#give heavy his ultimate man bod

[medicsbigburlychest]

how life feels after i see biblically accurate heavymedic art

[frogchiro]

Pervy!141 activates my horny braincell perfectly ✨ I bet Pervy!Soap is the worst out of all of them about hiding his pervy nature. Love him but that man has no shame about showing the reader and/or telling the reader how much he wants them 💀👌

I hc Soap with a scent kink, this man is stealing everything including the panties. I love the idea of pervy almost feral Soap so much ✨

Bold of you to assume that Foap even tries to hide his true nature💀 Specifically I'm thinking about 09 Soap :( Neil himself described him as a beast and I haven't been the same since </3

fem!reader, nsfw, 09 soap is a big big pervert, but I have a soft spot for him <3, mentions of possessive behavior, slight breeding kink

09 Soap who has the biggest scent kink; he's huge, heavy body all hairy and has a case of a dad bod in the making :( Strong muscles covered by a layer of fat and thick skin and a jungle of dark hair on his chest, belly and a nice thick happy trail, not to mention he's musky.

It's not that he smells bad or anything but he showers like 3 times a week and he's training day in day out in the sun so he's sweaty, musky and has a strong masculine smell :((

Puts you in a headlock to tease you because he's mean >:( Will laugh at your misery and your whining to 'please let me go captain :(' and will shamelessly thrust against you, try to angle his hips so that his cock is rubbing against your pussy. Since he's all nice and sweaty and musky he will rub his heavy scent all over you, his thick bicep against your neck as he grins and laughs into your ear, growls leaving his mouth as he feels his full achy balls twitch in his boxers which suddenly feel way too small. It's been so long since his balls have been emptied, only his hand to jerk off and recently your panties but they could never compare to the real thing.

With one arm still holding you in that merciless headlock the other one snaked under your shirt and roughly grabs your tit, the soft flesh feels like dough in his big hand and your answering keen when he rubs your nipples is answer enough.

Now Soap's worked up, horny and aggressive; he's been pent up for much too long and his hormones are raging, the need to breed and stuff you full of his fertile sperm is way too much too handle so he does the only logical thing and lifts you up to take you back to his quarters. Sure, he could have taken you then and there and he wouldn't give a shit but just the thought of someone looking at you as he's having his way with you is driving him insane.

You're his and that's final and he'll make sure that soon enough you'll be swollen with the ultimate claim of ownership <3

[asiantransformations]

Fountain of Change

James wasn't what you would necessarily call not good-looking. He had some muscles and he was generally cute to most. James' height was normal and his endowment was proportionate. Nothing too extravagant that made people want him. Generally, his self confidence was good, but the constant rejection by handsome guys in the country made him feel belittled. He wanted to be more and feel accepted in this toxic culture that is our society. this caused major depression is James' life. But what can he do? As much as he can gym and bulk, some things are out of anyone's control.

A friend mentioned that he should attempt to find the Fountain of Change. It had life-changing properties that can alter reality itself. The fountain will only reveal itself to those who truly want it and will work only once, so the desire must be absolute

James figured why not, let's give it a try. He prepared himself for the adventure. Just in case, prayed for guidance and set himself up for disappointment. Through hours and hours of searching the forest, he was going to give up until... He appeared.

Another guy that apparently was searching for the fountain. But he was everything James wanted to be. Buff, good-looking, and the ultimate package of all things awesome. His charismatic charm was enticing him to follow behind.

Eventually their distance distance grew, but James knew he was close when the water on the ground starting to shimmer with that hint of magic. Soon was lost where was that gorgeous man, but he found what he was searching for. The water glowed with magic. The atmosphere was light and free. Anything felt possible here.

Immediately shedding his clothing, eager with energy. Dipped his toes in. It felt inviting. Not long after, he fully stepped in and let his semi naked body absorb the water. It felt great.

The temperature was just right and it made feel so comfortable. Wondering if the legends were true and he pondered about all the things he wanted to become. Off to the side, the gorgeous guy that James saw beforehand, stepped into the water as well. And all his thoughts turned lustful while being focused on his Adonis bod.

Something triggered and instantly, James started to doze off. His head went underwater, but he realized that he didn't drown. As unconscious as he was, his body was changing. Gradually his body started to inflate with new muscle. His biceps and triceps expanding with newfound size as his back and chest started to broaden. Even his thighs and calves began to thicken significantly by the second. His upper body continued to broaden and expand, two mounds pecs grew in, and through relation causing his waist to grow thicker and his legs longer. But not as thick and long as his cock was going to be. Within a second, his cock inflated, going from an average 4 inch cock to an impressive 8 incher with some added girth and heavy balls to top it off. The level of testosterone was building within him to match the level of energy he was prepared to handle. James' body absorbed everything of the unknown man. His face changed to a cross between the two men, which made him both cute and handsome.

It was like something awoke within him as he rose from the water. Instinctively, James flexed his body only to reveal all the changes. Still sensitive as he explored his new body. He released a fresh load into the pond as thank you. It had felt like the bursting of a thousand suns relieved from his balls. The feeling caused him to be at peace.

It felt normal to him. As if this body was always his. The memories felt genuine and nothing was out of place. He continued to flex his new body, exerting a sense of dominance. Reality shifted around him, causing everyone he knew to remember him as his current self. The unknown guy seemingly ceased to exist as James' absolute desire was stronger. A fresh new start that he knew he deserved.

Wherever he went, he couldn't stop flexing and showing off his body. Life had just started again and everyone wanted a piece of him. James couldn't wait to spread his alpha seed as his newfound energy causes his testosterone and stamina to rise. He was limitless. The world was truly his and we are just living in it.

[notmuchtoconceal]

gosh, if i had a hot and muscular man bod, all i would do with it is be a nakedly manipulative lil slut who let the horny lil book of revelation bitch beast i was within run wild and wrap every man i could never have before around my finger, immediately dispensing with all my previously stated values and ethics, for working within the law of the good was only ever a pretense to maintain control over the chaste.

what i'd really like to do is spit in everyone's face by being the uttermost superficial charming fantasy version of the man they could ever want, then gradually -- over the course of months and weeks -- crush all their hopes, dreams, aspirations, faith in themselves and life -- to have them reduced to the nakedly mewling lil servile pups they are within, suckin at mama's teat while they labor under the delusion that they're suckin daddy's dick.

i want these thoroughly deluded gay boys who spurned me to know that their every torpid "androphilic" (the faggiest word which ever fagged~!) fantasy is a perversion of their true heterosexual longing! All men are straight, because the purpose of a man is to serve a woman! Woman is the ultimate reality. When you refuse to fuck her, you fuck yourself, for you save yourself only by fucking her. She is your redeemer. She is what you will become, for She is the image of the soul. She is the True Successor to the Son, for She is What He Chooses! She is the Vessel Through Which He Will Be Reborn. Her power is not reliant on his, for His Power is Merely the Extension of Her! Your primeval Father God (the Holy Androgyne) "spoke" and man and woman arose in primeval union with him? Why has Daddy always had a cunt? From whence does Daddy's massive cunt arise? The heterosexual man which you long to be is a dog utterly servile to the female he is within and without.

Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.

You got a boner from me whispering pussy in your ear. My big strong man hands are fondling your pecs and your boner and you're breathing heavy while I whisper pussy. You're so confused. This isn't something you're prepared to deal with right now. You're going to close this tab, go outside, make friends, and lie to yourself about being bisexual because you're not strong enough to flaunt your big swaggering half-gay mandick in public around all the incomplete straights and fags.

Don't you know that most people are brainwashed and stupid and constantly giving up responsibility anyway?

They want to be manipulated. They want to be manipulated by someone good, though. When you think about building a big strong man-body to hug small scared shivering gay boys, that is the exact opposite of the sentiment which was being humored when this dispatch opened. You're a much better man, focusing on earnestly gifting a paternal presence, not paternalism, to the young men you see. Their minds and souls desperate and in need of nourishment.

You've always been a good person. You can start acting like one anytime you wanted. Maybe you're attracted to evil, though. Evil is attractive? Why is evil attractive? Is Evil useful or beautiful?

Maybe being such a good person who can trust yourself to be yourself and be with others, you know what your own evil is best for better than other people do. Most people getting in your face are either weaklings or tyrants, so don't always feel being polite is mandatory.

