#girl from the house on the hillbilly

[inbabylontheywept]

i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.

she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.

so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.

babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?

you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.

skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.

(it was not my best costume.)

my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.

so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.

i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.

so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.

so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.

"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"

and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said

"overalls"

and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."

and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.

the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.

first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.

second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.

and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.

she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."

"lets watch shrek 2."

so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.

every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.

and god help him when he figures it out.

other bad dating story here.

[cricket-of-the-hill]

So what's the deal with Fiddleford McGucket? Why's he like that?

Fiddleford as a character is so FUN because he's so complicated and tragic and honestly a little pathetic. On one hand you have this absolutely brilliant scientist with the potential to have been the in universe Steve Jobs who figured out that the universe is a hologram and built an honest to betsy transdimensional portal (with Ford's help, yes, but let's be honest: as mathematically brilliant as Ford was, I think his intelligence laid more in the theoretical side of things, really doubt he could have actually built the portal himself).

On the other hand, we have this man who up and leves his FAMILY to chase after a college friend who calls him one day saying "hey, I'm out in Oregon building a portal to another dimension. Little help?" and he doesn't even think twice before being like "bet" and getting his ass to Oregon. And even if you take in the context clues that things weren't going well with his marriage before he left (as pieced together by the brilliant @divorcedfiddleford in this post), he still had his son and McGucket Computermajigs and he just sets all that aside for this guy, which... 😶

I am gonna write this whole post on the assumption that Fiddleford was in love with Ford, but look, even if that's the case it doesn't make any of his actions less unhinged. Break here, because the post gets kinda long 😶‍🌫️

So here's the thing: in the fandom, it's fun to think that Fidds knew about Bill and they had some sort of taunting rivalry/love triangle thing going on and that's really fun to mess with, but FIDDLEFORD HAD NO IDEA ABOUT BILL. Ford never told him! So even if Fidds leaves California thinking he's gonna have his hot girl summer/queer arthouse romcom where he reconnects with the love of his youth and they spend the summer working in this secluded house in the woods where they can finally live out their romance, what he actually gets is a fucking psychological horror thriller where the guy he loves and is kinda trapped with is either slowly going insane or straight up getting possessed.

Now, all that is 😵‍💫 enough, but it gets worse because instead of doing the normal person thing and getting the hell out of Dodge, Fiddleford stays. He continues to help Ford to build the portal despite how weird the other man is getting, he continues to go cryptid hunting even after the nightmare goblin almost eats him, even if Ford clearly doesn't appreciate the work he does (research assistant? Not even partner? Come on), and never reciprocates the kind of gestures Fidds has towards him (like the infamous double Christmas gift bonanza).

Here's where the duality of Fiddleford Hadron McGucket kicks in: the thing is that he is incredibly brave in some ways and obviously really smart but also kind of a coward and an idiot when it comes to his relationships with others. He'll hit Thee Krampus upside the head with his banjo one day to save his friend and run away to Oregon instead of discussing divorce with this wife the next. He will leave everything he knows to pursue this one guy, but he will never ever ever confess to feeling anything other than friendship towards him. He'll put up with Stanford's creepy as all hell behavior but will never confront him about it even as Ford loses more and more of himself into his project (so no little intervention not even to help this man he's giving so much up for). Like, what was he expecting to get out of all this? If he was never planning to confess to Ford or leave his wife, what was he going to do once the portal was completed? Just keep on bouncing between wherever Ford went next and his family? Did he really think his wife and son wouldn't mind him leaving them behind without so much as a thought?

Operating under the assumption that Fiddleford is a closeted queer guy from rural Deep Down South Hillbilly County Tennessee (said with love, I'm also from the south, but we all know what homophobia looks like here) during the '80s (height of the aids pandemic which would have made everything worse) one can maybe understand why Fiddleford is like that. Why he is so so so afraid and why he ultimately chooses to erase his memories rather than just go back to his family.

So picture this: you are in love with your best friend but you can't tell him 'cause best case scenario he leaves you out to dry and worst case scenario maybe someone finds your boots down by the river and lets your parents know (and we know Ford is sweet and fruity himself and with a thing for outcasts and would never. Fiddleford probably knows that himself, but let me tell you that when you grow up with that fear it goes deep. Because you've most likely seen people who are kind get absolutely bent out of shape when confronted with the mere idea of someone like you existing in their near vicinity). Eventually, you get married and have a son because that is what you were supposed to do all along and even though you love your son and maybe even love your wife everything feels wrong. They expect you to be something you are not, you can never let your guard down, never be yourself, not even in your own home. So then that call comes and it's like a golden thicket: you can leave, give it a rest for a little while, go see your friend, stretch out those inventing muscles.

As much as the fandom clowns him for it, I honestly don't even think he went out there with the intention of cheating (emotionally or otherwise). BUT I do think he was hoping something would happen. It's just that it all depended on Ford taking that first step because Fidds sure as hell wouldn't. And then Ford didn't because he was too busy doing the sin cos tan with his trigonometry homework, but if he had, we could have had a brokenback mountain situation on our hands, lads. Then Fiddleford could have just gone along with it, and done all sorts of mind parkour to convince himself that that's somehow less bad than "outright" cheating on his wife.

So he gets to the cabin, right? And maybe things are good for a little while, like when they were in college. Fiddleford lets loose a little, Ford is happy with the company, they're friends! And I get the sense that they're the kind of friends that mesh really well, like their energies really match. As much as the fandom paints Fiddleford like a sweet cinnamon roll, that man is also a freak. He's out here building psychotic post divorce revenge pterodactyl robots and drinking abducted cow milk just to see what it's like. He's a bit unhinged! He and Ford are the two people in the world that can be like "I think the universe is a hologram." "Cool! Let's prove it mathematically, bro" and "I want to build a portal to another dimension. Just cause." "Catching a ride to your place with my toolbox as we speak, buddy." (My own personal head cannon is that Fiddleford didn't really become such a shaky jelly until the nightmare goblin got him. Like, he was never as adventurous as Ford, but I think before that particular traumatizing event he was all right for it).

Anyways, things are good for a bit, but the real world is still out there. Fiddleford has to make trips home every now and then, and every time he comes back it seems like something is different. A little off. At first it's nothing big, just a smile a little sharper than usual, a coldness in a look, Ford calling him "Specs" where before he was always a variation of his name. Then it's pointed comments that Fidds chalks up to a lack of sleep (is Ford even sleeping at all? Because he could have sworn for the past three nights he he has appeared in the same place Fidds left him when he went to sleep). Then it's a flash of yellow eyes, a maniacal laugh that Ford never used to make before, spells where he seemingly forgets how to use his body (bumps into things, tries to drink soda with his eyes?). As time goes on it starts to become more and more obvious that something is seriously wrong with this friend. And things back home are just getting worse and worse, Emma May isn't happy about Fiddleford skipping town so often, Tate wont stop asking for him, and look, was Fiddleford even making money while he was with Ford? He gettin' paid? Is Emma May back home trying to bring home the bacon while virtually single parenting? (How was Ford even supporting himself while studying anomalies? I can't imagine there's a lot of grants for that.)

But Fiddleford can't leave his friend and he can't really own up to how much messier things are at home because of this whole thing. So he keeps coming back to Gravity Falls, where he also can't really face up to Ford and either demand a clear answer as to what is going on or try to get him some help (an exorcist, maybe). Because if he does say something and Ford decides that he doesn't want Fiddleford around asking questions he's gonna have to go back home where after the Christmas thing he's honestly not sure he's really wanted anymore, not really sure he deserves it if he still was. So he keeps on doing his thing, telling himself "this is fine 🙂," while he sits in a room on fire with a bill-possessed Ford hanging from the ceiling like a spider and an disapproving Emma May looking in through a window.

I think the portal incident was what finally opened his eyes to the reality of his situation, in an ironic way. He destroyed his relationship with his wife and left his son for nothing. Left his own dreams and aspirations aside just to find out that when push comes to shove his opinion and well-being matter so little to this man he was ready to break the laws of physics for. He can't stay with Ford, and he sure as hell can't go back home, because that would mean having to face that he's done burned down all his bridges. So where do you go from there? Let me tell you, if I had the chance to forget the lowest, most selfish, stupid thing I did for a person who didn't even notice it, I'd do it in a second.

[ghettogirly]

Hello, is there gonna be part 2 of welcome to my world?

𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐘 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐋𝐃 [𝟐]

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: 𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎 𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐒 𝐗 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐀 ’𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐎𝐒’ 𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐖𝐍

-> click here to read: 𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝟏

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-> synopsis: entering Miami, the crew are now thrown into a dangerous world as a bounty is placed onto their heads. Is something blossoming between Armando and Malia?

-> theme: slow burn, action.

-> format: story

-> warning: use of n word, violence, mature language, suggestive themes.

-> authors note: you asked and you shall receive! this took me a while since it was so long. hope you enjoy! 𝟐.𝟑𝐤 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝.🌸

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𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝟐: 𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒.

Footprints trailed behind the four as they ran through the forest. Trees hung over them, running in between, in attempts to throw those who were following them off. A glimpse of a sunbeam peeked through the huddle of trees showcasing the time of day. It was now dawn.

Logs and branches covered the wildlife below their feet, moss and grass poked up from the soil where the sunlight touched them, allowing them to photosynthesise.

Panting, the crew located a hut at the bottom of the hill, built next to a river. At the top of the mountain, they all looked at each other, signalling what the plan was.

“Deberíamos barrer la cabaña, una persona en cada ángulo.”

Marcus turned to Armando with a confused look on his face, “Armando I don’t even know what you said but i am not following your plan. You’re too crazy for my old ass.”

Giggling, Malia turned away from group as she found Marcus comment funny. Mike shaking his head, looked towards Armando. “We all just need to go together.”

“Says who?” The male stepped forward.

“I’m not asking you, i’m telling you. We are staying together!” Mike stood up, a scowl crawling across his face at his son’s stubbornness.

“Fuck out my way.”

Grabbing on his shirt, Mike pulls Armando close to him. Grabbing him back Armando put his head closer to his father’s, a vein appearing on his head due to adrenaline pumping through them. His fight clearly activated due to the hormone being secreted from the adrenal gland. Getting in between them, Marcus put both his arms out.

“I can’t deal with this hot headed bullshit! On 3! 1, 2-“

The two pushed each other back.

“There you go!”

Walking past the two, Malia slowly glided down the hill towards the hut. Stopping at the back before peeking through one of the windows, noticing someone was there, she slowly creeped around the opposite side of the house. The three men looked behind them and noticed how she wandered off, throwing their hands up in defeat they followed behind.

A wooden deck trailed along the coast of the beach, the waves crashed against each other causing a thin layer of foam to bubble on top. The sun slowly popped from under the shoreline as the orange, dazzling rays were emitted from the giant star. The brown skinned girl was in awe of the beautiful sight that was before her, causing the melanated skin to glow in the light. She embraced the warmth of the rays as they gave her comfort: peace.

The enigma of why heat and fire brought her comfort lingered in the air. Not only making her ponder but even Armando who eyed her curiously as she basked in the tranquility of the beach. Nevertheless, he shook his head and focused on the mission before him. “Necesitamos movernos.”

Running towards the boat, Armando quickly unravelled the rope that connect the vehicle to the bank. Mike and Marcus hopped into the boat with Malia following their lead. Pushing the boat away from the bank slightly in order to start the motor, the male was just about to step on the beach until a figure appeared before him.

“I know you ain’t stealing from me!”

Looking up, a hillbilly stood in front of him.

“We ain’t stealing your shit just because we’re black!!”

