#genuinely have no one besides the few people irl that i barely get to talk to or hang out with because im too busy working my life away. im

[ouellette]

[gabagemf17]

April TC challenge

even tho its may now//

1. What is the most adorable thing your TC has done?

Everything B does is pretty cute, but as I mentioned in her other post its probably her eyes getting all wide and soft smile when she's excited ab something.

2. On a scale of 1-10, how intense are your feelings towards your TC. Why?

I'd day around an 8-9/10. It's been a slow burn from platonic crush to genuine attachment to romantic/sexual attraction.

3. Does your TC have any cute quirks/habits? If yes, which one is your favourite?

There's a couple things, but I loveee the way she speaks, it's very theatrical and melodic, even when she's just talking to me . (Long dramatic sighs, "but alas...", etc.)

4. If you could change one thing about your TC, what would it be and why?

Her love of country music. Definitely unexpected coming from her, and I'll certainly put up with it, but I hate the genre myself.

5. If you had to confess your feelings to your TC, what would be the perfect way of doing so?

I'm not sure. I guess all I can picture is me, shortly after graduating (over 18), alone with her. Maybe we're at a coffee shop. She broke up with her fiancee before they got married a few years ago and I mention it offhand. "You know, I always used to have a crush on you, B"

6. When having a TC, what is the most important thing to remember?

Teacher/student relationships are really always immoral, and you certainly shouldn't express feelings when you're a minor, this can make them either extremely uncomfortable or potentially put you in a place of danger. Keep it professional/friendly.

7. If you had the chance to re-live/change one moment with your TC, which one would it be? And if you wished to change it, how would you?

If I could, I would re-live the hug I received in the hallway after my dog passed. It was really hard and we had presentations to do that day and I was so tired and barely able to contain my tears. She talked to me through it and told me she'd really rather spend her time with me in the hall than in the classroom. Before we went in, she said "Can I give you a hug? I don't wanna be weird" And ofc I took that opportunity, and as expected it felt really nice and comforting. I'd like to do it again one day in a different context.

8. Why do you think people fall for their teachers?

It can be a lot of things, but from what I can tell it stems largely from the support and maturity from the teachers that they may be lacking in other parts of life (parents, yourself, etc.)

9. If a close friend/relative frowned upon the fact you have a TC, what would you say to change their opinion?

I probably wouldn't. People that don't get it, don't get it. (That's like I'd tell someone irl in the first place)

10. If you went out on a date with your TC, what do you think they would wear?

Depends on the date. Probably not somewhere stuffy. I can see her wearing her pretty normal clothes. A cute sweater and some jeans, pair of slip ons.

11. List 1-5 of your TC’s best qualities.

Her intelligence, her humour, her sweetness, her smile, her eyes

12. How would you feel if you found out your TC had feelings for another student?

Well besides it being ILLEGAL, I'd probably be crushed. I'm one of the few students who really appreciates her, most of her students treat her like shit and take advantage of her.

13. What do you find most attractive about your TC?

HER SMILE IT GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES :)

14. What is your TC’s reputation around school?

Young, pretty, and too nice for her own good

15. If you had to serenade your TC, which song would you choose and why?

Cause' I Love You- Johnny Cash <3

16. What hobbies does your TC have out of school?

Witchcraft and anime (:

17. If you could travel anywhere in the world with your TC, where would it be and why?

She mentioned always wanting to go to Scotland, so there fs.

18. Imagine if you and your TC were in a relationship and lived together. Describe the perfect daily routine. (As a bonus, how would you split the chores?)

I wake up at 4:45, make two cups of tea. She wakes up shortly after and we sit on the balcony and take turns reading to each other. I make a small but filling breakfast that she eats as she gets ready for work. As she's at work, I finish most of the housework, and I start working on my comic. I take a short break to paint, and she comes home to a large painting of herself in the easel and freshly delivered takeout on the table. We eat and she tells me about her day and I massage her shoulders while we drink our evening tea. I then put on some netflix afterward and we fall asleep together.

19. If you found your TC visibly upset and/or crying, would you comfort them? If yes, how would you go about it?

I would place a hand on her shoulder and offer a listening ear, as she's done for me more times than I'm willing to admit. Maybe hold her hand in mine, a gentle hug, a warm smile. Whatever to make her feel better.

20. How would you feel if your TC suddenly cut off all contact with you? What do you think their reason would be?

I honestly couldn't see her doing that at all. I'd be wrecked though.

21. What do you think your TC’s opinion of you is?

I'm definitely a favorite student. I help her whenever she needs it, and make conversation with her often. She prob thinks I'm an emotional wreck tho, and maybe a teensy bit of an asshole. I've had no gripes about telling her that I'm not nearly as nice to teachers I don't like so much, she doesn't mind much tho "Well I'm glad you've taken a liking to me"

22. Has your TC influenced your opinions in any way? Likewise, how has having a TC changed you?

I'll be honest. I used to think the TCC was weird and gross and promoting unhealthy attachments and sometimes p3d0philia. Now, however, I know what it feels like first hand and find solace in knowing there's people out there with the same struggle I have.

23. Are you ashamed of your feelings towards your TC? If yes, why?

Definitely, before this I've only really had "conventional" crushes, and I often daydream about her breaking up with her fiancee or cheating on him and I know that's not right and is very selfish.

24. What is more attractive? Your TC’s appearance or personality?

Probably her personality. It's what draws people in. She's not conventionally/traditionally "hot", as most people would put it (though she's DEFINITELY not ugly.) but still everyone I've talked to thinks she's really cute bc of her empathetic demeanor

25. What makes your TC special to you?

I've had "nice" teachers before, but I've never felt this attached. Maybe it's she way she's curious about my life, or remembers the things I tell her, or her own cute little quirks and interests that always leave me wanting to know more about her. I just really LIKE her, in it's purest form.

 26. Describe your TC’s appearance.

She's short, pale, with a round face and big grey eyes. Cute little crows feet when she smiles and frizzly brown curls/waves. Small hands and tight-lined eyeliner that only accentuates her beautiful eyes. The cloudy/distant look before anyone walks into the classroom when she's bored grading things.

27. When you first met your TC, did you think you’d feel the way you do now? If not, what made you fall for them?

Probably not, as I never expected to have a TC at all. However, I could tell she was a favorite from day 1, which was refreshing for the asshole I had for English last year.

28. If you could get your TC a gift for any occasion, what would it be?

Her favorite doughnuts or some nice incense/candles

29. How have your feelings affected your everyday life? Has it affected the way you do work for their class? (If you have them as a teacher.)

100%. I definitely work harder and actually study for her class. I also talk about her like she's god, sticking out even though most of her students speak of her fondly.

Day 30) What is the best and worst thing that happened with your TC during the past month? In addition, how do you predict these moments will affect your relationship in the future?

This past month was rough. I'd guess the best and worst moments are about the same. It's my most vulnerable and emotional moments that, despite being incredibly embarrassing for me, also reassure that she really cares and listens to me when I have no one else to. I think we've definitely grown closer from it, and I plan to show her I'm a big girl, and I can bounce back from moments like this.

[cinanamon]

lies against your lips ⁠— njm

pairing | jaemin x reader

genre | angst, suggestive, (slight) fluff, badboy!au, exes!au, high school!au

word count | 12.1K

synopsis | He was your ex. You broke it off a year before, and it didn’t end on a very good note. Now he seemed that he was ready to reintroduce himself into your life, but you weren’t going to let him in so easily again, not after what he put you through.

warnings | cursing, drinking, smoking, bad homelife, romanticization, mentions of cheating, possessiveness. do not accept this kind of behavior from anyone irl

The minute you turned off the car, all of the doors opened and the girls scrambled out with shouts of gratitude directed your way before the doors closed again. You rolled your eyes and waved them off as you picked up your bag and stepped out into the parking lot. The rising sun peeked at you over the roof of the school building, and you instantly winced as you dropped your head to avoid the bright glare. It was way too bright for the headache you were sporting right now, though it was nice of the sun to wish you a good morning.

You shut your car door with a thud and locked it before heading towards the front entrance. Teenagers mingled around you until you found yourself surrounded by groups on either side as you started down the hallway, and though your lips twitched downwards at the loud volume they conversed in, you made sure to smile at anyone who greeted you. Your surroundings seemed to blend much like your muddled thoughts as you finally made it to your first class, where you plopped down beside a boy named Jisung. 

You were a year older than him, but you had sat beside him since the beginning of the year, so you had never thought of or seen him differently compared to the others at your table. Apparently, Jisung was part of a group of troublemakers, but no matter how much you scrutinized him, you couldn’t imagine it. The boy had bright blue hair at the beginning of the year for Christ’s sake, and he looked more like a blueberry than some e-boy.

And with how he talked to you and even gushed about Animal Crossing once with bright eyes, you concluded that he was just a nice kid who might potentially hang out with bad influences, if the rumor was true. 

You leaned back with a sigh and settled your bag down beside your chair after pulling out your notebook. Eyeing the strawberry milk carton on his desk enviously, a snort jerks your gaze towards the boy. With his quirked brow and the smirk stretched across his lips, it’s obvious he caught your stare.

“Do you want one?”

You perked up instantly, your headache retreating slightly at the offer. “Do you have another?”

“Yeah,” Jisung began to rummage through his backpack, his hand resurfacing with another carton in its grasp, “Me and my friend went to the convenience store before school this morning, and I grabbed an extra.” He met your eye for a second as if to size you up teasingly. “You look like you need it more than me though.”

Your mouth twisted into a scowl but he must have known it was playful, for he laughed shortly and placed it on your desk. Your expression simmered into a smile and you punched his shoulder lightly. “Thank you, Jisung.” 

He smiled at you kindly and inclined his head—yeah, this kid was definitely too sweet to be a “bad boy”. 

Class started and even though the milk brightened your mood, it didn’t necessarily do much to keep you awake. The headache began to creep back behind your eyelids as you fought off the sleep from them, and when class finally ended, the bell seemed to increase the intensity of the ache in your skull. You began to pack up your things and with a grimace disguised as a smile, you waved off Jisung before heading to your next class. 

When that class ended and you found yourself with barely a page of notes due to your terrible headache still, you finally sent a subtle text to one of your friends you drove that morning that you needed an Ibuprofen stat, and to meet you in the stairwell off the English hall. 

As you left the classroom and started down the hall, you instinctively placed a hand against your temple to nurse the ache throbbing beneath it. With gritted teeth, you tried to ignore it as you stepped into the staircase alcove.

You swung yourself up onto the first couple steps without much of a thought, and you glanced down at your phone to check how much time you had left before the bell. Apparently someone else wasn’t looking where they were going either because you bumped into someone coming down and nearly dropped your phone. You caught it in a hurry and looked up to apologize before your voice died in your throat. 

It wasn’t so much someone not looking where they were going, but rather someone wanting you to bump into them.

And that person, my dear friend, was none other than Na fucking Jaemin. 

His eyes were widened in surprise, but the growing smirk on his face told you it wasn’t quite genuine. His hair was messy and his collar was askew, and the bags under his eyes gave away that he was a little worse for wear. Damn him, though, because he still managed to look hot. 

“(Y/n), it’s been a while; how are you?” 

And to think you thought your headache couldn’t get any worse.

“Fine.” You attempted a smile as you tried to dodge to the side, but he cut you off with a side step. 

“Not so fast,” he hummed, and you were wary of the pretty curvature of his lips as he looked at you, like he was a wolf and you were his prey. “I didn’t know you were back in town.” 

“Yeah, we moved back; my dad got re-transferred.” You bounced on the balls of your feet with a strained smile. “Well, I have to get to class! See you.” 

You went to hop onto the step around him but his hand reached out and clasped around your wrist. You stumbled at the sudden stop in your movements and after re-steadying yourself, you turned back to look at him with a disbelieving scoff. He must have recognized that look, the one you’d give before scolding him a year ago, but he only smirked at you. 

He shot you his signature grin as he let his grip slip further into the palm of your hand, a poor attempt at mimicking holding your hand. “We should catch up sometime soon, now that you’re back.”

For a moment, you were charmed by his smile like you were when you first started dating. He was still attractive, still captivating, and you found yourself beginning to agree to his proposal. He must have noticed the softening of your features for his smile spread wider, but the new angle showed off a splotchy purple hickey on his neck; he must have kept busy since you’ve been gone. 

All of his bad qualities came rushing back to you at the sight—the parties, the alcohol, the flirting—and suddenly his facade of charm fell away to reveal the devil beneath it, and your stomach lurched at the memory.

Your expression hardened and you snatched your hand back from him. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” He blinked in surprise at your sudden firmness, and his expression almost made you want to smirk. “I don’t really want to see you anymore than I have to.” And with that, you turned on your heel and continued up the stairs the rest of the way. 

You found your friend there with a raised brow and ibuprofen curled in his palm, and the sight of it alone brought the pounding in your head back to the forefront of your thoughts. “You are a lifesaver.”

“I know,” Hendery chuckled, but as you reached for the pill, he jokingly lifted it above your head.

You leveled him with a warning look. “Don’t you dare make me climb you to get to that.” He laughed but succumbed and lowered his hand for you to grab the medicine.

While you searched your bag for your water bottle, he placed his hands in his pockets and studied you, “Was that Jaemin you were talking to?”

“Yeah, it was. Just my luck, right?” 

He clicked his tongue, “So now he knows you’re back.” 

You looked at him pointedly before downing the pill. “I told him I didn’t want to deal with him again, though.”

His eyebrows shot up and his smile widened, “That’s what I’m talking about!”

You only shook your head as you fell into step with him, but you couldn’t stop a bright smile from crawling across your face. He was the only one who could always do that, and you guess you were pretty happy you were able to stick it to your ex. 

“By the way,” Hendery perked up as if remembering something, “There’s a party this weekend, if you’re down? I know you’re not a fan, so it’s okay if you don’t want to.”

That was true; you preferred mellow movie nights to big house parties, but you weren’t a stranger to a bottle of beer. You pursed your lips; you missed your junior year here so this was your last year to indulge and change things up.

“Why not?” With a tilt of your head, you grinned at him. Hendery seemed pleasantly surprised as he bumped your shoulder. 

“Who are you and what have you done with (Y/n)?”

