#god I’ve been terrible abt posting on here

[battii-art]

Cuddles after flyer derby practice

[ficcidio]

YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL

pairing: fiancé!hyunjin x fem!reader

genre: comfort, fluff, a little suggestive in the end

warnings: insecurities, problems with food & feeling guilty after, swear words

a/n: hii, i’ve never written abt hyunjin so i hope i did well! i’m sorry i didn’t post in so long i’ve just been struggling a lot lately and i couldn’t find the energy + this was written at 1 am sorry if smth doesn’t make sense (not proofread yet) 😭 also please read the note at the end, it’s very important

ᯤ now playing: young and beautiful by lana del rey

— 시작

your body started panicking as you felt everyone’s eyes on you. you looked around the room, trying to figure out the reason. was it your makeup? or did you eat too much? your dress probably looked horrible on you too. it was all of them, maybe. you started to walk, looking for you fiancé, hyunjin, who was nowhere to be found. he had left you alone in the middle of the party with all those unknown people.

as you moved you heard a group of people calling your name “y/n! come here” “y/n, come talk with us” “y/n!” “y/n!” you tried to escape but suddenly one of your old friends caught your wrist and made you approve her and her husband.

“wow, you look really different” she said “did you gain weight?” she asked as if that wouldn’t hurt you “yeah, i guess…” you whispered trying not to cry. it was the third time they said this to you tonight and you were started to get anxious. why did they only look at your body? why couldn’t they talk about your success?

“oh, that’s good too eh! i didn’t mean it in a bad way” she tried to fix it, but you were already overthinking. you didn’t want her to pity you. “look, i really have to go, it was nice to see you, bye” you answered quickly as you ran away, trying to look for hyunjin.

when you finally found him, you sighed in relieve and ran to him. thank god he was alone, you wouldn’t be able to bear with any other comment about you. as you ran, he looked at you, confused by your worried eyes and desperate speed to get to him. “what’s wrong, my love?” he asked gently, trying to calm you down. he knew something was off as soon as he saw you. “let’s go home” you whispered as you clung onto him.

“why?” he waited for an answer but it didn’t come. you didn’t want to explain yet, because you knew if you talked, your eyes would fill up with tears and you���d start to cry desperately. “let’s just go, please, hyunjin” your cracked voice told him everything he needed to go home. that’s when he decided to say goodbye to some people near him and he ran with you to the car. he quickly started driving without any words.

you felt bad because you knew he was really excited to come to this party, and you made him go home for a stupid reason. it had been 10 minutes in the car and you were still far from home. the way he didn’t say a word made you feel terrible, was he angry? did he really get mad at you? it wasn’t your fault. or was it? did you exaggerate it too much?

“i’m sorry i ruined your night” you whispered, trying to stop yourself from breaking down in front of him. 

“ruin my night?” he asked gently, which surprised you “yeah-“ you tried to continue “you didn’t ruin my night, if you’re uncomfortable then i have to take care of you, and you didn’t seem very happy. it was getting boring, anyway.” he stated as be continued to drive. a single read fell down your cheek but you wiped it as soon as you noticed it. you couldn’t let him see you in that state. “thank you…”

you spent the rest of the drive home silent, and when you got to your place you ran to your bedroom as fast as you could, leaving him confused in the entrance, though he followed you seconds later. when you got to you room you almost immediately broke down, falling on the bed and letting your tears fall continuously without thinking that your boyfriend may hear you. you really didn’t want him to know, really, but you couldn’t help being loud while remembering all those things everyone said to you hours before. after all you went through, every meal you didn’t eat, every tear, every time you yelled at someone because they wanted you to eat, every time you fainted, all that for nothing at all? you suffered so much, you really thought you got better but they made it look as it was nothing with all the anger and sadness you felt with their comments.

you felt his hands grab your waist and try to turn you around for you to look at him, but you refused to let him see your red eyes. “baby, please talk to me” he said gently while he rubbed your back. you finally acceded, but you hid your face on the crook of his neck. “love…” he started, but he didn’t get to finish the sentence because you cut him off “why do they always have to comment on my body as if i don’t see myself in the mirror every fucking day” he separated you from his body so he could look at you. your eyes connected and his showed his worry and care.

“what did they say?” he asked as he brought to back into his chest. you didn’t answer, letting your sobs be heard “y/n, what did they say?” he questioned again, while he patted your hair “they said i looked worse, they said i gained weight…” you whispered with embarrassment “everyone’s eyes were on me, hyunjin, everyone was staring at how bad i looked” he was about to let his jaw fall to the floor but he stopped himself as it wasn’t what you needed right now. he was so shocked, because in his eyes you were more than beautiful. how could someone think that dress looked bad on you? god, he almost died when he saw you in that gorgeous black dress.

“bad? you looked stunning, y/n” he answered, speechless at how you talked about yourself “you’re saying that because–“ he cut you off as you did before “i’m saying that because that’s how it is, i’d say that if we were friends, strangers or even enemies, because you looked like a work of art. you always do.” he answered sweetly. your sobs where barely audible now as you has calmed yourself hearing his voice. now all that was left was your breathing. you looked at him with a smile, still with puffy eyes and hugged him again. “thank you…” you muttered “it’s fine, darling, you don’t have to thank me” hyunjin promised

“i was scared i would have to go through everything again” you justified yourself, but it wasn’t necessary now. “shh, you won’t, not as long as i’m here. don’t ever say that about yourself again, mhm, beautiful?” he kissed your forehead and continued “god, i don’t know how anyone could ever think that way about you, i almost couldn’t control myself when i saw you” he said, making you blush and you hit him lightly “shut up, dumbass” you said, still hiccuping from the intense crying but laughing, and he did the same.

he put you into the bed an caressed your hair until you felt tired and wanted to sleep. you had wasted too much energy already, you felt so exhausted. “princess, if someone every says anything like that to you again, tell me and i’ll make sure they never say that again” he whispered.

“i love you”

…

“i love you more.

—

A/N: hello so, i wanted to talk about the struggles with food as someone who’s had an eating disorder for six years. if any of you struggles with food, please look for help. remember that food helps us, without food we’d be dead. you need to eat, it’s necessary. please don’t give a fuck about other peoples opinion, because they don’t know the real you, and they don’t know what’s really going on. to stop eating is bad in so many ways, your health will worsen, you as a person will change and you will lose people. i’m talking from experience, with my ed i lost a lot of friends, i fought with everyone and i was always in a bad mood.

throughout my life i have been judged by everyone because of my body and valued without thinking about my personality, my intelligence or my maturity. some people only care about your looks, that’s true, but you mustn’t be embarrassed for the body you have, because good people will know you’re worth much more than just what they see. you’re not your body, you’re your favorite song, your favorite film, that melody you sing in your head when you’re bored, you’re that quote in a book you once read and never forgot of. you’re that time you helped someone who needed it, that sunrise you once saw, your favorite clothes. you’re your favorite flavor, your favorite season, your favorite singer, your favorite color. you are what you like, not how you look like. so please, eat what you crave and don’t restrict any foods. i love you for who you are. and if you’re struggling, my dm’s are always open, don’t be scared to ask for help. i love you, unconditionally.

