#genuinely it feels like im being bullied for being autistic but im not going to say that to them

[afallensmessage]

Ive noticed a bit more traffic on my blog since i sent those messages

Im not going to publicly engage with that blog any further but just so it's on record: i tried to clear things up and understand what went wrong and was ignored. I'd usually hesitate to say that so soon after sending a message, but given that both of the public humiliation responses were made in less than five minutes after sending them as well as the fact that op has continued posting since sending that message, it feels safe to say that after twenty minutes they arent planning on responding.

[tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors]

im such a big fan of the linda public school vs homeschool debate i think its a really interesting conflict, because obviously roman was homeschooled and it wasnt really beneficial towards him (which virgil could probably sympathise with regarding all of his mortal friends being terrified of him briefly), BUT also trying to tell logan or even patton that public school is the best option for their fae child is so obviously gonna be a problem, and then even when roman saw how logan was treated he didnt see how young it started and how much it was ingrained in him that he was wrong, and virgil didnt really see any of the worst of it so trying to commicate why its such a concerning idea is going to require bringing up some unpleasant things. but ALSO linda is not logan ((is it fair projecting his experiences onto linda or by trying to protect her are they gonna cause a complex anyway where she internalises being fae is wrong?)) or roman or patton or virgil and either choice could be uniquely beneficial or damaging just based on how she responds to her environment, which is impossible to actually determine without some trial and error, and id bet good money they dont want to risk the "error" part at all

just a very cool and interesting debate i feel, i enjoy how everyone has so many reasons to be so emotionally invested

thank you so much, you get exactly the vibe i was going for. the dichotomy of roman and virgil who were so so lonely as children due to isolation, versus logan and patton who were so hurt because of bullying, putting them in two very different camps as to what's best for their kid, makes it SUCH a hard conversation to have. they pretty much start having it the moment she's born and it continues for the next two years, and its the closest to genuinely angry they ever really get with each other. because theyre all really stubborn, but they rarely disagree on something this important so vehemently.

compounded by the fact that they dont yet know if she's going to age more like a fae or a human, and that being a visibly-6yo in middle school would theoretically make that issue exponentially worse

tentatively, im thinking that she will be homeschooled until she goes to college, and also that thats kind of one of the reasons why she doesnt do as well as she hoped. she had structure (in a house full of autistic people, you bet she had structure) but also a lot of freedom over dictating that structure, and the freedom to deviate from it when she needed to (in house full of ADHD people, you bet she was allowed to go run around in the yard whenever she needed a break).

so in college the combination of 1. less structure in the sense that she has less support network and people to hold her accountable and 2. less freedom in the sense that you can leave whenever you want in college, but the class doesnt stop and wait for you to come back, means she doesnt have the skills to make it really work for herself, especially compounded with the fact that she's emotionally much less mature than her peers

and that fucking sucks, for her and for LAMP. because you can debate for years, and you can do your best, and you can do everything right, and your kid might still wind up with baggage because of something you did. something you did and believed in your heart of hearts was the best thing for them.

the world is big and full of sharp things and you cant actually wrap your kid in bubble wrap. the bubble wrap is also full of sharp things, in this metaphor that immediately ran away from me.

all you can do is just keep stocked in bandaids, and hold their hand while you put it on.

[oceanwithouthermoon]

i dont know how to articulate this correctly but... sometimes i think about how saiki is so mentally disconnected and isolated from other people, and his powers make it feel impossible to understand them, esp because he hasnt had any faith in humanity since he was a kid (hes also so autistic but shh he probably doesnt know yet)

and so he truly doesnt understand the nuances and complexity of love+friendship+relationships etc... so imagine how confused he could get during times where his relationships get deeper/more complicated

examples ?? (warning for very brief sa+abuse+suicidal thoughts mention in the second one) -

accidentally making one of his friends mad and hearing their thoughts, which are purely from frustration and anger in the moment, about hating and not wanting to be around him.. makes him think they genuinely dont want to be as friend at all anymore, so ONE argument makes him think hes ruined his friendship with them forever and he doesnt think to just apologize, immediately shutting down and just "going away" instead because he thinks thats actually what they want

not understanding why people feel sympathy for him when he talks about tragic things in/about his life, especially when he even dulls it down as to not reveal his powers, (ie: his brother literally trying to murder, humiliate, and borderline sa him OR having one or multiple bullying incidents in elementary school that caused him to lose all his friends and change schools OR saying that the only reason he decidedly hasnt offed himself yet is cuz itd make his mom sad) and mentioning those things a little too casually, then thinking people are trying to pity him and telling the people who are just trying to help to shut the fuck up ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

^a specific but not quite as angsty one, offhandedly mentioning once that he had a big crush on a guy from another class but he helped set them up with someone else even though it upset him, because he just wanted to see him happy and he never had a chance anyway (bro was def straight too) and his friends being like ...hey thats really sad im sorry you felt like that :(( and him being like ?? whats sad about that. hes happy, and its not like im completely devastated or anything. shut the fuck up.

teruhashi getting over her crush on him and no longer seeking him out as often, and he's immediately upset and confused because now he thinks that she ONLY cared about him when she thought she was going to get something more than friendship from it so he doesnt believe she ever saw him as a true friend..

(similar to the first one, slightly different situation) getting into an argument with one of the friends he sees every single day and still expecting them to at least BE there the next day, and when they arent because theyre avoiding him, his first thought isnt "i should seek them out and apologize" its "wow it was so easy for them to just let go of me, i clearly have formed a dependency and feel like i need them more than they need me. especially now that i know they dont feel the same, i should sever that attachment."

SO YEAH anyway, he genuinely does not believe that he has anyone he can trust enough to actually talk through this stuff with+doesn't even think its that bad so he just sits and tries to feel numb at the bottom of the ocean or on the moon haha what a guy...

[slowdrippingnoise]

I cannot stop thinking about Fords dream. Plan sexual? Is this aroace confirmation??

"Attracted to planning" my ass. What happened to attracted to strange and the strange was always attracted to him?? You are a weirdo, except it

I an aroace and i was concerned that Ford will be straight in TBOB but now i am just confused???

