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amphii-writes · 4 years ago

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Random Haikyuu Head Canons I Have

these are all taken from my discord server cause i remember to write them there, if you want to request fanfics, my requests are W I D E open! there is also nO order! these are just all the headcanons i could find tbh

warnings: mentions of blood, and just overall wild times, swearing

Asahi loves knitting sweaters because his shoulders are broad and he also loves seeing the reactions from his teammates when they get a sweater from him! He says he buys them but he doesn’t

Aone likes knitting socks because he has big feet and he loves fluffy knee high socks but his team will never know

Asahi and Aone regularly hang out and knit together! (after asahi wasnt scared of him anyways)

Nishinoya gives you shiny rocks he finds because “your eyes shine like them!”

Yamaguchi likes to have your head rest on his chest while cuddling!

Aone likes to bake

Aone dressed like a polar bear because koganegawa told him to- halloween was amazing

daICHI HAS A KISS THE COOK APRON

Daichi secretly can make some kick ass steak and is amazing at grilling sorry

Okay but real talk, Kenma and Yaku swear like sailors and it scares everyone because they always whisper the most foul, insulting things under their breath. Hearing it is like seeing a cryptid

Speaking of cryptids, Fukunaga and Shibayama are THE most true crime, mythology, and mystery obsessed fanatics on the team and often fanboy about it together

Fukunaga’s obsession with moth man has gotten to an unhealthy stage

Kenma absolutely had a vampire phase and has read twilight. Only Kuroo knows and has sworn to secrecy via blood pact

Kuroo’s a musical nerd. Knows all of the lyrics to Hamilton, BMC, DEH, Heathers, Rent, Beetlejuice, Etc. Kenma considered dropping him because of it

Iwaizumi tells the worst dad jokes and Kyotani, wanting to beat him, started doing it too and it drives everyone insane

Yahaba and Matsukawa get along surprisingly well. Both are true crime freaks and bond over their forensic files obsessions

Matsukawa didn’t really like his thick eyebrows so he got one of his female friends to pluck it for him, but almost cried and gave up after the first hair. Oikawa called him a pussy for the next year

Hanamaki jokingly flirts with everyone on the team so most of them just got used to it, but it still confuses Kindaichi to the point of mental breakdown

Makki called Kyotani ‘puppy’ as a joke once and now mad dog is truly terrified of him

Kyotani’s dog absolutely ADORES Oikawa and it’s the funniest shit to the rest of the team

Mattsun and Makki play DnD and once convinced Yahaba and Kyotani to join. Kyotani kept rolling to fight everyone and Yahaba was a bard that kept rolling to seduce everyone. They kept yelling across the board so they had to kick them out

Outside of his school uniform, Goshiki specifically wears only plaid

Tendou makes little chocolates for the whole team every once in a while so they don’t think he’s scary

Semi and Shirabu once had a fistfight in an abandoned McDonald’s parking lot while Tendou filmed and Goshiki cheered them on

Everybody makes fun of Shirabu’s haircut but nobody dares to say it to his face. its gotten to the point where they say he got it done by a blind old lady

There’s a running joke about Shirabu also getting his haircut from prison but Goshiki is starting to suspect that it may not be a joke

Yamagata and Tendou are good friends with the mutual goal of collecting as much blackmail on their team as possible

Tendou loves animals generally considered to be ‘ugly’ like rats, crows, reptiles, etc.

80% of Goshiki’s playlist is shit overplayed on the radio. Him, Shirabu, Tendou, Kawanishi and Ushijima have a permanent ban from the aux cord

Nobody watches YouTube with Ushijima because he never skips the damn ads (other than tendou)

Suna once said y’all’dn’t’ve unironically and made a first year cry

Akagi once said UwU unironically and had an identity crisis.

Osamu has one of those rainbow gaming keyboards and is constantly on a discord call. Atsumu always yells weird shit in the background to embarrass him and once pretended to be him

During Seijoh group chat arguments. Hanamaki and Mattsukawa like to drop facebook minion memes in just to piss everyone off even more

mattsun and maki both have separate photo albums in their phones labelled ‘minion memes to piss everyone off’

Hinata carries a pocket knife and no one has no fucking idea why

mattsun and maki both have matching rat fursuits that look like they actually where in a sewer- they chased oikawa around

For all his talk of plant analogies and metaphors, Ushijima cant grow shit

Goshiki’s Bangs are the way they are because his favorite character was Rock Lee from Naruto

Oikawa has watched Ouran High School Host Club front to back so many times and he can quote all of Tamaki’s lines by heart -He keeps bothering Iwaizumi to “be his Haruhi, since you’re shorter than me”

Koganegawa has definitely gone as an Angry Bird for Halloween

Fukunaga has those reflective cat eyes, and he has terrified Yamamoto on several occasion

Hanamaki and Matsukawa have a teddy bear that they pretend is their child and they share custody

Suga always sprays whipped cream straight into his mouth whenever he sees a can

Nishinoya definitely bit people as a kid

Nishinoya would be the guy to wear shorts all year round and even if it's snowing, he'll insist he's not cold

Tendou is still stuck in his emo phase and would fangirl over Creepypasta with me and I appreciate that (me too buddy, me fuckin too)

Kyoutani LOOKS like he’d listen to viking death metal, but in reality he listens to Mother Mother and knows all the words to Ghosting

Sugawara would definitely encourage me to dumb shit and not stop me, and you’re all dumb for thinking he wouldn’t

KENMA IS NOT ‘uwu owo’ SHY, HE IS ‘your fucking gross’ SHY SO LITERALLY STFU

Bokuto listens to Nicki Manaj. And knows all the words. To every. Single. Song.

Ushijima for some reason knows an odd amount of 90′s-2000′s R&B and he will hum along to the songs if they come on the radio (he also loves Dolly Parton) ((he says he relates to her music))

Bokuto once ate instant ramen for an entire month

TERUSHIMA DID TRY TO FUCK A PLANT WHILE SHITFACED AND GOD I STAND BY WHAT I SAID

atsumu let’s you put makeup on him and pretends to eat the brushes (do yk what im talking about- like n o m)

tendou ran for school president as a joke but actually won

i 100% believe that all of karasuno’s third years apologize when they bump into inanimate objects, but when suga is really tired or stressed out, he’ll yell at them instead.

Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Taketora have a group chat called "Bros who want sum hoes" and they send each other hypebeast memes and shit

Sugawara knows how to do a bunch of flexible shit because he sometimes goes to yoga with daichi and asahi's moms, its fucking hilarious

tanaka and noya both breakdance- they work as a team and sometimes go to tokyo for underground competitions- saeko drives them

Daichi knows a little ballet- nobody other than Kiyoko knows because they saw each other at the ballet class and had to work together- dont tell tanaka and noya that he lifted her though

Osamu once put glitter on Atsumu's pillow- he still finds hot pink glitter on shit

kita knits and crochets with his grandma

Kita's grandma knows everyone's names because kita talks shit bout them, her favorite is Aran

Kuroo has burnt his eyebrows off doing an experiment. His goggles didn't cover all his brows,,, so he just showed up to practice like that. No eyebrows and a chemical burn

kenma has played all kinds of games, but he was dared to play corpse party by kuroo. He wasn't scared because of the gore, he was thinking about the trauma the characters went through. Punched kuroo the next day because that game was fucked up

Lev isn't a strong swimmer, so he often grabs people by the head to keep himself up. happened with kenma and lev couldn't walk due to the force of kenmas suprised water kicks

akaashi has those fancy pens that you have to dip in ink and they're so nice

Bokuto has and will eat pencil erasers again

Daichi once almost lost his shit at his team but instead he lost his shit at the door that decided to stub his toe on the way out of the gym. not the best thing to be found yelling to.

Yamaguchi for sure has been dragged to one of terushimas parties because he didnt wanna say no. oh and terushima has like frat boy level parties too. Yams has for sure had some wild nights and doubts anyone other than Tsukishima and the party-goers will ever know

Akaashi can actually flirt very well! He reads romance novels sometimes and has analyzed any and every book in his possession! so he's actually quite charming

Daihsou unironically posted on twitter after mika broke up with him "I still see her shadows in my room"

Mattsun and Maki run a fake oikawa account; its been going ever since twitter even started getting popular and they even started sending messages in spanish. The posts would range from "I love all my fans!" to flirting with them :) Oikawa is pissed cause the account got verified before he did and most of his fans also follow the fake oikawa. Tooru has no idea who runs it JUST IMAGINE OIKAWA JUST LIKE RANTING TO THE SEIJOH 3RD YEAR ALUMNI AND JUST "no Iwa-chan, you dont understand! they run a fake account and pretend to be me!" while makki and mattsun laugh their asses off

Oh, kenma for sure has pretended to be a girl on discord and has gotten someone to buy him stuff. after they do he says in his normal voice "fucking simp" and then hangs up and blocks the other persons discord

Yamamoto, despite his rough appearance, loves kids and has and will be a human jungle gym

suna in middle school had a game with his friends about who could make kids cry the fastest

The twins switched places back in middle school and nobody could tell because of how great they are at acting like eachother

Daichi once arrested coach ukai for public intoxication after a game :|

Daichi has arrested many people from his old volleyball team but the most memorable case was when he arrested tanaka and noya for reckless driving. poor idiots got so scared when they saw their old captains face in their mirror and started to pray

tanaka, while trying to intimidate someone, once said "You dont gotta tell me twice, i may be straight but these hands are bisexual" and he often cringes at night thinking about it

Kageyama, as a comeback to Tsukishima, said "one thing about us royalty is that we love to feast" and he also fuckin hates what he said

the third years made a cult for Kiyoko. they chant every wednesday "i'll do anything for kiyoko, she makes me go loco"

oikawas fangirls are known to be fucking rabid

yAMAMOTO AND KENMA AFTER THEIR FIGHT WERE FORCED BY KUROO TO MAKE IT UP: so they dyed their hair together

Makki and mattsun sang two trucks in front of the entire team. everyone was so confused. Makki: "twO TRUCKS HAVIN SEX!!" Mattsun: "oH yEs!"THEY'D SWITCH OFF AND HAVE LIKE CHOREOGRAPHY TOO LIKE THEY'D DO A TANGO WHILE THE SONG IS LIKE "two beer trucks, making love"

tendou once called Oikawa "mr. no-nationals" and got kicked in the shins before iwaizumi could save him

Tsukishima had a my little pony phase

you work with matsukawa at a morgue and he makes dead people jokes while you fix some dead guys face with wax and makeup he'd be like "so didnt he like,,, stick his head out of the sunroof of a moving fuckin car??" he'd be singing dumb ways to die the entire day

i feel like Kuroo has one crazy accident a year. like it might not be deadly but its fucking crazy like for example: Kuroo for sure has ridden in a shopping cart at past midnight with kenma (who pushed him down a hill) causing Kuroo to get scratched up hella well. he lied and said he spent the night with a girl and kenma fucking hated himself cause he would be the girl if that was true

Mattsun has flirted with the 4th years moms before (AS A JOKE), and because of this: he is known as “fuckin milf hunter” sometimes by the team

Warning, this next headcanon is talking about cannabis, weed, mary jane, the zoink root. so if your uncomfortable, please dont read below :)

dude i wanna get high as SHIT with Asahi

i think Asahi would be one of those mfkers who takes one hit and is gone

ASAHI ACCIDENTALLY GOING TO PRACTICE ZOINKED

IMAGINE HIM SEEING TSUKISHIMA AND JUST "he looks so judgemental,,, im scared"

OR LIKE A MAD DAICHI AND JUST "i'm gonna,,, im gonna go jump out the window now"

Noya and Tanaka would know tho, i feel like they'd have a 6th sense when it comes to weed. they probably get some from Saeko cause she'd rather they do it in the house. they'd smell asahi like fucking dogs and just so,,, big guy had fun without us huh?

DAICHI WOULD KNOW ABOUT ASAHI BEING ZOINKED, SMASH HIS FACE INTO THE WALL, TURN AROUND WITH A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD AND WITH A BEAMING SMILE AND FEUX ENTHUSIASM SAY: "YOSH, LETS WARM UP!"

#haikyuu #hq #haikyuu!!#haikyuu crack #haikyuu boys #haikyuu x reader #haikyū!!#haikyu x reader

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siren1song · 4 years ago

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Let’s Go Out with a Bang

Summary: Patton’s got a bit of a double life, and people from both lives end up meeting each other. Well... this should be interesting.

Warnings: Mentions of drugs, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex

Word Count: 1,360

Taglist: @acanvasofabillionsuns, @emo-disaster, @greenninjagal-blog, @jungle321jungle, @sleepy-sides, @gattonero17, @another-sandersidesblog, @strawberryjellystuff, @remusownsmyuwus, @logic-with-a-pinch-of-deceit, @gr3ml1n-loser, @main-chive, @kiribakuandcats, @firey-alex, @orca-iguana, @spooky-scary-virgil, @yalltookmyurlideas

Notes: I’ve been trying to work on this. For ages. And I’m so glad it’s done now. Feral Patton everyone.

Commissions!! | Buy Me a Kofi!! | Join Casper’s Crew!! | Ao3 Link!!

Patton sometimes felt like he led a double life. This was because he had two totally different friend groups, neither one aware of the other or how he acted with either group.

There was his friend Logan, Roman, and Emile. They were great people, and he loved hanging out with them, though he preferred to act more on the tamer side with them. He enjoyed watching cartoons, talking about Disney, and learning about new things scientists were discovering all the time.

It was a fun time! And sure, he may throw the innocent act on a little hard at times, but it was funny watching Roman and Emile stumble around themselves when a dirty joke was made and he pretended not to understand.

Then there were his other friends. Virgil, Janus, Remus, and Remy. All of them knew how he really acted, especially at night when they were partying at some college party or practically taking over a club with their enthusiastic feral energy.

Patton made dirty jokes, he’s had one night stands, he’s gotten absolutely wasted. Hell, he’s also tried some drugs at Remus’ request though those he wasn’t really in favor of.

He even swears like a sailor, and has slept with all four of those friends at some point or another, though it all remained strictly casual because Patton didn’t really do romance. Patton preferred platonic relationships and sexual intimacy over romantic intimacy and actions, and Remy was right along with him in that, providing the label aromantic when he wondered about it idly.

It was a nice label, and Patton wore it proudly in both groups. Which meant he probably should have expected them all eventually meeting each other during Pride.

“Patton?” Roman spoke up, drawing Patton’s attention from the knitting project he was working on.

There was no way he could have predicted seeing Janus over Roman’s shoulder, eyebrow raised at seeing Patton’s more subdued dad aesthetic compared to the feminine punk style he liked to sport when he spent time with him and the others.

“Hey kiddo, what’s up?” he asked, smiling as he leaned back in his chair and set his knitting in his lap.

This should be an interesting conversation.

“You know Janus? As in the yellow punk dude who’s been driving Logan insane in his philosophy classes?” Roman asked, stepping inside the room and giving Janus the opportunity to lean against the door frame.

Patton fought back a giggle because according to Janus, Logan has also been sleeping with him for two weeks.

“I’d say we’re pretty good friends, yeah!” was his response, Janus coughing to cover up a laugh that Roman caught.

Narrowing his eyes, Roman looked between the two of them before sighing.

“Is there something you’re not telling me, padre?”

Patton shrugged, shifting his project and yarn to the table by his chair and getting a bit more comfortable.

“There’s a lot I’m not telling both of you, I’m willing to answer questions though, if you have any.”

“Just like that?” Janus asked, squinting at Patton suspiciously.

Patton grinned in a way he usually only did around his feral group of friends, mischievous and sly.

“Of course not, what do you take me for, JayJay? I’m not boring.”

“Woah, what?” Roman interrupted, staring at Patton with wide eyes and prompting the giggles Patton had held back earlier.

“That’s what I thought,” Janus said, ignoring Roman’s confusion, ��so what’s the price this time, Fae?”

“Fae?” Roman asked incredulously, getting a little more frantic in his search for answers.

Patton just hummed, tapping his chin in thought.

“You pay for a whole night of clubbing with me and Remus-”

“You know my brother?!”

“-and I’ll answer whatever you want,” Patton continued as if Roman had never interrupted.

Janus nodded, though he seemed to wince at the affect that would have on his wallet.

“Hello? Roman here is very confused and would like some answers!” Roman said, finally pulling Patton’s attention to him.