[proxythe]

without spoiling anything i will say. im going to have to put an FES/portable modlist together because good lord i cannot have reload-answer being the one people experience the most........they fumbled it SO BAD

LMFAOOOO im actually so glad i’m the person u came to abt this opinion like does anyone hate reload as much as i do.

(and to anyone who’s ready to die behind reload, im sorry + dont read this post)

anyways yeah. i havent played the answer (reload) yet but i saw the yukamitsu dialogue and i just have never been so glad that i was one of the people who hated reload as soon as the initial leak came out 😭 never having hope for this remake has saved me from being so massively disappointed by all the changes they made !! but i am still just as irritated that they wont just do the lines exactly as they are from the original like lmfaoo please stop trying to put your own spin on it!!! it’s terrible every time!!!!!!!!!

i’m not sure if anyone else shares this opinion and idk if i’ve ever even said it on here but it was one of my biggest problems playing thru reload for the first time and it was that it felt like the protagonist was on SUCH a pedestal (in the original p3 i never felt like he was being gassed up as much as they were doing with him in reload). my ick falls perfectly in line w that yukamitsu scene that i saw. like lmfaooo yeah this shit is ass

god i seriously hate reload i am so fuckin sorry yall 😭

[beehiveofblorbos]

hey, intro post time? why not.

You can call me Bee, Beehive, Oriole, something, im not really particular lol.

edit as of November 2024:

Well, I’m into the Magnus Archives too now I guess??? God it’s been such a long time since I’ve had so many obsessions in close succession. Again, UnO is uh still here!! I’ve just been venting it on my Ao3 XD so it’s more contained now. Genshin is also Very Much Here and so’s Danganronpa but neither of them are very primary right now. I also post for Miraculous Ladybug and MHA somewhat infrequently; will be moreso once I get caught up with both. Some fandoms I’m less engaged in but excited to interact w still are PJO, ATLA, Saiki K, and AssClass.

I read fanfic write fanfic draw fanart and basically breathe all things fandom. Sometimes I drop au concepts, sometimes I post analyses or just rando thoughts, I’m all over the place pretty much. My queue rolls at all hours and I use it Liberally

finally, some help navigating my blog!

general tags

these aren’t law, i was around too long before deciding to clean things up to really commit to this but it’s a good start + explains some of my weirder tags

dr/genshin fanart: fandom art tags

some tagging conventions I use for my bigger faves, in case you’re looking for someone specific (or want to filter out someone specific? as you like lol):

ouma kokichi

genshin venti

furina de fontaine

kaede akamatsu

tsumugi shirogane

yuki maeda (also could be under dra yuki, sdra2 yuki)

makoto naegi

john unordinary

longposts to come

Angie Yonaga + Tsumugi Shirogane; Watsonian creation of a character who believes in a false god

Mikako Kurokawa: the great, the good, the bad, the terrible

Makoto Naegi: an extended analysis (as promised per Makoto v Kyouko in the 2024 DR Character Tournament)

Blyke (UnOrdinary) and Why He Matters

posts im proud of:

Genshin:

On Ludi Harpastum

https://www.tumblr.com/beehiveofblorbos/755418905802096640/at-this-point-ludi-harpastum-makes-me-nervous-at

Is Venti really Barbatos?

Danganronpa:

What I Love vs What’s Best For It

Maizono Sayaka: birthday art + analysis

UnOrdinary:

Miraculous Ladybug:

[clarabowmp3]

I still see parts of the fandom who should know better (late 20's to early 30's) still linking everything back to Joe Alwyn some crazy how like it's almost funny. It's also funny how parts of the fandom are still ignoring most of TTPD Main and the implications of those lyrics. We're just skipping over Matty Healy and it's either Joe Alwyn every weekend or Travis Kelce all weekend and ignoring most of TTPD the album. I feel bad for her. She released this unhinged unexpected album and yet none of her fans have truly engaged with it.

Oh yeahhh I unfollowed a lot of those blogs/their mutuals a while back just so I wouldn’t have to see those kinds of posts ahah. A little minor of a point and I’m not pointing fingers but one of my least favourite parts of the tumblr swiftie culture is how normalised bullying is here. Because that’s what all those joe alwyn posts are, bullying. It’s not fun or quirky or silly when someone is suffering/having a hard time because of that kind of dehumanising treatment. What’s bitterly hilarious is how this sometimes extends to taylor too, like they don’t see the people in the taylor swift cinematic universe as actual real life people with feelings. That’s why I mostly stick to my mutuals save for the one or two good eggs still out there

And ur so right abt the selective recognition of ttpd. I feel like each person focuses/magnifies parts of the albums to fit their own agenda, eg twisting so long london/fresh out the slammer into joe making her MISERABLE and TRAPPING her (like she’s not a 30+ year old woman herself…but go off ig). I think the main reason is just that there’s no coming back from ttpd with how open she is about some pretty messed up things she’s done, ie matty Healy. When rumours about them dating first started and all the awful things he’s done were being discussed, there was a reason why everyone (on swiftie tumblr) was hoping and praying it was all false. Those songs about him make her look embarrassingly self-centered and I feel like we all glossed over the fact that she hates him now mostly cuz he broke her heart, NOT because he’s a terrible person. Even now, the main reason why most “cupcake” swifties act like matty healy never happened or smth is cuz of how much taylor has talked about him making her happy, which apparently absolves him of any wrongdoing (???). When the alternative is to admit that your fave is acting almost inexcusably petulant and self-absorbed, it’s easy to just close one eye to the more unsavoury parts of ttpd.

I rmb when ttpd first dropped there was like a ripple of shock imo? I’ve been online for other album releases but raving abt ttpd felt a little stilted (prob cuz of how jaw-droppingly ummmm Not Good it was) like the dash was quietttt.

Also, once again, god forbid a woman be more than the men in her life

[dykevanny]

Do you have any hcs abt indigo and gregory post game you wanna share? I just think they're neat VHDHV

ohh big time. But before that I’ve gotta talk about how they met.