I see you want to scream about the book of bill. Please scream at me i need someone else in this madness

OK!!!! so this is an extremely interesting question, and my perception of it is very heavily influenced by this interview being fresh in my mind (you've probably already read/watched but if not go do that it's great) towards the end you can find alex answering a question about ford being interpreted as queer- and basically talking about how ford is written as extremely romantically/interpersonally repressed in general- I won't try to summarize it i genuinely recommend just going and reading that, he describes it all better than I could (and again maybe you already have idk)

I feel like the tbob dream note could be taken a number of ways (and, while I wouldn't actually ask it cause i feel like leaving it up to imagination is actually more interesting in a creative engagement kind of way, i'm desperate to know what hypothetical answers are hiding behind that "usually" oh ford) but the thing that sticks out to me is. i mean it's very difficult to read it as straight isn't it. ford has recurring dreams about being quizzed on "what he's attracted to" and consistently dodges the question (doesn't even give a straightforward answer like "nothing", he misdirects back onto his logical smartguy persona) it's definitely a nod to fans too, sure, but in-character it's no-way-out firmly establishing that his sexuality specifically is on the Grand List of Stanford Pines Insecurities. we definitely got a nod to this way back in j3 of course- the ford&fidds campout conversation- but this i think this new tidbit betrays a much more internal fixation/anxiety than "it's confusing to me and I don't really want to think about it for more that a minute at a time" (<-the vibe his j3 stuff had more of to me) TL;DR whatever he is, i do not think you can call this man canonically straight at all lmao. W

(ok i'm losing track of my own thoughts a bit here. i should've outlined this like an essay lmao. back on track-)

In terms of what I personally believe/headcanon? honestly i'm in a funny in-between place right now- if you asked me last week i'd just say "he's gay probably" but this has me Thinking now in a more "ok, what cooperates best with canon and how I personally view him" way and the "ford aroace" people are making some interesting points. my most recent idea of him that i've been rolling around in my mindscape like a shiny rock goes basically like this:

(putting this under a cut)(also this goes wildly off-topic for a while because i love talking about ford. i promise it is tangentially related and relevant to my argument)

ford is repressed in how he deals with people because people are confusing and often scary (history of bullying and ostracization, we all hc him as some kind of autistic, etc.), and this extends to how he views romance/sex- if you don't see yourself as safe/belonging among other humans it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself in such intimate dynamics with them (accepted, loved) and ford is very well established to close himself off to keep himself safe. the prospect of "romance" is by default more unsettling than it could ever really be comforting to him (within his ability to imagine it, at least) outside of the rarer "what if i was just normal and nobody bothered me for existing" fantasy, which is its own can of worms,,

another part of this is my (more arbitrary/i know because im right forever/because i lived it) hc that the elder pines twins' parents didn't really love each other by the time they were raising stan and ford, it was more of a "we both pay the rent/keep the family going, we may not strictly like each other and yeah there's a screaming fight or two every few years, but divorce is off the table because it would leave us both financially up the creek, so you do what you gotta do" situation. which has the potential to do. things. to how you think about Traditional Ideas of Couples and Suchlike. take my word for it.

another important part, though i find myself getting technically off-topic for a ways here, my apologies- i've been thinking about ford's Patterns with his attachments, in that he generally has one Main Person to focus on and trust at a time, and for a most of his life these attachments end Badly- throughout his entire adolescence he has stanley as that person, they exist in constant contrast to each other, their own self-perceptions are defined by their existence as a duo, covering for each other's weaknesses (to the extent that they can ignore traits in themselves that "double up", so to speak- stanley is the dumb muscle and ford is the booksmart genius with potential- no way out of that)(their dad affects this too)(oof) he and stan have a really awful falling-out that leaves ford with the belief that his One Person was willing to sabotage his future, completely disregarding ford's own feelings or sense of security and agency, just to get his way. (strike 1.5? against ford's ability to trust people) --- in college he attached to his roommate, fiddleford- and they genuinely get along and compliment each other really well! they're besties for life! yippee! so ford has a Person again, to exist next to, to prop himself up. but their lives go in different directions- they both move on with their studies/careers, and ford winds up in gravity falls, alone, where he has trouble again interacting with the locals and spends all his time wandering the woods, with endless hours for introspection. --- enter- Bill! :) bill becomes ford's 3rd Person, and he flatters ford and manipulates him and validates him and offers him everything he could ever shallowly imagine would solve all his problems and patch up the gaping hole in his self-worth forever definitely (while reminding him of what he remembers/imagines of his brother most likely, ow) bill is also more "safe" than other people, he's an anomaly, a supernatural phenomenon, even, and he lives exclusively inside ford's head. he's a perfect, safe, obsession target. (billford situationship essay for another day)

until he's not, of course.

until his college bestie Person is back too, and he's more Real than bill in a way that's very comforting, but fidds is another strong influence, one for the better, and bill can't have that around, he has to go. after that his relationship with bill also turns sour extremely quickly in a terrifying way, which leaves ford shaken and unmoored and desperate, which leaves... stan.

which also falls apart. (strikes 2, 3 and 1.5-the-sequal in rapid succession)

the 30 years spent multiverse-hopping are interesting to me too in how they affected ford- i think being around so much "abnormality"/being disconnected from his own world's ideas of normal did a lot to mellow him out- but he still couldn't really stick around anywhere to form deeper bonds with anybody, he's a wanderer until bill is dead, which may well end up killing ford in the process, so...

then! he's back home! which is bad! (from his perspective) but gives him the opportunity to try to Attach to a 4th Person- dipper! this was a secret essay on why i think he's Like That about dipper all along not about romance at all haha trick'd'ya! (i'm joking)

anyway you get the idea- fortunately he has a slightly wider support net by the end of the show between stan, fiddleford, and the kids- but to me it's relevant in that ford has a very limited network of people who he is close to at all, considering that his view on romantic relationships seems to orbit around "don't wanna think about that/that's scary, I don't know/etc.", and that for a long time the relationships(platonic or otherwise) that he did have were defined by their ending in trauma, guilt, and shame. it makes sense to me for him to not really be able to figure himself out, how do you dissect all the layers of the bonds you do manage to form, tease out one strong emotion from another, especially when you're always afraid of ruining something because this is all you have?

I guess, given all that rambling, to me he lands within some combination of demi-aroace(attraction of any kind is rare and difficult to distinguish from other emotions, needs a strong base first) and too repressed and deeply, deeply traumatized to really say what comes naturally and what's his brain trying to protect him from being hurt. he knows that something is, by the standards of humanity, "wrong" with him, but it's just another note on a long list of "reasons normal people don't like him". and he's gay.

