#god I want to go to Canada so bad and just be out in nature

[colapopppart]

Late Langa birthday art!!! I think this is the first time I’ve made a finished drawing of him that actually looks like him lmao

anyway i love birds and i love it when artists give characters wings, so i thought id do my due diligence and give wings to the Sk8 boys!! I’m thinking of doing a knew one on all of their birthdays :D Anyways Langa is a Canada Jay because of course he is why wouldn’t he be? It’s actually perfect for him. Canada Jays are very curious, and are big eaters who will eat a wide variety of foods, from seeds to literal small animals. and they hoard food (with their saliva sticking it to trees what), likely to store for winter when they would have a harder time finding it! Like cmon it was too perfect they even have his color scheme of black and white!

here’s a photo of what they look like:

[ppushable]

just us.

jean kirschtein x gn!reader / oneshot / wc: 9.4k

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It's the last summer of high school and it's time to grow up. Too bad I have to do it without you.

Nights like this I wish could last forever: just us in the rain.

⋅ ⋆ ─────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────── ⋅ ⋆

ao3 tags:

FUCK / Alternate Universe - High School / or the tail end of it / Reader-Insert / gender neutral reader / How Do I Tag / Kissing / Angst / Fluff and Angst / Growing Up / Separations / Rain / Late Night Conversations / POV First Person / Present Tense / Pining / French-Speaking Jean Kirstein / Reader is emotional / theres some music for this too / Don't Examine This Too Closely

to make some things clear:

it's the last summer after high school (i.e. about to enter university)

based in canada which is basically the us but it doesn't really matter

reader is gender neutral (let me know if something seems off)

we don't know Connie in this one

i also got some songs which i thought fit the mood based on what was playing as i wrote. the songs will be indicated (==) in the writing. here's the queue:

dream, ivory; dream, ivory

heart to heart; mac demarco

little person; matt maltese

cry; cigarettes after sex

everything; the black skirts

if you're on iphone, i recommend doing the rain sounds when it rains, but it's up to you. without further ado ♥

⋅ ⋆ ─────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────── ⋅ ⋆

== dream, ivory

The rock I’ve been kicking skids off the edge of the sidewalk, into the dark grass. I already miss the feeling of its bump against my foot. I’m going to miss a lot of things. Even before I finish the thought the familiar feeling of dread rises up from the depths of my gut. 

Shush. 

Jean’s face is illuminated harshly directly below the streetlight, hair glowing as if powdered in some otherworldly dust, shadows hard and soft defining and redefining themselves as we walk. Aimless wandering, that’s all we’re doing, but I’d rather be doing this than anything else. I’d rather be with him.

I almost miss the signature little smirk on his face mid-head turn but double take in time to see it grow. 

“What? You like what you see?”

Well, yeah.

But I stick the side of my finger against his teeth and he squirms. “Wh— hey! What was that?” There’s a chuckle between those words, though, and it makes me want to crack open like a stupid little egg and pour out all the feelings I have for him onto this very concrete, cover it with my devotion, stain it forever and ever. But all that comes out is a laugh and that’ll have to be enough. 

“You’re annoying, you know that?”

“I was just asking you an honest question!” He holds up his hand as if preaching. “Honest to god, hand on the bible.”

Okay, Jean. “And if I said no?”

He has the nerve to look offended. “Then I’d know you’re lying.”

“Fff,” I huff, and I have to turn away because the grin on my face is at a dangerous level. “This boy. You’re too full of yourself.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Jean says smugly. “But you like me that way, don’t you?” His arm hooks my waist to pull me closer and I do the same, gripping the back of his Stohess University hoodie. At this point this position is second nature — no more awkward touching or not-so-subtle shifting. Now we’re like… two stones in a river that just happen to fit together like pieces of a puzzle. That’s right, us, the walking pebbles, down the dark streets of 3 AM that would be scary under any other circumstance. 

Happy as can be. 

Until summer ends, at least. 

Sometimes I want to rip that hoodie off him and tear it into a million pieces, destroy the place that wants to take him from me so badly. But it makes him happy. It makes him really fucking happy. And who am I to take that away from him? 

“Hey,” he says, and I loosen my grip on the thick cloth before he notices the pulling. 

“Yeah?”

I feel his voice, a low hum against my side, just as much as I hear it. “What’re you thinking about?”

The windows of the houses around us are empty, void. It’s strange, isn’t it? To think that in every house is a different life, multiple lives which I’ll never know. An entire life with emotions and memories and experiences and desires. A human animal. “You, of course.”

He doesn’t respond at first and when we pass under another streetlight his face is a little redder than before, all across his nose and cheeks and ears, and it takes a lot not to stop right there and throw myself on him. I love it when he does that, when he proves that his bad-boy front is just that. A front. “Hah. What a flirt.”

Leaning in, I say, “I learned it from the best, didn’t I?”

“So you’re—” his face pulls even closer, and we stop under the broken buzz of a streetlight— “calling me a flirt.”

My feet scrape the concrete as I turn on the spot and drape my arms over his shoulders. Trepidation lines my bones and leeches into my legs, drop by drop. “Maybe,” I say, and I feel the air of my breath off his reddened skin. Gorgeous, gorgeous. I wait for him to close the little distance between us, which might as well have been no distance at all, because when we touch, when I feel the familiar, burning warmth of his lips pressing against mine, I… I forget what I was thinking about. 

I claw for his neck, the hair I begged him to grow out that I know will look so good on him, I need us to be closer, and he knows, pulling my body into his with his arms against the curve of my back, chest to chest, pelvis to hardening pelvis. I huff into his mouth from the sudden pressure and Jean takes me up again immediately after the brief separation without a breath to spare with a little moan, leading me stumbling backwards to god knows where but I trust him. I love the way the world just goes. My back hits something hard and I grunt from pain which just makes Jean snap and double down harder, reach further, a futile attempt to satisfy the beastly desire in my core that grows with every passing second. 

“Ah…”

I love his hand lowering to the small of my back, the way it trembles, the way it goes lower. The other slides under my shirt, roaming well-travelled areas, but that doesn’t make it any less enticing. I cling to the back of his head like my life depends on it because it very well might, following his every small movement like it’s the guiding star. He opens up for a quick huff of air and I use this opportunity to take the reins; to plunge deeper. 

I love how his hair feels. And when I pull it just right he makes a helpless noise into my mouth and oh fuck I could fold for him right now. 

I love how disgusting we are. Probing every part of each other with our tongues. The little pits in the skin of his cheeks. Heat in my core. Heat in my brain. Heat between our bodies. The taste of him. 

I love how I don’t know where I end and he begins. Burning lungs. Pull harder and he groans louder and I don’t know what noise belongs to who. Can you tell dogs apart by their bark?

I love his taste. Desire for air, but greater desire for him . His hand stops now in that place he knows I love, skin to burning skin, but the other never moves, keeping me locked in place. Need to be closer. Just us. 

I love his eyes, half-lidded but brimming with want. A fistful of his locks, tightening. Mind going places my hands can’t. Not here, not now. 

I love…

Just when I think my heavy heart is about to give out, we separate, the heat is gone, and we gasp for air both, separating the line of drool that connects us with a blistering snap. Colours come back. My head drops to his shoulder and his warm breath lands in the sensitive crook of his neck as he lets his hand slide out of my top and return to the small of my back with the other. I keep mine firmly anchored around his neck. We pant like mutts in the street, unmoving save for the heaving of our chests. The buzzing of the streetlight returns, but it never really left, did it? We did. 

I hope he likes me back as much as I do him. I hope he’s not doing this because he has to. Swallowing takes up precious time; immediately after I’m back to laboured breathing. If he’s anything but happy I’ll recede into the darkest, damndest reaches of the Earth so he can enjoy the sun. I would never tell him that, though. I hope I’m not… I hope I’m not too much. 

Maybe a little too abruptly I let go of him and he does the same after a moment's delay, a little reluctantly, but I’m imagining it. I wipe my lip before smiling. “You flirt.”

Running a finger across his mouth, Jean scoffs, a hint of his softer side still showing through as if his usual act hasn’t fully hardened yet. “You started it.”

“Hardly.”

“Do I need to bring out the case files?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. “Do I need to pull out the evidence?”

“Evidence being what, exactly?” I point to his pants pockets. “You have a little pocket hamster witness? Or a boob camera?”

Gasping lightly — yet still maintaining a tone of exaggeration — his arms fly up: one to cover his chest, and the other his crotch. “You’re lucky my ass doesn’t report you right now.”

Obnoxiously, I smack my lips, run my tongue over my teeth, and stick my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants. “I bet that ass can do a lot of things, princess. Walking all alone at night. Isn’t it dangerous?” I produce a crude rendering of Jean’s own smirk (to cover my own growing smile) while flipping my hair. “Let a handsome man escort you to your house.”

His act drops immediately. “Okay, you’re a little too good at this.”

I laugh.

“No, like seriously—” he raises his voice a bit to be heard clearly a smile grows on his face— “you’re creeping me out.”

“Hush, you.” With unspoken agreement we start walking again. “I need to keep up my creepy guy persona in case I’m ever approached.”

“What, your plan is to outcreep the creep?” He shakes his head. “Good luck with that one.”

I make my voice go gravelly again while making a squishing motion. “Let a man cop a feel. It’s the least you could do for all his hard work.”

“Okay, first of all, no, stop that. Secondly,” he says, pushing my hand away, “nobody’s gonna approach you as long as I’m—”

He freezes, then closes his mouth and swallows, Adam’s apple pushing back down the words unsaid. As long as I’m around . The dreadful feeling comes back like cold lead in my veins. But you’re gonna be around for long, are you, Jean?

We reach the junction directly between two streetlights, the darkest point of the sidewalk. There usually aren’t many stars where we live; regardless of the weather, city lights always blot out the little speckles in the sky that are supposed to just appear every night like in the pictures. Jean always wanted to see them. The Milky Way. The closest thing we have to a galaxy are the fluorescent glows of store signs that reflect off the bricked walls of the apartment buildings and cracked asphalt roads. 

“Hey,” I murmur, linking my arm through his and pointing at the splash of white light down the street. “Let’s go over there.”

“What, the 7-11?”

“Let’s get snacks and have a picnic together.”

A little chuckle escapes him. “At this time of night?” He doesn’t allow time to respond. “Well, alright.”

The mechanical beep greets us as the door opens. As expected, the place is empty, resided only by the eye-chokingly bright junk food packages haphazardly lining the shelves. My warped figure in the security camera screen hanging from the ceiling holds open the door for Jean and he steps through. He hasn’t been properly illuminated in a while so I take the opportunity to drink him in a little. There’s some darkness under his eyes and the scruff beginning to grow on his chin is getting longer than he prefers it (shaved off completely). His jaw clenches and unclenches seemingly at random as if he’s chewing gum, but he’s probably biting the inside of his mouth. It’s a nasty habit of his, and it never means anything good. He’s probably stressed about university. 

I sniff. Lysol. This place is a little too normal, a dip back into the waters of everyday. “Do you have your wallet?”

He stops and taps his pants pockets — first the back, then the front — and nods. “Yeah, I got my card.” 

“Sugar daddy me?”

A blush rises to the occasion and he rolls his eyes with a quick “yeah” before disappearing into the aisles. He hates getting flustered (but loves to inflict it on me) and does so at the weirdest things. In his own words, blushing is a ‘boner for your face.’ Okay, Jean. So what if I want to see you pop face boners. You like seeing mine, don’t you?

I scurry after him, scanning the items in his hold. “Strawberry Pocky. Black Doritos. Cola gummies.”

He holds out his arm so I can see better. 

“Nothing healthy? Nothing wet?”

“Okay, first of all, it’s a 7-11. Healthiest thing here is the air quality. Second of all.” He sets his palm on top of my head. “We’re getting there, alright? And don’t say wet.”

“Nothing moist.”

The flat hand turns into a fist and knocks lightly once on my skull. “Can’t win with you, eh?”

I flick his hand away and we keep weaving through the aisles. Marshmallows. 

Picking up the bag of sweets I stare at, Jean says, “we’re never gonna finish all these, y’know.”

“I know.” 

“What happened to getting healthy stuff?”

“You walk so slowly that I have to pick up everything I see. Or I’ll be understimulated and die.”

“Understimulated, huh?” he muses. I look up at his face but he’s reading the wrapper. “Maybe you’re my pocket hamster. Like a lab rat. Do I need to put you in a really big maze?” He shakes the bag like it’s cat treats and shoots me a smug look. “I’ll use these instead of cheese. If you solve the puzzle right I’ll toss you one so you have something to munch on.”

I don’t dignify him with a response. Steeling my fingers, I plunge them into his front pocket. 

The impact wracks through him, nearly making him drop the package. “Wh—”

“Won’t fit.” I shake my head and wiggle my fingers. “I can’t be your pocket hamster.”

I swear a tiny bead of sweat accumulates on his cheek but he’s quick to scratch it away. “I can make you fit.”

“Really?”

His eyes narrow. “You know more than anyone that I can make things fi—”

“Oh, hey.”

My head snaps toward the new voice — it’s the cashier, appearing from a door to take his place behind the counter. His grey hair’s been buzzed short (he hovers around our age despite the colour), almost to the point of bald, and various piercings on his face gleam even in the horrible 7-11 lighting as he cocks his head. “Sorry, didn’t notice you guys come in. Need anything at all?” 

“No, we’re good,” I say, subtly (I think) sliding my hand out of Jean’s pocket. Was the pocket thing too much? I overstepped again, didn’t I? “Thanks, though.”

The cashier nods once — I’m too far away to see his nametag but not the exhaustion that leaks out of him like a broken tap — and messes with something under the table. My gaze once again finds Jean’s and he looks like he’s seen a ghost which almost makes me feel like laughing. His big hand encloses mine and he leads me somewhere out of sight. Slurpee machines. They start humming as Jean lets me go and pinches the bridge of his nose as if on cue. “That was a little too close. Oh my god.” He chuckles lightly and it’s muffled. “He nearly saw us.” 

When he drops his hand and meets my eye the humour disappears in a flash; gravity immediately weighs down his features. “Is something wrong? Did I say something?”

“No!” I didn’t even say anything yet and he’s already this serious. Guilt settles already; why did I make him feel bad? “No. It’s— you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.” I shoot for a grin and hit a grimace. “I’m just kinda tired.”

“Yeah. You look tired. Darling.” The word is raspy with the breath of his throat yet also strangely tender, as if uttered through honey, and we both pause at the new label. Darling. He called me darling. It’s getting warm. “Sorry. That sounded stupid, didn’t it?”

== heart to heart

Darling . “Dont— no! It’s not stupid at all! I— um.” I put a hand on his shoulder and Jean, recognizing the cue, leans his tree of a body down so he can stare straight into my eyes. “It was really… it was really cute. You should…” I trace a crack in the floor that reveals dark grout underneath while idly tucking some of his hair behind his ear. “Use that name on me again.” 

A little huff escapes him, brushes against my lips, and I’m compelled to look into those eyes again. Brown, hazel, green; depending on the lighting or weather they can be any of those colours, but I always find myself falling in regardless. There’s no reason for it. How layers of cells and pigments can trap me so hopelessly like it’s hypnosis, how even a scraping glance reminds me of our bests and worsts, how I want to look in there forever and ever, a bottomless well of all that was and could be and all that I want. “Well, since it’s got you looking all red like this, I really should.”

I just hope that you feel the same. I hope my thoughts are wrong. I hope I don’t make you uncomfortable. I hope that I can be good enough for you (but how can I)?

And I wish, I really fucking wish, that

   we never lose each other

      but I know it’s going to happen anyway

It’s going to happen anyway

and it hurts.

It hurts like a teddy bear on the ground in an abandoned house. A cracked picture frame. Sleepless nights with only tomorrow for comfort. Returning, over and over again, to the places I keep promising myself not to go to. 

Knowing that, at some point, we’ll walk together for the last time. Kiss each other for the last time. Eat together, dance together, listen to the same song together for the last time. 

So I’ll walk alone. I’ll pleasure myself. I’ll eat alone, dance alone, listen to that song until it becomes monotonous and you’ll become a stranger or a ghost or die forever and the initials so painfully carved into my heart will become fetid. Everywhere I look I’ll see your face and hear your voice and feel your warmth and smell your breath. I’ll do it, I’ll fucking do it and loathe every moment of it.

Oh, Jean, if only we could run away and gossip and lay in the sun together somewhere far away where there’s a big field and lots of flowers and a clear stream that brings us cool, fresh water and berries from the forest. Where it’s always daytime, except when it’s not, and I’ll weave flowers into your beautiful hair and you’ll do the same for me and we’ll look to the open sky, with nothing to obstruct us, no buildings, no wires, no light, and there are so many stars, beautiful and so bright, so wonderful that it’ll take your breath away like a little kid seeing dinosaurs and we’ll lay for hours in the weeds together and just look at them until the sun comes back up. And we’ll be so happy we’ll cry. Just us and nothing else. 

But I know that what I want isn’t what you want. I know that. So I’ll do the right thing. I’ll do the right thing! I said I’ll do it, so leave me alone. 

Now Jean’s breath rustles my hair. “Hey.” 

At some point I started looking at his shoes. They’re creased and dirty. Not because he can’t afford them, but because he doesn’t know how to take care of his stuff. “Really, Jean.” I suck in a big breath disguised as a yawn to maybe disguise the wetness — sorry, moistness — of my eyes and point at his feet. “You’re like a little kid sometimes.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“So dirty.”

“My shoes? It’s only a little bit.” 

I raise an eyebrow. 

“It looks cool like that. Doesn’t it look cool like that?” 

“Okay, Jean.” The slurpee machine hums again and I’m drawn to the mechanical whirring. Who cares if there’s rat poop or salmonella or whatever in there. I’m a little thirsty and my throat could use some loosening before I start croaking. 

“It— it’s cool, right?” Jean leans against the wall, right behind the stack of cups that jut out horizontally, packed together so densely the transparent plastic becomes opaque. I slide one out of the holder and snap one of the lids out of their holders, too, and combine them before angling the cup under one of the spouts. 

“I dunno, Jean,” I say, pushing down the plunger. Synthetic heaven plops into the cup, making it jump at the initial impact. I look back in time to see him get a cup of his own. “You’ll have to ask yourself that.”

“That usually means no,” he says glumly, setting his cup down to fill. “It’s fine.” He’ll be getting coke on the bottom and cherry on the top, like he always does. “I know how to use a laundry machine. Just like you taught me.”

Sliding my cup underneath a different spout, I smile. “Good boy. You’re learning so well.”

Jean watches his cup overflow. 

“Oh. Jean. Jean .” I grab his wrist and take his hand off the lever. I shouldn’t have said that. “Wake up, Jean.” His face matches the artificially dyed cherry smeared over the hand he’s using to hold the cup and I laugh. “Jean, come on. We have to ask the guy for paper towels.” I pull him back in the direction we came from. “ Jean .”

“I’m coming.” He takes a few heavy steps before pulling himself together, tensed as if electrified. 

The guy behind the counter has earbuds in with the wires wrapped backwards around his ears and doesn’t notice us until we’re a few paces away. He jumps and fumbles to take one out. “Uh, you guys ready to check out?” His eyes, maybe a little wider than they should be given the circumstances, are drawn to Jean’s hand. “You’re… just getting the one slurpee?”

“Uh, no, we… our stuff is back with the slurpee machine.” What am I saying? Jean’s always been the better one at talking. “We, uh, need to clean up. Paper towels!” I squeeze Jean’s hand but it seems he’s still in stupor, melted cherry slushy dripping to the floor. 

“Oh,” is all the cashier says.

“Can we have some paper towels, please?” I continue. “We made a mess with the machine.”

The cashier seems to relax a bit. “Oh.”

“I’m really sorry. We’ll help clean up. Like, you don’t even need to do anything, just tell us where the paper towels are—”

“No, it’s all good, it’s my job. Plus it gets pretty boring here y’know?” He smiles and his teeth are crooked. “I’ll grab ‘em.” And he disappears behind the employee-only door. 

I wait a second or two before elbowing Jean lightly.

“Ow!”

“You alright, zombie?” I ask, trying not to let too much tease slip into my voice.

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” He looks at his slurpee-d hand, brings it to his face, and wraps his lips around the base of his thumb to slurp the area where the juice drips out. Then his mouth opens a bit more and his tongue inches out, up the side of his palm against the cup, in and out, motions intended to lap up every last drop of the juice like it was never even there in the first place. His other hand rubs firm circles into mine as he goes back to licking the base of his thumb, making small slurping noises. “Mmm,” he moans as he runs his tongue from his hand to the tip of the cup, and now I realize his smug eyes have been on me the whole time, “tastes good. Un goût de paradis. ”

“You didn’t pay for that,” I say as flatly as possible without bursting on the spot.

