#funnily enough accurately describes the overall feeling of watching that show

[shoechoe]

this image is from the ren and stimpy adult party cartoon by the way if you're curious

[awakeneddragon]

List of Kin Experiences

A while back, I decided to compile a list of various experiences that I’ve had that I consider to be at least slightly non-human in nature. I thought I would finally share it here. 

The basic layout/template was made by @a-dragons-journal, but the writing is my own.

Phantom Limbs: This is a common thing to experience in the otherkin community, and describes feeling limbs that are not physically there. Though my own experiences with this are quite tame in comparison to others (as some have reported being able to feel when these “limbs” are touched), this is something that I’ve gone through for many years without thinking too much of it. 

Feeling myself having claws/talons was a regular occurrence for me. Though I couldn’t “see” their specific appearance, I definitely knew they were there and was able to “move” them. This was an involuntary and consistent thing that happened. I remember being pretty insistent on keeping my nails long due to this, and it always felt wrong when they were clipped.

Feeling a tail was somewhat common as well, as were ears that would flatten or raise themselves depending on my emotions/what was happening around me. My teeth also sometimes felt sharper than they actually are. I don’t experience most of these as much as I used to, but not to the point that they’re rare.

Connection To Dragons: I’ve always had a large fascination with dragons. I'd become really attached to dragon characters in media and overall just connected with them more than other types of characters. 

I remember how I would sometimes imagine myself having a dragon form, and one of the imaginary friends I had was also a dragon. When I learned of the existence of roleplaying on the internet, my characters almost always had something to do with them (could transform into one, had a dragon ally, etc.) Whenever a movie, show, game, or whatever else depicted a dragon (no matter their role), my interest was immediately piqued. 

I became really interested in learning more about the different types and the many stories that have been written about them. I remember being upset when learning that a lot of the stories were of dragons being portrayed as cruel, selfish, and violent, as that didn't match my perception of them at all. I always saw them as these incredibly intelligent and gentle creatures that only attacked when threatened, or at least believed them to have more of a variety of personalities than what the media displays them to have. 

I would also cling onto anything that suggested the possibility of them existing elsewhere, either in the past or in the present. Even as a kid I believed in different dimensions and the possibility of "mythological" creatures existing in ones separate from ours or on separate planets. Anything that connected me specifically to dragons was always a delight as well, such as me learning that I was born in the year of the dragon. Though zodiacs to most people are often seen as dismissible nonsense, it truly meant something to me and admittedly still does.

Connection To Nature/Elements: Though it’s a fairly normal occurrence even for those who are non-otherkin, being out in nature is incredibly calming to me. However, what may set other people’s experiences and mine apart is the sense of familiarity I feel or the urges I experience in certain locations. There have been multiple occasions where I’ve told myself, “I swear I’ve been here or somewhere similar before”, despite the fact that I never actually have. 

With weather, nothing calms me more than being outside when it’s cold and windy. It’s a feeling of pure euphoria that I don’t really experience from anything else, and usually succeeds in making me feel like running around on all fours and just generally doing various animalistic things.

In terms of elements, I’ve always felt most connected to ice and wind, though occasionally I’ll feel a connection with water in terms of small bodies of it (rivers, streams, etc.) or storms.

Self-image: Though I often liked to imagine myself as a dragon when I was younger, this habit became much more significant when I acknowledged my draconity and remembered the appearance of my past form. Ever since this discovery, in my day to day life it’s impossible for me to see myself as entirely human. I know that I’m not, and there is no denying that fact for me. Whatever I’m doing; whether that be typing, walking, or eating… It’s become almost instinctual for me to envision my dragon form in the place of my human body. When I look in the mirror, my normal appearance just feels so unnatural in comparison to my kintype. 

Non-human Noises: Making noises that are more similar to the sounds an animal would make is something that I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember. It’s my instinctive reaction to a lot of emotions. Snarling, growling, and hissing are all sounds that I commonly make, though on rare occasions I have made low rumbles that could be considered some sort of purr. Making and listening to these sounds is comforting to me. You can hear an example of some of the noises I make in my blog.

