#get this shit into your earholes

[zestyaardvarks]

New Years @ Jay Dees - The Roots

Yappy Hew Nears! Start and end this shit with a bangin Dilla beat

[zestyaardvarks]

Yo the whole state of things in the world 'bout to change!

[tgcg]

bad mouther, hole master

TG: kissing with tongue is gross as hell

CG: COME THE FUCK OFF IT.

TG: what

CG: I'M SAYING SHUT UP.

TG: oh

CG: IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD. IT'S LIKE THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF REGULAR KISSING TO EVENTUALLY INCLUDE THAT. IF YOU HAD ANY SEMBLANCE OF ROMANCE GHOSTING THROUGH THE DEVOLVING REMNANTS OF YOUR THINKPAN YOU'D APPRECIATE WHAT IT BRINGS TO THE NUTRITION PLATFORM OF ANY CONSENTING CONCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIP!

TG: youre talking about it like its a goddamn military weapon or some shit

TG: some kinda scientific fuckin method to fondle a dudes mouth with your own mouth thats

TG: thats gross

TG: this isnt supposed to be a debate before fuckin congress on the pros and cons of getting your mack on

TG: its i would say a reasonably personal thing to react about and thats just my reaction man you dont gotta arbitrate it

TG: and like why the hell do they have to linger on it so long in these movies do they really want me to immerse myself in people necking each other that much

TG: roll the sounds around in my earholes like im swilling a fine fuckin wine

TG: well my professional opinion is that shit tastes and sounds mad gross and tbh i havent seen a single movie where it was close to being any kind of necessary

TG: its just a cringy waste of everyones time

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND I DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE GASH, YOU LUMP OF TIGHT-LIPPED CLUELESSNESS.

TG: did you just homestar me

CG: FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, SINCE YOU'RE APPARENTLY DESPERATE TO START SHIT WITH ME RIGHT NOW: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN DONE IT?

TG: hell no

CG: THANK YOU FOR PROVING MY POINT.

TG: proving your point--

TG: bro have uh

TG: have YOU???

CG: EXCUSE ME? HAVE I WHAT?

TG: come on

TG: i walked into this stupid conversation with a fucking shovel and by god am i digging myself a damn hole big and wide enough for every dave across time to squeeze in so i might as well get cosy in this shit before we all start collectively shoving dirt in our mouths

TG: bet your ass im taking you down with me though

TG: grab your spade and get digging man

CG: GRAB MY WHAT????????

TG: just tell me

CG: ???????!!!!!!!!

TG: karkat

CG: NO!

TG: f-

CG: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!! WHAT PART OF "SHUT UP" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND????

TG: wait no

TG: oh my god dude

TG: you can spin that shit all you want but you can do it the hell away from me

TG: i do not need to be hip to your weirdo foursquare fantasies

TG: patently not my business

CG: STOP RIGHT THERE. JUST SHUT IT. I AM PUTTING US OUT OF OUR MISERY RIGHT NOW. I AM CONDUCTING AN ACT OF MERCY ON THIS INSANE FUCKING CONVERSATION AND YOU ARE GOING TO ZIP YOUR LIPS AND TAKE IT.

CG: HERE IT IS: YOUR SINGLE OPPORTUNITY TO PRETEND YOU NEVER SAID THAT TO ME. I AM GOING TO FORGET YOU MADE A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF ME AND MY CULTURE THIS ONE TIME. AND LET YOU CONTINUE TO DIG YOUR STUPID, SHITTY HOLE.

CG: AND DAVE, I AM BEGGING YOU NOT TO WASTE IT.

CG: TO ANSWER YOUR SHOCKINGLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION, NO I HAVE NOT DONE IT.

CG: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK.

CG: HAPPY?

TG: ……..

TG: way to defuse the situation solid work

TG: real gold star effort grabbin that lit wick and blowing on it

TG: ok first of all you asked me first so dont act like im the one being a weirdo about this

TG: second of all i didnt mean it like that and you know it

TG: THIRD of all what the hell was the point of engaging the knightly theatrics then if you cant even verify that shit

CG: WELL FUCK, SORRY DAVE! I GUESS I'M JUST A FUCKING ROMANCE ENTHUSIAST! I GUESS I GIVE A MAJOR SHIT ABOUT THE THING YOU'RE OPENLY MOCKING TO MY FACE! IS THAT SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR THOUGHT SPONGE AROUND?

CG: AND IT WAS COMPLETELY REASONABLE FOR ME TO ASK YOU THAT, YOU CONGEALED FETID NOOKSTAIN! MY STATUS ON THE MATTER HAS LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE POINT EITHER OF US IS TRYING TO MAKE.

CG: TRY TO KEEP YOUR NUGBONE FROM CAVING IN ON ITSELF WHEN I DROP THIS BOMBSHELL: I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS ON THINGS I ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT, EVEN IF I HAVEN'T DONE THEM! I DON'T JUST GO TROUNCING THE FUCK ABOUT LOBBING MY UNFOUNDED OPINIONS AT PEOPLE LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. UNLIKE SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE INVOLVED IN THIS CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING RIGHT NOW!

