#genuinely didnt understand this until i was in real society or whatever

[crossthread]

The thing with self depreciative humour is that it invites actual predators to prey on your self confidence.

[incorrectzutaraquotes]

i’m sure you’re tired of me posting non incorrect quote or non zutara things, but there are things i want to talk about. it started, i guess, as a trend on tiktok where people would share their stories and experiences with racism as people of color in the united states(or anywhere really, but everyone i’ve seen has been from the us). as a woman of color, i felt compelled to participate, but wasn’t sure how to. i didnt want my face showing up globally because i knew that with posting that, not only could people i know in real life find it, but so could the wrong side of tiktok, thus leading some nice so not comments being left under the post. with tumblr i like the anonymity. i can talk about this in as much detail as i want without anyone being able to put a face to my name. despite being here for almost 19 years, i’m still not completely comfortable talking about these experiences when people know what i look like.

i’m going to put this under a cut so it doesn’t take up too much room, and so you can skip if you want.

for starters, my name’s holly. i’m asian american. i was born in china, but shortly after i was born i was stuck in an overcrowded orphanage. this resulted in being adopted by white parents when i was about one and a half to two years old. i lost fluency with my native language and that eventually lead to losing the language completely, and i lost touch with my culture.

i was in second grade, that’s how far back i can remember my first real encounter with racism. i was seven in a classroom full of white kids. there was this boy with blonde hair and blue eyes who sat next to me for a good portion of the year. i remember walking into class everyday, and every day he would ask me the same questions. “why is your nose so flat?” and “why do you eyes look like that”. i was seven. and whether or not he intended to hurt my feelings, it stuck with me for a long time. at first i was confused, because i didn’t think i looked different. i didn’t view myself as looking different until then. until i was constantly reminded everyday that my facial features were “weird” and “odd”. that my face was undesirable. it lead to years and years of insecurity and self hatred.

i wanted so bad to look like the other white girls in my school. i wanted a cute upturned nose with a perfect bridge shape. i wanted blue eyes. i wanted eyelids that didn’t connect in the corners and eyelashes that were naturally curled and turned up unlike mine, that just rested straight forward. i wished that i had lighter skin and blonde hair. i didn’t want to be different and undesirable. i thought i was ugly, and i would look at myself in the mirror for long periods of time, picking out everything that set me apart from the other white kids at my school.

that same year i found out that i needed glasses, and i’m pretty sure i cried. i didn’t want another reason for myself to stand out. i refused to wear them for an entire year and a half, before i realized that i had to wear them if i wanted to see. i was seven, eight. i wasn’t even in the double digits yet but i had this idea in my head that i was ugly because i wasn’t white. whether that kid had meant to hurt me like that didn’t matter, because the damage had already been done. and the worst part was that i had no one i could tell, but none of my friends and none of my family would understand what i was going through. so i suffered in silence and dealt with it the best a child could.

when i was in middle school, i can vividly remember kids mocking asians for laughs. they thought it was funny. funny to be racist. i remember this one time i was out walking the track with a group of kids during gym class. i was walking just behind them and i overheard their conversation. they were making fun of asian’s eye shape, and pulling their eyes back to make them smaller. and it hurt. and they knew i was walking behind them. they knew i was there and that i could hear their whole conversation, but they didn’t care. and i was too scared to speak up for myself, so i had to sit back, listening to and watching them mock people who looked like me because they thought it was funny. i was in seventh grade.

that next year, i was in eighth grade. i had a class with a boy. (i was convinced i liked him, but i’ve come to realize that was not the case at all. i was just forced into thinking he liked me, and i felt obligated to like him back. i realize now that that is just how society (and a get normative society) has conditioned women to feel, but that these feelings were nothing more than platonic. this will make more sense as i continue to tell the story.)

as i was saying, i had a class with a boy, and we began talking and becoming friends. or, i thought we were friends. i realize now those feelings were one sided, and that he only used me to pick on me. he and his friends would take my things and hide them. they sat behind me and would move my desk during class while i was trying to work. they’d throw things at me, whatever they had available. sometimes it was paper, sometimes it was coins, i remember a few times it was a stick they’d found on the track. and now, it doesn’t seem like a racially motivated thing, and maybe it wasn’t and i’m just overreacting. but i saw how he treated other girls. i saw how he treated his girl friends. i saw how he treated my friends. i was with them all the time, and yet i was the only one who was ever on the receiving end of this treatment. and that, that sucked. but i didn’t tell anyone again, because i knew they would just tell me “that means he likes you”. but his actions went further then a playful slap in the arm, and became almost dangerous. i was only fourteen.

in high school i tried my best to stay away from those toxic people. instead, i could remember the racism i faced in those four years coming from my own family, rather than my peers at school. i cant possibly name every time my family has been racist, but i can specifically remember times when i was constantly told by them that my eyes “didn’t look asian”. that my sister looked “more asian” than i did simply because her eyes were smaller than mine. as if i didn’t already have an identity crisis because i wasn’t white enough to fit in with my predominantly white neighborhood, but i wasn’t asian enough to fit in with the few asian kids at my school. it was my dad who continually pushed me to be an engineer(which im not doing, to clarify). don’t get me wrong, he wanted all of us to be in a field where job demand was high, and he did want my sister to be an engineer, but he didn’t bring it up at the rate that he did with me. he still does it. and this plays into the stereotype that all asians are smart and that because we’re smart i have to go into a field that requires high intellect. he didn’t put that immense amount of pressure on any of my other white siblings. just me.

there’s a chinese restaurant down the street from us. we order from there a lot, and usually they’re really good with getting our orders right. in fact, this was the only time i can remember them getting our order wrong. and immediately they began to make fun of their understanding of english and their broken english. immediately they jumped on that opportunity to mock their language, using words like “ching chong” to describe their words. and the saddest part is, i wasn’t even surprised. and yet i couldn’t say anything because i didn’t want to start a fight, and i knew if i did i would be told that “it was just a joke” or that “you’re being too sensitive”. i often wonder if they’d mock me if i didn’t have perfect english. if i spoke with a “chinese accent”. it makes me wonder if i’m only really accepted because i’ve been so assimilated into whiteness that you can’t even tell i’m asian unless you look at my face. this happened mere weeks ago.

