#full on taking a bat to the wasp nest here

[aesethewitch]

And you know what, I'd be so bold as to say that a lot of witches need to learn how to advertise ethically and effectively! Even folks whose services are 100% legit and genuine can be (or come off as) extremely shady. It's a problem! You don't have to be an expert or anything, but understanding what makes a good product listing and how to ethically advertise your goods and services is absolutely critical.

Having done marketing and advertising work for a Major Company with Many Advertising Regulations, these are the extremely basic hallmarks I look for in a good advertisement or product/service listing:

Language is clear and concise, focusing on the specific product or service in question *

Language is engaging but not inflammatory **

No typos, misspellings, or grammatical mistakes

All products and services are clearly described, and the consumer knows exactly what they would receive if they were to purchase from you

If applicable or possible, at least one quality photo of the product is provided (more than one from multiple angles is preferred, but one very good photo is sometimes enough)

Provided images appear legitimate (not AI, not stolen from the internet, etc.) and product descriptions appear to have been written by a real person ***

Prices are clearly stated and appear fair when compared to other sellers offering similar products and services, or which are otherwise explained (for example, if prices are unusually high, it may be because the seller only has limited stock or is providing a unique, high-effort service; this should be clearly stated in the listing in a simple, matter-of-fact tone)

The method of delivery is clearly described, including delivery timelines and whether tracking will be provided

If not provided elsewhere, or if it's a long list of available products/services, contact information and instructions are provided somewhere obvious and easy to access for questions and concerns

Disclaimers are clearly marked, and the consumer's rights are clearly explained (for example, if it's a commission for a custom spell, could the consumer publish the spell instructions on their blog, or is it for private use only?)

The refund policy is clearly described either in the listing itself, in the sales terms, or elsewhere on the page (so long as it's easily found)

It isn't explicitly about listings, but one other big thing I look for is whether the seller has a presence other than their shop or marketing space(s). This could be social media, a physical location, or a personal website. Basically, I want to see that they're obviously a real person doing real work in the field they're selling in, not just a grifter cashing in on what's popular.

I wouldn't buy cakes from someone who isn't obviously making cakes. Why the hell would I buy a tarot reading from someone who, as far as I can tell, has never done a tarot reading except in closed DMs when paid to do so?

* If you're advertising a specific product or service, the post, listing, or whatever else should be focused ENTIRELY on that specific product or service. Avoid extolling your virtues in excess.

What I mean is, your listing should not be 65% sucking your own dick about how long you've been doing the thing you're doing and how great you are. It should be about the product or service, not you. The place for that (and it does have a place, imo) is in a masterpost of services, a pinned post about yourself on your blog, and/or in the "about" section on your website/sales page.

** I mean inflammatory in the way of pushing the reader into a heightened state of emotion. These listings are purposefully manipulative, intending to take advantage of particular types of people. It's not an uncommon tactic, but it is a pretty scummy one, especially in spiritual circles, which attract non-experts who are desperate for relief, comfort, and results. Consider this example:

A listing for a tarot reading about future love saying, "Discover the future of your love life!" would be generally fine. A listing saying "Your love life DEFINED!! Once in a lifetime LOVE!!! SOULMATE CONNECTION? Is HE the ONE? Don't be fooled by NARCISSIST SOCIOPATHS!!" is inflammatory, intent on targeting a specific type of person who is likely to fall for the urgency and the particular language used here. You see the difference, no?

*** There are always cases of folks who aren't so good at words or taking pictures or who aren't using their first language and so forth, and it's important to take that into consideration. But for the most part, even those cases stand out from the bullshit artists, whose only goal is to take your money and run.

[angel-maybe-alive]

My problem with Hades and Persephone retelling

(aka this will not end well for me)

So sometime ago I made a post about things I hate in "modern literature" basically me ranting about booktok shit, and I mentioned my pure hatred for the "hades/Persephone retellings" genre and I tried to explain it in the reblogs but I didn't phrased myself very well there so I want to do it again?

So here I go swinging another baseball bat to the wasps nest.

The Homeric hymn of demeter is this very known tale of why we have the seasons, the plot basically goes as: Hades god of the underworld kidnaps Persephone goddess of flowers, demeter her mother goddess of crops gets desperate don't do her job while trying to find her the world suffers yada yada something something in the end Persephone has to spent half of the year with her mother (spring and summer) and the other half with her husband in the underworld (autumn/winter)

Right

Now let's go to the " doesn't matter my opinion people will be mad at me "part

The full myth as is presented in the Homeric hymn of demeter has Persephone pretty clearly being kidnapped and held against her will

The myth was very clear about Persephone's not willingness to the marriage as she 1- screamed for help 2- was described as miserable when visited by Hermes 3- asked for her mother 4-lightened up once hearing about her 5- is described as being tricked by hades to eat the pomegranates who kept her tied to the underworld

In the context of when the myth was created the reasoning was pretty clear to be about the horrifying yet inevitability of wedding, and the separation between mother and daughter.

Arranged or forced marriages are a fictional thing to a lot of people nowadays, it's a thing of time pieces or something from religions that you don't understand and find oppressive but it was (and still is in some places ) a reality

The arranged marriage has its perks in some context as it takes away the burden of having to choose your partner and if your culture is build on this you would not see this as a oppressive practice just how things are the sky is blue and someday your father will choose your husband.But there's also the fear, your future husband could be half decent person there was a chance or an horrible monster very possible sometimes you truly couldn't know.

Kinda like death itself there was This uncertainty, the fear yet anxiety and maybe longing of it without knowing what would come next.

So in context this tale probably resonated a lot with girls and women at the time as a reminder that after the marriage they can still see their mothers time to time, it wasn't death itself just separation, even if their wedding was bleak as a dark winter, spring will come.

And I love this tale really

Then we have the new context, like I said the fear and longing of arranged marriage is not a reality to many people in modern western secular world, But suffocating mothers are.

There is discussion on whether or not Persephone went on her own will but it is a pointless discussion the result is still the same she has half of the year up here half down there.

But the retellings do a weird thing, some of them reframe it to make demeter the villain.

Demeter goes from grieving mother to an angry wench who it's just terrified of an empty nest and suffocates Persephone she is mother goethel locking Rapunzel in a tower,She is the opressor.

And hades is the stand in badboy he is rhysand, darkling, Damon Salvatore and draco Malfoy In leather pants and all the other guys in black clothes but not in a cringe emo edgylord way in a dangerous way with a jawline to cut diamonds and abs for days, rich and powerful a dominating alpha ready to sweep the damsel ad bring her to freedom.

Do you ever heard that anarbor song 18, if not listen it's exactly the hades guy on those retellings

And the thing is I have no true problem with this concept it's not my cup of tea(I prefer the golden retriever rather than the black cat) and I do think the amount of coercion and straight up sexual assault on those are quite not good, but it might be someone's else's cup.

The problem is calling this a feminist retelling as by making Persephone a willing bride it empowers her.

It truly doesn't.

The original was already empowering a grieving mother doing anything on her power to save her lost daughter is fucking punk.

Yet the rebellious vein of the modern author the desire to be that girl the one who had the guts to actually runaway from home after fighting with your mom for not letting you paint your hair, mixed with the desire to be coddled by a dark prince charming, aman who will desire you so much he won't be able to control himself, a beautiful rich man who will worship you, have amazing sex with you, will be enough of a feminist to respect your choices yet enough of a patriarchal alpha male to spoil rotten with all things money can buy, provide for you as you are his queen, this desire takes one of the most simple yet understandable tale of true feminine power and bastardize it to another opposite Attraction tale.

And this is why I hate hades and Persephone retellings.

[animazi]

whoa look at me talking about the acolyte wow... I dislike commenting on currently airing shows largely because there is so much that is still a mystery ooh what could happen next, and this is very true for the murder mystery only the victims aren't who you think show.

this is an upsettingly long post ostensibly about how I think there will be a mae pov flashback, and really about how I think osha's flashback that we have now is not the full story, which is fairly obvious, but I've put way to much thought into getting together what passes for textual evidence for it. read at own peril contains much yapping about e3.

anyway. episode three. time to comment on the currently airing show. beautiful stunning cinematography - different director Kogonada, and yeah. wow. very pretty. a lot more obvious Symbolism shots, which I am a sucker for icl, and in general some very beautiful stuff this is, and I will go to bat for this theory (please please please be right c'mon leslye do this for me) half of the flashbacks, and it is all from osha's point of view. right ok. so. entertain me here. some people on twt have noted how there are some shots in flashback scenes in the trailer that we haven't seen yet, and this + torbin's scar and the one word title (all other episodes have been two words, with each clearly corresponding to mae or osha) + the fact that this episode is so visually distinct and Kogonada is directing e7 too + what I am about to talk about wrt mae and osha all leads me to think 'yeah, this is half of the flashback', and the other half is probably going to be the bit people get antsy about yay.

now! the mae and osha stuff - I think that Destiny (that's the name of this episode btw. I have so many thoughts about the jedi and agency as ever. that is a separate yap though) is going to be the less controversial of the two largely because, bear with me just lining up this wasps nest in my aim, it is 'pro-jedi' so to speak. the jedi are good, not bad. osha restates time and time again her desire to not be a witch, to explore the world, and the jedi are her way of doing this. sol is kind and saves her, and the jedi are nice, if strict. they stop her from having to do the ascension, a ceremony she really didn't want to do, and they saved her. now. for the disclaimer. I don't think the jedi are evil and bad, I think they are flawed as an institution, and that is the angle I am fairly certain the acolyte is going for - they care more about the legality of the situation rather than the 'moral good' of the situation they are in aka mae really does not want to leave, even if osha does - it would surely cause far more harm to take them both as the jedi pretty clearly intend to do. that in mind. I also think everyone is sleeping on how incredibly fun and biased these two (more on this later) flashback episodes will be. hands up if you've seen the last duel, anyone, anyone? well the last duel is a film about uh. the violent sexual assault of a woman in medieval france. and it is framed through three different accounts of the events as told by our three leads: jean (the husband), jacques (the rapist), and marguerite (the victim). marguerite's account is presented by the film as the actually accurate one, it is The Truth, but it is also the last version we see, so for the first two thirds of the film we have watched two clashing narratives, with no clear indication of who is right. the story of the acolyte is one inspired by leslye headland's relationship with her sister (linky link) a relationship where both sisters believe fully that they are in the right - if osha's account is 100% the truth, this really doesn't seem to track and the show looses most of its emotional depth, and while yes, sure, external material doesn't mean that the show will unfold this way, I am willing to bet (please please please please please) that it will. now. onto the actual content of this episode that I think supports my theory - aka osha's (clear) bias.