-----

ok i probably forgot some stuff but i think thats my thoughts on that lmao. anyway BOOK OF BILL this makes me. so crazy. hasnt left my brain for days. i will never be the same i called these shots i CALLED them. but i couldn't imagine. anyway-

while i'm still talking about ford, i love that this book let him be more emotionally vulnerable than j3 did, i feel like there was a harsher impression of ford among fans for a long time (at least, with people who weren't already Obsessed with him) because he has limited time in the actual show for his character to be established, and a lot of j3 either had him on the defensive, or still stuck in "everything ever is my fault" mode. getting a better view both of how bill manipulated him, and how he's still affected by it "postcanon" puts him way more in line with. how i've seen him all along basically!! augh. he's lonely and insecure and afraid and wants so, so badly to connect to people,, "the ego of a king. the insecurity of a circus freak." compare to "my immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex" we were so right.

his last section of the book is. so so perfect i'm so glad we have that- it wraps up what felt like a loose end with other pieces of canon leaving him on "i'm the biggest idiot in the world" which felt. bad. all things considered. but tbob lets him air out that soul-crushing shame in such a beautiful way- both in letting us the audience actually See how it was with him and bill before, and his family reassuring him that they love him and don't carry some massive sense of Blame for him being manipulated... it hurts good man. perfect place to end on. he's gonna be ok it'll be ok.

related- possession pages go crazy. like that is some "i've read fanfiction less fucked up than this" shit and I [the rest of this sentence redacted for my dignity] what was i saying. the dream scene was so viscerally upsetting. the "light switch". the stretching. (alex drop a link to your ao3 account. urgh) bill is so so so scary for that brief moment which is an amaaazing essential addition to the book that actually made me feel horrifically personally sorry for the little bastard for the first time maybe ever. i mean this so genuinely he's the worst he's been he's the saddest he's been it's a beautiful tapestry drawing me in. it's gonna occupy my brain for weeks. maybe months. he's desperate to hold on to ford he's desperate for his plans to work for once and he's pissed as hell but also now he has an excuse to cut loose- he doesn't have to hide his angry, shitty, abusive side from this little human that he's grown so attached to(who he sees himself in)- he can see ford and ford can see him (or, what he's willing to think of as "himself")(where did you all go-) and ford is just living a nightmare that he couldn't have possibly imagined. incredible

i'm practiced at being emo about ford i've been emo about ford since 2015 but the bill thing is new to me (not strictly the lore, i was around for the reddit AMAs/the axolotl poem, but the elaboration-) and it's killing me. he's so fucked. he's hopeless. he's fucked himself up so bad and refuses to get any better because just looking at it inside his head is too much. there's a loud buzzing in his ears and he blacks out for 30 seconds. everyone loved him he was the best baby ever. sixer, it would eat you alive. the doctor says three sips a day will make the visions go away. where did you all go. he's fine, he's fine, he's fine. it's all hitting me fresh like it's brand new, funy nightmare triangle abandonment issues go brrrr-

he wants ford to want him so bad he wants to not be alone so bad. hes awful he ruins every chance he gets and it's all genuinely his own fault. fuck (im not gonna talk about "pain is hilarious" im not gonna be cringe im not gonna do it) blacked-out list of exes love and fear are the same love cage you're my property if lost return to bill cipher covered in blood all alone in the universe-

I was gonna elaborate on those last scraps but. i am running out of brain. big week for ford enjoyers. big week for me being so so sad (/pos) ☀️

[autisticlee]

when you're autistic and can't mask and genuinely don't know how to talk to and interact with people, but you really want friends or something.....people tell you "go to places and ~just talk to people~ it's easy" but when you ask how to talk to people they say "just say anything" but you're super confused because any attempts to try to speak either end in getting completely ignored, bullied, or worse, because you're "weird and creepy" and can't say things right, make everyone uncomfortable, and making strange noises to communicate when you can't speak actual words isn't acceptable. that's if you can even physically say anything at all! because if you struggle to speak in general, then it's game over before it even begins. small talk seems simple because you can script most of it, but I can't even do that irl. even online when I do it, it never goes past that. i never feel connected to people, get bored/uninterested, don't know what to do after, and don't know when it's appropriate to start talking about special interests, if at all, because most people dont share my interests at all

no one has advice for that besides "just do it" and no one is ever patient or kind enough to try to engage themsleves, because no one understands how hard speaking is! it's always expected that *I* initiate everything and have to do all the work because im the one that wants a friend. no one is interested in me first, so no one will be the one to initiate first. i've gone to things alone, awkwardly did everything alone, tried to talk to people and failed, but no one approached me first or tried to converse and be friends. if someone did try to talk to me, i'd be so overwlmed with sensory processing disorder that i dont hear them and before i can try to clarify what they said, they walk away. my processing speed is so slow that i cant react before they get lost in the crowd.

I always end up extremely overwhelmed, burnt out, and need to find a quiet place alone to have at least a few meltdown or shutdowns. i'm struggling and suffering the whole time, but i'm "just doing it" because people keep telling me I need to "just try" and no one will help or support me and my needs and struggles so I have no choice but to put myself in dangerous situations where I can't be fully aware of my surroundings because i'm so disabled by my brain. I don't know how to behave if i'm not following and copying someome i'm with. instead I just dissociate until i'm not present and i'm unaware of myself and everyone and thing around me, while also being painfully aware of all the sensory input that wants to send me into meltdowns.

realistically, I don't think I *should* be going anywhere alone. I need help. I need support. I've gotten into near trouble with strangers who see me as an easy target but somehow got lucky and got away. I can't ask got help if I need it. I can't scream if one of those strangers got ahold of me. actually one DID get ahold of me once. I don't remember how I got oht of it. i dissociated so bad I have no memory after being grabbed...I don't know how to react to trouble correctly. I don't know basic common sense needed for being out alone. *I* know i'm in danger by being out alone but everyone in my life ignores my needs and struggles and forces me to either do everything alone or rot in my tiny dark room alone. so I decide to prove to them doing things alone is dangerous and doesn't help me. i'll tell them the dangerous stuff I got into they don't care. they just lecture me for not acting normal.

but I try. I try so hard. I hate every moment of ot and never get anythjg out of it except misery and pain and mental and emotional turmoil. but people don't believe me that i'm actually trying because they swear it will work if I "just try" so I keep trying and keep having a horrible time. it always ends in me feeling horrible physically and emotionally, being burnt out and disappointed that i didnt make friends like i was told i would just by going there alone. going to places does not mean you automatically make friends!!!!!! everyone else goes there *with* friends. they aren't looking for new ones. people who are good at making friends don't need to go places to make friends, because they already have them! so no social person who is good at talking and really nice is going to be there looking for friends, see i'm alone, and become my friend. hell, most social people talk one look at my awkward ass and turn the other way. they dont want someone awkward around them. my first impression is horrible. that's what people judge by. it's expected that i'm the one to try to break into a group of people and sell my soul to them and make them want to add me to their already established friend group. but i'll never know what group i'd fit in. I barely have the social energy to be around a crowd of people. how am I expected to interact with even a single person??? when you don't have the skill, social energy, or general ability to do any of the expected social stuff and cant mask on top of it, you have no other choice but to accept being alone forever...😞