last week i went to get my hair done. because of covid everyone is required to wear masks, but there were at least 10 people in there. i was sat down in front of the mirror while my hairdresser cut my hair. in the reflection of the mirror i could see this older white women getting her hair one behind me. she wasn’t wearing her mask properly. it resting under her nose, eventually her chin, and at one point it came off completely and her hairdresser had to tell her to put it back on. the entire time i was sat in that chair, where i could only look straight ahead in that mirror, she was watching me like a hawk. giving me side eye glances and even turning her head completely towards me at times. let me remind you that there were other customers in there. it wasn’t just me and her. i could feel myself starting to get anxious, my heart starting to speed up and my fingers under the apron they put around you, tapping the side of my phone in my hands nervously. i was genuinely afraid that she would start throwing racist slurs and start blaming me for the coronavirus the entire time. i was scared. and it was literally just last week. im tired.

[spidermanifested]

not to do Universal Steve Discourse on main in 2019 but....... i did genuinely enjoy the season finale and i want to like. express the reasons why? in a really really really long drawn-out and needlessly convoluted manner probably because this is being typed on mobile and im tired

first of all i know the main thing people dont like about how things have gone in general is the fact that its less You Gotta Beat the Bad Guys and more You Gotta, Talk to the Bad Guys Until They Stop Being Bad, which is not very often a realistic approach to stopping actual horrible people in our real human society from doing actual horrible things

and i get it!! but honestly the way the finale goes about resolving conflict (or specifically how steven goes about resolving conflict), while flawed, feels more like. a mediatorial power fantasy id have as a kid than anything else. like....... for once, things not having to end with the strongest person coming out on top. making the other side just sit there and listen for a few minutes, and force them to realize that their actions have consequences for the rest of the world and the people they claim to care about. that no, their idea of whats best isnt always helpful! that theyre ignoring everyones actual needs in favor of an idealized and selfish narrative!

every time i would watch a show featuring superheroes or anything similar when i was younger id hate that it always had to resolve itself with violence instead of just TALKING to each other, and maybe su and the homeworld arc in particular isnt an accurate portrayal of successfully navigating interpersonal conflict with stubborn assholes or of fighting systemic oppression or a fascist government colonizing everybody else and suppressing all dissent through any means available or whatever but. sometimes metaphors dont work as a direct 1:1 comparison to things happening in real life, and thats, okay i think? sometimes? i dont know it just feels good to see everybody UNDERSTAND each other. it reminds me that its. actually possible once in a blue moon to convince someone to treat the people around them with respect. and it just feels good honestly. its a fantasy show and Everybody Goddamn Finally Getting Along is a Common and Valid Fantasy to Have Especially If Youre a Kid in a Bad Place

also: though in a lot of scenarios this way of approaching the diamonds wouldnt be feasible at all, steven in the show is not just a random human whos magically able to change the minds of alien dictators. hes the son of maybe the one person they had any compassion for, and they treated him like he was still her, which even then Wasnt Great because the diamonds were not a healthy familial setup by any measure. but at the very least they could SOMETIMES be swayed by pink. and he used that to its advantage by showing them how much they hurt her, and then by extension how much they hurt everybody else, even if they didnt particularly care about the rest of their “flawless” gem society. and maybe they still dont!!! maybe theyre just making reparations to honor pink. but when it comes down to it their feelings dont matter. their motivations dont matter. their ACTIONS matter. in stevens words: “you did this, and now you have to fix it”.

he used his foothold in their good graces (again, relatively) to make them take a closer look at their actions, and thats what makes it more rational to me. because of course they wouldnt listen if he was some random half-alien kid. if he really was unrelated to the diamonds he would have HAD to use force. you dont get people to listen to your viewpoint by just talking when theyve already convinced themselves youre below their consideration and itd be useless to pretend otherwise, yes!! but to use another characters metaphor- the best character in the whole show (bismuth)- if you are a lion, you can safely enter the lions den. use your respected-as-a-peer status to convince the people around you to be better. obviously everybody being affected by oppression can fight with everything theyve got and it makes a huge difference, but what also makes a difference is people in positions of privilege standing up for other peoples rights and magnifying their voices, and the burden of breaking out from an unjust system shouldnt NEED to be placed on the downtrodden. we should fight, but we shouldnt HAVE to fight. its not our fault things are this way

and giving up on galactic conquest doesnt suddenly make the diamonds good people. not once to my memory do they ever actually verbally apologize (at least white diamond definitely didnt) but like i said before, that doesnt really matter to the people they hurt. the damage is done and any apology offered would just look flimsy and performative. instead steven has them just shut up and fix the things theyre able to fix. nobody says “i forgive you”, they arent suddenly given tragic backstories to make the audience sympathize with them, theyre just... the same close-minded egotistical royalty, but being forced to look at everybody else from a different angle for the very first time, directly after coming to grips with the fact that their awful caste-based society pressured one of “their own” into faking her own death and later dying for real just so she could experience life outside of the constricting role she was born into. thats their thing. that isnt a redemption arc so much as a “hurray we made them pay for their reprehensible actions in a constructive and viable manner” arc

i think thats... cool? less focus on Punishing Wrongdoers and more focus on Fixing Problems. we need that. in a lot of ways

but yes i also wholeheartedly believe that you should not argue or debate or converse with fascists in real life unless youre somebody they have to take seriously. like. their dad, or something. and dont do it anywhere public where they can perform for the audience instead of addressing your words. and also dont do it on the internet where they can screencap and mock you with their friends instead of being serious. but if youre their dad i dont know why youd need to be doing that. anyways this post is long enough so thats the end of my ‘Punching Nazis is Very Morally Good and Also Fun and Im Not About to Say Otherwise in a Million Years’ disclaimer

the tumblrmobile refuses to post this so ive had to save it as a draft and come back on my laptop to add tags good website great design functions as intended

[the-little-red-noodle]

10/11/18 7:47

okay, lets talk. 

