#genuinely I gave my partner an engagement/promise ring

[helpilostmygender]

if just for once my mother could smile and say "I'm happy for you"

[anothertimdrakestan]

hello please may i request the batboys proposing to their s/o 🥺 those marriage hcs were real cute and they just got me thinking u know. thank u 🖤

How The Batfam Prosposes To Their S/O HC

ofc! thank you! check out the marriage hc HERE! this req is beyond adorable and i tried to live up to the cuteness 🥰

Dick Grayson:

- dick would be SO EXTRA dude

- he'd get all your loved ones, family, friends etc and bundle up his whole family and have them waiting to suprise you

- he seems like a proposing on your anniversary so you don't expect it guys

- if you're down for slightly public stuff he'd take you to a theme park like disneyland and you'd both spend the day with your loved ones watching tim and dami bicker over the fastest way to get to the most rides or your best friend totally simping over jason and him flirting like a motherfucker, hand in hand with dick, just happy that there's finally a perfect day where everyone is together

- imagine going up on a huge rollercoaster and dick whispering all his favorite moments with you as the cart ticks up a massive hill

- then right before the drop, dick turns to you, "what i'm really asking is: marry me y/n" and the ride drops, you screaming yes as you zoom down the massive hill and do loop de loops, your happy tears flying all over the place

- the picture they take when you drop shows you cry-screaming while dick grins like an idiot

- getting off the ride dick's brothers and your loved ones are bouncing off the walls "WHAT DID YOU SAY" y/b/f screeched as soon as you come out from the ride

- with one hand you held up the printed picture of you screaming with "she said yes!" written on the top and with the other hand you held up a brand new, gorgeous ring siting snuggly on your finger

- the rest of the day is spent hand in hand with dick, you keep walking around saying "look how pretty my ring looks next to this!" or "WAIT LET ME TAKE A PICTURE WITH MY HAND OUT" and you both get tons of adorable candid photos with various disneyland/theme parks places and items that you'll be treasuring forever

Jason Todd:

- texting jason that your boss suprisingly let your team off work a couple hours early you both made plans to meet at home for dinner together and a night in, a rarity recently with how busy you were finishing school and having a job while he had red hood duties

- coming back to your shared home there were rose petals trailing you into your bedroom, and a huge paper screen blocking you from seeing the kitchen or your dining room, but you wanted to let jason have his fun so you followed the petals

- on your bed was the outfit that makes you feel like a hot bitch and a note saying "hey angel, put this on then open the laptop" and you complied

- as soon as you put in your login a video titled "to the love of my life" which was pretty sappy for jason, but you clicked anyway

- a roughly edited video shows jason sitting down, his cheeks slightly tear stained as he says "y/n i've loved you with everything and more, more than i ever knew was possible. you taught me i deserved to be loved and you showed me how to live life to the fullest" as he continued you felt tears start to brim, jason was always more of an actions guy so these words meant everything to you

- the video was so intensely personal it had you openly crying at the end when jason smiled at the camera "hey love, you're probably crying right now - i know that because i love you beautiful. so, care to come back outside now?" the video ended and you got up, realizing what was about to happen

- at the end of your hallway was jason, dressed in a suit, his cheeks stained with tears like yours, holding out his hand for you

- trying not to fall apart you stumbled into his embrace while he kissed your head, pushing you back slightly to get on one knee with a cheesy grin

- "i didn't think i'd ever get to do this, you know i always think in the negative, but with you everything is good. so be my good, forever. be my better half, my favorite thing, my home, my girl, forever. marry me y/n" unable to speak through all the flooding emotions you just nodded, letting out an excited squeak as jason grabbed your hand, sliding a ring on the finger

- leading you into the dining room jason had whipped out his expert chef skills and made an amazing dinner, and the two of you spent the night reminiscing on old memories, hoping for amazing future moments, and just relaxing in each other's embrace

Tim Drake:

- tim is not smooth let's be real, and when you've been with him for all those years he physically cannot keep a secret from you so you knew something was up when he actually set aside 5 hours for a date night, uninterrupted

- it took about 3 tries to get dick to break and admit tim was planning on proposing that night, you expected it soon, neither of you were big on suprise public moments and were super open in communicating and had both agreed that this year was the best to finally get engaged, tim always wanted to make you feel safe and this would be no different so you weren't worried

- taking careful notice to apply only waterproof mascara you were ready for a tear filled night with the love of your life

- during the fancy dinner you were jittery and excited waiting for a ring in your pasta or a note under your napkin, but nothing, and tim was acting normal as ever, making you think he'd aborted the mission

- it was always fun having a private dinner with tim, he loved to rent out the roof of gotham building and gettting a private dinner served on top of the world, making you feel like the only person in the world

- as you finished cracking jokes, telling stories, and overall just loving each other's presence you got up and went to head down when tim grabbed your hand, pulling you into a hug whispering "ready for a little suprise my love?" while your breath caught in your chest as almost on cue a helicopter landed on the other side of the top of the building

- wind whipping around tim kept your hand in his, helping you in and securing you, putting on your headset and giving your cheek a quick peck 

- as the helicopter took off you saw gotham from god's eye view, watching as it got smaller, melting into the last few rays of sunlight, tim gave your hand a squeeze as he said "the view's almost as pretty as you y'know" with your favorite cheesy grin

- as the helicopter turned giving you a perfect view of the setting sun tim began his speech, pulling your hands into his, "y/n through every up and down you've been there, i always thought i wasn't wanted until i met you and i can never repay you for everything you've taught me, i'd give you the world if i could, but i think the next best thing is giving you me. in every moment i promise to be yours, your sidekick, your partner in crime, your secret keeper, and your lover. i will always be yours, no matter what. and tonight i'm asking you to be mine, will you marry me y/n?"

- you nodded vigorously as tim pulled out a velvet box, opening to take out a beautiful ring, slipping it on your finger while you pushed away tears

- the helicopter dropped you both off outside of gotham at one of jason's safe houses that tim had transformed into a little one night home, and it was far enough outside of gotham that you could see the stars, laying on the roof as tim listed off various constellations and you both whispered about your future together, hand in hand with your other half for the rest of your life

Damian Wayne:

- when damian told dick his plan to just ask you to marry him during patrol he got a whole lecture about the importance of making it a memorable moment and blah blah blah so damian really wanted to live up to this "life changing moment" where he's not even marrying you just asking you as if after all these years you'd suddenly say no

- so that's how you ended up packed into one of bruce's cars with titus and damiwn driving to a supposedly beautiful hiking trail

- you were genuinely concerned for damians mental health because every time there was traffic or titus needing a rest stop he looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel

- once there the hike was serene, the three of you trekking up a beautiful mountain surrounded by the fresh air

- during a particularly sweaty patch you lazily took off your shirt, hoping to get a little cooler, you normally trained in a sports bra and leggings anyway so it wasn't weird until damian refused to take his shirt off too. as you and titus sprinted forwards you teased dami "love bird i can see you sweating cmon!" but he continued to refuse and you let it go

- you'd both slowed down to a walking pace as you rounded to the top of the mountain, the view was beyond beautiful and you plopped down on the crest of the mountain, using damians lap as a pillow while titus sprawled across the both of you

- as damian mindlessly played with your hair, lightly tugging it as he stayed deep in thought you took a moment to really appriciate your boyfriend

- he's eyes shone and his jawline was slightly hardened in a way that shows he was busy in thought, your eyes traced down from his perfect lips to his neck, where you noticed a thin white string hanging around his neck slipping down behind his shirt. without thinking, and before dami could react, you tugged the string out of his shirt, a golden band with a perfect diamond met your eyes before damian could stop you from seeing it

- "d-damian is that what i think it is" you whispered, sitting up to face him while he blushed

- "beloved, i was trying to think of the words to say but you're always three steps ahead of me aren't you" he whispered, untying the string with ease and slipping the ring off of the string, he stared at the ring unable to make eye contact with you "everything i do is for you my love, and though i don't quite understand why cementing it in the eyes of a government is important, if it means i can love you for my entire life i will do anything. so please my love, my best friend, my favorite girl, marry me beloved" he finished, swallowing harshly to fight back the rogue feeling to cry

- you did not hold back. letting tears slip out while he put the ring on your finger you flung yourself into his arms and he relaxed in your embrace, titus beginning to lick your face clearing the tears while you giggled, truly on top of the world with damian, forever and always

a/n: these all got so sappy ahcowkfjr i'm such a fluff monster omg... anyways! i tried to keep them fun and interesting but i definitely air with damian on the side of thinking proposals are slightly overhyped and as an anxious bean i already get scared at the idea of everyone looking at you no matter how in love you are haha so all the proposals were kinda personal i hope that's okay lolzzz anywho! love you hope you enjoyed!

[barbasbodaciousbeard]

If You Love Someone, Let Them Go: Part 3

Summary: Since starting with SVU, Sonny hadn’t kept much terribly close to the chest. The squad knew about his family, growing up on Staten Island, the classes at Fordam. What was hidden was why he didn’t date. Sonny Carisi was also separated from his childhood sweetheart, a separation neither ever took to divorce. They had the same haunts. They’d grown up neighbors. Their paths crossed every few months, and divorce talks would turn into reminiscing would turn into a night spent together, sometimes sex sometimes just talking until the early morning. It always ended with one of them waking up alone however. How will that change when the squad finds out?

Pairings: Sonny Carisi x Original Character,

A/N: The babies. I’ve outlined like eight chapters at least, so I think this thing’s just going to go until I run out of steam. So here’s a third part already. 

Part 1 - Part 2

March 2014

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Teresa asked him for the hundredth time since he’d gotten to the church. He was just trying to tie his tie in peace, but there she was over his shoulder, just enough mimosas in her system to older sister him. 

“I can see Victoria. It’s Gina’s weddin’, T. I’m not an asshole. She’s a bridesmaid. I missed rehearsal, but apparently you paired us off to walk down the aisle. Real sensitive, by the way.”

“Don’t like cry or anything either. Or if you do, cry in the bathroom. And leave her alone during the reception. We’ve all been drinking already.”

“I can tell. Honestly, she’ll hate me if anything happens, okay? Last time I saw her I left in the morning.”

“Dominick Anthony Carisi, what the fuck did you just tell me?”

“I saw her in November. We talked. I went home with her. I realized I fundamentally fucked up and she needs better, so I panicked and took a cab home at three in the morning.”

“You mean to say you had the opportunity to make things better with Tori four months ago? And instead you royally fucked up again, and you still think you have the right to mope?”

“I don’t mope.”

“I was at Christmas. You twisted your ring on your finger for like twelve hours and cried in the bathroom when her favorite carol played. Either way, I’m checking in with her. You stay the fuck away from her, Sonny, unless you’re going to get your head out of your ass.”

“Don’t tell me what to do! We been married almost eight years!”

“You haven’t seen her but once since August. Don’t act like this is a perfect relationship. There’s not really one any more.” Just like that, Sonny was left with the groomsmen as Teresa pulled Victoria out of the bridal suite. He bounced on the balls of his feet now as he gelled his hair, not prepared to step out for pictures and actually see her again.

“You slept with Dom?” Teresa bit out, sparing no time.

“Several times?” she joked before sighing and crossing her arms as she realized that no one was going to drop it. “In November. He left. It’s fine. Proved me right.”

“I told him to leave you alone after the ceremony. I didn’t know or I wouldn’t have paired you off to walk together.”

“All the bridesmaids and groomsmen are married to or dating each other, Teresa. We can handle it. It’s what? Three minutes of walking. And who knows. Maybe I want to hang out with him.”

“And you tear up every time we’ve mentioned him the last year.”

“I can behave, okay? I put my marriage in a box and tucked it away for the day. I’ll step out if I gotta cry, but really I had enough mimosas, I can pretend everything is fine but not enough to cry or nothing.”

“Okay. I’m sorry he’s a dumbass.”

“I shouldn’t of taken him home any way. We’ll be fine. Stop being dramatic.” 

As if to prove Victoria’s point, Teresa rolled her eyes, following her back into the bridal suite. The general consensus in the family was that both of them needed to get their head out of their ass and tell each other what was happening, but neither was willing to. She didn’t know they’d already taken a chance to talk it out and ruined it. When it was time to take pictures, none of the sisters missed the way Sonny and Victoria refused to look at each other while waiting their turns. It seemed the toes of their shoes were far more interesting. 

Teresa also noticed both of them were wearing their rings, and for once, Victoria had both the band and engagement ring on, the first time since she’d left. All of his sisters had kept in touch with her, accepting the fact they needed to stop meddling for a while. No one was maid of honor or best man. Instead, all of the siblings and their partners made up the party. That meant Gianna Carisi had insisted each groomsmen and bridesmaid couple get pictures, and she refused to have a separation keep her from having pictures of Sonny and Victoria, even if she was furious at Victoria for hurting her son. 

“Our turn, Tor,” Sonny said, trying to lighten the mood. It was a delicate balance, knowing his sisters and mother were watching them so closely. 

“Pull her to you,” the photographer encouraged. “I hear you’ve been together a decade!” Suddenly, Victoria wanted the ground to swallow her up, and she wanted to know which Carisi had been talking like their relationship was doing well. Still, she followed Sonny’s lead when he took her hand and pulled her against him. His hand came to rest on the small of her back and her hand rested on his ribs, as natural as it had always been. Almost like they hadn’t been living separate lives for seven months. They smiled for the camera, and when Victoria dared to look up at him, she couldn’t help but give a genuine smile at being so close to him again. She was soon rewarded with his dimpled grin, and before her brain could stop her, she brushed the strand of his hair that had escaped the gel back into place.

“Thanks, doll,” he smiled softly, hating the moment they pulled away. It was time for Bella and Tommy, who was freshly paroled and fidgeting nervously. It felt safe to look at Victoria now, and he took her in, thankful for the dress his sister had picked for her. It was a deep green, with a sweetheart neck like her wedding dress had all those years ago. The bodice was pleated before it flowed down, and little sheer straps fell off her shoulder, fluttering around her bicep. She looked ethereal, and he loved the color on her fair skin with her red hair pinned up at the nape of her neck. She caught him staring, and he felt his cheeks flush. Their previous conversation didn’t bring either of them closure, but it got the painful stuff out of the way. He knew why she left. She felt like he’d proven her right. Maybe they could just enjoy the wedding, but together.

“You scrub up real nice, Sonny,” she said, moving to lean on the wall beside him.

“Apparently it was an elaborate ruse for ma to get pictures of us dressed up.”

“Now we got a picture like we’re married.”

“We still are.”

“We need to figure that out soon.”

“How about we just have fun today? Or are you gonna make me hang out with Tommy all day and all night?”

“Divorce talk tomorrow?”

“Deal,” he said, extending a hand that she shook gladly. The thought crossed his mind that the champagne the bridesmaids had been drinking and beers the groomsmen had may be what was taking the edge off now that they’d proven they wouldn’t break if they touched. That was what had worried him the most. He was afraid any touch would break the wall holding back the emotions of the past year. That it would set her off and he’d make her cry again. Instead, she could take his arm easily to walk down the aisle. It just made him remember their own wedding, and while neither would acknowledge it, they still loved each other. It was apparently easy to forget a separation and months of no communication when he thought about her walking to him down the aisle of the same church he’d attended growing up and his sister was now getting married in.

“I’m jealous you get flats.”  Her head came to rest on his shoulder, and he felt a contentedness he’d not felt in a long time return.

“You’re so much taller though,” he joked, pressing a kiss to her hair. 

“True. I can reach your shoulder.” She wanted to say they shouldn’t get so affectionate, but it felt like before he got distant. They were on a team, sectioned off from everyone else. 

“Normally, you’re right under my armpit. Bet this smells better.”

“Your armpit just smells like Old Spice.”

“Good to know it works. Just get through the ceremony. Kick off your shoes at the reception. Just like prom.”

“Promise to cover me? You know Ma will be after me to put them back on.”

“She’s so happy we’re being friendly that she won’t care.”

“Is it weird for you that they’re all trying to play therapist?”

“They know how much I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Sonny beamed when she threw her arms around his torso.

“You ain’t drunk, are you Tor?”

“Two glasses of champagne. Relaxed, but sober. You?”

“Couple beers. In the same boat.” The last pictures were finished, and everyone was herded to the back of the church and pairing off. Sonny looked down at her with a smile, offering his arm happily. Victoria’s hand came to rest on his forearm, and she grinned up at him.

“You look too damn good in a tux.”

“I could say the same about you in that dress.”

“If all it was going to see you two happy again was for Gina to get married sooner, I’d have made her months ago,” Bella huffed, poking her brother’s back. 

“I’d have done it!” Gina laughed.

“They’ll be weird again next week,” Teresa said, and her husband squeezed her arm. The groom’s brother and his wife shared a look that told him they were still trying to figure out the best way to handle the Carisis, and it was also apparent they hadn’t thought that both Victoria and Sonny would show up and get along.

“Shut up, all of ya,” Sonny said, his free hand resting where Victoria’s sat on his forearm. “We’re walking soon.” Victoria gave him a grateful smile, and soon enough, they were making their way to their spots. They stole glances throughout the ceremony. They were thirteen and fifteen when Teresa got married, meaning their last memory of both being in front of a church like this was their own wedding ceremony, the one his mom helped them plan for their first wedding anniversary. Sonny just kept seeing her in that perfect dress, walking to him in the church they’d always gone to together. 

Where religion was not an important part of Victoria’s life, she believed in God, but not like Sonny did. She thought God was real, but uninvolved because she couldn’t reconcile him with the bad in the world. Sonny was devout and had reconciled his belief in an involved God with what he saw in his work. If there was one thing he was certain of, and had been since the first time he kissed her, it was that God had put him on this Earth for her and her on this Earth for him. Maybe that was why he couldn’t consider a divorce. It felt like a lie. When he talked to her tomorrow, he’d tell her the truth. Tell her how he shut down processing the homicides. Communicate. He took her arm again gladly as they walked down the aisle.

“Feels familiar, huh?” he teased. Every member of the Carisi family had gotten married here, their own church ceremony included. She nudged him playfully with her shoulder, grinning. 

“Long time ago. You got even hotter. Not fair.”

“I could say the same about you.” He waggled his brows, and she laughed, something little he’d missed a lot. She could imagine coming home to him again. Imagine him coming home to her. He was relaxed, laughing and joking like he hadn’t since things were good. Tightness came to her chest as she wondered if it was because she was gone he was doing better. She pushed the thought away, refusing to consider the possibility. Maybe he was happy because she was here. Gina had told them all to sit wherever they wanted at the tables designated for the bridal party, so Sonny settled close beside Victoria, arm slung easily around her shoulders. 

“The best part about no best man or maid of honor?” he murmured, leaning against her. “No speeches. Drinks, dances, garter, bouquet, party.”

“This party? Not ready for Dominick Carisi’s moves.”

“Please, Victoria Carisi? The true talent.” He squeezed her shoulders, kissing her temple. “Can I get you a drink?”

“That’d be amazing.”

“You goin’ gin and tonic or pinot?”

“Pinot.”

