#geldegarde monotoli

[commandernachos]

Porky is Bad at Hiding His Drawings, or, alternatively, Porky's Villain Origin Story.

[eegasleega-will-change-this-l8r]

THIS

THIS SINGLE LINE HAS DONE THINGS TO MY MIND YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

i need to work on my montoli fic so badddddd he knows porky's just a kid oh my goddd

[jr-verse]

Everything has it's price!

[iheartpeppino]

OK so I realized I REALLY needed to re-write Giovanni Monotoli's character profile for the Pizza My Heart AU. I was doing revisions when I realized I completely messed up the timeline of his character.

So, I originally said that Giovanni became obsessed with wealth and power after viewing Geldegarde Monotoli's Mani Mani statue. Now, I've changed it so that he's ALWAYS been obsessed with wealth and power. He never actually saw the statue... but he did hear about it through Geldegarde. He's been determined to re-create his own Mani Mani statue and use it to control the city even more than he already does with his massive wealth and Count Beefsteak.

So just to clarify the timeline a bit:

1952: Joey Matzahfeld is born in NYC.

1972: Peppino Spaghetti is born.

1973: Joey Matzahfeld makes his first fortune playing the stock market. He becomes obsessed with wealth and power.

1981: Joey Matzahfeld marries Gilda Monotoli and legally changes his name to Giovanni Monotoli. They move to the town where Peppino lives.

1985: Melissa and Lena Monotoli are born to Gilda and Giovanni. Lena dies less than three months later. Both parents are devastated, their marriage now on the rocks.

1988: The events of EarthBound: Beginnings/MOTHER take place.

1993: Giovanni obtains Count Beefsteak and uses him to murder Celeste DiGiorno, Mike Wilde, and Sam Stouffer, the three CEOs of Pizza Boy Entertainment.

1994: The events of EarthBound/MOTHER 2 takes place.

2023: Peppino meets Melissa Monotoli. The events of Pizza Tower with Peppino takes place. Melissa falls in love with Peppino, much to Giovanni's chagrin.

2024: The events of the The Noise Update takes place. Melissa meets Maurice Spaghetti for the first time.

I've been meaning to post about this for a while because actually writing the character profiles for this AU has been hell for me. I can't re-write Giovanni's without spiraling into way too much detail. Clearly I'm not in the right frame of mind to do it now, so...

[incorrect-motherseries-quotes]

Monotoli: I once quoted a Vine in front of Porky. Nobody believes him and now he lives in fear of my supposed knowledge of the internet. It’s delightful.

[twothpaste]

earthbound old man tier list

S Tier: Doctor Andonuts. idc what anyone says, he is a fascinating bewilderful tragic morally dubious rubiks cube of a character, and if i think about him for longer than 10 seconds i get so emo i wanna dye my hair black and run away into the woods. he is also very funny. i would squash him like putty.

A Tier: Wess. mother 3 wouldn't be mother 3 without Wess and i'm not kidding. i love how he is written as both a terrifying abusive father and also a genuinely wise antifa ally, the duality of humanity or whatever. a bunch of his lines still give me chills to this day. especially [ this one ]

Leder as well. absolute fucking real one. imagine taking a vow of silence for the rest of your life to protect your beloved community, none of whom even can remember the sacrifices you've made for them, singlehandedly bearing a lifetime of unfathomable trauma to spare them theirs. he is atlas with the planet earth on his shoulders. yet another character who turns my brains into spaghetti-os.

B Tier: George is one of the most intriguing characters in the series. Boy, I wish Itoi took the time to actually Write him!!! so many questions, so little canon material, but my imagination does drive me a bit to madness with this guy I fear.

C Tier: the fuck do you mean Geldegarde Monotoli was super wicked evil under Giygas' influence, kidnapped Paula, took over Cartoon New York with sheer capitalist ruthlessness - then as soon as you break the Mani Mani statue he's like -tiny bichon frise sneeze- "ouuugghhh goodness gracious i'm so sorry, i don't know what came over me, i am so harmless and frail and made of pudding also" -little pekingese cough- and Paula is like "don't worry ness 👧 he was just a sweet old man all along lol!!!" nvm it's pretty funny actually

Grandpa Alec goes in C Tier too. imo he's well written in chapter 1. his reaction to grief feels really off-kilter in a strangely human & believable way, like?? he is snapping at Lucas and immediately feeling remorse, cracking jokes to try and assure Flint (and himself) everything is ok when it clearly isn't, kooky silly and also unsettling at the same time. i think people forget that he's also a messy clumsy maladjusted grieving dad, just like Flint. but after chapter 1 he kinda falls off, doesn't have much interesting to say or add to the story. i find myself kinda wishing Lucas had a closer relationship to his grandpa implied post-timeskip… oh well.

