#genuinely feel like i should trigger warning this because the impulsive thoughts should be giving ME trigger warnings

[icecreambeach]

anyone else get occasionally assaulted by thoughts of holmes and/or watson dying in sussex? like, maybe one day, when they are both very old, holmes wakes up to watson in his arms and he knows right away. he genuinely believed he would be the first to go. he steps downstairs and lights up a pipe. he stands there for a long time. he writes a few letters and sends them out. he walks around the house, observing everything. then he goes outside to sit near the bees. he listens to their soft humming and passes away in the sunshine.

or, one day, when they are both very old, watson comes back from the village to see holmes asleep in his chair. he knows right away. he genuinely believed he would be the first to go. he sobs and sobs and sobs. he writes letters by candlelight. then he writes more. he writes until he has nothing left to say. then he goes out and sits by the bees, who are all silent. he passes away under the moon.

[novawrights]

When Home Finds You

Plot- Reader remembers a darker time in her life before coming to Lady Dimitrescu's castle, Lady Dimitrescu shows her the home she's been searching for.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR PAST SELF HARM/DEPRESSION.

I sat in the library looking at the calendar on the wall. You would think a timeless vampire wouldn't need one but from what her daughters said, it was a recent thing when you had arrived a few months ago because they hadn't seen one before. So you took advantage of keeping track of each important date. Birthdays, special things they celebrated or treasured, even your birthday, all written in with flowing cursive writing. But one specific day was just a dot. They all shrugged when they saw it thinking it meant nothing but to you, it meant everything. My thumb subconsciously stroked my upper left thigh where thin scars crisscrossed across the fair skin. Most of my life I have felt alone, an apartment in the States that only held the essentials like clothes; basically a place to eat and sleep while I went to my job as a waitress and came home with no one to tell my day to, gossip with or have girls or friends nights. Early on I drifted apart from friends and the moment my so called accepting  family figured out I was were more into women they swiftly and cruelly disowned me. That's when I became best friends with a silver razor blade. Four years of cutting any piece of skin that could be hidden, becoming an expert in covering and tending to wounds, but three years ago, I forced myself to stop. I was then pulled from my thoughts when the big, oak doors opened and revealed Lady Dimitrescu. Or as I somehow got away with calling her, Alcina. Neither of you knew how it started or why she let's it be when the first moment a maid says it, her golden eyes flash with the fury of lightening in a thunderstorm.

"What are you doing in here all by your lonesome?" She asked, voice laced with concern that her eyes mirrored. I shrugged not taking my eyes off the calendar with today's date being the anniversary when you stopped cutting.

"Thinking about how I got here." I murmured. It wasn't a lie. Had I been left to my thoughts any longer I would have eventually made it to the day I showed up on her doorstep soaking wet and damn near hypothermic. She hummed as she sat in the chair next to me and placed a tray with two tea cups on it. Probably the one drink I had ever seen her drink without any blood in it.

"A strange day indeed. My daughter's usually devour any intruders immediately but for some reason they were definitely part of the argument to keep you alive." Her voice smooth with agreement with a hint of a smile and I chuckled in response.

"Oh yeah?" I teased as I looked over in her direction. While she was this tall, incredible and powerful woman, the soft spot she only had for her daughters, now extended to me. She met my gaze, golden irises meeting my steel gray with the softness only so few saw.

"I'm not one to believe in fate. I've lived far too long to really give it credit should anything good, or bad, come my way. But you took that belief and stomped all over it." She sighed as she turned her gaze into the fire I had long forgotten I lit. "Now I know I promised to give you privacy with your thoughts, but something is bothering you enough I can feel the storm cloud from my chambers across the castle." I sighed knowing she wasn't going to let this go. It was weird she had offered me who ended up agreeing to be a maid, privacy. Especially so soon.

"Several years ago things kind of fell apart. Family disowned me and friends drifted apart so I was literally coming home to an empty apartment every day after work." I started as I took the teacup from her hand and took a sip, letting the apple cinnamon flavor warm me. I could feel her eyes fall on me as she mirrored my action with her own tea. "When you get lonely, you don't always have the best coping mechanisms. Mine, was self destructive. Easy to conceal and no one would know since I never wore shorts or went out to the beach or wore dresses when I went to a club." I snorted before taking another sip. "Extremely glad I hadn't known you or the girls then." I added as a whisper as I turned my gaze to her. Her eyes darted across my face as if she was trying find the answer without me saying it. It was only until her eyes widened a moment later that I knew she figured it out. "You would have eaten me alive." She coughed. Not the best time to throw a suggestive joke like that but the line we danced across between attraction and a degree of softness reserved for lovers, was always front and center of my mind.

"We would have." She agreed softly. I looked at the calendar and gestured with my chin.

"That dot next to today's date, is the day I forced myself not to cut myself anymore. The day I threw out my razor blades."

"How long?"

"Three years self harm free." She didn't say anything and I heard the rustle of her white dress as she moved. I felt a twinge of fear squeeze my heart. Would she kick me out? Mock me? Strip me of my clothes and humiliate me that I wasn't strong enough? But to my surprise, a black glove and white sleeve entered my peripheral vision. I looked up and blinked away the tears that I hadn't realize were popping up.

"Come, my dear." She whispered. I wiped my eyes and took her hand as she led me from the library. It didn't take me long to realize she was leading me to her chambers.

"Al..." I murmured. She sent me a small smile as she opened the doors to her room, before leading me to the room where her bath was held. It always reminded me of a in ground pool for how big it was but also since it was indeed, in the ground surrounded by black tile.

"Get in." She gestured. I looked and saw it was already filled, the room smelled of lavender and the water still warm by the steam rising from it. I was thankful she turned away so I could have some modesty left since this was a boundary we hadn't come close to breaching. I stepped into the water and nearly moaned at the warm feel of it on my skin. When I got completely in I sat on the little ledge as she walked towards it.

"Tonight is about you. Because not only am I glad you had some impulse to travel, and travel here of all places and your car to break down in the middle of a storm, I'm also glad you've gotten over whatever life has thrown you. Even if there were a couple roadblocks in the way." I nearly teared up as she knelt on the tile and grabbed a purple bottle. She tapped my head as a non verbal cue to wet my hair, which I complied with, before resurfacing where my head my her hands with shampoo already lathered and ready to be coaxed into my brown hair. My eyes fluttered shut and a moan escaped me as I let myself relax and surrender to her fingers. Even when I felt like it was enough, she kept going.

"Times like this I wish I had my music. Even if you guy don't have electronics, most of my bands do vinyls still so a turntable would work." I sighed.

"I'll see what I can do, my sweet." The pet names were becoming more frequent these days, not that I was complaining. Another tap a few moments later for me to rinse out my hair of the sweet smelling shampoo and I couldn't help but enjoy the domestic intimacy between us. After rinsing my hair and feeling more relaxed than I had that day, I felt like my head was a little clearer and the storm cloud had gone away. She reached around and stroked my cheek.

"Dry off and meet me in my room." She whispered. I blinked as she practically glided out of the room before standing. I took one of the big fluffy towels she used and towel dried my hair as much as I could, and dried my body off. I noticed a pair of my old running shorts and a tank top waiting for me to change into. I ignored the blush creeping up my neck seeing a pair of underwear laying with it.

After changing I walked out of the room to see her in front of her fireplace with a silver goblet with her blood laced wine with another with plain red wine that I liked. I took a seat on the sinfully comfortable, crimson red couch next to her.

"I've felt this draw to you since you arrived. It's why the tasks I gave you kept you closer to me and report to me instead of anyone else. It's why I've done so much more for you as a maid compared to everyone else that has walked through these halls." She started. "If my instincts are correct, you feel the same or follow the same trail of thouught." Lady Alcina, the one who seems impossible to fluster or look unsure, cast this vulnerable air around her; and it surprised me. I swallowed knowing there was no way out of this conversation.

"I-I-I do." I stammered. I looked up at her and met teary eyes filled with love, adoration, compassion and genuine happiness.

"Fate does seem to come into play sometimes." She murmured before she leaned in where her wine red lips met mine. I'm not one to use cheesy movie clichés, but this kiss felt like I was home and complete in a way I thought was just a cruel joke for me. I felt her hand softly touch my thigh where the spandex had ridden up and a few scars where revealed. Pale lines that were almost invisible gleamed in the fire light. When she pulled away from the gentle kiss, her eyes flickered toward them, almost as if she knew my panicked trail of thought was going.

"You are so beautiful, my love. No scar, bruise, wound or anything will ever make me think otherwise." She assured me as her thumb caressed them much like mine had done just a while ago.

"But most of all," she continued, "You're home.

With me and my daughters. " I hadn't realized how much her words would mean to me until I felt tears falling in rapid succession that she brushed them away before pulling me towards her chest. There was one thing I had been hoping to find and I found it in the arms of Lady Alcina.

[i-stan-nct-and-satan]

Not Broken (Jaehyun Mafia au pt 16)

Not Broken Masterlist 

Jaehyun X Reader

Y/N is a burlesque dancer living in Seoul. Jaehyun is one of the most powerful mafia men in Seoul. How will Y/N survive when Jaehyun suspects that she is involved with a rival gang?

Reasons to read this story: Ten’s a cross-dressing madam so….. yeah read it ya freaks.

Trigger Warning: mentions of past abuse

Beep! Beep! Beep!

My head instinctively turned to stare at the alarm. I watched as it continued to beep. Usually, the harsh tones of the alarm were enough launch me out of bed. Every morning I somehow managed to reach the ungodly contraption to silence it before it even began to muster out its third beep.  

Not today though.  

I had been lying awake long before my alarm started to sing its first note. I had just been staring at the ceiling, anticipating the events that were to come. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get at least a bit of sleep. I probably managed to get in a few hours before waking up to see that the neon green numbers I had gotten used to seeing read, 2:46 a.m.  

My mind was too anxious to fall back asleep, but my body was too stubborn to leave the comfort of the satin sheets which were messily draped over my body.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what awaited me and I felt as though leaving my bed would be what put said events into motion. Thus, when my alarm began ringing, signaling to me that it was time to get up, instead of rushing to towards it, I merely stared at it. I continued staring until the digital clock changed from 4:00 to 4:01 and then to 4:02 and finally to 4:03 before I decided it would be best to put an end to the incessant beeping before it caused a disturbance to those who still might be sleeping.  

I dragged my body towards the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked dead, not like I cared. In a way, I felt as though I might actually be dead; that perhaps I died long ago and that every event since my death was the result of divine punishment. Punishment for what, I didn’t know.  

I chuckled at the overly dramatic thought.

I splashed cold water onto my face in an attempt to return my rationalities, though it was no use. There was nothing rational about my situation, so how could I think rationally while in it?

I instinctively began brushing my hair, before stopping midway to curse myself. It was like I could see into the future. That narcissistic scumbag, Jaehyun, would interpret any step I took to freshen up as an attempt to impress him, something I definitely didn’t want him thinking.  

When I trained with Jeno, it would take me roughly an hour to fully wake myself up, get dressed, and freshen up before heading down to the training room around 4:50. I could tell that today, I wouldn’t need as much time to ready myself.  

I quickly tied my hair up in a ponytail, simply to keep it out of my face. When I opened my closet, Jaehyun’s words found themselves at the front of my mind.

“You should wear something blue. The color suits you.”

I scoffed to myself as I grabbed the first blue piece of clothing I saw and threw it to the side, missing the trashcan by more than a few feet. I instead picked out a yellow workout shirt and grabbed my regular leggings from the floor. I only had a few pair of leggings so I would often re-wear the same pair, not wanting to wash them after every use. I brought the leggings up to my nose and smelled the already worn-out fabric. They were definitely reaching the point where they needed a wash. I put them on anyway. A part of me hoped that the smell of old sweat would keep Jaehyun from making any advances, or at least turn him off from the thought.  

It reminded me of how women would skip shaving their legs before a date to prevent themselves from going home with a guy, though in my case, it was like putting my legs on display to keep the guy from thinking I’d want to go home with her in the first place.  

I looked at the clock.  

4:34.

I definitely finished getting ready much earlier than usual, but I didn’t want to make any steps towards the door just yet. I even considered waiting until it was after 5:00 to leave my room, just to spite Jaehyun for telling me that being late wasn’t an option. This thought lost traction as soon as I remembered the things Jaehyun was capable of when even just the tiniest bit annoyed.  

Better not to anger him.

<><><><><><>

“Right on time, babe,” Jaehyun welcomed me in the most unwelcoming way possible.

He was already on sitting on one of the weight machines. From the beads of sweat that dripped down his jaw on onto his white t-shirt, I could tell that he had already gotten in quite the workout. I wondered how long he had been there for.  

I didn’t want to ignore him, but I didn’t want to exactly engage with him in conversation either, so I gave him my best “fuck you” smile and proceeded to set my water bottle down on the mat.

“What?  No greeting? Not even any pleasantries?” Jaehyun asked as he stood up from the machine. He stared back at me using one of the gym’s towels to wipe his red tinted face.  

I silently scoffed, smiling at his audacity.  

“Oh, I’m sorry. Hello Jaehyun! How are you? Still holding women captive and forcing them to be your bride? Oh, you are? Well, isn’t that just swell?”  

I expected Jaehyun to snap at me for such insolence, or to at least look a little upset, but he just smiled back at me and laughed.  

“That’s funny,” He said wagging his finger at me.  

“Just remember, who’s training you for the next hour.”

I froze, unconsciously biting my tongue. He was right. I shouldn’t push my luck too much. I had no idea why Jaehyun was in such a good mood this morning, but I knew it was in my best interest for it to stay that way. At least until after our little competition.  

Like a beaten dog who’s finely entuned to their master’s change in mood, I noticed a sudden glint of disappointment in his eyes. I watched them trail over my body in search of something he just couldn’t find.  

Once he noticed my noticing, he exhaled abruptly as if he were expelling his thoughts along with his breath.  

“Let’s start by going over yesterday’s match.“

I stared at him silently, waiting for him to elaborate further.  

Jaehyun looked away briefly, clearing his throat in order to break the silence.  

“I am of course, referring to the tactic you used...”

I continued to stare at him not quite sure where he was going. He stared back, gauging my reactions.  

“-or am I just assuming that your decision to storm me was a strategical one?”  

“Does it matter? It didn’t work,” I responded.  

Jaehyun relaxed a little.  

“Ah. So, it was thought out.”

I silently sighed to myself, ready for him to explain why my strategy was flawed or how my impulsiveness is what led to my defeat. I already began piecing together my response. I’d probably ask him how else I was supposed to fight against someone much stronger than myself, or if there even was such a tactic. I could feel the words bubble in my throat waiting for the criticisms, he was about to list.

“You surprised me. That’s not something that happens very often. You should be proud.”

“Wait, what?” I blurted out, suddenly breaking my façade of nonchalance.  

Jaehyun’s eyes widened a bit only for them to crinkle as he laughed.  

“What? Were you expecting me to say something else?”

I reached my hand up to rub the back of my neck. Once Jaehyun understood that I wasn’t going to give any more of a reply, he flashed me a smile that seemed too genuine to have come from a man so... well, ingenuine.  

“I’m being serious. I was really quite impressed. You were fighting against someone you had no chance of winning against, at least not with physical prowess, so you came up with a strategy and not just any strategy, a good one. You understood that I had certain expectations of you and you somehow managed to subvert those expectations in your favor. I had expected you to be hesitant in your actions and assumed that you would wait for me to make the first move. Yet, as soon as the whistle blew you came at me full force. I mean-” Jaehyun stopped abruptly to stare at me.

I was smiling.  

I hadn’t meant to. I just wasn’t thinking about it. I mean, could you blame me? Maybe it was just my ego. What can I say? I’m the type of person who likes being praised. Sue me.  

As soon as I realized why the sudden pause, I forced my face back into one of disinterest. I silently prayed that he would let it slide just this once.  

He didn’t.

“Don’t get big-headed on me now. Just because a cat learns it has stripes, it doesn’t suddenly make it a tiger. You still have a long way to go before you’re ready to use your claws,” He said with a smirk.

I couldn’t tell who I was more embarrassed for; me, for having come across as a girl who just got called pretty by her crush, or him, for having used such a cheesy metaphor, one he was somehow proud of.  

“Now let’s go over some technique. Yesterday, when you charged me, I used a simple maneuver to use your own force against you. Come over here, I’ll show you,” He explained, walking towards the center of the mat.

I hesitated but opted to follow suit as he had instructed. I stopped when I was roughly 4 feet in front of him.  

He took a few steps closer, causing me to back away.  

He paused.  

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to slam you down this time. I’m just going to show you what I did so that you can learn how to avoid it next time, or perhaps even do the same to me.”

I didn’t back away because I thought that he would slam me down on the mat. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. I just didn’t really feel comfortable with being handled by him, even if it was for instructional purposes.  

He stood there, waiting for me to come closer. When I didn’t, he took another step towards me instead.  

Again, I took a step back.  

Jaehyun let out a sigh.  

“How am I supposed to teach you if you won’t even let me touch you?” He asked, obviously annoyed.

“Can’t you just explain it to me verbally?”

“Of course, not. Even if I were to show you the move by doing it on someone else, that doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to recreate it when push comes to shove. Muscle memory is important. You should know that as a dancer.”

I quirked my head to the side.

“You can learn to dance from watching others dance.” I retorted.  

Jaehyun stared at me as if he were a teacher waiting for a disruptive student to stop acting out.

I looked down at the floor.  

“That may be true when preforming a solo act,” He began.  

“But what about when you’re learning a choreography that includes more than one person?”

“Then we practice the choreo on our own. Even when we practice together, it’s not like we really need each other,” I asserted.  

Jaehyun groaned.  

“I’m talking about dances that directly rely on being in sync with the other person’s moves. Like this.”  

Before I could dodge his advance, Jaehyun wrapped his arm around me, capturing my waist and pulling my body into his so that our chests were practically pressed together. I tried to wriggle my way out of his grip but before I could, he used his other hand to grab mine, tightly squeezing it as if warning me that he was not in the mood to play games.  

“Can you waltz?” He asked.

“Never tried it.” I answered.

Without any other warning, Jaehyun began moving his feet dragging me along with him.  

As he moved in precise uniform movements, I stumbled around awkwardly, somehow managing to step onto his feet with every other step. Instead of scolding me, Jaehyun continued to waltz, ignoring my steps as though I were merely a ragdoll he was throwing around as he danced to a song only he could hear.

“The Waltz is a uniform dance with very little room for variance. One could learn the steps and even master them on their own only to flounder around like a fish when matched with a partner.”  

“Yeah, but you can’t exactly learn the steps from practice alone. You need some sort of instruction,” I complained.  

Jaehyun’s steps came to a sudden halt. Instead of releasing me like I had expected him to, he let my body fall, catching it in what I recognized as a “dip.”

“I completely agree, so why don’t we do a little of both? I’ll lead.”  

He released his grip on me and I fell flat onto the mat.  

I sat up, seething with annoyance. Jaehyun stared at me, arms crossed and with a grin so wicked, it’d make the devil anxious, though I’d be surprised if a devil greater than Jaehyun truly existed.

<><><><><><>

Jaehyun showed me exactly how he managed to pin me down so fast. When I came running towards him, he applied a heavy pressure to the top of my chest, thus using my own force against me. He explained that by stalling my upper half, I actually did half of the work for him in knocking me down. Because I had charged so fast, my legs barely had any time to catch up as my upper half was held in place, so they continued to run, flipping me onto my back.  

Once I understood where exactly I went wrong, Jaehyun spent the first half of our session showing me different ways to keep myself guarded against an attack so that I could, in his words, “not be used as a weapon against myself.” The second half of the session was spent showing me examples of ways I could use someone’s force against themselves as he did had done to me. This part was my favorite because Jaehyun let himself fall to the mat every time I followed his instruction in order to show me exactly how the move would work. Even though I knew he was letting me take him down for practice’s sake, I still enjoyed hearing the loud smack it made when his body came in contact with the mat.  

When we finished, he tossed me my water bottle. I quickly down the remainder of its contents.  

“Here, toss it back,” Jaehyun called out, his hand outstretched.  

I did as he instructed.  

He began walking away motioning for me to follow.  

Once we made it to the water fountain, Jaehyun opened my bottle and filled it, tossing it back to me before taking his turn to drink directly from the fountain.  

I stood there watching him, unsure of what else I could do.  

Once he finished, he turned to me.  

“How’s your rib feeling?”  

“My rib?”  

I looked down at my torso having remembered where Taeyong had touched it. The pain, which was sharp and sudden at the time, had now turned into a dull constant.  

“It’s alright, I guess. Better at least.” I informed him.

Jaehyun looked at me, navigating whether or not I was lying.

“Good, that’s good. I was worried that after yesterday I might have made it worse.”  

It was strange. I knew that he was the one who broke it in the first place, but that didn’t keep me from seeing his sincerity.  

“I’ll try my best to avoid damaging it any further during our match. I’m sorry that’s all I can do for you given the circumstances of our bet.”

I knew that his statement was bullshit. I mean, he knew about my rib when he decided upon the terms of our bet. I knew that fighting him on the matter would be pointless though.  

“Will it go back to the way it was before it was broken?” I asked.  

Jaehyun seemed caught off guard by the sudden question.  

He took a second to think.  

“Are you trying to ask if it will heal properly, or if it’ll go back to the way it was before it was broken?”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” I asked.

Jaehyun gave me a look that seemed to question if I really didn’t know already.

I quirked my head to the side showing him that, no, I really didn’t know.

“When a bone breaks, it's because the bone’s developed a fracture.”

“Okay?” I scoffed, asking if he was really trying to explain what a broken bone was to me.  

“Just, listen,” He continued.

“During the healing process, a callous of extra strong bone forms around the fracture, bonding it together again. This new extra strong bone is meant to protect the fracture as the bone heals but once the bone is fully healed, the area of the fracture is stronger than it was before the break ever occurred so-”

“So, bones heal stronger?” I interrupted.

Jaehyun smiled gently towards me and took a step closer.  

“Y/N, I can’t tell you that your rib will go back to the way it was before, because that wouldn’t be the truth. What I can tell you though, is that maybe that’s not such a bad thing.”

