#game. i don't know which one yet but i wanted to do water-type. but i was like. maybe i'll liveblog it on my main blog. yesterday

[front-facing-pokemon]

[exeggcute]

the great reddit API meltdown of '23, or: this was always bound to happen

there's a lot of press about what's going on with reddit right now (app shutdowns, subreddit blackouts, the CEO continually putting his foot in his mouth), but I haven't seen as much stuff talking about how reddit got into this situation to begin with. so as a certified non-expert and Context Enjoyer I thought it might be helpful to lay things out as I understand them—a high-level view, surveying the whole landscape—in the wonderful world of startups, IPOs, and extremely angry users.

disclaimer that I am not a founder or VC (lmao), have yet to work at a company with a successful IPO, and am not a reddit employee or third-party reddit developer or even a subreddit moderator. I do work at a startup, know my way around an API or two, and have spent twelve regrettable years on reddit itself. which is to say that I make no promises of infallibility, but I hope you'll at least find all this interesting.

profit now or profit later

before you can really get into reddit as reddit, it helps to know a bit about startups (of which reddit is one). and before I launch into that, let me share my Three Types Of Websites framework, which is basically just a mental model about financial incentives that's helped me contextualize some of this stuff.

(1) website/software that does not exist to make money: relatively rare, for a variety of reasons, among them that it costs money to build and maintain a website in the first place. wikipedia is the evergreen example, although even wikipedia's been subject to criticism for how the wikimedia foundation pays out its employees and all that fun nonprofit stuff. what's important here is that even when making money is not the goal, money itself is still a factor, whether it's solicited via donations or it's just one guy paying out of pocket to host a hobby site. but websites in this category do, generally, offer free, no-strings-attached experiences to their users.

(I do want push back against the retrospective nostalgia of "everything on the internet used to be this way" because I don't think that was ever really true—look at AOL, the dotcom boom, the rise of banner ads. I distinctly remember that neopets had multiple corporate sponsors, including a cookie crisp-themed flash game. yahoo bought geocities for $3.6 billion; money's always been trading hands, obvious or not. it's indisputable that the internet is simply different now than it was ten or twenty years ago, and that monetization models themselves have largely changed as well (I have thoughts about this as it relates to web 1.0 vs web 2.0 and their associated costs/scale/etc.), but I think the only time people weren't trying to squeeze the internet for all the dimes it can offer was when the internet was first conceived as a tool for national defense.)

(2) website/software that exists to make money now: the type that requires the least explanation. mostly non-startup apps and services, including any random ecommerce storefront, mobile apps that cost three bucks to download, an MMO with a recurring subscription, or even a news website that runs banner ads and/or offers paid subscriptions. in most (but not all) cases, the "make money now" part is obvious, so these things don't feel free to us as users, even to the extent that they might have watered-down free versions or limited access free trials. no one's shocked when WoW offers another paid expansion packs because WoW's been around for two decades and has explicitly been trying to make money that whole time.

(3) website/software that exists to make money later: this is the fun one, and more common than you'd think. "make money later" is more or less the entire startup business model—I'll get into that in the next section—and is deployed with the expectation that you will make money at some point, but not always by means as obvious as "selling WoW expansions for forty bucks a pop."

companies in this category tend to have two closely entwined characteristics: they prioritize growth above all else, regardless of whether this growth is profitable in any way (now, or sometimes, ever), and they do this by offering users really cool and awesome shit at little to no cost (or, if not for free, then at least at a significant loss to the company).

so from a user perspective, these things either seem free or far cheaper than their competitors. but of course websites and software and apps and [blank]-as-a-service tools cost money to build and maintain, and that money has to come from somewhere, and the people supplying that money, generally, expect to get it back...

just not immediately.

startups, VCs, IPOs, and you

here's the extremely condensed "did NOT go to harvard business school" version of how a startup works:

(1) you have a cool idea.

(2) you convince some venture capitalists (also known as VCs) that your idea is cool. if they see the potential in what you're pitching, they'll give you money in exchange for partial ownership of your company—which means that if/when the company starts trading its stock publicly, these investors will own X numbers of shares that they can sell at any time. in other words, you get free money now (and you'll likely seek multiple "rounds" of investors over the years to sustain your company), but with the explicit expectations that these investors will get their payoff later, assuming you don't crash and burn before that happens.

during this phase, you want to do anything in your power to make your company appealing to investors so you can attract more of them and raise funds as needed. because you are definitely not bringing in the necessary revenue to offset operating costs by yourself.

it's also worth nothing that this is less about projecting the long-term profitability of your company than it's about its perceived profitability—i.e., VCs want to put their money behind a company that other people will also have confidence in, because that's what makes stock valuable, and VCs are in it for stock prices.

(3) there are two non-exclusive win conditions for your startup: you can get acquired, and you can have an IPO (also referred to as "going public"). these are often called "exit scenarios" and they benefit VCs and founders, as well as some employees. it's also possible for a company to get acquired, possibly even more than once, and then later go public.

acquisition: sell the whole damn thing to someone else. there are a million ways this can happen, some better than others, but in many cases this means anyone with ownership of the company (which includes both investors and employees who hold stock options) get their stock bought out by the acquiring company and end up with cash in hand. in varying amounts, of course. sometimes the founders walk away, sometimes the employees get laid off, but not always.

IPO: short for "initial public offering," this is when the company starts trading its stocks publicly, which means anyone who wants to can start buying that company's stock, which really means that VCs (and employees with stock options) can turn that hypothetical money into real money by selling their company stock to interested buyers.

drawing from that, companies don't go for an IPO until they think their stock will actually be worth something (or else what's the point?)—specifically, worth more than the amount of money that investors poured into it. The Powers That Be will speculate about a company's IPO potential way ahead of time, which is where you'll hear stuff about companies who have an estimated IPO evaluation of (to pull a completely random example) $10B. actually I lied, that was not a random example, that was reddit's valuation back in 2021 lol. but a valuation is basically just "how much will people be interested in our stock?"

as such, in the time leading up to an IPO, it's really really important to do everything you can to make your company seem like a good investment (which is how you get stock prices up), usually by making the company's numbers look good. but! if you plan on cashing out, the long-term effects of your decisions aren't top of mind here. remember, the industry lingo is "exit scenario."

if all of this seems like a good short-term strategy for companies and their VCs, but an unsustainable model for anyone who's buying those stocks during the IPO, that's because it often is.

also worth noting that it's possible for a company to be technically unprofitable as a business (meaning their costs outstrip their revenue) and still trade enormously well on the stock market; uber is the perennial example of this. to the people who make money solely off of buying and selling stock, it literally does not matter that the actual rideshare model isn't netting any income—people think the stock is valuable, so it's valuable.

this is also why, for example, elon musk is richer than god: if he were only the CEO of tesla, the money he'd make from selling mediocre cars would be (comparatively, lol) minimal. but he's also one of tesla's angel investors, which means he holds a shitload of tesla stock, and tesla's stock has performed well since their IPO a decade ago (despite recent dips)—even if tesla itself has never been a huge moneymaker, public faith in the company's eventual success has kept them trading at high levels. granted, this also means most of musk's wealth is hypothetical and not liquid; if TSLA dropped to nothing, so would the value of all the stock he holds (and his net work with it).

what's an API, anyway?

to move in an entirely different direction: we can't get into reddit's API debacle without understanding what an API itself is.

an API (short for "application programming interface," not that it really matters) is a series of code instructions that independent developers can use to plug their shit into someone else's shit. like a series of tin cans on strings between two kids' treehouses, but for sending and receiving data.

APIs work by yoinking data directly from a company's servers instead of displaying anything visually to users. so I could use reddit's API to build my own app that takes the day's top r/AITA post and transcribes it into pig latin: my app is a bunch of lines of code, and some of those lines of code fetch data from reddit (and then transcribe that data into pig latin), and then my app displays the content to anyone who wants to see it, not reddit itself. as far as reddit is concerned, no additional human beings laid eyeballs on that r/AITA post, and reddit never had a chance to serve ads alongside the pig-latinized content in my app. (put a pin in this part—it'll be relevant later.)

but at its core, an API is really a type of protocol, which encompasses a broad category of formats and business models and so on. some APIs are completely free to use, like how anyone can build a discord bot (but you still have to host it yourself). some companies offer free APIs to third-party developers can build their own plugins, and then the company and the third-party dev split the profit on those plugins. some APIs have a free tier for hobbyists and a paid tier for big professional projects (like every weather API ever, lol). some APIs are strictly paid services because the API itself is the company's core offering.

reddit's financial foundations

okay thanks for sticking with me. I promise we're almost ready to be almost ready to talk about the current backlash.

reddit has always been a startup's startup from day one: its founders created the site after attending a startup incubator (which is basically a summer camp run by VCs) with the successful goal of creating a financially successful site. backed by that delicious y combinator money, reddit got acquired by conde nast only a year or two after its creation, which netted its founders a couple million each. this was back in like, 2006 by the way. in the time since that acquisition, reddit's gone through a bunch of additional funding rounds, including from big-name investors like a16z, peter thiel (yes, that guy), sam altman (yes, also that guy), sequoia, fidelity, and tencent. crunchbase says that they've raised a total of $1.3B in investor backing.

in all this time, reddit has never been a public company, or, strictly speaking, profitable.

APIs and third-party apps

reddit has offered free API access for basically as long as it's had a public API—remember, as a "make money later" company, their primary goal is growth, which means attracting as many users as possible to the platform. so letting anyone build an app or widget is (or really, was) in line with that goal.

as such, third-party reddit apps have been around forever. by third-party apps, I mean apps that use the reddit API to display actual reddit content in an unofficial wrapper. iirc reddit didn't even have an official mobile app until semi-recently, so many of these third-party mobile apps in particular just sprung up to meet an unmet need, and they've kept a small but dedicated userbase ever since. some people also prefer the user experience of the unofficial apps, especially since they offer extra settings to customize what you're seeing and few to no ads (and any ads these apps do display are to the benefit of the third-party developers, not reddit itself.)

(let me add this preemptively: one solution I've seen proposed to the paid API backlash is that reddit should have third-party developers display reddit's ads in those third-party apps, but this isn't really possible or advisable due to boring adtech reasons I won't inflict on you here. source: just trust me bro)

in addition to mobile apps, there are also third-party tools that don’t replace the Official Reddit Viewing Experience but do offer auxiliary features like being able to mass-delete your post history, tools that make the site more accessible to people who use screen readers, and tools that help moderators of subreddits moderate more easily. not to mention a small army of reddit bots like u/AutoWikibot or u/RemindMebot (and then the bots that tally the number of people who reply to bot comments with “good bot” or “bad bot).

the number of people who use third-party apps is relatively small, but they arguably comprise some of reddit’s most dedicated users, which means that third-party apps are important to the people who keep reddit running and the people who supply reddit with high-quality content.

unpaid moderators and user-generated content

so reddit is sort of two things: reddit is a platform, but it’s also a community.

the platform is all the unsexy (or, if you like python, sexy) stuff under the hood that actually makes the damn thing work. this is what the company spends money building and maintaining and "owns." the community is all the stuff that happens on the platform: posts, people, petty squabbles. so the platform is where the content lives, but ultimately the content is the reason people use reddit—no one’s like “yeah, I spend time on here because the backend framework really impressed me."

and all of this content is supplied by users, which is not unique among social media platforms, but the content is also managed by users, which is. paid employees do not govern subreddits; unpaid volunteers do. and moderation is the only thing that keeps reddit even remotely tolerable—without someone to remove spam, ban annoying users, and (god willing) enforce rules against abuse and hate speech, a subreddit loses its appeal and therefore its users. not dissimilar to the situation we’re seeing play out at twitter, except at twitter it was the loss of paid moderators;  reddit is arguably in a more precarious position because they could lose this unpaid labor at any moment, and as an already-unprofitable company they absolutely cannot afford to implement paid labor as a substitute.

oh yeah? spell "IPO" backwards

so here we are, June 2023, and reddit is licking its lips in anticipation of a long-fabled IPO. which means it’s time to start fluffing themselves up for investors by cutting costs (yay, layoffs!) and seeking new avenues of profit, however small.

this brings us to the current controversy: reddit announced a new API pricing plan that more or less prevents anyone from using it for free.

from reddit's perspective, the ostensible benefits of charging for API access are twofold: first, there's direct profit to be made off of the developers who (may or may not) pay several thousand dollars a month to use it, and second, cutting off unsanctioned third-party mobile apps (possibly) funnels those apps' users back into the official reddit mobile app. and since users on third-party apps reap the benefit of reddit's site architecture (and hosting, and development, and all the other expenses the site itself incurs) without “earning” money for reddit by generating ad impressions, there’s a financial incentive at work here: even if only a small percentage of people use third-party apps, getting them to use the official app instead translates to increased ad revenue, however marginal.

