#god i wish smoking wasnt bad for you i NEED a cigarette

[valtsv]

would love to have a chat with whoever wired my brain to respond to any form of stimuli with the abject terror of a prey animal but simultaneously be incapable of functioning without at least 5 things to occupy it at all times

[be-steddie-myheart]

steve helps eddie quit smoking (just tobacco cigarettes but the weed)

i wish i had a friend like steve to help me quit smoking lol

“You know those are horrible for you, Eds.” Steve said pointedly, watching as Eddie lit another cigarette.

“I’m aware Harrington, but they’re just so good.” Eddie flashed him a dazzling smile, and Steve tried not to think about why that had made his heart clench and beat faster. They were laying on the roof of Eddie’s newly gifted, government hush-hush trailer, staring at the stars. The moonlight shining on Eddies face made had Steve staring for longer than he knew he should. Probably something to explore later.

“Seriously, Eddie, you should quit. I can help you. I used to smoke but I realized it was just stinky and I could never breathe.”

“I wont go down without a fight, Steve. You can pry these cigarettes out of my cold dead hands.” Eddie laughed.

“Thats what your hands are gonna be if you dont quit.” Steve glared at Eddie. Eddie put his hands up in mock surrender.

“Okay okay. Do your worst.”

~~~~

“Don’t you think I know how bad this is?” Eddie stared at the three different pamphlets Steve had handed him a couple days after their conversation on the roof. “None of these facts are gonna scare me.”

“You haven’t even read the information, Ed.”

“Don’t have to, I’m aware of it sweetheart.” Steves stomach fluttered at the nickname and he could feel a blush creeping up onto his neck. Again, something to focus on later.

~~~~

Steve was so sure he had the perfect idea to get Eddie to quit this time. He had printed out pictures of what smokers lungs look like. No way Eddie would want to continue after seeing how awful these images are. He knocked on Eddies door. He could hear footsteps and then the doorknob rattling. The door opened and Steve had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. Eddie stood before him with no shirt on, hair pulled back into a low bun and in a pair of old grey sweatpants that were hanging low on his hips. Steve could see the band of his boxers, and the trail of hair that started under his naval and traveled all the way down….

“What a sight for sore eyes, sweetheart. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Eddie asked, unaware of the effect he was having on Steve. Steve wasnt even sure what kind of effect it was, but he packed it away for later. His Eddie box was going to burst at the seams if he didnt examine it soon. Steve cleared his throat and shook his head.

“These are your lungs, Munson.” Steve handed over the pictures.

“How did you get these pictures of my lungs exactly, Harrington?” Eddie teased.

Steve felt the blush creeping up his neck again, “you know what i mean ass, this is what the smoking is doing to your lungs. See how black they are? Thats not healthy.”

“Its pretty metal. Blackened lungs? Good song name. Maybe I’ll start writing it and dedicate it to you.” Eddie laid his head against the doorframe and smiled at Steve. Steve packed more things away. Too many things.

“You’re impossible.” Steve rolled his eyes.

~~~~

Steve and Eddie were laying on his roof again, looking up at the stars when Eddie reached into his pocket and got his cigarettes and a lighter out. Steve snatched it out his hand before he could put it in his mouth.

“Give that back, Harrington.” Eddie honest to god giggled.

“No! These are not good for you, have a sucker instead.” Steve reached into his own pocket and pulled out a small sucker. “I have plenty of them, they should help in case you need something in your mouth or something to do with your hands.”

“Something in my mouth would probably help with the cravings.” Eddie winked at Steve. Alarm bells were going off in his head and he was packing, packing, packing more stuff away in his little box. Steves entire body felt hot. Almost on autopilot he gave Eddie both the cigarette and the sucker back. His voice was not working.

~~~~

“What if for every day you didnt smoke, you got a reward or something? Like, a dollar, or a guitar pick, or something?” Steve asked Eddie. They were sharing a joint on Steves bed.

“How come I can smoke weed but not cigarettes?” Eddie asked, ignoring Steve entirely.

“Well, cigarettes cause cancer. And weed is just, ya know, weed. Its not bad for you.” Steve supplied.

“Mm,” Eddie hummed in response, “a reward you said?”

“Yeah like something to look forward to so you dont get the urge to smoke. Whatever you want, I can do it for you if you try to quit smoking.”

“How about every day that I don’t smoke, you give me a nice little kiss for a job well done?” Eddie wiggled his eyebrows. Steves entire body froze.

“Uh, well.. wait, are you sure? serious? Um, that could.. I guess if you were serious about.. That would be a helpful reward.” Steve stumbled out and Eddie laughed.

“Relax big boy, you don’t have to kiss me. I was just teasing.”

Everything was quiet for a little bit. Steve and Eddie laying next to each other, passing a joint back and forth in silence. Steve’s Eddie box was threatening to burst open. Maybe now would be a good time to unpack. Theres no time like the present or whatever the fuck they say. Steve thought to himself.

“What, uh, Eddie, whats it like? Kissing a boy?” Steve didnt know if this was going to go good or bad. But he had opened the box and now there was no closing it.

“Well, my only kiss for a girl was when I was 12 years old and trying to make myself like girls so I dont have much experience there to compare. I’d think it would be pretty similar. Except you know, girls are probably smooth whereas boys can have stubbly cheeks. It can kind of tickle.” Eddie responded, seeming unsure of where this conversation was going.

“Yeah, girls have smooth cheeks.” Steve responded, leaving a feeling of uncertainty in the air.

“Stevie,” Eddie started out slowly, “Are you asking because you’re just curious for curiosity sake, or…”

Steve decided to just go for it, he surged forward and smashed his lips against Eddie’s, no thinking allowed, only actions. Eddies cheek was a little stubbly, and Steve liked it. Steves entire body lit up and he felt like he could fly, he didn’t know how long to keep his lips on Eddie’s but if he got a choice it would be never.

A small gasp of surprise came out of Eddie when their lips first touched but then his hand went to the base of Steves neck. After what seemed like forever, Steve pulled away.

“Sorry if you didnt want that, but you made the joke about kissing as a reward and honestly Eddie ive been wondering for a while now what it would be like to kiss you and I just didnt think I could wait any longer, and you know its probably because of the weed, you can go-“ Steve was rambling and Eddie cut him off with another kiss to the lips.

“I’ll never smoke another cigarette again if thats my reward.” Eddie said lowly, his voice smooth and pooling at the bottom of Steves stomach. Steve thinks maybe kissing a guy might be better than kissing a girl.

“If you stop smoking you can have all the kisses you want.”

[sallyf4ce]

wolves

chapter II

-> sally face x f!reader

-> enemies? to lovers

-> previous | next

cw: drugs, cigarettes, abuse, panic attack

*does not follow original plot of sally face*

summary: larry knocks (y/n) off her feet, literally. later, him and sal come to apologize, bearing a gift of homemade lasagna. sal and (y/n) bond over their similar bodies. his eyes look familiar.

The sound of your skateboard and the wind brushing past your ears practically deafened you, which allowed you to think in peace. Maybe you’d survive in Nockfell.

Maybe it wasnt as bad as you made it. You’d grow close to the old apartment, push through school, leave your mother as quickly as possible, and start fresh somewhere across the world. The only thing that you wouldn’t get close to is the forest surrounding Addison. It loomed over you, day and night, dewy pines poking out at you like a warning sign. Maybe mom moved here just so she could torture you with the forest. Remind you of what happened.

Loud footsteps joined the wheels of your skateboard. You looked back, and on your trail were those two kids from the apartment. The tall one’s face was almost right in yours. You let out a small yelp as your skateboard hit a rock and sent you tumbling to the ground, completely destroying your knees in the process.

“Shit!” larry yelled out in surprise as he dodged the skateboard that went right between his legs.

You quickly reached out to your head, trying to calm the searing pain pulsing through it. What the fuck just happened?

“What the fuck?” you groan. The blue haired boy, sal, grabbed your skateboard and came up close to you. pulling down his sleeves, he quickly grabbed your knees and covered them, soaking up the gushing blood.

“Larry!” sal turned around to face him. You winced as the fabric of his sweater clung to your knees. Your hands grabbed his to pull them off but you froze. They were soft and cold, almost like snow. How would it feel to hold them longer? Would you warm them up? or would they freeze you?

What the fuck?

You snapped out of your trance and moved them off your knees. You scowl at larry and pick your skateboard back up.

“Nice job, asshat.”

His face flushes at the insult and he moves back. Sally stands up and offers you his hand, but you dont need his help (obviously a lie, your entire body was aching like a scale 8 earthquake). You shove yourself up and wipe your burning palms on your jeans. With your feet back on the skateboard (it took a few tries to get up because your knees kept buckling), you flip them off and begin skating back to addison. You just wanted a nice fucking stroll alone, why were these fucks literally everywhere you went?

It’s around 12:45 now. You came home, took a bath, bandaged up your knees and took some tylenol. Mom was already in her bedroom and there were some leftover beer bottles on the coffee table, so she probably wouldnt wake up anytime soon. you quickly trashed the bottles and decided for a quick nap on the couch, since your room was… occupied. your pyjamas, for now anyway, consisted of an oversized grey ac/dc shirt and some soft-ass spandex shorts.

“finally, a fucking break from this shit.” a content sigh escaped your lips as you threw yourself onto the cold couch.

a few knocks sounded at your door.

“(y/n)? it’s uh, it’s sal. and larry.”

“fuck.”

THEY’RE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE WHAT THE FUCKKKK AGGHHH WHY CANT THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE THEY ALREADY BUSTED YOUR KNEES LIKE WHAT

“coming.” you mumbled angrily even though they couldn’t hear you.

the blinding fluorescent lights of the hallway hit you as you opened the door. along with them came the smell of freshly baked lasagna. your eyes widened for a second, before looking up at sal. he stared at you, taking in your appearance. your hair was ruffled, eyes blinking sleepily as they adjusted to the light. your shirt had ridden up and showed a bit of your stomach. he blushed as you pulled it down and glared at him, a slight tinge of red on your own cheeks.

“larry.” he nudged his friend. the brunette walked up in front of sal, holding a pan of lasagna.

“listen man, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to fuck up your knees n shit. jus’ got excited cause of your sanity falls shirt. can we, uh, can we come in?”

Slam.

larry quickly jumped back in surprise.

“i guess that means no.”

you yelled out a quick ‘wait!’ as you cleaned up your apartment and hid your mom’s weed and other things. god, for a grown woman, she didn’t know how to clean for shit.

opening the door back up, you waved them inside.

“god, you smoke a lot.” larry coughed a bit at the smell of your apartment, which earned him a shove.

“sorry! god, sal, so mean.” he mumbled.

“s’ my mom. i only smoke outside. uh, take a seat on the couch, i’ll warm up the lasagna.” you pulled it out of larry’s hands as they both took a seat on your makeshift bed.

sal shifted. “you sleep here?” he asked, confused. maybe your room was being used as storage.

“for now. there’s some weird ghost shit going on in my room. some fucking preppy ghost woman keeps squealing when i come in.”

ghosts? you believed in ghosts? maybe they’d be able to take you on their expeditions! sal perked up at the thought of you becoming friends.

“you believe in ghosts?”

“well, i saw one, so what else could it fucking be?” you chuckled as you shoveled the now warmed up lasagna onto three plates. sal noticed and his eyes widened.

“oh, no, i- i don’t want any-” he waves his hands.

“you’re having it, i don’t care.”

larry laughs as you shove it into their hands.

“feisty, aren’t ya?” he stabs some and shoves it into his mouth. you sigh and lean back into the couch.

“you guys go to the school here, right?”

larry nods. “yeah, there’s only one school in nockfell.”

“eww, larry face, don’t chew with food in your mouth.” sally laughs. in the corner of his eyes, he thinks he can see you smile.

“yeah, we go to nockfell high. i’m assuming you’re going there too.”

“mhm. starting monday. hurry up and eat, i’m not warming it up again.” you grumble. sal doesn’t move. “god, okay, i’ll look away. i have to go clean this thing anyway.” you wave your prosthetic’s fingers.

“oh, yeah, you also have a prosthetic!” his face shifts into a child-like curiosity. it’s a face that you’ve seen before, and it makes you giggle a bit every time. you place your hand on his lap. sal does a double take and his mask raises a bit.

“you wanna touch it, don’t you. go ahead.”

“damn, sal, you get all the ladies. leave some for me.” larry chimes in, hand on his forehead in mock sadness. he chuckles.

“you gonna touch it or what?”

“uh, yeah.” sal slowly lowers his hands onto it. he traces your fingers, flexing them every once in a while. he flips your palm and looks at the graffiti ‘s’ you drew on it.

“when was this?” he looks back up at you.

“grade 10, two years ago. got bored in class and accidentally took out my sharpie instead of a dry-erase marker. god, my mom was mad.” you chuckle at the memory. she didnt let you back in the house for two days. you had to camp out in the shed, where you stored your extra food so she wouldn’t steal it.

sal hummed. “what about this one?” it was a big ‘SF’. was it for his name? of course not, she didn’t know you back then, moron. still, it warmed him up a bit.

“not for you, that’s for sure.”

“damnnn, savage!” larry put his plate down. “mind if i get more?”

“larry, we brought it for (y/n).” sal scolded.

