#gaining superficial control of myself for a moment so i can think to myself 'i will definitely remember this idea in a few hours'

[taki118]

Kirishima and Other Women

Among the criticism and complaints of Raise Wa Tanin Ga Ii aka Yakuza Fiance the most common is about how Kirishima "cheats" but what if I were to tell you this aspect of him actually serves an important point within the narrative? Because it does, in fact it serves a few.

First and foremost this is common in the Yakuza subculture. The series is a bit of a send off to Yakuza subculture and media with references that tend to go over your head unless you are into it (most go over mine). This is no different. While this isn't as narratively important it is important to know overall, the series embraces all things Yakuza the good and the bad (unlike some other Yakuza series but that not a rant for here) And like it's implied pretty much all the guys in the series to it to some degree yes even Shoma. I only have some knowledge of this myself so I won't get into it but I would recommend looking into cause it is interesting and makes sense for the series to incorporate on some level due to this and it would feel wrong to not mention it here.

Now lets go onto to something more meaty and kinda spoilery, so don't read if you dont want. (though I don't think it will ruin your enjoyment)

So these other women actually help to better understand Kirishima and his relationship/feelings towards Yoshino. One detail the anime leaves out is who these women are and they are women. All college age or older, and all some kind of working professional who has skills or connections Kirishima does not have. Remember Kirishima is not technically Yakuza so he does not have access to resources that actual members of the group have but because he is involved with that world still he has to find a way to make up for what he resources he lacks. The safest resource he has found over the years is women.

Just like how Yoshino unintentionally raises the ire of women, Kirishima does the same to men both intentionally and unintentionally. He has difficulty connecting with people which is a topic in and of itself, but because of this he has learnt how to gain connections on a superficial level so he only does so with those he can feel some control over or feels safer. AKA Women. Kirishima knows he's attractive, and he knows how easy it is to charm people but those he had an ongoing connection with are those who understand it's a game and want something back.

It's all quid prop quo, he does something for them and so they in turn do something for him. FYI I'm pretty sure what he's getting out of it isn't psychical pleasure, information, connections and a safe house for sure but actual enjoyment from sex? Not likely again the anime doesn't show it very well but many manga readers have noted how disconnected Kirishima looks during these moments. (Which I will fully get to later) It's an exchange when Yoshino calls him a gigolo she's not wrong, and there is a greater discussion to be had here about how early Kirishima started doing this and all the messy stuff that comes with it but because we don't have enough information on how that started I won't get into it. (and its a little off topic)

Overall all though this shows the audience that Kirishima has a kind of warped view of sex and intimacy, he views it as a resource he can use much like his fighting ability, to him it's the same thing. At least at the start.

When Tsubaki tells Kirishima that he is actually very easy to understand when she has Yoshino there to compare, I believe this was a hint the author was giving us. To understand Kirishima and how he really feels about Yoshino one just need to look at how he is with other women.

It is INCREDIBLY telling that the closest thing Kirishima has to an ex-girlfriend is Nao, because notice how that term is never used within the story by the pair as to what their relationship was. Nao calls Ozu an ex but not Kirishima, he's just a guy she had a fling with (with a weird age gap) even though she seems to care more about him than Ozu (another deep dive I'll probably do). Kirishima also never uses the term, he does note that he did like her to some degree more than likely a little more than the other women he has similar situationships with but it was still at its core transactional. They both wanted what the other could offer more than them as a person. (also just fucking for weeks isn't a relationship) Kirishima always keeps everyone at a distance, keeps everything close to the vest, makes sure the situation is advantageous to him so he can't get screwed over, every single one. Except Yoshino.

You see it constantly in the series as Kirishima WANTS to connect with Yoshino. He wants to better understand and connect with her in ways he has never bothered to before. In fact you can argue that Kirishima is actually more emotionally unintelligent than Yoshino as he has such difficulty in understanding what Yoshino wants from him. He's so use to being fake, to acting the way women around him want him to that it throws him through a loop that Yoshino doesn't want that. She forces him to be a person not a persona.

Because of that, like Tsubaki says, he is desperate to understand and connect with her unlike with the women who he is connected to in a superficial way. I know it weirdly upsets some viewers that these women "Know" Kirishima in a way Yoshino hasn't but they don't actually know him Yoshino does. People often conflate love and sex as being the same thing but its not, sometimes it overlaps (and like that should be the standard but its not). This series sort of forces you to confront that assumption, because the real moments of love are in the smaller things.

It's Kirishima helping Yoshino with her garden, its him trying to get her focus on him, its him talking to her about mundane things, its him seeking out the things she wants, its him telling her his birthday, and yes it's him sleeping with other women to keep her safe. A LOT of people don't realize this but it is right there in the text he only reconnected with Nao because it would make the situation in Osaka more advantageous for him to keep Yoshino safe. There is a very good likelihood that if the situation would 100% not get Yoshino involved that Kirishima would have just stayed out of it. (which like damn sucks for you Nao) In actuality Kirishima likely would have preferred just a normal trip to Osaka with Yoshino (even though the chaos does help him confirm his own feelings again) Kirishima wants so desperately to be connected to Yoshino in anyway he can but you don't see that in how he is with other women, and it's in seeing that you can see his authenticity.

For further reference to something I noted earlier look at how Kirishima looks in these scenes with women both during and after sex.

There's little to no actual emotion or care, he operates almost robotically like you see when he fights someone he doesn't really give a shit about. It is something he's doing cause he has to not cause he wants to. Now compare these reactions to how he reacts when he finds out he accidentally/unconsciously felt Yoshino up

It's this flurry of emotions you can't even fully quantify like he can't even fathom he really did that. Kind of a strange reaction to give to someone who has done way more for way longer, but it makes perfect sense if you remember love and sex are different. With these other women he didn't care, sex didn't mean anything they could have been anyone and in all honesty if he could get away with not doing it he'd probably prefer it. But he loves Yoshino so he actually cares, he is actually turned on, he actually feels something.

THAT is the point of the side women. Kirishima is very hard to understand his character is a mystery for a majority of the series (and to a degree still is) these women help to solve that mystery if you take the time to really look at what's happening and not get parasocially angry that he is "betraying" his love for Yoshino. In his mind he's not because love and sex are different, sex to him until Yoshino is just a tool, its one of the many things that Yoshino changes in him over the course of the series. Lets not forget that one of his side women actually makes him realize the situation with Yoshino isn't all that great (the scene is better in the manga) cause he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to realize that himself and is a catalyst for the two actually growing closer. Like I keep having to cut myself short cause I'll just go off on how wonderfully complicated and uncomplicated Kirishima is as a character, but this is an important aspect to understand and shouldn't just be written off as "He's a red flag".

These women give us insight into how Kirishima is Pre-Yoshino and shows us how far he's come Post-Yoshino, in a way that could not be done otherwise. So maybe it makes you uncomfy for a bit but it's not bad writing it serves a purpose that could not be done otherwise.

[sasoxichomoshi]

hey! i'm planning on writing a lol vampire au heavily inspired by castlevania and i want nilah as one of the protagonist monster hunters, but i have very little idea on how to write her. there are veeeery few good nilah fics (and i found only one that was nilah-centric) so i dont have much fan material to base myself on.

i find nilah really hard to write because we don't know a lot about her prior to ashlesh and writing a character that only feels ona emotion is a challenge. i still intend on making ashlesh and their deal a thing (although not necessarily as extreme as the runeterra version) but I really wanted to hear from the greatest nilah expert out there. do you have any tips/suggestions? what are things you feel are missing in most nilah fanworks?

i always wanted to make an overall guide on how to write nilah, but never felt comfortable in doing so, but hey now i have an excuse!! thanks frend

first i want to say that most of fanfics out there are fine and there are even some of them i like a lot despite not agreeing the way they write nilah (i guess that's what we call creative freedom lol), and nonetheless im very grateful for people picking her to write about

that said, yes you are totally right, nilah is hella difficult to write, like god level difficulty, because not only you have to know nilah, but if you're going to write her having any interaction with another character you have to know that character too (more than superficial knowledge); for example, nilah often refers to another people by their *full name* or titles, so it's something you have to keep in mind (the only exception i can imagine to this is if she's faking not knowing something for the sake of a higher objective that cannot be achieved by the use of brute force)

nilah unending happiness might sound like a big problem, but it has to be one of the most chill parts of her character; usually people tend to focus too much on the happy side of the thing, and in fact she doesn't work like this!

nilah is happy all the time yes, but it works more like a feeling of excitement than of genuine happiness, and the thing is: nilah feels other things too. well, she doesn't feel them literally, but she *believes* she feels them, it's her human part rationally thinking and mentally pointing "oh now i should feel anger" "now it's a moment of sorrow" and the moment the thought leads to a feeling, it is immediately cut by her curse

nilah lives by her principles and values inherited from her human part and past, and that's what she uses to guide her. all her feelings are suppressed by ashlesh, so she has to rely on her logic, basically

the demon's influence feels much like a grasp; it feels like its hands tightly holds nilah's head; ashlesh is oppressive, he's always watching her... and she still keeps him in control through her rituals and meditations (and even with her intelligence)

people overlook this one too, but nilah is very smart and cunning; years of reading made her a walking encyclopedia, and her tongue can be as sharp as her urumi, BUT her spiritual training with the seventh layer order also made her mindful and sensible: she's smart, but she'll only use knowledge for good; she's cunning, but she won't be if unnecessary or for personal gain.

she weighs the consequences of her actions especially when interacting with other people (which brings me to another point that nilah navigates interaction by social cues, she guesses the pattern and goes by it cause 1) she only feels joy and 2) she's contacting another cultures and lands, so it's kinda of a process of trial and error)

also, if i may say, the impression "an intimate evening at oyster bill's" gives about nilah is that she can read intentions very clearly (probably an ability she got from ashlesh), she may not know why people act the way they do, but she knows when someone is lying or being honest (or threatening her)

with these explanations in mind, here's a quick guide by topics to follow when writing nilah

INTERACTIONS

she's very reserved about herself and her past - even when writing her paired with someone, i dont think she would talk about herself, her past is forgotten and she lost herself to joy, remember that

she's moderate when speaking - if you're going to make her sound happy, do it with balance, the only moment she sounds exceptionally happy and excited is in battle

she's not emotional (logically) - she wont act "in the heat of the moment", as i said, she's thoughtful with her actions

ashlesh also "interacts" with other people - tho of what we have been presented so far makes him looks mysterious, here i believe people SHOULD flex, go for your imagination

INNER THOUGHTS

if you feel like really writing her PoV, try to follow that idea of the logical thinking i explained above and keep it short and objective

you can also describe ashlesh's influence for that emotional seasoning (as i explained above)

but (and it's my personal favorite) you can also totally avoid diving into nilah's PoV for that mystery flavor that works so well with her - no one understands her and trying to do so can create interesting settings

MANNERISMS

she always uses people full names or titles - and in this case using titles when not sure about the characters full names can help, but i advise not overuse it

whenever nilah speaks with someone, insert small mentions of recitations during the interaction - with parsimony, the better use of it happens as a tool to drive conversations; nilah can use it to avoid a question, change topics or end conversations (and the inverse can happens too!!), be creative when use it and be sure to include meaningful conversations/interaction between her lil' recitations

nilah make use of mudras, hand gestures - they can be widely used to be honest (it's more frequent when she do recitations/meditates), but you can also make creative use of it (e.g. she inserts signs in the middle of the mudras to sneakily pass a message)

DON'Ts (personal opinion)

avoid making her childish like the hell

dont make her have the joker smile all the time please please please

she doesnt laugh at everything

this one is veryyy particular of me, but nilah wont go out there mentioning ashlesh name or saying things like "this is ashlesh the lord of joy, one of the ten kings, demon of the seventh layer and i control it blah blah blah" - even if she's asked directly i doubt she would give a full answer, AGAIN she's thoughtful and objective, she wont go out there giving this kind of information for free, avoid this

i think these are my main points, ofc dont let them hold yourself on some idea, i really dont wanna hurt any creative thought by somehow "imposing" my views

something that i always have in mind is that everyone is writing nilah's epic somehow, and i believe nilah would like to see everyone's thoughts about her turning into stories

thanks so much for the ask, and sorry for the delay (and maybe i wrote it too big lol), if you have another questions please it will be a pleasure to answer them ^u^

[hauntedselves]

Clinical Formulations of Histrionic PD

Clinical formulations and case conceptualisations are introduced in this post.

These are all generalisations and theories of how HPD develops, not something that is supposed to be true for everyone with HPD.

Psychodynamic model

Histrionics lack relationships with maternal caregivers so turn to paternal caregivers for love and attention

Learn that they can get attention through sexualised behaviours

Men with HPD may be hypomasculine (effeminate) or hypermasculine if their paternal caregiver is emotionally unavailable

Biosocial model

Mood swings, very emotional

Biggest influences are environmental: caregivers’ reinforcement of attention-seeking & manipulative behaviours and histrionic role models

Children learn they can use cuteness, charm, attractiveness & seductive behaviours to get what they want/need (attention from caregivers)

Histrionics are externally focused and largely ignore their internal worlds

Histrionic behaviours are self-perpetuating

Cognitive-Behavioural model

Two main underlying assumptions: “I am inadequate and unable to handle life by myself” and “I must be loved by everyone to be worthwhile.” 

Need attention and approval from others, and in a similar way to DPD feel they are inadequate to look after themselves and need others

Hypersensitive to rejection & criticism (similar to DPD, NPD and AvPD)

Feel they must perform for others to gain approval and self-esteem

Thinking is “impressionistic, global, and unfocused” and leads to over-generalisation, emotional dysregulation, and splitting

Two subtypes:

The controlling type, who tries to gain control through dramatics and manipulation; they struggle with reading others’ emotions and are shallow, self-centred, and uncomfortable without immediate assurance; lack empathy.

The reactive type tries to gain approval and reassurance.

Interpersonal model

People with HPD learnt that their entertainment value and appearance was more important to others than their worth as a person

Learnt that physical appearance and charm can be used to manipulate others

Their childhood homes were unpredictable and probably involved substance abuse

The unpredictability was dramatic and interesting (unlike the “primitive” and life-threatening chaos associated with BPD)

Histrionics were likely rewarded (i.e. had their physical and emotional needs met) for their disabilities, illnesses and complaints

Histrionics “exhibit a strange fear of being ignored, together with a wish to be loved and taken care of by important others, who can be controlled through charm or guile.”

Integrative model

Histrionics experience reactive mood swings and have high levels of energy

They are hyper-responsive and externally oriented

“The self-view of the histrionic will be some variant of the theme “I am sensitive and everyone should admire and approve of me.” The world-view will be some variant of “Life makes me nervous so I am entitled to special care and consideration.” Life goal is some variant of the theme “Therefore, play to the audience, and live in the moment.””

Cargivers’ style based in reciprocity, i.e. “I’ll give you attention if you do what I want”, with minimal or inconsistent discipline and probable neglect

Internal experiences of HPD are “denial of one’s real or inner self; a preoccupation with externals; the need for excitement and attention-seeking, which leads to a superficial charm and interpersonal presence; and the need for external approval. This, in turn, further reinforces the dissociation and denial of the real or inner self from the public self, and the cycle continues.”

- From Sperry, Handbook of Diagnosis and Treatment of DSM-5 Personality Disorders (2016)

[goneseriesanalysis]

Caine Soren

Hiya guys, so here are my thoughts and opinions on Caine from my re-read of the first book. I was planning on writing this quicker but my ADHD told me no. I’m prolly gonna write up a bunch now though because I’m ✨in the zone✨ Also, apologies but this is another long one because I am physically incapable of being concise 

Spoilers for Gone down below

Original Opinion: Most of my criticism on him as a character came as a result of later development so I’m not quite sure whether that will change as of yet. But as far as his role as a villain, I really enjoyed his character and what he brought to the story.

New Opinion: I still maintain that Caine is a good main villain for this book. I found him to be waaaaay different and way less competent than I remember, but boy is he interesting. I have so many thoughts on Caine and it was a real struggle getting them all down.

1.) CAINE’S APPEARANCE:

Ok so we are first introduced to Caine in chapter 14 through Sam’s POV. We see him standing apart from the other Coates kids “wearing a bright yellow V-necked sweater instead of a blazer.” This is obviously done to set him apart from the other Coates kids, and (forgive me for going all English teacher on you) the colour yellow has connotations of corruption and deceit, which fit in pretty nicely with Caine as a character. Sam then goes on to give us a more detailed description:

“He was handsome, even Sam noticed that. He had dark hair and dark eyes, not much different from Sam himself. But this boy’s face seemed to glow with an inner light. He radiated confidence, but without arrogance or condescension. In fact, he managed to seem genuinely humble even while standing alone, looking out over everyone else.”

This is one of my least favourite descriptions in the whole book because it simultaneously manages to tell us almost nothing about Caine’s appearance whilst making me cringe so hard that my muscles start to atrophy. Seen as we get very little description of Sam, telling us that Caine looks like Sam is pretty much useless – although it nicely sets up the brother twist – and dark hair and dark eyes could mean anything. Are his eyes blue, brown, black?? Is his hair black or brown?? Who knows?? Not me. And don’t even get me started on his face glowing with an inner light. Because no. I hate this line so much it actually hurts. I thought at first it may be in reference to his connection with the gaiaphage. But that makes no sense. It reminds me of the scene in The Great Gatsby where Nick describes Gatsby’s smile for about half a page and he just sounds ridiculous. I will admit the last two sentences give a good example of Caine’s ability to charm and manipulate those around him but the rest is just aaa

We also learn that he is handsome, which is then followed by what I consider to be a writer’s greatest sin. “He was handsome, even Sam noticed that” – Every. Single. Time a male character describes another male character who just so happens to be attractive in any given book from any author, we get this line. It is the writer’s equivalent of saying no homo and I’m going to make it my personal mission to call them all out on it.

Ok moving on – sorry about that. Rant over.

Sam then says that “His voice was clear and just a little higher, maybe, than Sam’s, but strong and determined. He had a way of looking at the crowed before him that made it seem he was meeting every person’s eye, seeing every person as an individual.” This is good at further establishing Caine as a leader, and shows his relationship with crowds, it gives the reader some indication of his ability to control. He is able to easily win over those of Perdido Beach with his charm.

Caine gets referred to as being attractive by a few other characters throughout the book, but the last main description we get of him is from Drake’s POV in chapter 20:

“Caine sat in his over-large leather chair, the one that had previously belonged to the mayor of Perdido Beach. It made him look small. It made him look very young. And to make matters worse, he was chewing on his thumbnail, which made it almost look like he was sucking his thumb.”

