#giffing this dealt me physical pain they are literally so in love it hurts

[me-sploh-rada-imas]

world's most self indulgent jance gifset

[catty-words]

on the school dance fallout or, a thorough examination of the boys’ apologies to julie

full disclosure, i used to take serious issue with 1.06 for what it did to julie’s righteous anger in light of the boys letting her down, and my gripes haven’t fully gone away. but i have spent some time thinking on the fallout since my first (several) viewing(s) of the show and i finally noticed some emotionally nuanced storytelling that i needed time to come to appreciate. so, if you’ll indulge me another gif-filled meta post...

everyone knows that a good apology demonstrates an understanding of how you wronged the person you’re apologizing to, otherwise the words i’m sorry end up being fairly empty. and luckily for the boys, julie does a good job of immediately and effectively communicating her hurt feelings:

the first part is directed at luke specifically as her main co-writer, while the rest is about how all three of them let her down. it couldn’t be more clear that the reason she’s so betrayed is that a) they’ve made her feel like julie and the phantoms is less important to them than sunset curve and b) they’ve failed to consider her point of view or empathize with how important the show was to her.

which is why singing sorry a bunch of times, though charming, leaves her unmoved. and it’s why booking another gig actually makes her angrier. a gig the boys have deemed important enough to show up for is not a present or an olive branch to her, it’s a slap in the face. and if the boys had actually been paying attention to what she’d said the night of the dance, they could have anticipated her reaction.

but they clearly haven’t listened, so they haven’t learned how to do better or make things right. which is why this is such an important beat in the scene in the studio:

hounding julie to rejoin the band, even with such nice sentiments as “you’re the best thing that’s happened to us since we became ghosts”, does nothing to address how undervalued julie feels getting stood up because, as she points out above, their ability to do what they love is very limited without her. that makes her a powerful and essential member of the band, but it doesn’t prove that they care about her, julie, the person. and you can see in the reaction shot how the truth of her words lands for all of them.

their remorseful silence gives julie the opportunity to reiterate one of the points she made the night before, and it’s important to note which part of her hurt feelings she chooses to revisit.

the fact that they made the choice to pay more attention to their old music in spite of the music they were creating together is the thing that hurt her feelings the most. and, of course, her open hostility and her imagined reasons for why the boys picked sunset curve over julie and the phantoms (i.e. selfishness) puts luke on the defensive and ends with everyone leaving the scene dissatisfied.

great! okay, so here’s the part that’s bugged in the past (and the present, just. a little less so.) — in their attempt to deescalate the situation, alex and reggie give julie, and the audience, the all-important luke backstory. but like asking julie to rejoin the band with a shinier gig than a school dance flies in the face of actually making amends, so, too, does asking julie to empathize with luke’s emotional journey when the boys failed to take julie’s into account when they hurt her. only this time, it works as an olive branch.

now, i’m not saying that julie’s acting out of character in being sympathetic to luke’s pain, quite the opposite is the case. and i’m also not saying it’s bad that she does find sympathy for his situation — again, i’d argue that the opposite is true. it’s just, at the same time, it’s not a good look to force aside the young woman of color’s hurt in service of the white dude who hurt her feelings in the first place’s tragic backstory. the narrative is asking julie not to be mad at the choices luke made in the past two episodes because he’s really sad, actually.

and sure that’s an ungracious read of the moment, but i stand by the fact that it’s present in the text of the episode all the same, even with a little more nuance than i’m currently giving it credit for.

all that being said, alex and reggie do a bit to win back this highly insensitive maneuver with another stab at an apology.

alex addresses julie’s comment about them knowing “how tough it’s been for her to play” by reiterating that not showing up let her down and they get that that’s a crappy way to feel, while reggie takes a crack at julie’s “our songs were good” by emphasizing that they all love being in a band and making music with her. it’s a slight step up from their sorry in the garage, but not a complete fix because they’re all still sitting with the fact that they need julie to make the most of their music and how that complicates their declarations of loyalty.

the thing that makes this attempt at reconciliation different than those prior, of course, is this line:

the acknowledgement that things haven’t been fixed + the politeness + the implication that they’re willing to put in the time to earn her trust back so long as she lets them makes the apology a good enough one to accept. well, that, and:

one gets the sense that if rose could actually speak to julie in that moment, she’d be reminding her the value of grace. and, of course, we know that this also serves as a reminder to julie that good things are fleeting, loss is around every corner, and holding close what you care about is important. so she does just that by letting go of her (righteous, righteous) anger and reuniting the band.

still, even though alex and reggie have had their chance to make amends, luke doesn’t get the same moment to show he’s actually paid attention to julie’s needs in 1.06. so, naturally, he starts immediately in their first scene together in 1.07. 

i mentioned in my exhaustive list for “finally free” that julie picking a sunset curve song for their reunion number is a lovely, understated way for her acknowledge luke’s lost musical legacy, and i have similar feelings about the fact that luke suggests “edge of great” for their follow-up gig. it’s his first step in proving to her that he does care about the music they’ve written together with actions instead of empty apologies and misguided gestures.

by the end of the episode, though, the three of them take a step back (reggie gets points for his being, like, half a step) when they learn that, in addition to letting down julie, one of the consequences of their night chasing revenge is a ticking clock on their existence.