Jaehyun reached a hand out towards me. Before I could think about it, I jerked away from his touch.  

Jaehyun hesitated before reeling his hand back. He looked away from me for a second before returning his gaze to mine.

“We should probably start today’s match so that you have enough time to get ready.“

<><><><><><>

Just like the day before, Taeyong blew the whistle and shortly after, I was pinned to the ground. This time I didn’t charge at him, instead I chose to go on the defense. It didn’t take long for Jaehyun to make his move, pinning me instantly. Luckily for me, I didn’t suffer any pain, just frustration. It was like Jaehyun had just picked me up and set me down, easily managing to hold me there until Taeyong called the match.  

I wasn’t surprised, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still disappointed. The Jaehyun’s newly discovered tenderness from before the match had disappeared, immediately replaced with his usual dirtbag self. Not more than a second after the match had ended, he instructed Taeyong to escort me back to my room to catch me up on today’s plans. Before he left the room, he turned back towards me as I just gotten back on my feet and said, “Don’t be late now, Honey.”

I scoffed at him. He laughed at my reaction which made me want to do a lot more than just scoff at him. I was caught off guard by his sudden usage of the pet name I had called him at dinner the night before. It became clear to me that that’s why he used it instead of opting for “Kitten,” like I had come to expect from him. When spoken by him, the word felt less like a term of endearment and more like a taunt, though a taunt was still better than a threat.  

“At least he’s in a good mood,” I thought to myself.  

Taeyong brought me back to my room, instructing me to shower and put on the dress he left for me on the bed. Once I did as I was asked, I opened the door to let Taeyong back in only to see that both Haechan and Jaemin had been waiting there with him.  

“Jaemin? What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Wow, Y/n. You aren’t gonna ask why I’m here?” Haechan pouted over-dramatically.

“I already know why you’re here, Dongfuck. You don’t have a life and so you like to drop in on mine,” I quipped lightheartedly, suddenly realizing that I had to come up with a new nickname for Haechan now that I’d discovered that his name was, well... Haechan.

Fuck, what insult even rhymes with Haechan? Faketan? No that’s stupid and probably problematic. Besides, Haechan’s darker skin tone is literal perfection. Even I have to admit that.

I physically shook my head before going on.  

“I’m asking why Jaemin’s here because he normally takes care of Jisung and Chenle around this time of day.”

I turned to Jaemin who simply laughed as Haechan stuck his tongue out at me. 

“Wow, you really were close friends before this, weren’t you?” He commented.

“What do you mean were? Haechan demanded wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“Y/n and I are still as close as a pair of conjoined twins.”

“Please, never use that metaphor ever again.” I sighed already exhausted from the encounter.  

“Anyways, today you’re going to be officially meeting Chenle and Jisung as their soon to be sister-in law. Jaemin is here to make sure that it goes well,” Haechan explained, answering for Jaemin before the poor man even had the chance to open his mouth.  

“Wait, what?”

Instead of explaining further, Haechan guided me towards the vanity, sitting me down in the chair, and immediately going to work on my hair.  

Taeyong and Jaemin both sat on the bed and got to explaining the situation.  

“So, as you already know, Jaehyun has two younger brothers, Chenle and Jisung. I believe that you’ve already met them before, but as a hostage, not as their sister-in-law.  

My mind flashed back to meeting the two younger boys back when I still had horrible bruising all over my face. I recalled the image of a queasy Chenle, asking if his brother really was the one who did that to me.

“I can’t tell them the same story, I told Jessi. They already know that Jaehyun was the one who nearly beat me within an inch of my life!”  

Taeyong and Jaemin looked at each other, obviously aware of something I was not. Haechan on the other hand, continued to act like a dumbass.  

“Ooh! Already on a first name basis with the former lady of the house, are we? So, I take it you’ve successfully gained Jessi’s approval, not that I’m surprised. Personality wise, it’d easier to believe she was your mother than Jaehyun’s. I mean-”  

“We’ve already taken that into consideration,” Taeyong began, cutting Haechan off right in the middle of his rant.

“Fine, I guess I’ll just leave since I’m just gonna be a nuisance,” Haechan pouted.  

When no one acknowledged him, he scoffed in annoyance, but stayed quiet.  

“You see, the boys actually know a lot more than just that,” He continued, glancing at a now sheepish Jaemin.  

“The boys have a habit of eavesdropping and while they were supposed to be in my care... I accidentally fell asleep and they listened in on one of the group’s official meetings.” Jaemin admitted.  

“At the time, you were still under suspicion for IU’s death.” Taeyong explained.  

A look of horror took over my face, causing one to come over Taeyong as well.

“D-don’t worry! Everything has been cleared up. They know that you are not responsible for the death of their sister. They have also been informed that you are responsible for the death of Lucas. They know that you killed him on accident in an attempt to fight for your life, though out of respect for you I didn’t going to any other details of what you went through that night.” He said in an attempt to reassure me.

“Wait, but if they know the truth then what about-”

“Mrs. Ho? She is to remain in the dark about the true nature behind Jaehyun’s and your relationship. They understand the gravity of the situation and have been instructed to speak as little as possible about anything that might rouse suspicion. Jaehyun and I have also decided that it would be best to pretend as though you’ve become something of an older sister to the two of them, but that this is the first they are hearing about your engagement. That’s why Jaemin is here, to help you learn as much as you can about the boys to make this ruse as believable as possible.”

“What the fuck?” I exclaimed, dumbfounded as to how on earth Jaehyun and Taeyong could have decided that this was the best route to take. Having me pretend to know about and be extremely close to a pair of teenagers that I met once and talked with for all of like, what? Five minutes?    

“I know it sounds daunting, but Chenle’s been feeling a bit under the weather lately and Mrs. Ho is aware of that, which gives us an out if anything goes wrong. We even have a signal in case Chenle should need to bring up his condition as an excuse to cut the meeting short.”

“Still though,” I hesitated, not fully convinced.  

“Listen,” Jaemin interjected.  

“You don’t have to act like a big happy family, giving them hugs and stuff. If anything, that would make Mrs. Ho really suspicious. Just act like how you would any other teenager. Act snarky, roast them, I don’t know. There are more ways to show closeness than acting like you're in a lifetime Christmas special. Besides, it makes sense for you to not know everything about them since Mrs. Ho still believes that you and Jaehyun met only a few months ago. We just have to get you knowledgeable enough for Mrs. Ho to-”

“Knock! Knock!” Someone called from outside the door.  

“Why say ‘knock?’ Why not just do it if you’re gonna say what you’re doing?” Haechan groaned, almost unreasonably annoyed by the knock knock-er’s chipper demeanor.  

Taeyong scowled at Haechan before walking toward the door.  

“Who is that?” I asked.  

“That should be Momo with the boys,” Jaemin answered.  

“Wait, what? Why are they here? I’m not ready.”

“It’ll be fine. Think of this as a practice round. You’ll do great!” Jaemin gave me two thumbs up as Taeyong opened the door.  

I definitely was not ready and by the looks of it, neither were they.  

Momo and Taeyong stood by the door as Jaemin motioned for Jisung and Chenle to come over.  

It hadn’t been more than a couple days since I had last seen the two of them yet I wouldn’t have recognized the yellow haired boy had I not been expecting to see him. While Jisung looked almost exactly the same as the day we met, Chenle looked as though he were the one who had been locked up in the estate’s basement, not me. The dark spots that lay wrapped below his eyes took up more space on the young boy’s face than the eyes themselves. The state of his cheeks made it obvious that what he lacked in sleep, he definitely wasn’t making up for in calories. The chubby cheeks I had remembered were long gone, now sunken in to the extent one might mistake the boy for a character in a Tim Burton movie. He looked less like a teenaged boy and more like an old man, hair loss and all.  

To describe him as a bit under the weather as Taeyong had only moments prior would be like saying that Hitler was kind of a douche; not necessarily untrue, but definitely not the most accurate way of portraying the severity of things. Chenle looked sickly, though I couldn’t think of any sickness with symptoms so... apparent.  

Neither him nor Jisung looked particularly excited to see me, which is of course understandable since to them, I’m practically that one distant relative who your parents made you hug as a kid despite your apparent discomfort. Though, while Jisung just looked awkward and unsure of where he should focus his eyes, Chenle looked at me as though I were the cause of his illness.  

It looked as though simply being near me was physically painful for him. I kept his gaze, trying to uncover the cause of his extreme discomfort towards me. It was strange. There was no hatred in his eyes, something I should have been relieved by given that we were going to have to act all buddy-buddy with each other, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he was looking at me like a child who’s about to be told on to his parents.  

“I thought we could start with you guys telling Y/n your interests. Does that sound good?” said Jaemin.

The two took turns telling me about which video games were their favorites and about what sports they played at school. It was awkward at first, especially since it felt like the first day of school and our teacher decided to make everyone takes turns introducing themselves and saying three things about themselves, something which teachers don’t understand is actually torture in its purest form.

Though I was lost as fuck when Jisung tried to explain this game called Amoungus to me, Jaemin interjected to ask the two of them what their favorite show was. That was when things started to look a bit brighter.  

“Well, right now, me and Chenle are watching this show called HunterXHunter.”

“HunterXHunter?” I asked, suddenly more serious than was necessary.  

“Uh, yeah. Have you heard of it?” Jisung asked, confused.  

“Which one? The 1999 one or the 2011 one?”  

Both of the two boys lit up a bit.  

“Wait, there’s a 1999 version?” Chenle asked, this being the first time he spoke without being needing to be nudged first by his brother.

“Uh, yeah. And get this, it’s better. Don’t get me wrong, the newer one is great. I love the art style, but the 1999 verion includes more from the manga that the 2011 version completely leaves out.”

“You read manga?” Chenle asked, excitedly, and for a split second, he resembled the boy I met before, still strung out, but not as much so.  

“No, I just read an article comparing the manga to the show- Of course I fucking read manga,” I replied, probably laying the sarcasm on a little too thick.  

I paused as the two boys looked at each other and nodded.  

“Do you like shoujo or shonen better?” Jisung asked, though it sounded more like a demand.  

“I won’t lie, I like shoujo a lot. Don’t roast me though I like both. It depends on my mood. Sometimes I wanna read a high-stakes power fantasy battle palooza with fucking lasers, and other times, I just wanna read about a high-schooler asking out his crush.”

“I get that,” Jisung nodded.

“Yeah, that’s because you get all your dating advice from playing dating sims,” Chenle snorted.

Jisung glared at Chenle and raised his hand, but quickly lowered it as though reconsidering hitting him when the older is in such a weak state.  

The four of us started laughing only to be interrupted by a concerned voice.  

“Mrs. Ho, what are you doing here?” Taeyong stuttered.

Momo quickly bowed to her, prompting Jaemin to stand up and do the same.

“Is it strange for me to be walking around my own house?” Jessi asked eyeballing Taeyong.

“No, of course not ma’am. It’s just that I was expecting for us all to meet at the dining room table later today like what was planned.”  

“I too thought that that was to be the case, but when I heard my son’s laughter from Y/n’s room, I figured I’d stop by.”

Jessi walked further into the room. Everyone did their best to hide any signs of the shock, nervousness, or stress they were feeling, though nobody did a good job.  

I let out a soft laugh. To think that I was going to have to rely on them, they’re the ones who’ll be depending on me to make this go smoothly.  

“Jessi! What’s up?”

Jessi wipes the back of her hand over her forehead as if wiping off an imaginary bead of sweat.  

“Whew. Thank god. I thought you were gonna be all formal with me again just because there were others around.” She laughed, taking a seat on the vanity table  

“You know, this might actually be better having a formal meeting anyway,” Jessi said, switching to Korean for the rest of the room’s inhabitants.  

“Oh, uh... sure. Why not?” Taeyong replied.

Jessi stared at him silently, making Taeyong even more nervous.  

“Well?” She asked.

Taeyong hesitated, unsure of what to do.  

“Yes?”

“Go get him.”

“Pardon?”

“Jaehyun. Go get Jaehyun. He should be here for this shouldn’t he?”  

“Ah. Yes. Of course. Right away.”  

Taeyong gave me a look as if to ask if I’d be okay while he was away. I gave him a little nod and made a “shoo” motion in response.  

Both him and Momo disappeared, her bowing once again before making her exit.

Luckily, the moments that were filled with Taeyong’s absence had been taken up by the exchange of simple pleasantries. I asked Jessi how she slept, she told me she slept well. She asked me the same, I replied the same. Then she turned to Jaemin to ask whether Chenle had taken his medicine yet, to which he responded with a simple, yes.  

Taeyong returned as quickly as he came which was surprising given how Jaehyun must have been busy with other matters given the meeting’s spontaneity of the meeting.  

He entered the room following Taeyong and stopping to rest his hands on my shoulders as he stood behind my sitting place. I had expected him to do something physical since his mother was here, so I was able to mentally prepare myself and refrain from flinching away from his touch.

The meeting was short, with Jaehyun announcing that he and I were getting married. Jisung and Chenle reacted with surprise and then faux excitement. I hadn’t needed to do much except for sit there, which was a relief. Jaemin and the kids were the first to leave, with Jaemin announcing that it was time for them to work on their homework. Taeyong escorted Jessi back to her room leaving Jaehyun and I to be the only ones left.  

“Good job.” Jaehyun said, now having sat directly in front of me on the bed.  

I nodded trying my best to hide my anxiety.  

“Tomorrow I’ve arranged to have several dresses sent to the estate for you to try on. You may pick whichever one you like. My mother will be there to aid you.”

“Dresses?”  

Jaehyun laughed at my reaction.  

Jaehyun set his hands onto the bed and leaned back slightly.  

“I do believe that it is tradition for the bride to wear a dress on her wedding day,” He mused.  

“Oh.” I muttered.

Jaehyun stared back at me with a relaxed smile.  

I took the time to get a good look at Jaehyun, something I hadn’t thought to do during the meeting. He wore a simple white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his forearms. I remembered walking in to find him sitting on the weight machine only a few hours earlier. It made sense that he worked out given his build. Body types like that don’t just happen naturally. Even his hands were muscular.  

I felt conflicted. If I had seen this man on the street a month ago, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to imagine those arms wrapped around me, or maybe even his hands digging into my hips, but after what I had experienced, all I could think about was the feeling of losing consciousness as their grip tightened around my throat.  

I did my best to be subtle as I looked down at his thighs. I wasn’t surprised to see that the light grey slacks did little to hide that they, like his arms, were... large.  

We sat in silence just staring at each other until Jaehyun stood up from the bed, now at least 3 heads taller than my sitting form.  

He leaned forward resting his hands on the armrests of my chair. Trapping me.  

I froze.  

“It’ll probably take the entire afternoon to finish all the work I have left, so I likely won’t be joining you all for dinner.”

And with that, he left.  

<><><><><>

Jaehyun was right. He wasn’t be able to attend dinner. I wasn’t surprised by his absence; It was everyone else’s absence I was surprised by. Not a single member of 127 nor Jaemin or Jeno attended dinner that night, leaving Jessi, Jisung, Chenle, and I to awkwardly sit around theorizing about what business they had that kept them away.  

<><><><><>

Jaehyun could feel his blood boil as Taeyong and Jeno made him aware the sudden turn of events.

“And you’re sure the messenger was unaware of the message’s contents?” He asked the two men.  

“We’re sure,” Taeyong answered.

“Since we don’t usually receive deliveries directly to the house without being made aware of them in advance, I took every precaution in questioning the man myself,” added Jeno.  

“His story checked out. We quickly confirmed that he was a registered courier at a local delivery service within the district. I opened the letter in front of him and once I realized its contents, I demanded all information regarding the letter’s origin. After informing Taeyong, we sent over several men over to inspect their security footage, but it seems that the letter was actually delivered to them via a different delivery service. We have men over there as well checking their footage and all, but it seems as though they managed to send the letter through a system I’ve never seen before. The letter was put into several other envelopes, each one containing instructions and payment for the next delivery. Since each company only opened the outer envelope, we were unable to see any past instruction that may had been included before the letter reached each individual company.”

“How long will it take to trace the source of the letter?” Jaehyun inquired.

“We don’t know. It depends on how many companies they went through. We won’t be able to locate the original sender, especially if their trail is long gone by the time we reveal any trace of their identity. We might not even be able to discern how long the letter has been in transport for quite some time. Our best guess is that it’s only been in transport for 1 to 2 days.” Taeyong sighed, showing his frustration at the situation.  

Jaehyun dragged his hands down his face, his good mood now a distant memory.  

“Two days, huh?” He pondered, staring down at the piece of paper he held in his hands.  

If you fail to hand Y/N over to us, then prepare for a red wedding.  

“Call everyone up here, now.“

Jaehyun watched silently as his office began to slowly fill with the members of 127.

Taeyong and Jeno made sure to inform them all of the gravity of the meeting thus ensuring that none of the members were to speak until Jaehyun officially started the meeting.  

“Where is he?” Jaehyun demanded.

Everyone began exchanging glances, not yet sure of who exactly it was that Jaehyun was referring to.    

“We’re here,” Taeyong announced as both he and Winwin entered the room.  

“And where exactly were you?” Jaehyun asked, making it obvious that his question was directed more at Winwin than the both of them.

“He was in the library, reading,” Taeyong answered for him.  

“If he was that close, then why was he the last to be found?”  

Winwin approached Jaehyun. He reached his hand into his pants pocket, retrieving a pair of earbuds before placing them on the oak desk.  

“I had them in, so I couldn’t hear my name when it was being called,” Winwin smirked, staring straight into the eyes of the man sitting in front of him.  

Jaehyun scowled.  

“You know, Winwin. Ever since I relieved Johnny of his duty to keep an eye on you, I often spent my time wondering where you were and what you could be off doing.”

“Well, isn’t that sweet?” Winwin commented, his tone filled with mockery.  

Instead of getting angry, Jaehyun smiled, catching everyone, including Winwin off guard.  

“As it turns out, my musing was pointless,” Jaehyun explained, as he placed the letter on the desk, directly on top of Winwin’s earbuds.  

Winwin read the letter without needing to touch it or lean closer to it.  

He frowned but said nothing.  

Jaehyun continued.  

“I don’t have to ask myself where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing because I already know.”

Winwin already knew what was coming.  

“You’ve been telling Wayv our secrets.”

The meeting went as one would expect. Jaehyun showed the letter to the remaining members, had Taeyong and Jeno go over what they had gone over earlier with him, and then Jaehyun posed the very important question, “How come only days after Johnny stopped watching over you, we receive a letter from Wayv confirming that they found out about the wedding?”

“We don’t know that for sure,” Yuta interjected.  

Everyone looked up at him expectantly. Yuta froze, as though he came to Winwin’s defense without having even thought of what he was going to say.  

Before Jaehyun could move on, Taeil began to speak.  

“Wait, he’s right. Didn’t Taeyong and Jeno say that we have no way of knowing for sure how long the letter has been in transit? It’s possible that the letter has been in transit since before Johnny stopped keeping watch over Winwin.”  

“Yeah,” Yuta exclaimed, having regained his momentum.  

“And besides, wouldn’t Winwin have known that updating Wayv this soon after regaining his freedom would put him under suspicion?”

Jaehyun paused.  

“Perhaps, but that doesn’t out rule the likelihood that Winwin’s loyalty is with Wayv. It’s highly probable that he prioritized his mission to leak information over his own safety.”

“No, that’s not necessarily true. If that were the case, then why would Wayv have sent such a message? If they knew that the wedding going to be announced in five days anyway, then why would they put Winwin under suspicion? Wouldn’t they want us to trust Winwin so he could leak information more easily?” Taeil pressed on.

Jaehyun, Taeil, and Yuta continued arguing with each other as Winwin and the others watched in silence.

“I’ve made my decision,” Jaehyun announced.  

“Winwin will be removed from any NCT related activity until further notice and will be placed back under heavy watch.”

“Will I be the one to watch over him again?” Johnny asked.

“No,” Jaehyun answered.  

“This time, Taeil will be the one to watch over Winwin.”

“But sir, I thought you said you didn’t want me to watch over him given our close relationship.”  

“I am aware of that Taeil, but given how eager you are to prove Winwin’s innocence, perhaps that will motivate you in making sure that nothing gets past you. If Winwin were to fall under suspicion again, just know that you’ll be the one to we turn to in confirming his innocence. I also doubt that if Winwin were to display suspicious behavior that you would try to cover up for him.”  

Jaehyun looked at Winwin.

“Today cameras will be set up in your room. You are not to leave your room without Taeil there to escort you. You will not be permitted to use any electronic devices without Taeil either. As for the rest of you,”

Jaehyun looked around the room.  

“From this moment on, no one is permitted to speak to Winwin regarding anything NCT related.”

[sunflowerheartsandstarryskies]

Ain’t Family Great? ~ Lucifer Morningstar x  GenderNeutral!Reader

Summary: You have come from a very religious household, and they don’t take too kindly when they heard that you are dating someone literally named the devil.

Author’s Note: I literally got this idea from seeing a dialogue prompt on Pinterest, and it just spiraled out of control. 

Trigger Warning: Curse words, some innuendos, biblical literalism, religious talk (It is Lucifer)

You were a friend and coworker of Chloe Decker, you mostly worked in the background doing research and gathering the data on the criminals and suspects of the cases your unit was working on. That is how you met Lucifer, Chloe asked you to gather information on two main suspects on a case she was working on and Lucifer was lingering on in the background.

 When you gave Chloe the information you gathered and she left, Lucifer piped up, “What’s your name? I haven’t seen you before” “That’s because I mostly work on research stuff for cases, so I do a lot of the office work and investigative work that requires me to be in a chair for the whole day. My name’s (Y/N), Chloe’s mentioned you before,” you replied with a small smile. “Ah I hope not all of them are terrible, even if I am the Devil I like to think I have a certain amount of charm,” he said with a smirk.

That’s when you first heard him call himself the devil, and if you were honest with yourself you were always curious about his name: Lucifer Morningstar. 

You grew up in an extremely religious household, which at times felt like you were suffocating from the relentless biblical literalism that was upheld in your house. You were always curious about the Devil in the biblical stories and you always found the quote by Mark Twain interesting if read in a certain context otherwise it’ll sound like an angsty emo kid trying to be philosophical. 

