#give that man time to answer the questions!!!!!!!!

[lizardho]

Being at BYU after my mission was weird. Like. Bad weird. Everybody was still acting like missionaries but they had nobody to teach so it all turned into the holier-than-thou bs that missions always degenerate into over time. Just the forced establishment of some weird social hierarchy where value is based on how devout you are, with people digging and scratching and clawing their way around humanity in order to become even more devout.

And this bullshit was actively killing me. The attempts to stay Good Enough were scraping the remnants of my humanity out of my husk like a spoon scraping the last bits of watermelon from a rind - I was doing what I had always done, be Mormon, do what Mormons do, be as good a Mormon as I could be, only it was breaking me. Instead of healing me, making me whole, taking away my burdens, it was pulling the life out of me in exchange for nothing. I was just being squeezed dry of everything I had to offer and being given back shame and isolation and rejection because I didn’t do it first, or fast enough, or with a willing enough heart, or whatever the hell they could come up with.

But despite myself, because most people smarter than me AND dumber than me would have left already, I found myself trying over and over and over again to make it work with no success.

One day, I snap. I’ve had enough. I need answers. I’ve looked everywhere and done everything I could by myself, and nothing had come of it, so I went to talk to a faculty member. A teacher at the school. He taught religion classes and his lessons were powerfully and inspiringly honest, earnest, and filled with raw humanity. I figured if I could get a straight (ha) answer from anyone, it would be that guy. He wasn’t involved in the Mormon rat race. He wasn’t playing the stupid “I’m Worthier Than You” games that were so pernicious on campus. He was being real and open and vulnerable and I needed that from someone.

So I go into his office and I lay my cards on the table. I figure if I’m gonna get helped, I need to be honest. I share with him my weird feelings about dad leaving the church on my mission. About my siblings leaving the church. About my own doubts and hurts. I tell him about how hard it is to be in limbo like this without knowing what to do or where to turn. I tell him I need answers.

And he listens. And then he starts with the usual Mormon apologetics bullshit. And I say “no” because I’m done with that. That doesn’t fly with me anymore. And he sees and hears me say no and he puts a hand on mine, makes direct eye contact, and says,

“You know, you don’t have to go to church, right?”

I, being a person who was hurting, interpreted that as “if you have questions that I can’t answer you should fuck off.” I got defensive immediately and he again listened, put his hand on mine, and said,

“Not what I meant. You can stay if you want, but I want you to know you can leave too. Take a break. Give yourself time to heal. This isn’t supposed to hurt this much, and if it hurts you can take a break and come back when it feels good.”

I’m actually getting choked up just writing that out. Nobody had ever said that to me before. When I talked about my dysphoria to my parents, they said teenagers are supposed to feel like that a little bit. When I talked to people about my difficulties at church they had always told me that it was a sign that church was working. That I was doing it right. That growth was supposed to hurt, that excising the Natural Man from me was supposed to be difficult, that I was supposed to be feeling this anxious and sad and scared. I had never ever ever been told that pain and suffering were signs things were going wrong. I had actually explicitly been told by many many many many many many many many people that it was good, that the hurt and the heartache and the constant feeling of never being good enough and never being able to fit into my own skin or love myself in any meaningful way was desirable. That it was something they envied.

It’s not supposed to hurt. Some things can, and should. My parents were right that some body concerns were normal (although we later found out my specific concerns were more abnormal lmao, I got that tgirl swag). My family and friends were right that challenging myself with difficult assignments and ambitious goals was supposed to feel uncomfortable.

And at the same time, THIS was not supposed to hurt. I was not meant to have this gaping throbbing aching hole in my Me that never let up. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT.

I don’t know when exactly I started crying, but I was crying the whole rest of the day. It was the first time in a while I had to actually take a Valium to clam down. It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

He also told me that if it ever stopped hurting I could always come back.

I think that was the day I really left. Others might say otherwise, I still tried to make it work for a few more months after that, but the idea that it wasn’t supposed to hurt really changed me.

If any of you are reading this - there are things that are supposed to be difficult. Things that are supposed to hurt. But if your faith or your beliefs about the world or yourself leave you feeling like you’ve been hollowed out at a minor mistake or setback, if your failures and setbacks leave you feeling raw and numb frequently, if the company you keep or the places you stay leave you feeling constantly inadequate with out hope or help, then I’ll tell you the same thing that professor told me:

You can go somewhere else. You can do something else. And you can always come back when you want.

But it’s not supposed to hurt.

[luveline]

𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭

part one | chapter list 

You find yourself drawn into Remus’ life after an awful night you can’t remember. He does his best to hold onto you. [10k]

cw: heavy themes, implied sexual assault of the reader [with no graphic scenes but it’s a continuous theme, so please be careful when reading], pregnancy, eventual friends to lovers, friendships, hurt/comfort, james makes a lot of soup, found family

𖦹

The pharmacy on Wilmand Street is always deathly quiet. The boy behind the counter reads and occasionally picks up the phone to put it back down, his hair in his eyes, a waxiness to his pale skin that never fails to perturb. 

Your shoes creak over the hardwood floor. He’s noticed your entry, signalled by a golden bell above the door and your muffled panting, but he hasn’t looked up. 

Your eyes slide past pads, nighttime, ultra-long panty liners, searching with a poorly restrained desperation for something in particular. 

The phone rings —dark-haired boy picks it up and puts it back down again as you recalled, silencing the ring. You watch him from over your shoulder and he looks up from his book to stare. 

“Pregnancy tests?” you ask.

His expression doesn’t change as he pulls a drawer open behind the desk with a metallic clink. “What kind?” 

“The most reliable. Please.” 

He gives a nod, black curl bobbing under his chin. He grabs a blue card box and places it on the counter. “Sixteen fifty.” 

You open your purse before you’ve reached him, extracting the change exactly and tipping it next to his book. “Thank you.” 

“Are you alright?” 

Your heart squeezes in your chest like a tightening fist. “Why?” 

“I have to ask. I’m a mandated reporter.” 

“I’m not a child.” 

He levels your look with his own. “You don’t have to answer. I’m only asking because you look upset. Are you alright?” 

You don’t think you’ve ever heard him say more than three words at a time. His voice is reminiscent of someone else’s, half-remembered. You want to ask him, then. The questions you’ve had since it happened. Why does it hurt so badly, still? But the boy, while seemingly well-intentioned, isn’t one you trust to care nor keep it to himself. 

“Fine,” you reply, pressing the blue-boxed test into your pocket, pulling the hood of your coat up to brace against the December rain. You’re fine. 

The door opens before you can get to it, another lovely dark-haired boy letting himself inside. His stare is blank as the one at the desk’s is, but you smile on instinct and he smiles back warmly after a moment, holding the door for you to leave. 

“Okay, Reg?” you hear him ask as you pass.

“Close the door,” Reg says. “You’re letting in the cold.” 

—

It’s even colder the next time you go. You throw on another hoodie and wrap a scarf tightly around your neck, face ducked, nose tickled by flyaway fibres. The walk to Wilmand Street takes seventeen long minutes where your hands hurt, then shake, chapped by hateful winds. 

The pharmacy’s newspapered window comes into view. A poster for the local pub leaks ink on the outside, wet by the rain, its font blooming like fungus across purple paper. Live music event: December 31st. 

The dark-haired boy —Reg?— is behind the counter again. The first one. Are you alright? boy. He looks twenty so or near that, but there’s something wilfully young about the skin under his eyes, despite a more haggard pinch to his brow. You were hoping it would be the second one, or the sandy-haired boy who mans the till in the very early mornings. He has a more natural smile than the other two. Perhaps not more authentic, but quicker to perk up when you slink in for whatever before work, Mondays and Fridays if he’s there. 

Reg doesn’t lift his head. You push yourself toward the back of the pharmacy. It’s a small shop slotted between two others, one wall touched from the next in thirty seconds should you walk it. It makes pretending you’re there for other things useless and embarrassing, but you do it anyway. Another test won’t change what you wanted the test to say, but you can’t take one single test and trust it was right. 

“Reliable?” Reg asks when you finally approach. 

“Yeah. And the five strip box, too, if you have it.” 

Reg takes them from the drawer and adds their prices seemingly in his head. “Eighteen eighty-nine.” 

You pass him a twenty pound note and wait for your change, not bothered that he counts it slowly, or that he puts it down flat on the counter away from your outstretched hand. “Thanks,” you murmur. 

He noticeably bites his tongue. 

“I want to be sure, is all,” you say. 

“If you go to the doctor’s, they do it for free. And it has a ninety nine percent rate of accuracy.” 

You hold the tests to your stomach. “I’m not… really sure what I’d want them to tell me, right now.” 

“They’d tell you the truth, at least.” Reg seems to decide this line of conversation isn’t one he wants to continue, and he lets his mouth flatten into a thin, white line. You get the sense though that he isn’t done talking, and are rewarded for your patience with an inkling of an almost-smile. “Please know that I’m bound by duty of care while I work here, so if you are concerned about something, I can listen and offer advice. And if you don’t want to tell me private information, my uncle is the acting pharmacist, and he is more strictly bound by patient confidentiality law.” He looks you in the eye. “You’re only as alone as you allow yourself to be.” 

“Who says that?” you ask, poked by the way he lays it out. 

Reg doesn’t like your question and doesn’t answer. He picks up his book, murmuring, “I hope they give you the result you want.” 

A different dark-haired boy is standing outside of the pharmacy when you leave. With a nice nose, eyes like a puppy, he’s handsome but hidden behind black frames. He stands from his car where he’d been leaning when the door swings out, sits back again when he realises you’re not who he’s looking for. “Sorry, lovely,” he says, pulling at a loosely-knotted tie. “I thought you were someone else.” 

“Sorry,” you say back, holding the tests to your chest. 

Your hand covers the boxes. His eyes flicker down to them regardless. You wait for disdain or embarrassment but see neither. Really, the only thing this new boy wears is pleasantness. 

“Don’t stay out too long, will you?” he asks, smiling genially, “You’ll freeze.” 

“I’m–” You clear your throat, caught off guard to have a stranger care about you so openly. No reluctance to his well wishes, and no strings. “Sorry– I’m going home now. I won’t stay out.” 

“Good, shortcake. Have a good night.” 

You should say you too. The wind chases you back to your flat, where you head for the bathroom, and, despite living alone, lock the door. 

—

You take your pregnancy test and sit on the floor, too weak-legged to stand at the sink, waiting for two pink lines. 

Sure enough. Control, result. One solid pink line, and one much lighter. It doesn’t matter —a positive is a positive, no matter how weak. The strip tests say the same thing. 

In TV and movies, people always paint the test as the ultimate moment. As though the result is the result, and that everything after is fixed, but the result now is only a signifier for another decision to be made: will you keep your baby, or foetus? Do you feel as though it is a baby, or a foetus, or both? Is it welcome, or a foreign object? There is no right or wrong answer, only how you feel. 

The migraine you get then is debilitating. Like toothache in every tooth, pain behind your eyes half-psychosomatic, half physiological stress. You’re not sure how long you’re in the bathroom holding your forehead, but it’s dark when you manage to stand again, and the tests have only gotten more obviously positive. You throw them all in the bin. 

—

The third day you go back to Wilmand Street pharmacy, the desk is manned by your unfamiliar, smiling boy. He looks up when the door opens, his eyes browned honey set in a face that recently saw the sun, but not too much of it. Kissed by it. His cheeks are pinked. He must be the first person who’s worked here to bother turning on the heating. 

“Morning,” he says.

“Morning,” you say back. Voice croaky, you remember to be polite. “You okay?” 

“I’m great, lovely, thank you. How are you?” He gives a nod toward the street. “It’s so cold out, are you gonna be warm enough in your jumper?” 

You find yourself struck as you were the day before, so startled by genuine kindness that you can hardly work your mouth. “I’m okay. I’m going right back home after this.” 

“Aw, good.” 

You nod. What are you here for today? Not another test. You aren’t stupid enough to believe a third round will give you a different verdict, but you‘d felt an urgent need to move. 

You grab a rounded basket from near the door and make your way to the haircare. There’s a handful of shampoos to choose from. You take the usual. Beneath them are baby shampoos and soaps. On a whim you pick one up, the words Tear and fragrance free stuck like a bad swallow at the back of your throat. 

Babies need so many things. At the supermarket they have these great walls of baby food and it’s expensive enough to take your eye out every time. A quarter of an hours wage for every organic, soft meal, and sure, they don’t need organic, vegetables are organic intrinsically, whatever, but if you don’t buy organic pre-made meals you have to make the baby food yourself, how long does that take? You put the baby shampoo down and turn to the conditioners. 

Unhappy, you scour them for nothing and turn on the spot. Why is Dr. Black never here? How are you supposed to ask him your questions if he doesn’t show up to work? 

You’ll have to ask the brown-haired boy. Nice eyes, nice smile. He probably won’t judge you, at least not out loud. 

He stands up from his rickety chair, soft leather seat worn and creaking as he pushes it away. “Yeah?” he asks. 

“Do you have to do that patient-confidentiality thing?” 

He smiles rather gently. “I do. A condition of my employment is to protect patient information. Legally, I can’t share private or sensitive information about you to anyone else in the world, unless I believe you’re in proper danger.” He holds his hands behind his back. “Is there something you wanted to ask me?” 

Wind roars outside. Your eyes start to the door. 

“There’s a private room in the back,” he adds. 

“I don’t want to waste your time.” 

“It’s not wasted. Even if I weren’t legally obligated to keep whatever secrets you may have, I’m worried you look a bit poorly.”

He speaks oddly. Or not odd, but different to any of the other men you’ve met. It’s friendly, and yet somehow he’s quiet, too. His interest feels real, so you cross the room to the desk and put your basket on your shoes. 

You try to find a way to say it. “I know you’re not a doctor.” 

“No, I’m an apprentice pharmacist.” 

“Right. I know I should go to the doctor, and not you.” 

“That depends. We’re here to help. Doesn’t matter if you should go somewhere, you can ask me first.” 

You struggle. He waits. His hands lay steady on the edge of the desk, his face nearly blank besides a hint of warmth.  

“Is it alright if it’s a question about, um, sex?” 

He nods emphatically. “Of course that’s alright. I can’t promise I’ll know the answer, but you’re welcome to ask me anything and I can always get back to you if you’re not willing to ask someone else.” His smile turns wry. “I know it’s uncomfortable, but it’s only sex. I don’t mind.” 

“I just…” You hold your hands together. “I wanted to know, if pain after… if it’s supposed to hurt so much after.” 

His wry smile is quickly subdued, though he remains friendly looking. “It depends,” he says, measured, “on a few things. You probably know that the first time you have sex can be painful because of the initial perforation of the hymen, but usually sex isn’t supposed to be painful at all.” 

“At all.” 

“No. If sex hurts, it’s likely from a lack of preparation, bruising of the cervix, or it could be a condition called vaginismus. That’s where your muscles tighten suddenly when you attempt penetration. Having sex with vaginismus can be extremely painful.” 

Something on his chest catches the light. A name tag. 

He follows your gaze. “Oh,” he says. “I’m Remus. Sorry, it might’ve been nicer for you to know that before I started talking.” 

Remus… You shake your head at him. “Um… Remus… Well, I’m not really sure what happened.” 

“Right.” 

“I wasn’t–” Your heart jumps before you can confess, horrible secret stuck to the roof of your mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “are you sure you don’t want to go sit down in the quiet room with me? I can make you a cup of tea.” 

“I can’t have caffeine.” 

“I have night time tea. Is that alright?” 

“The shop?” 

“It’s okay, I’ll ask Sirius to come down. You really aren’t doing anything wrong.” 

“I feel like I shouldn't ask you.” 

“That’s a consequence of our great British society,” he says, lightly teasing as he lifts the counter to come from behind it and presses a small red button on an intercom box by the inside door. It’s an attempt to make you feel better, and it nearly works. “You feel embarrassed about something you have no reason to feel embarrassed of. Everybody has sex, and everybody has bad sex, sometimes, and needs advice.” 

The intercom crackles before you can speak. “Moony?” a voice asks. 

“Sirius, I have someone who needs to talk to me. You’ll have to come on the till for a bit.” 

“Kay. Down now.” 

Remus smiles. “That’s about as obliging as he gets.” 

“Sirius, is he the– is he the one who reads?” 

“Not often. You’re thinking of Regulus, his brother.” 

Regulus, of course. “They look so similar.” 

“They do.” He gestures for you to stand beside him as the inside door swings open, unveiling one of those dark-haired brother’s, the taller of the two. 

“Oh, hi,” Sirius says, wet hair on his shoulders, his t-shirt sodden at the front like he’d swept it back, “okay? There’s biscuits in the left cupboard, Moons.” 

Remus, Moons, Moony, holds the door back and lets you inside. 

The walk to the quiet room is strange. Sitting down at the table with him as he passes you a box of biscuits, kettle boiling, he doesn’t put you on ends, but it doesn’t feel good. You slip your hand under your t-shirt where he can’t see and feel the hot stretch of your stomach for something that isn’t there. 

“So,” he says, grimacing, “I’m going to ask you some precursory questions. You don’t have to answer any of them if you don’t want to.” 

“Okay.” 

“Are you in any active danger?” 

You shake your head slowly. “None.” 

“Is someone close to you hurting you?” 

“No.” 

“Are you alright?” 

You twist your hands together tightly. “I don’t think so.” 

“No?” He slips his chair closer to your own. “Are you hurt now?” 

You look down at your lap. This is awful. This is why you didn’t want to go to see your doctor. “I don’t know. I’m not hurt, but it does hurt. I move and it feels like something sharp is digging into me.” 

“I see.” He frowns. “This can happen sometimes with penetration. It’s like I said before, if your body isn’t, you know, prepared? If you aren’t using lubrication, if you aren’t relaxed, it can be as simple as friction having hurt you, but it’s possible you’ve got cervical bruising, or an issue with your pelvic floor. It could be that you have a UTI. If we go through a couple of questions together I might be able to suggest a solution, but I have to tell you to see your doctor if you can. Alright? Pain after sex can be normal, but it doesn’t have to be. When we go back out, I’ll give you some paracetamol as well.” 

He looks as though he might have something else to say, but he stops when you open your mouth. “I don’t know what happened.” 

Remus frowns again. “Right.” 

The cellophane on the biscuits is shining under the light. 

“I don’t really know what to do.” 

“It’s a stabbing pain?” His frown gets impossibly deeper. “I have some ibuprofen. Off the record, you can have some of that with your tea. Here.” He procures a blister pack from his pocket and hands it to you, jumping up for the kettle, carrying it back to your mugs to set with the pint of milk. “It will probably go away soon, lovely, I would try not to worry, but it’s good to keep an eye on it too, and to book with the doctors if it gets worse. There are so many things that can go wrong in the body, but we’re also such good self-healers, it’s hard to know what to do.” 

“It’s… something else, too.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I was wondering if the pain is maybe because I…” 

Your face goes hot as coal embers, a furious sweat on the back of your neck. Remus doesn’t prod. He pours water into your mug until it’s a little over half full, the tea bag at the bottom staining it sepia. 

“I think I’m pregnant,” you say, not sure why it hurts to say so much. 

“Right.”

“Do you think it hurts because of that?” 

Remus bites his lip as he pours his own mug of tea. He’s looking at you as he puts the kettle down. “No, I wouldn’t think so, but it’s not an impossibility. How pregnant were you thinking?” 

“It was two weeks ago, so… so however long it takes to get pregnant.”

He looks alarmed, then. “Lovely, that was the last time you had sex?” 

“Yeah.”

“And it still hurts now?” 

“Only sometimes,” you say nervously. 

He ignores his steaming tea. “Right. Well, I think I need to advise you to make an emergency appointment today. I can make it with you. You shouldn’t still be hurting after two weeks, pregnant or not. Ectopic pregnancies don’t tend to hurt until further along, so…” Remus slows, looking at you with that too-kind frown, brown eyes darker back here behind the fog curls of his tea.

You feel caught on something. 

“I wasn’t awake,” you say quietly. “Just woke up hurting. I guessed what happened, ‘n now I’m pregnant. It could only have been...” You shrug it off, even as heat blooms behind your eyes, nose already hot and sniffly. 

“You were assaulted.” 

“Yeah, I guess so.” 

Remus seems to freeze up. “I’m sorry.” He takes a few seconds, and then he meets your eyes. “I can’t imagine how scary that must have been, and how scary it still is.” 

Your eyes line with tears. “I mean, it’s less scary now.” First tear tips forward as your voice falls to pieces. “I just don’t know what to do. Every day I’ve come here this week I’ve tried to ask about it, because I saw that poster, if I’m hurt then I can– then I can come to the pharmacy, but I’m not hurt, I’m fine now.” 

“Oh,” he says gently, pushing his chair over a little to bring himself closer, his hand coming to rest on your hunched shoulder, “even if you weren’t in any pain at all, you’re more than welcome to come here and speak to us, to me. This residual pain, I imagine you must’ve been quite injured when it happened. You didn’t have any help at all?” 

“I didn’t think there’s anything they could do.” 

“That’s okay, it’s not your fault,” he says, rubbing your shoulder kindly. “I just want to know as much of the details as you feel alright giving me, so we can move forward in the best way possible.” His hand slides across your back, nearly hugging. “I’m sorry. Really. And I’m sorry for talking so much about ‘bad sex’, I didn’t realise what you were telling me.” 

“I’m sorry for telling you.” 

“What?” he asks, a soft incredulity to him, “You have nothing to be sorry for. You can tell as many or as few people as you like, but I’m extremely glad to be told, because no one should ever have to face this sort of thing alone, should they?” He rubs your back when you nod, again when you sniffle. “Alright. It’s alright. You’re okay.” 

You don’t cry as much as you worry you might under a soft touch. The memory of waking up paralyses you for a bit, that confusion, the pain, the bruise across your neck. All of it makes you feel sick, but Remus shushes you under his breath, not to really shush you, but to calm you down. 

“I’m okay,” you say, shamed. 

“Try and drink some of this tea. Can I leave you alone for a minute?” 

“Oh, uh– yeah, of course. I’m fine.” 

His hand lingers between your shoulders. “Just for a minute, I’m going to find some bits for you–”

“I don’t need anything–”

“No, no, it’s okay, it’s just stuff I have to give you, and some things you might need.” Remus’ hand traces carefully to the front of your shoulder. He meets your eyes, nothing but compassion in the line of his mouth. “Okay?”

You say okay. Remus uses the door you came in through to head back out onto the pharmacy’s shop floor, letting it shut quietly behind him. You press your hand to your teeth. 

—

To Remus’ credit, he apologises for both pamphlets. Abortion Explained. What to expect when you’re expecting. “For you to know your options,” he’d said. “Whatever you decide, it’s your decision.” 

He can’t know you’ll spend a week pouring over them all, that you’ll worry at the corner of the STD clinic card, or that you’ll shove the RapeCrisis one down the side of your bed, desperate to throw it out, but terrified you’ll need it, too. 

And some of the stuff he gives you. You don’t even know what to do with it. Painkillers, lavender oil, discreet pads for incontinence. You’d tried to pay and he’d touched the back of your hand without explanation. “No, it’s okay,” he’d said. Nothing else. 

You spend days again wrapped in your own nausea, until Thursday evening, when you make your way to Community Support. 

You honestly weren’t considering it when Remus first gave you the card, but he said his friend worked there, “My best friend, James,” he corrected, ”and his wife, Lily, too. She talks to people about all kinds of things. I just wonder if you might feel happier talking about it with a woman.” 

Which was a nice sentiment, and possibly true, though Remus had been the first person you told. To be met with his sympathy in such a boundless capacity made it easier. Made you think, Maybe I’m not stupid for hating that it happened. 

“I’m here every Monday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday,” he‘d said when you made up a lie about needing to leave, scared of overstaying, “seven ‘til three, but you can ask for me if you ever want to. Sirius usually knows where I am.” 