“nah, i don’t mind. knock yourself out.” you nodded, continuing your conversation with sal.

larry trotted towards the kitchen.

larry’s point of view:

sal and (y/n) seemed to be getting along quite well. good for him, really. we might be able to coax (y/n) into our friend group. i didn’t like her at first, but i think she’s just a little stand-offish. anyway, back to the lasagna. man, i wish mom would make it more often. she only makes it for guests. where is it? oh, there. (y/n)’s going to nockfell high, right? probably should tell her about travis.

your point of view:

sal was still tracing your arm, running his pale fingers over where the prosthetic connected to your skin. the doctors could have chopped your arm off completely, up to your elbow, but you wanted to salvage as much as you could, so it stops mid-forearm.

“do you take it off often?” sal hummed. it felt a little intimate, tracing your prosthetic. it was like soothing a part of your body that was already gone. what? what was he thinking?

“mmm, i take it off every night. if i leave it on, i could get rashes ‘n shit. rashes aren’t fun. ‘m assuming you take yours off every night too.” he nods.

“i don’t like taking it off during the day. phantom limb shit, you know? it hurts a lot.” you grumble.

“got the lasagna. since you’re going to nockfell, ‘should probably tell you about travis.” larry sits down. “he’s your typical stick-up-the-ass bully. doesn’t really like sally face ‘n our crew.”

“yeah. just ignore him and you should be fine.”

“we‘ll protect you.” larry swings an arm over your shoulder.

huh? you can protect yourself. does he think you can’t? is it because of your prosthetic?

“i can do it myself, you dimwit.” you push his arm off your shoulder.

“time for you to leave.”

“woah, dude, calm down-” larry’s eyes widen in panic. he didn’t mean to offend you.

“i’m sorry!”

“i’m not hurt, just need my sleep. it’s 1:30. go on now.”

sal sets down his cold, uneaten lasagna and larry takes a quick bite out of his.

“see ya!” he mumbled, words muffled by food. you click your teeth as he walks out of your apartment and towards the elevator.

“(y/n).”

you spin around to face sal. his hand lingers on your counter.

“your knees. how are they?”

you look at his eyes through his mask. they’re light blue. like the lake that you so dreaded. like the sky that morning. like your dad’s shirt. he blinks.

“uh, f-fine. they’re fine. they should heal in a few days. time for you to go.” you grab his shoulders and shove him through the door.

“see you tomorrow?” he stumbles.

“yeah.” the door shuts with a slam and you’re filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.

oh god, not this again. your vision blurs as you try to grasp onto your breath. you can hear the blood rushing in your ears. your heart thuds like it’s going to break through your rib cage. it feels like someone is strangling you, coaxing the last breath of air from your lungs. your nails scratch at your throat desperately, your salty tears only making the marks burn more. at least the cold metal of your prosthetic cools you down a bit.

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. you can’t wake anyone. you bite down on your lip to suppress the strangled cries leaving your mouth. god, not the lake, please. not the forest. not the huge, dirty, rabid wolf-looking creature behind your father. not his cries. please, just make it shut up. SHUT UP.

you wake up the next morning to your alarm ringing.

taglist: @purelydarling @ghostfacefricker6969 @deadpoetsandhoney

[arthurflecksgirl]

can I please have a dick sucking fic with Arthur❤️

Hi Anon ! I wrote a short story about um.....going down on him recently.

Just klick on the link, I hope you will enjoy :)

Pleasing Arthur

"This was so good. Thank you, honey" Arthur patted his tummy and placed the empty plate on the table "I can`t even remember the last time I had a full belly." You rolled up his sweater to place a sweet kiss under his belly button "Eating one meal a day is part of your self care plan now. And I will watch out for you taking care of yourself" you smiled. "You`re so good to me" Arthurs sweaty hair was sticking to his forehead. He seemed extremly tired from work but happy to be with you. "So nice to be home" he whispered as his eyelids got heavier "Was Hoyt giving you a hard time again?" you asked. "Yeah....kinda" he lit himself a cigarette and leaned back on the couch "But it`ll be okay...he can`t hurt me when I`m with you. I just need to relax a bit". You placed more kisess across his v-line. His hip bones didnt stuck out as much as they used to. Watching Arthur eating dinner without getting sick was more than you could ask for. "I´m gonna help you relax even more now" you grinned, opening the button of his pants. Arthur smirked the moment he realized what you had in mind. The fingers of your right hand eagerly started to unbotton, while your left hand was busy giving him some belly rubs. "Just lean back and relax, baby. I`m going to take care of it. Soon you`ll feel better." Arthur took a deep drag of his cig "I bet" he replied. You now pulled his light blue pants down to his knees. Arthur watched you with excitement. "Hey, no cheating. I told you to lean back and relax". Arthur chuckled "I`m sorry, I was distracted by your beauty. Its hard to stop staring at you". "Close your eyes, Darling. I`m gonna give you what you need". He did what you told him and awaited your face between his skinny legs. But first you would tease him with kisses all over his inner thighs. His skin felt warm against your half opened lips. His tiney body hair was slightly tickeling your upper lip. You loved this part of his body. To be honest, you loved every inch of him equaly. Your weak spot?  Arthur Fleck. His whole adorable being as a whole. "Mmmmhhh" he breathed "You`re spoiling me again". "I haven`t even started" you said between the open mouth kisses wandering all over his thighs. Up and down, making their way to his crotch. Sometimes you looked up to see his face. He made smoking look incredibly hot. You never told him but watching him inhaling that smoke and seeing his face expressions while  taking a deep drag turned you on in ways you never throught were possible. His facial expressions got even more intense now that you came closer to his growing erection. You didnt even knew where to look at anymore. You  didnt wanted to miss anything.  You had to wittness the look on his face. You didnt wanted to miss one single twitch of his eyebrows or  how the tiney, beautiful wrinkles beneath his eyes got exposed while smiling. You wanted to have a good look on anything that happened on his face while pleasing him. The way that the corner of his mouth grew to a irresistible smirk made you want him so bad. Arthur put the cig between his grin, running his fingers through his greasy hair.God, how much you wanted him. Your desire to own him and to be owned by him equaly was so intense it hurt your insides. You never wanted anything more in your life like you wanted this man. All of him. Arthur put the cig back between his fingers, staring down at you. "Thats not fair" he said "You tell me I can`t look at you but you are staring at me while I`m havng my eyes closed". "Sorry" you teased "Your beauty was distracting me". Arthur giggled. His legs started to shake as your lips reached the lowest part of his belly, going down....inch for inch...He was still getting nervous while having sex. Still just getting used to this kinda attention he longed for all his life. Every touch, every kiss was able to send him up to the clouds. He was burning for you to taste him. Arthur breathed your name as your lips reached his erection. The way your name sounded while escaping his shaking lips send shivers down your spine. The truth was that you were just as hungry for making love as he was. Especially since you knew him. No other man made you feel so passionate about sharing love. No other man could make you this wet just by watching him leaning back on an worn out couch. Your hand found its way up his waist,slipping under his sweater, feeling his tummy, reaching for his chest to caress it gently. Arthur also put his free hand under his sweater to grab your hand. He held it tightly even tighter now that your tongue started to circle around the tip of his hard member.  He sqeezed your hand. A little to tight. It felt so right. "Oh my gawd" he moaned. His moan was more like a silent whimper but it was there and it was all for you. You made this sweet, little noises escape his lips. Arthur lit himself another cig while he started to move his hips. Your lips around his pulsing parts felt so warm and good it was almost painful to him. You tried to get another glimpse of him smoking. So you looked up to watch his closed eyelids flutter under the embrace of your lips. Those long, dark eyelashes. You would let his beauty ruin you compleately and say thank you. "Dont...stop" he begged "Please...oh please Y/N. Dont ever stop." He was right. You wish this would never stop. Being able to love him. To worship him. You started to suck his sensitive parts "I`ll never stop, Arthur. I`ll never stop loving and worshipping you." A blissful look crossed his well structured face. He knew he was being seen by you. This wasnt just a blow job. It was part of you worshipping all that he was. "You`re soooo good to me" he moaned quietly. The lustful noises he made always remained really quiet. He practiced staying quiet all his life, so Penny wouldnt notice him masturbating when she was still living with him. "Just let go Arthur. No need to be quiet at all. " He tried but he just couldnt do it yet. "Why are you so good to me?" he whimpered again as you took him all in. Tasting him while letting your tongue explore his hardness. "Beacuse you`ve been a good boy today. Eating the dinner I cooked for you. And for being a good boy in general" You grinned. Arthur exhaled the smoke" Fuck.....this is....what are you doing to me? Ohhhh my...." "I´m tasting you, Arthur" He put his cig away and let his fingers run through your hair. Feeling his hands on your head made you want him even more. You sucked harder now. "H-how d do I taste?" he stuttered. "Heavenly" Arthurs erection grew harder  between your lips as you felt his gentle hands stroking your cheek. His cute, little noises were almost too much to bear. There was so much innocence inside this man. You felt the urge to stop and get on top of him. To fuck him until he would get dizzy. "I swear I`m gonna lose my mind Y/N. This just feels.....so good. I Cant....I just cant...." seeing your face between his legs made him all fuzzy in the head. He soaked in every sensation that caught his attention. The way the light from the window was shining down on your hair. The way you seemed to want him compleately. You stopped, which made his muscle twitch for a second. "Arthur....would you mind me getting on top of you now ?" His eyes rolled back into his head "What? No. Oh god no I dont mind. I am actually begging you to fuck me, please!" You got up from your knees to pull your own pants and underwear down. Arthur was watching you like his life depended on you. And you sat down on his lap like your life was depending on him. Like the only way to survive was to lock your bodies into one another. The moment you felt him slipping inside of you was like coming home. Being that close to him was your salvation. You didnt even knew how you were able to live without this feeling before you met him. The feeling of Arthur being inside of you. He compleated you in any way. Arthur moaned as he felt your tight walls closing in around him. Your body welcomed him like it had missed him all your life. Finally. You couldnt have waited any longer to feel all of him. You concentracted on the look on his happy face as you started to move. Arthur lifted his pelvis to meet you  and pushed himself deeper inside. "Fuck me please. Show me how much you want me". "I want you Arthur. Oh god, I want you so bad my bones are crying out your name!" His upper lip scar caught your attention. He was so vulnerable. Yet so unbelivable  attracive. You leaned in to kiss him passionately. His kiss was intense but slightly clumsy. His head was already spinning from being close to finish." ""I`m close" he moaned into the crook of your neck while your fingers ran through his curls. "Me too Arthur. Just let go. Cum for me, darling. " Arthur pressed you close to his heart as his warm juice was spilling into you. Your shaky legs tensing up from lust, before all your love for this man exploded inside of you. Arthur took your face between his hands and kissed you again. Very thoughtfully this time. You let your head sink to his chest as you both sunk into his pillow. "Mmmhh ...you know what?" he mumbled into your ear "This is my favorite part....falling blissful into your arms, realizing how lucky I am." And you smiled because you knew how lucky you were to fall asleep in the arms of Arthur Fleck.

[fiftyshadesgrl]

This is part one of a brantley gilbert series im working on. Hope everyone enjoys it.

Is this the wrong thing to do? After everything that went down between me and Brantley, should I really be doing a meet and greet with him? The last time we were in a room together a lot of words were said and our relationship ended. I thought we were going to last forever. We were engaged, I was planning a wedding while Brantley was drinking himself into a early grave. As I pull up to the venue my hands start sweating and I seriously think about backing out, but he has sure come a long way and I just want him to know that I am proud of him.

45 minutes later

Its my turn next in the meet and greet. All of the fans stand behind a curtain until it is our turn. Security motions for me to head out to see Brantley. I take a deep breath and realize its now or never. I walk from around the curtain and Brantleys eyes go wide. "(Y/N), is that you?" I smile and nod, he opens his arms and grabs me. This feels so good, just like it used to. His strong arms is what made me feel safe. I sigh and start to tear up but then I pull away.

He smiles and eyes me up and down. "(Y/N), youre the last person I thought would walk around that curtain."

I place my hand on the side of his face and wish things were different. "I just wanted to come and tell you how proud I am of you."

"Well darlin, you couldve called." He says with a sigh. I cant believe Im standing here in front of him. Those blue eyes just peer into my soul. My heart skips a beat when I hear his songs on the radio. Sometimes I feel like some of them has been written just for me.

Security tells Brantley they need to wrap up the meet and greet. Brantley looks annoyed but he has a show to put on and many fans that he cant let down.

We get our picture taken and then he turns to me. He grabs my hands in his, "do you have a backstage pass?" I shake my head and say, "no just vip."

He called his manager over and whispered something in his ear. His manager produced a backstage pass. Brantley took it from him and handed it to me. "Here darlin, you can watch from backstage and then we can hang out afterwards."

I shook my head, "Brantley I cant accept this. I dont want you doing me favors."

He placed it around my neck. "Then this is a favor for me. Please I really want to talk to you after the show."

How could I say no to him. He really looked sincere and there is some things that I could get off my chest after the show. So I nod and he has the biggest smile on his face. "Thank you (Y/N). It really means alot to me."

"Youre welcome." I go to hug him and he surprises me by kissing me on my forehead. His manager leads me to Brantleys dressing room. "Make yourself at home honey."

