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loveerinn · 6 years ago

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I hate people that do this.

But I do know? It’s not good to forget the past entirely. Forgiveness is a huge necessary step. (And I do.) But when you forget the past? It repeats its self. You don’t have to throw it in their face. You don’t have to push your anger (Which you shouldn’t have anymore... rememberance of hurt or pain? sure. But you shouldn’t feel anger anymore) on others especially when they’re growing. And even if they’re not.

If I you see someone not trying? It makes sense for your mind and emotions to fall back to the sense of betrayal or anger or sadness. Because you know the person that previously hurt you or the past they had, will be continuing. But even then. It’s good to forgive and move on. But it is understandable why some people can’t. I couldn’t for a while when I started writing on here. I’m passed all that now. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. I’m just...calm and happy and understanding. I get it and I get myself now. So I don’t... and others shouldn’t simply throw a persons past in their face, if they’re growing.

But you don’t forget what you or other people needed to grow from in the first place!!!!

That’s how you forget your purpose of growth. There’s no need for you to push the past in someone’s face because if they’re really growing? Those things they did wrong in their past and so on. They will remember. They should remember that.

Please everyone remember that.

And I don’t want to be a hypocrite in this respect, by what I’m about to talk about. But this has been on my page and this is a page no one follows.

If someone is trying...don’t lore that over their head. Don’t make them feel like shit for something no one can change now.

If they do feel bad? That’s okay and that’s a good sign. But there shouldn’t always be a call back unless it’s necessary.

Speaking for experience honestly. I wanna talk about a situation that I’m genuinely still working to fully get over. I’m not mad. Not anymore. But they’re always on my mind. Always. So I frequently think of what happened and what went wrong. And I see everything a little clearer. Still missing some small parts but overall... Anyways let’s get to it:

I have two friends from home. Well not exactly friends anymore, idk what I’d call them. But regardless.. for the sake of making this story easier.. “old friends.”

So I have two old friends from home. Both are growing a lot in different ways. In ways I didn’t expect for the amount of discourse from when i left and even after. When I say left I mean I grew up in some place, and went to college in another place.

Have you ever just seen someone? And you don’t think they won’t ever grow up, catss everyone grows up eventually, but.... You just didn’t think they were gonna particularly grow up soon.

I can say I was pleasantly surprised. Then again they were separated and I feel that may have been a root issue. Not that they couldn’t be good for each other. Those two had a lot of potential to be good for one another. Better than most. Maybe not better than me (That was me being cocky and funny ignore me) but still really good for each other.

It’s just that when you’re stuck in a certain mentality...of “whether you’re doing good or bad i’m on your side”... it can become toxic. Very quickly.

Okay in short: those two old friends, festered and had a life line of “me and you against the world.”

There’s nothing wrong with having someone’s back like that. And in theory I wouldn’t say there was anything adherently wrong with their relationship/friendship “type”

However...you can have a “me and you against the world” type...vibe. type connection without exclusion. They were trapped in a bumble. And they kept everyone else out of it. Even people that were connected to them the most. They got into easily thinking that everyone (even the ones who were for them).. were against them. Which makes sense situationally and circumstancially.

Because of all the things that happened BECAUSE of how they acted with everyone else due to how they acted with each other.

It was kind of awful. Everyone for the most part took the back burner and just a spectator to watch ...

It’s almost comical, but not at all that people were taking shots, and making bets on just how long it would take them to tear each other apart. On how long it would take them to destroy one another.

Because at that point? No one could interfere. And it seemed to be the only solution. It’s kinda sad that a couple of young kids kinda came to the point where everyone around them was just... like wtf.

Thinking back.. I feel kinda bad. Cause I can admit I hope for their destruction as well. I can admit that while part of it was me being worried about the well being they brought to one another...

A bigger part of me was jealous. That they weren’t even necessary good for one another, but they still both dropped me in a sense for each other. It’s silly.

But it was how I felt. Knowing two people meant so much to me. But they instead meant more to each other.

For the longest time... even recently ...after they were dissociating from each other.... before their growth... they still held each other at a higher esteem than everyone else. They were both growing and deciding they were gonna treat people better. But for some reason they were both still the top of their list of people to treat better. Like they weren’t already.

I don’t know it just bothered me something fierce. That I was begging to be treated better... with more attention, more care (which i later learned was really bad of me to do) but the only thing they were willing to fix or do better at was without a doubt how they treated e a c h o t h e r. At the time? That shit hurt so bad. I can still feel the ghost of the pain that I use to feel over it.

I’m better now. I understand now. I still sometimes wish I had someone to give me more attention.. attentiveness and sometimes i wish it was one of them.. but I know why now. And I know that I won’t die now if I don’t get it. I’m just lonely... And that’s no one fault really. And not anyone’s job to fix.

But back to to the story:

There old behavior bred bad habit for them both. They both had similar interests... even similar personality qualities which obviously makes a friendship sometimes. However they were so involved in their “me and you” they didn’t seem to acknowledge that at some point you need a break as a human. That the constant validation of another person? Does not help you grow.