You laughed. “She’s here, just new and improved.” He gave you a few more details, even as you came to your classroom doors and your teachers looked at you disapprovingly for pushing it to the bell. You waved him off and ducked into your own classroom with a puffed out chest and a spring in your step.

— — —

The weekend rolled by quicker than you expected with all of your projects and essays piling up by the minute, and you almost regretted agreeing to go to the house party. And though you feigned exasperation on the phone to Hendery, a nervous kind of excitement bubbled in your stomach at the thought of going. 

At your other school, you didn’t really get out much. You had a large presence in your home town, and so the idea of having to make new friends all over again sounded like a hassle, so you just focused on your grades. You were there for an education, after all. But now that you were back, you were eager to re-liven your old popularity and mingle with more people. You wanted to have fun, and if that meant sucking it up and heading to a potentially-unsafe-party, then so be it.

Hendery was adamant on driving you so you guys had an excuse to leave, and the seats soon filled up with your other friends, Xiaojun and Yeji, who made it easy for a smile to split your face and confidence begin to rise. Time slipped by quickly when you were with them, and so by the time you arrived, the party was in full swing.

You all climbed out of the car and their conversation was drowned out by your heartbeat as you approached the house. The first thing your friends wanted to do was dance, as so you entertained them by swinging your hips and bobbing your head for a bit. It wasn’t long before you grew tired though, and an itch settled in your throat. 

You tapped Xiaojun’s shoulder. “I’m going to go get a drink; do you want anything?” You had to semi-shout for the blonde to hear you over the music, but he only shook his head.

“No, I’m good! I think we’ll come and get drinks in a little bit too.” 

You nodded at him and ducked to the side. Your eyes ran over the room in search of the kitchen, and you awkwardly stepped down a few hallways before you found the right door. You had barely stepped in and placed a hand on the refrigerator’s door before you heard a voice behind you. 

“I thought you didn’t like to party anymore.”

You jumped and your hand slipped off the handle as you looked over your shoulder. Jaemin’s eyes met yours and he smirked as if that would prompt you to answer. You rolled your eyes but you weren’t going to let him ruin your mood; you’d be civil until he gave you a reason not to be. 

With a shrug, you turned around fully, a smile crossing your lips. 

“Well, I’m trying to change things up—get back into the party scene.”

He quirked a brow at your response, “Well the night’s not complete without a drink, right? Let me get you one.” Before you could shake your head and tell him that you’d really just prefer water, he was already making his way to the cooler and pulling out two bottles. He came back to you and pressed one of the cold beers into your hand. You pursed your lips in distaste as you studied its contents, and Jaemin snorted as he popped the lid and took a swig of his own.

“Don’t lie to me and tell me you don’t drink either.” 

“No,” You shot him a look before dropping your gaze to fiddle with the cap. “I just haven’t in a while.” 

You stared into the golden liquid before bringing it to your lips and taking a sip. As you retracted the bottle, Jaemin was leaning against the counter watching you with a corner of his lips raised. You swiped your sleeve against your mouth and furrowed your brows warily. “What?”

“Nothing,” he adjusted his posture and shrugged nonchalantly, “I just have a bit more respect for you now.”

Your eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You were such a prude when we were together; I mean, you hated even seeing me with a bottle.”

“That’s because we were sophomores—” The beginning of your rant was cut off when you noticed your friends paused in the corridor, their jaws dropped open. You wanted to roll your eyes to the high heavens as Yeji shot you a cheeky thumbs up. Jaemin glanced behind you at them when he noticed your exasperation, and he cleared his throat.

Jaemin pushed off from the counter in a fluid motion, his hand easily snatching up the beer as he straightened. “Do you want to go to the backyard?” You hummed questioningly, snapping your gaze back to him. He inclined his head towards the back of the house, “They’re having a little campfire—do you want to go sit down?”

Your friends became a distant thought as you found yourself nodding and almost subconsciously, his hand slipped into yours as he led you out. Old habits die hard, you guess. He reached his hand into a bowl of suckers on the way out, curiously, before pulling out one and stuffing it in his pocket. You watched your conjoined hands blankly as he slid open the door and brought you down the stairs, where you finally settled on a stone wall separating the firepit from the garden. 

You awkwardly set the beer bottle between your legs as you settled down beside Jaemin, who was unfurling the wrapper of the lollipop he snagged. The warmth of the fire curled around your legs even with the distance between you, and the heat climbed its way up your body. Jaemin was quiet as he watched the other partygoers, the lollipop bobbing side to side in his mouth. Looking at him now, you briefly wondered when the drinks in your hands had slowly changed from cherry iced colas to beer bottles, and the suckers in his hand became cigarettes.

He placed a hand on your thigh after a bit, and the heat from the fire took refuge under his palm as if his touch alone would burn through the skin; you jerked your leg away in shock, and you shot him a look out of the corner of your eye. 

He had yet to face you, and so you let your eyes wander over his features and settle on the lollipop stem. A lopsided smile crawled upon your lips.

“I haven’t seen you with one of those in a while.”

The sucker stopped moving in his mouth as his eyes snapped to yours. “What, do you want me to pull out a cigarette instead?”

“No!” He smirked good-naturally at your reaction and popped the sucker out of his mouth as he let his gaze fall back on the firepit. You tilted your head towards him curiously and kicked your legs back and forth against the wall. “Why are you so intent on talking to me again? If you’re anything like you were before I left, any of these girls are fair game.” 

Jaemin didn't reply right away; he pursed his lips and moved the sucker in a slow circle as he seemed to think, words beginning to form before he changed his mind. He placed the red lollipop back in his mouth. “They were never as good as you.”

You stared at him in surprise. What was that supposed to mean? As good of a kisser? As good of company? You darted your eyes over the way the light of the fire lit up his hair, reflected on the edges of his irises; why was he so damn unreadable? 

At a loss of what to say, you opted to bark out a laugh and shake your head. “Such honeyed words to win their hearts. Sometimes it's hard to remember even dating you.”

His lips twitched downwards and you almost missed his next words. “Oh I would disagree; I remember kissing you quite distinctly.” Jaemin glanced at you out of the corner of his vision, his eyes dragging along your jaw and over your lips until finally meeting your shocked gaze.

When you still sat in silence, his lips formed a light scowl that was quickly replaced by a confident, teasing smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I have something for you.”

Words crumbled on your tongue and you fought to say something about what he was saying before, but nothing came to mind and so your response was swept to the new topic at hand. “What?” 

Without another word, he removed the red lollipop from his mouth and slipped it through your own parted lips. 

Instantly, your eyes widened and you choked, your hand flying up to grab at the stem. An angry flush crossed your face, and you stared at him incredulously as you waited for some kind of explanation, but his eyes only glimmered. “You asshole!” 

He laughed brightly, as if pissing you off was the highlight of his day. He winked cheekily, “It’s cherry flavored. Good, right? Or maybe you like it because it tastes like me—?” You abruptly cut off his question by jumping off the top of the wall and throwing him the middle finger with a glare, your beer bottle long forgotten on his other side. 

He was still laughing as you stormed back into the party and found your friends. Hendery was the first to notice you and he raised his brow, “What happened to sticking it to your ex?” 

You glared at him but chose not to answer, “Are you guys ready to head out? It’s getting late.”

“Party pooper,” Yeji mumbled, and in normal circumstances, you wouldn't have repressed the urge to grin.

“Yeah we can head out,” Xiaojun replied, “Where’d you get the sucker, though? I didn’t see them anywhere.” 

You didn’t realize you still had in it your mouth, toying at it with your tongue. Hastily, you pulled it out and coughed. “Ah, there was a bowl in the kitchen. Let’s just go.” You looked for the nearest trash can and disposed of it on your way out, and you didn’t look twice as it sunk to the bottom.

— — —

When you walked into school that next week, you weren’t in a good mood. You weren’t hungover at all because you only drank a little at the party, but the person you were with still plagued your mind, leaving you frustrated because he was the last person you wanted to be thinking about. 

You made it to your science class and gratefully sunk into your seat. You placed down your things and shut your eyes, hoping to rest for a few moments before your teacher walked in.

“Jaemin, huh?”

Forget that idea. 

Your eyes snapped open and you whirled around with a stinky eye to find Jisung’s smirking face, but he took on a jokingly defensive stance at your sour look. “Yikes, did I hit a nerve?”

You watched him unpack his things for a few seconds, and if you were in a better mood, you would have laughed at the return of the strawberry milk on his desk. Finally, you sighed, because you could never be mad at your boyish seatmate. “What do you mean?”

Jisung met your eye and raised a brow; he must have thought you were joking. When he realized you were serious, he plopped down in his seat curiously. “People are saying you’re dating again.”

“Where’d they get that idea?” You gaped. “We ended on a terrible note; I’d never do that again.”

Jisung quirked a brow at you. “Mhmm, sure. From what I’ve heard, you guys got cozy at a party this weekend.”

You rolled your eyes, “Not like that; can people not be friends with their exes anymore?” His blank look seemed to tell you no, no that wasn’t possible but you just sighed. “Why do you care anyways?” 

“He’s one of my closest friends.” 

Your jaw dropped. “You have a shitty taste in friends.”

“Well what does that say about you, then?” He smirked at you and bumped your pencils, “Jaemin’s not all that bad, you know. He’s just...hard to figure out. He makes things harder for himself.” 

You wanted to snort and tell him that Jaemin was pretty bad from when you knew him, but Jisung wasn’t the type to lie to you, so you paused. Maybe Jaemin had changed since you’d been gone. 

“How so?”

But before Jisung could elaborate on Jaemin’s behavior (what you’re trying so damn hard to figure out), your teacher finally came in. He gave you an apologetic look but you just sighed as you opened your notebook. 

The next two classes went by without a hitch—boring and yet managed to distract you with algebraic expressions and essay topics. You knew life couldn’t be perfect though, and so you accepted what life threw at you when Jaemin came your way during lunch, a dashing grin on his lips. He sat down beside you at the table, and you cursed that the two girls you sat with normally were making up a test they missed in math when they went on a band trip.

“Hello, baby,” You almost gagged on your sandwich and pressed a hand to your chest when he leaned in to kiss your temple. You frowned, and it was a stark contrast from the object of your damnation, a boy beaming at you with perfect pearly whites. 

“Knock it off,” you grumbled, glancing around the lunchroom to see a few wandering eyes. You leveled a pointed look at him, “Come to apologize for this weekend?”

Jaemin stared at you for a moment as if to register what you meant before he burst into a brilliant grin. “About the sucker? Not at all; it was a good flavor.”

You scoffed,“Bastard.”

“You were always the sweetest to me,” his eyes crinkled as he pretended to sigh dreamily, and you felt the sudden urge to pick up your lunch and leave.

“What do you want, Jaemin?”

He dropped the facade and titled his head your way. You stiffened slightly when the angle revealed a few new hickies along his collar, but you didn’t think it was your place to point them out. “People are saying we’re dating.”

“I heard,” you rolled your eyes and took another bite of your sandwich. “I don’t know why people are thinking that from us sitting together once.”

“It could’ve been the sucker,” Jaemin pointed out, but at your unamused look, his grin became cat-like—devious, and almost too friendly—as he leaned forward so his face was inches from yours. You did not like this at all.  “Well you know me, I can’t keep secrets.”

Your hands froze around your meal as you slowly drew your eyes up to his. “You did not try and tell the school that we’re back together.” He shrugged smugly and you scoffed as you pushed away from the lunch table and began to pack up your lunch. “It’s not happening.”

“Why not?” He was already following your lead, only a few steps behind you as you began to walk out of the cafeteria. 

You looked back at him over your shoulder in disbelief. “Do you not remember why we broke up? I can’t stand you sometimes, and you can’t stand me.”

“I think we’ve been rather friendly so far,” he teased, and you gasped when you felt his hand slip into your back pocket. You whirled around and slapped his arm harshly so he’d retract it, but it did little to wipe the smirk off his face. You scowled. 

“Cheeky little shit.”

“Come on,” He whined until you finally paused in the empty hallway. “Don’t you want to give it another try?”

You wanted to tell him quite frankly that no, you didn’t want to even entertain the idea, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it because you weren’t sure if it was entirely true. You looked at him helplessly. “Why do you even want to?”

He blinked at you for a moment with parted lips, and your brows furrowed as you momentarily wondered if the question caught him off guard. He seemed to debate with himself before he quickly covered his second of pause by breaking into a charming leer. His expression simmered into one more serious as he brought his face close to yours, and his voice became softer, lower. “Because I miss the feeling of your lips on mine.” 

The inhale you took was sharp.

Jaemin has never been “trustworthy” by any standard definition; he’d broken countless girls’ and guys’ hearts, shared secrets that were meant to be kept in close confidence, brushed off warnings, and consistently left others hurt in his wake. So what’s to say that he was pulling your leg now? That he wasn’t serious, or that he’d turn around and cheat with some girl after he has you in his clutches again? You hesitated and searched his gaze for anything to grasp onto, but they were oddly guarded for someone who was usually so reckless.

“Y-you’re funny,” You scoffed, but your voice was strained, and you knew he knew it too. Quickly, you stepped out from under him, and it was as if a pressure lifted off your chest and you could breathe again. 

Jaemin had yet to move as you looked back at him. It seemed to prompt him to, and he straightened with a tight grin as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I am known for my humor,” he joked, but it fell flat between you two. You both just stared at each other, and you desperately tried to find something to fix the silence in the air, the uncomfortable feeling stirring in your gut as you watched his face, but he seemed to put back on the mask of a smile.

“Sorry to interrupt your lunch,” he tried again, his tone light. You waved him off; it wasn’t a big deal, and you didn’t think you could eat much more anyways. He nodded to himself and cleared his throat. “I’m supposed to be meeting with Jeno in a bit, but I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“Yeah. See you, Jaemin,” And you watched him walk off, but you felt a frown still tug at your lips at his lonesome figure. 

— — —

You jolted awake at a loud sound. Your face contorted in confusion as you lifted your head, and you winced when you felt a kink in your neck. Bringing a hand up to massage the back of your head, you realized you had fallen asleep at your desk. You cursed yourself as you shuffled through the sheets but you pursed your lips at the math problems in front of you. The variables were beginning to become jumbled together where you hardly even knew what the equation wanted. With a heavy sigh, you dropped your head into your arms; maybe you could take a shower and come back to it, though internally you already knew that wouldn’t do much to make the problems make sense. 