"Thank you. Is it alright if I smoke in here?" I ask showing him my pack of cigarettes. He chuckles, "BG is like a chimney. Ash tray is on the table. Drinks and snacks are in the other room if you want anything. If you need anything else just holler."

I nod and light my cigarette as he walks out the door. Its really nice in here. A big leather couch is against one wall right across is a mirror with lights around it. A chair sits in front of it but Brantley doesnt seem the type to need makeup to go on stage. I put my cigarette out in the ash tray and sit back in the couch. It feels like a cloud. I look around trying to find something to occupy me, I flip through my phone. I snap a picture and send it to my best friend with a text saying 'guess i get to go backstage.'

He sends a text back saying 'be careful. Dont let him hurt you again.' I roll my eyes and shut my phone off. I get up and decide to go get something to drink. When I open the door Brantley is on the other side, I think he was giving hisself a pep talk before coming in. He looks worried, "youre not bolting already are you?"

I shake my head. "No, I was going to get something to drink." He sighs like he is glad that I wasnt leaving.

"You mind if I come with you?" He asks shyly.

"Of course not. This is all for you anyways."

We walk down the hall to the room that has the sign catering on the door. He holds the door open for me and as I enter his hand brushes mine. I feel the sparks way down deep and I know he does too.

After we enter the room I grab a water and he gets a plate of food and a tea. The room is quite crowded and noisy. He looks at me and asks, "wanna go back to the dressing room?" I shrug and mouth its up to you. He nods towards the door and I follow him. He pushes the door open and holds it for me.

When we get back to the dressing room he plops down on the couch and puts his feet up on the table. I sit down on the other end of the couch and he looks like he is affended. "What are you doing all the way down there darlin? I aint gonna bite ya."

I smile and scoot closer to him. I take a sip of my water and light another cigarette. I smoke alot when Im stressed or nervous.

"Wheres your food darlin?" He asks looking at my bottle of water.

"Oh, um." I look down at my hands. "Im not hungry."

He shakes his head, "no, I aint having it. Youre gonna eat. Here take my plate Ill go get some more."

Before I could say anything he placed his plate in my lap and was already out the door. I really wasnt hungry. My nerves were getting the best of me and my stomach was in knots.

Brantley came back in a few minutes later with two huge plates of food. I raised my eyebrows at him as he sat down. "You dont expect me to eat that do you Brantley?"

He shook his head, "no one plate for me and the desserts are for both of us."

I picked at my food as we talked about old times and before I knew it they were calling him for the show. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch.

"Come on (Y/N), you can watch from the side."

He opened strong and the crowd went wild. After a few upbeat songs he pulled out his acoustic and sat on a stool center stage.

"Welcome everybody yall are amazing."

The crowd cheered loudly as he took a sip of water. He looked over at me and winked causing a face splitting grin to appear on my face.

"I figured wed slow it down a bit for a while. These next few songs mean alot to me. I wrote them for someone special and maybe just maybe."

He looks over at me again.

"She just might hear them tonight."

He starts playing the best of me and glances at me every now and then. Then he starts you dont know her like I do. Then he finishes with you promised. He gets emotional during that song and he looks directly over to me when he sings the last line.

"No matter what you do, you know Ill always love you.

Hell I have to, cause I promised."

The tears streamed down my face. I knew he meant it and after all these years, deep in my heart. I knew I still l loved him. I never stopped, but thats what scares me. Hes changed yes but how could I forget the past?

He was still looking at me as I turned and walked back to the dressing room. I couldnt let him see me cry, so I sat in the dressing room and cried. I went to light my cigarette but couldnt find my lighter anywhere. Brantleys lighter was gone too.

My eyes went to his duffel bag and thought maybe he might have a spare lighter in there. I unzipped it and tried not to look to much at anything but I felt a lighter and as I pulled it out a paper came flying out too.

"Oh shit, I hope It didnt rip."

I picked it up, a picture fell to the floor. I bent to pick it up and saw it was the last picture me and Brantley had made together. That was the better days before everything went bad. I cant believe he has kept it all this time.

"Yall have been awesome tonight! I love yall see ya again soon."

I heard Brantley closing the show so I shoved the paper and picture back in his bag and zipped it quickly. I grabbed my cigarettes and ran to the exit.

The cool air hit my skin like a gift from heaven. I had to take a breather for a moment cause I didnt know what to say to him. Why has he kept that all this time? Why did it make me smile that he did? Because I love him but I cant tell him. Tonight was just to see him and go home.

I sit with my back against the building and lit my cigarette. I looked down at the lighter in my hand and was surprised to see it was the zippo I got him for his birthday one year. This man, does he keep everything.

The band starts coming out of the doors and start loading the bus with equipment and luggage. A few minutes later Brantley came struting out looking frustrated. He couldnt see me because I was sitting behind the door.

I heard him say to his manager, "why didnt you stop her! I need to go find her."

Before he climbed the steps on the bus I stood up and said "you looking for me?"

I could see the relief wash over him. He ran over to me and grabbed me up in a big hug. "I thought I lost you again baby girl."

I smiled and pulled away from him. "Im right here. I just needed some air." He grabbed me by the back of my head and pulled me in for a fierce kiss. It shocked me for a second then I was kissing him back. Our tounges exploring each other mouth. I nipped his lower lip and he growled in response.

I pulled away but he rested his forehead on mine. We were both panting and I managed to find the words. "Brantley, I....I cant do this."

"Come on the bus with me, we can talk cause theres some stuff I need to tell you."

"I dont think thats a good idea Brantley."

He sighs and those blue eyes pierce right into the depths of my soul and break down whatever barriers I had built to keep him out.

"Please, just to talk. I promise."

I nod, "okay, just to talk."

He smiles and grabs my hand. He leads me towards the bus and motions for me to go first. He doesnt speak to anyone but heads straight for his room. He closes the door behind him.

He sits down on the bed and pats the place next to him.

"You can sit baby doll, dont worry I wont do anything."

"I know, I trust you." I sit down next to him but for some reason the words that I have been wanting to say will not come out. Thank god he spoke first.

"Listen (Y/N), I know the last time we saw each other I was a complete mess."

"Complete mess is putting it lightly." I say

He sighs, "ok, I was a complete dick. I know I hurt you and I said things I didnt mean. I swear to you I have changed. I love you (Y/N) I always have, and if you give me a chance." He grabs my hand and I look into his eyes. "I promise you I will make up for everything baby."

I really do believe him but why is it so hard to just give myself to him. "You cheated on me Brantley. You told me you didnt want me anymore. I wanted to marry you and have a family with you. I saw all of that happening but it was all just one big lie."

"Baby look at me." He says as he places his fingers under my chin. My eyes meet his once again. "Im so sorry for everything. After all these years it still eats at me what I done to you. I was fucked up at the time. The booze and pills had me all kinds of fucked up but it didnt mean I didnt want you. I honestly cant tell you why I said that but I can tell you I didnt mean it." I start crying and try to look away but he wouldnt let me.

"You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I was to stupid to realize it. I shouldve treated you better when I had you but for some reason I thought you would always be there. When I sobered up and realized you was really gone I went crazy. I went everywhere and anywhere that I thought you would be. I cried every night and every day I felt like my heart was just gone."

I wiped my eyes and whispered, "Im so sorry Brantley."

"No, no baby, Im the one whos sorry. I dont blame you for leaving me. Hell nobody did. Mama jumped my case everyday for a month about it."

I sniffed, "I found the picture of us in your duffel bag."

"You did?"

I nodded, "I wasnt being nosey I promise. I lost my lighter and couldnt find it or yours so I thought maybe you had a extra one. I didnt look at anything or at the piece of paper the picture fell out of."

He sighed and it looked like he was glad I didnt read it. "I kept that picture because thats all I had of you. Every night before a show looking at it would give me the boost I needed to have a damn good show. When I sleep, I put it under my pillow. I know its stupid but I have to have you with me or I cant survive."

I smile and before I knew it I was kissing him. He kissed me back at first then he gently pushed me away. "Woah baby, you said you only wanted to talk."

I straddled him and pushed his hat from his head. "I know what I said." I kissed his cheeks then his eyes then his lips. "Listen to what my heart is saying now."

His hands were on my sides sliding up and down, his thumbs were under my shirt. He was tracing lazy circles with them. He leaned forward and kisses my collarbone then my neck. "You sure baby." I nodded.

I pulled his shirt up and over his head. He did the same to me. I was wearing a black lace bra, he growled as he kissed the tops of my breast where the lace touched skin.

"God damn baby, I have been missing and wanting this all these years. Im afraid its a dream."

I smiled as I kissed up his neck up to his ear. I whispered "trust me honey, I dont think your dreams can make you feel as good as Im gonna in just a few minutes."

"Holy fuck." He said as he pulled away and took my lips in a searing kiss. He unclasped my bra with one hand. My hand skated down his chest and stomach and came to rest on his belt buckle.

"Make love to me Brantley."

He smiled, "oh baby, with pleasure."

[patroclusblack]

25.11.2019

I feel like I need to back track here. My first post was vague and fast and intense. Granted I'm not the most literate, but let's get some facts out first.

After battling with eating disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem and depression for most of my teen life, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 19. I mean, state the obvious doc. I'd dropped out of university after a mental breakdown and got on a train home, the rotten shell of my former self.

I don't really know whether there was any one thing that lead to it. For a long time I told myself I'd just gotten lazy and stopped leaving the house, but surely there must've been something stopping me right? I don't know. I was at a uni I didn't know how I'd ended up at, studying something I wasnt interested in, living in a house, riddled with damp, with 5 complete strangers. Id left my college life behind, where I was 'cool', people wanted to be my friend. I smoked cigarettes and skipped meals, I studied Art and English Literature because maybe it gave me some depth. I dropped a lot of really good friends when I got to college. Clean slate. Masquerade.

Next thing I knew I was at university in a new city, I'd lost my first boyfriend; yknow that saying "little fish in a big pond", well I was a goldfish, in a tsunami, made up completely of sharks, and I let it swallow me up.

I barely ever went to lectures, I'd sit on my windowsill, chain smoking, drinking hard liquor, miserable, but completely oblivious to my emotions. Playing the brooding art student to a tea. Eventually I'd just get hammered everyday and neglect my artwork and alcohol had become the one consistency in my life. I'd distanced myself from everyone and all my passions had faded. I was a ghost. distracted. I didn't sleep for days on end and I'd just sit and stare. I don't remember why I tried to kill myself at university, but I just remember waking up the morning after and not being phased. After about 18 months, when me and the university "mutually agreed" I should step away, because my talents weren't scraping me by anymore, I moved back home. All I had was booze, a dildo, and L. The only things that made me feel something.

God that sounds pretentious. But depression makes you a monster. An egocentric, manipulative, self deprecating, selfish monster.

Not long after uni, me and L became closer. We'd talk every single day and realised that we just clicked and our love fully erupted. It was gutteral and I felt incredible for first time in my life. I was excruciatingly consumed by him and I gave him everything. He told me I was depressed. I'd known, I guess? for a while, but I didn't. He was the first person to ever understand me, probably the only person that ever did to an extent, and he made me go to a Dr.

I was pretty stubborn with taking help for a couple of years, the meds made me gain weight, tired, even moodier. I was comfy in my depression bubble, under my duvet, with him. I'd cancel on my therapist quite frequently, some mornings I'd wake up crying and couldn't bring myself to leave the house, let alone talk about it.

L was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder shortly before we got together. Depression and Manic Depression weren't the Chuck and Blair we were convinced we were.

L is one of the biggest chapters of my life, especially regarding my mental health, and I need time to think about how I want to talk about that.

My mental health has made me a selfish bastard. For a long time, I'd consistently question my sanity, why was I depressed? Why does nobody realise I am the most miserable person to ever exist? Give me more attention. Why can't I have what I want? Why does nobody love me the right way. I want to die. I disregarded that other people had problems because they weren't as bad as mine!!!! I had everything I could physically want, I was madly in love, what the fuck is happening to me?

That's the fucked up thing about depression and borderline personality disorder. Sometimes, it's the most painful thing a person can go through, but nobody really understands how much you're falling apart, or how you're yearning to just step out in front of that bus while nobody's looking, or how much you wish you could fathom why you can't stop crying, and so short fused at the same time.

I said some really nasty things, out of anger and spite, to get a reaction or intentional hurt those who loved me the most, but for what reason?

To go any further into my timeline, I need to explain the aforementioned in-depth I think, and there's a lot to talk about.

Also, I don't know if anyone is reading this, but writing really is a placebo for me, so I hope my erratic ramblings make sense to you.

And to L, if by chance you do ever see this - I hope you don't mind me writing about us; you know I'll always love you, but I need to get everything out of my head.

[theyrealllegends]

Careful (Roger Taylor x Reader)

Chapter Summary: You’re not the only one who’s developing feelings but Roger is too, trying to have you close to him at first, but then he’s trying to forget you over way too much scotch. This is how both of you get sick and he takes care of you again. 