Movement/Expression: I don’t think I could even give an accurate number to the amount of times I’ve wanted to walk on all fours. I haven’t attempted to in a long time since I know it won’t be as satisfying as I’d like it to be, but imagining it feels so much more natural than walking on two legs. 

Another notable thing for me is how unnatural it sometimes feels to use forks and spoons when eating. It doesn’t really matter what it is; I usually prefer to eat things with my hands. As you can imagine, I’ve always been a bit of a messy eater, though I do at least know now to keep my manners in check. 

When experiencing anger, I often feel the urge to bare my teeth and/or dig my nails into whatever they’re in contact with.

In addition to this, I got in the habit of copying the movements of various dragon characters (Toothless, Spyro, Draco, Haku, etc.) They always felt more “right” to me.

Combat Instincts: The few times I’ve had a heated interaction with someone, I often felt the urge to claw them instead of punching them like most other humans would do in a fight. In fact, when I was a very young kid, my first instinct was to scratch people that made me upset/uncomfortable. I’m glad that I've grown out of that habit, but it was another reason that I disliked my nails being short. I saw them as the default/best method to defend myself.

Flight Instincts: Though I’m sure many wish to fly, I’m unsure if it often reaches the intensity of the desires that I often feel. Whether I’m outside or simply seeing an image where the sky is present, my very first instinct is to fly. It’s not simply a want; it’s something that I truly believe I was able to do at some point. I can very vividly imagine and “feel” what it’s like to experience the wind against my “fur” and see the ground far beneath me. This urge usually arrives in my mind before reality sets in and reminds me that flying isn’t possible with this form, and it’s something that gives me a deep level of sadness that is unmatched by almost anything else. 

Prey Drive: This is a very rare thing for me, though I figured it was notable enough to include. On a few occasions when watching documentaries, I have been able to easily envision myself in the predators place. At the sight of the prey that it's chasing, I’ll feel the urge to sink my teeth and “claws” into them. Of course, I would never actually go out and harm an animal.

Shifts: In the otherkin community, the act of going through a shift refers to people who are temporarily feeling especially like their kintype in some way. I don’t personally experience a heightened sense of smell or sight like some others, but it is incredibly easy to see myself as my past form and I'll have an increased urge to do many of the things listed above.

Dreams: It’s become a common occurrence for dragons to in some way be involved with my dreams. Most of the time I’ll just simply come across dragons or humans that can turn into them, though occasionally I’ll have the physical appearance of my past form. I unfortunately don’t remember too much of the latter dreams, but I do know that even in the dream world, this made me incredibly happy. It just felt correct, and I remember feeling a strong sadness when waking up.

Memories: I know that the human mind can make fantasies seem incredibly possible and/or real, so I take all of these memories with a grain of salt. However, I have had several experiences that could be considered memories of some sort. Below I’ll list some notable ones.

The very first memory I had depicted my past form in a "hallway" (I don’t know how else to describe it) that was made entirely out of snow and ice. I remember being able to vaguely see my reflection on the floor, and I looked up to see a blinding white light that I'm assuming was the exit before I started to run towards it.

My second memory was myself being in a forest full of leaves on the ground. I was on top of a slope, which I skidded down. I vaguely recall there being a nearby river.

Another memory depicted me in a snowy landscape. It was in the middle of the night and I was flying high in the sky.

I also had another memory at night/late afternoon, but the sky was just bright enough for me to see dark clouds. I was standing in an open field and looking around. It was pretty windy, as well; like it was about to storm. It's a very peaceful memory for me, despite the bad weather.

The most recent one I had yet again has to do with the night, but relied more on feelings and strong urges than sight. I was running in a forest, potentially chasing after/hunting something. It felt very cool and the overall atmosphere of it was very “wintery”. 

My first memory is what gave me a basic idea of what I looked like, though it wasn’t until in other memories where my appearance was consistent that I was more confident in myself. Funnily enough, before these memories I actually didn’t think that much of eastern dragons. It wasn’t that I disliked them, but they simply didn’t cross my mind that much due to western dragons being a much more common depiction in media.