“You got it, tesoro.” Now it was really like she had Sonny back. He hadn’t called her by the pet name in years, but he’d insisted it was because she was his treasure to come home to. It always made her blush, and today wasn’t any different. She could see the way his mom was looking at her, lifting a brow. Not sure what else to do, she gave a wave, and Gianna shook her head. His sisters weren’t angry at her. They saw it as just a really prolonged fight. His mom, on the other hand, was furious she’d leave him and even more furious she was dragging it out.

“Ignore her,” Sonny said, sliding a glass of wine in front of her. “She got hysterical me. The girls didn’t.”

“Hysterical?” she asked softly.

“I couldn’t figure out how to function. Bella sent ma instead of coming herself.”

“I should’ve told you in person. I’m sorry.”

“It’s in the past. We’ll figure things out tomorrow.” She cupped his cheek, smiling softly. There were too many good times, she decided. She’d tell him she didn’t want a divorce tomorrow. Maybe she’d beg him to move back in together. His hand went to rest on hers, and he held it in place, turning his head to press a gentle kiss to her wrist before he laced their fingers. Their hands rested on his lap, Gina and her new husband giving a little speech before the DJ announced the father daughter dance. 

“Are you crying already?” she teased. 

“Shut up. You know how I get at weddings.” The hand he wasn’t holding settled on his bicep as she put her head on his shoulder. They watched each dance and as Tommy and Bella joined the other unmarried couples to catch the bouquet and garter. By the time dancing started, their drinks were empty. 

“You wanna join me on the dance floor or at the buffet first, Mrs. Carisi?” He was probably taking advantage of the levity to feel like they’d never been apart, but he was going to indulge as long as he could. 

“Buffet, please.”

“Good choice. Fuel up before we show ‘em how it’s done.” They loaded up plates, settling in at the table and eating happily. He caught her up on the extended family, what she’d been doing, what he’d been doing. They hadn’t really done that last time. That had been all raw emotion and desperation for affection. This felt like they’d never been apart. There was affection, sure, but it was the same grounding touch they’d always had. 

“You hear that?” he smiled, taking her hand and pulling her towards the dance floor. Her eyes widened as she laughed, arms looping around his neck as his arms settled low around her waist. 

“It’s our first dance song,” she giggled, as they swayed off beat.

“You're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you,” he sang off key as she joined in. They could hear his sisters laughing. They still didn’t know how to dance to Queen together, but they’d been very pleased with their song choice, something that seemed to hold true.

She was giddy, a combination of the wine and normality washing over her. He spun her, pulling her close again and peppering kisses to her hair as she flung her arms around him neck. She’d left her shoes at the table before they even got food, and since he’d been wrong about how glad his mom would be to see them together, Sonny chased her off when she tried to fuss at Victoria for being barefoot, but not at any of his sisters. When the songs were the fast kind everyone danced to together, she leaned her back against him and his hands stayed on his hips. When the songs turned slow, he’d pull her against him, singing softly against her ear. 

“You goin’ back to the city?” Sonny asked as the guests filtered out.

“Yeah. I’ll be calling an uber.”

“Listen, I got a hotel room. There’s too many Carisi’s at ma’s.”

“You propositioning me, Sonny?” she teased, arm still wrapped around his waist.

“I wouldn’t turn ya down, but there’s two beds. Was sharing it with Leo, but he went home with one of the groom’s cousins. Otherwise, I’d be sleeping on your couch because you ain’t driving home or Ubering alone.”

“I’d like that,” she smiled softly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll pack up my bag and come back. I’m sure you gotta gather your stuff.”

“Deal.” He watched her go, knowing all he had was a duffel bag he’d barely bothered to unpack. She probably had a little rolling suitcase, complete with a change of clothes on top of whatever she’d worn here and the matching oversized shirts the girls all wore. 

“You gotta shit or get off the pot, Dom,” Bella said, stepping beside him with her arms crossed.

“Excuse me?”

“She’s still in love with you. You’re in love with her. Get back together or get divorced. This isn’t healthy.”

“I can’t be what she needs anymore.”

“I think tonight shows that you can. You just won’t.”

“Leave it, Bella,” he bit out. “Let me have tonight. She might leave before I wake up. Or want a divorce. Or I might not be able to tell her how I feel and make it all worse.”

“We just hate watching both of you like this.”

“She was made for me, Bella. I’m not giving her up. But if being separated and staying married is the best I get, I’m keeping it.”

“Whatever you say, Dominick,” she said, squeezing his shoulder. “It was just good to see you both happy today.” He saw Victoria coming back, leaving his sister to take the little rolling bag she had, proud to still be able to predict something she’d do. She had changed into leggings and the Fordham Law sweatshirt she’d taken when he’d first started. She took it with her, and he was proud to know that sometimes she was still walking around in his clothes. 

“Ready?” she asked, and he nodded, hand on her back as he guided her to his car. Once he loaded the bags, he opened her door, smiling as she settled in with a yawn. 

“You’re gonna be asleep before we get to the room.”

“I’m tired,” she whined. “We got here early.”

“I’ll get ya tucked in soon, Tor.” When they got there, she was out. The bags were in the trunk, so he scooped her up carefully, kicking the car closed. With some maneuvering, he opened the door to the hotel room before laying her down. He locked the door before running downstairs to get the bags and coming back. She’d wiggled her way out of her leggings and bra, settling herself under the blanket. He couldn’t help but laugh, locking the hotel door and hanging up his suit and her dress as he pulled on sweatpants. He went to the other bad, hearing a quiet protest.

“Here,” she whined, holding her arms out towards him. 

“You sure, doll?”

“Sure. Come hold me.” He obliged happily, climbing into the bed beside her. When she put her head on his chest, he smoothed her hair. The next morning would be hard, he knew. He wanted her home, but he had to tell her about how the homicides impacted him. That would be the hard part. That burden was one he didn’t want to share. He watched her sleep until he drifted off. The sun coming through the window was what woke him up, and he was ecstatic to feel the weight of Victoria still slung over his torso. She stretched as he let out a yawn, smiling up at him.

“Morning,” she whispered, smiling the sleepy smile he missed. Now he realized what she meant. He hadn’t seen that sleepy smile but a handful of times in the months before she left. 

“Morning,” he murmured, rubbing her back. He wanted to say he was scared she’d be gone, but he’d been the one to run last time. If she had, it would have been fair. 

“Breakfast before serious talk?”

“Place has room service. That okay?”

“Yeah. I’m comfy.”

“Me too.” The arm that wasn’t wrapped around her reached for the menu, showing it to her. Once they’d picked, he ordered, absentmindedly twirling her hair around his finger. She put on some movie, and he watched her face as she paid attention. 

“You’re starin’, Dom,” she teased softly, looking over at him. 

“You’re beautiful. Can’t help myself.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, doll.” She stared for a minute before leaning forward and kissing him sweetly. His heart was pounding like it did when he was seventeen and asked her to homecoming as his hands glided over her sides. Her fingers curled into his hair and a soft groan escaped him. Almost a year. It had been almost a year since they were content and lazy, kissing in bed without the plan being sex and sleep or without the desperation of the night in November. She granted him access to her mouth, and a soft gasp escaped her. He pulled back, nipping her lip lightly. Someone knocked at the door, and a disgruntled sound escaped her. He chuckled airily. 

“I’ll get the food,” he said, reluctantly detangling himself from her. Trying to walk backwards to watch her, he nearly tripped, so he opened the door, took the food and quickly scribbled a signature before hurrying back to her. 

“You’re hot when you’re flustered.” He kissed her, cheeks pink. 

“You’re just hot. Here’s your french toast.”

“Damn, that’s even hotter.” He rolled his eyes, propping himself up against the headboard as he dug into his eggs. She settled beside him, eating happily as her head came to rest on his shoulder. It was companionable silence until the food and coffee was gone, then the weight of what they needed to talk about settled. 

“What do you want to happen?” she asked softly, twisting her rings around her finger.

“My wife back,” he said simply. 

“It’s not that simple and you know it.”

“I do. But I don’t want a divorce, Tor.”

“I know. I don’t either.”

“Are you ready to tell me?”

“Tell you what?” He wanted to kick himself as soon as the words came out. He’d spent the night before thinking about what he needed to share and what could help.  When the time came though, his defenses took over. Telling her what he’d seen, how it impacted him, made him feel weak. Like he couldn’t protect her from the horrors of what he had to see. 

“That’s my answer I guess,” she said, and he could tell she was fighting tears as she got back into her leggings and grabbed her phone and bag.

“Tor, don’t go. We can talk more about this. We had a good night, didn’t we?”

“We did, Sonny, but I can’t not know why you acted like that and come home. How the hell am I supposed to trust that you won’t revert back to being absent?”

“Because it’s different now.”

“Why?”

“I’m not ready.”

“I don’t expect every detail, Sonny, but I can’t not know what’s happening in your head. Especially when it makes you act like you don’t want to be home. Like you don’t want me.”

“I want you, Victoria. More than anything.” His hand scrubbed over his face as he watched her go. Maybe this was worse than if she’d left during the night.

“Then call me when you’re ready to actually communicate, Dominick. I love you, but I can’t live like that.”

[myownworstenemyyy]

Crystal Clear - Part 2

a Javier Peña x Reader series

Word count: 2.3k (gif by @notsogreatgifs)

Warnings: alcohol ; situation involving someone cheating on their partner ; ANGST

A/N: surprise! i decided to make a mini-series out of this story (a continuation of this ask) because i just can't stop myself 😂 and I'm procrastinating writing for my other series sooo this is from Javi’s POV so enjoy the angst y’all! 💕💜 (masterlist in bio)

AO3 | fic inspired by the song Crystal Clear by Hayley Williams

I jump in with the rush in my head only to find the water was concrete

She’s engaged, Javi repeats in his head for the hundredth time since he discovered the ring on your finger. Downing his third glass of whiskey, all he can think about is the look on your face after you kissed him earlier that day.

The kiss starts out slow, almost tentative as your lips connect for the first time - is this really the first time we’ve kissed? Fuck, I’ve wasted so much time, Javi thinks when you thread your fingers through his hair. It only takes a second before he’s gripping your hips and tugging you even closer to his chest, a gasp falling from your lips when he swipes his tongue along the seam of your lips. 

As soon as you open for him, he loses his fucking mind - every desire he’s kept locked away takes form in the desperate way his mouth devours yours. But the passion isn’t one-sided, because every time your lips break apart, your hands flex along his scalp, closing the small gap between you once more.

Your mouths move hungrily against each other, like the two of you have been wandering through a desert for weeks, slowly dying of an agonizing thirst until finally discovering the source of life within one another. And that’s the only way Javier can describe how he’s truly felt about you all this time - like he’s been suffocating and you’re the air he’s been gasping for, for his entire life.

All the yearning and sorrow he’s suffered from years without acting on his feelings for you leave him in a state of depravity that no other woman he’s ever been with could cure. And no matter how hard he tried - how much liquor he drank or how many women he fucked - he could never force you out of his mind. 

Or out of his heart.

Suddenly, you pull back from the kiss, pushing against his shoulders to keep him at a distance. He grips onto your arm - not unlike the way you had held onto his arm just before admitting you couldn’t deny feeling something for him. 

Your eyes grow impossibly wide as the two of you stare at one another, chests heaving and breaths mingling in the little space that’s between you. He licks his lips, still tasting you on his skin and it takes everything in him not to pull you into his arms again. 

“I-” you swallow hard, your expression growing more worrisome, almost to the point of looking like you’re about to be sick. Your eyes fall to where your left hand rests on his shoulder as you croak out, “We shouldn’t have done that.” 

With a look of concern, Javier raises his hand to tuck back stray pieces of hair that have fallen out of your ponytail, but once his finger grazes your cheek, you flinch away, taking a step back from him. 

And he’ll never admit out loud just how deeply that small gesture pierced his heart.

You wrap your arms around yourself, not meeting his eyes as you shake your head lightly, “I shouldn’t have done that - I-I’m sorry, I can’t.” Keeping your eyes cast downward, your shoulder brushes his as you head back in the direction of your house, but he catches your elbow just before you’re out of reach. 

“Can I...see you again, bonita? Just to talk, I promise,” he pleads, hoping you’ll see the sincerity - along with the fear of losing you - in his eyes. 

You hesitate, looking around as if to make sure none of the neighbors are watching your intimate exchange with a man who isn’t your betrothed. When your eyes land on his again, they soften though they remain laced with uncertainty, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Javi.” The regretful way his name falls from your lips makes his stomach drop but your next words give him some semblance of hope. 

“I just...need some time to think, OK?” you offer him a small, reassuring smile as you bring a hand to his cheek. The gesture feels so natural and warm, yet foreign all at the same time, and all he can manage is a nod in response, his voice failing him. 

He doesn’t miss the sad glint in your eye either as you turn and walk away from him for the second time that day.

Signaling the bartender, Javier asks for another whiskey as he reaches into his jacket for his pack of cigarettes. He releases a heavy sigh as his drink is placed in front of him, if there was ever a reason to get fucking plastered, reuniting with the love of your life when she’s already engaged to another man would be right at the top of the fucking list.

The moment he felt that ring on your finger, his heart clenched painfully in his chest, because he knew - he knew he was too late and he only had himself to blame. All those years ago when he left for Columbia, he thought he was doing the right thing - that you’d be better off without him. 

When he’d learned you had feelings for him as well - because if he’s being honest with himself, he’s been in love with you since you were just kids - he was shocked, to say the least. He never once even humored the idea of having something more with you, beyond the close friendship the two of you have shared for decades. 

But the way you looked at him that night, your eyes glistening with unshed tears as you bared your soul to him, there was no way he could tell you he’d already been assigned to Columbia and was set to leave the very next day. It crushed him to hug you so close that night, knowing he was a coward for saying nothing - about how he felt the same about you, and about how he’d be gone for what was sure to be years, as the hunt for Escobar would be no easy task.

So he’d kissed you on the cheek and promised that the two of you would talk everything out the next day, though it was a complete lie. And the hopeful look you gave him - one full of love and tenderness - it pulled the air right from his lungs. But he forced himself to walk away before he changed his mind and confessed the truth to you right then and there, telling himself you deserved better than a coward like him.

You deserved the world, but he could never be the one to give it to you. 

“Something got you down, partner?” the bartender asks, a slight Southern twang in his voice. Javi resists the urge to roll his eyes at the man’s use of the word partner as he takes a drag of his cigarette before responding, “Just...lady troubles.” He’s surprised he divulged even that little bit of information, but it’s most likely due to the alcohol now weakening his inhibitions.

The bartender - who’s not much younger than Javier - offers a knowing smirk, “Ah, yup, that’ll do it.” He chuckles to himself and Javi glares at him, though the other man doesn’t seem to notice as he wipes down the counter, grinning to himself, “Glad I don’t gotta deal with that anymore.”

Javi raises an eyebrow, only slightly intrigued by the meaning behind his words as he takes a swig of his drink. The other man runs a hand through his light brown hair before continuing, “Been with my lady for years now and we’ve never had any problems - well, none that I’m aware of, at least,” he chuckles again and though the guy seems genuinely nice, something about him rubs Javi the wrong way. He’s just not sure what.

But he doesn’t have to wait long to find out as the door to the bar opens behind him, calling the bartender’s attention as he exclaims, “Well, speak of the devil - here’s my pretty lady now.” 

Javier downs the rest of his drink, deciding to head out before he gets stuck in an hour-long conversation with this guy and his pretty lady. He hears light footsteps approaching on his right and just as he sets his glass back down, he hears a familiar soft voice and freezes.

“Hi, honey. I brought you some food,” you grin as you place a large paper bag on the bar top and lean over the counter to plant a light kiss on the bartender’s - no, your fiancé’s lips. “Aw, thanks, baby - you’re too good to me. But, were your ears ringin’? ‘Cause I was just talkin’ about you with my new friend here, uh - sorry, man, what’s your name?” 

You turn with a bright smile on your face, but it quickly falls once you meet Javier’s eyes - your warm expression being replaced with one of sheer panic. Javi can only imagine what’s going through your mind right now, but he’s almost certain it’s something along the lines of “Oh, shit.”

“Javier, nice to meet you…” putting on his best poker face, he extends his hand out to you, assuming you want him to play dumb so your fiancé doesn’t suspect Javier had his tongue down your throat just hours before. 

As if this situation wasn’t fucked enough already.

You clear your throat a little too harshly as you extend your hand out to him, saying, “Y/N, it’s...nice to meet you, too,” and when your skin comes into contact with his, it sends a shock up his arm and straight to his heart. 

While Javier’s world is tilting on its axis, the bartender sifts through the bag you brought - seemingly unaware of the shift in the air. “Baby, did you bring your momma’s hot sauce?” he looks at you expectantly, though your eyes are still fixed on Javier. 

“Uh - oh, n-no. Shit, I forgot, sorry,” you turn and offer an apologetic smile that appears strained, at least to Javier’s eyes. Este pendejo doesn’t have a clue, does he?

“You feelin’ okay? You look a little pale, darlin’,” the bartender - what the fuck is his name - asks with a look of concern, and Javi almost feels bad for the guy. Or at least he would if he wasn’t currently engaged to the love of Javi’s life.

“Yeah, I’m just...tired. I was outside most of the day, trying to fix the garden,” your voice evens out as you speak and Javier can’t help but admire your talent for masking the anxiety that must be coursing through your veins. She’s almost as good a liar as I am.

The other guy is about to respond when someone catches his attention on the far side of the room, “Gimme a minute. Don’t go anywhere, baby, and I’ll fix you another drink when I get back - OK, partner?,” he winks before sauntering off in the direction of where he was called from.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, Javier laughs, the alcohol in his system making the whole situation seem much less serious than it is, “Really, bonita? Him? Since when have you been into gringos?” His words come out harsher than he intends as he glares at you and you glare right back at him with a fire crackling in your eyes.

“Since a couple of years after a certain tontito left the country and never even tried to contact me again,” your words land like a blow to the stomach and Javi visibly winces before you continue, “and he’s actually a really kind person - he doesn’t deserve this.” You sigh as you plop down on a bar stool, making sure to keep one empty between you and Javier. 

“And what exactly is...this? I’d love to know,” he rests his elbow on the counter, leaning his head onto his hand as he angles his body toward you. “I mean, we didn’t exactly go over all the details after you had your tongue in my mouth,” you gasp at his lewd comment, but he remains unfazed as he continues, “por favor, dime qué somos tu y yo, bonita.” His words are starting to slur and his vision’s a little fuzzy but he can still make out the blush on your cheeks.

“Keep it down, will you?” you whisper harshly as you lean closer to him, planting a hand on the empty stool between you. “This,” you gesture between the two of you, “is nothing, OK? I can’t - I won’t put Jackson though that,” you lean back, your expression stern, yet weary.

So the pendejo’s name is Jackson then. Typical southern name to match his southern accent.

“Through what?” Javi asks and he knows he’s being an asshole, but that’s easier than admitting that his heart is shattering with each minute he spends looking at your beautiful face, knowing that you belong to someone else.

“I’m not doing this with you, Javi. We’re - we’re not even friends anymore, so let’s just leave it alone and...go our separate ways,” you nod as if trying to convince yourself this is the best option for everyone, but your eyes say different. Even in his intoxicated state, he can see the confusion and stress that plagues your features. At that moment, he’d give anything to hold you in his arms and kiss away all your sorrows.