There was an instance where you were on a case with Chloe and Lucifer, and the killer had said, “Oh, you know that phrase? The devil made me do it? It felt like that” 

You let out a light snort at that as you immediately responded, “The devil didn’t make you do anything. Your poor impulse control and anger management, and might I add quite a horrid spectacle of internet history could certainly be a bad combination to make you do something.”

After the case, Lucifer was very curious about your statement towards the killer as you guys headed to a cafe to get some lunch together, he asks, “Why were you so against the man using that phrase? I mean I hate it because it is so demeaning, I’ve got better things to do.”

 You shrugged as you sipped your beverage and responded, “I don’t know, maybe it’s partly because of my very religious family which I have realized how much bullshit I was forced to listen to since I was born, so I guess I grew to have sympathy for the devil.” “Oh really?” Lucifer’s small smile grew to a smirk as he leaned forward, Chloe swatted him to move back.

“Not you. I don’t know you, but one of my favorite quotes about the devil is from Mark Twain,”  you commented. “I don’t think I have,” he continued to have that smirk on his face. He was very handsome but he was so goddamn annoying, you thought. “Well, it goes: ‘Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?’ Like, there’s this whole thing about redemption in the Bible and catholicism but does the Devil ever get the chance to get his redemption? No, I think God wanted a scapegoat and he got it from a rebel,” you ranted. 

Lucifer looked shocked for a moment but gathered his posture and said, “Well, you thought about this quite a bit. I assume because of your family?” You just shrugged at first, took a sip from your drink, then nodded. “Their family is very strict, I thought my family was weird but they got me beat, ” Chloe informed him. 

“They stopped talking to me, they didn’t think that I was enough for them. It hurt at first but y’know as time moves on I figured that I have better things to do than wallow in my past, so I realized I needed help so I got therapy and now I’m here,” you surmised. “Family is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? Filling us with traumas and issues since we were created,” Lucifer commented.

                                                                                                                             Time has passed between that first case with Lucifer and Chloe, now whenever they needed an extra pair of eyes they’d call on you to help with them. It was an interesting dynamic that you and Lucifer had developed over the weeks that you were going with them on cases. You were able to talk about literally anything with Lucifer, he made you feel comfortable which is odd since his persistence on him calling himself the Devil. By him associating himself with it, you thought he was supposed to be like an actual bad guy, but gauging his reaction to your conversation about your first case with them, you made a realization that because of his name people treat like the actual devil. 

One day, you went through your mail in the apartment lobby and spotted a letter that was from your hometown, and another one with the return address being your parents’ house. ‘The hell is this?’ you thought. 

When you opened the first one you found a wedding invitation that your cousin was inviting you to, you were actually pretty close with this cousin, she was really chill and she understands the conservative and religious household you used to live in. The second one was your parents’ basically condemning you from being at your cousin’s wedding, and that pissed you off. You were a grown adult, you would be damned if you’d let your parents try to control you anymore. 

You decided to go out to LUX, because if there is one person who understands controlling parents it was Lucifer and maybe he’d be able to give you the extra courage you need to stand up to your parents. You had on your favorite party outfit, and when you entered the club you could feel the thrum of energy and the bass of the music go straight to your heart. As you walked to the bar you spotted Maze whom you’ve met before when you came here out of Lucifer’s request, you waved her over.

 “What can I get for you?” She asked. “I’m sure you know what’s the best drink here, so I’ll leave that to you,” you said. You turned around to just watch the crowd and started to get a little nervous about the idea of going back to your hometown for the wedding, you love your cousin but hate your parents. So, you were at a bit of a crossroads with this. While you were watching the crowd you saw Lucifer come up to you with a big grin on his face. 

“Well, hello (Y/N) this is a surprise. What brings you here?” Lucifer beamed.

 “I actually came here to see you, to ask for advice,” you replied. 

“A horrible decision really,” he smirked.

“My cousin invited me to her wedding but my parents know and basically condemned me from going to the wedding, and I’m unsure of whether to just stay here in L.A. or to go to the wedding and just be resilient against what my parents’ might say to me,” you said crossing your arms and rubbing them back and forth. 

“Well, that sounds like quite a situation you got yourself in”

“I know, that’s why I am asking what I should do?”

“You know I’m all about that rebellion against parental figures, so I say go to the wedding and have a good time, your parents be damned. In fact, I would never say no to a party, so I could come up with you,” he added with a wink.

“Would you like to be my plus one? But please don’t start anything with my parents,” you begged him.

“I thought you’d never ask, and I can’t promise you that,” he smirked.

                                                                                                                            After, that conversation both of you got ready for travelling out to your hometown and you made sure to bring the outfits that gave you the most confidence in yourself because you knew that you’d need that. 

You admitted to yourself a while ago that you had a crush on Lucifer, he was hot as hell, always polite with you, and treated you with genuine interest and respect.  You also made a promise to not let your feelings get caught in the middle of your mission. You are going to have a good time at this wedding, congratulate your cousin and just have a good time. 

                                                                                                                            Both of you made it one piece to the hotel that Lucifer somehow booked without your knowledge, because you swore you got a cheap motel room but as you tried to convince Lucifer to let you go to your motel room, he just said, “Are you crazy? I’m the devil for a reason, darling, I got connections everywhere and plus this place is much more spacious. We don’t need to sleep in the same bed if that’s what’s making you uncomfortable.”

“I just thought you would probably be looking for hookups or something and would want your own hotel room for that stuff,” you sputtered. 

“Well if that comes to it, I’ll go to their room because I wanted to give you the comfiest place to go back to because I know how family can be,” Lucifer answered. 

“That’s really nice of you, y’know for someone insisting he’s the devil you can be really sweet.”

The hotel room was really nice, it had two bedrooms and a large tv screen in front of the dining area. As time moved on and you guys decided to decompress and relax on one bed and decided to just mindlessly watch the tv. You fell asleep and Lucifer watched you for a moment as he realized you were asleep, he put you under the covers and fell asleep next to you.

The next day you woke up to the sunlight hitting your eyes, you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and as you took a deep breath in you smelled something delicious. You turned around and saw Lucifer cooking breakfast with his shirt half undone and his hair all curled up. 

“Good morning (Y/N), how did you sleep?” Lucifer asked.

“Pretty good, actually,” you answered with a yawn still trying to wake up.

As you both ate breakfast in relative comfortable silence, you looked at your phone and noticed the time. “Shit, we should get ready to go to the church and the party afterwards,” you told him as you got up and went to your suitcase to gather your things.

After what seems like hours to both of you, you managed to get out of the hotel room and to the church. Lucifer dropped you off in front of the church as he wanted to find a parking space for his car. As you waited in front of the church you noticed your parents walking to the church and felt your stomach churn as they were inching closer to you. Your mom looked furious and it was like her whole head was on fire how red it was. Your dad had a more quiet anger to him but you saw the clenched fists and the tightened jaw on him. You put out a little prayer to whoever to get Lucifer faster to you. 

“What are you doing here? I thought we told you to not come here,” your mother sneered.

“The last time I checked I am a grown adult and (Y/C/N) invited me to their wedding,” you stated. 

“Listen here you bitch, you are a disgrace to this family and that is why we didn’t want you here,” your mother hissed.

Before you could get another word in you heard Lucifer, “Oh there you are, love, I was looking for you.” He kissed the side of your head as he wrapped a hand around your waist and looked at your parents as he continued, “You must be (Y/N)’s parents, I’m her boyfriend, a pleasure to meet you.”

You looked at him a bit surprised and your parents’ faces were that of a gulping goldfish. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry I haven’t introduced myself. My name is Lucifer. Lucifer Morningstar,” he stated.

“Like the devil?” your father said with apprehension in his voice, he made your mom step back behind him. 

“Oh, I’m not as bad as the books say, you know,” Lucifer spoke with a wink.

“Quiet, evil one,”  your dad sneered.

“Oooh, name-calling so fearsome, “ Lucifer scoffed. He looked towards you as you were just staring at the three of them. “C’mon love, we’ve got a wedding to go to, can’t be late.”

                                                                                                                            After that encounter the wedding reception went quite beautifully, you may or may not have teared up hearing your cousin and their spouse recite their vows. When you both went to the after-party you both stayed away from your parents and they seemed to have lost interest after that conversation earlier. 

A slow dance came on while you were at the bar getting a drink when Lucifer appeared next and offered you his hand. You just raised an eyebrow at him in response and just said, “I thought you weren’t the type for slow dancing?” “Only with the right partner I find it enjoyable,” he smirked with a wink. 

You hit him on the chest playfully and replied, “How do you know I’d be the right partner?” you asked. “Ooh I’d figure you’d be good at from the first day I saw you” he quipped. “Okay show me your moves, then,” you replied, taking his hand and walking to the dance floor.

He led most of the dances, keeping you close to his chest with his hand on your back. It was nice, the rhythm of his heartbeat in your ear was very soothing as well as him occasionally humming with the song if he knew, which more often than not he did. 

You looked at him and you both started to stare at each other’s eyes. You felt your eyes flutter between his eyes and his lips, he was doing the same to you. His hand cupped the back of your head and he engulfed your mouth with his. You kissed back with as much passion, but as soon as he was kissing you it was over. That kiss left you wanting more and you subconsciously leaned in closer to him.

“Wow” you whispered looking at him. Lucifer just smiled at you for a second. “I hope you wouldn’t mind if you became my real girlfriend then a spontaneous fake one?” he asked. “I would love nothing more Lucifer,” you replied with a huge grin. “Let’s get out of here then, love,” he said as he took your hand and led you out of the building and back to your shared hotel room. This time there didn’t need to be any excuses to sleep next to each other, you just did.

[jingerhead]

so, idk if u are taking prompts but i really would like to see andrew struggling with intrusive thoughts?

Yup I’m still taking prompts! Ah yes it’s finally time to prove I can write more than crack-y fluff. This kinda led to a character analysis sorta thing, so tbh I think this is the most in-character thing that I’ve written. I decided to take a look at things post-canon ‘cause there’s still a lot of healing all these guys need to go through. Please mind the trigger warnings!

Read on AO3 | Word Count: 4,757 | Rated M | TW: intrusive thoughts, references to self-harm, references to past rape

The sun was getting lower in the sky as the day got closer to its end, the sky near the horizon starting to bleed red. It was still warm outside, not too hot to be sweltering, and a light breeze kept blowing Andrew’s hair into his eyes as he watched the purple clouds move slowly. When it first happened he pushed it away, thinking absentmindedly that he should get a haircut soon, but the longer he sat on the roof the more he went from watching to staring blankly, looking without actually looking. He was aware that Neil was sitting at his side, of the cigarette he was holding loosely in his fingers, but the world around also seemed to fade the more into his own mind he fell.

It usually happens. After sitting still for so long there wasn’t much else to do than think, to process, maybe reflect. Sometimes it felt like there was too much in his head, and he often spent more time imagining conversations rather than actually carrying them out. Important things he’d give voice to, but sometimes he’d wonder what it would be like to debate with Kevin over WWII, sing along to songs on the radio with Nicky, or to admit something meaningful to Neil.

And then, there were the darker things.

How would he react if you pushed him over the side? Andrew thought. He suddenly came back to himself, genuinely taking a moment to wonder what Neil would do if he was pushed off the roof. Andrew hadn’t been lying that one time he threatened to do such a thing, and Neil had looked back and simply said something about dragging Andrew down with him, which had shocked him enough to not follow through.

But how would he react? Would he be able to find a handhold in time? Maybe roll once he got to the bottom and somehow spare his legs from getting broken? Andrew had a feeling Neil would be able to do something crazy like that, given his background. Or maybe he would grab Andrew and drag them both down until they hit the pavement.

It was easier to identify the thoughts and stop thinking about them. Or, to at least try to. Andrew let go of the cigarette and watched it fall to the pavement instead, gripping the edge of Fox Tower to both keep himself in place and from going to push Neil off. Not that he was actually going to do it - ever since he got off the meds he was able to keep his impulses in check, taking a moment to stop himself from punching someone who would say something he didn’t want to hear or from saying something stupid for no damn reason. He counted himself lucky that he hadn’t tried to kiss Neil during those months, somehow convincing himself not to every time he thought about doing it. 

Andrew could feel Neil’s stare on the side of his head, knowing that his actions hadn’t gone unnoticed. But Neil didn’t ask, because he never did, and they spent a few minutes in silence while Andrew tried to get his mind blissfully blank again. To try to think about anything but what Neil’s broken body would look like thirty feet below, and to try to imagine what his outline for his English essay was going to be. About exams that were only a few weeks away. Hell, even exy so long as he could stop imagining Neil’s lifeless blue eyes.

His hands shook. The moment Neil opened his mouth, Andrew was on his feet, stuffing his fists into the pockets of his jeans and walking towards the doors back into the tower. He just needed to get away from Neil so that he wouldn’t have to keep thinking about anything anymore, maybe try to go to sleep. He’d call Betsy in the morning.

Neil didn’t follow him, but later that night he climbed into the bottom bunk, and Andrew started thinking about his eyes all over again.

~*~

There was a movie night in Matt’s dorm that the foxes were going to. At one point Andrew ended up in the kitchen to get away from everyone, leaning against the counter and staring at the block of knives. Kevin’s obnoxiously loud laughter ran out more than anything else he heard, and it made Andrew clench a fist.

Just grab the biggest one, his mind whispered. Go back in there and kill them all.

He didn’t. He punched the block and watched it fall to the floor, making a loud crash that gained the attention of everyone else in the room. Without saying anything, he left.

~*~

Exams were enough to even get Kevin to want to leave campus for a while, so with the promise of free lunch Andrew let people climb into the Maserati, leading the way to some restaurant everyone else wanted to go to. The whole team sans Aaron was going, since he had a ‘study date’ with Katelyn, which was likely just an excuse to fuck in an empty dorm room. Andrew gripped the steering wheel more tightly, not feeling as guilty when he imagined shoving one of his knives through the cheerleader’s throat. He wouldn’t, but that wouldn’t stop him from wanting.

Some conversation was going on in the backseat since Matt had been allowed to join their group. Someone had said something about a ‘boys car’ and a ‘girls car’ that Andrew didn’t give two shits about, and it was easy to block out the conversation under the excuse that he was watching the road. Not that anyone tried to talk to him in the first place.

The restaurant ended up being some sort of local sandwich place that Matt kept saying was good. It wasn’t busy or playing obnoxious music at least, it didn’t smell like shit and they actually had a large enough table for all eight of them to sit. While the conversation picked up again and a waitress came to get orders for drinks, Andrew picked up the butter knife at his spot and started twirling it through his fingers like Renee had taught him, far slower than her and therefore much less impressive, but it was something to do with his hands for the moment.

When it came to ordering something, Andrew debated on who to pass his menu to and ended up choosing Neil, who was sitting on his right side. Neil took it without complaint, glancing over it and eventually pulling out of his talk with Matt to ask Andrew if he’d want something that caught his eye. Andrew wasn’t particularly hungry, but he nodded to Neil’s question and continued playing with the butter knife, letting the muted chatter around him fill his ears.

His eyes caught on his palm on the table. He remembered the knife in his hand. Drive it right through, Andrew thought. Maybe you could get it through the table.

It would hurt, obviously, so if Andrew really wanted to do it he’d have to stab quickly, but the image of being able to do it slowly couldn’t leave his mind. Watching the blood slowly spill over, somehow being strong enough to stab through the table. How would everyone around react? Screaming? Calls for help? Or would they even care?

The knife in his hand was taken away. Andrew watched Neil put it down on his far side, enough that Andrew would have to reach to get it again. He hadn’t realized he’d gone from twirling it to holding it in a lax fist that had been steadily getting more firm. But Neil had - probably noticed what he was staring at as well. Probably knew what Andrew was thinking.

He didn’t feel guilty. More annoyed that Neil would interfere - that he could interfere like that, just reach over without any fear and do what he wanted. That Andrew let him do what he wanted, even if it cleared his head.

“Don’t play with that,” Neil told him.

Andrew did his best to raise one eyebrow in as unimpressed a look as he could manage, but Neil’s face didn’t change. As usual. “I was using that,” Andrew mumbled into the palm holding up his head.

“We’re all impressed you can use a knife,” Neil replied. “Congratulations.”

Fuck off, Andrew thought, looking away.

~*~

Exam week was a nightmare for everyone and there was just no hiding it.

Too many days off Andrew spent looking over notes he already knew word for word, trying to keep doing something while his teammates desperately tried to keep afloat. He thought about briefly annoying Neil, but Neil had decided to max out in credits that semester and would need all the time to study that he could get. Andrew stayed in the dorm and listened to Kevin say answers to his flashcards Nicky was quizzing him on in the background, tapping his pencil repeatedly against his notebook.

“Andrew!” Nicky eventually called, gaining his attention. “We’re ordering tonight. What do you want?”

It came so suddenly this time. Andrew could feel the wood of the pencil in his hands so clearly when he thought to himself, What if you stuck that in his eye?

Everyone would have a hard time forgiving him, at the very least. Andrew kept imagining it, seeing the pencil where it absolutely shouldn’t be and it took everything he had to look away and throw his pencil behind him, staring at his notebook instead. It was quiet for a while.

“Alright, I guess I’ll just ask Neil,” Nicky decided. Andrew could hear him walk away. He was pretty sure Kevin was staring at the back of his head.

~*~

They were practicing, because even though it was summer Kevin goddamn Day couldn’t stay away from the court for more than two days at a time. The days were warmer, which meant the court was warmer, and the pads Andrew wore quickly made him sweat even though he was just standing in place at the goal, letting shots go by because the last thing he wanted to do was move. Kevin was showing Neil some kind of striking technique that Andrew couldn’t give two shits about, trying to determine what time they arrived and for how long he’d been sweating his ass off.

He wished he could claim he didn’t remember agreeing to this: one last practice before moving out of Fox Tower for the summer. At least he didn’t agree to actively participate, but he could tell that Neil and Kevin wanted a genuine practice that day and were at least aggravated that he wasn’t giving it to them. The only reason he’d agreed in the first place was because Neil is surprisingly convincing when he’s trying to suck marks on Andrew’s neck, testing his control enough that he let some things slide.

Neil tested out whatever Kevin had shown him, and the shot flew right by Andrew’s head to land in the goal. Andrew could spot the frustration despite the helmet Neil wore blocking his face, so he stopped slouching and waited for one of them to say something. Predictably, Neil ran over.

“What would it take for you to play?” Neil asked.

“That we’d leave in ten minutes,” Andrew replied.

“Fifteen.”

“Ten. You’re lucky I’m not making it five.”

“Fifteen,” Neil called over his shoulder, running back to where Kevin was standing.

If he was anyone else, Andrew would’ve rolled his eyes. For now, he got ready in the center of the goal, gripping his racket with two hands and watching Neil’s every move. He took way too long to get ready, listening to something Kevin was telling him and then finally rushing forward. Neil’s always been fast, but he was trying to add some fancy footwork that slowed him down. He was focusing too much on his feet and not on Andrew, who easily blocked the shot. He aimed it back at Neil’s feet, who jumped to avoid the ball. It rolled near Kevin.

Neil just shook his head and jogged to retrieve the ball. Andrew considered pointing out where he’d gone wrong, but in the end he stayed silent. Neil made another attempt that was easily blocked, the ball flying back towards his feet. This time he didn’t wait to scoop it back up, clearly abandoning what Kevin was trying to show him to try to just score. But every time the ball came towards him, Andrew caught it and shot it right back. 

Shoot it, Andrew thought. Make it fly through his chest and score in the other goal.

And he did it. The next shot Neil made at him, Andrew caught it and made it fly back with all his strength, aiming for Neil’s head instead of his chest. Neil dodged at the last second, watching as the ball flew across the court. After a few moments the opposite goal lit up red. Andrew starred, then dropped his racket and tugged off his helmet, throwing it on the ground and walking towards the locker room.

The moment he got there he started pulling off his pads and jersey, stripping down and getting into the shower to try to cool down. He ended up getting in the water without taking off his shorts or armbands and leaned against the cool wall, which helped soothe his overheated skin. For a while he just stood there, much longer than he’d originally meant to, until he stopped thinking about how he could’ve killed Neil. About how he’d very well tried to.

When he got out, he wrapped a towel around his shoulders and made his way to his locker. Slowly he changed, listening closely for any sign of Kevin or Neil coming back. In the end neither arrived until he’d changed and started smoking while sitting on the bench, avoiding Kevin’s frown and Neil’s level look. Kevin went straight for the showers and Neil straddled the bench across from Andrew, staring at the cigarette, eventually taking it from Andrew’s fingers and taking a drag.

“That was incredible,” he whispered after a moment.

“What?” Andrew asked, stealing his cigarette back.

“You scored in the other goal.” Neil raised his eyebrows for a moment, smiling without smiling. “You should do that during a game.”

Try to take your head off? Andrew thought for a moment. He glanced down at the bench, wondering what Neil would think if he gave voice to what he’d thought. He probably wouldn’t be that phased, but he didn’t want to say them out loud. He’d talk to Betsy later. He stubbed the cigarette out and faced the man in front of him. “Yes or no?” he asked, not sure what he was asking for exactly, but wanting to make it up in his mind. To say sorry for something Neil didn’t realize.

“Yes,” Neil said, moving his hands between their bodies and keeping them on the bench while Andrew leaned forward. Neil easily opened his mouth to him and Andrew didn’t mean for the kiss to be gentle, but it just ended up staying that way. 

When they pulled back, Andrew decided that wasn’t an apology. He wanted a kiss so he asked for one, and Neil gave it. “I’m not doing that again,” he said quietly, thinking about the goal he’d made. He almost couldn’t believe he was saying anything at all.

“Alright,” Neil replied, as though it was that easy.

Andrew got up and grabbed his things, making his way towards the parking lot. Neil followed, forgoing a shower for now. When they reached the Maserati they both leaned against it and each lit up their own cigarette while waiting for Kevin. He came out a few minutes later, climbing into the backseat.

“Those things are going to destroy your lungs,” he told them.