Just as you went to stand up, the loud noise from earlier resounded outside your house: a honk.

Your body straightened in alarm and you looked towards the front of your house in confusion. Hesitantly, you stood and made your way to the window to peek out of the curtains.

You squinted past the headlights to try and see who would be honking at you at damn near 11 o’clock, but your eyes widened when you saw the culprit. You slipped the blinds shut and hurried to your front door before flinging it open. 

He parked the car but when he must have noticed you weren’t coming out right away, he stepped out. He was awkwardly shuffling his feet when you stepped onto the porch. “Jaemin?” 

He perked up and turned to you with a bright smile. “(Y/n)!”

“What are you doing here?” You approached him in disbelief as you looked between him and his car. He smirked at you and tapped the side of his nose. 

“I wanted to apologize for the other day by interrupting your lunch; I want to take you to a party.”

A laugh escaped your lips. “You’re joking, right? It’s a school night! I have so much homework and it’s so late already—”

“So you don’t want to go?” 

You stared at him and weighed your options. You really needed to do that schoolwork, but you were so frazzled that you’d probably sit in front of the equation for the same amount of time you’d be partying. “I didn’t say that...but I don’t know if my parents would even let me.”

“If we leave now, they won’t even realize you’re heading out.”

“I’m sure they heard you honk,” You rolled your eyes, but your mind was already made up. If you got in trouble when you returned home, then you got in trouble, whatever; hopefully they’d take it easy on you since you didn’t break any rules while at the other school. “Just let me change real quick.”

You rushed back inside and changed into more party-appropriate clothing. You wrote a little note for your parents and left it on your sheet of homework before heading back to the front door in hope that you wouldn’t run into them to stop you. 

When you came back out, he peered at you through the front window, as if to silently question when you were going to hop in. You hurried to the passenger side, but there was a noticeable pause as you hesitated on opening the door.

This is stupid, you thought. You shouldn’t get in the car with people you don’t know or trust anymore. But you found yourself grasping the handle anyways and smoothly sliding into his passenger seat.

His car smelled overwhelmingly like smoke. You instinctively wrinkled your nose at the intensity and glanced at the tree air freshener on his front mirror, but it must have been old because it did nothing to clear the air.

Jaemin cleared his throat and raised a brow at you as he shifted the car into gear. “You good?” 

With a nod, you willed yourself to relax into the leather of the seat. “Yeah, I’m fine.” You let your gaze wander over his features onto the rest of his car, which for the most part was actually rather clean. Your eyes traced along the center console and the dashboard, but they stopped short at the area by your feet, where several beer bottles laid scattered. 

You straightened in alarm and turned to him, your eyes wide and voice tense. “Do you drunk drive?” You remembered him being irresponsible and drinking, but drunk driving was serious and you were prepared to make him stop the car now and let you out. 

“No, I’m not an idiot. I only drink when I’m the passenger.”

Your shoulders unstiffened slightly but you scoffed, your teeth gritted together. “Don’t your parents—?”

“I live alone.”

You blinked, your expression falling. “...oh.” The car fell silent and though Jaemin didn’t seem bothered, you suddenly felt uncomfortable. When did he move out? Before you moved, he was still staying with them, you knew that. Did they kick him out? Hesitantly, you looked up at him, but then you prompted your lips shut; you weren’t his girlfriend anymore, so it wasn’t your place to ask. You bit the inside of your cheek and turned away. Propping your elbow on the windowsill, you dug the bottom portion of your face into your palm in hopes to ride out the rest of the drive with less awkwardness. 

“You look pretty,” he said to you after a moment. 

“Oh shut up,” But your tone held no wrath. You dropped your hand from your face and looked to the road ahead of you. “Where are we going anyways?”

Jaemin was surprisingly a very responsible driver, and he only spared you a second moments of eye contact with a shrug. “Yangyang is hosting a party tonight—I like to be at every one.” 

You didn’t reply but nodded slowly, and the rest of the drive was in comfortable silence. 

When you two finally pulled into the driveway, the first thing you heard was the loud music that drifted down the street and only grew louder at your approach. Now, as you unbuckled your seat belt and stepped out, it was deafening, and you felt bad for his neighbors. Maybe they’d call the cops on him, and then you would have an excuse to leave the party faster. But if there was alcohol involved, you didn’t want to risk getting grabbed by the cops, and so you uncomfortably cleared your throat and hoped tonight went well. 

Jaemin came around the side of his car and tilted his head at you questioningly, the lights of the front porch casting him in pretty shades of yellow that mimicked a halo. You resisted the urge to snort and quickened your pace to his side. 

Gingerly, he slipped an arm around your waist and you tensed. He glanced at you, a silent question of your comfort level. It was just a hand on your waist; it didn’t have to mean anything, and you guys were walking a thin wire between friends and exes, so this kind of contact was familiar to you. You cautiously met his eyes but gave a curt nod, and his hovering hand settled on your waist firmly. The two of you walked inside, and the minute you stepped through the threshold, you felt winded. 

There were way too many bodies for comfort, all pressed together as they danced sloppily to the latest rapper, stereotypical red cups in their hands that sloshed with each movement. It was a lot bigger and more imposing than the one you went to a few weeks ago. 

You subconsciously pressed yourself closer to Jaemin, which prompted him to look down at you with a quirk of his lip. Instantly, you created some distance between you again, at least as far as you could with his hand still perched on your side. 

The two of you hung out in the larger room for a little bit and drank from the solo cups, but after an hour or so, he pulled a lighter and cigarettes from his pocket. You stared at him wordlessly as he lit one and took a drag, blowing out the smoke into the crowd of teens around you. He must have noticed your grimace because he tilted his head your way, his fingers kneading at your waist. “What?”

You shook your head, “You’re going to smoke here? In this guy’s house?”

His brows furrowed, “Yeah? What, do you want me to go outside?”

“Yes; it’s common courtesy.”

He exhaled another puff of smoke but he looked over the heads of the crowd before tugging at your side, “Come on, then; I think I know a quieter area.”

You accepted and let him lead you out of the throng, but you didn’t expect him to bring you to the secluded backyard. It was quiet compared to inside, and no one mingled around the pool’s edge. There were fairy lights strung up across the overhang, and you couldn’t help but admire the way the lights danced upon the water. 

“Are we allowed to be back here?” You asked absently, but you knew you didn’t want to leave the back patio now. 

Jaemin slipped his hand from your side to your own palm, and he gently pulled you towards the pool with a shrug. “I don’t really know. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

He sat down on the rim on the shallow end, and he beckoned you to sit beside him. You placed your solo cup behind you before dipping your feet into the cool water, and a shiver traveled all of the way up your body. 

With a glance his way, you inquired, “can you put the cigarette out now?”

He met your gaze briefly, “Yeah,” He didn’t put up much of a fight against you like you thought he would; he simply pressed the lit end to the stone and left it by your drink.

With a stretch, Jaemin sighed from beside you and leaned back, and you felt one of his hands settle behind you when he slid them back to support his weight. You quickly lost yourself in the odd tranquility of the moment; the party’s music and laughter were muffled from where you sat, and you only heard the water lapping at your calves and the comforting sound of your ex’s soft breathing. You allowed yourself to close your eyes for a moment, to take in the mood of it, and you were more than thankful you let Jaemin drag you away from your homework.

“Do you want to go swimming?”

You cracked one eye open to give Jaemin a pointed look, but the mirroring of his smirk gave away your amusement. “We don’t have swimsuits.”

“Skinnydipping, then,” he shrugged and leaned his shoulder against yours, his bright eyes and warm skin leaving you dazed. “I haven’t seen you naked in a while.”

“Ever, actually,” you laughed and leaned up to push him away, and he nearly toppled into the water from the force of it. He pouted at you but then shook his head as he went to stand up.

“Suit yourself,” He stripped off his shirt and your mouth went dry as your eyes widened; you didn’t realize that your eyes were drinking in every groove on his torso until you shook yourself out of it. Momentarily, you panicked, thinking that he was actually going to fully strip to swim in the pool, which would not go over well at a stranger’s house at a packed party.

You calmed when he draped the shirt on the ground behind you and dug his belongings out of his pockets to place atop the article of clothing. He left his shoes and socks beside it until he was only left in his pants.

You stared at him in disbelief. “You’re crazy.”

He grinned flirtatiously and winked at you, “I would say spontaneous,” and then he launched himself at the deeper end before jumping in.

You found yourself gaping at the cannonball he took, the leftover splash of water and resounding waves the remnants of his zany actions. Your slack jaw morphed into a large, open smile and then you were laughing with unabashed glee as he resurfaced, slicking back his hair and wiping at his eyes. He took in your happy form and his eyes softened, but his smile widened as he swam towards you in the shallow end.

“Was it that funny?” He asked, the smile on his face still distinguishable as he shook out his hair like a dog. He came up to you and stood between your slightly spread legs, his arms landing on either side of your thighs to cage you in.

“It’s just so stupid,” you were calming down from your laughter as you tried to settle down enough to scold him for his boldness, but you found your grin faltering as you stared at him, only now noticing how close he was.

He was just as pretty as your surroundings. His smile was radiant, his eyes were crinkled, and water droplets were finding their way along the curve of his cheek, down the slant of his nose, the red ridge of his lips. As water settled on the parting of his mouth, you absently wondered if they were still as soft as they looked.

“If you wanted me to kiss you, you could’ve just asked.” 

Your eyes snapped up to his and you scoffed. “I don’t want to kiss you.” 

He raised a brow. “Then why were you looking at my lips?”

You opened your mouth to give him a fitting retort but no words came out. You met his eyes and they were serious this time, no trace of the humor you both were sporting only moments before. You swallowed harshly as he leaned in closer, his head subconsciously tilting to the side.

The feeling of his breath fanning over your face sent you back to the beginning of your relationship with him, when a genuine grin wasn’t hard to draw out of him, and his laugh was liquid sunlight to shine upon you and only you. Instinctively, your eyes began to flutter shut at the memory, the warmth of his lips that you cherished before he broke your heart. 

You tried to fight your eyelids, tried to keep your eyes trained on him, but his eyes were dark and you couldn’t read him, and you were left drowning, fighting his charm to stay afloat.

Your eyes only closed when his lips sealed over yours, and his hands came up to cup your face, leaving wet splotches in their wake. Your lips pressed against each other’s gently, and something in you wanted to scream, beg you not to give in like before, but it was overshadowed by the affection building in your heart as your fingers trailed over his ribs, the appreciation of the difference in his approach to you this time around.

You felt him begin to smile into the kiss as his hands tightened slightly over your jaw, and that same mirth from before began to bubble in your stomach as you parted. Both of you were breathing faintly in the silence of the patio, and his mouth trailed down to you neck, where he began to kiss and bite gently as you stared at the overhead fairy lights. You made a small sound that spurred him on to explore your collar with his lips until you drew his attention back to you with a steady hand under his jaw. Your breath hitched when you met his heated, dazzling gaze, and you stared at each other in mesmerized shock. 

It was him who made the first move after, breaking you both out of your trance. He barked a laugh, a bright, genuine smile crossing his lips as he stepped back, his hands sliding off your face to grace over the pool’s surface. You sat watching him as he climbed the pool’s steps and stepped back onto the stones.

“Are...are you cold?” You managed to ask around the shock still rendering your vocal cords unusable. Water was still clinging to his skin, his eyelashes, his pants, as he reached down and pulled back on his shirt. It clung to his chest as he shook his head. 

“A bit but nothing bad,” he stuffed his socks and shoes back on and returned his belongings to his pockets before reaching a hand out towards you. “Are you ready to go?”

You had almost forgotten you weren’t alone in the house, and that just inside there were groups of people dancing and mingling. The longer you thought about it, the more you realized you didn’t want to join them again. “Yeah,” you said and placed your hand in his, letting him pull you up and back under his arm.

He steered you around the house this time instead of re-entering, and you climbed back into his car as he turned it on and pulled out of the driveway.

He gave you another brief kiss when he dropped you off at your house, and though your parents laid into you about sneaking out so late at night, their words did nothing to make you feel regretful. For the only thing on your mind as their words muddled into the background was the lingering feeling of Jaemin’s lips on your own.

— — —

Your parents had not been happy about your rendezvous with Jaemin, and so you had been grounded for two weeks from hanging with friends or going out. Though it had been boring, you had still enjoyed talking with them in school, and especially your interactions with Jaemin.

Neither of you had brought up the kiss, but it was evidently on both of your minds. You did not dare say you were exclusive again in fear that it’d all go wrong again, that your past would haunt you and ruin whatever it was stirring between you. Both of you would flirt and laugh together, but underneath it all, something was aching in your chest, but you squashed the fear and dread down everytime. You would cross that bridge when this lull couldn’t last any longer. 

Your parents only relented on your sentence of being grounded when Hendery begged that you hang out after two weeks. Thankfully, he always had a good reputation from your parents perspective; they couldn’t say no to him, and they thought he’d be a good influence for you. Or, better, anyways, since they didn’t know he was bringing you to another party that night. 

You both chuckled to yourselves when you slid into his car, but waved politely at your parents so they wouldn’t suspect anything was amiss. 

“I can’t believe you convinced them”

He snorted, “I’m always my friends’ parents’ favorite. You just have to know how to be friendly and mature.” 

You flicked his forehead as he began driving down the street and he gasped. “Hey, I’m driving! Stop being jealous.” You laughed at him but relaxed back into your seat with a hum. He looked at you out of the corner of her eye.

“So are you back with Jaemin?”

Your humming faltered as you looked to him but cleared your throat. “Not necessarily.”

Hendery scoffed, “Mm sure; you haven’t stopped smiling when thinking about him,” he went to face you but then the stoplight turned green and he was forced to stay focused on the road. “Yeji said she hasn’t seen him with any other girls since you came back.”

“He had hickies on his neck for the first bit. New ones,” You didn’t say it crossly; it was simply fact, and you weren’t necessarily in the situation to be jealous.

“Well I mean messing around, kissing, whatever. He hasn’t been doing it for almost three weeks.”

