#fun fact: I took the day off work for every season so i could binge it without spoilers

[jolalibrary]

if you asked me if I was back on my daredevil obsession, I’d say yes. but if you asked me on a deeper level, I’d tell you I never got over it and that man could ruin me all the ways till Sunday and I’d thank him. ON. MY. GODDAMN. KNEES.

[thebestofoneshots]

Princess

Pairing: Dean x reader

Prompt: In which you and Dean can’t help but want to be around each other and find little excuses to do so. Also reaserchung for a case and watching TV together.

Warnings: Located on early season 12, there are some mild spoilers to S2 of The Walking Dead but nothing serious.

A/N: This is fluff, just a bunch of fluff because I needed some Dean fluff real bad

You laid on your stomach with your feet crossed, knees glued to the headboard of Dean’s bed as you read the digital book you’d found a few days back. Dean sat beside you resting his back on the headboard reading as well, he held a book in his hands. You were both listening to some soft rock as you continued your research to trap Lucifer on the cage.

Hours passed, Sammy had gone to check up on a possible case and promised to call if it was something of your kind of thing, meanwhile you, and Dean decided to go to his room since the library chairs were hurting your backs from so much reading.

You took a deep breath and sighed before moving on to the next page of archangel lore, and you thought the economy readings back at uni had been boring.

“Hey!” You heard him exclaim excited from behind. “I think I’ve got something! Check this out.” He handed you the book and leaned towards you as you read.

You closed the computer and grabbed the book from his hands, reading from the point he told you to start.

As you read about the tools God had used to lock Lucifer on the cage you felt a small finger pressing near your shoulder. It made you raise an eyebrow and turn your eyes towards him but continued reading when you noted no further movement, a few minutes later you felt it again. You ignored it just the same. And it just kept happening. He’d press his finger on different sides of your back, and rather than being annoying to you, it was pleasant, almost like a massage. You almost dragged your eyes in the words longer just to avoid finishing fast and lose the gentleness of his touch. You were only friends so, these kinds of tokens of affection weren’t all that common.

After a few pages and a few minutes of heaven, he stopped and leaned even closer “So?”

“So what?” You asked confused, you were still a little numb and distracted, his touch had an effect you were not expecting, even if you liked it.

“You think it’s going to work?”

You were about to ask ‘what was going to work?’ until it dawned on you that he was talking about the reading you’d barely payed attention to “I mean, I think it could work, it’s not such a long shot.” You were as ambiguous as possible with your answer.

“Right?, I’ll send the pictures of the book to Cas, he’ll know something about it.”

You nodded and passed him the book, you tried to open the computer again but your will power was out of sight “I cannot, for the life of me, continue reading this! It’s the most boring piece of lore I’ve found in my life! It’s like the writer thought of the most boring way to write something and decided to double the boringness at the end.”

Dean chuckled “then stop for a bit, let’s see what Cas has to say about what we found, take a break.”

“Awesome! If anyone asks, you said I could stop,” You chimed grabbing the computer on your hands, you did NOT want to stand up, even if it was minimal, you enjoyed the company and without the reading, you had no excuse to stay in the same place as Dean.

“Do you want to watch something?” He asked then.

You were about to jump like a little girl in excitement but managed to keep your composure “sounds nice, why not?”

You opened Netflix on your computer, trying to find something to watch “Hey, walking dead seems fun,” he motioned towards the screen.

“Hmmm, I don’t really like zombies.”

“Wait, what? I’ve seen you hunt dozens!”

“Yeah, we’ve hunt zombies, but our zombies are not like those zombies, you don’t get bitten and turn into one because of a scary invisible virus that kills you and turns you into a blob of walking, hungry, brainless meat. And there are also no zombie apocalypses where all the people you love die.”

“Wait a minute! Are you scared of zombies?” He teased.

“That’s ridiculous! I hunt zombies,” you defended yourself.

“You ARE scared,” he continued “I’d never thought they say would come where I would find something that scares (Y/F/N).”

“Shut up! Winchester,” you grunted "I’m not scared, and I can prove it!" You sneered as you clicked on the little icon to play the first episode of the show you’d been dreading to watch for years.

He had a little smirk on his face as you did it, he knew you were scared, but he also didn’t mind being the only one there to comfort you, in case the zombies were too much.

As the episode started you had your left hand, the one on the other side of him, clenching the bedsheets expecting a jump scare on every scene. By the end of the episode, you’d gotten around to it, since you’d seen jump scares weren’t all that common on the show you managed to relax a bit.

"You’re not as tense anymore," he acknowledged.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about, Winchester, I was never tense," you responded playing dumb.

He rolled his eyes but you both continued watching the show. By episode three of your little binge-watch the computer showed the classic 5% battery left which meant you had like a minute before it turned off.

"Shit," you mumbled, you still didn’t want to stand up, so you looked around the room to see if by any chance you’d brought the charger, which you had, only it was close to the plug, on the far side of his little concrete shelf. You gave him a look. He denied with his head. You breathed again and positioned your hands on the classic rock, paper scissors start.

"Seriously? princess?" He asked, you knew, he meant it in an annoying way, but even then your stomach fluttered.

"Do I look like I’m joking?"

He let a breath out and positions his hands too. rock, paper, scissors, you both the said in your heads, both choose rock. You stared at each other for a second before trying again, rock, paper, scissors, now you were both papers. You got the same answer two more times. "This is the one!" He said. You nodded, rock, paper, scissors and he crushed your scissors with his rock.

"Son of a bitch!" You mumbled.

"Language, princess!"

You made a face at him and looked at the cord again. You really, really didn’t want to stand up. So it occurred to you, maybe if...

You nodded to yourself and kneeled on the bed, using your hand on his nightstand to stabilize yourself, you basically crossed Dean with half of your body and extended your arm as far as possible to get the cable. That was the easy part, the cable wasn’t nearly as far. But the plug, that was another story.

Meanwhile, Dean sat there, sipping hard trying to ignore the fact that your ass was just inches away from his face. He tried, boy he tried not to check you out, you had been friends for the longest time, and while he had checked you out before (when he’d met you for the first time), he’d avoided that now that you’d grown closer. But you were wearing yoga pants, he could not resist yoga pants. As he was dumbfounded looking at your ass you continued trying to get the cable to the plug, causing you to stretch even further, giving Dean an even better view.

Eventually, you managed to connect the cable, and as you tuned to rejoice in your success the book on the shelf you were using as support gave in, and you started falling face-first to the ground.

Luckily, Dean who was very attentive of your movements at that point, managed to grab you by the hips and pull you in, causing your chest to collide with his, faces inches away from each other "It’s alright, I’ve got you." You could feel the warmth of his breath on your face, you breathed carefully, swallowing hard at the closeness.

“Umm... thanks, I uh... wasn’t expecting to fall,” You mumbled.

“No problem, that’s what friends are for,” he smiled, you stared at his mesmerizing green eyes for a little too long before realizing you were still on top of him.

“I... am... I’m going back to my place,” you whispered rolling off of him and sitting on your side.

“Hey listen, if you don’t want to continue watching the zombies, it’s perfectly fine for me, all right?”

“What? Are you scared now? princess?” Was your only reply.

He chuckled slightly and you both continued watching the show.

As the second episode of season two came to an end you were both in awe “Shit Carl!” You mumbled.

Dean, was also very tense beside you, Carl couldn’t die, he was one of the main characters. You kept telling yourselves that throughout the next episode. At some point even, both of you started holding hands, in reassurance to each other.

You wanted to continue watching but both of you were falling asleep “maybe we should call it a night?” He asked.

You nodded, and you headed to your room, it was just beside his, but you’d miss his warmth either way.

“Good night, princess,” he smirked.

“Good night,” you replied rolling your eyes “ass,” you smiled and closed his door as you left.

He let a breath out as he saw you walk out and placed the computer on his nightstand. He’d miss you laying by his side, both of you fell asleep soon after, wishing you were still together.

Dean woke up a few hours later to pee, and he heard you as he was coming back to his room, he knocked first but after no answer he opened the door and entered your room, you were asleep, but not peacefully, although quietly you mumbled words, “get away from me”, “nooooooo” and “Dean!” were only some of them.

“Hey!” He motioned towards you, he sat beside your bed and gently moved your shoulder, you were still trapped in your own nightmare “hey! princess! Wake Up!” He motioned again.

Still, no answer from you, after the third try you abruptly opened your eyes, your breath hitched and your eyes watery “Dean!” You smiled as you saw him. You quickly pulled him into a hug “Oh, you’re all right, you’re perfectly fine!” you whispered as you pushed him even closer to you, by now he’d returned the unexpected hug and made circles on you back with his palm.

“I’m fine princess, you were the one moaning about zombies” he teased.

You answered with a light hit in the shoulder “I wasn’t dreaming about zombies!”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say, princess,” he cooed, you wanted to argue, you really did but was it really a better thing for him to know what you really were dreaming of? Losing him to Lucifer. So you just rolled your eyes and let him have this one. “We can always stop watching it.”

“You wish! I have to know what happens to Carl,” you replied.

As the two of you stopped embracing each other you suggested “maybe we can watch a bit more? I’ll put it on my phone, just so we can get sleepy again.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he smiled as he motioned for you to move so he could fit in the bed. He took off his robe, setting it in the side and accommodated himself underneath the covers. Your bed was smaller than his, so you were even closer that you’d been in his room with the computer.

“Your pijamas are extremely soft” you said as he fumbled around inside the bed to get comfortable, you’d feel his muscles flexing underneath his pants and shirt as they touched your bare skin, you only had a pair of shorts and a short sleeve pijama top.

He frowened, and gave you a side eye, he had no clue how to respond “thanks?”

“I’ll steal it from you one of these days,” you said feeling the hem of his sleeve “it’s stupid soft.”

The idea of you wearing his shirt made him shiver in his mind, but he had to keep up the aparences “you can’t have my shirt!”

“I wasn’t asking for it Dean,” you smirked.

You gave each other a defiant look and then you put play on the episode that patently waited for you two on the screen of your phone.

You were attentively watching the episode when you heard a light snore, you turned towards Dean but he was fast asleep. You smiled slightly and denied with your head. Placing your phone on the nightstand and letting a breath out. You’d have to wake up the Winchester now, but just when you were about to motion him to wake, you felt his hand pulling you down from where you sat and towards him.

“Stop moving princess, I’m comfortable,” you heard him mumble in between his sleep. He pulled you in and snuggled against you, making you completely trapped with his arm and a few seconds later, his leg was also on top of yours, leaving you looking at the ceiling, without being able to move.

You took a deep breath and decided you’d just enjoy the moment instead. Falling asleep just a few minutes later, with his warmth comforting you this one night.

A/N: hope you enjoyed this little thing, opinions and feedback are always apreciated, much love -Rose.

Find more Dean Fluff here

[hstyleshoney]

flawed - h.s

AU she has a new roommate and he’s not the worst 

Wordcount: 13K // slow-burn fluff with a small hint of angst and mutual-ish pining I suppose, strong language, alcohol use, sexual content

AN: This is my little College/Uni AU piece for @stylesharrys fallinharry10k celebration writing fest! And I got carried away. I’ve had the start of this in my drafts for like two years and this challenge kind of just got me motivated to finish it. I’m really happy with some parts of it and some I’m not so sure about...I hate endings... BUT I had really fun writing it and that is all that matters and hopefully someone will enjoy it. I’m just happy I managed to finish it after such a long time. I’d also really really appreciate some feedback on it so please share your thoughts! I don’t have too much experience writing like this so be nice pls haha. ENJOY! <3 

“Harry, you left your dirty dishes by the sink...  AGAIN!  Dunno how many times I have to remind you to clean up after yourself Put it away. Thx. :)”

Y/N took a deep breath to calm herself down and re-read the pink post-it note infront of her. He was going to be the death of her. He really was. Harry was in every other way the perfect roommate, well perfect was perhaps a bit excessive but he wasn’t the worst, except for the fact that he never took care of his stupid dirty dishes. It drove her mad. It took all her willpower to not smash his stupid little kermit the frog teacup into tiny little pieces whenever she saw it.

And yes, maybe it was irrational of her to get so worked up over a few dirty cups when everything else was going so well. But Y/N liked it when things were in order.

In the past two months that she had lived with Harry she had lost count of how many times she had asked him to wash up his used pans, plates and cups. The first time it happened she didn’t really mind. The second time -- also fine. But the third? That was when she started to get a little bit bothered. Because not only was it his dirty dishes from the same day. No. The plate and cup from the day before were still there on the counter as well. That was the first time she asked him to clean up after himself.

It was still fine though.

Y/N just told herself it was because Harry had previously lived in a student accommodation with a bunch of unruly boys and wasn’t used to picking up after himself. It was fine. He’d soon get it.

Only, he didn’t seem to get it.

Because weeks later she still had to remind him to wash up after he was done in the kitchen. It was like what she said to him went in one ear and out the other. It took her another week before she started suspecting he was leaving it out on purpose to irritate her, which well, it worked. It only annoyed her further.

The amount of tea that boy drank was truly worrying. She had been told she drank a lot of tea, but she seemed to have met her match in Harry. At least judging by all the cups he left around the flat. They were everywhere. Literally. She had even found one under the bathroom sink just a couple days ago and she didn’t even bother asking him how it got there. She had simply just left him a post-it note asking him to put it away.

Because she was certainly not going to go around and pick up after him. He was a grown boy and therefore capable of cleaning up after himself. She wasn’t his mother.

It was basic housekeeping.

She ripped the little pink post-it note off the pad and stuck it up on Harry’s bedroom door so he couldn’t possibly miss it. She stared at it for another minute, pleased with herself, before getting her backpack and left to go to her lecture. It was her own way of telling him off; leaving post-it notes for him. A more passive-aggressive approach had always been her preferred strategy, it made her feel slightly less annoying, and anytime she had left him a note in the morning the dirty dishes had magically disappeared when she came home later.

So there was no reason for her to stop leaving them for him.

--

Apart from that Harry really was the best roommate she could’ve asked for. The best one in the short amount of time she had had to find a new one anyways. Lexi, her very good friend from home and roommate before Harry, had decided to drop out of uni a week before courses were due to start again after summer; leaving her alone with a flat she couldn’t afford on her own. Y/N couldn’t be mad at her though because she knew how unhappy Lexi was in Manchester. She wasn’t enjoying her course and she missed her family. Y/N couldn’t force Lexi to stay just because she didn’t want to find a new roommate. She wasn’t that selfish.

It just wasn’t ideal. Everyone she knew already had a place to live and she was feeling pretty defeated about the whole thing. She liked her flat and didn’t want to give it up. Her parents offered to help her pay rent until she could find someone to live with again but she didn’t want to take her parents money. It didn’t feel right. So when her friend Lucy mentioned that her boyfriend Nate had a friend who needed a place to live she offered the mysterious man Lexi’s old room without a second thought.

Then Harry showed up outside her door two days later with a large suitcase and a couple of moving boxes.

They didn’t really talk all that much their first week of living together. He mostly kept to himself, trying to get settled in and get used to being back at uni after a long summer. All she knew about him at that point was that he was the same age as her and that he was studying music. Something she probably would’ve figured out sooner or later on her own, because every evening she could hear him play his guitar from inside his bedroom. She couldn’t complain though. It was quite soothing actually, and she wanted to tell him that.

But she also didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable knowing she laid awake listening to him play and then stop because he didn’t want her to eavesdrop.

So Y/N never said anything.

Their second week of living together was when she picked up on his annoying habit of leaving the kitchen a mess. It was also that week he offered to make her a cup of tea for the first time and she would never admit it outloud but it was probably the best cup of tea she had ever had.

But since he left his own cups all around the flat she also refused to tell him that.

By the third week they started having dinner together and asked each other about their days. They were slowly getting to know one another and Y/N realised for the first time that she did in fact enjoy Harry’s company. That Sunday they spent the entire evening binge watching the first season of a scandinavian crime drama on netflix and shared a tub of ice cream.  

Then they were suddenly in the same group of friends.

Because with Lexi gone Y/N started hanging out with Lucy more and Lucy was dating Nate and Harry was always hanging out with Nate. Which all just led to Tara, Declan and Connor always being around as well. Their flat had, since Harry moved in, turned into the hotspot for the gang to hang out at. She didn’t mind much, because she liked them and she had never really been a part of a group like them before. It was nice. Lexi moving had in a weird way been a blessing in disguise.

So there really wasn’t anything else to complain about when it came to Harry as a roommate.

Well, maybe one more thing.

And she usually met that reason every Sunday morning in their kitchen after a night out.

That Sunday however took a different turn than what she had gotten used to.

“You told me you didn’t have a girlfriend!”

“Harry,“ Y/N said slowly and narrowed her eyes at him. The girl next to them, whose hair was dyed a rich red color, was only clad in one of Harry’s old band t-shirts and stared at the two of them with frantic eyes.

“Y/N, babe, I’m so sorry,” Harry said and stared at Y/N pleadingly. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“You’re unbelievable.”

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on!?” The red-haired girl demanded and crossed her arms over her chest and Y/N could’ve sworn she did a little stomp. “You told me last night that you were single!”

“Yes Harry, I’d love an explanation,” Y/N said and mimicked the redhead by crossing  her arms over her chest. She probably would’ve laughed if the situation had been any different because the stranger in the kitchen was glaring at Harry with such a hatred in her eyes and Y/N had never seen a girl look at him that way before. 

And it was still funny, but it would’ve been funnier if she wasn’t a part of it. Harry on the other hand only ignored the angry girl and kept the lie going, focusing on his roommate.

“Love, I’m so fucking sorry. It didn’t mean anything! I swear, I was drunk and-”

“Ugh, oh my god,” the redhead cried out, interrupting him. She was fuming and her face was as red as her hair. Before Y/N had the chance to say anything else, to resolve the situation, the redhead stepped forward and slapped Harry across the face. “You’re such a fucking asshole!”

Then she turned around and Y/N’s first instinct was to take a step back because that was how intimidating she looked with her red wild hair and red cheeks. But Y/N, very unexpectedly, found herself being embraced in a bone-crushing hug. “I’m so sorry! I swear I had no idea. He told me he didn’t have a girlfriend. You deserve so much better! Leave him.”

And just like that the girl was gone, marching back to Harry’s room to get changed into her own clothes again, and left the two of them alone in the kitchen. Y/N at loss for words and Harry rubbing the side of his face.

It didn’t take very long before the sound of the front door being slammed shut echoed through the flat and made the walls around them shake.

“You’re disgusting,” Y/N muttered then and walked past him to put the kettle on. She had a headache from all the wine she had consumed the previous night and whatever it was that had just happened hadn’t exactly helped her feel any better. She had only wanted a nice cup of tea, and maybe some toast. She had definitely not been prepared, nor expected, to be part of a terrible made-up triangle drama. Not this early.

“Aw, c’mon,” Harry laughed and finally let his face break out into a grin. “I’ve tried to get her to go home all morning but she wouldn’t take any hints. I had no choice.”

Y/N turned her head to glare at him and pointed a warning finger in his direction

“If you bring a girl back you get rid of her yourself. I want no part in your disgusting shenanigans,” she told him. “You deserved that slap.”

“I didn’t even say anything to her,” Harry said and hopped up to take a seat on the counter. “She just assumed.”

“Why would she even assume that?” Y/N asked and eyed him suspiciously “If I was your girlfriend I wouldn’t randomly appear in the kitchen the next morning in my pyjamas. You must’ve told her something.”

“I didn’t,” Harry denied and put his hands up, still grinning. She rolled her eyes. “I swear! She just assumed.”

“Yeah well, you shouldn’t have let her,” she told him and took out two slices of bread to put in the toaster. “Besides, do you have to bring a girl back every weekend?”

“Do you have to go on like five dates a week?”

“I don’t,” she glared at him again. Harry raised his eyebrows at her knowingly and she looked away from him as the next few words left her lips. “It was only three this week.”

“Oh right,” Harry laughed. “Excuse me.”

“Shut up.”

“At least I’m getting something good out of it,” he continued to laugh. “I still don’t understand why you have to go on so many dates all the time. What do you get out of it?”

“I wanna find love,” she shrugged. “Is that so bad?”

“No, not at all,” Harry told her. “But dating douchebags ain’t gonna bring you love.”

“Yeah because sleeping with someone new every weekend is so much better,” she replied sarcastically and watched as Harry slid down from the counter when the kettle made a small noise to let them know it was ready.

“Like I said,” he started with a smirk and took down two tea cups from the cupboard. “At least I get something good out of it. You should try.”

She rolled her eyes again but didn’t say anything else as her toast popped up from the toaster. Her dating life was a running joke among her friends and she had learned to ignore the comments they made. She wanted to find love, so she wasn’t going to sit around and wait for it. Some may say she was a bit desperate, and maybe she was, but it wasn’t her fault every guy she met was wrong for her. They were all either too clingy or too uncommitted.

Or maybe she was just a bit too picky.

Either way, she did go on a lot of dates when her schedule allowed her to. She wanted what everyone else around her seemed to have. Her parents acted more in love with each other every time she saw them, even after 30 years of marriage. One of her sisters had just gotten engaged to her long-term boyfriend and her oldest sister had been married for three years already and was expecting her second child. Her younger cousin got married that summer. Any time Y/N traveled back home all her relatives asked her when she was going to find herself a nice young man. It was exhausting. Y/N was stressed. Pressured. So she dated a lot. There was nothing wrong with that, yet people liked to mock her for it, especially Harry since he was the one who she came back home to after a bad date.

He’d usually burst into her room after a date, wanting all the details only so he could laugh about everything that had gone wrong. But then he also always made her a cup of tea and got her some biscuits.

He wasn’t the worst.

“Hey,” Harry said and held out the tea he had made for her. “You wanna watch an episode of The Bridge?”

Y/N stared at him for a second and for the first time ever her heart skipped a beat. It was no secret that Harry was unbelievably attractive, the kind of attractiveness that terrified you before you got to know him. If he hadn’t showed up outside her door she never would’ve had the guts to talk to him. After getting to know him though he was just Harry; her roommate.

But there was something about him right there and then, dressed casually in sweats and a plain t-shirt as he handed her a cup of tea in their kitchen, that just got to her. She quickly snapped herself out of her thoughts to stop her mind from wandering too far and took the tea from him. Must be the hangover.

“Sure, but only one episode,” she replied and picked up her plate of toast as well. “I have to read some shit for my seminar tomorrow and I can’t keep procrastinating.”

--

They ended up watching more than just one episode.

And Y/N never got around to reading the chapter she needed to read. She only skimmed through it on her way to her seminar, which is why she made a fool out of herself when the lecturer pointed straight at her and asked her to share her thoughts. She wanted to disappear.

And her day didn’t get any better when she stepped in dog shit on her way home.

And it certainly didn’t get any better when she accidentally knocked over her cup of tea and spilled it all over the rug. So instead of getting to lie on the couch and feel sorry for herself, like she had planned, she had to try and save the white rug from getting a stain. It wasn’t a great day.

It was also at that moment Harry came back home; when she was sitting on the floor, scrubbing the rug furiously and muttering profanities under her breath.

“You know,” Harry began to make his presence known. “There’s something about what you're doing right now that’s really turning me on.”  

Y/N stopped her scrubbing and looked up at him, not impressed by his joke or by the stupid smirk on his face.

“Oh fuck off,” she swore and simply raised her hand and her middle finger at him. “Or make yourself useful and get some baking soda or something.”

“Bad day?” he asked while putting his guitar case down. She only glared at him.

“What do you think?”

“I’ll just get the baking soda.”

“Good choice.”

They cleaned the rug together and after a good half an hour of scrubbing and googling the best tricks to remove tea stains they managed to save it from getting ruined. Y/N slumped down on the couch again, exhausted and defeated, and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself down.

What a shit day.

Harry made her a new cup and put away everything they had used to get rid of the spilled one before joining her on the small couch.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked and squeezed his brows together, uncertain how to approach her.  

“I just had a shit day,” she sighed deeply. “Completely fucked up my seminar.”

“I’m sure you didn’t.”

“Ha!” Y/N scoffed. “No, I did. But it was my own fault though, so I can't really cry about it.”

“Well,” Harry scratched the back of his head. “Can I do anything to make you feel better? We could get some pizza and watch a movie or something?”

“I can’t,” she grumbled. “I have an assignment I have to finish by Wednesday and considering how shit I did today I have to focus. I can’t fuck this up too.”

“You have to eat something though.”

“Yeah, I will. I’ll just heat up some of that leftover pasta later or something,” she assured him and maybe if she hadn’t been so frustrated with herself she wouldn’t have confused the way her heart was racing inside her chest with stress; when in reality it was beating extra for the green eyed boy next to her.

Y/N stayed in her room for the rest of the afternoon into the evening, reading and typing away. She wouldn’t say it was going well, but she didn't want to throw her computer out the window and she always appreciated those rare moments.

She could also hear Harry roaming around in the rest of the flat and later on the low strum of his guitar. She smiled to herself when she heard it and didn’t even realise she was humming along to the melody he was playing until he stopped.

And it wasn’t until her stomach growled loudly that she remembered she hadn’t actually had any dinner yet. She made sure to save her work, hitting ‘save’ an extra time because you could never save a document too many times, before closing her laptop and standing up. Her muscles ached from how long she had been in the same position and she winced a little as she stretched them out.

Then her stomach rumbled and she was once again reminded of how hungry she was. It was nearing 11 pm and she hadn’t eaten anything since lunch, which was not good, and she kind of regretted not accepting Harry’s offer about getting pizza before.

But when she made it into the kitchen there was a pink post-it note on the fridge, only this time she wasn’t the one who put it there.

I got some pizza earlier, saved you a few slices in case you want some instead of that old pasta xx H :)

A warm feeling spread through her body as she read his little note, and she couldn’t help but notice that Harry had a surprisingly neat handwriting. It was cute. Both the handwriting and the message. It put a smile on her face.