“We know, Kevin,” Neil replied.

Andrew started the car and drove to Fox Tower.

~*~

In a perfect world, everyone would’ve left campus by now and Andrew could leave in relative silence. Nicky had already said goodbye, bound for his flight to Germany to see Erik again. Aaron wasn’t living in the same dorm but Andrew was sure he was still around somewhere. They both avoided each other.

Matt and Dan were leaving at the same time, coming around the room to say goodbye to Neil and to remind him to text them - and to text them often - lest they die of worry. Renee had left Andrew a brief text goodbye, reminding him to take care of himself. Kevin didn’t have far to go, since he was spending the summer with Wymack.

The last one to offer goodbyes was Allison, who stopped by their dorm as well to wave goodbye to Neil and give Andrew one last sharp look that he supposed he deserved.

Her hair’s long. Just grab it and slam her into the wall, Andrew thought. He could imagine a smashed nose and smudged makeup and it made him feel oddly satisfied.

“What?” Allison asked, hovering in the doorway. “I’m not saying goodbye to you.”

Andrew turned away from her and went to finish packing. He’d had thoughts like these before, but...

He couldn’t tell if they were getting worse, or if he was just noticing them more.

~*~

A week later, Andrew and Neil were alone in the house in Columbia and had settled in as much as they could. Neil never unpacked the one bag that came with, other than his duffle, and Andrew had haphazardly tossed the clothes he’d brought into the single dresser in his room. Nicky was in Germany and Aaron had gone on a trip with Katelyn….somewhere. Andrew hadn’t been told where, which was probably for the best.

They’d been alone for a week, and would be for a while longer, but Andrew didn’t want to spend too much time doing nothing. At the end of the week he asked Neil, who gave him his answer, and one way or another they ended up in Andrew’s room. He moved Neil to the bed, who let himself be pinned - had practically offered up his wrists - with his hands on either side of his head. It was easier for Andrew to kiss him that way, straddling Neil’s hips but keeping their torsos apart. He couldn’t stop kissing Neil, biting at his lips until they were bruised and dark red. Neil didn’t voice any complaint but Andrew could see the tiny pinch between his eyebrows when he pulled away.

Ever since he’d first kissed Neil he’d thought of things like this: how they’d move together, how he’d keep the redhead down, how he’d bite and suck to make it hurt and hear Neil cry out. Andrew released one wrist so he could drag his hand down Neil’s body, on top of the shirt he wouldn’t remove and to Neil’s sweatpants, watching his face the whole time. The pinch ebbed away the moment Andrew touched him through the pants, and Neil’s expression became far more relaxed. The hand beside his head tangled in the sheets, staying right where it was.

Andrew pushed down harder on the wrist he was still holding in place while his other pushed past Neil’s waistband, still watching his face. Neil nodded a few times, lips parting to let out a breathy sound that Andrew wanted to hear again. He wanted everything he could get from Neil - wanted to hear every noise he could make, wanted to trace every inch of Neil’s body with his lips, wanted to keep him pinned down and take, take, take.

Do it, he told himself. Andrew leaned upwards so he could nip at the shell of Neil’s ear, having to stretch to do it but the resulting moan he heard was so worth it. You know how. 

He did, he did and he wanted. He wanted Neil stuck under his body, maybe begging for more or whispering that it was too much, but Andrew would do what he wanted, anyways. For all his secrecy with his identity in the past, Neil’s reactions to sex had always been the most genuine, and it just made Andrew want to take him apart more. To keep pushing because Neil would let him, because he’d already asked and it was okay and…

Do it, Andrew’s mind repeated.

No.

He pulled back, letting go of Neil’s wrist and pulling his hand out from underneath the sweatpants, getting to his feet and standing. He was shocked that he’d end up thinking of such a thing in the first place, but then again, should he be so shocked? It was frightening that he’d even consider pushing forward without Neil’s say-so, but he’d still wanted to do it.

“Andrew?” Neil whispered from the bed.

How long had he been standing there? Andrew didn’t glance back, as much as he wanted to, and rushed down the stairs to grab his keys and start the car. He didn’t know where he was going to go, only that he needed to get away for a while. Away from Neil, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk about what he’d just thought, and he needed some time.

Neil would let him have it. He always did.

Andrew drove until he reached a gravel lot near a small forest, hopping out of the car and lighting up a cigarette. It was pitch black and there was a single light post and the moonlight, and Andrew was aware he was suddenly in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere and he’d left his knives back at the house. Because he’d taken off his armbands for some fucking reason. Andrew pocketed his lighter and ended up shoving one shaking hand underneath the sleeve of the sweater he was wearing as though that would help.

It didn’t. Which was good, because he didn’t want it to.

He didn’t finish his first cigarette before he was crushing it in the gravel, then grabbed another and lit it and barely took in three drags before crushing it as well. He didn’t reach for a third, instead going for his phone back in his car and looking for Betsy’s number. It was almost one in the morning but she always answered, and he’d been putting this off for far too long.

The thoughts weren’t new. The ones about using his knives or crashing his car or puncturing his skin. And the ones about Neil weren’t technically new, either, but this was the first time he’d really thought about them or let them go this far. He remembered back when he’d first told Neil, “I won’t be like them. I won’t let you let me be.” That couldn’t have changed.

Betsy picked up, her voice just slightly groggy, like she’d been sleeping and Andrew woke her. He’d stopped feeling guilty about that a while ago. “Andrew,” she greeted.

“Hi,” he replied, glancing down at the gravel and kicking it. 

“One in the morning,” she mused. “Shouldn’t you kids be getting more sleep?”

Probably. “It’s…” Andrew paused, almost sighing. “I’m having intrusive thoughts again.”

“Having them again?”

“They never stopped.” Andrew did sigh that time. Betsy waited. “I think I’m just noticing them more.”

“Okay. Do you know why?”

Yes. “I think I almost hurt Neil.” No, he knew he almost hurt Neil.

“Do you need to tell me how?”

He could barely bring himself to think about it again. Andrew pressed his free arm more tightly to his side. “No. They’re getting worse.”

"Hm." Andrew could imagine Betsy nodding on the other end. "What did you do? Where are you?"

"I left. I needed to get away from him."

“Andrew, I think you need to talk to Neil about these things,” Betsy replied. “Especially if these thoughts are about him.”

And he knew that was something she’d suggest, but it was still something he wasn’t prepared to hear. “Will he leave?” Andrew blurted, holding more tightly to his phone.

“I can’t even begin to guess what Neil will do,” Betsy replied. “But, I do know that you chose to stay at his side after hearing about everything that’s happened to him. And he’s still healing, Andrew. You both are.”

“So, we’re just going to confess the darkest parts of ourselves to one another?” Andrew sneered.

“No, I don’t think that’s what either of you will do at all. I don’t think you’re going to tell him for a while, even though I’d wish you’d do it sooner.”

She was right. Andrew didn’t have any desire to tell Neil that he was thinking about those kinds of things, because it hurt him enough in his own mind. “Then…”

“What?” Betsy finished. “Well, for starters, go back to the house and see him. These thoughts aren’t just going to go away, Andrew, but you can learn coping strategies. And I’ll help you find them.”

“I know.”

“Good. Go home, and see if you still think the same thing. You may think those things at first, but if you can process it and realize that you don’t still believe them…” Betsy trailed off. Andrew could imagine her holding out her hands in a ‘well, there you go’ gesture. “It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re healing. And that takes time.”

“I know,” Andrew repeated. He took a deep breath. “Thanks, Bee.”

“Of course.”

He hung up and took a moment to stare at his feet, kicking at some of the gravel and trying to convince himself to get moving. Neil would no doubt be waiting, and for as much as he deserved some answers, Andrew wasn’t ready to give them. He’d also like to avoid a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ kind of talk. He hoped Neil wasn’t blaming himself, and was almost sure that he wasn’t.

The drive back to the house was much calmer. Andrew still took his time, stalling slightly on purpose. At one point he considered finding a 24/7 gas station and buying some ice cream, but they already had that back at the house, and it would be a stupid excuse, anyways. When he pulled into the driveway he didn’t spot any lights on inside, which meant that Neil had to be sitting in the dark or asleep.

Andrew wasn’t sure what he’d rather face.

He dropped his keys off in a small dish on a counter near the kitchen, finding Neil seated on the couch in the living room. He’d changed into pajamas, checkered pants and a shirt that Andrew was pretty sure was his own. Neil was watching him the whole way Andrew slowly walked to the couch, eventually sitting down on the cushion. “Staring,” he said, trying to start on familiar ground.

“Hmm,” Neil hummed. There was some drowsiness in his eyes but that was also the closest to a silent, “I’m worried,” as Andrew was getting. He didn’t want to hear those words and Neil knew it.

“Bed,” Andrew decided. He didn’t move to leave.

“In a minute,” Neil said after a few seconds. “Tell me if you’re okay. Yes or no?”

“No,” Andrew admitted.

“Do you want to sleep alone in bed?”

“No,” Andrew stressed, because he’d gotten away from Neil and talked to Betsy and did what she asked. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Neil on purpose, no matter what came to mind. He didn’t want to hurt anyone that was willingly close to him.

“Then I need you to promise me that you’ll say ‘no’ when that’s your answer,” Neil said firmly. “I will always tell you what my answer is when the time comes. But you have to promise to do the same.”

“That’s why I left,” Andrew explained, looking right into Neil’s eyes so that his message was clear.

Neil didn’t study him for long. After a moment he got to his feet, starting to walk towards the stairs. Andrew got up and followed wordlessly, climbing into bed after Neil got settled near the wall. He didn’t bother to change, which he’d regret after sleeping in jeans, but he also didn’t give a shit. He was tired and drained, and Neil was just laying there. Waiting.

“I talked to Bee,” he whispered.

“I didn’t ask.”

“And yet I’m telling you.” Andrew closed his eyes, willing sleep to come quickly. Or in any way that night. But for once his mind was just slightly quiet, so it didn’t take as long as he thought it would to drift off. Not silent, but muffled and muted. And that would have to do.

[rvmmm21]

. keep it down .

summary : judgemental is the last thing joohyun is, but when seungwan can seem to keep it to herself, you can bet she’ll have something to say about it.

small note : this sat in my head, and then in my drafts, and now it's sitting here, obnoxious as seungwan. and if there’s anything i struggle with more than my inner fight between yandere!violence and yandere!smut, it’s writing two characters doing the consensual nasties. even worse, if it’s a group endeavour. thankfully irene’s not about to let that happen. idk but there’s like a tinge of humiliation somewhere, but not enough for me to want to trigger warn you about.

[irene x wendy]

...

There are only so many ‘sounds’ her ears can take before she blows her top. Especially when they surface every damned day of the week.

She gets it, she understands. It isn’t like there’s very much else to do what there’s a virus plaguing the nation and quarantine restrictions don’t seem to be lifting anytime soon. Plus, Red Velvet had already been laying low for the past few weeks prior, so everyone was getting a little restless. Even she’s found her own fingers wandering past her waistband more often than she’d care to put a number to… so it’s not like she’s about to judge her for it.

Except, she can, because could she be any louder? Like seriously, it’s damaging. The frequency of those moans could shatter the windows on a fucking rocket if they weren’t contained within the four walls of her room, goddamnit! She’s been out here all morning trying to get in some quality tv time – just some peace and quiet with National Geographic on for Christ’s sake, and Son bloody Seungwan is obnoxiously denying her that right.

Joohyun angrily nibbles on the edge of a biscuit, equally close to stuffing her ears with cotton-wool and breaking that door down and giving her self-serving member an earful. This is… what, the third? Fourth time today? All in what? The span of a few hours? God, she thinks, rolling her eyes as she glances at the clock, she’s really going for the Guinness Book of World Records, isn’t she?

It’s not even noon.

With an exasperated grunt, she pushes herself off the sofa and marches to the door. She had originally planned to just barge in and start yelling, but something stops her right before she has her fingers around the handle, and she finds herself slowly pressing an ear to the cool, thin wood, listening. Yep, she’s going at it again. Joohyun’s breath unconsciously catches in her throat when she hears the heavy sigh from the other side – if she listens really closely, it’s like she’s sighing right into her ear. And if she listens closer still, she can just about hear the sound of fingers against wetness.

Since Seulgi has taken Yerim out to the coffee shop, and Sooyoung’s all huddled up in her own room, headphones on and re-watching that one episode of Itaewon Class (she assumes), this could mean she gets some quality time to talk to Seungwan about her ‘problem’.

For a moment there, Joohyun thinks about Seungwan’s behaviour when they’re all out and promoting. Seungwan is bubbly, lively and full of charisma – she’s about to be full of something else, but she’ll save that image for later. She’s so soft, so even-tempered, so well-adjusted to idol life, Joohyun had often wondered how she managed it despite their constantly hectic schedules and rising levels of stress… and, well, she knows now. Her precious dongsaeng; who hasn’t a single nasty bone in her body – aside from all this self-gratification, but that doesn’t count.

Ahh, anyway, Seungwan’s in trouble. She’s definitely in trouble. And she’s going to hear all about it. Because it isn’t so much the fact that Joohyun’s been interrupted out of sleep days in a row now, or the fact that Yerim has come knocking on her door in the middle of the night because ‘Seungwan unnie’s watching weird goat videos in her room’ and she can’t go back to sleep. Hell, it isn’t even because she can’t watch the nature channel without those animalistic mating noises Seungwan so considerately contributes to, oh no.

It’s because every time Joohyun hears them, it curls that flame in her belly even tighter than the last. And while Seungwan seems to be satisfied, Joohyun absolutely cannot stomach the thought of getting her own panties wet and having the decency to carry on about her day without locking herself in her room and building the muscle in her right bicep.

So she’s done listening, and she doesn’t knock.

She has to swallow a laugh when she hears a shrill yelp and a frantic blur of blankets as Seungwan scrambles to cover herself in her sheets, as if the room isn’t already drenched in that very telling scent.

“Unnie!” she screams, twisting the material flush against her body, “oh my gosh, can’t you knock? I was, you – you can’t just come in like that!”

Joohyun just smiles. “Hi Seungwan.”

Seungwan feels the heat move to her cheeks and she looks down with a mumbled ‘hi unnie’. Joohyun steps through the doorway and shuts it behind her, causing the younger girl to shoot up from where she was staring at the floor.

It can’t be any more obvious, really. She’s doing a terrible job at hiding the breathlessness in her tone, the sheets are a mess, and her clothes are in a heap on the chair in the corner. Can… can Joohyun tell she’s naked under this? She should, from the way she’s pulling the sheet up to her neck. Oh and of course, Joohyun doesn’t clear a space on the chair so she can sit. She just sets herself down… on the edge of the bed, right next to her. That smile she’s wearing makes Seungwan think she’s either being blatantly genuine or that she’s got a million things up her sleeve.

“Are you alright? Have you been having nightmares again?”

Well, that was… unexpected. Since when did Joohyun know about the nightmares? Oh, right… that time. Gosh, she’d be lying if she says half her self-service episodes aren’t spurred on from that memory alone. But, no? She doesn’t take naps during the day… and she’s sure the other girl knows it too.

She cocks her head to the side. “Um, no unnie? I’m okay, really. Th-thanks for checking on me, though. You can, uh…” But she can’t find it in her to tell her to leave.

Unfortunately, Joohyun insists on playing dumb. “Are you sure, Seungwan-ah?” She reaches up to brush a strand of hair from Seungwan’s face. “I thought I heard crying or… or something. Even Yerimie tells me she thinks you must be having bad dreams. You wake her up sometimes, you know? With your crying.”

Okay, so ‘crying’ is definitely a euphemism.

No, no, no. There’s no way.

Has she been that loud? Surely she hasn’t tainted poor, darling Yerimie’s innocent ears with all her immorality, has she? Wait, what has everybody been hearing?

Joohyun cuts through her thoughts, leaning in over her and holding her down with her gaze. Seungwan can’t help the shiver that rattles through her when she sees what’s in those eyes, all too aware of the dryness in her lips and the cool air against her heated skin.

Before she has time to react, Joohyun is bringing Seungwan’s fingers – you know, the ones that had been between her thighs not ten minutes ago, still slightly damp from activities – up under her nose and… that fucking smile stretches all the way to her ears when she confirms something she’s known all along.

“Nightmares, maybe not…” Joohyun sounds far too nonchalant for someone who’s just found out her member has been touching herself non-stop. “… well, not for you, anyway.”

Seungwan suddenly can’t remember how to breathe when cinnamon eyes stare right through hers.

“And not for me, either.”

The instant Joohyun’s words register in her brain, Seungwan is pulling her wrist out of the death grip around it and trying to kick away from her. She would’ve succeeded, too, if it weren’t for the fact that Joohyun had already seen this coming. She doesn’t wait for Seungwan to react, and she doesn’t loosen her grip. She tugs her in by the arm, pins it to the bed, and she’s on top of her before Seungwan can even think to catch her breath.

“Get – get the fuck off me!” The reaction is impulsive, unthinking. Seungwan stills when she realises her mistake and instantly corrects herself (which Joohyun thinks is absolutely adorable). “I mean! I-I mean please get off, u-unnie…”

“You know, Seungwannie,” Joohyun continues, ignoring the uncomfortable shift beneath her, “I wouldn’t have minded… except. I’m sure you’re aware that the walls in here aren’t the thickest. And I can only imagine you think you’re being subtle with all those pretty noises you make. Sometimes I just want to watch tv and not have to turn the subtitles on.”

Joohyun watches in amusement as she tries to flinch away, to hide her deafening embarrassment, but there’s really nowhere to go.

P-pretty noises? Subtitles?! Pretty noises!

“Unnie, I… I don’t – I’m…” she stutters, trying unsuccessfully to kick the sheets so she isn’t trapped under them, too.

There’s a definite switch in Joohyun’s voice, which the younger picks up instantly. No more fake concern, no more pretending not to know. It’s still gentle as ever, but there’s something else… and it’s not good news for her.

“Aw, is Wannie feeling shy now?” She taunts, tightening her grip on her wrist just enough to make her squirm. “You certainly don’t seem shy when you’re making me listen to all your moaning… your whimpering…”

Seungwan bites her lip and shakes her head, wanting nothing more than to perish on sight. She’s given up struggling for the moment, because she can barely move with Joohyun’s knee snugly wedged between her legs, putting an unholy amount of pressure on her still-sore clit.

“It’s – it’s not what you think!”

This time Joohyun pulls her hand up to her lips, and oh so slowly takes them into her mouth, a finger at a time, until Seungwan feels them both coated in her own slick and warm saliva. She gulps, and Joohyun grins, sucking her fingers clean. “Oh really? That tasted like exactly what I think it is.” She chuckles at the sheer horror plastered on her dongsaeng’s red face. “You really think you’re quiet, don’t you? I can hear everything, Wannie.”

“Wha – what?”

Joohyun looks down at her. The girl probably doesn’t realise how vulnerable, how lovely she looks, because if she did, she’d know exactly what it was doing to Joohyun’s waning restraint, and she’d definitely try to stop. God, that deep rose tint in her cheeks, the thin sheets she’s barely wrapped in anymore just falling off her shoulders, beckoning her to uncover more. 

And not to mention the taste of her arousal now sitting on her tongue.

“I wonder what everyone else would say, hm? If I told them. What would manager unnie say if I tell her the real reason you were late for our VLive yesterday? Huh? Do you think she’d like to know that our tiniest, sweetest member spends all her free time fucking herself like this?”

Seungwan can only listen and cringe at the prospect of having her innocent façade shattered in front of everyone she’s ever known. “No, please don’t!” She’s quick to interrupt Joohyun’s sadistic musings, thinking she might actually die if she hears any more. And she doesn’t want to resort to looking even more pathetic than she already does, but – “Please, unnie, please don’t tell! I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’ll be quiet next time, promise!”

It’s so funny how Seungwan thinks she can get out of this with a few ‘sorry unnie’s’ and ‘pleases’. Joohyun responds with a firm upper thrust of her knee between her legs, and Seungwan can’t choke back the whimper fast enough. She smirks when the girl’s eyes go wide and she clamps her hands over her own mouth. 

Joohyun will compromise later, but for now, she’s intent on hearing more of those sounds Seungwan seems to suddenly not want her to hear.

“What… what are you…” She tries to scoot back, but Joohyun’s hand is already sneaking down to rub her over the paper-thin cotton sheet. Seungwan almost groans out loud at how wet she is. The fabric slides so smoothly over her folds and Joohyun finds her clit without breaking eye contact for a second, pulling a throaty whine from her when she thumbs it gently. Seungwan’s leaking so much she’s soaked through the barrier of cotton.

The older girl somewhat assesses her reaction. Very, very sensitive, but she can take one more.

Probably.

Seungwan spreads herself open as much as her restrictions will allow, shuddering violently when she feels the heat in her cheeks migrate back down to that spot between her thighs. She can’t help it, though. When Joohyun barged in on her, she’d been so close. Now she just wants her to finish off what she’d disturbed.

Joohyun relents her grip on her wrist to rub a thumb over a nipple, making Seungwan squeak like a baby mouse. God, she really is soft all over.

“Ungh… u-unnie…” Seungwan shields her eyes with an arm, terribly shy. “Please…”

“Mm?” Joohyun dips her head down to flick her tongue over the nipple before lightly biting down. “What was that? Were you close? Did I ruin it?” Although from the moisture on her thumb, she needn’t have asked.

“Don’t worry, unnie will take care of that for you.” Joohyun reassures, bringing her fingers up to tap against Seungwan’s lips, demanding access. “But you need to be quiet, okay? You can use my fingers if it helps.”

The offer is mortifying but at the same time, she doesn’t trust herself to be able to hold back. So she opens, sucking on the fingers filling her mouth and turning anything she was trying to say into a muffled grunt, to which Joohyun smiles encouragingly.

“Does my poor little Wannie need to feel good, hm? She’s just frustrated, isn’t she?”

The only response is a gagged whimper around the digits between her lips. Joohyun slowly increases the pressure against the painful ache at her core, and Seungwan just keens. She can’t vocalise it now, but the way her hips are canting up against the pad of her thumb shows just how desperate she is for more stimulation, and Joohyun almost coos.

