#genuinely thought this was gonna be how i learned whether or not they were allowed to say fuck on dr who dvds for a moment there

[many-but-one]

So, our system spent a looooong fucking time trying to reblog a post by someone that goes by @system-junk-spam but after typing it out it became unrebloggable, and then upon restarting the app we found that either they spontaneously deleted their blog or they somehow blocked us while we were typing something up, despite us having never interacted with them before. That, or tumblr mobile just straight up sucks. Highly probable.

Anyway, we worked really hard on the post and still want to share our thoughts, so we’re gonna put them here. We may get eaten alive for this take, but we’ve learned to not care what others think of us. We are allowed to believe things differently than our followers do and that’s okay. Hate will not be tolerated on this post. If I see it, you are blocked.

This is our theories on how endogenic plurality can possibly exist. We’ve talked about this before but not in great detail. We are literally just gonna copy-paste our response because oh my god it took so long to type out and then transfer to our notes app because the tumblr app was messing up. To TLDR the OP’s post, they were asking for genuine examples of endogenic plurality that wasn’t just someone actually having a CDD and thinking they are endo.

—

So, for starters, I used to be anti-endo. Kind of a dick about it to be honest, but not overly hateful towards endos. I have a post explaining that situation, where I also came forward with explaining that when I was a teen I thought I was an endo because I didn't have trauma—except I did, I just didn't know it yet. I also used to do roleplay—though not as a system, for the record. I just had characters I made that I later realized were heavily based on real alters in my brain and it was that alter's way of expressing themselves before they could be known by the host part at the time. So to say I understand where you are coming from, I understand where you are coming from. I have been that person. I went hard anti-endo at first, but slowly as I've begun healing and deciding "I don't really care what people do in their lives and it's not up to me to police that" I have become what I consider "syscourse neutral" but "fine with endos, I just don't interact with the community much because I'm not endo." Mainly with the feeling of "live and let live" and "they're people deserving of respect too" driving that stance.

I start with all of that preamble because at the end of the day, whether endos "really exist" or not just…doesn't matter. They're not actually taking our resources, they're not seeking out DID specialists because most of them know they don't have DID, and the whole narrative of them "making a mockery of the disorder" is pandering to fake claimers, who are the ones who point and laugh at the disorder whether you are endo or not. Endos are not the enemies of DID systems here, fake claimers are. And whether endos exist or not, fake claimers will still fake claim people with DID no matter what.

If you make this post with the concern that people who say they are endo may actually have a CDD and that can be damaging to their healing long term (it was for me personally) or they may take longer to realize they have a CDD (happened to me), the thing is, they will eventually discover that they have a CDD if that's what they really have. You have all of these examples of people realizing they actually had a CDD because those people eventually realized that's what they had. No matter what, at some point in someone's life, if they have a CDD and the right support, they will eventually realize they have a CDD—even if they initially think they are endogenic.

To go on a personal tangent, it was actually a very good thing that I thought I was endo for so long and got completely alienated from the entire CDD community because if I had discovered I had a CDD at the time, that could have had catastrophic consequences to my safety. When I finally started questioning the system thing again my first year of college, I not only nearly ended my life multiple times (other parts attempting), but I also ended up returning to my abusers and getting hurt again (callback programming, l'm a RAMCOA system). If I had discovered that as a teen? It could have been much worse than it was when I was an adult. I could have been retrafficked if I went back, rather than just reprogrammed and sent on my way, because I was still young enough to be “good product” as a teen, but as an adult they weren’t interested in my “service” anymore, they were more interested in making sure I remained programmed so I wouldn’t report them and they wouldn’t get in trouble. (Joke’s on them, I’m reporting them to the FBI. Suckers.)

My system finally allowed itself to be discovered in my final year of college because I was a mere month away from moving out with my then-fiancée at the time, who we believed could keep us safe should we display harmful behaviors. And we were right, even if she did end up being an abusive POS later. However, I still found out I was a CDD system and did get the help I needed. And even if the situation is not quite as dire for others, if someone who has a CDD believes they are endo, chances are, the system wants that for the time being. And who are we to try to disprove that endos exist just so people will be more accepting of themselves having a CDD? You said it yourself, that people knowing before they are ready can be damaging, so it's really not such a big deal whether or not endos are "real" if that's a way for a system to exist without having to hide while also still kind of "hiding" in a way.

HOWEVER! Now that I have become more open to the concept of endogenic plurality, I have put a lot of thought into "what if it really does exist? How would that happen??" Because gosh, how brains work is exceptionally cool, and if there is a way for endos to be real, that's pretty fucking neat.

So, for the record, I am not endo and I am not fully in their circles nor do I know much about origins whatsoever, so if anyone wants to chime in their thoughts or correct me on something, please do! For this next part, I'm calling endo alters/headmates "parts" just to keep the vocab streamlined and succinct.

Some common themes I notice in endos (for the most part):

They have basically no amnesia between parts

Some can create parts at-will, while others feel like they can't just create parts at will, but their parts just kind of exist

They usually can switch at-will or control switching to some degree or even completely

Some folks usually have some kind of trauma, but that's not saying much because all humans have trauma to some degree or another. Something I've noticed, though, is that this trauma is usually not in early childhood, but in later childhood, teen years, or adult years. (Please know this is not indicative of everyone, just what l've noticed in endos l've spoken to, don't come at me if your situation looks different please!)

All of these aspects come into play for my “theories” on how endogenic plurality can exist. For the record, my “theories” are more like…my own ponderings on the subject rather than something that should be taken as fact. Only endos can decide how they exist, not me.

So initially, my main theory with endos (which l've spoken about once, a while ago) is that it is "IFS on steroids."

IFS functions with the belief that all people have parts, and that to create cohesion in everyday life means finding ways to communicate between these parts and reach healing conclusions between them. Kinda like DID treatment except these parts don't have the "becoming autonomous and elaborating" part of DID. This is often seen in therapy related to addressing your "inner child" or "inner teen" but this can also apply to "the part of me that hates my dad" and "the part of me that wants him to love me." Remember, this is a singlet we are talking about, here! Singlets can also have conflicting and contradictory feelings about their family members. Having a "conversation" between these two parts might look like one of them stating all the reasons why it's better to cut him off because he always causes harm, while the other side may explain all the reasons why they want to keep him around. Weighing these "pros and cons" in this sort of scripted conversation between these two "parts" can help singlets come to an agreement between these two contradictory feelings and find a solution that is best for that singlet "as a whole."

However, what if someone who has parts of self like any singlet does finds a different way to converse with their parts? Or maybe not just converse, but imagine them? Consider that their "responsible self who is good at keeping on track" is the self that they kind of "dial into" at school or work, so that they stay on task—so then later, the part of themselves that prefers to goof off and have fun can have more time to do that. (These may be labeled as a “school/work self” and “home self” by singlets)

Maybe that responsible side of themselves feels like a guy whose name is probably like, Richard. And he's a boring, middle aged, office worker looking dude. And that fun and goofy version of themselves that would rather ignore homework feels like a teen named something funky like Rainbow. Well, the side of themselves that's responsible (Richard) is probably gonna get into a lot of arguments with the fun-loving side of themselves (Rainbow), which can look and feel like an internal debate or struggle of "well I can totally skip this assignment because I have a good grade and my show's season just dropped and I don't wanna fall behind while my friends are caught up" being answered with "um, no, if I don't stay on top of things, I'm gonna fall behind on my schoolwork, which is WAY more important than my show"

See how that can feel a bit like CDD but not actually be a CDD?

These endogenic IFS parts of self might even become slightly more autonomous (or seem slightly more autonomous) than a normal singlet's IFS parts over time, especially if having these internal conversations are a major coping skill during stressful times. These "stressful times" can literally just be "being a teenager" because holy shit being a teenager is stressful!! Does this mean every teen who is an endo in this sort of “IFS way” will grow out of it? No! If this is a positive coping mechanism that doesn't cause harm, they may still have these parts of self well into adulthood or even their whole life. Because guess what? Being an adult is also stressful as hell. It would make sense that these parts would follow them into adulthood.

They may even have traumas they have to address in therapy that these parts of self can help them address. This doesn't mean that trauma is held within a singular part to keep the others safe from the knowledge of said trauma like a CDD system, (even if that trauma is repressed—because even people who are traumatized as adults and non-systems can have repressed trauma) because most likely, all parts of self in this IFS situation are probably either totally aware (if it is not repressed) or totally unaware (if the trauma is repressed) and when it comes time to address said traumas, the parts (while maybe not quite as fully autonomous with completely separate experiences and memories like a CDD system) can still likely be quite elaborate and be very helpful when processing these traumas or negative experiences. Brains are cool! Brains are weird! They do weird stuff to cope with shit! I totally think it's plausible for someone's IFS parts to elaborate to some degree if it helps that person cope with life, even if they don't realize it's IFS or a singlet's version of plurality at all.

Does this mean they would technically be a singlet since they don't have a “genuinely” fragmented consciousness? Maybe?? Who are we to say, you know? If they feel like they are plural even if their consciousness is not fragmented in the same way a CDD system's would be, why not let them say they are plural? They are experiencing some kind of plurality, just completely differently than someone with a CDD-related fragmented consciousness would. Which is kinda neat, if you ask me.

I recently saw a tiktoker who explained they were misdiagnosed with DID, that they'd been re-evaluated by MULTIPLE CDD specialists and been told they do not have DID, but they have some kind of parts influenced by them being schizoaffective. They genuinely have parts of self that feel like they kind of "step in" to handle certain things, with names and appearances to boot, AND this person is very dissociative based on their scores on dissociative scales— which is why they were misdiagnosed by a trauma specialist (not a CDD specialist) in the first place. Their parts are coping skills based on their delusions. Does that make their parts any less real to that person? No, they still exist and they have for a long time, but they are not dissociative parts like in DID. They have some kind of parts that get them through daily life even though they do not have a dissociative disorder. How cool is that!!! They don't cause harm, so they're not something that has to be done away with or anything. This person can just BE schizoaffective with parts. And the therapists are cool with it. Go figure.

I haven’t even gotten to the part where someone with BPD can have schema modes that are kinda like parts. Not to mention that just because people with CPTSD and PTSD may not have fully autonomous ANPs and EPs like people with CDDs do doesn't mean that the person with BPD/CPTSD/PTSD may not try to “purposely” (or accidentally) semi-elaborate those parts by assigning names or identities to help them cope.

For example, if someone has an explosion of anger due to a trigger and that non-autonomous EP is responsible for it, they may associate that non-autonomous EP's anger with someone like, I dunno, Bakugo from MHA. (I know nothing about this anime I just know this is an angry guy don't come for me please lol) So every time this person gets triggered into an anger spiral, they may assign that behavior to a version of themselves that gets really angry like Bakugo, even though it's really just the ANP being influenced by the emotions of the non-autonomous EP. “Bakugo" may never “truly” be autonomous like an EP in a CDD system would be, but that person who has CPTSD or PTSD may feel like they "become Bakugo" every time they get triggered and angry because of that non-autonomous EP's influence. Eventually, the ANP may learn how to communicate with that non-autonomous EP Bakugo and learn coping strategies for “his” anger and process the traumas that caused that emotional response, which can actually help that person heal in the long run. I think non-CDD parts can totally be a helpful coping mechanism for trauma healing. Consider how much easier it is to be kind to someone else rather than yourself. A lot of trauma survivors are incredibly hard on themselves, but may do a 180 for their friends and uplift them when they are struggling with the same thing. If someone with C/PTSD finds it easier to communicate and encourage healing to “Bakugo” rather than themselves and it ends in them healing in the long run, I’d call that a net win.