“Wow, what a record.” 

He sighed exasperatedly and gave you a brief stink eye, “Shut up. We think he’s actually trying to be serious this time.”

You pursed your lip but didn’t say anything, and so the conversation fell into a lull of comfortable silence. You didn’t know if hearing his attempts to be serious made you happy or anxious. Even if he was serious about trying to make it work with you again, what’s to say he wouldn’t fall right back into his old habits? Cheating, smoking, drinking—they were still major threats to the line you were walking with him now.

You pushed it to the back of your head as you arrived at the party. Hendery and you walked into the party and before you could follow him to your other friends, you saw Jaemin with some guys and he was already looking your way. Instantly, you perked up, and Hendery rolled his eyes, waving you off. You gave him a thankful look as you split off towards him, and the smile spreading across your face was subconscious.

Jaemin was glaring over your head but when you reached him, he tore his gaze away to grin at you. “(Y/n), babe, hey!” He slid an arm around your waist and drew you forward to stand beside him, and that’s when you took notice of who you were around.

Jeno offered you a kind smile that morphed his eyes into pretty crescent moons, and his arm was draped over the shoulders of his girlfriend (of a year, you think; you can’t remember the details) who took refuge in his warmth, but her smile was just as gentle. Renjun was beside them but you were surprised to see more piercings lining his ears and the tips of his hair to be dyed pink, but he gave you a brief smile and nod before reverting back to his colder countenance. 

You knew these guys; you were friends with them when you dated Jaemin the first two years of high school, and you heart squeezed knowing that they seemed to remember you. You lifted your hand in a wave. “Hey, guys.”

“Hey, (y/n); we haven’t seen you in awhile! We didn’t know you were back until Jaemin told us.”

You glanced at the boy in question, but nothing on his face gave him away. You slid your gaze back to Jeno, “Yeah, I was trying to keep it on the low.” So Jaemin didn’t know, but you didn’t need to tell them that since that thought was thrown out of the window by now. 

“By the way, Jaemin, can you drive me home tonight?”

Jaemin’s arm tightened around you, “Of course, whatever you need.”

You smiled and turned back to face the group before you perked up. “Oh!” You turned back to Jaemin and poked at his chest, “you didn’t tell me you were friends with Jisung.”

“You know him?” His brows furrowed but he laughed lightly. “Yeah, nice little sport.” You saw Renjun’s and Jeno’s eyes flicker up warningly at Jaemin, as if to watch out for anything he’d say and you hesitantly went for a smile before directing your voice to Renjun, “why isn’t he here?”

Renjun’s eyes flitted to you. “We’re trying to keep him out of,” he shrugged his shoulders vaguely but they seemed to gesture to Jaemin and the party around you. “bad influences.” 

Your lips formed a wary ‘o’ but Jeno rushed to fix the tenseness of the situation. “He’s hanging with a different friend right now. Have you met a boy named Chenle?”

“Ah, no, I don’t think so.”

Jeno nodded but his smile came more easily now. “Yeah, he just moved here. Jisung’s been trying to make him feel comfortable.”

 You couldn’t help but grin at that. You almost opened your mouth to ask about Hyuck, but you quickly bit the question back. You knew the answer to that, and you didn’t want to ruin the mood. Instead, you grinned. “That’s good.”

Conversation flowed between you all for a bit then, possibly an hour or so until you noticed Jaemin’s and Renjun’s empty bottles. 

“Do you guys want another drink?” 

Renjun shook his head side to side and placed the bottle down on the table, but Jaemin smiled at you. “Yes, actually; thank you, baby.” He leaned up and kissed your cheek and you felt yourself flush at Renjun’s and Jeno’s stare. You weren’t sure if you wanted them knowing that you and Jaemin were getting that familiar again.

You cleared your throat and stood up quickly. “Well, I’ll get on that. Be right back.” And you hurried to the kitchen.

It was a different home from the other two, but you were getting used to how people congregated in different rooms, so it didn’t take you as long to find. You had grabbed two beers but before you spun and left the kitchen, there was a nudge on your arm.

You turned questionly until you met Hendery’s eye, Yeji slung over his shoulder, half unconscious. 

“Oh my God, is she okay?” You gasped, reaching a hand out to brush over her shoulder.

Hendery sighed irritatedly as Xiaojun came up behind him. “Yeah she got into a drinking contest and threw up before passing out. We’re going to head out; are you coming?”

You hesitated, “I actually asked Jaemin if he was okay taking me home. Will you be okay taking her home?” 

Hendery sighed but nodded as he readjusted Yeji on his side. “No, it’s fine; I just don’t know how I’m going to explain this to her mom.”

You winced, “I wish you luck.”

Hendery handed Yeji off to Xiaojun, and he began to tell Xiaojun to drive Yeji’s car behind his so after they drop her off, he could take Xiaojun home. Xiaojun agreed and began to head out of the house, but before you could wonder why Hendery wasn’t following, he turned to you. “Do you know what her purse looks like or something? She doesn’t have her phone or keys.”

“Oh! Uh, I think it’s purple? I can help you look.” You placed the two bottles back on the counter and started for the hall. 

“That’d be great, thank you.” 

You both filed back out into the living room and began to search around the couches and dining table. Him and you were lifting your heads from looking under a chair when Jaemin was suddenly at your side with a stormy expression, his eyes darker than a rain cloud and jaw taut. Neither of you had no time to greet him before Jaemin’s hand clasped around yours tightly and he was tugging you towards him. “Excuse me,” He said, and then he slammed his lips against yours.

You made a muffled sound of shock, your eyes still wide. This kiss was unforgiving, unlike the kiss by the pool. That one was gentle, whereas this one was brutal, bruising; in this kiss, he was pouring forth anger and possession over you, he was claiming your lips as his. You didn’t even get a chance to kiss back (though you were unsure if you wanted to) before he separated and yanked you after him as he exited the house party, partygoers’ eyes on you. You stumbled down the front steps after him, watching his back in shock before you finally processed the situation and tore your hand from his. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” The words tumbled from your mouth before you’d even thought about them, but they were the perfect mixture of what you were feeling right then. 

Jaemin’s eyes were narrowed as he drew them back to you, and it shocked you how tense he was, all former relaxation gone from his muscles. “What the fuck is wrong with me? He was getting too close to you; I was getting bad vibes.”

Your brows shot up. “That was Hendery! He’s my friend; even before I moved!” 

He stuck his tongue against the inside of his cheek, but the anger in his disposition was still present. “Doesn’t mean he couldn’t have changed.” 

“Have you?” 

He looked at you, his brows unfurrowing for a moment but then he was looking away again, steaming in his anger silently, potentially to not say anything he’d regret. “He could’ve done something to you.”

“But he didn’t, and he wouldn’t. You had no right to step in like that, to do that in front of everyone when—“ You grasped for the words as you began to shake with anger, your hands trembling. “We’re not dating, Jaemin. So don’t act like we are.” 

He pursed his lips and jaw locked, his hands coming up to grasp at his jaw, rub at his collar, like there was nowhere safe to rest. “That’s not what I’m talking about, I’m saying that he could have touched you when you didn’t want him to—“

“You just kissed me when I didn’t want you to!” You hissed at him in disbelief. With a growl of frustration, you ran a hand through your hair before gesturing towards him. “This is exactly why we didn’t work out! Because you’re so fucking possessive!”

His eyes flashed. “That is not why we broke up!”

“Oh, then what was it?” You snarled. “Was it because you were flirting with other girls? That you were being unfaithful while restricting me, that you went out drinking and smoking when you were only sixteen—“ 

“Shut up!” He shouted at you. “Shut up!” 

“Am I striking a nerve?” You jeered. “I told you this is what was going to happen! Do you still want to try again? Do you really want screaming matches every fucking week again?”

“You’re the only who started this fight,” He was shaking, eyes on the ground but you knew they had to be on fire, and if he lifted his gaze to yours, you would surely be burned. “We don’t have to be fighting like we did before.”

“But we will because you haven’t changed!” You stared at him helplessly, pointedly, your arms spread to each side. “You’re still the guy you were before I left! It’s just been so long that I fell for that exact same charm that reeled me in the first time.”

“You haven’t been around long enough to know if I’m changed or not!” he seethed. Jaemin finally looked up and his eyes were ferocious like you thought they’d be, but his expression was pained. “You’re so fucking afraid it will be the same that you’re not even looking at me!”

You blinked at him wordlessly. Are you the one afraid? Are you the one reading this wrong? You gritted your teeth; you didn’t have the patience to doubt yourself now, and if you gave in now then he’d always get his way.

“Oh, so you’re going to tell me that that kiss wasn’t because of jealousy then?” You snapped. You glared at him, waiting for him to argue, to prove his point but he didn’t; Jaemin only met your gaze evenly, his jaw raised and fists clenched. You crossed your arms. “Get out of here, Jaemin. I’m not getting in the car with you.”

He didn’t push you; he didn’t yell at you, he didn’t come near you to lift you up and force you. Jaemin simply kept his eyes trained on you for a moment longer before turning on his heel and briskly walking to his car. The door opening and slamming shut was resoundly loud in the sudden silence of your yelling match, and you watched him pull out of the driveway alone. 

You stayed there for another minute, letting everything you both said sink in and it wasn’t till then that you realized you were still shaking, from anger or sobs you didn’t know. You tried to breath in the fresh air to steady yourself before going back inside.

You went to say goodbye to Hendery, but you shot down any attempt he made to give you comfort or get you to speak. He seemed at a loss, but he respected you and headed out the door to drive Yeji home.

You hurried back to Jeno and Renjun to gather your purse in hopes that you could duck out quickly, but Jeno placed a hand on your shoulder.

“Where’s Jaemin? Where are you going?”

You didn’t look at him as you replied, “He left.” 

“Without you?” He drew in his brows and looked back at Renjun. “Who’s taking you home?”

“I’m walking.”

“No you’re not; we can drive you.” Jeno didn’t remove his hand from your arm as he nodded at his girlfriend. “We don’t mind.” 

You hesitated before giving in. You didn’t want to bother him, and quite frankly you wanted to be alone, but you knew it wasn’t safe this late. All of you said goodbye to Renjun before you followed them out of the house, and you sat in the backseat as he began to pull away. 

It was silent for a long time before Jeno spoke up. “I’m sorry.”

You peeked up at him. “For what?”

“For Jaemin,” he turned the wheel and glanced back at you. “That he’s struggling to change.”

You snorted and looked out the window. “He hasn’t changed.”

“He’s trying,” Jeno’s confident tone made you stiffen and you looked back up towards the front of the car at him. He met your eye through the rearview mirror. “He is, I’m not lying to you.”

“I know, Jeno,” The words came out in a sigh as you dropped your head in your lap. Jeno had always been consistent, honest, reliable; he would never tell you this if he didn’t believe in Jaemin. Your fingers trembled against your purse. “I just wish you were.”

— — —

You didn’t go to another party after the fight with Jaemin. Your friends tried to convince you, giving you unamused looks when you gave an excuse or waved them off, but ultimately they stopped offering. You smiled at Jeno and Renjun and Jisung, but you avoided Jaemin again; you couldn’t bear to look him in the eye.

You tried to tell yourself he didn’t deserve to hear from you anymore if he was just like before, that it was for your own best interest to drop him. He made no attempts either; he didn’t look at you in the hall or try to sling an arm over your shoulder to joke with you. You scolded yourself every time you wished he would.

To occupy your mind, you tried to invest yourself more into your schoolwork as weeks passed by, and things seemed to go back to normal—at least, for you.

Jaemin has gotten worse. You had tried to ignore it, but you couldn’t help but take notice of the bags under his eyes, the underlying smirk on his features that wasn’t genuine. Some days he’d show up with lovebites all over him, other times he reeks of smoke, and sometimes he didn’t show at all. 

You were worried. You knew Jeno and Renjun were too; their frowns were evident as their eyes followed him and then slid to you, a silent plea of you to see what your absence was doing. 

But he wasn’t your responsibility. He hurt you twice, he wasn’t a good influence, and you’d probably forget about him once you went off to college. 

But after a few more weeks and he only looked worse, you couldn’t take it anymore. You approached Jeno after class and didn’t say anything for a moment, just stared at him pointedly with a clenched jaw, and then he was writing down Jaemin’s address on a slip of paper and handing it to you.

And when you drove up to the apartment complex that night, you still weren’t quite sure what you were doing. You parked your car and started going up the outdoor stairs in a daze, the cold air of dusk nipping at your forearms. What were you going to say? Did you even want to see him? Did he want to see you? 

You paused on the top of the stairs of his floor. It was like a cement motel, just a little cleaner. If he had moved out on his own, he probably couldn’t afford much better. Your heart clenched at the thought. 

With bated breath, you stopped before his door. You were here; you couldn’t go home now without at least knocking. You raised your hand and rapped at the wood lightly.

There was a brief commotion of the other side and muffled shouts before you heard footsteps approach the door. 

“Jeno, I don’t want to go out tonight; go away.”

You felt winded hearing his voice after so long. It was hoarse, scratchy, and he sounded tired and irritated, which was a large contrast to when he hung with you.

You cleared your throat. “It’s not—it’s not Jeno.”

It was silent on the other side of the door. The longer the quiet stretched out the more you thought he didn’t hear you and you might as well head home before the door opened. 

His hair was a mess as if he just woke up, and his eyes were dull. His clothes were a mess and dangling from his hand was a lit cigarette. When you drew your gaze back up to his face, a trail of smoke puffed from his mouth as he stared at you. 

“(Y/n).”

You tried not to let your face twist in disgust as the smoke blew towards your face. “Jaemin.”

You both awkwardly stood there taking in each other’s appearances before you heard a familiar voice shout in a slurred voice, “Jaemin, where are the other bottles?”

Jaemin grimaced but turned away from you enough to shout back into the apartment, “You've drunk enough tonight; I’m not letting you into my stash.” He faced you again and he seemed uncomfortable under your cautious gaze as he took another drag of his cigarette.

“Is—is that Donghyuck?” Jaemin hesitantly nodded and breathed out the smoke again.