All the heads turned towards Marcus who looked at him with a confused look on their face. “Escucha, tenemos que irnos.”

“Listen boy, you either need to speak English or go back to wherever you came from, you-“

Quickly tackling him, Armando dropped the caucasian male to the ground. In attempt to fight back, the man tried to grab his neck, with no avail. Quickly getting back in his feet, Armando grabbed the smaller male and threw him into the building. Causing the others to look at him with a shocked look on their faces.

“What?”

“Nothing.” They all said in unison.

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𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑, the boat slowly sailed across the river bank. Armando controlled the steering wheel while the other three just laid down. By the time they got on the boat and started the engine, the sun started setting. Sailing for about 4 hours now, everyone was quiet as the tiredness hit.

A crackle and a pop came from below the boat. Suddenly, a flicker of light came from the motor of the boat causing smoke to then burst from under it. The controls of the boat was gone. “Controls are out.”

“We are not too far away from the beach, you think we can get there?” Mike suggested.

“How though?” Marcus asked.

The three men looked at each other and then looked towards Malia who was just there fiddling with her nails. “You guys do realise that there are oars right beneath us right?”

Slowly looking down, the men realise the flat, wooden blades that lie on the floor of the vehicle. “Así que eres útil para algo.”

“Excuse me?”

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𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐎𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇, the three exit the boat. Panting due to the energy needed to glide the boat against the upthrust of the waves, as the pressure of the water made it harder to move. Looking around, they observed the multi-coloured lights and the neon strobes that wrapped around the tall skyscraper buildings that was before them.

City lights were on that illuminated the dark streets with a dim light, creating a moody atmosphere within the city. Walking across the beach, the four stood before a road. “Yeah, we in Miami.” Mike confirmed.

“So what do we do now?”

“Necesitamos armas.”

“Vendôme is not too far from here, we just need to get there.”

“Aw hell nah Mike, that crazy ass lady Mila who runs that shit don’t even like me!” Marcus argued back.

“She likes me though.”

“You are a married man now with you freaky ass, christine wouldn’t like all that-“

Slapping his head, Mike cuts him off. “Nigga just shut up and let’s go!”

Jogging up the path, the neon sign illuminated from the building above. The brown skinned girl walked forward and pushed open the sleek black doors welcoming an eruption of loud rap music and people cheering.

Strolling into the building, Malia pushed through crowds with the boys trailing slowly behind her. Elevated stages and stripper poles were scattered across the nightclub with near-naked girls sliding and doing tricks on the metal structures. On the other side of the club was a bar, where a group of people were taking shots, allowing the alcoholic substance to slide down their throats.

Approaching an archway that had red, tiny pearls hanging down from it, a bodyguard put his arm out in an attempt to stop the four from entering. “Ay, we here for Mila, it’s Mike.”

The arm was then retracted and mike gave a nod of approval to the bodyguard, who led them inside the private booth. In the smaller room was about 4 girls, including Mila. She had black, sleek hair trailing down her tan skin. Her nails were painted neon orange while she wore a skimpy, neon yellow dress, promoting the theme of the club which was known for its bright colours. “Hey big daddy..”

“Nah, i ain’t that. Don’t already start Mila.” Mike jokingly warned who embraced the hug from the shorter latina woman who just walked up to hug him. The rest of the three sat down.

“So what do you need?”

“We gonna need some clothes, a car and some guns. Just something quick.”

“Okay i hear that.. but what you gonna do for me though?”

The other three looked at each other wearily before glancing back over at the two and their conversation.

“Listen-“

“Mila, he’s a married man. He can’t do nothing for you!” Marcus interjected, shaking his head.

“So, what does that got to do with me? All you gonna do is close your eyes, i’ll do the rest baby.”

A splutter is heard from within the small room.

“I mean, she ain’t wrong. You close your eyes and she can do everything else Mike.” Marcus whispered, reenacting the movements of what Mike would do in the situation.

“Mila you fucking with me bro, we don’t have anytime for your bullshit. Matter of fact, we outta here-“

Standing up the crew for ready to leave, before clicks were heard across the room. Guns were drawn as the 3 other girls that surrounded Mila stood up on the couch. Bodyguards now covered every exit while shouts were thrown towards the group.

“Y’all better sit your dumb asses down before i kill you!”

“Mila what the fuck are you doing?”

“¡Cállate la boca! Hay una recompensa de 2 millones de dólares por tu cabeza. Solo me estaba demorando, bebé.”

“You a crazy, broke ass bitch.” Malia interjected, mugging the older latina lady as she just laughed.

“Who’s going to be dead and who’s going to have 2 million dollars by the end of it? That’s what i thought.”

Before the brown skinned girl could say anything back, A group of guys entered the room. 5 black men drawn with guns swaggered in, the chains glistening from the strobe of lights as the main one approached Mike. Opening his mouth, his gold grills were shown to the group, highlighting his status.

“Bounty is dead or alive. Don’t do nothing stupid.”

Pushing Mike and Marcus along, one of the men grabbed Malia, wrapping his rough hands around the woman’s arm as he forces her to hurry up.

“Let go of her.” Armando warns, his smooth sultry tone echoing through the dark room which causes everyone to look at him. Including the man who continues to hold Malia.

“Don’t make me say it again.”

“Man just let her go so we can get this money!!” One of the gang members shouted towards the male who just stared at Armando. Huffing, he let her go; not before pushing her forward to get her to continue walking.

“This nigga wants to touch me so bad, what the fuck.” Malia whispered to Armando who just laughed. “quién no lo haría?”

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𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 to respond the group was led outside towards a black van. Climbing into the van, a sudden series of gunshots was scattered towards the vehicle, killing the gang members that held them captive. Hiding behind the van, Armando quickly ran out to get one of the assault guns that was dropped by the dead member.

Jumping into the van, the four hid under the seats.

“Payday Payday! Yo Mike, i know you there with your tired ass!!”

Shaking his head, Mike sighed at the sound of the voice, recognising who it was.

“You know this guy?” Armand suggested, giving a knowing look to his father.

“Uh, i smashed his hand with a hammer a couple years back. Nothing crazy.”

Focusing back on the events going back on outside, the bigger male was still shouting. “I’m with the streets now! It’s my time!” Aiming his gun towards the van, the now identified male, Vincent starts shooting towards the vehicle.

In retaliation, Armando starts shooting back from within the van. Peeking his gun through a blind spot, spraying some of the other active criminals that were there with bullets. With precision and accuracy he successfully fired two shots that were part of vincent’s crew, his toned muscles popping out of the T-shirt he was in as he focused. Malia watched intently, now understanding the danger the surrounded the mexican male. Having a sense of danger yet cool aura to him, which honestly turned her on: slightly.

Marcus slowly crawls up to the driver seat, pressing the gas pedal, driving straight into Vincent whose eyes widen towards as he realises what’s going on. “Fuck!!”

Two more vehicles slide up, shooting Vincent’s gang in attempts to also retrieve the bounty for the bad boys. Jumping into the seat, Marcus pulls off and starts driving away, speeding down the roads in attempts to get away from the chaotic situation occurring by the nightclub.

A sudden flame rose from the cracks of the back door from the van, a molotov spraying a burst of fire around the ring of the entrance of the van.

“Don’t worry guys, the fire is on the outside!”

The cardboard boxes that were in the corner of the van was quickly lit on fire, the fire now reaching the inside. Swirling around Armando’s legs, the small flames create a hot sensation on his clothes as they slowly burn past the fibres, touching some of his receptors on his leg. Realising his legs were on fire, his eyes widened as he start yelling, patting the flames in attempts to extinguish them.

“Oh shit, now it’s on the inside!!” Marcus yelled.

Realising Armando’s current state, Malia quickly helped him out. Opening the door, she kicked the boxes out of the van. Instantaneously, a bullet shot right above the girl - just missing her as it hit off the top of the van. Back on his toes, Armando quickly wrapped his arms around Malia’s waist pulling her back and shutting the door.

“I was fine!!!” She shouted.

“No you wasn’t! Someone just fucking shot at you!”

“Guys, we need to jump out the van!!”

Quickly looking back at each other, the 2 younger ones jumped out of the back while Mike and Marcus jumped out each side. Speeding down the road, the van instantly blew up due to the overheating of the engine and the fire that surrounded it, now destroyed.

The crew looked at each other , panting as they get their breaths back.

“We need to get back to Dorn’s.”

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[🌸] 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒:

“Deberíamos barrer la cabaña, una persona en cada ángulo.”: We should just sweep the hut, one person at every angle.

“Necesitamos movernos.”: We need to move.

“Escucha, tenemos que irnos.”: Listen, we need to go.

“Así que eres útil para algo.” : So you are useful for something.

“Necesitamos armas.”: We need guns.

“¡Cállate la boca! Hay una recompensa de 2 millones de dólares por tu cabeza. Solo me estaba demorando, bebé.”: Shut the fuck up! There is a 2 million dollar bounty on your head. I was just stalling baby.

“quién no lo haría”: Who wouldn’t ?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

[🌸] 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @milliumizoomi @shurisgf @armandosbabymama @wizewhispers @omg-mymelaninisbeautiful @deadpool15 @amplifiedmoan @5tarlan7 @thedarkworldofhananerea @sarcasticbitchsblog @dyttomori @tyneshaaa @yeahnohoneybye @believeinthefireflies95

[frogchiro]

Aww and wouldn't it be a shame if one morning old ms marjorie suddenly found one of the basement steps has mysteriously come loose and she takes a nasty tumble. Nothing too serious of course, but at her age even just a crack in the pelvis can mean weeks in a hospital bed. Poor dear, what an awful accident 😏.

NOW suddenly slasher!graves is offering to stay in a spare room "just to help out round the farm of course. Cant have a pretty lil thing like you trying to run that place all alone now can we?" And he's just so gentlemanly about it but also commanding enough that of course he gets his way >:)

And it's so strange.....reader SWEARS she hears him moving around the house at night, leaving at god-knows-when under the cloak of darkness....falling back into a listless slumber only to be re-awoken by what can only be him returning from his secret trips....the smell of copper clings to the walls like a sickening yellow wallpaper but she cant tell where it comes from. Reader thinks she sees flecks of red on the hardwood the next morning but a few hours later......they're gone. She thinks about saying something to graves but when she approaches him he smiles this wolfish grin, leans his arm against a wall with a "What's on your mind sweetheart?" And she finds herself faltering, asking instead if he was able to mend the fence out in the back of the property (where it backs into the woods....) and of COURSE he's mended the fence for her. And rounded up the animals for the evening so she don't worry her pretty little head!

When the next night comes, she hears the creaking of the stairs, feels a zing of fear run up her spine, but suddenly remembers graves is here, he'll keep her safe, he'd never let anything bad get to her here....😌😌😌

(Sorry for the essay lmao but slasher fics get me excited!)

The thing is, as much as Graves would love to end old Marjorie's life he technically can't. Well, he CAN but it wouldn't really be a wise decision at all. She may be old but she's one of the oldest residents in this town; she's quite well known for her orchard, she's respected and moreover, she's liked. Her sudden disappearance or if she were to be found dead in a ditch, it would cause a much bigger uproar than the usual death of some hillbilly or yahoo or a total stranger so killing her is quickly scratched, but Philip Graves is everything but a quitter and if he can't get you closer to him then he will get closer to you.

