#god i REALLY dont wanna go to school tomorrow but i have to.

[bordonfreeman]

I'm built different [chugs coffee (ew) in order to finally pass the fuck out and sleep]

[almost-emerald-eyes]

I don't know what to do with myself during summer break but school sucks too and literally like. what. what do I do. what do I like. do I have hobbies?? yeah, probably, but I haven't done them in so long that I can't anymore.

I haven't had real time to myself in so long that I don't know how to do that anymore

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[angelliicc]

love warning

“la-la-la love warning, warning me so loud

it doesn’t stop, oh its my love”

masterlist

a/n HI GUYSS! this is my first ever fic i’ve wrote so please be nice. (im an editor yall) if yall want requests lmk and ill do it 😛😛 lowkey wanna write about my past crushes. also, the photos are NOTHING about the fic, its just the vibes it gives me the song/album i write about

warnings none

| “remember, you’re picking me up tomorrow”you and ellie have been friends since you can remember. “yes, i know. don’t worry i won’t leave without you.” ellie commented, dropping you off at home. you guys have grown up together, went to the same school, basically anything. you both have seen each other through the good and bad times and seeing your changes. ellie came out to you a few years ago, accepting her with open arms. you’ve been questioning about who you’re attracted to. you know you like girls, but didn’t know what to label yourself. you came out to ellie a few years back, a little after her. she knew immediately before you even told her.

as you walk through the front door, you greeter your family as you’ve been at ellies house. you could’ve been there longer, but your mother wanted you back since it was a school night. you walked to your room, makeup all cakey, clothes slightly dirty, and hair frizzy. immediately, you walked in and plopped on your bed, like you’ve been separated from your room in weeks. night fell, and you dozed off into a deep sleep. forgetting to take off your makeup, shower, or even change.

you woke up the next morning slightly late, rushing to get ready. you realized about your early sleep the previous night by the looks of your face. you showered, put your uniform on, and did your makeup all within a span of 30. you rushed out the door then arrived at school, heading to the café. you opened the door and saw ellie sitting at a table by herself, looking like she has been waiting for you since the minute you got there. “well you’ve had a morning.” she comments seeing you as you sat across from the table. “i woke up late, shut up. what time did you get here?” you asked, since shes been looking bored until you arrived. “around 30 minutes ago, why?” “no reason. what classes do you have today?” you asked her. you and ellie only had 3 out of 7 classes, which was p.e., math, and biology. even tho 3 was a bummer to both of you, it was still better than nothing. “religion, p.e., english and sports med.” even though you played basketball, sports med didn’t really interest you, maybe later it can. you both went your separate ways, off to your classes

the final bell rang and you were the first person out of the building. it was the end of the day and you were looking for ellie. it was hard to notice her, with a bunch of high schoolers running out of a building just to head home, until you saw her auburn hair. “els, im going home with you today.” she rolled her eyes in a sarcastic way. “once again, i remembered.” you both walk together to the student parking lot going to ellies car. “how was class?” you bring up. “ugh, absolute torture. im so tempted to drop out.” she responded miserably. “if you actually drop out i will beat your ass.” “whatever.” you open the back seat, leaving your stuff in the back. before you can even put your hand on the handle, ellie opens the door for you. oh? you think to yourself. it was probably a friendly gesture, dont read into it.

ellie drives you back to her place. god you can never get tired of being with her or going places with her. you both get out the car and head up to your room. “got homework?” she asks curiously, as if she were up to something. “nah, i finished it at school.” “nerd.” “fuck off.” you both laugh and giggle. you go onto her bed, placing your backpack down. you look at ellie, she looks so…so… you can’t even describe it. but the way she looked in that moment. it made your heart flutter. she sat down next to, crossing your legs. “oh, i forgot to ask you this yesterday.” she mentions. “talking to anyone right now?” the question kinda made you felt lonely. you see everyone with their partners doing the lovey dovey shit, feeling like you will never be able to do that. “oh, no.” you commented disappointingly. “you?” you questioned. “no.” she replied without a care. “why so blue?” she notices your change in mood after she asked. “its nothing, trust me.” “hey. look at me.” she cups your chin and brings it up. your eyes lock, never separating. “talk to me.” you were in a gaze, day dreaming. too distracted by the soft touch of her, and the warmth of her hands. her green eyes that she locked yours with.

the small moment felt like an eternity, and you wish you could’ve stayed there forever. you were so lost you couldn’t even form words, until you were slapped back to reality. “oh. um sorry. its just that i feel like i���ll never find love someday, you know?” you rambled. ellie listened to every word you said, not taking her eyes off you. she looked at you, getting closet with every word you said. she looked at your eyes, then to your lips. you looked at her bright reddish-pink lips. you were so close you can feel each and every breath both of you took. your body temperature rose as the tension grew. you both were too lost into the moment, until something overcame ellie. she grabbed your face, and leaned in for a kiss. she was so, sweet. like strawberry kisses. you grabbed her neck, returning the gesture. you felt her body temperature, and your heart was pounding faster and faster. “i don’t think you’ve known how long i wanted to do that for.” she spoke to you. “i’m glad you did. im so deprived of touch.” you shot back. “oh? is that so?” she said, getting even closer than you two were already were.

she pulled you in again, taking her time making sure the kiss was making you feel comfortable, and not so deprived. your hands were at her waist, enjoying every moment of it. “i love you.” she spoke. “i love you too.”

the warning that keeps warning, let it ring.

