#god Gianni fucking killed it at Gabriel

[vilelittlecritter]

"Machine... I will cut you down, break you apart, splay the gore of your profane form across the STARS! I will grind you down until the very SPARKS CRY FOR MERCY! My hands shall RELISH ENDING YOU... HERE! AND! NOW!"

My stupid ass:

[outtox1cated]

A little while ago, i had a dream about going to the theaters with my friends to watch 'Ultrakill: The Movie', directed and written by... Adam Sandler.? I can't recall exactly what happened in it but god it was an absolute fever dream and i ironically wish it was real (funnily enough Adam sandler didn't even show up at all, i just knew that he made the movie. or my friends said so. idk anymore)

The movie was basically about V1 going to Hell to gather up like all of the characters in Ultrakill to defeat this random supervillain who wants to destroy Earth because humanity wasn't extinct yet somehow and this guy is just.. tired of everything and he just popped out of nowhere to kill everyone? the majority of the things that happened is V1 just hanging out in Hell and later on Earth with its squad (V2, Gabriel, Minos, Ferryman, Sisyphus and this guy*? who the hell is this???)

^ *this is how the The Guy in question looked like. literally where did you come from

Nobody was bothered by the fact that they looked.. uh. a "little" different compared to humans so they could do anything without a problem (aside from, y'know. murder), until the supervillain showed up and revealed himself to be Jimmy Motherfucking Neutron. After a 15 minute long fight scene, Jimmy won against all of them SOMEHOW and was about to crush V2's head with his bare fucking hands, but Mirage appeared out of nowehere, pulled out a laser weapon from the area (she would probably do that but girl what the fuck how dare you jumpscaring me like that) and penis blasted Jimmy to death.

Next thing i remember there was a time skip and the squad was doing their own things at a house and everyone was doing perfectly fine (except The Guy i guess) despite being beaten up by a 10 year old who gained godly powers out of nowhere. and if you thought this wouldn't get any more unhinged, i'm so sorry but this is the worst (and best) part- Mirage and V2 was looking at @canon-gabriel-quotes's blog and was listening to an audio on max volume of V1 repeatedly making metal pipe sounds while Gabe is quietly whimpering, then shouted "OH FUCK YES, I'M FINALLY REACHED MYULTIMADE OOMFIE FORM" (??????). everyone in the room looked at Gabe in confusion and disgust at the same time, then tried to figure out if him and V1 actually did it or it is Gianni being a little silly again because Gabe just couldn't say a thing. suddenly, the two started making out without a warning, then everything morphed into a painting that looked like something Salvador Dalí would make andddddd end credits roll... but the image of V1 and Gabriel making out was in the background for the whole time until the film ended. everyone in the theater was sobbing their eyes out, except me and my buddies who were silently sitting in our seats, trying to process what the fuck did we just watch.

then i woke up to a stomach ache

so yeah i think i need to see a therapist very urgently-

[theguywithaoriginalname]

Ultrakill holds a special little place in my heart right besides Terraria, Tf2, Hollow Knight and Elden Ring. Mostly because (spoilleerrrsss play the goddamn gaaameeee):

The Music. You can't tell me ORDER or TENEBRE ROSSO SANGUE don't go fucking apeshit hard. You don't know the feeling of adrenaline fuckin PUMPING through your veins whilst Listening to The Cybergrind and ULTRAKILLING some fucking demon SCUM. Which leads straight into my next point.

2. The Enemies. If you're even trying to tell me that Gabriel or Minos Prime aren't the coolest fucking Bosses you've EVER seen, then i don't think you have ever played against these masterpieces. Gabriel in act 1 is just doing his duties, being god's will, slightly pissed off because you killed 3 entire layers filled with sinners. Once you defeat him, he runs away because fuck this, he ain't dying yet. Which was one of the greatest mistakes he could have made, because The Council just cut off God's Flame from him so he dies in 24 Hours. So in Heresy, he is PISSED. He doesn't accept dying because some fucking GOPRO exists, and his rage is so high, that the entire Layer of Heresy became red. But once he reaches second phase, he gets calms down a bit, laughing at the machine because that's the best we got. And he somehow becomes MORE difficult. So we defeat him and he ain't even angry. Confused at best. So he sits down at the campfire and thinks like "oh shit god is dead. Welp guess i'm atheist." So he SLAUGHTERS The Council. And we will likely find out in Act 3: GODFIST SUICIDE (Which is the hardest fucking name for an act) what happens to our Christian/Atheist Boi. Minos was just a king. Ruler of Lust. He decided "oh shit maybe loving one of god's creations shouldn't be punished with eternal torture." So he makes an entire fucking renaissance for an entire Layer, before Gabriel comes down and just fucking kills him, before noticing he's becoming a (Amazon) Prime Soul. So Gabriel locks him up inside a fucking flesh prison. And Minos Prime goes so fucking hard. He wants to punish Heaven for what they did to innocent people, but since you did, y'know, kill entire layers multiple times to P-Rank them, he decides you need judging. And hoooh boy is he good at that. His attacks are coordinated and powerful, fast aswell. Y'know we got attacks like "Die!" which is foreshadowing to what you're going to do times about 900, give or take.

3. The Story. Okay I'm not a big lore guy so just watch some youtube videos and you should be catched up. Or play the game. You must. This is an order.

Tl;Dr: Hakita fucking overdid himself with this masterpiece of a game. Also they got fucking GIANNI MATRAGRANO FOR GABRIEL WOOOOOOOO