#go flirt with the local tailor instead he’ll humor you

[exasperatedoctopus]

Me, watching season one Julian crash and burn after shooting his shot with Dax Every. Single. Episode:

[bytheangell]

5 Things to Put in a Pentagram to Summon Raphael Santiago

(Read on AO3) Square Filled: Pentagram for @shadowhunterbingo Pairing: Saphael (Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago) Rating: Teen and Up  – Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Tags: fluff, fluff and humor  Summary:  Simon, desperate for any hint of what Raphael likes in an attempt to flirt with him, resorts to memes in a subtle attempt to trick the answers out of him.  -------------

Simon sends another one of those ‘about you’ sorts of memes to Raphael - this one is meant to be a list of choose ‘this’ or ‘that’ options, except Raphael doesn’t answer any of them and instead sends a wall of text back about why anyone would choose either of those options, or that he hasn’t even heard of the actors or shows listed, and-

Simon sighs, dropping his phone onto his chest as he sits on Clary’s sofa.

“Trouble in paradise?” Clary asks, raising an eyebrow.

“It isn’t working,” Simon says with another dramatic sigh. “I keep sending him those question memes to try and find out something he likes that I can use, but he just keeps criticizing them instead of giving me anything to work with.”

“You could just ask him,” Clary points out.

Simon balks at the idea. “Oh, yeah, sure, because it’s so simple. Let me just go up to the leader of the vampire clan and ask him what his favorite flowers are so I can get them for him.”

“It’s clearly better than sending him memes that ask if he prefers roses or carnations,” Clary points out.

“Because the answer is neither, they’re both so cliche,” Simon offers. “At least I’m getting a great idea of what he doesn’t like. Soon I’ll be able to narrow it down, right?”

Simon flips through his social media, his eyes catching on another meme - but this one is perfect. It’s practically fate that he finds it now of all times.

“Clary, I got it!” he yells victoriously, jumping off of the sofa to walk over and shove his phone in her face.

“The pentagram meme?” Clary asks dubiously. “Why is this your sudden revelation when all the others failed?”

“Because,” Simon says. “5 Things to Put in a Pentagram to Summon Me. It’s flawless. He’ll tell me five of his favorite things, or at least five things he at least vaguely likes, and I can use that!”

Simon hits send and waits. He knows Raphael is meeting with Magnus so he’s probably too busy to keep checking his phone, but whenever he does get it--

Simon’s phone dings and he opens the message from Raphael immediately.

His face falls.

Raphael- ...why would you need 5 things, you know all it takes is grave dirt to summon a vampire, right? You don’t even need a pentagram.

Simon sighs. “Fine, you were right. I give up.”

-------------

Raphael’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he doesn’t have to check to know that it’s Simon. Again.

“Are you going to see who it is?” Magnus asks. “It could be important.”

“Or it could be Simon with another ridiculous question game,” Raphael counters. He does check his phone because he’s the leader of the Brooklyn Vampire Clan and the one time he decides to ignore his phone would be the time the Dumort ends up on fire or something, but he only proves himself right when he sees Simon’s name and opens the message to find something about a pentagram.

“This is the fourth one this week,” Raphael mutters as he types out the obvious answer to what would be needed to summon him anywhere, which Simon definitely already knows.

“What are they, exactly?” Magnus asks. There’s something about the too-curious, lead-in tone of voice he has that makes Raphael immediately doubt the innocence of the question.

“They’re questions… ridiculous ‘would you choose this or that’ questions, or pointless lists of favorites, or this… honestly, I don’t even know what this last thing one is.”

Magnus hums to himself, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips.

“What?” Raphael demands. He doesn’t like that look at all.

“Can I see them?” Magnus asks, holding his hand out expectantly. Raphael can’t imagine how it would hurt so he hands his phone over, and watches as the smirk on Magnus’ face only spreads the more he scrolls down. “Oh, that poor boy,” Magnus mutters to himself while laughing. “Raphael, I don’t know how to break it to you… but I believe our dear Simon has a crush on you.”

Raphael nearly chokes on the air he doesn’t need to breathe, an instinctive reaction of shock. “I beg your pardon?”

“He’s trying to find out things you like,” Magnus points out, like it should be the most obvious conclusion to draw. “This last one? ‘5 Things to Put in a Pentagram to Summon Me?”