“Yeah, he’s—he’s spending the night. He crashes here often.” You peeked over his shoulder at Donghyuck, curled up on the couch with beer bottles littering the coffee table as he mumbled to himself; hopefully they just didn’t clean often, and all of those bottles weren’t from today only. 

You felt something twinge in your chest seeing the former class clown so...dreary, pulled down so far from happiness. You may have been gone for a year but gossip always traveled fast when Jaemin was around, so you had heard about Mark and his girlfriend and the betrayal that broke the honey-skinned boy the year before.

 You frowned but looked back up at Jaemin. “Are you letting him drown himself in alcohol?”

“What else could he do to get his mind off of it?”

Your frown only deepened. “You’re feeding an addiction—has he been like this since it happened?”

“You’re not a doctor,” Jaemin scowled, his grip on his cigarette tightening. “What’s it matter if he wants to drink to forget? I’ve done it plenty of times.”

“And look where that’s gotten you,” You knew you shouldn’t have said it as soon as the words slipped out. His eyes widened before they narrowed to two slits. “Jaemin, I—I didn’t mean to say that.”

“No, I think you made yourself very clear,” he spat. “If you’re only here to criticize me then politely fuck off.”

“Jaemin—“ but the door was suddenly slammed in your face. You stared at the grooves in the wood in shock before groaning in regret. You turned around and pursed your lips as you studied the concrete floor. With a sigh, you took a few lazy steps to the stairs before sitting on one and leaning your elbows on your knees so you could plant your chin in your palms. 

You looked up at the sky glumly, conflicted. The moon shone back down at you, as if to comfort you but remind you that it couldn’t help you solve your problems. You shook your head and let your gaze wander over the dark blanket of the night taking over the leftover bits of day, the purple mixing with the blue to create a beautiful array of colors too dark to be sunset anymore.

A door creaked open behind you but you didn’t look back; it would be awkward to lock eyes with another resident who would only see you as some strange girl sitting on the steps outside their home. You winced; maybe you really should head home soon. 

You didn’t have much time to contemplate it before you felt a heavy weight fall over your shoulders and movement to your left. Your hands instinctively flew up to catch at the fabric of a coat around your back, and when you looked to your side, your eyes widened to find Jaemin settling down beside you, a cigarette still perched precariously between two of his fingers. 

He didn’t attempt to make conversation at first as you watched him, he only tried to become comfortable by leaning his back against the step behind you and stretching his legs down over the steps below. He took a gentle inhale of the killing machine in his hand before he exhaled and put it out against the cement of the stair. 

It was oddly comforting sitting beside him outside his apartment, his coat around your shoulders and his face contemplative. Finally, he spoke up, his tone mellow. “I was trying to change.”

You looked away from him, your eyes settling on the moon. “I know.”

He glanced at you out of the corner of his eye before giving a heavy sigh, one that seemed to release all of the tension in his limbs. “I was chasing a high for a long time. I hit low after low and after messing up so terribly with you…” you met his eye briefly to study him, but he only chuckled at himself. “When you came back I thought that maybe I could be happy again, that I could make up for it. I can’t even do that right.”

You were quiet for a while, but he didn’t seem to mind as he let his eyes wander over the sky; he seemed entirely at peace in the night, the moon and low-quality light fixtures with moths flying about them the only source of light to encase him. Your voice was low when you responded, “Why weren’t you just honest with me?”

He guffawed at that, looking at you with a relaxed disposition but raised brow. “You kept rejecting me, what did you expect?” You bit your lip at the meaning of those words, but he continued as if he didn’t notice, “It’s hard to be honest when you didn’t want to hear the truth.”

“I didn’t,” you admitted. You turned to face him again, and you made a promise to yourself that you wouldn’t look away from him now, so he’d know you were honest and listening. He watched you wordlessly. “I didn’t want to be open to the idea that things could be different. I’m sorry.” 

He raised a hand and graced it over your cheek, gently grasping your jaw in his palm as he looked in your eyes for any discomfort, any lies, any sign for him to pull away and go inside and forget you came tonight. 

He found nothing.

“I’m going to change. You know that, right?” He stroked your cheek and tilted his head, drawing his face closer to yours. 

You found yourself nuzzling into his palm as you nodded. “I know.” I’m not scared that you won’t anymore. The discarded cigarette on the stair behind you seemed to stand as a reminder of his oath as he lifted his other hand to cup the back of your neck and pull you closer. Right before your lips connected, you brought a hand up to block his mouth. “No more being jealous, okay? No cheating, no heavy drinking, and no more smoking.” 

Though you couldn’t see the lower half of his face, his eyes crinkled like they did when he smiled. “I promise.” With a nod, you lowered your hand, and your breath hitched as your lips connected.

Your lips moved together unhurriedly, almost leisurely. You found yourself growing lost in him, the smoke on his tongue and interwoven into his scent, and you subconsciously drew him closer to you by the collar, to minimize any distance left. When you pulled away, you didn’t feel overwhelming passion or affection, but that was the beauty of it; the kiss felt commonplace, and it felt familiar. It didn’t feel like it had to mean anything, and that’s what made it matter to you.

You slid your head down onto his shoulder without even meeting his eye, and his hand came down to rest around your waist and pull you closer. Both of you gazed up at the night sky and basked in each other’s company, and the crisp air felt refreshing in your lungs as you interlocked your fingers with his. 

[writingfortoomanyfandoms]

Hello! super excited to see more people writing for the smp!! could I request number 11 for sapnap inside the smp verse? I think that could be fun with him. thank you!! <3

I hope it’s okay that I put this request together with another one! (”can i get 9, 11, and 15 from the 5k youtube prompt list with sapnap? either irl or smp, its up to you (: just the reader had pulled an all nighter for something and was hyped up on caffeine and was rambling to sapnap their best friend? if not thats okay!! i dont know if your 5k blurb thing has started yet!”), it is indeed set in the amp and I’m v excited to start writing for Sapnap and the smp in general! lowkey wanna write fundy when I reopen requests as well

9 - “I don’t fall in love with people very often, I just can’t believe it was you. Out of everyone, you just had to steal my heart. That’s very rude, you know, to steal?”

11 - “I’m starting to think that five cups of coffee was a bad idea”

15 - “I can’t be a simp - I don’t even know what that word means”

-------------------------------------------------------

They had been put on watch duty together. They hadn’t managed to mob proof the house yet and Dream was - rather understandably - worried about mobs attacking them as they slept, and so had ordered that they would take it in turns for two of them to stay up every night in order to ensure that there would be no mobs getting near them.

It was, in theory, a very good idea - Y/N was a big fan of not dying, and intended to continue not dying for quite a few years to come. The only issue was that this was her second night on watch in a row. 

The previous night she had been keeping watch with Dream while the other residents of their home - Sapnap, George, Callahan, Sam, Alyssa and Bad - slept. Keeping watch with Dream was always fun, she enjoyed hearing him talk about his plans for the community that they were all building together. 

Tonight Sapnap was meant to be on watch with George. However, Y/N had gone mining with George earlier in the day and George had gotten injured. Dream, ever protective over his close friend, had insisted despite George’s protests that he ought to sleep as much as possible in order to aid his recovery.

All of them had offered to take George’s place on the watch that night, but Y/N had insisted that she do it. She wouldn’t admit it to any of them, knowing how they would react in trying to assure her that she was wrong, but she did somewhat blame herself for George’s injury.

Besides, Y/N would take any excuse to spend more time with Sapnap. 

Exhausted from spending the day mining, she had downed as much coffee as she could, bid the rest of them goodnight and had gone to meet Sapnap ready to take the watch.

What she hadn’t considered, however, was how much the coffee was going to hype her up.

“Dude, you’ve got to calm down,” Sapnap was laughing hard at Y/N’s jittery state, her eyes wide as she continued to ramble endlessly at him about anything and everything that came to mind. “What’s wrong with you tonight?” 

“Well I’m starting to think five cups of coffee was a bad idea.” Y/N confessed to him seriously and Sapnap’s eyes widened.

“Five - Y/N, what the hell?”

“I was worried about falling asleep,” she whined.

“Did you nap at all today?” He asked her.

“No I was out all day with Gogy,” Y/N giggled.

“Well... when the caffeine wears off tomorrow you need to sleep all day, okay?” Sapnap ordered her, his brow furrowed in such genuine concern for her wellbeing.

Y/N smiled at him.

“You’re so sweet, Sapitus Napitus,” Y/N sighed, leaning over and allowing her head to fall down and rest on his shoulder. “It’s one of the things I love about you-” she barely felt Sapnap tense up beneath her, just continuing on with her rambling. “But you know, I don’t fall in love with people very often, I just can't believe it was you. Out of everyone, you just had to steal my heart. That’s very rude, you know, to steal? And I just don’t think you’re a very rude person, Sapnap, so I’m sure you didn’t mean it but-”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?” Y/N asked eagerly.

“I need you to just...” Sapnap trailed off, moving his hand to cover her mouth. Y/N giggled at the action, her eyes bright, adoration shining unmistakably in them as she looked at him. “You love me?”  

Y/N gave a muffled answer, nodding her head just in case Sapnap wasn’t capable of understanding her. Sapnap chuckled, smiling back at her at last and removing his hand from her mouth. 

“Do you love me?” Y/N asked, her caffeine-fogged brain only now seeming to catch up with the situation, her eyes widening in fear of what she had just confessed to him. 

“I thought you already knew I did,” Sapnap shrugged simply. Y/N beamed, placing a sloppy kiss to his cheek. “I didn’t know that all it took to turn you into a simp was an overload of caffeine, if I’d known it before I definitely would have let you loose on the coffee supply earlier.” He teased her as Y/N curled up closer to him, resting her head contently on his shoulder.

“I’m not a simp!” Y/N protested. “I mean, I can’t be a simp - I don’t even know what that word means!”

Finishing 5K Blurb Requests

[zappho]

Some Meta on Murdock and mental illness

Generally speakig, The A-Team is a dumbass, light-hearted comedy with action on the same level as youtube poop videos. Obviously there isn’t alot of depth to be found here. The show had tons of different writers, all with their own take on Murdock and none of them offer any clear info or a proper backstory for the character. It’s basically up to the audience to fill in the blanks and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do by overanalyzing the mess that is the show’s canon.

The question of whether Murdock is ‘‘‘really crazy or just faking’‘’ has been around for over 30 years, but I’m gonna argue that he’s both.

When Kelly visits Murdock in the psychiatric hospital and confronts him about why he’s living there in the first place he gets instantly uncomfortable.

He really didn’t want her to ask, it’s why he’s been avoiding her. Joking about how you’re hashtag crazy™ is easy; having to admit that you’ve been institutionalized for over 10 years because you have legitimate problems is much harder. (Sure, the VA also gives him a convenient cover from the military police, but if that was the only reason for him to stay he wouldn’t react to Kelly’s question in this way). “It’s a long story”, is all he says. There are clearly some painful memories here that he’d rather not delve into.

He’d have to explain how he got committed in the first place. We know that after the gang was arrested for war crimes in ‘71, Murdock was still serving as a pilot in ‘72. They never clarified when and how Murdock was sent home, but i’m guessing without his only friends around and it being, you know...war, his mental health eventually deteriorated until he received a medical discharge straight into the VA hospital.

After Murdock gets wrongly released in season 1, instead of his friends being worried about his supposed cover getting blown they just shrug it off and go ‘Oh well!’ (This could all be due to the show’s inconsistent writing, but you know)

No longer being an inpatient would finally allow Murdock to be employed as a pilot again (his #1 passion), and yet he seems really disheartened about the situation. Even though the hospital gives him no privacy, the staff barely respects him and he spends most of his time there by himself, he still prefers to stay.

For a character who’s allegedly cheery comic relief, he sure gets his feelings hurt alot, mainly when dealing with other people’s ableism towards him. B.A. and Face are obviously just palling around, just guys bein’ dudes, they don’t want to hurt Murdock for real, they probably don’t realize how sensitive Murdock is about the subject. Usually he plays along or shrugs it off, but sometimes he gets genuinely upset. In the first half of In Plane Sight he’s so fed up with it he tries to ‘‘act normal’‘ until #Woke #Queen Hannibal reassures him that they love him the way he is.

PTSD was barely starting to become a diagnosis when the show first aired, but I think it’s fair to say he suffers from it. The pilot episode states that he has anxiety, paranoia and memory loss, so that checks out.

With PTSD you don’t just have to deal with flashbacks and nightmares, but also intrusive thoughts, images and memories about your trauma. Murdock copes with it by getting hyperfixated on a new activity or pretending he’s someone else. This is were alot of people will go ‘‘haha wow look how wacky and insane he is! He’s talking to his sock 😂’‘. But Murdock knows it’s all made up nonsense, he just needs his mind to focus on something else. What’s important here is that he never lets his coping mechanisms distract him when he’s flying, first of all he’s already focused and also he doesn’t wanna crash (lol). There’s a believability to his actions that’s missing in the 2010 reboot.

In the episode where the gang helps out the vietnamese cook from the POW camp where they’ve been tortured, Murdock tries to distract himself with some golfballs. He soon starts projecting his trauma on them however.

I think this is the only time in the show where Hannibal tears up, so this scene is kinda significant. As the leader, he probably blames himself for getting his team captured and tortured, and seeing that Murdock is still so strongly affected by it gotta hurt. 

Compared to the rest of the gang, Murdock’s alot more fucked up over the war. There are subtle changes in his voice whenever he talks about it. In the ep about their old war buddy Ray, Face was reminiscing about how cool of a guy Ray was for borrowing him his helmet, Murdock’s memories meanwhile are much less upbeat. ‘My bird was the only one left in the sky’ he remembers while we see an image of a field filled with shot down helicopters. His experiences are bound to be different from the other three as a huey medevac pilot. Murdock did have one off-screen breakdown in the present timeline, after collecting every newspaper article about the upcoming execution of the team in Firing Line. Apparently it was bad enough that he had to be restrained. It’s been 10 years, so he’s recovering and getting better, but he’s still not all there yet.

Everyone knows Murdock’s just messing around when he’s being interrogated by the military about his connections to the team, but like what about when the military isn’t there; or NO ONE is. He often talks to himself or just puts weird shit in his mouth for no reason while nobody’s paying attention to him (eating leaves, paint, an entire raw egg, a frozen sandwich). Sometimes he’s just unhinged like that.