“It’s fine, it’s just the drops.” He smirks. “You’d change your mind if you knew what it tasted like.”

“And what does it taste like?”

“Maybe,” his leer deepens as he leans in, pulling my hand gently, “I could show you. But…” he pulls back at the last second. “Nah!”

It smacks me in the face like a dead fish. “You— Kirsch—” use your big girl words!— “bastard.”

He chuckles as something metal drops behind the door; another few seconds and the cashier comes back out with a thick roll of the brown paper towels they use in bathrooms (the ones that can’t absorb for shit). “Sorry about the wait,” he huffs, one earbud still clinging to his ear as the other dangles from the neckline of his green uniform. “Hard to find anything in there.” He opens a little side door to get out from behind the counter and his feet drag a little as he walks toward the slurpee machines. Looking over his shoulder, he says, “you guys are coming, right?”

“Right behind you.” Jean calls, this time leading me back.

The cashier tears some of the paper and starts mopping up some of the stuff on the grill, though only succeeds in pushing the little chunks that are left into the gutter. He clicks his tongue and starts murmuring Spanish obscenities. 

“Here.” Jean hands me a piece of paper towel and I take it, getting to work on the ground. The cashier shuffles aside to make room and I utter a quick thanks. As expected, the towels don’t really absorb, but push the liquid around. 

“Maybe you should lick this up, too,” I tease as Jean kneels beside me. 

“Funny.”

But we do manage to clean it up. We toss the soiled paper into a hole built into the slurpee counter for garbage as the cashier continues to scrape the grill. He sighs, bringing his hand up while balling up the napkin and letting it slap against the side of his thigh. “No use here, I’ll get it later. But, uh, thanks for helping out.” Nodding, he tosses the garbage at the garbage hole and misses. 

Jean bats it in for him. “No problem, man.”

He nods again. I can see his name tag, now that he’s closer: 

CONNIE

“It was nothing, really,” I smile. “Thanks, Connie.”

“I’ll be at the counter when you guys’re ready.” He returns the gesture before shuffling away. 

“Well.” Jean collects our little hoard. “You think this is enough?”

Pocky, gummies, chips, marshmallows. And the slurpees. “I know that’s enough.” I cling to his arm like a parasite. “Let’s go.”

Jean pays, we say our goodbyes to Connie, and then we leave. Back to the buzzing and the empty sky, just the same as before, except with food and a vague destination in mind. 

“You know,” I say, swallowing the slurpee still in my mouth, “did that guy seem familiar? Or is it just me?”

“The cashier?”

“Yeah, Connie.”

“Huhh…” Jean licks his lips which are already cherry red. “I don’t think I’ve seen him around school before. But you’re right, he does seem familiar. It’s weird.”

“Maybe,” I muse, throwing him a teasing look, “in another life, you guys did laundry and taxes together.”

“No way,” he chuckles. “We definitely would’ve done something cooler together. Like, fight giants, or something.”

“Giants.” I grin. “Tell me about these giants.”

He shrugs. “They’re big. And they’re naked all the time.”

“Wooow.” 

“What?” he laughs. “They don’t have enough cloth to make clothes so they just go naked all the time! Except in Malaysia.”

“What?”

“And they run really weird, and the girl giants have these—” he charades huge boobs— “giant tits—”

“What about the guy giants?”

He pauses. “They don’t have anything.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing at all?”

He scowls. “Why do you wanna know so bad?”

“Nothing.” I shrug. “Are the giants good-looking, at least?”

“The important ones are.”

“Hmm.” I take another slurp. “So I could have a cute, important, constantly naked, big tiddie giant girlfriend.”

“No.”

“Huh?”

“All the giants wanna eat people.”

“Eat people, huh? I can live with that.” 

Jean snorts and rolls his eyes. “Okay.”

We walk in silence until the next streetlight. “On second thought,” I start, “I think, in another life, you guys would survive the zombie apocalypse together.”

“Zombie apocalypse,” Jean echoes. “Why do I feel like I’d die first?”

“You almost do. But Connie sacrifices himself for you.”

He hmms . “Then you’d be part of the secondary group of survivors that ends up betraying the main force.”

“That’s weirdly specific. So I end up betraying you?”

“It’s okay because we join forces in the end.” He shrugs. “Either that or I charm you to our side.”

I grin. “You do, do you.”

== little person

The walk to the park is a short one, and before long the entrance is visible down the void road. A cold drop lands on my hand.

“Huh, we’re almost there.” Jean shifts the bags of chips in hand — the pocky is in his pocket. “Then—” his eye twitches strangely— “ah! Did a bird just shit in my eye?”

“What?” I sputter as another drop lands on my cheek. “There’s no birds. I think it’s raining.”

Blinking hard, Jean utters, “rain?” 

We look up at the same time. The sky is no longer cloudless, and the familiar pitter-patter emanates from the roofs around us. We look back at each other.

Well, shit.

“It’s not that bad,” I start. Jean opens his mouth to reply but something suddenly falls on my head. 

Rather, a downpour of rain, like water from a bucket, pushes me down. It’s loud! Loud like firecrackers.

“Holy shit!” Jean squawks, barely heard above the sound of rain. “No! My slurpee!”

The coke and cherries is on the ground now, cratering with every heavy raindrop that lands in it. I snatch his now-free hand.

“Forget it! We have to go!”

His face is devastated, but he nods. No recovery. I jut my head in the direction of the park; he nods again, and we make a break for it.

Being the taller one, Jean could easily outpace me, but we run side by side, feet sloshing first in the asphalt then in the grass as we finally make it to the park. “There!” he cries, pointing at the nearest tree that looks like it could provide some decent cover. I run until I feel my legs are going to give out and we crash under the leafy cover like it’s the finish line to a marathon, not letting go of each other even when our clasped hands crack into the tree’s trunk and we smack into each other on the other side with the full force of our momentum. 

“Hooo!” Jean huffs. There’s no light in the park but I still can’t miss the wild look in his eyes, the way his hair drips and sticks to his forehead, just long enough to brush his upturned eyebrows. “You alright?” 

“Yeah!” I cheer, feeling a laugh bubbling out. There’s no houses here, and probably no people. Who cares anyway? The sudden escapade snapped me into a different state. “Yeah, I’m good! Are you okay?”

“I’m soaked!” His huffs turn into a laugh and he waves vaguely at the sky. “So much for a picnic, huh?”

I blink a few times, then open my eyes wide. There’s no lights installed at the park, at least none that are on at this hour, but even in the pitch dark I know where the main areas are. “Why don’t we go to the pavilion?” I yell, turning back to face him. 

“Mmp!” Jean pulls his head back, but not quick enough. “As you wish, darling,” he garbles quickly, wiping the corner of his mouth. 

My jaw drops and I hold up my cup. The juice is now half of its original volume. “You little—” Without thinking, I swing the bag of marshmallows at his head but he blocks it easily with his arm. 

“I couldn’t help it!” he bursts, dribbling a small amount onto the mulch floor with a splat .

The words die in my throat as we stare at the regurgitation. A moment later Jean takes off and I swear I see the raindrops fly off. 

“Jean!” What choice do I have? I pursue.

The thief never strays more than a few feet ahead, allowing me a few more rain-laced swings before a picnic bench suddenly appears in front of us. At the last minute Jean manages to slam his feet onto the bench part and leap onto the table, but I don’t lift my knees high enough and the wood dings my shins and before the pain has time to register the soaked, half-rotten tabletop screams toward me

and when it’s supposed to hurt, it doesn’t. 

Vision isn’t required to know that my face is squished up against Jean’s palms which cushion me from the wood. His wet hands peel off and travel to my shoulders. “Shit! Are you okay?”

Now my legs hurt. I blink at his blurry face and put my hands over his. The stuff I was carrying is on the ground now; I’m kneeling on the bench. “You saved me.”

“Of course.” 

“Even though I hit you with marshmallows.”

“Darling.” He takes my hands in his, clasping them between our bodies. We’re soaked thoroughly now; the sweater I have stupidly unzipped weighs down heavily on my shoulders and rainwater constantly runs into my eyes and the valley of my lips, while Jean’s bangs are plastered to his forehead, eyelashes clumped together, and rain drips from the end of his nose onto our hands. “I would save you if it killed me.”

Then save me now. 

Tell me you won’t accept that program at Stohess. Tell me we can go away somewhere far, far enough to avoid going to a school I don’t want for a degree I don’t want for a future I don’t want. 

At the very least, tell me I can find the strength to break away from it all and make something decent out of this life that I’ve forcefully been granted. 

How do you do it? How do you forge your own path, create a light that’s so blinding it renders me a moth? How do you find the courage? 

I bring the bundle of our hands close to my face, let my breath run down the slick side of the back of Jean’s palm. “I would do the same for you.” And gently, as if handling the most precious jewel, I press my lips against the ridge of his knuckles and whisper, “ mon chéri. ”

Rain continues to fall in that familiar, comforting hum as it patters softly onto the grass and soil and leaves and wood. Jean stays silent for so long and if not for the look in his eyes I would think he didn’t hear me at all. But his lips crack open, and it takes a few tries for him to say what he wants. 

“I… I wish…” His Adam’s apple bobs and rests precariously on his throat, holding the power of the things left unsaid. “I wish you’d finally admit that you’re a bigger flirt than I am.”

Out of reflex I scoff and release myself from his grasp to pull some hair off my face, covering the blow of his sudden change of heart that makes my insides feel as if they’d been scraped on hot concrete and poured back in. “You’re insane, Kirschtein.” No, it’s stupid and selfish of me to expect him to say something. 

Shrugging plainly, he rubs his palms against his knees as if to dry them (ha ha), but gets up a moment later to pick some things off the grass. He returns a moment later with the pocky and gummies and drops them on the table before dropping down himself. The pocky box is soggy. “Let’s have our picnic right here.”

I shoot him a skeptical look which I hope he sees. “In the rain?”

“I know it’s your favourite weather.” His voice is soft and he speaks as if he had committed a grave sin. 

“What if you get sick?” Now I remember to zip up my sweater. 

His eyes follow the movement. “I can take care of myself.”

Fat chance of that, boy. “What if I get sick?”

“I’ll take care of you.”

I take a seat beside him on the table, feet on the bench. “And if we both get sick?”

He smiles a little. “Then I can hold you without worrying about transferring anything.”

“And you’re not a flirt.”

“What—” he opens the pack of gummies with a plastic crackle— “ever,” and sets the package between our bodies. 

These are Jean’s favourite snacks. I’m sure he’s gotten sick by eating too many of these before, but he was convinced it was something else he ate. Idly, he pops one in his mouth, and I follow suit. They do taste good, though. 

“Wonder if anyone’s ever been here this late,” Jean mumbles as I open the pocky. 

“I’m sure they have. And I’m sure they will be.” I draw a length of the strawberry-coated stick like a sword and crunch. “None of them are idiotic enough to have a picnic when it’s raining, though, so we’re probably a first for that.”

He chuckles. “Pioneers, I’m sure.”

We eat in silence. The rain slows down, but doesn’t let up. 

What am I doing here? What’s even the point of this? It’s only going to hurt me more, spending time with a ghost like this. 

“Jean.”

“Hm?”

“Do you know the pocky game?”

“Hmm?”

“You know.” I stick one of the candies in my mouth and point to the other end. 

Jean only looks more confused, and, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I pry open his lips with two fingers and probe him with the pink tip. A strange and perhaps exaggerated noise gargles out of him — the candy slips from my grasp and falls. 

“What the heck!” He bristles like a cat, even in the rain. “Stop laughing!” 

“You’re— you’re supposed to bite it,” I choke. “Why do you look so scared?” 

“I was just surprised .” He shimmies another stick out. “Let’s do it again. It’s just like Lady and the Tramp, right? Come on, let’s do it. Stop that!” 

My attempt to stifle the giggles is piss-poor and Jean knows it. But I stop when I feel him grasp my chin and turn my head toward him. 

“So,” he says slowly around the pocky in his mouth, “are we gonna do this?”

Smiling, I bite the other end, and then we’re connected. The stick vibrates as Jean starts to nibble, and when I follow suit he puts his hand down. We inch closer—

Crunch!

Our eyes widen. 

Wordlessly, Jean lets go of his end of the stick, finds the source of the disturbance, and holds it up sheepishly. 

The entire bag of pocky, compressed to dust under his palm. 

“Whoops.”

I stare. 

“I’m sorry.”

I push the remainder of our pocky in my mouth and chew. 

“Fuck, I’ll— we can go back to the store and get another box. Hey. Don’t turn away…”

Wow, that tree over there sure looks interesting. 

“Forgive me?”

I turn back. He looks absolutely crushed. (As he should.)

“I know they’re your favourite.” His head hangs. “I’ll…” Without warning, he grabs the bag of gummies and dumps the sweets on the ground. They tumble and disappear from view. 

What!

“There. Now we’re even.” He looks up and smiles, shaking the plastic. 

“What— Jean— what’d you do that for?”

“I wanted us to be in the same boat. It’s my fault for destroying the pocky anyway… and both of our slurpees… and I stepped on the chips when I jumped on the bench so I ruined that too. Plus I nearly got you killed.” He shrugs. “Retribution.”

My chest shrivels in on itself. “I didn’t care that much. Those were your favourite.”

“And the pocky was yours. Besides, we still have marshmallows.”

Pointing, I say, “I dropped them back there.” 

“Oh.”

‘Oh’ indeed. I put my hands flat on the table behind me — despite how grimy — and lean back. 

“We’re never gonna finish all these, y’know. ” Guess he was right. 

One sigh turns into another, and soon I’m giggling like a schoolgirl. The rain falls all over my face, my neck, and runs down my shirt, like tiny tickling fingers. This is ridiculous. Here are two stupid dumb teenagers, at three in the morning in the rain, sitting on a bench surrounded by crushed wrappers and gummies and pocky crumbs. How does one even end up in this situation? They must be so young and in love. They must have no worries at all. Just two stupid dumb teenagers and nothing more. 

Humans can only know each other so much. Words can only do so much. Actions, too. 

Maybe, somewhere far away, far into the future or perhaps the past, someone will truly understand the sort of predicament I’m in. 

But it’s a little selfish of me to be comforted by that thought when I don’t even try to make others understand. 

“What’s so funny?”

I let my eyes roll shut. It’s a mistake to spend money on me, Jean. Just run away now before I absorb you like an amoeba. “Nothing. Nothing is funny.” Well, I don’t have to worry about that, since we’re leaving each other anyway! 

It doesn’t matter. What makes you think you can sustain a healthy relationship when you obviously have your own issues? What makes you think you deserve him? You suck away at his happiness like a vampire. You make it so hard for people to be happy. You’re horrid. 

The rain becomes vulgar and suddenly I hate the way it touches every inch of me. 

“Hey.” Jean’s voice is soft, tentative. “Are you okay?”

The wood turns to slime under my palms. “Yeah. I’m just tired.” Maybe we should head home soon, I almost add, but I can’t. “Hey, Jean.” To my dismay, I open my eyes, and the world blinks back at me. Like it’s pissed at me for ever imagining it could disappear. But when I look at him it makes everything a little bit better. 

== cry

Piece of shit. 

A deep booming emanates from the ground like a great burrowing beast about to snap out but it’s just distant thunder. 

“Yeah?” He’s in the same position I’m in, leaned back, eyes shut to the elements. Hair still glued to his forehead but slowly pushing back. Trembling ever so slightly with the shivers. Idiot boy. 

Ever so slowly as to not disturb him or the picnic table, I stand, put my foot down on the other side of him, and come back down, weight fully balanced on his hip, effectively straddling him. He flinches at initial contact but otherwise doesn’t move as I wrap my arms around his chest 

and cling to him

   like a parasite. 

      Please just hold me. 

Another wave of trembles strikes Jean as he lowers himself so he lies flat against the wood and I lay flat on him. His arms wrap around me a moment later. 

I don’t want to think. Jean pulls me a little tighter against that waterlogged hoodie but I don’t mind. My balled hands are getting crushed under our weight and they’re probably hell on his back so I flatten them as much as possible and grasp him. Just us.

Just us, just us, just us…

Jean speaks first, breaking the vow of silence. “You know—” his voice cracks— “we only have three weeks left.” 

That’s it. That’s all it takes for the pit in my stomach to open up so quickly I’m surprised Jean doesn’t get stabbed with it. For the dread to boil over and suddenly take control of my entire body, render me prone, double my mass. “Don’t.” That word was too weak even for me. 

“I’m really… I’m really going to miss you.” The arms tighten and force some air out of me but this time the contact does nothing to help smooth me out.

Stop talking. 

He keeps going. “I can’t ignore it for much longer.”

“Stop.” 

“I try to and I can’t. I’m…” Jean’s chest jerks beneath me as his breaths turn shuddering. The floodgates. “I’m just scared.”’

My throat hurts so much it’s like it’s going to collapse in on itself and my eyes burn and it’s hard to breathe—

“You’ve been the best thing to ever happen to me. And now I have to leave you.”

“Stop,” I rasp, but apparently not loud enough. 

“When we— when we part ways—”

“Don’t.”

“—I hope you find someone who’s better. Someone who doesn’t get emotional over dumb shit, someone who can treat you right, someone with an actual future—”

I smack his chest with it. My hand. Not hard at all. But enough to get him to stop . 

“Jean…” I rise back into a somewhat sitting position. His chin is wrinkled and he’s biting his lip so hard and we lock eyes for a shattering second before he turns his head. Red eyes in a sea of sadness. 

What… do I say now?

“You do have a future.”

He scoffs and the smirk is like razors to the eye. “Because I’m going to make it so far with an art degree.”

“Jean, you’re doing what you want to do. Who cares if you don’t end up getting a ‘traditional’ job? You’re gonna be happy with your life.” Which is a lot more than I can say for myself. 

Jean brings his gaze down to look at the table. “Yeah, you’re right.” His hands slide from my back to the outsides of my thighs. “It’s going to be different without you, though.” 

Deep breath doesn’t do anything. “It’s going to be different without you, too.”

He gives my legs a chaste squeeze, perhaps of comfort. Breathily, he asks, “what now?”

“We enjoy the time left together.”

“And after?”

“We don’t think about after.”

“We have to think about after.”

“Jean…” 

He thinks for a few seconds. “We could try long distance.”

“Jean.”

“I mean, sometimes it works, sometimes. As long as we keep communicating, it should be fine. Right? Yeah. Yeah…” Somewhere, a lone mourning dove calls, its familiar swooping cry piercing the dark. “Say something.”

“I don’t…” know. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“What if it does?” He shifts up on his elbows. “What is there to lose?”

The idea comes immediately to mind but it’s harder to put into words. Late-night research on advice boards and internet forums only proved that everything that can go bad does go bad, and imagining Jean or even me in any of those scenarios renders me feeble. It could work, but it could also fail spectacularly. I don’t want to lose him in one of those ways. 

But, at the same time, I’d rather not lose him at all. 

Jean waits, expectation heavy in his upturned eyes. Who am I kidding. Of course I’d take that risk. “Yeah. You’re right.” I bite the inside of my lip and worry it between my teeth. “It could work.” Because that’s what everyone says before it all goes south. 

Worst case scenario, he walks off with another person to love. At least he’ll be happy. He’ll have a real person to look at. Maybe someone less miserable and self-pitying and broody. Someone better-looking, for sure. Someone who he can rely on, instead of a brick wall who can’t express its feelings. Yeah, that would be nice. They’d meet in college through a shared passion for art and make it through the hardships of life together in a crappy little one-bedroom studio apartment that’s lit by yellowed fluorescents overlooking some shady alleyway that he’s definitely saved them from. Walls covered in portraits of each other, blurry polaroids, their favourite albums, photos of graffitied underpasses and empty parking lots that would be so meaningless to anyone else. Windows open in the summer to let in the breeze because on extra humid days it smells like wood. Windows open in the winter because the colder the air, the more burning hot their skin feels against the other as their limbs tangle under the warm pile of blankets on the couch as they watch their show together, even though they’ve seen it enough times to quote every line. Communicating, at every opportunity, how much they mean to each other and their concerns and their plans, quick chats as they pass each other on the way to class, hours-long nighttime discussions that never seem to end. Words strung together so intricately that neither of them gets up out of bed the morning the same as they were last night. 

“What are you thinking about?”

I’m still staring into his eyes. “Just— the future.”

His jaw starts grinding again. “You really hate talking about yourself, don’t you?”

