#god fuckin speed dudes

[ehh-is-the-name]

iii18 comments thoughts and sobbings

just saw the ep and uhhh yeah just wanna say the inevitable spoilers are under the cut

UM

UHHH

GUYS WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK I'M GONNA VOMIT-

My organs are failing.

Ok... lemmie just go backwards 'cause those last 5 mins were FUCKING INSANE.

First things first:

That spring is gonna have another thing coming to them. He's gonna face a fate worse than death. I will make sure of it.

Also funny thing,

If I had a nickel for every time I saw a host tried to lengthen their show in questionable ways I'd have 2 nickels!

Less funny,

WHAT THE FUCK DIVORCE AGAIN???? Was the nickloon divorces not enough? Did we just have to end on slivercandle divorce..? :not-like-this-emote: Actual sobbing.

And... uh.... idk if I should even hint at this but uh...

Let's just say if you were around these parts in 2018-2020, there's- actually, If you know you know... I will say thought that I though the first couple frames of the gif was a tail before... you know. AND (although not in the gif) Mephone does say "Did he find me?!" and I'm insane about meeple so I have to mention that.

And after he was just opening up too.

Although this is just turning into mephone commentary, I don't apologize.

Like I knew this ep was gonna be a lot from this,

But like, that did not prepare me for all of the above. Sure, them all airing out his dirty laundry but looks on his face... Just- the way he tries to push it away, the way he planned to continue it all... Reminds me of a guy, but I'm to lazy to do an overlay again. The lantern's up top.

And to end on not a mephone note,

DR FIZZ?? DR FIZZ IS IN KAHOOTS?!??!? I mean it make sense why, but I feel betrayed for literally no reason either way. The hypocratic oath part was funny tho.

What an episode. I am having organ failure because of it, but man, What an episode.

[sleepy-steve]

🧠🪱 Wiggly Wednesday Thursday 🧠 🪱

thank you for tagging me @stervrucht 🖤

no pressure tags: @frankenstein-ate-my-left-shoe @stevesbipanic and of course anyone else that would like to ♡

thinking about Steve and Eddie who, after going through rounds of physical therapy after everything, continue to work out together because Steve obviously loves it and loves having a friend to work out with. and Eddie notices the difference in his stamina when he gets back to performing on stage. (and if Eddie likes to watch Steve work out a little bit, and likes Steve coming over to help his form more than a little bit, well that’s his business.) but Steve takes a dance class and shakes up his usual warmup, leaving Eddie with some… thoughts.

***

“Okay, Munson,” Steve says, pulling his arm across his body for a shoulder stretch. “You ready?”

“Ready to be tortured? Always,” Eddie jokes. It was their thing. Eddie acts like he hates being there, but he still shows up every other day to their local gym in Indianapolis. And he won’t ever deny the benefits he’s noticed since starting their exercise regime. He's faster on stage, doesn't get winded near as easily, holding those screaming notes without feeling like his lungs will explode. Little did he know that today his joke would come to be true.

Steve liked most kinds of exercise. He was a sporty guy. He liked the pull and stretch of his muscles, the feeling of accomplishment after achieving a new goal, that delicious soreness the day after a really good workout. But mostly he loved trying new things. He’d give anything half a chance if he thought it might be fun. Which is how he ended up at a dance-aerobics class the week prior, finding himself having a lot of fun, blushing furiously when the women in the class complimented how quickly he picks up the steps.

He went back three more times that week. Part of his enjoyment came from the new warmup he was taught in the class. Steve’s usual warmup consisted of basic stretches and a light jog, covering all bases to ensure he didn’t get injured, but not very exciting.

This, however, was far more enjoyable. Steve found himself sinking deep into stretches he didn't know he had flexibility for, and moving his hips to a beat, ultimately just having way more fun with the warmup. And it was about to become a huge problem for Eddie.

Steve pops his headphones over his ears, the tape deck tucked securely in his shorts pocket. He bends over, inhaling deeply as the song starts, rising up with his hands overhead, exhaling as he rolls his wrists, hips moving side to side with the beat. His already short cropped t-shirt rises, showing off a good amount of his chest. He lets his arms come down, bending over again, feeling the pull in his hamstrings. Gripping his elbows, he lets the top half of his body hang, swinging from side to side, his hamstrings fully stretched out.

Eddie looks up from his own basic stretching, shocked to see Steve fully bent over, because hey, since when was he so flexible? With Metallica blaring through his own headphones, Eddie just stares, completely forgetting where he was at in his warmup.

Steve lets his hands drop, moving to one foot, back to the centre, then the other foot. Ass just up in the air, his shorts way too tight. Eddie swallows. He’d been denying his crush for months at this point, and good god this was not helping.

Rolling his shoulders as he stands up, Steve lets his hands travel down his bare thighs, sinking into a squat with his back arched and head tilted back. Eddie's eyes are wide as he watches those tight little shorts with the little cut-ins on the sides ride up, showing far more of Steve's glorious hairy thighs than Eddie can handle. Steve drops his head forward, hunching his shoulders as he moves back to standing. He repeats the motions, and Eddie wishes he had the strength to pull his stare away from Steve's ass.

Seeing Steve's head tilted back and his back arched is sending Eddie insane. Like, he geninely thinks he might evaporate on the spot if he keeps watching. But he just can't look away.

Turning himself sideways, Steve has one foot stepped out in front of the other, legs perfectly straightened into a triangle shape, bent over his front leg. Just when Eddie thinks he’s about to get up and end his suffering, Steve lowers himself down into a lunge. His little shorts definitely way too small and tight for the movement, Steve lunges back and forth, fingertips resting on the ground on either side of his front foot. Eddie watches as the t-shirt rides up with each lunge, the desire to get his lips and tongue all over Steve's chest overwhelming him.

Shaking himself, Eddie tries to remember which shoulder stretch he was up to. He attempts something close to a stretch, but he can’t be sure he's doing it right, because Steve has lowered himself to the ground, front leg bent and back leg perfectly straight, and is fucking thrusting into the ground. If he were to ask Steve, he’d find out this was a hip flexor stretch. But Eddie’s forgotten how to form words entirely, suddenly imagining nineteen different ways he wants to get dicked down by the man before him.

Eddie suffers in silence, heart racing in his chest, watching as Steve repeats the movements on his other side. He prays that the torture ends soon, that they can just get to the workout, and Eddie can go back to pretending he doesn't want to ride Steve until his thighs give out. But Eddie gets no such luck.

Steve has moved into some kind of triangle position, hands on the ground, legs straight, and of fucking course, his ass in the air. Eddie marvels at how straight the shape is, only for a moment, because then Steve is lifting his heels up and down in turn, and jesus christ those tiny little shorts are just riding up, and Eddie can see a hint of Steve's ass peeking out. His jaw drops. He may actually explode.

Just when Eddie's thinking he can't take much more of this, Steve lowers himself down, knees spread wide, arms stretched out in front of him and head tucked down. A wild and rushed series of thoughts fly across Eddie's mind, all centred around Steve kneeling down in front of him. Eddie needs to get it together quickly.

As Steve brings himself back up to the triangle position, walking his feet to meet his hands and rolling his spine up, shoulders and head rolling back last, he sees Eddie taking off for his warmup jog. Assuming that he probably just took too long with his new warmup, Steve shrugs it off and starts his jog shortly after.

Eddie hits his personal best in several weights that day, desperately trying to expend his excess energy in some way. He barely registers the wins, mind still stuck on Steve and his perfect ass in all those new positions. He almost dissolves on the spot when Steve claps him on the shoulder in congratuations.

At the end of their session, Eddie takes a freezing cold shower and prays for the sweet release of death.

[zamalie]

this one manager at my work is like determined to get everyone to hate her

[loveinhawkins]

The RV careens out of the trailer park and hits the open road with what pretty much amounts to ‘all speed, no grace.’ The turn Steve makes is, quite frankly, abysmal; he’s sure that if his driving instructor could see him now, the poor man would be weeping in distress.

Yet his passengers erupt into cheers as they pass the Leaving Hawkins sign, like he’s pulled some kind of James Bond move.

And, for all his insistence on being the absolute antithesis to so-called ‘jock culture’, Eddie rushes over to the driver’s seat, starts squeezing Steve’s shoulder with decidedly jock-like exuberance.

“Holy shit, holy shit, that was so fucking cool, Harrington.”

Oh, he’s definitely broken through the depression stage of the ‘finding out there’s an alternate dimension in Hawkins’ journey—landing firmly in the fuck it, might as well have some fun stage.

Steve could tell they’d reached that point even before the goddamn ‘big boy’ comment, when Eddie had taken one look at the Michael Myers mask, looked Max dead in the eye and said, “This is gonna be. So fuckin’ stupid. Let’s do it.”

Steve goes through a few seconds more of having his shoulder pummelled before saying, “Dude, you’re doing a shitty job at being undercover, stay down.”

“Like, do you have any idea,” Eddie says breathily, as if Steve hasn’t spoken, “just how perfect that was? That was, God, a childhood dream fully—”

“You dreamed of stealing an RV?” Steve says dubiously.

“Not in such crude literal terms, no. C’mon, Harrington, you must’ve had an imagination once—”

“Hey!”

“—didn’t you ever dream of, like, daring escapes, pulling the sword outta the stone, all that shit?”

Steve thinks about it. “I mean,” he says, “when I was a kid, I just kinda… climbed trees and stuff.”

Eddie sighs as if he can’t decide whether Steve’s done something especially annoying or endearing. “Of course you did.”

They reach a stop sign and Eddie finally flops into the passenger seat, facing Steve like he’s sitting side saddle on a horse.

“So,” Steve says, “I take a right after this, yeah?”

“Mm-hmm, well remembered, Mr Getaway Driver.”

Steve scoffs, glances over—finds Eddie framing him with his index finger and thumb, like a director trying to capture the perfect shot.

“James Dean,” Eddie says authoritatively, dropping his hands.

“What?”

“Was tryin’ to figure it out, your whole look, you know? Very Rebel Without a Cause.”

“Okay,” Steve says, “but I have a cause, we all do.”

Eddie just blinks at him, and Steve chuckles.

“You, idiot.”

“Oh.”

Steve has a moment to appreciate the way Eddie’s eyes go all soft and maybe just a little shiny, before he has to set off again. He takes the right turning.

“We should watch it,” Eddie says eventually. “Hell, I’ll take any movie. Just gimme, like, two hours of not having to think.”

“Tell me about it.”

Steve’s sure he’ll never complain about double VHS tapes ever again. Then a thought occurs to him.

“Shit.” He calls to the back. “Rob?”

“Yeah?”

“Y’know when we left Family Video, did we even lock up?”

“Yes,” Robin says followed immediately by, “No?”

Steve snorts. “God, we’re so fired.”

He hears Robin making her way up to the front, then Eddie saying, “Oof, Buckley, that was right in the ribs.”

“Why the sudden concern about our jobs, dingus?”

“I’m not concerned, I just got reminded of—Eddie was mentioning—”

“—Rebel Without a Cause,” Eddie finishes.

“Oh, Steve, I know you’ve seen it, I put it on last week!”

“Uh, maybe I was preoccupied doing, I dunno, my job.”

“It’s the one with—”

“James Dean,” Eddie cuts in.

“Yeah, I gathered, thanks,” Steve says sarcastically, but he can’t help smiling as he does so.

“—and it’s, you know,” Robin goes on, “troubled kid moves to a new town, and—”

“Aw,” Steve says, “you think I’m troubled, Munson?”

“It’s all in the eyes, Harrington. Such depths.”

“Right?” Robin says, and she’s laughing, tongue-in-cheek, “I’ve always said so.”

“You ever considered wearing a leather jacket?”

Steve laughs, too. “Tell ya what, Eddie, why don’t I just wear all your clothes?”

“Well, we know denim suits you.”

“If only you saw his last car-stealing outfit, Eddie.”

Steve sighs. “Robin, shut it.”

“Excuse me,” Eddie says, “d’you have form, Harrington? Grand theft auto form?”

“Literally once. Crazy circumstances.” Rest in peace, Todfather. “It was a Cadillac.”

“A Cadillac.” Eddie sighs dreamily. “Do you have any photos?”

“Uh, no, I was kinda busy.”

“I shall mourn the loss.”

“Take the next left here,” Nancy calls, which Steve is grateful for—the directions had gone completely out of his head.

“Wheeler, come up to the front,” Eddie says, “it’s a party.”

She must do, because her voice sounds much closer when she says, “Shit, I think I forgot to lock up, too.”

“Don’t worry,” Steve says, “no-one’s gonna ransack The Weekly Streak.”

Another stop sign—Steve looks over, smirks at how Eddie has ended up squished between Nancy and Robin, all of them sharing the one seat.

“They better not.” To Eddie, Nancy adds, “I think I gave your uncle the impression that I’m doing a big piece on you. Like, testimonials for an innocent man, stuff like that.”

For a flicker of a second, Eddie looks nauseated at the thought—Steve spots the shift, the decision to make a joke about it.

“Well, Wheeler, you better make me sound good.”

“Oh, I was going more for journalistic integrity.”

“Hey.”

Steve hears a couple of thumps behind him; without even glancing in the mirror, he says, “Sit your asses down, shitheads, don’t make me turn this thing around.”