“A ridiculous question, you know that-”

“Yes, yes. But this isn’t meant to be realistic, it’s a silly mundane meme. You were supposed to tell him your five favorite things. And I’ll bet you any money if you did, he’d find a way to get them for you.”

“Why wouldn’t he just say he likes me? Or ask me what I like?” Raphael says, grabbing his phone back and scrolling through the messages from Simon again. With that new idea in mind, he can see what Magnus is implying even if he doesn’t quite believe it or understand it.

“I mean… you are a little intimidating.”

“I am not,” Raphael says, but knows the words are a lie before he finishes them. Perhaps he is a little intimidating, but it comes with the territory. But also, perhaps he’s been a little extra dismissive of Simon lately, in no small part because he hasn’t known what to do with how close Simon keeps trying to get to him. At least now he knows why.

“I should call him and ask if he’s trying to flirt with me,” Raphael decides. The moment he goes to pull up Simon’s number his phone is snatched from his hands.

“Absolutely not, you’ll scare him off forever. He’ll never admit it like that,” Magnus explains with a shake of his head.

“Then what do you propose I do?” Raphael sighs. He’s entirely out of his element here.

“Well,” Magnus starts slowly. “If you’re not entirely opposed to the idea…” he lets the sentence fall off in a question and Raphael groans at the realization that Magnus is going to make him say it out loud.

“I’m not. He’s… endearing. In his own way.”

“I thought so,” Magnus beams. “In which case, you answer his pentagram question. Give him five things to woo you with.”

“Okay. I can do that.” Raphael takes his phone back and considers his answer thoroughly before typing.

Raphael: But if we’re ignoring the laws of vampire summoning, then I suppose my pentagram would be made of my car, a very strong bloody mary, a well-tailored suit, Charlie Chaplin movies, and the smell of my mother’s cooking.

He isn’t sure what Simon is going to do with that information, but at least now he can get on with the actual business he came here to discuss with Magnus.

-------------

It takes Simon a few days to get everything he needs. His timing, however, couldn’t be better. Raphael’s been very tense the last few days, with a new fledgling testing his patience even more than Simon had when he first arrived, tensions with the werewolves again, and that was all on top of his usual grumpiness.

The poor guy needed some time away, or at least a break from the constant pressure he keeps putting himself under. So while he’s out one night Simon gets everything ready for his return in the morning - he got his hands on an entire collection of Charlie Chaplin movies, a batch of bloody marys Maia promises are strong enough to knock even Raphael off his feet, and even though he’s set up a relaxing atmosphere with the piles of blankets and pillows carefully arranged in a pile on the floor in front of the projector, instead of wearing the pajama pants Simon so desperately craves he’s dressed in a very well-tailored suit. In fact, it’s the suit Raphael let him borrow for Alec’s wedding that he may or may not have very intentionally forgotten to give back. And, to top it all off, in the corner burns a candle Simon found called ‘Homesick’ meant to smell of Mexican spices and cooking.

He couldn’t work in the car, because how is he supposed to work an entire car into this definitely-not-a-date, but he hopes that four out of five is good enough.

Simon paces relentlessly, going over what he wants to say in his head a few times. He has a few lines he’s been practicing, about Raphael deserving to be taken care of and to be happy. That’s usually as far as he gets before it dissolves into increasingly panicked rambling about how he’d totally understand if he isn’t the one Raphael wants for those things, and even in his head it usually ends with Simon fleeing before he can embarrass himself too much, which doesn’t really bode well for how things will actually go when Raphael shows up.

All he can do now is wait.

-------------

Raphael is in a worse mood than usual when he gets back to the Dumort with mere minutes to spare before sunrise. He’s exhausted and frustrated, and beyond any limit on his patience after the full night of ‘territory debate’ he engaged in with the local werewolves after thinking they were beyond all of that these days.

“Why does the hotel smell like food?”

It’s the first thing that hits him the moment he steps inside. It’s faint from the first-floor entryway but present to his heightened sense of smell.

“No one knows. It’s coming from Simon’s room but he won’t let anyone in here. Just told me to tell you to go up there when you’re back, so I guess you’re going to be the lucky one to find out,” Lily says with a curious look on her face.