“Ah, sorry Ro! I’ll answer whatever you want after JayJay, okay?” he said, smiling apologetically.

Roman moved to plop on the couch, staring at Patton with wide eyes.

“I… sure. Okay, why not.”

Patton would reach over to pat his leg, if he wasn’t on the far end of the couch.

Janus cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes at Patton suspiciously.

“Why do I have to pay but Roman doesn’t?”

Patton raised an eyebrow, giving Janus a sweet smile they both could tell was fake.

“I dunno, why does Roman know your name when it took me two years to graduate from Dee to Jay and another to Janus?”

Janus flushed, glancing at Roman before looking away.

Ah, he likes him and Logan then.

“Never mind. What’s with the dad get up?” he asked, very quickly moving on and earning a snicker from Patton.

“I like it,” was Patton’s answer.

“Right, and the punk style I usually see you in?”

“I like it too.”

Janus nodded, looking Patton over for a second.

“Lack of swearing?”

“Swearing?” Roman whispered, distressed as he looked at Patton, who was struggling not to laugh.

“Don’t usually do it outside the group,” he answered, crossing his arms and leaning one elbow against the arm of his chair.

“…Give me one swear and I’ll be satisfied,” Janus said, looking at Roman.

And honestly, Patton couldn’t deny Janus the hilarity of seeing Roman witness Patton cuss for the first time, could he?

“Son of a bitch. Happy?”

Janus swallowed noticeably at Roman’s surprised squeak, clearly forcing back a laugh.

“Very, thank you.”

Patton rolled his eyes, and then looked at Roman apologetically.

“Okay Ro, shoot your questions, I promise I’ll answer.”

Roman just stared at him, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. Patton couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for him, honestly.

“How long? Have you been hanging out with my brother?” he asked, seeming to recover enough to be able to get his words in working order.

Patton hummed, biting his lip and looking up at the ceiling in thought.

“Uh… I think four years? Maybe five? I don’t exactly remember when I joined the group, just know Remus is the one who brought me into it.”

“Four and a half years,” Janus spoke up, earning a thankful grin from Patton before he looked back at Roman.

“There ya have it, four and a half years.”

Roman nodded, then looked at his lap.

“You go clubbing?”

“Every week! Usually Fridays and Saturdays since I don’t have work those days.”

“Right. The days you disappear and we all thought you were volunteering at an animal shelter or something,” Roman said, now pushing his fingers through his hair.

“He’s allergic animal dandruff?” Janus said, clearly confused as he looked at Roman.

“Well, just cats actually. I could probably volunteer at a dog shelter and be fine. Ooh, that sounds fun too, I should do that!”

Patton clapped his hands together in excitement at the idea, trying not to wiggle too much in his chair because his stims weren’t exactly something Janus had seen— at least the ones that weren’t him dancing anyway.

“Fae, focus,” Janus said, clearly amused by Patton’s excited side tracking.

“Right! Yeah, I go clubbing on those days. I also have a tattoo on my shoulder! And I have matching snake bites with Janus! We got them together, it was fun.”

Roman blinked, looking at Patton in confusion.

“I’ve never seen the holes?”

“Do you stare at my mouth often?” Patton teased, grinning widely at Roman’s responding blush.

“Don’t you also have a tongue piercing that you got with Remus?” Janus commented.

Before Patton could answer, Roman made a noise that drew the attention of both him and Janus.

“You were the friend he got that piercing with?”

“Roman, kiddo, I was the friend who did a lot of things with Remus, I don’t really think you want to know the extent of that.”

Patton couldn’t help but feel a mixture of amusement and pity at Roman’s noise of distress.

The conversation clearly wasn’t over yet, but considering how amusing it already was, Patton could not wait for the rest of it.

#casper writes #ts patton #ts janus #ts roman #aromantic patton #mentions of drugs #mentions of alcohol #mentions of sex #patton with a tattoo #patton with piercings #patton just goes off when he's with his feral friends tbfh #we stan

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acciostorian · 4 years ago

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mae reads the kane chronicles: the serpent’s shadow the red pyramid

(aka we see mae go through many emotions in the space of 2-3 days)

holy fuck ive only got to the contents and the chapters have those classic pjo click bait titles i’m so happy rn

WAIT IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT- the serpent’s shadow is the THIRD BOOK. uh-oh i almost fucked this whole series over lemme change the book real quick....

i’m literally on the first page and i’ve already been sent on a mission, so the kanes are THOSE bitches

SADIE AND KANE ARE BRITISH???? omg yes please

THEYRE IN LONDON MY HOME

never fucking mind they’re from LA

oh wait sadie was raised as a british kid. that’s very sexy of her.

carter be like, “you wouldn’t be interested in my dad’s lectures.” SHUT UP CARTER I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT EGYPTIAN PUNISHMENT

so sadie was raised in east london???? THATS SO SEXC BECAUSE ME TOO BOO

sadie has a british accent. a b r i t i s h a c c e n t.

FIT

“six years in london and she thinks she’s james bond” LMAO

sadie’s so emo/alt i love it. does rick always write his characters like this??

sadie pronounces it “mum” and carter says “mom”

it’s so refreshing to read mum ngl

sadie said bloke omg

i’m feeling carter’s pain. little sisters are shits and honestly sadie has the same vibes as my little sister and me and carter are quite similar. i hate this.

oh wow they really said sadie was too white for their family...

sadie did not HESITATE to be like, “yeah dad we’ll lock that guy in his office. mint.”

sadie telling the story is an experience

sadie said “maths” and “mates” in the same sentence. this is some refreshing shit.

sadie’s friends saying carter is hot is fucking hilarious. like it’s a classic piss-off to thirst over your mate’s sibling

THEYRE GETTING DEPORTED????

LMAO AMOS WAS LIKE, “yeah we don’t talk about manhattan. they’ve got their own problems. *cough percy jackson cough*”

i read thoth the god of knowledge as thot the god of knowledge

carter is right, amos has undeniable swag

philip of macedonia. the crocodile. cool.

i love how the greeks and romans be like “if we don’t honour the gods we’ll get SLAUGHTERED” and the egyptians are like “you know what? fuck the gods me and my homies hate the gods”

sadie kane would stab you in a back alley and dance to mcr as you bled to death and carter kane would take you to a museum, tell you everything about everything and then commit a terrorist attack

amos really went “don’t touch anything, the cats in charge and peace out bitches” and then fucking jumped off the balcony of his five storey mansion

sadie made that door go BANG

that fucking clay statue came to life and not one of them screamed. I WOULD SHIT MYSELF.

i’m giggling, all the greek/roman gods have really long/scary/cool sounding names like tartarus and chaos and nyx but the evilest guy in egyptian myth is called set. S E T.

please make muffin some crazy badass animal like crookshanks or swiftwind.

WHO DARES THROW HANDS WITH PHILIP?????

THE SHABTI FUCKING STOLE AN ARTEFACT THATS AMAZING

i love carter sm, even tho he’s scared as fuck he still picked up that ancient sword and was like “ig i’ll bash some heads in whilst sadie holds the cat”

MUFFIN JUST TURNED INTO SOME WARRIOR CAT LADY AND SHE INSTANTLY GAVE ME CATRA VIBES

every cat in new york is helping them

bast jacked that car like it was nobody’s business

i used to think the greek gods were stupid for having so many things to control but honestly the egyptians are taking the piss, do you really need a whole scorpion goddess?

the kane siblings are written so well. like i actually BELIEVE they’re siblings

i think carters gonna become a comfort character now... like i relate on another level. little siblings always take the spot light and you have to act level headed and calm because the younger ones start shit and you’re like “i gotta be the good one because my family would fall to shit if i didn’t behave.” so big kudos to carter, i love you

so carter’s a king huh? I DIDNT NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT RICK I ALREADY KNEW HE WAS

zia was like “king tut?? ugh he was such a boy, there were waaaaay cooler tombs out there x x”

i read “nectanebo II” as “nintendo II” and i was like ??? when was that a thing

i drinking camomile tea whilst reading this and i feel so peaceful uwu

sadie really can do magic like THAT like bitch be like “i just copied what zia did and yeah it worked lol”

okay so i’m sorta feeling bad about sadies life rn but i’m still very pro carter

set’s laugh makes me uncomfortable. because when most villains laugh it’s usually described like “their laugh was like a knife, cold and sharp. i hates it.” but when sadie discribed set’s laugh she was like “it was warm and friendly. beautiful.” LIKE AAAA THATS A RED LIGHT

set: the god of theatre because gods dam is he a good actor

sadie saw some hot emo guy and was like “omg marry me”

iskandar be like “lmao imma speak in alexandria greek all the time but this girl bouta die? i switch to perfect english for dramatic effect”

woooOooaaaah SLOW DOWN THERE BUDDY, tongue tattoos???

zia: you guys will probably suck at this at first but oh well we all can’t be great

sadie: *makes fire first time* wooosh

sadie and kane: *doing cool shit* me and my tea: sluuuurrrp

bast is so sassy i love it

me when it’s a sadie chapter: okay ig :/

me when it’s a carter chapter: HOLY SHIT CARTER HEY OMG YOURE DOING CRAZY STUFF???? COOL. i love you.

bast: so yeah, you’d be stupid to teleport to paris, this is desjardin’s home territory

sadie and kane, lying in the streets of paris: oh cool cool

sadie: like i might die rn but i don’t care, as long as it doesn’t get filmed and put in youtube, that would be embarrassing

like ???? sis get your priorities together smh

sadie: *sees hot emo guy again in her spirit adventure, he hints that’s he’s dead or something*

also sadie: so will i see you again?

“no, an egyptian drink. you’ve heard of hot chocolate? this is rather like hot vanilla.” dam now i want some.

carter is an amazing older brother. he’s written perfectly and he’s a great character to relate to for me. even though sadie can make his blood boil, he dropped everything to calm her down when she was panicking about not being able to change back from a bird. i too have to do that for my little sister - sadie and ava are ironically the same age - so i find that very comforting that there is someone like me to relate to!

‘a businessman with a rolling suitcase was waiting by the doors. his eyes widened when he saw me. i must’ve looked pretty strange — a tall black kid in dirty, ragged egyptian clothes, with a weird box tucked under one arm and a bird of prey perched on the other.

‘“how’s it going?” i said. “i’ll take the stairs.” he hurried off.’ LMAO THIS IS WHY CARTER BABY I LOVE YOU

highkey pissed that carters like “i’m always edgy around the police. once i turned eleven they started giving me the Look. when it doesn’t happen it’s always a pleasant surprise.” LIKE FUCK NO HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WALK AROUND UNHASSLED WHATS WRONG WITH HIM

lmao bast be like “imma jump off this national monument. see ya at the airport in my finest clothes and jewellery x”

FOOD UPDATE: i’m eating a chocolate covered waffles and having some tea and i feel so happy rn sorry i know you don’t care but like aaaaaaa

bast called carter her little tomcat and my heart exploded

bast really likes convertibles huh

thoth: i hate rereading my old writing, my present self would never write like this now!! SOMEONE GET ME A RED PEN

are they... are they going to dig up elvis presley?

might put some elvis in for this part, y’know, to set the mood?

i cant stop reading ‘thoth’ as thot even though i know how to pronounce it

the captain with a axe for a head: my name is bloodstained battle axe 😸

yuh bast did some shit ...

imma stop now because spoilers, GO READ THE KANE CHRONICLES THEY ARE THE MOST UNDERRATED RIORDANVERSE BOOKS X X

#the kane chronicles #tkc #carter kane #sadie kane #tkc bast #mae waffles #rick riordan #riordanverse #did someone say queued?

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aforrestofstuff · 5 years ago

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Okay! I have a burning question for you, my dude. Music is my life, and I wanna know what kind of music the OPM casts listen to. Thanks, my guy!

I had a feeling this would be inevitable lol. I don’t really know a whole lot about music or genres or anything like that so I’m just gonna give you a rundown of each character individually and some song recs along with that just to smooth things out a little. Thanks for your ask, by the way! ❤️ Now my playlists will be put to good use.

A Brief Rundown of the Major OPM Characters’ Music Tastes:

Blast: hc that he doesn’t even have ears since he never fucking LISTENS

Terrible Tornado: Stuff that makes her feel powerful. Loud vocals and good instrumentals. Also, she’s a little angsty since she’s saltier than the gotdamn Pacific almost all of the time. (Recs: Florence and the Machine - How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful, Susanne Sundfør - Delirious, Florence and the Machine - What Kind of Man, Kali Uchis - Dead to Me, Let’s Eat Grandma - Falling Into Me)

Fubuki: some of that real classy shit. Slow songs that are nice to just have a cup of tea with. Nothing too meaty or fast-paced, she enjoys taking a moment to breathe every once and a while since life gets pretty hectic when you’re managing a gang of some 30 hooligans. (Recs: Wes - Midnight Low, any song from Lana Del Rey’s entire discography lol, Florence and the Machine - Grace, The Marìas - I Don’t Know You, Yellow House - Ain’t Gonna Call, Feng Suave - Toking, Dozing)

Silverfang: Stuff from his time. I hc that he was a bit of a party animal back in his prime so he’s gotta have those grooves. Disco to the extremo. Also, another hc: Garou absolutely hates his music. He would play it during training and Garou would contemplate homicide. (Recs: Frankie Valli - Grease, The Edgar Winter Group - Free Ride, KC and the Sunshine Band - I’m Your Boogie Man, Matthew Wilder - Break My Stride, The Main Ingredient - Everybody Plays the Fool, Andrea True Connection - More, More, More)

Bomb: save as Silverfang, although I hc that Bomb was a little more of a nerd growing up. Still, he never missed out on a good party. (Additional Recs: KC and the Sunshine Band - Get Down Tonight, The Trammps - Disco Inferno, Tierra - Together, Cornelius Bros and Sister Rose - Too Late to Turn Back Now)

Atomic Samurai: Old shit. Shit older than Silverfang. He’s really not that old, but his soul is fucking ancient and he’s got that classic “grrr music these days sucks” kind of shithead attitude. (Recs: Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle, Dion - Runaround Sue, The Carpenters - The End of the World, The Band - The Weight)

Child Emperor: Upbeat synth. Stuff to listen to while he’s working on his machines and whatnot. Probably has meaty beats to keep him in tune with what he’s doing, like working around a clock. Probably some groovy citypop in there too. (Recs: Taeko Ohnuki - 4:00 AM, Junko Ohashi - Telephone Number, Tatsuro Yamashita - Magic Ways, Hiroyuki Sawano - NEXUS, Superfly - Kakusei, Mariya Takeuchi - Plastic Love)

Metal Knight: Intrumentals that Disney villains listen to. Deep, dark shit that makes you feel sad. He probably feeds off of negative emotion. What a toolbag. (Recs: Lucas King - Sociopath, Abel Korzeniowski- Table for Two, Max Richter - Never Goodbye, Max Richter - She Remembers, Evelyn Stein - Quiet Resource, Mac Quayle - Adagio in G Minor)

King: video game soundtracks, obviously. Might be some electro funk in there too, as a treat. (Recs: Metal Gear Solid 3 OST - Snake Eater, Mick Gordon - Rip and Tear, Xenoblade Chronicles OST - Main Theme, Persona 5 OST - Last Surprise, Daft Punk - Verdis Quo, Toby Fox - Hopes and Dreams, Disasterpeace - Prologue, iamthekidyouknowwhatimean - Run, Darren Korb - Old Friends)

Zombieman: Dad Music. Old rock that makes you wanna rail some lines of white thunder and dance on top of a car. He’d be reluctant to try out new stuff but does so nevertheless. Just a little bit of weird alternative here and there. (Recs: Poison - Unskinny Bop, Mötley Crüe - Dr. Feelgood, Black Sabbath - War Pigs, Def Leppard - Animal, CRX - Walls, MGMT - Little Dark Age, Pink Floyd - Money, Queens of the Stone Age - Villains of Circumstance)

Drive Knight: Dark synth, obviously. Need I say more? (Recs: El Tigr3 - She Swallowed Burning Coals, Trevor Something - Enjoy the Silence, Greg Drombrowski - Devour, GUNSHIP - Woken Furies, GUNSHIP - Thrasher, Carpenter Brut - Invasion A.D., Kavinsky - Nightcall)

Pig God: this guy probably just listens to ASMR of people eating food lol.