“Don’t make me turn this thing around!” Lucas parrots.

Max scoffs playfully: “Nineteen going on forty.”

“Eddie was standing before!” Erica points out.

Steve rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well, Eddie’s a law unto himself. Look, just sit down and, like, make a list or something, I’ll stop off for food after we’ve—”

Dustin laughs. “You really are forty.”

“Uh-huh, one more wisecrack and you’re not getting any chocolate pudding.”

Steve’s hamming it up, he knows he is—smiles to himself as he hears a quartet of giggles.

“Can you believe they used to think I was cool?” he says.

“I dunno, Harrington,” Eddie says warmly, “at least one of them doth protest too much.”

Nancy stands in search of a pen, Robin following, insisting to Dustin that, “We’re getting one of those camp stoves, if I don’t eat something hot soon, I’m gonna die.”

“Yeah,” Steve says. Maybe it’s because they’ll soon be arriving at The War Zone; his levity slips just a little when he says, “It’s probably, like, a proximity thing. Henderson’ll have a scientific term for it.”

Eddie chuckles. “What, the Steve Harrington effect?”

Steve shrugs. “You get too close, the shine wears off eventually.”

He doesn’t realise until he’s said it that the joking, perhaps, has stopped somewhere along the way.

“Huh,” Eddie says. “I’m no scientist, but that doesn’t sound like the Steve Harrington effect to me.”

“No?” Steve says.

He can see the parking lot in the distance, and he gestures for Eddie to duck.

“Nope,” Eddie says. Steve can hear him moving, crouching to hide behind the driver’s seat.

He parks and everyone’s abruptly all business, deciding who’s staying in the RV, who’s going into The War Zone.

Steve hates it, has a sudden intense longing to keep talking about movies, to just be stupid.

And maybe Eddie can tell, because just before Steve heads out, he catches his eye, smiles.

“Hey, don’t worry, Harrington,” he says with a tiny, fleeting wink. “You’re still my leading man.”

[synamartia]

☁ Tattoo { Adam x Afab!Reader } ☁ Content Warnings: Explicit ; 18+ Only ; MDNI ; Porn without plot ; Dry humping ; Not proofread, bit of a rush job ; Implied established relationship ; If I missed any, let me know! ☁ Author's Notes: I should be working on Kinktober fics right now, but this man has had me in a chokehold for weeks, and I don't know if I want him to let go, and it's all Barbie's fault (jk, love you baby)! Going through an emotional time right now, and what better way to fix that than with some mindless smut? This is for my darling wives and fellow Adam simps, Mink and Barbie, and a poor attempt at converting Hazel to the dark side. Joooiiiinnnn uuuusssss- *is shot* I regret nothing! Enjoy~! <3 ☁ Summoning: @hazelfoureyes ; @minkdelovely ; @sugoi-writes ; @fraugwinska ; @macabr3-barbi3

Egotistical was a bit of an understatement when it came to Adam. Dude literally believes he was god's gift to women, and in a way, he was. As the first man, humanity wouldn't exist without him, and he did more than just let that go to his head - he made it his entire personality. The seraphim appointing him as head of the Exorcists did nothing but exacerbate his already inflated ego.

And when you greeted Adam at the door of your shared home with his name scrawled across your left hip bone, curved letters thin and precise and oh-so-pretty even with the surrounding skin red and slightly swollen, you were unsurprised when his arrogance increased tenfold. A new sense of possession washed over him, causing the blood to rush to his crotch, cock stiff and straining painfully against his pants, all too eager to express his sentiments for such a simple act.

Which is how you wound up in your current situation, straddling Adam's lap as he lounged against the back of the sofa, large hands gripping your hips and deft fingers digging carelessly into your skin. If it weren't for the friction caused by your grinding and the shallow rolling of his hips into yours, you would have torn his hands away from the tender flesh - the pain adding a nice contrast to the pleasure within your pulsating heat.

"Fuck, babe. Didn't think it was possible for you to get any hotter," Adam mumbled against your lips, teeth crashing and tongues intertwined, swallowing each other's breathless gasps as you pressed your lower half down on his dick still confined within his underwear. You rolled your hips back and forth against his bulge, your bare wetness dripping down and staining the dark grey fabric of his boxers

The room was filled with your mixed moans, the wet smacking sounds of your kissing, the worn-down couch creaking beneath your combined weight with each desperate fraughtful motion. "I had a feeling you'd like it," you purred, voice low and lascivious as he pressed up into you, desire burning hotter and hotter when his clothed cock slid perfectly between your outer folds, the head catching on your exposed clit occasionally and dragging pleasure filled whines from you both.

You felt Adam smirk against your mouth, pulling away a couple seconds later to look up at you, hands guiding your movements, pupils blown wide in his glowing golden eyes. "Fuck yeah I do! Fuckin' love putting my name on shit," he told you, your short laugh turning into an excited gasp when he moved to flick his tongue over your pert nipple, soon taking it into his mouth and sucking harshly, one hand traveling up from your hip to pinch the other.

"A-Adam! Fuck!" you cried, your hips picking up speed as that heated coil began to tighten deep in your core with each stroke, each flick of his tongue. You grabbed hold of his hair, pulling roughly as your eyes drifted shut, head lolling back and exposing your throat to him. Adam knew you were close, evident by the way your cries rose in pitch and frequency, his cock twitching dangerously within its prison, reveling in the way your face scrunched up and your jaw fell open as the tension became more and more unbearable by the second.

"Just like that, babe! Fuck, don't you fucking stop!" Adam commanded, coaxing you closer and closer to the precipice of ecstasy, his own orgasm barreling towards him. He moved up to press his mouth into the sensitive skin of your neck, teeth nipping playfully as he bucked up into you. "God fucking damn, can't fuckin' believe you did this for me, shit!" he rasped out, wrapping one arm around your waist and sitting up straight, his other hand digging harshly into the plush fat of your quivering thigh.

"Faster-!"

"Ohhh, fuck, oh fuck, gonna make me fuckin' cum!" Adam babbled, rolling your bodies so that you were the one pressed into the couch now, his hips grinding against yours, his shaft slipping between your slick folds. His wings spread open, muscles tensing and twitching in tandem with his stuttering hips as he looked down at your new tattoo once again. Overwhelmed with pride, the first wave of his release came crashing down, a guttural moan following the initial gasp of relief.

Sticky ropes of his cum coated the inside of his boxers and seeped out the fly, smearing against your heated skin as he tried to maintain his previous pace long enough to make you cum as well. He couldn't leave you high and dry - not after you went and did the sexiest thing he'd ever seen by putting his name on your body. Gaze shifting between your tensed expression and the tender skin of your hip, Adam brushed his thumb over the letters, a renewed vigor urging him on.

"You gonna fuckin' cum for me? Yeah? Do it, fuckin' do it, cum for me like a good little slut!"

"I- fuck! Like that! Just like that!" you whined, gripping the side of the cushion Adam had you pressed into, timing your movements to match his until that coil finally snapped, the force stealing your breath for a few seconds as you arched your back and your vision going white. You squirmed in his grasp; the overstimulation of him grinding against your throbbing heat and the sting of his thumb pressed against your fresh tattoo sending shockwaves of both pain and pleasure up your spine.

"A-Adam, Adam, babe, stop, I need a minute," you begged once you had regained enough of your senses to form a coherent sentence, panting heavily as you felt his comforting weight leave your limp figure momentarily. You turned your head and watched him as he stripped himself of his soiled boxers and kicked them to the side, his shaft hard once again, cum shining along the length of it in the dim light.

Yanking you to your feet in front of him, Adam bent down and wrapped his hands around the backs of your thighs, hoisting you up until you could hook your legs around his pudgy waist, using the crevices of his love handles to better hold yourself up. Adam delivered a single hard slap to your ass, laughing at the squeal of shock that left your throat as he turned towards your shared bedroom, the tip of his now freed cock brushing against your lower lips.

"Hope you called off, babe. I ain't letting you leave this place for a while."

[pascal-princess]

[ playing dangerous ]

a/n: this is my first ever fic so pls be kind!! also not proofread so any mistakes i apologise.

— warnings : dark fic (18+), joel isn’t what you think in this, domestic abuse! (not joel), drugging, dom!joel, big!joel/small!reader, age gap (not mentioned but it’s there, around 26 years), kidnap if you squint ig. + plus tommy.

“Joel it’s all kickin’ off next door man”

Tommy’s voice filled his ears through the phone as he sighed… not again… surely.

“What this time?”

“It’s that dude, I ain’t gotta clue what his problem is but she’s gettin’ the brunt of it yet again” Tommy’s eyes scanned through the blinds that were peeled apart by his fingers, peering into your window trying to get a good visual of what was going on.

This had been going on for the past few months, your boyfriend Rick had a bad gambling addiction… and based on his results you’d either get pounded brutally into the bed as his victory celebration, despite your cries. Or… like today; a hissy fit which every time without fail, resulted in bruises and tears, as his anger at his loss seemed to be all your fault.

This time; tommy could hear the heavy thuds of furniture being thrown across rooms, and twinkles of glass that smashed beneath your feet. He could hear the soft whimpers and sobs that left your body as Rick practically screamed at you.

“it’s all your fault you fuckin’ bitch, you make me do this”

“Joel what do i do, man? I can’t jus’ leave er’”

“Stay where you are, I’m comin’ home”

Joel hung up the phone and got into his pick-up truck and began the short drive home; he knew you were a sweetheart, a soft innocent angel who wouldn’t hurt a fly. You always smiled at him and even once baked him cookies, which he admired for a good few days before throwing his diet out the window, consuming the gooey chocolate chip delights you made. He couldn’t understand why you stayed, why you let Rick treat you the way he did. He also couldn’t understand how Rick could treat you such a way.

Maybe you were secretly an awful person, he thought… or hoped. Because the thought of someone as kind and caring as you receiving the exact opposite just because of the fact that you won’t fight back killed him inside. He refused to admit the feeling of jealousy that ached inside of him; but he often thought of what it’d be like to hold you at night, to be the man to make you smile, to wipe away your tears instead of being the dick that caused them.

His anger grew more and more as he approached his driveway, speeding up a bit as he swerved in and pulled to a halt, the tires screeching against the concrete. He threw open his door and made the short walk to your front porch, knuckles thumping against the wood as he waited for a response… that was when he realised… silence.

He banged again and called your name this time, willing you for a response. You could’ve heard a pin drop, and it was scaring him.

He was just about to kick the door down when he heard the lock of the door flick, and watched as it slowly peeled open, too slow.

“Joel?” your cracking voice called his name and he could’ve burst into tears himself.

“Sweetheart, ya’ alright?” he pushed open the door a little more to get a view of your face, and god he wished he hadn’t.

“Honey” He sighed, eyeing the swelling bruise that imprinted itself onto your cheek, the redness of your face from crying just intensifying it.

“Joel, please just go” you kept yourself hidden, yes, Rick was gone. He walked out as soon as he was finished releasing his stress, with the words “i’ll be back later” but you still felt the quivers of fear make their way through your body.

“I can’t do that, you know i can’t” His hands were placed on his hips as he scanned everywhere he could for more marks, and all he could see was bruises, old and new, littered across your arms. Even the softness of your feet covered in dried blood from stepping on the glass.

When that caught his eye he knew you needed attention.

“Right, you’re comin’ over so i can get ya cleaned up” He reached for your hand but you pulled back abruptly.

“I can’t, Joel. I can’t leave”

“Then i’ll carry you”

“You don’t get it!” you raised your voice a little louder to get the message across.

“You’re right, I don’t get it. But I ain’t gonna leave you alone right now so you either move, or I move ya myself”

You sighed, knowing he wasn’t gonna let up, so you made the brave decision to step outside… wincing as your feet made contact with the hard stone below you. Joel was there right away, scooping you up into his arms and hoisting you on one side of his hip as his other hand closed your front door. He eyed you for a moment, making sure he wasn’t hurting you before making his way over to his house.

All the fear coursing through your veins dulled as you felt joel’s touch, he was much bigger than you which at the start intimidated you, but now all you wanted to do was crawl into his embrace and let him take care of your problems.

Joel was one of your favourite people; when you moved in you two immediately hit it off, becoming very quick friends. From what you heard from Tommy, Joel wasn’t the type of person to be overly nice to everyone he meets, but you were different. He would always help you out when you had issues with the plumbing or gas, as Rick was never interested in doing any of that. He would bring over leftovers for you as he knew you struggled to eat after a particularly bad fight. Basically anytime Rick wasn’t there, Joel was. Insisting on taking care of you when things went wrong. Helping you get out of bed, and brushing your hair for you on the worst days.

Tommy was already waiting with the front door open, allowing Joel inside as he carried you through the threshold.

“She alright?” Tommy asked and Joel nodded slightly, taking you through to the kitchen and perching you up on the counter, picking up your leg and inspecting your foot for the first time.

“You gotta’ start wearing shoes, sweetheart”

You gave a slightly amused breath at his words but he wasn’t laughing in the slightest. He was angry.

Angry at me? you thought

He moved to one of the cupboards, pulling out a first aid kit and making his way back to you, pulling a stool over and sitting in front of your legs, pulling your feet into his lap and getting to work with the antiseptic.

“ouch!” you winced as the stinging made its way through your body.

“I know babygirl, m’sorry. i’ll just be a little minute more and then you’re done, m’kay?”