Raphael sighs. He isn’t in the mood for whatever miniature disaster Simon’s got going on right now, but he does at least go up to tell Simon as much before he plans on retreating to his room to decompress for the remainder of the day.

Raphael gives a single courtesy knock before turning the handle and opening the door.

“Simon, I don’t have time for whatever-” Raphael starts, but the words fall silent abruptly at the sight before him. He catches Simon pacing and muttering to himself in front of a pile of pillows and blankets in front of a projector with a stack of DVDs next to it with Charlie Chaplin at the top and a pitcher of bloody mary. The smell from before is much stronger now, and also a lot clearer - jalapeno, butter, cream, caraway, a hint of smoke… It smells like home. Not Brooklyn, but Mexico, where he was born. He can practically see his mother standing in front of him cooking just from the scent of it as he closes his eyes and breathes it in fully.

By the time Raphael’s taken in the little details of everything Simon clearly took the time and effort to gather and set up for him, Simon is already fumbling out an apology over Raphael’s initial outburst of annoyance.

“Sorry. I should’ve asked if you were busy first. I just… shit, just pretend none of this exists, and-”

“Is this for me?” Raphael cuts him off. He knows it is - it’s almost everything he listed out on his text to Simon the other day - but even as he looks at it he doesn’t quite believe it.

“Yeah,” Simon says, the smallest hint of a hopeful smile making its way back onto his face. “You’ve just been so stressed lately, and I thought… I thought I could do something nice for you.”

“You’re wearing a suit,” Raphael observes. “You know, I never did get to see that on you when you borrowed it before. It looks good on you.”

Simon practically beams at the compliment. It’s a short-lived expression that’s replaced immediately with panic at Raphael’s next question.

“Is this a date?”

Simon sputters. “I... I mean, it doesn’t have to be. We can just… hang out. Or I can leave. And you can just relax on your own. In fact, yeah, you do that and I’ll just go now,” Simon says, the jumbled words coming out very quickly.

Magnus was right. Simon was trying to flirt with him. How did he not see it before?

“Simon, wait,” Raphael says quickly, before Simon can get to the door. “I’d like it if you stayed.”

“You would?” Simon asks, obviously surprised.

“I would,” Raphael confirms. “And I wouldn’t mind if it were a date. If you wanted it to be.”

Simon gapes. “Oh. Oh! Okay. Then… yes. This is definitely a date. I would like for this to be a date.”

Raphael laughs. “This might be the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a very long time, you know,” he admits.

“You deserve it,” Simon tells him simply. “Do you like it? And be honest. I can take it.”

Raphael refrains from telling Simon that if he said he didn’t like it he’s pretty sure Simon might actually burst into tears, though it doesn’t matter because he does like it, much more than he imagined he would. In fact...

“I love it,” Raphael promises. “The suit part was more for me, though. You don’t have to keep that on if you don’t want to.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Simon sighs. “Because it’s nice and all but I cannot imagine sitting through all those movies in this. Be right back.”

When Simon returns in jeans and a band t-shirt they play some of the movies while sharing the pitcher of bloody mary, with Raphael explaining that they’re his favorites because his mother would play them all the time while he was younger. She always loved how universal they were, being silent movies and given that she spoke very little English when they first arrived in the States and that they reminded him of her as much as the smell of her cooking did. Simon tells him all about the ‘homesick’ candle he found called ‘Mexico’ so Raphael can order more for when he’s feeling particularly nostalgic. They laugh at the silly, mindless comedy and by the middle of the day Raphael can barely remember why he was in such a foul mood earlier.

“Thanks, Simon. I really enjoyed this,” Raphael says when the movies are over, the drinks are gone, and they both need to get some sleep.

“Does that mean you’d want to do it again sometime, maybe?” Simon asks hopefully.

“Only if you promise to actually ask me on a date instead of sending me internet quizzes,” Raphael counters.

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?” Simon argues. “But fine. Will you go on another date with me?”

“Yes,” Raphael agrees. “But I’m planning the next one.”

“Deal,” Simon agrees. He hesitates by the doorway for a moment and Raphael can practically see him overthinking whatever gives him pause. Then Simon moves back into the room to put a hand on either side of Raphael’s shoulders, placing a quick kiss onto his cheek before he turns again and leaves.

Raphael refuses to admit how charming that kiss is. He does, however, grab his phone and send Simon the ‘5 Things to Put in a Pentagram to Summon Me’ meme. He has a second date to plan, after all.

