#god I love the absurdists
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The best thing about this is it would actually *enhance* the themes of the play. Who else to best represent the idea of meaningless, inexorable fate than a literal puppet? At that point they're not even people reciting their lines toward the inevitable conclusion of the play, but vessels for someone else's recitation. I love it I want to see it immediately
Pick a live-action movie. Keep one human actor; everyone else is played by muppets.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, in two variations:
1. Keep both title roles human on the grounds that theyâre really a single composite character; Kermit the Frog is cast as the Player King for maximum meta fuckery.
2. The Player King stays human; cross-cast with Sesame Street and make the title roles Bert and Ernie.
#Bert: There must have been a moment at the beginning where we could have said - no. But somehow we missed it#Gonzo is Hamlet right#Gonzo: When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw...#god I love the absurdists#reading tag
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Loosen Your Grip. | R & D
logline; even when it seems counter-intuitive.
[!!!] series history; so many parts, so many words.
Spotify Playlist, if you like to listen while you read. I listen to it when I write :) Constantly gettinâ added to. 8 hour mark officially! Lets go!
portion; 15k knowing the next chapters, this trend isn't going to change. they have started to line up with the chapter number, to my chagrin.
possible allergies; i think this one is relatively harmless? Stress though. Everyone's stressed. Idk what to tell you man, it's the bear. oh but more things were yoinked from Season 3!! Think that's just gonna be ongoing tbh. also if this is bad don't tell me. tell me it's really good, actually. i've never doubted a chapter more than I do this one.
pairing; Carmen âCarmyâ Berzatto & Fem Reader it's so fem. it's so she/her'd it's so girl'd i'm so sorry
kofi; if youâve enjoyed the series, perhaps you wanna tip!
i'm so sorry for the delays beloveds, can you say 'most high stress but high reward month and a half of my life'? i can!!!
The Monday morning after New Yorkâ The first morning waking up in your own bed in a day or twoâ Comes rudely. Well, not immediately. First you have to roll over and grab aimlessly at your nightstand, searching for your phone to turn off your alarm. Through blurred vision you slide it to snooze, and as you debate going back to bed, your eyes glaze over some texts youâve received in your sleep, from numbers you never bothered to put in your contacts. It takes a minute to absorb the information and register it as real, but once you doâ
â...Are you fucking kidding me?!âÂ
âYouâre definitely not gonna be heading back to bed anymore. Youâre wide-eyed and wiredâ You can probably skip coffee this morning. Maybe every morning forever.
âOhâ I fucking hate this fucking city, I fucking hate Chicagoâ Fuck this!âÂ
In lieu of coming to terms with your world shattering news, perhaps this is an important moment to express gratitude, for the things that have gone well in the past few days.Â
The rest of the weekend in New York was as lovely as a last-minute trip in a cramped car full of kitchen equipment and four neurotics can be.
Gratitude. Highlight reel?
Thereâs a bag M and Ms monogrammed with Sydâs, Richieâs, Carmyâs, and your faces in your pantry now. Eva shouldnât be the only one allowed to have fun. Though snacking on all your cute little faces does make you feel like a slight monster.
Managed to get a good gift for Richie. Thank you Tiffanys. It was certainly an interesting moment when everyone tried to come up with lame excuses as to why they had to split up from the group to definitely totally not go get Christmas presents.
 Carmenâs knife guy wasnât able to do engravings on such short notice, and youâre not the type to settle for less, especially not with Syd, so thatâll be a next year gift, it seems. You came up with a serviceable back-up while strolling through the METâ Which was a mostly fun field trip, it was very inspiring. You all could've done without Richie's pretentious prattling about postmodern absurdist dadaism. Mostly because you're pretty sure half of it was wrong; but still a good trip, all told.
Still lost on what to get Carmen⌠Youâve got a week, itâs fine. Youâve done more with less before. How do you subtly ask a guy, âhey, what the hell else do you like besides your job?â Youâll figure it out. Figure it out like you figure out everything else, like you always do. Hopefully.
It's Monday. You've got a week. It's fine. Stop looking at your phone. This is such bad timing. This is awful fucking timing. Youâll figure it out. Stop looking at your phone, stop looking at the texts. Do the Connections, send it to Carmy, he already sent his, be normal⌠Just such bad timingâ
At the very least if you can't bear to look away from the life ruining texts, just shut your phone off. Youâve got to stop ruminating or youâll rot in bed forever. And you really have to get out on time, today.Â
âGod wants me to kill myselfââ Gratitude. Express gratitude.
The drive back went âwellâ. Everyone had their licenses so the squad took shifts either driving or sitting on the uncomfortable console. Or, in your case specifically, sitting half on Carmenâs lap in shotgun on occasion despite the many complaints from Syd and Richie. You had a good excuse! Neither of you slept for the entire trip just to work on the cocktail and coffee menu. It was practically a sacrifice! It was just easier to sit up front together, okay!? You had to be close, you were scribbling ratios and drawings of glasses into a stolen notepad from the Holiday Inn with pencil crayons bought from FAO Schwarzâ
Oh, hey, put that on the gratitude scoreboard, that was another thing that went well. Pretty cool to go to the oldest toy store in America. Might not have gotten the chef in your life anything yet, but the kids in your life are coveredâ Youâre winning best Aunt for sure.
Oh, huge highlightâ Didnât say love you, like some idiot. Got away with that by the skin of your teeth, honestly. Hard to stare up at the Rockefeller Christmas Tree next to the guy and not blurt out something fucking stupid. Thank God for Syd, who stomped on your foot when you seemed a little too doe eyed.
With great pain and bemoaning, you finish expressing gratitude, which hasnât helped much. You slam your phone screen down on your nightstand and roll out of bed.Â
Todayâs Monday. Todayâs your first day at The Bear. Today that is the priority and there is nothing else to worry about.
You signed your contract last night. Talked to Syd for hours about it, planning next steps and goals and classes and budgets and a million other things. Youâre both a little easily excitable, when it comes to lists and plans. Watching you sign yours gave her the âconfidenceâ to sign hers, if you can call it that. Not like you knew she needed the help, though.
âI love my life, I love my life, I love my lifeâŚâ If you keep saying it while washing your face in the bathroom, itâll become true, right? âŚWhereâs Saraâs card again?
The Bear doesnât run service on Mondays, so itâs a good day to do onboardingâ Good day to do R and D. âŚWhat does one wear to R and D? Donât need the serving uniform. Donât need to dress up. Donât need the jumpsuit⌠This is the first time you donât need a uniform and that is bizarre.
Youâll wear your dadâs flannel, at least. Feels illegal to not wear the patch worked flannel. But besides that, youâre just a normal⌠restaurateur⌠part of the teamâŚ
Your hand hovers over where your necklace sits, in the small jewellery box on your vanity. âMikey, if you want me to keep wearing it, make my ceiling cave in or some shit.â
You give it ten seconds and nothing falls. With a curt nod to no one, you pick up your book bag filled with loose tools and the menu filled notepad. Leave your bedroom, put your shoes on, grab your keys out of your clay dish tray on the way out.
Itâs snowing.
Thatâs a lot of stuff falling, so to speak.
Thatâs basically a sign. Thatâs basically what you asked for.
You head back in, grab the necklace, hook it over your neck, and tuck it under your shirt. Baby steps. You head back out.
âŚAnd then soon after, head back inâ Forgetting one of the most important things you need today. âThe fucking glass, goddamn it!â
Thereâs a chance that today might be a little bit of an off day for you. No oneâs gonna notice that, though.
âMikey, why didnât you tell me? You want me to look stupid on my start day, don't you? Fucker.â
Youâre good. Youâre you. You figure shit out. Youâre compartmentalising perfectly and no oneâs gonna be able to tell that youâre internally scrambling to figure out where you're gonna live once your lease gets terminated.
â âSup with you?â Okay, so Tina did immediately notice upon opening the back door for you. She tries to help you with the huge sheet of plexiglass youâre carrying, but you wave her off, stumbling further inside The Bear. Thankfully itâs a slow start to the morning, so the walk way is clear for your fumbled steps.
âI got it, T, just spot meââ
âWoahwoahwoahââ But alas, immediately Carmen is rushing over, making a big deal over nothing, âFuck are you doin?â And grabs the thick sheet of glass from you. âWait by your car next time, why do I gotta keep tellinâ you?â
âI am very capableââ You grunt, but youâre relieved when he takes the weight off you. You nod to the table in front of expo. âPut it on the island.â
âWhatâs it for?â Carmy asks but he follows direction without hesitation.
âSydâs idea.â You walk with him, sidling up to Syd whoâs already stationed up on the island with what looks like way too much paperwork for Chefs. You bump her shoulder as a greeting, she bumps you back. She lifts up the stack of papers and you pick up her deli container of Coke and ice, letting Carmen slide the glass onto the table.
âUnless itâs badââ You correct, putting the cup down and digging through the tool bag on your shoulder for the right parts. âIf you hate it, then itâs my idea.â
Syd snorts next to you, putting the papers back down on top of the glass. âNice save.â
âWhatâs your idea, Chef?â Carmen taps his fingers against the glass, bemused.
You finally fish out two lock hinges from your bag, gesturing to them with a little flair like youâre Vanna White as Sydney explains. âFor R and D. Thought since weâre likeâ Constantly changing shit and needing to review, itâd be like, useful to have a whiteboardâ But those are huge and inconvenient for a restaurantâ Duhâ Soââ
âGlass!â You come in with the assist as she rambles on. âOn hingesâ These oneâs lock so you can have the glass sort of tilted up like an easel, or on the stationâ And then when you start service you can just flip it down off the counter for the night. Easy!â
âAndâAndââ Like a TV ad, Syd points out, âWe can put paper under it and still be able to seeâ So itâll make editing clearerâ I-I think.â
Carmen always takes a nerve-wracking amount of time to think through otherâs ideas, but once he nods, you both breathe easy. âSmart idea. Thank you, Chefs.â
You just smile, and this seems to bother Carm. Or at the very least, something is bothering him, as he frowns. âYou got a second?â
Your brows furrow, for a moment, worried. You nod, putting your tools down. Glass can wait. âAlways.â
Carmen comes around the counter, before he pulls you aside, Syd whispers over your shoulder, âTrouble in paradise.â Making you snort. When has it ever been paradise?
The two of you lean across from each other in the doorway of Carmenâs office, not quite in, not quite out. He looks worried, and his worrying is making you worry. Heâs first to say something, concerned hand on your shoulder.
âAre you good?â
Fuck, he caught you too? âHmm? Yeah, Iâm good, do I notââ
Youâre halfway through your response when he interrupts, he seems even more panicked by your words. His hand abandons your shoulder. âRightâ Stupid, stupid fucking questionâ I justâ Sorryââ
âWoahââ You grip both his shoulders, rubbing down his sleeves lightly. âAre you good, Carmy? Youâre right, sweets. You caught me. Iâm a lilâ off today. What gave me away?â
âRight, yesâ Youâre nice.â Heâs saying it more to himself than you, like he needs to remind himself. Even so, it still hitches your heartbeat. âIâ Iâm good, I was justâYou didnât text me back this morning.â
âOh.â You say it so breathlessly, with relief. Itâs cute that thatâs whatâs got him freaking. âSorry, yeah, Iâve been trying to not look at my phone, I just got someâŚâ You shake your hand in the air for effect. âBleh news. Put a wrench in some things for me, thatâs all.â
âYeah? Whatâs up?â
âAhââ You shake your head, waving it off, âToo much to get into. Later, though?â
âYeah, yeah. Whenever you want.â He nods. âAh, I wanna get into uhmââ Carmen snaps his fingers a few times, finding the words. âGet into drinks, today. I made all the concentrates and syrups ahead of timeâBut Uncles gonna come in first with The Computer to go over some numbers shitâ Should be here in thirty?â
You nod, squinting. âIs it like⌠A special computer or something?â
âComputer is a guy.â Carmen says, while Syd yells the same in tandem with him, âWhy wouldnât he be!?â Walking past you both as she carries produce out of the walk-in.
âWhy wouldnât he be?â You grin, reiterating. Your smile soon sobers though, as you finally notice a giant silver blob of machinery behind Carmen. âBaby, what the fuck is that?âÂ
Youâre already walking past him, quickly winding up all over again. Itâs a gorgeous espresso machineâ âItâs an Ascaso.â Explains Carmen. âItâs the best.â And itâs sitting exactly where your beautiful beat up mistake of a heavily-stained coffee machine used to be.Â
âBaby, baby, babyââ youâre looking above and below the station for your rusted companion, hushed and panicked. âDonât tell me you threw away the old oneââÂ
âYou want the old one?â
Richieâs timing is perfect, as he walks in from front of house, and even from just hearing the last sentence, âFuckinâ told you, Carm.â He knows the context. He keeps walkingâ On a mission, seemingly.
âIâm gratefulâ I- I am.â You kneel down and shove some mixing bowls aside to see if it was tucked in the back of some shelfâ Itâs not here. Sheâs not here. âNew is goodâ New is niceâ Iâll learn how to use the new oneâ I willâ Butâ Iâ I need the old oneâ You didnât throw it away, did you?âÂ
When he stays silent, you turn and look up to Carmen from where youâre crouched on the ground, pleading. âTell me you didnât.â
âIâ Iââ The Chef is nearly sweating from this line of questioning alone. âItâ It barely workedââ
âI know it didnât! Thatâs the point!â
He blinks. You just seem to be saying all his trigger phrases, today, huh? âThatâs the point?â
âI knew how she worked.â You push yourself back up onto your feet. âItâs got an espresso function that doesnât work, if you tamp the basket the basket literally breaks off so you have to hold it and burn your hand a littleâ You have to hold the hot water button at the same time as the grind button for some reason or it wonât dispenseâ Itâs literally a fucking nightmareâ I covered it in like ten sticky notes of instructions at one point and they became pointless because no one but me was willing to use it. Andâ And Iâve got it memorized.â
â...And you want that?â
âNo oneâs gonna know how to take care of her, sheâs my baby!â You gesture, albeit a bit too dramatically, speaking with your hands. âIf you throw her away or donate her, no oneâs gonna take the time to figure it outâ Theyâre just gonna think sheâs broken but sheâs not, she works! She just needs the right hand!â
A dull silence falls between you, as Carmen purses his lips, squinting. Thereâs an ever slight chance your âIâm totally fineâ facade is cracking. â...Are you sure you donât want to talk about your thing rightââÂ
âIâm good!â â...Okay.â âDid you get rid of her?â
âRelax, Handy!â Carmen does not say this.Â
You grimace, looking behind Carmen to see Chi-Chi yelling from around the bend, in The Beefâs corner territory. Looking over him with the blue apron calling you your least favourite nickname by farâ Well, second least favourite, only toâ âSheâs over here, Jack-Off. More our speed than rich boyâs ack - queso bullshitâŚâ Itâs nostalgic. Bad nostalgic but nostalgic.Â
He slaps the top of the machine, you and Carmen both wince as a random spigot falls off it. Chi-Chi clicks his tongue, staring at it in silence. â...Refresher would be good, though.â
Youâre already walking back to your damaged darling, patting Carmen on the shoulder as a form of goodbye, he pats your hand back. You donât get to see him smile, as he watches you get to work. âDonât fuckinâ call me Jack-Off and donât touch her, Iâll show you, Iâll break your hand Cheech, I swearââ
The man in question shrugs, a devilish and terrible smirk on his stupid face. âEy, love a woman in charge. Show me the ways.âÂ
Even on your most off days, working with The Beef will always be second nature for you. Even when the space is significantly more cramped than it used to be.Â
You rewrite directions on how to use the coffee machine while showing them to Ebra and Chi-Chi. Ebra tends not to learn new tricks, so he stops listening by the time you get to syrups. Thatâs fine. No one ordered syrups in their coffee at The Beef back in the day all that often either.
