#given that i wanted to get people presents and also have basically been unemployed for seven months

[multiplekittens]

Next time I say it might be fun to commit to three projects with a tight, hard deadline, with one of the projects requiring me to learn two (2) entirely new skills, please bonk me on the head with cartoon hammers until I turn into a squeaky toy

[superman86to99]

Who’s Who: Sam Foswell

(art by @donsparrow)

If you’ve been watching the CW’s Superman & Lois, you’ve heard the name “Foswell” a whole lot, usually in an exasperated tone. That’s the jackass who fires several Daily Planet employees in the early episodes, including Clark Kent and, most devastatingly, Whit, the heart and soul of the Planet. In the comics, Foswell plays a very similar role, with some slight differences that probably won’t make it to TV, like when he makes out with a satanic being masquerading as an angel and then transforms into a muscular demon (someone correct me if I’m wrong and that already happened in the show but I missed it, somehow).

And so, for anyone who might be wondering “Who’s Sam Foswell?” or “Which DC Comics does Sam Foswell appear in?” or other Google-able phrases that might lead people to this page, we present the definitive comic book history of this classic Superman supporting character (”classic” meaning “he was in the comics I read as a kid in the ‘90s”).

Sam first showed up in Superman #51 (1991), soon after a storyline in which a satanic being/nightclub owner called Lady Blaze steals the souls of Jimmy Olsen and Perry White’s son, Jerry -- who is actually the biological son of Lex Luthor, but should NOT be confused with Lex Luthor II (for one thing, Jerry never slept with a gooey other-dimensional being shaped like Supergirl). Superman manages to save Jimmy and Jerry from Blaze’s hellish realm, but only one of them comes back to life. Unfortunately, it’s Jimmy. I mention all of this because, after the death of his son, Perry decides to quit being the Daily Planet’s editor-in-chief for a while and cedes that title to long-time staff member Sam Foswell, who must have worked in another floor, because we’d never seen this guy before.

It’s pretty obvious right away that Perry would have been better off leaving a janitor or something in charge. In Superman #52, Foswell asks Clark for help using Perry’s computer and seems surprised to learn that those crazy Kent and Lane kids are working on a story together (they’ve been dating for so long that they’re already engaged). In Action Comics #665, he has to beg Clark to go from freelancer to full time staff member because he’s just way in over his head. Up until now, Foswell basically seems like a clueless grandpa running a major media outlet, but he’ll soon become far less adorable...

Clark’s full time salary must be pretty good, because in Superman: The Man of Steel #1, Foswell says the Planet is suddenly having money issues and fires some people. Among them is Jimmy Olsen, who literally just signed the lease on his first apartment, so excellent timing there, Sam. But hey, at least this means Jimmy’s concern that his new editor would “bust his chops” was unjustified! (Because he has no editor, because he’s unemployed.)

(Fun fact: That other girl Foswell fires is secretly the daughter of a DC hero, as part of a storyline absolutely no one noticed, which I’ll write about another time.)

Jimmy only finds out he’s been fired in Superman #57, and he tells Foswell he’s gonna regret it. I’m not sure what Jimmy meant by that, but it probably wasn’t “I’m gonna spend several months homeless and living in my car until a drunken bar owner takes pity on me,” which is what happened. Anyway, on that same issue Foswell says he’s gonna write an editorial praising the Eradicator, who was in his “murder criminals and forcibly turn the Earth into Krypton” phase. When Clark objects, Foswell not so subtly threatens to fire him, even though he was practically kissing Clark’s ass just the other day.

Foswell goes all “Mr. Slate from The Flintstones” on Clark again on Superman #58, this time because he thinks Clark overslept, like he does every time Superman has an early morning emergency. While at it, Foswell also gives Lois crap about some expense reports, leading to an adorable sequence where Clark kisses her at super-speed while she’s being chastised, without Foswell noticing. After going around firing and antagonizing people for several months, Foswell still seems baffled to learn that no one likes him in Adventures of Superman #481. Yeah, this guy’s not the most perceptive journalist ever.

Continuing his quest to become the most hateable Daily Planet staffer ever (not surnamed “Olsen”), Foswell writes an anti-Superman editorial in Superman #59 -- he says that if Superman really cared about Metropolis, he’d take over as CEO of LexCorp and create more jobs. Ironically, Foswell treats his own employees so poorly (the ones he hasn’t fired, I mean), that in Adventures #482 a bunch of them go on strike start heckling him... not very effectively, but it’s the thought that counts.

Perry comes back to the Planet in in Action #670 and the first thing he does is call Foswell and the other higher ups a bunch of idiots for mistreating their employees. Foswell goes back to being a regular staffer after that, but he’s so unpopular that they finally kick him out in Action #677. Foswell tries to get a job at Newstime magazine (the DC Universe’s version of Newsweek and Time) in Superman #68, but the owner, Colin Thornton, basically tells him to go to Hell... which is a spoiler of where this story is going.

This is where things turn really dark for old Sam. The next time we see him, in Man of Steel #14, he’s at the cemetery visiting his wife and son (or someone else he affectionately called “Little Geoffrey,” anyway) and thinking about joining them. Even the Babadook is like “damn, poor guy”...

And sure enough, in Superman #70 Foswell actually jumps off a bridge -- only for a beautiful angel to save him and promise that his fortunes will change if he “pledges himself” to her. Later that same issue, Foswell runs into Colin Thornton again and is offered a job as Newstime’s editor on the spot. Everything’s coming up Foswell! He even gets a smooch on the mouth from that hot angel!

Unfortunately, Foswell’s new “angel” girlfriend is actually the satanic Lady Blaze in disguise. This is leads to “The Blaze/Satanus War” saga (starting in Adventures #493), in which Blaze tries to invade Metropolis by teleporting demons through Foswell, since his soul belongs to her. In Action #680, she convinces Foswell that Superman wants to kill him for firing his pal Jimmy, so Sam fully gives himself to her and becomes a big, muscular demon creature (whom this blog dubbed “FosHELL”).

In Man of Steel #15, Superman is told that the only way to prevent Metropolis from literally going to Hell is to kill Foswell. This seems like it’s setting up a big heroic sacrifice scene, which would have at least given the character a dignified end, but nah. Instead, Superman ends up teaming up with Blaze’s evil-but-less-evil-than-her brother, Lord Satanus, to defeat her.

Once Blaze is taken care of, Satanus restores Foswell to his dweeby human form in Superman #71... but only because he now owns Sam’s soul and thinks he might be useful some day. Oh yeah, and Satanus is secretly Foswell’s boss, Colin Thornton! So he owns the guy in both the earthly and the satanic realms.

I guess his new demonic master never found a use for the guy, because this storyline was the last time we ever saw Sam Foswell... until he was brought back by a TV show in 2021. And he also got new art by our own Don Sparrow!* At last, everything really IS coming up Foswell. Until the show kills him off to bring back Perry White, anyway.

*Foswell fanatics can see Don’s full artwork without that pesky logo in our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/51941393

[traumaconvos]

There’s a fear I have that is the core of everything driving my fear and anxiety. The fear that I will never be good enough. The fear that no matter how hard I work and how hard I fight to become a better version of myself no woman will ever accept me, let alone love me. The fear that I will always be disposable to an employer no matter how much objective value I add. There’s other stuff sure but this is the issue at the core of it all. That part of me feels fucking terrified that those thoughts are absolutely correct. The logic of the fact that these circumstances are the ones I’m living in are what keeps those thoughts present. It’s what triggers me more than anything else. Talking about it in therapy was difficult because it changed my entire mood which is why I’m writing all of this out. It feels overwhelming and all consuming to think that those fears are who I am. When I’ve talked before about feeling trauma in different parts of my body its usually a feeling in my chest (or strangely, my arms?) but this is like I’m completely and totally covered by it. 

That feeling is reinforced with women. The blunt truth is I was the problem for a long time - but the counter argument to that is that’s because I wasn’t socialized because my parents homeschooled me and failed to give me proper socialization - and because its hard to distinguish between when I was the problem or when the women were the problem, because I’m the only constant in the equation I feel like I’m the problem. This is on top of the logical, imperial, objective fact that I’m overweight and that’s a deal breaker for a lot of women. I don’t blame them for that. I’m not even really expecting anything if I try to pursue someone despite being so not confident in myself. Its more the fact that I want to be given a chance because I feel like at my core I know that I have a good personality, I treat others well and I would treat a woman well. I started badly interacting with women and doing stuff that when I look back now makes me cringe that I ever even tried because I had no freaking idea how to communicate with them. Looking back now that I’ve interacted with women over the years and learned more about communication I know that if I went back to basically any point in college I would have had infinitely more success. I know that and actually feel confident in it. To an extent I feel confident in how I can interact with women and make them want to be with me. But I don’t trust that they fully accept me. I’m afraid of being vulnerable because I’m still that kid who feels like he’s the base of the problem. Because I feel like I’m the problem I hyper focus that onto my weight. I know that even if it isn’t the the complete picture for why I’m single, its a factor. It feels easier to say that my weight is the problem then it is to acknowledge that I feel like I’m too fucked up to ever be accepted or loved. 

The feeling of abandonment with my family combined with the feeling of rejection from women plays into the rejection that I feel from work related purposes as well. When I got rejected from Storybrand, when I thought that I had a good chance, I don’t just feel the weight of rejection from jobs. I feel the abandonment. I feel the rejection. I feel the idea that no matter what my intrinsic value is, I’ll never be considered good enough. I’ll never be fully accepted. If I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing then I’m disposable. I think if we have to identify a core fear of anything its the overwhelming fear that I’m disposable and mean nothing. Yes that’s hyper focused in jobs because as a favorite saying of FW goes “everyone is replaceable”. I somewhat laugh because even typing that I see what a toxic environment it was. But that’s the core fear beneath everything. That people that I love and I care about will reject me, dispose of me, abandon me and ultimately replace me. Its the fear beneath everything because frankly its happened to me a lot. I know I’m not alone in that and I know other people have dealt with that. But all of the times I’ve been disposed of have left a scar and a fear where it might happen again. Every time it happens I feel like I, as a person, am meaningless and my life has no meaning. I’m not saying when I type all of this that I don’t have points where I feel accepted or loved, because I do. I’m just having a constant fear that those things will be taken away from me because I’m not good enough. To me, unconditional love doesn’t exist. I am one argument, opinion or screw up away from losing anyone. That’s why I’m afraid. That’s why I always retreat. Every time I have been rejected, abandoned or disposed it makes it feel like its more likely to happen again. It reinforces those feelings. Which is fucking petrifying. 

That’s enough diving into that right now. Its time to distract myself and respond compassionately to that part of myself later.

---

First, let me start off by saying that is completely and totally understandable. But the simple truth in response to your feelings is this: You are good enough and you do matter. Let that sink in for a second. You're so fixated and focused on the fact that if you do this, maybe you'll be accepted or be loved. No. You are accepted. You are loved. You are valued. The emotions that you've felt at the various stages make sense. Logically / cognitively you have felt those things before and those emotions were valid in that moment to process the pain of what you were going through. No one is saying otherwise. It also makes sense that all of these feelings would make sense at a time when you're isolated, unemployed and single. You know what's amazing though? You faced the core of your fears today and you didn't shut down for the entire day. Seriously. That's such a positive step to be able to identify hey this is an emotionally significant moment but you've learned methods to control it and shape it without it ruining you. Take a second and appreciate how much progress that shows that you've made.

Let me start addressing your family stuff with this very simple but very powerful truth: You did nothing wrong. Seriously, you did nothing wrong. Your parents raised you in an environment where you constantly had a fear that any action might lead to an explosively angry reaction by your dad. On top of that any time you started to find your footing emotionally and express the trouble you were having, the response was just narcissistic guilt that you weren't thankful enough for everything they were doing. Your emotions in those situations were valid. Your reactions are valid. You have a very strong sense of intuition and its usually correct. It's ok to trust that sense.  I know that the weight that you're feeling of not having a family is so damn heavy. But just because you've made the necessary and understandable choice to cut them off doesn't mean there's a problem with you. You were dealt a bad hand that defined a significant portion of your life. But you know what's incredible? You haven't let it define who you are as a person. You are constantly putting in the work to grow. You're actively making the hard choices to push past it. Family is, for a lot of people, something that is positive and irreplaceable. But here's the thing that you know deep down inside. You have a family. You are loved. You are valued. MM, GW, CG, AH, KS, CC and so many more people love you for who you are. They don't love you because of who you might become. Its not about what you do or anything you do for them. As a person, as a human, you are loved, valued and respected. It absolutely sucks that you weren't taught to feel that from your family but its also absolutely amazing that so many solid people love and accept you as you are, flaws and all. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the shame, pain, anxiety and fear that you feel isn't valid because it is. I'm going to say something harsh that you know but you've never admitted to yourself. You will never have a traditional family. You will never have the experience that a lot of other people do. That's ok. it doesn't make you any less of a person. That you have the emotional maturity to recognize that anyone, let alone your family, is so toxic that they can't be in your life speaks to your desire to be a better person and constantly strive to be more. I know that its hard but you should be so proud of yourself, cause, wow. One last thing about this part. I know that you were constantly in fear as a kid. With the way you were treated that absolutely makes sense. But in addition to saying you're loved, you absolutely are safe. Its ok to let go and let your guard down. Even if you don't know why specifically you feel unsafe and afraid now from things that happened 20 years ago, that's ok. You are safe. You are secure. It's going to be ok.

Just like I said before: you did nothing wrong. Because of how your parents chose to raise you it stunted you socially. Because you were stunted socially you had absolutely no idea how to interact with women. That's not your fault. I get that your feelings about why you're single are very valid and very real, but you can let that define you going forward. Acknowledge the emotions. Acknowledge the hurt. But don't let them define you going forward. I get that a lot of cliche advice is just keep trying, plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find it when you least expect it and so on. Going back to what I said earlier. Your intuition is usually right. Trust it. If you don't feel confident and don't want to date until you feel confident in who you are as a person that's ok. The person that you are today is so much more emotionally mature and developed than the person you were a year ago. It absolutely makes sense to keep investing into yourself and working to become who you ultimately want to be instead of the person you don't feel comfortable in today. But I'm going to lay a few harsh truths down. You (relatively) understand women now. I would dare even say you're comfortable with them and know how to banter. The traits that make you a good friend, and to an extent the traits you've exhibited to women who used you, would make you an excellent boyfriend. But its taken a long time for you to learn those appropriate boundaries. It's ok for you to not be at a place today where you don't want to date because you want to keep investing in yourself. It's ok to feel alone and isolated. But you've learned from where you've stumbled before. You're making the healthy and correct choice to invest into yourself to become a more complete person who understands their trauma more. You're not a fuck up. You will be accepted. You are worthy of love. I'm proud of you for the progress you've made and am genuinely excited at the idea of who you are working to become.

Before I even address this, I just want to say how healthy it is that you can even recognize that the rejection and abandonment you feel in the other areas has creeped into the career areas as well. But I have to dispel something I see as false: You are good enough. You are accepted. You aren't disposable. You have worth. You have meaning. Your life has meaning. It's natural that these emotions would pop up based on your background. But just because you left a toxic environment or relationship doesn't mean every relationship is toxic. You've learned. You've grown. You've succeeded in ways that the Jonathan of even 5 years would be impressed with. You do have friends who love you and accept you no matter what. That is unconditional love. I love you. I accept you. You are safe. You are secure. You are valued. You are irreplaceable. You are not defined by your fear. You are not alone. The pain happened. It's real. But the exciting thing is what's happening right now. The fact that you're able to not only accept that it happened but move past it. You're growing. You're developing. You're so driven to work past this. I love you. And I'll do anything to protect you. Just don't give up. Because you're just getting started and I'm excited to see you kick major ass.

[phoenix-angel-suyari]

I was gonna make a post about something else entirely, but I am so freaking angry I can’t breathe. So we’re gonna talk about this instead. 