though i understand the urge to protect julie from the alarming news that their power is going out, there’s also a lot of selfishness behind the decision. julie loses them in the end no matter what, but lying to her about it and planning to leave without an explanation shows a disregard for her emotional journey in a similar way standing her up did. in fact, this plan is basically to stand her up for eternity. not cool, guys.

naturally, since it’s luke who’s the one proposing the terrible plan and it’s luke who never officially demonstrated his understanding of how he hurt julie’s feelings by not showing up when it mattered, it’s fitting that he’s suddenly more in tune with his own feelings. and, with that, comes a new awareness of how his and julie’s feelings interact, starting with this moment in 1.08.

you can see his conflict over her declaration. she’s worried without knowing just how much there is to be worried about, and that makes him sad because it’s confirmation of the fact that he’s important to her. that losing him will mean a lot of pain for her. but instead of cluing her in, he makes a conscious choice to continue withholding the information of his imminent departure. and maybe it’s such a weak deflection because he’s already starting to come to terms with how unfair he’s being to her, but even so, he’s not being a good friend when julie is showing up for him in big, unexpected ways he’d never even thought to ask for.

and again, here — 

— just after they’ve acknowledged that there’s a something and not a nothing between them, you can see him sober with the thought that she doesn’t know they’re about to lose each other. but it’s still not enough to move him to share. maybe because he prefers that she live with the possibility of that something when he no longer can, maybe because he’s too caught up in his own feelings about how crappy this hand they’ve been dealt by the universe is. but in any case, he keeps tight-lipped.

UNTIL.

it’s seeing her excited about a future their music can’t have that finally pushes him into coming clean. and i love how subtly this demonstrates that he has been paying attention, actually, and he knows that what hurt julie the most was the feeling that their music took a backseat to his past. if he crosses over without telling her the whole, ugly truth about the mistake he made by standing her up, then he crosses over stuck in that mistake. because part of that whole, ugly truth is the beautiful realization that no music is worth making, julie, if we’re not making it with you. and he’s not quite at that particular aspect of his truth yet — he still has to experience the what if of caleb’s club to be able to make the declaration with the conviction he does — but when he finally does tell her that and means it, she’s given the catharsis she’s needed since the dance. because he’s backing up his apology with action (i.e. being willing to literally no longer exist instead of making music with someone else) and providing her with the same consideration she showed him when she rejoined the band because his loss felt more important than her anger. and reaching that level of give and take in their relationship, physically represented in their hug, finally sets them free.

so, yes. even though 1.06 is clunky and a little tasteless at times, i can acknowledge that the story manages to win any missteps back. quite poetically, honestly. all’s forgiven.

[doyelikehaggis]

10 Favourite Female Characters From 10 Different Fandoms

(List your 10 favorite female characters from 10 fandoms, then tag 10 people)

Thank you so much for the tag @a-lil-bi-furious !! ❤️

1. Malia Tate from Teen Wolf

Starting off strong — literally, she has the strength of, like, a bear and the temper of one! My angry girl!! I just loved her from the very first second we were introduced to her after turning back. She went through so much, and it clearly had a big impact on her, and we got to see her grow through most of it (but not all of it because the writers suck a bit) and work to become a pack member instead of the lone coyote she had gotten used to being. Also, she insanely pretty and cute so she’s allowed to growl at people every so often!

2. Liv Parker from The Vampire Diaries

My angry and extra sassy girl — witch edition! There’s just something about her that I love. I really understand Tyler; she could insult me and blast me across a room with magic and I would fall in love with her. But we know that a lot of her mean-girl attitude comes from her family issues, and it’s more of a defense mechanism than anything. So, it was nice to see a softer side of her around both Luke and Tyler — and Jo, on occasion. She knew she was the “weaker” twin and as much as the thought of dying scared her, she still stood strong and tried to find a way to save Luke from having to live with that guilt by finding another way — just as she saved Tyler from triggering his curse by killing someone (who was already dying because of him) for him. And then in the end, knowing she was going to die anyway, she saved him again. She deserved a way better ending and more of a chance to grow since we definitely were not done with her story, so I will be forever bitter but I love and appreciate the time we had her for!

3. Hope Mikaelson from Legacies

Is it cheating if they’re from the same universe but not the same show? I just love this little Tribrid so much. She’s gone through a lot her entire life — literally, she had people trying to kill her before she was even born. She lost her mum, and then her dad, and her uncle. Not to mention the, uh, killing a bunch of people in between and also finding out your first boyfriend helped kidnapped your mum in a plot to kill her and you (that he didn’t know about, given, but still). And having virtually no friends at school. But she still tried to be so strong all the time, to a point where she really should let more people in it and see that soft, vulnerable part that’s still in there. Her anger is justified, and sometimes out of her control due to her family, and I wish they’d let her get real help for it. She shouldn’t have to be the “hero” or the “saviour” all the time and I wish they would just cut her a break, let her rest, and have a moment of happiness that doesn’t end with her feeling like she didn’t deserve it.