Like sure, you can say "but they're not actually endo, they just have CPTSD" but like…if they don't have a fragmented consciousness but they feel like they "become Bakugo" every time that angry non-autonomous EP is triggered, wouldn't that kinda mean that they don't have CDD alters but still experience SOME form of plurality? They may have an extremely anxious non-autonomous EP that is like a different blorbo from their shows, or they might name a non-autonomous super depressed EP after Sadness from Inside Out. While they aren't experiencing CDD plurality, one cannot really argue that they aren't experiencing some kind of plurality, right?

And gosh, what about the folks who genuinely don't have serious enough trauma to have PTSD or CPTSD and aren't really needing the IFS parts to cope, but created their parts just because? Why not? Especially if they aren't trying to demedicalize DID a la Astrea's Web or purposely trying to throw vitriol into the community, what is the harm in it? I already mentioned that they really aren't making a mockery of the disorder, fake claimers are. So what’s the big deal, really?

Why can't we as traumagenic systems just let endos exist without concrete proof? From what l've gathered, there have been studies on non-traumagenic plurality (I believe @sysmedsaresexist has shared these studies before but I may be mistaken...sorry for the tag, SAS) so clearly scientists have noticed this is a thing that happens.

Aren't you, as a traumagenic system, fucking sick of fake claimers CONSTANTLY questioning your existence, your reality? Don't you think endos probably feel the same way towards us? Like yeah, we have a lot of scientific proof we exist, but fake claimers will straight up ignore that shit and say the scientists are wrong. Why are we doing literally the same shit? Like come on, put yourself in their shoes! Let them exist whether there's a bazillion studies on them or not! As long as they aren't trying to cause active harm to others or the community (most endos just wanna exist in peace without being constantly fake claimed and harassed, for the record—just like us traumagenic systems!), just let them be! Live and let live. We cannot dictate how they experience their life, whether it's real or not. (I personally think it is, it's just not the same as a CDD—our experiences with plurality are inherently different as a traumatized system of parts.)

I hope my very long ramble was of help to you and others?

Since opening up to the possibility of endos being real and not being so stressed about whether it is or not, l've just been a much happier person overall—not to mention have a much greater appreciation for how cool the brain is and what we as people do to cope with shit. Plurality as a whole is really fucking cool from a scientific perspective. I think being more open-minded and accepting in general will also just make you feel better as a person. We don't need to be asking all these questions, we can just let it be! It's way less stressful, tbh.

[apollos-olives]

what are your thoughts about what's going to happen on the 11th and 12th? I'm south african and although we've got a strong free Palestine and anti zionist community, as well as being the country to get Israhell to the ICJ, the pro zionist/Israel is very strong and very big. my fear is that if my country can be so against Palestine (and this is mainly because Israhell has sold this idea that Israel=the Holy land and Christianity is very strong here in SA) how is it going to be in other countries. Islamophobia is so much worse in western countries and I'm genuinely fearing for the outcome because the reality is whether Israhell is condemned or not, there's going to be outrage.

I'm not educated enough to even understand the implications of the ICJ, but I do pray that it goes in my country's favour, thereby going in Palestine's favour. I don't know if this is ignorant on my part, so do forgive me if this statement is tone deaf, but I remember reading something regarding the Syrian Civil War: that the healing process is painful but the result is worth it.

I sincerely believe that Israhell will not win and that Palestine will be free. My country is far from perfect, but we achieved democracy and ended our own Apartheid. Despite what many believe or think, I refuse to condemn Hamas because although I myself believed them to be in the wrong and thought of them as terrorists, the ANC were considered terrorists and Nelson Mandela was only removed from the CIAs terrorist list when Obama came into office. So it became clear to me that any act of resistance will always be considered an act of terror in the eyes of the oppressor, and we in Cape Town recognize this and we pray for Palestine's liberation.

I was born 11 years after Apartheid and grew up free, so I know that I will never be able to understand your pain, but I pray to Allah that this current generation will give birth to Palestinians who are like me and never have to experience oppression.

Allah will save this Ummah, I believe in it, and a powerful statement that was made by Alan Busack, a politician and theologian in my country, when he and Naledi Pandor, my country's Minister of International Relations, announced that the charge had been lodged with the UN was that "Palestine is already free." and i realized while listening to his speech that Palestinians are the bravest souls. Your children are braver than I could ever be and your faith is stronger than steel.

Regardless of the results of this case, we in South Africa will not give up on Palestine, we even have this new found tradition of fasting on Thursdays for Palestinians, and altho the Zionist movement is strong here and people are even being kicked out of public places for wearing the colours of the Palestinian flag, us supporters will take it in our stride.

May Allah bless you and free Palestine In Sha Allah Ameen ❤️

for the most part, what i hear and believe from my community is that the icj isn't actually gonna do anything or dismantle israel. but it WILL show the world the atrocities they've committed, and more and more people will be exposed to what has been happening, and therefore the intifada will become stronger. even if the icj doesn't do much (inshallah it will), it will still expose israel for what it is and will help change peoples minds over what is happening. that is the biggest thing we believe we will get out of from this whole situation.

islamophobia through christian zionism isn't new, nor is it something we don't know how to deal with. i don't really think you personally should be worrying about that, though we do appreciate the concern. people are waking up and more and more people are joining the intifada and not just protesting and supporting us but they're actually learning about palestine and it's history and culture and people and it's allowing people to learn about how palestine is the holy land and how we must protect it, etc etc. the world is turning to our side and taking apart christian zionism and proving it wrong, so while yes christian zionism is dangerous, it's easily dismissible and taken apart, and we are prepared to deal with that.

we are grateful for south africa helping us and inshallah palestine will be free soon. i hope the next generation of our children will never have to face hardship like this ever again. may allah accept all martyrs and send them to heaven ya rab. thank you for your kind message, it means a lot 🫶

[fancyfade]

Hi so I’m a Damian fan, who is still trying to get into comics and DC in general and stuff. I do know some tidbits from fandom and different blogs that I follow that do analysis.

However after a discussion with my brother (who’s been in special-ed), came this question? I don’t really know how to ask this but I’ll try to phrase it the best I can??

When it comes to schooling realistically would he be put into Special ED (Special-Education?)

While Damian doesn’t have a disability, I think because of his upbringing. Okay let me explain a little. Since Damian has college levels of education, being put into regular classes wouldn’t be considered challenging enough and if he were to be tested, the teacher probably would have to meet with his parents on whether or not to have him move up several grades?

And if the whole reason for Damian to being put into school is to help socially, then maybe special-Ed would help him? Because, the teachers are more hands on and (according to my brother) more focused on social development. And Special ED usually more works on basic life skills which probably is more of Damian needs.

But anyways, I know probably comic writers are not going to do that. But I thought it was an interesting thing to bring up for discussion?

I don't have personal experience with special education, so I can't comment on that. Teaching experience wise I can say there are two different ways people adapt content for students with disabilities:

Accommodations are ways you help students learn the same content as their peers. This can be making sure the content is conveyed via multiple means (ex: always having something visual to help explain while you are talking), breaking stuff into smaller chunks for students with ADHD, and like... a gazillion other things.

Modifications actually change what is demanded of the student, so you are asked to learn different content than your peers. I am under the impression that some special ED programs might allow for a modified curriculum, as im doing some research.

WRT hands on teacher stuff, I know that some students genuinely have a hard time managing their behavior in a regular classroom and can benefit from more individualized attention. We do know Damian isn't one of those students, though.

Continuing to connect this to DC comics characters, with my general lack of experience in special education in specific? If his parents were putting him in a non-mainstream-school thing I'm not sure why they would choose special ed instead of a gifted program, when both would presumably involve smaller classes with a more hands on teacher, but the special ED teacher would probably have a wide range of abilities to teach to. I think Damian also has had lots of experience working with teachers in small classroom environments (getting tutored 1-on-1 for most of his childhood :P) so I assume if he wants to learn more about peer social interaction he'd benefit more from something he's not used to, like a bigger classroom size? IDK. He's had small class sizes a lot of his life.

I do want to point out that Social Emotional Development is a current buzzword in teaching (and some people think it's getting too much attention and teachers are being asked to do things that reasonably should be parents responsibility but... :P not gonna get into teaching discourse since I do not have a lot of strong opinions on it) and lots of people want to try to work on kids development socially even in mainstream classes. However obviously that's hard with big class sizes.

Anyway TL;DR: I'm not really seeing how it would come up realistically, but take that with a grain of salt due to my lack of experience.

EDIT: Ok after reviewing my notes and a teensy bit more research, I don't think it's realistic I can't believe I fucking forgot the least restrictive environment thing XD and while obviously the least restrictive environment for any given student is not always a mainstream classroom, in many cases kids who receive special education services do spend time in mainstream classrooms, and at least in the US (which he is going to school in US so I think I can use this generalization :P) the goal admin would have is that the kids in Special ED do spend time in mainstream classrooms as they can, you don't spend like the whole day in a separate room. A lot of the general thought atm is that kids are not separate from their peers without justification.

[yanderegrizzsworld]

I have to ask. What is your interpretation of Wally? Innocent and naive unless it’s to the reader? Mostly ambiguous and likes to keep to themselves? Openly accepting and caring?

Writing for Wally Darling at first was quite tricky for me as we know very little about him besides what the website states about him. While the new update on the website allows me to grasp more of other's personalities & their dynamics with one another, Wally is still very much mysterious. I can only assume that by his reputation as the friendliest neighbor (plus wh being a kids show), he gets along very well with everyone, but again, I'm merely assuming here.

More under cut cause my dumbass chose to ramble which I'm sorry for

TL;DR: Personal interpretation is Wally's friendly & well meaning, though tends to not grasp how certain behaviors may be spooky or unnerving (speaking in yandere terms + assuming kid show! Wally)

The update has made my interpretation of Wally shift a little bit, though not on Wally himself as a character. Initially— with little knowledge of him — I viewed Wally as a friendly individual who's willing to lend a hand when asked or feels the situation calls for assistance. Though one thing I wasn't really expecting from the update was how flat/monotone his voice is. It's so weird — jarring even — how much life & energy each other character is, even when we can't see them, & then you have Wally who seems more as a observer than anything & I'm not gonna lie, throughout practically all the audio transcripts hidden in the bugs, I always forget about Wally Darling until the audio glitches when he's mentioned/ talked to in the end. The others just ooze personality which make Wally feel so alien compared to the rest.

