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atsadi-shenanigans · 9 months ago

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Feeding Alligators 39 - Girlboss

A wild Karlach appears!

On AO3.

Karlach, it turns out, is awesome. And not very far away. Y’all are following along a river, Wyll in the lead. Can’t hear shit over the rush of water, but Astarion’s nose suddenly wrinkles halfway through goading Wyll about hunting vampires.

“What’s on fire?” he says.

A shiver runs through Wyll just like a hunting hound on a scent. His entire being focuses ahead on the trail. Over a fallen log. Across to the other side.

Where a red woman bends double, her skin bathed in crackling flame.

Oh fuck.

Except when she lifts up (giant woman your brain says), she doesn’t lunge at y’all with her giant fuck off ax. She’s on fire, yes—torso and shoulders littered with scars and tattoos and what seems to be, are those fucking vents? Blasting out fire???

But her eyes (molten gold) are clear when she glances between y’all. Her thick lips pull into a cheery smile, revealing fangs galore.

But there ain’t nothing sinister in it. She’s confident, even a little self-deprecating as she addresses Wyll, but there’s an exuberance to her. Like a…like a big jock. Like a himbo, but with a big fuck off ax.

“Thought I’d shaken you for good,” she says. “That’ll teach me to underestimate you.”

Shadowheart stands closest to you. You lean over. “You getting any bad vibes from her at all?”

She frowns. “Vibes?”

“Feelings. Like, like intuition or whatever.”

But before Shadowheart can answer, the brainworm decides to throw itself at your optic nerve.

—air hot and reeking. Throat burns but you don’t stop, won’t stop, can’t stop. Impact shivers up your shins and judders all the way through you and it’s right fucking there. Bleeding nautiloid. Probably full of them squiddies, but anything’s better than this shithole and that fucking bitch—

“T’sk’va!” Lae’zel snarls. “Enough with these parasites!”

But Karlach looks up at y’all and her eyes are wide and bright. “You too? Aces! And you all saw that, right? So you know I’m telling the truth!”

“All I saw was evidence,” Wyll says and draws his rapier. “Proof you’re a devil, a gladiator in the archdevil Zariel’s army.”

“I can explain,” Karlach says. “But it’s a whole situation—”

Brainworms ain’t done this time. Y’all’s minds slam together—

Zariel’s servants in your way. Trying to stop you. You. As if they’ve got a shit’s chance. You slice through them like they’re nothing. You won’t be stopped. Not now, not so close to freedom—

You and Shadowheart stumble into each other, the both of you cradling y’all’s heads.

The rage and the desperation wash through you as familiar as the burn of vomit on the back of your throat. The running. The fear. Got to get out, got to get away, far away, they can’t ever catch me, can’t drag me back, won’t.

She was stolen. Taken (like you, who hid under the kitchen table when Mother and a strange man came into Grandpa’s house). Held by a wicked bitch and forced to fight.

She’s a victim.

“She’s trying to trick us,” Wyll says, voice tighter than usual. “Don’t believe her lies.”

You’ve only ever seen Wyll be kind and encouraging, sometimes grim and determined. You ain’t seen this on him, before. He wears his “fuck ‘em up” face, but there’s a crease in the brow. His posture sinks low, blade readied.

“Aw, come on,” Karlach says. “Look into my eyes, mate. I am not what you think I am. I never wanted to serve Zariel. I was conscripted, forced to fight and fight I did. I saw that ship come careening outta nowhere, and I took my opportunity. I’m finally home. Or near enough to it.”

“You served her,” Wyll says. “That’s enough to damn you!”

He still ain’t attacked. Still seems held back.

“Wyll,” you say. Wait for him to turn his head just enough to glance back at you. “I think she’s telling the truth.”

And Wyll really is the best of you. He don’t shout. Don’t charge. He keeps his weapon up, but he does look at her. Really looks at her. And his face pinches. At first, it looks like disgust. But it ain’t aimed at her, and it ain’t disgust at all. It’s…pain. Dread.

“You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re asking me to trust a devil,” he says. You remember the slight tremble that rolled through him when that clown Raphael burnt off his fake skin.

“Is she, though?” you say. “She ain’t nothing like the last devil we met. You see anything, Lae’zel?”

The gith stares at Karlach a moment, appraising. Then lifts an eyebrow. It seems…an awful lot like an innuendo, somehow?

“We both got creeped out by Raphael,” you say. “And ain’t neither of us getting that from her.”

“Listen to sense,” Karlach says. “I don’t want this to end bad for either of us, mate. You know monsters, right? Better than anyone. Can’t you see I’m not what you think?”

“Shit,” Wyll hisses (first time you ever heard the man swear). But he lowers his rapier. “You really are no devil, are you? I’ve…” His face falls. “I’ve been deceived.”

Karlach sags. “Thank the gods. I really didn’t want to have to take your head.”

And Wyll musters up a smile from whatever’s weighing on him to say, “You would have died in the attempt. But there’s been enough threats, today.”

“Truce then, hey?”

“Aye. Truce.”

Wyll says “aye.” That’s adorable.

Then Karlach’s gaze shifts past him to all of y’all. “So, who’re you lot?”

Aaand they look at you. Motherfuckers. You sigh. “I’m Eleanor.”

The others introduce themselves, and Karlach’s is bright when she smacks her fist into her other hand. “Right, so I got some of Zariel’s agents after me. Calling themselves paladins.”

You fucking called that phone.

You look to Shadowheart, who tips her head thoughtfully.

“The paladins of Tyr?” Gale says.

“That’s them, alright. Bunch of evil fuckers. Got into a scrape with ‘em earlier. Wiped the floor pretty good, but they got me back and I started overheating, so I had to back off a bit.”

Gale frowns. “They said you lead an attack on them. That you, well, that you slaughtered refugees.”

Karlach rolls her eyes. “Bet they said a lot—bet the mam was pregnant, too—but it’s all goblin shit. I hit them, hells yeah. But they were alone, and they tried to jump me first.”

“Tyr isn’t a god known for tolerating deceit,” Shadowheart says.

“They left a leg in front of their door,” you say. The sketchy way the others acted. The bodies lying everywhere.

“They’d just been attacked and heavily injured,” Gale says.

“And they left a fucking leg literally in front of their fucking door. Like, we had to step over it to get inside. Rushed or not, you don’t leave a fucking leg out in front of the door.”

Astarion squints thoughtfully. Doesn’t seem convinced. Not about the paladins, you suspect, but on the prospect of random body parts left out to bake in the sun on somebody’s porch.

Wyll frowns, a bit distant. Gale seems to consider it. Lae’zel just looks irritated.

“Listen, they’re a bunch of evil bastards who’ve been on my tail since I broke out and sprinted for that nautiloid,” Karlach says. “You’d be doing me and everyone else a favor taking them out. Fuckers don’t care about casualties.”

You remember the way the woman lurked in the kitchen. The halfling and her bow. Y’all were strangers, offering to help them, even, and that was their response.

And whose leg was on that porch? Them hyena things was eating the dead. Those bodies was just chopped up. As if somebody used a giant fuck off sword.

“I say we join forces,” you say. Lock gazes with Karlach. “Get these ticks off your backside before they can hurt anybody else.”

“Ch’k. This is not our fight,” Lae’zel says.

Karlach is huge. Height and girth and muscle. That ax is about as big as Shadowheart’s torso, and the woman keeps it perched like a little birdie on her shoulder.

“You a good fighter?” you say.

And when she grins—bearing all her fangs—the air around you seems to heat up. “One of the best, mate.”

To Lae’zel, “How about taking out those fuckheads so we can bring in another fighter to the squad? So you ain’t the only muscle?”

Lae’zel’s lips pull back in a hiss. You can almost sense the “I do not need help” before it comes.

“Mostly to cover my squishy ass,” you add. “Let you focus on splitting heads.”

She stares. Relaxes the approximate diameter of a human hair. “So be it.”

“It would be nice to have an additional frontliner,” Gale says. Catches your look. “I’m not exactly a hand-to-hand combatant.”

Shadowheart shrugs. Wyll still looks like he’s in pain, but he nods.

“You want us to join forces with a blood-stained killer?” Astarion says in the snootiest fucking tone you heard from the man. You can only stare, brain stuttering, tripping over the sheer hypocrisy. Then his face lights up. “Because I’m fine with that.”

This fucking guy.

“Yes!” Karlach says and does a little fist-bump dance. “Ah, this is gonna be aces! You and me, we’re gonna grab Faerun by the shorthairs!”

You don’t find people, like, sexually attractive. Not at first. Not until you know them better and a tiny switch flips in your brain and suddenly, randomly, oh. But as Karlach tiptoes across the fallen log to join y’all, as you have to crane your head back to look up at her with her golden eyes and soft lips and sharp grin, you reallllly start to question that fact about yourself.

“You’re…big,” you say.

“Ain’t I?” she says and flexes a bicep thicker than your head. The ground seems to tilt beneath your feet and holy shit, is she your type? Do you have a type now?

You manage to wrangle that thought together into something distantly related to coherent. You lift a hand to shake hers.

But Karlach don’t take your hand. She actually recoils, winces. “Eh, sorry, soldier. I burn hot. Like, hot hot. Can’t do any handshakes without burning your skin right off. Hugs neither. Or arm wrestling, or headlocks.”

Touch. She can’t touch nobody. That is so fucked up.

“But I can damn well smash some skulls!” she says, brightening.

You’re only marginally aware of Astarion watching you, gaze flicking between you and Karlach. You turn away to follow the others (totally not noticing the way Karlach’s clothes are leather and, like, strategically ripped), and so you don’t see his eyes narrow.

Previous - Index - Next Chapter

#feeding alligators fic #these two shitheads #bg3 #bg3 fic #astarion #astarion fic #tavstarion #astarion x tav #plus size tav #demisexual tav #slow burn #70k in and still slow burn #are y'all ready to be sexually frustrated???