4. Wanda Maximoff from MCU

(First of all, you don’t know how painful it was having to wade through a bunch of Pietro gifs in the process of finding this one.) The version of Wanda in the MCU is very... complex. Obviously there’s a lot of issues With the character, but if I’m focusing solely on who she is in the MCU, then I love her so much. And she definitely has some issues in her life. She starts off as the bad guy, angry and seeking “justice” (and revenge) for what happened to her parents, and in the same movie, we see her realize that the side she was working for wasn’t any better. We see her character develop quite a bit in just her first movie, and then over the course of the next ones, we see more sides to her; her guilt over hurting innocent people through a quickly-made decision, her compassion for Vision and for those other people, her grief over losing Pietro and Vision. And she herself is so powerful! She tries to live with the pain she’s endured but it takes over without her control, because both her grief and her magic are all-consuming. And I add this because I still refuse WandaVision’s change to the timeline: she went through all of this before she was eighteen. She’s so young, and in pain, but she still tries so hard to push through because other people need her, and she doesn’t want them to suffer like she has. Also, I just think it’s pretty when she does those little hand movements to possess people and her eyes turn red.

5. Nymphadora Tonks from Harry Potter

She deserved the absolute world. Her death was unnecessary, and I hate it, because she should have gotten to live the rest of her life raising her son, happy with her husband, and just generally being alive. She was so full of life and joy, and she tried to be the source of those things in the middle of a literal war when everyone was at their lowest and felt hopeless or angry. Also would’ve loved more scenes of her and her favourite cousin, Sirius, because they would be chaotic and they both deserved that. ALSO also, she’s very pretty, can change her appearance and chose to have pink/purple hair and dresses like how tiny me wanted to dress, so I immediately fell in love, of course.

6. Kara Danvers from Supergirl

She’s just so kind and compassionate despite everything the world has put her through — but she’s also angry deep down, and she’s hurt and in pain, and some of my favourite moments of hers are when she’s allowed to express that. When she’s allowed to really just lose it and lash out at the people who hurt her because she pushes it down for so long so that she can help everyone else that it finally just explodes.

7. Jody Jackson from The Dumping Ground

TW: mentions of different forms of child abuse. This girl deserves the whole world but I promise you that the world does not deserve her. The same can be said for pretty much all of the characters in The Dumping Ground, to be honest, but god she has just been through so much. Neglected by her mum from a very young age, abused physically and verbally by her and (presumably) both of her brothers, and it’s implied she’s abused sexually by one of her brothers as well. Of course when we first meet her she is angry and terrified. She still is because the trauma developed and was never fully dealt with, so she still carries it all around in her mouth and fists, until one little thing happens to make her lash out. And she knows she has a problem — she is terrified of becoming her brother, and sometimes her mum, and all she wants is to not hurt the people she loves. Because she loves so much, it’s just hard for her to know how to show it sometimes because sometimes all she can remember is how her family “loved” her. But she’s grown so much since she went into care and she’s getting help at last, and I just have so much hope for her happiness in the next series to come.

8. Annie Marks from Good Girls

She’s short, fiesty, will make jokes at the worst possible time, won’t stop calling a literal gang leader who has threatened her life on more than one occasion “gang friend”, was incredibly supportive and accepting of her son when he came out as trans, will punch someone when necessary (probably also when not), has a semi-friendly co-parenting thing going on with her ex, and is just all around adorably ridiculous.

9. Casey McDonald from Life With Derek

Ignoring Derek in the gif — Casey usually does, too. Casey is a perfectionist, and frankly, sometimes quite annoying about it and some other things, and yes, she definitey initiates a lot of the arguments between her and Derek. And that is why I love her. She is in no way perfect, and her striving to be comes from anxiety and insecurities that are partially the result of the instability in her life. I love how, no matter how much she may despise Derek, when there’s a real problem, she tries to help. She cares about the people in her life, and I can’t wait for her to return to as a mum of four!

10. Ashley Garcia from The Expanding Universe of Ashley Garcia

Someone give the world TO her, please?? It’s a shame this fandom is so small because she deserves so much love and appreciation. She’s a literal genius but lacks... a lot of social skills at the start of the show. But she learns from her friends, and gets to experience new things, including having a crush for the time (and the second!) and she’s just generally living life as a fairly normal teenager. While still being an absolute genius. I just love this smiley little dork so much!

Tagging: @pad-foots @donnas-troia @childofsquidward @multifandomlover121 @superarrowverse @dance-is-life27 to participate if you want to, but as always, no pressure! And anyone who wants to do this but wasn’t tagged — you have been now! Go do it!

[theydidbendirty]

TROS feelings... so many feelings

Hi. I never post because I’m shy but after Thursday night I just need to express myself. Since Reylo communities in general have been a haven for me since 2015 I hope that this will be welcomed here.

This is post with spoilers so....

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When I first left the movie I was happy with everything save the last 20ish minutes or so.

I’ve changed my mind. And not because I have read anything. In fact, quite the opposite. I can’t read anything. I can’t listen to anything. I can’t see pictures or look at gifs. I tried to read some fix it fanfiction and couldn’t make it more than a couple paragraphs. TROS has depressed me to a point where I can’t consume Star Wars the way I always have. It hurts me now. I could forgive the plot holes. I could forgive the exchange of characters for aliens. I could forgive the forced banter. I could forgive the lack of feeling in most of the movie because the spectacle of it all entertained me. But when Ben dies... nothing mattered anymore. It was such a deep feeling I actually went numb during it. Full day to process the pain it caused me. It wasn’t just losing my one of my two favorite characters. I have lost characters in movies and TV before and dealt with it. I can often find a bit of pleasure in the sadness but not in this.