And you had wanted to, but you knew you couldn’t. Being so desperately alone that you craved the comfort of a stranger’s hand is fine, but it didn’t feel okay to hold him hostage like that. Of course he feels sorry for you, of course he wants to make you feel better, how heartless would he look otherwise?

You’d chide yourself for thinking cynically about someone who’d only ever been nice if it would make a difference. Lonely, wrecked, you end up at the Community Support Group at the local leisure centre, wavering behind the swing doors. 

A face appears on the other side of the door. Deep skin, eyes like cherry pits and lips painted a cheery red, a woman smiles at you and pulls it open. 

“Hi! Are you here for the support group?” 

“Uh– Yeh–” You swallow roughly. “Yes. Is that here?” 

“That’s here.” She puts a thumb through the belt loop on her jeans. “Why don’t you come inside?” 

You take a tentative step.

“I’m Mary,” she says. 

“I don’t have to sign anything, right?” you ask. 

Mary leads you into the room without stopping. “This is off the books only. Do you want some tea or coffee?” 

“I can’t have caffeine.” 

“Decaf?” 

“Can I have water?” 

Mary has a good smile. Like she knows you, like you’re already friends. She cups your shoulder and guides you to the refreshment table, an impressive splendor of coffee, tea, individually wrapped biscuits, and sandwiches. There’s a box of protein bars with a handwritten red felt note that says: Take me home if you want to! 

“Aren’t hungry are you?” Mary asks. 

“Not really.” 

She ducks down at the table and pushes aside tablecloth to grab a crate of water from underneath.

“You haven’t been here before, then?” Mary asks as she stands. “I remember most faces, I don’t think I’ve seen you here.” 

“No, I’ve never… um, someone at the pharmacy told me I can come,” you say tightly. 

“Oh, you can! Of course you can. I wondered if you were new, that’s all.” She presses a bottle of water into your hands. You look down at her fingers, confused at their odd texture, your neck snapping up once you realise what you’re doing.

Mary has scars all over her hands, her wrists, and you’d been gawking at them by mistake. “Sorry,” you mumble. 

“For what? Do you want me to stay? Or would you rather be by yourself?” 

“We don’t sit in a circle, do we?” 

Mary laughs lightly. “No, no circle yet, you can leave if you don’t wanna stay for the group talking therapy. For the first hour people just say hello to one another. There are a ton of counsellors here, okay? I’m just gonna wander, but if you want to talk to me, come and find me, yeah?” 

“Okay, thanks. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome, hun.” She smiles at you, a little softer than before. “You can sit down if it makes you feel less awkward, but be warned, the sofas are James’ territory. He loves to talk.” 

Don’t wanna get stuck with James, you think. Though really, you’re here to talk. Or to turn around and go home with a pocket full of protein bars. 

The community room is an emptied dance hall that’s been made nice. There are big boards of fliers, of last year’s trampolining club, and another of the Community Support Christmas club, whatever that had been. It looked busier then than it does tonight —there are a ton of sunny looking counsellors dotted around the room and talking in triangles, half as many people like you. 

Someone random catches your eyes and you fluster, making your way to the terracotta sofas in the corner of the room on impulse. A man sits with an arm across his eyes, glasses on his chest, looking so sorrily tired for a second that you forget you’d come looking for help of your own. 

“Are you okay?” you ask, stilted. James’ territory, and you’d walked straight in. 

The man sits up starkly. He looks right at you, but you don’t recognise him until he puts on his glasses. It’s one of those pharmacy men. 

No, it’s not, you’d just seen him outside. 

“Hello,” he says, sliding his glasses up a strong-bridged nose. “I’m okay, I’m just resting my eyes,” —he laughs— “you alright?” You nod. “Yeah? Here for the support club? Or the sandwiches?” 

“I–” Will you stammer every time someone asks you about it? “One of the– the pharmacy, one of the pharmacists told me to come.” 

“That’s good,” he says earnestly. “I like those guys. Did you want a sandwich or something? I must’ve made a hundred. My hand still aches from the butter knife.” 

“I’m okay.” 

“Okay. Well, did you want to sit down? I promise I won’t hold you hostage or anything.” 

What am I doing? you think miserably, taking a seat in the sofa adjacent to his. 

He crosses one leg over the other. “Please don’t look so upset. I swear I genuinely won’t make you talk. I’m just here for the biscuits and lovely Lily, I promise. And lovelier Remus–” He laughs to himself. 

“You’re James?” you ask. 

“The last time I checked.”

“Remus– he mentioned you’d be here. I forgot.” 

James only smiles. “He’s brilliant, isn’t he?” he asks, wriggling in his seat to procure one of those biscuit packets from his back pocket. 

“He said that I might like talking to Lily.” 

It feels weird calling her by her first name without knowing her, but James agrees, “I’ll introduce you when she gets here, if that’s what you want.” 

“I just… I don’t know.” 

“She’s just as nice as Remus is. Remus was nice to you, wasn’t he?” 

You nod and look down at your clenched hands. “Yeah. He was nice to me.” 

“That’s good.” 

A tepid silence pervades for a moment. 

“Do you want a biscuit or something? Or we have noodles and soup and stuff in the storage room, I’m happy to make you something warm if you want that.” 

“You guys are like a restaurant,” you say, still not willing to look at him. 

“It’s nice to have options.” 

You nod hurriedly, sick to your stomach all over again. Options. Decisions. 

Somewhere in the room, they turn on a radio. Shoes squeak on the waxed floor, a boy laughs like he’s being tickled. It was a mistake to come tonight. You desperately want someone to hug you and you know it’s too much to ask for, staggering to your feet with a headrush to be blinked back. 

“You okay?” James asks.

“Yeah. Um, where’s the toilet?” 

“Back out of the double doors, they’re right in front of you, okay? Straight in front and then to the left, you can’t miss them.” 

“Okay.”

“Wait, Y/N?” he says. 

You shoot him a look that betrays your surprise. 

“Sorry, Remus told me to keep a look out for you. I just wanted to say, I know this is different, and it’s weird, I get that, and I have no idea why you’re here tonight, but I promised Remus I wouldn’t upset you, and I think I already have.”

“He didn’t tell you why I’m here?” 

“Of course not.” James blows a breath that makes his hair fly away from his face in a wave. “It’s none of my business why you’re here. My job is to make sandwiches. I mean, some people come here just for the sandwiches or the warm room, and that’s fine.” 

“The sandwiches are that good?” you ask. 

“They’re great. We don’t fuck around, I use the real salted butter in the foil wrappings and the thick bread and everything. Proper ham, not the wafer thin stuff. And there’s veggie bacon too, if you don’t eat meat. I don’t know, could you please just let me feed you something? Remus won’t forgive me if you came here and you didn’t even eat.” 

“I think you’re using Remus as a ploy,” you say quietly. 

“I am! So let’s go have a sandwich or a biscuit or something.” He waves his biscuits at you. “They’re Border’s. Butterscotch Border’s, you literally can’t ask for better.” 

Just try. Be brave for a bit. “I like the uh– the lemon ones.” 

James shoots up onto his feet, grinning. “Amazing taste. Let’s go find you some.” 

—

James takes you to the refreshment table. He finds you lemon drizzle biscuits, two packets, and he pushes two more into your hands with the command to take them home. He offers to make you dinner again when Lily arrives in a tizzy, with a chubby baby on her hip. 

Harry, she says. Just turned three. Scandalised everyone at home, Lily’s sister kicked her out, disaster. Harry, though, is beautiful. James and Lily are beautiful, and happy. James takes Harry into his arms the moment he sees him murmuring about his boy, and the sensation of guilt under your skin grows worse than ever. 

How are you liking group? Lily asks. Would you come back next week? That’s great! I’m so glad to hear it. 

—

You’re walking through Wilmand Street to the corner shop a few days later when you see him. Brown hair wet with snow, ashing a cigarette into the brick wall by the library. Remus cringes as he does it, blowing smoke from the side of his mouth in a call, “Y/N!” he says, “Hey, lovely, how are you? Sorry about the smoke,” he adds. “I was hoping I’d see you this week.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I wondered how you were doing.” 

“Well, don’t worry about me, I’m okay. I…” You cringe, pulling a hand down your sore chest. “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for the other day, for dumping that stuff on you, you don’t even know me and I told you such a horrible thing and made you worry, and your friends were so nice to me at the community group and I just didn’t say thanks or anything. I’m genuinely ashamed of myself.” You smile a weird smile, clunky, attempting to brush everything away like it didn’t mean anything, silly little you. “All the time.” 

Remus’ expression goes odd, a wall you can’t read, left searching his winter jacket for clues as to how he’s feeling. “I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of,” he says, finally and simply. 

“It was rude of me.” 

“I have some experience with feeling ashamed for the things other people have done,” he says, flakes of snow kissing his shoulders, a white dot coming to rest and melt on his cheek. “I understand why you’re feeling this way, and it’s expected, but… How do I put this?” 

You watch his eyes. Remus struggles to say anything more. It’s the first time you’ve ever seen a flicker of insecurity on him. He always seems calmly settled, as though he’s thought about the world and found what it is he was looking for in it a long time ago. 

“Just because we think something doesn’t make it true,” he says, hiding his hands in his coat pockets. “You might feel like it was wrong to tell me, but it wasn’t, and you might think you were rude to my friends, but you weren’t. They didn’t have a single bad word to say about you. Not that either of them tend to say anything disparaging about anyone,” he adds as an afterthought. 

“I wish I didn’t tell you, is all.” 

“I’m sorry. I can go on as though you didn’t, if that’s what you want, whatever you want.” 

You look down at your chest, nodding. “Okay.” 

Which isn’t a yes or no to his suggestion, but he doesn’t pull you up on it. “Okay. Are you going to the pharmacy?” 

“I– no. But I did hope to ask you something.” He nods, as if to say, Go on. “It’s about the sex clinic.” 

“What about it?” 

“I don’t really know what it is.” 

Remus looks around the street and then up and down your arms. The jumper you’re wearing is thin, your teeth aching to chatter, and he’s noticed it already. “Do you want to have this conversation over tea, lovely?” he asks. 

“Decaf?” 

“Yes, and biscuits, if you’re interested.” 

You follow Remus up the marginally steep hill that makes up Wilmand Street and enter the pharmacy behind him. It’s wooden front and newspaper clippings give way to the starker insides, where you find Sirius sitting at the front desk. Or rather, sitting on it, corded telephone held between his ear and his shoulder. “Oh, he’s just come in, but he has company. Yeah, he said.” Sirius presses the phone to his shoulder to give you both a small but earnest smile. “Hey, you’ve been snowed on. Turn the heating up before you catch your death.” 

“It’s been caught,” Remus says with a wave. “We’re going to sit in the kitchen. Tell Reg not to interrupt us.” 

Your mouth falls open, but Sirius only salutes his —friend? coworker? “James says he’s giving the phone a sloppy one for you.” 

“Lovely.” Remus laughs brightly, his hand slipping behind your shoulder. “Alright?” he asks. 

You give a nod and continue following him past the inside door to the kitchen you’d sat in before. Remus flicks the kettle on and sits down, forcing you to take his cue and sit opposite of him. 

“Much warmer in here,” he mumbles, stripping out of his coat. “Alright. What did you want to ask me about the sex clinic?” 

“Um… I don’t know. How do I go there?” 

“We’ll make an appointment. It’s not far from the leisure centre, so you can walk, or I can book you a taxi, give you a lift. We'll work something out.”

“And they… won’t mind that I– that I don’t really know what I’m doing?” 

You almost miss the dissatisfied noise he makes over the rising sound of the kettle. “They won’t mind.” 

“Do I have to tell them what happened?” 

“No. I mean, I assume it’s better if they have a clearer picture of the circumstances, but then again, you’re entitled to your privacy. You could just say you’re concerned about your intimate health.” 

“But they’ll ask questions.” 

“Yeah, they will. I know you don’t want to answer them, and that’s okay. You don’t have to answer them. Doctor’s, pharmacists, we just ask about stuff because we have to, but there’s no law that says you have to answer.” 

Now you’ve had time to think about things beyond the aching and the angry horror, a new fear has curdled. “What if he gave me something?” you say under your breath. 

“Then we can get you whatever medicine it is that you need and we can work toward you feeling better again.” His head tips as the kettle clicks. “Did you still want tea?” 

“Yes, please.” 

Remus makes you each a cup of decaf tea, bringing sugar and milk to the table for you to add yourself. 

“We can go now, if you want to.” 

“To the clinic?” you ask. 

Remus nods slowly. “Mm-hm. It’s an emergency.” 

“You’d come with me?” you ask, not breathless, but almost. 

“If you’re okay with it and you want me to, I’ll come with you. It might not be so scary. Or I can ask Lily to take you.” 

It’s not Remus’ fault that the person who assaulted you was a man like he is, but it does sound less intimidating to go with a girl. You’re not sure why. It’s not like he hasn’t been kind since the minute you asked him about confidentiality or that he deserves your distrust, but even sitting in this room with him now talking about the clinic has made you uncomfortable again. “Would she mind?” 

“Lily would love to take you. I know that sounds strange. She wouldn’t love that you need to go, but she wouldn’t want you to go alone if you’re worried about it.” 

“And she’ll go now?” 

Remus pushes your mug toward you. “You have some tea and I'll go and ask James if she’s around.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.” 

“You’re not,” he says. “There’s biscuits in the cupboard, lovely. If you want some, you can help yourself.” 

Things don’t pass that day in much detail after that. When Remus returns ten minutes later, you’ve finished your tea, and Lily is with him. She was on her way here already. She’d be happy to take you to the clinic. 

So you go, and you get checked out, and you submit to their tests and their invasive, well-intentioned questions. Lily takes you to a cafe afterward and buys you a pastry you can’t do more than poke. She takes you home. You feel guilty for not saying thank you in the car, but you can barely speak. A few days later you get a phone call with your results. You take a course of medications. You cry yourself to sleep three days in a row, because, as they’d tested for STDs, they tested for something else, and they’d told you what you‘d already known. 

You’re as pregnant as your home tests said you are. Despite everything, you feel an emotion you hate, and you push it down again. 

—

The door to your flat shakes with a sharp knock. 

You startle and stand, not sure what you’d been thinking, a hole burned into the floor at your feet. You’re in no state to answer the door, wet hair dripping a river down your back and your pajamas old. There’s nothing for it. 

You take the handle into your hand and squeeze. 

Dark-haired Regulus is standing in the hallway. You let the door close just an inch between you. 

“Regulus,” you say, unsure if surprise will help or hinder you. 

“Hello.” 

“How can I…” 

“Remus asked me to check in on you.” 

You’re not sure you like what he’s saying. “How do you know where I live?” 

“Remus didn’t ask me to come to your flat, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

“No, it’s not. I’m confused that you know where I live when I didn’t tell you.” 

He holds a deft hand up in surrender. “I live across the street, I’ve seen you come into the building, and your last name is on the postbox downstairs. I’m not doing anything illegal.” 

Just weird, then. 

“Remus asked me to keep an eye out for you,” he says, “but you haven’t been to the pharmacy, naturally.”

“So your solution was to come to my house?” 

“I don’t think there’s any need to get twitchy.” 

But there is. There is. He might not know what it is, and you might find thinking about it feels like a serrated blade end squeezed in your fist, but there is a need. You don’t want him to be here. It doesn’t matter that he’s small and skinny and has a sweet nose. This is your place to be by yourself, and to have nobody know where you are. This is the locked door. 

He has the sense to soften his bravado. “Sorry. I’ve made you uncomfortable.” 

You try to relax your shoulders. Your ribs ache with the tension. “Please,” you say gently, “tell Remus that I’m alright. Thank you for worrying about me.”

Regulus looks to the stairwell leading to the foyer. “He’s going to Community Support tonight if you want to tell him yourself. I am, too.” He doesn’t look at you again. “See you later,” he says to the stairs. 

 —

You go to Community Support despite yourself.

“Can you forgive me for not flirting with you?” 

You surprise the urge to flinch hard, turning to the voice with a half-smile. Sirius is standing beside you suddenly, your faces reflected in the plexiglass covered notice board just outside of the community hall. “What?” you ask. 

“I don’t mean to be offensive. I haven’t flirted because I thought Remus might have his eye on you, and I don’t want you to think it’s because you’re not beautiful.” 

You have to turn to see him to realise he’s teasing you now to be friendly. “I’d be offended if you did flirt with me,” you say. 

“Marvellous, then I won’t.”

“Remus doesn’t have his eye on me, though. He’s just been giving me pharmaceutical advice, I suppose.” 

“Oh, I see. I thought maybe you’d… Well, never mind. Forget I said anything.”

He’s handsome enough that you’d be shocked if he actually did flirt with you, clear-skinned as his brother, but with a warmer smile, almost mischievous, like he knows something you don’t know and he’ll tell you for the right price. His shoulders are slim, his biceps particularly solid as he crosses his arms over his chest. He notices you noticing and gives a flex, to your laughter. “Like what you see?” he asks. 

“Sorry.” 

“We’re on the rugby team, you know.”

“You and Remus?” 

“As if, Remus doesn’t like sports. He’s more of a walker. James and I are the sportsmen.” 

Sirius didn’t strike you as somebody who plays anything either, but it’s not polite to say. 

“Well, aren’t you coming inside?” he asks. “We could use a face like yours in there tonight. Beautiful girls are great for overall morale.” 

You shake your head. “Don’t think so.” 

“You came all the way here. You could at least come in for a bit of cake or something.” 

“Community support or community kitchen?” you mumble. 

“Everybody gets hungry. The best part of being in a community is making sure nobody goes hungry for long, right?” 

You give him a sideways look. Somehow, someway, you’ve become acquainted with a circle of philanthropists. Normal people aren’t so generous. You’re too tired to be this kind. 

“What kind do you have?” 

“Carrot, red velvet, Victoria sponge, and plain chocolate, I think. Maybe a bit of walnut sponge if Marlene hasn’t mauled the whole thing.” 

You’re not sure you can stomach it, just he’s looking at you so nicely that you want to go in with him. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” he asks. 

“Yeah.” 

Sirius slips a hand behind your back, letting it hover an inch from your skin as he shepherds you through the double doors and into the main hall. It’s far more crowded than it had been on your first visit, a small circle of people already in chairs talking a ways from the crowded food table, pilfered, more sandwiches in hands than hands to hold them, and enough brewed coffee to scent the air. James is immediately noticeable crouching at the table, having pulled a crate of juice boxes from beneath it, laughing about something someone is saying to him —something Remus is saying, the tallest man in the room and somehow completely non-imposing, his voice more colour than sound as he talks. 

It must just be because Remus is attentive. Must be the memory of his nice hand on your shoulder, squeezing, that makes you pay special attention to his shaking. “Is he laughing?” you ask. 

Sirius tunes in quickly. “Yeah. He’s done that since we were kids. He can laugh like normal, but when something really has him it’s like he can’t get the sound out.” He chuckles himself. “Idiots. Come on, let’s get you your slice of cake.” 

You can’t help staring at Remus as Sirius takes you over to him and James. James is so happy to see you he almost loses his glasses. 

“You’re back! I thought my shitty impersonation of a counsellor might’ve scared you off. Don’t want some soup, do you?” 

“Don’t say yes out of pity,” Sirius says. “Nobody ever wants James to make them soup.” 

“You like my soup.” 

“I like Effie’s soup. She makes the best bowl of lemon chicken I’ve ever tasted, and you make a mediocre imitation of her recipe, which is as good as it gets while I’m away.” 

“Effie’s my mother,” James explains, clambering to his feet with the crate of small bottles of juice held to his chest. “Euphemia. And she does make the best lemon chicken soup, but mines just fine! And anyways, tonight I made winter vegetable because all the Christmas veg was 8p and I have a fuckton. It’s delicious. I cut the swede up so thin it melts in your mouth, I got fresh thyme from the garden, little bit of spinach, all of it cooked in a metric ton of butter.” 

Remus snorts softly. He meets your eyes, which has you smiling on automatic. “James is a bit of a soup addict.” 

”I–” You feel hungry for the first time in weeks. “I’d quite like to, uh, try some. If you really don’t mind.” 

James glows, shoving the case of juice onto the refreshment table next to the hot water towers. “Yes. How about toasties, lovely, d’you want a cheese toastie with it? You’ll love it.” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Anyone else while I’m warming it?” 

Remus meets your eyes again, like you’re sharing a secret. “I’ll have a bowl, Jamie.” 

“Yes.” 

“Alright,” Sirius acquiesces, “and me. And Reg will, too, wherever he’s gone off too. But he won’t have cheese–”

“Just toast, I know.” 

James gets a look on him like he’s found the secrets of the universe. “I’ll make a garlic butter cheese toastie for all of you. Mm?” 

Sirius waves him away. 

Sirius grabs you a slice of cake even as you mumble about the soup and how it’s dessert before dinner. Doesn’t matter, he murmurs back, not worried about why you’ve gone shy, I promised you a slice.

You take an apple juice and follow him to a table. Remus comes with you. He looks sunnier today than the last time you saw him despite ever-cloudy weather. Maybe he’s just a bit golden. Steady, he sits at the table across from you with Sirius taking a seat perpendicular, the three of you three sides to a square, nothing to look at besides your hand squeezed around the handle of a plastic fork. 

“I’m sorry about Regulus,” Remus says. “I didn’t mean for him to visit you at home. He told me you weren’t thrilled about it, and I can’t blame you.” 

“I’m sorry too,” Sirius says, wrinkling his nose. “I have no clue why he did that.” 

“And Regulus would be sorry, he just has a hard time realising when he’s overstepped.”

You nod at the table. “It’s okay. I mean, it did make me uncomfortable, and I– wasn’t super polite to him. I just wasn’t expecting him to be at the door, that’s all. And he said sorry, actually. So it’s forgiven.” 

“Oh.” Sirius perches his hand in his head. “That’s unlike him. He doesn’t tend to be sorry.” 

“Neither do you,” Remus says. 

“It’s a family trait.” 

“Can I save this for after soup?” you ask, shuffling your plate to the side. It’ll be easier to eat your cake when everyone else is eating as well. 

“Course you can,” Sirius says, leaning back in his seat. “But if you don’t eat it, I’ll assume you don’t like me. I’m sensitive like that.” 

Remus rolls his eyes, again gifting you with a great feeling, as though you’re in on a secret with him. He’s wearing an aviator jacket that looks incredibly soft, worn but not tattered, sherpa insides flattened but clean. The sleeves warp as he crosses his arms in front of him on the table and leans forward, conspirator. 

“So, how was your morning? Besides Regulus’ unwelcome intrusion,” he says, almost drawling as Sirius does when he gets that playful look in his eye. 

You’re not sure how to handle these boys. But you want to try. You’re sick of having nobody, of being nobody, even if it’s a little discomfiting sometimes to be with them. “My morning was fine. Tries to get through all my washing but it’s a mountain, so I left it and had a long shower instead.”

“How long is long?” Remus asks. 

“Too long.” 

“Like Remus’, then. I’m a one and done man, wash and go.” Sirius peels forward, “And Remus takes hours. Uses all the hot water.” 

“You live together?” you ask. 

“We did for a bit, didn’t we?” Sirius says. 

“Six very long years,” Remus says. “But I have a flat, and Sirius lives on Wilmand Street now, thank god.” 

“Thank god indeed,” Sirius says, “now I can actually wash my hair on a semi-regular basis.” 

“Can you?” Remus asks. 

“What are you implying?” 

“Only that your hair seems distinctly unwashed lately, don’t worry.” 

“He’s showing off ‘cos you’re here,” Sirius says, smiling despite the accusation as he takes a hand through his hair and pushes it back from his face. “I wash plenty.” 

“Do you? I was almost hoping you’d stopped. Maybe that would explain the weird thing you have going on right here.” Remus scratches his upper lip. 