[thegeminisage]

ok, now that i've watched all of tos (none of the movies yet...) i am going to do the top ten worst and best episodes, according to Me. they are as follows:

WORST EPISODES

10. the savage curtain - idk who thought putting abe lincoln in a cage match with the vulcan version of ghandi against like, ghengis khan and space hitler would be a good idea. but it wasn't. i did like seeing the vulcan father of logic though like "im gonna go sacrifice myself for peace" ok king

9. i, mudd - all of the mudd episodes are bad. he's not charming at all whatsoever. however, this one is better than the other one because uhura gets to pretend to sell out kirk and they're SOOO cute about it. her little giggle when he PICKS HER UP BY HER SHOULDERS and tells her how proud he is. PLEEEEASE

8. charlie x - the entire premise of this episode is that the bad guy is just autistic. and then they make him live on a planet without people because he can't adjust to normal life ???

7. shore leave - obvious racism of this episode aside, the faux-irish jig that played while kirk was being menaced by his extremely unfunny old bully nearly drove me over the edge. we DO love a good mccoy death fakeout tho

6. a piece of the action - if i had any interest in gangster films before this it's all gone now. that being said. i loved when kirk drove the little car. he was so bad at it. he was so happy.

5. mudd's women - like he's literally just selling women?? and the plot twist is that secretly they're ugly?????

4. who mourns for adonias - this is just "what if ALIENS build the pyramids bro" except for the 1960s. nail in the coffin for this one was kirk proudly declaring they didn't needs gods - because they already had the One God, thank you very much!

3. the paradise syndrome - WHY WOULD YOU HAVE NATIVE AMERICANS MISTAKE KIRK FOR GOD. WHY. like i know why but Why. i think the very worst part of this episode was that it had an amnesia plot that would have FUCKED if you had simply removed the people. if there hadn't been people in this it would've been in my top 10 episodes. i think this broke me.

2. the omega glory - this is the same as the last episode except there's no amnesia, and also the "native americans" are white cosplayers who worship the american flag and mistake kirk for god because he can recite the pledge of allegiance yes really. if i had a nickel for every time this happened i'd only have two nickels etc etc at least kirk didn't knock anybody up in this one ig

1. patterns of force - why would you make your two jewish leads wear swastikas and then literally be whipped by nazis. i know he's such a bad person but not even william shatner deserves that. number one worst episode everyone says it's omega glory but it's this one

BEST EPISODES

10. plato's stepchildren - this episode is hard to rank because like it's both good and bad. the torture scenes were genuinely upsetting, especially the ones at the end w/ spock & nurse chapel, because they weren't just violence being inflicted on tied up guys, but they were SUPPOSED to be upsetting, like it was literally the point. and also this episode bears the distinction of THEEE kirk & uhura kiss. literally historic.

9. the trouble with tribbles - i feel like everyone's heard of this but it really is as good as everyone says. sometimes 1960s humor doesn't translate to 2020s humor but it was genuinely hysterical start to finish. also, the distinct trilling sound was so imprinted in my brain i recognized it in the 2009 movie where i had never registered it before.

8. the naked time - aside from the KING SHIT george takei pulled with the fencing this episode also contains the "i am in control of my emotions [sobbing]" moment and kirk & spock LITERALLY having a slapfight. this episode has everything. an absolute masterpiece

7. the empath - i feel like this paired with "the world is hollow and i have touched the sky" really made me a Bones Understander. i feel a little bad about that bc everyone says the characterizations in s3, or actually that the season as a whole, is kinda shaky? but i watched without knowing that and i feel like i Get It now. also, this was the only score i went and relistened to on spotify

6. tholian web - the spock & mccoy episode ever. there's so many things to say about this from the death fakeout to kirk's little space suit but what TRULY got me was the instant and totally nonverbal agreement to lie straight to kirk's face to both preserve personal dignity and troll the shit out of him (while chekov and sulu are like also silently laughing as they listen in no less). what this episode made me realize was that it's a good thing they argue all the time and make kirk play referee because if they were on the same side kirk wouldn't stand a chance. like he'd be finished.

5. the city on the edge of forever - ok, so, this episode made me feel like i was having a mental break. the time travel. spock's little hat. when he watches kirk kiss edith and then goes back into their room to pretend he didn't see anything. mccoy and kirk basically hugging at the end when edith bites it.

4. requiem for methuselah - the first time i watched this i was kinda like :/ because how does kirk fall in love with a woman in FOUR HOURS? that aside the ending scene blew my tits clean off. i paced around my house for like 30 minutes going "what the FUCK was that" because i couldn't simply lie down and sleep after seeing it. rewatching the episode with uh. new context made me like it a little better. but even if it had been garbage the last scene shook me so thoroughly it would still need to be on this list. i'm getting wound up just thinking about it. number one most shocking tos moment.

3. the dagger of the mind - look, i understand that this episode was technically just run-of-the-mill stuff as far as everybody else is concerned but they put james t kirk in a little brainwashing machine. and the machine was shaped like a chair. and it gives people amnesia sometimes. i don't know how i'm expected to behave normally

2. this side of paradise - this is the episode where a flower jizzes on spock and gives him feelings. and look: it's really funny, and there's a lot to love about it. but the ending where kirk hurls verbal abuse at spock for a solid 92 seconds WITHOUT STOPPING followed by: spock beating the shit out of him until he gets his logic back. i have rewatched this perhaps 1,000 times at minimum. what the fuck were they doing

1. conscience of the king - this episode got me into this mess. i don't think i can elaborate further without significant self-incrimination. let's just say what happened was i thought "oh i'll just watch this one tos episode for context for the fanfiction" and one month later i'm writing fic about [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

ok, that's my list. i thought about doing honorable mentions for episodes that had scenes i liked even though the overall episode didn't make it into my top 10. but then i realized that would mean recapping basically the entire series and this post is already too long. i do have to give the pon farr episode a shoutout though because even though so much of it was offputting there was literally a titty window in kirk's shirt. like, it's the pon farr episode. ok NOW i'm done

[lovesick0cupid]

on one hand i despise being told i dont seem/act autistic bcuz i was literally a stereotype when younger and it feels like it erases all of my incredibly incredibly autistic and traumatizing childhood where i was bullied and othered for my autism all of the fucking time. on the other i hate it bcuz i still have almost all the same symptoms as back then i just look prettier so ppl dont want me autistic anymore bcuz they dont find me genuinely repulsive, which they stereotype all autistic ppl to be to them bcuz???? they are horrible people. basically.

like. yeah i never spoke freely as a kid unless with trusted ppl/over text? unless if spoken to and then i would just respond with like. yes, or something simple and 1 word like that. and i only spoke abt my interests, which i would know Everything abt and collect for. and hated all food and almost all clothes bcuz Fucking Sensory Issues. and i had like almost no facial expressions, would never do eyecontact, and had really bad body language outside of that. and the list goes on.

but i like. still do that?????????? I STILL DO THAT?????????

the only difference is that as a kid i was basically if carrie and tomoko kuroki were fused together to make one very fucked up agoraphobic blonde lil eyebrowless autistic kid, and now i look like misa amane and im on antidepressants so i dont want to throw up everytime i go outside and have to experience People.

and its crazy to me. bcuz as soon as i stopped being 'ugly' to these people my behaviours became cute quirks like a manic pixie dreamgirl instead of like. Disorders And Disabilities, to the point they refuse to believe i experience problems bcuz i look fine.