Superalloy Darkshine: Upbeat stuff that’s good for exercise; loving those new jams along with some of the old. He’s got a pretty groovy style. (Diane Ross - Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, Saint Motel - Puzzle Pieces, CRUISR - All Over, Barry White - Never, Never Gonna Give Ya Up, Sade - Kiss of Life)

Watchdog Man: 10 hour loop of wolves howling on a summer night.

Flashy Flash: classical. Some nice instrumentals to listen to while training. Stuff that preferably doesn’t have any or very little lyrics so it’s not too busy on his ears while he’s fantasizing about killing someone. (Recs: Vaughn Williams - The Lark Ascending, Debussy - Rêverie, Grieg - Peace of the Woods, André Laplante - Une Barque sur L’Ocean)

Metal Bat: Modern alternative. A little bit harder than say, Mumen and Kama, but not as hard as Zombieman or Death Gatling. He’s that middle ground where he’s still got some real bangers, but Zenko can listen as well. He’ll play this stuff loudly as he’s doing chores and working out, no headphones ever. It gets pretty annoying. (Recs: Foals - Exits, The Blue Stones - Black Holes, Solid Ground, CRX - Broken Bones, Jungle - Happy Man, The Strokes - Reptilia, We Are Trees - Girlfriend)

Genos: synth. But not just any synth, some heavy, fast-paced synth that’s just like him: speedy, relentless, and powerful. He listens to shit that’ll make you wanna get up and start killing Terminators. Probably. There’s some other synths in the mix too because we love a three-dimensional king. (Recs: Carpenter Brut - Division Ruine, The Protomen - I Still Believe, Carpenter Brut - Leather Teeth, Gunship - Tech Noir, TWRP - Phantom Racer, Le Castle Vania - Red Circle)

Tanktop Master: Dad music but the type of dad music that makes you think your dad was a sappy nerd back in the day. Long tracks that are good for workouts. (Tears for Fears - Woman in Chains, Pink Floyd - Us and Them, Duran Duran - Ordinary World, Billy Idol - Eyes without a Face, A Flock of Seagulls - I Ran, The Alan Parsons Project - Eye in the Sky, Tears for Fears - Sowing the Seeds of Love)

Puri-Puri Prisoner: Pop. Dance music. He doesn’t really get to listen to a lot of music in prison, so he holds on to whatever he can and savors every second of it. (Coldplay - Talk, Bruno Mars - Runaway Baby, Lady Gaga - Bad Romance, Flo Milli - Beef Flomix, Doja Cat - Say So)

Mumen Rider: Hes a lighthearted, soft boy. Likes some fluffy indie tunes. It helps to motivate him when working out or doing hero stuff. He might need to cry every once in a while though, so there’s some sad songs in the mix too. (Recs: Varsity - The Dogs Only Listen to Him, The The - This is the Day, Amarante - Don’t Look Back, Alvvays - Saved by a Waif, The Monkees - As We Go Along, Acid Ghost - Hide my Face, Mogwai - Take Me Somewhere Nice)

Sonic: same as Flash. He’s a little more hip with the times however, so he’s got some more groovy, electronic instrumentals to listen to in addition to some elegant stuff and isn’t opposed to having a little bit of lyrics sprinkled in there as well. In fact, he’s not opposed to uppity pop either. He thinks dancing is frivolous but he secretly does it when he thinks nobody is looking. (Additional Recs: Odesza - Bloom, Pretty Lights - One Day They’ll Know [Odesza Remix], BØRNS - Electric Love, Hembree - Culture, The Cinematic Orchestra - Arrival of the Birds)

Garou: same as Metal Bat. Bang let him have a little MP3 player during his time at the dojo and has since collected a few songs on there. They’re very near and dear to his heart since it’s one of the few good things that came from his absolute disaster of a childhood. (Additional Recs: Foals - Inhaler, CRX - Slow Down, Deep Sea Arcade - Close to Me, Gorillaz - Empire Ants, The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger, Glass Animals - Take A Slice)

Death Gatling: Shit your old Vietnam-vet grandpa would blast on the back of his F150. He gives me self-righteous asshole vibes, if I’m honest. Like, don’t get me wrong, I like Death Gatling, but he seems like the type of trailer park-dwelling sewer rat to carry a revolver into a Walmart for “self defense” and that’s probably the type of music he listens to, too. (Recs: Megadeth - Trust, Megadeth - Angry Again, Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son, Glen Campbell - Southern Nights, Mötley Crüe - Kickstart My Heart, Quiet Riot - Cum on Feel the Noize)

One-Shotter: I hard hc that he had an emo phase he never quite grew out of. He doesn’t quite listen to emo anymore but he’s still into that alternative shit. Homeboy also likes some slow tunes every once and a while because he’s an emotional dude who’s not afraid of a good cry. (Recs: Anything from Blink-182, Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?, MGMT - When You Die, Mazzy Star - Fade Into You, Cigarettes After Sex - Dreaming of You, Yon Ort - Other Matter)

Lightning Max: Same as Genos but without the terminator-killing. Fast-paced stuff because he’s a fast lightning dude. A little more upbeat because he’s not as much as an edgelord as Genos, however. (Additional Recs: Carpenter Brut - Hang’em All, The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize, Worn Tin - Sensitivity, B.E.R. - The Night Begins to Shine, Martin Hall - Different Kind of Love)

Stinger: he’s all about that FUNK! Stuff that gets him moving! Stuff that makes him wanna dance! (Recs: Daft Punk - Doin’ it Right, TWRP - Body Image, Wild Cherry - Play that Funky Music, Chemise - She Can’t Love You, Saga - Wind Him Up, Saga - On the Loose, TWRP - All Night Forever)

Okamaitachi: they give me electro vibes! New, modern shit that’s good to dance to or to just sit down and have a listen! Also, some shit that’ll probably play in a coming-of-age teen movie or something. They don’t really vibe with heavy music and that’s alright, babey! Keeping it light and bouncy. (Recs: Tei Shi - Bassically, Varsity - Must Be Nice, Class Actress - Weekend, CHVRCHES - Richard Pryor, Alvvays - Marry Me, Archie, Sobs - Telltale Signs, Goth Babe - Sometimes, ALASKALASKA - Meateater)

Iaian: Nice, low tunes that are good for meditation and to be used for background noise during training sessions. He never really sits down to listen to music, it’s always in the background of something else he’s doing so he prefers to have some soft beats that don’t really interfere with his senses. Tunes so quiet, he sometimes uses them as lullabies; especially since the trauma of losing his arm has since made it hard to sleep. (Recs: Boy Scouts - Saddest Boy, Susanne Sundfør - Mantra, Vashiti Bunyan - If I Were the Same but Different, Starman Jr. - Blue Fairy, Patrick Watson - Je te Laisserai des Mots, Sibylle Baier - I Lost Something in the Hills)

Bushidrill: same as Atomic Samurai just without the shitty attitude. He’s happy to listen to some newer stuff, he just doesn’t like it and that’s okay, baby! Probably some classy shit your wise old grandpa would listen to. (Recs: Dean Martin - Volare, Dion - The Wanderer, Peppino Gagliardi - Che Vuole Questra Musica Stasera, anything from Luis Miguel lol, Franco Micalizzi - Sadness Theme)

Amai Mask: probably just listens to his own music like a putz. If not, he’s listening to the sound equivalent of glittering diamonds. He’s probably got this shit playing at the end of a long day while he’s chilling in a hot bath or something. (Recs: Fergie - Glamorous, Rita Ora - Hot Right Now, Lana Del Rey - Freak, Lana Del Rey - Art Deco, Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards)

Saitama: He doesn’t listen to music much anymore, sadly. He did, however, have a killer motivational mix to get him through his vigorous training prior to becoming a hero. (Recs: Paul Engemann - Push it to the Limit, Journey - Don’t Stop Believin’, College & Electric Youth - A Real Hero, Joe Esposito - You’re the Best Around, Survivor - Eye of the Tiger, The Bee Gees - Nights on Broadway)

Here’s the playlist with all of these songs in order (mostly):

It’s on YouTube because I’m allergic to Spotify. I’ve got a doctor’s note. Also, all of my other playlists are on my little profile thingy so if you want to listen to my pile then go right ahead.

Thanks for your ask, my dude! ❤️ this took up ALL of my energy lol but it was fun.

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thelowlysatsuma · 6 years ago

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“Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not.” Prinxiety

prompt 15, huh? sounds good

edit: i started this with the intention of making a drabble. next thing i knew, it was not only a full oneshot, but one that i actually bothered to edit until i was near fully satisfied with it. so anon, who asked me for this? thank you. i haven’t finished any writing in so long, and so i’m really grateful that i managed to make this happen.

Love Me Like You

“Stop it!”

Roman breaks off his laughter, grin frozenon his face as he takes in the intruder breaking up the sun-stained common roomwith a tasteful slice of shadow. “Stop what, Evanicence?” he asks,lightly flourishing a hand as he forces his eyes to crinkle, his shoulders, torelax.

Virgil rubs at his pinched forehead infrustration, brows furrowed, somehow paler than usual. “That, Princey!” he saysemphatically, waving a wayward hand in Roman’s general direction. “That! Theshow, the act, the– the pretense.” He runs a hand through unruly hair,pacing; air swirling and crackling around him like some ancient, wild flame.

His eyes are desperate, though – desperateand empathetic and deeply, deeply sad. “Stop pretending you’re okay! Iknow that you’re not!”

Roman’s mask cracks for the slightestsecond.

Then, he draws his walls up again. They’retighter now, more secure than before – an armored prison rather than anisolated cell. A million-watt grin is directed to his counterpart, and heshimmies his shoulders playfully. “I’m fine, Finding Emo!” he repliesgenially, twirling this way and that as he distances himself from the other.“Not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, but there are more important thingsto be doing than cheering up someone who doesn’t need it, ya know.”

From Virgil’s flat stare, Roman gathers hedoesn’t buy it. The prince stays cheerful, however, hoping upon hope that theuniverse will give him just this one break. Virgil turns around to face thedoor, and internally, Roman sags in relief.

“I’m not blind, Roman. Or deaf.”

Ah. Well. Looks like the universe hates him,then. Oh well. Just another name to add to that particular list.

Roman lets his expression fall flat. “Whatdo you want, then, Virgil?” he grits out, longing to step closer but nottrusting himself to do so. “What do you expect me to do, huh? I mean, I get it!I’m not important!”

The hoodied figure shrinks the slightestbit, but stays silent. Roman begins to pace, frenetic energy looping andcoiling around him like a cobra ready to strike.

“I know you guys don’t care about me! I knowthe fans don’t care about me, and– and that the only reason I’m still hereis because Thomas needs me to keep creating.”

He’s striding turbulently. There’s a stormin his mind, and it’s pulling itself out of him with each slap of his feet onthe carpeted floor. The energy in the air is lightning crackling around him;each word out of his mouth, thunder roaring through the room.

“I get that I’m loud, and that I’mobnoxious, and that most people barely put up with me. I get thatnothing I create is good enough – could ever be good enough! Andbelieve me when I say that I understand how pathetic it is that theonly person who wants to compliment me is flippin’ Deceit!”

His voice is catching, some distant,detached part of his mind notes. And his hair is a wreck.

Roman ignores it.

“But even he doesn’t want to, really,does he? He’s just using me, and I’m pathetic enough that I’m strungalong anyways! And look, now I’m a liability, too! Now I’m failing at the onlything I thought I could do, which was protect you guys! But no, Ican’t even get that right!”

He rounds tempestuously on where hiscounterpart had been standing but a moment ago, but his sudden, maniacal grinfalls on empty air.

“So give it up, Virgil!” he announcesgrandly, spreading his arms wide as the harsh, stinging energy in the roombites at his face and his eyes, claws bitterly at any inch of exposed skin itcan get its hands on. “I’m just a fai-”

His voice breaks, and Roman grinds to aprecipitous halt.

The room is suddenly both too big and toosmall, a swarming, echoing mass around him. Silence. The colour drains from hisskin. His eyes widen, then scrunch up against the telltale burning at theircorners. His fists clench, a nervous swirl gusting around them like afrightened cat.

“A failu-” he tries again, but to no avail.He laughs dryly, swiping at his eyes with a hand. Then, abruptly, crumples tothe ground in defeat.

“Look at me,” he says, chuckling wetly. “Ican’t even say it right, that’s how pathetic I am.”

Roman doesn’t know where Virgil is, anymore.He probably left. It doesn’t matter, anyways. It’s not like Roman’s aware ofmuch anymore beyond the sweeping of his bangs low over his eyes, or the turmoilin his head.

(And it’s not like Virgil ever cared in thefirst place.)

“I wonder if you had the right idea backthen, after all,” he murmurs, blank, unfocused stare hanging heavily down byhis hands. “Thomas could theoretically go on without a Creativity, after all.”

His head drops to his knees, and hescrunches his face against the onslaught of tears.

“Maybe I should just go–”

“No.”

Roman’s head snaps up.

And it’s Virgil.

Stormy, temperamental, passionate Virgil,light from the overhead lamp burning a halo of fire around his head like anavenging angel. Virgil, the look in his eyes as vehement as his denial ofRoman’s self-deprecation. Virgil, hands on his hips, commanding, and strong,and solid, and reliable, and real.

Virgil, beautiful Virgil.

The darker man crouches down to Roman’slevel, and he instinctively flinches back from his outstretched arm. Virgilnods easily and pulls back a half step, letting the offer of comfort standwhile making sure not to encroach on his counterpart’s boundaries.

“Listen, man,” he says, words as caustic asusual but voice soft, kind. Like he was trying to calm a wounded animal. “I’mnot the best at this. I know I’m not. But those thoughts that you’re havingright now? About being too much, and not being able to protect Thomas, and notbeing good enough?” He locks eyes with Roman, voice turning serious but facestill so, so kind. “They’re wrong.”

Roman’s breath hitches and he raises an armto protest, but Virgil cuts him off gently. “I know, man, I know. It sucks. Believeme, I know. Those thoughts used to be what went through my head every timeI looked in a mirror.”

Roman’s eyebrows furrow as Virgil gives adry, self-deprecating chuckle. “Hell,” he says, pushing his bangs out of hiseyes to better see the other, even as his counterpart shrinks back at thatpiercing, all-consuming gaze, “a lot of the time, I still get them.”

Roman swallows. Once. Twice. Again. Shrinksin on himself. Blinks a tear away. “How do you do it?” he finally asks, voicesmall and hoarse.

The question is vague, but Virgilunderstands nonetheless.

“I…” he says, glancing awayself-consciously, “I don’t, sometimes. Sometimes it does get too much.” He tugsat the stings of his hoodie nervously, tying them into abstract knots andshapes, rubbing the rough, textured fabric over fingers like he has a milliontimes before, and will a million again. “But when it gets to be too much for meto handle on my own – or even before that point, whenever I can muster up the-the courage or whatever, I… I go to the others. I go to Pat. I go to L.”He presses his lips together into a thin, nervous line, then releases them.

“I go to you.”

Roman looks up, pointing at himself indisbelief. ‘Me?’ he mouths near-silently, unable to process it. Virgilsmiles, small but present and oh gods, so proud. ‘You,’ hepromises back.

Proud. Of Roman.

“We don’t say it a lot,” Virgil says,licking his lips anxiously, running a hand through that wild, wild hair, “butgod, Princey. You’re– you’re…”

The corners of his lips twitch up into thatsmall, confident half-smile that Roman could swear is reserved for him and himalone, and the world is spinning around them and he’s getting light-headed andeverything’s twisting and turning and whirling but it’s safe, god, it’s all so safe,because Virgil’s here, Virgil here and Virgil’s smiling, and Romanswears he can hear his heart pounding in his ears, but this time, the weight onhis chest isn’t crushing him – rather, it’s taking him in its arms andcomforting him, and Roman can feel the entire world crashing around him atonce, but this time, there’s a burning flame on his side, and it’s vowed to bethere for him.

And slowly, slowly, Roman returns theother’s gaze. And in it, he sees all the stars in the sky reflected back athim, because Virgil’s looking at him like he could give him the moon.

“You’re incredible,” Virgil finallywhispers, soft brown eyes meeting the tear-stained face behind a very old mask.“You’re more incredible than I think I could ever put into words.”

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself.Unconsciously, Roman mirrors him, heart rate slowly but steadily calming downas a soft, sleeve-covered hand reaches out for him

“So I know that you feel like crap a lot.And that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel like crap. But– but when you do…”

(And this time, Roman lets it.)