Mikey really shouldnât have invested in all those syrups back then. He really only did it for you and the staff. To be fair, when he did convince regulars to try your coffee they always changed their tune. The people donât know what they like yet. They will like this. You were his proof that that idea was true.
âYou gotta toss these, Boss. Slows you down.â You overhear Cheech saying behind you. You turn to see his arm on Ebraâs shoulder, holding the small blue baskets for sandwiches in his other hand. âJust the wrapping is fine. These people are gonna throw this shit out anyways, waste of plastic.â
Cheech turns his head to you, âRight, Handy?â
â...Donât call me Handy.â Donât freak out about throwing the old stuff away. Donât freak out about throwing his old stuff away. You shrug, looking at Ebra over your shoulder. âMaybe just offer them, if they ask for one?â
âYâknow what the people are asking for, babe?â Cheech sucks his teeth, pulling Ebra closer, who looks nonplussed. âTheyâre asking where the nearest brick is to throw through our window. This rich people shit is getting on their nerves.â
You sigh, eyes flitting to Ebra for confirmation. âYeah?â
He shrugs, nodding. âNinety-eight percent, Jack-Off.â Cheech and the gang have been a terrible influence. How are you going to undo this?
âCâmon, EâŚâ You scoff, but nod as you turn around, arms crossed. Gesturing with the frother as you do. âWell, Iâll make note of that. Now back to the fuckinâ hand frother, Cheech?â
âI know how to crank it, Handyââ âI swear to fucking Godââ
âEy!â Tina comes up to your corner, smacking the back of Chi-Chiâs head with a hand towel when she does. âDonât talk to the baby like that, clean your mouth.â
He puts one hand on the back of his head, hissing, and another up in front of him, in defense. âEy, T, itâs all love, aright? Playing!â
âYeah well, youâre not gonna wanna play witâ this one. âSpecially not nowââ She nudges you, smiling that coy âIâm about to blow up your spotâ smile.
You grimace, attempting to interrupt her. âT, donâtââ âThat sheâs Jeffâs.â ââGoddamnit.â
âOh! Oh shit!â Cheech laughs, delightfully shocked. âYou finally closed on Charminâ? Congratsââ Itâs a blessing and a curse that Carmen, the guy you only ever saw in photos and heard in stories that you had a very minor and not vocal crush on, is now your⌠boyfriend? Undetermined.
You wave a hand in his face, âShut the fuck upââ
âSo where should I send flowers?â
You hate this family. âFor the record, I have not closed shit.â
âWhatâs closing?â Tina takes a half step back, surveying your face, it doesnât reveal anything. âWhatâs that? Gramps?â She turns her question on Ebra, who shrugs, equally as old and unknowing.Â
âWell Jack-Offâs a little Mother Mary for my tasteââ
You scoff, âSo not true, for the recordââ but Chi-Chi continues his tirade. âSo I suspect she just means they haven't had the âare we datey-wating carmy baby?â talk.â
You all but growl, crossing your arms as you wait for the second tutorial coffee to finish dispensing from the beloved whirring machine behind you. You can get the fuck out of here as soon as itâs done, and youâre praying thatâs soon, because this interrogation is about to turn terrible. âWe are currently unlabelled, if thatâs what youâre trying to say.â
Tina kisses her teeth, poking at your shoulder. âRichie told me you spent the whole wedding together and you come back with no label?â
You sigh, composure falling apart. You are not ready for a motherâs disappointment. âWe talked out a lot of important stuffââ âMija, that is important stuff!â
âI justâ Weâll talk eventuallyââÂ
Chi-Chi conveniently interrupts you when it looks like Tinaâs about to go off into a full rant on the downfall of romance in modern relationships. âSo youâre still on the market, Handy?â
âFor you?â You smile, then drop it. Pushing your hand against his forehead. âNever. Now froth the fucking milk.â
He mumbles an endless series of expletives, but gets to work. You give him a quick tutorial on the hand frotherâ You fought hard for the old machine, but you are overjoyed to see an automated steamer and frother on that Ascaso. That part is gonna be a dream. You can make so many new drinks for Carmâ The menu.Â
When you finish, you take the latte from Cheech to hand to Tina; and when you do, you catch her looking⌠off. Sheâs staring at the piled up diner baskets, next to the unused napkin dispensers.Â
You put your hand on her shoulder, massaging it lightly. âYou good, T?â
Your hand shocks her back into reality, âYeah, yeah, Iâm good, baby.â It takes her a second to remember where she is. She takes the latte, nodding. âIâm good. You good?â
âIâve got my complaints.â You shrug. âBut nothing I wonât survive.â Probably.
Tina takes a sip of her coffee, continuing to nod. She wants to dig deeper into your thing, you want to dig deeper into hers, but the painful groaning from the front of the kitchen, âAnd when did I fuckinâ greenlight this?â interrupts both your trains of thought. Uncle Jimmy tends to have that effect.
With a knowing nod, you walk together to the front, leaving Ebra and Cheech to continue experimenting with the coffee machine before they open their side of the restaurant.Â
You watch from the sidelines as Carmen defends his choices, âThe old one was shit, she was burning her hands on it. Sheâll need the three groups to keep up.â and youâre able to quickly glean theyâre talking about the new espresso machine.
âOkay, I hear that,��� Jimmy nods, âbut why the fuck did it need to be ten grand?â
âTen?!â You canât help but shout, you slap your hand over your mouth. Budget is none of your business. But fucking ten? You part your fingers to mumble through your hand, âSorry, continue.â
Carmen cares too much about your drink menu. Berzattos tend to invest too much into your special interests. Though this time, instead of syrups, and in addition to a 10k coffee machine, you see on the stainless steel table your shared sketches laid out alongside all the ingredients neededâ Including the concentrates, whips, and other compounds Carmen made ahead of time for you. Heâs so sweet. God, you love him. God, thatâs disgusting. They have all, of course, been haphazardly shoved aside though, to make room for The Computerâsâ Computer. Carmyâs nonplussed by that fact, it seems.
Jimmy gestures to you, deadpanning to Carm. âSee, Chip understands the power of the dollar.â
âIâm not involved.â You add, waving your hand, itâs a terrible moment for your favouritism to shine through. Though you do enter the radius of this trainwreck of a quarterly review, kneeling down by the kitchen island to finish what you started with the plexiglass and hinges. âIgnore me, continue.â
The men stand on either side of you, as you bolt down the hinges. Carmen brushes off the dollar comment with a simple, âItâs the best.â
Why do you need the best? You think; Jimmy concurs with your brain, speaking for both of you. âWhy do you need the best?â
The question seems to make no sense to Carmen. He freezes, blue-screening. âCauseââ
You duck your head under the counter at just the right momentâ Or just the wrong moment? Because you donât get to see Carmen looking down at you, then back up at his uncle. âBecause.âÂ
You donât see Uncle Jimmy practically roll not just his eyes but his entire body back into himself, witnessing the puppy love that is going to ruin his credit score. âChipâŚâ
When you slide yourself out from under the counter, Carmen puts his hand on the edge of the counter to make sure you donât hit your headâ Because you have an awful tendency to do so. Youâre too focused on the way Uncle Jimmy says your name like youâre in trouble to notice though. âWhatâd I do?âÂ
âYouâre you.â Jimmy grimaces, shaking his head. Itâs not your fault. Not completely. âF-Y-Iâ Your boss just cut your bar budget by ten grand.â
âHm.â You squint, lips in a line. âAnd what do I do if the budget I was planning was just ten grand?â
âWell respect yourself more than that.â Cicero scoffs, arms crossed. âTake twenty, now youâre back to ten. Youâre welcome.â
âGenerosity knows no bounds.â You shake your head, laughing him off as you duck your head back under the counter. âThank you, Unc.â
âSorry, who exactly are we giving twenty thousand?âÂ
âOh fuckââ Despite Carmenâs best efforts, you still manage to bump your head on the roof of the counter, alarmed by the new voiceâ The Computer, you assume. âFuckinâOwâ Sorry! Yâknow what, holâ on, let me just finish up hereââ
âItâs the drink budget. Tonyâs the new mixologist.â Natalie answers for you. âAnd sommelier.â
âAh,â hums The Computer. âSheâs the one weâre paying Quarter-Master for?â
âNah, thatâs me.â Gary strolls by, calling out to wherever his manager has gone, âRichie, you find that book yet?!â
âIâm taking them too!â You finally pop your head out from underneath the counter, finished bolting in the hinges. âApparently I need actual W-S-E-T certification and a bunch of memorized google searches, youtube videos, and wine review blogs do not legally make you a sommelier.â
âI think itâs impressive you made it this far on basically nothing.â Syd taps the top of your head, sheâs the one who made the call on schooling. She looks to her co-owner. âClasses are coming out of the advanced.â
âSo is this.â You tap the plexiglass, nodding up to Carmen as well. âYouâre workinâ with like⌠A thousand left for pre-paid work?â
âHm.â Carmen nods, looking at The Computer, and you turn your head to him too. âDid you account for that?â
âDid I account for a thousand dollars?â
Carmen shakes his head like a white flag immediately, hearing the sarcastic tone, âAlright, you donâtââ
âA thousand dollars does not take you out of the hole, man.â Heâs right, but you donât love the tone. He tilts his head, reading something off his screen. âPayroll is a little high, for a somme.â
âI donât disagreeââ You try to say, because yeah, your contract does have a weirdly high salary.
But Jimmy, Nat, and Carm all speak over you. âItâs not.â
âThatâs not pay for a somme, thatâs a pay for Chip, you donât need to enhance on that.â Jimmy deads the topic then and there. âYouâll see. Just trust me. You were sayinâ somethin about tiny plants?â
âMicrogreens.â Says Syd.Â
âYes. Do less of that.â
And you just watch, from the sidelines, as this crew flows into a bit of a repetitive weâre doing this, which gains the response, well stop. Do less, charge more, figure it out, duh, donât duhâ Whatâs that youâre hearing about a daily changing menu? Carmen seems to be the only one campaigning for it. At a point he just starts pacing, pointing at numbers on The Computerâs screen that he doesnât understand but pretends he does.
Youâve got a million ideas, but itâs none of your business. It very literally isnât your business, until Jimmy turns his head just so, grimacing at the non stop debate, to see you standing aside, arms crossed.
He sighs, beckoning you to the table, like itâs a witness stand. âWhatâs that fuckinâ face on your face, kid?â Oh, for the love of God, why are you so easy to read?
You pfft, shrugging. âIâm not makinâ a faceâ!â But you come forward nonetheless as he boldly speaks over you.Â
âYouâre makinâ a face,â â âThis is just what I look like,â â âYâknow how I know youâre makinâ a face?â â âEnlighten me.â â âCause itâs the same fuckinâ faceââ
He takes this moment to point at the face on your face. âThat your dad makes.â A man that gambles as well as Cicero is a man that knows your dadâs tells. And a man that knows your dadâs tells is a man that knows your tells.Â
You bite down on your inner cheek, poorly pretending to be confused, shrugging again, âI dunno what youâre talking about.â
âCome off it.â âIâm not on anything, Uncââ âYouâve got a problem, say it.âÂ
âI donât have a problem!â You have a lot of problems, but they canât know that. That makes you judgy and pushyâ You donât know enough about the business to have an opinion. âIâm just observing, thatâs all.â
Uncle looks up, to Heaven, to Mikey, and sighs the worldâs heaviest sigh. It sounds painful. When he finally tilts his head back down to you, itâs to say, âC-K.â
âCicero.â
âYâknow why Iâm able to pour mas queso into this fuckinâ kid?â He loosely gestures in the direction of Carmen, who in response seems to bite down a lot of venom. Itâs bad to think heâs pretty when heâs annoyed, isnât it?
You tilt your head, âHonestly, I always assumed some sort of mob association.â
Jimmy holds back his laughter, it comes out as a disgruntled cough. He shrugs. âItâs because when I saw your dad at the table, makinââ âHe gestures to youâ âThat fuckinâ face, I knew to pull back.â
âYou donât need to pull back.â Your reply is a touch too panicked and instant for anyoneâs liking, makes it a little less believable. But Cicero smirks, and you know that face as well as he knows yours. Check. Heâs got you.Â
âThen speak on it.â And he pushes you forward, just slightly, like a slap of support on your back. You grimace, looking to Carm and Syd for permission to have opinions, and they both nod, like itâs obvious. With great hesitation, lips pressed together, you finally allow yourself to come off as judgy, opinionated, a fixer.Â
âI think the chargers are kinda stupid.â
A plate no one eats off of, that they still have to clean, thatâs on top of another plate? Definitely super necessary. Definitely not some rich people NOMA bullshit.
You look to Syd, apologetic. She shrugs, open mouthed, head tilted, âIâ I mean, I didnât invent them.âÂ
âItâs presentation.â Carmen nods, to himself. He doesnât like to budge. âThat first look at the table affects everything.â
âYes.â You nod, directly across the counter from him. âI agree, I just think the plates are stupid.âÂ
âYou got somethinâ better?��
âThink so.â You hum, tilting your body back to yell to the back of the restaurant. âAy, Cheech! Pass me a fuckinâ basket!âÂ
Itâs without hesitation that you hear, âHut!â before even seeing the man. You see the blue basket being hurled towards you before you see the man. You catch it, albeit a bit clumsy, but you catch it.Â
You toss the basket on the table. Everyone stares. You defend yourself before anyone even criticizes it, âEasier to clean than plates, because you just need to rinse the plastic. Ties together a colour scheme, costs nothing, theyâre gonna be tossed anyways.â
âIt looks cheap.â Carmen tuts, but he really does seem to be trying to hear out the idea, despite his reservations.Â
âIt looks purposeful.â You double down, leaning on the counter just so, âIt carries a story, that we didnât forget where we started.â
âOoh.â Marcus, clocking in just in time, hums behind you. âKind of a bar, Chef.â
âThank you, Chef. Morning, Chef.â You fist bump him over your shoulder, not looking. Too focused on convincing the man before you, you let him think in silence for some time before asking. âThink on it?â
âNo.â Carmen shakes his head, and youâre a little crestfallen, for a second. âItâs good. Letâs do the baskets, yeahââ He then remembers to ask for permission, he turns his head to Syd, âYeah?â
âYeah? Oh, uh. Yeah. Yeah. Baskets are good.â Syd nods to Nat. âCan you look into, uhââ
âReturning the expensive as fuck earthenware shit? Happily.â Nat is far too cheery upon receiving a paperwork rabbit hole of a mission. She brushes past you, excitedly whispering, âPlease keep going.â
âOh, uhââ Are you some sort of thought leader now? âWell, uhm, I think I heard you sayinââ âYou snap your fingers at The Computer, âThat R and D cost is a little high?â
âA lot high.â He corrects.