(also worth mentioning that chatGPT and other LLMs were trained via tools that used reddit's API to scrape post and content data, and now that openAI is reaping the profits of that training without giving reddit any kickbacks, reddit probably wants to prevent repeats of this from happening in the future. if you want to train the next LLM, it's gonna cost you.)

of course, these changes only benefit reddit if they actually increase the company’s revenue and perceived value/growth—which is hard to do when your users (who are also the people who supply the content for other users to engage with, who are also the people who moderate your communities and make them fun to participate in) get really fucking pissed and threaten to walk.

pricing shenanigans

under the new API pricing plan, third-party developers are suddenly facing steep costs to maintain the apps and tools they’ve built.

most paid APIs are priced by volume: basically, the more data you send and receive, the more money it costs. so if your third-party app has a lot of users, you’ll have to make more API requests to fetch content for those users, and your app becomes more expensive to maintain. (this isn’t an issue if the tool you’re building also turns a profit, but most third-party reddit apps make little, if any, money.)

which is why, even though third-party apps capture a relatively small portion of reddit’s users, the developer of a popular third-party app called apollo recently learned that it would cost them about $20 million a year to keep the app running. and apollo actually offers some paid features (for extra in-app features independent of what reddit offers), but nowhere near enough to break even on those API costs.

so apollo, any many apps like it, were suddenly unable to keep their doors open under the new API pricing model and announced that they'd be forced to shut down.

backlash, blackout

plenty has been said already about the current subreddit blackouts—in like, official news outlets and everything—so this might be the least interesting section of my whole post lol. the short version is that enough redditors got pissed enough that they collectively decided to take subreddits “offline” in protest, either by making them read-only or making them completely inaccessible. their goal was to send a message, and that message was "if you piss us off and we bail, here's what reddit's gonna be like: a ghost town."

but, you may ask, if third-party apps only captured a small number of users in the first place, how was the backlash strong enough to result in a near-sitewide blackout? well, two reasons:

first and foremost, since moderators in particular are fond of third-party tools, and since moderators wield outsized power (as both the people who keep your site more or less civil, and as the people who can take a subreddit offline if they feel like it), it’s in your best interests to keep them happy. especially since they don’t get paid to do this job in the first place, won’t keep doing it if it gets too hard, and essentially have nothing to lose by stepping down.

then, to a lesser extent, the non-moderator users on third-party apps tend to be Power Users who’ve been on reddit since its inception, and as such likely supply a disproportionate amount of the high-quality content for other users to see (and for ads to be served alongside). if you drive away those users, you’re effectively kneecapping your overall site traffic (which is bad for Growth) and reducing the number/value of any ad impressions you can serve (which is bad for revenue).

also a secret third reason, which is that even people who use the official apps have no stake in a potential IPO, can smell the general unfairness of this whole situation, and would enjoy the schadenfreude of investors getting fucked over. not to mention that reddit’s current CEO has made a complete ass of himself and now everyone hates him and wants to see him suffer personally.

(granted, it seems like reddit may acquiesce slightly and grant free API access to a select set of moderation/accessibility tools, but at this point it comes across as an empty gesture.)

"later" is now "now"

TL;DR: this whole thing is a combination of many factors, specifically reddit being intensely user-driven and self-governed, but also a high-traffic site that costs a lot of money to run (why they willingly decided to start hosting video a few years back is beyond me...), while also being angled as a public stock market offering in the very near future. to some extent I understand why reddit’s CEO doubled down on the changes—he wants to look strong for investors—but he’s also made a fool of himself and cast a shadow of uncertainty onto reddit’s future, not to mention the PR nightmare surrounding all of this. and since arguably the most important thing in an IPO is how much faith people have in your company, I honestly think reddit would’ve fared better if they hadn’t gone nuclear with the API changes in the first place.

that said, I also think it’s a mistake to assume that reddit care (or needs to care) about its users in any meaningful way, or at least not as more than means to an end. if reddit shuts down in three years, but all of the people sitting on stock options right now cashed out at $120/share and escaped unscathed... that’s a success story! you got your money! VCs want to recoup their investment—they don’t care about longevity (at least not after they’re gone), user experience, or even sustained profit. those were never the forces driving them, because these were never the ultimate metrics of their success.

and to be clear: this isn’t unique to reddit. this is how pretty much all startups operate.

I talked about the difference between “make money now” companies and “make money later” companies, and what we’re experiencing is the painful transition from “later” to “now.” as users, this change is almost invisible until it’s already happened—it’s like a rug we didn’t even know existed gets pulled out from under us.

the pre-IPO honeymoon phase is awesome as a user, because companies have no expectation of profit, only growth. if you can rely on VC money to stay afloat, your only concern is building a user base, not squeezing a profit out of them. and to do that, you offer cool shit at a loss: everything’s chocolate and flowers and quarterly reports about the number of signups you’re getting!

...until you reach a critical mass of users, VCs want to cash in, and to prepare for that IPO leadership starts thinking of ways to make the website (appear) profitable and implements a bunch of shit that makes users go “wait, what?”

I also touched on this earlier, but I want to reiterate a bit here: I think the myth of the benign non-monetized internet of yore is exactly that—a myth. what has changed are the specific market factors behind these websites, and their scale, and the means by which they attempt to monetize their services and/or make their services look attractive to investors, and so from a user perspective things feel worse because the specific ways we’re getting squeezed have evolved. maybe they are even worse, at least in the ways that matter. but I’m also increasingly less surprised when this occurs, because making money is and has always been the goal for all of these ventures, regardless of how they try to do so.

[fayes-fics]

Textual Encounter

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, modern AU

Summary: Text fic. Wrong number meet-cute over text.

Warnings: none... this is fluff and humour.

Word Count: 1.4k

Summary: Fic request fill for Anon (HERE). I kept it fun and fluffy, but yeah, I can see a sequel where they sext. Thanks to @colettebronte for the read-through. Enjoy! <3

Y/N: Hey Liz, it’s y/n y/l/n. Kindle Spa gave me your mobile. Said you had moved to another salon. I don’t trust anyone else to wax me tbh. Big date this week, kwim 😉 Can I get an appt? I’ll come to you. Doesn’t matter where. 

BB: Errr, I think you have the wrong number…

Y/N: Not Liz?

BB: Nope, Ben here. 

Y/N: Not a waxer, I presume?

BB: I may have waxed lyrical in my time, may even have lit a few candles. Have not waxed anyone no - my own body or anyone else’s. Yet. But I’m game to try anything once...

Y/N: Lol.

BB: Big date, eh?

Y/N: ….Yeah. Not that it's any of your business, stranger Ben.

BB: Fair. BB: Does it hurt?

Y/N: ??

BB: Getting waxed.

Y/N: Oh. Yeah. Like a motherfucker. But you sorta get used to it, tbh. And it’s so much less itchy than shaving regrowth, especially in sensitive areas… Wait, why am I having this convo with a complete stranger?!

BB: We don’t have to be strangers. BB: I’m Ben, 33, London. BB: I have no strong opinions on hair removal methods.

Y/N: lol. K. I’m y/n, 28, also London. Y/N: I, as you can see, do have some opinions.

BB: Hi y/n 👋 BB: I hope you can find Liz. Or someone else to assist with your hair needs.

Y/N: I would like it stated, for the record, I’m not hairy like a troll. I just like to keep things neat.

BB: The lady doth protest too much…

Y/N: You are cheeky for a stranger.

BB: Hey, I thought we agreed. Not strangers. Me Ben. You hairy troll.

Y/N: BLOCK.

BB: Just typing it doesn't work, you know.

Y/N: You should work at the Apple Genius Bar.

BB: Hmm, possibly. I do look good in blue. Or so I've been told.

Y/N: Always glad to provide career counselling.

BB: 🫡

4 days later.

BB: How’d your date go?

Y/N: That's odd. I don’t see a Genius Bar appt in my calendar…?

BB: iCal is a lying bastard. BB: I also assume you now can move faster through water.

Y/N: ??

BB: Waxed smooth like a dolphin…?

Y/N: 😆 Y/N: Entirely none of your business, but yes, actually. Well mostly. I leave some. Why am I telling you this?! Y/N: The guy was such a dud tho, I didn't get to show it off 🙁

BB: Please don't stop on my account. This is just delightful.  BB: I apologise on behalf of all men.

Y/N: For what?

BB: Having 4 sisters, I find the safest answer here is usually… everything, of course.  BB: But specifically, your rubbish date.

Y/N: Apology conditionally accepted. Y/N: 4 sisters?! 

BB: Only conditional? What do I gots to do to make it unconditional? BB: Yeah, I know… I’ve got 3 brothers too. My parents were really into each other. 

Y/N: IDK, serve a mean martini? Y/N: Understatement.

BB: That could be arranged. I took an online mixology course during lockdown.  BB: My sister El declared I'm better than Stanley Tucci. Admittedly, that was after 4 espresso martinis… but I'm taking it. She's opinionated but the best one. They are a weird bunch tho 🤔

Y/N: WOAH WOAH WOAH. That's a bold claim.

BB: Well, there’s only one way to dispute it: try one for yourself…

Y/N: Smooth, Genius Bar, smooth.

BB: I do my best 🤷

1 day later.

Y/N: I can't get my AirPods to work.

BB: You do realise I didn’t actually follow your career advice?

Y/N: Urgh. Inconvenient. What use are you then?

BB: As I said. Cocktails. I’ll try my hand at waxing if you want.

Y/N: Best stick to the day job. Which is…?

BB: Graphic design.

Y/N: Oh, that’s quite cool. 

BB: It pays the bills. You?

Y/N: MI-5

BB: Wow, you're a shit spy.

Y/N: It could be an excellent double bluff…

BB:

Y/N: Oh, we’ve graduated to memes now, have we, Genius Bar?

BB: It was called for.

Y/N: I’ll take it. Purely cos it's a Hemsworth.

BB: I would too, tbh.

Y/N: Bi?

BB: For a Hemsworth? Always.

Y/N: Anyone else?

BB: I’ll keep you posted.

Y/N: I'm on the edge of my seat.

3 days later.

BB: Oscar Issac.

Y/N: Good non sequitur evening to you, too, Genius Bar Ben.

BB: For the bi thing.

Y/N: Ahh. Got it. I can respect that.

BB: This is me, btw: www.instagram.com/benbridgerdesign.  BB: Figured you can decide for yourself if I'm a creeper.

Y/N: Appreciated.

3 minutes later.

Y/N: You paint?

BB: I dabble

Y/N: Modesty will only make me like you more.

BB: You like me?! 🥹

Y/N: You didn't mention you were handsome.

BB: There is no way to respond to that without me sounding like a twat.

BB: But thank you 😊

Y/N: This is me: www.instagram.com/ynhandle 

7 minutes later.