“When you do, I hope you’ll let someone bethere for you.”

It’s not spoken, but the ‘I hope you’lllet me be there for you’ rings through the air just the same.

And Roman shatters.

He collapses into the other’s arms, tearsstreaking down his face, muttering jumbled ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘Thankyou’s. Virgil holds him, lets him ride out the rest of the storm with acomforting hand rubbing circles into the small of his back and a warm, lowvoice muttering anything it can think of into his hair.

And, slowly, haltingly, stutteringly butsurely, the rain in Roman’s mind subsides. The storm clears up. And sparklingsunlight breaks through the dark clouds.

There’ll be bad days again. Of course therewill.

But, here, on the off-white carpet, with awarm body next to his and a stunning mind and sharp tongue and the mostbeautiful flame he’s ever seen ready to defend him from any evils that dare attack,Roman thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be ready.

by the way! i’m getting an ao3 soon, so be on the lookout for that!

taglist under cut

@loganberrysanders @spectralheartt @artistgracie @coconut-cluster @falling-out-trees-101 @0beansprout0 @anony-phangirl @poppiesss

#sanders sides #roman sanders #virgil sanders #prinxiety #ts prinxiety #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fic #ts roman #sanders sides roman #ts virgil #sanders sides virgil #sanders sides prinxiety #prinxiety fanfic #prinxiety fanfiction #prinxiety fic #romantic prinxiety

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staircasttext · 3 years ago

Text

Episode 01 Transcript: The Soul Is Stored in the Balls

Episode 01

PAZ: Well, here we are. Here we are in Warriors land. Back again.

JULIAN: Welcome to Warrior Cats, the unnamed podcast.

PAZ: The unnamed podcast. That's true. We don't have a name.

LIZ: Maybe we should have thought about that, but.

PAZ: That-- that'll come later. That's something you have to ruminate on. But yes, this is our Warrior Cats reread podcast slash just read podcast.

And we are starting today with Into the Wild, which is the first book in all the series. There's like a bajillion books now, I don't even know half of them. But we read-- what was it? Up and through chapter four.

Yeah, so we're gonna talk about it. And we should do introductions. So I'm Paz. Who wants to go next?

JULIAN: Oh, I was waiting for more from your intro.

LIZ: Apparently.

PAZ: I didn't think this through.

JULIAN: Do you want to talk about your past experience with the Warriors books?

PAZ: Yeah, I wasn't sure if we wanted to, like, introduce ourselves and then-- but that might make more sense. Okay, so we all have differing levels of experience with this series.

I was a huge Warrior cats fan. As a kid, I role played it at recess, on the Neopets boards, on weird forums, whatever you name. But I actually have never read all of the first series because I started with the second series, the New Prophecy I think it's called. And then when I tried to go back and read the first series, I thought Firepaw was really boring. So then I didn't read all of it.

So I've read all of the New Prophecy and the Power of Three, I believe, and then multiple of like the special books, including the weird manga that exists. So that's my experience with it.

LIZ: I didn't know that. And I'm googling that right now.

PAZ: Oh, I can send pictures later. Don't worry about it.

JULIAN: The manga is incredible. It's a work of art.

PAZ: I physically own it.

JULIAN: I'm so glad.

LIZ: It's different than I thought it would.

JULIAN: No emo bangs.

LIZ: I've got questions about that. But we'll get to that.

JULIAN: Um, I'm Julian, I was also a huge Warrior Cats fan as a kid. But I mostly read the first series, and then A New Prophecy, and then I thought there was too much magic in A Power of Three and stopped reading them.

PAZ: Wow.

JULIAN: It just wasn't realistic. 11 year old me looked for strict realism in their cat reading material. Yeah, I did a lot of roleplay but strictly on one forum that was basically me and all of my friends from school, and then my friend's older sister and all of her friends from school. And it was a great little corner of the internet. We all lied about our ages, because none of us were 13. Shout out to Proboards.

LIZ: I'm Liz. I have never in my whole life until now even, even touched the surface of Warrior Cats. And it's amazing because it seems like it would be right in my wheelhouse. But when I was 13, or saying I was 13 and being less than 13, I was into-- I was a wolf girl.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: And a dragon girl. And most specifically an owl girl. I was into something adjacent to Warrior Cats, which is Guardians of Gahoole. Which is about owls. That's not what this podcast is about. But it's also you know got violence.

PAZ: And bird Nazis.

LIZ: It's anti bird Nazi, if that helps. I do not remember that much about it. I'm looking forward to delving into this other society of animals who are suffering.

PAZ: Okay Liz.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: I have to ask, what was your impression of Warrior Cats, without like pre-reading any of it? What do you think goes on in it?

LIZ: I thought it would be about cats in like-- pretty much what happens. Like, different cats, different groups. And they do not like each other.

I thought there would be more magic than I encountered in the four chapters.

PAZ: Oh, just you wait.

LIZ: Yeah, based on what you guys have said, I think that will pop off.

JULIAN: Yeah, it uh. I did read some of the stuff that happens in later series and it really does pop off.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm really curious about the latest series now because you're right that like, the Power of Three, it really started getting kind of wild. Which I loved the Power of Three because of that. I was the opposite of you.

I don't know why I stopped reading. I don't know. I got busy with important teenager things, I guess.

Who knows?

JULIAN: It feels like there is a very much a sweet spot of like early teens.

PAZ: Yeah, for sure.

JULIAN: Or like slightly preteen to read them. And then you hit-- you get a little old and then you become embarrassed of your catsona and all of your OC cats.

PAZ: Which is, never be embarrassed of your Warrior Cats OCs. We're taking--

JULIAN: Right. Don't be embarrassed of the things you love.

PAZ: Yeah, we're taking a strong pro Warrior Cats OC, Warrior Cats with emo bangs stance here.

LIZ: I'm strongly in support of it, too. What's more pure than this? Like, yes cats. Yes hairstyles. Yes customisations. Don't know why I said that one so weird. Okay, since we're getting to that, I have a vital question. They do mostly just look like the cats we see in the real world, right? Just...

JULIAN: Yeah, the emo bangs are an addition. Those are not canon.

PAZ: The emo bangs are not canon. The big anime eyes, not canon. I mean, all the-- on the cover of Into the Wild, which is the first book, is Firepaw. And that's just a cat.

LIZ: Just an orange cat.

JULIAN: Yeah, just a little guy.

PAZ: They do just look like cats.

JULIAN: There was so much drama about what your cat could look like and whether they were allowed to have like, purple eyes or like, Siamese coat types.

PAZ: I did not encounter that at all. It was kind of lawless on Neopets.com.

LIZ: I would believe that, but also I think the answer should be a unanimous yes because why not? These are your cat OCs.

JULIAN: Exactly.

LIZ: You can do whatever you want. You can give them purple eyes. And you can give them, I don't know, wings. Wings are very popular within OCs in 2006.

PAZ: Yeah, absolutely the cat OCs had wings.

JULIAN: I think we should bring them back. More wings on OCS in 2021.

PAZ: Exactly.

JULIAN: Yeah, there was one person on the forum I was on who was very strict about, like, cat breeding and the kinds of coats that could conceivably show up in, like, cat populations in the wild.

PAZ: That's extremely funny.

JULIAN: It was a lot.

PAZ: Well, I'm glad we can settle that. I know that was a burning question for you, Liz. That I told you not to ask.

LIZ: Until we got here.

PAZ: Yes. But now you know, they're just cats.

LIZ: They are just cats, which means figurative-- well, not figuratively but possibly, there could be some that just look very silly, but also very fierce.

PAZ: Yes.

LIZ: I'm looking at this picture of the cast of cats from the manga I think. One of them does look like he has the cat pattern of having pants, which is one of my favorites.

PAZ: Yeah, I'll have to take and share some pictures from the manga because the art style is hilarious. But that's a different conversation.

JULIAN: Paz, you wanna take it--

PAZ: Yeah, we should delve into this. Do we want to go chapter by chapter? Should I just do all summaries at once? What do we want?

JULIAN: Um, I don't remember what happens in which chapter versus another chapter.

PAZ: Okay, then.

JULIAN: I took notes, but like, everything happens so much.

PAZ: Okay, I guess I'll just say... I mean, I'll just say them all, I guess.

LIZ: Yeah, they're pretty short.

PAZ: Okay. So, as with all Warrior Cats books, there is a prologue. And that opens on a very dramatic battle between ThunderClan and RiverClan, and Tigerclaw, who is a ThunderClan cat, tells Oakheart to like, get the hell out of there. Oakheart's a RiverClan. That's Thunder cat territory, blah, blah, blah, and they get ambushed. And then Redtail, who's another ThunderClan cat says, we need to retreat, and they do. And then we cut to Bluestar, who is the ThunderClan leader, talking to Spottedleaf, who is the medicine cat about how they need more warriors, because now they're fighting a bunch. And then Spottedleaf talks with the cats in cat heaven, which that's a thing. And there's a prophecy that fire alone can save our clan. And that's the prologue.

And then in chapter one, we leave the world of Warrior Cats to open on Rusty, who is a kittypet, having a dream about hunting a mouse. And he wakes up before he can catch it and thinks about how much it sucks to be a house cat and how shitty his food is. And then he goes out into the garden to contemplate this. And his friend Smudge comes out to talk to him. And they talk about how dangerous the woods are. And Rusty decides to go in and explore.

And while he's there, he gets attacked by a strange cat. And they have a fight. And that cat stops and he's like, hi, I'm Graypaw. And he does some exposition about the clan. And before Rusty can leave, Bluestar and Lionheart show up. And Bluestar's like, hey, you're cool and you can fight. Good job.

And then in chapter two, Rusty's like, well, I want to kill some mice. And Bluestar's like, No, this is our woods. You have like a bunch of food back home. Go away. And Rusty's like, Oh, I'm sorry. And Bluestar's like, actually, do you want to join ThunderClan?

And she explains that ThunderClan needs more warriors, which is why they would take in a kittypet. And then there's some weird dialogue about how Rusty can still be a warrior because he still has his balls. And they give Rusty a day to think on this offer and he heads back to his house.

And then in chapter three, he has that mouse dream again, except this time the Clan cats are in it. And he's all, like, oh, will I/won't I. And out in the garden, he has another conversation with his friend Smudge, and tells him about it, and ultimately decides he's gonna go join ThunderClan. And Smudge is like, no, don't go. But Rusty's like, no, I must. And they have a nice morning saying goodbye. And after his little goodbye tour, Rusty goes up and meets with Lionheart and goes back to the ThunderClan camp. And Bluestar calls a camp meeting. And she's like, hey, this cat is joining us. And everyone's like, ew, this is a kittypet.

And Rusty gets in a fight with Longtail to defend his honor. And there's a dramatic scene where his collar gets ripped off. And Bluestar officially declares him a Thunderclan cat apprentice and gives him the name Firepaw.

And then this apprentice cat runs back to camp injured and says that Redtail is dead. And then chapter four, our last chapter, everyone's like super upset by this news that Redtail died in battle with Riverclan. The apprentice cat says Redtail was killed by Oakheart, who was then killed by Tigerclaw, and Tigerclaw comes back with Redtail's body. Then there's some exposition about StarClan, which is where dead cats go.

Everyone goes to mourn Redtail, who was the clan deputy. Graypaw takes Firepaw on a little tour. And then later that night Bluestar announces that she's appointing a new deputy. And Firepaw notices that Tigerclaw looks very eager to hear the news, but it's actually Lionheart who is appointed the new deputy instead. Firepaw and Graypaw head to the apprentice den to sleep, where a cat named Sandpaw tells him he smells bad, which is extremely rude.

LIZ: He's a stinky boy.

PAZ: And Firepaw goes to sleep, and it ends thinking, he's like, Oh, I'm finally a member of ThunderClan. So that was our reading for this session.

JULIAN: I gotta say I did not expect there to be such-- I didn't expect, like, cats getting their balls stolen to be such a big plot point. I have like three separate notes that are just like, Rusty got his balls stole?

PAZ: Who was that? It was like Henry or something.

JULIAN: Henry, yeah.

PAZ: Ever since Henry went to the vet, he's stupid and lazy. It's because his balls are gone.

LIZ: They came at it right from the beginning. I wasn't expecting it so soon. And also, I guess from like, technically, from a children's novel, right, like, balls front and center.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't-- you didn't really need to address that, I don't think.

JULIAN: It's like the crux of the reason that Rusty becomes a warrior, his castration anxiety.

PAZ: Yeah, he's like, Oh, I don't want to go to the vet and get like the snip or whatever they call it. And everyone's like-- everyone's acting like if you get your balls cut off, you get brainwashed or something. They're like, you change.

LIZ: Yeah, it's treated with the same weight as like, a lobotomy. And also, it is not called the snip. It's called, with capital letters, The Cutting. So is this a question of like, bodily autonomy or biological essentialism? That is the question.

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: The gender politics of this book are bizarre.

PAZ: Yeah, they really are quite bizarre. Very like, I don't know. Like they call all the female cats queens. All cats are queens. And all the male cats toms. But if you get your balls cut off, you aren't a tom anymore. Fuck you. So don't get your balls cut off.

JULIAN: Also Bluestar is a hashtag girl boss.

PAZ: Oh, fuck yeah. Is Bluestar a milf is, I think, a question that is on all our minds.

JULIAN: I would say yes.

LIZ: Is it on all our minds?

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: I mean, it is now.

LIZ: That's true.

PAZ: But yeah, anyway, the ball politics, very, very weird. I think--

LIZ: Excuse you, ballotics.

PAZ: The ballotics, yes. I also think like the weird politics around like, cat ownership are also very bizarre. It was like, house cats are miserable.

JULIAN: Right?

PAZ: And only wild cats are free.

JULIAN: It seems like the author is taking a very strong stance against trap neuter return programs for feral cats.

PAZ: Yeah, that kind of is what that all adds up to, huh?

LIZ: It's like, how much of this is just oh, I'm writing a fun fantasy thing about talking cats, and how much of it is like, cats should be free and in the wild. And also, we should never keep them indoors.

PAZ: But then there's also like, it's also a plot point that they're running out of prey, like they're having a food shortage.

LIZ: So I'm like, okay, what's your stance? That cats are a strain on the environment? Or that cats should not be kept as pets? Or is that just coincidental? Like, did the author not even think about it? Because that's also pretty common just fantasy, or just general story narrative. Oh, limited resources. Is that related to letting all these housecats be strays and not doing anything about it? I don't know.

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: Well, and it seems like all of the people in this neighborhood just let their cats outside, which I guess was more common in 2003, but.

PAZ: Did you say there was debate of like whether this took place in England or America? Because I know, I think in the UK, people let their cats out even more, so.

LIZ: Oh, I can't imagine these cats as British. That's too much.

PAZ: No?

LIZ: I don't want to. I can see like the animated movie of this where one of the cats just opens its mouth, and it just sounds like the most upper class rich person cat in the world. Pretty much exactly like the Guardians of Gahoole movie, actually.

JULIAN: I think these cats have like Cockney accents. These are like rough and scrappy cats. These are not like RP cats.

PAZ: Yeah, I have to agree with that. It's the kittypets that would be all proper. Maybe when you get your balls cut off, you get an upperclass accent.

LIZ: Oh no. That's the worst.

JULIAN: Oh no.

PAZ: I don't know, it's so weird.

LIZ: Powerful ballitical steps.

JULIAN: They also, the way they talk about like cat food is just the most unappetizing, like viscerally unpleasant. They're "stale little pellets." And it's like, well, damn.

PAZ: Yeah, that's what I mean.

JULIAN: My cat does not seem that unhappy to eat them.

LIZ: Doesn't Kip like-- that is, by the way, Paz's amazing celebrity cat. Doesn't Kip just like prefer that?

PAZ: Yeah. Kip likes dry cat food because he likes to crunch things. I mean, he also does hunt and kill mice. But I don't know. He's perfectly happy to eat dry cat food too.

LIZ: Yeah, that was like, that part was like, when I'm like, what are these politics about cat ownership? Cause you're really making being a house cat seem like a prison or something.

JULIAN: Do the Twolegs know that their cats are sentient?

PAZ: I don't know. I don't remember how humans are handled really in this series. Like if they--

JULIAN: I think it comes up slightly-- like a little bit later in one of the books, in like book five or something. But I don't think like. I don't remember if cats are shown as being able to understand human speech. Because they can definitely understand dog speech.

PAZ: Oh, my God, they can.