“It’s not—” I start to say before Jean suddenly sits up at a right angle, bracing a hand behind my back so I don’t fall backwards. His eyes fixed on me the whole time. 

“It’s not what?” There’s a furrow in his brow. “Not important?” 

Suddenly, I realize my hands are on his chest.

“Listen, I know you have… trouble with speaking up sometimes, and the last thing I want to do is force you to do anything you don’t want to do. But—” his hands tighten around my thighs— “sometimes I can’t read your mind, and I can’t help you; all I know is that you’re struggling all by yourself and I’m sitting there useless. Listen—” his breath gives out, and he tries again: “listen. I’m not— I want to help you. Especially now. So if you have anything to say, please, please say it.”

At some point the rain had slowed to a drizzle. 

Do something. Say something meaningful. For once in your life, please, just open your stupid fucking mouth and say something. 

I’m scared too I’m really scared of the future and I want us to run away together and live in the weeds and the one-bedroom apartments I want to stand outside with you in the alleyway I want to have a picnic with you in the underpass I want you to steal my slurpee I want to make you laugh I want to make you happy I want to give you this teddy bear let’s take pictures of each other I’ll teach you how to make a flower braid I want to forget the whole world and all the human animals it can be just us I’ll come out of my dark corner and drag you back in we can be together and never come out just be with me and I’ll be happy wherever

“I’m not really thinking of much.”

“Why don’t you look me in the eye and say that?”

Layers of cells and pigment. Jean’s eyes and my own. My lips part but it’s as if my throat’s turned into a deep, dry well. Something. Something… “When— if —” I inhale— “if we don’t make it, find someone who can treat you right.”

He blinks. “That’s what you’re thinking about?”

“The times I spent with you have been the most precious parts of my life. So if you decide to spend your time with someone else, that’s fine. You’ve given me enough happiness to last a lifetime, you know?”

“What the hell are you spouting,” he grunts. “That’s never gonna fucking happen. Don’t you— are you listening? I’m never doing that.” Now his hands are on my arms. “Don’t you realize how much you mean to me?”

“I don’t think you know a whole lot about me.” Stohess University, his sweater says in big embroidered letters. “Sorry. Don’t worry about it.” Fuck, I sound edgy. Please don’t pursue the subject. 

“No, I will worry about it. Hey, look at me.” He pulls my chin up. “I’m allowed to worry about you too, you know? Do you really think by not saying anything I’ll just go on about my day like it’s nothing? Fuck. I care about you. Why can’t you realize that?” Jean’s eyes glisten dangerously. “You— you do care about me, right?”

That’s it. I grind my teeth so hard they might shatter as the hole in my gut deepens. “Of course I do.” You don’t know how much you mean to me and the fact that I made you this upset makes me want to condense into a dark point and disappear forever. How could I be so stupid? 

“Then let me care about you too.”

Treating him like a little kid without any emotions. Shunning him to the point he feels… uncared for. Discarded. My doing. 

Are you ever going to tell him that you love him?

No you’re stupid you’re a hormonal teenager who’s emotional about growing up stop being such a baby and think about your future that’s what matters that’s all that will ever matter get a job that will make mommy and daddy proud 

   I don’t want to see you with that boy again 

      big kids don’t cry

“Darling?”

A rough warm thumb swipes the skin under my eye and takes away the hot tears that make everything so blurry. Piercing throat pain. “I can’t see you, Jean.”

“You’re crying.”

== everything

“No… I’m not.”

But even as I say it a warm drop runs down my cheek and not a moment later it’s wiped away and he plants a most delicate kiss in its place. There’s something wrong with my breath because I can’t seem to inhale smoothly. 

“Just let it out, my love.”

“I can’t— I can’t see you.” The words come out half-mumbled and airy. 

“Shhh.” He envelops me in his grasp, arms wrapped carefully around me, chest to chest, chin to shoulder, and I find myself clinging on like a parasite. “I’m right here. I’m not leaving you. I’m right here for you. Right here.”

“Jean—” I gulp. “I—” 

“Shhh.” And his chest vibrates as he hums and rocks and I don’t think I’ve been held like this in a very long time. 

His body so warm beneath me, his arms so secure. Nothing to hear and nothing to see. 

I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. 

Breath after jerky breath

   is it finally my turn?

      is it okay like this?

         it’s okay, right?

            it’s safe. 

Jean doesn’t stop. When I twitch or gasp or burrow into him he doesn’t stop, he mutters and sways and holds me as I sob and dirty his shoulder and I don’t think he’ll ever let go. I don’t want him to. 

At some point in the morning, when the park is alive with the sounds of birds, the convulsions stop, and so does Jean, pulling me off and scanning my face.

“Don’t.”

He ignores me, though, and wipes everything revolting off my face with his sleeve. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” 

“I got emotional.”

“I know.” Without an ounce of hesitation, he presses his lips against my forehead and holds it there. “Thank you.”

I take a deep breath and it somehow seems easier than before. “Three weeks.”

“Three weeks.” Jean returns to eye level. 

“Do you ever get that feeling of missing something that isn’t gone yet?”

“Don’t say that. Don’t say that you miss me.”

“Do you miss me?”

He pushes some hair off my face. “With every fiber of my being.”

Slowly, I do the same — pulling his bangs so that they split on the left side of his face, sweeping them to the side. Jean shuts his eyes as I work and tilts his head forward but I don’t know if he’s conscious of it or not. Meticulously placing every damp lock. He doesn’t open his eyes again until I’m finished. 

The time will pass, dates will tick by like seconds. And when it’s finally time, the inevitable will happen. 

Goodbyes hurt the most when the story isn’t finished. 

Maybe, in another life, it goes on for a little longer. 

A story with just us. 

⋅ ⋆ ─────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────── ⋅ ⋆

one fun fact is that i have never stepped foot into a 7-11 before. i just based it off circle k. makes me wonder why i chose 7-11 in the first place. (if you happen to be one of the four pocket hamsters in a single trench coat that read my zombie au fic, the reference here isn't a spoiler. or is it??? haha just kidding. maybe.) thanks for reading my dumpter fire! to be honest i was a little embarrassed posting it but whatever its ao3tumblr. i hope every single one of you experiences a clear night sky and/or strawberry pocky in the forseeable future. take care :) secret tumblr-excluive a/n: am i doing it right? does my post like nice and pretty? did i spend an hour formatting the cover? no i didn't!!

[thesharktanksdriver]

Voices (Platonic)

From as early as you could remember you never felt truly alone in this world

Even after being left with no parents

Just only as yourself against this great big world you

A young kid without a cent to your name nor a home to go to

Just the open land and the small towns you’d end up staying at for momentary rest

Despite all the odds set against you

Despite the fact your should’ve been dead within the month you were left to die

You persevered

You survived

With only the help of yourself and the voices in your head that would advise you of what to do

As odd as that sounds the voices had been the closest thing you’d had to Friends and a family

The chorus of them telling you how to survive

That you need to ration food, that not clear water was to be avoided when you needed a drink, scavenge for food

There were many of them in the depths of your mind

All of which sounded distinct yet melded together into a symphony

But out of the sea of them one always stuck out from the rest

The others would quiet when he spoke, a deep yet relaxed voice that would echo

He’d speak only a few times when the others were indecisive, but when he did there was a certain air to it

He was the leader of them

His opinion was final to them as was your own on the subject you needed help on

Though his options could be…less law abiding than they probably should be it was for your sake

So your follow his suggestions to get by

You travel from place to place

Going to the west coast in the winter

Traveling everywhere else when summer and spring rolled around

It wasn’t easy but that was your life

Living off the land and mother natures resources

You’d push though the hours from sunrise to sunset

Falling asleep as they sing you lullabies within the confines of your mind

Cooing at how adorable you looked as you curled up under some scraps of cloth

Looking up towards the stars as the leader of them told you myths of their creation

How the constellations that had guided your way had stories tied to them

Like Orion forget hunting Ursa Major in the night sky

Life is strenuous but it is worth it to survive

You end up in yet another town on your travels after grabbing some apples from an orchard

They leave a sweet coating of juice in your mouth as you duck into an alleyway for shade

The voices (whom at this point told to you to call them “chat”) talking within your mind

Spouting out small ideas of what to do next as you take a swig of water

You’d found a flask a couple weeks back from an old drunkard

He was passed out so you took it as your own

Washed it out and replacing it with water on the suggestion of chat

Apparently the amber liquid stored in it wasn’t good for you

“So where to next?”

“ I say we go to cali” “nah I say Canada” “oh, oh! What about Kansas” “New York?” “Eh, unless you want them to be stabbed the minute they arrive” “hey New York isn’t that bad, it’s Chicago you have to worry about” “average New Yorker L” “oh screw off-“

“Heading to San Diego should be a focus for us. It’s getting colder and it’ll take awhile to get there”

The others quiet down hearing the voice whom called himself “Techno” speak

Then erupting in murmured agreements making you nod

You get up from sitting on a nearby box when you suddenly hear something

Shouting along with the scream of a woman

Despite the protests of chat you stalk further into the alley

Picking up a stray beer bottle as you peak out from behind a corner

There’s a man with his back facing you, in ragged clothes as he holds a woman with what seems to be a knife pointed at her

Across from him is a man, presumably her husband with long golden locks that curled at the ends

He’s glaring at the mugger, before his eyes fall on you

Your eyes are trained on the man holding the woman hostage

The broken bottle in your hand feeling lighter as you feel a feeling wash over you

Blood

You wanted- no NEEDED blood

Blood for the blood god is changed in your head as you see red

Everything is a blur

One moment your gripping the broken bottle about to help the lady and the next your standing over the injured form of the mugger

Blood splattered on your face and hands as the lady you saved and her husband kneel down and look at your worriedly

Curious, no one except the voices had ever expressed care for you

Others would look at you in disdain and anger for just existing

Yet these obviously well off couple are wiping the blood off your face

“Dear lord are you ok?! Funny! Should we get them to a doctor?”

“Ill go get one and try to find their parents-“

“I don’t have those, also I don’t really have the money for a doctor. Thanks for the offer though”

They both go silent at that, staring at you with confusion that morphs into horror

“So your saying your an orph-“

“Nononono, I am NOT and orphan.” You pause for a moment thinking of how to phrase is before responding back with “I’m just a child without any adult figures in their life left to fend on their own. I’m not a blood sucking orphan, there’s a difference” Via the suggestion of one of the voices

Honestly for them to even suggest that makes the voices get all rowdy in your head

Calling the two “plebs” and mumbling “common L”

You swear if you weren’t used to this you’d have a migraine by now

Both look at you even more worried

Glancing back to one another before the woman offers you a hand

Your hesitant to take it but decided to do so when they offer to take you in

An opportunity you knew you couldn’t pass up

The couple you now formally knew as scarlet and Funny Valentine take you in as their own after this encounter

It’s weird for you at first

For all your life you had to fight for everything

Food, water and clothes were luxuries you barely came across

At night you’d almost freeze and in the days you’d be baked alive by the sun

So now having all resources without so much as a word is confusing

It’s certainly nice…but still something you need to get used to

Both Scarlet and Finny are understanding though

They seem to know that this a process for you

And are understanding when you don’t initially trust them or seem confused when they tell you to have a brush your hair in the morning

You can’t eat a lot at first, your body not being able to handle it

It’s still hard getting used to having a full stomach rather than empty on the point of collapse

Funny is especially empathetic though

Handing you the foods in which you desire as you take small nibbles

Slowly and slowly filling yourself up and upping the amounts you eat as time progresses

Chat helps ease you into this as well, telling you to take things slowly

Telling you when to up the proportions slightly as your meals get bigger

In this time you find yourself often talking to the man whom had taken you in

His conversations with you are warm-hearted

Often tinged in a certain sweetness as he sits beside you on the countertop

Munching down on an apple as you talked of the stories told to you

Odysseus and his journey home

The fate of Jason and the karma of it

Or the tragedy of Orpheus and Eurydice

To your surprise he finds himself interested as you regale these tales

No one but chat had ever really listened to you

So you enjoy these small moments with him as he tells his own

Particularly of his father and philosophy of the napkin analogy that he uses on a day to day basis

You grow into a routine and the normality of your new home

Fresh meals, hot baths and comfortable clothes

Being able to have the privilege to be able to say you have a loving set of parents

One’s who helped you with your education and let you run free

A year or two later you began gardening after seeing the large estate seeming rather empty

Just an empty lot of greenery, not even used for flowers

Scarlet and Funny let you begin your garden that slowly grows in size

You grow many vegetables and Berries but more specifically potato’s

Techno had extensive knowledge due to something he called the “potato war”

So your in particularly good hands when you begin to grow the crop

It is during that time that you begin to see a figure

It starts off as small glances at first

In the corner of your eyes as a translucent figure momentarily catches it

But then you see it…well rather him more consistently

Until finally one night you fully interact with the figure

It’s another late night that you find yourself laying awake in bed

It is dark yet your not afraid

You were used to pitch darkness by now, your eyes adjusted to the lack of light letting you get up and navigate out your room

The long hallways creaking quietly beneath the weight of your footsteps

Wool socks cushioning the sound ever so slightly as you sneak through the olds halls

By now you know the house by heart

Knowing where all the loose floorboards are and how the last step of the stairs bended too much into the hardwood ground so you had to be slightly careful

You end up in the kitchen like usual

Picking up a small snack of an orange

Turning around to see the figure

Long pink hair, a crown placed upon his head, red cape lined with soft fur and a mask of a pig

Tusks poking out giving him a more intimidating look

Your hand grabs a nearby knife holding it out to him defensively

“Easy kiddo, it’s just me”

Your eyes widen at that familiar voice as Chat begins yelling in your mind

“Holy shit!” “Plot twist of the century” “look at him! Our boy!” “Damn he be looking stylish” “the drip fr” “the blood god and the blood messiah”

“Blood messiah?”

“Yeah…so here’s the deal kid”

He tells you about how he is what’s called the “blood god” and that your his “blood messiah” or aka his chosen human to carry his power/his apprentice of sorts

It makes sense to you now why he taught you so much growing up

“What’s with chat though?”

“Eh, their just a package deal with me unfortunately. Like an extra freebie in a deal”

“Bruh did we just be called an extra” “L” “the disrespect”

“Shut up guys, we can still hear you all”

As his blood messiah you are gifted his strength along with his guidance

But with that comes the price of those perks

To use his power you needed blood of some sort, and with that came a bloodlust that will occasionally overwhelm you

A small price to pay for his power

“So when that mugger…”

��Yeah that was a taste of it. Not the best thing to deal with, but I’m gonna teach you to deal with it”

“So uh…what now?”

“Focus on you, What you want in the moment. Some big stuff is happening, war and death brewing as we speak. So you have to make use of the time you have now to enjoy life, be a kid”

You nod, watching as he smiles and ruffles your hair

“There’s a lot you need to learn but for now we’ll take it slow.”

“Alright”

“Chin up kid, don’t let your crown fall”

After saying this he flicks your forehead and disappears

His laughter filling your mind as your left staring in the spot he once stood

Moonlight casting a dim glow in the kitchen

A week after this occurred you end up asking at dinner if you could have horseback lessons

It is out of nowhere and it leaves both your parents stunned for a moment before both eagerly with excitement assure you that your more than welcome to do so

You’d never really asked for much whilst in their care

Clothes and toys never on your list of wants

Hell, it took a whole interrogation for them to try and figure out that you like books

Most specifically (and somewhat oddly) the art of war

So having you just openly ask for something is a big thing for your parents

A day later Funny and Scarlet are taking you out to a ranch with several horses lined up in their stables

You make a B-line towards the end of the stables to find a lone horse

An Andalusian, with a mainly grey coat that has speckles of black and a light coloured mane

A beautiful stallion that seems to call out to you

“You sure you want her?, she’s not the most cooperative”

“Even better. She has stubbornness, I like that”

The man gives you an odd look but shrugs as you enter her stall

She’s even more beautiful up close

And her personality is more apparent when the horse gives a loud gust of a sigh out her nose

You have a feeling she’s the perfect choice

The next coming months you slowly learn the basics of horseback along with getting to know the mare who was named “cure”

At first the horse was resistant to the idea of letting you be her rider

And there were many scuffles that had left your bruised and bloodied

None of which phased you and just left you with a smile as you whipped away the blood

But with the course of time she began to warm up to you

Because you hadn’t saw her as below you

You were her equal

For as rider and steed there had to be mutual respect of each other

It is gradual but you get better

Get more comfortable with Cure running to her hearts content

Techno and the voices once again help with some tips

The blood god talking of his own steed named Carl who resided within his realm

Her saddle was exclusively for you and neither of you would have it any other way

Riding her and feeling the wind scrap across your face was a feeling you now didn’t know how to live without

Watching you speed past the other horses as she jumps over a fence and just keeps going

It turns out to be something that Funny and Scarlet end up watching as you blindly smile

It is perhaps one of the happiest they’d seen you

Just running free as you were so many years ago

You are happy and content

But that can’t last forever

Especially as your father brews something

It comes to you like a slap to the face when he reveals he’s gonna run for president

The voices, but especially Techno rousing in anger as he talks of his plans to run the country

You couldn’t help excuse yourself as the yelling in your head caused a small migraine

For all your life till this point Techno had taught you of how power pollutes

That anarchy was better than government because of the factor that no one person was in power

It couldn’t fall into a dictatorship is no one was in charge

That these appointed leaders thought themselves to be god and looked down on their subjects

Until they are brought down from their pedestal via a guillotine

It leaves you conflicted because this was your father

The one who had taken you in when no one else would

Feed, clothed and made sure you had a roof over your head

The man who proudly proclaimed that you were his child despite no blood being shared between the two of you

A man who smiled proudly when you rode atop Cure and worried himself to death when the horse stubbornly bucked you off her back

Your left conflicted

It only gets worse as his campaign is seeming to prove successful with the people

Whilst your left to try and act happy for him despite the yelling in your mind

It is a difficult time for you, more difficult than your early years on the streets

Cause at least then there wasn’t the emotional turmoil you felt ripping apart your insides

There wasn’t the divide between your morals of hating government and loving your dad

You hope he somehow doesn’t win but no god answers your prayer

At his inauguration your left standing near him and Scarlet

An empty reserved smile plastered on your face as you hold back tears

The voice shave stopped screaming

They are remorseful as is Techno who try to comfort you when seeing you break down internally

Your heart fighting against your mind

Being left in a stalemate, a limbo of confusion

You try to spend more time with mom after that, using the excuse of not wanting to bother your dad

It works but there’s a noticeable sadness you see in his eyes when you excuse yourself from his presence

Scarlet is more than happy to spend time with you though

She takes you shopping with her

Buying you the latest blouses of your desire along with jewelry that catches your eye

Apparently due to Techno you have some weird fascination with gold, something he says has transferred to you

With spending time out with her though you begin to notice how her eyes linger

You know for a fact she loves your dad

But you see her looking intently at women

A stare that not of just of the friendly type

No, it’s deep and intense

Tinted with a undertone of something else that you don’t wish to think of

Her seeming attraction is none of your business though

So you ignore it and spend time with her at cafe’s as squads of guards flock to your sides

Not knowing you were likely the most dangerous person in the room

You find it annoying to now constantly have people flanking you whoever you went

The guards themselves are fine but you wanted to be alone when planting potatoes

Or riding Cure

Well…at least your potato business has been booming as of late due to your dad

But that leaves a bit of a bitter taste in your mouth that people are NOW interested in your delicious crops

Damn trend hoppers

In the house during the late nights you find yourself now more restless than usual

That feeling of bloodlust that was managers now getting worse and worse as time progressed

Sometimes it was bad enough you found yourself on occasionally blacking out and finding yourself standing in the kitchen or by your dads office

It leaves you terrified

So terrified that your mom seemingly caught on and your dad one day asked if you were alright

You say that you are but you really aren’t

He can see through the lie as clear as day

He’s left somewhat hurt, offering you help that you vehemently deny

The bags beneath your eyes only seem to get worse as the days progress

Yet another restless night your left awake

The gnawing hunger for blood feeling as if it were pulsating within your veins

Just the thought of crimson makes it worse

The feeling of the hunger not going away

“Kid just focus on me. Gets some fresh air, alright?”

Techno’s translucent form appears once more

He’d been doing that more often but never in front of anyone else

Apparently there were people called “stand users” who could possibly hear and see him

He didn’t want to risk that

“O-ok”

You stumble out your room

Hand scraping against the wallpaper as your walk past several familiar doors

There’s darkness expert for a sliver of light coming out from the door of your dads office

…strange he’s usually not awake at 4 am even though he’s been staying up later than usual

You end up highjacking your original goal and heading for his door

Being careful not to hit any loose floorboards as you listen to him speaking…to himself?