Hoarding: This is the stereotype for dragons and something I see many dragonkin discussing, but it’s something I actually don’t relate with too much nowadays. However, when I was a kid, I would collect practically anything I could find around the house or outside. Rocks (that I would often insist were rare even though they clearly weren’t), rubber bands, beads, etc. These are all things that most people would consider worthless, but at the time they were special to me and I kept all of these items in a box that I was quite protective of.

Dens/Small Spaces: I remember when I was a kid, my mother and I built a pillow fort. I would hide and curl up inside it at every opportunity, as it made me feel incredibly content and safe. I have a similar urge whenever I see dens in movies and games. If I’m playing something that has caves, dens, or any other kind of small area, it’s very common for me to stop whatever I’m doing to just relax in these locations for a while.

And that concludes the list. I may update this whenever I recall anything else I find worth mentioning. My journey of being dragonkin has definitely been an interesting one, and I’m glad that I decided to become more involved in the community. Aside from some difficult times, being otherkin has had an overall positive impact on my life. It’s resulted in me meeting new people, feeling a sense of closure with myself that I’ve been lacking for as long as I can remember, and learning new things about dragons and the cultures of various places around the world.

[quu-kii]

Jake Gyllenhaal Filmography Ranking

My personal ranking of all Jake Gyllenhaal movies from October Sky onwards with some brief thoughts on each of the movies. Honestly the exact number ranking of these movies is probably not super accurate and could be liable to changes, but I tried my best with the ordering.  

Amazing Tier (My favorites)

1. Brokeback Mountain - This is such an emotional and heartbreaking movie. I knew it was going to have a sad ending going into it, but still I was not prepared for how strongly it hit me in the feels. And it’s not just the ending that is sad; you can tell that the love between the two leads is doomed from less than the midpoint of the movie, and it keeps going downhill from there. Overall, I think the movie is a perfect tragic love story. As well, there’s this very subtle and natural feeling to the whole movie that is difficult to describe but works really well. There’s just something truly special about this movie that makes me want to place it as the #1 best of Jake’s movies.

2. Nightcrawler - A highly suspenseful movie with an amazing lead performance by Jake as the sociopathic lead character Lou Bloom. Jake is really a big part of what makes the movie great, as he is such a strong focus of it. Lou acts so off, but it’s just impossible to take your eyes off him, and he is so interesting to watch since you keep wondering what he will do next. The other part of what makes this movie great is the writing and dialogue. There are just so many memorable and great lines, especially for Lou. Along with these factors, the subject matter of the movie, that of the career of selling violent news footage to news stations, is pretty unique, and there are some interesting ideas and themes in the movie as well relating to success and the news media. Overall I really love this movie. If there’s one thing I would say I might not like about the movie, it is the music. It can have an uplifting and hopeful vibe in dark scenes, which lessens the tense mood of some scenes. But I understand that the music was made to reflect Lou’s mood in the scene, which is a very interesting decision in itself and helps add to Lou’s character, since you can notice the contrast between how disturbing the scenarios he is in are and how Lou himself feels in such scenarios. So I at least admire the music for this aspect.

3. Enemy - A tense and psychological movie. I really love the heavy and surreal atmosphere of this movie, added to by the yellowish filter which is present throughout the whole movie as well as the score, which is ominous and used to amazing effect in the movie to enhance the dark mood. Also, I think this movie is both enjoyable when taken in at face value, being about a man who finds that there is a doppelganger of himself, and when looking deeper at what the “real” story is, taking into account the symbolism and various small details placed throughout the movie. It’s an interesting movie to think about due to its openness to interpretation. And lastly, Jake does a great job playing the two lead characters in the movie; despite the characters looking the same, they give off quite a very different vibe.

4. Spider-Man: Far from Home - My favorite MCU movie. I love so many things about this movie: how it deals with the aftermath of the Blip in a light way, how it deals with Peter Parker’s character after Endgame and his desire to just be able to have a normal life, the overall story, the setting being Europe and having this fresh vacation feeling, the fight scenes, and of course Mysterio. Along with this, it has great music (especially Mysterio’s theme) and probably the best mid credits and post credits scenes in the MCU due to their plot relevance. All of the characters are very likeable too, from Peter and all his classmates and teachers to others like Nick Fury and Mysterio, which is important to me since likable characters is one of the most important aspects to me in any kind of story. This movie was such a pleasant surprise after Endgame, which was a great disappointment to me. Also, this movie is special to me because it’s how I discovered the awesomeness of Jake and thus indirectly the reason why I watched all his movies and made this list in the first place. I’m not sure if a future MCU movie can top this for me, but who knows.