You see in a panicked state, knowing malhare would kick her to the arcade game, vanessa left a very ominous text to indigo stating that something terrible would happen and vanessa can’t stop it, bla bla bla. However it was indigo’s day off! In fact she was hanging out with louis and cat knitting strange contraptions, so indigo only saw it halfway through the night, and busted ass to get to the plex like ASAP however she was a bit late, and malhare was already in total control of Vanessa’s body. indigo spent a while looking around and eventually bumped into freddy! Great news! She goes up to greet him, asking what’s been going on and why the plex is suddenly crazy town, but then overhears… a small voice from inside his stomach hatch? so she meets gregory, who is intimidated at first because WHO is this whole other adult is she going to attempt murder on me too. Turns out no! This is freddy’s human BFF and she’s here to help! Indigo wants to keep this kid safe, but is very impressed at his apparent mastery over robotics. Gregory is still a bit wary but is willing to trust indigo.

postgame is. Well they all got out of the plex. Gregory and Ness enlisted Indigo’s help to modify a helpy doll for Freddy’s new portable body. Gregory and Indigo also work on stuff together, just making basic little robots since Greg shows a lot of interest and Indigo wants to help him learn about stuff he’s interested in :] they def got a lot closer. Doesn’t mean Greg isn’t above teasing her and ness though lol.

in fact they bully each other a lot<3 jokingly ofc but still

Indigo is also Cassie’s older cousin though. Post-elevator ending Gregory is going to have a lot of guilt over not being able to get Cassie out of there, oh god what happened the radio signal was hijacked, he doesn’t know if she’s even alive, aghhh. Indigo ofc doesn’t blame him though, she knows Gregory was Cassie’s best friend.

Also they both share a love for the color blue and i think gregory respects indigo’s dedication to the color a lot.

she def acts like a whimsical aunt to him i think. Sometimes picking him up from school if ness is busy, jokingly making fun of him a little, you know.

Also i think while indigo is fantastic with actually building machines and keeping them running coding isn’t really her strong suit, so. They can learn from each other :]

[walkman-cat]

i’ve gotta know abt ur little guy orpheus alabaster whats his deal,,, i keep seeing ur little doodles and tags and feeling curriiooooosiityyyyyyyy

HI PIP!!

orpheus alabaster my BOY !! he's so silly <3 (also this is going to be a LONGGG post so it's under a cut) (he's my little guy i've got a lot to say about him)

He's like the city equivalent of a world-famous detective (one half of a detective agency working out of the attic of a curiosity/antique shop in the oldest part of the city)– he's a household name, and is known for taking on pretty much every case that he comes across (except, curiously, the biggest unsolved mystery the city has ever seen). Basically, Orph is the detective of the gentleman thief-detective dynamic and the watsonian narrator-detective dynamic (i love detectives <3)

He's observant, and will not rest until he's solved the case (to his detriment), and would risk his life if it meant saving the lives of others (to his detriment). He's got a terrible memory (so he writes everything down in one of his numerous notebooks) and he's not great with people (he's trying, somewhat. Cecil's usually the one who talks to clients). He's always down to work around the law/the watch (the city's law enforcement). He's very nosy (Cecil also is, they're perfect for each other).

He's also basically all those memes that are like "kinda gay to be a detective [etc etc]". While his partner (Cecil– they started the detective agency together!) has been pining over him since pretty much when they met (6 years before the story starts), Orpheus fell much harder and discovered this in the past year (he's having a Great Time. demiromantic king !!). They're so silly and devoted to each other (they call each other "Mr. Alabaster" and "Mr. Meyers" theyre sickening) and it's a whole Thing.

Also! Orph's the new incarnation of the forgotten/illegal/dead god of deceit and dreams (he's a detective and also the patron god of thieves and liars wbwbwb– this amuses me greatly). He's got a complicated relationship with his identity and personhood (which may have something to do with him taking on faces and personas at the drop of a hat) and isn't quite sure if he counts as something alive anymore.

Also to do with the fact that he's a kinda-not-really dead god, Orpheus isn't quite alive; he's a believable fascimile of something living, but he doesn't bleed when cut, he's cold to the touch, and sometimes Cecil can swear that he isn't breathing. He died not too long before he arrived in the city (and has the ligature marks on his neck to prove it) and came back, but even though he'd love to have come back wrong he came back exactly the same as he was before.

Here are some extra/funky facts about Orph:

he plays the piano!! he doesn't do it often for reasons he's never told Cecil but he's very good at it and has played for him in the past

he wanted to be a poet when he was younger, and still sometimes jots lines down in between all his other notes

his hands are perpetually inkstained, his fingertips are nearly all blackened from ink

the only times he's been truly excited for his clientele to be some of the city's richest are for hermes vetch heists. they're also the only times he's happy to have not solved the case (he's got a soft spot for the thief and misses him greatly)(he keeps reminiscing about heists to kit's face without knowing kit is hermes vetch and it's so funny to me)

he's mixed race (this isnt very important story wise, but it's important to me (also mixed race)) (so's kit)

he's non-binary!! (he/him enby times!!)

he's also a trans allegory for reasons i will not go into (they contain secretsssss)

he wouldn't like to say he has a favourite method of murder, but it's poisons. he likes to have an excuse to infodump and show off his knowledge of poisons

he probably would look real nice if he put any effort in to how he looks. he doesn't, so he looks like if a cat got drenched then blow-dried and rolled in ink

he hates having anything touching his neck, especially if they're wrapped around his neck. he will suffer and be cold if he has to be

the only times he'd overcome his need to put others before himself is when cecil (and to an extent kit/hermes vetch) is in danger (they're his best friends !!)

he often stares unblinkingly when thinking. it's a wee bit intimidating

his family is basically just matchsticks kelly (the guy who owns the antique shop who took him in), and cecil (later it'll also include kit), he doesn't talk about his family

he's known about cecil's sleeping habits and tendency to clamber over the rooftops for 6 years and still gets jumpscared by him clambering into his window in the dead of night

[mango-ribs]

Howdy Howdy, let me help your boredom a bit friend, I was doing a "like this post and I'll send you an ask" but didn't go through all the question ideas yet. SOOOOOOO, let me find my post-it notes... Ah, here...since you did say you like world building in your main post, I HAVE to ask. What's your favorite world that you've built? What were some of the characters in it? What were things like? Fantasy? Sci-Fi? Etc? If you can't pick a favorite tell me the one that you threw the most effort into. (Bonus Question: If I remember correctly, I saw you made a post a while ago of making a normal guy and then completely ruining him? Are you still working on that because it sounded tight!) AND have a swelltastic day, friendo!

Hi there!! :D

That is.. an AMAZING question, I don’t even know how to really answer without something that’s 204840495 miles long complete with annotations and my whole life story, but I’ll do my best! :)

My favorite world I’ve made, hmmm… I suppose I can split that into categories. One being the one I spent the most time on, one I indulge most in, one that brings me the most comfort and one that I simply enjoy the most.

Btw in each section I’ll state the name of the universe/whatever I call the world/storyline, so feel free to ask questions abt them ,,,

Here we gooo!

‘Spent most time on?’

I usually spend a couple months each on every world I make, but the longest running one I still indulge in today is probably The Misfits Universe, which I spent a total of 8 years working on, and recently ended a 5 year long roleplay in.