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twig-gy · 1 year ago

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so the thing with the fic is it’s like. the only longfic i have left

the first one i tried to write was the cold you feel inside your lungs and you see. i had no plan. i had no idea what i was doing the whole entire time. so later i came back and morphed it into two. first there’s the one which kept orig title. this one is basically mind is alone but there’s no weird spiral thing he just goes through the normal grieving process and has to figure out how to live w/o heart and soul. and i kinda got stuck there bc grief is hard to write when you’re lucky enough to not have felt it. i might come back to it actually

the other half i split it into is what i call the social edition. so in this version mind has to live as whole and figure out how to society. i let him loose omg what will he do. the thing with that, though, is idk how to write social interaction. and also don’t know what he would be doing if i wanted to make the fic actually long. maybe i could try to make a oneshot out of it?

the next longfic is basically heart apathy and he is Really Trying to not feel anything or exist because of defense mechanism. i got stuck at a part and didn’t know how to continue though. that was more of a ventfic thing iirc

so the one i’m actually working on is the one that has the least of a title. basically mind finds heart doing [DATA EXPUNGED] and has to figure out like. how to exist with this new information/how to adjust their dynamic. (aka this incident [if you will] gives mind a more accurate view of heart, causes them to fix their relationship. in the long run ofc) so i’ve written a few parts with that and am tentatively optimistic about it not dying like every other project i’ve created in life. because i actually have a slight idea where i’m going? emphasis on slight. but yeah

so i finished the first part of that/probably the prologue which is mind sees the thing, and realizes that heart might not actually be gaslight/gatekeep/girlbossing his way through life. for more context, in this fic at least, heart doesn’t manipulate anyone. not really. it’s kinda a more heart-leaning thing because Heart Isn’t Faking His Emotions He’s Just Fucking Depressed Mind. i generally try to make it so they both have equal fault in the thing but in this one i could understand how mind seems like. more wrong. they still hate each other, they’re still argumentative, ofc heart is, it’s just mind has more misconceptions. well heart does too

heart thinks that mind is being logical to cover up that he’s just as fucked up as the rest of them. he pretends and pretends he’s better but he’s just the same. however, he sits on his throne, acting like he’s completely unbiased, even though he ain’t. that��s the main thing that heart’s angry about and he tries to ‘show mind the truth that he’s just as weak’.

Anyway the main thing about the fic will be them you know. trying to concord. trying to extend grace to each other. i am going to make them argue So So much like. they will slip up and it will take a lot for them to believe the other isn’t actually a malicious lil bastard. even when they’re trying this whole “”””try to think good of people”””” thing they’ll still have hiccups where they forget or are horribly quick to assume the worst.

but they will get better! because they are trying your honor. and mind will start it after some part of the truth is revealed and he concludes that maybe, Just maybe, heart is actually fucking depressed and not just trying to manipulate him. damn bitch this ain’t about you.

and then after soul notices the two of them are Not Fighting he’ll be very suspicious of them (ofc ofc) but tentatively try to interact with them a lil more. maybe they aren’t lost causes actually! maybe he can put some trust in them! maybe he can leave them alone for 5 seconds without them being at their throats! so with them concording he’ll talk to them more and more and actually try to be friends instead of…… whatever the fuck they have going on in cacophony.

fic is set just after shot/juno incident

hello i hope someone actually read that :) i have hope in this. i actually do. fr fr. so we’ll see ig

#i rant. a lot #:)#hopefully this doesn’t sound too trite or too much like canon #i mean no one’s really done an indepth how tf do they become not-enemies fic iirc

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nightguide · 9 months ago

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Long time no see, guys♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

HERES YOUR ASTRO WEEKLY, IM LINNA SHAHEEN ALSO KNOWN AS THE LADY BEHIND MY TWITTER ACC @sapphiresend AN IMMA DELIVER U THE TRUTH CUZ Y’ALL BE FCKED WITHOUT ME

ASTROLOGY WEEKLY 3/03/24

🌞 🌜JUPITER

Aries ☀️🌙 Jupiter

Just be okay with being who you are, Jupiter expands on who you are as a person but like the fiery sign that you are, expand your heart, dominant mars sign doesn’t back tf out, you need to be expressed as you dream of being cuz the nasty mf ain’t turning back soon, fight with fury if you have to, Taurean Jupiter says, ‘hey, just know you can always ask for more, you working heart to heart is only taking other people to win for your mercy so practice gratitude cuz a great summer spent with Aphrodite is spent with great heart’, rip em all out for the win Aries😘💋

Taurus ☀️🌙 Jupiter

Give em the glitz, give em the glamour cuz the radiant spotlight breaks the energy created for the world accumulated on your half, cuz what the actual fuck are you going to do with what you have already, spend time contemplating the world guiding to broken eras you changed into cuz the dawn of the earths breast-giver isn’t going to break corners soon enough for coronets to form crowns in your heart (this is pisces mercury for ‘if you lose the world then you have no chance in existing. Broken full stops doesn’t let you talk but broken full stops doesn’t make you lose a full fight cuz nobody talks back the way you do, just act like you know what you’re doing cuz the world ain’t literally ending, stop the Neo bullshit cuz probably the actor irl is facing severe trauma to the world he accidentally manipulated to nothing

Gemini ☀️🌙 Jupiter

Can’t talk to you rn cuz you’re probably the worst of the air signs rn to face the truth but probably you have to talk in broken english to understand a butterfly’s broken wings, you will make your heart cry and the last thing i want you to do is die

Cancer ☀️🌙 Jupiter

You can cry, it’s okay, 🙂 you can make your heart cry, you know you’re okay🥹🥹🥹

Leo ☀️🌙 Jupiter

You can lose in a fight but steam isn’t solid, be careful when you’re thinking too much cuz you’re more caveman than you are cuz a ball of fire is what leads you to getting burned

Virgo ☀️🌙 Jupiter

You have no idea how much you have the time of law of gravity of space time bullshit to understand the gravity of your heart cuz the motherfuckin sign likes to dance with no gun, like imagine a child going through a slow and gory death, yeah, that’s the condition of your heart rn. Think about that

Libra ☀️🌙 Jupiter

You can only be yourself as long as the world will continue to breathe but God fckin damn you if you want to play fight your cousins sixth keg of beer to forget the universe to lie awake in your aunty’s house the second day of your life to think what the hell is spectrum, like it’s a retarded disorder but get this, smoke weed and pretend that everything is okay, either that or hang out specifically with your air sign besties, they will stop your from zoning out into oblivion cuz God fucking damn you and your empty trying times that you forgot a forlorn conspiracy theory best friend who told you the world is going to cook AND YOU BELIEVED THEM??!? WHERE THE FUUCKK IS YOUR COMMON SENSE, LIKE YOUR HOMELY DREAMS ARE COMING UP MAD AND SUDDENLY THE WORLD WILL FRY INTO YOUR ICE CREAM SANDWICH BAKED AND FRIED INTO YESTERDAYS BURGER BASTARD ABOMINATION YOU SANG LAST NIGHT, LITTLE TOO LATE TO WATCH SAUSAGE PARTY WITHOUT GETTING TOLD OFF BY SETH ROGEN THAT YOU’RE THE REASON WHY ITS MADE, LIKE BITCH GET LAID

Scorpio ☀️🌙 Jupiter

‘Tell me what you want, what you like it’s okay, i can keep a secret, can, you’ but pretend you don’t have a partner to crush into, like how fckin amazing is ur life with them in it without them actively being in it, you’re literally crushing on them in real time and they notice you, girlboss, manifest, mansplain, man do, monkey ur shitty arse off if you’re in love and pretty much the vibe of that song here is your energy you would give to that God or Goddess or ‘if’ ‘it’ ze-zir homo ur in love with

Sagittarius ☀️🌙 Jupiter

THOTS, WAKE UR BIGGGGGGGGG TITTIES AN SHIT ON UR HEART U FORGOTTEN ASSLESS GODS

Capricorn ☀️🌙 Jupiter

🪐🪐💖🌼🤩👶🌌♓️💖♓️🌜👶👶🌙😭👶👶🥰👶😆👶😭🥲🥰👶💋👶🥲🌌🥲🥰💋😭👶🥰👶🤩♓️♓️♓️🌞🌺🌺🌌🌹👶😆

ITS A BEAUTIFUL DREAM, HAPPI SATURNIAN U R, YES U R😀😃👶 DONT WOWWY ABOUT TH FUTUR, YES U TOO 😃CUTE😃 TO EXIST, U 2 CUTE TO EXIST👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶

Aquarius ☀️🌙 Jupiter

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦💦

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌

♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️

👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

Mama is here, don’t worry😃☺️😊

Mama says u too cute, Mama says u r so lovd u r too cute, b urself🌟⭐️💫✨🥹🥰 i love u, byeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Pisces ☀️🌙 Jupiter

HI GUYS U R CUTE AND THE WORLD IS TOO BEAUTIFUL 4 U, HERE HAVE A FLOWER🌺 I LOVE YOU HONEY, SUGAR AN CUTE HEARTS TO HEARTBREAK

#astrology #the truth #love poetry #moon sign #jupiter #stargazing #i told you so #taylor swift #Spotify

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squeeegs · 2 years ago

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FUCK YEAH WE LOVE MISOGYNY IN CHINESE LITERATURE IT’S SO COOL

for women who ain’t shit- wait, no, that’s not right. for women who are shit? for women who are The Shit. yeah that’s better.

for women who are The Shit, there’s a wlw author of... not exactly wuxia? it’s more realism, warfare, and political maneuvering than anything, honestly, and i’m not thrilled with how the author handles her endings. But the plotting is fucking amazing and it’s got ladies beating the balls out of people!

sorry it’s not more traditionally xianxia/wuxia. i probably just don’t read enough to be honest haha. (actually jk snuck in an actual xianxia thing at the end because i felt bad for completely ignoring every single requirement of your prompt)

quick note: both deal heavily in crossdressing, feature a conflict between a Very Obviously Ancient Han Dynasty Analouge and a “vague northern nomadic ethnic minority,” and get very nitty gritty into the details of court life. if that’s not your thing then. oops. my bad. sorry, move along. BUT ANYWAY HERE IT GOES

女将军和长公主 - Female General and Eldest Princess (FGEP) || link || By 请君莫笑(Please Don't Laugh)

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Standard girl’s village gets slaughtered by northern nomads, girl fakes her brother’s identity to become a soldier, girl becomes a killing machine intent on bringing down as many tribesmen as possible, girl meets girl (who is the eldest princess of the realm), girl learns to love again kind of story. Very good! And then it does the Standard Chinese Webnovel thing of hitting you with Every Single Plot Twist Ever (even the ones that don’t make sense) until the entire ending section gets muddled, and then the actual ending was pretty unsatisfying and abrupt for me. But worth the read anyway, mostly because the main character could step on me tbh.