JULIAN: That will come up.

PAZ: Oh my god, I don't remember that.

LIZ: Wait, fuck. Do they meet dogs? What are the dogs like?

PAZ: Oh, I was just gonna say so they can understand dog speech. But can they not understand like, mouse speech? Are mice like, nonsentient? Are there like levels of sentience in this world?

JULIAN: Yeah, there's a lot of unsolved philosophical questions about sentience and autonomy in these books.

PAZ: And that's what we're here to answer.

JULIAN: Like, this isn't a Redwall situation where all of the animals are sentient.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: This is like a like-- because it doesn't seem like mice are. They just squeak.

LIZ: It's hierarchical. Like, is there a possible future in which the Warrior Cats will like establish themselves as a quote unquote "civilization" enough that they like establish agriculture and livestock? Are there going to be cats keeping like little cages and fields with mice domesticated? And will those mice eventually gain their own society?

JULIAN: Oh shit.

LIZ: Which the cats can't understand.

PAZ: So is domestication the route to sentience here? Is that what we're saying?

LIZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: When will the cats invent capitalism?

PAZ: Okay, that's another point like, I gotta say.

JULIAN: Because they already have a scarcity based economy. Why don't they just trade prey?

PAZ: But I also do like that, you know, they have like, universal health care. And then they, you know, all cats in the Clan are taken care of, and the old cats get food too. I'm like, damn, these cats have a better system going on than I got.

LIZ: I wish that was me.

JULIAN: My main question about the elders is, I love that they are taken care of and valued for their wisdom. Do they get like new names when they become elders? Because I hope that Halfear's name was not always Halfear.

PAZ: Yeah, some of the names are very, like, very specific. I don't think they do. I don't know. Maybe you can change your name.

LIZ: I mean, Rusty got to change his name pretty easily.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: That's true.

LIZ: I mean, I guess--

JULIAN: Oh sorry, it was Halftail.

PAZ: What if Halftail used to be like Longtail or whatever, and then?

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: Or maybe like, maybe that was a situation where it was a cat born with like a short tail. Who can say?

JULIAN: That's true.

LIZ: I love those. Those are great.

Yeah, I can see as like, this is just a cultural thing where like you get to a certain age, you can change it if you want, based on how you feeling. But also, I think, I guess like the real or meta answer is, this is a kid's book. And if you have a little grandma cat, you're gonna call that cat, like, Wrinkletail.

PAZ: Do you know the naming scheme setup in Warrior Cats, though, Liz?

LIZ: It like seems to be thing, cat-related word, sometimes.

PAZ: So it's like, the kittens are like, __kit. I think, correct me if I'm wrong.

JULIAN: Mm-hmm.

PAZ: And then the apprentices are like, __paw, like Firepaw. And then once they graduate into being warriors, they get like that second half of their name. I totally forget where that comes from and like who chooses it.

LIZ: Like a surname or?

PAZ: No, like, I think Graypaw becomes Graystripe, for example.

JULIAN: Yeah. And like, Sandpaw becomes Sandstorm.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: So it's like, it's really just a second half of the name that sounds cool. I think Bluestar gives them, because we see that happen in this--

PAZ: Do we?

JULIAN: In the end of chapter four, right? Doesn't someone become a warrior and then takes an apprentice?

PAZ: Oh, I thought somebody was already a warrior. And it's like, Here's your first apprentice.

JULIAN: I may be misremembering this.

PAZ: I mean, that's probably right though, cuz she gives him the name Firepaw, so. I don't know.

LIZ: So I guess it is like cultural then, at least as a coming of age thing, which is, you know, that works for plenty of human people in the real world. It also makes sense why all the teens are called __paw so I couldn't tell them apart.

PAZ: Yeah, and then the leader of the clan is always like __star. So like Bluestar.

JULIAN: The naming conventions did make it very, very confusing. I was briefly a tag wrangler, for the AO3 Warrior Cats fandom.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Which is 50% actual Warrior Cats fanfic and 50% people uploading RP logs. So not only did I have to make sure that I was tracing canon characters, like through their life cycle, and there are a lot of canon characters who end up sharing the same prefix, which makes that hard. Thank you to the Warrior Cats wiki, which is exhaustive. But then I also had to make sure that it wasn't like an RP OC that just happened to share the same name as a canon character.

PAZ: Yeah, that sounds like a nightmare.

JULIAN: It was kind of fun, but also hellish.

PAZ: Yeah. I mean, like I'm not even like-- because in these like four chapters we got, we already have the main characters with like two different names. They'll just keep coming.

JULIAN: That's why the front of the book has that like cast of characters.

PAZ: They do, yeah.

JULIAN: Which is very helpful. Thank you. All books should have that.

LIZ: Yeah, the fucking dramatis personae for Warrior Cats.

PAZ: They also have like great maps. I loved the maps on the front of the book as a kid.

JULIAN: Oh, the maps were really nice.

LIZ: Um, yeah, I have the ebook on like Libby, and I think the chapter beginnings have like, little illustrations, just like black and white ones.

PAZ: Yeah, they do.

LIZ: They're nice.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're really nice. I don't think there were ever any, like full page illustrations, but.

PAZ: No, not that I remember.

LIZ: There should be like, a deluxe anniversary, whatever edition, and it should just have full page, like, meticulously inked illustrations for like, big battles and dramatic moments. Just woodblocks.

JULIAN: There were Special Edition books, like the big-- that were sort of standalone stories. And those were always-- I don't think they had like big illustrations, but they were always bound really nicely. They were like gold.

PAZ: Yeah. That's where fucking SkyClan, whoever the fuck they are introduced. I think in that, I don't know, like Firestar's Journey one, which I do have. It has the cool gold cover that's reflective.

JULIAN: I always wanted my parents to buy them for me, but they would only buy me the main ones because the special editions were very expensive and we could get them from the library.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: Now did you guys ever get them at like book fairs or those little Scholastic Book order things? Cause that's how I got my owl books, basically.

PAZ: Yeah, probably. That's where I got a lot of my books like in general.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think they were mostly Barnes and Noble. Because I would always get-- various people would give me Barnes and Noble gift cards as a child.

LIZ: Oh, yeah, same.

JULIAN: So we would go to the Barnes and Noble and I would pick out either my Warrior Cats or my manga.

LIZ: Those things should be next to each other. The crossover is--

JULIAN: Oh, they were.

PAZ: I mean, there's a Warrior Cats manga. It's just the best of both worlds.

LIZ: That's how you make the gradient. Manga, Warrior Cats manga in the middle, and then Warrior Cats just straight up on the next side.

JULIAN: They knew what they were about.

LIZ: Also I guess, like, what forms are you guys reading them in now? Since that's what we're talking about.

PAZ: Um, you mean like what we're reading the first book on?

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: I am reading my paper copy that I have from when I was a child that apparently only cost $3 when I bought it.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Oh my god.

PAZ: And it's extremely old and crinkly.

LIZ: Books haven't been $3, like paper books, in so long.

PAZ: I know. This book is a relic.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: Yeah, I'm just reading on the ebook. which I got from the library. But I might try the audiobook. I'm very curious to see how the audiobook narrator handles the fight scenes.

LIZ: That sounds actually wonderful.

JULIAN: Also I want to know if they do voices.

PAZ: Please. Can we talk about the dialogue tags of like, purred and meowed? Because it kills me every time.

JULIAN: It has such said as dead disease.

PAZ: I know it really does. But also like, purred, like, I don't-- it always like, it's like a seductive word.

JULIAN: I know.

PAZ: I'm like, please stop using that. This is a weird connotation.

JULIAN: I guess the thing is that like, cats can't technically talk.

LIZ: They can say, though.

JULIAN: So you can't use...

PAZ: Well, they're talking in this book, so. Just vague to say so.

JULIAN: It's a lot of like, so-and-so meowed. This person like, echoed, whispered.

PAZ: Purred.

LIZ: Yelled. Lots of yelled.

JULIAN: Yeah. These books are violent also. I did not remember.

PAZ: Oh yeah, they are.

LIZ: Oh yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, someone is brutally killed in like the first four chapters by this very, I mean, we got this like political intrigue kind of going on.

JULIAN: Yeah, there's a lot of border anxiety.

LIZ: This, this has, like, this is a-- this is not a-- mm, conspiracy? I don't know. But like, this is a murder mystery. Right? This follows the structure of so many. Like the newcomer with fresh eyes comes into this reclusive group and discovers the secret murder within its mists. And it's got political motivations. And it's very interesting.

JULIAN: Hold on to that.

PAZ: I mean, I think one character is very clearly evil-coded. Immediately. But it is a child's novel, so.

LIZ: It's a child's novel, but also there's just like grisly murder in this.

PAZ: Oh, yeah.

LIZ: There's lots of bleeding. So what, I'm interested to see what are the lines of like, what's allowed and what's not based on what the author is thinking?

PAZ: Yeah, I feel like eventually, like characters also die in childbirth. I might be misremembering, but like.

JULIAN: No, there's definitely stuff in childbirth.

PAZ: Bad shit happens to-- yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's like, I feel like it's kind of glossed over. Like we don't see anybody's like entrails but like, pretty much up to that point, everything is out there.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: I think at one point like, a cat gets injured and like the bone is described. Like it's, they go for it. Which is why 50% of the fics on AO3 had the graphic depiction of violence tag. Which is the highest ratio I have ever seen.

LIZ: And to be fair, I think that's a common thing within this genre of like, extremely violent animal conflict society books for kids. Cause the fucking owl books were like, we've got stabbing, swords.

PAZ: Those were brutal.

LIZ: We've got claws on our claws, extra claws.

JULIAN: I forgot the owls had like swords.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: They didn't. I think they did. They also had like special gauntlets full of live coals for their feats to use as weapons.

PAZ: And I know one-- there was attempted, like siblings. Siblicide in the owl books. You know?

LIZ: From the first chapter, yeah.

PAZ: Kids eat this up.

LIZ: I remember those clearly. Yeah, I think this is the same with like-- probably whatever talking wolf book is out there, it's going to be just the same.

PAZ: Is there a wolf book?

LIZ: There have to be multiple ones. I know that the owl books have like a wolf book subseries.

PAZ: Of course.

LIZ: I've been told that there's like one series about bats that is also extremely like this.

PAZ: Oh, I read that one. I loved that one. That one was also real fucked up.

LIZ: Yeah, this is the bread and butter for kids.

JULIAN: Kids love violence is the thing. It's like, my brother is 10 and like, just finished reading all the Warrior Cats books.

LIZ: Wow, magical times.

JULIAN: I know. So all of my old Warrior Cats books are at home and in use. But like, kids are violent.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: Yep.

JULIAN: They eat that up.

PAZ: They do. Yeah, I'm like, Warrior Cats is so much fighting. That's like, if it's not like clan politics, or like interpersonal drama, then it's like the fight scenes. Those are the three things Warrior Cats does.

JULIAN: And like, in their defense, the fight scenes are like, they're interesting to read. You know? I feel like they're fairly well choreographed and stuff. I cannot believe that I came out of reading Warrior Cats-- growing up on Warrior Cats being completely unable to write any fights, but. There it is.

PAZ: Well, you probably weren't writing--

JULIAN: Maybe I just need to write more cats.

PAZ: Yeah. Yeah, they are cats. So that does change the fight dynamic a little bit.

LIZ: You've got to work up from cats. It's like do cats, and then do cat boys. And then you know, whatever comes after that. I have no idea.

PAZ: Uh huh.

JULIAN: I mean, I think what comes after cat boys is just boys.

LIZ: Hmm. Interesting. Never thought of that one.

PAZ: But yeah, I mean, so obviously Tigerclaw is evil.

LIZ: Yeah, there's like at the end, when the other cat gets like the position that he wants. Like, it's described as like, he nudged him so hard that he almost bowled him over. And that's the clear evilness of again, completely regular looking cats.

PAZ: I feel like he gets fucked up looking later, but I can't remember.

JULIAN: I think he might be a little fucked up looking already. He has like some scars.

LIZ: All cats are beautiful.

JULIAN: But all of the cats. All of the cats are a little fucked up looking because they've been in the wild.

PAZ: Also, I like legit can't remember, because like I said, I only read the first two books of this series. But do you think he probably murdered that other cat? That's what I'm assuming at this point, anyway, so.

LIZ: Yeah. 100%.

PAZ: Great. Great start

LIZ: Yeah, cuz the apprentice that got injured and like came back-- I don't remember the name because again, they're all teens with the same thing to me. But like, he asked like, oh, is Tigerclaw gone, or? And then like gets all quiet when he's around. Which is probably very subtle for the children. And yeah, I thought that was like good framing given like the medium and stuff.

PAZ: No, no, I think it's a good start to like, this book. But like I said, I thought Firepaw was really boring as a child. And I gotta say, he's still not impressing me.

LIZ: Yeah, he's very much just like protagonist boy.

JULIAN: Yeah, he has JRPG like protagonist syndrome.

PAZ: Like I know in the New Prophecy, I loved all those characters so much.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: And then going from that to Firepaw, I'm like, wow, you're like white bread.

JULIAN: At least he's better than Graypaw, who's literal-- who's just exposition boy.

JULIAN: exposition boy.

PAZ: Oh my god. I know. I think I must have said he did exposition at least three times in my summary. But like that is literally all he did.

LIZ: Yeah, he's really--

JULIAN: That's all he does.

LIZ: He's your best friend. And when you click on him, he just tells you the lore.

PAZ: Yeah, he has those like dialogue trees you can just go through for like 20 minutes and just learn all about your new RPG world.

LIZ: Which is in the forest with a bunch of cats.

JULIAN: There you go.

I forgot how tsundere Sandpaw was.

PAZ: I don't remember. I don't remember who Firepaw ends up with? I'm assuming maybe-- I don't-- Sandpaw? I don't know. I don't remember.

LIZ: It feels like it's setting it up really early in the like, typical way.

PAZ: Well, it's good that he still has his balls.

LIZ: He sure does. Hey, when we were talking about like, all the violence before, and you know what, what's so graphic that can be included in a children's novel? Again, the balls just immediately.

JULIAN: They also talk about like, pooping very early.

PAZ: Oh, yeah. Their dirt.

JULIAN: He's described as like making dirt. Which is just like, all right. Thanks, Erin Hunter.

PAZ: Yeah, the what it decides to be realistic on is very funny.

JULIAN: Like, what do cats do? They eat, they fight, they shit, they sleep. They have intense interpersonal and like interclan drama.

PAZ: They have religion.

JULIAN: What else is there?

LIZ: Do they have literature? Or philosophy?

JULIAN: No. Uh...

LIZ: Because...

JULIAN: I mean I feel like their philosophy is-- or like religion and philosophy are sort of, you know.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: I can see the-- I mean, they do have like a strong oral tradition. So I...

PAZ: Absolutely. Yeah.

JULIAN: I think there was some discussion at some point of like, sagas or something, maybe. I might be making that up.

PAZ: No, that sounds right. I don't know.

LIZ: Sounds like it would fit in perfectly.

JULIAN: Right. They can't sing.

LIZ: Especially since they have-- yeah, they have like the lore thing about the afterlife or whatever. So that has to be--

PAZ: StarClan.

LIZ: Yeah, there has to be passed down somehow.

JULIAN: Yep.

PAZ: Yeah, the medicine cats are like the-- they're like doctors slash religious people. I don't know, like your oracles.

LIZ: The medicine stuff is very interesting, because I'm wondering how much of it is just going to be like, just nature-y items that sound cool, like spider webs, versus how much of this is like even the slightest bit medical sounding. Like are they going to use, I don't know, something for poison ivy, or like herbs. Because they're cats

JULIAN: They use a lot of herbs.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Okay, that's cool.

JULIAN: At one point I did like a full before the little-- they issued like a little guide to the clans book that had a list of all of the herbs they used, which was released several months after I finished my exhaustive list of all of the herbs used in all of the books, which I was going to post on the forums.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: Tragedy. But most of the herbs, I think, if I remember correctly, like they mostly-- the uses like checked out for humans. Like even spider webs are like dirty, but apparently do have like some coagulant properties. Like I wouldn't use them, but.

LIZ: As a cat you would use them. Yeah, that's really interesting.

PAZ: I loved the medicine cats and I loved all the medicine cat characters like as a child. I don't know.

JULIAN: They're very good characters.

PAZ: I just consistently liked those characters.

