#fun to develop! but I don't have many ideas
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It doesn't matter.
If you have done everything you can to try to get the life you want and nothing works, it doesn't matter why you got that way. All that matters is don't keep trying to get love and letting people use your desire for it against you.
I'm pretty sure it's not actually real. And it's just something they made up to sell soap.
So that's the model I work with.
As long as I refuse to allow myself to believe anyone loves me, everything works out well. When I break that, people hurt me.
People will guilt you into saying it's because you don't pick the right people but no matter what criteria you use it's always the same. And no matter what treatments you apply to yourself, it's always the same. And no matter how many new styles of communication you learn to talk to other people, it's always the same.
For me the only thing that kind of worked was doing sex work and being super fake and having several hundred shallow fake relationships that had a lot of sex and weren't boring and miserable, because whenever I've tried to not date and just hang out and do other things like working or something either people bother me all the time and are really mean and annoying or they are always "conveniently" introducing me to people they want to fix me up with. Men and women and like? Those people are always basically on the same emotional level as the people I have already dated and seem really shy and kind of uninterested in me. When I talk them out of their shell, they seem still shy, like they basically admire me for not seeming shy to them and like how I dress but don't have anything in common with me and we wouldn't have anything to talk about, or they have kind of a mental picture of a type of super assertive girl who will be into their lack of experience and want to like... put spices on them and let them sit on the counter top for a full moon cycle and then write out a recipe for them that they can use to attract someone who will love them now that they aren't virgins or something, and they don't want to admit that to me up front, which is very mean to do, to want someone to like... be your character development without asking and then not let them prepare to be left with nothing from that interaction in exchange for being a cute story you talk about with your future spouse or whatever.
Most people don't seem to want a relationship with a particular person or a particular type of relationship or even like have considered their own potential deal breakers. Not "I didn't realize this thing I thought everyone did wasn't a thing everyone did" or "i was wrong about my needs in certain areas" or whatever. They genuinely have no idea like what they do for fun that is a group activity, and they make you spend like an hour trying to figure out what they want every time they want something and most of the time when you give it to them they're unhappy.
It's like people want me to be in a relationship just so I'll be in a relationship and other people want to be in a relationship with me just to be in a relationship and even people with lots of money who can leave and who spend all their time complaining about their relationship don't want to leave their relationship. And when I'm like "I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I'm broke or whatever and I wouldn't be able to leave a relationship easily." People are like *shocked pika* why wouldn't you go enter into a relationship with someone who wants to date you based on you having a normal level of kind conversation that you would have with a person on the street and being able to give them sex? Why would you not want to break up with the person you are dating and date a random old man who did your boss a favor once because he gave you a ride in his truck? Why would you not just let other people make major life decisions for you? Why are you not jumping at every chance we give you when it doesn't look or feel right?
It feels like the goal of the whole thing is having someone else to blame for your problems. I don't wanna do that to someone. I hate when stuff isn't my fault and I have to suffer for it anyway. That's why I cut my own hair and pierce my own ears and stuff. So if it gets messed up, it's just an accident and it's because I have never done that before and I just need to figure out how to fix it and I can take all the time I need instead of trying to like... figure out the magic buttons to push to get someone who broke something to be willing to admit they messed up and will try to fix it and like... having to wonder if I can trust them if they're a specially trained and certified expert and they aren't better at doing something than a person who went on the internet and read a tutorial and kind of guessed.
Idk. It's like if you told me most people in the world don't like sex or dating or anything and they aren't in love either and there's like some kind of mystic force that attacks people who don't live with a partner by such and such a time and have a kid by such and such a time and no one told me? I'd totally be like
"That explains everything."
Was I raised without love or was I born unlovable?
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BDSM: A Fanfiction Rec List
This week, we have BDSM! Check under the cut for 10 fics that explore and feature all things kinky and BDSM, and don't forget to comment and kudos if you like them!
Attraction is just a form of Gravity by ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat (201070, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
Caleb had caught Essek's attention immediately. And ever since, this strange little neglected attraction has been bothering him. He initiates a mutually beneficial arrangement upon realizing that Caleb's interests match his own surprisingly well. A purely physical, transactional deal.
Reccer says: This is one of my fav fics, one I’ve read more than once. The development of the relationship and feelings, the character portrayals, and the brilliant weaving of a kink negotiation conversation throughout the chapters is all just so good. The sex is also incredibly hot. I learned some things about myself. I feel like BDSM is well represented in this, including negotiations and the importance of after care and usage of safe words.
Research Method by AnaliseGrey (3819, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn
There are many things that Essek loves about Caleb. He’s kind, and he’s gentle, but it’s his patience Essek is currently occupied with. Caleb’s terrible, obnoxious levels of patience.
Reccer says: Another scorching hot fic!
cuz you are bigger than the planet earth, and I am your satellite by allmadeofstardust (6085, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
Essek & Caleb do some research into a type of magic that can unlock all new explorations (in the bedroom) in the library. (Spoilers: it's suspension bondage - dunamancy style)
Reccer says: I wrote this! And honestly it's one of the sexiest smut fics I've written. It has intense body worship, severe power dynamics, a beloved amount of trust, and some fun exploration of dunamancy usage in the bedroom. Plus, it features the wizards being nerds purely for sexual pleasure. What's sexier than wizards?
coping skills by eldritchmochi (251061, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: None
Modern with magic bdsm au.
