#girl jesus is getting disemboweled

[beastsovrevelation]

[abbatoirablaze]

Shameless, Chapter 1, The Pilot

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings:  mentions of being gay, sexual tension. 

“Nobody’s saying our neighborhood’s the Garden of Eden.  Hell, some people say that god avoids this place altogether.  But it’s been a good home to me and my kids who I’m proud of…because every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me!”

“Oh yeah, that so?” Kermit asked politely, trying to ignore the drunk of a man who was at the bar stool.

“Fiona,” he mused, “my rock.  Huge help!  Has all the best qualities of her mother…except she’s not a raging psycho bitch.  And Lip, smart as a whip. Straight A’s and the honor roll. Boy’s definitely going somewhere.  Ian.  Industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic.  Don’t have a clue where he got that from.  Wants to be a paratrooper.  Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock.”

“Good for you, Frank!” another of the patrons laughed. 

You shook your head, “please don’t encourage him, guys!”

“Carl!” your father smiled happily before frowning, “uhm, you know.  I don’t really know that much about Carl.  OH!  He loves animals.  He’s always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room!  And Debbie.  Ah, Debbie.  Sent by god!  Total angel. Raises money for UNICEF year round.  Some of which, she actually turns in.  Liam!  Gonna be a star!  I’m no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor.  He and the ex were a little close!”

“No shit Frank!”

“Hey!” you growled, pointing at one of the old men who was drinking in the corner, “watch your next words or their’ll be something more than booze in your drink, assholes!”

“And then there’s you!” my father smiled, reaching out over the bar top.  He grabbed your hand and tapped it, “my Sofia…my sweet girl.  Keeping me in line longer than any of my other woman ever has and ever will!  She’s Fiona’s twin you know.  My swimmer’s shot straight with those two.  Fi Fi is the first Gallagher girl here to go to college!  Fi, keeps the house running and Fi Fi keeps the kids doing good in school!  I lucked out with them, I really did!”

“Dad, you’re way too loaded for how early it is!” you warned, “I’m gonna have to cut you off for a bit so you can sober off!”

Your father groaned and rolled his eyes at you, “are you serious, Fi Fi?  I just paid you a compliment.  You’re supposed to be grateful and give me another! Say I'm a great dad and pass me a boilermaker, like a good kid would!"

“Dad…my shift ended five minutes ago, and I’m supposed to pick up Carl and Debbie from school and help them with their homework before I head to my shift at the club!”

“Hey, sorry I’m late!” Kev called as he burst through the door, “V had me tied up with-“

“Don’t want to know!” you laughed, cutting your friend off, “Gotta pick up the kids!”

“Yeah, go, go!  Fiona told me to tell you that they’re down to fourteen minutes so she needs you to pick up another card on your way back from picking Deb, Carl, and Liam up!”

“Liam?”

“Deb took him to school for show and tell!”

“Jesus!” you sighed, reaching under the bar to grab your hoodie and purse.

“Hey…wait…Fi Fi…get me another, before you go!”

“Oh, fuck off Frank,” you growled at your father.  You barely looked over your shoulder as you called out to Kev, “he’s broke and beyond plastered, Kev.  Don’t give him any more tonight!”

“FUCK YOU, FI FI!”

“What do you mean, she told you to take Liam?”

“She picked up a shift at the arena...she told me to take him in for show and tell because of that birthmark on his back,” Debbie shrugged as you finished adjusting Liam on your hip, “want me to push?”

“Yes!” you agreed, handing the cart over to your little sister, “Fi said we’re out of milk and I need to get another card for hers and Lip’s phone.  Do you and Carl need anything for school?”

“I want more markers…I want to run for class president and I need markers for posters. The old ones run out of stuff and I keep having to hold em in a cup of water to get the color out.”

“Can I get a candy bar?”

“What’d you get on your math test?”

“D!” he frowned. 

You sighed and nodded your  head, “we’re studying before I go to work…Deb, we’ll grab markers, paper, and tape and make a million posters while I’m quizzing Carl…you’ll be class president! I promise!”

“Really?” she asked lighting up.

“Wait, I can get a candy bar?”

“Yeah, but you’re studying with me when we get home!  And you’re helping us make posters for Deb!”

“Deal!” he grinned, running off towards the registers.

“Fi doesn’t let him get a candy bar when she takes us Fi Fi…”

“Fi is doin’ the best she can…me and Ian don’t go through that many minutes, so I got a little extra cash for here and the squirrel fund…do you want a candy bar too?”

She smiled and nodded, “yes please…”

You leaned down and pressed a kiss to her temple, “I’ll take the cart.  You make sure Carl ain’t stealin’ shit.  Take Liam and grab him a sucker…and get me and Fi a bag of gummies.  I gotta grab something in the back.”

“Okay!” she smiled, taking hold of Liam once again while you took the cart and headed to the back of the store.  Looking up and down the aisle to make sure that neither of the kids were trailing after you, you knocked on the stock room door. 

It opened and one of the stock kids nodded at you before closing the door, only to return with a brown paper bag a few seconds later.

“The new issue?” He nodded and you handed him two twenties, “good, you keep your mouth shut!”

“Same time next month when the next issue drops?”

"I guess...can you do any better than 40 though?"

"I only charge you $40 for a whole year of this gay shit...I'd be losing money if it was mine to lose," he groaned.

"I'll tell Colin to lay off hittin' the store up..."

"I'll give you a twenty back if you send me a pic of your tits..."

"Deal!" You nodded. He smirked and handed a twenty back, and he closed the door.  Opening the paper bag, you looked in long enough to see the magazine you usually grabbed for Ian, and then you slipped the whole thing into your purse. 

“FI FI?”

Turning down another aisle you saw your little sister, struggling with Liam and her art supplies, while Carl had his arms full of candy.

“Carl, what are you doing?”

“I couldn’t choose!” he shrugged.

“One, Carl…”

“But-“

“If you can’t decide you won’t get anything, and you’ll end up sharing gummies with me and Fi again…do you want that?”

“Fiona always eats all the gummies though!”

“Exactly!” you laughed, walking up and ruffling his hair, “I’ll tell you what…you get your candy bar, and you can  pick one other thing…if you and me get your studying done, and we help Deb get all of her posters finished before I go to work, I’ll count it as my snack, and you can have it!”

“What about me?” Deb frowned.

“You get class president I’ll buy you that pair of sunglasses you’ve been eyeing up every week when we come in!”

“Really?”

“Really…now come on, guys.  We only have three hours and I need to make sure that your homework is done, and dinner is started before Fiona gets back from that shift she picked up!”

“Alright!”

“FUCK YOU FI!”

“Hey…what the fuck is wrong?” she asked, eyes going wide as you burst through the door and threw your bag in the entry way, “why you screaming at me?”

“I fucking got canned because my boss said you and some asshole you were with fucking decked my bouncer!”

“Hey, he was being a dick!”

“She got robbed at that club!” V said quickly, a man between her legs while she cleaned a small wound on his head, “and when we called him out on not letting us back in after chasing the guy, he called Fi a junkie and a skank.  Our boy Steve here, decked him.”

You stood stock still for a moment.  The kids all eyed you guys down.  Kev stepped to your side, “he decked Jimmy Clifton, Fi Fi…come on.”

“Come on, it’s after midnight,” you said firmly, ushering the kids upstairs while you gave up on the unwinnable argument that was brewing if you picked a fight with the new guy, “we got stuff to do tomorrow!  You guys have school!”

“Fi Fi…”

“Sofia’s right!” your twin said, giving you a soft look before closing in on the kids from the other side, “you guys have stuff to do and it’s after midnight.  Go. Move, move move!”

“Love you Fi!”

“Love you Fi Fi!”

The kids chorused as they walked up the stairs leaving you and your sister with V, Kev, and Steve.

“You really lost the gig at the club?”

You nodded at your sister and bit your lip, “that was a really good gig, Fi…made great tips…and tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday are big money nights! Those weekend tips kept us afloat when I could get the hours.”

“I’m sorry Fi Fi!” she sighed, hugging you, “we’ll figure something out though.  We always do!”

“Fuck…” you sighed, relaxing into her arms, “I thought we were about to finally get ahead on this shit.”

“Never…”

“I’ll go tuck the kids in…you take care of your…friend…”

She smiled at you and let go.  You gave her another smile, as you herded the kids back up the stairs and to their rooms.

“Deb…I’ll be in your room in a second.  Lip, get Carl tucked in.  Ian, I got the phone.  Come to my room and we’ll trade off.”

He stopped up the hall and turned, following you back to your room.  Closing the door behind you, you reached under the mattress and grabbed the thin paper bag.  His eyes shot to the door for a moment before he grabbed it and slipped it under his shirt. 

“Lip knows…”

You raised your brow, “you told him?”

He shook his head, “found the folder…”

“I told you that hiding it behind your dresser was a stupid idea…should have hid it under your mattress.”

“I think he’s okay with it…”

“Of course he is, Ian…you’re our brother…”

“I-I still don’t want to tell Fi…”

“Hey…” you sighed, cupping your little brother’s face in your hands, “no one is forcing you to tell anyone, I…”

He sighed, and pulled you into his arms, hugging you tightly, “thank you Fi Fi…”

“Of course…” you sighed, holding onto him for another minute.  When he let go, you gently smacked him on the ass and he laughed, “alright tiger.  Time for bed.  Say goodnight to your brothers and I’ll be in to check on Carl in a sec.”

“Thanks Fi Fi.”

You followed him out into the hall, and made your way to Deb’s room. She was waiting patiently in her bed for you to tuck her in.

“Sorry Fiona got you fired.”

“It’s okay,” you shrugged, making your way in, “I didn’t like that job anyways.”

“Liar,” she laughed.  You looked down on a sleeping Liam and stroked his head, before making your way to your little sister.  She crawled out from under the covers and into your lap, wrapping her arms around your neck, “you’ll find something else.  You always do.”

“I know…”

“A-are we going to be okay?”

“We always are, Debs…” you reminded her, “me and Fi won’t let you down.”

“You never do!”

“Get into bed, munchkin,” you sighed, rubbing your little sister’s back.  She mirrored your actions and crawled out of your arms and back into bed.  Tucking her in, you pressed a kiss to her forehead, “love you, Debs.”

“Love you Fi Fi.”

You turned off the lights and made your way towards the boys room.  Frowning to yourself you sighed when you heard noise downstairs.

No doubts, Fiona was fucking the guy she brought home. 

You shook your head as you found your way into the boys room.  Carl had already put his headphones on and was out like a light.  You looked between your two other younger brothers, “you guys good?”

Lip nodded, “yeah…”

“Yeah.”

You nodded at both of them and leaned down to Carl’s bed.  Pulling the covers up to his chin, you placed a kiss to his temple. 

“Sorry about your job Fi Fi…”

“It’s okay, Lip…”

“I can kick in more if-“

“We’ll be fine! You two need to worry about school,” you said firmly, looking to your brother.  You reached up to Lip’s bunk and ruffled his hair, “it’s your junior year, Lip…I want you focused and ready to graduate…”

“What about me?”

You smiled over your shoulder to Ian, “well you have to graduate…that’s not even a question.  If me and Lip do it, so do you!”

He smiled, “Fi dropped out junior year!”

“And I know she regrets it!” you reminded him, “we’re working hard so that down the road you guys don’t have to.  Even I’m continuing my education by being in college when I’m not working!”

“Online college doesn’t count!”

“I go to campus two days a week, mister!” you reminded your little brother as you playfully slapped him, “and when you graduate you better be joining me!”

“I will!” he promised, “SAT prep later?  Think I got a few ways I can chip in!”

“Tomorrow after breakfast I have some time!” you agreed.  He leaned down and you gave him a kiss on the cheek, before moving to Ian and doing the same thing to him, “pancakes or French toast?”

Ian smiled, “French toast!”

“Good choice!”

“SHIT SHIT SHIT!”

You raised a brow and looked once more between your brothers as Fiona appeared running up the stairs and bolting into your shared room.

“What the fuck was that?”

“I’ll figure it out.  You two get to bed!” you confirmed, leaving the boy’s room and closing the door behind you. 

“Oh…uh, hi!” Steve said awkwardly as you and your sister came to a head at him, “cops looking for you two?”

“Stay here!” you both sighed in unison.  You followed your sister down the stairs. When you got to the bottom, you saw Tony and another officer dragging him into the house. 

Your heart felt like it stopped. 

Your father’s incoherent words seemed like they were falling on deaf ears as you tried to think of something to say.  Tony didn’t even see you until they put Frank against the dish washer, “I wouldn’t put him near a carpet til his pants dry a bit-oh…Sofia…you’re home…I thought you normally worked at the club…Usually I drive you home after-“

“Got canned!” you frowned, “Fi’s new boy toy decked Clifton for calling her a skank.”

“Thanks Tony!” your sister frowned, giving you a glare, “You really gonna tell everyone that?”

“He usually gives me a ride home!” you said, pointing out the obvious, “would be awkward if he showed up and expected me to walk out at three AM and I’m nowhere to be seen.”

“Sorry about the job, Sofia…”

“Thanks…let me walk you back to your car…I think Fi and Steve were in the middle of a…conversation.”

Your sister flipped you off as Tony handed him Frank’s other shoe.  You pulled Tony out the door and his partner chuckled at you, “I’ll leave you two alone for a second.”

“It’s fine, Ran-“

“Thanks!” you said firmly, cutting off your best friend.  He gave you a faux glare, but it instantly turned into a smile when you pushed yourself against his chest, needing the comfort of his hugs.

“You okay?”

“Today’s been a shit day!” you admitted as you held him, “Fi let Debs take Liam to school as show and tell and Carl almost got to see you today when he tried to hide a pack of baseball cards in his pockets while we were shopping.  And you know Frank…he was at the Alibi Room earlier, but I’m guessing Kev ignored me and gave him more anyways.  And you know about the whole club thing now…And right before you walked in, while I was re-tucking the kids in, Fi was fucking that guy in the kitchen.”

“Hey…it’s okay,” he sighed, holding you tight, “things will get easier…and if you want to pick up some hours, I know that the chief loves when you stop by with some baked goods…and we just lost Janet to maternity leave…you could do some administrative work if you play your cards right.”

“And see your ugly mug every day?” you teased.

“I know for a fact you love this ugly mug!” he smirked, “otherwise you wouldn’t have fake married it when we were in head start.”

"And then you went behind my back and married Fiona when we were five."

"Come on you can't still be mad at that!" he teased.

“You were cuter when we were younger!” you pouted, "I forgave the five year old you, but not adult you!"

“Well I may not be cuter than when I was five, but you’ve definitely gotten cuter…”

A blush rose to your cheeks and you pulled away, “Tony…”

“Markovich!”

The two of you nearly jumped away from one another at the sound of his partner’s voice.  He frowned, “so I-I’ll see you around sometime?”

“Well, I’m done at the club so I’ll be free tomorrow and Sunday night,” you offered, “do you work?”

“No…I’m off…come over Sunday night?” he asked, “mom misses seeing you around…sure she’d pull out all the stops.”

“Okay…” you agreed, wanting nothing more than to see him, “Sunday night!”

“Great!  I’ll let her know.  See you then!” he grinned.  He leaned down and kissed your cheek, and you felt yourself swooning as he walked away.

Chapter 2

[phallicide]

I took your mom out for a date last night and fucked so much air in her she queefed and hit the ceiling. Electrician said he never saw a light bulb break that hard. Draw from my gilded deck of cards and it's all queens cause I'm too horny to fuck a deck of aces. I got casino dealers lining up for impregnation cause when I finish it's on the house. I got Hyrule in a chastity choke hold cause I'm holdin the Links to the leash chain. Men kneel before me and disembowel themselves like seppuku magicians pullin ribbons outta faggots. I'm on a first-name basis with Satan and Bob Ross, making my opps into happy little accidents. Nobody saw me enter the building til I pulled out my gilded phallus and demanded an audience with the disco ball's clitoris. United States Government pays me not to fuck cause my pussy proletariat would tear the Man to shreds. Jesus asked for a ride in my fucking Miata, I told him get in the back cause we're going Barbie Girling and slammed that shit so hard I left a pothole. Got divorced and three weeks later her baby daddy was begging to suck my pecker like a parched man on a tranny spigot. Fucked my way into Jurassic Park, a T-rex looked at me and instantly switched sexes. Kyubey landed in my backyard and gave me a job offer, I took one look and kicked that fucker so hard he landed in Mitakihara. I'm eating pussy like a starving bulldog. I'm smoking on that shit that makes the antlions go crazy. They call me Tornado Bitch cause I create vortices on her G-spot using my eleventh finger as a somatic component. They banned me from PBS cause they caught me with my magic school bus inside Miss Frizzle. Scooping up tgirls off the street like I'm operating Bagger 288. I get hard and break my own dick from the force of the expansion. I made the first 5 dollar footlong. I'm wet. I'm smoking the loose gunk from the shower and gettin' Mr. Clean dirty. I'm a horse with no name and a dick with no balls.

[homosexuality-at-its-finest]

Hey, could you by any chance make a Deadpool x male reader fluff, there is like no Deadpool x male reader stories and I need more to cure my depression, so could you pls Make one, pls and thx?

A/N: Thanks for the request my dude! I hope you like it! It was inspired by the Tin Tok's of the girl calling her boyfriend weird names and that's definitely wades energy.

Plot: Requested

Pairing: Deadpool x Male reader

Y/n: Your name

Warnings: cussing, Deadpool is Deadpool, mentions of murder and blood, fluff, idea came from a Tik Tok, cursing

Word count: 610

If you had mentioned Wade finding a new partner after Vanessa died, he probably would’ve killed you, but here he was a few years later curled up in bed with his adorable boyfriend. When he first met Y/n there was an immediate attraction to him, but he refused to allow himself to get attached, in fear the boy would die too. Of course, the little asshole was stubborn and ended up worming his way into the mercenary’s heart.