You can hear his speaking aloud and his voice also responding back

It leaves you confused along with Techno and the voices who all chime in with the thought of him being crazy or cracking under the pressure

But you know your dad well enough to know it isn’t either

You decide to bend down and stare through the keyhole

“Do you think this could really work?”

“It has to, plus it’s more convenient as a cover story. People interfering can be eliminated and be written off as weather conditions or incompetence.”

“There will be people watching though”

“It’ll get the countries spirits up. Things will only get better when we get the corpse parts, it’s only uphill from here”

There in the office is two versions of your father conversing with one another

Oblivious to your spying as your left shocked at whatever the fuck This revelation was

“Stand user, and it doesn’t sound like he has something good planned if I’m honest”

Techno’s words seem to reverberated in your mind

As your left jaw agape just staring

No, your father was a kind man

He would never-

“Sacrifices will likely need to be made. I’m willing to make them though for the greater good of my country, for my family”

You feel sick, stomach swirling as you walk back

And then you step on a creaky board

You hear both of them still whatever conversation that we’re having

Your left momentarily frozen as the door opens

Whatever hostility in his eyes fades, they soften at the sight of you

“Dear are you ok? What are you doing up so late? You need sleep, those bags under your eyes are worrying me and your mom”

Time to bullshit your way out of this

“I…I had a nightmare. I went to get my mind off it and saw you were awake so..”

He gives a soft smile, ushering you in

You do so with some hesitance as he guides you to the plush seat his clone? Was sitting on earlier

“What was it about?”

You pause to think of an answers after a moment

“You”

His eyes widen ever so slightly before he presses and asks “what exactly about me?”

“I…had a dream that you changed. That when you became president you weren’t the same person, that you became…” you Try to find the right word “corrupted”

His eyes become gentle once more as he ushers you into a hug

It is warm and you wish to revel in it more

His hand weaving it’s way into rubbing a comforting motion of circles into your scalp

“You have nothing to fear. Nothing like that would ever happen, because I do, I do for you and our people”

Perhaps that is what scares you the most in this situation

The lengths he would go in doing what he believed was right even if he couldn’t see the harm he was truly doing

It was a pipeline

A downward spiral he would not see

It sets in motion what you know that you need to do

You enjoy in the last time you’d likely feel the warmth of his hug

For in the morning you’d be gone before they even knew it

You had to stop whatever he had planned

[boxwinebaddie]

Wait so did Ike knoww about Stan and Kyle dating? Also I'd love to hear abt Kyle and Ikes sibling relationship thats so adorable

soooooo long story short:

...y-yes. yes, he Does know.

hOWEVER, IKE DOES NOT KNOW RAVEN IS STAN THOUGH, THAT IS SENSITIVE INFO THAT IKE CAN BE TRUSTED WITH, OFC, BUT IT WOULD PUT HIM IN DANGER AND KY WANTS TO KEEP HIM SAFE.

but long story Long...

i'll leave it in the crotch. xx

( edit: so...my bad, baby. i accidentally went on a crazy TANGENT about ike and jerseykyle's relationship bc i love them a lot and their dynamic is very complicated, so if you want that info about how ike found out about ravesey dating...i gotta put it in another ask.

bc this...got Very long.

you don't have to read this. soz. >.> )

oookay!~ so i got REALLY excited about this because rm!jerseykyle and ike's relationship is super duper special to me, in that, as sp fanfic writer girlie who tends to lean away from a more gentle, kindly, introspective kyle and much more heavily into the potential brutal parts and menacing aspects of kyle's personality when i develop my style dynamics with, ofc, jers being the most brutal of all ncu kyles...

...the way that he speaks to ike -- gently, softly, tenderly -- the way that ike disarms him, the way that j.k. unravels around ike, bends for him, it's one of the ONLY instances written into my actual published canon where we see jers be extremely vulnerable. ( not crying, lmao! )

however, i will say, it was not ALWAYS like that!

*rings the cd re-education bell*

LORE TIME!

so, per my rm!take on the south park lore, ike, ofc, was adopted from canada around age five and he...was Perfect. he was this lil gorgeous, perf, lovely thing, no health problems, dark hair, i like to think his eyes are dark brown, closer to black, sweet kid, easy-going...

...and very NOT like kyle.

and, interestingly enough, i think, At First, that sheila and gerald were super obsessed with ike, cooed over him, he was the baby, y'know? which made jerseykyle MAD jealous of ikey and an Anti from day one.

which is also v interesting because rm!ike, really just fkn Worshipped jerseykyle, wanted to be close to him, wanted his approval, craved that brotherly relationship with him, idolized him...and kyle was NOT having it, dawg! like, it took him so long to even let stan in and let his cold, black heart be light and bright enough in some spots to do That, so he pushed ike away, constantly told him to fuck off/get lost

( i do think that ike's vocab being more vulgar/him being precocious comes from wanting to impress kyle/being influenced by him ), also ike was really fkn smart from the jump in a way kyle wasn't like, to me, jerseykyle has worked hard for everything, studied hard, fought hard, and ike was naturally a child prodigy and didn't have to work that hard for anything, all while being gentle and docile and kind.

-- but going back to STAN for a minute...as a direct contrast to how jerseykyle treated ike growing up...gods angel saint ravenstan was always EXTREMELY KIND to ike. stan never had a brother: okay, he had shelley but his relationship with shelley was even more complex than ike and kyle's relationship used to be and the way shelley treated ravenstan was similar to the way jersey was treating ike, so he Deeply Sympathized with that and endeared himself to ike, encouraged him, and the more kyle pushed him away, the closer ike got to stan.

stan and ike i think ALSO had very similar interests in that they both liked louder, heavier music, revolutionary/counter culture stuff, fighting the MAN, sports ( namely hockey ) i think as a gift, actually, that ravenstan gave ike his wayne gretsky hockey yersey and ike STILL has it ( yes, kyle was jealous ), stan encouraged him to be different and carve his own path in life and while kyle, obvi, was the person most effected by stan's untimely passing...it did also do a number on ike who seriously considered stan like a brother to him and was one of the only other people who Never misgendered stan.

SPEAKING OF STAN DY*NG THOUGH: this was when everything sort of...Flipped. because when stan 'died', whatever part of kyle that could love things also died with him along with a lot of his stability.

so on top of all of his health issues, kyle got really, REALLY gnarly ptsd, would fly into blind rages, got randomly triggered by things and see stan everywhere, have really, really sever panic attacks, had to be put on several medications, got into TOOOONS of fights, etc.

and ike...was just sweet, introverted, lovely ike. stayed in his lane, did his work quietly, existed quietly...while kyle was Loud and VOLATILE.

also, to tie in Another ask where someone asked me while sheila didn't take care of ike as well as she could...fair warning, i am a liiiittle defensive abt this topic because it wasn't that she didn't want to take care of ike or meant to neglect him AT ALL, it's just...when you have a a child who has a lot going on mentally and physically, is more of a firestarter, is more aggressive or more outwardly mentally unstable...

...that tends to require more immediate attention ( especially since kyle was sooo unhinged that he was constantly in police stations, juvie, the psych ward ) and sheila's attention more helicopter parent-y in that she wanted to keep kyle safe, whereas geralds attention was more negative, felt kyle was a failure/embarrassment :/// </3 )

so ike, by COMPARISION to jersey, was VERY low maintenance, did not require to be constantly watched to make sure he didn't hurt himself or others, and so, unfortunately while sheila loved him very much ( gerald just wasn't very interested in him as the second kid other than that he not act up/argue w/ him ) he got swept under the rug because of how pliable and pleasant he was personality wise.

so sheila really does Adore ike, she just doesn't worry about him nearly as much and because of how glaring jersey's issues were, she also mistakenly assumes he's mostly fine where...i really do think ike has pretty gnarly depression, tbh. he is stan coded, i mean that. i will say that him acting out is starting to cause a stir in their house.

anyways...i am sorry this is such a MESS but jerseykyle was watched with laser focus and because of this, ike got off scott free most of the time and received almost no attention. like all his accomplishments went unnoticed or were pretty normalized because the standard he set v young being smart/capable, set the bar high. ilysm, ikey. </3

tldr; ike was The Good Child

and jersey was The Bad Child.

but, in being 'good', he got extremely overlooked by his parents.

thiiiiiiis...is where jerseykyle stepped in. so basically his entire life he was staunchly anti-ike, but he warmed up to ike a lot after stan died because they bonded over talking about him a lot/that grief, and also grew up under intense scary jewish matriarch sheila broflovski and the serious shit show that was having gerald as a father...who jersey actually regularly took shit from so ike wouldn't have to, i.g. when ike did something less than perfect or did misbehaved or fucked up, kyle always took the fall for it and was the messed up problem child, so that ike would essentially spared from gerald's mental abuse/wrath.

ike was also kind of the only person j.k. had in the world, so kyle looked after him because...again...ike is very stan coded, kyle is very protective of the lil gentle hearted people and he basically raised ike in the stead of his parents which forced him to be hard on him in a way that sheila and gerald were not hard on ike...which created a lot of dissonance when ike was becoming a teen and kyle was in hs.

so, essentially while when they were little kids, ike followed kyle around, wanted kyle to like him, thought kyle could do no wrong, as he got older and kyle started to nitpick him, actually care about him and start enforcing rules/curfews on him because no one else did, ike developed a rebellious streak and started to not like or listen to kyle because he was like, bro, whatever, you're so boring, it's one party, oh my god, just because you're boring doesn't mean i have to be!!!!

it's mostly just skin deep though, ike is only irritated because jerseykyle is mad overprotective, hard core and did not gentle parent him as an older brother at like, i shit you not fourteen, like i am so sorry but jerseykyle raised ike basically, and inspite of actin like a heartless monster...loves ike very, very much ( even if he can't say it ) and ike also loves kyle very much. jerseykyle is pretty much the only other person besides firkle, tricia, etc. ( i'll get into that in a diff ask ) that truly gave a shit about him and put weight behind his actions.

so jerseykyle is like ike's older brother/dad, rags on him about doing his homework and being an edgelord

( ike has been acting out a lot, one, because he's finally starting to come into his personality more, which, imo, my hc is that ike is p popular but mostly by accident sort of how stan was because he's pretty and very nice, ike is captain of the hockey team, his accent is cute, gets good grades ( he is slacking right now tho bc hes being edgy as hell ), is a lil skater boy gamer boy, IS V INTO TRUE CRIME, JOURNALISM AND ACTIVISM, creating positive change, exposing injustice, enjoys punk rock music, thinks emo boy stuff is neato,

IKE IS THEEEE DAWN SPAWN OF EVER AND I MEAN THAT, he is a raven of crimson dawn FAN BOY, he is obsessed; i mean that...and despite wanting to make waves in that way, like, he really is kind of an antisocial DORK but lots of girls like him, he gets invited to parties, firkle gets invited by proxy even though people think they are a crazy demonic satan worshiping freak of nature...but ike's super bestie, ofc...their relationship is also interesting...BUT YEAH! IKE! <333 )

also per rm canon, jers does miss ikes birthday every year bc going to south park triggers the fuck out of him which he feels very, very badly about, rags on him but is very pro ike doing what he wants to with reason of not acting like a goddamn FOOL and doing his laundry, his emo dirt bag phase is making kyle's eye twitch ooooof, him bleaching his hair and sticking a safety pin through his lip the second ravenstan walks through their front door while ravesey are secretly broken up and jk is extra mad at him; ITS A HOT MESS EXPRESS, Y'ALL!!!!

if you made it this far...i have to put the answer to the FIRST part of your question with all that dialogue in another ask so feel free to re-ask me that, but to reference it a little...ike is so team ravesey like it is actually painful, that is his ROMAN EMPIRE. firkle actually really does not like kyle bc they think he is lame as hell, help, and is anti-ravesey bc they think romance is a distraction,

( okay, spoiler, but firkle is in love with ike, ike does not know this, ike is super fkn oblivious and is actually very bi, so it's not like he's just not aware he is not straight, he just....actually has no idea, rip, he also has a crush on a girl in his class, it DOES make firkle want to actually dome themself to hear about it 25/8, stupid Feelings, smh, firkle b hating jersey and is lowkey a little jersey coded ) anyways they think kyle dating raven of crimson dawn is going to interfere with the band, their music, their sound and is a hater. like boooo! come on, FIRK! :/

BUT IKE IS A ROMANTIC!!! IKE IS THE JR. RAVESEY CAPTAIN!!!!

tldr; kyle and ike have a complicated relationship but love each other very much and ike does eventually learn about ravesey secret dating bc they are the brothers of ever and cannot hide shit from each other BUT I GOTTA PUT IT IN ANOTHER ASK, I AM SO SORRY, BABY, YOU GOTTA ASK ME AGAIN ABOUT THAT! but i hope this thrills you?

-uncle nina, ceo of insane hs isaac moisha broflovski lore

[world-cinema-research]

Carrie (1976) Movie Essay

By Aiden McKinney

Carrie (1976) was Stephen King’s first published novel and a year later, was the first of his to be adapted into a film. With the creative direction of Brian De Palma, Carrie brought life back to the horror genre and has become a cult classic. In fact, five years after the release of the film, King complemented the filmmaker's work:

"De Palma's approach to the material was lighter and more deft than my own—and a good deal more artistic ... The book seems clear enough and truthful enough in terms of the characters and their actions, but it lacks the style of De Palma's film. The book attempts to look at the ant farm of high school society dead on; De Palma's examination of this 'High School Confidential' world is more oblique ... and more cutting.” 

The movie stars Sissy Spacek as an overly shy and self conscious high school senior who doesn’t have a friend in the world. In fact, she is an outcast with an overbearing, abusive, mentally unstable, religious fanatic for a mother. Margaret White fears everything is a sin in the eyes of the Lord, especially anything remotely provocative, sexual in nature, or regarding the female anatomy and its physicality. She is so out of touch, that she never taught Carrie about a woman’s menstrual cycle. When Carrie suddenly gets her first period in the shower after P.E. in school, she is absolutely horrified and scared to death. Reaching out to her classmates for help, the girls only laugh at her and throw feminine hygiene products at her. The bullying only gets worse for Carrie, who begins to realize she has telekinetic powers. She can move objects with the power of her mind This, of course, only makes her more of an outcast. To better prepare for the role, Sissy Spacek isolated herself from the rest of the cast during production. “In a 2013 interview with Vulture, co-star P.J. Soles recalled how on "the first or second day, Sissy came over to a group of us, maybe at lunch, I don’t remember, and said, ‘I love you guys, we’re going to have a great shoot, I’m very excited to be working on this. But I just want to let you guys know, I’m going to alienate myself from you. I want to feel that alienation. But I really like you and afterwards we’ll party and we’ll have a great time. But don’t take it personally. I just want to let you know I’m doing it on purpose because I want to get into the part.’ We all really respected her for that, and that made us even more eager and able to be as mean as we could to her, because we knew it was going to help her." (Facts about Carrie- Mental Floss) 

It also makes her mother believe that Carrie is the spawn of the Devil, as she was conceived in a moment of impulsive promiscuity, prior to marriage. Margaret White has a monologue that explains her moment of weakness:

Carrie: It was bad, Mama. They laughed at me. Hold me, Mama. Please hold me.

Margaret White: I should've killed myself when he put it in me. After the first time, before we were married, Ralph promised never again. He promised, and I believed him. But sin never dies. Sin never dies. At first, it was all right. We lived sinlessly. We slept in the same bed, but we never did it. And then, that night, I saw him looking down at me that way. We got down on our knees to pray for strength. I smelled the whiskey on his breath. Then he took me. He took me, with the stink of filthy roadhouse whiskey on his breath, and I liked it. I liked it! With all that dirty touching of his hands all over me. I should've given you to God when you were born, but I was weak and backsliding, and now the Devil has come home. We'll pray.

Carrie: Yes.

Margaret White: We'll pray. We'll pray. We'll pray for the last time. We'll pray.

Youtube Carrie trailer

The movie trailer covers quite a bit of the film, but it also gives a genuine vibe and  creepy feeling of the film. 

Box office

Budget

$1,800,000 (estimated)

Gross US & Canada

$33,800,000

Gross worldwide

$33,801,936

Carrie was a box office success both in numbers and in Academy Award nominations. Nominated for two Academy Awards, one for Best Actress (Spacek) and Best Supporting Actress (Laurie). This is notable, since the horror genre is not ordinarily recognized at the Academies, especially since Saturn Awards launched in 1972 to honor films of science fiction, fantasy and horror.

Original review from Roger Ebert in which he praises director Brian De Palma for creating a horror film that doesn’t rely on the gore and violence of a typical horror film. De Palma focuses on characterization and the reality that Carrie is a teenage girl who everyone can possibly relate to, at least once in their lives.

“I wouldn't want to spoil the movie's climax for you by even hinting at what happens next. Just let me say that "Carrie" is a true horror story. Not a manufactured one, made up of spare parts from old Vincent Price classics, but a real one, in which the horror grows out of the characters themselves.The scariest horror stories -- the ones by M.R. James, Edgar Allan Poe, and Oliver Onions -- are like this. They develop their horrors out of the people they observe. That happens here, too. Does it ever.”

 Roger Ebert Carrie 1976 

Carrie is a conventional film with unconventional technical aspects. There is a central character, Carrie, and she experiences conflict (so much conflict) who has a goal. There are antagonists (so many antagonists) who stand in the way of her goal. The cinematography is unconventional, in the sense that De Palma used unusual camera angles and motions that translate different emotions and feelings in different scenes. For example, at the Prom, Carrie and Tommy are dancing and the camera is spinning around them as they are spinning, creating a sense of euphoria and confusion, at the same time. 

youtube.com Carrie dance scene 

The movie Carrie subscribes to Hofstede’s Cultural Dimension of High Restraint. Carrie is raised by an overly religious mother who controls her and tries to keep Carrie from breaking from her strict upbringing and expressing herself in her own way.

Historical Events

United States - First Space Shuttle

NASA unveils the first space shuttle, the Enterprise.

More Information for the first space shuttle

NASA unveiled the first space shuttle, the Enterprise, to the public during September of 1976. The Enterprise was only a prototype created to conduct test flights and the official launch of the Space Shuttle Program did not occur until April of 1981 with the launch of the Columbia. The Enterprise weighed about 150,000 pounds and cost nearly $10 billion to create. While the first space shuttle never actually made it into space, it did become the first of the space shuttles to fly during a test in the following year after it was unveiled.

Jimmy Carter defeats incumbent Gerald Ford in 1976 Presidential election.

Britannica 1976 Presidential election 

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

hey there! my name is nura from canada and im very happy to have come across your blog! i used to casually watch ipkknd with my mom when it first aired more than 10 yrs ago but i didn't remember anything besides the leads so now im watching it all over again and im HOOKED. im glad that there is a fandom for the show, i would've hated feeling so alone in my love for this show.

i was going thru your posts and i noticed in one recent ask you had answered smth along the lines of the general disinterest of the cast for the show and i think their unwillingness to do anything more with the show. can you pls elaborate a little on this as i have no idea what this show was like behind the scenes. i apologize in advance in case i am misinterpreting your answer!

thank you and i can't wait to dive deeper into your blog and possibly bug you even more as i continue my rewatch 💙💙

- nura

Hello fellow Canadian :)

I am so glad you're enjoying watching IPKKND!!! Fandom makes things memorable for everyone :) I've met some of my closest friends due to this show and it's so exciting to chat up about everything you liked about it!!!

Oh don't worry, the cast is actually the best friends off screen. Barun (Arnav), Sanaya (Khushi) and I think Akshay (Akash) even live in the same building! And they all (which includes Daljeet [Anjali], Abhaas [Shyam] and the writer Gautam) often keep hanging out with each other and going on trips together!

The show was also amazing off screen, you'd roll off your bed laughing at their chaotic behind the screen interviews.

Interviewer asks about why Khushi wants to leave post Arnav telling her she's the biggest mistake of his life scene:

Sanaya: Oh nothing, you see my husband has some gas issues.

Barun (yawning and laughing): Haan I have gas.

Sanaya: Exactly, so I need to take a break from this.

LOL.

But yeah Barun himself quit the show (thank God) because he (accurately) didn't see where the show was going and why he needed to be a part of it. Also the cast in general, especially the leads aren't invested in simply seeing IPK again on screen. Which, understandable. A lot of writing and effort went into making IPK in the first place - to simply see it again as a cash grab (which they did with Ek Jashn) doesn't seem like reason enough. Also Sanaya and Barun have made it very very clear that they really aren't into daily soaps and would much prefer to be in limited series and they're both beyond what IPK is.