Another thing that’s brought up a few times in the show is his anxiety. Murdock’s often seen being generally tense, sweaty, uncomfortable or reflective in the background of a scene. (I have no idea if this was a deliberate acting choice but Dwight does have anxiety irl so who knows if that had anything to do with it, I mean who knowsssssss, i’m just observing)

He’s got a habit of fidgeting with his hands or touching his neck when he’s stressed out. Murdock also does it when he’s telling his psychiatrist Dr. Richter about his dreams “If you were me, wouldn’t you be terrified to put your head down?” he asks him.

Richter isn’t really paying attention though, because he’s so used to Murdock’s non-stop clownery, he can’t exactly tell when his patient decides to be honest about his feelings for once. He just replies ‘Well only if it was a bad dream’. Which really irritates Murdock because what other dreams besides bad would he have? So he derails the session by rambling some made up bullshit on purpose.

Richter knows that Murdock uses humor and fantasy to cope, but he’s obviously tired of Murdock’s cringe antics, he just wants to help him. But Murdock doesn’t like to open up and be confronted with his traumas again, he just wants to avoid talking about it all together. There are still parts of reality that Murdock’s not ready to deal with, or he wouldn’t always retreat into his fantasies.

Before he can continue messing around a helicopter passes by and Murdock freezes for a second. Richter assures him that the helicopter is real; Murdock nods and starts fidgeting with his hands again, seemingly in deep thought. We know from the season 4 finale that he hears the sound of rotor blades when he dissociates. He was definitely being sincere here.

After getting drugged by some military goons he has a few brief flashbacks (feat. cheesy 80′s neon filters): seeing the chopper fly away, getting stuck in a potted plant as if he was walking through the jungle, being surrounded by heavy smoke and sparks from the burning carpet).

Despite being the 2nd highest ranked team member, Murdock dislikes being in charge and gets severly distressed when anything goes wrong that he might even be slightly responsible for. Most notably is the episode where the owners of the diner get kidnapped after Murdock got knocked out by evil cowboys or hill billies or whatever they were. Instead of telling anyone what happened, he’s just lying on the floor, repeatedly calling himself a failure until the others show up.

Seems like Murdock gets startled more easily than the rest of the crew as well. We often see him flinch when guns go off; one time he literally wore fluffy ear muffs to a backalley shootout.

This short moment from Family Reunion always stood out to me. Face opens the van door a little too quickly and it takes Murdock so off-guard he has to take deep breaths to calm down.

Murdock sounds exhausted when he has to remind Face not to sneak up on him. Face also realizes he messed up, he just wanted to check up on Murdock and not trigger him on accident.

When it comes to portrayals of mental illness in fiction there’s obviously better representation out there than Murdock. But sometimes you just wanna see a mentally ill character have a good time instead of being miserable 24/7. And Murdock’s already got the worst behind him, he’s had therapy for years and friends who love him. I just think that’s refreshing to see, especially with a character who’s so kind and openly affectionate.

[misc-headcanons]

Could I get headcanons on 3 different stages of feelings Katakuri goes through after his arranged marriage to his wife? Since there isn't much trust or any love between them when/how does he start to trust her? When does he start to like her? And when does he eventually fall in love with her? I hope that makes sense!

(Bless you for this ask, writing this made me so soft--and wish that I had a certain 15 foot tall sweetheart to cuddle with irl)

When he starts to trust her

During this stage, Katakuri would barely speak to her unless she spoke to him first. Even then, he wouldn't say much. In his mind, ____ is only here because Mama wants him to marry her, and he respects Mama's wishes. He views the marriage as just fulfilling another duty for the family, so he doesn't really go out of his way to spend time with her. Besides, he's used to keeping to himself.

He would be more inclined to trust his arranged fiance if she showed a willingness to be part of the family. Socializing with his siblings, especially Brulee, would make him warm up to her just a little bit. Carrying out tasks that Big Mom asks her to do, offering to help during a Hunger Pang (even if she can't calm Mama down, she could still help keep the citizens safe and calm), being motherly and kind to the child-aged siblings...things like that show Katakuri that she can be a good asset to the family and that she wants to get along with them. 

Respecting his privacy is a big plus. When he first talks about his Merienda, she may be a little confused as to why he's so adamant about being alone in a giant mochi shrine...but if she tries to respect that he wants to be alone during that time without much of a fuss, he appreciates it. It would still take a long time for him to ever tell her the reason for it, though.

When he starts to like her

If she expressed a fondness for sweets, and other things that Kata also likes, he'd actually warm up a bit and talk more often with her. If she ever mentioned she liked donuts, he'd be especially more verbal and his voice would be noticeably more excited (if only by a little bit) 

If they hang out a lot with Brulee and they get along well, he'd like that a lot as well. Brulee loves telling Kata's wife all sorts of funny/cute stories from when they were kids (but avoids telling her about her scar or Kata's mouth, of course). 

Any time he overhears her mentioning how she doesn't care much for appearances, he'd feel a little less self-conscious about himself and appreciate having a spouse who may not be completely horrified at seeing his face one day. He still would be ambivalent about revealing it to her, but after hearing her say something like that, he doesn't immediately assume that it would end poorly. That little glimmer of hope makes him feel...something. Something warm and optimistic, that he doesn't usually feel unless he's devouring a donut.

He'd also like if she were a kind person, but not a pushover. He knows how rude and downright sadistic some of his siblings (and mother) can be, and having a partner who won't immediately fold from any insults or invasive comments from the likes of Pudding or Flampe would make him respect his wife. This doesn't mean that she needs to be a top tier fighter or a beefy brick shithouse like him to be strong, though--Katakuri recognizes the kind of quiet, inner strength that a person can have. 

Having a partner who asks how he feels about things would also make him feel...he doesn't know really, but he appreciates it. He works so hard to be the perfect big brother that everyone in the family relies on, to be the perfect Sweet Commander and warrior, AND be the perfect son to Big Mom. He doesn't let himself feel tired or stressed if his family needs him, but having someone (besides Brulee) who genuinely wants to know if he needs help is something new that he doesn't mind. If she offered to help lighten his workload or give him a gift she thought he's like, he'd blush a bit behind his scarf and try to let her do something that he doesn't need to do personally (usually his administrative work as the one in charge of Flour Island) /accept her gift while saying "thank you" in a quiet low rumble. 

When he falls in love with her

When he really does trust her, and when they've been together for a long time--likely a few months, maybe a year, but prior to marrying her--he would ask to speak to her alone and tell her why he covers his face. His heart is racing the entire time, and when he finally removes his scarf to her, he's scanning her expression for any signs of horror or revulsion. But if she isn't afraid beyond that initial shock/surprise at seeing his fangs, he's stunned. If she compliments his appearance, he's downright flustered. 

This moment is really the only time when he can finally realize that he's in love with her. Revealing his biggest insecurity/vulnerability to her is the ultimate test of trust for him, and he hasn't even done this for most of his own family. But this is his fiancee, someone he's going to spend the rest of his life with, and he would only do this when he genuinely thought he could trust them. Even if she was repulsed by his face, he would be disappointed, but he'd simply cover his face like he does for everyone else so he doesn't scare her. But the fact that she reacts so calmly and actually likes how he looks...he can't begin to describe how that makes him feel.

Even after this incident, he'd hesitate whenever she asks to join him during one of his Meriendas. Seeing his fangs is one thing, but seeing how slovenly and indulgent he can be with his donuts is something else entirely. But...eventually he would say yes (and maybe add a stipulation that for the first time she joins him, she needs to wear a blindfold--he's just so unused to people watching him eat), and if her feelings/demeanor didn't change when she eventually saw him eat, he'd be very moved.

Out of context, it may seem a bit weird that her not really caring how he looks/acts when he eats donuts is what finally makes him fall for his fiancee. But this is the one sinful, vulnerable, weakness that he has--and having someone who accepts him for who he is, completely and unconditionally...the only person on earth besides her to do that is Brulee. It's at this moment that he realizes he's in love with his fiancee, and he's so thankful that he's lucky enough to know her and be her husband.

[hvunvely]

The Marshmallow Dream

For those who don’t know, I’ve been having a lot of really odd Stray Kids related dreams lately and I just wanted to share them with the world cuz what the genuine fuck. Enjoy :)

So we start off with me in a giant padded white jacket looking like a marshmallow

And I’m not talking “oh it was a little puffy”

I was fucking huge

I’m talking like a relative of Baymax

Like you could attach a basket onto me and I could take you on a hot air balloon ride

Anyway I digress

Needless to say I could barely walk in that thing

So I just waddled my way down the street

With 8 other clowns who go by the name of stray kids in the same predicament as me :)))))

And we all try holding hands in a giant line and skipping down the street

Now I say TRY because it’s hard when you’re the size of a whale

So it was more so of our little finger nibs touching?????

And our skipping was more so a....shuffle that didn’t end up with us falling on our face?????

THATS BESIDES THE POINT

We were all giggly and it was super cute 🥺

Seungmin smiled at me and I swear the world just kinda stopped

But then jisung pouts about his hands being cold

And my BOLD DREAM-SELF?????

GRABS HIS HANDS?????

LOCKS OUR FINGERS????

AND PUTS THEM IN MY POCKET????

?!!??!?!?

And then felix goes “hey what about me🥺”

AND I DID THE SAME WITH MY OTHER HAND TO HIM???!?!

I’m a coward irl guys I could never

But my bold dream self clearly isn’t👀

ANYWAYS

we all find a nice little coffee shop where we can sit down outside and have a nice drink :)

Except we can’t exactly sit down...

We’re so fucking puffy that the chairs just slide out from underneath us and we fall straight on our ass

And of course we find it amusing and have no regard for our personal safety

So we do it again

And again

And again....

It’s nice that our coats protected out asses from being bruised now that I think about it....

At some point jisung fell and couldn’t get back up again

You know like a turtle that’s stuck on its shell???

But we had little T-Rex arms because of our jackets so we were no help

We just laughed at his misery :))))

But then we became aware of our little dilemma

There weren’t enough seats for everyone

So Felix being the little ball of sunshine that he is goes

“That’s okay! I can just sit in someone’s lap! :) ”

Except everytime he tried a member just shoved him off lol

Even Chan

And when I tell you dream SKZ + I were shocked it doesn’t even cover it

We were APALLED

Felix even sat there on the ground with his mouth hanging open

But we all moved on really quick lol

It was just a game of pass the felix at this point

But it just always ended with him on the ground....

Poor bub :(

First Chan rejects him, and then his members too?

So I decided enough was enough

I offered him a seat with me

And this boi angry-waddle- stomps over

Plops himself into my lap

And sticks his tongue out to the others while shouting

“SUCK ON THAT BITCHES”

.....

Yeah that clearly didn’t go well with the rest

Next thing you know they all tackled us to the ground

But it was fine cuz all of us were just in a nice cuddle pile on the ground :,)

Just laughing and having a good time

Then I woke up because I kept getting spammed on one of my group chats :)))

And funny thing is

My text tone is Xiumin’s “marshmallow”

I think that might have solved the mystery of why we were giant marshmallow people......

Aaaaaaand that was my wild dream. I have a few more that I’d love to share so like and reblog if you want me to share!

[ardenttheories]

And onto that odd little meta piece I was talking about. It’s really more of a fandom observation.

Despite not knowing what Bro looks like, the entire fandom seemed to gravitate towards two ideas: Twunk, or Hunk. Every piece of fanart I’ve seen usually has him thickly built, trim down the waist but broad shouldered and coiled with muscle, or at the very least with some sort of defined musculature that usually isn’t present on other characters. E.g. x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x

You’ll also typically find a theme with the artist’s choice of expression or facial features; strong jaw, sharp nose, often frowning. 

And this all comes from...

This sprite. A sprite, mind you, that’s exactly the same as this:

And yet the expression of this character is wholly different. 

He’s often drawn slimmer, with slanted shoulders and either a thin dorito-waistline or a relatively similar shoulder to hip ratio. He often has more curved features - his jawline, his nose - and his expression almost always determined or soft. E.g. x, x, x, x, x, x

And for emphasis: this is how two artists chose to draw them side by side. E.g. x, x

It’s also very rare to see people draw Alpha Dave the same height as Bro. From memory - and I got into Homestuck roughly during the height of the Alpha kids’ popularity - most of the fanart I saw with any instance of Bro and A!Dave in the same image had a pretty fair height difference. 

Again: this comes from the exact same sprite. When you layer Bro’s sprite over A!Dave’s, you’ll be able to fit them together pixel to pixel (except, of course, the arm - A!Dave’s got his arm up holding the sword, unlike Bro - and the jawline - which is much more curved than Bro’s, but when we actually see Alpha Dave’s sprite in canon, it isn’t really long enough to focus on this tiny feature [especially when you consider that Grandpa Harley has the same face shape, but people still draw him with a defined jawline]). 

So, why so different? Why would people draw these two characters so wildly different when, for instance... 

Both Moms are drawn almost exactly the same. 

It’s pretty obvious when you think about it, but it’s also an incredibly important thing to note if you ever plan on creating your own characters. 

Character interactions define how we view characters that have yet to be introduced or do not have a wholly set image. 

When we think of Bro, we have to be realistic: we know absolutely nothing about who he is as a person, or what he looks like, besides the information that we get from Dave. So, when we get the information that he’s physically abusive, that he has cameras around the entire apartment, partakes in puppet snuff for the sake of a pornographic website, leaves such pornographic paraphenalia around the apartment for a young Dave to see, and that he’s emotionally closed off and distant, we immediately start to form an image of him in our minds that’s based on what we can define as an amalgamation of toxic masculinity and male abusers. 

It’s not exactly hard to imagine why the most common fanart of him circulates as a tall, imposing, broad figure who barely smiles and would be incredibly hard to get around in a small, dark alley. 

We also need to remember, of course, that Dave is a child while he describes Bro. An adult is almost always going to be tall and imposing to a child - is always going to be stronger and physically more capable than a child. 

Bro could be the most average joe you’ve ever met, but because we learn about him from the viewpoint of a child who quite literally cannot fight back, the image of him becomes tilted to the buff end of the spectrum. 