I am going to start with what I think is the strongest point, and work from there. so. basics. please remember that osha has spent the last 14 years of her life knowing that mae set the fire that killed her parents, the same fire that traumatised osha to the point that she was unable to continue her jedi training and had to take an illegal and dangerous mechanic job, and yet she still clearly loves her sister - I would guess from this information presented in e1&2 that mae and osha had a close bond before, and yet the flashback shows almost the opposite. osha chafes at mae's constant proximity, at the 'born as two but always one' line, they are near constantly fighting, mae seems like an out and out psychopath, freezing a space hummingbird and deliberately setting the fire in an attempt to kill osha (in funny news. the fortress had so many osha violations no wonder she wanted to leave hahaha I am a comedic genius). why does osha miss the shot then, in light of this? well, the thesis of this theory post is that osha is not remembering in full 4k HD honesty - again, she has spent most of her life certain that mae essentially killed her parents and indirectly ruined her dreams of being a jedi, and this lack of clarity about the truth comes through in how she acts towards mae. now. my evidence for this? largely vibes based, and could just be poor writing, but what is star wars (prequels edition esp) if not reading heavily into interesting writing :D largely here my hmmm moments all stemmed from how conflictingly Destiny (the episode) presents mae. she is at once a known freezer of space hummingbirds (but osha doing the exact same just for less time is fine?) and setter of fires while vowing to kill osha to prevent her from leaving, and also osha's clearly loved sister - yes they fight, but again, osha misses the shot that would have brought mae into jedi custody (custody that she fairly explicitly trusts). now, my hypothesis here is that osha looking back on these events as coloured by her knowledge of what mae will do unconsciously is framing mae as more in the wrong, inherently bad etc to make sense of mae's actions. now, additionally supporting evidence I will present to the review group is how vehemently osha (who is saved by and goes on to become a padawan to a jedi) supports the jedi, in a way that seems to have been, to me at least, argued before with mae. the girl has been drawing the jedi logo in her notebook, her love of the jedi is pretty apparent in this episode. and yet the witches pretty clearly fear the jedi and what they bring with them. they disagree with the jedi perception of the force - and this disagreement is not framed as wrong by the narrative thus far, the republic and jedi quite literally have banned them from ensuring the longevity of their coven - so why is osha so firmly convinced that the jedi are good? :warning: violent and unconfirmed theory :warning: through the lens of osha being biased as someone who was saved by the jedi, and clearly wanted more than life in the fortress, osha reframes her 'siding' with the jedi in childhood as a more 'moral' stance; the jedi and good, and mae, who burnt down her life, is bad; a conflict between (understandably) overprotective parents + a clingy sister and osha who wants to be her own person with her own identity (oh look a Theme) gets morphed into a conflict between the jedi (an identity osha later takes on, and still clearly largely adheres too, insert textpost about how despite leaving osha is still bound by core jedi principles e.g. compassion) and the witches (an identity osha never feels connected to and actively tries to leave behind).

I will also say I think you can see all of this in the title of the episode, Destiny. why is this the title? certainly its a break from e1&2 'lost/found' and 'revenge/justice', where they are descriptors of what osha and mae are (either literally as in being found or enacting). destiny does not fit this mould, and I think is a rather interesting framing of all this. it is osha's destiny to become a jedi, but for that to happen, mae seemingly must get cast as the villain, without any room for doubt or her side of the story. also, there is the fact that agency is such a big part of this episode (aww its my reoccurring favourite star wars theme). osha's lack of individuality/separation from mae, the way she feels unable to refuse the ceremony she clearly doesn't want to. the jedi (really just sol. I have so many thoughts about sol) offer osha the choice that she wants, and yet the 'sanctity' of that choice is taken away from her in the violent death of the coven and the burning down of the fortress. sol says if you wish you will train as my padawan, but she can never return to the ruins of the fortress, she must go to coruscant. logically and emotionally yes I understand this, but the show has made a point about how the jedi order does not really give you transferable skills - is the same not true in the other direction? osha has no family now, functionally nowhere to go that isn't the jedi order. the question is will you be my padawan, not will you be a padawan. destiny (or at least the actions of others) has made it so that the agency she just received has been dashed on the rocks. and to refocus on the actual topic of this post, that theft of autonomy was pretty directly down to mae, and so how else to process that other than casting mae as a villain.

now, in the show about troubled sororal relations (I restate my earlier link) there naturally has to be another side to the uh. sororal relations than just osha's. also I bet its going to be called 'choice' or some shit to mirror Destiny and the other episode titles and highlight the differences in worldviews of osha and mae, jedi and witch

this is all, of course, to go without even saying the unclear reasons for why mae set the fire. was she just evil and possessive, or (as the server posited) being controlled or mind tricked or startled or even was there some palpatine level manipulation going on by the master. questions that a mae specific flashback would answer.

anyway. good show I like it when the star wars makes me think about stuff even when it is 2am and I should be sleeping. watch literally none of this be true

[knockemdeadpestcontrol]

Battles with ant control little elm tx

As a homeowner in Little Elm, dealing with unwelcome pests like ants, roaches, mice, and more is an inevitable part of life managed by ant control little elm tx. While a spider here and there may go unnoticed, full-blown pest infestations can disrupt your daily routine and damage your property. Taking proactive steps to prevent and control pests is key to protecting your home. This guide will provide Little Elm residents with tips for tackling common household invaders and knowing when to call in the pros.

Ants in Little Elm: Tiny Tormentors

Of all the unpleasant pests, ants are the most stubborn interlopers in Little Elm households. From tiny thief ants to aggressive carpenter ants that can damage wood structures, ant infestations range from a nuisance to a legitimate threat. Signs like little black specks, crawling trails of ants, and ants gathering near food or water sources indicate it's time to take action.

Getting rid of ants starts with identifying the type of ants and tracing the path back to their nest. Small ant trails can be treated by spraying insecticides along their access points to block entry. Bait traps and gels also provide targeted elimination. For major carpenter ant infestations inside walls or wood fixtures, professional ant control services may be needed to eradicate these pests fully.

Commercial Pest Control: Safeguarding Little Elm Businesses

Beyond homes, restaurants, offices, warehouses, and other Little Elm businesses also require diligent pest management. Pest infestations in commercial spaces create unsafe and unsanitary conditions for employees and customers while damaging company inventory and equipment. Rodents like rats and mice are particularly hazardous, as they spread diseases and contaminate food supplies through their urine and droppings.

Rather than attempting dangerous DIY pest control, Little Elm business owners should partner with professional commercial pest control little elm tx. Licensed technicians have the experience, methods, and solutions to effectively identify and eliminate pest threats specific to the commercial property, whether targeting roaches, stored product pests, bats, birds, or other invaders.

They will conduct thorough on-site inspections, implement integrated pest management plans, and provide preventative treatments and rapid response services. With routine monitoring and targeted applications of EPA-registered chemicals, commercial pest control services keep facilities pest-free year-round.

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For full home protection beyond handling the occasional ant trail, Little Elm homeowners can also turn to professional pest control companies focused on residential properties. Home pest control services little elm tx combine advanced equipment, environmentally friendly treatments, and expertise to manage a spectrum of household pests for cleaner, more comfortable living environments.

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Stinging pests like wasps and hornets

After a thorough inspection inside and outside the home, the pest control expert will customize a plan to either eliminate existing pest issues or ongoing preventative maintenance for pest deterrence. This can involve sealing cracks and entry points, removing nests and food sources, setting out traps and bait stations, applying pesticide sprays or dusts, and more. 

They'll also provide instructions for steps homeowners can take between services, such as cleaning up crumbs and clutter, moving woodpiles away from structures, fixing leaky pipes, and managing irrigation.

With seasonal treatments timed to target everything from spring-swarming ants to winter rodents seeking shelter, homeowners can protect their biggest investment against destruction and deterioration from pests year after year.

Defending Your Castle: Finding the Right Little Elm Pest Control

While DIY ant traps from the hardware store or spraying bug killer yourself may seem like an easy fix, this is rarely enough to resolve a full-blown home pest infestation in Little Elm. Turning to professional pest control experts for both household and commercial pest problems ensures the issue is resolved safely, effectively, and affordably.

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[dballzposting]

Yamucha is so Milfy here.

He rides up in his Little Red Corvette that Bulma had given him “a great deal on” which of course means that it was just sitting in her garage and she was trying to move inventory. 

I feel like Yamucha has a Very Sweet little Wooden Cabin somewhere. Near the woods probably. And he could afford something big and grandiose I’m sure but he just doesnt .. live like that. Look at his outfit. His style. The way he’s hanging with Muten Roshi. This is a guy who LOSES money, a guy who can feel it slipping through his fingers with every glass he orders,, he’s not a guy to put his money into assets. 

HOWEVER. Do not misunderstand. He has a VERY SWANKY little cabin made of RICH CHERRY WOOD. Maybe he doesnt clean the chimney as much as he should and maybe he only uses the wood stove to heat up frozen pizzas, but it’s a swanky little goddamn place. It’s full of Artifacts and Decorative Statues. Maybe he had a cockroach problem for a while but he got that all fixed up. Maybe he hasn’t added a shack for his car(s) yet and wasps and field mice will nest in the underbellies of his vehicles but that’s okay. Becasue look at his all-yellow outfit. 

Sometimes he tries to bring over beautiful women and sometimes they end up being tricky foxes who beguile him into shaving his beautiful mane and now he has to start over with short hair but it’s okay because when he looks back on his life and counts women, he includes the beautiful fox women.

In his cabin he has a bunch of antique baseball bats hanging around for decoration. In the rustic cabinets he has two of every type of glass, for every type of alcohol.

If you’re over and he’s trying to seduce you sometimes as he talks he’ll take a hold of one of his antique baseball bats, and he’ll caress it thoughtfully as he talks, like he’s reminiscing, but if you’ve got a sharp eye, you’ll realize that he’s just making you watch him slowly rub on this phallic object for a while. This is one of his Techniques you see. His techniques of seduction .. <3 And sometimes it works.