This description is kind of reminiscent of the scene with Sam and the shirt that I talked about in my Sam Temple post. He has taken over the mayor’s chair but he is not fit to take on the position of mayor. Whereas Sam’s weakness in leadership stems from his insecurities and doubts, it is Caine’s narcissism and over-confidence that make him unfit to lead. Michael gives Caine the compulsion of biting his thumbnail when he is nervous. This is a habit that people often pick up to deal with challenging emotions is a less destructive way (as opposed to having a meltdown or getting angry) and works nicely for Caine’s character. It shows that while he does have his moments where he loses control, he is capable of controlling himself to a certain degree, making it seem more likely that someone like Diana might align herself with him. This also helps to further the idea that despite his narcissism and delusions of grandeur, he is still just a kid. And of course sets up the idea that Drake is somewhat resentful towards Caine.

2.) CAINE’S PERSONALITY:

Caine’s personality is a difficult one to analyse as there are two main aspects to it – the personality he projects in order to manipulate people and his actual personality – and sometimes the line between these blurs to the point where it becomes unclear which one we are seeing. One thing that I did notice is that in this book we don’t actually get a Caine POV until the Thanksgiving battle, so we mostly see him through the eyes of Sam, Jack, Drake and Diana, who all have very different relationships with him.

As I mentioned before, we first see Caine through Sam’s POV, where we are introduced to what I’m gonna call his fake personality. Michael uses phrases such as “Caine appeared interested” alongside Astrid’s commentary, which lets the reader know that Caine is not what he appears to be, but of course the general population of Perdido Beach are not aware of this. One criticism I had towards the way that Caine’s character is portrayed is that it is initially hinted that the reason he is able to gain such control over people is because of his proficiency in manipulation and his superficial kindness (such as when he comforts the kid who asks for his mum). And yet he manages to fool almost no-one?? Astrid, Sam, Edilio, Albert, Mary and Howard all immediately see through his façade, which makes it hard to believe that this is how he gained such influence over people. (And of course all the kids at Coates who were cemented saw through it too). In fact I found myself to be kind of confused as to why anyone follows him at all?? Is it just a fear of his power?? That’s… a little disappointing. He doesn’t become mayor because he charms the population. He becomes mayor because no-one else wants to do it, and no-one can be bothered to oppose him. And even when people start to become more afraid, they aren’t afraid of Caine. It’s Drake. Although, you of course have to take into account the fact that these are just children who want someone they can look towards for help and guidance. Perhaps Caine’s persuasive abilities are less about using his charm to completely win people over and more about him being able to take advantage of situations that are presented to him. He has just enough superficial charm and makes just enough beneficial changes (such as laying down rules and protecting the food) that people are willing to overlook some of the more sinister things that he does.

That being said, I think my main issue with so many characters being able to see through Caine so quickly, is what it says about or “hero.” Sam doing nothing to stop Caine, despite him clearly knowing that Caine is bad news makes him seem a little selfish?? His insecurities stop him from doing what is right, and while it is good to have a flawed hero, his willingness to allow Caine to terrorise Perdido Beach up until he threatens Sam personally seems less like a small character flaw and more like a pretty big lapse in morality and compassion. Would Sam have ever taken control if Caine hadn’t kidnapped him?? If Sam had been fooled by Caine’s manipulation that would imo have made both of their characters better fit their respective roles of protagonist and antagonist.

That being said one of my absolute favourite lines regarding Caine is “Then let’s go in together,’ Caine said. He turned and marched purposefully up the church steps. The rest of the chosen fell in behind him.” in chapter 14. I think this perfectly captures the contrast between what Caine says and what he does, and I really love it.  One of Michael’s strengths is adding little throw away lines that can perfectly sum up a character and their intentions. And this idea of Caine saying something but meaning something else is pretty central to his character – the biggest pay-off we get from this in book 1 is him promising to protect the little’s and then (horrifyingly) feeding them to the coyotes in the final battle. This was a scene that I did not previously remember and man did I feel some emotions when reading it. There wasn’t even a second thought, absolutely no indication of remorse. I know a few times it’s mentioned throughout the books that the difference between Caine and Drake is that Caine only does what is necessary – but the scene with the coyotes really contradicts that idea.

Caine’s ‘real personality’ imo is shown in little moments throughout the books. By Caine’s real personality, I’m referring to the part of him that we don’t really see at all in this book, the part of him that is only really hinted at by Diana, and occasionally Drake. Even when Caine is around Diana and Drake, he still tries to keep up a persona – this time that of a cold and detached boy with little to no emotions. But this isn’t really who he is. I think the ‘real’ Caine is an extremely emotional person (although I would like to clarify that by emotional I mainly mean angry and sometimes scared) and there are a couple of moments where this does shine through. There are a few times where Caine loses his temper with both Drake and Diana, using his powers to injure them and to reiterate the power he has over them. I think this shows how insecure Caine truly is, despite what he would have others believe. He only ever breaks character when his authority is mocked or threatened, even if the threat holds no real intention (such as Diana’s jibe after he kisses her). I do find it interesting that, at the core, Sam and Caine are quite similar. It is how these insecurities manifest and project themselves that really define them as different. Caine’s insecurities also shine through in these quotes from Diana:

“Yes. Sam is a four bar. And Caine would freak.” – Chapter 29

“Caine, despite his over-sized ego, his looks, his charm, was terribly awkward with girls.” – Chapter 39

Caine needs to be in control. He needs to be the most powerful person in the room at all times, and the only two people who can really be considered a threat to him in this way are Diana and Sam. Sam is his main threat and Diana, of course, holds a certain amount of power over him due to his feelings towards her. However, any time that Diana seems to be gaining or trying to gain more power (most notably when she makes fun of him for kissing her and when she tries to make him call off the coyotes) he reacts with violence. But I’ll go into that more when I make a post about their relationship.

Another thing that I noticed about Caine that I hadn’t previously remembered is that, he’s a bit of a coward. We first see this in chapter 34 when Little Pete frees the Coates kids “Caine was quick. He backed away, turned, and ran for the building.” The one thing that really got me about this is that he didn’t wait for Diana. He just turned and saved himself. Which kind of brings into question why Diana stays with him. Does he offer protection?? He certainly didn’t here. He literally abandoned her and ran for the hills. The other time we really see this side of him when he uses Astrid as a human shield in chapter 45. Diana even comments on this, telling him to “be a man for once.” I don’t have much else to say about this, but I think it’s an interesting aspect of his personality that certainly makes it easier to dislike him.

Now the last thing I want to talk about in regards to his personality is chapter 36 (the chapter where Drake gets his arm cut off). Caine gets in three good moments during this scene, the first one being:

“It’s not Diana or Chunk or even me,’ Caine said. ‘It’s none of us, Drake. It’s Sam. It’s Sam who did this to you, Drake. You want him to get away with it? Or do you want to live long enough to make him suffer?”

This is one of my favourite Caine moments in the book, and it’s really one of the only times that we see his manipulation actually work on someone. He knows exactly what to say to Drake in order to shift the blame in the direction he wants. Forget that I left you behind to deal with Sam and the escaped kids yourself. Forget that Diana is sawing your arm off. Just focus on Sam. And I think this line had such an effect on Drake’s psyche (which I will explore more in my Drake post) and really excellently shows off Caine’s ability to take advantage of a pre-existing situation in order to benefit himself.

The next two moments are where I really think the lines between Caine’s persona and the ‘real’ Caine blur to the point where it’s unclear which side of him we are seeing – and I think there is an argument for both although imo I feel like it’s his persona that we are seeing.

“It’s the only way to stop the pain,’ Caine said, almost showing some emotion, some pity. ‘The arm is done for Drake-man.”

“Don’t cut off my arm,’ Drake cried. ‘Let me die. Just let me die. Shoot me.           ‘Sorry,’ Caine said. ‘But I still need you, Drake. Even one-handed.”

So, we first get the idea that Caine, at least somewhat, feels sorry for Drake. Drake’s injury is horrific and it’s clear that other characters, such as Jack and Diana, who are usually nothing but hostile to Drake (and rightfully so) feel some sympathy towards the situation. Now it’s also important to note that this scene is from Drake’s POV so we don’t actually know if the sympathy Caine is showing is real, is part of his attempt to manipulate Drake, or isn’t there at all and is just something that Drake wants. (I think the last option is entirely plausible as Drake often seeks praise from Caine, so in a situation like this it makes sense that he would seek some empathy). However, Caine then goes on to refuse Drake’s plea for death… because he needs him. Not because he’s a friend – or even just an ally. Not because he doesn’t want him to die. But because he needs him. That’s cold. And it’s really cold to tell him that – which leads me to believe that the almost sympathy Drake sees earlier on was never there, or at the very least was just a manipulation tactic. Caine cares so little for the people around him and I find it quite funny that it was his treatment of Drake (the person probably most deserving of it) in this scene that really showed me how much of a villain Caine can be.

3.) CAINE’S MOTIVATIONS:

Why does Caine do the things he does?? Why does he need to be in control?? And while we don’t really get much insight into Caine’s head in this book, there are a few good moments which allowed a reader to speculate as to what his motivations are. The first moment that really stood out to me was in chapter 39, where Caine tries to open up to Diana about his parents:

“I always had the feeling, you know? That my family wasn’t my real family. They never said I was adopted, but my mother – well, the woman I thought was my mother, I don’t know what to call her now. Anyway, her, she never talked about having me. You know, you hear moms talking about going into labour and all. She never talked about that.”

From this, we can see that Caine always felt like an outsider within his own family, he always felt like he didn’t belong. And this seems to be a pretty big motivator when it comes to Caine’s need to take over, to have power over everyone else. If he has control, then he will always have a place. He will always belong because the world will be his. Caine never fit in in the real world, his narcissism (and probably psychopathy) distanced him from other people right from the get go. But in this new world, in the FAYZ, Caine has a chance to be important, to be a ruler and he’s willing to do pretty much anything to get that. I think this idea, of his need for power and control stemming from the lack of acceptance and belonging he felt with his family, is emphasised in chapter 46, during the poof:

“Caine seemed spellbound, unable to tear his gaze away from the gentle, smiling face, the piercing blue eyes.                                                                        ‘Why?’ Caine asked in a small child’s voice.                                                             […]                                                                                                                          ‘Why him and not me?’ Caine asked.”

This is the only time I felt the slightest bit of sympathy for Caine during my re-read of this book. He is 14. A kid. He spent his whole life feeling like and outsider and now he knows that a woman he knew, a woman that he saw almost every night is his actual mother. That she also knew this and yet never tried to talk to him, to explain, to do anything. And now he’s looking at ‘her’ and all he wants to know is why. Why did she give him up?? He lacks empathy and many other emotions that allow healthy relationships with others, yet he still wants people to have that connection with him. He needs him and rely on him. So his solution is to gain enough power, enough authority and control so that people have to listen to him and have to rely on him. He doesn’t care how many people he hurts or pisses off, because in the end, if he gets what he wants, that won’t matter. He’ll be too powerful for it to matter because they’ll still need him anyway. And that’s why “All that matters is winning. So save it.” – Chapter 45

4.) CAINE’S INTENTIONS/ HIS ROLE AS A VILLAIN:

Caine’s intentions are pretty obvious from the very first time we meet him in chapter 14. And, of course, it is these intentions that really define his role as a villain. Now, in chapter 14, it never outright says that Caine’s intentions are to take complete control over Perdido Beach. In fact, Caine tries to make it seem like he wants to make a collaborative effort to help them all move forward. But once again, his actions contradict his words, most notably in these lines:

“Orc grunted, shifted the bat from right hand to left, and stuck out his thick paw. Caine grabbed it with both his hands and solemnly looked Orc in the eye as they shook hands.”

“But Caine grabbed his elbow and manoeuvred him into a handshake.” [Referring to Sam]

“Caine had moved confidently towards the altar.”

These lines subtly show that, whilst Caine talks about working together, he is really the one in charge. He is the one dictating what is happening and when it is happening, forcing Sam and Orc to shake his hand. Giving them jobs so that he can keep an eye on them (Orc) or keep them out of the way (Sam). And of course, he won’t stand with them in the church. They don’t sit around a table and talk as equals. Caine has to be up at the front. He also gets extremely angry when other people make demands, or give an idea that he can’t take credit for. The most obvious example of this being in response to Howard telling him that they wouldn’t be working for Drake.  “Sam saw a coldly furious expression appear on Caine’s handsome face, then disappear as swiftly as it had come.” This is then followed up by Caine ripping a 12ft cross off of a wall and launching it at them, so it’s safe to say that he doesn’t appreciate his authority being challenged.

Later in the book we then get more obvious examples of his intentions, as his role as the villain is fully unveiled:

“Caine, to the surprise of no-one who knew him, had taken over the mayor’s office.” – Chapter 15

“Number one says Caine is the mayor of Perdido Beach and the whole area known as the FAYZ.” – Chapter 16

After Caine basically walks into Perdido Beach, tells everyone what to do, and gets away with it, he begins to be more outright with his intentions. He immediately takes over the mayor’s office, and makes his new title of mayor the very first rule to be enforced. He isn’t really all that secretive about his intentions, at least not after the initial meeting. I think this is a measure of his confidence – he doesn’t feel at all threatened by the people of Perdido Beach. I think one of the reasons that Caine is such a good villain, is that when he is in control, he isn’t that bad?? I mean sure, having Drake as sheriff is less than ideal, but Caine himself is not a bad leader. He comes up with rules that both make sense and do actively increase the quality of life of those in Perdido Beach (minus the no magic tricks rule). It’s only what Caine is willing to do in order to get that power that actually makes him the villain. Once he has it, he’s not really a threat?? And then of course, we get Caine’s fantastic little speech in chapter 42 that really just sums up all these ideas in much less words:

“What was I supposed to do? Coates? That’s it? How do you not see what an opportunity this is? We’re in a whole new world. I’m the most powerful person in that whole new world. No adults. No parents or teachers or cops. It’s perfect. Perfect for me. All I have to do is take care of Sam and a few others, and I’ll have complete control.”

Because if it wasn’t for his ego, if he hadn’t attacked Sam, if he hadn’t used Drake to cause fear and enmity, he would have had it. He would have gotten his complete control, because no-one else really wanted to be in charge. The fool is his own worst enemy.

5.) CAINE’S POWERS:

So, the last thing I wanted to discuss about Caine, is his powers. To me, it seemed whilst reading that his powers are almost an extension of his personality. Caine is naturally a very domineering person, and so it makes sense that his power is the ability to control things with his mind. The first time we see Caine’s powers (also the first time we see anyone purposefully use their powers) is in the church:

“Caine sighed, raised his hands, and used both palms to smooth back his hair.                                                   There came a rumble, up through the floor and pews. A small earthquake…                                        […]                                                                                                                                                                   But then came a rending sound, steel and wood twisting, and the crucifix separated from the wall. It ripped free of the bolts holding it in place, like an invisible giant had yanked it away.                              […]                                                                                                                                                             The crucifix toppled forwards. It fell like a chain sawed tree.                                                                                                             As it fell, Caine dropped his hands to his sides. His face was grim, hard, and angry.                                                                                                 The crucifix, at least a dozen feet tall, slammed with shocking force down onto the front-row pew. The impact was as loud and sudden as a car wreck.” – Chapter 14

I like how, similarly to the way he talks, the first time we see a display of his power, he is hiding it – his body language is suggesting one action whilst he is actually doing something else entirely. This again makes me feel like the powers are an extension of personalities (and I will give other examples of this is later posts).  I also noticed that the use of his powers is almost always as a response to his anger, something that Sam also learns to do thanks to Astrid’s guidance. These two scenes are great examples of this:

“Caine’s smile was cold. He raised his hand, palm out. An invisible fist hit Sam in the face. He staggered back. He barely stopped himself from falling, but his head was reeling. Blood leaked from his nose.” – Chapter 21

“Caine reached back over his shoulder with one hand, not even looking back. He spread his fingers, bared his palms. The fallen portion of the wall came apart, brick by brick. One by one, as though each brick had sprouted wings, they lifted off and flew. The bricks hurtled past Caine’s head and through the open door as fast as machine-gun bullets.” – Chapter 31

Unlike Sam, who often uses his powers as a defence strategy, Caine always uses them as a method of attack. He attacks Orc’s gang, Drake, Sam and Andrew – not as a last resort, but as a warning. He likes to make a big display of his power in order to deter people from actually engaging in a fight. Although when it does come down to an actual fight, he tends to be a little less confrontational and a little bit more of a coward. I mean come one. Hiding behind Astrid was low. At least this is the case in book 1.

Next, is the development of his powers. Unlike Sam, we know that Caine did not discover his powers alone:

“Several of us developed strange powers, starting a few months ago,’ Caine said conversationally. ‘We were like a secret club. Frederico, Andrew, Dekka, Brianna, some others. We worked together to develop them. Encouraged each other. See, that’s the difference between Coates people and you townies. In boarding school it’s hard to keep secrets. But soon it became clear that my powers were of a whole different order. What I just did to you? No one else could do that.”

The Coates kids formed a sort of support group for each other, which is why they have such a good understanding of their powers, as opposed to Lana and the Perdido Beach kids, who either hid their powers or else didn’t discover them until the FAYZ began. One thing that I do find interesting about this, is that the Coates kids all seemed to develop their powers pretty late. Caine says that the powers started a few months ago, and yet Sam first used his 14 months before the FAYZ began. I think that goes to show how the Coates environment really gave Caine the ability to experiment with and foster his powers, which is why he has such control. He achieved in a few months what is took Sam over a year to do. (One thing that I think would have been nice to have is perhaps in a later book some flashbacks on the Coates kids working together to do this. But oh well)

Thank you so much again for reading, and please feel free to add your thoughts. Next up is Diana and I have a lot to say about her. :)

[apathetically-hopeful]

5/18/21 Emotions

Emotional vulnerability has never been a suit I’ve been able to wear comfortably. My mind has waited for this moment for a long time, so long that it now feels like I’m reconnecting with a distant relative. It’s awkward, and at most times, unpleasant. When you’ve spent so long suppressing the parts of yourself that are rebelling against everything you’re trying to ignore; life gets messy quick. And it holds true, because my life is very plain and simply a mess right now.

I had another panic attack today. I’ve never really had these before; except on very rare occasions. Now I have them once or twice a week; and they are on a whole other level from the ones I’ve experienced in the past. I was finally committing to completing a task I’ve been putting off for some time. The simple process of unpacking and starting to organize my new space sent me spiraling. I’m not actually sure where it came from; if it was the unpacking or just some kind of mental dam breaking. Out of nowhere though, I began crying and felt like I was unable to catch my breath. It was a completely crippling moment for me; because I am not a person that handles feeling powerless very well.

Fair to say; I’ve never really had a handle on my emotions in any capacity. In fact the only control I did have over them was my ability to bury them deep inside myself; never to see the light of day again. But instead of letting my emotions define me and make me who I am, something much worse happened. I developed into a person that was so afraid of vulnerability and their own feelings that I turned into a manipulative and self absorbed monster. My need to live each day without feeling the weight or internal cost of my actions turned me into someone that could only pursue momentary happiness and fulfillment. When those moments had passed, however, I was left with a constant feeling of emptiness.