Under a cut so people can get on with their days. 

I am a grown ass adult. Let’s just start there. Because for all my damn family want me to do the grown up shit like own a house and get married and have babies, they refuse to fucking treat me like a grown ass adult. Ever since I started going to therapy, I have been not necessarily healing, but maybe just shifting. Changing. My therapist is starting to help me figure out how to take back my life from their control so I can break free once and for all in a way they can’t undo. This however, is making it very difficult to live. And she is aware of this. We’ve discussed this. She warned me there’d be push back and I’d have to remain strong and hold my ground and I am trying so damn hard. But, like, I am unemployed and I have no money - I know, I know we’ve heard all this before; it bears repeating for the validity of this post - so I’m kind of stuck, like, seriously stuck. 

I have attempted to get out before and suffice it to say, it’s never worked out. My therapist knows about this as well, though whether or not she remembers is an entirely different thing - and we’re getting off track. Anyway, regardless, I have started to be stubborn about things. Little things, here and there, sort of where I can get away with them. But, in some cases - as ridiculous as this may sound, especially given the above statement of being a grown ass adult - there are still situations where I have to bend. 

So, all of this is backstory so you can understand the current issue. 

I can’t pay my Amazon Prime membership. I’ve been a member since the launch of Prime thereabouts, and I’ve always governed it myself, because I could afford it. When I lost my last job, I was able to pay for it for about two years - without changing over, because I had NO IDEA that was an option, so I was paying FULL PRICE - before I couldn’t afford it anymore. My mother offered to pay it, because she couldn’t be bothered to have/manage an account and I basically became her Amazon secretary. Which worked out for me, because I was able to maintain my Prime privileges all at the cost of being an Amazon monkey whenever she wanted/needed something. 

My mom retired last year juuuust before covid rolled in and forced everyone to stay home. Last year, incidentally, I learned that I qualified for the $5/month Prime plan, so we switched to that because it was cheaper and worked for everyone. However, my mother has been wanting access to the account. And I get that she pays for it, however, that’s not why she wants it. She wants it as a means to keep tabs on me and spy on me and control me. So, no, I’ve not given it to her. She started to claim she’d stop paying for it and I called that bluff and now we’re at another crossroads. Because I would like to buy my nephew a birthday present, and I don’t have enough money left on my gift card from Christmas to do that. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to use the credit I have that expires the 28th, because I have to make a purchase of over $15. 

Side note: For all who recall, this is essentially the garden issue all over again in new form. 

I honestly am so over it. And I absolutely refuse to give on this in any way at this point. Because she can stop paying if she wants. That’s her prerogative. She can absolutely refuse to accommodate any of the necessities I require. She can threaten me all she damn well pleases. I know if I give in now, I’ll never prove to her that I can and will be free of her. 

I just wish I had more traction from which to do so. It’s easier to fight when you have some security, you know? 

Anyway, we just had an argument on the phone because I called her three damn times and she ignored my calls. Only to call and tell my aunt to have me call her back - because she couldn’t wait on the phone? And when I called her back, she didn’t even hear out the reason I called her. Just gave me an ultimatum about the Amazon account and I was like, ‘Well fine. Then he doesn’t get a birthday present’ and hung up on her. 

But, I am like shaking and I’m really angry, but I’m also anxious as fuck, like there will be some consequence for this insubordination. And I can’t relax. 

I missed a session last week due to the weather and a mix up, if you’ll all recall. If not, it’s there under #my life if you wanna catch up. So when we were setting dates for new ones, I asked my therapist if I’d get penalized for missing it. Instead of answering me, my therapist asked me, “What do you think will happen if you miss a session?” And I legit started crying. “I know there’s a three strikes and you get dropped policy,” I replied, trying not to sob and feeling like an idiot. She replied, “Yes, that’s true. And you’re very punctual. You’re very good at following rules and doing what’s expected of you. But, what do you think will happen if that did happen?” And I said, “I won’t be able to come see you and talk to you.” She answered, “If that happens, all you have to do is reapply. That’s it. You just reapply.” And then she asked me how I was feeling and explained to me more about my abuse response and I’m supposed to come up with a list of things for next session to see what we can work on. 

But this, this is exactly it. Like, this is why. I don’t get room to breathe. It’s psychological warfare 24/7. Even when there’s significant distance between us. hell, ESPECIALLY when. 

I should probably call my therapist, but I know I won’t. I’m seeing her next week anyway. We can talk about it then. 

I just hate everything about this. 

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

There is so much to say about this. Much of it is obvious. It’s gross. It’s spiteful on Slott’s part. But the thing I want to talk about is how it was one of countless examples of plot over character. Of contrivance over logic. Of MJ being written like a dumbass so she wouldn’t realise Peter is not right.

When has Peter ever  spoken to MJ that exact way?

Never.

And yet someone I used  to respect on Spider-Man matters actually defended this moment.

The crux of their argument was that MJ wouldn’t have suspected anything about ‘Peter’ because of the situation.

As in, to MJ the stress and danger of his the Sinister Six going directly after him and his loved ones is what caused Peter to talk to her this way.

Let’s unpack that idea.

First of all, outside of jest (and even then only like occasionally at best), Peter has never called MJ ‘woman’ before.

Second of all Peter has never   insulted MJ in this way outside of the following situations.

ASM #122. This is perhaps when Peter was at his nastiest with MJ. I’m sure I need not spell out the context but for the record I’ll do it anyway. MJ’s friend, Peter’s would-be fiancée has just died. Murdered by the Green Goblin. Peter has come home to find MJ there. At this point MJ has seemed nothing more than a carefree party girl to Peter, someone who from his POV played with Harry’s heart and put the moves on him in spite of knowing about how Harry felt about her and how he and Gwen felt about one another.

He lashes out at her and viciously insults her, demanding she leave.

For the sake of argument let’s ignore later retcons about MJ’s past and knowledge of Peter’s identity.

In this situation Peter’s attitude is perfectly understandable and MJ was always aware of that. From MJ’s POV perhaps she has been out of line, but even if you disagree with that she’d know that Peter is emotionally devastated in this moment. He’s grieving from a immense wound that’s only a few hours old.

That is not the context for ASM #700. In ASM #700 he’s not grieving. From MJ’s POV he might be scared and stressed but it’s a million miles from being as bad as Gwen’s death.

Also this was when they were both much younger and when they had yet to have a serious romance. Before they shared a lifetime of trauma and tragedy that bonded them together and made them closer. That is surely a factor worth considering his actions in ASM #700.

Later in the same run we have ASM #127 when Peter chastised her for not turning in evidence after witnessing a murder. Peter in this instance was trying to deliberately provoke MJ so she’d get over her fear, get better protection for herself and ultimately do the right thing.

MJ herself might not have been aware specifically of what Peter was doing here. But the context was still starkly different to ASM #700.

Here it is MJ  who is stressed ad scared, not Peter. From her POV Peter’s insults are coming from a place of moral outrage not frustration or fear. With hindsight MJ would also know that Peter was Spider-Man at this time and so was looking out for her, someone very capable of handling the Vulture. His moral outrage would also make more sense in hindsight as MJ is in effect replicating his own mistake from AF #15.

So again, not a comparable situation.

How about ASM #318? This was when they were married. In this story an unemployed MJ has spent yet another night partying. Peter gets passive aggressive when he calls her out on this and they have a brief argument.

First of all, this instance is very different to Peter’s insults in ASM #700. He wasn’t being passive aggressive there at all and much more hurtful. Additionally MJ was running away from her problems and in the wrong in this instance. That is not the same thing as Peter being stressed and scared and lashing out.

Next up we have Spec #199 and #200 where Peter and MJ have two blazing arguments.

Noticeably here Peter isn’t insulting MJ all that much if at all. The context here is somewhat similar to ASm #700’s because he’s afraid Harry as the Green Goblin will target his loved ones.

However, Peter’s stress here is the result of weeks  of psychological warfare on Harry’s part. He sent Aunt May an intimidating present back in Spec #189 and ordered the Rhino to threaten the Parkers in Spec #190. He admits to this strategy in Spec #200

There had also been lots of other mentally taxing things going on around that time too, like Peter’s first encounter with Carnage, Venom’s renewed vendetta against him and Calypso using voodoo magic to torture him.

This was a Spider-Man who hadn’t just snapped into stress mode because of this one situation but had his mental resiliency pushed very far already.

Let’s also consider this wasn’t just some super villains targeting his loved ones, but an Osborn as the Green Goblin doing it. The Goblin/Norman Osborn hurt Peter in the most devastating way since his uncle died. For him to know his secret identity and to be using it to hurt Peter’s loved ones is going to hit harder than just any villains in general doing that.

MJ would know that not just because of her shared life experiences with Peter but because she studied goddam psychology!

The last time I can recall Peter being this scathing towards MJ was in Spec #211. Here he delivers perhaps an even more vicious insult to MJ than in ASM #122. He accuses MJ of knowing nothing about pain or sacrifice, merely running away from her pain.. He then equally scathingly suggests she go out dancing as she is want to do when she flees her concerns.

What makes these insults extra vicious is that they weren’t said by a younger Peter who’d never been with MJ seriously before. A Peter who didn’t know of her painful past. It was uttered by an older and married Peter who was fully aware of his wife’s childhood.

Again though, context is key.

This was set during the ‘Pursuit’ story arc. Months prior Peter had discovered his parents were alive and had been in a Soviet prison until the (then recent) collapse of the Soviet Union. Over time he’d accepted them back into his life and even revealed his secret to them. However, they were merely artificial imposters created to resemble his parents by the Chameleon. After they were destroyed Peter vowed to make Chammy pay and relentlessly went on the hunt for him.

So this moment from Spec #211 is yet another time Peter is grieving from a very fresh and very emotionally devastating wound. To lose your parents once is awful. To do it at a young age worse. To spend your whole life accepting that difficult. To find out all that grief and struggle was pointless because your parents were alive and abruptly back in your life? Well that’s emotionally confusing at best, if not a major gut punch at worst. To then put the work in to build a relationship with them, to learn to trust them, to let them in and open up about your most intimate secret? That’s a big step. That would’ve taken immense emotional strength to make yourself so vulnerable.

To then be betrayed after that, by your parents no less, to discover it’s all been a sham. That the work you put in was a cruel joke and to then lose your parents all over again.

It’s an emotional/mental scar the likes of which many people might never have recovered from.

Peter is not simply angry. He is incensed! He is very close to being in a murderous rage.

Is it any wonder he lashes out so cruelly and so unfairly against MJ in this moment?

Of course not. He’s not in the right but obviously it’s forgivable given the circumstances.

Again though, his stress is born from grief  and pain. No fear or concern.

So as we can see, past precedent shoots down the idea that Peter would talk to MJ this way even if he was stressed and so on. And MJ knows  that.

Shit, he didn’t talk to MJ this way during ‘Civil War’ when the Parker family were fugitives and Peter’s identity was public knowledge. There, as stressed and concerned as he was, he was often soft spoken and even romantic with MJ.

Not to mention what on Earth is there to even be fearful or stressed about?

MJ’s dialogue claims Peter is scared, worried for his loved ones. Concerned that he’s not up to the challenge of protecting them.

But like…it’s Trapster, Scorpion, Hydro-Man and a dying  Doc Ock.

Not exactly the A-Team are they?

Trapster is a loser C-lister Peter 9/10 can very easily handle and has handled in the past.

Hydro-Man is technically more powerful but you zap him with some electricity and he’s out. He’s really not that difficult to defeat even for a low tech Spider-Man, let alone a Spidey with access to advanced tech and assistance from HORIZON labs scientists.

Scorpion is in some ways the most deadly of these three but he’s also way easier to beat. You don’t have to worry about his malleable body or his sticky traps. He’s basically all about brute force and Spider-Man was able to clean his clock even as an inexperienced teenager.

And when he wasn’t holding back as an adult it was really no contest.

Normally Doc Ock would be the most formidable opponent here but he’s literally hours away from dying. This a very far cry from the Doc Ock who was powerful enough to manhandle teen Spidey in ASM #3

Or who outright intimidated Spidey when he was like 23 years old.

Spidey routinely beat Ock when he wasn’t backed up by gadgetry and HORIZON labs. Now he has AND he’s got time to prepare himself for battle AND Otto is on his last legs. As far as Ock battles go, this is an unfair fight. The cards are in Spider-Man’s favour.

Yes they are ganging up on him but Spider-Man actually fares better against groups of opponents because of his acrobatic abilities and spider sense. He is actually able to turn his opponents against one another if anything.

Again, MJ knows all this.

I’m not saying this situation wouldn’t be cause for concern but it wouldn’t be emotionally destabilizing Peter to nearly the same extent as many of the instances I spoke of above.

So MJ would be absolutely aware that Peter is acting very out of the ordinary here.

So the guy who claimed the situation justifies her blindness is full of shit.

P.S. Also, frankly MJ looks weak for saying she loves Peter after he chews her out.

[littleeyesofpallas]

Bleach - Name Games

Not a family by name or blood, but a kind of found family. (at least the way they were originally presented)  This time I’m tackling the Visored! And while I’m at it I want to address some of the broader thematic elements going on with their original character designs.  Buckle up, this is a long one... 

Hirako(平子) Shinji(真子)

Shinji’s name is actually kinda of a false start to this one.  His names read as “Flat-Child“ and “Real-Child“ but that’s keeping in mind that -ko(子) for “child” is actually just a really common suffix for names, and not one generally used to ascribe literal meaning.  (Typically because of its diminutive implications it denotes a female given name, but it applies neutrally to family names, and even generally is not uncommon in male names.)  So his name kind reads as “Flat Reality“ or “Flat Truth.“

But this one isn’t actually about the meaning of the words, it’s a different kind of name game.  As we all remember, when Hirako introduces himself to Ichigo’s class at Karakura High during his original entrance at the start of the Arrancar Arc, he writes his name on the board mirrored and mentions how he’s “good at doing things backwards.”  At the time it was a reference to him being a hollow (Remember that when Ichigo’s inner hollow was given a chapter cover, his “name” was Ichigo’s but written mirrored) and would later influence his zanpakutou, Sakanade(逆撫)

As an aside here, Sakanade(逆撫) has been kind of erroneously translated as “counter stroke” in English, which is technically accurate as a literal translation but is kind of needlessly vague; For one the word “Stroke” here specifically refers to the act of stroking as in petting, patting, or smoothing over, and not something like a sword stroke; secondly the “counter” here should read more obviously as “reverse,” “opposite,” or “inverted.”

Moreover, Sakanade(逆撫で) is an actual verb already, so it doesn’t actually need to be broken down in the first place.  The word actually means exactly what it sounds like as well as having a colloquial use as, “rub the wrong way.”  Yes, other than just meaning to literally “pet in the opposite direction” (as with petting a cat or dog from tail to head) it means “to irritate” or “to annoy,” (which the former action invariably does) and that is an apt description of Sakanade’s powers.

Anyway...  About Hirako’s name not being about the meaning: the joke is that whether you write the name forward or backwards 平子真子 -vs-  子真子平, you still get Shinji(真子) out of it.  As in, his name is still legible both forwards and backwards.  Plus both kanji, 平 and 真 have horizontal symmetry, so they don’t change when mirrored..

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Okay... let’s do an easier one...

Sarugaki(猿柿) Hiyori(ひよ里)

My personal favorite Visored, has a nice straight forward name Saru(猿) as I’m sure anyone amply familiar with anime knows means “Monkey” and the Gaki(柿) is the word for the fruit “Persimmon.”  The image of a monkey in a persimmon tree references an old folktale present in various east-asian cultures about a greedy monkey who cheats other animals before eventually receiving its comeuppance at the hands of the animals it has wronged.  In this case it’s reflective of Hiyori’s general image, sandles, track suit, decidedly tomboyish and unladylike; the “mountain monkey” is a poor, rural character type in Japan, not dissimilar to the American hillbilly of the Appalachia.