He has one (1) little couch and it’s a RED LOVESEAT. Like, an “oh baby” kind of red. And this is the song that’s playing when you go into his house

And you know.. He’s pretty okay at this point in his life to have not been able to maintain relevance. He doesnt need to be the best or anything like that. He came, he saw, he struggled, he did not really conquer, he loved and lost and had witnessed some real shit. He had a hotboy summer with Tenshinhan. He sends birthday cards in the mail to Bulma’s bastard whelp.  He had thrown Krillin’s bachelor party and it was legendary. He’s a famous baseball player, a sport which he has a love-hate relationship with. I think maybe he was raised by wolves or something but I can’t check becasue wikis crash my computer.

And if there’s one thing about Yamucha that stands out the most, it’s that HE’S ALWAYS READY TO HELP OUT. Sometimes you have to pay him in broship and bourbon if the task is boring but he’ll do it. He’s happy to hang out with you.

He’s older than he used to be and he’s kind of foxy now. And he has major Sadboy potential, but it’s rich, like all facets of his life.

Also I did not mention Pu’ar once in the entire post becasue I forgot about that cat thing. I don’t know what it’s deal it but pretend that I mentioned it. Pu’ar goes to college and so Yamucha is alone a lot of the time but otherwise he and the cat make dinner together and it’s Bachelor Chow (a food from Futurama that resembles kitty kibble) in limited edition bowls that have movie characters on them.

And I know that Yamucha’s got legs for days. Here’s a screenshot of his ass

[dashingdcboys]

Batbrother hcs as per shit my siblings and i did/still do

- Once Jay, Tim and Dami were in the batcave playing a game of “who can throw the batarang the furthest”, because Damian had broken his leg in a fight and was complaining about the lack of training. One of them accidentally hit the ceiling which awakened a whole nest of bats, causing them to fly towards them. Since Dami was on crutches and couldn’t run away, Jay and Tim each took an arm and dragged him up the stairs of the batcave. (in my case, my siblings were throwing rocks at dead trees an accidentally hit a wasp hive . . i was too young to run fast so my older brother and sister dragged me through the fields by my arms while we were chased by a swarm of wasps lmao).

- Back when Tim was robin, and had one of his down days, Dick tried to come up with ways to cheer him up. He settled with grabbing Tim’s arms and spinning him around . . . though his grip loosened and tim accidentally went flying into a bush (i still have the scar on my ankle from when my older brother did this to me when i was four).

- When Jason was still robin, Dick introduced him to the treehouse in the woods to the Manor where he used to hang out, when he wanted some alone time. It was old and rickety but pretty stable for its age.

“I dunno, the floor’s kinda unstable. Might want to get it checked out before I hang out here.”

“It’s fine. I did all the checks myself, bolted all the floorboards tight.”

“Maybe when you were eight, now get your heavy ass out of here before the whole thing collapses”

To prove a point, Dick convinces Jason to jump with him within the treehouse. Surprise surprise, the floor gave way and they both ended up hanging to the branches for dear life (me and my cousins did this because we were young and stupid).

- Robin Jay and Dick were once playing ‘sword fighting’ with wooden sticks out of boredom. Jay hit the stick out of Dick’s hands and it went flying over the fence into the neighbour’s yard. They went sprinting away as an old man started complaining about a twig hitting him on the head from the neighbour’s overlying tree.

- Tim going “ow, I got pins and needles in my leg” / “my leg fell asleep” while limping and Dick or Jason going to roughly pat it until Tim gives up and sits on the floor.

- Similarly, Tim getting suburnt and Dick and Jay repeatedly place their hands on his red back to see the white marks of their palms until they fade away.

- All brothers constantly trying to trip each other at any given moment. Bonus points if they’re holding a glass of liquid, in the middle of a phonecall or just vibin’

“Lucius? Call all board members, I’ve found a mistake in our stock analysis which I want to dis - (thump sound followed by Tim muttering “real mature, assholes!” at his brothers) - cuss.”

- They all greet each other as “Bitch”, “Hoe”, “Jerk” and Dick remains “Dick”, because it’s bad enough he’s called that. And if that’s too much energy, they simply flip each other off while Alfred shakes his head disapprovingly.

- The typical “instinctive flinch every time your older brother raises his hand because you’re 99.9% sure he’s gonna hit you” trope. For every generation except Dami, Dami’ll hit his older brothers before they get the chance.

- Tim would be chilling or working and randomly get a package of those store-bought chocolate croissantsthrown at him by Jay, because his older brother knows he overworks himself sometimes and forgets to eat. That package of croissants is also sometimes a box of twinkies.

- There’s this room locked in the attic which Bruce told them all specifically not to enter because there’s a lot of fragile objects inside that belonged to his ancestors. The door’s lock is so advanced younger Dick and robin Tim didn’t know how to hack it, but there was this window they could enter the room through by climbing a tree. Of course, they were rebellious, curious boys so they took this opportunity. Imagine Alfred’s shock when he got a phonecall from the old wallphone in the attic because the two of them broke the branch of the tree they had used to get inside, and they trapped themselves in.

- We all know Dick loves his cereal, so his brothers all take advantage of the rare moment when their older brother is vulnerable and carefree . .  by making Dick laugh so hard milk sprays out of his nostrils. Every. Single. Morning. That’s why Dick’s such an early riser now, to avoid his brothers and save his nose the pain.

- There’s this game they came up with, which was essentially tag in the dark. Except the chaser would carry a camera, and instead of touching the runners to tag them, they’ve have to snap a photo of them with the flash on (we didn’t have much to do when the lights went out as kids). Once, Tim and Damian bumped into each other in the dark while being chased down by Dick. Dami got a bruise on his forehead while Tim got one on his chin. Best part? Because of the rules of the game, Dick had snapped a perfect photo of them just as they collided.

- One time, Alfred stated how much space the boys’ old costumes were taking up in the batcave and asked them to throw away the ones they don’t use (in me and my sisters’ case, it’s a bunch of clothes we never wear but refuse to let go of).

Jason: I have nothing to toss out, I used all my helmets

Dick, holding up the Cursed Helmet With Nose and Mouth Features:

Jason: Hey! I got that made specifically to match my face anatomy. It’s expensive and I’m keeping it.

Dick, pointing at the domino mask:

Jason: Look, my helmets aren’t made by your fancy WayneTech. They break. I need to wear something underneath.

Tim, sitting at the batcomputer some distance away: You don’t get your weapons from WayneTech? Cringe.

Dick: Okay but what about this.

(he holds up the cursed dome helmet from the time he tried to become media famous in the 2009 comics)

Jason: That’s the red bucket Alfred uses to wash the floor, I threw that old helmet out years ago.

- Once, Dick and Jason were helping Dami do some mega-high backflips in the pool. They would each use their hands for Dami to stand on and toss him back with as much force as they can. Dami would use this as a boost, basically. One time, they used too much force, like a spring with surprisingly strong pushback, which drove Dami’s kneecap right into his nose mid-flip, breaking his nose.

i swear to god i did not make any of this up. we were bored 90s kids growing up in the early 2000s, and my grandad had a farm where we used to go feral. my childhood was lit and full of injuries. for some extra context: my brother’s 8 years older than me, and my sister 4, so i was mainly the victim of their recklessness.

insp.

[sickhumor]

Redneck taglines

Back in the late 1980s - early 1990s, telecommunications took place over telephone lines and communal computing existed mostly on Bulletin Board Systems (before the WWW). It wasn’t uncommon to sign off a message or an email with what was called a “tagline” - usually a one-line expression of good wishes - or a joke. Here’s a compilation of redneck taglines I saved from a BBS listing posted in 1994.

...URA Redneck if your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.

...URA Redneck if directions to your house include, "Turn off paved road.”

...URA Redneck if after making love you ask to roll down the car window.

...URA Redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of admired people.

...URA Redneck if less than half the cars you own run.

...URA Redneck if Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

...URA Redneck if the primary color of your car is bondo.

...tRA Redneck if the taillight covers on your car are made of tape.

...URA Redneck if there's a wasp nest in your living room.

...URA Redneck if truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

...URA Redneck if you answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.

...URA Redneck if you can have sex without spilling your beer.

...URA Redneck if you can't visit relatives without your car getting muddy.

...URA Redneck if you come back from the dump with more than you took.

...URA Redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

...URA Redneck if you consider a family reunion a chance to meet women.

...URA Redneck if you drove to elementary school.

...URA Redneck if you entertain with tapes of championship bowling.

...URA Redneck if you entertain yourself for an hour with a fly swatter.

...URA Redneck if you entertain yourself for an hour with a bug zapper.

...URA Redneck if you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

...URA Redneck if you get an estimate from the barber to cut your hair.

...URA Redneck if you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

...URA Redneck if you get your oil changed by your barber.

...URA Redneck if you had to remove the Marlboro to kiss the bride.

...URA Redneck if you have "dress" boots.

...URA Redneck if you have a civil war chess set.

...URA Redneck if you have a Hefty Bag instead of a passenger window.

...URA Redneck if you have a picture of Elvis on velvet in plain sight.

...URA Redneck if you have a velvet bedspread.

...URA Redneck if you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.

...URA Redneck if you have more appliances in the yard than in the house.

...URA Redneck if you have more than twelve dogs on your porch.

...URA Redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

...URA Redneck if you have to move the transmission to take a bath.

..,URA Redneck if you hold a frog and *it* worries about getting warts.

...URA Redneck if you keep your thermostat on 85 in the winter.

...URA Redneck if you own a homemade fur coat.

...URA Redneck if you own more TVs than books.

...URA Redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

...URA Redneck if you quit your job to avoid paying child support.

...URA Redneck if you record WWF Wrestling while you're at work.

...URA Redneck if you skipped school in the 8th grade to vote.

.,,URA Redneck if you think BMW is the call letters for a radio station.

...URA Redneck if you think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

...URA Redneck if you think Ernest is funny.

...URA Redneck if you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

...URA Redneck if you use more than one can of hairspray per week.

...URA Redneck if you voted Tammy Bakker as "Year's Best Dressed Woman".

...URA Redneck if you want to be a disc jockey when you grow up.

...URA Redneck if you've been arrested for getting relief in an ice machine.

...URA Redneck if you're entertained by a 6 pack and a bug zapper.

...URA Redneck if you're holding a beer in your wedding picture.

...URA Redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

...URA Redneck if you've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill.

...URA Redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

...URA Redneck if you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

...URA Redneck if you've ever given rat traps as a gift.

...URA Redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

...URA Redneck if you've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.

...URA Redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

...URA Redneck if you've ever used lard in bed.

...URA Redneck if you've ever vacationed in a rest area.

...URA Redneck if you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

...URA Redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

...URA Redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

...URA Redneck if you've spray painted your girl's name on an overpass.