It’s a very special universe to me I don’t tell many people about actually, it started completely by accident where I met some friendly people on a roblox game called Misfits High and we started roleplaying normally. What started as us just doing random rp’s with characters we made up on the spot every week or so grew into a daily thing for years, expanding characters and the lore and it just became so beautiful.

It’s very very loose in plot as there are like a million different characters, what we sort of did instead of making a solid storyline we had a bunch of characters and simply roleplayed their storylines within the universe. It’s what I do with a lot of worlds actually, I find it a lot more freeing! But yeah, it’s set in an alternate reality where humans and monsters are separated from one another under the rule of a clan of gods. The characters are centered around a haunted old town that used to be human only until it was infected with a special virus and yadayadayada, it’s too much to explain LOL

It’s gotten to the point where I can tell you the creation of the universe and it’s dimensions as a whole but it has a LOOOOT of plot holes due to us making it when were so young. I’m so sad to see it go but I think it’s time I finally lay it to rest, it’s no longer interesting and has so many terrible memories attached to the past. I intend to keep using some of the characters I got from it :)

‘Most indulgent?’

That one is pretty hard to answer as lately I’ve been much more indulgent in my worlds rather than focusing on strict rules. Sort of just letting myself fuck around and do whatever I want. But my most indulgent probably has to be Kongoiro Universe, it’s essentially a universe where everything is sort of utopia like.

It’s where I sorta just dump everything I daydream about that doesn’t take place in another specific universe. It’s a place I can escape to, and pretend I live in a world where struggles are temporary. But otherwise it’s kinda boring..

‘Most comfort?’

Oooof this is a hard one. I rarely make non-comforting/angsty universes anymore for personal reasons (though soon I really wanna get back at it,) but the most comforting one I have is probablyyyy…. Magic In Threes.

Magic in Threes is a series-type thing I have in my head inspired by Chonny Jash’s songs! (hes absolutely amazing, creates covers of tally hall and changes the lyrics and god it’s amazing.) it is about a character nicknamed Soul, who are followed by incarnations of his suffering. Dark, a massive demon, represents the darkness: Depression, the mind, the past, Soul’s anger, etc. Light, an angelic being, represents the light: Hope, trickery, the heart, impulsiveness, and the future. Just because Light represents hope does not mean he is good. Both attempt to guide Soul through life and the infinite labyrinth that is his mindpalace, and overcome the struggles of living with trauma.

And I’m kinda projecting—

‘Enjoy the most?’

I don’t really know if I have one I enjoy the most, each one has their own things that make me like them and dislike them. Though one that is up there is definitely Lucraca, my take of a cyberpunk post-apocalyptic dystopia where humans have been long dead and the world is now controlled by robots (mostly object-heads.)

I have so much fun coming up with different concepts for it, it’s a wee bit cliche but its my world and I decide the dystopia Goddammit!!!! there are also a lot of AUs but they’re extremely fucked up and I won’t be getting into them rn LOL

But uH yeah,,, thank you for listening to my ramble and asking such a great question, this made me super happy!! If you guys want you can ask questions abt my universes, currently I believe I have around 71 documented and like a million more brewing up in my head. also yes I did hit the Funny Number.

*vine boom*

[pbpsbff]

okay this is so random but i was thinking about the r&r au right? and i was wondering,

before the whole world ending and what not was tony famous? ( did stark industries exist? ) and i vaguely recall a mention of the compound (?) is that playing a role in the au?

+ do they have a goal? asides from surviving, are they planning on going somewhere? trying to get somewhere or find someone?

IM ONLY ASKING BECAUSE IM SCARED IM MISSING SOMETHING, if anything i’ve asked hasn’t been revealed yet or isn’t written then disregard this, i was overthinking and scared and thinking a little bit too much abt the au ☹️ i just get excited.

oh god you're making me think this is terrible (joke) honest to god everything i write exists in a vacuum in my mind so sometimes ideas aren't fully fleshed out so bear with me LOL

ok so in my mind i've had it set that tony was just like. a mechanic or something (and maybe his parents were still rich by other means? so like tony was well off but still had a job n all that) i do have plans for a "peter begins" type fic centered on tony&rhodey (maybe them individually?? idk) before/at the beginning of the apocalypse

as for the compound part it was DEFINITELY poor wording on my part but i was leaning toward more like military compound (is base the word i'm looking for??? should i edit my fics???) down in virginia or somewhere virginia adjacent idk i write my fics with a fuck it we ball mindset and if something is wrong it stays wrong until i'm like oh fuck

with what i have posted so far, their main goal has just been survive, BUT i do have a wip that'll explain why they head west (at least i think it makes sense. maybe i'm just trying to get them to the west coast because that's where i live and i am so unfamiliar with everything east of the dakotas)

but yeahhhhhhh LOL i don't think you've missed anything (if you have i have probably also missed it. we out here) but i'm glad you're enjoying the series!!!!! it makes me happy to hear that something i've written is thought provoking even if i don't have all the answers

[ticklishfiend]

hhh. ok so i’m talking to this guy. we’re dating we just don’t have labels to it yet. anyways um. he knows abt the tickling thing. and jesus CHRIST does he love to exploit it.

he just left my house and hhfhsjfjsk i’m still buzzing thinking abt it. he was being so gentle and it was SO BAD like i was giggling so hard i couldn’t even look at him and he kept making fun of me for being so flusteredfhjs i was speechless, literally. he found these nasty awful horrendous spots under my arm/where my boob meets my collarbone holy SHITT it tickles so bad i was squealing into my pillow, and this spot where my butt meets my thigh makes me scream and kick it’s terrible, also under my knees and thighs always has an always will be killer but FUCK this guy is a Literal Wrestler like that’s his sport so he got me in this fucking locked position where i couldn’t move my arm OR my leg and just went ham behind my knee and thigh i thought i was gonna giggle my head off it was miserably wonderful, also who knew my belly was so fucking bad??? like light scribbles and squeezes and pokes do me IN man like i was just gripping that man’s wrist and belly laughing cause it was like all i could Do. he kept laughing at me and calling me cute i thought i was going to actually combust. oh my god jsut remembered the other day in his car he made me hold my hands up and grip the head of the seat and keep my eyes fucking CLOSED bc he said he didn’t want me to know where he was gonna tickle next so the “anticipation could make it worse” 😭 FUCK GOD it was so bad cause the anticipation DID make it worse i was squirming so much and he was barely touching meehfksjf besides throwing occasional squeezes and pokes he was just fucking. scribbling and grazing me and i was squeaking and squirming like my life depending on it, but damn it i kept my arms up (for the most part..armpits are death) cause i’m a committed bitch!! but uh yeah i have many more tickle stories and many more are to come i’m sure bc i don’t plan on leaving him anytime soon and this boys wrapped around my finger rn LOL

so yea if u wanna here more lmk <3 sorry i’ve been insanely inactive, it’s funny i actually have lots of unfinished wips i just don’t know what to do with them. very well might just dump post a bunch of my wips cause they still contain tickling, just not a finished plot lol

[frownyalfred]

abt ur Judaism post! what do u think abt how superman was created by jewish men and influenced by jewish figures (like Moses) and elements? is it cool, weird, good, lacking or anything? would u like it to be more apparent with how they write him?