[gamblersdoll]

Guts takes Nerd's virginity at a wild school party while drunk, Their relationship will change after that for better or worse, write what you find most realistic. :D

tw: dubcon, oral (f), p in v, virginity loss, alcohol for those who aren’t into this kind of setting, this is somewhat new to me as well. please DNI if this isnt your cup of tea

you debated on going, you really did.

parties werent your thing, but you felt drawn to it, to the experience. however, you had absolutely no reason to go. you know, no friends, no reputation, (except for being a nerdaholic,) and no interest in alcohol or anything.

but what if.. he were there? that would be the only reason you would or could go.

damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

the music blasted your ears, practically banging into your eardrums. your couldnt hear anything, yet you heard everyones thoughts. their faces said it all. you didn’t have to hear them.

“she actually came?”

“maybe she thought it was some study group.”

“how much you wanna bet that she leaves in five minutes?”

many faces that you saw. confused, pitiful, disgusted, disappointed. but you stayed to yourself, keeping your head low and just trying to enjoy yourself. the smell of alcohol burned your nose, seeing several spiked punch bowls and the obvious hard liqueur. everyone seemed experienced with the alcohol.

you felt someone bump into you, turning your head and looking at the person responsible.

guts.

he didnt look your way, obviously looking for someone else or something else. it didnt bother you, you were just somewhat happy that he was there. you looked to the punch bowl, deciding that you could relax, yet be safe.

you have never tasted something so strong, obviously someone doesnt know how to evenly measure liqueur and juice together. because you tasted more liqueur than fruit punch. like, only a damn hint.

but you felt so warm in your chest, your tummy, your arms. it was like a warm burn, a comfortable one. you were in a room by yourself, at least. just being able to be at a party counts, right? you honestly dont know why you even came, but for guts…

what the hell are you thinking?

you didnt show up for him, that damn brute.

you took another gulp, immediately swallowing the god awful liquid and feeling that same burn again in your chest.

you were fucked, a lightweight at that. what the hell were you thinking? youre not gonna want to wake up early tomorrow. you couldnt even stand, not like this. you go try to take another sip, but someone slams open the door to the secluded room.

guts peaks his head in, making eye contact with you. “so youre still here. why?” he questions, closing the door and closing the distance between you both.

you reeked of the alcohol, he could smell it on you. “holy shit– are you drunk? i didnt know that the nerd could drink!” he laughs, putting a hand on your shoulder. he’s hysterical.

you look up at him, eyes glossy and puffy, your chest feeling like it’s burning, but somehow you were able to reach up and kiss him. he muffles a protest for a moment, yet, he wraps his arms around you. he greedily shoves his tongue into your mouth, fighting yours, which didnt put much of a battle up.

your back reaches the plush mattress of whoever’s bed this was, but your shorts were thrown off. you laid there, allowing him to touch you in the most intimate way and it all felt like a burning touch. to say you were sensitive was an understatement.

“a nerd having a body like this..” he grumbled, ripping your panties off, “wearing red panties..” he groaned out, his mouth satiated with drool and he dove into your cunt, lapping up at the intoxicated slick of your intoxicating pussy. you moaned out, your body being so sensitive, it felt like each blood cell was in your clit.

you felt like you were seeing stars, your eyes screwed shut and him prying your legs open. he noisily slurped up your juices, you trying to close your legs out of embarrassment. he took his tongue and licked up your clit, to your abdomen, to your tummy, to your breasts, to your lips.

he took himself out of his jeans, stroking himself with slow pumps and crawling on top of you. “relax the most you can. you should know how sex works, right nerd?” he asks, looking down at you.

you nod, “yes..” you say, to the best of your abilities.

he drove the tip of his cock up and down your slit, before sliding himself inside. he groaned, eyes rolling back momentarily and you winced from the stretch. but you were able to relax, thanks to the alcohol.

he thrusted into you, slowly. he did feel something somewhat pop, “guess i popped your cherry, huh nerdhead?” he chuckles, thrusting his hips slower until your hips rested some more. “there you go, fuck you feel good.”

you started to moan out, adjusting to his size and length as he gripped the sheets beneath you. “ ‘could a nerd feel this fuckin’ good?” he questioned, his hips starting to pick up a rhythm. he grips at your hips next, putting his weight into his knees as he pulls his hips back. “take me, take all of me.” he says, each word having their own thrust.

what you suspected was your climax, snapped. and you squeezed on him, eyes fully blown out and you moaned, no, screamed from how nerve wracking your orgasm was. he was better than your fingers, better than a wet dream. you looked down to see his entire abdomen soaked, not really sure what happened.

“youre a fuckin squirter? oh, i see. you’re pretending to be a nerd, but youre some kind of sexual deviant arent you?” he questions and pries, thrusting into your cervix again. he gets close to your ear, dangerously close. he’s breathing on you, heavily. and he’s practically humping his cock into you.

his hips grow erratic, his breathing becoming labored. he pulls himself out, quickly stroking himself to come onto your plush stomach.

he pants out, trying to catch his breath. “how did you get here?”

the drive home was quiet, very, quiet. to your surprise, he drove a smaller car, like a miata. he also was a decent driver, and wasnt even intoxicated at all. he pulls up to your residence, and he unlocks the passenger door. “we’re here.”

you open and close the door, walking around to his side and lean down, poorly. “t’ank you, gus..” you say, walking to your door.

luckily, he waited and watched you until you close the door behind you, then drove off.