泾渭情殇 - Clear and Muddy Loss of Love (JWQS) || link || Also by 请君莫笑

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Standard girl's tribe (hey we’re on the other side of the border now. cool) gets slaughtered by southern Han-ethnic-group-analouge kingdom, girl swears vengeance against the entirety of the nation, girl infiltrates as a high ranking and capable government official, girl gets hit by an arranged marriage to the emperor’s daughter, girl falls in love and is torn between her heart and duty kind of story. Less hit people over head with sticks than FGEP, lot more court intrigue and drama. has a whole LOT of Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss. I mean it’s present in FGEP but JWQS is literally Just That All The Time. We do get some badass moments though, from both the leads. Unfortunately the plot twist ex machina also occurs here, with the sudden and unsatisfying end, but again 100% worth the read even if you dip out halfway.

ACTUAL XIANXIA:

魔尊也想知道 - Demon Venerable Also Wants to Know || link || By 青色羽翼 (Cyan Wings/Qing Se Yu Yi)

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Very very different. If you’ve read SVSSS, expect similar levels of meta, except all the meta is presented from a Watsonian point of view rather than Doyle’s. It’s about a standard mary-sue type cultivation novel, where the female lead gets treated like shit by her love interest, and a tragic ending occurs or something. the novel’s fans actually tend to like the demon character the best, because he’s dashing and kind, though he starts off cold (something something falls in love with female lead). in-universe the Actual demon king character gets his hands on the book, reads it, and basically goes “he would not fucking say that” shenanigans ensue. it’s funny. haven’t actually finished it yet but it’s been a hoot so far. more standard BL with strong, funny female characters that have agency and personality, so have fun with that!

btw does anyone want to recc some xianxia/wuxia things where the ladies don't suck. I need to see ladies beating the shit out of people.

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deadbeatdadjokes · 2 years ago

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Slow day. Left a comp notebook at my workstation w/ rough draft in it on accident bc I had to piss, come back to find my coworker reaching for it to “check the numbers” I’ve been “documenting” all day the devil works fast but I work faster bitch they’ll never locate your body if you don’t walk away this instant

#death does not come fast enough #speed I am speed #u ain’t stealing my shitty ideas no sir #deltarune adjacent #girlboss in the streets girl what the fuck is wrong with you in the sheets (of paper)#dumpster divin

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shamurph · 3 years ago

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tiktok sentence starters pt. 2

quotes taken from my liked tiktoks. some may be nsfw

‘ you know, men just don’t get lost at sea like they used to. those were the good old days. ‘

‘ it’s kinda fucked up we stopped doing show and tell right when it was getting good. i was five years old, i didn’t have anything to my name. ‘

‘ i swallowed shampoo. probably gonna die. smelled like fruit. that was a lie. ‘

‘ i have to show you something what i do. ‘

‘ girlboss? no. i am... girl entry level employee. i am girl valued member of the staff. i am... girl shift manager. boss is a lot of responsibility. ‘

‘ why do you think i haven’t gotten any sugar daddy requests? am i not hot enough? is it my personality? because i can change if that’s what the sugar daddies want. ‘

‘ damn it feels good to be a gangster? more like, damn it feels good to be a husband! i love my wife! ‘

‘ men stop sending dms after 10 pm. those hours are for girls with nose rings and bisexuals ONLY. ‘

‘ a dm from a man is like an NFT. worthless and i don’t wanna see it. ‘

�� okay, if i met a celebrity right now, i guarantee it’d be a cool experience. it’d be fun, it’d be interesting, you know, i’d shake their hand, i take a picture. i’d tell the story to my friends, whatever. it’d be cool. but if i met a fucking MUPPET? ‘

‘ the fact that my girlfriend is taller than me is not a fact at all. it doesn’t have to be. ‘

‘ i actually don’t believe that anyone can be 5′10″ that just doesn’t make sense. ‘

‘ i’m glad you asked because i have many hobbies. my first one is... eating. then my next one is putting in a ponytail. my third one is going (clicks tongue) and my fourth one is (starts laughing) ‘

‘ i don’t think women should be allowed to breastfeed in public not because women shouldn’t be able to do what they want, but because babies should not be allowed in public. ‘

‘ strong! willful! illiterate! those are three words that the olympic committee used to describe me before i was removed for biting. ‘

‘ to everyone telling me about your crush on me: now is not the time for me to love. i must focus on my fashion career. ‘

‘ i don’t know i feel like there’s something real poetic about holding a man by his waist like, you know what? you just might be my bitch, for real. ‘

‘ “i’m going to therapy starting monday” you should go to prison. ‘

‘ he’s gay but he has a special connection to classical music... there's many things that are interesting about him. ‘

‘ if you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy married. happiness comes from cats, not relationships. ‘

‘ stop being mad at me for not knowing the make and model of my car, okay? i do not go to a mechanic to be PEPPERED with questions. ‘

‘ look, i’m sorry i don’t much about cars. i’m sorry that sometimes you tell me to open the hood and i open the trunk. in my defense, pretty confusing. where’s an elephant trunk? in the front! and where are hoods? hoods are on the BACK of things. ‘

‘ who needs a girlfriend when you have a year long criterion subscription?

‘ i’m gonna do it but still, let’s have a little decorum, okay, let’s have a little respect. ‘

‘ everyone’s always like how big are your tits, never how are your big tits? ‘

‘ there is nothing wrong with being a grown man and needing a booster seat to drive. ‘

‘ i like noses. i like big noses. because... because you can kinda like... sit on them. ‘

‘ after eight years of dating, you’ll always be my boss baby. but i’d love to make you my queen julian. ‘

‘ you might not like it, but this is what the peak male athletic form looks like and there ain’t a fucking thing you can do about it. ‘

‘ acappella groups have found new and inventive ways of performing remotely. meanwhile, i found new and inventive ways of ignoring them. ‘

#rp meme #funny rp meme #inbox meme #ask meme #askbox #askbox meme #rp

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pensoluv · 3 years ago

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SAGAO AU work 2

Tw: yandere, cult, punishment, a bit of crack

You attempt to discipline your cult with various methods. “A very peculiar experience.” Albedo notes. (Gen z humour and vine references are included ehe.)

“RiSe AnD sHiNe, my lieges!” You stroll out to the front of your residence, and shout with a megaphone. You were lucky enough to have learnt a bit of craftsmanship recently, and you stayed up to make the device, with the scraps of ascension materials which your cult members had left behind. Now that you live together, you expect disciplined ‘disciples’. If you’re gonna have a cult, it’s gonna be a girlboss cult. If you have to hear Kaeya say you’re slacking off again, you’ll be snapping off a head soon. Figuratively. Maybe.

‘I sure hope they relish in my mercy now, before the sweetness passes. Some of them couldn’t even pick up their leftovers.’ you think.

The more sensible adults came as quickly as they could. As appreciation for their eagerness to do as you decree, you produce in-game skins, as in costumes, to change them from their pajamas/half-changed attires into. You revel in their surprise, and hope it’s pleasant for them.

“Good morning, Jean, Diluc, Ningguang, Zhongli. Albedo, Amber. Could you please get the rest of them? I’d rather see how wiling you all ’d be to obey me, rather than using my powers. Thank you.”

You smile warmly. As soon as they’ve fully processed what you’d asked of them (with their waking-up brains), they went back inside immediately.

While most of them respond with solemn responses, Amber returns the warmness with an enthusiastic “Yes ma’am/sir/lord!”.

The kids followed them out soon. The four kids (who were living with the rest of the members because they need caretakers) had decided to be good, so you might let them have extra treats afterwards. Also because you have been a nice elder sibling of sorts to them, albeit also being omnipotent. You let them sit nearby. As for Noelle and her peers, they were frantically dressing in their normal clothing. At least they’re trying!

The rest of them were either ignoring you, or legitimately fast asleep. Annoyed, you shout again. This time with the strength and with the annoyance you have had as someone who has been working with unruly bastards. Perhaps you’d been too lenient.

Once the team have wrung all of them away from their bedsheets, you decide to make them stand in the ‘military formation’, whatever that is. You’re not sure if your memory is rusty. It’s been a while. You finally announce your ‘evil plot’.

“Dearly detested mothertruckers, wakey wakey, it’s time fo skool!” You said in a semi-mocking tone as you look at the less obedient ones. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t pissed about the disrespect, especially after you’ve been super nice to them for the whole week. Heck, you started to make their breakfasts in the early mornings. Not today though. Time for retribution.

“You have 15 seconds to arrange yourselves in proper lines and formation in a rectangle. I ain’t got no sleep because of y’all, and if you don’t cooperate, y’all ain’t gon’ get no sleep because of me! Go!”

Kaeya, clearly messing with you, stubbornly stood there. “What are you going to do, Lord y/n?” He teased.

‘Icebridge dude’s getting cocky from his customised breakfast from yesterday.’ You caught on. ‘I’d make him go to Inazuma on a depressed Italian pizza instead of a boat if I could.’

You notice Zhongli about to get his spear out, and silently shook your head to him. He retreats his hand. Best geo archon indeed. You turn your gaze back to the peacock personified. He looks exactly like the smug blue parrot from Rio.

“Kaeya. I can control everything in this world, including your fellow cult members. If you don’t want to catch their hands,” ‘or deez nuts-’ “do as I say.” You glare at Kaeya. Before Kaeya can rebuke, Rosaria kicks him and he shuts up. For the moment anyway. You continue your speech.

“I’ll give you all 20 more seconds, in return for revoking Kaeya’s handmade breakfast privileges and afternoon sleep privileges for the week.” Kaeya suddenly falls to his knees, to everyone else’s surprise. ‘Oh? Are you falling for me?’ You know it’s not, and you know the exact reasons. Primarily from your adjustion of his in-game gravity. Partly because he has to mine and skip the resting time. ‘Good’, you muse. This isn’t the first time they’ve seen your powers, and it won’t be the last either.

“Since you have decided to creep me out with your recent stalking, unconsented pounces and lack of respecting boundaries, all of you have to choose one of these tasks to complete, after standing for 10 minutes. Popsicles and water/enslaved moisture are allowed, but no more. On to the tasks.

