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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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what does "Lent" represent in the playlist?

Ahahaha mysterious corpse fic anon yet again!! /pos /pos /pos

Ok well half of it is just I really like that song but it has. Reasons. I can see why they'd be less obvious since there's not like. Any murder or corpses lmao but yes! So! Under another cut! This is The Corpse Fic after all

I'm gonna put this in the general fyogol tag because tbh! It's a good analysis of their relationship in general hey motherfuckers listen to Lent by Autoheart it's about nikolai and fyodor<3

This song I think is a very good portrayal the dysfunction of Fyodor and Nikolai's relationship to begin with, from beginning to end, and how that dysfunction continues for Nikolai even after his death, worsening to the point where he can finally see the forest for the trees of why he feels like this and hating it.

It focuses on his memory of how they lived from Nikolai's perspective. Their relationship has always been one utterly centered around worship, guilt, religious trauma, hidden feelings, and codependence. They met, in my own idea, when they were both very vulnerable and in bad places, still teenagers, and the relationship they've built up in order to survive is ultimately terrible for the both of them no matter how much they love each other.

Nikolai is so accustomed to this relationship where nothing else in the world matters to him, though he knows he's been abandoned and used and was always meant to die and that no future includes either of them happy, even though he's realized their relationship is fucked up in a multitude of ways he can't live without Fyodor. This thing he's killed is his religion. What else is he supposed to do?

Him narrating this song during this time shows just how much his beliefs and that painting of Fyodor's affected him. It is a deeply guilt-ridden relationship they have and nearly everything for them is built on a thick foundation of trauma and symbolism. Things aren't working out for them, they never were going to, he continues to attempt to purify himself in Fyodor's eyes, in his own eyes, how he wishes they might be saved and how he knows he will make it worse, but in so doing corrupts himself and falls ever farther, the lengths he has gone to and how hideous he has become to fit himself to his ideal, why is he even pushing himself so hard towards this imaginary thing?

Lyric Explanation

Should I stay? Should I go? Should I run far away

To the point where I can't even see the universe?

I know I'm killing time

And baby that's not fine

This represents most of Nikolai's turmoil not just in the fic but throughout the whole bsd storyline- Nikolai has realized after he faked his death that to achieve his supposed ideal he must sacrifice the one person he loves the most, and he keeps debating it over and over even after it's done- he's been killing time putting off handling his emotions and he feels guilt for it since half of the reason he's going so far, barreling through so many taboos is because Fyodor thought it to be beautiful. He's running from himself and he's running to lose sight of himself even further.

I'll pack it in, pack it in, never smoke anything

Never eat anything that will compromise my health

And, baby that means you, too, that means you

Like in skeleton appreciation day, Fyodor is the 'sin', the vice that Nikolai is trying to quit so hard, now that he's identified him as the object of all his terrible horrible no good homosexual feelings and all the horrors that have come with his relationship to the demon. He's just. Really. Really bad at it, and clearly even killing him is doing no good at stopping this cycle.

It's impossible to pin-point, you were like a fat joint

I cannot remember you back in November

Never gonna allocate all of this dark hate

Stuck in the middle, middle of it

Give it up, give it up, give it up for lent

Take a break, pack it in, take it out to the bin

Isn't it counterfeit? Take a hit a little bit

Wasn't it not worth it?

I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna even know

Why you haven't even sold our band of gold

Isn't it counterfeit? Take a hit a little bit

Wasn't it not worth it? Whoa

Nikolai never truly knows what to believe when it comes to Fyodor. His memory is subjective, his memory is incomplete, he knows he's the least objective source and at this point he's gone so far down this hole he can't even recognize what Fyodor was meant to look like in old pictures. He doesn't know what he's doing and he's losing sight of why he's doing it, he doesn't know what's a lie and what was real and what was his fault. He's asking himself, was it worth it to keep him around so as not to go into withdrawal? No, of course it wasn't, for what it's done to him. Was it worth it what Fyodor did to him, he's asking why they stayed together, he knows it was never the ideal he wanted, he knows the religion he built around Fyodor is utterly false, but he could not let go of it.

Slip up, faux pas, yet another mistake

When we blunder all I see is another thunderstorm

Brewing above the house of anarchy we share

When we have a visitor, they are visibly disturbed

They don't want to hang around in the company of you and I

And I don't blame them one iota, no I don't

As they are dysfunctional in life, they remain in death. Course, these were the kids who looked like they were about to tell their friends not to come to school tomorrow, those kids grew up to found a terrorist organization on a suicide pact, where their entire relationship was based on nihilism, alienation from the rest of the world, religious guilt, internalized homophobia, and unwavering pessimism. They're utterly clinging to each other and fucking each other up worse, but they have no future nor hope to mend themselves beyond fucking killing everyone and they are so bitterly aware of that.

In this story it stays that way, and it's awful for Sigma honestly the most, because he just has to watch this go down and down and down. Nikolai is so hurt knowing the disgust and concern Sigma has for him, but it's always been him and Fedya against the world, so. He chooses the corpse, though he knows he can't blame Sigma for leaving, though he knows it will only make life worse.

I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna

I don't wanna be your personal assistant

You'll meet my resistance everyday, oh

What's it gonna take to make it crystal clear to you we are through?

I'm angrily surprised at you

I don't wanna, I don't wanna be like this

Back then—yes, maybe, now it's crazy

We're no good for one another, no, no, no

I don't wanna, I don't wanna act like this

You know I wanna be free

I want to be free

Yeah, this is the whole reason he wanted Fyodor dead- to love is brainwashing, it's servitude. Nikolai knew he would do utterly anything for Fyodor, he's seen this and he's realized it the second he found himself on that stage ready to fucking cut himself in half to please him, and it disgusted him, he tries to quit it, he tries to quit it even if it means killing him but then he's still there a month later cleaning and dressing and kissing and sleeping with and kneeling before that empty corpse and he realizes maybe this isn't something he can get away from! It's not going to work, though he's fighting against it with all his might it's utterly useless and his own mind is the prison, the only cure a gun.

I love this song so much and I have Fyogol brainrot. They are so fucking doomed and I don't know what to do other than make gay little song analyses about it so<3333

#rowan gets yelled at #rowan's hyperfixation essays #fyogol #corpse fic anon

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