My sweet broken boy, everyone in your life failed you and yet you still had so much love in you. To know joy and peace and acceptance for a split second before your life was needlessly ended.

My strong clever girl. You found home and you found a belonging in him. His story was the same as yours. His struggles the same. You literally shared a soul, two parts of one whole, and he came back for you, not just physically but he fought tooth and nail to change everything about himself to be worthy of you. You knew love and home and for one fleeting moment your soul was complete before it was torn from you.

Star Wars was a constant in my life. It’s the only movie I remember quoting with my dad. To this day, it’s the one thing I have in common with my brother, the only thing we have to talk about. TROS has warped how I feel about Star Wars as a whole and stolen that from me. “It’s just a movie” Not to me. To me it was a bridge between worlds, a much coveted reminder of positive memories where there are few. To me it was a common space where I could talk to my estranged brother or to transcend my social anxieties and introversion.

Death isn’t the only road to redemption. Sacrifice isn’t the only way to prove love. Real life can be unforgiving and unfair but the power of fiction is it doesn’t have to be. In fiction we find escape, we can decide to represent the best case scenarios, the best in people, the best outcome. We can learn to hope for something better even if the world around us tries to squash any feeling of happiness and hope. This was Star Wars, a franchised marketed on hope and the final installment left me feeling hopeless.

Ben deserved better. Rey deserved better. Intelligent movie fans deserved better.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhea.

[smolbeandrabbles]

Gratitude: I Do Now - Orson Krennic x Reader (Rogue One)

Authors Note: ...Yeah, that GIF will do! Okay, so this one went through the works for reasons that don’t even matter anymore, and I wrote it anyway. Due to the nature of the original anon request our reader here is definitely gender neutral. This Is The First Thing - You Me At Six  / I Do Now - Brad Paisley Disclaimer: I own nothing but did write all the words. Premise: Relationship problems weren’t unusual, but this scenario is completely new to him. Trying to think on the good vs the bad, Krennic realises he’s got a lot to be grateful for... Words: 1811 Warnings: drinking  

_______ This is the first thing I thought This is the last thing that I want You were the first one I loved You were the first love I lost

You left it too late To change the way I think I'll never say never again Those words will never ever pass my lips --- I never knew how people wound up in a bar In the middle of the day Broken souls or broken lives From the choices that they made I didn't know how much I had to lose When I threw it all away But I do now, I do now Oh, I'd give anything If I could just go back in time somehow I wouldn't break your heart, I wouldn't break those vows ---

noun

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

I’ve never understood how people end up in a bar in the middle of the day...

Krennic watched the ring spin again; an endless loop of gold metal - the way even though he knew its size and shape it seemed to twist and break. Fitting for the situation, he thought and sighed. It slowed, the loops changing from entwining into one, to the single gold frame that declined to balance on its edge and fell with a clear sound - refusing to give up for a few seconds more before lying still.

He took another sip of alcohol; the kick sending a shiver to his system that he liked as he picked the ring up between his fingers again, and with a delicate spin started the whole process again.

I do now...

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You. Not that he would ever do this to forget you. On the contrary the more he drunk the more you filled his head. A book full of life lessons - some of them hard - could be written on what had gone on between the two of you. You were everything he’d ever wanted. Both submissive to everything he said, and controlling when you wanted to be. You broke his heart as much as you made him love you - as much as you fuelled an obsession he couldn’t fight and didn’t ever want to stop. And he hurt you too, because he could. Because he got jealous, possessive… because sometimes he had a quest for revenge and took it too far.  One endless circle, like this ring.

 So why was he here? In a little bar on some planet he didn’t much care for, let alone remember the name of. And why was Krennic trying to think of things to be thankful for? Because he simply had a lot to be grateful for when it came to you. Because as much as you fought, and drove each other crazy, you loved each other. At least, he hoped you did. And when Krennic was like this he couldn’t stop thinking about you. He leant his head in his palm and spun the ring again; the sound of it scratching across the surface of the bar as it twirled in place likely driving the other patrons crazy, but he didn’t care. One more sip and the drink was done; but he didn’t pass his glass to the bartender, merely held it out as the liquid was replenished. 

Gratitude.

Hard to show. Even harder to feel? Even cursing your name Krennic didn’t feel like it was hard to feel. Because he felt he always went about showing it wrong. Every time you’d picked him back up after a hard day, or being shouted down, every time you’d stayed and listened to his ranting, every time you’d loved on him to make him feel better... or feel something... you’d taught him so much that he couldn’t even think right now about how innumerable this list actually was. The way you would kiss him exactly when and where he needed it without him even having to ask. And the way you never made him say thank you; because you knew he was...

Krennic never thought he’d be grateful for fighting with anyone before you either. Long, passionate arguments - that never got physical, but with the sharp, brutally painful blows you often dealt each other, it sure would feel like it. But he learned how to wait it out, how to say just the right snarky thing at just the right time. How he wouldn’t even need words, just exactly the right look and he could finish and argument and win it. And Stars, how he needed that at work.