That was another thing that was unusual with Joel, his affection towards you. It was clear that he cared about your feelings, maybe it was just because he knew that you didn’t get much at home… or maybe… just maybe…

“All done, sweet girl” you were pulled from your thoughts as he placed the bloodied cotton pads onto the counter beside you and you winced internally at how much blood there actually was. He picked up a thin bandage and began to wrap each of your feet. making sure the cuts were covered.

“Thank you” you spoke quietly, even when he was finished he still held your feet in his lap, the warmness and softness of his jeans bringing you comfort. It made you yawn and made your limbs stretch slightly.

“You tired?” he asked. You shook your head, you knew he’d have you sleep here if you asked but you didn’t want an excuse to stay any longer, on the off chance that Rick was already on his way home.

“I better get going” Joel’s hands held onto your hips as you slid down off the counter, your feet feeling way better touching the floor than before.

“She ain’t leavin’” Tommy’s voice interrupted the both of you, you turned to face the younger brother who was standing in the door way, essentially blocking your exit.

“I-I have to”

“No frickin’ way!” Tommy protested, raising his voice a bit.

“Tommy” Joel warned.

“No, absolutely not! You think we’re gonna let you go back there after everything that sick son of a bitch has done? You’re fuckin’ crazy”

“You don’t understand” You spoke softly, a whimper caught in the back of your throat.

“No you don’t understand! You wanna fuckin’ die huh? You got some sorta death wish?” Tommy was stepping closer to you, not with the intention of intimidating you but out of pure frustration with you.

“Tommy! Back the fuck off” Joel stepped forward now too, both brothers exchanging looks that told you this had been more than a one time conversation. You couldn’t help the tears that burned your eyes, begging to be released, your lip wobbling with every breath.

Tommy was an incredible friend to you, but he was the harsher one out of the two brothers when it came down to you. Joel was better at hiding his true feelings but Tommy, wouldn’t let you hear the end of it.

“What if one day we ain’t there huh? what’s she gonna do? who’s she gonna run to? If she ain’t already dead by that point” his words were harsh and brought all your emotions to light.

“Stop it! please!” you burst into tears, chest tightening as your sobs began to wrack your body.

Joel was immediately at your side pulling you into his embrace tightly and running his hand through your hair, whispering sweet words.

“M’sorry, honey. But you ain’t leaving tonight and that’s final” Tommy spoke before disappearing into the hallway.

“He ain’t tryna be mean sweetheart” Joel whispered as you clung to him.

“I-I know” you spoke hiccuping through your words.

“He’s just worried about you, and so am I”

You pulled away from Joel’s embrace, wiping your eyes. Of course you knew it was wrong, Of course you knew you could get seriously hurt or end up dead. But if it was that straightforward you would’ve been gone a long time ago.

“Can you at least stay until i get some painkillers in ya’?” Joel asked, and it wasn’t a big ask at all… but to you it felt like a hefty question. But it wouldn’t hurt right? You could take the painkillers then head straight back home as if nothing happened.

You nodded and Joel gave a soft smile, and took your hand, leading you through the house and up the stairs.

“I keep everythin’ in my bathroom cabinet, jus’ better that way” he seemingly answered every question you had without you even having to ask.

He led you to sit on his bed as he went into the bathroom, rummaging for a few moments before returning with little white capsules in his hand, he reached into his night stand and grabbed an unopened bottle of water, twisting the cap and handing you both items.

He watched you carefully as you took the pills, swallowing them with water and taking a few more chugs of the water as you didn’t realise how thirsty you were. You handed the bottle back to him and he placed it back on his nightstand.

His room was so cozy, you had never been up here before. Shades of grey and black accented the room, lights dim and sheets soft, his bed big enough for 4 people never mind just him. You could tell this room probably wasn’t his idea as Joel wasn’t one to prioritise his own comfort. It was so cozy that your eyes began to droop, and your head began to sway.

“Lay down, babygirl” Joel instructed and even came to your side to aid you but you pushed him off.

“Nuh-uh I can’t, have to go home”

“Just lay down for 5 minutes, c’mon i don’t want you passing out” he insisted.

“M’kay, 5 minutes” He helped you lay down as you got comfortable on his plushy sheets, it was almost unusual how sleepy you were. You felt your eyes begin to shut against your will and felt your breathing begin to slow. You were falling asleep, but no matter what you did you couldn’t stop it from overcoming you. Your body drifting into a deep slumber before Joel’s eyes.

If only you’d of seen the bottle of sleeping pills sat out on his bathroom counter.

-

When you woke, it was way darker outside, an ambient light flashing through, you squinted for a minute until you realised it was police lights. You searched your surroundings realising you were wearing a t-shirt and bottoms that did not belong to you, and you were also laying on joel’s pillows, the covers atop of you. You threw the covers off and began to stand up, your sleepiness still coursing through your body. how long did i sleep?

You padded towards the window, looking out and gasping at the sight of Rick being pushed into the back of a police car, his protests actively ignored by the officers, you began to start panicking but something caught your eye, or someone.

Tommy stood on the front porch, a cigarette hanging from his lips as he watched the car drive down the street, the officer driving giving him a wave as they passed… they know each other?

“You’re awake” your body jolted as you spun round to face Joel, who stood in the middle of the room holding a mug of what looked and smelled like tea. He motioned for you to take the mug but you ignored him, eyeing him with a look of betrayal.

“I know you didn’t want this sweet girl but i-”

“Didn’t want this? Joel do you have any fucking idea what you’ve just done? He’s gonna get out and he’s gonna come straight for me, do you understand that?” you ran your hands through your hair, pacing back and forth and contemplating all of your options.

“Hey, hey, hey” Joel sat the mug down and walked over grabbing a hold of your shoulders and pulling you to him. “He ain’t gonna hurt you no more, understand”

You looked into his eyes and saw nothing but pure sureness in his eyes.

“He comes anywhere near ya i’ll kill m’ myself”… again, the sureness… but something else lurked in his irises, something dark.

“You’re not killing anyone Joel” you pulled out of his grip and began to walk away, searching for your lost clothes, rummaging through his wardrobe and under his bed.

“Where’s all my stuff?”

Joel sighed and walked over to you again.

“It’s in the laundry, why are you so desperate to leave? He’s not here anymore” You heard the frustration in his voice but why was he angry at you, it meant you could go home peacefully.

“Because it’s my home, Joel”

“This is your home” He said plainly, which in any other circumstance would’ve been sweet but you couldn’t shake the feeling of something being wrong.

“That’s kind Joel but I really gotta-”

“You think now that i’ve got you i’m just gonna let you go?” He chuckled.

The air shifted as you looked into Joel’s eyes that seemed to have nothing but pure lust for you, he had been drinking.

But it wasn’t until your eyes caught the little orange pill bottle sat open on the counter that it finally clicked. And he noticed when it clicked. His eyes followed yours and he sighed at his mistake, before giving a slight scoff.

“Sorry, probably shoulda’ put that away before”

“Joel?” You grew more and more frightened as the seconds grew by, this wasn’t your Joel. This Joel had something dark and malicious about him.

“Hey, it’s alright sweetheart” he came up and held your face in his hands…

“I’m gonna take care of you now”

-

a/n: please let me know if you want a part two i’d be happy to write one! any comments and reblogs are so greatly appreciated thank you so much for reading.

love, mila🎀

[threepandas]

Sun Burnt: Part 3

When a legendary hitman Eye Threatens to break both your fucking legs?

They Are Not Joking.

FUCKING OW.

Still! Jokes on HIM! I'm in to that sh-! Wait, no, not the time for memes! Or is it jokes? Irrelevant! I can still fuckin RUN, is the thing. Sucks to SUCK, Sun boy! Us Lightnings are BUILT DIFFERENT!

And I BETTER not hear any snide "yeah I BET they are" from the peanut gallery!

My Flame type ROCKS! I am a TAZER who can put my fist through WALLS. Stand dead center of a road and just? Fuckin TANK a speeding car! Can YOU? Didn't THINK so! Lightning supremacy! One of you fuckers gimme a highfive! HELL YEAH!

But also? Like... I take back EVERYTHING I ever said about the Carcassa.

ALL OF IT.

They are the GEMS of the Mafia. The SHINING HEARTS of raw compassion! Skull-sama's willingness to PERSONALLY piss off The "I AM The Dread God Lesser Deity's Fear" Reborn? An inspiration to us all. I... I would steal for this man. Like? For FREE. Not DIE for him or anything, God no, but? I would steal really REALLY expensive shit for him!

The man's an absolute mad lad. A LEGEND.

I will NEVER forget this... assuming I survive.

Because somehow HE already has my name, face, and multiple alias plastered OUT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. Ha ha... oh god. Thaaaaat is a bounty. BIG bounty. Lots of zeros. G...gonna die.

My phone chimes.

"You know exactly who this is. Pick up." The screen reads, right before it rings.

HA HA, NOPE!

I stand, well more like shoot to my feet, from my seat on the ground. Quuuuick steps too the blimp windows. Wrench those open. Sim card out! Crush the phone. AND YEET!!! BeGONE DEMOOOON!

We shall NOT be engaging with The Devil today! No Sir!

.....Skull's phone starts ringing.

I whine like a cornered animal. So... this is what a real life horror movie feels like. NEAT. I hate it! I watch, probably shaking, as Skull-sama casually drags out his phone. Glances down at it. Then over his shoulder at me. He doesn't even fully turn his head. Just one Cloud flame purple eye that seems to light up from within.

He's a happy go lucky guy. Cool dude. But like all Clouds? Fucking HATES cages. Being or SEEING other imprisoned. Trapped. Cornered and forced to do something against their will. And as the planet's STRONGEST Cloud?

He's always had exactly zero problems telling Reborn to fuck off to his face. Even when it gets him shot at. Everyone knew that.

"Sempai! Calling the GREAT Skull De Mort just to CHAT~♡? I KNEW you loved me BESTEST!" He PROJECTS into the phone, his speaking cadence shifting.

He'd been gregarious, bombastic even, the whole time I'd been on board. The sort of guy you can't help but want to buy street food with and check out some weird local sight you heard about. The guy that turns an event into a PARTY. A get together into a memory you TREASURE. Larger then life and unashamedly so.

But this? THIS was the SHOWMAN.

And this was the Showman being Obnoxious and MEAN.

Loud, intentionally grating voice. No break in the endless flood of mind numbing chatter that went no where. Bellowing cackling that even the best of speakers would be hard pressed to handle. Standing near machines and windows so the background noise garbled EVERYTHING.

Let no one say Clouds are not PETTY.

"Hmmmmm~? Your WHAT? Sempai! Don't be SILLY! You can't OWN people! That's SLAVERY! It's against~...!" He turned, leaning like a rock star of old against some navigation compartment. Casually examining his nails with a MEAN and wolfish smile on his face. "Waaaaa! Don't be maaad~ Don't be MAAAAAD~!! You know I'd NEVER lie to YOU, Sempai! I'd never DARE! I promise I'll keep a look out, m'kay? What? Don't hang up? Sorry! Can-KRRRRSHK! n't quite KKKKKRRRRRSK! Heeeeear yoooouuuuu~☆!"

Click.

He casually tossed his phone to one of his men. Ignored it even as it rang and rang. With an excited clap of his hand, he hopped up, out of his loose legged splay to stride over. According to him? We should eat! Have I had Burmese food? It's delicious! One of his guys just got "into" the whole cooking thing! So everyone is being supportive!

I can't help but laugh. Everyone politely ignores how wet it is, as Skull-sama throws an arm over my shoulders and drags me from the cockpit.

I know I'm not safe. But for now? Fuck it. Good enough. Maybe Skull-sama knows someplace Reborn might not IMMEDIATELY find me. And who knows? When this all blows over? Maybe I should join up with his crew. Reborn can't be THAT obsessed. Right? It was just the initial harmony high. With no Sky to actually bind us, he'll lose interest.

Behind me... the phone rings.

And rings.

And RINGS.

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Night in New Orleans

Normally the men Y/N is in charge of managing are the ones getting in trouble, not the other way arround. This time, while shooting in Louisiana for the second movie, it’s a bit of both.

Johnny Knoxville X Gn!Reader, Bam Margera X Gn!Reader (if you squint)

(Fluff)

5.7k Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, crude language, heavy nudity, alcohol, drug use, fights, blood, hurt/comfort, flirting, stripping, fighting

An: Another manager Y/N fic!! I can’t seem to get away from this premise for the life of me! XD they’re just so fun to write for!! Also as proof of how much research goes into these fics, every location mentioned in this fic is entirely real and on Bourbon Street! I had an ex that went to New Orleans but I’ve never been there myself, so I could only hope it’s as wild as I immagine it to be! Also, this fic takes place ~2006 during the filming of Jackass Number Two because they filmed a good chunk of that movie in Louisiana! Anyways,thank you for sending in requests and please keep sending them!

Backroads seemed to stretch on forever as you ranted to Jeff on the phone, “MTV is not paying me enough for this shit! I mean, it's bad enough I gotta spend every day with idiots, now I’m the one who’s gotta find them when they run off?” The dusty road ahead of you was solely illuminated by the one working headlight on the van as you drove through the darkness, your only source of direction being the man you were on the phone with, “It's not my fault they decided to run off to some ranch in the middle of Nowhere, Louisiana!” You rolled your eyes, leaning forward against the wheel to try and see ahead as he sighed, “Listen, we gotta shoot in the morning so just get them back to the hotel. Manage the talent!” Click.