Barun has consciously chosen characters that are non romantic in nature to shed off the 'romance' projects. Which is a bit of a shame because few people sell romance the way he does! Sanaya is chilling. Lol she always is.

It's nothing bad, it's just that naturally they're probably not as attached to the show as much as the fans are because tbh, how famous or a classic IPK is was understood some time after the show ended as opposed to when it ran.

It's not like they don't like the show - of course they do granted that it put a few of them on the map, it was a different show and they found great friends out of it - but there actually doesn't seem to be any active engagement regarding the show.

Some examples of when you can see the cast being devoted to their shows like their fans would include the cast of Sarabhai V/S Sarabhai (there was a cute insta reel a few months ago of all of them singing the title song of the show) or Arjun Bijlani from Miley Jab Hum Tum - dude genuinely loves his show so much that when he's clean shaven he posts on Insta that it's #Mayank (which was his character's name).

And it's not a bad thing, it's just that the actors aren't invested in the show they did ten years ago - which happens. In several interviews Barun has little comments on Arnav, he has more of a critical analysis why IPK was different and the writing of the show (he's more inclined to writing in general). And Sanaya also has very little to say about Khushi apart from it being similar to her so she had fun playing it. I think in the recent most interviews where they had questions regarding 'what would their character do' currently or were asked to behave like their characters - they were both a little lost on what to do and had nothing apart from a few funny comments.

Which, again, isn't a bad thing at all.

In fact it probably tells what a big role the writer and director play in fleshing out these characters! Gautam Hegde (the writer) still waxes some of the most beautiful lines about IPKKND.

And if anything the Rewind showed that Barun gets ASR only if there's a purpose to it. And Sanaya can switch into Khushi when she's performing somewhere.

It can feel a bit bittersweet for a fan because a show means so much for a viewing experience. So I won't say that the cast is 'unwilling' - I'd say they're reluctant.

And that's different.

I don't think Barun and Sanaya would ever reprise Arnav and Khushi beyond an hour of shooting if there wasn't anything meaningful to it.

So keeping all this in mind I'm very happy not seeing IPK on screen because current Indian television landscape is terrible and if there's no actual purpose to bringing IPK on screen then what?

It'll just be a Season 3 of Kuch Rang Pyaar Ke Rise Bhi or Season 2 of Pratigya!

And canonically Arnav and Khushi got their happily ever after and I'd love it to remain that way.

Lol this was a long answer!!!

Much love Nura,

Jalebi

[wishing-stones]

So about type match ups....

So I'm a burnt out 'do everything for everyone oh God I gotta fix this issue' type person. I'm a creative but I've not found time for any art anymore. I like to cook when I have energy, I think I have a decent voice, I read a LOT. Books are a confort. I'm not exactly pretty, but I clean up pretty well. I've got some pretty bad trauma that's resulted in being jumpy a lot.

I'm a good friend, LOVE LOVE horror movies (and some romcoms, sue me lmao), love just taking road trips, just being in nature makes me happy. Unless it's like boiling out T.T. (northern Canada native, give me the cold)

Ive had a lot of failed relationships. I dont know why, im always the breakup-ee, if that makes sense. I just want someone that I really connect with, someone who's not just a boyfriend, but a best friend. Idealistic but not realistic, I know.

You like horror movies and like to read? Hi, meet your new prospective partner Nightmare. He actively encourages you to find whatever sparks your interest to breathe new life into your creativity again, and will relegate tasks to other people so that you have time for your art. He doesn't fancy himself much of a chef, but he can cook... kind of. But... that passion means you get along well with at least one of his boys which is also a bonus.

You read, and he loves that. Have you seen his library? No? He'll show you. And... if you're jumpy around him, or he spooks you somehow, he's gentle and patient and tries his best to make sure it doesn't happen again. He's also good at just... making that fear or pain vanish. Won't solve the root of the problem, but it helps make the physical ramifications less of an issue to deal with.

Despite his tendency to like to stay put, he does enjoy being outdoors and is glad to go on outings to other AUs for little nature walks. His garden is always open for you to go sit in and enjoy, but be mindful to look and never touch-- everything in it could either kill you, has thorns, stings, or is otherwise unpleasant for a human to handle. You also have good company in 'I don't like it if it's too hot' because he's solid black. He gets grumpy in high temperatures.

Humans are demanding and generally terrible at communicating their needs, on the whole. You don't have to worry about that with Nightmare, he makes his displeasure (and pleasure) known. A good intrapersonal relationship with him is a hard prerequisite to any romantic relationship, so you get both the bf abbreviations.

...And he might or might not encourage you to jumpscare the boys with him if everyone's watching a horror movie together.

Cross is a good runner up here, he's great with trauma, enjoys your hobbies (even if he's not as bookish,) and likes being outdoors, too. He's... just kind of standoffish and doesn't communicate well, which might well be a cause of frustration.

[the-heaminator]

Shit kept going in and out of focus if it wasnt spinning and unfortunately both often happened at the same time, he wanted to vomit but he knew he couldn't, he had wisely avoided eating anything substantial recently, surviving mainly off crackers because eating meant he would vomit, probably during the meeting, and attract far too much pity for what he's worth.

Just had to hold it together for a bit longer, he could go dry retch in the conference hall bathrooms in about 5 minutes he just had to pull his shit together, and he managed to do so, disappearing for the bathroom as soon as he could. Right side of his head pounding like there was no tomorrow, dry heaving into the toilet, and sitting exhausted on the lid once he was done.

He knew he was not to "neglect" himself like some said he did, eating and sleeping were natural human instincts, but the governmental turmoil had given him an everlasting headache and the sheer internal anxiety of it all allowed him to stomach next to nothing.

His room was a mess, it had been for a while, but wrappers had started to pile up upon his bedside table, sweet sugary things mostly, in an attempt to keep his blood sugar just high enough to avoid tanking miserably.

He hoped no one in particular noticed his unironed suit or the lack of cufflinks he exhibited, he was too tired right now to really think of the little details.

God he just wanted to puke and curl up and sleep for a week but he knew it wasnt possible, the nausea wouldn't go anywhere and the headache wouldn't let him sleep.

Standing as unobtrusively as he could as nations milled around, waiting for the conference to officially nd so they could go sleep in their hotel rooms. Lucky bastards.

The meeting was taking place in London, and his flat wasn't too far away, he just needed to drive a bit, he was fine, he could drive, this was certainly not to be a safety hazard.

Unbeknownst to him Canada, Matthew even, stood quite near, wanting to approach his father when he found the right words to do so, Arthur hadn't been in a good state since 2008, and only seeming to get worse with the government changing in and out with the blink of an eye, another recession looming and the lonliness of it all.

Oh dear if he was thinking like that he really was too far gone.

Shaked out of his dreamy stupor by dint of Matthew poking him on the shoulder, he examined Matthew's face with what clarity he could muster, he looked concerned methinks, or worried, mayhaps both. His second son, forever a pillar of spineless love and devotion, in a way that truly scared Arthur, was concerned for him, visibly.

Oh he really had fucked up now hadn't he.

"Yes Matthew, what do you want?" Trying to dispel the concern away from him, it usually worked with most people but Matt was always far too good at figuring him out.

"Arthur...you don't look so good."

"Oh I'm fine, don't you worry." Practised nonchalance that was.

"Are you sure, you don't seem to be fine?"

"And what makes you say that?" That should get Matthew off his tail, he was spineless as previously mentioned, he wouldn't go against him.

Though Matthew intook a deep breath and said "You're slouching for one, I heard you dry heave in the bathrooms, your face is incredibly pale and you dont look like you've eaten in a while, or drank anything that wasn't alcoholic for that matter, your breath reeks of booze and tobacco." Another deep breath"

"Your eyes are unfocused and your eyebags are worse than usual. Also you've been writing in a bad mix of French and Latin for the past half hour."

Oh Matthew really was on to him, but was it that noticeable!

"You are not driving in such a condition Arthur."

"Hang on a bloody second, why is that? I am perfectly capable of driving thank you very much."

Matthew gave a terse smile with tired eyes thatt clearly conveyed he was not to be fucked with right now "No Arthur, no you are not driving and right now I'm prepared to force you into your car and get you home."

Arthur silently wondered where such strong feelings of protection directed at him came from in his children, and he certainly didn't understand why they were as strong as they were in Matthew specifically, but he was at the end if his rope for arguing, and just gave in. Which concerned Matthew even more than before, Arthur didn't just...give in, and this could barely be considered a fight.

Arthur walked out to the car park and located his car and just let Matthew sit in the drivers seat, not even commenting as Matthew bumped his head after not stooping down enough to sit in Arthur's rather small car, a thing that if doe on a good day would have warranted either a lengthy lecture or a sharp exhale, but it seemed as if he didn't even notice.

Off they went, they avoided eye contact, Matt wanting to focus as he was not particularly used to driving on the left side of the road, and Arthur seemed to silently stare out of the window, sometimes making a face to himself as if he had just eaten a lemon, before reverting to an unredable expression.

He didn't exactly know what was going on in Arthur's head, he had no way to know, but perhaps the weather and the stress had git to him, it wouldn't have been the first time for any of them,though the older nations seemed adamant in refuting this claim.

But for now it seemed like Arthur needed food, sleep and perhaps some comfort, if he would accept it of course.

[ditchwaterwitchery]

1. Are you solitary or in a coven?

I’m solitary. I often practice with or share rituals with my practicing friends and housemates, but I’ve had extremely bad second-hand experiences with covens and 

2. Do you consider yourself  Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other?

Is a pagan witch really that extra? 

3. What is your zodiac sign?

Aries/Cancer/Leo

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess?

Not… really? I have deities I favor, those I work with often, but I worship too many deities to really go 'I love this one the most!' Historically that has not gone well for the human so I worship with as much equity as possible. 

5. Do you work with a Pantheon?

Yes. 

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or 
any other kind of divination?

I do use tarot and other cartomancy, runes, Ogham, candle-gazing, basically whatever takes me on the day. I definitely favor divinatory magics. 

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any)

Rosemary and mint, honestly. Lavender and juniper are also used quite a lot, but I'll put rosemary into literally whatever because I equate it with a little kick of power and I'm never confident enough in my power that I'll turn up my nose at a lil boost, and mint has childhood memories of soothing or calming so I use it for spell aftercare. 

8. How would you define your craft?

I'm a ditchwater witch. I use what I have, whether or not its 'icky'. I collect what people might consider scum and turn it back into something beautiful. I surge after the rain and dwindle away into nothing when I'm not of use. My craft is for finding purpose for unwanted things. 

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do?

I sure do. 

10. How long have you been practicing?

Formally? Since 2014. But my heart has always been in the earth. 

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars? 

No. 

12. Do you believe in Karma or
Reincarnation?

Not specifically. I believe in past lives, absolutely. Energy has to go somewhere. 

13. Do you have a magical name?

I mean, all names are magical names, but not a specific one, no. 

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”?

Oh very. I was never really in it, tbh. I just went straight to losing all my family and friends because I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. 

15. What was the last spell you performed?

Protection and rejuvenation for a friend. 

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable?

No, I'm a student. 

17. Do you write your own spells?

Pretty much exclusively. I've never met a spell I didn't tweak heavily, even my own. 

18. Do you have a book of shadows?
If so, how is it written and/or set up? 

I have grimoirë? Over a dozen notebooks I've compiled, rewritten, and reconstructed over the years and consult almost daily. 

19. Do you worship nature? 

That seems to be everyone's favorite gateway, yes. 

20. What is your favorite gemstone?

Luminous stones from Breath of the Wild, lol.

Amethyst, seriously. Its been my favorite since a grandparent brought me a hunk from Canada when I was a child. 

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work?

Oh boy do I. 

22. Do you have an altar?

4 of them.  

23. What is your preferred element?

My edgy gut wanted to answer fire but I work with earth the most, gotta respect the mother. 

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist?

I am not smart or scary enough for alchemy. 

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch?

No, I like witch/pagan (yes I know they are not interchangeable, but they are for my practice).

26. What got you interested in witchcraft?

My friend told me I reminded them of a witch and I was flattered. A decision to research just put the nails in the coffin. 

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch?

Sure. 

28. Have you ever used ouija?

No, but I've been looking for one that I like that isn't expensive. May end up making one so I know the provence of the pieces. 

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic?

Sure. 

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it?

My great grandfather. He taught me how to pray and how to love the deity(is) you worship and how to serve the earth while he was on the earth, and now he guides my hands. 

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

You don't need anything other than yourself to be a witch. 

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite?

No, but Bealtaine is my favorite. 

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children?

I won't be having children, but I will teach my friends'. 

34. Do you meditate?

No. Its painful for me. 

35. What is your favorite season?

Autumn 

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform?

Divination. I like understanding why. 

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life? 

I use tarot every day, I pray, I cook, I breathe. All of it is spiritual. All of it is sacred. 

38. What is your favorite witchy movie?

I don't have one

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why?

Seanan McGuire's October Daye series is my current favorite magical fiction. Rev. Lora O'Brien's Practical Guide to Pagan Priesthood is my favorite nonfiction.

I read Seanan McGuire when I want to remember why ritual is important to my outSIDE of the Clerical Brainwashing. I read the Reverend when I want to know how, and that I'm allowed to want this. 

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not. 

Oh, I cursed one of my abusers. 

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you? 

I'm still surprised when anything works, honestly. A lifetime of Catholic impotism really ran a number on my head and it's still surprising when someone hears my prayers. 

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use?

One I've made. 

43. What is your favorite witchy tool?

My bead weaving loom. 

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools?

I do, yeah. I tend to be of the opinion that something works best for the hands that made it. 

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits?

Yep. 

46. Do you practice color magic?

Not really. Sometimes when I'm making candles, but not often. 

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind?

No. I'm… wary of teachers. 

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies?

Shopping for the ingredients to make those supplies. 

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate?

Sometimes. My faith in fate is shaky, but there have been times a person or thing was too timely to discount. 

50. What do you do to reconnect   when you are feeling out of touch with your practice? 

I read, mostly. Its the best thing to rekindle my whimsy and drive to do. 

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences?

Absolutely. 

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

Stinky incense. 'sandalwood' my ass. 

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent?

Oh, hi. I was just talking about you. I like Celtic blend church incense. 

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind?

I've tried, but my ADHD hates journaling. 

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster?

I consider losing my entire family and many of my friends to be disastrous, but nothing correlated to my spellcasting or anything. 

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success?

Self confidence. 

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about?

I've always like crossing myself. I turned the sign of the cross into a pentagram and I use it when I need to, but I don't want anyone to see me doing it. 

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too?

Absolutely. 

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work?

No. 

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain?

Yes. 

61. What is something witch related that you want right now?

Like 400 tarot decks, a 3d printer, and my goddamn hat back. 

62. What is your rune of choice?

Ansuz

63. What is your tarot card of choice?

The Star

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite?

A lovely cardamom cedar blend. 

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses?

No, the ones I can afford are too hard for my mental illnesses to pay attention to. My learning tends to have to be done hands-on. 

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public?

Remember those bones you asked after about 45 questions ago? 

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch? 

I was diagnosed with 'religious delusions' by my former therapist, as an example.

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines?

No. I'd like to. 

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft?

Yes???? At least a little? So we don't have 'daughters of the witches you didn't burn' memes. 

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch?

Oh gods, everything. I'm in religious euphoria for the first time in my life I feel like a new man every day. 

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch?

Knowing that if I do the work I'll feel better. I just want to rest my hurts on my best day, and showing up for my responsibilities is fucking impossible on my worst. 

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band?

I fell in love with Heather Dale years ago, and she's remained a constant. 

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how?

The esbats are wiccan iirc. I don't follow wicca. 

74. Do you ever work skyclad?

No thank you. 

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how?

Absolutely. It made me want to live my life. 

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice?

What, like Pinterest boards?  I just do things, this is not an aesthetic I'm trying to achieve. 

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc)

Yes. 

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol?

I…sure. My favorite sigil is the one for peaceful rest. 

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not?

If what I'm doing calls for it, yes. 

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice?

No. I support my partner's spirituality and I consider it the least of things for them to do the same. 

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow?

Everywhere. I'm not enough as I am and I feel like learning how to be enough is taking too long. 

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice?

Its been discontinued, but I think it was called like 'Turkish marketplace' or something equally as tone-deaf by better homes. My favorite to make and then use in my craft is lemongrass. 

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it? 

I shower, yeah, if its not a curse I'm doing. If it is, I shower after, but for everything else I want to be clean when I put my energy into something. 

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice?

?? breelandwalker  ig???? Idk, I have the most of her books over other things so if that's what you mean by 'real life' or 'inspire' then there you go. 

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity?

Divination and prayer. 

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients?

By most to least used. 

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of?

I mean the largest amount of my heritage is Irish and Kickapoo so its not impossible, but not that I personally know of. 

88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it?

I'm having a hard time answering this without feeling like I'm posturing. 'It's the MOST unique and special' 😬😬

 I write my own prayers and spells and whatnot. 

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they?

I mean, I've been seeing ghosts and feeling presences my whole life, but it drove me further away from my craft when I was still Catholic rather than leading me to it. 

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven?

You're a witch if you goddamn want to be one no one gets to tell you when you're allowed to do magic

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought?

A tarot deck and notebooks

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been?

The coldspring at Nitchke Mounds. 

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

Divorce yourself from the notion that only one or two gods want you. Walk away from the idea that you only get so many. There are a lot of deities and spirits and I don't understand why people are so attached to limiting themselves. 

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation? 

I don't meditate. 

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it?

I read a lot. Like a lot. My imagination is better than my grasp of reality. 

96. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

Night. Its  safe there. 

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work?

3am 

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly?

Oh, I loved it. I really liked casting circles, but it quickly became a waste of time, so now I have permanent ones. 

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice?

It gets different for sure. 

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces?  

I believe that as long as there have been people there has been the desire to believe in something bigger than us. Is it one thing, or has it split into many over time? I don't know. 

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy?

I'm allergic to dairy but yes. 

102. What is your favorite color and why?

Purple, why? 

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond?

Are you sure? Yes. 

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest? 

Feeling, but that's just because my ears are shot, I'm more nearsighted every year, I have very little sense of taste, and I need my scents to be overpowering in order to register. 

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

The only rule I preach is the one I practice hardest: not everything is for you to play with  I have no right to preach anything else

Witchcraft Asks #1-105

Here is the list of the 105 witchcraft questions I just finished answering. I answered one each day but feel free to answer them all at once or however you want to do it. Tag your it!

1. Are you solitary or in a coven? 2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other? 3. What is your zodiac sign? 4. Do you have a Patron God/dess? 5. Do you work with a Pantheon? 6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or 
any other kind of divination? 7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any) 8. How would you define your craft? 9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do? 10. How long have you been practicing? 11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars? 12. Do you believe in Karma or
Reincarnation? 13. Do you have a magical name? 14. Are you “out of the broom closet”? 15. What was the last spell you performed? 16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable? 17. Do you write your own spells? 18. Do you have a book of shadows?
If so, how is it written and/or set up? 19. Do you worship nature? 20. What is your favorite gemstone? 21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work? 22. Do you have an altar? 23. What is your preferred element? 24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist? 25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch? 26. What got you interested in witchcraft? 27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch? 28. Have you ever used ouija? 29. Do you consider yourself a psychic? 30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it? 31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started? 32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite? 33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children? 34. Do you meditate? 35. What is your favorite season? 36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform? 37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life? 38. What is your favorite witchy movie? 39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why? 40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not. 41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you? 42. What is your favourite type of candle to use? 43. What is your favorite witchy tool? 44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools? 45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits? 46. Do you practice color magic? 47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind? 48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies? 49. Do you believe in predestination or fate? 50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice? 51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences? 52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve? 53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent? 54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind? 55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster? 56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success? 57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about? 58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too? 59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work? 60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain? 61. What is something witch related that you want right now? 62. What is your rune of choice? 63. What is your tarot card of choice? 64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite? 65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses? 66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public? 67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch? 68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines? 69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft? 70. What are your favorite things about being a witch? 71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch? 72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band? 73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how? 74. Do you ever work skyclad? 75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how? 76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice? 77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc) 78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol? 79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not? 80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice? 81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow? 82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice? 83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it? 84. What real life witch most inspires your practice? 85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity? 86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients? 87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of? 88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it? 89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they? 90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven? 91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought? 92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been? 93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities? 94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation? 95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it? 96. Do you prefer day or night? Why? 97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work? 98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly? 99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice? 100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces? 101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy? 102. What is your favorite color and why? 103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond? 104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest? 105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

[darkmaga-returns]

Your daily dose of natural disasters and amazing phenomena for October 20, 2024...