Ive had an emotional 24 hours. I’ve been anxious, i’ve been insecure, i’ve been angry and sad and hurt and manic and crazy and i need to get it out so i can fucking cleanse and move into my weekend.

It started with spencer, what like, 2 nights ago now? i dont remember when it was, but i was getting insecure and noticing how i was affecting him. it was yesterday, cuz it was wednesday. i was insecure and didnt want him to leave my room and i think i really stressed him out because i just wanted him to stay and say the things i wanted to hear, but that isnt reality. he cant read my mind, he cant know what i need to hear, thats why i need to communicate and not just suck into myself and away from him, but i didnt want to do that because i didnt want to be crazy, but then i got crazy and i made him kinda late because he dropped by at 3:30 and only expected to stay till 4 but he left at 6:27 as i needed to go to my 6:30 lab.. so i feel bad but i just agh i couldnt let him leave when i didnt feel good..

i didnt feel good because we talked about politics. he got me going on the wage gap, so i got heated talking about the misconceptions and he was (respectfully) arguing with me because he is suuupperrrr super liberal, very very left, very socialist, and he’s a politics major, so he’s well versed and i get that going in, but i also wanted to share my side because im fairly moderate; i dont believe in a lot of feminist rhetoric, or the wage gap stuff. i read the study, and it bothers me that people misuse the statistics to say that women get paid less for the same job, because that is NOT what the study found. The point was that women take different kinds of jobs than men and tend to work less hours and have less education and qualifications. THAT is the ‘feminist’ issue, not paying women less for the same job because thats illegal and cant happen. 

Heres the thing. I know there are sexist issues in our society. i know that it is harder for women than it is for men. but frankly, i feel better ignoring it as much as i can. i feel like if we keep telling women than they shouldnt be scientists because its a man job, or that society tells women that they need a leg up, because then we start believing it and internalizing and thinking we are less than men. i feel like if we just stopped talking about it, i wouldnt know that there was a gender discrepancy and id feel totally normal getting into stem. i dont want to feel like im some anomaly. and frankly yes, i notice sometimes. i notice the gender divide in stem. of fucking course i see it. i know that there are men in my neuroscience lab who think i dont know shit. im not blind, i know the STEM field is misogynistic. i know it is. but i dont like to subscribe to the feminist thing that im so held down and its because im a woman. but thats just me

anyway, my babe is very liberal and he was listening of course but also making sure i knew that the problems im ignoring are still there, which i appreciate but i also get kinda irritated with hyper liberal men because it sounds kinda guilty? like listening to a straight white man say that straight white men are the problem, annoys me. like yes thats true, but also ugh its annoying. i hate the men shame that feminism encourages.

so we kinda went back and forth for a while, which like, good that we can have real conversations, and politics is something that will inevitably come up, but as the conversation went on, i started getting insecure and anxious because confrontation scares me. not that he was really even confronting me? like spencer is such a sweet man, he’s gentle and kind and supportive and so sweet to me, and i know politics is literally his thing, and im glad that he’s super liberal as opposed to the other end. cuz like ya i am a queer woman and im glad that he seems like a strong advocate for minority groups like that, so like im glad, but i also started to feel like he was frustrated with me for like being ill informed.

 heres the thang tho, im not really ill informed. ive done my research, i watch the news, and im a big fan of shoe0nhead which admittedly is very moderate bias media, but its content i agree with. and i was telling him that im fairly moderate, and he was like ya i can tell, and i was like and politics isnt really my thing, and he was like ya i can tell. but i didnt mean that like i didnt understand politics, i meant it as like i try not to really get into the conversation (partially because of sarah lawrence)

no wait i did tell him that. i told him how involved i was in social justice stuff in new york, that i literally led the anti Trump protest in NYC after he was elected. and when i told him that, he got all dreamy eyed like it was so attractive that his girlfriend was an activist, which is cute n whatever, cuz everything he does is cute..

the point is, that after this conversation i was insecure because i felt like he would be mad at me (he wasn’t) or that he would hate me (he doesn’t). and i know that logically of course, but still... ugh idk, the conversation just got me riled up and then he had to leave town for the whole weekend and i was feeling like we wouldnt have enough time to resolve it

but he kept saying everything was fine, that he wasn’t mad, that he might disagree, but still loves me duh. and i know he meant it, but u know when you get in your head and youre like shit i said too much, and now he will never look at me the same because we slightly disagree about politics, like my moms dating a republican and they reallllyyy disagree on politics, like i will be fine! whats yer issue self?

but ya so i just felt insecure, and i know he was trying to comfort me even tho i didnt let on thaaat much that i was hurting. i feel like when people i love get confrontational with me (which again, he wasn’t) i get upset and my heart feels heavy and it hurts and i want them to leave and i would have just ended our hangout because we both had places to be and whatever we’ll deal with it later, but i knew he was leaving tonight and was gunna be busy and we couldnt deal with it so i was scared and when my attachment feels insecure, i get SO insecure. hahahaaaa i was thinking this relationship would be any different? gurl.

but heres the thing, he is.. he’s fine. he doesnt think anything is wrong and he’s still my sweet pea boyfriend. and i know that now, because i did get to say goodbye in a good re-establishing way tonight.

i knew he was leaving after his class at 6:30 tonight and i was nervous because i knew he was gunna be busy with packing up and everything.

i ran into him walking to class and we were fine and kissy and cute and i love him but as we were parting i was like can i say goodbye before you leave, but i dont think he heard me cuz he didnt really respond because we were diverging and he was giving me his sweet boy eyes with an outstretched arm as we parted and i was like shit im still insecurrrreeee

so i texted him during the first class like “hey i meant cant i say goodbye before you hit the road but sounds like yer gunna be busy so have a great weekend baby i love you!” and i meant it, i wanted to end on a good note but then he didnt respond all day, and my anxiety was mounting and i spent the rest of today in my room doing nothing but stressing about him. stressing about a boy, nothing new for me.