TG: youre

CG: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU BY THE WAY. THE SOMEONE IS YOU.

TG: oh gimme a break

TG: bro youre going apeshit over something you havent even done

TG: you know what that sounds like to me it sounds like an overcompensating fake fan who doesnt get any

TG: you heard of troll napoleon complex

CG: AT LEAST I ACTUALLY FORMED MY OPINION BASED ON CAREFUL CONSIDERATION --

TG: -- oh yeah i bet huh

CG: -- INSTEAD OF JUST BANKING ON NUBJERK --

TG: -- not a real thing you just said

CG: -- REACTIONS AND WRINKLING MY SNIFF NUB AT ANY SIGNS OF GENUINE PHYSICAL INTIMACY!

TG: stop saying nub

CG: YOU EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BULGEWAD

TG: not too much worse than being a perpetual fountain of emotional diarrhea

CG: DON'T YOU DARE.

CG: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO USE THAT AS A "GOTCHA", YOU--… YOU! FUCK!

TG: dude did you actually run out of insults

TG: okay this is getting concerning

TG: youre the international dude of verbal dunks

TG: that can not be happening

CG: AAGHRJRGHJRGRHJAGHRJGRHJAGRHJRGRHJRGRHRJR

TG: you cant run out of em youre like the ultimate peddler of hate

CG: YOU DON'T THINK I'M CRITICALLY AWARE OF THE HOOFBEASTSHIT I'M SPEWING NIGH FUCKING CONSTANTLY?! I AM PAINFULLY COGNIZANT OF HOW MORONIC EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS!!!!

TG: feel like ive done some damage here

CG: ESPECIALLY MYSELF!

TG: alright bud time to calm down

CG: YOU CALM DOWN!!!!

TG: okay whatever!

CG: WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

TG: jeez

…

TG: here

…

CG: UGH.

TG: yeah

TG: really glad stuff like this happens in private

CG: YEAH. SAME HERE.

CG: JEGUS, CAN WE GO BACK TO BEFORE WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION? I DON'T ASK YOU MANY FAVORS, SO SURELY YOUR SLURRY OF ILL-DEFINED TIME POWERS CAN ALLOW YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

CG: JUST LIKE, WIPE THAT WHOLE THING OFF THE SLATE.

CG: LET'S START OVER. SAY, FIVE MINUTES AGO. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

TG: what conversation?

CG: OKAY, GOTCHA.

[sageryuri]

CARNELIAN, PARK SUNGHOON.

pairing park sunghoon + fem!reader.

genre frenemies, tension, suggestive.

summary working undercover at the same event as park sunghoon gets you riled up enough, but it makes it even worse when he tries to sabotage you in the worse way possible.

word count 1.1k

warnings sunghoon is an ass and is really touchy, drug mentions.

an the new you love is still shocking to me

"Your target is Oh Seolhyun, CEO of Dawn Corporations. She's been up to some pretty shady shit, using her company building as some drug cartel. Heaps of cocaine, marijuana, heroine- you name it, she's probably selling it." Your assistant's voice buzzes through your ear piece, reminding you of the main aim of your mission.

You make your way into the event's primary room, filled with hundreds of people wearing expensive jewellery and appropriate attire that you would likely be unable to fathom the price of.

"You know, you don't speak very professionally when you're explaining these things to me." You whisper under your breath, eyeing around to make sure no one had been watching you.

Unhappily, you pull at the edge of your tight red dress as it begins to bunch up, trying your best not to itch at your neck as the carnelian necklace lays heavy. You roll your eyes when an older man looks you up and down as you walk the corridor.

"I don't see the need to, would you rather I acted like we weren't friends? I feel like you need a sweet, familiar voice considering Park will be prowling around looking for his next meal- which will be you." Minho replies and you can see his stupid smirk in your head.

To say you and Park Sunghoon had a strange past would be a severe understatement. After an horrific first (and last) date, the two of you decided you could never like each other even as friends and parted ways.

However, as the universe has to ruin your life you a slight bit every couple of months, Sunghoon ended up being part of another company similar to yours, where you weren't exactly enemies but weren't friends either — having the same objectives, but wanting your own recognition without the other.

They loved to put you in the same room as him and you're sure Minho had some input.

"That freak of a man won't be putting his hands anywhere near me, I've got better things to focus on. Can you stop distracting me now?" You growl, then reaching the archway that leads to the main hall.

"Getting all hot and bothered thinking about him?" You decide to ignore him, walking out into the crowd without a reply. He chuckles, moving on from bothering you, "Oh Seolhyun should be wandering around, talking with clients. All you need to do is get on her good side so we can eventually get some solid proof and get Dawn shut down."

You nod to yourself, keeping a keen eye on everyone in the room. Most appear just as cautious as you, eyes moving between people everywhere. If this wasn't suspicious, you aren't sure what else would be.