Wade didn’t know how attached he was to Y/n until he showed up on his doorstep, bleeding from a stab wound and an adorable pout on his lips. “I got stabbed.” It was simple and rather obvious, but God Wade almost had a heart attack. “I killed the bastard though!” You gave him this toothy grin and he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at you. He patched you up and after that he was basically attached at your hip. He had killed a number of people for you, not wanting his baby boy to get hurt again.

He actually confessed his feelings for you after he had disemboweled someone, still covered in their blood and guts, but the grin you gave him had his knees weak. Wade had ripped his mask off and before you could say anything his lips were on yours, possessive and vicious as he held onto you.

Skip forward a couple of months and here he was, arms wrapped around your waist as you slept soundly, cheek pressed against his chest. He couldn’t help but admire you as you slept, his baby boys face was relaxed, your usual furrowed eyebrows were smoothed out, making you look even more gorgeous. A smile spread across his lips when Y/n began to wake, his fingers gently raking over his scalp.

“Good morning my rotten banana.” He breathed out, holding back a grin as you looked up at his, eyes narrowed and a confused look on your face. “The fuck did you just call me?” Wade leaned down, pecking your lips. “My rotten banana.” He replied, causing you to let out a defeated sigh. “Seriously the weird nick names again?” Your voice sounded almost pained, making the grin he was failing to conceal widen. “You know you love it.”

You pulled away from him, making him pout. “I despise it.” You replied in a bored tone, giving your boyfriend a look before slipping out of the bed. “I need coffee before I can deal with your shit.” Wade only winked in return, leaning against the pillows as he watched you leave the room. God, he hated to see you leave but loved to watch you go.

Wade laid in bed for a few moments, before deciding to go bother Y/n once more. The mercenary walked into the kitchen, arms wrapping around your waist. “What do you wanna do today, my shriveled papaya?” Before wade could get another word out, an elbow harshly shoved into his ribs, causing him to let out a wheeze.

“Wade Winston Wilson I swear to God if you call me one more weird name, I’m gonna castrate you.” You looked up at him, an annoyed but loving look on your face. “You love me to much my little Lochness monster.” The mercenary let out a terrified screech, fleeing from his boyfriend as you grabbed a knife from the counter, following behind your boyfriend as you laughed loudly. Jesus Wade sometimes forgot how scary you could be.

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Imagine getting brought to the highest power in the land thinking you’re going to be disemboweled at the hands of a murderous emperor; only to realize it’s not your execution, but a musical theater performance; and the lead drag queen (who is also the murderous emperor) wants to marry you off to a pretty girl, purely for the sake of demeaning you because they think it’s funny??

Oh and there will be a horse attending your wedding. Yes he is a senator; no you may not question him… he’s never been to a wedding before — be nice to him. Do unto others as others — especially myself, Zeus (and also Jesus) — never do unto you. Enjoy your new wife.

[sadstonewrites]

Fractured Psyche Chapter 2

Here we go, chapter 2! 

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin (Colossus) x OC

Rated M

We’re giving you the chance to be a hero. To get out of here and make something of yourself. Give it a thought.”

It felt like ages since the shadowy agent in the expensive suit had spoken those words to Lane. The words seemed to be on repeat now as Lane’s head lolled on the gurney, the latest round of drugs wearing off and leaving them with a mouth full of cotton. They weren’t sure how much of what had been pumped into their system - part of Lane thought it was better than they didn’t know.

More than anything, it just hurt all over. They supposed that meant it was working.

Ajax and Angel had quickly made their introductions to Lane, the bruises and a busted lip a signature calling card of the latter while Ajax preferred his own brand of being an insufferable but also terrifying prick. They weren’t sure how long they had been here, but it had been long enough that they had gotten good at picking out their footsteps.

They were pushing a gurney into the adjacent room, casting shadows on the medical screen as they did so. Plugging in an IV, various machines into another patient (Lane wasn’t sure what they were, patients or prisoners) and giving the usual speech about ‘The Workshop’ as it had come to be called. Making mutants. Heroes. Lane wasn’t so sure anymore.

Their voices faded, the world went dark as Lane fell back into unconsciousness

“Rise and shine, Lane.”

Before they had a chance to react, their eyelid was being wretched open and a penlight shoved into their field of vision.

“Dilation normal, no sign of any outward change. Yet.”

Ajax retracted the light and took some notes on a clipboard, passing it off to Angel who stood at his side.

“And how are we feeling today? Our new cocktail treating you well?”

“Great.” Lane responded tonelessly. The residual grogginess was beginning to wear off, and a dull headache was starting to set into their temples.

“Good. We’ve got some more for you to try, since you’re being such a good girl for us. Isn’t that right, Angel?”

Lane grunted and tried to sit up, their movements limited by the medical restraints that bound them to the gurney.  “S’not a girl.”

Ajax didn’t look up from filling a syringe with some ominously colored liquid. “What was that?”

“I said,” Lane swallowed the dryness in their throat and sat up a bit straighter. Well, as straight as one could while strapped down against their will. “I’m not a girl.”

Ajax chuckled, looking at Lane with his icy blues. He reached out with his free hand and pushed on their forehead, forcing them back onto the bed. “You think we care?”

He brought up the syringe and depressed the plunger, an arc of the dark liquid spraying near Lane’s face. They gagged at the smell of it - harsh and chemical, like burning hair in liquid form. “I could call you a dog for all I care. Would you like that, little girl? To be called a dog instead?”

Lane wasn’t sure if they were doing anything, all these drugs and ritual beatings that were meant to awaken the latent powers inside them, but at that moment they wanted nothing more than to have it work. To melt his stupid face off, strike him with lightning, force-choke him even. But no, all they could do was glare at Ajax’s grinning face.

“Hey shitface, they said they weren’t a girl. The least you could do is respect some pronouns up in this bitch.”

Lane’s eyes shot towards the new voice. Behind the partition they could make out the gurney and the outline of the person on it; a male voice, tired and annoyed, angry even. Lane had lost count of how many times they had rehashed this argument with Ajax, but this was the first time someone else had stepped in.

Ajax sighed, his grin melted away, and nodded his head towards Angel. Angel cracked her knuckles beside him and strode behind the partition; the sound of a fist hitting flesh and a small whimper followed. Lane winced at the sound, having been on the receiving end of Angel’s punches more than once during their time at the farm.

“Enjoy your new roommate, he’s a real talker.”

He pushed the syringe down into the IV port. A burning sensation filled Lane’s veins and took them under into darkness.

_____

“Thanks for that. Earlier.”

“No problem, you’d think with all the estrogen between them they’d be a little more nurturing.”

Lane chuckled softly. It had been a few days before they had the chance to talk to their new roommate; Ajax and Angel had their hands full with him, and as for him, he seemed to treat it like a joke. From what Lane could gather from snippets of conversation, he was a mercenary and not taking things seriously was his forte. Ajax remained cool and collected like always, but Lane could hear the edge in his voice after a session with him.

“He does have a wonderful bosom.”

“That’s what I was going to say!” The voice behind the curtain crowed. Lane wondered how he could still sound so chipper after spending hours locked in a freezer, beaten, and undoubtedly had many more awful things done to him.

An awkward silence fell between them, the lull in conversation punctuated by a scream in some far off corner of the lab. Lane really had no idea how big the space was, having been confined to their own little partitioned area and hooked up to machines, having a bag placed on their head whenever they had been moved to various torture rooms. They guessed that was to disorient them, make sure they had no way to escape.

“How long have you been here?” He asked, and Lane could detect the bit of apprehension in his voice.

Lane bit their lip. They had kept track in the beginning, measuring the days by the various injections or beatings, but after a while, in a place with no windows. . . “I’m not really sure. A month or two, maybe?”

“And no superpowers yet?”

“Nope. But I always was a late bloomer, so.”

The voice sighed.  “I know what you mean. I’m a bit more of a grower than a shower myself.”

“That why you’re here?”

It was his turn to chuckle - weak and forced, like it hurt to do so. A result of various beatings no doubt. “I wish erectile dysfunction was the reason I was here. Two Words. Super. Penis. ”

“Jesus,” Lane groaned at the thought, letting their head slump back onto the padding. “That’s probably the worst superpower you could get.”

“I think you mean best." He replied in a matter-of-fact tone. There was another pause, another scream from somewhere too close for comfort, before he spoke again.“The name’s Wilson, Wade Wilson.”

“Lane. Sorry we couldn’t meet in better circumstances.”

“Oh come on, nothing like a little torture to bond over. Just like summer camp.”

“What type of fucked up summer camp did you go to?”

The overhead industrial lights switched off unceremoniously and the lab was plunged into darkness, save for a few glowing machines and various torture devices running in the distance. Lane shifted, twisting their head to look out through a slit in the medical curtain that partitioned them from the rest of the lab. It was always worse at night, nothing to do in the darkness except let it all wash over you like a cold wave and wait for it to start all over in the morning.

That first night had been the worst, after the very first ‘session’ with one of Ajax’s various cronies when their body had all but given up and ceased functioning. A combination of drugs and electroshock therapy had reduced them to a dribbling mess, screaming internally but unable to lift a finger to wipe the drool off of their chin. It hadn’t gotten easier after that per say, but it did get more tolerable. Became the new normal; any day that hadn’t started with a routine injection or torture device was considered an oddity.

“-and then there was this one time, at band camp I stuck a flute up my-” Wade’s rambling brought Lane out of their thoughts; they hadn’t even noticed he was still talking.

“As much as I love hearing about musical instruments going places they aren’t supposed to,” Lane interjected, “I think I’m going to try and get some sleep.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, that’s important. Need to be fully rested for a full day of torture in the morning. Nighty-night, Lane.”

Lane blinked. They couldn’t remember the last time someone had told them goodnight in a non-threatening way. Hell, they couldn’t remember the last time someone had even talked to them without threatening some form of disembowelment. Holding on to the fleeting moment of kindness, Lane closed their eyes.

“Night, Wade.”

[crazy-little-cool-cat]

Hand in Glove - Chapter 13 | Ben Hardy x OFC

A/N: Well, this is interesting. I really didn’t expect to finish this chapter so soon but Saturday was very productive and I got to work from home, which means I got 0 work done but instead chose to write. It is what it is.

Word Count: ~4.2K

Warnings: Implied smut, actually. Fluff. Lots of Clara/Annie time, lots of Gwil/Ben time. Drinking, swearing, the usual. 

Chapter 1, Chapter 2,  Chapter 3,  Chapter 4,  Chapter 5,  Chapter 6,  Chapter 7,  Chapter 8,  Chapter 9,  Chapter 10,  Chapter 11, Chapter 12

“It’s just an expression!”

“You called me a loser. Me!”

“Considering the fact that my girlfriend is a lot hotter than your girlfriend,” Ben glanced at Gwil, “I’d say it’s definitely a possibility.”

“First of all, that is disgusting!” Gwil faked a gag. “Second of all, I’m not the one who knocked up his mentally unstable girlfriend.”

“She’s not mentally unstable!”

“Right, okay,” Gwil snickered, “just crazy, then?”

“She’s not crazy.”

“Yep, sure.”

“She isn’t! Will you please put something else on, for fuck’s sake? I can’t believe you’re a Tom Jones fan!” Ben rolled his eyes. “God, you’re like an eighty year old man!”

“Fine, I’ll just put on some Abba then -”

“No!!!”

“Queen?”

“Might as well. We could rehearse.”

“I feel bad, rehearsing without the rest of the band.”

“She’s not mentally unstable!”

“Oh, back to that, then?” Gwil chuckled, “alright.”

“She just loves really, really hard.” Ben looked over at Gwil, who nodded slowly with puckered lips. “What?”

“I’ve never heard a more accurate description, is all.”

Ben and Gwil jumped a little when Roger’s screaming falsetto attacked them from the speakers. Frankie started howling along. Gwil quickly fumbled with the volume knob, turning it down to a reasonable volume.

“Ben, do you think you can go that high?”

“Once, Annie accidentally kneed me in the groin and I’m pretty sure I did.”

###

Clara held up her third glass of wine with one hand as she pulled the hem of her oversized Wonder Woman t-shirt over her folded knees. She looked from her glass of wine to Annie’s bump, humming pensively.

“Banana?” Clara tilted her head slightly, “I wanna try something. Don’t breathe!”

“What?!”

“Stop breathing!”

“I need to breathe, you plum!” Annie scoffed. “What are you planning?”

“Lemme!” Clara leaned forward and carefully hovered her wine glass over Annie’s bump.  

“Oh, God,” Annie rolled her eyes and leaned back, “fine. Go ahead.”

“Yay!” Clara’s eyes lit up.

“But if I end up smelling like a drunk housewife, I’ll cut you.”

“You would never!”

“You know I would.” Annie glared at her best friend.

“Yeah, yeah,” Clara chuckled, “you still owe me a disembowelment from five years ago. All bark,” Clara placed the glass on Annie’s bump and leaned back, her hands in the air, smiling proudly. “No bite.”

Annie grabbed the glass and brought it to her nose, taking a deep breath.

“Bumpy,” Annie looked down and rubbed her bump with her other hand, “is it okay if mummy has a sip?”

“Annie!” Clara gasped just as Bumpy kicked Annie’s bladder.

“Guess not!” Annie grimaced and passed the glass off to Clara, scrambling to her feet and running as best as she could to the loo.

Annie didn’t even bother closing the door behind her. Wiggling her hips, she sat down and sighed with relief when Clara appeared in the doorway, wine glass in hand.

“Is the sex any different? Now that you’re preggers?” Clara glanced at her glass and downed its’ contents. “Like, super sensitive and whatnot?”

“I don’t know.” Annie tapped her toes on the tile flooring, leaning her elbows on her knees. She propped her chin on the palm of her hand and sighed. "Sex with Ben is always different.”

“I mean,” Clara leaned against the door frame and flipped her glass upside down, “I heard someone say it was like having sex while high on MJ”.

“He’s just so surprising,” Annie gushed as she rolled toilet paper around her hand, “can you please just turn around for a sec?”

“Banana, I’ve seen your bizz more times than I care to admit.”

“Yeah, but not when I peed!”

“Fine. I’ll just go pour me some more fun juice.”

“Yes!” Annie nodded, “you do that! You’re drinking for both of us now!”

“He’s just so freaking hot!” Clara yelled from the kitchen.

“I know!” Annie sighed with a smile, thinking of Ben. Suddenly, the realization hit her - maybe Clara wasn’t talking about Gwil anymore? “Wait! Who?”

###

“I know you’re in a rush,” Gwil was dancing in his seat, and not because of the music, “but I need to make a quick stop.”

“Christ, Gwil, even Frankie can hold it!” Ben groaned.

“First you call me a loser,” Gwil huffed, “then you compare me to a dog. Frankie?” Gwil twisted in his seat to look back at the sleepy pup, “need to go pee pee?”

Frankie started wagging her tail, slapping it against the back seat. Ben rolled his eyes and pulled over, turning his blinkers on.

“Well, go ahead then, you big baby!” he muttered as Gwil opened his door and took a few steps into the darkness. He drummed along to the music on the steering wheel as he waited for Gwil’s lanky body to collapse back into the passenger seat. “All good?”

“All good.”

The song on the playlist changed and a familiar riff played through. Ben laughed at Gwil’s music, his eyebrows shooting up.

“TLC?” Ben chuckled, “seriously?”

“Hey, I don’t want no scrubs, okay?”

“My God…”

Gwil started lip-syncing along to the lyrics, adding dramatic hand gestures. Ben laughed but couldn’t help but join in. Soon enough, Gwil was filming them both rocking it out to No Scrubs and sent it to Joe. Without fail, Joe’s hysterical voice came through the speaker phone.

“What is this?!”

“Hey buddy!” Ben glanced over at Gwil, who was still doing his interpretive dance. “What are you doing up?”

“Where are you?!”

“On our way to Truro.”

“Who the fuck is that?!”

“God, you’re so bloody American…” Gwil finally spoke. “It’s not who. It’s where.”

“Well, where the fuck is that?!”

“About five hours away?” Ben looked at his navigation app, “well, we’re halfway there, so two and a half hours.”

“But why?”

“Because Ben is impulsive and Annie is holding my girlfriend hostage.” Gwil said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

“You’re going to see Annie?”

“Yep.” Ben couldn’t stop smiling.

“Is he smiling like an idiot?” Joe asked.

“He sure is.” Gwil snorted.

“Have fun, guys.”

###

“It’s been 84 years, Annie!” Clara face-planted into a throw pillow on the sofa, “I’m not okay!”

“It’s literally been just over a week!”

“I miss Gwil!”

“I know, it’s all you’ve been saying for the last hour.” Annie yawned.

“I just wish he was here, okay?” Clara whined. “I have needs!”

“Please don’t talk about your needs.”

“Alright, my little cautionary tale,” Clara teased, “I won’t. We’ve seen where needs will get you.”

“Excuse you!” Annie kicked her gently, “you apologise to Bumpy right now!”

“No!”

“Clara, you will never get to see this baby -”

“Okay!” Clara groaned, “I’m sorry, Bumpy.”

“Apology accepted.”

“I need Gwil.” Clara sighed, cuddling up to Annie’s side.

“As appalled as I am by it,” Annie stroked Clara’s hair, “I get it. I need Ben.”

They sat together in comfortable silence for a few minutes, lost in thought.

“I have an idea!” Clara almost fell face-first into the coffee table in her rush to get to her phone. Tapping clumsily at the screen, she turned on the front camera and curled back up to Annie’s side. “Hear me out on this one.”

“All ears.”

“What if we do a boomerang and send it to Gwil?” Clara had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, “I mean, Ben and Gwil are together for sure. Killing two birds with one stone and whatnot.”

“Okay?”