Author’s Note: It’s Roger’s POV in this chapter, yeeet! (Please don’t @ me I can’t tell you why and if you don’t like it I’ll never attempt it again, I promise)

Words: ~2k

Warnings: I’d rate this mature because (and this is a spoiler) someone’s masturbating aaand there’s drinking again and eventually someone has to throw up

Chapter 4

Previous Parts: Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3

I couldn’t fall asleep that night because Tiffany never left my head: her reddish-blonde curls, her incredibly green eyes, her lips for fucks sake - I needed that. I craved being close to her, to feel her, to hear her breath like I’d never wanted anything else. The boys had noticed that I was hitting my drums harder than I usually did while messing up their rhythms and I knew that they knew that something was off but they wouldn’t mention it if I got myself under control before our next gig tomorrow night. I just didn’t see how that was possible, when I was now here, lying awake and only the thought of Tiffany’s voice made my whole stomach feel light, in the best way possible. I had no idea how long I’d been staring in the dark but I was seriously contemplating to go out and either get drunk or find some girl to do whatever it took to distract myself. I just couldn’t let myself think about what I’d do to her if she hadn’t been this innocent little princess I saw, every time I looked at her. Even though only my refusal to think of that was enough to give me a hard one, already. I swallowed hard as I carefully touched myself and I stopped trying to shake the thought of her because I knew I couldn’t while I was masturbating - what would it feel like to bury myself in her body, feel her skinny, yet strong legs wrap around me and see her losing herself in my thrusts. God, I just wanted her to feel as good as she made me feel when I got into the kitchen to a prepared breakfast, when I didn’t feel like a dumbass because she’d make me study and when I managed to make her laugh. I gripped on my own hair at the thought of her laugh, trying to imagine it were her tiny hand and her skinny fingers pulling on the strands while I held back a moan. Tiffany Abberforth was the most precious human being on this planet and I’d have to protect her with my whole life, I knew that for a fact. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“You wanna join me tonight?”, I asked her, when I met her in the kitchen the next morning. Probably I was being selfish to try and get her out of the comfort of our flat, but I wanted her to be closer to me anytime. She was reading some book like the smart girl she was but she put it away as soon as I tried to talk to her. 

“Where are you going?”

“The boys and I have a gig and I thought - since you’re freed now - you might like…?”

“Are you trying to make me drunk two out of three nights in a row?”, she called me out in a joking tune and it made me smile to see her that relaxed. 

“Of course not, but I’d like you around me two out of three nights in a row.” Damn, she had no idea what she did to me when she blushed. She looked down at her hands, seemingly battling herself to a decision. “No pressure, Tiffy, if you’re there, you’re there and if not I’ll still play for you.”

“You know it’s not because I don’t want to hear you play, right, Rog?”

“Do I?”, I asked and leaned my head to the side a little too let her know I wasn’t completely serious. 

“I can’t see myself enjoying your show in a huge crowd at all, it scares me, especially since I wouldn’t know anyone watching you, too and I - “

“You can join us for our rehearsal on Friday, if you prefer that.”

“That’s perfect”, she immediately agreed and I felt great about it. It relieved the thought of being rejected, at least. 

“We can have dinner after, if you’d like.”

“We always have dinner, Rog.”

“No, I mean, you and me - and the boys if we can’t get rid of them - having dinner in a restaurant, if you’d like.” Now I was the one blushing, I feared, as she looked at me in surprise. 

“Yeah, I think I’d like that”, she said after a moment and I smiled at her. 

“Me too, Tiffy.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I knew I shouldn’t really - even though there wasn’t anything exclusive about Tiffany and me, there wasn’t a “we” if it came to anything else than talking about our shared flat situation, but I still felt guilty and like I wasn’t supposed to let all the girls approach me after our gig. 

“Hey there, sweet boy”, one of them purred, “How you doing, love?”, the other one said and “You did so amazing!”, I heard a third one while they really gave me a hard time to move forward, just trying to get to the bar behind Brian. Their hands were all over me and I was glad I didn’t wear something too showing or open, even, and it wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I just felt like it wasn’t fair. I wasn’t looking for anything they had to give me, instead I was trying to figure out which of them reminded me the most of Tiffany, really, and I knew that was just wrong. 

“Thanks, girls, but let me have a drink first, would you?”

Of course I ended up buying the three of them drinks and I hated to admit it, but it was kind of a given that I went outside “to smoke”, only to make out with one of them, finally letting go of the thought of Tiffany’s emerald green eyes. I didn’t enjoy the night at the girl’s place - as if the universe wanted to punish me, really, for drinking myself into a state where I didn’t only forget about the girl’s - or Tiffany’s - name but also about my own, to a state where I didn’t care about anything anymore, trying to find relieve in it. I couldn’t even remember the sex for the love of god, only assuming it was good, by how the girl was cuddled against me, how our clothes were all over the floor. But the mattress woke me up, squeaking and poking into my back, which didn’t make the pain in my head any better. I just stumbled to grab my clothes and left, unable to look back at the girl or respond when she called for me, only heading for the door. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the hole situation getting the best of me, but I didn’t make it really far without throwing up and horribly cursing myself. I’d done dumb things but they didn’t really compare to last night. 

Also, when I got home, there was light in the kitchen. It was an early morning and I knew, Tiffany was one to get up before sunrise but couldn’t that girl let herself get some rest once? She was reaching for the medicine cabinet, when I stepped into the kitchen, feeling her eyes on me and suddenly realising that I could easily be covered in my own vomit, if I was as unlucky as I felt that moment. 

“You need help?”, I asked nonetheless and the worry in her eyes got wilder as she heard my hoarse voice. 

“Where have you been?”

“I couldn’t tell you her name, even if I wanted to and I really shouldn’t have gone”, I tried to explain, unable to lie to her, or stand her quizzing look another second. “I feel sick, man, I had way too much scotch last night.” What would I do next, call her “mate”? This is really a great way to safe your ass out of this situation, seriously, keep going, Taylor, you’re doing great. 

“Makes two of us, though”, Tiffany murmured and stepped away, acknowledging that she was a bit too tiny to reach the pain killers. I reached up, to hand them to her, unable to look her way - mostly because I was really aware of the bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t want her to smell me in the end. 

“What’s wrong, love?”, I still asked, scared that she wasn’t alright. 

“I get sick after every exam period, really and here I am, coming down with a fever.”

“Then, hush, to bed!”, I said, grabbing her to make her move and tug her in, before I could escape into the bathroom. “I’ll make you tea and get you soup, you just stay there, you hear me?”, I rambled in the process of getting her into her bed. I started brushing my teeth, while I went into the kitchen to put some tea water to a boil and looked through the cabinets for soup, realising I’d have to pick some up at the store. That wasn’t half bad in the end, because it forced to make myself look somewhat decent and I could get new cigarettes, cheese and toast at the store too, so I could at least eat some terrible breakfast when I came back to find Tiffany asleep. 

I prepared the soup as it said on the pack and carefully carried it to her night stand, before I sat down next to Tiffany and softly ran my fingers over her face to make her wake up. Her skin was really clean and soft, but it felt hot to a point that I wished I knew a doctor, a better one than myself, for sure. 

“Wake up, sweet girl, you need to get your soup down, so you’ll get better.” She smiled at me weakly and tried to move to a sitting position, so she could cuddle against her bed’s headboard and slowly eat the soup I held for her. I watched her eat in silence while I sat next to her, my legs crossed on her mattress, realising I should turn her heater up for a start. The tea water had gotten cold while I was gone so I reheated it, to finally make the tea she needed and I looked at her in her bed critically, while she sipped it. “Tiffy, do you want me to get you more pillows?”, I asked because it was kind of impossible that I had more pillows than she did, right? She giggled at me and moved her head for me to come closer. 

“Rog, you’re acting like my mom - worse, actually, because she doesn’t consider you sick as long as your bones aren’t broken.”

“But -“

“I just need to rest, don’t worry”, she didn’t let me interrupt her. “You should go, so I don’t infect you.”

“I won’t leave you alone, unless that was your attempt to kick me out.”

“No, it wasn’t”, she explained and I felt relieved. She didn’t seem to be angry at me or the way I’d spent my night and that made me feel a little less sick. 

“Good, then”, I said and slipped under her covers. Her eyes were on me, looking a little shocked, otherwise just intensely focused on me, as I moved towards her to rest her head on one of my arms and spoon her. “You fine, love?”

“Yes, but you don’t have to -“

“But I want to”, I whispered into the back of her neck. 

“Thank you”, she murmured, shifting around a little to get the most comfortable.

“I was worried, when you didn’t come home.”

“I’m so sorry, Tiff”, I told her again, honestly. “I really shouldn’t have gone.”

“Glad you realised that”, she mumbled and it made me chuckle a little. Her breathing became slower and deeper when she feel asleep and I hummed one of the songs, the boys and I were working on, to fasten up the process, until I eventually fell asleep as well. 

Tags

@crazyweirdocalledfriday @discodeakyy @blondecarfucker

Let me know what you guys thought 💕💕

[b0stonmanor]

since yall kept fuckin asking heres 1-155. Go ahead and see how fucking lame I actually am

1: Full name: Madison Lyn (I’m not putting my last name on the internet lmao)

2: Age:19

3: 3 Fears: heights, elevators, being alone for the rest of my life 

4: 3 things I love: cats, coffee, sleeping

5: 4 turns on: (I’m gonna make it nonsexual okay): body mods, humor, good vibes, nice laugh

6: 4 turns off: (gonna make these nonsexual too): rude, nasty, conceited, takes days to reply lmao

7: My best friend: girl: @bohoangel guy: @bostonnanner

8: Sexual orientation: pansexual

9: My best first date: haven’t had a best one yet, need someone to change that lmao

10: How tall am I: 5′8

11: What do I miss: lots of things and people both too many too name

12: What time was I born: 2:06am

13: Favourite color: blue

14: Do I have a crush: still crushin on my last man

15: Favourite quote: either some vine or “I’m here for a good time not a long time” I have way too many favs

16: Favourite place: my room, best friends house, or beach house

17: Favourite food: buffalo chicken or alfredo

18: Do I use sarcasm: of course not 

19: What am I listening to right now: music ;)

20: First thing I notice in new person: smile

21: Shoe size: no

22: Eye color: hazel

23: Hair color: naturally brunette currently red

24: Favourite style of clothing: gothic, pop punk or hippie/boho

25: Ever done a prank call?: I havent personally 

27: Meaning behind my URL: I needed to change my url of 8 years and I wanted something short and easy to remember but I also wanted it to be a band so it would fit my blog and surprisingly this one wasnt taken

28: Favourite movie: I have way too many 

29: Favourite song: again way too many

30: Favourite band: AGAIN way too many

31: How I feel right now: I feel fucking exhausted 

32: Someone I love: okay now Im sad 

33: My current relationship status: okay NOW Im crying but single

34: My relationship with my parents: welp my dads dead and my mom and I are okay

35: Favourite holiday: Halloween or Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing I have: no tattoos yet and I have my nose pierced and first and second holes pierced on my ears

37: Tattoos and piercing I want: too many

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I was 12 that should be enough

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No. In fact I could never hate him and I dont think I’ll love anyone like I did/do him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: eh sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? last text over imessage yes

42: When did I last hold hands?: I have no idea

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I dont do anything really so not too long

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: dont out me

45: Where am I right now?: my room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: @bohoangel

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: both

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: mom

49: Am I excited for anything?: nah

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? @bostonnanner

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: eh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I mean idc but it’d just be fucking weird cause they’re kissing in front of me 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: plenty of people lmao

55: What is something I disliked about today?: I’ll do yesterday since today hasnt really happened. But it was fathers day and my heart was hurting so bad cause I miss my dad more than anything and really wish he was still here

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: my fuckin soulmate bitch

57: What do I think about most?: in all honesty, my ex

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do this smile thing that nobody else can do and it makes me look like a frog

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: probably

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: in front

61: What was the last lie I told?: that I was a child of God

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: video chatting but I dont mind either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: fuck yes and fuck yes

64: Do I believe in magic?: I’m a god damn witch bitch

65: Do I believe in luck?: I believe in karma

66: What’s the weather like right now? according to my phone its currently clear and 61 degrees

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: I have no idea

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: eh

69: Do I have any nicknames? Maddie, Mad, Mads

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I had a staph infection in my foot that went back and forth across my foot and then up my leg (doctor said if my mom didn’t bring me when she did I would’ve died cause it would’ve gone to my heart)

71: Do I spend money or save it?: spend it 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? ye

74: Favourite animal?: cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: I have no idea

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: oh shit I’ve never thought of this

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: good question

78: How can you win my heart?: Be Italian 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I honestly have no idea

80: What is my favorite word? bitch

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I get asked this way too much

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: probably some hippie bullshit

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I’ve had relatives in jail but I dont think anyones in jail rn

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? theres too many lmao

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? probably if I’ve smoked or drank or have done anything bad but only if my mom was asking

86: What is my current desktop picture? its just basic 

87: Had sex?: nah

88: Bought condoms?: nah

89: Gotten pregnant?: nah

90: Failed a class?: nah

91: Kissed a boy?: ye

92: Kissed a girl?: ye

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nah

94: Had job?: ye

95: Left the house without my wallet?: ye

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: nah

97: Had sex in public?: nah

98: Played on a sports team?: ye

99: Smoked weed?: ye

100: Did drugs?: nothing hardcore just smoking weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?: nah

102: Drank alcohol?: ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: I’ve tried

104: Been overweight?: no answer

105: Been underweight? also no answer

106: Been to a wedding?: ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye

109: Been outside my home country?: nah

110: Gotten my heart broken?: of course

111: Been to a professional sports game?: ye

112: Broken a bone?: ye

113: Cut myself?: ye

114: Been to prom?: ye

115: Been in airplane?: ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: nah