That’s what I felt it was the most. Validation. They were both in uncomfortable situations. They both found Validation for each other in each other.

Validation of their “weirdness”, of their interests, of their differences from other people... none of these things bad.

But also found it for their dissociation, their lack of human regard, their emotional incompetencies, their toxic traits, and their inconsistencies. Which is very, very bad.

They were both festering negative traits not only toward each other, but towards other people. and as caught up in the fold of “me and you” as they were.. they didn’t realize they shouldn’t be standing by each other in bad moments also.

When I say standing by? I don’t mean waiting and helping someone get to the good moments. That’s not what they did. It means standing up for the bad times. It means agreeing with everyone one another said. It means starting to mimic each other’s behavior and language. It wasn’t one sided. That I know for certain.

You can’t cheer someone on or atleast be on someone’s side when they are in the wrong. They forgot that part. Or maybe they didn’t realize. Idk.

He forced himself into being sheltered, because he was too stagnant in his life.

She forced herself to be sheltered, because she’s seen too much negativity in her life.

Both understandly ...unhealthy coping mechanisms.

But when more than one people are doing the same “bad” or “healthy” thing and they’re not actively judging or calling each other out? It’s awful. The consequences of not calling someone out or validating someone else’s bad behavior? Is detrimental to everyone involved.

And it was.

It’s like.. oh i’m gonna do this shitty thing and since you’re also doing this shitty thing and not telling me that I’m being shitty... then Ig we’re doing the right thing. Cause if more than one person does a bad thing, it’s normal. You know what type of people believe things like that?

Men with self entitledment over woman. Mean popular chideren with superiority complexes over unpopular kids. Non rapists who think they’re automatically good people for not taking woman instead of just actually good people.

Do you see the trend?

And honestly, it would’ve been different if the me I am now... or the me I’m becoming.. was more involved.

I just had my own issues. I had my own problems that caused the ruin of my friendships with them as well. I’m definitely guilty.

Individually? With him.. it was always, always jealousy and insecurity. Of “what did he have that I didn’t?” or “he’s got his shit figured out what don’t I?”

I always use to thinks she saw it too. Which is why she chose him. And if that’s true? I don’t think she saw what he had and I didn’t. I think she and I, saw my insecurity of my own ability and my doubt/distrust of myself.

Cause: in comes a kind, smart boy. a boy who is a pisces (her perfect match.. god that use to kill me. y’all don’t understand!), who is just as analytical as I was, who was a spectator, and portrayed himself similar to me. But he was a boy and he was calmer and more rational with her and just... more.

Can you imagine how I felt?

Awful.

Anyways. It’s kinda stupid. To have someone so much like you... and to feel so jealous. God and I was jealous. That he was me, but better. That she probably felt like he was exactly what she needed? That was my frame of mind. I hate myself for letting myself not only compare myself to him... but think about her choosing him over me. I did that to myself for an entire year. Can you imagine? Feeling that feeling for an entire year???? Its indescribable. Would you believe me if I said, I just recently got over it.

Cause one?

If she did choose him, that’s not okay her choice, but it was meant to happen and she wasn’t mine.

Two?

There’s a huge chance (even if I feel like unconsciously she did) that there wasn’t a choice made at all and i was being insecure (could be both).

And Three?

One day... one day theres going to be someone that chooses me. It doesn’t matter who it is. It doesn’t even matter if it eventually becomes one of them (I highly doubt that for several reasons but a girl can dream), there’s going to be someone who weighs me against someone else and who is going to think, “I want her. No one else. I want her.” That’s what keeps me going on most days. The thought of one day being someone’s first choice.

Idk it’s just funny. looking back cause for a period of time he was my best friend ...cause ofc I understood him better than most... i even got to see his flaws. which should’ve made me more self aware and more loving of myself. Nope. It made me angry cause he wasn’t perfect. So why did he get chosen first. I was stupid. I was really, really dumb.

But,

I was the only one that could see these flaws in him. He not only trusted me with them, I was able to see them without him telling me. He’s may be a pisces. But i’m a virgo. And we are literally two sides of the same coin. Sister signs. It’s funny cause he’s was like a brother to me. (I wish I could have that back)

And twooooo DAMMIT he wasn’t perfect and perfection isn’t what anyone cares about!!!!! Plus it goes to show that the fact that me not being perfect? Was okay!!!!

And with her.... with her it’s a lot. A lot of miscommunication and a lot of things unsaid. And a lot of insecurity turned into misplaced anger. Most of all feelings. Fucking feelings with her ruined a lot. Cause I didn’t realize... that the way I felt... the jealousy.. the need to always be around her... the need for no one to take her away. That shit wasn’t normal. And I realized way too late to be aware that I was ruining our friendship.

Idk can someone be good or best friends with someone you know you like? I think so. I think it takes a lot of emotional resilience and willingness to move on eventually.. but yes you can.