What a pity that a very unexpected loose step would send poor Mrs Marjorie into the hospital with a cracked pelvis for at least a month and poor little you is left all alone to tend to the house and farm :((

....Well at least until a certain good samaritanian named Philip Graves didn't appear and offer you (more like stated) that he will be staying here with you until Marjorie gets out of the hospital. At first you refuse since you don't want to distract him and take him away for such a long time away from his ranch but he's insistent, his farmhands will handle everything and it's not like he doesn't have a car and can just drive up in case of emergency! Don't you worry your pretty little head darlin' <3

Almost immediately there's strict rules enforced; he's the man, the theoretical head of the house plus he's much older and more experienced with these things so he'll get the physical labor done and you just be pretty, cook rich meals for him when he comes home in the evenings hungry and tired, and ofc be a good girl and bring the man his beer when he's sprawled out in front of the TV watching football, would you? And like the good girl you are, you of course do it :((

And the best thing? You don't question his escapades late at night, he's pretty sure you don't even know it's him since you sometimes ask him if he saw or heard footsteps outside on the back porch but then he just says that "It must have been them damn coyotes again darlin', nothing to worry about yeah?"

But the last 'incident' was just,,pure delight. Philip knows that he gave you quite the scare, creepin' up on your door like that in the middle of the night but he'd lie if he said that he doesn't enjoy those quick little breaths and the worried look on your face when you're scared; cute.

Like the gentleman he is, he of course first knocked at the door and only when you replied Philip opened the door and went inside your room and there you sat-all pretty and soft and comfy in your bed in that fucking downright sinfully innocent pink nightgown of your. If Philip was a lesser man he swears he'd jump your bones right then and there and breed you full of a kiddie or two.

He innocently chalks up the late night visit to "just wanting to check on you" since he knows you've been getting scared lately and the look of relief of your face said it all really. But...the thing was that he got so awfully lonely in that big ol' guestroom, he thought that maybe...you could start sleeping with him? The months are getting colder and every bit of extra warmth is very much welcome, not to mention that would mean that literally nothing would get to you since Phil would protect you at night when you're most vulnerable!

It's the last argument that seems to win you over and all embarrassed and flustered you pick up your fluffy blanket with you and follow the older man into his bedroom, not noticing the wolfish smirk on his stubbled face. He swears he's in heaven when he feels your soft, smaller body pressed against his in bed and he can't wait until the day where you two will sleep like this in his huge bed back home as husband and wife <3

[conkreetmonkey]

Splatoon 3 is wild because imagine if you were living in Japan due to a recent economic and cultural boom, and suddenly a space shuttle with a mutant house-sized T-rex riding it suddenly burst from the center of Mt. Fuji and disappeared into space without explanation, and all you ever find out about what the fuck that was about is that Zuckerburg mysteriously disappeared the same day and was never seen again, but still "officially" ran Meta through an open secret Queen-Elizabeth-being-in-good-health gaslighting campaign, and everybody kind of suspected he may have been connected but never figured out anything conclusive.

Also the T-rex is now orbiting the earth in the fetal position like the guy from Jojo, and there are rumors of a substance that, if touched, turns you into a half-dinosaur monster. Nobody understands any of this but Meta employees just keep going to work and pretending Zuck still exists. The same 12 prerecorded voicelines constantly squak from the PA system.

Oddly, the statue in front of Meta HQ of a T-rex eating a human changes overnight into one of a giant human eating a tiny T-rex. Nobody noticed the switch, despite the statue being in a constantly bustling area. It happened shortly after the shuttle incident.

Jack Black's tiny clone, Lil' Jack, now wears a headset at all times and has been acting really shady since the incident. Also they're both hyperintelligent, immortal velociraptors found in an ancient cryogenic chamber who spend their days judging college football and eating the legally harvested flesh of hillbillies. Lil' Jack is probably plotting to kill Big Jack, but Big Jack doesn't seem to care, growing fat and lazy, sleeping on public benches in a bed of throw pillows. Also, he's very open about the fact that, as a velociraptor, humans look delicious, but he hasn't actually eaten anybody aside from the aforementioned hillbillies because he's civil.

Everyone is just expected to move on with their lives after this. This is normal to you.

The local art school was recently attacked by giant sea serpents, which were actually hideously bioengineered hillbillies, fulfilling a biblical doomsday prophecy, and they were driven back by Meta's army of minimum wage, part time child soldiers armed with warcrimey jury-rigged weaponry. The sea serpents had giant frying pans grafted into their mouths, which launched primitive tactical nukes made by filling garbage bags with their explosive blood. They still exist, and occasionally defend their comrades, but spend most of their time in the deep sea.

The local homeless emo twink everyone's attracted to is a closet millionaire who sells bootleg clothing in exchange for live rats, which he messily devours behind closed doors. He's also 8 feet tall and British and only has one eye.

North Korean refugees now flood the western world, after a greasy 14 year old hipster, under the guidance of Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, beat Kim Jong Un in a mech battle, and the EDM remix of the Japanese national anthem they performed caused like half the soldiers to immediately realize North Korea sucks ass and defect. One of these individuals, 7 foot tall hypergenius, becomes a newscaster alongside a nepo baby rapper with dwarfism who likes to eat entire jars of mayo, and also they're a popular band. Also also, they may or may not be gay. Almost the entire population is gay, so this isn't a huge deal.

The new local newscasters are a famous Japanese lion tamer, an Indian girl with a bloodline trait allowing her to control snakes, and a Brazillian man the size of a smart car who exclusively communicates via grunts.

Gods, souls and zombies are objectively real, and you're effectively immortal because real-life respawning was invented a while ago. It works like a Keurig, but with mucus instead of coffee. Submersion in water kills you.

A good deal of the population is a hivemind. They pretend to be individuals for no reason.

Almost all men are now femboys.

Despite all this, you still have to go to work at 9 tomorrow.

[talesfrommedinastation]

Redneck Doug watches 'The Bad Batch: A Different Approach'

Believe it or not, this episode started the first real argument between Doug and I!

Hope y'all enjoy it.

CW: Language and Doug is surprisingly critical of fat folks, despite the fact that he's from one of the least healthy states in the USA, has a massive beer gut, and can put away a whole rack of ribs and multiple barbeque fixin's in one sitting. I've seen it in person, folks. We were snipping at each other over fatphobia, glass houses, and the merits of The Treasure State after this.

I might have sacrificed my invitation to his St Patrick's Day party as a result. Oh well.

---------------------------------------------------------

Episode 4: “Adventures in Space Montana” 

(image from @ladyzirkonia)

And we’re starting off with Little Orphan Blondie behind the wheel of a stolen vehicle because the girl is every inch her hillbilly brothers family.

Why is the plane on fire? Does this end like Alive? I thought ships couldn’t burn in space, I mean, I studied engineering, worked in oil, girl I remember Event Horizon.

Whelp, they crashed in a cold-ass field with some pointy mountains behind them. Clearly Montana. Maybe there’s a national park nearby and they can go hiking.

Aw, no, Mutant Jimmers is stuck behind Daddy Warcrimes’s seat! Let the ol girl out before she pees all over the spare tire!

Did they bring their guns? Hope they did. This is Montana, the Texas of the north, except you can’t find the bodies anywhere. If I was gonna go and murder someone, I’d pick Montana after Alaska.  

(Pictured: Omega and Crosshair are somewhere in this picture)

A sketchy cold-ass town where everyone’s gambling, there’s too much military trash wandering around and you see your breath even inside the bar? Yup, definitely Montana. 

(“Montana is not like that! I’ve been there multiple times! I almost went to grad school at UM and the kayaking, skiing, hiking, and breweries are amazing!” - Me, defending a state I have never lived in

“Yeah, but have you been to Butte? Thought I was gonna go get eaten by the locals there.” - Doug

::proceed to bicker and fight via texts about the many merits and demerits of the Big Sky State::)

Aw yeah, Daddy Warcrimes and Little Orphan Blondie got new clothes. Smart man, covering his face, Daddy Warcrimes. He totally looks like me when I gotta rake the lawn in November. I like that sweater, think they’ll sell them at Disneyland? 

And they’re back to gambling. See! I told you this was Montana! They even have a gun rack!

Look at Little Orphan Blondie taking down fools with some cards! I bet Ryan-from-Accounting is smiling watching from Heaven or wherever he’s fighting the Space Balrog to come back as Space Gandalf. 

Oh who is this fat fuck. Lord a mercy, is he the one fat imperial we have ever seen? Man I tell you what I bet he’s too hefty to ride in an AT-AT and that’s why they sent him to Space Montana, thinking the hiking and eating venison and berries will slim that brother up.

Maybe Vader will force him to run while carrying Palpatine like we did to other recruits in the Navy. 

Nope, he’s gambling with a little girl in a bar, because the Empire just can’t follow rules now can it. That don’t make any sense. I’m with you, Daddy Warcrimes, giving that sour puss to everyone. I would too. 

And now Officer Fat Fuck is gone done taking money from a child who beat him fair and square. Yup, he works for the government, all right. I bet he manages the Empire’s DMV.

Creepy little street boy wants some cash to tell them where they took Mutant Jimmers. I don’t blame the boy, it looks like no one wants to buy his shitty watermelon and he ain’t got a face.

Why in the hell are there so many animals in crates and shit here? They starting a zoo or something? Is it all to feed Officer Fat Fuck? I need info on this. 

Shit yeah, fire them guns, Daddy Warcrimes! It’s your time to shine, big boy!

Oh yeah they freed Mutant Jimmers! And everybody else. Oh man, is that a kraken? Whelp, its dinner tonight is Officer Fat Fuck. Good on ya, kraken, you may be named after the world’s worst hockey team but ain’t bad all the time now. 

(pictured: they keep losing games but hey they at least eat imperial officers?)

Gotta fry some dumb Imperial while you’re leaving, of course. Why they wearing them goggles when they got helmets on? Shit, real dumb. Don’t like the Inspector Gadget trench coats either, those can get caught real quick in a door and that’s how you get shot and all. 

Ah yeah, they saved their cash, grabbed a ship, and they’re off to the moon! There they go! 

DADDY RAMBO LITTLE ORPHAN BLONDIE JULIO AND DADDY WARCRIMES ALL BACK TOGETHER! OH MY LORD MEAT MUFFIN I AIN’T EXPECTING THIS THIS EARLY! WOW! 

(image from @dreamswithghosts)

And Mutant Jimmers is with them too. It’s a good day on the moon! 

Tagging Doug's fans of course: @skellymom @cdblake1565 @megmca @sued134 @eyecandyeoz @amalthiaph @yeehawgeek @eelfuneral @thecoffeelorian @lightwise @archivistofnerddom @askyourfox @heavenseed76 @totallyunidentified

[reallylilyreally]

For the Send me a fic of mine and I'll answer...

"moving backwards (just to move forwards)

AND if I get a second pick 😊

"the long road trip home"

YOU CAN PICK AS MANY AS YOU LIKE, I LOVE YOU

Moving backwards (just to move forwards)

My favorite scene

Gotta be Pat Christenson asking if Tab's OK via flashlight morse code. To me, this perfectly embodies everything about Easy, the way that they care, and are so careful with the caring, that from the outside it just looks a bit blase and batshit.

Also the fact that Nix is impressed that Pat bothered with a flashlight because Harry would have just opened the window and yelled. Made me giggle as I wrote it.

Special mentions also to the HORROR that is Tab sobbing in Dick's arms and telling him that he loves him after Grant was shot.

My favorite chapter (if it's a multichapter)

ch11 - Eagles Nest fucking, FO SHO, and Tab kissing Nix like a wife on the balcony the next morning and joking about banging Speirs.

Hardest scene to write

Ooooh. Not sure, it's been a while now! I struggled a little with the scene between Dick and Tab in Hagenau, when Tab goes to fix the Nix problem.

And I cried so hard I couldn't see when I wrote Tab telling Dick he loves him after Grant got shot.