You also had a habit of sharing information with him. Information that was so vitally important in your remit of work. Both of you were in intelligence, and in that crisp white uniform. Of course, that on occasion led to you both turning up to work in jackets a few sizes different to usual. But that didn’t often matter, because you got to be surrounded by each other all day.

The secrets that otherwise passed between the two of you were each other’s to keep. And as far as he knew you both did. And with some of the things that had passed between you, he was surprised. Staring at that ring hard as this time it refused to fall; as it stilled it remained upright - and he spun it again, recklessly, to make sure it fell. With what you knew you could tear him down brick by brick. And he knew he’d never get up again from that. Dead and buried - if not even literally.

 Krennic mused this for a long while; how his gratitude was boundless... but his words were not. How he would think saying something like that would show weakness. That would be exactly why he was where he was now. By design caring gave you a bonded strength. In numbers, even if his first thought would be he was better off alone. Perhaps not on the battle field; but secretly he would always hope to not see you there. Protecting you could come at too great a cost...

 As soon as he felt a presence in front of him, he placed his hand over the ring and slid it from the counter. You didn’t see that the action attempted to say - even if he’d been doing the same thing over and over for hours... He bit his lip gently, followed by a small tongue roll and his sorrowful blue eyes raised from the dark wood to your face. Your arms folded, even though you wore a frown your expression was intrigued. You nodded to the counter “Someone special?” “That would be of very little consequence to you...” “Better than me?” He almost smiled; “They’re alright, yeah.”

It was good enough for you, for now. “Seems like an awfully lonely place to find yourself, Director...” you looked around, a couple of people who looked like they belonged here sat at a table at the back. A few other patrons scattered made him 1 of 5; and the only one sitting at the bar. He rose from his seat, finishing the last of his glass; “Perhaps. That doesn’t make me any less deserving of it.” “I think you do yourself a disservice...” “As do I.” But those blue eyes were still staring at you, so he wasn’t talking about himself. He paid his tab without even attempting to find the bar tender again and walked slowly along the length of the bar. You fell instep - but that physical barrier between you felt like the one you were really both putting up. You supposed you both had your reasons. If the rules of the Empire weren’t reasons enough...

You slipped under the end of the bar as you both made for the exit, both in silence and with the lack of a physical barrier you still maintained the gap between you. There were things you wanted to say to him. That you thought would slip away forever if you didn’t tell him now. But you couldn’t; so maybe they would have to. He was like having a mentor - and in a game you were both playing he was the only person you could trust.  You had much to thank him for; as much as enough political backstabbing to actually want to run a dagger through him yourself. But you forgave him for that; because you got to watch him shine... and Orson Krennic was at his best when he was shining. (Without noting that you also got to pull all the strings here too...)

 Outside the sun was shining and you both had to shield your eyes against it from the dingy little bar you’d both just spent time in. You noticed the ring hadn’t quite made its way back to his finger yet. “I would advise against the Empire finding you day drinking... Director.” He huffed; “Am I supposed to be grateful you did?” You gave a shrug, he was still just as mad at you as he was himself. “Better me than Tarkin...” Orson scoffed and turned back around “I don’t have enough in my system for this.” “I just don’t want to see you in trouble.” He paused at the honesty and his eyes flicked to yours - with heartfelt clarity. He could be, and bring out, the best of times and worst of times. But it was a balance. And it worked out for the both of you; somehow. You cared. You did it because you cared. And that was as much his reasoning too... he just hoped you knew that.

Krennic looked back to the door and swallowed hard; you weren’t going to move; he knew you were waiting for him to make his decision. And he couldn’t let you watch him do this to himself. He sighed, defeated and took a step back. But it was only a step, and his head bowed and his eyes cast back to the floor. So now you would wait for him to move. Still downcast his eyes traced back to you; and somewhere he found the courage to actually say it. “Thank you.” Your eyes widened a little in shock; what for? Dragging him out of a bar?  “... for your love...” Oh. Surprising. “...it is... the best and worst thing that ever happened to me...”

His hand delved back into his pocket and the gold band glinted in the sunshine; “you give me so much to be grateful for... I can’t ever say it enough...” Orson slipped it back onto his left hand and rolled it thoughtfully between his fingers for a minute; “to the point where I think I just can’t say it...” he turned his body to you, and inclined his head; “So this might be that one time that I must.” His eyes met yours “I thank you...” but even yet, he turned away “but it may be a while before I am ready to return” his eyeline flicked over his shoulder; “enjoy your day, Y/N.”

And so you had to watch him walk away, with a smile and a shake of your head. You respected his feeling towards this enough not to follow. Thank you - it resounded in your head a couple of times. He said he didn’t say it enough. But he didn’t have to, because you knew. Of course you knew. It was always in his actions, always, even if he couldn’t see that. You turned to head in the opposite direction, with a quiet laugh to yourself. And in the same way he just had, you ran your thumb gently over the gold band that matched his;

No Orson, thank you. --- SIX Virtues down. SIX. Guys and Gals! We’re almost there!

2 Sins in the works...! @dennismitchell @wltz-bby @happyskywhale #MendoTagSquad. (With one changed username ;) )

[candidlycaro-blog]

Phoenix

Well, I haven’t been on Tumblr (besides a school project) since I was 15 years old. This used to be my place to vent, share my feelings, write creatively, and obviously post the impromptu emo-cutting GIF that this trash website used to be filled with nonstop. I’m just thankful that it’s popularity decreased and I was actually able to get this username? Kinda sick. You know what I mean.