LIZ: Well, yeah, you can have like the grumpy doctor character who has the bad bedside manner. And you can have the one who's like, you know, a religious figure because the religion's already tied into this, apparently.

PAZ: That's like Jayfeather.

LIZ: Yeah? So like--

PAZ: Yeah, you get like literal like blind oracles.

LIZ: Hold on, Jay-feather, like J dash feather, like his SoundCloud name?

PAZ: Yeah, that's what happens in that series.

LIZ: So do these cats also have like, catnip?

JULIAN: Ooh.

PAZ: I don't know. I don't know if they get cat weed.

LIZ: They should have cat weed.

JULIAN: I'm trying to remember.

PAZ: I feel like they might.

JULIAN: Hold up, we can find out.

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Let me go to the wiki.

PAZ: Yes, please, please, please.

LIZ: Because if we're talking about cat herbs, we have to talk about the cat herb.

JULIAN: The Warriors wiki is exhaustively researched. It has 4250 pages.

PAZ: Holy shit.

LIZ: I truly wish we had that for like, Friends at the Table. Friends at the Table wiki is good, but a lot of it is-- the show is long. Would love to have some pages filled out some more.

JULIAN: All right, pulling up the list. There is a full list of all the medicine used. Catnip.

PAZ: Yes.

LIZ: Fuck yes.

JULIAN: Mostly found in Twoleg gardens. Can specifically be found at the Twoleg place near ThunderClan's forest territory.

PAZ: Why does ThunderClan get all the dank herb?

JULIAN: It's the best remedy for the-- [laughter] it's the best remedy for the deadly greencough, which cats can catch in the season of Leafbare. Can also be used for whitecough. Can be considered dangerous in extremely high dosages, so don't go nuts.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, they do not describe anything about them getting high off of it.

PAZ: Cowards.

LIZ: You can talk about balls but you can't talk about weed.

JULIAN: You have to give the weed to the kits though if they get sick.

PAZ: Listen, if I was the other clans, I'd be going into ThunderClan territory to get all that catnip, frankly.

LIZ: They should, if they can't, if they're not going to do agriculture, which is fine, they could be trading. Like oh, here's some locally sourced, seasonal, gathered cat weed. And we will trade it to you for some fish.

JULIAN: Right?

PAZ: I feel like maybe they do trade and at some point. I mean, like they haven't--

JULIAN: Maybe.

PAZ: Like this hasn't come up yet, but they do have like big cat conferences together. And they're like, what's the news?

LIZ: Cat con.

PAZ: Yeah, cat con.

JULIAN: Okay, one thing that I did discover on the wiki that I do love is that all of the footnotes for all of these things say "revealed in" and then the name of the book and the page.

PAZ: These books are actually prophetic texts gifted to us by Erin Hunter, who knows the truth.

JULIAN: Thanks Erin Hunter, all eight of her.

LIZ: I don't know. How close of an eye are you keeping on your cats? How do you know they're not gonna be warriors?

PAZ: Cause they got their balls cut off. They can't be.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's true. Chickpea can never be a warrior.

LIZ: Okay, since we're talking about this is that-- at no point, do they never meet like a neutered cat who's just like cool and fine?

PAZ: They definitely meet other like quote unquote "kittypets." But I think a lot of them were like cool barn cats so they probably do still have their balls. I don't know.

LIZ: I don't know. I've met your cats. They seem like pretty rowdy when they want to be.

PAZ: Kip catches and kills mice quite frequently.

LIZ: You don't need your balls to kill mice.

PAZ: The discrimination in this society based purely on balls is very-- that's a lot.

LIZ: There is a deez nuts joke somewhere in here. But I don't know what it is.

JULIAN: Yeah, unfortunately there is no wiki page for the Cutter. So I don't know if it becomes as important a plot point later.

LIZ: Wait, is the mortal enemy of all cats just one vet, like in the neighborhood?

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Cause these are fairly local clans. Is the enemy just like one vet? His name is just like--

PAZ: The picture.

JULIAN: Wait.

PAZ: So Julian linked this page. And the thumbnail is just a woman giving a thumbs up like.

JULIAN: Hold up, let me show you the page for-- let me show you the page for dog.

PAZ: Oh, please.

[cackling]

JULIAN: It's someone's like little like greyhound or whippet sitting in a dog bed next to the first Warriors book. Like this is clearly one of the wiki editors' actual real dog.

PAZ: Okay wait.

LIZ: This wiki is art.

PAZ: Henry the cat who got his balls cut off does have a page.

JULIAN: I looked to see if there was anything specifically about the Cutter, but it's just like Henry got his balls caught off and then he sucked.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Wouldn't it be amazing if like Henry came back at the end of this series, and he was like, really cool and, and could, I don't know, get them cat weed or something?

PAZ: I'm sure someone wrote that. I don't know.

JULIAN: Stoner Henry.

PAZ: He's living apparently.

LIZ: Good for him.

PAZ: See? Good for him.

LIZ: He's having a wonderful life. He doesn't have to worry about like ticks or coyotes.

PAZ: Oh, oh--

JULIAN: He'll never get heartworms.

PAZ: Okay, I went to the kittypet page. Here's another mention of the Cutter. "I know all about being a kittypet and it's not as easy as you think. You only eat when the Twolegs give you food. You only go in and out when the Twoleg says you can. Is that what you really want? And then there's the Cutter." Macgyver. Macgyver says this.

LIZ: It's just the one vet who runs like the clinic. It's just like, Dr. Somebody.

PAZ: I need to stop clicking on this wiki.

JULIAN: It will really drag you down into a hole. I unfortunately have looked it up. There are only two works about Henry the kittypet.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: On the entirety of AO3.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: Tragic.

PAZ: Hold on, there's like a new kittypet slur just dropped. They're known as everkits.

LIZ: This is so weird.

JULIAN: Jesus.

LIZ: Why would you need to expand on this?

JULIAN: Yeah, and in both of these fics, Henry doesn't get any character development.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No. We're putting out a call, please.

JULIAN: Justice for Henry.

LIZ: Justice for Henry, who was apparently just like a big nice cat. If we met I'd be a friend.

JULIAN: Just a sweet guy. Just a pal.

LIZ: He's a little sleepy. So what? He's old. Do old cats that--

PAZ: Oh my god. Holy shit.

LIZ: --don't have their balls cut off not get sleepy? Yeah?

PAZ: Kittypets go nowhere when they die.

JULIAN: What the fuck?

PAZ: Although they may still appear as spirits and potentially be visited.

LIZ: What the fuck? So the biological essentialism extends into the afterlife.

PAZ: The soul is stored in the balls.

LIZ: That's an episode title, thank you.

JULIAN: Yeah, there we go. You're telling me that if you get your balls stole, you can't go to heaven?

LIZ: Oh my god, Henry's gonna go to cat hell.

JULIAN: Oh, no, he won't go to hell because that also exists.

PAZ: Oh my, I don't remember that.

LIZ: So cat purgatory?

PAZ: No, they just go nowhere.

LIZ: Cat limbo?

JULIAN: Paz, it's the Place of No Stars.

PAZ: Oh, okay. I remember that name.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: That's so sad.

PAZ: Oh my-- this is just like the bad like racism allegory in Harry Potter.

LIZ: Wait, wait. Also, since like getting your balls cut off-- I couldn't remember the actual name that we, you know, humans call it.

JULIAN: Neutering.

LIZ: Right, neutering. Neutering for cats is not like a choice that a cat consciously makes. So within the logic of the story, even though they are, to the other cats, victims, they can't go to cat heaven.

PAZ: I mean, I guess that's-- I don't know. I could be wrong about this in Christianity, but like don't you have to get bap-- don't you have to actively get baptized and not go to hell? It's like that. It's like it's your fault if you got your balls cut off.

JULIAN: Yeah, I mean, if you--

PAZ: Should have been more proactive.

JULIAN: If you don't get baptized, you do go to limbo.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: But you can I think maybe work your way up to heaven? I should be clearer on this.

PAZ: Well.

LIZ: I'm the farthest removed person from this. I don't know.

PAZ: Well, no such grace for cats who got their balls cut off.

LIZ: Henry.

JULIAN: It also kind of makes sense because like Starclan is not-- Starclan is like very culturally specific. It's like these cats' ancestors. So like the kittypets probably wouldn't want to hang out with them. They would probably be racist towards.

LIZ: Is there like bloodline purity bullshitt in this?

PAZ: Yeah, I just copy pasted something. Many Clanborn cats do not trust cats with kittypet blood. There's also like a lot of drama about like interclan relationships.

JULIAN: Oh God, the interclan relationships are so much. Yeah.

LIZ: Wait, before we get into that, I want to draw our attention to one of these names that you've copy pasted, which is Berrynose, which is a perfect name.

PAZ: I love that.

LIZ: That's very cute.

JULIAN: It's a very cute name.

LIZ: Yeah. Henry is a great name for cat. I love cats that they're just like...

PAZ: That's just a guy.

LIZ: Yeah, that's just a guy.

JULIAN: It's like Oliver. Just a human name.

PAZ: That's just a man. I love Henry and I defend Henry to my dying breath.

JULIAN: I want to give Henry some pets.

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: I don't want to pet any of these feral cats. They'll take my hand off.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No, no. What were we talking about-- oh, the interclan drama.

JULIAN: The interclan politics. Yeah, there's a lot of like, just you know, they have to enforce the borders because if another Clan comes and steals their prey, that'll be bad.

PAZ: Cat nationalism.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: No, I guess like real cats have like territory, but it's probably not--

PAZ: That's true.

LIZ: --quite so like bordered

PAZ: I'm not a like cat behavior expert. I don't know.

JULIAN: I am also not a cat behavior expert, but I don't think they're--

PAZ: They're not patrolling.

JULIAN: --having pitched battles every two months.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No, no.

LIZ: Is there like clan intermarriage? What if two cats fall in love?

PAZ: It's always like a Romeo and Juliet situation.

LIZ: Exactly.

JULIAN: Mm-hmm. It's a scandal.

LIZ: Okay, also is there cat Hamlet in this? I feel like that would work very well.

PAZ: I feel like there is.

LIZ: I mean, the murder mystery--

JULIAN: There are ghosts.

PAZ: Yeah, there are ghosts.

LIZ: Who are of course the kitty cat-- kittypets because they got their balls. And they can't ascend to heaven or hell.

PAZ: No, I think all cats can be ghosts. I don't know.

JULIAN: There's also-- because like the medicine cats like sometimes see visions like, from specific cats who have died.

PAZ: They're like in StarClan, but they come back as ghosts.

JULIAN: They can come back and talk to you.

PAZ: A lot.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: A lot to take in, I know.

JULIAN: There's a lot to unpack here.

LIZ: Like, I can see how this is supposed to be its own, like, cat universe with its own like laws, culture, and so on. But also, it's very much like, this is probably a Christian person wrote it, right? I don't know anything about the author.

PAZ: Oh, we haven't mentioned this.

JULIAN: Oh, we gotta get into Erin Hunter.

PAZ: Erin Hunter is in fact, three people. I don't know if there's more people now.

LIZ: Oh my god. You told me this before but

JULIAN: I think Erin Hunter might rotate.

LIZ: Fucks me up every time.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm not sure like how they write it. Like if it's all collaborative, or if like one author does one book but.

JULIAN: Seven people.

LIZ: Oh my God.

PAZ: Oh, my God, I swear was only three people when I--

LIZ: This is just like Nancy Drew.

JULIAN: It started out as three people.

PAZ: That's insane.

LIZ: This could be--

JULIAN: Katie Carrie and Cherith Baldry took turns writing it. And Vicki Holmes used to coordinate, but I assume some of these other people have switched in. Oh, a lot of them are British. They are in fact all British, I think.

PAZ: So these cats do have Cockney accents.

JULIAN: Perfect.

PAZ: Good to know. The first Erin. I'm on the Who is Erin-- the Other Erins.

LIZ: It's like a collective pen name, right?

JULIAN: Yeah. Cause--

PAZ: Oh my god. The first Erin says, "I'm more of a dog person."

JULIAN: Excuse me?

LIZ: What the fuck.

PAZ: This is scandalous. Holy shit.

LIZ: This shakes the ground of the cat religion, I think.

PAZ: The second Erin has a very nice picture with her cat. So that's acceptable.

LIZ: That's a wonderful cat.

JULIAN: Yeah, the wiki has the list of all of the current and former Erins.

PAZ: This is so funny,

JULIAN: Seven people.

LIZ: Now that we're actually talking about these seven authors, and also because we talked about, I guess, the politics in Warrior Cats about the domestication of cats before.

PAZ: Uh huh.

LIZ: It's probably just a lot of, because this is a fantasy story about cats, we gotta spice it up and give them their own points of view, as cats probably, on being domesticated for a kids series maybe? Or also, it doesn't matter and we don't have to talk about it. I don't know. I'm just reeling from--

PAZ: I mean, I think I think it's very interesting to consider. I also think it's interesting that they're British, like I was saying, because I do think that in the UK it's like more common to have cats roam around outside like, even to this day.

JULIAN: I think so too.

PAZ: I could be wrong. Sorry, any British listeners?

LIZ: Are there coyotes in England or whatever?

PAZ: No, I think that's part of it is like there's less like predators who would like eat the cat. There's no coyotes.

LIZ: There's fucking coyotes here in good old California.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think it's just you-- the only things you really have to worry about are like cars and the occasional hawk.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Do they fight a badger at some point or am I mixing up my Redwall?

PAZ: I definitely remember a badger, I swear.

LIZ: Badgers show up so much in these kinds of like books. There's definitely badgers in the owl books. I feel like there's probably badgers in Redwall, which was not my bag but, you know.

JULIAN: I definitely expected there to be more badgers like out in the world based on how much they figured into like this kind of book.

LIZ: Yeah. They're always like oh, it's the tough old badger who's like a blacksmith or makes armor or something.

PAZ: Badgers aren't sentient in this universe, though, so. Just so you know.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: Or maybe they are. I don't know.

LIZ: What is the sentience based on, or is it just like we can't speak their language?

PAZ: Who knows?

JULIAN: I mean also like they can understand dogs or like talk to dogs, but it's like very rudimentary. Like the dog speech that they hear is like, "pack, pack. Kill, kill." It is not like...

PAZ: Beautiful.

LIZ: Do you think the cats to the dogs sound just like, "meow. Fish. Sleepy. Sit on keyboard."

PAZ: Not these cats. These cats want blood.

LIZ: "Kill, maim."

PAZ: "Violence." Okay, well, is there-- do we have anything else to say about the reading so far?

JULIAN: I think we've mostly covered the points that I wanted to make sure we hit.

PAZ: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, what we already established Bluestar is girlboss so don't need to go into any of that anymore.

JULIAN: Yep.

PAZ: I am excited to keep reading because I really don't remember anything is what I will say.

JULIAN: Me too. Yeah.

LIZ: Me three.

JULIAN: I'm excited to continue to read these books and see how much weirder they get.

PAZ: Absolutely, because they do get weird.

LIZ: It's already pretty weird. So I'm excited for that.

PAZ: Liz, do we want to get you assigned a Clan?

JULIAN: Oh, Liz's quiz. Yes.

PAZ: I think we should use this random fanmade one.

LIZ: We don't want to take the official one?

PAZ: No, cause it has that-- it has SkyClan. Who the fuck are they? We don't care about SkyClan.

LIZ: Well, how do you know I'm gonna get SkyClan?

JULIAN: That's true. Liz might not get SkyClan.

LIZ: That's an assumption on your part.

PAZ: If you want to. I think this quiz is funnier

JULIAN: The fan quiz is really incredible.

LIZ: Do you want me to read any, or should I just take it in silence?

PAZ: I'll read and you pick your answers, how does that sound?

LIZ: Alright, you're gonna do the clicking then.

PAZ: Okay. Question one. "You're hunting. What do you catch? Nothing. Hunting? Fish. Mice, voles, etc. Rabbits, maybe a mouse or two. Frogs, mice, really anything I stumble across."

LIZ: I think fish because that sounds tasty to me.

PAZ: "Your friend is in love with a cat from another clan. You tell him if he doesn't stop seeing that cat you will tell the leader. Like I care. I wouldn't do anything, love is love. Tell the leader." That's just the same as the first one.

LIZ: Why are so many of these about being fucking snitches?

PAZ: It is a militarized state.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: Anyway, "talk to the cat your friend loves and convince them to stop seeing your friend. Keep the secret for your friend."