[streetkid-named-desire]

Rat, it’s a blessing that you were removed from the server because you’re STILL stirring drama proving exactly why you got booted. We made the right decision, you are a black hole void of drama and it never stops with you.

You sure are tough when you’re saying horrible things about everyone else and talking shit then you run and cry to tumblr with your “waa waa why everyone so mean to me =(“ at any minor criticism or when someone tells you to stop making them uncomfortable. Get a mirror and look at it real good because you are awful.

how am i the one still stirring up drama when i stopped posting about it on like tuesday outside of some personal reflections about social skills and being autistic lol

yesterday someone replied to a post, two days after i stopped talking about it, that i deleted and blocked the individual. today, three days later after my last post, i get this anon.

all i did was defend myself from a public accusation that i was purposefully spreading misinformation. then i get banned and blocked for something i had no idea i was doing outside of the p**ky shit because no one told me it was upsetting. and so because i couldnt defend directly and talk through whatever the fuck was going on and settle shit amicably and like mature adults i posted my reply

the only drama i take responsibility for actually starting is the shit with the flat chest lol anything else has just been me using my personal blog as a personal blog where i talk about my thoughts and feelings around the game and writing and modding and people more popular than me in modding

i really do not understand this obsession with me. is it because i refuse to back down? refuse to conform? refuse to make myself palatable? like sorry im abrasive? sorry im uncompromising? sorry i stand up to bullies and am open about my distaste in the social fabric of the modding community?

i dont think you people understand how tumblr works and how personal blogs work and what it means to vent on tumblr? maybe you should get your own outlet to also scream into the void like me so you can be normal and courteous and nice in your direct one on one interactions. you know, compartmentalize your shit and just treat each other like coworkers you dont like.

anyway, stop looking at my blog and finding things to pick at lol it doesn't matter. none of this fucking matters y'know? it's a fun hobby. just let it be a fun hobby.

something that is very painful but very good to cultivate is resisting the urge to have the last word, like you're trying to do now. it's especially hard if you're prone to rejection sensitive dysphoria but here are some cognitive behavioral skills that can help too (CBT gets a bad rap for like trauma therapy especially but it is useful when your thoughts actually aren't helpful and are irrational)

Perspective: Remind yourself it really, truly doesn't matter and is an actual waste of your time and energy. You deserve to feel good and arguing and cyberbullying and shit just makes you feel bad. I should know, I was a cyberbully in my early 20s exactly because I was so so deeply depressed. But, whatever conflict you got going on is just a blip on the radar as my mom would say.

Do you have all the facts? If you're sitting there and stressing and making assumptions about how someone feels or what they think, remind yourself that you can't read minds. There's no point in stressing if you don't have all the facts.

It's okay for people to be wrong about you: Not everyone has to like you or approve of you. It's normal to want that from your peers, but you have to learn to be comfortable with that not being the case. Again, perspective. Unless it's someone you genuinely care about and want to maintain a relationship with, it doesn't matter!

Let the emotions wash over you like a wave: This one is the absolute hardest, especially if you're autistic, because it's such a physically rotten feeling. But it will help. Put the phone away, lay down, and just cry. Don't be afraid of your feelings. Imagine you're in the sand at a beach, close to the tide, and just let the feelings wash over you and your body like a warm, soothing wave. They'll go away, you just gotta feel through them first.

idk it just sucks to see this because i've been where you are and it truly does just make you and your life so much worse. it will make you happier to just let shit go. to just move on. to accept that people are allowed to and may not like you and that's fine. they don't matter. i don't matter to you. i'm not doing anything but sitting here writing my little stories, taking my little pics, making my little mods, and just having fun. and occasionally venting!

move on with your life. i mean nothing to you anymore. i have no nefarious plans or deeds against you. that's why i blocked you on everything. because i don't care anymore.

and yet here we are with an anon message three days after i posted my last reflection about being autistic in fandom.

[tem-tem-timmy]

ramblee abt autism incoming

Beingggf autistic is not “silly” i fuckinggggg hateee it guhh,,

having a character as a special interest is silly until its a factor on you not ending it all

i HATE talking about being autistic publicly because of the amount of ableism i’ve experienced from my family [mostly my dad :smiles:] and just how glorified ppl on the internet have made it??

i don’t have a lot of safe spaces and to be blunt im terrified of even saying im autistic without someone going in my ear “URMMMmmMmmMm U cannn write, talk, walk and shit fine uRRR nOt AUTISTIC?!1?1! UR JUS SILLYYT” LIKE STFUU PLZ. ive had to basically monitor the times ive said “autistic” and jus autism in general to ppl because i do NOT wanna come off as those “haha autism is so zilly gayz UWU OwO!!! *stims cutely*” LIKE EW I HATE THOSE TYPES OF PPL /gen /neg

don’t get me wrong there’s things about it i like: i probably wouldn’t be as creative without my autism being a factor of myself and having clive as a coping mechanism is wayy healthier than a lot of coping mechanisms i have done in the past. i think its just eternalized ableism that makes me think otherwise. plus i do not owe anybody an explanation on my autism at all, having it in my bios isn’t for aestheticz its a genuine disability i struggle with [ESPECIALLY my depression and anxiety as well].

i do not have a lot of safe spaces because like said my dad has made me not feel comfortable talking about my autism and plus ive gotten bullied and shit for it so bad to the point ive just resulted in not bringing it up for my own safety. and also i have a bad habit in the past of being to much of a “vent whore” publicly and being wayy too tmi so ive been trying to keep my cool publicly. um idk i just wanted to ramble cauze its been bothering mee, being online is kinda my only safe space for me to be myselff so yuh