My thoughts went from wanting to know more about Wally to, I want to know what the others think of him, this mainly comes from the "Just So" Song Demo where the 'oh' comes off so awkward & makes it seem as the others also seem to find Wally odd to some extent (whether mannerisms or tone, or both, anybody's guess) & I'm not sure if he's aware of that or not. I'm not even sure if he's a character within the show or just some form of a surrogate for the audience (he learns things alongside the viewers).

I've just realized I'm been mostly rambling rather than answering your question, my response would be that my interpretation (at least in yandere themes) is he's very much well intentioned, but most likely wouldn't grasp how certain things would by considered weird or uneasy though if you were to directly, clearly & softly confront him about his behavior, he'd make a genuine attempt to stop. So would be relatively harmless if properly checked, though this is Wally within the show itself & not really him being aware, but I won't get into that now (this post is already long & I don't wish to waste you time reading all this)

[haysprite]

// DBD Chapter 27 Spoilers

Alrightyyy, I have some gripes with The Skull Merchant's lore that I wanna talk about real quick. I'll also be referring to her as Adriana, since that's a lot less of a pain to type out than... Y'know, Skull Merchant

I'm gonna be straight up and just say that I flat out do not like it. I'm super sad about that, because I was looking forward to what led to Adriana becoming The Skull Merchant. There were SOOOO many fun directions they coulda taken it, but god, it just feels like they fumbled the ball here? While the concept of a corrupt business woman is cool, I just don't think it fits her and her aesthetic. It just feels a bit all over the place, tbh, especially when in comparison to a good chunk of the original Killers. I got lost very easily, had to reread a lot, and overall just felt super messy.

Like, okay, Adriana stalking the dude that took her place as the top student? Okay okay, I see where we're goin with this- Oh, and it leads to nothing. Not a damn thing.

Why the fuck did her father leave after she returned home with all that money? Why didn't she have him post his own manga on the damn site she made, allowing him to feel like he's earning his own money? THEY COULDA HAD A FAMLIY BUSINESS HERE? HELLO?

The idea of her flipping companies is cool n all, and then wanting to take over em through killing... Cause like, let's be real, this shit could happen irl, probably has/does idfk. But I genuinely don't really understand how one thing led to another into her ACTUALLY killing people? I get greed overtaking her, but ehghgh it just felt super forced :(

What *I* personally wish they had done, would to have had Adriana start to obsess over the character of The Skull Merchant, hanging on to every story her father ever wrote about her. Adriana could begin to idolize her, seeing her as the hero of her stories, and soon would want to BECOME her. She would begin studying day and night how to work technology, spending hours upon hours learning and building drones, with the goal of becoming her idol.

After a while, her father could stop producing Sonhadores Sombrios, having moved past the idea and wanting to start anew with his work. This infuriated Adriana, who just wanted to hear more and more of The Skull Merchant's story, and was persistent that he continued. He continuously denied her, which drove Adriana further and further into madness as she wanted to continue the story herself. She would make sure that The Skull Merchant lived on, with or without her father's help.

Slowly but surely, Adriana started to find victims to gut, just like her hero. Poor, weak souls that would be lost on their paths. Her drones would aid her in her work, scouting out prey. Quick, and silent, she'd hunt at night, careful to spot any witnesses around before making her move. No one could figure out how these people died, though they soon realized a pattern in how they died: two slash marks straight through their chests.

This is where it could continue like normal: Her drone would be taken down by Thalita's kite, leaving her clueless about whether or not there were any witnesses around. Thalita and Renato would run into her, they'd run away, and then cut to them entering the realm.

It's nowhere near a perfect idea, but I feel like it would flow more easily? I dunno, its just what I immediately thought of after reading her backstory. I feel like she has a lot of potential, but so far, I'm just not digging her story unlike Thalita's and Renato's. Also, once again, I apologize if this is a bit all over, I just had to get my ideas out or else I woulda forgotten em lmaoo

[navree]

"Otto literally had his daughter groom a vulnerable Viserys to get an heir on the iron throne"

People literally just learn words and keep throwing them around like it's nothing.

Only a child or a young person can be groomed. One could say, at most, that 14 YEAR OLD Alicent Hightower manipulated him but then again, she was a child, he was a grown adult, and nothing we were shown depicts in any way any sort of manipulation.

She was kind and courteous, and distant. She told him, when he mentioned taking a second wife, that Laena would be a good Queen. Because she thought and wanted him to marry her (or maybe, if not wanted because she was a literal child, then preferred might be the most appropriate word).

She gifted him a dragon? Yeah, and? It broke when he was showing it to her. I would do the same thing. Having basic decency shouldn't be considered manipulative. I can't with this people

Someone (not an Internet someone, like an actual fucking journalist) needs to do a really in depth deep dive on this phenomenon that's developed in the past couple years of people literally deciding that words do not mean things anymore because it has been driving me up the fucking wall. I'm gonna start keeping a list of things I'm refusing to allow people to say until they learn what they mean.

Like you said, anon, grooming is a specific thing, and you can't really have the fourteen year old doing that to a grown man. What's more important is that, like most types of abuse, grooming is about power, and it requires power. What power does a fourteen year old daughter of a man who belongs to a lesser House (House Hightower is incredibly powerful and influential particularly in Viserys's time but it is still a vassal lord to House Tyrell as they are the lords of the Reach) have over the literal absolute monarch who directly controls her access to her one friend, father's employment, and literally whether or not any of them are able to live or die? Alicent has no power in the relationship even before the marriage, because Viserys is her liege and this is an incredibly stratified society with very little room for venturing outside of class roles and also the king is the most powerful person in the country and has complete and total power over everything and everyone. There is no scenario in which Alicent has any kind of upper hand or control or power over Viserys prior to the marriage (and she certainly didn't have any either until he literally became debilitated by illness).

And the marriage happens because a) Alicent was told to spend time with him against her own wishes by her dad and b) Viserys wanted it to. He has the unlimited power, and he liked that Alicent was nice to him out of genuine compassion. Alicent being nice to Viserys isn't a manipulation tactic, she's literally just a nice person who is shown in her youth as having a tendency to want people to be at ease and comfortable when they talk to her, likely due to her own anxieties and that it helps her feel more comfortable too. And even then, if I'd been told "spend time with this grieving dude" and I saw firsthand how torn up he was over his wife's death, I'd probably feel bad and be nice to him too. That's just being a decent human being with a modicum of empathic capabilities.

[casspurrjoybell-17]

Heart’s Choice - Chapter 12 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Carlos martinez

For a cop, Detective Turner drives recklessly and fast, making me press myself into the backrest of the passenger seat and grip the hand hold hard.

When we arrive at his house, he roars up the paved driveway, screeches to a halt, jerks the gearshift into position, stomps on the parking brake, pops his door open and leaps out all in one smooth motion, then he marches up the path to the front door.

I follow him uncertainly, not knowing if he wants support or privacy at this point.

He takes the wide, flagstone steps three at a time, bounding to the top, stops short, stares at something on the ground and swears.

Then he unlocks the door, throws it open and unleashes a pair of demons.

I fall back in fright as two enormous German Shepherds barrel towards me, barking furiously and wagging their tails.

With classic finesse, I trip and fall on my ass, then roll and cover my head with my arms, hoping to protect myself from the ferocious beasts.

I feel wet noses, warm tongues and hot breath on the back of my neck as Turner shouts at the top of his lungs in the background.

"Rick. Morty. No. Get over here, now."

The dogs take off again, racing back towards the house and leaving me to pick myself up.

I lift my head and see Turner kneeling to welcome the tail wagging duo with open arms, allowing himself to be showered in hyperactive doggy kisses.

Getting to my feet, I approach cautiously and hang back a bit while Turner hugs each dog in turn.

He looks up at me and despite how stressed out and angry he'd seemed a moment before, I see a genuine grin stretching his face.

"So, uh..." I rub the back of my neck.

"You gonna introduce me?"

Turner gets to his feet and the dogs flank him, each sitting obediently, watching me with heads tilted to the side, perked ears and bright eyes.

"Yeah. My, uh... my ex-wife's brother breeds them for the police but these two flunked out of puppy academy and were put up for adoption. Becky brought them home on a whim."

"Rick and Morty, huh?"

Turner laughs.

"My ex-brother-in-law's sense of humor. Just be glad we didn't end up with their brothers, Beavis and Butt-head. Morty's a girl, by the way."

"Becky is your ex?" I ask, extending a hand, palm down and fingers loosely curled, for the dogs to sniff.

One at a time they touch their noses to my knuckles, learning my scent.

"Yeah. She's an attorney, like my brother was. He introduced us.

"Does she live in Spring Lakes?"

"Nah. Down at the capitol, in Sacramento. 'Bout five hours away. Which is where she's on her way back to now, dog-free."

He grabs a fistful of hair, the dark brown tufts jutting from between his fingers and sighs.

"Shit."

"I take it you guys didn't talk about, uh... doggy custody."

In the meantime, the pair seemed to be warming up to me fast, melting my heart with their adoring eyes and making me forgive their initial excess of exuberance.

"We did," Turner says.

"Or at least I thought we did. When we split, she said she wanted them. I agreed, though I'd have agreed to anything then. Now she says they're too much to handle and that they should be with me because I have more room. I work twenty-four hours straight sometimes. How am I suppose to take care of two large dogs?"

"I can help," the words leave my mouth before I can stop them.

"I like dogs."

John Turner raises his gaze and three pairs of eyes lock with mine, two brown and one hazel.

"Yeah?"

My heart thuds in my chest, as if I'm standing on a precipice, about to take a leap of faith.

"Yeah."

Turner nods.

"Okay. I appreciate it. At least until we get this figured out."

Unsure whether he means Kyle's murder and the attempts on my life or the argument with his ex and the doggo problem, I follow him inside.

"Your ex-wife has a key?" I ask, as he disarms the security system with a code.

"Nope. She just knows where I hide the spare. Time to change up my habits, I guess."

He turns his attention to the dogs and gives them each a smile and a pat on the head that makes me irrationally envious.

"Better get you up to speed, then. The good news is, they're potty-trained."

Taking care of dogs is more involved than I realized.

They need walks and exercise, toys and treats to keep them entertained, regular grooming, meals twice a day and of course, lots and lots of attention.

Between them and my newly acquired dinner duties, I barely have time to worry about anything else or to acknowledge the growing tension between Turner and myself.

Sometimes he looks like he hates the sight of me, sometimes it seems like I got a serious closet case on my hands.

Meanwhile, three more days go by.

"Why the special timing?" Turner asks, as I set down a platter of steaming hot beef empanadas for dinner.

They're baked, rather than fried but the pastry turned out golden and flaky and the filling is delicious, if I do say so myself.

"Phases of the moon are important in a lot of ritual magic," I explain, sitting opposite him.

I've told him everything I know about the second phase of the ritual, the Feast of Blood which, if the practitioner stays on schedule, will need to be completed by dawn on Saturday, fourteen days since Kyle's murder and five days from now.

"Kyle was murdered on a new moon, which is good for secret things and dark magic. Also, if timed right before or while the moon is completely dark, it's good for endings and if right before or after it starts to come back, it's good for beginnings."

"So, you think Kyle was killed during that phase, beginning the cycle of the ritual?"