Really, thinking of politeness as mandatory does a disservice to the true beauty of courtesy, which is a service constantly recalled out of the pure contemplation of value. While you shouldn't be letting a teacher or landlord beat you and call you a blood-sucking parasite as a pretense to shelter you or whatever, it puts a lot of otherwise irksome things in context, the dual-awareness that these systems are real, imaginary, flexible and rigid only in the mind of the mouse for which they designed ;; Yet nature possesses a primordial realness which can never be denied, only continuously negotiated or put out of mind. Honestly, if you're this sexually desirable, this open-minded, this courteous of the ideal and practical rights of others, and this earnestly consumed with the desire to know other people's souls, you should just fuck as many of them as possible, and seduction is always part manipulation.

Chances are people accusing you of being manipulative are either horny for you, projecting or both, so just --- remember. Remember who you really are, and what you used to do when fucking with people was what fed your sense of life. Some people think you're fucking with them now. They have no idea. They really have no idea. You sit down to talk in calm exposition and they think you're fucking with them. You'd actually be less menacing if you were fucking with them, since that's more familiar. I can't stress this enough. People want you to fuck with them. People don't want to learn. Or rather, they want you to teach them by touching them. School sucks. If you get touched at school, it's bad.

Touch them so that all of life is school, but they don't actually notice cause they're too busy gushing everywhere.

[gainingfiction]

Lifeguard Off Duty: Chapter 9

(Read Chapter 8 by gainerstories here)

Rather than risk ending up like a sitcom character with two dates to the dance, Bradley decided to roll a few of plans together into the ultimate evening of celebration. Jeremy and the boys from Muffin Tops would stop by his work happy hour at Michaela’s on Friday night. Peter would join him there, and they’d move onto their romantic dinner date afterwards: it had taken a little rearranging, but he’d managed to line everything up into a perfect stretch of hedonism.

After finishing up with the gym’s seated press on Thursday evening, Bradley decided to see if his workouts had done anything for his weight. He stepped off the scales, after clocking in at an eye-popping 324 pounds: a full 11 pounds heavier than he had been just a couple of weeks before. Had he been doing that much celebrating? 

“Hey, man. Can’t wait for tomorrow,��� came Jeremy’s voice from behind him.

“Hey, me neither,” Bradley said, turning to greet his gym buddy. He joked, “You trying to see the number?”

“Don’t need to. I can tell by your outfit that it’s still going up,” Jeremy laughed as he gave Bradley’s belly a gentle pat right around his exposed navel. It was Jeremy’s favourite running joke—not that Bradley ever ran anymore.

“Very funny,” Bradley grinned, as he turned to head out for the evening. After half an hour at 24 Hour Fitness, he couldn’t wait to eat whatever lavish spread Peter had come up with that day.

The next morning, Bradley had a spring in his very heavy step. He whistled as he soaped up the rolls and bulges of his colossal body in the shower, and hummed as he ran his towel along the sloping curves of his huge rear. He inhaled sharply to get his work shirt closed, and then inhaled the massive breakfast feast that Peter had cooked up for him: bacon, sausages, hash browns, syrupy pancakes, and buttery toast. Shirt buttons spreading apart as they fought to restrain his gut, Bradley heaved himself into his car and made his way to Muffin Tops.

After loading up on pastries for the day, Bradley headed to work. He greeted his friends in the recreation department before making his way to his own corner of city hall. As usual, Malcolm appeared with a huge plate of home cooking, followed shortly by Diane and Eric who wanted confirmation that Bradley wasn’t going to bail on drinks. By the time he left the office, he had eaten every crumb that had been put in front of him, but his mind was already wandering to the nachos and fries at Michaela’s.

The place was just starting to get lively when Bradley arrived. He plodded over to Eric and Wanda, who were standing by the bar. As soon as he arrived, Wanda placed a frothy mug of beer in his hand. She added, “Even if you work in another department now, I’m still the boss.”

“Of course,” Bradley said, feeling sincere. Wanda had done so much for him. He chatted with her for a while, digging in when a large platter of nachos appeared beside him. And when Diane appeared with an overloaded plate of fries, he allowed himself to be stolen away. He let his co-worker grab a few pats of his monster gut as he polished off the snacks, before turning to Eric and his boyfriend.

The one-time twinks looked completely overstuffed as they stood side-by-side, splitting well over 300 pounds of excess relationship weight between them. They were still fairly fashionable, but Bradley could see that they shared his struggles with fitting into clothes: buttons strained and cotton rode up to expose their mutual overindulgence. Ordering another beer, he chatted with both of them, realizing that they were as charming and fun as Eric’s social media profiles made them seem.

While Bradley was talking to them, he watched Peter arrive and slip effortlessly into a conversation with Malcolm and Wanda. Bradley realized that they had probably been going to Peter’s coffee cart for longer than he had. He admired the way Peter’s athletic-fit blazer flattered his lithe build, contrasting it to the massive men in front of him and the equally massive man he had become. As he chatted with Peter and Blake, he felt a distinct appreciation for the tattooed hunk in his life.

Bradley was pleased to see that Jeremy had met Hayden and Diego. Excusing himself, he made his way over to the two mountains of lard and the muscle-bound jock. “How are three of my favourite people?” he asked, when he arrived. He stifled a belch, before taking a swig of beer.

“Ah, I love fat Bradley,” Diego said to Jeremy and Hayden, as he clapped his loyal customer on the back. He turned to Bradley. “You were never this relaxed when we worked at the beach! But that’s all water under the bridge.”

Bradley flushed. “I guess I needed to walk a mile in your shoes.”

“Or waddle,” Hayden said. “And maybe not a full mile.”

The guys all laughed in response. Bradley noticed that Peter had joined the group. Patting the lower part of Bradley’s back, he joked, “This guy doesn’t even walk to the fridge anymore, he gets me to grab his beers for him.”

“That sounds like the life,” Hayden said, as the group laughed. “Diego, we need someone to bring us beers.”

“That could be a job for Jeremy,” Bradley said, giving his gym buddy a wink. Jeremy had been throwing himself at the blubber-bound bakery owners practically since he arrived.

The group chatted, and the beer flowed. After a while, Diego and Bradley got to reminiscing about their time at Thick Sands beach. Diego pulled out his phone, showing off an old picture of the two complete with sunglasses, smiles, and perfect abs. Bradley could barely remember what it felt like to be that small, and yet he’d been the beach babe-in-residence for years. If he tried to climb the lifeguard tower at his current size, he’d probably wreck the wooden ladder.

The time at Michaela’s flew by, with Bradley helping himself to the beer and bar food as his friends from work and beyond dropped by to congratulate him and talk. After what felt like no time, but what had really been hours, Peter arrived to remind Bradley of their dinner reservation. Draining his fourth beer, Bradley settled his tab and said goodbye.

“I was just chatting with Christian, the head lifeguard that replaced you. Looks like Wanda offered him your old job. He really is following in your footsteps,” Peter said, as they made their way out of the bar.

Bradley turned and looked at Christian, who was chatting with Wanda and Eric. He reminded Bradley of himself. With a smile, Bradley said, “If Wanda gives him the desk next to Eric, that might be in more ways than one.”

Outside, the air was cool and fresh. Side by side, Peter and Bradley walked to the end of the next block, to the small bistro that had come highly recommended. It was simply decorated, with sleek wooden furniture and a few rustic touches. The couple followed the hostess to their seat, and had a chance to look over the menu.

After a few moments, their waiter arrived with water. He was tall and thin, with a forgettable face. “My name is Justin, I’ll be taking care of you guys this evening,” he said. Justin was obviously gay, and he shot judgemental looks in Bradley’s direction as he spoke. Then, he turned to Peter with a smile. “Can I interest you in any drinks?”

“Yes, we’ll share a bottle of the house red,” Peter said. His face was blank. When the waiter took the drink menu and retreated, Peter rolled his eyes and Bradley chuckled. Apparently some guys still tried to deny the allure of the dad bod.

The pair chatted as they continued to weigh menu options. After a little while, the waiter reappeared to pour the wine and take their orders. After Peter ordered the white fish for his main course, it was Bradley’s turn to order.

“I’ll start with the fettucine alfredo, and then—”

“The fettucine alfredo is a main course,” Justin interrupted.

“I know. I’m gonna have it as an appetizer. And then for my main I’ll have the surf and turf, with an extra baked potato on the side,” Bradley said. He closed his menu. “Medium for the steak.”

With a glare in Bradley’s direction, the server clicked his pen and disappeared as the guys attempted to say thanks.