Reccer says: So much good in this fic! Wonderful and respectful exploration of disability, and many Super hot sex scenes
Artificer Devices from Late-Period Aeor: An Experimental Interpretation from Arcane Reconstruction to Functionality (E. Thelyss, C. Widogast) by renquise (5858, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: None
Essek and Caleb find a fuck machine in Aeor. Caleb recreates it for Essek.
Reccer says: Essek strapped down to a fuck machine? Absolutely love.
i cannot throw "i love you" very far by SaltCore (3427, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
Caleb needs a break from his thoughts. Essek provides.
Reccer says: This one is more sentimental & sweet, and the description of what subspace looks like from an outside perspective is great!
i don’t need gravity, I just need growth by mojo_da_jojo (20686, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
Caleb stumbles upon a smut novel in Essek's possessions that reveals one of Essek's longtime fantasies. Essek, of course, is mortified. Caleb, however... Caleb has ideas. M
Reccer says: This fic is so incredibly hot! If overstimulation and embarrassed kinky role play sound like a good time, this will be your cup of tea!
the ties that bind you hold my heart by LivThael (4330, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
Essek takes his time with taking a happily-bound Caleb apart at the seams. There's some talk of some fun things they could do together in the future, too.
Reccer says: It's both hot and sweet! Essek is a very capable Dom here AND Caleb gives HIM aftercare too. This is the first part of a series that only gets hotter from here!
Pop Quiz by CatgirlTheCrazy (1250, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
It turns out that words like "tentacle" and "tendril" are not interchangeable synonyms, and neither is an accurate term for what an octopus has. Caleb is not allowed to come until he can show that he thoroughly understands this.
Reccer says: Smoking hot tentacle action but it's also funny and just plain weird in the best, most fun way possible
forever is just the beginning by burningafterdark (burningdarkfire) (3580, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes
Caleb receives a new book from Essek, with the agreement that Essek can use him however he likes when he’s reading it.
Reccer says: I think the device of the book is very fun, and both of the characters relish the roles they are playing within their game.
This is one of our weekly communally-generated Shadowgast rec lists. Every week we announce a new theme and allow anyone to submit a fic recommendation.
And hey, anyone includes you!
Next week, we'll be featuring fanfics featuring Ludinus Da'Leth, Any fics coming to mind? Well, then use this form to submit!
#shadowgast#caleb widogast#essek thelyss#cr fic recs#fan fiction rec list#critical role fan fiction#aeor is for lovers#cr fics#cr fic
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2024 Writing Reflections
Thank you @little-paperboat, what a nice tag to receive, really interesting to reflect on these questions. I'm not sure who may not have a tag, here are some no pressure ones if you would like to join and an open invitation (no seriously, I really like this one I want to tag everyone lol)💛 @wakacreations @thylyre @faetouchedfool @barbwillbrb @lolliputian
What's been your biggest learning point this past year?
To embrace the joy of writing. This meant trying new things or putting them out there or just writing what spoke to me. Writing "easy" and not worrying about my prose - if I just wanted to write fun dialogue with the same damn dialogue tags, then go for it babe, let those blorbos yap. If I wanted to put in the most cliche, in-your-face metaphor, smack that literary device on the arse and send it out! If I had a short idea that I thought was fun, I could share it as a fic, or a post, or even just a message amongst people who like similar things. The more I embraced the joy of it just for its own sake the less anxious I felt about it.
How has your writing developed this past year?
Writing sexually explicit content. I'm very cautious about the explicit content I consume for my own psychological comfort, and it was quite liberatory to be in control of the writing and know what was going to happen, and definitely allowed my writing to grow in depth, gain a new skill, and explore more heavy and intimate themes.
Bad writing habits?
I get impatient and want to be done with something even when I know the editing isn't quite finished and then spend the next hour frantically making edits after it's uploaded.
Favorite thing you wrote?
I feel like this changes every time I reflect on it, probably because I like them for different reasons.
For now, I'm going to say Part 10, the main "concluding" part of the NB series. I was absolutely exhausted after I wrote it.
I'll also say chapter 10 in The Elturian Prodigy, because in it Rolan begins to figure out the events of Descent into Avernus, and I was proud to be able to come up with how he might do it that didn't seem super obvious but that an intelligent character could reason through.
Biggest win?
Finding support and kindness that uplifted me to such an extent that it has changed the trajectory of my life. I'm part of the many folks who have found their joy and creativity again thanks to fandom writing and the overwhelming and unexpected kindness of people in the online community spaces. I even had some people in real life remember I was trying to write again and ask how it was going and I had to not be a big emotional mess about it. Thank you online writing friends <3
Your favorite words of the year, aka the words you check each chapter for, making sure you didn't repeat them 788 times?
Everyone is always breathing in various ways. Lots of deep breaths, huffing, snorting, air catching in throats. Or chuckling in various dry, wry, ways. Or brows doing various things; raising, creasing, cocking.
This is a ridiculous sentence, but I had to take a moment in the middle of the NB series and check I wasn't overdoing twat, bastard, and feck and turning it into a caricature. (There's a part where Rugan says "Every other word out of your mouth is 'feck this' or 'bastard that'" which was absolutely me calling myself out lol).