[psychiatricwarfare]

oh, i am So Glad you asked

so my experience with medical professionals has been Incredibly Negative but i want to start this off by acknowledging how lucky i am to have at least two medical professionals that genuinely try their best to help and care for me and i would be lost without them.

now then, i was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD at a very young age, however the doctors failed to inform my parents anything about what this actually means. this, ultimately led to my parents not having any idea of how to properly address my needs as they differed from others. this resulted in trauma from years of being misunderstood by peers, family, neighbours, etc. and had Anyone told me or my parents at any point what ADHD and OCD actually are, i wouldnt be struggling so badly now

when i was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression at 12, i was sent to a therapist who told me to try not taking my antidepressants for a while to see how i feel - something she absolutely Did Not have the authority to do - and to not tell my mom about it. when my mom inevitably found out, she completely ghosted us

at 13 i started getting severe abdominal migraines that kept me out of school for days at a time (this turned out to be stress) and if i did go to school, when i got home i would pass out (something i only found out years later when i learned that you cant remember if youve passed out because your brain blocks out 2 minutes before and after). at the time i thought i was just getting light headed and my vision would go purpley black for a second and stop. since i was home alone during this as well, i didnt have anyone else to tell me i had passed out. so after getting a MRI, my neurologist told me there was nothing wrong, good right? No!!! after switching to a different neurologist i discovered theres a Very Visible cyst on the back of my head pressing against my occipital lobe that could be a serious threat to my vision!!!!! i was supposed to have a follow up MRI that the doctors just never scheduled and it was never brought up again

even the best therapist ive ever had to this day would laugh at me when i brought up how on our First appointment she said it sounds like i have autism and after doing tons of research that i agree and think my dad has it as well (something ive brought up with him and he also agrees which is insane bc he usually disagrees w me on everything). she would laugh at me saying that she never said that and that i dont seem autistic to her at all (despite nothing making sense in my life unless looked at through the lens of me being autistic).

when i got a psychiatrist at age 18 the first thing he did was yell at me for not telling him i had a dissociative disorder i Didn't Know I Had. then proceeded to say to me that all of my struggles i was describing was very clearly autism but he wont diagnose me because "clearly [im] very self aware and intelligent. Autistic people don't realise they're being bullied." he then told me the ONLY way to "cure" depersonalisation-derealisation disorder was to buy this $500 book and go to a nearby clinic that doesnt take insurance. oh he also managed to lose my prescriptions in a database that you supposedly cant delete anything from somehow. he actually said to me, "are you sure i prescribed anything for you?" and i had to show him the bottle with his name printed on it

when i told my therapist about having a dissociative disorder she told me that she knew that already and that we had apparently been working on it for Years and so clearly her treatments arent working if i cant even remember that i Have the disorder in the first place and told me i had to seek therapy somewhere else bc she cant do anything else for me than what shes already tried. this is the best therapist ive ever had and she would not only laugh at me for bringing up that i clearly have autism and dropped me as a client bc i was too severe of a case for her

ive had therapists reject me before we even started because my case is too "severe" for them

now, im dealing with physical issues as well. ive always been a very active kid- gymnastics, dance, cheer, mma, snowboarding, etc. - and i always had this light ache in my legs for as long as i can remember. now, i always thought this was normal but apparently it is Not. the pain started getting exponentially worse in recent months however, resulting in me having to use a cane to walk, ice and stretch my legs frequently, and even collapsing at work and forcing me to have to quit even more recently. i told my doctor and she.. prescribed me vitamin D and norhing else. i tried to keep pressing it and her response was, "try the vitamin D and see if that helps!" it has not. after speaking with my dad's gf who has chronic pain in her legs as well, she showed me that vitamin D can, in some cases, worsen bone pain!!

these are only a few stories i have of the professionals who ive seen being unbelievably Wrong about their supposed "area of expertise" but theyre the ones that i can name off the top of my head! i also strongly urge others to add their own experiences if you want to, positive or negative <3

crazy how every mentally ill/disabled person i know, knows more about psychology than most psychologists i know

absolutely wild how every physically disabled person i know, knows more about them than almost every professional i know

its almost like they should listen to us or something

[tears-of-boredom]

...today was so fucking tiring. and tomorrow i have to do it all over again.

i. its like. I know that if i actually just go, and make it my routine, it'll get easier. ill get to know the people so i dont need to stress over strangers, ill get to know the social practices and traditions that are unspoken. ill get used to early mornings. i just. I have to Do it. you know. i have to actually dedicate myself to this. because its only going to make things worse if the only thing im thinking about is how i want to do something else.

and I know i can do it. i did it last year with the fucking,, primary school i think its called. i know that im able to adjust, and when I get into the routine, i wont even want to like, stay in bed or just play on my computer.

the just like,. like muscle memory, except mental as well? like unconcious memory? like, it feels like my body just remembers how my whole school life has been, and reacts like it always has. so like. i am actually a bit unsure about how to go about dismantling that. like i need to make my brain realise that this is a different situation. that i have a decent support network, that i can actually relax at home, that i have the opportunity to alter my schedule!

that is like. a big thing. i have to have the courage to actually talk to someone when im facing a problem. because there will be a solution. and trying to suppress all my issues will be way harder than just fucking using the resources that are literally given to me. the school system is not actually as horrible as i make it out to be. at least not this specific school. there is faculty whose entire job is to help students with whatever issues they may have.

i just. I have never been good at asking for help. not because i didnt think i needed it, but because i thought someone else needed it more. even conserning things or resources that are not limited, like fucking advice.

i was gonna say that i hate myself, but thats not true. i hate that i wasnt properly taught essential life skills growing up. i hate that those skills are so difficult to learn later, because you've got to unlearn the coping mechanisms you created in place of them.

any time i was in the vicinity of non-new students, i felt like they were making fun of me. they definetly weren't, but considering how my last class was in primary school, its honestly not that weird that my brain defaults to that.

you know. i never considered it bullying. because no one threatened me, or stole from me, or beat me up, or hurled insults at me.

but it definetly was. i didnt feel physically unsafe, yeah, but i was constantly so fucking anxious and stressed, just waiting for them to do something. the way I'd race to every class, just so i could have that small moment of peace that came with sitting in an empty classroom, knowing that the rest of the class wouldnt show up for a few moments.

yeah i didnt feel physically unsafe, as long as i hid my rainbow flag keychain charm.

i feel like this is something schools should focus on more. instead of pushing "tell a trusted adult if you or someone you know is being bullied", they should like, like just advise kids on how to recognise bullying.

like, i was not social, by any means. i didnt go out of my way to speak to people. you know, i had anxiety. and also im autistic. i felt isolated from the rest of the world.