While the pizza was being reheated she decided to go find Harry and thank him for the nice gesture. She was just about to knock on his door when she noticed that the TV was still on and she spotted him on the couch.

Asleep.

And it was probably cuter than both his handwriting and the message combined.

His whole body took up the small couch; his legs dangled over the armrest and he had his arms crossed over his chest to make himself smaller. There was a slight frown on his face, presumably from the dream he was having, but it was endearing in a way to still see him so relaxed. He had changed out of the blue jeans he had worn last time she saw him and had on his black shorts and the knitted jumper he always just wore around the flat. He looked comfortable. Homely.

A part of her wanted to run back to her room and get her phone so she could snap a picture of him before he woke up.

But an even bigger part of her stopped her from doing so because it felt inappropriate to take a picture of him sleeping. She wasn’t so sure Harry would appreciate her taking pictures of him without him knowing either. So she refrained.

Then, almost like he could feel her watching him sleep like a total creep, he slowly blinked his eyes open, and honestly... it was probably the cutest thing yet. She blushed as he caught her staring.

“Oh, hey,” he said, his voice low and rough, and rubbed his eyes to get the sleep out of them. “What time is it?”

“Mm it’s about 11.”

“Shit, didn’t realise I fell asleep,” he grumbled and sat up, running a hand through his hair. “Did you finish your assignment?”

“Almost,” she told him and smiled softly. “Thanks for the pizza.”

“No worries,” he said and matched her smile.

“Also, I’m sorry for being so cranky before. I was just a bit stressed.”

Harry shook his head.

“It’s okay,” he reassured her. “We’ve all been there.”

Y/N ended up joining him on the couch for a bit after the pizza was done. They didn’t talk much while she ate and Harry flicked through the channels on the TV, before he eventually decided on an old romcom. 

When Harry had first shown up outside the flat she had been nervous about living with him. She had only ever lived with girls before, but it had been easier to get along with him than she had first expected. Not that she had heard anything bad about him; Lucy had nothing but nice things to say when she first told her about Nate’s friend who needed a place to live.

She had just assumed it was going to be harder to live with a boy compared to a girl. But Harry made it easy, aside from the dirty dishes and the unknown women in her kitchen Sunday mornings of course, and he was slowly becoming one of her closest friends. While it was terrifying it also felt like the most natural thing. Like he was meant to be in her life.

Which is why she felt so stupid for what happened next.

“They make love seem so easy in these romcoms,” Y/N complained with a huff. “Why don’t I have a gorgeous guy pining after me? I just want someone to have a secret crush on me and then make a big grand gesture. Is that too much to ask?”

“How do you know you don’t?” Harry questioned and she snorted.

“I highly doubt it. Who would that be?”

Harry shrugged.

“Who knows,” he said. “It’s kinda the point of having someone secretly crushing on you, innit?”

“Oh whatever,” she grumbled and Harry laughed. “You have no say in this. I see the way girls stare at you whenever we go out. You probably have a handful of secret admirers. ”

“Are you forgetting the fact that you go on more dates than the rest of us combined?” Harry pointed out and raised his brows at her. “You probably have more admirers than anyone else I know.”

“Not true.”

“So true,” Harry insisted. “You need to stop trying so hard and maybe just let love find you instead.”

“That’s probably the most cliche thing someone has ever told me,” she said and rolled her eyes. “What am I supposed to do then? Sit around and twiddle my thumbs and wait for someone to come knocking on our door and say they love me?”

“No, not at all,” Harry frowned. “I just think that maybe you need to open your eyes and take a step back. Lower your expectations and don’t be so picky. You’re not going to find Prince charming. No one is flawless.”

“You know what? It’s too late to be having this conversation,” she told him and stood up. There was something about what he just said that made her heart sink a little inside her chest. “I’m going to bed.”

“Hey, you okay?” Harry said and caught her wrist to stop her from leaving. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“It’s okay,” she said and swallowed thickly. “I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.” His hand was hot on her skin and she couldn’t take her eyes away from his long fingers and how he traced his thumb across her wrist in small circles. 

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise.”

He really didn’t. Y/N wasn’t sure why she had suddenly gotten so upset; why she took what he said to heart. It made her feel like a brat almost. She was used to people making fun of her dating life but she didn’t like this. 

She didn’t want people to think she was shallow or impossible to please. Especially not Harry.  

Because that wasn’t the case. There were plenty of good guys out there and she was far from perfect herself. She had a lot of flaws. Y/N had just never clicked with anyone in the way she wanted to and she wasn’t going to get into a relationship with someone she didn’t feel she connected with one hundred percent.

“Okay,” Harry said with a heavy sigh and let go of her wrist. “Goodnight then.”

“Night.”

Harry still had a frown on his face as he watched her take her plate back into the kitchen and Y/N could feel her pulse racing as she felt his eyes on her. It was awkward and she was embarrassed for how she had just handled everything. It wasn’t even a big deal. He hadn’t said anything she hadn’t thought of herself before. Harry was just giving her advice. 

So why did she feel so upset? 

It was the first time she had ever gotten even the tiniest bit self-conscious about the amount of dates she went on, and as she crawled into bed she couldn’t help but wonder if she felt like this because it was Harry.

It was also the first time she realised she cared a lot about what he thought of her.

She wanted Harry to like her.

--

Y/N got her period a day later and just like that everything she had felt on Monday made so much sense. Of course. Luckily everything was completely fine between her and Harry the morning after she left him on the couch and they even baked some brownies Tuesday evening because Y/N was craving chocolate, which also made sense when she woke up with stains in her underwear and cramps in her lower region on Wednesday.

Despite that though she had quite a good day. She managed to finish her assignment in time and she didn’t hate it; she was maybe even a little bit pleased with it. She bought herself a new pair of sneakers that were on sale and an eyeshadow palette she had been wanting for a while. Her and Harry got chinese food for dinner before meeting the rest of the gang down at the pub.

Wednesdays meant quiz night and Y/N teamed up with Tara and together they managed to win first prize which gave them £50 to spend at the bar.

Y/N blamed the alcohol for everything that happened after that.  

She tripped on her way over to the toilets. She accidentally managed to somehow elbow Connor in the face. She also spilled half a pint of beer all over herself, leaving a huge wet stain on her trousers so it looked like she pissed herself.

But she was still in good spirits.

Until she spotted Harry at the bar with a tall gorgeous girl. Their faces were close and even from the booth she was sitting in she could see his dimples. It left a sour taste in her mouth watching the pair talk and it annoyed her how easily Harry once again had a girl swooning over him. Why was he even off flirting with some random girl when they were all supposed to be there together? And why was he so good at it? And why did he look so good doing it?

Y/N rolled her eyes when the girl giggled and reached out to touch his bicep. Disgusting.

“Hello?” Lucy snapped her fingers in front of Y/N’s face. “You still with us?”

“What?” She tore her eyes away from the scene that was taking place at the bar and turned her attention back to her two friends. “Yeah, of course.” She faked a laugh and took a long sip from her beer. Lucy and Tara shared a look, but they didn’t say anything else about it which she was thankful for.

Mostly because she had no idea how to explain any of it. She glanced over at Harry and the girl again and tried to understand why her chest suddenly felt so tight. It must be the alcohol.

And oh, right, of course, she had her period.

It was her hormones; the only logical explanation.

Satisfied with the answer to her own confusion she threw herself back into the conversation around the table, ignoring the fact that she could still see Harry and the girl in the corner of her eye.  

Then Declan showed up at their table with a round of vodka shots for everyone because he knew the bartender and got them for free.

Who was she to say no to free shots?

But she really should’ve.

The strong liquid didn’t sit right with her and instead of giving her a bigger buzz her head felt heavy and her ears were ringing. She also felt a little bit sick; the chinese food she had had with Harry slowly rising in the back of her throat. Taking shots had never really ended well for her but drunk Y/N still always seemed to think it was a fantastic idea.

It was a good thing she didn’t have a lecture or anything the next day, because her hangover was not going to be pretty.

And Y/N didn’t bother saying goodbye to anyone before she unexpectedly jumped out of her seat, got her coat and stumbled outside. She needed fresh air and she couldn’t wait.

The second she stepped outside into the cold autumn night she instantly felt better. The nausea from the stuffy pub atmosphere disappeared and she sat down on the curb next to the road and took a few deep breaths. 

“Hey there Quiz-Queen, you alright?”

Harry.

She glanced up at him and even though he had called her by the nickname she had jokingly given herself after winning first-prize he was looking down at her with concerned eyes. Her purse hung from his shoulder, she hadn’t even realised she had left it behind, and he had his own long and vibrant plaid coat wrapped around himself; protecting him from the cold.

“Yeah,” she said and took another deep breath. “I just needed some air.”

“Hm,” Harry hummed, relieved she was okay. “Maybe next time let the rest of us know where you’re going and don’t just get up and leave.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Not at all,” Harry assured and shook his head. “Just want to make sure you’re safe. I don’t think that £50 bar tab was the best thing for a lightweight like you.”

“Oiii,” she pouted. “That’s mean. You’re just jealous you didn’t win. How many right answers did you guys get again? 6 out of 20?”

“It’s not about winning, it’s about having fun,” Harry said with a smug smile and a twinkle in his eyes that he only ever got when he thought he was being clever. “And I had fun.”  

“Oh give it a rest,” she scoffed but there was still a smile on her face. “You love to win, don’t stand there and pretend to be a good loser when I know how competitive you can get.”  

Harry laughed and she felt butterflies come alive inside her stomach as she watched his dimples appear. This time for her and not for some stupid girl at the bar.  

“C’mon Silly-girl, let’s get you home,” he said, ignoring her comment about him being a sore loser, and offered his hand to help her up. His fingers were strong around hers and her skin was tingling as she watched her own hand disappear in his.

Once back up on her feet she had to hold onto Harry for a second to stop her head from spinning so much. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol anymore or her hormones... or if it was merely just because of Harry.

It was just easier to blame the alcohol or her period, so that’s what she did.

Harry had an arm around her to support her swaying body as they made their way over to the bus stop, holding her close to him. He smelled like beer and the shampoo she always secretly sniffed when she took a shower. It was something she would never admit out loud, or sober, but she loved the smell of it.

Sometimes she had considered using it on her own hair, it was just so fresh and relaxing, so Harry, but it was also one of those things she wasn’t so sure he would appreciate her doing. 

“We should’ve stopped to get some food,” she muttered and slumped back against her seat on the bus. “I’m starving and I’m craving something salty.”

“I can make us something when we get home,” Harry offered.

“Really?” Y/N perked up. ”Could you?”

“Yeah, I’m a bit hungry as well.”

“Oh my gosh, have I ever told you you’re the best roommate?”

“Pretty sure you haven’t,” Harry laughed. "I do, however, have a lot of post-it notes that one could argue suggest the opposite."

“I saw you talking to a girl earlier. She was very pretty.” It slipped out before Y/N had the chance to think twice about it. “I’m sorry you’re stuck with me now and didn’t get to go home with her.”

Harry didn’t laugh at that but he still had the same twinkle in his eyes as before and a fond smile on his lips.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said and suddenly his hand was on her knee and he gave it a gentle squeeze; causing her hormones to act up again so her heart skipped a beat. “You’re not the worst person to be stuck with.”

--

As expected her hangover wasn’t pretty the next day.

She woke up with a raging headache and an upset stomach. After Harry had made them both some food she had been too tired to go wash her make-up off so the girl staring back at her in the bathroom mirror had black mascara smudges all around her eyes and golden glitter eyeshadow smeared across her bloated face. It was a tragedy. She was a tragedy.

However, the thing that made her hangover feel even worse was when she walked into the kitchen and saw the all dirty pans and plates from her and Harry’s late night meal. Pangs of guilt instantly swept through her. Harry was already gone by the time she woke up. He had an early seminar, which she knew he did because he had told her before they met up with the others at the pub, and she felt terrible that she had kept him up half the night only to make her food. He couldn’t have gotten more than two hours of sleep and it filled her up with guilt.

So much guilt she didn’t leave him a post-it note telling him the kitchen was a mess, because that would’ve just been super fucking rude since it was her fault he was even in the kitchen cocking at 3 am in the first place. Instead she washed up and decided to go out and get his favorite snacks as a thank you, and also because she was craving more chocolate and a fizzy drink.

Being hungover while having your period was really not the best combination.

Y/N hid her tousled hair under a beanie and put on a quick layer of foundation in an attempt to cover up her blotchy skin. It didn’t really help her feel much better about her appearance so she decided to put on a scarf as well to disguise herself as much as possible, just in case she’d run into someone she knew on her way to the store. She didn’t want to be recognised. Not today.

But of course Y/N wasn’t that lucky.

She ran into three people from her course, who all stopped her and chit-chatted to her about their seminars and latest assignment, all while she stood there with a basket full of various brands of crisps, drinks and candy feeling and looking like an absolute troll.

And that wasn’t even the worst.

No.

Because naturally it was also the day she bumped into someone, quite literally, in the stairs on her way back up to the flat.

Y/N yelped and accidentally dropped her bag of snacks as she tried to find her balance. A pair of hands caught her by the shoulders before she fell backwards and when she looked up to see who she had crashed into her whole face turned red.

“Shit, I’m so sorry!” she apologized with wide eyes, her heart beating fast inside her chest.

“No worries,” the man in front of her said and removed his hands from her shoulders, but she kind of wished he hadn’t because his voice was so deep and smoky her knees weakened as he spoke.

Not to mention he had the most stunning pair of eyes she had ever seen. They were a deep, earthy brown color with perfectly long eyelashes she could only ever dream of. He was utterly breathtaking with his long dark hair, scruffy stubble and nose piercing, that she usually didn’t really like on boys but the stranger in front of her made it work. Oh how he made it work.

And as he leaned down to pick up her bag for her she caught a whiff of his fragrance and her knees were seconds away from giving up all together.

“Thank you,” she managed to croak out as he handed her the bag full of snacks and prayed he hadn’t seen what was in it. She looked pathetic enough as it was and she racked her brain for something else to say but there was nothing. Y/N was left completely gobsmacked by the breathtaking man she had just crashed into. Her cheeks only getting hotter and hotter for every second she stood there like a total idiot just staring at him in awe. “I’m Y/N.”

Y/N wanted nothing more than to just sink through the floor in embarrassment. The stranger, thankfully, reached out and shook her extended hand with an amused smile on his lips.

“Luke.”

Luke let his eyes wander up and down her body, taking in her attire, and she had never felt so unattractive as she did in that moment. Why didn’t she at least take a shower before going out? Fuck.

“Right,” she nodded and reached up to adjust her beanie a little, as if it was going to make her look any better. “So eh... do you live here? I haven’t seen you around before.”

What was she doing?

“I do,” Luke confirmed. “I moved in a couple days ago.”

“Awesome.”

Awesome? Fucking idiot. 

She was definitely losing her mind. While she did go on a lot of dates she had not been blessed with the ability to make small talk. 

“I’m guessing you live here as well?” Luke asked and ran a hand through his hair to push back a couple of strands from his face. It was the hottest thing she had ever seen.

“Yeah,” Y/N confirmed, her mouth dry, and she licked her lips nervously. “I’m on the top floor... aaand I should really get going. My roommate is waiting for me.”

“Of course.”

“It was nice to meet you though. Welcome to the building.” Her heart was still racing. “Again, I’m sorry for crashing into you.”

“Like I said, don’t worry about it. It was good to meet you too,” Luke told her and gave her a small wink. “See you around.”

And Y/N didn’t know how it happened but a strange cackle escaped her lips as he winked at her and she ran off before she could witness his reaction to it.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she muttered to herself all the way up to her and Harry’s flat.

Once she got inside she fell back against the door and tried to catch her breath, from both practically running up five flights of stairs and the encounter she had just had with probably the hottest man alive.

She really was pathetic.

After she got herself together she shrugged off her coat and pulled off her stupid beanie, cursing herself yet again for not taking a shower before going to the store. She could at least have put on a cute outfit. But no. She went out looking like a slob.  

And as she sauntered into the flat she realised that Harry was home again, and with him were Nate, Lucy and Connor as well. 

“Well if it isn’t the Quiz-Queen herself,” Nate teased when he saw her and bowed his head mockingly from where he was sitting on the couch. “Glad to see that you’re still alive after last night.”

“We have a new neighbour,” Y/N informed them, ignoring Nate and his teasing comments, because the new neighbour was the only thing on her mind. “I crashed into him on my way up. Literally. I made a complete fool out of myself.”

“Nothing new then,” Connor joked.

“Ha-ha,” Y/N said dryly. “For real though, he was the hottest man I’ve ever seen. He was unreal.”

“Really?” It got Lucy’s attention and she perked up from where she was sitting on the couch with Nate. “What did he look like?”

“Like a damn model right off the runway,” Y/N groaned and collapsed in one of the armchairs. “I’m telling you, he was unreal. Eyelashes that went on forever. Tall. Cheekbones that could cut glass and his hair was soooooo shiny. He didn’t have a single flaw. He even made a nose piercing look good and you know how I feel about those.”

“Aw, I wanna see him too,” Lucy pouted. “Did you get his name?”

“Luke.”

“So our serial dater has another date then I’m assuming,” Connor sniggered.

“I wish,” Y/N replied with a sigh. “I could hardly get a word out. I just stood there and stared at him like a creep.”

“You could always go over and ask to borrow a cup of sugar,” Nate suggested and wiggled his eyebrows. “And then just suck him off to return the favor.”

“You’re an idiot,” Y/N said and raised her middle finger towards him. It also earned him a slap on the arm from Lucy as she scolded her boyfriend. Connor laughed and made a comment about how it would be the perfect porn scene.

And it was also in that moment Y/N realised Harry hadn’t said anything since she had joined them. She glanced over at him where he sat in the armchair across from her and frowned. He looked tired and it caused the guilt in her to rise up again. In addition to that it troubled her that he wasn’t saying anything about the new neighbour or joining in on the jokes. He just sat in his seat and kept his eyes glued to the TV and the random show that was airing. “Harry?”

“What?”

There was something about how he spoke and how he turned to look at her that made her feel even worse. His voice was taut and low. His eyes burned right through her. It was far from the Harry she was used to. She wanted to ask him what was wrong but she also didn’t want to do so in front of the others if they hadn’t noticed it themselves.

“Um, I got some snacks if you want some,” Y/N said instead. She wasn’t sure if the others had noticed at all but she didn’t like it. Maybe he was angry with her for making him stay up so late? What if it had made him late for his seminar?

“Thank you,” he replied half-heartedly and turned his attention back to the TV without another word. Confusion filled the room and she met Lucy’s baffled expression for a split second. Okay they had noticed. Fuck. Y/N looked at Harry again and there was so much she wanted to ask him but at the same time she was at a loss for words. It wasn’t like him to be so tense. Not one bit.

She didn’t like it.

--

On Saturday they were all, once again, out getting drunk. After her hangover on Thursday Y/N had told herself she wasn’t going to drink again that week, but Harry was still being acting weird around her so she was easily persuaded.

Because she needed a drink.

Harry hadn’t really done anything, which was also part of the problem. She hadn’t seen him all Friday or Saturday, not until he turned up for pre-drinks at Connor’s flat. And once he was there he didn’t even look at her or talk to her. It bothered her. A lot. She hadn’t had the chance to ask him what was wrong and nothing was making sense. She tried to remember if she had said something inappropriate to him on Wednesday, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t figure out why he was being off with her.

Which is why, after a couple of drinks, she took the first chance she got to confront him about it.

She spotted him alone at one of the tables inside the club they were at and marched right up, ignoring the people she accidentally bumped into on her way, and plopped herself down on the leather sofa next to him. The beer she was carrying spilled over in her hand as she did but she paid no attention to it and Harry looked at her with questioning eyes.

“What’s going on with you?” Y/N wasted no time. The music was loud around them and she had to lean into him to make sure he heard her, his curls tickled her upper lip from how close she was. Harry only shrugged.

“Nothing is going on.”

“Oh really? Could’ve fooled me,” she said, almost shouting because of the music, and rolled her eyes. “You’re acting strange.”

“Nothing is going on,” Harry repeated and pursed his lips, looking away from her. Y/N tilted her head forward, to force him to look at her again, and waved her hand in front of his face.

“Look at me then,” she cried out in frustration. “Stop ignoring me and tell me what’s going on!”

It wasn’t the best spot for them to be having a conversation. A couple of people from the tables around them looked over curiously and the dim lights and loud music of club made it harder than what she would’ve liked. She had originally planned to talk to him that morning but he had gone out before she even woke up and it was the last sign she needed to know that he was avoiding her. So talking to him at a busy club felt like the only option. 

She flinched back as Harry unexpectedly turned to face her, almost knocking his head into hers.

”You know for wanting to find love so badly you’re really fucking blind.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Y/N frowned. Harry scoffed.

“You’re so oblivious,” he began. “If you just stopped being so desperate and so obsessed with finding the perfect guy for one damn second then maybe you’d-” Harry stopped himself and pressed his lips together in a thin line as he looked down at the beer in his hands. 

“Then what Harry?” she demanded, and didn’t even bother to try calm the anger that was stirring inside her. Harry ignoring her made her feel worse than she ever could’ve imagined. Nothing could’ve prepared her for it. She hated it. “I wouldn’t be so unlovable?”

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Don’t,” Harry warned. “You know I would never say that. Don’t be daft.”  

“Do I?” she kept challenging him. The alcohol in her bloodstream gave her enough courage to not back down. Even if the loud music made it harder to hear what the other one was saying there was no way she was going to drop it. She needed to know what was going on. She couldn’t go another day with Harry ignoring her; she was too used to having him around for him to just cut her off.

“Yes, you do,” he spat.

“But you think I’m desperate?” she spat back and Y/N wasn’t sure why she was picking a fight with him in the middle of a full packed club, but she was.

Because at least he was talking to her.

“Yeah I do,” Harry admitted and licked his lips. She struggled to breathe a little after that. Her chest felt too tight. “Why are you so set on having the perfect relationship? No couple is perfect.”

“Lucy and Nate are,” she stated, not wanting her facade to falter in front of him. Her throat was dry but her eyes were burning with wet tears because she hated this. She hated it so much.

“No, they’re not,” Harry sneered loudly. “Both of them are far from fucking perfect. Nate is a menace and Lucy is a nutter.”

“Harry, don’t be a dick.”

“What? So just because they’re my friends I’m only allowed see the good in them? I still love both of them and they still love each other even if they’re not perfect,” he insisted. “You know they end up arguing like every night we go out, right? Over something stupid Nate said or some insane shit Lucy did. Do you know how many times Lucy has asked me for advice when it comes to Nate? They’re not perfect.”

“So I’m desperate because I want to find someone who is perfect for me?”

“What if you already have?”

“What?”

The music was still loud around them but suddenly the only thing she could hear was her own beating heart.

And suddenly she became aware of just how close the two of them actually were. Harry’s nose brushed against hers as his mouth carefully, barely, grazed her lips. His breath was hot on her face and oh wow, had his eyelashes always been that long?

Y/N wanted to reach out and touch him, but the way he was looking at her made her unable to move any part of her body. She was frozen; waiting for him to make the next move because she was far too overwhelmed by his presence to do anything herself. He was so close. Too close -- but at the same time not close enough. She wondered if he could hear her heart as well. 

“Oi, oi!”

Out of the blue Declan flopped down next to her on the sofa and just like that she was brought back into reality and away from Harry’s green eyes. Declan had two pints of beer with him and grinned at the two of them; clueless to what he had just interrupted. He didn’t come alone though, soon the rest of the gang had gathered around the small table. All so clueless.

Y/N watched as Harry drank what was left of his beer and glared at Declan and the rest while she tried to stop her head from spinning so much. What had just happened?

They were all talking around her but their voices got lost in the loud music and her own thoughts.

‘What if you already have?’ what was that even supposed to mean?

She wanted to turn and look at Harry again but she was too scared of what he might do or say and too scared that everyone else was going to notice something was wrong and ask them about it. Instead she just kept her eyes down to where her thigh was pressing into Harry’s after Declan had squeezed himself down beside them.

Thankfully no one else seemed to pick up on tension between the two of them but Y/N still regretted absolutely everything about her decision to talk to Harry. It hadn’t helped make anything clearer and she was now stuck next to him in a busy club with their drunk friends. Great.

To make things worse she then, out of nowhere, heard someone call her name and she nearly dropped her drink as she noticed who it belonged to. Well fuck.

“Luke.” 

His name fell from her lips as soon as she spotted him waving at her. He came up and stood behind Nate and Lucy, with his hands in his pockets and his hair slicked back perfectly. Lucy was quick to turn around to get a look at the guy Y/N had been raving about just a couple days ago. Then she looked at Y/N again with her jaw hanging open and gave her a look that confirmed Luke was indeed as flawless as he had been described. 

The tension was thick and awkward as Luke stood before her and her friends, more specifically Harry, and Y/N could feel him tense up beside her as he stared Luke down. She had no idea what to say or do. “This is our new neighbour I was telling you about,” was the only thing she could think of. The smirk on Luke’s face as he heard that she had been talking about him didn’t go unnoticed.

“Y’alright then?” Luke asked and nodded towards Y/N. She couldn’t breathe. How was he there? After everything that had just happened with Harry... where did Luke even come from? She hadn’t processed her conversation with Harry yet, how was she supposed to have a conversation with Luke again, in front of everyone, when her head was so scrambled?

“Yeah, I’m great.” What a fucking lie.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Oh.” What was happening? “Ummmm, I don’t - well I - ehm I-”

“Yes! She would love a drink!” Tara interrupted her with a big grin, and any other time she would’ve been grateful for her friend stepping in and helping, but now? “Wouldn’t you?” Y/N wasn’t even sure.

“I ehhh - well, I guess so?”

What?

Her whole body was screaming NO when she got up and felt Harry’s warmth leave her side. His eyes burned into her back and it was a miracle she even made it to the bar with Luke without vomiting right there and then.