“Bonita-” he starts but is stopped short by the bartend- Jackson rejoining the two of you, “Oh, “bonita” - that means pretty, right?” He grins between the two of you as if he didn’t just intrude on one of the most painful conversations of Javier’s life. 

And the way he said “bonita” is the last straw for Javier. Clenching his jaw, he slips off his stool with surprising ease and pulls his wallet out of his back pocket, his cigarette long forgotten in the ashtray on the bar.

He mumbles, “Yeah, it means pretty-” he looks at you with a level of intensity that makes your heart race, “or beautiful.” 

Dropping a few bills on the wooden surface, he nods his thanks to Jackson while clenching his fist at his side and turns to you once more, a wistful look in his eyes, “Nos vemos...bonita.”

And he walks out of the bar, his soul in tatters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Translations:

pendejo - dumbass

gringos - white men

tontito - idiot

por favor, dime qué somos tu y yo - please, tell me what we are.

nos vemos - see you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

aaaahhhhh what’d y’all think?? i hope you don’t mind I'm taking a tiny break from Mariposa - i got stuck so i decided to just do another series lmao fuck

thanks for reading! 💜

tag list: 

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[hanatiny]

[9:04] His Aurora

a/n: can be read as a standalone fic, a few things were referenced from this though~

pairing: Hongjoong x reader

genre: fluff, gets slightly suggestive near the end

word count: 939

warnings: a pretty long flashback, but I promise it’s very soft and cute 😚

You sat next to Hongjoong against your shared bed’s headboard, your head leaning against his shoulders as you draped your legs over his, mindlessly scrolling through social media on your dimmed phone. It hasn’t been very long since you woke up, so you didn’t want to strain your eyes too much too soon.

He gave an acknowledging, appreciative hum while he continued talking on the phone, gently messing with your hair, as he tended to do when he needed a distraction of any kind. It was a habit he had never quite gotten rid of, though not one you’d ever complain about, loving it more than you let on at times. After all, it had been more than 1 and a half years since you’ve openly expressed your adoration of his hair, so it was only fair to you that you’d let him play with yours too. You twirled a strand of his own hair around your finger and put your phone down to instead gaze lovingly at your fiance and then the expensive ring wrapped around your finger, thinking about when he proposed; it seemed like just yesterday to you, yet it must have been almost a year ago by now. It was difficult to find an appropriate time for a ceremony, considering his idol lifestyle, but you didn’t mind in the slightest, willing to wait for as long as it took.

He had told you about his initial, arguably more romantic idea afterwards - Hongjoong wanted to take you stargazing after dinner on a particularly clear summer night and pop the question then, but it didn’t even come to that. With the moonlight creeping through the curtains of your bedroom and illuminating your features so perfectly while you got ready for the date, he couldn’t help but start fidgeting and try to avoid looking at you as a soft blush tinted his handsome face pink. You noticed when he stopped responding to what you were saying, pausing what you were doing and putting down the hair brush to look over at your partner and tilt your head at him in confusion, slightly worried.

“Joongie, love, are you alright? You’ve gone awfully quiet…” He snapped out of his daze to look at your face, your shining eyes, your soft lips— And that was when he knew. You were, without a doubt, the light of his life. His Aurora. He had to do it. Now. He couldn’t possibly wait any longer to make you his forever. He fumbled for the ring in his pocket, dropping to one knee with a deep, shaky breath.

“My angel, I had this entire elaborate speech planned for this, for later tonight… But I can’t wait anymore.” He paused, your eyes widening in realization. “I… I love you, more than you could ever imagine. You’re absolutely beautiful, your voice, especially your laugh, is adorable, you’ve been by my side for so long, and with your love you’ve given me a reason to come home from the studio every night, just so I can hold you in my arms and fall asleep and wake up next to you. So, please… will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me, Princess?” He bit his lip anxiously, avoiding eye contact, and you couldn’t keep yourself from giggling softly, not used to seeing the love of your life at such a loss for words. “Of course I’ll marry you, my dear. The answer’s yes, as it has been from the very first day, and always will be. I love you too~” You cooed at him, his expression priceless as you took the ring from his hands, inspecting it in genuine curiosity before slipping it onto your ring finger. “It fits perfectly~ I love it so much, but I love you even more.” Still gaping, he got up off his knee and you captured his lips with yours, gently pushing him to the bed to straddle him. Needless to say, the two of you did not go out to get dinner and stargaze together that night…

You came back to reality when Hongjoong snapped his fingers in front of your face a few times, his earlier phone call long forgotten by the looks of it, your hand still tangled in his messy blue locks.

“You good, kitten? You looked a little lost in thought there.” “Mh~ I was just thinking about one of the happiest days in my life.” You sheepishly confessed, smiling at him and playing with your engagement ring bashfully. “Ah~ I see, that explains it. I still remember that night as clearly as ever, for what it’s worth~” he teased with a seductive wink, chuckling when your face flushed a bright red. “I’m only messing with you, love. Although…” he paused with a hum, shuffling around until you were properly sat in his lap and looking at him. “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind refreshing my memory a little, hm~?” His warm breath fanned over your lips, mingling with your own as your pupils dilated ever-so-slightly and you bit your lip before answering. “I suppose it can’t hurt…” you mumbled before pushing your lips to his and keeping a tight grip on his hair, melding together effortlessly as you rolled over on the bed.

You had to shower and eventually take care of breakfast, but you concluded that that could wait. After all, all that mattered right now was that you and Hongjoong had each other. People always say that nothing is forever, that ‘everything is just a moment’ and will fade away sooner or later, but you were determined to prove them wrong. Together.

[anna-justice]

I Do - Upstead

Summary: It’s the most important day of Hailey’s life and like always, Jay is right beside her.

Warnings: Swearing?

Requested: Yes! #19, “Do you know how hard it is to love someone when you know they don’t feel the same way?”

…

Jay wasn’t exactly sure what he had done wrong that had put him on the path to where he was now: seated in between Adam and Trudy at his partners wedding.

The rest of the unit was buzzing, excited for their friend and coworker. And of course Jay was happy for her, that was all he wanted, for her to be happy. Even if that meant her being with someone other than him.

He sat still in his seat, unphased by the chattering around him. Kevin and Mouch occupied the other seats around them, along with a few more miscellaneous members of the force and several from the CFD. It was a big venue and it was almost entirely full. He was in the second row, the only people in front of him being Hailey’s brothers and their families.

He was trying to keep a smile on his face, it was Hailey’s day and he refused to ruin it. He could mope at home, alone, with the full bottle of whiskey he had bought specifically for this day after Hailey finished off the last one.

…

2 weeks earlier

…

It had been over a year since Hailey returned from New York, but the consequences of the trip hit Jay like a punch to the gut everyday. Hailey was gone for almost three months, leaving a heartbroken and anxious Jay behind. He was convinced that she felt the same way as he did, but after months of nothing leading up to her departure, he figured it was time to move on.

So he tried, after spending the first few weeks in a trance, dragging his feet across the bullpen floor, he went on a date. It was unsuccessful, to put it kindly. He would admit, he was an ass. She was a sweet girl, but she wasn’t Hailey.

A month and several dates later, he met Laney. She was beautiful, funny and very successful. It was by chance that they met, she was a lawyer and she and Jay just happened to cross paths during a case. Jay took it as a sign, she fell into his lap and he was obviously attracted to her. So, they went out and by the time Hailey finally returned from New York, Jay had a girlfriend.

Hailey had spent her entire stay in the big city fantasizing about a possible relationship with her green eyed partner. Which was scary for her, because she wasn’t one to usually day dream, especially about a man. So, when she landed at O’Hare, she had an entire speech prepared.

Just like he said he would be, Jay was there to pick her up. Giving her a tight hug when she reached the mouth of the terminal. It was like she hadn’t even left. Of course she remembered that he had promised her Bartoli’s, she had been waiting for it for weeks, but she wasn’t sure he did.

They were in his truck, where the two had sat together a million times, but something felt different. Hailey didn’t like the uneasy feeling in her stomach, so she spoke up. “You still want to get Bartoli’s? I miss Chicago deep dish.”

Jay smiled softly, chuckling at the phrase that Hailey had texted him so many times over the past few months. He was about to say yes, but then he remembered that he had plans with his girlfriend. His girlfriend that Hailey knew nothing about. “I would love to, but I can’t. I have plans. Can we take a raincheck?”

“Yeah, sure.” Hailey said, trying her best to hide her somber expression. Jay nodded, focusing his eyes back on the road. “Who do you have plans with?” She asked.

Jay’s breath caught in the back of his throat. He had spent the last few weeks developing real feelings for Laney. She was an amazing girl, and he owed it to himself to give their relationship a real shot. But, with Hailey finally sitting next to him again, he couldn’t even remember her name.”Oh, uh, Laney. My girlfriend.”

The last word sent a shock through Hailey’s heart, she had spent months convincing herself that Jay loved her too. Now she realized she was wrong the entire time and it hurt like hell. It felt like her whole world was crashing down around her. “That’s great Jay, I’m happy for you.” She said, as genuinely as she could. She turned away from him, looking out the window to mask the tears gathering in her eyes.

Jay hadn’t been with anyone since Camilla, and they both agree that he was only with her to deal with the pain of losing Erin (and his PTSD). There had been no one since then, and Hailey had just always assumed that she had time. Time to confess her feelings, time to show him how great they would be together. To her, he had always been hers. Apparently she was wrong.

The next night Hailey found herself at a bar other than Molly’s, drinking alone. It was strange, not celebrating her return with her unit, but she didn;t feel like she had anything to celebrate. She started back at the CPD the next day and she needed a quick and easy remedy for her feelings for her partner. At the moment that solution was tequila. That was until a tall, dark and handsome man approached her. She realized that in her half drunken state, if she squinted she could pretend he was Jay.

“Hi, I’m Brandon.” He said, taking the stool next to her.

Hailey gave him a small smile. “Hailey.”

“Can I buy you a drink, Hailey?” He asked.

Hailey smirked, “I’d like that.”

After a night of drinking turned into a first date and then to a second. Hailey found herself with a relationship of her own. And even though she knew that a small part of her heart would always belong to Jay Halstead, she was perfectly okay with trying to be at least content with someone else.

When contentment turned to love and then eventually a marriage proposal, Hailey found herself saying yes. She loved Brandon and Jay was still with Laney, so she decided to give herself a chance at happiness.

And even after all of that, somehow, Hailey and Jay found themselves in their current situation. “The thing that works,” also known as Jay’s coping mechanism, was in full swing. It was an activity that never left them. Even though they were both with other people, they were still partners, still best friends. And unbeknownst to the other, they had both decided that having to share their person with someone else was better than not being in each other’s lives at all.

It had been a while since they had a drink on Jay’s couch together, Hailey had been busy wedding planning and Jay was spending most of that time with Laney, but that wasn’t possible anymore. The reason for that night's drinking antics was Jay getting dumped.

After a year together, Laney chose to end things. Jay told Hailey that the feelings faded and they weren’t happy anymore, but really, Laney told Jay that she refused to love a man that loved someone else. The realization had hit Jay like an 18-wheeler. He had been pushing his feelings for his best friend away for so long and with one sentence they came flooding back with a force like never before. He lost count of how many times he apologized to her, but Laney wasn’t having it. Her only response was “I knew from the beginning that you loved her, it’s my fault. Do you know how hard it is to love someone when you know that they don’t feel the same way?”

Jay wanted to say yes, but he realized that it would be counter productive.She left his apartment in a hurry, stating that she would be back for her things some other time. Jay stood in the middle of his living room for a long time before heading to grab a beer. The “save the date” card pinned to his fridge catching his eye as he closed the door. He felt physical pain as he stared at the photo. Hailey was grinning ear to ear, holding up her hand while pointing to the ring on her finger. He glared at the man whose arms were wrapped around her waist. He downed the whole bottle, barely feeling the buzz, he grabbed his phone and called the last person he should have, but he didn’t care. He needed her, in whatever way he could have her.

An hour later Hailey was sitting in front of him, a glass in her hand. She was trying to console him, it was obvious he was heartbroken, but she didn’t know what to do.

If Jay was honest, the breakup with Laney wasn’t really the source of his sadness. Once again he was alone, drowning in his love for his best friend, only this time she was engaged to be married in two weeks. What the hell was he supposed to do with that? So, while Hailey was trying to help with work through the pain of Laney leaving him, he was nursing his own wound, that she unknowingly kept cutting deeper.

Hailey was a bit of a mess, she was two weeks away from her wedding> A wedding that Jay was supposed to bring Laney to. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, they were supposed to be happy with other people, she wasn’t supposed to love him anymore. She had only allowed him a tiny piece of her heart so long ago and now after all the time he was starting to take over again. She convinced herself that it was only because he was single again, she was letting her mind run wild with “what ifs.” That was all they were, but what if she was making the biggest mistake of her life by letting him go?

…

The sound of music pulled Jay back to reality. The reality that he was pretending wasn’t real. He ignored his friend's sympathetic looks and turned his attention to the aisle like everyone else. Brandon and the pastor came first, standing at the front. Next came Kim, whose arm was linked with one of Brandon’s groomsmen. Next came Vanessa, who walked down with the best man since she was the maid of honor.

The anticipation was eating away at Jay as the music changed and a little girl made her way down the aisle throwing flowers. He recognized her as Hailey’s niece Clara, who was her oldest brother’s daughter.

They all stood as she reached the front and everything else after that seemed to happen in slow motion. The doors at the back of the church swung open to reveal Hailey and Hank, who she had asked to accompany her down the aisle. Jay felt a smile grace his face, she looked breathtaking. She was smiling wide as she walked down the aisle, her blonde hair pinned back with a amiple veil flowing behind it. Her dress was beautiful, yet simple, with a deep neck and long sleeves. It hugged her figure until it fanned out slightly at the waist. For a second Jay forgot that he wasn’t the one standing at the altar.

He was reminded of the depressing fact when the two made eye contact and he watched Hailey’s smile falter. However she recovered quickly as she looked back at her husband to be. When she reached the front of the church and everyone sat down Jay wished the ground would swallow him up. It was over, officially, Hailey Anne Upton was no longer his, not even in his mind. He couldn’t let himself dream anymore, not of her.

It all hit him so fast, the thought of her being Detective Moore instead of Detective Upton (even though Hailey wasn’t one to change her last name) was unfathomable. There would be no more night of him crashing on her and Vanessa’s couch. She wouldn’t stay at Molly’s til last call with him anymore, she would be a married woman. She was going to have someone to go home to, someone that wasn’t him.

He could feel the anger building in his stomach, none of this was Hailey. She had always told him that she didn’t want a big white wedding, she didn’t need one. But here she was, getting married in a church, in a gown with hundreds of people watching. It wasn’t Hailey and everyone here knew that, well everyone except for Brandon.

He was so buried in his own thoughts that he didn’t even hear Brandon say “I do.” Now it was Hailey’s turn and he tried not to read into how nervous she looked.

“Do you, Hailey Anne Upton, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” The preacher asked.

Jay watched as Hailey took a deep breath, she looked around the room, before briefly meeting his gaze. Jay held his breath, this was her last chance, their last chance. Hailey looked back to Brandon. “I do.”

In that moment Jay felt his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces and there was no doubt that everyone around him could see it. He met Vanessa’s eyes and she gave him a sympathetic look, but Jay just shook his head. It took everything in him not to get up and walk out, the pain was becoming too much.

The preacher began again, “Brandon and Hailey’s closest friends and family are here today to bear witness to their union. Will you promise to love and support their marriage in all the days to come? If so, please respond: We will.” As a chorus of “we wills” sounded around him, he stayed silent. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, even for Hailey’s sake. “Now, if there is anyone who objects to this union. Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The room was so quiet that Jay was pretty sure that everyone around him could hear his heart beating out of his chest. He loved Hailey with everything in him, he loved her so much that he was willing to come watch her marry someone else, but he loved her too much to let her make this mistake.

Before the preacher could continue Jay jumped out of his seat and everyone in the room gasped, pulling the couples attention to him. Jay looked at Brandon, who was glaring daggers at him, and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. But he didn’t care, because the look on Hailey’s face was the reassurance that he needed to continue.

“I love you.” He blurted out, earning another shocked gasp from the congregation. He jumped over Adam and Kevin and made his way into the aisle. “I love you, Hailey. I do. I have loved you for as long as I can remember and I’m sorry, but I can’t let you marry him without knowing that.” He rushed. “I’m going to walk out of here, and if you don’t feel the same way, I hope you have the happiest and most fulfilling marriage anyone could ask for. But, if you think that you could love me even a fraction as much as I love you, meet me outside.” With that, he turned and high tailed it out of the church, avoiding everyone’s gaze as he left.

Hailey stood at the altar in shock, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t breathe. She had no idea what to think. She looked to her bridesmaids, her closest friends, and they both gave her bright smiles. Vanessa grabbed her hand and squeezed, “If you want to stay here, I will carry your train out. But if you want to go to him, I will happily drive the getaway car.” She said in a low whisper.

“Hailey?” Brandon asked, panicking.

Hailey turned back to her, tears in her eyes. She handed Vanessa her bouquet and grabbed his hands, saying the three words that would change her life forever.

Jay paced back and forth outside of the church, it had been several minutes and at first he was convinced that Hailey would follow him out. Apparently he was wrong, and now he had lost her forever. He doubted there was anything left of their friendship left to salvage.

He turned away from the building and started the long walk to his truck, feeling his heart throb in his chest. “Jay!” Someone shouted and he spun around.

Hailey stood there, in her wedding dress, but without the veil and bouquet. He was almost sure he was hallucinating. “You, you came?”

Hailey nodded, her voice shaky from the tears she had shed at the altar. The words, “I’m so sorry,” being repeated to Bradon so many times before she chased after Jay. “Yeah.” She sighed out, shrugging.

They took a few cautious steps toward one another, before breaking into a full sprint. They met in the middle, Jay holding her face as he pushed his lips to hers. Time felt like it was frozen, like the two of them were the only people in the world. Hailey wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer, deepening the kiss.

After a long time Jay pulled away, pressing their foreheads together. “Let’s get out of here.”

Hailey nodded as she smiled big, squealing as Jay swept her off her feet and into his arms. They made their way to his truck, laughing the whole way. When they got there that sat in silence, just smiling at each other. Jay reached across the center console, placing a hand on her cheek and brushing his thumb over the soft skin. Hailey breathed out contently, closing her eyes.

“You look amazing and I’m sorry I ruined your wedding.” He said and Hailey laughed.

“I don’t think you ruined it.” She said, placing her hand on top of his. “Well, at least not for me.”

Jay smiled, “I love you, Hailey Upton. And one day, we are going to do this all again, however you want to and I am going to make you Hailey Halstead, or Hailey Upton-Halstead or just Hailey Upton because as long as you are my wife I don’t ca-”

Hailey cut him off with a kiss, practically throwing herself into him. Jay grinned into the kiss, bringing his hand to her perfectly curled hair. This time Hailey pulled away, pressing one more peck to his lips before putting some distance between them. “Jay Halstead, I cannot wait to be your wife.”