Strange Sounds

Mars on the left, Earth on the right…

Fun fact: The rovers on mars were first tested in the Atacama desert in Chile and Argentina. In parts of the desert it is so dry there that not even bacteria can grow…

The accuracy…

The funny thing is, we all know it but do it anyway…

That meme made me lol…

Could a large-scale cyber attack be imminent?

Guess we'll see what happens. If internet goes down.. well.......... that would suck… Just be prepared in case something happens…

The Eye of God - A stunning deep space nebula…

The Helix Nebula, sometimes referred to as the 'Eye Of God Nebula', is an object known as a planetary nebula located 650 lightyears away and seen in the constellation Aquarius.

It is a dying star that's running out of fuel, ejecting its outer layers into space and producing a large, puffed-out structure.

Hmm wonder what’s on the other side of the eye, the blue part. Looks like paradise…

Wow. That is incredible. Brilliant capture… Mumbai, India…

A new Stoker dropped before Winds of Winter…

Dracula author Bram Stoker's lost story unearthed after 134 years…

HEY FRIENDS! PLEASE SUPPORT MY WORK! THANKS YOU!

PAYPAL

DonorBox

Saudi Crown Prince MBS’s dream project Neom is racing towards completion at such speed that it alone is consuming 20% of the worlds steel…

Stop the steal…

Australia: Funeral home owner accused of keeping a woman’s corpse in the back of a hearse for over a year…

Meanwhile, a funeral home in Poland apologised after corpse falls out of a hearse and into traffic…

Authorities said at least seven people were killed Saturday when part of a ferry dock collapsed on Georgia's Sapelo Island, where crowds had gathered for a fall celebration by the island's tiny Gullah-Geechee community of Black slave descendants.

Two stories... the tragedy of the collapse of the ferry gang plank, and the history of these Black separatist islands. And a third story of homes being sold (increased taxes) as vacation homes... not a good sign, of course…

Harvard scientists unveil a new AI model for cancer diagnosis, 96% accuracy!

Cool, now where's our free treatment that doesnt make us drain our children's college fund, lose our savings, go bankrupt, sell our house, and live on the streets?

It's in Canada, the UK, Australia, France... Well, almost all European countries… Really! Even China, and most of the civilized world... Sorry friend.

Bad luck being sick in America…

10 million people plunge into darkness as Cuba’s grid collapses…

Sounds like you will soon get 10 million more immigrants coming to America...

A rare 237-year-old copy of the US Constitution has been sold at auction for a whopping $9m (£7m).MORE…

The copy was printed in 1787 after delegates from the colonial states met for the Constitutional Convention and drafted what would become the founding document of the US federal government.

There are believed to be only eight copies like this one left in existence, and seven of them are publicly owned.

Why did it sell for such a low value? Paintings often sell for 20x this. This is a valuation you could see on Antique Roadshow. How is a copy of the US Constitution not a good investment?

The annual Orionid meteor shower is underway as Earth passes through a stream of debris from Halley's Comet.

The best time to look is during the hours before sunrise on Monday morning.

Observers in both hemispheres can see this shower, which could produce up to a dozen meteors per hour.

I know you guys prefer news on this newsletter, but I just wanted to share this quote which I found very interesting...

“Man should not be able to see his own face -- there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes. Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself. The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.”

— Fernando Pessoa

[stoicforestsss]

I miss reproductive freedoms. I miss when I could've had a legal abortion in America. I just turned 18 when abortions became illegal, and I never even got to taste that freedom. Before Roe V. Wade was overturned, I was a child who had no business having sex. It wouldn't even have been about the pregnancy. And what hurts the most is that the bans aren't even for control over women - they're so people can have more ants to give to the work force.

I'm drunk right now. I'm very drunk. I can't distract myself and I sure as hell will never stand for the flag again. On top of it all, I have bad sexual trauma. I was molested by my dad and my sister, and my cousin would say he wanted to see me change my clothes. My aunt dragged him out of his bedroom once she heard him and later he said it was my fault. I was sexually harassed by a dance teacher and I still can't have anyone behind me. God damn it.

Cue to when I met this man and we started to date. I got tired of using condoms and morning after pills and decided to get birth control from the local health department. They said they had to perform a pap smear exam before they could give me birth control pills, which in theory, I understand. The issue was that I got triggered from Mr. Dance Teacher's abuse, his constant abuse. I got naked anyway, put on the plastic, paper sheet, and tried to be strong. They were smart enough to understand there was no way I could ever handle the full thing, so they did half of it. Dope.

Women are being arrested for having miscarriages who are destined to die of sepsis, because it's a natural abortion. It's miserable and dystopian, and the salt and lemon juice in the wound is that if this were written by someone slightly younger than me, they'd censor half of the words with that 80's trend where they'd switch out letters for numbers and other symbols. The thought itself is censored. This is why I get drunk, and it's why I'm awake. It infuriates me, too, that men keep catcalling me, but we can't criticize the men, can we? So we go down the street, knowing that we can't really do anything when the men say shit and say victim mentality things, until were told to man up and be a badass, as if that could fix it. The kicker is that when the men are doing the shit, the women have to suffer and go to prison when the rapists and harassers either go free or have lesser sentences.

I was a miserable child who waited for adulthood. People told me to put myself down and be a lady. You don't talk as loudly as the men. You don't talk about your skills when a man is talking about his. I waited for the day I could have a child and they could smile and have a family who loves them, who wouldn't pull their pants down and make them feel good for some reason or tell them to be a slave to men. Not this world, where even the Christian conservatives are telling their high school graduates to change the world for the better, in the context that they must erase this error.

And of all things, in Kenya, they don't have access to the same amount of abortion care as the medical facilities do in the US. They're not attacking women specifically, for the sake of making more workers. I want to live in Canada, but my boyfriend wants Kenya, where his brother in spirit lives.

Every conservative in a political seat is going after the rest of your freedoms. The conservative law makers are going after the rest of everything you take for granted. Fight them back and vote them away from their seats. Don't get apathetic and dissociate, although I understand it's hard. Ask the hard questions and don't be afraid to get angry.

Get angry. Hell, do something! Make a sign and put it in your yard or on the street. Update your profile pictures on your social media. Write books. Get a stool and yell. Don't work at jobs with bosses who have those disgusting terroristic beliefs. Yell at your grandparents who say they're saving the children. Do something.

Vote the bad people out. Vote the good people in. Stay in touch politically and educate yourself in every one of your free moments if you want your children to live a good life. Not for the sake of their lives, but for the sake of their happiness. Don't let the government make you a breeding machine who pumps out babies every nine months so you can adopt them out. They want mindless soldiers with abandonment issues who are willing to say "Yes, sir", and emptily kill because they were told to. They don't want your children to be happy, because if they did, they would help you.

Don't be the reason these incel demons get into the offices and change the whole infrastructure so they can enforce their own fascism. They're fascists. You're fighting a new Stalin. What would you do in that situation? Do it.

Now I can go to bed. I'm tired. I'm going to have to listen to music to get in a good head. I'm too buzzed and need sleep. Fight for what is right. Please help the world. Please let me sleep knowing that there is hope, that not everyone in the world just cares about work and staring at phones and counting their imaginary digital money. Please.

[the-good-projxct]

March 25th, 2024

11:12pm Listening to Barbie world by Queen Nicki while in Karen in my bedroom. Hmm I had a very meh day. I woke up kinda early because ants were biting me because ants got into my bed sheets. I think the cold weather is bringing the ants indoors. Remember what I said about critters coming indoors due to the rain? Anyway, it rained soooo much last night. It was such a soothing sound. I woke up kinda early and hung out with mom and LoustaLoustaman before KaMami headed out to Meru. Then I laid down on the couch for a few hours, just zoned out. I was sooo tired due to the ants and due to romantic antics. Love can be literally exhausting. Why am I lacking sleep? LMAO…pleasure over sleep dawg. But not all the time. Sleep is a pleasure too. This is my 30’s talking. SLEEP IS PLEASURE TUH! Then we did my hair for a few hours, shout out to Mercy for doing my retie. I miss Mommy Dorcas. She was my Lox person and it felt weird having someone else do my hair after the same person has done it for 2.5yrs. Changes eh? After doing my hair, I planned to shower but that tiredness hit and I fell asleep on my bed for 2 hours. I was in a bad position so my tiddy was smashed by things on my bed. I woke up with such a sore boob I thought I had permanently injured my yiddies. Man I love these God Given double d’s. Anyway, we all Gøod now. I took a shower, went down to eat matoke and cabbage. Had some tea and a cookie cake like ting then came up here. Very meh kinda day eh? Lol. A few minutes ago Kendi was asking me to explain what it is about Canada I resent. And it is hard to explain white supremacy, racism, anti-blackness to someone who doesn’t know it. It sounds kinda crazy tbh because it is. And I don’t like talking about it with people that haven’t experienced it because I sound crazy. She kept asking, so what do you do about it? Do you know how crazy you sound saying you get treated badly over and over and over but cannot do anything about it? She was like, what if you go somewhere else and I tried to explain and I said it’s in the culture, it’s in the air. At that point I realized I sound psycho and just fell back. If she chooses to go she will find out and I will support her through it. It’s like explaining war to someone that has never experienced war. Sure they kinda get some of it but they cannot grasp the trauma only others understand the trauma and the ptsd and the lingering of that experience that you carry with you for eternity. A red stain for those who know. Anyway, it was a reminder of how much I don’t want to go back to the west ever again. Like I am Gøod. On a lighter note, my skin is so healthy. It is glowing, it has a natural highlighter helluurr fenty, I am naturally killawatt. See your gwoorrrlll shine. I am the color of a perfectly baked cookie sitting on the window sill covered in early evening golden hour light. My nails are shiny. They are literally stronger, shinier and growing. See this is what the African sun and warmth does to an African. I am in my element dawg. And yeah, sure there is poverty, classism, sexism…all these things are in the west as well. Here, I am LOVED for my cocoa brown melanated skin. Here, I am baby girl. Here, I am. Here I can be. Here I live. Here I breathe. Here I matter. Here I glow. Here I shine. Here I am She. Here I am Her. Here I am God. Here I am God’s. 

This was always God’s plan. I know God. I am God. Life is Gøod. I am Gøod. Ase. Ase.

[hotties4eva]

my heart over yours; part two | j.fleming x reader

prompt: your attention is suddenly not fully on jessie and she's not taking it well.

author notes: here's the part two y'all wanted 🥳 thanks for all the love on the first part like i swear i seen everything, just too nervous to say anything back lmaoo. regardless i hope this meets expectations 💗 enjoy! p.s. i swear the fic reads better while listening to the song...

contains: ucla!jessie x reader, childhood bestie!jessie, jealous!jessie, jeffery is trying to not tweak out 💔 #failed, reader is sorta of a bad gf/about to be gf to blondie, slight guilt tripping (?) not on purpose, spelling / grammatical issues maybe ignore them, jessie is sorta mean in this..

masterlist to other parts

playing been away by brent faiyaz 🎵

you don't answer jessie's question right away. easily being able to spot the badly hidden irritation in her voice, she could never hide her emotions from you. your heartbeat picks up as you look away from your screen. your eyes landing on your wall before you say anything. jessie asks something else before you can even answer her first question; "what did you say?"

"jess, what do you mean what did i say? if i said i forgot.. and.." you try to figure out what to say but can't find the words to tell your bestfriend that you forgot her game and technically can't make it because of a date with some girl you hardly know from class. jessie stays silent as she gets up out of the hotel bed. leaving her phone on the bed, her camera just facing the ceiling. you narrow your eyes in confusion, but before you could even say anything jessie comes back into the frame.

she grabs her phone then sets it up against something on the nightstand next to the bed. your confusion worsens as you notice some type of shirt in her hands as she walks back a little so that most of her is in the frame; now that you can fully see her you notice that she's wearing your plaid pajama shorts and your hoodie.

"so that's where my clothes went?" you say in a joking tone, trying to lighten the mood. you smile once you see jessie let out a soft giggle. she shakes her head before holding up the shirt; showing off the backside that has your last name on it. now that you can see what the shirt actually is you can see it's a national canadian team jersey. you let out a loud laugh of disbelief, not expecting to see your name on the back in of a national team jersey ever. "jessie..what..?" you say, a smile on your lips.

jessie holds up the jersey for a few minutes before moving out of frame to go put it back near her bag on the other side of the room. she comes back to the phone, picks it up, and lays down on her bed.

"all of the team said we should get you this since you're always at every game.. sometimes.." you giggle hearing jessie say sometimes, she gives you a little eye roll before continuing, "and we were going to surprise you with it this weekend but.."

her trailing off makes you frown. guilt rushes into your mind. you have been to a majority of the canadian national team's games especially if they happened in canada; it just felt natural to support jessie and pretty soon after attending your fifth game, you weren't just attending for jessie. you went to the games to see the other national team players as well. with the whole team becoming close to you just as they are close to jessie. you're basically a honorary player.

"god, jessie-" again you try to explain yourself more, but she cuts you off again. "sorry i just keep not letting you talk, but, god.. you don't have to come if you don't want to. it's not like i want to guilt you into doing something. never that," jessie says softly. you let out a sigh at how kind-hearted jessie can really be. she was a true sweetheart.

you go silent for a few moments. thinking about the current situation and how you could possibly not hurt anyone's feelings in the process. jessie was your top priority, but sasha didn't deserve to just be blown off. she wasn't too bad; she was really a good person too. it didn't feel fair to just drop her. you let out a soft gasp when an idea comes to your mind. jessie furrows her brows as you say, "i'll come but i have to talk to sasha first. you know about the date. don't wanna just blow her off."

"oh, okay. yeah that's.. whatever," the freckled woman tries to hide the irritation that's back in her tone. why did you have to talk to sasha about anything? especially something pertaining to you and jessie, not sasha. you hardly knew the girl and now you needed her opinion on decisions that frankly don't have nothing to do with her? it was slowly pissing jessie off. she fights off to urge to say that you actually don't have to talk to sasha first and you could just get on the first flight to san diego instead of wasting your time on some blonde chick who doesn't even know you; well, doesn't know you like how jessie knows you.

she wasn't even your girlfriend, just some date. hardly that, more like a project partner.

you can hear the irritation in her voice easily, again, jessie couldn't hide her emotions around you to save her life but you don't address it. reminding yourself to talk to her about it when you come down to san diego for the game.

soon enough the conversation moves away from anything sasha related with you not wanting to annoy jessie any further. she rambles to you about this show she's been watching throughout camp and how when she went to the beach she got thrown in the water and also how she saw this shop that she thinks you would like and so much more. that short time period where it felt like you two hardly talked really took it's toll on her, who else could she talk to about anything and everything? no one else. that period of time took it's toll on you too. you didn't realize how much you missed jessie until you talked to her for hours.

that night she refused to let you hang up, not that you were going to. asking (pouting at you) for you to fall asleep on facetime with her. you obviously agreed; falling asleep first. once you fully fell asleep, jessie took a few facetime photos. putting them in her folder in her gallery that she has for you. eventually she drifts off to sleep too. sasha long forgotten.

in the morning you're the one who hangs up first at the dismay of jessie. the canadian player tried her hardest to get you to stay on the phone until she had to go training which was in two hours. unfortunately, you had a morning class and felt weird about staying on the phone while in a classroom of nearly hundred people.

"i'll be silent, c'mon," jessie pouts. her hair is an absolute mess, stray hairs flying everywhere out of her loosely tied ponytail. she's still so tired. you can tell by how she's trying to keep her eyes open; her tired voice makes you smile.

"no, jess, you c'mon. you are so noisy when you're getting ready," you say. jessie lets out a groan before shaking her head, "no i'm not. i think you confused yourself with me because that's all you."

"stop lying to yourself, freckles."

"whatever, whatever. go ahead and leave me here.. all alone.." you roll your eyes at jessie's dramatics. she groans again when even her dramatics don't work. you finally hang up after promising her that you would call her tonight. she texts you hardly a minute after you hanged up,

freckles 💗

you woke me up, left, and now i can't sleep 😐

you

that's not even my fault

blame ucla

freckles 💗

im not saying you should have skipped class for your long term bestfriend..

but im not saying you shouldn't have

you

did someone replace my bestfriend?

my jess always forced me to go to class so..

freckles 💗

👎👎👎

not replaced it's called upgraded

you send a few texts back before slipping your phone into your bag. it seems that jessie falls back to sleep as you don't feel no vibrations from your phone as you walk to your first class.

the day passes by slowly as you bounce from class to class. why did you pick this major again? you can't even remember at this point. jessie sent you a few photos of her eating breakfast earlier. those made you smile and feel a little less exhausted. if only she was here. the day continues on and eventually you reach the class where sasha is in.

you two haven't talked since she asked you out yesterday. you were busy talking to jessie and you guess sasha had other things to do as well. now she's sitting next to you in class. sasha's playing with your fingers while telling you about how she struggled to cook dinner last night. you make a few jokes about how she could probably burn water if she had the chance which makes her give you a playful push to the shoulder.

"uh, sash. can i call you that?" you ask softly, unsure about giving her a nickname. sasha smiles, "of course you can. it's better than blondie, you know."

"who calls you that?"

"idiots who don't know me," she gives you a cheeky smile before shrugging, "but you do know me so don't call me blondie. alright?"

you give her a nod while smiling. the woman has a good sense of humor, you won't deny it. not like jessie's but funny. you mentally scold yourself for comparing the two; they are two different people, obviously they won't act the same.

"alright. anyways, i have something to ask you," your eyes glance over to the door of the classroom where your professor now comes though, "after though. our professor finally decided to show up." sasha giggles at your jab before nodding, pulling away from touching your hand.

the lecture lasts for nearly three hours. with the professor at the end reminding everyone to turn in their projects next week. good thing you and sasha finished that huge hunk of work earlier in the week; you didn't feel like stressing about that while down in san diego. sasha holds onto your arm as you two walk out of class then towards her dorm. "i didn't know rather your question was something important, so i wanted to give us some privacy. you know," sasha smiles as she lets your arm go.

"yeah, i get it," you walk into the vaguely familiar space after she unlocks the door. dropping your bag onto the floor next to her bed before sitting on it. you watch sasha slip her shoes off before joining you on the bed; shoulder to shoulder. for some reason you shift away, not out of rudeness. you just didn't want to be that close right now. if sasha cared she didn't say anything.

"okay, so, do you know about the usa vs canada friendly that's happening in san diego over the weekend, right?" you say, remembering how sasha and you talked about soccer sometime ago.

"yeah. what about it?"

"you know my bestfriend, jessie?" you don't notice how sasha purses her lips hearing you say jessie's name, you continue, "she plays for canada and i always go to her games. i been missing her and her entire team, so i planned to go to the game this weekend and forgot to tell you. i don't regret saying yes to the date, but i was thinking.. instead of going on the date you could come with me to the game? it would be so fun, i swear!"

sasha was feeling conflicted at first. she wanted to spend time one on one with you, so you two could possibly further this relationship between you but having the opportunity to go to an international friendly wasn't usually given to her. "yeah! okay, let's go. i been wanting to see the usa play for so long anyways," she gives you one of her usual bright smiles. seeing that smile calms your nerves. now you just had to tell jessie.

you spend almost ten minutes in sasha's dorm. just playing around and talking before you notice how it's starting to get late. sasha walks you all the way out of her dorm building, telling you to sleep well as you leave. you give her a smile before continuing to walk away.

the moment you get into jessie and yours dorm, you text her.

you

i asked sash if she wanted to come to the game

she said yes

can you get her a ticket pleasee. all the good ones sold out

freckles 💗

who is sash??

you

sasha..??

jessie just came back from training, already having taken her after practice shower and changed into some sweatpants and a hoodie. she wanted to be ready to facetime all night, no interruptions. she wasn't expecting you to text her about sasha; at least not like that. after last night, jessie almost prayed for you to text her the next day that you were coming alone. she didn't expect you to text that you invited sasha to her game. and now you're giving this blonde chick nicknames? all jessie can do is roll her eyes. she fights the urge to lie and say that she couldn't get any tickets; that the game is fully sold out, but she knows you would catch that lie easily. while jessie's thinking about it, her phone vibrates with another text from you.

you

im going to get in the shower

text me yes or no

if yes send the ticket 🙏 ur a lifesaver if yes

your text makes jessie sigh. she doesn't want to disappoint you even if it kills her. around ten minutes after you sent that text, she starts to ask around if she could get a ticket for the game. claiming it was for "a friend" she cringed saying that, but regardless. it wasn't hard to get a ticket, she is a player after all.

you get out of the shower an hour later. you're drying your hair as you move over to your bed to grab your phone; noticing a text from jessie. you smile as you read,

freckles 💗

i got one

*photo attachment sent*

you can give it to her when she comes down with you i guess

i'll just give it to you

you click on the photo, zooming in to see what seat sasha will be sitting at. your eyebrows furrow in confusion as you realize the seat on her ticket is on the other side of the stadium, away from you.

you

bro jess

that ticket isn't even near me 😭

freckles 💗

you didn't say anything about wanting the ticket to be near you

be clearer next time what 👎👎

you

be so serious..

jessie facetimes you and obviously you answer. now sitting down on your bed, your phone propped up against a plushie near your pillow. you sitting slightly to the side, trying to braid your hair. once jessie phone connects, she's pouting, "i can't see your face."