Fuckin Jeff, making you go out in the middle of the night in the stupid van that was bumbling allong on its last legs- you didn’t even want to immagine what went down in it based on how it smelled. The whole ‘manage the talent’ thing became almost a motto for when shit turned sour but calling them talent was an overstatement. This is what chauffeurs- better yet, the town dog catcher is for, not managers. Thanks to his amazing directions, you ended up at a ranch, sure, but it seemed practically deserted as you pulled up into the dirt parking lot. Squinting into the darkness, you could barely make out the carved writing on the wooden sign that hung over the front gate that read, ‘New-D Ranch’, whatever that meant. You waited for a few minutes, trying to catch a breeze from the one working AC vent while wondering why the hell you hadn’t quit already to find a job somewhere a little more sane before you heard the swish of the doors behind you opening.

You knew it was Johnny who called shotgun when you heard the slight twang in his grumble as he slid in the passenger seat, “Christ, for a nudist ranch you’d think there’d be more chicks…” Blinking, you turned to him, looking him up and down. Shoulders, chest, thighs- oh god he was naked. Well, naked save for those stupid sunglasses he never seemed to take off. The guys chattered amongst themselves in the back seat as you whipped your head around- yeah, them too. Knoxville must have seen how big your eyes got or the blush that spread across your cheeks, and judging by the way he chuckled a little and let his knees drift apart as he settled down in his seat, he didn’t seem to mind. Pervert. It’s not like you could help it that he was so shameless and all blue and glowy from the way the moon kissed his skin. Finally, you got your words out, yanking the van into gear as you peeled out, “Why are you all naked?”

Admittedly, you were speeding a little down the desolate road while Chris and Steve filled you in on how they heard about this totally rad nudie ranch from this guy at the hotel bar and were down to get with some really hot chicks that night, but all they found there were dudes and farm animals. Every now and then you would sneak a glance over at Johnny who was still wearing that shit eating grin he always had when he knew he was pushing your buttons. You didn’t want to debate yourself if this whole thing was turning you on or pissing you off, but you didn’t have a whole lot of time to consider it as you saw those flashing red and blue lights in your rear view mirror. Shit.

What a perfect time to get pulled over. Veering the car off to the gravelly shoulder, you did the routine. Yes officer. No, I don’t know why I got pulled over. My license? Oh sure! Right here, officer! He flashed that stupid little flashlight inside the car and audibly gasped as he gawked at the proud exhibitionists- that is, all except Bam, who was redder than a tomato and practically squirming in his seat as he desperately tried to cover up his junk. You could tell Officer Friendly got a little uncomfortable with the way Chris suggestively raised his eyebrows at him from the way he stuttered as he continued his police spiel, “May I ask why you are out at this hour with a- a van full of nude men?” Thinking for a moment, you tried to come up with a worthwhile excuse, “Well, I, uh- these are my brothers, officer, and they had a little too much to drink tonight, so they called me to pick them up from the bar!” Making eye contact across the center counsel, Johnny nodded with a very clear tone of amusement in his voice, “Yeah, brothers.” The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

All the cop could do was awkwardly ask for your license and go back to his car, leaving you alone in the oppressive humidity and near silence as crickets chirped faintly. Turning around, about to deliver the lecture of a lifetime, you noticed Steve eerily uiet and nevrous, of all things. Looking up at you from his nails that he was biting to the nub, there was a trace of panic in Steve’s eyes as he started, not even waiting for you to ask what was wrong, “I’m fuckin’ naked and I gotta warrant, man! I-I can’t go t’jail- not like this…” You rolled your eyes at his dramatics- really it wouldn’t surprise you if they all had warrants based on the shit you had to get them out of. As he stood up a little to get a better view out the front window, he anxiously bounced his leg, murmuring to himself, “Fuck, man. That’s it. I-I’m gonna make a run for it.” Your eyes shot open and you pushed him back into his seat. If there was anything you didn’t need tonight, it was a naked man under your care on the loose, so you shut that down fast, “Steve! Stay!”

When the cop returned, the guys turned to look in completely different directions so as to not appear suspicious as you got the news that everything seemed fine with your license. He let you off with a warning and a shake of his head, muttering something about you taking your brothers home to sober up and getting some damn clothes on them while you were at it. Yes, officer. Thank you, have a nice night, officer. As you started back to the hotel, Chris, who was previously distracted by looking at fireflies out the window, noticed something, “Woah, dude. What’s wrong?” Glancing in your rear view mirror as you pulled away, you saw Bam, in between Steve and Chris, white as a ghost with sweat just pouring down his face. Running a hand through his soaked curls, he shook his head, “Shit, dude! I was worried- like, I-I’m small and cute! And naked!” Johnny turned to face him and piped up, “And famous.” Bam disregarded any traces of sarcasm as he turned to you, “And famous! I’d get the shit kicked out of me, dude!” With how cool these guys were normally, the way they freaked out when a cop showed up surprised you.

By some miracle you made it to the hotel, a motel, if you were being honest, in the middle of bourbon street. The place was the definition of a shithole, but you’d stayed in worse and it was better than sleeping in the van so you made do with the used condoms under the bed and roaches in the bathroom because if they could survive this, so could you. Not wanting to leave the guys unsupervised for too long, you decided that your best bet at getting the guys from the car to the room would have to be something in the near vicinity, and while scanning the parking lot, you got an idea so good it made you want to ask for a raise. An assured grin crossed your face, ”I’ll be back.” Just as you were halfway out the door you heard Bam protest with an exhausted sigh, “Fuck it! I’m going with you.” He climbed over Chris to open the door, putting his hands up as he got over his previously held shyness at being nude in front of others, “I’ve been sittin’ between two naked dudes and I gotta get the fuck outta here.” Stopping just before an indecent exposure charge, he held his hand out to you, “Gimme your jacket.”

Begrudgingly handing over your hoodie to Bam, he casually tied it around his waist backwards to cover his crotch loincloth-style as you made a mental note to wash it before you wore it next time it got chilly. Decent enough, you thought, shaking your head as you walked towards the shitty hotel pool that glowed teal in the night. You tried to pretend he wasn’t there as he followed on your heels through the parking lot and through the metal gates that fenced the pool in. As you nearly dove into the big plastic green thing that housed the neatly folded towels, you heard Johnny wolf whistle from the van. Initially assuming that it was directed towards you, you flipped up, clutching an armful of fluffy white fabric, but before you could shout something back you very quickly noticed that Bam’s pale little ass was just completely out. Goddamn it. As you handed out the towels, he didn’t seem bothered in the slightest when Chris chuckled and said something about hating to see Bam go but loving to watch him leave.

Making sure to stay behind the group like a Border Collie to a herd of sheep, you marched the idiots through the lobby who were miraculously dry despite allegedly having come from the pool. As celebrities go, they didn’t attract as much attention as you would have otherwise expected, but that didn’t stop a few drunken women splayed out in the wide, red silk upholstered chairs in the lobby from loudly propositioning them. Steve threw up a ‘call me’ gesture and Bam dragged his feet, whining something about you never letting them have any fun as you nudged them along. You were so exhausted that you didn’t even bat an eye when Chris ‘accidentally’ dropped his towel and glanced back at you with a finger over his lips like one of those pin up girls. Humorously snatching the towel off of the ground, you shoved it into his arms as you all crowded into the tiny, rickety elevator that was surely over it”s weight limit. How strange it must have looked from an outsider’s perspective- you and four nearly naked men, all packed shoulder to shoulder into that tiny space. But you were too tired to care about any of that, leaning your forehead against the wall with a thump as the doors closed.

You were the one Jeff gave the keys to because you were the only one deemed responsible enough, so you tossed them to Bam as he passed you in the hall, but while the others were stumbling in and tossing off their towels, Johnny lingered in the hall as you went to unlock your room. The hallway was only maybe wide enough for you to stand on one side and stretch your arm out to touch the other side, so you really had to look up to talk to him, “Where’re you going?” Holding his towel up far too low with one hand, Johnny shrugged, leaning against the wall opposite to you, “M’goin t’our room.” Most people, if they were in your shoes, staring up maybe six inches away from this ruggedly handsome, partially nude man, would fold like a house of cards, but you were not most people, so you kept your composure. Shrugging, you unlocked your room. “No, this is my room.” The dryness of your words contracted with the playful tone in his voice, “You sure ‘bout that?” Tossing your keys into the bed, you turned to him flatly, “Yep!” Johnny shrugged, turning to leave before dropping his towel. He cackled that signature Knoxville laugh, picking it up only after he heard you snicker from your doorway.

After sending the kids off to daycare, you finally got a moment to yourself. Your day was mostly spent lounging about your room, trying to savor the peace and quiet however short lived it may be. But it came to a stop all too soon when your hotel room phone started ringing- it was Bam, who was apparently too lazy to just go next door and knock. He mumbled over the line, sounding a little embarrassed to ask you, “We wanna go out, n’Jeff says we can’t without you.” This premise never ends well. Hearing your sigh, he turned defensive, “Hey! We just wanna go get some food, okay? That’s it! Jeez…” In the background, you could hear Johnny say something about how the boys were starvin’ over there. “Okay, fine!” You relented after hesitating for a moment, “As long as it's just for food.”

The group walked through a blur of light and sound, dazzling neon signs flanking either side of the street: Bourbon Gifts Cigar Shop, Tropical Isle- Home of the Hand Grenade, signs advertising $5 Jager Bombs, but no restaurants. The guys seemed to have completely forgotten about looking for dinner, more concerned with what trouble they could get into than feeding themselves. “C’mon, Bam! I know this kickass voodoo lady that lives ‘round here- she’ll totally get us footage!” Steve’s excitement was met with a shudder, “No fuckin way, man. Like I wanna get hit by brooms’n play with snakes ‘n shit.” Maybe the fact that Johnny was holding the portable video camera from the hotel room should’ve tipped you off that they may not have been on the prowl for food. He chuckled, turning to Steve, “She sounds sweet. Think’y could get me her number?”

So far you had done a pretty good job at keeping the guys together, even if you had to grab their hands and tug them through the crowds like you were their mother when you caught them rubbernecking to peep into whatever strip club you were walking past. Suddenly, you saw Chris dart away from the pack. You weren't sure if it was the Penthouse Club, the Kama Sutra Cabaret, or Lary Flynt’s Hustler Club that he b-lined it into, but just as soon as he did, the rest of the guys followed quickly behind, leaving you stranded. Knowing how much shit you would get into if you lost one of them or god forbid someone got arrested, you went after them.

Given your line of work, you would’ve thought that, by this point, you would have gotten a little more familiar with the inside of one of these places, but nope. This place was on some real Girls, Girls, Girls shit, like the image of a strip club- mirror poles, velvet tablecloths, and women wearing barely more than a smile and nine inch heels. Averting your eyes from the ladies onstage, you let out a sigh of relief when you spotted Knoxville sitting at the bar. Hopping up onto the tall red vinyl stool next to him, you let out a sigh of relief as Johnny glanced over to you and let out a chuckle, taking a sip of his beer before reassuring you like he could read your concerns without you having to open your mouth, “If you’re lookin’ for the fellas, they’re out on the floor. S’not like they’re goin’ far”

Rolling your eyes, you kept your head low as you scouted the place out. “I thought we were gettin’ dinner.” This was not the kind of place you wanted to be found in, and you bet Johnny could tell from how entertained he seemed at your discomfort, looking you up and down, “Well, for these guys, this is dinner.” You couldn’t deny, you actually were kinda hungry, distracting yourself by eyeing the initials that were keyed into the countertop, “I don’t even think they have food here…” Knoxville nudged a glass bowl of peanuts sitting on the bar top toward you with a smirk. “Here,” He grabbed one himself, crushing the shell in his hand before tossing one in his mouth with a smirk, “Lemme buy you dinner.” Taking one from the bowl yourself, you scoffed, a smile ghosting over your face as you murmured, “Oh, you’re quite the gentleman, Knoxville. Strip joint and peanuts.” Laughing, he relented to you, “Alright, how about I make it up to you with a nice dinner sometime- one good dinner? I owe you.” Wait, was he asking you on a date? Before you could consider maybe taking him up on that offer, you felt a tap on your shoulder. “Hey, hey- Y/N!”

Turning around, you weren’t sure if you were annoyed or relieved to see Bam standing behind you, holding out a fifty, “Y’got any singles?” It was like a kid asking his mom for money to go to the movies. Johnny shrugged, turning to you to remark, “I mean, at least he’s tippin’ the ladies. Not like Steve-O over there.” He jabbed a thumb at the corner where Steve sat, a herd of women clustered around him. Sure, Steve never tipped, but every time you saw him at the club, he was never drooling over the strippers. Instead, he would be sitting over in the corner, just chatting up the ladies while they were on their break. Strangely enough, they always seemed to be more than eager to hang out with him, waving and blowing him kisses as they headed back onstage. It bewildered you, but it was kinda sweet in a weird way. “Wha- no! I don’t have any singles!” Bam shrugged at your reaction, turning to walk away, “Ah, I’m sure I can get some at the bar. Thanks though!”