…

A/N: This was so long, I’m sorry! I had so much fun writing this and it might be one of my favorite things I have ever written! I’m sorry if it seemed super unrealistic or all over the place, but I loved writing it so much. Thank you for reading!

[royalblue-star]

helpless- zuko

Pairing: Zuko x Raeder

Summary: This pic was based off of Helpless from the musical Hamilton! Zuko and the reader have been secretly engaged for a long time. And the secret starts to come out once the Gaang notices that reader is wearing an engagement ring.

(gif not mine)

"So (Y?N)," teased Sokka. "Who's the lucky man?"

His gaze was set on my ring finger, and I had forgotten to remove the ruby ring that Zuko gave me.

See, Zuko and I had been secretly dating for years now. My father and I had worked closely with the Fire Lord when the two of us met. We had only been dating for a year before his banishment, and even then we managed to keep our relationship strong. I would send him letters using one of my father's hawks, and he would reply as fast as he could. When he returned, our relationship became a little rocky. But when he found himself and asked me to escape with him, it began to blossom again. He knew of my hatred towards the war and of how poorly I was treated among other court members. This way, we wouldn't have to be apart any longer. He gave me a ring as a promise of the proposal once the war was over. But neither of us had actually told the rest of the Gaang about our relationship.

"Oh, I-'

"Is it some guy who works for the Fire nation?"

"No! He doesn't work for them!" I blushed, trying my best to not look at Zuko.

"How did you two meet? Oh! That must be an interesting story!" The water tribe boy exclaimed, gaining the attention of everyone else in the Gaang.

"What are you going on about Sokka?" questioned an exasperated Katara.

"Somethin' about (Y/N) being engaged," Toph said nonchalantly.

I sent the earthbender a glare she couldn't see. This was not how I intended to tell the group about Zuko and I. Honestly, I hadn't intended to tell them at all.

"Well, I could use a story." Aang chimed in, his eyes wide and full of an innocent curiosity.

"That's a good idea!" joked Zuko. "Why don't you tell us how you two met (Y/N)."

'Traitor.' I thought, glaring at the fire nation boy. He knew what he was doing. He was egging them on because it was me who was being questioned, not him. Oh, if it was him, he'd be singing a different tune.

"Well, we met a few years ago. The Fire Lord's advisors thought that it would be a great idea to hold an evening gathering, or party, for all the members of the court..."

~

"We are going to break so many hearts tonight!" exclaimed my sister, Angelica.

"You are, that's for sure." I grinned at her, looping my arm through hers.

"Shut up! Have you not seen yourself! You look gorgeous!"

The two of us made quite an entrance, entering the party. It seemed as if all the eyes in the room had turned toward us. I glanced over at my sister as we descended the steps. She looked as if she was glowing under the candlelit room. Her gown as a simmering gold that caught the light perfectly every time she moved. I chose to contrast her with a simple dark red gown. Hers had long gold sleeves, while mine had a thin pair of straps. Her dress was light, and mine was dark, a perfect way to reflect our personalities at a party. One sister living in the spotlight, while the other shies away in the corner.  

The room was beautiful. There were sets of golden tables and chairs around the outskirts of the room for people to sit and talk at. The center was completely cleared, and couples were dancing gracefully together. There were assorted tapestries hung around on the walls. Most of them barred the symbol of the fire nation while others had various designs on them.

"Come on, let's find somewhere to sit." I urged my sister, trying to stop her bounding off into the party. As soon as we found a table, however, she was off of my arm and racing towards the dance floor, grabbing some poor gentlemen along the way. I laughed as he quickly accepted his fate as my sister's current dance partner.

She seemed to light up the room, quite literally with that dress of hers. This was Angelica's scene, not mine. She was always the more adventurous one of the two of us. I admired her for that.

For most of the night, I sat back and watched Angelica entrance most of the room with her dazzling smile. Occasionally, I would talk to someone too, but it was mainly painful small talk about my father and his work.

"You are such a bore." my sister teased, plopping down into the chair next to me. "There must be someone here that is remotely interesting to talk to."

"No, there hasn't been-" My breath hitched. Across the room, someone new caught my eye. The crowd parted to reveal a tall, handsome young man. His golden eyes shined as they roamed the crowd. He held his head high, and he seemed to radiate a sort of calmness.

'What! (Y/N) what is it?" Angelica shook my arm furiously.

"This one's mine." I was at a loss for any other words, so instead, I just pointed at him.

I was so busy shamelessly staring at the mystery guy that I failed to notice my sweet sisters smirk. She suddenly stood up and, without a word, made her way over to the man.

My stomach twisted into knots. "Angelica! What are you doing?" I hissed, but it was too late. She was already across the room.

The two of them talked briefly, but it felt like forever. My heart started to sink, they looked as if they were getting along quite well. "It's okay, there are other guys here anyway," I mumbled to myself as I tore my gaze away from my sister and the mystery guy.

I couldn't help myself, I had to sneak another glance they're direction. And I was shocked to see the two arm-in-arm headed towards me. I stumbled slightly as I stood up to greet them.

"(Y/N) (L/N)," I greeted holding out my hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"(L/N)?" He questioned while bringing my outstretched hand to his lips.

"My sister," Angelica explained quickly.

"I think I finally see a good reason to attend this party." His gaze didn't leave mine.

"As do I."

~

"Are we ever going to learn this guy's name?" exclaimed Sokka. He earned an elbow in the ribs from Katara and multiple shushings from the rest of the group.

"Well, just because you said that and interrupted me; No, you will not be getting his name." The group collectively groaned on cue.

"What the heck Sokka!" shouted Toph, throwing a rock at his head. The two inevitably started bickering.

I glanced over at Zuko quickly. He was busy laughing quietly to himself, and the sight of it made my heart warm. It had been so long since I had seen him smile genuinely. It had been long since we had been able to be formally alone together, and I missed him.

I cleared my throat loudly, and all chaos that had broken out stopped abruptly.

"Thank you. So, from there.."

~

"How about we escape this place and walk around the palace?" Mystery guy asked, offering me his arm.

"That sounds lovely." Taking his arm, he guided me through the crowd and out into the courtyard. It was beautiful, the perfect night. The moon shone above us, illuminating everything in the surrounding area. It was gorgeous.

The two of us talked for hours about anything and everything. It felt nice to talk to someone new. He didn't expect me to be a certain way, he was just interested in me. For years the only people I had talked to were my sister, my father, and some of the other generals. I didn't have any friends, but that was the life of the general's daughter. My sister and I embodied the two different paths that were laid out for us to take. One was to be married off to a general's son, or learn the ways of war and participate in council meetings. There wasn't any time for me to do anything but assist my father in meetings and breath occasionally.

I learned that Mystery Guy and I weren't so different in that respect. It gave us a common ground to fall on and a mutual understanding of one another. He told me of his past and his dreams of the future. His eyes lit up as he spoke about his passions. It felt as if I was the first person that he had truly opened up to.

"Let's stop here." He gestured to a small pond in the middle of the courtyard. It was cute, but the turtle ducks were even cuter.

For a moment, we sat in comfortable silence while the cool air surrounded us. It was at that moment that I regretted wearing a sleeveless gown.

"Are you cold?" He asked, noticing my small shivers.

"A little, but it's alright," I assured, trying to suppress another shiver. He scooted closer to me and closed the space between us by wrapping his around my bare shoulders.

He pulled me into him ever-so-slightly and asked, "Is this alright?"

Unable to trust my words, I just nodded. He was so warm that I couldn't resist leaning into him. And I mean, he didn't exactly stop me. If anything, his grip tightened. I felt at home next to him. Like I had finally found peace. The moment felt so perfect, I never wanted it to end.

"Do you think we could stay like this forever?"

"I think we can certainly try."

That was all I needed to hear. I moved my head to look up at him, and apparently, he had the same idea. Our eyes locked and I felt a new sensation wash over me. He had managed to break down every single wall that I had built up with a single look into my eyes.

He delicately brought his hand up to the side of my face. "May I?"

"Yes," I breathed out. And the next thing I know, his lips have crashed into mine. The kiss was gentle. My arms threaded themselves around his neck, pulling us just the slightest bit closer.

"Wow," I said once we broke apart.

"Wow indeed." He replied. "(Y/N) I-, I don't know how to say this, I'm not that good with words. I just wanted to say that there's something about you. Something extraordinary. And I want to be with you! I know we just met, but it feels right."

I pressed my lips gently onto his. "I would love that."

~

"..And we've been together ever since." I finished. A chorus of "aws" was heard around the campfire, but one person was laughing. It was Zuko laughing, of course. Only he would laugh at me telling this story.

"Dude shut up!" Sokka hissed at the prince. "She just told us her love story and you're laughing!"

"Sorry," Zuko managed to get out between laughs. "it's just, you make me sound so sappy. We both know that's not what I said."

"Shut up!" I gasped. "You're just embarrassed that you are extremely sappy deep down."

"You're still wrong, love."

"Okay, so I might've exaggerated a little bit of what you said, but you still got all emotional!"

"You're a dork."

"Shut up, idiot!"

Ah, how I missed our bickering. Zuko was beaming at me. He knew that he had won that fight.

"Wait a minute, he's the one that you're engaged too!" Questioned a puzzled Katara.

My eyes widened. We really did just give ourselves away.

"Surprise?" I offered meekly.

"WHAT!" Screamed Sokka. "How! How come you never told us!"

"Because," said Zuko walking up behind me. "We never told anyone. It's always been a secret."

From his position behind me, Zuko wrapped his arms around my waist. Instinctively, I leaned into him.

"So you guys have been engaged this whole time, never told anyone, and the only explanation you offer is that your relationship has always been a secret??"

Zuko and I made eye contact and the twinkle in his eyes instantly told me his next move. "Bedtime?"

"Bedtime," I confirmed. And with that, the two of us took off running towards his tent, leaving the Gaang to yell at us to come back.

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2021 - March

I had a very strange reading month in March, I read more than I usually do when studying but then fell into a reading slump in the last 10 days or so... It was all a certain book's fault!

The Burning God - R.F. Kuang (Poppy War #3)

I've already got a post somewhere explaining how I felt about The Burning God. I had a wonderful(? feels like the wrong word but I'm sticking with it) time with this series, in a morbid kind of way. It was highly worth the read and The Poppy War is one of the best debut fantasy stories I've read to date! I was slightly disappointed in some of the elements (the Trifecta still spring to mind, I was expecting so much more...) but it was a great series. Highly recommended if you haven't given them a go.

Shadow and Bone/Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo (This includes all three books, plus the Demon in the Woods)

I read this entire series back to back in the space of about 10 days... I haven't read a series this fast since I was in high school! And I LOVED it! The Grisha Trilogy is a stereotypical YA as you can get - it's clichéd, tropey, and predictable. However, I still had a fantastic time reading them, much to my surprise.

Unfortunately, I loathed Mal (don't kill me), he was one of the most toxic "heroes" I've met in YA fantasy and I'm not over the infuriating conclusion with him and Alina (if Alina had to have a partner she should have married Nikolai, come on! Roguish pirate AND a dashing prince in one man!) I'm genuinely angry that the message Bardugo gave young girls with the conclusion to Alina and Mal's relationship arc was 'sacrifice everything, including your identity, to be play housewife with a boy with such a fragile ego he ignored you for an entire book'.

I really hope the TV series removes some of his controlling and manipulative behaviour - and yes I can stomach it with the Darkling because HE IS THE VILLAIN and not framed as the paragon of virtue Mal is... I did very much like the Darkling as a hot villain, and I'm looking forward to seeing my childhood crush, Ben Barnes, do him justice ;) Seriously though, the Darkling was the most interesting character in the series, maybe tied with Nikolai, and I'm sad we didn't see more of him in the second and third books.

The Hatmakers - Tamzin Merchant

I ADORED this book! I was expecting to enjoy it but not love it, however, I fell in love. This is a debut middle grade novel set in an alternate version of 18th century London. We follow Cordelia Hatmaker, the youngest Hatmaker, attempt to find her father after he's lost at sea. The Hatmakers are an old family of magic users who make hats to effect people's mood and behaviour.

This book was so heartwarming - it was fun, sweet, and enchanting to read. I wasn't sure of Merchant's writing style at first, it was a bit too much! She's very lyrical in her style, for a children's author, and I thought it was going to grate. But it fits the tone of her world and characters so well I didn't notice it after the first few chapters. It's honestly beautifully written. Characters were great, the plot was predictable but hilarious (I'm not the target audience so that's fine), and the world was well realised, if small. Overall, it was a wonderful novel and I'd highly recommend it to everyone - I enjoyed it as much as I did Nevermoor!

There's also the BEST tiny side story about a couple of young fops who want hats to help them duel! Absolutely AMAZING and I hope they turn up in the second book!

A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini

Here is where the month fell down for me and I fell into a slump... So A Thousand Splendid Suns is the story of two women in Afghanistan during the late 20th century. We see the Russian occupation and the rise of the Taliban through their eyes, as well as the devastating effects the almost constant warfare had on Kabul and their lives. However, this is more the background to exploring these women's lives, starting with Mariam as a child in the 1950s and following her life after she's married off by her father to Rasheed. We also follow Laila, who's literally the girl next door, and how their lives intersect during the course of the novel. It is a powerful story about the strength of women, the bonds they form, and the consequences the attitudes of men have on their lives.

So I'm conflicted about this book, on the one hand I can very much see its merit. It's a beautifully written, engaging, and thought provoking novel. It's one of those reads that stick with you and you mull over for weeks afterwards. It makes you think and I am glad I've read it.

On the other hand, I HATED every second I was reading it. On top of the general misery you'd expect (given the description above), this book discusses domestic violence, marital rape, forced child abandonment, miscarriages, imprisonment, etc. You name it, it'll be here. I could see the reason for this but it made for such a miserable reading experience that I could barely keep myself going at times. I seriously considered DNFing it at the end of part 2 and the only reason I didn't is because it's my book club book.

It's one of those reads that are immensely powerful and worth while, they open your eyes and make you think. However, it's reading experience is so miserable it's hard to see whether it was actually worth it while you'rein the book. I would say give it a go if you're interested because it really is a masterpiece and beautifully achieves what it set out to do. But please do go into it having done your research and aware of the trigger warnings.

On the Currently Reading Stack

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

Technically on the pile, if we're dating this to 31st March. Although as of writing this (3rd April) I've finished this. I had fun but still don't like heist stories... Great characters though!

The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

I'm dipping in and out of this, as it's my 5th time reading it... I will finish it eventually but don't hold your breath because I'm only picking it up when I'm REALLY in the mood for Sanderson or feeling slumpy.

The Return of the King - J.R.R. Tolkien

Another long term read, I'm slowly finishing off my annotation reread of the Lord of the Rings. Very much enjoying this read but I'm taking it slowly so I can do my annotations justice.

Bleak House - Charles Dickens

Still going, it's just an enormous and slow book... I'm going to try and finish it in April but this isn't a promise...

[cakesunflower]

Reach For You [Dad!Calum AU] Ch. 18

A/N: so sorry for the......6 month wait omg. hope y’all missed Aspen, Calum, and Luna as much as i did. yeeeee happy reading!

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17

Chapter 18

“IT’S LIKE PULLING teeth, trying to get them to talk,” Mali whispered, leaning towards Aspen as she spoke, eyes on the scene in front of her rather than on the wine glass she was cleaning with a dish towel. “It’s painful to watch.”

Aspen’s throat worked. She could only see Calum’s profile from where she was standing, his dark eyes set on the television as it played Home Alone. He sat on the single lounge chair, while his mom sat on the smaller couch opposite of him and his dad and Luna occupied the other couch opposite of the TV. The two of them seemed to be in their own world, Luna having gotten along with her grandpa exceedingly well, talking amongst themselves about the movie. Calum was pretending to pay attention to the movie, while Joy was pretending not to be staring over at him occasionally.

That’s how dinner had gone. It was awkward and seemed to drag on forever, but at least Aspen had Mali on her side, the two of them making up for Calum’s silence at the table. It wasn’t like he didn’t speak at all, dropped a sentence or two here and there, but he didn’t directly speak to his parents. Well, at least not to his mom, anyway. He was still upset with his dad by association, but the true object of his anger was Joy, and he wasn’t too subtle about it either.

Not even the pretty Christmas lights they’d decorated the apartment with could bring a sense of tranquility and joy. Not to this group, anyway.

Aspen would be exasperated by his lack of trying if all of this wasn’t her doing to begin with. She called his parents behind his back. She’s the one who invited them for Christmas dinner and ambushed Calum with it. Shit, what had she been thinking?

The sound of Luna’s giggles broke through Aspen’s thoughts, and she felt herself relax a little bit. At least she could count on her daughter to lighten the mood.

“I don’t know what to do,” Aspen responded to Mali quietly, gripping the bottle of wine. She was ready to down the whole thing by herself. With a disgruntled hand running through her hair, Aspen added, “This was a terrible idea.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Mali disagreed, wiping the last glass. “You’re just trying to save Cal’s relationship with our parents, like any caring partner would want to do. It’s not your fault they’re being stubborn about this.”

Aspen wasn’t convinced. “Yeah, but—” She sighed, eyebrows drawing together in distress, looking towards the living room before her gaze met Mali’s again. In a quiet voice, she added, “I knew he wasn’t ready to move forward and I pushed him anyway. I didn’t—” Aspen paused, frowning as her gaze dropped to the counter, twisting her lips as the guilt started creeping through her veins. “I didn’t give him enough time to be angry—”

“He needs to let that anger out before it becomes too much,” Mali told her. “He needs to say his piece and try to move on. What’s done is done and no one can change the past, no matter how much we all want to, and the sooner Calum accepts it, the sooner he’ll feel that burden lift from his shoulders.”

Aspen took a breath, processing Mali’s words. She was still afraid of pushing Calum, not wanting to push him too far and have him be upset with her again—truthfully, she wasn’t even sure if they were okay from the last time they argued about the very situation. Ever since the arrival of his parents, he’s been in an off mood, which Aspen had expected, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t disappointed with his lack of trying after he said he would try. She knew she was at fault for springing all of this on him, knew that if he didn’t hold up his end of the promise then she couldn’t entirely blame him. Still, the dismay was present when all throughout dinner Calum didn’t really make conversation, didn’t engage if it wasn’t with her or his sister or Luna.

Before Aspen could say anything to Mali, Joy’s voice sounded from the living room. “I think it’s time we get going; it’s getting late.”

“No.” Aspen didn’t realize it was she who had protested Joy’s statement until all eyes were on her. Though, all Aspen could feel were Joy’s surprised ones and Calum’s irritated ones as he looked at her over his shoulder. Taking a breath, Aspen offered an encouraging smile. “We haven’t had dessert yet and I was just about to open the wine. Please stay, at least for a little bit.”

She figured, in that moment, she didn’t really want Calum’s parents to leave until at least there was some kind of step forward made. Was she pushing it? Maybe.

“We can’t force ’em if they wanna go, Aspen.” Her eyes met Calum’s dark ones, noted the silent way he told her to just let it go. To let them leave. There was a hint of edge present in the undertones of his casual voice, and Aspen fought from rolling her eyes because she knew he could’ve pretended harder if he wanted to.