but eventually i got really tired and took a real nap, i had accepted that i wouldnt see him again.. sad.. i woke up at like 7:15 and i was like hmm let me see if his car is still here, ya know, cuz im crazy. i went downstairs to fill up my water bottle and his car was still in the parking lot. so ya know, i text him, cuz im crazy. and i was like drive safe babe <3 and then as i got back to my room there he was outside my door with bags in his arm to pack up his car and i was so effing relieved to see him. we hugged and kissed and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and i was so happy to get to have a moment with him before he left.

i walked him down to his car, and filled up his water bottle for him and once everything was in his car, he just kissed me.. and i know im a hopeless romantic, but i was so happy to just kiss him and feel his lips smiling and feel his arms around me and hear him giggle and be adorable.. 

my heart still hurts, but it’s different now. my heart hurts because I miss him. i already miss him even though he only just left. he’ll be gone until monday night and i might not even see him then because he’ll be exhausted, which is fair. but now im sad because ill just miss him. i know he’ll be camping and among friends and nerding out on his larping camp vacation is fresno. of course ill miss him.. because i love him..

as we were kissing by his car i was like be safe (cuz his larping thing is basically nerd war with foam weapons) and he was like “yeah i will, cant wait to see you when i get back”, and i was like yeah babe ill be here to patch you back together when you get back, and he kinda laughed at me and was like “i dont think that’ll be your intention when i get back” implying that ill probably just want to rough him up immediately when i see him like i usually do. which made me really really happy to hear cuz it was like acknowleding that everythings still good and we’re still crazy about each other and we’ll just want to fuck as soon as he’s home which is sweet to me, like to me thats such a sweet sentiment. and i just got so happy that he in his own way reminded me that like we’re still on a good track, and we’re still happy, and he still loves me, ya know?

and also as we were hugging and kissing i started scratching his back how he likes and he sorta moaned and was like “ugh im really gunna miss this.. like im gunna miss you of course, but im gunna miss your back scratches” and that made me happy.. 

he just makes me happy.. i really love him and i’m really grateful that i got to have this brief reconnection with him before he left town till monday.. 4 days without him is gunna suck, but i know he’s gunna be busy and probably not have service and be off the grid so we won’t talk unless he reaches out. but i will manage. he managed for 4 days while i was camping, so i can manage while he is nerd camping

omigod that reminds me how much i love him, again. he’s nerd camping. ugh i adore him

he was like babe you gotta come next time so we can get drunk and fight together and he was all smiley like he really wants to show me off at his nerd event which is so sweet.. and as he walked me back to the dorm entrance cuz i forgot my key, he called me his girlfriend, and even though its small, its something.. i’ll take it. 

i needed that brief little reconnection. the next 4 days i will have to detox. i have events planned like every day, so i’ll be fine. im gunna see my friends tomorrow and saturday night and i have chapter on sunday and should probably spend some time alone writing and detoxing and getting back to myself and feeling independent. 

i want time to shower and braid my hair and brush my teeth and feed my body good food and watch youtube and write. i need to stay writing. i need to keep journaling because i know how much it helps me. i need to get my emotions out and analyze why the things that upset me get to me. whats the root of the problem and how to get through it. i need that.

i was and still am so frustrated with myself that i got so insecure over one political conversation with spencer. like... thats a problem, ya know? 

and at least now that he’s out of town for the whole weekend, i dont really have an excuse for being anxious about seeing him? cuz he just drops by and i never know when cuz he doesnt text me first. like literally tonight as we were kissing outside my room he was like i came by earlier but you werent home, and i was like oh shit i was taking a nap and i slept through him coming to visit me :(( which is like oh my god that would have been so sad if i didnt get to see him on his way out because i was literally asleep! 

his dropping by, while its the cutest ever because it just like him wanting to see me, its also kind of stressful because i never know when its gunna happen, so whenever im home, im kind of anxious because he could drop in at any second, and of course i get happy when he does because then i get to see my baby, but alsoooooo it means i cant really indulge in my personal space because it could be interupted at any moment, and as i found out tonight, i cant take naps because then i could miss him :(

thats probably something we should discuss at some point, because it creates anxiety for me that is related to spencer, and i want to eliminate any bad vibes from my relationship

relationship.. he’s my boyfriend.. ohmigod wuuuuuuut im still shocked that he wanted to boo me up this much.. he’s so sweet and cute and nerdy ugh

i love him.. i need to get over this dumb insecurity that comes from mild confrontation? that wasnt even confrontation??

so lets remember the things to look forward to about this relationship

he loves me. he claims me proudly as his girlfriend. he wants to bring me to belegarth events, even this day one in san diego where he’d bring me home and introduce me to his home friends which is pretty huge.. he’s sweet, he likes spending time with me and he drops by frequently and stays for hours.. we’re good, and i know i sound crazy needing to convince myself, but thats because i dont want to bug him to validate me, especially not when he has this big event that he’s so excited for. and i want him to be excited for his event and feel secure with me, because of course i love him and want to be with him.

10:53pm i keep taking breaks from the journaling, i get distracted really easy, watching youtube and texting people.. trying to be social, its hard for me. also trying to bury my spencer texts, just cuz i know im crazy and i want to try to not think about him..

do i go walk down to the cooler to get food? or should i just subside on whatevers in my fridge.. also i really should fill up my tank.. and calculate the gas so my friends can reimburse me.. sigh

anyway, i think im feeling mostly better after yesterday. like obviously im still gunna think about it, and ill always worry if spencers as invested as me, but i gotta take it with the context that he was the one who pursued me and crushed on me from day one and wanted to date me and wanted to be exclusive with me and wanted to call me his girlfriend.. he says he loves me and he comes to visit me all the time and spends his free time with me.. he’s a sweet pea and i shouldnt be insecure about it

and not to be cryptic, but what am i even worried about? part of me was reluctant to even get into a relationship, and was supposed to be single and focusing on myself and if anything, dating women. i accidentally caught feels for an amazingly sweet nerd man, and believe me im happy about it. i love spending time with spencer and loving on him. but to be cryptic for just a second.. worst case scenario? he’s just not interested anymore and we break up. sooo? ya that would suck, and i would be heartbroken, but i would also be okay because i have good friends and the whole point of breaking up with ryan was to be single.. so..