One, write fan fictions of yourselves. You have to do presentations like how I had to, when you all went crazy and tried to beat the living spirit out of me, when I first arrived. Yes I hold grudges because you haven’t completed your redemption arc properly yet.” You shoot a death stare at Raiden Shogun. The electro archon electrocuted you the hardest. “Xingqiu should understand what I mean. Ask Kokomi or Albedo if you have to. I will bonk you with Itto’s club if I have to.

Two, mine every ore nearby, and shout out the song I’ve taught Venti two days ago, as you mine. The almighty rickroll. Or you could wear a maid dress instead as you mine. No hiding under cloaks like Diluc’s. You will be mining with swords instead of claymores.

Third, apologise, to each other, to me, to the kids. Promise to never do anything without proper consent, unless you’re going to the bathroom. Swear on my name to follow my rules. If you fail, you’ll have to memorise all the trauma/lore I had to go through because of you all. You’ll have to recite it and identify the correct memes I will have shown you as I check your work. One mistake and you’ll have to fight a boss.

Every time I catch you do creepy stuff onwards, you’ll have to fight Dvalin, Andrius, and me at 10% power within 5 hours. You’re all getting passes this time because I still have silvers of hope for you all. Do you understand?”

You don’t wait for their replies because the kids are hungry and you’re gonna bringing them to have breakfast. It’s good that you let them go back to sleep just before making the adults responsible. If the punished have death wishes, they could come and challenge you. Your powers as their god/goddess has been fully rushed back within these few weeks, and you have no tolerance left. They will repent to their lord if they wish to be in your presence. Anyways, you should go get fresh a va ca dò s, croissants and other food items. As well as the snacks you mentally took notes to promise the kids with.

You decide that the first few more obedient ones get to slack off a bit in their tasks. Just because you feel bad. You’ll tell them in private later.

It’s tough being their god/goddess, huh.

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stimmingandstruggling · 2 years ago

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sorry tcw fandom but i’ve been a tcw blog long before i was a gonch blog and i’m autistic. anyways GONCHAROV CHARACTERS AS TCW SONGS FROM EACH ALBUM (i’m sorry mario enjoyers i just didn’t have enough ideas for him)

safe ship, harbored

goncharov: hole in the silver lining. the tragic hero, the bringer of his own doom.

andrey: ancient history. i thought of giving this one to gonch but idk dude, the Vibes just fit better. andrey has more of that bitterness you know?

katya: can’t have it all. i’m sorry queen i was pretty stuck for this one but yeah she is so valid and i choose to believe she simply cut everyone off and started over she isNOT dead

sofia: october. sofia my love. she makes me sad. she loved katya so much and. katya ilyt but damn.

ice pick joe: i ain’t done. this ALSO almost went to andrey! but yeah i really love his motives and storyline of this revenge against the system that hurt him and i think he deserves to be more evil actually

tfihwg

gonch: tongues and teeth. king of tragic doomed unhealthy relationships ig. also the gonchandrey was too good to pass up

andrey: steady, steady. primarily again because vibes. i just think he’s neat!! but also a doomed love because they cannot be free……

katya: the glacier house OR show your fangs. glacier house bc again “bundle up darling, you’re on your own now”, show your fangs bc shes a girlboss and i love when she kills people

sofia: shallow river i mean COME ON. sapphics. in love with a married woman. love but also bitterness at her betrayal. i just think she would silently cry to this

ip joe: strangler fig. again i just want him to go off ok? i am so proud of him for at least trying to escape this cycle of violence but also he deserves his revenge.

coyote stories

gonch: never love an anchor. tell me i’m wrong. tragic hero. this is just Right

andrey: allies or enemies. i’m sorry for being sexy and right and being obsessed with gonchandrey. but like….. his conflicting loyalties, u know

katya: metaphor. gaslight gatekeep girlboss. no i cannot trust her. i love her though

sofia: hard sell. i just think she deserves a good day. and a break.

ip joe: rockslide. i just think they’re neat ok

foxlore

gonch: can’t go back. i mean. fuck dude that’s the movie. he can’t escape from his past.

andrey: curses. gay tension. religious imagery. dying together. fuck!!!!!!

katya: ribs. aaaaaaa obsessed with her and her desperation for freedom and to finally be her own person apart from her shitty connections.

sofia: the garden. again i am simply gesturing wildly i think it is her!!!!!

ip joe: down the river. let him snap. more. please

#again tcw fandom i am sorry #but i have cried with y’all over these songs so now they get blorbos #unreality #goncharov #goncharov lore #andrey daddano #katya goncharov #sofia goncharov #ice pick joe #the crane wives

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lovelyo · 5 months ago

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You Can’t Spell Polin Without Colin

Let me be clear. This ain’t a Colin appreciation post. Colin is an entitled, selfish dweeb but even I can see from his POV.

And somehow the Polin fans who swear up and down they love him can’t.

“Colin is a bitch boy”

“Colin stayed mad at Penelope for too long”

“Where’s supportive husband Colin? Where’s Colin ‘My Wife’ Bridgerton?”

“He just needs to forgive her already, get over it!”

This is gonna be a long one.

“Colin is a bitch boy”

That’s a perfect way to invalidate a man’s feelings. Let’s rage about misogyny but talk shit about guys who has feelings 😒. How is he a bitch boy for being upset at someone he loves for lying to him for years, even before they came intimate and when they were just friends.

He was open and transparent with Penelope every step of the way, bared his heart to her, was vulnerable with her and was happy to see that what he wanted was right there in front of him… only for him to find out she’s LW, the person who has been dunking on him and his family, LW whom he loathed. He cried ffs when he found out. The reason that hurt the most wasn’t that she was LW, it’s that she lied to him. She didn't spare a thought that he needed to know about such secrecy i.e, not giving a shit about his feelings. It mirrored exactly what Marina did. (On top of that, he realized that it was her that sent Marina to her doom) She didn’t reciprocate that same vulnerability he did for her and by the end of the season, still chose LW over him and he just had to sit there and take it.

You wanna talk about men not giving a shit about women’s feelings but it’s alright for women to do the same for men in the name of “girlbossing” 🤢

Colin in 2 weeks simmered down about the hurt Penelope has caused him while it took Penelope several months to get over one comment he said about her, which isn’t even detrimental because COLIN DOESN’T OWE PENELOPE A GODDAMN THING! You can’t get mad at someone who doesn’t want to date you. Who do you think you are to even believe you have a claim to someone like they’re a possession. She ghosted him for months over this while he had and did get over lies, shame, and betrayal in, again, a small amount of time. Who’s the bigger whiny bitch?

“Colin stayed mad at Penelope for too long”

Staying mad for too long? He didn’t stay mad long enough! Please contextualize. This man has been in scheming scandals with the Featherington family since season 1 lol. People are forgetting the trauma that he got from the pregnancy scandal, mainly the embarrassment from it being exposed by LW and having the whole ton know his business, which is humiliating as fuck and made him look like a fool(this is why I keep telling you ding dongs to stop saying LW saved the Bridgertons, she did not!) He had to null the engagement with the diamond of the season.

The start of his hatred for LW started from season 1. Colin told Penelope that she should’ve told him to his face about the pregnancy.

“Aschually 🤓☝️, she did try.”

Actually, she did not.

She tried to hint that Marina was still in love with a soldier, not “hey, the misses you trying to spit game at is preggo.” So his friend, knowing this info, instead of telling him the proper information privately to his face as a fricking friend should, printed out his business.

And let’s play devil’s advocate. Ok, Pen told Colin about the pregnancy and Colin didn’t listen. In the same season, we saw Violet do damage control and spinning the rumor windmill to help her daughter get the fuck away from Berbrooke. Penelope knows how supportive and protective the Bridgertons are with each other and also knows how much they like her since she’s friends with Eloise and Colin. Violet would’ve definitely listened, told Colin, and stirred something up to aid the situation.

But nah.

So that happened plus before that scandal came out, LW mocked Daphne for her lack of suitors and said Marina was incomparable, not Daphne. And then the Eloise scandal, all because of LW. Three Bridgertons struck. Even Season 3, LW talked shit about Colin being fake, so Penelope embarrassed him in front of the ton twice. And of course, she had an excuse, “I just wanted the old Colin back!” So you embarrassing him in front of the ton was gonna make him sweet and kind again? 😬

The woman he loves belittled him twice and clearly stands by it 'cause she’s not giving up LW, just not writing it under anonymity. 'So imma acknowledge that I hurt you, the person I love, but I’m not gonna do anything to fix it, but I want you to still support and love me, regardless of what I do,' is essentially what she's saying.

What utter shit, and then we got Pen stans/Polin fans: “Stfu Colin, your angst is ruining my fantasy ship, go kiss, finger, and fuck Penelope already.”

Oh Christ. It’s like whoever doesn’t cater to Penelope deserves the noose.

“Where’s supportive husband Colin? Where’s Colin ‘My Wife’ Bridgerton?”

Where’s supportive wife Penelope? Where’s Penelope ‘I Love You’ Bridgerton? She has declared her love but hasn't really shown it throughout season 3. Show > Tell. Action > Words. With the lies told to him from past to current, this guy undoubtedly has trust issues. How can he believe her? We the viewers saw Pen Hilton pining after Colin through season 1 & 2, but Colin himself doesn't know that she liked him before then. He even said that he thought she wouldn't feel the same about him as he did about her. So when the feeling is finally mutual, Penelope just doesn't do much. It's like she tells him, "I love you" just so he can shut his fucking piehole.

We've seen, despite Colin being upset, him still loving her, wanting her and working through the pain so he can look at Penelope and not immediately think of LW.

"B-B-But, uh, the entrapment comment was too harsh!"

First off, you people act like you have never said mean things to someone out of anger during a fight.

Second, like how you guys say LW is harsh but tells the truth(which is a complete lie, but nothing surprises me anymore with this fandom) that comment was harsh, but he told the truth. She did trap him. While he did ruin her previous proposal, he did chase down her carriage, but right after he proposed, she blabbed to the whole ton the next morning about the engagement(this showed how much the Bridgertons are morons, but I digress). If anything happened, it’d be hard for him to back out without everyone knowing and questioning his honor. It’d be his second time cutting off an engagement and it’d be his 3rd time being humiliated.