"yes you can, jess," you giggle. jessie pouts gets worse, "hardly.."

"you're such a baby," you look at the screen to see jessie resting her face against one of the hotel bed pillows, her hair a little messy and out of a ponytail. the sight makes you giggle again; how she's looking is just proving your point. jessie is a baby.

"i'm not a baby. just miss you..wanna see you," she says softly. being away from you without talking much was already tiring her out. she wasn't used to it, if you two could be on the phone all day she would. the second you step foot into san diego, you aren't getting rid of her. irritation bothers her mind again as jessie remembers that you invited that blonde to come see the game. she smiles when you say, "miss you more. i feel so bad. it's my fault we haven't been talking and seeing eachother as much."

"blame ucla, isn't that what you said earlier?" jessie jokes, "no but seriously, it's not your fault. you're just so hardworking. it's admirable"

"i know jessie fleming isn't calling someone else hardworking," you joke back. trying to hide how jessie's compliment makes you smile so hard; it's her favorite thing to tease you about. she was addicted to complimenting you it seemed. the canadian always had something good to say about you, it's a habit she gained back when you two became friends in elementary.

she scoffs, "i swear you work harder than me." right after saying that she yawns. you don't even try to argue with her. knowing how stubborn jessie can be sometimes. you yawn too, the day was tiring enough and seeing jessie makes you even sleepier. you read somewhere about how people get all sleepy around others who make them feel safe? yeah, that's what's going on here. too bad you weren't in her arms right now, instead talking to a screen. you get up out of bed, going out of the frame to go cut off the light before coming back to lay on your bed. shifting to be in a similar position as jessie.

"god, now you're copying me? you're obsessed," she jokes, making you roll your eyes. "be so serious with yourself. you are the one always wearing my clothes."

"alright. i can't argue against that," jessie yawns again. you decide this is the best time to talk about the ticket situation before jessie ends up dozing off like she always does. you shift again, pressing your face against your pillow as you pull up the cover; making your lips slightly pouty. jessie smiles seeing you all pouty and sleepy. she couldn't wait to see you in person. too bad that smile doesn't last long as you say, "why would you get sash seats so far away from me? that woman is going to be so lost."

the canadian scoffs, not wanting to talk about this right now or talk about sasha in general, ever. she curses how kind you are; why can't you just not care about this blonde girl? like you don't even know her truly. "that's the ticket they gave me when i asked. don't blame me, all the seats around you were sold out," she pushes away your concern nonchalantly.

"and since when was blondie, sash?" she asks. it's your turn to scoff, remembering how sasha said only people who don't know her called her blondie, you say, "since today. and why do you call her blondie?"

"because i don't know her name."

"you literally called her sasha the other night."

"not my fault that it's forgettable. it's not like she's my friend," jessie says, not adding in how sasha isn't your friend either. you stop yourself from rolling your eyes at her childishness. it was funny and adorable, but slightly annoying.

"ugh, alright, freckles. i'll drop it before i annoy you to death," you roll your eyes once jessie smiles. she thanks you before the conversation falls into talking about how she failed a push-up contest earlier.

you and sasha fly out to san diego the day of the match. unfortunately college made it a little hard to come out earlier than saturday with you having an exam on thursday, but still you two make it.

checking into the same hotel as the canada national team at around six, an hour before the game. getting from the airport to the hotel was easy but the traffic was not fun. at least it wasn't as bad as la traffic, but still horrible.

you're standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom of your shared hotel room with sasha. you texted jessie earlier before you boarded the plane that you would be there with her text back a quick okay since she was busy preparing for the game. there wasn't a need to text her that you were here, it's not like she would be able to answer it.

"wow, you betrayed me. canada really?" sasha playfully says as she walks into the bathroom. wearing a usa jersey that has s.mewis on the back while you're wearing your usual fleming canada jersey. you smile as you tease back, "i'm canadian. what did you expect? you betrayed me actually. really, usa?"

sasha shrugs, leaning against the bathroom counter, "gotta support the fellow tall blonde. sammy is a total beast." you just smile and don't argue back. what could say? sam mewis is a force on the pitch. it's been years since you played and even you knew that.

you finish getting ready after almost fifteen minutes. with sasha coming in and out of the bathroom while explaining that she actually really enjoyed the usa when they played, but is just a casual fan. you two leave out of the hotel room with just enough time to grab a drink before going to the stadium.

"sorry that your ticket is like so far from me. jessie couldn't get one closer," you say to sasha as you sit beside her in y'all's uber. the blonde woman takes it well, just saying that she will catch you after the game. you explain to her that you two are going to go down on the pitch after, so she shouldn't leave and go back to the hotel.

"forgot your bestie was a bigshot," she says when you two reach the stadium. shutting the car door after you get out of the backseat. "yeah. freckles is just that good," you smile, pulling sasha along to one of the entrances. once you two go inside, y'all split up. sasha joking that she'll see you on the other side which makes you laugh.

when you reach your seat, you get comfortable. sipping on your strawberry drink as you wait for the match to get started. the stadium has a nice amount of fans, with you even noticing that some seats around you are empty. shaking your head as you think about jessie's excuse last night; all the seats around you were sold out? as if. speaking of jessie, you spot her on the pitch. she waves once you two's eyes meet. quinn, who's beside her, waves as well. giving you a heart gesture that you return.

soon enough the game starts. it's fast and intense with players on both sides being aggressive in their own right. jessie even scores a goal for canada which makes you scream. she gives you a smug smile when she passes by where you are in the stands, making you roll your eyes. the match continues on with you screaming a bit more everytime things got too intense. the score line ends up being seven to six; the usa scoring a last minute goal to secure the win. your eyes look at the usa players fall into a group hug before looking around the pitch at the canadian players who obviously didn't look as overjoyed.

fans start to leave the stadium after some of the players walked around to interact. jessie is still far off somewhere on the pitch while you get out of your seat and walk over to the stairs of your part of the stands. leaning against the railing, trying to look around if you can see a certain tall blonde in the rapidly emptying stadium. you don't notice when she comes up to you. she playfully pushes your arm as she says, "told you the usa would win."

"yeah, whatever. canada is going to get y'all back next time," you tease back. you two stand near the bottom of the stairs, right where the pitch meets the tunnel. it takes a bit but jessie starts to make her way over to you. a bright smile on her lips. you can tell how excited the freckled woman is by her fast walking, making you giggle. when she gets close enough you walk onto the pitch to meet her. pulling her into a hug, your arms wrapping around her neck. sasha walks onto the pitch behind you but stays a few steps back.

"god, missed you," jessie's words come out half muffled as she nuzzles her face into your neck. her hands holding onto your waist. you sway a little, saying, "missed you more." soon jessie pulls her face out of your neck, still hugging you as she rests her head onto your shoulder. sasha and her eyes meet; jessie's hands moving lower onto your lower back, rubbing at the skin there with one of her hands going underneath the fabric of the fleming jersey you have on. the other resting on top of it.

"ew, your hand is all sweaty.." you mumble against her ear. jessie just chuckles, partially at your small disgust and partially at how sasha's eyes glance from where jessie's hands are on your body then back to meeting the canadian's eyes. the soccer player gives sasha a smug smile right before you pull away from the hug. you don't stray too far though, interlocking your hand with jessie's afterwards.

you pull jessie closer to sasha. smiling as you say, "sorry sash. we haven't seen each other in a while, so i got distracted." sasha nods, a small smile on her lips that don't really meet her eyes. she's about to speak when jessie cuts her off, "yeah, sorry.. savannah..? we just get carried away sometimes. i just been missing my bestfriend so much." you gently smack jessie's arm which makes her let out a soft ow. she looks at you and you look back.

while you and jessie are looking at each other, having a silent conversation with just eyes alone, sasha is looking at how you two's hands are interlocked. the way your thumb is rubbing on one of jessie's fingers; the way jessie gives your hand a light squeeze. her eyes look back up when jessie speaks, "sorry for forgetting your name. with the game and all, i'm just so tired."

"oh no, it's fine. we haven't even met really so i get it," sasha says. you let out a sigh of relief. just thankful sasha didn't take any offense; being rude to the only person in your entire lecture who actually talks to you would not be a good outcome. the conversation soon falls away into something else, with everyone wanting to move away from the awkward interaction.

eventually it's time to head to the bus to get back to the hotel. jessie doesn't let go of your hand once as she walks with you to the bus. sasha trailing behind. jessie stops next to the bus, glancing at sasha before saying to you, "are you going to come on the bus with me? everyone wants to see you and we were going to stop by this donut shop nearby that i know you'll like, i don't know where we're going to park such a huge bus, but we'll make it work i guess?"

you let out a giggle at her last sentence before considering jessie's question for a moment. stopping yourself from saying yes right away; jessie and donuts? you wanted to say yes badly, but then you looked behind you to see sasha and remembered that you didn't come to san diego alone.

"can't, jess. i don't want to let sasha take an uber alone. it's evening time," you explain. the blonde woman smiles hearing how you are so considerate. jessie wants to pull that smile off her face; what is she even smiling for? it wasn't some over romantic gesture. you're just a nice person. that's why blondie is here anyways because you want to be nice to people who frankly don't even hold value to you. jessie pushes away her annoyance, just saying, "okay. better come to my hotel room the moment i get to there, you have to get your donut." you smile and nod, pulling jessie into a hug before letting her go onto the bus.

sasha and you walk back to one of the entrances of the stadium. waiting for around five minutes for an uber, you hold the door open for sasha to let her in first and then you get in after.

the ride back to the hotel is awkward, but alright. you wanted to apologize for basically leaving sasha out the moment jessie appeared, but you thought that bringing it up would make everything else worse. while in the uber, sasha asks you a question, "there's this pizza place near the hotel that i been wanting to go to. never had the chance, college and all but i was wondering if you wanted to go. like tonight."

"tonight?" you look at sasha, seeing a hopeful look in her eyes. that look sealed your fate the moment you saw it; you been blowing her off all day, she deserves this one thing, right?

"yeah, sure."

you two reach the hotel before the canadian national team bus does. after going to y'all's hotel room and changing out of your match outfits. you slip into one of jessie's t-shirts and some jeans. while sasha is changing in the bathroom into a yellow sundress. while you're sitting on your bed, waiting for sasha, you get a text from jessie that the team is back at the hotel.

"i'm going to go see jessie! she's here! i'll be back soon though, i swear," you shout out towards the bathroom before leaving out of the hotel room quickly. not even catching sasha's response. you find jessie's room, the freckled woman standing there next to her door. she must have put her bag inside of her room because it wasn't anywhere near her. she's holding two donuts, smiling when she sees you walking towards her, "gotchu your favorite. had to fight off ashley for it."

"you could've let her take it. we could have shared," you take your donut, taking a small bite. you enjoy it for a moment before remembering you have come here on a mission. "okay, jessie, listen.." by your tone jessie can already tell you're about to say something she wasn't going to like.

"sasha asked to go to this pizza shop that she's been wanting to go to for so long and i have been ignoring basically all day and i feel so bad, so i'm going to go with her but once i get back, i'm sleeping in your hotel room," you say. jessie lets out a soft groan at hearing that you were going to technically blow her off for blondie. that tall chick couldn't have to want to go to that place that bad. she does smile hearing you say that you'll come sleep in her room after, but still, she wanted you for the whole night. not as some afterthought.

jessie shakes her head before saying, "i don't wanna impose but can i come along? you know i'm always hungry after games." that sentence wasn't even a lie she made up to join in on your little pizza date. you knew how hungry jessie got after every game especially if she was a starter.

"your appetite can never be squashed. whatever, c'mon," you laugh, pulling on her arm to bring her along with you down the hall.

"i haven't even eaten my donut yet and neither have you!"

"we'll snack on the way to the room!"

"what about my clothes? i have to change, i don't even have my hoodie on anymore."

"god jessie, you steal my clothes any other time. just borrow again."

you two bicker like usual all the way on the walk to the hotel room. the donuts are half gone by the time you two reach it. "so is sasha like in the room on the left or right of yours?" jessie asks. you give her a look, about to tell her that actually sasha and you got a joint room, but you don't even have to as sasha opens the door.

jessie stares blankly from sasha to you to sasha to you and finally landing her glance on you.

"what..?" jessie doesn't even hide the irritation in her voice, this was really starting to piss her off now.

author notes: woww another cliffhanger 😱😱 i hope y'all liked it because i enjoyed writing it, tell me your thoughts about it too 💔💔 all the engagement was fun last time

© THINKINGABOUTJAEDYN

[hardfeeling505]

All about her

This story is about my experience became friend with someone i accidentally met on random tiktok live and i asking her to be FRIEND MOOTS

her nickname idk, i just call her M, she is the oldest child, from what i see she is a very good big sis to her younger sis(her sister is so lucky to have u M).height 5'4 feet in cm its like 162.56 (she told me how else i know😐)born on September something 2005. I thought i'm going to jail man😐 but i born on 2001 so it okay, thanks God for that✊ (im a little bit cooked tbh i'm on a thin ice right back there😔) she a Filipino Canadian Girl, raised in Alberta , Edmonton , Canada. It take about 24hr 45 min flight from my place. One day i hope for to meeting her in person😤,even though i know its not gonna happen(just me being delulu).

Actually, i want to witness the flower bloom in spring with my own eyes + Also meeting my buddy. She told me her province is known for Grand Prairie’s and stuff, it's like a full green land and have so many lake ,as i recall there also a moutain (6 hours ride from her home) bcs she told me that there is so many wild flower will bloom when it spring season. I bet the view is so beautiful, you know nature and beautiful, a word that can't be separated, and yes always beautiful + watching with her? Bro!! i gotta prepare insulin injection bcs i might got sick from all those sweet moment with her

(🗣️📢🔥🔥🔥this is not a pickup line).

Other thing about her.She is one of the lactose intolerant victim , can't drink or eat anything contain dairy stuff ,only almond milk. She told me she can't eat corndog ,poor her.😭 Bro!! i eat corndog like i cant even count how much i eat.When she say that , i wish i can give her a hug but must keep it halal (yes i'm a muslim). Furthermore, i like like like it when she go suddenly share random fact about her ,one example of it "i hate energy drink" and "im just got choke from reading your comment bro" , she so random Bro that is one of her charm and i loving it (as a buddy ofc)

And one moment, my dumbass go tell her to try drink banana milk, After re-read my chat i go Oof what have i done😐. I genuinely want to kick myself for that I'm so sorry M forgive me please i think i half asleep at that moment not thinking straight. 🙏 (im doom can't think of any better excuses Help😔)

Also the so CUTE impression of her i can't hold myself to tease her😭(im cooked). SO STRONG INFJ VIBE FR. There is one morning we chatting about breakfast , she say she making a toast bread, I ask her "M you eating the bread with what? peanut butter?" and she answer "i eat it with banana and something" , then i say "i like banana too" for real i like banana💯. Then, i saw my opportunity to tease her and i took it😭, i start with asking her "u know what i like too?" ,she reply "what?" , it might seem crazy what gonna say, i with my full consciousness say " i like strawberry jam, strawbewwy jam is so✨✨" , and she reply with "Oooh" then "okay". I feel like a bad guy at that moment but man she so cute i cant resist it I am so sorry M forgive me🙏😔. (i want to do it again frfr)

She going into Nursing then paramedics like ambulance people, praying for her to achieve her dream, Amin .Please God give her All the strength she need bcs im so far away from her🤲.(Proud for her Bro as buddy ofc).She enjoy work out so much (i like it too💯), consider it her hobby for now.She like to say LOL a lot i know everyone does but her LOL is different for me (dont attack me).

One more thing i like about her is her habits to explain to me about something until i truly understand, her effort Bro!!. (she like to express her feeling by put it all in her writing). I swear i will like and always read everything she wrote man like i feel like my eyes and brain (my whole life existance) is created by god to read her essay man, to listen to her. I literally crying right now while writing this. thank god i not writing this on paper man.She so precious to me Bro!!! like very unreal to me and i dont deserve to get to know her, to good to be true.

(Pls read this one paragraph below while listen to Everygreen by Richy Mitch & The Coal Miners trust me)

one moment , i talk to her about snow (we like to talk about random stuff) anyways it go like this i ask " M, is it spring there?" she answer "it still winter season " , after that i told her "i like winter but i like to see flower bloom in spring more" , and she start telling me all of her life experience living in 4 season, after that we caught in deep talk moment it for like forever for me (it feel long for me) It so beautiful man talking to her, its healing me. Then the sentence hit me.I dont want to lose her as a buddy ofc(she already on a somewhat relationship).

- her Twice bias is dahyun meanwhile mine is sana

- her Aespa bias is karina(same as me)

- her Nmixx bias is lily(same twice) Do you see there is a sign here.

Finally we are here thank for staying with me on this journey,The Main Topic is her MBTI😤

A Beautiful yet So Soft INFJ personality ,i have so much interest in this mbti man,you know this type of mbti is so rare. I am shooketh yes my jaw drop ahh so cringe but it is frfr when she told me her mbti i am so shock Lol, i never found this type before all of my friend male/ female is always started with E and end with J or some case started with I and end with P, what i want to say is it so weird to me this type of MBTI INFJ. It so UNIQUE thats the word .Don't want to be so hype talking to her so i tried to cover with "oh idk u were an I" meanwhile me talking to myself ofc she an I you dummy she like nature and stuff also she admire cat ☝️😃 Also it her fav animal. (i bet you 100 dollar she will pat every cat she bypass)

About her song taste is interesting .Quite similar to me or just the same genre?🤔 As expected from her MBTI type. Her fav song is My Love Mine All Mine by Mitski (this song is PERFECT just like her)😤 *i want to cry again bro. She has 39K+ minutes streaming on spotify for this song ALONE (she told me). JUST FOR 39k MINUTES ??? THE SONG IS IN YOUR BLOOD GIRL FRFR . It Mother Mitski song never ever doubted her song✊). One statement from M. "I actually have 209k minutes of listening to music on Spotify😌"

I want to ask her ig so bad Bro!!! or anything that can i use to reach/contact her others from tiktok. i can't use my sticker that the main reason, all my hilarious meme collection relatable go to waste and also i'm a coward.

Something i truly get hurt from is the fact she have anxiety/panic attack(she frequently got stomachache).I really want to know how to pleasant or calming her, tbh i try search and read many article about anxiety, unfortunately ,i don't find any effective ways just some drinking water and stuff like that😔. Even though i suffer from same thing but i too don't know any tips.Maybe try go to therapy session like me once a week?(its not working for me my therapist just want my money i know it not that right Mr Lim? you scammer he is chinese).Article nowadays is unhelpful.

I think i just like her personality or am i? or im just too easy to catching feeling (maybe its true). It just a phase i guess i will get over it😌

Sorry i forgot to put her Newjeans bias(her ultimate Gir Group). Her bias is Kang Kaerin😸 , i agree with her Kang Haerin is so cute but She more cuter to me ahh i wish i could tell her this, what a coward i am. Ofc bcs they share the same Mbti INFJ (she like her so much, i bet her photo album of Kang Haerin is more than 500+ pic). Her bias wrecker is Danielle🐶(my bias), YES if you notice there is pattern here.If you a Bunnies, DaeRin Friendship you will get it what i mean. Also i make a Favorite Collection on my tiktok profile for her, I know i know, it nothing but i should do something for her. The Title "For Her , yep U" . I remember creating it 3 day after meet her, and ofc as buddy nothing personal. My tiktok name is Newjeans Haerin (cactus name)🥕 on her Jean'Zine solo vlog.

Btw I'm an INFP My MBTI ,funny right?

About my MBTI there is story too🤟.