Just to make matters worse, Sunghoon is scouting around in a well fit tuxedo with a dark red tie and a carnelian bracelet; exactly the same colour as your dress and necklace.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." You groan, hands flying to your face in distress at this new information. Angrily, you hang onto the bridge of your nose before moving on around the room to try and avoid the gaze of Sunghoon, you wanted to pass this day without having to talk to him.

Eventually, your eyes land on your target. She stands with a flowing dark blue dress, dyed blonde hair falling curled over her shoulders. Her eyes stay sultry as she talks with an older man, hand coming up her body to play with the ends of her hair.

"God, no wonder her company is so successful. Pervs everywhere, should have worn a longer dress." Your words are directed at yourself after developing a habit of forgetting Minho is right in your earhole and is listening to every word you're saying.

"Yeah, sorry about the dress. I tried to get a longer one." Minho speaks, making you jump slightly at the sound of his voice, "The Sunghoon match was not intentional."

Choosing to ignore him (because you don't believe it wasn't intentional for a second), you come to the conclusion you have to start getting closer to Seolhyun soon; but nothing can ever be easy.

"Well, don't you look ravishing." Sunghoon's smooth, but irritating, voice speaks in a hush tone next to your ear as he stands behind you, one hand resting softly on your waist, "I might just forget about the mission all together with you around, all matchy matchy with me."

"Hands off, Park. You should keep your eyes on her, not me." You nod your head towards your common target, trying your hardest to pretend there is a lack of tingling and heat where Sunghoon's hand pressed on you.

You allow yourself to let out a deep yet timid breath when he finally pulls himself away from your body. Angrily, you turn around and come face to face with his annoyingly gorgeous face. He smirks, eyes trailing up your body, stopping at your neck for a second before landing on your face.

In embarrassment, you turn off your ear piece so Minho can't tease you later.

"We could just forget about the whole mission for a few minutes, you're looking too pretty to let go." He states, his eyes filled with only lust, you push him back with your hands on his chest to prevent him from getting closer to you, as if he could.

"You have no decency do you? You'd kill to get your hands on me, and I still wouldn't let you." You snap, eyes glaring right through him, but he only laughs at your strong attempt of intimidation and murmurs 'cute' under his breath.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, sweetheart." He's leaning into you again, a hand on your back, and you dislike how you don't feel urge to push him away, wanting to relish in the moment instead, "You're letting me do it right now, aren't you? If I wanted, I could pull you out of here, take you on a nice date then fuck you like I should have all that time ago."

"Don't you think your time has passed? Bet you could barely get me to cum." You surprise yourself with your response, becoming increasingly glad you had disconnected your earpiece. Sunghoon seemed to have this effect on you.

"If you give me the chance, I'll have your eyes rolling back and your legs shaking, won't even want to leave because I'd treat you so, so well." He emphasises, eyes darkening. When his hand drops lower to grope you, it's where you come to your senses and remember where you are and what you were doing.

“You’ll have to try a lot harder than that.” You respond, dragging yourself away from him and going ahead with your mission, wanting to ignore the want in your body.

[marzipanandminutiae]

I JUST FOUND YOUR BLOG AND IM IN LOVE WITH IT. LUCILLE SHARPE GAE AS SHIT

I have so many Crimson Peak thoughts I’m yell them at you ples

so is Lucille bi or is she a lesbian who ended up clinging to Thomas because they were trauma bonded? (is that even the right term lmao) because they did have a child and the bios make it clear that they were both into it from the start but Jessica saying that she made Lucille sapphic and That Scene™️ being focussed entirely on Thomas’s pleasure is hm. That Scene™️ being about his pleasure alone is another thing I could talk about forever :))

Yes yell these thoughts into my earholes

Personally I read Lucille as a lesbian who will never figure out that what she feels for Thomas isn't Normal Attraction. I think she loves him deeply and derives both mental and physical pleasure from sex with him- and would be inclined to see any thoughts of NOT being attracted to him as borderline sacrilege -so she'll never have a reason to question her feelings.

I will also accept "bi" and "her sexuality is Thomas and also Ladies in a way that doesn't fit neatly into any particular label," though

As for That Scene being focused on Thomas' pleasure, I don't usually see it as significant re: her pleasure or lack thereof when they're having sex. I think it's more representative of her dominance in the bedroom and the fact that her love language is Acts of Service (sometimes evil) (if you do not need service from her...she can fix that :D). I imagine she gets plenty out of their sex acts, even if only because Consensual, Considerate Touching of Certain Areas Makes Feel Good, physically, regardless of who's doing the touching.

But there's probably some mental gratification in it for her, too, whether or not she's attracted to men at large.

[shadowmonkstone]

Camping is supposed to be restful, right? Well it’s bloody well not.

Lae’zel has built herself a Mind Flayer dummy to train on, presumably for when we all start transforming so she can lop our heads off easier. Cheeky bitch.

Obviously I haven’t said that to her face because I still quite like having my head attached to my shoulders.

Astarion thought it was hilarious that Wyll doing what was right got him transformed into a devil. I think he’s going to try and seduce him tonight from the way he was talking. A vampire humping a warlock, or the other way round. It’s the sort of tale the bards weave on ghost night in the pub. I can’t wait to tell Prim about it, three gold says she’ll blush, look down at the floor and punch my arm. Unless she’s drunk, then the naughty minx will want details.