Poor Seungwan. Her poor sensitive, edged little Seungwan.

Too bad it’s so much fun to tease her. Especially when she’s so clearly on the brink. But she knows she’s not going to last much longer, not when she’s already twitching like she’s going to cum for the fifth time today. Joohyun is just glad she’s the one making her, this time. She continues to roll her thumb right against Seungwan’s clit, swollen from overstimulation but burning for Joohyun to make it cum again.

Seungwan tries to tell her that she’ll lose it if she keeps this up, but her makeshift gag stops the words from ever leaving her mouth. She doesn’t see Joohyun move, nor does she hear it. All she feels is a slight ruffle in the bedsheets and then the zips of electricity that run down the length of her spine when Joohyun’s lips latch around her nub and suck. Oh gosh, she’s… she’s sucking on her clit. She’s sucking on it through – through the fabric and it feels even better. She tries to shift away a little, wanting to stay like this for as long as possible, but Joohyun’s anchored and she’s helpless to resist it. It quickly becomes too much for her to hold out for a second longer. She’s going to – god, she can’t take anymore, she’s going to cum.

Seungwan falls apart with Joohyun eating her out and four fingers stuffed into her mouth, shivering and whining as best she can while she rides out the most intense orgasm she’s had today, or ever. And Joohyun doesn’t stop, either. She’s still licking – slower, at least, but she isn’t letting up till she feels Seungwan shake at the feeling, oversensitive and exhausted.

Joohyun licks her lips, watching Seungwan struggle to keep her eyes open. So the limit is five, she mentally adds for future reference.

“Did you like that, Wannie? It really sounded like you did. Sooyoung probably heard you from her room.”

Brows furrow in disbelief and Joohyun only shakes her head as she removes her hand, creating a long string of saliva as it leaves her mouth.

She grins as she holds up her spit-coated fingers for Seungwan to blush at. “Really. You have no idea, huh. These definitely aren’t enough to shut you up. I’m going to have to get creative next time.”

Seungwan groans and buries her face in her pillow, mumbling something incoherent about ‘never opening her mouth again’. It’s enough to keep her hands away from her crotch for the rest of her life. That, and the fact that Joohyun is still fully clothed while she’s lying here completely naked, nothing but a soaked bedsheet to preserve any modesty she can scrape together after… whatever’s just happened.

She isn’t sure what she thought was going to happen next, but Joohyun slotting herself comfortably between her and the wall wasn’t on her list of expectations. The next thing that registers in her cloudy mind is that she’s being… cuddled. She didn’t even have to squeeze her bolster like she so often did, thinking about a certain someone after she’d finished ‘fantasising’ or even as she retired for the night. No, this is the real thing! There’s an arm draped around her waist and a warm body snuggled into her side. She wants to pinch herself, half expecting to wake up in another dimension – one where cockroaches run for presidency and everyone’s favourite food is Twinkies (the chocolate kind) – but when she wriggles, the arm tightens around her and she turns to look at the face she wants to wake up to for as long as she lives.

“Unnie?” For someone so usually vocal, she’s at a loss for words. “… I… uh, sorry… about… the noise, I…”

Joohyun shushes her with the gentlest kiss to her cheek and laces their fingers together. “Relax, Wan-ah… I understand. I wasn’t angry with you like that, you know.”

A tiny spark of energy races through the younger girl at those words, and she jolts forward, confused. “Huh? You weren’t angry I was so noisy? The subtitles? Your tv time?”

Assuming she’d have her dongsaeng fall asleep in her arms, the sudden curiosity takes Joohyun by surprise too, but she gradually pushes herself up so she’s resting on her elbows. “Well, not really… you weren’t really disturbing me, that much. I didn’t mean it like that, anyway.”

“W-What do you mean, unnie?”

And Joohyun has to laugh at her sincerity.

With their fingers still intertwined, she brings them up to her lips and kisses the back of Seungwan’s hand.

“You really want to know?”

[sarcastic-soulmate]

Protecting Each Other (AO3)

If you asked Buck how he thought his day was gonna go two hours ago, he never would have guessed this.

He never would have guessed that he'd be standing next to Maddie in a dark alley that he never really should have led her into in front of a group of young men with their hands held up to their sides and hoping they wouldn't shoot.

They had to take a detour because construction was blocking things, and Buck wishes he had just driven them.

He's not necessarily standing in front of Maddie because she's a little behind him. He'd do anything to protect his sister; he has before, and he will now.

"Please let us go," Maddie begs, her voice cracking. Buck wants to tell her to be quiet, but he can't bring himself to say anything. He's frozen in place.

"We have the gun, we make the rules," a gruff voice replies. His hair is brown and slicked back, his eyes dark and beady. He's not particularly big, but not small either, and as impulsive as Buck is, he's not about to try anything stupid when he and Maddie are staring down the barrel of a gun. Not at the moment, at least.

"Give us your phones," a different voice, one in the back, calls.

Buck maintains eye contact with Beady Eyes, slowly lowering his hands to grab the cell phone in his pocket. Maddie does the same, but not before taking a brief glance at Buck, likely to see what he's going to do.

Beady Eyes steps forward and grabs the phones out of their hands, his free hand holding the gun.

Suddenly, his eyes flick over to Maddie as if seeing her for the first time, only breaking his lecherous gaze to turn around and whisper something to his friends. Buck's eyes narrow as he takes a risk, side-stepping to get closer to Maddie and put a protective arm in front of her. She's a young woman, and... he doesn't want to finish that thought.

"She's pretty," Buck hears one of them say. The other 4 men murmur in agreement and his fists clench as Beady Eyes gets closer, heading straight for Maddie.

He stands in front of her, only inches away, his hand coming up to roughly grip her forearm. Maddie tenses, not quite knowing what's coming, but feeling pretty secure in the knowledge that whatever it is isn't good.

"Leave her alone," Buck growls before he can stop himself. Beady Eyes' gaze immediately switches over to Buck, his face hardening as they lock eyes.

"The fuck did you just say to me?"

"Buck—" Maddie warns, giving him her classic big sister glare, but it's not the same, Buck notices, the hints of fear in her eyes only barely hidden.

"What kind of a name is that?" Another one of the five asks, stepping closer to get a better look at Buck. Buck's lips press into a thin line as he tries not to take the bait. It's an interesting contrast; the leader wants him to obey his every whim, but the others seem to want to provoke him and Maddie into a fight.

Knowing that he needs to protect his sister, he stays quiet, a plan forming in his head.

At that moment, the rest of the young men begin to participate in harassing both of them, getting closer and giving them uncomfortable stares.

When Beady Eyes looks back to Maddie, Buck acts quickly, kicking him in the shins. Their phones slip out of his pocket as he groans and instantly falls to the ground, his gun falling a few feet away. Two of the other men still standing attack him, shoving him against the cold wall, a shiver running down his spine despite the fact that he's wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Another one tries to grab the gun, but he kicks it away. He can't fight them all off on his own; he's already pinned to the wall. But he doesn't have to, he realizes, when a loud grunt from a very familiar voice sounds to his far right, and he turns his head to see Maddie struggling against the remaining one for the gun. He's yanking on her wrist, and Maddie's putting up a pretty good fight. She lifts her right leg and kicks him in the hip, and as he lets go of her, she loses balance and falls to the ground, grabbing the gun and quickly standing back up.

"Hands off him!" She yells as she aims the gun at his assailant, distracting him enough for Buck to shove the man's chest and push him far away from him. He runs over to her and she hands him the gun. Suddenly, there's someone behind her with a knife to her neck, his front pressed against her back and his free arm wrapped around her, getting way too much pleasure from that.

"Drop the gun, or she gets it," he says, and Buck lets go of the gun, it clattering against the hard ground. However, the man doesn't let go of Maddie.

"We should take care of him, right?" He says to Beady Eyes who, strangely enough, has just stood up from when Buck kicked him before.

"Yeah." Beady Eyes grabs the gun, aiming at Buck. Buck closes his eyes in defeat as he hears the pull of the trigger.

"No!" Maddie wails. When he doesn't feel anything, he tentatively opens one eye, and then the other, in shock of what he sees below him.

Maddie's lying deathly still on the ground in a puddle of blood.

Their attackers choose this moment to run away from the scene, probably hearing the sirens in the distance even though they're not coming for them.

"Maddie!" He finally screams. "Maddie? Please say something!" He jogs over to his abandoned phone, grabbing it and dialing the 3 numbers he knows by heart.

He yells for help, setting the phone down next to Maddie as he kneels over her, taking her wrist to check for a pulse. It's faint.

"Buck?" She whispers, her voice raspy.

"Why would you do that, Maddie?" He asked, both to keep her talking and because he genuinely needs to know.

"Had to... protect you."

"God, you're worse than I am."

"If I don't make it... I just want you to know—"

"NO! Don't even say it, Maddie."

"Please... I need to do this."

The blood is pouring more and more from her torso, and tears run down his face at her battered body. "I love you, Evan," she whimpers. "Tell Chimney I..."

Her eyes begin to close and Buck panics.

"How much longer?" He yells into the phone.

"The paramedics will be there in 2 minutes," the dispatcher says as Maddie's eyes shut.

"No! Wake up, please don't leave me alone," Buck pleads.

Sirens begin to sound, closer than the distant ones he had heard earlier, and Buck turns to squint down the alley, spotting an ambulance stopped on the road nearby. The door opens, and the paramedics run out, and one spots him staring toward them, gesturing to her co-workers to follow her and dashing toward Buck and Maddie.

He turns back to her, and her eyes are still shut. "Maddie, please! Think about Chimney, think about me! Please don't go!"

Her eyelids begin to flutter, and the next few minutes pass as the paramedics take care of her.

After loading her into the ambulance, he thanks the 911 dispatcher and hangs up, sitting down with her and holding her hand.

"You're gonna be okay, Maddie," he reassures, although whether it's himself or Maddie he is reassuring is unclear.

"I know. We always are."

[daichis-kitty]

KAT’S CHAOS (sorry Daichi, bear with me)

First and foremost–because it doesn’t hurt to reiterate–this blog is a mixture of (n)sfw content. That being said, do not interact with me or any nsfw content I may produce or reblog if you are not 18+. I’m not going to “police” my blog or my followers list but if I do catch someone who is a minor (or if you don’t put your age in your bio), consider yourself  ✨blocked✨ .

NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY, if y’all are curious about me (1, 2):

My name’s Katherine, but I go by Kat. Literally two people call me “Kitty” (because I let them) but… Daichi can call me Kitty 😏

Pronouns are she/her/hers and I’m 21

I lowkey fucks with astrology, so I’m a Pisces sun, Capricorn moon and rising

I’m an INFP (lol I was an ENFP in high school but college made me realize how draining social interaction can be)

This is also my side-blog (if anyone cares, my main is @/harokat but she's a lil ded right now because head empty, only anime). This will most likely be Haikyuu content, but I may sprinkle in some Jujutsu Kaisen stuff or any other anime fandoms I enjoy. (link to my old content)

Navigation:

I try my best to tag things, especially the 18+ content (typically with nsfw and any trigger/content warnings if the original author mentions any or if I feel like I should mention any). I’m only human so if I miss any, feel free to let me know but I also try to go back through my posts/reblogs to double check my tags.

Other tags I use (lol please feel free to blacklist them):

soft.kat → soft stuff, fluff

kat.mewls → thirsts, smut content

kat.writes → lol my attempts, please be nice to me – my heart is like Asahi’s

kat.chat → answers/replies to the things in my ask box

kat.thots → random thoughts, might be just word vomit, may or may not be anime-related

kat.shitposts → lol I apologize in advance

kat.recommends → folks are so talented :’))) 

[name] 🌻 → fwends (◕‿◕✿) and nice anons

list of emoji anons: 🏵

[character].anon ♥️ → successful attempts at manifesting character anons

kat begs for interactions → please talk to me 

anime weekends with bramble 🌻 → weekend watch parties !!!

Events:

kats.100 → moodboard event for reaching 100 !!!

I tend to add commentary (it’s more like yelling into the void that is the Internet) in the tags so… read them! Sometimes I’m funny ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Rules:

My ask box is open for interactions and my submissions are open if you want to feed me! I’m genuinely a very nervous and anxious person so if/when I post my own writing, it will most likely be on impulse. 

I came back onto the platform because I needed more anime content because I can be a little insatiable at times. I have a really bad habit when it comes to social media and feeling as if I need the notes to validate myself, but this is truly just supposed to be fun for me!!!

That being said, PLEASE DON’T BE SHY OR HESITANT TO SEND ME THINGS. I’m more than willing to share thoughts with you and reply to asks/post your submissions! I may even be bold enough to give you drabbles/headcanons/imagines/oneshots.

Overall, just please be very patient with and understanding of me! 

Last, but important note, I will not tolerate any hate of any kind whether that be racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. I want this space to be safe both for myself and whoever is willing and able to join me. 

[excidium]

this post contains spoilers for the miraculous ladybug new york special/movie. trigger warning for abuse, so be warned of that if you keep reading.

okay so ive watched the new york special two and a half times by now, so ive finally had time to sit on and reflect what ive watched. the argument that happens between chat noir and ladybug is perfect, and is something that needed to happen for their relationship to become stronger. let me explain.

first of all, and lets get this out of the way -- ladybug had every right to be upset with chat. im not trying to devalue her feelings on the experience at all. he had made a promise to her that he would protect paris, alleviating the pressure she has on her as guardian to protect it. hes her trusted partner, and she was relying on him to keep his word. him failing to tell her that he was no longer in paris was a breach of their trust, and therefore damaged their partnership temporarily. she had every right to be upset with him, and yes. he should have (and did) apologize. it was an apology she deserved, and she was not out of line for being upset with him.

now here is where i get into why this is such a perfect arc for these two, and why this eventually was going to and needed to happen. really, it all comes down to chat’s civilian life as adrien. i think a lot of the time when discussing adrien and his flaws, the fact that he is literally abused, manipulated and consistently gaslit by his father is left out of the conversation. his abuse and lack of parental care is what causes most of his negative traits to bubble to the surface and become amplified, and thats the case here as well.

so why didnt chat just tell ladybug that there was a change of plans and that he wouldnt be able to keep his promise that he made? well, he said it himself. he was afraid of disappointing her. however, this isnt the normal “disappointment” that most people are afraid of. you need to keep in mind that adrien doesnt know how real/healthy relationships work, which is literally the main adrien conflict in this special as well. nino literally describes him as a “baby chick just emerging from his shell”, and he isnt wrong to make that comparison. hes still fairly new to the real world, and has up until now been stuck in a world entirely made up of his fathers control and creation.

now keep in mind that the only “close” relationship adrien really has is with gabriel (at this point). gabriel sets unreasonably high expectations for him, and punishes him harshly whenever he doesnt meet said expectations. for example in the episode “captain hardrock”, gabriel is disappointed with adrien’s piano playing progress, and so he prevents adrien from seeing his friends at band practice (after he had already said he could go) -- as punishment in direct consequence of his disappointment.

gabriel has also literally threatened adrien on multiple occasions by socially isolating him, as well as doing a bunch of other awful shit to him when he doesnt follow directions or live up to his expectations. that is what chat is afraid of/thinking of when he’s afraid of “disappointment”. he isnt thinking of a healthy form of it, but rather the distorted and cruel form that gabriel has shown/taught him. and so thats why hes so terrified of ladybug being disappointed in him, and is why it may seem irrational to some people.

it is irrational to think that ladybug would ever react as harshly to chat noir as gabriel does to adrien, but he doesnt know that. all hes ever known is unhealthy relationships and reactions, and so him jumping to the conclusion that she no longer wants to be partners with him after this mistake makes perfect sense.

adrien is not a bad person. impulsive? yes. bad and selfish? no. he knew he was wrong, and he knew that he deserved to be reprimanded for what he did. his reckless behavior (encouraged by plagg) nearly cost the life of an innocent hero, and he knows that. its why the entire time he was in new york, he was too busy monitoring the akuma app instead of enjoying himself. he feels bad about it. he knows ladybug has every right to be disappointed in him. he knows it was wrong, but he was so afraid to tell her the truth because of the unhealthy expectations he has in his head (set by gabriel).

he both feels guilty and also expects that ladybug will no longer want to be partners w/ him because of this mistake. so much so that he just preemptively gives up his miraculous to save her the trouble of asking for it. marinette is the guardian now, and therefore she has the power to revoke it if she ever feels he can no longer be her partner. ladybug is disappointed in him and says she no longer trusts him earlier in the special, and so he acts on what he thinks will be the consequence. this is something akin to what gabriel would do, and is why he just accepts it as is and runs away without giving it a second thought. this is his reality living with gabriel. this is the type of punishment/reaction hes used to when people are disappointed in him.

and thats why hes so surprised to hear that ladybug still wants him as a partner, because he genuinely believes that his mistake was unforgivable and justifiable in him losing his miraculous. this is how relationships have always been for him, and so why would his relationship with ladybug (when he disappoints her) be any different?

this needed to happen, because ladybug showed him that whats normal for him isnt healthy. that in healthy relationships and dynamics, disappointment doesnt automatically lead to the harshest punishment. theres room to grow, theres room for apologies. she doesnt know chats identity, and so she couldnt possibly have known that he would react the way he did to her saying she was disappointed in him (and that her trust in him was temporarily damaged). she has a healthy relationship with her parents, and so this was highly surprising and abnormal to her (as it was to a lot of people watching). when she said she was disappointed in him, she obviously didnt mean it as “i dont want to be partners with you anymore”. she meant it as “im disappointed and hurt by what you did, learn from this and be better. dont do it again”.

in order for them to become closer partners, chat needs to learn what healthy relationships are like. and ladybug needs to learn how to articulate her feelings better. before this, she didnt really tell chat how much he meant to her. that could been seen in the first scene of the special with the rose and how she was dismissive of his declaration of friendship (and how much he values it). when theyre reunited, she makes sure to tell him how much he means to her -- because she realizes that she hasnt really done that.

in that way, marinette and adrien’s arcs arent that dissimilar to chat noir and ladybug’s. adrien needs to learn to get out of his shell and experience relationships that are healthy, and marinette needs to learn how to be clearer about her feelings. adrien’s social inadequacy caused him to make a huge mistake and renounce being chat noir. marinette’s inability to express to chat how much he means to her (as well as to adrien), leads to chat feeling as though the only way to own up to his mistakes is to give up being her partner.

overall, it’s kind of really amazing that both of the character arcs for both their halves tied into each other. i dont know if im making much sense, but the conflict between the both of them was just really good and is the type of ladybug and chat noir dynamic i was hoping for. hopefully from here on out they continue to develop together as people. a lot of chat’s impulsive behavior comes from fear of consequence (as well as freedom from consequence), and so this argument kind of made him (uncomfortably) face the facts. now he has a lot to think about and reevaluate, since ladybug basically proved everything he thought he knew about the way people should react is wrong.

anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk, i hope this made sense.

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Ruin

Summary: An attempt to get Roman and Remus to get along fails and leaves Remus reeling. Indulging in a bad habit to try and keep the thoughts away from Thomas leads to Logan finding out, though instead of the ridicule he's expecting, he receives kindness instead.

Warnings: self harm, slight unsympathetic Roman, slight disassociation, hurt with happy ending

Please do not read with the intention if triggering yourself. If you are triggered by self harm I and other authors have others stories for you to read. Stay safe.

Ships: platonic intrulogical, Logan x Remus

WC: 2, 140

"You're just useless! Nothing you do has any purpose other than to torment and I'm so sick of it!"

Remus recoiled from his brothers harsh words, cookies spilled on the floor from where he had swept them away. He had been rather pleased with how vague the penis shape actually was, chocolate chips painstakedly placed so you'd only notice if you looked closely. Roman had looked closely.

Sometimes Remus genuinely couldn't help doing things impulsively; the idea had come to his mind and he had done it without a thought to any possible repercussions and now Roman was mad and it had actually been going well for once but now he had ruined it just like he always did and what if he just stabbed him to get rid of the problem?

The thought came abruptly and without prompt, making him blink back to reality as Roman continued to rant before noticing he hadn't been paying attention.

"But of course you don't care. You aren't even paying attention to a word I'm saying. You ruin everything and I don't understand why I even try!" Ever the dramatic, Roman sunk out with a final huff and throw of his arms, leaving Remus stuck standing trembling in the middle of a mess. No one else was around, leaving the twins alone for "bonding time". Wasn't that a laugh and a half.

'I wonder if the cookies could act like marbles in those old cartoons and I'd slip and fall and crack my head open and-' Drawing a shaky breath his busied himself with cleaning to try and dispell the unwanted thoughts. It was in his nature to be impulsive, brash. He was loud and insistant, truly the living embodiment of Intrusive Thoughts that plagued Thomas' mind when it got to be too much to hold in.

'What if you smashed your hand in the oven?' He turned the oven off and went to grab a broom. 'How hard would you have to fall for a broom to stab through your intestines? How fast would you have to run to stab someone else's?'

Kitchen relatively clean he spun around once more to make sure. 'Just grab a knife. You don't have to use it, just feel it.'

If he sunk out while holding the fridge could he smash Roman with it?

Roman's dark blood staining the carpet an even deeper red.

Remus standing by as the other screamed.

How easy would those screams be to shut up.

How easily would he be to shut up.

Could fascets die? Was it worth trying to find out?

Subconsciously he realized he was walking down the hall to his room, eyed glazed over as the thoughts continued making him feel spacey and fake. He shut the door behind him and stood for what felt like hours, head going everywhere and no where at once until one thought forced him to snap out of it slightly.

'You're going to hurt Thomas. You're going to make him want to hurt others.'

He embodied intrusive thoughts and bad creativity but most of the time those thoughts were just remembering unpleasant sensations or thinking of a crude or out of context joke that would be inappropriate to say out loud. It was random, harmless thought spirals that most of the time you could shake your way out of and Remus simply did whatever random thing there was to do around the mind scape to get rid of excess energy. When he was upset however, the thought spirals grew darker, more suggestive, supplying ghastly images that he wouldn't mind seeing if it was sat in front of a horror movie but as it was...

