#ghostlystims.exe

[ghostlybrain]

TW: This post is very personal and may contain snippets of info that can trigger someone. There is some mention of self-harm. Please don’t read past the “more” if you are not okay with reading about it.

The frustration I feel from learning to mask so well in my 27 years of life due to being told I’m neurotypical and told that I can’t be neurospicy because I’m totally fine, while everyone just ignores the obvious symptoms I’ve had grown up. I get it, I’m high-functioning because I’ve been conditioned to act normal and hide the parts of me that aren’t typical. Reading about ADHD and autism has me researching and critically thinking about the possibility of me being one or both..

I have now created an ongoing list:

- my need to have control over everything and melting or shutting down when I can’t.

- when my things in my spaces are in specific spots and they get moved when I’m not around/aware and not asked, and getting upset and stressed when I discover it moved/changed. My safe space being altered causes me honest anxiety and makes me upset, for something a neurotypical might not even notice. My partner’s noticed this quite often when he’s home with friends and I’m not around, and I come home to something of mine on my nightstand or bookshelf or something moved around.

- my endless hobbies and collections, and need to complete collections and having mini meltdowns when I can’t collect them all and moving onto yet another collection (repeat cycle) or when my collection is tampered with, having a meltdown (ie: my 12 year old self having a collection of this one children’s novel series, having like 150 books of it and rereading for comfort, and my ex-stepdad donating them one day because he though I was too old for them and left them behind when we moved out even though I was planning on coming back for them, causing me to have a meltdown and shutdown for a whole week, going almost non-verbal this whole time. Only responded with short words or lines where absolutely necessary.)

- never really getting along with people properly unless I learned how they talk/interact and copying their mannerisms.

- always have a comfort item/clothing with me (journal, favourite hoodie, ipod and headphones, if I’m at home: my favourite blanket) When I’m at home, I bring certain items around with me from room to room, just in case. My latest comforts/stims is these three puzzle games on my phone that I flip to when I’m overwhelmed or anxious with my surroundings and can resorts to easily as it’s more “socially acceptable”, but I carry a stuffie with me to fidget with, or resort to stimming with whatever I can that’s easy to access (pens, chewing my fingers/nails, my phone, my clothing)

- always having headphones in with music to reduce outside stimuli from triggering me, even at work, I keep one in to reduce stimuli and play music that grounds me.

- repeating myself because I can’t remember I said something to someone because it either didn’t process in my mind or stick. This happens super often to the point where I’ve said it at least 4-6x and can’t remember any of the instances at all.

- constantly wearing safe hoodies and pants and shoes and/or wearing the same selection clothes every week because they’re soft and non-abrasive and don’t trigger any discomfort.

- sharp and loudish noises, as well as shrieks and toddler crying/screaming giving me a full body shock feeling and causing me to shutdown and zone out.

- hated texture feelings on skin: mushy feelings, oily feelings, hand creams that don’t immediately sink into the skin making it feel slimy, anything touching my face/nose/neck including hair, oily/slimey/slippery substances, dry flakey skin, goosebumps/rough raised skin, scabs.. basically if my skin doesn’t feel like my normal, soft skin, it makes me super uncomfortable and drives me insane, pushing me to do whatever I can to make it go back to “normal” which fuels my nail/skin picking/biting habit. Anything too close to my neck makes me almost claustrophobic and I need to immediately remove it.

- stims: nail biting, lip biting, playing with my fingers, playing with jewellery or headphone cords, playing with hoodie strings, hiding my hands in my hoodie sleeves, playing with my hair

- having comfort shows that I rewatch over and over when the world feels too much. Using them to escape my mind or create a sense of comfort/home when I’m unable to have my safe place/item with me.

- last minute plan changes, especially when there isn’t a new plan set in place right away. I have a need to know what’s going to happen so I can prepare myself for it, and when that plan gets changed, I’m not able to adjust myself properly.

- needing the information to be correct. I don’t need to always be right, but the information at hand needs to be. This causes a lot of problems for me in relationships because the other party always ends up feeling like I need to correct them and be right, but in my brain, I need the information we talk about to be accurate for it to make sense.

- in the same train of thought as above, i come across as a know it all, or annoying them with questions, because of my need for the information to be correct. The other part to that is how I operate in right and wrongs, and always see both sides of the coin in other’s situations. (ie: I can play devil’s advocate very easily for people to see both sides of the situation, I’m good at finding loopholes or problems or question things, I feel the need to explain why I did what I did to someone so they understand why I did something) Feelings are also hard for me because I can sort my feelings once I understand the how and why, almost like a process. If I can understand how something works and why it happened, I can process it and roll with it. But I can’t quite process why others need the time to process feelings, even after they’ve gotten the how and why. Kinda upsets me that they have the reason and understand it, but need to still be upset for the next coming hours/days to process through it.

- Making friends is also super hard. My brain processes friendships in reciprocation of effort. If they do not reciprocate effort like I do, or close to it, I start to retreat thinking that they don’t want to be friends or I’m too much or not worth it. I struggle with people who try to be my friend but barely ever make plans, reach out really sporadically or rarely, and never have a reason for it. If they aren’t consistent in their actions or don’t ever explain themselves and try to make up for it, I just let the friendships die and get really hurt and upset. I struggle with people who don’t ever explain themselves about anything. One common situation for me is when I see friends constantly responding to group chats and being on social media multiple times a day, but my message gets left unread or on read for days or weeks. I find it hard to reach out because in my head, I already messaged, so it’s their turn.

- the amount of self-deprecation and guilt when I do something wrong and my emotions get out of wack and I get so upset I stand hitting myself. Did this a lot when I was younger, where I would “punish” myself for forgetting things or hurting someone in anyways by hurting myself as a punishment. (Hitting my self, biting my nails and the skin around them, hitting my head, hitting my head with a book, punching myself, some scarring when I was younger too)

- recently learned: not being able to picture things in my head. Always thought this was normal. I need to be able to play with it. Like for example, when I’m space planning an office, I need a tool to draw out the space and measurements of the room and items in it, or be able to physically move stuff around (or both)