Still, to be fair, vampire-warlock shagging is about the most normal thing that’s happened these last few days. I’ll just leave them to it while I work my magic on Karlach.

Honestly mate, the way she smiles. Blimey.

Oh! That reminds me. Kay said that this bastard in Baldur’s Gate called Gortash palmed her off to Zariel and that’s how this whole infernal engine bollocks started. You could see the anger and sadness in her eyes when she spoke. I would have offered her a hug if wouldn’t have singed my fucking skin off.

Pretty sure Gortash was the name of the bloke who was hosting the wizards’ gala bullshit you sent me over to work, wasn’t it? Now I dislike the wanker on two levels.

Anyway, finally tried to get some sleep and I won’t lie, I made sure my bedroll was just a little bit closer to Kay’s than anyone else’s. She didn’t seem to mind. In fact, I’m pretty sure hers has inched a little closer to mine.

Then Gale woke me up with another of his ‘oh, I wasn’t expecting you to notice my personal moment of self-reflection on the state of the Weave bullshit blah blah blah here’s ten words when one will do’ fake surprise moments.

Mate, you’re being loud as shit talking to yourself right by my bloody earhole with a glowing magic picture of a woman I’ve never heard of hovering above your palm. Of course I’m going to wake up.

So he offers to show me magic, I tell him to shove it up his arse because all I want to do is get some fucking sleep, and then he has the bloody nerve to get all uppity with me.

Gale, you’re a good lad and your heart’s in the right place but fuck me, know your audience yeah?

[queenimmadolla]

Steam is once more coming out of my earholes.

imagine trying to tell a writer what they can and cannot post on their blog that you clearly fucking follow them from. you don’t like what they post aside from all the fics you’re gorging yourself on? be a little bitch and unfollow, we’d much prefer that instead of you doing your little sailor moon transformation into a cunt before you press that send button on hate you took the time out of your clearly miserable ass day to write.

and if you claim to be a writer while doing that? I know you’re deadass lying or sticking to wattpad cause the shitty hate you’re pulling out of the far reaches of your ass to send to writers isn’t tolerated here. and they’re MUCH more considerate and composed than I am, cause I probably woulda returned your energy tenfold. you’re grown. you don’t like what I post, the fuck you want me to do about it? unfollow me or choke to death on your disgust. I don’t really give a fuck.

don’t be a cunt, cause you’ll have to make a shit ton of burners for the opportunity to read our fics here since we’re not afraid to get together and mass block you ♡

[broadway-dave]

===> Dave: grab the mic

time to get this fucking thing rolling

heard that everyone formed this little singing group so its only natural that i engage in some musical shit with the rest of yall

youll be hearing from me soon be prepared to have your earholes blessed

the ask box is open for anything youd want to send my way requests or otherwise

[stangalina]

Mermaids shouldn't have nipples. Hear me out.

They're fish.

Bellybutton? Sure. Egg yolks are just egg placenta, the minifish need to be connected to the egg placenta in order to turn into biggyfish so bellybutton makes sense. But NIPPLES? NAH. Why would they have those?

Of course one could argue that "why would they have a human top half" and to that I say murder, obviously. If you can make your face, arms and ribcage look like a human lady idiot humans will show up and you get free fucking dinner why would you NOT do that. Also thumbs are awesome.

But whY would you have NIPPLES. Fish have eyes and nostrils and a mouth and earholes n shit. No nipples. Because it's a fish. Nipples are for mammals only. And no I am not gatekeeping nipples I'm just a NERD with LOGIC.

And this is a headcannon that can be fuelled by the fact that mermaids are always depicted with long flowing hair draping over their chesticles! It is not for modesty, no, it is to FURTHER THE GOALS OF MURDER!

See the sailors will eventually catch on to the fact that there are sexy fish women coming for their bitable glutes, and thus they will look for ways to tell the fish women apart from the real women. And one way that would be rather obvious is to see if she has two pink bullseyes on her tatas.

SO I PROPOSE THE THEORY THAT THE HAIR IS NOT TO COVER UP THE NIPPLES, AND IS IN FACT A WAY TO COVER UP THE LACK OF NIPPLES, IN ORDER TO COMMIT MORE MURDER, GOOD DAY.