Two days ago, when she first bumped into Luke, all she wanted was to go on a date with him. But something had changed. Something inside her had clicked, and it wasn’t her hormones or the alcohol this time. All she could think about as Luke talked to her and bought her a new drink was how he wasn’t Harry.

Luke didn’t know how she liked her tea. Luke didn’t know she couldn’t go straight to bed after watching a thriller or anything that resembled a scary movie; she needed to watch something more upbeat and cheerful before going to sleep. Luke didn’t know she liked to keep things in order. Luke didn’t know she ate her weight in chocolate when she got her period. Luke didn’t know she loved mint chocolate chip ice cream. Luke didn’t know she called her mum at least once a day. Luke didn’t know she was desperate to find love. 

Harry did.

Harry knew all those things.

And as she stood at the bar with Luke she realised he wasn’t actually flawless. He was still gorgeous, only a little less breathtaking that time around because he knew he looked good and he wasn’t humble about it. He smelled like cigarettes and she hated the smell of smoke mixed with his strong cologne. It gave her a headache. He also couldn’t keep his eyes off her cleavage and didn’t bother asking her anything about herself.

His nose piercing didn’t even look that good.

Luke wasn’t flawless and she didn’t really like him. 

Harry wasn’t flawless either... but she still liked him. 

“And that’s when we-”

“You know what Luke,” she interrupted and put a finger up to stop him from talking. “I think I have to get back to my friends. But um... “ She glanced at the drink he had bought her before picking it up and downed it in one go, because he had paid for it and the least she could do was drink it. The alcohol burned a little in the back of her throat and she accidentally spilled a few drops down her shirt. She hardly noticed though because she was just aching to get back to her friends. Luke looked at her with wide eyes and a puzzled expression. “Thanks for the drink! I’ll see you around.”

With that she walked off with just one thing, or rather someone, on her mind.

But that someone wasn’t there when she found her friends again. She spotted Lucy and her bright dress sitting on Nate’s lap. She spotted Tara having a conversation with a girl from the table next to them. She spotted Declan and Connor laughing loudly over something on their phones.

She did not spot Harry.

Tara was the first one to notice her standing there just staring at the empty seat where Harry was sat a while ago. Tara excused herself from the conversation she was having and came up to Y/N, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Where is Harry?”

“He left,” Tara told her. “I think.”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Lucy came up to her as well, with a small frown on her face, worried something had happened. “Is everything alright?”

“I need to talk to Harry,” Y/N said and looked around the club; hoping to spot his curls somewhere in the crowd. Her eyes stung with tears when she couldn’t see him.

“He left after you walked off,” Lucy confirmed softly. “Is everything alright? Did something happen with Luke?”

“Yes- I mean no. I have to go,” was all she told them before she rushed off. “I need Harry.”

Y/N wasn’t aware of the three words that left her mouth but it didn’t make them any less true. It all made so much sense. It had clicked. ‘What if you already have?’ 

Yes. 

How could she have been so blind?

--

When she finally made it home she was out of breath from running all the way from the bus stop to their flat. She prayed Harry had actually gone home and not continued his night at some other club. She wasn’t sure what she’d do if he had. 

But as soon as she stepped inside she heard the familiar sound of his guitar coming from his bedroom and she didn’t even bother catching her breath before walking across the flat in a couple of strides. She hadn't really thought anything through. Her whole body was just screaming at her that she needed Harry and it couldn't wait. 

Harry left his dirty dishes out. He sometimes forgot to put the toilet seat down. He was disorganized. He did not only leave his dirty dishes out but he could also leave his dirty socks lying around the flat. He didn't like the same music as her. He could be petty and immature. He had ignored her for two days. 

But Harry also made her tea when she was having a bad day. He made her laugh. He made her food in middle of the night. He always asked about her day. He helped her home when she got too drunk. He sometimes surprised her with breakfast. He understood her. He made her feel at ease and she could always be herself around him. 

All of the good thing outweighed the bad, and the bad was only part of who he was; Harry, her roommate, her friend, the boy who she hadn't realised gave her butterflies until now.

And perhaps she should’ve knocked or at least made her presence known in any other way because as she slung his bedroom door open Harry was visibly startled and a sour note came from his guitar. He looked at her with wide eyes. 

“Y/N? What the fuck?”

“Do I have any flaws?” she asked him breathlessly. 

“What?” he asked. “What do you mean?” 

“What about me annoys you?” 

 “Shouldn’t you be off getting a drink with Mr. Flawess himself.”

“Well I changed my mind. Now just answer the question,” she urged, wanting to cut straight to the chase. Harry frowned and she wasn’t really sure if he was angry with her or just confused. Maybe both? It didn’t matter though, she just needed answers before she passed out from the anxiety running through her. “Do I have any flaws?”

“I - yeah. You do,” he said. Y/N nodded and stepped further into his room, wanting to be closer to him. “Why?” 

“Just - wait,” she told him and ignored his question by asking her own. “What are they?”

Harry didn’t reply at first. He just sat in silence and stared at her with his brows still pressed together in a frown. God, what if she had gotten it all wrong? She’d have to give up the flat to Harry and move out, leave Manchester, maybe even leave the UK. She’d be absolutely mortified; she’d never recover from it. 

Just as she lost all hope and considered running off to hide in her own bedroom for the rest of the night, possibly for the rest of the term, Harry slowly put his guitar to the side. He rubbed his hand over his chin and pinched the bottom of his lip between his index finger and his thumb, contemplating his next few words cautiously.

“You’re incredibly stubborn,” he told her and despite the fact that he had just basically insulted her a wave relief washed over her as he finally said something. 

“Okay, what else?” 

“You ask way too many questions during a movie.”

“Okay.”

“You overthink absolutely everything.”

“More.”

“You leave notes around the flat over the most meaningless things.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t leave the kitchen a mess then.”

“You have too much milk in your tea.”

“You don’t have enough.”

Harry cracked a smile but it faltered almost just as quickly.

“You want love but don’t see the person right in front of you who has fallen head over heels for you.”

Y/N had never seen or heard him as vulnerable as he was right there and then. For a moment she wondered if maybe she had misheard him but judging by his nervous fidgeting and how he for the first time ever struggled to look her in the eyes she quickly realised she hadn’t.  

“I do now,” she admitted quietly, almost too quiet, and shifted her weight from one foot to the other awkwardly. “I see you.” 

Harry still heard her and looked right into her eyes as he took a sharp breath. Her body ached to feel his touch as she stood in the middle of his room, terrified of what she was about to ask next, but there was no going back. It was, after all, the reason she had followed him home. “And you still like me despite all my flaws?”

“Well,” Harry started and fought back a smile. “I suppose I wouldn’t have saved all your notes if I didn't.” 

It was really all it took for her to close the space between them and throw herself over him. Harry was quick to catch her and his arms wrapped around her body tightly, holding her close, as she pressed her lips to his.

It was strange kissing him and she didn’t quite know where to put her own hands at first, but it felt right that much she knew. Her whole body was on fire from just a simple little kiss. Y/N never wanted it to stop. Harry grinned against her lips before deepening the kiss and sneaked his hands in under her blazer, pushing it off her shoulders before running his hands over her body. 

She wrapped her arms around his neck and it was almost ridiculous how giddy she felt. Harry made her feel drunk, more so than the alcohol in her body. Nothing had ever tasted as good as him. She was completely lost in him and his warmth. 

It wasn’t until she felt him pull at her trousers that she was reminded of reality again and she pulled away from his lips. “You okay?” Harry asked immediately.

“Yeah,” she panted and leaned her forehead against his, twirling the hair in the back of his neck around her finger carefully. “I just... I still got my period.”

“Okay,” Harry nodded and tightened his grip on her, still holding her close, and she was sure she could feel his heartbeat against hers. “S’that all? Because frankly I don’t really care about a little blood right now.”

“Oh.”

“Do you?”

“I... no.”

“You sure?” Harry wondered and placed his fingers under her chin and angled her face so he could look into her eyes. He saw right through her and her mind was hazy as her body melted right into his. Harry made her feel safe and comfortable and it was all she needed to know she was sure.  

She needed him. 

“Give me a second,” she said and gave him a quick peck before getting off him. It pained her to do so but even as she made her way over to the bathroom to remove her tampon, perhaps one of the most unattractive things you could do, Harry’s eyes on her as she walked away made her feel sexier than she ever had before.

She didn’t waste a single second inside the bathroom and quickly did what she had to before she just about ran back to Harry’s bedroom. She caught a quick glimpse of herself in the mirror and couldn’t help but laugh. She looked dazed. But in the best possible way. Her cheeks were rosy. Her hair was messy. Lips swollen. It was the first time she had ever seen herself look so radiant. Glowing almost. 

Happy.

She also decided to not put her trousers back on after she was done in the bathroom, because why waste time when she was planning to take them off soon anyway?

And Harry seemed to have had the same idea because when she came back he had already removed his floral shirt and his beige trousers as well. His lips were the same colour as her lipstick and he didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was staring at her bare legs and underwear. It made her whole body tingle and she didn’t mind him gawking, because she couldn’t take her own eyes away from his naked chest and the bulge between his legs.

“Come here,” Harry murmured and held out his hand for her to take. He gently pulled at her arm until she was sitting on top of him on the bed, straddling his hips. The lack of clothing on both of them made her blush as he embraced her and she felt all of him under her.  

Harry cupped one of his hands under her jaw and leaned in to kiss her again. It started out slow but as soon as his lips touched her a soft moan came from her. His lips were slightly chapped and yet they were the best lips she had ever kissed. It didn't matter that they weren’t perfectly soft. Not one bit. Y/N never wanted to kiss anyone else ever again. 

The kiss quickly deepend and she had her hands in his hair, tugging at his soft curls and getting lost in the taste of his lips. She was throbbing against him and knew he could also feel just how desperately she wanted him through the thin lace of her panties. His lips were eager against hers and she was too lost in him to notice he had blindly reached out to the bedside table and sought out a condom.

It wasn’t until she felt his hand and the small foil packet brush against her leg that she realised. She pulled back and met his green eyes, breathing hard as she tried to find her words to speak. He looked back at her with questioning eyes, silently asking her if she was alright with what was happening between them, and she just nodded. 

She sat back to give him some room and watched as he pulled himself out of his boxers and then helped him get them off before he rolled the condom over his length. The sight alone made her light-headed and, if he hadn’t already, she was sure he could hear how hard her heart was beating. He also caught her staring but she didn’t really care and he only pulled her back into him.

He kissed her along her collarbone, sucking lightly at the skin as he made his way up to her neck. Y/N closed her eyes and hummed with pleasure as she tilted her head to the side to give him better access. Harry ran his hands up and down her back and then slipped his hands in under the tank top she was wearing before he pulled it off her swiftly. 

Harry took a few seconds to stare at her naked chest when he discovered she wasn’t wearing a bra before he kissed each of her breasts lightly, making her nipples hard. Y/N just cupped his face and pulled his head up so she could kiss him again, impatient and desperate to feel him inside her and he giggled against her lips. 

Harry only pushed the crotch of her underwear to the side when he lined himself up under her. She gasped as she slowly sank down onto him and had to break their kiss. Harry had one hand around her thigh and the other on the back of her head, her hair twisted between his fingers, as they breathed the same air. 

When she eventually started to move her hips after getting used to the stretch of him he groaned softly, low in his throat, and tightened the grip he had on her. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

Her blood rushed inside her and her whole chest and face flushed from hearing his words and how hoarse his voice was. She put her hands on his stomach, her fingers digging into his skin around his tattoo, before lifting her hips and taking all of him again; craving the friction created between the two of them.

Harry moaned and let his head fall backwards, breathing heavily, and she couldn’t take her eyes away from his strong jawline. She also couldn’t stop herself from kissing him right there and Harry moaned again as he felt her lips on his skin. 

It made her smile; knowing she was having the same affect on him that he had on her. 

Y/N did her best to find a steady rhythm riding him but her thighs were trembling around him and it had been awhile since she had been on top of anyone. She had almost forgotten how to do it. Harry bucked his hips up into her and she barely had time to react before he impatiently flipped them over and yanked her underwear off.

A loud moan left her lips as he pushed right back into her and instantly built up a new quicker pace, giving her all of him and hitting the spot in her that made her toes curl. He leaned down and connected their mouths again. His chest was slick with sweat as his body pressed against hers and her hands were all over him because she just couldn’t decide where to put them. She wanted all of him. 

And when Harry hoisted himself up and hooked one of her legs over his shoulder to get deeper she didn’t care if any of their neighbours heard her.

“Oh my god.”

Then his fingers were stroking her between her legs and it quite literally took her breath away. Her whole body was trembling as she felt every hot and thick inch of him. Her release was close, she could feel it in the pit of her stomach and he could see it on her as he continued to move above her.

And not once did Harry lose his pace or falter when her nails scratched his back and she clenched tightly around him as her orgasm swept through her body. He kept thrusting into her while she moaned and shivered beneath him.

Just as she came down from her high he got his own release and came with a loud sigh of relief. He continued to move his hips against hers until his muscles gave up from exhaustion and he collapsed on top of her.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, both spent, and she tried to catch her breath. 

Which was hard seeing as he was still on top of her and she could still feel him inside her.

When he raised his head to look down at her, grinning from ear to ear, her whole stomach fluttered. And this time she knew it was because of Harry. It wasn’t because of alcohol. Not because she had a hangover. Not because she was stressed. Maybe because of a few hormones. 

But there were just no excuses. 

Eventually Harry got up. He removed the used condom and retrieved a small towel to clean himself up quickly before handing it over and climbing back into bed with her.

Y/N curled up against his chest and let him run his fingers through her hair, gently scratching the top of her head, and she was seconds away from falling asleep when he spoke up.

“I’m sorry for calling you desperate.”

Y/N tilted her head up to look at him.

“S’okay, I have been a little.”

“Still,” he mumbled. “Wasn’t really fair of me.”

“You know you could’ve just told me.”

“I was going to,” Harry admitted with a low chuckle. “But you always came back home announcing you were going on another date so it never really felt like the right time.”

“Hmm, well you didn’t really help yourself by bringing a girl back like every weekend,” she pointed out and laughed lightly. “It was hard to not be blind.”

“Had to try to forget about you somehow,” Harry admitted and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, letting his lips linger for a few seconds before continuing. “But you and your stupid post-it notes made it hard.”

“Did you really save all of them?” she asked and pushed herself up so she was leaning on her elbows. She couldn’t stop herself from grinning proudly. Harry laughed and tipped his head back, covering his face with his hands as his cheeks turned pink.

“God, I’m gonna regret telling you that aren’t I?”

“Maybe,” she laughed again before giving his chest a quick kiss, just because she could. “I do kind of enjoy writing them for you though.”

“Of course you do,” Harry said and peaked out from behind his hands with a cheeky smile. “And I enjoy leaving the kitchen a mess because I know you’ll leave me a new one,” he confessed and tapped her nose. 

“I fuckin’ knew it!” she exclaimed with a gasp and shoved him away from her playfully. “You absolute knobhead!” 

Harry only laughed and pulled her back into his warm body. 

On her way back home from the club Y/N had been a little bit worried that she was wrong or that it was going to be weird to go from roommates to more with Harry -- but it felt like the most natural thing. It felt just as natural as everything else they already did together, and maybe that was why she had been so picky recently. Maybe it was why she looked for flaws in every guy she dated so she had an excuse to not see them again. She had already found what she wanted; she just hadn’t realised. How stupid.

“Hey Harry?”

“Hm?”

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

-- 

please let me know your thoughts here ! And please share it if you liked it, it would mean a lot to me! 💛

[alkcmist]

hey folks, i’m emma ( 23, she/her, pst ) ! mother to one chain-smoking russian man in a fluffy tuxedo cat’s body ( holland vosijk / the architect ) & one capitalist papillon named lilou. a double libra ( yikes ) and recovering kpop stan who knows too many memes and can’t convert fractions to decimals. i read the grisha trilogy when i was fifteen & scheduled an entire day off work a month in advance just to binge watch the tv show... but enough embarrassing things about me. give this a like & i’ll send ya a message for plots !

[ yelizaveta yahontov ], a [ forty ] year old grisha in the little palace. she is an [ alkemi ] and is known in the little palace as the [ black widow ]. she is known to be [ shrewd ] and [ unyielding ] and vaguely resembles [ keira knightley ].

statistics. 

𝐓𝐋𝐃𝐑 ;

young ravkan alkemi who enjoys the war a little too much leaves the second army to fulfill her arranged marriage to a kerch merchant. surprise ! she’s in ketterdam producing narcotics for her husband ( & not very happy about it ). but tragedies like the plague happen every so often in ketterdam.  she says goodbye to johannes vos on the bank of the reaper’s barge.  the poison is untraceable. life goes on. 

𝐇𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

abuse tw, death/murder tw, drug mention.

ten minutes separate her & thomas. when she arrives ( screaming ), the yahontovs gaze upon her with an unbalanced cross of disappointment ( from her father ) and dread ( from her mother ). then, promptly passed over to the nanny in favor of the one true heir.

it starts with ballet and doesn't end until she can play both piano and violin, speak ravkan, kerch, and passable shu, and point out the obvious differences in fine art to uninterested parties. she sees more of her caretakers—tutors, maids, and the widowed kaelish governess—than her parents, and she’s ever so grateful.

she is an energetic child impervious to the words “no”, “don’t” and “stop”, yearning for a scrap of warmth and attention. old enough to recognize the odious, disapproving look in her parent’s eyes and register it as something normal. her torment increases with the same intensity she’s struck, scarred, locked away in a closet for hours, screamed, and glowered at.

despite liza’s rebellious behavior, their parents put off thomas and liza’s grisha testing for as long as possible. their father doesn’t want to lose his only heir to the darkling’s second army, but eventually the twins are shipped off like a packaged deal. 

combat training is a short and minor requirement for alkemi, but liza takes to it like breathing. even when she is breathing blood, even when she is breathing dust. she learns to spit without shame, to yell without insecurity, to be herself. she calls it freedom. her mother calls it a problem.

liza tries not to pay too much attention to it -- the disapproving glances, the hushed whispers between her mother and her friends. her mother isn’t sure yelizaveta yahontov fits well enough into high society, and yelizaveta’s not sure she's wrong. lady yahontov’s solution comes in the form of a wealthy otkazat’sya merchant all the way from ketterdam. an advantageous marriage. 

enlisting in the second army feels a lot like running away. she can put off her marriage for as long as she serves in the darkling’s army. shockingly, liza rises in the ranks rather quickly for someone with an issue with authority. her talent for combat ( particularly poisoned knife throwing ) places her closer to the front lines and farther from her fiancé. 

the wedding party, however, is lavish and debauched, lasting for days. nonetheless, liza threatens to leave johannes vos the day after they arrive at ketterdam. her new husband desires an alkemi more than a wife. liza reminds herself this is not technically indentured servitude and begins working for the small business her conveniently husband failed to mention. for a while, liza makes the most of it. she perfects her craft, learns the business, finds a thrill in rubbing elbows with the dirtier side of the barrel. but over time her husband irritates her. he chews with his mouth open, asks too many questions ( why is the gardener in our bed ? did you blow up the kitchen again ? ) ,  & ( worst of all ) doesn’t let her visit her brother in os alta. 

kasimir is born without complications following a history of miscarriages and a turbulent pregnancy. a wholly restored and reformed woman, liza distances herself from her old life to focus on her new family.

she doesn’t miss johannes when he’s gone. tragedies like the plague happen every so often in ketterdam.  she says goodbye to him on the banks of the reaper’s barge.  the poison is untraceable. life goes on. 

she returns to ravka & raises kasimir on her own ( plus the help of nannies, tutors, her brother, and the recurrent visits from handsome men ). pills, caviar, & four bumps for breakfast. a wild feline pacing a gilded cage. she still doesn’t feel more alive than when she’s in a warzone. 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 + 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒

anyone who knows her as a trainer and mentor rather than a peer will tell you she was sent straight from hell. 

( she was, in fact, sent straight from hellsgate. )

at first, liza comes off as cold, strict, & brutally stubborn. affectionate & maternal with only a select few.

silent & intimidating as a shark, slipping by entirely unnoticed until you feel a cold chill prickling the back of your neck & you realize she’s right behind you.

[ walter white vc ] i am the one who knocks.

outside of work, liza is a bit more relaxed. built on champagne bottles, makeup, jewels, furs, and coke spoons. she never picked up the spartan indifference to decadence and beautiful things the army tried to instill in her. truly, if she can’t show to to the function in a custom ball gown, shaping the latest trends of the season to her tastes and destroying other women’s self esteem in the process, is it even worth attending ?

tries to be the carefree “Cool Girl”.  a brand™ first, a yahontov heir second, and a person last. this can make her easily dismissible as frivolous and vapid, and liza usually lets them. she likes to surprise people. 

sitting in the tranquil eye of liza’s hurricane is thomas, her twin & ultimate weakness. liza theorizes he took all the heart & compassion in the womb and left none for her to share. 

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

high society / liza likes to be entertained by those less repressed than she is. if you’re rich, decadent, deranged, or simply fun, liza could see you as a companion.  if you're just young and beautiful — well, stop being poor. 

old friends / a small handful of grisha liza grew up with & trusts ( kind of ) & served with in the second army. the age range would probably be 35 to 45. 

combat trainees & alkemi apprentices / if you were one of her students, odds are you hate her. i would also love to see more complicated relationships with former students. maybe somehow your character doesn’t despise her & rather loves/fears/respects her ?

more to be added probably :-)

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Sarah Ellen Parsons

Sarah Ellen Parsons has 18 X-Files stories at Gossamer and 19 at AO3. If you want high quality fic with interesting characters, go read her stories. Some of my favorites of her fics are The Crouching Thing and My Constant Touchstone Who Makes Me A Whole Person (which are two very different stories!). Big thanks to Sarah Ellen for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

With today's binge-watching culture, I'm not at all surprised. You can watch a bunch of eps and then seek out fic that is where you are in the series.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I took away a writer's group Yes, Virginia, that is still together.  Mostly as friends, but whenever I write something, or someone else writes something, it's the first place we all run for machete beta. I have betad SO MANY novels.

We have a number of folks who are published writers since then and our time in X-Files fic brought us lifelong friendships IRL and made us all better at our craft. The majority of those folks were better writers than I am. And I make my living as a writer in my day-job.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

I belonged to a couple of the largest lists and posted there and bitched about the show on usenet with everyone else.  We had our own Yahoo group for beta.  We all had crappy GeoCities websites that we programmed the HTML for ourselves and hooked through various fandom link circles to get traffic to our stories.  But the main method of distribution was the lists.

Fun fact, I found a free page counter thing that I used at work one time through fandom. So fandom pays off in skillz.

Even without social media, we managed to get our stories in front of readers who would enjoy them. Where there's a will, there's always someone ready to step up and find a way.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Again, I have lifelong friends IRL that I got solely from fanfiction. That's the best takeaway.

Fandom disappointed me because it, like everything else, is ruined by people's egos, backstabbing, and petty people who get in positions of power and then use those positions to punch down or dictate. I was young when I was writing X-Files and I still had hope that people would rise to their better natures, so I got involved in various futile efforts to try to make people behave the way I wanted them to behave, I guess. I did a lot of public bitching that didn't serve me or my friends well. I now put that effort into politics, where it does actual good.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

X-files was made for me. It combined science fiction, mystery, horror.  I love all of those genres. Plus there was Scully. No matter how sexist that writer's room was, Scully was awesome. But you kept seeing bad writing. Even in the heyday seasons, like Season 3, there were really terrible eps that made you want to fix things.

I'm a lifelong speculative fiction fan and a published feminist science fiction author. I actually was published before I fell down the fic hole. I got involved in fanfic due to getting my fantasy novel turned down from every major publisher for being "too dark". And I needed to get readers to see my stuff to prove to myself that I wasn't terrible at writing. I got a ton of feedback and it was like market research to see what people wanted to read.

My time in fanfiction made me 100% a better writer than I was.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I went to the X-Files Expo to see if I could make contact with someone from Harper Collins because the tie-in novels sucked so hard.  I got rejected with my pitch as I didn't have a literary agent.

Around that time, a pal who I watched X-Files with IRL was looking for a free X-files wallpaper for her work computer when she found the website where fans in Pennsylvania had fic archived. She read some and wrote to me - "you need to see this, and you can do better."  So I started reading and was.... I probably CAN do better. So I wrote The Batman Plot. And made two friends I'm still friends with with that one story.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Nonexistent.  I couldn't even watch the latest season and I saw only 2 of season one of whatever that was before I gave up. I have never watched the second movie.

X-files is my first fandom bad ex-husband. I loved it SO MUCH, but it betrayed me.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I was deep into Harry Potter for a while, but I didn't end up publishing anything in it. All my stories were novel-length and I was writing so much for work, I never completed anything. I called Snape/Lily when Prisoner of Azkaban was published and got Jossed by Rowling in one of my big ideas. (This is bad fandom ex-husband 2. JKR will never get a dime of money from me again because of her hateful stance on transfolk. I have RL friends who are trans and NO.)