In that same vein, the name Hiyori(ひよ里) has a peculiar rural slant to it, in that it uses hiragana in place of the first component.  The ri(里) is a common place indicator in surnames meaning “village” or “hamlet” but like many Japanese surnames that reference landmarks like -kawa(川)“-river,” “-yama”(山)-mountain,” and “-da”(田)”-field,” the important part isn’t actually the locale but the descriptor preceding it; Which mountain?  Which river?  Which field?  Which village?  In the case of Hiyori, it’s not clear...  The fact that the village she appears to be named after doesn’t have a kanji again lends to this impression that, like the peasants of Soul Society’s Rukongai, the person who named her didn’t know how to read or write kanji.

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Muguruma(六車) Kensei(拳西)

I think this one has gotten pretty good visibility in the fandom already because of the relation with Hisagi Shuuhei.  The eventual explanation of Hisagi’s 69 tattoo would be that it was copied directly from Kensei’s, and that Kensei’s comes from a mix of his name Muguruma, and the fact that he was captain of the Gotei 13’s 9th squad. (Personally I don’t like this explanation, and I think there’s pretty reasonable cause to assume this was a later decision and not a part of Kensei’s original conception or design.)  But the reason behind that being Muguruma(六車) Mu(六) which is the Japanese numeral “6″ and Guruma(車) meaning “wagon” and later updated to mean “car.”  In the Turn Back the Pendulum sidestory, this name is played upon in how Kubo styled Kensei’s 9th squad as a Bousouzoku(暴走族) the term for a Japanese biker gang (although they often include sports cars), where the “Six Car” reading becomes emblematic of his gang.

There’s a lot about the Bousouzoku that is culturally specific to Japan, but much of the familiar American cliches do actually carry over.  One distinct aspect of how the Bousouzoku opperate however, is that they are predominantly a youth culture phenomenon, as any wide spread, organized criminal activity among adults quickly steps on the toes of the much better established Yakuza scene.  For this reason it is very rare for Bousouzoku to persist in direct group activity into their adult years, although often bikers become easy recruitment targets for Yakuza.

Kensei(拳西) is actually an odd one for me.  It’s both super straight forward yet somehow together really obtuse.  Ken(拳) for “Fist” and sei(西) for “West;“ both are pretty singular in their meaning, so it’s not like there’s any uncertainty to what each one means, but I can’t make heads or tails of the two together.  For one,  Ken(拳) is usually something you’d see put on the end of a compound, and when it’s used that way it tends to denote a kind of martial arts style or technique.  It might still be meant to read as “Western Fist” or essentially “Western [style] Fist” and Kubo just liked the sound of Kensei over Seiken.  It might be a reference to the fact that Kensei’s original design was largely reminiscent of a kind of military look and feel, with a combat knife for a zanpakutou, short hair, combat boots, and pants that look like they could be part of military fatigues. (the tank top sorta throws the look off, though.)  But this was a theme that was dropped by the time the Visored got reincorporated into the story after their long absence.

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Yadoumaru(矢胴丸) Risa(リサ)

...is another odd one.  Her surname, Yadoumaru(矢胴丸)  has pretty clear implications, Ya(矢) means “arrow” and dou(胴) means “hull” as in the part of a ship, and maru(丸) doesn’t actually have an explicit meaning.  The kanji does generally mean “round” or “whole” both in reference to a circle, but it is most notably a suffix used in naming both naval ships, and frequently boys.  Given the rest of the name the imagery seems clear, Yadoumaru(矢胴丸) is meant to read as “Arrow-Hull Ship.“*  And although the uniform has heavy ties to school girl aesthetics and fetishism (which in turn link to her preoccupation with adult books) the tie here actually seems to be to the origins of the Japanese school girl uniform as a modification of the European naval uniforms introduced to Japan in the 1800s.

*edit: I’m an idiot.  A Yadou(胴丸) is the sleeveless chest plate and skirt piece in traditional samurai armor, which also carries over into kendo sports armor.

Adding to this, the name RISA (sometimes romanized as LISA) being written in katakana and not kanji or even hiragana works together with the naval associations would seem to imply she’s of mixed birth?  Possibly the daughter of a foreign naval officer stationed in Japan, hence a Western name and a ship as a surname?  In fact, most Japanese ships would be named after some mythical figure or indeed named like a person, so the literal descriptor of “Arrow-hull” actually sounds like what someone would call a ship they didn’t know the name of, tacking “-maru” on to the end.

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Let me also take a moment here to complain about the fact that Kubo originally wrote Rabu(ラヴ) and Roozu(ローズ) as katakana, pretty clearly denoting them as the English words LOVE and ROSE and while those seem pretty implicitly like nicknames it also implied in conjunction with their designs that they were both foreigners.  So the fact that he retconned them to being nicknames based on more conventionally Japanese when he decided to make them previously SoulSociety shinigami names bugs me...  But that being said

Aikawa(愛川) Rabu(羅武)

Man, what is it with Kubo and black people and “love” gimmicks?  Zomarri’s Amor, and PePe’s The Love, Love’s whole thing...  The name Aikawa(愛川) means “Love River,” and Kubo’s clever shorehorning of kanji into the phonetics for Rabu that he’d already used for the nickname Love use  Ra(羅) for “silk,” but specifically a thin or sheer kind, and bu(武) for “warrior”/”soldier.“  The associations with sheer silk and negligee seem very intentional, so his name really is basically “flowing love, [sexy] silk soldier.“  And that’s it, it’s actually super straight forward.  I dunno why he looks like an unemployed slacker, in a tracksuit and sneakers, lounging around reading manga, though.

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Otouribashi(鳳橋) Roujuurou(楼十郎)

This might be my favorite as far as name games within the Visored.  The given name Roujuurou(楼十郎) means “Watchertower 10 Son;” Rou(郎) being an exceedingly common suffix in boys names meaning “son.” (this is incidentally how anyone with a rudimentary familiarity with Japanese knew for certain Yuushirou(四楓院) was a boy at first glance, where as a bunch of other people thought he was a girl.  In case any of you were around certain fandom circles for that whole drama...  More on him later though, because he’s got a fun name too.)  It’s not super clear if the arrangement here denotes the “Son of the 10th Watchtower [family],” or the “10th Son of the Watchtower [family].”

The surname Otouribashi(鳳橋) is a great little work of poeticism, where Outouri(鳳) is the Japanese name of the Chinese Feng(鳳) which in the most colloquial sense could be translated as “Phoenix,” but there’s a little more to it than that...

See, the Feng is itself the male half of the mated pair of mythical birds together called the Feng-Huang(鳳凰).  The Japanese pronunciation Outori is actually directly taken from Ou(王) meaning “King” and Tori(鳥) meaning “bird.”  The mythical Feng-huang is in fact king of birds, but more broadly represents a union of yin and yang, and is a common visual element of Chinese weddings evoking harmony.  As a part of this theme of unity it is said to share features of many different birds, and also of the 5 fundamentally opposed colors associated with Chinese daoism and fengshui: Red, Blue/Green, Black, White, and Yellow.  This particular feature has been tweaked over time to depict the Feng-huang as more broadly multicolored, and associated with the rainbow.  (it’s also the basis of the Pokemon Ho-oh, if that wasn’t apparent)  For a number of different mythological similarities, the Feng-huang have become erroneously thought of as “the Chinese phoenix,” but I’m not going to get into all that here...

So, getting back to the name, Bashi(橋) means “Bridge.”  The, again false equivalence based, but more easily understood translation of Otouribashi(鳳橋) thus being “Phoenix Bridge.”  But what is shaped like a bridge and directly associated with the Feng?  A rainbow.  His family name is just a really fanciful and kind of poetic reference to a rainbow.  In conjunction with the “Watchtower” referenced in the name Roujuurou(楼十郎) I’m tempted to take to the meaning of “10th [Floor of the] Watchtower Son” as it implies a high floor, and in the common mythological motif of rainbows as actual physical structures, a high tower would be the sensible entry point to a rainbow bridge. 

Also this is why he has a bird mask.

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Kuna(久南) Mashiro(白)

Let me just come right out and say that I haven’t got a damn clue on this one.  Mashiro(白) means “White.” Ku(久) means “long time,” na(南) means “South.”  She dresses like a super sentai character, specifically one of the original Himitsu Sentei Goranger team, and her mask is a nod to Kamen Rider, with its antenna and big round bug-eyes.  I don’t really see a connection with the name and the tokusatsu theme though.

Small aside, Tokusatsu is a genre of Japanese TV and film that was originally named for its emphasis on special effects like camera tricks and editing in post, used most noticeably in children’s shows like Super Sentai and Kamen Rider.  That distinction became less and less relevant as special effects became more widespread, and so it is now used mostly to refer to live-action costumed super hero shows.

Super Sentai is btw the source material for the American franchise, Power Rangers, from which Saban Entertainment originally bought the footage that they would cut together with their own original footage, and later from which they would buy the costumes in order to shoot their own shows from scratch.

Also of note is that Ishinomori Shoutarou, author of the original Cyborg 009, was also the original show creator of Kamen Rider and Super Sentai.  His work created the transforming(henshin) hero, the body suit and helmet aesthetic, and the heroic billowing scarf, effectively inventing the Japanese superhero almost single-handed.

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Ushouda(有昭田) Hachigen(鉢玄)  

Another funky one...  “[To] Exist [in] a Shining Field” might be the best way to read Ushouda(有昭田)?  Its really the U(有) that gives me trouble here, as it just means “Exist”/”Existance.”  And Hachigen(鉢玄) seems to read Hachi(鉢) meaning “bowl” and Gen(玄) meaning “deep,” “mysterious” and in certain contexts “occult.”  I’m not sure if that “deep” is really a physical deepness or just a sort of “profoundness” that would fall more in line with “mysterious” and “occult.”

Either way I think the general meaning is actually pretty clear, “bowls of rice from a shining field” evoke an image of kind of mythical field of magical produce, eating from which grants a kind of magical quality and sustenance.  In other words, his name is saying that Hachi is such a huge guy and so gifted at magic because he ate a lot of food that grants magic power.

I have no idea why he has the tux or the shaved hair though.  Stage magician?  Fancy gourmand?  But again then why the shaved head and the cross bones?  And Kubo did eventually come up with for him is strangely Balinese looking?  It seems reminiscent of Barong, king of spirits; A benevolent lion/bear monster that defends mankind from Rangda, the demon queen and master of blackmagic.  But apart from the superficial appearance and broad ties to magic, there’s not a lot really tying the two together.

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It’s hard not to just go off on all the weird little design choices, and loose ends, dropped plot points, and retcon’d details that surround the Visored in Bleach.  They really were just such a great concept utterly wasted by terrible pacing and some truly confusing priorities as far as publication goes, eithe ron Kubo’s part, editorial, or both...  But that’s a story for another time...

[meta-squash]

[Old Manics meta repost, originally written in 2015 or 2016. I was definitely in a....place....when I wrote this.]

Cue yet another long convoluted rambling strange post about Richey Edwards and Theodor Adorno. For some reason this has been rolling around in my head as half-formed thoughts for a while. They’re definitely still half-formed, but I wanted to get them out of my head and into something slightly more sentence-like.

[Uhh, TW for weird logic, ED-style thinking, and convoluted ill-formed ideas.]

In one of Richey’s manifestos to a zine in December 1992, he writes “THE GODS THOUGHT THERE IS NO MORE DREADFUL PUNISHMENT THAN FUTILE AND HOPELESS LABOUR. GROW UP, GET FUCKED, WITHER. NO ONE IN THIS COUNTRY KNOW HUNGER, TRUE HUNGER LIKE SOMALIA. EVERYONE HAS CLOTHES, FOOD, A DRINK. EVERYONE IS LAST, PATHETIC WRETCHED. THE ONLY FREEDOM LEFT IS THE FREEDOM TO STARVE. FILL YOUR HOME WITH ANYTHING YOU LIKE BUT YOU CAN’T INVENT ANOTHER COLOUR…” The “freedom to starve” quote keeps being attributed to him on the internet, or to Tom Morello, lead singer of Rage Against The Machine, who has a different but similar quote about capitalism and labor exploitation that includes the phrase. (It also appears in the comic V For Vendetta, apparently.) But the phrase didn’t originate with them. I keep seeing repeated uses of it when reading essays by Theodor Adorno from the 60s, and I’m sure the phrase is probably older than that. Morello’s quote containing the phrase is essentially summarizing one of Adorno’s ideas.

So far I’ve come across the phrase in two of Theodor Adorno’s essays. One is in “Freedom In Unfreedom”. In essence, it discusses the paradox of the idea of freedom in our current society. He essentially says that people no longer have a specific concept in mind when they invoke the word “freedom,” and that the nature of present society means that whatever concept of freedom we come up with is not possible because it contradicts current circumstances. He gives the example of early Nazi Germany, when an social-democratic organization took up “Freedom” as its slogan, but the concept and the term had lost its power entirely because employment was incredibly low, and people were struggling, so upholding freedom as a conceptual principle which implies self-determination looked foolish because in practice no one is free and everyone is unemployed and starving and unable to access food/wellbeing and therefore unable to practice self-determination. He says “In other words, freedom was exposed as the freedom to starve; people had direct experience of their dependence on society, a dependence that made a mockery of a freedom that was defined in purely formal terms.”

The other Adorno essay that uses the phrase is “The Culture Industry: Enlightenment as Mass Deception”. Basically, in the section that uses the phrase he discusses the way that the culture industry (or mass culture) exploits and uses artists by homogenizing them. He says “anyone who resists can only survive by fitting in.” Freedom is supposedly given to each individual (in society, in art, in expression, in culture, in the workplace) but if a person doesn’t inherit the ability or resources to succeed in life, then this freedom becomes the “freedom of the stupid to starve”. People who aren’t able to adapt to society’s expectations/who question or refuse to conform are neglected and made to starve, literally or metaphorically. The blame is placed on them for their inability/unwillingness to adapt or conform, because they were “given” the opportunity to succeed (despite that opportunity requiring conformity, or changing their nature, or giving up morals, etc). So a person who is unable or refuses to conform to society and culture and the working class, who goes hungry or cold (literally or metaphorically), is an labelled outsider. They retain their integrity, or their morals, or their original artistic vision, but they suffer through loss of wealth, or faith, or by being rejected and called an outsider and being mocked or no longer listened to. They are free, but at a price.

Applying this to Richey, I thought it was interesting that he seemed to be taking freedom to starve both literally and figuratively. “Freedom to starve” becomes a refusal to consume in certain ways, ascetism, essentially. It becomes a literal or physical manifestation of the neglect that occurs when a person refuses to conform to society’s expectations. It becomes Richey refusing to conform to society’s expectations of food consumption while also refusing to conform to musical and artistic standards by creating The Holy Bible and specifically pointing out the wrongs of society. The band having complete control over the album, hiding in their studio and working together without any outside influence pushes against the expectation of producers/managers/sound engineers/labels/etc having partial influence or control over the sound of a band’s music. Richey’s inability to adapt mentally to fame, to touring, to the stress of schedule, etc etc also is a sort of manifestation of that “freedom of the stupid to starve”, in that he was unable to properly adapt to what was expected of him in terms of fame and touring, and he was blamed for it and seen as strange for disliking aspects of fame.