[randomprose]

//part 2 of platonic itafushikugi. set after the kyoto goodwill school event//

i. the one where nobara and megumi cope | iii. the one about megumi

now posted on ao3!

Nobara crosses the corridor to the boys’ side of the dormitory and gets a sense of déjà vu when she sees Megumi hovering outside Yuuji’s bedroom.

It’s not a nightly thing—at least not on Nobara’s part. She’s stopped doing that after Yuuji quite literally came back from the dead. Seeing the familiar scene of Megumi waiting outside Yuuji’s door for… something , she can’t say the same thing for him.

Then again they just got back from another mission tonight where Yuuji, once again, had a really close call with death, and Nobara wonders if this is going to be a routine occurrence for them now.

("Why is it always him?" Megumi had grumbled earlier, but they both already knew the answer to that.)

Megumi’s got a pillow tucked under one of his arms and Nobara, clutching a pillow of her own, just sighs as she marches forward. The both of them didn’t bother with blankets because it’s not that cold tonight and Yuuji runs hot enough not to need spares. The boy is practically a walking furnace.

Nobara takes it upon herself to knock and announce they’re coming in because she suspects Megumi has been standing there for quite some time and if he hasn’t bothered to knock by now he never will. He’s probably still debating whether he should. Stupid boy.

“Oi, Itadori. I hope to the gods you’re decent and not at all doing something I dont wanna see ever ‘coz we’re going in.”

The door is unlocked and Nobara opens it before finishing her spiel. Yuuji looks at them in slight surprise from where he’s seated at the edge of his bed. It seems like he just starting to settle for the night. Good timing then.

“Kugisaki? Fushiguro?” Yuuji sounds confused like they haven’t been doing this for some time. “What’s up? Why are you guys—”

“I’m taking the wall this time,” Nobara announces, throwing her pillow at the corner and climbing past Yuuji. “I don’t wanna wake up on the floor like last time.”

“Guess that’ll be me then,” Fushiguro grumbles after her. “You know you’re the one who moves a lot in your sleep, right?”

“Oh! We’re having a sleepover! Cool!” Yuuji cheers, snuggling close to Nobara when Megumi tells him to scoot over and spreads his blanket across the three of them as best he can.

“Fushiguro, seriously. For what purpose do you feel the need to lie?” Lying on her side with her back pushed against the wooden wall, Nobara smirks, enjoying Megumi’s unimpressed stare. “C’mon. Let’s sleep already. I’m dead-ass tired and I need a full eight hours of beauty sleep if we’re gonna deal with Gojo-sensei tomorrow again.”

“Beauty sleep. Right,” Megumi snorts and snickers with Yuuji when Nobara grasps at one of the smaller pillows to hit him with.

“Shut up and turn off the light you sea urchin looking ass.”

Megumi flicks the light off and they mumble their good nights. Yuuji goes under almost immediately as the lights go off, but sleep doesn’t come as quick to Nobara.

Instead, she shifts closer to Yuuji, eliminating whatever little space they have left between them, and reveling in the warmth radiating off him. Her arm is draped over his torso and she focuses on feeling the rise and fall of his abdomen—inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale—and when Nobara’s hand travels up to feel the beating in his chest, she finds that a hand is already resting there, right where Yuuji’s heart rests, alive and pumping against his rib cage. Her fingers brush against long cold digits and when she opens her eyes, he sees Megumi looking at her. 

Nobara stills but doesn’t look away from his expectant eyes. Megumi looks too alert in the dark and right here, the three of them tucked under Yuuji’s flimsy blanket that’s too small to fully cover them all, Nobara sees the open vulnerability in his too green eyes. There’s fear in them, something that doesn’t come as a surprise to her because, well, it was Megumi who got a front-row seat to the gory shitshow after all, but there’s understanding there too.

Images of how fucking messed up Megumi had been in the days following Yuuji’s death and how Nobara had to pick up the pieces flashes through her mind’s eye. He tried his best to hide it, but with only the two of them for a time spending their waking days at the school on missions and training, Nobara was bound to see through the cracks of Megumi’s thin veneer. 

And Nobara is many things but she’s always been true to herself. She doesn’t say it and maybe she wasn’t as devastated as Megumi had been when Yuuji died (Jesus Christ, she wonders if the surreality of that will ever fade), but she’s her friend too and she's learned to care for him in the sparse time they’ve known each other much to her chagrin. Living through one too many life-threatening events tends to do that to people. If nothing else, Jujutsu Tech is really proficient in trauma bonding its students. 

So, Nobara lays her hand on top of Megumi’s, squeezes it once feeling his cracked knuckles underneath her palm, and hopes she conveys the same understanding in the small gesture.

Megumi gets it and he shifts his hand minutely to slot their fingers together, his long calloused ones trapping Nobara’s smaller softer digits in between, and squeezes back.

They fall asleep like that, hand in hand, lulled to calm and sleep by the rhythmic beating of Yuuji’s heart, tucked safe and alive between them.

--

edit: now posted on ao3! also turning this into a 3 chaptered fic centered on each incident about them! next up will be megumi getting hit by hanami's cursed plants.