I wrote fic in Supernatural. It was the obvious next thing after X-Files. However, the misogyny and bringing in all the Angel/Devil Christofascist stuff lost me. The ep where they declared all other religions other than Christianity as invalid and killed a Hindu god made me stop watching for good. I know enough Christofascists IRL that I can't tolerate it in my fiction. (Bad fandom ex-husband 3)

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

This list is far too long to actually make.  But characters I spent time writing about include: Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Co. (I wrote three unpublished Star Trek novels before I found online fandom). King Arthur and Morgan Le Fay, Sherlock Holmes (I wrote a Sherlock Holmes play after seeing "Crucifer of Blood" and entered it in a national competition, where I got very nice comments back.), Mulder, Scully and Krycek, Rowling's Hermione and Snape (like him or not, its masterful characterization), Dean and Sam Winchester, John Winchester and Bobby Singer.  I wrote one comedy story starring Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  A couple of Roswell stories under a different name. Catwoman and Batman. I have some unpublished Avengers fanfic lying around as I'm an OG Marvel fan with a massive comic collection.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I was on a business trip a few years ago and FX had a marathon and I watched part of it when I was in my hotel room. Early seasons are comforting, but I don't go back there now.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I don't read X-Files fic anymore. I read a tiny bit of Star Wars after the second movie because Rian Johnson had it right. Now I don't care. I love Mandalorian, but am content to watch.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Too many to count.  All of YV. Which reminds me, I need to go update our entry at Fanlore. I promised Punk I'd do it a while back.  I need to at least get everyone linked.  Right now it's only Punk and Sab.

But it was a ton of us.  Marasmus, Maria Nicole, Cofax, CazQ, M. Sebasky, Livia Balaban, Kelly Keil, Wen, Ropobop, Jess Mabe, JET, fialka, and a bunch of others that I can't remember their fic names any more, just their real names because I know them all IRL. I need to go back and look up their fic names and link them up there.

In addition to my little group of pals, I loved reading Mustang Sally and Rivka T, Rachel Anton - I keep trying to find her to encourage her to write romance if she's not doing it already, but no dice, Dasha K., Anjou, there were so many great ones, but their names have slipped my mind in the past 20 years.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I'm most known for Prone, and I'm proud of that story for all kinds of reasons, but I think my very best is The Crouching Thing.

I mostly didn't publish anything I didn't think was good and hadn't been machete betaed within an inch of its life, but I'm not sure much of the angsty romance stuff holds up as well. I think it worked when the show was still ON and we were all in that emotional headspace, but probably not now.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

Funny you ask. I am currently reworking a plot idea I had for an X-Files fic into a contemporary M/M novel, which I will publish under a different pen-name. The plot is the idea I had for X-Files, the characters are very, very different other than one is uptight and the other more easy-going. But no more Mulder and Scully.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I have been making my living as a writer for 25 years. I write the word count equivalent of 5 Tolkein novels a year, just for my day-job.  I am turning back to original fiction, which is where I was before X-Files.  I'm working on the M/M thing, a high fantasy thing, a low fantasy historical thing and a bunch of M/F Regency romances as I get time and energy.  I publish Fantasy and SF under my real name. Romance has pen names as you don't want that getting back to your workplace, either.

SEP is fic only and here she will stay.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I have too many ideas to count.  I try to write them down when they come, so I won't forget. At least the outline of the idea. Often a scene. I've been like this my entire life. I started writing novels seriously at 15. I wrote a 500 plus page one about Morgan Le Fay during breaks in high school because "Mists of Avalon" pissed me off so bad as I'd read the original source material and that was a Wicca recruitment polemic.

What's the story behind your pen name?

Sarah Ellen was my great-grandma, Parsons was her grandma's last name.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

Half my friends ARE fic friends. Most of my friends know as does my brother, who thinks writing for free is dumb. This is universally agreed on by non-fic friends who know. My mother still doesn't know about the fic. Just the "real" writing.  I write under a pen name to keep it away from my job and my published work.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

My X-files stuff is up on Gossamer mostly. I'm trying to get the stories all moved to AO3 for all the genres. I'm working on this now.  SEP is really not a living thing anymore, but there was a time when she was more me than me.

If you want to find my "real" non-fic writing, write to me at se_parsons at yahoo dot com and I will point you at it.

And PLEASE someone, hunt down Rachel Anton and get her writing something we all can BUY.  Where are my old Krycek bitches at?  Do any of you know where she is? [Lilydale note: I’ve tried contacting Rachel Anton for this Old School X project but have not had luck. I would love to find her too!]

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

The community I loved has mostly moved on, but I think we left a legacy of solid work crafted out of our love for the show.  Find a living community you love for a show you love.  There are great people out there creating and get involved.  It will be worth it.

(Posted by Lilydale on December 15, 2020)

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

Dump His Ass (Bakugou Katsuki X Reader)

Summary: You’re used to your boyfriend’s insults but when he crosses the line, you make him pay for it.

I love Stranger Things! XD I have that to thank for this title, seriously that’s the best advice if you have someone a partner, girl or boy, if they disrespect you too much or do something that betrays your trust or anything of the sort, dump their ass. :3

Featuring a Chubby!Reader

So that’ll be fun~. I can relate as a chubby person myself~.

Warning: Angst, swearing, and Stranger Things 3 Spoilers are in here so... read at your own risk...

Featuring: Lord Explosion Murder!!

You were everything, everything that I wanted... We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it... All of the memories so close to me, just fade away... All this time you were pretending, So much for my happy ending.

-My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne

“ARGH…”

You put your hands in your head in frustration, fed up with all the work you had to do since despite the fact that it was summer, you still had work to do before you actually got that blessed summer break. The first thing you wanted to do once that break comes? Watch the new season of Stranger Things!!

It didn’t embarrass you when you said that you were dodging spoilers faster than any attacks you got during sparring matches with your classmates. You were so excited, even though you probably should have focused more on schoolwork and all that, you really just wanted to see the new season to one of your favorite shows.

And who knows? Maybe you can even convince your explosive-happy boyfriend to binge-watch it with you. You believed in miracles after all.

After all, Katsuki Bakugou was dating you; he was actually dating you. Yes, you two have been friends since childhood, along with your sweet dear friend Izuku Midoriya, but you were still hella surprised. Considering that your quirk wasn’t at it’s strongest and then compared to the other girls, you considered yourself rather… not pretty, given your weight, skin and overall appearance. 

Bakugou would hold you like you were the most beautiful thing in the world, and was even sometimes gentle with you every time the two of you hugged, but his kisses were a little rough and passionate as he would press you against the wall and caress your thick form and plump curves. Your face flushed every time you remembered how his strong hands felt when he held you close, and touched you in places that only you gave him permission to touch. He made you feel beautiful, and you loved every bit of it because that was enough to make you think that maybe you were beautiful.

No, you weren’t really that proud or that confident, but you liked to think you were enthusiastic enough and quirky, so that made up for it right?

You thought so.

Your friends certainly thought so every time you got excited about things you loved, such as Stranger Things, as you had been for the past couple of days. However, you weren’t so sure your boyfriend was…

He’d been even grouchier than normal, and it was probably because he was so hung-up on his results with training. Bakugou was such a perfectionist that even slight improvement just wasn’t enough for him, and you had tried to reassure him but he just scoffed you off.

“Kick some ass Katsuki! No one trains as hard as you do after all!” You gave him a thumbs-up as soon as he was called to join Izuku, Todoroki and Iida in the endurance training. “You don’t think I know that?!” He exclaimed, irked by your support but not exactly ungrateful. Bakugou was a sucker for praise, and as annoying as you were, he liked how you praised him. But he hated how you weren’t serious at all…

With how distracted you were about that damn show you love so much and the non-stop music you listened to he didn’t see you doing well when it was your turn.

He wasn’t wrong, because even right now you were kind of distracted as you watched him go out with the other guys. It looked like they were trying to see who was the fastest and whose reflexes had improved when obstacles were tossed at them.

You were excited but also awaiting the action for Stranger Things. Were Mike and Eleven still a couple going on strong? Was the Mind Flayer coming back? You didn’t know, but you couldn’t wait to find out as you started humming (F/S), one of your favorite songs.

But you gasped in glee when Bakugou and the others were done, except Bakugou didn’t look too happy. Apparently Izuku and Iida had gotten quicker, Todoroki’s reflexes also got better, and Bakugou’s speed and reflexes also improved, but hearing that his rivals (sans Iida) had gotten better and nearly caught up to him was enough to piss him off.

You clapped your hands though when you saw how angry he looked, but your smiles did nothing to quell the vexation. If anything, it just annoyed him even more, “WHOO-HOO! You. Were. AWESOME!” Even when you punctuated your words, Bakugou didn’t even give you a smirk.

“Tch…” He gave you his typical scoff as he walked past you in a huff, and you were left turning to watch him leave in concern. Honestly, you thought he was way too hard on himself sometimes. He needed to relax, you thought.

Tonight would be perfect, after all he’s seen Stranger Things and Stranger Things 2 with you and he knew the story pretty well despite claiming that it was dumb and unoriginal.

Yes, tonight was going to be great and you were excited, which was actually helping you and your quirk. Since your Aura Creation quirk relied on your emotions for you to generate aura and use it to blast people or construct it into whatever you wanted. For the most part at least, you could blast people with aura just fine, but you had been practicing constructing things with it. So far, all you could make was a ball and wings…

So when it was your turn with Kirishima, Sero and Jirou, you tried to be fast by constructing your (F/C) aura wings and you grinned widely with glee when it worked! It was working! “AHAHAHAHA~!!” You laughed cheerfully as you flew a little bit faster and passed a smiling Kirishima and Sero, even though you were kind of beating them in the speed department…

“AHHHHHHH!”

But then you screamed with widened eyes when a sudden chunk of debris came flying at you and you had to dodge it fast, only to be sent crashing down to the ground, much to the concern of your classmates.

“I’m okay.” Raising your shaking hand, you were able to clumsily stand back up as Kirishima, Sero and Jirou each laughed nervously before you all returned to your tasks. You had no idea that Bakugou bothered to watch, and you had no idea just how infuriated he was seeing your performance…

The wings were a great new skill, but you were such a fucking klutz and everything distracted you just as he thought it would. And when you didn’t even beat freaking Sero in terms of speed or reflexes, he was starting to feel a little embarrassed…

You took nothing seriously, except for all the damn music and TV shows you never EVER shut up about. All the references and dumb jokes you made were so annoying sometimes…

He couldn’t deal with that, not when he had his own training to think of. Fooling around with you and watching fucking Netflix was a huge waste of time and he wasn’t going to beat stupid Deku or IcyHot if he decided to binge-watch nine fucking hours of that damn Stranger Things with you.

Nine Hours. He could do so much in nine hours other than watch a stupid show…

4 HOURS LATER…

Bakugou wasn’t there…

Kirishima had sent you the text that he was training with Bakugou and Sero after class, and admittedly you were kind of bummed that your boyfriend was training AGAIN instead of spending time with you, but you had learned to expect that often.

You guessed you didn’t mind, because you had other friends to binge-watch it with. Hell, you even elaborately set up the 2nd floor with a bunch of snacks and some Christmas lights out of spirit for the show.

“Okay Mina… Denki… are you guys ready for it…?” You asked your two, excitable friends with a faux, serious voice.

“Yes, yes, YES!! I’m SO freaking ready for that Stranger Things love!!” Mina excitedly said as she practically bounced on the couch, sitting besides Kaminari, “It’s been a whole year! Time to see what they’re gonna do this time… now that the Mind Flayer is gone… or is he?” He asked you, kinda winking at you on purpose as you snickered and rolled your eyes. Kaminari obviously knew you were taken, he was just playing with you…

Surprisingly he enjoyed Stranger Things, as he called it a Guilty Pleasure of his because he liked the Sci-Fi stuff, while Mina was a little more unashamed of her fondness for the show, she was one of the BIGGEST Mileven shippers you’ve ever met.

“I doubt it. Shadows never disappear, they are always lingering in the darkness.” Tokoyami was as poetic as ever, even about a TV show that he was unsurprisingly into.

“Well you saw the Mind Flayer in the last episode of the 2nd season… there’s no way it’s gone…” You pointed out with a giggle, “Precisely.” He replied rather seriously, just as intrigued as you were. Tokoyami really enjoyed the 80’s horror that the show provided and the concept of an Upside Down.

“Oui, but where there is darkness, there is light~! As shown in the last two seasons~. I can’t wait to see how they pull through this season.” Aoyama was there to contradict him, and you were pleasantly surprised that he liked the show just as much as you did. He said that it was because he connected with Will, and rather liked the themes of maturity and friendship, something that you could strongly agree on.

“You said it Yuuga-bro! Oh! I’m so excited~!” You smiled wide at the blonde boy, taking a seat on the middle couch with a bar of chocolate in your hand. Not before the last member of your ‘Stranger Things Party’.

An amused chuckle made you smile and turn to face your good friend, “You’re really passionate about this show.” Shinsou was smiling at you, something not many of the others saw aside from his roguish smirks and grins.

“Yeah man! I’ve been hooked since 2016! And I’ve seen the trailers for the past couple of months and I’m just waiting to be gagged~!” You said cheerfully and patted your seat, gesturing for him to sit next to you, which he did comply.

“It’s a good show… I heard that it’s supposed to be seven in a half hours.” He noted to you as your eyes widened and you grinned widely, “Wow… okay that is high-key awesome but… seven in a half hour is almost not long as he nodded in amusement. You liked him, he was kind to you, well, you were kind to him first, but you were happy that he seemed to actually talk to you and was nice to you.

And this was despite the fact that your boyfriend didn’t like him at all, and Shinsou returned the feelings.

“C’mon (Y/N) let’s start it already I wanna see if Mileven is still going strong!!” Mina clasped her hands together, begging you to start as you laughed and smiled, “Okay, okay ya pink dork… I got it…” You said as you pressed play on the first episode to the third season you’ve all been waiting for…

THREE EPISODES LATER…

AMAZING…

You were already three episodes in and you, Shinsou Mina, Kaminari, Tokoyami and Aoyama all looked much too enthralled to even think about stopping the momentum.  

“Dude… I’m actually worried about Billy.” You said, unable to believe that you’d feel sympathetic for a more villainous character. “But he’s such a jerk… a typical male alpha dog…” Shinsou had pointed that out for you as you pouted, “I know that Hitoshi but the Mind Flayer is so much worse… he’d better learn a lesson after this. Learn to not be such an asshole...” You expressed your hope for the character’s fate.

“I feel so bad for Will…” Aoyama felt sympathetic for Will though, and everyone could actually agree with them on that. “He was so cute in his costume the poor thing!” Mina agreed with a dramatically sad expression, “I KNOW! The boys aren’t being nice to him…”

“Such is the curse of growing up… adulthood is when the heart begins to wither.” Tokoyami knew the themes well, and he spoke exactly what everyone was thinking as you nodded, flashing him the peace sign with a sad nod.

“Well they DO have girlfriends… I’d be a bit distracted too…” Kaminari spoke in defense for Mike and Lucas though, “That is true Denki, you do have a point there… but I’ve got a boyfriend and I still make time for you guys.” You pointed that out, which did make him smile, “Hmm… you know what? That’s a valid point…” He seemed to get it better now, and hoped the same for himself when he got a girlfriend to also have time for his buddies.

“And we learned an important lesson here after watching Max and El together… if a boyfriend lies to you or mistreats you…” Mina had exchanged smirks with you as you giggled, “DUMP HIS ASS!” The two of you exclaimed in unison, laughing together as the boys just watched you in amusement, “Same for you boys, if your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner mistreats you, dump their ass.” But you made sure to remind the boys as they all nodded with little smiles.

“Okay… next episode~.” You then sang-songed and let the TV play as you pressed ‘yes’ when the TV asked if you were still watching it. However, after about 20 minutes in, a door loudly slammed open and you couldn’t help but grin. You and everyone else knew exactly who that was.

Shinsou rolled his eyes though, and Aoyama looked a little frightened; they were the two of your ‘party’ that weren’t as close to Bakugou, and didn’t really like him that much. Well, Shinsou disliked Bakugou, while Aoyama was more terrified of him, and he kinda squealed and ducked his head when he saw the surly glare from the angry-looking ash-blonde.

You could tell he wasn’t happy, but it didn’t stop you from trying to cheer him up, “Katsuki~!” And you greeted him with a big hug, that he didn’t return and only growled at you when you got so close, “You’re just in time! We’re watching Stranger Things 3~. I mean yeah we’re kinda already three episodes in but we-.” Bakugou quickly cut you off though.

“I don’t want to watch that dumb show… if you’re going to suggest re-watching the other three forget it, it’s just more time to waste.” He lowly grumbled, trying to push you aside so he can just go to his room to go to bed early and wake up even earlier.

“Aww c’mon… this is the first time in a long time that we got a big break! You need to relax a little bit Atomic Blonde.” You said a little bit playfully but Bakugou wasn’t amused in the slightest, “Don’t tell me what to do Shitty Girl!”

“But we got a bunch of snacks and everything! And chocolate! I mean if you don’t want to watch then it’s okay but it’s exciting~. I can always rewatch it with you another time, but I can’t lie a LOT of cool stuff is happening with Eleven and Will and Steve and…”

Your voice was trailing off in his mind as he didn’t even really listen to you. The carefree ignorance in your tone making the rage bubble in him as he trembled and grunted lightly, gritting his teeth when you just kept on smiling with a single care in the world just talking about that fucking show and the fucking snacks…

Why the hell couldn’t you just leave him alone and get that he had a lot more important things to do?

Bakugou couldn’t take it anymore, he was so irritated and annoyed with you and you couldn’t even tell as you just kept going on and on…

“So yeah, if you want we can just see it together again another time. OH I’m so excited though, we’re on the fourth episode and I think we’re gonna see more of Max and-“

“I don’t CARE about Max! Or Eleven! Or Will! Or Steve! Or any of the goddamn demogorgons and the fucking Mind Flayer!”

He finally snapped, well, he’s always snapped but this time he sounded even angrier than normal, which you did notice and your smile slowly fell. “Okay… jeez… don’t have a barn…” You kind of pouted a little bit, crossing your arms. “I was just offering…”

“Yeah, yeah you always offer for me to waste time watching stupid shit.” He replied curtly, his tone sharp and piercing a little hole in your heart like a Needle sword. You weren’t going to just take that.

“Hey… there’s no need to insult the things I like. It’s not stupid!”

“It’s a show with literally just one kid who has superpowers and a bunch of other quirkless losers! It’s a fucking cliché!”

“It’s still a good show! AND you’re forgetting about the interdimensional monsters and evil humans!”

“OH MY GOD WHO GIVES A SHIT?!”

“I DO! IT’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS AND YOU’RE PISSING ALL OVER IT!!”

“I’LL PISS ON IT IF I WANT TO!!”

The atmosphere went from fun to extremely tense as Mina watched in concern and wasn’t sure if she should try to break up the fight since you and Bakugou looked really angry. Kaminari on the other hand, was just staring at his feet and trying to block out the loud shouting, glancing every now and then at the others. Tokoyami sighed and closed his eyes, waiting patiently and hoping that the two of you would stop fighting because it was making him a LITTLE uncomfortable.

Aoyama was very scared now, slowly getting up and entrenching himself in a little cushion fort he made on the couch to try and ignore the screaming from you and Bakugou. Shinsou saw this, and he shook his head in frustration as glared at Bakugou in annoyance.

It was kind of his first party ever and Bakugou was ruining it…

“UGH! You work too much Katsuki! I’m fine if you don’t want to watch Stranger Things I mean it’s fine if you don’t like it but you really should relax some more! And I can be with you! Wouldn’t that be fun?” You tried distilling the argument though, especially when you saw that it was making your friends uncomfortable. You could feel their auras and there was fear, discomfort and anger; you didn’t want to feel that anymore, you wanted to make them happy…

“I don’t need you to tell me to fucking relax! What do you even know about fun?! All you ever do for ‘fun’ is sit on your fatass shoving those godawful sweets in your mouth and watching shitty TV you pig!

Your mouth hung open the second he said the real F word, but it wasn’t you who gasped in horror. It was Kaminari, Mina and Aoyama each gasping with their mouths agape. Kaminari looked a mix of shocked (pun intended) and horrified as did Mina, but she was also extremely appalled with her friend, and Aoyama’s eyes went wide and he covered his mouth at such an insult…

Even the more stoic Tokoyami and Shinsou couldn’t hide their shock, although Tokoyami was silent he did cross his arms and give Bakugou a very disappointed look along with Shinsou, who was shaking his head with a tranquil, but furious glower. He knew how self-conscious you were about your figure and weight so, and although he knew that Bakugou was by nature, an asshole, this was pretty low…

You felt like you were going in shock. Just that one single word attacked you, straight into the chest and piercing your heart with a burst of hurt. Bakugou’s called you many things, usually empty insults, but he never commented on your weight (much) and never attacked you about it either.  

This time though, you felt very attacked as you slowly closed your mouth into a frown, lowering your head as you averted your eyes from your boyfriend.

Bakugou seemed to notice, and he just registered what he just said to his girlfriend. The things that assholes from school always called you and defended you from, the things he swore that he would never, EVER call you. He knew he fucked up this time as soon as he saw your lip quivering and your (E/C) eyes watering, and he could literally feel the anger radiating from you as your (H/C) started flowing in response with your quirk.

“(Y/N)…”

Before he could say something, you picked up your head to glare right at him, inhaling and exhaling deeply through your nose. Fury and hurt swirled in your eyes that Bakugou could very clearly see and it honestly shocked him.

Were you going to smack him? Or kick him where it hurts?

“I dump your ass!”

You took a hint from Eleven, and right then and there you decided to break it off with your boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend. Whose eyes instantly widened the second he heard that, confusion and shock evident in his features.

No…

“WHAT?!”

He shouted even louder than before, his eyes narrowing in anger again as you turned away, vexed and very upset. “You heard me. I. DUMP. YOUR. ASS!” You enunciated the words slowly and deliberately to annoy him and he was extremely indignant and appalled that you were… seriously breaking up with him?! HIM?!

“You’re dumping me?!”

“What the fuck do you think I said it two fucking times!!” Trembling with vexed distress you didn’t even realize that you were raising your voice and swearing now that your emotions had been triggered and they just came pouring out.

“You’re not seriously breaking up with me over a fucking insult?!” Bakugou’s pride started talking for him though, because he refused to let you bruise his ego by dumping HIM. 

“Yes I am Katsuki, and that’s not the only reason... It’s because you’re also selfish and mean! You’re the worst boyfriend ever and I’ve put up with your shit plenty of times but this is just WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH! What you said is just too fucking much for me to even put up with, you’ve completely broken me down I feel like shit and I’ve HAD it and I’m dumping your ass!” You were full-on shouting, not letting Bakugou get a single word in as the tears started to stream down your face, and all you could do was try to wipe them away as fast as possible as you held back the cries itching in your throat.

While Bakugou was conflicted, he was extremely pissed off and still horrified that you were breaking up with him and his pride was seriously suffering, but seeing you so upset and knowing that HE caused it was making him feel so guilty on top of all the ire and selfish pride.

“I didn’t even mean it (Y/N)! Don’t be so damn sensitive!”

“I’d like to leave now… you ruined my party and I’d just really, really like to fucking leave now…” You didn’t listen to him, you weren’t going to anymore. Bakugou’s said and done a lot of things, but this was the last straw and there was nothing that could heal the hurt crushing you from the inside out. You thought he loved you, because he never once said anything about your weight. Bakugou held you as if he liked your chubby form, but today just that insult alone opened your eyes to how he must have actually felt about you, and now you felt even uglier than you already felt before.

So you turned away to leave the common room, but Bakugou wasn’t going to let you go without a talk, and he grabbed your hand in an attempt to make you stop, “(Y/N) don’t just fucking leave like that!” You harshly yanked your hand back though with a tearful glare. “Leave me alone Katsuki!” You took off running the second you were freed, crying the whole run to your dorm room and ignoring Bakugou calling out for you as he followed you.

“(Y/N) DAMMIT!!”

You shut your door and locked it the second you got inside, sniffling and starting to sob at the realization that you broke up with your boyfriend, but for good reason. He banged on your door but you weren’t going to let him in at all, and you didn’t even want to see his face. Bakugou was so damn persistent that you quickly figured out that he wouldn’t leave you alone so you had another idea…

“Open this damn door or I’ll break it down myself!”

He didn’t want to admit it, but he felt horrible, and his threats were completely empty because now he just panicking. This couldn’t be over, he wouldn’t let it end like this. But when you weren’t answering or opening the door, he was actually getting pretty concerned, “(Y/N) I’m serious! Open the door!!” He sounded angry, but he was more worried than anything. And when you didn’t answer for another 5 minutes, he reacted fast by using all of his strength and ramming into the door and forced it open.

There you were with your window open, spreading your aura wings that were now radiating with a cloudy shade of red that Bakugou could tell was because of your anger. Your auras changed color depending on your mood, and you were furious, but hurt…

“What are you doing?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!” He screamed, taking the first step to try and grab your hand but you already made the leap, falling downwards fast before your wings took flight and you glided past the windows with tears in your eyes as you took a turn to be out of your ex’s sight.

Bakugou watched you fly away with wide eyes full of disbelief, awe and regret. He didn’t even see his disappointed classmates still there and just watching with unhappy and slightly angry looks as Shinsou turned off the TV. “Party’s cancelled.” He said to the others lowly, but neither of them really complained. The whole thing was ruined…

“Good. We can’t watch the rest without (Y/N).” Tokoyami sighed in agreement as he headed off to his own dorm-room, really hoping that you were okay because he saw how hurt you were and felt so bad for you, “I hope she’s okay…” Aoyama quietly mumbled, for all that he’s seen you, he had never seen you so upset like that.

“She will be…” Kaminari sounded oddly serious, fully aware that you weren’t okay, but had a feeling that you’ll eventually be okay. “I know…” Mina was really sad, but she didn’t follow the guys, she was going to secretly go outside and see if you were still out there so she can comfort you somehow.

When they walked past him, Bakugou didn’t even care because he was still too much in shock over the shambles that was now his relationship with you, but he felt someone’s eyes coldly leering at him.

“You really did it now Bakugou.”

Shinsou knew Bakugou was stronger, but wasn’t exactly afraid of him right now after what he just did to you. “You’ve always been a jerk, but after all the shitty things you’ve done, you finally crossed the line.” His voice was chilly as the ash-blonde’s eyes simmered with such fury that would have terrified anyone, “This is none of your fucking business Eye-Bags!!” He raised one sparkling hand, growling as he prepared to blast this asshole away, but Shinsou paid him no mind and instead just walked ahead of him to go to his new dorm-room.