is Jonel old? his sprite doesn't look ancient but considering his attitude & his adult kids I imagine him to be in his 60's probably. i like that he's a bit of an asshole, and his moment at the prayer sanctuary implies a religious aspect to the village that's super intriguing… iirc he has a line all the way in New Pork where he trash talks Flint for still holding out hope & tryin to find Claus, and it's like?? damn, Jonel, a cunt to the bitter end!! gotta love that.

likewise Mayor Pusher is one of those Tazmily villagers who really highlights how fake & callous some of these people can be. i love the part toward the end of chapter 7 where he blabbers about how much he hates this hick town and he's so eager to leave already, and when he catches Lucas eavesdropping iirc he's rude as ever to him. what a douchebag! no wonder his son is so depressed ❤️

Nippolyte is a benign real one and I like him, even though there's not much to him.

wish Scamp did or said literally anything of note before dying. oh well

D Tier: yeah fuck Mr. Carpainter though. i don't believe for a second he was solely driven to become a cult leader by alien brainwashing alone, dude's gonna be on some MLM shit within a year mark my words

??? Tier: i don't consider Mother 3 Porky an old man, i consider him Very a forever thirteen year old trapped in a sickly grotesque disproportionaltely aging body. but if you do consider him an old man, he's in the stratosphere tier blowing up the moon

[zirhlikuzgun]

January's classic experience: A classic saga of January's good-old adventures (prior to the Pokémon experience) - Part 114 = {Driving Ib and Ib - Part 114 🠊 The Triss team's sitcom show - Part 114 🠊 Parody adventures with Luffe and Sjanne - Part 114 🠊 The Angora guys by night - Part 114 🠊 Fritz and Poul (ft. Split) records their livestream commentary for "January and co.'s hero-brave sad-to-fab quest thru their hero-brave journey from sad to fab" - Part 114} ▶ [Mr. Müller's audio/video commentary for "January and co.'s hero-brave sad-to-fab quest thru their hero-brave journey from sad to fab"] January's hero-brave journey from sad to fab - Part 114 = [Mr. Schüster's audio commentary for "January and co.'s pre-historic quest"] January and co.'s pre-historic quest - Part 114 = January and co. saves the day, to break the pre-historic spell - Part 23: January and co. fights those crises in Planet Madson - Part 9: January and co. are rescuing Sessy again, cause Sessy are luckily rejoining back to January's gang

And now, back to the show.

...Threed disappears and it allows January and co. to travel to the next city called Fourside, but unfortionately, a large traffic jam forces January and co. to travel through the desert in order to reach the city, and eitherway, through the desert, they find the excavator George Montague who tries to dig for gold, and asks for food from January and co., so anyway, January and co. gives him food, and they're therefore traveling through the desert ahead over the rest of the way into Fourside. When January and co. had arrived at Fourside, they're entering the Monotoli building and finds Porky again, now in cohorts with the city mayor, Geldegarde Monotoli, who has been corrupted by the strange Mani-Mani statue, but not wanting January to interfere, Porky forces January and co. out of the Monotoli building and into the desert, so now however, back there, they find Montague again in a much deeper hole, who explains in a distress that five large moles are infesting the mine, and luckily, by defeating the moles, Montague gives January a diamond, which he uses again to help the Runaway Five out of debt, who then gives a final show alongside the singer Venus, and eitherway, as they're wishing to celebrate, January and co. goes shopping at a department store only to have Sessy kidnapped by the department store's unidentified Spook, who also creates a blackout in the store and causes monsters to appear, so however, January and co. proceeds to find her, and along the way, they proceeds to the spook and defeats him, but they find that Sessy is no longer with it and is now with Monotoli himself, but however, after hearing various rumors that Monotoli visits the Fourside cafe often, January and co. arrives at the cafe, only to find a wounded Everdread, who had stolen the Mani-Mani statue from the carpainter in the Happy Happy village, but found the statue stolen from him by Monotoli, so however, Everdread tells January to check behind the cafe's counter, which warps them to a weird, hallucinogenic counterpart of Fourside known as Moonside, so now, suddenly, January and co. are awfully navigating through Moonside, as they discover and destroy a hallucination-projecting relic called the evil Mani Mani statue, which causes Moonside to disappear, and then afterwards, back in reality, January and co. continues their search only to discover that Porky and the mayor had both taken Sessy, and anyway, the apple kid once again calls January about a new invention called the yogurt dispenser, albeit it only is able to dispense trout yoghurt at this time, and sends it to January through the "neglected class" of Escargo Express, well however, the delivery boy carelessly drops the dispenser in the desert, forcing January to return there yet again, and anyway, there, he encounters a talking monkey that takes him to Talah Rama, a wise sage that gives January the yogurt dispenser and teaches him PK Teleport, and then later, January and co. are therefore returning back to Fourside, where they gives the dispenser to Monotoli's maid, who allows January and co. to enter the Monotoli building free of charge, so now, by the way, January and co. navigates the building, and are unfortunately battling various sentry robots before encountering a clumsy robot, who, despite its weak appearance, is surprisingly powerful, but anyway, fortunately, the Runaway Five barge in and turns off the robot, and January and co. proceeds to Monotoli's office, where Monotoli cowers in fear due to losing the Mani-Mani statue, and then, however, but luckily, because January and co. had defeated the evil Mani Mani statue, the mayor returns to normal, while Porky escapes in the mayor's helicopter, and then afterwards, January and co. rescues Sessy again, hence Sessy are again rejoining back to January's gang. Well anyway, Monotoli are also explaining to January that the statue constantly told him to not allow January and co. to enter Hobby-madson, concluding that January should go to Hobby-madson in order to slow Giygas' plans, and however, although the mayor tells January and co....