...URA Redneck if you've worn something to church having sequins on it.

...URA Redneck if your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run".

...URA Redneck if your appearance got you fired from a construction job.

...URA Redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.

...URA Redneck if your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers".

...URA Redneck if your belt buckle is heavier than 4 lbs.

...URA Redneck if your best suit is a Budweiser cap and an orange vest.

...URA Redneck if your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

...URA Redneck if your bumper sticker says "My other car is a combine".

...URA Redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.

...URA Redneck if your car's rear tires are twice as wide as the front.

...URA Redneck if your chain to your wallet is as big as your dog chain.

...URA Redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

,..URA Redneck if your dog can smoke a cigarette.

...URA Redneck if your dog sleeps closer to you than your wife does.

...URA Redneck if your father is in the same grade as you.

...URA Redneck if your father made your personalized license plate.

...URA Redneck if your favorite Chinese meal comes from "LaChoy".

...URA Redneck if your first grandchild is born on your 26th birthday.

...URA Redneck if your funeral has more pickup trucks than cars.

...URA Redneck if your Home library is a Bible and the Farmers' Almanac.

...URA Redneck if your home needs a hitch.

...URA Redneck if your house warming involves removing the tires.

...URA Redneck if your idea of health food is pork rinds.

...URA Redneck if your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell".

...URA Redneck if your kids are described as "dumb as a brick".

...URA Redneck if your Levi's have Skoal can prints on the pockets.

...URA Redneck if your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

...URA Redneck if your living room sofa is covered by a foam backed throw.

.,.URA Redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

..,URA Redneck if your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

...URA Redneck if your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the lightbulb,

...URA Redneck if your pocket knife's been referred to as "Exhibit A",

...URA Redneck if your porch collapses and kills more than seven dogs.

,.,URA Redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

...URA Redneck if your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.

...URA Redneck if your truck cost more than your house.

...URA Redneck if your wedding looks more like a family reunion.

...URA Redneck if your wife ever burned out an electric razor.

..,URA Redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

..,URA Redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

...URA Redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

...URA Redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

...URA Redneck if your will states all your possessions be sold at auction.

...URA Redneck if your 9x9 living room has a Spanish décor.

...Redneck foreplay: (Nudge) "Are you awake?"

...Redneck foreplay: "Get in the truck, bitch."

[anonfanfic]

Life of the Party || Clexa Small Town AU

The huge bonfire crackled and hissed in the distance. Lexa wasn’t sure what she was doing at this party. She hated parties, she hated crowds, and she hated most of the people gathered around the fire yelling and laughing way too loud. She could already smell the stale beer and cheap vodka all around her. 

“Holy shit, I didn’t think you’d actually show.” Lexa spun around to see Clarke holding a red plastic cup and smirking at her.

“Yeah well,” Lexa’s right hand was clutching her left forearm protectively. She couldn’t hide how uncomfortable she was in this environment. “I’m full of surprises.” 

Clarke walked over to Lexa and the second she started to speak again Lexa could smell the liquor on her breath.

“Are you staying long?” Clarke reached out and pulled Lexa into a tight hug. “Or are you gonna disappear like you always do?” 

Lexa wrapped an arm loosely around Clarke’s waist and smiled. “You know me too well.” 

Clarke pulled away and took Lexa’s hand, pulling her toward the crowd gathered around the fire.

“Come on, we’ll get you a drink.” 

Lexa didn’t want to be here, but Clarke was here and that was enough to get her to stay for at least one drink.

The air smelled like smoke and alcohol. It was a dizzying combination made only more intoxicating with each drink Clarke handed to Lexa.

At some point, music started to blare from one of the cars parked nearby. People started to jump, scream the lyrics, and grind against the nearest body.

Lexa watched Clarke in the middle of a group of people shaking her hips and finished yet another cup of alcohol. 

After a particularly loud song ended with a final bass drop, Clarke came over and wrapped her arms around Lexa’s shoulders. 

“You’re still here!” Clarke’s voice was slurred and Lexa put a hand on Clarke’s waist to steady her.

“I am.” Lexa looked down and could see just how blasted Clarke was. “You aren’t driving home tonight, right?” 

Clarke shook her head and smiled. “No, I’m sleeping at Raven’s tonight.”

Lexa’s brow furrowed in concern. “Raven just left half an hour ago with Finn.”

Clarke pouted dramatically and went to reach for another drink, but Lexa took her arm.

“Why don’t I drive you home.” 

Clarke eyes went wide. “I can’t go home, my parents would murder me.”

Lexa thought for a long moment, looking around as the crowd around them started to thin. People were pairing off or just sitting next to the dying fire still singing along with music that had long since stopped. 

“Alright,” Lexa made a decision. “We’re gonna crash at Lincoln’s tonight.”

Clarke’s eyes were wide again. Lexa could see the embers of the remaining flames dancing behind the bright blue.

“It’s fine. He’ll be cool and in the morning I can either take you to Raven’s or to your house.” 

Clarke nodded along with Lexa’s words though Lexa wasn’t sure if Clarke understood anything she was saying. 

“Let’s get out of here and maybe find you some water.”

Clarke nodded again, this time reaching down and lacing her fingers with Lexa’s as they walked back to Lexa’s truck. There was a rush of electricity that started at Lexa’s fingertips and charged through her body to her chest. The surge seemed to pull all the oxygen from Lexa’s lungs as she fought to inhale the closer they got to her truck.

Lexa helped Clarke into her truck, her mind still racing through everything that was happening. It was like the world was moving so much quicker than she could keep up, but she was trying her best stay above water.

Lincoln’s place wasn’t far from where the party had been held, and Clarke had taken the opportunity to play Lexa’s radio as loud as she could a sing along to some cheery pop song Lexa’s didn’t know. It didn’t stop her from looking at Clarke and cracking up as she pretended to be on stage performing.

They got to Lincoln’s and Lexa used her spare key to get into the small, dark house. There was little chance Lincoln would walk up and if he did Lexa knew she would need to do some serious explaining as to why a drunk Clarke Griffin was now raiding his fridge.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed,” Lexa whispered, after Clarke had downed a large cup of water and taken the leftover burger that Lincoln had in his fridge. Lexa made a note to grab Lincoln dinner tomorrow.

Lexa carefully maneuvered Clarke to the guest bedroom on the other side of the house and got her settled into the small bed. She grabbed the trash can from the bathroom and placed it next to the bed.

“I’ll be right over there if you need me.” Lexa pointed to the floor near the closet where she would be camping out for the rest of the night.

Lexa turned to walk away, but felt Clarke grab her wrist.

“Stay here with me.” Clarke patted the bed.

“No, it’s way too small. You need to rest.” Lexa looked down at Clarke’s hand grasping her wrist and felt the same shock move through her system, but this one stopped in the pit of her stomach.

“I can make room.” Clarke moved over and once again patted the bed in front of her. “Please…” Clarke stuck out her bottom lip and batted her eyes up at Lexa. “For me?” 

Lexa felt her resolve crumble. This was a bad idea. The only thing worse than Lincoln finding out Lexa had hidden Clarke here was Lincoln waking up to Lexa and Clarke sharing a bed and reeking of booze. 

“Fine,” Lexa kicked off her boots. “But only until you fall asleep.”

Clarke smiled and released Lexa moving one of the pillows as Lexa settled into her spot. 

The bed was far too small for this. Clarke’s body was flush against Lexa’s as she pulled the covers up. Clarke draped an arm over Lexa’s stomach and wiggled her body around until she finally got comfortable. Lexa felt Clarke’s warm breath on her neck and it was almost enough to make her jump out of bed. This was too close. This was crossing a line with Clarke who was too far gone to know it.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice came through the dark. “I love you.”

Lexa’s heart stopped. This had to be some fever dream. Lexa was at home in bed, she had never actually gone to the party. This couldn’t be real.

Lexa swallowed, feeling a lump the size of a boulder in her throat. 

“Tell me that again when you’re sober.” Lexa whispered back.

There was a moment of silence that made Lexa’s ears buzz like a nest full of wasps.

“Deal.”

[hms-chill]

The Two Princes

Summary: An AU based on the podcast The Two Princes. When Prince Henry sets out to break the mysterious curse that’s destroying his kingdom, he’s ready to face whatever dastardly villain or vile monster stands in his way. What he isn’t prepared for are the bewildering new emotions he feels when he meets the handsome Alex, a rival prince on a quest to save his own realm. Forced to team up, the two princes soon discover that the only thing more difficult than saving their kingdoms is following their hearts.

--

Chapter 1: Once Upon a Time

--

Chapter 2: Prince and Thief

The next morning finds Henry beating his way through trees with Shaan’s sword, tired and hungry and scratched all over. What sleep he’d managed to get was interrupted by falling branches and a rustling that never stopped, not once, and had him jolting awake every time his eyes closed. He is just so sick of this forest, and its stupid trees, and its stupider vines. It’s just trees, and trees, and more trees, and they all look the bloody same. He hacks through a final vine and stumbles into a clearing, and suddenly, there’s something vaguely familiar. He digs through his bag for a minute and pulls out the map Shaan gave him, and it clicks. If that oak tree in front of him, with branches shaped like a skull, is the same skull tree as the one on his map, then he knows where he is. Sort of. If he can figure out which direction is north. Then he’ll just--

There’s a cracking nearby, and Henry pulls out Shaan’s sword, turning toward it. “Hello? What was that? Is someone out there? If so, I warn you, I’m armed!”

There’s nothing there, but he holds the stance for a breath. Two. Three. He sighs eventually, then sheathes the sword. It’s probably nothing. Just because everyone back home thinks the forest is full of monsters doesn’t mean it’s actually haunted. He’s just decided that there can’t be anything too much worse than what he’d have dealt with at home when a massive wasp dives straight for his head.

He lets out a decidedly unprincely squawk, diving away with his hands over his head as it turns to hover in front of him. Its buzzing fills the clearing, and when he gets a full look at it, it’s enormous. He’s just starting to wonder about how it stays airborne, and what it eats, and how something like this can have lived so close to the Kingdom of the West when it dives again, and he’s sent scrambling out of its way. It turns again, and he draws the sword.

“Okay, look. I don’t believe in violence, but the last twenty four hours have been an exhausting combination of the last seventeen years. So if you want to fight, let’s fight. I’m done being Mr. Nice Prince.”