Persistent thoughts continued to pound through his head, flicking between hurt to angry to apathetic and back before he could breathe. He wanted to hurt something, someone, and he could practically feel the toxic mindset leaching into Thomas' thought process even as he struggled to contain it. He ripped through his desk drawers desperately, everything neat despite his chaotic nature though the desperation rose as hiding spot after hiding spot came up empty. Chewed nails scraped at the underside of the bed frame then groped in the darkest corners of his room. His eyes landed on a small picture frame, a drawing he had done that Janus had framed long ago before any of this had been a problem and quickly went to rip it off the wall.

Taped to the back a small blade glinted passively in the dull light, making his breath hitch in relief as he grabbed it out of its confines. His sleeve went up without a thought until he forced all of concentration on the task at hand.

The first few, well several, cuts were nothing. His skin tingled numbly as straight lines were drawn across it, taking a second or two to well up with blood but by then he had already moved on. Just a small patch, right below his elbow on his outer arm. Thicker skin made for more lines. It wasn't until they began to overlap that he truly felt it, minutes later, stinging and angry and flowing and...

Quiet.

His mind was silent for once. Blissful peace after the turmoil of not ten minutes before hand. The razor fell to the floor as he bit his lip tiredly and stared at the slow growing puddle on the floor. The blood flow slowed, just barely pulsing out with his heartbeat. Looking around reality set itself in place and the slight whooshing in his ears abated just enough for him to hear persistent knocking at the door.

Wait.

Scrambling in a half panic Remus yanked his sleeve back down, letting out a hiss before shoving a blanket to the floor and stumbling over to the door, nearly getting a fist to his face when he got it open.

Logan's startled face quickly knitted into concern as he glanced Remus over, pursing his lips in thought.

"What is it Nerdy Wolverine." His tone was flat but he couldn't bring himself to care.

"I overheard your argument, I thought it would be alright to assume you may need some level of...comfort."

Remus laughed tiredly. "Did Ro not open his door?"

Logan had the decency to look confused. "I don't know, I didn't check."

"You didn't....check on Roman? You came for me first?" It had to be a trick, some idiotic set up Patton had created. Check on the evil twin first to make sure he isnt wrecking havoc then check the better one to be sure he's okay. "Get out."

He slammed the door unceremoniously in the logical sides face, leaning against it heavily.

"Remus." His voice came through muffled. "I assure you I mean well. Roman can be...a lot. I simply wish to make sure everything is alright."

Remus didn't answer.

"Remus I will be frank," and Remus could barely make out the added 'though my name is Logan' mumbled as an afterthought. "I smelled the blood. Either you tell me why or I will come in and figure it out myself."

Swallowing Remus called out weakly. "It was an experiment Google Dex, it's fine."

"The fact that there was not one disturbing punchline in that sentence says otherwise."

"You can't come in."

"I could."

"I might hurt you."

"You won't."

"I'm dangerous."

"You're not."

"You don't know that."

"I do."

"I ruin everything."

"You aren't ruining anything."

"You've said that before. To Virgil"

"Yes. But saying it before to a different person doesn't make the statement any less true."

Remus gripped at his still bleeding arm, knocking his head against the door softly before rocking himself to his feet and stepping back. "Fine."

The door opened and Logan immediately swept the room before settling on first the tipped drawers, then the blanket still heaped on the floor and finally settling on Remus himself. He zeroed in on the arm he was still holding, prompting the darker side to drop it immediately even though it was too late. Silently Logan held out his hand and looked imploringly at Remus, starting him to comply.

"I know. And it's alright Remus it truly is. I just want to help."

Confused but intrigued Rrmus let his hands be taken and tugged to the bed, giving a half hearted eye brow wiggled that earned a small smirk from Logan before he snapped up a first aid kit. He carefully rolled up the sleeve, not even flinching as the mess was revealed to him. Five babywipes and a roll of gauze later his arm was bandaged neatly, causing him to look questioningly at the other.

"How are you so calm about this? You don't"

"No. But I know basic first aid." Logan sat back and looked up at him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Remus looked up and away, tugging his sleeve back down and wincing at the dull ache the action caused. "I made Roman mad because I was being stupid-"

"Falsehood. Try again."

Snapping his head back he opened and shut his mouth before blurting out another excuse. "Roman yelled because I was being impulsive-"

"Nope. Again."

"I was-"

"Remus." Logans tone effectively shutting him up he couldn't help but squirm in confusion. "You didn't do anything. Maybe you could have discussed the....creative take you were going with with your design, but you had split the batch had you not? Roman should have stayed out of what you were doing with yours."

"You were watching?"

"I wanted to make sure no one got hurt. You two tend to become physical and I was there to expel any conflict should it turn violent. I was not however, prepared for a one sided screaming match. Roman has been stressed and while that isn't an excuse it isn't a new occurrence. Why was this-" Logan gestured to his arm. "Done as a stress response? You've argued before haven't you?"

Remus twisted his fingers together. "My head gets loud. And bad. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll make Thomas hurt something, so I hurt instead to calm it for a while."

Logan nodded. "That's perfectly understandable."

"It is?"

"Unhealthy. But yes, understandable. I will ask that you try finding a less destructive way to calm these thoughts. You may think this is helping Thomas but I assure you he'd much rather work with you in a healthy way than you destroying yourself in the background."

Slowly, Remus blinked down at him. "What?"

"I said-"

"I know what you said I just...why do you care?"

Logan stood. "Why wouldn't I? You are an integral part of who we are and as unconventional as you may be at times, you are still apart of the family. I care a great deal."

He said this flippantly, as if it was obvious, completely oblivious to the way it took Remus' breath and heart and soul and made him want to projectile vomit it onto the floor in front of the other man's feet.

"You really care?" Remus blurts out quietly.

"Of course." Logams reply is simple, logical. Clipped but with an undertone that was unmistakably kind even with the impassivity he was attempting to pull off. He sucked in a breath as a hand was extended to him, looking up with a raised eyebrow.

"I thought you might like company, and it might be a good idea to not be in this room right now. Staying in a place of hurt often makes you want to continue the hurt and I'd rather it cease for today."

Hesitantly Remus took the offered hand and followed Logan out the door and into another room lined with books and posters and odd sciencey bits and baubles. He immediately gravitated towards the bookshelf after getting a nod of consent from the owner, plopping down and curling to the side to read the spines. Feeling a nudge he turned and was met with a plate with a few of his cookie creations placed neatly on it.

"Some weren't knocked down and were salvageable. The chip placement makes for a very symmetrical taste experience that I quite enjoy." Remus looked on in amazement as Logan prattled on, taking a cookie for himself and watching Logan take two before sitting down at his desk to eat and work. Grinning to himself he stuffed the rest of the treats in his mouth and bent at a different angle to read book titles again, sharing the silence with the other side contentedly.

He still felt bad and useless and a million other things at once that crawled beneath his skin and raged against his nerves. He looked over at Logan happily munching away at the crude cookie making him smile wider.

He still felt shitty but maybe there were things he didnt ruin after all.

This work and others is available on AO3!

Please do not tag duke don't look.

[astroyongie]

Hii! Since we both like angst: can you please write how dreamies would be like when they get angry based on astrology too?

Note: hey everyone! I would like to start this post by saying that I hope that everyone is staying healthy and taking care of themselves. We all are going through pretty hardships atm, and I want to make sure to let everyone know that my dm’s are open if you need to talk 💜 Psychologie is my major and I’ve always my tarot to give me insight so if any of you if feeling down or needing someone to talk to I’ll be here 💜💜

Note2: Hyuck is already included on the 127 post !

Warnings: angst , sensitive subjects as coping mechanisms and destructive behaviours

Dreamies when angry

Renjun

This boy gotta a very strong personality and it can get easy to annoy him on daily basis

However it takes a really serious matter to make him angry

Like he sponges a lot of emotions and he keeps them in until it explodes

And when he it does, he gets very blunt about it

He will feel neglected and misunderstood, as if no one understands him and his emotions

Will be impulsive mostly with his words and that will take him to a very self destruive path

Either would it be by overworking himself, not eating or sleeping enough , or simply not talking care of himself

That because he would be too focus on his anger

Renjun is both Aries and Scorpio in moon so feelings are intense and way too hard to control

He would spend a lot of time thinking about the action, words or situation that made him upset

Like he plays it over and over again on his head, and makes up scenarios about what he should have done or said

He would need some days until this feelings pass by before he can get himself back into his own feet

Once he is calmer, he would be open to dialogue, and he would actually be considerate and understand things

However don’t even think he would blame himself because he wouldn’t

But definitely accepts apologises if they are genuine

Jeno

Oh this boy

When he is angry , it’s scary because he would be so so so quiet about it.

Like expect death glares and cold shoulders from him

Because of his tolerance it would need to be something very serious to make Jeno angry

Even if he is quiet his body langage would give him away

His bottom lip would switch , his feet his tapping the ground rapidly , his all aura had gotten neutral and closed to everyone

He wouldn’t accept physical contact. Doing that would set him on fire, like it could trigger him to do something stupid

Would be stubborn and stand his grounds. Wants the thing that made him angry to change

Just like Renjun he would have self destructive behaviours, however his would be psychic

Like he would just be thinking about it constantly and beat himself up with negative comments and thoughts

Wouldn’t get physical but he would damage himself with his negative feelings since he wouldn’t be able to express them out

I advice waiting a few hours before talking him down to it and solving the trouble

He would be more open than on the moment the situation happens.

If it’s really something big , he might cry in anger or you might just notice how his voice break

Jaemin

Honestly I wouldn’t want to anger Jaemin because his boy is scary

Just like Jeno he would start by observing the scene or listen carefully the words that are being said and that are problematic for him

Bite his lip out of annoyance

And the moment someone asks what’s up with him, it’s on

Jaemin would straight out express himself completely , and let his anger go with words

Wouldn’t measure his words and he might end up being hurtful but that doesn’t matter to him at the moment

Because you or someone hurt him, and his pride is more important than your feelings right now

Even if he is calm and collect and has a perfect manage of his emotions, the moment the subject is sensitive he loses it and that’s how he gets angry

He would want to solve the problem right away as well, mostly because he doesn’t like holding grudges and he just want things to be pacific

But still, he would be very honest with what he is feeling

Would be tempted to manipulate the situation to his profit if he sees that things are getting out of hand

Jaemin just looks very intense when he is angry, and it’s probably just the aura around him and his bluntness that would make you scared of him

But once he solves things, his mood would get back to a healthy place and words would be exchanged without further damage

Chenle

This boy his problematic on the sense that he will turn anger into hurt

Because of his strong opinions and ego Chenle can be easily angry due  to a certain situation or words

And when he is he will be silent at first, wanting to see if the person notices what they have done

If they don’t he would be blunt and tell them straight away and that’s when the arguments would come up

Because this boy can be agressive with words when they are mixed with negative feelings

Despite his good heart, his mood swing would hit him fast and hard

You might not even recognise that little sunshine bun because Chenle can be very scary when he is nothing but anger

Definitely screams and used body langage as a way to communicate his frustration

Would make cunning remarks and do contradictory comments to however upseted him

He would want an apologie on the spot and you can bet he will get it

Unless you want to cut ties with him

People will definitely call him out for being mad out of his head or for being too dramatic

And that would only upset him more

Overall when Chenle is angry about something, they need to fix it right on or that anger would turn into hurt and hurt!chenle would be worst

Jisung

Jisung is actually a very susceptible person

Like he might take things very personal and because he does care, it mighty hurt him more than intentionally thought

Like it would really depend on his mood, if he is feeling anxious or sad , he would definitely get angrier quickier

And when he is angry , he would feel it very intensely

100% of his feelings are rage when angry

Would have such a hard time to let it go

Probably blurts out nonesenses like “why have you done this to me” or “why are you like this? What I’ve done?”

He wouldn’t victimise himself but he wouldn’t understand his feelings either so that’s why his speech would be confused and frustrated

Like poor baby just doesn’t know how to act and he just wants comfort

Would think a lot of why he is angry , and that either makes him more angrier or makes him rationalise the action

Would get self conscious and probably ends up apologising for flipping

However he would also expect some apologises coming from the person that hurt him

Communication would be very important when Jisung is angry because he needs someone who pulls him out of his fantasies when his emotions take over his brain

Wouldn’t be agressive physically or mentally, just sad during that moment .

[ally-127]

locker room

genre: badboy!AU smut

pairing: OG character badass! lisa (this isn’t lisa from blackpink but you can imagine it’s her in the story if you’d like) x badboy!jaemin

summary: lisa left class to get some fresh air and away from his suffocating stare that he was giving her while she was doing her presentation. who knew that he would actually follow her right out. he was na jaemin, after all. one thing led to another and... you all know the whole shebang.

warning: smut and quite a bit of swearing oops (read at your own risk)

word count: 2.9k +

song: FOCUS ON ME - jus2 (got7 subunit)

i wrote this without any capitalisation so beware

“lisa, why are you so nervous?” a deep voice questions from right in front of her.

she looks down from the projector screen and at her hands. her eyes slowly lift up and she sees him crack the biggest smile. she isn’t nervous. she’s just irritated.

“you’re so cute.”

the entire class erupts into laughter. aimed at him or her, she didn’t know. impulsively, she runs out of class and into the hallway. before she knows it, he appears right behind her, sneakers screeching against the tiled floors from his abrupt halt as he saw her.

“what are you doing?”

she’s at a loss for words. the biggest fuckboy, and someone who lisa wants to think meant nothing to her, has followed her right out the classroom. his lips are parted expectantly, his dark pink hair swaying across his eyes. she shakes her head. she’s living in a whole fucking cliché.

“lisa,” he murmurs.

“you’re fucking embarrassing me in front of the whole class,” lisa spits at him, the tips of her ears red from both humiliation and anger.

jaemin crooks an eyebrow and takes a few steps toward her.

“you’re mad?” he probes.

“what does it look like?” she crosses her arms, glaring at the boy who seemed so unbothered it annoyed her.

“it looks like you want me,” he leans on the locker and hooks his finger under her chin. the badboy persona really shines when he’s around her. being around her gives him a boost of confidence, of his ego. “do you?”

he angles her chin up so she’s looking straight into those warm brown, mischievous irises of his.

she scoffs and jerks her chin away from his hand. “not everything’s about you, na jaemin.”

“you didn’t say that when you were in my bed last friday night,” he murmurs.

“i—what?” lisa frowns.

“oh, come on,” he doesn’t need tilt her head for her to stare at him. it’s so simple. he’s gorgeous and he himself knows that.

footsteps resonates from somewhere far away. by the sound of it, it’s someone wearing high heels. their teacher.

“jaemin? lisa?” her voice rings through the hallway.

“oh fuck,” jaemin rakes a hand through his dark pink hair.

lisa’s eyes widens.

instinctively, he reaches forward to grab lisa’s wrist. she hates it when he touches her in public, but this time she lets it slide.

he looks around, panicked. he squints at a white metal door, labelled GIRLS LOCKER ROOM. and then he turns his head to look at her. she shakes her head, as if saying “that’s a terrible idea”.

his eyebrows furrowed as he grits his teeth, brown eyes fuming with desperation to get out of being caught.

“if we don’t go right now, we’re toast.” he forces out. “please.”

in his brown eyes, lisa saw something she’s never seen before.

“i’m already on probation.”

silence from her.

“i’ll be expelled.” he finally says.

lisa hasn’t found the words to say but regardless she runs, pulling him with her. he lets out a noise similar to yelp as she drags him to the locker room, the shuffling of their sneakers against the ground echoing in the hallway.  the door of the locker room falls shut, lisa hurrying to it to turn the lock on the door knob.

“damn it, she heard us,” he murmurs.

“yeah you should have thought about that before following me out of class, huh. ” lisa crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow.

“can’t help it,” his serious expression completely changes when his lips quirk up into a cheeky smile. “this skirt you’re wearing— ” he extends his index finger, clad in a silver ring lisa always sees him wearing. the tip of his finger brushes against the skin on the inside of her wrist. “—is driving me insane.”

“you disgust me,” lisa spits and turns away. she’s suddenly self-conscious about the pencil skirt she’s wearing. it isn’t even short, rising about two inches above her knees. she doesn’t want to be dress coded.

“me?” jaemin clutches his hand to his chest. his pretty lips forms a pout, face mocking her. “ouch.”

“jaemin, i swear to god.” she glares at him. “i will—“

“you’ll what?” he inches closer.

“i’ll...” once again, she can’t seem to find the right words to say.

“what about this,” he’s probably plotting something in that complicated mind of his.

lisa leans on the locker, waiting for him to draw out something strange as a proposition to pass time.

“we utilise the time we have right now,” his eyes drift up to see the clock hung up on the wall above the lockers. “we’ve got an hour to spare.”

“jaemin,” she sighs. “why?”

“why what?” jaemin’s front teeth sinks into his bottom lip.

“why would you risk expulsion just to follow me out?”

“because lisa, it’s you.” he says plainly.

“bullshit,” lisa spits. “you tell this to every girl you fuck, don’t you?”

“i don’t fuck anyone but you.” genuine hurt flashed in his eyes. in those eyes lisa saw a fracture in the mask of him––being someone who hits and runs, of someone who is afraid of commitment––that he’s been wearing this whole time. a fracture where maybe there is hope for him.

but no, she refuses to believe that.

“then who was that girl you—“

“right, because you believe all those girls you constantly surround yourself with.” without even saying anything else, jaemin already knew where lisa got her information from.

lisa is silent.

“they’re toxic,” jaemin says. his face is like an open book. it has disgust written all over it.

“what do you know about toxic?” lisa counters. “look at the guys you hang out with.”

“fair enough,” he breathes, jaw unclenching and eyes softening.

for the first time ever, she saw something like hurt flash in those brown eyes of his. seeing jaemin actually affected by what she said sparks up something in lisa. now, he doesn’t dare meet her eyes and that’s never happened before. ever.

she opens her mouth to say something, but can’t when jaemin covers her lips with his own, arms snaking around her waist to pull her closer.

he murmurs her name and pushes her against the locker. hands braced on the cold metal surface, he pulls away from her painfully. adrenaline courses through their bodies as their breathing becomes more laboured. jaemin cracks a smile, chest heaving up and down.

“we’re doing this, aren’t we?”

“shut up and kiss me,” lisa tugs him back to her with fingers bunched around his t-shirt.

jaemin laughs against her lips. lisa feels his teeth scrape her bottom lip from his smile, forcing her mouth open. and then his tongue slips in. sneaky bastard.

he grunts when she lifts his shirt over his head, tossing it to the side and out of the way. jaemin removes his mouth from her only to attach it to her neck. his arms bring her even closer until he was flush against her body. her hands wander across his abdomen, her fingertips feeling the defined crevices of his abs.

he sucks on the delicate skin of her neck, triggering a moan from the girl pinned against the locker. she closes her eyes while he works his way down. his fingers push the collar of her t-shirt to the side for access to her pale skin.

“we’re short on time,” jaemin kneels down on the ground, in front of where she wants him the most.

“you think i don’t know that?” lisa leans her head against the metal door of the locker, hands in his hair.

he traces the waistband of her skirt, eyes flicking up at her intently. on his lips is a smirk, knowing how much she wants him regardless of the way she acted towards him. he’s teasing her and she might light on fire if he doesn’t do anything.

he slides his hands around her hips to search for the zipper. he finds it, sliding it down. lisa feels the garment loosen around her.

“may i?” jaemin is the only thing keeping her skirt in place. he stands back up, hands still clutching the skirt. he’s waiting for her approval, her consent.

“yes,” lisa places her hands on his shoulders when he lets her skirt fall to the floor.

“jump, baby.” he whispers in her ear.

she does exactly as he says, her legs enveloping around his waist. her arms flies around his shoulders, her lips trailing up his neck to the back of his ear, where she whispers,

“you better hurry or we’ll get caught.”

as if the thought of getting caught turns jaemin on, he groans and lisa feels his hard-on pressing against her clothed core. his hands slide up her legs and to the waistband of her underwear.

despite all the heat that simmers between them, his eyes are worried as he asks, “are you sure?”

“jaemin,” she breathes in his ear, giving a taste of what he won’t hear if he kept this up. “yes, i am.”

“a hundred percent?” he just has the audacity to ask so many questions while he stands right between her legs, doesn’t he?

“fuck me already, jaemin.” lisa sinks her teeth into his neck and just like that, he throws his head back as a moan escapes his lips.

his look of euphoria distorts into a seductive smirk, wrapping an arm around her waist. his other hand reaches between their two bodies to the waistband of her underwear, curling his fingers in and dragging it down to her ankles, where he expertly completely rids her of that last clothing that is in the way.

“it’ll be my pleasure,” he says lowly, almost like a growl.

his fingers stretch forward to give lisa her the first stroke on her bundle of nerves.

she arches against the locker. jaemin slides his arm that was around her body out only to cover her mouth with his large hand, preventing the sounds of her moans to echo across the locker room out and into the open. there’s nothing left to support her except jaemin’s toned torso and the hard locker.

“you have to be quiet for me, okay?” jaemin. “or we’ll get into fucking trouble.”

lisa nods against his hand around her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut as he inserts two fingers into her. under his hand she bites her lip. hard.

“fuck,” jaemin pants.

he pumps his digits in and out of her and watch lisa completely lose it under him. suddenly, his black jeans are too tight around his crotch. his thumb rubs circles around her folds to penetrate her even further than he already has. his bottom lip catches under his teeth while he increases his speed, already feeling her walls tighten around his fingers.

he knows she’d come undone when he whispers, “come for me, baby.”

she screams into his palm as the first release shatters through her. complete and utter pleasure runs through her bloodstream like a drug.

jaemin removes his hand from her mouth and brings his arm down once again to wrap around lisa’s figure. he peers at her face, beautiful and flustered. he feels her chest rising and falling heavily against his own and he couldn’t take how much his arousal piled up in his pants anymore.

“lisa,” he whispers as he retracts his fingers from her.

“what, jaemin?” lisa rests her head in the crook of his neck while she recovers from her high.