anyway, i should probably wrap up this journal entry cuz its long and all over the place

omigod he just texted me

aww he’s letting me know that he got to his thing safely and he loves me

seeee he’s a sweet bean, yall are fine, can you chill now? he’s so into you and you dont need to be insecure about this right now

and wow i sound crazy writing this much, i’ve literally been writing for hours. i know i need to journal more, and this is literally just stream of consciousness for hours and hours.. alright, ima end here and do hw maybe..

stay grateful. stay happy. life is good, you are blessed. friends are good. boyfriend is good. school is good for now kinda haha but i need to stay positive! yes i have bad days, yes i have low points, yes i get insecure and sad and upset and lonely. but i am so very lucky to be alive and to be surrounded by support and love and to feel and give love freely. i am lucky to have found friends i can trust. i am lucky to still have my close friends from beyond this year of oxy. i am beyond lucky to have an incredible man in my life. and also its halloween season which means lots of fun family stuff and so many fun parties on and off campus and looking forward to showing off my jessica rabbit costume and seeing spencers cowboy beebop costume and just drooling over each other ^-^ 

it is going to be a great rest of this month, and after this is november, which means thanksgiving and family stuff, and better fall weather hopefully and that means getting spencer to wear more sweaters.. mmmph and then after that is december which means holiday season, and more family stuff, and of course, finding a time to see spencer and be cozy and watch christmas movies and again, get him into more sweaters.. mmmmmmmph yes babe

there is so much to look forward to!! events and planning christmas presents for people omigod im gunna start that note on my phone, theres so much to do!! cuz i also have so many new great friends for this holiday season which means more presents for people which im always excited about :) and getting to watch my puppy grow up and see my family and take in the quality time together <3 

i am loved. i am blessed. i am grateful. i want to spread love and positive vibes and happiness and love! so much love :)

okay. that’s all for tonight. shower, brush teeth, go to sleep. take care of yourself. LOVE

[aquagenesis]

im talking about myself because unfortunately for everyone i am actually the only main character.

i dont even know how to describe the emotion it makes me feel because it’s i mean generally indifferent.  whatever.  but when people act like im only like this because im angry or im aggressive and im taking everything too far.  when people look at me and theyre like “yeah you were poor yeah you had an absent father and an abusive mother so does everyone”.  it’s not about that.  it’s literally not even about that.  i dont even consider those things Defining Points for me because like yeah bro i thought everyone grew up like me!  i thought every christian parent was exactly like my stepfather, i thought every “helicopter parent” was exactly like my mom.  i didnt even acknowledge parents arent supposed to say half the stuff they said to me.  it didnt even click until i started telling people just to share to be like “oh yeah man i totally understand your dad freaking out over nothing.  my dad used to [REDACTED]” and they like act like im grandstanding or trying to bowl them over.  like i get it?  but i feel like by my tone and the fact I Dont Talk About My Family should tell you im not dropping my Strong And Silent persona just to flex about how abused i was.

im angry because these things fundamentally led to me getting the shit abused out of me and everyone around me because the same system who APPLAUDS itself on maintaining the safety of their communities is the one who refused to take my moms own testimony against my dad because she was “paranoid” and “insane”. 

the same system who says psychotic people are dangerous told me what my mom was doing to me was probably a figment of MY imagination. 

the same system that says they care for the lives of children kicked my mother and her two not-older-than-toddler aged children deserved to be on the street because her abusive boyfriend wasnt paying his fair dues.

it pisses me the fuck OFF my future entails me being a “diamond in the rough” for the same people who didnt give a shit if i lived or died.  it pisses me the fuck off i’ll always be looked on by people who wanted me dead as “one of the good ones”.  a reason why impoverished communities deserve resources.  a reason why maybe poor people and insane people shouldnt be left to die because maybe they’ll fucking wind up like me.  but theyre still going to make it hard as fuck BECAUSE im just a diamond in the rough.  because i worked so hard to make a change and i worked so hard to keep myself alive and now im a success story they can shove down the throats of kids like me to make them feel more like shit when everything is against them and they dont feel like they can take it anymore.

it pisses me the literal fuck off rich people can be drug addicts and alcoholics and beat their spouses and “cancel culture” means People Dont Like Them :( but it’s okay because now we all have to stop and be like oh no wait hold on didnt you poor people say addiction isnt a choice?  like you fucking have the resources to not act like that and youre paying off your charges.  poor people dont get to do that.  they genuinely do not get to do that.  for some people, a drug charge means they cant get a job.  that means they cant do jack shit.

pisses me off when people will assault others and do drugs and break the  law and they get on fucking probation and can still go to school and make something of themselves and barely get fucking drug tested and can leave the fucking STATE and the cops dont come after them but the police sure as FUCK did harass my mom because my dad left florida illegally.  they sure as fuck did drug test everyone around my dad extensively because they couldnt find HIM but thats how they wanted to prove he was still dealing.  the whole system is fucked and i dont agree with it but it’s ESPECIALLY fucked against people who havent even had the chance to try and make something of themselves.  how the fuck was my dad supposed to get help for his shit when his parents were both dead.  how the fuck was my mom supposed to go to college when she was in an abusive relationship and now had two children she had to stay home and take care of because my dad sure as fuck was not.

how the fuck is anyone with anything actually wrong with them supposed to succeed.  how the fuck is any of this fair.  how is it fair my legacy will be beating down on kids saying “lukas was abused for 22 years of his life and he still became a scientist so what’s your excuse, i dont do that stuff”.  “your father isnt a felon, hes a good man, sure hes angry, but lukas could do it”.  i dont want to be a fucking success story used to punch down.  but then im giving up on myself, then im not achieving my potential, then im blaming everyone else for my problems, then im holding myself back, then im depressed.

im depressed because the system that left me for dead and wanted to do the same fucked up shit they did to my mom is going to rip apart my still-warm body for nitpicks to use against The New Generation or their specific kids or whatever the fuck else.  and then the other side is gonna say “ugh god but he’s insane though that’s the real fucking scandal.  how can we trust anything he says when he’s been institutionalized, when his parents were so bad, he’s a liberal scam, hes trying to destroy our society”.

it pisses me the fuck off.