The wasp gives no indication that it understands his words, diving again, stinger forward. Henry blocks it with his sword, shoving it back. It comes again, and he swings wildly, not sure what else to do. It squeaks and chitters, and he slashes at it again, then again, dodging its stinger and letting his instincts take over until one particularly hefty thrust is met with a squishing sound he never wants to hear anything like again.

The buzzing stops, and the forest is quiet. Henry looks down at the sword to see the body of the wasp impaled on it, limp. He shakes it off quickly, then brushes the sword in the grass, trying desperately to get all the bug guts off it before the reality of what he’s done sinks in, and a grin creeps over his face.

He’s just defeated his first monster. He is amazing. Sure, it was more bug than monster, but still. He’s faced a monster from the cursed forest, and he came out on top, because he’s an amazing prince, and he is more than ready to face anything this forest has to throw at him. He’s turning out to be quite the natural hero.

That is, until the buzzing starts up again, louder than before. Henry turns to the bug, but it’s still there, dead as ever with a black ooze seeping from the cut in its abdomen. Then he turns to look behind him, and there are more wasps than he can count, and suddenly, Henry remembers that wasps build nests. Nests that house up to 10,000 wasps. And even if he’s sure he’s a great hero, every great hero he’s ever read about knew to pick their battles, and this doesn’t seem like one that it would be particularly wise to pick. So he starts to back away, debating if it’s wiser to try to run but turn his back on the bugs or just back away slowly. His decision is made for him when the first bug swoops down, and he has to bat it away with his sword.

“I’m sorry I killed your friend, but in my defense, he totally deserved it,” Henry tells the bugs, swatting at them frantically. “I really am the biggest nature lover; you can ask anyone back in the West and they’ll--” He takes another step back, and his foot goes straight through whatever foliage covers the forest floor. It’s too late to stop himself as he goes tumbling backward, a scream following him down.

He lands in a pile of leaves and mushrooms, and after a minute to get his bearings and make sure he’s all in one piece, he realizes he’s surrounded by the worst stench he’s ever smelled. It smells like it might be rotting cabbage, or maybe David’s chamber pot. Whatever it is, it’s foul, and he realizes that the mushrooms he’s landed in are sticky, and if that isn’t just the tip of the iceberg of what an awful day this has been he’s not sure what is. He is going to need a bath, and probably to sleep for the next year when he gets back home.

Still, as he gets up and tries to brush whatever mushroom gunk he can off of himself, he realizes that it’s not as bad as he’d thought. The scent is less rank now, almost pleasant, something closer to a garden than he’d have thought. He’s somehow unsure what he was complaining about as a lightness spreads over him, and he looks around at the flowers spreading out before him with a bit of a laugh. Maybe he’ll build a house down here, and he’ll live in this nice floaty feeling. Maybe he should invite the wasps-- the wasps seem to have disappeared, but before he can process that, there’s a woman’s sing-song voice echoing around him.

“Oh Darling,” it calls, and Henry turns to notice a tunnel lined with flowers.

“What? Who, but… who said that?” Words are harder to string together now, but he finds them eventually, because he is a brave, heroic prince.

“I did. Is that you, my darling?” The voice calls, and Henry feels a dopey grin spread across his face.

“Maybe, I mean, yeah, I could be someone’s darling.”

“Where are you, darling?”

“I’m… at the bottom of a pit,” Henry says, just now realizing that he might not know the best way to reach whoever this is, “where are you?”

“I’m here too. Further down. Come find me, darling.” He might be imagining it, but Henry could swear the vines in front of him seem to part and shift, beaconing him down the tunnel before him. “I’ve been waiting for you for so long.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry. Wh-- How do I… How do I find you?”

“Just follow my voice, darling! Then we will be together forever.” The vines in front of him shift a bit more, and he realizes her voice is coming from there.

“Mmm, together. That sounds nice.” And it does. It would be nice to be with someone; he’s spent quite a lot of time alone, and having a friend to spend time with sounds good. So he follows the vines and her voice, the smile still on his face as she starts to sing.

“This is the song that I sing to my love Aren’t I lucky you fell from above When we’re together, my cute little pup I’ll hold you and squeeze you and gobble you up.”

Something about that feels wrong, and after a minute, Henry says, “wait, gobble me up?”

“Metaphorically speaking,” she says, and his whole body relaxes again, the nice peaceful joy retaking his brain.

“Oh, well, that’s okay, then.”

“Life without love, like a life without food Is empty and barren and terribly crude But you came along dear, to fill up my heart And also my stomach--”

“What?”

“Forget that last part.”

“Hey, I think I see a light up ahead. Is that you, Lady Voice?” It’s a beautiful light, a nice warm green that seems ready to fold him into a nice, safe hug and protect him from the forest’s monsters.

“That’s me, darling, keep walking. You’re almost there, just a few more--” And then he’s pushing aside a curtain of vines and he’s in a cavern, and he interrupts with sounds of awe.

It is the most incredible place he could have ever imagined. Flowers cover every surface, vines creeping up the walls and shorter plants carpeting the floor. “This place is incredible; I’ve never seen so many flowers. Where am I?”

The voice is closer now. “Where you’ve always been headed, and where you’ve always wanted to be. The Garden of Delights!”

“The Garden of Delights? Well that sounds… delightful!” He says it with a little giggle, and she giggles, too, but there’s still something nagging at the back of his head. He frowns, trying to concentrate, trying to pull the pieces of what he remembers through the fog of his brain as he says, “but I actually think I was headed somewhere else… Somewhere called the… the Hollow of… You know what, I can’t actually remember. Why can’t I remember?”

“Don’t worry about it. In fact, you don’t need to worry about anything else ever again.” The woman in front of him seems to have just appeared, stepping out from between the vines as naturally as if she’d grown there. The green of her dress shimmers as she smiles at him, reaching out a hand

“Who are you?” He asks, trying to take her all in.

“I’m Flora, of course. The goddess of love.”

“Wow. You are… really beautiful.”

“I am. And what’s your name, Darling?” She croons, and Henry has to stop for a second.

“Oh, I’m… I’m uh… Hang on, I know this. I totally know this. I’m um, um, uh, Hen.. Hen… Henry. Yeah, I’m Henry. That’s who I am. Henry.”

“I’m so pleased to meet you, Henry. But won’t you come a little closer?” she asks, reaching out both arms to him. “You’re still so far away.”

“Oh, sure. Although, I feel like I should let you know, I’m not looking for anything romantic right now, I just wanted to be up front about where I’m at emotionally, just so there are no hurt feelings--”

She shushes him with a sound like wind through the trees, and Henry shuts his mouth, all but floating toward her outstretched arms. “All I want to do is sooth your troubled brow and lift the weight of the world from your weary shoulders,” she croons. Vines start to snake out from the walls behind her, and Henry takes a step back in alarm.

“What are those?”

“Those are my tendrils of love. Don’t be frightened, darling, they only want to caress you,” she reassures him. They curl around him, nice at first, then pulling tighter, squeezing him in.

“Yeah, they’re… they’re actually a little constricting?” He tells her, trying to pull himself out. She laughs.

“Only because you’re struggling.”

“Um, look, could we take a pause for a moment? You’re really nice, but I think I need some fresh air,” Henry says, suddenly realizing how long it’s been since he took a deep breath. “It’s kind of hard to breathe down here, and hard to think, it’s the smell, it’s just, there’s something about it, it’s--”

“Full of love?”

“No, it’s just… it’s too sweet, I can’t… I can’t focus…” He tries to think back to how he got here, to where he is, and how and why he ever left home.

“You’ll feel better soon, I promise, just come a little closer,” Flora croons. The vines pull him forward despite his struggles, squeezing tighter and tighter.

“No, something’s not right, I should go…”

“But darling, no one ever leaves the garden of delights.”

“Please, tell your tendrils to let go of me!” He’s begging now, trying harder and harder to get air into his lungs that’s not tinged with the awful sickly-sweet smell of flowers.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can, now let go of me!”

He’s finally getting some of the tendrils off when Flora rears back, suddenly blocking the light from above and plunging the cavern into an emerald darkness as she roars, “stop fighting me, mortal! I told you, no one ever leaves the garden of delights! Now, come closer.”

“What are you?! You’re not a goddess,” Henry fights back the scream, but the mouth in front of him cracks into a wide smile, one lined with thorns, and he doesn’t want to find out if they’re as sharp as they look.”

“No, I am a very hungry plant, and it’s been ages since I’ve had a meal as big and scrumptious as you.” Her laughter echoes around him as he struggles, clinging to whatever plant matter doesn’t seem to be connected to her as she pulls him to her mouth.

“No, let me go! Please, somebody help me! Help!” His scream echoes around the room, but he knows that no one is coming. The forest is forbidden; no one comes here. It’s a death trap, and he’d known that, and he’d wandered blindly in anyway. He’s just wishing he’d told his mother where he was going, or given David a last pat, when a voice rings out around him.

“That’s enough, monster!” There’s the sound of an arrow being let loose, and the plant drops Henry to the ground, screaming.

“My eye!” She’s shrunk down enough to let light filter in through her leaves, and in the false twilight, Henry sees another figure in the room with them.

“Who are you?”

The man turns to him, but instead of a greeting or explanation, he gets, “head back the way you came; you’ll find a rope you can climb to the surface. I’m going to take care of this overgrown fly trap. Now, go.” The other man draws his sword as the plant rears back up, a sickly looking flower growing over where her eye used to be.

“I’m going to tear you limb from limb, you filthy, stinking human,” she fumes, and the other man just laughs.

“Funny. I was thinking the same thing about you.” He shoves Henry toward the door, and Henry runs, followed by the sounds of sword on vine. He’s halfway up the rope when it starts to move below him, and he looks down to see the other man climbing, too. They clamber to the top together, and Henry flops onto safe ground, overwhelmingly glad to be able to see the sky.

“That was intense. What was that thing?” He asks, still trying to get his breath back. The other man stands up beside him, brushing his hands off and pulling up the rope.

“I don’t know what they’re called, but the forest is full of them.”

“Wow, I’m really glad you came along, thank you.” The other man holds out a hand to help him up, and Henry sees him in full for the first time. He’s not wearing a helmet, but he is shorter than Henry, so the first thing he notices is the tousled hair, a sort of effortless beauty to it even as it’s full of leaves and twigs. Then he sees the other man’s face, and he is, undeniably, the most beautiful thing Henry has ever seen. His brain is telling him to ignore it, but the command gets muddled somewhere on his way to his mouth, because Henry just keeps talking through his realization. “Thank you for rescuing me, and for… for being so beautiful.”