"Probably. This next feast will take place on the full moon, which is good for magic that centers on things coming to fruition or reaching full potential. Finally, the last ritual, assuming we don't find and stop this guy, will be on the next new moon. The demon will enter this world in the absence of light, take and kill the host and if the summoner plays his cards right, grant a favor in return."

"What does this 'demon' want? Assuming it's real," Turner says, waving a half-eaten empanada at me.

"And not just in some looney's imagination."

I sigh and slip Morty a bit of shredded beef under the table.

Turner scowls but says nothing, awaiting my reply.

I give myself a moment to think and to come up with an explanation he'll understand.

"You heard of multiple dimensions or the multiverse theory?"

He nods, mouth full.

"Well, it's kinda like that. Some of these dimensions are non-material, pure energy, where beings exist without physical bodies. A lot of these beings would fall under what, in English, we call 'demons' for lack of a better term. Most aren't 'bad or evil' in the way we usually think, just like lions and hyenas and other predators aren't 'evil.' They're just doing what they do to survive. From an antelope's perspective, though, a lion might seem pretty malevolent. The humans are the antelopes in this scenario."

"They see us as food?"

"More or less. Human life is like sunlight, heat, warmth to them. They crave it and are drawn to it but usually they can't touch us. Like fish watching birds fly overhead, forever separated by the realms in which they live. Through rituals like the Feasts, though, they can enter this world by possessing a host. After the host's death, they're then free to roam this plane, in search of other victims, until somebody like my aunt comes along and ends them, or sends them back where they belong."

"Speaking of your aunt..." he wipes his fingers on a napkin and reaches for another empanada.

"You heard anything?"

"Nah. Not yet."

I got two more texts from 'Alejo' though, asking me to 'hang out.'

I hadn't even had a good time with him but that's the most I've been pursued in a while and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered.

Too bad I'm under anti-murder quarantine and can't take him up on it.

The way Turner keeps staring at me, I'm gonna need to blow off some steam or at least get blown, before I explode.

"Can't you send her an email or something?"

I laugh.

"That's what Ian Foley said."

"Ian Foley?"

Turner's sharp tone makes me look up at him.

He's watching me with that look again, the one that makes me feel too warm and brings me back to that lion and antelope analogy.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear he wanted me bad.

"My friend," I clarify.

"He and his partner helped me get out of a bad situation with my aunt."

"Abusive?"

"I wouldn't go that far," I say with a shrug.

"But it wasn't healthy, either. What about you? Why'd you split with your wife?"

He frowns, still watching me keenly but he doesn't seem upset by the question.

"I kept something a secret that I shouldn't have. She found out."

Intensely curious, I wait for him to say more but he changes the subject.

"I'm thinking of revisiting the scene tomorrow. Bring the dogs along. They flunked out of police academy for being too playful but they're still well-trained. Maybe they'll be useful. You might, too."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

I roll my eyes.

"You up for it?"

Sighing, I rise and start to clear the table.

"Yeah, count me in. Besides, we're low on groceries. We can stop at the market afterwards."

He frowns.

"Can't you just order online?"

I release my breath in a huff of annoyance and shake my head.

"Yeah, I can order online. Sorry. I forgot we wouldn't want you to be seen shopping with a queer."

I flounce into the kitchen with as much flounce as I can muster, put in my earbuds and start on the dishes.

With upbeat Latin pop pounding in my ears, I don't hear Turner follow me and jump out of my skin when I turn around and find him leaning against the opposite counter.

I take my earbuds out and frown at him.

"What do you want? You ate six empanadas. You can't still be hungry."

"Not for food, no."

"What, then? I didn't make dessert."

He crosses his arms.

"I get the feeling you're attracted to me, Carlos."

I blink at him as my brain double checks that my ears heard him right.

"Yeah, well, can you blame me? You're hot as hell and I'm gay as fuck. Don't worry, though. I'm not dumb enough to come onto you."

I start to put my earbuds back in, intending to ignore him but he pushes himself away from the counter and walks towards me.

I back away and bump into the sink.

He places his hands on either side of me and I hold my breath.

The look in his eyes is smoke and fire and I can't tell if he's about to kiss me or fuck me up.

"I'm attracted to women," he growls.

"Okay," I whisper, eyes wide.

"I believe you."

"I'm attracted to men, too. In fact, right now, I'm very attracted to you."

My mouth goes dry and my heart starts to race.

"You are?"

"Yeah and it's a distraction I don't need. I been fighting it from day one. I just lost."

He leans a little closer and my heart skips a beat.

"Really?"

"Yeah. So I'm gonna make things clear for you, Carlos. I wanna fuck you hard and fuck you for days. Fuck you until you can't walk, take care of you until you can and then fuck you again. That's my cards on the table. That's what you're getting into if you light this fire. Now it's your turn. You gonna do the dishes or me?"

I can barely breathe, my blood is so full of hormones and adrenaline.

He hasn't even touched me and my legs are already weak.

I'm a little scared and not at all certain this is a good idea.

It feels too intense and too soon, then again, it won't be the first stupid move I've made and as I meet his eyes and see the raw desire reflected back at me.

There's only one honest answer I can give, even if it's just something he needs to get out of his system, there's no denying I want it, too.

"The dishes can wait."

[marveliciousloki]

Loki S2 Episode Rant/Analysis

Spoiler ahead, obviously and bear with me I'm not gonna be objective and calm because I am not jokingly not okay.

The beginning is really funny. I was giggling the whole time loop sequence because Tom made it really funny and was super giddy seeing him to wacky things to do things differently.

That lasted until the Loki takes centuries to learn all OB (and I assume Victor) know about science joke. Immediately recalled He Who Remains line of "I'm much older than you think" line and knew this was gonna be a rocky path.

Although I admit seeing Loki being all in control and time science-y while the others were like "htf u know that? "was absolutely delightful, Tom was great acting all that and everyone was too.

Honestly it's super nice to see Loki so overpoweringly... Well, powerful.

And his smile when he thinks they did it? Gosh, Tom Hiddleston is gorgeous.

But of course it couldn't be that simple.

Loki going back to the Citadel and the whole battle loop was heartbreaking because whether you ship Loki and Sylvie or not, he cares about her. He doesn't want to hurt her or even think killing her is the only way. My stomach hurt the entire time. And also I hate HWR even more, but he has a point, it's better one timeline than no timelines.

I gotta say the talk with Mobius was really deep and I appreciated that Loki saw right through him and new that had been him and I felt bad for Ravonna, she's confused, angry, and rightfully resentful at HWR and the TVA, I thought they'd fix it with her, but I guess not.

His talk with Sylvie was very interesting, how he didn't ask her for permission, he asked for advice and to clear his mind. In the end he went to hear out the opinion of the two people most important to him right now. And it was really interesting to hear Sylvie didn't went for self sacrifice given she's too hurt and tired and wants to live. And how she values trying to always find a different solution.

But you know who's infamous for self sacrificing in the most self destructive way? That's right. Loki Odinson, being in the TVA didn't change that I guess.

I genuinely felt nauseous when I saw his clothes starting to decay thinking he had gone bonkers and just went to end it all. The design was really interesting, I didn't like the shoes, the cloak was interesting but I really liked the obsidian horned helmet. I waited 12 episodes Loki for horns.

But at what cost?

Loki's always hated being alone. Literally since 2011 all his actions are pleas for attention and/help. This show had two scenes explicitly dedicated to explain how Loki can't stand being alone.

And he goes to isolate so all his friends get their happy ending.

Trying to be logical, it makes sense since it goes with the topic of the show. Free will is good, but it comes with consequences. And Loki made the choice to sacrifice for EVERYONE everywhere (all at once, heh...). Just as he thought making himself be a killer to get rid what he thought was a threat to Asgard and Odin. Just as he was ready die protecting Jane against the Dark Elves (twice), just as he took rules in silence to make Asgard not Thanos' target.And passing as Odin wasn't happiness, it was Mischief and based on his actions, fear (since he sent the Aether to The Collector so Thanos wouldn't target Asgard), just like when he literally died protecting his brother, or got hurt over and over to try protecting both Sylvie and the TVA.

I admit the walking up the stairs is every emotional, and the tree of timelines is beautiful and a nice reference to Ygdrassil. Consider me impressed there.

I'm so tired of Loki not being allowed a happy ending. We had Ragnarok but that lasted not even the full trip to Earth. . And all for what? For him to be fully isolated for the sake of everyone else. And my biggest source of anger no one seems to care beyond a lighthearted comment? Fuck off.

[morg-among-the-stars]

Find Words As Light As The Birds

Word Count: 5,983

This fic is inspired by the below prompt and it is beautiful and sad at the same time. This fic contains topics of violence, mental health, self-harm and other dark/depressing things. If any of those things may be upsetting or triggering to you, then please do not read this fic.

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"It's really not that bad." Evan tells Jared, whose hand is gently turning his head to survey the results of whatever happened in the computer lab that Evan won't speak of.

Jared's hand is soft against Evan's bruised jaw, while his eyes flicker with flames.

He'd practically picked Evan up off the floor and shoved him into the nearest bathroom, handing him wet paper towels to clean the blood from his split lip as well as dried paper towels to soak up his tears.

They're still in the school bathroom, roughly fifteen minutes after the incident; Jared locked the door so Evan could have a second to compose himself. (After Evan could breathe properly again, Jared shook off those stupid nerves deep him his heart and asked Evan if he could assess the damage.)

Students aren't supposed to lock the bathroom doors, they are only allowed to lock the individual stalls. If Jared gets in trouble for picking his friend up off the ground, then sue him.

"Really not that bad? He looked like he was going to kill you. You looked like you were going to die." Jared states.

There's a light bruise on his jaw that barely touches his cheek, it'll get darker as it heals.

A big purply splotch, another thing that people can stare at him for and furrow their brows.

Evan's lip is also split, though it has (thankfully) stopped bleeding.

Evan's self-esteem is more injured than anything. He already felt like shit about himself; getting his butt kicked by a sociopath didn't help him.

"Why won't you tell me what happened?"

Evan looks at him, then vaguely down.

"I don't- I don't want to make it worse." He frets. "What if he goes after you, what if you get hurt because, because of me?"

Jared is grateful that Evan wants to keep him safe, but he can fight his own battles.

He frowns and his heartstrings are not pulled, but yanked while looking at Evan like this.

A little bloodied and definitely bruised, colored pink from crying as well.

Evan has learned to not be a "cry baby," but having Connor Murphy beat the ever-living shit out of him triggered a reflex of tears.

"If he goes after me, I'll deal with it. I don't want you to get hurt any further."

Jared's words are firm and reassuring, and Evan feels oddly comforted by the soft touch on his face that accompanies them.

Comforted and safe. He is safe for this short moment in time.

"Are you gonna go to the counselor about this?" It's a genuine question, but Evan just laughs. A small, bitter sound in his throat.

"They never actually help, and I'm... non-confrontational."

Jared doesn't know how Evan can be laughing at this situation, but it's admirable in a weird way.