We'll be right back after the break...

[abybweisse]

Jane has a Mother2 parallel

Earlier today, I said Jane might parallel a precursor to Li'l Ms. Marshmallow, and yes. She does.

@princess-adrienne reminded me I needed to look into Electra, Pokey Minch's maid while he's working as a consultant for Geldegarde Monotoli, and that's in Mother2, aka EarthBound. Technically, she's Monotoli's maid, working in Monotoli Building, in Fourside, but she serves Pokey whenever he's visiting.

Porky Minchi (Pokey Minch in the EarthBound localization) is "upgraded" to King Porky in Mother3, and Electra is the human precursor to Li'l Ms. Marshmallow. By the events of Mother3, Electra would have died, simply because so much time has passed. Porky doesn't die when he becomes King Porky, simply because the prototype of Dr. Andonuts' time machine keeps him alive, even though he's aged considerably due to a fault in the prototype. While he's "king", King Porky keeps a robot as a maid, and she seems to be based on Electra, possibly as a reminder of her to him.

So, Jane is Electra's parallel, as she's working as a soldier/maid for Chris Heathfield at Heathfield Manor, in Yorkshire. Electra is the human precursor to Li'l Ms. Marshmallow (a machine), while Jane is like a (presumably) human precursor to Layla (an advanced bizarre doll). When Jane's hair is down, you can see how she's an older looking version of Layla but with a shorter braid. Forget age; the shorter braid makes Jane a precursor, as an adversary, and we encounter Jane first anyway, so she's a precursor time-wise, too.

Annie (and to a lesser degree Ran-Mao) becomes the main parallel to Paula in this situation, even though I've already got other parallels to Paula in other Black Butler situations.

I have to choose Annie over Ran-Mao for Paula because Ran-Mao's drugs wear off quickly, whereas Annie has to be disconnected from the machinery and woken up.

According to the fandom wiki, Paula's weakness is paralysis.

That leaves Mey-Rin and Ran-Mao as the parallels to Ness and Jeff here, since they are the ones infiltrating the joint to set the maids free, just like Ness and Jeff set Paula free. Ness is generally going to be a stand-in for Lucas when it's a Mother2 parallel instead of Mother3, and whoever Ness is with is typically a stand-in for whoever is with Lucas at the time (which is usually Boney, the dog)... so Mey-Rin serves as a stand-in for our earl while Ran-Mao serves as a stand-in for Sebastian. Notice that Ran-Mao and Jeff Andonuts (Dr. Andonuts' son) have the same short, straight, shiny, and very evenly-cut bangs. (His sprites in the game show his hair to be shiny.)

This makes Geldegarde Monotoli (new mayor of Fourside) the parallel to Chris Heathfield (baron of Heathfield Manor), which makes perfect sense, because Monotoli keeps Paula as a hostage, just like Heathfield essentially keeps all those maids (particularly Annie) as hostages in his basement.