This is where I get into some interesting, if problematic, ideas. Richey seemed to kind of take the idea to another level through his eating disorder. Freedom to starve/freedom of restriction essentially becomes true freedom because it takes back control of body mind and spirit. Richey sort of talked about this in an interview with Simon Price in 94 in France. He mentioned that people can’t hold you down and force you to eat/watch you all the time, and that your body is your own and you should have a right to do with it what you want. Essentially, self mutilation/self harm/restriction becomes a mode of self-control, a reclamation of the body from expectations of society. Society expects excess and encourages/wants consumption. In creating consumption, the culture industry takes control of the mind and the body by telling consumers what they want even if they didn’t originally desire it, saying it over and over and continually producing under consumers are convinced that they do want whatever they are being given. Self-mutilation, restriction and ascetism removes that and reclaims the body as owned by itself and its mind. It puts control back into the awareness of the self and the body and the mind, which forces the self to be aware of the influence of culture industry. This awareness allows the self to refuse that influence, the refusal of which includes those actions or decisions that go against the expectations or desires or encouragements of society. It also confronts the fact that society sees certain types of expressions of emotion/mental state as “wrong” or maladaptive and those who express themselves a certain way are marked as outsiders. Repression and restriction and stoicism becomes revenge for society marking you as outsider for expressing rage at unfreedom/expressing emotions that are seen as maladaptive. Self-harm or starvation becomes a reclamation of the mind and the emotions, and increasing of that maladaptive expression in order to basically reject society’s expectations altogether. Richey essentially says that when talking about his time in hospital; self-harm or self-restriction takes back control of body and mind from expectations of doctors and society – they can’t hold you down and force food down your throat, someone can’t be with you 24 hours a day, it’s my body I do what I want with it.

The height of this could be disappearance/death: refusal to participate “correctly” in society, refusal to “be” in society in the expected way. A rejection of literally all things. James Bradfield notes that a major theme in Journal For Plague Lovers is a rejection of experience, a rejection of expected lyrical formats, and a rejection of some sort of answer or truth. A realization that nothing seems to be working. A refusal to continue to consume or participate correctly or to express consumption or participation correctly, especially in that the meanings or messages of most of the songs are completely obscured through unconnected phrases or disparate references that take research to decipher. The idea is sort of expressed in individual songs from the album as well. All Is Vanity  asks questions of vanity extremes vs personal neglect – which one is refusal to participate correctly? Are they both refusal? Are they the same? Inability to adapt correctly compared to what is expected/right vs what you are doing and how your actions are called into question as incorrect. Discipline is respected, but certain types of discipline are seen as different/maladapted compared to the expectations of society or the culture industry, which allows for the question of which type of discipline is “wrong” or “right” and does it depend on perspective? Excesses are lauded in the culture industry, consumption is encouraged, as is vanity and obsession with the self, and ascetism or restriction and neglect of the self is seen as wrong. But extreme excess of consumption is also frowned upon or mocked. Society encourages a certain amount of excess and consumption in order to control and delude. In encourages and creates consumption so that the consumer doesn’t stop and thinking about how they are being made to overwork and overconsume in ways they probably didn’t originally want to be doing but have been convinced into by society. Refusal of consumption/vocal awareness of participation in consumption becomes maladaptive because it’s not what society wants, which is exactly the kinds of words and things the band was expressing.

And the idea of disappearance or death takes all of this to the highest level, in that disappearance rejects society’s expectations entirely, refusing to participate in society in a “correct” way. It is also expressing whatever sort of emotions or thoughts a person might have in a way that creates an absence (metaphorical and literally) rather than yet another thing to be consumed. Disappearance when a person is still living is a complete reclamation of the body and self because the person essentially is able to drop out of society as themselves, and even if they assume a different identity, they are still inherently refusing to participate in an expected way, still creating an absence of a person and an absence of an identity, and in using a false identity that refusal becomes even more complex. Death, too, and specifically suicide, is a refusal to participate in society, but in a much more final way. Suicide is yet another reclamation of the body, since it is by one’s own hand and willpower that one’s life is taken, not through illness or another person or old age. It creates a different kind of absence, since often a suicide, since there is a body and often a note, gives answers or at least there is a physical proof of refusal and a physical proof of that person’s death. A suicide creates a narrative with finality, with refusal as the finality and therefore certain aspects of absence are filled in with the assumptions that come with suicide and death in general. A disappearance has a narrative with an ellipses rather than a full stop, and because it is left open, the absence and refusal are left with unanswered questions, reasons, and unspoken ideas, specifically because it is a kind of refusal to participate that is completely unexpected and cannot be explained with a body or a note.

I don’t really have a conclusion to these thoughts or any sort of cumulative idea or whatever. I just was thinking about the phrase “the only freedom left is the freedom to starve” and what it meant in relation to Richey when Adorno is applied.

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x07 - Como La Flor

Apologies for being so late this week!! Lots of translating to do, and research. Mucho gracias to @queenrikki for reviewing this one for me!

EPISODE SUMMARY:

OLD WOUNDS — Liz (Jeanine Mason) is forced to revisit a painful part of her past when her mother Helena (guest star Bertila Damas) shows up at the diner unexpectedly. Michael (Michael Vlamis) urges Maria (Heather Hemmens) to seek help after she experiences a strange vision, and Kyle’s (Michael Trevino) attempt to get Steph (guest star Justina Adorno) to open up doesn’t go as planned. Finally, Helena’s arrival in Roswell sends Rosa spiraling. Nathan Dean and Lily Cowles also star. Barbara Brown directed the episode written by Danny Tolli & Carolina Rivera (#207). Original airdate 4/27/2020. 

DETAILS:

Max and Isobel both describing to Rosa how it feels to use (and control) your powers.

Isobel:

"Ground your intention.  Feel the current running through your body, your hands guiding it with purpose."

Max:

"Okay, draw energy from your spine…"

Arturo on Rosa:

"I heard a little mouse crying in her room this morning."

Escamoles - like Liz says in the episode, they're ant larvae. One article I found called them "the Caviar of the Mexican desert". 

Helena calls Liz "mi corazón", which means "my heart".

"Arturito, te ves bien."

Arturo, you look good.

Adding "ito" to someone's name in Spanish can both be positive or negative.  It can refer to smallness or also tenderness (like an affectionate pet name).

@tasyfa pointed out that there was a little timeline error in this scene.  Arturo says that he hasn't seen Helena in 7 years, since Jim Valenti's funeral, but last season it was established in 1x12 that Valenti died in 2014.  Also, remember the show is a year behind reality right now, so it's still 2019. So off by 2 years.

The reason for Helena's visit - transferring her ownership of the Crashdown for Liz so that Liz can sponsor Arturo's residency for citizenship. I did a lot of research trying to understand and clarify why this is.  Thanks to those who weighed in when I was struggling to find a clear answer. Eventually I reached out to Define American, the non-profit org that provides support to the show on racial and immigration related issues.  Here's the response:

The short version is that Liz has to meet minimum income requirements in order to sponsor Arturo, because she has to be able to certify that she can financially support him.  Since she's currently unemployed except for the Crashdown, transferring half of the ownership to her makes her a business partner and helps her to meet the income requirements. 

The Spanish:

"¿Cuánto quieres, Mamá?" 

How much do you want, Mama?

"She has a very thoughtful manicure."

If you don't understand, it's cool. I'm not going to explain here.  Feel free to DM me though! I won't judge, promise!!

Narrative thread about Max's nightmare/memory continues from 2x03 and 2x06.  Don't forget that 2x03 was just Isobel remembering it. Max was a hallucination. So when he brings it up here, it might be something they haven't discussed in a very long time.

The Spanish from Rosa on her red jacket:

"Eres una mujercita."

Basically translates to you're a little woman or young woman.  I assume the "cita" is supposed to be diminutive here.

"Mom is an opportunist.  If she found out she had a kid who came back from the dead she would use you to get to Anderson Cooper. And then she'd use him to promote her latest lounge singer gig."

"Isobel pays double.  Becky tax." 

A Becky, according to common colloquial use, is an annoying white woman, usually entitled and privileged.

Lead bartender quit..meaning there's a job opening at the Pony…hmm. Wonder if any of our characters need a job... 🤔

Maria's vision:

Michael drops the change

Flash to Kyle dropping his keys & bending down to pick them up.

Kyle staring into a bright light.

Maria shouting his name.

"My heart was broken.  Liz ended things and a part of me died."

Max's story to Valenti… not all THAT far off from the truth.

Note: has anyone told him about Valenti investigating him? We know Liz and Isobel were questioned.  Michael was present when Liz was questioned. Kyle knows the whole theory his mom was pursuing. And he just wanders in there like nothing happened?

"Try leading several short staffed investigations with the mayor breathing down your neck."

Another subtle reference to the mayor, including the election banners hung around town in S2 and his "anti-immigrant agenda" which was referenced in S1.

Max has been with the department since he was 18 - this is the first time we learned that.  In 2x05 we learned he was there at 21. So that timeline has now been further clarified. Which also means he was hired during Jim Valenti's time as Sheriff.

"I need eyes on you at all times now."

Definitely implies a lack of trust, or possibly still wanting to keep an eye on him for the purpose of her investigation (not a fact, just a theory).

Steph tells Kyle that she's always hanging around the hospital because she's doing admin work for her dad.

"I'm starting to feel like you're a ghost who only I can see."

"Ask them if they can see me. Or if you were just talking to a ghost." 

Note that ghosts have been a running theme this season with Rosa returning from the dead. This seems to be in line with that. Or are they subtly tying Steph to Rosa (I'm grasping at straws here, probably).

Liz leaves the safe on 3...but before she changes it is on 81. Helena leaves it on 78 after stealing the ring. Good continuity, RNM!

The whole "my mom hates cops" theme is a little confusing to me.  I mean, it makes sense given what we know about Helena. Except that she had an affair with Jim Valenti, who was… a cop. And also an addict.  Maybe it was different because they rehabbed together (just an assumption, not a fact). Or maybe the Jim experience contributed to her dislike of cops.

Liz...might be grasping at straws when she refers to police work as "something you love" to Max.  He didn't exactly seem enamoured by the job when we first met him in Season 1.

First time we learn Max and Isobel's father's name. And it is… Dave. 🤔

The Spanish Helena uses when she meets Max:

"Pero que guapo estas."

But how handsome you are.

"Cuidado Arturito."

Careful, Arturo…

Helena found Liz and Diego's wedding registry online. 

“Look there are medical reasons for non-drug-induced hallucinations - epilepsy, schizophrenia…”

“My mom has a degenerative brain disease. My grandma did too. I've always known I'd be next.”

Helena wanted to be Selena.

Which fits with Liz's lounge singer comment earlier.

And the "drunkenly singing in the car with your daughters in the backseat" fits with the story Liz and Rosa discussed in 2x02 about the car accident they got into as kids with Helena driving drunk.

Helena shows Liz her ten years sober chip, suggesting that she's been sober since Rosa died, but Rosa finds pills in Helena's car later in the episode.  Oxycodone. The same drug that Rosa used to steal from her mom as a kid (which we learned about in 2x04) and the same drug that she and Kyle discussed when he was checking her health in 2x01.

During Helena's toast to Rosa:

Preciosa = precious

Rosa Linda… still not sure personally if this is a continuity error or a pet name.  I’m inclined to go with a pet name. Throughout the whole episode Helena uses lots of pet names, nicknames, diminutives to address people. Rosa Linda may be just another version of this since Rosa's middle name was pretty well established as Helena in Season 1 between her grave, memorial pamphlet, etc.

Kyle calls attention to Steph's bandage on her arm.  She says she gave blood, but it feels like she's evading.

Also she calls him McDreamy, which is a Grey's Anatomy reference. Kyle called himself McSexy (another Grey's nickname) in 1x08 as well.

Note: I've seen some people talk about the speech about his sick friend as being about Maria, but I think he's really talking about Steph.  Or both, vaguely. He's certainly trying to get Steph to open up to him. Here's what he says:

"I just found out a friend of mine is sick. And I can't do anything to help her. And I hate feeling helpless."

Only after Steph puts her walls back up, does he gesture to Mimi's files.

The Spanish:

"Oh, ándale, gùero."

Ándale is like, go! Or let's go! Gùero we discussed earlier...basically white boy.

Por favor - please 

Rosa's art that we first saw in 2x05 now looks finished:

Isobel's graffiti "In Pod We Trust"

Both Isobel and Rosa's graffiti:

Isobel's assessment of Rosa's art

"That's a black hole. An unstoppable force of destruction. And it's getting closer. I see a girl looking into her own doom. She thinks it's inevitable, that she can't stop it, but she can. See, she created it. That means she can destroy it."

Rosa on Isobel's efforts to help her:

"You and Max, you keep talking about harnessing emotion and grounding myself, right? But I can't do that.  It is in my DNA to be screwed up. Literally. My mom's mentally ill. So, so am I. I was broken long before Noah did what he did. That's why he chose me to prey on.  That's probably why he chose you too."

Maria on her grandmother:

"When I was a child my Grandma Patty was the only adult who understood my make-believe world. Thing is, I was six.  So my favorite things about her were just illness, I guess…"

Maria on her mom:

"She was always kind of out there.  By the time I realized it was more than that, I just became obsessed with money. Wanted to be able to take care of her. I invested everything Grandma Patty left me, and I worked, scrounged.  It was about three days after my mom was finally fired from her job at the Pony, I bought the place."

Maria's blood does not contain the alien protein that Kyle found in the Pod Squad and Rosa after being in the Pod for a decade. (and yes, he actually said Pod Squad, which feels like an OG fandom victory)

"Look, there is one thing I noticed in your grandmother's file. Her insurance company is the same one that paid for my dad's cancer treatments...My dad got cancer because of an alien incident at Caulfield Prison. A fake insurance company established by Project Shepherd covered his bills."

"Okay so my grandmother got sick at the same alien prison where your mother died?"

More Spanish (there's lots of it this week).

Helena, when she gestures to the present:

"Abre tu regalo."

Open your gift.

Quinces is just slang for Quinceanera.

Just in case you're not familiar with quinceaneras (Liz's was also referenced in 1x02).

"Mija, me enseñas tus prom photos?"

Daughter, show me your prom photos.

Regarding the power outage.  Liz thought it was Max. Max thought it was Rosa. But the wire is frayed, like it was cut or chewed through. So it wasn't alien power related.  When Arturo finds the wire though, he says, "Must have been a little mouse." Which is how he referred to Rosa earlier in the episode. So the question is, does he actually think it was a mouse? Or does he think Rosa cut the wire? And if Rosa did cut the wire, then why? To distract them while she goes after her mom's car?

In the big Liz/Helena argument, Helena calls Max “a güerito cop”.  Güero means white person, similar to the more commonly used gringo.  But by adding the “ito” onto the end (like discussed before), Helena is basically diminuitizing Max.  She’s using the “smallness” above to basically imply that he’s some white nobody.

“I may not be the PTA mom who made cookies for bake sales or hosted sleepovers, but I sacrificed everything to come to this country to give you a better life.”

This is...not actually true.  Liz and Rosa are both natural born U.S. citizens, born in Roswell.  So she didn’t “come to this country” for that reason. She was already here when Liz and Rosa came into the picture.  And it’s not like she came pregnant with Rosa or anything, since Rosa is Jim Valenti’s daughter.

The ring that Helena took was ARTURO'S mother's ring.  It wasn't even Helena's family's heirloom.   

Liz and Arturo sharing flan for dessert.  At the start of the episode before Helena arrived they discussed making flan for Rosa.

Arturo admits that he always knew the truth about Rosa's heritage. (*fistpump* that's one of my headcanons coming true). 

"Rosa es mi hija, siempre y para toda la vida."

Rosa is my daughter, always and for life.

"Maybe you're right. I am playing the hero. Just like you're playing the politician's perfect arm candy.  See, I did a little digging. And your boyfriend, Dirk-- he ran for city council. It's very impressive. But there's no mention of your daughters. I'm guessing Dirk doesn't even know about Liz or Rosa.  Does he know anything about you, Helena? 'Cause it would be such a shame if he found out about a little town called Roswell."

Helena gives Max the ring, but keeps the box… maybe that's what Helena really wanted?

Huevos = eggs.  Basically, slang for balls.

"I know that face.  You uncovered a massive conspiracy."

"I checked the Caulfield drives. No sign of a Patricia DeLuca, but there was a Patricia Harris. Her maiden name. She signed up to participate in an experimental trial. Government was interested in weaponizing alien abilities. They wanted to create super soldiers. Your grandma was one of the first human subjects."