Goals for the new year?
I think I responded to this elsewhere, but in this moment I am thinking...
Just don't stop reading and writing, keep practicing and growing.
Always remember the kind words of internet friends that have made you have faith in yourself.
Keeping working on the ongoing WIPs.
I think, if I'm being honest, I would really love to finally get something original self-published or close to it by the end of 2025. As the saying goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, but the second best time is now.
What are you excited for in the new year?
Well I'm in the middle of a couple of interviews, so getting hired would be good because life has thrown a lot around recently that won't be letting up any time soon. Fingers crossed.
I got some books for Christmas and my anniversary before that I'm looking forward to reading. Just finished the First Law trilogy.
Getting through some more of my fic WIPs and moving towards completion of those projects.
Some more cheeky tags because this is a great tag game if you are interested @vera-king-hrfl @beesht @ashprince-of-bel-air @alpydk @dutifullylazybread
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OC Fact #62
Happy mermay! Let's talk about my lil' guy!
Affectionately called Guppy (a nickname from @corrupted-tale that just stuck since I can't come up with names lmaoo), he's a little ghost mermaid that accompanies Myrie :)
He's based off a lamprey, and therefore is a parasite! Unfortunately, his body wasn't found by other mermaid communities, so his soul couldn't be released, so he lives as a ghost. In order to thrive, he feasts off happiness.
Cut to Myrie, the angstiest teen ever, maybe.
Guppy is able to cause strong visions that make people feel happy, and then he feeds off that. That's what he did with Myrie for so long.
He's just a lil' guy :) lil' baby boy little kid did nothing wrong in his life little meow meow
#oc#oc fun fact#sona: Myrie#oc: Guppy#don't have a name for this specific world lol#fun to develop! but I don't have many ideas#the og idea for guppy was a lot different but I like him more :)#artbabble-tm
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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the CEO of NIANTIC liked my art on twitter?!?!?!?! 🫠 I am passing away 👻
#auropost#also i erased one of those ugly as shit ape nfts in the icons#no one needs to see that#ANYWAYS UH#THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE.......... REAL.........#i had the realization earlier that i'm pretty sure mark fucking zuckerberg has walked around inside of my artwork#because figmin xr was part of the world press tour of the launch of the latest meta headset#and he was like. there. yknow#and it's slowly dawning on me how batshit insane my trajectory as an artist has been over the past year#like this is sooooooooo not normal. i didn't go to college and i had zero industry experience#for many intents and purposes i don't know shit lmao#and yet?!?!? i am considered an expert in this field?#i literally just got off a call with a developer asking me to help with their vr art app#and i'm going to soon be hosting regular xr art workshops in LA#and as someone who has social anxiety i have literally no idea how i'm doing any of this#i just really love art and i really love helping people make art#and somehow that overrides the anxious part of my brain i guess?!?#I DUNNO!!!!! i'm just playing around and having fun!!!!!#anyways if you've read this far thanks for sticking with me on this journey#i know it's been a huge pivot from celestial prints to Futuristic Hologram Art#but i appreciate everyone who has been curious enough to stick around and see where this leads
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2024 Fic Masterpost - Voltron
Realizing I used to have a nice clean Tumblr page for this, but I figured I should have SOMETHING to put all my recent fics together somewhere!
In case this breaches containment, I write hurt/comfort pretty exclusively, and most of my works have minor TWs. I'm a Keith stan at heart, but I've been trying to branch out on how much I involve other characters.
Short Chapter Fics:
5 Times Lance Doesn't Matter +1 Time He Finally Does
15k - complete
Lance-centric with a strong focus on Keith later
mid-canon to post-canon timeline & canon plausible
gen platonic paladins & Lance; implied pre-Klance
TW for short-term alcohol abuse & emeto
14k for the main story, +1k at the end as an optional bonus chapter (how I was originally going to write the fic before it turned into a 5+1)
Smiling 'cause you're used to it (a house that's always haunted)
12k - complete
Keith-centric
pre-Kerberos & canon plausible
Broganes
lots of TWs! emeto, implied child abuse, implied off-screen alcohol abuse by an OC, description of injury, implied bullying, implied self-harm, implied eating disorder
chapter 4 has art!
Chemicals, chemicals in my brain (where'd you go, where'd you go anyway?)
7k - reads as complete, but may get one more chapter
Keith-centric
early canon & canon plausible-ish
Broganes & implied pre-Klance
TW for forced drug use & emeto
5 Times Keith Relies on the Blade +1 Time...
10k - 5/6 chapters published
Keith-centric
mid-canon, during Keith's time as a Blade
mostly Keith & Blades, some Keith & paladins
TW for injury, but it's not super detailed
intended to follow On it, yes, indeed (on it, watch me bleed) but like... I'm not gonna stop you from reading it on its own
Oneshots:
On it, yes, indeed (on it, watch me bleed)
2.5k - complete
Keith-centric
mid-canon, just before Keith joins the BOM full-time & canon-plausible
gen with some implied Kuron fuckery
TW for injury, not very detailed
it has art at the ao3 link, you should go look!
With talk of love (as I make-pretend)
10k - complete
POV Lance, Klance-centric, canon divergent
early-ish canon, before the lion switch
baby's first ship fic, actually!