Hey Anon!

Great question. I’ve had a few posts about this in the past, and for some reason it rubs some people the wrong way, which I don’t really get. 

My opinion (just mine) on Superman’s Jewish Origins:

If you dig a little deeper, almost everything integral to Superman’s character (which I’ll share later) reflects Jewish concepts of justice, refugee status, persecution, and assimilation. 

Personally, I think as long as folks remember that background, and respect it, Superman’s character can continue to evolve and change. The exception to this (for me) was Snyder’s Jesus-heavy motifs of Clark/Superman in BVS, which, as you mentioned, could have easily been subbed with Moses elements. 

The story of Jewish persecution is, in many ways, completely separate from Jesus. It happened long before he was even around. But that can be tough to convey to audiences that don’t know the Jewish history behind Superman’s origins, and indeed see the white/Christian characterization of Clark as an “all American” hero and don’t think much beyond it. 

So -- what about Superman is actually Jewish, or Jewish-inspired? 

The answer is, surprisingly, a lot. I skimmed a few articles to refresh my memory on this, so here’s a few examples:

Kal-El’s origin on Krypton -- a failing planet about to explode -- and his hurried flight by parents desperately trying to save him from death, and staying behind themselves as he’s sent to earth, is a direct reference to the common Jewish story of flight at the beginning of the 20th century. 

Superman’s creators were the children of Jewish immigrants. More specifically, the children of Jewish immigrants fleeing 1930′s Europe and its impending destruction. Sound familiar?

In the Holocaust, many Jewish families would have to make the terrible decision to smuggle their children out of ghettos or camps and into other countries, while they remained behind. 

Clark’s characterization is influenced heavily by his lost connection to Krypton, his parents, and his powers. This longing is in conflict to the happy, simple life he leads in Kansas. 

Jewish immigrants fleeing persecution, as well as their American children, often felt like they were living “in two worlds”. Tradition warred with assimilation, or the need to hide and stay safe, and Jewish Americans growing up in this period often didn’t know where they belonged. 

Clark often faces villains or forces that make him choose between his Kryptonian heritage, and his life on Earth. 

Often, this forces a comparison between Superman and Moses, as well -- an important Jewish figure who was also cast out by Jewish parents into gentile hands for his own safety, who grew up and discovered his Jewish community was at war with the adoptive life he had lived. 

Kal-El, Jor-El, etc

In the Torah, or the scrolls which contain the original Old Testament, the Hebrew suffix “el” means “of God.” It denotes angels (Gabriel, Michael, Raphael, etc) as well as other biblical names.

Kal-El would mean “voice of God”

Jor-El would mean “God will uplift” or the “uplifting of God”

Superman as a modern “Golem”

Though not directly referenced, many have drawn connections between Clark’s ability to turn into Superman, a defender of the weak and purveyor of Justice, as an allusion to the Jewish concept of a Golem. 

A Golem is a magical clay figure that can be brought to life by a Hebrew scroll placed into its mouth. Historically, it is said to protect the Jewish community, those battling antisemitism, and those who are powerless. 

This connection is bolstered by one of superman’s creators losing his father to a shooting in New York as a child, and feeling powerless against such injustice. 

So, why is an immigrant story of assimilation inherently Jewish? 

Another great question. Isn’t the immigrant story of seeking refuge in an unfamiliar world universal, in many ways? 

Yes, it definitely can be. But I would make the argument that Superman’s creators, the context of 1930′s Europe, and the Jewish concepts of justice (and naming) woven into Superman’s characterization indicate that this story is inherently about the Jewish experience. 

As a final point, I would bring up the devastation that the Holocaust had on the Jewish global population. Just like Krypton, much of the historical culture, traditions, and treasures were destroyed. Jews are a minority in the world, and their numbers continue to dwindle every year. Clark is, in many ways, one of the last Kryptonians, if not the very last. 

This story, even subtly woven into a comic series, resonates with me and many other Jews. It acknowledges the missing branches in our family trees, the forgotten traditions, and the pain of continuing those in a smaller and smaller community of fellow Jews every year. 

[steve-keychain]

this is a pointless post. you have been warned. 

i just got invited to a euphoria themed Party tomorrow which means its finally my chance to hoe out a little but now i have to figure out what to wear and speed write chapter 10 and this is actually SO GOOD bc i’ve had such terrible writers block all week on account of my life going to shit last weekend (im good just healing from the shit u dont talk about u know) so now it just has to GO so i have time to pick a fucking outfit out and i should also mention this is a Necessary Social Event bc the last and ONLY time i have been to this persons house i chugged a four loko and almost died on halloween it was so embarrassing so anyways hot girls drink a tasteful two and a half white claws ONLY. 

OH but layer 2 of this situation is that when I did my yearly tarot reads (i did a spread for each month) it said in february that on the 18th a friend will make a bad decision and i need to be careful of SNAKES so like DAMN. THIS IS REALLY. A EUPHORIA THEMED PARTY.  also today i saw my soulmate at 8am and they were in short shorts rollerblading at high speed in the bike lane, carrying a tiny ass cold brew coffee. the roller blades were neon orange- i feel this may be an important detail.  anyways sorry this is chaos i dont talk abt my life life on here all that often no need to even look at this too hard i’m just Nervous now im literally the human personification of a clown mixed with a perpetually anxious chihuahua. i do NOT get out much good fucking god

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

if you have any behind-the-scenes takes about the nature has taught fic you wanted to talk abt I would be absolutely /thrilled/ to hear them!

Soooo many oh my gosh. 

1) In the first iteration of this story, Danny wasn’t nearly as involved as he is now. I sort of used Mike Crew as a convenient reckless boy baby jail for the first draft, because he wasn’t as developed a personality in my mind. Then, he appeared in a different story idea of mine, affectionately dubbed the Himbois AU, and I ended up developing him extensively there and transplanted a slightly different version of him into this story and his role expanded as a result. 

2) Probably the only reason why I kept developing Danny and decided to post this story at all is because I told my Himbois AU to my friend (the one I made mad with last chapter), and she loved it (and Danny in particular), and I kept telling other stories to her, and it made me happy that she liked it and I got to thinking about posting something. Usually I just develop them a lot in my head, write maybe a couple chapters, and then after that the Hyperfixation Bounces To A New Story. The first chapter for nhthcth has been sitting in my Google drive since pre-Covid. So like, she’s the real reason why this fic is out right now. 