"Kind of wish I was an alien instead."

"What happened to the experiment?"

"It was a total failure. Caulfield shut it down in the '70s after people started dying. I don't understand how your grandmother got involved."

"I do. Henrietta Lacks, Tuskegee, Holmesburg.  The DeLucas aren't the first black people to be secretly experimented on."

Highly encourage you to read these if you're unfamiliar with any of these references.  It's African-American history (and really a black mark on U.S. history) that's rarely taught in schools.

Henrietta Lacks:

Tuskegee:

Holmesburg:

Reality versus Maria's flashes… great gifset by @rosaortecho on this here:

Kyle rips his jacket, staggers out to the parking lot, drops his keys, and is almost hit by a car, but Michael throws him out of the way with his powers (and Kyle still ends up injured because he lands on a glass bottle).

"Now that we know your illness is related to Caulfield we can find a cure for it."

"Maybe it's not an illness. I saw the future today, Guerin. When I first found out Grandma Patty was experimented on, I was furious.  But what if my genetic inheritance isn't just injustice? It's also actual superpowers. Saved a life today. And not just any life-- Kyle Valenti's. Tomorrow he's gonna turn around and save five more lives."

Liz and Rosa's dueling big sister act is super fascinating.  Rosa admits that she wasn't going to burn the car, and then she saw Liz crying, felt helpless, and that's when her powers went all wacky and caused it to explode.

Meanwhile, Liz has spent the whole episode trying to keep Rosa safe from Helena, and is trying to comfort her here by talking about Helena's sobriety.

But--Rosa stole Helena's pills, so she knows Helena is not sober, and she doesn't tell Liz that.  Why? To protect her.

At some point these two should probably stop keeping secrets to protect each other and start actually sharing what they know.

Kyle stitches himself up.

Steph quoted in this scene:

"I was up in the gallery contemplating American downfall thanks to progressive socialism."

"People tend to bail when things get real. I'm not into that."

Cameron's car was impounded a couple hours away.

Max is turning in his badge and gun and is turning down desk duty to search for Cam.

Isobel and Michael's discussion at the Pony:

"Do you think that Noah chose me because I was already broken?"

"I think you are the only one of us who ever keeps it together."

"I'm serious, Michael. The night that drifter attacked me, why am I the only one who started blacking out? I mean, Max literally murdered a man, but I'm the one who breaks?"

"You were traumatized. We were kids. At that age, trauma gets etched on to your soul."

"But what if it's not in my soul? What if it's in my DNA? Look, my whole life, I've played Stepford wife, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. But...I need to understand myself now. I need to know where I'm from.  And if I don't know who my biological parents are, how am I ever gonna know who I really am?" 

"What are you saying, Iz?"

"I know that we said we shouldn't look into the past, but…"

"It keeps pulling you back. Me too. I spent my whole life thinking I'd build a ship and blast off into the ether. And then the minute I decide to leave that all behind and focus on this good thing in front of me, I'm sucked back in. Maria's family was experimented on at Caulfield. I need to find out more so I can find a cure for her illness."

Rosa takes one of her mom's pills. 😭

MUSIC:

1. Cactus Groove "This World"

2. Shelly Fairchild "Drive"

3. Mathis Hunter "Mrs. Vinegar"

4. Big Stone City "Good For Zero"

5. Big Stone City "Way Down Below"

6. Selena "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom"

7. Elizabeth Moen "Best I Can Do"

8. Wagons "Keep Coming Back"

9. AG "Where Is My Mind" (Pixies Cover)

[phoebtcnkin]

ABOUT ME.

NAME/ALIAS: Kayla / Satan 

TIMEZONE: PST (for now, but don’t ask me where we’re moving next LOL)

RANDOM FACT: I was adopted when I was three, am 11wks pregnant with our newest and long awaited wee one, and shamefully have over 10,000 likes on this blog with zero chance of ever fully clearing them out lmfao

CHARACTER ONE.

NAME: Lauren “Ren” Victoria Livingston (29)

FACECLAIM: Phoebe Tonkin, my queen.

in COCONUT GROVE you’ll find LAUREN LIVINGSTON who’s lived there for FOUR YEARS and they spend their days working as THE MANAGER OF NATALIA ESCABIAS LUXURY SPA AND A FREELANCE WRITER. They’ve been described as ROUGE STAINED MARLBOROS STUBBED OUT IN ANTIQUE CAVIAR BOWLS, POSTCARDS SENT FROM PLACES SHE’S NEVER BEEN, CHAMPAGNE IN SOLO CUPS, AND UNMET DEADLINES by the people that know them. Which makes sense when you consider that they can be ENGAGING + ADVENTUROUS but also IRRESPONSIBLE + IN DENIAL  

BACKGROUND.

grew up with a single mom who could never weave the same story twice about the origins and subsequent disappearance of her father.

lived on the cusp of wealth but didn’t actually have it… her mother, jane, was presumably from old money, but either the family lost it ages ago or she’d been cut off for reasons unknown.

they were ‘adopted’ by an older wealthy couple without children of their own when ren’s mother was pregnant with her aka given permission to live out of the guesthouse on their property for basically free

went all over when she was younger to “soul search” and sort out her life. basically just bummed around with a bunch of other barely legal adults who ate gas station food and drank expensive champagne and just a whole bunch of other nonsense

is approaching that age / stage of life where she’s meant to have her shit together but really doesn’t.

is still spending her money and maxing out credit cards on stupid things she can’t afford and doesn’t need. skips rent to go to fancy clubs. probably abuses something bc she can and she’s #lostandbroke inside

claims she’s an aspiring writer, and she’s trying she really is (sometimes), but doesn’t have anything to show for it if ppl asked

basically put together and #fine on the outside but a disaster on the inside

HEADCANONS.

HOMETOWN: Newport, Rhode Island

BIRTHDAY: tbd

NICKNAMES: almost exclusively goes by ‘Ren’, but a small few may call her L.V.

ORIENTATION: bisexual

MUSE SONGS: Girls Like You by The Naked and Famous, rock bottom by Caro, tba

CHARACTER TAG: can be found here.

PINTEREST BOARD: can be found here.

on any given day the only things you’re likely to find inside of ren’s fridge are a bottle of something alcoholic, a gel eye mask, and one of many credit cards frozen in the freezer.

in a similar vein, her oven is absolutely full of half clothes, half books.

is literally always on the verge of eviction bc, as mentioned above, she prioritizes p. much anything over responsibilities.

will 1000% justify buying five pairs of shoes she can’t afford bc she got them at a sample sale for the price of one at full retail

once upon a time she excused bad habits and terrible choices under the premise that they were hands on experience for the sake of her writing... except all these years later she’s still on her bullshit and hasn’t written anything of quality in ???

can’t be trusted to keep a pet rock alive let alone anything else

has never, not once, been able to say no to anything made of silk or velvet

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

this is already crazy long so i’m going to be making a sep. post for these and will add the link as soon as it’s finished, but you can expect to see things like: neighbors, coworkers, friends she’s met since moving to miami, the people she hung around during her years of travel and shenanigans, messy exes, drug dealer, former (kinda) sugar daddy lmfao, secret family, etc.

CHARACTER TWO.

NAME: 👑 Alicia Josefine Palmeiro (30)

FACECLAIM: Ana de Armas

in CORAL GABLES, you’ll find ALICIA PALMEIRO who’s lived there for ONE WEEK and they spend their days working as A (CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED) LAWYER. They’ve been described as SHARP GLANCES, RUNNING IN HEELS, AND THE SCENT OF ACRYLIC PAINT FAINTLY LINGERING BENEATH ARMANI PERFUME by the people that know them. Which makes sense when you consider that they can be ELOQUENT + AMBITIOUS but also MATERIALISTIC + INDIFFERENT.

BACKGROUND.

comes from one of those richer than god families that have a library named after them somewhere and flaunt it. grandfather was the former governor of NC and her father is the current state attorney there

basically grew up with anything she wanted under the sun aside from attention and love. she was more of a business/brand investment than a beloved child in their eyes. rafael and gabriella (true monsters, lemme tell u) had her entire life mapped out and signed in blood before she was even conceived.

thought it would be really fun once to get a boyfriend in HS and hasn’t been able to get rid of him since. pls don’t call the cops if she threatens to light jaxon on fire bc she’s not serious. except for the one time she prob almost did.

speaking of things she almost did... she almost ran away with him after hs graduation in the pursuit of true love and following her dreams

daddy blackmailed jax into leaving her without a word, though. he listened (with good reason). instead of being happy and painting to pay rent, ali sucked up her tears before her mascara could run and went off to duke.... u guessed it.... exactly as her parents planned.

years later ran into jax again and they had an affair while she was engaged to another man. it ultimately led to their birth of their now 1.5 year old son

wyatt is probably the only thing she cares about more in this world than birkin bags and lingerie and shoes. on wednesdays she’ll let jaxon grace the list, but only if he leaves his muddy boots and potato chips at the door.

they’ve just moved to miami in a panic bc she found evidence against her father that proved they weren’t safe around him anymore (can share deets, but it’s chalk full of triggers so i won’t add it here)

HEADCANONS.

HOMETOWN: Wilmington, North Carolina

BIRTHDAY: August 16th, 1989

NICKNAMES: Ali, Princess, Queen Alicia P.

ORIENTATION: attention and diamonds (no but really she heterosexual)

PERMANENT PAIN IN THE ASS: Jaxon Martins

CHILDREN: Wyatt Martins, 1.5 years

MUSE SONGS: Me Too by Meghan Trainor, tba

CHARACTER TAG: can be found here.

PINTEREST BOARD: can be found here.

currently living in the penthouse suite at the biltmore hotel while they house shop for a mini mansion up to ali’s standards

is the stomping parrot when jax refuses to give her the attention she wants. or when she’s giving him the silent treatment but wants him to know she’s still mad.

thinks $20 t-shirts are just the result of misprinted tickets.

might cry if you try to take her inside of a dollar store or walmart.

couldn’t cook a meal to save her life and will absolutely get something catered and then take the credit when you tell her how delish it is.

has extreme trouble expressing her verbal emotions, so her displays of affection typically manifest in the form of gifts. ali will secretly obsess for weeks over finding the perfect present to fit the recipient 

not saying she’d throw u in front of a bus but…. if she doesn’t like u she prob wouldn’t hold out a hand to save you either.

is actually a warmhearted arsenic laced cupcake with a painter’s soul beneath her icy shield and devil blood. she does care. stg. mommy and daddy just never taught her how to show it.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

just like before, i’m going to be making a sep. post for these and add the link as soon as it’s finished, but you can expect to see things like: neighbors, family local to the area (depending on from which side, would also need to be discussed with @fcntastical​), new friends, artsy friends she can be herself around, mom friends (gimme a real housewives of miami club pls), people connected to her father and all his maniacal ways, fr/enemies, etc.

[snowy-charm]

A Treatise on Charm, Snowy

(TL;DR warning: This post is kinda long. The quick version is that I’m gonna make music now! Next post will be one of said musics. The rest of this post goes over the story of why I’m doing it. Also I use a meme twice and link some rad music three times.)

The year: 2017. October. I was given the name “Snowy Charm” as a fun pony name to facilitate a secret santa exchange online. Even though I’d been a fan of these little horses since ~2012 I’d never delved into the world of having one to call my own. I was more than satisfied bearing witness to the growing cast of canon characters - and of course my hot and heavy courting with the cast of Fallout: Equestria. (Side note to anyone who may be reading this: FoE is pretty dope, but it is also the essence of grimdark. Read at your own risk!)

Suddenly at odds with this new OC acquisition, I quickly came up with a fast and loose backstory! He was a crystal pony from the wintery crystal kingdom (”Snowy”) and was probably an artificer or craftsman of some kind (”Charm”). I joked that the reason behind my name is that I live in a snowy climate (read: the tropics) and I was quite charming (the jury is still out on that one). 

The following year was my first ever convention: BronyCon 2018! An artist friend of mine graciously designed my OC with little to no input on my part and came up with a design that I instantly fell in love with.

(Pictured here subtly in front of a rack-mounted EQ I have never used, but is appropriate for an upcoming revelation.)

Isn’t he ADORABLE?! I will forever wear that badge because it is awesome. The cutie mark has been redone a little since then, and no other artist has remembered his beard yet, but I digress; this story isn’t actually about him.

Of course, BronyCon was a blast! This became my impetus to be more than simply an observer in the fandom, but to be present and belonging with others through our communal enjoyment of My Little Pony. My friends, in general, had a disinterest of the show - which, you know what? That’s fair. I don’t particularly care for Game of Thrones, Desperate Housewives, or the DCU, and it would be hard for me to feign a genuine interest in the developments thereof - but as of BronyCon I was able to play on an even field with others who shared my same passion for these candy colored equines!

Now, another thing to note of me, which will be important in a moment: I’m slightly musical. Not amazingly talented or anything, just.. slightly musical. I was REALLY into marching band (and won the John Philip Sousa award my senior year!!), but stopped refining my craft during college and onwards. Turns out playing a $5000 instrument puts a damper on your ability to own one. (Here’s a second video, and a third; I freakin love marimba.) I picked up the Ukulele for the the occasional “BUT YOU LIKE TO MAKE MUSIC” urges, but more or less ignored actually honing my abilities.

But now that I found myself surrounded by the magic of friendship combined with the magic of ponies, I wanted to CREATE. I suddenly realized that Snowy Charm was to be a MUSIC PONE. I would make FANDOM HITS that nopony had ever HEARD BEFORE (or after - I didn’t/don’t expect to be horse famous [or really even horse known (triple parenthetical asides are super cool, by the way)]).

Aaaaand promptly realized I had the better part of a decade’s worth of rust hanging onto my high-school-level skills. Not to mention that I still didn’t own the only thing I was good at playing.

F

“Okay, okay, it’s fine. Don’t hyperventilate, self. We’ll just make this into a project about growth in music instead.” 

- Me to myself circa the realization I can only really play a single instrument, and not even well.

I decided to make the project about my journey in the music field instead of pumping out dope jams. The goal was to lay out where I was musically and pick a song each week. I’d then practice that song all week and post a recording of my warbly self performing it by week’s end. Pick up a new instrument here, learn a new software there. Maybe I’d do originals now and again, but likely I’d just scream into the void and wait for it to call me back.

Of course, the dope jams would (hopefully) come, but as Jake says:

Long story short on that one: I didn’t.

Be it procrastination or a busy schedule, I can’t really defend my past self’s choice at this point. I made all the social media accounts and sturdied myself to make the first bellow into the abyss --- but then silence rung out. (Of note, I got my twitter anniversary notice today, so it has been exactly a year from my first tentative steps.)

Flash forward a couple months - October once more. My little festive community starts up again! More fun names are given out and lore starts being woven together about these new OCs! The stories start coming quick: There’s a stallion who HATES CRANBERRIES and one who makes bomb smoothies! A diamond dog who wants to celebrate Hearth’s Warming but is the target of seemingly the entire diamond dog population’s scorn! There’s a whole school filled with students, teachers, and a will-they-won’t-they janitor/counselor combo! Snowy now owns a potion shop specializing in musical applications, not to mention somehow he’s now the ambassador to those diamond dogs! But then, unexpectedly, on the day she was supposed to return from the hospital, my mother passed away.

I had recently lost my job and moved into my folk’s home out of town. Unemployed, isolated from friends, and yeeted into the throes of grief; I did all I really could: I picked up my dumb noise stick and sang about life, love, death, and colorful talking horses.

I made my first honest-to-goodness song - Drink In - during that period. It’s about that on-again-off-again pair I introduced earlier, but it was also about my grief and healing. I’ll share some of the lyrics here that, after I wrote them, spoke to me as if I didn’t pen them my damn self:

Take a deep breath Exhale regret Drink in sunsets The best is what’s left

It may not hit you the same way as it did me, music is often subjective, but it was an imperative reminder to let go of the stress I was compounding inside of me. I needed to hear that message badly - and put a pin in that, I’ll loop back to it in a moment.