but you know what also makes you feel isolated? bullying. it makes you feel like nobody genuinely likes you, like your value is determined by how fun it is to annoy you. and it makes insecure people, like me, feel like the bullying is worth it. because no one would talk to me under other circumstances. they're practically doing me a service by interacting with me.

i dont wanna call myself stupid, because it makes sense that it took me this long to recognise this. if a child admits to being bullied, and you dont intervene because they said "its fine, it doesnt bother me",, you're not good at stopping bullying.

like just, even if the kid turns out to be right, the bullying doesnt affect them at all, not in the short run, nor in the long run. the bullies are still a problem. like, you dont stop bullying by protecting the vulnerable people from the meanies, you stop it by disabling the ones doing it. make there not be anyone who would do the bullying in the first place.

like this is genuinely just basic problem solving. you see a problem, you find out whats causing it, and then you fix the causing factor.

you dont just keep buying goldfish when your cat kills each one, you teach your god damn cat to not kill the goldfish.

i. im just so angry. it seems like every year, i realise that some case of suffering ive experienced wasn't "inevitable" at all, and actually its just that the adults in my life greatly failed me. again.

but everytime i convince myself that its not their fault. that for some reason my psyche just makes suffering inevitable. its an endless cycle that just completely destroys my trust. towards strangers, towards adults, towards myself.

but this has been going on for so long, from such a young age, that like. what the fuck would be left if i unlearnt this shit. everything's formed into such a cornerstone of my very being, that itll be as hard as,, unlearning how to speak. learning to stop your heart from beating.

im so tired, like, physically. ill see if I can sleep, but if not, ill try and find the courage to go tall to an adult.

[candle-wax-and-polariods]

posting some of taylors songs i relate to and why because i feel the need to (bellow cut) TW: bullying just incase

The Outside: im autistic and have been constantly bullied for being different than my peers in almost every place ive gone

If This Was A Movie: cheerleading, specifically when i got my first injury in the sport

Mean: again bullying

Last Kiss: my childhood best friend

Nothing New: i was a favorite whilst i was gaining skills by overworking myself and when i stopped i became nothing new

Now That We Dont Talk: my old really shitty freind

This Is Why We Cant Have Nice Things: my old coaches who punished me for traits i cant control

The Archer: anxiety

ME!: i genuinely dont think theres a person out there like me

Cardigan: my current friend (yes singular yes i know thats probably not good)

My Tears Ricochet: cheerleading

Mirrorball: my breaking entertained people for years because doing the breaking was fun for them

This Is Me Trying: my mental health and maladaptive behavior

Mad Women: im a female living in todays society thats angering enough to relate to this song

Happiness: cheerleading

Dorothea: my childhood best freind (same one as last kiss)

Its Time To Go: cheerleading

Anti Hero: insecurity’s

Your On Your Own Kid: ive always been sort of alone (ive had very little ppl in my corner) and parts of the song are very relatable

Bejeweled: everytime i bounced back from an injury in cheer (i was still bejeweled)

Whos Afraid Of Little Old Me: cheerleading

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: cheering through the lowest of lows

I Hate It Here: maladaptive daydreaming

Thank You Aimee: my childhood bully

The Prophecy: cheerleading

[auckie]

Do you have any more autism child stories?

i have so many, most either involve me genuinely believing im about to be killed as a consequence of doing something really batshit autistic or just being a huge bully and asshole in middle school (but like, in an autistic dipshit way). but the first two that comes to mind that's sorta on par with the cars post in terms of like, clusterfuck, is when this kid in my like elementary grade class didnt show up to school one day. turns out his dad passed away in a car accident, and so we were asked to make cards for him. i loooved to draw the stupid paul frank monkey

remember this thing? i would doodle it everwhere. so when it came time to do our cards, i put three of these things on the card, doing the 'see/hear/speak no evil' poses, and on the inside i think it just said like 'sorry your dad died </3' or something completely tone deaf. his best friend, who i had a huge crush on, stopped me and was like. no way in hell youre giving that to my best friend. his dad DIED. i don't remember if i turned it in to the teacher or not, but i do remember that i was really mad about it, and didn't understand what i did wrong, so come the end of the day, when we had to pick up and stack our chairs, i picked mine up and rammed it into him, ripping a hole in the ass of his pants. and for some reason, i didn't get in trouble. i never did despite like physically aggressing kids in front of teachers all the time, because i was smart and shy and i think they must've assumed i was just defending myself? not true at all. anyways, this second part isn't directly related, but they happened within days of each other and so i assumed it was like punishment for my actions: my mom left some country crock lemonade powder out on the kitchen counter one day, and i took a huge scoop and ate it raw right before she walked into the room and said 'oh yeah, don't use that lemonade powder because i poured paint thinner in it.' and then walked out. and i like. yknow i was like. tails gets trolled horrified face! my dad was always joking about paint thinner related deaths, so i KNEW, i knew if i had ingested it i was done for, but i didn't really understand how long it would take, or how i would feel because i was too little to think about these things critically. so i assumed i was going to die, but i was too shy/sad/embarassed to say anything about it, and for the rest of the week i was like writing out my own eulogy, last will and testament, my last rights etc. and i had this little magic 8 ball toy from mcdonalds-- it might not've been a magic 8 ball, bc i remember it being both dexter's lab themed and also lion king themed...but regardless, it was something that answered 'yes/no/maybe/try again later' when shook or spun or whatever. and i kept referring to it like it was Gd's way of speaking to me, trying to figure out when i was going to finally hit the bucket. i was my name is earling everyone too, and they took notice bc i would leave like little chocolates at my parents bedroom door like a cat leaves a dead bird for its owner, and when i they finally beat what was wrong out of me, my mom LAUGHED! at me being so absurd. like i didn't think i was going to fucking die for a solid week as punishment for shoving a chair leg up another kid's ass, for trying to prevent me from mocking his dad's death.