âKid with crayons.â Jimmy tuts, âNeed to pull back a little.â
Carmenâs screwing and unscrewing the cap of a mason jarâ Marmalade, itâs for Sydâs drink. He made it this morning, itâs labelled down to the minute. Just let him work on his fucking drinks menu, please God. Heâs been dying for this moment and itâs being thrown off by this bullshit.Â
He canât keep biting his tongue, âHey, uh, why donât you just tell us to do everything a little bit less so we can skip this and get back to work, huh?â
You hear Uncle Jimmy inhale as preparation to verbally beat Carmenâs ass. You put one hand up in front of the old manâs face, the other hand grabs a dry-erase marker. âHe didnât mean it like that and he apologizes, Unc.â
âDoes he now?â
âHe does.â You drop your hand, focusing on lifting the glass panel, clicking the locks in place to keep it up. You nod to Carmen through the pane. âRight, Carmy?â
Poor Carmen nearly deflates, â...Iâm tryna be the guy.âÂ
âNot what the guy does, baby boy.â You hum, uncapping the marker with your teeth. You turn your head to Cicero. âGuy had a lapse, he forgot you were his boss and just thought of you as family, so he spoke to you like family, cause he loves you, Unc.â
Cicero nods, tilting his head just so at Carmen. âSâthat right?â
Carm manages to shake his head and nod all at the same time, âSâa facet.âÂ
â....Well, just donât do it again.â A crisis is averted and an uncle is softened.Â
âI love to see a family come together.â You hum, nonchalant, writing on the glass, âR & D - Cost: Badâ
âBring it from bad to good.â The Computer notes very helpfully. âYou can cutââ
âHolâ on.â You put your index finger up, effectively shushing him, âJust think about it first. We donât have to go straight to cutting. Letâs look at our options.â
âYour options are fucked.â
âJustââ You tut, rubbing the bridge of your nose, man, you really are becoming your dad right now. Loosen your grip, Jack. âWiden the scope. We cut costs through returning those chargersâ How else can we âreturnâ shit? Carmy?â
Thank God youâre the guy, because Carm canât hack it. âHeard? Yes?â And frankly, he doesnât want to.
âWhatâs the main cost on R and D?â
âSupplies. Foodâ Yâknow, lot of trial and error.â He nods to a bus tub filled with failed attempts over this morningâs session. But you like that, right? âTrying new things, yâknow?â
â...Carmen.â He doesnât answer, because he can hear heâs in trouble. He is staring at you stare at the tub in what seems like a sort of contemplative, serene, searing anger. âSweetheart, are those four wagyu filets in a fuckinâ bus tub?â
âYes, itâs got a blood orange reduction, butâ But Syd suggested mintââÂ
You donât let him finish, âIs it poison?â
âItâs not.â âItâs edible?â âIt is.â âOkay, so then, babydoll, why is it not being eaten?â
Syd winces from the sidelines, hissing under her breath, fist over her mouth. Carmen cannot help but notice. Youâre perhaps⌠a dash upset.
âWe canât eat everything.â âDid you offer it to the crew?â âYeahââ âYou offered it to Nat, Unc, Cheechâ All the servers? Or did you just offer it to the cooks?â â...Heard.â âDid you take a bite of all of these?â âNot all.â
You start writing on the glass again, explaining as you do, âOkay. So then uneaten food from R and D should be sold on one of those fuckinâ food waste appsâ Too Good to Go, or somethinâ. We advertise it to The Beef regulars, try to get the other side of our city to understand the finer things, prevent any brick through window incidents, how we feel âbout that?â
You remember small things far too well. You did make note of the rich people shit getting on The Beef customers' nerves. You make note of the people who live on your block, who cannot afford to eat here. You make note of the fact that Carmen resents subtracting with a passion now, so you find another way. He can still try new things, just needs to handle the results better.Â
â...You keep a binder or somethin?â Is all Carmen can think to ask.Â
âSteel trap memory.â You tap the cap of the marker to your head, âGood though?â
He nods, âGood.â
âGood.â You take a breath, dragging a hand down your face, practically coming out of a fugue state. Carmen knows your need to have something to do, just as much as him, so he slides the jar of fig marmalade to you from across the table. You take it happily, unscrewing the lid. Youâve also been dying to get to this menu.
But Richie comes up from behind, scratch and sniff wine book in handâ Didnât Mikey get you that? It was meant to be a gag gift but itâs actually quite useful. âChip, can you also tell Chef Carmen the daily menu fuckinâ sucks?â
âRe-lax.â You sigh, pulling over all the ingredients and tools you need for Sydâs drink. âSyd told me âbout this though, daily pre fixe, or whatever itâs called?â
âItâsââ Carmen crosses his arms over himself, immediately defensive but trying his best not to be. âItâs an idea Iâm floating, for nowâ Itâs what the best restaurants do, andâ And even if we donât have full intent on getting a star, right now, itâs still important.â
âI just thinkâŚâ You hum, trying to figure out the most delicate way to say it. âIt doesnât exactly give you the most room to collaborate or createââ
âThe whole point of it is to collaborate and createââ
âOh yes,â âAs if waiting in the wings for this, Richie pops out behind you again, âWhat wasssit? âVibrant Collaborationâ and âConstantly Evolve Through Eating My Own Head like a fucking ouroborosâ.â
âRelax.â You hiss this time, putting a hand up in front of Richie. You can speak for yourself. âYou donât have time to be creative or collaborate when youâve gotta make decisions in less than twelve hours.â
Carmen tries to defend, he gestures to the one good plate of wagyu with mint that came out of this morning, âBut theââ
You nod and hum, knowingly. The sweet sound stops him. You already know the answer, but you ask anyway, as you scoop fig marmalade into your cocktail shaker. âDid you get to try the pop rocks thing yet?â
âWell, no, itâs not viable to perfect that in suchââ
âA short amount of time, angel?â
âOoohâŚâ Richie mimics Sydâs movements, air whistling between his teeth as he takes a sharp breath. He gestures, standing behind you, staring at Carmen as he slides his thumb across his neck. He mouths, âMad mad.â
Carmenâs two closest friends are freaking him the fuck out and one of them wasnât even doing it on purpose. How do they know that? How can they tell that? Are you gonna break up with him? Are you even dating? This work together thing was a terrible ideaâ
âYou donât have time to be thoughtful about things, if you do an entire menu every day, youâre gonna have to cut corners on what youâre willing to experiment with.â You reword, more productive, better for his brain. âPlus, prix fixe is a fuckinâ InâIn my opinion, is sort of a lacking idea, maybe, for a new restaurant.â
Carmenâs willing to give up the daily rotation, heâs not so willing to give up the pre fixe. âItâs what the best restaurants do.â Carmen loves the word best, huh?
âHave those restaurantsââ You bite your tongue from what was going to be an immediate catty response.
You try again, measuring out orange liqueur and lemon juice as you do so. âYouâre thinking like a Chef and you need to think like a customerâ A- A guest, for a second.â
Carmen gives you the floor, mostly because he cannot compute the command. You continue, âLetâs do a little roleplay, alright? Letâs say weâre just average people, not workinâ at The Bear, and weâre goinâ on a date.â
âWhen?â â...When?â âWhen is the date?â âNo, Iâmâ Itâsâ This is hypothetical.â âYeah but in the hypothetical.â
You shrug, clicking tongs together as you grab large chunks of ice for your shaker. âI dunno, Friday nights? We have like a Friday night date night.â
âOh, so youâre doing good.â Richie hums, proud of this hypothetical you, âWeekly date night is a cornerstone.âÂ
âMoving on.â You elbow Rich behind you, shaker sloshing in hand, âIâm not a foodie, you areâ In this hypothetical. Youâre looking around at restaurants in the area for the date, you find The Bearâ You find through their website with an improper hyperlink that the menu is,â âYou list off on your free handâ âprix fixe, unavailable online, and changes daily so you canât go off of reviews either. Also, itâs a new place, so you canât really ask around for opinions.âÂ
âRight.â Carmen nods, as does Syd. Uncle Jimmyâs got that stupid smirk he gets when he sees his kids fall in line. You pour the ouzo over the ice, focus on the drink, not Carmâs mopey expression.Â
âSo, we probably wouldnât go, right?â
Carmen keeps nodding, eyes downcastâ Not upset, just canât take feedback without keeping his head down. âProbâly not, yeah.âÂ
You pound the shaker shut, shaking it lightly in one hand as you try as hard as you can to sweetly explain. âPeople are open to like, two surprises on an outing. New place, new foodâ But they will need a set menu and they will need to have it available beforehandâ And theyâll need to be able to choose.â
He looks like a cat in the rain, so you add, âBut. Maybe we can do a daily special? Or weekly, depending on burnout, but like, yâknow, a semi-frequent one new thing. And maybe on like, Valentines or some holidays we do a fresh prix fixe. Thatâs how some of the best places do it.â
Carmenâs eyes upturn, smiling with them, at that last part. âYou do keep a binder.â
âSyd does. I just pay attention.â You shake your head. âShe mumbled about it all night when we got back.âÂ
Adamu is immediately aghast, she shouldâve realized ages ago, you were practically quoting her. âYou said you couldnât hear me!â
âNo, I said you werenât bothering me, and you werenât.â You canât hide your smile as you break the seal on the shaker. Syd sucks at sharing her ideas, but youâre happy to act as a good mouth for her good brain. âHand me a lowball.âÂ
With a grumble, Syd walks off in search of the lowball; while everyone does seem to agree this is best practice, Carmen does still seem a little sore about it.
âItâd probably also serve us well to do a seasonally rotating menu, right?â And so you throw him a bone. âLike Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall? Base it on whatâs in season with local vendors?â
âWhat grows together goes together.â Tina says, nearly sing-songy. âFarmerâs market is rough though, Jeff.âÂ
âFuck a farmerâs marketâ With love, fuck a farmerâs market.â Back to writing on plexiglass you go. âWe gotta do vendors, maybe fâ like, eggs and dairy we can do farmerâs market, but itâs just not feasible. Maybe for holiday pre fixe or daily specials? But full stock, itâs just notâ Itâs not it. And I say that while having farm fresh eggs and local honey in my pantry, alright?â
Carmen agrees, like a bobble-head this guy. He nods to Tina. âThat cool with you, T?â
âYeah, yeah, thatâs cool with me.â Tina is a millisecond off to pipe in, which is really not noticeableâ To anyone but you, that is.
âWhyâsâ Why would T not be good with that?â
âSheâs in charge of farmerâs market.âÂ
âHm.â You bite the end of the dry-erase marker. âT, would you be cool with rotating that, now and again?â
âOoh?â She tilts her head, shrugging, âYeah, yeah, kid. If you wanna take the reins.â
âNot me.â You return to scribbling on the glass board. You point at Carmen and Syd through the glass. âThem.âÂ
âIâve paid my sous chef dues.â Says Syd, returning to the table with your glass. You tut, shaking your head. You refocus your vision from your writing to beyond the plexiglass, at them.Â
âYou need it for inspiration! You fuckers keep forgetting you like cooking, I need you to visit the farmerâs market once in a while to remind you.â You take the lowball glass and tong a few ice cubes in. âNon-negotiable. Heard?â
A soft, simultaneous, âHeard, Chef.â from your cats.Â
âGood.â You strain the mixed concoction out of the shaker, into the lowball glass. Itâs a very pretty peachy pink. You tweezer a slice of dried fig and place it on top. You grab a toothpick, stick it down the glass, pull it out, and taste the toothpick. Balanced, solid flavour, should be good.
You slide the drink over to Syd. âI canât drink everything obviously, so first dibs goes to whoever the drink is based onâ I donât care who drinks it, just let me know if it goes down smooth.â
You also in turn hand Syd the recipe card and sketch, and youâre quick to move on as she reviews and sips away.
Ouzo. Dry anise tasting spirit. Itâs got a licorice aftertaste, but oddly sweeter for it. Itâs strong. Resilient. Itâs made from remnants of unfermented wine grapes and a mix of other distilled and unused spirits. Better than the sum of its parts. It goes well with figs. Muddle it together with fig marmaladeâ Sweet yet earthy, spring-like. Orange liqueur to marry the flavours, lemon juice to brighten. Shaken, pour over ice into a lowball, serve with a dried fig on top.
Syd manages to reserve her reaction to a slow but repetitive nod, like entering deep space. She only comes back to reality when Richie reaches for the drink, wanting to try. Sheâs quick to pull it away from him, coveting the glass.Â
âAh⌠what else? Rapid fire.â You knock your head around, remembering what The Computer talked about, and in quick succession, you line up every problem and talk through them, possibly solve themâ As best as a newbie can. At the very least, you open the floor to actual discussions as you make drinks all the while.Â
âOpening a full sixth day I think will shoot us in the long run, especially if we ever get a kitchen plague going. Maybe we just open for half the day on Mondays going forward, try out breakfast? Stop booing me, Iâm right.â
Richieâs. Also served over ice in a lowball. Itâs similar to a whiskey smash. Nixing the mint. Whiskey bourbonâ A good one, but not too good that itâs a sin to mix. Something with a cinnamon spice, that's warm all the way down, but never burns. Water it down a bit by stirring peach juice over the whiskey with ice for a brief moment. Float blueberry syrup on top. Add a toothpick, spearing two blueberries and one peach halve, balance it over the glass, for stirring. So the drinker can mix the blueberry syrup in and have a cute colour changing experience.Â
âWine pours, me and Gary got that. We can also just start charging by the bottle by defaultâ Whatever works.âÂ
Marcusâ. Simple but effective. A rum and coke ice cream float. Made complex by the fact that the ice cream is on a rotating schedule, based on whatever Chef Brooks is feeling that night and whatâs in stock. Right now? Pistachio. So tonight itâs actually rum and seltzer, and it will probably continue to be rum and seltzer, based on the way Marcusâ eyes light up by the opportunity to get weird. More often than not, youâre going to need that neutral base. Served in a milkshake glass, because what else?
âI donât understand why I couldnât just grow these microgreens myself in house. Theyâre just plants you murder early, are they not? Am I missing something?â
Tinaâs. Varied take on a spiked agua fresca. Fresh blended mango agua frescaâ With ginger, of course. A healthy kick is a necessity for a mom drink. Sweetened with simple syrup, spiked with white rum, dash of agave bitters, top with coconut water. Served in a tall glass, because why would you skimp on portions?
âWhy are we shipping flowers from New York? No, fuck that, go to Violetâs Violetsâ I fixed her cooler once, she falls in love and gives a discount to literally anyone whoâs nice to her. Just send Marcus with some dessert and youâll be set for life.â
And of course, Carmenâs aperol spritz. You go with the cherry syrup rim for now because itâs important to try. Youâre almost certain itâs too much though.