SO-- what brings me back? There’s a lot of easy answers to this question and then I think there are deeper ones. The most obvious, glaring answer is that I got dumped last week. No, not the kind of dumped that makes me want to key his car (it’s a Honda, anyway) or punch him in the face, but the kind that makes you take a real big look at yourself on the inside. So I did that. I took everything that he said and I looked inside-- and for the first time in the entirety of our relationship I realized something. He was right. (If you’re reading this I promise this was a half-joke meant for dramatic effect, you deserve more credit where credit is due!)

But in all seriousness, I took a look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. I saw a girl so consumed by negativity, fixation, and obsession that she forgot how to be happy. I looked in the mirror and saw someone whose idea of self care was skipping a meal or putting off smoking weed until AFTER doing something that was much more important (no friends, I am not getting rid of weed. I should. But right now it makes me laugh when I want to cry so I think I’ll be sticking to it for a bit). 

Anyways, the point that I’m trying to make is that he really did me a favor. Not a favor as in like leaving me, in fact I’m pretty sure we’re on fine terms considering we almost broke his bed and my knee having sex the other day but I’m talking bigger picture. He actually cared about me enough to be like HEY FUCKER. YOU’RE NOT YOU ANYMORE. And for a bit I hated him for that-- I really did! I was like dude, fuck, two years of my life and you’re telling me this isn’t SERIOUS? But, when I realized he had signed up for something completely different it kind of clicked with me. He didn’t sign up for this or this version of myself, he signed up for the happy go-lucky Caro that lit up every room she walked into. Not to say that our SO’s shouldn’t be through thick and thin, but when thick becomes your entire lifestyle it’s different. And I got it. I seriously stood in front of my mirror this weekend, took a huge look, and was like well, fuck, who is this?

I don’t really know where she went, but I used to like actually enjoy life. I used to like doing activities, getting up early for workout classes (something I think I’d rather swallow literal shit for than do now), being incredibly kinky, cooking, taking my dog places-- I don’t know, point being, I was a person. Now all I seem to do is sit in my job from like 9:30 (fine, 10 if we’re being honest) to 7, maybe I have a good day if I’m lucky, I would leave, go to my (ex)boyfriends apartment and complain up the wazoo, smoke, sleep, and repeat. Is that ANY FUCKING WAY TO LIVE? I THINK NOT!

Like as much as what he said hurt me, he was completely right. Who the fuck was I? Why was I making both of us so unhappy and why couldn’t I at least see it? And I think the most hurtful question or the one that pains me the most rather is why did it take me so long to realize? Because it’s not like he never told me or gave me the chance to change, he really did. But I didn’t want to change and I wasn’t ready to. I was content being that type of person for some reason and didn’t really realize what was at stake.

And it wasn’t just the relationship that was at stake-- if it was then the whole point of this post or whatever would be so fucking dumb. I didn’t realize that MY LIFE WAS AT STAKE. I’m 22 why the FUCK am I hung up, sad, complaining nonstop, wasting my life smoking it away (once again, I love you weed but only in doses. Like crack!-- kidding. kind of) instead of having amazing sex with someone I was so infatuated by, getting in the best physical shape of my life (I was an exercise science major, after 25 shit goes DOWNHILL!), spending time with family friends and just enjoying. I actually started hating GOING OUT too which like if you know me you know I’m not a huge drinker but I always was down to go out and just like socialize? What happened to that? 

Bottom line: shits gotta change. And like I kind of wish it could be one of those self-discovery things where I’m like “what do I need to change? I’ll do it and find myself randomly in Thailand with the elephants, ah!”-- but I know exactly what I need to change. And I’ve made some INTENTIONS. 

1. Appreciation

Something me and my (ex)boyfriend agreed on heavily was that we took each other for granted. When we spent time together we’d just be there on our phones, not really appreciating and recognizing how lucky we both were to be in the presence of someone that loves you. That lack of appreciation turned into resentment, and I don’t want that to happen in any of my relationships-- family, friends, lovers, whatever. I won’t let that happen again. I want everyone in my life to know that I appreciate them, I want to be present with them. I don’t want to go on my phone when I’m at dinner with friends, I want to give my parents all the attention they deserve, and frankly I want everyone in my life to know they’re loved. Ex boyfriend included. 

2. Motivation

I don’t really know where this one went. When I was in kindergarten I remember kicking a middle schooler in the nuts simply because he told me I couldn’t go on the swing because I was a girl. My ultra feminist chic 5 year old self would kick ME in the VAGINA if she knew that I was acting like this. I am such a lucky, lucky girl with a loving family, friends, and more. I’m smart, I’m beautiful, I know my self-worth and most importantly-- I know that I can succeed anything I put my mind to. Why am I fucking afraid of yoga, or running, or failing. It’s time to get the fuck up and do it. Did I go to yoga today? Yes. Did I cry twice when Mac Miller came on in the middle? Also yes. But I WENT. And that’s better than the day before!