[expfcultragreen]

Re prior post,

Like ultimately youre bullfighting this raging bear between/using trees and hopefully youve got a sharp and strong enough stick because youre going for eyes, earholes even, whatever....IF its actually trying to get you. Mostly with a bear you just try to distance faster than its going if it even moves your way. Like you can scare them off by clapping. Im assuming im unarmed in either scenario...do i have a gun? Its much easier to shoot an untrained bear in the dark than an untrained guy in the dark, but harder to kill it so whats the gauge or caliber or whatever if i do have a gun...if i have a gun can i have a canon? If i cant have a gun, im still allowed to improvise right

Like whats the density of trees here, thats also an important factor.....i mean shit am i in a bamboo forest, is it a panda? Fuck you, defo bear then innit case closed

So who's picking what here....again, does the guy live in those woods and is he trying to get me

[thewekman]

Garfield, The Creamening

Garfield was putting his cat dick in some cream of corn while John and Odie where trotting about in Afghanistan. Suddenly Buzz lightyear appeared and yelled, "To infinity and smog!" before grabbing both of their feet and yelling, "Let my tongue caress your foot bunions!" He began licking their feet intensely. They broke free and ran for their lives, but this only turned Buzz on more, as he enjoyed a good struggle. Garfields lagagna sensed alerted him that his two lovers where in getting a good toe sucking without him! He hopped up and scurried quickly to Afghanistan to get some of that action. "Garfield, away!". Once he arrived, he saw John and Odie screaming in terror and running from Buzz. Garfield tackled Buzz, dominating him, and teasing him a bit by telling him, "You smell like mondays". Garfield then proceeded to violently and passionately bazinga and bazoinga and give old Buzz lightyear a good what for. He then regurgitated cream of corn into Buzz's mouth and earholes. Buzz pissed everywhere and exploded. John swooned into Garfields arms. "My hero" he exclaimed. The two of them then made out as John jerked that massive orange cat cock for several hours. Odie watched from nearby in the cuck chair. John then firmly placed his hand on Garfields hairy ass while garfield began clawing at John's tic tac dick dac. They covered each others bodies in cream if corn as Odie then joined in on the fun. They spanked each other, fucked, and got cream of corn everywhere. It was a beautiful orgy of cats, dogs, humans, and don't forget the cream of corn C;

John was on bottom, garfield was in the middle, Odie was on top, and the cream of corn was everywhere it wanted to be. Garfield devoured John's teeny weenie and then Odie proceeded to shove his tongue deep inside Garfield's sexy left ear. Odie then sewed John and Garfield's anuses together and formed one single ass hole and then proceeded to fuck it good and hard. While this happened, John was also sucking Garfield's big, hard tail good and hard before suddenly just biting it off. Garfield yelled "YOWEEE" before shooting out a good, fat load. His cum went everywhere and everyone happily drank the salty rain. John then got the wise idea to take out some miracle grow and put that shit all over his nostril hairs. His nostril hairs grew and grew. John was so enticed he couldn't even hear Garfield telling him "Easy on that miracle grow, big boy!" Soon he had used the whole box and those nostril hairs grew like sandpaper. They were about 50 miles long. He aggressively tickled Garfield's hairy ass with them. Garfield took out his own box of miracle grow and poured that shit all over his fat, hairy cat dick. It spontantioysly grew as he slid it firmly into John's dick-hole. It hurt like hell and made John's cock bleed a fucking river, but that's exactly what John was into, so he endured it. Garfield pushed it in so far half of it came out of John's mouth covored in his dick blood. Odie kindly licked it off, however. Afterwards, Garfield tickled Odie's ass cheeks with his whiskers for an hour while vomiting cream of corn everywhere which John licked up. Then garfield massively punished Odie's anus. After a while, nobody could even tell what was cream of corn and what was semen.

Mr.Clean was watching this from afar, getting turned on whilst drinking grinded up roadkill. Mr. Clean then decided to get in on the action. Mr.Clean was about to become Mr.NotSoClean. Mr.Clean was about to get dirty. So, Odie vores Mr.Clean and the slowly digests him. Before he could be fully digested, he layed a few eggs inside of Odie. All the eggs except for one was digested. Odie was pregnant!  Everyone was so happy for him. They all went back home from Afghanistan to celebrate Odie's pregnancy. One night later, Odie heard a strange sound from the kitchen whilst getting a mouthful of Garfield's meaty cock. He went down to investigate, and found three rather large skeleton penises. Garfield ate them but then realized that he was allergic to calcium and had explosive diarreah everywhere. The skeleton dicks sprayed out and the shitsplosion stopped. Odie cleaned Garfields ass with his tongue. Garfield whipped out his enormous miracle grow penis and whipped the skeleton dicks good and hard. They both crawled inside his dick and lived there for the rest of eternity. Garfield was of course, very fine with this. John heard the ruckus and came down to see what the commotion was. "Holy moly chicken dolly polly!" John yelled in shock as he saw his kitchen covored in juicy diarreah. He made Garfield and Odie throw on some maid outfits and clean it up.