The two relaxed, drinking freely and swapping opinions about happy hour and whether Diego and Hayden would take Jeremy home. Peter painted quite a picture of the thick throuple that they were destined to become, and Bradley complimented his insight. Conversation was easy, moving from Peter’s family in Korea to Bradley’s high school diving career. Bradley slurped back the pasta, before tearing into his steak and lobster with gusto. Buttery potato and fried veggies disappeared into his vast gut. He felt increasingly stuffed, but he plowed forward. As they talked and ate, they (especially Bradley) finished the wine.

When the time came for dessert, Bradley couldn’t pass up the chocolate cheesecake. Peter tasted a spoonful, leaving Bradley to stuff himself with the rest. When the dessert plate was empty, Bradley excused himself to go to the washroom.

After relieving himself at the urinal, he paused in front of the mirror. No wonder Justin’s eyes had boggled as Bradley walked to the washroom: there were gaping spaces between the buttons of his shirt, revealing swathes of fat. And his gut looked massively round after a full day of stuffing himself stupid. Stifling a belch, Bradley plodded back across the restaurant.

Bradley pulled back his chair and slumped into it, ready to call for the cheque and take his boyfriend home. Except, as his giant rump made contact with the seat, he could feel something shifting. And as his bulging ass settled into place, Bradley heard a whining creak. A moment later, after a violent snap, Bradley’s big butt was on the floor, and he was surrounded by pieces of broken chair. Looking down, he realized that the two buttons straining over the fattest part of his gut had chosen that moment to give up, flying off under the pressure of Bradley’s behemoth belly.

“Holy shit, babe, are you okay?” Peter was at Bradley’s side in a flash.

“Fine,” Bradley said, feeling dazed. He felt embarrassed that part of his massive, hairy gut had been exposed to the cool air of the restaurant, made all the more embarrassing by every set of eyes bearing down on him. Peter’s shredded muscles bulging from the exertion, he helped Bradley to his feet.

By the time Bradley was standing, the manager had appeared. He was a middle-aged man, no more than 5’5” and skinny as a rail. Bradley’s gigantic frame absolutely dwarfed him. “Oh, my God. Are you alright? We are so sorry, sir, truly. Your meal is on us, of course. And let me write a note, your next meal will be on us, too.”

With nothing injured but his pride, Bradley certainly wasn’t going to turn down that offer.

By the time they got home, the couple was already laughing it off. “I really never thought I’d do something like that,” Bradley said, as he undid his remaining shirt buttons.

Planting his hands on Bradley’s sides, Peter traced the expanse of his lover’s thick gut. “You were just too much man for those shitty chairs.”

“Well it’s a good thing you’re man enough to handle me,” Bradley said, clapping the underside of his belly and making it shake, despite the overwhelming fullness.

The two made their way to the bedroom, Peter caressing Bradley’s bulging love handles as they walked. “You know, the first time I went to the beach here, I fantasized about getting rescued by the hunky lifeguard?” Peter said. “If you still have your old uniform around, I could go for some role-play.”

“Sounds great,” Bradley said. He ran a hand along Peter’s hip. “You know what? I have a feeling we’ll be rescuing each other for a long time to come.”

[malereblogmischief]

Be Careful Who You Fuck With

"Okay! Stop it that's enough. It hurts, and it's making me sick."

"Really, it's not supposed to." I smiled as I pressed the button. My boyfriend screamed in pain as, his body grew bigger. Hair started falling out of his head. He looked like he spent every hour of his life at the gym. He now had a body the screamed steroids.

The pain finally stopped, and my boyfriend looks at his new reflection, in a mirror I placed by the bed. "Come on..." he said in a deep voice. His body sweating from the pain and weak from exhaustion "you know I hate these roided out gym bros. Change me back. And, knock it off."

You see, I recently got a Chronivac. I was on the waiting list for years. I was going to surprise my boyfriend and we were supposed to live happily ever after. But, I caught him cheating. I knew he was bi but, I couldn't believe my eyes. Something felt off, so I crept in and I saw him fucking a little gay faggot on our bed. Without a word, I walked out. He didn't know I caught him in the act.

I spent hours heartbroken and crying. I was about to call him and confront him but, I saw the app. And my mind raced with revenge. I went back to our apartment and he was sitting playing video games, like nothing happened. I told him about the Chronivac and he was excited. But, I didn't tell him I would turn up the pain levels and sensations to the maximum level.

My boyfriend was good looking but, had an average type of body. He had some muscle but was a the starting phase of having a dad bod. So, I started small. I gave him a tattoo and he winced in pain. He liked it. Knowing it worked I went to the next step. Changing his body. First I was nice. I gave him the build of a professional soccer player, his favorite sport. I set the time for the changes to be complete in 5 minutes.

So for the next 5 minutes, he screamed out in pain. He arched his back and flexed every muscle in his body. He was squirming like the worm he was. Tears started rolling dowing his eyes. His breathing was getting heavy. "Stop it! Shut it down! It hurts! It's going to kill me!."

I looked at him concerned and worried. But, I knew it wouldn't kill him. "I can't stop it mid transformation." I said. Which was partly true

The pain stopped and I brought a mirror in. He examined his new body. "Damn, I look hot. But, I don't think I want to use the app again." He said. And before he could enjoy himself to much, I hit the randomize button.

"Oh, shit! I hit the randomize button, while trying to log out of the app." I lied. My boyfriend just looked at me with complete horror. And again another 5 minutes of pain. As all muscle melted from his body. And his youth left his body. Now infront of me was a man old enough to be my grandfather.

He looked himself in the mirror and almost had a heart attack. Before he could say anything, I yell "Oh my god! Here I'll revert the changes." But in reality I pressed the randomizer again. He looked at me "Wait let me catch my breath for a while." He said in his old raspy voice. But it was to late.

And another 5 minutes of pain went by. As soon as he was able to get a good look at his new body, I changed it again. This has been happening for the last 2 hours. By the 5th change, my boyfriend realized I was doing this on purpose. "Why are you doing this to me. STOP IT! I'll do anything you want." He plead at me for hours.

Now, he is a roided out gym bro. I looked at him and he seemed exhausted. It looked like he passed out. Now. I could move on to step two and make the ultimate revenge. So, I open up a new page and started working on my own avatar. I was too distracted that I completely forgot about my boyfriend.

I quickly heard the springs on the bed squeak. My boyfriend tried to be be sneaky. But, in his big muscled body that was an impossible task. He moved awkwardly trying to adjust to his body but, he was still fast. He was so close to tackling me down. With lightning speed, I clicked on his profile and pressed the massive weight gain button. I wasn't able to set a timer so, the changes happen instantly and with out pain. Suddenly a huge fat gut popped out of his ab filled torso. The new weight sent him falling to the floor. Layers of fat filled out his arms and legs. His pecs turn into saggy fat breast that sit on his stomach. He struggled as, he discovered he is to fat to pick himself off the floor. He looks up at me in defeat.

"What's wrong with you. I thought you loved me." He said. Tears rolling down his face.

"And, I thought you love me." I replied back. I went on both our profiles and pressed the transformation buttons. By boyfriend was in shock.

My body instantly transformed. I now looked exactly like my boyfriend after the first transformation. I had a good amount of muscle and looked like I could be a professional athlete. I also changed reality. Now, I have always been in this body. My boyfriend, also instantly changed. The fat melted of his body. He slowly stood up. His body was stick then. No sign of muscle. He was hairless. He now found himself a foot smaller than he use to be, as he look up at me in his perfected body.

He looked at his reflection. "Oh shit." He gasped. He looked exactly like the twink he cheated on me with. New memories filled his mind. He was now the twin brother of that other twink. And, I take turns fucking the both of them. "What this can't be true. Give me back my body. I'm a top. I'm supposed to be a alpha male." He squeaked.

I get my boyfriend and push him onto the bed. He tried to fight back but, fails miserably. I start taking off his clothes. "Not with that tiny dick." His face blushes. I unleash my new 8 inch dick and start shoving it in his ass. He gasped in pain and then moans in pleasure.

I start aggressively whispering in his ear. "Look, you little bitch. You are never gonna cheat on me again. You and your faggot brother are now mine. And, you will always remember that this body I'm fucking you with use to be yours. This cock going in and out of your ass use to be yours. Do you understand, faggot?"

"Yes sir, I am yours. You can fuck anyone you want. And I will be your loyal cum bucket and cock sucker." He says as we both moan. It feels like gallons of cum shoot out of my dick and fills his ass.