“What?” he’s turned his attention to coiling the rope, but the other man looks up at being called beautiful, and Henry’s brain finally processes what his mouth said. He has to fix it.

“I mean brave. Thank you for being so brave, not beautiful. Sorry, that was weird, I don’t know why I said that. I think some of those toxins must still be messing with my head, making me say crazy things. I don’t think you’re beautiful.” The other man frowns, and Henry rushes to correct himself. “I mean, not that you’re ugly. Obviously you’re not ugly. I just mean if I had to choose, you know? If you put a sword to my head and said ‘am I attractive or ugly, pick one’ I’d have to say attractive because objectively that’s just a fact, but it’s not like you’re so attractive I can’t stop looking at you.” He is so attractive Henry can’t stop looking at him, but that’s the point where his brain finally catches up with his mouth enough to ask, “am I talking a lot? I feel like I’m talking a lot.”

“You are.” The other man is now thoroughly unimpressed, and Henry sighs.

“So, anyway, what I meant to say was, thank you. Thank you for… saving my life. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come along.” He’s studying his boots, just noticing how stained they’ve gotten after just a day in the forest.

“Then it’s a good thing I’ve been following you.” That gets Henry’s attention, even if the other man is still busy doing something with his rope.

“What? You’ve been following me?”

“For the last hour.” He says it like it’s something Henry should have noticed, so Henry nods.

“Ah, I thought someone was watching me.” Then he realizes a point where his plan to play along falls apart, and he asks, “wait, why were you following me? Also, what’s with the lasso?”

“I have some questions, and since I don’t know or trust you, I feel like you’ll be more inclined to answer them if I tie you up and dangle you from a tree.”

It sounds like a good plan, and Henry’s nodding and agreeing that it makes sense before he realizes what he’s saying enough to be scared. By that point, the rope is already around his legs, and they’re already being pulled out from under him, leaving him to dangle upside down from the nearest tree. “Hey, no, let me down from here, I thought we were friends! This is so not necessary.”

“Now then, who are you, and what are you doing in this forest?” The other man asks, ignoring Henry’s pleas.

“Me? I’m no one; no one at all. I’m literally just passing through.”

The other man just circles him, studying him closely. When he speaks, it sounds like it’s more to himself than to Henry. “Your clothes are filthy, but clearly Western, and your sword is… engraved with royal insignia.” He draws his own sword, holding it under Henry’s chin to ask, “do you work for the royal family?”

“What? No, no, no, definitely not. I definitely do not work for the royal family.” Because, technically, he reasons with himself, he doesn't.

“So you’re alone then? No one from the royal family is with you?” The other man demands, and Henry nods as best he can.

“Yeah, no, yeah, totally alone, no one from the royal family, I swear.”

He puts his sword back, and Henry takes a deep breath as he says, “sorry, can’t be too careful in this forest.”

“Yeah, no, no, no, totally understand.”

“My name is Alex,” he continues, apparently not having heard Henry’s agreement. “Prince of the East; no doubt you’ve heard of me?”

“Uh… not really.”

“I’m the son of Queen Ellen, Heir to the Eagle Throne, Defender of the Stonewalled Realm...” He turns to Henry, who just shakes his head.

“Sorry.”

“Hero of the Unstained Blade. Protector of the Rainbow Flame, Champion of Justice for All.”

“Wait, what was that last one?”

“Champion of Justice for All.” He’s dropped the presentory tone, and Henry pretends to take a second to think before shaking his head.

“Yeah, no.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sorry, we don’t really get much news about you guys in the West. We weren’t even sure there was anyone left in the East to be totally honest; we thought maybe the forest had finished you off.”

“Oh.” Alex’s shoulders seem to slump a little, and even if he’s just imagining it, Henry can’t have that. Especially not when Alex still has him hung from a tree.

“But, it’s so great to meet you! I’ve never met anyone from the East before, and now that I have, I’m like… woah, you people are awesome. I don’t know why we ever went to war with you, so can you maybe like… let me down now?”

Alex’s princely persona is back, and he steps closer to Henry. “You haven’t told me who you are or what you’re really doing in this forest.”

“Me? Um, I’m… my name is… David.” It’s the first thing he can think of, and the minute it’s out of his mouth he wants to cringe, but Alex is nodding.

“David?”

“Yeah, everybody calls me David.” Shit, he’s just told Alex he’s alone. “Not that I know many people, because I live here. By myself. Just… totally alone.”

“You live in the forbidden forest?” There’s a hint of genuine curiosity to Alex’s tone, and Henry nods.

“Yeah. I’m on the run, you see, from the royal family of the West. Whom we both hate.” That’s true, too, even if he wishes it weren’t. Alex nods, then frowns.

“Why are you on the run?”

“That is a… great question.” One for which he has no answer. “I am on the run because I… am a thief.” Which, again, technically true.

“A thief?”

Henry finds himself nodding. Now that he’s committed to the story, he has to stick with it. “Yeah, uh huh, I’m a thief! I mean, how do you think I got that sword? I mean, not to brag, but I’m basically the greatest thief in all the West.” He’s pretty proud of his lie, and Alex nods along, then frowns.

“Great. Just what I need. A vagabond with no concept of honor! Oh well; the forest can deal with you.” He stands up, and Henry starts to struggle again.

“Wait, what? Where are you going; you can’t leave me like this!” he protests, but Alex shakes his head. Every bit of personality Henry got a glimpse of is gone, Alex’s chin out, his chest up.

“I also can’t have a confessed criminal running around this forest.”

There’s a steady stream of swear words running through Henry’s head, but he finds another lie somewhere between them. “No no no; you don’t understand. When I said a thief, I meant like… a Robin Hood situation, steal from the rich, give to the poor. That’s why the royal family hates me! I’m too good. I mean, where I’m from, I’m basically a hero--”

“A hero?”

“In… the loosest sense of the word.”

“How long have you lived in this forest?” Alex is dropping bits of his princeliness now, leaning in to get a closer look at Henry. Henry hopes Alex can’t see any of his stress about lying.

“Uh… years. What, well, like… forever.”

Alex processes that, then says, “and yet, you nearly got eaten by a talking plant less than ten minutes ago because you wandered blindly into her lair.” Henry just nods, still trying to think.

“Yes. But, that’s the first time something like that has ever happened to me in all the many years I’ve lived here. So in terms of navigating the dangers of this forest, that’s actually a point in my favor.”

Alex hums, then pulls his sword out again, slicing through the ropes holding Henry up. Henry tumbles, groaning as he sits up and rubs his head. “Thanks, but next time? Give a guy a little warning before you cut him down.”

“I’ll make you a deal, Thief.”

“You can call me David,” Henry offers, getting to his feet, but Alex doesn’t acknowledge him.

“My first night in this forest, my horse got spooked and ran off with my map. Since then, I’ve been--”

“Hopelessly lost?”

“In need of directions.”

“Ah.” Of course; a perfect prince with a million titles like Alex could never be lost.

“If you can take me where I need to go,” he says, “I promise I’ll spare your life and set you free when my quest is over.”

“Uh, sure, yeah, okay. Where do you want to go?” Henry’s not sure how good of a guide he’ll be, but he has his map, and at this point, he’ll do anything to get down and he can move from there.

“The Hollow of the Kings.”

“The Hollow?” The Hollow Henry’s trying to get to, too? The one at the center of the forest; the Hollow of legend?

“You know it?”

“Uh, yeah, of course, but why do you want to go there?”

“That’s none of your business. All you need to know is that it’s imperative I get to the Hollow as soon as possible. Now, do we have a deal, or should I get my rope?” Of course he won’t say anything. But still, Henry’s going to the Hollow anyway, and he’d love to stay out of a tree.

“No! I mean, yes, yes, I’d love to take you to the Hollow.”

“Good, then it’s a deal.”

“Absolutely. Shake on it?” Alex just huffs, looking personally offended at Henry’s outstretched hand.

“A prince, shake hands with a thief?” Henry pulls his hand back automatically, trying to disguise his offer of a handshake with trying to rub his arm.

“Okay, or not. Not shaking also works.”

“Good, then let’s get started. Now that you work for me, you’ll carry my things.” Alex tosses a bag at Henry, and he catches it just before it hits the ground.

“Oh. Yeah, yeah, sure, okay, no problem buddy.”

“Don’t call me ‘buddy’.”

“Okay, no problem, Boss.”

“Your Royal Highness is fine.”

“Got it.”

“Also, from now on, please only speak when spoken to. You talk a lot, and your accent’s giving me a headache.” Alex is already on the move, though Henry’s not sure where he’s going if Henry’s supposed to be his guide. So he hurries after him.

“Oh. Really? We could be walking for a while, and not talking could make it hard to get to know each other.”

“Exactly. Also--”

“Ugh, how many rules do you have?” Henry asks, but Alex turns to look directly at him for the first time since they’ve met.

“If I find out you’re lying to me, about anything, I’ll feed you to the nearest plant. Got it?”

“Got it,” Henry says, swallowing a lump bigger than the multitude of lies he’s told in the past two minutes.

“Great. Well then, what are you waiting for? Lead me to the Hollow!” Alex claps Henry on the shoulder, the closest thing they’ve had to camaraderie yet. And Henry pulls out the map, hoping he hasn’t gotten himself into something he won’t be able to get out of.

--

On AO3

--

Notes:

And we meet Alex! And watch Henry be a mess!

--

Want to support the Hannah Makes Art Fund? You can tip me in ko-fi here!

[whiteappalachianwitch]

Familiars

Witches sometimes have familiars, otherwise known as a spirit, that supports them by aiding them in magickal works. Usually a feline is mostly associated with the witch, and some superstitions believed a witch could transform into a cat. In this day and age, a familiar can be any pet that belongs to the witch. The connection between the witch and their pet is special. 

Most all witches have a love for animals, as they do for all living things. Witches understand the importance of the animal kingdom in general. Always stay in tune with the vibrations of your animals so you can know if they are sick or in need. 

Feathered Friends

Blackbird

Within Wicca, the blackbird is a cherished thing, and thought to be extremely psychic. If a blackbird sings for you, and looks you straight in the eye, know that love is on its way to you!

Blue Tit

This little bird brings happiness and new of birth/weddings. If these birds are around your garden, you’ll have an abundance of goods. If you see a blue tit scruffy and bedraggled, blow it a kiss and it will live another year. 