To fill the perceived void in myself, I did everything I could, except for everything I should. I would have nights on end of partying and indulgence, or make impulse buys, or just surround myself with distractions that would only leave me feeling whole for fleeting instants. When I wasn’t able to comfort myself with superficial bullshit; I’d become emotionally destitute and drag myself and those that loved me down into the bowels of my self loathing. Having next to no healthy coping mechanisms meant I was just destined to keep following a path that would lead to an assured destruction of self. As with all things that are inevitable; the inevitable happened. 

I was going through life with an attitude that had zero sustainability. How can a person perpetually lack self worth and emotional cognizance, and somehow expect any sort of fulfillment from life. It was a never ending cycle of finding something to pin my happiness on and then having to eventually come to terms with my own lack of internal equilibrium. Now that I have hit rock bottom; I’m left with no choice but to face myself. Because I’ve finally started this journey, I find that I’m now forced to deal with everything all at once. The lock has been smashed off the cage where I kept all the monsters of my own creation locked away.

Staring all my trauma down every day has been the most exhausting thing I’ve ever attempted. Exacerbated by the fact that I am facing new and fresh trauma; I find that it’s all I can do to hold myself together from one minute to the next. My fears have shifted now though. What I find myself most afraid of is regressing to old habits of dealing with things both internally and externally. Unfortunately I’m not perfect and there is no clearly defined path to succeeding in my efforts.

See, I fucked things up again for myself just a few days ago. I got so focused in, on an external situation, that I allowed myself to slip into familiar habits for a brief moment. Luckily I was able to pull myself back from the edge in a relatively timely manner; but not before I had caused some damage to everything I’ve been trying to accomplish. Now I find that I’m paralyzed by fear of the consequences of my actions. I don’t know if what I did has irreparably changed the course of what I’m seeking. All that’s left for me is to hope that myself and those I affected can forgive me for my moment of weakness. If they could see the damage my screwup did to myself as well as them, then I hope they can understand that it is everything I’m trying to move away from.

Trying to balance on this tightrope is something that will take me a lot of practice. Falling means landing back into everything that made me so insufferable to myself and others. Fortunately, so far I have only slipped and been able to find the strength to pull myself back up. The canyon below is deep and perilous; something I’m not sure I could survive the depths of. That makes my only choice to move forward; to reach the other side of this great chasm spanning my psyche. 

When you’ve spent so long avoiding anything that wasn’t immediately satisfying, it is easy to not understand your emotions. Navigating through an ocean of feelings that you don’t even properly know how to feel. I find that I am often confused, or even upset, that I can’t decipher what is going on in my head. My traumas, both past and present, are all laid bare in front of me now. Learning the way to proceed against them is challenging. But I feel that somewhere under all this madness and uncertainty is a part of me that is relieved; dare I say, maybe even happy.

I kept so much of myself locked away for so long that I think the part of myself that allowed me to have hope, to feel, and to understand had been imprisoned as well. Turning inward and dealing with one’s own shortcomings in life is a painful but necessary journey. I used to regret and blame everything in my life for making me into this person that I’m trying so hard to leave behind. But now I find that my only regret is that I never started traveling into myself sooner. 

Letting go of these regrets has been like an anchor removed from the shackles of my soul. I’m only in the most infantile steps of the process, but I know that each day I find myself feeling a little more at peace in my own mind. I have many more difficulties on the road before me, and I am sure I will stumble again; but I’m learning the depths of my own strength and will. I am now taking a level of comfort in being able to allow myself to truly experience my feelings and what they are trying to tell me. I find that after a break down, before the tears have even dried, that the sun seems to be a little brighter and the air just ever slightly easier to breathe. Maybe this is what true hope feels like. Maybe I’m truly starting to believe in my own power over my emotions, without feeling the need to lock them up.

To those that I’ve affected: please know that I am facing all of this with nothing but sincerity and love. I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt by me along the way. My only hope is that you keep your faith in me, because I will not stop until it is rewarded. And I will press on past that point, because the journey of self is one that never ends. I just need to believe that somewhere along the way, I will not only gain everything that I want, but that I will be truly deserving of it.

Seize control of your mind and emotions. Find yourself on the other side of the pain. Love always,

Trevor.

[ermuellert]

what are your honest opinions on julian draxler's career?

personally i thought he was genuinely going to be a big star because he was this young wonderkid at schalke who won the world cup as a 20 year old (he didn't do much though to be fair) but it never really turned out that way ... he's not done terribly per se, he is playing for psg, living that sweet life en france, and somehow still getting callups to the german national team but i am just kind of sad that he never reached the full potential that he had ... i thought he would be the captain of the "new" germany generation, one of the leaders, but now he barely gets to play ... i am kind of extra worked up about his case because he seems like a nice and sweet person as well ... anyways maybe i just have a bad track record of predicting career trajectories, all the youngsters i thought would succeed haven't (yet), at one point i believed that julian weigl and max meyer would also be world beaters and here we are ... i don't know what it is, probably a mix of injuries, bad luck, and maybe just not working hard enough ... long long sigh

anyways if you read all that you're an absolute superstar because i really went and wrote an essay oops ... i look forward to your live blogging tomorrow as it is always entertaining ... lots of love xxx

i hope u know that deep down.... like. Deep Down... i am always always always craving to talk about julian...... like trust me... i promise essays on monsieur draxler are always welcome here because i used to write that much about him and sometimes still think that much about him too...

objectively speaking, i think he is doing alright! pretty good by a lot of standards probably, for most of the reasons u listed. he’s getting paid obscene amounts (probably more than he deserves at this moment in time), has a seemingly great personal life, and as u said, still getting his national team callups. 

my personal thoughts, on the other hand, are... well....... not really of the same sentiment. i already know i’m gonna write up an even longer essay so let me just tuck the rest of this ramble under a cut for the sake of my followers lmao

honestly for me... thinking about julian is kind of depressing. if you feel worked up about him, just know that i relate. he seems very happy where he is in his life at the moment and so of course i’m happy for him too but compared to the potential it seemed he had... it’s just a bit sad. mostly because it isn’t as though he’s an excellent player hindered by injuries (e.g. reus) or anything really beyond his control - i think a lot of what’s so disappointing about his career trajectory is really just to do with him and him only.

yes, his failed transfer to juve back when he was at schalke wasn’t his fault but to move to wolfsburg? i know hindsight is 20/20 but i almost wish he’d just stayed at schalke. the drama he got into while he was at wolfsburg really did not do any good for his image, putting aside the fact that he was putting in average (even inconsistent) performances for the team. at schalke, maybe he could’ve had more time to develop within a team he grew up in and just use his time there to work and work hard. (there’s something i want to say about mentality here but i’ll bring that up later)

then, when his transfer to psg was announced, i felt like that was some beacon of hope although honestly, i think anything compared to wolfsburg could’ve looked that way to me at the time lmao keeping up with that club just for him (and partly andré schürrle) was fucking painful my god

at psg he was off to a decent start and things were starting to look up! wasn’t starting every single match but he was playing fairly well and made quick friends with his new teammates (u know who lol) etc. but then of course any sort of rhythm/momentum he gained was totally thrown off by mbappé’s and neymar’s arrivals which i think were both only around half a year after his transfer. 

and so basically since then, he’s been “competing” for a spot with ney, kylian, and di maría.

(ok reading that back i realize that whole recap of his career was not really necessary or at least. making it as lengthy as i did wasn’t but. i’m too lazy to go back and reword everything so bear with me lmao)

taking all that into account, i think yes, to some extent, he has some excuse for the stagnation of his career. he’s had his injuries and he’s been played out of position for large portions of time.

but i think what really frustrates me about him is that as a fan who’s loved him for years it’s really sad to see that what’s holding him back is not necessarily a lack of ability but just that he doesn’t have the sort of drive i wish he did. it’s been on display in his performances before - he can be lazy and invisible - but i think what’s worse is how that translates off the pitch. he’s just never really seemed to fight for a spot in the starting eleven. and if the rumors are true (as they do seem so) the parisian nightlife has not been doing him very good lmao

not only that though but i think he just doesn’t care as much about football as he does about ... image? money? i don’t know. i don’t know what the word i’m looking for is. i don’t think julian is a superficial sort of person and i’m not saying ambition is a bad thing at all, but when he couldn’t go from schalke to juventus (and that failed transfer was riding, presumably, a lot on his wonderboy status at schalke), he followed the money to wolfsburg. put in performances that understandably received criticism at wolfsburg, then very publicly made a whole thing out of wanting to leave and not being able to. then followed the money to psg where he just ... vibes on the bench. well, at least up until this season. but even then, if it weren’t for all the covid cases and red cards, i don’t know if he would be playing as much as he has. 

so tl;dr: i love julian a lot still and he’s still the same sweet dorky fuckboi-ish guy i’ve been a fan of since the start and i’m happy that he’s happy! the tragic irony is that what makes him happy - collecting checks while being a bench player - is also what depresses me quite a bit about him. he has his flashes of brilliance every once in a while where you can see that 17-year-old schalke wonderboy in him, so you know that hype from long ago wasn’t all a waste and that somewhere in there is a very talented, perhaps starworthy footballer. but he isn’t. not because he can’t but because he doesn’t really care to. and not in a dismissive sense i don’t think. i don’t think he thinks “ah who cares about being the best player in the world fuck that” but moreso in the sense of “ah i think i’m doing alright! that’s good enough for me.” and that sort of mentality is what places him (or at least, contributes to his position being) a tier below his peers who have proven themselves (e.g. kimmich, although that also brings up the whole “can that sort of fighter/die-on-the-pitch type mentality be taught or must it be inherent” kind of thing so let’s move on before i write an essay within this essay) at the end of the day i know not every footballer is in this sport simply for the sake of playing it, but from time to time thinking about him fills me with a lot of nostalgia and yes a tinge of disappointment because i can’t help but think of what could’ve been (i.e. what would’ve happened if he’d stayed at schalke? stayed there for good or stayed for a season or two more, developed even more hype, strengthened his abilities. had a successful transfer to a good, solid club and continued to hone his abilities, etc).

ok. now i’m done. i’m so sorry for putting u through all that and skimming this back i sound SO dramatic lmao but man i’ve been through like six-ish years of following his career so fuck it oh well

also if u wanna know how much i still care, know that after the “draxler to leeds united” rumors first dropped, i wrestled with my impulse control every single day for a week trying to stop myself from dming him on insta saying “i love you but get ur ass to leeds or i will kidnap u and get u there myself your football career is killing me but i love you and just want the best for u have a nice day xx”

[argylemnwrites]

It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment - Chapter 19

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Riley Liu)

Book: The Royal Romance (Canon Divergent from Book 2, Chapter 15)

Word Count: ~6000

Rating: R (language, as always)

Summary: Drake clears the air with another woman in his family, and Liam comes to some decisions about his future.

Author’s Note: Some computer issues were preventing me from accessing my google doc (my absolute nightmare), so sorry I didn’t quite get this posted on Saturday, but I’m making sure this gets up before the Choices Big Game Blitz fics start dominating my queue. Happy Superbowl Sunday, everyone!

This series diverges from TRR canon, where instead of waiting to discuss his relationship with Riley until their last night in NYC, leaving her a note while Liam is proposing to her, Drake tackles this topic as soon as possible after Tariq makes his statement and Riley’s name is cleared. To catch up on this series, you can find the previous chapters in my masterlist (link is located in my bio).

Drake shuffled through Austin-Bergstrom airport, making his way over to baggage claim. He didn’t know what would be worse - his mother being there and acting like this was in any way normal, or her not being there at all. As he rounded the corner and headed for carousel 4, he saw her there, looking nowhere near as anxious as he felt. When she caught sight of him, she waved frantically and then dashed over to give him a big hug.

“Oh Drake, I’m so glad you’re here,” she said, squeezing him tightly.

Drake returned the hug, but it felt rather awkward, like they were acting out the parts of a mother and son reuniting at the airport. It didn’t feel natural.

“Hey, Mom. Savannah says ‘hi.’”

“Of course she does. Tell her she needs to bring that baby boy of hers out for a visit!”

Drake nodded and followed his mother out to the truck, throwing his luggage in the backseat before climbing into the passenger seat. As his mom backed the truck out of the short term parking spot and headed toward the exit, he tried to figure out whether he should start this conversation now or if it would be better to wait until they were at the ranch. He probably should have tried to come up with some sort of plan for this on his way out here, but it was too late for that now.

“Are you sure you can only stay one night?” Bianca asked once they had gotten onto the freeway, “We haven’t seen you in ages and it would be nice if you could stay for a bit.”

Drake shook his head, “I need to be in New York tomorrow night. Someone’s expecting me.”

“Liam?”

“No,” Drake replied, turning to stare out the window. He did not want to discuss Riley and how up in the air things were in his relationship. He came here for a purpose, and he couldn’t let himself get sidetracked onto another topic. His mother had an uncanny ability to redirect the conversation.

“Well, regardless of how long you’ll be here, this is a lovely surprise,” she said, clearly looking to keep things light and friendly. Drake cringed slightly, knowing he planned to take things in a very different direction. He took a deep breath before he started. It was now or never.

“Mom, I… well I actually came to Texas because I kind of need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kind of a lot of things, actually.”

“Drake, are you in some sort of legal trouble?”

“No! Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. You’re just being very cagey and I don’t understand what else would have you so jumpy and flying in on a whim.”

“This isn’t exactly a whim, Mom. I’ve thought about coming to talk to you about this for a long time now.”

“Okaaaayyy…” she responded, turning her head briefly to look at him as she dragged out the word, then snapping her eyes back to the road ahead. 

Drake tilted his head back slightly and closed his eyes, hoping that would make getting the words out a little easier, “I’ve been carrying this around with me for a long time. Trying to figure out how to say it without being an asshole to you. But I think it’s just gotten to the point where I need to tell you. There’s not a good way, really.

“When you left Cordonia, when you left Sav and me in Cordonia, well… you hurt me. And I’ve been carrying around that hurt for almost half my life now. And I can’t keep doing it anymore. It’s not healthy and I just need to get it off my chest.”

“Oh, Drake,” his mother replied, “I’m so sorry. I thought I was doing right by you and Savannah, leaving you with Liam and your friends. You seemed so happy there, I didn’t want to uproot your lives any more than they already had been by your father’s death.”

Drake ran his hand over his face. He had kind of expected this - some superficial justifications and a light apology. But that was like slapping a bandage on a gunshot wound - it wasn’t actually going to help anyone. If they left it at that, he would leave Texas tomorrow the same as if he had not come at all. He had to keep going, even if it meant that he destroyed any semblance of a relationship he had with his mother.

“Okay, but we were just kids. For Christ’s sake, Savannah was only 12 when you moved out. We had just lost our father and then less than a year later we lost our mother too, by her choice. It’s bullshit that you even attempt to justify this, Mom. And you know it.”

She didn’t say anything, but he heard her flip her blinker on, getting off the highway at the next exit and pulling into a gas station parking lot, turning off the truck before she spoke.

“Drake, I’m sorry,” she bit out, her voice cracking, “But I was in no shape to be a mother. I was mourning and I had no support system. I needed my sister.”

Drake shook his head, “Sorry Mom, but that’s just too damn bad. When you’re a parent you can’t just fuck off because things are tough. You were mourning? Well, what about me and Sav? We were mourning, too. You might have needed Aunt Lee, but we needed our mother.”

His mother was crying in earnest now, but Drake felt like he couldn’t stop talking, that all this old pain was just flooding out of him, “Tough shit that you were in pain. Your kids were hurting just as much. What kind of mother just leaves her children behind? How could you do that to us? Didn’t you miss your kids at all?

“I was 15, Mom. Fifteen years old and I suddenly had to figure out how to not only grow up and face the world all on my own, but I had to help Savannah, too. And you know what? It fucked me up. It made me wonder what was so wrong with me that my own mother couldn’t stand to raise me. It made me scared to get close to women, wondering if they were going to leave me too. It broke my trust and made me cynical.

“And I’ve let this shit sit inside of me for too damn long. I let myself grow bitter and cynical and jaded, all before I turned 30. And I just needed to talk to you, to actually talk to you. Not gloss over our family’s messy past because that’s easier, but actually let you know what I thought, because otherwise this resentment is just going to keep growing and growing.”

Drake took a deep breath, trying to gain some semblance of control over this situation. He hadn’t meant to just dump years worth of pain onto his mother on the drive to the ranch, but in some ways, it was probably best that he had just kept talking. He didn’t exactly give himself a chance to back down or close himself off.

His mother wasn’t saying anything, just sitting there with her hands covering her eyes. Drake opened the glove box and found her some tissues, passing the packet to her. She grabbed them, swiping under both of her eyes before she spoke.

“Well, if you’ve said what you needed to say, I can drive you back to the airport. No reason for you to even stay tonight, it sounds like.”

“That isn’t everything I need to say, Mom. I didn’t fly out here just to hurt you. I just… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life. About what I want. About how to let myself be happy. And I think I realized that I need to move forward in a lot of areas. I’ve been stuck in a rut for a very long time, and it’s time to let myself change. So, I need to stop letting my past define my relationships. I need to stop letting my fear of abandonment drive my actions. And that means I need to make some changes to my relationship with you.”

“What kind of changes?” his mother asked, still sniffling slightly.

Drake shrugged, trying to gauge how to phrase it, “I don’t know yet. I mean, I know I just told you how much pain you’ve caused me, but I still love you, Mom. I just… if we decide we want to be a part of each other’s lives, I can’t keep doing it like this, getting one phone call from you a year on my birthday. I can’t have my mom acting like a distant great aunt or something.”

She shook her head, “I didn’t call because I felt so guilty. Talking to you was just a reminder of my failures as a mother. I assumed you saw it the same way and wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to put pressure on you.”

“Well, you’re right. A handful of phone calls aren’t going to erase the past or anything. But I don’t know how things here get any better if we both just keep doing what we’re doing.”

“I want to be a part of your life, Drake,” she insisted, reaching over and grabbing his hand, “I really do want to know you and Savannah as adults.”

“This has to go both ways, then. A two way street, okay?”

His mother nodded emphatically, “You’re right. I’ll book a flight out to Cordonia soon, okay?”

“About that…” Drake said, “I, uh… I kind of moved.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Er, I sort of live in New York City now.”

“Maybe I’m just missing something here, but how do you ‘sort of’ live anywhere?”

Drake sighed. Apparently, he was going to have to get into this, at least a bit. “Well, I kind of met someone, and I moved to New York to be with her, but things are kind of rocky between us at the moment and the move is pretty recent. I’m not exactly sure it’s gonna stick.”

 She nodded slowly, staring off to the side as if she was searching for more information to make better sense of Drake’s ramblings. “So might you be heading back to Cordonia soon?”