I pull out my dick. "Hey faggot. Lick my dick clean." My new little faggot starts sucking me off, as I relax in bed. I pick up the remote for the the video game he was playing earlier and, I resume playing. This is the life I thought to myself. I could sit here all day but, I do want to explore what my new body could do. Maybe, I'll go to the gym and find some chick to fuck. But, first I will let my little fagot enjoy his favorite cum flavored popsicles for a little while longer

[meghanayar]

The Lockdown Weight Loss Training Programme

The coronavirus lockdown has taught everyone different skills. Some have become culinary connoisseurs. Others, armchair philosophers. Quite a few people have bonded beautifully with family. Many others are dangerously close to murdering theirs. Essentially, most of us have morphed into cousins of who we were three months back.

Not me. I’m not one to go full Batman on a cosmically mandated vacation. In most matters, I remain as happily gauche as ever. For instance, I’m still a novice at chopping veggies. I think people who can peel karela* and shred cabbage deserve bravery awards, or at least a free Netflix subscription.

According to my mother, I am also an abject failure at the art of hanging laundry on the clothesline. I can never quite remember all her parameters – coloured ones in, whites out, heavy clothes in front, thin ones behind, trousers in corners, pockets hanging out, bedsheets in one balcony, office clothes in another – it is a science more complex than quantum physics, and I simply can’t seem to memorize its guiding principles.

What I am able to do perfectly though, is find opportunities for weight loss in the randomest of things. In that sense, my one big win during this lockdown has been discovering new ways to lose weight.

Most of these methods I wouldn’t normally have thought of, but then, twelve weeks of isolation do interesting things to the human brain. This post exists because I feel my wisdom is worth sharing with the world. We may have hit Unlock 1.0 here in India, but for all practical purposes, we are still under house arrest. In that sense, there is still plenty of scope for people to benefit from these life-altering realisations of mine.

Read on to learn how you can minimise your girth by maximising the lockdown.

1.      Nobody needs a fancy gym membership if they can summon a little creativity. For instance, while doing the dishes, keep the utensil basket an arm’s length away. This way, each time you rinse a vessel and reach out for the basket, you will be giving yourself an extensive arm workout. Bonus: if the menfolk refuse to help with chores, you could lure them saying the vessel-basket game will help them grow biceps (and if you’re a man reading this, don’t be an asshole – do your bit). 

2.      Want a perfectly trim tummy? Keep your laundry basket on the floor, bend down to pick each garment, and do a high jump when you land the garment on the clothesline. Bend, pick, aim, hop, repeat. Do this for twelve weeks and you will have Barbie’s waistline. Heck, you may even add an inch or two in height.

 3.      Pretend you are the Chairman of your housing society and that the idiot residents of the building will die without your scrutiny. Pace up and down the corridor of your floor for twenty minutes every day, while looking left and right, up and down in turns. Then repeat this exercise on the floor above, the floor below, and all the other floors of the building. In three months’ time, you will lose 20 kilos, your triple chin, and the motivation to donate your hard-earned money at the gym.

4.      Take charge of sweeping and mopping your house. If your family comprises as many women as mine, you are blessed. Your floor is likely to be covered with assorted hair strands – long, short, black, white, thick as wire, thin as my patience, and so on. If you try to sweep those pesky things off the floor, they will invariably get entangled with your broom, or worse, choke up your vacuum cleaner. Instead, bend down and scoop them up yourself, tying them up into neat little balls that you can gleefully toss out of the window into the bin. Then, throw your fancy new mop-with-a-handle away and pick up the traditional pochha** instead, going down on all fours à la Sakubai. Voila! In twelve weeks, you will grunt and groan your way to a Kardashian-style bum, minus any surgical intervention.

 5.      Most people turn to dumbbells and treadmills to lose weight, without realising that the most potent instrument of weight loss is, in fact, miniature humans. If you have children of your own, you already know this. But if not, I recommend this fool-proof exercise regime known as the Borrow-A-Kid method. If you don’t know whose kid to borrow, just put up a solicitation on Facebook. At least a dozen exasperated friends will rush to deposit the fruit of their loins at your doorstep. Once their children are yours to chase around, you will lose weight faster than Trump lost his conscience.

 6.      If you’re a teacher, motivational speaker, or just generally an Indian uncle, this must be a tough time for you. Considering that your life essentially revolves around giving advice, it must suck to have no one to enlighten. Well, this can be managed: just be your family’s official volunteer for grocery rounds. You will encounter quite a few people (the grocer, neighbours, security guards) en route, who might benefit from a sermon on how to safeguard against the virus. Not only will you get to disseminate gyaan like a guru, you will also burn your fair share of calories walking to the store and back. Two birds with one trip! Keep ‘em masks and gloves handy though, because the virus might be waiting to pounce on you.

 7.      If all else fails, pretend it’s Diwali. Replace the newspaper lining your cupboards. Clean the fans and tubelights. Air out the mattresses and rugs. Pull out your mum’s fancy crockery set – the one that belonged to her great-grand-mother and hasn’t been used in thirty years – and wipe each piece down with a muslin cloth. Toss your old soft toys into the washing machine. Round up all the sneakers that exist in the house, and clean one pair a day. If you’re a South Indian like me, you’re sure to have an ornate oil lamp made of brass. Those things get dull over time. Spend an hour looking at Buzzfeed videos on how to restore their glory, then pick up some ketchup / lemons / baking soda / whatever floats your boat, and get scrubbing. And if ALL of this doesn’t wear you out, ask the neighbours how you can be of help.

Come to think of it, the exodus of domestic help this lockdown, coupled with a total lack of things to do and the absence of Zomato, makes for the greatest Get-In-Shape moment in the history of modern civilisation. This is your chance – to prove yourself the ultimate domestic God(dess) while also growing the ultimate hot bod. Imagine the ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photo collage you’ll get to post on Instagram after all this is over. Heck, imagine the looks and hoots you’ll get when you walk out into the world 20 kilos leaner. Sounds delicious, eh?

Get going then. There is still enough time to join the revolution. *karela: An Indian vegetable, also referred to as bitter gourd

**pochha: A traditional mop used in India. You have to go down on your haunches to scrub the floor with this one. 

[bicoastalbip-blog]

EPISODE 1 RECAP

Welcome to season FIVE of Bachelor in Paradise! We are ready to attack this season from two coasts, simultaneously, armed with way too much wine and a hysterically apropos gif folder. For week one, we want to make sure everyone knows our cast of characters for this season, even if those characters turn out to be a major WHO, or Woefully Humdrum Occupant.

Tia:

A heavy hitter this season [read: someone the production will focus on for star power and sheer drama], Tia comes to Paradise on the coattails of dating Colton (from Becca's season) and stealing him away from the Bachelorette. In theory, anyway, since she hasn't made a move post-season, pre-Paradise. She is first on the beach, eventually starting a dialogue with anyone who will listen about her need to see Colton in Paradise. This is shaping up to be a very Ashley I. situation, and for anyone keeping track [Kevin], that could potentially be a good thing! Tia spends the entire first half of the episode awfully disappointed that Colton hasn’t dragged his gorilla knuckles down the sandy steps of Paradise in the time frame she was aiming for. When the producers ultimately dupe her with a date card, she chooses Chris. Tia wants "a serious relationship," and "something lasting," or at least that's what she tells the dude she's kissing right before Colton shows up. Colton eventually arrives the next day, and after artfully wasting his time pretending to talk to Kendall & Angela, swoops in on Tia and whisks her away on a yacht, during which time she rescinds her earlier, "Colton WHO?!"

Kendall:

An adorable ray of sunshine, far removed from the dead animal obsessive of Nick's season -- oh wait, she's discussing cemeteries and corpses with Grocery Store Joe. Old habits! Kendall tells the camera that "there's more to Kendall than just taxidermy and ukulele," and the editors cut to Kendall half naked in a yellow bikini, offering America the world. Kendall stays low key this episode, offering not-too-deep cuts and only slightly biting commentary throughout; she tells Joe sweet simplicities like, "I like talking to you," and, "Have you ever seen a dead body?" finally sealing the deal with a makeout session on a day bed while the producers lure Krystal away for an interview and then break the news to her.