“So we’re going to pretend to go in for a kiss, yeah?”

“Clara, if you want to make out with me, you can just ask and I’ll say no.”

“Get over yourself, love!” Clara scoffed, “I’m not going to kiss you for real!”

“Good, Ben wouldn’t like that.”

“I have a feeling he would, actually.” Clara held her phone up in front of them, trying to get a good angle, “okay, ready?”

“You’re all shaky, Clara!” Annie snatched the phone away, “God you have zero tolerance for alcohol, you leaf!”

Clara rolled her eyes and took Annie’s face in her hands. They counted to three and leaned in, parting their lips and bumping their noses together.

“Right, let’s see what we got!” Clara rubbed her hands before reaching for her phone. “Oh, yeah, they’ll like this.”

“Let me see!” Annie tilted Clara’s hand and peered at the screen. “Oh. Yes.”

###

“What the…” Gwil mumbled as he looked at his phone. “What is happening?” “What?” Ben munched on a candy bar as he drove. 

“I don’t -” 

“What is it?” Ben’s gaze flickered from Gwil’s bewildered face to the dark road. “Well, it’s something Clara sent me.” 

“Oh?” Ben grinned a bit lopsided, “sent you some racy photos eh?” 

“Not quite a photo…” 

“Well, let me see!” 

“No!” Gwil pressed the phone to his chest, “no. You’ll end up killing us!” 

“Oh, come on!” 

“I mean it!” Gwil switched the screen off, “Annie’s in it, too.” 

“Fuck you!” Ben whined. “Now I have to see it! Although,” Ben chuckled, “you getting all flustered on your pregnant cousin’s nude is -”

“You are absolutely disgusting, Ben!” Gwil smacked him on the back of his head, “they’re not naked! Both are clothed!” 

“Well then I don’t see what the big deal about it is!” Ben rubbed the back of his head. 

“Pull over.” 

“Now you have to pee again?” 

“No, you twat,” Gwil groaned, “I need you to pull over so we don’t wreck the car and die!” 

“Jesus, you’re so dramatic sometimes.” Ben muttered, “it’s like having a fit is in your DNA.” 

“Just shut up and do it.” Gwil commanded.

With a huge sigh, Ben pulled over to the side of the road and parked. His jaw clenched shut, he glared at Gwil. 

“Well, are you going to show me or…” Ben’s rant was cut sort by the two girls moving in on each other and back again, as if they are about to kiss. Their noses bumped and their lips barely brushed against each other, and they both had the most devilish smiles on their faces. “Fucking hell.”

###

Clara sat sulking on the rug, her back against the sofa. She gave up on using a glass and was now drinking straight from the bottle as Annie braided her hair in French plaits.

“Maybe he’s asleep and he just didn’t see it?” Annie said soothingly, “he’s an old man, babe.”

“He hated it!” Clara’s speech was starting to slur, but that still didn’t stop her from chugging on her second bottle of wine. “I ruined everything!”

“You didn’t ruin anything, woman!” Annie’s nimble fingers wove Clara’s blonde locks into perfect braids. She heard a sniffle and a stuttered breath. “Are you actually crying right now?”

“You just don’t understand!”

“Oh my God, you’ve finally gone mad.”

“Shut up!”

“Clara, he’s probably just asleep. You have nothing to worry about.”

Clara’s legs slid forward. She looked like a rag-doll, sitting down with no pants, a t-shirt that could be considered a dress with how long it was on her body and pigtails. Her cheeks were flushed from alcohol and embarrassment and her bottom lip stuck out in a pout. She winked and peered into the bottle of wine.

“S’almost over!” she tilted her head back and looked at Annie with big, glossy eyes, “need more!”

“I think you’ve had enough, actually.”

“Oh, don’t be such a mum!”

“I’m just not keen on cleaning up after you’ve hurled everywhere!”

“Hey, I’m being a good friend here!” Clara tried to point at herself but her hand-eye coordination was long gone, “I’m helping you prepare!”

“Prepare?”

“Um? Yeah?” Clara raised her eyebrows and scoffed, “for when little Josephine comes out!”

###

They rode in silence. Ben’s eyes were fixed forward. He felt like his heart is going to beat itself right out of his chest. He kept looking down at the dashboard to make sure he’s going as fast as he can without speeding, but his foot felt a bit heavy on the gas pedal. He needed to get to Annie, fast.

Gwil, on the other hand, leaned back and closed his eyes. His hands were strategically placed in his lap, hiding the aftermath of Clara and Annie’s teasing. He bit the inside of his cheek, imagining every possible scenario he could think of.

“How much longer?” Gwil’s eyes fluttered open and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“GPS says one hour.”

“Why would she even send that?” Gwil rubbed the scruff on his chin, “I mean, with my cousin, for fuck’s sake!”

“They probably just assumed we were together.”

“They’re not wrong.”

“Nope.”

“Can you go any faster?” Gwil knees bounced impatiently.

“Believe me, I want to.” Ben muttered.

###

“Alright, alright!” a loud hiccup escaped Clara’s mouth, “would you rather sit on a hedgehog or shower with bees?”

“What?!”

“Sit on a hedgehog or shower with bees?”

“How do you even -”

“Don’t dwell on it, man! Just pick one!”

“Sit on a hedgehog!” Annie blurted out. “Don’t yell at me!”

“I’m not yelling!”

“Christ, your drunk voice is so loud!” Annie covered her ears, “volume, lady!”

“Sorry!” Clara whispered.

“Okay. Would you rather…” Annie tapped her finger against her chin as she tried to come up with something. “Would you rather fuck a Teletubby or lick an octopus?”

“Which Teletubby?”

“Does it really fucking matter?”

“Solid point.” Clara yawned. “Lick an octopus.”

“You are disgusting.”

“It’s why you love me.” Clara stood up, swaying a bit on her feet. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a toilet to cuddle.”

###

“What if they’re both asleep and they won’t hear us knocking?” Ben’s eyes were as big as saucers. “What if she didn’t leave the light on and was just kidding and -”

“Ben, mate,” Gwil rubbed his face groggily, “it’s half past two. I’m knackered. Can you stop with this nonsense?”

Ben could have sworn his entire body was buzzing with anxiety and excitement. Frankie was sleeping on her back, paws in the air, in the back seat. On one hand, he envied her more than he cared to admit. On the other hand, he felt like he will never sleep again.

“Gwil?”

“Yeah?” Gwil yawned out.

“Thanks. For coming with me.”

“S’nothing, really.” Gwil shrugged. “You missed your girl, I missed mine.”

“No, really. I owe you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Gwil smiled lazily, “alright then. You can repay me right now if you want.”

“Sure,” Ben nodded, “anything.”

“What’s the baby’s name?”

“Anything but that.”

“Oh, come on!” Gwil groaned. “I’m the godfather! I have a right to know!”

“We’re not telling anyone until Elvis will leave the building, mate!” Ben rolled his eyes, “not even our own families.”

“It’s the only way your can repay me for coming with you, Ben.”

“Shut up.”

“I mean it!” Gwil bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing. “Either you tell me what the baby’s name is right now or you’ll owe me for the rest of your life!”

“You’re not going to let this go?”

“Nope.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

“Hold on then, I need to document this.” Gwil fumbled with his phone and turned on the camera. “Go.”

“Her name is Josephine. Will you let it go, now?”

“You have reached your destination.” The robotic lady on the GPS app announced.

“The light is on.” Ben looked at the door and beamed.

###

Annie grunted as she opened her eyes. The knocking on the door wouldn’t stop. She looked at the clock on the wall and groaned when she saw the time - it was almost three in the morning. A slight panic washed over her; people don’t just knock on doors at this time. She got up as quietly as she could and tip-toed her way to the front door. After taking a deep breath, she looked out the peephole.

Her chin started quivering, her hands shaking. Through the fisheye lens, she saw Ben’s beautiful, tired face, and Gwil right behind him. Frankie’s tail, knocking rhythmically against the wall, was like music to Annie’s ears. She flung the door open, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.

“Shhh, hey,” Ben cooed and engulfed her in his arms, kissing the top of her head, “what’s wrong?”

Annie couldn’t form a coherent sentence. All she could do was weep and hold onto Ben for dear life. She felt Ben’s tears wet her hair and tried to hug him even tighter. She didn’t know why she was crying, or why he was crying.

“We’re pathetic,” Ben wiped his cheeks on his arms before he tended to Annie’s, “aren’t we?”

“Mmm’yeah…” Annie smiled, despite the crying, and bit her bottom lip. She leaned into Ben’s touch, turning her head to kiss the palms of his hands. Frankie stood up on her hind legs, scratching at Annie’s hip for attention. “Hi, baby! I missed you!”

“Where is she?” Gwil grunted as he zoomed past them, “hi Banana.”

“In her room, second door to the left,” Annie said without taking her eyes off of Ben. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you, I wasn’t going home tonight,” Ben pressed his forehead to hers, “and I couldn’t just leave Frankie all alone until Monday.”

“I just didn’t believe you’d actually drive five hours in the middle of the night.”

“I’d do anything for you.”

Frankie came back, running circles around the pathetic duo, biting on her bunny to make it squeak.

“Franks, hush!” Annie giggled, “you’ll wake Clara up.” A shrill scream came from behind Clara’s bedroom door. “Never mind.”

###

“I’m sorry.”

Annie’s eyes fluttered open and she looked up at Ben, her head resting on his chest. After they finished sobbing at the door, all Ben wanted was to take her to bed and drown in her presence. He felt like all five of his senses were screaming with delight, now that she was finally there.

“What are you sorry for?” Annie propped herself up on her elbow. Her free hand trailed up Ben’s body, stopping right over where she could feel his heart beating.

“For how things were when you left.” Ben reached up to push her hair over her shoulder. “For Cassie.”

“You don’t need to apologise for that.”

“No, I really am sorry,” Ben felt like he was free-falling when he looked in her eyes, “you’re pregnant with my baby. I shouldn’t have put you through it.”

“I kind of had it coming, didn’t I?” Annie shrugged.

“Maybe, if you weren’t so pregnant.” Ben smirked and turned on his side, instinctively placing a hand on her belly. “But now that you are?”

“Still had it coming.”

“You left without saying goodbye or sleeping in our bed,” Ben swallowed down a lump in his throat, “and then every time we spoke it just felt so forced and…”

“What?”

“And it scared me.” Ben took Annie’s hand and brushed her knuckles against his lips. “It really fucking scared me.”

“What did?”

“How calm you were.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Usually when we fight you’re all over the place, but the fact that you were so calm...”

“I recall crying until I had to rehydrate all night, actually.”

“Yeah, you cried, but you didn’t yell at me.” Ben rubbed gentle circles on Annie’s bump. “You didn’t even call me names.”

“What?” Annie giggled.

“When you call me names, I know that you’re just royally pissed off but that it’ll pass and we’ll be back to normal again.” He bit his bottom lip, letting it roll out from under his teeth slowly. “And then you didn’t call me names. At all. That’s when I knew I went too far.”

“But you still had Cassie around.”

“I was hoping to get a reaction out of you.” Ben chuckled. “I was waiting for you to call me a twat or a knob or even fucking Boob Tape.”

“Ben Hardy,” Annie scoffed, “are you saying that the only reason you’re here tonight is because I called you a twat earlier?”

“Well…”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Annie rolled her eyes and yelped in surprise when Ben’s lips were on hers.

They both snorted at the same time into the kiss. Ben rolled on his back, grabbing Annie. She straddled him, careful not to lean all her weight on Bumpy, and peppered kisses all over his face.

“Oh, God,” Ben grunted as he turned his head to the side and saw the sunrise illuminate the window softly, “is it already light out?”

###

Ben woke up to the sound of whispers and giggles coming from the foot of the bed. Opening one eye, he peeked and found Gwil and Clara pointing a phone at them.

“What the fuck are you doing?” his voice was raspy from sleep. “Why are you even in our room?”

“First of all, it’s Annie’s room.” Clara whispered, “second of all, Frankie scratched at the door. She needed to be let out.”

“You two are very irresponsible parents.” Gwil tutted. “Sleeping in when your baby needs to go potty.”

“Get the fuck out!” Ben hissed, pulling the covers over his and Annie’s heads. “We’re naked!”

“No you’re not,” Clara retorted, “I can see Annie’s sock poking out.”

“Her feet got cold.” His voice was muffled.

The lump under the covers moved a little. Clara and Gwil exchanged a sheepish glance when the distinct sound of kissing, grunting and stifled moans emanated from the bed.

“Fucking hell, at least wait till we’re out of the room!” Gwil grumbled and covered Clara’s eyes.

Ben’s middle finger poked out of the covers.

###

“What’s all this?”

Clara and Annie peered into the kitchen, coming back from an exceptionally long walk with Frankie. Their cheeks and tips of the nose were rosy from the cool air. They had both woven their hair into intricate braids while outside.

“Ah,” Gwil walked over and kissed Clara sweetly, “I see Helga and Brunhilda have returned!”

“Which one of us is Helga?” Clara looked up at Gwilym, eyes twinkling with love.

“You, of course.” He wrapped his arms around her. “You’re much too dainty to be a Brunhilda.”

“Oh, shove it!” Annie rolled her eyes and walked over to Ben. “What’s cookin’, good lookin’?”

“Well,” he put the lid back on the pot, “we figured you’d both come back hungry after being gone for two and a half hours.”

“Good thinking.” Annie winked.

“And since you are both on vacation, we also figured it would be nice for you two to actually not have to cook for yourselves or get take-out.”

“You’re an angel!” Annie kissed Ben’s shoulder and giggled when he grabbed her face in his hands and stamped a noisy, wet kiss onto her lips.

“Good Lord,” Gwil snorted, “he actually domesticated a feral Annabelle.”

“I think it’s sweet.” Clara cooed.

“Tell a living soul about what you’ve seen over the weekend and I will cut you both,” Annie glared at her cousin, “don’t test me.”

“I take it back,” Gwil stepped back, holding his hands up in front of him, “she’s still a wild beast.”

Ben and Annie exchanged a knowing look, smirking at each other.

“Gwil, take over for me, please.” Ben took Annie’s hand and led her away.

“For crying out loud, mate,” Gwil called after Annie and Ben as they skipped along to the bedroom, “she’s already pregnant!”

###

“Did you start decorating the nursery?” Clara asked as she picked up the dishes once everyone finished eating.

“Well...” Annie squeaked with a grimace.

“Are you waiting for the baby to come out and help you with it?” Gwil snorted.

“I mean, there’s still time! Right?” Annie looked at Ben hopefully.

“You’re six months pregnant, Annabelle!” Gwil glowered, “there’s not a whole lot of it left!”

“I’m well aware of that, Gwilly, thank you.”

“It’s just that I need my gym and my drums,” Ben scowled at his own words once they were out of his mouth, “and we only have that extra room.”

“The baby can’t sleep on the kit, Ben,” Annie snapped, “we’ve talked about this!”

“I was only joking when I suggested that!”

“Were you, really?”

“No…”

Clara and Gwil looked from Ben to Annie during the exchange as if they were watching a tennis match. They both sipped their wine quietly.

“The baby will sleep in a crib by our bedside for the first few months anyway,” Ben reminded his girlfriend, “so we still have plenty of time to figure that out.”

“What about a changing table?” Gwil intervened, “toys? Wardrobe?” Annie and Ben looked at him, dumbfounded. “Discuss.”

“Fuck off mate!” Ben scoffed. “This is a family discussion!”

“He has a point.” Annie shrugged.

“I’m not losing my kit and my gym, Annie.”

“Well, I’m not sleeping in the same room with the kid till she moves out!” Annie crossed her arms in triumph.

“When do you think they’ll figure it out, then?” Clara asked Gwil, her voice low.

“Give them a couple more minutes.” Gwil muttered back. 

“How much space does one baby need?” Ben started talking with his hands, indicating his frustration. “It’s hardly Frankie’s size!”

“It needs furniture!” Annie turned to look at Gwil and Clara, “right?”

“Definitely needs furniture, love.” Clara confirmed and poured herself another glass of wine.

“Our place just isn’t big enough, Ben.” Annie sighed in defeat.

“What if we moved, then?” Ben’s eyes lit up. “To a bigger place?”

“You’d do that?” Annie raised an eyebrow. “You love your flat!”

“The baby needs a room with furniture, yeah?”  

“Yeah.”

“And I need a room for my drums and my gym, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s settled. We’re going house hunting.”

Clara screamed with her mouth closed, clapping her hands.

Taglist: @ramibaby @xgoingdownx @clara-who @violetpond @sweeterthancheese @drummerqueenrmt @westansstuff @rogerinamainbitch @justgivemethekeys  @blondecarfucker @cheeseedreams47 @rogerspoison @deacy-dearest @pinkmarvel @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @darcyshire

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

9. My Sharon…ah a.k.a. porn star alter egos, the other Stone and a dangerous ginger (Part One)

We’ve already been waiting for our food for almost an hour; unlike we do during our usually chaotic meals accompanied by parallel discussions, we’re all sitting silently staring in front of ourselves, trying to use as little energy as possible.

“I’ve told you we should have chosen that vegetarian restaurant…” Jeff mutters in a monotonous voice.

“Of course… and the predator part of the team can go to hell, right? Vegetarian restaurant, ‘course… over my dead body, Jeff.” Smitty hisses indignantly.

“Hey, I see food! Finally!” I sigh relieved as I spot the waitress approaching our table carrying two huge trays with burgers, burritos and fries. On arriving, she recoils desperately since everybody starts shouting their orders to be the first to be served. After a few seconds of hesitation, she puts the trays on the table and then flees terrified. I’m not surprised about her reaction; I’ve never been in the middle of a locust swarm but it can be something similar.

“And people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp…” Judy and Stone recite in unison but realizing the situation they both fall silent embarrassed.