He asked if she wanted to be intimate, she immediately said yes. Eloise told her to tell him even before they had sex, but she didn't. Penelope knew Colin hated LW but still agreed to sex before she told him. She didn't even tell him, he had to found out tailing her carriage! So screw you freaks, that comment was well needed for her ass. As said before, Colin has been duped by the Featherington family so him lashing out and saying that is him telling her, 'Prove to me you're not like Marina." (She isn't. She's worse).

"Book!Colin was more supportive!"

Of course he was; LW didn't hurt him, his family, or anyone else. LW wasn't vicious like she is in the show. When Book!Colin found out about LW, him and Penelope were still friends, they weren't engaged, they didn't have sex; Book!Colin didn't hate LW. He was just jelly that Penelope made a legacy own her and he was there still purposeless at age 33(something the show tried to emulate but fell flat in a pile of horse shit). The situation in the show is way worse than what it was in the book. Book!Colin would hate Show!Penelope.

Where was Penelope's support when she saw that he was emotionally damaged by the LW reveal? Where were her attempts to mend the drift when she saw that he wouldn't sleep with her in their marital bed? Where was the comfort when she saw him lying on the couch, mentally worn out? She just passed by him and even suggested leaving in separate carriages. She did not support him when he was at his lowest, his own wife. Now if the show showed Penelope trying to talk to Colin and comfort him and he responded, "Give me more time.”, then fine.

But that didn't happen. He had to be the one to fix the relationship when she was the reason he was depressed. He never considered giving up on her, clearly with him still marrying her and sleeping on the couch they screwed on right outside their room door where he could’ve slept in another room in that huge ass house. He wanted her to try and reconcile but Penelope gave him nothing.

But he’s being too sulky and not supportive enough though Penelope ain’t returning the favor.

We get drowned with LW drama with the Polin fans admonishing Colin for not being a proper pet to Penelope.

Isn't this show named Bridgerton? What in the fresh hell?

He chose her over his own pride, pain and emotions. Penelope didn't do the same but people want to act like Colin isn't supportive or barely supported her, when in a relationship, it goes both ways. His purpose shouldn't be to prop up Penelope but that's what the show limits him to, F his feelings, f his mental health, girlboss Penelope deserves her man and her HEA as if he's a reward or a consolation prize, not a person deeply hurt by someone he thought he knew.

“He just needs to forgive her already, get over it!”

Y'all are trash for this. After all what Penelope has done to him, you want him to get over it so quick so you can have more cringe romantic scenes and soulless sex scenes. It took Eloise a year to forgive Penelope(and it happened in the dumbest fashion, but that's another can of worms). Just because they're together doesn't mean a speedy recovery. Actually it's worse 'cause they are together. He even told Eloise that she’s lucky she’s never been in love; it hurt that much.

The fact he chose to stay is already a big step of him getting over it, but that’s not enough it seems. You want him to get over the hurt she did to him, the lies, the loss of his own agency ‘cause like it or not, Colin still wanted to marry Marina even after knowing the truth but Penelope took away his decision to ensure his availability for her. She embarrassed his family a good number of times. But hey, get over it Colin.

He’s second when it comes to Penelope. He asked this beotch to give up the gossip column, a thing that caused him and others pain throughout the years, to be with him, forget the past and start their new life together. Nope, she chose her career. LW is power and she still wants that manipulative power so take the L from your wife Colin. Her ego won the day, not their love; Penelope is Colin’s first. LW is Penelope’s first, get over it Colin. It’s harsh af knowing you’ll never be first in the heart of the woman that you love.

If anyone needs to get over anything, it’s Penelope. She should’ve been got over Colin’s comment, now stew in her own shit for months; she’s not entitled to his feelings. She should’ve gotten over the damn gossip column that does more harm than good ‘cause if she’s such a great writer, then explore other avenues of writing. You’re already established, it’ll be nothing of you for your works to become popular since the ton already knows you’re a great writer.

The damage for Colin is deep but he must get over it to be the cushion for Penelope, for him to be in the shadows so Penelope can take all the shine ‘cause “feminism woo hoo!” She’s a career woman and Colin’s purpose is just to love Penelope and nothing more.

Penelope, Penelope, Penelope, it’s all about Penelope.

Their relationship shouldn't be imbalanced like it is. The ship is called POLIN. Colin is just as important as Penelope, but the show and even the fans don’t treat it as such. He’s turned to some irrelevant sidekick who’s an accessory for Penelope and his purpose: well of course it is Penelope.

The show made him publish his journals at the end to be like “see look, he does have a purpose of his own!”, though we rarely saw a lead up to that. It’s addressed once, the LW drama comes in, that part of him is buried until the final episode where it’s framed that his anger was jealousy all along, not him having a vendetta against LW for harming him and his loved ones.

Bullshit on top of bullshit.

Yeah, maybe he should’ve went up there and stood with her when she was giving her god awful speech, but his ‘If my only purpose in life is to love a woman as great as you’ toxic feminism speech would’ve just dulled it. Plus, I don’t think people know how abusive that speech is.

They should’ve stood together, Queen deus ex machina gives her pardon, and then he gives her a speech about how the wound is still there but he knows it’ll heal, to be honest with each other going forward, to put the past to rest and continue on into the future, hand in hand as Mr and Mrs. Bridgerton. Cringe, but at least love is the focus. Him being the man behind the woman instead of the man beside the woman undermined their love story and undermined the ridiculous feminism narrative too, sacrificing the equality aspect of both of it.

I’m just ranting at this point but anyway, this ain’t the Penelope show. Give Colin some fucking grace like you do your Mary Sue.

#Bridgerton #colin bridgerton #anti penelope featherington #i don’t care about Colin but holy shit #Colin is equally as important #He’s not a boy toy #He still sucks though #Writing for him is horrible #Don’t feel bad for Polins you guys suck too

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chojuuro · 2 years ago

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obito's very normal, not weird, super standard summer vacation

ship: Hidan/Uchiha Obito rating: M (non-explicit sex) content: mermaid au! hidaobi for @fatummeum <3 for yet another installment of the malewife & girlboss gift exchange. i hope this is okay, friend! enjoy! words: 5,540 AO3 link here!

He washes up on the beach, and gods, he’s fucking sore. Doesn’t matter that the sun is shining, glittering gently off the lazy waves as they tickle the ends of his tail; doesn’t matter that the seagulls above call to him, or that he swears he can feel the fish at the edge of the water wondering just what the fuck he’s doing. All Hidan knows is that he’s stuck beach-side when the last thing he remembers, he was just taking a nap and trying to blow off some steam.

Goddamn tides. Fuck this hell.

Heaving a sigh, Hidan pushes himself up into a sitting position and surveys the area. It’s, as expected, a beach – but it’s smaller than he’d expected initially on waking, pale sand with a single trail of footprints dotting the edge of the beach by a little retaining wall, leading to a little set of stairs and a ledge above. A small expanse of perfectly manicured lawn sits just before a huge fuckoff house that may very well be the biggest one he’s ever seen on land.

And, he realizes, it’s probably a private beach.

What the fuck. In this economy?

“Oi!”

Hidan turns on instinct to the voice and curses at himself as he does. Up the shore comes running some kid who can’t be older than, like, 23 – and it’s a guess, really, because Hidan’s 23 looks a lot different than a normal 23.

Comes with the whole merfolk territory, he supposes.

Still, Hidan doesn’t think he can be very old. His swim trunks are an obnoxious pattern of black and red and white, and the tanktop he wears clings loosely to a damp frame as if he’d just climbed out of the ocean himself. And it looks like that’s exactly what he’s done – wet hair, soaked trunks, the works.

He approaches Hidan with zero hesitation and stops when he's a handful of feet away from him.

“Uh, can I help you?” the kid asks, crossing his arms over his chest. And, okay, Hidan was right; he’s definitely no kid, but there’s no way he’s any older than his mid twenties. He’s built thick, broad shoulders and a broad chest but somehow Hidan still thinks he looks so fucking wimpy. And he grins, glancing over the boy’s form once again before looking back at his scarred up face.

“Baby, I’m beyond help.”

And somehow, this takes the kid by surprise.

“Get the fuck off my beach?”

And Hidan leaves with a hearty laugh, making sure to splash the guy as he goes.

—

He doesn’t stay gone for long, and by the fourth or fifth visit the kid – Obito, he learns on the second day, when the boy's name is called and he turns, furious that someone would just spill his name like that – stops telling him to get lost.

And it’s funny, Hidan thinks – all he’s got to do is show up and annoy the guy enough for him to let him stick around? Which is, to be fair, exactly what he’d done with his group back home, not taking “go away” for an answer. It works, and as they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

“Ay!” Hidan calls, popping out of the ocean on a particularly warm day, situated nicely on a rock a handful of tail lengths from the shore. The waves are quiet today but the gulls still scream, and both Hidan and Obito suppose there’s not much surprise there. The surprise, for Obito, lies in the sudden assault on his ears and he nearly jumps out of his skin, his back to the ocean as he’s trudging back up the beach.

He turns to Hidan with a little glare, and Hidan returns the sentiment to a proper 180 degrees, grinning as brightly as the sun shines.

“A little warning next time?” Obito asks, and Hidan waves his hand flippantly. Dismissively. Prick.

“This is your beach?”

Obito stops, hesitates and then starts walking back towards the water line. He rests his hands on his hips when he’s ankle-deep in the water and watches Hidan lounging across his chosen rock, arms folded with his chin resting on the top one lazily. They watch each other for a long moment, maybe to see who breaks first. And per usual, the first to break isn’t Hidan, master of exasperating others and king of fuck mountain.

“What?”

“That first day I washed up,” he says, and he adjusts himself so he’s sitting on the rock, the coal-grey fins of his tail falling lazily into the water. “You told me to get off your beach. It's yours?"

“Oh,” is all Obito says. He runs a hand through his hair and Hidan doesn’t take his eyes off him, lazy little grin firmly in place where it belongs. “It’s my grandpa’s beach, actually.”

Hidan barks out a laugh. “Your grandpa’s beach! Fuckin’ hell, so you’re a rich kid, eh? Trust fund baby?”

His laughing doesn’t subside when Obito flushes to his ears, nor does it when Obito gets even more flustered when Hidan won’t stop laughing. Whether the laughter is genuine or put on for the sake of getting under Obito’s skin is lost to them both.