Favorite character to write in the fic

Always Bunny, always. He's my best girl and I make no bones of it.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

Tab/Pat/Chuck. Platonic OT3 forever. They are just so... I don't even know how to say it. The way that they love and support and judge each other, the way that Pat and Chuck are so staunchly defensive and protective of their lovesick idiot, I just am never getting over it.

Why I chose that title

It's a line from a Josie Dunn song, Patterns, that I was (and am) OBSESSED with.

A fun fact about the fic

I had NO IDEA whether it was gonna be OT3 endgame or not until the last three chapters! Looking back at these asks, it feels a bit like a theme...

The Long Roadtrip Home

I had to skim-reread this so i could answer, and that was a fucking JOY so thanks.

My favorite scene

Every time Jay De L'Eau is mentioned doing something stupid.

This bit:

“OK Bill,” he says, “Go.”

Bill takes a big mouthful of coffee, which must burn, but he doesn’t let it show. He swallows, puts his mug down, and enunciates his words very, very carefully. “Hillbilly, Skipper, respectfully, what the fuck.”

Andy resists the urge to look at Eddie, who raises one very expressive eyebrow and gives Bill his best drawl. “Gonna need to ask you to be a bit more specific there, Private.”

Leyden makes a deeply indelicate noise in the back of his throat, and waves his arms around the room. “This,” he says, indicating the kitchen with a broad sweep of one hand, “That,” he flings an arm towards the doorway and the stairs. “Snafu, the fucking psycho place we just stormed, Gunny… Do you know that man has a whole-ass house, with several bedrooms, and he sleeps outside?”

“He doesn’t like sleeping under a roof,” says Eddie very calmly, as if this is a very normal thing that doesn’t indicate any other issues possibly related to decades spent in combat.

Bill makes another noise, this one higher up, indicating a level of hysteria that Andy feels very familiar with. Eddie continues to watch them in a dramatically neutral manner that he knows from experience is both infuriating and deeply unsettling.

“Ok, fuck Gunny then, let’s all just leave that to one side, man doesn’t like roofs, whatever. Are we going to pretend that all the rest of it is normal?” He waves wildly around the kitchen again, as if to indicate the extreme abnormality of their living situation.

“Feels very normal to me,” says Eddie, still perfectly calm.

“Me too,” says Andy, “Nothing strange about it.”

Bill throws his head back to the ceiling with an expression that looks like it would probably be a howl if he wasn’t conscious of a hopefully-sleeping Marine upstairs. Andy isn’t quite sure why Eddie is needling Leyden like this, but feels confident that there’s some design to it, something in this that his Lieutenant thinks the Private needs, because Eddie isn’t usually irritating on purpose. Or by accident. Or at all. So he lets it go on for a few more minutes, Bill incoherent with frustration and Eddie an implacable lake of calm, because he’s sure it serves a purpose and he’s finding it disproportionately entertaining. And then he takes pity on Bill.

“Right,” he says, and watches both of them snap to him. No one actually salutes, but it looks like a close call. Bill’s hand actually twitches. “The this stuff,” he continues, waving a hand around his kitchen a la Leyden, “Will have to wait til Snafu and Burgie get here, because we owe you an explanation, but I think for the sake of my sanity I’m going to have to insist we give it to all of you at once.”

“We don’t owe them shit,” says Eddie, and there’s a bite to it that comes out of nowhere.

“Yeah, no, Skip,” Leyden all of a sudden is contrite, “Absolutely fuckin not, obviously! Just… This is fucking big, right? And you’ve told us, now, but barely. Speaking for myself, and Jay who is obviously the nosiest motherfucker on the planet, but this is like, your epic love story, right? So, sharing. That’s the appropriate thing to do with your epic love story and your Marines.”

It’s a bizarrely sweet thing to say, Andy hides the smile creeping up on him with a sip of his coffee. Eddie mirrors him, and it’s a little love letter all by itself.

“OK,” Eddie says, after he’s finished. “That’s Gunny covered, and our epic love story. What’s next, Bill?”

Leyden looks at him, really truly looks at him, and Andy for a moment feels a surge of the protective instinct that he had to keep a handle on in the desert – Bill is looking at Eddie and seeing the whole of him, which has not ever been a thing that could be OK before.

“The place we just took Sledge from,” says Bill, and he’s lost all of his bravado and swagger, he sounds wary in a way that is unfamiliar. “Was it what I think it was?”

Eddie stays quiet for a moment, and then he puts his hands down on the table, examining his fingers, before looking back up at them. “I don’t know, for sure. But Shelton sure as shit thought it was. He was fucking terrified.”

Bill nods sharply. Andy looks at Eddie, a brief, unspoken question.

He speaks again, “Did it look like it?”

“Shit Hillbilly, I’m from New York, I have no idea what shit like that looks like. Made me feel fuckin cold though, and not just the aircon, they were all bland smiling fuckin flat-affect motherfuckers talking like robots, all slick and helpful and shit. Felt fuckin sinister. Took me two minutes listening to Gunny talk to the broad at the front desk to know I was gonna burn the fuckin place down to get Sledge out of there.”

Andy sees it on him, too, the way that the place shook him up, in a way that rolling through artie in an open-top Jeep never did. Eddie hums, a little soothing sympathy.

“Was it hard to get them to turn him over?” Eddie asks.

"Didn’t get to hit anyone,” Bill says, and there’s regret in his voice that is tinged with fury. “But Gunny definitely implied that I would. They claimed he was there voluntarily an that he could leave whenever he wanted. So Gunny insisted on seeing him, so we could ask him ourselves. They threatened to call the cops on us at that point, but Gunny was all in favour of that, so they backed down on it pretty quickly. They pushed back pretty hard for a bunch of fuckin robots, but Gunny wore them down. An when they let him see us, Gunny asked if he wanted to leave, an he said yes, sir.”

The look on Bill’s face when he says that last sentence is actually physically painful to see.

“Tried to get him to fill out a bunch of paperwork in a private room,” Bill continues, “But I told them very clearly where to shove it, and we got Oscar Mike as fast as we fuckin could.”

I love the way that Bill is trying very hard to be a tough motherfucker about this, but at the same time he's massively out of his depth and overwhelmed and doesn't wanna get anything wrong, and he's been Shit Scared this whole time. Poor man.

My favorite chapter (if it's a multichapter)

ch5! We've got Burgie, we've got trauma, we've got gay marines cuddling and Bill Leyden's head exploding.

Hardest scene to write

Honestly? This one kinda just flew out of me, I wrote it like a fuckin fever dream in about three weeks and I didn't read a single word back until it was published. Just vomited it onto the screen and hurled it into the ether.

Favorite character to write in the fic

Bill Leyden. Didn't see him coming, but i fucking LOVED him once he got there. What a man.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

Andy/Eddie, obviously, because they are so soft and careful and deliberate with each other, and they are so in love.

I cried typing those words, I think I need another coffee.

Overall though, the main joy of this fic was writing the ensemble scenes. I make no bones about it, i'm in HBOWar for The Squad. The way these groups of men love each other and the very un-lovely ways they show it. It's my jam. I'm a woman who spends a lot of time in large groups of men in very masculine contexts, and the group dynamics of boys will never cease to delight me. You're all so dumb.

Why I chose that title

Jesus, I can't remember.

A fun fact about the fic

This was the first fic I'd written in 15 years, and the first one I ever finished, or published. It remains one of the pieces of writing I am most proud of, and the experience of writing it was utterly transformative. This fic changed my life.

What a weird thing to say.

[love-and-hisses]

Former foster update! Remember Spock (gray and white; now Jethro) and Janeway (now Elly May), who were adopted together and went to live in the hollers of Kentucky? Sure you do! Well here they are now.

Tammy says: "The hillbillies are thriving in the holler. They are definitely coming into their own personalities. Miss Elly has gone from tomboy to girly girl. She still loves her springs but isn't as interested in tussling with her brother or playing chase. She likes snuggling or playing calmly. Jethro has gone from follower to king and protector of the house. He is a mouser!! The bedroom door flies open and the husband hollers, "Get up! Jethro has a mouse!!" To which I reply, "A real one?!?" (Here's your sign. Bill Engvall fans will get that one) There is a shadow on the feeding photo because I have to stand watch like a guard at a prison chow line. Elly is a dainty eater while Jethro plows through his, then wants to horn in on hers. Evenings are for snuggling, tv watching and Churu, of which they are still huge fans."

How wonderful is that? SO wonderful. 😻 (Thank you Tammy!)

[warcorrespondence]

Review: the good things in life

By seabright - review by @lamialamia

fandom: The Pacific

Pairing: Hildane

Explicit, 8421 words

Hello lovelies, I hope I subvert your expectation by going offbrand and start my review series with a Hildane fic. You can't blame a girl for expanding herself into uncharted territory.

This is an oldie but a goodie, originally posted on Livejournal before cross-posting on Ao3 in 2011. 2011. That's a hecking decade and three years ago! But don't worry, this fic ages like fine wine.

(if anyone know seabright's tumblr or any equivalent, please tell me about it so I can tag the author as appropriate)

This fic is a modern AU that put our beloved Andy into the White House, and as the president of the United States no less, where the stake is the highest it has ever been. But as always, as required by nature and the divine beings above, he had Eddie Jones by his side as they "tag-team" the presidency. The fic starts off with a news article that dare to ask the question: wait, isn't Jones kinda, eh, The First Lady if not in name but in spirit? and that kind of question means political turmoil is looming on the horizon.

I love the author's voice in this as we switch back-and-forth between the various news clippings, emails, texts, and social media posts (including Tweets on Twitter™️!) and the third-person POVs surrounding Ack-Ack and Hillbilly. As someone who has tackled multiple POVs before, this is no small task, and here, the author had done an excellent job. The voices are clear, everyone's incredibly distinct. It's funny and never too serious, yet can have hard-hitting emotional punches.

The way the characters integrate into the modern world is seamless, Ack-Ack remains a charming, if idealistic, and practical, capable leader. And Hillbilly's his person, who gets his back in every which way.

Besides that, I love the side characters' voices too. Especially Addy. Young OCs are tough, yo. Addy speaks her age, but she's thoughtful like her father, and wickedly smart. She's very endearing from the start to the end of the fic.

As the story unfolds and our characters are once more faced with the choice between duty and personal happiness, I can't help but admire their strength to do the right thing. The author shows how big a price it is to do the right thing. Yet the love remains strong. The story never loses hope.

A funny thing that showing the fic's age is how some of the handmade photoshop pics is broken. Trust me I have tried the Wayback Machine to find them and it didn't work.

All in all, a great treat in just under 10k word for The Pacific War Dads.

[dead-by-mending]

Legion members relationships with other killers

Just trying to get good with headcannons, feedback would be appreciated

Trapper : Strict dad and mischievious kids vibes. They always mess with his traps, get caught, get scolded, apologize, hug, and repeat. No one will ever know, but Evan cried over a drawing Susie made for him

Wraith : They like to hang out with him. If they want some scrap to make stuff, Philip will gladly let them take some (unless they try to take hooks). Joey tried to teach him rap, but he didn't really understand...