“i want to—“

“just do it,” she already knows what he was going to say. “fuck me.”

a silver package appears in his hands after sliding it into the back pocket of his jeans. to save him some work, lisa reaches forward between them to unbuckle his belt and unbutton his jeans. she huffs a laugh after seeing the tent that forms in his jeans.

jaemin glares at her dangerously without a word being said. just from that look, lisa feels herself drip between her legs.

“no regrets?” he hums in her ear, his voice a sweet melody she’ll never get used to hearing.

“no regrets.”

below her line of vision, lisa hears the unrolling of latex. jaemin slides the condom over his length with one hand, the other running up and down lisa’s bare legs. he just wants to please her. he just wants to make her feel so good she forgets her own name.

“lisa,” he groans as he runs his length along her folds.

“jaemin,” lisa echoes. her hands somehow found their way back into his hair.

he reaches down to align himself up with her. “i love you.”

he didn’t give her time to respond when he pushes his length into her. jaemin presses his lips onto hers as if he could swallow the whimpers that escape from them.

he keeps his grip on her firm as he starts off excruciatingly slow, in order for her to adjust to his size. sliding out of her slowly, he thrusts himself roughly back into her. the impact made her cry out, her eyelids screwing shut.

“jaemin,” it may be blood she tastes in her mouth from biting her lip too hard.

she has her head buried in his shoulder while he rolls his hips into hers, length fucking her with deep, solid strokes.

“you feel so good,” he purrs in lisa’s ears, sending shivers down her spine.

his hips, flush against hers, made him sink into her to the hilt she started seeing stars. he maintains eye contact with her while he develops a rhythm. a rhythm that he’s never used on her before. a rhythm more harsh, more punishing.

his mouth remains close to her ear, whispering profanities with every plunge he makes. his fingernails dig into the skin of her hips, marking her and bruising her skin. her fingers pull on his hair, multiplying the wave of pleasure that seems to strike jaemin all at once. the tightness around his cock, the tug in his hair...

it took all his might not to come right there and then.

speaking of which, he’s about to drive lisa over the edge once again. and he can FEEL it. he feels her thighs trembling and the sinful sounds that slip out her mouth gradually getting louder.

lisa, too, is trying her best to last. but with jaemin, it’s almost impossible. she feels pressure build up in her abdomen, her walls closing in on him. she trembles under his erratic movements, tugging harder on his hair and teeth sinking into the skin of his neck.

“c’mon, baby. you can do it.” those are simple words that slip out carelessly out of jaemin’s lips. those are words that lisa knows will bring her to her climax. “come for me.”

“fuck, jaemin,” release barrels down her spine, her cry muted by his mouth over hers. the second climax that struck her is the biggest one yet, where she trembled in his arms from pleasure. seeing release unravel her causes jaemin’s own release to  hit.

he drags out a low groan as he presses his head on the locker, beside lisa’s head when he released into condom.

“fuck, lisa,” his pants are hard.

she tilts her head back while they ride out their high. her walls pulsate around his cock and jaemin almost comes again just by the feel of it. he places his lips on her neck, his tongue swiping by her collarbone. he sucks on the skin by her collarbone, knowing very well it would mark her. she moans for the last time after feeling jaemin’s teeth settle in the hollow of her neck.

he pulls out of her, ridding himself of the condom by tossing it in the bin placed conveniently at the corner. he lets her down, careful to hold her up with both his arms.

“can you walk?” jaemin’s tone is teasing while a smirk hangs on his face.

“fuck you,” lisa glares at him.

“already did,” he shrugs.

lisa groans and places a hand on her forehead. they promised each other. no regrets.

“okay,” he bends down to hook his arm behind her knees and across her shoulders.

she shrieks when he lifts her up in his arms. “jaemin— i need to put my clothes back on.”

“let’s streak in the hallway, shall we?” he nuzzles his nose in the crook of her neck.

“so much for caring about being expelled,” lisa rolls her eyes but regardless links her arms around his neck. “please let me down.”

“but i love you,” he whispers into her ear.

she goes very still.

it’s been years since she’s heard those words from him. last time he said it, it was a dare from a foolish friend and just now, before he lost himself inside of her.

“jae—“

“i really do, lisa.”  he lets her down, back onto her feet. “i was hoping maybe we could try.”

lisa slips her clothing back on, reaching to the back and zipping her skirt up while her eyes remains constantly on his.

“i...” she takes one step closer to him. “we can try.”

“we can?” his eyebrows perk up. lisa laughs at his adorable expression.

“only because i love you too,” she cups his chiseled jaw in her hands gently. “but you better not tell anyone.”

he smiles brighter than the sun that leaks through the window, leaning forward and nudging his nose against hers, making her laugh again.

a/n i know this isn’t your usual ‘y/n’ story but i really hoped you enjoyed my first ever smut published on tumblr!! i tried to make it as something that can proceed without a plot but i can’t seem to write anything without a little backstory. 

anyway, i find myself enjoying writing these one-shots so prepare for many more to come since i have nothing to do with my life

lots and lots of love,

ally

[ladyfogg]

May I? - 2/?

May I? - 2/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she's truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

Faith came to with a splitting headache. When she opened her eyes, bright lights forced them closed again. She groaned in pain, her stomach rolling unpleasantly.

"Faith? Can you hear me?"

It took her a moment to register who was talking. "Dr. Crusher?"

"Yes. You're in sickbay. You hit your head and have a concussion. How are you feeling?"

"Like my head is going to split open and I'm going to throw up all over myself."

She felt something press into her neck and suddenly her body relaxed like she was floating on a cloud. The pain ebbed and the nausea ceased. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes. Beverly's blurry face came into focus.

"Welcome back," the doctor said with a smile. 

"How long have I been out?"

"Only a few minutes."

Faith looked around, trying to make sense of her muddled memories. It took a moment for them to sort themselves out. She looked at her hands, expecting blood but finding them clean.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Beverly asked, scanning her with the tricorder.

She focused on the jumble of images. "I-I was doing maintenance in the Jefferies tubes. Commander Data found me and when I was showing him what I found…" She touched her forehead only to find smooth skin.

"That's good. That's exactly what Data told me." Beverly placed a hand on Faith's shoulder when she tried to sit up. "Faith, don't strain yourself. Just try to relax."

Faith had never been a fan of hospitals. Her mother had spent many years in one and the sterile air always triggered Faith's anxiety. Just laying there was enough to activate her flight response. 

"When can I go?"

Beverly chuckled. "Eager to get back to work, I see."

"Eager to be out of here."

Beverly's smile faded. "Faith, I have some personal questions I need you to answer for me. Just to make sure there's no permanent damage. Think you're up to it?"

"So long as it gets me out of here quicker."

"Full name?"

"Faith Rosaline Diaz."

"Rank and assignment?"

"Engineering, Ensign."

"Age?"

"Thirty...no, thirty-one. My birthday was last week."

Beverly smiled. "Well happy belated birthday." She studied the young woman for a moment. "How are you doing?"

Faith's guard was instantly up. She knew that tone, that question. Had heard it a million times before. Which was the reason she hadn't wanted Commander Data to bring her to sickbay.

"A little tired but that's all."

"That's all?" Beverly repeated. "Nothing else."

"No."

Beverly chewed her lip as she crossed her arms. They were both silent, tension building until the doctor spoke again. "Faith, you can talk to me. You know anything you tell me will be kept between us."

"Honestly, Dr. Crusher, I'm fine."

"Your scans showed a significant decrease in the reduction of certain neurotransmitters, primarily serotonin—"

"Doctor," Faith's voice was forceful with a hint of pleading. "Please...don't. I'm okay."

Beverly sighed heavily, not believing her patient for a moment. Although they were alone, she took a step closer and lowered her voice. "Faith, the reduction is dangerously low. You need some kind of treatment."

Faith forced herself to sit up, even though it made the world spin dangerously. "Thanks for the advice, doc. But I just want to go back to my quarters."

"If you won't talk to me, at least talk to Counselor Troi."

"No thank you. I think I just need rest."

"On that we can both agree," Beverly said. "No active duty for a week. I want you to take it easy and limit screen time for the next few days. I'll check in with you tomorrow to see how you're doing."

Relieved, Faith climbed off the table, trying to pretend her world didn't sway in the process. "Great. Thank you for your help, Dr. Crusher."

Beverly didn't dismiss her right away. Instead, she stared for a few seconds, wondering if there was anything else she could do or say to change Faith's mind. But she had a feeling it wouldn't help. Not right then at least.

"You're welcome. Call me if the symptoms get worse. Not just the concussion symptoms."

Faith nodded in understanding and hurried out of the room as fast as she could. She tried to keep her pace casual even though she wanted nothing more than to run. By the time she reached her quarters, her breathing was erratic, despite the medication she was given. 

It wasn't until she was safely behind closed doors that she let go. With a sob she sank onto the floor, tears pouring down her face. It was hard enough keeping it together during her normal day to day activities. She had done everything she could to avoid going to the sickbay. And one accident undid all her hard work.

She knew she was lucky. There were beings who would give all their appendages just to serve on the Enterprise. And yet, she couldn't stop the near-crippling depression and severe anxiety. It was harder and harder to keep up pretenses and she knew her work had started to suffer. 

She hadn't entirely been truthful when Data found her. She wasn't just in the tube doing a sweep. Sometimes, when the feelings became so overwhelming she couldn't hold on, she would slip into the tubes to collect herself. When she found the loose console, it was a stroke of luck. She thought fixing it was her chance to show Geordi she really was grateful and useful. 

Now she had to take a week off to recover from a stupid accident she caused herself.

Faith impatiently wiped her tears away. All she wanted to do was sleep. She forced herself to her feet, tugging at her uniform until she managed to get out of it. Her communicator was taken off with more care, gently placed on the nightstand by her bed.

She crawled under the covers, bundling herself up. The tears tried to fall again but she wouldn't let them this time. Sleep tugged at her, which she suspected was due to Dr. Crusher's injection. She welcomed it, allowing herself to drift away.

No dreams came. They had left her long ago so when she slept all she saw was darkness. If she slept at all. Most of the time she coasted through unconsciousness for short periods of time.

Faith didn't stir until hours later. When she checked the time, she was dismayed to see it was the early morning hours. Even with medication and an injury her body wouldn't let her sleep through the night. 

She eased herself out of bed, keeping the lights low to avoid aggravating her pounding head. After using the bathroom and splashing cold water on her face, she shuffled back into the bedroom. 

The doctor had told her to rest but she had no idea what that entailed. She was always working, it left little room for recreation. And when she did have downtime, she usually just tried to catch up on sleep. 

Which was why she was surprised to find herself restless. Her stomach churned unpleasantly but she didn't know if it was because of the concussion or because she was hungry. She shuffled over to the replicator.

"Dry toast and water, room temperature."

The food materialized and she carried them to her desk. As she munched on the toast, she loaded her terminal to check her messages. There was one from Dr. Crusher, listing suggestions for helping with her injury.

There was also one from Geordi. It took her some time to work up the courage to open it, but when she did she was surprised to find a very genuine message wishing her well and thanking her for fixing the console.

But I didn't fix it. Commander Data did.

Faith logged out of the terminal, wondering why the commander would say she did the work. The toast did nothing to help her stomach so she pushed it away. She climbed back into bed, but she couldn't fall asleep.

"Computer?" she asked after an hour of tossing and turning. "Where is Commander Data?"

"Commander Data is in his quarters."

After some contemplation, Faith dressed in her civilian clothes and left her room.

The corridors were empty. It was unnerving since Faith was used to constant activity during the day. Going to see Data was an impulse but she had to ask him about his report, and thank him for taking her to sickbay.

When she reached his quarters, she hesitated. He was an android so she knew he didn't require sleep, but she also wasn't sure if visiting him in his personal space was out of line or not.

You made it all this way. Might as well just do it.

Faith knew she wouldn't be able to relax until she had her questions answered. Taking a deep breath, she rang the bell.

"Come in," Data called.

The doors opened and Faith stepped through. She wasn't sure what she expected. Data's quarters were sparse in decoration but furnished like the others except for a large console.

Data himself was seated behind it, hands dancing across the screen. He looked up when she approached, arching his eyebrow.

"Hello, Faith. This certainly is a surprise."

"Hi, Commander, I'm sorry to interrupt," Faith said. She found herself standing at attention despite the informality. "If now's not a good time, I can come back."

"There is no need." He motioned to one of the few chairs in the room. "Please, have a seat. You should be resting."

"I know," Faith said, sinking into the chair. "But I wanted to come by and thank you in person for bringing me to sickbay."

"No thanks is necessary. I was performing my duties."

"That doesn't mean I can't still appreciate the gesture."

Data offered her a small smile. "You are welcome." He made a move to go back to his work but paused. "Is there something else you wish to discuss?"

Faith smiled. "How could you tell?"

"It is highly unlikely you came all the way to my quarters in the middle of the night just to thank me for bringing you to sickbay."

"True," Faith admitted. "I also wanted to ask you a question."

"Please, proceed."

"Geordi thanked me for fixing the console. But I didn't. You did."

"That is not a question. That is a statement."

Faith rolled her eyes but her lips twitched into a small smile. "Why did you tell him it was me when you did the work?"

Data cocked his head in confusion. "But it was you."

"All I did was hurt myself. You were the one who actually fixed the problem."

"I may have done the physical work but you found the problem and devised a way to correct it. I did not."

She hadn't considered that point of view. When he put it that way, she didn't feel so bad. 

"You have a point," she conceded. "Well then, thank you for that too."

"You are welcome. May I ask you a question, Faith?"

"Sure."

"When I was examining the console after returning to Engineering, I realized it was near impossible to see the displacement as you so claimed."

Faith's heart sank. "I don't know what to tell you. I know what I saw."

Data did not look convinced. "Are you quite certain?"

Her mind raced with the excuses she had planned when she first found the displacement but Data's intense stare made the words die in her throat. 

"I...may not have been entirely truthful," she admitted.

"I suspected as much."

"I was already in the tube when I found it. I...I needed a quiet place to think."

"And you did not tell me because you knew you would most likely be reprimanded by Commander La Forge."

"Yeah," Faith said, averting her gaze. She felt guilty for lying. She was an adult for god's sake and should be able to own up to her mistakes. "Are you going to tell him?"

Data pondered her question. "I do not feel it is relevant. Although I would suggest you do not make it a habit."

"I won't. Promise." Faith made a move to stand. 

She was relieved her secret was safe and didn't want to risk saying something that would change Data's mind. It would be best if she left him alone. After all, she had the answers she needed. Maybe she'd be able to get proper sleep.

"Before you leave, may I ask another question?" Data asked. 

"Of course."

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Why do you ask?"

"You seem…" Data tried to find the right words. "...out of sorts."

Faith's good mood vanished. "Not you too."

"I apologize if the question is too forward. I noticed Dr. Crusher was concerned when I left sickbay. She would not tell me why. I hope it is nothing serious."

"I'm fine," Faith snapped.

Data pursed his lips before giving her a quick nod. "Very well. I can tell by your tone I have touched on a sensitive subject. I apologize."

The tension left Faith's body and she sunk back into her seat, running a hand through her tangled hair. "You don't need to apologize, Commander. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm sorry, I'm just tired of being asked that question."

"I can see how that can grow tedious," Data said, nodding in understanding. "And per our previous conversation regarding titles, you may call me Data, if that would make you more comfortable."

Faith smiled softer this time, grateful he didn't push the subject of her feelings. "I think I will." She hauled herself to her feet again. "I also think I've taken enough of your time. I'll leave you to your work."

"You should get some rest," Data said. "You look fatigued."

"Is that android-speak for saying I look like crap?"

Data gave her a curious look, clearly not understanding the colloquialism. 

"Are you trying to say I look terrible? Like a mess?" Faith clarified. 

"I do not think you do look terrible or particularly messy," Data said. "While your hair is quite disheveled and there are dark circles around your eyes…" He cut himself off, seemingly noting his small blunder. "You look very nice."

Faith laughed. It was the first time she had in a while and it felt good. 

"I appreciate the sentiment, Data."

"I am incapable of feeling or sentiment."

Faith's smile widened and she backed up toward the door, keeping eye contact with him. "If you say so. Sorry to disturb you. Enjoy the rest of your night." She gave a small wave and then she was gone.

[andonutty]

a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search. 

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.

[yhs-silly]

Hang on there buddy #5

Trigger warnings: suicide mentions, self harm, ghost, character death, murder mention

After a few weeks, Grian was cleared to leave. He moved in with Taurtis and Sam, who had already set up his belongings on shelves. He was so glad to be out of the hospital, happily sitting with Taurtis and Sam- he watched them play smash bros quietly. He loved to watch them just interact like this, casually and friendly without worry. He felt so relaxed, leaning against Taurtis with a yawn- he blushed when Taurtis instinctively put his arm around the blonde.

Later that night Grian was sat on the sofa, both of the boys were asleep. He looked around and realised just how small the apartment was, he wanted to give back to his friends for being so sweet and caring and his therapist did say he needed to improve his relationship with his parents...

Grian picked up the phone, he knew this number off by heart. He typed in each key and pressed the call button, he sat waiting for a response- his breath hitched when he heard the response.

"Hello? Who is this?"

He took a deep breath, it was now or never. "Is this Prudence Sian Xelqua?"

"it's LADY Prudence Sian RUSTIA dear, but yes. Who's this?"

He counted to three under his breath before answering, tapping his fingers on the side if the sofa. "Grian, it's Grian Xelqua..." He had to hold his phone at a distance due to the squeal that followed, he sighed and listened to his mother ramble on about how much she and his father had missed him. "Mother? I have a favour to ask..."

She went quiet. "I should have known...what do you need sweetie..?

Grian quickly realised how that sounded and back tracked. "Oh no, I do want to fix my relationship with you and father but I do really need a favour..." He smiled at hearing her assuring him that it was fine, she understood. "I need a house, I'm currently living on my friends sofa in a destroyed apartment- there are walls missing. Entire WALLS, mother."

She gasped and the clacking sound of credit cards was clearly heard. "Oh gosh! Hold on baby, mama's sending you a nice silver credit card and buying you a nice house, where do you live honey?"

"Academi, in japa-"

"Oh!" Lady Prudence squeaked, typing in the address in order to buy a little home for her son and his friends. "That's the little town Jane used to live! Is her ex still there? Does he still teach?" She gasped again as a little thought popped into her mind. "Is he your teacher?"

Silence from the other end of the phone as the sound of Grian sighing came from the other side of the phone. "No mother, Gareth's dead...he...he committed suicide..."

Prudence gasped, she felt faint. The sweet and gentle man she'd introduced her dear sister to all those years ago had hung himself from the rafters like a rat. She scoffed and fluffed up her hair. "Well he always was a coward, how outrageous! Suicide is a horrible thing to expose children to- how horrible of him! Suicide is a cowards way out and holds no honour whatsoever, such a horrible, shameful way to go!"

Silence from the other end of the phone and Prudence was about to ask if Grian was still there when a quiet, shaking voice was heard. "Mama..?"

"Yes baby?"

"...I tried to kill myself..."

The call ended, leaving Prudence sat in complete silence. Her baby, her perfect little boy, had tried to commit suicide. She felt sick, clasping a hand over her mouth to stop the bile that rose from escaping. She remember when Grian was little, he used to be the sweetest, move inquisitive kid around- hanging off her every word.

But she also remembered what the maids used to say, when she wasn't around Grian, he was quiet, subdued and sulky. But even inspite of that, Prudence had to worry what had happened in the ten years where he was on his own- on the street. Oh god she felt sick.

Meanwhile Grian was quietly cursing himself out for being so impulsive, he should have just listened to his mothers cruel comments about Gareth. Now he'd disgraced her, she was sure to call his father and then he'd know what a pathetic excuse for a son Grian really was.

He was right, Prudence did call her ex-husband but the man wasn't disspointed, he was sickened. He thought that Grian would've died on the streets so he was rather impressed but at the same time, suicide was a huge issue in all walks of life- his cousin was a physiologist and so he knew how important it was that Grian had failed. He was genuinely proud of him for reaching out of them, even if he was slightly put out that Grian had chosen to call Prudence and not him. He hated his ex-wife with a passion but they could agree enough to plan a trip to Japan to visit their son.

Neither of them had time for customs so they took a private jet, landing in the car park outside academi. It was a fairly nice plane as far as private jet's go so no wonder it drew a crowd. Prudence and Alfred stepped out of the plane to see a crowd of rowdy teens staring at them, they stepped out and looked over the group for their son.

Sam was so glad to see Grian smiling and laughing like that, back to almost-normal. He had grabbed his hand in order to drag him over to the shop and he was only just realizing that he still had Grian's hand in his grasp, a light blush dusting his cheeks as they turned the corner. Sam realised just how cute Grian looked, he really was blessed to own such cute friends- wait no, he doesn't own them, his therapist told him that was bad. Wow he really was messed up, Sam felt the empty pang of guilt hit him lightly as they approached the school.

Grian suddenly let go of his hand and Sam looked over in disappointment when he saw that the brit's face had paled, he looked to see what Grian had seen and saw the jet- with two fancy dressed people getting out. Sam couldn't help but notice how similar they both looked to Grian, they must be his parents. Sam didn't know Grian was rich, the kid had been homeless after all- and had no money what so ever.

It seemed that Taurtis also noticed as he tapped Grian on the shoulder. "Hey Grian? Are those your folks? They kinda look like you." He smiled, liking being right as Grian shamefully nodded. He watched as Grian's parents pushed through the crowd, lead by a PA, a butler and two bodyguards.

Grian felt his heart sink as his parents reached him, Prudence leaning down for a delicate huh. "It's ok baby, mummy's here now." She let go and smiled down at him, stepping back to stand beside Grian's father. Lord Xelqua nodded and gazed down at Grian with his usual dissapointed gaze, but his eyes sparkled with worry. Grian suddenly felt seven again, staring up at his parents and feeling like he's in trouble for something.

It was Yuki who came to his rescue, she jumped in as the girls diffused the crowds and curtsied to them. "It's a pleasure to meet you Sir, M'am, you must be Grian's parents. I'm Yuki Karu, my daddy runs the yakuza here- I'm Grian's friend." She chimes and smiles sweetly at them, causing Prudence to smile and nod approvingly.