“Hardly!” Obito sputters, and Hidan thinks he might trip if he keeps flailing like that. Fall into the water, maybe, need saving – he brushes the thought to the side and decides to keep it for when he may need to really, especially bother the kid. “I’m not about to yell across the ocean my whole damn family history. You can come here if you want it.”

Fuck yes.

Invitation received.

(Not that not getting an invitation would ever stop him, but if Hidan’s planning on sticking around for reasons unknown to him, he'd rather be doing so while welcomed and not risk, like, a harpoon through the gills or something.)

Hidan pushes himself off the rock and into the water, swimming easily towards the shore and pulling himself onto the sand when he reaches it. Sand sticks to his skin as he crawls up onto the beach but it’s not exactly the strangest or most uncomfortable thing he’s ever felt stuck to him, and the scraping against a still-healing scar isn’t exactly comfortable. But goddamn if he’ll let a little bit of sand stop him from getting the story on a guy he barely knows.

Obito would love the clownfish, Hidan thinks. Load of gossips, they are.

“So?” Hidan prompts, patting the sand beside him as he looks up at – his host, he supposes, if it’s his family’s beach. “I want it, and I’m here.”

Obito rolls his eyes but complies, plops himself down on the sand beside Hidan and immediately buries his splayed fingers in the sand at his sides. Hidan watches with curiosity, but he leaves him to it; makes sure to make a note, though, about how fuckin’ weird humans are.

“So Madara’s – my grandpa, the guy who owns the property? He’s not, like, my grandpa by blood. My grandma married him like a decade back. But it was always, like, I’d have to earn my keep n’ shit, y’know?” Obito doesn’t meet Hidan’s gaze as he speaks, watching out over the ocean at a pair of dolphins jumping over the gentle waves by the horizon. He wonders, idly, if Hidan knows them – and shakes the thought immediately. What, just because they’re both from the ocean, they have to know each other? Stupid.

“And your parents?”

The question takes Obito by surprise more than anything. Hidan isn’t looking at him either, reclined back on the sand with his eyes shut and an arm draped over them to keep the extra sunlight out. Obito takes a brief glance at him before looking out over the ocean again, and his voice is soft as he answers.

“Died before I could walk.”

“Oh,” Hidan says, peeking out from under his arm. “Shit. That’s rough.”

“Yeah.”

They’re quiet for a long time after this. Soaking in each other’s company, maybe, or letting the sudden weight of the conversation loom over them as some kind of a reminder that things aren’t always that easy.

Obito sits contentedly with his hands buried in the sand and the waves licking at his toes, and with a semi-aquatic human laying out next to him, soaking up the sun. He wonders, idly, if sunbathing is a common interest like he sees in the movies – if after spending so long in the cold ocean, merfolk like getting to lay out in the sun, tail swishing lazily in the water while they doze.

He wonders if that’s why Hidan’s been so drawn to this beach in particular, with the direct sunlight and the overall quietness, the separation from other life. He wonders if the warm coastal breeze feels nice against the scales of his tail when he lets it out of the water long enough, and he wonders if the sand is coarse against his body compared to the softer sand at the ocean floor.

Vaguely, Obito wonders what Hidan’s undersea life is like, and he wonders if coming up here to bug some land owner's grandson is something of a respite.

—

“Wanna see something cool?” Hidan asks when he sees Obito finally come down the little staircase to the beach a handful of days later, and as usual, he doesn’t wait for an answer. He’s been waiting weeks for this, dammit, and Obito had said he’d be here over an hour ago.

He crawls his way up the beach on his elbows, and he waits. Obito watches him with wide-eyed curiosity – which quickly turns to impatience, and then general irritation because-

“Okay?” Obito prompts, raising his eyebrows. “So what am I waiting for?”

Hidan nearly breaks a blood vessel. “Hold on, I ain’t dry yet!”

…

Okay?

So Obito waits, crossing his arms over his chest with his elbows resting against his knees. They make small conversation, but on Obito’s side it’s pretty half-hearted. He’s a little preoccupied, thank you very much.

Okay, so mermaids do exist. Cool, cool – not that he necessarily doubted it, with a werewolf best friend and a family history of dragon taming, but hearing stories and actually seeing one is a whole different ordeal. Grandpa Mads had told him stories of the dryad he’d known back in the day, and the siren from Uzushio that he married, but he’d thought they pretty much kept to the oceans.

Maybe they do, and maybe Hidan is just a special flavor of stupid, glutton for punishment, crazy… truly, Obito thinks, the possibilities are endless.

He’s not even really sure exactly what it is that’s keeping him here, letting Hidan freeload on the shores of his grandfather’s beach. He enjoys the company, he supposes; it’s pretty isolated here, and has been since he was little. Grandpa’s always been more on the private side, so even in Obito’s youth friends weren’t necessarily welcome to spend a long time visiting, which sucked royally for Obito, being so far out from his university town.

Maybe, he thinks, that’s why he’s less irritated at the intruder than he should be.

Obito wonders, idly while he waits, if Hidan had just – waltzed up to him on a normal day, like a normal guy, if the situation would be the same. Would he even entertain the idea of keeping him around? Hidan, who’s brash, annoying, irritating – kind of makes him want to shove his head through a wall, but in a good way. He doesn’t know how that’s in a good way, but it just is.

And Obito – hey, wait, what the hell?

Obito swears, he swears he blinks and misses it completely. How, he’s unsure; but he stares on with unmasked awe when a full man stands in front of him, legs and all. And it would be a marvelous sight, Obito thinks, if he didn’t have sand stuck to his ass or his knees weren’t bright red from kneeling in sun-hot sand. Still, he eyes Hidan up and down, eyes the musculature and the gently tanned skin as Hidan stands proudly, hands on his hips.

He hopes his voice sounds about as deadpan as he feels on the inside.

“You’re naked.”

“You’re welcome.”

—

“Quick question,” Obito says, once the shock has settled and Hidan’s dick has been put away, covered with a spare pair of Obito’s swim trunks. They sit perched on the retaining wall at the edge of the beach, legs dangling above the sand as they watch the sun drift gently into the edge of the ocean. “What the fuck is going on?”

It’s barely posed as a question, which makes Hidan laugh harder.

“Whadda you mean, what the fuck is going on? What’s it look like?”

Obito stops for a moment, furrows his brows a little as he considers. And, dammit, he sounds crazy as he goes over everything in his mind. Guy who washes up on the beach – guy who is very hot, but also supremely irritating. Guy who has a tail. But also, guy who has legs? Obito looks back to Hidan, something between confusion, exacerbation, and maybe a touch of amusement.

“So you’re a mermaid.”

“Merman, thank you.”

“But you can grow legs–”

“I don’t grow them, they’re already there.” A pause, from both sides, and Hidan sighs. “My tail’s my two legs basically fused, right? So I dry off and magic happens and then I have legs. It’s not that complicated.”

“Hey, uh–”

“Yeah?”

“What the fuck?”

Hidan laughs from a place deep in his belly, and Obito tries – and fails, royally – to ignore the burning in his cheeks and ears as he does.

“I thought we were common knowledge to youse guys? No?”

And he’s – surprised, it seems. Genuinely and completely, and there’s a small part of Obito that almost wants to kick himself for sounding so put out. “Well, I mean – kind of. Mermaids–”

“Mermen, thank you.”

“Mermen just aren’t usually ones we see too often. For, yknow,” he nods to Hidan’s lower half, “obvious reasons.”

Hidan hums and leans back with his hands firmly planted in the grass. “Fair enough,” he says. “You don’t get a lot of visitors, then?”

“Nah. Merfolk or otherwise.”

Hidan frowns and glances at the back of Obito’s head, watching him intently – but Obito doesn’t continue, instead looking down at his hands in his lap and kicking his legs idly. “Why’re you hanging around this beach, anyway?” he asks, and he doesn’t look up but Hidan can see the gentle flush to Obito’s cheeks from his profile, and he hopes it isn’t the start of a sunburn. “You could be anywhere right now.”

“Dunno,” Hidan answers finally. He pauses and then sighs, hangs his head a little as he leans forward with his arms resting on his thigh. “Hurt my fuckin’ tail during a spar with some bastard from my pod, this old bitch who won’t fuckin’ die no matter how hard you hit him, right? Fucker, like, shanked me with – I don’t even know, man.”

“But you can still swim,” Obito points out, almost immediately. Hidan rolls his eyes and runs a hand absently over the healing scar on his thigh.

“Yeah, not long distances, though. Hurts. Kinda stuck here.”

“Great.”

And despite the sound of Obito’s voice – the deadpan, dry delivery – he’s glad, almost. Glad, because he enjoys the asshole’s company, loathe as he is to admit it, even to himself. Glad, because he’s happy to have a – friend, someone to chat with and spend time with while stuck on Grandpa Prison Island. Glad, because he’s fucking lonely for eight weeks out of the year and Hidan’s kept it entertaining, fun even these past handful of days, and Obito doesn’t have to rely on his grandpa, who doesn’t believe in television or the internet or, like, fun.

Almost, because what the fuck.

Obito can’t help to shake the little feeling of – guilt? – that he feels, being glad Hidan’s stuck around this dinky little beach with him. Bastard got stabbed, and by something that, from Obito’s understanding, wasn’t even a blade or anything. And in the saltwater, too, now that he thinks about it – he shivers a little at the thought, at the phantom feeling of stinging, of literal salt in the wound.

But Hidan seems to be taking it in stride, too, so maybe he shouldn’t feel so bad.

"So if it's your grandpa's place, what're you doing here? You live here?"

"It’s kinda complicated," Obito says, which really, is his catchall excuse for when he doesn’t think the other person actually cares. In the least self deprecating way possible, why would he? Hidan’s just here until he heals enough to get outta dodge, right?

“I’ve got time,” Hidan says, sounding genuine, for once.

Oh.

…Well.

Obito interlocks his fingers and stretches his arms high above his head before flopping backwards against the grass, eyes closed and face drinking up the afternoon sunshine. He can feel Hidan’s eyes on him and becomes suddenly very aware of his own presence – feels heavy, feels present. Feels a little fluttering in his stomach.

But he’s not nervous. Not really.

(He is, but not because he’s being watched. He doesn’t understand why, so he shakes the thought and pretends the feeling isn’t there.)