The question you were about to ask Johnny, about where Chris was at, was answered before you could ask it. Just as Bam ran up to the edge of the stage with a handful of singles, excited to see some T and A, you could see his face just fall as he muttered to himself at the sight in front of him, “This is so fucked up….” You yourself stared slack jawed as Johnny snickered at the sight of Party Boy himself strutting out onto the stage wearing nothing but his silver mankini while the beginning riff of one of those cock rock strip club songs started up. Not one to miss this kind of thing for the world, Knoxville whipped out the camera to capture the wide eyed shock in Bam’s eyes that turned to disgust when Chris started his little routine, eyeing the fat stack of ones in his hand. He kept inching closer and closer to the edge of the stage- specifically, closer to Bam. Getting down on his knees, Chris wasn’t shy in the slightest about shaking what he had (which he had quite a great deal of), barely inches from his face. Even you couldn’t deny that he was pretty damn good up there, and it seemed that Johnny agreed as he got up to toss a couple singles up there with a whistle. As the song reached a crescendo, everything seemed to reach a fever pitch and Bam hurriedly shoved the bills in his arms onto the stage, unable to stand it any longer, “Just take my money- and get your junk outa my face!” Pontius smirked, tucking the cash in the strap of his mankini with a wink. He whispers something you couldn’t quite hear, but you assumed was some sort of flirty comment from the way Bam rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You know, this is how I wanna spend my night.” Johnny turned to you as you tried to speak up over the music, “Watching Chris strip.” He chuckled, leaning back on the sticky bar, drink in hand. “Yeah, me too.” The incandescent lights of the club looked so pretty in the reflection of Johnny’s glasses that you hardly noticed when Bam ran back to the bar in the stupid little way he ran everywhere, as Candy or Trixie or whoever was strutting out onstage. He just happened to cross paths with Chris, walking off the stage and flipping through all fifty two dollars he got. Bam stopped him in his tracks with a hand on his baby oil covered chest, “Dude. Gimme my money back.” Chris just gave him that stoner laugh and shook his head, “No way! I earned this. How about you go up there and shake your little moneymaker?” Bam turned a little red and debated arguing or just getting more money. Looking back up at the stage, he gave in, more concerned with what article of clothing the girl on stage was shedding than his own money.

But just a few moments later, it was him who was getting physically tossed out onto the sidewalk, landing on his ass. All you saw was this little dark blur getting hoisted up by this bouncer twice it’s size and going flying out the doors. Of course, all the guys followed behind, laughing as he stumbled to his feet. “Rookie mistake, man.” Steve joked, his hands in his pockets as a curious few of the ladies peered out the door after him. You should’ve known that of all people it would be Bam who got a little too handsy with the girls. Nobody on the street even stared at the spectacle as you fled outside after them. “Okay, that’s it- let’s just call it a night.” The guys collectively groaned about you being a killjoy and begged for just one more stop at another bar for a nightcap as you threw your hands up in the air, not easily swayed, “C’mon, it’s a sign. Let’s just get you all back to the hotel…”

You got them safely tucked away in their room for the night, but of course the chaos didn’t cease. Maybe an hour passed after you collapsed onto your mattress with the lights off, trying to get a few hours of shuteye before you had to deal with them in the morning when the shouting started. Chalking it up to some couple having a marital dispute next door, you brushed it off until you realized which room it was coming from. Oh. Oh no. Clambering to your feet, you jumped at the telltale sound of an appliance shattering against a wall and tried to run the numbers of how much that’d cost to cover as you scrambled out the door. Hoping it was just a coffee maker or something and not a repeat of the time Bam hurled an entire Zenith television out of a plate glass door, you barged in the room.

Now, you didn’t know what the argument was initially about, but you got the gist of it as Steve’s elbow made contact with your mouth, slamming into you. Everything froze. Just your luck to get caught in the crossfire of one of his drug induced fits. Bam, who was on the other side of the room, was completely shirtless, as was Steve, but significantly more all together mentally and seeming to be on the other side of whatever conflict was happening. Running your tongue over your teeth, you confirmed that none of them were missing, but that wet iron taste lingered on your lips. “Holy shit…” This quickly sobered Steve up, whose voice was barely a whisper as he watched the blood that got Jackson Pollocked all over your face drip down your chin and neck. That was one way to break up a fight.

Blood trickled down the drain as you held yourself over the bathroom sink in the guys’ room, blinking away the tears that swelled in your eyes. Everyone cries when they get hit in the nose- it’s probably a reflex or something, you thought, not that it hurt that bad. Glancing up to the mirror, you caught sight of someone standing in the doorway- Knoxville, holding this ice pack he fashioned out of a towel full of ice from the hall. It seemed that your waterworks had really gotten his attention, judging from the concerned tone in his voice, “Y’alright?” Taking it from him, you gently pressed it to your face, wincing at the cold sting. “M’fine.” He smirked but the tone of his voice was still present as he sat down on the lid of the toilet seat next to you, “You sure?” Johnny waved you closer, gesturing for you to lean down towards him. You did, and he reached out to gently grasp your chin, “Lemme see…well, that might leave a mark.” It was an oddly intimate moment, feeling his noticeably larger hand on top of yours as he went to move the ice pack. Leaning it to get a better look at your face, Johnny smiled just barely, “I think you’re gonna be alright.”

With the way the guys treated you the next day, you would’ve thought you were the queen of England. When you woke them up the next day, they didn’t whine or complain in the slightest, instead obediently getting out of bed and starting to get ready, avoiding your gaze. You felt like the headmaster at some British private school for undisciplined boys. As you stood idly in the doorway, perplexed at their sudden shift in behavior, you noticed something- Knoxville was MIA, and it seemed that nobody cared or was willing to say anything to you. Dipping your head in the door, you scanned the room, “Does anyone know where-“

Jumping a little, you caught your breath after the initial surprise when you realized it was Johnny who was standing next to you out in the hallway, maybe six inches away. He smirked at how easily he startled you and wordlessly handed you one of the two complementary breakfast coffees he had in his hands. Look at Mr. Suave-Cool, coming in with the apology drinks. Still, you weren't going to say no. Taking a sip and pondering how he could be the constant center of attention and, at the same time, so damn sneaky, you didn’t even notice when Bam sprang up from his bed, scampering to lean against the doorframe behind you. While all of the guys were quietly doing it already, Bam seemed the most eager to grovel, not even waiting for you to turn towards him before he started fawning with uncharacteristic earnestness, “Hey, I just wanna tell you I am so sorry about last night- I mean, it was totally Steve’s fault, but I feel so bad!” Immediately, you turned to Bam and looked him up and down, as did Johnny, who snickered at the fact that he was standing there without a care in the world, totally naked. At this point in the trip you were so desensitized to the male nudity that you didn’t even say anything. From behind him in the room Steve, who had his shirt halfway over his head, was clearly over his faux niceness by the way barked at Bam, “Oh, fuck you man!” But when you made eye contact with him, his ego shrank up like he just got into a cold pool as his voice dropped a decibel, “I-I mean, you looked pretty rad with all the blood and stuff...” Chris, who was totally unbothered by all of this, just smiled at you as earnest as ever, “Yeah! The blood was totally sexy, dude!”

“Is there anything I can do to make it up?” Bam looked at you with this eager to please look on his face, and you weren't one to pass up this opportunity. You thought that hell would freeze over before any of these guys would ask to do something nice for you. “Well…if you really want, you could grab me a danish from down front.” He started off before he glanced down and noticed the obvious. Quickly running back into the room to tug on a pair of jeans- no underwear, Bam slipped past you and ran down the hall in that same stupid way he did at the strip club.

While the guys were out for the day, you shot a call over to Ed the Medic, who was, as his name implied, an on set medic (if you could call him that) who they only really kept around because he really liked giving people pills, so this was maybe the first time anyone called him for a legitimate injury. He was nonetheless happy to pawn them off onto you. While you debated whether or not you should take them, the throbbing pain in the middle of your face failed to cease, so you gave in, throwing them back and hoping the high would wear off before the guys got back and you made a fool of yourself the same way they did with you.

For the first time that trip, nobody wanted to go out that night, not after the day they just had. Drenched in sweat from the hot Louisiana sun with sore muscles from a day of stunts, all anybody wanted to do was maybe have a beer and crash for the night. Nobody was more exhausted than Bam, who arguably had the worst day out of any of them. From getting locked in a trailer with snakes and racking his nuts to having to eat and by extension throw up a piece of cowshit- not even Johnny asking to take a gander at his sprained dick could bring any humor to the situation. So as soon as they got into the room they all fell onto beds or chairs or whatever they could find, content to call it a night before six. That is, until you came knocking on the door.

“Heyyy!!” Stumbling into the room, you were all giggles as you bumped into Johnny who had opened the door. He looked down at your purple, swollen face confusedly as you slurred your words, “Didn’t you guys wanna go out…? C’mon, let’s go. I wanna party!” Turning back to the other guys, they all reflected the same bewildered expression as his- never once had you ever expressed interest at partying, or at least their idea of partying. However, though he had arguably had the roughest day out of all of them, Bam’s mood shifted at your sudden change of opinion, getting up from his place on the bed with a grin and putting a paintball-scarred hand on Johnny’s shoulder, “Alright, you heard ‘em! Let’s party.”

The streets were nearly empty as you and the guys walked them. Hell, you didn’t even know you were on Bourbon street until you saw the street sign on the corner as you left the hotel, “Wait, this is that Marti gras place, right?” Johnny nodded as he walked close to you, making sure you didn’t run off or hurt yourself doing something stupid. He clearly wasn't doing a very good job at it, made apparent when you tugged your shirt up to your neck, squealing, “Oh! I’m gonna get some beads!” Imitating women who flashed for plastic at those parades, it seemingly didn’t occur to you that not only were you about three months late to the whole Marti gras thing, but you were doing it to nobody in particular. Johnny noticed, his eyes going a little wide as he grabbed the sides of your shirt, quickly but gently pulling it back down, “Woah, woah- Y/N,” There was this almost protective tone in his voice as he talked to you the way you usually talked to him when he had a few too many that night, “If you wait right here, I can get you some beads, okay? Just- just stay in this one spot.”

He returned shortly after with a handful of multi-colored strands of plastic beads, brilliant iridescent purple and greens under the gas lamps that lined the sidewalks. Your eyes sparkled, “Woah…you got these for me…?” Johnny nodded. Maybe instead of getting them from a float like you assumed he had ran into a gift shop and hastily bought the first bulk bag of necklaces he could find, but he wasn’t technically lying. As you happily pulled them over you head, Bam elbowed you in the side, raising his eyebrows as he leaned in with a grin, “I could get you some beads if you flash those titties again.” Before you could comply, which you would’ve been more than happy to do, Johnny put an arm between the two of you, pushing you apart. What a killjoy! Still, he gave you a good explanation, “You don’t need any’a Bam’s junky beads cause I got you the good ones- the fancy kind.” Looking down at the beads in your hand again, you weren't sure what made them so fancy as they just looked like any old beads to you, but you trusted him. “Besides” Johnny brushed Bam’s hand off of your shoulder, “Why don’t I take you out on that dinner I was talkin’ about?”

You spent half of the meal gushing to the guys about your shiny new beads you got, somewhat less high but far from sober. Chris and Steve found your predicament absolutely hilarious, sitting on either side of you with giddy smiles at their uptight manager who was finally getting in on the fun. The lot of you ate your dinner in that sleepy little twenty four hour cafe a block from your hotel (about as far as you had gotten) and afterwards Johnny took you back to the hotel and up to your room with an arm around your shoulders, preventing any further mishaps. Dragging your feet, you collapsed onto your bed in your jeans. He gently removed your shoes and tucked you in before quietly leaving to go back to his own room next door. If there was going to be another time you ever ended up high, he would be the man you would want to babysit you. Tomorrow would be the last day of shooting in New Orleans, and you would be mortified at the stories of your behavior, but for that moment that night everything was just perfect.

[feroshgirlsims]

Chapter 7.1 - You Can’t Go Home

AKIRA

"Fuckin' bullshit ass dreams."

The coffee helps with Akira's tension headache, but not his biggest problem: Why the hell can't Miko be glamoured?

For all the magic that the fae had, glamour was the most powerful. It was the only space where they could lie, crafting a story or circumstance that felt so real a creature could be lost to it.

Miko wasn't fae, which was the only way she'd be able to see through it—though most fae didn't bother to peek beneath the hood of a glamour unless it was a threat. It was considered rude, like walking in on someone undressing.

And yet, if Akira was being honest with himself, when it came to solving the mystery of Miko Ojo he could give a shit. Jacques was right, he was distracted. He wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near Vladislaus, and Alice was— 

—in his side yard?

Son of a bitch. 

Akira makes his way outside, hoping to confirm that she is a figment of his imagination and not actually in his garden, leaning over a poisonous plant on the verge of getting herself killed. 

Tossing his coffee cup, he runs towards her, skidding to a halt a few feet away. "Uh, hey," he calls out, keeping his voice deceptively casual and trying desperately not to envision her with the tongue of the plant wrapped around her arm, pumping poison into her system. "You might wanna watch yourself. Those mosquito traps are deadly."

"Yeah," she stands and turns around, a smirk on her face. "To mosquitos."