It doesn’t take long for his phone to buzz with a text back from Simon and Raphael’s never been more grateful to be alone so that no one can see the entirely-too-fond look that crosses his face at the reply.

Simon: You, You, You, You, and You.

[bittlebarnes]

The Path of Least Resistance 1/?

Read on Ao3

Summary:

Is it so much to ask for your husband to love you? -- After his expulsion from Hogwarts, Newt tries to regain his family's favor by entering an arranged marriage.

Percival’s late.

Again.

Newt doesn't bother with a warming charm for dinner. Percival can heat it himself when he gets home. Honestly, at this point, Newt wouldn't be surprised if Percival didn't show at all. It wouldn't be the first time he’s forgotten to let Newt know that he’ll be late at work.

“Should Wendi be popping by Mr. Graves’s office?” The tiny house elf appears next to him. There’s a note of sympathy in her voice that wasn’t always there in their relationship. Newt suspects she didn’t find him fit enough to join the family she’d served for so long but as Percival’s begun spending more and more time away from them both, he senses a thaw forming in the wall between them.

“No need, Wendi. I’m sure he’ll wander home when he feels like it. We shouldn’t disturb him while he’s at work. The Director has more important things to do than be home in time for dinner.”

They’re coming up on six years of marriage if that’s what you want to call it. They married when Newt was 19, still reeling from his expulsion from Hogwarts and the subsequent damage to his parent’s reputation. It was a lucky match, a godsend for his family really and Newt couldn’t bear to disappoint them again. Between Newt’s marriage into such a prominent American family and his brother’s meteoric rise through the Ministry's ranks, the Scamander family was gradually regaining its clout.

So, he stood still and smiled, kissed his new husband, packed his meager bags, and moved his life to New York. He took a position working at the local university as a Magizoology professor and tried his best to settle into married life.

If that’s what you call this. Even living in the same house, he and Percival have never been close. They share each other's space and sometimes talk about their work, but, nevertheless, exist more as begrudging roommates than as spouses. Newt knows his parents are worried. A divorce would be even more embarrassing than his expulsion and he knows their lack of children is starting to look a certain way. He hears the whispers when he ventures home. Infertile. Affair.

When Percival doesn’t come home at all that first night, Newt doesn’t worry. He's irritated but not worried. There have been plenty of occasions where Percival’s gotten himself too wrapped up in his work and spent the night in his office He normally chastises Newt for even asking.

“I wasn’t aware I’d married my nanny.” Percival had chided him. “Funny, you don't look like Mrs. Numburg. Shall I have my secretary forward you my itinerary so you know where I am at all times?”

“Excuse me for asking for some politeness.”

After the first two days, Newt is more than annoyed. Percival hasn’t responded to any of his missives. Not even with a dismissive chastisement. After three days, Newt's furious, his notes to Percival’s office returning without even being opened. After four days, he's concerned. After a full week, he's striding into MACUSA headquarters to file a missing person’s report. This is unacceptable, truly.

The Woolworth Building is massive and maze-like. How does anyone who works here get around, Newt wonders? He wanders for about 10 minutes before giving up and stopping in front of a random desk and the tired looking witch seated there.

“Excuse me,” he says, “I'm terribly lost and need to report my husband missing but I'm not sure what desk to do that at. It would be wonderful if things were labeled.”

“Name?” She says in a bored tone.

“Hm? Ah, Newton Scamander.”

“And your husband's name?”

“Percival Graves. I believe he normally works in this building. Perhaps someone’s already filed one? Or perhaps you can tell me if he’s gone on an investigation.”

The woman is openly gawking at him now, her eyes searching his face for any trace of humor.

“Are you-is this a joke?”

“No, I'm quite serious. He’s never been gone this long before.” Newt assures her. Why would he joke about something so sensitive? “He hasn’t been home in a week and I’m highly concerned.”

“Um, let me see what I can do, Mr. Scamander.” She hurries to her feet and leaves him there standing there. Newt waits for almost thirty minutes. He tries to resist the urge to pace but being in a place as crowded as the Woolworth building sets his teeth on edge. He longs for his tiny office at the university and the creatures therein.