“Fuck off, you just don’t like a scratchy kiss–”

Remus laughs suddenly. After a moment, it tapers into silence, though his shoulders still shake, and you can hear his laughter in his voice when he says, “That charming thatch of stubble would be the last of my worries if I wanted to kiss you, Sirius.” 

“What’s top of the list then?” 

“The smell, obviously. I’m getting top notes of wet dog and a headier dampness–”

“You sick bastard,” Sirius says, sounding absolutely delighted at his friend's insult. 

“You just need a good wash, is all.” 

You don’t mean to, but you laugh. Giggle, really, entertained by them and shocked a little by the way they snip and snap at each other. You pitch forward, face angled down, eyes tempted to shut completely. Sick bastard, you think, laughing still. 

It only makes you laugh more when Sirius nudges you. “Hey, thought we were getting somewhere,” he murmurs. 

You giggle some more. “Sorry,” you squeeze out eventually. 

“Don’t be. He can take a hit. Even if he’s sensitive,” Remus says.

Sirius sniffs. “I’m not that sensitive. Can’t make a joke anymore without being entirely misrepresented.” 

— 

James’ soup becomes a staple for you over the next couple of days. Community Support is a daily occurrence, though some nights are more popular than others. The weekends are busiest, Friday and Saturday night, but Wednesdays have an uptick you aren’t expecting, sitting at one of the plastic tables with another cup or winter veg soup and a garlic buttered toastie. You blow on melty cheese as James brings the hot plate out to the refreshment table, making it easier to serve the many who want it. He’s gleeful, promising that they’re gonna love it, and then tacking on an amendment that anyone who doesn’t like it is more than welcome to something else from the kitchen. 

With payday for most at midnight Friday, or some time after, it’s the hump of the week that hits hardest. You don’t come for the soup, but some people do, and they can’t be blamed for it; stretching money out isn’t easy. 

Your stomach clenches. Your spoon wobbles in your hand. 

From across the room, Remus sends you a warm smile, a kid in his arms and another at his thigh, chattering away as their mam takes a well-deserved breather by the terracotta sofas. 

The next day is the same. James makes soup and ham sandwiches, ham off the bone, made it himself, and you pick at the crusts at a plastic table. Sirius keeps you company for a bit, and then Remus rags on him until he leaves. They’re both too smiley to believe any animosity. 

On Friday, James isn’t there. 

“Harry’s poorly.” 

“I thought he might’ve had a day off.” 

“He and Lily like the group too much for days off.” Remus scratches a hand through his hair. It’s the most boyish thing he’s ever done in front of you. “Are you liking it here? You haven’t missed a day all week.” 

“James makes a good soup.” 

“He left plenty, if you want it.” 

You’re not sure you can stomach it. You give a small shake of your head. “Will Harry be okay?” 

“Fine. He gets ear infections, James used to get them too, even when we were teenagers. He’s on antibiotics already, it’s just the crying that’s the worst. Makes him sick.” Remus smiles sympathetically. “Makes James sick, too. But they’ll be okay.” 

“That’s good. It’s too quiet here when James isn’t around.” 

The hall is practically silent. There are a few people milling around on the sofas and another handful drinking tea by the refreshment table. Mary is patting a crying woman with pink hair on the back. A two year old sits at her feet, staring up at her sullenly. 

“I could go turn on the radio.” 

You perch your chin in your palm, elbow on the table. Tired today. “That’s okay. It’s nice.” Quiet, but not lonely. 

“You feeling okay?” he asks. 

“Yeah.” You fight the urge to let your eyes shutter closed. “I’m okay. You okay?” 

“I’m great. I’m really glad you’ve been coming. I know you don’t stay for group therapy, and you don’t have to, but… I don’t know, I think it’s just good to be around people.” 

You feel like he meant to say a particular but dodged it at the last second. He hesitated. 

He said he wouldn’t bring it up if you didn’t want him to, but maybe you do, just so you know it was real, and bad. It was awful, wasn’t it? 

“I don’t like being alone,” you confess, scratching the back of your neck. “For a while…” You scratch scratch scratch, sounds of your nails over skin, then let your hand drop with a thump against your thigh. “I wanted to be alone. But now when I’m home by myself I feel awful.” 

“It’s normal to want company.” 

“Even after what happened?” 

“Especially after what happened. I think the stereotype is that people… experience something bad, and that they retreat into themselves, and that’s based on a real process of emotions,” —he talks quietly but surely, without a lick of condescension— “and a real sort of phenomena. Everybody needs time to lick their wounds, to put it heavily. But it makes sense that you’d seek out company when you’ve just had a really, really horrible thing happen.” 

You did retreat into yourself at first. Wasting days away in bed without an appetite, crying yourself sick and to sleep, hating yourself and the world and him, because it hurt so badly. But then you didn’t get your period when you were expecting it and it was like holding the times of a fork to a plug socket, a nasty shock flaring through your entire body from the tips of your fingers. And now you have decisions to make and a life to live after, it’s happening now, quickly. You aren’t feeling any better than you were that morning when you first woke up and realised you’d been attacked without fully knowing, but time is moving forward regardless. You don’t know why you crave other people, but you do. You like seeing Remus every night, even if he only talks to you once or twice. You like eating James’ home cooked food, like watching Sirius and Regulus bicker as they lean against one another, and you like seeing Lily press her nose to her baby’s. You wonder what that feels like. How soft is a small nose? What does it feel like to hold the person you made out of love and a little bit of every part of you in two hands? 

You’re still so lonely it’s palpable. There are moments throughout the day where you can’t face it head on, but the support group is genuinely helping, if it’s just to spend an hour outside of your head. 

Lonely, and with nobody to confide in. 

Remus watches you think for a while. He’s waiting patiently for you to speak again. 

“Can I tell you something stupid?” you ask softly. 

“Sure.” 

“Don’t laugh at me.” 

“I doubt I could.” 

You let out a deep sigh. He’s all browns tonight in his old jacket. Brown hair, brown eyes, brown jacket. “I was thinking about keeping the baby. I don’t know if you’d consider it a baby right now,” you murmur, staring at the corner of his mouth, “but I think I want it to be one. And I can’t stop thinking that it’s a bad idea.” 

“It’s your decision,” Remus says. When you sigh, he looks chastened, and you hadn’t wanted it to be a chastening. He clears his throat. “You already know that, don’t you?” Not expecting an answer, he leans back in his chair and levels you with a smile more friendly than you deserve. “Keep your baby if you want to, lovely. The point of– Well, of having the choice, is being allowed to choose yes, to choose to keep your baby, even if it’s a bad idea. Or looks like one.”

“I know, but…” 

But it’s a bad idea. But it happened because somebody hurt you. But you’re completely alone.

“I’m not upsetting you, am I?” he asks. 

“No, you’re not. You’ve been really nice to me,” you mumble, letting your aching eyes close as you lean into your hand. “It’s not you.” 

Remus settles for a few seconds. “Can I put my arm around you?” he asks finally. 

“Okay.” 

So he does. His voice drops to match your own, his elbow right between your ribs as his thumb skirts across the top of your shoulder, “I’m sorry I can’t fix it for you, I wish I could tell you what to do that’s going to make you the happiest. I can’t, though.”

“I know.” 

He rubs your shoulder. “I know you know.” 

There’s a lot to think about. You aren’t pregnant by a miracle. Something bad happened to you, and the choice is yours now to take, and no one would blame you for wanting to forget the whole thing. At least, nobody here at the support group would. It’s not like you haven’t thought about it; lately, it’s the only thing on your mind. But the guilt of wanting it won’t go away. 

“Sorry you have to do this again,” you mumble. 

“What, give you a hug?” Remus’ voice turns softer. It feels less like the kind words of a stranger and more like a friend. “I don’t mind it.” 

You try to stop feeling guilty. The most you can be right now is looked after, at least for a while, for as long as Remus will hold your shoulders. 

“It’s not your fault,” Remus says. “You know that, too, I’m guessing. What happened to you wasn’t your fault.” 

You’re not so sure. It’s a different guilt to look at in whatever light finds you when it happens. “I know,” you say, half a lie. 

“And I know you have no reason to trust us with something so huge, but we’re here for you. That’s the whole point of the group.” 

You sigh heavily. “I know,” you say under your breath. You’re just not sure it’s going to be enough.

𖦹

hi thanks for reading the first part! this is a heavy one but it’s also a fic I’ve wanted to write for a long time, or rewrite <\3 some of you may have read my first go at this years ago and I’m hoping to tie in some of the old stuff but it’s also its own story hopefully, it’s shaping up well! 

https://rapecrisis.org.uk rape crisis UK — they have a support line! and many many articles

information about rape crisis https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/faqs/

[gothicfied]

can you write for thanos x reader where the reader is really stoic and calm, not mean, but just does not express much emotion and it drive thanos crazy trying to impress her and get a reaction? Thanks :)

Hard to get - Thanos / Player 230

Pairing: Thanos / Player 230 x calm!reader

Summary: Thanos will do anything to get a reaction out of you, even if that means he has to put himself in danger.

Warnings: Mentions of death/dying, blood, gunshots, killing (typical squid game stuff), other than that it's just fluff (kinda lol), not proof read (english isn't my first language)

Word count: 971 Words

A/N: hii, I hope this is alright and what you had imagined!

When you woke up in a random bed, in a new environment with random people, you almost started to have a panic attack. Usually, you don't really show your emotions, you just keep them locked inside you and let a war rage in your mind while appearing to be calm about a situation you can't be calm about. After the initial shock wore off, you made your way to the middle of this area filled with beds, where other contestants or players with different numbers started complaining to the guards, that wore pretty ridiculous outfits you thought, about where their belongings went and other stuff.

After getting to know the rules of this.. 'game' you guys were playing for money, as everyone including you was here because of huge debt or money problems, you were led to the first mini game. Everyone went up the stairs while upbeat music was playing in the background, the fun colors of this environment stinging in your eyes. Suddenly, you hear someone whistle behind you: "Señorita!" The voice of a man seemingly called out to you. Without stopping, you turned your head around to face a purple-haired guy with a shit eating grin on his face. "Wow, what is a pretty thing like you doing here?" Without giving him a reaction, you just shrugged and went on, feeling your legs grow tired of climbing these stairs.

"What? You don't know?" Player 230, the numbed on his chest, seemed relentless. "Well, yeah, I obviously know. You do too, we're all in here because of one reason." you answered him, matter-of-factly, not giving him the time to speak to his face. "Have I already told you how pretty you are?" This guy's flirting techniques weren't really that great. He continued to shower you with compliments, to which you mostly didn't reply or at most said "Thank you."

When arriving at the top, every player had to take a picture in front of some screens. Conventionally, Thanos, as you gathered his alias was from others who seemed to know him, was waiting in the queue next to you, now talking with.. his fans? You didn't quite get it, but apparently he was some sort of rapper you had never heard of. A few players wanted to take a group photo with him and when he said yes, he looked at you, still waiting in line for your turn. "Hey, you there. Come on, you can be in the picture, too." Thanos said, signaling you to come over to him. Raising your eyebrows slightly, you just waved it off, with it now being your turn to take a picture.

Entering the open-roof arena of sorts, with the femald voice explaining the rules of Red-Light-Green-Light to the players, you found yourself next to Thanos, again. "So, you don't know who I am?" You just said 'no' and looked at him expectantly, like you wanted him to explain who he was. It seemed to annoy him. The man went on about how he was a rapper, even demonstrating that to you with some cheesy rap he came up on the spot, until he was interrupted by some guy, yelling that everyone who'd move during red light would die. How drastic.

"What is he talking about?" Thanos whispered, but you didn't show a reaction and rather listened to what Player 456 had to say. It started to really get on Thanos' nerves that he couldn't even coax one reaction or emotion out of you. No matter gow charming he was or how many questions he asked, you remained aloof. He kind of liked it.

"Must be on drugs, huh?" Another attempt of him to talk to you, to which you shushed him. The man in up front was talking about how you'd get shot if you moved, that being disqualified just meant they'd execute you. You didn't want to believe him, like, this sounds too crazy to be real, right? Yet still, you were determined to follow his directions. Everyone lined up on the white line, the mechanic girl doll thing staring you down. It was big and scary, also mysterious in some way. How would they shoot eliminated players? Would she shoot lasers out of her eyes like in some kind of film?

You found out pretty quickly that it was just guards who did it, as one girl panicked when a bee landed on her and that set off a chain reaction with others trying to run for their lives, just to get it taken away from them. You were floored. Splatters if blood landed on your face from one woman being shot right in front of you, Thanos not far away experiencing the same. Player 456 was screaming everyone to either run or freeze, depending on if it was red light or green light, guiding the remaining players through the game quickly.

Thanos and you had been locking eyes everytime you were supposed to freeze, him sending you a small wink everytime he saw your disturbed face. Unbeknownst to you, to everyone, he had taken some kind of pill out from his cross necklace, some kind of drug, and was now bouncing all over the place, like this wasn't serious. He reveled in the fact that he was able to get a reaction out of you now: you were mortified everytime he did something even remotely dangerous. Aww, you cared for him!

Going as far as pushing other players over, getting them killed, you concluded that this guy was mental.

The last few seconds of the given time were scary. You had made it over the finish line, saving yourself from a gruesome death, just like Thanos.

"Glad to see you on this side, Señorita. Would've been too bad if I couldn't have seen your pretty face ever again."

[strwbrychffoncke]

"seems so unfair ,i want to cry,, 2.7k words synopsis: after you learn the truth about the explosion at your childhood home ,you seek out a certain crow with something important to say contains: angst -> fluffy ending! lnds sylus x mc!reader (fem-coded reader) ,established relationship ,based after caleb's return ,written before caleb is added to the game (so mind any inaccuracies when he is..) & mc talks w him ,brief mention of zayne ,mc has a breakdown ,v soft!sylus ,sylus comforts you ,he bathes you (all fluffy) ,carries you ,slight evol use but its to lift u up for 2s ,references to the main story (namely the explosion + when u meet sylus) ,slight reference to sylus lore but no spoils ,apologies ,lots of kisses ,cuddles ,i think thats it?? note: (proofread, not edited!) this is braindump based off of a tweet i saw today let me live :x

-

this was bad.

this was terrible.

no, this was beyond that.

this was awful.

your mind was spinning ever since caleb's return- the man from your childhood who you'd been sure you'd watched die before your eyes- his interrogation, and learning everything that you could in the long time you'd spent together in that room.

your mind was swimming with information overload: of the EVER group, the fact that caleb was alive, the emergence of colonel caleb no less...

but most of all, you think back to the explosion.

and the man you initially thought who had caused it.

your heart was heavy in your chest, overwhelmed with guilt that felt like it was physically weighing you down, prompting you to lay a hand over your beating heart and take in slow, deep breaths.

in spite of everything- of the information you'd learned from caleb swirling, questioning everything you knew and giving you a headache- your mind was clear enough to do one thing:

you had to see him.

you couldn't stop thinking about him, speeding on your motorcycle through the N109 zone back to the familiar base, thinking back to when you'd first met: your immediate resentment towards him, your sudden distrust, your desire to get any and all answers from him at any cost-

and namely, how you had accused him of the explosion from that day.

you vaguely remember at the researcher's shop the look of hurt that flashed in his eyes when the man had suggested you were afraid or disgusted by him on a subconscious level.

back then, you didn't know what to believe, and even long after he'd said it, the words of his lingered in your head.

"you really are a naive linkon citizen."

you think back to his warning of being wary of the ones closest to you after today's meeting, and even back when zayne had given you the enclosed research papers of your grandma's after she had passed.

there really was too much that you didn't know and too much information to properly process in your mind right now, but you pushed that aside for the moment thinking back to the leader of onychinus.

the boss that you had, somehow, grown much closer to and much more fond of than you could've ever thought possible.

your engine revs as you speed up, sun dipping just below the horizon as your determination leads you to the place you've subconsciously recognized as a second home, a singular thought circulating your head.

i have to see him.

-

when you finally arrive, you practically leap off of your bike, barely putting it in park and snatching the keys from the ignition before racing through the doors with the memorized numbers of the familiar keypads, heart racing in anticipation, head whirling from the ride-

but you couldn't stop now, not before seeing him.

as you race through the empty halls, peeking into every open door in case he may be lingering in one while you head straight towards his room, you run into something firm.

"ah!"

while the collision makes you stumble, the firm object- or rather, person- doesn't even flinch, hands automatically steadying your body as he looks down at you, a mix of mirth and slight surprise in his expression.

"oh? is a little kitten in a rush today?"

you gaze up at the man who'd occupied your every thought, panting breaths escaping you before you get lost in his eyes, mind emptying itself at the sight of him: of the man you've grown close to, the one you've sworn yourself to protect and watched him do the same for you.

you're overcome with a sense of warmth and longing, though the one you yearn for is right before you.

he's staring right back into your eyes, noticing their distraught appearance, taking in your slightly disheveled hair, the way you're catching your breath, and most worrying:

the way he sees your eyes begin to water.

"hey..."

his voice is that deep, gentle tremble he reserves just for you, dropping the teasing completely, noticing that something is really very wrong here.

"what happened? tell me."

he's begun softly massaging your shoulders, but only does so for a mere few seconds before you're clutching onto the fabric of his shirt tight.

your hands are scrunching the fabric so hard its causing wrinkles, but he couldn't care less when the tears break free and your face falls into his chest, your body shaking.

even if you wanted to tell him everything, you can't handle it right now, the information not even close to being processed by your own jumbled brain, and you're so overwhelmed that you can't help but to break down in front of the one you've come to trust the most.

the tears won't stop flowing, quickly staining his shirt as he holds you, and when he hears the first sob break from your lips, he swears his heart completely shatters at the sound.

sylus begins rubbing your back, reserving the questions for now, seeing that you're in no state to talk

even if his own mind was racing and heart pounding at the thought of someone or something hurting or threatening you- his initial response, seeing as it's rare to see you break down to such a degree in front of him.

after a couple of minutes of sobs wracking your quivering body, sylus feels you being speaking, a repeated mantra escaping in broken gasps from you, and his concern increases tenfold.

"i'm sorry... i'm sorry.... im so sorry... sylus, i'm-!"

you're mumbling apologies into his shirt between your loud hiccups and pathetic sobs, over and over and over again, unable to get any other words out than the ones you mean the most from the deepest depths of your stricken heart.

and even though he's overcome with worry, hands trembling ever so slightly wanting so badly to take your tears away, he doesn't ask now, he doesn't need to.

instead, he holds you, rubbing your back, softly shushing you and trying to soothe your cries.

"it's okay... let it out. i'm here."

at his reassurances, your apologies slowly die out, drowned out by your continuous sobs.

-

once you finally manage to calm down, sylus fetches you a glass of water, urging you to drink before he wordlessly carries you to his bathroom, starting up a bath for you. he takes heed to add a few drops of essential oil to help soothe you further (anything to make you fele more at ease in this state) as he adjusts the temperature of the water to be just right before slowly shedding you of your clothes.

he speaks here and there the entire time, small questions between every action as he rids you of each layer of clothing to make sure its okay with you, mixed with his reassurances that he's here with you before gently laying you inside of the tub and settling behind you to begin washing your hair.

his hands do wonders for your head, headache gradually subsiding as you close your eyes against his ministrations, sniffling nose taking in the calming aroma of the oils as you lean back against him to relax further.

when he's rinsed the soapy residue from your head, he massages a hair mask into your scalp before rinsing his hands and moving to massage your neck, your shoulders, and down your body, gradually cleaning and scrubbing away as he goes.

you feel yourself dozing off just as he's finishing, his fond chuckle filling your ears as he holds your heavy head steady with one hand, moving to drain the tub with the other.

"not yet, we still have to dry you off," he murmurs into your ear, warm breath pulling a slight shiver from you. he lifts your damp body once again, wrapping you in a fluffy towel and sitting you down on the counter.

you allow yourself to be towel dried by him, melting at the sound of his gentle yet off-key humming as he works, gently brushing away the spare droplets before he reaches for your lotion, squeezing some into his hands, warming it between his palms and again massaging it into your tired body.

you take a deep breath, all too aware of the love and care this man- known to be feared and intimidating to many- has for you as he wordlessly pampers you, knowing nothing but that you needed to relax a little, refraining from asking you about anything before he was sure you were ready to tell him yourself.

"arms up."

you blink back to the present, not realizing he'd finished moisturizing your body. you obey without question as he slips your nightgown over you, pulling up your damp strands of hair that get caught under it and grabbing another towel to dry it for you, closing your eyes again as he does so.

always so gentle when it came to your hair.

once he's satisfied, he helps you slip on a fresh pair of panties (you almost don't realize he's used his evol to lift you up for just a moment to slip them over your seated thighs before you're softly placed down once again, opening your eyes to see his soft expression looking back at you).

as he gives you a once over, you can't help but to wrap your arms around his neck and pull him closer to you. his hands come up to hold your wrists, but make no move to remove them.

"what's wrong?" he finally asks, worried eyes looking into your now slightly-calmed yet equally tired ones.

you blink once, pulling him towards you as you lean forward, soft lips meeting his warm ones in a longing kiss.

he returns the gesture with equal fervor, eyes closing as he revels in the flavor that is you, lips moving slowly and rhythmically against yours, allowing you full control of how this goes. after a few long moments, you pull back to look at him.

the faintest grin appears on the corner of his lips, still wrought with worry but just slightly reassured at your gesture.

"bedroom?" he murmurs.

you nod, and he picks you up, your legs wrapping around his waist and chin hooked on his shoulder as he shuts off the light, carrying you out towards the bed and gently resting your body on the soft mattress.

he moves to stand straight but your arms are still locked around his neck, eyes staring up into his. he lets out a soft scoff, gripping your arms once more in his hands, but again making no move to remove them from their place, staring back at you with a grin.

"how can i get the lights like this?"

at the sound of your soft laugh ringing through his ears, he feels his heart beat again.

"just leave them," you whisper, and the little smile has him obeying in a heartbeat.

you were truly is one biggest weakness.

"well, it's hard to lay down when you've trapped me like this, sweetie."

"no, its not," you rebuke, teasing glint in your eyes as you continue smiling up at him.

a happy smirk plasters itself on his face.

"wanna bet?"

before you can answer, a surprised sound escapes you as you're lifted with his evol, unlatching your hands and allowing him to take his spot sitting up at the headboard as your laugh rings out through the room.

"sylus!"

he chuckles, pulling you towards him and draping you in his lap, arms quickly winding around your waist, pleased hum escaping you as you lean your head against his chest.

the two of you stay like that, cuddled up together when the weight of the day slowly comes back to you, your mind once again beginning to reel, thinking back to what you needed to say to him when his soft timber breaks the cozy and comfortable silence.

"are you feeling alright now?"

you look up at his face, shaky breath escaping you.

"i... learned a lot of information today."

he hums in acknowledgement, hand coming up to caress your slightly-damp hair.

"about.. a lot. my family, EVER, and the explosion..."

your voice trails off as you lift your head from his chest, sitting up to face him completely before your soft hands reach up to cup his face.

"and it made me think- about back then, when we first met. i was so angry and desperate for answers, and-"

you take a deep breath again, feeling your voice begin to waver and eyes filling with regretful tears, but he holds your gaze and doesn't interrupt, taking in your every word.

"and- i'm sorry, sylus."

his eyes slightly widen at your apology, but he let's you continue.

"at the time, i blamed you, accused you, when in the end, you truly had nothing to do with it..."

"sweetie..."

his soft, glazed crimson eyes gaze back into yours as the picture begins to paint itself.

sure, you were right, it wasn't him, but he couldn't blame you for your assumption back then, not really...

even if it did kill him to consider you thought so negatively of him then.

still, he listens.

"you were right: i was just a naive linkon citizen, and your warning before- about 'the closest ones to you,' i just-"

his hand moves to caress your back once again, the other brushing stray hair over your shoulders.