Crow

Spiritual people attract the crow the most. Wiccans hold the crow as a spiritual messenger. They are very intelligent creatures, and a lot of individuals are very superstitious about them. Sometimes on tarot cards you will see a crow perched on the shoulder of a witch. Throw out some corn and they will hang around your house. 

Cuckoo

When the spring finally gets here, and you hear the first cuckoo, make a wish and it will be granted. This bird is good luck and to see one means that you will have more money coming to your life. 

Finch

The truth seeker. Tell it your troubles and it will fly away with your problems, leaving them to disappear within the clouds. It will also ruffle it’s feathers if you’re not being true to yourself. 

Magpie 

Do not listen to the bad sayings about the magpie. Wiccans consider the magpie just as useful as any other aggressive bird. Chinese witches say they are half raven, half dove and very beautiful. The spiritually blessed individuals attract the magpie most. If you see one in your garden, you’ll know your home and property are protected. 

Owl 

The great fortune-teller. All the secrets of the universe are said to be within the owl. Speak aloud to the owl and ask your questions. If it hoots once, the answer will be no. If it hoots twice, the answer will be yes. If you so happen to have an owl enter your house, it is a VERY bad omen. If you see its image on a window where it might have accidentally collided with the glass, there is news of death. 

Pheasant

This is the bird of protection against dangers, especially for younger individuals. If there is a child in the home, and a pheasant is spotted on the property, it is believed that the child will always be protected from danger. Some witches will sew the feathers of a pheasant onto their attire or hats. 

Robin

In Christianity, the robin is believed to have gained their red breast from the blood of Jesus after it plucked the deepest thorn from Jesus’ brow while dying on the cross. If you speak to a robin while outside doing things, it may follow you around. If you have a regular visitor in your garden, you are very lucky. However, if it comes into the house it portends some sad news or even news of death. 

Sparrow

If a sparrow flies at you, know to look after your health better. 

Sparrow Hawk

If this bird makes eye contact with you, its trying to tell you news. If you tune into the sparrow hawk you will find it’s understanding and knowledge. 

Swallow

Your property will be protected against bad weather if a swallow nests in the eaves of your house. 

Woodpecker

This guardian of all trees is associated with magickal powers. Use the dust caught from a hole of a woodpecker in spells for happier times. 

Wren

This bird is a myth thought to be the king of birds. If this bird flies in your home, it will  leave magick and good luck. If a wren appears to you, something wonderful will happen.

Furry Friends 

Badger

This animal is a lunar animal and part of the weasel family. Lunar animals are magickal and associated with the lunar goddess. There are many lunar animals. The badger has supernatural powers and can sense when it’s in the presence of a witch. Badgers can sense magickal ley lines. These lines are thought to be paths of spiritual energy running through the earth along which ancient monuments were built and sacred sites aligned. 

Bat

The bat can usually be found wherever a witch resides. According to Chinese folklore, if a bat nests under your roof, it is a sign of better things to come. 

Dogs

Dogs are incredibly psychic! Because of this, they can easily detect humans emotions. They are also sensitive to weather changes. 

Frogs, Toads, and Newts

A lot of garden, or green, witches who are into magickal lore and medicinal properties of herbs, will keep an amphibian as a pet. Frogs and toads are lucky to have around. However, if one should be killed or found dead on your property, then sad news of the loss of a friend is to come. 

Hare

Another lunar creature like the badger. They represents fertility and new beginnings for many religions. Many witches have images of the hare on jewelry. Star-gazing hares are thought to attract the full moon and stars, and are purported to be the most magickal as they are moon worshipers. If you see one, very good luck. 

Horse

The horse is the only creature that may have an issue with witches. This beast is very sensitive and senses vibrations differently from ours. Sometimes Wiccan vibrations can spook a horse. The horse sometimes can be neigh too loud or rear up. This is because the horse simply doesn’t understand the vibrations its sensing and should be handled carefully. A horse can settle down and get used to a witch. Don’t take it personal. Be patient and take time with a horse. 

Rabbit

Like the hare, a rabbit is lunar. If found in your garden, it could mean news of a baby for you or someone close to you. 

Insightful Insects 

Bee

The much treasured bee is a very important insect to our ecosystem. Some witches will keep beehives because of their love for honey often used in healing potions. Bee witches, or witches or keep bees, make sure correct flowers and plants are always available in the garden. Never swear in front of a bee for this thought to weaken them through the presence of negativity. If one flies into the palm of your hand, legend has it that you’ll soon have money. If a bee doesn’t like your energy, it will sting you. NEVER EVER KILL A BEE!!  

Hornet or Wasp 

Interestingly enough, you can use telepathy with these insects. If you tune in right, they will do as you ask. If they aggravate you, speak firmly and say “please leave.” It will usually obey, and if you get stung instead, it’s a warning that there may be a person around you who you shouldn't trust. Jealousy is associated with hornets also, so be on guard. 

Grasshopper

If you are face-to-face with the grasshopper, you will have to make decisions about journeys that lie ahead of you. 

Ladybug 

This lovely little bug is also known as the ladybird beetle. It is a witch’s little familiar and if one lands on you, many blessings will come. Hold it in your cupped hand for a few moments and tell it your secrets. Then make a wish and let it go. 

Spider

Witches attract spiders the most. They run over clothes, land in your hair, and even creep into bed with you! It is said to be the only living creature on the planet that can understand human language. Some witches will talk to spiders a lot, or put them in their pocket for a moment to increase their wealth. If you kill a spider intentionally, you will have bad luck and a year of hardship. If a tiny spider finds you, circle it three times over your head, and let if drop into your hair. Leave it there to find its way out to increase your money energy three times over. 

The Notorious Cat

This animal is most closely associated with witches today. Many witches have friendly felines as familiars and many believe them to be psychic. In the day and age when witches were burned, their cats were often burned along with them or just killed outright. The Egyptians were often buried with their cats for help to the journey into the spiritual realm. Sometimes your cat will hunt for you and bring you presents. Thank you for their offering, then dispose of it (if its a dead animal) privately so you do not offend the feline.  

References

Robbins, Shawn, and Greenaway, Leanna. Wiccapedia. New York: Sterling Ethos, 2014. Print.

[animalcontrolspecialistsllc]

Akron Ohio Wildlife Removal

Animal Control Specialists LLC Wildlife Services

Animal Control Specialists, LLC New Franklin, OH 44319 (330) 608-1718

Squirrel Removal

These small animals are not known to be aggressive, but the assistance of an Akron squirrel removal professional is always a safe bet in comparison to handling a wild animal that a person may know nothing about. Professionals will be able to remove these animals and will understand the laws that may govern these game animals so that it is not done illegally. Once they are removed, exclusion needs to happen to keep them from coming back.

This is another part of the process that a professional can help with. They can inform owners about modifications and techniques that can be used to keep them out. Repairing broken windows and screens, capping chimneys, and keeping trees trimmed around a home are all some of the techniques that can help to reduce the chances of a future issue. These are all steps that are part of a bigger plan the pros can create to make sure that all the bases are covered. Read more on squirrels in attic Akron.

Raccoon Removal

Home and property owners must limit the factors that will attract a raccoon into a yard or home. They will want to limit any and all possible food sources because these will be the things that will initially draw them to a property. There are the obvious things like making sure trash is cleaned up and in a locked garbage can and store pet food where they cannot gain access to it. Then there are the little things like cleaning up after a barbecue.

The owner will also want to make sure that any and all possible access points are secured, and exclusion techniques put in place. Cutting overhanging tree limbs away from a roof, chimney caps, and other certified barriers installed as well.

These animals are protected by law because they are considered to be fur-bearing animals. Trapping needs to be done by a licensed professional wildlife control operator, to remove these animals. They can be difficult animals to deal with and a professional will be the best possible resource to make sure that a home or building is safe from these intelligent pests.

View Animal Control Specialists LLC in a full-screen map

Mouse Control

Rodents can thrive in all different types of habitats like deserts, jungles, forests, grasslands, and even cities and suburbs. Some of them will prefer to live off the ground in attics or trees and others will be ground dwellers who will dig burrows or occupy abandoned dens of other animals. There are a large majority of rodents that live in large, social colonies of multiple individuals. They will build nests in and around homes due to the abundance of food sources that these areas provide them. They are able to climb, jump, swim, dig, burrow, and chew their way into man-made buildings if they feel that they need to. Some species are small enough to fit through an open only ½ inch in diameter.

Mice Control

Rodents can do a lot of different damage to a home or building. They can chew through electrical wiring creating a fire hazard, tear up insulation to build their nests, and burrowing rodents can tear up a lawn before an owner even realizes there is a problem. They are also known to spread a lot of diseases that can be contracted by people such as leptospirosis, Hantavirus, rat bite fever, and salmonellosis. The parasites they car can carry disease like the bubonic plague. There are steps that owners can take to keep an infestation from happening. Sanitation is key to making sure that they do not have access to food sources. Sealing and repairing any small crack or hole around the outside of the home is important in making sure that they do not get into the home. These may not work if an infestation has already occurred.

Bat Removal

If a problem is suspected, professional help should be utilized. Certified professionals will know how to handle the situation legally (as some bat species are protected), safely, and humanely as possible. They will help people to establish a plan for bat removal from the home. It is necessary that removing bats is carried out by professionals because if it is done before all of the animals have been removed, this could cause them to die or enter the home. A professional will know how to handle these delicate situations that are unique to dealing with bats.

Arkon bat removal is not an easy task. There aren’t any effective bat repellant sold in the market that can do the job as expected. Those high-pitched noise makers don’t do the job as well. In fact, FTC issued a warning that these so-called bat repellents on the market do not work. And don’t even attempt to use bat poison either as it can do more harm than good. Not only that, some states protect certain species of bats so if you happen to kill one, you’ll face with many legal issues.

Wildlife Control

Animal Control Specialists provides residential and commercial Wildlife Management services. We provide services to remove and control the following animals listed below. Additional services provided include Attic Restoration, Contaminated Insulation Removal, New Insulation Installation, Crawlspace Remediation, wasp control, fox trapping, chipmunk removal, bee control, and animal damage repairs.

Skunk Removal

Professional wildlife removal is the best way to make sure that a home and property are secured. Our professionals have the knowledge to educate a homeowner on the best and most effective control and removal methods. Locking trash cans, storing pet food out of their reach, and controlling the populations of other pests around a home are the best ways to keep them away, to begin with.

If a problem skunk is suspected of being on the property, trapping has been found to be the best way to get rid of them. This is definitely a process where a professional will be required. They are going to be able to handle this pest and do it in a way that is safe for the people who live on the property, themselves, and the skunk.