Evan can be a bitter, sarcastic asshole like he is; the dumbest, most impulsive thought crawls into the back of his head. (His mind is telling him to let Evan's face go, but his heart feels like it's achieved the tiniest bit of intimacy that only his subconscious knows of.)

"I know you aren't, but it wouldn't be a confrontation. And, you can't let him hurt you and not say anything about it."

"Do you want to tell the counselor?" Evan asks. He knows that he should give Jared his personal space, but after being torn down so harshly, this comfort feels grand.

Being touch-starved is another thing to add onto the "Facets of Evan's Shitty Mental Health" list.

He continues on with honesty and a sigh, "I'd prefer you didn't, but you do what your heart tells you to do, you know? My heart told me to write the truth and... look where that got me."

Evan is visibly calmer now, though his words are somewhere between wise and sarcastic. He is looking at Jared curiously, wanting to know whether or not he'll go to the counselor.

He should mind the awkwardness that is his family-friend's hand so gentle on his face, but he doesn't.

Jared knows he should mind it, too, but his hand is unexplainably frozen.

Going to the counselor isn't on Jared's mind right now, Evan telling him to do what his heart tells him to do is. (He could hear the tone-shift towards the end of his sentence, but that sarcasm is what he sticks to. Hearing the soft-spoken boy speak with cynicism the same as he, himself, does... it turned a cog in his brain. A cog covered in cobwebs that shouldn't be dusted off for both of their sakes.)

Evan is somewhat calm and pink in the face, his body catching up with his mind slowly but surely; a halfway sarcastic sentiment in the air that Jared stupidly loves.

They're alone in the empty boy's bathroom, no jeering classmates to say anything about anything.

Both of them are still, Evan knows that it would be rude to snap his fingers in front of Jared's face to get him out of whatever trance he's in.

Jared looks at the thin red line on Evan's lip.

He thinks of cynicism and his subconscious and Evan finding a way to laugh as opposed to cry after a shit-storm.

Evan not pushing his hand away, something so small that is truly something so huge.

Jared does something stupid and impulsive, he kisses Evan, right where Connor's knuckles had landed and left a split-wound.

It's only for a second, then the door knob starts to shake violently.

"Hey!" A voice calls. It's Connor's voice, pissed off as all hell. "Open the door! I saw you run in here, Evan. You didn't explain this fucking letter!"

Jared isn't stupid, but kissing Evan once he finally calmed down wasn't the smartest idea he's had.

Even though Connor is yelling on the opposite side of the door, Evan's mind is fuzzy and on a delay. His eyes are wide and his body is still when Jared takes one big step back from him.

That was his first kiss.

Holy shit. That was his first kiss. Jared had kissed him.

"Jared- What..."

"I know, I know. God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." He trails off and Connor becomes frantic with the doorknob. "I'll handle him."

Evan wants to say something, but he can't before Jared gestures for him to stay put, and then goes around the corner to unlock and open the bathroom door. (He'll clean up his stupid messes later, Evan can't afford another bruise. That is the message that is newly set into Jared's mind.)

A loud thunk is heard and Evan listens to an enraged,

"You fucking psycho-"

Another thunk; after a third one, he can't stay put.

Jared has never been a violent person, but Evan sees him swinging and swinging at Connor, laying into him relentlessly in the hallway outside the bathroom.

He didn't even know Jared could punch, he has never needed to see such a thing.

Evan is still on that delay and he is thinking about Jared coming to his aid and then kissing his split lip better like some miracle healer.

At least, he dumbly thinks that's one possible reason why it happened. (An obvious explanation is within his reach, but it is impossible. Jared doesn't... could he? No, he doesn't. There's no way he does...)

He can ask later, but seeing Jared punch Connor Murphy in the face makes Evan want to kiss him on his own merit as a way of thanking him. That is his true, genuine thought process. Irony or an actual consideration, whatever it may be.

Jared had always made the crude joke that Evan wasn't straight.

If he isn't, then Jared is the explanation, or the person to blame, or something else.

Whichever makes more sense in a nonsensical situation.

The school security officer is pulling Jared away from Connor in the blink of an eye and yelling, "Hey, hey, hey! Break it up, boys, break it up!"

He sees Evan standing idly in the bathroom doorway with a deer in the headlights daze on his face and asks him sharply,

"You involved in this?"

Evan shakes his head, but Connor is no help,

"Yes, that freak wrote a letter about my sister. He's in love with her."

Those words are heavier when said out loud. Love, not even the usual timid like.

The officer takes all three of the boys to the counselor, where they sit in a row.

Connor on the left, Jared on the right, and Evan in the middle; involved in this.

The counselor sits up and starts right away,

"What's this letter that Connor is referring to?" Connor reaches into his pocket to hand it to her.

Though she stops him and looks at Evan, "May I read it?" It's his letter, at least that is respected in one way or another.

Evan, self-described as non-confrontational, weakly nods his head.

She reads over the paper, reading out loud to the group, "Because there's Zoe... you assumed it was your sister, Connor? Zoe Murphy?"

"Yes. He wrote it to make me look crazy."

"Giving him a bruised cheek and a split lip doesn't help your case..."

"I'll give you one, too, Klienman-"

"Enough." The counselor says sternly. "Evan, is this about Connor's sister?"

Evan looks between them, at Connor's ice-cold glare and Jared's curious but slightly guilty expression.

"Yes," He admits, "But, but I didn't mean it in a creepy way. I just- I wanted a friend and Zoe is... well, nice."

"But you like her. You've been staring at her for years, I've seen you do it!" Connor spits out. Jared looks a little pained by that sentiment but he understands that it's a truth he'll have to-

"I don't." Evan informs everyone, his voice is unsteady and soft. The room goes quiet; Connor looks pissed (still) and Jared looks extremely confused and even more curious than before. "I don't like Zoe like that."

Jared leans towards Evan and his brows furrow together, he barely has to ask his question, though he still whispers it,

"But I thought you... y'know..."

Evan looks at Jared, at his lips as he speaks, since his eyes are too much right now.

He understands what the guilty expression was for and his mind is in a whirlwind.

He doesn't know what he feels and he wants to ask Jared why he kissed him.

He'd still kiss him again as a thank you for standing up for him.

That thought alone, his odd willingness to kiss Jared keeps the whirlwind going and going.

But saying something definitive and clear is his best bet.

Even if it's partly a lie, a partial lie that he doesn't understand. It's better than saying that he does like Zoe.

The slight, silent movement of his head signals the "No," and Jared sits back in his chair.

"Then why did you write about my sister? Why her of all people? Why do you need her to be your friend?"

"Why do you sound like your accusing him of something? What, are you jealous he didn't want to be your friend or something?" Jared questions. He rants for a handful of seconds and Evan learns that Jared really does not like Connor, maybe even down-right hates him. "You aren't the most approachable guy out there, you're kinda insane and maybe a little full of yourself. Get that stick out of your ass and-"

"You've already fought enough, we don't need anymore." The counselor tells them, then looks at Connor.

"Connor, why did you need to result to violence with Evan?"

"I don't want a loner like him dating my sister, she deserves better than him." He answers instantly, then looks down at his lap, picking at the ripped threads of his jeans. "I'm trying to look out for her."

It's odd, but Evan finds himself laughing bitterly to himself. He was once told that it is easier to laugh than to cry and he really wants to cry.

So, he laughs for a second time today. (He laughed at some joke he overheard in the hallway earlier, which earned him a side-eyed glare. So, technically, the third time today.)

"Dude, what are you possibly laughing about now?" Jared asks him bluntly.

"Do you beat up everyone else who's ever tried to talk to her?" Evan asks Connor, fear still inside of him, but he doesn't know anything worse Connor could do to him.

"No, because no one else has written creepy shit about her."

"I could've written much worse." Evan states, ironically bold for him.

The room goes quiet, but for an entirely different reason. "I did write 'much worse'. I, I don't even think- I don't think you got to the bottom of the page before you, before you..."

Evan is stuttering and his voice is shaky, his bitterness (that Jared saw as ironically bold confidence) faltering. He gestures at his beat-up face, Connor sinks into the chair a little bit.

He coughs a little bit too loud and swallows down anything that is threatening to come out of him.

"Would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?" He quotes himself and looks to his right. "You know, Connor. I already feel like, like shit about myself. I didn't need you to beat me up, I do it myself enough." His words come out shaky, but they're undeniably truthful now.

Jared sits up, on alert for the second time today,

"Woah, what does that mean?" Evan is faced with the truth that he has barely skimmed the surface of with his own therapist.

Telling the counselor (who he avoids, because confidentiality doesn't exist as he's found out), the sociopath who knocked his lights out and his family-friend who kissed him who he may or may not want to kiss again makes his stomach ache.

The answer he gives is cryptic, but Connor gets it immediately and, after a few long seconds, Jared wears the expression of someone whose mental computer is struck with an error and all it can do is buffer, buffer, buffer.

"You know that pocket knife my dad gave me before he left? He taught me how to whittle sticks and then I taught you." Jared nods.

He vividly remembers Evan as a little boy, with that oak-wood-hilt pocket knife always on his person; ready for whatever box needed to be opened or stick needed to be shaved down into a toothpick.

It seems insignificant, but it isn't. Hell, the way Evan says it, with something close to a half-smile on his face takes more away from it.

That has always been one thing he is a master at, making his troubles seem smaller than they are.

Everyone is looking at him, ready for the "Well..." or something else, but it never comes.

It sinks in and Jared rests a hand on Evan's shoulder.

The counselor is on alert, telling him,

"Evan, that is a serious but separate matter we can talk about another time-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

He is pushing back, something no one in the history of the world has seen Evan Hansen do. Jared keeps his eyes steady on him, thoughts racing a mile a minute.

Though, his thoughts are cut short and shaken away,

"Jared, what was going through mind when you saw Evan in that state?"

"Do I have to say it? I felt... I felt terrible. What would you feel if your friend was on the ground getting pummeled? I tried to be a good friend and pick him up off the ground."

"But I thought we were just-"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. It's bullshit."

"Watch your language."

Jared sighs and turns to Evan, holding onto his shoulder a little firmer.

"You're my friend, Evan. My real, legit friend, okay? I genuinely like you and I'd beat up any string-bean druggie to help you."

"Hey, dick-"

"Language-"

"Fine, fine. I'm sorry." Jared says, looking between Connor and the counselor. "But I wanted to help Evan. And if helping him involved getting all that blood out of his mouth and giving his pummeler what-for... then sue me."

It also involved kissing me, for some unknown reason, Evan thinks.

He also thinks how, in an instant, he's upgraded from family-friend to real, legit friend.

He might go home and throw up everything he's ever eaten, or run to the nearest bathroom and do the same.

Connor is already on the defense, saying that his family literally could sue him, but Jared is quick with a comment about how that wont hold up well. "You assumed the worst and gave couldn't-hurt-a-fly Evan Hansen a bruise on his face and a split lip."

Once again, their bickering back-and-forth is ceased and it comes down to this:

Three boys in a row in front of the school counselor's desk.

The first, Connor, resorting to violence in the name of protecting his sister. The last, Jared, resorting to violence in the name of protecting his friend (after many long years, he finally admits that he is Evan's friend). Evan, the in-between, more troubled than anyone first thought. Admitting that he, himself, hurts more in his heart than anything Connor's fists could ever do to him physically.