“I stay here during the summer,” Obito says. “I’m in university full time but, like, can’t afford my own place. ‘Cause, y’know, uni student–”

“I don’t, but sure.”

“Color yourself lucky, bastard.” He elbows Hidan in the side before he really thinks about it, and doesn’t let himself think about it for too long. He continues instead, watching a pair of seagulls in the distance. “Anyway, guess the point is, I come here on the summers and during vacations.”

“So it’s not a long or complicated story at all,” Hidan says. It’s all laid out on the table and, really, it isn’t much.

“Fuck off.”

Despite this, their conversation remains lighthearted and easy – talks about family, of friends, of the weird, fucked up undersea life that Hidan leads. Apparently, the bastard’s used to walking around on land – does it more than he does swim, these days, he says.

“Can’t be too tough,” Obito comments in light of the new information. “Just gotta worry about, what, rain and whenever you make a girl’s pussy wet?”

Hidan grins wide, proud and fucking smug, the bastard. “Pretty much.”

“So just the rain then.”

“Bitch–!”

Hidan tackles him on instinct, shoves Obito to the sandy grown below them and realizes all too late that, oh, he’s on top of him, an arm on either side of Obito’s head caging him in and a knee on either side of his hips. He hovers above, mouth parted in some kind of indeterminate curiosity as his eyes scan over Obito’s face, his lips, his stupid fucking hair, his lips–

They watch each other like this for what feels like a long time, but really could have just been a handful of seconds. Neither know, neither care; Hidan mutters a vague little apology and shoves himself back up, leans back against the retaining wall they sat upon previously, and they both try and resume as if that didn’t just fucking happen.

They chat until the sun goes down, until Obito’s stomach begins to rumble and until Hidan physically cannot stand being dry any longer.

And if there’s flirting there, well. Neither party is any the wiser.

—

It’s late in the evening a handful of days later when Obito finally escapes family dinner, narrowly avoiding getting roped into a game of cribbage with his grandpa.

“Got some work to do,” he tells old Grandpa Mads. “Summer uni stuff.”

And it’s a lie. It’s a bold-faced lie, and he’s owning it.

He’s sent off with a vague waving of his grandpa’s hand and a forced promise to play something with him later, and Obito really can’t say no to that because, like, it’s his grandpa. He’s only got so much time left.

(Obito thinks Madara will outlive everybody in the damn family, including the next few generations. Old bastard. He’s lying about his age, he’s gotta be – says he’s in his seventies but Obito swears he’s a couple hundred years old, and has sworn this since he was young.)

(He’s not sure if that’s a joke anymore – or if it even started out as one.)

Obito makes his way to the top of the stairs, pushes his door open with a little sigh and flops himself down on the bed.

He loves his grandpa, he reminds himself. He really does. But fuck, hours on end with the bastard can get exhausting. He’s heard every story and entertained every shenanigan by this point, and if he hasn’t, he’s still waiting to see what ol’ gramps is going to pull out next.

Maybe next time he’s here gramps’ll have Hashirama over. That’ll be entertaining, at least. Make up for the lack of fucking cell service around here.

He tries for a little too long to try and get some kind of cell reception, and when he gives up – something he should have done a long time ago, really – Obito thinks he deserves a bath. And he does, dammit; he’s put up with his stuffy, stupid old man for long enough. His neck kills.

Obito sits up with a big sigh and tosses his phone back onto his bed, stretches as he stands and gathers up a fresh pair of boxers and an old tanktop, trudges into his bathroom, and is greeted by a fish sitting in his tub, happily and without a care in the world.

…Sorry, what?

Obito stands, dumbfounded, for a long, long moment.

“How the hell did you get in here?”

Hidan looks up from the magazine in his hands, perched precariously on the edge of the bathtub he’s spilling out of. The floor is completely wet, very obviously from overflow from the tub and Obito’s favorite candle is lit on the countertop. Judging by how low the wax is melted, it’s been lit for a while. Why the fuck didn’t he smell it?

“Balcony,” is all Hidan says before going back to his magazine. Like it’s obvious. Like he’s supposed to be here.

Obito might kill him.

—

Hidan emerges a while later, a towel tied loosely around his waist and the same stupid, sly grin on his face. Obito takes special notice to his legs and wonders just how long he was sitting, naked, taking up precious bathroom space when Obito could have taken a bath himself, one that he desperately needs, and even more desperately deserves for having to put up with this shit.

“Fucker,” Obito greets. And Hidan just throws him the same grin as he always does, plops down beside him on the bed and nudges Obito with his elbow.

“Aw, c’mon, I’m not that unpleasant to be around, am I?”

Obito rolls his eyes. “You’re a prick, y’know that?”

“What’d I do?” And Hidan sounds – genuinely confused, actually a little concerned, but Obito is very much not in the fucking mood.

“You can’t just break into my house, asswipe! I live here!”

“What, rich kid doesn’t wanna share?”

Regardless of if you ask him now or if you ask him in a week’s time, Obito won’t be able to tell you exactly how he ends up with his mouth on Hidan’s, or with Hidan’s hand shoved up his shirt, his hand warm against Obito’s chest and his thumb firm against his nipple. He won’t be able to tell you why he feels so fucking on fire, like he’s been burning and burning and just needs a little relief, needs to be put out. He won’t be able to tell you how he ends up with Hidan’s hand palming at his crotch – how he ends up with his knees to his chest, asking, utterly begging for some fucking release.

Bottom line is, he’s thirsty – he’s so fucking thirsty, and Hidan is like a spring fountain, cool and powerful and plentiful and exactly what Obito needs.

“You’re – gods,” Hidan swears, grabbing a handful of Obito’s ass. And Obito thinks he may bruise come morning, and he welcomes it – fully embraces the thought, because he wants this, so fucking bad. Wants it to linger on his skin and his soul for as long as possible. “So fucking cute.”

Obito sputters. The flush shoots to his ears and he inhales sharply through his nose, reaches a hand up and grabs a fistful of silver hair, yanks Hidan’s head down and smashes their lips together.

“Shut up,” he growls against Hidan’s lips, biting at him, feeling the bastard grin just widen and hook his arms under each of Obito’s knees, nearly folding him in half.

“Make me.”

Obito doesn’t think he can.

He grips the bedsheets with a tight fist as Hidan works him, works them both at the same time – both dicks in one hand, the other bracing himself against the bed to keep him above Obito, where he belongs. He grinds against his ass, makes a little noise in his throat when his dick presses up against Obito’s.

Hidan can’t say he’d intended on fucking this guy, really. He thought he’d be here for a few days while he healed up, maybe a week or two if he found something fun, someone to annoy. And, like, he did – but dammit, he found a little more than just something to play with. He’d expected to find someone on this island, the one with the big fuckoff house and the stupidly green lawn. He’d expected downtime, lots of naps – a sunburn here and there, maybe. And he’d gotten all those.

To find himself cock-to-cock with some guy he met a handful of weeks ago, though? That bit was a little unexpected, he’ll admit.

And Obito, meanwhile, can’t say he’d expected any of this. He’d expected shitty cell reception and a lot of old people’s games, maybe a visit from one of his grandpa’s old war buddies.

He is, really, pleasantly surprised with what he’s ended up with.

They grind together, pressing against one another like they can’t get enough of each other – and maybe they can’t, not really. It’s as fiery as the sun burns hot on this island, unfettered want, desire, passion keeping their sweat-slicked bodies pressed together, and keeping them moaning each other’s names and swallowing each other’s moans.

Hidan comes like a tidal wave, full and heavy and all at once, over Obito’s stomach and chest and Obito is quick to follow, spilling out onto Hidan’s hand; and he laps it up like he’s starving, the asshole.

“Bitch,” Obito mutters under his breath as they untangle, allowing Obito to disappear to the bathroom to clean himself off from the spoils of the night.

They fall asleep eventually when the pillowtalk conversation comes to a natural lull, thoroughly spent and, overall, happy.

—

The late summer humidity lays like a thick blanket over the beachfront when Obito stirs awake the next morning, sticky and sweaty but contentedly tangled up in Hidan’s limbs. The fan blows warm but fresh sea air from the open balcony doors, leaving a gentle hum in Obito’s ears as he lays back, stares at the ceiling above his bed for a long time.

Maybe he falls back asleep at some point, maybe it’s the summer heat that makes him feel like he’s lost a handful of hours in there. He’s not sure.

He feels his bedmate stir a little while later, hair mussed from sleep and bright pink eyes hazy. Obito turns his head to watch him, bites back the smile from his face as Hidan curls into him more, forehead pressed up against Obito’s shoulder.

“S’fuckin’ hot,” Hidan grumbles, and Obito barks out a laugh. “Your gramps’s rich, why’s’n’t he spring for air conditioning?”

“He’s cheap.”

“He’s a bitch.”

They lay together for a long time, quiet for once as they enjoy each other’s company. They cuddle where they can, but the skin-on-skin contact is a fucking nightmare; so much so that when Obito finally suggests bringing things out to the balcony, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Hidan jump up so fast in the handful of weeks that he’s known him.

Hidan escapes to the balcony and Obito makes a quick pit stop downstairs. He returns shortly, a tall iced coffee in one hand and a large glass of ice water in the other. He narrowly misses his grandpa in the stairwell, and thank fuck that he does, because Obito’s just not ready to explain to a 70-year-old man that he’s fucking a mythical creature.

(It’s not that he’s worried Grandpa’s going to be upset by it, let that be known. He’s more worried that he’d be a little too accepting. Like when your kid tells you they’re one thing and it becomes their parent’s personality to have a kid who’s that thing. Y’know?)

He expects Hidan to be naked when he gets back up to the balcony and is, admittedly, a little torn when he’s not. Rather, he’s almost naked – clad only in Obito’s most ridiculous pairs of boxers and the necklace he wears around his neck at all times.

“Here,” Obito says, resisting the urge to throw the water directly in Hidan’s face. He hands Hidan the glass and Hidan takes it gratefully, sitting down in one of the chairs angled out towards the ocean. Obito sits himself down in the one adjacent, sips at his iced coffee and side-eyes Hidan, a little disappointed when he does, in fact, remain with two human legs. “So why doesn’t that change you?”

Hidan takes a long sip of his water and lets out a big, happy sigh as he sets it down on the little table between them. “Magic’s fuckin’ weird, dude, I dunno.”