TW for brief description of injury
Ficlets:
Nowhere to call home (so I'll pack and run away)
5k - complete ficlet collection (though it's the basis for a longer fic I'm working on, so you'll see more in the future if you want to)
Keith-centric
pre-canon, post-Kerberos launch, up to you whether you consider it canon plausible because I took some liberties (but it converges back to canon episode 1 by the end)
gen (it's Keith alone in the desert; kind of hard to explore relationships in isolation)
the most TWs I've ever put into one work, so don't feel like you HAVE to read this fic! it's not for everyone; it's mainly for me actually. recreational drug use, vehicular accident, basic description of injuries, my personal experiences with poverty (which may not match up with yours and that's okay), starvation, emeto, mentioned animal death, slight suicidal ideation
it has a playlist linked in the first author's note!
What are you wondering? (What do you know?)
<1k - complete ficlet
Shiro-centric
pre-canon, post Galra capture, & canon plausible
gen
TW for body horror and human experimentation maybe? it's not super detailed
#my writing#i am in SHOCK that i only wrote one true oneshot this year#i know if you just joined in for my voltron phase you didn't see the way i wrote for my last fandom but#to summarize that shit was near 100% oneshots#and now i write short chapter fics#character development baby#(i like the chapter fic writing process a lot more)#and i swear i don't normally write so many ficlets but it's just something about this year#i've been really into using them to explore an idea real quick without having to go too in-depth#i know a lot of people don't like reading fics that short#but i have fun writing them so it's okay#i'll read 'em myself and you guys can just scroll past those ones if you want
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thinking so many thoughts abt iris fresh out of the vault so scared, confused, vulnerable, alone, grief about to hit in full force, and still malleable, just for poppy to be the first person to find her and she has iris wrapped around her finger for a while
#thinking lots of gut-wrenching thoughts to make miss ma'ams mental state even worse this early in her story#also to help solidify some details for funsies + actually develop the poppyiris dynamic and the complexities that come with it#was even thinking abt them both being the ones to give the other their face scars#plus I can have fun with iris's design bc I decided her fresh out the vault look is one of her older iterations from way back when–#and her current look is after she meets and becomes closer with nicky and he cuts her hair for her :]#I love rambling abt iris bc I just /don't/ talk abt her in depth beyond a select few close friends lmao so like iykyk I guess#I just have SO many new ideas since thinking up poppy being iris's first companion bc it just hurts so fucking good#also random nonsense that only I care abt:#a few weeks ago went bananas over imaging them playing co-op vampire survivors bc likeeee#the implications of iris picking luminaire foscari and poppy picking genevieve gruyere..#oooo ooouuuoughoughhhgggggoougggh#rambling#miss ma'am iris is that you#poppy
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Except they're not all wrong and they're not "paid fanfiction." They were written with Lucas' approval and they developed the Star Wars universe in a dry spell that lasted years. The only reason they're claimed to be "not canon" now is only because of the decision Disney made ... and that was after it passed out of Lucas' hands. He never claimed any such thing. So as far as Lucas is concerned, they're as canon as anything else.
And it's true that at the same time there are story points that conflict. All that means is that you get to explore how they might or might not still fit with other pieces of the universe, such as the movies, and which pieces you think make more sense.
There is no hard core "this is wrong" statement that you can apply to published material. The EU books are just as valid as anything else. The Star Wars universe is NOT just the movies, whether anyone likes it or not. It's a bad faith move to blockade off totally valid discussion points just because you want to gatekeep the fandom. The books exist, people read them and like them, and they get to talk about them, and no one is capable of undermining that. You don't get to invalidate real SW resources just because you don't like the conclusions some people make from them.
At the point that you want to keep your headcanons informed only by the movies, that is certainly a choice you can make. But in the wider fandom, people can and do use all the material available to them. And they will have different opinions. You don't have to like them, but there's also nothing you can do to wipe them out or to somehow magically trump them because you like your resources better than theirs.
If you don't want to see those points come up in discussions then don't have those discussions. Or frame the discussion properly up front, and it can be a fun little exercise to only consider the movies.
This is just how fandom works.
I really dislike it when anti-Jedi and Jedi-critical crowd uses EU books as a prove for their points. Why they’re all wrong:
a) The books were written by various people who didn’t consult George Lucas about what they’re going to write. Everyone understood SW as they did. When an original author has never claimed such art as canon and actually refused it – this is a definition of fanfiction, isn’t it? Paid, yes, but fanfiction nonetheless.
b) Most of these books were created way before PT. They didn’t know about the Jedi things what we know now. It becomes quite hypocritical – I mean, in the EU the clones were enemies, not allies, but somehow I don’t see any claims ‘but the clones are enemies! The EU says so!’. Even in Karen Traviss books not all the clones have a personality, but we all ignore it now, aren’t we? She wrote her books before the TCW, not knowing how the series would spin the story. So EU retcon works for the clones, but not for the Jedi?