“Noooo, I want Grandma and Grandpa to stay!” Luna whined, sitting up on the couch with a frown and pout on her face. Looking at Joy with a puppy dog look the five year old had terrifyingly mastered already, Luna begged, “Please stay! There’s cake and cookies.” Looking at David, she added, “Home Alone isn’t done yet.”

“Lunes,” Calum started, tone genuinely becoming soft as he addressed his daughter. “It might start snowing soon and they can’t be on the road when it does.”

Mali and Aspen both exchanged flat expressions at the lie. It wasn’t going to snow, Aspen knew for a fact, and Calum lying to Luna about it just so she’d possibly drop the subject was ridiculous. So with a lick of her lips and trying to keep her tone even, Aspen said, “Hey, Cal, can I talk to you for a second?”

His gaze met hers once again, the tension in the room returning as she nodded towards the hallway. She noted the way his throat worked in annoyance before pushing himself to his feet, and Aspen shot everyone else a quick reassuring grin as she walked out of the kitchen. They went to Calum’s bedroom and Aspen felt his presence behind her looming as they reached the room, and she shut the door behind her before turning to face him.

Together, both of them demanded simultaneously, “What the hell are you doing?”

Calum exhaled forcefully as Aspen’s eyebrows shot up. “Me? I’m trying to salvage your relationship with your parents.”

He shook his head, jaw tight before retorting, “That’s not your concern, Aspen.”

“We’re partners, Calum, so yeah, it is.”

She saw the anger flash across his face, accompanied by a sense of hurt she hadn’t expected as Calum returned, the edge back in his voice, “If we’re partners then you should be on my fuckin’ side!”

Aspen blinked on an expression of incredulity, lips parting as she inhaled a surprised breath at Calum’s accusation. There was a brief numb silence in the space of the room before Aspen’s brain caught up with her. “I am on your side, Calum,” she exclaimed, fighting to keep her voice low enough so it didn’t travel to the living room where everyone else was. But it was hard to keep her voice from raising with the surprise Calum’s accusation brought. For him to think she wasn’t with him was upsetting and insulting. “I just—I want you to say what you need to say to them and try to move past this.”

Calum gave a shake of his head, slow and defeated. “There’s nothing left to say, Aspen,” he said, voice lower yet still carrying that same level of intensity. He licked his lips as his dark eyes flickered past her and towards the door, thinking of who was currently in his living room, and he expelled a breath. Looking back at Aspen, he continued, “I’ve already said how pissed and upset I am. I’ve told her how she’s fucked up and she’s apologized and I don’t know where we go from here.”

Her heart bled for Calum and the pain he still so obviously was in, attempting to hide it behind anger and stubbornness. But she knew Calum, and as much as it hurt to see him hurt, to see how difficult it was for him to have his parents here, Aspen knew for a fact that he wouldn’t truly feel better until all of this was done with. Calum had always been so close with his parents, was a family oriented man that could be seen in his relationship with Luna, and to see his relationship with his parents crumbled into dust was heartbreaking.

Forgiving Joy wasn’t something Aspen ever thought she was capable of. For the longest time, she hated the woman for everything that happened. But holding onto those kind of strong, negative emotions wasn’t doing her any good. It was only weighing Aspen down, sometimes suffocating her, and it wasn’t until things with Calum had been mended and she finally decided to forgive his mom that Aspen could feel completely okay again. And it was no secret her accident played a big part in Aspen wanting things for Calum to be alright, too. Life was too short to remain under a dark cloud of anger.

“You move forward, bub,” Aspen told him, her own tone growing soft as she took a step towards him, green eyes never leaving his brown. “We can’t change what happened, but we can change how we go from here. I know how much it hurts you to not have your parents, your mom, in your life like you used to. I—”

“I have you and Luna,” Calum cut in, eyebrows drawing together in a subtle frown.

Aspen pressed her lips together into a kind, genuine smile. “You do,” she agreed with a nod. Calum’s throat worked as Aspen looked at him, and she felt herself take a breath. Her shoulders sank in acceptance, her hand finding his. A warmth spread through Aspen as he looked down at their joined hands, maneuvering his fingers to interlock with hers, the sensation of his cool rings one she never tired of. “And if you genuinely feel. . . Complete. . . with us—which is totally and utterly fine—then I will go back into the living room and tell your parents goodnight.”

Calum blinked a couple of times at her words, taking a breath as he lifted his chin, eyes never leaving Aspen’s. She didn’t look away, either, wanting him to know that she genuinely meant it. Sure, Aspen wanted Calum to make amends with his parents, and maybe it was a little too late to realize, but she shouldn’t have pushed him on the matter. She understood why he’d been so pissed off when she told him she’d invited his parents, understood that she’d crossed a line. If Calum genuinely did not want to engage with his parents, if he was content with not restoring a relationship, then Aspen would support him. She couldn’t force him more than she already had, not if she wanted to fuck up their relationship.

Supporting Calum was all that mattered.

“You would?”

Aspen’s smile softened, squeezing his hand, taking yet another step towards him. Her heart thudded within her chest at the look he gave her, uncharacteristically shy and looking so small, and it only reminded Aspen of how difficult this was for him. She nodded. “If that’s what you want, then yeah.”

He was silent as he considered her words, pulling his lower lip into his mouth as he chewed at it thoughtfully. She let him have his time, let him carefully think about what he wanted their next move to be. It concerned all of them, but this was Calum’s decision to ultimately make. Aspen felt badly about taking the choice away from him in the first place, and the least she could do was be by his side and support whatever he chose.

She watched the muscles in his jaw tighten, her eyebrows drawing together worriedly as he squeezed his eyes shut, head lowered as he shook it. Through gritted teeth, Calum confessed, “I want to move on but I just. . . I don’t know how.”

Aspen’s free hand lifted to cup his cheek, lifting his head to connect their gazes once again after he opened his eyes. She offered him a sweet smile. “We can figure it out together.”

They entered the living room, the credits for the movie on TV now rolling, everyone’s eyes on Calum and Aspen as they walked back in. Expectant expressions were painted across all of their faces, and Aspen took a breath before smiling at her daughter. “Hey, Lunes, why don’t you go show Aunt Mali all the presents you got, huh?”

The five year old grinned, jumping off from the couch with Duke hot on her heels as she ran over to where Mali stood, grabbing her aunt’s hand as she tugged. “Come on, Aunt Mali!”

The blonde grinned happily, letting her niece pull her along as her dark eyes met Calum and Aspen’s briefly. She understood the need to get Luna out of the room, happy to comply as she silently agreed to keep the little girl occupied.

An anticipating silence fell upon the room as Luna’s giggles soon silenced behind the closed door of her bedroom. Joy and David watched them patiently, and Aspen glanced at Calum in time to watch him take a breath before gesturing to the couches. “We should, uh, sit down, I guess.”

His parents shuffled around the coffee table, settling on the smaller couch against the wall as Aspen followed Calum to the one diagonal of them. It was silent in the room save for the ever so subtle thick clinking of the chains Calum wore, disappearing under the neckline of his full sleeved dark red sweater. He ran his fingers through his curls, ruffling the shaggy dark locks before he interlaced his fingers together. Calum bowed his head, lips parting as he ran his tongue along the inside of his lower lip, running the words through his head before he finally spoke.

“I’ve told you how I feel. . . And I know how sorry you are.” His words were slow, careful, not meeting anyone’s eyes as he uttered them. Aspen watched him, knowing he was thinking while he spoke, making sure whatever was running through his mind, whatever he was feeling in his heart, was properly articulated. “I just don’t know where we go from here—how we find. . . A sense of normalcy in all this.”

“We find it slowly, son,” David spoke up, his voice a wave of smooth calmness as he looked at Calum. He glanced at Joy before looking back at his son, adding, “This won’t be an overnight thing, we understand that. Still, we would. . .” David let out a soft sigh, his hand finding Joy’s before nodding at Calum. “We would like to try and earn back your trust.” His eyes met Aspen’s. “Both of yours.”

“That’s—” Calum breathed out with a shake of his head, wringing his fingers together as he let out a forced chuckle. Aspen pressed her teeth together as she watched him, wanting to jump in with something. Anything. But Calum needed to do this. So she resorted to resting a hand on his knee, a comforting act of encouragement. “That’s not goin’ to be easy.” Calum looked up, looked at his parents, expression a mixture of the conflict he was fighting and tiredness from it all. “You gave me everything I could’ve asked for, but took away the family I never knew I had.” Twisting his lips, Calum added, “Trust and forgiveness, that’s gonna take some time.”

Joy nodded, looking desperate for some kind of relief, some kind of step forward they all were in search for. “There’s no rush,” she assured with a somewhat nervous smile. She looked between both Calum and Aspen, and even though this was about her boyfriend getting back on the right path with his parents, Aspen was appreciative of Joy and David making her feel included in this. Her and Calum were partners; she was glad his parents saw it, too. “Take all of the time you need. Whatever you think is best for your family, it’s how we’ll deal with this, okay?”

Aspen watched as Calum rolled his lips into his mouth, considering their words. She knew that Calum, just like her, was taking note of how Joy and David were giving them the power, a vast difference from the part they’d played in when it came to the situation that led to all of this in the first place. They were in total control over what was to happen, how they were going to move from here, and the importance of that wasn’t lost on Aspen or Calum. They had basically been kids when they’d unknowingly gotten into this mess with his parents; now they were adults, with a daughter to think about and a family they had no intention of ever losing. They were finally in control, just like they should’ve been since the beginning.

Calum nodded, biting the inside of his lower lip as he sat up, shoulders straight. He sniffed, rubbing under his nose with a finger as he looked at his parents once more. Then his gaze shifted over to Aspen, his expression softening once his brown eyes met her encouraging green. A small smile tilted at his lips, hand coming to rest on top of hers that was on his knee. He took a breath, decided and sure. “Baby steps.”

She nodded along, mirroring his smile, turning her hand under his to properly hold his hand. “Yeah,” she agreed, returning the meaningful look he cast her way before shifting her gaze to his parents. “I’m sure we’ll figure this out.”

For the next hour or so, they brought Luna and Mali back out before they divulged into the wine and desserts Aspen had promised. The shift in the air was noticeable, the tension from before having dissipated significantly. Aspen sipped her wine, watching Calum finally be at ease for the first time since his parents’ arrival, Luna sitting on his lap as he held a plate with a slice of chocolate cake, feeding both himself and her. Mali had decided on playing some music, finding a Christmas playlist on Spotify, to keep the light mood in the air. Aspen figured she was maybe worried that lack of it would bring back the tension from before. Aspen found the gesture cute—and probably needed.

Joy and David didn’t leave until everything was cleared out, both Joy and Mali insisting on helping out in the kitchen to put away the dirty dishes and put the leftovers in the fridge. When it was time for Calum’s parents and sister to head out to their hotel, they all gathered by the door, Luna insisting on hugging her grandparents and aunt goodbye. As Mali pulled Aspen in for a hug, she rubbed her back before whispering, “Good job.”

Aspen let out a quiet, breathless chuckle at that, Mali grinning as they pulled away, the two of them sharing a pointed look. And then Joy stepped up in front of Aspen, bringing her a step away from everyone else, and Aspen still felt a prickle of surprise when Joy took her hand in hers and squeezed. “Thank you,” the older woman whispered, the sincerity crystal clear in her eyes. “It means a lot that you invited us. And it shows just how much you care about Calum.” A sadness swept over Joy’s face as she gave a regretful shake of her head. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before.”

Throat working, Aspen felt her heart stop for a brief moment at Joy’s apology, taking a breath. The sense of relief was only growing at this point. “I know you are,” Aspen nodded, offering a kind smile. “Thank you for coming.”

Luna ended up in her arms after hugging her grandfather goodbye, and Aspen rubbed at the little girl’s back as Luna rested her head in the crook of her neck, tired after the day’s festivities. She gently swayed her, the movement subtle yet still soothing Luna, as she watched Calum bid his mom goodnight.

“Our flight isn’t until seven tomorrow night,” Joy was saying to Calum. Aspen watched them, trying and failing not to do so, noting how small Calum’s mother looked in front of him. Not just because of their physical height difference; she took in the way Joy, a woman she’d always known to be assertive and bold in her own right, seemed to fold into herself. She hugged herself, as if she was protecting herself from any oncoming rejection, totally uncharacteristic and Aspen understood why as Joy added, “Would it be alright to see you before we go?”

She spoke with trepidation, not wanting to push her luck after only just beginning the process of making amends. Aspen watched on as Calum looked at his mother for what seemed like minutes that stretched on forever, until he finally answered with a single nod, “Yeah.”

Joy smiled in return, shoulders sinking in relief, as the goodbyes and goodnights came to a close, Calum’s parents and sister leaving with smiles and waves as they closed the door behind them. Calum let out a sigh as he locked it, the night coming to an end, turning around just in time for Aspen to whisper, “Hey, you wanna put her to bed? I’m gonna clean up the living room.”

Calum nodded, gaze shifting to a near slumbering Luna, as he stepped forward and reached for his daughter. Luna easily shifted from her mother to her father, arms lazily going around Calum’s neck as she rested her cheek on his shoulder. He felt and heard her take a breath before snuggling closer to him, and it easily brought a gentle smile to his face as he walked down the apartment and towards her bedroom.

He settled her down on the bed, switching on the bedside lamp that provided for a dull glow as opposed to the harsh brightness of the ceiling light. Calum brushed some dark curls out of Luna’s face as she sleepily smacked her lips together, and he suppressed a fond chuckle as he made his way over to the dresser to get her pajamas out. He sat down on the edge of the bed, murmuring quiet encouragements to the little girl who was seconds away from completely falling asleep as he changed her into her pajamas.

But just as Calum laid her upper half back down after putting on her shirt, thinking she was already mostly asleep, Luna spoke up. “I had fun today.” She spoke in a slow, tired drawl, a bit of a wistful hum in her voice as Calum settled her blankets over her.

He sat right next to her on the edge of the bed, hands on either side of her as he looked down to see her dark eyes blinking open. Calum smiled at the sight of her; for her to be this tired, he knew she did have fun. Despite his own issues, Calum had seen, much at the expense of his tightening jaw, that Luna had been enjoying her time with Mali and their parents. Calum hadn’t made for a much pleasant host to his parents, but Luna made up for it with a newfound excitement towards them. A childlike thrill that had, for the most part, put everyone at ease. “Yeah?” Calum mused, smiling down at her teasingly. “You liked all your presents?” They may or may not have spoiled her—Calum more so than anyone else; his first Christmas with his daughter had proven to be his favorite despite the initially unwanted presence of his parents.

“Mhm,” Luna responded, pulling the blanket up to her chin as her brown eyes met Calum’s. “I like Grandma and Grandpa, too.”

Something tightened in Calum’s chest at that, not entirely sure if it was a good or bad feeling as he heard Luna’s words. He’d been struggling with his emotions ever since his parents had arrived, knowing he hadn’t done a good job in keeping his promise to Aspen in trying to be civil. To actually try. But it hadn’t been too bad towards the end. They had made some progress, as much as they could tonight, and Calum had even agreed to see them again tomorrow before they left. That was more than he’d expected to do. And even though he’d been upset with Aspen over inviting his parents without even telling him, Calum knew his anger had dissipated at this point. Not entirely gone, of course, but slowly crumbling away. Slowly.

Calum took a breath before smiling, finger brushing away a stray curl from her face, brushing along her cute, soft little cheek. “They like you, too,” he told her truthfully. Because they did. He could tell. He wouldn’t agree to seeing them tomorrow if they didn’t. “Come on, bug, get some sleep.”

Luna hummed, giggling ever so softly as Calum leaned down and gave her a sweet kiss. He bid her goodnight after switching off the lamp and turning on her nightlight, leaving the door just slightly aja before stepping out into the hallway. He glanced in the direction of the living room, realizing all of the lights were off and that Aspen was probably back in the bedroom.

He walked in, shutting the door behind him just as Aspen emerged from the bathroom. Her makeup was already off, changed into her pajamas, which only consisted of sleep shorts and one of his shirts, and she offered a small smile as he took in the sight of her. “Hey,” she greeted softly. She nodded towards the door. “She’s down?”

Calum nodded, pushing himself off the door. “Out like a light,” he confirmed.

Aspen smiled, running her fingers through her hair. “Good, that’s good.” Licking her lips, her smile turned a bit shy, and she added, “I, uh, have something for you. One more gift.”

Calum blinked, fighting the urge to laugh because of how similar they were. He watched as she walked towards her bedside before his gaze shifted towards his own bedside, more specifically, under the bed where he’d hidden his last gift for Aspen. They’d exchanged presents in the morning, of course. Gifts they’d bought one another by knowing the other’s likes, gifts they’d both loved. He was gonna give her the last gift before bed, but looked like she had beat him to the punch.

Calum approached the bed as Aspen climbed onto it on her knees, him doing the same on his side, eyes going to the very familiar book he’d seen in her apartment. It was Luna’s baby book, and Calum’s eyebrows furrowed together as she held it out to him, slowly taking it from her but not before shooting her a confused look.

Aspen let out a breathless chuckle, rubbing her hands down her sides as she said, “Just look inside. I, uh, added some more pages.”

His eyebrows raised at that, settling back on his legs as he opened the book. He’d seen the familiar pages, all of Luna’s firsts and the pictures that went along with those moments, until he got to the pages that were definitely new. Calum could feel Aspen watching along in anticipation, in nervousness, except all he could focus on was the pages he was looking at and the tightness of his throat.

There were pictures added in there that Calum knew about, and some he didn’t know anyone—Aspen—had taken. Pictures with the labels of “First Spaghetti Sunday w/ Dad”, or “Dad’s First Gift”, or “First Birthday w/ Dad”. Aspen had added all of these pictures of Calum with Luna, or of the three of them together, of moments that had become some of his favorites. A warmth spread through Calum as he took in every picture, every word, heart picking up its pace. He could hear his own breathing, heavy with the emotion that suddenly washed over him, fingers brushing against the photographs of him with his two favorite girls. Aspen had made sure to make him as much a part of the baby book as he was in their lives, and while Calum was not much of a crier, she did a good job in springing the tears in his eyes with this thoughtful gift.

“Aspen,” he breathed out, voice thick and throaty with appreciation and adoration. “This—” Calum let out a short, disbelieving chuckle as he looked at her. He saw the hopeful expression on her face, eyes wide and small smile, and Calum shook his head. “Thank you so much, sweetheart. I don’t—I love this.” He put the book down on the mattress before reaching for her, pulling her into a hug and keeping her close as he said, “I love you.”

He heard her let out a relieved laugh, returning his hug, and Calum shut his eyes as she squeezed him, the smile on his face hurting his cheeks as she returned, “I love you, too. We’re in this together, right? You and me.”

He pressed a kiss to the skin of her shoulder where his shirt fell off. “You and me.” Calum sniffed as they pulled away, and Aspen let out a soft, adoring laugh at the flush in his cheeks, cupping his face as she shot him a grin. “I’ve got somethin’ for you, too,” he told her, prompting Aspen to blink in surprise.