Here's Electra (for Jane), Monotoli (for Heathfield), and Paula (for Annie):

He's not a strong enemy to begin with, but when Monotoli is released from Giygas' influence, he's very physically weak, and that reminds me of Ran-Mao beating Heathfield up before she's added to the other maids plus all the released maids (minus Ran-Mao) beating him up again as soon as he shows up after their release. 😆

Afterwards, Monotoli relinquishes the town of Fourside back to the previous mayor and becomes a low-level worker again. Heathfield is still a baron, of course, but Polaris reports that the guy was arrested.

Jane gets one last major parallel to Electra because, as @princess-adrienne pointed out, Electra specifically says she doesn't really care about what Pokey Minch is doing -- she's not entirely swayed by his goals -- but she will fight on behalf of whichever side seems stronger. And that's very similar to Jane's approach to working for Heathfield and the Aurora Society's operations there, which she swears she doesn't know much about. Neither Electra nor Jane is especially loyal to her respective employer/master.

[wyvernseeker]

Possible Fridge Brilliance - EarthBound

In EarthBound, Ness has to fight the embodiment of darkness and evil in his mental world Magicant in the form of Ness’ Nightmare, with said nightmare looking like the Mani-Mani Statue. Odd choice, right, given how Ness’ chubster neighbor Porky seems like a better fit for Ness’ Nightmare to appear as? However, we do see Porky inside Ness’ Magicant, with him genuinely wishing to be friends with Ness again. Porky’s appearance and dialogue in Magicant is evidence as to WHY Ness’ Nightmare doesn’t appear as him, as Ness still considers Porky a friend who’s being mind-controlled and manipulated by evil forces. 

The Mani-Mani Statue, on the other hand, IS something that brings out the evil and malice in people as we see from the people Porky works for that have the statue, beginning with Mr. Carpainter creating a cult in Happy Happy Village to Geldegarde Monotoli taking over Fourside as mayor. To Ness, the statue is the reason why Porky becomes so malicious and awful, and therefore, a perfect visage for Ness’ Nightmare to take.

[commandernachos]

Hugs for Porky

[eegasleega-will-change-this-l8r]

Cannot overstate how much I love this sad old man

Mr. Geldegarde Monotoli, mayor of Fourside, rich in fame and fortune, servant of Master Giygas, absolutely sopping wet pathetic old loser who bit off WAY more than he could chew

I started writing my fic about him and Porky just because I thought their dynamic could be funny to explore, then as I wrote it it just naturally developed into the central theme of Monotoli seeing the good kid within Porky and trying to bring it out by being the kind and caring person he never had in his life and aaahhhhhh (god i haven't worked on it in ages i need to get back around to it aojdjoalkdjdk)

So I love Monotoli because he's a big spineless coward and I just love pathetic characters, but unlike, say, Aloysius, he's not an actively terrible person He gets caught up in his own ambition and greed and then immediately gets slammed in the face by the consequences of his actions Constant visions and nightmares, the guilt of everything he's done, his natural anxiety and fear being amplified by the Mani Mani statue, Porky (a fate worse than death) So he's stuck in this position and deal that he's suddenly realized he doesn't want, forced to continue to do more evil for Giygas

BUT he's also a good person!! He sees the good in Porky and wants him to be safe and happy, he makes sure to treat Paula well when he has to kidnap her, he immediately helps Ness and his friends when he's finally broken free of the statue, he's actually a very sweet guy when he's not being ordered around by a horrifying demonic evil

So I see Monotoli as being a guy with a pretty strong set of morals, horrified at the idea of doing anything wrong, but who got caught up in Fourside's business culture and becoming rich and influential Unfortunately he absolutely was not cut out for it and suffered failure after failure, until when he was at his most desperate he was approached with a deal He took it, rode the high of being on top for a couple days (in which he was incredibly nasty), then abruptly crashed as the ramifications set in His ending in the game is really sweet to me, having given everything he had wanted so much before back to everyone and taking a simple job as a doorman

So I always thought of Monotoli being, like, Italian (or Summers...ian I guess) Like his whole role being "businessman buys up the city, runs everything with armed goons, etc" feels like a spin on the mafia (subverted with him being a super meek cowardly guy who doesn't actually like the power he's gotten) Plus "Monotoli" just sounded Italian to me when I first played It's actually Japanese, "Geldegarde" is German for "guards riches" iirc, his name in the Japanese version was "Monomichi Monotoly" which is something like "has-riches steals-riches" So like a different localization of his name could be, like, "Richwealth Burglerson" or something Anyway he's still Italian for me