3. Calm

Everyone who knows me knows I live breathe shit anxiety. It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life and something I never really put in the effort to fix. Sure I’m on lexapro, I used to spoof my ex’s klonopon every once in a while and at one point I smuggled 100 xanax from Mexico. But like I’ve never gotten to the root of it. Yes, I know I have death-anxiety because my parents are literal dinosaurs. Yes, I know I’m insecure because my ADHD makes me seem annoying. I know all these things, and based off of all the psych classes I’ve taken in the past I could probably hit the nail on the head but I’m not a professional. It’s time to stop self-diagnosing, fixating, and get some damn help. Maybe if I wasn’t so stressed and pushed that stress onto everyone else everyone in my life would be happier? I know my ex definitely would be. 

 4. Work is what it is-- work. It’s not your life

As mentioned above, I live breathe and shit anxiety. I also live breathe and shit my job and it’s time for that to stop. I don’t give two shits anymore if I had a bad day, if someone’s trying to cause shit or my boss is a bitch. At the end of the day I’m there to get money? If the opportunity cost of my happiness versus my paycheck is at such a huge discrepancy it’s time to rethink careers. Not saying I’m quitting my job, but I need to learn to start leaving work at work. They don’t pay me after I go home so I shouldn’t think about it. Easier said than done but I need to work on it. 

5. Acceptance

Let’s be real-- I have an acceptance problem. I refused to accept it when my ex left me, I refused to accept it when my dad got sick (I actually fully never visited him in the hospital after he had a stroke which is one of my most embarrassing secrets. That one felt good to get out!), and sometimes I just blatantly refuse to accept things I can’t change. 

As my wise mother Charlene once said,

You can’t make someone call you back who doesn’t want to.

You can’t make someone love you who doesn’t. 

And most importantly, you can’t change what you can’t change. But what you can change is YOU. And that’s exactly what I intend to do. 

It’s been Day 1 of this journey, and it definitely wasn’t easy. I cried 6 times, ate two donuts, almost passed out in crescent moon pose, heard my ex’s favorite song in MY YOGA CLASS and started crying in front of a group of randos, but I got up. I went to work. I got on the mat and was present. I focused on my breathing. I cried my eyes out to Fleetwood Mac, Selena Gomez, & Lady Gaga all in one day. Weird combination but it’s fine. Will Day 2 be easier? Probably not-- but it’s not supposed to be. Changing and molding yourself isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was then every single time me and my ex had this same exact conversation we would’ve changed. But we didn’t. I know this is going to be hard-- probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But it will also be the most worth it. 

-Caro

[ten-and-donna]

ALL 53 :V

OH GOD HERE WE GO :V

1. What do you put on hotdogs? Just ketchup and mustard. This gal doesn’t have the patience or the will to attempt to handle an overladen hot dog.

2. Do you say “anticlimatic” or “anticlimactic”? “Anticlimactic”, and it genuinely pained me to write “anticlimatic”.

3. Do you check flyers before grocery shopping? No, I don’t, but honestly, I probably should.

4. Blue, black, or some other color pen ink? Black usually, but blue if it’s the only one available.

5. Do you use your parking brake? YES. I have seen what happens when that thing isn’t used. Not pretty. Not fun. Parking brake for me, please.

6. Look to your left. How many framed pictures are there on the wall? On the wall, none. There’s one sitting on top of a bin, though. (signed picture of Orlando Bloom as Legolas. I had a crush.)

7. Do you know how to play chess? Yes. The real question is “Can I play well?” to which the answer is a resounding NOOOOOOOOOO.

8. How often do you clean the interior of your car? Not often at all, seeing as I don’t have one anymore.

9. Do you ever read the last few pages first? Never on purpose, but I leaf through pages idly and sometimes spoil things for myself like a NOOB.

10. Ever fallen in the shower? YES, and lemme tell you, THAT SHIT HURTS.

11. On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to swear at other drivers? PRETTY FUCKIN’ LIKELY, ‘SPECIALLY IF THEY DON’T USE THEIR GODDAMN BLINKERS!

12. What’s the worst thing you’ve called someone you cared about? I hate to admit it, but I have called an ex (who I was dating at the time) a bitch, though in recent years I have made sure to check my emotions at the door in very tense moments, so I thankfully have avoided that kind of insult.

13. Do you have a Snuggie? A Snuggie? In this economy? Lol nope.

14. Are you allergic to anything? OH LORDY AM I! Three types of grass, two types of tree, latex, codeine, and POSSIBLY FRICKLE-FRACKIN’ GLUTEN.

15.  Do you have any TV shows on DVD? I have the first season of Criminal Minds, which I still count among the greatest seasons of television ever created.

16. How many times do you hit the snooze button before getting out of bed? Out? of? bed? What is this “out of bed” you speak of? No but seriously, I hit that shit at least twice.

17. Ever driven away in anger? Can’t say for sure, but I’m an angry person, so probably.

18. What’s your favorite freezie color? BLUE ALL THE WAY

19. Are you a vegetarian? Vegan, in fact, about five-and-a-half years running.

20. Do you have a garbage receptacle beside you? What’s on top? not directly beside, but a couple feet away, and nothing but the lid.

21. Do you cross out your mistakes or erase/whiteout them? It depends. If I’m using pen, I’ll cross them out. Pencil, I’ll erase. If it’s important though, like a card or a letter, I’ll usually start all the way over on a sheet/card.

22. Ever torn something up that you instantly knew was too important for such treatment? Almost guaranteed, but I don’t recall any instance in particular.