Krystal:

Krystal is a blonde woman with whitened teeth and a fitness influencer on Instagram here to explain the "adversity" she has faced since appearing on Arie's season. In true editing reflection to Kendall's scene, Krystal says she has "a lot more to offer" while the camera pans over her bikini bod on the beach. She tells us that having a dog and knowing how to cook are the prerequisites for being a wife, which means that 70% of the men we know are going to be excellent wives. After a brief montage of Krystal's voice from the previous season, we're left wondering if she's woman who has just completed an orgasm and is rushing to meet the mailman, or, a white woman at a country club that has just crushed two Xanax into her morning Chardonnay. Krystal steals Joe away, much to Kendall's chagrin, and a fascinating conversation ensues as two white people discuss their heritage and bond over their exotic Norwegian backgrounds. Krystal licks her chops and moans, "Excellent," after finding out Joe is untainted and hasn't watched her season. She finishes off the episode in Kevin's arms, and they make out with the fervor and desperation of a man whose girlfriend has just left him for JARED and a woman who has had to adjust her voice several octaves to join this cast.

Wills:

The producers try their best to give Wills his moment of adorable redemption by putting him in various printed shirts and having him dance in a goofy way in a park.

Jordan:

Jordan whips out his slightly pudgy "model body" and declares that he's finally "in a place as beautiful as" him. He shows his relaxed, redemption ready side with a glass of white wine on his sofa whilst petting his cat. He slobbers over most of the women, including Annaliese, who doesn’t seem to mind the fact that he thinks chickens go, "Quack, quack." After multiple awkward silences with multiple women, his next victim is Nysha, whom he tells, "You only get this one life, right? You don't know where your soul or your energy is going to go after this." Nysha awkwardly agrees, and Jordan proceeds to tell her he wants to be a crab on the island. He later stirs drama by telling Chris that Colton is "a serpent" that he needs to cut the head off of, setting up next's week's storyline nicely.

Chelsea:

Our Klonopin mommy wanders down the Paradise steps with all the vigor of a woman sentenced to death, managing to say "hopeful" with all the hope of the string quartet aboard the Titanic. Chelsea spends the episode unobtrusively floating around, a human Xanax with eyes that beg you to end her suffering. She tells the producers, "I have no idea what I did to be here," followed by, "I am loving it," spoken with the cadence of someone who had to put their dog down today and then locked themselves out of their car. Chelsea's great contribution, however, is a brief dialogue with Nick that turns out to be the highlight of the episode.

Nick:

Nick starts out the ep by being a big WHO, and ends up in the hall of fame. He takes a drunken seat next  to untoasted Wonderbread slice and single mother Chelsea on the day bed, and pours out his soul. "You're fucking cool as shit." Chelsea tells him she's not making the first move.

"Chelsea's a snack. A woman that has a child doesn't really bother me at all." You're right, you could just ship it off to boarding school and then it wouldn't be a bother at all.

"I love moms and moms usually love me." For a man who has had exactly .3 seconds of air time, he's managed to fit in 90% of the episode's memorable quotes.

The producers rightfully question Nick's future parenting style. He tells them, "I think I would be a great role model," and follows it up with a huge guffaw. They ask him Chelsea's son's name and he cycles through "Joey," "Danny," "Johnny," and "Slippy," before landing on "Sammy." Fifth time's the charm. He tells Chelsea he has a "super weird attraction" to her and offers to walk her up "towards her area." After she gives him the slip, Nick laments that he's spent too much time putting in groundwork with Chelsea, and now he's "thumbing his own asshole." Chelsea's kid is gonna love this guy, especially after he uses Sammy's vintage baseball card collection as coasters for his Coors light.

Eric:

"It's miracle season!" Eric trills with 20% less enthusiasm than a year ago. He has several memorable moments with Tia, telling the producers that "she's got nice teeth, long hair, nice feet, nice body," which goes hand in hand with "I have a lot more to offer," since the women are judged almost strictly on their appearance and Instagram sponsorship-worthiness.

"I like your toes, is white your favourite colour?" is another loaded question, during which Eric mentions feet again while also questioning Tia's ethnic preference in a partner right out of the gate.

Annaliese:

Annaliese gets a flashback to Arie's season, and a new clip package where she lets us know her fears include: "the dog thing," sand, thunder, large bodies of water [all literally included on the notoriously stormy coast of Mexico she's headed to], class one recycled plastics, guys with red hair, sombreros, birds, AND,  the biggest thing that scares her, "not finding love." She cues the "Evan and Carly" buzzwords, a true love story for the ages that included Evan faking serious trauma and trapping Carly in a hot yurt. Annaliese tells the camera that she wants a ring, followed by marriage and babies. She seems as if she's not sure how the babies are made following the marriage, but is enthusiastic about finding out.

Chris:

Chris has a brief intro during which he feeds swans and compares himself to a goose, trying to convince the viewers that he's a goofy and fun loving weirdo and not an over perspiring sociopath. Following his date with Tia, Chris acts entirely proprietary, laughing as Nick says that Colton is getting "sloppy segundos," and generally being  misogynistic.

Colton:

Colton isn't exactly worth mentioning this episode, briefly shading Tia for being the reason that he had to leave Becca after he fell in love with her. She says she understands, and feels guilty, but doesn't exactly look guilty aboard a gorgeous yacht on a date with her best friend's ex. Colton is "here to figure his shit out," and Tia wants to give it a shot. They jump happily into shark infested waters together, but escape on a Jet Ski. That last one's only partially a metaphor.

David:

David is a "former chicken," who we strongly believe should hook up with Tiara the "chicken enthusiast" from Ben's season. David provides the producers with a clip package involving him living with his mom in Florida, where she waits on him hand and foot. "Unfortunately I can't marry my mom." No, David, but you can marry a similarly aged retiree in Boca Raton and keep living the same lifestyle you're accustomed to. David has beef with Jordan, but they shake hands and go their separate ways without the bloodbath everyone predicted would follow.

Kevin:

Kevin is wearing a firefighter outfit in his intro despite harboring the needlessly creepy glare of an arsonist who's girlfriend just left him for JARED. He shades Ashley I. hard, accusing her of cheating and not helping the relationship work. He's *yikes* 34, and has heard through "The Bachelor Grapevine" i.e. the entire internet, that his ex is engaged to JARED. Is Kevin into being dominated by "fit" Krystal? Between the arson and the masochism we have some deeply rooted trauma to dig up this season.

Joe:

Grocery store Joe was kicked off of Becca's season night one, and admits he only had himself to blame by being awkward and nervous. Shortly after, "Twitter blew up" and now he's on a rainbow ride to a pot of gold filled with hair gummy vitamins. Joe's low self confidence somehow makes him more charming, and Chris Harrison tells him not to "screw it up this time." He briefly speaks to Tia about Colton, saying "I like him, he's nice" with the same enthusiasm that Chelsea uses to approach just about everything. Joe sticks with Kendall throughout the episode, which we're big fans of.

Bibi:

Bibiana is a gorgeous ray of sunshine and has brought a multitude of bikinis for Paradise. She tries to add some humour to Chris Harrison's life by declaring that the bumpy SUV ride there was "more action than her uterus has seen in a while," but he doesn't take the bait. She also lets us know that she's waiting for her "hoohah" to send her a sign, and wishes the producers would blur her ass.

John:

Venmo John deserves love! He has convos on camera with multiple women, including Angela and Annaliese, but we here at Bi-Coastal BIP ship him hard with Astrid, who is pretty and safe.

Astrid:

Pretty-but-safe Astrid is back, keeping her catty screentime to the confessional and generally staying out of everyone's day whilst posing as a plastic Solo cup filled with lukewarm water.

Angela:

A WHO straight out of an eighties Dynasty episode.

Nysha:

A sweet but misguided WHO, getting points for letting everyone know she was "blink and you miss me" on Arie's season. Nysha decides to tell Jordan she believes in reincarnation and that her soul gets "transferred somewhere else."

Kenny:

Another fan fave that is back to try, try again, Kenny is now FORTY-SIX?! And still chose to dust off his dad flip flops and matching dad tank top. We meet his eleven year old daughter and pray that her friends don't make fun of her at school.

Preview thoughts:

This season's preview has us seeing Krystal with Kenny, Angela with Eric, Krystal and Jordan, Kevin & Astrid?!, Kendall & Leo,

Joe tells us he's falling in love with Kendall, and Leo calls him a "grocery store bitch." Kendall cries, David plots ruining Jordan's summer, Jenna shows up (WHO?), Shushanah faces some assholes calling her a witch and Euro trash, Tia and Colton shed tears, and Chris claims he's falling in love with Tia. Ben shows up to shout his one and only memorable line, "I am unlovable," Amanda makes an appearance in DiffEye shades that came straight from her Instagram, and unfortunately Arie/Lauren show up as well. Human mannequins Robby and Jordan square off, Raven reminds us that she had her first orgasm in Paradise, JARED proposes to Ashley I., Carly/Evan and Jade/Tanner show up with tots in tow, more tears are shed, fights are briefly glimpsed, and Chelsea misses a Xanax dose, sobbing and struggling to breathe in her confessional. See you guys Monday!