"i'm so sorry," you sniffle, tear-filled eyes gazing into his own warm yet sad ones.

"even if you did kidnap me, and mess with me," you smile at the soft chuckle that rumbles through his chest. "you were always on my side, even when i wasn't on yours. you've looked out for me, taken care of me, spent time with me, loved me-"

the tears flow freely now, thumbs caressing his cheeks.

"i could never despise you, be afraid of you, or ever be disgusted by you, not in a million years."

his breath hitches slightly at that.

even though you both were well past that time, even though you both had grown impossibly closer- inseparable, even- since you'd met, his heart thrashed wildly at your bold declaration of reassurance.

"i'm sorry that i hurt you back then without knowing anything," you whispered.

momentarily at a loss, mind slowly processing your words, he doesn't get a chance to respond as you gently pull his face towards yours, planting another soft, loving kiss on his lips.

you pull back from him, smiling at the way he momentarily chases your lips as your hold on his face never breaks. your legs shift under you to sit on your knees, leaning into him before you plant a kiss on the corners of his lips, his chin, his nose, and slowly covering every crevice of his visage with your love.

his hands are holding your wrists firmly now, eyes fluttering shut and feeling your presence, feeling your kisses, feeling your love, your tear-stricken face no longer causing a full sense of anxiety but rather causing his thoughts to fear his heart might be seizing to function.

but if he were to die right here, right now, just like this, he supposes he couldn't complain.

truly, he had no fear of that moment anymore, but having this reassurance from you and seeing you so distraught by something that seemed to have occurred so long ago- he allows you to reassure him, and revels within it, each kiss a welcome warmth as he pulls you closer towards his body.

you pull back slightly to look into his love-filled gaze once again.

"i love you, sylus," you whisper into the night.

"and i love you," he responds, taking charge to kiss you first this time, heart feeling as full as it had when he'd first met you all that time ago.

and you stay in each other's embrace, soft whispers seeping into the night, something having shifted beneath this moonlit night, reveling in each other's comfort.

everything you had learned, everything that had happened, everything else that may or may not: you pushed it aside for now. you could always let him know later on, and you fully planned to.

but for now, you were satisfied to hold each other just like this, longtime bonds feeling mended, your normal chatter and whispered confessions filling the hours late into the night under the guise of the moon.

-

a/n: based off one single tweet that i saw today.. (couldn't find the og but it was basically saying they need to hear mc apologize to sylus for accusing him of causing the explosion once we learn more ab the actual cause) didn't realize i'd make a whole short fic of it at nearly four in the morning when i have to be up in four hrs yet here we are :x

[cirambay-stories]

A Lesson

raider!Joel Miller x f!reader

Joel just wants you to listen to him for your sake, keep yourself out of trouble while he’s away for the day. But of course you have to slip up, putting yourself in danger. Now he’s going to teach you a lesson.

Tags: 18+, pre-boston qz, established relationship but questionable dynamics, d/s undertones, dubious consent (!!!), punishment, degradation, face slapping, pussy slapping, fingering, orgasm denial

Word count: 3.5k

a/n: This piece contains descriptions of murders and dead bodies (brief), and physical abuse, mainly slapping. Joel also says cruel things in this, not directly calling you names, but there are derogatory lines. Please take care of yourself :)

You’re fucked.

Your life flashes before your eyes. The sins you’ve committed, the chances you didn’t take, all pounding at the door of your consciousness. You can feel death closing in, its cold embrace beckoning. If you had one chance to go back in time, you would give anything to go back to exactly thirty six minutes ago. Not an hour ago, not before the outbreak, just thirty six minutes prior to this second. When you still had the choice to be a good person, or a surviving one.

Joel’s been gone since the crack of dawn. He’s meeting up with some raiders—a trade, a few miles north—and scouting out a safer route for the two of you to head north. You can’t afford to stay in one place for long, not with the way things are going down here. The farmlands used to offer more, but they’re nothing now. You have to keep moving.

Joel would’ve taken you with him, but it’s not about easing his own mind. It’s about keeping you out of harm’s way. He doesn’t trust the people he’s meeting—not enough to risk you. Not with the way things are. You never know who’s looking for a fight, or what kind of deal they’re pushing. There’s no room for mistakes, not in this world. Not when every day is a damn gamble.

Before leaving, Joel orders you to stay low, keep your presence unknown inside the farmhouse you have been staying at for a week, and kill anyone who dares to approach the doorstep. You say yes, of course.

But, as usual, you always have to blow everything up.

It isn’t long before you see her. A girl, maybe nine or ten, walking toward the farmhouse. She looks exhausted, her steps sluggish. She doesn’t look like she’s infected, at least not yet. Her clothes are torn, and there are smudges of dirt on her face. You hesitate, instinctually reaching for your knife and the gun Joel had left you.

But as the girl comes closer to the porch, you get a good look at her eyes. There is something fragile about her. Maybe it’s the way she winces at the sun or the way her shoulders slump, as if the weight of the world is crushing her. The girl reminds you of yourself. Lost, vulnerable, a survivor in a world that doesn’t give a damn. You can’t help but feel the urge to help. To give her a chance.

You let her in. And that is your first mistake.

She appears to be mute, silent in the face of your questions. As you check her over for bite marks or concealed weapons, she does nothing but stare at you with wide, exhausted eyes, as if she might faint at any moment. You grab one of your clean shirts, handing it to her with a silent offer of warmth, trying to figure out how to communicate. You aren’t sure if she’s deaf too, but you ask anyway, in every way you can think of. Gestures, simple words. But she remains silent. Only stares.

You give her a few crackers, still pushing for answers. Who is she? What is she doing here? The questions hang in the air, unanswered as the seconds tick by, and the next thing you know, the door slams open.

A man and woman are upon you in an instant, knives drawn. Their words are sharp and demanding: supply, weapons, food. You barely have a moment to react before the girl shifts, hiding behind the woman, and she runs her fingers through the kid’s tangled hair. It dawns on you. The girl is only a bait.

So, you’re fucked.

Your instincts kick in first. As the man lunges for you, you grab the gun, hammer already cocked, your heart pounding as you aim. The gunshot rings out, the sound deafening in the tight space. It hits his shoulder, blood spurting in a quick spray as his scream fills the air.

Before you can get another shot off on the woman, her fist collides with your temple, sending you reeling. The world tilts, your vision blurs, and for a moment, you thought the darkness might swallow you whole. You’re a goner.

But then there is a crack, a gunshot that isn’t yours.

The woman drops to the ground, her body slumping lifelessly as Joel emerges from the shadows, his presence cutting through the chaos like a knife. His gun is steady in his hands, his eyes cold as he surveys the scene. The man, still clutching his shoulder, barely has time to react before another shot rings out, and he crumples.

The girl tries to run—tired, slow, desperate—but Joel is quicker. Another shot, and she falls on the porch, lifeless before she even has a chance to flee.

Joel’s eyes locked onto yours as he steps forward, his movements sharp, calculated. No words were needed between you. He has seen enough. There was nothing left to say.

.

The next hour is spent lining the bodies inside, checking their pockets and if they still have some friends around the farm waiting to strike. You find a bag with not much in it in the back of the house, some jerky and a half-empty bottle of water. They were desperate. 

You ask Joel if you should dig a grave for them, even a shallow one, at least for the little girl’s body, but he doesn’t answer. The farmhouse feels suffocating, the air thick with the metallic scent of blood that hasn’t yet had a chance to fade. The bodies lie there, still and turning cold, while the bloodstains seep into the floorboards. The room, once perhaps a place of quiet refuge for you and Joel, even for a brief period, now reeks of death. Every corner holds the memory of what happened. What you allowed to happen.

“We’ll stay in the barn tonight,” Joel mutters, his voice low, as he gathers your things. His hands move methodically, purposefully. His eyes don’t meet yours. “And we head north first thing in the mornin’.”

You follow him wordlessly, the weight of the day pressing down on your chest. As the barn door creaks shut behind you, the cold air rushes in, but it doesn’t seem to touch the heaviness in your chest. You don’t let Joel see the tears pooling in your eyes, but you can’t help the tightness in your throat as you turn away from the farmhouse.

The barn is cold and messy, layers of dust covering everything inside, but it’s a roof over your head and walls closed around you, and that’s enough. Joel rustles through the hay, forming a thin, uncomfortable bed. You’re about to lay down when his voice cuts through the silence.

“Who allows you to lie down?”

You freeze, a sharp chill sweeping through your body as his gaze locks onto yours. He steps forward, the space between you vanishing until his towering frame looms over your trembling form, casting a shadow you can’t escape.

“What did I tell you about stayin’ low?” His voice is sharp and low, an edge of fury curling beneath each word. “What did I say?”

The shove comes without warning, light but firm enough to send you sprawling to the floor, your body colliding with the ground before your mind can catch up. Before you even have a chance to process it, he grabs you by the collar, hauling you up like a ragdoll, his grip like iron.

“You think this is a game? That I’m just here to clean up after your mess every damn time?”

Then his palm connects with your cheek, a slap so hard it rings in your ears, leaving a sting that lingers, deep and raw.

He’s never slapped you before. In fact, he’s never laid a hand on you with the intention to hurt—until now. The sting of his palm shocks through you, and you can feel your breath catch in your chest, panic creeping up your throat. You start to hyperventilate, the air too thin, too tight, but before you can steady yourself, his hand crashes against the other side of your face, the back of it leaves a burn deeper than the first.

“What’s next? You gonna invite a horde of infected to this goddamn barn?”

Your heart pounds in your ears. Before you know it, tears are rolling down your cheeks, but from the slaps or the words, you can’t be sure.

“I was tryin’ to get us outta this bleak, shithole of a place, and you can’t even follow a simple order?” His words are harsh, each one a jab that sinks deeper into your gut. But he isn’t done yet. He forces your cheeks together with one hand, the pressure so brutal it feels like your jaws might snap. Your lips tremble, slick with tears, unable to escape his grip.

“Maybe I should leave you to die out here. Teach you a goddamn lesson.” You flinch at the venom in his tone, but it’s the next thing he says that truly breaks you. 

“You’re a goddamn liability.”

Joel still goes on, something about how he has to worry about you all the time, but you barely hear the words anymore. You don’t even feel the cracking twinge of your muscles when your body hits the floor again as Joel lets go of you. Seems like your legs stop working altogether.

He crouches next to your splayed body, and you instinctively defend yourself using your forearms in front of your face. “I’m sorry!” you choke on your own words. “Sorry, Joel, I’m sorry.”

“‘S a bit too late for that.” Joel scoffs, his hand pushing your forearms apart, revealing your teary eyes and quivering lips. “Quit this.”

Your trembling pupils find his eyes, and under the dim light of dusk filtering through the barn, for the first time since he arrived you see fresh little cuts on his face. Some bruises on his jaw and neck, hues of blue and purple. The trade didn’t go smoothly, it seems like, and when he came home he had to deal with your bullshit. Of course he’s mad.

He nudges your crotch where your pants are stained crimson of the woman’s blood. “Is this the only thing you’re good for? Pussy?”

The words stings. Far worse than the slaps, the shovings. You know it’s not true. You know Joel knows it’s not true. But he’s angry right now, so you swallow it.

“Take these off,” he tugs at the fabric. “Reeks of blood.”

You comply, quickly pulling your pants off, movement stuttering. Under them are your panties, and while they’re pretty much clean despite how much you want to wet yourself, Joel yanks them down your legs, too, the stitching rips from the force.

“This is the only thing valuable of you, huh?” he hurls the fabric to your face, the fiber absorbing your tears and sweat before you toss them to the ground, shaking.

“Is it?” he presses a palm to your chest, denying you of air. If you were a little bit more fragile he would’ve cracked your ribs. You shriek, nodding out of fear, just so he’d stop.

“Yeah? Fuckin’ say it then. Do I really have to do all the work around here?”

“Yes, Joel,” you cry, desperate.

“Yes what?”

“I’m— I,” the words are stuck in your throat. You don’t want to say it. You don’t know how to say it.

He lifts the hand from your chest and slaps you again, softer this time, like how you would wake a person. “You’re what?”

“I’m only good for my—“ you stutter, and even though you’re sure you’re already crying, you break down sobbing, and almost intangibly continue, “Pussy,”

“Sounds like right to me,” Joel nods, satisfied. “Cause surely there ain’t nothing up there.”

Another sound of hefty thwack fills up the room, but it doesn’t come from the skin of your cheek this time. Joel just struck your cunt with his open palm.

If it weren’t just you and Joel within a mile radius, the yelp you let out would’ve had raiders—or worse, infected—running. The sudden pain has you fight with all your might before you know it, hands swatting against Joel. But he’s so much stronger than you. Even when he isn’t pissed off.

“Keep squirmin’,” he says, his voice low and dangerous. “See what happens.”

Another slap. His calloused fingers do nothing but worsen the pain. Your tear ducts flood your temple, the salty fluid collecting between the curves of your helixes.

“Do I always have to fuck your brain out to keep you outta trouble?” he taunts. “What do I look like, baby, do I look like I got a lot of time in my hands? Nothin’ else to do but babysittin’ ya all day?”

Another strike, each one seemingly more powerful than the last. He cups your cunt, the meat of your lips pulsing from the pain under his touch. You’re gasping, hands balled into fists next to your torso.

“Yeah, reckon it hurts, don’t it?” he points at your cunt with his chin. “Maybe you’ll get it this time, since you seem to do all your thinkin’ with your pussy and not your head.”

He strikes again, and this time you scream. It hurts. You can’t see yourself but you’re pretty damn sure the skin of your cunt should be blooming red by now. You reach for his arm, but he won’t budge. Instead, he pins both of arms, folded on top of your chest like you’re praying. Maybe you should be.

“What’s wrong? Can’t handle it, huh? That’s the problem, ain’t it? You’re used to gettin’ what you want, when you want it."

You shake your head. The last part is not even close to the truth. You’ve been fighting for every scrap of life for years now. You don’t get what you want, not by a long shot. You’ve killed. You’ve hurt and been hurt more times than you can count. You’ve clawed your way through an endless hell to get here. But refuting it, setting the record straight, is not your priority right now. You shake your head because you, in fact, can’t handle it.

“Joel,” you beg, your voice cracking. “I’m sorry. Please stop, please, I can’t take it. I’m sorry.”

He scoffs.

“From the day I spared your life, you’ve been nothin' but trouble. Hell, I don’t know what I was thinkin’, lettin’ you stay with me all this time.” he pulls his hand from your cunt to pinch the bridge of his nose, exhaling sharply before continuing, “Lettin’ myself get attached to you.”

He sounds hurt, almost betrayed for a second, but he quickly composes himself and prepares to blow once again. Your knees are close to each other in an attempt to suppress the pain, and he pushes one away, opening you up, just to find that your reddened cunt is slick with arousal. 

He runs his middle finger through your slit, collecting the slippery glaze, and you arch your back because it’s unexpected, but also almost painful.

“You’re wet?” he questions, as if he doesn’t have the proof right on his fingertip.

You raise your head and shake it, mumbling things about how you’re taking this seriously and you are not titillated in any sense in fear of Joel getting angrier. Which is the truth. You didn’t know. You are feeling millions of different feelings, mainly scared, and you are pretty sure aroused is not one of them.

“You learn new things every day,” Joel shakes his head in disbelief. “Here I got a woman who gets off being slapped and screamed at.”

Maybe you are. You don’t know. You don’t have enough headspace to think, not when Joel slaps your cunt again, the blow sends your hips up to the air. You intertwine your fingers together, pressing them so hard your knuckles turn white.

“Poor thing,” he heaves. “Don’t know what to do with herself. Probably needs to come so bad, huh? After a long day of messin’ shit up and almost gettin’ herself dead, now she needs to come before bed? Greedy, greedy little cunt.”

He smears your own arousal all over your cunt, like he’s applying shea butter on sunburned skin. His finger grazes your clit, and you twitch under him, whimpering.

“Sensitive?” he asks, somehow softly this time. You say yes, and he nods in mock sympathies before finding your clit again and pinching it between his thumb and index finger.

You scream. A full-blown scream. You kick your legs, knowing damn well it gets you nowhere. You yell for Joel to stop, to spare you, that you’re sorry, again and again until it sounds like a jumbled cassette tape.

“Let’s get it over with, yeah?” He pats your cunt as your chest expands and shrinks as much as it could under the pressure of his other hand. “Say it. Beg me for my fingers inside you.”

“Please,” you squeak. “Please, Joel,”

He stays still, waiting for you to utter the whole thing. His gaze is relentless upon your mess of a face. You realize this, and begin to gather your words.

“Ple—ease fuck me with your fingers,” you stammer. “I need to come, need you to— to play with my pussy.”

The words might have been forced out of you, but when Joel pushes two digits inside your drenched, sensitive cunt, a little part of you is grateful. Joel isn’t gentle with it, he isn’t tender and loving like he used to be as he pumps his fingers into your walls, but fuck if that doesn’t cloud your brain with bliss-laced pain. Good kind of pain.

This continues for a couple of minutes until he realizes that you are starting to curl up beneath him, the muscles of your calves and stomach tensing up. Just before the swelling pleasure start to leak, Joel withdraws his fingers, earning a whimper in protest from you.

“Joel,” you whine. “I wanna come. Please.”

“Not yet,” Joel pants. The sight of you desperate and struggling seems to arouse him as well, although he doesn’t pay much attention to himself. “Not done with you.”

It’s killing you. But you nod anyway, playing along, relaxing your jaws when you realize you’ve been grinding your teeth forcefully the whole time it made your head hurt. You wiggle your hands, wrists all sweaty and almost bruised in Joel’s grip. Joel notices this and instead of letting go tightens his clutch even more.

His thumb hovers over your cunt, brushing against your sensitive bundle of pleasure intermittently, making you squirm each time it does. Every time you begin to enjoy yourself, he’ll throw a slap, eventually turning the pain into pleasure.

He fingers you again, still with two fingers, and stops exactly when you’re about to finish. The way he accurately reads your body language and knows the precise moment to deny you your release is scaring you. It is as if you’re nothing but an instrument to him. He follows your rhythm and cadence, knowing where and when to strum, but ultimately how to delay the final movement to his liking, building anticipation.

You’re nothing but a puddle of mess and desperation by the time he denies you for the fourth time.

“Enjoyin’ this?” Joel asks as he shifts his position. His legs are killing him.

You nod. You hate this, you want this to end, but you would be lying if you said you didn’t also enjoy this. Being so small under Joel’s boots, kissing the earth for his mercy. Nothing in your brain but him, how you let him treat you as he pleases.

He chuckles. “Yeah, I bet. Only this kind of thing can make you think, huh? The other things just pass by your brain or something.”

Your head inclines again. You both know it’s not entirely true. Sometimes you’re just too pure, too naive for your own good. Always optimistic, always seeing the good even in a pile of crap. Maybe that’s why Joel was drawn to you, too.

Joel is satisfied. He rubs your cunt and inserts two, before eventually working three fingers inside you. He simultaneously curls and pulls upwards, like he’s trying to dig his way up a mine with brute force. He doesn’t stop even after you come undone, writhing, your foot tapping the dirty floor like a rattlesnake.

You squeal, brain failing to conjure the words to ask Joel to stop, but even if you did, Joel wouldn’t have done it. He keeps moving, stirring your insides up, until he hears a familiar squelch building in your lower abdomen. He coerces it out of you, the release spraying onto his forearm, the rest leaking down his hand to the concrete flooring, trapping the layer of dust on it.

You don’t remember when he stops exactly, just when he wipes your tears with his sweaty hand that was used to hold you down.

“Sorry, baby,” he does look sorry, cupping your cheek as he bends to kiss you. “Gotta teach you a lesson every once in a while.”

[frost-queen]

Russian roulette (Reader x Salesman)

Requested by: anon Forever tag:@missmelodramatic, @floatlosers,  @alex--awesome--22, @merlieve, @queen-of-books, @glimmering-darling-dolly , @denkisclown, @wildiefleur , @meyocoko , @subjecta13-thefangirl , @m-rae23 , @harleyquinnswifeyfrfr , @melsunshine , @panhoeofmanyfandoms , @venomsvl , @the-uncoordinated-house-cat , @rosecentury , @evilcr0ne , @vviolynn , @niktwazny303 , @avada-kedrava-bitch-187, @erikasurfer , @slythetic  , @eliscannotdance, @p0nycurtis, @slythetic, @bitchybananaflower

You stared anxiously at your phone. For two minutes now you had been trying to call Gi-hun. Two minutes with no results. Each time you dialled his number it kept ringing till it went to voicemail. At  first you left a message or two, now you were getting desperate. There was a deal. When he missed a call, he would immediately call back. That was what worried you. He should’ve heard you had been trying to call him for Twelve times now.

His phone literally blowing up with messages. Each time you heard his voicemail, you hung up just to call again. So why wasn’t he calling you back. His phone went to voicemail again, making you groan loud in frustration.

Ready to throw your phone at the ground. – “Gi-hun, you bastard.” – you panted out. Freaking out that he was making you worry so much. After having received the message that the salesman was found, you had been trying to call him. Knowing the vendetta he had with the man in suit and tie.

He wouldn’t? Suddenly crossed your mind. You tried dialling him once more, getting in motion. After a few second of hearing nothing but the beep tone, you hung up. Coming from under the shelter into the pouring rain. Sprinting to get back to the motel where Gi-hun’s room was. Hoping he wouldn’t go face the salesman on his own. You just needed to see if he was still back at his room. Needing to know that he wasn’t going to do anything foolish.

The phone lit up once more, another message popping up. Gi-hun looked down at it. Only for a brief second before turning his attention back to the man in front of him. The salesman. The salesman chuckled deeply, his gun laying out in the open on the table, just underneath his hand. – “Someone is eager to reach you.” – he said with a wicked smile on his lips. Gi-hun kept his expression stern, staring with hatred back at the man.

The salesman came leaning over the table to read the name that had been calling him numerous times. – “Y/n.” – he whispered out, sitting back down. He tilted his head a bit, narrowing his eyes. Trying to decipher the connection between the two of you. – “Chingu?” – he tried seeing Gi-hun barely give any reaction. – “Ani, ani.” – he called out waving his hand across. The answer being silly.

“Girlfriend?” – he questioned. Paying a close attention to Gi-hun’s expression. Gi-hun swallowed deeply as it made the salesman smile. – “Ani.” – he repeated with another wave of his hand. Dismissing the connection. – “I thought you wanted to play a game?” – Gi-hun spoke to send him back on his tracks. The salesman brought his finger to his lips, shushing him. He brought the gun up, scratching the back of his head with it. Intrigued by this little game to torment Gi-hun even more. He riled himself up over it.

The salesman placed the gun back down. Leaning in closer. Hands folded together. Observing every micro-detail in his expression. Seeing how Gi-hun started to get nervous. Maintaining eye-contact with deep breaths. Till. His eye-contact broke off. Letting his gaze glide to the side as it made the salesman curl up a smile. – “Sister.” – he whispered out. Smiling even more at the right answer. Gi-hun’s gaze flashed back to the salesman. This time with slight horror in his eyes.

The salesman started to laugh. Laugh loud. Manically, hysterical. – “Are you done?” – Gi-hun called out, having enough of his games. The salesman inhaled deep, stroking a hand through his hair. He looked briefly down at his jacket, taking out a phone. Placing it down with much care. – “You are familiar with Russian roulette?” – he asked, meeting up with Gi-hun’s gaze.

The salesman pressed a button, playing some instrumental music from his phone. Gi-hun swallowed nervously when he started to explain the rules. Emptying his gun from all bullets. They came clattering down on the table. One of them rolling over the edge, onto the floor. The salesman took a bullet, putting it back in. He let it roll so he wouldn’t know when the bullet would be fired.