 Great Tier

5. Nocturnal Animals - A harsh movie with an interesting structure of having two main stories, with one of the stories being a story within the main story (I will call this story the 2nd story for brevity). I think the 2nd story is where the movie really shines. This story was so tense and much more interesting to follow compared to the main story, and Jake portrayed the emotions of anguish and despair so well in it. It’s also interesting to think about how the 2nd story links with the main story, which gives more depth to the overall story of the movie. I find this and Brokeback Mountain to be the most emotionally harrowing of Jake’s movies, which is definitely a compliment since I admire when a work is able to make me feel so strongly. Also, I have to note that I disliked that there was a random jumpscare in the middle of the movie. It doesn’t lower my opinion of the movie, but I really don’t like jumpscares and did not expect one in this movie.

6. Source Code - A really solid sci-fi movie about Jake’s character repeating through a time loop. It is the only Jake movie to make me cry due to me being a sucker for tragic scenarios involving time loops/parallel worlds. It was just a very engaging movie to watch due to the intriguing premise and the very good execution of said premise.

7. Zodiac - I didn’t know that this movie was based off true events until almost the end of it. So the whole time, I was expecting there to be a conclusive ending when there was no way this would be the case, since the Zodiac killer case to this day hasn’t been solved. Because of this, I felt initially disappointed about this movie from a story perspective, since all the clues from the movie seemed to lead to nothing. This is my biggest “flaw” about the movie (and it’s not really the movie’s fault), but this factor aside I really liked this movie. Jake, RDJ, and Mark Ruffalo are all great in it, and I love murder mysteries so much, so the story had me hooked on this alone. It’s so interesting to watch the characters piece together clues for the case and try to unravel the mystery, as well as seeing how the case progresses (or well, doesn’t progress at times) over the years. Also, this movie just feels really good to watch; as in, the scenes and shots flow together so well. It’s a great movie overall I think.

8. The Sisters Brothers - A western with a kind of laid back feel to it. Also supposedly it is a comedy, but I found it not funny at all. It’s not that I see the movie attempting jokes and find that they don’t work; it’s more like I don’t see the attempt at humor at all, unless maybe it’s kind of a weird dark humor thing. Anyways, I really like this movie, and it’s mostly because I really like the main four characters and their dynamics with each other. Jake does a great job playing his character John Morris and has an accent which is pleasant to my ears, though I was sad that he (as well as Riz Ahmed) wasn’t in the movie more. Even though I was watching the movie for Jake, I found myself liking John C. Reilly’s and Joaquin Phoenix’s characters, the two leads, a lot as well. It’s a movie that shines because of the characters for me.

Very Good Tier

9. Donnie Darko - A pretty unique coming of age story with sci-fi elements. I’m still not sure what to think of this movie, though I think I liked it. Some of my favorite scenes are where Donnie goes off on these rants about what he believes to be the truth. These scenes are amazing to me.

10. Prisoners - I actually find the story of this movie to be not that great. However, what elevates the movie is Hugh Jackman and Jake and their amazing performances. Funnily enough, I found myself siding with Hugh’s character and against Jake’s as they both simultaneously tried to solve the case. Also, this movie is just really exciting and engaging to watch and is maybe one of the easiest to recommend movies on this list due to these factors.

11. The Day After Tomorrow - This isn’t a very deep movie or anything, but it’s a really solid disaster flick in my opinion. I love the visuals, and Jake is such a cutie in this movie, a factor that really elevates it for me.

12. The Good Girl - It looked like a comedy or something from the outside, but actually this is a rather bleak movie. It’s one of the duology of the Jake-being-into-older-married-women movies (and the much better of the two for me). I find this movie pretty underrated.

13. October Sky - It’s an uplifting and inspiring movie, and I love how Homer’s relationship with his father is portrayed here.