[kadobeclothing]

The Best Men’s Fragrances Of All Time

There are hundreds of great men’s fragrances, but truly iconic ones are a sniff out of the ordinary. Among all the amazing eaus, there are probably fewer than 50 (in fact, there’s 39, according to this list) that have survived fads and fashions to earn their place in the olfactory hall of fame.“Men often judge fragrances in the way they do cars,” says celebrated perfumer Azzi Glasser. “They want sophistication, but demand reliability and performance too.” In other words, while fancy flacons and big-budget marketing campaigns make an impact, ultimately, a scent survives because men keep coming back for another sniff.So, whether you’re a fragrance fresher looking for your first signature scent, a cologne junkie wanting to complete your collection or a significant other in search of the perfect gift, you could do a lot worse than to start with one of these – yes, we’re calling it – best men’s fragrances of all time.The History Of Men’s FragrancesAs anyone who has ever skipped a shower knows, it doesn’t take long before you need a scent to mask a manly funk. The ancient Egyptians, fathers of modern perfume, discovered this in around 3000 BC (how, we’d rather not know) and set about producing genderless concoctions made using fragrant plant materials and ingredients such as myrrh, jasmine and wine — some of which are still used today.Skipping over the whole mummification and communicating with the gods stuff, fragrances were further refined by Roman, Persian and Arab cultures, before reaching the Western world around the 14th century, where they became a signifier of wealth and power. King Louis XIV of France is said to have a different fragrance for every single day, while Queen Elizabeth I demanded all public places be scented since she could not tolerate bad smells (we’re with you on that one).French perfume house Caron is credited with launching the first scent aimed exclusively at men in 1934 and the fragrance industry as we know it today took off. “By the mid-1960s men were beginning to place more importance on scent, and ground-breaking fragrances like Dior’s Eau Sauvage emerged,” says perfumer and fragrance historian Roja Dove.Since then, each successive decade has seen new trends emerge, often in reaction to the ones that preceded them. From fougère (‘fern-like’) fragrances of the seventies, through the bombastic eighties, uber-light citrus nineties, smoky oud noughties, to the edible gourmand fragrances of today.The big question, of course, is what to wear – no easy task given the thousands of options to choose from. To provide the answer (or at least narrow the field), FashionBeans has compiled a definitive list of the best men’s fragrances of all time: scents that stand out due to their originality, popularity or sheer, uncompromising genius. Have a nose.The Best Men’s Fragrances Of All TimeQuick Jump: Citrusy & Fresh | Cool & Aquatic | Floral | Sexy & Spicy | Sweet & Sensual | Warm & Woody | Rich & Sensual | Crisp & Green | Fresh & Herbaceous | Expert TipsCitrusy & FreshClean, crisp and refreshing, with a timeless, understated elegance, citrus-based scents are the daytime workhorses of the fragrance cabinet, and their freshness makes them perfect for gym bags and summer holidays alike.Dior Eau SauvageReleased in 1966, Dior’s citrus-heavy Eau Sauvage was the first fragrance to use hedione – an ingredient with a jasmine aroma that scientists later discovered stimulates the brain’s release of sex hormones. More than 50 years on, it’s still considered one of the best men’s fragrances. “In my opinion, it’s one of the most important creations in the second half of the last century,” says Dove.  Buy Now: £76.00 for 100ml Acqua Di Parma ColoniaSubtle and deliciously fresh, Acqua di Parma Colonia may date back to 1916, but like a crisp Oxford shirt, it’s the very definition of a timeless classic. The art deco bottle echoes the fragrance’s deceptive simplicity, characterised by top notes of citrus, a complex heart and understatedly sensual woody base. A better daytime scent you’ll be hard-pushed to find.Buy Now: £102.00 for 100ml 4711 By Mäurer & Wirtz (Formerly Mülhens)“The most famous cologne in the world, 4711 is the quintessential summer brightener,” says fragrance blogger Stephan Matthews of the zesty 200-year-old scent. A blend of citrus notes, rosemary and wood, “it’s a must-have for any man’s work bag and, at an incredibly low price, can be spritzed with recklessness.”Buy Now: £13.47 for 100ml Chanel Allure Homme SportChanel Allure Homme Sport has the kind of trophy cabinet even Roger Federer would envy. A gym-bag favourite since 2004, it’s everything a good sports fragrance should be – superbly crisp, zingy and energetic, with just enough warmth and sensuality to take its wearer from locker room to late-night bar.Buy Now: £78.00 for 100ml Tom Ford Neroli PortofinoThe star of Tom Ford’s fragrance line, Neroli Portofino’s success lies in its ability to capture a summer’s day in the Italian Rivera and bottle it for use on a chilly day anywhere from Richmond to Reykjavík.“It takes a lot of classic materials [like Sicilian lemon, bergamot, lavender and amber] and combines them with interesting modern synthetics to create a contemporary take on a traditional masculine cologne,” says Dove. The fact that it looks handsome on the dresser is simply a bonus.Buy Now: £164.00 for 50ml Cool & AquaticClean, fresh and bracing, aquatic or marine fragrances emerged in the nineties and are characterised by an ingredient called calone, which has a melon-like wateriness to it. As a result, they’re ideal for when you want your scent to fly under the radar, such as in the office.Davidoff Cool WaterOne of the most famous aquatic fragrances, this classic from 1988 heralded a new (ahem) wave of fresh scents that swapped citrus notes for pine, mint and a sense of the sea. “Cool Water was a revolution in masculine perfumery,” says Dove. “It became one of the most influential and successful masculine fragrances of all time – and the blueprint for many imitations to this day.”Buy Now: £16.95 for 75ml Acqua di Gio Pour HommeLike Britpop, Armani’s most famous formulation might have had its heyday in the nineties but this light-yet-sensual best-seller from 1996 remains one of the best men’s fragrances around thanks to its freshness and sheer versatility. If you’re used to vanilla-heavy scents or oud fragrances, it’ll come as a breath of (sea spray-infused) fresh air.Buy Now: £74.00 for 100ml Issey Miyake L’Eau D’Issey“Designer Issey Miyake famously hated perfume and wanted to create something that smelt like water falling on clean skin,” says Lizzie Ostrom, author of Perfume: A Century Of Scents. “L’Eau D’Issey offers a thirst-quenching evocation of watery fruits and is famous for its bold use of calone.” Cool and refined, it’s the kind of fragrance you’d wear with a fine gauge roll neck.Buy Now: £49.41 for 125ml Dolce & Gabbana Light BlueAlthough citrusy with undertones of wood rather than typically aquatic, few men’s fragrances capture the spirit of summer quite like this award-winning number from 2007. Light and fresh, yet somewhat spicy, it’s perfect for holiday washbags. All you need to add is the tan, the white trunks and the David Gandy bod and you’re basically a walking ad campaign.Buy Now: £53.00 for 75ml FloralAlthough notes like rose, jasmine and violet are mainstays of men’s perfumery, fragrances that lead with them are rare – which makes wearing one all the more impactful. Perfect for confident types and those that like to defy convention.Dior HommeChallenging traditional notions of what a men’s fragrance should smell like, this daring, floral-heavy confection is the polar opposite of most mass-market offerings. “Decidedly feminine in style, smooth, powdery iris is warmed with lavender to create a delicate, yet suave scent that celebrates the softer side of being a man,” says award-winning fragrance expert Thomas Dunkley, founder of The Candy Perfume Boy blog.Buy Now: £52.00 for 50ml Caron Pour Un HommeSynonymous with a simpler, more gentlemanly time, Caron’s legendary lavender-based formulation from 1934 may be out of sync with the times, but it’s still widely regarded as one of the best men’s fragrances. The addition of vanilla, musky amber and cedarwood prevents it from smelling like your nan’s knicker drawer, and it’s one of Tom Ford’s favourite fragrances, so it can’t be bad.Buy Now: £48.00 for 75ml Eau d’HermesTo those that think genderless scents are something new, we raise you this forward-thinking, intentionally unisex creation from 1951. Citrusy and spicy, with a not-too-alienating floral heart, it’s the perfect example of a fragrance that swings both ways. “Someone who wears Eau d’Hermes always scores points amongst perfume connoisseurs,” says Bernard Roetzel, author of Gentleman: A Timeless Fashion.Buy Now: £88.00 for 100ml Byredo RodeoIf there’s one thing fragrances by niche perfume house Byredo never lack it’s a backstory. Unsurprisingly, the starting point for this unisex scent was the smell of the rodeo (minus the horse sweat and manure). Instead, it focuses on leather and suede while giving