[polistini]

To preface the deal of what happened between Kolstad and Uhlir I think its a good idea to explain what exactly they both are. Kolstad is something that people dub a 'boogeyman'. Theyre beings that have assumed the responsibility of guiding people onto the path that individual deems to be right, and some use fear to get this. Others assimilate into human populations and do so in more casual and healthy ways by being in positions of guidance. Kolstad has been around for centuries and has done that in many places around the world. At the time they met Uhlir they had been a town's priest during a time where people didnt bathe regularly and monsters were a very big very real fear (i havnt settled on a era yet)

Uhlir is a ghoul, which are beings who are birthed looking like human babies and replace a couples actual child or leave theirs outside the homes of welcoming people, and is raised until the ghoul child becomes unruly and runs into the wilderness and assumes a more monstrous form. They have to eat meat to live essentially. They can live for hundreds of years but they need to eat more and more as time goes on to keep from rotting, and they often scavenge anywhere they can to keep from decomposing more.

One of Kolstad's duties in their job was to essentially maintain a graveyard near the church they lived in, during a winter they had noticed some graves were being dug up and desecrated. This troubles their community so it troubles them too and one night they decide to stay in the graveyard to try to catch whatever it is doing that.

Kolstad essentially catches Uhlir digging up things to eat in the graveyard and because Kolstad just genuinely likes beings of all kind and understands he doesnt do this out of spite, they decide to try to help him. Uhlir initially tries to tear them limb from limb because ghouls know people are dangerous and not to be trusted. Kolstad isnt human and could easily overpower Uhlir if need be but they dont want Uhlir to Know because they dont want any sort of agreement of help to be borne from fear.

So after convincing Uhlir they arent there to hurt them Uhlir tentatively agrees to stop digging up the graveyard if Kolstad brings them food. Which Kolstad does for weeks and Uhlir realizes there is actually no danger and Kolstad must just be either really clueless or really weird (or both) and starts somewhat talking to them for a while. During one of these talks Kolstad offers Uhlir a place to stay at the church/their home and essentially join the human town under the cover of being a wayward person in need. Uhlir vanishes for a while after that to mull things over but ultimately agrees because Kolstad says he can leave if he doesnt like it.

But he does like it because ghouls are typically solitary and fight a lot, so its nice to be able to talk to someone without worrying about them trying to bite your face off. Kolstad is similarly happy because Uhlir doesnt really care about their status in the People Communities and treats them like any other rando and in a way its comforting. Because of their guiding intents Kolstad is often in positions where just being someones friend is often weird or would create an uncomfortable power imbalance that they would like to avoid.

The two live together for quite some time and become very close. They live together, work together and are nearly inseparable, despite the towns initial confusion and suspicion they ultimately accept Uhlir. Things are good and both genuinely feel as though theyve finally found a true friend after centuries of near isolation. They continue on like this for quite some time more before things begin to take a downward spiral.

While Uhlir is out he is approached by other ghouls which is, weird to say the least because they are territorial and solitary. The other ghouls essentially heard that one of their own has assimilated into an actual human population which is goddamn Unheard of. Uhlir tries to just ignore them because hes happy and thats fine who gives a shit right? The other ghouls begin talking about how this must be some sort of cruel stunt and that humans always end up doing the selfish thing and betraying each other, let alone a monstrous outsider.

Now this gets Uhlir thinking and worrying about if Kolstad has been stringing him along the whole time, maybe waiting for a perfect time to expose him. To have him killed or chased away to show power maybe. He attempts to push those kind of thoughts away but unfortunately the seed of doubt has been planted rather firmly. Uhlir had been hurt before by people and has seen the damage they can do, whats to say Kolstad was any different?

The thing is, Kolstand isnt a human. They know full and well the way humans can be towards things that go bump in the night, and they do their best to not be the same way. But they wont tell Uhlir the truth of their origin because an entity like them is one feared by nearly every creature. Kolstads worse fear is that Uhlir will find out about their nature and suddenly their equal friendship will turn into Uhlir only sticking around out of fear.

There is a hitch in their communication and Uhlir begins to withdraw and Kolstad has absolutely no idea why. In a rather short period of time Uhlir has convinced himself that he needs to get Kolstad before they can get him. He keeps thinking theres no way someone would bother to do all this without some ulterior motive. Uhlir begins to form a plan that would 'save' them from ever being turned upon.

Ultimately Uhlir decides to create false evidence of Kolstad being the monster, not him. He claims they were the one tearing up graves and they were the one doing everything that was out of the ordinary. They manage to actually turn the entire area against Kolstad and leads a Literal Angry Mob into the church while Kolstad is in there cleaning. He figures that the town people can 'dispose' of Kolstad and then he can take their place and be safe and no one can ever turn against him. Its not rational thinking whatsoever.

Kolstad had not been expecting any of this and suddenly theyre greeted with the people theyve cared for over a span of decades and their only genuine friend demanding that they be put on trial to expose their monstrous nature. The townsfolk all urge Uhlir to the one to expose Kolstad since he is the one who was the "sole witness" of Kolstads monstrous state. To Uhlir Kolstad is just a person, who will be killed by the trial and then he thinks he can live his life without the fear of betrayal.

Kolstad is stunned and shocked and hurt in ways that cannot be simply described in words. They decide that if they want to see a monster they have no choice but to oblige. They reveal their giant ice void fear being form and thats when Uhlir realizes the severity of the mistake they have made. He only understand that Kolstad literally never had any intent to hurt him or anyone once its too late. Hes left genuinely wordless and the rationality in his brain finally clicks on and he kinda just gawks in horror at what he has just done.