BB: Oh, Amalfi is so beautiful, isn't it?

Y/N: Wow. That's a deep cut. How far did you scroll back??

BB: 👀

Y/N: Yeah, it's beautiful. Shame it's tainted for me now. Was there with an ex.

BB: I saw. Very handsome.

Y/N: Are you sure you're not just into men full-stop?

BB: 🤷 BB: You’re very pretty, too.

Y/N: I’d believe it if you didn't mention my “very handsome” ex first…

BB: I call it like I see it. BB: I have had 4 whiskeys, tho, so make of that what you will.

Y/N: On a school night?!

BB: It’s my brother Ant's birthday. This is like non-optional drunk, I’ll have you know.

Y/N: Happy birthday to him. 

BB: He says thanks. He’s also told me to get off my fucking phone. Which is rich. He is texting his wife nonstop.

Y/N: Hah! Safe travels through Whiskeytown, BenBridger 🫡

BB: I kinda miss Genius Bar…. 😞

Y/N: I can't win…

2 days later.

BB: Settle an argument for me.

Y/N: 🍿

BB: Col, younger brother, never stops eating... He claims Katz Deli is overrated. I argue it's touristy but still good. You’ve been. Where do you sit on this matter?

Y/N: You really did go thru my Insta, didn't you?? Y/N: Thanks for the follow, BTW.

BB: It's a compliment, I assure you. BB: Welcome. And same.

Y/N: Not complaining. And yeah, I agree with you, actually.

BB: Hah! Excellent!!

Y/N: Wait… your older brother is Ant, and your younger brother is Col? You’re Ben. So, like ABC?

BB:  … I already warned you my family was weird.

Y/N: You did. You did.

BB: Now, please excuse me while I go gloat.

Y/N: 👍

5 mins later.

BB: Hi. This is Col. You must be the famous y/n. Ben’s in the bogs, and the mug left his phone on the table unlocked, so this is on him.  BB: He like really likes you. Like a lot. Will you go on a date with him pls? 

Y/N: Err, ok, hi Col. Y/N: Umm, I think Ben should be the one to ask me that. Don’t you?

BB: He’s too scared you’ll say no.

Y/N: I won't…

BB: EXCELLENT.

2 minutes later.

BB: I am so SO sorry about that 😬 He’s such a shit. BB: But… do you mean it?

Y/N: Ask me properly…

BB: Would you, y/n, like to go on a date with me? Please?

Y/N: I would be delighted to Ben. 😀

BB: 🙏 BB: Are you free on Thursday? Could I take you to dinner?

Y/N: Sounds wonderful. 

BB: 7pm? Meet at Picadilly Circus? By Brasserie Zedel?

Y/N: I’ll be there 😀

BB: 😀

10 days later.

BB: I think you should know… Liz is an artiste 😮‍💨

Y/N: Stop texting me from my bed, you dork. 😘 Y/N: How do you take your coffee?

BB: I'm like 10 meters away. Why not just ask me?

Y/N: You started this, Genius Bar…

BB: Come back to bed, Mostly Hairless Troll.

Y/N: I asked for that, didn't I? 🤦

Benedict taglist, pt 1: @makaylan @longingintheuniverse @iboopedyournose @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @miindfucked @sorryallonsy @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @m-rae23 @last-sheep @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kmc1989 @desert-fern @corpseoftrees-queen @magical-spit @bunnyweasley23 @how-many-stars-in-the-sky @sya-skies

[allthelovehes]

Make You Mine* | TEASER

Summary: Harry and Y/N are FWB but when Y/N has plans with another man Harry gets extremely jealous.

Pairing: FWB!Harry x reader

Word count: 1.2K TEASER of a 5.2K Patreon Exclusive!

Warnings: Smut, sir kink, cum eating, just really hot ok.

Taglist: @justmystyles @bitchybabyharry @harrysslut7 @swiftmendeshoran @lucasandharold @harrysbabycherry @htaylor18 @rose-garden-dreamz @myalovesharry @mellamolayla @hsonlyangelxo @yousunshineyoutempter @heartateasee @blueheisenbergtragedy Let me know if you want to be added to my taglist! 🤗

Support my work by joining my Patreon!

Ever since Y/N started this friends-with-benefits type of situation with her best friend Harry, they have been doing their best to keep their emotions in check. It's the same old story; it's fun and exciting, and then one or both of them ends up getting attached. They both know the deal, but it's too tempting to be together, and the sex is just so good.

They never agreed upon being exclusive but they also never explicitly told each other that they shouldn't have any other sexual partners. So now that Harry is busy working in the studio and therefore working most days of the week, he's starting to wonder if there's a chance Y/N might be seeing someone else.

He isn't stupid, he knows she has needs too, and he's sure she can find someone to take care of her whenever she needs it. The thought of her with someone else however is not a pleasant one. He isn't the jealous type, really, he's not. But still, the thought of her being with someone else makes him feel... strange.

He knows this isn't right, he's just being unreasonable. After all, they have never been officially exclusive, and she's allowed to fuck whoever she wants.

Harry's suspicions are confirmed when he texts Y/N to see if she's home tonight, he's desperate for some attention and hers is the only body he wants wrapped around him right now. He's met with an answer that is not quite what he's hoping for, and it makes him feel like he's just swallowed a bucket of cold water.

Y/N Can't tonight, I've got plans.

Plans. So it is another man then. She has plans with someone, and the worst part is, she didn't even tell him. She's never done that before, always kept him in the loop. Harry's chest tightens and his stomach starts to do flips. It's not jealousy, he tells himself, but it sure as hell feels like it. He doesn't even know for sure, how the hell can he be so upset?

Harry Plans huh? What's up?

He's trying his best to sound casual, but he's pretty sure he's failing. He's waiting for a text back, maybe she'll tell him. He doesn't have to wait long for an answer, which makes his heart sink even more.

Y/N I don't know if I should tell you

Shit. She's really going to make him ask then. He takes a deep breath and decides to bite the bullet.

Harry Is it a date then?

A little over a minute passes and his phone vibrates.

Y/N Depends

Harry On what?

Y/N On you

Harry swallows, his heart beating in his throat. He's not sure how to answer, his emotions are running wild, and he's starting to feel angry. She's got the answers he's desperate for, and she won't just give them to him. He feels the rage boil inside him and he just wants to go out there and confront her.

Harry Tell me Y/N

Y/N You'll either like it or not

Harry You know I'm not good at guessing games. Just tell me

Y/N Okay, fine It's not a date, but it is with a man

Harry And what does that have to do with me?

His hands are shaking, his heart is beating like crazy, and yet his stomach feels like it's somehow filled with butterflies. He can't believe he's having this conversation, but he really should have seen this coming.

Y/N I don't know. I mean, do I tell you about every single guy I see?

He feels his throat tighten, and his voice falters when he tries to form words.

Harry So you've slept with him

He knows that's not the kind of answer she's looking for, but he can't help it. He's too caught up in his own emotions and thoughts, and he's suddenly desperate to hear the words come from her own mouth.

Y/N No

Harry But you're going to

She's not stupid, she must be able to tell what he's thinking. He's not going to play this game with her, he wants an answer.

Harry Y/N?

A few seconds pass in silence, and Harry's heart rate rises.

Y/N Maybe

The air feels as though it's leaving his body, and he has to steady himself against the kitchen counter. He didn't even realize he was holding his breath.

Harry Oh okay

He can't bring himself to tell her to have fun. Instead, he just closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. He's feeling so many things, so many conflicting emotions, and he just doesn't know how to process them. He's trying his best to keep it together, but his insides feel like they're going to burst.

After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes again.

Y/N Why?

His head is spinning. He wants to go and tell her he doesn't want her to have sex with anyone but him, but he knows he can't do that. The thought of her having sex with someone else is driving him insane, but he also doesn't want her to think that he owns her. He doesn't know what to do.

Harry I don't know

He doesn't want to tell her about his feelings, it would make everything so much worse. He doesn't know if he can trust her enough to tell her the truth. After all, what if she tells him that she doesn't want to see him anymore, and they stop being friends? He knew starting this thing would lead to heartache, he just didn't think it would be on his side.

He decides not to tell her anything, and he locks his phone and sets it back on the counter. He heads to his room, but the anger and frustration inside him is just too much to be able to relax. He needs to let it out, somehow. He doesn't know how to deal with this.

He picks up his phone and starts typing out a text, but he erases it before he can send it. He can't tell her, he's just not ready. He's scared, and he doesn't want to lose her. He starts typing another message, but again he doesn't send it. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know how to handle this.

He paces back and forth through his kitchen before making a decision. He picks up his keys and phone and walks out the door. He knows exactly where he's heading, and he can't wait to see her.

He drives there as fast as he can, and when he finally gets to her apartment, he doesn't even bother knocking on her door, he just uses the key she gave him and lets himself in. The lights are on, and she's standing in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hand.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Her voice is calm, but Harry can see her hands shake ever so slightly, and her eyes are wide as she looks at him. He's probably the last person she was expecting to show up here.

“I came to see you.” He says, his voice wavering as he tries to catch his breath.

“I can see that, but why?”

He walks over to her and wraps his arms around her, pulling her close and pressing his lips against hers. His hands find their way into her hair, and he presses her against the kitchen counter, his tongue pushing its way past her lips.

[appleblueberry-pie]

Yandere GF Yuki +Yandere JJK Harem

A/N: Please just read these first few sentences if this is too long for you. I intended for Yuki and reader to have some sort of dom x sub relationship. Like it runs in her blood to be at least slightly masc. I've been fantasizing about this idea for much longer than I realize. But being able to do this with a literal bad bitch at the top of the OP podium is a dream come true and a treasure. Like I don't think you guys understand, I seriously think Yuki is for the girlies. I see so much queer potential in her, it's not even a joke(hence, the photo). The Yandere Harem includes briefly mentioned Platonic Yanderes(Yuji and Nobara) and more in depth juggling of the mentions of the Romantic Yanderes(Yuki being the main, and the rest taking whatever crumbs they can take. So, Shoko, Gojo, and Nanami). I feel like this isn't going to be organized whatsoever because I usually just write whatever with no kind of order, soooo......idk.

Yuki was all you needed in a person, in your opinion. No one knew you better besides her. You knew her and she knew you. If you could, you'd stay in her arms until your muscles hurt from staying in the same position for so long, and maybe then, you'll be molded together for eternity. That's how much you love her. But of course, her infatuation with you is so much more than a slight obsession for the one you are closely connected to. Everyday when she sees you, she feels both of your spirits connecting. When you two approach each other from different sides of a room, both of your cursed energy seem to blend together like food scents combining to make one sweet aroma. Two separate things colliding so well together.

She can't even fathom the idea of you not being hers. She can't think of a moment where you'd ever leave her either. Her confidence in your devotion and love towards her continues to sooth her mind and body. And she wishes it was just the two of you on this planet, but of course, people try to break you two apart every day. She tries not to mind it, knowing how to handle these types of situations and knowing you know how to hold your own as well. But it seems like everyone loves to test her patience.

Speaking of patience, everyone can tell Gojo was quickly running out of patience that somehow still remained in his body. You two have been together for four years, why haven't you broken up yet?! Not a single one of his relationships lasted this long. Ever. But you two continue to stare at each other as if the other created the sky and water. It's supposed to be you and him doing that. Not you and her. It's not fair and he was getting mad again just staring at the two of you. He tried everything. He tried to give his best flirts with you, tried to get you alone, which worked a few times, but you stayed strong and continually told him no. Fuck, he even fought Yuki. But you found the two of them battling to the death and he'd seen you so angry, he had to step back. The way you stared at him is a face he never wanted directed at him ever again, so he stopped trying to intervene. Only sticking to the waiting game, and it was taking too long.