âNapkinsâŚâ You rub your icy cold handsâ From shaking up so many goddamn drinksâ Over your eyes. âWhy are we renting?â
âBuying is insanely overpriced.â Answers Computer.Â
You nod, shrug, but nod, fingers tapping the glass, âWell, itâs like renting over owning right? It might be better to own because, yâknow, you might suddenly get told by your napkin vendor, like, like years down the line, after basically paying for these napkins in full through rent, âhey, actually, weâre gonna jack up prices or just take those napkins backâ even though youâve âagainâ Literally had them for yearsââ
âChippy, are you good?â Richie tries to massage your shoulder, tries to break you out of the doom spiral, but admittedly, it was never his forte. Still isnât.Â
âWeâ!â Your voice hangs and is grating in a way it usually isnât, ignoring the question. âWe can produce our own napkins if we buy linens by the yard and hem âem ourselves. Weââ You snap your fingers a couple times at Carmen, praying he backs you up. âWe can even get The Bear monogrammed on them.â
âThat sounds niceâŚâ Itâs Carmenâs turn to ease you off the ledge of insanity, gently. âIt also sounds expensive, were you gonna do that?â
âFuck no.â Youâre quick to shake your head. âI fucking suck at sewing, my own jumpsuit is covered in my bloodâ No, myââ Oh. âHold on.â
Your hand immediately goes for your back pocket, quickly pulling your cell-phone out, and dial one of your first starred contacts. Richie, over your shoulder still, sipping his blueberry and bourbon cocktail, excitedly mumbles. âOh, put it on speaker.â
Youâre annoyed before heâs even answered, knowing the headache youâre about to get. âTrust me, the first thirty seconds minimum will not needââ
âHey!â Itâs impossible to convey how earth shatteringly loud and drawn out his voice is, immediately upon answering. There may be eight seconds of the sustained vowel? Maybe more. Almost everyone flinches, par for Syd, Carm, and Rich. Though for all different reasons.Â
A touch grating, in the same way your voice just was. Like father, like occasional daughter, you suppose. âHey kiddo baby darling sweetheart angel princessââ Oh, heâs mad. The whole âslew of nicknames when youâre pissed offâ thing? Yeah, that didnât start with you. âDid someone die? Because thatâs the only reason my darling baby only daughter calls anymore!â
You sigh, immediately exhausted, putting your weight on one leg. âYâknow, once a month is honestly a lot of times a year for a fully grown woman to call their dad, on average. I absolutely call you more than my friends call their dads.â
Richie almost chokes and whispers over your shoulder, hesitant, internally preparing for a dreadful future. âPlease tell me thatâs not true.â
âOh, and you should be so lucky that you have a dad to call! Cause I bet those friends are calling funeral homes, arenât they?!â
âDadââ
âI should have never taught you independence. Worst mistake of my life to teach you how to be your own person. Richard, never teach your kid how to use a screwdriver, it will be the last day you are a father.â
âNoted, Big C-K.â Richie goes for your dry erase to actually write it down, you pull it away from him. Thatâs gonna require a long talk down later.Â
Carmen mouths to you, across the table, he meant to ask earlier when Cicero said it but there wasnât time. âC-K?â
You mouth back, gesturing to the logo on your very own flannel âChicagoâs Kindest.â Heâs not the best with acronyms.Â
âOhâ And thank you for bringing that up! And whatâs this I hear about you cutting your hours with C-K? I hear this from Tony of all people âfore I hear it from you?â
âI got a long-term bartender gig thatâs actually gonna keep my bills paid, alright? And I like it. Putting that mixology double trade major to good use. Ciceroâs got stock in the place, actually.â
âHow you doinâ C-K?â Cicero pipes in next to you, waiting for his moment.
âAh⌠Iâve got my complaints. For one, my Jack keeps you more company than me!â
Thereâs a series of hums and haws, that weird uncle secret language of heavy exhales that manage to say more than any actual words they could say.Â
You let the heaving run its course for ten seconds before cutting it short with, âAnyways, Iâm still gonna keep the business running, just only in the mornings. Itâs not like I brought in that much business anyway, Iâm not pulling a foundation.â
âEverytime a small business dies, a rich man laughs, Jack!âÂ
âItâs not dying! Itâs alive! Itâs present and alive!â Donât get flashbacks. âAnyways, speaking of small businesses, I need a favourââ
âOoh, the truth comes out, princess calls cause she needs bailââÂ
âFor the love of God, let me get through a sentence, Pops!â You grumble, continuing. âRemember that overpriced monogram machine you bought for no reason?â
âIt was not for no reason, it was invaluable because it saved my mitts from hand embroidering all those logosâ And andâ you have to rememberââ You mouth the words along with him, mimicking him, because you know exactly what heâs going to say, âthat it all starts in your communityâ And now you have like eight beautiful outfits, cause of me⌠And also itâs fun.â
âWell⌠If itâs fun, would you consider making some linen napkins?â
And it flows like ping pong, because your dad is a repairmanâ Well, former, but still. Heâs simple. He handles negotiations simple. So do you.
âFor who?â âRestaurant. The Bear.â âWhy?â âCause they need linen napkins.â âHow many?â
You look over your shoulder to Richie, he does the math in his head pretty quickly, âBout seventy to a hundred covers a night.â
âSix hundred.â âPay?â âWeâll pay supplies, and Iâll give you likeââ You look to Syd, expectantly. She has no answer, so you put your advanced on the line. âA thousand?â
âA thousand!? Less than a dollar a napkin! Is this pre-housing crisis?!â âI work here, okay?! Discount me!â âMy God, princess, are you in love with the owner or something?â
That world feels like it's choking, but that's probably just you. You blow hot air out of your mouth, looking anywhere but Carmen. Refusing to see him even in your periphery. Refusing to see his blue screened but ever so slightly expectant expression. Well? Are you? âŚOr something?
After a long moment, you find a way to avoid the question. âAhâUh, Syd co-owns the place.â
âOh, Adamu?!âÂ
Syd pipes in, leaning over the table. You hold the phone out for her. âHâHey, Mr. CK.â She waves, despite the fact that itâs a phone call.
âHey kiddo. Aw, what a sweetheart. Lead with her next time!â
âAlright!â You bring the phone back to your faceâ Itâs remained off speakerphone this entire time, but he continues to yell loud enough for the table. âI didnât realize you were best friends.â
âOf course we are. Yâknow she brought me this uhâ this salmon mushroom risotto the other night? Unbelievable.â
You squint at Adamu curiously, whispering. âYou bring my dad food?â
She whispers in return, defensive. âHe lives on my block, donât be weird.â
âFor her, Iâll do it for eight-hundred, okay kiddo? I know how tough it is to start up a business, canât imagine trying to move on top of that.â
Your turn to blue screen. Moving? Youâre immediately over the love thing. â...Pardon?â
â...Iâll do it for eightââ
âNoâ Yes, sorry, yes dad thatâs greatââ You arch the phone away from your face, focusing your attention on Syd. âSyd, youâre moving out?â
She sighs, âTrying to.â
âPops.â You straighten up, not looking away from her. âIâll call you back to sort details later, okay?â
âSure. You also need to let me know holiday plans, are we going up to Oak Park orââ
Somewhat disrespectfully, you speak hurriedly, âYeah, weâll figure it out, love you, bye!â and hang up. Still locked on Syd, you ask. âWhen you tryna move?â
âLike, soon as possible.â She stretches out her shoulders. âMy own dad is sort of⌠Encroaching on my space.âÂ
âRight.â Your eyes flicker with too many ideas, and youâre trying to temper expectations. âYou wanna live by yourself?â
âI mean, I donât really know anyone on the same timeline as me, with the same âlow budgetâ as me.â
The Computer attempts to interrupt the interruption of his review, holding a finger up, âAnd why are we talking aboutââ
But you hold the palm of your hand up, continuing on, âI need to move out asap and have a âlow budgetâ.â
Thatâs Carmenâs queue to chime in, he loves your place. âWhat happened?âÂ
Also Richieâs, âWhat? Chip, your spotâs like a historical site, ya canât move.â and this is generally agreed upon by a sea of dismayed voices.
âTo make an extremely long story short, I donât have a choice.â You wave your hand in the air, silencing murmurs. âMy sweet old lady landlordâ The only landlord Iâve ever respected, got bought out by a fuckinâ big business gentrification ass companyâ Iâm not in a rent controlled zone so theyâre gonna keep jacking the rent until I move out so they can tear it down and build a new spotâ They also may or may not have found out that me and Lorettaâ My landlordâ Havenât exactly been keeping up to date on my lease.â
âMeaning?â Carmen knows the answer will be bad.Â
But itâs somehow worse. âMeaning I pay my rent on time in cash and she texts me once a year saying âdo you want to keep living here?â and I say âyesâ, and we continue on.â
âWell, hold upââ Richie holds a hand up, like heâs a genius. âSquatterâs rights?â
âI thought about going that avenue, butââ You gesture to Syd. âIf youâre already moving, and looking for a roommate?â
She looks up and around, thinking about it. You decide to join her in the brainstorm, scooching yourself just an inch to the right, writing on free space on the plexiglass screen, âpros and consâ
âPro.â You murmur as you write. âI have a better credit score than you.â
Syd sputters, half sarcastic. âWell, thatâs just uncalled for.â
âItâll give you more options for places! Better ones! Ones with in-unit laundry!â You defend.
âIn-unit laundryâŚâ âYour eyes just lit up in such a sad way.â âCon. You are an ass.â
âThatâs a pro. A real con would be that I have a lot of plants and if I ever go on vacation Iâm gonna need you to take care of them, and Iâm not gonna have a binder for you, because I water them based on vibes, and if I come back and theyâre dying Iâm gonna be pissed off and very passive aggressive about it.â
âViolently honest.â âPro. Mostly direct. Aside from when Iâm not.â âCon. Iâm not direct.â
âCon. Thatâs fine but if I get the idea that youâre mad at me Iâm gonna act really weird about it until you reassure me that everything is okay and you donât want to throw me out the window.â
âYeah. Con. Same.â
âPro. Iâve lived by myself for a while, which is good to have when youâre moving out of your parents for the first time. Con. Iâve lived by myself for a while, and Iâm very used to the lifestyle of big t-shirt no pants, Iâm not giving that up.â
Now that one takes Syd a second to unpack, âBut, but like, underwear though, rightâ?â
âNo shit I wear underwear!â
âOkay! Itâs important to note!â
âDonât be weird.â Richie grumbles behind you, solidly directed at Carmen.
Whoâs whole face really just scrunches up in confusion. ââDonât be weirdâ? You donât be weird.â
âIâm not beinâ fuckinâ weirdââ âThen why are you up in my shitââ âUp in your shit? Oh wowââ âFully not what I was referencingââ âDonât be weird, cousin!â âI literallyâ I did not even moveâ Not a single cell in my bodyââ âAndâ And you only know that âcause you had to lock it down, you dogââ
âI donât remember having kids, why the fuck am I in a Kindergarden?â Uncle Jimmy interrupts.
âIâm just takinâ care of my boy, Unc.â Richie raises a hand in defense, feigning innocence. âCanât be too careful.â
âYou super can, and you super are.â You grimace, elbowing him again. âAnd also, not importantâ!â
âActually, no, very important.â Syd of all people interrupts. âNon-negotiable, like you canâtâ âŚLike youâ âŚWhen Iâm home itâs likeâ Donâtââ Ah.
You roll your eyes and save her before she just about breaks out in a feverish sweat. âSyd, I wasnât planning on it. Thatâs like roommate rule one.â
âSyd.â Richie points to his own eyes, then to hers, âwatching youâ. âDonât be weird.â
âWhat the fuckââ
âEveryone shut up, pros and consâ!â You shout, gaining the attention back. âPros. I have a car, we work at the same place, I have all the furniture for a living room already, you'd never have to wait for a landlord to fix something ever again, and I could probably do a bunch of D-I-Y renter friendly projects, if you wanted.â
â...Oh my god, a French-door pantry.â âI think I could swing that.â âPros. Youâll never have to cook again. I guess thatâs my only pro, actually.â
âCon. I have been feeding the cat on my fire escape for like a year and if Iâm moving I am going to have to adopt her, so weâre gonna have a cat. Sheâs cute, she has five toes on each paw. Something dactyl, itâs called.â
âWhatâs her name?â Squidâs not excited per se, but sheâs not saying no.Â
You shrug. âI never named her, letâs name her together.â
âNo, thatâs too much pressureââ âNo, youâll do greatââ âWhat do you mean Iâll do greatâ?â âThreeââ âOh like together together? No! Whatâ?!â âShut up, just do it, head empty, twoââ âNo! Iâm just not gonna say anyââ âYes you will, Squid. One!â
And together, perfectly in sync, like it was planned all along, you both say on queue, âCalamari!â
âThere we go.â You write âCalamariâ on the plexiglass. âThatâs my girlâ Thatâs our girl, actually. Iâm still not sure if sheâs a girl.â
You click your tongue against your teeth, knocking your head back and forth in thought as you look at the scribblings on the glass. âNon-negotiables?â
Syd leans forward on the table, chin propped up in her hands. âI need forty-five minutes of bathroom time at the beginning of the day.â
â...Do you have a fuckinâ lactose intolerance?â âItâs my me time!â âAlright! Fuckinâ fifty minutes of toilet time for Syd. Ah, I need east facing windows⌠and uhmâŚâ
Syd stares at you, and alas, she can tell, âYou have a big non-negotiableâŚâ
âItâs not that big⌠Itâs more a group thing than a roommate thing, reallyâŚâ âWhat is it?â âI think⌠It would be fun⌠If we all started playing Dungeons and DragââÂ
Thereâs an immediate, staggeringly loud array of groans, youâre still writing it down nonetheless, all the while defending, âI honestly think a little roleplay and math would fix you assholes! I really think it would! Iâll D-M, Iâll make it so easyâ Please?â
Syd grimaces, but inevitably nods. âYâknow what, youâre never gonna get a concrete schedule for that down, and no one else is gonna agree so yes, sure from me.â Still a win.Â
âOkay.â You hum, capping the marker. âSo⌠Aim to move first of February? You down?â
It takes some time, and you realize as Sydâs brain frozen, that you might be overstepping. âSorry, thatâs going too fast, you think on itââ
â...Iâm down.â You make it very easy for her to say yes, by giving her the option to say no. âYeah, letâs do it. February. Iâm down.â
âIâm so happy for you two, but Iâm still fuckinâ reelingâ Chippy, itâsâ itâsâ So many memoriesââ Richieâs being overly dramatic on purpose, hand on your shoulder, really laying on the vocal fry in his voice; but it is true. âI mean, come on, first time Iâd ever been stabbed was on your block.â
âSorry, what?â Carmen was having fun watching his two favourite employees figure out theyâd be perfect roommates. He loves to be a fly on walls around you more than heâd like to admit. Richie managed to ruin it with one line. âStabbed on your block?â
âYeah,â You suck the air between your teeth, trying to think of some sort of white lie, but slowly shake your head, âIâ Yeah, thereâs no real way for me to down play it, I was so fuckinâ scared.â
âYou were tweaking!â Richie laughs, clapping his hand against your shoulder, to him itâs a charming storyâ Youâd probably be laughing too, if Carmen didnât seem so⌠unpleased, letâs say. âYou fuckinâ thought I was gonna die!â
âYou fucking were!â You slap Richâs hand away. âIt was so close to a cerebral arteryâ First and last time Iâll administer stitches in my fucking kitchen, hand to Godââ
âWhatâs the story?â Oh, new face from Carmen you havenât seen before, bewildered annoyance, youâd describe it as, itâs going in your bottom five. âYou live in a bad neighbourhood?â
âItâs rusticââ You try, but Richie opts to speak on your behalf. âOh, Chip lives in a terrible neighbourhood, Cousin. Youâve been there, havenât you?â
âYeah but it didnât seem that badâ Noâ Hold on, go back, stabbed why?â
âSo I heroically defended a boy from crookedââ Richie tries, but you opt to speak on his behalf. âRichie was helping me bring up groceries, we saw some highschoolers shaking a kid down, Richie tried to break it up, one of âem stabbed him with one of those shitty switchblade comb things.â
âYou got stabbed by a kid?â Syd snorts, but immediately regrets it because she has perfectly set him up forâ
âYeah, and wouldnât be the last time, would it?â
âRichie, câmonâŚâ You reach up, patting the guyâs shoulder. âIt was an accident and she apologizedââ
Richie just raises his eyebrows, interrupting with a simple, âMm-mm.âÂ
And so yours raise in tow, â...Fuck you mean âmm-mmâ?â And your head turns to Syd, alarmed. âSyd, you apologized, right?â
Her mouth just sort of hangs, sputtering noises do come out of it, but nothing that strings a sentence together. You grow more agog, repeating again, astonished, nearly laughing from the shock, âSyd?! You apologized, right?! And told him it was an accident, right?â
Syd takes a beat, but she gets there. âIâ I. Am. Sorry I stabbed you by accident, Richie.â
âHm.â Richie crosses his arms, considering, mostly sarcastically. âYeah, Iâll take it, I guess. Wouldâve liked a card.â
âI am not getting you a card.â âIâm jusâ sayinâ Iâdâve liked one.â
Carmenâs still five steps behind, âAre you gonna be fine living there? In January?â
You choke back a laugh, because this is how men try to show they care, one must imagine. âIâve been fine for the past handful of years living there, I think Iâll be fine for another month, sweetheart.â
âCrime is bad in January.â
âI was a first responder, and I know thatâs not true.â You shake your head, shirking off laughter. âItâs actually in the summer that you see shit go down. Again, I will be fine. But you are free to visit.â
âPoint of order.â The Computer finally pipes up againâ Mightâve forgot he was here, if youâre honest. âWhat are we talking about anymore?â
âPoint of orderâ I feel like numbersâ Talking numbers is great but itâs all just likeâ Paper, yâknow?â You unlatch the plexiglass, gently settling it back down on the table. âWe should be talking more.â
Tina nearly whistles in agreement, nodding by your side. âHeavy that, Jeff.â
âThatâs what Iâm sayinâ, likeââ You snap your fingers to the rest of the crew, hand moving to and fro to point at everyone, âDid yâall know until right now that Syd was moving? âŚNo, right? Letâs likeâ Fuckinâ remember to check in, like yâknow, family, Chefs.â
And without calling her out, you can feel Tinaâs demeanor next to you change, relaxed.Â
âHeard, Chef.â Is the agreement from the crew, however, The Computer nor Cicero seem convinced, so with a sigh, you put on your most authoritative voice.