Drake just shook his head, “Nah, not right away at least. Like I said, I gotta make some changes in my life. I don’t know that I’ll stay in New York if things don’t work out there, but I probably won’t head straight back to Cordonia. Too easy to slide back into my old habits there.”

“New York’s your first choice, though?”

“I mean, she’s my first choice, and she’s in New York, so yeah,” he replied with a shrug.

“Okay.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

His mother gave him a watery smile, “It sounds like you’re working through some things right now. Believe it or not, I very much get that feeling. Given everything you’ve told me today, I think I’m mainly just glad you even shared that much with me.”

He let her words sink in for a little bit. He couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like a peace offering. Like his mother was trying to express interest in whatever part of himself he was willing to share at this point. He wasn’t naive enough to think that suddenly he would have the world’s most loving, attentive mother after today. He knew there was a high probability that they would end up drifting apart going forward. But that was okay. At least he’d put himself out there, shared his fears knowing full well that it might not make anything better. He’d held onto those fears, kept them far too buried for way too long.

“Well… I will let you know where I end up, okay?”

“I’d like that. Now, how about we get heading back to the ranch? I’ve got some chili in the slow cooker for you.”

“That sounds nice, Mom. Are you okay to drive?” he asked, gesturing to her red eyes and tear streaked cheeks. She just smiled and nodded, turning the key in the ignition and pulling the truck back onto the road.

“Oh, Leona’s head is going to explode when she hears you’re moving to one of the biggest cities on the planet,” she said after a few minutes of driving, the thought clearly just popping into her head. Drake laughed, picturing his surly aunt’s reaction. It was the first time he could remember laughing with his mother since before his father died. And while he knew their relationship was still an absolute mess, well at least there was one more good moment between the two of them now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Madeleine rolled her shoulders back and took a steadying breath before knocking on the door to Liam’s office. She just had a terrible feeling about this meeting he’d requested with her. The only topic she could envision him wanting to discuss with her was their wedding, and the tone he’d used did not imply a routine planning discussion.

She wasn’t an idiot. She knew she wasn’t his first choice as a wife. She probably wasn’t even his second choice if the amount of time he was spending with Olivia was any indication of who he actually liked to involve in his life. But she’d tried to be there for him. She’d learned from Leo that forcing things with Constantine’s sons got you nowhere. She’d let him carry on with Riley Liu. She’d been at his side through all the terrorist attacks and his father’s death, through calls for abdication and threats on both of their lives. For God’s sake, she’d taken a bullet for him. She’d hoped she’d be able to prove her worth as a political ally. But if the sinking feeling she’d had in her stomach was any indication, all she had done had not been enough.

“Come in,” Liam called out, his voice muffled by the door. She strode through with poise and purpose. She was not going down as some timid waif of a woman. She would face him with dignity.

Liam was not at his desk, but instead on one of the couches. They had never had a meeting that wasn’t at his desk, and the change in the setting unnerved Madeleine. But she wasn’t going to let him see that, not now. “Good evening, Liam,” she said, careful to keep her voice even and steady.

“Good evening, Madeleine. Please, have a seat,” he said, gesturing to the opposite couch. She walked over and delicately sat down, crossing her ankles as she did so. She knew how to comport herself, not that such behavior was going to get her anywhere.

“Would you like something to drink?” Liam asked, running his index finger along the top of his own glass of whiskey.

“That depends, Liam. Am I going to need something to drink?”

He paused for just a moment, “I would venture to say yes.”

Madeleine nodded tersely, trying to take deep breaths without being too obvious. It was one thing to suspect your engagement was getting called off, it was another to have it confirmed. She had already been through this once before, but it still stung. “Vodka,” she said after a moment, after she was sure her voice wouldn’t crack.

Liam stood and walked over to a sideboard, crouching down and pulling out a bottle of Belvedere. “Any mixers or ice?”

“No, thank you,” she replied, accepting the liquor with a nod as Liam handed it to her before returning to his seat.

“Shall we get this over with?” Madeleine asked.

“Madeleine, please. I at least want to discuss this with you.”

“What’s to discuss, Liam? I don’t see the point in dragging this out. I’ve been through this before, remember?”

“I would like to talk this through at least. I want you to understand where I’m coming from.”

Madeleine let out a little laugh, “I don’t particularly need to understand your reasons, Liam. Quite frankly, you purging your soul and looking for absolution is not going to make me feel better. It’s just selfish.”

He actually smiled slightly at that comment, just for a brief second, before he let his calm, diplomatic expression return to his face. It infuriated her all the more, that her pain and frustration was apparently a source of amusement for him.

“It’s interesting that you would use that phrasing,” he said after a moment, staring at the whiskey in his glass. “Madeleine, I just have to ask, why do you even want to marry me?” He turned his eyes up to meet hers at the end of his question, almost as if he thought he was about to witness some moment of revelation. It was insulting, quite frankly.

“No. You do not get to twist my words to make me sound like a crown chaser. I have been preparing to be queen my entire life. I am qualified in every way for this job. You would never fault a man for going after his professional dreams.”

Liam tilted his head back and forth, looking at her intently, “I might if he pursued them at the expense of all other realms of his life. Madeleine, do you really think being queen would bring you enough happiness to compensate for the extreme misery it would bring you in your personal life?”

Madeleine shook her head, letting out a frustrated snort. Everyone saw the ways that Leo and Liam were different, but right now, they’d never seemed more similar to her. They both had wanted her to be the one to end things. Leo had just ghosted her repeatedly, and when he did come around, there was always a new woman to throw in her face. Liam at least was more subtle, clearly trying to convince her that this was her idea. It was still infuriating in its own right, though.

“Liam, if you aren’t going to marry me, at least have the courage to call off our engagement yourself. You don’t get to dump me and have me do all the work for you.”

“Madeleine, this isn’t a decision I made lightly or on a whim. All I am trying to do is minimize the pain and discomfort here for all parties involved.”

“Well, that’s just too bad, Liam. You don’t get to break up with someone without hurting them.”

He sighed heavily, “Fair enough. I just hoped you might be able to see the positive aspects here. That you might be able to find a silver lining.”

“How could having my dreams ripped from me yet again be a positive, Liam? Explain that one to me, please,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Well, you won’t be trapped in a loveless marriage and forced to raise children with a man you’re indifferent to at best,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders slightly, “That seems like it could be worth something.”

“Liam, be realistic. I will never marry for love. Any marriage for me will be a political one. You at least would have been a tolerable husband.”

“Why can’t you marry for love?”

“Be serious.”

“I am. I don’t see why you act like this is some impossibility.”

She just shook her head, “How are you still such a romantic? The woman you love chose your best friend over you.”

Liam raised his eyebrows at that comment, “Careful, Madeleine. There is little reason for either of us to resort to petty personal attacks here. But suffice it to say, that while Riley’s rejection was painful, it did not change my belief that there is love to be found out there, and I mean love for all of us.”

“Well, that’s not been my experience. And quite frankly, I don’t see how it’s been yours either.”

“Just because I am not currently in a loving relationship doesn’t mean that I don’t see a world full of potential for love and connection.”

She shook her head and let out a short little breath, “For a highly educated king, you are so naive. Nearly foolish.”

“And you have a very stubborn and narrow worldview. If someone hasn’t found love in the world, that’s either because they are blind to it or they reject it anytime it’s offered and push it away before it has a chance to grow. I think we both know in your case it’s the latter.”

“Awful presumptuous of you, assuming that anyone has even been open to loving me.”

Liam stared straight at her, the disbelief evident in his eyes, “Do Penelope and Kiara not count?”

“What? They aren’t attracted to women,” Madeleine retorted, waving her hand dismissively.

His eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up at that, “I can’t speak to their sexual orientation, nor was I trying to, Madeleine. Love can be platonic, you know. You might have found that with Kiara or Penelope if you hadn’t berated them at every opportunity. Instead, they both chose to return to their homes. Or Hana, who has never been anything but kind and compassionate, could have been a true friend to you just as she has to so many others. Gentle Hana, who decided she couldn’t live under the same roof as you, would have been your friend if you hadn’t constantly cut her down and aimed to hurt her.

“I know your parents were never some source of unconditional familial love. Believe me, Madeleine, I can comprehend that. But it is your choice to continue to be harsh and compassionless with all your peers. If you can’t see that, I don’t know what to tell you.

“I am sorry that you have to go through a failed engagement for a second time, Madeleine. I truly am. But that isn’t enough of a reason to marry you. And I honestly believe this is the best chance at happiness for the both of us.”

“No, Liam. It’s the best chance at happiness for you. At least own that fact.”

After a few seconds of silence, Liam finally spoke, “You’re right, this is something I am doing for myself. But I hope that someday you’ll see that this opens up the potential for you to find something better as well.”

“Why now?” Madeleine asked, tapping her fingers against her untouched glass of vodka, “Why lead me on for months?”

“I probably never should have gotten engaged to you in the first place. I did so in a moment of desperation where I saw no other options for either of us. If you want to hold something against me, that is what it should be. But I am not going to let that lapse in judgement determine the course of the rest of my life. I do not want to be a bitter king who only has a family out of obligation. I want children that are born into a home of love and warmth. I may sacrifice many things for Cordonia, but I’ve decided this is one liberty I’m going to take for myself.

“Now, as far as the more practical matters go, if you want to be the one to announce the end of our engagement, I will happily grant you that opportunity. You can prepare a statement; I would just ask you send it to Stefan for review before you go to the press, but I understand if you prefer to release a statement independently. I can also send you to my private island for a while if you’d like to avoid the press or your parents. I want to allow you time to collect yourself away from external pressures if you desire. Just let me know by this weekend, alright?”

“So that’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

“Yes, Madeleine. I honestly think we’re done here. Don’t you?”

“Of course, Your Majesty,” she said as she rose, downing her entire glass of vodka in one, then striding to the door. Once she was on the other side of the door, she pinched her eyes closed, fighting off waves of self-loathing and despair at her repeated failure. It was like Leo all over again, but this time, there was no back up plan. She was left entirely directionless, and now she had to figure out what she was supposed to do with her life now that the only thing she’d been raised to do was no longer possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The trials on Friday had run straight through to the end of the business day, and after all his late night case review, preparing for the press, Liam was exhausted. He was planning to head straight from the courthouse to his private quarters for a few hours of needed decompression, but as he answered a few questions from the press, he noticed Olivia standing over by the town car that was waiting for him, talking with his driver.

“Lady Olivia,” he said in greeting, nodding at her politely as he walked over after the press dispersed.

“Your Majesty. I was hoping to run into you. Are you headed back to the palace?”

“That was the plan.”

“May I join you for a bit? I was hoping to discuss if there were any more findings in regards to Anton’s spouse.”

Liam nodded. He did need to talk to Olivia about the investigation that he and Bastien had been privately conducting there. “Of course. Would you like a ride?” he asked, gesturing to his car.

Olivia shook her head, “My car and driver are just around the corner. I’ll meet you there. Do you need me to bring by some cookie dough and wine spritzers?”

Liam shook his head and chuckled. He should have known that Olivia would know that he called off his engagement, even though neither he nor Madeleine had released an official statement yet. “I think I’ll be fine, thanks.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, the glint in her eyes in direct contrast with her overly concerned tone, “Breakups can be tough.”

“Don’t gloat, Olivia,” Liam chided. He wasn’t really upset, but Olivia didn’t need to be so pleased that he and Madeleine were no longer engaged.

“I’m just happy that you aren’t stuck in a miserable political marriage.”

“And…”

“And if Madeleine won’t become queen because of it, all the better.”

Liam couldn’t help but let out a little laugh. It’s not that he reveled in ending things with Madeleine, but it did feel like a significant weight had been lifted from his soul. “Shall we meet in my office?”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you in a few.”

And so Liam went to his office when he returned to the palace. He’d been seated at his desk, reviewing some news sites, when Olivia was let in by Stefan about 10 minutes later.

“Sorry, I would have been here sooner, but I got stuck waiting for the royal motorcade. A real pain in the ass, I tell you.”

Liam chuckled at her statement, gesturing to the chairs in front of his desk. Olivia sank into one, leaning back and looking him in the eye before she spoke.

“Alright, what can you tell me about my supposed marriage to that traitorous vile snake?”

Liam let out a sigh, knowing there was no easy way to break this news. “What kind of wine do you want?”

“That bad, huh?” Olivia asked with a little wince.

He unlocked the middle desk drawer and pulled out the documents he’d set aside for her. “I wish I had better news. Unfortunately, the document your parents signed is legally binding.”

“Motherfuckers,” Olivia breathed out, letting her head drop to the back of her chair. “I was four, Liam. Who the hell marries off a toddler?”

“I’m very sorry, Liv. I have a private lawyer investigating how best to go about getting this annulled given all the clauses and conditions that various House Nevrakis members have put on the books over the centuries.”

“You brought in a private lawyer? Liam, I was kind of hoping-”

“He signed an NDA. However, I think it would be prudent to warn you that Anton might bring it up in trial if he decides to go scorched earth. The prosecutors would never reference it, but I have no idea what he or his lawyer are planning.”

Olivia inhaled deeply before nodding slowly. “I understand. Are you sure we can’t just torture him to keep him quiet?”

“Fairly certain that’s a violation of the UN Human Rights Council guidelines.”

“Even if I make sure it can’t get traced back to you?”

“Yes, even then, Olivia.”

“Damn,” she said with a little laugh, “So, either I release the info myself and undermine my public support in an effort to control the narrative, or I take a gamble that he won’t bring it up?”

“Unfortunately, yes. Those really are your only choices. No matter what you choose, though, you will have the Crown’s full support.”

Olivia tapped her fingernails against the desk’s surface, eyes roving over her marriage certificate. “I’ll release it Monday,” she said after a few moments, raising her head to look Liam in the eye. “It’s the opposite of what our fathers would have done, so that probably makes it the right call.”

Liam tilted his head at that, “Have your staff send Stefan your statement this weekend, and we’ll craft an official royal press release to match.”

“Thanks, Liam.”

“Of course, Olivia.”

“No, I mean it. I’m sure that you’re already being stretched thin between the trials, and I’m guessing you’re getting some pushback for calling off your engagement, so thank you for looking into this for me.”

Liam nodded. She wasn’t wrong. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since he called off his engagement, and he’d already been chided by several council members. Regina had also had some choice words for him after he blocked a meeting with Godfrey.

“How pissed are people that you aren’t getting married?”

“I think they’re more upset that they can’t technically do anything about it. The law clearly states a monarch needs to be either married or engaged to ascend the throne; it makes no reference to his or her marital state once they are the reigning monarch.”

“So, what’s your next move?”

“Nothing,” he said with a little shrug, “Like I said, they can’t really do anything about it. Thanks to you, public opinion of me is quite high at the moment, so it's not like they can apply pressure that way either.”

“Nice,” she replied, nodding and cocking an eyebrow, “What are you going to do about an heir?”

Liam just shook his head, “I’m not even 30 yet. I feel like I have some time.”

“I agree, but others won’t. You’re going to have to have a statement prepared for when they start hounding you about it.”

He paused for a second, organizing his words, “Well, then I’ll just tell them that succession laws are clear, and that I am perfectly comfortable leaving Cordonia in the hands of the woman who is next in line for the throne.”

Olivia’s eyes widened before fluttering closed. She pressed her lips together and took several slow breaths before she opened her eyes, a slight glimmer noticeable in the corners. “Thank you, Liam,” she whispered.

“It’s the truth, Olivia. You care about this country and its people. If something were, god forbid, to happen to me, I would have no qualms about you becoming queen.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. How about we just have that glass of wine?”

 Olivia just shook her head, “I wish I could, but I actually have… well, I have a date.”

Liam smiled gently, “Oh, well then it sounds like you have much better plans than me for the evening. I’ll let you get heading back to Lythikos.”

“The date’s here, actually.”

“Really?” Liam asked, his curiosity mounting by the second, “Who’s the man in question, and does he know what he’s getting himself into?”

“None of your business and of course not,” she replied, giving him a genuine smile as she stood up. “I’ll see you at the courthouse Monday?”

“Of course, Olivia. Have a wonderful evening.”

She smiled and walked out of the office, throwing up her hand in farewell as she closed the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Drake shifted in his seat. He could blame it on the cramped airline rows, but he knew it was more his nerves than anything. He was an absolute mess at this point.

For the second time in as many days, he was on a flight towards a woman he wasn’t even sure wanted to see him. But unlike when he went to see his mother, he was actually terrified of that fact. If his mother had been cold or hadn’t wanted to see him, he knew how to deal with that fact. He’d been through it before, and though he hadn’t come out without some emotional scars, he fucking got through it.

But Riley… well the thought that she might not want to talk to him shook him to his core. He honestly didn’t know what he would do if she told him to fuck off, that she needed a boyfriend who could actually handle her life or one that didn’t have a best friend with very specific emotional demands. It was honestly part of the reason he went to talk to his mother first - he was more scared of his talk with Riley. The stakes were just so much higher. He knew that made him a coward. But when he’d been booking his tickets, he just wanted one more day where he could pretend that Riley and him were going to be alright.

Part of him also knew that if Riley left him, he was likely to spiral a bit. Get drunk, self-destruct, throw himself a goddamn pity party. He knew he needed to talk with both Riley and his mother, but with how long he’d put off his conversation with his mother, he just knew he would never get around to it after a rejection from Riley. He wouldn’t have seen the point. It just had to happen first.

But now it was time to face the music with Riley. No more beating around the apple tree. She knew when his flight was landing at JFK, he’d sent her the flight details before he left Cordonia, and she’d texted back “okay.” Drake didn’t know if that meant she would be there or not.

If she wasn’t there, Drake wasn’t sure what his plan was. He was pretty sure she would be off this weekend, but just barging into her apartment felt presumptuous, even if he did still have a set of keys. Maybe he would just call her? See if she wanted to meet him somewhere?

But when he exited the plane and made his way towards baggage claim, he saw her there, standing off to the side, her arms crossed over her chest. He started walking toward her, his legs suddenly feeling heavy as lead. At some point, she caught sight of him, but she made no move toward him, just offering up a little nod. He raised his hand and waved, feeling like a giant dork in the process, but he didn’t know what else to do. And he made it those last painful meters, he tried to figure out what to say. But then he was in front of her and all he could do was stare at her. She was so beautiful, and nothing he could say felt like it would be enough.

Riley wasn’t saying anything either, and neither one of them made a move to touch each other. The tension was nearly palpable, and all Drake knew was that he had to break it somehow.

“Hey, Liu,” he choked out.

“Hi, Drake.”