[sawturn77]

𝑶𝑪𝑬𝑨𝑵 𝑬𝒀𝑬𝑺 (𝒇𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒓𝒐 𝒎𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒎𝒊 𝒙 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓)

02: somebody I used to know.

MASTERLIST.

january 1st, 2018.

----

suguru saved me from the awkward silence and wiggly eyebrows from satoru. "y/n! come help me set up the table, please!" "coming!" i bolted out of there. phew, at least im free from embarrassment now. . once i got in the kitchen, yuji and nobara were arguing about who was going to eat the most food. suguru handed me the utensils that went on the table. i realized hadn't talked to him since i got home. he gently patted my head instead of ruffling my hair like satoru. "how was your visit to the ice rink?" he asked, gently smiling at me. "It was good, until i hit my head and fell on my butt." suguru chuckled at my defeated tone. i started to set the table, placing the chopsticks, spoons, etc in front of every seat. i watch as yuji and nobara approach him, talking to him comfortably. i didnt know they were friends with megumi. he seems like the closed off type, especially now.

----

soon, shoko arrives and everyone eats. i have to admit, my brother sure can cook. im starting to think hes like satoru's malewife..anyways, after everyone finished eating, we had a drawing, and whoever drew the short stick had to wash dishes while everyone else got to play uno. God was NOT favoring me today. there were two short sticks, and guess who got them! me and megumi. FREAKING MEGUMI. you know what? it cant get more awkward than this.... right?

wrong.

here, we stood right beside each other, shoulder touching shoulder, leg touching leg. i wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. the worst part was, he wasn’t even bothered by it! he didn’t even acknowledge it! surely, if i was him, i’d at least be stealing glances! oh, well, maybe he isnt that kind of guy. he was never interested in stuff like that. the two of us stood at the kitchen sink, washing dishes. the entire time, i was wondering how to start a conversation and barely got anything done! megumi had done most of it. now he probably thinks im useless! he’ll never associate himself with someone so unhelpful. “so,” i started, lips trembling. he glances at me. how come his eyelashes are so long? does he use mascara? “how..how have you b-been lately?” i wanted to curse myself. who the hell stutters nowadays!? “alright. what about you?” i could feel my shoulders tensing. i had heard his voice earlier, but now, im really paying attention to it. just thinking about it makes my stomach do axles. “good, actually.” i smiled, desperate to keep myself from squealing. minutes past, he hasnt said anything after that. okay, you dont wanna talk to me, cool. fine. whatever. (squealing) part of me wanted yuji and nobara to come in and start being annoying to break the ice. hell, maybe even satoru would do. after what seemed like decades, we finally finished washing the dishes. i sighed in relief, but i couldnt have a moment of grace before my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. i felt a napkin on my cheek, wiping soap off my face. “sorry,” he muttered. kill. me. please. “you had soap on your face.” i laughed awkwardly while he just looked at me, “really? i-uhm, i didn’t know! thanks.” what the hell, y/n?? what is your problem??

yuji and nobara ran towards me and megumi, bombarding us with a fury of words i didnt understand. something along the lines of, “guess what?? i won against mr. gojo!” “no, kugisaki cheated!” “the hell? i didnt cheat! all of you just suck!” “cheater cheater, pumpkin eater!” “grow up!” megumi frowned at their antics. “idiots” he muttered.

an: hey guys sorry for the short chapter😔i kinda rushed bc i have to gts early bc i have school tmrw. but i will be posting tomorrow or the day after that! it normally takes me two days (4 hours total) to write this much anyway

TAGLIST: @fillmeup6969 @morgyyyyy @kasumitenbaz (OPEN)

[mrsdeliberatecreater]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Okay love. I need you to do something for me. Take 3 deeeeep breaths.

Okay?

I understand you completely. I understand what are going through completely. I'm Indian, so I know how it can be. I got yelled at by my sister for thinking that I might have ADHD. 👀 Its all good now though. I also used to deal with debilitating anxiety two years ago.. I barely left my room, let alone go to school for a master's degree that I chose and got into serious debt for.. I'm not making this about me, but I just want you know that change is possible.

Anytime you start to feel bad, a anxiety attack coming on, I want you to just keep taking calming deep breaths and focus on the now. Focus on the things you see, things you can hear, smell, etc. Its the feeling of "now". Come back to the "now" as many times as needed if you feel negative thoughts. I would affirm, "Everything is okay, everything will be okay", pick an affirmation that feels natural to you, and affirm.

If you like subliminals, I would recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6BKBzVgfk&t=4s This has stopped so many of my anxiety attacks before I learned to let them go..

If not keep doing the breathing exercises. You will find that by repetition this will eventually release the reasons for feeling anxiety in the first place. Take things one day at a time. If it gets bad, ask someone you trust for help.

We alll have doubts. Doubts are fine. As long as you are just focused on the end/wish fulfilled/affirming, you are fine, even with doubts. You don't need to believe with 100% everything till you burst a blood vessel. If you feel like your doubts are overwhelming you, decide that nothing, not even you can stop your desires from manifesting. <3

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you". - Matthew 17:20

If you have the time, I would highly recommend IlluminatingJoy on youtube, especially her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT2xyCcoues&t=1727s

She has a really good grasp on manifestation and explains everything so well and accommodates it to fit our "logic", while completely validating human emotions. The exercise she does in this video is so so simple but seriously effective. I catch myself slipping at least once a day that would have spiraled if I hadn't done the exercise.