 âYâknow. Three Cs! Caring cuts costs!â A phrase no one has ever said, but it sounds legitimate when you put it like that. That gets them to acquiesce.Â
Thank God, Marcus helps you move the conversation along, â...Whatâs everyone doing for the holidays?â Alas for both of you, the silence is deafening. â...Or not.â
You volley back for him, âIf no one has hard plans I was thinking of having a lilâ Holiday party? Nothing big. Sort of a âgoodbye old apartmentâ party? Come by after you hang out with your families or whatever?â
âNot gonna go up to Oak Park?â Rich leans one arm on your shoulder, nursing his whiskey cocktail in the other.Â
âMeh.â You shrug, attempting to push him off you, but he doubles down. âWeâre not so intense about holidays since everyoneâs aged. Iâll visit my nephew on New Years.âÂ
âIâm doinâ Eve with Eva, but Iâll be free on the day. Iâll come by. We doinâ gifts?â
âI mean I got you something, so,â You tap the bottom of his glass as Rich takes another sip, making him flinch. âCatch the fuck up.âÂ
Syd pipes in, sniffing. âMe and my dad only celebrate on Christmas Eve now, so Iâll come.â
âIncredible. Two down.â You gesture to Marcus and Tina across the table. âYou guys? Tina I assume youâve got a loving family and shit?â
Tina smiles and nods, rightfully proud. âI do have a loving family and shit, but maybe Iâll come by late with them too?â
And Marcus tacks on with her, âIâm gonna be with my mom most of the night, but Iâll come through for a couple hours.â
âPerfect, perfect. Invites open to any plus ones as long as you text me first!â You hum, writing names down on the glass board. Itâs kind of a nightmare of different lists at this point. âRichie, can you make sure Fak and Sweeps get the invite?â
âYessir.â
âAnd us!?â Shrieks Cheech in the back, who really shouldnât be able to hear you, he should be in the zone, slinging sandwiches.
You yell back without turning to him. âYes, fucker, you and E can come, if you want! No fuckinâ plus one for you though!â
âOh come the fuck on, Jack-Off!â
âOh, make me a fuckinâ sandwich, big man!â
âOh, Iâll make you a fuckinâ sandwich!â
âOh, my dick!â A response that makes no sense, consistently the perfect bookend. You sigh, and finally, your eyes flit to the most terrified two in the room. âBerzattos⌠Holiday plans?â
âI think weâre gonna do dinner on Christmas Eve, and then the morning together? Well, I am.â Sug hesitates, sheâs looking between Uncle Jimmy and Carmen. âI was gonna ask what Carmâs plan isâŚâ
âIâll go. Iâll go.â Carmen has to stop himself from biting the skin off the tips of his fingers. âIâll go. And Iâll come to the party, after.âÂ
âIâll probably just go home with Pete after. Babyâs first Christmas, yâknow.â Natalie hums and nods awkwardly. Thereâs a question both of them want to ask. Neither of them are brave enough to ask it. And while you can sense thereâs something dancing in the air, youâre not going to overstep on this front.Â
âMazel. I can buy silly decor with reason now. âŚNow letâs talk about the important grievances.â You hum, happy to end that chapter.
You turn just slightly to gently slap Richieâs cheek as he stands next to you. âRich, you need to line your beard up, this neckbeard shit is pissing me offââ
âWhatâs with the fuckinâ drive by?!â âItâs been on my mind foreverâ You canât be wearinâ suits and then be rockinâ that unkempt shit, clean upââ âIâm clean! Iâm fucking clean!â âWho said? Who fuckinâ said? Cause I sure didnât!â âHowâm I sâposed to be lininâ my shit up every morninâââ âYou do not grow a beard that fastââ âOh fuck you, Iâm not fuckinâ Carmen, I grow a fuckinâ beard.â
Carmenâs just surprised to hear his name out of any name come up. âWhatâ Now thatâs a fucking drive by, what the fuck?âÂ
âIf weâre voicing grievances, Iâd like to voice my fuckinâ complaint with Captain Crash-Out over hereââ âWho the fuck is sublimating now?â âYouâre not usinâ that term correctly, cause youâre not integratedââ âI thought you two worked this out on the road trip!â âWe did!â
You only half regret starting this feud with the beard commentâ To be fair, youâre right. âThis is it working?âÂ
âThis is, in fact, it working.â Syd confirms plainly, her disappointment more than apparent. Rubbing the tips of her fingers to her temples. The fight is out of her, at this point.Â
âAlright.â You slap your hands together. âRichie, what is your complaint?â Are you just union rep now? You might be a union rep now.Â
âCarmen is fucking killing me.â The cocktail swishes and nearly spills as Richie points at the Chef, emphatic. âHe wonât change shit for guests!â
âNo substitutions!â Itâs almost cultish, the way Sydney and Carmen yell it out together.Â
Richie scoffs, head reeling back. âWhat happened to it beinâ about hospitality?âÂ
âI meanâŚâ You suck air through your teeth, squinting. âIf weâre sayinâ no substitutions, itâs no substitutionsâ Unless itâs like an allergy or sensory thingâ But even then, it shouldnât be like a major component getting replaced.â
âSee? See?â Itâs almost maniacal, rabid, how delighted Carmen is that youâre on his side. âFuckinâ thank you. This is why I loââÂ
Before Carmen can finish his sentence, Richie flails about to suddenly throw the peach and blueberry skewer from his drink at Carmenâ Not the pointed side, he doesnât want to stab the guy. Just wants to save him from running his mouth. The peach slice hits Carmâs chest as Richie stutters out, âF-Fuck you, fuck you, fine. No substitutionsâ What the fuck am I supposed to say then?â speaking over whatever syllables fell out of Carmenâs mouth, muddling them.Â
You cock your brow, but Carmen seems to quickly let the childish toss go, more than eager to move on. So you do too. â...Say some bullshit like, like, The Bear encourages âuhmâ explorative culinary experiences where you let your taste buds go beyond your limitations and comfortsâ So eat a fuckinâ mushroom, youâre not gonna die.â
âIf they donât like mushroomsââ âThen they shouldnât order it!â âHow hard is it to just fuckinâ switch it out!?â âSo hard! So hard! I think! I could guess!â
âI could do it.â
âCould you?â You cross your arms, leaning your weight onto one leg, pivoting to Richie. âOkay, roleplay, youâre Carmen, Iâm youââ Just as Richie opens his mouth, you hold your index finger to his lips. âI know you wanna be a bitch, Iâm askinâ you to just skip that part for me.â
His shit eating grin is only a little endearing. âHow am I supposed to be in character if Iâm not allowed to be a bitch?â
You clench and unclench your hands in the air, but let it go, opting to move on to your little thought experiment. âChef, patientââ Instincts never give out, huh? âChrist, patron doesnât want mushrooms in their anolini, I need you to sub it.â
âAh, well Iâm happy to do that for you, Host Richie, Iââ Heâs going to go into some scathing spiel, and you love the guy, but you have to rub dirt in the wound for the lesson to stick.Â
You speak over him, voice stern, âChef. In order to keep pace, I need you to make this call in fifteen seconds, what are you subbing it for?â
Richieâs head shakes back and forth as he scrambles to get his brain to work.âFuckinâ Fuckingâ Eggplant.âÂ
âEggplant?â You ask politely, tone unsure. Carmen asks it with you, tone ridiculing.Â
âItâs a sauce isnât it?â You squint, turning your head to the actual Carmen. âItâs like a really thick mushroom sauce stuffed pasta?â
He tilts his head from side to side, but nods. In gist, yes. âItâs a ragout. Low and slow cooked stewââ Carmyâs ready to rave about it and teach you every facet of the dish, but perhaps thatâs too romantic for a public setting. God, heâs weird about love. âWe keep it going on our back burners all dayâ It takes an hour minimum to make from scratch, you canât just sub it.âÂ
âYeah, wellâŚâ Richie stops himself short of getting snarky for no reason all over again, taking a second to think about it. âWell, I didnât know that. You didnât explain that shit to me.â
âI donât have time to hold your fuckinâ handââ Carmen stops short of getting catty when you give him a very soft and yet gutting disappointed look. He pinches the bridge of his nose, sniffing. âI canât explain why I do everythinâ I do when Iâmâ When weâre in a middle of a rush, I just need you to trust when kitchen says we canât do it. Trust that I thought it through.â
Richie has to control himself, has to make sure the corners of his mouth donât upturn just slightly, has to make sure itâs not clear that he is overjoyed that thereâs finally middle ground, canât get his hopes up. He nods. âI just wanna make everyone happy, yâknow?â
âI know. Youâreââ Carmenâs nose scrunches up for a second, God, heâs never had to say that he thinkâs Richieâs good to his face. And heâs not gonna start now, âEggplant would be a good sub, if we had time.â
Richie prods his tongue along the side of his cheek, thinking. âMaybe I could look into knowinâ restrictions faster and estimatinâ their orders, so you can have âem on deck?â
And Carmen does think thatâd be a waste of time, but heâs learning. He hears it out. âCould give it a shot, yeah.â
âSame team.â Richie reaches across the counter, and Carmen actually takes his hand, a quick dap. Civil.
âSame team.â First time youâve heard Carmen adopt your idiom; you canât help but smile, though youâre trying to hide it. Youâre too focused on arguably the two most important men in your life to notice the silent conversation Uncle Jimmy is having with The Computer, speaking solely through nods and exchanged glances.Â
Pay is for Chip. Cicero nods, and The Computer nods back. He gets it now. Pay is for Chip. Not just the mixologist, not just the sommelier, not just the repairman, not just the not-quite girlfriend, Chip. Youâre Chip. Youâre the cog, the piece. The grease between everyone.Â
Youâre the guy. Always have been, always will be.Â
The silent conversation and the warm feeling in the room is cut short though, by The Computer. âCan she deal with the butter thing?â
âWhat the fuck is the butter thing?â You immediately jump onto the case, when Carmen looks down and away from you, you frown, leaning in. âWhatâs the butter thing?â
Jimmy snaps his fingers at The Computer, he hands him an invoice, which is then handed off to you. Old Major Farms, Orwellian Butter, salted and unsalted. $11,268. You just. Stare. The math comes all too easy to your head. Worth a week?Â
âItâs the best.â Carmen repeats as your eyes remain worryingly unblinking. âItâsââ
âCarm.â Syd all but hisses, shaking her head in tight swivels, waving her hand around her neck for him to cut it. âMaking it worse.â
âAngel is like, the worst it can get.â Hums Richie. Recalling your barometer of anger. Recalling the times when Mikey would say âwhatâs the point of paying bills?â And youâd have to pull him aside. âCanât get much lower than that besidesââ
âLight of my life.â You look up from the paper in your hand, and both Richie and Sydney wince. Your voice is terrifyingly delicate as you nod over to the room behind you. âApple of my eye. Can I speak to you in your office, please?â
Carmyâd like to say no. â...Yeah.â But you already started walking before he even answered, so thereâs not much of a choice here. You head in by yourself, and thankfully, the door closes behind you, so Carmenâs got a second before he gets devoured.Â
He walks around the counter, and as he nears the door, Richie grabs his arm. He whispers as he hands Carmen whatâs left of his cocktail. âYou need to lock the fuck in.â
âI know.â Carm returns, shooting down all thatâs left of the lowball. Whyâs Richieâs the sweet one? Whyâd Carmen get the cough syrup drink? Thatâs not fair. Do you not think heâs sweet? âThank you for theâ Intercept.âÂ
Richie nods, heâs been unwillingly playing quarterback for Carmen since going to Rockefeller and seeing that goddamn giant tree and Carmen couldnât stop opening his big fucking mouth after seeing you under the star. âJust think with your brain, not yourââ
âDonât.â âWas gonna say heart.â âSure.â âDonât be weird.â
âI know itâs expensive.â Carmen gets it out before even fully closing the door behind him, âBut itâs normal prices, for high-end restaurants. I know itâs differentââ He stops short when he finally turns around from the closed door, to see you, holding your painting.Â
Itâs facing you, youâre reviewing it in your hands where you sit in the office chair; the brown wrapping paper freshly ripped and on the floor. Carmen still doesnât know whatâs on the piece.Â
âCarm.â You twist the piece around in your hand, turning it to him. He can see the nine squares. The Beef to The Bear. Mikey. âThis is not another restaurant.â
Carmen continues to stare, silently, though he takes a step closer, reaching a hand out to graze over the canvas. You keep going, clarifying. âWeâre not just another high-end restaurant. Weâre us. And so we should be doing things like us. Weâre the best, we donât need the stuff to be.â
He was with you until that last part. His pursed lips say as much.
âItâsââ You smack your lips together, haphazardly handing him the canvas, heâs very quick to grab it with both hands, not wanting it unstable for a second. âHold on, let me show you somethinâ â I think I left one in here.â
You roll the office chair back a bit, sinking down in the seat to reach far behind a tall cabinet; you have to pad your hand around in the dark nook for quite some time before you pull outâ A screwdriver. An oddly shaped one, at that.