Gods above. Amusement looks good on her. But he can't encourage this. 

"They are poisonous to you," Akira corrects, hating how suddenly anxious he sounds. He can feign disinterest with the best of the fae, but those skills abandon him now. “Can you please get the fuck away from that thing?” 

"Why?” She laughs like she can't hear his desperation. Or she can hear it, and she's trying to fuckin' torture him.

“I have salt," she holds up a hand, flipping it back and forth so he can see that one side is covered in fine crystals. "But you look pretty salt-free my dude, so maybe you should back up."

“Me back up? I’m like ten feet away! And how do you know about using salt for a mosquito trap?”

"Sixam Mosquito Traps are related to cowplants, and cowplants hate salt," she shrugs, "They talked about it on this podcast I listen to.” Instead of taking a step away from the plant, like she has a care in the world for his godsdamned blood pressure, Alice moves closer. “Anyways, appreciate the concern, but I need this shot for class, and I already waited until the last minute."

Akira bites his tongue, willing himself not to completely lose his shit. Jacques is already aware of his interest and the worst thing you could do was have the Devil know what you wanted.

And yet, he can't seem to back up. Instead he finds himself demanding to know what her plan is while he glares so hard his headache returns.

"Just watch." Alice pulls out her camera and drops into a crouch. Gingerly, she holds out her hand. The tongue of the mosquito trap flicks out, speeding toward her. At the very last minute, she flips her hand over, snapping a picture before the tongue recoils and twists back into the plant. 

It's a masterful move. Akira has aged a thousand years just from watching it.

"Look!" she cries, finally leaving the plant alone so she can hold out her camera and show him the image in the viewfinder. "Got the shot. Tell me that was not completely badass!"

It's a good picture. Begrudgingly, Akira admits it. "What podcast did you hear all these plant tips on?"

"The 7 Wild Dates Recap show. They were in Selvadorada for an elimination challenge. Honestly, I wasn't even sure it would work."

She wasn’t even sure if it would work!?!?!??!?!

He can't do this.

Alice is certifiable.

She's the heroine in a novel who wanders into the dark forest even though everyone said: "don't go in the fucking forest."

If he pursues this, he will end up in a constant state of worry that she'll endure some bodily harm because mortals have laughably brittle bones. Keeping her alive in his world would be a nightmare.

And yet, when he opens his mouth, what comes out is: "Tell me you do not watch that dumbass show."

"I do," she cackles, "And you should too. Stick with me, kid, and you'll be drowning in scripted confessions from the most beautiful, selfish sims on the planet. I'm Alice, by the way."

She is smiling expectantly, but he knows his rules. He has them for a reason.

No real names.

"I'm Akira."

No unnecessary details.

"I'm also into plants. You're kind of standing near my garden."

And for the love of the gods, no fucking promises.

"And if this show is as good as you say, then I'll have to watch it."

PREV | NEXT

(Part 1 of 4)

If you prefer long-form, you can read the full chapter on my WordPress.

[macbooth]

full of childish whimsy in a hostile fashion tonight so here’s every shakespeare clown i can think of and whether or not i think i’d beat them in a fight

(i do not mean fools i mean clowns. they do not need to be the secret genius of the play. if they are stupid in every way shape or form i am including them here)

Puck (A Midsummer Night’s Dream) No chance. Bro’s got that magic and ALSO has a big strong scary fairy king as his bear, like, do not separate them. If I even tried throwing hands at this cunt I’d get torn to shreds and used as glitter dude, I’d be over. 0/10

Nick Bottom (A Midsummer Night’s Dream) I could but I’d feel bad. I also think he’d put up a really solid fight. Like this is out of donkey form, bro was a physical worker. Like I reckon I could win a fight with some of the tradies I’ve seen but I don’t think it’d be easy. Also he’s just really dumb so I would feel a little bad. Donkey form though, I’m running away. Scary as shit. I am afraid of horses though. 6.5/10

Touchstone (As You Like It) Absolutely I could beat the shit out of this man. I hate him so much. Full of hostility towards this fucker. His clothes aren’t even subtle I could find this bitch in the forest no time and hunt him down and rip him to shreds, fuckin court jester doesn’t even have the roughness of the country on his side. 9/10 (-1 point cause he definitely fights dirty but I just hate him so much I’d win)

Jaques (As You Like It) First off he’s absolutely a clown. Second off I’ve played him before so my word is gospel. Third off bro has no fucking chance against me. He’s a podcast bro who thinks I don’t know that Tame Impala is one dude. I’d ask him why we can’t print more money and he would explode instantly and it would be the funniest thing he did with his life. 10/10

Audrey & Corin (As You Like It) I’m lumping these two together cause in the show I did they were one character (and I also played them). I wouldn’t even want to fight these two. And even if I wanted to Audrey would absolutely be able to beat the shit out of me and I would thank her. Our setting was in semi-modern country Australia, that girl would have a shotgun. 2/10

Autolycus (Winter’s Tale) Just like Jaques to me. He might be a little bit harder because he’d change costume and I’d get confused because I have no object permanence but other than that what has he got. Bitterness? Resentment? Bitch so did I when I was 15 grow up experience love. 8/10

Falstaff (Henry IV parts 1 & 2, Merry Wives of Windsor) I don’t actually know about this one but he is very punchable. I feel like he’d let me punch him and I think one punch would be enough for me. I think that would satisfy my urge to punch him. He may be a knight but let’s be honest he’s shit at it so I stand by this. 4/10 (just cause I don’t really give a shit)

The Dromios (Comedy of Errors) I absolutely could beat them in a fight but I would feel So Bad. You see how they’re literally already treated in the play, I wanna give them a break. That being said they’re both kinda dicks but they’re going through it already so I’d wanna give them a breather. I would win though, even if they both were attacking at once. 7/10

Launcelot Gobbo (Merchant of Venice) He’s such a prick but I would be laughing too hard at his name to fight him. Bro’s name is Gobbo. Bro’s name is basically Gobby. Imagine being named Blowjob. I would lose my mind. I would laugh so so hard I would collapse. My heart would fail. Biggest L name out there bro. Launcelot Gobbo oh my god. 3/10

Launce (Two Gentlemen of Verona)  Nah man he has an attack dog. I don’t care what breed of dog Crab is in a production I fully believe he would kill for Launce, that’s just their dynamic. I understand them better than anyone else (I have a dog). Also he’s already working for Proteus, is that not punishment enough? 4/10

Speed (Two Gentlemen of Verona) I mean I definitely could fight him. I don’t imagine he’s got much fighting experience. But once again, he has to deal with Valentine which does feel like it would be cruel to inflict more onto him. Like Valentine’s not as bad as Proteus but fuck is he stupid. Also if I accidentally flubbed a punch Speed could absolutely tear me a new asshole with his words and I would sob and cry and literally never recover. 4/10

The Porter (Macbeth) Fuck no. Bro definitely has a knife on him at all times. I can’t explain why I think this I just do. He works night shift, he definitely doesn’t get paid enough for his dog shit job, he would absolutely try to stab me just to spice up his evening without me starting a fight. 1/10

Trinculo (Tempest) Yes. Sorry, you’re Russell Brand? L. I could kick your ass. And he’s like drunk for half the show, and almost fucked a fish. I doubt his judgement is good enough to say the alphabet backwards let alone dodge a punch. He couldn’t even get Caliban to kick my ass (who definitely could by the way) cause Caliban fucking hates him. Bro, failwife to Stephano should pay more. But it doesn’t. 8.5/10

Dogberry (Much Ado About Nothing) Without Verges? Yes. With Verges? No way. Those two are a power couple in the dumbest possible way. He would absolutely try to get me arrested though but I simply would not go to prison. What’s he gonna do? Send me to prison? I’m already not going. 7/10

Mercutio (Romeo and Juliet) No chance. Unless Romeo fucked up so bad like he did in the actual play, I would have no chance against this dude. I wouldn’t even want to even if I could. I’m a Benvolio stan first and foremost and a person second you think I’d wanna fight his bestie? Only exception is if it was an actual fight club and not just a pure fight out of hatred. I feel like Mercutio could give Brad Pitt Fight Club Realness, outfits included.  I would still lose though. 2.5/10

Don Adriano De Armado (Love’s Labour’s Lost) I reckon I could wreck this dude’s shit. You know that gif where the fuckin dude is doing all these cool sword moves and then he just gets shot? You know the one. I forgot where it’s from but you know the one. That would be this fight. Armado would bust out his flair, his razzle dazzle, his pizzaz, and I would just deck him I think. That’s the power you need in this world, I think. Power of fist to face. Peace and love. <3 8/10

Costard (Love’s Labour’s Lost) I do not think Costard would realise he was being fought even as he was actively getting hit in the face. I know how to say honorificabilitudinitatibus, he doesn’t even have that against me. Bro couldn’t even confuse me with that, I learnt that, like an adult. Anyway yeah I’d kick his ass. 9/10

Holofernes & Sir Nathaniel (Love’s Labour’s Lost) This is the same man to me. I would destroy them both. Fuckin nerds. Flowery ass language nerds. I support gay rights and gay wrongs but the only reason I couldn’t fight those two gay muppets who heckle is cause they’re too far away (in a theatre booth), these two gay muppets who heckle are right in front of me. I’d kick their tweed cladded asses. 10/10

Jaquenetta (Love’s Labour’s Lost) She is just like Audrey to me. I could never bring myself to hurt her. Also she’s pregnant and I feel like it’s fucked up to hit a pregnant woman just for fun. Also she could absolutely wreck my shit. Please wreck my shit Jaquenetta. 0.5/10

Moth (Love’s Labour’s Lost) This little fucker should be an INSTANT knock out but I just know this fucker bites. He’s a shit talking 8 year old? Oh he plays wolves on the playground, I just know it. He plays wolves and he’s definitely been suspended for it, I just know it in my heart. Sure, I could kick him, but he would grab hold of my foot and try to rip it off. We would shake hands and agree to part ways, having met our match. He, who plays wolves, and me, who played fairies, leave the fight with our heads high and respect in our hearts. I am kidding of course but I do think we would tie. 5/10

Lear’s Fool (King Lear) There’s already so much fighting going on, I don’t even think they’d notice if I just started kicking this dude. Not only could I fight him and win, I think I’d get away with it too. I’d win not only physically but socially too. What’s he gonna do? Tell his boss? Bro he’s preoccupied with his whole kingdom crumbling, grow up. 9/10

Lavatch (All’s Well That Ends Well) This is more meta but my hatred of this play would fuel me here. I would fight literally anyone in this play if given the chance, not a joke. I would get in the ring with literally anyone from this play, but honestly, out of them all I weirdly respect Lavatch the most, maybe because he at least knows that he’s a cunt, unlike literally everyone else who Just Suck. I do think he’s probably scrappy though, so I wouldn’t leave unscathed. I also think if he got the upper hand he would be so so awful about it, so I’d really have to fight. 6/10

Sir Toby Belch & Sir Andrew Aguecheek (Twelfth Night)  Andrew is canonically bad at fighting, and honestly I do not believe Toby would be any better. Love both of these guys but if I had to fight them both at once I think I would be able to just move out of the way and they’d bonk each other on the head like a cartoon. They’re just silly guys. 9/10

Maria (Twelfth Night) Every woman clown could beat my ass. Audrey, Jaquenetta, Maria, they are all so special to me and would all also fucking destroy me. Maria especially cause I just know she is full of hate. You don’t hatch a plan like the Malvolio plan unless there’s something deeply worrying about you. She’s a Scorpio to me. <3 I do love her, she’d demolish me. 0/10

Feste (Twelfth Night) Would actually kill me. -5/10

I know I’ve definitely missed some but uhhh don’t expect me to remember every clown even if I’m neurodivergent about these plays please. <3

[cybertron-smash-or-pass]

you know the transformers fan to objectum pipeline always blows my mind, particularly how short it is

Oh dude absolutely. This series is built for people to speedrun objectumization the same way space jam speed runs the furry pipeline.

Like. You get a whole metric fuckin of series to choose from with incredibly entertaining, distinctive, and well designed characters. There's variety in tone so the net gets cast to a really wide range. Most shows have good character writing so it's super easy to get attached. And since there's a lot of variance in design too, it's not particularly hard to find SOMEONE to be attracted to in robot form.

But you can't really ignore how they turn into vehicles. It's just an intrinsic part of their species, of their character. And it's really easy to go from "oh this is a weird novelty." To "man if I was dating this robot he could give me rides all the time haha" to "wouldnt it be nice to take a little nap in back of his altmode? He could even give me hugs by squeezing the seatbelt <3" to "oh dear god I'm attracted to a truck"

And it goes even further because not only do they turn into vehicles, but they're based off a toyline. It's so easy to get your hands on the figures, and more often than not in the current era of tf, they're built to be media-accurate. They capture the character and all their personality that you've come to love really well. Definitely helps that there's probably a figure for every possible fave you might have, well-known or wildly obscure. If you fantasize about snuggling up with shockwave, holding hands with acidstorm, or giving ratchet a lil forehead kiss, guess what! You can!

There are so many ways Transformers leads to objectum territory it almost feels intentional. Helps that the series has been for the weirdos since the start (like c'mon if they weren't trying to make the robots attractive they wouldn't have had two different bot on human romances in g1 alone), but its still very funny to think about.