#I'm pro Jedi as much as anybody but i absolutely recognize the toxic nature of gatekeeping totally valid SW resources#there's no such thing as saying 'your positions don't matter because i don't believe in your sources'#the sources are published material. full stop. they're valid#you HAVE to do better than that to make a legitimate argument#if you don't know enough to refute the EU you can just say so#or if those discussions aren't fun for you to explore then don't explore them#nothing you can do can invalidate those sources or get rid of those positions#so you can either treat them respectfully or stay out of those fandom corners#personally i find it weird and boring to not entertain different points of view. they're all fun and they lend themselves to cool new#stories and rp and fanfic#the movies aren't great themselves btw. EU did SO many things better. (like the original clone concept)#but I'm not out there crying about the clones because i prefer the EU. i recognize that SW material is SW material#if people want to use it to headcanon all these noncanon clone representations then that's fine#likewise there's room to develop positions on the Jedi that are both supported and different from each other#and that's great actually#i don't care about the positions themselves so much as the wrong-headed idea of invalidating arguments because of personal beef with#with totally valid sources#commentary#Star Wars#also like. as mere fans your opinion simply doesn't trump real published authors. you don't have the authority or position to say published#work is 'wrong'. you can choose not to use it in your personal playground but that's all the power you get.#ordering people to not use the EU is not a thoughtful or well-developed position
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even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.
they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!
when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.
if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.
at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.
it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.
but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.
and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."
it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.
someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.
more often for me, life was a drowning.
#warm up#spilled ink#writeblr#it's hard to explain bc i do like the acceptance but it's like the ocd thing#autism is . an entire neurotype. yes we get 'cool autism powers' but we mostly say that#for OUR sake. on the autism website.#the cool autism powers do come with like. quality of life problems.#girl being in a room with LEDs gives me a headache. so you can kind of imagine how that might#in some way#influence my ability to function#will defend self diagnosis to the death as long as it is CLEAR AND LEGITIMATE. not like.#oooo i struggle talking 2 women i must be autistic#girl what. i struggle with the act of TALKING.
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I've developed so much fatigue over online radfem spaces to be honest, like yeah I still align with the politics and I don't think that'll ever really change, but I'm at a point where I can't get over the inaction of online political spaces…not saying that there's none of this happening but, we have to organize, we have to venture into the material world. There's risks that have to be discussed and addressed sure but there's more risk to staying silent & also strength in numbers. Being crypto is reasonable, but how can we move forward? These are things that need to seriously be considered for any sort of real societal shift or activism to happen, or even for us to just have irl connections which are so, so invaluable and so different from digital ones. The notion that women somehow "ruin" men's happiness through their interests and passions is a projection of men's own insecurities. From making fun of female-dominated hobbies to invalidating their emotional experiences, many men seek to undermine what women value. This pattern of behavior reflects a deeper discomfort with allowing women their own agency, especially when it doesn't align with traditional male ideals of what's important or worthy of respect. Instead of uplifting women, these actions serve to keep them in a subordinate position. Feminist fatigue with online spaces stems from the lack of real-world action. While digital platforms have allowed for the spread of feminist ideas, many activists feel that the movement has stalled. Without organizing in physical spaces, there is a risk that feminist discourse will remain theoretical and disconnected from the tangible change needed to challenge oppressive systems. Reproductive violence is a widespread form of control used by men, religious institutions, and governments to limit women's autonomy. Through the denial of birth control or abortion access, women are forced into unwanted pregnancies or childbirth, reinforcing male control over female bodies. The way internalized misogyny often manifests within certain marginalized groups is striking. frieza: Im derpy, but even I wouldnt crimb LIC. Me:
LIC…DIK…KIB… All sleping. Why is Donkey Kongs banana horde always full of sklebby Super Saiyan Forms? Go to Links kitchen of shame, and dont look back.
#radfems welcome#terfsafe#terfblr#genderideology#tras are mras#radblr#tra reciepts#male entitlement#proud misandrist
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The Great Goodreads Diss List (Part 1)
Context: For many years now, I have been collecting funny lines from Goodreads reviews to share with my coworkers. (I do collection development, reader's advisory, and weeding at a public library, so I read a LOT of reviews)
Are some of these, perhaps, rather mean? Yes, but they are also very funny, and come from a place of honest frustration. In the tradition of Bargepole threads and lists everywhere, names and titles have been censored.
"First, I want to say that I understand how hard it is to write a book and how amazing it is when it is actually published. Congrats to the author for that accomplishment. That said--"
"Warning: This review will be lengthy due to pure hatred."
"I found myself feeling really, really annoyed with the world that this book is allowed to exist. We live in a universe where the passenger pigeon is extinct but this book goes along merrily being read by unsuspecting lovers of words and ideas and stories? It just seems like too much, you know?"
"Don't do it. Don't spring the cash for the hardcover. Instead, eat an entire bag of Twizzlers, spend some money you don't have at a high-end department store, look up on Facebook the shady college boyfriend that made you cry, research the current value of your home or 401K and then read all about how the big hedge fund managers are faring during the economic crisis. You'll feel about the same stomach pain if you waste your time reading this book."
"This wretched novel begins with the mugging of an old lady and it appears I may be in the process of repeating that loathsome crime as [author] was 78 when she wrote it. It is not nice to put the boot into such a poor defenseless old creature lying there with only a damehood, a Booker Prize and a few million quid. It’s a nasty job but somebody has to do it."
"I think this is the way dead people would write, if they could."