I started working to better my craft again. I helped mix/master the album that my little festive family put together. I borrowed a bass guitar from a friend and started learning a little. I even got employed to do live mixing at the church I attend! Little by little I was getting better. 

But let’s fast forward again, shall we? This time to August of this year, BronyCon 2019! One of the best times I’ve ever had, but that’s not the point (maybe I’ll go into it in a later post?). I came home invigorated and ready to face the world again after being exhausted for almost five months straight. I felt free from burdens and there was something on my mind that hadn’t been there for a long time: I was ready to CREATE. 

If you were at the con, or if you’ve been on twitter recently, this next refrain may strike you as familiar:

(Patch done by @sew-adorkable)

I knew I had to make a song about it, but I had to make it good enough to be heard by folk. It had to be perfect before I could release it and have guitars and electronic music stuff and all the bells and/or whistles. I have a launchpad, unused, from last year - so I plugged it in with Ableton Live so I could make them funky horse beatz (with a z of course, because that’s 20% cooler).

Aaaaand promptly realized I was way out of my depth. 

I’ve recorded live performances (and myself) with Reaper and Audition before, and I feel like I know at least some of the basics with them. I can put a vocal into compression, mix the instruments okay together, do some EQing, etc. But I was now adrift trying to get the computer to make sounds that I wasn’t able to do myself.

I couldn’t figure out how to put anything other than the default synth into reaper and I opened Ableton because that’s better for electronic music I hear and I want to learn how to do that and they don’t even have a timeline and use clips and what are clips and how do you make them and what are samples and how do you get them and how do I even record a voice in this thing and there’s not a TIMELINE and when you stop the noise the session isn’t stopped and the launchpad won’t work and I went back to reaper and they have a drum sampler and how do you get a sample and how do you install things and is this my personal hell and I understand this is a run on sentence - I was frustrated and I quit.

Remember the pin I told you to put in earlier? Refresh that into memory, here’s where it’s relevant.

About two weeks after this whole debacle I was listening to shuffle all on my phone and Drink In happened to come on. I remembered how the completely unintentional message of my own song really struck me a year prior. This stupid song about a pair of pony OCs with terribly played ukulele and shitty bargain bin percussion recorded with a mic not suited to record anything except vocals... and despite all that, despite all of the technical barriers that were in the way, despite clipping during recording ukulele and hearing the distortion every time I listen to the track, it helped me restore tranquility when my inner world was naught but a maelstrom of grief and tumult. 

...I guess it didn’t have to be perfect to reach folks. Who knew?

And that right there is the moral I’m learning today. I struggle with it a lot, but there’s a problem with perfection: allow yourself only to produce perfection and you’ll produce nothing. I mean it’s a well known quote, right? Nobody’s perfect. 

So, I apologize in advance to all people with ears, but it is now my intention to bring (hopefully) pleasant noises to the grandiose cacophony that is the internet. They won’t be perfect, but I’ll work on it.

Anyway, come to TrotCon.

(Art by Witchtaunter, Flitterfel, and Mentita Kirby)

P.S. Holy bananas you actually read this monster of a post? Give yourself a pat on the back! Future posts likely won’t be as herculean of a read, but no promises. Next time I’ll actually upload “Drink In” so you can hear this song I’ve referenced so much - and then I’ll talk about where I’m at mechanically and the goals I have by doing this whole thing. Oh, and don’t expect all the neat art to happen every post! I went a little YCH/commission crazy after I got back from BronyCon, but I’m also not made out money so it won’t last forever. I don’t expect really anybody to read a huge post ostensibly about someone’s OC, and even the lifetime of this project I expect less or equal to about 10 people, but I hope you find a sense of belonging and participation here! Hello to all 10 of you!

See y’all next time!

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E06

This is a bit of a weird episode, in that it feels like not much happened. Because Skam España switched a few things around, it seems like episode 6 shouldn’t be the episode in which to hang out with the characters for a while before shit goes down. But one thing that got me hooked to Skam almost straight away was the way you got to “hang out” with the characters even in small, drama-free moments, and this episode has a couple of clips I really like.

CLIP 1: Monday blues

Es que le metiste un corte (You were razor sharp with him): “Meter un corte” is really hard to translate. It basically means to be really cutting with someone when they aren’t expecting it, in a way that shuts the conversation for good. Which Amira did, over and over, but the dude wasn’t getting the hint.

I do think Nora feels a little bad for the guy, but only because Nora is extremely empathetic with everyone in the world, to the point where it’s surprising when she’s not empathetic.

Viri is a great liar. We will come to find out much of what she says in this scene is a lie, but she has no tells. This is why I think the Selena Gomez shoe line thing was Viri teasing the girls, because she broke character almost immediately. If Viri wanted the girls to believe it, we can see here that she would’ve managed.  

Nora’s shirt says, “No means no.” ‘No es no’ was first a slogan for an awareness campaign, promoted by several Spanish city halls, which aimed to curtail sexual abuse and rape during local festivals, such as Sanfermines. There’s also an Axel, Soledad song. And it has of course been slapped on all sorts of merchandise. Like shirts!

The sides of the mirror are tagged with graffiti, by the way.

And also, Eva and Nora are late for first period! They end up skipping it entirely.

CLIP 2: Lucas has feels; Eva’s are stronger

Eva and Lucas are listening to Molly Svrcina’s Fallen Angel. I think the point of the song was lost in how incredibly random the song is. This is a song Lucas recommends Eva listen to. It’s about Lucas, not Eva. Lucas is trying to give a hint to Eva about himself, but Eva’s too focused on the Jorge drama.

While this clip dropped during recess, Eva skipped school. Not sure if Lucas did as well, though.

It’s Viri who shares a birthday with Paris Jackson, as I already wrote in the post for last episode.

Alejandro Reina does a nice bit of acting with his eyes at the 5:22 mark. Lol, Lucas is so fucking tired of the Eva/Jorge drama carousel.    

Y tú me caes de puta madre (“And I think you’re fucking great”): Lucas is not just saying that he thinks Eva’s great. He’s saying he really fucking likes Eva (as a friend, that is!).

Es que sigo enfadada (“‘Cause I’m still upset”): This is a sentiment that will be expressed often this week by Eva, Jorge and Lucas. I’ve seen subs that translate it “enfadada” as “angry” and it’s not wrong, but I feel Eva and Jorge are both more upset than angry during this week. Your mileage may vary, though!

CLIP 3: Ship wars

Cullera: Cullera is a beach city in the Valencia region that has been taken over by tourists (or guiris, if you will!). There are some nice sights, but people visit for the beaches. Many Spanish familes own some sort of apartment by the beach, but Cullera is a step up from the usual, which is Torremolinos. A hint about Inés’ parents’ economic status! Cullera means “spoon” in Valencian language, by the way.

Easter break: The 2019 Easter break runs from the 12th of April to the 22th. Coincidentally, there are some rumors that s2 will premiere after Easter break 2019.

Tú no te líes, que el viaje importante es el de Mallorca, ¿eh? (Okay, but don’t lose sight of the important trip, the Majorca trip, huh?): A closer translation would be: “Don’t get sidetracked, the important trip is the Majorca trip, okay?” Which is actually a shorter line, so we should maybe change that, lol.

Que parezcamos ahí dos lapas como estas parejitas que están por ahí (For us to look like two barnacles like those couples you see everywhere): The literal translation would be, “for us to look like two barnacles like those couples that are around,” but that sounded like shade towards Eva and Jorge, who are also broken up this week. It’s not meant as shade, and in fact Eva has no reaction to it, so I reworked it.

Viri’s economic background is hinted through her confusion with job titles. In Spanish, she doesn’t remember if Alejandro’s father is a “director” (which could be translated as director, manager, and even principal, but also CEO) and “directivo” (executive or CEO). I settled for initials salad.

There is a bit of dialogue at the end that was cut from the episode version. The girls present their final arguments in the Viriandro vs Aleviri debate… which ironically, foreshadowed the Norandro vs Alenora shipname wars. It appears as if most of the fandom has settled on Norandro, at last.

Viri: It’s that, it’s like a Greek god.

Cris: What are you, Voldemort or something?

Viri: It’s like, it’s funny because it’s like a Greek god, like Viriandro is a Greek god sort of name. Yeah, it’s super neat.

Cris: It’s a gladiator name, dude!

Almost totally off topic linguistics note: The girls use the English loanword “ship” in the fandom sense. The verb had obviously crossed language lines in fandom spaces years ago, but it became part of mainstream Spanish culture (yes, really) when Operación Triunfo became big last year, and everyone was shipping couples from the show. The interesting part is that Spanish speakers came up with two declensions for the Spanish form of the verb: “yo lo shippeo” (I ship it) and “yo lo shippo” (again, I ship it). People who had been in fandom longer leaned towards “shippeo” (and so do I!), so I find it aesthetically pleasing that the girls favor that declension.  

CLIP 4: Eva shoots his shot. It doesn’t go well.

I was certain Jorge’s secret would have to do with one or both his parents being unemployed, so at the time I made note of the fact that one of the apartments he walks by is up for sale. It’s the reddish orange sign at the 10:06 mark.

The song that plays at the end of the clip is Zahara’s El Frío, but it has been edited. These are the lyrics that have made it to the clip: “I didn’t expect that the one who started all the fires would also be the one to put them out. How did you let the cold inside you, it has destroyed everything.”

CLIP 5: Speederman

This has to be a change from my high school years. I did the Cooper test in 3º ESO (the equivalent of 9th grade in the US) and never had to do it again through high school. 

More info on the Cooper test, in case you care. Not only was I not tested on a standard 400 m tartan track, but we were also not trained to perform it properly. Ah, high school PE!

Venom premiered in Spain the 5th of October. This clip dropped the 19th of October.

Yes, that is actually how we pronounce Spiderman in Spain.

I love that Nora is into Viri saying she loves anything that has to do with saving the world. Nora is so earnest, lol.

¿O qué vas a hacer, tía? ¿Quedarte en casa llorando? (“Or what do you have in mind, dude? Staying at home, crying?”): Another translation could be, “Or what are you going to do, dude? Stay at home and cry?” but I went with the line in the subs because I thought it flowed better.

Cómo jode que te dejen, ¿eh? (It sucks to be dumped, doesn’t it?): “Sucks” is a lot less charged than “joder,” which is the word Inés actually uses. I guess you’d have to say “fucking sucks” to get the intensity across. You’ll have to make do with Inés’ line delivery.

CLIP 6: Ride of the Valkyries

As it turns out, Alba Planas is also a fan of og Skam, so I’m going to pretend Eva’s string of sorries is also an homage to Tarjei’s delivery.

This scene was shot right outside of Cine Paz. 

Pero no me seáis pavas (“But don’t be silly”): Viri says “pavas,” which is hard to translate. Essentially, Viri’s afraid the girls are going to embarrass her in front of Alejandro, either unintentionally or (not unlikely given this group) intentionally. I.e. they’re not going to behave maturely in front of him.

Madre mía (Good heavens): Okay, so I already talked in the post for episode 5 about the way Amira uses interjections that aren’t swear words, and this is an example of it. “Madre mía” literally means “mother of mine” and it’s basically meaningless as an interjection. What matters is the tone you add to it. In this case, Amira’s impatient that the girls are getting distracted chatting about whatever, instead of going into the theater. I don’t love “good heavens” as it has Christian connotations. On the other hand, “geez” feels too short for how impatient Amira sounds.

It took me a while to realize this, but this clip actually has an og equivalent. This would be the clip where Vilde notices William and Sara hooking up, and looks devastated. Skam España chooses to go about it in a totally different way, with the girls backing Viri up as they walk in.

CLIP 7: Tout le monde veut devenir un cat

Sí, hija, sí (“Yeah, girl, yeah”): Jorge actually calls Eva “daughter,” lol. Much like with tío and tía, we might call anyone “son” or “daughter.” I’ve even caught myself using it on my own parents! If I have the right info, this is also common in Latin American countries, except they use “mijo” and “mija,” instead. “Hijo” or “hija” is more affectionate than “tío” or “tía,” although, much like with “madre mía,” it’s used to express a variety of emotions. Here, Jorge is dismayed that his chocolate romance went awry.

Pretty sure those are knockoff peanut M&Ms. Most likely from the Spanish grocery chain Mercadona.

The song that plays at the end of the clip and through the credits is Bely Basarte’s Mariposas. You can find a translation here. 

Tomás Aguilera, who plays Jorge, has managed to be almost impossible to find online. However, his instagram bio makes reference to the French version of the Aristocats song Everybody wants to be a cat. It’s adorable.

Social media:

The girls talk about the Zaorejas random again, Cris notes that he looked young enough as to be in ESO, or MSE, Mandatory Secondary Education. MSE runs through the equivalents of 7th to 10th grade in the US. 

[idemandoolong]

Three wars and some presidents couldn’t convince America that Blacks are people, too. So you won’t, either. Oh, and Italians and Asians have blood on their hands. Happy MLK Day!

Ok, so we’re going to begin with the “abolition” of slavery. And the reason I put it in quotes is because the 13th Amendment slyly states “…except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted…”

Why is that important? Because that’s the loophole courts used to basically continue slavery. They would charge Black men with crimes, give them unfair trials, then sentence them to jail. From 1865 to 1964, states could (and would) legally deny people employment solely based on race, and until 1968, states could (and would) legally deny people the right to housing solely based on race. So slavery was over on paper, but contrary to many people’s beliefs, things didn’t magically become better for Blacks overnight.

So think back to the days when slavery has just ended. Former slaves were illiterate and unemployed. Many remained in their hometowns because they didn’t really have any other place to go. They took whatever jobs they could, and these were often the jobs the Whites didn’t want. And yes, they were severely underpaid. As a result, Whites would deny them decent employment and housing, charge them with vagrancy, then throw them in jail. This went on for decades. And was perfectly legal.

But let’s back it up to the end of the Civil War. The Department of War established The Freedman’s Bureau, which was an agency to help former slaves and poor Whites as the Civil War was coming to a close and the South’s defeat was imminent. It was officially founded on March 3, 1865, the South surrendered on April 9, 1865, and Lincoln was shot six days later.

Though the Freedman’s Bureau had good intentions, of course, many Whites opposed it. Including President Andrew Johnson. Some of the things the Bureau did were to establish schools (which later became Historically Black Colleges & Universities), help families that were separated during slavery reunite, provide job training, establish hospitals, and help Blacks with legal cases since the chances of them of getting fair trials were slim.

By late 1872, just seven years after being founded, Congress’s support of the Bureau had been waning and all of its efforts were discontinued. Five years later, the Reconstruction Era ended. This was an era in which the US attempted to literally reconstruct itself after the Civil War. The Freedman’s Bureau was a large part of the era, as were the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments. Additionally, Blacks were elected to state and federal positions during this time.

Now, this time is very important, as this is when the South began to identify with the Republican Party, and the North began to identify with the Democratic Party. Until then, Republicans would be what we would consider “liberal,” and Democrats were what we would consider “conservative.”

During the Civil War, when Northerners were Republicans and Southerners were Democrats, the North spent a lot of money to support the Union, and this in turn made many businessmen there wealthy. Because they were wealthy, they were then able to influence and to take part in the government. These wealthy White men were not too interested in supporting Black rights, because they did not believe government spending money to help such a small number of people would help them to maintain their money and power. As this is happening, as stated before, the South (Democrats) are opposed to the efforts of Reconstruction--especially the Freedman’s Bureau. 

The federal government’s role in people’s lives began to diminish as wealthy White men helped to pass laws to make sure they themselves had as much freedom as possible to do as they wish with their money. See how this is tied to the dissolution of the Freedman’s Bureau?