Hillbilly : He likes having them around, even if they cause a mess in his house. Max never had real friends before, so he's happy to have some in those meddling kids. He likes to show off his longest chainsaw sprints to them

Nurse : They don't really hang out with her too much, because of her insane nature. But whenever they get hurt outside of trials, Sally is always here to help. And she loves to have some tea with the girls

Myers/Shape : Although they're big fans of his movies, especially Frank and Julie, they usually stay away from him. Michael wouldn't let them approach without stabbing them anyway

Hag : They were surprised when they found out Lisa was actually around their age. She shows them some tricks she can do with her traps, and some tips to take care of totems

Doctor : Since Herman was labeled as the Killers' therapist, they're kinda forced to talk to him regularly. Otherwise, they stay away from him as much as possible

Huntress : Anna likes to take care of them. She teaches them some hunting techniques, and tries to cook them some stuff to eat. She always giggles to herself whenever she remembers that one time Susie accidentaly called her "mama"

Leatherface/Cannibal : From watching his movies, they know about how Bubba's family used to treat him, so they try to be nice to him. Frank even agreed to taste his chili. Obviously the human flesh bits weren't really good for him...

Nightmare/Freddy : At first they thought it was Robert Englund's Freddy Kruger, so they were excited to meet him. Then they realized how wrong they were. Susie was the one feeling the most uncomfortable around him...

Pig/Amanda : Since Saw came out after they were taken by the Entity, they had no idea who she was. But they liked hanging out with her anyway, especially Julie. They eventually got their hands on the first Saw trilogy and learned more about her

Clown : At first, they found him creepy and avoided him. But when it was clear that Kenneth didn't mean no harm (at least to them), they started hanging around his carnival. He especially liked to see Susie play with Maurice

Spirit : Rin quickly became good friends with the Legion, even if Kazan kinda disagrees. She hangs out a lot with Julie and Susie. Frank even thought about dating her, before he fell for Kate

Plague : They don't really get near Adiris, because of her Plague, but Julie and Susie always enjoy talking with her (6ft apart, of course)

Ghostface : Danny is that one funny uncle for the Legion. Even though when they first met him, they were kinda disappointed he wasn't one of the killers from Scream. He turned to be one hell of a cool guy anyway

Demogorgon : Puppy. Yes, that's it. Well not actually... When the Entity abandoned the realm of Hawkins (because let's be honest, Vecna kinda wanted it for himself), they were allowed to keep Demo

Oni : If you read what I said earlier with Spirit, then you know that Kazan doesn't like those indecent, immature and gross teenagers (yes, that's what he said). So they just avoid him

Deathslinger : They really like the old cowboy that Caleb is, even though he won't let them touch his gun. He often tells them stories about his bounties and other adventures with his gang

Executioner/Pyramid Head : They're afraid of him, even though he actually doesn't care about them. If they ever felt guilty about the store cleaner, then they probably stopped, because he never went after them

Blight : They never forgave Talbot for what he did to them with his serum. They hate him with a burning passion and never forget to remind him anytime they come across him... Problem is that he couldn't care less, he got what he wanted and moved on

Twins : They don't really hang out that much, but when they do, they always kinda enjoy it. Charlotte always likes to see Susie play with Victor. She was even surprised when she found out they knew a bit of words in French

Trickster : While the rest of the group kinda likes him, Frank can't stand Ji-Woon. They always get on eachother's nerves

Nemesis : They don't really stay near him, but Nemmy doesn't really cause them any trouble. None of them are S.T.A.R.S. members, after all

Cenobite : Same as Myers : they're fans of the Hellraiser movies (especially Frank and Julie), and that's why they stay away from Pinhead, they know what he's capable of

Artist : Probably their fellow killer that they feel bad for the most. Susie likes to draw stuff with Carmina, hoping to cheer her up with that. They also started getting nicer to crows (not that they were mean to them before, they just didn't care)

Onryo : Thankfully they watched the original Ringu movie, otherwise they wouldn't have any idea about who Sadako is. She formed, with Susie, Lisa and Rin, their own group of killer girls.

Dredge : The only time they approached it was to attack it, when they learned it consumed Maurice. Apart from that, they always stayed away from it, and they never forgave either...

Mastermind : Frank and Joey only remember Wesker from the original Resident Evil 1 (yes, it possibly released before they were taken, I checked), so they were kinda surprised with the Uroboros stuff. They quickly started to make fun of him, and he hated that

Knight : At first they were kinda jealous that Tarhos could bring his buddies in trials while they couldn't stay together. But they quickly forgot about that because they find him really cool, even though he finds them as, I quote, "insufferable brainless youth"

Skull Merchant : They wish they could like Adriana (especially Joey and Julie), but let's be honest, her power sucks and even they know it. Hopefully her new idea for it (her rework) will possibly change that

Singularity : Since they were told Hux would just attack any human on sight, they stayed away from him. But they still watched him from afar and thought he's really cool. Susie even puked when she first saw his mori

Xenomorph : Same as Demo, except that they see Xeno as kitty. They love to cause mess by having their 2 pets play together

Good guy/Chucky : They were really excited to see Chucky arrive in the realm, and even more when they learned he was going to live with them

[frankendykes-monster]

Countdown to Halloween 2023, Ranked

43. Swamp Thing (1982)

42. Curse of Bigfoot (1975)

41. The Haunting (1999)

40. Orca (1977)

39. Teenagers Battle The Thing (1958)

38. The Beast (1975)

37. Don't Go in The House (1979)

36. Countess Dracula (1971)

35. Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967)

34. Beware! The Blob (1972)

33. Alien Space Avenger (1989)

32. Baby Blood (1990)

31. Shriek of The Mutilated (1974)

30. The Mutations (1974)

29. Phase IV (1974)

28. Curse of The Faceless Man (1958)

27. The Sadist (1963)

26. Jennifer (1978)

25. The Wasp Woman (1959)

24. Noroi: The Curse (2005)

23. Girls Nite Out (1982)

22. The Monster of Piedras Blancas (1959)

21. The Cat and The Canary (1927)

20. Tell Your Children (Reefer Madness, 1936)

19. The Company of Wolves (1984)

18. It's Alive (1974)

17. The Wolf House (2018)

16. Michael Jackson's Halloween (2017)

15. The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963)

14. The Omega Man (1971)

13. Gamera: Rebirth (2023)

12. Student Bodies (1981)

11. Night Caller From Outer Space (1965)

10. Inhumanoids (episodes 1 - 5, 1986)

9. Blind Woman's Curse (1970)

8. Maniac (1980)

7. The Child (1977)

6. Zombie 3 (1988)

5. Return of The Living Dead (1985)

4. Spider Baby (1967)

3. Basket Case (1982)

2. Messiah of Evil (1973)

Godzilla (1954)

Woof. Okay. This has been a mostly disappointing viewing experience.

Critical difference between this year's countdown and the past two is that now that I have stable employment, there is far less time to be watching horror films. I normally begin the countdown in September but we started in July of this year and still barely managed to crack 40, with my original goal being a full 100 this year. Timing. As such a lot of my plans and possible viewings were cut short and compared to last year specifically we fell back on a lot of "seen it already" at least for the top of the list.

This year's batch of viewings were largely blah, but a step up from the shitshow I put myself through last year (watching nearly every Texas Chainsaw sequel does things to a person). As such it'll be difficult to conjure up words for a decent chunk of these mostly because yes, these movies exist, I watched them, I would not recommend that you yourself watch them. That is all. If I write briefly on a given film that's not necessarily an indictment of its quality as there a decent number of these that I saw and enjoyed it's just their impact might be a bit fleeting. You will know which ones I actively disliked. I mostly just want to write about the top five or so but I will play fair.

Our grand loser this year is Swamp Thing, the DC Comics adaptation by Wes Craven. I watched this pretty much entirely because I finally got the Alan Moore Swamp Thing run in paperback this year after quite some time of having it on my to-buy list. Longtime Rachael/Ray/Ratchet fans may recall me reading it in early 2019 alongside [REDACTED]. Still one of the best Moore comics, and a second volume of Swamp Thing wouldn't have been possible without the success of this film. For context I did read the early Swampies by Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson and my general reaction to those was a'ight but there was definitely material for a serviceable film adaptation there. This is not that serviceable film adaptation. I'm not hung up on details like how Abigail has no connection to Arcane now despite being his niece in the comics, but this film is just kind of painful in how relatively unambitious it is which is saying something for Swamp Thing sword fighting another human mutation at the end of this. It's just silly and stupid and not scary or awe inspiring or anything, the Swamp Thing suit sucks, the action sucks, any sense of pathos is not there or gone, it stretches for 30 minutes too long like it's a padded TV pilot, the only highlight is being able to see Adrienne Barbeau's breasts. Fuck this it's a miserable experience to sit through. My mistake for watching a Wes Craven film that doesn't have "Scream" in the title.

Our next shitter is the two-for-one abomination that is Teenagers Battle The Thing (1958) and Curse of Bigfoot (1975); these are the same movie except Curse of Bigfoot has a 25 minute opening scene framing device that is bizarre given that "The Thing" of the original film is a Native American mummy of some sort unearthed by a group of white high school students. It's the rare personal pet project movie made for fun by some locals but the only highlights are the occasional kill scene, Curse of Bigfoot ranks lower just for making me sit through it longer. Blah.

Speedrunning through a bunch of these because theyre all varying degrees of bad and I don't want to spend any longer writing about these than you probably do reading about them: The Haunting is awful and I don't even super care for the original film so adding shitty CGI monsters and a moral lesson of "it's about family!" doesn't help. Orca is a shitty Jaws cash-in that's like a reverse Moby Dick where the sea animal hunts down the human, nice finale where the orca and shitty poacher guy are fighting it out in the Arctic but otherwise avoid. Don't Go in The House is a mysoginistic torture porn movie that really doesn't sell the "seemingly normal guy is a closet nutcase" thing even though movies made before and after have done it well (see Maniac several paragraphs below). The Beast is advertised as this really scandalous porno film but most of it is French aristocrats sitting around in stuffy rooms arguing about real estate. I think I only watched Countess Dracula for its inclusion in the "if this is her vibe I would fucking cum" meme and it's barely worth bringing up at all. Hillbillys in a Haunted House has an absolutely lovely Tennessee country soundtrack that I wish I could listen to without having to watch the actual movie which is devoid of both scares and laughs. Beware! The Blob gives off the feeling of sitting at a funeral for a family member that was just distant enough for you to be aware of them but not actually be upset but it's still a funeral so it's not like you're smiling, stick with the 1988 Blob film. Alien Space Avenger has some decent gore effects but that's all I can recall from it. Shriek of The Mutilated has one of the best titles for an otherwise uninspired yeti movie that has a needless third act twist about it being a cover for a cult and blah blah blah fuck you. Baby Blood has an alien mutant whatever crawl up a woman's vagina into her womb and she has to eat people to feed it and yeah I'm actually struggling to remember what happens here. The Mutations has a scene where a guy cuts into a tree and it bleeds, I think he's played by Donald Pleasance. Yeah, it's like Freaks except it plays to the freak show straight so you get to laugh at all the outcasts of society, no thank you.

Some odds and ends that I'd say are decent-to-pretty-good: Phase IV has some footage of ants and synth music. All you need is some footage of ants and synth music. Curse of The Faceless Man employs a rarely seen archetype of the living statue monster, it's cute. The Sadist is another starring vehicle for Arch Hall Jr., who was also the star of last Halloween's Eegah! (1962), though this film is a bold trendsetter for the 1960's with Hall being a unhinged killer holding people for ransom until they can fix his car and he can make a getaway. The film lives and dies by Hall's performance and it's mostly the latter until we get to an absolutely superb final act with him hunting down his remaining victims, it makes the whole film worth seeing. Jennifer is an oddball that plays out mostly like a character drama ("It wasn't my fault Daddy it was that stupid hillbilly bitch Jennifer") that suddenly remembers that it's supposed to be a cash-in of Carrie (1976) in the last 20 minutes and cue our titular character being able to summon and control snakes to send after her tormentors. Girls Nite Out is a plodding meandering slasher that's oddly hypnotizing considering so much of it takes place in pitch-black night and the killer is wearing a bear mascot costume with serrated knives hidden under the glove, not sure what fully to make of it. The Monster of Piedras Blancas is made up of leftover parts from the Gillman, Mole People, and Metaluna Mutant, but still manages to star in a decent enough film that gives a sense of what a series of monster attacks would do to a small seaside community. The Cat and The Canary is "cute" for lack of a better term being a horror comedy before the former genre had fully crystalized. Reefer Madness is horror adjacent more than anything but a hilariously good time about how the use of "marihuana" will drive today's youth into becoming crazed fiends and get involved in organized crime.