But do I think you can be good friends or best friends with someone you like who you didn’t knowwwww that you liked? No. The answer is no. Speaking from experience when I say NO.

Dammit. I like her for a longer time than I realized. After self reflection... maybe a year or so (idk give or take a year and couple more months) before it occurred to me. That was the problem. And when I did know? I didn’t know what to do. And I was so obvious, that even she (the most oblivious person in the world) knew about it. There’s also the not accepting I was bisexual thing... and basically “dating” someone who I was trying to force myself to like because “this could not be happening.”

Little did I realize it already happened. WHYYY. i’m sorry. ehem. the thought of it gets me fucking angry upset depressed unhappy.

Because the fact I didn’t realize till it was too late for me keep the friendship or stop the fucking feelings or pay attention or not be obvious as shit (no seriously wtf is wrong w me)

it’s so outta character!

I even did something as stupid... as saying it. Who. Does. That?

Anyway... as you can see that’s still something I’m trying forgive myself (me to me: never gonna happen i hate you forever for being a fucking moron)

Also: My own past insecurities as well. I knew that they existed.. but me not acknowledging them and making them known to the people i trusted (mostly out of fear of rejections and people thinking i was too much to handle) my issues manifested themselves in the wrong relationships.

I never thought it was there job to cure me. But when they didn’t stick around, it hurt. When they did something minor, it was huge. When I had some type of feeling of self doubt? I panicked.

I had high expectations, because the people and circumstances and life before C.J. was a lot. It destroyed me in a way. And for the longest time.... I held my pain over everything in. And suddenly I got best friends not treating me the way I would like... (which is sad but not that bad) .. i was sobbing my eyes out like someone killed my dog or something.

I had so many issues. I got by different individuals and different phases of my life, and I bled on them. I painted with it. And sure sometimes I had reasons to be upset. But if I was valid they were as well. I’ll always be sorry for that.

Cause if I was different. If I had handled my problems and trusted myself and just.. got over some things? I could’ve been a better friend.

Just... Idk. As I was saying I had a hand to play in the literal destruction of both my close.. best friend relationships. It’s sad. Trust me when I say I didn’t do it alone. But I was part of it.

And then I latched onto the next closest thing to me. Another good friend... who didn’t need my bullshit, but who got it anyways cause I was an emotional mess and she was too. Idk she kinda became my best friend of that. And I was a leach on her. And I’m always afraid she’s gonna be sick of me... cause i forced her into a best friend relationship that she didn’t actually want. idk idk idk. We haven’t talked in almost a month cause I stopped... hitting her up first. And when I left it was kinda weird. And I immediately deleted social media the night before I was leaving. So yeah.

idk i’m getting better with myself ...but this friend thing is still hard. and i want a best friend. but i fear what will occur if i do. either what i’ll do to mess it up or what they’ll do to hurt me.

maybe i should just stay best friendless forever? sounds like a sad life. but hey.

•••

anyways. I could’ve helped them in a way the needed if i was just... better. Everyone needs to figure things out and find things on their own. But it never hurts to take the journey with them. Stop and wait when they get there. Sit in the car as they go in... (unless they ask you to step out and join them)..but stay for the ride. And wait for the next one. that type of thing. it’s how i see it anyways.

Idk... We all had our things... and I’m really good at dealing with other people’s things. But my anger and jealousy and insecurity projected. And I realized at the time I couldn’t be. I tried despite that. But i wasn’t really acknowledging why i felt those things. Just that I did. Now I am. and it’s sorta kinda too late? He’s still cool with me. She’s not. But it’s not the same. And I don’t know if i’ll get to that place and system of closeness ever again.

Or if it’s the right thing to do to get close with the same people. Especially considering.. not even gonna talk about that .. but idk. Time will tell I guess. It’s just funny. Everytime something happens. Everytime I got a story to tell... what leads me to tumblr? Is that I don’t have them to talk to. Ironically? This helped a lot. But this. They’re usually the first people I want to talk to. I just can’t anymore. And I gotta be okay with that.

•••

Anyways, I love them. I’ll always love them. And if we never meet .. and when i say meet i mean souls... if our souls never meet the same way again... then i wish them so much peace of mind, so much growth, so much love and success. just everything that would or could make them happy. i hope they find it.

And as much as it hurts me to say. I wish them each other. Cause they’re growing.

And everyone needs a friend to cheer them on.

They were always one of each other’s biggest cheerleaders.

They need that again.

Cause they’re different people now.. people that deserve to be cheered on.

I just hope they remember,

they’re always gonna have a few more than one person pushing them on the sidelines.

so many more...

so many players on their team.

so many coaches to teach them.

so many more more cheerleaders if they’d open their eyes.

even me.

especially, me.

Love, Erin.

You throw my past in my face because u see me growing and learning & that intimidates u. That anger and disrespect is a reflection of yourself… Do better.

#love erin #talking with erin #talks w eri #personal #a letter to them #letters for me #rant #moving on #self love #love for others

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