He then placed the gun back down in front of him. – “Who knows, when I’m done, I might look for your sister and put her into the games.” – he let out, leaning back in his chair. – “You wouldn’t dare!” – Gi-hun called out, his fists trembling on the table. The salesman curling up a smile at how emotionally he was reacting now. He definitely had the right answer. – “Shall we?” – the salesman took the gun, pointing the end at his head.

Smiling tauntingly at Gi-hun before pulling the trigger. Click. Gi-hun swallowed deeply as the salesman removed the gun from him. Laughing loud. Gi-hun stared at the gun laying in front of him. Cheeks trembling with his nervous breathing. When he said he wanted to find the salesman, this was not what he had in mind. Torture  based on luck. – “Scared?” – the salesman spoke to make him even more nervous. Gi-hun reached with trembling fingers for the gun.

Picking the weapon up and feeling the sudden heaviness of it in his palm. Staring down at the machinery, designed to kill men. The salesman leaning back in his chair. Smiling with crossed arms. Enjoying the fear rushing through Gi-hun’s body. Gi-hun moved his hand to his head. Letting the cold tip touch his head. – “If you die, I’ll make her scream.” – the salesman spoke with a grin. – “Shut up!” – Gi-hun shouted loud. Having enough of his taunting.

The salesman’s eyes twinkled with delight. Harvesting the way he could easily manipulate people and get under their skin. Gi-hun closed his eyes, squinting shut as he pulled the trigger. Click. He released a loud breath, he had been holding. The gun quickly placed back down. – “Your turn.” – Gi-hun called out with a gesture. The salesman took the gun. Getting up from his seat. Leaning in over the table, making Gi-hun lean more back to keep his distance.

He held the gun against the side of his head. Laughing manically as he pulled the trigger. Click. Gi-hun’s cheeks trembled with fear. A nauseating feeling harbouring inside of him. The salesman came sitting back down. That man was a maniac. Gi-hun thought. Not even death seemed to scare him. Perhaps because he had nothing to lose?

“Gi-hun!” – you panted out, the door slamming with force against the wall. Looking up, you grabbed the railing. Running up the stairs to his level. Legs carrying you, heart beating rapidly to give you enough fuel to continue. Feeling your body getting worn out, yet you couldn’t give up now.

Not now while you feared the salesman had found him and did something horrible to him. You took big steps, missing a few steps to reach the next level faster. Arriving in the long narrow corridor, you start running. Running towards his apartments door. Needing to stop yourself in time or you would’ve ran right past it. Grabbing the door handle firm, you swung the door open. Barging in, not sure what you would find.

The door slammed hard against the wall as it made them both jump out of their skin. Gi-hun’s eyes widening as you had forced your way in. Coming to a stop to pant loud. The clicking of a gun, made you widen your eyes, hands automatically going up. – “You must be the sister.” – the man let out with a big smile.

Gi-hun turned his head in terror at the salesman. Not sure what he was about to do, but for the love of everything, he hoped he wouldn’t shoot you in front of him. – “We were just playing a game, why don’t you come joining us?” – the salesman spoke still pointing the gun at you.

He gestured with his other hand for you to come over. Gi-hun shaking his head with fear at you. Feeling as if you could only obey him, you did so. Coming closer to the table. Grabbing one of the chairs at the side, ready to pull it back. – “No.” – the salesman spoke, gun still up to you.

You flashed your brother a frightful glance. The salesman scraped his chair back over the floor. Revealing his lap. Patting his knee invitingly. – “You sit right here.” – he said. You shuddered out a breath, looking back at your brother with trembling knees. He slowly nodded for you to do as he says. Knowing this man was so unpredictable, he didn’t want to see you get shot in front of him. You went around the side, coming to sit down on his lap. The salesman exhaled satisfied. He admired your features. Curling up a smile whilst grabbing your chin.

Gi-hun moved forwards, ready to launch himself at the salesman. If it weren’t for the sudden gun pointed at him. Gi-hun sat back down, hatred clear in his eyes. The salesman tilted your chin upwards, leaning in to give your neck a good sniff. Wanting to know how good you smelled.

“Your turn.” – he said without looking away from you. Looking luringly at you. He placed the gun on the table, moving his other hand to your face. Letting it brush down your jawline. Gi-hun took the gun with a firm grip. The salesman curled up a smile, turning you to the front. One arm wrapped tight around your waist.

His other hand holding you by your chin. Forcing you to look at your brother. – “Go on, pull the trigger.” – he spoke to your brother. Gi-hun moved the gun up with a shuddering breath. – “Close your eyes, Y/n.” – he said, not wanting you to see it if the gun went off. You were trembling, eyes swelling up with tears. You squeezed your eyes shut with a loud sob.

“Open them!” – the salesman shouted loud behind you. It made you force them back open. A few tears finding a way down. – “I want you to watch. Watch how your pathetic brother will join the trash.” – he called out. – “Gi-hun…” – you cried out, sobbing loudly. – “It’s alright….” – he reassured you with a calm motion.

Shaking uncontrollably on his lap, you felt him give your hip a good squeeze. Somehow enjoying all of this. Finding it ravishing that he had such power over the two of you. Gi-hun closed his eyes, exhaling deep and pull the trigger. Click. He quickly put the gun back down with a loud exhale.

You fell forwards, crying loud at how close that could’ve been. Forehead resting against the table. Your loud sobs filling the room. The salesman pulled you back up against his chest. Taking the gun from the table. – “Your turn, Gaesaekki!” – your brother cursed out.

The salesman hummed out a chuckle. Moving some hair of yours out of the way. He tauntingly pointed the gun at you. Making you shudder out breaths with a loud yelp. – “No!” – Gi-hun shouted loud. – “This is between you and me.” – he made clear that he wasn’t allowed to shoot you. The salesman chuckled moving the gun away from you.

“We’ll play a different game then, love.” – he turned you back more to him, away from your brother. – “I get to do whatever I like with you and if your brother as so much moves, I shoot you.” – tilting his head to the side, to flash you a devilish smile. – “Like what?” – you asked nervously. – “Like this.” – the salesman began, grabbing you by the back of your hair.

Pulling on it so that your head got pulled back. Revealing more of your neck to him. He flashed his gaze at Gi-hun before pressing his lips deeply into your neck. Gi-hun’s jaw tensed, hands balding into fists on the table. You closed your eyes, tightening your muscles at his sudden touch. His lips tender on your skin. A rush flooding through you, one that you didn’t want.

“Alright that is enough!” – Gi-hun said, needing to restrain himself with much difficulty. – “Oh but that was just a preview.” – he answered. The salesman grabbed you firm by the back of your neck. Making you release a surprised gasp. He brought his face closer to you, making you squint your eyes shut.

“Gaesaekki!” – Gi-hun called out, slamming his fists on the table. It made the salesman move the gun up to your brother. – “Final warning.” – he warned that if he interfered now, he would shoot you in front of him. – “Don’t make me shoot your pretty sister, Gi-hun.” – he reminded him again. Gi-hun clenched his fists even harder. Glaring angrily at him for what he was about to do.

“She might enjoy it.” – he added just to toy with Gi-hun that bit more. He grabbed the back of your neck once more. Pulling you closer as you had squinted your eyes shut once more. The salesman breathed out a laugh admiring you for a moment before proceeding.

His lips pressed deep onto yours. Settling there for a moment till he parted your lips roughly with his. Forcing you to kiss him back. To follow his sudden rougher kiss. Pressing his chest deeper against yours as his lips trailed yours with indecency. All for your brother to watch. – “Enough!” – Gi-hun called out.

Blinking baffled at the salesman holding his finger up for him to wait. Not ready with devouring his sister with his kiss. After a few more moments, he pulled back out of breath. Licking his lips clearly to your brother. You looked shy down, afraid to look your brother in the eye. Not after this man had just kissed you so dangerously. The salesman moved the gun to his head.

You watched in horror as he shamelessly pulled the trigger. Click. Laughing hysterical as he shoved the gun over the table to your brother. Gi-hun took the gun, pointing it forwards. Making the salesman laugh amusingly. – “Do you really think you are such a good shooter?” – he let out, moving you more in front of him. His chin resting on your shoulder.

“You wouldn’t want to shoot your dear sister now, would you?” – he spoke. Gi-hun lowered the gun, knowing he couldn’t. He brought the gun to his head. – “Wait!” – the salesman let out, hand up. Gi-hun opened his eyes once more, confused. – “There are only two more possibilities. Either you die or me.” – he spoke. Gi-hun looked down at the gun, having not counted the rounds at all.

“I’ll like to favour the game with your sister before we continue.” – he announced. – “Like hell!” – Gi-hun called out, pointing the gun back at him. The salesman hid behind you, laughing loud. – “Want to proof just how good of a shooter you are?” – he taunted till your brother lowered the gun once more. You gasped loud when the salesman turned you back to him. – “Now I want you to kiss me.” – he demanded from you.

“What?” – you called out in a panic. – “I want you to kiss me Y/n.” – he repeated, holding your wrist firm. – “No!” – you let out. The salesman’s smile dropped, his hands finding a way to your neck. – “I can make you gasp for air so easily.” – he said giving your neck a slight pressure. – “Alright!” – you called out, pushing his hands away. He smirked.

You exhaled deep, letting your hands slide up his chest to his neck. – “I’m sorry Gi-hun.” – you said before kissing him. You started kissing him as it pleasured him. Eyes briefly widening as he took over. Grabbing you firm by your cheek.

Kissing you rough with pants in your mouth. You wanted to pull away, but he wouldn’t let you. Kissing you with every might. Gi-hun slammed his fists hard on the table, startling you. The kiss got broken off as Gi-hun quickly held the gun against his head. Staring murderously at the salesman. Click.

He exhaled relieved, sliding the gun over the table back to him. The salesman chuckled, knowing the last bullet was for him. He knocked you off his lap. Falling backwards on the ground. He then grabbed the gun, putting it in his mouth. Tasting the metal hard. His gaze fiercely on your brother. Bang.

-------------------------------------------

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[leviackermanscleaningbuddy]

SKZ DRABBLE-OT8

The one where finding how you fit is a little like a puzzle-the 100,000 piece kind, not the 100 piece kind. or The twenty-seventh installment of the SKZ!Pack Prequel series

Tags: Skz, Stray Kids, Stay, SKZ!Pack, Pack!Prequel, Skz!Pack Prequel, ABO, A/B/O, Omegaverse, Series, OT8, Bang Chan, Lee Minho, Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin, Lee Felix, Han Jisung, Kim Seungmin, Yang Jeongin, Fluff, Angst, Skz imagines, Skz scenarios, FemReader

Genre: Light Angst, Fluff

A/N: I'm back! Sorry guys, I know it's been SOOOOO Long and yall have probably forgotten/given up on me, but I had to take a little sabbatical to keep my head above water in real life. But I've been here! Stalking and reading and checking comments and reblogs and messages. I love yall! <3 Thanks for being so patient with me!

Title: Call Me Anything at All, Just Don't Call Me Yours

“Dude, your fucking beta is killing me here.” 

You glance up as Jisung joins the cafeteria table, plopping down between Changbinn and Hyunjin, clearly frustrated about something, his voice a plaintive whine.

Changbin’s brow creases in slight confusion. “My beta? What, you mean Seungmin?” 

“Who else would I be fucking talking about?” Jisung grumbles, shooting a glare in the alpha’s direction, as he rips open the packet that contains his silverware with a little more force than necessary. 

“You, technically.” Felix points out helpfully from further down the table, giving Jisung a slightly teasing grin. 

“Yeah, ha ha, I’m killing myself, real funny, Lix.” Jisung mocks back, though his tone softens a little as he addresses the omega, because that’s just the effect Felix has on everyone. 

Jisung turns back to Changbin, slapping his palms down on the table. “But seriously, he’s weird as shit. Hot and cold all the time, man. I don’t ever know where I stand with him-not really-kind of like with Minho-hyung.” 

Beside you, Minho snorts softly. “Please, you’re always on thin fucking ice with me, Han Jisung. You know that.” 

Jisung shoots Minho an annoyed look, but continues badgering Changbin. “You gotta tell me the secret to crack the code, hyung. One second, I think we’re friends, the next, the guy barely has two words to say to me.” 

Changbin gives a slight shrug. “That’s just how Seungmin is.” 

You nod in agreement. “Yeah, trust me, Sungie, Seungmin is a tough nut to crack. We’ve been friends for a long time-study partners for longer-and there’s still days I think he’d rather murder me than be sat across the table from me. He’s hard to read, he keeps his feelings close to his chest.” 

“He’s also a slow mover.” Changbin points out. “Really takes his time to think things through, all the pros and cons, before he acts.” 

Minho snorts again, not looking up from his food. “Maybe he’s deciding the cons list is longer than the pros when it comes to being packmates with you, Jisung.” 

“Plus, he’s not all that affectionate. Skinship is kind of a struggle for him.” You remark thoughtfully, an observation you’ve had the longer you’ve gotten to be around Seungmin as a packmate, and not just a library buddy. 

He really only lets Changbin touch him openly. Maybe it’s a side effect of the whole moonmate thing. 

Biology. 

Jisung takes a swig of his soda and considers for a moment, furrowing his brow. “Well, have you guys been-” He clears his throat, motioning slightly with his hands in a flapping motion toward Changbin. “-you know, intimate?” 

You clear your throat at that, interjecting, trying to save Changbin the embarrassment of answering that question. “Intimacy can be a lot of things, Jisungie, you know, like when you and I and Seungmin showered together, or when Chan scents us, or trusting someone enough to talk to them about difficult subjects-” Hyunjin leans around the beta and stares directly at Changbin now. “No, he’s asking if you’ve fucked.” 

Down the table, Chan chokes on his food, and Jeongin openly covers a cackle with a well timed cough. 

Next to you, Minho mutters beneath his breath, “Jesus Christ.” 

Changbin clears his throat hard, and you note the tips of his ears going a bright red. “Well, yeah.” He gives a shrug, as if it’s not a big deal, but the way his muscles stiffen tells you he’d rather be anywhere but here right now, talking about this.

“You don’t have to talk about this, Bin-” Chan starts softly, shooting Jisung a warning look that practically screams head alpha.

Changbin waves him off, and Chan’s hackles visibly relax a little.

“He likes you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Changbin assures Jisung, throwing an arm around his shoulders and ruffling his hair with a large hand. “All of you. He’s just a little more cautious when it comes to showing it. With me, there’s the weird biological pull of moonmates or whatever, but with the rest of you, you just gotta be patient. But he likes you. He’s told me.” 

Jisung sighs, relaxing slightly at the alpha’s touch. “Fine. As long as there’s hope that one day we can fuck in your studio, I can live with that.” 

Changbin removes his arm so quickly from around the beta’s shoulders that it’s like he’s been burned. “Please don’t do that.” 

Jisung shoots him a wink. “No promises.” 

“Apparently he’s into degradation in bed if that makes you feel any better.” Hyunjin remarks offhandedly, picking at his salad with his fork. “You probably couldn’t handle that anyway.” 

Changbin chokes a little, glaring over Jisung’s head at the luna. “Hyun, you promised me when I told you that in confidence-” Changbin’s voice drops to a hiss. “-that you wouldn’t talk about it!” 

Hyunjin gives a slight shrug, glancing around at everyone’s stunned reactions. “What? There’s no secrets in the pack right?” 

Jisung’s jaw is on the floor. 

“He what?” 

“Oh my god.” Chan groans from down the table, fingers already kneading between his brows, staving off an oncoming headache. “This is not appropriate lunchroom conversation-” 

“Okay, okay.” You wave your hands. “You’re gonna give Chan an aneurysm. Let’s table the kink talk for a more private time and location, okay?” 

“Hah.” Jeongin snorts softly. “Table.” 

Minho elbows him hard. 

******

You’re watching Jisung practice something on his skateboard in front of the dorms-a kickflip maybe? You can’t remember what he called it-chin in hand, open textbook unread in your lap. 

“Shit.” Jisung swears as the skateboard clatters away from him once more, and he sighs, tucking it under his arm and coming to sit down beside you on the cold concrete of the steps. 

He bumps his shoulder into yours. “Why the long face?” 

You glance sidelong at him, wrinkling your nose slightly. “I don’t have a long face. I’m just thinking.” 

He arches a brow. “Okay, so what are you thinking so deeply about then?” 

You sigh, running a few fingers over the page of the textbook in your lap, considering for a brief moment. “I was thinking about Seungmin.” 

“Ah.” Jisung nods, tilting his head slightly. “What, about the fact that he’s into being called shit in bed? Because I for one did not see that coming.” 

“No!” You say a little too quickly, cheeks heating even despite the cool nip of the air. “No.” You repeat, a little more levelly this time. “Just-about how I relate, to what you said. I never really know how he feels about things.” 

Jisung leans back on his hands beside you, staring out at the campus for a moment. Finally, he says, “Yeah, he’s kind of a weird dude, huh? I mean, I know he’s into Changbin, but I don’t really know if he’s that into the whole idea of the pack.”

You glance sidelong at the beta sat beside you, and you note the way he bites his bottom lip, fingers drumming along the skateboard held in his lap. 

“I was kind of excited to have another beta around.” Jisung admits a little softly with a sigh, glancing down at the chipped orange paint that adorns his nails currently, courtesy of Hyunjin. “I dunno, until I moved to university, I never really spent a lot of time around others like me. And it’s nice, the dorms and the friends, but there’s something about having a potential packmate who just gets it that’s comforting, you know?” 

You nod, reaching out to put one of your gloved hands over his. “Yeah, I do. I know you’ve been through a lot, with the whole beta thing, and I was hopeful Seungmin could help you through some of the stuff you’re still dealing with.” 

Jisung gives you a slight smile, but it’s tight and doesn’t quite reach his large dark eyes. “I don’t even know if the guy likes me, noona, or if he just puts up with my company because of Changbin.” 

You sigh, glancing down at where your gloved fingers rest over Jisung’s chapped, red ones. “Well, at least he didn’t straight up tell you that he didn’t feel like that about you. That’s something.” 

Jisung snorts. “That’s because I didn’t ask like you did.” 

You swallow. “Yeah, well, I’m an idiot.” You huff out, glancing over at him and it’s your turn to give him the hint of a smile that doesn’t quite feel completely real or genuine. “I mean, I told him I loved him, and he didn’t say it back. So maybe his feelings really haven’t changed.” 

Jisung gives a slight shrug, and then knocks his shoulder into yours once more. The smell of detergent is strong in your nose, as if his beta is subconsciously trying to put out pheromones to soothe your obviously agitated alpha. 

“Hey. You said it yourself-the guy’s an enigma. We just gotta give him the time and space to figure it all out on his own.” 

You sigh, long and hard. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

Jisung leans his head on your shoulder, and you bury your nose into the soft knitted fabric of his beanie, breathing him in for a lingering moment. 

He squeezes your fingers. “If it’s any consolation, I said it back, remember? And it’s still true.” 

You give a little laugh at that, kissing the top of his head. “Yeah, I know. I love you too.” 

You squeeze his fingers back in return, and then nudge the round, reddened apple of his cheek with your shoulder with a slight hint of a smile. 

“Now c’mon, that kickflip of yours isn’t gonna learn itself.” 

******

“I dunno, maybe I’m pushing too hard. Putting expectations on everyone that are unrealistic.” 

Yeosang glances over at you, breaths coming in harsh little pants in the cold morning air, his hands on his hips as he walks a few loose circles around where you stretch. 

“Betas are tricky. When Mingi joined the pack, I swear to god, the hyungs almost drove themselves crazy trying to figure out what he was thinking.” 

He drops down beside you on the sidewalk, leaning over to stretch out one long arm along the line of his leg, before he switches to the other side effortlessly. 

He’s barely panting from our run, skin glistening with a light sheen of sweat in the early morning rays of weak sunlight. 

You blow out a breath, leaning your head back slightly to stare at the sky. “Jisung is losing his mind. He had this whole grand vision of what having another beta in the pack would mean, and Seungmin’s just-” You hesitate, considering for a moment, before you sigh again. “-not that.” 

Yeosang’s gaze flicks over to me, and he makes a little sound of understanding under his breath. “Mm. Yeah, when we all study together, I can tell the kid’s a little harder to read than most. Even for a beta.” He shifts, coming to his feet again as he rolls his ankles a little, then his arms and his neck, glancing down at me. “But he seems nice. And he seems to be into Changbin, so that’s a plus.” 

“That’s the thing though-” You admit, standing up too now, rolling your shoulders for a moment, before you tuck your earbuds back into your pocket. “-he likes Changbin, but does he like the rest of us?” 

Yeosang moves to stand in front of you , reaching up to push some loose strands of hair back from your jaw with a long finger, chilled from the morning air. He gives you a slight smile. “Wolves aren’t solitary creatures, babe. You know that. And with how smart Seungmin is-and how obsessed with biology-he knows that too. Just give him some time to warm up. It’s probably overwhelming, especially for a seemingly solitary guy like him.” 

You groan. “Fuck, you’re right, but do you have to be?” 

Yeosang chuckles at that, moving to bump his shoulder into yours as you turn to follow the sidewalk back toward campus and the bus stop. 

“Yes. It’s one of my many talents.” 

You arch a brow at him. “Being right?” 

Yeosang grins. “Never being wrong.” 

You roll your eyes and elbow him in the side. “They’re the same thing, idiot.” 

He laughs in response. “Trust me, they’re really not.” You walk in silence for a few moments, shoes scuffing the concrete, hands tucked into the pockets of your jackets, and then Yeosang asks, “Have you tried talking to him about all of this?” 

You scoff a little, shaking your head. “No, because what the hell am I supposed to say?” You move to walk in front of him, taking backward steps as you face him, pitching your voice into something akin to a fake version of your own. “‘Hey, Seungmin, weird question, but like, are you into us? Also, just wondering, but have your feelings changed about me? Oh, and Jisung would really like to fuck you, but he’s nervous you don’t even really like him, and by the way, Changbin totally told everyone you like to be degraded in bed.’” 

Yeosang’s eyes widen at that last part, his mouth dropping open slightly. “Wait, really?” 

You wave him off. “Yeah, well, technically Changbin told Hyunjin, who told everyone else, but that’s beside the point.” 

Yeosang whistles beneath his breath as we continue to walk. “Shit. Okay. Didn’t see that one coming, but good for him.” 

His tone is laced with slight surprise still, but mostly just open admiration and appreciation. 

You pull your phone from your pocket and glance at the time, groaning slightly. “Fuck. I have to go. I’m late for a lab and then I have a study session at the lib.” 

Yeosang arches a brow at that, a slight smirk coming to his full lips. “Oh, with you know who?” 

You stare him down, expression and voice deadpan. “No, I am not meeting Voldemort, The Dark Lord, for a study session, Sang. That’s just stupid.” 

Yeosang rolls his dark eyes, reaching out to shove you, but you dodge the halfhearted attack easily. 

“I’m talking about a certain beta.” 

“I know that.” You retort back, rolling your own eyes now. “Besides, even if Voldemort went here, he’d never be in the sciences department. Probably like arts and humanities or something.” 

“Or dance.” Yeosang points out thoughtfully. 

His suddenly wide eyed gaze meets your own, his mouth in a small ‘o.’

“Minho.” You both say together. 

Yeosang grins as you both laugh, reaching the bus stop. He bumps his shoulder into yours once more affectionately, as you separate to take different buses. 

“Good luck with your study session, babe.” He points a stern finger in your direction. “Talk to him.” 

You roll your eyes and wave him off. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll consider it. Say hi to Voldie for me when you pick up Hwa, will you?” 

Yeosang’s grin widens as he gives you a little salute. “Will do.” 

*****

“You’re staring again.” Seungmin comments without looking up from the page he’s working on, his pencil scratching rhythmically in the quiet of the library. 