“Mr. Scamander, I found him!” He hears the witch call after what feels like an hour. There’s Percival, walking towards him in hurried strides. He looks fine, hair perfectly coiffed and no part of him visibly injured at all. He's dressed nicely like always in a well-tailored suit. The coat is new. As is that hideous scorpion pin. He stops in front of Newt, a wolfish smile on his face.

“ Darling ,” he purrs and Newt knows instantly this is not his husband. His smile, his magic, his eyes . How could anyone mistake this man for Percival Graves? He and Percival may not be close but he’d never describe his husband as cold. This man, however, he radiates a coldness, a cruelty. He keeps his face impassive as the imposter leans in to kiss his cheek.

Newt’s Percival has kissed him exactly once. A chaste thing in the middle of a chapel in front of their families. Newt has never asked for more.

“You didn't say you were visiting. We could have met for lunch instead.” The man wearing Percival’s face says. Newt his searching gaze and wonders if the real Percival is already dead.

“You haven't been home in a few days. I was worried.” He quietly says instead.

“Ah yes. The caseload has been heavy. Quite a few dark wizards running amuck.” Not-Percival says. “I’ve been sleeping in the office so as not to disturb you.”

Newts grants him a small smile as he reaches into his pocket for his wand. This simply can’t go on. They've attracted a small crowd of people, all anxious to meet their boss’s mysterious spouse.

“ Revelio ,” Newt whispers and chaos breaks out. Percival’s face melts away to reveal a furious Gellert Grindelwald and Newt is sure Percival is dead.

“You'll have to excuse the confusion.” He laughs, his voice sickeningly hollow. “Dear Percy never mentioned you. I wasn't at all prepared to meet the wife . A shame. I would’ve loved to shack up with one as pretty as you.”

Newt wants to kill him.

--

The find Percival in his office of all places after a lengthy search. He was stuffed into an antique teapot on the highest shelf. It was a difficult curse, they tell him, but they managed to break it.

Percival about looks as bad as Newt’s ever seen him. He's been cut up before but never like this. He's bruised all over and thinner than a twig. Grindelwald must have been starving him. The mediwitch looks up when Newt walks and conjures a seat for him.

“He's resting now. We're healing what we can and preparing his body to do the rest. We'll have him up back in working order soon, Mr. Graves. I’m sure you want to get him home.” Newt doesn't correct her, just nods and sits down next to the bed to wait.

Employees shuffle in and out always looking at Newt like he's some sort of freak of nature. They can’t believe he exists, they say. Percival’s married? And how in the world did he land an Omega ?

“I never knew he was married.” One Omegan woman whispers to him. “I feel like I should apologize for trying to poach your man.”

She still could , Newt thinks to himself. She's pretty, a delicate omega he's sure Percival’s parents would have preferred. He pictures his husband, flirting with women at work. Keeping them company on those long nights he's away on business .

He tries not to feel bitter about it. Theirs is a marriage of convenience after all. He gets to his feet and decides to head back to the university. Percival’s safe. Moping will do him no good. Percival probably wouldn’t appreciate him lurking.

Newt’s taking a nap at home when he gets word that Percival’s finally awake. He dresses quickly and apparates back to the Woolworth building. When he reaches the medical ward, he sees that Percival is sitting up on his own, whispering quietly to the woman to which Newt reported him missing all those days ago. Goldstein, his mind supplies. She’d looked so shocked to see him that day. She's awfully pretty and uncomfortably comfortable in Percival’s space in a way Newt doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

They both look up when Newt walks in, the woman quietly shuffling away. She nods to Newt on her way out but doesn’t speak. He tries not to be offended as he turns to face his husband.

“ Percival.” He says quietly.

“Newt,” Percival replies. His left arm is still in a sling but the bruise on his cheek has finally started to yellow. Overall he does look better. He’s alive at least and frankly, that’s more than Newt hoped for.

“It's really quite rude not to tell me when you're going to be late. Wendi puts quite a bit of work into a place setting for you.” Newt finally says, his tone placid. He settles into the seat next to Percival’s bed and crosses his legs.

“Yes. You've said so before.” Percival watches him with careful eyes. He keeps his tone measured like he doesn’t know where Newt’s headed.

“I assume it won't happen again?”

Percival grants him a rueful smile. “No. It won't,” he says.

He carefully avoids focusing on Percival’s shaking hands and instead says, “I'm glad you're safe,” in a quiet voice.