One night, while Garfield was snorting cream of corn up that sexy nose of his, he began craving him some John. Garfield marched his fatass into Odies room and pounded him for funsies before crying out, "Oh where oh where is my John?" To which Odie replied, "Oh yeah, papa Smurf kinda kidnapped him earlier." Garfield, in distress, bellowed "Odie, you useless sack of shit, why the fuck didn't you stop him and why the fuck didn't you inform me of this sooner?" Odie said, "Calm down, cumlord, get your panties out of that knot, all we gotta do is slither on down to Willy Wonkas Chocolate factory and retrieve him from papa smurf's sexy blue hands!"  Garfield packed his cream of corn and got ready to go. The two of them traveled across the land, searching far and wide. Taught pokemon to understand the power that's inside, until eventually they reached Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. They arrived to the room in which John was being kept and found Papa Smurf clutching him in his sweaty blue palm. Garfield began to get erect at this sight. Garfield zoomed into action like the kinkiest motherfucker you'll ever see. After being freed from papa smurf's grasp, John swooned into Garfields arms, "Oh Garfell, my hero!" He exclaimed. Garfield heroically replied while looking into John's eyes, "Just another felon defeated by the miracle grow miracle!" When they got back, Odie regurgitated that egg that Mr.Cleam had laid inside of him. Odie had given birth! The egg hatched, revealing the most disgusting hybrid of Garfield, Odie, John, and Mr. Clean. It was the most repulsive creature you'll ever see, but hey, Odie was a father now so he couldn't complain! The gang loved their new child so much. They named the baby 'Tractor Gunlord bang bang of Gummyland'. They couldn't wait to raise him and watch him grow. The creamy trio then lived cream of cornily ever after. Want some cream of corn?

[godlesshorrors]

𝗚𝗢𝗗𝗟𝗘𝗦𝗦 𝗥𝗔𝗪 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗦 𝗜𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘! Well. That was fast. I just announced this new show on Monday and.... it's here. On the premire episode of Godless Raw Reads, that complete weirdo REEKFEEL brings us his latest book, THE PUKERS! Godless Raw Reads are fully uncensored and unfiltered books. This first one is over 2 HOURS LONG! Better watched it before it gets flagged. 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗜𝗥𝗦𝗧 𝗘𝗣𝗜𝗦𝗢𝗗𝗘 𝗡𝗢��! https://youtu.be/gZtutcFrDrA _______________ The Pukers by REEKFEEL https://godless.com/products/the-pukers-by-reekfeel A humorous twisted family saga. Meet the ‘Pukers’ family. They is right idiots. Just when there isn’t enough incest going round, meet this bunch of inbred ingrates. Some right rural folk. Or Locals and their stupid lives. They’s just stupid. Plain and stoopid. Meet them all. Fun stories of stupid folk, nastily told. But laughs all the way. Meet the characters, and their sick insane life-stories they tell - THE SNOTTER THE FARTER THE BUMBOY THE FLASHER THE ANY HOLE’S A GOAL THE GRANNYSHAGGER As you can see - it gets grosser as it goes, from bizarro comedy to terrible fucked up shit, ending with utter insane depravity the type that will shock your earholes. ‘I was laughing so much I thought I’d fall off the fucking bike!’ - Peter Caffrey (Author of ‘Fucked-up Bedtime Stories’) 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗜𝗥𝗦𝗧 𝗘𝗣𝗜𝗦𝗢𝗗𝗘 𝗡𝗢𝗪! https://youtu.be/gZtutcFrDrA _______________ #godless #godlessapp #godlesshorror #godlesshorrrors #horror #horrorbooks #horrorbookstagram #indiehorror #indiebooks #indiebookstagram #supportindie #godless2023 (at Los Angeles, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnlA5jgJifo/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[zestyaardvarks]

That Third Thing - Kenny Beats

My buddy Charlie recommended the album Louie by Kenny Beats to me, and I really dig it. Especially this song, which I've had on loop ever since lol, fits perfectly with this game, Cloud Gardens, I've been playing lately.

[514ckj4w3d]

if you grew up with white boys

who only look at black and puerto rican porno

cause they want something that their dad don't got

then you know where you're at

mortaring your earholes shut in a rush with wet coke

in a starbucks bathroom with the door closed

on booze, i'm left in residue and confused

like the first time you used soft water

down on my luck, caught unaware

like houdini when the last fist struck

if i'm sinking in laughing at something sunken in, i am

sucking dick for drink tickets

at the free bar at my cousin's bat mitzvah

cutting the punch line and it ain't no joke

devoid of all hope circus mirrors and pot smoke

picking fights on dyke night

with shirlies at loc's and snatching purses

doing elton at karaoke and forgetting all the verses

blowing kisses to disinterested bitches

playing lead lay in a bad way on broadway

sending sexy smses to my exes new man cause i can

on the road trying to break an old van

eating pussy for new fans, i am what the hell

using purell till my hands bleed and swell

missing mel at a motel 6, i'm unwell

if i'm sinking in laughing at something sunken in, i am

it feels exciting touching your handwriting

getting horny by reading it and repeating poor me

intently staring at the picture of your feet on the sticker

at the r. crumb exhibit, i wonder who's sicker

jerking off in an art museum john till my dick hurts

the kind of shit i won't admit to my head shrinker

not even in a whisper to my own little sister

i just act like a dick and talk shit when i'm with her

aught six i'll say the friday before easter

was not good i cried to myself in the pisser

and with you in the front row at the silver jews show

and you act like you didn't notice, my fear of the bear

at showbiz pizza when i was six was overwhelming and not dissimilar to this

if i'm sinking in laughting at something sunken in, i am

at jacob hand's on tour i wake up

hung over on a hardwood floor

from a dream about how your dress

hangs off of your little breasts

i'd rather be dead than call this song

how i lost your respect but god bless or get neglected

and i'll see you when the sun sets east, don't forget me

i love your music taste btw <3 do you have any playlists youd be willing to share or anything like that? what music have you especially been into lately