Jared, without the judgmental eyes of his classmates, sees Evan. He lets himself see Evan.

He knows that he'll have to explain himself for the abrupt smooch in the bathroom, he is trying to sort out how to do such a thing. How to explain something so illogical, something that he has come to terms with, but still plagues him, because it's Evan.

Evan, who he cannot have and hold.

The first and last are assigned after-school detention for the next few of days starting tomorrow, the in-between is told to go home for the rest of the day and to have a meeting with the school psychologist within the week.

From what he knows, the school psychologist is a separate version of the counselor, working closely with Dr. Sherman, but serving a more immediate purpose.

All three boys are dismissed and Evan makes the slow, utterly-drained walk towards the exit. He looks over his shoulder for a second and Jared is in the hallway, looking at him like he wants to say something.

If Evan squints before turning his head back around and walking out the door, he thinks Jared might've been wiping droplets off his glasses.

Unfortunately, Evan can't be picked up from school, so he waits for the public shuttle bus to pick him up.

Thick, grayish clouds hang high over his head. Great, rain, he thinks.

Evan loves the sound of rain, for it lulls him to sleep like a hefty dose of melatonin. But the feeling of cold rain soaking his clothes is one he despises, along with the startling and unpredictable sound of thunder.

Lightning (visually, at least) is something he likes, though the fear of getting struck by it takes over the small appeal that's there.

When it finally arrives, he rides the bus home while looking out the window, watching cars and people go on by.

The grayish clouds are fully gray by the time he gets home.

School has barely been in session for a week and he can sum it up in three words: exhausting, confusing, and surreal.

Zoe Murphy almost talked to him, he wrote the truth (of nearing hopeless for the school year, but holding hope that the kinder Murphy sibling would say, "Hey, Evan." to him) onto paper instead of fluff and over-optimism, one person (or as Jared called him, one "fucking psycho") signed his cast, Jared is his friend (who gave-slash-stole his first kiss), he admitted that he... never mind, and Connor Murphy nearly killed him.

(That last part is hyperbole, but he surely felt like the golden gates of Heaven were going to open any second after the first blow to his jaw... or the fire and brimstone of Hell would swallow him up, whichever he truly deserved. Sometimes, when he thinks of being old and gray, or in reality, finding a taller tree, or when he climbed that not-quite-tall-enough tree during summer, he hopes for the former, but believes that he is destined for the latter or nothing at all entirely.)

What a great list of things to tell his dad! (Sarcasm, so much sarcasm. Jared has more of an impact than he may think.)

If his dad ever calls to ask about his senior year, that is.

Evan trudges into the house and up the stairs to his bedroom. He doesn't even bother with kicking off his shoes before shrugging off his backpack and falling onto his bed with a bouncing thud.

His exhaustion, both mental and physical, overcome him and he is out like a light.

A knock at the front door, followed by clap of rumbling thunder stir him awake a couple hours later; the sun has already set.

Going in and out of consciousness, his eyes fall on his cast, on those awful, big, bulky letters.

CONNOR

The knocking at the door pauses, then resumes, and Evan fears the worst.

Connor is outside his house, ready to really give it to him, to kill him and then go around school talking about the letter.

He pushes himself off the bed and peeks through the blinds of his window.

Through the now pouring rain and darkness, he can't see any cars. He can make out a car window, but nothing else.

To live or to die, that is the question.

Stay up here and hide, but live, or face Connor head-on and get his ass handed to him worse than before, but possibly (probably not) explain himself and clear his name.

The first is safer, but the second could help him in the long run.

Evan slowly goes down the stairs, making soft steps as if to act like the house is empty; it makes no sense, he isn't being robbed.

What is there that a burglar would even want? Nothing much besides his laptop, or the living room TV.

Focus, come on. Deep breath, open the door, is the last thought he has before his shaking hand twists the door knob and pulls the squeaky front door open.

"Jared, hi. What are you doing here? It's... late."

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. I tried calling, but you didn't answer."

Jared is standing in the doorway, hair wet from the rain and his face painted with concern and sadness, but it feels more raw then it had in the bathroom earlier.

It was anger, earlier, but now it's worry.

Plain worry, Jared is worried about Evan, which he never is.

"Oh, I'm sorry... damnit- I was asleep, taking a nap upstairs."

Jared doesn't need those specifics, he knows that Evan sleeps in his bed. He steps into the house when he is motioned to do so.

Evan doesn't want him to catch a cold, even though his nurse mother told him that rain and inclement weather don't cause illness.

Jared has something he wants to tell Evan, something to talk to him about and neither of them want to continue the conversation in the entryway of the Hansen household, so they go up to Evan's room.

"I'm sorry," Jared says, pulling off his jacket and setting it near the bedroom door. Evan sits on his bed, fiddling with fixing his just-slept-on throw blanket. "I'm sorry about today. I shouldn't have... it was stupid, alright? I don't know- I don't why I did it that way."

"What do you mean?"

"I should've, y'know, asked at the very least. But I know you don't, um, swing that way, and it was stupid. And creepy."

There are words that Jared is beating around, right there in his mind. Evan's anxiously curious gaze isn't helping.

"Why did you..." Evan starts himself, but he doesn't want to think about it.

Jared can't like him like that, why on Earth would he? What is there that Evan has that's attractive? What could Jared see in him and think-

"I like you," Jared says out loud, then repeats himself within the second, "I like you, Evan."

Evan sits on the edge of his bed and he can't believe it. He almost doesn't want to believe it. Someone likes him, someone wanted to kiss him.

Someone so close and so far at the same time: Jared Klienman.

He is silent and his eyes are on Jared, who sits next to him on the bed and looks back at him, waiting a moment.

A moment before anxious thoughts take center-stage with one word.

"Why?"

Jared chuckles to himself, because the question is ridiculous (at least to himself, it's par for the course for Evan).

"What do you mean, 'Why'?"

Evan's instant thought is to think about that millisecond before Connor's fist hit his face, when his life flashed before his eyes and all he saw was a clear blue sky and tree leaves; he was on the forest floor of Ellison State Park once again. Broken, scared, somehow alive. His next thought is the first time that pocket knife had been used for a purpose besides opening packages and killing time with loose sticks.

A burden, a waste of money and time. The loner-loser who can't bring himself to say, "Hi." to anyone in school and who can't make a simple food-service order for himself. Who couldn't even succeed in getting rid of himself for the sake of his weary-eyed mother, Jared "Family-friend, why-would-I-sign-your-cast?" Klienman, and his dad who can't remember when his birthday is to send him a card or a text message at the very least: Happy birthday, buddy. Hope you have a great day. Love, Dad.

"Because I'm, well..." Evan is hesitant, he can't bring himself to laugh anymore. "Me, Jared. And, and I don't get why you'd like that." A shiver of sorts runs through him, and he closes his eyes.

Tears fall, one by one, then two by two, and more and more. He opens his eyes after a second, and talks as he lets the tears come down, "You couldn't- you wouldn't sign my cast, because we're 'family-friends', but now we're legit friends and you kissed me and you like me and... I don't get any of it."

Jared is quiet for a long moment, but he eventually figures out what to say,

"I'm sorry," He repeats, then stands up. Not to distance himself from Evan, far from it. (During some stressful times, Evan wants closeness and other times, he feels suffocated. His shoulders are tenser than usual; this is an example of "other times.")

He paces back and forth and Evan keeps his eyes down and barely focused on his knees.

"I'm stupid, alright? I have liked you for years, really. But neither of us are popular, let's be honest, and I wanted to try." Jared tells him. The brutal and honest truth, "I thought by being a dick to you, it would get me in with the cool kids, but it didn't. It never has, it's never worked. I'm sorry. You're the one person who isn't an asshole to me and I love that. So much, God."

He almost says that he loves Evan right then and there, but he doesn't. There are some things that can remain in his subconscious. He continues on, "I treat you like shit and I'm not cool for it. But I saw Connor going nuts and I thought, 'There's my chance, I can treat Evan like a reasonable person! I can help him and be a good fucking friend for once!'"

Jared's words come out pained, like he wants to beat himself up for all that he has done. Evan looks up at him after a while, he sees and hears repentance. Though, Jared is far from done. (Evan sees himself in Jared, rambling and explaining and pacing back and forth. It's incredible.)

There's a self-depreciating tone in Jared's voice, one that Evan has never heard before. "I tried to help you today, I cleaned you up and looked over the damage in the... in the gayest way I could, really. I didn't need to get all up-close-and-personal with you, but I did. Because we were in private, I didn't need to be 'cool'-"

Evan stops his rambling and asks the elephant in the room that he needs to know,

"Why did you... do what you did?"

Jared's pacing stops and his eyes meet Evan's. He knows what he means. It's what he was going to eventually reach, but he planned on stalling for a little while longer.

"You looked, I'll be honest, like shit, but you managed to be funny about all of it. And I've never seen you do that. You said something about, 'doing what your heart wants' and you let me keep my hand on you for way too long and-"

He pauses to catch his breath, Evan is hanging on to every single word. "I did what you said, I went with my really dumb heart. And I'm sorry-"

"You don't... you don't have to keep apologizing. I forgive you. It doesn't excuse what you did, but I can't tell you how happy I am that you're my friend. My actual legitimate friend."

It is all Evan has ever wanted, a friend.

In part, he gave up on Jared and knew that there was no point after a while. He couldn't ever get up the nerve to talk to Zoe or anyone else for that matter, so he accepted his fate of being alone.

But then, in his time of need, Jared showed that there is a beating heart underneath the wanting to belong and the desperate attempt to give up any feelings for Evan and his cool-guy act that he uses to get people to laugh at his jokes and invite him to their lunch table.

Jared looks a little stunned, like he is being forgiven too easily (Evan forgives easily, because he has never had to reason to hold grudges against anyone, except his dad) and he asks,

"So... you aren't- we're okay?"

Evan nods,

"Yeah, we're okay."

He now wants closeness. He dries his eyes on his shirt and non-verbally tells Jared to come back to sit with him on the bed.

Evan wants to hug him, in all honesty.

Though, Jared has never been too much of a hugger, which he respects-

"I know I already... y'know, but can we... hug it out?"

They don't need to hug anything out, but Evan takes this opportunity while it's right in front of him.

Jared hold him secure in his arms, longer than a hug typically lasts, but neither of them are letting go.

Evan closes his eyes and he thinks about Jared wiping off his glasses after the meeting with the counselor.

But for the moment, he stays silent.

He feels safe, a different type of safe than he'd felt earlier in the bathroom.

Maybe it's because Jared is hugging him for the first time since they were kids, or that they are definitively alone; in Evan's house at night while the rest of the world settles down.

The rain comes down hard outside the house and the settling world, and they hold onto each other in silence.

Until Evan speaks up softly,

"Were you crying earlier?"

"What? When?"

"After we left the counselor's office."

This is the least vulnerable thing Jared has said the whole night. He admits,

"Yeah... I was."

"Why?"