Permatag: @speedyoperarascalparty​​ @mfackenthal​​  @lilyofchoices​​  @thequeenofcronuts​​  @jamesashtonisbae​​

The Royal Romance/The Royal Heir: @kingliam2019​​   @sirbeepsalot​​  @texaskitten30​​   @princessleac1​​  @ladyangel70​​  @dcbbw​​  @yaushie​​ @octobereighth​​

Drake x MC only:  @jovialyouthmusic  @iplaydrake  @gibbles82  @drakewalkerisreal  @riley--walker​ @notoriouscs​  @butindeed​  @addictedtodrakefanfic​  

It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment: @wickedgypsymoon  @thesumofmychoices​​  @cosigottahavefaith​​   @thequeenchoices​​  @katedrakeohd​​  @feartheendlesssummer​​  @ao719​​  @ooo-barff-ooo​​   @sunnyxdazed​​

[jiminisnotavirgin]

Sweeter than Peaches

Pairing: Kim Taehyung | Reader

Genre: Smut, Slight Angst

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: pregnancy sex, lactation kink, fingering, penetrative sex, domestic ROMANTIC au, married couple and all that cute shit tbh

Note: Heavily inspired by stories by @dovechim and @hobiwonder, thanks to y’all for exposing me to my FAVORITE kind of smut. Please check them out if you haven’t yet! Classes just ended for me for the semester and I managed to get this together. I hope you enjoy it (I’m almost tempted to write another part about this couple) but lemme know what you think! I really value what each and every one of you has to say about my works! Thanks again for being patient and sticking it out till I released this fic :) love y’all. ALSO, the pic is NOT mine.

     The sweet scent of fresh peaches drifts into your bedroom window from the fruit garden outside. The summer air blows in small uneven gusts, tangling itself in the strands of Taehyung’s brown curls. The curtains along the window frame spin and twist in an endless tango with the breeze.      He lazily slings his arm across the sheets, expecting the warmth of your waist. His eyelids flutter from the depths of sleep when he’s met with your cold, empty side of the bed instead. His sleepy state makes him more vulnerable to the emotions running through his mind, amplifying his confusion because you’re nowhere to be found.      As he tries to make sense of your absence, he finds his answer in the sliver of light spilling into your shared bedroom from the bathroom across the hall. He doesn’t call your name, opting instead to watch silently as you flutter around the room. Your husband’s endearing eyes remain focused on you—the love of his life and like always, you are oblivious to his gaze. At times, he believes he couldn’t possibly love you any more than he already does but you always find a way to prove him wrong. It is very ordinary moments like these that truly take his breath away.      Your long eyelashes graze the tops of your cheeks as you brush your teeth and stare into the running faucet. Taehyung’s eyes drift lower and lower to your lusciously curvy body, supple breasts, and round stomach which steadily grows with the weight of his child inside. Your pregnancy has brought on more than a few changes and Taehyung’s hunger for you is more urgent than water for a man in the blazing heat of a desert. It takes all the control he has not to kiss you and your stomach all the damn time.      The doctor insisted that an increased sex drive is common in pregnant women and sexual activities are encouraged but you haven’t displayed much of an interest in intimacy, at least to him. He doesn’t know the real reason why you haven’t brought it up despite your growing and constant state of arousal. As you sit on the toilet and pee for what feels like twenty minutes, you’re reminded of exactly why you’ve remained silent on the matter. From this angle, you’ve got a crystal clear view of your puffy, swollen feet. Not even a pedicure could save them now. They were so pretty before.      You know your insecurities are ridiculous and superficial but that doesn’t change the fact that these thoughts resurface on the forefront of your mind like a wrecking ball when you feel happiest. With each passing day, your confidence dwindles. You’ve already spent seven months with the angel in your stomach and you’re grateful for that time but still, you don’t feel confident and it isn’t because you’ve gained weight—it’s because you don’t recognize the woman looking back at you in the mirror with her flushed cheeks, baggy t-shirt, and messy bun.      On top of it all, concealing these feelings from Taehyung is extremely difficult since you confide in him about almost everything. This is the one thing you’re too embarrassed to reveal and honestly, it’s more about your own fears coming to life than his.      “Jagi, come back to bed,” Taehyung’s voice is faint from the bedroom, low and groggy from sleep. “I miss you.”      Flipping off the light switch in the bathroom, you tiptoe into the bedroom and settle into the cool sheets beside Taehyung. Taehyung’s head is already perched on his hand, his body angled towards yours as he rests on his side. “Duty calls?”      “You know it. Like sixty times a night,” you answer with a dry laugh while digging through the top drawer of your nightstand for a pair of fuzzy socks.      “It’s your fault for drinking orange juice like the world’s gonna end tomorrow.”      “Shh, you know I can’t help it.”      “Maybe the baby’s gotta pee, too.” He places the palm of his large hand on the side of your stomach, leaning forward to press his lips on your neck. You tilt your head up, allowing him easier access. Breathing in the scent of your natural aroma, Taehyung lightly drags the tip of his nose over your skin. “Why do you always smell so damn good, hmm?”      “Mr. Kim, it is two—“ you pause to take a glance at the clock on your nightstand before continuing, “—thirty. Two-thirty in the morning. Are you seriously trying to seduce me right now?”      “Of course I am, Mrs. Kim,” he hums, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear with his index finger. “I’ve been trying to seduce you for weeks—months—but I think my charms have worn off.”      “What are you talking about?”      “I mean you’ve barely even kissed me since baby Peaches joined us. Did I do something wrong?”      His playful expression shifts, revealing the concern lingering in his heart. His brown irises dart back and forth between your shoulder and face as he tries to gauge your reaction. Even in the dark of the night, the tiny moles decorating his face stand out like a stream of stars connected as a constellation. You long to kiss each one, eager for a taste of the stardust that comes with Taehyung’s pure soul.      His question echoes in your head. ‘Did I do something wrong?’      Of course not. It isn’t him—it’s you, truly. You’ve allowed your own insecurities to intrude on your relationship and now he’s suffering the brunt of it. He’s perfect. Not literally perfect but close enough to have snatched your stubborn heart in a matter of days when you first met. If you haven’t treated him that way lately, now’s the time to show him.      “Come here, you,” you whisper, closing your eyes and allowing your lips to lead the way to Taehyung. His plump lips greet you gladly, molding against yours with subtle yet hungry determination. His tongue glides over your bottom lips and nudges into your mouth with a light tug. His lips are comforting. Home. And you’ve been gone for too long. You pull back, fiddling with the collar of his shirt before teasing at the warm skin of his chest with your fingertips. “I’m sorry.”      “For what?” A haze of desire still glazes over his eyes but his hand halts its ministrations over your thigh. “For what, jagi?”      “I haven’t been myself. Hell, I don’t know who I’ve been lately but I promise, it has nothing to do with you, Tae. I’m sorry for being so confusing, I just feel so overwhelmed with my job and the baby coming soon and my body, I can’t seem to figure—“      “Your body? Jagi, where is all this coming from?” he interrupts, worry occupying his handsome features. You hike the sheet over both of your bodies, hoping to cushion the intensity of your previous statements. You know better, though. Taehyung won’t let a comment like that slide without investigating and although you’re supportive of his logical side that solves problems through discussion, you’re still so ashamed for having these feelings in the first place. Talking about them will only make them more real.      “It’s nothing,” you sigh. “Really.”      “Talk to me.”      “I just don’t look like myself so I don’t feel like myself.”      “But this is you,” he speaks softly, choosing his words carefully. “It’s another side of you, sure, but it’s still you and it’s not a bad thing because change is good. Change is growth.”      “I know.” Your response is quiet as you begin to get lost in your own thoughts. “I’m just afraid. You know how I feel about change, it scares the shit out of me. Every day I get closer to having this baby and every day we get closer to our lives changing forever. I… I want things to go right.”      “I’m scared too, you know,” he murmurs. “But everything’s going to be great and it’s been great so far. The same way you took a chance on me, we’re taking this chance together. We’re gonna raise this baby and guide them through this crazy life together and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather do that with than you. I love you, jagi, you’re not alone and you never will be.”      The pressure of his lips against yours is featherlight, devoid of sexual lust but oozing pure love and affection. His words are so soft and sweet, warming you up from the inside. Taehyung sighs as your sleepy face floods with relief. Sometimes, all you want is someone to hold you and tell you that everything’s going to be okay and Taehyung understands that more than anyone.      “I love you,” you breathe. Taehyung’s hand rests over your hip as you sit up and fluff your pillow, desperate to feel his strong arms around you. You nestle against his chest, curling to mold against his body. His hand falls neatly in the valley below your breasts and above your stomach but his fingertips begin to draw tiny patterns over the bare skin of your chest, where the loose collar of your t-shirt hangs over.      He peppers tiny kisses on your shoulder blades, allowing his hand to sink underneath the fabric of your shirt and roam across the expanse of your chest. He’s tempted to tweak your round, perky nipples that stand tall against the incoming breeze, however, he proceeds to cup as much of your swollen, milk-engorged breast in his hand as he can. A tiny moan flies from your lips as he squeezes, following the speed of your shallow, eager breaths. Milk begins to soak through the fabric, creating two very obvious damp spots on your shirt. Once the surface of his fingers are soaked with the sweet liquid flowing from your breasts, he brings his hand to his nose and inhales before letting out a low groan.

     “This shirt’s gotta go,” he insists, gently lifting the hem with a light tug. You toss it to the side and sit up, keeping your legs spread to provide space for Taehyung.

     “Could you…” you begin, too shy to finish the rest of your request. It’s something you haven’t asked of him yet.

     “Say it. I want to hear you say it.” His locked gaze has already answered the question and his eyes reveal nothing but desperation to taste you. You can’t deny that this has secretly been one of your desires since you began lactating. The thought of Taehyung’s tongue as well as him greedily sucking your juices stirs up many, many feelings inside.      “Suck.”      Burning desire shoots straight to his cock but he manages to utter a quiet, “Say no more,” before lunging at your chest with a mischievous smile.      The feeling is light at first. Euphoric. He teases you with his tongue, poking at the center of the tender bud with delicate taps before fully latching on. Weaving your hands into his locks, you urge him forward with a few gentle pulls. He whimpers as the sugary liquid flows into his mouth, unprepared for the burst of flavor gracing his mouth. Your head falls back as goosebumps begin to cover your entire body. His mouth triggers a wave of heat and tingly sensations you haven’t felt in a while and suddenly, your core is seeking any form of friction against Taehyung.      “So sweet.” He pushes your panties to the side, groaning when his fingers are met with the arousal of your desire for him. “So wet for me, Jagi, what if I—“ he slips the tip of his index fingers into your clenching entrance, grinning as your breath hitches in your throat, “—Shit. I fucked a baby into you—how are you so tight, jagi?”      “Put them in, Tae,” you beg. “Stop teasing me, I’m gonna lose it—“ Without warning, he thrusts two fingers inside until your heat sucks them up with one push. You bite your bottom lip as he pulls out, only to go back in with three fingers. You squirm with the pressure but welcome each twist of his digits as you find yourself grinding against his hand. Each of his thrusts increases the pleasure reaching your limbs and just when you think you’re close enough to reach the moment, he pulls out and slathers his tongue over his hand before stripping himself of his pants.      “God, you’re gonna kill me. Sit on my cock.” Sweat glistens over his forehead, reflecting the pale streetlights guarding the roads outside. He lays down beside you, smiling as you straddle him, clutching onto your round stomach to balance your weight.      “Baby Peaches was kicking before,” you admit breathlessly, settling yourself over his legs. Over time, you finally grew to love the strange nickname Taehyung used for your baby.      “Wait, what?” he asked seriously, squinting in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me? C’mon, jagi, I miss it every damn time.”      You smile and wipe the dampness off his forehead. “There are more important things at hand.” His hard, long cock lays flat over his pelvis, red and twitching with the desire to be touched. Rubbing yourself over his length, you grind forward and backward, creating a rhythm that prepares you for when he’s inside. His panting grows more sporadic, stomach clenching with the urge to plunge into your sopping wet heat each time you get close to the head of his length.      Rather than riding him the way you used to, you lean your weight backward, grabbing onto his thighs for extra support. Your extended stomach rises and falls with your own desperate breaths before you finally sink onto the bulbous head of his slick cock. Although he took the time to warm you up beforehand, the burning stretch of his cock against your soft inside still manages to catch you off guard every time. As you slide in and out, every ridge, vein, and crevice of his length presses against your hot walls, coating his hard cock in your nectar.      “Harder, Tae.”      “Not too hard,” he warns. “Remember what the doctor—“      “I’m not gonna break, Tae, come on! I’m so close to cumming.”      “Alright, jagi,” he decides, willing to go only a smidge deeper. He refuses to risk it when it comes to baby Peaches. He shifts gears, thrusting up into you as you lower yourself onto him. He hits that soft, spongy spot deep inside you and just when you think that’s enough, his thumb pokes at your clit, rolling in smooth spirals until heat pools in your pelvis.      “Oh, god, keep going.”      Taehyung’s moaning too now, his peak approaching with each of your clenches around his dick. The squelching sounds of his skin slapping against yours echo across your bedroom, mixed in with the melody of your deep breaths blended into one. He thrusts into you until he easily slides in and out, picking up the pace as your whimpering increases.      “Touch my clit again,” you ask, too focused on chasing your high to open your eyes. Taehyung stares at you and joy floods through his bones. Your long brown locks, red cheeks, and large breasts bounce with each lift and fall. He loves seeing you crumble with pleasure. He rubs the pad of his finger against your swollen bud until your entrance clenches uncontrollably around him, milking him of all the come he can hold.      “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he sputters, watching as your wet cunt swallows his dick and releases it, only to pull it back in again.      “Cum on my stomach,” you groan, too dizzy to look at anything but Taehyung in his cloud of physical ecstasy.      “Wh-What?”      “Do it.” He gets on his knees and strokes the last bit of himself on your stomach, painting the round surface in messy strings of white. You lay back, accepting the fuzzy warmth flowing through your blood and brain. It’s hazy and you know Taehyung’s feeling the same thing but he kisses you, relieved to feel your touch on his skin once again.      A small smile makes its way to your face. “I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before.”      “Don’t apologize. I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything, jagi—anything. It’s okay if you’re confused or angry or upset. You don’t have to feel one hundred percent all the time—no one does, you know?”      “Except baby Peaches. Always kicking all the freaking time.” He groans and smacks his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Don’t remind me because I always fucking miss it!”

[nomolosk]

Adrien challenges the status quo

King Hawkmoth sat on his throne, imperturbable as always. Prince Adrien didn’t let it bother him, though. His father had been this way almost since he could remember, and his isolation training had taught him to adopt any outward expression with ease. Of course, controlling his inner emotions was still a battle sometimes, but at twenty years of age, he knew it would not be getting better. It was time- more than time, really- for him to assume his rightful place as the holder of the black cat miraculous.

“You asked to speak with me, Prince Adrien,” King Hawkmoth said, his tone conveying a certain level of annoyance, but again, Adrien did not rise to the bait. His father had gained a new advisor some years back, and thereafter anyone who wished to see the King had to arrange it through Madame Sancour. It had not escaped Adrien’s notice that her name literally meant ‘Lady Heartless,’ but he supposed it was par for the course where his father’s court was concerned.

“Yes, father, I did,” he said now, forgoing the more formal address. This was a family matter, after all, and his use of informality should signal that. Indeed, King Hawkmoth shifted slightly in his seat before stilling again.

“I came to discuss the matter of the black cat miraculous,” he said, coming straight to the point. He kept any hint of accusation or impatience out of his tone, though. He knew this audience was as much a test as a conversation. In all honesty, every audience with his father ended up being a test of some kind.

“Speak then.”

Hawkmoth’s tone was not encouraging, but Adrien pressed ahead with what he wanted- needed- to say. 

“I am a full knight of the realm now, as well as your son, and it has been years since I received any criticisms from you on my emotional control. Yet you have not granted me the miraculous you promised me years ago. Now, I am willing to continue waiting if there is some specific event you are waiting for, or if there is some scheme you have in motion that will provide for the best time to introduce the black cat to our enemies, but… frankly, patience is only a virtue if there is an end to waiting in sight. Nor do I believe keeping up with the isolation training at all beneficial anymore. That training has taught me all it is likely to in the twelve years I have adhered to it.”

Adrien knew his tone was growing confrontational, and paused to take a measured breath. Hawkmoth’s expression hadn’t changed by so much as a twitch.

“In short, father, if the time is not yet right to grant me my miraculous permanently, I believe I should at least begin to train with it. An untested wielder with such a powerful miraculous could prove a significant liability in the heat of battle, after all, and if you still worry about my emotional control, this would be the best way to test it.”

Adrien stopped, waiting for his father’s response. Outwardly, he remained impassive, but inwardly he was hoping against hope that his father would agree at least to his training with the miraculous. Having watched Carapace learning the ins and outs of his miraculous, Adrien knew that it could take some time to become truly comfortable with having the enhancements a miraculous granted, and every weapon was specific to each miraculous. There was no real way to train for a specific miraculous weapon in all it’s respects with non-miraculous counterparts.

King Hawkmoth remained silent a moment longer before saying, “I am not entirely convinced that this… outburst, doesn’t come from an emotional overreaction on your part, Adrien.”

“Hardly an outburst, father,” Adrien said, still maintaining his impassivity. It wasn’t like he hadn’t expected this response. The King had always resisted discussing when Adrien would receive the miraculous promised him in his youth. And in the years before, Adrien could admit that his occasional requests had indeed come from a place of impatience. It had been hard indeed to watch all his noble peers form relationships with each other, even marrying and becoming independent from their parents, while he was denied those same experiences in the name of solidifying his control over his emotions.

“Yet you do not deny the emotional aspect of this demand,” Hawkmoth countered, and Adrien forced back a grimace before it could do more than make his mouth twitch.

“I am not a sentimonster, father,” he said firmly. “Emotions are both the bane and the gift of humanity, as well you should know. Without them, it would be impossible for you to imbue your Champions, after all. I am, however, in control of my emotional reactions. I admit, I am beginning to chafe at the restrictions I am still subject to. As I said before, I am not a child any longer, and my knighting signaled my entrance into manhood to the whole kingdom. I am not asking for you to grant me the miraculous if there is truly a reason not to, but I do think training with it can only benefit the kingdom.” Adrien paused for a moment before adding, “Regardless of your decision on this matter, I will no longer be isolating myself from my peers to the extent I have before. There is no more benefit to such a course. In fact, I believe it can only harm the court and the kingdom for me to continue to do so. I am your Heir, and yet the nobles know almost nothing about me. How can they have any confidence in my fitness to rule?”

Hawkmoth’s eyes narrowed further, and he shifted again. Adrien took absent note of it, but at the moment he was too focused on gaining his objective to think of the ramifications. 

“Our court and kingdom need the strength of mind borne of confidence in their rulers, father, surely you can see that. Of course I know it will be many, many years before I take the throne, but confidence in the succession will allow the nobles to concentrate on supporting you and your objectives rather than fighting among themselves for a chance at the crown. We have been at war with our neighbors for so long father… the last thing we need is infighting here at home.”