Also if you want to do this in a day, I want you to focus on your mental diet. Affirm affirm affirm.

If negative thoughts come up, you breathe and think "I can relax, I got all A's". Anything in the 3D reminds you think, "I can relax, I got what I wanted. Your family being mean to you? remember how in class after lunch, your teacher is talking but you're thinking about something else.

Also speaking of that, I know you said you can't your images clearly. That's fine. Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

My visualizations are never clear and I manifest everything I imagine all the time. They all have that "vignette" effect lol..

Imagination can be a picture, it can be a smell, a touch, a voice, just how someone's clothes smell when they are standing really close to you like in an elevator. Like you can specifically smell it but you KNOW what I'm talking about right?

Your loved ones in your face? Use it YOUR ADVANTAGE. I used to hear my sister compliment me, it was easy to hear her voice. I primarily used her voice to fix our relationship. Cannot for the life of me picture her face properly but thats FINE.

You can use ANY of the senses, just one or two or all. Hear your family saying things you want in your mind. Hear them congratulating you, compliment you.

You can slowly work this into all the other aspects of your life...

By the way, you aren't lost and empty. You are a very caring person, you want to do things so that you don't let your family down, in spite of how they treat you. That to me is a genuinely caring person.

But you need to apply that same care to yourself. You don't need me to be harsh to you, YOU don't need to be harsh to you. You are working so hard to find answers but you ARE the answer. Its okay. Please just rest. Its all yours. Be more soft to yourself, be more kind to yourself, compliment yourself, you will start to see that kindness reflected in the 3D as well.

I have given you a lot of options here so you can pick and choose what makes YOU feel better so that YOU can focus on SELF because

Nothing to change but self

Reach out to me as many times as you would like, you could never bother me.

Nya 🌺

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

[the-6th-harbringer]

PLEASE READ

Hey. So. It's been a. while.

trigger warning: referenced suicide

So, if you haven't noticed, I literally evaporated for two weeks straight without any clarification on why or sign of actually being alive, unlike my last two week disappearance. Unfortunately, this unexpected evaporation does not come with a big "ooh more trauma more lore and angst for scara" thing.

This just happens to be my goodbye post.

I know, it's weird and kind of rude for me to dip for two weeks and then reappear like "hey fuckers im QUITTING hAHaA". Buuuut not only was my dad being annoying and hogging my laptop, I also barely have had time to myself for the past weeks. New family members have been introduced into my life, so now I have double the amount of little siblings to look after. (from 3 to 6. dont ask "how" thats a personal thing). juggling that with school, social stuff, fucking exams which are coming up in 3 months of my gOD, and other even more personal demons that I've been battling, its been. a lot.

SO, to make sure I do not pull the same move as Scaramouche did on the last day of his sakurarealm torture(iykyk), I'm taking a leave from tumblr. Don't know how long I'll be gone, don't know if I'll ever be back, but I didn't just wanna quit without at least telling you guys so you don't think I've been murdered or something.

On a more serious note, thank you all for all of the support and love you've given Scara and all my other blogs. While some of you are a handful, the majority of you are actually the sweetest and silliest community of people I've ever known. I hope you all have excellent lives.

Now, as for what happens to Scara, we're shoving him in another coma. which is entirely at the mercy of Wanderer's mod, because they're my friend outside of tumblr too and i trust that they'll use this as a major angst moment. Put an F for Cyrille and Scara guys

NOW: a few honorable mentions and thank yous:

@wandering-hat-guy : im not writing a goodbye type thing for you because i will literally talk to you tomorrow, but thank you for being an awesome brother-sibling figure. you are the wanderer to my scara :]

@an-active-rabbit : Thank you for being an extremely fun person to rp with. The puppets and the heart is a rp that wont leave my mind for a while yet. Many hugs for you! And I wont be forgetting Mikaven anytime soon >:3

@cyrille-leclair-de-fontaine : AUGH budddyyy im sorry to do this to you. But thank you for creating Cyrille in the first place. Cyscara my beloveds, they will always hold a place in my heart. Maybe one day they'll actually get somewhere. Im also willing to be your friend outside of tumblr if you wish because you're cool >:D

@dishonxsty : For also being a goofy little goober. My favorite rp with you was definitely the ouppy's and scara, and also kudos to you for making like 17 bajillion blogs and being able to manage them all at once somehow like???? go king go

Annnd @monsieur-neuvillette , who seems random because I havent rped with them in literally a century, but thank you for being the one to indirectly help me get over my fears of starting a rp blog AND being the inspo for me to start rping on tumblr in the first place. hugs for you too

Well, alls said that's been said, so I think I'll just end it off here, because it's been like 10 minutes since I started typing this and I am eepy.

Goodbye everyone except wandermod, and thank you for sticking with me through Scara's really out of pocket journey.

(PS: Rest in peace @the-tainted-blossom . I miss you everyday.)