[transhuman-priestess]

#my story is much smaller so ill leave it in tags feels disrespectful to add on after that#but in my freshman year of high school some kid lied that i was going to shoot up the school#cause of some angsty emo stuff i posted on my private Instagram (literally just goth makeup)#and the admin who already didnt like me for being a lil emo kid tried very hard to expell me#they legally couldn't so they didn't+ my mom lost her absolute shit at them#youd think that's nice but my mom considered it my fault so she took it out on me too#i was in highschool in *2014* these attitudes still prevail#i never felt safe in that school because they refused to expose who did it#i never tried to make friends because my entirely elementary/middle school experience was already#that common autistic thing of thinking someone genuinely wants to be my friend but they're judt#pretending so that they could use things against me later/hurt me just for fun#private schools i think get away with more heinous shit than people realized because for the 4 years#i was there i was being harassed by both students and faculty and i had absolutely no support#my mom told me it was my fault and for months forced me to dress 'like a normal girl'#the whole thing really fucked me up i still have a complex over the notion of being feared#because ive expérienced firsthand the violence people will enact out of fewr#and the way people will claim its justified even if youre innocent because 'you scared them they had to'#i never even reported being bullied except when it was by 1 teacher who i knew was getting fired#i wanted to add my experience w her to the reasons to fire her. she is the only person to have#ever faced consequences for anything#man high school is miserable im just now remembering lmao. i also spent those 4 years trapped with#the girl who tried to assault me as well. never reported that either cause i knew no one woulr give a shit#when it comes to fancy private schools theyll only handle something if it makes them look bad#and if youre innocent but they think your existence makes you look bad then god help you.

prev this isn't minor or small and your voice deserves to be heard.

For those of you under about 25 I don’t know if you realize just how much damage was done in the first decade after Columbine by the myth that the shooters had been victims of bullying.

Like this was just completely accepted as truth at face value and it made every bullied kid’s life a living fucking hell of being hauled into the principal’s office or the school cop’s office (the school cop itself being a post-columbine invention) anytime you got beaten or reported being bullied.

And then the 10th anniversary rolled around and whatever weird legal thing surrounding Eric Harris’s journals expired and people got to read them and found out that actually he was just a thrill killing creep who wanted to outdo Timothy McVeigh but was hampered by his inability to solder.

Literally the entire motivation was just to be famous for mass murder. And rather quickly the narrative of the poor little meow meows just got totally memory holed, but I remember. I remember because I was one of those bullied kids, treated as a ticking time bomb because of a media friendly narrative that cast a couple of children turned spree killers into a hallmark-channel tragedy.

[syscoursehell]

TBH i cant stop thinking like. if autism was de-medicalized and I said "I cannot work in environments with too many lights or noises" I wouldn't be autistic, I would be just... Picky. Maybe in an ideal world people would respect me disorder or not but not im this world, people always want reasons

i was thinking about this yesterday! people are so awful and unwilling to accommodate disabled people and just saying "i cannot be in this room because the noise is distressing" would be seen as just "oh they're picky and annoying", but being able to ask for accommodations because i need them and whoever i'm working for needing to comply because i am quite literally disabled is genuinely important.

adding onto that, the idea of autism being demedicalized doesnt sit right because i can still remember being younger and having no idea why people hated me. bullying me for shit i cant control/things i dont even know im doing/etc. finding out i'm autistic was so powerful because now i have an explanation! now i know! now i can use these coping skills and can better explain myself! now i can actually find community and not feel so alone.

if that were taken away, we'd just go back to being "weird/strange/crazy" and alienated from our peers with No Explanation. idk about anyone else but that would suck

[silverdoesntshipall]

HeY wHat are YOuR Nagito Komaeda HeAdCaNonS

Oh thank you for asking "anonymous" whom i am unaffiliated with (looking kind of good though not going to lie...)

Sexuality Headcanon: Homosexual without a doubt (VERY STRONG MAYBE demiromantic, but regardless men-only) . It still pains me to see people CONTINUE to suggest that he could even POSSIBLY like women even if it were completely unrelated to their gender. Nagito likes men CANONICALLY. He was elbow deep in mikans pussy and he had never even batted an EYE. (in fact, he looked DISPLEASED more than anything.) I sincerely judge other people's character analysis comprehension if they even THINK Nagito might be even the SLIGHTEST bit interested in a woman. (also low that theyre letting a weird not-fitting character ship affect a literal unarguability for Nagito) (im wording this exaggeratively on purpose) Gender Headcanon: Transgender male. People really be widespread headcanonning Hajime as transgender just because of his fat tits but everyone is just glossing over how transgender as fuck Nagito is. He literally can never breath because he binds 24/7 and people are ignoring his struggle. (also because he has asthma) A ship I have with said character: Komahina/Kamukoma - literally canon. I don't think I'm swaying the annoying anti-komahina people (who are annoying. its more based to BE the "good side" of fandom yourself rather than to let annoying people ruin genuinely good things for you.) by being matter of fact and intentionally "im right your wrong" but komahina is literally canon. Though Nagito is the bottom of BOTH parts shut up Hajime is awkward and nervous but Nagito would just slide underneath him in spread-eagle Mikan pose. (Also Kamukoma is good and underrated pls draw more) A BROTP I have with said character: Monomi and Nagito- literally a therapy bot and someone who violently needs therapy (And exclusively dr3 Chiaki and Nagito but people never portray them in a way that appeals to me and ISNT a "annoyingly casual webtoon moment") A NOTP I have with said character: Komanami and Komamiki. Could you guess why? Though more seriously besides the sexuality issue I just dont think either of them would get together well at all. Chiaki's way of therapy/advice wouldn't suit Nagito very well, her way of thinking being usually straight-forwards and 'going with the flow' kind of behavior (AKA she doesnt seem like the kind of person who would always take Nagito's tangents seriously bec shes ditzy and she isn't the kind of overly-negating person Nagito would be better off with) -- Mikan however should be OBVIOUS WHY NOT. Mikan's entire personality is "shy and bullied person who is secretly very shitty" (considering she gets a power trip from making her patients dependent on her NON-DESPAIR). She is overly apologetic and insecure and so is Nagito and they would fight over who is worse until they both put themselves down to the point they BOTH just feel like shit (which could be humerous but not healthy). Not to mention everyone who ships them forgets that she literally jabbed one of Nagito's insecurities knowingly? (She mocked him for being alone/having no one when he is afraid of dying alone AND LIKE YEAH you could argue she was despair-mode at the time but like still sooo cute guys) A random headcanon: He is autistic with autism and im right and the fact that people portray him as neurotypical/just "quirky" is ummm? dumb?. General Opinion over said character: He is very misunderstood and misread and its annoying (though not surprising because the dr fandom is notorius for that). But otherwise he is a very VERY shockingly well-written character. His personality is very enjoyable to me and I wish that the dr fandom had the same 3rd eye I have and didn't rely on the fact that he's gay for his personality. (AKA everyone bases his personality off of that ONE sassy nagito sprite) I AM VERY PLEASED HE HAS BECOME ONE OF DR'S MOST ICONIC CHARACTERS and he is one of my most favorite characterz. (Also the people hate him for being popular/be like "ughhh hes such a smelly (asian slur) XDD" are annoying)

(Yes I take constructive critism but I will argue against all of it.)