â...Has that been here the whole time?â
You nod. âLike threeish years at least, I think I threw it back there while telling itâs origin story. Itâs part of the first set I ever got.â You grip the flat wooden handle. âItâs the worst screwdriver on earth, like, by far.âÂ
That gets a little chuckle out of Carmen. âYeah?â
âYeah.â You look up from it to him. âItâs a handmade set. Dadâs dad made it.â You awkwardly roll closer to him, he leans over, head next to your head as you both look down at it. âItâs got a flat wooden handle, made of poplarâ So not only is it fucking impossible to get a good grip on, itâs also so fucking slippery. Itâs part of a whole set, passed down from my grandpa to my dad to me.â
âSounds fucked.â
âIt is.â You laugh, and so does he. âItâs purposefully meant to piss you off.â You rub your thumb over the dent marks in the woodâ All from the times you threw it at somethingâ Including the very cabinet that it hid behind. âYou ever wonder why I took over the handyman gig, beinâ the youngest and all?â
Carmy shrugs, glancing from the screwdriver to you. âJust assumed you were the best.â
That gets another laugh out of you, and Carmenâs overjoyed by the sound. âYeah, Iâm probably the best. But thatâs only cause I kept up with it.â
You turn your head up to face Carmen again as you explain, âWhen our dad started bringing us to jobs as kids, he would make us exclusively use this set of screwdriversâ Sort of as a secret test. My brothers would get pissed off, as planned, and theyâd quit and cry. And I dunno, I guess Iâd cry and keep going? And I learned a couple tricks, eventually.â
âTricks?â
âLike.â You pull back in the chair and run your hand across the office desk. The corners of it are screwed into the metal cabinet below it. âItâs really good if youâre screwing from the top down.â Using it as an example, you start to unscrew it. âItâs balanced. And itâs really all in the gripâ Always loosen your grip with this one. Even if that seems counterintuitive.â
You get it to unscrew just fine with your loosened grip. âBut if that doesnât work, and you just canât get it to workââ You lift the screwdriver in front of his face, showing off the sides of the handle. He smirks at theâ âJust make your own grooves, itâll be easier to hold.â Tiny teeth marks.Â
âCarm.â You tap the handle to his nose as he zones in too much on it. âIâm the best repairman because I can work with anything. Youâre the best Chef because you can work with anything. You donât need the best when youâre the best.â
Heâs the best?Â
Heâs the best.Â
Heâs the best.Â
âI truly think you could make just as good a plate with Becel as this fucking Animal Farm butter.âÂ
Carmenâs the best. You think heâs the best.Â
Heâs gotta think with his head and not with his heart and not with anything else, either. Lock the fuck in, Carmen.
âI dunno bout all that.â He shrugs, bashful and attempting to hide it, trying to shake the praise off his back.Â
âWell I know âbout that.â You shrug back, âIâm actually kind of a genius, when it comes to knowing whoâs good and whoâs not.â
âI donât doubt that.â Carmy hums, and the sound is sweet without reservations. â...Painting is very good.â He nods to himself, on repeat, like a bobblehead. âOr I guess itâs less a painting and more a buncha photo transfers?â
âYeah.â You set the screwdriver aside on the desk. âMost of them I took.â
âTheyâre good. Itâsââ He pauses, tongue against his teeth. âItâs nice to see evidence he kept up, or somethinâ.â
You nod, seeing Carmenâs brain struggle to keep pace in real time. âWe took that one I think the day we talked to Uncle Jimmy about The Bear? Had to print out articles as proof we could make it workâ Or, that you could make it work, rather.â
Carmen sniffs, crossing his arms, hands in tight fistsâ Probably too tightâ where they hide. âYeah, kinda fuckinâ up my end of the bargain, hm?â The light laugh that follows is hollow.
âEh. You both did.â You smile, though itâs hesitant. â But at least youâre still here fixing it.â
Still here. Still fixing it. That is in essence, the piece. Carmen gets lost staring at the squares, so you speak as he does. âI was trying to like. I dunno, replicate your brain.â He can see it. The messy yet coherent, controlled yet chaos. The love. The grief. The progress. The home. You see him. He can see that you see him.Â
â11k for butter,â Carmâs head doesnât move but his eyes raise to you. âIs a week. More than a week.â
Ah. Carmen can see you too, see your thought process. The Ascaso, worth one of the worst weeks of Mikeyâs life. The fucking butter. Worth more than a week of Mikeyâs sobriety.Â
All you can do is nod solemnly. âIt is, yeah.âÂ
He nods back, tongue prodding his cheek. âThatâs too much.â
âIâd agree.â
âIâll switch to local.â You make it easy for him to fix his mistakes, by giving him the space to realize them.Â
âI think thatâs the right call.â You nod, smiling. After a moment, you reach for Carmen to uncross his arms, and when he does, you take his fist and uncurl itâ Your hand is a very soothing balm to the spots where he dug his nails into his own hand.
âLoosen your grip, Carmy.â
And so, he does. With a laugh and a look to high heaven, he loosens his grip. Really loosens his grip. Wellâ Not completely, heâs not going to say that, but he will say something that is just nearly as difficult but not quite. He'll bite down a little. Heâll make the grooves, for now, until his grip is good enough.
âCome to dinner with us?â
would you believe me if i said I had to rewrite a bit of this last scene because intially it went so rom-com and I was so disgusted when I reread it in the morning I had to stare at it in the subway ride to work like "what the fuck am I gonna do"
was this chapter good? God I hope so. I felt like with where we're going, it was kinda necessary to do Chip's onboard, set the stage for what work is like for her. I had to loosen my own grip with this one lmao. just allow myself to be a LITTLE messy. if it's bad, lie to me. tell me sweet little lies peach
DAD REVEAL THOUGH EH? MR CK!!! So much did happen this chapter. Chips on board! Squid Ink moving in together era commences! Christmas party!! Also. Would you believe me if I told you no shit syd was gonna move, she was planning it in S2, but I was planning this whole time for Ink to get evicted!! I want those fuckers to be roommates STAT!!!
anyways, i really hope i remembered to write down everyone that asked to be added to the taglist, i might've not. i'm very sorry if i didnt
oh also if you wanna be added!! send in your thoughts!! words for words baby, essay for essay cmonnn gimme ur character analysis!! (oh and also ask to be added, ofc)
@hoetel-manager , @fridavacado @sharkluver , @spectacular-skywalker , @silas-aeiou , @deadofnight0 , @sunbreathingstuff , @anytim3youwant @navs-bhat @whoknowswhoiamtoday @gills-lounge @blueaproncarmy @itsallacotar @catsrdabestsocks101 @popcornpoppin @renaissance-painting @lostinwonderland314 @v0ctin @ashtonweon @mrs-perfectly-fine @thefreakingbear @anytim3youwant
#carmen berzatto#the bear fanfiction#the bear x reader#the bear hulu#the bear fx#the bear#the bear x you#carmen x reader#carmy x reader#carmen berzatto x reader#carmen x oc#carmy berzatto
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I've enjoyed episode 3 the most so far, but I think the show is still struggling to find a good balance between taking itself seriously and the absurdist humor that RR writes with. My main takeaways:
The Fight Scenes (or Lack Thereof?)
It seems very peculiar to me that the show is just speed running through its battle scenes. Again, it feels very much like the product of Disney trying to sanitize anything that's too extreme?
The trio fleeing from the kindly ones in the book ended with Percy taking control of the bus and then crashing it. It explodes. They lose all of their stuff (money, food). In the show, they simply bail out the back window. No true panic. No tension. Just, okay :) we're leaving now :)
The Medusa Scene. I'll speak more to this later, but in terms of the fight we get to see... well we get to see nothing. Apparently this fight required us to view it through the lens of the invisibility cap (ie. not at all),
I understand this show is intended for a younger audience, but the books are as well. Even the movies, which are pg, came up with better ways to show things without necessarily showing things. As a result, it feels like anything that might induce the slightest bit of tension or fear are sanded down and its honestly doing such a disservice to the books and the audience.
Medusa
I actually really liked this portrayal of Medusa. The 1950s housewife vibe landed well for me. And I loved the actress's voice -- very soft and soothing but always sounding as if she were just about to cry.
Also, I really liked her dialogue. Her digs at Athena and Poseidon were perfectly tragic.
That being said, I really prefer the trio's arrival to the emporium in the book. In the books, they've been wandering the woods and are lost and exhausted and hungry because of the battle/bus crash where they've lost all of their stuff. It almost feels like the emporium popping up "out of nowhere" was more of it finding them.
Meanwhile in the show, Grover finds it through scent on a satyr path and they immediately know its Medusa, which imo takes out so much of the fun of it all??? In the books, they dont know. Grover's just like, freaking the ever living fuck out, and clearly Percy and Annabeth have let him take sole custody of the shared brain cell, cause they're more concerned about getting some food than anything else
Just... RIP dumbass shenanigans
And honestly, I'm not really sure what necessitated the change here in the show (of them not being tricked). It would have been one thing if they were going to change Medusa entirely to not wanting to harm them at all, but imo, I think its arguable/evident that show Medusa was looking for an excuse to petrify Annabeth and Grover (at minimum) regardless of anything.
Honestly, I would have had the show loosely play it out as: book arrival (they dont know its Medusa), keep the dumbass energy and banter, the trio figures out it Medusa while they're eating, Medusa is the more sympathetic version we see in the show, regardless it still ends with the battle.
Also, I do mourn the book battle. The panic and absurdity is just handled better imo. Annabeth shoving them off the bench, Grover flopping all over the place with the shoes but actively getting a good few hits in, Percy having to use to the reflection to behead her... the #TeamWork was emphasized a little more there to me.
Characterization
I think the show is absolutely nailing certain parts of the characters.
They've gotten Percy's anger and his derision towards the gods down. But, I think they're actually underscoring some of his, idk, sincerity? His kindness? It was the line "she met a pinecone's fate" that just rang off to me. While undoubtedly funny, it's just such a stark difference from his reaction to Thalia's story in the books, where he was unsettled by her fate and felt a sincere sympathy for her. The line in the show I assume is meant to criticize the gods, but still, it feels like it comes at the expense of the sensitivity that he has.
They've gotten Annabeth's bluntness, intelligence, pride, and superiority down cold. No question about it. But I feel like they just need to let her be more of a 12yo kid?
Like. In canon she and Percy banter and argue over the silliest of things. She plays hacky sack with Grover and Percy. She blushes and hyperventilates when Luke interacts with her. Episode 3 is like the first time we've gotten to see her do something remotely childish (buying all that candy) and I'm just dying for more of that!! She's not the "mom" of the group and she has her canon dumbass moments. I'm hoping more of this is captured moving forward. They've gotten a good start on the banter, but let Annabeth be more silly! Cause she is!
(Absolutely none of my personal qualms about the characterization are Walker or Leah's fault. They've done amazing. It's the writing/directing I'm side-eyeing).
OH! And I'm sorry but Percy being like "Annabeth we're going to bury medusa with your hat on" would have never ever flown with Annabeth. In no world.
But Grover eating them up at the end? Iconic. Good for him.
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iâve been seeing ur blaseball posts for a while now and i have to say i have No earthly idea what it is. is it a webcomic? a band?? a sport??? pls give me a crash course on this seemingly cool thing
well shes dead forever unfortunately (riv) BUT blaseball was an absurdist baseball sim that u watched in ur browser, basically like if fantasy football was simultaneously massively multiplayer AND an ARG and also completely fucking insane. it was the best because it ran at all hours of the day and was so so fucking insane and spawned a LOT of memes and fanworks especially art and music! one of the best fan communities for fan music that has maybe ever existed if not The best. ur experience of it was largely filtered thru the team u followed (mine was the hawaiĘťi fridays)
here are some blaseball sites for u
blaseball roundups from the youtube, i would recommend starting here itll give u the cliff notes And the vibe. these were done in character, the anchor is a guy who exists in the blaseball universe, also later on they started to be Plot
sibr faq <- this will probably be more helpful but do the roundups first because itll throw u into the lore (and while im at it heres sibr aka the society for internet blaseball research but most of that will. probably be unintelligible. when stuff makes no sense consult the wiki. or ask a fan)
the wiki, where u can read about history and the players and teams and such
BEFORE <- this is where you can still to this day watch old games!!! i love u so much before thank you sibr for allowing me to relive the beautiful game that we are all love (sobbing crying throwing up)
the garages bandcamp <- by far the largest of the fan bands (though there was also the park park rangers and the hades tigers and the los angeli juxebox) there is so much music on here. the majority of it was made in the span of like a year and a half. i got music on there! i recommend starting with away games or blattle of the blands or reunion tour or one of the world tours, they have the widest variety of vibes and will help u learn about most of the teams (im not biased <- guy who has a couple songs in there)
theres also sites like reblase and blaseball-reference and such but those are just catalogues of old data i wouldnt think youd want to trawl thru those as much. theyre probably accessible via sibr anyway
also frankly just ask fans to tell you stories, go in the tag on here and just go in random peoples inboxes. youll pull up some fantastic stuff that way. blaseball was so active and alive and changing and no two people had the exact same experience of it. and god there will always be stories. we will always be telling stories
rest in violence blaseball. i will always love you and i will always miss you and it will never stop
#blaseball#blb#sometimes i think about this stupid fucking game and miss it so so fucking bad i want to throw uo đđđđđđđđđđđ#like right now actually#askbox#ari opinion hour
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I mean this with nothing but love but like genuinely how did u even come up with that Lorde plot??? đđđđ
God this most recent chap was so funny man, my fav scene was Elf Kyle and Kenny dancing together. That was absolutely adorable and Iâd love to see some art of that
So excited for the canon plots now(and all the universes rlly) keep up the great work man đ
Gonna be honest, I donât really remember. Iâm pretty sure it was a late night chat with my sister about drag in South Park. I love absurdist comedy so we were probably chatting about that, and the Lorde idea spawned from there. Shrug.
So glad you enjoyed the chapter. I drew the Kenny & Kyle moment for you! I can promise there will be more cute scenes with the kids in the future.
#upsideinsideout#south park fanart#south park#kenny mccormick#kyle broflovski#elf king kyle#princess kenny#sp stick of truth#the stick of truth#stick of truth#sp sot
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sorry if you've covered this before but what do you think of the humans are space fae tag/ the idea of like, humans bringing their courts and complex law into alien spaces?
I think that the idea of humans bringing complex law into things is so funny because 100% other alien cultures would be confused by half of the social niceties and weirdly specific laws because duh, that's common sense who would do that? Until they learn there is a precedent for its existence. Like in Cali it's illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket, which seems out of pocket until you learn the context- which is that cattle theives used to use it to lure cows out of pasture. Then it makes perfect sense Only Because someone did something so uniquely fucked up that their actions now warrant a law to stop copy cats.
Alien: why are you specifically not allowed to nuke the whole world and cause the apocalypse? Is that not common sense??
Human: oh you'd certainly fuckin think, wouldn't ya?!
But some constraints would be absolute nonsense. Like why the fuck DO we shake hands? And why is a firm grip so important when we do it?? Why are we so insulted when others misgender our pets?
And don't get me started on pop culture references! Aliens don't understand 'Beam me up, Scotty!", or "thicker than a snicker", and by God would the absurdist humor be so mind boggling to understand from an outside perspective!
Anyways I love humans are space fae, but I never had a solid enough idea of what exactly I found so fun when I was haso posting, thanks for the ask!