“Don’t fucking walk away from me! You want to pick a fight with me you brainwashing bastard?! Then fight!” He was itching for a fight, and ready to take out his new hurricane of anger, frustration, denial and guilt that was raging inside on this condescending prick. 

“No.” Shinsou replied neutrally and calmly despite his own distilled anger as he left the pissed off blonde alone to have his meltdown by himself.

Bakugou wanted to provoke him, punch him in the face and beat him to a bloody pulp but the regret clutching onto his heart with it’s claws rooted him to the spot as he could only grunt and snarl angrily.

“Dammit! Dammit, Dammit, DAMMIT!!” He screamed as he stormed out of the building in vain to look for you, shouting and calling your name over and over again, “(Y/N)! (Y/N)!! (Y/N)!!”

Part of him knew that he was just kidding himself, because he heard your words clearly and knew that your answer was final, but his fucking pride got in the way and just wouldn’t let him acknowledge that it was over. And that you dumped his ass, because of something he did, and that this time you weren’t going to forgive him. God he really, really hoped you would but he knew that you weren’t going to do that so easily this time.

Grabbing his hair he let out another infuriated scream, unable to believe that he said those things to his own girlfriend. He loved how weird you were, and your figure, why the fuck did he call you fat and a pig? Why...?

He didn’t know why, but he knew one thing that was for sure…

He fucked up. Big time. 

PART 2: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/186833600249/thank-you-all-might

PART 3: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/188898319229/i-needed-to-lose-you-to-love-me-bakugou-katsuki-x

[rayraywrites]

Title: Maybe things happen.

Chapter 3: Cooking Games (Day 2- Swap)

Characters: Miyuki Kazuya, Kuramochi Youichi, Sawamura Eijun (minor)

Relationship: Miyuki Kazuya x Kuramochi Youichi

Rating: General Audiences

Total Word Count: 2654

AO3

Event: @daiyarpwk2020​

Clicking on another video he focussed in on the same face that he’d been gazing at for hours. He laughed softly at the same lame intro he’d been hearing in each video. The same dorky glasses and apron. He gulped silently at each intense look shot at the camera when concentration was required. His smile grew as each successful cook was greeted with a brilliant grin.

“Welcome back to home plate kitchen.” The man shot a smirk at the camera before continuing, “I’m your favourite catcher, Miyuki, here to share another recipe.” 

Youichi barely focussed on the actual meal, simply watching the ease at which the man moved around his kitchen and the mastery of his art. He wasn’t a mess in the kitchen, but watching this chef easily switch between different styles and types of recipes each video and make successful food each time, it rankled a bit. Yet he was fascinated. 

But what drew him even more was the moments of silliness that would pepper throughout the videos. When Miyuki would sometimes attempt to lift a hot pan off the stove without mitts and then whip his hand back. The incredulous look on the man’s face coupled with rapidly shoving his burning hand under cold water pulled raucous laughter out of his mouth. He especially enjoyed when Miyuki’s housemate, Sawamura, would appear in the frame to pull silly faces that wouldn’t be seen until editing. The captions insulting Sawamura were particularly amusing for him. 

He had spent a couple days watching Miyuki’s videos, realistically he was binging them. It had been a lark, having seen a comment under one of his own videos about a week ago. 

gamer_goose35: you know what would be great? thechefcatcher and Mochi making a video together! They have the same type of humour! Plus think of the video options!

Youichi had been curious, having not heard about “thechefcatcher” before, so he looked the other youtuber up. That led to days of listening to the same sarcastic laughter, the snarky side comments at every recipe, and gazing at the talented movements that attracted him first. 

When he finally glanced at the clock on his laptop he saw that it was approaching three am. With a slightly hysterical laugh, Youichi closed the lid and placed it aside. He’d deal with his new strange obsession another time. Right now he needed to sleep. Tomorrow, well later that same day, he had plans to shoot two new videos. He needed the sleep. Getting under the covers, he tried to convince himself to fall asleep. But each time he closed his eyes, all he saw were Miyuki’s eyes blinking back at him. He spent much of the night tossing and turning, restlessly attempting to fall asleep.

--

Clicking on the email icon, Kazuya began deleting all the trash that filled his inbox. Switching between his calendar and an email from another cooking channel who reached out to him for a collab, he sent off a couple days that would fit his schedule. Switching to his social media, Kazuya sent out the usual morning tweet that his followers were expecting. Nabe had recommended that he start interacting more with his fans, and disagreeing with his manager was something Kazuya had quickly learnt wasn’t a smart decision.

@thechef_catcher: good morning. But also what constitutes a “good” morning. We’re all waking up much too early and having to go to work and slog our way through the day. So really...just morning. (6:37 AM)

There, that would keep Nabe off his back, for at least a couple days. Sliding off his bed, Kazuya winced slightly as his foot hit the ground a bit too hard. Waiting for the jarring feeling in his ankle to subside before trying to stand again, he glared down at the floor. Finally feeling up to standing up again, Kazuya moved towards his closet, changing into his usual jogging outfit. With it being the off season, he could usually find Sawamura hovering around the kitchen. Sure enough the pitcher was still there, ready for their morning run. 

As normal, Kazuya put in earbuds, drowning out Sawamura’s inane chatter so early in the morning and stepped outside of their apartment. He had thrown in a small heating pad into his bag before leaving the house, in case his ankle started acting up again. Running their usual route, Kazuya let himself sink into the music and the monotonous sound of his feet pounding on the pavement. By the time they rounded back to the apartment Kazuya could feel the sweat running down his neck. With a shaky grin he nodded his head back at the street, telling Sawamura to keep going. Heading back inside, Kazuya went straight for a shower, changed into his outfit for the day, grabbed his computer and headed towards the kitchen.

Today’s video was going to be about Sanuki Udon. He had spent a couple weeks working with the local udon shop alongside the chefs to perfect his technique. He had already filmed his first failed attempts a while back, following recipes online. Setting the cameras up, he prepped the kitchen before picking up his phone. Texting Sawamura that he would be busy for the next hour or so, Kazuya got started. Slipping his branded apron over his head, he switched the camera on and began speaking.

“Ohayo everyone! Welcome back to home plate kitchen. Your friendly neighbourhood catcher is here!” He said the words with an awkward smile, hating that Sawamura had convinced him to start his videos with such a cheesy introduction. Even if it worked as his fans took to the puns and silly intro, he hated it, but he carried on. 

Seven years ago Kazuya would never have considered that his days would be littered with recording himself cooking, editing videos, and becoming as unathletic and baseball oriented as he had. But another bad collision at home plate, and a shattered ankle had ended his career. Six months after he managed to walk on his ankle safely, he was still just sitting around his home and moping. It had been Sawamura’s suggestion to start the channel, something to do for fun while he figured out what to do with his career now. Kazuya had been uninterested at first, putting in very little effort and just cooking whatever came to mind. But the fact that people seemed to enjoy it and Sawamura kept crowing about how the channel kept growing made him start to give it a bit more attention. But even moreso, he started to enjoy it a bit more. There was something oddly enjoyable about just talking to a camera for a couple of hours and cooking food. And with Sawamura living with him, he wasn’t just cooking for himself. 

It was kind of nice. 

“Alright, with a completed dish, I think we’ve completed all nine innings, and it’s time for this video to wrap-up!” He placed the completed Sanuki udon onto the front of his counter. With the recording complete it was time for editing. Luckily with experience and time he’d managed to get better at editing. Moving back to his room with the camera SD cards he settled down at his desk. The video wouldn’t be released for another week or so, but Kazuya wanted to complete editing so that he’d have the rest of the day free. As he was fiddling with the font for the side text explaining each step he completed, he heard the extra chair in the room being dragged to sit beside him. Turning his head slightly he smirked at Sawamura who settled into the chair with a loud thump! Reaching over and ruffling the pitcher’s hair, he turned back to his computer. 

“How was your run, Sawamura?” 

“You missed out on the cutest dog Miyuki-senpai! It was adorable, with its tail wagging everywhere!” 

He couldn’t help but laugh at how Sawamura sounded like he’d seen the cutest thing on the planet. “Ah, so you met your family member, how lovely!” The affronted look on Sawamura’s face was worth all the hits his shoulder received.

“Stupid Miyuki, you’re just sad you missed out on the dog.” Sawamura’s countenance suddenly brightened as another brilliant idea came, “this Sawamura will make sure to take a photo for next time!”

Smiling to himself, Kazuya couldn’t help the sigh that escaped his lips. Sawamura never ceased to amuse him, but even moreso, he was a bright light in his life. He was still the most eye-catching sunflower Kazuya had ever seen. And fully bloomed. “Sure...whatever you say Bakamura.” 

“Idiot Miyuki....” Sawamura had switched to looking at his phone, muttering threats under his breath as he often did around Kazuya. 

Out of the corner of his eye Kazuya watched as Sawamura continued scrolling on his phone, becoming comfortable in the chair. Giving his full focus back to his video, Kazuya ignored his desk partner for about thirty minutes until a loud shout made him almost jump. Turning and glaring at Sawamura, Kazuya waited impatiently for an explanation. 

“Miyuki! Mochi uploaded another video! It’s a cooking video!” Sawamura’s voice was loud as ever, but laced with astonishment.

He felt the joy course through his body, excitement filling his veins at the news. Both of them had gotten hooked onto @gamermaimer’s videos a few years back. Sawamura enjoyed the commentary while Mochi played the game, but Kazuya had become enthralled with the gamer’s voice. There was something soothing about it, but he also felt something from the grainy sounds. And then, last year they’d received a face reveal, Kazuya had been floored. He hadn’t expected to find spiked green hair, eyeliner, and a lip piercing as attractive as he had. 

“Give me ten minutes, I should be ready to watch.” He tried to nonchalantly speak, but he knew Sawamura was aware of his crush. The number of times Sawamura had recommended that he contact Mochi to collab was high, but every time he looked at the differences in their video styles, Kazuya hesitated. But cooking? Maybe there was a chance here. They sat down to watch the video.

“Hey maimers! Obviously this isn’t my usual set up, but I’ve been inspired. One of you folks recommended a channel for me to watch and maybe collab with.” 

They both laughed when Mochi fumbled with his phone to read off the channel, but then froze when he said the name.

“Oh what was it...here we go! thechefcatcher! I’ve spent the past few days watching....”

Kazuya felt his breath catch in his throat, disbelief pouring out of him. But when he turned towards Sawamura, the same surprise was on the pitcher’s face. 

What.

--

Youichi was nervous releasing the video. He had struggled through the cook, even if he had picked a fairly straightforward dish to make. Baking was not his forte though and the roof would probably always have that strange orange-coloured splotch on it from his first attempt. But embarrassing himself for a video was not a big deal, he’d done it before. It was the fact that he’d called out his new obsession, he’d mentioned the youtuber who’d been living in his dreams. The tweet he’d posted had Miyuki tagged and for a normally brash person, Youichi was feeling uneasy about that decision.

The notification that @thechef_catcher liked and retweeted his tweet gave him heart palpitations. Deciding to take the plunge, he DM-ed Miyuki. 

@gamermaimer: hi

@thechef_catcher: hey

@gamermaimer: so...uh you watched my video...

@thechef_catcher: why else would I have rt your tweet? 

He stared blankly at his phone. What was that? He laughed in spite of himself, hysterically. 

@gamermaimer: yeah well. What did you think?

He meant about the offer of a collab at the end of the video. He meant the proposal of trying something new for both of them. What Miyuki responded with though?

@thechef_catcher: well you absolutely failed at every step so I’m amazed you managed to get any cake onto that table. 

@thechef_catcher: Geez Mochi, it’s almost like you bought a replacement cake to pretend you succeeded.

Somehow he wasn’t surprised to see that Miyuki’s personality was as twisted as it was. But it took two to tango.

@gamermaimer: well, if I sucked so bad, maybe you ought to come fix me?

He waited and the reply took more time to arrive compared to the last but it still came. He anxiously tapped the message notification. 

@thechef_catcher: perhaps I will.

He let out a sigh and his shoulders relaxed. Their conversation continued, figuring out dates and times that would work for both their schedules. They agreed that the first video would be with him in Miyuki’s kitchen. He asked if Sawamura would be there, and received a teasing response. So when Miyuki asked what video they would do for his channel, Youichi proffered the only realistic response.

@gamermaimer: well of course we have to play a video game.

It was only later, when he went to go follow Miyuki on twitter as well, that Youichi realized something. He shouted angrily, throwing his phone down onto the ground. Petulantly he whined to himself, “the idiot’s already following me.”

–– 

The day of filming was awkward. He arrived early, not by much, but early enough that it was obvious. He had already sent out the customary tweet announcing his “secret” plans for a video.

@gamermaimer: well sometimes you get lucky with your videos. Other times you meet a moron and make a stupid decision (10:34 AM)

Sawamura was there, hovering in the dining room. Fiddling with a camera setting even with Miyuki telling him to stop touching the camera every five seconds. Youichi blinked confusedly at both of them. They were fidgety and uncomfortable. Because of him?

“Hey! Hey idiots!” They both turned to him; Miyuki put down the pots he was randomly holding, Sawamura looked up from the camera. “What the hell is going on? Some explanation for your bizarre behaviour would be wonderful, please.” The last few words came out sarcastic, and he knew the look on his face matched his tone. For some reason being around both of them was easy. In the way most collabs never were; he felt at home with them. So he skipped past politeness and jumped straight into insults. “I realize that you’re both morons, but if we could at least get the video started?”

Miyuki seemingly calmed down at that, chuckling hesitantly even as he gazed at Sawamura with a lost look. But it was Sawamura seemingly snapping out of whatever funk he was in that finally set things normal. “Mochi!”

Youichi turned to face Sawamura expectantly, but the excitement seemed to have rapidly fizzled out before Sawamura exhaled deeply, you could see the air! He laughed to himself.

“Can I get a photo with you? I’ve...We’ve been watching you play for three years now!” 

He hadn’t expected that. Glancing at Miyuki, Youichi was stunned to see the usually calm face turning bright red before the chef looked down at the counter. Throwing his head back, Youichi let himself laugh freely, ignoring the squawks from Sawamura. Wiping tears from the corner of his eyes, he laughed softly one more time before replying. “Sure. Sure. But only if I get an autograph from you,” he nodded at Sawamura and then softly, “and your phone number.” He stared at Miyuki, waiting for acknowledgement. Miyuki nodded stiffly, but his eyes had only shifted from the counter to glare at Sawamura.

“I don’t exactly have three years as a credential...but is 48 hours of no sleep from binging your channel good enough?” He laughed at the stunned look on Miyuki’s face. “So, what do you say....my friendly neighbourhood catcher?” 

But rather than the huffy noise he expected, Miyuki still managed to surprise him. A smirk and, “well...I think you mean a maimer don’t you, Youichi?”

He grinned.

[elizabeth-karenina]

Hey homies, I’m here ‘cause I was tagged again

This time by my dear, darling friend, Jojo @themoonoversoho! I hope you’re doing well! 

List which 5 10 TV shows make you feel better then tag 10 other blogs (this isn't in order or anything)

Now, you guys know that it’s extremely hard for me to whittle down ANY of my favorite things, and that was the case with this meme. Instead of 5, I chose 10 of my favorite TV shows that make me feel better, no matter what my mood is. 

1. Hey Arnold! - This show was probably my favorite when I was a kid. Everything about it was so iconic, from the surprisingly adult-themed episode plots, crazy characters with a huge range of appearances and personalities, and even some of the creepiest ghost stories I’ve ever seen. Not to mention, this show is also hilarious af. The nostalgia hits me hard when I watch this show, but in a good way. I just love it. 

2. Avatar The Last Airbender - The 90′s/00′s were The Golden Age of children’s movies and TV shows, and I’m so glad I was a part of it. Because along with Hey Arnold, Avatar was probably the best show to come out of that era. This show (there really is no other word for it) is beautiful. Again, a HUGE range of characters and personalities as well as crazy story lines. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and sometimes the animation even makes your mouth drop in awe. And of course, love and happiness win the day. 

3. Stranger Things - There’s nothing I love more than spooks, conspiracies, and just overall wacky happenings in Small Town America (keep it classy, Indiana). Even though this show can get VERY dark and creepy (and, in the third season, outright disgusting), The Party is what really makes this show so dear to me. They’re not perfect, but God damn do they love and care for each other. I’m a cheesy mofo who lives for friendship and love, with an epic 80′s soundtrack to top it off. 

4. Derry Girls - How could you resist a bunch of misfit/just your average weird teenagers doing and saying stupid shit? Despite the fact that this show takes place in 1990′s Northern Ireland, you can’t help but see glimmers of yourself or your friends in this group of dorks. It really shows that aspects of Teenagerdom are universal, no matter where you are in the world. There’s something comforting in that. Also, again, the soundtrack to this show is popping. 

5. Law and Order franchise - THE MOST BINGE-ABLE SHOW AND FRANCHISE EVER!!! I have memories of being in high school and community college where during weekends, holiday breaks, and summer vacations, I would waste entire afternoons watching either Criminal Intent or Special Victims Unit (ah, the days before you could sign up for Netflix on your TV). My Sherlock Holmes/Poirot loving ass had already discovered that stories of murders and crime were surprisingly interesting, and Law and Order filled that need. You’ll end up bingeing it because of how well-written most of the episodes are; they suck you in right away, and do it in such a way that you feel compelled to stay until the end. 

6. N.C.I.S - To this day, I am forever grateful to USA Network for giving me so many amazing TV shows to binge when I was bored at home (like Psych, Monk, and White Collar), but N.C.I.S. really took the cake. Although way more light-hearted and funny than Law and Order, N.C.I.S. stands for Naval Crime Investigative Service, and follows a very tight-knit group of agents solving crimes in the navy during the height of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It’s got EVERYTHING early and mid-00′s, particularly the amazing Goth representation in the form of Abby. Even though there have been lots of spin-offs of this show, the original version of it will always be my preferred choice. And like most of my feel-good shows, N.C.I.S evokes a lot of good nostalgia for me. 

7. Turn: Washington’s Spies - As you can see, a lot of my favorite shows usualy center around 3 things: sci-fi/fantasy, crime detection, or historical time periods. This show FIRMLY falls into the historical category, as it centers around a spy ring that operates in the New York region during the American Revolution. Almost every person in the cast was a real person, from the very famous to the very ordinary and obscure, and that’s one of the main reasons I love the show. But my absolute favorite part of this show is the whole premise of it; no one had ever decided to show the Revolutionary War through the eyes of spies before, and it reawakened my love for the 18th century. 

8. Downton Abbey - Yet another historical show, this time based in early 20th century Yorkshire. It tells the story of one noble family and the servants who live in the Big House of Downton, and all the trials, tribulations, and triumphs they experience through the years. There’s something....I don’t know, cathartic and fun about immersing yourself into someone else’s family or friend drama, even if they don’t really exist. The writing in this show can seesaw from good to bad, but it’s the characters themselves that make you stay till the end. At its core, it’s a very beautiful, sweet show. 

9. The Office (American version) - Besides Law and Order, The Office takes second place as the The Most Binge-able Show of All Time. The storyline of the show is extremely simple: a bunch of employees working for a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I could probably say this about a lot of the TV shows on my list, but The Office really feels like you’re among old and dearly loved friends. The absolute bullshit these people put up with; the stupid, inane things they say and do; the friendships that are formed and even the romances that occur; all of it is worth it. It’s a gem of a show, and my go-to for a real, true belly-laugh. Even after all these years, the jokes are still funny as hell. 

10. Parks and Recreation - I spoke too soon. I think this show is tied with The Office for Most Binge-able Show of All Time. Now, don’t be fooled by the lackluster 1st season; once you get past season one, the show is just MAGNIFICENT. Like many of my favorite shows, the cast is filled with people of different races, experiences, and personalities, and chronicles the hilarious and ridiculous shit they get into at the local recreation department in--yet again--small town Indiana. THE JOKES. THE MEMES. So many things came out of this show influenced the Internet so much, that the Internet would’ve been way more boring without Parks and Rec. Like The Office, you come to see the characters almost like real people, and even regard them as dear friends. And also like The Office, the jokes and the memes are still really freaking funny. 

[emdythewriter]

A new light | chapter one (Elriel)

Summary:

Azriel Mystic has been in live with his best friend since the moment he met her three years ago. Elain Archeron has been in love with her best friend since the day she moved into his apartment building three years ago. However neither of them have told the other about their feelings. They go through a routine every single day which includes pushing their feelings to the back burner. Azriel is starting to lose his patience though, he’s done waiting and is ready to make a move. Elain however is scared to lose her best friend.

Tiny Dancer interrupted Azriel’s peaceful dream that morning, cutting off the dream he did not want to leave. It was right in the middle flirting with Elain--his best friend--when the classic Elton John song cut through his words. Grumbling he reached out for his phone, answering it without even looking at the caller ID. He knew exactly who was calling him for two reasons. One it was the way he woke up every morning for work because he never set and alarm, and two there was only one person he knew that loved Elton John more than anything.

“I was having a good dream,” Azriel answered the phone in his morning rasp. Elain’s soft chuckle came through the phone along with the slamming of cabinets as she moved around her kitchen.

“Too bad we have to get to work,” Elain answered him and he knew by the sound of her voice she was smiling. Both of them worked as personal assistants, Azriel to his friend Rhys in his law firm and Elain for an interior design company. Both buildings were on opposite sides of the street from the other so the pair of friends tended to walk or take a cab to the office.

“I’ll call in sick,” Azriel said already sitting up and pushing his blankets off his body. He held his phone between his ear and shoulder as he moved around the room to get ready. Lucky for him he had decided on showering the night before after a long night out with his brothers, plus it was casual business attire for him most of the time minus court days.

“Rhys will never let you,” Elain said on the other end.

“Fake it until I make it.”

“You’ll never make it,” Elain said jokingly. Azriel laughed as he pulled out a clean pair of dress pants and a collared shirt from his closet.

“Isn’t my best friend supposed to believe in me at all times?” He teased as he wiggled his way into his pants, still managing to hold the phone in place.

“I do believe in you,” Elain said and he knew there was a “but” coming based off her hesitation. “I also know Rhys and as good as you at getting information your boss is better.” Azriel rolled his eyes even though he knew what she was saying was the truth. He had earned himself the name of “spymaster” among the law firm but it wouldn’t matter when going against his brother. Rhys had a way of knowing every little thing before everyone else, it's what made his such a sought after lawyer.

“Whatever I’ll meet you downstairs in two minutes,” Azriel hung up and finished getting dressed. Another thing about the two of them was that they lived two floors apart in the same building of their apartment complex. It was actually how they met and became friends three years ago.

They were moving in on the same day. Her boyfriend at the time was helping her move everything in while she stood back and directed him. Azriel had been walking up a flight of stairs when he caught them. Elain was smiling and happy while the boyfriend with the red hair groaned and complained the whole time. He thought it was quite comical and told Elain this when they officially met the next day.

Azriel grabbed his keys off the hook by the door. Then stuffed his wallet and phone into his pockets as he headed out of the apartment and downstairs to where Elain waited. She was wearing another sundress today. This one was a bright yellow with little daisies and butterflies spotted all over. The dress was longer than her other ones, ending just below her knee. Her sleeves were ruffled and the dress was a v-neck cut, at the center she wore the necklace she never took off.

The charm on the gold chain was a bouquet of pink lilies tied by a white bow. Azriel had gotten the necklace for the year they met as a christmas present. Since the day Elain had opened the small box and asked him to put it around her neck she had not taken it off. Azriel smiled now just thinking about the memory as he wrapped an arm around his best friend’s shoulders.

“Ready for the office?” He asked smiling down at her. She had to lean back so she could return the smile given the more than a few inches height difference between them.

“Is it bad we haven’t even left but I already wish we were coming home?” Elain asked as they began their trek down the sidewalk. The office building were a few blocks from where they lived and unless it was raining or snowing the duo always walked.

“Just a few more months and then you’ll have enough saved to open your shop,” Azriel said rubbing her shoulders in comfort. The only reason Elain had taken the job she knew she would hate was because of the money. By working with the company as long as she had and saving as much as possible she would have enough to open her business at the beginning of next spring. Elain had told Az about her dream to own a florist shop and considering how Velaris was a hot spot for weddings there would be no shortage of income.

“I think those months are during into years,” she complained as she rested her head against her friend’s shoulder.

“Years are turning into decades and decades into centuries, I’ve heard this before Elle.” She smiled as Azriel recited her go to verse of complaining. He always thought it was cute the way Elain moaned and groaned when she was unhappy, but deep down she knew he was already putting a plan together in order to cheer her up.

“Do I really complain that often that you’ve memorized it,” she was trying to sound embarrassed but truthfully Elain loved that he paid such close attention to her emotions and movements.

“You complain about your job everyday you have to go, of course I know it,” Az said like it was that obvious and considering she knew he was stating a fact she supposed it was.

“I’ll just find something new to complain about then,” Elain shrugged.

“How about we discuss something more fun.”

“Like what?”

“What show do you want to binge next now that we’ve finished Lucifer?” This was a much better topic for discussion and Elain found herself sad she hadn’t thought of it before. She hummed in thought as they reached a corner and waited for the white walking man to appear.

“Feyre told me she talked Rhys into watching Outlander with her now that it’s on Netflix,” Elain suggested remembering how her future brother-in-law was telling her about his new competition, Jamie Fraser.

“Is that the one where they’re in Scotland and she travels back in time a few centuries?” Azriel asked a puzzled look on his face like he was trying to decipher other shows in his head.

“Yeah it’s supposed to be amazing,” Elain said but she had already tried the first episode after she left her sister’s house the other night. She fell asleep halfway through the first episode and couldn’t bring herself to try again.