things a twist by throwing in a hefty dose of violet. Think metrosexual cowboy in touch with his emotions, and you’re halfway there.Buy Now: £150.00 for 50ml Calvin Klein CK OneIt’s impossible to compile a list of market-disrupting fragrances from the nineties without mentioning CK One and the androgynous young waifs who advertised it. “It offered the prospect of joining a tribe,” says Ostrom of the universally appealing citrus-but-floral-but-woody scent. “Everyone had become so accustomed to the division of ‘pour homme’ and ‘pour femme’ that a ‘pour both’ perfume seemed daring and terribly modern.”Buy Now: £59.00 for 200ml Sexy & SpicyMost scents that come across as sexy and spicy tend to be from the ‘oriental’ family of fragrances and go big on notes such as nutmeg, musk and jasmine. Punchy and sensual, they’re statement scents and perfect for evening wear.AramisOver 50 years old, the longevity of Aramis as a brand is matched only by its longevity on the skin. A rich and spicy ‘chypre’ — a family of perfumes comprising fresh, citrus notes with deep woody or mossy hints — its intense sensuality makes it a fragrance strictly for grown-ups. “Though it’s inspired a myriad of masculine creations over the years, no-one has created a better version of it,” says Dove.Buy Now: £69.00 for 110ml Viktor & Rolf SpicebombWhen the stars align for a fragrance launch as they did for Spicebomb (great ‘juice’; great name; great bottle) only timing can spoil its success. Luckily, this muscular creation from acclaimed nose Oliver Polge appeared just as robust, spicy fragrances were becoming popular. When it arrived, it arrived with a bang, popularising the use of saffron, pink pepper and cinnamon in numerous fragrances to come.Buy Now: £90.00 for 150ml Paco Rabanne 1 MillionLove it or loathe it Paco Rabanne 1 Million is a men’s fragrance phenomenon, with a bottle sold every five seconds. Now in its tenth year as a best-seller (a herculean feat in fragrance terms), this big, ballsy evening scent features a roll call of sensual notes – from narcotic rose and seductive amber to edible cinnamon and kinky leather. Fragrance experts are divided on how good a scent it truly is, but all are in awe of its incredible success.Buy Now: £55.85 for 100ml Yves Saint Laurent La Nuit De L’HommeIn the same way many great songs have multiple writers, three well-known noses (Anne Flipo, Pierre Wargnye and Dominique Ropion) worked on this contemporary classic from Yves Saint Laurent. Fantastically versatile, La Nuit De L’Homme opens with a big hit of bergamot and cardamom before mellowing into something altogether woodier and sweeter. As the name suggests, it’s ideal for any activity after dark.Buy Now: £78.00 for 100ml Calvin Klein ObsessionWith more than 100 new fragrances launched each year, according to market analysts at Euromonitor, holding a space on the bathroom shelf for more than 25 years is no mean feat. That’s exactly what Calvin Klein has done with Obsession, a potent, spicy powerhouse of a fragrance, famed for its longevity in every way.Buy Now: £22.00 for 125ml Sweet & Sensual‘Gourmand’ fragrances are characterised by almost edible notes of foodie favourites like vanilla, cinnamon and chocolate. Associated with the pleasure of eating, they’re ideal for romantic dates. Just don’t overindulge, three sprays at most are all you need.Thierry Mugler A*MenA*Men is a great example of ‘everything-but-the-kitchen-sink’ perfumery. “It’s a nineties superhero, all smooth-chested and steroid-fuelled, filled with just about every robust, manly material there is – lavender, mint, chocolate, coffee, caramel, patchouli, vanilla and tar,” says Dunkley. Thierry Mugler’s bold, alien-like smell is not for wallflowers, for sure, but then you don’t get anywhere in life by being a wallflower.Buy Now: £42.00 for 50ml Jean Paul Gaultier Le MaleTaking a chance on young and relatively inexperienced perfumer Francis Kurkdjian – now one of the world’s most acclaimed noses – French fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier came up with one of the most iconic men’s fragrances (and bottles) of all time. Heady and seductive, with notes of lavender, mint sandalwood and vanilla, it’s the perfect evening fragrance. “The scent of a generation, Le Male is the defining smell of metrosexual man and still smells as good today as it did then,” says Dunkley.Buy Now: £47.48 for 75ml L’Homme PradaReleased at a time when masculinity was in a state of flux, L’Homme Prada intentionally pits traditional masculine fougère notes like geranium and neroli against sweet, powdery iris – a note more commonly associated with female fragrances. The tension which results makes this a thoroughly modern scent that’s quirky but sexy.Buy Now: £74.50 for 100ml Joop! HommeIt may not have the kudos of Dior Homme or Eau Sauvage, but Joop! Homme is critical in men’s fragrance history. “It was one of the first global releases to liberate boys from the diktat that they should only wear ‘manly’ aromas,” says Ostrom. A woody-yet-floral formulation, with orange blossom, honeysuckle and a sweet, musky base, it’s delightfully challenging even today. “Years on, it’s still persuading men to embrace, without embarrassment, the irresistible smell of ‘pink’ while out with the boys.”Buy Now: £28.95 for 200ml Warm & WoodyWarm, masculine and versatile in equal parts, woody fragrances most commonly waft of sandalwood, cedarwood and agarwood (AKA oud). Tempered with lighter notes, they are surprisingly easy to wear and have become ubiquitous because of their almost universal appeal.Terre d’HermesLaunched just over a decade ago and a favourite amongst grooming experts, Terre d’Hermes, with its vegetal, woody and mineral notes of grapefruit, pink pepper, geranium, gunflint and vetiver, has become that rarest of things: a genuine contemporary classic that will continue to be talked about for years to come. Every man should give it a go.Buy Now: £78.00 for 100ml Dunhill IconA relative newcomer, this aromatic-woody and timelessly masculine scent is the work of Carlos Benaïm, a world-famous nose behind scents from the likes of Armani, Prada, Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren. “Opening with a burst of citrus and a nose-tingling grind of black pepper, Icon mellows into something fabulously nuzzleable on the skin,” says Jo Fairley, founder of online fragrance resource The Perfume Society. “It also happens to be housed in one of the coolest bottles ever.” Guaranteed to be a future classic.Buy Now: £84.00 for 100ml Boss BottledCreativity and originality might be traditional benchmarks for the best men’s fragrances, but popularity can also earn you a place in the olfactory hall of fame. Case in point: Boss Bottled, a blend of apple, bergamot, clove, vetiver and a trio of woods, which has proved so popular that over 60 million units have been sold since 1998. Despite countless updates, it’s also proof that you can’t top an original.Buy Now: £50.00 for 100ml Tom Ford Oud WoodTom Ford’s first foray into the world of rich, smoky oud came while the designer was working on M7 for Yves Saint Laurent – a critically-acclaimed fragrance that helped kick-start the trend for oud in the UK. Less overpowering and sexier than others in the market, this one under Ford’s own label is warm, masculine and has depth – everything you want from a woody scent.Buy Now: £164.00 for 50ml Rich & SensualFor times when you want to leave a long-lasting impression (for all the right reasons), reach for a fragrance big on leather, musk and patchouli to put sex and sensuality at the forefront. Overt they may be, but as they say – fortune favours the bold.Knize TenThe exact date Viennese tailoring firm Knize launched its famed leathery fragrance is hotly debated (for argument’s sake, let’s just settle for the early twenties), but what isn’t contested is its excellence. Rich and complex with base notes of musk, moss, vanilla and, of course, leather, it oozes hyper-masculine sensuality. One for old-school alpha males. “It’s simply sex in a bottle,” says Matthews.Buy Now: £65.94 for 125ml Guerlain JickyA favourite of Sean Connery, the legendary Jicky by Guerlain is often thought of as the OG of modern perfumes. Launched in 1889, its overt muskiness was considered shocking at the time, as was the use of synthetic materials like vanillin. “It was the first time fragrance would become sexual. No longer would its wearer smell of lemons or a bouquet of petunias,” says Dove. Though primarily viewed of as a women’s perfume, it has appealed to men since day dot.Buy Now: £112.00 for 100ml Givenchy GentlemanPatchouli has long been a staple of men’s fragrances thanks to its robust, long-lasting earthiness. Few handle it as adeptly as this 40-year-old classic from Givenchy. Modern interpretations abound, but it’s the original’s fail-safe combination of patchouli, vetiver, musk and a kicking leather accord, that make it one of the sexiest scents ever devised for men.Buy Now: £34.00 for 50ml Kiehl’s Original MuskGreat fragrances don’t have to come from huge perfume or fashion houses. Nor are they always all that well known, as is the case with this hidden unisex gem from Khiel’s. Floral, woody