#humans are space orcs#humans are weird#earth is space australia#humans are space australians#earth is a deathworld#humans are space fae
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are there any shakespeare retellings you recommend? i really enjoy retellings but it's also difficult to find ones that like. actually understand the source material... i've read your novella duodecimal and really liked it btw! excellent take on twelfth night :-)
THANK YOU SO MUCH WAH... yes, i can recommend some retellings! i keep intending to make a big post with my recs, actually, but there are so many out there that i haven't read yet... so for now here's an incomplete list:
a thousand acres by jane smiley: the first one that came to my mind seeing this ask. it's a retelling of lear set on an american farmstead, and the adaptation is done beautifully and smoothly--it's just distinct enough from OG Lear that you can judge it as a book on its own but also as a lear retelling. and it's sooooo good. it starts a little slow, but the character work is so excellent and it almost made me cry (i will note that there's a pretty hefty cw on this one but... saying what it is is technically spoilers? but feel free to send another ask or message if you want to know up-front)
the last true poets of the sea by julia drake: books that made me have to turn my camera off in zoom class so i could bawl properly. books written for me specifically. this is a loose YA retelling of twelfth night (looser than some of the other retellings on this list) and it's like. perfect. the teenage dialogue actually sounds like teenagers. every emotional beat clubbed me over the head. the love triangle is present--and done really well; it's not present for drama but because sometimes being a teenager is confusing--but more than that this is a book about the relationship between violet and her sibling, and about mental health, and god it makes me CRAZY. also girls kiss in this one
rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead by tom stoppard: i mean. i think most people into shakespeare know r&gad. but in case you haven't read it yet, it's an absurdist play from the point of view of rosencrantz and guildenstern and it's absolutely fucking brilliant. not sure what else to say about this; you've really just gotta read it
teenage dick by mike lew: another play, this one on the modern side--a retelling of richard iii set in a high school, focusing explicitly on disability issues. kind of more a reimagining than a retelling, honestly, but i really like the exploration of r3's themes and also it's fucking hysterical. although i will say there's a kind of jarring tonal shift in this one near the end, so don't go to it for something 100% comedic
american moor by keith hamilton cobb: okay this isn't exactly a retelling but if you've ever read othello you have to read it. you just have to. please god if you've ever read a shakespeare PLEASE. it's a monologue from the perspective of a black man trying out for the role of othello, half-resigned to being pigeonholed into playing that specific role in a very specific way as directed by a white director, but also half-chafing against that resignation, and also exploring the complexities of loving shakespeare as a black man, and it's soooooo so good
exit, pursued by a bear by e.k. johnston: this one is kind of cheating because it's not really a retelling, in that it has next to nothing to do with the winter's tale except that there is a hermione character and a leontes character and a paulina character. i still think it's a very very well-done YA book, though, and one of the only ones i've read that deals head-on with abortion
foul is fair by hannah capin: okay, i will admit i read this one some years ago when i was more into YA, so i'm not sure i would still go crazy over it now, but the plot of this book is that the modern lady macbeth character gets assaulted by a guy at a party and decides to kill everyone who let that happen. and then she does. and idk i read it in two days it felt like being on crack
the wednesday wars by gary schmidt: this one is DEFINITELY cheating, because this isn't a retelling of anything. but if you like shakespeare and you're open to reading historical fiction about a kid in the 60s using shakespeare as a lens through which to understand the chaos of his life (from the vietnam war to his school crush)... it's so good. it made me nearly sob. beautiful book
i'm also a fan of ryan north's shakespeare choose-your-own-adventure books, but those aren't exactly retellings and also the humor will probably not work for everyone. but i like em <3
and finally, i would be remiss not to shout out the fact that @suits-of-woe wrote an INCREDIBLE retelling of the two gentlemen of verona that, like, redeemed the fact that that play exists. if you've read that play and you thought, "wow, i wish this were explicitly homoerotic, or not a rape apologia, or good in any way," you will LOVE macy's book. unfortunately it isn't fucking published yet but WITH YOUR HELP--
#max.txt#feel free to send me recs for shakespeare retellings at any time btw!#i've been collecting a list#i just haven't gotten around to most of the books on it yet#asks
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"if you cant make a joke about a giant evil fish god, you dont understand comedy" they would sooo get along
youtube
"are you really telling me that susy homemaker started spouting a death prophecy and you just packed her bags and sent her on her dream vacation?" "i. dont. remember! and even if i did, what does it matter. we have bigger problems. that wasnt just a death prophecy, sis, that was doomsday talk. the end of all things. and i dont know about you but i dont really look forward to returning to the primordial abyss. i dont really like being more than a 4 hour flight from paris. we've wasted enough time, we need to get this situation under control"
begrudgingly dragged to the good side bc too much of a hedonist to let earth be destroyed. i think matska and missy have spent more than an evening together. i think they meet up semi-regularly to get away from the tedium of evil business and hang out for a long weekend with someone who gets it
#'youre such a utilitarian it's gross' - 'nihilist' - 'existentialist' - 'absurdist at bEST'#'assumption' - 'deduction' - 'hope' - 'faith' - 'idiot' - 'always'#goddddd this episode#can they cast natasha negovanlis in some fucking movies please#like jesus christ#like the writing for carmilla is great i love the monologues they give her but she pulls them off SO incredibly#'be good for me carmilla. change for me carmilla. burn down everything youve ever loved for me carmilla'#i need to..........get into her skin i want to write fanfic#i want to explore her life before laura#shes not hard shes in my wheelhouse i just need to finish my rewatch and i think i can get it#laura would be more of a challenge#carmilla would be so fun too with all the philosophy. i need to read more philosophy. and all the history#the languages. she speaks german. i bet she speaks a bunch of other ones too#omg im reading the wiki and id forgotten that elle rejected her when she found out abt the vampirism#no wonder shes so adamant abt laura not denying the vampirism. and especially the monstrousness. i think it's less abt the vampirism#technically and more abt the vampirism morally#but anyway they travelled around attending high society events and courts and stuff. i bet she speaks a bunch of languages#also she was in paris for a bit before mother got her back. so definitely french đ#oh my god wait she was in paris during the same time as the iwtv vampires and their theatre drama. oh my gOD#her in the audience one night oblivious. very quickly not oblivious any longer. sneaking out before she gets caught up in THIS drama#out of the theatre right back into mother's arms#probably thinks 'you know what i'll take my chances. this over whatever these theatre guys got going on' fgkgjhgjkh#carmilla voice: this gay drama is way too much im back to my lesbian drama now#Youtube
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Do you have any litrpg recs?
OH BOY DO I
I will attempt to give little descriptions but I'm not the best at writing so if nothing else I hope the names pique your interest! This post will be more personal opinion than direct plot summary, though if you'd like I can add those too
Noobtown: Humor is a bit high school boy especially in this first one, but it definitely gets some full body cackles outta me. Though this is a comedy series supposedly, it knows how to tug at your heart strings with some genuinely good characters and an interesting break of the system surrounding the book itself. More than anything, this shits Fun. It gets really interesting, Shart the demon is a pathetic mound of anger issues, Jimâs name is the equivalent of a dogâs in this world, all hail Badgalor king of the badgers, fuck the fecking puma forest.
Chaos Seeds: Classic of the genre, though definitely dated and the series degrades with the more recent books. Very nice magic system, one of the better uses I've seen, and the characters are notably very colorful/fun. Good fights and damn graphic, isn't afraid to be gruesome though there is a beating heart of humanity through the series I personally enjoy
Dungeon Crawler Carl (mix of LitRPG and apocalyptic dungeon elements, what it says on the tin): one of the best, and I mean BEST of this genre in my opinion. extraordinarily dark and horrifically funny. This shit will depress you as you giggle at it. But its just so damn good with some really nice underlying as well as overt commentary. More gorgeous character writing though here it's all Carl and the beautiful Princess Dount (his show winning, talking, cat whom deserves the universe in her paws) all the way. Very absurdist humor by the by, if that's your thing
Ascend Online (town builder litrpg): I mainly love this one for something that happens I think at the end of the first book though it might be the second. It sort of flips the magic system against our hero in a wonderfuly monstrous way. This one is Very Big, and honestly a little boring at times. But the game mechanics and magic system are drooling off of the page, begging to be thought about. Our main character is smart and resourceful, as a veteran of video games he capitalizes his knowlage for a satisfying build. If youâre really into game mechanics this shit was MADE for you, it is also just plain interesting. Good ideas and good fight scenes to go around for everyone! And mainly I just consider it a bit boring because I listened to the audiobook and the narrator read off the Entire Status Page ever like chapter which, if you're an avid LitRPG reader, youâll understand the pain involved in such a thing
He Who Fights With Monsters: Another insanely long book, another absolute banger. While personally I'm not a fan of the series as it progresses, the first one is a full experience all on its own, lightning in a bottle to me. The main character is one of the best Iâve read about, the magic system is deliciously unique, the side characters are memorable as hell, but most of all I adore the worldbuilding in HWFWM SO fucking much. I have like full posts thirsting after it GOD. I could sit here and just talk. This is one of the best on the list to me, right up there with Dungeon Crawler Carl; even better in the side character department
Ritualist (The Completionist Chronicles): This oneâs strengths are a surprising mix of absurdist comedy and a somewhat well thought out magic system. The writing is,,, Not The Best especially compared to some others, but it was a fun and very quick read, especially compared to some others on this list. a popcorn turn your brain off read
System Apocalypse (While most LitRPG exist in fantasy worlds, this one is a post-apocalyptic sci-fi vibe): This is another short one. It takes place in Canada and the main character is a ball of severe anger issues and angst, he has a very cool motorcycle and kicks hella ass. Itâs great. His companion is top tier as well, there may or may not be a hot space elf prince involved. If you don't like romance youâre still good though because there isnât any since John is a pussy ass bitch. Sorry, sorry, I'm trying to be fair and balanced. It's good! John is definitely a flawed individual, I think people often miss a lot of the little nuances in his character and write him off as petulant and pissed (to be fair, he is) but to me at least there's a bit more going on. Even if he can be genuinely irritating to read about
And finally, my two favorite series... and guilty pleasures
The Good Guys: A quintessential barbarian. Think of a barbarian character. Boom. There it is. Thatâs our man Montana Coggshall. this series is my version of embarrassment exposure therapy, Montana is constantly being humiliated and nothing good ever happens to him. But Also, this is not a sad or angsty or dark series at all. Its fun and light and god are the fights amazing. a fantasy romp to its core. Charming and delicious and fun and action packed to the gills.
The Bad Guys: A quintessential rouge. Think of a rogue character. Boom. There it is. Thatâs our man Clide Hatchett. This series has a style and comedy and charm to i cannot physically understate and there are So Many genuinely clever moments
there are so many characters that fuck around with morality and right/wrong and different view points that make the world feel so lived in
Everything from plumbing to lumberjacks is explored and given loving attention.
Reading it feels like coming home, I honestly don't care that the plot has turned into side quests and atm the side characters haven't gotten enough time in the spot light
The main character and fucking sheer amazing awkward kind conflicted energy of his dialogue, I've developed a connection to Eric ugland's style of writing further than I thought and I can't get enough of this shit. Also every problem Clide Hatchett has is solved with some sort of fucking batshit way I Adore
He's the guy who used a dagger that could travel through liquid to travel through a guys stomach and out the other side. Did I mention how gorey these books are? Because Yeah. I adore Clide Hatchet, my favorite character to ever be written in any place ever. He walks into places he absolutely shouldn't be, gets called elf boy, kicks everybody's ass while simultaneously being the most awkward and uncoordinated mess elvenly possible, then leaves. He is in the palace throne room profusely apologizing to the servants for getting dirt on the floor and beating the shit out of the king, he is at the altar of your wedding punching you in the face and then turning around and tripping on his dress, he is calling himself a hero before robbing a home blind. And also he keeps on shoving acid globs down people's throats and managing to do that while maintaining pure silly little guy energy is genuinely character writing talent. He's perfect. Yes it is very dorky.
Eric Ugland (who wrote both the Good Guys and Bad Guys series) has this way of writing, this STYLE I cannot properly articulate how much I find myself in love with it. though I will warn you I'm definitely bias, since I've been following both of these series almost since conception my perception could be entirely skewed by nostalgia
#LONG post#noobtown#chaos seeds#dungeon crawler carl#ascend online#he who fights with monsters#hwfwm#the completionist chronicles#system apocalypse#good guys#bad guys#eric ugland#ttobitxt
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"It was never that serious," said Rose Lalonde calmly. â a deranged rant on update rose + philosophy
now that rose has officially hopped onto the "nothing matters" track of things i'm inclined to believe faux-absurdism is a sleeping agent in the strilondian neuroticism paradigm moreso than a real plot point but yeah anyway i have mixed feelings
on one hand i can definitely see why people don't like her / think she's ooc. the classic process of "cause major change in a character" goes inciting incident -> development -> big blowout moment demonstrating the change (appropriated + bastardized from mr freytag himself), and in my personal opinion the comic jumped the gun on this one? we get the inciting incident (candy timeline's irrelevancy) and both irl timeline and character arcwise are plunged straight into the blowout with very little time in between. there's a tiny hint with the light symbol playing a role (more on this later) but for the most part it feels sudden and unjustified if you're insane about rose + understand sufficient epilogues metaphilosophy + and are coded specifically to like this type of shit you Get Exactly What's Going On and fucking dig it. if you don't, you think they've put her through a meat grinder and i can see both
on the OTHER. dear god i'm sucking on the sweet teats of knowledge and absurdism like a baby at the bath. her swapping her constant need of "why" to "why not" and both rose's constant struggle with Light mixing with the irrelevancy of candy and coalescing in one big idgaf war except.
except on the third hand it's worth mentioning that she's also half-assing absurdism so bad that it gets pathetic. her last line "I knew you would forgive me anyway" actually solidifies this arc as one big tantrum that they plan on developing into Not A Thing (hopefully) because she doesn't tell kanaya "I knew it wouldn't matter." the forgiveness is what she focuses on. the forgiveness matters. kanaya still matters to her whether this dumbass light player is consciously aware of this or not and i think ironically KANAYA knows this better than she does which is part of her saying she refuses to mediate this one. on a rosemary level this is jaw-dropping on a character level BOOOO
MAKE HER ABSURDIST! make her sit there and do things not for the sake of kanaya but literally only to do them. make her sit there and genuinely believe the only obligation in reality is to live it. dirk fails at being a true absurdist too he starts injecting meaning into life like there's motherfucking nothing and rose actually acknowledging there's zero meaning whatsoever but living anyway and in that process learning to love life (juxtaposes jake's adventurer) would juxtapose her to him but NOOOOOO she has to sit there and go Well there's no meaning to Life. It was Never that serious. Fuck you. but then refuse to kill herself (thereby proving camus right once again) then now what. now What. Ohhhh "nothing" matters cool then die. dirk's suicide was meaningful because he broke that formula okay he went There's no meaning to life? Ok. then immediately hung himself he DEVOURED that sequence he subverted absurdism back into existentialism which is cool but ROSE COULD PERPENDICULAR THAT!
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TUA4 Spoilers
I figured out how the subway plotline could have fixed things.
Lila and Five should have taken Klaus and Allison with them. All four of them should have been trapped in the subway.
(I did think that maybe Diego should have been, but I think the CIA fight was worthy, it taught Diego a valuable lesson about being present for his family, and I think that Diego being in the subway was too on the nose.)
You have the four of them on this subway station, and someone gets left behind - Klaus or Allison. They all get lost trying to find each other again, and then find their way back - splitting up and mapping out the subway to compay notes.
Klaus and Allison spend a year trying to find Five and Lila, living out of the trains, and they get to talk. They get to hash out all of the messy trauma that comes with being an addict, sobriety, and living with an addict. How Klaus loves Claire so much, but he's affecting her. How Allison needs to be more present for her. How/why Ray left. Why Allison fucked them all over in S3.
And then Allison and Lila get a moment to talk about shitty marriages and lives that aren't quite what they wanted - Allison and her failed acting career, Lila stuck in suburbia. You have this come-to-god moment for both of them.
Meanwhile, Klaus and Five find Max's Deli because you know the absolute joy Klaus would get from that absurdist place? The jokes. A source of food that isn't subway rats? Amazing.