“What???” I inquire confused. Their sudden telepathic connection is pretty strange, not to mention the fact that it didn’t make any sense.

“Armaments, Chapter Two.” Stone lectures me briefly with an eyeroll.

“Verses Nine to Twenty-One.” Judy adds helpfully probably seeing my still clueless expression.

“It’s from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. When Arthur and his knights encounter the Killer Rabbit, they think that the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch might…”

“Thanks for the explanation Mike, I think I’ve heard enough...”

“Finally, my precious.” Judy rubs her hands together and grabs the Tabasco bottle to pour an enormous amount of hot sauce on her large cheeseburger.

“Tabasco? Don’t your lips hurt?” Jeff’s head perks up.

Why would her lips hurt? Did Jeff bite her mouth on the date? I glance at Karrie who answers with a barely visible shrug. So she hasn’t succeeded to learn some details of yesterday’s events either… I haven’t been able to get rid of the guys and make Judy tell everything. I could swear she has been hiding intentionally the whole day, she pretended sleeping when I got on their bus and fake-shopped between the shelves of the store at the gas station for long minutes so that we wouldn’t meet at women’s restroom. She’s quite naive if she thinks I would give up and forget about it so easily…

“Why would her lips hurt?” Scully echoes my thoughts.

“Oh, eheh, I thought I got herpes but luckily it was only a false alarm…” she snickers awkwardly. Herpes? Jesus, she’s impossible… Okay, Jeff definitely didn’t bite her anywhere… I’m not the only one who’s shocked by her words, though, Jeff exchanges a meaningful look with the terrified Mike who forgets to chew for a few seconds, Dave narrows his eyes and glances at Stone who answers with a content smirk. Am I hallucinating or do they know something I don’t?

“Uhm, but really, Tabasco? I didn’t know you liked hot sauce.” I try to direct the chat back to culinary topics.

“Oh, I adore it! But… ugh… cucumber…” she picks out a few slices of vegetable of her burger.

“Are you crazy? I mean, that’s not an actual question, of course you are; cucumber is one of the best things in the world... But if you’re such a picky eater, then take the consequences… ” Stone leans over the table and steals the green treasures from her plate.

“Hey, you haven’t even touched your fries, are you a potato snob? And it is him who calls me a picky eater… Waster… Eye for an eye.” Judy fires back and grabs the small paper bag of fries greedily from Stone’s plate.

“Guys, could you suspend the food fight until we finish our meal? You can stay here and disembowel each other with plastic cutlery but please, wait until we leave, I can’t stand blood…” Eric intervenes. “Judy, are you serious, you eat cheeseburger with knife and fork?” he breaks the character of the form teacher.

“I have to… my mouth cavity is extreme small.” Judy explains making Stone snort.

“Hmph… this is new to me, I’ve never heard this excuse. OUCH!!!” he allows himself a sexist joke, which I immediately punish by stomping at full strength on his left foot.

“Maybe because you’ve never even got close to any type of situations when you could hear it.” Jeff joins the attack with verbal means and a satisfied grin.

“Thank you very much, Jeff… Eeed… your partner is hurting meeee....” Stone whines in the voice of annoying squealer kids.

“Because she’s my feminist girl who immediately avenges jerk behavior.” Ed presses a long and slow kiss on my cheek, which makes me immediately pull closer to him.

“And she bites too…” I whisper into his ear making sure that no one else can hear it. Okay, I know, whispering in bigger company is not the most polite behavior but… it’s been a while since we…

“And how was the exhibition?” Scully’s annoying capon voice pulls me back in the present.

“The s...exhibition…” Smitty giggles and earns a head-slap from Karrie for his immature joke.

“I liked it a lot… Zach has really good eyes to find art in everyday life. It’s cool how these paintings reflect on current public issues or even on each other… You know, painters usually don’t use each other’s work as canvas but with graffiti… anything can happen. The angry owner paints the wall or it gets completed or altered by other artists… And this is why Zach’s work is so worthy; he takes snapshots of society…” Judy rambles unaware of the fact that Jeff is listening to her with dreamy heart-eyes.

“Jeff, I’ve started being jealous, you’ve never taken me to any intellectual programs, always those smoky pubs…” Stone pretends jealousy. Scully turns to him and takes a deep breath while stroking his shoulder gently.

“Stoney… it’s high time you faced the fact that is obvious to everyone else here: he’s ashamed of you.”

“But why? I do everything to meet his expectations… I read every day and…” he sniffs.

“Stone, what you do to those… “artistic” magazines… it can’t be regarded as reading.” Jeff snorts moving his hand obscenely over his lap.

“Jesus…” Ed almost spits out his apple juice of laughter and the general amusement spreads along the table like bushfire.

“Stone, if you want to win Jeff’s heart, you have to count with serious competition, reading won’t be enough.”

“Anyway, Scully, speaking of reading, I actually didn’t read yesterday evening since something very weird happened to me when I was heading to my room.” he darts his eyes at Judy who immediately freezes and stops snickering. “I heard music from the bar and went in to take a closer look at the piano player but I happened to meet…”

“AWWWW!!!” Judy groans with a surprisingly high volume, which makes everyone stare at her. “Dif... dif iv fooo delifiouf!!!” she mumbles pointing at her burger. Judging from her pronunciation, she must be nibbling on a half cow in her mouth.

“After this interesting gastronomic intermezzo, I would go on, may I? So, entering the bar I encountered…”

“Amd de dabafco… heabedly…” Judy keeps moaning. Okay, if she goes on like this, I’ll begin to be concerned about her mental condition, maybe someone spiked her drink…

“Okay, everyone who’s interested in this incomprehensible muttering, raise your hands. Nobody? Great. So, entering the bar I encountered a very weird chick.” Stone begins and for some unknown reason, Judy looks as terrified as if she had realized that her food was poisoned.

“You mean alien kind of weird or sort of a psycho girl?”

“Thanks for the great question, Mike. I don’t know, she seemed to be pretty harmless, she just ordered drinks she didn’t like but at one certain point she grabbed my arm, I thought she could have been able to break it. We also played pool but she insisted on choosing the most hopeless options, as if she had tried to lose intentionally.”

Judy listens to him with a tense attention while literally stabbing her burger with the plastic fork again and again.

“And then?” Ed asks with some impatience in his voice. I can relate to him, Stone’s story doesn’t sound very interesting even despite the theatrical presentation.

“I tried to help her with a few advice but she kept digging in my privacy and left insulted.” Stone shrugs.

“… and this was the story of the evening when Stone almost picked up a lunatic. Thanks Stone, that was interesting, really.” Ed sums up probably everybody’s opinion.

Hearing a snapping voice I squint at Judy; as if she’d just woken up from hypnosis, she examines the two plastic sticks helplessly that remained from the fork. Okay, I have to remind Eric to keep any kind of pointed or edged objects away from her if Stone’s in the room as well.

“Ugh… I’m not sure if I’m able to walk back to the club on my own feet…” Mike rubs his stomach standing up from the table.

“Because you’re a chowhound…”

“Would you be willing to pull me back while I’m sitting on carrier trolley? You would be allowed to insult me in the meantime… Consider it Stone, this isn’t an everyday offer, take it or leave it…”

“Come on Mike, he couldn’t even pull a five-year-old child…” Scully follows them and they begin a heated discussion about the estimated load capacity of Stone’s different body parts.

“Beth… uhm, could we talk for a second?” Jeff steps to me. I wait until everyone else leaves but I’m afraid this conversation will be embarrassing even without the smartass remarks of the others. I’m rooting for Jeff with all my heart but the role of the matchmaker isn’t really for me… I encouraged Judy but that doesn’t mean I want to mediate between them…

“What can I do for you?” I ask although I exactly know the answer. Pushing Judy into his bed and locking the door from outside.

“I don’t know if Judy have told you anything about yesterday evening… and I don’t even want to ask it… “he adds defensively seeing I’m about to refuse to take part in any intervention.

“Then what?” I fold my arms amused. I’m mean, I know. But I can’t help enjoying how this more than six feet tall guy is scratching the ground with the tip of his sneaker.

“Our date ended in a pretty sudden way. I mean, you know, we didn’t… kiss…” he lowers his voice at the last word, unnecessarily, though, since everyone else from the team has already left the restaurant.

“But she didn’t slap you either… I mean, I guess.”

“Exactly, that’s the point… we didn’t talk about what’s next. At first I felt pretty confident but… I don’t know, I realized we haven’t agreed on a second date yet and…”

“Look, I think you expect too much from her… Imagine this situation in a normal environment. And when I say “normal”, I mean the usual dating habits. Girl and guy know each other, guy likes girl so he asks her out, they have a date… and that’s where you are right now. What would you do normally after a date?”

“Uhm, I don’t know, I guess I’d call her a few days later and…”

“See, that’s the key. A few days later. You wouldn’t call her immediately pressuring her to give a feedback. The fact she’s around you basically all the time doesn’t mean she doesn’t need time to process and consider the pace. Plus, you’re colleagues. Plus, there are a bunch of curious people around who are observing you like you were the main characters of a soap opera. So being pushed is probably the last thing she needs.”

“I know, but this insecurity is killing me. I’m not a macho type but I don’t like to be fooled either…”

“I’m convinced that she’s not the type who would intentionally fool you. Just give her a little space.”

“Okay… but I would appreciate if you talked to her… I mean you don’t have to tell me how she feels but…”

Jesus, the guy is persistent and his only luck is that I really like him.

“I can’t promise anything, but if she comes up with the topic, I’ll try to drop some cautious hints. Deal?” I throw my arms in the air unwillingly.

“I knew I could count on you!” he flashes his trademark thousand watt smile at me.

And now, all I have to do is cornering Judy. Because I’m not going to let her screw up everything with this sweet idiot.

***

“Hey, Scully, what happened to my amp during the show? I started being worried about Ethel.”

Mike and I glance amused at each other hearing the sign of Stone beginning to embrace the name of his stuffed pet.

“The ventilator I stood behind it broke down. But your calf wasn’t in danger, she felt like a rock star in the cloud of smoke.”

“Please don’t overplay the role, Scul.”

“I’m not overplaying anything, I can hear her mooing the backup vocals every time you play Black, just ask Dave!” Scully puts his tongue out insulted at Stone.

“Jesus, I never thought I would be the one who warned you but… you smoke too much weed.”

“No because I share it with Ethel, she likes chewing the cud of it…”

“Okay, some hash and acid must have kicked in too…” he rolls his eyes following Scully in the hallway.

“Okay, finally we’re alone, we need to talk.” Mike jabbers pulling closer to me.

“But we’re already talking.” I grin at him enjoying his mongoose moves; I’ve noticed he acts like a nervous little rodent when he’s excited.

“Please Jude, we don’t have time for this, they’re back in minutes.”

“Hey, it wasn’t me who…”

“Jude, it’s about Jeff.”

The smile freezes on my face. I can’t believe this, even Mike? I thought if no one else, he’d leave me alone.

“Mike, I’m not going to discuss this with you, it’s my business. And Jeff’s.” I correct myself for show. Obviously, if I had to choose between discussing our thing (in case we have one at all) with Jeff and impalement, I’d pick the latter.

“Wait, so did it happen? Did he conceal it from us only because he’s a gentleman?” his face lights up suddenly. “Oh, I knew you play in the master class, Jeffrey, you shouldn’t be so modest.” he goes on talking to himself.

“Excuse me???” I cut him off suspecting he’s rambling about something I’m not even willing to call by its name.

“Oh, so you didn’t…?” he asks disappointed. “Then he didn’t lie to us…”

“Mike, would you try to speak coherently?”

“Sure, sorry. So Jeff joined us at the bar after your date and the main character was a girl who was raised by foster parents and she didn’t know anything about her biological family.”

“What?” I stare at him. Oh no, I should have known, he’s drunk.

“And she fell in love with her rich boss who owned an ostrich farm and collected bowling shoes.” Mike goes on and his eyes pop staring at something behind me, which makes me turn around. I notice Dave fidgeting with his drum kit and realize Mike shifted topic so that he can’t overhear us.

“Aaand… was her boss handsome?” I make an insecure attempt to play along with him.

“I don’t know; too much hair gel for my taste but…” he shrugs. “So the guy invited her to his ranch and we discussed your date and Jeff misunderstood everything, your hair, the lenses, everything…”

I guess from his next switch that we’re alone again.

“How do you mean he misunderstood my hair? How can one misunderstood hair at all?”

“He thought you had dolled up for the occasion but Stone tried to convince him that it was only the razor.” Razor??? What if I was right and he’s drunk? Or even high? Or is someone behind my back again? Or did Stone notice with his impossibly green X-ray eyes that I haven’t shaved my legs since I arrived to Cleveland?

“Yeah and after having had sex with him, the girl received an anonymous letter which claimed she and her boss were biological siblings.”

“Oh no! And then? What happened after she had read the letter?” I pretend astonishment and follow Smitty and Karrie with my eyes who carefully lift the soundboard and place it onto the amp to push them out to the van.

“She ran away from the ranch and got hit by a truck. She woke up in the hospital but due to her amnesia no one could identify her. Things got more complicated when the hospital was attacked by zombie apes and they dragged her to their space ship and…”

“Mike, you shouldn’t harass Miss Judy with your pervert movies. Judy, he made me watch that one too, you don’t want to know what comes next, trust me.” Smitty shakes his head and disappears with the gear in the hallway.

“So that was that weird chainsaw sound I heard through the wall last night… Mike, you should see a sex therapist, I’m serious.” Karrie steps back for a second before leaving with Smitty.

“Now I’m really interested in the ending, please go on, Mike.” I grin at the blushing guitarist.

“And Stone also found out about your trick. And now Jeff knows about it as well.” he retorts challenging.

“What are you talking about? I can’t pull out rabbits from a hat or coins from behind anyone’s ears.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” he points at me with an accusing look.

“No, I don’t, could you be more specific?”

“The trick you used to prevent Jeff got pregnant and couldn’t find out if the father was ostrich farm guy or one of the zombie apes. The guy was convinced it was him but the wedding ceremony got interrupted and…”

“Excuse me, Mike but have you just said that Jeff got pregnant from an ostrich farm owner? Or zombie apes? Ugh, I thought Montanans fucked cows but this… this is…”

The steps that made Mike tell on the plotline of the chainsaw porn belonged to Stone who unfortunately must have heard a few words from our actual topic.

“Actually, we wanted to keep it in secret, since you had that little quarrel at the restaurant. You know, pregnant... men have to be protected from any sources of stress. And in the meantime you turned out to be the father but don’t worry, Stone, you’ll be a great dad, anyway. And if you won’t find the front of the child just check it in the manual.” I flash my sweetest smile at him.

“Ugh… I imagined the baby of them, it would be no wonder if no one knew which is their back and their front… Jesus, I need to go to the restroom.” Mike frowns leaving us alone, although I guess the reason of his escape is the six pack beer box that was left unsupervised in the backstage.

“Uhm… Stone… do you have a second?”

To his nodding I start talking.

“Look, I…”

“Time out.” he mumbles rummaging in his guitar case.

“Idiot.” I click with my tong and stomp angrily; even despite my eyeroll I spot a weird twitch in the corner of his mouth which I can’t decode. Who cares, I decided to be a lady this time and I’m not going to let him rile me up. “I… I just wanted to say that I really appreciate that you didn’t mention our conversation to Jeff… or anyone… I guess…” I keep my eyes on the mic cables that I’m trying to untangle in the meantime, with not much success, though.

“Why?” he asks back briefly.

“How do you mean “why”?” I perk my head up.

“Why do you appreciate it? Were you afraid of me doing it?”

I mutter something indistinct since I don’t feel like answering yes but I don’t want to deny it either as who knows what his reaction would be…

“So basically you’re thanking me for not telling to Jeff that you find him amusing, kind and funny? You’re weird, I don’t think he would feel insulted hearing that.”

“No… I don’t… I’m not…” I gibber. And here we are. I hate that he’s able to confuse me with one single word and I hate that he doesn’t let me tell what I mapped out and…

“Are you not thanking me or don’t you find him amusing, kind and funny?” he stares me with that irritating poker face, I wish could punch him… but no. I’m going to stay cool. I don’t let him influence my behavior. I’m the more mature so I can’t lose my temper.

“It doesn’t matter what I said or did. I just wanted to thank you for your discretion.” I try to get out of the situation without giving a straightforward answer.

“Do you think that I shut my mouth to save your ass?” he folds his arms smirking. “Cute theory, truly. But it’s not about you. It’s about Jeff. I didn’t want to embarrass him since…”

“Embarrass him??? I’ve heard you calling him a caveman, a yeti, a Montanan cow-fucker… and you don’t want to embarrass him???” I burst out in an exaggerated laughter.

“At least, I don’t play with his feelings.”

“That’s for sure. You humiliate him in pretty obvious and clear ways. But I don’t like veiled references, let’s be honest. Do you think I fool him?”

“I haven’t even mentioned your name, you’re smarter than I thought.”

The fuckin’ smirk won’t appear from his face. Okay, please, let someone took this cable away from me before I strangle him with it.

“I don’t know what you have to do with my private life but...”

“Nothing, luckily. But our bassist has, however much unprofessional it is to run after a colleague…”

“Speaking of professionalism, you have to play in one of the most important TV shows of this country in less than twenty-four hours and instead of preparing for the big event you’re spending your time with prying into other people’s life.”

“I’ve played Alive and Porch so many times that could do it only using my toes so…”

“EW!!!”

“…so it doesn’t require much preparation. Look, I’m not saying that you’re fooling him intentionally. Or even consciously. I’m only trying to point out that it’s pretty obvious that you don’t have the faintest idea how to handle his affection.” he shrugs.

“But I have a pretty clear idea of not discussing this with you.”

That damn cable has tangled into a huge knot in the meantime and my nervous tugging doesn’t help much with untying it. He takes it out of my hands and starts loosening it with slow, steady moves.