117: What concerts have I been to?: pink, metallica/volbeat, warped tour 2016,2017,2018, jingle ball, some birthday bash, I cant remember if I’ve been to any other ones lmao

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: not entirely 

119: Learned another language?: not fully

120: Wore make up?: ye

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: I’m a child of god

122: Had oral sex?: nah

123: Dyed my hair?: ye

124: Voted in a presidential election?: not yet

125: Rode in an ambulance?: couldve a couple times but my parents decided to drive me

126: Had a surgery?: nah

127: Met someone famous?: I guess? 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: who doesnt do this

129: Peed outside?: ye

130: Been fishing?: ye

131: Helped with charity?: I think so

132: Been rejected by a crush?: who doesnt get rejected

133: Broken a mirror?: probably

134: What do I want for birthday?: lots of things

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I have no idea

136: Was I named after anyone?: No but I have the same middle name as my aunt

137: Do I like my handwriting?: ye

138: What was my favorite toy as a child?: I have no idea

139: Favorite Tv Show?: American Horror Story, Bob’s Burgers, The Office, or Drunk History

140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Hampshire

141: Play any musical instrument?: I can play the violin and piano and can also sing but idk if that counts lmao

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: its barely noticeable but literally right under my left eye (like right at the edge of my dark circle lmao) I got attacked by a dog and it bit me in the face and I had to get stitches but I bitched out and had it glued instead lmao

143: Favorite pizza topping? cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?: depends where I am

145: Am I afraid of heights?: ye

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:nah

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: haha yeah

148: What I’m really bad at: everything

149: What my greatest achievements are: I fucking graduated from high school. Like I would never wish what I went through on anyone ever not even my worst enemy. It was worse than hell

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I honestly dont remember 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: lots of stuff

152: What do I like about myself: my eyebrows

153: My closest Tumblr friend: I cant say @bohoangel cause I’ve known her since 5th grade so I’ll say @bostonnanner even though we met on omegle years ago lmao

154: Something I fantasize about: lots of things

155: Any question you’d like?: literally whatever anyone wants to know

[captainstevenrogerswrites]

@flamingshieldwrites

He couldve easily made love to him right then and there in the bed but something inside of him was telling him to catch sleep while they could, after all the world would stir awake soon and they both needed to catch up on some much needed sleep.

He heard Johnny's mutterings and stroked his fingers up and down his arm for comfort "Baby I've got you, sleep for me" he kissed his forehead and pulled him closer into his arms, making sure his eyes had fallen asleep before his. The feeling of someone else to his other side didnt go away but he was determined to give them sleep "I love you too, sweet dreams" and boy did he wish for sweet dreams.

He had fallen asleep and truth be told he wasnt sure of he had just fallen asleep or been asleep for a while but hearing "Stevie" whispered stirred him gently, it took another "Stevie" to make him flicker his eyes open, falling on the sleeping love of his life. He smiled sleepily, relieved he was sleeping but then his eyes looked around the room, did he dream his name being called?

The room was silence, he really didnt know what he would do if he had heard it with his eyes open and the only man to say it was asleep in his arms. A small yawn escaped his lips, now he had stirred he needed a wee and softly he groaned. He really didnt want to move, but given his body deciding now was the time, he quietly slipped out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, trying not wale his boyfriend up.

Soft, cool kisses caressed at the soft nape of sleeping Johnny's neck, cool fingers caressing over his hip. His own body pushed forward into the mattress as the quilt slowly was pulled up to his shoulders to hide all. There was a pressure now against his back and ass, the massaging fingers scratching over his sides as one hand reached and gripped his neck firmly. His legs were spread and then he was rolled onto his back, pleasurable touches tingling his body.

Meanwhile steven in the bathroom, finished his business and washed his hands then stared at himself in the mirror. The man of his dreams was asleep and alone in bed and yet here he was staring in the bathroom dimly lit mirror wondering what the hell was he going to do. Sighing, he leaned down over the sink, he was Captain America for pitys sake .

Gritting his teeth , he closed his eyes, maybe he should call those people now but what if they turned around and said they were crazy, that thing was fine and they now was just projecting that fear on one another. He felt like kicking something, but what was the point?

Quietly he made his way into the kitchen and got a glass of orange juice from the fridge, taking a sip. Leaning on the side, he closed his eyes and sighed, he wished to God he could shake this feeling off. He felt arms wrapped around his waist, making him smile "you're supposed to be sleeping, babyboy" leaning back, he leaned on him, resting his head on his shoulder. He just wanted some kind of comfort from all this.

"You know maybe we should...." he opened his eyes and turned around expecting to see Johnny but was welcomed with.....nothing. Scrunching his eyes shut again he tried to stop his heart was panicking then forced his eyes open and saw.....nothing.

Running his fingers through his hair he placed the glass in the sink and exhaled "Okay, Roger's, you're going mad. Go to bed, you're sleep deprived" he whispered to himself as he then walked towards the bed only to stop as he caught Johnny moaning and moving in bed. Perking his brow, he figured he was having some sort of wet dream, he was tempted to interrupt the dream with reality but instead decided one of them having broken sleep was bad enough, let alone waking Johnny up from what looked like a good dream so put on some pants and slipped out into the balcony, unaware that Johnny wasn't truly alone.

Looking out at the city below, he pushed his hand in his pants pockets and dug out a small packet of cigarettes and a lighter. No one really knew he smoked, he rarely did unless he was extremely stressed or worried and yet here he was, months without a single drag, lighting up his cigarette and breathing in the first inhale. The city was starting to stir awake and yet all he wanted was for her to go back to sleep and him along with it. Leaning forward he took another inhale of the smoke and sighed over the city "morning, beautiful" he whispered to the city "care to make me sleep?" He smiled a little, talking to the city, yes he was going mad but then he did something he hadnt done in a while. He looked up to the sky "I know you and I are on a rocky road right now, Lord, but I dont know what to do, I dont know how to protect him and I should. Its killing me that I cant. I'm asking for just a sign that this is all in our head, I'm losing faith and my mind. Help me, please" chewing on his inner lip he sighed once more, as if God would help him anymore, he was a man out of time and maybe.....maybe Steven was too lost to help. He didnt want to think about it, he couldnt. As long as Johnny managed to catch up on sleep, then thats all that mattered. They would phone the people at a more reasonable hour of the morning, go to theirs and sort their heads out.

Maybe they needed to get away, somewhere where they felt safe, with no motels or anything of a reminder around, maybe they just needed......a sudden coldness surged through his spine, making him drop the cigarette over the edge as he leaned forward and groaned "fuck' he moaned as for a split second it was painful. It still stung but he finally could fully stood up, catching his reflection in the balcony glass, his features went pale. Words scratched into his back, bleeding were "MINE" his heart raced so much he was sure he was about to have a heart attack as he clutched at his chest "Jo...." before he could find the air enough to shout out for his lover, his eyes rolled back as his body went limp and fell to the floor, a dark shadow emerging from the corner of the balcony, edging closer to a now unconscious Steven.

No Vacancy... (Horror)

[neuropathicgypsy]