He shifted backwards, one foot touching the ground so he could bend down and pull out the gift bag from under the bed. Aspen raised her eyebrows as he handed it to her. She took it with an anticipating smile of her own, and right as she reached into it, Calum said with a nervous chuckle, “It’s really cheesy, okay? So don’t laugh.”

Aspen rolled her eyes at him, dismissing his thought. “I’m not gonna laugh,” she said, hand reaching past the decorative red tissue paper to grab onto the gift.

Calum pressed his lips together, watching as Aspen pulled out the medium sized decorative jar with a gold lid on top. He watched as Aspen observed it, took in the custom made label on it that read a simple and cheesy message of My Love For You. He felt the heat spread across his cheeks at that, mentally chastising himself for writing something so utterly cliche on the label. Then again, the entire idea of the gift was utterly sentimental and cheesy.

“It’s, uh,” he began explaining, chuckling shortly. “There’s a message on every slip of paper inside for you. Like, uh, reasons why I love you and stuff. There’s, um, one thousand six hundred and forty three little slips in there. . .  One for each day we, uh, weren’t in each other’s lives.”

He watched the way her lips parted at his words, eyes widening as she returned her gaze to the jar she held in her hands. He wasn’t sure why he felt so shy about giving her the gift, the vulnerability not something he was entirely fond of, though when it came to Aspen, Calum was quick to realize facing these types of things was a lot better than running away from them. His throat worked, waiting for her to say something, heart jumping when her glassy green eyes met his dark brown ones.

“Calum, it’s—this is so sweet,” she breathed out, her voice thick with awe as she let out a gentle laugh. Her voice took a teasing tilt, wanting to lighten the emotional mood as she playfully asked, “You have over a thousand reasons why you love me?”

Calum cracked a small smirk, quirking an eyebrow despite his racing heart. “It’s funny that you think I can run out of reasons.”

Her expression softened, a soft chuckle escaping at his words as she gave a shake of her head. Before she let the tears escape, Aspen put the jar down before one had found his cheek, pulling him in for a kiss. Calum returned it eagerly, softly, arms winding around her waist as he kissed her, settling back on his legs once more before using his hands on her thighs to lock her legs around his hips. She tasted like mint toothpaste and he reveled in the familiar softness of her lips, in the touch of her hands on his face as they kept each other close.

“Merry Christmas, love,” he found himself whispering against her lips, wanting nothing more than to melt into her.

Aspen sighed against him, utterly content. “Merry Christmas, Cal.”

--

tags: @irwinkitten​ @sweetcherrymike​ @meetashthere​ @valentinelrh​ @softforcal​ @astroashtonio​ @hereforlukescruff​ @novacanecalum​ @captain-what-is-going-on​ @angelbbycal​ @singt0mecalum​ @hopelessxcynic​ @lfwallscouldtalk​ @bodhi-black​ @findingliam-o​ @softlrh​ @calntynes​ @calumsmermaid​ @erikamarie41​ @quintodosuniversos​ @longlastingdaydream​ @babylon-corgis​ @lukehemmingsunflower​ @imfuckin10plybud​ @pastelpapermoons​ @conquerwhatliesahead92​ @rotten-kandy​ @metangi​ @neigcthood​ @ohhmuke​ @old-zeppelin-shirt​ @5sos-and-hessa​ @trustmeimawhalebiologist​ @vxlentinecal​ @pettybassists​ @vaporshawn​ @lu-my-golden-boi​ @visualm3nte​ @isabella-mae13​ @dontjinx-it​ @lifeakaharry​ @neonweeknds​ @antisocialbandmate​ @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave​ @calpalbby​ @grreatgooglymoogly​ @sunnysidesblog​ @gorgeouslygrace​ @cocktail-calum​ @miahelizaaabeth​ @madelynerin​ @dramallamawithsparkles​ @theagenderwhocriedwolf​ @kaytiebug14​ @hoodskillerqueen​ @bitchinbabylon​ @empathycth​ @xhaileyreneex​ @inlovehoodx​ @aestheticrelated​ @bloodlinecal​ @sublimehood​ @madbomb​ @raabiac​ @britnicole11​ @outofmylimitcal​ @fluffsshawn​ @bloodmoonashton​ @vxidhood​ @tea4sykes @lukeinblue​ @mysteriouslycali​ @hoodcentral​ @rosecoloredash​ @hearts-to-the-sky​ 

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 160

Chapter Summary - Life continues for Danielle and Tom as the world processes their news, some good, some bad and some plain ugly.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

Copyright for the photo is the owners, not mine. All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

Those who were interested in the life of celebrities and those that called themselves critics and/or fans of Tom erupted in joy, revulsion, despair, anguish, excitement and several other emotions at the news of the engagement. Twitter was awash with comments, both from well-wishers and begrudgers. Celebrities who worked with both Tom and Danielle wishing congratulations, as well as the behind the scene crews from both of their different projects. Rumours became rife, theories began immediately. As like several times before, Danielle was accused of being pregnant, that they had to rush down the aisle before the baby came, others that she had his testicles in a vice on something and she was forcing him to do it, then there was those who believed it genuine, posting pictures of them at the Infinity War premiere, him looking at her lovingly as she gave him a nervous glance, the film footage of them with the Cumberbatch's at the South Bank Sky Awards, smiling and looking at each other happily, picture of them from different times, all showing the same expressions, content and love of one another.

A lot of people discussed the situation with Taylor, how she would react, many saying she couldn't care less, others that she would be seething, people tried to analyse her latest movements as that could give an indication as to her thoughts on it. Everyone had an opinion it seemed, from the celebrity news to social media, all swooping on the story to see if they could get something more from it.

Luke kept Tom posted on the general consensus but for the most part, he simply responded to the friends and family that contacted him regarding the announcement and many wanting to know the date for the ceremony. He explained that it would be the following year and promised to keep them informed, noting that to include even just close friends and family would make it a notable sized affair.

For her part, Danielle was harassed/deafened by Nacelle screeching excitedly down the phone at her at the announcement of her news via Viber beforehand as well as being given more than a few congrats from her extended family, including a very excited Siobhan who informed her that Laura was delighted for her, but their mother had seen Danielle's announcement as a form of “one-upmanship” on her cousin and that she was going to try and embarrass Laura. Laura knew this was not true and that her cousin was actually in a longer relationship and had known her fiance longer, not to mention, Danielle would never embarrass Mattie and Bridget in such a manner. Instead of being upset, Laura was actually asking Danielle to check the cost of dresses she had seen online that were apparently cheaper in Britain, she confirmed that they were and two dresses for a one-year-old were bought and sent to Ireland for Caoilfhionn with a note from Danielle that they were “her treat”.

When Danielle went to her office to get her paperwork sorted, she was startled to see a large bouquet of flowers from her workmates and a bottle of champagne on her desk, as well a smiling face on Helena, Amelia's replacement as she had indeed been sent to the US office on her request with a glowing letter of recommendation from Danielle.

She dealt with her paperwork with considerable ease before dealing with the countless phone calls she had to make.

“Danielle, I see congratulations are in order.” Waters declared down the phone. “It’s somewhat peculiar to see my wife open a magazine and see you and your fiance at a premiere but to see it make the front cover of the damn thing, I don't think I'll ever get used to that. I mean, a partner in our firm, front page news.”

“You must be thrilled with the publicity.” She scoffed.

“Well, it's not exactly bad for Safeguard to have you and our business name always put together. But in all seriousness, I'm delighted for you and Tom, he seems to actually have his head screwed on, for an actor. And he's very much mad about you.”

“I find myself concerned as to what the two of you discussed while I was on the phone that day at lunch.”

“He simply made it clear we don't treat you right and that come hell or high water, he's choosing you over everything. Having worked with actors for the entirety of my career, I can honestly say, Danielle, you two are different to most.”

“Thank you, Lucas. Now about the situation on set you were talking about.”

*

After work, Danielle went to an appointment she made without telling Tom, knowing he would fret. She spoke to the physiotherapist regarding her shoulder and was instructed how to tend to it. Her shoulder was also put in kinesiology tape to aid it to recover. She knew Tom would see that so she sighed and thanked her physiotherapist before heading home.

When she arrived, there was a smell of cooking wafting through the house. The mud on Mac's paws as he came towards her to greet her caused her to pause and cock her head slightly before she walked forward. “Tom?”

“Out the back.” The playful laugh in his voice caught her attention. When she walked out, she found her eyebrow raise.

There, in the garden was a children's paddling pool and in it, splashing around like a lunatic was Bobby, yapping and jumping at a floating tennis ball excitedly.

“Hello.” Tom smiled, looking proudly at her. “Do you like my purchase for the boys?”

“Not as much as Bobby does.” She leant up and kissed him. “What made you get this?”

“They looked so miserable in the heat and I googled what people are doing to help their dogs in this crazy weather and it's quite common apparently. Mac sat in it for a minute but Bobby will not leave it.”

“Good, that's great. It's the first time he has went fifteen seconds without panting since this all started.”

“How was work?”

“Boring, paperwork and phone calls mostly, but a lovely bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne were waiting on my desk.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and Lucas was congratulating us too on our phone call. Apparently, you're a sensible man….if such a thing exists.”

Tom growled playfully at her for her jestful comment. “How dare you. Here was I, making the beautiful lady a dinner and not only do you attack me but my entire gender.”

Danielle gave a slight noise and kissed him again. “I'm sorry, my sexy fiance. I am mean.”

Tom could not help smiling and looking at her hand to the antique ring he had placed there as a symbol of his love of her. “Well, when you call me that….”

Danielle laughed for a moment before leaning towards him and kissing him again. “I better get changed and put this paperwork away and after that, I can be all your again.”

“That sounds like a good deal to me.” He beamed and went back to the back door to ensure Bobby did not accidentally drown himself in his attempts to play with the ball.

Danielle returned to the kitchen shortly after and checked on the food to make sure the water was not running low. When she heard Tom walk up behind her and snake his arms around her waist, she smiled. “So, dare I ask the occasion?”

“Occasion?”

“You don't cook this unless you are in the best of moods, so what has you chirpy?”

A light chuckle passed Tom's lips. “You are so observant.”

“I know, it's sort of my job to be.”

“I am have completed my interviews with different women regarding the MeToo movement.”

“That's good, I mean, you know what I mean. How are you after it all?”

“It was exhausting just listening to them, so I find myself wondering how exhausted they are for talking about it and holding it.”

Danielle put her arms around his. “You are a strong man, Tom and you are so good to do this for these people.”

Tom pressed his lips to her shoulder for a moment before sliding his hands up and rubbing them. A moment later, Danielle hissed in pain and moved away. “What…?”

“My shoulder is a sore.”

“Oh, I'm sorry Darling. What happened?”

“Just a swollen muscle, it will be fine,” she dismissed.

Tom swallowed, worried about Danielle's health but knew better than to force his opinion, which was for her to step back from her training, on her. He watched as she moved the arm again and walked over to her backpack and removed the meals she had brought to work with her to keep to her diet and placed them by the sink. “You should consider going to a physio.”

“If it gets worse, I will,” she promised. “So what is your plan now, after everything with the movement?”

“I am not entirely sure, I will play it by ear. All I know is that it's opened my eyes to a lot, hearing how some women are treated, I was so blind to it all as a person. God knows what I never realised about those around me.”

Danielle nodded and mmhmm'd in agreement but unconsciously chewed the inside of her cheek as she washed out the empty containers.

[stealinghero]

During the middle of a life treathening situation, one that looks like there’s no way out of it, Lupins SO turns to him and calls out “Arsène! If we make it out of this alive remind me that I wanted to propose to you after all of this!" Well... They survived. Lupin has QUESTIONS

This was SO great to work with!! I love going a bit deeper under his thick skin. I changed the scenario a bit, but I hope it’s okay.

What else could happen? You almost had been shot, you had been hung upside down over a bunch of dangerously sharp spikes and now the goddamn ceiling was coming down on you. All this in a short time of an hour. And the best part? Your lovely partner who could save you was nowhere to be seen since the beginning!!

Pressed flat on the floor, you crawled around next to Jigen looking for an escape route or at least some button to press and stop that ceiling from squishing you.

“That was a stupid idea and I just wanted to say for the protocol, that it was an honour to die next to you,” Jigen growled and let his fingers run around the walls in frantic hope to find a stop.

“Same, old man. But you know what?! I wanted to finally ask Arsène to marry me after this damned heist.”

He laughed mirthlessly. “Better had done that before, eh?”

“I just stole the ring today, forgive me.”

The ceiling began touching your back, leaving only a small space to move around.

“Well, that’s that then,” you concluded, pulling out the small diamond ring and nudged it into the corner between ceiling and wall, producing a mechanical scream and a stopped descend.

“What did you…? Did you find something?” Jigen tried to turn around and you realised that he must have it a much more narrower than you.

“I trashed the ring. Seems like the diamond was genuine enough to block the mechanics for now.”

“Great, so we’re not made into pancakes for now?”

“For now.” You dared to take a deeper breath, happy that you never had a thing for claustrophobia.

Steps were heard.

“Jigen?! Where are you guys?”

“Lupin!” you both shouted in unison.

The ceiling still worked on descending, machine parts still trying their best to work against the blockage.

“Hold on a second! I will…,” he seemed to have seen a solution to your problem. The ceiling began to screech and something gave way. “That wasn’t the right...:” The descend had started again.

“I swear I HATE THIS DAY!” you could hear Jigen behind you scream for his life and your last thoughts were going behind that ceiling.

“Arsène, at least let me propose before I die...,” you begged.

But the ceiling began to break your ribcage and the world turned black.

 “I don’t know, Goemon. I am just… grateful? I owe you, man.”

“As long as they survive.”

“Jigen is already smoking again, cussing the shit out of me for letting me making a pancake out of him.”

“But you still grin.”

“You heard what my lovebird said.”

“Lupin, don’t you ever grow up?”

“I want to marry them.”

“But you never proposed.”

“Hm.” Here the thief went silent and you could see him blush.

“Guess I’m not grown up enough.”

Goemon let out a short laugh.

“You are scared?”

“Never tell them!!”

“I don’t have to.” The samurai had spotted you on your place at the door, thickly bandaged ribcage, leaning on the door frame for support. Lupin froze with his back turned to you, his neck was red just like the tip of his ears.

“I’m hungry.” Basic needs would come before any other discussion. And maybe it was better that way? What if you had proposed and he had said no?

“Hey Hungry, I’m Lupin.”

Great, he was in panic mode.

“Goemon, could you make me a soup? You are the best cook here,” you plead and turned around to head to bed, fully knowing that Lupin followed you.

“Listen, forget it, Lupin. The diamond I had was destroyed and you can relax.”

He took your hand, watching you with love-filled eyes.

“I want to marry you. I really do.”

You took a step back. “Wait, what?”

“I am an idiot, come on. I was too scared you could… well, I am not…”

“Arsène, spill it.”

“I know I am not the man you deserve. And I know that if you were my partner for life, I would thank whatever’s out there the rest for my life to have such an angel by my side. But I also know that there are a lot of better men out there.”

“Name one.”

“Jigen.”

You snorted. “Sure. I am getting so wet thinking about this stinky gunman.”

“Goemon!”

“Would we have sex or would he slice my up like a sashimi?”

“Zenigata.”

“Arsène.” You pulled him closer and kissed him. “Giving you enough time, you would play this game until I have to marry the Pope. But I want you. And only you.”

“Forever?”

You gave him a smile and nodded. “In this and the following lives until we both stop to exist.”

You felt his hands getting sweaty, when he took them away from you and got on one knee.

“So, do you want to really marry me?”

You nodded. “Although I wanted to propose to you. How did you even know?”

His eyes got a dark shadow over them. “This bastard made me watch. I should witness the last of my partner’s moments.”

“That’s how you found us that quickly?”

“I… you… You gave up on the ring and I thought you would give up on us. But when I was there and you begged…” he let out a heavy sigh and took out a ring box to show you his engagement ring for you.

“So all it takes for Arsène Lupin to propose to his lover is a life threatening situation?”

“I wanted to… for 4 weeks now.”

“What?!”

“I told you I was scared shitless and I am not that brave as you!”

“You never told me!”

“You never asked!”

“Arsène Frédéric Lupin  the third, I swear to God…”

He put the ring on your finger and began to grin.

“You already said yes. You can’t take that back!”

The pure shock and playful terror in his voice made you laugh and hold your broken ribs.

“I would never,” you promised and pulled him to his feet to kiss him lovingly.

[leiascully]

Fic:  Baseball Metaphors (13/15?)

Part One  |  Part Two  |  Part Three |  Part Four |  Part Five |  Part Six |  Part Seven |  Part Eight |  Part Nine  |   Part Ten  |  Part Eleven  |  Part Twelve

Not exactly nsfw, but mostly just talking while nude.

He wakes up to an empty bed and the sound of running water.  

"Scully?" he says, lifting his head.  

Her voice drifts in.  "In here."

He gets up, dragging his boxers back on, and wanders into the bathroom.  The tub is half-full of frothy water.  Scully is bent over adjusting the taps, wrapped in a fluffy robe.  She tests the water with her hand and smiles at him.  "Take a bath with me," she says.

"Sure," he says.  "Uh, I would like to, uh, pee first."  It's embarrassing to admit for some reason, despite the fact that she knows he evacuates waste, and he's definitely had to do weirder things in her presence.  She gets up and motions to the bathroom.

"All yours," she says.

He pees.  It's not the first time he's used her bathroom, but it's the first time after they've had sex, genuine intercourse that not even an adventurous Catholic school student could rationalize away.  He's careful with his aim and he even lowers and wipes the seat after, just in case, and then washes his hands.  When he opens the door, she's coming back from the kitchen with two glasses of ice water.  She hands one to him.

"Thanks," he says.  He is thirsty.  He takes a long swig while she fiddles with the taps and finally turns the water off.  She sips at her water and sets the glass on the sink before dropping her robe in one smooth movement.  She stands in front of him, unselfconscious, and there's nothing he can do but shed his boxers.  She's so reserved that sometimes he forgets that she's relatively practical about her body.  He assumes that has something to do with the years she's spent studying anatomy.  He takes another swallow of water and sets his glass on the other side of the sink.

"Shall we?" he says.  

She smiles and climbs carefully into the tub, tucking herself forward against the front.  He clambers in behind her and brackets her with his legs.  She leans back and the bubbles pop between his chest and her shoulders.  He lets his arms slip around her.  He doesn't know where the limits are anymore.  He'd rather be tentative than run up against some invisible boundary.  But they're naked together and in the bath with the smell of lavender rising up around them, so the rules have obviously changed.

"Mulder," she says, as if it isn't just the two of them, always.

"Hmm."  He lets his arm rub gently against her breasts and she sighs happily.

"Do you really want to marry me?"

He blows out a breath.  He can feel it deflecting off her shoulder.  "You don't mince words, do you, Scully?"

"It's expedient to get to the heart of things," she says, shaping the bubbles idly between her palms.

"Begin with a Y-incision," he says.  

"And yet you're still evading my question," she says.  

"The man I was pretending to be definitely wants to marry the woman you were pretending to be," he says thoughtfully.  

"Fair enough," she says.  "I hope the man I was in bed with wasn't pretending anything, because he stuck to the same story."