[causenessus]

HELLO!! okay lowkey i feel like we talk more through your inbox than we do in dms so im just gonna start ALWAYS talking here 🙂‍↕️ idk tumblr dms just don't work or something so GOOD AFTERNOON!! I HOPE YOURE GETTING A TON OF REST NESS bc tomorrow... we have to go back... sigh. and i have picture day tomorrow so i probably need to make myself look presentable ykwim?? 😞

but like about that friend i yapped about HIGHKEY SHE IS NOT IT YOURE RIGHT!!!! i think what makes it worse is whenever she thinks theres an issue between her and me and she goes to literally everyone but me about it to try to get other people to validate her?? FUNNIEST THING EVER because usually people side w me too pls 💔 like they'll defend me, and the people usually tell me when she starts yapping about it to them so like... just wondering why she feels the need to tell everyone in the world about what i apparently did wrong ⁉️ live laugh love i suppose... AND IF YOU EVER WANNA HEAR ABOUT STUFF THAT SHES DONE TO ME I LITERALLY HAVE STORIES FOR DAYS

ALSO!!!! IM SO EXCITED IM FINALLY GONNA GET MY DRIVER'S PERMIT AND START DRIVERS ED AAAA like ive been waiting for ages!!!! i had to like save up and stuff so it took a bit CAUSE WHY IS IT LIKE 400 DOLLARS IF YOU DONT TAKE IT THROUGH THE SCHOOL LIKE PLEASE 💔

its been days and the try again playlist is literally the only thing pulling me through... ness im forever grateful for the existence of this playlist‼️try again isnt even finished but like NESS i would marry it if i could i think i think about it even more than love notes omf 😭 i need yn as my therapist NOWWW!!! AND ADDING ONTO THAT, TONICS LOOKS SO AMAZING SO FAR OH MY GOD?? LIKE ALL THE DETAILS AND THE GRAPHIC DESIGN FOR ARTIST PROFILES AND EVERYTHING UGHH IM SO EXCITED

okay another thing, i think i told you about a phone vault before cause like my school was really talking it up... it was the stupid pocket thing on the wall. they're out there calling it a phone vault GOODBYE 😭 anyway ive given up on paying full attention in class and have reverted back to wearing and airpod in class so i can listen to music (the SOLE reason why i have airpods is bc they were a christmas gift i dont have enough money to buy those on my own 🫡)

ANYWAY I HOPE YOURE HAVING AN AMAZING DAY LOVE!! MAKE SURE YOU EAT, DRINK WATER, AND TAKE YOUR MEDS LATER!! <33 ILY

HELLO SAV!! AND PLEASE TALK WHEREVER U WANT!! I WILL RESPOND WHEREVER <3 and omg good luck with picture day!! 😭 literally those pics never turn out good like they PURPOSELY WANT ME TO LOOK BAD they're always like "no no!! push your hair out of your face behind your shoulder so we can really see how much of an egg you look like!!" but i'm wishing you the best of luck and that your picture turns out well 😔

and also HELLO??? I'M SO GLAD EVERYONE TAKES YOUR SIDE BC LIKE,, THAT'S JUST EMBARASSING FOR HER 😭 I HOPE SHE TAKES IT AS A SIGN AND REALIZES LIKE...maybe she's in the wrong...or maybe she should go to you and sort it out with you!! instead of just complaining about it to others!!

AND AA YAY GOOD FOR YOU!! it's def expensive but so so worth it in the end 😭😭 i remember for me (idk if every state does this!!) but i actually did my lessons when i was like 16 1/2 (for many reasons we won't get into 😔) but anyway!! in my state or at least at the drivers ed school i went to if you were that age they'd allow you to do this thing where basically they just threw all the information you'd learn over the course of the week (or however long all the drivers ed courses are) in one night crash course style!! and then u take the permit test at the end of it and then u get ur permit!! and although i felt a little behind everyone else bc i didn't start drivers ed immediately yk i was kind of glad i got it all done in one night!! and like you learn all the info and then IMMEDIATELY take a test on it so it was kind of easy!! but best of luck to u!! i hope it all goes well <3

AND AA THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I'M SO GLAD YOU LOVE THE TRY AGAIN PLAYLIST!! i always listen to it in the morning when i'm still waking up and then will switch to the tonics playlist when i'm more awake LMAOO BUT YES!! DW i think now that i've gotten tonics intros out of the way i'm gonna work on try again while trying to outline tonics!!

BUT HELLO THE "PHONE VAULT" BUT BEING THE SHOE HANGER THING?? MAN THAT IS NOT A VAULT 😭 THE WAY SCHOOLS ARE OUT HERE COMING OUT WITH THE CRAZIEST NAMES EVER JUST SO THAT IT LIKE FITS THE AESTHETIC OF THEIR SCHOOL OR WHATEVER IS CRAZY but yes!! i think my wireless earbuds were also a christmas gift or something and then during this one play during high school that was literally the bane of my existence (and also simultaneously the best play i ever did) i NOT ONLY lost my earbuds but i ALSO bit my phone on accident and then broke the screen so like...i sacrificed blood sweat and tears for that play frfr (i also bled all over the set after cutting my finger on accident so i mean it...) so i had to buy myself another pair after that bc my mom was sick of me 😭😭 but they were like an off brand pair and tbh they're better than like samsung buds!! (what i have to use bc i'm not an apple user </3) so honestly it worked out in the end!!