Nanami was better at waiting. He was better at staying in his place, staying quiet, acting innocent and holding up face. But even he wanted to step out of line to see what it takes to get you to pay attention to him. To get you into his arms. He used to bring the two of you coffee every morning when you showed up at work together, struck conversation with the both of you, spoke with Yuki more than he did with you to try and steer away possibilities that he was trying to get at you. He thought he was good at what he did. It shook him to his core, disturbed him, when he was pulled into a dark room by you-know-who and was asked of his real intentions. "What? Did you want a threesome? Trying to break us up?" She taunted him, telling him he was just like Gojo, trying everything in his power just to get at her girlfriend. Told him it was obvious when he stared from across the room, crossing his legs to hide his boner like a teenage boy. She laughed in his face and cornered him into a wall, threatening to tear out his jugular. "She likes you more than the other rats scattering around us." But he knew better than to assume that would ever be a green light to continue with his tricks. She told him to keep silent like he usually is, and he won't lose the only life he has. He gave up.

Yuki and Ieri formed an alliance. If she keeps an eye out to protect you from the horndogs that constantly surround you, she can talk with you as much as she desires(as much as Yuki allows her to). But in your eyes, Shoko is a weird case. Because you see her more than you do the rest of the men at Jujutsu Tech. And even though Yuki always tells you to watch out for Shoko, she only lets you freely hang around her more than everyone else. You assumed they spoke of something alone because Yuki almost always pulls her away to have a secret conversation about something you can't ever think up an answer for. Shoko was great to you though. Always gave you snacks, was hilarious and knew how to make you laugh. She never smoked around you, saying she doesn't want you to breathe in the flames. And not only that, she flirts with you constantly. But Yuki never seems to care much when it happens. Maybe they became friends not too long ago...? You can't put your finger on it.

It doesn't help that she likes to show you off. It really doesn't help. Often, everyone follows the both of you to get a chance to talk to you. But when she's right there as your guard dog, it brings their chances back down to a zero. And they would just push her away and bribe someone to just throw her in the ditch, but Yuki isn't just a regular shmegular person to fuck around with. She is, in fact, a special grade sorcerer who would fold a good 85% of the sorcerers in her area if she were pushed to do so. So, you are just a beauty to see from afar.

Complimenting your cute outfit before the two of you go somewhere in town, making you spin, squeezing your ass and making you laugh. Kissing your sweet lips and being able to breathe in your scent. They see it all and can't help but fucking fume at not being able to have you. They probably won't ever have you.

Yuki also wishes you'd stop talking to the brats that constantly berate you. Nobara and Yuji are constantly in your space like little puppies excited to see their owner after a long day. Nobara will whine excessively if you are about to be pulled away, or is pulled away. You love to give her hugs and even little gifts that you know she's wanted for a long time. Yuuji consumes every snack you give him in exactly one second, and you tell him every time to please chew it slowly(he never does). He has such convincing puppy eyes and requires you to stay with him for an extra three minutes, which for each minute, Yuki plans to threaten him to leave you alone(they almost fight every time). You treat those two as if they were your children and people can't help but feel extremely jealous every time. Of course you give the younger ones affection, of course they get your snacks, attention and loving. And of course they get the OK to do it because they're young. It makes everyone else sick to their stomach with anger.

Her biggest concern right now is you're telling her about your new friend you've made(that she can't find and stalk for some reason). You say he has long and healthy hair, is very sweet to you and you two talk about religion all of the time and that he has very interesting "political" views. She knows he's a sorcerer because she can smell it on you every time you come back from an outing alone. She knows that this asshole wants you and makes it known by bringing you back to her smelling completely different and she can see his lingering energy surrounding you. It pisses her off. She's definitely gonna have to do something about it.

Anyways. Yuki has it best, obviously. Her only goal is to get you out of sorcery and to just become hers full-time. Not like you need anything else to worry about besides her. I mean, she could just provide for you entirely. She tells you every day that you're lucky that she doesn't have a real dick, because things would definitely be different if so. It makes you squirm happily and she loves teasing you about it every time with her wolfish grin. She knows she'd get some soon if she says it with that playful and hungry tone you love.

[ellephlox]

Lie Detector

Pairing: Matt x f!reader

Summary: Matt thinks that you can't successfully lie to him. The only way to settle the dispute is to challenge one another to a bet, but trying to deceive a human lie detector isn't quite as easy as you'd expect.

A/N: Finally on summer break and I've had time to do some writing. I'm really drawn to a reader/matt dynamic that's super competitive, so... here we are, with yet another "game". Hope it's alright!

Sometimes, having a lie detector as a boyfriend sucked.

You realized this early on, when all of the sudden the white lies that you told habitually in order to protect others' feelings crumbled into a big dust cloud of useless whenever Matt heard them.

Last week at supper, for instance. Matt had cooked a beautiful meal — homemade rolls, oven-roasted vegetables, and your favorite pasta — and it was all delicious. Except for one experimental vegetable thrown in that you were... less fond of, to say the least.

But of course he asked you if you liked it, of course he did.

"It's incredible," you told him, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "The pasta is cooked perfectly. Also, homemade rolls? I mean, these can't even compare to the local bakeries. It's all really good, Matt."

"And the... new vegetable?" he asked, taking a bite.

Shit.

You sat stock still for half a second, your mind whirring. Fortunately, you'd gotten better at dodging situations where typically you would just save yourself with a white lie, but with Matt, there was rarely a safe way out of a question.

"It's got such a unique flavor!" you said warmly. Truth. "I don't think I've ever had it before. Where'd you get the recipe?"

"Foggy's sister. It is unique," he agreed. "You like the taste?"

Damn it. Something told you that Matt suspected you didn't like it; why else would he be so persistent about asking? "It's so unexpected," you hedged. "You cooked it really well."

Which was also a truth. The texture was good, at least; Matt had roasted it perfectly. It was the flavor you were less keen on, and you had to fight the urge to drink water after every bite.

Matt's lips turned upwards. "Sweetheart, you don't have to choke it down for me."

From there, everything unraveled. "I love it," you tried to say, but Matt's eyebrows were raising and you yourself could feel that your heart was speeding up. "Really! I love it, it's fantastic—"

You loaded your fork with it, preparing to take a large bite out of a manic desire to ensure Matt didn't find out the truth, but he deftly reached forward and grabbed your wrist. "Lost cause, Y/N." His thumb grazed your wrist, as though to match the sensation of your pulse to what he could hear.

You reluctantly put the fork down. "Come on, Matt, stop reading me for once! You cooked a beautiful supper and I want you to know how much I appreciate it—"

"You can appreciate it while letting me know you don't like a certain type of food. I promise my ego isn't dependent on a single vegetable."

"But I feel bad!" you protested. "And with anyone else, I would have just lied and said it's amazing, but with you, I have to be a schmuck about it!"

"You're not a schmuck."

"Matt, I'm a schmuck." You pointed at yourself. "Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad schmuck. Plus, it's unfair. I'm sure you lie to me all the time, and I probably just don't even notice it. Like last week, when I asked you if I have a nice voice to listen to and you told me that me that it's music to your ears, or some crap like that."

"It is music to my ears."

"I call bullshit. Unless by 'music' you meant death metal or country."

"So start lying to me," Matt said, his fingers absently moving up your forearm. "If you're able to control your nervousness when you do it."

"Is that a challenge? I'm sensing a challenge."

Matt was smiling now, and it wasn't his charming smile, it was what you thought of as his shit-eating grin. "Aw, let's not call it a challenge. I know how upset you get when you lose."

"That's it." You slapped his hand away from your arm. "Prepare to be lied to. Constantly. And if I succeed, and you don't notice that I've lied to you, then you have to..." You thought for a moment. "You'll have to wear your Daredevil suit to Foggy's when we have dinner with him and Karen on Sunday night."

Matt's smile dropped instantly. "Why the hell would I do that?"

"Um, obviously because it would be hilarious seeing you uncomfortable, and Foggy and Karen would take some awesome pictures of you?"

He grit his teeth as though contemplating. "Fine. And if I win, and I notice every lie, you can go through all of the old archives sitting in Karen's filing cabinet at Nelson and Murdock and make copies so that they can all be organized by legal topic as well as by date."

"What? How is that fair? That's hours of my time!"

"I thought you said you were confident that you'd win?"

"Well. Yeah." You leaned over to playfully shove at him. "Okay, then. I'm in."

"But if you actually are apprehensive about this bet, then we don't have to do the challenge. I won't hold it against you."

Bold way to throw down the gauntlet, Matt. There was no backing out now. "Nope. Deal accepted," you said, and stood up to clear the plates. "Oh, and by the way, I don't get 'upset' when I lose. I'm a fantastic loser."

"Lie," Matt said, almost lazily.

Damn.

That was how it began. Of course, together you enumerated more rules, both printed and in braille, and posted them on the fridge.

Rule Number One: A lie had to be the subject of whatever you were talking about. It couldn't be a throw-away comment unrelated to the conversation itself, nor could it be anything so minor that it didn't even matter. It was forbidden to, for example, tell Matt about your day and say green shirt when you were actually referring to a blue shirt and count that as a lie. It had to stand on its own, loud and proud.

Rule Number Two: You had forty-eight hours to complete the challenge. Which, admittedly, didn't give you a lot of time. Matt was on his guard every time you opened your mouth, which meant you'd have to be strategic about this, if you wanted to win.

Rule Number Three: The lie had to be delivered in heartbeat earshot. That meant you couldn't lie to him through text messages or a long distance phone call.

Rule Number Four: If Matt falsely accused you of lying more than twice, then you won. You argued this rule in as a safeguard; otherwise, he could call out your lies on whims without any consequences.

And, finally, Rule Number Five: A lie had an expiration on it of ten seconds. If Matt didn't name the lie within ten seconds of you delivering it, then you won. You had even argued for more time, but it was Matt who had told you, with a particularly cocky wave of his hand, that he'd sense it within that time.

Several times you had tried lying to him since the start of the challenge. Each time, he'd sniffed it out immediately — almost instinctively, even — so that it was almost embarrassing at how readable you were.

"You heading out tonight for patrol?" you asked him when you emerged from the shower that night, wearing only a tee of Matt's and a towel around your head.

"Only for a bit. I've got to catch up on some paperwork this evening."

"Anything I can help with?"

"No, it's just prep for my opening next Wednesday." Matt tilted back in his chair, stretching with a restlessness that told you he'd much prefer to be out on the rooftops than reading through paperwork.

"Well, let me know if there's anything I can do," you said, and then added the lie: "I'll go do some reading, then."

Matt didn't hesitate. "What're you really going to be doing?"

You scrunched your nose at him, irritated. "And I thought I was so nonchalant. My heart is a traitor. Slow down, you." You slapped at your upper chest and lied again. "I actually wanted to do some online shopping. I need a new pair of sunglasses."

"No, you don't."

You released a dramatic exhale. "Fine! I'm going to journal a bit."

Matt listened for a moment, and then nodded, clearly placated. "I'll come say bye before I head out."

And then you even thought that you might get him when he came back, because it was past two in the morning and he'd taken a faster shower than usual — an indication he was anxious to get to bed —but when he crawled under the covers, apparently he was still on guard.

"Come in closer," you whispered, half-asleep yourself despite your hope of lying to him. "I meant to stay up for you, but I fell asleep."

Which wasn't true, even though you did often stay up for him. Tonight you had slipped into bed and fell asleep almost as soon as your head hit the pillow.

But Matt caught it; his hand nudged at your arm to acknowledge the lie. "Even this late, you're still trying to win the bet?"

Loopholes in the rules were hard to find, you realized. Matt seemed to appreciate your attempts to bypass them the next day — in fact, the closest you came to successfully lying was that morning, when you had about thirty-two hours left in the challenge. You had left to pick up bread for breakfast, and had just stepped out onto the street when you put your plan into action and dialed Matt's number.