"It would be convenient in some ways," he hedges.  "I'm tired of arguing with hospital staff who won't let me see you."

"Mulder," she says firmly.  

He takes a deep breath and presses his lips to her hair.  "Yes," he says finally.  "I want to marry you."

"Why?" she asks.  "Aside from the convenience."  

"Because I fucking love you," he says.  He's frustrated and embarrassed and overwhelmed and lovelorn.  He never imagined confessing to the back of her head while they were both naked.  He feels soft around the edges, and it isn't pruning from the bathwater.   "I don't even know how long it's been.  I realized, when you were taken, but I don't know when it started.  This whole pretending-to-date thing was imaginary and then it wasn't.  Maybe it never was, for me."

"And so you proposed?" she asks.  

"I know how much this has worn on you," he says.  "I just wanted you to have a moment where you might feel like your life was falling into place, even if you thought it was pretend."

"That was kind of you," she says after a pause.  "Or at least intended well."

"You know what they say about good intentions," he says.  "But I know it's been tough on you, trying to be friends with them.  I recognize that."

"It isn't tough on you?" she asks.

"I haven't had a dream like that in a while," he says.  "The house, the family.  It didn't seem to be something I could aspire to.  So no, it wasn't hard for me.  I didn't have to pretend that I wanted to be your boyfriend.  Every week was like a glimpse of something I never imagined I could have, but I never wanted what they had."

"I see," she says.  He doesn't need to see her face to know she's wearing that serious expression, the one that refines the concept of gravitas, or maybe gravity.  

"Sorry," he says.

The water sloshes as she moves.  "Sorry for what, Mulder?"

"I don't know," he says.  "It seems unfair, that I was living out this scenario that I was invested in to a different degree than you were.  It seems like false pretenses.  You didn't really have a chance to agree to play along."

"Have you ever known me to play along when I didn't want to?" Scully asks.

He considers it.  "No."  

She snorts.  "Aren't you a profiler?"

"I play one on tv," he jokes.  

She turns, the water washing back and forth between them, and braces her hands on his thighs as she kneels on the floor of the tub.  "So," she says.  "Profile me."

"You saw your ex and panicked," he says, unable to keep himself from gazing at her.  Her skin is slick and flushed and daubed with bubbles.  "I provided a plausible cover story to alleviate your distress."

"Plausible why?" she asks.

"I'm a handsome guy," he teases.  "Not quite in your league, but it's a convincing enough match."

"And why is that, Agent Mulder?" she asks, her voice low and even.  

"Our intimacy is apparent even to strangers," he theorizes.  "Society doesn't have many models of platonic heterosexual friendship, and here I could but won't quote When Harry Met Sally.  Hence the tendency to mistake us for a couple, even a married couple."  

"And from where does that intimacy derive?" she asks.

"Whence does the principle of life proceed?" he quotes, striving for whimsy.  "We have a history.  We've shared a number of remarkable experiences, even traumatic ones.  It's made us close.  I'd hazard even closer than most partners in law enforcement.  I certainly didn't make out with Jerry or Reggie.  Or even Krycek."

"And?" she says, leaning closer.  

"And what?" he asks, extremely distracted by her approaching cleavage.

"You said yourself most partners aren't this close," she says.  "Despite their own remarkable experiences.  Why are you and I believable as a couple when other partners weren't?"

He shunts away any thought of Diana.  "I guess I'm not the profiler I thought I was.  What am I missing, Doctor Scully?"

She laughs, but it catches in her throat.  "What are you missing?"

He shrugs.  The bubbles rock on the surface of the water.  "Maybe our inside jokes give it that hint of verisimilitude.  I don't know.  I've nev...I'm not married. "

"I'm in love with you, you idiot," she says quietly.  

"What?" he says.

"I'm in love with you," she repeats.  

"Uh," he says.  

"That's not exactly the response I expected," she says, leaning away from him.  He reaches out for her.

"This is not the turn I expected my day to take," he says quickly.  "We're naked in the tub together and you're saying things I only imagined when I was drugged out of my mind, Scully.  I just need a second to process.  And maybe you should pinch me."

"I'm not going to pinch you," she says.  "Why did you hesitate when you said you weren't married?"

He sighs.  "I was engaged once.  To one of my other former partners.  Diana.  She didn't leave me at the altar, exactly, but she did take an international assignment between the engagement and the wedding.  In the year between losing her and meeting you, I threw myself into my work.  Spooky Mulder, all alone down in the basement."

He can see the pain in her eyes, the urge to retreat into herself, to swathe herself in terrycloth and detachment.  "No wonder you tried to keep me at arm's length."

"Didn't work," he says.  He catches at her fingers.  "Hey.  Scully."

"Sometimes I forget I don't know everything about you," she murmurs, not meeting his eyes.  

He kisses her damp palm.  "Now you know everything about me," he promises.  

"I didn't know you were in love with me," she says.

"I didn't know you were in love with me," he says, "so that's fair.  You talked such a good game about how much our friendship meant to you."

"It did," she says.  "It does."  She sighs.  "There was a moment in the restaurant where I was completely thrilled.  Even when I remembered that it was pretend, I loved you for doing that for me.  But it's hard to know that it wasn't the first time you'd asked someone."  

"If it helps, I didn't get down on one knee in public," he says.  "I barely proposed at all.  It was more of an agreement."

"But you gave her this ring," she says, looking at it.  

He nods.  "It didn't fit her.  Must have been a metaphor.  I got it sized for you."

She flexes her fingers.  "You knew my ring size."

"I like to think I know most things about you," he offers, "but I also believe your enigmatic nature is part of your charm."

She looks squarely at him.  "What are we going to do?"

"I thought we were going to finish our bath," he says.  "Maybe get all sweaty again almost immediately.  Decide where we wanted to have our haunted honeymoon."

"Planning the honeymoon before the wedding?" she says.  "Sounds like something there should be a superstition about."

"We don't have to," he says.  "We don't have to do any of it.  If you want me to leave, we can start again from square one or square whatever, whenever you're ready.  If you're ready.  We don't have to deal with this today."

She purses her lips.  "'This' being the fact that I'm in love with you and you're in love with me and it's possible that we're engaged despite never having actually been in an relationship?"  

"'This' was shorter," he says.  

She sighs and turns back around, settling against his chest.  He loops his arms around her and rests his cheek against her head.  It's always strange to be at odds with Scully, when all he wants when he's upset is to seek comfort in her company.  

"We could still get married," he murmurs.  

"It might not be the easiest thing to explain to my mother," she says.

"I don't know about that," he says, remembering Maggie's gentleness during Scully's abduction.  "But we could elope."

"If we did, we wouldn't have to invite Ethan and Jenny," Scully muses.  "My mother might forgive me.  Bill's wedding was enough for all of us."

"Or we could pretend none of this ever happened," he offers.  

"Are you going to walk up to me in a bar?" she teases.  "Introduce yourself, try to get a date."

"I told you, I'm not in your league."  He kisses the side of her head.  "We could stay in this bath forever."

"The water would get cold," she counters.  

"Then I guess we can mark that off the list of options," he says.  "What's left?"

"I think that covers it," she says.  "Either move forward or pretend we can go back to the beginning."

"Be kind, rewind," he quips.  "We've had a lot of practice playing pretend at this point."

"I'm not sure acting is my forte," she murmurs.  

"Once more into the breach," he offers.  

"That's a hell of a way to proposition a lady," she jokes.  She turns in his arms again, tipping her face up to his.  Her body is warm and slippery against his.  He shifts his arms to steady her.  

"I'm not the world's foremost authority on seduction," he says.  

"No," she agrees, "but you've got a certain appeal."  She stretches up to kiss him.  "As an empiricist, it seems to me that the only way to see if this will work is to try it."

"I've always admired your scientific rigor," he says.  

"And my breasts?" she teases.

"Those too," he agrees.

"Make me believe," she says, and kisses him.

[paperbackwritersblog]

When gods became actors and actors became gods

God is Dead – Nietzsche 1882

This incredibly bold statement at the time rings more true now that ever before. At the time it was written , what was seen was the slow degradation of the religious class. Most of this happened because of their own actions and behaviors. Who can honestly say they would turn away from religion if it did in fact deliver on its grandiose promises and the hypocrisy and corruption among the upper echelons wasnt so apparent.

Its the fact that the words spoken and the actions taken did never and have never added up and over time the simple became wise, the ill informed became educated and eventually the GIG was up so to speak.

Predictions were made that have come true in the face of a lack of a judgemental father!!!

We have worked hard , engaged in war, and debated on debates about debates in a bid to minimise the struggle of life on earth without the gods.

At their absolute best religion gave us all an anchor point, a starting line for us all in which we all felt loved and valued. At their absolute worst it has worked in the complete opposite direction , classing some races as less than human and their death at our hands a blessing. Corruption, fraud, pedophilia to name but a few of the behavior types that have been allowed to fester and grow within the protectionist bubble that has always been there in religion.

But where are we now with religion or more importantly Gods?

The most we hear about gods in the year of 2020 is on the movie screen. My favourites are films like clash of the titans and jason and the argonaughts. This is because the greek gods were portayed a bit more honestly in their relationship to us. The catholic bible states that we were all made in the image of god yet states gods perfection and our imperefection. Its full of conflicting narratives like this that naturally eventually lead to questions. More often that not you will be shut down, cast out and rediculed for even daring to question.

The greek gods are in our image in so many ways, showing where our jealousy comes from etc. In fact the greek gods and the story telling around them gave us stories and explanations that settled our internal woes about the primal natures and behaviors we as a species have. Jealosy, revenge, love, honour, self sacrafice, infidelity, wrath , all are shown to have grown from the gods and passed down to us. This very inclination rids us of so much guilt language, however at the same time it puts us at the same mercy we afford ourselves as a species. Over time as you would expect we came to regard the gods as cruel and unkind, the very attributes we assign to anyone that conflicts with our life path and narrative.

But this has all gone away for the most part in the western part of the world. Gods now are characters on a movie screen and the people we worship are the actors playing the gods on the screen! Over time these far from perfect people have become figures of admiration in the same way we used to look at the gods. And like in religion we get a very distorted view!! We dont see the down moments that every person has, instead we see perfection of their perfect lives or on the flip side we see victimhood as a badge of honour, likely started by a few famous people who fell on what they would consider hard times and decided to talk about it. Before you know it they are elevated onto a platform because they had the courage to admit to being human! All the while people with real genuine life struggles and no voice die of starvation and disease that could be eradicated with a month of their salary. Power and influence if not forced through Communism are now gained through fame, fame is the new god!

The religion of fame is the same as all religions, the elite at the top, where a completely different set of rules apply. Fame is rife with corruption, sexual abuse and pedophilia and like all other religions is hidden, downplayed and will even go so far as to change narrative to suit the new status quo. With even more hypocrisy on display than ever before thanks to the internet and social media, the fact there is video evidence to show their own conflicting views not 4 years before and cannot be denied, instead falls into the category of personal growth, which by the way only applies if you see certain things!

At some point in time, somehow, because you were in a movie, because you were really good at pretending to be someone you are not, you have become someone whos opinion we should depend upon! The only reason I can think this happened is because they have managed to climb to the top of what is worldly renowned as one of the most brutal industries on the planet! Is this the modern day equivalent of conquering rome? Is the Rock a modern day ceasar? By doing “who knows what” in a bid to be an A-lister in a movie, has he earned the faith of the world on how to win at life?

I think the problem isnt looking up in admiration, after all we all strive towards something. The issue comes where we look blindly. I would look to the rock when it comes to how to be a successful wrestler, successful actor or bodybuilder. However I wouldnt look to him to be a father, partner, friend, sibling or son, because those attributes are a lot more personal than recipes for success. The examples I look to for guidance in my personal life are the ones that are in full view, for example my father, my partners father, my friends father are fatherly examples I look towards. Not someone who posts 10 pictures a month showing them playing with their kids, most likely totaling the 4 hours they spent with their kids that month!!

If we are to portray actors as gods then we should at least reduce the G to a g! If they are a form of god it can only be attributed to the arena they have conquered. After all, who would rely on ceaser on how to rule china?!

E.plaistow

[happilyneverafters]

Maybe this isn’t worth it. I’ve tried to kill you off in the story of my life but have failed many times. I’ve wrote about you at least a million times since you’ve left... prayed about you a million and one... but maybe I wasn’t being honest with myself. Maybe I didn’t lay everything out like I needed to, maybe because I never knew what I felt either. Words on a blank screen can’t even begin to express the overpowering reality that hides within the words. So, knowing you’ll never read this, knowing it won’t save my heart, knowing this won’t change anything... let me start at the beginning.

You were always the friend I had to ride the bus with, or to watch play baseball along side my guy friends... that was all. You had her and I was his. I was his. For so long. He was all I knew. But the longer our relationship went on, the more toxic we got... the more toxic I got. I was a child, I didn’t know what it meant to be someone’s partner in life. I was raised watching the drama of Jersey Shore and Teen Mom... having trust issues, stalking, assuming and being controlling/being controlled was all I knew. We fought over silly things, trust wasn’t even a word in our vocabulary and growing up together began to seem like a competition. College came around and I was ready to give it all to him. I stayed home for him, choosing a degree that would get me out as soon as I could just to be with him, fighting him that he wasn’t doing the same. Isn’t that was love is? So I moved away. Yet he still had me under his grip. And made it visible by placing a promise ring on my hand. That is what love is, right? I shut down. Didn’t speak to any male, went to class and came right back, went to visit him every weekend and did everything in my power to make him love me that much more considering we were apart. Guess the girls at NKU were prettier, funnier, more outgoing, party girls who weren’t me. Little miss wifey was gone and so was he. That’s where you came back in. You were done with high school. You weren’t with her. And you, lived in my new town. But our paths crossed at the wrong time. Remember when I said little miss wifey was gone? Yeah, she was gone. She wanted to party, to be wanted by college guys, to do as she pleased and wear what she pleased and do whatever it is that provoked her... I hadn’t had that freedom in over four years. So, you didn’t fight me on that, you let me continue that lifestyle as long as you were there and I took advantage of that. Let’s be honest, I knew from the first day we spent time together that you were who I was in love with. The connection we had was unmatched. You were my best friend. You showed me off, waited on me hand and foot, came to my rescue when I asked you not to, laughed with me until we cried... and then, you did the one thing I asked God for... you prayed for me. And you weren’t shy about it. That, is when I knew you were who I needed to spend my life with, but I didn’t deserve you. I was treating you like you were an accessory. I still wanted to be “free”, assuming that freedom was only when you were single, because as much I needed you, I didn’t want to fall back into that toxic trap that the word “relationship” triggered for me. I pushed you away. Told you a lie to get you to leave and kept doing things to intentionally hurt you so you wouldn’t forgive me. My plan worked. How selfish was I? How immature was I? How could I let go the love of my life because I wanted a collegiate athlete to think I was sexy? Jokes on me.

You moved on. Just like I expected. But I was happy for you. Genuinely happy. She was who I should have been for you. But instead of hating her, I supported you. I wanted you to be with her. I wanted to watch you live out this beautiful love story even if it wasn’t with me. But as for myself, I never forgave myself just like you shouldn’t have.

While you proposed to her, I got wasted.

But then one day, your name popped up on my phone. My heart sank... a mistake, I’m sure. But in reality, it wasn’t. It was fate. And this, this is where the real story begins. You were back... the engagement was off, the relationship had ended and God gave me another chance with the one I had asked for so many years ago. I wasn’t going to ruin it. The moment you stepped out of your car and walked to my front door, I knew... I knew it was you who I had been searching for, who God had wrecked and rebuilt my life for during these years. I wasn’t going to mess this up. Our connection was still unmatched. You were still my best friend. Our story picked up where we left off. How could I get so lucky? Only God can do something like this and I thank Him so much for another shot at love, with you. You had showered me with love before and I was going to do the same now. I wanted to prove to you that I wasn’t who I used to be, I wasn’t who your ex turned out to be and I was going to make sure I was who you needed someone to be. You deserved it and I wanted to be who you prayed for, just like I did you. And it was easy, it was natural, I didn’t have to try or pretend or even push for it to happen... with you, it’s just different. But I messed up. Again. Shocker. I told you to hang out with someone else, in hopes you would hate it and miss me instead. I told you to enjoy your “freedom” that you so badly wanted, because you, just like me, assumed it was gone in a relationship like your last. But I wanted you to get tired of that so-called freedom and want me next to you, like I did you. Once I realized this, I knew I had to fix it. Taking you away on a weekend trip, planning everything I thought you would enjoy, buying us dinner and drinks, showing you off and showing that I could party with you (while hoping to also make you jealous) then come home and prove to you that you were a man, a man in many forms, a man that I loved... and never stopped loving. Mistake #2. Why would I say that? You just ended an engagement. There’s no way you had loved me this entire time. Why would I blurt that out? You left. And immediately went to someone new. Of course. How could I compare? To a fun college teenager with the perfect body figure, who had natural beauty, was able to party (without making you jealous) and could keep you on your toes. Who didn’t blurt out those three words that turned into five. The complete opposite from me. And that, I couldn’t handle. God gave me this chance and I wasn’t letting you go that easily. But hearing the words: “you’re not my person” “I don’t have feelings for you” “I don’t want anything to do with you” coming from the voice of a man you’ve dreamt of spending your life with, hits a little differently. Or should I say a lot differently.

I went into a depression. And not one I was ever familiar with. I didn’t necessarily want to die because of you, but if I did die, I would be thankful that I wasn’t in pain anymore. I prayed for that sometimes... how thankful I am to live but if God just so happened to end my earthly life, I would be more thankful. I was sick. Mentally, physically and emotionally. The person that God had been working so hard on, was taken away and thrown into an endless daze. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I didn’t blame you, I couldn’t. You can’t make someone love you, you can’t make someone’s decisions for them... but in this case, maybe I kinda did. Either way... it wasn’t you. It was me. Everything that went wrong, was me. So watching you for months, moving on with the one of your dreams... another new young college student, a sorority sister, the beauty queen, the stereotypical popular girl who could ruin your life with one smile... she won my man. Well, the man I asked God for. The man I cried myself to sleep over. The man I would do anything to get back. She didn’t have to try, it was her, wasn’t it? Isn’t it?

I wrecked myself. Hating every inch of who I was. Questioning why I was the way I am. Regretting every decision I had made for years. Tearing apart every part of my being, inside and out. And making it known to myself, that I, ruined what could have been. The life that God had handed to me was ripped from my hands before I even got a chance to feel the adventure. But now, God has restored me again. Building me up into the woman I am supposed to be, for myself and for someone else. But why, do I hope and wish and pray, that the love of my life who I am gifted with forever with, is still you? You, who made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. You are someone else’s. You don’t even consider my existence anymore. So why, do I think that my growth, will attract you back? Is it because they say third times a charm? Is it because I don’t want to believe your love for her is genuine? Is it my selfishness and conceited personality thinking that you said those words to me in false terms? Am I still the toxic person I once was, begging God for someone else’s man? Is God keeping you on my heart and just telling me to be a patient? To let you find me on your own? Or is it Satan? Taunting me with the reality that you’re not mine?