BUT I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY AS WELL!! THANK YOU SO MUCH SAV <3 HAVE A LOVELY DAY AND REST LOTS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

[n3hmof1sh]

rrrraAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! going bird mode im gonna start screeching

wwwwhfhdlkfjvkjh ii i wanna tear myself apart limb by limb like a doll. everything feels like too much everything feels WRONG I WANT IT GONE GONE GONE GET OFFFFFFFFFFFFF

ough the urge to pull my head off of my neck and jus. just get it offfff just get everything OFF!!! im not gonna do it obv but god if it wasnt painful and didnt kill me i would do it immediately. i wish i had the anatomy of a doll or robot or smth i really just wanna pick myself apart without pain or bleeding or wtv it'd feel good

and i am CHOPPING MY FOOT OFF!! IN THE SAME WAY!!! I AM PULLING IT OFF PAINLESSLY SO I DONT FEEL IT HURTING ANYMOREEE GET OFFFFFF >:(

Duuude I have to fucking go back to school on monday ofc bc school started and i can barely walk on this foot so if it doesnt heal by monday (literally in 2 days) im gonna kmsssssss (/nsrs on the kms part)

oou now that im thinking ab it i really wanna stab myself in the stomach... with a knife... like thats an urge i get a lot. I wont bc it hurts !! and would kill me !! but idk i just rlly wish i could do it without pain or risk of death bc gawd damn it'd be nice. idk i think it's smth ab the pressure of the knife going through my skin or wtv the thought of it would be rlly nice i just dont want the pain that comes with it :'3

why is the thought of harming my body smth i want so bad yet i dont want it due to it being painful like. i think there's smth wrong with my brain or smth ._.''

ANYWAY I WANT TO TEAR MYSELF TO SHREDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS repeating myself for the 200th time i genuinely rlly wish i could just. bite and claw and scratch and stab and tear and cut and snap and break and pull apart my body without pain, like i can just put myself back together like a robot or smth.... guh maybe its smth with my sensory issues idk

mmmph. obv none of that is anything i can do irl (again for the reason of Pain and Death) but something i WOULD actually be able to do that i'd want in order to fix it is to fUCKING SWITCH WITH SOMEONE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I JUST WANT OUT OF THIS BODY. THIS BODY FEELS WRONG WRONG WRONGGG I WANT OUT LEMME OUT. CANT SOMEONE TAKE OVER FOR LIKE A FEW HOURS??? NO APPARENTLY NOT BC OUR FUCKASS BRAIN BE LIKE NUH UH SWITCHES ARENT AVALIABLE FOR THIS SYSTEM COME BACK NEXT WEEK

dies dies dying dies i wanna suffocate myselfffffffff /nsrs

slams head on desk

ok im done now

Hbabshe that sounds like a lot to deal with...

I get these feelings a LOT so you're definitely not alone!! I... uh.... I for once dont have advice on how to ease these feelings other than stuff that includes pain, so...

But you know what? Are you able to draw? If so, try vent art!!! I find that listening to music that suits how I feel at the moment while drawing one of my blorbos going through something worse then meeee (I will not name which Blorbo but honestly you probs already know)

Honestly, this feeling is going to come down and ambush you at least TWICE in your life, so it's best to make sure you have something to distract yourself from it to make it better!!!!!

Ahahegshs I dont exactly know how to help you with the switching fronts part since, well, yknow, Im not a perma front-stuck host........ but you're going to be okay, Wayko!!! Think of when you're older!! All the stuff you can do and how you can make yourself ten times comfortable in your skin!!!! You'll be able to get top surgery!!! You'll be able to do so much once your old enough!!!! You got this Wayko!!!!!!!!!!! Everything is going to be okay, whether it's tomorrow or the next year, it's gonna turn out okay one way or another!!!!

[ellezem]

I used to do this a lot on ever skies, sooo

Pick a playlist and I’ll give you a random song!

Creepy songs to sing in a stairwell

(For that one stairwell siren on TikTok)

Multiple day therapy

(All my playlists mixed together)

I DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW I CANT STUDY THINKING ABOUT YOU

(My lovey dovey playlist)

“Then again, there wasn’t exactly a word for Boris and me”

(Boreo playlist)

Hahahahahah

(Asexual playlist)

Mmmmmmmm

(Songs that make me feel like I’m drowning)

LEAVE ME ALONE THEY SLAP

(Video game inspired songs)

I’m in my mentally ill alternative bestie vibes only era

(Should speak for itself)

Musicalssss

(Should also speak for itself)

POV:you think like tori spring

(Solitaire playlist)

Little gay pirates

(Our Flag Means Death playlist)

Old songs that make me want to cry tears of happiness

(Really good old songs)

NEIL GAIMAN YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON

(Good omens playlist)

The song of Achilles

(TSOA playlist)

Love you

(Self love playlist)

Mitaki is a god

(She is)

Songs to scream to in the car

(Screamable songs)

The noble house of black

(Marauders✌️)

TV girl is so

(TV girl)

✨💫Starchaser⭐️🔭

(Marauders again lol)

Why does no one like classical music :(

(Classical)

🌙Wolfstar⭐️

(Marauders AGAIN)

You think you have the right?