Of course now theres no fixing the situation, theres no chance of redemption, no possibility of going back to how things were. The towns people are in hysterics and chuck whatever they can grab at Kolstad out of fear and rage and they just, sadly, slowly, leave. There is nothing for them to to say and they have no heart to attempt to "fix" a completely ruined situation. Once Kolstad has left/ been chased out of the town Uhlir is congratulated by the townspeople for ridding their area of such an evil being. Uhlir is just shell shocked and wants to crawl down his own throat and die.

Uhlir attemps to find Kolstad for months after this but theyre long gone, and they have No intentions of coming back. You really wanged that one up, Uhlir. Good Job.

The whole situation fucked Kolstad up so bad they wandered forests in complete isolation for nearly 70 years just kinda attempting to come to terms with what happened. They slowly began to re-assimilate into human society but has been on a much more down low level. Only in the Present Time have they began to make 'friends' again, but even then they hold people at an arms length. Its been actual centuries and its still something they get upset about from time to time.

Uhlir's whereabouts are unknown and he may or may not be alive anymore but lord knows he  regretted everything Way too late.

[ambiguoussavior]

dave memories masterpost

i was a seer of heart, rose was a knight of light, and dirk was a prince of time

as seer of heart, i had the ability to see the intent in others’ hearts, their emotions, and how best to manipulate/mediate. i was also able to connect to other versions of myself in other timelines. all other daves were time players, so through the soul connection i had with them, i was able to borrow their timehopping abilities for short bursts. i could also see into other timelines from the alternate dave’s points of view, including seeing how conversations will play out depending on how one answered

as prince of time, dirk was able to destroy the time of others, forcibly aging them to weaken them in battle. he could also forcibly shatter himself into several clones of himself, at the cost of some of his own lifeforce (5 clones up for 1 hour = dirk aging 5 hours)

as knight of light i have no idea what that snarky broad could do. no one had any idea. rose is an enigma, who knows what’s up with her

rose and i were identical twins, both afab. i was trans, as was kanaya. if anyone else was, i have no idea

kanaya was my best friend on the meteor, bonding over being trans and how silly rose is. i called her naya, nana, kan, anything but her full name. at her and rose’s wedding, i borrowed some of the alternate dave’s powers to walk them both down the aisle. karkat wanted to walk naya but was too nervous

i never had a crush on john or rose. i might’ve had one on jade but childhood emotions are hard to figure out. her and i dated for a bit but decided we didn’t really like each other that way.

me and john were good bros and that’s really all there is to say on the matter

my chumhandle was AmbiguousSaviour

bro sucked even worse than in canon in a lot of ways. i didn’t really realize how shitty it was until accidentally mentioning a “funny” anecdote to rose on the meteor and her freaking out, and the fact that she was showing more motion than i had ever seen on my behalf was a big part of what made me finally realize something was fucked. bros shitty treatment of me made it really hard to trust dirk for a long time, even after the rooftop vent session before fighting the jacks

i only started trusting dirk because i overheard him defending me in an issue with vriska (somehow my vriska was the hugest dick ever, worse than other timelines (i checked)) 

vriska: something something Dave is weak somet- dirk: hey what the fuck you did not just say what i thought you said? do you even know the shit his bro put him through growing up? vriska: well yeah we watched them grow up but i still think he could suck it up- dirk: *fucking DECKS HER*

even if i couldn’t see intent, the fact that he didnt know i could hear wouldve been a dead giveaway that he wasn’t doing that to try to impress me or something, he just genuinely cared about me and wanted to defend me, aka something bro never showed ANY signs of

jake and i ended up being really good friends. both of us had really weird, nigh unintelligible ways of speaking, but somehow we could both understand the meaning despite not understanding the specific words. we practically developed our own secret language based entirely on body language and tone

jake: *some gobbledygook with old english words* me: *some gibberish rant at 200 mph* roxy: what me: oh we’re going to the movies roxy: ???????????????????????? 

eventually it evolved into basically our own super subtle form of sign language (subtle enough other peple literally couldnt tell we were doing it)

me, jake, and a couple other ppl all sitting together in a room me and jake: *telepathy decide we’re gonna go do something else and both stand up at the same time* others: where r you guys going jake: oh me and dave here just decided to go (whatever other thing) others: but neither of you said anything? you werent even texting you just looked at each other me: yeah.... so......? others: ???????????????????

you best believe i called roxy mom as often as humanly possible

in fact it caught on on earth c and all the various subjects ended up calling her that too

me and terezi were pretty much the same as canon except without the awkward flirting

gamzee never went murderclown! he was sober the whole game and he was just so sweet and soft, he and i ended up pale as fuck monorails

tall soft lanky clownboi

me and karkat were very flush from about the second year on the meteor onwards

godtier body got a dick and it was awesome

when rose and i delivered the tumor, we ended up bonding a lot before godtiering (which says a lot given that we were already super close). that was the first time i ever saw her show real fear (not the last though, i think going grimdark forced her to start expressing emotions more instead of bottling it up anymore)

i never really interacted with jane much beyond getting introduced and saying hi when i visited the rest of the crockarleybertlish family. basically she was like a distant cousin

kanaya and karkat were moirails

partway through the meteor trip the trolls all got together and decided to pretty much abandon total monogamy when it came to pale relationships, given the way the humans just didn’t really know how to compartmentalize those feelings. basically the trolls just went “ok the humans are stupid and cant control their emotions so lets just all promise not to get jealous over minor vents or whatever.” they were still considered real relationships, however it wasnt a “youre not allowed to listen to other peoples problems and you have to make sure to only vent to one person” type thing anymore

similarly they decided that quadrant overlap wasnt as big of a deal anymore, so like acting a bit red in a pale relationship was fine, acting pale in a black relationship, etc (that ones also because the humans are dumb)

and by “the humans are dumb) i of course mean “the trolls were all secretly tired of it because alternian society was a shitstorm but they were afraid the other trolls would make fun of them so they blamed it on the humans to save face”

we did win the game eventually

the mayor was perfect and wonderful and the light of my life, i love him so much. he was highkey everybody’s moirail just because he was a super kind person and a really good listener and was just all around nice

[susantregre]

You’re Having ANOTHER Baby?