3) She calls herself the absentee father of this fic, because she has no idea what’s happening and has no part in the actual writing of it (though she did help me make kid!jon more child-like, and she takes full credit for that), but sometimes she stands in the metaphorical doorway and says “are you winning son.”  If you leave a comment on a fic there is an extremely high chance I will immediately be texting her about it, we think y’all are hilarious and great and are utterly obsessed with everything y’all say

4) Jon’s personality in this is mostly me foraging around in canon looking for spare parts before I forcibly weld them to other bits of him from canon and drizzle in parts I think would result from the backstory I’ve built. Like, the skepticism from Season 1 had to go, this has been his entire life and there’s no benefit in denying it. And like, he’s been the person going to the Magnus Institute for help. He never forgot how afraid he was and how badly he just wanted a single person to help, and no one did.. He’s not going to approach Statement givers the way he did in Season 1. I also had to scrap Season 2, because It’s Not Paranoia If They’re Really Out To Get You And You’re Existentially Exhausted So Why Bother Being Paranoid About It. I ended up grabbing a lot of Season 4, late stage Am-I-A-Muppet-Or-Am-I-A-Man considerations and massive guilt complex, as well as his general Bitch Settings and his genuine desire to help people, to the point where he doesn’t consider his own safety or even like. Plan. At all.  

5) I have a lot of “versions” of Jon based on the fic I’m working on, and this Jon is by far my favorite. He has very consciously decided to make his mindset “God has decided to let me live another day and I’m about to make it everybody’s problem” and I think that’s great for him.

6) The Leitner (a Spiral one that I made up) that they used against Nan didn’t make her forget it, per se. The line about it all being a bad dream soon was very literal. You believe whatever lie someone told you about what happened, it twists into the truth, so you can’t quite explain why you have such terrible nightmares about it going differently. Nan knows Jon ran away, she talked to all those--police officers, were they? So she can’t quite explain why her dreams are filled with fog, and emptiness, and that horrible man leading her grandson away by the arm. It felt way too exposition-y and out of character to have Wright explain that to Jon, so that didn’t go in, but that’s what happened there. 

7) When Jon was Even Younger and Even More Bitter he used to fill out a damage to company property report every time he got hurt and Elias had to yell at him for three months to get him to stop

8) There wasn’t a good scene for this, but Jon dumped all of Mike’s moisturizer when no one was looking because he will singlehandedly stop Danny Stoker’s skin care regime even if Mike kills him over it  

9) There are fun fonts on my original google doc that only my friend gets to see because I can’t figure out how the coding in AO3 works.

Okay, this got long. I’ll stop here. Thank you for reading and for asking!!

[darcyesque]

Supernatural Season 4 Review/Thoughts

Season 4, hoo boy...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notes: y'all, I've been getting through like 4 episodes a night,,, is that normal?

Things I liked:

the (I feel) very deliberate lack of much sound at the beginning of 4x01 felt very nice and consistent with the end of 3x16 and very very beginning of 4x01

cas's entrance was very much hyped up and very much lived up to that hype

new ruby?? i think I love her??

i think overall, the concept of these episodes are getting better and better plotwise?

in 4x21 When the Levee Breaks, the use of young Sam was HEARTBREAKINGLY AMAZING

I LOVED the obvious differences between Cas and Jimmy, so impressed with Misha

Ruby's villain speech? Impeccable

Things I didn't like:

lololo the Sam drinking demon blood scenes are so hard to watch,,,

ok. Dean says this thing in 4x13 After School special where he's like "wowo 3 of the cheerleaders are legal!" and it really made me uncomfy bc I feel like we've kind of moved away a lil from that being his main character trait..idk

the whole chuck being the supernatural author thing,, getting bad vibes from it

so 4x21 and 4x22 where Dean/hallucination Dean was calling Sam a monster and sounding like J*hn, it hurt me. like STOP BRINGING HIM UP!

On the Head of a Pin was kind of gore-y and not my style, also I don't like Alistair's accent

Other Thoughts:

4x06 Yellow Fever I thought was really interesting how one of them was directly affected by the thing that they were hunting

Anna? very very interesting

jkdasl;jfdks there's a scene where Dean calls Sam a knowitall but when Sam goes "what" Dean just goes "what" back and it's SO GOOD

It's a Terrible Life kind of supports my thesis: Sam is sort of the smartest character in Supernatural :/

the ghostfacers guys are back! i love them!

omg 4x20 The Rapture was INSANE, I had no idea what I was in for with that one,,(abt to make a post, I'll link it here in a min)

oh MY GOD did they think that 4x14 Sex and Violence made Dean look straight?? NO SIR! HILARIOUS

Adam?? what?? so confused??

a lot of the stuff in When the Levee Breaks with Sam's withdrawal kind of hit hard since I'm trying to stop SHing, and Jared really portrayed it well

Favorite Episodes: Lazarus Rising, It's a Terrible Life, The Rapture

Least Favorite Episodes: Metamorphosis, Criss Angel is a Douche Bag, On the Head of a Pin

Episodes I Cried At: Lazarus Rising, Wishful Thinking, Heaven and Hell, Jump the Shark, When the Levee Breaks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if you'd like me to tag you in next post, just let me know!

@nebica and @ethosien !

[mkstrigidae]

from the ask meme abt writing, i have a few questions about your writing process! how do you stay organized with so many pov’s in AWPH? i always wonder what writing app/site fic writers use (word, google docs, etc.), and if it’s not too much, could you show a screenshot of how that looks?

Hi friend! :) I am terribly sorry it’s taken me a while to answer this- life has gotten in the way

Oof- so the answer to that question ‘how do you stay organized’ is probably ‘I don’t’, but I’ll do my best. (this ended up long and fairly disorganized)

About APWH POVs:

For the different POVs, there isn’t really a process I have to choose whose POV is used for what scene- I’d probably be more stern about it if were writing a novel, but because it’s fanfiction, I kind of just go with whatever feels right at the time. There is one thing that’s absolutely deliberate, though- I’ve never written a scene from Petyr’s POV, because he’s the exception to narrative omniscience.

There have been a few instances where I’ve had to switch whose POV i was writing from as I went along, or after I finished a scene- Meeting Jon Arryn is an example from the most recent chapter. Initially, it was from Sansa’s point of view, but Sansa overthinks everything and so it kept going off in all sorts of weird directions and I couldn’t pin it down. Once I started writing as Robin, it got much easier.  

The single most difficult thing about keeping all the different characters straight is remembering who knows certain things, and who doesn’t know certain things.

Take this, for example. The two characters closest to omniscience are Oberyn and Sansa, but where Oberyn knows Baelish’s history and can understand certain aspects of his motivation because of years of working on the case and studying him (in addition to a hefty understanding of human psychology), Sansa isn’t always completely aware of how important certain pieces of evidence are, or how relevant certain things are to Petyr’s motivations. The two of them understand Baelish more than anyone else, but in drastically different ways. The biggest thing is that Oberyn is aware of Petyr’s relationship with Catelyn, and how he feels about her, whereas Sansa has no idea about that, and still doesn’t really understand why Baelish took her in the first place (although she’s been doing a repeat speedrun through the five stages of grief throughout the entire thing, poor kid).

