#genuinely i will have a bargain bin section. like heres the charms and new ones

[lokh]

jesus christ i have a lot of leftover stock from past cons 😭😭😭

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Duke Nukem Forever

I like to kick off each new year with a truly magical review. Remember when I kicked off 2018 by reviewing a Jesus porno? Let’s be real, I peaked with that one. I’m not even gonna try to top it. What I will do, however, is talk about something I’ve wanted to discuss for a long time: Duke Nukem Forever.

This game almost needs no introduction; its stay in development hell and its tumultuous development is the stuff of legends, second only to Half-Life 3 in infamy among gaming vaporware. And it somehow managed to stay in infamy because despite releasing, UNLIKE Half-Life 3, most people who bought it really wished that it hadn’t. It turned out Duke was in the oven a bit too long, and the game we got was a mediocre shooter that was already out of date by several years when it finally released, not helped by its potshots at better series and use of extremely dated memes (Leeroy Jenkins? Really?). 

Thankfully, I was divorced from this decade-spanning drama, being barely aware of the game until a few years back. Being a fan of Duke as a character - he is a loving spoof of the kind of action heroes I enjoy after all - and curious about the game after reading the fascinating history behind its development, I ended up playing it and… I thought it was okay. Yeah, I was expecting a lot more from this game in either direction, but it ended up being a rather middling, decent experience.

So let’s talk about what’s unironically good first: the interactivity. There are a LOT of little things Duke can interact with around the world, from a whiteboard you can doodle on to a functional pinball machine. None of this is groundbreaking by any means, but there is a certain childish thrill from picking up a turd from a toilet and flinging it around or from smacking some alien wall titties. There’s even an enjoyable dream sequence where Dukeis at a club that has tons of interactive elements in it! The fact that a lot of these interactive elements can lead to increases in Duke’s health is an added incentive to spend time doing them.

I actually enjoy some of the level design in the first half of the game, in particular the segments where Duke is shrunk down. I don’t know about you guys, but there’s something I really find charming about hopping over fryers and climbing through conveniently placed holes in the walls of a shitty fast food joint. It’s the sort of stuff I imagine when I’m bored at work. If the whole game had been as creative and fun as these parts and had expanded on the interactivity more, I think this would have been worth the wait a bit more… but unfortunately there’s more to this game.

After the first couple of segments, the level design plummets. The portions where Duke has to drive through the desert are especially jarring as they are incredibly barren with little to do or discover. This is then taken to the opposite extreme when you get to the final area, the dam, which is downright labyrinthine at parts and absurdly difficult. You will likely not die any place more than in this level due to the ridiculous number of enemies they cram into the tight corridors and underwater sections. It makes you wonder if this area was made so difficult to hide how short the game is - things wrap up after the dam level ends, with one ridiculously easy final boss left once you escape.

Then again, you may be thanking your lucky stars this game is mercifully short, because Duke and the world he inhabits are pretty intolerable. The entire world has become a monument to Duke’s ego, with just about everything revolving around him. Duke is like a Mary Sue escapist fantasy - a huge macho man who kicks ass, takes names, gets blowjobs from twins and his genderbent counterpart (apparently it is Bombshell’s model behind the glory hole in Duke’s dream, so he can literally go fuck himself), and is adored by literally everyone. And yeah, Duke was always kind of like this… but somewhere along the game’s journey somebody forgot that the tongue of the writers is supposed to be firmly planted in their cheek. The issue here is that the game is taking everything about Duke DEAD SERIOUS. We’re supposed to see Duke as the supreme god-tier badass who makes Master Chief and Gordon Freeman look like pussies, but it’s hard to buy into that idea when we are only told this while playing as him is just an unfun chore.

And maybe this would be better if they had polished up Duke’s character a bit, but he’s really inconsistent. Jon St. John is still absolutely fantastic with the voice and the delivery, there’s no denying that, but he unfortunately is portraying a really lame iteration of this beloved character. I think the point where I lost faith in this Duke is when, after finding the blowjob twins trapped in alien cocoons and begging him for help, Duke’s response is to just tell them they’re fucked. This is in stark contrast to him going apeshit when the aliens stole his babes, and is yet another sign the writers just didn’t GET Duke. Duke is an overly-macho chauvinist, yes, but he DOES care about babes. He’s more Johnny Bravo, less conservative pro-life blogger. Here though? This is just an uncharacteristically misogynistic response, and it is never commented on again. It’s just so jarring and bad that it kind of hampered my enjoyment of the game.

Still though, there is something halfway charming buried under the garbage. There are flashes of fun here and there that show promise of a better game, but they are always ultimately crushed. I feel if this game had come out in a more timely fashion with the innovations it does have, it would be considered revolutionary, but alas, we don’t live in that world. Half-Life 2, Halo, BioShock, and countless other franchises came and redefined what an FPS could be while this game was floundering between studios, leaving it so that when this game finally dropped, there really wasn’t anything special about it save for its protagonist, who himself felt like a relic from a bygone age who had become in earnest the very thing he once parodied so effectively. 

It’s hard to really recommend this game; even among first-person shooters, which tend to age like milk, this game has aged very poorly. If you’re curious about it like I was, well, there are worse things to pull out of a bargain bin; the game is dirt cheap on most consoles. Generally speaking though I’d say just get the equally cheap yet infinitely better Duke Nukem 3D; it’s frankly amazing how much better that game has aged despite it being a game released in the wake of the original Doom. 

What the future holds for Duke is rather unclear; at the end of this game he says he’s gonna run for President, but I dunno, the idea of an overly macho, violent, misogynistic celebrity becoming president is pretty far-fetched, riiiiiiiiiiight? Let’s not end this on a depressing note that reminds us of the bottomless stupidity of American politics, though. Let me tell you the one genuinely good thing this game brought to the world:

I brought the cover insert of the game to be signed by Jon St. John at a convention, and when I presented it he said in a tone that clearly was used to being dunked on for the game “Be honest, what did you think of the game?” And I told him, “There were a couple parts I didn’t like, but overall I thought it was fun,” and the guy just lit up. It just made me really happy that someone liking this dumb game brightened his day like that, and honestly? It wasn't a lie. I did have fun with this game, despite its flaws, and if it let me brighten the game’s star’s day by saying I enjoyed it even a little, I’m glad it exists.