You clear your throat, dropping your eyes back to your own textbook. “What? No, I’m not-” 

Seungmin sighs, shutting his notebook, and pushes his glasses up on top of his head as he angles to face you, expression unreadable. 

“All right. Out with it.” 

You’re taken off guard, glancing up at him in a slight panic, like a deer caught in headlights, eyes going wide as your mouth opens and closes a few times before you finally manage to choke out, “Out with what? I’m good. Fine even.” 

Seungmin snorts at that. “You haven’t stopped rereading that same page for the last half an hour. And I’m pretty sure you’ve been studying me more than anything else.” 

“Plus your scent is all wacked out.” He says with a slight wrinkle of his nose. “Even my limited faculties can tell that much.” 

You sigh, glancing down at the open book in your lap before you close it and set it aside, tapping your pen along the table for a brief moment as you consider how to word what you want to say. 

Finally, you get out softly, “Jisung is worried.” 

Seungmin’s brow ticks up a bit at that. “About me?” 

You give a slight shrug, not really looking at him, gaze on the pen flicking between your fingers. “I guess? He’s just worried because he doesn’t really know how you feel-” You glance at him then, and then away again. “-none of us do.” 

The eyebrow goes up another notch. “How I feel? About what?” 

You sigh, a slight sound of frustration now. “About everything? About him, about us, about the pack, about-” I throw a hand out. “-all of it.” 

You tap the pen down a little harder than necessary to punctuate the end of your sentence. “In case you haven’t noticed-” You point out in a mutter beneath your breath. “-you’re not the easiest guy to get a read on.” 

There is brief silence for a moment, and then Seungmin admits quietly, “Yeah, I know.” 

You flick your gaze up to his then, and see a hint of vulnerability in the depths of his dark eyes before he reaches up and scrubs across his face with the palm of his hand. 

“Look, (Y/N)-” He says on a sigh, and you tense up, preparing yourself for what he’s about to say next. Judging by the slight hint of burnt bitterness that now mars his orangey citrus scent, it’s probably not going to be what you want to hear.

Great, can’t wait to break the news to Jisung that the only other beta in the pack doesn’t even wanna be here. 

Seungmin smooths his palms on the table in front of him, staring at the pages of notes scrawled in his messy handwriting. “I know there are expectations. I knew that coming in. I know Jisung has expectations especially, and from what he’s told me about his past and how his parents wanted an alpha for a son, and all the struggles he went through as a beta to try and fit in, I don’t blame him. But I-” 

Seungmin gives a little shake of his head, and his gaze meets yours once more, lips pulled into the hint of a thin line. “I never went through anything like that. I was a beta, born into a family happy to be betas, and I never even thought twice about it. Never felt like I was somehow lacking, or less than, because it was all just biology. Nothing more. So I don’t really know how to-” He hesitates, seeming to struggle with his thoughts for a moment. 

“-relate.” You finish for him softly, and he gives a slight jerk of a nod. 

“Yeah.” He agrees. “But I’ve found I’ve had that problem all my life, not just with Jisung, not just with this, with everything.” He gives a tiny shake of his head, and a humorless sardonic smile curves his lips in the slightest way. “I don’t know how to relate to people. I never have. Maybe I’m missing some integral part of my own biology, because I know better than anyone that wolves are not loners, they’re pack oriented, but I’ve always always preferred to be alone. A lone wolf, I guess you’d say.” 

You study him for a moment and then you say softly, “There’s nothing wrong with that, Seungmin.” He heaves a sigh and leans back, staring up at the ceiling above us. “I guess not, but I guess, what I’m trying to say is-” He glances at you, expression going flat. “-I don’t know how to let you all in to understand me, if I don’t even understand myself.” 

Before you can second guess yourself, you reach out and cover one of his hands on the table with your own. “Hey.” When he looks at you, you give him the hint of a smile. “We’re all figuring this shit out, just the way you are.” 

He blows out a breath through his nose, almost like a sardonic sort of laugh. “Yeah? Well, you guys seem to have shit pretty figured out from my viewpoint.” 

You shake your head. “We don’t, trust me.” Your lips curve slightly as you stare at him, holding his gaze. “We’re a mess, we’re just pretty good at hiding it. Well, most of the time.” 

Seungmin stares at you for a long, silent moment. 

“I want to be what Jisung needs.” He finally admits, so softly it’s almost just a breath. “I want to be what Changbin wants. I want to be-” He blows another harsh breath out through his nose and drops your gaze. “-pack, but I’m just not sure where to begin. This is all new territory for me, and while I’m all about new discoveries in the scientific fields, my personal life is another matter entirely.” 

You give a little laugh at that, and note that he hasn’t pulled his hand back from your touch yet. 

That’s a good sign. 

“You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Just one step at a time.” You encourage softly, leaning down so you can meet his ducked gaze. “You can do that, right?” 

Seungmin sighs, but he nods anyway. “Yeah, I can do that.” 

“Good.” You sit back and blow out a breath, glancing down at your study materials spread out before you. “Now I don’t know about you, but I can’t study anymore tonight or I might go blind.” 

Seungmin nods, surprisingly, and begins to pack up his materials. 

After another brief moment of silence, he asks suddenly, “What about you?” 

You shove another handful of pens and papers into your backpack without looking up. “What about me?” 

Seungmin makes a noise that clearly signifies he thinks you’re being obtuse on purpose, and you can feel his annoyed stare burning holes in the side of your head. 

“You know, don’t you wanna know how I feel about you? Now that I’ve had some time?” 

You freeze, swallowing, and then force yourself to resume your previous activities of packing up and getting ready to leave. 

“I mean, not really. I figure you’ll tell me that when you’re ready.” 

Lies. 

You wanna know so bad it’s driving yourself and your wolf crazy. 

You busy yourself with lining up your highlighters back in their designated case, just so your antsy fingers have something to do. 

“You know-” Seungmin states suddenly, voice even, tone neutral. “For a long time, I thought I was asexual.” Your eyes jerk up in surprise to meet his own, lips parting slightly. 

“You don’t have to-” 

He waves you off, pulling his glasses off his head and carefully folding them to stow in their case as he talks. 

“No, it’s fine. I want to.” He glances to you then, a slight smile curving his lips. “I’m supposed to be pushing myself right? Opening up so you can get to know me better?” 

You swallow and give a slight nod. 

“You know, the whole lone wolf thing from before? I didn’t really ever feel the need to be involved with anyone like that. Didn’t think I needed it, felt complete without it. And then-” He sighs, and a slight flicker of annoyance crosses his pretty features. “I met Changbin.” 

“Changbin.” You breathe in slight agreement, and your lips twitch upward a little at the other alpha’s name. “Yeah, he tends to have that effect on people.” 

“Mm.” Seungmin nods in slight agreement. “So then, I thought, well, maybe it’s just biology, but maybe I don’t really want to be alone, not quite like that. But then I think-” He considers you for a long moment. “-I met you, and we became friends, and I liked your company, but then you asked me if I could ever like you like I liked Changbin.” You cringe slightly at that. “Oh god, can we just pretend that conversation never happened?” 

“No.” Seungmin responds back immediately. He arches a brow. “It made me think you know. About myself. About what I wanted. It was good for me.” 

“Glad to help.” You mumble back, your cheeks flushed slightly in an irritated sort of hot feeling blush. 

“I considered that maybe, after you asked me that, that I was just into guys.” Seungmin admits in a softer sort of voice, but still matter of factly. 

“Oh, so it’s my gender, got it.” You retort back, avoiding his gaze. 

“No.” He shakes his head at that. “I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really care about gender, not in the long run of things. I think I’m more into people themselves, their personalities, and how they handle mine.” “Great, so it’s just my personality then.” You blurt out, throwing out your hands now. 

“No.” Seungmin repeats a little bit more firmly, sharper. “You’re not listening to me.” 

You give a little sharp laugh at that. “It’s really fucking hard to listen to you when we’ve been studying shit that turns my brain to mush for the last four hours.” 

Seungmin’s hand covers your own, and you freeze, gaze flicking to him, mouth slightly agape, words instantly dying off. 

“I-” He says firmly, taking in a sort of shaky breath, his fingers still resting a little bit awkwardly on top of your own. “-like you. You, (Y/N). I like the way you make me feel accepted, I like that you listen to my ramblings about scientific findings, I like that you don’t push me to go further than I’m comfortable, and I like that we started as friends first, and you’ve given me time and patience to explore where this could potentially go. At my own pace.” 

You stare at him for another beat and then, “I’m sorry. If what I said in the shower made you uncomfortable.” 

His lips curve slightly at that, his nose wrinkling with the hint of a smile. “It didn’t. In fact, it kind of surprised me that I liked hearing it. Just-” He blows out a breath. “-give me some time to figure out my shit okay?” 

You nod, curling your fingers around his own. “Yeah, I can do that.” 

Seungmin nods, and removing his hand from yours, begins to move to pack away the rest of his things. “Now c’mon, I promised Jisung we’d be in time to watch a movie with him.” 

You grin, standing up and slinging your backpack over your shoulder. “It’s gonna be one of those cheesy action flicks he loves, you know that right?” 

Seungmin sighs, but his voice is filled with affectionate amusement. “Yeah, I know.” He glances at you with a lift of his brow. “But anything for our boy, right?” 

You grin back at him, knocking your arm into his as you walk. “Anything for our boy.” 

As you walk down the stairs that lead out of the library, shoulder to shoulder, he slides his hand into yours. 

[jsmainblog]

not alone - spencer reid જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩

requests are always open <3

spencer reid x lonely!reader

summary: reader is a university student and hits up bars as a product of feeling isolated/blown off from their friends. but this time they meet a very peculiar person who they spend the night with

a/n: okay don't judge this i'm not the best at writing smut this could be really bad

warnings: 18+, oral (f receiving), p in the v, not overly graphic but its still there yk

❤️‍🔥smut

Here you were again stumbling into another bar. It now seemed like a weekly occurence, which seemed a little sad. I mean if you told someone you end up in a bar at least once a week they'd think you'd have some serious drinking issues, or you were depressed, or both. These vists to bars where mainly fuelled by your friends, they were either busy studying or with their boyfriends, sometimes even leaving days to go back home when college got a bit much. So as you seated yourself at the bar you had the usual expectation of how this night was going to go, a drink and people watching probably and sulking, yeah definitely sulking.

You see the usuals at the bar. A family man slumped over his drink morosely, groups of girlfriends getting drinks and celebrating, asshole men hitting on women, two co workers drinking and laughing. Watching these people made your heart ache a little. How you so desperately wished for a little human connection right now. Any connection would do you wouldn't care, a friend, a stranger, even idle talk with bartender. You even wouldn't mind a little bit of physical connection. Your eyes scan the bar until the landed on him. This guy who sat alone sipping on a drink thoughtfully, he looked meek almost. You could tell he was the kind of guy who'd get bossed around alot by women, especially if they give him a bit of attention. So with a hesitant push to stand up you make your way over to him.

"Hi. You mind if I sit?" you question. You see his face properly for the first time.He was young, shockingly younger than you thought with big round brown eyes and soft pink lips. Why, he's got to be around your age maybe 24? 25?.

"Uh no, no I don't mind, don't mind at all." he stutters. You can see the flustered look on his face obviously indicative that he dosen't get approached alot.

"So whats your name"

"Spencer Reid. I-uhm whats your's?"

"Y/n. So what college do you go to?" you inquire. Maybe this could be your chance to befriend someone to lean on when your friends unsurprisingly blow you off once again.

"College? No I don't go to college, I uhm work for the BAU full time at the FBI." he states. Well that shocked you a bit. This young, lanky looking guy who looked like he couldn't lift anything heavier than a chair was in the FBI? You have got to be joking.

"Don't you have to have a degree for that? And your like what? 24? 25? Degrees take a long time so I'm not understanding how that lines up. Unless your a genius or something."

"I have an iq of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute" he rambles, but he notices you shoot him a 'get to the point look'. "Yes I am a genius. And to answer your question yes you need a degree, sometimes even a PHD or a B.A."

You look at him baffled, you could've deducted he was smart from his nerd get up but this smart? Wow how were you supposed to keep up?

"Wait so how old are you?" you inquire

"24"

"Oh same" you say which brings a smile to his face. A very sweet handsome smile. Oh my god are you seriously rambling about some genius you met in a bar less then 10 minutes ago?

"So whats you degree in?" You ask

"Well i have multiple degrees. I have 3 PhD's in chemistry, math and engineering and I have two B.A's in psychology and sociology. So I'm assuming you're a uni student whats your degree in? "

"History."

"Oh yeah?" he says intrigued

"Yeah." you echo like a prayer. This Spencer guy was clearly flustering you a tad and massively impressing you.

So it was even more of a shock to the system when you are clumsily unlocking your apartment dorm with his arms wrapped around you from behind sucking on your neck. The two of you still tipsy crash your lips into one anothers as soon as the door closes. You didn't have a lot of time to think but you could tell where this was going. Now Spencer is a attractive genius you met at a bar 2 hours ago, how well is he going to go during sex? The horrifying thought of him being a virgin crosses your mind as well. You wouldn't usually take a chance on a guy like Spencer but you were lonely and now well a little needy. By the time you two are stumbling into your bedroom practically glued to each other you've accepted Spencer may not satisfy you at all. You were kind of okay with that. At least you were with someone and not sulking alone in your room which you usually do at this hour.

You sit back on the beg tugging on his tie signalling for him to come with you.

"Have you had sex before?" you breathe into his lips. He laughs softly. Why was he laughing? Was he nervous? Did he think your ridiculous for asking such a question?

"Yes I have. Why don't think I can satisfy you baby?" The term of endearment flusters you once again. 'I can't believe you are getting so nervous around a guy who probably plays crosswords in his free time' you say mentally scolding yourself.

You spend so much time talking to yourself in your head you don't even notice the lower half of you is naked and he's eating you out like a man starved eliciting little moans from you. Oh so he's good. You were a little annoyed about his awkwardness falsely led you to thinking he would suck. But you were so wrong. You can't even focus on the pleasure he's giving you because your just thinking about him. How.. No, no not perfect he is. Okay well maybe he's a little perfect. No hookup had ever treated you so gently before. His hand's cradled the backs of his thighs tracing little comforting patterns. You had to admit it gave you a little whiplash. Here he was being all gentle and soothing while his head was practically smooshed into the junction of your thighs. Your hand combs through his mousy hair tugging at the strands. No hookup had ever even bothered on foreplay ever, or was so generous. Your general conclusions about hookups is that 80% of the time it was more about them than you. But, it seems Spencer Reid was an anomaly. When you feel the familiar feeling of warmth and tingles wash over you he kisses your legs softly.

"Your being so good for me." he mumbles more to himself then you and you smile at his praise. He positions himself over you ridding himself of his clothes and the rest of yours between kisses.

"Seems like I got you all smiley huh sweetheart" he teases which earns him a nod and he chuckles leaning into give you a gentle kiss. The way he made you feel when he was inside you was like heaven on earth. Not only did he make you feel physically good, but he made you feel good about yourself. Confident, safe, perhaps even a little loved?

"Yeah that's it. Your being so good for me angel. There we go. Feels good huh? Better than you expected?" he murmurs gently. You roll your eyes at his little surge of confidence but nod a little as your hands tangle together.

"You're so beautiful" you blurt starry eyed before whining.

"Thank you, I should be saying that to you, you know but looks like you beat me to it." he laughs. Before you knew it that wave crashed over you again a little harder this time leading to you moaning his name a little louder than you would've liked. His movements sped up, he himself whining and groaning loudly before squeaking. His release leaking into the latex sheath. You were right about one thing he was a little submissive after all. He slowly guides himself out with a soft pop, discarding the now sticky latex and pulling his boxers on. You try to sit up but his hand guides you to gently lay back down.

"Stay there, let me go get something to clean you up angel. It's the least I can do for you." he whispers pressing a kiss to your cheek before wandering off to the bathroom. You lay there and sticky satisfied mess. Without Spencer you felt a little cold and empty, but he made you feel more at ease and safer then you'd ever felt before which astounded you. He comes back with a warm wet cloth wiping down your intimate areas and sweat all while murmuring sweet words of praise and compliments.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" you mumble quietly.

"Yeah if that's okay with you my apartments a little far from here. Just.. if I leave before you wake up I'm sorry but my work's pretty demanding. "

"No thats all good." you say as he pulls you to settle in his arms.

"Thank you" he whispers into your hair.

"For what?"

"For letting me see you like that." you smile at his sickenly sweet sentence. 'Is this guy real?' You think to yourself as you drifted into sleep enveloped by his arms.

The next morning your bed's empty but your not too torn up about it because Spencer warned you the night before. You sigh rubbing your face as you sit up and spot a note on your bedside table.

"Y/n I'm sorry that I had to leave I got called in on a case. I really enjoyed what we did last night and again I want to thank you. In fact, I liked it so much I wanna see you again. Maybe this time with a little more clothes on so we can get to know each other a bit better. Anyways heres my number and I hope we can get coffee or something along those lines its really your choice . But hopefully sometime soon :)" - Spencer

You smile at the note giddily. Maybe this was the start of something great?

[putiflowy]

Seong Gi-hun x fem! reader

Summary: On your way home you are being chased by a strange man in a suit. No place seems safe until you run into an old friend, Gi-hun.

Warnings: I'm a yapper (word count: 2.5k). Also, sexy time (masturbation, oral, teasing, praising, sex toys, unprotected sex, a lot of talking during sex, penetration, creampie, fluff).

Walking alone at night has always been a terrifying experience and even more when you were being followed by a mysterious dark figure. You held your purse strap tightly and played with it between your fingers to calm your nerves. In case the man showed up, you were prepared to hit him with it. In the best case scenario, he wouldn't follow you afterward. However, worse situations crossed your mind. Therefore, you decided that the best thing to do was to find a place to hide.

Not so far from you there was a bright neon light coming from a pink motel. Although you had lost sight of the creepy man, you decided it was best not to risk going home. As you approached the doors, you realized that everything was darker and less welcoming than you had expected. Still, you pressed the doorbell as many times as you could and waited for an answer. Your knocks had not gone unnoticed. What you didn't know was that a camera had been zooming in to get a closer picture of you.

"Fuck it." You sighed and decided to walk away, trying to find a safer place so the freak would get tired of following you. Near the motel, there was a convenience store that still had light. You greeted the tired cashier and she forced a smile in return. As you checked out the products through the various food sections, you kept an eye on the window, just in case the man appeared. Once in the drink section, you took your time inspecting all the products.

“Coffee with milk… no… aloe vera juice… no… boba tea… hmmm…”. Staying focused on the juices was also a way to release the pent-up stress. However, this new task had made you oblivious to your surroundings. Suddenly, a finger poked your shoulder. It was a polite touch, but still, it sent shivers down your spine. You had goosebumps everywhere. Was it him?

"You seem to be lost." A familiar voice spoke from behind you.

"Gi-hun?" As soon as you saw that lanky figure of your childhood friend, your fear was replaced by nostalgia and excitement. You couldn't contain your happiness and immediately jumped up to give him a bear hug.

"(Y/n)!" He exclaimed and quickly returned the embrace. From the tightness of his grip, you could tell he had missed you too. After breaking away from the hug, you put your free arm around his and he gently caressed the hand you had offered him. Despite the dark circles under his eyes, his face glowed with joy.

"Gi-hun, it's so great to see you again. It's been ages, where have you been hiding?" Curiosity took hold of you. A lot of questions needed to be made.

"I could say the same, (Y/n)! We have a lot to catch on." You walked the short aisles of the store as if you were a young couple strolling through the mall.

"Tell me, tell me! Are you living here in Seoul?" The latest update you had on his life was that his daughter was a very good student and that he was having frequent arguments with his wife.

"No, no, I moved recently... work related." He scratched the back of his head and broke eye contact with you for a moment.

"Oh! Are you living here with... Ga-yeong? How is she anyway? She must be so tall by now. Just like his dad!" You mentally high-fived yourself for being able to remember his daughter's name.

"Ugh... She is actually with Eun-ji and her husband, in the US." He lowered his head for a moment, as this was a difficult and personal topic.

"I did not know-"

"Don't worry! Things happen. So, how are you? And what brings you to Seoul?" He quickly changed the subject to focus on you. After all, there was a reason he came here.

"Oh not much. Well, actually, I went for some drinks with my coworkers and they all left. I was trying to get to my house, but-"

"I saw you on the camera of the motel. Are you okay?" His grip on your hand tightened.

"Are you... working there?" Your head was not focused on the problem that brought you to this place.

"I'll explain it later, but yeah. Now tell me, are you in danger?" The joy on his face faded, revealing an expression of concern. That was the real intention that brought him here, despite wanting to see you.

"I think... I think a guy is following me." You started to remember the details of the night. "I was at the club and, as I was about to have a drink, a man in a suit offered to pay for it. He got closer to my ear and asked me if I wanted to play a game. I said nothing and went back with my coworkers. Then, sometime during the night, he came up to me again and started saying some scary shit like…." Gi-hun listened as he breathed deeply, worried about the suited man.

"What did he say?" He asked, his hand still gripping yours.

"He knew my name and surname. Also my debt. It was so weird. I decided to walk away from that place as fast as I could. I'm scared, Gi-hun. I don't want to go to my house in case he follows me, but maybe he already knows where I live."

"Don't worry, (Y/n). I'll stay here with you. You can stay at my house if that's what makes you feel safer."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks, Gi-hun." On your way back to his home, you did not expect him to be living on the pink motel. Even less expected: he was the owner. The door to his room was reinforced and had various latches. The inside was quite messy with papers all around, yet he kept the place pretty clean. As you inspected the room, you quickly took notice of the different screens that showed various locations of the motel. He had cameras almost everywhere. This made you worry more about his situation than yours.

"There are many thugs around here. I like to keep an eye on them." Gi-hun sat confortably on his bed, leaving a space for you to sit beside him. You decided to sit in front of him in a wooden chair, ready to get all the answers.

"What's going on here, Gi-hun? How did you get all the money to pay for this motel and... well all of this?" The worry in your eyes was notorious. What had this man gotten himself into?

...

The hours went by quickly. You shared laughs, talked about recent losses, struggles, reminisced about childhood memories. The fear dissipated. Had a few. The attraction you felt for him was slowly more and more obvious. You got up the courage over drinks and decided to flirt with him. Gi-hun seemed to be into you by the way he laughed at all of your jokes and how he touched your arm from time to time.

"Hey, if I go into the bathroom. There won't be cameras watching me, right?" You warned him by tugging firmly on his shirt collar. The corner of his mouth trembled trying to hide his laughter.

"No, don't worry, (Y/n)." He raised his arms in an attempt to prove his innocence.

"Good." You pointed the leather bag that was on his bed and he brought it closer to you. "Thanks." With a last dangerous but flirtatious glance, you left the room.

The bathroom was not anything out of this world, yet it had a very nice bathtub with a purple curtain. You checked your face on the mirror to reapply mascara. Your lipstick was long gone but as you were anticipating a lot of making out for this night, you did not put any on. For an extra spicy touch for the night, you took your panties and bra off, hiding them in your bag. Now you were only wearing a tight dress that left no room for imagination. Once you were ready, you walked back to the room. An entertained and slightly drunk Gi-hun was waiting patiently on his bed.

"You look different." Gi-hun's hand was resting near his crotch and the other one was holding his weight.

"You like it?" He was enjoying your moves as you showed him your dress. You left the bag on the floor and walked enticingly towards him.

"(Y/n), you look amazing." You sat on his lap facing him, with your expossed crotch pressing on his clothed member. Gi-hun's jaw was relaxed and all you could hear were his heavy breaths, filled with desire to have you.

"You should have told me that a long time ago." You cupped his cheeks between your hands. His face looked pretty funny all squashed up.

"I'd never thought a woman like you would like someone like me." Your hands were impeding Gi-hun from speaking properly.