We can do this.

The Company of Wolves has an excellent story book like setting an atmosphere that you can't get in films nowadays and it's a shame that it's mostly remembered for its transformation sequences. it's Alive is the best Larry Cohen film by default of not sucking but it's still not "great", genius however for playing the concept of mutant newborn killer baby completely seriously without any sense of humor to the proceedings. The Girl Who Knew Too Much is almost a parody of giallo films which is interesting given those hadn't fully sprang up in 1963; absolute highlight is the main character being interviewed in bed by doctors and reporters and the like that yes she did see a murder and no she doesn't drink. I've always been fascinated and haunted by I Am Legend and while The Omega Man doesn't really capture the novel to a superb degree it's so beautifully shot that it lands high in the rankings for that alone. Night Caller From Outer Space is hilarious to me because of how it shifts halfway through from a Hammer-esque mystery about a meteorite with radioactive properties to a film about an alien that lures women in through a modeling advertisement. Blind Woman's Curse I've mentally confused with Irezumi for a while now (haha all 1960's Japanese genre films where woman have large animal tattoos on their backs are the saaame), and it's one I mostly watched for being directed by Teruo Ishii, but there's enough bloody yakuza fights and cats licking up blood for me to stick around; not the strongest Meiko Kaiji vehicle compared to Female Prisoner Scorpion or Lady Snowblood. Maniac I find mostly interesting as a precursor to American Psycho (2000) but also it's probably the only serious film to successfully pull off it's ending trope (which I will not spoil here). The Child is an absolutely lovely 1970's only-a-dozen-people-made-this-and-not-much-more-watched-it horror that oozes atmosphere, I could watch stuff like this all day. Aaand Zombie 3 is far and away the best film that Lucio Fulci has been involved with that I've ever seen. I love random scenes and set pieces of ghouls just massacring people that are shit out out of luck.

Okay, now for the ones I actually want to write about.

The Wasp Woman is one that sticks in my head way more than any other random monster movie that Roger Corman directed in the latw 1950's. I've said on here and Letterboxd that it could have served as a standard pop-feminist piece about how the cosmetology industry is built on misogyny and invariably a monster is accidentally created because of that, but this most recent viewing has made me sort of "get it" because that might be what the film is going for considering Susan Cabot's performance leads me to believe that she is aware that she is becoming a homicidal wasp monster but views it as a tragic means to an end where she still has the ability to have a new advertising campaign with her as the star. Tragic. This is why you don't wear make up.

Both Noroi: The Curse and The Wolf House are ones I didn't care for whatsoever but I put them in places on the ranking that I thought were fair given that people should probably watch them regardless of my personal thoughts. Noroi's format didn't really lend itself to the escalation of tension and reveal of information that the plot demanded and I found myself thinking it meanders quite a bit. The Wolf House was an odd one where everything that was happening onscreen bounced off of me mostly because I felt intimately aware that I was watching a movie, that someone had made something and that I was now being shown it. Blah. People like these so don't let me stop you.

Our animated offerings this year...

Michael Jackson's Halloween more than anything feels like an unlicensed creation that later had an English fan dub commissioned, not something that actually aired on CBS twice. Any laughs that I found in this thing were the unintentional type as we open up with Bubbles talking and being Jackson's chauffeur; you know exactly what you're getting into. Very little of the plot is explained but I'm assuming Jackson (who has no lines given this was made posthumously) orchestrates a dark fantasy adventure to hook two...teenagers? People in their late 20's? And convince them to follow their dreams of performing instead of working a deadend dayjob. I'm not sure who the actual audience for this was given it feels like so much of it was made for children but I will say anything that has this much of Michael Jackson's music in it can't be all bad, though I'm not sure why they didn't largely stick with tracks from the album Thriller (in the contention for best album ever, I don't care).

Gamera: Rebirth is one I feel like I'm on the outside on compared to most other tokusatsu fans because I didn't really *love* to a serious degree even though, yes, Gamera is finally back. The first three episodes are mostly just kind of a slog for me with the backhalf not doing enough to retroactively make me think highly of it, though giving off End of Evangelion vibes may make me consider that a second viewing must be in order down the line. Rebirth's strongest attribute is that it feels like it takes into consideration and influence from every prior era of Gamera, no stone is left unturned, and it's a marked contrast from how every recent Godzilla property only captures a single facet of their respective character. But that also creates unique issues like how a lot of criticism of ongoing US military presence in Japan is undercut so there can be a white kid in the main cast (because white children were always present in half of the Showa series) or having the ancient civilization that genetically engineered the kaiju now being malicious and actively sacrificing children as a means of reshaping the world gives me vaguely anti-semitic tones, I don't know, Gamera is still here, I guess.

"I was just a little twerp who liked Scooby-Doo and Smurfs, now I was viewing Cthulhu mutants ruin the Earth."

Everyday that we have Inhumanoids is a gift. Inhumanoids is another Hasbro/Sunbow production like G. I. Joe, Transformers, or Jem and The Holograms, and it is truly tragic that it never got anywhere near that level of attention compared to its siblings. The fact that a 1980's action figure tie-in cartoon is named for its antagonists is only the start; the series follows a small paramilitary outfit of scientists named Earth Core that are tasked with more or less saving the world alongside the Mutores, elemental beings, when the Inhumanoids, eldritch abominations, are unleashed. The degree of world-building beyond your typical "good guys vs. bad guys" affair is astounding with villainous humans and virtuous monsters abounding, but Inhumanoids is mostly magical and remembered for saying fuck all to any type of broadcast standards. Seeing giant monsters destroy cities, undead armies, and spelunking deep into the Earth (where nightmares begin...) are just standard fair here, as are witnessing the actual Inhumanoids such as Metlar (basically the devil) or D'Compose (giant undead entity that can zombify people by touching them and uses his ribcage like a jail cell) in action. The first five episodes here are the pilot movie of sorts for the series which only lasted thirteen overall, and they get more grissly from here on out, but maybe it's best that Inhumanoids is the short lived cartoon and no the cartoon that went soft as early as its second season. I will never not love this show, to this day it's one of my favorite animated series from any decade, much less the 1980's.

Back to our regularly scheduled live-action programming...

Student Bodies is a fascinating film for a myriad of reasons the first of which is that there were somehow enough slasher films by 1981 for there to be a comedy poking fun at all the already established genre-cliches. It's essentially Scary Movie (2000) a full 20 years ahead of the curve only actually funny in spite of the subject matter frequently being as juvenile and prejudiced; but it also reminds me quite a bit of Scream (1996) with stuff like two killers working together. All I know is I was in for a decent time when the film opens with three identical shots of a house just with different framing text: "HALLOWEEN," "FRIDAY THE 13TH," "JAMIE LEE CURTIS' BIRTHDAY" and then the killer, The Breather, calls the opening kill girl doing nothing but breathing heavily, she hangs up, he calls back with "I SAID [heavy breathing]."

Return of The Living Dead is one of those films that should have destroyed the any artifically-imposed boundaries between "high" and "low" art. Every aspect of this film is brilliantly made, it just so happens to be made for stuff like Scooby-Doo music overlaid on top of thunderstorms over graveyards where one female character is stripping to the concept of dying. Media involving ghouls is incredibly oversaturated, and this was still the case in the 1980's where a film like this had to redefine the rules to make it so killing ghouls was basically a non-option. It only recently struck me on this viewing that that's the whole purpose of removing virtually all weaknesses they have, to keep the characters as the nail instead of the hammer. Compared to the Romero films, there's never a point where anyone is in control of the situation, it just escalates further and further until there is literally no way out. Taking that into consideration, there's no way this film couldn't have been a comedy that frames people getting swarmed and eaten by ghouls as hilarious.

The soundtrack and the faux-punk sensibilities lend this a daft feeling of "you shouldn't be watching this" in spite of it not being one of the MOST gory horror films of the 1980's. I still don't get how this never broke into the mainstream. I mean somehow people know that ghouls (in this film) speak and only eat brains but I can't go down to Target and get a Tarman action figure like I can one of Michael Myers. As such Return of The Living Dead remains a criminally overlooked film regardless of its subject matter. It's made me laugh and cringe and feel disgusted and revolt at the concept at dying but mostly it's made me feel a delicious sense of joy at seeing corpses rise out of the ground to the tune of "Do you wanna party? IT'S PARTY TIIIME!" Some of you need to sit in the corner and think about your life choices for making stupid shit like Re-Animator (1985) or fucking Shaun of The Dead (2004) more popular than this, fuck you.

The act of watching Spider Baby is like discovering the missing link. For as much as 1960 gave us an explosion of horror (Eyes Without a Face, The Ship of Monsters, Psycho, Jigoku, Black Sunday, etc.) and Night of The Living Dead (1968) reins as the perennial transition point of the genre, Spider Baby is the road by which we go from The Cat and The Canary and The Old Dark House to the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Eraserhead, it's magical finding an essential piece of a genre you love so much. Both the former and latter points of comparison are apt as a family of now only children [and their butler] suffering from Poe-esque hereditary illness have their condemned house set upon by distant relatives and everything slowly unravels.

Lon Chaney Jr. is an actor who for the longest time I felt never got a proper chance to shine wherein the last 25 years or so of his career was spent playing as side character actor in independent films. Spider Baby is his crowning achievement. Seeing him smile through almost tears on several occasions as he has to play bridge between worlds of sanity and madness and lie to everyone that he has some sense of control over the situation is brilliant in ways I always knew he was capable of but had never seen before this point. Bravo.

I will never not love Basket Case with everything I've got. This is the epitome of 1980's horror and my clear pick for best of the decade. It has everything from being a grungy putrid grindhouse spectacle to being an intimate character drama to everything presented through a wry ironic lense where you can't tell if any "bad" performances are all done on purpose. Between this, Brain Damage (1988), and Frankenhooker (1990), there is literally absolutely no reason why Frank Henenlotter shouldn't be more popular than Stuart Gordon, Brian Yuzna, and Lloyd Kaufman *combined*. It's tragic that the world of cinema being enclosed and captured by studios again in the late 1980's prevented us from getting more from him, but realistically could we ask anymore than what we already got from Basket Case? I could watch this every day and never grow tired of it. I will never stop making more and more people watch this.

If Basket Case is the apex of 1980's horror, then Messiah of Evil is the same for 1970's horror. This is one of the most efficient horror films ever made in how not a single frame is wasted, the opening scene is literally a guy running from unseen force, seeking refuge, getting his throat slit, cue title card with synth music that then leads us to a sunburnt hallway as our narrator descends into acceptance of complete lack of control of the situation. Every night shot in this film must be 50 - 75% completely black with whatever headlight or store front there is just making the scenery look like a dollhouse that our characters are trapped inside. There's so many shots of people running away or walking down streets that make them look tiny as the camera is so far.