But there are basic facts of the story, and then there’s the ‘who knows what’ aspect of it. Someone broke into the Stark’s home in White Harbor and stole Sansa from her bed- this is a fact. But only a few people know who it was that broke in or how it was done. An assassin was hired to kill Petyr Baelish at the airport and failed. The Lannisters know who the assassin is, but Oberyn and Daemon don’t yet.

There are lots of complicated relationships among the characters too- Jon knows more about Robb than any of the rest of them, except maybe Rhae, who only ever shows vulnerability to Willas and Marg, and so the rest of us don’t really get to see her soft side. Arya’s relationship with Catelyn is extremely complicated, and as such, she has a lot of baggage going into meeting Sansa that Sansa has no idea about. Lyanna is aware of what’s generally going on politically, and is working on several important stories that could provide some insight to Oberyn, but they haven’t talked about politics too much recently, because Oberyn’s too busy with the investigation and Lyanna’s busy with her job. There are secrets that Robb has been keeping for an extremely long time, and secrets that Sansa’s keeping without even realizing it. There are a lot of things that were odd or abnormal or red flags in Sansa’s childhood that she doesn’t even realize are odd, because she has no other frame of reference.

In terms of keeping the other stuff straight, I have a page at the beginning of the APWH Master Document (it’s so long dear god), that basically has character names, ages, locations, and time zones written down. I’ve tried making like, character info compilations, but I’m not very good at updating them so I stopped that (although I found a particularly funny bit about the targs in one that’s sampled below).

Generally, I think it’s more important to understand how your characters react to certain situations and their most basic personality traits and values, rather than just having a long list of stats on them, so that tends to be my approach. If I’m worried that I’m about to write something that conflicts with a previous plot point, generally, I’ll go back and skim the story for mentions of them to double check- I’ve reread APWH so frequently that I am genuinely sick of the first five chapters, haha.

Unfortunately, a lot of it tends to just be that I have an extremely good long-term memory for details. The trade-off is a god-awful short-term memory, though. It’s partially the ADHD. I’m on the verge of trying to keep things straight with an excel doc, tho.

The timeline is one of the trickier aspects, so I tend to scribble them out anytime I’m thinking about when and where certain events happened. Generally, I use Sansa’s abduction as year zero, because I do not understand how years work in Westeros and have elected to just use my own- here’s a sample of one I scribbled down the other day when I was trying to figure something out.

(Sorry about the post it notes- those are covering some spoilers! ;D)

About my writing process:

It is…. Not as streamlined of a process as I would like, haha. Generally, I go by chapter. I kind of have a rough idea of what I want to happen in each chapter, and generally that evolves as the story does.

For each chapter, I kind of just bullet point out some things that I want to have happen, and then try my hand at writing some of them. Some of my best ideas happen after this process, though, like the scene where Robb and Sansa find out that Baelish moved them out of the city while Robb was in town to avoid a confrontation. But I have those bullet points, and usually rough chapter titles and rough summaries before the chapters start. (Some things blacked out because of spoilers ;D)

I think that if I waited until I was inspired to sit down and write, then APWH would maybe be done by like, 2070, so I usually kind of sit down and just start writing- some of it is good, some scenes I discard completely, and usually, once I hit on something that works, the plot flows where I want it to.

I generally know how I want the chapters to start, based on how the previous chapter ends (My writing time for them usually overlaps bc it’s a natural continuation). Once I figure out roughly how I want the chapter to end, though, the whole thing starts coming together, and it’s easier for me to figure out what doesn’t belong in the middle, and what might be missing.

I started using one master document on word, because I swear to god I did not intend for this story to turn into the behemoth that it is, and that lasted for about twelve chapters before I realized that the damn thing was 368 pages of tiny font (I don’t double space my lines when I write bc I like seeing as much of it as I can). So I’ve switched to individual word docs for each chapter as of chapter 13, and used google docs to share the chapter with the wonderful @nowmywatch-begins who was kind enough to beta read the thing and remove the excess of commas I tend to use. I use color coded highlighting to indicate different things- turquoise means I want to go back and rework something, green means I need to check to make sure something doesn’t conflict with something I wrote previously, yellow is for sections that I might not want in that chapter and might need to move, etc. Anything I end up discarding goes in a section at the end of that chapter labeled ‘outtakes’. I used to have a lot of trouble rewriting things because I hated to get rid of them, so this circumvents that particular issue. I get to keep what I wrote, while still improving the story by being willing to throw out certain parts.

I write out of order frequently so I keep a separate document called ‘APWH- Bits and Pieces’ that I use whenever I’m doing something like that- it acts as sort of a holding tank for these scenes until I feel like they fit in the story. I also just keep random notes in there, questions that I think need answering, random sentences that just come to me, ideas I’ve jotted down when an idea sparks, etc. There’s a lot of stream of consciousness kind of stuff because I tend to process ideas by writing them down, and so I have stuff like ‘okay so what if Lysa did X and Petyr was here and does Sansa have a college scholarship???? Is the Braavosi prison in the northwest or the south? Why is Westeros still a monarchy? do the tabloids follow the royal family like in britain???’

Like, I have the ending for APWH written, but it’s fairly disjointed, and i think I’ll be able to flesh it out more as the story goes along. I like having a general idea of where I’m going with my writing, but I also will modify those ideas frequently as I go- sometimes the characters really do write the story for you.

This is probably not very organized, and waaaaay longer than you wanted, but I hope this answers your question!!! Thank you for the ask! :)

[angeltrapz]

hhmmmmvnfj asks abt Lawrence? umm in a selfship way: what’s ur favorite gift he’s gotten u? — in a character analysis way, bcuz I’ve posted a lil abt it n u mentioned it in DMs too: if William had survived, bc Lawrence was handling new disciples at that time (like Brad n Ryan), how do u think Lawrence n William would’ve interacted? (esp bc we know William was at least vaguely aware of who Lawrence was pre-trap bc of their connections to John)

dfhskj thank u!!! finally getting 2 this

okay fr the selfship part: mentioned it a little bit when replying 2 the other ask u sent, but it’s a worry stone made out of rhodonite (which looks a lil like this), bc he knows how interested I am in gems + rocks n stuff like that but also bc he wanted me to have smth to fidget with in case I forgot my lil lanyard of rolling beads when we went somewhere! it’s smth I just run my thumb along bc it’s smooth n soft n fits perfectly in the palm of my hand. a lot of times if I’m in an uncomfortable situation I can’t get out of, having that w me helps a lot bc it’s grounding n it reminds me of him 💞💞

fr the character analysis part: KJSKFS YEAH I love getting 2 talk abt that bc I actually think abt it quite a bit. as u said, William and Lawrence have always been vaguely aware of each other on account of being connected thru their interactions w John, the doctor who he felt wasn’t kind/sympathetic enough n the insurance agent who denied his (EXTREMELY experimental, mind u) foreign treatment request. I’m not sure that they ever interacted face-to-face PRIOR to John’s death, but after William survives his test it’s just kinda like... who else does he have 2 talk to that might be able to understand even the tiniest bit what he went thru? he loves Pamela to pieces, of course he does, she’s his only family - but she didn’t see what he’d had to do, doesn’t rly KNOW like Lawrence would.