"You want to fuck me then?" Your direct question caught him off guard, so you took the chance to explore his body. Your index finger caressed softly his cheekbone, admiring his handsome features. You then moved to his shoulders, massaging them and pulling his shirt down. As you started touching him, his hands travelled from your back to your butt, pressing his nails softly. When he noticed you were not wearing panties he gave you a dirty look that let a loud laughter escape from your lips.

"You little freak." This just made him want you more. His movements became more savage, exploring with more passion and leaving no room for shyness. You could feel his clothed erection pressing between your thighs.

"You look so hot when you're horny." You complimented Gi-hun enjoying his facial expression. You also teased him with some wet kisses.

"(Y/n). You can't even imagine how much I want to fuck you." He brushed his fingers over the hem of your dress, lifting it slowly to reveal more skin.

"Me too." He squeezed your ass cheek, still waiting for permission to touch in between your thighs. As it was quite difficult to reach to your parts in this position, you laid down on the bed. You opened your legs widely, making it clear that you wanted him.

"You are quite impatient, aren't you?" He said as he grabbed your thighs firmly. As his head lowered down in between them, you traced with your fingers along the strands of his hair. You could feel his hot breath in your pussy sending shivers throught your entire body.

"Touch me." You ordered but he ignored you. He kept massaging all the places around your pussy to make you crave his touch even more.

"I'm sorry, darling. You will have to beg for it." He licked his lips softly caressing around your folds with his fingers.

"Please, Gi-hun. I need you." You pleaded and he seemed to be satisfied. His index finger found you clit and started rubbing circles against it. You took advantage of the fact that you were holding his hair and you lowered his head to your pussy. In no time, his lips were sucking on your clit, making you shiver and pant even faster. He changed the motions and pace from time to time, which made you go crazier for him. Your vagina was pulsating, wanting him to penetrate you desperately. Gi-hun took notice of this and moved his hand closer to your entrance. He slipped a finger inside of you and in return, you gave him a satisfied smile as he pumped it in and out. Then, he pulled one finger more, still sucking and licking on your clit.

"Is this what you want?" His face was now not so many inches away from yours and his finger still pumping in and out of you.

"I need you Gi-hun, please. Fuck me." You said that last one making eye contact with him flirtatiously. He pulled out his wet fingers out of you for a moment and moved to a drawer to get something.

"You see. When I bought this place it came with some free toys. I still have not had the chance to use them. Wanna try?" He revealed a vibrating bullet and turned it on, showing you the different modes and intensities it had. You gave him a quick 'yes' with your head. He pressed the toy on your clit and a loud moan escaped from your lips when he inserted his fingers back. He enjoyed every bit of it.

"Gi-hun!" You exclaimed grabbing his hand with force. The sensations were becoming overwhelming.

"You look so beatiful like this." He complimented as you panted heavily. "I wonder what you would look like with my cock inside of you." Gi-hun grabbed your wrist guiding it to the vibrating bullet. Now you were the one in control of the modes and intensities. As his fingers were no longer inside of you, you decided to try with a different mode. While you were playing with the vibrator, Gi-hun's hand hooked under your thigh and pulled one of your legs over his shoulder. The other hand unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers to reveal his throbbing erection.

"You like that?" He asked rubbing the tip of his penis in your entrance. Seeing your facial expression of pure pleasure and the moans you gave in response were more than enough for him to keep going.

"I want you, Gi-hun." The sound of his name in your lips made him groan. The moment you said you wanted him, he pressed his dick slowly inside of you.

"You feel so good on my dick." His size filled your vagina and he waited a moment for you to adjust before thrusting. Once you were ready he started thrusting in and out slowly. Then, his eyes dropped down to your bouncing boobs.

"Like what you see?" You moved the hand that wasn't holding the vibrator to your boob and gave it a gentle squeeze. Even if he liked it, he decided to take a more dominating role. He grabbed your wrists and pulled them over your head.

"What about this? You like it?" You smiled in return and crossed your legs around his waist so he would keep thrusting deeper. With his dick inside you and the vibrator, you wouldn't last long.

Looking at Gi-hun, he would not last any longer either. His movements became more erratic and his moans louder. Your breaths quickened and your vagina tightened as you were reaching orgasm. Gi-hun took notice of this and kept the pace even if he was almost there too. You could feel everything with even more intensity now. His lips kissing yours and the wet sensations. His moans. His one day beard tickling your face. The tight grip on your wrists. His dick pressing in and out. Your vagina walls tightening. Your breath going faster. You soon came on his dick and his mouth muffled your moans. Your fluids lubricated his member which made it easier to penetrate you.

"Keep going." You told him still feeling some pleasure even if it was less intense. He pumped his dick in and out a few more times before spilling his cum inside you. Once he was done, he pulled his dick out and the cum spilled out of your vagina.

"That was amazing." He said with a satisfied smile laying beside you on the bed. He brushed a strand of hair away from his forehead and gave you a soft peck on your lips.

"Yeah, we should hang out again some time. You almost made me forget about that guy."

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Not a Word 3

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon/dubcon, age gap, violence, parental abuse, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You live a life in hiding, away from your father and the world, until a man decides to drag you into the light. (non-verbal reader)

Characters: Captain Syverson

Note:😻.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

The smell of the roast fills the house as you focus on small tasks, things that aren’t urgent but keep you busy. Sy’s footfalls creak in the floorboard as he looms in the front room. You’re thankful to have him away from you for the time being. You’re confused and concerned about his unannounced arrival. 

You’re not sure what he means. Blessing. You look at the flowers. You’re not stupid. That’s a clear gesture and yet why would he do that for you? Why would he have an interest in you? 

The bigger question, one you can’t answer, how do you feel? Sy is nice enough but he’s scary all the same. Big and boisterous. He’s never done anything to you but you don’t really know him, do you? He doesn’t really know you. Well, this must be his way of getting to know you. 

It’s all a mystery to you. Relationships and all. Even familial one. You know from the movies that what you have with your dad isn’t normal. You can feel that he only really resents you. 

“Smells good,” Sy startles you. 

You peek over your shoulder and close the fridge. You go to the sink to rinse the cloth of the crumbs you wiped off the shelves. You wring it out and hang it to dry over the edge of dish rack. 

“Daddy’s late,” he clucks. “Ain’t he?” 

You look at the clock then him and shrug. He circles the table, pacing as his thick fingers twiddle. As he prowls, you’re reminded of a coyote. They always get into the shed in the hotter months, tearing at the rubbish stored there before truck day. 

“Anything I can help with, sugar? I don’t wanna be in your way,” he offers. 

You shake your head. You turn to the stove and open it slightly to check the roast. Still a bit to go. The potatoes need some softening. You shut it as the floor groans. You peek back and catch only Sy’s back as he disappears down the hall. He must need the bathroom. 

You continue your meandering cleaning. It’s not really messy at all but the place is old and everything’s a bit worn out, including you. As you adjust a canister in the spice rack, a noise catches your ear. Something familiar. 

You tiptoe to the hall and peer down it. You frown. Your bedroom is open. You go down and peek inside. Sy stands facing the wall, staring at the diamond art you did of finches in a nest. It’s one of your favourites so you hung it. 

He leans in as you tap on the door frame. He flinches and looks at you. He gives a sheepish expression and runs his hand over his beard. 

“Sorry, wasn’t meanin’ to intrude but the door was open so I... I was just lookin’ at this. You made it?” 

You nod. How can you tell him to get out? You have no way of making him. The door doesn’t always catch, he might not be lying. 

“Real pretty,” he praises and approaches you, “like you.” 

You blink and back up. You point back down the hall. You scurry away before he reaches you. You enter the kitchen and pull out a small saucepan. You’ll need it to make the gravy even if you won’t have the drippings to do so for some time. 

The puffing putter of your father’s truck underlines the tension as Sy lurks in behind you. You stay facing the stove, stilling your hands as you keep them on the hot edge of the stove. The warmth is just short of unbearable. 

Sy exhales and you brace yourself. Your heart beats furiously in anticipation. What will your dad think? How will he react? Usually, the large man cozens him with beer but today he’s only brought flowers. You can’t help but think of those floral curtains your dad tore down because they were too girly. 

Your dad clamours loudly up the steps. The door opens and snaps shut behind his stomping. He keeps his boots on as he enters the kitchen and scuffs short. 

Sy clears his throat, “hey, Don, how’s it goin’?” 

“Mmph, what’re ya doin’ here?” Your dad grumbles. You watch over your shoulder as he brushes past the large man and slams his lunch pail on the table. “Damn shit show down at the shop.” 

“Every day, isn’t it?” Sy chuckles. 

“Why’re you dressed like a funeral?” Your dad sniffs as he goes to the fridge. He snorts as he takes out the last beer. “Runnin’ low on Miller, too.” 

You wince and turn back to the stove. You do your best not to draw any attention. The awkwardness is as stolid as the heat radiating from the metal. 

“Well, ya know, I was comin’ to ask ya something important,” Sy explains. “About your daughter.” 

Your dad cracks the can open and slurps, nearly choking at the end, “her? What’d’ya want with that deaf rat?” 

Sy inhales audibly, “now, that ain’t no way to talk about a lady, is it?” 

“Lady?” Your dad chortles, “sure, Syverson, whatever you wanna call the appliance.” 

“I’m gonna say it one more time, you don’t talk about a lady that way,” Sy warns, the nervousness fading from his tone. “I came to ask for your blessing as I do have intentions with her. I’d like to... to build something with her. I’m a good man, Don, I think--” 

“Fucking shit,” your dad guffaws. “You ain’t serious? Her?” 

“She’s a nice lady. She keeps a good house, don’t she?” 

“She’s no use to you,” he retorts. “Got no more personality than a lamp. She can turn the stove on and wipe a dish clean but nothing else goin’ on there.” 

The oven buzzes and you quickly silence the timer. You take the oven mitts as the men behind you shift. You step back to open the door and carefully balance the roast pan as you bring it up onto the burners. Your dad makes another throaty noise. 

“Sure smells like a good dinner,” Sy says. “How about we enjoy it together--” 

“You’re fucking laughin’.” Your dad accuses. “Makin’ a joke of me ‘cause I’m stuck with the moron.” 

“Don,” Sy grits. 

“Nah, she’s a doornail, I know it. I don’t need ya pullin’ my leg about it.” 

“I’m not,” Sy insists. 

“Look at her. Like a goddamn robot. All she know how to do is cook and clean. Empty inside, ya know? It’s why she don’t talk. Nothin’ goin’ on, nothin’ to say.” 

“That ain’t true, and ya know it. You got no right mistreating your own daughter. I don’t like it.” 

“She’s my daughter, so why don’t ya take that ugly tie and get outta my house?” Your father snarls. 

“I came here honestly, Don. I’m not here to argue. I asked ya a question--” 

“No, you ain’t got my blessing. I told ya, she’s a fucking invalid--” 

“Don’t--” 

“You big lumphead, why don’t you ask her and see what she says?” Your dad interrupts. “Huh, see what you hear...” he pauses and you don’t move. You’re terrified. “See? She’s wacky--” 

“Don, you have some respect for her--” 

“Don’t tell me how to treat my own kin.” 

“Well, I’m tellin’ ya,” Sy sneers as his shadow moves. 

“You threatening me right now, boy?” Your dad puffs. 

“Only if you’re not gonna show her some decency--” 

“Get out of my house. You’re just as screwy as her. Two of ya together, fucked--” 

“Stop.” 

“Well, it’s true. Fucking mad for even thinkin’ of it--” 

“You don’t treat her right--” 

“And what would ya do with her? Big fucking ox like you. I seen the way you handle an engine. You’d break her.” 

“I didn’t call you any names, you don’t needa be rude.” 

“Rude? Aw, baby boy--” 

“I been nice, Don--” 

“Boo fucking h--” 

The crack of bone on bone makes you flinch. Then the loud crash and clatter draws you around. Your head is thrumming as your father’s body sprawls across the floor, the table scraping away from him. You only see his feet poking out from the other side.  

Sy stands over him, squared up, fists clenched, panting heavily. He’s a terrifying sight as he glares down at your father. You clasp your hands over your chest and sway. He doesn’t move. 

Slowly, you come around to look at your dad. He’s unconscious. His head lolls to one side as trickle of blood appears at the corner of his mouth. He’s not moving. You stare at his chest in search of his breath. One hit... no, that couldn’t be. 

The flowers lay across the floor, the canister overturned as water pools on the tile.  

“Told him not to insult ya,” Sy growls. 

Your eyes round and lower yourself to look over your dad. He can’t be gone. That doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way one punch could kill him. Is there? 

“Don’t touch him, sugar,” Sy commands as he bends to catch your wrist before you can check for a pulse. “I’ll take care of it.” 

You look at him and your mouth falls open. What does he mean? You fidget in his grasp and shake your other hand. What do you mean? 

“I didn’t mean to...” he drags you up and away from your dad.  

You let him, quaking and afraid. If he can do that to your dad, what could he do to you? He puts you by the stove. 

He turns and strides around the table. He doesn’t hesitate as he lifts up your dad and carries out his limp body. You watch after him until you hear the garage door. What is he doing? 

You cling to the stove and listen. You hear metals and scraping, the grind of the rusted old hood opening in that old broken Bronco truck. A cantankerous cacophony. Then a deafening crash. 

The garage door opens and Sy’s footsteps come down the hall. He walks in calmly and pulls the table back into place. He fixes the chair and gathers up the stems, putting them all back into the canister. He hands the bunch to you. 

“Needs more water.” He says plainly. “I’ll get the mop.” You stare at him as you hold the canister in your hands.  

He backs away and leaves you without another word. You look at the flower then fill the canister again. You put it back on the table as he comes back. He hands you the mop. 

“You mind? I gotta call the medics for your daddy,” he drawls. “You know, I told him not to yank that chain. Whole engine just came down on him...” 

Your lashes flutter in confusion. You take the mop and he steps away. He takes out his cell phone and pauses, inhaling deeply. You sop up the water cautiously. 

He dials out and lifts the phone to his ear. You take the mop to wring out in the tub. You go down the hall and peek through the open garage door. You stop short as you come upon the scene. 

Your dad is bent under the open hood, his shoulders contorted grossly. The hoist is overturned, the chains twisted as the engine sandwiches your dad’s head beneath it. A tragic scene of carelessness. Staged perfectly. 

Your stomach churns as Sy’s voice drowns under the tempo of your fear. You grip the mop and twitch as your insides spasm. You think you’re going to be sick. 

Dead. He's dead. Sy killed him. It was an accident. He said so. He didn't mean to, right? He couldn't have meant to. They were friends. He always came over with beer. For your dad, not you.

“Aw, honey, don’t look at all that,” Sy comes down the hall towards you and you shy away.  

You bring the mop close to you and stumble away from him. You hold it up then quickly flee. You scurry down the bathroom as the garage door clicks shut. Sy tuts as he lingers. 

“Gotta wait for the cops to show,” he calls after you. “They on their way.” 

[bridenore]

Author rec : Aibidil

Aibidil is one of my favorite authors. Here are a few recs, listed in alphabetical order.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil [36k]

Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected.

Back to You by @aibidil and @daisymondays [8k]

The eighth years make Harry and Malfoy go head to head and back to back in a question-and-answer drinking game. The worst that can happen is they end up drunk, right?

Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love by @aibidil [80k]

In which a group of wizards' rights activists goes on the offensive after a prohibition against love potions, forcing the magical world to confront the horror of magic's role in sexual assault and the murky legal nature of consent. Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Draco are swept together to solve the case, and in the process they're made to confront their own love and lust—with and without potions.

the latch is undone by @aibidil [24k]

Years ago, if you asked Draco what he thought would be the hardest part of building a life with Harry Potter, he would've said the beginning: convincing Potter to give him a chance, taking that chance, the vulnerability of a first kiss.

Moldova's Magical Tea by @aibidil [32k]

Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and—to everyone’s surprise—Draco Malfoy are opening a magical tea shop to revive wizarding tea culture and, hopefully, to bring the community together after the war. Harry, who is unemployed and trying to find his way in post-war society, wants to help his friends with their new business—but that means spending a lot of time around Malfoy. Featuring Muggle music from summer 2001, trips to the Muggle cinema, herbology and magical herbal infusions, and Draco trying to convince Harry that, while he’s still a snarky git, he’s no longer a bigot.

Pure Imagination by @aibidil [14k]

An eighth-year tale of depressed happiness, reluctant imagination, and conflicted hope. And skateboarding.

You See Through My Disguise by @aibidil [9k]

Bellatrix's knife flew across the room, but Harry leaped, pushing Dobby and Griphook to safety but stranding himself at Malfoy Manor. Now he and Draco are locked in the cellar with Wormtail's corpse and a rat, waiting for Voldemort to return and decide their fate.

when by now and tree by leaf by @aibidil [46k]

When Scorpius Malfoy is saying goodbye to his dying mother, he doesn't expect to hear her confess, "Your father slept with another man and became pregnant with you." Grappling with his grief and his identity, Scorpius sets out to discover his other father, who it turns out has a lighting-shaped scar and no idea that Scorpius exists.

When Times are Dire by @aibidil [130k]

Magical Britain is screwed, and it's once again up to Harry to save it. This time, by marrying Draco Malfoy.

I hope you enjoy these stories as much as I did!

[gothicfied]

Hey, i love your writing. I was wondering if you could do a Dae-ho fic where the reader is apart of his group (with gi-hun and stuff) but used to date Thanos, who is trying to win her back. She asks the boys to help stop her from going back to him cause she can;' help but want to. Later dae ho asks why she dated thanos cause he was toxic and she admits she feels she doesn't deserve better. Dae ho confesses and promises that he will give her better. I don't know if this makes sense, but thanks :)

Why can't I let go? - Kang Dae-ho / Player 388

Pairing: Kang Dae-ho / Player 388 x fem!reader (maybe slight Thanos x reader)

Summary: Seeing your ex months after your break up made you question things again, but Dae-ho gave you a reason not to go back to him.

Warnings: Mentions of death/dying, gunshots (typical squid game stuff), other than that it's just fluff, not proof read (english isn't my first language)

Word count: ~ 1.6k

A/N: hi and thank you sm!! I hope this comes close to what you had in mind (:

What made being in this slaughter house even worse for you, besides the fact that you had to worry about dying every few seconds, was the fact that your literal ex boyfriend somehow also ended up here. Well, actually, you knew exactly why Thanos, as he liked to call himself now, entered the games as well — Not only did he basically bankrupt himself with investing in that stupid crypto currency, no, he took most of your savings too and created unnecessary money problems for you. That was obviously the break-up-reason, although he just wasn't the best boyfriend over all.

His presence already pissed you off when spotting him in the crowd after initially waking up in that uncomfortable bunk bed. Thanos only spotted you when walking up the weird, colorful stairs to the first game. Pushing other players to the side, he made his way up to you and tapped you on the shoulder, non-stop apologizing for what he had done to you. It has been like that since you broke things off with him, but you made the effort to block him on everything and simply not answer the door when he came by every now and then to win you back.

Thanos was annoying and dangerous, as it showed itself in Red-Light-Green-Light. Not only was he a junkie, he was also seemingly ready to sacrifice the life of other people for his own benefit. At first, when Player 456 yelled out that everyone who got 'disqualified' would essentially get shot, you didn't want to believe him. Even Thanos leaned over to you, much to your annoyance, and said "What the fuck is this guy on?". He's one to talk, huh. In the end, when Player 456 was right, you immediately took his advice and voted 'X' during the first voting.

"Thanks for saving us back there." you said to Player 456, hesitantly approaching him and his friend, Player 390. They introduced themselves as Gi-hun and Jung-bae, inviting you to sit down and eat with them. A few moments later another young man dropped down from his bed and agreed with you, also claiming that how Gi-hun acted was heroic. "Why'd you vote like that then?" you asked Dae-ho after he sat down next to you, pointing at the blue badge upon his chest. "Ah, you know," feeling like he got caught, he kept looking away from your eyes, "the money now is not nearly enough to pay off my debts. But, don't worry, I'll definitely vote different next time!" You guys continued talking and even laughing a bit, telling each other about your life outside of here.

You, alongside Jung-bae, found out that he was a marine. Both were actually, immediately finding common ground. Watching them joke around with each other, you couldn't help but smile — Which stopped as soon as you looked to the other side, to the people who voted 'O', and spotted Thanos staring at you. He was clearly not happy with how you voted or the fact that another man made you laugh, even though you only met him a few minutes ago. That's just how Thanos is, you feared: always jealous about someone, worried you're going to cheat on him, but would then flirt with his female fans in the same breath. He always claimed it was because they were his fans and they loved to feel like he was reachable, but that was never a justification for you.

For some reason, that you didn't pay attention to, a little fight between the two sides broke out, and Thanos thought this was the best time to drag you away from all that and talk with you. You saw him stand up and approach you, to which you already shook your head, but when he grabbed your arm and just took you with him, you couldn't do much. "Why would you do that?" he asked you, his eyes staring into yours. "What? What did I do now? Can't you just leave me alone?" You crossed your arms in front if your chest and just looked down at your feet, because, if you were being honest with yourself, when your ex boyfriend looked at you like that.. it kind of did something to you. Perhaps regret your decision.

"Baby, seriously?"

"Don't fucking call me that."

"Come on, I know you love it, princess.."

"Get to the point."

You were annoyed, agitated, but somehow still wanted to hear what he had to say. Thanos huffed, furrowing his eyebrows. "Why did you vote like that? If we play just two more games, we could pay off our debts and maybe.. try again?" He grabbed you by your shoulders, shaking you a little so you'd look up at him again. When that didn't work, he wrapped his arms around your waist and tried to pull you close, but that was your breaking point. Forcefully, you ripped yourself out of his grasp and started walking back to your group again: "Don't even start with that. You ruined my life."

In a twisted way, you felt bad. His proposal almost, almost, made you give in. It was just nice to see a familiar face and hear a familiar voice in this environment, it brought you comfort to know that there was someone you shared so many special memories with that you could turn to. And, you would, just if it wasn't Choi Su-bong. "Is everything okay? Was he giving you trouble?" Jung-bae asked, looking like he was ready to fight him. Actually, he was probably ready to fight everyone who voted 'O'. "No.. no, I'm okay." Without another word you sat back down next to Dae-ho, picking away at your fingernails.

"Who is he?"

"What?"

"That guy.. who is he?"

"To me? My ex boyfriend."

The man let out an 'aha', just nodding along. When he looked at Thanos and then back to you, he couldn't really believe it — That purple-haired guy was almost the complete opposite of you. You were pretty, seemed to be kind and gentle and Thanos was just kind of.. Dae-ho would say you're way out of his league. "If he's bothering you, just tell me, okay? I'll take care of it." You looked at the former marine, giving him a smile when noticing that he was serious about that. You thanked him quickly and looked away, feeling your cheeks heat up slightly.

After surviving the second game together, Dae-ho and you have gotten closer incredibly fast. He was mesmerized by you, to say the least, and you appreciated that you had someone to rely on at all times. That still didn't stop Thanos from perusing you, though, it actually was the complete opposite. A few minutes before lights out he tried to talk to you again, following you to your bed, which was right behind Dae-ho's. The two of you slept head to head together, only a metal bar separating the beds.

"Please.. just listen to me! I miss you.. I swear, I'll vote 'X' the next time!" Thanos' annoying voice rang through your ears and no matter how often you told him to leave you alone, he didn't want to understand it. At some point he got annoyed and just walked off himself, sighing and planning to try again next day. With a quiet groan, you let your head fall back against your pillow, Dae-ho watching you the whole time from his side. He felt like it wasn't his place to continue to ask you about the situation when you didn't bring it up yourself, but he was still curios as to why you'd ever be with that guy.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you need me to say something to him next time?"