I text my younger brother today to congratulate him on his one year out of the penitentiary. He told my parents at dinner. It made them all really happy. It literally took less than a minute to send... Took longer to realize it had been a year... I'd been seeing pictures... And I always have to make room on my phone and I refuse to delete the videos of the day he was last released.. So I was four days late... But what's more is that no one else realized. And that's what they talked about at dinner. My dad Sounded all young and happy... Then for some reason we remembered this time that my brother had a girlfriend he would skip school with... I didn't know because I didn't go to school but I didn't stay at home... Until I just couldn't handle my schedule of going to literally three different schools a day, ranging from high school to vocational to University classes. And working as a waitress. I had had pnoumonia for weeks and no one had noticed... So I decided to just stay in bed and hope no one noticed. But I got up and went out the back to smoke some weed and a cigarette... Then of course I had to take a shit and pee... So I went to the bathroom... It was an old house so the only bathroom was between my parent's and younger brother's room. So I usually went through my brother's room, it was closer and had more space than my parent's with their giant king size water bed and dressers and all. So I heard this girl "Chris is that you!?" I was sick and so I thought I was fucked up.. so I sat on the edge of his bed... I thought let me set myself up straight.. cause my head was fuzzy and clogged up... I knew wasn't no girl in our house in the middle of the day... Unless my mom didn't go to work in which case then I should leave... Before she knew I was there. So I sat to think about what to do. Then I heard her "Chris?! What the fuck are you doing?!" And I was all okay if that's my fucking mom then what the fuck is she talking like that?! Cause my father did not allow her to speak that way to us. So I was all fuck that and if he didn't go to school I ain't leaving to pretend I did. So I get up and open the bathroom door and there's some girl sitting half naked on our lavender purple toilet. What the fuck. Bull shit. Goddam if I didn't have to pee more just seeing the bathroom. "Chris do I look good?!" She stood up and put her back towards me and looked over her shoulder furthest away from me. Oh my god. I'm gonna hit this bitch. "No. What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" She turns with this shocked look on her face, covers her tits and screams. Okay that's not really nice... I should wait till she had clothes right?... Ughhh.. "I FUCKING HAVE TO PEE!!" "GET OUT, GET OUT IM GOING TO TELL CHRIS! OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE SEEING ME NAKED FOR?!?!" "because you won't get out" So she screams like crazy.. turning herself around and bending her knees... I shake my head and walk away to the phone... leaving all the doors wide open.. But then I was like okay if I call the police will I have to explain why I'm not at school? Cause I don't want to. And I'm high. Are they gonna find my weed? Cause I don't want to deal with that either. The phone was basically right outside his bedroom on the wall between the dining room and living room. So.. she comes out "I gotta get dressed!!" Okay fuck the police, I gotta pee. So I go through my parents room and luckily she hadn't thought to lock that door either. So I pee and flush and she's screaming at me that I'm using the toilet. Yeah and it's purple. And I wonder if she's just mentally crazy or if like she spread HIV in our bathroom... Like did I just accidentally kill myself? I decide I'm not high enough to deal with this so I walk through my brother's room to check on screaming naked girl whose all trying to get her shoes on... White tennis shoes. Who the fuck wears those? I figured it was some cheerleader... Where we lived.. all the cheerleaders were sluts... Not being mean, two of my best friends were cheerleaders and both ended up pregnant before we even got close to graduation. Whatever. It's kind of amusing how she's always screaming and then she tells.me she's gonna throw her shoe at me. Seriously. Throw it. Cause you won't. It's all white and shiny and shit like they're meaningful and not just shoes. "And​?!!?" The bitch does... Then runs across the room to grab it from the floor cause she obviously did not engage in actual sports. Cause she couldn't throw. I go to my room. I leave the door open so she can scream more... I look for my weed and I'm wondering should I roll a joint or get my pipe from the car.. And if I have to go all the way to my car, shouldn't I just leave? But oh no here comes this girl. I can't do anything she's in my way and I don't want her trying to smoke my weed Because I bet she will. I can tell she's like that. "Your room. I mean the room. It's yellow. You're not allowed to be in here. Wow it's yellow that's crazy. Come on, get out. I'll throw my shoe" So I just grab my weed and shove it in my pocket. Fuck this bitch. I'm about to smoke a big ass bowl. "What's in your pocket?" I stand at her and blink. I'm fucking pissed. "You better tell me or I'll.. I'll" "Throw your shoe?" I laugh "I'll spray this perfume. I'm sure Chris' sister won't mind!" I take it out of her hand as she grabs it from my dresser and I put it on the shelf behind her. "Where is he anyway?" "Oh. Well... You know... Getting some friends. Probably got held up in class" "And you?" "I'm here protecting this house" I seriously want to know who's gonna die cause bitch was stupid. Stupid can be dangerous. But she was scared. That meant ... The fucking bitch.. she was all spinning in her head "I'll... I'll..." Then the slow motion appeared... And her fist slowly went up.. I checked her.. made sure she wasn't gonna do her hair or adjust her tits or something. No she was fucking crazy gonna hit me. Okay first she was like a whole foot shorter than me. Second she was just bones. She looked like a second grader. Cause I know by third grade even Cheryl had more tits than her (that was mean...) But she had gone through puberty via growing hairs as I had seen in the bathroom... Whatever. So I grab her by her shirt. Right at her throat. "Whoa! Whoa!" I paused... "I'm gonna scream" No she wasn't. She wasn't gonna scream two inches from my face in my own fucking bedroom with her clothes on. So I jerked her towards me and towards the door then I shoved her "get the fuck out of my room" I told her through my clenched jaw. And she bounced on the floor. Twice. "I'm ... I'm on the floor" "Don't get up" to make sure she wasnt going to... Because... When I saw her fall. That's when I knew she was dead... And it's that animalisticness we all still have not evolved from... It made me just full of rage and hate and I didn't want her to ever get up. But she did. So I threw a chair at her face. She started crying so I went out through the kitchen to find my brother cutting across the vacant lot next door. Good cause I was about to let his dog in the house to kill that girl... And maybe I should ask him if he minded his Great Dane killed someone​ that day. "Hey you're here!" "Hey there is some bitch---" But the house, I had left both doors leading out open and the bitch began to scream. So he ran in the house all "oh shit!!" "Great. Now he's going to care. Sorry George" I patted the dog's head... No blood today. I heard footsteps​ behind me so I turned around "No because I'm a mess. I've been crying and hiding from her because some girl. Idk who I guess one of your friends went into your sister's room and while I was getting dressed..." "You fucked her and then left her in here for me to find sitting naked on the toilet?" The dumb girl was covering her face cause apparently she didn't realize that boys know that it runs and smears and bla bla. Which was good for her cause she didn't see my brother totally bust into laughter. Then she started fucking yelling "there she is!!! Oh my god, get her!!!" That's it. I was gonna punch her. Right in front of him. Let him know what I thought about his little whore. "Sis!! Drop the fist!!" He ran between us. "Hey are you okay? This is my sis. Sabrina, tell her youre my sis. Come on!!" "Hey are we cheating or something? I mean what's going on here?" Cause I mean if it were me and some girl was all in my boyfriend's house acting like she lived there I would be all 'who you fucking and why? Cause I don't need this shit' "Sabrina!! What the fuck?!?!" "See now, that's what I'm saying" I'm very amused at everyone's insane reactions, despite being sick. I cross my arms and put my chin in between my fingers like it's really puzzling. But I don't give a shit. I'm sick and there's some freak freaking out screaming in the back yard and someone was gonna call the police. I lean down to her munchkin face and yell "SHUT UP!!" "what? It's the first time you said that to me! What?! What's goin on here? Oh Chris hold me!" She runs and leans her dumb head on his chest I just bug my eyes like what the fuck have you done now this is crazy kinda bad and I shake my head as to indicate I want nothing to do with this. "What? You didn't know this was my sister?" "No she threw a chair.. she didn't know me" I wait for their dribbling conversation to go and I smoke a cigarette. Really wishing it was a joint. "So wait. You never said who you were and you threw a chair?" "She threw a shoe" "You said I wouldn't. I didn't say anything about a chair. Oh and she threw me on the floor Chris!" And she Huddle's against his chest. I shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh... I guess to some people I would look like a bully but it was funny stupid. That girl was dumb as a sack of rocks. So I roll my eyes again as he soothes her retardation. I really try not to laugh. I almost want to cry because it's so pathetic but more like in a why can't they stop so I can smoke a joint way. "I'm going in" "No wait" "Look. This is a mess and I'm only waiting out here in this piss if you got a pipe" So he pulls one out his pocket and hands it to me. I always hand broke my weed as soon as I got it so it was always ready to roll a joint or load a bowl. "Here there's some in it" "It's cashed" there was mostly just Ash that I could taste "No don't dump it" Okay then. He's back to his wet noodle and I just throw in a pinch of weed on top of whatever he wants to keep in his pipe. I don't question other people's ethics of drug use. Whatever you want to keep trash Ash. I don't care. But I want weed. It's just a pinch, enough for four hits. My friends and I would do it when we all had weed... Throw in the perfect pinch, then every one got a hit, you, them, them, you. the next person in the circle dumps it and refills. We always did it absolutely perfectly. And we always used our own lighters. When one of us didn't have weed or was rolling a joint as Jennifer usually would, we would throw an extra hit so only Stephanie and I would load the bowl/bong. Because Jennifer would usually pass at least once. We had a system. My brother did the "pass the lighter with the bowl" system I don't like that Be responsible and have your own goddam lighter. I don't want my shit stole. So he tried to give me a lighter so he could get passed But no. If I had to watch that girl act like a retard that needs some man to.make her feel better because she's an idiot... Well. I was not sharing. Finally she admitted she was embarrassed and "only wanted to smoke weed" I kicked her ass. And I was gonna let the dog kill her. "Well here" I tapped her on her shoulder with the back of my hand with the pipe in it "She's handing you the pipe" "No I'm a mess" I stand there in the symphony of retardation... And I'm like so fucking sick and she is so fucking dumb. "Yeah well I seen you naked" My brother laughed. He couldn't help it. Then his best friend finally came up. "Here, Tim, help me load this, you got any weed? Can I dump this? It's cashed" "What is cashed?" My brother did not use my hippie words I got from Stephanie's Uncle. "Empty. It's all Ash" "College kids" he shook his head smiling "yeah Tim, load this" "Here just do half, I kicked her ... Ass... It was funny. Here I owe her. Here I'll give you some okay?" "I'm a mess" "And so? I'm sick and you shouldn't be smoking after me anyways so you're gonna need this. I touched you. On your skin" "Oh are you contagious!" "Sis!!!" He snatched the bowl from me "Well I was gonna smoke a joint anyway" I go to walk off. "But what about the weed?!" Okay my patience was fucking gone. If you're gonna sanitize the goddam pipe what the fuck are you gonna do with my weed?!?!? It was a metal pipe so Tim just let the mouthpiece up. After I explained to him that heat kills germs and he was pissed I spread germs on his pipe. Me and the girls never got sick off each other. But no Drama squad. So I gave them a half pinch and went to go in the house. "Well you can smoke, just burn it after you" Yeah then I burnt the hell out of tim's lip cause I'm like disinfect the shit. Make it red hot. And he ended up with some serious blister that looked like herpes from hell. "Y'all need to smoke a joint. Fuck that bowl shit and that girl. She needs help" "Yeah so do you" told me the retard. Seriously? Three more words our her mouth like that and I was gonna throw Tim at her. And of course she couldn't shut up and I did. Then I got yelled at!!! "All I wanted to do was pee and sleep and eat and take a shit in my own house without being screamed at. And you! You threw a shoe!! So what the hell are you telling me?!?!" Tim was both amused and pissed off. So I told him "now you know how I feel, next time don't ask to catch up" "College kids. You know she's in college, right? That's my sis" I walked away "Okay you can go in the house" I locked them out. My dad knew I had quit going to school for the most part... It had been about two solid weeks. He also knew my brother didn't go to school. He just told him that if there was trouble to tell him. So we all had family dinner for once. Denise was shocked I was actually home. And we discussed it after she went to take a shower... Well.. she was hiding in the bedroom, listening... Until she got shoved into the bathroom. Okay if you're not gonna do what you're told, hide someplace else. She for real walked into the bathroom, wrapped her head in a towel then sat on my brother's bed. #death "Not after the day I'm having" I grabbed her arm.. she for real tried to play dead. Like she wasn't there. "Get up" I told her in my clenched teeth. She for real was like playing dead. 'if I don't look at you, you can't see me' "DAD, this bitch---" "I'm going. I'm going okay. I just want to know what's going on" "I got beat up okay? I got beat by a chair by some girl and I think it was you so do you still want to sit there?" I checked to make sure she was naked and in the shower before I went back to the table where my brother was explaining the idiocies of the day. All my dad did was laugh. I just went back to bed. My dad admired us for not going to school. My mom went crazy about it. So she was upset and it made him happy. And he kept us out of trouble. And we were just like him. Fuck people. Do what you want. Be honest Be good. Don't start something unless you can finish it. He came in my room later and asked if I was okay. I told him I was just sick so he brought me some medicine and said that he told Chris not to bring that stupid girl over anymore. They needed to break up. My brother was pissed about it tho. Apparently he really admired me for working and going to college I didn't ever know that And he was upset that I was disrespected He was pissed what I did to Tim but I didn't burn his lip on purpose and I did give him a hug and apologize to him a few days later although he tried to intimidate me with a glare. And for some reason .... That's the memories that came up between the three of us tonight​ when my dad was happy that his son has spent an entire year and four days out of jail and out of trouble.

[weepingalter-blog]

Have you ever:

1) Self harmed?

yeah. i no longer do it tho. i fear the response 

2) Got into a real fight?

cam and i would get into fights when we were young. it wasnt serious but hes strong and im weak so bruises werent uncommon. apart from that then no

3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed?

yup

4) Tried to commit suicide?

yes. obviously failed

5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt?

yeah

6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting?

no. i dont watch tv

7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble?

yup. go back to self harm

8) Accused someone of using you?

of course. i am so afraid of the past repeating itself

9) Shoplifted?

no. too afraid to

10) Gotten drunk/high?

no. i doubt i never will

11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing?

no. concerts scare me so much

12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game?

not really

(Right now) Are you: 13) Suicidal?

yeah. not like i would ever do it

14) Bored?

no? just extremely depressed and paranoid

15) Avoiding someone?

technically yes. i dont want to talk to people right now

16) Avoiding some task?

yes if you count self destructive things

17) Depressed?

haha yes

18) Crying?

god i wish so. i cant as mum will soon come up to bed and i cant let her see me crying

19) Annoyed with a friend?

paranoia is making me do feel annoyed

20) Worried and confused about something important to you?

yeah i guess

Do you: 21) Get depressed easily?

yeeeesss

22) Get jealous/envious easily?

again yes

23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things?

depends on the music

24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot?

yes. a lot. i do it anyway so why worry

25) Try hard in all your classes at school?

i am at college now but yeah. i need to try now

26) Go out drinking?

no

27) Smoke cigarettes?

no

28) Smoke weed?

no

29) Do any hard drugs?

no

30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why?

no to both. i cant even get away with it so why bother

31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will?

no. i am sure i am a nihilist

32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them?

yesyesyes

33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain?

yup

34) Believe people deserve second chances?

NO

35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying)

i dont know. i fear being hurt for doing something bad in return so i guess not

36) Think things will get better?

i want to think it but i cant even believe it

37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished?

yes

38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest)

of course

Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend: pretty sure im on the ace spectrum but regardless ill do it

39) Long hair OR short hair?

long

40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs?

nice abs i guess

41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?

i dont think im attracted to men

42) Shy OR open?

open? as long as they are there for me

43) Eyes OR body?

eyes

44) Religious OR non-religious?

non-religious i guess

45) Caring OR non-restricting of you?

caring

46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge?

i dont know what this means

47) Piercings OR no piercings?

no piercings

48) Tattoos OR no tattoos?

tattoos

49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type?

stay at home

50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with?

friends

Would you: 51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk?

no

52) Smoke weed?

no

53) Smoke cigarettes?

no

54) Get even with someone who betrayed you?

never

55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you?

fuck no

56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you?

maybe. if theres nothing to stop me then yeah

57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what?

sure

58) Join a band as a part time activity?

no

59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse?

i mean sure

60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them?

nooo

61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like?

i might not stick to it but ill try

62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family?

no. cant fight

63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online?

i dont post pictures online

64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported?

they arent friends so no

65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people?

i dont really interact with people but sure

66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them?

possibly

67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems?

oh lots

68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes?

not for clothes, no. i am close to underweight as im 5.3ft and around 110 pounds so very close to underweight

69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you?

no. why bother

70) Sleep naked?

i do that already so yeah

You can only choose one: 71) Black or Orange?

black

72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore?

metal?

73) Cellphone or Computer?

computer

74) Chocolate milk OR Coke?

coke

75) Tumblr OR Friends?

tumblr. i can be private on here

76) Apple OR PC?

whats the difference

77) TV Shows OR Movies?

movies

78) Old bands OR new Bands?

new

79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock?

music

80) Reading OR Listening to music?

listening to music

81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice.

whats the difference

82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically?

staying who i am. the latter would make things worse

83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge?

i dont care

84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice.

wut

85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice.

dont care

86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary?

documentary. i know my life is a joke but it suits a documentary

87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe?

outer space

88) Shoes OR Shirts?

shirts

89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence?

nah

90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice.

stay. i am close to finishing college so why bother

Almost over: 91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest.

i did my best

92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family?

yes

93) Do you want to travel when you are older?

no

94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams?

i dont have any dreams so no

95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions?

i dont care. plus since there are questions about school then good

96) Rather be the opposite gender?

what would that be? agender?

97) What will you name your son/daughter?

hope

98) Do you get harassed more than most people do?

i think

99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason.

dont have one

100) What makes you a bad person in your mind?

im just so shit and terrible and all i do is hurt others

[horaynestylikinson]

Today was a long day

My days are always so boring, and on some days life just decides to blow up a lot of things to my face, in a single day. And that’s why I can never really make a good blog post describing my day/life, because I’ll end up talking about a lot of stuff.

Like earlier this morning, I had my driving lessons. Even prior to the lessons, I felt like expressing into a blog post how I always felt apprehensive about them. The day after tomorrow is the day of my driving test, if I pass I get my license, and obviously I don’t want to experience the feeling of failing my driving test. 

The problem is, failing a driving test is so common. I have 4 older siblings, and half of them failed their first test. 

So I don’t know if I should feel bad about failing, or what. If I should expect failing. I’m a person not used to failing. But in this case, I have a funny feeling if I pass the first test,.

I’m really confused here. I’m really scared too. Because I keep half expecting I’ll fail, and because the overall ‘driving’ thing for me makes me think on how common it is people get involved in an accident, big or small. Especially given the fact that people behave unexpectedly on the road.

Okay that was one issue. 

I also have been a little uneasy with the two instructors I’ve had before this, but today I got a different instructor, and I’m pretty pleased with this guy. I first met him during the last lesson, he was to send me home from the driving school. He had an easy-going nature, we had a conversation the ride home (conversations with the other instructors have been awkward), and today I discovered that yes, I would prefer learning with him. Because he won’t declare that I would fail every time I did a mistake, he’d just point it out and give me instructions on what to do if so and so. Yes, I still do appreciate the lectures I get from my other instructors on why I should pay attention to small details the examiner would, but it does just get on my nerves. 