Then they get back six years later. Haunted and tired and so, so grateful to be back. Ready to fight for whatever they need to. Lila clinging to Diego when he says he misses her.
Allison and Klaus practically sobbing over Claire.
Five trying to reconcile the fact they have to die to fix everything. Klaus looking him dead-on and saying that he has been fighting for decades to save them, and the Five that ripped his way through time wouldn't give up.
Then you can go one of two ways:
Either Five founds the commission to create a 'bubble' where the Hargreeves can live safely without causing the apocalypse, outside of the timeline. They have to leave the kids behind, but they're always watching - and they can visit with them in the subway.
Or they die. And God is back on her bike, looking unamused to see Klaus again. Sloane and Ben are there, waiting for them. When God tries to kick Klaus out, every single one of them demands he be allowed to stay - all of them or none of them. God is vaguely disgusted but allows it, as long as Klaus stays away from her.
"We had a good run."
That's it. It always needed to come back to messy, flawed assholes doing their goddamn best and being each other's ride or die when shit came to shove.
I'll save my 'Reggie should have told Abigail to go fuck herself, and died in Victor's place' pitch for another post.
#the umbrella academy#the umbrella academy spoilers#tua#tua 4#five hargreeves#tua fix-it#thoughts and concepts#klaus hargreeves#allison hargreeves
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Do u have tips on writing dialogue for peter and wade? I feel like they overlap a lot in their sarcasm and humor but how do u keep the writing as clever and snappy as u do:0?
god â i... this is kind of a really difficult question. bless you so much anon â i, uh. god. at this point, writing wade and peter is kind of just like, riding a bicycle. not a lot of thought happens, just... that's what they're saying in my brain. it kind of just comes to me. just like when i say my own dialogue. it's just a voice in my head that says things and i put it down.
i think... i think... god. it's hard to even really be descriptive over what the differences are in their humor. they're both self-depreciating â but i guess, peter's kind of more negative and biting with his humor. wade's more absurdist â wade's humor usually comes from him saying something entirely unexpected that shakes up the trajectory of the conversation or introduces some kind of revelation â or just, something that leaves whoever he's with at a loss for words. i think that's wade's goal with most of his humor - to derail, confuse, embarrass and deflect. a lot of the time he delivers it with a naivetie that makes you unsure if he's being sincerely stupid, or he's having you on.
peter's more negative. his humor is usually at his own expense, or at someone else's expense. it's insult-based humor. it's not naive and ditzy like wade's is â he has the intent to scold his opponents and make them feel bad in a direct-way, just like a punch. there's not a lot of room for interpretation with what peter says - very, very often he just says what he feels and what he thinks. whether that's about himself and his miserable little life, or how fat he thinks kingpin is. peter's honestly the one with no filter.
i think that kind of leads into this really fun banter dynamic they have that crops up everywhere i write them - when they're both in their best spirits - the back-and-forth is usually peter goading and teasing wade for being deflective, all the while being sincere and self-depreciating enough so as not to be threatening â whilst wade returns it with deflective sarcasm that should deflate peter's ego but peter kind of knows that wade says the exact opposite of what he really means, and that there's an underlying love to it that wade can't really hide. so they're constantly picking apart each other's insecurities in a gentle, loving way that they can both laugh at.
[x]
i think the really important thing about writing snappy dialogue is knowing the character's intentions in a scene â how they're feeling. how they want to come across to their conversation partner. and with peter, he's often apologetic or has the intent to goad sincerity out of wade but in gentle, playful way because he's scared of overwhelming him. so that's where his soft, self-depreciating humor comes in.
"i'm not a threat. i'm just a silly, messy guy who loves you. tell me you love me."
wade's intentions are usually to conceal - he's afraid of being vulnerable, but he also loves peter. so his dialogue is always mixed signals that keep peter on his toes. he loves watching peter try to keep up with him - and it only makes wade love him more that peter's so committed to keeping up with his bit
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â¨APRIL/MAY LISTENSâ¨
hi iâm back, iâve just finished my degree and do not have enough of a brain to write an in-depth of anything. but! hereâs some of what iâve been shoving in my earholes for the past month, in no particular order.
The Magnus Protocol â (season 1 ongoing) continues to blow my fucking mind. the sound design/music combo for this series is of particular note, it really just⌠mwah. elevates the text so much for me. i also continue to be impressed by how well this works as both a standalone series and as a delicious trail of candy for those of us who loved Archives. weâre halfway through s1 now and all i can think about is alice dyer.
Beef and Dairy Network â (ongoing @ 109 eps) a partially improvised absurdist comedy pod set in a world that is bizarrely obsessed with beef. my qpp listened to one episode and called it âdistilled british humorâ which feels⌠correct. iâll be real, iâm actually mad at myself for not getting into this one sooner, but on the other hand having a long binge of it has been divine. i would kill to go to one of their live shows.
The White Vault â (5 seasons, 10 eps apiece) not including goshawk because iâve barely started on that. but the main series⌠woah! god, i totally didnât think this was going to be my thing but i could not put it down? the first season is definitely slower than i usually prefer but the characters kept me hooked and by season 3 the narrative completely took over my brain. i also love how well they sold the found audio format, it WORKS. gold fucking star, highly recommend.
Jackie the Ripper â (3 seasons, 5 eps apiece) put this one aside for a rainy day and binged it all at once. deeply wish there was more of it. itâs a raunchy crime drama with a downtrodden detective at the helm who i SWORE i wouldnât root for but ended up doing so anyway. do recommend! if it sweetens the pot, the protag has the same VA as watson in the currently popular Sherlock & Co.
The Mistholme Museum â (6 seasons, soon to be complete) people have been recommending this to me for years and i just never got around to it, but on the bright side â it was an incredible binge. anthologies arenât my strong suit but i found the framing device really strong and, crucially, it develops a meta plot that balances really well. biggest strength for me was the narrator, but i canât explain why without spoiling some key plot developments. just trust me.
Wake of Corrosion â (4 seasons, final ongoing) very cool apocalyptic suspense/horror. i initially loved this show for the dynamic between the two leads, who are brothers trying to reconnect on a solitary camping trip when the world decides to go wonky. i ended up loving the worldbuilding as well. final episode drops very soon.
Neon Inkwell: The Pit Below Paradise â (miniseries, ongoing) this one has a bit of a western vibe and heavy religious/culty overtones, which isnât my favorite genre. but i think each of the main characters has been developed really well thus far. + many fun cameos from members of the production team, those are really fun to try and spot :)
Twits: A Steampunk Distraction â (2 seasons, 5 eps apiece) very silly comedy of errors from the pov of a bumbling aristocrat. canât say too much without giving the end of s1 twist away. i highly recommend it if youâre looking for some lighthearted listening. the ending credits are also very cute.
Planet Arcana â (ongoing @ 71 eps) iâm so bad at TTRPGs but this one has such a unique setting, iâm just captivated. tarot-flavored sci-fi adventure for anyone interested. iâve made it through the first arc and the party has already experienced a crazy amount of development; stoked to see what happens next.
Selene â (ongoing) anthology about a spooky little town with a vintage vibe. single narrator, quite talented. iâm not always easily invested in anthologies but the narrator here really sells it for me, and (!) i think he writes children â both their thought processes and dialogue â very realistically. which is my grandest compliment.
Camp Here & There â (s1 complete @ 33 eps, hiatus?) i put off listening to this for a rainy day because iâd heard nothing but rave reviews and they werenât lying. this is quite literally the ONLY pod iâve come across that completely captures the same magic that WTNV did for me on first listen. the creator is kinda going thru it so idk if s2 is going to happen but i really hope so. even if not, s1 is very worth listening to. itâs wacky and sinister and i just love the narrator, itâs hard not to.
Weâre Alive: Scoutâs Honor â (8 ep miniseries, complete) imagine WA from the perspective of some awkward tweenagers. whatâs not to love? the gore is really heightened by each charactersâ stage of emotional development. i especially loved the conclusion but i wonât spoil it here ;)
Among the Stars and Bones â (2nd season ongoing) sci-fi drama with a solid first season, really nice narrative tie-up, but the second season was SUCH a glow-up nonetheless! + the most memorable karim kronfli performance of all time IMHO.
#audio drama#podrecs#i thought that this would be a cute lazy sort of graphic to make and the layering was actually a nightmare#so i kind of gave up but i hope it looks. okay#anyway these are all great shows and iâm happy to talk more about them in future#iâll have a brain again soon. i think
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any webtoons/web comics you're really loving lately?
This is definitely a hard questionâŚ. I recently was rereading the TF2 comics because I am back to hyperfixating on that old gameâŚ. Theyâre EXTREMELY funny and I can only aspire to write this type of absurdist humor some day, and Iâd heavily recommend them. You donât need to be familiar with the game to read them.
Makanidotdotâs work was a big inspo to me when I was younger and still trying to identify my art style, too!
Hereâs a small snippet of one of my favorite scenes from the comics just so you understand why medic continues to be a god tier character
#mei responds#this is literally me putting a slice of cheese under a box trap for yâall Iâm so sorry#someone join me in my hyperfixation hell pls
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Writer Interview Tag âď¸
Thank you for the tag my kitten @savriea! I love this format â¤ď¸ no pressure tags to @lemonsrosesandlavender @forget-me-maybe @freesidexjunkie @blackstaff-blast @crystal-overdrive @notlikeparis xo
When did you start writing?
I was writing awful emo-type fiction (featuring yandere tropes that I didnât know were a thing) then got into fanfic around ?13/14? with Death Note. I think so anyway, itâs nearly impossible for me to remember what age I did what đ¤ˇââď¸
Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?
I enjoy literary horror and absurdist fiction, which I used to write more of but havenât really felt motivated to since venturing back into romance writing. I have a few short stories though from back in the day in these genres that I was thinking about publishing somewhere, but I wouldnât know where to begin!
Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?
Iâve always been inspired by Diana Wynn Jones and have been compared to her from before, but Iâm not sure I agree with that because I am nowhere near her level â that would be the dream, though! When I used to write more creatively, I very much tried to emulate Sayaka Murata, my queen. đââď¸
Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?
I donât have a designated space, but I do find it easier to write when Iâm commuting (because thereâs no wifi/signal and I have nothing better to do). So⌠the London Underground? đ
What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?
Being so bored that âI might as well writeâ, hahahaha! I have tonnes of hobbies though so, unfortunately, I donât get in the writing mood very often. đ¤Ł
Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?
I tend to always end up writing about depression and trauma, even when I didnât intend to hehe. đ¤ Write what you know, right? Tbh, Iâm unfortunately quite a pessimistic person who is more naturally inclined towards melancholy, so I think these things tend to slip into my characters. That said, I always want to make things feel hopeful and whimsical too â probably as a form of escapism â so I suppose that surprises me!
What is your reason for writing?
A loaded question⌠đ I wrote a long answer just now but deleted it because I couldnât quite properly express what I meant lol, so the tldr is: escapism, self expression, and fulfillmentđŤĄ
Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?
I love all comments â¤ď¸â¤ď¸ but also, if youâre writing mini essays under my fics, you have a special place in my heart.
How do you want to be thought about by your readers?
Hmm, depends on what Iâm writing. For the most part, Iâd like readers to think Iâm funny and enjoy my humour, and, of course, enjoy the story I create!
What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?
I personally enjoy my sense of humour in writing. My one-shot âGods Damned Gale Dekarios!â and some parts of HITMC have been some of my favourite writing Iâve ever done, and my short stories I used to write used tonnes of irony and absurdist humour. I think Iâm also good at writing about charactersâ inner thoughts and feelings â when it comes to anything external, however, I struggle. đ
How do you feel about your own writing?
I think Iâm pretty average tbh â enjoyable enough to read but nothing super special. I have a lot of cognitive issues that make writing really hard for me, especially when it comes to, like I said, writing about anything thatâs happening externally: action, the senses, settings, etc. I think I especially have problems when it comes to the all important âshow not tellâ rule, because girlypop has no visualisation skills. 𤣠But overall, I think as long as people are enjoying my writing, I donât see it as a reason to be hard on myself. Iâve kinda given up on any ambitions to write anything more than what I do now because my disabilities are too extreme and also getting worse with age, but hey-ho, it is what it is.
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[bursts into your inbox as if we were having a conversation you were definitely not aware we were having] -one reason we need more slightly more modern outside AUs is: how unhinged could the texts between Chico and Miguel get?? The possibilities for conversational wtfuckery with these two!!
(I'm sure for the longest time it would be the most short and uninformative texting desert where they barely go beyond "u hungry?" and "k" level communication. But there would be bursts of amusing absurdist insanity that goes on and on.)
Yes this was prompted by something you reblogged on another blog, and I came here to tell you rather than politely musing in my own area.
Wow youâre so right, we need to make miguel and chico millennialsâŚ. or we just need to give them cellphones lol
(for those wondering, the post I reblogged was this )
also i do think âkâ & leaving on read is miguelâs style of communication (toward chico) but probably only because i headcanon chico texting him like an insane person, both when he like-likes miguel and also when he hates him (bc that's hardly going to make him leave miguel alone lol). i could see him firing off an essay in single line texts and god help miguel when chico discovers audio messages (but at the same time, i think miguel would send audio messages more) (which chico would love because⌠come on đ). i think miguel is better at cyber stalking someone than chico tho (ok now iâm just going into my Technology Headcanons). just, like, miguel is better at researching than chico. but chico knows more about torrenting and vpns and anti-virus stuff. also his bookmarks bar has a bunch of porn sites saved if we're being real
idk, i just don't see miguel as a texting person đ I think he prefers face-to-face communication or talking on the phone where as chico who probably has a really aggressive way of texting and also he uses T9 lol
i also think chico would send truly indecipherable memes sometimes, not because he thinks theyâre funny (he doesn't get them) but because he just compulsively forwards every little piece of internet junk, clickbait, memes, buzzfeed quizzes, etc, straight to miguel, not really caring if he even responds or not bc anything he Actually wants miguel to see, he'll just bring up in person...
2 AU thoughts that immediately jumped to mind:
they meet as wrong numbersâlike, one of them accidentally texts the wrong new contact or somethingâthey got a fake number (haha), etc., and then the other person responds and they have a sort of curt conversation of realising they have theyre talking to a stranger before being like Whoops my bad! ...but then weeks later when the first guy (let's just say, chico - that' kinda what i'm imagining anyway) mistakenly texts miguel again bc he never deleted the contact info. and he's like totally shitfaced too so he just ends up calling miguel and being like HEY Come get me. I'm at xyz location!! ⌠and thatâs how they meetâbecause Miguel is moderately bored and curious and he thinks Chico will have drugs đ (maybe heâs mentioned it idk) (anyway he does have them) ...
dating app AU (cough hook up app) đ they chat/sext for a long time more as like friends for a while... idk, some people you just sort of end up befriending and having longer running fun conversations with / gossip about your other hook-ups on the app bc there's more to it in a way. they end up exchanging actual phone numbers and chatting bc they have a lot in commonâeven know the same clubs and know they don't live that far apart, but they just don't meet up right away. And then it gets kind of weird bc at a certain point, they're more lookng forward to meet up but then it's like damn, what if the spark isn't there in person đľâđŤ what if they meet up, have sex, and then never text each other again or it all falls apart or something. And then something something, when they finally go Fuck It and decide to meet up and get it over with, they get completely sidetracked (just gotta do a minor job real quick! swing by a location!) in a Date Ends Up With Them Almost Getting Shot and Running For Their Lives type way. but good news: even though they bicker like hell in person, and each find the other vaguely infuriating, the spark is definitely there đ
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