“How about The Flash? Cassian said a new season was just added,” Azriel countered reading her features and knowing her heart wasn’t really in the show she thought of.

“The Last Kingdom? It’s historical and full of action which is something we both love. Plus Mor has binged it a hundred times and is really pushing me to watch it.”

“Sounds perfect.” Their conversation halted as they reached the front door to the interior design company Elain worked for.

“Guess this is me,” Elain said softly really wishing she didn’t have to go through the gates of hell again. It was only Monday too.

“Keep your head up and start the timer I set on your phone so you know when to meet me for lunch,” Elain laughed at the last part feeling her chest lift slightly. Azriel always set a timer everyday so neither of them missed their lunch dates. They weren’t actually dates but Elain referred to them as nothing else but that in her head.

“Where shall we go today?” Elain asked wanting to stall the inevitable a little longer. They still had a few minutes before they needed to walk into the office anyways.

“Rita’s, I have to meet Rhys around the corner afterwards so it’ll be easier on me,” Azriel shrugged and she was one hundred percent fine with the choice. Rita’s was a bar and grill that her whole family and all her friends were obsessed with, they went every Tuesday night for trivia.

“You know I’m always down for that,” Elain smiled before looking down at her watch and realizing she needed to leave. “I have to go so wish me luck.”

“You don’t need it,” Azriel told her before turning and heading across the street to the law firm. She watched him go with a bright smile on her face. The moment his figure disappeared through the glass doors she sighed and turned on her heel, heading into her own place of work. Elain really wished it was next spring already.

(Let me know if you want to be tagged!)

[evilrubberducke]

Sweeter than Candy

I got the idea of Izuku and Mina cuddling while watching a movie marathon, and thus this fic was born. Expect plenty of tooth aching fluff, as the name would imply. Hope you enjoy!

Summary:  Mina worked hard in the lead-up to midterm exams. Now, with the exams concluded, it's time to celebrate, and what better way to do that than with an all day movie marathon with her boyfriend?

Read it on AO3!

“This seems like overkill” Izuku said as he watched Mina add another handful of snacks to the already enormous pile.

In truth, it probably was too much. Izuku stuck to his diet pretty religiously, and she wouldn’t be able to eat all of these on her own. That wasn’t the point though. Today was about indulgence, and she was going to splurge

“Nah.” Mina responded. “Overkill would be having to spend every waking minute not already devoted to hero training to studying math. Can you imagine? That would just be the worst.” As she spoke, her voice became more and more deadpan.

Izuku looked concerned by her tone of voice and stepped over to give her a comforting hug. It was unnecessary, but Mina enjoyed it nonetheless. She hadn’t done any testing, but she would be willing to bet good money that Izuku gave the best hugs in the class. He had a way of completely wrapping you in his warm arms that was just amazing.

“It was worth it though, right?” Izuku said softly into her ear.

“Yeah...” It had been, but that didn’t mean Mina wasn’t allowed to be salty about it.

Exam season was always a trying time at any school, but that went double for UA. As future heroes they were expected to maintain satisfactory grades while keeping up with their regular training, and preparing for whatever ridiculous practical exam their teachers had managed to concoct.

In addition to all that, Mina had had a personal goal. She was tired of being one of the only failing students in her class. Even Mineta was pulling better grades than her for god's sake!

So, she had given up a huge chunk of her personal time to prepare. She’d missed the season finale of her favorite reality show, she hadn’t gone to an arcade in weeks, and she had even sworn off pranks in the lead up to the exams.

She’d spent hours under Yaomomo’s careful tutelage, and even more time studying with Izuku after school every day as she tried to cram increasingly arcane formulas and facts into her poor brain. It had been a slow, horrifically boring process, but she had put her all into it. She’d even tried sleeping with her textbook under her pillow, in the hope that she would somehow absorb some knowledge by osmosis, a subject she now vaguely understood thanks to her wonderfully patient tutors.

When the exam had finally rolled around, Mina had felt more nervous about it than she had ever felt for a test before. Her mind had been horrifyingly blank, like all the knowledge she’d scraped together had fled in a fit of pique.

Then, almost miraculously, she’d known the answer to the first question. And the one after that as well. As she’d gotten further in, she'd started to feel more and more confident. Sure, she wasn’t getting every question, but most of the ones she didn’t know could be narrowed down to just two possible answers. It had felt good, like she was catching up to everyone else, instead of being left behind like always.

When Aizawa finally called time she had collapsed, happy but totally drained.

She had thought that the lead up to the exam would be the worst, but the aftermath was much more intense. Instead of being able to completely relax once she was done, like she had previously, Mina was left with a vague sense of anxiety about her performance that left her repeating the questions she already knew she had gotten wrong over and over in her head, trying to puzzle them out and failing miserably.

<I wonder if this is what Izuku feels like all the time> She had thought to herself  <If so, I owe him a big apology for every time I joked about how anxious he was.>

Aizawa, at least, was prompt with his grading. They had their tests graded on their desks by the end of the day.

Mina had slowly flipped her paper over, wanting to put off seeing the grade for as long as possible. Then shrieked with delight when she saw the big B- in the corner. Sure, it was far from the highest grade in the class, or even the highest grade she had gotten in her life, but it was the highest grade she had gotten since coming to UA, and that was an accomplishment in its own right.

And an achievement like that deserved a celebration!

Thus, she had assembled a small mountain of snacks ranging from chips to chocolate to sodas of several varieties. She had also put together a leaning tower of movies from all sorts of different genres. Feel good romance movies made up a significant percentage of the stack. They would be great for setting a lovely mood for her and Izuku. And a nice palate cleanser after the classic horror triple feature she had planned midway through the day.

Lastly, she had borrowed every spare pillow that she could find in the dorms and arranged them into a fortress for her and Izuku to snuggle in while they binged.

In short, Maestro Mina had concocted the perfect day for destressing, and she was going to milk it for all it was worth.

She might have overestimated the amount of snacks they would need, but she had definitely underestimated the amount of tissues Izuku would go through. He was midway through the first box before the first movie had even ended.

“Sorry” He sniffled, dabbing at his eyes once more. “It’s just ...they were so in love, and then ...it was just so sad!” He broke into a fresh round of sobs at the thought.

They had started off the night with a classic animated movie about a man who flew his house away on an adventure with an astounding number of balloons. Mina was fairly certain that such a feat was impossible unless he was distantly related to Uraraka, but she wasn’t going to criticise since it made for a pretty awesome visual.

She wrapped her arms around Izuku, pulling him into a comforting hug as she patted his head. It was sweet that he was such a softie, and that he felt comfortable enough around her that he didn't feel the need to hide it. It made her feel special.

Although, they were definitely going to need more tissues if things went according to plan. This wasn’t even close to the biggest tearjerker she had planned for their marathon.

Mina could feel Izuku nodding off beside her, head dipping slightly as he struggled against the sandman. She didn’t blame him. Lunch had been both tasty and super filling, which meant it was threatening to drag her off to dreamland as well. As pleasant as it would be to take a nap right then and there in Izuku’s arms, Mina had other plans.

Days like this didn’t come often, and that meant she had to enjoy every second of it.

Instead, she stood up and stretched. Izuku shook a bit of the drowsiness from his face and looked at her curiously. She merely smiled innocently at him as she made her way to the TV.

Izuku was a little bit too trusting sometimes. He wanted to think the best of people, and that let them take advantage of him from time to time. Mina didn’t abuse that trust, that would be immoral, but she did occasionally take advantage of it to make Izuku’s life just a little more interesting.

Her plan for today involved introducing him to a classic in B movie horror that was sure to get his blood pumping and wake him right up. It was time for the horror block to begin!

Mina silently cackled to herself as she slid the movie in.

Izuku obviously knew that something was up with her. After nearly a year together, they were both getting better at reading the other’s body language, and he had gotten adept at recognizing her ‘I’m having fun pranking someone’ smile as a survival mechanism.

It took him right up until the title ‘Night of Screams 2: The Revenge of Screamtopia’ to realize what she was planning, and by that point, it was far too late.

Quick as a whip, she snaked her legs through his, tangling them together and preventing him from getting up unless she let him.

“Minaaaaaa!” He cried as he clawed at the floor. She did notice, however, that despite being much stronger than her, he made no real attempt to get free.

“Shush you. I told you the quadratic formula was terrifying, and you made me memorize it anyway. Consider this my vengeance!” She put on her best evil villainess face as she spoke. The effect was ruined by the smile she couldn’t keep off her lips, but she felt it was important to make the effort all the same.

He moaned inarticulately in response as the opening credits began to play.

Mina hummed in response, and wrapped her arms around her boyfriend once again. “Tell you what, if you get scared, you can snuggle up to me and I’ll make it all better, ok?”

It took a moment, but she finally heard a muffled “Kay” from below her.

She smiled in triumph. It had taken a lot of effort to get here, but it really was good to be the Queen.

“You doing ok back there Izuku?” Mina asked.

No response came, though Izuku clutched more tightly to her back as a shriek rang out from the TV. Another innocent down as the monster continued it’s furious rampage. It was over the top, and for a horror buff like Mina, it was nothing she hadn’t seen a thousand times before.

Izuku, however, was having a much tougher time of it. It was kind of funny. They had faced terrifying villains like Shiguraki and his Nomu, and Izuku had barely flinched. She’d even heard from Uraraka that he’d stayed calm when Shigaraki had him by the neck during the incident at the Kiyashi mall incident, trying to prevent anyone from getting hurt in the crossfire. And now, here he was cowering from some cheap blood and jump scares.

As he flinched again, Mina relented. She had planned a trio of films for the day, and while she was enjoying having Izuku clinging to her, it was obvious Izuku wasn’t having nearly as good of a time as she was.

A comedy then. One that would get him flashing that smile she loved so much once again.

Just ...in a minute or two. She really loved the part coming up, and after all, it wasn’t like Izuku would keel over from just a little more gore, would he…?

“Mina, I’m not sure how good an idea this is” Izuku said hesitantly. “There’s a real choking hazard.”

“Pfffft! My big brother and I used to do this with jawbreakers all the time, and we’re both fine! Now, hit me with your best shot!” Mina called, tilting her head back once more.

She was sitting at the foot of her bed, while Izuku was at the top, holding a bag of candy in one hand and wearing a worried expression.

Finally, at her continued insistence that she would be fine, he tossed one of the candies lightly toward her. It wasn’t a great throw, and Mina had to lunge to the side, but she managed to catch the candy in her mouth. She swallowed it quickly, then grinned at Izuku in triumph.

He smiled back at her, the look of nervousness fading somewhat in the face of her victory.

“Toldja I could do it!” She proclaimed. “I’m the candy catch master! It was part of how I trained my reflexes for UA. Now why don’t you give me a real challenge?” She winked as she said it. Technically, the line about it being reflex training was BS, but it sounded almost reasonable enough to be true, so Mina stuck with it.

Shaking his head, Izuku readied another candy to throw. They were a brand of chocolate coated berries that Mina found absolutely delicious. In fact, she was having such a hard time not scarfing the whole bag that she had proposed the game as a way to slow down her consumption rate.

Izuku’s next throw went wide again, but this time Mina wasn’t able to catch it with her lips. Instead it came plummeting directly into her right eye.

She flinched, the offending candy bouncing to the floor as she reached up to rub at her eye, trying to work the irritation out manually.

“Are you okay?” Izuku said, rushing to her side. “I didn’t mean to hurt you!” he said, taking her head gently in his hands and peering into her eye, checking for damage.

“I’m fine Midori.” She said, chuckling slightly at his response despite the minor pain she was feeling. At this point, she was more than used to enduring small pains thanks to all their hero training. There wasn’t a day that went by where she didn’t pick up some minor scrape or cut. Sure, the accidental eye attack had stung, but the irritation was already fading.

Izuku seemed satisfied that he hadn’t accidentally put her eye out. He sighed in relief, but he kept his hands on the sides of her head, and his eyes stayed locked on hers.

“Midori?” She asked, as the moment of silence dragged on. “You okay in there?”

He smiled softly at that, and let go of her head, turning his face slightly away from hers as he did so. “Sorry. I just…” He turned his face back to hers, and she could see that his cheeks were dusted with red. “I always forget how pretty your eyes are, so when I see them up close like that, I get distracted.” He idly poked the tips of his index fingers together as he spoke.

Now it was Mina’s turn to blush, a brilliant lilac filling her cheeks as her heart started to beat faster. <Being that cute has to be illegal>

She pulled Izuku into a tight hug and planted a firm kiss on his cheek, which caused him to light up like a christmas tree, just like he did every time she kissed him. It was another one of his cute habits that she had picked up on rather quickly after they had started dating. He reacted to every bit of affection like it was the first time he had received it.

It did make her a bit sad, thinking about how lonely he must have been growing up, if that was the way he reacted. He’d told her a bit about his childhood, how he hadn’t had any friends since his Quirk had come in so late and they had thought he was Quirkless.

Instead of letting the sadness overwhelm her, Mina took the opposite approach. She hugged Izuku even tighter, kissing his cheeks, his forehead, his eyes, and his ears until he was giggling at her to stop. She’d make up for the lack of affection, or her name wasn’t Mina Ashido, girlfriend extraordinaire.

Izuku looked down at Mina’s gently snoring form. She had passed out a few minutes ago, exhaustion finally overtaking the ludicrous amount of sugar and caffeine she had been inhaling all day.

When Mina Ashido partied, she didn’t do it half way.

Smiling, he pulled the blankets up over her shoulders, tucking her comfortably into bed. The pair had changed into pajamas as the day had worn into evening, so there was no need to worry about mussing her clothes.

She sighed contentedly in her sleep, shifting slightly to get into a more comfortable position.

As he leaned down to plant a good night kiss on her forehead, he could hear her mutter something in her sleep.

“Wanna go in the haunted house next…” She whined softly.

He could only chuckle at that. One of their first dates, before they had officially become boyfriend and girlfriend, had been to Universal Studios Japan. They had been more than a little nervous going in, given their previous experience at  a similarly named location.

However, it had turned out excellently. They had both had tons of fun, going on all kinds of rides until they had felt slightly nauseous, checking out the scenery, and buying overpriced gag gifts for their friends and classmates. It had even ended with them sharing their first properly romantic hug, just before they returned to the dorms.

Knowing that she was dreaming about being on a date with him, despite spending nearly the entire day with him made his chest feel warm and full.

He leaned in the rest of the way, planting a soft kiss on her forehead.

She sighed in contentment and snuggled deeper into her pillows.

<How did I get so lucky?> He thought to himself as he flicked off the lights.

Just before the door clicked shut behind him, he whispered something that even Jirou would have had trouble hearing from across the room.

“Good night Mina. I love you with all my heart…”

With that, he padded off to his own room, excited to spend the rest of the day with Mina, in the world of his dreams.

Also available on AO3!

[mittensmorgul]

Faith on the tnt loop (which, full disclosure, I slept through oopsie, so I pulled out the blu ray because this is NOT one I can skip).

Post 14.20, this episode is... extra-amazing, honestly. I’ve always felt that this episode was unwittingly (possibly, at the time it was written) a window into what this story could potentially do. When I first binged this series, this was the first episode I finished where I had to stop and completely reevaluate what I was actually witnessing. This was the episode that took me from casually consuming a fun lil monster show to 100% invested in this grand narrative. Even without any knowledge of what the ensuing 6 1/2 season (that existed at the time), I felt like I had my first glimpse of a much bigger picture in store for me. This was the first episode that, after a break to absorb what I’d just witnessed, I went back and immediately watched it again. Turns out I wasn’t reading too much into it... in fact, I wasn’t reading nearly enough into it...

The episode begins with Sam and Dean hunting a monster that we’ve only ever seen once more in the entirety of canon-- a rawhead, which earned a mention in 14.01 after an off-screen hunt for one went wrong enough to have left a tooth behind in one of the AU hunters. As if the monster in this case has been rendered doubly irrelevant, by virtue of the fact it practically dies offscreen in 1.12 while Dean's defeat of it and his own actions and choices in defeating it are the actual inciting incident of all the relevant action to follow. And in 14.01, all that remains of the rawahead was a tooth that's extracted from a wound and likely a wild hunter's tale.

Dean explains the use of the tasers they're using to take down the rawhead (specifically that the electricity is deadly to it and each weapon is one use only, "so make it count"). Dean takes his shot, and misses, but they find the children the rawhead had been holding captive. Dean tells Sam to take them outside to safety, and Sam hands over his taser to Dean, leaving Dean alone to face the monster (who we learn in 14.01 moves a lot faster than expected, and fast enough that we never even really see it in 1.12). Dean is literally backed into a corner, on the ground in a puddle of water, with the monster looming over him when he chooses to take his shot. It's not like he had much choice, right? So he shoots, and thanks to the water he's lying in, he electrocutes himself as well, damaging his own heart to the point where the doctor gives him a month to live.

He could've made a different choice, could've rolled out of the water, could've tried to fight off the rawhead (probably ineffectively) but perhaps enough that it would've given up and escaped to hunt children another day, but Dean took his shot, in a circumstance where he felt it was the right thing to end this monster and prevent it from hurting anyone ever again, even when it hurt him in the process. Not that he knew it would necessarily kill him to do it, but he was fully aware of the power of the weapon in his hand and what it was capable of, and accepted that it would hurt him right along with the monster he'd aimed it at since they were “connected” through the puddle of water.

Can anyone else say Hammurabi? Equalizer?

All of this has happened before.

But that's just the beginning. Because Dean survived, even if mortally wounded. This was the first time, though, that they were motivated to defy death, and that brings us to the true Monster of the Week-- Sue Ann LeGrange. Yes, I know it's technically "a reaper," but operating under Sue Ann's control and on her orders. She was the one who chose who lived and who died, based on who SHE thought was worthy, or unworthy in the case of her chosen victims. She was "playing god," deceiving her husband after saving HIS life with this dark magic (which required at least TWO sacrifices on her part-- one to make the altar and talisman to bind the reaper in the first place, and one person to die to save Roy, unbeknownst to him), and letting him think that he was miraculously granted the gift of healing by God.

And Sam decides to look for a similar sort of miraculous cure for Dean, even when Dean had accepted his own apparent fate:

DEAN: Look, Sammy, what can I say, man, it's a dangerous gig. I drew the short straw. That's it, end of story. SAM: Don't talk like that, alright? We still have options. DEAN: What options? Yeah, burial or cremation. And I know it's not easy. But I'm gonna die. And you can't stop it. SAM: Watch me.

Sam isn't about to go committing human sacrifice like Sue Ann, but after a tearful phone call plea to John for help, which goes unreplied to, Sam takes matters into his own hands, just as Dean checks himself out of the hospital having accepted his fate:

SAM: You know, this whole I-laugh-in-the-face-of-death thing? It's crap. I can see right through it. DEAN: Yeah, whatever, dude. Have you even slept? You look worse than me. SAM: (Helping DEAN to a chair) I've been scouring the Internet for the last three days. Calling every contact in Dad's journal. DEAN: For what? SAM: For a way to help you. One of Dad's friends, Joshua, he called me back. Told me about a guy in Nebraska. A specialist. DEAN: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you? SAM: I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going.

(aside to lol at John’s friend being named “Joshua,” namesake of the one angel God continued to talk to after supposedly abandoning Heaven and Earth, the angel who told Sam and dean in 5.16 that God refused to step in to help stop the apocalypse, and the angel killed in 12.19 by Dagon before fetus!Jack hijacked Cas to kill Dagon in turn... and even after his death it was Joshua’s amulet in 14.17 that enabled him to summon Chuck back into the story... funny that this hunter we never hear about again was the one to point Sam in the direction of this healer...)

And I'm sorry to just keep pasting in chunks of transcript, but this all goes to Sam and Dean's respective outlooks on pretty much everything, and the Grand Manipulation of Chuck in the entire narrative as we now understand it post 14.20:

DEAN: I mean, come on, Sam, a faith healer? SAM: Maybe it's time to have a little faith, Dean. DEAN: You know what I've got faith in? Reality. Knowing what's really going on. SAM: How can you be a skeptic? With the things we see everyday? DEAN: Exactly. We see them, we know there real. SAM: But if you know evil's out there, how can you not believe good's out there, too? DEAN: Because I've seen what evil does to good people.

Sam has faith, Dean's a skeptic. Throughout s14 we saw what it would take to break Dean to the point where he would accept the word of God without question. It literally took the entire season, more than half of it revolving around his possession and complete loss of free will and self, building him up when Michael left him again and giving him a false sense of security to begin to feel comfortable building emotional bridges to his entire family (including Jack), only to tear it all down and lose himself to Michael again on a whim, losing Mary again, losing Jack to soullessness because of his own failed choices (in his estimation, at least). This process of showing Dean how little power and control he has over his own existence was furthered by Billie presenting him with the supposed singular solution to save the world, which Dean interpreted to mean the most horrifying iteration of self-sacrifice the show has ever presented to us-- an eternity spent at the bottom of the ocean, locked with Michael in the Ma'lak box. Ironically, just as he was beginning to think of himself as something more than just a weapon, the parallel can't help but be drawn to the First Blade, which Cain had thrown to the bottom of the ocean in a similar fashion. Which should only serve to remind us that even that's not a permanent solution to any problem. And I think THAT was the lesson Billie truly wished Dean to understand. Jack is the one who ends up making the true sacrifice (his own human soul) to kill Michael once and for all, and Dean is left with the guilt of that.

But several other important incidents in s14 tie directly back to this, too. 14.08, playing with life and death, learning about what truly matters in someone's destiny after death, and what the Winchesters are willing to do to save a loved one. Ironically, in the process, Cas is backed into a corner, making a deal with the Empty Entity for his own happiness in exchange for Jack's soul.

Nothing ever comes for free. The Winchesters have been juggling these horrific choices and sacrifices their entire lives, and nothing is ever just as simple as an uncomplicated win.

Which is a key element of 1.12. Dean's skepticism, his feeling of "wrongness" after being healed by Roy, uncovers the larger truth. Sam desperately wants Dean to just let it go, accept it as a miracle, and move on:

SAM: Look, Dean, do we really have to look this one in the mouth? Why can't we just be thankful that the guy saved your life and move on? DEAN: Because I can't shake this feeling, that's why.

A miracle isn't enough for Dean, and the truth is darker and more horrifying than Sam can accept. As he uncovers more and more of the facts of just how Roy is supposedly healing people, he tearfully apologizes to Dean, and they work together to find a way to stop it from happening again. Someone is controlling a reaper, literally trading one life for another. Chuck must've LOVED this episode of his favorite show. It nails all his favorite themes:

DEAN: You never should've brought me here. SAM: Dean, I was just trying to save your life. DEAN: But, Sam, some guy is dead now because of me. SAM: I didn't know.

Ignorance of the truth didn't stop them from becoming entangled in this mess, though. Just like it hasn't stopped them from becoming entangled in every other cosmic mess they've stumbled across over the succeeding 14 seasons. Sam believed it was a miracle, and his faith had blinded him to the truth-- or at least made him want to believe, motivated by the results at Dean's miraculous healing. It's the same faith that led him in early s11 to want to believe his visions were coming from God, that maybe his visions that had plagued him in early seasons were being used for good now-- and with the intervention of Billie in 11.02 when those visions began, it's interesting how the solution that actually saved his life in that circumstance technically came from what she said to him about being "unclean in the biblical sense."

Reapers and their powers and limitations (clean hands!), and their knowledge of the Bigger Picture that Billie herself won't be able to see until she dies and is resurrected with the mantle of Death, have their beginnings in the mythology right here, enslaved to the will of a mortal woman who believed she could make choices about who deserved to live and who deserved to die based on her own corrupted sense of morality.

Even when the concept of Death is introduced in 5.10, he's presented as "lesser" than what he truly is by virtue of Lucifer having bound him to his will for the purposes of the apocalypse, and as merely one of the Four Horsemen equal to War, Famine, and Pestilence. In 5.21, we learn what he's "supposed to be." Practically an equal to God, with the power over all life and death. It's not really until 13.05 that we learn the truth about just how powerful Billie has become, and yet what her limitations still are. We begin to see one side of this massive cosmic chess match, all leading up to the biggest revelation of them all in 14.20.

Back to 1.12 again... (sorry it's impossible not to be continually distracted by the theme spiral here). Dean also is uncomfortable for the first time over the potential for The Lord to be eyeballing him specifically, which is a feeling he's gonna truly grow into throughout s4 "I don't like being singled out at birthday parties, let alone by God," right up through the showdown at the end of 14.20.

DEAN: Why? Why me? Out of all the sick people, why save me? ROY: Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart, and you just stood out from all the rest. DEAN: What did you see in my heart? ROY: A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn't finished.

Throughout the episode, they believe it's Roy controlling the reaper and making the choices about who lives and dies, but he was literally blind to the fact it was Sue Ann. He was as much a victim in all of this as the people he believed he was healing, that he believed he had been touched by God to impart new life to. But knowing the full truth, Dean has to stop someone from being healed that even HE believes deserves to be saved, to be spared the suffering of a life cut short by an inoperable brain tumor, after learning an innocent man would die in her place. No matter how much he might feel that Layla didn't deserve that fate, he also doesn't believe the man who'd been protesting Roy's healing ministry deserves to die just for that fact, either.

SUE ANN: I just don't understand. After everything we've done for you. After Roy healed you. I'm just very very disappointed Dean DEAN stares at her, saying nothing. SUE ANN: You can let him go. I'm not gonna press charges. The Lord will deal with him as he sees fit. SUE ANN leaves. The cops turn to DEAN. COP 1: We catch you round here again son, we'll put the fear of God in you, understand?

Once again, in text, Sue Ann is unwittingly labeled "God." It's not God's wrath Dean fears, but Sue Ann's, knowing his defiance has likely turned him from worthy of healing to unworthy of living. Now this has moved beyond idealistically wanting to stop someone from playing god with people's lives right back to the immediate need to stop them before someone else becomes the next victim. And all of their choices-- Dean not being able to walk away, not being able to look the other way, discovering the full horrific truth of how he himself had been brought back from the brink of death, led them to this juncture where it truly felt like they had no other choice but to stop the monster. It literally became a life and death matter for Dean.