Jared's hold on Evan tightens,

"I didn't know you- that you were in that kind of pain, but I never asked, because I was too much of an ass." Evan hugs him tighter in return,

"You didn't know, I didn't tell you or anyone until today."

Jared sighs over Evan's shoulder,

"I know but, but I should've at least tried to ask if you were okay; you hide it well."

A little too well, Evan has always been good at hiding his troubles and hiding the ways he copes with them.

"I want to be a better friend to you, alright?" Jared tells him. Evan wants that, too. He wants to hold up his end and be more honest, more truthful, even if it hurts.

His truth made Jared cry, he's never seen Jared cry.

He doesn't want to see Jared cry, he wants to turn a new leaf.

He believes in Jared, that he can change.

In turn, he can believe in himself.

"Alright."

It's a long, tight embrace that falls into silence.

Silence of understanding, understanding of each other.

Today was painful, tomorrow is a new day.

Before Jared inevitably goes home, Evan does thank him, though not how he thought of during the day.

He doesn't kiss him. He tells him how much he means to him and how thankful he is that someone stood up for him.

(He keeps the latent thought that he is glad his first kiss was with someone he cared about to himself. Previously, in his mind, he envisioned being out at a bar to legally drink away his troubles and some girl would be intoxicated and find him handsome when not all-there, and invite him back to wherever she lived. In his life-long desperation for some sort of connection, he would be seduced and get the milestones of a young man's life out of the way, no true feeling involved.)

But, though it was not super ideal, his first kiss was from someone who likes him and that's more than good enough for him.

Jared gets through detention and Connor avoids his glares, though there are plenty of them.

The school psychologist is helpful and she advises Evan to get rid of the pocket knife if he can, though she understands that it’s the one remaining piece of a happy father-son bond he has.

Evan doesn’t get rid of it, but he does hide it in the back of his closet, out of his easy reach.

He gets better at talking to people, talking to Jared at least, about how he feels. He doesn’t feel alone, he is not a burden or a waste of anyone’s time.

Jared goes out of his way to prove this, he has a sleepover with Evan for the first time in years and he has never seen his friend smile or laugh so much in the span of a few hours.

Time goes on and Evan stops needing those painful ways to cope with his loneliness, he isn’t lonely anymore.

Though, he still has bad days. Days where doubt slithers into his mind and he thinks that Jared will leave him once again and he’ll be back at square one.

But that doesn’t happen, Jared is in no place to leave. He isn’t the best with reassurance, but he says enough to get his point across; he’ll be with Evan until the end of time if he can help it.

It’s what Evan has always wanted, a friend to be by his side, to stand up for him and to hug him when he cries and hoist him up and cheer when he achieves something.

It’s what Jared has denied himself for so long, Evan’s friendship and kindness, which he will not take for granted. Never again.

Senior year turns out alright.

It started off less than ideal, but it turns out alright.

[evolvedclown]

this, but people and their kids.

many parents refuse to have necessary conversations with their kids because it’s ‘uncomfortable’ or they’re ’too young’ or blah blah blah. so they let their kids stay clueless until they stumble upon some side of the internet they shouldn’t be on and they’ll learn it all from some random man they’ve never met pretending to be lil’suzy down the street.

kids shouldn’t be learning about ‘sex’ and relationships from their friends at school or from forums online. other 14 year olds don’t understand how consent works. i remember my younger brother asking me once if boys are allowed to say no since they’re supposed to like sex so much.

he was in highschool and he thought that boys weren’t allowed to say no to sex.

kids shouldn’t learn about abuse online (at least on some random website). there’s to many people on here who try to make certain types of abuse seem like they’re ‘not really abuse’ or some other bullshit. to many people who play up ‘dark romance’ as these sexy, desired things but it’s just stalking and manipulation. young teens don’t always get that what happens in fiction, stays in fiction.

people, especially white people i’m not gonna lie about it, don’t talk about race and racial issues with their children. so their kids grow up being like the kids i went to school with. i heard the n-word for the first time in elementary school from one of my white classmates. i got called a porch monkey and a coon in middle school. i got lynching and slavery jokes in high school and there was so much more i don’t wanna think about. and don’t get me started on the shit they’d throw at the only chinese, hell, the only asian kid in our grade.

these kids genuinely did not see what they were saying as wrong bc the adults in their lives never did anything or taught them different. not even the teachers bc ‘they aren’t my kids. i’m just here to teach them’.

a lot of kids don’t take suicide or death seriously. yes, as genz i joke about kms at least once a day, but i didn’t realize how serious suicide was until both my mom and my grandma did it. i never understood how people could feel so bad and empty that they want to take their own lives until my mental health went waaaaaay down in middle school and i tried to talk to my adults about therapy and the told me im too young to need it. that my life wasn’t difficult enough yet to need a shrink.

i, unfortunately, am one of the ones whose never had an adult talk to me about anything of substance growing up and i was lucky to turn out the way i did. but there are so many people who have such skewed views of the world bc they only learned from reddit and their cod lobby.

your kids are going to be learning ‘difficult’ topics whether you introduce it to them or not. so it might as well be you so they’re as safe as they can be.

you gotta be able to say "die"

you gotta be able to say "suicide"

you gotta be able to talk about "sex"

they're uncomfortable topics, YEAH for SURE

because LIFE is uncomfortable. Death and suicide and sex and pain are straight up going to happen. not having words for the way it discomforts you doesn't make it more comfortable, it just makes you less able to reach out about it.

even more vital, you gotta be able to say words like "rape", "abuse", "queer" or "racist". cause we fought fucking hard to name those experiences. to identify "rape" as distinct from "sex" and "racism" as distinct from "acceptable behaviour" and "queer" as distinct from "invert"

like the function of communication is not to minimise immediate discomfort. we gotta be able to talk about stuff that's hard or sucks or causes difficult conversations.

[linkk2146]

coming out of a breakup, i realized how mistreated i really was. what i thought was love isnt real love. what they were doing wasnt right but i thought it was cause i never experienced real love before. i was just then experiencing their version of love, which was wildly wrong.

the same is true for friendships, i never really knew what true friendship looked like because of the people i was around. life forced me to surround myself with new people and theyre the ones showing me what being a friend really means. they do things for me that no friend or ex has ever done for me in the past and sometimes, it can be shocking and overwhelming.

im so used to being mistreated all the time that whenever im faced with real love, whether it's romantic or plantonic, i convince myself that theyre just lying to me, i immediately reject the love and start degrading myself. cause why would anyone ever treat me like that? all people have ever treated me like is shit, i obviously dont deserve this and they probably dont mean it anyways.

im working on believing that real love can exist, in both platonic and romantic situations. im not quite there yet but im starting to allow that mindset into my life. im seeing things that friends do for me and realizing that they really would not be doing this for me if they didnt genuinely care about me. i wouldnt be doing that if i didnt care, so why would they do that if they hated me or didnt think the world of me.

its hard but im learning self-love slowly and theres certainly parts of me still that are rejecting that sort of mindset. i just gotta fight against that and allow me to love myself and value myself. its going to be possibly the hardest thing i will ever do in my life but in the end it will be worth it.

theres gonna be times where i want to give up and want to kill myself, like there always have been, but thats okay as long as i let myself have those moments, acknowledge it and acknowledge that i cant give up yet, then move forward.

i still really dont believe a lot of the stuff im saying yet but thats okay. at least i know. and ill get there someday, even if it takes me weeks, months, years, decades, a century, even after im dead. ill still be working because i just cant accept my life the way it is anymore. i gotta learn my own worth, and make myself believe it, or else im just going to keep getting hurt and keep crying for the rest of my life. i dont want that. i want better. i know i deserve better. i just have to train myself to believe that. i can say that i deserve better all i want, but i still dont believe it and i wont get better until i believe it.

i got things to keep me happy in the meantime; games, friends, wrestling. and as long as i dont lose these passions and lose sight of what my goals are and what the reward is, i think ill be fine.

everything will be fine.

[xcarveoutmyheart]

I wanted some advice (if you can give me some),my partner knows that I'm obsessive about them. Sometimes they are ok with it and other times they tell me to try to change my mindset. What should I do to make them realise that's how I am and it's not going to change? (I'm sorry if I'm asking for too much, I'm just a little desperate for advice)

Hiya anonnie! So, this is gonna be a bit difficult to tackle, but I hope to still be able to provide at least a little insight and help in whichever way I can. I’d like to mention though that getting them to understand or outright accept that you won’t change isn’t really the way in which this has to go. After all, it may give them the wrong impression of you, and might cause unnecessary conflict.

Personally, confrontation is not my thing. If my partner disliked my behavior, I’m naturally more akin to behaving discreetly rather than throw out my entire personality lest I cause a fight. I assume that you refuse to throw yours out too, which I find admirable. There are ways in which you can navigate this, but it’ll really depend on how willing you are to change some aspects of your behavior. (Keyword: Some.)

If you do choose to be confrontational, try not to act on emotion too much. Remain level headed, and speak in a civilized manner. It’s a delicate topic, and you have to really express your genuine feelings, perspectives, and opinions about it. Also try to be patient. Your partner might struggle with understanding it, so it’s best to give them a moment to really process it. Being patient, genuine, and calm may help your partner understand your side more than if you were to full on argue.

Based on all I know this far, I find that both of you need to learn how to communicate and adapt to the other’s needs, whether that be through getting each other’s acceptance and or establishing boundaries permitting or policing certain actions. Communication and adapting is vital here. You both need to find a compromise that suits both of you.

I suggest speaking with your partner about their perspective on your behavior in depth, like citing specific actions and asking them how it makes them feel. You can continue this conversation by expressing your thoughts on your behavior. It’s important to tell them outright that it’s unlikely that you’ll be changing your mindset entirely, and that they have to respect that, but that you’re also willing to adapt to their needs as well (if you choose to do so) without disregarding your own needs entirely.

But personally, there’s an easy way around most conflict here. Behaving more discreetly may allow you to still behave in the way that you do with only few limitations mitigating the distaste of your partner.

Have you noticed any form of action that triggers your partner to tell you to change your mindset? Try and analyze it or discuss it with them if you can. Being able to identify which action of yours causes your partner’s dislike and why they dislike it may help you to plan your next move. If they dislike this action, then don’t tell them you’re doing it. What your partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them, right?

This is a very fragile situation to deal with. After all, not finding even footing may lead to more conflict, so it’s important to consider the implications of your actions before you do it. I’m not sure if this helped much, considering I know so little about the character of your partner, and how you behave (define “obsessive”? It’s best to see things as they are rather than just the category or the umbrella term.)

Nonetheless! Hope this provided some insight. Feel free to follow up on this!