“You don’t have to. But you’d better find out what’s next before things get more complicated.” he reaches his palm with the knot-free cable on it out in front of me.

“Otherwise?” I ask with hands on my hips refusing to take it.

“Otherwise things do get complicated.” he remarks nonchalantly and ties it again into the most complex knot I’ve ever seen. I should answer something witty but I’m just mouthing like a damn fish as he slowly reaches for my arm and pulls it from my hip to put the cable into my hand. I have no idea for how long we’ve been staring at each other when he finally clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair flipping it back. I only start blinking when he grabs his guitar case and leaves the stage. When I hear the nasal voice echoing, I’m still standing motionless on the stage.

“And by the way, nothing’s wrong with my toes.”

***

I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to throw up. I should have already got used to public performances but I feel awful. The whole country is going to watch us and if it wouldn’t be enough, my mom called the whole family, uncles, aunts, cousins, their wives and husbands (including the former ones) and reminded them to turn on the TV at 11 p.m. My symptoms are worse than ever, I really need something to calm down… I should check our dressing room, maybe I find some booze there…

“Hey Mike… are you okay?” Jude approaches me with her tiny, quick steps.

“Yes, I’m okay… I’m almost okay…” I keep marching in circles in the backstage room of Studio 8H.

“You shouldn’t be that nervous, it’s not your first TV performance.”

“You don’t understand… I’ll screw up everything, I can feel it in my guts.” And I mean it literally.

“Haha, why would you? You’ll be great, I’m sure as hell.”

“Because. Before the unplugged show we realized our rented instruments weren’t suitable to anything we wanted to do and Ed fell off the chair during the set… my solos were barely audible…”

And it’s being aired in a few weeks so the whole country will know about the fiasco…

“You shouldn’t be that strict with yourself. But you know what? I know someone who is objective and can smell bad gigs from miles. A real expert.” she smiles cryptically. “We’re going to call Effie tomorrow. She’s going to watch the show, she even wants to record it.”

“Watch? Record??? No!” I squeak in despair. Suddenly, making myself ridiculous in front of my family and the whole American nation sounds pretty marginal in comparison to the fact that the person whom I’ve never met but to whom want to listen until the universe collapses is about to watch me making silly faces and stumble on my own foot.

“Jesus, why?” she sighs with growing annoyance.

“Because… because… she’s a young girl and… young girls should go to bed by 11 p. m.?”

My argumentation doesn’t sound very convincing and Jude looks at me as if I was completely losing my mind, which is pretty close to how I feel right now, actually…

“Okay Mike, now we’re going to look for your dressing room and I help you with a few relaxation exercises I learnt at Juilliard. They helped me overcome the terrible stage fright I used to feel before concerts so trust me…” she wraps one arm around my shoulder and gently but firmly directs me towards the hallway.

“I think Stone has already found our room.” I nod towards our rhythm guitarist who’s standing in front of a door staring it persistently.

“I know you’re convinced you can use the force but what if you tried the door handle?” she remarks in a mocking voice.

“There’s no try.” I help her out with the matching accent.

“Unlike you, the staff seems to be serious with this Star Wars thing.” Stone points with his thumb at a sheet taped on the door. After decoding the sloppy handwriting, I read the following names on it:

EDDIE VADER

JEFF AMEN

MIKE MCREADY

STEVE GOSSARD

DAVE ABRUZESE

       ABBRUZESE

     ABBRUZZESE

“Excellent.” Stone mumbles.

“I think they expected your porn star alter egos.” Judy shrugs casually.

“Our what?” I glance at her furrowing my eyebrows.

“You know, porn actors and actresses all use stage names, borrowing those of celebrities. Of course they always change the spelling to avoid legal problems.” she picks the sheet at the typos in our names.

“And what kind of porn actor would call himself Eddie Vader?” I ask in disbelief.

“Maybe he’s the protagonist of a kinky, incestuous story flavored with father issues. And Jeff Amen…”

“…is the naughty parish priest of a sleepy, small town somewhere in Montana.” Judy finishes Stone’s sentence. “Whereas Mike McReady…”

“…bangs everything that moves and comes in like five seconds?” Stone chuckles and although Jude tries to keep a straight face, to my biggest surprise, I spot a mischievous sparkle in her eyes that sends a completely different message towards him. They team up and joke at someone else’s expense? That’s new to me.

“You…” I point alternatively at Judy and Stone, who are still staring at each other with the same half smile on their face “…you’re supposed to be enemies, okay?” They finally notice I’m talking to them and interestingly, they both rearrange their facial muscles into a nonchalant expression in a fragment of a second. “Anyway, what about Steve Gossard?”

“It’s pretty obvious. The crew of SNL wanted him to feel like a normal person, at least for one day.” Judy explains. “Of course they didn’t know that a proper name was barely enough but they gave it a try.” she adds fixing her glasses and avoiding Stone’s glance.

“You can joke with my name but it’s undeniable that my name is the coolest porn star name in the world. Get it, Stone, hard like a stone, the connection is undeniable.” he slaps back putting on his disarming smirk and does indistinct moves with his hands to underline his theory.

“No sane porn actor would use your name but you know what, if you feel better of that thought…” Judy shoots one more arrow saturated with sarcasm after Stone who started pacing towards the studio room in the meantime.

“I don’t have time for this right now. If anybody looked for me, I’m gone to find Sharon Stone. Who borrowed her name from you know whom…” he answers with a high-minded wave, not even looking back at her.

“Who exactly needs to relax?” I squint at her. Am I hallucinating or are her nostrils really fuming? She looks like a dragon that’s ready to burn down a whole metropolis.

“I’m relaxed, Mike.” she utters slowly. “I’ve never been more relaxed.”

We spend like half an hour in the dressing room before the rehearsal. Although Judy’s exercises are efficient, I still find this whole process more stressful than a simple sound check. There are cameras and fussy crew members everywhere, we’re even asked to do everything the same way as we will do it in the live show. Like it was possible to ask Ed bouncing both times in the same way or Stone bouncing during the sound check at all, which he never does anyway... It’s just ridiculous. The glass-wearing, stage manager called Joe has even to act like the host of the show announcing us and then clapping exactly for five seconds playing the audience… like we were in some fuckin’ theater.

After having played “Alive” and “Porch” umpteen times, the director shows up to discuss the details of the gag in which they want us to participate.

“So according to our conception, the scene begins with Sharon Stone sitting cross-legged in a chair, wearing her famous dress from Basic Instinct. He announces you and after a cut, the camera shows you staring at her with dropped jaws for a few second. Can you do it?” he shares the plot. He seems to be impatient, probably because of the tight schedule.

“What a great idea. Of course we can, we do that all the time, right, guys?” Ed mumbles in a colorless voice. He’s right, it sounds like a pretty schematic, cheap, sexist joke, which doesn’t really fit our style but luckily, we’re open about our principles enough not to compromise ourselves by doing it.

“But where’s Sharon Stone? We need her to the scene.” Stone insists; he’s the most enthusiastic from the band for obvious reasons.

“As I’ve said, there will be a cut in the scene, which means we don’t need her to be able to shoot your part. Ms. Stone hasn’t arrived yet, anyway.” the director tries to keep his temper but Stone isn’t really cooperative in this process.

“But I’m not an actor, I can’t pretend I’m watching Sharon Stone if I’m not. I’m afraid I can’t do it without her.” he shrugs flashing his most irritating lopsided grin.

“I’ll see what I can do. But you need to wear the same clothes as in the live show, so please, go and change…” the director decides to quit the conversation. I can understand him.

We gather again in the same room about ten minutes later.

“Where is Sharon Stone?” Stone repeats the million-dollar question like a broken record player.

“I am Sharon Stone.” I turn in the direction of the familiar male voice and I notice Joe, the grinning stage manager waving towards us. “At least for the next ten minutes. I can even sit in that chair like her if that helps you. But I’m not willing to put on that dress, I like this sweater better.” he remarks addressing his words to Stone.

“No… uhm…I don’t think it’d be necessary… I learnt how to use my imagination in the last ten minutes…” he mutters.

The makes a few takes of our dumbest stares but we’re not told which one is the winner. Not that I’m interested in any of them.

“Hey, stunned guy, you were awesome.” Jude nudges me while I’m heading back to the dressing room, which makes me start.

“Huh, what?”

“Your stunned face. I saw your acting performance in the control room, I think it was sweet.”

“Oh. Thanks.” I flush. Maybe I should practice how to look stunned… maybe she’s not the only Camden girl who thinks I’m sweet… Cool down, Cready, what if she’s a hideous, toothless frog?

“Hey, and what about me?” Jeff catches up to us, provoking Judy to compliment him too.

“Your face can’t even be seen of that fur hat… I could cut a few holes into it for your eyes, nose and mouth, if you want to.” she teases him, which he answers by sticking out his tongue at her.

“That’d be problematic. His brain has already grown to the hat, if you tried to cut into it, you would basically execute a lobotomy on him.” Stone maneuvers between them, to Jeff’s utmost delight.

“It’s like you and your scrunchie, right? It blocks your skull so that your cerebrum doesn’t fall out of your head and roll away during your head bobbing.” she imitates Stone’s typical, pigeon-like neck moves. After a quick half turn, Stone rambles on walking backwards.

“Why don’t we discuss your potato bag dress too… sorry!” he adds mechanically not even glancing at the tall, blonde woman into whom he’s just bumped. She looks familiar but I can’t recall if I have met her and if I have, where...

“Ha, Stone Gossard is trying to give me fashion advice, I like that…”

“Yes, maybe you should set your own house in order at first…” Jeff retorts too.

“…says the guy who sleeps wearing a hat.” Stone keeps torturing our bassist.

“How could he take it off? His brain…” Judy points at Jeff’s forehead.

“Don’t make me turn this car around...” Jeff grunts.

“But where’s Sharon Stone?”

***

I loathe restrooms of public places so much. Small, tight compartments, like this one. Even the lock is broken so I have to hold on to the door handle while I’m balancing over the toilet bowl of questionable tidiness. At least, I don’t have any company; I hate sharing my most intimate body functions and enjoying those of the others at the same time. Awkward sounds and unpleasant smells… I know it’s a natural thing but still… I’m almost ready when I hear the door squeaking and heels tapping on the tiled ground. Unfortunately the owner of the legs picks the compartment next to me… great, one can’t even finish her internal monologue without being bothered. Maybe if I don’t move and breathe, I can stay unnoticed.

“Damn.” I hear my neighbor cursing. “Hey… there’s someone over there, isn’t it?” I hear the voice again from the level of my ankles. Of course, she peaked around under the wall, next time I should crouch down on the top of the toilet. “There’s no toilet paper in this one, could you give me a few sheets? Just put them into my hand, I think I can manage to reach for them at the bottom…

“Sure…” I groan. And now? Should I ask her whether she wants to pee or…? I make a quick calculation and tear off and hand her the estimated needs of an adult woman with healthy digestive system. I can get a glance at hear shoes in the meantime, one could commit a suicide by jumping off them. I decide to sneak out while she’s doing her job (whatever it is) to avoid the usual embarrassing encounter. I’m already washing my hands when the entrance door opens and it is Beth who slams it behind herself with a victorious smile.

“Ha! There you are.”

“So now you’re even following me to the restroom too?” I ask sarcastically.

“It was you who forced me to do it. And neither of us will leave until you finally tell me what happened last night.” she leans her back to the door folding her arms.

“Nothing particular, I don’t know why…”

I forget to finish the sentence since the door of the occupied compartment gets suddenly kicked out and a blonde, tall, beautiful woman basically falls out in front of the sinks.

“Shit, it got stuck, I was already thinking I would die here… Gosh, I hate this dress so much, I’m going to set it on fire in the second my contract’s running out, I swear.” she fixes the tight mini dress she’s wearing. Let’s wait for a second… Is she? Oh my… She is.

“Judy, nothing and nobody can distract me this time, not even Sharon Stone.” Beth stares me with her coldest look.

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you, just finish the girl talk.” she remarks cleaning and drying her hands.

“So, are you willing to tell me what happened or should I pull everything word by word out of you?”

“Can I choose the word by word version?” my lips pull into an embarrassed smile but Beth’s reaction is crazier than expected. She turns the key in the lock and walks slowly to the toilet bowl in the closest compartment.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be more cooperative?” she flashes a somewhat terrifying grin and swings the key over the toilet.

“You can’t do it, you can’t take us hostage… you can’t take Sharon Stone hostage here. She needs to go back to the set.” I try to make her come around.

“Actually, I don’t feel like going back so I’d stay… if you don’t mind, of course.” the captured sex symbol ruins my argumentation.

“Great. A real girl party.” Beth confirms with a plastic smile. “So, what happened yesterday evening?”

“Yeah, what happened yesterday?” Sharon repeats the question curiously. “Do you mind if I…?” she pulls a cigarette and a lighter out of her tights and since we both shake our head, she lights up.

“She had a date with Jeff.” Beth explains with a meaningful look. “With Jeff Ament.” she adds realizing the name didn’t ring a bell with her. “With Jeff Ament from Pearl Jam.” she narrows it down seeing the still clueless face of our chat partner. “And now it’s time to share the details.” she turns back demanding to me.

“Okay…” I sigh and give them a quick review about the date, trying to stay as objective as possible, avoiding any forms of judgment and not leaving any occasion for speculations.

“And at the end, you chickened out and used the trick.”

“Seriously, Beth, what trick? Mike told me the same and…”

“So you’ve already discussed it with Mike!” she shouts outraged. “Anyway, I’m talking about the herpes trick, of course.”

“What???”

“Pretending to have herpes to avoid being kissed.” Sharon enlightens me making me feel week-minded.

“Who… who would do something like that?” I try to sound innocent.

“Oh, come on, sweetie. The herpes trick is older than herpes itself. It’s a part of the female toolkit.” she goes on taking a deep drag.

“Judy, there’s nothing wrong in acknowledging you got confused and made a desperate decision.” Beth mellows out. “You can talk to me about your insecurities, it’s not a shame. I was too pushy and I’m sorry for that but I really think he’s a great guy and deserves a chance.”

“I know, I just… I’ve known him for... how long? Two weeks? I barely know him! And the thought of him having known me for the same time and wanting to know me better… maybe not only as a friend… it freaks me out. I’m not saying I’m not interested in him at all, it’s just… too fast!” I blurt out finally.

“Okay. You know what? If you’re not sure about your feelings… or expectations… let’s make a checklist! I mean… you start listing the characteristics you like and want to find in a guy and I tell you if Jeff has them. I’ve known him for more than two weeks…”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ve started being interested in that Jeff guy too.” Sharon hops on the sink with a bright smile.

“Jesus… guys are not like shopping lists… but okay, whatever!” I throw my arms in the air. “First of all… he must be reliable. I don’t like good-for-nothings.”

“Checked.” Beth nods satisfied.

“And… he must have a good sense of humor. If he can’t make you laugh or if he makes you explain your jokes, run!”

“Needless to say, but checked!” she confirms enthusiastically.

“The guy I’m looking for is… intelligent…”

“…checked…”

“…smart…”

“…checked…”

“…creative…”

“…checked…”

“…some talent doesn’t hurt either…”

“…some talent checked…” I can’t not notice that her voice gets more and more bored at every answer.

“He must be amusing and kind and funny as well. And interesting and gentle too.” I jabber in one breath.

“Checked, checked, checked, checked, checked… Come on, Judy, how long do you want to go on with this to believe he’s ideal for you?” she huffs impatiently.

“There’s one more thing.” I cut her off. “He… he must be attractive. Physically.” I feel my face reddening as I add the last word.”

“Checked.” she replies without hesitation. “Checked?” she repeats it with a questioning face and due to her reaction, I realize I’m scowling.

“I… I don’t know… I mean… he’s definitely not unattractive… but I’ve never felt that “let’s jump into bed immediately” vibe when being with him…” I try to express my feelings although the only thing I want to do is to mumble something indistinct and escape from this fuckin’ piss-smelling room.

“Now here’s the point!” Sharon exclaims and points at me holding her cigarette between her index and middle finger. “You don’t feel the buzz! Forget him.” she adds in a serious voice.

“The fact you don’t want to take him to bed immediately only means you’re not a slut. If a guy’s personality is likable, you can suddenly realize you’re attracted to him physically too. You should just spend some time with him without any pressure and let things happen.” Beth talks her over ignoring the advice.

“Bullshit! It’s not about having sex on the first date but there must be a spark… even if you don’t notice it immediately. Passion won’t grow out of nothing, trust me. Yes, passion, that’s the key. It isn’t worth a pile of shit if there isn’t any passion between you.” she flails intensely with the cigarette.

“Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know any of you two.” Beth keeps persuading me and honestly, I don’t know whom I should believe.

“By the way, which one of the guys is Jeff? Is he the lanky one?” Sharon inquires while she’s stubbing the cigarette on the sink and then drops it into the trash bin.

“The tall, athletic one.” Beth helps her out. “The one with the hat.” she rolls her eyes seeing the uncomprehending expression of her.

“Oh. I thought he was the lanky one, with the ponytail.” she mutters disappointed.

“Ugh, Stone?” I groan in disgust.

“Yes, the one that almost hit me in the hallway. I heard you teasing each other, I thought something was going on between you. It looked definitely passion-like.”

“Wait, was that you?” I giggle.

“Yup. Wearing a leather jacket, denim pants and no makeup.”

“I have to tell this to Stone, he’ll freak out. He really appreciates your… ahem… talent… very much. Obviously not much enough to recognize you in “civil” clothes. Anyway, nothing is going on between us, let alone passion. Apart from the fact that we hate each other passionately.”

“Interesting, I could have sworn… But hate is a good start. Better than nothing. Have you ever tried hate sex?” she asks out of the blue.