King Hawkmoth put up more objections, but they seemed flimsy to Adrien- less a test, and more an attempt to delay the inevitable, which he pointed out toward the end of the audience. In the end, his father allowed him to begin training with the miraculous at the very least. Yet he did not give it to him immediately, promising instead to meet him for a training session the next day. Adrien left feeling that he had accomplished very nearly all of what he had had in mind.

----

King Hawkmoth watched his son leave, waiting until he had left before rising himself and exiting through the private- and always heavily guarded- door behind the dias. Madame Sancoeur bowed as he came through, then fell into step just behind him without saying anything. It was only once they reached his personal office that she dropped the formality they maintained in public.

“He did make good points, sire,” she said wryly. And since Hawkmoth could sense her emotions through the brooch of his miraculous, he knew she knew how much it went against the grain for him to give up this control over his son. Yet, she was right. And Adrien had been right, too… damn him.

“Yes, he did,” Hawkmoth replied, his tone as wry as hers had been. “I could wish he had not found the courage to make them, though. It has been so very useful to my rule to have the succession only vaguely settled on him. And I can’t very well grant him such a powerful miraculous without solidifying my trust in him in the minds of the court and kingdom.”

Madame Sancoeur made a sound of dubious agreement. “Perhaps,” she said. “But perhaps your display of trust will only serve to make them more nervous, sire.”

Hawkmoth stiffened and turned toward her. “What do you mean? Surely the granting of a miraculous can only banish any doubts?”

“In normal cases, yes, I believe it would. However this is a matter of grave import. Adrien will one day be their King, and they know next to nothing about him. Seeing him at dinner and interacting only superficially at scattered entertainments has not made them at all confident in his abilities. Add in the vague doubts you have yourself expressed when it has been… expedient to do so, and you have a situation where granting him such a powerful miraculous can only make them doubt his fitness to wield it. They will not trust him fully until they know him better and he has had time to prove himself.”

She raised an eyebrow at him, and Hawkmoth allowed himself a small smile. “Truly, it was a fortuitous day when I made you my chief advisor, Madame Sancoeur. Of course, I had not considered the situation in that light.” He turned to the window, contemplating the private garden where the statue of his beautiful Emilie sat in repose amongst the roses. He ruminated on the possibilities, his smile growing wider as ideas began to emerge.

“Yes, I think you are right. I will allow him to train in strict secrecy for a time- perhaps a week or two. It would not do to have him be more comfortable and confident in his mastery. Then I will have a public ceremony where I grant him the miraculous, and then… then I will send him off to war. That will both allay any extreme fears of how he may act, and prevent the nobles from getting to know him better. He cannot begin making his own alliances if he is not here to do so. Of course, I will have to make sure he is not granted much opportunity to make alliances among the nobles currently serving in the army, but that won’t be hard to arrange. All it will take will be one dubious use of the cataclysm, and they will shy away from any attempts on his part to make friends. In fact, I believe I should encourage him to use it as often as possible. Let him be seen as a power-mad monster- useful on the battlefield, but not to be trusted in any other setting.”

Hawkmoth nodded to himself. He had long grown used to thinking of Adrien as a pawn, completely under his control and not worth much thought. It was true that this had begun as an attempt to bring Emilie out of her magical sleep, but it had long since ceased to be solely about that. Conquest was… very addictive. And the collection of miraculouses at his disposal gave him a sense of invulnerability. At this point, he was sure he could conquer all of Europe in time.

The last thing he needed now was for his son to wake up to the situation. He was too much like his mother, and though Hawkmoth told himself that Emilie would appreciate waking up one day to find herself an Empress rather than a Queen, he knew deep down that she would not have supported his quest to unite all the miraculouses under his own control. He soothed what was left of his conscience with the thought that once it was done, there would be nothing for her to object to, and that Adrien would enjoy being an Emperor… eventually… and left it at that.

[theisolationdiaries]

A Call from the Universe

.

In a society of woven fabric, where lives are sewn together - constantly intermingling and merging in varying degrees and patterns, colours and shapes, I am a lone piece of floating thread that has naturally detached from the makings of its own design, hanging delicately by its fragile corners.

I have been destined to this fate as I have been born into an abstract pattern that appears only in empty spaces - a family of introverts who weave themselves, not by others hands, but in wrappings of their own individual silk cocoons. Because here, we find a home within ourselves. 

Almost by the laws bound by nature, we spin a protective layer around us to keep us from external forces. Like silkworms, we turn inwards into this isolated nest for our own metamorphosis, unchanged by others. Because as easy as a gentle breeze that sweeps through a canopy of trees, going about its own way - quietly detached from its surroundings but somehow still part of it all, choosing our own company has always been like second nature. Self-reliance, our dominant trait. Solitude, our dear friend.  

This solitary existence, this cautious attitude towards life (which I admit, isn’t the best for social nurturing and self-development) potently runs through our veins as it seems to have been embedded in our very own bloodline, almost like a recessive gene - an integral part in our DNA that makes us who we are. As if we have evolved from lone wolves comfortable in isolation, instead of monkeys, the most social of creatures - a perplexing malady perfect for a comprehensive, investigative scientific case study. Psychologists would definitely be lining up for a chance at such a thesis. (And no, I won't be volunteering as tribute.)

It’s strangely kind of like an ancestral curse bestowed to us by the gods of social fortune and misconduct, for some grave sin ignorantly (maybe even comically - as a joke) committed by one of our foolish ancestors (a jester of sorts) who had undoubtedly displeased them. One we descendants are still paying for, bearing the same shame our forefather did as we have begrudgingly gained a dissociative personality trait from his demise. And it has done its job faithfully so, trickling down from generation to generation - as both paternal and maternal sides are no strangers to this phenomenon. From adults, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, and other relatives alike - there is little exception. 

Because of this, we simply thrive in solitary activities. We’ve come to celebrate the freedom it creates from the confines of having to prove oneself in the presence of others - a lone cause where we have continued to stand up for our individuality. An attribute I’m not quite sure is an asset, or a liability. Probably both, as stubbornness also seems to be inherent in this precarious test of survival. (I’m still learning as I go.)

-

In terms of a social foundation, from tiny, shaky steps at a young age, I grew to lack leaps and bounds when I embarked on the challenging journey into adulthood - the enigmatic governor of unstable ground. My structure haphazardly formed by my unsteady hands, with the usual provocation one experiences in their unbeguiling youth. My juvenile self found that the need to socialize and conform was this blinding pearly-white grin, filtered by a hidden malice that bore fangs of unwarranted prejudice and judgment, so my own remained tight-lipped and sealed, refusing to speak. I did not like the false sense of security strangers bore with their veiled smiles. So I faced these masked entities with disdain, always faced slightly turned away, as if ready to retreat at any moment, in fear of being shackled by their contempt. I don't really know if it was an act of rebellion, or cowardice. I think it's a bit of both - like two stepbrothers vying for the same attention but an unseemingly pair that can’t be separated.

So as vulnerability and discomfort being the dominant forces that have affronted me when having to interact and associate alone, almost naturally, when thrust in a social setting, I subconsciously developed (i’m blaming the recessive gene) a defense mechanism of its antithesis - dissociation.

Isolation became my safe space, my comfort blanket, my tiny little bubble - a haven only I knew, away from the complex constructs of the outside world. An escape from reality. It's not much of a life for others, but to me it was everything.

At this stage still, I am an infant in this process of development, still wobbling at the knees still learning how to walk, bouncing on the soles of my feet in this awkward dance of resolve.. mostly only having an exchange of superficial pleasantries when all I want is connection. And in this present moment, here lies my most inconvenient truth. What was once my faithful companion has turned into a relentless foe. This pandemic has fortified the curse and twisted my fate. My haven of thoughts are now a thunderstorm relentlessly pouring over a dam, spilling through cracks, overflowing in abandon - too much for one person to bear - which at any given moment could burst with just one flash of lightning. 

From thriving in time alone, now I am a helpless pawn in its game of chess. A simulated war of psychological strength and fortitude has commenced.. It seems a new set of formidable challengers lay before me - my opponents powerful forces to be reckoned with. And I crave for a sense of shared togetherness, I now long to be woven with other colours and shapes. Because this has now become a cruel solitary test of patience, and wits - with me forcibly meant to play all the roles - king, queen, knight, pawn...all the pieces intended for me to participate as, dutifully and without complaint. There is no battalion of men I can rely on. I am alone, yet again.. In this mental maze I seem to keep hitting corners and dead ends, irrevocably lost, with no direction. But it’s okay, for some journeys you have to go through alone. This road is not unfamiliar after all. Should I forge ahead with the confidence I know I still lack? or resign to my usual pursuits? At this point i’m not so sure I've been making the wisest decisions as "Check" almost seems to be the most dominant result in my daily life, with i the struggling opponent always on the verge of losing - my king, my heart center, constantly cornered.. exposed and vulnerable. 

For now, I'm not really banking on any wins worthy of a celebration. Small victories perhaps, yes. There are those, i'll give myself that. Little tiny glimmers of hope that appear in my most difficult of days. But, like the checkered board and its pieces, everything has been painted black & white. No shades have been left in between. My ups & downs are blatant and blunt. My highs & lows, two sides of a coin. And even with fervent control and dedication to even a simple victory, my fateful flips haven’t been so forgiving either.

I feel so alone.

I think this is what happens when you have your back against a wall with no visible signs of escape, and an internal battle is inevitable to ensue. This is the eventuality, a mental and emotional upheaval - a call to arms - when an unknown virus suddenly sweeps the world uninvited, like a vengeful wildfire quickly spreading through a dry and dense forest, completely ravaging everything in its wake.  We were unprepared for this. In this extended quarantine, there is nothing I feel more than that of a caged animal - trapped in the desolation of this isolation, wanting to break free. And, the same hearts seem to be experiencing this as well. Walls are being built up and torn down every day. Bridges connected and burned. Long dreary days have bled into threadbare months. The proverbial hands in the clock of Time are moving backwards. "Halt," they say. Pause. Slow down. Listen.  The Universe is speaking.  "What is there to learn from this pandemic?", it asks. Well, I think, as if by God's design, it has plucked us from our solitary islands and dropped us into an endless ocean, so we can learn how to hold hands, and float. Together.  I am still learning though.  Because, every single day I find myself and lose myself, over and over again. The hands in the clock of Time glitching, instead of moving backwards.

I am still learning.

And although my current predicament has been terribly isolating, which has resulted in numerous setbacks born from unrelenting fear, it is because I have not learned the most important lesson: that life, indeed, is meant to be played with a team.. a group.. a family. A beautiful intricate fabric where we all belong and no empty spaces are left in between. 

Unity will save us all.

We are all each others knights, queens, kings and pawns - a band of brothers and merry men, making up a kingdom of hope and faith. Hand in hand we can face this pandemic, play to win, look at it dead in the eye and turn the tables around. We’ll have the last say, and make the most vital move - a grand finale exulted by the words of victory..  “Checkmate.”

Drowning is simply not an option. We'll all float soon enough. Together. 

  .

[goneseriesanalysis]

Sam Temple

Ok, so I’m going to start by working through my opinions on the different characters of the series before I delve into other topics such as representation and plot. Here are my opinions on your main man Sam (I’ve only re-read Gone so far and will be doing a new one for each of the books). 

Also I feel like this goes without saying, but just in case: Spoiler warning for Gone down below

Original Opinion: I thought Sam was a boring protagonist with little to no personality asides from surfing and being ‘in love’ with Astrid.

New Opinion: While I still think Sam is an underdeveloped protagonist, I enjoyed his character much more than I remember, and have more thoughts on him than I realised. 

1.) SAM’S APPEARENCE AND CHARACTER: We get some indication of who Sam is, and his role in the story, in the first chapter. He describes himself as sticking “to jeans and understated t-shirts, nothing that drew to much attention to himself.” While this description is reflective of Sam’s reluctance to become a leader later in the books, it kind of reminds me of every boring protagonist of every ya book/film/tv show ever. It’s a little cliché and as soon as I read this I groaned out loud and prepared myself for the most basic protagonist to ever grace the page. 

 We then get a little insight into his personality and his relationship with the citizens of Perdido Beach:

“everybody knew who he was, but few people were quite sure what he was.”

“He was a surfer who didn’t hang out with surfers. He was bright but not a brain. He was good-looking, but not so that girls thought of him as a hottie.”

We get the idea that Sam is the underdog. Nobody really knows him, but they all expect him to be there when something goes wrong. This is a really good indictor for his role in the rest of the story, but the description still gives us almost no insight into who Sam is as a person. The best word I can think of to describe his personality is ‘protagonist’ - he could have been so much more if he had been given just a little bit more development. 

The next paragraph explains the school bus incident, where we again get absolutely no information on his personality. It’s almost as if Michael forgot that the hero had to be an actual person too. We get told that Sam has one heroic moment and then goes back to being his normal self, but what is his normal self?? I still have no idea. 

We get some more description of Sam when Caine is introduced in Chapter 14 “He had dark hair and dark eyes, not much different from Sam himself” - and this is reiterated by Astrid in Chapter 38 “Astrid was struck by how alike the two boys looked superficially.”                                                                                     “Where Caine hid his arrogance and cruelty behind a smooth, controlled surface, Sam let his emotions play out on his face.” But even here we still get very little idea as to what he actually does look like, a weak point I have noticed in Michael’s writing is his vague descriptions. I do really like Astrid’s comment on how they display their respective emotions. Sam’s strength in morality, his lack of deception, is also a weak point in his leadership - he is too easy to read and therefore manipulate (this isn’t really shown in this book but I remember this becoming apparent with the town council). Caine’s weakness in morality saves him from this weakness but leaves him open to betrayal and mistrust (and rightfully so). 

2.) SAM’S HOME: We next get to see Sam’s house in Chapter 3, which is described as being a “small squashed-looking one-story house with a tiny, fenced backyard and no real front yard.” From this description, and other information throughout the book, we get the idea that Sam and his mother are relatively poor. However, I would prefer to have been shown this instead of being told. Sam’s monetary situation never seems to affect his decisions and opinions which is a little disappointing as, from someone who has grown up poor, I know that it is something that really does affect your whole worldview. The only indicator we get that this situation has affected Sam in any way, is his comment on how wasteful the kids are being with food during the first night at the plaza - but he never actually acts on this - that job falls to Caine and later Albert.

It would have been interesting to explore how Sam could have reacted to Caine’s wealthy upbringing as opposed to his own. Them both being jealous of each other’s lives for different reasons (Caine for his lack of parental love, Sam for his lack of financial security) would have added depth to their relationship as well as Sam’s character. I’m also interested to see how Sam reacts to Albert basically reinstating capitalism in later books. As I remember, he was never overly opposed to it, but it will be interesting to see if his reaction is a direct result of his childhood.

3.) SAM’S FEAR OF THE DARK: This is plot point that is introduced to establish Sam’s powers, and it doesn’t have any other relevance in the story. This is disappointing as, with the final villain being nicknamed “the darkness” it could have been a really poetic and fitting ending for Sam to conquer both his innate fear and the villain at the same time. However as I remember it (possible spoilers for fear and light), Sam has very little to do with Gaia - Gaia mostly interacting with Diana, Caine, Drake and Lana. His ability to produce light in order to counter act this fear is a really nice inclusion though, and reflects how Sam’s leadership is a safety net to those living in the FAYZ. 

4.) SAM MOTIVATIONS: We first get an idea of what it is that motivates Sam when he talks about attacking Tom in Chapter 13, “I thought he was trying to hurt my mom.” Sam’s powers are triggered by fear, his first instinct is to protect those that he loves, and he will resort to violence if it is necessary. This idea is shown again when Sam steps in to protect Bette. His first instinct is to de-escalate the situation (and, interestingly, he looks to Howard to help him with this), but, when that fails, he resorts to violence. I really like this inclusion as it gives insight into Sam’s basic motivations and also explains how he was so quickly willing to murder Drake after Drake went after Astrid. Sam’s attack on Tom is heavily reflective of Sam’s relationship with Drake in the first book - Sam burning Tom’s hand foreshadows him burning Drake’s arm. 

One thing that bothers me with this scene, however, is that Sam shows little to no emotion when talking about his stepfather - and this is never expanded on. It seems out of character for Sam, one of the kindest characters in the book, to feel almost nothing towards his stepfather, and with no explanation as to why this might be. We get no indication of their relationship prior to the incident, which would have been a good chance to further develop Sam. 

Later in the book, when Tom is brought up again Sam says that he felt a rush “I thought, oh, my God, look at the power I have.” - And this again is never expanded on. Sam’s main fault is his unwillingness to shoulder the responsibility of being a leader, and he never really experiences a corruption of power in the way that this line hints. I think Michael may have just added this is to highlight the differences between Sam and Caine, but it feels out of character, especially seen as it is never brought up again (at least in this book, I can’t remember if this is featured later on in the series) 

5.) SAM’S POWERS: I mentioned before how Sam’s powers are first introduced to us through the flashback to Tom and his fear of the dark. But the first time we actively see him use them in the book is during The Fire and later at the powerplant. During both of these situations, Sam is unable to fully control his power and can only summon them through fear. His core motivation is to protect rather than attack. I also find it interesting that Sam is technically the first person to kill someone in the FAYZ, but I don't really have anything else to say about it :/

The first time we see Sam voluntarily use his powers in in Chapter 28, when Astrid manipulates him into using his anger instead of his fear. I find this interesting, because, despite the change in emotion, Sam’s motivation largely remains the same. The use of his power here comes from his anger at Drake having hurt Astrid, his anger that he wasn’t there to protect her. 

This then changes in chapter 33, when Sam seems to gain full control over his powers. This time, when he summons his anger he focuses on his mother. I have a few issues with this. Firstly, Sam gaining control of his powers seems rushed for plot convenience, especially when you compare him to Caine, who was more willing to use his powers and yet took months to master them?? Is this a hint that, if Sam were willing to go as far as Caine, he would be the more powerful one - or is it just lazy writing?? It seems that Sam and his powers were pushed aside for other storylines, which is troubling considering he is the main character. The other thing that bothers me about this scene is that Sam’s anger at his mother is not further developed (are you noticing a theme??) It would have been nice if this had come up again properly in the poof scene.

The poof scene would have been an excellent scene to develop Sam’s character, instead, for me, it fell flat. We don’t get much perception into Sam’s thoughts other than that his first instinct is to reach out to his mother, but this provides us with very little indication about who he is as we know that this has also been every other child’s first instinct. Him being the first one to refuse is indicative of his strength and hints that the anger he felt at his mother was more than a fleeting emotion, but it would have been nice to go into more depth on his feelings about his mother and Caine. A strong, emotionally charged verbal stand-off where Sam and Caine both vent their feelings towards their mother/the gaiphage would have been an excellent ending to the big fight - as Sam’s true strength is his compassion as opposed to his use of his powers. This could have also had a fantastic payoff in later books, where Gaia could have used this moment against the boys. 