God uhhhhh for the last month i listened to a lot of 90s alt/indie rock like Magnetic Fields n The Clean Silver Jews n Jonathan Richman so my algorithm has been feeding me Half-Japanese which makes me want to kill someone so lately ive been actively trying to break my current tastes and unfuck my algorithm by trying different stuff from wildly different corners.

been listening to a lotta sahel sounds-adjacent stuff e.g. Etran De L'Aïr (I WAS DICKRIDING THEM BEFORE Y'ALL GOT EM ON YER ALGORITHM FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I SAW EM LIVE with BLACK MIDI on RESEARCH CHEMICALS ).

Russian punk, like Grazhdanskaya Oborona n Nostradamus Orgasm (Оргазм Нострадамуса for spotify copypaste)

Check out Unwound if you haven't, uhhhhhh.....

New Mag Bay album fucks heavy

[knowlesian]

your meta is so amazing, and I was wondering if you had any thoughts about how Stede wakes up in the beginning of ep 8? jolted out of a sound sleep by cannonfire, the first thing he says is "I'm just a stowaway!"

it's an odd line, and it's so out of character to how we see him behaving in the rest of the season.

thank you! also, you bet i do.

(disclaimer: i'm just sort of freewriting while i mainline coffee before dnd and don't have the episode at hand, so forgive the inevitable lack of paragraph structure and some forgotten precise details.)

in terms of really solid tv writing, you want to play around with connections with characters and compare/contrast them— and your a and b (and c) plots— through a shared general theme each episode.

e8's throughline could probably be summed up as people who feel (or are!) disconnected/out of place.

stede's "i'm just a stowaway!" is on the surface a funny line, delivered hilariously, and in terms of practical effect in-world it's doing some work to show us stede's not exactly ready to throw himself into fighting for the ship and getting stabbed for it again quite yet.

take it down a level to the thematic guts, and you get some cool shit.

first: stede's first instinct, rattled out of sleep and afraid, is to disclaim any responsibility or right to be on the ship. it's just full-on he wasn't be supposed to be here today at all mode. which is understandable and if you're only looking out for yourself, the sensible course of action: it's just not what you would want from anybody in a leadership position.

aka: the buck is not yet stopping with stede, at this point.

stede's desire to run from taking responsibility for his actions is one of the biggest areas of growth he shows during the season; it takes a near-miss with that skewer! in the earhole! to really get the party started in earnest, but he's getting there.

but then we get to that second part, the right to be there at all implications. that tells us that stede (just like ed) is unsure of his ultimate place on the ship.

he knows he owns it, and physically does not doubt his literal right to stand on the deck like ed does, deep down; stede's access to wealth has given him a level of confidence on 'should i have things', but none on 'are the things i have the RIGHT things to have, and am i wrong because i want them anyway????'.

instead of doubting that he has the right to buy a fancy ship (even if it's the wrong kind of fancy) stede doubts that he belongs at sea at all, that the buck will never stop with him because he's not a pirate or a gentlemen, and he is definitely not fit to be a leader or head a pirate family. he's a soft little rich boy, and that's all he'll ever be.

so that line ties him to ed in terms of emotional state and the general similar-not-the-same overall emotional and life journey they're on; ed is afraid stede will see he's been a stowaway on the revenge all this time, that the worthlessness he sees in himself will become clear and stede will send him packing just like he sent jack packing.

i guess in a way, beyond setting the emotional themes for the episode, stede is echoing something ed hasn't even said yet and establishing yet another way they could intimately understand and relate to each other if only they would HAVE THE CONVERSATION AHHHHHH USE YOUR MOUTHS. TO TALK. ALSO KISSING MORE. AND OTHER PURSUITS AS YOU LIKE. BUT THE T A L K I N G please make up soon. i am begging.

i lost the thread there for a second but yeah! hope that helped on why that line is lowkey a banger.

[trashytummiez]

Ahhh I love your writing!! Could you possibly write something with burpy Dabi getting carsick and getting his belly rubbed by someone to help out?

Warning: contains belly kink burps fluff hiccups indigestion nausea near-vomiting tummy rubs

"Dabi stop being gross!" Toga complained with a pout after hearing Dabi let out yet another wet burp. Probably the fifth or six one he couldn't hold in during that entire car ride.

The scarred villain groaned and held his churning stomach painfully while keeping his other hand rested against his mouth. He looked miserably nauseous. Dabi hated riding in cars more than most things in life. It always made him absolutely sick to his stomach even if his stomach was empty like it was right now.

"Unnngh...tell that fuckin' purse to stop drivin' like a blind old lady," Dabi grumbled so groggily he sounded like he was on the verge of puking with every syllable.

"Hey it's not my fault the driving mechanics in GTA suck! It was the only teacher I could afford!" Spinner shouted from the drivers seat.

"Will both of you shut up?" Shigaraki said from the passenger seat whilst playing a game on his portable console.