LIZ: Obviously, love is love between any cats.

PAZ: I see no difference. "Your friend is in love with you but you don't like him [laughs] you don't like him like that. What do you do? Stop being friends. Tell him you don't like him but try to stay friends. Flat out tell him you don't like them. Tell them that you already like someone but help them find the mate. Freak out and say you like them back even though you know you don't."

LIZ: No.

PAZ: "Try and change the subject."

LIZ: You know what, change the subject.

JULIAN: I picked freak out.

PAZ: "You have to choose between saving your kits, an elder, you friend, you friend, or the leader. Who do you choose? None of them, I don't need them. I would try to save them all. I would save my mate, I couldn't live without them. I would save my leader, the clan needs them. My friend, he's always been there for me. My kits, my mate would want the best for them."

LIZ: Is this the trolley problem?

PAZ: Well, no, you just have to pick one. Well, I guess everyone else gets killed. So yes.

LIZ: Hmm. Wasn't there one of the options all of them? Can I pick all of them?

PAZ: Yeah, "I would try to save them all." Okay.

LIZ: Yeah, I'm a very powerful cat.

PAZ: Okay, good to know. "You're face to face in battle with your sister who joined another clan. You leave the fight, I don't care anymore. Run away, I could never hurt anyone let alone my family. Scare her off, I don't want to hurt her but I'm loyal to my clan. Try to avoid her in battle, I don't want to fight my family." Some of these really just overlap, huh? Yeah.

"Try not to fight her but if she leaps, I won't hesitate."

LIZ: Is there one where it's just like, it's on sight?

PAZ: That's that one, "I won't hesitate."

LIZ: No, it says "try to avoid her" still. No. What if these fictional cats are having--

PAZ: The last one is "attack. She left the clan. It was her choice."

LIZ: I'm gonna say attack because I'm gonna say my fictional cat sister and I have a terrible dramatic relationship.

PAZ: Wow. Damn.

LIZ: Yep. We're going for tragedy here.

JULIAN: Incredible.

Unknown Speaker

"Clan or kin? Clan, kin, or myself."

LIZ: Um, well, it's not kin because I just said I would kill my sister on sight if she was a cat and I was a cat. Probably not my-- you know, I tried to save the entire cat clan before. It's gonna be myself. Some me time.

PAZ: Oh.

JULIAN: You're a--

PAZ: Did a little 180.

LIZ: Yeah, you don't know what to expect.

JULIAN: I was going to say we're going for found family here but no.

LIZ: No. Maybe I failed when I tried to save everyone and now I'm taking some time to reflect.

PAZ: This is a very tragic story arc. "Your leader makes you deputy. You you proudly stare at your clan. You try your best to be a good deputy. Freak out, refuse the offer. Smile at your clan as your mother's eyes gleam proud of you, that was all you cared about. Protect you clan with your heart."

LIZ: Mother's eyes, please.

PAZ: "Your mother's eyes gleam proud of you, that was all that you cared about?"

LIZ: Mm-hmm.

PAZ: That one? Okay. "Your friend from another clan is stealing your prey. You you ignore them, they're you friend. You take your prey back. You ask them why they're doing this and get your prey back. You scare them off not hurting them. You chase them off then report them to your leader."

LIZ: [gasps] No.

PAZ: "Attack them, just because we're friends doesn't mean I'll let him steal my prey.

LIZ: Wait, is that it? Is there no option to share?

PAZ: No, no sharing.

JULIAN: Uh, you could ignore them.

LIZ: I'll do--

JULIAN: That would share them.

LIZ: I'll ignore them.

JULIAN: That would be the closest you can get.

LIZ: I can't not-- I'm a fisher as we've established. I can just do it again.

PAZ: (muffled, laughing) This next question.

LIZ: Yeah?

JULIAN: Can I read it?

PAZ: Yes, please read it. Please read it.

JULIAN: "What cat is your mate? Voleheart, a brown tabby she cat with amber eyes, the sweetest cat you ever met. Scarpaw, a black tom with yellow eyes."

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: "A misunderstood cat."

LIZ: No, this is not my--

JULIAN: "Goldenmoon, a ginger she cat with light green eyes, the prettiest cat you ever seen. Barknose, a solid brown tom with blue eyes, you have knew him all your life. Rainpaw, a bluish gray she cat with dark blue eyes, a good fighter. I don't want a mate."

LIZ: Okay, I'm crossing off all of the toms because clearly this is a lesbian cat. I already forgot the names of the other ones. I'm gonna go--

JULIAN: You get sweet, pretty and good fighter.

LIZ: I will go with good fighter.

JULIAN: Are your choices. That's Rainpaw.

PAZ: Congrats.

LIZ: Yeah, we'll have a beautiful summer wedding full of fish.

PAZ: I want you to choose this next answer based solely off name. "What's your favorite cat out of these? Onestar? Tigerstar? Blackstar? Firestar? Stonefur? I can't choose."

LIZ: Seeing so many stars makes it feel kind of repetitive. I'm gonna go for Stonefur because that's two very conflicting textures.

PAZ: Okay. You like the intrigue?

LIZ: Yeah, the complexity, the figurative language implication.

PAZ: Let's see what what Clan you're in. RiverClan.

It's because I'm a fisher.

"You're a RiverClan cat. You most likely smart and witty."

LIZ: Most likely.

PAZ: Most likely. "You always keep your eye on the prize and won't take no for an answer. You like the summer and relaxing in the pool. You're very suspicious of new people and only trust someone you are close to."

LIZ: This is an interesting summary because I clearly did take no for an answer when my friend stole my fish and I didn't get to have it. And I guess it's fine with me. No, that's it. We've built the character.

PAZ: You could have been a kitty pet or a loner.

LIZ: Wow. Well, I won't be a loner because this cat got married, obviously.

PAZ: Yeah, congrats on your marriage.

LIZ: Thank you.

PAZ: Julian, did you take this quiz?

JULIAN: What did you get, Paz? Oh, I did. Don't worry.

PAZ: What's your result?

JULIAN: I got ShadowClan.

LIZ: Wow.

PAZ: Mysterious.

JULIAN: Yep, I'm "most likely funny and a mystery to most. I'm very secretive and blunt and I tend to hurt people without knowing. I know my rights and wrongs but my anger always gets me in trouble."

PAZ: Ooh, bad boy.

JULIAN: I was assigned evil at birth.

PAZ: I forgot to take this quiz before the show, but I took the official quiz and another quiz from HarperCollins and they both gave me SkyClan. But I don't really know anything about so um, that's great.

LIZ: Wait, you said they were exiles.

PAZ: They can jump really high apparently.

LIZ: Big jumper and exiled right?

PAZ: Yeah, exiled-- I know they lived in a gorge. I think I liked them in that book they were in a gorge but I don't know anything about them.

LIZ: You should take the one we took now and we can reveal it next time.

PAZ: Yeah, I'll report back.

JULIAN: Yes, perfect.

PAZ: Well, I think that wraps up this session everything we had to say. We got our clans assigned.

LIZ: Talked about the balls.

JULIAN: We talked about the balls. We talked about the politics.

PAZ: Yeah. And I'm very curious to see if both of those are reoccurring.

LIZ: Balls and politics?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Okay.

JULIAN: Ballotics.

PAZ: Yeah. Um, I didn't pick out what we're reading for next time but it'll probably be another chunk of chapters. Do we need like a cool sign off? I don't have a cool sign off.

LIZ: Is there like a Warrior Cats saying?

PAZ: Wait, let me google Warrior Cats sayings.

LIZ: Wait, can you-- can you two cat owners just get your cats to like meow into the mic and we can just have that at the end.

PAZ: Mm, no. Okay, a Warrior Cats guide. Exclamations, phrases and insults.

LIZ: I feel like this could also be a section next time.

PAZ: Oh yeah. May StarClan light your path. I remember that one. Classic.

LIZ: Unless you've got your balls cut off.

PAZ: Yeah, okay, may StarClan light your path unless you don't have balls, then fuck you. Bye, everyone.

LIZ: Bye.

[outro music]

#transcript #ep 01 #the soul is stored in the balls #into the wild ep

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thexbunker · 4 years ago

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Story: Surviving the Bunker

Chapter: Two

Characters Featured: John Murphy, Emori, Bellamy Blake, Echo, Raven Reyes, Monty Green, Harper MacIntyre, Clarke Griffin, Bjorn, Ivar and unnamed others

Universe: The 100 spliced with characters from Vikings. Canon to a point and then with a twist.

Wordcount: 5412

“Hope is a waking dream.”

Had they been hoping she would appear? Bjorn was honest when he said that he was but he suspected his brother, Ivar, would deny it. Even still, more than once, he had seen his brother scanning the fence line around the gate for that sweet face and distinctive tattoo. There were others out there but they had spent years offering people a place within the Bunker. These fools didn’t want to live by their rules. They wanted to take over the Bunker. Well, they were mistaken if they thought such an action would be permitted. They should rejoin the battle in Polis if they wanted that level of contention. Still they agreed to take infants and small children to give some a chance to see their bloodline carry on.

Bjorn was making final preparations to close the outer doors and waiting for the last of the little ones to be carried through. He wasn’t at all sure why he was still looking, still hopeful that little Emori and her pretty faced man would show up. He had liked that boy in the few minutes he had known him. Scrappy fighters were always his cup of tea as his grandmama used to say.

The Bunker itself was 26 floors with a final level, just below the last official level containing a natural hot springs and deep cavern that had no external entrance, other than the Bunker above. They had checked thoroughly and even with the rising radiation outside, the hot springs showed no signs of contamination. It was a blessed relief since they were counting on those springs for heat, water decontamination and frankly, the ability to just enjoy something natural that felt, just for a while, like being out in the world and not in a metal box.

They had restored the Bunker but stripped out many of the spaces they seemed to desire in the Days Before. Instead, they focused on animals, food growth, storage and of course living quarters. To survive the next six to ten years, they also needed not to go as mad as they once claimed LachiaKru to be. So when the bar known as the Cavern was built on the lower level, just above the hot springs, the Grandmother and her heir, the Granddaughter looked the other way. They also did the same with the sparring space they had developed in the empty space in the mechanical level. Frankly sometimes you just needed to hit something to keep yourself together.

The entrances to the Bunker were connected to a space that surrounded the real bunker that was through a large set of doors known as Blast Doors. That’s what the side read, still visible after a century. Bjorn liked the words, Blast Doors. There was something that spoke to action about them that he found appealing. The external doors were connected to the Blast Doors by small tracks on which carts operated to allow them to haul goods and materials. The best of these was now stored on the first level inside the Bunker, in the hopes of having them remain functional once the doors reopened. The last ones were rickety and old and if it had not been the end of it all, they would have been dismantled for parts and destroyed. There were two left out, the one pointed toward the blast doors and the other pointed down one of the old lines, although they did not intend to use this one again. It was in rather terrible shape after all. The carts operated by levers that rocked back and forth with a person on each side of the level pumping down which caused the other side to rise. They then would build up a speed all their own and you just had to hold on for dear life. The stopping function had been among the first to go.

Bjorn was about to give the signal to close the door when he spotted a group of people dressed in red suits with matching helmets. It was so eye-catching that he stopped, rather transfixed, and then he made out one small face. Emori! He gestured to his brother, and stated brusquely, “Emo laik hir. Osir souda go ge em.” (translation: They are here. We must go get them.)

He could hear Ivar cursing but the man put up no argument as they pulled on the gear they used to protect themselves from the perpetual damp and waded out. The people surrounding the gate screamed at them and Bjorn felt a pang of guilt. He did not enjoy leaving others to die. He was a Healer after all. He wanted to spare them all from needless suffering. Unfortunately, there was little he could do. The Grandmother had decided and frankly, he only had consent to take in Otan, Emori and her man. That was all. Still, he knew he wouldn’t leave the others of her group, even though he was well aware he was risking the Grandmother’s wrath in so doing. Worst still, he was risking the Granddaughter’s wrath and frankly she was a little scarier than the Heda of their Clan.

Ivar and Bjorn approached the Gate with haste, inserting the key and letting it open slightly. You could open this gate in pieces, rather than all at once, which was a benefit in this moment. The smaller section opened under Ivar’s hand and Bjorn reached forward for the Emori. Other red suited creatures fell through as well, making a break for the entrance.

However the crowd was not prepared to take this lying down and started to pull back. Bjorn almost had Emori’s man in hand when the crowd hauled him back and he disappeared from Bjorn’s side in a tide of bodies that seemed to crash like a wave. Bjorn carried Emori through and he watched as Ivar scooped up another red-suited female and carried her through the entrance. Unable to stop the rush of people now, the doors slammed shut behind Ivar, who just made it through in time.

Emori was fighting in his arms and he couldn’t hold her any longer. She ran to the door and banged on it with angry hands. She pried off the helmet she was wearing and practically threw it at Bjorn. Her words were incoherent and tumbling over one another. His sister was yelling from her position on the last cart pointed toward the Blast Door. Three other warriors, each holding a sobbing child sat on that cart waiting to go, and exhausted by leaving so many to their fate.

“ENOUGH!” Bjorn roared, loud enough that even the three small children stopped and stared at the roar of sudden sound. One hiccupped, which would ordinarily be charming, but no one was in the mood to laugh. Bjorn looked back at Emori and stated clearly and slowly in English, which he knew she spoke well. “How many of your group are missing besides your boy?”

Emori wasn’t sure and glanced around but the question was answered by another red suited female. She pried off her helmet and looked gravely at Bjorn, “Four. Four are missing. Clark. Murphy. Harper and Monty.” Bjorn met her eyes and felt like she was familiar. She was not one of the SkaiKru and she was clearly a warrior. He was sure if the world were quieter, he would be able to place her but he couldn’t in this moment.

“Good. You can recognize them all. You are coming with me. We’re going to go get them.” he stated firmly and she only nodded in response. The only male in the group they had rescued pried off his helmet as well. Dark curls surrounded a handsome face, “I’m going too.” He chimed in and then nodded as if he two were signing up a pledge. By all the old gods, these people were dramatic about things.

“Me too.” Emori continued, as the redheaded female waiting on the cart spoke up, “Bjorn ... the Blast Door is closing soon. We need to ...”

“No! Enough!” He interrupted, growing frustrated with the unnecessary delay as people wanted to talk and not follow an order, “Cat, I am not playing games here. Go tell them to hold the Blast Doors for us. Emori, you go with my sister. You will be persuasive and you being safe here is the rationale we will need to get your man in as well. If you want your John Murphy to live, get on the cart and do what my sister tells you to do.” He gestured to the young woman wearing tools on a low belt and had her bright hair screwed up into two balls on the top of her tiny head. “Cat, Take the rest of the group with you. Wait there.” He nodded to the young woman who was half collapsed alongside the wall. She had been carried in by Ivar and looked exhausted.

“Take care of her. We’ll get your strays. Do not leave the Bunker. We will not get a second chance at this. We’re pushing it already.” Bjorn repeated and prayed they did indeed have the time they needed.

The young male, a man he would come to know as Bellamy Blake, stared at the thick metal doors and stated quietly. “So open the doors.”

Bjorn shook his head at the request framed as a demand and nodded toward his brother, Ivar, “We’ll go out the east entrance. It is smaller. Most don’t know about it. We need not to catch eyes. Come on. We do not have time to waste.” As he spoke he turned on his heel to climb aboard the rickety excuse for a cart. It was on its last legs but with luck, it perhaps had a few more lives to spare.

“Get on.” Bjorn demanded and he didn’t have to ask twice. Bellamy and Echo had barely settled on the cart when it began to move. LachiaKru had used these paths and old machines to move goods, people and animals in the decades they had spent restoring the bunker.

Bjorn watched as the red suits sat in silence on the edge of the cart as it sped along. They seemed to be breathing heavily but he wasn’t about to drag them from their thoughts. He was plotting how they were going to manage to get to the strays and get the pretty man and the rest of the group back within their walls. He also prayed that Ubbe would have joined Cat at the entrance. His third brother was a persuasive man who had a long-standing friendship with Elys, the Granddaughter, and frankly a friendly ear would be needed when they had so blatantly defied the will of the Granddaughter. The cart finally came to a hard stop and the occupants were half flung to the ground in a heap. “Sorry about that. No brakes left on this one.” Bjorn stated as he jumped down and offered a hand to help the other two back up to their feet. “All in one piece? Good.” He reached for a spear and passed one to the warrior. The other male was clinging to a firearm slung by a strap around his chest. Bjorn hadn’t noticed it earlier but it glinted threateningly in the dim light of the flickering overhead lights. SkaiKru, he guessed, much like Emori’s man. He wondered if the others were also SkaiKru or if two SkaiKru males found themselves travelling to safety without their own group.