(Feminine rage)

Glee🎶🎼🎵🎤

(Glee covers)

Conan gray⭐️💋

(Literally all Conan songs)

🥀RoseKiller <3

(Marauderererers lol)

Girl in red for the Queers

(Girl in red)

Fan songs

(Dsmp fan songs, they have a lot of drama right now but CG5 and derivakat will save me)

⬇️

(Depression in playlist form)

ANARCHY

(Anarcho punk)

🌹dorlene 🥀

(Oh god more marauders)

Not English :)

(None of these songs are In English lol)

Yummy burnout

(It’s giving gifted kid burnout)

AHHHHHHHH

(Rock/punk/screamo)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[localgardenweed]

About to lose my shit over my shitty Algebra teacher cause i think he’s the devil incarnate cause he doesn’t respect kid’s 504 plans, there is this kid who may not always show up to class on time for some reason im not sure why but they try their best to catch up and work hard and they asked to send over and take the recent test they missed in a certain classroom and he was like “No you cant, you have to show up tomorrow in here to take it” when literally in their 504 plan says they can take it in that room no one can force them to take it in their classroom, but DOES HE CARE??? NOOOOOO. I think he was just trying to be tough or smth god knows what cause he has a huge ass power complex like dear god dude we get it you were a army guy but is yelling at teens really what you wanna do to feel that high of power again?? The kid then complained to the school and he got a ass whooping but sadly not fired and then the next day was pissed as hell and took it out on all of us 😍

he doesn’t care to actually help students at all, he just gives up on them if they don’t understand the first or barely the second time and tells em to basically fuck off and find someone else to explain it and i get it teaching is hard you might not be able to get everyone to understand BUT ITS LITERALLY HIS GO TO RESPONSE WHEN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND SMTH IN HIS SHITTY RAPID FIRE EXPLANATION WHEN HE JUST JUMPS FROM THING TO THING WITH NO VISUAL OR EVEN SENSE CAUSE WTF HOW DID YOU GET THAT ANSWER HELLO?? SLOW DOWN?? We were going over the study guide and he started doing a question and then realized half way it was “too hard” to do on the board so he gave up and kept going to the next question and a kid at my table who didn’t do that part pf the study guide cause they dont know how asked “Can you go over that please i don’t understand it” and his response was “im not going over it just to fill it in” and the kid said “im not asking to just fill it in im asking cause I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT” and guess what. HE DIDNT DO IT HE JUST IGNORED THEM AND KEPT GOING. YOUR STUDENT IS ASKING FOR HELP AND YOU AINT DOING SHIT. HELLO??? AND THIS ISNT THE FIRST TOME HE ALWAYS PULL THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME, GOD FORBID YOU ASK A QUESTION MORE THAN ONCE THATS TOK SCARY AAAHHHHH.

I hope all his classes fails and they fire his ass cause omg there has never been anything positive said about this man that isn’t from favorites/people who already are godly at math. The average student who’s had him HATES HIM.

Im really debating like cussing him out Thursday after my final cause i cant just walk away and act like it was a okay class no he needs to get fucking humbled at least see what he does is harmful and shitty and douchey. I dont care if i get in trouble im not gonna go down like this so many kids in that class have struggled cause of his ass not doing his job. And sure some of there are rowdy and sure some are a bit off task but that doesn’t give you the right to abandon them. If i ever kicked my own bucket he would be 5 of my 13 reasons why.

[lightyearssurrogatedaddy]

magine crying and you wanna tell one of your friends why uou're crying because you want a bit of comfort. But you're afraid of coming in at a bad time like that one time and feeling so guilty about it because they're going through something worse and you cant you CANT talk to anyone because youre afraid everyone else wonfmt get it or wont pay you any attention but you wanan talk to SOMEONE about how youre feeling but you CANT cus even if you were allowed to and didnt have any fear youd still say absolutely nothing.

Oooohhhh i dont wanna b a bother to anyone theyre all going through shit absolute garbage and i know they say it doesnt take energy to care about me i STIL dont wanna bothr them because what if i catch them at a rrally really really bad time or what if i text someome and they dont have an answer and ignore me and the next time they text theyre gunna skip over what i told them and theyre gunna talk.about something else else.

I want a hug hug i want aomeone to tell me its okay but thats way too much to ask from them i dont wanna be a bother i dont wanna be a worry but i kust talked to my therapist today after a month of not being able to chat and we had to do it over phone while my mom was nearby cus we live in the small ass bus and i cant ask her to go outside cus its 11 degrees and i feel like i didnt say enough and now i just really really want a someone but no i dont wanna bother them its late and theres scjool tomorrow and school sucks and i dont want them feeling like they need to cater to my stupid ass.

Im sorry im so so sorry theyre gunna read this sometime and say soemthing really nice but im not gunna read the message for five hours and maybe ill try avoiding it alltogether cus i dont know i dont know why cant you be mean like i expect you to why cant you yell and curse at me like i expect you to why are you so NICE to me.???? Nono i know why but why man. Why in a rhetorical sense. Why in the how do you have the fucking energy for me.

Im sorry. Im done crying. Oh god man its fine i got my favorite stuffed animal and everything

I want a hug can you give me a hug please. I feel so selfish and cruel. Im so scared youre gunna turn on me one day because nobody can be that genuine. Aint nobody in the fucking world who can be this sweet and silly. Im so waiting im so worried i dont ever want that to happen but i feel like it really might even though i know it wont. Why have you never let uour anger out on me even when i deserved it. Im sorry i didnt want to text about this im just hoping this post will stay buried, cus maybe it comforts me knowing it exists and could be discovered by you, but theres the happy chance you never ever see this and i get to not talk about it ever again. My wonderful schrodingers cat is such a comfort to me because then i dont have to worry about an outcome that im positive will happen. I love my maybes.