Dabi's response was a thick burp that managed to force its way past his lips and past his clutched hand. It ended in a strained groan.

"Dude if you're gonna puke just do it already and stop bitching."

"Wha-no?! No don't vomit at all dammit!!" Mr Compress shouted from the backseat. He fidgeted uncomfortably and inched as far away from dabi as he could. "You know I don't do well around that sort of thing! If he loses it I'm going to lose my own lunch!"

Toga frowned and glared back at Shigaraki. "If they puke on me then I'm stabbing you in the eye Tomura..."

Shigaraki shrugged indifferently.

Suddenly Twice raised his hand like a child eager to answer a question he knew the answer to. "OOoh! I know! Lemme rub your tummy until you feel better! Punch him in the gut!!" Twice expressed eagerly until his contrarian personality kicked in.

Dabi groaned both from his aching belly and from Twice's childish exuberance. "...You ain't-" he paused to burp heavily in his mouth, "...touchin' me."

"C'moooooon! I'll be gentle! Honest!" Twice assured him in his happy go-lucky sort of way. "I'll thrash your belly like a soda can!" Then immediately unassured him.

Dabi looked like he wanted to die...and probably take everyone in the van with him. But with a dejected sigh he leaned back and made his stomach stick out when he arched his back. "...Get this bullshit over with."

Twice squealed and clapped happily then growled angrily at himself. He scooted right up against Dabi and slid his hands under Dabi's shirt to place them on his incredibly warm and slightly puffed out tummy. It gurgled unpleasantly that Twice cringed slightly behind his mask.

"Wow it's rough in there!" Twice noted. "Pansy!"

"Shut up'n rub..." Dabi almost growled his patience nonexistent.

Twice did just that. He gently rubbed his hands up and down Dabi's belly using the heel of his palm to knead circles into his tight aching flesh. For all his silliness and contradictions Twice's movement was very precise and careful. His fingers very gently slid across Dabi's stomach fluttering across the surface in a deeply sensual and relaxing way while being careful not to get too rough around his upper stomach where his burnt flesh and stitches were.

Dabi's eyes were rested shut to mask them rolling to the back of his head with relaxation. His tensed body seemed to relax incredibly in response to Twice's ministrations.

"....Hoooohhh shit...that's...that doesn't feel terrible..." Dabi admitted in a euphoric tone of voice.

Twice beamed proudly behind his mask and continued rubbing.

Toga d'awwwed at the scene while even Mr. Compress couldn't help but smile behind his own strange mask proud of seeing Twice earn some praise. And from Dabi of all people.

Twice rubbed circles into the middle of Dabi's stomach brushing his palm against Dabi's belly button while his fingers kneaded slightly into his firm gurgling skin.

The stimulation was enough to get Dabi to turn his head with his fist against his mouth in time for him to give a really deep closed mouth burp that rumbled in his cheeks for a few seconds. Dabi looked visible strained then burped in his mouth again even longer and harder.

"Tomuraaaaaa! Dabi's being gross again!" Toga whined literally as Shigaraki had just finished taking a swig from his can of soda.

The only response she got was Shigaraki burping loudly and indifferently then smacking his lips unapologetically. Toga frowned while Mr. Compress shook his head dismayed by the crudeness of their boss.

"Dude I'm trying to drive!" Spinner whined and rang out his earhole.

"Try sucking less at it," Shigaraki replied never taking his eyes off of his game.

"...Seriously..." Dabi groaned then hiccuped sharply. He hiccuped again then burped so hard in his mouth he immediately clamped his mouth shut. "...Fuck. Somethin' definitely came up with that one..." he mumbled behind his hand.

Twice frowned behind his mask. "Do you want me to stop?"

Dabi waited and kept his hand clamped over his mouth. He shook his head at Twice but still looked really sickly. For a second it looked like he was going to blow which made both Toga and Compress inch back nervously...Toga even pointing her knife defensively at Dabi like a hiker trying to defend against an approaching bear.

His stomach gurgled loudly enough that even Shigaraki looked over his shoulder to see if Dabi was about to spew.

Fortunately instead Dabi's hand blew back as he let out a big throaty burp that left him huffing breathlessly and the others sighing with relief. Shigaraki shook his head like he got ripped off then went back to playing his game.

"...Unnf...nah, you're good Jin. It's just kinda workin' some shit up. You're doin' just fine so...don't stop..." Dabi said. He ordered Twice to keep going but the way he said it implied an unspoken 'please?' at the end of his sentence.

Twice smiled anew when he heard that and kept going. He gingerly rubbed Dabi's noisily churning tummy with both hands while Dabi groaned and savored the relaxing sensation the entire ride on.

It was going to be a long drive and even through the belly rubs Dabi's stomach was still volatile. It would churn intensely and make Dabi burp frequently sometimes burping so hard he worried something would come up with the sterile gas. But the fact that Twice was able to satisfy the others by settling Dabi's stomach filled him with an immense joy. Nothing mattered more to the fractured villain than making his friends happy in any way he could.

...The fact that he got to indulge in his secret tummy kink didn't hurt either...