I see trout yogurt as being this weird niche thing that pretty much everyone finds disgusting, EXCEPT for Monotoli who absolutely loves the stuff It's hard to get in Eagleland (because nobody else likes it) so he has to get it imported, but the prices skyrocketed when it became known that it was Mr. Monotoli's favorite food and everyone started trying to emulate him (the industry completely crashed when he lost his power over everybody and they all realized it was gross)

He's probably Catholic, can't really get into any specifics because I know nothing about religion, but it definitely plays into his dilemma with having made a deal with what's basically the devil and now being forced to do evil

He has like a full-on Mr. Monopoly-type outfit that he wears for special occasions as the mayor I actually drew him in it a while ago but he looks wayyy too cool, if he's this well-dressed he needs to look like someone just poured a bucket of water on him to balance it out (also i meant to give him a sash but by the time i remembered it was too late)

[iheartpeppino]

I'm a little nervous about posting this next character profile for the Pizza My Heart AU... because there is quite a bit of dark subject matter in it. This next profile focuses on Giovanni Monotoli.

WARNING: The following profile contains mentions of child death, spousal abuse, murder, and child abuse. Read at your own risk.

Giovanni Matzahfeld-Monotoli:

Our secondary antagonist. Melissa Monotoli's father, Giovanni is the richest and most dangerous man in the town where Peppino lives. Born under the name Joey Matzahfeld, he renamed himself after marrying his current wife, Gilda Monotoli. Giovanni was originally a blue collar worker from New York City who happened to get lucky playing the stock market and making business investments. Back then, he loved investing in small businesses because he got to watch them grow. After marrying Gilda, he met her brother, the infamous Geldegarde Monotoli, and even got a peek at his Mani Mani statue... an event that forever changed Giovanni. The Mani Mani statue awakened the evils in Giovanni's heart, and his formerly kind persona evaporated like water in the desert.

Since then, Giovanni became obsessed with wealth and power, flaunting it every chance he got and becoming incredibly narcissistic. He no longer invested in small businesses, calling every small business owner he met “a small fry” he was too good to deal with. He softened up temporarily when Gilda gave birth to twin girls, Melissa and Lena Monotoli. However, when Lena tragically passed away from SIDS, Giovanni's dark side took over once more. He angrily blamed Gilda for Lena's death. Gilda was FURIOUS, threatening to divorce Giovanni and take all his money. However, Giovanni threatened her back, saying if she tried that, he would make their divorce court case a media circus, and her life a living hell. So, Gilda stayed married to a man she hated, avoiding him as much as humanly possible.

Giovanni was particularly devastated by Lena's death because, in order to have his daughters, he had to turn to Pizzamancer for help at the time, as he had fertility issues, and nothing else was working. Pizzamancer made a fertility pizza for Giovanni to eat, and that's how Giovanni was able to get Gilda pregnant. Knowing he almost had two beautiful baby daughters, only to lose one, devastated him. After that tragedy, Giovanni refers to Melissa as his “most valuable treasure”. Despite this, he was not a good father to Melissa. Because Melissa was a bit spoiled by her mother as a child, she was often very defiant towards Giovanni. Giovanni would respond by disciplining Melissa... but he always went too far, yelling and screaming at her, cursing at her, and even hitting her. The worst part is that he kept this hidden from Gilda. Melissa could do nothing except cry, afraid to tell her mother what was happening for fear of making her situation worse.

Giovanni was previously the biggest investor in Pizza Boy's Pizz-Pizza. During that time, Totino the Pizza Boy often visited Melissa at the Monotoli mansion for playdates. There, Totino witnessed how Giovanni treated Melissa, but did not interfere since... well, he wasn't any older than Melissa herself, and Giovanni scared him. All he could do was comfort Melissa when she cried...

When Melissa nearly died at her eighth birthday party, it scared Giovanni half-to-death. It also infuriated him to the point where he tracked down the then-current CEOs of Pizza Boy's Pizz-Pizza and murdered them in cold blood. He managed to get away with it because the police failed to find any evidence connecting him to the crime. Apparently, the only way they were able to identify the bodies was through their dental records. Guardianship of Totino the Pizza Boy was given to Pizzamancer after that. It wouldn't be until many years later that Pizzahead figured out who killed his three parents. Needless to say, he isn't happy with Giovanni, and is still trying to plot the perfect revenge scheme.