Because technically, here on the street, right below the apartment, Matt could still hear your heartbeat, if he sought it out. But you hoped that if you were talking with him over the phone, then he wouldn't pay attention, and that he'd be distracted by the background fuzz of the call.

"Hey," you said, walking slowly down the sidewalk; you didn't want to be accused of leaving the earshot radius. "I just got a text from Foggy. He asked if I could bring that book I was telling him about the other day to dinner tomorrow night. Is it still on my dresser or did I return it to the library? I can't remember."

It was a clever lie, you thought. You had told Foggy about the book, and he did text you about bringing it to dinner. You did, however, specifically remember leaving the book on the dresser and not bringing it to the library the other day. It wasn't violating Rule Number One, either, because the question you asked Matt pertained directly to the lie.

There was a brief noise on the other end of the line as Matt presumably cocked his head, sweeping his senses out for a book on your dresser. In your head, you counted down the time. Ten... nine... eight... seven... six...

"The thick one?"

"Yeah."

Four... three... two...

"Lie," he said suddenly, and you could hear the smile on his face. "Nice try. Almost got me on that one."

"Crap," you said, sighing and adjusting your jacket as you picked up the pace, crossing the street after taking a quick glance left and right.

"If the lie hadn't been about a book, I wouldn't have thought to listen to your heart," he continued. "You care too much about your books to not know whether you've returned one to the library or not."

"Crap," you said again, but this time it was because the convenience store was closed; you'd have to go a couple blocks further to the larger supermarket. "Matt, I'm going to take a few minutes longer. The store's not open until nine."

Matt was quiet for a moment. "If that was a lie, that doesn't count. I can't hear your heartbeat from here."

"Nope. It's the truth. Anything else you want me to pick up while I'm at the grocery store? Ibuprofen, Advil, ice packs?"

Matt answered, but you didn't hear; an idea was formulating in your mind. "Sorry?" you said after a moment, picking up your pace as rain began to fall.

"Just more tea, I think."

"On it. See you in a bit," you said, and hung up.

Rule Number Four, you realized, was your ticket to winning. If you could get Matt to call you out on a lie when you weren't lying — and if you could get him to do it three times — you'd win.

So, the trick was to get your heart rate going at precisely the right moment. You left the grocery store with bread, tea, and a large espresso from the café next door.

And, miraculously, it worked. You walked in, your heart already feeling a bit more spry since you downed much, much more caffeine in the span of five minutes than you typically had over the course of an entire day, announced to Matt that the grocery store had been strangely busy today, and—

"Lie," he said, almost without even paying attention.

"Ha!" you said triumphantly, setting the bread down on the counter. "Wrong, Murdock!"

His brow furrowed. "What?" You could see him reaching out with his senses now, seeking what his mistake was, and...

"Espresso," he said, so quietly and forlornly that you laughed. "Damn. Your heart is racing."

"Brilliant, right? The grocery store really was packed." You waved the bread at him. "I'm starving. Can we make French toast with this?"

"Yeah. And don't get too happy yet, sweetheart. You haven't won yet."

"And there's the key word: yet," you reminded him.

Matt was on guard after that, so you waited the rest of the day before trying again; too often, and each effort would be futile. You could tell he was listening with far more diligence every time you spoke, and while it was slightly unnerving knowing that your heart rate was under constant scrutiny, it was worth it. Matt felt threatened that you would win. Even if you didn't end up winning the bet, that gave you enough pleasure to make the entire game worthwhile no matter what happened.

Step Two was getting Matt to watch a horror movie. You were a bit limited in your options, since Netflix didn't have many scary movies with audio descriptions available, but you agreed on one eventually and started it only once the sun had set.

And you waited. Waited, with Matt's arm wrapped around you, watching the movie and letting yourself get absorbed in it, because you were relying on your own natural adrenal responses to secure you the next false lie through Rule Number Four.

Fortunately, it was actually terrifying, so it didn't take much effort for you to feel a chill genuinely running up your spine.

"A door slowly creaks open," the audio description narrated. "The bathroom mirror suddenly swivels open. Standing in the reflection is a dark figure."

You physically jumped — thank you, jump scare — and seized the opportunity as your heart beat doubtlessly spiked. "Matt, I found some fan fiction that people posted online about the Devil of Hell's Kitchen. And I read it. Every last bit."

Matt's confusion was so palpable that you had to bite back a laugh. He reached over for the remote and paused the movie, his head tilted. "This feels against the rules."

"And yet, it's not," you said, rubbing his arm. "So, was that a lie? Or not? I'll give you a solid ten seconds starting now to answer."

"You can't just say something insane at the very moment your heart rate jumps from a movie!"

"Tick, tock."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again — you'd make a good lawyer."

"Aw. Thank you. Five. Four. Three."

"Come on!"

"Two. One."

"Lie," he decided, his jaw tight. "And for your sake, I truly hope it's a lie, because there better not be people writing fan fiction about me—"

"Sadly, it's the truth, Matt. Both that people have written it and that... I've..." You trailed off at the look on Matt's face. "Uh, that I might've possibly glanced over some of it."

"Please tell me there's not much of it."

"Um... well, there's a fair amount. People are fascinated by real life vigilantes, I guess. If you wanted you could always sue them for defamation."

"Sue? Sue as Daredevil? Show up to court wearing the suit?"

"Better yet, hire Nelson and Murdock as your lawyers, and you can switch back and forth during the trial between your lawyer suit and Daredevil suit, playing both roles. It'd be hilarious, like a real-life Mrs. Doubtfire moment."

"You find all this so amusing, don't you?" Matt tipped you back, his hands against the back of the sofa and caging you in. Goosebumps pricked up your arms as you glanced at his forearms; he'd rolled up his sleeves, and you could see the toned muscle in the dim lighting.

"Not at all," you said, your voice a bit higher.

"Lie," he breathed out, and leaned in to kiss you.

The next day passed, with every hour sliding by and bringing you nearer to the end of the bet. Once again you didn't dare press your luck, and chose to instead act naturally. The following morning and midday passed without only one or two halfhearted attempts to lie. ("Matt, did you hear that Captain America is starting up his own jazz band and he's going to be doing a world tour?" "Yeah, I did, right after the news segment announcing Black Panther's new clothing line of lingerie that he's founded.")

The loophole of Rule Number Four, however, was proving to be no longer viable as your winning method. Matt caught on to every truth that was meant to make him accidentally call you out on lying. In desperation you even did fifty jumping jacks to raise your heart rate, to Matt's amusement, but he had somehow latched onto the subtle difference between a heart rate raised by the adrenaline of exertion as opposed to the adrenaline of a lie.

So — you'd have to brainstorm instead.

With only about an hour to go until the bet ended, you set your alarm on your phone to go off just three minutes shy of the actual forty-eight hour mark.

The only challenge now was making sure Matt didn't check his own watch between now and the alarm.

"Time's almost up," he said, with the audacity to smirk at you, catching your arm as you went by him towards the bedroom. "Where are you headed?"

"To get something presentable on for supper," you said, gesturing down at your outfit.

"Karen and Foggy wouldn't mind if you showed up wearing that."

"I love you, Matt, but I look like a clown right now. I wish you could see the color combinations I've got going on. Think blue raspberry slushie dumped on top of black raspberry ice cream."

"Well, if you're changing, then what should I wear?" he said, mockery edging his voice. "That plaid shirt you got me? A white top? Or a sweatshirt? Y'know, since I won't be wearing the Daredevil suit, of course."

"Don't speak too soon. We still have a few minutes left." The bet still had five minutes, in fact; but the alarm would go off on your phone in two minutes. On a sudden whim you wrapped your arms around him, loosely holding your hands together around his neck as though you were about to slow dance together. Matt's hands naturally went to your waist, fingers grazing your hip bones. "If, in the extremely unlikely case that I do lose, you should wear your loose-fitted button-down from your birthday last year."

"Is that too fancy?"

"I don't think so. I'll be wearing a sundress. It's casual enough."

Matt spun you around, backing you into the wall. His eyes were intense, unblinking. "I know you're trying to keep my attention off of you. It's not going to work. I know you too well."

"Maybe you know less about me than you think," you challenged him.

"I doubt it."

"You'd be surprised, Matt. I've got secrets and ways of keeping them."

"Want to play that game, love? Because I can play that game." He tilted up your chin with his left hand. "That mosquito bite on your neck is still itching you, even if you've resisted scratching at it. You've still got the taste of mint in the back of your throat from when you brushed your teeth a few hours ago." His hand left your chin and brushed at your temple. "You got dehydrated this morning and had a headache, but it's gone away now. And your blush is practically a heat lamp right now, getting hotter with every second."

"Point taken," you muttered, but Matt wasn't finished.

"Down here," he continued, his hand now trailing down to your lower arm, "there's a bit of residue from the jam you got on your forearm during breakfast."

"I washed it off!"

"And I can still smell it." Matt lightly let go of you. "I could continue, if you'd like."

And then — your phone buzzed out a loud jingle, jolting both of you simultaneously. You fumbled in your pocket for your phone, shutting off the alarm. "Shit."

"Time's up," Matt said, with far too much pleasure in his voice. "I'm looking forward to spending a day at the office with you. Maybe we go in on the weekend?"

"Saturday I'm free," you said, as casually as you could possibly muster. "On Sunday I'm visiting a friend."

Which was a complete lie.

And Matt...

Didn't notice.

"We'll go in early," he said. "I had to go in this weekend anyway to get work done."

"Mm," you said, counting down the ten seconds in your head. "And I'm assuming you wanted me to help organize the files so that you wouldn't have to go into the office alone this weekend? This was all a ploy to get some company?"

"Of course. What kind of weekend would it be if I didn't get to spend it with my favorite person?"

"Foggy will take offense to that."

"Well, maybe I'll invite him too. And Karen. We can have a whole work-weekend at Nelson and—"

"Yes!" you shouted, so loudly that Matt tensed, as though scanning the room for a threat. "Get your suit on, Matt!" Without waiting for his answer you strode to the closet and pulled out the familiar red suit and mask. "A certain swindled devil now needs to make his appearance at a certain dinner party tonight."

Matt's expression was baffled. "But I won."

"Check your watch."

His fingers immediately felt for his watch, and then his face dropped. "You set the alarm early."

"And then proceeded to successfully lie about visiting a friend on Sunday. Oh, I can't wait to see Karen and Foggy's reaction when you arrive on the fire escape, dressed to the vigilante nines—"

"I can't believe you."

"Me either," you admitted. "I was getting nervous towards the end."

"I can't believe you," Matt repeated. "You're going to pay, sweetheart. That was playing dirty."

"Enjoy your retribution sometime else," you told him, tossing the mask over. He caught it, plucking it from the air without turning his head in the slightest. "We've got a dinner party to go to."

And maybe you'd still go into the office that weekend to help him out, you decided, a bit of guilt still stirring inside you, because he did just want you to be there with him, keeping him company.

After all, having a lie detector for a boyfriend really wasn't so bad.