[green-alien-turdz]

started autistically vibrating the second i read your answer lmfao. i was thinking cartman or tweek myself tbh, those bitches are both just PRIMED for it imo. i tend to lean towards a lot of abduction experiences being some kind of extreme reaction to other earthly trauma, but that really doesnt seem to fit every account so idk what the fuck is going on. god though dude *puts on homemade MUFON lanyard* i am SO SO SO CURIOUS to hear about your/your fam's weird experiences if you ever wanna share, i saw some questionable shit when i briefly lived out in Ohio myself. gone back and forth on the legitimacy of it all over the years, one of those things that's like, the more you research the less you Know.

Okay bro, I gotchu. I NEVER get to talk about this shit so imma fuckin go wild

Ight, so legit everybody in my mfin family got some shit to say- I tried to pry my brother's experiences outta him, but he is dogshit about answerin questions. Just know that he got some stories from when he would go campin n shit (even though he has funny ass stories from when he was outta his mind fucked up, there's still a lotta sober experiences he's got too)

1st, my dad: his stories are kinda vague too bcuz we don't talk, but from what he has told me in the past, he has 2 moments in his life he was certain was alien activity. Both of these take place in Texas (but when he was still livin in Ohio, he did say he'd seen some weird shit). The first is when he was movin to Oregon, n he was drivin late at night through Texas. Not a soul on the mfin road n he's in buttfuck nowhere. He said that there was this huge fuckin flash of light from above n his truck completely shut off. Like, the mf was still rollin at the same speed, but nothin it was like the car itself just kinda switched off (no engine, no lights, no music, nothin). He's tryin to start it up over n over, not really sure what the hell was goin on- so he's tryna pop the clutch seein as he was still movin. But this shit would NOT turn the fuck over. Until after he was gonna give up, slowly brake n just pull off to the side, but before he even attempted, the truck starts up again n continues on like nothin even happened.

His second experience I don't remember as well, so sorry about that. If I fuckin recall my dad n his band were just finishin up a show n were just chillin behind the bar smokin. One mf points out that there's this weird fuckin plane over some buildings on the horizon. Like, it just wasn't movin right? He said it seemed to be movin in a really slow zig zag pattern (but it wasn't like a drone, this this was way too big n it was the mid-90s). They kinda brush it off bcuz it's late as hell n they're all pretty shitfaced. But he said that it lasted in that area for about 10 more minutes, just movin back n forth until he looked away for a minute n it was just gone.

He's also told me about how on his late night drives in dead places, he's seen a shit load of random light infront of him shootin into the ground, n this is especially fuckin freaky to me bcuz I got a very similar thing that happened not that long ago. It's explained in my individual experience.

My mom n grandma: My gma might have some more, I feel like she had told me somethin. This one is backed by both my mom n my gma (although my uncle was here too, he just doesn't associate w/ the family so maybe he'd have some input). My gma used to drive from across the whole U.S. ALL the fuckin time when my mom was growin up, like they always had these roadtrips bcuz my gpa was an abusive pos n they'd escape back to my greatgrandparents place. So they're in the more of the desert states (like New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, I just can't remember which). My mom is probably about 10 or so. It's full on daylight, unlike every other story I got, this is the only one where it is broad fuckin daylight out. There's nothin but desert for miles, it's just a long beige stretch. So when my mom saw somethin just hoverin in the sky, it stuck out like a sore thumb. My mom calls it out, which causes everyone in the car to just watch it. My gma doesn't stop drivin, but she slowed down quite a bit, n she says that thing just fuckin sat there. Like, no movement whatsoever. It didn't look all that much like a plane, but they couldn't make out defined details. All they knew is that there is this plane adjacent aircraft just hoverin in the middle of the desert. They'd never seen anythin like it, despite all of them bein raised on military bases n seein a lot of kinds of military aircrafts (which is why this was ruled out). They kept drivin off but my mom said she just watched it through the window as it became smaller n smaller until it got too far away to see- but that shit never moved. It just remained hoverin in that same place.

Ight, Imma get into my experiences now, I got two with people n one that's on my own (that one is long as SHIT).

The first one is with me n my sisters (home in Oregon): This is around 2015-2016. It's the middle of the night in late April. We were chillin bcuz it was one of my sisters bdays n we were just talkin n watchin the stars. Now we live right next to an airport, so there are a shit ton of planes that go over, even late at night- but you can always tell those bcuz of the red lights n they're usually not that high up yet. We were just talkin tryin to find constellations bcuz it was a clear ass night. At some point we see these two lights. They're contained in these circular shadows WELL into the sky, but we could still make out a vessel that the light were on. 4 light on each circle. They're goin up n down the night sky back n forth completely parallel, so it seems like they're together. At first we were losin our shit, not able to explain what we were watchin. After some rational thought, we were like 'mfer we see satellites in the sky all the time, that's probably what these are' bcuz they were fuckin zoomin through the sky. We even see satellites pass over, but we kinda notice that they move n look a LOT different than the lights we were watchin. But every satellite's different yknow? That is until these mfs, the completely parallel movin in tandem lights all of a sudden both separate n go fuckin zoomin away from one another in the opposite direction. No longer up n down, but left n right. And then they're just fuckin GONE. Like, they sped off n never returned to the place they'd been for like 20 or so minutes. (Now I am willin to admit, that very well could be satellites, but it's still weird as fuck).

Here's one with me n my dad: This is around 2019. We were out in Utah, middle of the desert. This time it's probably closer to like 10-11pm. We were kinda just doin our own thing, sittin, thinkin about shit. When outta the fuckin blue, we notice this weird ass aircraft. Like, it low flying, large enough to be a fuckin cargo plane (doesn't look like one though), n movin super slow with a BRIGHT fuckin light slowly phasin in n out, illuminatin the craft. We're both losin our shit watchin this bcuz neither of us know what the fuck we're lookin at. Now this this was low enough that, if it were a plane, we would've heard it. But it was movin at the same speed which planes always appear to be when they're thousands of feet into the sky. But this was maybe 200 or less feet up. It was a really thick, aircraft that was slightly triangular in shape, but still pretty bulky. We couldn't see any engine or shit like that. We are legit fuckin shoutin like mad men, chasin this thing. At some point we try to call over the rest of the family, but we're slowly losin our visual on this thing. Everyone else is tryna look in the sky as my dad n I make a mad dash tryna keep an eye on it as it went behind some structure. But the second we got to a place where it should've been seen on the other side, based on its flight path, this thing was fuckin gone. Like, nowhere in the sky. It was like it was never there. To this day not sure what the fuck we were watchin bcuz we followed it for a good while, just for it to vanish.

Okay, now onto my final encounter (warning, this is a LONG mf bcuz it just happened in January, so it's fresh on my mind): I had decided to drive out to Sauvi island at like 1 am because I really wanted to go out and watch the water. But it was like the foggiest night in existence. It was during that period in January where every night was covered in this thick, heavy fog. I wasn't gonna let that stop me though. Even if I could barely see the road and almost crashed like 5 different times, I was determined. The drive itself was kinda ominous, but shit didn't start gettin weird until I actually reached Sauvi's. The second I reach the island, something just feels off instantly. I mean, no one's on the road of course, it's late, it's foggy. But I mean, it was DEAD. There was an alarming amount of roadkill everywhere (like fresh roadkill), and the entire island reeked of fuckin death, skunk, and mold. So I keep fuckin driving and just get the sense that someone was following me, like on my ass tailing me, but there wasn't any other cars or nothing. But I had the window down and swear I could hear some shit close to me. I'm driving and manage to miss my turn off to the beach. Here's where shit genuinely starts getting weird. Lights. Unexplainable lights ALL over. Now if this was a more populated area, I would assume some of this was street lamps, but the island doesn't really have that many (they have them in front of some buildings, but the roads are lightless). I kept seein "headlights" coming around turns that didn't exist. And when I should've been passing them, there was nothing there and the lights were gone. Okay, weird, but maybe it was my headlights reflection on the fog. Then I see fuckin taillights. I get confused because it looks like a car going up a hill, and I brushed it off before realizing that it was a wide open, flat road, and there was no hill or car in sight. I watched the lights turn into nothing and they were gone. At this point, I'm freaked out, but I'm still finding my way back to the beach. I manage to loop back around to the entrance of Sauvi's so I can take the right turn this time. When I tell you that the smell is worse and I even notice more roadkill. I would've seen any other cars on the road, but there was fuckin no one. And I know damn well that I wasn't the one who hit them. But I brush that off because I'm every white person in a horror movie. Not too long after, I saw the final unexplainable light I'd see that night. There was this small-ish, but abnormally bright light just kinda bobbing up and down infront of this post. I assumed it was some weird reflective thing, but as I approached it, it went up and then shot into the ground- the light completely disappearin into the ground. After I saw this, the feelin of bein chased was at a 100%, like I was stressin. I finally took the right turn, and there's this one fuckin shadow in the fog that I'm TELLING you looked like this tall fucking figure walking about. I legit stopped dead in my tracks to watch it, but this feeling of dread came over me, and I sped off. I finally make it to the beach, but I think I stayed for maybe 5 minutes or less? There was an extremely menacing feeling. Like it was THICK. I couldn't see the water it was so fogged out. I mean, it was beautiful. But it truly felt like I was being watched. There was little to no sound until I heard coyotes fucking EVERYWHERE. Like an insane amount. I head back to the car and they seem to shut up. I absolutely dipped the fuck outta there.

Now it is important to note with Sauvi's that there is maybe a supernatural element into that. Seein as Sauvi's, like most of Oregon n the U.S. was home to Native Americans (Chinook Indians specifically) n as we know, mfs just weren't allowed catch a break (to put things lightly). So there is more than likely some unrest in the energies n life of the island.

But yeah, there's a small collection of experiences in my family. I'd LOVE to hear your shit from Ohio. That place has some strange shit goin on there, like genuinely. Everytime I went to vist my dad's mom, that place just feels like somethins goin on there

[nerves-nebula]

Okay so Donnie at the end is a little OOC, but I figured this would happen a long ways down the line, after they were beginning to recover, and he’s gotten some more self-confidence. Pair that with “siblings potentially in danger” and I think it’s justified? I hope you like.

——

Their therapist liked to tell them that it was okay to have moments of immaturity. It was fine to indulge in childish things because it’s not as if they’d had time for it as children.

“You’d be surprised how many adults still love things geared towards younger audiences.”

This was the excuse Leo gave himself.

He was just embracing his childish side.

Donnie had said that the “Shell-mobile” as Mikey had dubbed it was technically road-worthy. He was still working in it, though, wanting it to work as a mobile command center for them when they were scouting or ninja-ing.

All Leo heard was “We have a car now.”

Technically, Raph and Donnie were the only ones with licenses. They had immediately gotten them when they’d officially moved to the Hidden City, just in case. So, technically, Raph and Donnie were the only ones who could legally drive the Shell-mobile.

However, Leo and Mikey still had learner’s permits and were allowed to drive as long as someone with a license was with them in the car, so this should be fine.

Leo slammed the gas, laughing hysterically as the junker van surged forward, tearing down the road as Mikey and Raph clung to their seats. It was exhilarating, the freedom of driving at ridiculous speeds. They’d pulled off the main road, of course, avoiding any major traffic (Leo was impulsive, not stupid), that way they’d be less likely to run into any cops.

The handling on the van was less than optimal. It swerved and Leo could swear he’d pulled them up onto just two wheels at least three times.

“Faster, Leo!” Mikey screamed, throwing his hands in the air as they took a sharp turn, “Donnie’s gonna fuckin’ kill us!”

Raph’s scream was far less excited, “Screw Donnie, LEO is gonna kill us! At least slow down for the turns, you’re gonna crash!”

“You can’t tell me what to do!” Leo laughed maniacally, popping the handbrake to drift them around another sharp corner. There was no way in hell he was slowing this vehicle until Raph either threw up or passed out.

“LEO LOOK OUT!” Raph shrieked (rather high pitched and girly if you asked Leo).

Mikey’s laughter also died down as the van slammed into something, thudding a few times. Leo slammed on the brakes, skidding them to a stop, the smell of burnt rubber quickly filling the air.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” Raph made to grab at the door handle, but his hands shook too much to get a proper grip. Leo leaned over to help, letting Raph out to get some air.

He and Mikey also got out, all of them turning to see the hunched form of a cat yokai in the middle of the road.

“I’m gonna be sick.” Raph whined.

They approached the yokai carefully, unsure if he was even alive.

“Oh my God, Leo.” Mikey punched his shoulder, “You fucking hit someone.”

“It was an accident!”

“I’m so not testifying for you in court, dude. Lock her away, Your Honor! This woman is a certified-“

Coughing interrupted him.

“Oh fuck, he’s alive.” Raph put himself between the body and his brothers, “Can you hear us?”

The yokai groaned, slowly lifting his head. He was definitely not doing good, his face was scratched to shit and one of his eyes wouldn’t open.

“D-Donnie?” The yokai asked.

The trio froze.

No one spoke for a solid minute.

The yokai collapsed back to the pavement.

“How did he-“

“Could he be-“

“Abe?”

The yokai’s ears twitched.