Peppino also isn't fond of Giovanni. When Melissa told her father that she was dating Peppino, he laughed hysterically, thinking Melissa was telling a joke. When she clarified that she wasn't joking, Giovanni immediately disapproved of her dating “a small fry”, telling her she could do better than “a crappy pizza chef with a failing restaurant and a bad mustache”. Peppino nearly throws hands with Giovanni, but Melissa, knowing how dangerous her father is, warns him not to. While Peppino can't exactly die, he CAN get hurt, and of course Melissa doesn't want that. So, Peppino just fumes while Giovanni insults him, trying to figure out a way to humble his pompous ass once and for all so that he can date – and eventually marry – Melissa without any problems.

(I apologize if this is too dark for some people and I will gladly lighten things up if y'all want me to.)

[amphibizzy]

dear Geldegarde “totally not donild turnip” Monotoli your ass is grass

[ladystylestores]

Homebound with EarthBound | Ars Technica

EarthBound got a nice Nintendo Power push. But in retrospect, Nintendo of America, you could’ve tried a lot harder with this trailer.

Give me 10 minutes. I need to defeat five giant moles so the miner can find the gold… which I need to get $1 million and bail out the rock band… who can arrange a meeting with the evil real-estate-developer-turned-mayor I need to beat down.

My partner doesn’t get it, which I completely understand. When I first tried EarthBound, I didn’t either. The now-cult-classic SNES title first arrived in the United States in June 1995. And I, a nine-year-old, had no chance. I craved action as a kid gamer, and that largely meant co-op, multiplayer, and sports titles (a lot of NBA Jam, Street Fighter, and Turtles in Time). Nothing about EarthBound, particularly when only experienced piecemeal through a weekend rental window, would ever speak to me. As one of the most high-profile JRPGs of the early SNES era, it embodied all the stereotypes eventually associated with the genre: at-times batshit fantastical storylines; slow, s l o w pacing; virtually non-existent action mechanics.

Frankly, I wasn’t alone. Based on its sales, not many gamers seemed to understand EarthBound, and it’s not clear Nintendo did, either. What on Earth does the trailer above say to you? In the late 1980s and early 1990s, the company again and again (and again) tried to find a hit JRPG in the States without much success. Nintendo literally gave away games like Dragon Warrior—as a Nintendo Power pack-in—and still couldn’t find an audience. Even the heralded Final Fantasy franchise struggled initially, as Nintendo brought it stateside with a big, splashy map-filled box that no one seemed to care about in the moment.

But a quarter-century later, I can’t stop pushing the power switch on my SNES Classic to spend time with Ness and company. Part of it is me; I’m much older and, in theory, have more patience despite how things like social media and smartphones may be slowly destroying our collective ability to focus. People liked EarthBound better in 2013, too, when Nintendo finally re-released the game for the first time in decades on the WiiU Virtual Console. But part of my newfound appreciation is inevitably the timing of this recent play-through. The compounding pandemics of 2020 have changed the way we all approach the world; FOMO has all but evaporated. (Do I need to constantly doomscroll on Twitter to get all the depressing news as it happens? Should I plan a vacation so I can sit inside doing nothing particularly active somewhere more scenic?) In some ways, there is nothing but time, meaning an indulgent, leisurely, complex game suddenly offers a new value proposition.

More than any of that, however, all my time spent homebound with EarthBound—nearly 20 hours and counting despite a newborn and no work stoppages around the Orbital HQ—comes down to the game itself. To a subset of modern gamers, EarthBound‘s legacy may simply be introducing Ness to legions of Super Smash Bros. disciples. But on the 25th anniversary of this game’s arrival, it actually seems more suited for our current moment than ever.

My parents had no idea what kind of game I was renting at age 9.

Nathan Mattise (yes, photographing his living room TV)

Excuse me, what is happening here?

This cop has watched way too much Elliot Stabler in his life.

Nathan Mattise (yes, photographing his living room TV)

At least the pro at the Onett Times captured the moment: “Police attack innocent boy!!” Evidently it was caught on videotape by a bystander and will air on the local news.

The Insane Cultists are obsessed with blue but really look like they prefer white.

Does Scientology involve beatdowns?

Nathan Mattise (yes, photographing his living room TV)

Why are the kinda crazy ones obsessed with having their name on the building?

Nathan Mattise (yes, photographing his living room TV)

A plot for 1995, a plot for 2020

If it’s been a while or (like me) you never bothered in the first place, EarthBound takes place in a not-so-subtly veiled version of the US, literally called Eagleland in-game. Our hero (whose name defaults to “Ness” but can be changed as you see fit) grew up in the sleepy and seemingly mundane suburb Onett. Other “numbered” suburbs like Twoson soon follow.