Obito snorts, and again the pair falls silent. And it’s not – awkward, necessarily, but Obito can feel the tension in the air and he knows that Hidan can feel it too, with the way he runs his thumb over the knuckles of his other, hands idly grasping each other. He clears his throat, once, twice; a counting of the passage of time, maybe? Or just a tickle in his throat.

Neither are sure how long it’s been exactly when Obito speaks up after setting his emptied coffee cup on the table next to Hidan’s abandoned glass, filled half way.

“So,” he says, looking down at his hands. “I’m going back to uni at the end of the month.”

Silence.

The thumping of Obito’s heart doesn’t cease even as he looks up and receives the confirmation that Hidan is still here; it’s louder, even, he thinks, the blood pounding in his ears alongside. Hidan makes a noise that sounds like oh, but he doesn’t make move to say anything further. Obito’s jaw clenches and he swallows, ignores the small lump forming his throat for some fucking reason. Some fucking reason he’d maybe rather not consider.

“I’ll still, y’know, I’ll be here for holidays, still. Christmas, at least.”

The words are hardly out of Obito’s mouth when Hidan stands, moves to lean over Obito’s chair. He braces his hands against the arms of it, caging him in; but Obito doesn’t feel fear, nor does he feel unsafe. Hidan’s necklace swings between them, nearly hits Obito in the face, but still he does not flinch.

They watch each other like this for what feels like a long time, bright pink eyes meeting coal black. Hidan’s breaths wash softly over Obito’s face, rustle the little pieces of hair hanging over his forehead; and Obito, dammit, he wants nothing more than to hold onto the bastard and never let him go.

Even when he’s being a prick. Maybe especially when he’s being a prick.

“Come back to me,” Hidan whispers, forehead falling to rest against Obito’s. “Or else,” is what he says, but Obito knows that he means please, and he feels himself melting, wholly and truly – Hidan, for all his bullshit, for all his boistrousness and love of absolute fucking chaos, has a soft side and that soft side is really, truly wrapping itself around Obito like a piece of seaweed at the bottom of the ocean. Unexpected, but not necessarily unwelcome.

Maybe a little unwelcome, at first. But a handful of weeks and enough quiet conversation, passionate arguments turned into heated debates turned into ardent, fiery love making – they’d made it worth it in the end.

Obito leans up, grabs Hidan by the shoulder, buries a hand in silvery hair and kisses him like it’s their last, even though both know it’s far from it.

“I will,” he says, “I promise.”

And then Hidan remembers.

“I can swim,” Hidan says with such strong realization that if it were a physical object he would be knocked on his ass, “so if you’re by the coast, I’ll find you.”

“Oh yeah. But – wait, you can walk,” Obito replies, nudging at Hidan’s legs with his knee.

“Oh yeah. But I can’t get wet, so it'd have to be a day when it's dry."

"Oh yeah."

They’ll make it work. One way or another.

#EHEHEHE #desfic #obito uchiha #uchiha obito #hidan #akatsuki #hidaobi #hidan x obito #naruto #naruto fanfic #naruto fanfiction #@ the formatting please PLEASE stay normal

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period-dramallama · 2 years ago

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episode 7 of becoming elizabeth review: live laugh lie

This episode felt so long. Easily my least favourite. Everyone was stupid or an asshole or a stupid asshole.

+ mention of archbishop... don’t even say his name?? How are we going to have Cranmer in season 2?? it’s going to be very Remember the New Guy

+ the Ambiguous Religion Preacher man is going to be burned in his clothes, that’s quite unusual. Usually it was in the shift. Y’know, cloth being expensive, it would a terrible waste to burn a whole doublet

+ My pyrophobia breathed a sigh of relief when it cut away from the burning... until they CUT RIGHT BACK TO IT. at least the fire looks fake.

+ they just call him ‘a dissenter’?? I assume they mean Anabaptist? Why not just say Anabaptist?

+ Ed flipping through a book... gifted kid burnout

+ good to acknowledge Mary wasn’t the only monarch burning people. Anabaptists were burned during Edward’s reign, and 4 were burned in London in 1570 something.

+ “I always liked your father” did you??

+ Stephen Gardiner worrying about ‘balance’ on the council and burning dissenters... Stephen Gardiner would not give a flying fuck if Protestants burn more radical Protestants. He’d be there with popcorn.

+ “we are going to make England great” I said “again” sarcastically and then Dudley said “...again” and I burst out laughing. Real subtle Anya. Love the nuanced commentary. Not since The Spanish Princess has a show been so subtle.

+ “a girl not yet 16 made fools out of all of us” did she though?? In history, yes. This show, not so much.

+ Another extra with no hood! Just stick a hood on her! This isn’t a crowd scene where everyone needs a hood so you crack out the crappy ones for the extras at the back.

+ “he is the fucking king” love that that’s an in-universe meme.

+ This Elizabeth is not very good at reading between the lines. Why does she need everything spelled out for her?

+ Oliver’s facial expressions are the best. He can bring comedy to the most mundane lines.

+ “I can’t do the crazy thing... Ok for you i will do the crazy thing” is an A+ dynamic.

+ “England’s not done with you yet” and now that’s some neat foreshadowing

+ “They burned a man in Whitehall” why does Gardiner care?? There’s nothing to imply he was Catholic. If he’s not Catholic, Gardiner wouldn’t give two shits. This is the guy who tried to bring down Katherine Parr for crying out loud!

+ “thought you’d seen enough of the Tower by now Stephen” hehehehehehe

+ then Girlboss Dudley throws Gardiner down the stairs!!

+ “do you need carrying” i wish the whole ep was just Dudley being mean to Gardiner.

+ Henry Grey LITERALLY tells Jane to watch what she says around powerful people and then she just... doesn’t. babe.

+ the whole scene with Elizabeth and Jane....i hate it with a fiery fiery passion. It’s just a nasty scene of two people being horrible to each other for no fuckign reason.

+ Elizabeth plays a few notes that sound like the show’s theme... the show hasn’t earned that.

+ “spurred to treason to acquiesce to your desires” “oh I’m schooled on men by my sister, i wonder how she got so wise”. Can Mary let ANYTHING go? I understand her resentments regarding her past but why she can’t she just drop the subject of Tommy S? WHO SHE DIDN’T EVEN LIKE? Why must she KEEP being like ‘i told you so’? That ain’t how you get friends.

+ Mary did not earn that hug. She didn’t even apologise!

+ Aaaand then Mary is horrible again in like 2 seconds.

+ Illiterate doesn’t necessarily mean uncultured. Early medieval kings like Alfred and Charlemagne were illiterate because it wasn’t a skill they needed. They had scribes to dictate to, and servants to read aloud to them.

+ “don’t hide in places I’ve shown you are good for hiding in” made me laff. I’ll miss Girlboss when he is executed.

+ STOP PUNCHING ROBERT YOU BASTARDS

+ the iconic red dress... they haven’t earned it.

+ Elizabeth defending herself... should have been last episode.

+ Bloody handkerchief of doom!

#becoming elizabeth

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themattress · 2 years ago

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One Villainous Scene - Her Royal Triumph

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Ashita no Nadja (”Tomorrow’s Nadja”) is an obscure, never dubbed anime from the early 2000s about a plucky orphan girl named Nadja going on a globe-trotting adventure during the era before World War I. And when it reached its final story arc, it gained a particularly nasty villain in Rosemary Applefield, a friend of Nadja’s from the orphanage who suffers from delusions of being a long-lost princess...and when she found that description somewhat better describes Nadja, she snapped and joined with her former friend’s enemies in a scheme to disinherit her. Oh, and the mental break somehow managed to awaken not just a ruthless, vindictive attitude in Rosemary, but also a prodigious IQ and frightening manipulation skills.

No matter what Nadja and her traveling companions did, Rosemary was one step ahead of them, steadily discrediting Nadja while making herself out to be the real “Nadja Preminger”, with the claim ultimately being made that Nadja was actually “Rosemary Applefield” trying to cheat her way into claiming the Preminger family inheritance! This ol’ switcheroo scheme culminated in both girls being brought before Duke Preminger to plead their cases...and while Nadja threw everything she could at Rosemary’s lies, Rosemary was prepared to Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss at every turn. Even when Nadja revealed that the kind orphanage matron, whom Rosemary had lied was abusive to her, had passed away, Rosemary is shocked and stricken with sincere grief...right before saying that “even if she was a horrible person who hurt me, I never wanted her to die!” Not even real emotions are strong enough to break through Rosemary’s fake ones that she puts on in the pursuit of her royal ambitions.

In the end, Nadja is deemed to be the fake and gets thrown in a prison cell. And this short scene we get afterward is the crowning peak of Rosemary’s villainy. Standing alone in the snow, she thinks about everything she’s done and where it has led her...and just starts laughing in unabashed glee, stretching her arms upward as if to declare “I FUCKING WON!”

.....And she was right about that too!

Yeah, that’s the most incredible thing about this scene. If you’re waiting for the big reversal and for a rematch between Nadja and Rosemary where Rosemary finally receives her comeuppance, you’ll be waiting forever because it ain’t coming. This was the end of their battle, and Rosemary triumphed. Yes, the truth ends up coming to light about Nadja being the true Nadja and heir to the Preminger family’s fortune, but by that point Rosemary has calmed down from her victory high and realized “Shit, this life is actually pretty fucking boring, I could do way better building my own fortune all on my own”. And that’s exactly what she does! Following one last talk with Nadja where the two girls clear the air with one another, she bows out gracefully and leaves to start up a business empire in America. Her victory over Nadja remains in tact, and she’s honestly better off for having engaged in evil-doing than she was beforehand! This kid was such a smart villain that she completely dodged karmic retribution!

This kind of thing might offend some people morally, but:

1. Rosemary's a child, so an extreme punishment wouldn’t be suitable for her. 2. Nothing she did ended up creating any lasting damage for anyone or anything. 3. Fuck you, she's awesome enough to deserve getting away with her crimes!

#Ashita no Nadja #Rosemary Applefield #Evil #Analysis #One Villainous Scene

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ennoshawty · 3 years ago

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HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

#haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu captains #daichi sawamura #oikawa toru #kuroo tetsuro #kita shinsuke #ushijima wakatoshi #bokuto kotaro #x reader

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