Percival lets out an exhausted sigh. He looks so much older, Newt thinks to himself. He’s always found Percival quite handsome, never looking quite his age but today, today Newt sees every one of those years bearing down on him.

“It's my understanding that that's thanks to you,” Percival says. “My being safe and all.”

“I should have come in sooner. The day after you didn’t come home.”

“Why would you?” Percival snorts. Why would he indeed? Percival’s never invited him into his workspace. His worries have always been met with annoyance or irritation.

“Well, in any case, I'm glad you're alright.” Newt tries to shake what if ’s from his mind. Percival is fine and Grindelwald’s headed to prison. It could have been so much worse but it isn’t .

“I'm alive.” Percival tries to shrug and winces as he leans back into his pillows. “I’ll be glad when I finally get to return home.”

“Director Graves?” A mediwitch pokes her head in between the curtains separating them from the rest of the ward. “If you’re up to it, the President is here to debrief you.”

Percival goes stiff as a board.

“Yes, of course, send her in immediately.” Newt wonders if he should leave. Madam Seraphina Picquery strides into the little makeshift room, the picture of grace.

“Director Graves,” she greets him, “you’re looking better.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“And feeling better?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. It's our understanding that Grindelwald impersonated you for at least three weeks. We're not sure what he managed to accomplish in that time but we're investigating. As soon as you're up to it, we'd like you back in action to mitigate the damage, Director.” President Seraphina Picquery is, even more, intimidating in person. She doesn’t spare Newt so much as a glance.

“As soon as I’m back on my feet I’ll be back in the office Madam President,” Percival assures her. Newt wants to protest but knows it’s not his place. He bites his tongue and instead studies the bestiary he’s brought with him even more closely.

“That’s good to hear, Percival. MACUSA stands behind you and all of us are wishing you,” her eyes cut to Newt, “and your family the best. If you find yourself in need of anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Percival thanks her again and she takes her leave.

“Mr. Graves and...Mr. Graves,” The mediwitch pokes her head back in, “I have some instructions for your home care.”

She hands Newt a regimen of potions as well as instructions to return in the next few days to monitor Percival’s progress. Newt accepts the directions with as level a head as he can muster. There’ve been so many people in and out, all with eyes judging him. What are they thinking, he wonders. Is he fit to be Percival’s spouse? He's never been exactly desirable. Shoulders too wide, hips too narrow. He was far too tall for any Alpha’s attention. Even with his marriage to Percival, it wasn’t like the older man was attracted to him.

“Shall we head home then?” Percival’s voice penetrates his reverie.

“Yes of course. I’m sure your parents are anxious to hear from you. It’s all over the papers and I haven’t had much time to respond to letters.”

“Wonderful.” Percival begrudgingly accepts Newt’s help getting himself up out of the hospital bed.

“Let’s get you home,” Newt says softly. Percival’s recovery will take time, he knows, but Newt is determined to offer as much support as he’ll allow.

[thislovelylady]

@fiircbird I told you I’d do it. I changed some of the roles we discussed to make it fit characters better. Also any song titles labeled with * are subject to change depending on the content. I will rewrite the songs...tomorrow. lmao.

Phoenix Wright has everything going for him: Born into a wealthy upper-class family in Los Angeles, he was given plenty of opportunities to succeed in life. Presently, he is a double Art & Theatre Major, President of the prestigious Alpha Pi fraternity, and dating the love of his life -- Dahlia "Dollie" Hawthorne.

ACT 1

Our story begins with some of Phoenix's fraternity brothers, Larry, Ronnie, and Wocky excitedly discussing their President's plan to propose to Dahlia ("Oh my god you guys"). They go to surprise him with good luck booze, only to find his room empty. Larry then recalls that Phoenix was getting a tailored suit for the occasion, and the three rush over to go and support him.

The scene cuts to Phoenix in a dressing room, still unsure about the suit. As he contemplates, Larry and the others show up and they go on about their excitement.

Off to the side, a sales associate Frank Sawhit muses to himself that rich boys are stupid and attempts to make a quick commission charge. Phoenix, however, proves he isn't as gullible as he may look. Another associate rushes in and takes over, apologizing and offering him the perfect blue suit instead. Armed with this, Phoenix feels confident enough to pop the question to Dahlia tonight.