"I am considering setting up SPABB: Society for the Protection of Accurate Book Blurb. This blurb appears to have been written by someone from the publishers who met [the author] the night before, got very drunk, lost his notes and then constructed something in a fug of hangover the next morning."
"I congratulate [the author] on the early half of his book, which was thoroughly fun and made me laugh and think. I congratulate [the author] on the second half of his book, for finishing it. It reads like that was difficult."
"…a woman whose taste in contemporary literature has roughly the same batting average as a pitcher in the National League."
"The author is a pompous windbag."
"Recommends it for: No one. Recommended to me by: A friend who apparently wished to cause me great suffering."
"Makes me wonder: is it possible to obtain similes at a volume discount?"
"The repeated phrases made me want to mail a thesaurus to the author."
"I'm disappointed in myself for finishing this book."
"if the author described [character's] eyes as "obsidian" one more time I was tempted to write her and ask if her thesaurus broke."
"They say that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters would, if given infinite time, eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. [This book], on the other hand, would probably take the average monkey just under two hours."
"I can't imagine what the author had to do to get this nadir of Western literature printed on innocent trees, but he does seem to know a LOT about being well-connected in New York."
"This book is so bad it is almost worth reading just to make you appreciate the other books you are reading."
"Reads like it was written by a brilliant author, the night before it was due."
"raises interesting questions, like: can a book be so bad as to constitute an act of terrorism"
"has this author ever spoken to a human woman"
"This acorn has fallen so far from the tree that it can’t even see the forest."
"I’m guessing they are touted as ‘beach reads’ because no one will care if they get dropped into the ocean."
"This book begins with all the energy of a hand vacuum near the end of its battery life, and the pace doesn't quicken much from there."
"At least everybody’s eyes stayed the same color this time around.”
Part 2
Part 3
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on worldbuilding, and what people think is going on
there is one facet of fantasy worldbuilding that is, to me, the most interesting and essential but i don't see it come up in worldbuilding guides or writing prompts or anything, and that is the question of:
what do the inhabitants of your world believe about how the world works, and how are they wrong? a lot of fantasy media will set up their cosmology, gods, magic systems, planar systems, concepts of the afterlife, &c., and proceed as though the inhabitants of the world know and understand them.
from someone whose entire academic career is focused on studying human culture in various regions and time periods, with a focus on belief systems (religion, occultism, mythology, folklore): that sort of worldbuilding is unrealistic and missing out on so much fun.
people are always seeking new understanding about how the world works, and they are mostly wrong. how many models of the solar system were proposed before we reached our current one? look at the long, turbulent history of medicine and our various bizarre models for understanding the human body and how to fix it. so many religions and occult/magical traditions arise from people disagreeing with or adapting various models of the world based on new ideas, methods, technologies. many of them are wrong, but all of them are interesting and reflect a lot about the culture, beliefs, values, and fears of the people creating/practising them.
there is so much more to the story of what people believe about the world than just what is true.
to be clear: i think it's fine and important for the author to have a coherent explanation for where magic comes from or who the gods are, so they can maintain consistency in their story. but they should also be asking what people in the world (especially different people, in different regions/nations and different times) think is happening when they do magic, or say a prayer, or practise medicine, or grieve their dead. it is a rich vein for conflict between individuals and nations alike when two models of the world disagree. it is fascinating how different magic systems might develop according to different underlying beliefs.
personally, i think it is the most fun to spawn many diverse models of the world, but give none of them the 'right' answer.
(bonus points if you also have a thriving academic system in the world with its own theory, research, and discourse between factions! as an academic, it is very fun to imagine fictional academic debate over the topics i'm worldbuilding. sometimes i will be working out details for some underlying mechanic of the world and start imagining the papers being written by scholars researching it)
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How would Fan react when learning about the reveal? Read my fun long ramble!
I need to put this down somewhere. Here is my fun not so structured analysis!!!! this is something i think a lot about. of course I do.
I doodled a small little graph of reactions I think he would go through that I will elaborate on further in the paragraphs below. I'm not sure about the order but it'd be something like these stages when processing it - most likely.
This is analyzed from the idea that Fan did not previously predict this in any way or expect it, but I do also suspect he might know! (Which, I'll explain later for his reaction to that.)
Fan's an incredibly emotional and impulsive person, he would definitely have a strong outer reaction to the information. This may be biased coming from me since Fan is my favorite to analyze but aside from Suitcase he would probably be handling it the worst after being told about it, OR just having the most notable reaction! This is considering he was not made to be a contestant but to devote his love, identity, and purpose to the show, which makes him revolve around the show much more than anyone else - since it is a built-in interest in him that he's dedicated his entire existence to, even when he tried to build himself beyond it- he still surrounds himself with Inanimate Insanity even after his elimination. It is forever tied to his mind and interests contrary to many contestants who try to separate from the show and competition entirely.
Fan's most substantial development in Hatching The Plan was the fact that there were many possibilities out there for him to discover for himself (and that others were there for him through that change and discovery). While he recognizes this and states on Fan's Fantastic Features that he's trying to test his limit and push past his comfort zone (notably while in a safe controlled environment where this change can occur comfortably for him) he is still "stuck" in Inanimate Insanity whether he recognizes this or not. He is at Hotel OJ, surrounded by the contestants, and he is still on MePhone4's island, like any other contestant. While Fan has convinced himself that he is more than just a fan of the show and that he is improving as a person, this development is still slow (obvious, coming from a person such as Fan who struggles with it) and he is still heavily attached to the core of his personality - the core which he was built to be in the first place. His love for the show is so clearly his own dedication and passion, and it truly does feel like his own CHOICE to love the show as much as he does. Even if he was created for it, it is a part of him that he loves and puts confidence into.