[galacticlamps]

I can’t believe that a) Toby Hadoke read out some of the quotes from Joe Orton’s diary to Frazer Hines and b) this interaction occurred on the publicly-available dvd commentary of The Moonbase

[astralcities]

okay, first off–we're not gonna play this game where you pretend to be cordial and then post tags like these. right off the bat, this shows you don't actually care about listening and learning like you said. this is not about me being a hater. this is about me calling you racist. you don't get to pretend this is a silly internet fight where you're being attacked out of nowhere. getting called racist isn't ridiculous. it shouldn't be like christmas for you. it should be something you actually reckon with.

because you're very clearly a child, i'm gonna pretend your post was in good faith. so: 1. rap as a genre is intertwined with the black experience. dismissing rap as Pussy Pussy Pussy is racist. no, you don't have to like fast-paced music. but not bothering to try to understand the experience of others because you're white and middle class and australian is racist. treating rap as a monolith is racist. typing out tags being condescending (yes! you were!) to people who are rightfully claiming that dismissing rap as worthless is racist is....racist. 2. yes, you can look things up on the internet. i don't really care how long you've had access. your lack of curiosity is not my problem. if you can type up your initial rant, you can get over your own complacency and do the learning you say you have no objection to. 3. do yall realize its okay to just. not listen to something is condescending btw as is the overall tone of your message. i know we're both autistic. let's not pretend your tags weren't all in the vein of "are you people serious 🙄" 4. i don't have a fucking bias or whatever. i'm not "pulling out the white artists" or anything. i'm pulling out the ones i listen to. for sentence one, you literally admit to having a biased worldview moments later. for sentence two, if all the rap artists you find palatable are white, i just want you to think for a minute on why that might be 5. i don't connect with the genre - probably because i'm a white middle class australian teenager who was raised listening to katy perry and my struggles are completely different to the topics i've seen/heard mentioned in rap music[...]because i don't live in the goddamn usa, thank heavens jack stauber is usamerican. katy perry is usamerican. please think for a minute about why you find it tough to relate to black americans and whether that's worth unpacking. you connect to dogs and computers and other americans. examine your worldview. 6. why should i listen to music i don't connect with? broadening your experience is vital and having this kind of myopia is deeply embarrassing. other peoples' experiences matter too. but like i said, not listening to something doesn't make you a villain. whatever, i'm not your mom. that's not the problem. it's assuming you can't connect to the themes in rap that's antiblack and racist. you're making a faulty assumption that rap can't be about sunshine and rainbows and dogteeth. that rap can't relate to you because it's about certain things only; that it's, like you said, about pussy pussy pussy. if you learn nothing else from this, if you dismiss this as baseless hating, this i what i ask you take from this: rap is a diverse and varied genre like any genre. your assumption that it's fundamentally uniform is antiblack. your initial tags, on a post about people dismissing a black genre and favoring white artists, shows a fundamental lack of care about the conversation. you are literally identical to the first set of tags in this over all post. this whole post is mocking people like you and refusing to even think about dissecting that...and instead leaving tags about how people are allowed to dislike things...is racist.

black people are not totally alien to you. 6. hope this brings you as much entertainment as i got out of yours! read it at the tea shop several hours ago. put genuine thought into this post. hope it was worth it. this isn't like...a fun and games post. i am calling you racist. this 60k note post is literally all about people calling people like you racist. again, your lack of care is fundamentally a very very White Teenager thing. i'm not entertained, i'm fucking sad and disgusted that you're acting this way and then reveling in the fact that someone called you out on it.

fuck killing a victorian child by making them listen to hyperpop all you gotta do is make a white tumblr user listen to rap

[matcha-narancia]

Can i request hcs for the cruasaders(minus iggy) having a small and sweetheart s/o but their stand is literally a terrifying 9ft tall kuchisake onna( the slith-mouth women)

This is from ghostwire tokyo and sorry for low quality pic i couldn't find a good one

The Crusaders with an S/O who’s Sweet and Small but has a Terrifying Stand

𝐀/𝐍: First off, thank you for the request love! The idea is really cool and I hope you enjoy this request!

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠(𝐬): Some spoilers for Part 3!

Jotaro Kujo

- To be honest, I feel like Jotaro wouldn’t be too shocked about your stand. Surprised, yes, but not shocked. From the moment he met you, he sensed there was a strength you had that you had yet to show him, and he was glad to finally see it when you first brought out your stand!

- He’s actually quite interested in your stand, too! He finds it interesting you possess such a stand with your stature and personality, and he’s glad you have it! You decided to join them on their crusade, and he already knew you were strong to begin with, so having your stand too will help them a lot!

- He’ll definitely tease about it on occasion, but is genuinely happy when you two get to team up and take down a stand user. You both enjoy confusing your opponent and making them think they’ve got the upper hand before revealing your stands and making them think again.

Noriaki Kakyoin

- Kakyoin is definitely surprised to see your stand! You, his sweet and small beloved, wielding such terrifying power in the form of a kuchisake onna, it was hard not to gasp aloud when he first saw it!

- Kakyoin does get over this shock however, and while interested in it, he’s also just a bit terrified too. He knows you can keep it under control, but he’s heard stories about them from his classmates, and can’t help but feel a little scared too. You reassure him though that she’s alright, and it helps him! Kakyoin hopes to get over this fear as you all travel together, and he does!

- You two are able to combine your stands efficiently too! Kakyoin distracts enemies with Hierophant Green’s emeralds, and your stand goes in for an attack while they’re busy fighting them off! You’ve taken down many opponents this way, with make a great team!

Jean Pierre Polnareff 

- The first time you brought your stand out, Polnareff thought it belonged to another stand user, and threw his arms around you saying Silver Chariot would protect you. However, with a nervous laugh, you let him know the Kuchisake onna was your own, and his jaw dropped. 

- I imagine he’s very openly terrified at first, but grows used to it over time! In the beginning whenever you bring it out he actually cowers behind you, but the more and more you bring it out, he starts to recognize it and even look forward to it coming out! After all, he knows whenever it does, it means you two are gonna fight some stand users together!

- And speaking of fighting, you two work on ways to combine your stands and come up with effective techniques! Like the others, this usually involves one of you fighting first, and the other taking the stand user by surprise with that of your own.

Muhammad Avdol

- Avdol actually isn’t too surprised when you bring out your stand in front of him for the first time. You had told him stories about it beforehand, and though it’s slightly different from what he envisioned, he finds it quite interesting!

- Avdol is a man always interested in learning about culture and its aspects. When fighting with your stands, you take the time to tell him about her, and how you unlocked her too! Avdol listens intently, and usually follows up your tellings with more questions of his own! He’s very curious!

- And of course, your fighting together leads to you both developing somewhat of a technique! Whether your stands are coming out together, or one after the other, Avdol lets you know him and Magician’s Red have your back should any foe hurt you!

Joseph Joestar

- And finally Joseph, who I will admit was probably the most terrified of all the crusaders when you allows your Kuchisake onna to appear. He immediately screamed and ran behind you, yelping about how terrifying it was. However, with a laugh you patted his shoulder and told him she’ll only attack your enemies.

- He takes a while to get used to your stand... and oftentimes you’ll have to fight alone since Hermit Purple can’t really do too much offensive damage, but you make do! Even if he is terrified, Joseph slowly gets over his fears, and eventually its your stand that takes an interest in him! Whenever its out it’ll act really sweet and shy around him, much in contrast to how it takes down your opponents!

- You two manage to find an effective strategy, with Joseph using his stand to bind and hold enemy stand users while you bring out your Kuchisake onna to deal the final blows! In the end, whoever you’re up against are left terrified, and you two are left standing proud after a battle!

↳ 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐬/𝐑𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝! ♡

[dav3katz]

How about some headcanons with a gender neutral s/o that’s moirails with Eridan? Extra points with the two having witty banter and platonic teasing. Tysm in advance!!

I absolutely love moirail hcs thank you for this ask 😈

Eridan Moirail hcs

- Let’s get one thing out of the way before anything else, eridan has probably felt red for you at a point in time, or thought he has, and as a result has at a point in time flirted with you. Most likely before you guys went pale, since I don’t think he’d wanna go through what he went through with Fef again, and would have a better understanding on friendship to understand that he didn’t wanna ruin what you had, or has come to the understanding he doesn’t even like you and he just feels a kinship towards you.

- but all that shit aside !

- eridan is a good moirail.. or as good as he can be.. he’s learned from his experience with Fef, and since no redder feelings are there, he’s much.. better

- like he opens up to you a lot about his issues, so long as you don’t harp on him for it too much. He won’t wanna tell you things if you tell him how bad certain things he’s doing are. It’s best to just suggest to maybe not .. try to do that and maybe he’ll listen

- but yea! Vents to you a lot.. a little too much in solluxs opinion, but why does his opinion matter?

- eridan loves gossiping with you. Tends to gossip more about sollux though to be fair

- likes doing your hair, makeup, nails, stuff like that. If you’re comfortable anywways (haha)

- he won’t let you touch his hair though it takes forever to do, he gets so grumpy when you mess it up. You can do his makeup and nails though

- we all know he’s got that huge clothing selection, he’s rich as shit. You’re the only person that’s allowed to wear anything of his

- but he’s all like “no that wouldn’t suit you try this instead”

- if you like dresses, you get to wear the nicest ones

- eridan is like so good if you’re trans because he has such good outfits to make your gender feel sexy

- buys you a lot of things! Even if you tell him it’s fine, he insists. He’s royalty, he should take advantage of that.

- constantly pestering you, whether it’s cause he needs to vent or just wants to talk to you

- if you ever form a relationship.. it will certainly be interesting especially depending on who you get with considering his relationship with any other fucking character in homestuck but hey

- I think he’d generally be like accepting . Like . You being in a relationship? Big deal that’s a normal part of any persons life but as your moirail he’s gonna make sure this person is good for you

- like even ignoring the blood caste bullshit, he needs to know they’re good for you

- If they happen to be a filthy low blood or human be may complain about that but he doesn’t have a genuine issue ? (Disregarding the fact you may be a low blood or human because you are the only exception to his shit rules that he doesn’t even believe in)

- but god forbid if it’s sollux because oh my lord that is just horrendous

- but even if not sollux has to serious ask how I’m the hell you tolerate him still like, even Fef is confused about it and sollux can barely understand how Fef ever tolerated eridan

- “eridan can be a good person!” “Yeah riight that2 liike me 2ayiing EDP445 ii2nt a pedo” “oh you did not just go there!!” “Oh ye2 ii diid”

- but eridan is also kinda protective ok in the romantic aspect! Very much so.. he believes his moirail deserves only the very best

- but he’ll cool it if you really want him to lmao

- buys you like jewelry if you like that sorta thing

- his protective nature towards you runs deep, in fact if we’re talking story wise in the actual comic he may have killed fef and sollux if he felt they were a danger to you

- brings you up in convos a lot, like little things just remind you of him

- but also kinda scolds you like a mom for dating people he doesn’t like . “You can do so much better seriously”

- has you wear his cape as a form of comfort

- like he’s not the best at comfort but he tries, he listens to you vent and he offers advice but it’s not the best advice ever. He makes up for it with the awkward pat on the back

- he’s so awkward with physical affection but also craves it so he asks you awkwardly to hug him lol

- but you two would absolutely tease eachother, bringing back the romance aspect I can see him teasing you for your crushes and just being like “yeah it’s embarrassing howw bad your crushes are, like I swwear evverytime you talk about a neww one i think, ‘holy shit it can’t get wworse than this’ and then it does”

- it’s ok just make fun of his crush on fef