“Excuse me, what?” I cackle.

“Of course, you haven’t. But you should. It’s hot.” she leans closer confidentially. “It makes things extremely complicated most of the times, but it’s hot. Anyway, what time is it? However much I’ve got fed up with drooling crew members, I should go back, they want to pre-record a few scenes…”

“Shit, it’s late you’re right. Beth, would you…?”

She fishes the key out of her pocket and unlocks the door unwillingly shaking her head.

“I hope you don’t let yourself be influenced by this… this… actress…” she whispers to me while we’re walking back to the studio room following the person in question.

“You mean by having sex with Stone?” I joke but Beth doesn’t seem to appreciate my humor so I go on sincerely. “Why would I? I’ve known her for like ten minutes. And I consider your advice but… you know it’s not as easy as you think, Jeff doesn’t stay away from me for a minute, the “without any pressure” factor depends on him too…”

“I see what I can do, don’t worry.” she smiles mysteriously in front of herself.

“Don’t you dare talk to him, do you want to ruin my life?” I scream-whisper since we’ve arrived to the waiting room in the meantime. The guys are talking standing in a circle apart from Stone who’s fixing his half ponytail with undivided attention in front of the mirror. What a narcissistic asshole.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be the prettiest poodle at the dog exhibition.” I remark casually as I pass him by.

“Do you prefer stray dogs?” he shouts after me in his irritating teenage guy voice. “Anyway, where is Sharon Stone?”

“I’m here and I’m ready for the action.” she answers in the steamiest tone I’ve ever heard and walks along the room with hypnotic hip moves.

“Stone, are you ready too?” I ask grinning ear to ear at my blushing enemy but I can’t enjoy his embarrassment for long since someone leans over my shoulder and sings two words into my ear.

“Hate sex…”

[atozphantomsquadron]

Chapter 20: Bottomless World

July 17th, continued

I’m almost too shocked to speak.  Here he is.  He’s been trying to kill me.

“Dad?”

He looks at me, wide-eyed.  He pants.  He whimpers.  He mutters.  His face has been scarred, more than I remember it being.  It looks like someone spent a lot of time working him over, torturing him.  I hesitantly approach him.

“Stay back!  Stay back, you monster!”

What?

My eyes start watering up.  “Dad, what are you saying?  It’s me, it’s Alanna.  Remember?”

The look I see in his eyes is fear.  He sheathes the Sabre and backs off further.  As he slowly stands up, I’m desperately looking for a control chip scar.

There isn’t one.

“What are you?  How can you do that?”

He’s still frightened.  He’s still Scolar, but he’s Dad too.  My mind is full of conflicting emotions.  I feel the tears starting to fall …

“Daddy, please, I’m still your little girl …”

He screams and runs.  Without thinking, I break into a run after him, trying to catch him, though I have no idea what to do when I catch up.  He runs too fast, though, and I can’t keep up, not with the kinds of injuries I have; it’s going to hurt too much to fly that fast.

He’s gone …

I drop to my knees, resigned to the facts.  My dad’s gone.  Cole Sharpe is no more.  Tyrelius Scolar is who the man is now, through and through.  My shoulders shake with sobs, this pain that I’ve never known, even more than my physical injuries.

Ultimate betrayal …

“Alanna!”

I’m barely cognizant of Michi’s voice as she runs up behind me.  I feel her arms clasp around me, hear the relief in her voice.

“Oh God, Alanna, we thought you were a goner … what happened?”

I don’t answer her.  I can’t.  I can’t speak.

“Alanna?  What’s wrong?”

More tears are coming … though this time not from sadness.  I hear William and Gabe running up behind us.

“Alanna!  Thank the Creator!”  William’s voice should be soothing right now, but I’m too numb.  Too much rage …

I finally stand up, loosing Michi’s arms from around me as I do.  I turn very slowly and find that Gabe is right there.

“Oh good, Alanna, you’re safe.  I was worried there, but it looks like Durga’s training has paid off.  Come on, we need to get back to the Ranch … Fahaian came back for us.”

He starts walking, motioning for us to follow.  William and Michi start to.

I’ve finally found my voice again.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Gabe?”

He stops short, turning his head questioningly.  “I don’t think this is the proper time or place, Alanna …”

“I don’t give a damn.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

Michi looks between me and Gabe quizzically.  “What?  Tell her what?”

Gabe still won’t answer.  Talk to me.  Please!

My voice comes out as a dragon roar, shaking the ground. 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME SCOLAR WAS MY DAD?!”

This finally gets the reaction I want out of Gabe.  He winces and turns to face me, as he should have when I first asked him.

“Alanna, I warned you at the start that there were things you would need to find out for yourself.  This was one of those things.”

I’m growling.  “And that means you get to hide information like this?  Jesus, what if I’d killed him?  What if I’d run him through, disemboweled him, and when the Invader armor shrank away only then found out he was Dad?”  My voice lowers.  “Don’t you care about him?  You were his friend.”

“It’s a calculated risk, Alanna.  He would understand, he was a military man, he knew tactics and strategy …”

My growl interrupts the agent.  I’ve heard enough of his words.  “I don’t care!  This is Dad … MY Dad we’re talking about, not some random soldier!”  The tears are pouring out now.

Gabe has no expression on his face.  “He might already be a casualty …”

That’s it.  It erupts out of me, before I can even think.  A fire stream that feels like it comes from the bowels of my soul, which looks to completely consume Gabe.  He stands in the fire, motionless.

I spew flames until I’m coughing, until I can find some satisfaction.  Unfortunately, it’s not enough.  He’s still standing there, unhurt, his bottomless cup of coffee still in his hand.  His clothes aren’t even burnt.

“Feel better, Alanna?”

I have nothing left but to spit at him. 

“GO TO HELL, GABE!” 

I storm my way past Michi and William, who have remained motionless throughout this exchange.  They don’t want to cross me.  Good strategy.

I don’t even want to cross me right now.

Before long, I’m running through the ruined SSA facility, my body giving in to the new transformation that I’m slowly starting to control.  My wings unfurl.  It hurts like hell, but I flap them and force myself into the air.

Pain is my only companion, the only one I can trust right now.  I can’t be around them anymore, not right now.  I need time, I need distance …

I need Mom and Dad.

[pyro-yoshi]

Horror inspired imagine scenarios: blood and vomit together

I LOVE horror movies, and I love a good bloody, gorey death scene. Add vomit and it’s even better. Gore and vomit go together like mint and dark chocolate. Sure, plenty of horror movies have a scene where a character pukes, but it’s usually really fake looking. Plus it’s often the character sees an eviscerated corpse of someone they know and pukes variety.

Here are some unique puke/gore combos that I’ve come up with. Enjoy!

1. A husband and wife are having a romantic evening at home. The kids are having a sleepover at a friend’s place, so they’ve got the night to themselves and things are getting heated...little do they know there’s a killer lurking in the shadows! And you know how movie killers are. He’s pissed that he’s not getting any, so he kills anyone who even so much as flirts. The man goes downstairs and gets some wine, not noticing the machete wielding psycho looming in the darkness (maybe it’s Jason. Maybe it’s not.) He attacks and slices the man’s stomach open, resulting in a shower of blood, guts and vomit alike spilling out all over the place. The killer finishes off the man with a good old decapitation, then goes upstairs and disembowels the woman in an equally gorey fashion.

2. A group of guys and a couple girls are up at a cabin in the woods drinking and having a bonfire. They are oblivious to the sadistic murderer that lives in the woods. He’s already slaughtered the slutty blonde girl and her sleazy sex crazed boyfriend. Everyone assumes that they’re just banging in the woods somewhere. The alcohol flows freely, and everyone’s having a good time. The really hot guy drinks too much and starts feeling super nauseous. He stumbles away from the others to go lay down in the cabin, but before he makes it there, he starts puking his guts out all over the place. He detects someone behind him and thinks it’s one of his buddies. Surprise! It’s the killer! The killer slits the young man’s throat right as he heaves again, causing puke to gush out of the wound.

3. A demon has haunted a family’s home and possessed the kids in different ways. The couple’s oldest kid is a young man around 20 or so. At night, the possessed teenager creeps downstairs. He takes a crucifix off the wall and in true Exorcist style, proceeds to let Jesus fuck him. He jerks off as he pounds his own ass with the crucifix until he’s bleeding, then he rams it down his throat and gags himself. He projectile vomits all over the living room in an epic fashion right as he comes on himself. Of course, being possessed he recalls nothing of it the next morning.

4. A guy has become host to a shape shifting alien organism (think The Thing). The creature inside him started off microscopic and has been slowly growing and taking him over cell by cell. He feels incredibly sick and before long, he starts throwing up everything in his stomach. Once he starts, he can’t stop. When all the half digested food is gone, he throws up bile and some blood. Tears stream down his face. Finally, he pukes up the revolting creature that had been inside him. He knows he’s fucked, as he’s still human but knows he won’t be for long. He shoots himself in the head to prevent himself from turning into a Thing.

The Thing (John Carpenter’s version of course) is my favorite movie and I could probably fill a whole list with unique emeto situations regarding it. Just think. Alien organisms taking people over from the inside, fleshy tentacles being jammed into every orfice...plenty of reasons for someone to puke.

[its-negans-lucille]

The Silent One - Part Twenty

THIS IS A REUPLOAD

You can find the other parts of this story and my Masterlist HERE!

Synopsis: Negan goes to Alexandria to ask some questions about the recent escapee and you have you second day on the fence. Ships: Negan x Reader (slow burn (duh)) Words: 1,479 Warnings: Curses, over use of the word ‘walkie’ Category: Angst

*** Reader POV ***

You had a large sniper rifle in your hands as you walked slowly up and down the section of fence that you were sworn to protect. You job down here was to take out the walkers that were pressing up against the fence or who had somehow gotten loose. It was dull work but you had wanted to get involved so here you were. You were also too stubborn to tell Negan that you found this work dull so you kept your mouth shut and got on with it.

You had been standing stationary for about five minutes, watched one particular walker who kept on snapping its teeth at you, desperately trying to get to you. Something silver close to the ground caught your eye. You snapped your head toward its source but you couldn’t see anything. You took a step close to the fence when you heard a loud voice call.

“I’m going to go and help some shit-wit a few towers away. If you need me just use the walkie!” Arat called as she stepped down from the dilapidated, wooden, tower where she had been previously observing you from. She tossed you a walkie-talkie which dropped on the floor in front of you a few feet away. You watched her until she had rounded a corner of the block of buildings called The Sanctuary.

You slung the gun over your shoulder as you crouched down to pick up the walkie. You turned it over a few times, learning the buttons and such when you heard a whisper. Something so quiet that you weren’t sure that you’d heard it at first. You slowly turned around, attaching the walkie-talkie to your belt and swinging your gun from over your shoulder.

You stood up straight and scanned the fence, your finger on the trigger of the sniper.

“Psst.” There it was again. You stepped toward the fence when you saw it. Standing there, covered from head to toe so that he was almost unrecognisable, was your best friend and your previous partner in crime, Jesus.

*** Negan POV ***

“Listen up fuckers!” Negan proclaimed loudly as he banged the butt end of Lucille on the side of one of the Alexandrian’s car. “Christ has escaped his tomb!” Negan said loudly, expecting down cast looks or possibly looks of joy but all he got was puzzlement. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fucking hell, I didn’t just kill a fucking puppy. I made a joke, now I know that’s a damn foreign concept to you people, but, fuck, c’mon.” Negan said in a disheartened tone. “What I’m trying to fucking say it your friend got out and now we’re here to search your town!” Negan smiled as his men that he had taken with him surged forward as one, going to go search the houses for any trace of Jesus.

“Rick, walk with me.” Negan commanded as he strode past Rick so that he had to catch up with him.

“We didn’t do anything.” Rick said in a solemn voice. This time with Negan was slowly wearing the bearded man down, he no longer put up a fight.

“Mhm. Well, we’ll see.” Negan shrugged as he stepped up onto Rick’s neat porch, a rocking chair slowly creaking back and forth in the breeze. “How about you invite me in for a drink? Eh, Rick? Man to man?” Negan said as he playfully punched Rick in the shoulder.

Rick gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, probably thinking about something that would definitely get everyone in this community killed. Rick obviously thought against his thoughts of caving in Negan’s frontal lobe as he stepped forward and opened the door, gesturing Negan inside.

Negan swiftly made himself comfortable by crossing the room and beginning to rummage in a few draws. He carried on doing this for quite some time before he stopped and let out an almost childlike, curious, gasp of excitement. Rick was hanging back, watching warily from the centre of the room, not even bothering to try and stop him from searching his home.

“What’s this?” Negan asked in a loud, charismatic tone as he turning over a walkie-talkie that once would’ve been a dark grey colour but now was covered in crayon marks and a few patches of glitter. “I didn’t really think this was your style, Rick.” Negan chuckled.

“Yeah.” Rick said in a low voice, his eyes darting nervously from Negan to the walkie in his hands, Negan took note of that. Rick stepped forward with his arm outstretched. “I’ll just have that back now…” Rick said in a low voice as he avoided eye contact with Negan.

“Now, Rick, you’re not hiding anything from me, right?” Negan asked as he took a step forward, entering Rick’s personal space. “Because, remember, I still have one hostage with the right number of functioning limbs.” Negan said in a low, dangerous voice.

“No, of course I’m not-” Rick started but he was cut off by Negan who pressed the button on the side of the bedazzled walkie-talkie and said:

“Any fuckers there? If you answer you get the grand prize of… Drumroll please…”

*** Reader POV ***

“Any fuckers there? If you answer you get the grand prize of… Drumroll please… Meeting my baby girl Lucille!” Proclaimed a crackly, blood chillingly familiar voice from where Jesus was standing on the other side of the fence. Negan was on the other end of Jesus’ line.

You shook your head incredulously.  

Swiftly, before any walkers could get to him, Jesus took out a knife and cleared out the dead in his immediate area so that he was free to talk to you without the imminent threat of death by disembowelment.

“Listen, I can explain.” Jesus began in a low, calming voice.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You hissed in a frustrated tone.

“What, not happy to see me?” Jesus asked with a cocked eyebrow. “Well, most of me.” He said with a wry smile as he pulled up one leg of his denim jeans to reveal a blade beneath it, much like the blades that runners use. “One of the guys at Alexandria had a niece with one leg and she liked track, she died when it all began and honestly he was happy to give it to me.” Jesus said as he dropped the leg of the jean.

“Jesus, you need to leave.” You said in a low voice. “Please.” You implored, constantly looking over your shoulder as Arat could get here at any second.

“I will, I will. After I give you this,” he fished out a walkie-talkie from his pocket and pushed it through the fence. “So me and Rick can talk to you form Alexandria.” He smiled.

“Wait, so you’re not here to … to rescue me?” You asked in a suspicious voice. Jesus’ face fell as he shook his head.

“I’m sorry.” Jesus said in a low voice. “We’re trying our hardest to get enough supplies for the Saviours and that doesn’t leave much time for…  for…”

“For me.” You finished, your face downcast.

“Listen, I’m really sorry.” Jesus said with a sigh. “We’ll get you out, I promise. One way or another. Even if we have to kill Negan.”

You felt your stomach drop. “Kill him? Isn’t that a little. . . extreme?” You asked, trying to sound tentative and nonchalant but you ended up sounding worried.

“I don’t have a leg, (Y/N).” Jesus said in a flat voice.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” You said absently, thoughts racing through your head “I have to go, I’m really sorry. We’ll walkie you every other night at twelve.” Jesus said, already backing away from you.

“Morning.” You said in a low voice.

“Morning?” Jesus asked, bemused.

“Negan is never up before ten o’clock. Walkie me at seven.” You said. You saw Jesus give a curt nod.

“Take care of yourself.” Jesus said as he back away, trying to keep away from the Walkers.

“I always do.” You shrugged, not entirely believing it.

***

Thank you all so much for reading and bearing with me. I’ve been sick over the past few days and before that school just hadn’t been good and I was having a hard time. So thank you again for baring with me! Thank you so much for reading! Have a lovely day

@negans-network

[supercultshow]

Hello Supercult West! This is Supercult South Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Hitting Stunt Men with Cars” with a minor in “Saving the hot girl, and leaving the guy to get eaten by a Mummy”) and I’m reaching out to you from across the country to help hype tonight’s screening of basically the best genre film in the world, the Seventh Curse! Which genre, you ask? All of them.

Released in 1986, this Hong Kong adventure film is based on the Dr. Yuen adventure novel series by Ni Kuang. The film is basically a Chinese language fusion of Indiana Jones, Alien, and Army of Darkness and if that description alone doesn’t keep you in your seat for the next 78 minutes then you may need to get your head examined. But just in case, let me give you the low down on why this is probably a better film than all three of those films combined.

They have to put actual film on the poster so people won’t think that they’re advertising a book, or a stageplay, or a cutlery set or something.

Superfluous! How dare you! Removing even ONE of these ridiculous action set pieces would ruin this film!

Hahaha! What a great story! Now tell us the one about the time your leg exploded on your one night stand!

It’s almost as creepy as that baby dinosaur muppet from the Dinosaurs TV show.

I don’t think this guy got the memo.

Now THIS GUY! This guy got the memo!

Send back the cult guy opening act! I came to see The Cure!

Look, I know you’ve got some sort of mystical death curse or whatever, but can I get a refill of scotch?

Overacting is relative. If everyone hams it up, nobody’s hamming it up.

Don’t worry, the film has a lot more squares than this. Like at least 3 more squares.