"No.. It's fine, I can handle it. It's just- complicated, that's all." You were tired, your mind was reeling — People dying was stressful enough and now you had to handle your immature and manipulative ex boyfriend as well. "You don't have to answer this but," Dae-ho tucked some of his hair behind his ears, sitting up so he could properly look at you, "why did you date him? You're too good for him." His little comment made you chuckle, even though he was right and it probably wasn't all that funny. "I don't know.. to be honest, at that time I just felt like I didn't deserve any better."

Dae-ho was appalled by your words, his face scrunching up. How could you even talk about yourself like that? "You do deserve better. You deserve the world." His tone wasn't angry, but definitely a lot firmer than before, showing you that he actually meant what he said. "What?" you asked him, also slowly sitting up now. "I'm serious, you're kind and smart and deserve a better life, a better boyfriend." His words made your heart beat a little faster.

"He doesn't deserve you. I would treat you be-" As soon as Dae-ho noticed what he just said himself, he immediately stopped talking, looking at you with wide eyes. "You would treat me better?" Your voice was laced with amusement, maybe teasing him a little now. That question made him stutter a quiet 'Yeah..' and it was clear how taken aback Dae-ho was from his own words. He didn't want you to know, at least not now. He knew this wasn't an ideal place to develop a crush on a girl he could lose in an instant, but he couldn't control his feelings now, could he?

"A lot better even."

"Then show me.."

[frownyalfred]

Arkham Prince AU (ignore if you wish, i just needed to get the exchange out of my head after reading the threads in your blog) :

------------------------

Harvey sighed and wished for the thousand time he was able to smoke in the room they allowed him to see Bruce as his legal council. His firm laughed at him, for taking on the pointless case of defending the undefendable, but they didn't know Bruce like he did. How he was before, what drove him to this.

"So you sent this man, to the infirmary. Unprovoked? Jesus H. Christ, Bruce."

The man in question remained standing, staring of the double glass windows, bars obstructing the view in more ways than one. If it wasn't for the chains tying his legs to the concrete and the ARKHAM on the back of his uniform, he would have passed as a unconcerned, everyday man.

"We can't even claim self defense," Harvey continued. "You-"

"He has cancer."

Harvey blinked at the non-sequitur, "What?"

Finally, the orphaned Wayne turned and faced him, face blank, unconcerned about how much more this action would add to his sentencing. Unconcerned except for the steel eyes seething yet holding back so much hurt.

Harvey remembered once again, with a small pang, why he had gotten a crush on Bruce in their college days.

"Nygma. He has cancer. The only way to get medical care in Arkham is by ending up in the hospital wing." Bruce moved with all the weight of the world on his shoulders and sat in the bolted chair across from his lawyer, and life long friend.

Somewhere in Arkham, an alarm rang to let staff know a super had arrived at the facility.

Harvey leaned back in his chair, "So you-"

"Sent him there to get treatment as he recovers from multiple rib fractures, humerus break, and left talus dislocated break. Rendering him non-weight baring. So he had to stay there."

His lawyer let his head hang in exasperation.

Outside the hall, a god like man was buzzed into the hall, two locked doors away from Bruce Wayne. The staff member behind a desk, glass, and bars, informed him he was with a visitor already.

Superman brow furrowed in frustration but he nodded politely and took a seat to wait. Deceptively human behavior. The staff didnt trust it.

"Bruce. There has to be a better way to have helped him. "

"Changing the prison infrastructure from inside my cell is not something I could do. /That/, sending him there directly to be treated, was what I /could/ do."

Bruce could see Harvey revving up to once again bring up the tired old argument, 'Why did you do it? Why kill those people?' 'Why not wait until they were taken in by the law?'

But they both knew there was no way the people guilty would have gone and stayed in prison.

"Don't," Bruce interrupted before the other could start, "You know why I had to do it."

Harvey blinked, and gathered the papers on the table, fitting them in a folder. Pointless papers, except for the monthly 'permission slip' Bruce signed for the charity funds to continue to go to the Martha Wayne Foundation.

"I know. And it gets me so angry, still. For you."

Bruce gave a small genuine smile, though his eyes remained the same - angry, sad.

"Thanks, Harv."

Outside in the waiting area, the super narrowed his eyes, witnessing the exchange, a curious yet odd feeling filling stomach at the scene beyond concrete and wall insulation.

Who was this man, to his- to the League's informant?

(Hope you have a good day! Thank you for indulging us by answering our asks! 👋)

Oh my god Harvey! Yeah, the inversion of Bruce visiting Harvey and Harvey visiting Bruce instead….Harvey never giving up on his friend, convinced Bruce didn’t mean it. I’m sobbing, of course he’d try to help, to look past it, to see the kind and caring man he once knew underneath. Maybe Bruce is protecting him in a way — Arkham has a gravity to it, it pulls in who it wants. And Harvey has always been a target in Gotham.

[peterm4rker]

from the rooftops || m.l

twenty four. mark fucking lee

🕸🕷✮⋆˙ wc. 0.7k w. curse words ! ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ

sometimes in life things just click.

like when you hear a part of a gossip you were missing and everything suddenly makes sense, or when you remember the name of something hours after thinking about it.

or when you hear spiderman answer your question in a way that no one but mark lee would.

it was november 13th, the day was beautiful with clear and sunny skies. kids ran around the park and laughter filled the air. everything was absolutely perfect.

you had everything ready to take action on your little detective plan as you both sat on your usual spot on the ground of the park, where was telling you one of his many stories for the new article. you noticed the stiffness of his body almost immediately after he got there, when he greeted you with the most awkward handshake you had ever been a part of. he completely lacked his usual relaxed and fun demeanor, and it was making your job harder and easier at the same time. maybe he was trying hard to hide who he was now that he knew he had fumbled a couple days prior, or maybe he had just woken up in a bad mood. whatever it was, it would end up playing an enormous part on the pieces of the puzzle moving slowly into place, preparing a picture of a face you had grown to know a little too well. 

you did everything you could to make him feel more comfortable so he could let himself go, just so he could give you something, anything that would help you finally figure out what you so desperately wanted to know.

it wasn’t that you wanted to know for any evil reasons like you were sure that many did, but you needed to know if the boy you were madly in love with was putting his life in danger every single day.

you asked questions and said funny comments, looking to elicit some type of reaction from him. slowly, he let his walls down as he always ended up doing around you. his hands began to move around as he articulated his words, his voice got more excited and giggles started to allow themselves to escape out of his lips.

and then it happened, the moment where everything clicked.

“and after that i went to go get ice cream to the parlor close to the river” he commented as he ended his story, letting out a small chuckle.

“ouh, fire?” you asked, without even realizing that you had just set yourself up for success.

“flames” he answered casually, almost out of instinct, causing your eyes to widen slightly.

no.

fucking.

way.

“i’m glad, i’ll have to go get some there. i’ve never had it.” you said quickly, trying your hardest to hide the emotion in your voice.

“it’s so good, also pretty cheap, but they give it to me for free because i once stopped a guy from setting the store on fire” he commented with a small laugh, and you felt utterly stupid.

how had you not realized after all this time? how could you not hear the voice that clouded your dreams behind that (now very obvious) voice changer? how had you not noticed that his laugh was way too beautiful to belong to anyone but mark? how had you not connected the dots earlier? every time he said one of the silly things he could come up with, every time he made the hand gestures you had seen him do so many times without the mask on. every time that he had made your heart flutter like only one person had ever done.

mark fucking lee.

“you okay there, yn?” the too robotic sounding voice asked as the man in front of you, mark, tilted his head in curiosity.

“yeah, sorry, i zoned out” you chuckled “but go on, i’m paying attention now” you urged. you had never thanked your mother so much for making you take those drama classes when you were younger more than in that moment.

“don’t worry, i was just saying that the chocolate ice cream there is bomb…” he continued talking, immersed in his own world to notice the way your lips quivered upwards as you watched him.

click.

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© peterm4rker, 2024

[haikyu-mp4]

The Snowball Fight

word count; 818 – f!reader, part 2 of this

"I'm so sorry, Bo. I don't know if I can take another step.” You breathed heavily, leaning your hands on your knees. You two had been jogging for a few kilometres, and your legs were already complaining. Although the sudden nickname flustered Bokuto, he wordlessly trotted over and squatted in front of you. Weirdly enough, no part of him was annoyed at your tiredness. Probably because he enjoyed your company so much, but he wouldn't say that out loud.

"Jump on," he encouraged with a glance over his shoulder. You were the flustered one now, shocked at his offer but nowhere near declining it. Jumping on his back, he grabbed under your thighs when your hands hung around his shoulders. The rest of the way consisted of Bokuto walking with long strides, deciding not to speed up too much with you on his back. Very distractingly, you kept sending shivers down his spine by talking into his ear, asking questions about this or that. He would take the questions way too seriously, giving unexpectedly long answers, but you enjoyed that even more.

Because you were suddenly closer to his height, you noticed that he was wearing the scrunchie you lent him the day before. The detail made your smile broaden, and you hugged him just a little tighter.

Konoha was walking from the store after getting some breakfast and almost dropped his tote bag when he saw Bokuto carrying around a woman on his back. He quickly yelled and waved you over. "Kotaro!"

"Huh?" Bokuto was surprised and almost dropped you to the ground. Fortunately, you caught your footing and stayed upright before following Bokuto to meet Konoha halfway.

"I don't think I've met you before?" Konoha said, glancing at his old teammate with a look Bokuto hadn't seen before. "I'm Konoha," he immediately introduced himself, holding a hand out to you.

"Y/n, nice to meet you," you answered confidently.

"Beautiful name, where did you find her?"

Bokuto laughed nervously at Konoha’s blatant teasing. "Library,"

"Ah! You're the one who told him to draw his notes!" A light went off in his head, remembering that Bokuto told him about you the other day. This woman helped me even after I disturbed her studying. She must be very nice, then. She’s super nice. Cute, too. "The cute one."

You chuckled nervously this time. The cute one? "I only gave him the idea," you said, rejecting any credit.

"I bet he's grateful anyway." Konoha winked at his friend, not hiding the gesture from you at all.

"We should go now," Bokuto announced and pointed somewhere behind him.

"Sure, but I expect that you'll tell me next time you're taking her on a date." Konoha dropped that last bomb before walking away with an amused smirk when his friend started laughing nervously once again.

"He's weird." Bokuto looked down at you, and you smiled at each other with warm cheeks.

"Did you tell him I'm cute?" You decided to take advantage of the situation, loving how the man laughed nervously when he was embarrassed. I'm smitten.

"We should jog from here, so we're not late for class," he stated, trying to avoid the topic and jogging away from you. You stopped without him noticing and picked up a chunk of snow, forming it into a ball. Throwing it at his back with a mischievous smile, you laughed as it hit him square between his shoulders, some of it probably going down the neck of his shirt. He stopped abruptly, and when he turned around the look on his face had changed. This meant war.

Bokuto quickly made a snowball and threw it at your back when you ran away. The snowball fight didn't cease soon, and you both learned how competitive the other one was the hard way. You were running around and getting closer and closer to each other for the more fatal attacks. Cold snow melted on the skin under your clothes, and your chest heaved with both laughter and exhaustion. Bokuto finally ended it by tackling you into the pile of snow beside the road. Your breaths came out as smokey clouds, and you looked at each other with admiration.

"You win, Bo." Your voice was low and tickled his spine with sparks. The words gave him a sudden bolt of confidence.

"Maybe we should go out for real sometime," he suggested. The words shocked you, and a smile split your cheeks as you rested your head on the snow.

"I would love that."

"Cool. I really should go now, though, or I'll miss class." You looked at your watch and took Bokuto’s hand so he could pull you up.

"Go on, I'll text you." Blowing him a kiss, he stumbled but caught himself before turning and jogging away from you. That was smooth, Bokuto, real smooth.

"Bye, y/n!" He yelled over his shoulder.

"Bye, Bo!"

The Schoolyear Series ║ masterlist

[tpwk-formula1]

heyy, may i have a gluten-free pizza with red sauce (teammates maybe..?) (rivals since the lower categories, since childhood, mainly because the reader is a woman and would win from liam)

Served by liam lawson

For toppings i'll have: tomatoes, buffalo chicken, gorgonzola and parmesan cheese, meatball, pulled pork, anchovies, sweet onions buratta, fontina, kielbasa and turkey meatballs

For drinking i'll have: coke, sprite, dr pepper, pepsi(r!receiving), diet pepsi, white claw, truly, vodka redbull, and mojitoooo (liam doesn't know) (its female!reader by the way)

Yes for dessert!!

I know it's a lot, so you can use just a few of then, i sent several just so you could choose whatever you'd like!!

Feel free to decline if you do not like what I have suggested!

(Sorry if I wrote something wrong, English is not my first language!)

-🐝

Liam Lawson x Fem!reader

AN: I definitely went a little off script and I also had to take a few of the prompts out otherwise the entire dialogue would be the prompts or it would be VERY long... I did my best to involved as many of the kinks as I could and I kept the general Virgin! reader thoughts!

I in good faith could not have Liam roughly fucking a girl who is a virgin who is clearly not enjoying herself sobbing, so I did kind of change that part!

TW: protected sex, rough, toys, multiple orgasms, slight spanking, rivals

WC: 2.2K

gluten free rivals red sauce rough sex tomatoes "Do you enjoy pissing me off?" buffalo chicken "Such a fucking crybaby, just fucking take it all" gorgonzola "Are you always this fucking loud?" parmesan "Awe... did that hurt? Tuff luck I'm gonna do it again" meatball "Why do you always have to complain?" pulled pork "God, I love when I fuck the attitude out of you" anchovies "How are you already drenched" sweet onions "Are you done complaining?" buratta "How many was that? three... I think you can give me another" fontina "wipe that fucking smirk off your face" kielbasa "A preschooler is better behaved than you are" turkey meatballs “Stop crying, I’m far from done” coke spanking sprite size kink dr pepper dirty talk pepsi oral kink diet pepsi biting white claw crying truly belly bulge vodka red bull squirting mojito loss of virginity dessert yes served by Liam Lawson

Y/N POV

"Do you enjoy pissing me off?" I hear Liam ask as I'm walking out of my first official Redbull meeting. After Max announced he was expecting his first child Christian Horner called me up and we started talking about the possibility of me joining the team sooner than planned.

"Lawson, what the fuck are you complaing about now?" I sign turning my full attention to the blond man in front of me.

"Are you kidding me? You're my new fucking teammate and I find out with the rest of the world? Why didn't you tell me?" He asks making me laugh slightly.

"Lawson, I've been driving with RB for the past two years, I feel like you could have used your brain to realize I was probably gonna be the replacement," I say with an eye roll.

"God, you always have the worst fucking attitude," Liam says with an eye roll making me shake my head.

"Are you done complaining? Cause last I checked I have never and will never owe you jack shit. Next time redirect your pissy attitude to someone who gives a fuck." I say with a finale tone before walking towards my car.

It's only been a few days when I hear a knock at my hotel door. The whole Red Bull team was staying near the factory due to the season being so close and needing to make sure we where all accessable at any moment.

When I open the door I see the last person I'm expecting to see.

"What do you need Lawson?" I question while keeping the door mostly closed.

"You haven't been answering the group chat so Christian wanted me to check in on you and make sure you settled in okay," Liam tells me with a straight voice.

"Well, you see me. I'm clearly fine," I saw while trying to close the door but Liam being the pest that he is pushes it open.

Given I was staying in a standard hotel room not feeling the need to have some massive penthouse for a hotel room I know it takes Liam little to no time to see the vibrator sitting on my bed.

"Oh! This is what you've been doing. I'll be sure to report back to Christian," Liam says laughing with a smirk while eyeing the pink vibrator.

"Liam, please," I say why trying to push the door closed. While I may be stronger than the average 5'9 man Liam being an athlete on the same workout plan as me was no match. Liam happily invites himself into my room making his way towards my bed with a smirk plastered on his face.

I just groan and close the door before anyone who could be in the hallway can see Red Bulls newest drivers fights.

"Liam, wipe that fucking smirk off your face before I slap you," I say calmly but with a bitter undertone. I watch Liam turn slowly towards me before walking towards me. Like a scene out of any movie I start backing up until my back hits the door.

"Liam, this is by far one of the most embassiring moments of my life, I would like for it to end sooner rather than later," I say weakly.

"Oh come on sweetheart, if you need to cum so bad let me help you," Liam says with a smirk making my face completely fall.

"Wh-what?" I ask in a soft stutter.

"Oh, please. Don't act like you've never thought about this. How good all our tension could be between the sheets," Liam whispers softly into the shell of my ear making my breath hitch slightly.

"Liam, this is so weird," I say in a matching whisper before laughing softly at the whole situation. I notice sometime in my soft laughing fit my hands landed on Liam's sides and my fingers where softly pressing into the fabric of his shirt.

"Sorry," I say softly pulling hands away which only has Liam grabbing both of my wrists and pinning them against the door.

"Tell me to stop," Liam says with his mouth hovering over mine. I just stare up into his eyes before letting them drop to his lips. He's impossible close and while I thought I hated him, I don't think I've ever been this turned on in my entire life.

"Goddamn it Y/N tell me to fucking stop!" Liam says this time in a bit of a louder and firmer voice making me clench my thighs a bit tighter.

"No," I reply softly and not a second later Liam's lips were on mine in a bruising force.

"Fuck," I whimper out when Liam pulls away to catch our breathes.

"Come on," Liam says roughly pulling my body towards him and dragging me towards the bed.

"I bet I can make you cum better than this stupid thing," Liam says with a scoff falling from his lips.

Liam has me pushed onto the bed spreading my legs where he can finally see this whole time I was just in a large shirt clearly having been thrown on in a hurry to try and cover what I had previously been doing.

I can feel Liam's eyes racking my body and while normally it was make me uncomfortable being seen in such a compromising position under Liam's gaxe I can't help but feel slightly giddy.

"But first, I'm gonna remind you what cumming from this feels like," Liam says flipping the vibrator on and wasting no time in placing it on my already throbbing clit.

"Oh fuck," I whimper throwing my head back and arching slightly. I don't think my vibrator has ever felt this good and I know he's still only on the first speed setting.

Liam hits the + bottom a few times turning the speed up making me cry out even louder.

"Fuck! Liam slow it down!" I cry feeling my orgasm building up at an embarrassingly fast pace.

"Are you always this fucking loud?" Liam asks with venom laced in his voice only making me whimper loudly.

Liam could tell I was close based on how loud I was getting which had him turning up the speed to full Max throwing me over the edge within moments.

"Shit! Fuck, Liam!" I cry out while continuing to feel wave after wave of my orgasm.

Liam wastes no time pulling the vibe off my clit, turning it off and throwing it somewhere in the room. Without giving me a second to come down from my previous orgasm he's attached his mouth to my clit while slipping a finger into my pussy.

"Fuck," I moan letting my eyes grow wide feeling myself be filled by just about anything for the first time. Liam picked up on my change and quickly pulled his mouth and fingers away from my soaked pussy.

"What? What happened? Are you okay?" Liam asks quickly searching my eyes for answers. I can feel my cheeks heat realize that I was going to have to be honest.

"I-uh shit, okay I've never done anything like this," I say softly hoping Liam picks up what I was putting down.

"Y/N what? You mean to tell me you've never been touched by a man?" Liam asks looking at me with a raised brow but I can still see a faint smirk playing on his lips. I shake my head too embarrassed to speak.

"I wish you would have said something, I would have came with a bit of a different approach," Liam admits clearly slightly embarrassed with himself.

"No! I'm a big girl, I would have told you no if I wanted you to stop, I liked it, and I liked when you started fingering me, it was just a new sensation," I sit up slightly trying to reassure him.

"Fuck, you're something else," Liam says slightly with a small laugh falling from his lips. I bring my hands up to his face pulling him in for another kiss.

"Don't change whatever plan you had for me," I mumble against his lips making a small chuckle leave his lips.

"I don't plan on it," Liam says while flipping me over by my hips and pulling me so I'm on all fours.

When I feel the slap land on my ass I can't help the loud whimper I let out.

"Ow! Liam!" I cry out only making him spank my ass again.

"That hurts Lawson," I say while trying to wiggle my hips away making him pull me back exactly where he wants me.

"Awe, did that hurts? Tuff cause I'm gonna do it again," Liam says before landing another slap on my ass.

I brace myself for another slap but I'm not prepared for him slipping his fingers into my drenched pussy making me whimper at the feeling once again.

When he finds my G-spot I instantly see stars making me grip the comforter tighter between my fingers.

"Fuck Liam," I moan feeling my tears start to streak down my face from the overwhelming feeling.

"I'm close," I moan out weakly.

"I can tell, cum for me," Liam says fingering me harder making me instantly let go and start squirting all over the bed.

"Oh fuck," I moan loudly while Liam continues to finger me through my orgasm.

"Holy shit, so fucking hot," Liam groans while I feel him stripping the rest of his clothes before he's flipping me back to my back so I'm facing him.

When I notice his pale chest I can't help but let my eyes fall down to his already hard and leaking cock.

"Fuck, I take it back, please go slow," I tell Liam when I notice his size is massive and far thicker than I ever thought was possible.

"I was planning on it," Liam says with a small chuckle.

"Do you have any protection?" I ask softly making Liam laugh before climbing off the bed to find his pants.

"I almost am always carrying one," Liam admits with his cheeks reddening in a blush.

"Slutty," I tease with a small lip falling from my lips.

Once the condom was rolled on Liam climbed back into bed and leans down pulling me in for another kiss.

While we are making out I barely notice Liam's tip teasing my clit but the second he starts pushing into me the grip I had on his shoulders only tightens while I whine into his mouth.

"God damn it! You're so fucking tight," Liam grunts as he slowly pushes into my pussy making me try to relax as much as possible.

Once he has fully filled my pussy he sits back slightly letting me adjust to his size.

"Move, please," I whimper slightly making Liam pulls back his hips just a little before slowly pushing back into me. He continued to slowly fucking my pussy allowing me to fully adjust to his thick size.

"Fuck, faster," I moan when the slight pain had turned fully into pleasure.

Liam starts fucking me at a bit of a faster pace making me arch my back and moan loudly feeling the most amount of pleasure I've ever had.

"Fuck so good," I moan out feeling the tears start once again making Liam look down and smirk at me.

"Fucking you so good you're crying," Liam says with a smirk speeding his thrusts up more making me see stars from how good he was fucking me.

"Fuck, harder," I moan letting my nails dig into the skin of his back leaving scratches behind.

Liam's thrusts pick up in pace and become harder making me feel my orgasm start to build once again.

"I'm gonna cum," I cry out once again.

"Cum for me, I'm fucking close," Liam groans leaning down and pulling in for another kiss and while he pulls away he slightly bites my lip, making me moan at the feeling.

I start cumming for a third time tonight triggering Liam to start cumming and filling up the cum.

"Fuck," Liam grunts as he sends one final thrust deep into my pussy.

Once we've both come down from our highs he softly slips out of my pussy before climbing out of bed. When he heads into the connected bathroom making me sit up slightly feeling the soreness already.

When I successfully make it into the bathroom I find Liam wetting a warm washcloth.

"Y/N what are you doing? I was coming back for you," Liam tells me with a soft smile while he approaches me quickly lifting me in his arms before he sets me down on the counter.

"You did good," Liam tells me while he softly starts wiping my body with the rag while he plants soft kisses on my shoulders.

"You were mid," I tease making Liam look up at me with a smirk.

"Wipe that smirk off your face," I saying rolling my eyes while taking a teasing swat at his cheek barely even grazing his skin before I grip his chin between my fingers and pull him in for another kiss.

"I still hate you," I say between kisses.

"You don't," Likam replies back with a small laugh.

Liam pulls me into his arms and carries me back in bed. Before he lays me on the bed he notices the soaked sheets.

"We're staying in my room," Liam whispers against my lips before helping me get dressed and helping me walk across the hall given my Shakey legs.

"Round 2?" I tease making Liam laugh and shake his head... We did end up having round 2.