Things are not as idealistic as they first appear. In these shining cities on various hills, an alien called Giygas has landed and seeped an evil influence into everything. You have to fight Runaway Dogs and Cranky Bag Ladies now. And post-invasion, every town has developed a problem for you to work through, each feeling eerily prescient in 2020.

In Onett, for example, bad cops feature prominently. Even after you rid the town of a pogostick-riding gang called the Sharks, you can’t just leave Onett because Captain Strong and his police force instead threaten to beat you down for trying. EarthBound originally came out within years of the beating of Rodney King, and it features four cops ganging up on a kid. Captain Strong literally attacks you with submission chokeholds. Nine-year-old me must have been confused if I even got this far, but adult me did a double take as society continues to grapple with the tragic deaths of Black Americans like George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Rayshard Brooks, and Elijah McClain at the hands of police.

The cops of Onett merely come first, but that’s far from the only blunt observation on American life awaiting EarthBound players. In Twoson, your future friend and squadmate Paula has been abducted by a religious cult called the Happy Happy Religious Group. The group obsesses over turning everything blue, but, uh, they resemble a much whiter real-world analogue and maintain a similar disposition toward others (“Your existence is a problem for me and my religion,” says cult leader Mr. Carpainter before he attempts to dismantle you). EarthBound‘s creator Shigesato Itoi may have again been responding to events of his day, as the Boss Fights Book on EarthBound points out the game was developed during the feds’ siege on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco.

But with their character design and dialogue (“I think those who won’t paint everything blue are opposed to peace,” another says), the Happy Happy Religious Group probably doesn’t remind players of David Koresh anymore. Instead, my mind wandered to a much different modern-day cult, draped in white sheets or Stars and Bars, that pushes red on everyone instead. (As EarthBound’s subtle commentary-cherry on top, Paula’s “pray” ability during battle proves unpredictable and often detrimental if used.)

These storylines, rich in social commentary, come up again and again, and I’m barely approaching EarthBound‘s halfway mark. In fact, I just arrived in the big city of Fourside where a “regular unattractive real estate” developer named Geldegarde Monotoli has risen up the political ranks to become mayor. The guy’s name has been emblazoned on a big skyscraper acting as a de facto city hall. He takes political and economic advice from a privileged, bratty neighborhood kid. And Monotoli tries (and apparently succeeds) at both forcing police to do his bidding and manipulating the media in his favor—The Fourside Post’s lead story when I entered town was “Over 70% of Fourside citizens support Monotoli.” Hmm. Perhaps, as Cord Jefferson (a writer on HBO’s Watchmen) recently put it on a podcast: “History is prescient. The things we touch on are just things that have been complaints of my parents, my grandparents, and my great-grandparents.”

Listing image by Nathan Mattise (yes, photographing his living room TV)

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[iheartpeppino]

So I wanted to explain something about "When The Moon Hits Your Eye"... what if I told you guys that it's not just a Pizza Tower AU?

What if I told you all it's a crossover AU with EarthBound?

Melissa Monotoli's mother, Gilda, is the sister of an anatagonist character from EarthBound, Geldegarde Monotoli. (To clarify, Melissa's father, Giovanni, took his wife's last name.) Geldegarde is Melissa's uncle, whom she refers to as "Uncle G".

I won't go into everything Geldegarde did, but here's a wiki page. Anyway... after the events of EarthBound, Geldegarde warned the rest of his family frequently about the evils of being too greedy for money and power, knowing full well how affluent and influential the rest of his family already was. The only one who really seemed to listen to him was young Melissa, who was 10 years old at the time EarthBound took place.

Melissa developed a close bond with her uncle Geldegarde, as he would often regale her with stories from Eagleland and other places he'd traveled to. It meant a lot to Geldegarde to set a better example for Melissa and bond with her, as the guilt of kidnapping Paula Jones was still eating at him, and would haunt him until the end of his days.

The proper events of "When The Moon Hits Your Eye" takes place during modern times, so not only is Melissa all grown up, but all the characters from EarthBound are much older... or dead. Geldegarde Monotoli is, sadly, dead. Melissa remembers him fondly, as does her mother. Giovanni thinks his brother-in-law was a weakling.

Now... do I think Ness and the other protagonists from EarthBound will show up in this AU? Maybe. I don't know. I mean... why make Melissa related to an EarthBound character and not bring in Ness, Paula, Jeff and Poo? I'm just not sure what to do with them yet.