[lv-iceprince]

DAD SEUNGMIN PLS🥺💕 loved the hyunlix one!!!!

ahhhh thank you thank you for requesting! it's people like you who make it a joy to write! ye ye ye

~~~~~

🤎🐾 puppy love~ seungmin as a dad

~~~~~

*~alexa play higher by albert posis~*

🐻you know the feeling when you’re just so in love that your braincells cease up. yeah that's seungmin the pussy drunk guy who was still shocked at the news of the pregnancy like he wasn't the one who knocked you up even though you just had sex two weeks ago

🐻it's the seungmin way to flash the brightest smile even though he is just confused, and that is literally the mood the entire time he is a dad, he mightn't get it sometimes but he'll just go along with it

🐻is somehow the most prepared person in the entire universe even though he pretty much just sits there being himself, don't question it

🐻everything was unexpected, yet he was still so unbelievably stoked to even have a baby with you. he was and still is such a sentimental guy when it comes to his relationship with you and his love and admiration for you and your relationship keeps growing regardless of whether you were pregnant or not

🐻but on that note he thinks you're absolutely glowing these days and seeing you like that makes him the proudest husband or husband to be and he would definitely be the type to make you feel more at home around his family and creating a happy life and vibes for you and your baby

🐻he definitely doesn't see your baby as a pet, that would be terrible but he 100% was the one to keep insisting that he gets to choose their name. it's.... different but in the sweetest way possible so imagine this, meeting seungmin you were absolutely whipped by his wit and intelligence and you knew that dates with him would be memorable and in this case the first 12 dates were so unique and creative in the way that you did the same thing each time

🐻you would receive a text to say the was having a day off and that he wanted to go out, you'd wait for him to meet you on the corner of the dorm rooms and once he was in sight he'd give a cheerful wave and you'd proceed to walk to his favourite park and once you were there you would talk about anything on your mind as he nudged the rocks with his feet until he found a pretty one to give it to you just so you could go and skip it across the water

🐻 which makes sense that he pushed the name beomseok which simply means "pattern of a rock"

🐻repeat after me, seungmin definitely doesn't think your baby is the same species as kkami or berry but seungmin happily passed down his puppy boy role to beomseok and dress him up in cute costumes just to spam his entire list of contacts with photos

🐻everyone will know what beomseok looks like, they could pick him out of a crowd thanks to seungmin's monthly updates

🐻every day is a dream because 9 times out of 10 you are waking up to both of your boys smiling brightly. the boys actually get the harsh version of seungmin if they knew seungmin would become this soft during fatherhood they would have adopted many many kids

🐻his kid pops up everywhere and i mean everywhere : on an ad for diapers, skz-talker, music videos, on stage. home boy has a cute ass kid and he lets the whole world know, home boy also has the contacts to make that happen plus your child is a natural entertainer

🐻father-son baseball games whether that means attending games in matching jerseys or actually playing in the backyard

🐻side note- since he was so excited to actually play baseball with his son he definitely set his expectations too high thinking they immediately knew what to do when the ball was flying towards him aka he has totally thrown the ball at his kids head

🐻everyday you hear a lil wahhhhhhhhh from the kitchen, peak seungmin noises as he does a cute little jog around the house trying to escape your sons needy cuddles

🐻seungmin's energy is 1000% contagious so now you are gifted with not one but two seungmin's

🐻oh my god, this kid has everything that they could ever dream of and though you play a part in getting that to happen seungmin is a huge part of why their room is so cozy and comfortable, the brown and orange fairy-tale autumn tones all year around, the plush bears-he gets all cliché too with having mama, papa and baby teddy bears

🐻he definitely gives off the energy of the dad who walks his kid to school and even though he's rushing to get them there on time he's the one getting distracted by a random squirrel or the bug beomseok found

🐻different idol but this is literally dad seungmin and i'm screaming

🐻lastly, dad seungmin is like a calm family vacation at the beach where you huddle under the jetty building sandcastles, collecting sea shells and swimming until it gets dark, he is gentle, fun, meaningful, entertaining, a sense of strong support but most importantly he is yours

[onskepa]

Can you do a reader who has an accent with the sully family + spider?

Hello darling! So I dont know what accent you wanted, so I am going with a Mexican accent. Since it is easier for me. I also take it you wanted a human reader so that is what we are going with! This might be short, idk, I type as I go! Hope you enjoy!

Italics means na'vi talk

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Flor

Another day in the thriving planet of pandora. Meaning, another day with their good friend flor! A nice, loving human that the sully kids love to see as their teacher and friend. Spider enjoys spending time with flor as she gives him some insight of what planet earth was like many years ago. Spider loved flor, she was like a mother figure to him. The closes thing he has to a parent.

To the sully kids, she was the best. Teaches them some English but other languages that she knows. Of course in secret as to not let neytiri know her children are learning other demon languages.

What makes flor more outstanding compared to the other humans was because of her accent. Sounded very odd yet very interesting. As young as the kids remember, Flor would try her best to speak in na'vi rather than english, according to flor, "na'vi is easier to speak than english because of the dialects". Whenever flor would speak in English, its comes out....a bit funny. Of course the kids wouldn't point it out as means to be nice and respectful but it was so odd how english comes out of her mouth compared to neytiri or other na'vi.

Spider woke up feeling excited for a new day. Getting 'dressed', he waits in the main area of the lab for flor. And as always on the clock, Flor walks to the main room exactly at 7:00 am. On the dot.

"good morning flor!" spider says with a wide happy grin. Flor smiles and hugs in, giving him a soft kiss on the head. "Good morning araña" flor replies with a kind smile.

Putting on their masks and doing the needed procedure, they both left the lab and into the world of pandora. Making their way to the village, spider cant help but spike a conversation with flor.

"ok ok, so how about, 'I went to get some water'?" spider asks. Flor took a moment and replies "I whuent to get some whater". Spider grins, its not like he is making fun of her and should flor feel uncomfortable he will stop.

That is a game they play, spider or any of the sully kids say a sentence, flor would repeat it but with her heavy accent.

Arriving at the village, the sully kids were quick to see flor and spider and ran to greet the two. Tuk, abusing her cuteness power, jumps into the arms of flor, snuggling into her embrace and just enjoy to be with flor again.

"good morning flor!" tuk says cheerfully. Flor chuckles and boops tuk's nose, "good morning mi niña pequeña". Tuk doesn't 100% know the meaning but from how flor is saying it, it must be a good thing.

"move tuk! I wanna hug her too!" lo'ak tries to nudge tuk but the little one has a good grip on flor. "ok ok, you two, plrease colm down. Lo'ak, you are a beeg boy" flor says in english. Most of the time she does it on purpose since the children like to hear her accent.

Lo'ak pouted cutely, his tail swinging low and ears pinned down. Reminds her of a toddler not getting what he wants. "lo'ak, its ok, we can hug later as much as you want" flor says kindly. Lo'ak liked the idea and returned to smiling happily again.

Kiri looked a bit imaptient, ready to have the full day with flor and her siblings. "can we go now?" she asks. Flor laughs inwardly.

"now we cahn go. Be shur to be close and together pleez. Neteyam, you can leed the way tooday" flor says, which neteyam happily complies.

There, spider and the sully kids surround flor as they go on another day full of adventure and learning new words.

Credit goes to my mom since she has a heavy accent so I took some words from her. I hope this is what you asked, I don't mind re-writing it! Tell me what ya'll think! until next time! see ya!

These are some spanish words!

Araña = spider

mi niña pequeña = My little girl

Flor = flower

[eggshellsareeat]

Alright, here's my review of Parkour Civilization as a (retired) actual Minecraft parkour player on how well it represents high-level Minecraft parkour. Spoilers and infodumping below!

Minecraft Version

Most parkour players play 1.8 or 1.12. Modern Minecraft has a couple fundamental movement changes, namely making walls harder to jump around.

Accuracy: Low

Walk-Only Parkour

Walk-Only parkour kinda sucks because fundamentally, it's significantly faster to walk diagonally (e.x hold w and d) than to walk straight (this is not true of sprinting: it is faster to sprint straight than diagonally).

Evbo_ also misnames some jumps, but that's a running theme and I'm not going to knock it too much. For what it's worth, a "one block vertical jump" is more correctly called a "one block + one", or "1+1" for short.

Accuracy: Low

Backwards Jumps and 360s

Backwards jumps don't really exist, but 360s are genuinely used for flair in the parkour scene. It's seen as very gutsy and impressive to 360 particularly risky jumps.

Could they bribe someone? Maybe.

Accuracy: Sort of

Multiple Jumps "In a row"

This exists in two forms: "chaining" and "onlysprint".

A chain jump is a jump which doesn't have enough starting space to get the speed to do the jump. Therefore, you need to do the previous jump and the chain jump in a row, "chaining" the two together to complete the course. Check out 10 Jumps to 10 Jumps to see this taken to its logical extreme.

It's not to be confused with "chain jumps", which are jumps on chain blocks.

Onlysprint is a harsher ruleset, which will auto-fail the player if they stop sprinting for any reason--this includes hitting walls. Courses are incredibly difficult, check out Iris for a great example.

Ultimately, it's a thing, and it's impressive.

Accuracy: Close-ish

Parkour Battles

Accuracy: What did you expect

Parkour Practice

At the pro civilization, there's an arena where players can practice jumps for risky courses. This is shockingly accurate.

"Rankup Parkour" is a format where courses are very long and have no checkpoints. Think of them like Foddian games, except parkour rankups predate Getting Over It by a good couple years.

So how do you do jumps at the very end of a map? Simple: leave, build them in a creative world, and practice them there. This is an incredibly common practice, and single sections of parkour can take multiple hours as a result. It's good fun.

Accuracy: Spot-on

That hidden barrier path at the one part of the pro course

This is a very common thing on older maps, which tended to have significant amounts of bullshit. Particular shout-out to the ceiling doors on JC IX, a set of 20 teleportation doors where 19 take you to random past points in the map and the 20th takes you to the end. No, you don't know which is which, they all look identical.

Accuracy: Accurate

Water bucket jumps

Water jumps are a thing, but water bucket clutches would qualify as "obstacle" and not pure parkour. I don't play obstacle, so I can't comment further

Accuracy: Low

Brewing stand jumps

They don't give effects, but I want to give them a mention for being the most annoying hitbox in the game. Evbo_ gets that one right.

Accuracy: Medium

The parkour champion

There's a lot of different types of parkour, so whoever's the best is pretty up for debate. They definitely don't rule over the parkour lands with an iron fist, though.

Accuracy: Low

The parkour god

Is kyroh still a meme?

Accuracy: Medium

The triple neo

Finally, we get to the end of the video. Evbo_ does a triple neo, and all is good with the world (presumably, haven't watched the sequel yet). Not much to nitpick here. Triples are hard, especially for new players. I personally see them as certifying a true parkour-er. When a Minecrafter does a triple neo, they get their wings. It's a real hallmark of a jump, and a great place to end the movie.

Although it's common enough to have a standard momentum which the parkour champion does NOT build, opting for 4bmm instead like a psychopath.