First off, Seventh Curse has the pacing of an avalanche on methamphetamines and enough blood to give a young Peter Jackson a hard on. The stunts, explosions, and gore are cranked up to eleven, there’s a fight scene every couple of minutes whether it makes sense to have one or not, and from the opening titles onward, it never lets its foot off the gas. This film has kung-fu doctors, pool parties, blood curses, fighting shaolin monks, mutating cups of KFC gravy, evil effeminate Chinese Marilyn Manson cult leaders, gruesome practical effects, flaming pillow fights, pants wetting-ly scary skeleton zombies that know kung-fu, neon green cave lighting, bazookas, alien monsters, demon babies, alien monsters fighting demon babies, and a magical shrine heist straight from the cover of the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Players Handbook. Depending on the release version (the original, the first video release, or the DVD edition) there are even 3 different endings to this film. Don’t worry though, every single one of them ends in a cheesy 80s freeze frame. It’s pretty much a perfect film from a Supercult perspective.

But what’s the story you ask? What’s all this about an adventure novel series? Well you see, all you needlessly logic seeking weirdos, Ni Kuang is an incredibly prolific Hong Kong writer. He’s written over 300 chinese-language wuxia and novels and more than 400 film scripts. To put that into perspective, Steven King has only published a measly 63 novels and 200 short stories. *cough* Get Rekt! *cough*

Ni Kuang, my nominee for Supercult Saint

So anyway Kuang wrote an amazing sci-fi, supernatural, action, comedy, horror, mystery, thriller, 145-book series about a guy named Wisely. He also wrote a completely different 32-book adventure series all about this other guy named Dr. Yuen. Sometimes these two globetrotting bad asses go on adventures together. They’re basically Sherlock Holmes and Watson and they go around solving mysteries, defeating evil, and then telling groups of glamorous women about their adventures at their mansions over glasses of cognac that sponsored the making of the film. Because both characters take part in this film, technically every other film adaptation of either character’s story is technically in the Seventh Curse series, which means that Supercult classic The Cat, also known as Wisely’s Old Cat in Chinese is technically a distant sequel to The Seventh Curse.

So who the hell can they get to represent these beloved, long-running characters? Well, first they get the amazingly talented actor and martial artist Siu-Ho Chin to play Dr. Yuen, which is all fine and good, but then they top it by grabbing Chow Yun-Fat to play Wisely. Yes, that bad ass, shotgun wielding, baby-saving Chow Yun-Fat, star of Supercult Classic Hard Boiled (oh yeah, and some other random film called…uh…what was it…Crouching something Hidden Whatever)! Chow Yun-Fat’s job throughout the entire film is to just show up when things are getting rough and save the day like a handsome Chinese Aslan the Jesus Allegory Lion. It’s fantastic. But wait, order now and we’ll also add in Lam Kgai Kai, the director of Supercult Classic Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, aka the one where a guy disembowels himself and tries to strangle Riki with his own intestines, so Riki Mortal Kombat X-Ray punches him in the skull.

Seeing as this is an older, obscure, foreign movie, there is little to no box office or review numbers online. Even if there were it wouldn’t matter though. Because I have now thoroughly convinced you that this is the best film you will ever see in your entire life…or at least in the next hour and a half or so, anyway.

Don’t forget to bring your guns and grenades to this mystical cult fight, everyone!

Supercult West is proud to present, The Seventh Curse!

The Seventh Curse Hello Supercult West! This is Supercult South Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Hitting Stunt Men with Cars” with a minor in “Saving the hot girl, and leaving the guy to get eaten by a Mummy”) and I’m reaching out to you from across the country to help hype tonight’s screening of basically the best genre film in the world, the Seventh Curse!

[the-direct-descendant]

Marca because Why not™

1. Marca had hardly given Eve a reason to fear her temper because she always insisted it would never be towards the little girl. Rather she seemed to direct it at others who crossed her nerves. It could get out of hand at times.Now here the teen was, chasing down her ‘completely-out-of-it’ aunt who decided that the neighbors needed to pay for tossing litter into her yard. She was not afraid of Marca. She was afraid for Marca.

2. Once again the girl had been dragged from her home (practically kidnapped) to her ‘auntie’s’ house to spend some quality time with kin. Eve would have minded it except Marca was honestly so lonely and delusional that the girl felt sorry for her. That being said she would appreciate it if Marca did not sing songs about disemboweling enemies and traitors alike while Eve just wanted to drink her lunch in peace.

3. The various pets that Marca brought into her home did not mind Eve at all. Though a certain few now seemed to really freak out her crazy family member after they got loose and appeared out of nowhere. Sugar-gliders that escaped their cages and started breeding and forming colonies in the walls of her aunt’s penthouse. Eve thought they were adorable but Marca, for whatever reason, was horrified by them.Her outburst when they landed on her were rather scary to Eve as well.“GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SQUEAKING DEMONS!” *CRASH*The girl jolted up from her bed and stared in horror at the rapidly moving shadow down the hallway. For the first time ever she folded her hands and prayed to both God and Jesus that Marca did not decided to run to her niece for some sort of refuge.

@corvus-delicata

[rowdyholtzy]

Since coming across this post, I’ve been wanting to watch Jennifer’s Body, so I thought I’d do so while writing a Tumblr recap post because... well honestly it’s just fun. And I’ll be watching it as a representation of being a closeted lesbian...

I’m only 3 minutes in and I would already read the shit out of this book if it were a book and I were my 15-year old self. Basically Amanda Seyfried is in prison and talking about how she gets fanmail from creepers, and fanatics who say she’ll be fixed if she just accepts Jesus into her heart but no one’s saved her yet. That’s honestly a pretty accurate description of the response the word “lesbian” gets - either fetishization or criminalization/expectation of “repentance”.

She ends up in solitary and flashbacks to life “before the killings began” - she, her bf, and Jennifer were all bffs and “normal” high school students.

“People found it hard to believe that a babe like Jennifer would associate with a a dork like me” - I know this is a horror movie, but Ow My Heart...

As Cheerleader Jennifer waves to glasses-wearing Anita sitting in the bleachers, the girl sitting behind Anita teases her for being all “LesbiGay” and Anita’s all “What? She’s my best friend!” Mmhmm Sure...

But also, I appreciate showing this because when two girls are close like that they can get teased and that puts them on the defensive possibly before they can even sort out their own feelings. It like forces them to prove themselves as straight girls/just bffs before they even know if that’s accurate...

Anyway, Jennifer invites Anita to a concert and Anita (being the shy nerd because Glasses! and Half-Ponytail!) is hesitant but agrees. Jennifer gives Anita the hungriest look I’ve ever seen one woman give another outside of The L Word:

and says “wear something cute”. Anita then watches Jennifer walk away.

GIRL

I know this is a horror movie, but I secretly want this to be the first scene in an adorable lesbian romcom.

Cut to Anita getting dressed for the concert and her boyfriend feeling insecure about her showing some above-jean-tum. They start making out but then Anita senses Jennifer’s presence. That’s some next-level lesbian ESP and I’m so here for it.

Jennifer gives Anita’s bf serious stinkeye. They head to a divebar to see this band because Jennifer is stalking the lead singer. Setting your sights on the most unattainable dude you can find and dragging your bff along for no reason (after telling her to wear something cute) is pretty gay... #JustSayin’

Bert-Macklin-FBI shows up and seems to be Jennifer’s boyfriend. So far Jennifer’s given no one else the hungry looks she gives Anita. She briefly drools over the lead singer and drags Anita over so she can introduce herself all giggly and baby-voiced. She’s serving serious FuckMe eyes though to be honest it’s hard to tell what’s genuine and what’s her performance so she can get what she wants. Also, is this all an elaborate plan to make Anita so jealous she finally makes a move? That’s the gayest possibility...

Jennifer goes to get them drinks and Anita wanders off to play pinball. She overhears the singer talking to his buddy about how Anita is definitely a virgin because “girls like that like to show it off but not give it up” and I’m thinking they’ve got demon-possession on their mind and of course Anita is all “how dare you talk about my best friend like that”

Anita tells Jennifer about the creepy/sexist conversation, and Jennifer rolls her eyes all “in no way am I a virgin”. Anita wants to leave but Jennifer is still googly-eyed over the lead singer, and the band starts playing. Jennifer slides her hand into Anita’s and grins the purest grin. Anita smiles too but after watching Jennifer stare at the singer, Anita’s smile falters and she pulls her hand away. Girl, you so JealousGay rn...

Suddenly a fire starts devouring the bar and the lead singer stops and smirks... wtf? Jennifer is still staring trance-like at him, so Anita grabs her and runs out. Jennifer is still in a trance, and the singer suddenly appears all “hey let’s go somewhere safer”. Anita’s all WTF DUDE? but he gives Jennifer something to drink and practically pours it down her throat. Jennifer agrees to go to the singer’s van, and Anita watches helplessly as she climbs in. She rushes home and calls her bf freaking out. Understandable so - she just saw a bunch of people burn alive and then her best friend got kidnapped. Her doorbell rings but no one is there. THEN she hangs up with her boyfriend. When she senses someone else in the house she doesn’t call her boyfriend again (or anyone else) she just slowly walks around the house. Smart move.

Anyway, she turns around to see Jennifer dead-eyed and covered in blood. Instead of answering Anita’s questions, Jennifer just stares, and grins to show a bloody mouth. Then she walks over to the fridge and starts devouring a chicken before puking up a lot of something dark that looks like blood but briefly moves on its own. Anita runs away but Jennifer catches her. Jennifer goes to bite her neck but seems to be stopped by Anita’s necklace (it’s one of those BFFheart ones). She runs off, leaving Anita sobbing. Cut to science class, where school gossip about the concert is flying around and Anita is flashbacking to a playground scene where Jennifer gets stabbed by a nail but asks Anita not to tell her mom so she won’t get a shot. Anita says “I never tell on you”

Cut back to science class, where Jennifer walks up to Anita and teases her like normal. Anita’s all WTF? Jennifer is serving serious MeanGirl, not giving a fuck about (and mocking) the people that died at the bar and basically calling Anita a weirdo who overreacts.

Cut to BabyVoice!Jennifer fake-sympathizing with a FootballDude grieving over his best friend who died in the fire. She brings him into the woods and while they makeout all the woodland creatures come out to watch. Pretty soon she unhinges her jaw and her teeth go all sharp and yeah he’s a goner. Jennifer goes for a swim in the lake, while one of the teachers finds FootballDude’s disemboweled body in the forest.

Between both tragedies, everyone’s mourning and dressed in black. Except Jennifer who’s literally wearing heart earrings and strutting like a supermodel down the school hall. A month later, it’s announced that Low Shoulder (the band that was playing at the bar and kidnapped Jennifer) will donate 3% of sales from one song to families affected by the fire. Anita’s like “that’s bullshit because what about the other 97%” but everyone’s like “NO THEY ARE HEROES”. Jennifer is noticeably grouchy, and pale, with bags under her eyes and chapped lips. I’m guessing she’s hungry. Anita’s asks if she’s PMSing and she responds with this doozy: “PMS isn’t real. It was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy”

(While hormonal fluctuations during our cycle obviously are real) I APPRECIATE YOUR POINT GURL YAS.

A seemingly-friendly goth dude asks Jennifer out and Jennifer has the look every lesbian has when a guy asks her out:

Until Anita says “I think he’s nice” and Jennifer gives her serious hungry eyes before accepting GothDude’s invitation.

GothDude pulls up to what he thinks is Jennifer’s house but turns out to be a creepy-ass house with plastic sheets everywhere and ravens flying through it.

Meanwhile, Anita and her bf are having sex at his place.

Back at NotJennifer’sHouse, she’s seducing GothDude before attacking him.

Mid-sex, Anita is having hallucinations of blood dripping from the ceiling and the dead footballer with Jennifer. She freaks out and goes home. She crawls into bed and screams when she realizes Jennifer is there. She yells at her to get out but Jennifer is all “we always share your bed when we have slumber parties”

Jennifer makes out with her and things start to get steamy and not to get all deep about a makeout scene but it’s noticeably different from when Jennifer is seducing a guy. With guys, she talks a lot and always stays in control. Her movements are forceful and aggressive. With Anita, she stops talking as soon as they start kissing. She doesn’t even manipulate Anita’s body. She kisses her, then lies back on Anita’s bed so Anita can climb on top of her. To me, this indicates that her intentions are not necessarily to feed on Anita like it was with all the boys. And she just fed, so It seems more like she wants to celebrate with Anita than to feed on her.

Eventually (though also too soon) Anita jumps off Jennifer and is like “WTF YOU’RE A MURDERER”. Minus the murdery part, I feel like this is a pretty common experience for queer girls: crossing a line with the best friend you have a crush on and she freaks out and sees you as a monster...

Jennifer’s all “BFFs don’t keep secrets so remember that night that evil band kidnapped me?” and flashback to her being in the van and seeing books on satanism all over the floor. They drive her deep into the forest and she tries to run but they tie her up and take her to the giant waterfall that ends nowhere (which by the way is the the big landmark of the town). She begs them to let her go and the lead singer mansplains how hard it is to be an indie band these days because there are just so many and it’s impossible to stand out, so “Satan is our only hope”. 

He stabs her repeatedly, and throws the knife into the waterfall.

Cut back to Jennifer and Anita in her bedroom and Anita’s all “IDK what happened after that I just came to and found my way to you”. My feels are so confused because there’s OwMyHeart but also EwSheEatsPeople and I realize this is probably how fans of Twilight feel about Edward, except Jennifer is actually Anita’s best friend instead of a creepy pedo-stalker.

Anywho, apparently when Jennifer’s full she’s invincible. She stabs herself and it heals up like nothing happened. Anita’s like “OMG... wait what do you mean by full?” As she pieces things together, she orders Jennifer to leave. Jennifer begs her to stay and literally says “we can play boyfriend/girlfriend like we used to”

But Anita is having none of it. She orders Jennifer to leave again, and tears start to fill up Jennifer’s eyes as she jumps out Anita’s second story window and disappears.

Anita does Dark!Forbidden! research and apparently if a virgin sacrifice is not a virgin than the demon resides in the non-virgin. They’re weakest when they’re hungry and a blade through the heart will kill it. She tells all this to her boyfriend as her reasoning for not wanting to go to the school dance (being afraid that the dance will be like a buffet for Jennifer). Yeah girl, that’s much better than just making up an excuse why you don’t want to go. Tell your boyfriend you’re convinced your best friend is possessed by a boy-eating demon.

He responds all “maybe you should see a shrink” because well obviously.

Cut to everyone getting ready for the big dance. In an interesting genderswap kind of scene, Anita’s bf’s mom gives him pepper spray because “there’s a sicko out there who likes boys”. Because I read too deeply into everything, I’m going to take this as a feminist commentary on how more energy is spent “teaching” women how to protect themselves than actually catching and detaining predators.

Jennifer is brushing her hair at home and clumps are coming off in her hands. Cut to Anita at the dance, not seeing her boyfriend or Jennifer.

That’s because Jennifer stopped Anita’s bf on his way to the dance. You think she’s gonna go all demon-face on him but instead she tells him that Anita slept with FootballDude. Then she kisses him and they’re just making out no demon-face.

Back at the dance, Low Shoulder is playing. Anita suddenly touches her lips because her LesbianESP senses are tingling because Jennifer’s making out with her boyfriend. She runs to... I’m not sure where? Following her LESP senses like a bloodhound I guess...

Jennifer brought Anita’s bf to a deserted pool. When he refuses to kiss her again, she pushes him into the pool and attempts to drown him.  Hearing him scream, Anita runs into the poolhouse in her big pink poofy princess dance dress and she’s climbing through the thick vines that have grown all over and it feels very Princess Saving Her Prince From The Monster and I fully approve.

(You didn’t think I’d get through this entire post without a Kate gif, did you?)

Jennifer has just started to go all fang-y on the bf, and Anita dives in and fights Jennifer. They have a super catty wit-off before the bf rams a pole through  Jennifer’s stomach and even after she pulls it out the wound keeps bleeding. Jennifer jumps out the window, and the bf collapses because apparently Jennifer did get to bite him before Anita saved him. He dies as Anita sobs.

Cut to Jennifer lying on her bed, using the yearbook as a menu. So the pole wound did eventually heal I guess? Anita crashes through the window and jumps on top of her, holding up a box cutter. Jennifer calls her butch for getting her murder weapon at Home Depot. They struggle, and Anita rips off Jennifer’s BestFriend necklace. That seems to stun Jennifer, and Anita plunges the box cutter into Jennifer’s heart. Jennifer’s mom comes in to see Anita sitting on top of her. Instead of running away, Anita rolls off of Jennifer’s body and lies next to it on the bed, exhausted (it kind of has a post-sex vibe instead of post-murder). Jennifer’s mom sobs. Not to make everything gay but this scene feels representative of the pretty-common gay experience of having a parent walk in on you and the shocked sadness they respond with...

Cut to Anita in prison, explaining how if you get scratched by a demon (she reveals a large scratch on her shoulder) you might absorb some of its abilities. Camera pans out to show her floating up to the small window in her solitary cell. She kicks it open and walks right through the iron fence. Walking through the woods, she notices a stream that seems to be where the endless waterfall empties out, and the knife used to stab Jennifer lying at the bottom. She picks it up and hops in the car that picks her up hitchhiking. She tells the driver she’s following a rock band and “tonight’s going to be their last show”.

Cut to a collage of clips of the band exiting their limo to screaming fans and signing autographs. They’re partying in their massive hotel room until the doorbell rings and then the music changes and there are bloody handprints. Then body bags and crime scene photos. The knife is still in the body of the lead singer. Hotel security footage shows Anita walking away from the hotel room as she looks up at the camera.

Overall, I liked it. It’s entertaining and made me laugh out loud a few times (which is very rare for a movie). The screenwriter and the director are both women and it passes the Bechdel test. And it really works as thinly veiled representation of being a closeted lesbian in high school. I really appreciated the pre-possession scenes because they showed that Jennifer’s sexual/romantic interest in Anita was NOT the demon.