Before the covid, i take the MBTI test between 2018-2019 i'm still in college back then and My first MBTI test result is ENFP. Fyi, i'm quite not shy person. Main reason, 2nd child curse?. i believe this is so true My family always ignore me frfr😭 but i know deep down of their heart they still care or maybe bcs“ i'm annoying "ahh kinda kid back then, I like hugging them, its that wrong?😃 that not a crime and i am still kid. I think clingy is the word😌🤟.Don't blame me, since birth i'm like this (im cooked)

After Covid, between 2023 year i retake the test the reason is i notice that my social skill is gone ,maybe bcs im live alone. Literally, It was like i scare to talk , i'm worry that someone will judge me when i approach them. I hate anxiety bro!! My condition is so bad at some point i can't breath normally , it like my chest is so full, i took various antistress pill(i stop taking them now) this entire pain after years not talking much to someone, only my cat Lol, i love my cat he so cute like frfr😭 his name is kuromi. he a black cat with yellow eye + he like hugging me,he is the only creature that like back when i hug😭 the other half of me. About friend i have friends so many friends but i don't usually contact them by phone or online its just me, i prefer go meet them , stop by for a drink like that , Face to face Obviously before covid what harm can happen to you by doing outdoor activity?get hit by car? actually that is harmful.Super harmful actually, really what the dangerous thing could happen to you? got sick from fever? Back then even social anxiety scare to me😔. Yeah i know what u thinking My friend when don't like the idea i want to hug them too , that not a new things to me i'm just joking 😔(im not).Frfr i have so many friends. It so easy to make friends Bro!! like just go talking to someone new i don't see any problem at all . It just 2 human talking like .

you=>🧍🏻talking🧍🏻<=me

Agree with me Dangerous Virus is just a myth before covid-19 exist, its like a movie title Bro so dumb. Just a small dumb virus ruining my life.

Continue my story about mbti test , i retake it, the result come out, and i got the INFP BRO!!☹️ as expected ,yeah the E is gone. Untill now i still not retake the test but im 💯 sure the E is back bcs starting this year at my workplace i slowly not slowly tbh Lol, easily can approach people now bro like frfr, i think i enjoy talking to people back , i like listen to them. i know what u think the hugging thing i can control it now.Bro i'm a grownass man now😭 (i still like hugging but not other gender keep stay halal). Maybe i should consider retake the test again this year🤔.Overall For who reading this now.Thank You Very Much For spend your time reading my yapping essay about someone who already i lost contact with. My conclusion is, Heals Really Take Time FRFR,you just has to trust the process.

#MBTI#Healing#infj#enfp#infp#Mitski#yapping#shortstory#fantasy#humor#frfr#halal#anxiety#covid#imcooked#haerin#danielle#newjeans#nmixx#lily#aespa#karina#twice#dahyun#sana#spotify#🥕#feeling#tiktok#tiktoklive#canada#alberta#edmonton

side note : i type all this while listen to her fav song on loop, I'm not good at writing essay unlike her, sorry for all grammatical error or miss place, word conjunction. Thanks all for the memory M. Hope ur doing Great Now.

[builder-4-hire-new-home-packages]

https://www.empcontracting.ca & Erik M. Parti here I am working away trying to be nice on the internet and I have to be proud, although I am not perfect but today I am proud to know God, the most high God! He teaches me that number one he is way feakin better then me or the rest of you mankind so take a break this Christmas and thank God for your life by  maybe giving fair rent to someone who doesn't make that much money! Don't rip off peoples wages like in shit whole countries, and if you are in a shit whole!  Daaahhhhh ohh and Merry Christmas to all every where especially crap wholes with chaos and confusion - may you meet God from him manifesting love in your heart honesty and get rid of these God's that don't have any value like being able to make time and space and give free will to man! LIKE FREE WILL - CAN YOU IMAGINE SO MANY OF YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE FAIR RENT OR WAGES LET ALONE FREE WILL LOL MERRY CHRISTMAS! NO BOMBS BOMBS ARE NOT ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY AND certainly NOT SUSTAINABLE INTELLIGENT - DON'T USE BOMBS IF YOU HAVE A PRIMITIVE LEADER THAT HAS A NASAL CONGESTION SO BAD HIS BRAIN IS SHRUNK TO THE SIZE OF A BASEBALL AND IS REALLY JUST HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO MOLD !  HE IN HIS RIGHT STATE  CERTAINLY DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY GOOD LIVING BY RUINING THE ENVIRONMENT WE LIVE IN SO WHEN HE ACTS CRAZY AND SAYS, "LETS BLOW UP ISRAEL" OR "KILL HOMAS" REMEMBER HE IS STUPID BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION AND SHOULD BE GIVEN SOME GOOD TEA AND A NICE DAY OR TWO OFF WORK AND STRESS AND MAYBE CHECK TO SEE IF THE PALACE SHOULD MAYBE GET RIPPED DOWN AND REPURPOSED AND TREATED WITH CHLORINE TO AVOID MOLD POISING! That is why I build homes using the Canadian Building Code because mold and little poisons that we think is nothing but a little dirt on the wall can actually cause wars and I truly believe is and are the reason for a lot of wars! Believe it or not mold poising is a from the toxic nature of mold eating, but it is really disintegrating material that it is embedded in thus the material has a chemical reaction and depending on the calculation of the chemical change and what specific molecule comes from the mold depends on how dangerous your living environment is!  So the next time you have war, or there is gun fire maybe slow down that think really why that is occurring! Maybe some idiot just got listened to who is having a mental health break down who is being poisoned by ultra toxic poisoning and no one knows he isn't really a monster he is just high on poison! Where we find behavioral problems we always can find a significant poisonous contaminant in the living environment! So fighters stop and remember God over some guy who can't shut up in a crowd and thinks he must live out every stupid thing he must say in a crowd - and look, maybe the loose mouthed idiot just needs some rest and have the Blue tooth turned off or the wifi signal close to his home removed!  Think about it! Cell phone is microwave radiation - and that is a poison to us we cook food in in Canada and the USA and any where else stupid enough to ruin the molecular quality of food!  Imagine what cell phones are doing to people in the dry desert!  Because of this scientific understanding I believe that people could actually be having a mental health break down in group numbers and not even know they aren't irritated at all at their neighbors they just need healthy good environment and living situations including good moist diet and fluids to replenish the bodies humidity level so that people can go to bed and sleep and all the heavy metals breathed in through out the day can flush - thus why we have people who don't sleep are often just dehydrated stress or not, mix that with wifi cell radiation in the home or church or synagogue and you find a lot of reasons why people can't act like primitive animals! Something is wrong, help them don't blow their heads off give them something to eat! Look at the thermos breaks in the home! Is there enough ventilation or to much moisture build up and a weird yellow film or dirt that seems to be sucked into the skin of paint or concrete of the walls? Many crazy people over the past of history who didn't do much for anyone or anything but get a whole bunch of people who couldn't just have the balls to say "Shut up" and "No" we aren't going to leave our family and endanger our self's to go take another from him and both get killed at a young age like a bunch of stupid f words!  I am serious this is no joke!  From sky scrapers to empty over priced office buildings in starving down town centers I see this all the time with a wholes!  We have people sick and they are having problems with ego and anger and they feel like shit and cause problems and that is why! Right here listed here in!  I encourage you! Instead of having another stupid cave man primitive war next time learn to say "shut up" "your sick int he head"  or "that palace is to big and full of mold and you are crazy" to the next psychopathic idea from some idiot to go massacre a bunch of kids or invade a country!  Just stupid! Any ways and even just when you or the wife and kids are fighting think of this lesson here in! Maybe you will be able to rekindle the relationship with that crazy old mother and law yet when you find out what really the problem is other then your cooking!  The Canadian Building Code is designed to take as much poison out of the home as possible while not including things like radon, mold or asbestos and have other problems from chemical changes coming over time from material break down such that comes from oxygenating metals or changing electrodes in steal when we have galvanization or pressure treated wood sitting against polyurethane that is bad to have in Iraq or United Arab Eremites because the temperature of those climatic areas is so high the polyurethane becomes a toxic waste and gives off poisonous gases that cause all kind of health problems but until you learn from a master like me, Master Erik Parti you won't know because this information just doesn't jump out and say "Your the boss now stupid you know everything" no it hides and you get sick or worse kids in the building construction atmosphere are effected or some idiot talking to someone with a gun that is to uninformed to know that that person could be in a significant health situation causing him to be considerable stupid and mentally unwell or have breathing and other issues!  for quality home packages call https://www.empcontracting.ca 

[botwstoriesandsuch]

Big question. I need your opinion on something. If Mipha was never saved, and Vah Ruta was never calmed, what effect would it have on Hyrule. We know that it will flood, however I doubt the Shiekah would have the ability to create water from nothing (like to gods) so I just assume they are teleporting so the ocean won't rise. With this in mind, none of the major settlements would really be affected. Gerudo Town is far enough out of the path that the river would take through lake Hylia, Riti Village is also out of the way, and not only does it have a natural moat (if you could call it that) but also a canyon in the way. Korok Forest has magic and a moat and is also out of the way, Goron City is also to high up and out of the way, Tarrey Town is really highup and out of tge way, Zoras domain has pretty good drainage and it will probably go through the several other exits to not cause that muc damage, Kakariko Village is safe in the mountains, Hateno Town is safe and out of the way, and Lurelin Village is also out of the way and won't be damaged unless the ocean floods.

WOO LET’S FLOOD A CIVILIZATION AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

**Zelda meter is the meter system of objmap.zeldamods.org, but in accordance with previous posts I'm gonna convert it later to "actual" meters that I think is more realistic. You’ll see why later.

ALRIGHTY, SO LET’S START WITH MEASURING TIME!

So, East Reservoir Lake is 545 zelda meters long (light blue) and 340 zelda meters wide (blue)

Or if we want to see it as more of a circle, it has a radius of 239 zelda meters

Rutala Dam itself is 30 zelda meters wide and 140 zelda meters across. (see purple)

Taking a picture and using an online ruler, I found that the damn is roughly 123 zelda meters tall. (1 cm equal to 17.5 zelda meters by using the 140zm measurement)

Technically speaking, the dam's depth is infinite in the game, so we'll just use this damn's height as the depth.

And before you tell me that I should count the height of the rocks that the damn sits on top of as part of the depth, I'm gonna say not because dams typically block preexisting waterfalls, and given the rounded erosion of the rocks here, I would say that is also the case. Therefore, this was a waterfall that fed into the Rutala River and is not counted for the reservoir's depth.

So, in summary:

Reservoir Length: 545zm

Reservoir Width: 340zm

LW Reservoir Surface Area: 185,300zm (That is only 0.1 zelda kilometer. For comparison, the 45th largest reservoir in the world, Capivera Dam [last place on Wikipedia list] is still 515 square kilometers. The largest ones being in the 60k areas. I’ll come back to this point later.)

Reservoir Radius: 239zm

(pi)r^2 Reservoir Surface Area: 179,451zm2 (179zkm2) [Just got these numbers of surface areas to demonstrate they're practically the same whether you see it as circular or rectangular. I think the circle will be more accurate so going forward I will be using it as my basis for calculations]

Dam Length: 140zm

Dam Height: 123zm

Dam Width: 30zm

The Total Water Rutala Dam Holds Back: 22,072,473zm3 [Instead of just using the sphere volume formula or the LWH formula, I used my more accurate surface area made with the the radius and multiplied by the dam height(is that the,,,cylinder formula? I think so)]

Rutala Dam is supposed to be the largest reservoir in Hyrule, shown very prominently on the map. The largest reservoir(by surface area) in our world is Lake Winnipeg, with a surface area of 24,514 km2, (but only has a depth of 12 meters.)

But here it is on a map of Canada:

To reiterate, Lake Winnipeg has an area of 24,514km, and with zelda meters, East Reservoir Lake has an area of 179.

“BUT KIP! MAYBE EAST RESEVOIR LAKE IS JUST REALLY REALLY SMALL, HYRULE IS PRETTY SMALL ISN’T IT?”

Ok, so comparing the reservoir to one of the the largest, if not THE largest, settlements in the game, Zora’s Domain, we can see that the reservoir is several times it’s size.

But you’ll also note that Zora’s Domain has a diameter of 234zm. That, the entire city, the entire DOMAIN of Zora. 234 zelda meters. Manhattan is 21,100 meters long. Manhattan, by the way, is a fifth fraction of the New York County, which is the smallest county in the United States of America.

234 zelda meters, that’s an area of 43,005zm2. Do you know what else is aobut 40k meters squared in real life? Your nearest Walmart. Just a bit bigger than your local Tesco. Supposedly the entire Zora population, that has been untouched by the 100 year apocalypse and arguably had room to GROW over this time, is living in a Trader Joes.

So I hope this illustrates why I’m converting the zelda meters used on the website to something that I think would be more realistic in the realm of Hyrule. You can find my very loud and kinda embarrassing but factual! and old post about the conversion here, same link as at the top, but essentially just trust me on the conversation that 1zm is equal to 30 real-life meters.

New Realistic Measurements:

Reservoir Length: 16,350m or 16.35km

Reservoir Width: 10,200m or 10.2km

LW Reservoir Surface Area: 166,770km2

Reservoir Radius: 7170m or 7.17km

(pi)r^2 Reservoir Surface Area: 5,383,530m2 or 5382.53km2

Dam Length: 4200m

Dam Height: 3690m

Dam Width: 900m

The Total Water Rutala Dam Holds Back: 19,865,225,700m3 or 19.8 million cubic kilometers of water AKA 19.8 billion kiloliters AKA 5.2 trillion gallons o’ agua

Now THAT sounds more like the biggest dam in all of Hyrule. In fact, it adds up with the stats of the largest dam in our world(by gallons held), that is, the Three Gorges Dam.

The Three Gorges Dam, located in China, ALSO holds back 5 trillion gallons of water/19 billion cubic meters. Although it is a lot shorter than Rutala’s measurements--I think the amount of water that it holds back will be a perfect guide to see the devastation that Rutala’s potential breakage could cause on Hyrule.

There actually is a simulation online about what would happen if the Three Gorges Dam collapsed but I’m not gonna link it cause it might be a bit too distressing, but just know that I based this on that simulation.

Firstly, the biggest sigh of relief comes from the Samasa Plain.

The plain is very very low and slopes down into the Lanayru Bay, so a lot of the water would empty into there. However, the plain would then be totally submerged, so RIP to the shrines and ruins around there. Areas in red as submerged and areas in green would become islands or marshes.

And with that, the water level of Lanayru Bay would rise drastically. Blue is the new water level, dark green are islands, and light green are potential wetlandish areas that would form as time passed.

But basically, Rutala river would have a new branch that spills directly into the Lanayru Bay.

So now you may be thinking,

“HEY KIP THAT’S NOT SO BAD! MOST OF IT SPILLS OUT INTO THE BAY SO IT’S NOT A LOT OS DESTRUCTION! YAY!”

And you’d be half right.

Yes, a lot of the water is going to spill out over Samasa Plain and yes, Lanayru Bay will house a lot of it. But here’s the kicker.

It’s a bay.

Not an ocean.

It would take 1.25zkm or 30km for the water to make it’s way to the ocean, and the water will be traveling SUPER fast--about 100 kilometers per hour.

And that water wants to move, it wants to flow, and Lanayru Bay cannot help all that water flower because:  It’s shallow as fuck.

This chest shows the deepest point in all of Lanayru Bay.

I dropped a windcleaver down in the water: and using a generous GENEROUS estimate of 2 feet per second given the conditions of the still water in the bay--It took 5 seconds for it to float to the bottom. 10 feet. 3 meters. That’s just barely deeper than the deep end of a backyard swimming pool.

But even being extra EXTRA generous and using a real world estimate: Bays would be around 14 feet deep, roughly 4 meter. And we can be even more generous and say the sounding mountains can accommodate 30 feet of height. 9 meters. 9 + 4 = 14 meter height times 30km by 10km(width) = That’s 4.2 cubic kilometers, or 4.2 billion kiloliters of the 19.8 billion kiloliters in total.

uh oh. wheres the other 15.6 billion kiloliters of water gonna go?

It’s like taking a firehose, and filling up a bathtub. Yeah, the tub’s gonna catch a lot of that water, but that firehose has way, way, way, more water than that tub can hold, and when the tub can have a leak or hole on it, but the rate that that hose is going is astronomically faster than the rate the tub can expel water, so it’s just gonna overflow and water will still spill everywhere

[And this isn’t even taking into the account that Rutala Dam is SIGNIFICANTLY higher that it’s surrounding landscape, and would pour into the river with such a force that it could cause a giant tidal wave and break through the rocky boundaries of the pre-existing Rutala River causing even more water to flow into the bay]

Lanayru Bay would be occupied with a lot of water, and since the other 15.6 billion kiloliters of water can’t immediately flow into it, it’s gonna take the scenic route through Rutala River. It’s high mountains on either side basically just make it a death funnel.

Here’s how that would look:

This is the new water level for the Lanayru Wetlands. MAn they weren’t lying, those lands do be wet.

so yeah everything is submerged in between 10 to 20 meters of water and you might be thinking

“WELL KIP, I THINK THAT’S NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL! AT LEAST NO MAJOR LANDMARKS WERE DESTROYED AND NO ONE WAS HURT!”

Well, bestie, here’s the thing. This length of land is 3 zelda kilometers long. AKA 90 kilometers long. And you might recall, I said, that this, 3000 meter tall  wall of water was traveler at 100km per hour. Well the good news is, my calculations are a lot easier for this as this large stretch of flat Lanayru Wetlands land lines up perfectly with the flat areas of Yichange, (which was actually traveling at twice the speed compared to Rutala because it didn’t have Lanayru Bay to open up into)  

But the bad news is, the video is five minutes long, and this is just the first 50 seconds. This water is destined to travel 400 kilometers. That’s about half of the country of Wales, by the way. The entire length of the state of Virginia.

Here’s the rough path of the total flooding that other 16 billion kiloliters from Rutala Dam

Oh, and what’s worse is that the rivers in central Hyrule? Yeah they’re like HALF the depth of Lanayru Bay so the flooding will be even WORSE :D

So here’s the new waterlevel map!

Overtime, a lot of the water is gonna spill onto the paths through Central Hyrule, new swamplands, creeks, etc. etc. The path to the Gerudo Desert will be fin initially, as the water as slowed to the point where it won’t put immediate damage since the bridge is so high. But that new water level plus the influx of water from the River of the Dead is definetly gonna erode that over time and maybe possibly will just collapse and prevent anyone from leaving or entering the desert.

Hyrule Castle will be even more of an island, as the two islands to the left and right of it will be moslty submerged. Also the entire path through Eldin is just fucking done. Everyone in Akkala and Eldin? You’re trapped there. It’s basically a new Lake Hylia but no bridge. Sorry Robbie.

Oh, and also these rapid waters are carrying the debris of it’s destruction, whether the corpses of travelers or giant rocks that it broke off from the side of mountains. So everything is a mess, and depending on the amount of debris, it could completly alter water paths to go even more in land. The rivers are shallow enough, so just pilling in more rocks and dam metal and dirt just makes things shallower

Lake Hylia will be fine, the mini islands are gone, but as a whole, the bridge and the height of the surrounding ridges will keep the water in there. Although a lot of Necluda is basically a goner, and the bridge on either end of Dueling Peaks is totally decimated.

So what did we learn?

All of Hyrule’s economy is fucked. Every major trading path--gone. It’s basically gonna breed even more ethnocentricism, and a bunch of wildlife and sources for food are gone. And not to mention the climate, that’s gonna be fucked too as years pass. Rito and Zora will probably be the most fine? Hylians are fucked though, we destroyed like five stables and basically every river setllement there is. Oh and that influx of water is gonna fuck with the fishes so Hateno and Lurelin aren’t totally out of it either!

Gerudo? Well good thing they’re all lesbians because they sure aren’t going out to woe anybody once those stone pillars holding the bridge give way to the new water levels. Gorons will actually not even know anything’s wrong if I’m being honest. Sheikah? Well that point by Eagus Bridge and Sarhasra slope is gonna connect into a river at some point so I guess they can be a fishing village now.

Oh an RAIN I didn’t even think about that, yeah people are totally gonna die. And if Ruta CONTINUES to pump water into Hyrule (because again, this is only from an INITIAL burst of the damn. Well...

Zora’s Domain will be gone within the year. Water levels will just continue to rise, probably take on Central Hyrule first, but then after that the Gerudo Canyon. Also if flooding in Zora’s Domain REALLY continue it would probably spill over and destroy Tarrey Town. So not good all around!

But I think the main takeaway that we can all settle with is that the Flower Lady and her garden are absolutely, positively, dead.