Donnie, back when they began training their ninpo, had done experiments about telepathy. He’d done tons of tests, both in safe and dangerous environments. He had definitively told them all that, thankfully, their blood line did not mean that they could read each other’s minds. He surmised that any “telepathy” the others thought they had was just them being able go understand one another and know how the other would react to circumstances due to their prolonged exposure to one another.

However, in that moment, the trio only had to exchange one look before they all turned back, going back go the Shell-mobile. They buckled up, fixed the mirrors, and Leo turned them around.

Thump

Thump

The drive back home was far less exciting than the drive out to the edge of town, but the adrenaline still ran through their veins. Leo parked the van, smiling to himself as he saw Donnie storming into the garage.

“Wh-what did you d-d-do?!” Donnie looked over the van, “Of all th-the reckless, kn-knuckleheaded- you realize I can remote tr-track the van’s sp-speedometer, right?”

“Oh, no, I didn’t know that.” Leo smiled, “That’s really cool, Don.”

Donnie paused a moment, “I- hey, wait! You can’t distract me w-with compliments!”

Mikey nodded, “Yeah, that’d be underhanded.”

Raph agreed, “You can yell at us, Don, go ahead.”

Donnie’s ire seemed to sizzle out as he looked over his siblings. They all just stood there, politely waiting to get yelled at…

“Have you been body snatched?”

Leo laughed, “That’s a good one. No, no, we’re us. You can run some tests if you wanna be sure.”

“Hey, Don, why don’t I make your favorite tonight?” Raph smiled, coming forward to put a hand on Donnie’s back, guiding him back into the complex, “You can yell at us while I cook.”

“And you can tell us about how you track the Shell-mobile!” Mikey grinned, bouncing beside him as they headed in.

—

It wasn’t until years and years later, after all was said and done, that any of the three of them broke their unspoken vow.

——

And there we go! Originally I wasn’t gonna have them hit him with a car, but that idea was too fuckin funny to pass up.

-Monster Anon

Can We Utilize Unsafe Driving For The Better? More at 11 !!

them being weirdly nice and polite to Donnie afterwards is so funny to me lmao.

[strandedaylily]

EPIC thunder saga spoilers!! Don’t mind me I’m just gonna go insane rq

FIRST OF ALL. OH MY GOD DUDE PENELOPE I WAS SO CONFUSED DURING THE ENTIRETY OF SUFFERING

AND THEN THE REVEAL THAT THEY WERE SIRENS

AND GOODNESS GRACIOUS ODYSSEUS YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT HE REALLY IS BECOMING A MONSTER ….. RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES (AND HE’S TAKING IT TO HEART)

SCYLLA SCARES ME 😭 CHILLS MAN THE WAY SCYLLA KEPT COMPARING ODYSSEUS TO A MONSTER LIKE HER IM INSANE IM ABSOLUTELY INSANE RIGHT NOW

BUT THE REAL MVP IS MUTANTY

THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE CREW STABBED ODYSSEUS LIKE 😭 I THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA THROW HIM OVERBOARD OR SMTH

ODYSSEUS GETTING KNOCKED OUT AND TIED UP BY HIS OWN CREW

HIM BEGGING EURYLOCHUS TO NOT KILL THE COWS IM

EURYLOCHUS CALLING HIM “ODY”………. NOT SIR OR CAPTAIN BUT ODY FUCKIN ODY IM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE RIGHT NOW AND EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING HE STILL TRIES TO REASON WITH ODYSSEUS 🦈🦈🦈

THE LUCK RUNS OUT REVERSAL AND ODYSSEUS PLEADING FOR EURYLOCHUS TO LISTEN ….. 😭 I LITERALLY CANT DUDE ACTUAL CHILLS

THE SCARIEST “FULL SPEED AHEAD” I’VE EVER HEARD

ZEUS GETS THE AWARD FOR MOST UNCOMFORTABLE ANALOGY OF THE YEAR 🪦🎉

GODDDDDDD ODYSSEUS HAVING TO CHOOSE ??????? BETWEEN HIM AND HIS CREW ???????? THATS SO AWFUL AUGHHHH I CANT EVEN OH MY GODDDDD I CANT 💔💔💔💔💔

ANYWAYS IM LYING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN TEARS RIGHT NOW 🫡

[moxijunk]

Okay okay first of all I'm never ever going to be able to be normal abt the way you draw TKITN I'm. I'm losing my MIND dude the north au? Oh I have so little idea whats happening but I'm kinda putting it together I think (I have no idea where the au started) but I'm just. Its so cool. Its so fuckin cool. Gnawing on the north au like a chew toy oh my GOD its so cool. Also again your TKITN design is nuts dude.

Oh, what a great segue to talk about the basis of this au (mainly cause there's a LOT of lore and scenes in this that, oml dude, IT'S A LOT TRUST ME, all kinds of things happen, and it gets,,, crazy and I can't explain everything, there is spoilers A LOT OF THEM THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT)

So for an introduction to this madness (I apologize in advance for all the reading):

This is an au based around Tkitn being possessed by an entity called "The North", y'know, the person you see with the glowy yellow eyes. The North is an entity of the North itself and also [REDACTED], and had ended up possessing Legundo because [REDACTED, no spoilers about this scene yet] Whenever you see tkitn with said yellow eyes (I call them "star eyes") that is when he is fully possessed by the North. Even when he's not currently being possessed, tkitn has this entity inside his body at all times. They're stuck stuck together. With that said, they even have a partial possession over tkitn when the North doesn't fully possess him (they can slip their own words out of tkitn's mouth, sometimes making it seem like tkitn said those words, even if he didn't -most of the time, tkitn is aware of the words, sometimes he has no idea what the North said- On the other hand, the North could also prohibit tkitn from saying anything at all, restricting his ability to speak, if they don't want to hear/allow tkitn to say the things he's gonna say. Also, the North can have some control of tkitn's body when they're partially possessing him. (There's some fun scenes with that) Like when tkitn found out about the possession, he wanted to tell his people about it, but the North basically was like "no".)

The entire North is classified as Their Domain

Tkitn's own morals don't fully agree with the North itself

The North sort of has a bit of a bloodlust, along with being a really good fighter. To the ordinary person, it seems like tkitn is absolutely wrecking people in the battlefield, when in reality, tkitn's skill set does not match up with the North's at all. The North has plenty of supernatural abilities, being an entity and all.

(I give credit to @betweenlands for being the one to help me make the next two bullet lists)

1.) List of the North's abilities (there's more than just this, but this is what has been spoiled/leaked to either a group and/or a single person, mostly being friends of mine):

Supernatural speed/strength/resiliency when possessing someone

Can compel other people (that they aren't possessing) to do things no matter how hostile that person may be to them

Can pull the person they're possessing into a sort of dreamscape they have complete control over if/when their host becomes unconscious (this does include when tkitn is asleep)

Able to rummage around their hosts mind, and memories (can fuck up things in tkitn's mind if they really wanted to, fun scenes with this)

Has weather and ice magic abilities (the post with the words "stuck in the permafrost" as a little example) can control the weather in the North

Truesight

Telepathy with tkitn

Surely this counts -> Being able to physically exhausted tkitn's body (as in, as long as they're in possession of tkitn for any amount of time, literally all of time, even, they wouldn't have to eat, or drink, or any of the survival necessities, but when they unpossessed tkitn, tkitn would feel exhausted because of all that time not doing the necessities, like a status thing rather than a physical thing, if that makes sense)

And the rest are [REDACTED]

2.) Characterization lists (from what @betweenlands knows of my au so far, they can put characterization details into words/phrasing better than I can, so I'm using the information that they know of them so far)

The main characters - Tkitn, The North, Grady, Viking (there's also traits for everyone else, but I will not get into it at said time)

TKITN:

outwardly friendly, generally approachable, usually goes with the flow, but has his stubborn moments

Tactically minded, slow to trust people and a little bit paranoid

Not much interested in power, but wants to do right by his people and is a pretty good leader

Cold and intimidating in certain situations/all the other kingdoms kind of fear the north (similar to how they do in the video)

Generally avoids killing people when at all times possible, prefers negotiation (how can you grow your forces when everyone is dead?), decent at combat, but isn't his strong suit

As more time passes, they seemed to have more beef with the North killing people than he does with them possessing him (cause they had time being stuck with one another, so tkitn got used to the whole "possession thing". In the beginning, this was completely different)

rest of the details are [REDACTED]

THE NORTH:

Generally cold and reserved in demeanor, speaks slightly more formally

Stubborn

Grumpy, wants the other kingdoms off their domain, would literally stab someone as a warning

Thinks they know better than everyone, isn't as condescending as they could be, not as subtle as they think they are

Can and will make whatever decision they think is correct without running it by other people first, up to and including murder

Does care about people, but tends to hide the full extent of those emotions

Generally tries to keep their existence a secret at first

rest of the details are [REDACTED]

GRADY:

Knows about the North (the post with "your secret's safe" as a little example)

Has something to do with the North being there in the first place. The exact details of that scene are [REDACTED]

Over time learns to care a lot about both tkitn and the North, wants them both to be alright

Usually pretty boisterous and cheerful, but has his serious moments (especially around the North)

Most of his thoughts and actions are unwillingly (north has a certain type of control over them)

His thoughts don't match his actions (the tnau post with Grady and the white words for example)

rest of the details are [REDACTED]

VIKING:

Knows about the North due to an altercation between the two of them (the post with "your secret's out" as a little example) , thinks Legundo is keeping the North secret on purpose and intentionally lying to the rest of the northerners about his powers, aware the North threatened to kill him (also the two page snippet as a great example)

Seems to have wanted to trust Legundo before finding out about this (as with many Vikings) he seems to have a weird idea of what being "friends" with people entails, still, as far as is known, he was very loyal to Legundo before The Incident

Isn't human, but has been seemingly keeping that fact pretty low-key, is a bit spoopy

Is a shape shifter. Only has one human form, and can shape shift into various different animals willingly. Has tried to shape shift into someone else before, but would just end up looking like a monstrous glob with his inability to shape shift into other people

Very, very observant

Loves to snoop, surprisingly good lair

rest of the details are [REDACTED]

(once again want to thank @betweenlands for letting me use their words/phrasings/speculations for this)

Any questions, comments, concerns, you know where to put them :) I may or may not have missed a few things that I wanted to say/spoil, buts that's alright. It's a good basis anyways.

[warringwarrioridiot]

"They was asking for it"

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR?? A BIG FAT BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL AT FULL SPEED MAX ISTG

Mfs like this need to take a long walk off of a short cliff cus if I EVER catch them I'm gonna commit some good old fashion homicide.

If you say things like "You should've enjoyed it" or "at least you got some" I'm tracking your IP and shoving ten cacti in your anal hole and/or vagina.

"game is game 🤪"

You need to shut your ketchup stain, Junkrat main, micro brain, aluminium chain, ankle sprain, CHOCOLATE RAIIIIN, with your runny nose dirty toes lick hobos cOwAbUnGa BrOs, Dude, I want you to look at your entire life. All your life choices. And tell me when you had an original idea in your brain. Your ass got kicked out and disowned and you started aggressively tapping the home button on your IPhone "Oh, help. Why is it not working?". YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS LIKE A NARUTO FILLER EPISODE, MY BOY! YOUR PRANKS ARE AS REPETITIVE AS THE AD "Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper" YOUR BRAIN IS JUST AS REAL AS THE LOVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FOR YOU! YOUR GRANDMA GAVE BLING BLING BOY A LAP DANCE FOR PAY DAY. Wait hold on! *Punch punch punch* GIVE ME THE MONEY YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST ROBBED YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST HIT A LICK ON YOUR GRANDMA, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! SHE POOR AS HELL NOW! YOU PUT A BALLOON ON YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHT IT WAS A DURAG! YOU LIKE RONALD MCDONALD FROM OHIO! "HEYA KID! YOU WANT A BIG MAC?!" WHEN YOU WALK DOWNSTAIRS YOUR WHOLE HOUSE STARTS RUMBLING! YOU BRING THE POWER OF EREN YEAGER AND 37 COLOSSAL TITANS DOWN YOUR STAIRCASE! AFTER YOU EAT DINNER YOU EAT THE PLATE AND THEN YOU EAT THE TABLE AS WELL! CHOMP CHOMP! YOU RENT OUT THE GAP BETWEEN YOU TEETH AS A PARKING SPACE FOR ANTS! YOU LOOK EMO ASF "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING!" LOOK AT YOUR NOSE YOU HAVE TWO MARIO PIPES COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD! YAHOO! LET'S A GO! THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO FINDING NEMO BASED OFF YOUR ASS CALLED "LOCATING CHROMOSOMES! IN THEATRES THIS JULY!" YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A RAT LIVING UNDER YOUR BED IN A PRINGLES CAN! YOU POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT A JAMAICAN CRICKET GIVING YOU A LAP DANCE IN THE BACK OF TOYS R US! YOU TORTURED AN ANT BY TYING HIM TO YOUR BUTTHOLE AND FARTING ON HIM! I HAVE MORE ROASTS YOU KNOW! YOUR GRANDMA IS A DARK SOULS BOSS CALLED "THE WRINKLE!

EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh.

It's actually so fucking sad these people still exist in 2024.

Istg misogynists and forced birth extremists and rapists are the most atrociously ugliest love-lacking idiots.

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I rest my fucking case, your honor. Kill every single one of these people before I do it myself.