and (as the name suggests) intensely musky, it regularly pops up in ‘best fragrances for men’ lists. And you don’t need to huff it for long to see why. “Sensuous, disarming and with a sexiness that defies convention, Original Musk should come with a government health warning,” says Matthews.Buy Now: £42.00 for 50ml Crisp & GreenWhat constitutes a ‘green’ fragrance is oft-debated, but those that find their way into the category generally have a vegetal crispness to them. Think freshly cut leaves, shady woods or grass stains on your cricket whites.Creed Green Irish TweedCreed began life in 1760 as a London tailoring firm before becoming the perfume powerhouse it is today. A more than deserving stablemate to the brand’s best-selling scent, Aventus, Green Irish Tweed is a punchy evocation of cut grass, wild flowers and aromatic herbs, with fans as diverse as Prince Charles and George Clooney. “Virile and elegant, with a decent sexiness on the skin, it’s a true gentleman’s fragrance,” says perfume archivist James Craven.Buy Now: £230 for 100ml Dior FahrenheitFor an example of the kind of risks perfumers were taking with men’s fragrances in the eighties, look no further than Dior Fahrenheit. “It smells, pleasingly, like spilt petrol,” says Craven. “Imagine a luxury garage forecourt spiked with bitter limes, violet leaf and oranges.” Yeah, we know – shouldn’t work, but it does.Buy Now: £49.50 for 100ml Versace ErosIt took five years for Italian fashion behemoth Versace to come up with this punchy, in-your-face concoction of fresh, woody notes, underpinned by a combination of green apple and mint. But as the positive reviews show, it was worth the wait. “Eros is truly the DNA of the house of Versace,” said Donatella at the time of its launch. Smell it and see how true that is.Buy Now: £57.35 for 100ml Ralph Lauren PoloThe seventies is usually regarded as the decade that taste forgot, not so with Ralph Lauren’s first male fragrance offering. Startling because of its distinctive use of pine – a tricky note to get right if you don’t want the fragrance to smell like toilet cleaner – it’s been reformulated a couple of times since launch but still smells as fresh and original today as it did back then.Buy Now: £68.50 for 118ml Fresh & HerbaceousFougère scents (after the French word for ‘fern’) are usually built around notes of lavender, geranium and oakmoss, allowing them to resemble smells such as freshly mown hay. A mainstay of men’s fragrances thanks to their fresh and herbaceous ‘barbershop��� character, it’s also the most interpreted family, so expect many a variation on the theme.Old SpiceEasily one of the most iconic men’s fragrances of all time, and still a steady seller around the globe, the origins of Old Spice lie in DIY Bay Rum scents invented by pirates. Spicy but floral, its safe, good-for-dads reputation is what has led to it its longevity. “It’s precisely by being Mr Average that Old Spice has kept its grip on the public imagination,” says Ostrom. “If it were ever discontinued, there would be a public outcry.”Buy Now: £9.91 for 100ml Houbigant Fougère RoyalePatient zero of the fougère family, this lush, verdant creation from 1882 set the benchmark for all that have followed. “It was highly innovative at the time and made everyone long for the magic of the then-new chemical coumarin,” says Craven. As with many older fragrances, the original formula has been re-worked over the years, but it’s still worth a sniff.Buy Now: £130.00 for 100ml Mouchoir De Monsieur De GuerlainOften touted as one of the first fragrances created especially for men, Mouchoir de Monsieur from 1904 is one of a clutch of legendary fragrances. Essentially a fougère, it fuses citrus fruits, narcotic floral notes and woody, musky base to create a scent that’s deliciously dandy in nature. The name itself is French for ‘gentleman’s handkerchief’ — the preferred place to apply fragrance at the time.Buy Now: £86.00 for 100ml Tabac OriginalTo smell Tabac is like taking a spin in the olfactory equivalent of the Tardis and ending up in the era of Mad Men. Launched in 1959 by German company Mäurer & Wirtz, it’s as cheap as chips and a mainstay of backstreet chemists. Soapy and aromatic, with a touch of Old Spice DNA, it’s the epitome of a bygone era’s notion of ‘manly’.Buy Now: £7.87 for 100ml How To Choose The Right Fragrance For YouCounter assistants can help you; friends can help you; even disapproving looks from passersby can give a steer, but ultimately a man’s relationship with fragrance is so personal that only you can choose the right one for your personality.As with finding the perfect partner, it’s a process that involves patience, experimentation and, yes, a few regrettable flings. Helpfully, according to James Craven, a perfume archivist at London’s oldest independent perfumery, Les Senteurs, there are a few things that can help make the search easier.Fit For PurposeFragrance, like clothing, is largely contextual, working best when it perfectly suits the occasion. A light, citrus fragrance is perfect for work or warmer weather, while a black tie event demands something heavier and more complex. For a hot date, you’ll want to pull out all the stops with something earthy, sexy and musky.Dig DeeperTo narrow the field further, Craven suggests a little self-analysis. “If you don’t think about the inner you, you’ll never find the perfect signature scent.” It sounds odd to consider factors such as what textures and colours you prefer, but these are often reflected in your fragrance taste. For example, smoky ouds resemble dark colours whereas light, floral notes evoke brighter ideas.Trust Your InstinctsAs with other areas of style, the key is to follow your heart; not the crowd. “Shop on your own, when you are in the mood and don’t force things,” says Craven. “Wait for a fragrance that stirs and excites you. Scent is our last raw link with our animal origins, so search for it in an animal way. Trust your feelings and instinct.” Bottom line: follow your nose.Fragrance Tips From The ExpertsFragrance may be an art form but choosing the right one (and getting the most out of it when you do) is more of a science.To save you pouring money down the eau de toilet, here are five tips from the masters of musk (and other notes) to getting it right.Know Your NotesIn the same way it’s possible to blag your way through a wine list once you know about grapes, narrowing the field with fragrances is easier with a little prior research around notes, especially when looking for a scent with stamina.“Good lasters include tonka bean, tuberose, vanilla, amber, civet and musk; while spices, woods, and resins like myrrh, frankincense and benzoin are tenacious too,” says Craven.Being able to decipher which notes make up your current favourite scents can also help you seek out further ones you’re likely to love in the future.Stay HydratedHow long a fragrance sticks around for depends on many factors, not least its strength and the notes it features, but there is one simple thing you can do to maximise its staying power no matter what.According to Dove scents tend to last longer on well-hydrated skin, so in addition to drinking plenty of water, lather on a fragrance-free body moisturiser after showering to prep skin and eek out your olfactory efforts.Don’t Rush ThingsYou know what they say: act in haste, repent at leisure – something that’s especially true of fragrance, which can smell entirely different on a piece of card in a shop (or on someone else) than on you. So be patient.“Always test scents on your skin and allow yourself time to discover, not only what suits you but what other people respond to,” says Tony Glenville, author of Top To Toe: The Modern Man’s Guide To Grooming.This is because top notes reveal themselves in seconds, but base notes like sandalwood take several hours to emerge properly.Seek Out The StoryContrary to what some might think, perfumers don’t simply throw a cocktail of ingredients together and hope for the best (that’s a surefire way to end up with the fragrance equivalent of a dirty pint). Like songs, most scents are built around a story, and getting to know it and its creator’s aims can give your relationship with it a whole new depth.“When a fragrance has a story behind it, it makes it more real, more alive, more true,” says British perfumer Lyn Harris, founder of boutique fragrance house Miller Harris. “It gives you something more to connect with.” Apply RightIt’s a grooming mistake as old as fragrance itself: apply too much and you’ll leave everyone within a mile radius feeling like they’ve huffed glue.“To get the best effect, fragrance should be applied over the skin as a light mist,” says Dove, who warns against spraying too close to the skin as this can result in an overly-concentrated puddle. “Alternatively, apply some to the palm of the hand before wiping it over the upper body as this will help the fragrance affix to the skin better.” As for how much, Debrett’s Guide For The Modern Gentleman suggests applying no more than two to three squirts. None of them down your underwear. Source link

source https://www.kadobeclothing.store/the-best-mens-fragrances-of-all-time/