Accuracy: Medium

[beesmygod]

today is webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 1: pre-gaming

webcomic day is a yearly celebration of the art form concocted by the screentones podcast team as a way for people to see how the sausage gets made. my webcomic "a ghost story" has been running for over 10 years, and yet i still don't think i can say i am good at making a webcomic. regardless, the comic is getting made because otherwise i become very, very sick in the head. today i would like to share with you the process of making a page of "A Ghost Story" from start to finish. either this demystifies the process or will make you think im so cool and strong for doing this 2x a week. instead of reblogging this one post until it gets very long, i will be posting individual updates that i will then compile and post on my personal website. block the tags now if you HATE comics and want them to EXPLODE.

if you have any questions, even things like "what the fuck are you even talking about" feel free to ask. i want to feel confident in what i make again and i think sometimes interrogation from an outside source is really

---

that said, let's get started. wait just kidding i want a cup of coffee first, hold on.

ok now im ready. i have a big glass of water. i have coffee. i have a headset for the parts of work that don't involve typing words. i can't type words and listen to some streamer babble in my ear at the same time, so it has to be instrumental music or nothing. i just took my meds so they should kick in after about 30 mins. i woke up late today, which is weird and annoying. but maybe i can work late instead.

first off, i need to know where i'm going beyond this one page. if i dont know where im going with something, then i usually create something that sucks that i have to deal with later. hold on my internet died, i have to reset the router. ok, anyway.

what's rattling around in my brain is that not only do i have to deal with maxine's current predicament, i am also dealing with multiple plot elements i need to wrap back around to from the previous chapter. luckily, im about to put maxine down for a nap, which means i can get back to those other elements:

i need to finish the exposition from the three ankou characters for this story arc establishing their motivations as the oppositional force in the story. the "villain" is not these three specifically, but their boss. they need to have a loose understanding of what's going on in order to communicate this to the audience. god this started turning into a huge ass paragraph so i'll just keep it short there.

we've jumped back to before jack's horrible day from the first chapter of this storyline so we have to make our way back toward that and then lapping it, which means wrapping up his various open threads like:

feeding victoria and learning something new about her

finding out alice is a very exceptional employee who is getting many awards

watching valdo call lily while interrupting her during something personal to ask her for help with maxine's situation.

jack meeting with valdo and lily the day after they first met so jack can just tell them straight up that lily has 4 sisters she doesnt know about.

help that girl with her poltergeist problem. remember that. i've had jokes for this rattling in my head for like 4 years. im going insane.

and also the fucking tilberi!!! that has a point its going somewhere!!! there's a larger menace here!!!

other things to set up the climax of this storyline. sexual tensions, hints at larger emotional problems not immediately evident to the reader

lots of moving parts. and i feel like im moving in slow motion to get to them. i can see them all weaving together in my head, its the process of putting that onto paper that's proving difficult.

ok that took an hour starting and stopping. -_- let me write the next part as i keep brainstorming on how to approach this page. taking a "rubber duck" approach to this might help. heres an image from the last page i worked on (i have a 5 page buffer rn so the site does not match the finished pages) to get us semi-situated.

also because images will help people understand what skill level we're working with here. i need to be able to communicate an idea to the audience; if the art also looks good on top of that, then that's just an added bonus. but the ability to communicate my ideas is sometimes hampered by my lack of artistic skill or comics language ineptitude. like those speech bubbles kind of fucking suck but at a certain point you have to just hit print on what you're working on in order to keep your already glacial pace.

webcomics is a tightrope act where you're also spinning 4 plates at once. the trick is to keep the audience from realizing how many actually fall or how wobbly they all are. the act sucks but technically its not a failure.

[front-facing-pokemon]

[goodenoughformeee]

A story for an aroace person aka me! :p

you know as there is a lack of aroace characters/representation in many shows/ stories/mangas/manhwas/ etc.

So, my brain is like "if there is no representation, just make it yourself" XD

So I did! I made a story about two best friends (both females for now, who will be known as A and B for now too :p) (one is aroace and the other is bi and ace) who have died and got reincarnated into an otome game.

( I am a sucker for reincarnated stories lol. I've been obsessed with that genre for a while now and wanted a Isekai female mc who was aroace cuz I've not found that many which is a sad sad thing ngl TT)

So the quick summary for the story is, as I said two best friends died and got reincarnated inti an otome game. The twist is that A is the original heroin and B is the original villainess of the otome game. Both of them are unaware that their best friend also reincarnated with them and also don't realize that they have reincarnated into an otome game in the beginning.

The otome game world ( I don't have the name for the world yet TT) has a total of 9 types of magic of which only 7 are known by the public. The types of magic are: fire, water, ice, fauna (nature), earth, lighting, wind, dark and light the last two are not known to the public.

A person can only possess only one type of magic which is determined by their eye color. But the person has around 70% chance that they'll possess that specific type of magic, if the person is in the 30%, he/she will possess the other type of magic.

For example: a person with a purple eye colour no mater the what shade of purple they've had 70% chance that they'll possess the lightning magic but if they are in the 30%, the personal will get the other magic: fire, ice, water, fauna, earth or wind

( I've done a decent world building too if I do say so myself (0v0) hehehe, had with that ngl.)

And since I can't draw that well out of curiosity made the characters in gacha XD

That's all for now, i will be going on yapping mode once again when motivation comes to me Bye-bye for now!!!

Hope you liked my idea! :D

Have a good day or night wherever you are ! <3

[narratingvoice]

My sincerest apologies for the radio silence from this blog recently. I know, it's very out of character for me. The thing is, I've been in a bit of a pickle over the past few months. The fiscal year for 2023 didn't end nearly as profitably as I projected, not even with the hype and celebration surrounding

THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE STANLEY PARABLE (2013)!

Server maintenance isn't free, you know, and neither are infinite holes. And with Unity changing its pricing structure on top of it, well, I really needed to put the old noggin to work finding a way to squeeze every last dime out of my fans provide new and valuable pieces of entertainment that will be worth your money. And that's why I'm thrilled to announce my partnership with the fine folks at I Am 8bit to bring you: The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe: Collector's Edition!

It's true! Yes, I know I did a fake announcement for something similar last year, but this one is for real! A physical product that you can purchase and have delivered to your home, and play on your Nintendo Switch or Playstation 5. And this package involves absolutely no changes to the game itself, which really takes a load off my back. Since I have no presence in the physical world, I have to trust that my collaborators will deliver the finest quality items. And trust them I do. Shall we take a look at all the wonderful bonuses you'll receive?

Stickers!

Just like the ones I slapped onto Stanley's bucket, now you too can slap these stickers on your own bucket. Or anything else that currently lacks stickers on it. You will not receive a bucket to stick them on. We floated that idea, but Mr. 8bit told me he'd rather not have to lug dozens of buckets down to the post office every day. You'd look like a right idiot doing that, I agree. So get your own bucket and enjoy the thrill of sticking!

Oh, and do be aware that whatever object you affix the "Property of Stanley" sticker to, does legally become Stanley's property, and he will demand you send it to him.

More surprises under the cut!

An instructional manual!

"But Narrator," I hear you saying, "didn't you just say you're not giving me a bucket? What do I need this for?" First of all, do not interrupt me when I'm giving a presentation. Second of all, this manual is for the bucket that's in the game. I've noticed many players do not seem to know how to operate the bucket, and treat it like it's a person rather than an inanimate container. With this instructional manual, I will give you a comprehensive guide as to what a bucket can do (such as: prevent water from spilling all over your trousers) and what it cannot do (such as: love you back). I have had some harrowing experiences in the field of instructional manual writing, but I think this one is some of my finest work yet.

A figurine!

Yes, our most requested piece of merchandise is finally here! The OFFICIAL Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe Stanigurine stands 5 inches tall and is made of durable PVC. And as with the virtual Figustans, that's all there is to it. There's no articulation or any type of toy action. You don't get anything but the feeling of deep satisfaction at owning this collectible. The package only comes with one, so why not buy six copies if you really want to recreate the game in your home?

But wait, that's not all!

If you are an absolute Stanley Parable fanatic, you'll want to supplement your Collector's Edition with even more plastic tat commemorating your favourite game. And you definitely want to support me as much as possible, right? So you can also buy:

The button that says the name of the person playing the game!

For just $10, you too can have a button that says your name, presuming your name is Jim. The button will only say the name Jim and will never say any other name, no matter how often you press it. I found that a lot of players really got into the immersive experience of being Jim, so I decided to keep it that way instead of programming it to say a whole lot of names. Sorry, but there are too many different names in the world. You're Jim and you'll like it.

Vinyl albums!

When you buy the Collector's Edition, you'll get a free code to download the Official Soundtrack in MP3 format. But what if you don't like MP3? What if you're a bit more old-fashioned in your audiophile taste? Well, I've got you covered! With this 2-record set, you can listen to all the office ambience on your gramophone or turntable. Why, you could even DJ a set with it! If you do, please send me your mixtape and I'll give it an honest review. My music taste is impeccable.

An instructional audio cassette!

Yes, this is just a cassette telling you how to install and run a copy machine. Listen, I took some odd voiceover jobs here and there to pay the bills. And I figured, you lot are so ravenous to hear my voice that you'd even pay good money to hear me deliver some boring instructions. At least, that's the impression I get from the more saucy side of the fandom. So that's what you get. Do I do anything funny? You'll have to buy it and find out!

Hold on, Stanley is trying to tell me something. What do you mean, nobody has a cassette player any more? Why wouldn't they? It's the perfect compact audio format! It's got two sides, which is more than you can say for a CD, and it's a lot more portable than vinyl. Well I'm not shipping out cassette players. You can take it or leave it. No refunds.

[devotioncrater]

no okay i will fucking say it. i don't like dottie lasso. she's manipulative & toxic & passive aggressive & borderline narcissistic.

in every scene, in every line she says? it's all to undermine ted. she doesn't respect ted, doesn't care for him unless it's to boost her ego or to boost her image of Mother. she drags him down to make herself feel Tall, or at the very least she drags him down to justify the way she feels Small. "you think you're better than me? remember your roots" type beat.

ted's on edge the moment she gets there. is it any wonder why? he has to walk on eggshells with her because she leaves him guessing and whatever he guesses will always be wrong. for instance, ted picking up her suitcase yet she waits until the last minute to say "not on the bed!" right before ted lets go of the handle.

she says one thing but means another ("wish i went to the game"). she guilt trips him ("ooh is it all my fault?"). she makes shit up about him to humiliate him to his team (the story about him with the car/bruce springsteen/etc). she purposefully does the opposite of what he asks (mae in the pub). she has these passive aggressive slights disguised as care (the newspaper clippings on top which she 100% planned, the way she asks if he has any of his episodes still but hates the fact he's in therapy).

it's insidious too, the way she charms the team. the way she charms rebecca and trent. everyone loves her, how could they understand why ted's upset with her? not lottie dottie! she'd never hurt a soul. she seems like such a good mom. ted, you're just like her!

she's actively taking advantage of ted's good standing in a covert way to paint ted in a light he doesn't want to be associated with. he could shout about practice all he wants, but while his mother is the center of attention, does anyone actually listen?

then when ted confronts her? he tries to meet her at a neutral level. "thank you but fuck you". but what does she immediately do? she drags him down to her insecure lows by more or less calling him a hypocrite. the entire time she's there not once does she bring up henry unless it's convenient for her to. henry is the only leverage she has towards ted, and she knows it. she catches ted in a vulnerable state and takes advantage of it. "your son misses you".

she does not give a fuck about her son! she doesn't! she went to the club to poison the water, she has no interest in actually supporting ted or the team. and then! and then! in a show of narcissistic manipulation, she blames that on ted! "you always get so nervous" and "i need to catch up on sleep". ma'am you haven't seen your son in 3 years at least and you don't want to spend time with him??? and then to compensate for it by cooking a meal? fuck off, it's so superficial.

but that's what these types of mothers do. for every stab wound there's a bandaid to cover it. you can't be mad at the knife-wielder if they're also the medic. "they must've not meant it since they're doing xyz for me".

they'll say "sorry" and the argument fizzles out exactly how it happened at the end there because technically you can't say anything else! they apologized, didn't they? let's not hold grudges now. look! see! she complimented your therapy even though she hates it. that's progress right? yeah there's no deep heart-to-heart, no actual repair there, but maybe one day, right? right?

for her to leave a note without saying goodbye? how could ted be mad at her for doing that if she made his favorite bread? she has him on an emotionally manipulative yo-yo.

and the role reversal? the way she plays helpless at the beginning? again, zero respect for ted by dropping in out of the blue with no prior warning. he's forced into this carer role with her. he's a fixer & a people pleaser because that's how she conditioned him to be on the off chance she'd reward him with (superficial) connection

[terresdebrume]

38, 39, 41, and 42 for Lieb ship of your choice!

[From this ask game]

Thanks for the ask :D You're starting to know me, Lieb and Web are inseparable in my head, so we're going to go with that :P

38: Who is more sexually experimental? Who's more vanilla?

So I've read a bunch of fics where Web is the one with the surprising kinks and now it's kind of embedded in my head tbh x)

But also I don't think Web would necessarily be super out there in terms of kinkiness, I think it's more that Joe has all these ideas about what a guy can and should want and kinda subconsciously doesn't really let himself think of sexy stuff to do besides the 'classics' so to speak.