Every scene is an exercise in building up dread. There's no point where the film relents, something awful is not only coming, it's already here and there's nothing anyone can do. What I love particularly is that the mystery being laid out doesn't offer any answers because there's another mystery on top of what our characters find out only too late. Layers upon layers of dread that even the titular Messiah of Evil isn't the center of. The world is a cruel fucking place where this film languishes in obscurity whilst shit like The Exorcist enjoys mainstream attention. A lot of my taste amounts to "why isn't this thing I like more popular" and cases like Messiah of Evil vindicate me.

"Godzilla is the son of the atomic bomb. He is a nightmare created out of the darkness of the human soul. He is the sacred beast of the apocalypse." - Tomoyuki Tanaka

Generally a yearly trend is that a #1 pick for Halloween is self-evident to me and this year it was Basket Case for all of 30 seconds until I picked Godzilla back up.

There's something to be said how Godzilla isn't quite a horror monster? Terrifying but not necessarily creepy, but what power do things that go bump in the night have against the destruction of everything you know? Everytime I watch Godzilla is like the very first time, when flashing lights out at sea destroy fishing ships I have no idea what happened, or at least any much of a clue as anyone in film does when we're told that the entire ocean exploded.

Godzilla is a reptile, but lacks scales and its entire body is coated in keloid scars. In 1954 Godzilla must have been the largest monster every committed to film, trains are derailed from running against its ankle and bell and radio towers are throttled for being a sensory inconvenience. Godzilla's first on-screen appearance on Odo Island is obscured by a hurricane but the impression is clear; you can't fight Godzilla in the same way you can't fight a natural disaster. When Tokyo is reduced to complete ruin amidst a sea of flames, it's an onslaught of destruction never before seen in a film of this genre. Survivors being afflicted with radiation poisoning shows that Godzilla will claim victims long after being driven back to sea.

There's a sheer apocalyptic dread to all of this sensed by all the characters. Love tries to exist on the edge of annihilation. There's nothing that can be done but persevere and maybe hope tomorrow will be better. A scene that always strikes me is when Serizawa is adamant about not using the Oxygen Destroyer until forcibly confronted with the results of one night of Godzilla making landfall in Japan. The absolute pain felt by everyone in the finale starts here, things couldn't play out any differently as the "scientist of the century" can't join in and celebrate his victory.

Godzilla is a rare perfect film. I will never tire of it.

[aliypop]

How's the World Treating You

Word Count: 1,670

Writers Note: Inspired by @sissylittlefeather Baby Let's Play House, I don't usually write angst but this is what I came up with...

Warning: Mentions of Domestic Abuse / Smut/ Language

Pairing: POC OC x Elvis

Summary: When Elvis and Cecelia figure it time to take a break from each other, Cecelia finds that her comfort is Elvis.

Taglist

@darkmoviesquotespizza

@sissylittlefeather

@richardslady121

@thegettingbyp2

@presleyenterprise

@sissylittlefeather

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@leapresley

Memphis, Tennessee, January 1957

"You ungrateful whore I made you!" Anthony shouted. He had Cecelia cornered against his wall. Trembling, Cecelia wondered how she was back to her ex-boyfriend, Anthony Rodgers. "I don't know what you mean..." Cecelia looked up into his brown eyes, "I made you, and I will break you." He whispered as she closed her eyes and cried. She knew things were rocky with her and Elvis when the scandal got out that he was caught kissing some girl, but she knew he'd never treat her like his, "Anthony, please."

"You refused to even thank me. If it wasn't for me, your film career would be nothing... Nothing!" He shouted again, making her feel small.

"Elvis... he..."

"He abandoned you, made you crawl back to me. That hillbilly couldn't treat you like me." he whispered in her ear, "He doesn't love you like me. He doesn't fuc-" He felt something wet on his face as he wiped his face. "Did you just fucking spit on me, you fucking bitch!" Anthony shouted as he smacked her body and fell to the hardwood floor, "I did..." She slowly got back up, laughed, and did it again, "You will never amount to Elvis." She felt the air in her lungs seize for a moment as he threw her against the wall. His fist drew back as she reached for a weapon. There was a silver candle stick that her brain could still register to her fingers to hold, 

"You're mine, you hear that, mine to use as I-"

BAM!

Cecelia trembled at what she had done. She checked to see if he was breathing, which he was, but she had never done anything like that. Cecelia was scared. But she was free, though she couldn't go home to her mother like this, with tattered clothes and bruises forming on her face and neck. She wanted to go. No need to go to Graceland.

Elvis was sitting at the table looking over the Newspaper. Cecelia and that jerk of a boyfriend of hers was the front news. Oh, how he missed her sweet voice in the morning, every day he wished. He'd make it right, but he couldn't get through or near her, "You know, I think he's abusin her."Gladys said as Elvis looked at his mother, 

"I mean, he's possessive over her."

"He should be." Elvis sighed,

"She's not herself. I saw her tonight and was practically squeezin her arm." Elvis looked at his mother. He didn't want to think that something bad was happening to her, but he also hoped they'd break up. He couldn't take this break any longer,

 "Fine, you want me to call 'er!"

"Please.." Elvis groaned as he called her mother's house. The line hung up, and he was giving up slowly, losing hope his angel would return until he heard something at the front door. Looking out the window, Elvis saw that familiar pink Ford. Opening the door, he ran to Cecelia as she ran toward him, limping, "CECE!" he shouted as she stopped and froze. Elvis noticed as he took in every detail. Cecelia tried to walk to him as the rush of adrenaline wore off, and she was now over. Her body lay there on the ground as Elvis picked her up and carried her to the couch.

 "Mama, she's hurt real bad!" Gladys ran in. There were bruises on her cheek and neck and some older ones on her thighs, 

"My lord... I'll call a doctor. You get your bedroom ready."

"My..."

"Go!"

Elvis's blood was boiling. How dare that bastard touch her that way. She deserved love and care and peace, things he knew he could give her, 

"And one more thing..."

"Yes..."

"Fix it..." 

Cecelia was now in bed, wearing a nightgown. She'd been patched up and resting except for the occasional twisting and turning.

 "No...no stop it... no... let me go. STOP IT!" She screamed, jolting up in his bed in a cold sweat, tears down her cheek. She was disoriented for a bit until she looked around, 

"Elvis, stay back!"

"I won't hurt you, honey..." He said, getting closer to

"But I might..." she turned away from him, 

"What do you mean?" He asked,

"I-I hit him with a candle stick..." She mumbled as Elvis was shocked, 

"Is he alive..." 

"Yes..." Her hands were shaking. She was truly scared at what had happened, "May I..." he asked as she nodded, Elvis held her hands as he got closer, watching her flinch again as he kissed her palms. 

"Cece..."

"I'm unloveable, aren't I..."

"What?" 

"I'm broken goods..." she began to cry, "You don't want me!"

"Cecelia, that ain't true! I don't know what he did your head in with, but I love you. This break thang is killin me!" He admitted, 

"You still love me..." avoiding eye contact,

"With my soul." He pulled her close to him as he kissed her tear-stained cheeks, 

"Then Elvis..."

"Yeah, Honey..."

"Can you promise to make love to me until I'm me again..." she asked as Elvis kissed her. His lips felt like the way summer rain felt on one's skin, like a winter sunset, 

"I promise to love you at your worst and your best," He held her close,

"Promise.."

"Cross my heart and pray I die." He smiled, kissing down her neck. He wanted to kiss every part of her. What was told to her wasn't pretty, 

"Don't kiss me there..."

"And Why not..."

"He said my nose wasn't flattering..." Elvis peppered her face with kisses as she began to giggle, "Your nose is perfect, an your eyes and that little mole on your cheek an... your lips an dimples." He then moved back to her collarbone as she took in a deep breath, Elvis removed the straps off her shoulder as the dress came down towards her breast,

"Don't tell me, he hated these too..."

"Well... they could've been bigger." Elvis rolled his eyes as he kissed down her breast, trading between her nipples, his teeth pulling gently at the sensitive buds. Her eyes closed as her body arched from the sensation, "El~" She moaned. As his blue eyes looked up at her,

"Hmm..." He hummed, hearing her gasp,

"I missed!" She felt him kiss down her stomach, then lower to her thighs and suddenly her clit, his plump, plush lips wrapped around the bud of nerves, gently nibbling at it as her breath turned into needy mewls, "Eh Hel VIS!" her body shuttered as she pulled at his hair gently when he was finished getting her worked up he moved down to her wet folds taking her slick on his fingers and licking it, 

"You don't have to..."

"Don't tell me he didn't even..."

"Not once..." Cecelia said, embarrassed as Elvis's tongue lapped at the waterfall of juices emerging from the cavern that he missed. Oh, so much. He devoured her and took in her sweet nectar as Elvis heard her moan, adding a few fingers to make her crazy. She had definitely been neglected by that other guy. And he wanted to make her remember what love truly felt like.

"ELVIS~ ELVIS~ AH AH AH!"

"Want me to continue?" He asked her as she got shy on him, "We can stop anytime if you feel uncomfortable." 

"What about you..." Cecelia asked,

"What about me?" He laughed, "Tonight is all about you,"

"But..."

"I get my pleasure from seein you happy darlin." He kissed up her thigh as her breathing was shallow,

"I'd like more, please..." She asked as he slid out of his Pajama pants, pumping himself a bit to get himself nice, and ready for her,

 "Baby, if-"

"Please..." She kissed him, and Elvis inserted his cock inside her. She was holding his hand, readjusting to his size. When Cecelia looked up at him, she couldn't help but laugh at the face he was making, "Elvis!" she chuckled as he looked at her, that laughter, that sweet sound he wanted to her, 

"Hmm, what's funny."

"Your face."

"What face?" He did it again as she laughed harder, 

"You tease." She said as he moved a little, a soft moan leaving her lips, 

"C-Can we go slow... Tonight."

"I'm not in no rush, doll." He kissed her face again, his hips thrusting into her powerfully but slowly. Her eyes were locked on his as he cradled her face. She felt like a virgin again.

 "That feels good, sugar?"

"Mhmm," She moaned as he was brushed up against her spot, he couldn't help but pick up his pace the closer that he was getting, 

"Shit... You feel so good..." He groaned. Cecelia began to moan louder. Her legs were shaking, and her orgasm was washing over her. Elvis could feel that coil in his stomach snap as he kept thrusting. He nearly stopped himself halfway as he looked at Cecelia, 

"Mark me as yours..."

"Cece, you sure.."

"I want you to finish inside me..." Once she said those words, she felt his warm seed release inside her. Sweat covered their body as they lay there in each other's arms, 

"I'll clean you off."

"Stay..." she said, Elvis didn't move as he held her close to him.

"Can I ask you something?" Elvis asked, pulling out of her as she turned to face him, 

"Hmm, of course..."

"Did you love him?"

"No... I was so heartbroken with us being split up...I" she cried into his chest, "Shush shush it's ok, we're together you're safe, he can't hurt you no more." Elvis kissed her forehead, Cecelia snuggled up to him,

 "Can I ask you a question..." Cecelia asked,

"Of course..."

"What are we?"

"Together again." He tickled her as she laughed, the two under the covers having a tickle fight that turned into a pillow fight,

"If you two are done makin me some grandbabies, then I suggest you two quiet down so I can sleep!"Gladys shouted from behind the door. Elvis and Cecelia were flustered as they laughed harder, 

[tricornonthecob]

I started this a month ago lol

LK 121: Symbolic Sluttington

(pt1)(pt2)(pt3)(pt4)

Is she wearing an army ranger hat?

oh my GOD again with the yankity reins.

y'all are late to the party!

Do you think he has latent PTSD from his house burning or do you think he was too young for any lingering trauma from that.

Patriot residents of Danbury: so... uh... whatcha doin with your chimney there, bud?

tory residents: NOTHING.