but I still think he’d absolutely be Cautious, bc even w the desire to be understood n maybe even have someone he could confide in, William knows now that Lawrence has been helping John for quite some time - as we see in 3D and as u said, Lawrence is the one handling new disciples, something that only John ever did; Amanda didn’t have her own apprentices, n Hoffman sure as hell didn’t either. that, n William doesn’t know how much involvement, if any, Lawrence had w his own test - that’s smth that wld haunt him a lil, I think. it’s hard to be comfortable around a person who is not only directly involved w the person who felt it necessary to put u in a trap, but who Also may have been the one to put fucking explosive bracelets/anklets n tattoos on u + SEWN A KEY inside of u, which is INCREDIBLY violating of his bodily autonomy. that could warrant a whole discussion of its own tbh.

but. Lawrence is the closest John ever got 2 having a TRUE successor (which I have conflicting feelings on; my reading of Lawrence in SAW 2004 was not someone who wld have joined up w someone who caused him so much pain, but fr the sake of exploring this, I think tht after going thru something as horribly traumatizing and irreversibly changing as he did, he sought that life of control n routine that he felt he had prior to his game, and well, John could certainly provide that,,,) n William would likely know this. Amanda’s dead, Logan is off doing who knows what n living his life, Hoffman is only doing it out of a weird sense of obligation?, and Jill isn’t rly a disciple, just some1 who’s been dragged into it too. (I think William n Jill actually would’ve gotten along tbh,, it’s a different thing entirely whether William would WANT to interact w her.)

I think Lawrence wld want to be able to reassure William that he had no hand in what happened to him (I don’t even know if Lawrence is the one who fitted the bracelets/did the key?), but he like. wouldn’t even know where 2 begin bc how can he explain that in a way that William could ever rely on? how could he ever convince William that he truly wasn’t responsible when all the other man wld have 2 do is look at all of th ppl he assisted John in securing/operating on? Hoffman was the one who put William in his trap, but Lawrence doesn’t know he’ll ever b able 2 prove that in a way William can believe. n I don’t think he’d expect William to believe him, not at all, but I think Lawrence at that point truly doesn’t have anyone - he and Alison are divorced and she has Diana, Adam isn’t around obviously, John + Amanda are gone, Hoffman doesn’t know he exists, so who does he have? I think he longs fr that sort of connection, even if it Is forged thru smth as terrible as what they were both individually put thru by John - they have tht common ground of being involved in his diagnosis + the way he responded to them (petty fucking grievances... kramer I will literally knock yr teeth in u fucker) n being ppl he considered partially responsible fr his downfall in a way (Lawrence wasn’t “kind enough,” William said no to a highly expensive and experimental international treatment that they weren’t even sure wld WORK). and like, not necessarily 2 the same extent, but they were both physically altered by what they went thru. Lawrence is missing his foot. William has scars + tattoos that he could get covered up, sure, but the experience isn’t going away. the scar on his side where the key was hidden is never going away. Lawrence’s prosthetic is functioning but the fact that he cut his fucking foot off isn’t going away. n that’s not even TOUCHING the lasting mental effects.

so I think William wld be feeling rly lost. he just doesn’t know what to do. he doesn’t know if he can even go back to the life he led b4 (if he does, it’s not for a very long time) n he has a hard time looking Pamela in the eye bc he feels personally responsible fr her having been there too + bc of what he’d been made to do to so many ppl. he feels alone, much more than he ever has before, n that’s saying smth bc his personal life was already extremely solitary bc he felt it was safer for him + his career. no one could possibly understand what he went thru, bc nobody saw it. nobody saw the way he tried so hard to keep every1 alive, the way he tried to help the people he worked with + CARED FOR even if he had 2 put himself thru pain to do it (holding onto those pulleys until his shoulders were almost DISLOCATED fr Addy n Allen, burning himself w the steam so Debbie could get thru the maze, the entirety of the shotgun carousel). Tara + Brent didn’t see him sacrifice himself fr his coworkers, n neither did Pamela. nobody knows. William wants some1 to connect with, n that just doesn’t seem like a possibility given that what he went thru in there is knowledge that only he himself + Hoffman carry.

but Lawrence knows. he understands n he's the one 2 kinda make that offer, to just be like “u don’t have 2 trust me right now, or even ever, but I understand n if u want some1 2 talk to, I’m here.” bc what does he have to lose? Adam is gone. Alison n Diana are gone. he’s by himself. and so is William, though he has Pamela. they’re both men who went thru smth unspeakably terrible bc a dying man wanted 2 play god n they came out of it much worse off than they ever were b4 John “helped” them. n William is just like. how much worse could it get? after Jigsaw, what could possibly be worse than what he’s already gone thru? so he’s just kind of like, “okay, we can work this out, I can’t say I trust u right now but maybe I can in the future. we can do this together. we can help each other.” n that’s how they end up meeting for coffee or breakfast/lunch/dinner every so often (coffee meets are at least weekly), n it’s just kind of like. the reassurance that some1 has seen the very worst parts of u and are still around. the relief of knowing someone sees u and knows how hard yr fighting to rebuild a life that’s been shattered into a million tiny pieces. n they’re struggling against that current together, and maybe it starts in a place of “I have no one else so I might as well chill w u,” but eventually William and Lawrence kind of fall into this uneasy friendship. they’re there for each other. William calls Lawrence when he has a nightmare that keeps him up fr hours after, shaking n w his heart beating out of his chest bc he doesn’t want to remember. Lawrence spends th night at William’s place every now n then bc he can’t be alone w his thoughts n the phantom pain in his leg just won’t quiet. they meet for coffee. they have breakfast sometimes. Lawrence has clothes n a toothbrush at William’s and vice versa. they’re in this together.

n maybe that escalates into more (which I believe wld only happen after they get 2 a point where they’ve discussed, at length, John’s legacy n who exactly would be continuing it + if anyone WLD be, n after Hoffman is “disposed of” in a sense), but even if not, they both know they Have Someone who looks at them n doesn’t see them as a monster, not the horrible person John thought he needed to “fix.” they both carry scars, both physically n mentally, frm what they went thru. they’re both struggling to get their bearings + Lawrence is still coping w what he’ll need to do after John’s (and eventually, Jill’s) passing. it won’t be easy, but they’re not walking alone. they’re wading thru the mud together, hand in hand, and fr William n Lawrence, that is enough.