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[shamelessballoonwizard]

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[pepperscorn]

gonna liveblog some ddadds maybe. depends

[joeysworkbench]

VIDEO GAME SENSE MEMORY Episode I: Dianogas in My Milk

The last time I had a break between gigs I had a compulsion to break out my Nintendo 64 and play one of my favorite games of all time, Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire.  I dug it out from under my bed, hooked up the console, got out my favorite red controller, the one I ALWAYS used, and popped in the cartridge.  First flip of the switch...nothing.  No worries, just give it the classic cartridge/console "blow" and try again...still nothing.  A tiny bit of saliva on the pinky and rub it on the contacts...nothing.  Blow, shake, quick drop, hard flip...again nothing.  On/off, on/off, on/off a half dozen times real fast...no dice.  I was heartbroken, a favorite piece of my formative years lost to the ether. 

I know what you're thinking.  You brought your Nintendo 64 all the way from Massachusetts?  Aren't you like 30?  Yes, asshole, I am almost 30 and I did in fact pack ALL my video games and consoles into my truck when I first drove out here 3 1/2 years ago.  Video games were an undeniably important part of my life.  My brother, my two best friends and even my Dad and I shared lasting memories of gaming sessions with everything from the freaking Commodore 128 up to the current generation consoles. 

Whenever I play an old game I get a rush of fantastic feelings from memories in the same way that finding an old stuffed animal in the attic or seeing a picture of a departed loved one makes all those memories come rushing back.  It sets me on a euphoric path down the proverbial memory lane while simultaneously inspiring me to find and create new memories that will have the same effect years from now.  I have so many stories that I love to remember, love to tell, and no matter how many times I've told them or you've heard them the high only gets better. 

This weekend I have decided against all odds that I am going to bring that tired old Shadows cartridge back to life.  Armed with some Q-tips, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, some lint free cloths and a healthy dose of youtube cartridge cleaning tutorials I'm going to wipe away time's filthy curtain of decay and flux capacitor (makes a better verb than Delorean) myself back to 1997 and the frenzied glee of surviving the terror of Coruscant's sewer.  As well as laying an old school beat down on the galaxy's most overrated, Boba Fett. 

Thinking about Shadows this morning reminded me of one of my,oddest, yet fondest video game related memories.  The night I first played the sewer level and feared the dianogas in my milk.  It was late on a weeknight in the winter, it was pitch black out and I had been playing the game all night since I got back from doing my paper route.  My best friend and I had both bought the game and were playing it concurrently across the street from each other.  I had reached the sewer level first and beat it just as I was called to dinner, spaghetti and meatballs to be exact.  If you've never played the game the sewer is populated by Dianogas, they are basically globular bodies with tons of tentacles and a creepy eye on a stem (similar to a periscope).  They make roaring sounds and bite you with hidden mouths while lashing you with their whip like tentacles.  Being a sewer, the water is murky and you have no choice but to go in it.  Dianogas are everywhere.  Basically, these creatures look like meatballs with spaghetti coming out of them (pictured)

I sat there pushing my food around my plate like the Beaver, or Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years.  My parents insisted I eat faster and as always put the hard sell on the "cavalry" maneuver,  AKA, "force feeding me what I refused to eat"  To make matters worse I was drinking a huge glass of milk.  A dense, murky liquid I observed to be the perfect place for dianogas to hide.  Great...

Of course since you're reading this we can, most likely, safely say there were no dianogas in that milk as I am still alive to tell you this more than 15 years later (although I'm not sure how long it takes tiny dianogas to kill you and I still drink milk warily and haven't eaten spaghetti and meatballs since I took over responsibility of preparing my own meals).  Immediately after dinner I had to call across the street and find out if he had also faced these horrid abominations.  He had not, so I proceeded to warn him about the impending nightmare and recounted my battle with the evenings vittles.  I'm pretty sure the only thing he heard during the whole conversation was the phrase "Dianogas in my milk" because he repeated it constantly and shoehorned it into every conversation we had for days on end.  Even now it's like a code phrase, we say it and both laugh hysterically (although I'm crying on the inside) and everyone glares at us wondering what the hell a Dianoga is. 

This weekend, I will fix that cartridge and I will face that nightmare again.  Happily.  When I beat that level I'll call him on the phone and will undoubtedly say "Dude...fucking dianogas in my milk"  We'll laugh hysterically and then have an endless conversation bringing up countless other video game memories we have together and both take our leave feeling happy and accomplished.  I'd love to share more of these memories with you, and I hope to hear some of yours. 

Until next time...BEWARE THE DIANOGA