He becomes someone we would fear seeing. Someone who could overpower us, and not just a child under his care. He is big and strong because that is how Dave sees him, and that is how we come to understand him as a character.

Big, strong, violent, with sexual overtness and a lack of emotion. It’s pretty much the only way you can imagine him, even when his sprite is incredibly lacking in detail. 

So, why the softness for Alpha Dave? 

Pretty simply, because we already know who Dave is by the time Alpha Dave is introduced. People already had an idea of what Dave looked like, who he’d be when he grew up. People had already decided that Dave, being so different from Bro, being such a hero, would never be able to achieve the same sort of toxic masculinity that Bro did - would never have the same shape, the same musculature, that comes with that toxic imagery. 

 We also got told about him by a young teen who absolutely idolised him. Who emphasised his good traits and spoke about how absolutely badass he was. 

The connotations with Alpha Dave are so much more positive than with Bro. That in and of itself would have changed how people drew him. But when you combine him with the concept that he’s Dave, the Dave that went through all that abuse and came out the other side hating everything that Bro stood for, it’s hard not to draw him as Bro’s nigh complete opposite. 

So, he’s smaller. He’s got less of that musculature that people associate with toxic masculinity (the ability to overpower someone smaller), and he has a much closer shoulder-to-hip ratio (something that makes him take up less space, and come across as less imposing). He smiles more, he emotes more, he’s much more emotionally open - and even when he’s meant to be “cool”, it’s often with some sort of smug or determined look, not the ever-present blankness or snarl that we see from Bro. 

He loses all of the traits that we’d associate with an abuser. Instead, he becomes a pretty ordinary hero - someone who can stand up and fight back, but isn’t overly heroic or powerful. Someone who might still struggle, but can handle things. 

This is despite the fact, of course, that we know nothing about Alpha Dave’s upbringing or life besides what Dirk tells us - and Brain Ghost Dirk, at that. Unreliable narrators are not a good place to find valuable information, and, once again, the in-comic sprite is literally the exact same as Bro’s.

Fandom perception is an incredibly powerful thing. 

So, what about Dirk? How does he fare in all of this?

Dirk’s actually a weird figure in everything, and this comes down to a very simple yet paradoxical concept:

We already had ideas on who Bro was, yet we actively get to see who Dirk is. 

It’s very hard to go into something expecting one person and getting another. We can see all those notes in Dirk that we saw in Bro - the toxic tendencies, the hyper masculinity, the divorced note from people and emotions - but we see them within the specific framework of a teenager with mental illness. 

This isn’t just an asshole, abusive adult. This is that adult’s younger self in a better mindset to try and do good by the people he loves. We see this time and time again - when he says how much he cares about Roxy, when he expresses his guilt that he couldn’t be romantically invested in her, when he shares the fears he holds of his splinters, when he admits that Bro is exactly what he could be and is genuinely scared of being - that he is the foundation of Bro, but not Bro in a very important way. 

It’s also needless to say that people connected with Dirk in the exact same way that people connected with Dave. When you look at a lot of vent art involving him, it’s almost always about mental illness - anxiety, impulsive or intrusive thoughts, a desperate need for control in life, self harm or a dislike for oneself - and a fair bit of generic art revolving around Dirk includes some sort of deeper mental struggle. 

He’s a victim, in a similar way that Dave is, but he’s also just far enough that he could be a villain. 

You find that a lot of fanart therefore shows this paradoxical nature. 

In some, he’s softer. The ratio between his hips and his shoulders is narrower, his jawline is more curved. E.g. x, x, x, x

In others, he’s sharper. He’s drawn with more defined muscle, with a stronger jawline and broader shoulders, and though he’s definitely slim you can definitely see just how close he is to becoming the same figure as Bro. E.g. x, x, x, x, x 

And in others, he’s an odd mix of both. A brooding figure with a softer jawline, but still imposing and sharp in his own right - or even the complete opposite, with sharp features and defined shapes, but slimmer and smaller, much less imposing. E.g. x, x, x, x, x, 

So, I think we can make a pretty firm observation that the way Dirk is drawn reflects how the artist views his journey and his struggles. Whether he’s his own person, closer to Bro, or somewhere stuck in between. 

As you can see from most of this art, there’s a few ways that people draw Dirk; raring to fight and smug/confident, fairly sombre and down, almost tired, or standoffish and closed off. Even this is somewhere in between the way people view Bro and Alpha Dave. 

So, it’s then interesting to take a look at the Epilogues. 

New art of Dirk was produced in line with the Meat Epilogue. And while I really only know of one piece that catches my eye every time I see it, I think it’s important to point out that, in almost all of these images, one of two body types appear for Dirk:

1) Broad, muscular, tall. He takes up space and commands attention. Sharp features, wider shoulders.

2) Smaller, less imposing, yet somehow intimidating in just the expressions he makes and the way he holds himself. If you can imagine any fuckboy you’d be scared of being cornered by at a party, you’ve got a good idea of this style of fanart. 

In other words, either tipped way more to looking like Bro, or so close to looking like something you’d be scared of IRL - which perfectly reflects how uncomfortable he feels within the narration of the Epilogue, and some of the more questionable things he has happen in it. 

I also want to just add in as a side note: almost all of the links I added about Dirk go to Pinterest for sake of ease for people to find other images for reference, since I’m really just collecting the art I like most. On most of the Dirk ones, scrolling down will reveal the aforementioned vent art; on most of the Dave ones, scrolling down will reveal much softer, sweeter pieces of art involving him and people he’s loved throughout the comic. Just something interesting to add into this discussion - think about what that means for how people view either Strider.

So, what was all of this about?

Honestly, it’s me just pointing out how important character opinions and preconceived ideas are to the way people view other characters. So much of the way we see Bro is influenced by how Dave sees him and our cultural understanding of what toxic, hypermasculine male abusers look like. So much of the way we see Alpha Dave is based around our understanding of Dave, and what little we can fill in from Brain Ghost Dirk, rather than on who he actually is as a person (and we could be wrong; we could be very, very wrong). So much of the way of the way we see Dirk is influenced by Bro, and yet by what we see in canon. 

If we had different ideas and different opinions from different characters, we might draw each of them wildly different. But it is this specific combination of lack of physical description and cultural association/character perception that ensures we draw them the way they are. 

[tenrkarchive]

happy #rkfifth ! PT. 1

so, i’ve finally found some time to get around to this! rkfifth is a big thing for me, so i definitely wanted to write something for it!

i first joined rookies back at the very end of 2015 with rkjaehyung. he was a pet shop worker who managed to hit it off with a lot of people really quickly, but sadly he didn’t last long, and was soon replaced by a muse i still hold very close to my heart despite him not surviving long either. that muse was rkhansol/solrk. he was my first dancer muse who, in all honesty, wasn’t very nice to begin with. it took a special friend (rkbyxngjoo) to loosen him up and make him a lot less cold towards people he didn’t know. sadly, having been hit really hard by his first failure after trying to get signed, and rkbjoo’s departure, i let him go, and subsequently took a break from rp for a few months.

when i returned, i came back with rkhyukkie. he was another muse i cherished a lot (which was clear from how many times i brought him back over the years). to this day i still somewhat miss him, and have to stop myself from throwing everything away to bring him back. he started out as a playful, witty, and genuinely surprising (for me) at how he changed from me thinking him up, to him actually interacting with people. he fell in love, but he ended up being dropped too, then brought back a few months later, and once again didn’t last long. i realised there was something off with him, that kept me from finding a comfy way of writing him, to keep him a stable muse, so i left him alone for a while. 

after him, i had multiple muses, i also brought back rkhansol, who was now solrk. he was nicer, having been living life peacefully pursuing dance in the months i hadn’t rped him. he was still in love, and still living in a dingy little apartment though, but this time he managed to snag the boy, and eventually decided he’d rather not be an idol, but simply stick to dancing in other ways, so that he could have a more peaceful life with his boyfriend. 

after this point my memory gets hazy and i know i had rkshiah (who may have been before solrk but im super unsure on this one) for a while somewhere, but she didn’t have as much impact on me as minhyuk and hansol had. 

then comes december 7th of 2016, and this is where something frankly miraculous happened. tenrk was born. i’d been a very casual fan on nct since they debuted in april of that year, but hadn’t gotten truly deep into stanning them. on a whim i thought ‘hey this guys cute, i’ll rp him and see how it goes!’. i had no idea at that time that tenrk would become something so special to me. he started out very different. he was sarcastic, and liked to tease people. he liked sports, and was more creative than charismatic, but after i started stanning irl ten, tenrk became heavily influenced by him (without me even trying). he softened up a lot, and his attention moved away from creativity, and he became less of a cheeky, annoying teen boy, and more of a tender, sweet young man who loved nothing more than dancing and his friends. 

throughout 2017 i had multiple muses, all of whom i cannot remember (i’m so sorry to all of them). none lived long, because beside tenrk, none of them could really stand up to how important he was to me and how much i enjoyed writing him. towards the end of 2017 i had dahyunrk and rkdaniel, but later dropped dahyun and swapped daniel out for rkhyuk.

now, to this day i still adore rkhyuk, who was a more mature, calm version of rkhyukkie. in a way, he was rkhyukkie, but with a few changes in his past. he lasted quite a while, which was rather surprising to me after how rkhyukkie didn’t hold up well, but rkhyuk, sadly, went through multiple heartbreaks in his time here. people he cared about leaving took a toll on him and eventually he became lonely, and being an idol just wasn’t what he wanted anymore. he tried his hand in the mgas, but it only solidified for him how he didn’t care much for performing anymore. whether it was due to the sadness he was battling with, or him just having grown out of his desire to be an idol, i’m still not sure, but i do know i still miss him, and i still want to rework him as a muse and if possible bring him back one day to try and get him that happily ever after he always dreamed of. 

during the time i had rkhyuk lucas debuted, and as adamant as i was about not falling for someone so loud and seemingly heterosexual (lol im sorry down with the hets bois), his soft side quickly showed, and i fell for the tall goofball. yukheirk was born on march 7th 2018. he was one of those muses who seemed to hit it off well with people to begin with (though that died down a lot later on sadly). he was that typical hetero ‘no homo bro’ type guy, which was really just him hiding a deep fear for his suspected bisexuality. 

yukheirk went through a lot in only his first few months here. he dated two girls, kissed na jaemin (sorry donghyuck), had a sexual awakening and feel in love, all before his horrible accident that ended his skating career. he became rkxuxi after adopting the nickname sicheng called him as his official name, since the name he chose for his skating career, lucas, now brought only bad memories. he’s still recovering now, many months after the accident, but now he’s got the boy of his dreams, and is working towards full recovery, and a happier outlook on life. he has some exciting things planned, and a bit of a change of direction in a way, but you’ll just have to wait to see all that!

now, for my newest baby, who honestly, i’ve been neglecting a little (especially since i started working recently it’s taken up a lot of my time). on september 26th 2018, rkguanheng arrived in rookies, who i talked about a lot before actually bringing him in. for a while he was just for fun dm rping, but he seemed so different to my current muses that i felt it would be beneficial to me to bring him in. he’s not as easily pacified as ten and xuxi, and speaks up when someone does something that bothers him. he’s not afraid of ruining budding relationships by speaking up when someone’s done something that upsets him, and that’s what i like about him. ten and xuxi are more likely to grin and bare things in silence, guanheng, however, knows when something isn’t fair.

guanheng is the most focused muse i have - he’s a creative writer. currently not a great dancer (and i don’t think he ever really will be) which is so unlike my muses (i’m such a sucker for dancers). i really like him so far, and am excited to write for him more when i find the time to plot more and get him really going. 

but for now i think that’s the entirety of my history here at rookies. i didn’t really go much into depth on tenrk, but all i really can say is he’s been through so much over the years, and having just passed his two year mark (which i studpidly missed as usual), he’s my longest ever tumblr rp muse. writing for him is almost like writing a journal sometimes, because out of all my muses, he’s the most like me. i put so much of myself into him that i suppose that’s why he’s lasted so long. to lose him would be like losing 2 years of my life. he’s had heartbreaks, emotional rollercoasters, and became one of the first boys in rookies to debut. when i first came to rookies, all those years back in 2015, i never thought i’d be here today, with a muse lasting longer than 2 years, who’s debuted, and had such a long romantic storyline, but, here’s the proof.

this is only part one of my rkfifth post, and since this has gotten so long, i want to stop here and make another post to thank each and every person who has made my time here so amazing. 

[markipwiwer]

I'm on an angst train and you've written quite a bit lately with angst for Wilford and Dark but what about our boy Anti? I don't really have any ideas as to how it'll be angsty... and Anti doesn't deserve angst, but here we are.

Was this actually angst in the end? Who even knows, I had like zero angst ideas and a lot of head cannons and this was a hot mess but shruuuug emoji

-

Wilford had many, many guests on his show, both real and fiction. In general, he usually tried to avoid people he knew, people he had too many connections to, because what was the point of blackmailing someone that he could already get to from so many different sides?

Dark hadn’t been particularly miffed when Wilford decided to interview Mark. In fact the only thing e was disappointed about was the fake stabbing. Dark wished it had been real. But nonetheless, if Dark didn’t mind Wilford interviewing Mark, then by extension Anti shouldn’t have minded Wilford interviewing Jack.

But Anti did mind. He minded an awful lot.

Wilfords first hint was the studio losing power half way into the interview. It wasn’t stormy out and Jack wasn’t exactly supernatural. But it hadn’t been the first time, and it was by the by. They carried on with the episode once Bim reset the grid, making some off-hand comment about faulty wiring.

But Anti didn’t know what Wilford was saying or doing. At first, he was just angry about Wilford being around Jack in the first place. It was only later, once Anti dug through Bing’s network to find the footage, that Anti was ridiculously pissed off.

Maybe Anti wouldn’t have been so pissed off if Wilford hadn’t been so… himself? Because Wilford was a hardcore flirt, and although he was usually dismissive and demeaning about it to those he didn’t really care about, he still did it. And that was what sucked.

Dark didn’t hate Mark in the same way that Anti hated Jack. Anti had, at one point, almost wanted to be close to Jack, close to this perfect little clone of himself. But Anti was, according to everyone else, the shitty evil twin that everyone hated and didn’t want to talk about unless Anti made it impossible for people not to talk about him.