I was alone. I am alone still. Since you’ve been gone. My best friend says I don’t deserve you, that the way you left was evil, that it wasn’t my fault... but she’s just being a good girlfriend. You had every right to leave. But why can’t you come back? Why don’t you miss me and bathe in pain the way I have for so many months? How can that be possible? I daydream of what it would be like to see your name pop up on my phone once more or what would be said if we reunited again. I plan everything that I would say to you, the way I would hold you and kiss you like you’ve never been kissed. I flatter myself by reciting words I would die to hear you say to me. I fall asleep every night to the memory of your heart beat and wake up to the reality of you no where to be found. How can I be so stupid? To let myself crave you knowing you won’t return. I will never blame you for choosing the path you did. I’ll never be grateful for the trauma that was left in your dust, though it kept you with me when I was left alone. I’ll never forgive myself for letting you go. But I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. I will never choose someone the way I choose you every day. I’ll never find the love that will complete me the way you do even in your absence. And I will never forget you, as much as you told me to do so. Because it’s you, the one God created for me, it will always be you. No one will ever take that place and frankly, I don’t want anyone to come close to taking that place. It’s yours, it will always be yours, even when there isn’t a place for me with you. And I’m sorry, that all of those years ago, when the moment I knew it was truly you... that I told you it wasn’t.

[golden-van-fleet]

Class Ring

A/N: Hi this is my first “published” writing? And I don’t really know what I’m doing? I thought it was cute, and I really want to keep writing, I hope y’all think it’s as cute as I do :)

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2.2k

  You’ll never forget the chaos that surrounded your junior class receiving their class rings. Constant debates on which style was the best, the “classic” look or the newer, modernized versions, engravings, the intricacies that made each ring unique, every detail that made it yours. You didn’t want a huge ring, just one with the year you’d graduate written somewhere on it. Joe, however, was all to pieces to make his ring perfect.

  “I’m just saying, I’m about to pay for a ring that I’ll probably have for the rest of my life, I want it to be perfect. Literally. Perfect.” He flopped face first onto your bed to emphasize his point.

  “Joe, no one wears their class ring outside of high school. Especially if they get a class ring in college. It’s not as big a deal as you want to make it.” You took the initiative to fall on the bed next to him, but laying on your back against the pillows as opposed to Joe’s awkward diagonal position across your bed. He rolled onto his left side to face you. You’d be lying if the face he gave you didn’t make your heart skip a beat. Or two.

  “If I tell you this, do you promise not to laugh at me?”

  “Depends what it is. I’m your best friend, I have the right to laugh at anything and everything you say.”

  “Well,” he started, a faint blush gracing his cheeks, “I’ve kind of always wanted to be able to give my class ring to that “special someone,” you know? Like in Grease, when they’re at the drive-in. It seems so outdated by today’s standards, but that’s something I’ve always found really sweet. Like, hey, I want to give you something that means a lot to me, I’m just not ready to get married or anything quite yet. Here’s this piece of me, more or less,” he finished, his words beginning to run together as he thought out loud. You couldn’t stop the smile that spread across your face. You’d also be lying if you said that you weren’t hoping that special someone could be you, even if it was years and years down the road.

  “I mean, it does seem pretty cheesy, but you’ve always been pretty cheesy,” you said, his eyes searching yours for validation. He rolled his eyes.  

  “You are absolutely no help, Y/N.” He let out an exaggerated huff and rolled onto his back, the weight of his torso on your feet. 

  “Okay, and you didn’t let me finish,” you teased, reaching down to pinch his cheek. “It’s sweet. I understand where you’re coming from. But my only question, is why make it so “perfect” if it’s eventually going to be worn by someone else? What if you break up?” You didn’t mean to sound so morbid or even so harsh, but reality was harsh, and it was something you couldn’t stop yourself from asking.

  “Ideally, it would go to that perfect person. It would stay with that perfect person. And one day would be replaced by an engagement ring,” he answered, his eyes glancing at your hands, which were crossed over your chest. He thought you didn’t notice. You pretended not to.

  “You didn’t answer the second part.”

  He thought for a moment. He finally responded, saying, “I suppose I’d let them keep it if they wanted it. Even if we don’t stay together, they would still mean enough to me to get it in the first place.” 

  You couldn’t help the feeling in your chest at that point. Your whole life you’d grown up with Joe as your best friend, your confidant, your partner in crime. You never, in a million and a half years, would’ve thought you would ever develop a crush on him. 

  What you didn’t, and couldn’t know, was that Joe felt the same way. He wanted this ring to be perfect because he wanted to give it to the one person he had ever thought was perfect, his best friend. You. 

  As you went to college (and received your college ring), you’d forgotten about that day in your bedroom when you both were 16. Being best friends since birth, Joe still had a major role in your life, coming to visit you whenever he could bear the 15 minute drive to your apartment, which, by the way, was multiple times a week. 

  You’d both dated other people, your mutual longing never fading but never coming to fruition in that time. In fact, Joe had met a new girl, Hannah, at an audition he was at a few months prior. Despite how much your heart hurt, you were truly happy that he was happy. But when he invited you over to meet her, you couldn’t help but notice the necklace she was wearing. A sapphire class ring sat on a silver chain, hanging almost daintily around her neck despite its size. You grit your teeth and forced a smile you hoped seemed genuine. And to her, it did. Joe knew otherwise, but bit his tongue.

  So when he showed up at your door at 11:30 on a Friday night a few months later, you knew something was wrong. With every girl he’d dated, he made a point to spend as much time with her as possible without cutting you out. But Friday nights were his date nights with Hannah. This particular Friday night, you’d returned from a date with a guy you’d met in passing while on your lunch break that you probably wouldn’t call back for a second date. Nursing what was left of your cup of tea, you snuck a glance to the storm in full force outside your window. You’d just barely turned your attention back to the movie that was playing when a pounding on your door scared the living daylights out of you. 

Opening the door, you were met with the soaking wet form of your best friend, who walked through the door and almost collapsed into your arms. 

  “She cheated.” Your breath caught in your throat. You started plotting the ways you’d ruin her life without Joe knowing it was you (while knowing full well said revenge would be carried out by none other than his best friend in the entire world). Something fell to the floor, and as you shut the door and began leading Joe to the bathroom to get him a towel you caught a glimpse of what it was. Only after Joe was in the shower to warm up did you return to the door to retrieve it. 

  “I want you to have it.” Joe’s voice broke the silence, making you jump and almost drop the damned thing. Was his shower that short? Were you really looking at it for that long?

  “What?”

  “It’s yours. I don’t want it. But I can’t bring myself to throw it out, or to sell it, or hell, even give it to my mother as a keepsake.” He was fuming, it was evident in his voice. But when your eyes met his, his expression was the opposite of what his voice indicated.

  “I’m not going to keep it just because you don’t want it,” you spoke softly. You remembered the conversation the two of you had about it, over 15 years prior. “You said it should go to that perfect person, that special someone, the love of your life. Do you remember that?” When you finished, your voice was no louder than a whisper. You felt a lump in your throat form as you spoke, setting yourself up for the inevitable disappointment you’d feel by the end of the conversation. Setting the ring and chain on the table next to your keys, you crossed the room to continue the conversation.

  “I do remember that. I remember thinking how badly I wanted you to have it one day, you know.”

  “You can’t come in here and say that after showing up at my door and saying that your girlfriend cheated on you. It went to her. She had to have been perfect enough to receive it in the first place.” You wanted nothing more than to send Joe either home or to sleep in the guest room and curl up in bed. You’d failed to notice the stray tear that began to fall down your face, but Joe didn’t. Silently, he wiped it away and pulled you into a hug. He wanted you to know he’d never been in love in the first place. 

  Every time she laughed at one of his jokes, he couldn’t help but notice how different her laugh was from yours. When he looked into her eyes, they weren’t as kind or as inviting as yours were. Just the way she said his name made him wish it was your voice instead. And of course, initially he’d thought it was because he’d been single for so long. You were the closest thing he’d known to true love without knowing what it was, and he thought maybe it was that driving him to make so many comparisons. He tried to love her, he really did. He wanted to want to wake up next to her, to love her with every part of his being, and yet for whatever reason, he couldn’t. She noticed, too. She could tell by the way he spoke about you that no one would replace you. He never answered her calls as quickly as he answered yours, or talked nearly as long with her as he did with you. As unjust as a reason as it may have been, she went to find love elsewhere, hoping Joe would go to you to do the same.

  “I’ve loved you since we were kids, Y/N. And I let you get away for too long, and for that I’ll never forgive myself. The ring is yours, it always has been. I couldn’t love her simply because she wasn’t you.” You looked up to face him, eyes brimming with unshed tears and those that had fallen had soaked into his old sweatshirt you’d had that he changed into.

  “I… really?” You couldn’t quite tell what you were asking about. It was a lot to process, and he knew that. With that, he began leading you back to your bedroom, guiding you towards the end of the bed where you could both sit and talk. Before he sat down, he ran back out to the hallway to get said ring, the very item you didn’t know if you could bear to see. 

  He came back to find you already laying in bed, half of the comforter folded back as an invitation for him to get in bed next to you. It was an unspoken rule between the two of you, and had been since you were small. He faced you, admiring all of your features and choosing his words carefully.

  “I mean it when I say I love you. And I know by the way you responded that you love me, too. I’m not demanding anything from you. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I want you to know that you have always been the one for me, the one that I want to wake up next to, the one that I want to grow old with, the one that I want to remind every day just how much I love her and how much more I’ll love every day. I’m not asking you to marry me, at least, not right now. Maybe we can get there one day,” his eyes met yours as he finished his spiel. 

  “I love you too.” Finally, the words you’d wanted to say and mean in such a context were out into the world for all to hear, even if it was just between the two of you. He took your hand and set the ring in it, closing your fingers around it and kissing your knuckles. “I’ve always loved you.” You moved to be closer to him, your head tucked under his chin. “I want you, forever. Hell, I’ve wanted you for what feels like forever,” you added, pulling back to meet his eyes. 

  And then he kissed you. 

  The ring fell out of your shocked grasp, despite your conscience telling you that this was going to happen the entire time. You took his face in your hands, holding onto him for dear life.

  “I’ve been waiting so long for that.” He smiled the warmest smile you’d ever seen, and you knew the smile across your face had the potential to put his to shame. Joe picked up the ring and set it on the nightstand beside him. “You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to. I just want you to have it until I can replace it with another one.”

  “I’ll wear it until the chain breaks, Joseph. Don’t underestimate me,” you joked, kissing his cheek softly. 

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

  He kept his promise about the other ring, too. A year and a half later he presented to you a gorgeous sapphire engagement ring, and a year after that you had a wedding band to complete it. His class ring stayed on the chain, hung up with your other jewelry, front and center, to remind you of the perfect man who insisted on the perfect ring for the perfect girl. 

[tiredwritersworld]

Memories of Kandomere

Following my 100 followers celebration post I got this wonderful request from @luvroffictionalcharacters for 19 from the prompt list and it comes in at just under 2000 words! I hope you enjoy it my lovely, it’s been a really interesting experience writing from this perspective and I hope I was able to capture and convey the emotions I was going for. For any of you reading this who want to request anything my ask box is always open and if you follow this link it will take you to my 100 followers post which will hopefully give you an idea of the fun things I’m doing to celebrate you all. As always enjoy, leave a comment, reblog if you loved it and remain buoyant! ^_^* - L

"I just needed to hear your voice."

Memories of his voice flooded my mind as I stood in the middle of the now empty apartment. The floors were completely bare, no curtains hung on the windows, everything was gone but the thing that I noticed more than anything else, the thing that really got under my skin, it was quiet. So quiet it was deafening almost. A place that was once full of so much life, laughter and music. A home. And now it was empty. I can't help but look back on that day, my mind is logical and I want it to stay that way, not to give into the memories but my heart wins out. You see it was the day that changed everything.

"You need to make a choice Tammy." He'd said, he looked so frightened and it almost broke me to see him like that. It was our first proper argument, I've never regretted anything more than that, I walked out, left him there a mess. He had called earlier that day and I could hear it in his voice, the way he said my name, something was wrong. Things had changed between us, feelings grew and there came a point where I realised I didn't want to spend my life with anyone else but him. It was terrifying really and I often wondered what kind of a life we would have together, all evidence pointed to a good life. He was a good man, strong, sturdy, smart and kind. We were good together and I was sure he felt that too.

I thought back to before I knew him and couldn't remember ever being as happy as I was when I was with him, that wonderful, beautiful man. Kandomere arrived shortly after that, as soon as he was through the door he was on me. He nearly knocked me over and probably would have were it not for his hand planted firmly on my lower back holding me to him. His hands were everywhere, exploring every part of me and I remember it so well, the moment I got lost in him too. The way he smelled, the way his muscles felt pressed against my soft skin. His hair was like silk as I let it fall through my hands, his kisses were almost desperate and not knowing why, I returned the desperation, needing to feel him inside of me. It was more passionate than all other times and now, looking back I know why. He was afraid, frightened to ask me his question, afraid of my answer and terrified it would change everything and it did.

                                                                       *

I laughed to myself as I remembered the way that she spoke back then. She was full of confidence and my stomach flipped. I had never expected her. She still looked the same, still fit perfectly in my arms and I hers. Her grey eyes were always so inquisitive and yet knowing. I'd known from the very first moment we spoke that I loved her. She was so efficient, so clever, so logical and throughout our budding relationship I grew to learn to let go of it all, to trust in her knowing that she would not falter. She was so strong and the relief that I felt was overwhelming. Relief in that strength she carried that I'm not ashamed to admit, carried us both on more than one occasion.

She was surprised almost when I'd asked her out to dinner. She looked around her as though I was mad, but she had never been more beautiful, her short hair a mess, her hands and face covered in dirt and possibly some blood. But luckily for me she saw through my madness and agreed to let me take her out to dinner. "It was the best decision I ever made." She once told me. There were so many sleepless nights. She never admitted it but I knew she worried for me and as selfish as it is I was happy for that. Happy to have someone in my life who cared enough to worry, who knew enough to know I wasn't always strong. It was the last thing I ever could have expected, that Tammy would be the first face I wanted to see when I wake up and the last before I would close my eyes.

Montehugh had been the one who put me up to it, I was content for things to remain as they were, not happy about it of course but content. But my partner decided I needed to take things to the next level. He regaled me of the time he had proposed to his wife, he had his own concerns but assured me that nothing in this world mattered more than that moment. The look on her face when he asked and the tears of joy in her eyes when she had said yes. Weeks turned into months and I was beginning to suspect she may actually say yes. Montehugh droned on endlessly, the way she looked at me, the way she spoke, all the little things she did like ironing my shirt in the morning when she didn't really need to, or cooking me dinner when I promised I would cook for her, he wasn't an expert but he knew more than I did and so I decided to buy her a ring. Customary in her traditions, I was told this moment meant a lot to women and well, he was right. I smiled as I picked up my phone and saw her pretty face smiling back at me. "My love." I said and heard her sigh, she sounded almost relieved. "I just needed to hear your voice."

                                                                      *

I knew he was driving too fast, he always did and it was confirmed when he arrived not 15 minutes later, a drive that would take any sane person at least 30 minutes. He didn’t knock, I can’t remember the last time he knocked when he turned up at my apartment, it was a long time ago though that was for sure.

For a long moment he hesitated in the doorway, I watched his eyes wander over the place and I could see it in him too, a hint of sadness. And it was sad, I was sad, to be leaving a place I had called home for such a long time and while the prospect of being with him was wonderful to say the least, I almost didn’t want to give the place up.

“It feels cold, you’re not cold are you?” He asked stepping toward me and I shook my head, a small smile on my lips that I'm certain didn’t quite meet my eyes.

“Its just so empty. The gas has been shut off, no central heating.” I replied and he gave a nod of understanding. He took another step inside, his shoes sounded against the hard wooden flooring and echoed loudly throughout causing me to shiver slightly.

“I moved your dresser in. The paints dry now.” He said after a long while. He wanted to fill the silence and I adored him for it.

“It's dry that quickly?” I asked, I knew it was fast drying paint but I wanted to add something too to the conversation.

“Yes. The painters stayed until it was done.” He confirmed and I nodded in response.

A smile, a genuine smile began to work it’s way across my face, that familiar feeling of warmth spread through me, the one I only got when I thought of him. I wrapped my arms around my waist and closed my eyes enjoying the feeling. Being with him was like getting into a warm bed after a long winters day. It was safe, nurturing and pure comfort. There was once a time I had thought him cold, before I knew him of course. He wasn’t cold, he was an observer, a man who watched people rather than spoke. He could learn everything he needed to know about a person with a single glance and not a single word exchanged, but I knew I had given him a run for his money and I smiled even more at that thought.

I felt his arms wrap around my waist holding me firmly against him and sighed happily as I leaned my head back against his shoulder. He pressed his lips to my neck and kissed me lovingly.

“It is sad no?” He asked and I gave a nod.

“Yes. But I think I’ve made the right choice.” I replied, I knew that I had. It made more sense for us to move into his apartment, for now anyway he had said, in a year or so we would look at somewhere else but his apartment was bigger than mine and much nicer. ‘rich bastard.’ I had thought to myself on more than one occasion. It was closer to work for him and even closer for me too. At one point he had suggested that I could give up work, he would take care of me and I could stay home and write and create to my hearts content. He once told me that he would never forget the look on my face when he had suggested it and he wouldn’t dare suggest such a thing again, I laughed as I remembered that and I felt him smile too against my neck.

“Memories?” He whispered against my ear causing shivers to run through me and goosebumps to raise on my skin.

“Lots of memories.” I replied and turned myself in his arms to face him. “And not all about you.” I lied and he frowned down at me, his eyebrows furrowed as he poured.

“I'm offended.” He teased and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“No you’re not, liar.” I said and he chuckled as he swayed on his feet holding my stomach against his.

“You’re right I'm a liar. And we are going to be very late my sweetest of hearts if we don’t get a move on.” He said and I winced. The party was tonight, our engagement party. It was damned stupid of us to throw it today of all days but it was looking to be a good night. Our families would be there, friends and even a few work colleagues including Nick. I couldn’t help but smile devilishly at him remembering the look on his face when I’d invited Nick. He was my friend through who just happened to be a colleague and also the first orcish police officer on the LAPD. Not exactly my fault. I knew his annoyance was due to the incident that we never spoke of and not born from any kind of racism (despite the despicable emblem he wore that went into the bottom drawer as soon as I had anything to do with it.). He didn’t know exactly how much I knew of the incident and I wasn’t going to let on just how much I did know any time soon. “Tammy, love are you ready?” He asked gently.

I looked around us, from the window I would sit by whenever I had something serious to think about, to the coffee stain on the floorboard and then I looked back to him.

“I think I am.” I said sniffing back tears. He pulled me into him then and kissed my forehead and then I pulled away and took his hand in mine walking out of the apartment for the last time.

’Be brave Tammy.’ I said to myself and took a deep breath in as I locked the door and pushed the key back through the letterbox. ‘Be brave.’

I gotta say I wasn’t happy with this when I started writing it but I am damn happy with how it turned out! I love Tammy & Kandomere they’re total cuties together <3

Kandomere tags - @ladyinthefrozenlake