#fyi I'm allowed to mock homeschooled evangelical children because I was one

[manettheeternalelir]

I work at an undisclosed Midwestern lumberyard chain, and by god I wish I didn't.

It's the hell of working retail with the added stress of people making 15 minute decisions on 6 figure projects. Last night a couple asked me whether we could do a door a specific way, I said yes but we don't carry it in stock, and ofc they asked 3 more times if we have that door in stock, with the inevitable conclusion of them telling at me for wasting their time for not informing them that the door they want isn't in stock.

But every so often,

Once in a blue moon,

I have the privilege of telling somebody to fuck off.

There's a guy, we'll call him Chris, who comes in about 3 times a week. He has a Donald Trump level fake blonde toupee, the intelligence of a concussed squirrel, and he almost never buys anything. But he grabs the neatest employee and spends the next 45 minutes (timed) (average) (once it hit 133) asking questions that a 5 year old homeschooled evangelical child could answer.

When Chris enters the store a call goes out over the radio to let the managers know, and they scatter like rabbits. Whatever unlucky schmuck gets stuck with him is to be pitied, but never assisted lest ye become ensnared in the mire of idiocy that Chris projects.

The other day I wasn't wearing a radio, because of the autism, and so I was caught off guard as Chris came up to me. Knowing that my chances of escaping him were negligible, I launched straight into Unhelpful Mode. For those of you who haven't worked retail, or have repressed your time there, Unhelpful Mode (perhaps more accurately described as Overly Helpful Mode) is when you are perfectly capable of helping a customer, but deliver that help in such a manner that it dissuades them from asking follow up questions. An example is going into excessive detail about the chemical treatment of green lumber, or the myriad ways that you can customize a door to achieve the same dimensional effect. The customers eyes glaze over and lose their spark, and they proceed to go away to think about the excessive information you've dropped into their poor little minds.

Much to my chagrin, I quickly learned that Chris was immune to Unhelpful Mode, probably because he is too vacant to absorb the most surface level information, let alone the wealth of details I unleashed upon him. Due to this miscalculation, I was forced to spend about an hour (56 minutes) (error of about 5 minutes due to my coworkers disappearing until they were sure he was dealt with) with Chris.

After telling him everything he asked about, and more, I made my exit. The crucial question he asked me, over and over, was if we could install a door for him. I told him that no, Per Policy, [Company Name] does not do installation, but that I could provide him with the information of a few local contractors. He asked this probably 7 times, the last time making my exit.

Chris then demonstrated a guile unbeknownst to me. After waiting until I was out of his sight he approached our rookie employee, all of 3 days from hire. He knew that if he could pressure the new kid into stating that [Company Name] would install his door, that he could come back later and get a discount due to being assured of installation (stupid rule).

Thankfully on this hallowed day, I was observing from cover (behind another desk), and figured out what he was doing. I came up and asked what was going on? He lied, the rookie told me what was up, and I politely asked Chris to leave.

Chris took this very personally, and started to raise his voice. Which I matched. At this point everybody in the vicinity was watching us, necks craning and conversations ceasing. Things escalated further, and eventually his profanity laden denunciation prompted my own thunderous "Fuck Off". He bolted for the General Manager, lied his ass off, and begged for my firing.

I told a *relatively* true account of the interaction, reminded the GM of who we were dealing with, and got off scott free.

All in all not worth it, applied to 2 other jobs the next day.