And what’s even more sinister, more and more land in the Midwest and West of the country was being carved up and given to Whites (after it was taken away from the Native Americans), but Blacks were not allowed to have any of that land, let alone jobs, healthcare, education, and housing.

Now that we’ve got established, let’s fast-forward to WWI. After the War ends, Black soldiers return home and expect to be treated much better than when they left. I mean, they did put their lives on the line for the country…no, for the world. They return to the United States and realize very little has changed. As a result, the Great Migration ensues. Thousands upon thousands of Blacks leave the South and head North (and some went to California) where things aren’t exactly paradise, but they were a lot better than the South. This in turn is the catalyst for the Harlem Renaissance. Blacks had a swell of pride and their culture flourished. Angry White Southerners tried to stop Blacks from getting information about the North, and they even passed laws to make it difficult for Blacks to leave.

Now we’re in the 1920s. The economy is doing exceptionally well, but then the Great Depression happens. Republicans are blamed, so people began voting for Democrats. In fact, Blacks began to switch from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party because Franklin D. Roosevelt established programs to help those affected by the Depression—and as we all know, Blacks were affected a lot worse than Whites were.

So how did the Italian-Americans play into this? Well, let’s put this on pause and rewind. It’s before WWI, but after Reconstruction. This era is referred to the Gilded Age. During this time, may Europeans immigrated to the United States for a better life. Fine. Nothing new there. Well, as the United States has always done, it discriminated against them. The Irish were discriminated against. The Polish were discriminated against. The Eastern Europeans were discriminated against. And of course, the Italians were discriminated against—especially those from the southern part of Italy, because they tend to have darker skin due to the Moors settling there for thousands of years. But I digress.

The dark-skinned Italians are being discriminated against in the United States. To combat this, many of them began to point to Columbus as proof that they did not deserve the poor treatment they were receiving. This is around 1892…the 400th anniversary of Columbus landing in the Caribbean. While America is celebrating the anniversary, Italians are saying, “See? We Italians aren’t so bad after all!” This is despite the fact that Columbus sailed for Spain…not Italy. And this is despite the fact that the establishments in the New World made Spain richer…not Italy. Now I’m not saying Italian-Americans deserved to be mistreated, but to use Columbus as proof to show that Italians can do wonderful things is…specious, at best.

But at any rate, Italian-Americans used Columbus to escape discrimination, and it basically worked. But they were about self-preservation. They saw that other people (especially Blacks) were being mistreated, but it was more of a “Well as long as the Whites aren’t mistreating me, I don’t care.” This sort of established racial tension between Blacks and Italian-Americans in places like New Jersey and New York City which, unfortunately, continues to this day.

Let’s bring it back to the Great Depression and the Democrats. The Republicans are blamed because people are saying, “If you Republicans hadn’t been so greedy over the last several decades, none of this would’ve happened. We need the federal government to make sure this doesn’t happen again!” The Democrats take over and establish social programs to help pull people out of financial ruin. Those who are for social programs tend to be Democrats, and those who are for limited government tend to be Republicans. Which is where we are presently.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The Great Depression is happening, World War II breaks out, the United States enters, and the economy does well because of the social programs, and because people cut back on spending to help the war effort. The Axis is defeated, and Black soldiers return home thinking, “Ok…THIS TIME the White people have to respect us.”

Wrong.

Enter the Civil Rights Movement.

We’re now in the late 1950s and early 1960s. Keep in mind, racial discrimination is still perfectly legal. And also, this is where the Black family begins to crack. Before this time, as with all races, it was much more common than not to have an intact nuclear family: married parents and their children living together. However, during the 1960s, things for Blacks began to shift as far as their families are concerned. With the establishment of welfare, if there was an adult male parent in the home, families could not get welfare benefits. This was not just for Black families, but it happened more often for Black families because the men were, as stated before, being removed from their families for various reasons—and all of those reasons stemmed from the lack of opportunities Black men faced.

It’s virtually impossible to take care of your family if you’re not allowed to have a job, live in certain neighborhoods, or vote. Black women were literally being paid by the United States government to remain single mothers. Their daughters went on to become single parents, and then their daughters, then their daughters, and so on, and so forth.

What does this have to do with Asian-Americans? I’ll tell you.

As the United States began to reform its laws about race, it began to relax its immigration laws. Up until the mid-1960s, Asians were practically prohibited from entering the country and becoming citizens. Once those laws were repealed, they began trickling in. Now is it a coincidence that the United States began to actively improve its relationship with East Asia and Southeast Asia as tensions between it and Russia began? Maybe…but it’s also mighty convenient.

In other words, some (including myself) would point that the United States did not want to have tension with Russia and pretty much all of Asia as Cold War tensions escalated during the 1960s. With the immigration restrictions of Asians lifted, the United States conveniently began saying such kind things about Asians—hence the “model minority” stereotype. Americans would say things like, “Oh, Asians are so smart. And so polite. And so clean. And so hardworking. Please, come to this country.” Because Asian-Americans weren’t really established in the country before the 1960s, they missed all the discrimination that Blacks and Europeans faced. They didn’t really begin coming until most civil rights legislation had already passed. 

This isn’t to say Asian-Americans aren’t discriminated against—it’s more to say they didn’t (and do not) face the type of mistreatment Blacks face. 

Also, keep in mind, when Asians were allowed into the country little by little, only the best and brightest were allowed. This helped the United States to seem correct when they would point to them as the “model minorities.” It’s easy to be seen as the best when you’re only allowed to send your best over.

With Asian-Americans settling in the country, many of them wanted to fully integrate and be accepted by Whites. Families would encourage their daughters to marry White men, as this was seen as the paragon of acceptance. To this day, many Asian-American women “prefer” to date White men. They’ll openly say this, but then also say, “But I’m not racist.”

Yes, you are.

Also, Asian-Americans would discriminate against Blacks to gain White acceptance. Remember, they weren’t really around to witness slavery, Reconstruction, the Great Migration, and the Civil Rights Movement. Instead, it was like, “Hey…if I want Whites to accept me, all I have to do is do what they do. Hmmm…looks like they don’t like Black people for whatever reason. Fine. Neither do I.” This is also why there tends to be underlying tension between Asian-Americans and Blacks in many parts of the country.

Allow me to point out what happened to Latasha Harlins. On March 16, 1991 in Los Angeles, a 15yr old girl named Latasha Harlins went into a convenience store owned by a Korean-American family, the Du family. She put a bottle of orange juice in her backpack and held the money she planned to pay for it in her hand. The matriarch of the Du family, Soon Ja, accused her of trying to shoplift despite the fact that Harlins was at the counter with money in her hand. An argument ensued, and Du grabbed Harlins and tried to snatch her backpack off. Harlins hit Du three times, causing Du to fall back. Du then threw a stool at Harlins. Harlins picked up the orange juice botte and set it on the counter, and Du snatched it from her. As Harlins turned to leave the store, Du reached under the counter for a handgun and shot Harlins. The bullet hit her in the back of the head and she died instantly.

You can look up the security footage on YouTube.

During the trial, Du stated she killed Harlins because she feared for her life, so it was in self-defense. Two eyewitnesses disputed this, and so did the fact that Harlins was shot from behind as she attempted to leave. Du was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter, but rather than getting the 16yrs of prison, which was the maximum sentence, she was sentenced to probation for five years, given a $500 fine, (approx. $920 today), and told she had to complete 400 hours of community service.

The trial was overshadowed by the infamous Rodney King beating, which occurred two weeks later, which in then turn led to the 1992 LA riots after the police officers were acquitted after being videotaped beating him. Some believe (including myself) that the riots were also inspired by the outcome of Du’s trial.

Ok, you got all that? Let’s take it back to the late 1960s. The Civil Rights Era is coming to a close, and something called The Kerner Commission is published. Never heard of it? That was intentional.

Basically, The Kerner Commission was an investigation to figure out why Black people were the way they were. Moreso why they were rioting every so often. But it also answered why were their families falling apart? Why was their income so low? Why were they less educated than everyone else? Why were their neighborhoods violent?

You’d think it’d be obvious…but sometimes, people don’t like to admit they had a hand in creating a problem. A lot of White people would say, “Well slavery and all that is over. They’re just lazy. That’s why things are the way they are for Blacks. They’re not trying hard enough.”

But the Kerner Commission debunked all of that. Federal agents investigated the circumstances Blacks were in and concluded, “This is America’s fault. We’ve been screwing them over literally since the day they got here, and now we’re pretending we don’t know why things are so bad for them.”

Why are they poor? Because they’re denied jobs.

Why aren’t they educated? Because they’re denied education.

Why are they criminals? Because they can’t get jobs or go to school.

Why are their families broken? Because we paid their mothers to be single.

And what did the government do once the Kerner Commission was complete?

Nothing.

They just said, “Oh…well…ok…” and that was that.

What the government wanted to hear was: “Black people are lazy. They’re naturally move violent than everyone else. They don’t want to work. They hate school. They like drugs. They like to break the law.” But when that didn’t happen, the report was shelved.  

Now it’s the 1970s, and Blacks are experiencing another swell of pride and culture. They’re letting their hair grow without altering it in any way, the “Black is Beautiful” slogan is popularized, and Black fictional characters in media are standing up to White people...which was unheard of before. This led to the 1980s where Blacks and Whites were slowly integrated in mainstream TV shows and films. You didn’t really see racially mixed casts before then. It was either virtually all black, or virtually all white.

Once Hollywood realized Blacks actually are marketable on their own, Blacks were able to produce their own projects with Hollywood’s help. From the mid-1980s up until the late 1990s, you saw many Black sitcoms and films doing quite well, and for the first time ever, the Black middle class was getting attention. Before this time, Blacks were typically depicted as working class or upper class in the media. People did not really think a Black middle class existed.

Unfortunately, even today, Hollywood is not too comfortable with Blacks who don’t “act Black,” so to speak. Those who run the media believe the only Black person who is marketable is one who portrays some sort of stereotype. And what happens is people believe these stereotypes are true while ignoring the millions of Blacks who aren’t in the service industry, who aren’t drug addicts, who aren’t criminals, who aren’t poor, who aren’t violent, who aren’t entertainers, etc. 

Whenever a Black person comes along and says, “Actually, most Black people aren’t like that. And I’m living proof,” the response is, “Well you’re not REALLY Black, though. You act White.”

Presently, these attitudes continue. Many people still ignore history and say the reason Blacks are the way they are is because they’re not trying hard enough. Many still say, “You’re not really Black if you don’t [insert stereotype here],” and many discriminate against Blacks in order to subconsciously gain approval from Whites.

And even present-day Freedman’s Bureau tactics are reviled. Many non-Blacks think Historically Black Colleges & Universities are racist and unfair. They think anything specifically designed to help a Black person is unfair. They think if a Black person is successful, then he/she doesn’t really deserve it and must’ve had some unfair advantage nobody else had. But when you actually do your homework, you’ll see these “advantages” don’t really help Blacks as much.

Whites were given land, loans, jobs, healthcare, education…and this has helped them to prosper for generations. Asian-Americans benefited because they largely came after racial discrimination was outlawed. But Blacks? Soon as they get a scholarship, it’s “not right,” and it’s “reverse racism.” Do you honestly, truly believe a $5,000 NAACP scholarship will boost all Black people beyond the ramifications of slavery and legalized discrimination which lasted from 1619-1968? Do you know how long that is? That’s 349 years. That means Blacks have had complete freedom for 51 years now, but have been in the country for 400 years.

So don’t sit there and get upset that a Black kid got into Harvard although his SAT score was a little bit lower than a White kid’s. Don’t call it “unfair.” Don’t have a fit because the BET Awards exist, but the WET Awards don’t. And don’t call your state representative to complain that the black girl got the job over you despite being a little less qualified when you’re literally benefitting from the fact that her family wasn’t allowed access to basic necessities for 349 years.

Do your homework. 

Well, you don’t have to, because I just did it for you.

Black people have a long way to go, and sadly, those alive today will not live to see the day where the consequences of slavery and discrimination are long gone. A scholarship here and a job there is a step in the right direction, but it’s not the end. 

And it’s definitely not “unfair” considering what Blacks have had to endure just to get it.

[eddievee]

Gay and Sober

I’m intimidated by the thought of writing about this. There are multiple reasons as to why I perhaps shouldn’t express these thoughts. However, I have a problem. I have a problem and I feel as though trying to articulate it will help me cope. It is my hope that friends and family members will read this and understand my struggle. Maybe they or someone on the internet could also find solace in my story.

Basically, I have a drinking problem. Call me an alcoholic. Call me an addict. Any term under the umbrella of substance abuse likely applies. I write this at twenty four. Looking back over the past liquored up eight years of my life, the most traumatic experiences and biggest setbacks I’ve endured have had to do with alcohol. I pinned a guy in my dorm to the ground at eighteen and nearly got expelled from university. I went psychotic at twenty-one, experiencing auditory hallucinations and paranoid delusions. My psychiatrist deduced that it all transpired because I went off of my psychoactives cold turkey and started to self-medicate with wine. That turn of events forced me to withdraw from school for almost a year. In that time, I left random objects on my university president’s doorstep and nearly got arrested for trespassing. I also showed up drunk to the undergraduate library after withdrawal from classes and had to be escorted out by police. My relationship with alcohol is distinctly self-destructive and volatile. In March, I got hit by a motorist after a night out of drinking. I had recently quit a managerial position after over two years working there, lined up a prospective job with greater pay, and a couple of my coworkers bought me Jack Daniel’s as a farewell present. I wrote a goodbye letter that evidently still has a place of honor in the store. It was a bittersweet goodbye, but I was leaving a staff that I knew was going to miss me. From my end, that feeling was mutual. I also had a solid positive reference in my back pocket from my time there. I was ecstatic. To leave a job I really didn’t like was fabulous. To feel as though I was moving on in my career was even better. It was time to celebrate, of course! So, I imbibed. I guzzled hard liquor by myself and went to my usual haunt. I drank more there and tried to ride home on my bicycle. That’s when it all happened. The injury was severe. I sustained contusions on both sides of my frontal lobe and cracked a few bones in my skull. Emergency services were called and I was rushed to the hospital. There, it was determined that I was at a .27 blood alcohol content. Had I consumed a couple more drinks that night, I would have been legally dead. At the hospital, I was put into a medically induced coma and given a room in intensive care. The coma lasted roughly a month and I received inpatient physical, occupational, and speech therapy for another month before discharge. Multiple doctors, nurses, and therapists told me that based on the severity of the injury, I was expected to be discharged by November. I remember visiting the intensive care unit after being moved to the rehab unit. Multiple doctors and nurses who managed my case expressed verbal and physical disbelief that I was standing and walking. Several entered the unit for their shift, saw me, and would throw their hands in the air and turn around before greeting me. I don’t know the totality of their experiences in medicine, but I imagine several of their cases don’t end up walking and talking a month after coming out of a coma. They were unquestionably shocked to see me so relatively well.