I do think he's very entertained by what he perceives to be his weirdo of a boyfriend though.

39: Who would rescue an injured animal and nurse it back to health? What would the other think?

I think most of their friends assume Web would be the one to do the puppy eyes and Joe does the actual nursing work, but depending on the severity of things I think it'd be the other way around.

I think after the war, Joe can't stand to watch animals in pain, every time he tries to do something that makes it uncomfortable it makes him sad angry and snappy and saying they should mercy kill the thing while being secretly heartbroken about it.

So what actually happens is that Web changes the bandages, force-feeds the medicine, occasionally drains infected wounds or looks for parasites in the feces, and he's the one who takes the animal to the vet to be put down/deals with the body when it's necessary.

Meanwhile, Joe goes to the shops to get the litter/food/meds, and when the animal is healthy again, if they decide to keep it, Web is very happy to leave most of the daily maintenance (filling the food and water bowl, cleaning cages, giving the baths, what have you) to Joe, who grumbles a lot but also doesn't actually try that hard to get Web to do his part.

41: Which one would take their jacket it off and drape over the other one because they were visibly shivering?

Oh, Joe. 100%. Web is more the 'let's get you a coat' type, which doesn't work with Lieb because

He's fundamentally incapable of just admitting when he needs something, and

David had zero issue buying a 500 dollars coat on the spot which drives Joe absolutely nuts and immediately sends him into enough of a rant to stop David in his tracks.

(On the other hand, Web is a big sucker for having his man loan him a jacket and has 'forgotten' to grab his on more than one occasion.)

42: What's their favorite type of weather to enjoy together? (getting snowed in together, watching thunderstorms, etc.)

I don't think Joe ever enjoys the cold again after Bastogne (don't think any of the guys do tbh) but when he is forced to endure it he definitely plasters himself to David for the duration.

In terms of what they actually enjoy, I think Web probably enjoys thunderstorms (or at least, feels like he's supposed to enjoy them as a writer, because of the Romantic aspects and whatnot) but actually likes a nap in the afternoon best, especially if he can get Joe to join him and they lounge around in the sunlight like cats.

For Joe, I think he likes early summer mornings, when there's still some dew on the grass and things aren't too hot yet, and he manages to drag Web out of bed for a quiet breakfast outside.

[bloodlinesceo]

𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐬 (𝐈𝐈𝐈)

Pairing: Tonga Loa x Fem! Reader

Summary: Tonga makes a call to Y/N during her breakfast with the girls, making her step out for a bit. Bianca peeps the caller ID & grows suspicious. The girls get nosy & start guessing.

Warnings ⚠️: Swearing, a bit of lashing out. B's just being protective.

WC: 1.8k

Credit to @anitalenia for this amazing divider! ✨

Part 1 Part 2 (Gonna need a masterlist soon 😩)

*The next day ☀️🍳🥞*

You & the girls were at the Diner's having breakfast, Naomi & Zelina joined in as well which made it the 6 of you. You all decided to ditch the hotel breakfast & opt for a variety. Plus, knowing that The Bloodline was there, you didn't want to come across them after what happened last night, it'd feel awkward. You also wanted to see Loa at the date instead otherwise, you'd catch yourself staring at him creating another Tamatrun.

The girls were all talking about their love lives as usual, how much they love their men & getting spoiled by them. Even Bri was gushing about the dates she's been on. In the dating department, you felt kinda left out. You were more focused on your career & although you had your fair share of getting asked out on dates, you were young & more of the independent type who wanted to build themselves first before getting with someone. But now building yourself into becoming a candidate at Money in The Bank, you knew you had a path set for you & were on the way to success hoping to win that briefcase. You also wanted to be with someone where the feelings were mutual, and you felt that Loa was that one. You couldn't wait to be with him later today.

Your thoughts got cut off when you heard Jade calling your name. "What's up hun?" you asked. "Babes, your phone is ringing & you're on Cloud 9" she laughed. You blushed "oops, my bad. Excuse me for a minute, girls." You said before taking your phone & leaving the table. Bianca peeped at the caller ID next to you before you got up. After you left, she asked the girls "do y'all know who T.L. is?" "Timeline?" answered B-Fab. "I asked who, not what Bri." "My bad, but why are you asking?" "I saw the caller ID on Y/N's phone with the initials T.L. I know it's none of my business on whom she's talking to, but I've never heard of this T.L. person before." "Maybe we do know, but haven't noticed whom it actually is, because of their initials" said Jade. Bianca nodded in agreement.

"Could be someone in the business whom she's talking to, maybe some guy?" Naomi said wiggling her brows. The girls aside from Bianca ooo'd. "She would tell me if she's talking to some guy, I'm literally her big sis." said Bianca. "I understand that you're protective of her, and don't want her to get hurt. But, give her some time she'll open up to you" said Naomi. Jade nodded, "maybe this is just the start, she's just testing the waters & isn't sure about this person which is why she hasn't mentioned anything to you yet ahead of time. A lot of people don't want to give away something that is at its early stages, thinking it might get jinxed. Hopefully when she's sure about this person & things are official, she will" she assured. "You're right" said Bianca, "I'll give it some time."

"So this TL person, I have some guesses" smirked Zelina. "Of course you do" said Naomi "Missy, always has the tea with everything. They should call you Thea with the Tea" she said referring to her real name. "I just like to make everyone's life easier & let them know things ahead of time. It's called having y'alls backs" shrugged Zelina. "Sureee" said Naomi causing the blonde to stick her tongue out at her. "Wait, I love this guessing game girl. Let's start!" said B-Fab, causing everyone, but Zelina to sigh. "Trevor Lee" started Zelina. "Cameron Grimes?" asked Bianca, Zelina nodded "Him & Y/N talked a lot during NXT & even on the main roster before...you know..." "She has a point." agreed B-Fab. "It ain't him." denied Bianca. "Why?" asked Zelina. "Y/N & him broke off their friendship. He had a dispute with Damian over something, and you know how much that affected Y/N. Damian's her close friend. He basically grew up with us in NXT." said Bianca, making Zelina speechless for a moment.

"Hmmm...Toa Liona?" guessed B-Fab. "From AEW?" asked Zelina, she nodded. "He's married" said Bianca, "oops" they said. "Hear me out, Bo Dallas." said Zelina making everyone look at her like she had 2 heads. "Listen, I know his initials aren't exactly TL, but it could be an abbreviation of his first name, Taylor?" "Bo's crushing it as Uncle Howdy & he is pretty handsome, but Y/N's never spoken to him." said Bianca. "Hello? Social media?" said Zelina. "They're in the same company, she can talk to him in person, but I never seen them talk & she's never mentioned about him, unless she's praising his work." said Bianca. "Isn't that it? They must've come across each other at least." said Zelina "he just returned, girl. But, okay I'll give you a point. Who else?" "Travis Landon" said B-Fab. Bianca raised an eyebrow at her "girl, who the hell is that?!" "The cute tech guy working backstage." she answered. "Okay, now you're just throwing out random names. They don't even know each other " she said finishing her omelette.

Zelina & B-Fab kept thinking, then a name finally crossed both of their minds making them look at each other "Tonga Loa!" they both exclaimed at the same time, causing Bianca to widen her eyes. "The infamous Tonga Loa, in my Uce in Law's Bloodline? Damn, y'all might be right" said Naomi. "No" said Bianca in disbelief "it can't be, let's just keep it at Bo." "Why?" asked Zelina. "His family humiliated us yesterday at catering. Tama embarrassed her in front of everyone just because he suspected her of looking at Loa. I swear to God, that man is gonna get the biggest ass whooping next week for that & if not properly by my husband or Angelo, then by me. I don't want Y/N near that family & being treated like shit by them." said Bianca. "I mean, we'll deal with Tama. I'll jump on his back while the Big 3 handles him. But, Loa is so pretty. He's actually such a sweetheart unlike that Gremlin." gushed Zelina. Bianca narrowed her eyes at Zelina,"you're married, do I need to tell your husband on you?" she said pointing her fork at her, causing Zelina to look away. "My husband's the biggest hunk." she said.

"I'm not gonna lie, I did catch him looking at Y/N yesterday while I was talking to you, Tez & Angelo, and then she looked at him too." said Jade. "I'm pretty sure, there's some hidden feelings between the both of them." "She also watched his New Japan matches when we roomed together too!" said B-Fab. "Listen! I don't care if there's hidden feelings or not. Or whether he's a sweetheart or a Gremlin. Or if she's watched his matches- "Gremlin is Tama" interrupted B-Fab "Girl, could you please let me finish?" requested Bianca."Sorry." She continued "he ain't right for Y/N, sorry but that family is bad news. I don't ever want Y/N to get hurt, period."

Everyone went silent. Naomi spoke up "sis, it's okay. I don't think it's anything. Also, let's stop with this guessing game, I think we're looking too much into it. T.L. is probably not even some guy whom she's talking to, it's probably a friend. I'm sorry for starting this up sis." she apologized. "Nah, it's fine. I'm so sorry for my outburst y'all. I just want the best for Y/N, she's the only one in our group single & I just hope whoever she ends up with is the right man." "We hope so too" smiled Jade making Bianca smile "I love y'all, I'm so very sorry" she said making everyone join hands in the middle of the table.

*Meanwhile outside 🏞️*

While the ladies were having this conversation, you were talking to Loa on the phone. "I didn't see your pretty face at the breakfast hall today, I missed you." he said. You blushed,"I missed you too, handsome. I wish I was there, but after what happened last night I thought it'd be better for me to eat with the girls at the Diner & go to the mall from there, it'd be much easier. Plus, I don't want to get lost looking at you & your brother to catch me again" you joked.

He laughed on the other end, "Again, I'm sorry about Tama. I need to have a talk with him about that. But hey, I amaze you don't I?" "you always do & it's all good. You aren't him, you're special" you said. "I can't wait to see you tonight. You have the address right?" "yes, I do. 6:30 tonight?" you asked "It's a date" he said, causing your heart to flutter. "Loa?" "Hmm?" "Do you think what we're doing is right? I'm just worried if someone finds out." "I get what you're saying, but don't worry, this bar & grill is far & dimly lit inside. No one will see us" he assured. "Okay, I just want this to go well you know" "So do I" "I've never been out on a date in a while" you confessed making him go silent for a moment on the other end of the line. "Neither have I, but you won't regret this. I won't let you down Y/N, I promise" he was so determined & it made your heart full. "Likewise" you said "can't wait to see, you take care. "You too, babe gotta get my workout in, see ya" he said "bye bub!" you said "Bub?" he laughed "yes, that's my new nickname for you." you laughed "I'll take it" you both said your byes to each other & hung up.

You made your way back inside to your table. The girls looked at you walking in, "welcome back sis!" said Naomi. "Sorry to keep y'all waiting, I was talking to a childhood friend outside who happened to live in the area, we're meeting up tonight" you lied, "it's cool, we finished our meals. Yours has apparently gotten cold & childhood friend huh? How exciting!" said Bianca. "Thanks! I'll take an Uber." you said. "Nonsense, I'll drop you off" Bianca waved off. "Are you sure? We have a flight tomorrow & I don't want to interrupt your packing or any last minute plans" you said. "We're good, I'll sleep on the flight anyway. Plus, Tez & I will pack up when we get back & when you're done with your hangout, we'll be long done packing & we'll pick you up" "Sounds like a plan, I'll get this remade" you said referring to your breakfast. As soon as you left to go to the front counter, the girls looked at each other. "See??? We didn't have to worry one bit! TL was just her childhood friend" said Bianca. "You were quite into it" teased Zelina. "I ain't the one who started The Guess Who? Game" responded Bianca while clapping her hands at Zelina.