This man is carrying torches like a dad carries cotton candy at the state fair.

oh dammit she hasn't figured out he's a creep

Well, maybe she's starting to

I mean, valid strategy.

"They can't destroy our FREEDUM."

Boy shouldn't you have done that earlier.

I like to think I'm funny.

oh my god its the Hillbilly Twink!!! Didn't that guy want to beat the shit out of Sarah like fifteen episodes ago?

Holy fuck look at this man's chin jesus fucking christ I was not prepared for Weapons-Grade Hapsburg over here.

How long has this girl been awake and tailing? She's gotta be the second-best field agent in this outfit.

SPOILER ALERT:

awwww he got another attaboy from a Dad Figure!

why is his mouth so bi-OH MY GOD HE'S DAN HALEN

HE EVEN SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE DAN HALEN

yoooo the Sluttington sisters are packin ' heat

THE SLUTTINGTONS WISH A LOBSTER WOULD.

yeah 'cuz he can't very well run from 20 gotdamn muskets.

I'm not going to dignify the following scene with any commentary, just know the NOTP is cringe and stirring up the selfsame rage that having to endure Terra/Beast Boy canon instilled in me nearly 18 years ago.

Moses looks concerned, THANK YOU Moses.

Good lord this is so ripe for awful terrible Dad Issues.

Moses ships it and would much rather see this happen. Thank you, Moses. We're gonna end it on this note.

[wild-grinders]

do you have any headcanons for goggles, jack knife or emo crys? im curious to hear about them!

all 3 characters hgrhrheggrgegegrhr gonna try (this is in the style of ye olde fandom and not like reader blogs)

Goggles

engineering science major (hes not a biologist, he doesnt mess around in chemicals), but boy loves complex math and building things that he's more of an engineering sciences

gay because he engages in anime, comics, and hes even touched fandom because hes's a real fan nerd (he learned that gay ships were a thing and it clicked for him why he wasnt interest in girls)

has a lot more money than you think, but he doesnt really boast about being rich (most of that money is always going into new materials for his family to upkeep the hyperfixations they have) and his actual house is like full minimalist modernism in canon

avid fan of hot cocoa + mini marshmallows (literally from one episode, but it's in my brain forever)

last member to meet the wild grinders, aside from Flip (this was the original intention back in the Ketterville canon but has been reworked to him being Lil' Rob's first friend for the Sprawl City today)

Jack Knife (theres a ton of info on his canon life, but thats another post for another day)

oppossum hugger, he will try to befriend any wildlife that visits his home, will even try to bring said animal to let his friends see

in Ketterville canon, hes actually homeless and his family moves around a lot and hinted that he could live in trailer parks, but personally like to think he has family all over the states and they welcome his family to stay from time to time, he currently stays in one place (his grandmas house) to be near his friends while his family decides to travel for the circus

the most failgirl of failgirls, but is actually a badass when it comes to knives and is skilled at tasks like wood carving and axe-throwing but will set the kitchen on fire he made lemonade

hes not at all a redneck or the american hillbilly stereotype that the Sprawl City canon makes him out to be, he's more of an Oregon lumberjack local whos a little confused, but he does his best to understand others

would cut tires though

he has one berserk button and it's extremely rare to see him angry, but when he is, he will not hesitate to fuck anyone up

but seriously hes the kindest character ever and doesnt care if anyone insults or smacks him around, but he DOES care when you hurt anyone he cares about

100% taurus

Emo Crys (this is my kin, not like a kinnie-way, but more of a 'thats my son!!' way)

failgirl #2, but hes living his best life being cringe and actually giving a fuck about others

in Ketterville canon, he used to just be straight up 'peace was never an option', but he mellowed out after meeting Lil' Rob and learned to not be snarky and sarcastic

the sprawl city canon wants him to be a brony, but really he loves a lot of animals and cares for all of them (but hed suck as a science major to be involved in animal care profession)

doesnt have a good relationship in his family and often sneaks off to be part of the wild grinders shenanigans (it's the reason why we cannot have him wear nail polish) he's doing his best to pass as a goth in his family situation

loves horror and monsters, would happily invite himself in the woods where Mothman is and walk outside at ungodly hours just to meet a cryptid or ghost

thrifts all of his clothes because hes sick of fast fashion and would rather tailor them to his style

scarf was given to him by Lil' Rob as a way of welcoming him to Ketterville (not even canon to the series, but Rob Dyrdek demanded hed have a cute gray scarf and even presented a gray scarf to Chris, the inspiration behind Emo).

secretly loves cats (and constantly gets scratched by the said stray cats)

[snobgoblin]

ok I wanna talk about the cave a little bit

so these are the characters pictured above are the Monk, the Adventurer, the Hillbilly, the Scientist, the Twins, the Knight, and the Time Traveler

this won't be a smart analysis or anything just basically reminiscing over things I remember about the game

ok so my favorite characters were always the Hillbilly, Time Traveler, and Twins- and actually I didn't remember the Monk AT ALL. like I could've sworn he wasn't in the wii u version but he was. I'm assuming either his route was so easy I don't remember it or so hard I never finished it but in any case I don't think I played as him much. I don't remember the scientists route either I never really liked her. BUT I DO REMEMBER THE ADVENTURERS ROUTE BECAUSE IT TOOK ME DAYS TO SOLVE A SINGULAR PUZZLE IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING her level is very very hard. so is the Time Traveler's but at least hers is actually fun and has a change of scenery, the Adventurer's just has you stuck in a pyramid the whole time 😭

anyway as for the knight I actually don't really remember his route that much either, I think there was a princess who was really bratty and I think he fought a dragon. idk I just know his ability was that he was immune to fire

ok yeah I don't remember most of their abilities so I won't elaborate on them but I WILL elaborate on my favorites aka the ones I actually remember because I care about them

ALSO SIDE NOTE but the cave himself is a really good character- man all the characters with voice lines are just so damn funny but him especially he's just an asshole tutorial guy

ANYWAY the Hillbilly's ability is that he can hold his breath for a long time

and why these abilities are important is because, you choose three characters every game to play as and depending on the combination you may be able to unlock secret things for each route. for instance I think I remember a part in the Knight's route where only the Hillbilly can access a part of the cave because he's the only one who can hold his breath that long, stuff like that you know. it's a very puzzle driven game and your character choice really matters a lot. anyway the Hillbilly's story is I think he was working at the carnival, he wanted to impress this girl, but she was mean to him, so he burned the whole carnival down with him in it

OH YEAH did I mention all the characters are dead. yes the cave is their journey to the afterlife and them making peace with all the wrongs they did in their life, and they all have wrongs. for instance, the Twins killed their parents because they were tired of being told what to do (they had very loving parents...) and it is implied that the Twins ended up dying on the streets because of this. their story takes place in Victorian times and basically the whole puzzle is just fix the house a little so you can put rat poison in the soup WAIT NO I JUST REMEMBERED they didn't die on the street- the narrator said "they would find their life would be a whole lot harder from this point on" but they didn't actually get to see that, one of the unlockable things is photos and you see that they actually died with their parents bc they ate the soup too, the picture has the caption "a family that dines together, dies together"

ANYWAY enough about them I wanna talk about the Time Traveler now she's awesome so basically, she wants to be employee of the month, but this rich asshole who's family has been ceo since the beginning of time won't let her be. so she goes rogue and to prevent the capitalist dystopia she lives in, she goes back in time to kill his very first ancestor before he can invent the wheel. I actually don't remember how that one ends but I don't think it was good. I think she ended up killing a lot of people indirectly or something bc their ancestor was gone. lemme look it up actually this is gonna bother me. oh also before I do I wanna say her power is she can phase through rocks, basically she can teleport also she floats everywhere but can't fly but it's still awesome. but yeah her level was hard because you had to alternate between the past present and future to solve the puzzle, like leaving a rock in a certain place in dino times so that a well forms in the present so that a bucket is left in the future, stuff like that

AWWWW OK so I looked it up and her gallery photos aren't in the same place so it's hard to say for sure but based on her pictures, when she was alive she had second thoughts and did not end up killing the ancestor, and instead congratulated the asshole on being employee of all time. in the cave though, she was able to live out her fantasy of killing him

so yeah I think that's all I have to say right now... gotta be one of my favorite games of all time I should play it again soon

[thedreamydemon]

pt. 3 (i hate calling these pt.s, whatev)

Ok posting more already. Hillbilly romance

Johnny Knoxville x fem!reader

Johnny followed you out to the shed where you kept your still. It was hot and musty inside, and smelled like yeast and acetone. You squatted to grab a jar from your latest batch. You handed it to Johnny, “try some.”

Johnny unscrewed the lid and took a whiff. His face scrunched up when the potent aroma hit his nostrils. Then he took a sip and his face scrunched up more. “Whoo! Yeah. That’ll get ya lit up quick.”

You laughed and stood up, toe-to-toe with Johnny. The shed was small and it forced the two of you into close proximity. The cicadas were buzzing especially loud. “Lemme have some. I haven’t tried it yet.”

“Careful, sweetheart. Its stronger than the last batch, I think.” Johnny commented and he handed you the jar of clear alcohol. You took a sip and your face scrunched up more than Johnny’s did. The moonshine felt like fire down your throat.

“Ack!” You shook your head as you screwed the lid back on. “You’re right.”

“Thats a good thing though.” Johnny assured. “You know that’s how those hillbillies like it.”

“I know.” You agreed. “You can take that whole crate if you want.”

“Alright.” Johnny picked the crate of moonshine jars off the floor and carried it back to your house. It was too damn hot outside.

You leaned against the wall and watched Johnny set the crate on the kitchen table. Johnny looked up at you with his almost black eyes. Those cicadas were buzzing really loudly today.

“How come Bam doesn’t live with you?” Johnny asked suddenly.

Your face flushed. You would blame that on the heat. “What?” You looked at your feet. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t want someone living with me and trying to change the way I live, and-“ you looked up and Johnny was in front of you. The toes of his shoes touched the toes of your shoes.

“You’re too pretty to live out here by yourself,” Johnny placed a hand on the paneled wall beside your head. You could feel his body heat and smell his scent. His half-lidded eyes bored into you. “It’s dangerous.”

“Johnny.” You groaned in annoyance, eyes unable to meet his. He’s never commented on your appearance before. “I have my guns and my dog. I’m ok.”

“It’s still too dangerous,” Johnny touched your shoulder with his rough hand which ran down the length of your arm and gripped your wrist. The air was as warm as an oven, but your skin sprouted goosebumps. His other hand grabbed your other wrist, and pinned it to the wall. You let him.

“Johnny,” your tone was more scolding now.

“You’re gonna end up hurt,” Johnny’s head tilted and his lips ghosted along your jawline. Your breath hitched. He wanted to kiss you so fucking bad. “You’re the prettiest girl for miles. And there’s lots of lonely guys around…” his voice trailed off, and he forced his thigh between your legs, purposefully rubbing against your crotch. “I can’t say I haven’t thought about it, sweetheart.”

“Johnny!” You yelled at him this time and pushed him off. “Why are you being so fucking weird?”

Johnny looked offended but not entirely surprised. He backed off. “I’m sorry. I just-.” Now he was the one unable to look at you. The painting of a pond on the other wall was much more interesting for him. “I just worry about you.”

“You don’t need to worry.” You huffed. You stomped over to the couch, and Candy hopped in your lap. “Get outta here, Johnny. Bring me my half when you get it.” You were referring to your half of the money from the moonshine.

Johnny left, taking the crate of moonshine with him. He felt like a dog that had just been swatted on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. His Eldorado engine fired, the sound of it faded as he went up the mountain.