Basically, I almost died. Mortality was clarified for me in March. The physical toll alone was nothing short of traumatic. In spite, I’m happy that my recovery has gone so unexpectedly well. I’ve gained 25 pounds of muscle back, I was discharged from outpatient therapies after two weeks, and I’m now looking at the possibility of returning to work. However, I’m not totally well right now. Despite all of the strides I’ve made over the past three months, I know I have an immense amount of work to do to get healthy again. However, I’m ill at this point for reasons unrelated to the somatic impact of my auto accident. The psychological consequences of my injury came later and asymmetrically. With the physiological component consuming most of my time, energy, and focus initially, I simply didn’t know how what happened was going to impact my mental health. With BPD on my diagnostic record, I’ve been depressed, anxious, and occasionally psychotic for much of my adult life. I’ve been in and out of psychiatry and psychotherapy since I was 18 years old. I’ve been hospitalized for psychological reasons twice. Having a degree in psychology and women’s studies, I know the annals and the phenomenology of mental suffering. Through both talk therapy sessions and undergraduate study, I am familiar with coping mechanisms and understand quite a bit about mental illness as a whole. With that said, the knowledge doesn’t necessarily lead to better mental health outcomes for my own struggles. I shouldn’t be drinking at all. In certain traumatic brain injury cases, to consume alcohol is to possibly have a seizure. I also developed blood clots in the hospital and was put on a powerful blood thinner. I’m off that prescription now, but it could have had complications with hard liquor. None of that kept me away from the bottle. I experienced a radical shift. Prior to the injury, I was working overtime hours every week and dating someone I was passionately in love with. He had a key to my apartment after one week of love drunk stupor. Suddenly, I was unemployed and single, my boyfriend breaking up with me in a hospital bed. It was jarring. That particular adjustment was perhaps as traumatic as the injury itself. I had free time and loneliness and ample opportunity for self loathing. Libations were perfect to indulge that stress and sorrow. Got a problem? Pour some plastic jug vodka on it. Let’s Popov off. I mentioned that I had a history of making serious, lasting, and self destructive decisions by drinking prior to March, but I was always able to control myself. I could stop. Now, I can’t. I can consume an entire fifth of eighty to one hundred proof liquor in one evening. If there’s some leftover when I wake up hungover, I drink it that morning. I can’t handle my liquor anymore. I’ve permanently damaged some friendships by sending weird and alarming text messages when I’m blackout drunk. Normally comprised of suicidal ideation, they’re pathetic pleas of “kill me.” Alongside the profound lack of self control, that depth of depression is what’s particularly alarming to me. I don’t want to get sober, but if I keep going like this, I’m going to die. It’ll be at my hand or with a broken bottle. Maybe both. At the least, my liver will fail or I’ll withdraw into delirium tremens or develop Korsakoff’s amnesia. Something. I’ll say again: I don’t want to get sober. However, little of that has to do with alcohol’s effects on my brain and body. Those certainly are factors, but it’s not the bulk of the story. I don’t need a drink to get through the day. It’s fun to be drunk! I like to party. I like relaxing inhibitions, but I don’t need a drink to function. The social and celebratory elements of drinking make it harder to leave behind. I’ve quit abusing other substances in the past because I was almost always using by myself. I like people more than I like drugs. Alcohol is different because that line between people and drugs is blurrier. There’s a distinctly social component to drinking that bears salience to my life. I’m gay. Bars and clubs, the spaces relegated to LGBT people by dominant culture, are centered around the sales and consumption of alcohol. That’s a fact. I’m also a drag queen, who are hired in part to facilitate that commerce. Alcohol was in the room when I first started to meet other gay guys at sixteen. Its omnipresence throughout my gay young adult experiences make it that much more difficult to go without. Booze is sometimes like an old friend; it has been my chaperone for years.

To leave alcohol behind would make me profoundly anxious, thinking that I would be leaving my friends behind too. My community matters to me. If there’s anything that the experience of surviving traumatic brain injury has solidified in my mind, it’s that I matter to my community as well. I’ve made friends in these spaces for years now. The gay bar has been a critical component to my sense of self and I’m terrified to lose that. A friend of mine might read this portion and roll his eyes. He once told me something like “People you party with are not your friends. They’re people you party with.” That may be true, but it’s connection. There’s a multitude of research literature on how social connections lead to better life expectancies and health outcomes. Unhappily married people tend to live longer than content single people for a reason. I don’t know how to mesh sobriety with my network of relationships in the nightlife scene. These people have welcomed me and held me, laughed with me and wept with me. I’ve devoted so much time and energy to drag performances to express my love and gratitude for my community. I don’t want to be without the people I’ve met in part through drinking. I wouldn’t be here without them. At the same time, many people in my nightlife existence know that I have a problem. I went out the other weekend for a going away party. After leaving the club, I went to my friend’s place and had a 2:00 AM conversation with another friend who didn’t accompany us out to the club. He’s mentally ill, but high functioning, and deeply empathetic. We relate. I asked him about our friends’ perception of my alcoholism. He expressed that even before my accident in March, people would notice how drunk I’d get on a regular basis. He said that some people get that drunk “every six months or so.” With me, it was “like every other week.” He went on to comment on my overall melancholy and bleak outlook on life. He said, “Sometimes, when I see you, it’s like you woke up and happiness wasn’t even a possibility.” Being a depressant, alcohol feeds into my psychological dependency for crisis and sorrow. RuPaul asserted that Katya, Brian McCook, had an addiction to anxiety in season seven of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I feel that. I’m realizing just how intensely accustomed I am to feeling depressed. In drag, I’ve rejoiced in sorrow on stage for years. On multiple occasions, I’ve walked into the bar in full drag makeup and the first thing I hear is “what’s wrong?” It’s not even that the glass is half empty. For me, the glass was never there. To be sad is almost comforting in its combination of introspection and self pity. It’s especially affirming when you feel as though you have a right to that lowness. As Bright Eyes once said, “Sorrow is pleasure when you want it instead.” That pleasure has grown old. I want to do more than just survive in spite of crisis. I’ll say this: I don’t know if I’m going to get sober from alcohol. In my recent brief attempts at sobriety, I’ve recognized just how much temperance culture permeates United States media. You’d be challenged to walk down the main street of any major city and not see at least one advertisement for liquor. The push and pull relationship of Puritanical abstinence from indulgence and the American civic duty of reckless consumption is powerful. That relationship is also undeniably profitable. With that said, my pro and con list of continuing to drink is getting grimmer. What I need to do becomes more obvious after each fifth of bottom shelf whiskey, with each morning I wake up hungover, and within each inebriated, suicidal cry for help. To those of you who have been on the receiving end of my substance abuse, I’m sorry. My brother recently found me in my apartment, eyes rolled in the back of my head from drinking to excess. I’ve fallen down stairs at the local gay bar, making an absolute fool of myself. I’ve said alarming, dreadful things in person and online that I regret terribly. In total, I’ve damaged relationships that I’m never going to repair. The problem is when I’m alone. If I’m at the bar and not drinking around you, don’t think it’s completely because of what I’ve expressed here. More than anything, just know that I have a drinking problem. It exists unarguably within and outside the context of my near death experience. I wrote that I was unsure of how to simultaneously be sober and be present at the spaces where I’ve made loving relationships. This is my attempt. Know that I want to be around, but I simply can’t do it like I used to. I need to get sober from alcohol. At the very least, I should. It’s going to be a tall order, but less lethargy and fewer depressive episodes sound fabulous. Thank you.

[realrealguylin]

2020 Reflections/Updates

Missions

I did a one week mission trip to Jordan in the start of 2020. I’ve sent out a prayer update letter about that before, please let me know if you want to read it!

Work

Work has been a wild ride over the course of 2020.

After I returned from my Jordan missions trip in the first week of February, there was a flurry of things that happened, so I will try to recount them.

One of my coworkers/supervisors/friends had some tense moments with our director while I was on a trip. This director was actually a substitute director because our actual director was on another project. So she didn’t really have a working relationship with my friend.

Once I got back, the tense moments continued and there was a lot of misunderstandings or just blowing things out of proportion in peoples’ own minds.

This led to my friend resigning from the job. He was able to find work with his mom’s startup/research.

My friend had previously told his mom about working with me, what we do, and I guess this left a strong impression on her about my skills because she called me one time to ask if I wanted a position with her. This was very out of the blue because I wasn’t necessarily looking for another job, I felt comfortable where I was but after my friend left and I was left to work with our sub director, I also personally did not like the direction of the management.

I prayed about it and talked with some people and decided that taking this new position was an open door that God was giving to me.

Currently I work for a startup called Mood Lifters. https://moodlifters.com/ You can read more about it, but we like to call it “Weight Watchers for mental health.” My boss, who is my friend’s mom, is also a professor at UM and developed this program as part of her research. My salary is funded by grants from the UM, actually, as this startup is in partnership with UM for research purposes (so I get health benefits, which I didn’t at my old job).

What I do for the startup is that I manage the data. Considering this is partially research there’s a lot of data. Demographic data, data from surveys our participants take, feedback comments, etc. I put them in a database which I had to develop from scratch, and I help manage the app we contracted a company design. I pull the data when needed and analyze it for my boss when requested. Usually this data is for presenting at presentations she gives or grant requests she is writing. I am the only person doing this, so it’s an important role.

My experience at this job has had its ups and downs. The very first week I started was the first week of quarantine in Michigan... so that was an interesting leg to start on. So I had to get used to working remotely on top of meeting my coworkers and learning the systems we were working with. I also had no idea what I was doing because there was no previous data manager to tell me the state of things so as I said, I was developing everything from scratch, which is what I signed up for.

So there were definitely learning moments - times I made mistakes with the data, times where I wasn’t working at the pace my boss expected (apparently her expectations are so high even her PHD mentees get scared of her), and slow times where I didn’t have much to do. But I learned from these moments and I’m especially thankful for our Science Officer, who is basically my working supervisor. She’s a recent PHD, very chill, and very understanding. We can’t work in the same office, but she’s more on the grounds and I feel like I can have those “quick office meetings” with her. At this point, I’ve reached a good, working rhythm for my role.

So as it is now February, my funding for 1 year was about to expire. It’s actually crazy to me that’s it already been almost a year and that I lasted this long, because there were points in the summer where I definitely felt like I’d get fired because of the difficulties, but praise God we’re here. So this past week I emailed my boss to start the conversation about what will happen going forward - is there more funding or if not, when will I end? To my surprise, my boss called me 5 minutes later saying she already begun the process of getting more funding and I have been approved for at least 6 months, it not more! She also commented that I’ve been doing a good job and that my supervisor really enjoys working with me. All I can say is that I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to this point, because it wasn’t easy and I can’t say that I’m doing a perfect job but I’m thankful because God got me here. I would have never imagined I’d be at a different job a year ago, but this is the story of my life - God always provides at just the right time. I actually found out that at my old job, they started furloughing people due to covid and my position would have been on that list, so I would’ve been unemployed. God always knows best!

Church

Our church has been virtual ever since quarantine started in Michigan. There was a short spurt where we tried to be in person, but for the safety and love of our congregation, we’ve been sticking to virtual. It’s definitely not the same to be virtual, but I do think it challenges us to rework our standards. Church is not just a building after all, and it reminds me of how the early church in Acts was scattered from persecution, so they were physically apart, but the church multiplied, actually, because everyone had different spheres of influence. More on this thought in a second.

At this point last year I wasn’t leading a Life Group. I was just a member, trying to get adjusted to our single adult ministry but still on the Executive Team of our church. I was considering what to do in terms of renewing commitments etc but didn’t feel like I had any convictions yet. That changed one night. Another leader in our church randomly messaged me about how in their LG, a senior was sharing about their plans after graduation. They planned to move back to their home country and pursue their passions of outreach ministry. What does this have to do with me? Well it turns out, I was the person who suggested to them to explore this passion through our Outreach Team in our church because I was the person who was assigning his ministry team in our church. I’ve actually never had a LG with this senior and have had no significant conversations with him since that initial assignment, but even just from that one encounter, it’s changing the course of his life. The leader encouraged me that non of my ministry efforts were in vain. This “random” message really sparked something in me. It reminded me of the joys of discipleship, of walking together with people, and seeing them grow in their talents and passions - having front row seats. And, having a year off from leadership - I really missed having the platform to do that. Not to say you can’t do that without a title, but the platform gives you moments like this. And so I decided I want to commit to that, through our church again. So I’m a LG leader again, in the Focus ministry.

Starting in May 2020, I’ve been leading LGs. For this calendar year, we are doing split gender groups, remotely. It’s definitely... different than what I’ve experienced in the past. I’ve found myself having to really stretch my creative juices to think of ways to foster community in remote ways. So now we do things like virtual birthdays, or group watch parties for Sunday Celebration to simulate “going” together, or having dinner together remotely.

I’ve had a LG in the Summer and one in the Fall. Based on what I shared previously, I really wanted to be involved in people’s lives and their growth. I think Covid has definitely been a hindrance to this, but in addition to that, it looks different with working adults as opposed to college students. It’s true what they say: college is a formative time in someone’s life. They’re still learning about themselves, and figuring who they want to be in this life. So as a leader, you get to see that grow and develop. Post-grad (for most of my members) though, people have gone through that already. Especially in our Focus ministry, where I deem it as a “transition” time for a lot of people. A lot of them are waiting... waiting to get into grad school, waiting for a better job, waiting to move, waiting to get married. But what does it look like to be faithful, now? We actually had a whole Bible study series over the summer about this. All this to say, I’m still trying to figure it out for myself, and then also how to lead others in this stage of life.

I will say, one joy and privilege I do get, is I’ve been paired with various co-leaders who are leading for the first time. Being able to pour in years of experience into them has been very rewarding. Also you get to see potentially a different side to some of them, or you see the talents that God has given them that they might not see for themselves. I even got to lead with someone I discipled while he was an undergrad, and now we’re both in this working adult life stage - God is faithful!

Home Life

Not really sure what to call this miscellaneous section, but I’ll just call it my “home life.”

I believe in my last update I talked about moving off-campus. My roommates and I found a place (basically) across the street and moved again in May. We each have our own room now, and the place is quite spacious. I personally don’t have any problems with having a roommate, but the others wanted their own space. This is my first (?) time not having a roommate, actually. I understand why people like it so much. You can go to sleep and wake up whenever you want without disturbing someone and you can keep the room as clean or as dirty as you want. Also we each get our own bathroom so that’s comfy, too.

Like many others, I have been working from some since quarantine started. I’ve set up a desk near the living room. I just enjoy being out there as opposed to being cooped up in my room. It’s brighter, more lively, and I get to see the roommates past by once in a while. The only downside is if I have a meeting at night - I have to move to my room with no desk to answer the Zoom call.

My roommates have been working from home too. It’s a stark contrast against when all three of us would be commuting to work. It feels like instead of having lived with them for 2 years, It’s been 10 years. When you see a person not just everyday, but many hours per day, you’ve accelerated the timeline. I’m thankful for that, though, because who knows when they’ll move so getting time to get to know them now is a silver lining while being forced to work from home.

At first, when you work from home, it feels like a gift.. but then soon you realize if you don’t set limits for yourself, “home” will always feel like a potential arena for “work” and then you never really leave mentally.. It’s a good test of work-life balance. I think I’ve gotten into a decent routine and have a rough schedule everyday so I can be consistent and when I “get off” work, I’m mentally relaxed.

Outside of working and online church, I don’t do much. There are literally spans of 4-5 days, up to a week, where I don’t set foot outside. And then I’ll go out to drive my car for something and it hits me “wow, this is my first time outside in a week.” I’ve been watching a lot of anime shows with my roommate. This is a rough list of everything I’ve ever watched, some within the last year as well as my current watches https://myanimelist.net/animelist/linguy?status=2.

I’ve also been playing a lot of video games, I made a list here as well... https://howlongtobeat.com/user?n=GeneralTso&s=games&completed=1

Every few weeks I visit my mom since my weekends aren’t occupied with going to church. She’s doing well, she works part time at a restaurant, and it’s all takeout. Im working on getting her scheduled for a vaccine.

On the Horizon

This would be the section where I put things I look forward to... but it’s hard to make any long term plans for now.

I guess... I’m looking forward to the day when I can start looking forward to things- when we can start planning trips, we can freely watch movies in theaters, or have birthday parties, or eat restaurants.

Until then, I’m just being faithful with what I have.

Prayer Requests

Pray for our return to normalcy.

Pray for vision for the future. I know of some friends who are going to various countries to do missions for a short-term and thinking about doing that lights a fire under me to not just settle but keep fanning the flame.

Pray for peace. Recently I feel like God is giving me peace about just where I’m at in life, but it’s still very easy to compare life circumstances with others around my age. I want to believe that I’m right where God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading so far! Here are some pictures I dug up

Christmas Hot Pot!

Some of us in Focus did shopping for to partner with a charity

“Socially distant” LG Close Outs

Covid Birthday Parties