I swear these earlier points play into this bear with me,
So once Fan is told he was created by MePhone4, after the initial shock dies down, he would be in denial of it, of course, as Fan would react to any new information he had not considered about the show. Some "It can't be"s and some "There is absolutely no way"s being said by him, especially if he had not foreseen this coming. An instinctive reaction coming from Fan (which would also apply to Test Tube) is immediately questioning it, wanting answers- most definitely from MePhone4 himself. I don't think he'd believe Cobs if he told him, maybe not even Suitcase or Test Tube, he'd need to find the evidence for it and piece together if this even made sense at all.
Once he starts to consider it and all the pieces fit together for him as he looks back on everything, he'll let go of that denial. That's when it first really hits him. One of his first reactions is positive. He'd find validation in the fact he was created specifically for the show, he'd be honored and glad he was an actual piece of the show- not just a viewer or contestant, he was actually part of the show he loved so much. Fan puts a lot of his confidence into being the number 1 fan of inanimate insanity, as everyone knows, and being questioned on this or having people challenge him always strongly shows his insecurity over it. But knowing that he quite literally is, without a doubt, the biggest fan of inanimate insanity- and that he actually had this purpose and that he was made for what he loved to do- that would validate him immensely. He would thrive on his notion for a while until the existential crisis started to leap in.
He'd try to be acceptant of it, and this time around he would be in denial of his own emotions. He'd try to show how well he was taking this and to pride himself in being the biggest ii fan ever, so he puts up a confident front which is obviously not normal to anyone who sees him. He'd try his best not to think about the other implications of his existence being made for reality TV. He would try his best to appear in control and unburdened to prove to both others and himself that he was taking it well. I don't think this stage in his realization will go on for long. I think this would fluctuate a LOT depending on his mood.
At one point he does start to question himself. He overthinks his existence and his emotions, and if they are genuine- what if what he feels is fake? Just generated love? What if he truly doesn't like Inanimate Insanity? What's a real feeling from him and what's a fake one?! A million thoughts that some may not even make sense but this is where the existentialism really gets to him. Every time he felt excitement or love for the show, was that even his own emotions? Was that just made by MePhone4 so he could get some appreciation for his show- and maybe he'd get mad that MePhone4 kept dismissing him. Maybe he'd wonder why he was made if he's not being recognized and rewarded for how much dedication- if it was even his own- that he put into appreciating MePhone4, a dedication that was going unnoticed or deemed annoying by him.
Something I mentioned earlier, about Fan learning to embrace new opportunities for himself and about how he was still trapped in the show. He realizes he is forever tied to the show, and all his attempts at making changes for himself and being more than just a fan suddenly feel... meaningless to him. All he was ever made for from the start was to be a fanboy of the show, and he had tried to build himself around that. But those efforts were for nothing if this is all he ever was- just a fan. That was his entire identity, he was never anything other than that. This is all that could ever come out of him. So what was the point in trying? His shell might've been the only place he'd ever felt safe in anyways- and once he remembers it, his old coping mechanisms seem incredibly tempting. Fan would retreat back into his shell. Things just seemed so much simpler if he did, he wouldn't have to deal with all this overthinking if he just stuck to what he was made for, something he already had found so much comfort and significance in. He uses his shell to cope once again, regressing, turning back to his purpose. This would be how he copes with this new information, by embracing what it taught him that he was. He'd be in this state for a while, he'd probably try to pretend he never even learned anything and creating a false reality of his own security. Being a fan is still important to him, and something he feels so deeply about that he's urged into fully embracing it again. early season 2 fan is back babyyyy!
Not sure how long it would go on for, or even how long it would take for him to go through these stages, but this is somewhat of the process I believe he'd have! I think Suitcase and Fan should have a talk about dealing with all of this. possibly. I feel like it will boil down to "if it feels true to you, that's all that matters." for Fan dealing with this. I could definitely see Suitcase saying something similar to him.
As for him reacting to it after already having theorized this would happen or at the very least suspect it, I think it would go similar to that one drawing I made. He'd be proud at first, and it wouldn't sink in as fast because his pride comes first! But to have it actually confirmed to him would then send him into that same realization as stage 3 of processing it. Something something, it goes the same after this.
Anyways i love fannnn i could talk about him for hours boy i love you i wonder if we'll even get everyone's reactions to the reveal or if they'll even tell anyone else but if we do Fan would definitely have a prominent reaction to it <- guy who loves fan saying this. look at this bias
#ii#inanimate insanity#ii fan#pankie yap#ii spoilers#inanimate insanity spoilers#fan ii#pankie ramble
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LC - YINGDU EP1 SPOILERS, TW - blood, death scenes
Yeah I logged in just for LC to sum up things in my DMs with Forest (love u), mostly about dives.
Still have too many ideas about how mechanics actually work, as well as abilities transmigration, so I'll focus on differences of dives and some things from previous seasons.