14. Okja - I love the stylized vibe of this movie. Jake isn’t in the movie that much, but I really like every time he shows up. He goes full wacky here and it’s fun to watch.

15. Brothers - Tobey Maguire is the real star here. I think he was great in the movie and I could really feel the emotions of his character, especially after he comes back from the war and is in a troubled state of mind.

16. Stronger - A good based on real life movie about a survivor of the Boston Marathon Bombing. Jake does a great job as usual, and I think the emotions of the story came through well.

17. Wildlife - A really simple and subdued story about a family, but I think it works well in the movie. It has a very quiet and natural feeling to it.

Ok Tier

18. Demolition - A quirky feeling movie about a guy trying to deal with the death of his wife. The scene with Jake dancing in the city is my favorite part. Also I thought Jake’s friendship with the kid in the movie was a highlight.

19. Bubble Boy - It's kind of a dumb movie with some maybe offensive humor, but I thought it was pretty enjoyable regardless. Jake is so adorable as the main character Jimmy, and it was fun to follow his journey across the country and seeing all the interesting characters he meets.

20. Proof - I thought it was pretty good, but then the movie ended just when I thought it was starting to ramp up the story to the conclusion. This factor brought the movie down for me.

21. Life - The monster design for this movie was pretty cool, and I liked the ending and the general space horror vibe. However, I didn’t feel much for any of the characters.

22. Everest - It was ok, but I wasn’t really into any of the characters here.

23. Southpaw - I think this movie is very impressive for Jake’s resume, considering how he trained a lot and learned boxing for it. However as a movie itself, I didn’t really feel much for it and felt like it wasn’t doing much special in the story department. I liked some of the parts in the earlier half though.

24. End of Watch - I just wasn’t feeling this movie. Maybe it was the found footage style or something. I feel a bit sad about not digging this movie since I see it is generally one of the more well liked ones in Jake’s filmography.

25. Jarhead - I really don’t like the vulgar tone throughout this movie, but I do like the general story and message. Also the movie looks really good.

Not That Great Tier

26. Velvet Buzzsaw - I love Jake’s character Morf so much as well as the general premise. However the movie itself wasn’t too great: I found most of the characters besides Jake’s to be unlikable, and also the movie felt cheap. It’s very disappointing since the concept for the movie (horror in an art gallery) seems so promising.

27. Prince of Persia - This was the first Jake movie I saw back in the day around the time of its theater release. I have to say I find this to be Jake’s weakest acting performance out of all his movies. For me, good acting is when the actor feels very natural as the character and is somehow magnetizing to watch. But for some reason I did not get a very natural vibe from Jake as Dastan in this movie. I do think he looks very beautiful in this movie though with his long hair, so that’s a big plus. The story of this movie feels pretty cliché and kind of lifeless in a way, but I still liked it alright.

28. Highway - I don’t really like the sleazy tone of this movie. However, I think Jake is very adorable in this movie and has this pure wide-eyed vibe about him (despite him being a drug dealer and sleeping with prostitutes and such).

29. Rendition - I found this movie to be aggressively boring for the most part. There’s this subplot which I was unsure why I should even care about until a reveal near the end of the movie, when it was too late to start caring at all. However Jake in a bloody shirt towards the beginning of the movie makes for some good screencaps and gifs, and I learned about the term extraordinary rendition through searching about it after the movie.

30. Moonlight Mile - I guess this movie might be considered technically good because it tells the story it sets out to do fairly well, but I just found it very boring. There is a part towards the end with Jake’s character being very emotional which I really liked.

31. Lovely & Amazing - It's actually decent, but really not my type of movie. It’s the 2nd of the duology of the Jake-being-into-older-married-women movies.

 Just No Tier

32. Accidental Love - I actually enjoyed the beginning parts of this movie (though what’s with the constant dutch angles in the earlier parts?), and ironically it is around the point of the introduction of Jake’s character where I felt like it started to nosedive. I felt my soul slipping away and my IQ dropping by the end of the movie.

33. Love & Other Drugs – I really, really don’t like this kind of raunchy sex comedy movie. That’s all.