It felt like the demon was just a bloodthirsty carnivore but Jennifer loved Anita so much that she never wanted to hurt her (which is why when she’s starving and has Anita up against a wall she sees Anita’s necklace and runs away instead of biting her). And later when she realizes that feeding makes her basically immortal she climbs into Anita’s bed and then makes out with her. Like this realization of her new immortality gives her the courage to do what she felt like she couldn’t before. And in the final fight scene when Anita rips off Jennifer’s necklace? Jennifer is stunned. She doesn’t move. She lets herself fall back onto the bed and doesn’t defend herself. In that moment it feels like she just loses the will to go on, like she lets Anita stab her.

And there really are so many parallels between Jennifer’s experiences and common closeted teen lesbian experiences: the jealousy of your best friend’s boyfriend, making a move on your friend and maybe she goes along for a few seconds before aggressively rejecting you and seeing you as a monster, being assaulted by men (the sacrificial scene is very reminiscent of gang-rape, and assault is tragically a universal experience for women in general regardless of sexual orientation), having a parent walk in on you and your romantic partner and be shocked/angry/heartbroken... there’s a lot here that translates to representation of the the gay-teen experience. And I respect the filmmakers for that.

[ecotone99]

[HM] A Girl Named Lucy

Everybody’s had a bad date. But my date with Lucy was definitely the worst date of my entire life. We met online, of course. I don’t think people meet any other way anymore. We really hit it off, she laughed at my dumb jokes and honestly, that’s pretty much all it takes for me to fall in love.

We decided to meet up for drinks and appetizers at Applebees. I was nervous, so I showed up early, had a drink at the bar and waited for her to arrive.

Meeting someone from the internet and finding out they’re significantly less attractive in person brings a uniquely guilty depression. It’s not that the person is necessarily unattractive, but in your mind, you’ve built up the anticipation for how you think the person will look. Expectation ruins reality. Usually this is just a result of normal people trying to look impressive. Which is understandable in the dating world.

But that’s the thing, when I saw her walk through the door, Lucy did not look normal. She looked very far from normal. Her face was too thin and her nose was entirely too big. Freakishly such. She probably knew this because the she covered it up with three or five or nine inches of chunky, pasty white makeup. It could have been Plaster of Paris, who’s to say? That shit was out of control.

She wore a giant green sweater, which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but it was almost eighty degrees outside, even after the sun went down. At first, I thought this was to compensate for being overweight, but she didn’t seem overweight. She seemed deformed. Like two or three different skinny people squeezing themselves into the same sweater.

She had shredded blonde hair and walked with a wobbly limp, like an ether-sniffing marionette doll at a sobriety checkpoint. Her feet were disproportionally big, as if her shoes were hiding something nasty.

Oh, God. I can’t do this, I thought. This is just too much. But I feel bad, because the expectations were built up in MY head, right? I’ll just turn and sneak out the back, text her saying I had car trouble or something.

“Seth!?” She squawked. Or barked. It was a bark-squawk that was entirely too loud for the public, very unfortunately public situation at hand. Heads turned.

Ah, shit. She saw me. Of course she saw me. I’ve been staring her down slack-jawed and silly. But really, can you blame me? This poor woman looked like a rubber horse mask wearing another rubber mask of Gary Busey’s face.

“Seth! It is me. I am Lucy! The woman you speak to.” There’s no way she’s been using this voice her whole life.

My voice was too dry so I just nodded. We’re already here, might as well have a few drinks and enjoy the food. How bad could it be?

When my mouth finally began producing enough saliva necessary for conversation, we engaged in small-talk. I intentionally kept it awkward and as far from lively as possible. Maybe she’d catch the hint and we could just chalk it up to a lack of chemistry. I started dumping whiskey down my throat like my soul and sanity depended on it. Which, at this point, I was convinced it did.

“So, where are you from?” I asked, hoping another unknown cultural origin could explain this catastrophic misstep in acceptable courtship.

“Lucy is from Wisconsin. That’s normal, right?”

Jesus Christ, whatever they put in that cheese really did a number on this one. Remind me to never drink Budweiser again, either.

“I don-uh, I mean, yes, yes that is normal. Right. Have you ever been in like, a car accident or something?”

She stared at me with big sickly brown eyes. Eyes that were almost yellow. Maybe she has cancer or something? I’m starting to feel bad for her now. Maybe the whiskey is melting the shock and warming my mind to a temperate state of empathy. She’s alone. She doesn’t get out much. Kinda like me, actually. Don’t be a dick, dude. Get it together.

Then she laughs, it’s a coughy sort of laugh. It resonates from a deeper part of the diaphragm and I’m reminded of an alligator. Bet she used to smoke a lot.

“You make joke! You funny man!” She swipes her hand across my forearm the way women do when they’re being particularly obvious about their intentions. Her fingernails are long. Monstrously so, and badly painted in flecks of a dark red. Her skin is entirely too rough for a woman. Maybe she works with her hands a lot?

Oh. Oh, no.

I check the neck. I don’t actually see an Adam’s Apple, but the skin does protrude in a hangy sort of turkey-neck way. I begin to sweat uncontrollably.

Look, I don’t hate anyone. I believe everyone should live their lives and be happy. But I’m just not ready for this. I’m afraid. I feel like I’m waiting for the cashier in a gas station and a cop gets behind me in line. I compensate with more whiskey. That’ll help.

I have to ask. I can’t just not know.

“Look, Lucy. I’m sorry. But are you, like, are you a girl?”

There’s that laugh again.

“Yes! Lucy is girl. Real girl. Clever girl.”

Of course she is. Trans girls are girls, too. It’s just… I’ve already paid for the drinks, she seems very interested in me, persistent even. I just don’t know if I can do this.

Maybe just a blowjob? That’s not gay, right?

I’m gonna need some cocaine for this.

That’s it! Cocaine! I’ll see if she’s down to score some blow, then we’ll just see how it goes. Worst case scenario I get all coked up and can’t get a boner anyhow, sorta solves the whole situation. I can blame the coke, she doesn’t get her feelings hurt. Win-win.

“Hey Lucy….”

“Hey Seth.”

She does the cough/laugh. Maybe the hormones haven’t been balanced yet?

“You uh, you wanna score some coke?”

“What is ‘score coke’?”

“You know, like cocaine?”

“Cocaine? If we score cocaine, can I get your meat?”

Oh fuck. This is happening.

“My…my meat?”

“Yes. I want your meat inside me.”

Not gonna lie, my dick did a little twitch right then. Jesus. Well, I guess you learn something new every day, don’t ya?

“Okay! Um, I’m gonna pay the, uh, pay the tab. Why don’t you? Like, and I’ll then go to the car. Ya know, then we can like, you know. Wanna follow me while-“

“We ‘score coke’ like cocaine!”

“Yes.” I said. Fuck, I kinda like her now. I can get past the face. And the limpy, wabble-walk. And the…uh. Whatever else I find.

After I pay the bartender, we both walk back to my truck. I guess she took the bus or something because she never mentions a car of her own. I call up my buddy Allen, he usually has decent coke.

Allen says to come on over, I open the door for her, she does that little laugh again. It’s kinda growing on me, actually. I can’t believe this is happening.

As I’m driving, she starts purring and licking my ear. And I’m actually into it. Like, really into it. Once again, I can’t believe this is happening.

We pull up to Allen’s place, he sends me a text saying to come on up.

Allen opens the door and jumps back.

“Holy fuckin’ shit, Seth. Who the fuck is this? You told me it was just you, bro?”

“No I didn’t,” I said, “I told you a had a girl with me, Lucy this is Allen. Allen this is Lucy.”

“Hello, Allen.” Said Lucy, “Can I also have your meat inside me?”

“What the fuck?” Said Allen. Then he laughed, and I laughed, and Lucy laughed, we all laughed.

“You didn’t tell me it was like that. Why don’t you both just come on in?”

We all stepped inside and Allen clicked on the light. As he did, Lucy tripped over the doorframe. She didn’t fall all the way to the ground, but she fell just enough to cause her hair to tilt. Like, all of it just shifted to the side.

This caught Allen’s attention.

“Yo, that’s a fuckin’ wig, bro! The fuck is going on here?”

“Allen.” I said sternly, leaning in close to him. “Don’t fuck this up for me, man. I need this.”

But Allen wasn’t listening. Allen was recoiling in horror because he saw what I had been too drunk and horny to see all along.

While Lucy was fumbling with her wig and sliding around the foyer, her tail had slid out of her floppy green sweater. A tail that was long and scaly. Just as scaly as her scalp beneath the wig.

It was now painfully obvious. This was not a foreign woman. This was not a transsexual. This was a sixty-six million year old chicken-lizard stalking it’s prey from beyond the confines of the traditional understanding of time itself. And I, Seth Fox, horny drunkard and idiot extraordinaire, had fallen for it’s schemes.

Clever girl.

Allen screamed the only sensible thing to be said, “VELOCIRAPTOR!!!”

And we both dove behind the sofa for cover.

The Velociraptor Formally Known as Lucy shrieked, “MEEEAAAAAT!!!”

Why? Why me? Why couldn’t she have just had a penis!?

The Lucy-Raptor soars over the sofa with a dancer’s ease because she’s a theropod. An apex predator from the Cretaceous Period and I notice what made her gait so ungainly. Her shoes had been hiding a giant sickle-shaped talon on each foot with which her kinship would disembowel their prey. Unfortunately for Allen, he was this prey.

The Lucy-Raptor was on him instantly, she sliced open his belly with her toe-claws and his intestines flopped out like folded ravioli.

“Nnnnaaaauuuuuggggghhhh!!!!!” Said Allen as the Lucy Raptor chewed on his neck.

I had no patience for this nonsense, so I fled the scene hoping, praying, pleading with any deity merciful enough to hear my cries. I did not want to be eaten by a velociraptor tonight. I just wanted a blowjob. Is that really too much to ask from the universe? One measly fucking blowjob?

But the Lucy-Raptor wanted to feast on the flesh of living prey, and I was still fumbling with my keys when Allen had breathed his last. She came bouncing into the parking lot.

“CAAAUUUOOGGGHHH, CAAAUUUOOGGGHHH!!” Said Lucy.

The truck door clicked open.

Lucy reared back on her hind legs ready to pounce.

I yanked open the door and hurled myself into the driver’s seat, turned the key and started the engine as Lucy sailed through the air like a shark through calm seas.

Her claws barely missed my fender as I sped from my dead drug dealer’s parking lot.

I stomped the gas.

At 20 mph, there she was, nipping at my window.

I turned onto the street.

There she was.

30 mph. 35, 40 mph.

When I hit 55 mph she slowed down and wailed a roar of defeat. I had bested the Lucy-Raptor. Turns out velociraptors can run at speeds of up to 40 miles an hour. But a ’97 Dodge Ram can go up to like, 120 miles an hour, so FUCK YOU, VELOCIRAPTORS!!

Dating is hard, folks. But remember,

“Life finds a way.”

-Ian Malcolm

submitted by /u/sethfoxcomedy [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2t1qtp3

[its-negans-lucille]

The Silent One - Part Twenty

You can find the other parts of this story and my Masterlist HERE!

Synopsis: Negan goes to Alexandria to ask some questions about the recent escapee and you have you second day on the fence.

Ships: Negan x Reader (slow burn (duh)) Words: 1,479 Warnings: Curses, over use of the word ‘walkie’ Category: Angst

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Reader POV

***

You had a large sniper rifle in your hands as you walked slowly up and down the section of fence that you were sworn to protect. You job down here was to take out the walkers that were pressing up against the fence or who had somehow gotten loose. It was dull work but you had wanted to get involved so here you were. You were also too stubborn to tell Negan that you found this work dull so you kept your mouth shut and got on with it.

You had been standing stationary for about five minutes, watched one particular walker who kept on snapping its teeth at you, desperately trying to get to you. Something silver close to the ground caught your eye. You snapped your head toward its source but you couldn’t see anything. You took a step close to the fence when you heard a loud voice call.

“I’m going to go and help some shit-wit a few towers away. If you need me just use the walkie!” Arat called as she stepped down from the dilapidated, wooden, tower where she had been previously observing you from. She tossed you a walkie-talkie which dropped on the floor in front of you a few feet away. You watched her until she had rounded a corner of the block of buildings called The Sanctuary.

You slung the gun over your shoulder as you crouched down to pick up the walkie. You turned it over a few times, learning the buttons and such when you heard a whisper. Something so quiet that you weren’t sure that you’d heard it at first. You slowly turned around, attaching the walkie-talkie to your belt and swinging your gun from over your shoulder.

You stood up straight and scanned the fence, your finger on the trigger of the sniper.

“Psst.” There it was again. You stepped toward the fence when you saw it.

Standing there, covered from head to toe so that he was almost unrecognisable, was your best friend and your previous partner in crime, Jesus.

***

Negan POV

***

“Listen up fuckers!” Negan proclaimed loudly as he banged the butt end of Lucille on the side of one of the Alexandrian’s car. “Christ has escaped his tomb!” Negan said loudly, expecting down cast looks or possibly looks of joy but all he got was puzzlement. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fucking hell, I didn’t just kill a fucking puppy. I made a joke, now I know that’s a damn foreign concept to you people, but, fuck, c’mon.” Negan said in a disheartened tone.

“What I’m trying to fucking say it your friend got out and now we’re here to search your town!” Negan smiled as his men that he had taken with him surged forward as one, going to go search the houses for any trace of Jesus.

“Rick, walk with me.” Negan commanded as he strode past Rick so that he had to catch up with him.

“We didn’t do anything.” Rick said in a solemn voice. This time with Negan was slowly wearing the bearded man down, he no longer put up a fight.

“Mhm. Well, we’ll see.” Negan shrugged as he stepped up onto Rick’s neat porch, a rocking chair slowly creaking back and forth in the breeze. “How about you invite me in for a drink? Eh, Rick? Man to man?” Negan said as he playfully punched Rick in the shoulder.

Rick gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, probably thinking about something that would definitely get everyone in this community killed. Rick obviously thought against his thoughts of caving in Negan’s frontal lobe as he stepped forward and opened the door, gesturing Negan inside.

Negan swiftly made himself comfortable by crossing the room and beginning to rummage in a few draws. He carried on doing this for quite some time before he stopped and let out an almost childlike, curious, gasp of excitement. Rick was hanging back, watching warily from the centre of the room, not even bothering to try and stop him from searching his home.

“What’s this?” Negan asked in a loud, charismatic tone as he turning over a walkie-talkie that once would’ve been a dark grey colour but now was covered in crayon marks and a few patches of glitter. “I didn’t really think this was your style, Rick.” Negan chuckled.

“Yeah.” Rick said in a low voice, his eyes darting nervously from Negan to the walkie in his hands, Negan took note of that. Rick stepped forward with his arm outstretched. “I’ll just have that back now. . .” Rick said in a low voice as he avoided eye contact with Negan.

“Now, Rick, you’re not hiding anything from me, right?” Negan asked as he took a step forward, entering Rick’s personal space. “Because, remember, I still have one hostage with the right number of functioning limbs.” Negan said in a low, dangerous voice.

“No, of course I’m not-” Rick started but he was cut off by Negan who pressed the button on the side of the bedazzled walkie-talkie and said:

“Any fuckers there? If you answer you get the grand prize of. . . Drumroll please. . .”

***

Reader POV

***

“Any fuckers there? If you answer you get the grand prize of. . . Drumroll please. . . Meeting my baby girl Lucille!” Proclaimed a crackly, blood chillingly familiar voice from where Jesus was standing on the other side of the fence. Negan was on the other end of Jesus’ line.

You shook your head incredulously.  

Swiftly, before any walkers could get to him, Jesus took out a knife and cleared out the dead in his immediate area so that he was free to talk to you without the imminent threat of death by disembowelment.

“Listen, I can explain.” Jesus began in a low, calming voice.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You hissed in a frustrated tone.

“What, not happy to see me?” Jesus asked with a cocked eyebrow. “Well, most of me.” He said with a wry smile as he pulled up one leg of his denim jeans to reveal a blade beneath it, much like the blades that runners use. “One of the guys at Alexandria had a niece with one leg and she liked track, she died when it all began and honestly he was happy to give it to me.” Jesus said as he dropped the leg of the jean.

“Jesus, you need to leave.” You said in a low voice. “Please.” You implored, constantly looking over your shoulder as Arat could get here at any second.

“I will, I will. After I give you this,” he fished out a walkie-talkie from his pocket and pushed it through the fence. “So me and Rick can talk to you form Alexandria.” He smiled.

“Wait, so you’re not here to . . . to rescue me?” You asked in a suspicious voice. Jesus’ face fell as he shook his head.

“I’m sorry.” Jesus said in a low voice. “We’re trying our hardest to get enough supplies for the Saviours and that doesn’t leave much time for. . .  for. . .”

“For me.” You finished, your face downcast.

“Listen, I’m really sorry.” Jesus said with a sigh. “We’ll get you out, I promise. One way or another. Even if we have to kill Negan.”

You felt your stomach drop. “Kill him? Isn’t that a little. . . extreme?” You asked, trying to sound tentative and nonchalant but you ended up sounding worried.

“I don’t have a leg, (Y/N).” Jesus said in a flat voice.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” You said absently, thoughts racing through your head

“I have to go, I’m really sorry. We’ll walkie you every other night at twelve.” Jesus said, already backing away from you.

“Morning.” You said in a low voice.

“Morning?” Jesus asked, bemused.

“Negan is never up before ten o’clock. Walkie me at seven.” You said. You saw Jesus give a curt nod.

“Take care of yourself.” Jesus said as he back away, trying to keep away from the Walkers.

“I always do.” You shrugged, not entirely believing it.

***

Thank you all so much for reading and bearing with me. I’ve been sick over the past few days and before that school just hadn’t been good and I was having a hard time. So thank you again for baring with me! Thank you so much for reading! Have a lovely day!!

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