23. Do you think that things will get better? Okay well that’s an interesting thing to ask, because yes and no. I’ve dealt with depression all my life, and am struggling particularly recently, so my instant answer is “no are you kidding?” but the fact that I’m able to nail that down as a symptom of my depression means that logically I am able to say “yes, absolutely, in time”.

24. Do you have an unpopular opinion? Oh shit, an unpopular opinion? On Tumblr? Do you want me to be banished? No but seriously, “unpopular” is so subjective, and honestly, I’ve stopped giving two flying fucks what’s a “popular opinion”, which I wholeheartedly encourage amongst all my followers. Don’t care what’s “popular”. Care what’s right. But if I must: “health days” at businesses, where they shut down elevators for the day to “promote exercise” should be illegal, period, end of sentence.

25. What’s your favorite quote? I honestly have so many quotes that I love. So many. If I really gotta choose, it’s actually a pretty simple one, from my favorite book of all time, The Name of the Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss. ““Yes, I suppose I am,” Kvothe said, and his voice had iron in it.” I won’t say any more on the context. It just sticks with me even all these years later, “and his voice had iron in it” LIKE HOW AWESOME IS THAT WORD CHOICE?

26. Did you/are you going to prom? Yes, I did, three years, actually. I was dating someone one year ahead of me and was able to go to her junior prom when I was a sophomore. Not nearly all it’s cracked up to be.

27. What’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? One night, a few years ago, I was lying in bed, and literally all of a sudden, I had the sharpest pain in my stomach. I was doubled over. I was cursing at my mom in pain. I was in tears. Went to the emergency room. NO ONE EVER KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG. Never happened again. Freaks me out to this day.

28. What’s the most emotionally/mentally painful thing you’ve ever experienced? Falling in love with someone who didn’t fall in love with me.

29. Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? Well, I played a part in the saving of one life, but I wouldn’t put it so directly.

30. What’s your favorite book genre? FANTASYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

31. Did you like “Gigli”? Be honest. Honestly, never saw it. Don’t care. If I don’t ever see it, I won’t count it a loss.

32. Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? Walked? No. Wheeled? Yes. I mean, that is how one leaves a movie, is it not? Otherwise, I’d still be in the theatre for Lion King. Have I ever wheeled out in the middle of the movie? Probably, but I don’t recall (do you notice something about me? I don’t remember shit well)

33. Do you peek between your fingers during the scary scenes? NOPE! I’m either glued to it or muh eyes are SHUT TIGHT.

34. What was your reaction to Tatum getting killed whilst stuck in the pet door in Scream? Never saw it, not gonna.

35. Do dogs like you? They’re often scared of my wheelchair, especially small ones, but if they can get past it, they love me.

36. Would you say you project an air of authority? Not even close, y’all. Not even close.

37. Do people listen when you speak? The people I keep around do.

38. How are your elbows? Are they okay? Dry as hell in summer and anxious for the return of Stranger Things, but otherwise fine.

39. What is one thing that you do exceptionally well? Be honest. Writing. I love it, and when I have the spoons, it’s all I wanna do, so I’ve gotten pretty dern talented if I do say so myself.

40. Do you use torrents? HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE SUCH DISHONOR UPON MY NAME?

41. When was the last time you paid for music? Technically, this month, when my Spotify subscription was renewed.

42. Are you addicted to technology? I’ve never been diagnosed with it officially, but I don’t like to rule things like that out. Anything is possible.

43. Pick a person (you don't need to give their name). How do you feel about them? Be as honest as you can get yourself to be. Okay so I got this friendo I met on here (super specific, I know) but like, they’re an incredible badass, and honestly every time they post anything, it makes me smile and idk I love them so much and they’re an incredible listener, and adorable, and kind, and always inspiring me to push through. They go through a lot of shit, but they’re always looking forward, and I think that is an amazing way to be.

44. Do you check your computer's dictionary for the definition of words you'd otherwise feel confident about using during in-person interactions? Just to be sure? Oh god, not nearly as often as I should.

45. How heavily do you rely on spellcheck and autocorrect? When typing on a computer, not much. on my phone, a helluva lot.

46. Have you ever gotten into an argument on the internet? Did you win? I don’t go into arguments looking for “wins”. I look to stick to what I know to be true, try to open myself to the possibility that I’m not, and being as close to true as possible by the end of the encounter.

47. Do you pause movies/TV shows if you have to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, or do you just let them keep playing? It depends on whether I’ve seen it before. If so, I’ll probably let it run. If not, you bet your ass I’m pausing.

48. If you use a regular alarm clock, do you have it set to music or that obnoxious beeping? I have it set to music from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

49. Peter Pan? Yes? What about him? He’s an overrated character in an overrated story.

50. How often do you fall up the stairs? Seeing as I almost never encounter stairs, not very often.

51. Do you pronounce "anti" as ant-eye or ant-ee? (Example: "That scene was very anticlimactic.") Both, depending on the moment. I’m not a prescriptivist when it comes to most pronunciations. (don’t you dare get me started on “gif” though)

52. Do you pronounce "via" as vee-uh or vie-uh? (Example: "We can get there via Tremont Street.") Vee-uh. Not sure why that one’s so consistent.

53. How often do you forget to close your parentheses? More often than I care to admit.