I still find it fascinating that as a result of their actions and choices in this episode, the reaper who'd been enslaved to Sue Ann's will was freed when Sam crushed the talisman that kept him bound. I find that highly amusing in retrospect, that while Dean was literally touched by an incarnation of Death several times in this episode, Sam effectively committed services rendered to the Cosmic Order.

We've learned so much about all of this over the years, as well-- the need for balance, order in the universe, and so many of those lessons have come from Death directly. Dean learns some of this firsthand in 6.11, for example, when he takes on Death's job for a day (or at least the life-and-death side of his job, now that we know so much more about his knowledge and understanding of creation as a whole). We learn even more through Billie, and her constant reminders that what's dead should stay dead, and through Billie's reapers once she becomes Death. 13.19 reminds us, through a story about the consequences of killing reapers, just how tenuous the course of cosmic events can be, and what the universe does to self-correct when the balance tilts too far in one direction. It's a lesson Tessa began to teach way back in 4.15, in an episode where Dean once again saves the life of a reaper (not only unwittingly protecting the cosmic balance, but literally stopping the breaking of a seal and staving off the apocalypse for at least another day, and that entire episode, that entire case, only happened through the unwitting guidance of them to the case by Cas-- still operating under Heaven’s orders and pretending to be Bobby sending them to that town to investigate...).

It has always felt to me that the show has subtly revealed more about the truth of the cosmos through death and Death than anything else. And that's on full display now in 1.12. Sue Ann's lies of omission about Roy's "powers," her manipulation of circumstance and her ensnarement of a reaper to do her will, choosing who lives and dies and literally "playing God," is it really any wonder to find out that Chuck has attempted to do the same on the highest cosmic scale from the start? He is a writer, after all, writing the entire story of the universe even as the universe fights to tell its own story. It's only by looking to the center and seeing the truth of the entire picture that they can free themselves from that fate, break the spell that's held them captive to Chuck's narrative and this endless cycle of sacrifice.

Heck I still love this episode. So much that I’ve let the next three episodes play out in the background... This is the entire spiral of the story played out in miniature, wrapped into a single episode.

[brightsun-and-darkmidnight]

My Hand is Not Yours to Hold

TITLE: My Hand is Not Yours to Hold

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Oneshot

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: You are a princess. When you come of age, your parents decide to hold a tournament, the winner gets your hand in marriage. Invites for the tournament are sent to all of the nine realms and beyond.

NOTES/WARNINGS: Arranged marriage. NSFW.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Serilda has a secret that Loki finds out and uses both male and female forms to satisfy his princess.

*Thanks again to @cateyes315 for having wonderful ideas! Especially for urging me on when I need the push.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

*FINALLY..Read the warnings. Once you agree you can handle it...

 ~ ~ ENJOY  ~ ~

Serilda was called to her parents throne room for apparent "important business."

The guards opened the door and when in front of them she curtsied. "Mother. Father. You requested me?"

"You are of age now and are to be married off to make a strong alliance with another world."

"That is ridiculous! How is an arranged marriage going to work. I don't want to be married -you can't!"

Her mother scolded her. "Serilda you knew from when you were young, the day would come when you are to be married. It is your duty as Princess."

Her father spoke loudly. "We will send out invitations tomorrow to all the neighboring worlds for a contest for your hand. The winner will be more than able to protect you and thus their world will be best to make an alliance with."

Serilda hoped her assumption was right. "So there will be a contest to battle for my hand?"

Both of her parents nodded in agreement.

Serilda stomped her foot and turned towards the door. "It is a stupid idea!"

However once in her room she grinned mischievously in the mirror.

~^~^~

Loki saw Thor walking to the throne room.

Loki asked, "Did father call for you as well?"

Thor nodded as he kept walking.

Loki stayed silent on the walk. 

The doors opened for the Princes and then shut once they were in. Both of them bowed to their father.

"You have both been invited to a contest for princess Serilda's hand. I would advise both of you go. The Queided have numerous animals that could aid Asgard and the nutrients from their plants are the healthiest of the entire 9 realms."

Thor asked, "Aren't the Queided exotic beings?"

Odin spoke, "yes. Their appearance is not like any you have seen. You will treat them all with respect and honor. You are dismissed. Go and train. You leave in two days."

~^~^~

Loki trained the hardest he ever had before. Mixing his magic in with his daggers. He hit the bulls eye so much that there was no longer color for that part of the target but a noticeable divot. Just because Loki was not thrilled about being in an arranged marriage, he was not going to just lose.

Besides the main point of all the training was to prove Loki he was worthy of something.

~^~^~

Serilda trained all night with her sword.

No one but the wild animals knew she had a sword, other than the blacksmith. Even then she was in a heavy disguise at the time of purchase. That disguise would come in handy once again when she won her freedom, her own hand.

 ~^~^~

The day came when all of the suitors stood in front of Serilda's parents, who were delighted the Asgardian princes accepted.

Serilda stood tall and confident among the suitors in her own disguise. She did not say more than needed due to her throat finding it difficult to keep the deep rumbling voice active.

No matter what... she would win. Her confidence was the highest it has ever been because she was a woman fighting among men. Her parents would throw a fit if they knew she was a fighter but they would find out when she won. 

Girls were never meant to fight on her planet, but she didn't care.

If lady Sif could fight her way to get noticed as a warrior among men why couldn't Serilda do the same?

~^~^~

While Thor and most of the other suitors went to binge the food and drinks, Loki went for a journey.

The wildlife were not scared of him and they were surely interesting to watch. Some had many legs, some had wings but did not look anything like a bird. All animals and plants had unique prints on them. When the light went down many things glowed with intricate patterns.

It was a truly interesting world. 

Before leaving Asgard, Loki had found a book on this world and nothing could compete with the real world.

Loki heard a woman grunt and he went to see if she was in distress. The women were prized and were protected. They were not allowed to fight.

Loki seen a woman with nightshade purple hair. A petite figure with, distinct pale skin and yellow eyes.

It was the Princess.

Loki stayed silent as he watched her. Observed her moves and how well she was doing. Loki understood her fighting style in a few moves then left with the information in his mind.

Loki paced in his room as he tried to figure out what the princess was doing with a sword and knew how to use one. He couldn't ask anyone because she would be in trouble but finally everything made sense the next day when he seen the mysterious suitor fighting.

It was the same sword. The same movements and Loki knew who it was, giving him even more reason to make it to the top. He knew she did not like the idea of being married off since she made it clear by not being present at most things...but the mysterious one would be at.

Perhaps if Loki was in the final round and let her win she could have her freedom.

~^~^~

Serilda was anxious. She made it to the final round but she had to go against Loki. He was a quick study and found weaknesses so blindly fast he won all of his battles easily.

The fact he was pleasantly charming and by far the most polite out of all the suitors, her parents were in favor of Loki.

They said he is the best choice -not the mysterious one. Which in all fairness, Serilda would not like a potential suitor who did not give information.

Loki on the other hand was knowledgeable, he seemed to know everything that was brought up in a discussion and he held himself with such confidence.

Serilda was starting to like the attempts to talk to her.

He had so many questions about her world and snuck in questions about what she liked and didn't.

~^~^~

Loki seen Serilda and went to her.

"Would you like to walk with me?" Loki offered his arm.

He seen the hesitation before she gently held on.

"Where are we going?"

"Is it okay if we go to the forest? I frequented there every night since I arrived. The animals are quite nice compared to Asgard's beasts."

Serilda visibly took on a frightened look. She cleared her throat quickly. "Yes. Asgard have bilesnipe. Are they really that dangerous?"

"Oh yes. But in order to keep their numbers down we have a hunting season for them."

"We do not hunt many animals here. We have our plants for important nutrients, our waters to keep hydrated. We get milk from all animals, some of them so sweet it is practically nauseating."

"I have yet to find something that sweet. And I am told I have a terrible sweet tooth."

Serilda giggled. "Perhaps I should get you some. It is mainly used as an ingredient for cooking. Have you tried the red and gold circular candy with the silver goo inside?"

Loki smiled, "yes and I fear it was not sweet enough."

Loki laughed at her highly surprised face.

"That is absurd. It is the sweetest food we make here and it only has five drops of the milk!"

Loki grinned. "I ate 5 of them."

She teased with a smile. "Have you slept?"

"Like a newborn babe." Loki took her in the direction of her training area and she held onto his arm and tried to take him elsewhere.

Loki took both of her hands and looked at her face.

"I know your secret."

Loki let her take her hands away. 

"I have no secret."

"You are the mysterious suitor no one knows nothing about. I have seen you practicing here."

She searched his face. "What are you going to do?"

"I was thinking we could practice a battle to where I loose and you can have your own hand."

"Really?"

"I think it sounds like fun. Just a little Mischief of course."

She smiled and agreed.

~^~^~

Serilda's parents watched with anticipation as the battle went on but the mysterious one won.

Serilda smiled in victory as she took her helmet off.

The gasps of the crowd and the disbelieving rage on her parent's faces was worth it.

However it did not go well.

Serilda was scolded and her parents apologized to each suitor as they left with damaged egos.

Odin however did not accept any apologies and instead bargained.

"You, princess Serilda, are a brave fighter. If you would accept to be my youngest son's wife you would bring along great fortunes from Asgard to your planet. There would be trade and your people would prosper and be protected by Asgard with a stronger alliance."

Serilda felt all eyes on her and seeing how different she looked from the Asgardians made her question if she really wanted to stick out somewhere in such high royalties.

Her father broke the silence, "Serilda you are to marry prince Loki since he is the real champion. That is, if he would have you."

With a glance at Loki she decided it wouldn't be so bad.

He was the nicest of everyone and she knew more about him than all the others. Loki also kept her secret and helped her try to get her freedom. Loki seemed to care about her own choices, since he was willing to lose for a chance of her own freedom.

His lips formed a smile then a thin line as he tried not to.

"I accept."

Loki was asked, "do you, Loki, wish to marry our daughter and create a great alliance between us?"

"I do." 

Then he smiled and it forced Serilda's lips to curve upward as well.

~^~^~

It was decided the ceremony would happen at Asgard so Serilda was packed up with everything she wished. The servants were nice to her but she saw their lingering stares.

She went to the forest for a moment to be alone.

~^~^~

Loki was on his way to retrieve Serilda so they could be together as they walked through Asgard.

However, he saw her headed to the forest while wiping at her cheeks.

Loki paused for a moment before observing the area. 

No one seemed to notice, or at least did not acknowledge her leaving.

Loki followed her through the forest and was careful not to be seen or heard.

~^~^~

Serilda leaned on a tree to stabilize herself.

Sobs turned into bawling.

One of the animals sensitive to emotion nuzzled into her to which she threw herself at.

The soft fur was distracting and the hum of the animal's calming song enveloped the area.

Serilda talked through her sniffling.

"How am I to marry a prince? A man?"

She twirled some fur around her finger then let her hand rub signs into the animal.

"Oh Zen. I am going to miss you. You know all of my secrets. You are the only being that knows I prefer women. Not that there is anything wrong with Loki-or that I am repulsed by him… it's just."

Serilda let out a groan of frustration.

"I have a protective nature, and I fight for what I want. Those things are not accepted by my people, being a woman that is. I highly doubt things will be different in Asgard. And the way people stare is making me worry more. I am different in so many ways."

Serilda continued to rub Zen's fur as a thank you for the comforting time to just talk.

The calming humm stopped causing Serilda to look around.

Behind her was Loki.

~^~^~

Loki stood behind Serilda and decided the next words were crucial.

"Everything you said makes you, who you are."

Serilda's eyes were wide with fear as she clung to the animal.

"Serilda do not be afraid. You will be prized for all you are in Asgard. The reason everyone stares is because they are in awe of your beauty."

"What of the marriage ceremony? You still…"

Loki offered a timid smile as his magic shimmered across his body.

A melodic voice took place of a deep velvet voice.

"People have called me a plethora of names but I am comfortable being whatever I am."

Serilda's eyes scanning over Loki's body made her shiver in excitement.

Serilda hesitantly questioned. "You can be both male and female?"

"Simply put, yes. I am a natural shapeshifter, for me to change into whatever form I wish -or perhaps, you wish, is easy for me. I do not mind one or the other because who I am does not change."

Serilda rose to her feet and stood awkwardly.

"What form would you like to escort you into Asgard as my partner?"

Serilda looked down in thought then glanced at Loki. "We will be expected to have a child?"

Loki went to his male form. "It is expected of us, yes." Loki smirked, "though you don't need to worry. Most of the 9 realms know I change forms. Word will likely reach this planet as well. People love to talk, especially those who have no idea on the subject."

Loki held out his hand and Serilda took it.

Loki smiled and kissed her hand. "Your secrets are safe with Zen and I."

"Thank you Loki."

~^~^~

Serilda was sweating profusely as Loki held her from behind.

He moved her feet further apart.

His breath hot on her ear "you need to move like this."

Serilda nodded silently and let his hand move hers towards her body.

With his hand starting to go back to her elbow she then flicked her wrist to throw the dagger.

He kissed her temple. "Better."

Serilda grunted. "It wasn't a bullseye."

Loki pointed to the target where there was a cluster of daggers.

"You hit the same area every time. You just need to adjust your stance."

Serilda went to position herself as Loki has been working tirelessly to perfect.

Loki kicked her foot, then again because apparently she didn't get it right. He tapped on her shoulder and hooked her chin up higher.

Serilda didn't remember her face needing to be so high.

Her eyes met his and then he spoke with a smile.

"Your body is holding a lot of stress."

Serilda became flustered with how intense his gaze was.

"Is it the training, or the ceremony on your mind?" Loki leaned in slowly, eyeing her lips and husked, "or something else?"

Serilda watched that special tone of green appear in his eyes.

Loki hummed in question with a raised eyebrow.

Serilda's eyes were wide as she watched him back up and rock on his feet.

She huffed and threw the dagger at the target.

"Stop teasing me!"

Loki pointed to the target with a dagger almost touching the bullseye.

"I am starting to think the more flustered you are the better you are at training."

Serilda growled as she went to retrieve her daggers. 

"So what is getting your body so tense?"

Serilda glared at him as she threw another dagger. She glanced at the target and the dagger was actually in the center of the target.

Loki moved close to her, "perhaps a little more tension will get the next bullseye?"

Serilda ran from him with a laugh.

Laughing even harder as she was caught.

Though once his mouth started to work along her neck she had to close her mouth in fear of being heard.

"I can not wait till this ceremony is over with. You will be calling out my name-"

"Loki!"

He chuckled into her ear. "Not quite like that."

Serilda knew they were alone but the way he spoke such sinful things so easily made her stomach warm and her legs to close tightly for any amount of relief.

Loki's hands went to her hips and she could feel his arousal.

"I look forward to having your mind swimming with the need for release as I tease you relentlessly with both body forms one at a time."

Serilda felt his body change. No longer was there something rubbing on her ass but the soft mounds pressing into her upper back.

The melodic voice was close to her ear, "will you be the judge to what form is the best at giving pleasure?"

Serilda could only nod due to fear of what sound would escape.

Loki parted from her and Serilda glared at the beautiful woman.

Loki pointed to the targets with a sexy smirk. 

"Back to target practice. Or do you need another pep talk?"

~^~^~

After the ceremony they were carried to Loki's chambers much to his delight.

All of the teasing from the past few days did not leave Serilda the only one tense for release.

Loki admired Serilda's appearance even when some Asgardians thought her odd looking. Loki let her know her looks are far more captivating than anyone he has seen on Asgard. 

Her pale skin stood out of his darkly colored rooms.

Her yellow eyes matching the gold trim of his pillows.

And her hair sprawled all around her head captivated him and he could not stop touching it.

Loki changed to his womanly form and let Serilda explore.

Serilda gave Loki the best orgasm of her life, to which Loki returned the favor once Serilda was done with her feast.

As their bodies moved together in slow movements Serilda moaned loud enough Loki was sure the whole palace could hear. 

Loki was sure to feel all of Serilda with slow hands of his masculine form. Of course Loki would attempt similar actions since he was being judged. Equal treatment was needed for fair judgment after all. 

Loki watched with fascination as she came to completion, his name ringing through the room. She tugged on his hair and kissed him as he drove her to completion three more times before finally finishing himself.

He laid there with her and she held onto him as they both regained their breath.

Loki covered themselves with a thick blanket.

"So which form did you like better?"

Serilda hummed in tired delight.

Loki kissed Serilda's forehead. "Perhaps in the morning we could start another round..."

[gaycrouton]

I just hate how in season 9 the attention simply shifted to reyes/doggett. Like i understand it's titled the xfiles but still it was the story of mulder and scully. Bcz it suddenly shifted to 2 new characters, then the ratings dropped.

Sorry it took my 500 years to answer this, I actually just started learning I was in the minority about this recently and it reminded me of this ask. 

So HERE ARE MY OPINIONS ABOUT SEASON NINE THAT LITERALLY NO ONE ASKED FOR.

I will start off by saying S9 holds sentimental value for me. I was binging there at the end before S11 came out so I could catch up and I ended up being able to enjoy s9 on my winter break with my mom

Again, I just want to establish that this is my opinion. I’m not saying I’m right, this is just how I view it having watched it about two years ago (with multiple revisits since).

I fucking love season nine. Honestly, I like it a wee bit more than I like season eight.

I know, I know. “But there was no Mulder.” Yo, I was hella sad too, but I won’t lie when I say Scully is more important of a character for me. We enter the show with her. Scully is the audience’s lense and connection point into a universe that Mulder is willing to dive into that seems outlandish and bizzare to those unfamiliar (including Scully and the audience). Her skepticism is felt by the viewers week by week. Scully saying “wtf does untied shoelaces have to do with vampires” is us. Her seeking and gaining knowledge serves to help the audience continue on these quests. As I say this, I’m not saying Mulder is worthless, but I am saying that a show where we have to cover all bases in order to prove something is more dynamic and has more room for possibilities than one where someone just believes.

And I’m more attracted to Gillian Anderson sooo…..

But that’s besides the point and I’m going off on tangents. What I mean to say with all of this is that the show can survive without Mulder but it would struggle without Scully. Should it have both? Fuck yeah. But it’s already happened and it doesn’t so I don’t see why we can’t love the content provided. I know it had to have been hard when that was the end, but it isn’t anymore so I think hostilities need to change surrounding it. 

Side note: I think my main difference between Season 8 and Season 9 is that, okay Mulder’s gone, but what are the circumstances surrounding his absence and how is Scully dealing? I can watch with less of a heavy heart when I know Mulder’s fine (which technically I always do, but I digress). For most of eight all I could fear was “is Mulder dead/going to die” and that was on Scully’s mind too which lead to some great acting (read: GREAT FUCKING ACTING) but it also gave a lot of the episodes a negative air to them (in my opinion) whereas nine felt just ever so slightly more light hearted (ofc not counting post-William) because she knew he was fine, she just missed him. Do I love angst? Fuck yeah, but god, half of season eight was the Scully season of Depression and I was fuckin depressed about it too :(

Season Nine has some baller episodes tbh.

Are they all good? No, but almost every season with few exceptions have some stinker episodes. I hate it when people act like all nine was trash.

I think season nine was so poignant bc they knew (at the time) it was the end, so it was lovely to me to see their meta commentary throughout (re: the episode Sunshine Days) So many episodes were interesting to me and fun. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE BURT REYNOLDS EPISODE, OR AT LEAST THE GARAGE SCENE, IDK HOW TO RELATE.

I’m about to get very tangental because I have a lot of thoughts, but also I LOVE MONICA AND DOGGETT. I love we got to see more of Monica in nine and I think they all worked great together. Of course, I also don’t enjoy Scully was a side character, but GA has made it known she had a longer contract than David had or whatever, so who’s to say she asked for a smaller role? I don’t mind bc I genuinely find Monica and Doggett compelling. Maybe this is all me diverting from hardcore shipper mode to objectvely looking at the show, bc as a shipper yeah 8 and 9 are harder bc of the separation, but content wise as the show the X Files wants to be, I think it’s doing great.

It’s been said before, but Frank Spotniz said it himself at X-Fest, it was cancelled because of 9/11, not because people hated the new characters. In fact, he said ratings were starting to go up in season nine. But I digress. I just don’t like it when people make it out that Monica Reyes and John Doggett or xyz ruined the show. It simply was no longer what the culture needed at the time.

I’m spending too much time on this rant no one is going to read, so I’m going to cap it here. 

TL;DR - I AM IN A FANCLUB OF ONE AND REALLY LIKE SEASON NINE AND I WISH PEOPLE WERE NICER TO IT. YES, WE ALL MISS MULDER, BUT THEY ALL WORKED HARD AND WHY BASH THE CONTENT WE WERE GIVEN? 

[skaylanphear]

how do you stay engaged with ML considering how shallow/one-dimmensional the characters are? like i've sort of come to accept that ML is never going to be a deep show and that's fine but i think it makes engaging with fandom frustrating bc i feel like there's not enough to latch onto. just wanted to know what your thoughts were on this.

I mean… that’s kind of the whole reason it’s so easy for me to stick around? I’m more put off by the fandom attitude than the show itself. From a critical standpoint, yeah, ML is pretty static, the characters are slow to develop despite being enjoyable to watch, and the plot moves at a snail’s pace. So for someone wholly invested in canon, I can see why it might get frustrating given the modern expectations of cartoons as of late. 

But, well, for me, it’s the exact opposite. I mean, I don’t mind when new elements are introduced into the canon, but generally, the fact that the show retains a status quo while still providing new episodes means that everything I’ve written and am still writing remains generally relevant, while the show retains the audience that then comes to view my work because new canon content means people stick around in the fandom. 

Like, as a critic, my views may be different, but as a creator, the way the show is being released works out pretty well. 

Besides, I never enjoyed ML because I was hoping for something more than what it promised to be. And while some people might not like ML’s structure, it’s sticking pretty well to the format it promised from the beginning. It’s an episodic, slice of life superhero drama. Like… that’s why I watch it, so even though it’s silly and moves slowly, I enjoy it. I watch ML because I think it’s cute and because I enjoy the character interactions. I was never expecting some kind of epic, adventure plot with deep characters and sweeping arcs. That’s like going into a slow-burn, coffee shop AU fic and then getting mad when it doesn’t deliver the epic fantasy arc it never promised to deliver. 

Maybe ML will develop into something more epic, but as it is, I’m content with what they’re putting out. Development does happen, albeit slowly, and I’m down for that. I enjoy each episode of ML for what it is, not because I’ve been swayed into believing that the serialized, fast-paced, epic cartoons such as Voltron or She-ra or whatever are superior. Watching ML reminds me of my days as a kid when I’d watch a new episode a week or every other day. Each episode of a cartoon was self-contained and for seasons you might play back and forth with one single idea. 

ML is released in this fashion all over the world, which is why it takes on this structure that binge-watching Netflix addicts consider bad. It’s like watching Sailor Moon and getting angry when half the season is silly monster of the day stuff, or being frustrated that each episode of Digimon is dedicated to one single character maybe overcoming a fraction of the emotional hurdles they’re set out to deal with for the next fifty episodes (with a cast of, like, eight characters, this takes a LONG TIME). Yeah, ML does have a slower pace–somewhat slower that some of my examples even–but I don’t find it to be unpleasant. I can watch a single episode when it’s released and be happy with it, because I’m not binge-watching it to the end. 

There’s a reason I don’t watch all of ML on Netflix even though it’s available. The show isn’t designed to be binge-watched. It isn’t designed to be the epic drama that everyone seems to want it to be. It isn’t designed to be viewed in the same attitude as things like Voltron. This is purposeful. 

Yes, I do think that if they’d changed the structure a bit, ML could have been a successful hybrid of both types of designs–like Avatar–and it would have been amazing. But I don’t necessarily begrudge the structure that the creators chose instead. 

ML isn’t an epic. It’s a show you watch on Saturday morning, laugh about, and then move on with your day, reflecting on the fun things that happened for a little while, before they fade enough that what little development happens in the next episode is still enjoyable. 

Maybe it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but the formula they’re using isn’t new or even frowned upon by the industry, despite what “tumblr” would lead you to believe. It’s structured like My Little Pony–you have slice of life, where you see tidbits of character development, and then something big happens at the finale before you go back to slice of life. 

It is a well-used formula and is enjoyed by a lot of people. And if you want something deeper, or more epic, you go to fandom creators, or in my case, create it yourself. Just because I wrote a fic that took ML and made it into an epic doesn’t mean I want that to happen in the canon. 

I enjoy the canon the way it is. It’s simple, it’s fun, I don’t have to think too much about it. The designs are refreshing and fun to look at. The character interactions are generally stellar. Yeah, it has it’s faults and weak moments (like Frozer), but I don’t consider that to be any huge deal. 

You may view it as shallow or one-dimensional, but I just consider it unfinished. And I think the characters have more depth than we give them credit for. It’s just that the structure makes it more difficult to pinpoint. Unlike in serialized shows, we don’t get these glaring moments of realization when a character learns something or progresses. We get small moments. Moments that I hope, in the end, will show all the development we didn’t see happening along the way. 

But in a show that is structured like ML, it’s hard to see that end until it’s there. And until we get to that point (or we don’t, if the show does turn out to be a total bust), I’m content to enjoy it for what it is. 

I enjoy the show, and I create the things I want to explore. Not because I wish the show would explore them (most of the time I hope the show doesn’t), but because its slow pace gives me the time to expand my own ideas. Which is almost all the fun in the first place, at least for me. 