Dahlia arrives at his fraternity house later that evening, and with his brothers giving him encouraging gestures, he whisks her away to a romantic restaurant. There, Dahlia starts talking about the future ("Serious") and Phoenix gets himself hyped up to get out the ring. Before he can, however, she says they should break up. He tries to get her to change her mind, even bringing out the ring -- but that only makes her leave immediately.

Phoenix is devastated and sulks for days, and his brothers and other friends attempt to console him ("Hey Ace Of Alpha Pi"). They finally get him out of his room and into the main room, where they have some girls over (including Mia, Maya, and Ema). They hang for a bit and Phoenix seems to be doing well until a show comes on interviewing Diego Armando, a famous lawyer known for both his charm and skill in the courtroom. Seeing how the reporter fawns over him, Phoenix has an epiphany: Become an attractive, successful lawyer to win Dahlia back ("What You Want)!

With guidance from Mia and a lot of hard work, Phoenix forksakes his senior spring break and studies enough to pass the LSAT with qualifying scores to get into Harvard Law. Instead of writing a personal essay, he leads a bunch of his friends into a musical performance into the Harvard admission offices to inspire the department (consisting of its lead, Grossberg, and two aides Penny and Richard Wellington) into accepting him. Eventually, they do, once he reveals he is motivated by love.

Phoenix arrives on campus, clueless but optimistic as he tries to find Dahlia. His classmates (including Edgeworth) brag about their accomplishments and refuse to help him as he seems out of place, but he manages to get help from Lenora, the law teaching assistant ("The Harvard Variations"). While heading to class, he bumps briefly into Dahlia, who's shocked to see him there. Later, they end up in the class of the infamous Kristoph, whom Lenora consequently aides for ("Blood In The Water"). Kristoph kicks Phoenix out at the suggestion of Matt, a classmate who turns out to be Dahlia's new boyfriend. This tragedy summons the images of Larry, Mia, and Maya -- his three closest friends -- to act as his inner 'Greek Chorus'. They tell Phoenix to persist against this new development ("Positive"), but he can't seem to get over it. He decides to go to the local bar, the Borscht Bowl Club, to drown his sorrows and figure out what to do.

While there, Phoenix spills his heart to Gumshoe, the ex-cop-turned-bartender who tries to give him some encouragement. He tells about this dream he's always had about Ireland and how what he thought was the love of his life turned out to be a huge mistake ("Ireland*"). But if he could get through that, why can't he? While they're chatting, Matt walks in with a few of his friends and heads over to the pool table. He sees Phoenix and, in an attempt to smooth things over, invites him to a pool party happening this weekend. Phoenix accepts, eager to get another chance to talk to Dahlia, and runs off knowing exactly what to do. Gumshoe affirms that he'll be all right ("Ireland (Reprise)*").

Phoenix arrives at the party the next night, only to see that he had been lied to -- it isn't a pool party at all, but  a classy get-together. He's humiliated for a moment as everyone looks at him like he's an idiot, but then he totally owns it and goes up to Dahlia. She humors him for a minute before dismissing him again ("Serious (Reprise)") and he leaves the party, dejected.

Lenora finds him looking sad in a speedo on a park bench and cannot help but inquire what happened, and he explains. Despite this, she can't really sympathize with him, explaining her own circumstances ("Chip On Your Shoulder"). Still, she agrees to help Phoenix study and get back on track and the two of them develop a friendship over time and gets him to realize that his desire to please Dahlia is what's getting in his way. After impressing Kristoph, he submits his application for the prestigious internship everyone is fighting for. Later, Phoenix and Lenora help Gumshoe get his dog Missile back from his ex-girlfriend, April May. Seeing their work pay off gets him even more excited about what he's studying! They chat more on their way back to campus, only to stop when they realize a group of classmates is crowding around Kristoph's office door.

Edgeworth is already walking away from the board, sounding excited and pleased with himself, telling whoever is on the other line that he received the internship. Lenora wonders why Kristoph posted it early -- and Phoenix runs to go check for his own name. He stops, however, upon hearing Dahlia and Matt celebrate they both earned the internship, too. In a spontaneous burst of excitement, Matt proposes to Dahlia. She's shocked, but seeing Phoenix there snaps her out of it -- and she accepts. Phoenix goes back to sulking, devastated again -- until Lenora points out his name's on the internship list, too. ("So Much Better").