We recently announced to family, friends and co-workers that we are expecting our fourth child.

However, not everyone shared in our joy.

“Don’t you two have anything else to do?”

“Wait, how many kids do you have at home already?”

“Can you guys even afford another?”

“This couldn’t have been planned, right?”

“Wow, a fourth. Did you even want another kid?”

Still, whatever the reasoning, the criticism didn’t catch us completely off-guard. In fact, it was something we had grown accustomed to over the years with each new addition to our family.

The day we announced our first pregnancy, people were shocked. We were too young. We couldn’t afford a baby. We were foolish and should have waited.

We seemed to get a pass on our second child under the guise of it “made sense” to give our daughter a sibling to play with.

We would not be so lucky with our third pregnancy. It seemed that people in my life just couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea of three children, two parents, all co-existing in the same home. Is it really that mind-boggling to society?

As long as we were done, then maybe we could reclaim some normalcy to our family and be responsible, stop having children and try to deal with the chaos we already had on our hands.

But, that was not in our plans.

The day after I delivered our third, I was scheduled for a tubal. My husband and I had this responsible plan laid out for months prior to my delivery. But when that day came, I burst into tears and refused to consent to the surgery. The thought that I had even agreed to this plan in the first place made me ill. My husband tried to calm me and reassured me that it was all of the hormones talking and to trust what we had decided months ago. That day, as I held my third baby in my arms, I knew right then and there that there would be a fourth. It’s incredible what our maternal instincts can speak to us if we pay close attention.

And here we are, a year and a half later, a third of the way into our fourth pregnancy. And with that brings the list of questions that are asked by everyone, including ourselves at times.

How could someone possibly want to add a sixth member to their family? A fourth baby in six years; have we gone mad? Our house is already beyond chaotic, our bank account runs extremely low and too close for comfort by the end of each month, and there are days we search for our sanity, and as hard as we search, it can’t be found — anywhere.

  Another couple years of giving my body over. Nine months of carrying this child to term, endless days and nights of discomfort. Another pregnancy of severe sickness, constant fatigue and more migraines than I can count. Once again my hormones will leave me feeling as if I’m ready to jump out of my own skin at times, let alone the up and down roller coaster my poor family has to deal with. And after this newest member of the family enters the world, I will no longer be a home for him or her, but I will be their only source of nutrients to keep them alive.

I have found myself nervous, revisiting the nights I have found myself hallucinating from not getting enough sleep for not only days, weeks or months, but rather years.

I wonder how I’ll survive as some days, I have found myself completely frustrated over numerous things that are completely out of my control, but must just be endured and pushed through. Will this new addition decrease that?

We had a clear vision of light at the end of the tunnel that has now disappeared. Now we are in for a few more years of buying and changing diapers. We’ll have another toddler to eventually potty train. More sleepless nights and long days of consoling this little unknowing angel of the torments of teething.

Patience and time. Two things that seem to drastically decrease in each of my days. My husband and three other children yearn for so much more of me; how could I find room for one more? I remember falling in love so heavily with each child, I was certain with each subsequent pregnancy I would not be able to find enough love to give to another.

There are days I find myself amazed as I handle certain situations with an evolving grace and patience. And then, more often, there are other days I find myself a mad woman, running about at 65 mph. No one is listening to me, whatever I have tried to accomplish just needs to be completed again and I feel as if I’m about to break.

I go through each pregnancy trying to hold tight to my faith. I try to chase away anxiety and fear with patience and prayer and tell myself time and time again that all of my complaining and worrying will do nothing but make matters worse. I read about tragic stories of complications during pregnancies, child birth and the hardships that all too many babies come into this world facing.

There are already times in this pregnancy when I feel run down, sick and overcome with the most intense rush of hormones. I try to make it through some of my days with white knuckles as I hold on for dear life. As tears come down, I ask myself:How in the world will I handle four? So… why another baby?

  Considering all of this, it’s still quite simple for me. I couldn’t imagine having it any other way. I get to experience, for a fourth time, what some women don’t get to experience nearly enough, or rather, never at all.

When I think of bringing another baby into the world, I’m completely overcome with awe that once again, I get to go through one of the most remarkable experiences that one could undergo on this earth: giving birth to a child. It’s the most intense and painful, yet exhilarating, phenomenon one could ever endure.

I get to find consolation in my children when not one other single person in the world understands me. You never know true peace and the best kind of heartache until your toddler wipes away one of your tears, rubs your head and looks deep into your eyes with the most warm, sympathetic, genuine gaze that any human being is capable of giving.

I get to refuel myself in the most incredible way possible after hours of pacing an inconsolable baby. When your baby finally falls fast asleep, laid perfectly against your chest as your hearts are now as one, their most perfect, tiny breath whispers in your ear. Right then and there, you wish you could hold onto this moment for longer than forever. You find yourself so still, not only for fear of waking this angel, but for fear of losing this moment.

Given the choice, would I choose another baby over a larger bank account? I’d pick a baby any day. Would I prefer to call myself rich in regards to growing numbers in my savings, or in terms of my precious, growing family? The latter has been the easiest decision of my life.

There are times where I get a short break to myself or when the kids are finally tucked in bed for the night when the silence can be almost deafening. I certainly appreciate peaceful, sleeping babies, yet I know there will come a time years down the road where our children no longer want to talk to us or be around us, and to be able to prolong that timeline puts me at such a great ease.

God willing, one day, our children will bless us with grandchildren. This leaves me feeling completely fulfilled with the utmost satisfaction. Big family, big holidays, ‘big’ love… it truly may be one of the best gifts you could receive in this lifetime.

Family, no matter what the size, is the most important thing you will ever have in this world. If only society could see babies just as they are: blessings. Oh, the battles and hardships and stressors that lay ahead for me, this I will not deny. But the abundant blessings that these miracles already have and will continue to bring to my life is truly immeasurable.

So here we are, another baby. Another body to clothe. Another tummy to feed. Another 18 years of growing expenses which then turn into car payments, college costs and weddings.

And let me tell you, I could not be happier.

The Real Deal of Parenting

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