I don’t prefer, however, that this instructor smoked a cigarette every time he steps out of the car. And a few other details, but I’m not gonna list down everything that I like about these instructors.

I was supposed to have another lesson tomorrow, but seeing because these were extra classes, and I had to pay extra (RM40/hour for 3 hours), my dad told me to practice with my brother around the neighbourhood. The test route at the school had more traffic and wider roads, whilst my neighbourhood has narrower roads (but the cars are bloody fast) and a few inclines (a lot of speed bumps too). 

I got home at 11 am, and before 12 I went out with my fam to do some shopping. I was already tired after the driving lesson, but oh well, I have been staying at home doing nothing for so many days.

Cut to the chase, at one point I thought I saw this guy that I used to like about 2 years ago. My automatic reaction was to turn away and hide my face. I braved myself to take a look at him when he’s passed, only to learn that that wasn’t him.

I was glad that my heart hadn’t leapt up to my throat, like the last few times i saw him.

Guess what? A few hours later, we moved to the mall next door, and while the rest of the fam went to perform prayers, me and my sis went to a shoe store. 

The guy was there. Yes.

My eyes didn’t have to take 2 seconds to know it was him. Well, the whole time me and my sis was there, I completely pretended that I didn’t see him; though I knew we were going to come back to the store later, with the whole family. So when the rest of the fam had come, we went to buy clothes and to buy some stuff from the pharmacy.

And when we got back to the shoe store, I made the first move, of making eye contact, of making that face where I pretended ‘waiitt,, I know you....’ (literally, with a forefinger held in mid air and squint my eyes). 

Let me do a quick background story.

I had an eye on the boy when I was 12, the first few weeks of secondary school. But I learnt he had a girlfriend, so I told myself to back off. Near the end of the second year, I helped him find some books, and he said my name, and I was like ‘oh, crap, I do have feelings for him’. I saw that his facebook status was single, so I let myself observe him. 

Fast forward middle of the third year, I had a really bad crush on him, and during September/October I initiated contact with him on ask.fm. It’s a site where you ask people questions, you can do it anonymously or with an account. Long story short, he found out who I was, (worst feeling ever) but the next day he didn’t seem interested in talking to me irl. I was SOOOOOOOOO devastated. SOOOOOO devastated. Why? Because I was (am) such a shy person. I was not pretty (still am, but I’ve accepted myself for who I am and idc how I look like)

Then I picked up very subtle signs that he had a thing with my friend’s friend (who, on the fourth year, became my classmate). That was the very worst day I’ve ever had that I can remember, also, I overdosed on something on that day that made me kinda sure I was going to die that evening. But I didn’t. And on the fourth year, I learnt that he had a girlfriend (someone not from our school), which left me confused, because i thought my classmate was his girlfriend? 

Apparently my classmate was confused too, but I never asked anyone about it, and I decided I don’t like him anymore (it wasn’t as easy as how I’m making it sound, obviously).

A very short period after I decided to see myself as superior to him (I don’t remember if the very next day, or the week after that), I actually talked to the guy.

Okay let’s get back to what happened today. So after I acknowledged his presence (and I gestured that he and my younger bro both have the same names), I still purposely not-look-at-him that much. Yeah, I asked him about the shoe sizes and asked him for this size that size whatever and when I was being goofy trying them out in front of my parents he kept glancing over at me and -was he smiling?-.

Oh, I forgot to share the tale of when I discovered his girlfriend’s ig (his was privated, but my reaction’s still pretty much the same when he approved my follow request) and I was, how do I describe this,...

You really like a guy. And you really look up to him. He has a lot of qualities you like, I mean, he’s so similar to how you’d want your son to grow up to be. (p,s: currently, I’m hoping I won’t fall in love and get married and start a family) And you discover that his girlfriend is one of those selfie+duckface types, doing oozywoozymybfissoannoyingbutshoooocutie captions/comments, and you’re like, teary eyed, you deserve so much more than her!

I think what I need to inform you is that my heart didn’t have a panic attack. Sure, my hands trembled a bit, I was a little shook, but I’ve put him, I have strained and exhausted myself to put him behind a few years ago.

Afterall, I was in love with the guy in my head, not him. 

He’s a nobody to me now. We only exchanged like, 4/5 sentences. (oh, i also need to tell you my father kinda did his ‘teach em a lesson’ to the guy because my younger bro wanted to buy socks, and father was like ‘ARE THOSE SOCKS HIS SIZE’ and the guy was like ‘erm, they’re free size’

‘YEAH BUT DO THEY FIT MY SON’S FEET’

‘yeah, we just measured it’

wait i need to interrupt

oh my god the guy of my -past- dreams was bonding with my younger brother who has the same name as him

the guy of my -previous- fantasies of my future has met my family

the guy who i want(ed) to spend the rest of my life with has seen how challenging his future (perhaps in an alternate universe) father-in-law could be

okay continue

‘THOSE SOCKS ARE MEN’S SIZE. YOU SEE?’ *wagging the socks* ‘MEN. THIS IS A BOY. A CHILD’

to be honest, that child’s feet are almost my size, but,... *does not interfere*

and when everything’s all paid, the guy freaking smiles (i wasnt looking, ehem, but, like, i have invisible eyes all over my head) and said thank you please come again in the sweetest way i know he could do to my *older* brother who did the payment.

so like, we only exchanged like 4/5 sentences each, but I couldn’t help my mind going over those empty exchanges, wishing I had said more, wishing I’d replied differently, with different words, just...

okay wait to finish everything off, i was so beat when we got home, but my father made me practice my driving, and it’s 11.16pm right now. 

i made the title today was a really long day because i woke up at 6.30, after days of waking up at noon. my bedtime has been 2 am for almost 2 weeks now, (i just can’t sleep early). i need to get enough rest minimum until my driving test the day after tomorrow. 

well, that’s all im going to share to no one on tumblr right now.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Mysterious stranger /Arthur being stalked by you

This was a request by someone on Twitter :)

Arthur is being stalked by a pretty girl /YOU

I decited to write from Arthurs view and the girls view.

So it switches.

Arthur and reader

Romance

Warnings: Nothing really, mentions of mental illness,

ENJOY :) <3

ARTHUR I just woke up all sweaty in in the middle of the night one more time. My insomnia was getting bad again. I felt like it has been getting worse since mum was at the hospital. I was worried about her condition. I even forgot to take my meds yesterday, which was bad. The pills helped me to find some rest at night. Without them my mind was racing, keeping me awake. Driving me INSANE. I usually started to write in my journal when I couldnt sleep but without my medication there were just black scribbles all over the diary when I looked at the pages. The last time I was off my meds I wrote the whole night through and when I looked in my journal the next morning,there was nothing but blank pages. Nothing. So, there is a reason I shouldnt forget to take them. But too many thoughts ran through my head yesterday, I just didnt thought of anything else. First of all I thought about Penny and if I was the reason she ended up at the hospital. I felt like I am a burden to her. She always told me I was brought into the world to spread joy and laughter. But she doesnt even think i`m funny. Imagin what a disappointment I must be to her.I was born for a reason and I couldnt even fullfill my destiny. This shit really kept me awake. And some other thing... A week ago I just came home from my therapist. And when I was waiting on the tram station, there was this girl in the middle of the crowd. She just kept on staring at me like... I don`t know. She just did. And it kinda scared me.I wasnt  used to peope staring at me like that. Usually I was the one observing things around me. Watching people. I always tried to observe. I need it for my jokes. The best jokes are inspired by real life actions. Stuff you see happening on the streets. I also watched people closely to understand what they are laughing about and how they react to jokes. Sometimes I sat on a table at Pogos and made little notes about what I think is important. I really wanted people to like me. I wanted be a light for them. Gotham needs some light. I wanted to be listened to and I wanted to be seen. I`ve got a lot to say but I`ve never talked to others cuz I didn`t knew how to start a conversation.  So I watched and learned how others managed to do that. I realized that my timing is a bit off when I laughed at others jokes. I`m wasn`t sure why. I needed to find out. Anyway, I wasn`t used to someone staring at me. I always wished someone did and when I saw that girl I should have been happy that she saw me but I didnt knew what to do about it. I wasnt sure WHY she was looking at me the way she did. If it was for good or for bad reasons. And I guess thats what made me insecure about  the whole situation. As soon as I got in the tram I kinda forgot about it but two days later I saw her again. I was standing in the pharmacy and was just about to pay, when I saw her standing outside the window. She was beautiful. There is no doubt it was the same girl. She was looking at me again.  I payed and when I turned around she was gone. For a moment there I was scared it might be another episode of hallucinations. That would be really bad. But it could be. I mean... why should a pretty face like her standing there, staring at me TWICE? I`m afraid this isnt really happening. Dr Kane said I should watch out for more hallucinations, especially about girls. So I will.

YOU This city made me sick. It`s beent two weeks since I moved here and already hated it here. It was grey, it smelled and people were rude. I didnt wanted to become one of the peole here. It seemed like it was a bad desicion to move here in the first place, but I couldnt afford to pay rent anymore, so I ended up here, in this really bad neighborhood.  I felt like I screwed up my life. Sleep was something I barely remembered. Every night I was lying awake, afraid of someone might brak into my apartment. Like I said... bad neighborhood.You couldnt trust anyone here. A week ago I got so nerveous while trying to sleep that I got up, made some tea and watched out the window. Even at night people walked down the streets, mostly homeless guys. It was one ugly, rainy, cold night. I sipped on my tea and watched the raindrops falling on the dark pavement. Like the whole city was crying out loud. I burned my tongue on the hot cup . I swear I saw someone standing in the window across the street. But it was no one there. Oh great, I thought. Two weeks here in Anderson avenue and you already start to see shadowns at night. But then I saw it again. It wasnt a shadow. It was a man standing in his kitchen, smoking a cigarette. Oh, just a neighbor, no shadows. Good. I realized that I could see most of the kitchen, his curtains were kinda see though. He turned around so I could see his profile. He had almost shoulder long, bown hair, slightly curly, a beautiful jawline and high cheekbones. I could tell from the distance that he was indeed very beautiful. I turnedmy light off to make sure he couldnt see me standing at the window, looking into his. But he didnt looked out the window anyway. It looked like he was talking to someone, but as far as I could tell he was the only one in the room. I watched him puttig down his cigarette as he took off his dark red sweater. I didnt expected him to be this thin. It seemed like he stopped talking and suddenly he started to raise his hands above his head, moving gracefully. He was dancing all alone by himself. In his kitchen. I couldnt help but staring at him and started to feel kinda bad for watching this behind my curtain. But something about him was just so insanly attractive. i stared at his fragile chest, his bony ribs, his messy bed hair. I guess he couldn`t find sleep, just like me. I wondered if he was sleepwalking. The way he moved was extraordinary. Suddenly he stopped. I almost got scared because I was so drawn to his dance moves, it seemed so unnatural to just stop. I took a step back from my window because he came a step closer to his. But he just leaned over the sink now. It looked like he was crying.  Something about this hurted my heart. I didnt even knew him but I couldnt help but feeling empathy for this beautiful, fragile man across the street, He was crying harder now. I felt my eyes watering as he slapped his own face. Why would he do that? Then he watched out the window. I was hiding in the corner of my room so fast I guess my curtains moved. I hope he didnt caught me staring. My heart was racing. Was he still there? I waited two minutes till I watched out the window again. He was gone.

ARTHUR I decited to go through the pages again I had written a week ago. I have to figure out why I remembered writing something that wasnt there in the morning. I skipped though the paged and stopped at a page that didnt even looked familir to me. Little drawings of catladies smoking cigs. i don`t remenber drawing this and start to read. "Insomnia is choking me again. It wrappes its strong arms around my neck, smothering me to death. At least thats how it feels while lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. So last night I wandered around the apartment for at least two hours straight. I smoked two packs of cigs as the music started playing in my head again. There is always music in my head, well, most of the time. Sometimes it gets so loud I can`t ignore it anymore. Its just floathing althrough my body, like energy. It holds me in its warm arms and I have to obey. It wanted me to dance again last night, so I moved around the kitchen to the music and it was so tragically beautiful in between the movements it made me do, that it almost started to hurt my body. So I stopped and wished for the sound to stop but it didnt and I just stood there and started to cry. Watching my tears falling into the kitchen sink, like the rain outside. The music still playing in my head. I slapped my face. Hard. Still noisy. I watched out the window. Gotham was crying, too. The city was just as depressed as I was. I swear I could see a shadow in the window across the street. But thats impossible. The neighbors there moved out some weeks ago. Must be my visions again."