6.) WHAT MAKES SAM A HERO:  I’ve already mentioned that Sam’s main strength is his kindness and compassion, which is nice to see - especially in a male protagonist (whether this continues in later books I can’t remember). His adversity to becoming the leader is his biggest weakness, as it often prevents him from doing the right thing in time sensitive situations. I found that this line from chapter 11 nicely sums this idea up “In a closet off the main room he found a grey-green military shirt, many sizes too large.” - possibly referring the idea that Sam is not ready to become the leader/ hero just yet. His hesitance, his insecurities, making him unfit to lead as of yet. Also nicely reminds you how he is just a child.

Then, there are multiple moments throughout the book where Sam is just shown to be the sweetest person and these are my two favourites:

“I’m not supposed to cross the street. // It’s ok. I’ll watch while you do, ok?” - Chapter 5

“Astrid, tell me if this is crazy: I’m thinking if there are any leftovers, we could send them up to Coates.” - Final

The reason people follow him is because in a world where he could be anything, where the old rules just don’t apply anymore, he still chooses to be kind and honestly I love him for it. His line  “It is our world. So let’s make it a good one” contrasts Diana’s line “We didn’t make this world, we’re just the poor fools who are living in it.” And really just highlights how good he is. He deserves so much more credit than he gets from the ungrateful cretins whose lives he saves on a daily basis. I just wish Michael had developed him further past being the protagonist. 

Another fantastic Sam moment is the bit where he escapes from the collapsed apartment building. If you are ever re-reading the series and wondering why Sam is the protagonist, please just read this moment again and tell me you don’t get chills

“Diana tripped backwards from the blow and sat down hard on the stone steps.

Caine could see her face with a sudden, terrible clarity by the glow of a brilliant column of blinding, green-white light.

That light could only have one source.

He lights was light a spear aimed at the sky. It arced upwards from the midst of the rubble of the apartment building.

‘No,’ Caine said.” Chapter 45

7.) OTHER:

These are just a couple of things I noticed, but can’t really make an infirmed point about

Is Sam’s light being green a reference to the gaiphage, or just a random addition??

I noticed that the first few freaks we learn about other than Sam just have a variation of his power. Is this lazy writing or does it have some significance that I missed??

So there are my opinions on Sam from the first book. I’m sorry that this was so long but I have just so many thoughts. I think I’m going to do separate posts for Astrid, Caine, Diana and Drake and then I’ll pair up the others before moving onto relationships, representation and my likes/ dislikes. 

Thank you so much if you read this, and please feel free to give me your own opinions and interpretations :) 

[darthmelyanna]

1. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may-” The alarm on her headset begins to beep wildly, and Elizabeth sighs in frustration, slamming the book shut even as she reaches for the device. It’s the first evening in a long while that she’s had time to relax in her room, and she had been looking forward to starting her annual re-read of her favourite book.

2. ‘Situation?’ she barks down the line, sliding from bed and changing from pyjamas to uniform with the speed of someone who has dealt with emergencies far too many times. ‘Elizabeth,’ John’s voice bursts through. ‘Sorry to disturb, but there’s a scientist who has some troubling news for us. Think you better get up here.’ She’s still shoving her foot into a shoe as she forces her weary body back out of her room. ‘On my way,’ she confirms, taking the stairs two at a time.

3. The night shift is in full swing when she arrives at the control center, and everyone looks at her in surprise for a moment before trying to look busy all of a sudden, clearly not expecting to see her up here on her evening off. ‘Anyone seen Colonel Sheppard?’ she demands, and one of the young gate technicians points towards a large meeting room nearby, whilst attempting to hide playing cards in his other hand. She manages to raise an eyebrow at him as she passes.

4. John is not alone when she arrives in the meeting room; beside him is a nervous-looking scientist, clutching a folder with one arm whilst running a shaking hand through her hair with another. ‘Colonel,’ she says, and he gives her a brief smile and nod before her attention turns the scientist. ‘Dr Ravichandran,’ she notes, remembering the woman’s profile in the back of her mind. ‘What appears to be the issue here?’ There is silence for a moment, and then John sighs, clearly done with waiting.

5. ‘The good doctor was just informing me of some very troubling accusations against her colleagues,’ he prompts. Elizabeth takes a moment to mourn for her bed, with visions of a long night ahead, and then snaps into business. ‘Tell me everything,’ she demands, and this seems to push the scientist into action. ‘Dr-Dr Weir, I would have come to you earlier, but I’ve only just discovered this myself,’ she says, handing over the file. Elizabeth flips it open and begins to scan the papers within.

6. Words jump off the pages at her, and they form a very concerning picture. ‘It appears Collins and Peterson did not take my denial of their request seriously,’ she says, her voice hard. She can even recall the exact experiment they wanted to do – and the dangerous Ancient technology they wanted to perform it on. ‘Do we know where?’ Dr Ravichandran begins gesturing towards the door, and Elizabeth allows her to explain to John the location of the laboratory whilst she continues to read.

7. John says something rapidly over his headset, and in a minute, Lorne appears with Lieutenant Johnson trailing behind. ‘Thank you, doctor,’ Elizabeth takes a moment to say, as John starts to brief the men behind her. ‘I know coming forwards against your colleagues is difficult. You’ve done enough now though, so please go back to your quarters and I’ll let you know in the morning how it all went.’ She’s gripping the folder so tightly that her knuckles are white, and anger continues to build.

8. ‘I want this shut down now,’ she snaps at John, as they make their way towards the area of the city hiding the laboratory. John grimaces. ‘I didn’t understand all of their scientific scribbling, but I gather Ancient technology and illicit testing is not going to make a good combination,’ he says, and she shakes her head. ‘I denied them for a reason. Low chance of success, and very little gain compared to the risk. Besides, in the case of failure, they could blow themselves up.’

9. When they arrive at the lab, John gestures for her to stand back. The next instant, Lorne kicks down the door, and the three of them sweep inside, leaving Elizabeth behind. She hears the sound of indignant voices, and pauses for moment before entering. Collins and Peterson are standing in a corner, trapped and arguing angrily with John. Lorne and Johnson are busy gathering several other scientists together. Elizabeth memorizes their faces, disappointed with how many people are involved.

10. ‘Where is it?’ she demands, glancing over at Collins and Peterson. Peterson snarls slightly at her, and John places a warning hand on his shoulder. ‘I wouldn’t go back there,’ Collins says, and she brushes past, opening the next door and stepping into the room beyond. The technology lies on a table in the middle of the room, innocuous if not for the sudden alarm that fills the air as soon as the door had been opened. In a split second, she realizes what is about to happen.

11. ‘Everyone get down,’ she yells, flinging herself back through the doorway. John takes one look at her panicked expression, and moves towards her, arm reaching out. The last thing she feels is his hand grasping her wrist, trying to pull her forwards, before an explosion fills the air. Then there is darkness, and she knows no more.

12. The gentle murmur of voices finally break through her consciousness. It seems difficult to open her eyes, but someone squeezes her hand gently, and finally she manages to blink. Beckett’s face swims into view. ‘Gave us a bit of a fright,’ he says, smiling when she makes a vague noise in response. John is sat next to her, his face peppered in small cuts. ‘Superficial,’ he tells her, when he senses her gaze. His fingers are linked loosely with hers, although he doesn’t seem to notice.

13. ‘The others are all fine too,’ he continues. ‘Patched up and sent on their way – which includes the holding cell, for most of them. We can deal with them once you’re out of here.’ Carson finishes with his examination, and pulls back. ‘You were lucky,’ he tells her, handing her a glass of water and helping her take a sip. ‘Concussion and a broken ankle, along with some cuts and bruises. You managed to slam the door behind you, which kept everyone protected from the worst of the blast.’

14. ‘You’re going to have to stay here for a few days though. I need to keep an eye on that head injury throughout the night, and you need the rest. No, don’t look at me like that.’ Elizabeth doesn’t even realize she’s frowning, but sighs in defeat as Beckett wander away, shaking his head. ‘It’s OK, I’ll keep you company,’ John says from his place beside her. He tightens his hold on her hand, and then raises his other arm to wave around a book. ‘Hope you don’t mind my breaking and entering.’

15. In response, Elizabeth simply shuffles lower into the bed, closing her eyes and humming slightly. Her body is already beginning to feel the pain creeping through the fog of the painkillers, but she pushes that aside. Instead, she falls asleep to the sound of his warm voice. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” (Little gift for a trip down memory lane – ABFA x)

*

What a wonderful surprise, ABFA! I love all the little details in this—the card playing in the control room, Elizabeth getting dressed in a hurry, the whistleblower’s nervousness—and of course John’s utter disregard for Elizabeth’s personal space. ;)

Thank you so much, anon! Always a pleasure.

[for-peace-war]

You are the problem.

I’m not very good with positivity posts and I find most to be saccharine and willfully ignorant as to what a person needs to know.  For some reason in like the 90′s, maybe? The idea that “beauty is only skin deep” was converted into “you are perfect the way you are,” which is a very depressing thing to consider because if you aren’t happy with yourself and everyone is telling you “you’re fine the way you are,” then don’t you feel that you must be doing something wrong not to see what they do?

With that in mind, I also don’t want to make one of those “tough love” posts.  I just want to share what has motivated me and hopefully, give someone else something to think about with their life.

So, you are the problem.

Whatever is going on in your life, wherever you are or where you want to be —you are the problem.  Close the window, accept it, debate about it; whatever you need to do, that isn’t going to change.  Your life is the way it is because that is what you have pushed for it to become.  But that’s the beauty of accepting that you are the problem: you are also the solution.

Now, I am not saying that factors in your life don’t matter.  They do, a lot.  A problem—an equation, is nothing more than a series of factors that have been grouped together to establish something.  In this case, that something is your life.  Your problem.  And honestly? Some people have a really hard go of it, from race, gender, creed, mental considerations, ability, familial struggles, financial insecurities—it all adds up, all presses down and all shapes how you view the world.  But those things are aspects of your life, they are not your life.

Now, I am not saying that a person that is wheelchair bound is at fault for not being able to run. I wouldn’t even say “fault” is the right word to use here so much as it is up to you to adjust certain factors.  Some factors are so difficult to comprehend that you have to balance the equation to make things work.  Perhaps a person will never run, but does that mean they can’t go somewhere —see something, experience something new? Of course not.

Want to be pretty and feel that you’ll never look like Cinderella? You probably won’t, but determine why you even want to.  Who the fuck is Cinderella? Who said she’s pretty?  Does that mean you want to lose weight? Okay.  Work on that.  Does that mean you want to have blue eyes? Cop some contacts.  Blonde hair? Fucking dye the shit out of it.  But ask yourself why you even want those and if you can’t really figure it out, determine if there’s something more —do you just want to be attractive? You can do the above and say “I’m fine the way I am,” or you can determine where you can change and make those changes for yourself. 

The issue with many attempts to change is that our minds are exceptionally talented computers.  When it comes to reducing a workload, we subconsciously sabotage things we do all the time.  In America, that has and probably always will be dieting—we have an obsession with the physical body and how it doesn’t fit into certain things.

So I’m going to take a moment to focus on that and I’m going to say something that will probably not be the greatest thing to read, but whatever.

First, determine why you want to diet.

Most people will say “health,” and for some people that is true.  This is not a fatophobic sentiment, but at least as far as prevailing science goes, obesity is a terrible for the body.  If people want to get in shape in terms of shedding excess weight and encouraging the body to function more efficiently, that’s great.  

But most people don’t really feel that way.  Most people want to diet, workout—whatever, because they want to look good naked.  And I don’t mean this as “i want to look good for my partner,” as in a person bereft all the tricks we use to mask our flaws from ourselves from clothing choices to angled glances, wants to be able to see his or herself and like it.  They want to be able to pass by a mirror and not dread glancing at it, or not feel horror as they approach a glass paned door and see the reflection back at them.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  This is another factor that comes in —society and its expectations of you.

It isn’t superficial to want to change yourself.  Does it hurt? Yes.  Does it feel like suffering? Sure (though, as a faux-Buddhist I would say everything feels like suffering when you get down to it), but what is more important is that it is a factor you can address.

The common parlance is that it is simple to change something, but difficult to do it.  And that’s true —you only have to say “I want to change myself,” and you’ve established the want, but the task ahead is harder than that. Much harder, because immediately your body is going to go “well, hold on, champ... I don’t like this.”

And it’s very good at that.

Think about the strategies you intentionally give yourself to fail.  I don’t know if Freud is right and food is comforting because you miss mommy’s titties, but whatever the case may be people eat to fight off sadness which leads to weight gain and more sadness and soon you hate yourself all over.  You know this and you’ll still buy “just incase” snacks.  You know, something that may start out innocent like a bag of caramel popcorn and end up those awful star brownies or whatever the fuck.  And you’ll subconsciously gravitate toward them because I mean, why not? It’s what you want.  Yeah, you also want to feel sexier, but you still want to enjoy life and what is more enjoyable than a nice empty meal?

I know I have terrible impulse control.  To combat that, I mean, it’s better to avoid temptation than resist it.  I personally find the “eat when you’re hungry” methodology to be bullshit.  Your fat dog does that and that’s why it’s fat.  Your healthy dog eats on a schedule and—see where I’m going?  So get rid of the “in case” snacks and eat only when you set up for yourself to do so.  3 meals, 5 meals, doesn’t really matter just stick to it and don’t fall into the trap you set for yourself that you have the self control to deny the temptation of food.

No you don’t, that’s why you’re where you are.

But see, that’s why you are the solution to the problem—why you can rejoice in the fact that for any factor you face, you can adjust it.  If you need to medicate? Medicate.  As someone that’s motivationally depressed (if I’m not doing something I fall into horrible lethargy), I needed to get up and move.  So I do, every day and it’s a suffering kind of enlightenment but I’m better for it.  Determine your winning strategy and stick to it. 

Sleep an appropriate amount of time, drink an appropriate amount of water, and determine your goals so you can hit them.  Because in the end, no matter what I say or what anyone else says, this isn’t for me—it’s for you.  You only let yourself down when you give up on whatever your goal is: dieting, learning a language, I don’t know being able to do Arena in WoW if that’s still a thing.  And the only way to solve that problem—any problem; you, really... is to just accept that you have to put the time, effort, energy in.

For people that are struggling under a lot, with a lot of factors, and aware that the world is against them I say good luck and remember failure isn’t an end, it’s just time to reassess the beginning. 

But that was in my brain as I ran.  Now I’m going to do something else. 

Cheers.

[randomnumbers751650]

I wanted to ramble a bit about Mob Psycho 100, so incoming wall of text (also I didn't rewatch/reread ever since, so there might be some things incorrect). In the first episode we are introduced to Shigeo Kageyama, also called "Mob", and the single most important event of his life was being rejected by his childhood friend, Tsubomi.

Like, the flashback shows that they were friends when kids, they did a lot of things together and Shigeo used to show off his powers and she enjoyed. However, as they grew older, Tsubomi just got tired of him and told him that she'd rather get a muscular man.

Shigeo is let a bit brokenhearted and decides to do something about it. At first, I thought to myself "wow, Mob is going to explode", but he didn't (not in the way I expected).

The thing about Mob is that he gained his nickname because he's so featureless that it'd be impossible to identify him in a crowd, in a mob. Pick Episode 1!Mob, remove his psychic powers and ask yourself? What remains?

Although Tsubomi might've been a bit childish and superficial, she was right in the end - any normal person would be put off with someone whose only trait is their powers, she just had the reaction of a normal person.

And this event helped him to discover what his character is - who is Mob? It's something we are actually learning as the series develop, through being "mentored" by Reigen, fighting other psychics, restoring his relationship with his brother, getting friends in the school, people who are willing to trust and help him.

The flashy battles of both the manga and the anime are the dessert, because the main course is the character development of Mob, from being essentially a blank slate with fancy powers to someone capable of great feats, capable of control his powers and not let them control him - this is important because in this world where indulgence is a norm to be exploited, he practices self-denial, temperance, and yet still has a fascination with the world.

From a pedagogical point of view, Mob Psycho 100 shows an important lesson in character design: your characters are not their powers, because if all they have are their powers, it'll get old quick.

When they were kids: Mob: "These are my powers." Tsubomi: "Wow, cool!"

When they are older: Mob: "These are my powers." Tsubomi: "Nobody gives a shit, Mob." "Wow...cool...I guess..."

Of course fancy powers will call the attention of children because they have no experience with the world, but I trust most children are smarter than we think - plus, it's beautiful to see them admire something new or not. There's a difference between childishness and childlikeness. The second refers to a sense of wonder of experience and seeing news things, the capacity of feeling wonder, something people trying to be mature can easily forget if they're not careful (seeing Mob amazed with all his new experiences is definitely a child-like thing, not a childish one).

But the thing is that if it's all they get, it'll get boring, because it's just a show-off. Tsubomi left Mob because in the end all he could do was to be a circus attraction - this is one parallel of him with Mogami, that adds one more layer of Mogami as 'Mob if he was evil', with him being a TV attraction (though certainly Mogami is much more complex, this is just a facet, because the man became evil after a great period in despair).

And, honestly, the part of MP100 that surprised me most, that I could never see it coming was when, in the first episode of the second season, after Mob restores the book that girl was writing, the scene pans to Tsubomi in the lower level of the riverbank saying "Not bad."

I honestly thought she would never appear again in the series and there she was: watching Mob's growth from the sidelines. And to make things interesting, Mob himself hasn't forgotten that he wanted to impress Tsubomi. I know I should read the manga, but still, I really want to see them "reuniting" again. So far, Tsubomi has been more of a plot device (I don't mean it pejoratively, she has little screen time exactly because of what I exposed in the previous paragraph, she is, more or less, an avatar of the audience), but still I wonder what she'll say about Mob's development.

The lesson still remains: there is no point in adding powers, adding weapons, adding abilities to your character if they don't serve a purpose. It'll just make your character bloated and might caught others' attention for a moment before they move on. Of course, if you build a special case, it might attract the kind of attention media like Sonichu has.

Still, I wish more amateur writers gave a chance to Mob Psycho 100 for this exact reason.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

What do you think of 'The Psychology of Azula' video that came out recently?

Sorry this response took so long but like I had to watch the video and really wanted to put thought into it. More under the cut because this ended up being five google doc pages long.

I definitely agree with the first part where the narrator says that Azula’s psychology is the result of a broken family and poor parental upbringing.

But I do disagree with the sadism bit. I’ve typed about this many, many times. I feel like there was really only one time that sadism could be argued and that was when she smiled at the burning of Zuko’s face. But beyond that, I feel like sadism is not a part of her character. As I’ve typed prior, she has done many, many things (including the coup and stopping a senseless torture at the boiling rock) to dispute this.