So when Wilford said things like “You look so familiar” and “That’s a face I know intimately well” to fucking JACK, it just… it sucked.

Because Jack was perfect and everyone loved and cared about him oh so much and no matter how much Anti tried, he would always, ALWAYS be in that fuckers shadow. He didn’t want to be in Jacks shadow in his own goddamn relationship.

Anti accidentally made the building surge as he watched back the footage of the interview. He didn’t even notice, he kept the computer running that was playing everything and that was it. And then Wilford, that pink fucking bastard, had the gaul to pretend to strangle Jack at the end of the interview, in the same way he pretended to kill Mark.

That fucking cunt. Anti wanted to be choked out, damn it! Why the fuck did Jack get the privilege? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair.

As Anti went to storm out of the media room, Bing burst through the door. He immediately did not look comfortable, and it seemed he was already panicked before he’d seen the state Anti was in. Glitching, eyes glowing, thick ‘blood’ leaking onto his shirt and dripping on the floor.

“D-dude… the whole building just went nuts! The Googles surged and everything ‘cus they were plugged in!”

Anti didn’t say much in reply. He knew it was probably his doing and there was some tiny Conscience in the back of his head that told him he should feel bad for surging the IRLs.

Behind Anti, the monitor continued to play Wilford slowly, surely choking Jack to death. Anti wondered how he made it look real, since Jack looked like he was turning blue.

“I t-traced the outage back to here and… Dark’s coming, dude.”

Anti let out an annoyed, animalistic groan at the idea of Dark trying to parent him again through another one of his ‘outbursts’, and he disappeared in a flash of gross pixels that sent a chill down Bing’s artificial spine.

Not two seconds later, Dark walked into the room with just Bing and some fading pixels. He took one look at the monitor and transported himself to the studio, where Wilford no doubt was, consulting and editing and directing some of his secondary projects.

Bing stayed in the media room, very confused, as the monitor flashed a little and turned off.

-

At first, Bing had assumed Anti had gone to confront Wilford. And it appeared that Dark had made the same assumption, as Bing could see on the back up security monitors. Dark appeared almost directly in front of Wilford, completely interrupting whatever conversation Wilford had been having, but the pink man was happily oblivious to any… well, would it have been danger? Did Dark think Anti could have hurt Wilford if he was jealous enough? At the very least he found it important enough to not hesitate with.

But no. Instead, Wilford and Dark seemed to duck a little, almost looking like they were blocking their ears or something. Everyone else in the studio seemed to be doing the same, and Bing would have had time to be concerned if it weren’t for the rumbling and then ear shattering screech that seemed to run through the house with a fury. It sounded like a pained cry, artificial, broken. Staticky. But still loud enough and powerful enough to completely wreck Bing’s audio input, and he was quite suddenly deaf. He could still feel the rumbling in the ground for a few more seconds, and then it just… stopped.

-

None of the Ipliers saw Anti for another two days and Wilford felt gross and guilty. Once Dark had analysed the footage, he explained to Wilford what the problem may have been. And Wilford felt very sucky. Of course Anti didn’t want to have to compete with Jack any more than he already usually did, and overall, it just looked bad.

But after two days of hearing nothing, they began to get worried. Bing had his hearing fixed and the Googles hadn’t lost anything important, luckily. And, after a careful plan was constructed as to how to apologise to Anti, Wilford and Dark made their way to the Septic house.

-

The Septic house was a lot smaller than Ego Inc in general, it was almost homey. Considering the way Anti usually acted around them, around the Egos and around Dark and Wilford, they were very surprised when they transported into the living area to find Anti signing wildly at Jameson. Jameson watched intently, before signing back, and Anti made some sort of a noise. His body made it seem like it was supposed to be a laugh, but the actual aural output seemed to state otherwise.

Schneeplestein, who had been reading a book on the couch, exclaimed when the Egos just appeared in their abode with no real warning. Anti and Jameson shot around, both looking… almost guilty. Anti hugged himself, struggling to look at either Wilford or Dark, and Jameson waved a small ‘hello’.

Schneeplestein stood up, extending his hand to the Ipliers in greeting, saying it was nice to see them, then turning to Anti, and spoke with that strange German accent.

“Would you like me to translate?”

Anti looked genuinely sheepish, not something commonly seen in him, as he nodded and begin to sign, generally in Darks direction. He barely addressed Wilford. Schneeplestein watched his signing closely and spoke for him.

“I would not like the lecture. I broke my voice and I came here so that I could think. I’m not sorry for my anger, but I am sorry for not talking about it. Now I cannot talk. I feel this is ironic.”

It was clear that a lot of Antis general mannerisms didn’t totally translate through sign, but even his hand gestures were slightly different from the way Jameson did it. Where Jameson was very proper, almost well-spoken in that sense, Anti was quick and flicked his wrists a lot and used more interesting facial expressions.

Wilford spoke first, because there was a lot of silence happening here.

“No. I’m sorry. I should have been more sensitive, I should have asked you, I should have focused on you more.”

Anti shrugged and signed, with Schneeps voice translating again.

“You always pay attention to me. Probably too much. Besides, I got to come back and spend some time with these… A-S - oh, assholes.”

Schneeplestein seemed to struggle slightly with that last part, but it was okay. He smiled anyway and so did Anti. It wasn’t the huge, cheeky smile Dark and Wilford had come to know, but it was a start.

Dark spoke next.

“We have missed you an awful lot. And if we can work past this, we’d love to have you back home.”

Dark didn’t often seem soft or genuine or just plain caring, but his missing Anti had gotten to him. He hadn’t even directly been involved and the situation, yet it felt like a punishment not being able to see him.

Schneep watched Anti and spoke.

“Alright. But I might need a white board.”

Wilford smiled as well, not his usual beam, but something sweeter, less threatening or even charming.

“A small price to pay for your forgiveness, Kitten.”

Anti shoved him, playfully, while Jameson and Schneep gave each other a knowing look.

Sometimes, every now and then, when he was forced to take a long look at his own ego, Anti didn’t have to be the evil twin. Sometimes he could be rather wholesome.

[wiccamoody]

Alright, under the cut is my ii review. It's very long and divided into sections because I'm like that.

The audience

I'm starting off with the easy bit. So something I didn't entirely expect (but kind of did at the same time? Usually I'm pleasantly surprised by these kinds of events) was how old I felt. I'm 19. I'm practically a baby. I shouldn't ever feel old unless I'm surrounded by kindergarteners. But besides people's parents and a few people who I could tell were my age or older, everyone was so young. I mean, duh, I'm pretty sure the average age in the phandom is like 16 or something, but it was wild to me, though maybe that's because I've curated the shit out of my fandom experience. And this wasn't a bad thing at all! The only bad thing about feeling 'old' was that people letting out ear splitting screams at literally nothing was giving me a headache and made me roll my eyes at multiple points (ahem, I think screaming when you see the empty stage that we've seen a million times before is a bit much, but maybe that's me being grumpy). Otherwise, it was really, really nice to see such a diverse and lovely group of people come together and just have fun. I wasn't dancing at any of the songs or whatever (but you bet your ass I sang my heart out when WTTBP was playing), however it was really cute to see people in such good moods. It's one of my favourite parts of fandom events. I was glad that this one wasn't like some events I've been to where people are dicks to everyone is they aren't friends with. Everyone just seemed so nice and happy, and I really felt a sense of community there too, which was lovely. Also, even though I've said this several times, it really was so lovely to meet @lesterchuu and @astudyinfondness. They were so lovely and it was great to meet people off the internet. 

Okay, now that we've got the fluff out of the way, let's get to the meat of this review: the show.

Dan

To put it plainly: Dan was acting. I'll get into why Phil was but also "wasn't" acting, but it was very clear that Dan was playing ~Daniel Howell. He had a few character breaks, like when he smacked his leg into the stage twice and almost said fuck both times. He also fiddled with his mic a lot, and I don't know if that's giving his hands something to do while Phil's talking, or if it was actually bothering him, but it was something I noticed.

Speaking of mannerisms, I was surprised to see how, for lack of a better term, 'campy' Dan's body language can be. He also walked very awkwardly across the stage a few times, which made me laugh.

Anyway, Dan was really interesting for me to watch because he was so in character the whole time. His 'Dan' voice is something that kind of bothers me after a while (which is why I like his liveshows the best out of his solo content), and while I didn't get bothered by it during the show, I was extremely hyper aware of its presence, which was the main thing that made me go "Oh Dan's really acting right now". Maybe that should be super obvious since I've listened to audio clips of the show before and know that it's 90% scripted, but I suppose I wasn't expecting it to be so obvious to me when I was watching it. Also, it was incredibly jarring (but also pleasant, in a way) to hear Dan's cackle irl. Along with that, Dan's facial expressions were always 'turned on'. Besides when he fixed his mic, whenever Phil was talking he looked full of energy and rearing to go.  Dan's dedication to his character kind of took me out of the loose narrative of the show because of how obvious I found it to be, but I know that's just me over analyzing things since I generally find Dan's mannerisms so interesting to watch. He did a really great job though.

Phil

I found Phil so much more interesting to watch through the whole show. Phil was definitely acting, but it was different from the way Dan was acting. Dan had the pacing and energy of someone who has to stay in a relatively emotionally stagnant character, while Phil came across very similarly to how he does in his videos. It was definitely played up a bit more because he's still acting in a stage show (side note: they must have decided to get some training before this one because they were a lot less stiff than in tatinof. I've only seen the youtube red version of it, but even then their acting was Not Great in it compared to this time around), but he felt more true to the Phil we see on the gaming channel and in liveshows than Dan did.

I think a lot of Phil's behaviour in this particular show was influenced by how exhausted he seemed to be that day. He looked tired in his instagram story, and on stage he definitely had a more neutral face than Dan did when Dan was talking. There were a few moments where I could see Phil falter and watch his expression shift to his 'Done' face, but it was only for a split second every time (yeah, I barely looked at them when they were talking. I was mostly trying to see what they looked like when the other was talking because for some reason I feel like that's more telling. Maybe I'm weird idk).

I'm not sure if he always sits for the simulation bit, but the fact that Dan didn't made me think that they usually stand so I think the tour was really starting to take a toll on him near the end there. He also popped a few squats and swayed his hips a lot which was amusing to me. Oh, and a bit that I found hilarious was after he got off the wheel and was undressing, he bent over so his ass was facing the audience while Dan was talking and everyone cheered which cut Dan off. Phil was struggling to get the suit over his shoes too so he kind of waddled into one of the wings but the spotlight kept following him. Eventually he just sat down on the stage and pulled it off, but I thought it was a funny moment (even if it's something that happens at every show where Phil's on the wheel).

Something else about Phil that really shone through here, similar to how it is in videos but not to the same extent, is how naturally funny he is. Again, it wasn't to the same extent that it is in videos since he's acting, but some of their little ad libbed moments were so much better because of Phil's quick humour.

Dan & Phil

Something I noticed right away was that their dynamic was far from the flirty and silly one we get on dapg, or even in joint videos/liveshows. I expected this since the show is mostly scripted, so that's fine, but it was still  very obvious to me the entire time. They didn't bounce off of each other in the same way they do in videos of course, but god they work so well together. The show didn't change my perception of them in the slightest, but it did make me see how much of a unit they really are. This was something I was very aware of before obviously, but seeing it irl made it a little more concrete, which was interesting. They really are the perfect package deal together and for each other. Their dynamic made me crave more from them though. The inner workings of their relationship are so interesting to me, and while it's far more likely than not that we'll ever get even the smallest glimpse into that part of their lives, it has me intrigued. But more on that later.

Moving onto the extremely superficial portion of this section, I was surprised to see how...similar they look to how they appear in videos. I was close enough to be able to see their sweat and whatnot, and I found it odd how they actually do look like they do online. I realise how ridiculous that sounds, but it was something that was running through my mind. The way they move their bodies was really quite awkward at times, but honestly I relate and I had a feeling they would be a little awkward in some bits. There was a moment when Dan looked right at the spot where I was sitting for a long time (obviously not directly at me, but in a spot either right in front or behind me--maybe he zoned out) while he was talking about something. I think it was during the real conversation section because he was sitting down, but I really didn't hear anything either of them were saying because my mind was like "wow his eyes are a really nice shade of brown" haha. In short, they're both pretty. Oh, and I could definitely see Dan's nipples the entire time.

The show & what I took away from it

To sum up my feelings in a few words: I really enjoyed myself! I had a lot of fun, but all it really did was make me crave a real conversation with them. This show was not nearly as enjoyable to me as a video or a liveshow, and I didn't expect it to be. I knew that it was going to be formulaic and that there would be a few moments that I would genuinely adore, but otherwise it was just going to be a fun time where I spend way too much money and get to see them 25 feet away. That's not a bad thing, either. I'm okay with that. I went in knowing that nothing revolutionary is going to happen because this show really isn't about me as a fan, or my fabricated one-way friendly connection to them, or what I want from them. I'm simply there to enjoy myself and explicitly support them monetarily, which is expected and fine. And I also never anticipated this show to be mind blowingly spectacular or anything, concept and script-wise. I don't expect that from Dan and Phil ever, and that's really not why I watch them. I'm definitely here because their chemistry is like nothing else and I find their relationship so fascinating. I think overall as someone who wasn't anticipating much and who had spoiled themselves as much as possible, seeing it actually exceeded my expectations. And it's a big plus in my book that it actually was a lot better than tatinof (but that's a whole other post tbh). The only thing that really annoyed me was the way fic is treated, but this happens in every show so I was expecting it, though it didn't stop me from being unimpressed. Oh, and I didn't appreciate being constantly shamed for voting for the craft videos. We all know that's where their content peaked.

I'm a little frustrated by how much it made me actually want to get to know them though, like I said earlier about being intrigued by the inner bits of their dynamic. I've said this for years, but I'd really love to have a long chat with them over coffee or drinks. I think it would be interesting. But that's a pipe dream and a half so this will definitely suffice.

I adore how queer the show was too. The fact that they're comfortable enough now to travel around the world with so many queer references in the scripted parts of their show makes me really happy for them.

Overall, I left the show in a good mood and feeling really fond of them. It was a nice time.