YOU I couldnt stop thinking about the man across the street since I saw him. I watched out the window for so many times but I didnt got to see him for about thee days. But then I saw him crossing the street as I was just about to go buy some food. I know it wasnt the right thing to do but I followed him. I just needed to see him closer. I kept my distance so he won`t notice me. He was walking like someone that just got beaten up, his thin body hidden behind a brown sweater , and a jacket that looked way too huge on his small shoulders. He kept looking to the ground, his brown curls hanging sweaty upon his forehead. Even though his body language looked sad, he still managed to be extremly attractive to me. He was walking to the tram station and waited on his tram to arrive as I tried to be just a face in the crowsd, so I could take a closer look at him. I passed some people standing in the way until I found the right spot. There he was. Just about some foots away from me.And suddenly, as I was staring, he was looking right at me. God, I felt like my heart just sopped. Never ever have I seen more beautiful eyes in my life. So intense, piercing right though me, green but so very sad. I dont know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me but i felt like he caught me staring. I wanted to  turn around and leave imediately but his tram arrived and he got in there before I could even react. At night his pretty face appeared in my mind. Againa nd again. I just couldnt get him out of my head.I was closing my eyes, and caught myself dreaming about kissing him.  I laughed at myself. Silly girl ! Dreaming about the mysterious new neighbor was such a clishe. But it wouldnt help. I still wanted to get to know him. there was something so mysterious about him. His little dance in the kitchen. The crying at the sink.... his eyes!   I thought about ways to just talk to him, I mean we were neigbors, right? I could find a reason to just go to him and say something. But nothing came to my mind. So I decited to follow him one more time. Maybe he would just ran into me and we would talk. Two days later I saw him leaving the house again, so I threw a jacket over my shoulder and got downstairs in a hurry. This time there weren`t much people around so it was even harder for me to follow him without getting caught. Something about watching him started to turn me on.It was fun to fantasize about someone who didnt even knew you existed. But at the same time I wanted him to know that I exist. Maybe not yet but... He went to the pharmacy. I stopped outside. I thought about going in and pretend I wanted to buy something. But I forgot my purse so this would have been embarrassing. I saw him from behind, his blue pants looked baggy on him. Everything did. And just when I thought this was a good situation to stalk him, he turned around again and I knew he saw me. He looked me right into my eyes! I captured the moment he looked at me in my mind and tought about it in the afternoon, when I was lying in my bed, dreaming about touching his beautiful face. Soon he became my fave fantasie. I couldnt even find pleasure in any other daydream anymore. He was my sexy secret and I liked it that way. But I just knew that soon this wouldnt be enough. I had to get closer. I wanted him to see me. Not just from across the street. I wanted to get to know him as a person. I needed to know his story, I needed to know why he was so sad.

ARTHUR I just couldnt figure out my very own diary anymore. Something definitaly went wrong at the moment. I guess all the lonelyness got too much. I mean, I must have been used to this  but i wasnt. It got harder every day of my life. I wished for someone to love me so much that I had visions about girls. I tend to get them a lot but then it stopped for a while and now it seemed to start again. I was kinda worried about my condition and took two more pills today. I knew I shouldnt but I thought it would be better than forgetting to take them again. The slight overdose made me sweat a lot so I was in underwear only for the whole day, just lying on the coouch, watching all my fave episodes of teh Murray Franklin show. The only thing that made me stay up was going to the kitchen to make some coffe. I watched out the window while waiting for the water to bowl. There she was again. the girls I saw at the tram stationa nd at the pharmacy. She was crossing the street. I checked my forehead for fever.  I was burning up. Must be the overdose. "She`s not really there" I whispered to myself "Arthur, she`s not real, don`t even look". But I looked. And I could swear she was looking up my window before she headed to my house. I blushed. But I guess that was also caused by the fever. God, she looked like an angel. Such a sweet girl. She would never even  give me a look in real life. I knew that. And if she did... I wouldn´t even know what to do. I`ve never been with a woman before in my whole life. I never even kissed someone before. I`m just a loner. All I have are my fantasies. And Dr Kane wants to take them away from me,too. Maybe I should just give in and accept them. What if it wasnt a hallucination this time? What if this girl really saw me? What if?

You I did it. I wrote him a postcard. I held the card in my hands for like an hour and stared at it. I thought I wasnt brave enough to actually throw it in his letter box. But I did.I sneaked into the house and when I was standing in front of the letter boxes I wondered which one could be his. Thank god  some lady just got out of the elevator and I asked her which letter box belongs to the window with the thin curtain. And she told me that they belong to apartment 8J. It just took me about some seconds to find the right box. P. FLECK. There it was. FLECK. I threw my postcard in without giving it a second thought, otherwise I would have changed my mind. I was heading back home, blushing.

ARTHUR I woke up with a bad headache. Another appointment with Dr. Kane. I wanted to take a bath but I was too lazy and decited to let it be. I just brushed my hair back, lighted a cig and went out the house. I checked the letter box and hoped for a letter from Thomas Wayne, I mean, I knew there wouldnt be one but it would make my mother happy so I still hoped for it. Somehow she was obsessed with Wayne and I didnt even knew why. My heart just skipped a beat as I saw an hand written postcard. Wayne? I started reading it. "Dear mysetrious stranger, You don`t know who I am but I saw you out on the streets some days ago and I think I fell in love with you. I even dreamed about you at night. I really hope you`re doing fine. Kisses The girl who loves you"

I just kept staring at the letters. I rubbed my eyes. the letters were still there. The girl who loves you. I must have blushed. Was this real? I let my fingers slide over the paper. It felt real. I turned the card around. A plain red heart on white background. I touched it so many times and hoped for a proof that this was eighter real or a dream. Sometimes I am not sure anymore. Who would ever send me a card? I searched for a stamp. None. Someone must have threw it in the letter boy by themself. The girl ! The girl I saw on the street. Now it all made sense to me. Was she following me? I smiled. The thought of this pretty girl having a crush on me was wonderful. But I got scared at the same time. I could never get up and talk to her. How could I? I bet she thinks I am some sexy guy who knows how to get it on. She was dreaming about me? What dreams? I imagined her touching herself while thinking about me and I giggled to myself. "Nahh she wouldnt do that" I said to myself. Reading the postcard again "Or would you, sweet strange girl?" I put the postcard close to my heart. Her fingers must have touched the paper all over when she was writing me these lines. Does she want to touchme with those fingers? Oh I would love to touch her fingers. But what if she ever comes up to me personally and I would just stand there, frozen. Not a word coming out of my mouth? The thought of this scared me a lot. My biggest fear was to laugh in her presence.The laugh that wasnt really one. My condition. That would scare her away for sure. I felt my eyes watering and a tear fell on the postcard, right on the word "kisses". It smeared, which made me even sadder. I needed this card to be perfect. I felt the urge to laugh coming up my throath. But then something else came to my mind. What if I showed the card to Dr. Kane? She could proof to me that this card truly exists. The urge to laugh was gone. I put the card into my paper bag and hurried up to see Dr. Kane.

"Hello, Arthur. How have you been thoughthe last week? Any negative thoughts?" Dr Kane was repeating her same old questions again as I smoked my cig. Next thing would be asking me about my journal. BUT I would have something much more interesting with me this time. "I brought something with me today" I said as I grabbed the card. "I wondered if you could take a look and tell me what you think about this?" Dr Kane took the card out of my hands. She read it. "Who gave it to you, Arthur?" "The girl who loves me" Dr Kane gave me that look "Arhur..." "Well... it says `The girl who loves you `  there at the end, right? "Right" "So, you see it too?" "Sure, Arthur" She gives me the card back. I smiled. It was real. The card was real. Which meant the girl was real,too. No hallucinations. No visions. "Good" "So someone send it to you?" "I found it in my letter box, it has no stamp" "No stamp? Are you sure you didnt wrote it yourself?" she looked confused. I bet she couldnt imagin someone falling in love me me eighter. "Dr Kane, you know how my handwriting looks like." "Right. Can I see it again?" I gave her the card back. Her eyes are focused on it. "No typos" she whispered to herself. "Looks like someone really likes you, Arthur. Be careful" "W-what do you mean?" "You know that you sometimes... well... you tend to lose sense of reality sometimes. It could be difficult to meet up with a girl for you". I put the card back in my bag. "You think I couldnt handle it to have a girlfriend?" "Thats not what I said..." "It is exactly what you said" I got up and left the room. "See you next week, Dr Kane. I cant do this today" I got back home and placed the card under my pillow. I wanted to sleep on it. It was the first love note I ever got and felt so special. I grabbed my Pjs out of my wardrobe and looked at the red suit hanging in there. I never put it on by now. I always felt like it is waiting for a special event in my life. But nothing special ever happens. Until now. The card. the love note. The girl. I grab the suit and walk to the mirror. Holding it in front of my body to see how it would look like on me. I felt so insecure when thinking about dating a girl. I didnt knew how to react in front of her. Maybe the suit would help? I shook my head. Nahh. Just a stupid thought. Back in bed I imagined how it would be to have a girlfriend. To go out on dates with her, walking hand in hand across the streets. I bet Gotham wouldnt be half as bad as if its now. Sharing my life with someone. My bed. Having someone to cuddle with at night. Someone to calm down my bouncing leg. Someone to have sex with, It would be sweet. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

YOU Its been a day since I threw the card in the letter box. No answer. Of course not. He didnt even knew who I was. I watched out the window and hoped to see him in his apartment again. I got lucky this time. I saw him lying on the couch watching tv. He wora a cosy PJ and looked so cute in it. Still sexy though. I could eat him up. I wish I could just go over, knock on his door and tell him that i am the girl who send him the card. I wonder if he even got it yet. maybe he didnt open the letter box since then.  I saw him smoking, writing down some notes.   I tried to see more details of the living room. There was a clown mask and a costume hanging beside a mirror. It seemed like he had a thing for clowns, which made me think. maybe I`ll have a lil surprise for him... I searched through my stuff and  found the big, red flower that used to be part of a Clown outfit I was wearing years ago when I dressed up with my best friends. It looked brand new. Maybe he would like it. I put a little note on it and decited to put it in front of his door. Tomorrow. I couldn`t wait. The next morning I got out of bed early, to wait till he got out of the house.  When he did I sneaked into the house and waited till someone came out again, which lastet at least 50 minutes but it was worth it. I got in the elevator and walked to the door which said 8J. I hold my breath for a second. That was were he lived. He walked through that door every day. I wish I could just walk through it and go into his apartment.Looking though his stuff. I was a bit shamed of myself for having those kinda feelings. I felt like a stalker. But I couldnt stop my own thoughts from wanting him.  I put the big plush Flower down on the doormat and touched the door knob. Just to touch it. To touch what he touched  some about an hour ago. It felt sexy.

ARTHUR I just came home from work at Haha`s and felt drained. It was a long day. I got out of the elevator and saw something lying on my doormat. A big, red plush flower. Like one for clowns! My heart jumped when I picked it up. There was a little note saying "Dear stranger, if you want to meet me , I`ll be at the little fountain in the park today  at 7 O`Clock . The one with the litlle bird stature. It would be a pleasure to get to know you better. Kisses, The girl who loves you"

I bit my lips. Another note. She wanted to meet me. My hands were shaking while reading the note one more time. I actually was shaking so much I had troubles to get my keys into the lock. I threw my jacket on the couch, sat down and pressed the plushy flower to my chest. It felt so soft to the touch. A present. I never got presents. Not even when I was a kid or on my birthdays. Everything about this felt so special. I wanted to meet her so bad but at the same time I was so scared about meeting her, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection. I looked tired. Drained. Like someone sucked the life out of my. Heavy bags under my yes, from not getting enough sleep. I brushed my hair back. Better. At least a lil bit. I checked the time and realized it was already after 5 O`clock. I got no time to waste. Should I really go there? Or was Dr Kane right?

YOU I got ready for my potential date. I  didnt even knew if he would show up but i hoped so. I dressed up in my usual clothes. I wanted to be my authentic self around him. I was already waiting on the spot 30 minutes too early. I just couldnt wait any longer. I needed to know if he would come. I wanted to get to know him so bad.

ARTHUR Alright, I could never forgive myself if i wouldnt take the chance, so I decited to show up. I took a bath to feel fresh, washed my hair and put on some nice clothes. Not the red suit though. I picked dark red pants, a matching vest and a white shirt under it. I hope I looked decent in it and bought some roses before I made my way to the park. I bought them from the last dollars I had but I didnt cared. I wanted to give her some nice flowers. Gotham looked different today while watching out of the trams window. Less dark and depressing. But I guess it was just me feeling better as usual. I just wanted it to be a nice date. I just wanted her to like me for who I am. I got out of the tram, walking into the park. I saw her from a distance already. There was just one person standing at the fountain, so it must have been her. She was so beautiful, I couldnt belive she was waiting FOR ME. My hands holding the roses started to get all sweaty and I wiped them off on my pants. I stumbled right in front of her as I arrived and the flowers fell out of my hands.  "Ooooppps...I`m...I`m so sorry.. I...." my nervousness killed me. She similed at me as I picked up the flowers and handed them to her "I....um....brought you...som..something...um..." I stuttered. She gave me the sweetest hug "Thats so sweet of you...? Um... I don`t even know your name" she was blushing. "Arthur. My name is Arthur." "Hey Arthur. I`m Y/N. Nice to meet you. Thank ou so much for the roses. They`re beautiful". "Yeah... thank you for the notes...I don`t know what to say...you`re beautiful". Y/N smiled from cheek to cheek. "Thank you, Arthur. Would you like to take a walk though the park and get some coffee later? It would be a nice way to get to know each other. What do you think?" "I think this sounds just wonderful". She gently wrapped her arm around my waist as we were walking though the park. It was a late summer evening and for the first time ever I noticed the birds singing. The music in my head stopped. Maybe Gotham wasn`t as bad after all.