I also disagree with the Azula always lies bit. I do think that she lies and deceives a fair bit, but I also think that she has a tendency to be very brutally honest.

But I do like his assessment that she is a machiavellian rather than a psychopath. I never really saw her as a psychopath per-say. I always thought that she has trouble functioning in social situations. But I also always felt as though psychopath wasn’t quite the right term though I couldn’t put my finger on it. And as the narrator said, she doesn’t display impulsiveness and such.

I also thought that it was interesting when he started talking about how she has trouble interpreting people genuinely reaching out. The way I took that was that Azula is so used to showing false sympathy and displaying certain feelings to suit a purpose that she assumes others do the same thing and so it’s harder for her to be compassionate and understanding.

Moving on to part two. I agree with him saying that she has antisocial personality disorder. It is kind of similar (imo) to psychopathy, but it isn’t the same. But I still highly disagree with saying that she has a high level of sadism. However when he moves on to say that she’s a narcissist, I can agree with that. I can see that being as she is her father’s favorite and a princess. In some sense, she has almost be raised and predisposed to this disorder. And as he mentioned, it’s reinforced by the friends she has chosen and by her father and by her own need to believe it. That last facet is particularly interesting to me because it highlights some insecurity on her end. Which the narrator ends up touching on.

On that note,  I also highly agree with the paradoxal, ‘significant impairment in self-functioning’. I’ve discussed this in the past as well; she has very high standards for herself, higher than those she has for others. And along with it, she longs for the approval of others. Like, she has this bizzare sort of sense of self worth. On one hand she does kind of display narcissistic traits but she also has so much insecurity that she needs the approval of others, her father in particular. I like that the narrator points out that it stems from a natural human desire for intimacy AS WELL AS her “detached need for superficial status.” I agree with him when he begins discussing how the fact that she is not on equal footing with her father, that he is one of the few people she sees as above her, contributes to why she so yearns for his approval and love.

In general I like how he has linked power dynamics into how she forms her desire for love and approval. Though I, myself, would like to say that, by the end of the series, I think that she starts to develop a desire for love with people like her mother and Mai and TyLee like the kind she has for her father. Possibly because, at that point she is so broken that she might see herself as inferior. Which is something that would really destroy her. But it would make sense considering how entrenched perfectionism is ingrained within her. By the end of the show, she is so very far from perfection, I can see her almost craving approval wherever she can get it since she can no longer get it from herself.

As he goes on to say, she uses manipulation and undermining to try to make herself become “the most beautiful and smartest girl in the room”. I think that this is a means of protecting her ego and helping herself to feel the sense of security and perfection she craves. Which brings me back to my headcanon that Azula is very highly insecure, hence why she craves perfection and has to be better than everyone else. Which is why she takes it so hard when people are better than her at some things.

Come part three. Right off the bat I agree with the narrator in that she views even the most simplicit social interactions as combative; I have typed about this elsewhere as well. “To lose something is a moral failure of shame and humiliation.” To me this stands out and and once again highlights a deeper insecurity. That even losing a game in good fun makes her feel awful and shamed. It roots back to her perfectionism.

“Though played as a joke, Azula has never had to moderate her behavior in this way before.” Is another interesting point. One of the reasons she struggles to interact socially on the beach goes back to the power-dynamic thing that he mentioned prior. She is more or less on equal(ish) footing with everyone else so she longs for a different type of approval again. Plus that kind of moderation is foreign to her, she has never really had to put on a different persona for anyone before. And as he says, her usual manipulative tactics can’t earn her the genuine affection she desires in those scenes.

Despite what I said above about her possibly having narcissism or displaying traits of it. I love that this narrator poses that she might not have that disorder at all. That it could be the product of simply being isolated and brought up in a royal environment where she never had to seek that kind of approval. It would simply be because she hasn’t learned how to socialize correctly.

I was also very happy that he tackled the scene where she is talking to Zuko at their old beach house. Like he said, that scene was so important for showcasing that Azula isn’t devoid and bankrupt of empathy. It just, as he put it, doesn’t come naturally to her. As he points out, “there doesn’t seem to be much of a reason for her to purposefully search out her brother.”  She has been shown to help him out before, but this is the one true time where there really isn’t anything for her to gain from approaching him. He goes on to mention the “this place is depressing quote.” Which is profound because it is a true moment of empathy. The implication being that Azula harbors some hurt over the past. And for, perhaps, the first time in the series she sees the same hurt on Zuko and empathizes. As he points out, they are completely alone too, so there really is nothing for her to gain from it, even in a social means. I absolutely adore the interpretation, “this is what Azula may be like if they had taken away the pressures of the outside world, of their father.”

I like how he interpreted her suggestion to trash Chan’s party as well. He brought her insecurity to the surface and made her feel inferior so she had to remind everyone and…especially…herself that she was still on top. As well as she needed to get back into her comfort zone both internally and externally.

Part four was very interesting to me as I have dived into talking about her darker psychology before; http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/avatar-the-last-airbender/articles/241344/title/diagnosis-azula

I really like how he pointed out that she was raised to use fear to form relationships. The call to her father’s relationship with Ursa and how it was fear based stood out to me because, though I knew her upbring has so much to do with how she forms relationships, it didn’t quite click that her father and mother literally modeled using fear in place of love right in front of her. Like he said, she has only known love and relationships through fear so it really rattled her to see love overpowering that fear.

Once again going back to her insecurity, Mai choosing love over fear and Zuko over her left her feeling foreginly weak and venerable. It pretty much rocked her entier feeling of security and self-image. Which, to me explains her lashing out in a way that I hadn’t considered prior to the video.

That was the perfect segway into her losing her grip. Like the narrator says, “if Mai and TyLee can betray her, anyone can.” And so we get into the interpretive delusions. I found it particularly interesting when he noted that she even accused her own body of conspiring against her instead of admitting that fear and control weren’t the way to go.

I also absolutely loved how he highlighted the, “you always had such beautiful hair line.” Now that he mentioned it, I pay more attention to it. At first I just thought that it was a segway into the next thing hallucination Ursa was going to say, an icebreaker so to speak. But it is so much more, as the narrator says, her perfection was always tied into and alluded to with her perfectly styled hair. Furthermore that the hallucination was brought about by and opened up with that line because it was the first time she really saw herself as physically less than perfect.

I am also so, so happy that he notes that “almost every interaction we see with them (Azula and Ursa) is a critical one.” We see almost nothing in canon where Ursa is being affectionate with Azula. But we see a lot of Ursa scolding her and displaying signs that she doesn’t like Azula’s ambition and power. I like how after this part he draws a parallel between the hallucination scene and the betrayal scene, with love vs fear at the root. How pretty much everything Azula thought to be true is falling apart around her. It really tears her apart because as he said; accepting this would be to accept weakness in herself and there for imperfection. Which circles back into insecurity.

I think that the narrator’s take on diagnosing her with schizophrenia is interesting as well. Though I do stick to my guns in thinking that she has it, I do agree that diagnosing it so early on would be the wrong thing to do. However by the time the comics, that take place years later, roll around the hallucinations are still present, which is well over the 6 months hs of persistence that was mentioned.

The whole bit about the systamisted beliefs is something agree with as well as the delusions of grandeur and control. I’m not going to get to into that because it is something I have already analyzed in that link that I posted above.

I will talk about how I think that his interpretation of S&S is interesting. She claims that she is getting better and that the voices are gone (which is a step in the right direction). But the narrator has a point, the delusion is still very much there in that she is talking about how she was never meant to be fire lord. That the delusion simply evolved and twisted into something even more complex. And I think that it is interesting to note that she is getting her manipulative streak back and losing some of that impulsivity.

I love how he noted the contradictory delusions too. That her mom is both trying to get her on the throne and away from it. This was an eye-opener for me in a way. I always interpreted that scene as Azula just deciding that she wasn’t meant to be Fire Lord. He seems to interpret it as her maintaining the delusion and her mother helping her draw that conclusion. I am not sure if I agree with this yet, and will have to think on it. But I do like the theory.

I do like him bringing up schizoaffective disorder. I believe that I mentioned that one in that link above as well. I also like how he mentions that she displays signs of anxiety and depression.

Part six was great too, because again, I enjoy how he notes that every interaction we have see between Azula and Ursa is negative (particularly, I like how he notes that she overheard her mom asking what was wrong with her). I’ve been saying time and time again that, “this kind of dynamic can be very damaging for a child.” Regardless of how you feel about Azula, it is never good to say something like that in front of your child. I won’t get too much into this one either because I will definitely sound like a broken record. In general I agree with pretty much everything he says in light of her relationship with her parents and how it has shaped Azula into who she is. I like the mentioning of the conflicting parenting style as well and how she gravitated towards Ozai because it was easier to gain affection from him as Ursa’s affection is more rooted in emotion and Ozai’s was more rooted in power. Azula’s strong suit is power not emotion and so she drifted to Ozai because that’s the parenting style that coincided better with her. And again I really like the mention of the conflicting parental styles; that Ursa punishes Azula for things that her father praises her for. So she kind of just stuck to the parental style that was easiest for her to achieve.

Where it gets really interesting to me is when he mentions that Ursa may have been depressed when raising Azula. It makes me sympathize with her, where I hadn’t before. It doesn’t justify or make her neglect of Azula any better but I understand it more and I feel more sympathy should it be true.

Furthermore I like how he mentioned that her attachment to Ozai created a cycle between she and her mother.

I like that he mentions how Azula would lash out for attention as a child as well. To me that, perhaps she acted out not out of sadism but to receive her mother’s attention by any means necessary and the best way to do that was to act out and do something mean.

I absolutely love that he mentions the importance of an intervening parental figure and how Azula was forced to confide in her abuser while Zuko had Iroh. Again I won’t talk too much about this because I mentioned over and over how much of a difference Iroh made in Zuko being able to achieve redemption. I’m just happy to see such an articulate narrator agreeing.

I agree that her story was a tragedy too. And above all else I am so, so thrilled and satisfied that he closes that, “while it is easy to read Azula as an adult she is just 14.” And that Ozai didn’t give her much time to really be a teen girl. Thank you!!! This is what I have been trying to say for ages. Moreover I like how he says that, “Azula’s actions can’t be pegged on anyone but it is important to recognize the impact of abuse.” So, so, so important, and exactly what I’ve been trying to say.

As far as the narration itself goes I was really impressed by the lack of bias. It was a clear cut analysis that seemed to be more rooted in fact-based speculation than emotional attachment (either positive or negative) to Azula’s character. The fandom really needs this imo. It is so split that there is seldom middle ground. And I love how this narrator takes that middle ground. I didn’t feel like he was trying to demonize nor make her out to be a saint. He was just telling things for what they were. I liked that a lot. He has a soothing voice too lol.

Basically this guys is saying everything I’ve been trying to say but he’s managed to explain it in a much more organized way.

I’m not going to lie I almost didn’t answer this ask because I didn’t feel like watching such a long video. But I’m glad I did. Thanks so much for the ask and recommending the video!

[arclightbutterfly]

Light, Mind, and Hope

This is a Homestuck post, so feel free to ignore it-- it’s only marginally tied in with my transition.

EDIT: IM A FUCKING IDIOT I MEANT HEART NOT MIND

Growing up, I feel like Homestuck was an amazing guideline in understanding how I changed as a person and matured into the character that I am today. I feel like every major step in my life, I discover something new about myself, or about the world, and how I interact with it-- something that would be really difficult to describe in non-abstract terms.

It’s honestly amazing how well Andrew Hussie tied in these aspects of my life, and so much more of them that I have probably yet to discover into a webcomic. It implies that he himself must have understood these experiences and revelations, at least to the extent that he might be able to portray how they should look like in terms of maturity.

So far, I feel as if I’ve only really discovered two aspects: Light, and Mind. Recently, I think I’ve begun finding aspects of Hope within myself. And there’s just so many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I just kind of felt like I had to dump them somewhere.

That being said, I’ll start with Light.

Light

I used to think I was a Light player. This is, of course, after I thought I was a Time Player, which was really just like a superficial thing of me wanting to be all cool and cold calculations and whatever. As a Light player in my high school years, I felt as though the aspect truly resonated with me. A Knight of Light, someone who exploits fortune and information for their own objectives.

Information was always my primary weapon. I prided myself on knowing stuff on just about any topic. Whenever a new situation confronted me, I was always ready to whip out my “little-miss-know-it-all” hat and take charge of the situation with the obviously superior decision making I possessed (this is sarcasm) as a result of my knowledge.

And to be fair, it made sense to me. Information helped me through everything. Knowledge truly was power. I never went into any kind of game casually-- I always searched up guides on the perfect strategies, and did extensive research to ensure I would end up with the best possible outcome. I loved learning, and tried to learn as many talents as I could, so I could appear as competent as possible in any number of situations.

And honestly? It’s been pretty helpful, even in college. I love the feeling of being competent and being able to surprise people with hidden knowledge and talents that I just spent all of high school accumulating.

And honestly, it helped me transition, too. When I was faced with the fact that transitioning was going to be impossible for someone like me, I attacked that reality with research. I spent countless hours scouring the internet for sources and information that would ultimately forge my path.

In real life, I think realized Light players have the ability to not only understand things, but to know what things that they must know in order to understand something. They don’t spend as much time on the minutae; they instinctively understand the bare minimum of information that they must consume to produce functional models of concepts in their head. As a Light player, I think that the ability to apply this information is also a huge part of the aspect-- being able to connect concepts and determine applications for them, so that information is always at the forefront of one’s approach to any obstacle.

Mind

But now I know better. At the present moment, I think I identify more as a Mage of Mind. I know I still have that Knight of Light in me-- I think I’ve just matured enough to gain an understanding of another aspect in my identity. Mind is all about identity. It’s about who you are, the decisions you make, and above all of it, knowing why you made those decisions. As a Mage of Mind, my classpect can probably best be summed up as “know thyself.”

And this motto has held to be quite powerful. I spent a lot of time in introspection, throughout my entire life. My identity as a person, as a collection of memories, and as a sum of experiences has been of constant interest to me, ever since around third grade. I have memories marked in my brain as a child with little notes attached, reading “please don’t forget this memory” and “I know what I did now must seem inconsequential to myself in the future, but please don’t let my motivations die.” I continuously come across notes from my past self that I don’t remember writing, with words of encouragement from snapshots of my identity as it was in the past.

One of my primary motivators is the fact that I know my future self is cheering me on. Just as I now wish that I could go back in time and tell myself that everything is going to be alright, I know that in the future, I will be doing the same thing for my present self now. So, I know that I am being encouraged, and do not need to worry about not being able to tell my past self that things will turn out okay-- she already knows.

Similarly, I take care not to brush off my past self’s memories or ambitions. That way, I can be reassured that my future self will not do the same with mine. My existence is a carefully orchestrated cooperation between my various selves at all points during my life, united as a single identity striving towards a common goal.

Consequently, I’ve found introspection to be an incredibly powerful tool. By understanding how I think, I know how to take control of my mind. You know that one post that was like “being able to have total control of your own mind” as a shitty superpower, and everyone chiming in about how cool that would actually be? I feel like introspection is that superpower. The more you understand about yourself, the more you’re able to control yourself. It’s how I managed to get my time management skills. Once I cracked the code of how I learn and store information, studying became a breeze. I literally never go to any of my classes in college, and I’m doing fine. I honestly cannot express how powerful being able to understand how you learn is. It just unlocks a whole level of processing power in your brain that’s honestly just ridiculous.

In addition, it’s helped me understand other people. I used to have a parlor trick in high school, where I’d try to read someone’s personality / memories. By looking at their behavior, I was eerily good at figuring out specific memories or events in their lives that triggered those behaviors. I had a couple of my skeptical friends test me, and I was surprised to find that even with them, I had a fair bit of accuracy. As a Mind player, I feel as though one of my abilities is to recognize when people around me are on paths similar to ones that I took, but haven’t quite finished yet (this is not to say that I have finished more paths of maturity or anything-- just that we all are on different levels of various paths, and I happen to be able to see those who are on paths that I have already gone down) and understand everything about their personality that’s tied to that path based on my own state of mind when I was at that point myself.

Mind players, I think, have the power of being competent. The aspect of Mind is about unlocking the potential of the self, and discovering what you can do when you push yourself to more and more of your full ability.

Hope

I’m rereading Homestuck right now, and as I’m going through it, I’m starting to notice something else that I resonate with: Hope. Hope is positive energy, but in Homestuck, it also represents the ability to change reality. I’ve always felt a drive within myself that constantly drives me to improve and make a difference in the world around me, but even though I often describe this particular brand of motivation as “spite” or “anger at the world,” I’m not really angry. I’m hurt, for sure. And I know that the pain I’ve felt drives me. But it doesn’t drive me in a bitter way. It drives me because I want to make this world better.

My small group leader recently told me that despite the things that I’ve been through, I always manage to stay positive, but not in a manner that resembles naive optimism. More of an ability to take negative experiences and transform them into positive expressions. A refusal to allow suffering to change me for the worst. A desire to cling on to my humanity.

I found a note written to myself from the past today. It was a note written as a “personality override--” a code that I keep with myself to allow irrational decisions in my reasoning.

(As an aside, I’ve found that permitting controlled irrationality in your decision making process is a fantastic way to program your own mind. I have override protocols that I tell myself to follow without question, even when illogical, and it’s allowed me to stay constant through everything, and cling on to the things that make me who I am. It’s what lets me hang on to memories most people would have let go a long time ago, and feel a connection to myself in the future because of it. There’s other dumb stuff too, like a code I follow for if I end up time traveling back and talking to myself or something-- I have a passcode I’ve never said out loud or written down, which I’ve had since sixth grade, that I can use to verify that someone from the future is in fact myself.)

The note told me to fight off the desire to form defensive mechanisms like isolation. To stick to my personality as someone who loves no matter the circumstances. A combination of my identity as a Mind player and some aspects of myself as a player of Hope.

And I’ve found that as an aspect, Hope represents that ability for that positive energy to create change. I used that spiteful/positive/loving energy to create a non-profit organization in my sophomore year. I used it to drive my exploits as a player of light. That energy drives me to shape the world. I live for moments when people tell me that I remind them of a protagonist. I know I’m going to change the world-- because I have to.

Hope players, in this world, have the ability to shape reality to their will. Things always go their way, because it has to. They will stop at nothing to realize their dreams. Hope is overflowing, desperate motivation and drive and passion.

As I fight through my life, I’m beginning to understand more and more of what that means. I don’t know when I’m going to die. But until I do, I’m not going to stop fighting for what’s right. Trans fucking rights. I’m going to make sure no one else has to go through what I did in my childhood if it kills me.

Anyway, that’s my little spheal on that I guess. If anyone wants to understand how my brain works-- this post right here is a pretty succinct summary.

Hey, if I ever get amnesia, can someone please show me this post? Thanks.