"Oh it's lovely to see Grian's made some friends, he was never a very social child." She smiled sweetly and fluffed up her hair. "I'm Lady Prudence Sian Rustia and this," She gestured to Lord Xelqua. "Is my ex-hus-"

"I am Lord Alfred Xavier Robert Xelqua, patriarch of the Xelqua lineage and ceo of XelquaSweets." He cracked a neutral expression and flourished a bow before the little group, letting his personal assistant hold his cane as he did so. He came back up with a deep frown as he heard laughing.

Sam found this hilarious, Grian's parents were these over the top upper class hoity toities, the little aggressive kid Sam had met all those years ago was one raised by a nanny. He leant on Grian's shoulder as he cackled at this situation, he could feel the blonde tensining up but really didn't expect to be thrown to the floor like that as Grian took a few steps towards his parents.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The pair looked at him in shock and confusion, Grian glared. "Why do you think it's ok for you to barge into my life again like this? I called you because my therapist said I should fix my damn relationship with you assholes." He laughed almost hysterically and a cold cruelness rang through his voice, causing at least Prudence- and the remaining teens, to take a step back. "I told you what I did only because I couldn't stand you throwing scorn on Gareth for the same thing! And you know what father? You might as well call up your little physiologist friend because I'm the cause of his death! I'm hysterical! I'm fucking crazy!" He gestures around wildly, tears forming in his eyes as he took some more steps towards his now very uncomfortable looking parents. Sam slowly got off the floor and took a careful step towards Grian as the blonde glared forward. "And I don't have time to play happy fucking families with you neglectfull pieces of shit!"

Before Grian could say anything more, Sam put his hand over the blondes mouth, holding him close and quietly hushing him. He know what it was like to lose his temper like that and he didn't want Grian to hurt himself so he held Grian back and calmly pet the blondes hair. Grian sighed and stopped struggling, relaxing his shoulders but tensing then again as his father walked slowly towards him with a scowl.

"Grian." His voice was cold and harsh, Sam felt Grian begin to shake. "We've done nothing but give you the best, the only reason you're like this is because you ran away, which was your own decision." Sam made sure his arms were tight around Grian as he held the smaller make protectively. Xelqua glared at Grian and raised a hand to strike him. "Your mother and I didn't raise you to be such an ungrateful brat!"

Before his hand could even make contact with Grian's face, the light that reflected of his ring triggered something in Sam. He let go of Grian, pushing him towards Taurtis then grabbed Lord Xelqua's wrist. "Don't you fucking dare." He threw the lord to the ground and jumped on him, pummeling him with punch after punch. Lady Rustia screamed, her long acrylic nails tapping on her purse in worry as she stepped back.

She backed into someone, someone with an angry glare and muscles to make her swoon. She turned and widened her eyes as the teens gasped quietly, standing there and glaring down at Sam- Was Rowan.

[make-it-mavis]

Fire Flower

Sequel to Sunflower

WiR fic (INTERNET AU) 3904 words Characters: Make-it Mavis, Red (friendly Turbo duplicate) Content warnings: Self-harm mention

Premise: Following their awkward encounter at the dance, Mavis bucks up the nerve to call Red and explain things, but ends up explaining more than she had planned to, and gives the boy just a shred of truth about her past.

_______________________________________

It had been three days since the dance.

Mavis had spent that time restless, looking for any idle distraction that still left enough room in her brain for her to come up with a reasonable excuse for her behavior. She crept around the social media district, wandered aimlessly in the towering Google fortress, and hunkered down in Buzzztube, puzzling over some of the things gamers and admins found entertaining, but sometimes still finding a good chuckle or two.

And the whole time, she did not receive a single call from Red, thankfully. His brothers texted her now and then, asking where she was, if she was okay, and saying how she should contact Red, because he was worried. As bad as that made her feel, she had to take her time until she was ready.

On that third night, she decided that she was about as ready as she was going to get. So she sat down on her hotel bed, sitting next to the lamp on her bedside table, the only light source in the room at the time. Holding her weird little rectangle ‘phone’ against her bent legs, she stared at her contact list, eyes locked on Red’s name (with a little sunflower ‘emoji’ next to it). Heart squirming in her chest, she took a deep breath and tapped the icon for a video call.

It started ringing. At first, all she saw was her own tired face, the yellow light of the lamp casting half her face in shadow. She stared into her own eyes, a warning to not screw this up, until her face shrunk into the corner, and she saw Turbo’s face -- well, a Turbo’s face. Red appeared to be sitting mostly in the dark himself, but she could tell he had a window open somewhere, because just enough sunlight glowed off-screen to illuminate his face. His eyes were bright against the darkness, and they were cautious, concerned, and… guilty, she noted unhappily.

For a minute, neither of them spoke. It seemed that they had frozen up at the sight of each other.

Mavis managed to speak first. “Hey, Red,” she said quietly.

The corner of his mouth twitched. “Mavis,” he muttered. “Hi.”

“Uh…”

“So…”

“I’m…”

They paused.

Mavis sighed, willing to get it over with. “Red, listen. About the other night, I’m… really sorry. And I can explain--”

“No,” Red interrupted gently. “No, don’t do that. Don’t apologize. I’m the one who should be sorry, and I am. I really am. I should have asked you first. I don’t blame you for running off.”

“Well, I don’t blame you for trying,” she objected sadly. “It’s not like I tried to stop you. I should’ve said something, I just, I dunno, I just got--”

He said along with her, “--caught up in the moment.”

That threw her off track, and she stared at him. He was smiling kind of ruefully. “I guess we both oughtta take care not to lose our heads, huh?”

She chuckled, just once. “My head’s been gone for years.”

“Really?” he smiled. “Then whose beautiful face am I looking at?”

That threw her even further off track. Her insides protested at the tiny hint of adrenaline. He was just too sweet. So much so, that he was almost intimidating to talk to. Mavis had never been known for handling sweetness gracefully, but she wanted to try.

At her pause, Red’s smile faded, and he combed a hand back through his hair. “Gnah,” he grunted. “Sorry. You’re not interested. I’ll back off now, I promise.”

Perfect, she thought, this is perfect. You can let him down easy, and then the friendship can turn awkward and fizzle, and that will be the cleanest way out you could possibly ask for. This is perfect.

On impulse, she said, “That’s not it.”

Dammit, Mavis.

Red perked up a bit, his eyes cautiously hopeful. “...Really? So-- so you mean…?”

Ignoring the voice of reason in her head, she avoided his gaze and told him what was technically not a lie.

“It’s just that I… Well, I haven’t told you this before, but… I’ve got some, uh, baggage when it comes to these things.”

Red was silent for a moment, in thought. Just then, he looked horrified. “Oh, no,” he breathed, “Did I trigger something awful?”

“Uh,” she shifted, feeling put on the spot. “I-- I guess you could call it that. Yeah. But it’s not so much that you tried to kiss me, it’s that, um… I kinda… haven’t wanted that kind of thing in a long time. I didn’t think I could anymore, and, um…”

Mavis held her words for just a moment, debating what to reveal. She wanted him to know the truth, but the truth was too much. But if she spoke just right, she did not have to lie to him at all. 

Red just listened, his horrified face slipping slowly into soft sympathy, almost like he knew what he was hearing.

“My… last relationship,” she forced out, “ended… really badly. And I, uh, never wanted to even give myself a chance to go through that again. So, when I almost let you, uh… I just saw this… inevitable pain. And I panicked.”

Red’s glowing eyes fell downcast, and she saw the ghost of a sad smile. “I’m sorry. That’s an awful thing to go through. I’ve been through it myself.”

She tilted her head. 

Seeing her expectant look, he explained, “Uh… well, listen… I used to date a lot. Often casually, nothing too serious. Not that I was exactly afraid of commitment, I just… I’ve always had a lot of love to give, y’know? And everything always seemed to end just fine. ‘Til I met the first person I wanted a serious relationship with. And we had one, for a couple years. I really did love that guy. He was--” he breathed a short laugh, “--he was pretty great. But… then…”

His smile disappeared, and his eyes suddenly seemed so distant, and Mavis thought to herself, there it is. Right in front of her was a glimpse into the pain she knew he had been hiding. She listened intently, motionless.

Until the fog in Red’s eyes cleared, and he smiled at her again. “Well, anyway… Point is, you’re the first person I’ve had any interest in since that relationship. You’re the first in… almost five years, by now.”

Mavis blinked, unsure whether to be flattered or guilty. Probably a bit of both. “...Huh.”

His smile grew, and that adoration showed in his eyes again. “There’s just somethin’ about you. You just-- You… wandered in from another world, and you… got this spark that just-- it makes me feel so…”

“Alive?” she suggested.

Red looked a little surprised for a second, but then he grinned just enough to show his teeth. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Exactly.”

Mavis could not fight a genuine smile. “Yeah, well. Right back at’cha, Sunflower.”

A small glow shone through the hot, black ache in Mavis’ heart, but it was not enough. It was all sweet, and in another life, it could have made her very happy. But for this one, it was just too late.

After a heartfelt pause, Mavis’ smile disappeared, and she spoke mournfully. “But, Red… you know that fire and flowers don’t mix.”

“What…?” he asked. “What about fire flowers? Just ask Mario.”

She might have smiled at that, if she felt better. “Don’t step on my analogies,” she told him.

“Sorry.”

“But seriously, Red,” she insisted, “you shouldn’t like me.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he said, “and I can’t really help it.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I like what I know,” he told her. “I’d like to know more.”

“No,” she shook her head, “no, you really wouldn’t. It’s too much. You deserve better than me. That’s not self-loathing, that’s fact.”

“I deserve better than you?” he asked incredulously. “Are you kidding? Y’know what scares me about liking you? The fact that you deserve better than me!”

Mavis froze. “What? Seriously? How could you possibly think that?”

Red turned his gaze away from the screen, looking like he had backed himself into a corner. He was silent for a minute, only managing to utter, “I… just…”

Mavis took a deep breath. She could feel her insides quivering with emotion. Red could not be allowed to think that he was beneath her. He had to understand just what sort of rotting garbage he would be stepping down into if he messed around with her. She could hardly hold it in.

“No,” she began, her voice shaking. “No, you don’t understand. I don’t deserve someone like you -- I’ve never deserved someone like you, and you know why? I hurt people like you. I hurt everybody. That’s what I do. I hurt, and I steal, and I lie. That’s been my entire life. Thirty-seven years of hurting, stealing, and lying. You can’t even begin to imagine what I’ve done. If you get too close to me, I could take your heart in my hands and crush it into mush, do you understand that? I will hurt you, I will take what I want from you, and I will lie to you! And I don’t want--”

A lump in her throat choked her, and she trembled with the effort of suppressing the surprise flood of tears waiting behind her eyes. “I don’t-- want-- to do that!”

Before Red could respond, she threw the phone to the middle of the bed and tossed some of the blanket over it. Frustrated and sort of disgusted by her own emotions, she leaned back against the pillows and turned her face to the ceiling, gritting her teeth and pushing the heels of her palms against her forehead. The whole situation felt even more overwhelming than ever. She had sworn to herself over and over again that she would not let anything romantic take root. It would have been the worst thing she could possibly do. But then he tried to kiss her, and he confessed his feelings, and she sort of, maybe, confessed hers. Like an idiot. 

All this time, she had her guard up. But she had been guarding against the wrong things. She knew that him being a Turbo might have made her weak to developing some level of feelings for him. She never expected to develop feelings for him because he was Red.

That just made things a thousand times more complicated.

From under the blanket, she heard, “Uh… Mavis? Hello? You okay?”

She sighed. “I’m fine.”

He was quiet for a second. “Mavis… you really think you’re a horrible person, huh? I mean, I know we’ve talked about before, but… that really is a problem for you, isn’t it?”

“I am a horrible person,” she corrected him. “By conventional standards. I’m nothing that a sweet ray of sunshine like you oughtta be messing around with.”

There was one small, modest scoff. “I’m no ray of sunshine.”

“You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met,” she told him plainly. “And I’ve lived nearly four times as long as you.”

“Wow, um,” he breathed, “thank you for saying that. It means a lot.”

She shrugged. “It’s just true.”

“But I’m not sunshine,” he told her. “I’d rather be called ‘Sunflower.’ Sunshine is always clean and perfect. I love flowers, but they are dirty. Hell, they grow out of dirt. They’re full of bugs. That’s a bit more like me. I’m not perfect, Mav. You only think I am because you don’t know the dirt yet.”

Mavis was absolutely burning with curiosity, but she left it. It was not the time to press him on it. “Okay, maybe not perfect. But you’re a good person. You oughtta be interested in good people.”

“Mav, I think I’ve told you this before, but it bears repeating. I don’t believe anyone’s innately good or bad. You think I’m good because that’s how I decided I want to be. Anyone can decide to do better. No matter how horrible they think they are. It’s never too late to start.”

That spiel was familiar. It was one she had mulled over several times already, leading to imaginings of what her new life could be like if she changed the set of rules she lived by. But always, it seemed impossible. He said it was never too late, but it sure felt that way. 

Murderers did not suddenly become good people by smiling at strangers more.

“Ain’t enough good deeds in the world to tip my scales,” she said tiredly. “Honestly, it’s never bothered me before, and the only reason it bothers me now is ‘cause I--” she sighed. “‘Cause I know I’m just gonna hurt you. And lie to you. I actually give a shit about you, and I’m not used to that anymore. But I don’t think anyone can change enough to undo decades of bad.”

“Well… you don’t have to.”

“What?”

“Leave the past alone. All that matters is right now, and the future. And right now, and moving on, you can make choices you feel good about. Like, you don’t want to lie to me? Then don’t. Choose to be honest. Only you can make that decision for yourself.”

Mavis hugged her knees tightly. “...You want me to tell you the truth about something?”

“It’s not about me. Is there something you want to tell me?”

“What if I…” she spoke slowly, her heart pounding, “...told you that I’ve lied to you already? To hide ugly things?”

He paused. “Well… it’s not like we’ve known each other that long. It would be fair of you to not feel ready to share with a stranger.”

“We’re not strangers anymore.”

“That’s true.”

There was a pregnant pause as Mavis wrestled with herself. She felt steam swirling in her brain. Honesty was so dangerous. It could ruin absolutely everything, and traumatize the poor boy, and even herself. But the lies were growing heavy, and she was weary. If only she could have shed some weight, even just a bit… She searched and searched inside herself for something she could bear to reveal. Some honesty that still functioned in a carefully cut fragment.

She found it. It was risky, but she found it.

“Okay,” she said to him, feeling her heartbeat in her throat. “Do you want to know the truth about something?”

“Only if you’re ready.”

“I am.”

Mavis reached over the bed to uncover the phone and pick it up. She settled back in by the lamp, and looked at Red’s attentive, but tired face. After a pause, she showed him her left hand, specifically her stump of a ring finger. 

“My finger was not amputated due to an incurable viral infection.”

She began running a finger down her rows of neat scars that ran sparse on her fingers, closer on her hand, and crowded down her forearm. “These were not self-inflicted,” she told him, before pointing to the scar on her cheek. “This one was.”

Red just watched, listening with a growing look of concern. She could see the questions piling up behind his eyes.

“What, uh… actually happened to my arm…” she told him slowly, “was… well, back in my arcade, there was this game called Hero’s Duty.”

“Okay.”

“And this game had-- It’s main enemy was this huge, mechanical bug thing. And there were thousands of them at a time, ‘cause they were constantly laying eggs, and, uh… Well, point being, around seven-ish years ago, someone accidentally brought one of those bugs into my game, and they multiplied, and multiplied, and just-- just ate everything.”

She could feel her heart beating faster and faster as the story went on. It was harder to recount than she thought.

“And-- and just before a beacon was put up to draw them away, well…” she looked at her striped arm. “One of ‘em kinda… bit me.”

Red waited. “Bit you?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Yeah. All this is one bite. Inside their mouths was nothin’ but rows n’ rows of spinning saw blades. So, you see here…” she pointed out a set of thicker, angrier scars just past her elbow. “Teeth.”

She swept her finger down the rest of the scars. “Saw blades.”

And she pointed to her stump finger. “Casualty.”

Red seemed at a loss for words. He just stared at the scars he could see, his eyes far away as he obviously pictured the attack. “God,” he breathed, “I’m so sorry you went through that. That’s horrifying.”

“Yeah, it was pretty wicked,” she mumbled. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I lie to everyone who asks. Normally I love a gory story, but, ah, this one’s a bit hard to talk about. That was… not a good day.”

“No kidding,” he said gently. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to tell me. That’s gotta be a tough thing to remember.”

“Yep.”

His expression softened. “But… thank you for telling me. Seriously.”

Mavis scoffed the tiniest bit, her heart beat slowly beginning to calm down. “Ch’yeah. Almost like I trust you, or somethin’. Think a’ that.”

He smiled. “That makes me happy. I trust you, too.”

“Does that mean you’re gonna tell me some painful truth about your dark past, too?” she asked with a smirk.

Red’s brows raised. “Uh-- Well, I--”

She laughed, and it came out easy. “I’m kidding. Whatever. We’ve heard enough tragedy tonight, right?”

“Uh,” he chuckled nervously, “sure. Listen, I… I will tell you, someday. Just not yet. I don’t think I’m ready. Not-- not that I don’t trust you or anything, no, it’s just, um…” his gaze fell for a moment, “it really is tough to talk about.”

“Hey, it’s cool,” Mavis said quietly. “You know I get it. Whenever you’re ready, right?”

He smiled warmly, sighing through his nose. “Exactly.”

For a minute, they just looked at each other. Mavis was admittedly not sure what to say. She had already said a whole damn lot.

“So…” Red said carefully, “how do you feel? After getting all that out?”

Mavis considered that. She was shivering, and her heart still burned behind her ribs, but even though all she wanted to do was pace briskly around the room to burn off the adrenaline, she really did feel like some weight was taken off the massive load on her shoulders. She was not free of the mountains of secrets she had to keep, but she was more free in that moment than she had been ten minutes prior. It was a good feeling. 

And, whether it was a good thing or not, she felt a bit closer to Red.

“I feel… lighter,” she told him.

“Yeah,” he sighed, almost in relief. “Feels good to get stuff off your chest.”

“Feels better when the memory’s less of a bitch to touch upon,” she smiled awkwardly.

His face perked up with concern. “Oh no,” he said sadly, “I’m sorry. You gonna be okay over there?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she waved him off. “I’m like, a billion years old. I’ve done this song and dance before. I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so,” he relaxed on the outside, but she was not so sure about the inside. “But you’re gonna take care of yourself, right? Order a sundae and watch videos of cars slipping on ice-- or-- what have you been watching lately?”

“No, yeah, I’m still into that.”

Red chuckled.

She added with a smirk, “And I was gonna do all that anyway, for your information.”

“Good. Sounds like a good night.”

They fell quiet. She looked at him there, all alone in the dark, probably super warm, probably smelled really good, as usual-- Ahem, she thought, mentally clearing her throat and getting back on track. She wanted to keep talking, but felt like she ran out of things to say. He seemed to be in the same boat. But neither of them made any move to hang up, either. Eventually, Red was the one to break the silence in a low, sincere voice.

“Wish I was there with you.”

Mavis felt her brain stutter. “Um… yeah, I, uh, kinda do, too.”

“Really?” he asked. “‘Cause I can be there in--”

“Not-- not tonight, though. But we should hang out again soon. I’ve had enough of this weird hiatus we’re on.”

He grinned. “Amen to that.”

“Tomorrow?” she proposed. “We haven’t toured obscure Tumblr tags in a while. Probably new stuff up.”

“That-- Yeah, that sounds great. I can’t wait.”

“Meet outside the site at midnight?”

“Uh,” he squinted. “I dunno if I can make midnight. Our admin’s been putting a lot of notes in Google Docs, so I think we’re in for a history paper tomorrow night. Three in the morning is usually their cut off, but I can give you a call if they turn off the computer sooner. That sound okay?”

“Sure,” she shrugged. “I got nowhere to be.”

“Awesome,” he grinned, and paused. “Okay. Yes. Great.”

Mavis smirked. “You excited?”

“To see you?” he laughed a bit. “Now, why would I be excited about that?”

“I bet I could guess,” Mavis snickered. “Lookin’ forward to seein’ you too.”

“Good!”

“Good.”

“Okay.”

“Okay!”

“Um--” Red stammered through a smile, “So, if you say you’re okay, I’m gonna go, ‘cause, ah, I think the bros wanted to go for a run--”

“S’all good,” Mavis interrupted. “Go, go do your nerdy exercise.”

“Okay, Mav. Um-- look-- thank you for calling me. I was getting kinda worried.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“And, and thank you for being so open and honest with me. I really, really appreciate that.”

Mavis felt a small dart pierce her chest. “And thank you for listening,” she said, smiling uneasily.

“Any time,” he said. “Any time at all.”

She just held her smile as long as she could.

“Okay, I’m gonna go,” he said, sitting all the way up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “And a bunch of times after that.”

“Can’t wait,” he grinned, combing a hand through his hair. “Okay, I’m gonna let you go. Goodnight, Mav -- take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. G’night, Red,” she paused for just a second. “Oh, and Red?”

He perked up. “Yeah?”

“How ‘bout…” she squinted through a sheepish smile. “Maybe next time… You let me make the first move. Yeah?”

Red’s eyes seemed to cloud over in this eager, love-struck sort of way at that. She had to think he got caught up in the images that request produced. Although he looked almost unbearably cute, her heart was already pounding from what a stupid decision it was to say that.

“‘Next time’, huh?” he asked dreamily. “You got it.”

“Cool,” she breathed. “Okay. Alright. G’night, for real, Sunflower.”

“See you soon, Superstar.”

She hung up.

For a few minutes, she merely stared at the black screen, glaring daggers at her own reflection. Dammit, dammit, dammit Mavis, she thought, thirty-seven years and you’re still the most monumental dumbass that’s ever lived.

“Ugh,” she groaned, tossing the phone into a nearby chair and flopping to mash her face into a pillow. It was definitely time to order that stupid sundae, even if she definitely did not deserve it. That usually made food taste better, anyway, in her experience.

At the very least, the ball was in her court now.

But knowing her luck, she would just fall in love with it.