[eegasleega-will-change-this-l8r]

Uhhhh sure Aloysius interpretation post why not

So Aloysius is a hilarious character to me, the guy's just a plain jerk with no redeeming qualities whatsoever (even Fassad loved his mouse and had a family that cared about him) And then after being an awful guy for the entire game he just ends up completely bankrupt sobbing in a bar about his misfortunes while his wife is cozying up to Mr. Prettyman back at home

So whenever he gets involved in any of my musings I'm pretty much invariably expanding on this and using him as a punching bag (literally so in one of my last posts)

So, basically, Aloysius is a big, insecure loser He's always been this whiny doofus desperate for respect and wealth, but not being able to get it He and Lardna were probably, like, high school or college "sweethearts," meaning he was obsessed with her (popular rich girl that would instantly raise him to the popular circle) and she liked the way he would do literally anything she asked him to with no self-respect whatsoever

Predictably enough, their marriage wasn't particularly cozy Just ended up together largely because it's the expected course for straight couples and they had to keep their respectable image Had kids because that's the next step that comes with that.

(I made this stupid thing for Valentine's Day this year, guess posting it here works)

And so the Minch family begins, and Aloysius becomes increasingly more frustrated with the lack of respect he's earned in life His kids are ungrateful drains on his wallet that don't listen to him unless he raises his fist at them His wife never paid him any mind before of course, but they were a husband and wife now and she should be obeying him like a proper spouse, right? r-right, honey? But she seemed even less interested in him than she ever had before, and now even seemed like she resented him for tying her to this family. When all he's ever tried to do is make her happy! The nerve! And none of his neighbors respected him, despite being one of the richest and most traditional families in town. Heck, he even tried to buy the next-door neighbor's gratitude with a loan, but now whenever he brings it up that idiot father just laughs and slaps him on the back like they're pals or something!

So yeah, lots of tension around the Minch household. Aloysius feels completely spiteful about how he perceives his status, and is desperate to have someone below him on the social ladder that he can push around - this usually ends up being his children, because he's a horrible human being

So this all changes when his son runs off one day

This is at first infuriating - oh yes, yes, I'm worried sick too, of course - until he gets a phone call from Porky. At first he starts screaming at him, until Porky tells him where he is and he falls completely silent. Porky's made it big. He's in the city now with one Mr. Geldegarde Monotoli, and the two of them are now the richest men in Eagleland. How'd you like to be our new business partner, Dad?

Aloysius drops everything and packs his bags with stars and dollar signs in his eyes, hightailing it to Fourside without even telling his wife or younger son. He's finally getting the life he deserves, and his old one can rot.

So Aloysius Minch is living it up, fawning over Porky and Monotoli and profiting off their success, living it up in absolute luxury and success without having to lift a finger himself

I have this WIP fic about Porky and Monotoli that Aloysius gets to have a role in, so I have a lot of super fun stuff with him here but I shouldn't get into all of it if I don't want it to be spoiled before I ever actually release it

Long story short, one day the Monotoli Corporation's stock plummets to the depths of Hades, no warning whatsoever Aloysius is woken out of one of his daily naps and nearly has a heart attack when he find out that all the riches he invested are completely gone

Immediately he flips out and starts looking for Porky to scream at him, but his son is nowhere to be found. He's fled to who-knows-where, and apparently had the foresight to liquidize all his riches before the crash He turns to shout at Monotoli instead who's now just as powerless and pathetic as he is, but (this is one of my fanfic ideas slipping through) Monotoli grows a spine for the first time in his life and throws Aloysius out

So Aloysius runs sobbing to the bar to drink his sorrows away, too ashamed to go home where his wife and that other kid are probably furious at him, and that's him at the end of the game

I think when he eventually does go back, she's probably hardly noticed how long he's been gone at all. Much to his displeasure, she's been having a positively lovely time with Mr. Prettyman. He's so good with money, do you know? And what about you? Did you bring anything back from your little trip?

Unsurprisingly they get a divorce not long after. Lardna gets practically everything, Aloysius moves into a waitwaitwaitwaitwait i was just gonna say an apartment but wouldn't it be funny if he moved into the seaside house in the game my god that'd be hilarious ahhhhhh and it could be Ness who sells it to him too holy fudge that's so good

So yeah, Aloysius is a pathetic jerk with insecurities that he takes out on his kids, and when he ends up burning bridges to go and short-sightedly chase his fortune, it completely crashes and burns and he ends up far lower than he was to begin with