ACT 2

Max Galactica is a famous magician known for his stunning performances ("Whipped Into Shape"*/). Kristoph reviews a video of Max's latest filmed performance with his team -- Lenora, Phoenix, Dahlia, Matt, and Edgeworth -- and presents him as their defendant, who unfortunately has been accused of killing his wife, Regina Berry. Sadly, he refuses to provide an alibi as to his whereabouts on the day of the murder. Nobody can get the alibi out of Max, up until he speaks privately with Phoenix, who recognizes him as a previous ALPHA PI brother. Max explains he was getting liposuction the day of the murder, but is terrified his fans will hate him as a result. Because of Phoenix's loyalty to his client and refusal to state the alibi, he and Lenora are shunned by the group. To cheer Lenora up, and to increase her chances of impressing Kristoph, Phoenix takes her to the mall to get a proper makeover ("Take It Like A Man").

Back at the Borsct Bowl, Phoenix is chatting with Gumshoe when a cute night security guard, Maggey, walks in briefly -- and then walks out, realizing she has the wrong place. Apparently she does this a lot. Gumshoe pines for her, but doesn't think he can get her attention. Together with the help of the Greek Chorus -- specifically Larry -- , Phoenix teaches him a surefire flirting technique that works on all straight women! Sadly, in the process of attempting the move, Gumshoe knocks Maggey out ("Bend and Snap"*).

In the courtroom we see Adrian Andrews, a witness who has allegedly had an affair with Max while working as the maid in his home. Max denies this vehemently. Phoenix gets a hunch that Adrian is gay, seeing as how she remains unaffected by his infamous smouldering look, but the group debates whether this is a legitimate line of questioning or not ("There! Right There!"). Eventually, Lenora gets her to crack by causing her to slip and mention she has a girlfriend -- Franziska, who is present in the courtroom at the time. Adrian takes it all back and the ladies leave together.

Later that night, the group celebrates their victory. Kristoph takes Phoenix aside and attempts to make a move on him, which he refuses -- and, upon doing so, he is fired. Edgeworth witnesses all of this from outside. A defeated Phoenix prepares to go home, even though Lenora asks him to stay, finally realizing that she is in love with him ("Legally Blonde*").

Phoenix drops by the Borscht Bowl to say goodbye to Gumshoe, but is stopped by Edgeworth, who convinces him otherwise. Edgeworth admits that although he found him obnoxious at first, Phoenix has proven himself worth to be a lawyer -- which rejuvenates his desire to return to the courtroom. Donning his blue suit, Phoenix leads a parade back to the courtroom. Along the way, Gumshoe and Maggey meet up and confess to one another, and his friends from college (Larry, Mia, Maya, Ronnie, Wocky) and even his parents have shown up to see the final trial day ("Legally Blonde Remix"*). Back at the trial, Max fires Kristoph and hires Phoenix, who is able to serve as the defense attorney so long as a licensed one oversees -- which Lenora gladly does.

The trial proceeds, calling the witness Ken Dingling to testify. Phoenix is able to find a contradiction in his testimony and unravel his lies, revealing that the witness purposely framed Max for the murder, as he had a grudge against Regina from years prior. Ken is arrested and Max is set free. Everyone celebrates together. Lenora turns to Phoenix, ready to tell him how she feels -- up until she sees Dahlia shyly standing in the background. Resigned, she leaves them to talk. Dahlia apologizes and tells Phoenix she wants to marry him, but he realizes that she never wanted to marry Matt in the first place. She was just looking for an 'upgrade'. He tells her it's over, but thanks her for breaking up with him as it helped him discover what he could really do ("Find My Way"). Dahlia is offended by the rejection and runs off.

Three years later, Edgeworth introduces Phoenix as the valedictorian of his class. Gumshoe jumps in to explain where everyone else is presently: Edgeworth practices family law, Matt dropped out to become an actor, and Dahlia found a wealthy husband in some other country. Kristoph ran for governor and was defeated, and Lenora completed a few trials that allowed her to get her mother and sister a nice house to stay in. And, of course, Gumshoe and Maggey are married with two kids and a third on the way. At the end of his speech, Phoenix proposes to Lenora, and she accepts ("Finale").