“I’m Echo. Of Azgeda.” Bjorn nodded in acknowledgement of the name. An impressive Clan, although a little prone to rage and vengeance in his opinion. Still, to his mind, they would not be sorry to count her among their own and then glanced at the other who hastily added, “Bellamy Blake. Of ... I guess I used to be SkaiKru. Arcadia.” Bjorn nodded, as he suspected. It was less impressive. From what he had seen, the people of SkaiKru had never quite lost their sense of their way was the only way, as if they hadn’t been surviving on the Earth’s surface for the last century while they were snug and safe in space.

“We need you to be a little less visible.” Ivar ground out. He was always the more silent brother but only people who did not know him thought him unaware. He was observant and insightful. He was also right. The bright red was far too visible to the others. Each brother grabbed a rain slick poncho and pulled them down over the suits the Azgeda warrior and SkaiKru guard were wearing.

Bjorn nodded and started, “All right, let’s keep things clear. I get the impression you’re used to being in charge here but this time you are going to listen to me. We have a short window. We’re going to move as fast as we can to find them and get them back here. They will only hold that final door for so long, especially now that the front gate has been breached.”

He shrugged and continued as he and his brother placed their hands on what seemed to be another outcropping of rock and pushed. As he did so, Bjorn continued, “I’m Master Bjorn. He’s Master Ivar. Just so you know, we usually patch people up and don’t put holes in them.” Ivar had to laugh at this, despite the dire situation, “Not that we can’t. Although if we’re really going into a fight, we should have brought Cat.”

Bjorn just laughed as the two of them finally caused the door to pop open and they continued to push until it was wide enough to allow all of them to step through with ease. Ivar slid it almost all the way closed but even in this state, it was nearly impossible to identify the location. The small group were standing on the side of a hill with only a little gravel at their feet to indicate where the entrance was.

“Impressive.” The one called Bellamy commented. Ivar nodded in agreement as they started to walk, and explained, “There’s actually nine other entrances. Aside from the main one. All lead to the central blast doors. One on each side of the mountain. We’ve been working on this for longer than anyone of us has been alive.” To their left was a deep forest which now looked coated in the toxic rain and dying foliage, giving it a bleak impression. In the distance ahead they could make out the village where the leaders of LachiaKru had once resided, along with the most prominent families. There were no LachiaKru people left there, only those who had come to the village too late and too desperate. The village was now a shell of its former self, inhabited by outsiders, desperately clinging to something they had rejected for generations. To their right was the mountain itself, containing the restored Bunker.

“Although in about six to ten winters, when we reopen, who knows how many will still be accessible. We may have to dig our way back out.” Ivar continued conversationally. They were almost half-way back toward the main collection of people when they heard a man call out. Bjorn paused, suspicious and uncertain. A single man emerged from the darkened forest and to say the group hunting for the strays was suspicious was an understatement. “Wait here.” Bjorn murmured and approached.

Extending an arm, Bjorn grasped the other’s forearm in an acknowledged greeting. “Hello old friend. Changed your mind?” He questioned quietly. The other Healer, Itam, was known to him. An old friend with a stark terror of enclosed spaces. Itam’s reasons were valid but it still hurt Bjorn’s heart to know the other man would choose death rather than join them in the Bunker. Itam didn’t waste his words, “I have them. The ones you are searching for.”

“What do you mean, my friend?” Bjorn was cautious. He didn’t need to disappear on a fool’s errand. They had too little time.

“The ones in red. Better hurry though. Several of them are injured and we just barely got them to our shelter.” He gestured toward the deeper woods, where they would be away from the gate. It was a risk. A genuine one. They could waste time, be assaulted, held to bargain for a place inside.

Bellamy called out, desperation in his words. “We need to get to the gate. Now!” Ivar shushed him, “Wait and see.”

Bjorn considered it and met his friend’s gaze. Trust or not to trust? Which would be the lost time. “We follow him. Come on.” Bjorn trusted Itam and hoped he was not wrong to do so. Otherwise all of their lives could be lost today. They pushed through the murky depths of the wooded area, stripped of life from the toxic nature of the rain that had poured over it many times now. The radiation level was stripping everything of life. The wood of the shelter looked slick and haphazardly thrown together but as the door opened light and warmth flooded into the darkened forest. Night was falling now and in the wooded area, now dying, it felt more dark and chilled than ever before. To think only twenty years ago, they had played here in a wood full of living creatures.

A fire roared pleasantly in a low fire pit. The others sat around in a semi-circle, with three of the red suited people standing in the middle. “Clark” the man called Belllamy Blake nearly shouted in relief, rushing to her side. The fair haired woman’s helmet was cracked and sitting in her hands. With the addition of their group, there were now too many bodies in this small space.

Bjorn pushed back the fabric of the hooded garment he wore and looked around. “Where is the boy? The one called John Murphy.” Bjorn questioned gruffly. If they had not gotten the boy, this journey was only partially completed. John Murphy was, after all, the point. To be frank, if the pretty faced man had made it through, they likely wouldn’t be out here.

A heavily pregnant woman stood up and pushed toward them. In her hand was a bloody rag that she then tossed into the fire before she cupped her back and sighed, “He’s over here but he’s hurt. You need to get him inside. I have nothing to treat him with.” Bjorn stepped around the young man blocking him from seeing the boy and crouched low. John Murphy. He sent a prayer of thanks to the gods and reached forward to dust a hand over the boy’s cheek. The breathing was shallow and the gash on his forehead was dripping blood, soaking his hair and the fabric underneath him. Damn it. That would require a couple of stitches to close at the least.

As he touched the young man, he saw the eyes flutter and then open but he couldn’t seem to focus and flinched away from the gentle caress. Bjorn didn’t blame him, “Hello again, John Murphy.” He greeted quietly, I think you looked prettier last time I saw you. Shall we get you back to your Emori before she digs her way out with her knife and a rusty spoon?” He tried to joke. Murphy opened his mouth as if to speak but could only cough, spraying Bjorn with droplets of blood and mucus. Damn it, that likely meant there were other injuries hidden beneath the awkward garments that he was wearing and which were now in a tattered state. He needed to get him to his Healer’s Ward immediately. Reaching around the younger man, he cupped the back of his head and then under his knees before Bjorn lifted him slowly. He tried not to wince as the pup whimpered in pain. Still, as if having good sense even in this state, an arm circled Bjorn’s shoulders and gripped the fabric as tightly as he could. “Let’s go.” the boy mumbled through bloodied lips, barely clinging to consciousness. “That’s a good boy.” Bjorn praised in a soft whisper. “I’ll take good care of you. I promise.” Just live, the Healer prayed.

He turned to leave and was astounded to see his friend, Itam, holding a knife to Bjorn’s throat. A standoff had formed in the time it had taken for him to collect the pup. All the heavens and all the hells, they did not need this right now. The entrances were blocked, the strays plus the two they had brought with them were now in the centre, surrounding the firepit, giving the room an odd glow as the light reflected from the red of their attire.

“What is the meaning of this?” Bjorn demanded. “Itam! I trusted you. This is not necessary.” It was rare to see him genuinely angry but ooh angry he was. He had trusted Itam. What was this? Finally, the eldest of the warriors stepped forward. “Itam is acting on my orders.” He nodded toward the heavily pregnant woman who had been trying to care for the John Murphy, “That is my daughter. And this one ...” He gestured to his left to a pretty faced younger male, “Is her man. Take them with you. That’s my grandchild she’s carrying. I want her to live. I want my blood to continue.”

The younger male spoke hastily, almost too quickly to be understood well, “You don’t have to take me. Just her. Please. Our baby deserves a chance. She’s a good woman. She ...” The older warrior held up his hand so the young one fell silent, “Take both of them.” It was a demand and a flatly stated one at that. It was also a plea. Bjorn had a soft heart and he could feel it crumbling in the face of a father’s desperation. Would two more young and healthy people matter after he had muddled it up with Emori’s motley collection of strays?

“We don’t have time for this....” Clarke started to argue and a din of raised voices started to rise in the confined space. There was rumbling outside. More rain was coming. It was a tell-tale sign and with so much damage to his suit, Bjorn was worried that the pup he had in his arms wouldn’t survive if they waited much longer. The Blast Door would also not stay open throughout an entire rain storm.

Ivar threw back his head and smashed Itam’s nose. One heard it snap loudly in the over-crowded room. He pushed the man he had once called friend away from his body.

“Fine. We’ll take them.” Ivar stated flatly. “We leave now. We will never again speak the name of Itam. You are without honour.” To the LachiaKru, to have your name stripped was the lowest form of dishonour and Itam gulped and hung his head in shame. He was facing the end of his life and had abandoned his honour at the end of it all. Ivar’s hard gaze swung around as his hand shot out to shove the baby’s father toward the pregnant young woman. “Let’s move now. If that rain pours, these bargains will mean little for none of us will survive the night.”

The young father-to-be rushed to his woman’s side and gathered her close, helping her into a thick overcoat. A bag was put to his back and he picked up his weapon again. “This way.” He seemed shamefaced but there was a spark of hope there that had not existed earlier. Bjorn was displeased to jostle the young man in his arms so much given the undermined state of his injuries. He feared killing him just by moving him at a bad time. Emori might never forgive him. One of the other red-suited males was clutching his arm and trying to stay upright. It was hard to say now - dislocation perhaps - but it was clearly painful. Bellamy Blake was trying to help the pregnant girl hurry as much as possible. The tiny blonde female with fierce eyes brought up the rear.

With every step they were brought closer to the mountain’s edge and away from the dark forest. Bjorn found it hard to stay upright in the softened ground when he was trying to hurry at this pace. He saw the one with the injured arm slip and fall. He was helped up by the one called Echo and another female in a red suit. He shifted John in his arms and prayed only that Cat managed to persuade them to hold the Blast Door this much longer. The eastern door was finally in reach. “Are you sure?” The young warrior muttered, terrified that this was a fool’s errand and he and the woman he loved would be abandoned when they had a shred of hope at last. There didn’t appear to be any entrance after all. The fears were understandable but they did not have time for them.

“This is it.” Ivar assured as he turned the lever that was holding it in a partially open position and pulled open the ancient door, revealing the hidden entrance. Ivar held the door for him as Bjorn stepped through first and settled John Murphy on the old cart. He helped the pregnant woman up next and had her hold onto the pup as best she could. He directed the young addition up to the lever. He could help them get the cart moving, once done, the slope on this particular track should get them to where they needed to be - right in front of the Blast Door in the nick of time. The others joined John Murphy and the pregnant woman on the cart including the young man with the injured arm and his companion. Echo had scrambled up and was trying to get everyone situated so there was enough room for the last few additions. She was helpful. He would remember that later. Finally, Bjorn glanced back and growled in frustration. Bellamy Blake was standing at the doorway with the blonde female on the other side. His brother’s expression was growing increasingly angry.

“Why are you wasting time? Come. Close the door and let’s go now!” Bjorn shouted as he approached. The blonde female did not look away from the SkaiKru male, who looked distressed.

“You have to come. Clarke!” Bellamy was pleading. He seemed desperate and in distress. Were these two lovers? It didn’t seem so since she seemed reluctant to advance any further. Exasperated, Bjorn approached and interrupted, “In or out.” Bjorn interrupted. “You do not get to kill the rest of us while you have a heartfelt discussion. As if on cue, the sky rumbled again and lightning streaked the sky. They had made it inside with mere minutes to spare. The rain was about to fall. The blonde female didn’t look at either LachiaKru Healer. She kept her gaze on Bellamy Blake as she shook her head, slowly, sadly, “I just .... I can’t ... I can’t be owned. It’s just not ... I can’t live like that. Trapped. Caged. A possession. It isn’t right Bellamy. It just isn’t right. I can’t trade safety for enslavement.”

Ivar’s jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed. Bjorn was equally angry. This woman knew nothing of his people or their ways and her judgment was rank. Typical SkaiKru. “Fine. In or out.” Bjorn stated with a nod, “Close the door, Ivar.”

Ivar looked at Bellamy Blake. The male had acquitted himself well today so he was prepared to give him one final choice, “In or out Bellamy Blake. Leave with her. Stay with us. Your choice. Right now.”

Bellamy looked out at the blonde female and then back at the others. “In.” He stated quietly, reaching forward to pass Clarke his weapon and then stepping back inside the entrance. His eyes remained fixed on hers as the door drew closed and Ivar bolted it shut. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he turned and stumbled toward the cart.

He was the last one and was barely on it when they began working the old apparatus to set the cart into motion. Echo had to reach forward to catch his clothing and haul him all the way on. There was a downward slope heading toward the main entrance from this level and it quickly picked up speed. They rounded the turns with speed and made no effort to slow. It meant the stop would be ugly.

Ugly it was. The main entrance was half way closed and Cat was bouncing and waving as they barrelled toward her on the old cart. Bjorn crouched low and looked over at the young father-to-be. “Hold onto her. This is going to be abrupt.” He managed to get out before doing the same with the injured boy. He feared what such a sudden stop would do to the young man’s injuries but there was no hope for it. They had no time to organize a soft landing.

Cat was screaming, “They are coming. They are coming. Did you get them?”

They could not answer. The deadlocks were in place, preventing the cart from entering the Bunker. It did mean that as it crashed to a stop, the cart’s occupants were flung off of it violently. Bjorn managed to catch the pup but it was a near thing from the boy’s head crashing into the metal of the doors. Bjorn groaned, cognizant of the fact that his own body was going to be black and blue after this one. Cat was pulling the others through and Bjorn barely managed to cross the threshold with John Murphy in his arms. He was the last one.

A buzzer sounded and the entrance slammed shut for the last time. This Blast Door would not reopen for seven long winters. Bjorn just sat, his back against an old piece of machinery, and tried to regain his bearings. He hadn’t seen where the others had fallen or their state of injury. His focus was on the young man in his arm. “John Murphy?” He whispered quietly, leaning in toward the boy. “Can you open your eyes for me? Are you still with me?” He asked but aside from drawing another ragged breath, the boy did not open his eyes or speak. The wound on his head was bleeding again.

Bjorn didn’t look away from the boy until he felt another tap to his shoulder. Bjorn looked up to see his brother, Ubbe. “We thought you weren’t going to make it. I see you couldn’t resist just a few more strays.” Ubbe had the good sense to bring down a gurney with him. Bjorn slowly rose and set the boy he was holding onto the gurney. Then he felt someone shove him away and the wild Emori was looking over her injured man. Bjorn smiled affectionately and nodded to his brother, “Some strays are worthwhile.” He noted sadly that Otan was not among them. Later he would ask Emori about it. For now, he let her follow John Murphy to the Healer’s Ward. “I think I might have cracked a rib.” He groaned and then flashed a grin, “But I’m still here.”

Bjorn’s sense of rising optimism and good humour faded as he heard a familiar tap. A cane. The cane. The Grandmother. He swallowed his smile and straightened his back despite the pain in his side. No one knew if she actually needed the cane or simply used it to good effect. It was a talent to say the least.

“Grandmother.” He greeted the elderly woman respectfully before doing the same with the Granddaughter, “Master Elys.” Bjorn acknowledged both of them. Elys was heir to the title of Heda, which was currently held by the older woman. Although everyone of LachiaKru simply called her the Grandmother. She had long been labelled as a madwoman by the other Clans of the Commander’s Alliance.

“Well it appears I must welcome some new additions to LachiaKru. Patch them up, Master Healers. For the next few nights, they shall stay in the Healer’s Ward. Not a permanent solution but it will do for the next few nights. I will consider this challenge you have laid upon us. Two nights hence, a decision will be rendered before the midday meal.” The Grandmother’s voice was strong and although she did not raise her voice, all present heard the authority she carried.

“Until then, rest well.”

#chaptertwo #surviving the bunker story #bunkerxbjorn #bunkerxivar #bunkerxemori #bunkerxmurphy #bunkerxbellamy #bunkerxecho #bunkerxharper #bunkerxmonty #bunkerxnorah #bunkerxmicah #bunkerxcat #bunkerxclarke #bunkerxraven

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