Scene with Vein.
In my understanding, the opening scene already includes 2 different developments of events.
1, where CXS, after being wounded, was led by LG into the room, while Vein went to pick up the gun. We see bloody footprints, traces on the table, but that's all.
2, where Vein is already standing at the closed door, clearly shows other events - a chair, other objects scattered on the floor, according to the blood prints, the body seemed to have been dragged + there are no prints on the tabletop.
What is also interesting is that the background is slightly different in both scenes, if you pay attention to the shelves on the left.
There is a difference in the photos too - the first version shows only a crack, the second - a broken glass.
For me, the conclusion is that already here we see 2 different timelines.
Lu Guang's injury
In the first option, although Vein shoots at the door, he misses (time ~ 23:11), Lu Guang closes the door and is not injured
So , missing scene
We don't know what happened for about an hour. In the second version (cause it has stains on the floor, overturned things), the blood on the photo already speaks of the not shown scene. I doubt that Vein simply changed his mind and left, so Lu Guang had to "deal with" him.
At this point, he himself is deeply wounded, but the most important thing is that in these shots we are shown his yellow eyes - this is already a dive in a dive, some kind of repetition of the events.
s2ep12
At the same time, this drive is different from the drive that was shown in the second season.
The blood pattern on his clothes is similar, but even if we exclude the fact that he doesn't look out of breath/in pain, there are other details.
- blood stains on his face - furnishings, of objects on the table - blood on hands (by the way, in the scene with Vein, when he raised his hands in front of him, both of his hands were covered in blood)
Lu Guang's watch
For us as viewers, the watch on his right hand is a familiar part of the design, he wears it on his right hand in both s1 and s2
So, after diving, the first thing he tries to do is check the time, and looks at his right hand.
We still don't know the origin of his watch, since he didn't wear them in almost all the flashbacks. Except for the new one, where the watch is on his left hand.
Thus, Yingdu gives us a new diving point - April 12th (in addition to the dives on September 13).
Maybe the time of this dive will correlate with the time indicated in s2 (but with which there were no associated events)
Except for the poster, the watch on Lu Guang's left hand appeared in the flashback of CXS's death in s2, which probably separates this variant of his death from the ones shown in the scene with Vein, and perhaps the difference can give us insight into the timeline's chronologies later on.
September and April
To be honest, this whole thing makes me very excited, because of the existence of the old theory about the broken time in April and September - I wrote about it in detail a year ago in that post
Emma, April-September and chronology
For me, this means that circumstances of the case, who the unknown victim was, although they have faded into the background now, will still be a key.
Pretty sure this has all been discussed, but thanks for reading. Let's all… have fun with the new season ~
#link click#shiguang dailiren#yingdu spoilers#link click yingdu#link click spoilers#I have a feeling that I myself have returned to the past
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i legit love when a character's gender is so integral to their personality (and perception obviously.) like so concrete that if genderbent their whole shtick would just be absolute dookie. anyways i'm just writing this text so i can talk in the tags (My beautiful safe haven)
youtube
this 14 minute song is soooooooooooo FYRE
#text#actually i'm thinkinbg about this only cus i'm drawing female neloff and i'm just like#Elder dookies fans already hate females..... imagine them tryign to handle a woman with NPD that is reaching toxic waste levels#old decaying female with NPD.#but i'm also drawing female neloff for fun cus i have an idea for a look; i don't think it's a good idea#and he is just one of those characters that feel very good in the strict cismale box.#i also feel silly talking about gender-anything in any fiction because that's a topic only Am*ricans with no real problems sweat about#if that makes sense#just not something that interests me in the slightest#actually this might jsut be fascinating 2me because it is interesting indeed to see the different ways narcissism is treated. in characters#if i keep saying females instead of women it's bc i legit love that word. Sorry#and el*nwen+ulfr*c too are those female+male respectively perfectly fitting characters too#but notice how i didn't say cis. exactly. i'm thinking about the person that said elly did his top surgery in the torture basement. 4 free#or maybe i said that and they jsut said they're both t4t. Mmmaybe#the absolute W we copped with elly being the ' ' Big Bad ' ' th*lmor as a woman who is just obsessed with the luxuries of life.#stereotypical high society woman#she's so cute#i might just be obsessed with exploring very traditional dynamics too. i love keeping it grounded yk#Me after reading too many geriatric centuries old novels and huffing copium on sk*rim#i think i legit hate having fun with wilder character personality-morphism (because it is useless) that's not working with what u have#i'm just saying things that will make sense only 2 me now. Bye#why did i develop interest-related nihilism that extends to me hating fantasy franchises and anything that isn't non-fiction#i love it tho makes me feel so sophisticated#this is what happens when nobody humbles you while you draw regurgitated glorified studentXteacher (with a medieval twist) for a year.#i'm so excited for the year to be over not bc it's bad for me but bc i wanna see what all of the n*lvas art i drew looks like together#i wanna compile it like i did with eltl in 2023#n*lvas been treating me so well though liek i've been at such an artistic Peak especially after may#i'm always at my artistic peak tho.#i have a picture of n*relion on my mspaint canvas and it keeps looking at me while i'm drawing . he scares me because who gave him -#- the t*lvas hairstyle and the n*loth beard Bro.
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