[megbox]

2019 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

It’s actually kind of interesting how... less interesting these year-in-reviews get as I get older. Depending on how you look at it, 2019 was somewhat of an unremarkable year. I spent much of it tragically broke, I didn’t get the opportunity to do much traveling. But at the same time, not having these flashy, colourful experiences to write about all the time makes me value the easy, simple things more. It forces me to be a bit more reflective about how the day-to-day life I am carving out for myself teaches me things and about the person I am becoming. 

Far and away, the most positive thing to come out of 2019 has been that I am real deals social worker now. I have the best job in the entire world. I have “RSW” in my email signature and on my business cards. I do work that is meaningful to me every single day. There is so much to learn but I’m in the right place to be learning it. And I am really proud of myself for getting here ❤️

January 

Unlike the last few years, 2019 began on a high note. The millisecond that student loan hit my direct deposit, I took a little trip to Jasper to visit my friend Oliver who was teaching snowboarding at Marmot Basin for the season. I braved some very treacherous roads to make it to Jasper. It took me nearly eight hours. Highway 93 was closed so I had to take the long route and basically white-knuckled it the whole way. But it was so worth it. I found myself later that evening in a dorm room full of young Scandinavian people, downing American Vintage iced teas and feeling like I was at a frat party. We went to this club called Four Peaks and they played Rasputin by Boney M and everyone went crazy. I hooked up with this gorgeous Danish ski instructor named Rasmus. He was so beautiful. I am proud of that one, honestly. Oliver and I went skiing and hiking and we went to Earl’s and he tried a Caeser. By the end of the weekend, I think we maybe ran out of things to talk about. But it was really cool to see him and to hear about the last few years of his life and how excited he was to move to New Zealand to be with his girlfriend (whom he met on the same trip where he and I met, in Hawaii!)

On January 14, I started my second practicum. It was a sad transition. My time at CommunityWise had been so great that anything new was going to pale in comparison but my new placement was especially bad. It was so slow there. My computer hadn’t been updated in years and I didn’t have access to anything for weeks. My supervisor was barely around (not her fault, though. She was finishing her MSW, had two young children, was the team lead for both family centres in the city and had two practicum students to supervise. Girl was busy). I remember one morning while I was helping one of the caseworkers with some menial task like organizing the food pantry, and I was just so frustrated, I kind of asked her point-blank, “Is this practicum meant to be more self-directed?” and I just started crying as I asked it. I kind of… whimpered it. It was awkward but from that point on, they made way more of an effort to give me tasks and engage me in the work that was being done there. Lesson learned: you get what you ask for.

February  The first weekend of February is what we would call a “power weekend.” Looking back on these actions now, I cringe. However, at the time, I was pretty stoked. I slept with a friend from podcast club after a house party. For ease, I will refer to him as W. W had asked me out twice prior to this happening. I actually said yes, and we had plans to get drinks, but his best friend ended up going through a breakup the night before and he cancelled last minute. So then we slept together. Drunkenly. And it wasn’t… good. I chalked it up to the drunkenness. We went out on a real date, I made sure to have like one glass of wine maximum. He was lovely and great company and he taught me how to play crib but… you know that feeling when you’re like god, I wish I was enjoying this but I am just not enjoying this. It was like that all night. And it felt heavy. If I am being completely honest, there was also this strange moment that night where I had the thought, “he kind of looks like my grandfather if he were younger” and there is truly no recovering from that kind of realization.

February was also a terrible month because I had no days off. I will go to my grave angry about being required to work for free in my practicums. I was doing 32+ unpaid hours at this boring practicum and then working evenings and weekends at Famoso whenever I could. And Famoso was dead, so I wasn’t even making good money. This was also where I began to start witnessing things in my practicum that started to fuck with me. At first, I thought I was just having trouble sleeping. But over time in seminar and debriefs with my social work friends who were going through the same thing I realized that it was the oh-so-pleasant combination of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue. 

Over the reading week, I went to Fernie with Maddy and her friends for a ski/party weekend and that was truly awesome. One of those weekends where your ribs ache for days once you’re back because you laughed so hard. Some highlights: 

It snowed 60cm the night before we skied. It was powder up to your waist. 

• Maddy’s friend Melissa liked our bartender at the hostel. She took his phone and texted herself from it so he would have her number and vice versa. Then she got so drunk that later the same evening, she was looking at the text and forgot that she had sent it to herself so she texted back, “Who is this?” Also LOL #Bryna. 

• I took nudes of Maddy in the hostel shower to send to the guy she was seeing at the time. LOL. What are friends for? 

• Maddy and I met this set of twins who are the definition of gym bros. Identical twins. We ended up hooking up with them. At the same time. In our bunk bed at the hostel. We high fived. I later fell off the top bunk. We gave them a beer for the road when they left. All year long, we send one another their Instagram posts and stories whenever it’s them flexing in the gym mirror and just laugh about, “we really slept with those guys.” 

March 

In March, I got the flu. It was very annoying. I had to miss practicum (meaning I’d have to make up the hours somehow later). I stated binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

I ended things with W. It was kind of harsh but it needed to be done. I need to stop breaking up with people in the weeks prior to my birthday because we had a total Dave-Simard-2.0 situation where W told me he had purchased a birthday present for me and he still wanted to give it to me.

I also ran the St. Patrick’s Day Road Race again!!! Good times as always. 

Practicum got much better in March. I had many things to do. I got to design the curriculum for and facilitate a six-week girl’s group. I assisted with the planning and running of a series of community tax clinics which was cool. Except the guy from the agency whose project it was is a creep. He kept telling me all of these stories that were incredibly inappropriate given the fact that we knew each other only in a professional sense. He made many comments about women’s bodies and appearances that were gross. And I got left in some pretty unsafe situations all by myself. AND he made me pay out of pocket for snacks for one of the tax clinics and never reimbursed me for that. I kind of forgot about that until just now. Wow. 

April 

April was a big month! 

I went to Portland for my birthday weekend with Matt and Connor. When I think back to this trip, it was lovely, but mostly what I remember is a lot of beer, a lot of rain, and being hungover. Portland is a really cool city. I wasn’t totally expecting to be confronted with as much homelessness and substance use as I was but, that’s my privilege talking. Some highlights from the trip include: 

• The “Flower in the Kettle” IPA I had. 

• The mascarpone, corn and lobster agnolotti I had for my birthday dinner at A Cena. Recommended to me by a trusted friend I worked with at Famoso. So rich. SO FUCKING GOOD. 

• Meeting this really drunk real estate agent at a dive bar and convincing her that Matt and Connor were both my boyfriends. I still have her business card in my wallet. I am unsure why. 

• The Weezer concert was honestly awesome. 

• Matt actually trying out the guyliner. 

• Meeting some random guy when I went to get gum at a corner store. His name was Dan. He was old. His girlfriend had kicked him out and he was just walking around. He’d been in prison for a lot of his life. We had a good chat. I got his phone number and now we have each other on Facebook. 

• In the airport on the way home, Matt and I were so overtired that absolutely everything was hilarious. The gif game (the gif of Kevin from The Office dropping the bucket of chili. “Me in Thailand”), and the beginning of when I got let in to the “KEVIN!!!!” joke. I had tears in my eyes. 

• Connor yelled at me in a pizza restauraunt LOL (sorry Connor. I know you Ctrl+F your name. But this was memorable to me.) 

In the middle of April, I FINISHED MY PRACTICUM HOURS AND EFFECTIVELY GOT MY DEGREE. I cannot describe to you how good it felt to be driving home from one of those tax clinics after my third twelve-hour day (making up practicum hours is fun) knowing I never had to go back. Knowing that soon enough, I’d get to work on all the same cool projects but actually get paid for my time.

We visited Saskatoon for Easter, which would turn out to be the last time I got to see my Baba. She was very ill, and both of us knew that it would likely be the last time, so I did get to say my goodbyes. It was very difficult and I sobbed for a lot of the ride home. It’s a weird feeling, when someone you love has been so ill for so long, and you begin to see their condition really deteriorate. When the idea of life without that person starts to become a reality. There was almost an… acceptance? It sounds so callous to say and it’s way more complex than this but also somewhat of a relief in the finality of it. I don’t know. It was a lot. 

April was also when I started interviewing for social work jobs. I had two interviews. The first one was at CCASA, essentially for what I thought was my dream job. I have never psyched myself out so hard for anything in my life. I thought about that interview and that interview alone for weeks. I studied harder than I have for any test ever. When the time came for the interview, I was so nervous. I became this meek and mild version of myself. It was honestly devastating. But of course, had I gotten that job, I would never have interviewed at the University of Calgary. My boss-to-be called me for a pre-interview while I was on shift at Famoso. It was busy, too. But I just said fuck it and ducked into the back and talked to her on the phone for twenty minutes. She invited me for an interview a week later where I had to give a five-minute presentation on managing stress as a student. Rock on. 

May 

On May 1, I got offered THE JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALGARY! It was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. There is nothing more satisfying and exciting than actually attaining something you’ve been dreaming of for so long. It was for a one year contract on a maternity leave coverage, facilitating community trainings around suicide prevention, helping skills, all that good stuff. I was going to be on salary. I was going to have benefits. I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK TO WORK AND HAVE A REAL CAREER THAT I WOULD BE PROUD OF AND EXCITED ABOUT.

I hung up the phone after accepting the job, texted all the requisite people about the good news, and then immediately drove to Famoso to quit. My boss at Famoso was angry with me because I did not give two weeks notice. I said I would work out the rest of my scheduled shifts. He was a jerk, he yelled at me in frustration saying, “You work here for five fucking years, we accommodate every trip, every vacation, every practicum and you don’t even have the courtesy to give me two weeks notice?!” It wasn’t a big deal though. He was just being an asshole. And hey, Steve, you’re still an asshole!

So my last day serving tables at Famoso Westhills was May 3, 2019. I’m usually not good with goodbyes but it was the easiest thing in the world to just walk out of there at the end of the night knowing I would never be back. I had ten days until I started my actual job at the University (a bit of an oversight on my part because I had ~no money~ so what the fuck was I going to do with ten days).

My grandmother passed away on May 19, 2019. Back to Saskatoon on May 28 for the funeral. It was really fucking sad and really fucking weird to see all of my cousins crying. My grandma also had a big Catholic funeral and none of us are particularly religious and as the direct relatives of the deceased we were at the front of the church and it was really obvious none of us had any idea when to kneel vs. stand and didn’t know any of the words or tunes to the songs.

On a happier note, my brother was accepted into medical school in May. Not that I ever doubted my brother would be a successful person, but this just really solidified it. Dr. MacKay.

June 

June was rather uneventful. I was honestly so cripplingly broke at this point, and it was so long before I actually saw a full salaried paycheck. I had to borrow money from my parents just to like, function. And pay my bills. It was embarrassing. But I was working full time and learning so many cool things about the job that it made it alright.

I walked the stage on the first week of June and accepted my BSW degree. I didn’t want to go but it was actually a pretty awesome and happy occasion.

The other big thing that happened in June is that Maddy moved to Australia. It sucks that I only met Maddy in the summer of 2018. She is so awesome and we became so close so quickly. I genuinely love her so much and spending time with her is so easy and fun, it was really sad when she left knowing that it was highly possible she may never return or at least not for several YEARS.

July 

By July, my new job was in full swing. I was facilitating trainings every other day (so much public speaking experience!), I was sitting on a committee, every day was new and challenging and exciting. 

My dad had a giant party for his 60th birthday, with some friends even coming from Saskatoon. They rented a limousine that took us to the Black Diamond hotel because apparently my parents have some kind of significance there. I did a shot with my grandfather? We played pool and Big Buck hunter? None of my friends came but all of my brother’s friends came and I honestly think that it turned the tables in terms of who my parents’ favourites are in terms of friends. 

I also had an awesome weekend at Folk Festival mostly with Kendal and Lachlan but also featuring guest appearances from Chad and Gillian. Podcast club pals. There is just nothing better than folk festival, honestly. Food trucks and music in the sun and drinking sangria from a flask and admiring everyone’s cool outfits and getting a tan and listening to concerts all day. I had a nap in the middle of the afternoon on Sunday and it was like the most glorious 45 minutes of my entire year. 

August 

Oh, no. August. I was still cripplingly broke (it takes a long time to catch up to a point where your entire paycheck is not just going to paying back things you’ve borrowed) and I made the utterly stupid decision to go to a music festival. 

Big Valley Jamboree, baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best weekend that I am never ever doing again. Some highlights: 

• Mere minutes after arriving, I watched a man vomit. 

• The “Tony Keith” joke really took off. Lucas and I were so #inone on the Friday night we kept yelling and trying to start chants (“old man graphics!” is my personal favourite in response to Toby Keith’s random, pro-military Americana concert graphics).

• I gave my phone to somebody and then wandered off in search of this stupid boy’s campsite. I got very, very lost. The BVJ campground is a large place. I had no idea where I was going and was literally just stumbling through the dark and the mud. I ended up in the middle of some middle-aged Newfoundlanders’ campsite. They welcomed me. They offered me and sandwich and several beers. We chatted for like an hour. It was the best. I walked for SO LONG and finally found my own campsite. But we’re talking literally hours of walking around blind and disoriented. There were a few moments when I genuinely thought I was going to have to wait until the sun came up. 

• A few less-than-classy moments in porta potties. 

• The HANGOVERS. Jesus lord. I couldn’t survive. 

• Airwaves guy was great and I also had a really good buffalo chicken poutine thing that I remember fondly. 

In happier and much more professional news, I facilitated my first Community Helpers training in August. I was very nervous. Like, stay up all night the night before nervous. And we had some technical difficulties with setting up. But my coworker / work BFF Jeannie was there and she was a great support to me. She ran and got me a coffee and a banana bread because I hadn’t eaten and was so so stressed. And she encouraged me through the whole thing. It went really really well. I almost choked up at the end while thanking the participants for coming and explaining how it was my first training and they were such a great group to do it with. 

The squad was all super broke so we turned to free activities. It was very wholesome. We spent many afternoons and evenings reading in Prince’s Island Park with snacks. We went to Shakespeare in the park. We went hiking. 

A lot of my friends moved away in August. Such is life when your friends are all academics or have bright futures that are not confined to the Calgary city limits. Sydney moved to Victoria to start her PhD and we had a nice day at Elbow Falls eating berries and then having dinner with my family. Adam and Kendal both moved to Ottawa to start a fancy new government job and an MSW degree, respectively. I am really really proud of all of my friends but I miss them, too. Calgary is not the same without these people. 

On the flip side – a new roommate moved in! Maddie left to move to Red Deer to be with Joel and so our new roommate was a French exchange student named Aurore. She arrived and was shocked to see that none of the advertised furniture was in her room except for one limp mattress. Karla and I hadn’t even known she was coming because my landlord sucks, but we helped her get her things together and then ordered her some Skip the Dishes. She was exhausted. And sweet. And was starting a block week MBA class the next day in her second language. I felt for her. 

September 

In September, the inklings of me moving into a different role at the university were planted. My boss called me in to her office one afternoon and shut the door. I was terrified but she said to me, “you’re not in trouble. Actually, just the opposite.” She brought up the recent vacancies in the job I now hold (lol: spoilers) and said, “Just think about it. I just want you to know that there would be no hard feelings if you chose to apply for the role.” I was flattered but also caught off guard. I did not think I was qualified for the job. I had virtually no client experience in either of my practicums. I wasn’t even registered with the ACSW at this point. And I loved my old job and my health promotion coworkers so so much. But also… I was on a twelve month contract. And the person away on leave was definitely coming back. I was “strongly encouraged” to get registered with the college. 

It was honestly such a mess. They gently nudged me towards applying for the role, I was torn. Then they told me it probably wouldn’t work because I wasn’t yet registered with the ACSW, and even if I did register would still only be provisional. I felt an odd sense of relief at that, and had totally psyched myself out of being able to do the job at that point. At the last minute, I was told “just submit an application to keep our options open.” I did so. I got an interview. I interviewed (and it was SO fucking stressful…. Interviewing with people you already work with is 10x worse than interviewing with strangers. I tell ya.). And… I got the job!!! Not only did I get the job, I got a full-time, permanent contract (there were two positions, one full-time and one on a longer contract. I was told from the beginning I would just be applying for the longer contract but I ended up getting the FULL TIME ONE.) It was a HUGE boost to my confidence and again, one of the happiest days of the year.  

September was also just absolutely insane for work. So many orientation presentations, students reaching out wanting to get involved, starting all of the volunteer programs, planning. I was so, so, so SO FREAKING TIRED. But we did lots of fun things. Like we took Aurore and her friend Cecile to Banff, had them try Caesers and Beaver Tails and all kinds of Canadian things. 

October 

On my last day in my old role, my coworkers decorated my desk with a homemade banner and got me desserts. We went to McDonald’s for a feast and sat in the Hub and made jokes. It felt really special and I was really touched. 

On October 7, I started my new-but-also-kind-of-the-same job. I was very nervous and there was a lot to learn right from the get go. And it was so… strange. I HAD MY OWN OFFICE. WITH MY NAME ON THE DOOR AND EVERYTHING. The imposter syndrome hit me like a tsunami. I was extremely stressed, extremely overwhelmed. But my teammates and my boss are great. They understand I’m new not just to the role but to the field. They were (and are) so kind and patient with me and answer all of my questions. 

For Thanksgiving, we went to Banff. We had beers and did a little bowling at High Rollers and then went to the Rimrock for dinner. It was very nice. A few weeks later, I hosted my own friendsgiving dinner and roasted a turkey! And spent all day decorating my parents’ house and the table to look fancy. Everything turned out really really well. I was super stoked. Note to self: throw more dinner parties. 

November: 

What I recall from November is just… stress. The case management / social worker life came at me real hard, real fast. I had to call CFS for the first time. My client did not want me to. It was hard. I did not cope well. My coping strategy was to fuck off to Lake Louise (?) for a weekend in a hostel and drink two bottles of wine with some random sorority girls from Chicago. And tears.

The cooking phase was in full swing at this point. Eggs benedict, soft pretzels, curry, French onion soup, gnocchi, prosciutto apple blue cheese chicken, apple and chai galettes.

The third week of November was also when I decided to start training for the half marathon. I found a plan online and set out to follow it and honestly, it’s been great. I usually don’t stick to exercise routines for longer than a month because I tend to go too hard, too fast and I overdo it and I let one hungover day derail me. But this plan wasn’t focused on distance but rather time spent running. So rather than, “I have to run 5km” today it’s, “I have to run for 45 minutes today.” I thought I’d hate that but I actually really like it. It encourages me to go a little slower and just run out the clock, at whatever pace. And the speed is building gradually, and naturally.

December: 

Aaaand December!

December has been so much marathon training. Today, I am entering my seventh week of consistent running and exercise. That is a badass accomplishment for me. I am very pleased. I even managed to do my runs in Saskatoon on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Aurore left back to Paris. She had a birthday party at the house with all of her international friends and we went for sushi and looked at Christmas lights in the rich people neighborhoods before she returned home. She ended up being so wonderful. I will miss her.

I went to Radium for a weekend with Kennedy, Matt, Amanda, and their friend Katie. The takeaways from this experience are: I am excited to get to spend more time with Kennedy and Amanda and to become better friends with them, I think I like smoking weed now, and skiing is the best.

2020: 

To be completely honest, my life is pretty good. I sometimes wish I had somebody to share it with, and that’s something I hope to be a little better about in 2020 is putting myself out there in more of a meaningful way. 

I also am super excited to continue down this path with my career and to develop personally and professionally as a social worker. There is truly so much to learn and I’m really motivated and excited right now to do well at this which is an awesome feeling. I do need to work on not taking my work home with me so much, about separating the social work life from the personal life. Setting boundaries and all that good stuff. 

I’m hopefully going to run my first half marathon in 2020. May 31. The countdown is on. Excited to cross that item off the bucket list and experience the rush of crossing the finish line! That endorphin high is going to be insane. 

And I want to keep developing my cooking skills. Though they may be small, they are mighty. I want to try and learn how to make fresh pasta dough. LOL. Simple goals. 

Anyways... thank you 2019 for all you have brought me and taught me. I am grateful for the life I get to the live and the experiences I get to have. And I’m super stoked to see where 2020 takes me. 

<3 

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

Hey! Combine 46: “ Can I kiss you right now? ”57: “ Is that my shirt? ”59: “ You own my heart. ” with your choice of jerejean or jeaneil ♡♡♡♡♡

I had too much fun with this!  It’s unedited and I’m exhausted so forgive any stupid mistakes:

Jeremy slammed his laptop shut and glared at the lid with its stupid smug rainbow Trojan decal.  He was halfway tempted to test its aerodynamics out his upstairs window, but he didn’t want the hassle of buying a new one.  And it wasn’t precisely the computer’s fault that that ridiculous reporter hadn’t been able to keep her mouth shut.  Or that he had watched the interview on repeat half a dozen times, and it didn’t get better with familiarity.

He pulled out his phone and started to tap out a text, but it was coming out all wrong and he slammed the little backspace button aggressively.  Screw this. He’d go take a shower, blast his music as loud as he wanted, and when he finished all of this bullshit would be behind him and he could make dinner in peace.

It sorta/kinda worked, at least until he came back downstairs in his favorite oversized shirt and threadbare sweatpants, hair still wet, humming Wait For It under his breath.  His phone binged at him; he checked it reflexively and saw a text from Kevin Day of all people.  He didn’t even read the damn thing, just let the phone fall; it bounced off the edge of the table, hit the chair on the way down, and landed, face down, on the tile floor.  

Figured.  

He had planned on some broiled fish and veggies with that passably-edible whole grain couscous his nutritionist had hooked him up with, but there was no way in hell he was eating that now.  Luckily there were some onions, a habanero, and a packet of ground beef in the fridge, and his mother had sent him her home-canned tomatoes a few weeks ago.  

If ever he needed to make chili, today was that day.  It didn’t take long before the familiar aroma of sauteing onions was wafting through the whole first floor. There was something so comforting about the routine of chopping and frying, the scents and the sounds.  After a few minutes, his heart rate had slowed enough that he went and snagged his phone off the floor.  By some miracle, the screen hadn’t cracked.  Okay.  One good thing today.

Cranking Hamilton back up, by the time he was stirring in the tomatoes he was bopping along with the music.  He had gotten into it with one of the defensemen on his team over Hamilton, but he defied anyone to really listen to it and not get completely entranced.  Jeremy lacked the willpower not to sing along; he didn’t even give a shit that he absolutely sucked.  “I am not throwing away My. Shot.  I am not throwing away. My. Shot.”  He spun around in the kitchen, holding his wooden spoon like a microphone—only to discover Jean standing, bemused or amused, in the doorway.

Jeremy immediately hid the spoon behind his back, and Jean’s beautiful mouth twitched up.  “Is that my shirt?” Jean asked, surveying Jeremy.

“No,” Jeremy said.  Jean raised one eyebrow.  “It was your shirt, but I have claimed it in the name of missing you.”

Jean laughed and dropped his suitcase to come into the kitchen.  Jeremy tossed the spoon onto the counter and let Jean pull him into his arms.  “I missed you,” Jean murmured into his ear.  

“Me too.  I didn’t think you’d be back until later.” 

“I caught an earlier flight.”

Jeremy wasn’t precisely short, but Jean could still rest his cheek on the top of his head and standing like that was Jeremy’s favorite thing in the world.  He wanted to stay there for the rest of time, or at least until bedtime, but after a not-long-enough moment Jean released him.

“It’s a chili night?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy said, looking over his shoulder at the pot just beginning to bubble.

“What happened?”

Ugh, Jean knew him too well.  Jeremy went over to stir the chili and turn the heat down on the stove; he felt like he was being eaten alive from the inside out, all interest in food devoured by the parasite of anxiety.  “You saw the interview?”  It was almost impossible to meet Jean’s eyes; it would have been unforgivable not to.

“I did, mon cher.  You did brilliantly.”  There was no lie in his beautiful gray eyes, but Jeremy literally did not know how he could say such a thing.  He almost wondered if Jean had missed the all-important last two minutes.

“I outed us.”

Jean nodded.  “Yes, I noticed.”  There was no humor in his voice, no dismissal, no censure.  “But given the disgusting things they were asking about Laila and Sara, I don’t blame you.  I probably would have been far less…diplomatic.”

The gnawing creature in Jeremy’s gut quieted.  It had been appalling, the way the woman had tried to goad him into trashing his former teammates.  And her jaw-dropped shock had been rather amusing when, instead, he had calmly informed her that no, he did not believe that they were setting a poor example for young girls, and that if they were then so were he and Jean, and honestly half of professional exy.

“Can I kiss you right now?” he blurted out.

Now Jean did laugh.  “I didn’t think you needed to ask.”  He closed the gap between them.  

He would never get tired of this feeling.  It had been years since Jean had showed up in California, a battered shell of a person, his soul retreated into the deepest crevices in an attempt to survive.  Every moment since then had been a small miracle, but kissing Jean—the fact that somehow he had managed to earn Jean’s trust and love—well, that was the eighth wonder of the world.    

Somehow he managed not to burn the chili, and they spent the rest of the night talking.  About Jean’s trip to New York; about the movie they had been wanting to see; about the end of the season and their plans for the few weeks before their national teams called them up.  Jeremy still couldn’t believe that if all went well they’d be playing against each other in the Exy World Cup tournament, but so it was.  And then they spent time not talking much at all.

Later, so long past midnight Jeremy couldn’t even believe the clock, he lay curled onto Jean’s chest, listening to the slow thud of his heart and letting the tension of the past twenty four hours dissipate into nothingness.  None of that bullshit mattered anyway, not when he had this.

Just before he fell asleep, Jean murmured something in sleepy French.  Jeremy wasn’t so good at French, and it took him a few moments to piece this together.  When he did, tears started in his eyes.  You own my heart.  

Jeremy tucked himself in impossibly tighter to Jean’s side, thinking of the ring he had bought while Jean was in New York, that would be ready to be picked up tomorrow.  “You own my soul,” he whispered, then let himself drift off into dreams.