Chipmunk Removal

If there is one mouse in the house, a snap or glue trap that you get in the store will work just fine. If there is an infestation, professionals should be called. They are going to be able to offer knowledge and services for people to help them take care of the problem and prevent it from happening again. A professional will be able to help with trapping, damage repair, exclusion techniques, and establishing a plan for the given situation that an owner is dealing with.

Groundhog Removal

Groundhogs can cause enough damage that they are going to be eliminated. They are a species that can be difficult to trap, and it will require the help of a trained professional. People should refrain from handling it themselves because of the difficulty they pose in trapping and the disease and parasites they spread. Professionals are going to have the best tools and skills to make sure the trapping process is successful.

Once the animal has been rid of, exclusion techniques can be implemented. Fences are one of the best ways to do this. Fencing around the property and metal screening below the ground (under the fence) will keep them from getting in. They are great diggers and climbers, so the fence needs to be at least 3 feet high in coupling with the screening underground. Porches and decks are also areas that will need to be protected against these animals. Akron groundhog removal professionals will be able to help and advise on all of these topics and resolutions.

Squirrels in Attic

These small animals are not known to be aggressive, but the assistance of an Akron squirrel removal professional is always a safe bet in comparison to handling a wild animal that a person may know nothing about. Professionals will be able to remove these animals and will understand the laws that may govern these game animals so that it is not done illegally. Once they are removed, exclusion needs to happen to keep them from coming back.

This is another part of the process that a professional can help with. They can inform owners about modifications and techniques that can be used to keep them out. Repairing broken windows and screens, capping chimneys, and keeping trees trimmed around a home are all some of the techniques that can help to reduce the chances of a future issue. These are all steps that are part of a bigger plan the pros can create to make sure that all the bases are covered.

Raccoon in Attic

Home and property owners must limit the factors that will attract a raccoon into a yard or home. They will want to limit any and all possible food sources because these will be the things that will initially draw them to a property. There are the obvious things like making sure trash is cleaned up and in a locked garbage can and store pet food where they cannot gain access to it. Then there are the little things like cleaning up after a barbecue.

The owner will also want to make sure that any and all possible access points are secured, and exclusion techniques put in place. Cutting overhanging tree limbs away from a roof, chimney caps, and other certified barriers installed as well.

Mole Trapping

These animals are not protected by any law so there are a lot of options that people can use to rid their yard of these vermins. Every circumstance, situation, and location will be better suited to a different method of removal. Things like bait and traps can be effective in many instances as long as it is done by a professional who understands where to place them.

Trapping is considered to be the most effective method of removal. It is a process that can be tedious, time-consuming, and frustrating because of the elusive nature of these animals. This is why people should call on the services of professional removal experts. They will know how to properly assess the situation and how to proceed to make sure that they are successful.



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from AnimalControlSpecialistsLLC via Animal Control Specialists, LLC on Inoreader https://animalcontrolohio.com/services/akron-wildlife-removal-trapping/

[animalcontrolohio]

Akron Ohio Wildlife Removal

Animal Control Specialists LLC Wildlife Services

Animal Control Specialists, LLC New Franklin, OH 44319 (330) 608-1718

Squirrel Removal

These small animals are not known to be aggressive, but the assistance of an Akron squirrel removal professional is always a safe bet in comparison to handling a wild animal that a person may know nothing about. Professionals will be able to remove these animals and will understand the laws that may govern these game animals so that it is not done illegally. Once they are removed, exclusion needs to happen to keep them from coming back.

This is another part of the process that a professional can help with. They can inform owners about modifications and techniques that can be used to keep them out. Repairing broken windows and screens, capping chimneys, and keeping trees trimmed around a home are all some of the techniques that can help to reduce the chances of a future issue. These are all steps that are part of a bigger plan the pros can create to make sure that all the bases are covered. Read more on squirrels in attic Akron.

Raccoon Removal

Home and property owners must limit the factors that will attract a raccoon into a yard or home. They will want to limit any and all possible food sources because these will be the things that will initially draw them to a property. There are the obvious things like making sure trash is cleaned up and in a locked garbage can and store pet food where they cannot gain access to it. Then there are the little things like cleaning up after a barbecue.

The owner will also want to make sure that any and all possible access points are secured, and exclusion techniques put in place. Cutting overhanging tree limbs away from a roof, chimney caps, and other certified barriers installed as well.

These animals are protected by law because they are considered to be fur-bearing animals. Trapping needs to be done by a licensed professional wildlife control operator, to remove these animals. They can be difficult animals to deal with and a professional will be the best possible resource to make sure that a home or building is safe from these intelligent pests.

View Animal Control Specialists LLC in a full-screen map

Mouse Control

Rodents can thrive in all different types of habitats like deserts, jungles, forests, grasslands, and even cities and suburbs. Some of them will prefer to live off the ground in attics or trees and others will be ground dwellers who will dig burrows or occupy abandoned dens of other animals. There are a large majority of rodents that live in large, social colonies of multiple individuals. They will build nests in and around homes due to the abundance of food sources that these areas provide them. They are able to climb, jump, swim, dig, burrow, and chew their way into man-made buildings if they feel that they need to. Some species are small enough to fit through an open only ½ inch in diameter.

Mice Control

Rodents can do a lot of different damage to a home or building. They can chew through electrical wiring creating a fire hazard, tear up insulation to build their nests, and burrowing rodents can tear up a lawn before an owner even realizes there is a problem. They are also known to spread a lot of diseases that can be contracted by people such as leptospirosis, Hantavirus, rat bite fever, and salmonellosis. The parasites they car can carry disease like the bubonic plague. There are steps that owners can take to keep an infestation from happening. Sanitation is key to making sure that they do not have access to food sources. Sealing and repairing any small crack or hole around the outside of the home is important in making sure that they do not get into the home. These may not work if an infestation has already occurred.

Bat Removal

If a problem is suspected, professional help should be utilized. Certified professionals will know how to handle the situation legally (as some bat species are protected), safely, and humanely as possible. They will help people to establish a plan for bat removal from the home. It is necessary that removing bats is carried out by professionals because if it is done before all of the animals have been removed, this could cause them to die or enter the home. A professional will know how to handle these delicate situations that are unique to dealing with bats.

Arkon bat removal is not an easy task. There aren’t any effective bat repellant sold in the market that can do the job as expected. Those high-pitched noise makers don’t do the job as well. In fact, FTC issued a warning that these so-called bat repellents on the market do not work. And don’t even attempt to use bat poison either as it can do more harm than good. Not only that, some states protect certain species of bats so if you happen to kill one, you’ll face with many legal issues.

Wildlife Control

Animal Control Specialists provides residential and commercial Wildlife Management services. We provide services to remove and control the following animals listed below. Additional services provided include Attic Restoration, Contaminated Insulation Removal, New Insulation Installation, Crawlspace Remediation, wasp control, fox trapping, chipmunk removal, bee control, and animal damage repairs.

Skunk Removal

Professional wildlife removal is the best way to make sure that a home and property are secured. Our professionals have the knowledge to educate a homeowner on the best and most effective control and removal methods. Locking trash cans, storing pet food out of their reach, and controlling the populations of other pests around a home are the best ways to keep them away, to begin with.

If a problem skunk is suspected of being on the property, trapping has been found to be the best way to get rid of them. This is definitely a process where a professional will be required. They are going to be able to handle this pest and do it in a way that is safe for the people who live on the property, themselves, and the skunk.

Chipmunk Removal

If there is one mouse in the house, a snap or glue trap that you get in the store will work just fine. If there is an infestation, professionals should be called. They are going to be able to offer knowledge and services for people to help them take care of the problem and prevent it from happening again. A professional will be able to help with trapping, damage repair, exclusion techniques, and establishing a plan for the given situation that an owner is dealing with.

Groundhog Removal

Groundhogs can cause enough damage that they are going to be eliminated. They are a species that can be difficult to trap, and it will require the help of a trained professional. People should refrain from handling it themselves because of the difficulty they pose in trapping and the disease and parasites they spread. Professionals are going to have the best tools and skills to make sure the trapping process is successful.

Once the animal has been rid of, exclusion techniques can be implemented. Fences are one of the best ways to do this. Fencing around the property and metal screening below the ground (under the fence) will keep them from getting in. They are great diggers and climbers, so the fence needs to be at least 3 feet high in coupling with the screening underground. Porches and decks are also areas that will need to be protected against these animals. Akron groundhog removal professionals will be able to help and advise on all of these topics and resolutions.

Squirrels in Attic

These small animals are not known to be aggressive, but the assistance of an Akron squirrel removal professional is always a safe bet in comparison to handling a wild animal that a person may know nothing about. Professionals will be able to remove these animals and will understand the laws that may govern these game animals so that it is not done illegally. Once they are removed, exclusion needs to happen to keep them from coming back.

This is another part of the process that a professional can help with. They can inform owners about modifications and techniques that can be used to keep them out. Repairing broken windows and screens, capping chimneys, and keeping trees trimmed around a home are all some of the techniques that can help to reduce the chances of a future issue. These are all steps that are part of a bigger plan the pros can create to make sure that all the bases are covered.

Raccoon in Attic

Home and property owners must limit the factors that will attract a raccoon into a yard or home. They will want to limit any and all possible food sources because these will be the things that will initially draw them to a property. There are the obvious things like making sure trash is cleaned up and in a locked garbage can and store pet food where they cannot gain access to it. Then there are the little things like cleaning up after a barbecue.

The owner will also want to make sure that any and all possible access points are secured, and exclusion techniques put in place. Cutting overhanging tree limbs away from a roof, chimney caps, and other certified barriers installed as well.

Mole Trapping

These animals are not protected by any law so there are a lot of options that people can use to rid their yard of these vermins. Every circumstance, situation, and location will be better suited to a different method of removal. Things like bait and traps can be effective in many instances as long as it is done by a professional who understands where to place them.

Trapping is considered to be the most effective method of removal. It is a process that can be tedious, time-consuming, and frustrating because of the elusive nature of these animals. This is why people should call on the services of professional removal experts. They will know how to properly assess the situation and how to proceed to make sure that they are successful.



Original Site Here: %%postlink%

source https://animalcontrolohio.com/services/akron-wildlife-removal-trapping/

[butterflyiiisms]

Desserts Served

(Ludo learns how much his new family cares for him after an unfortunate run-in with his father leaves the small bird in shambles. An rp with my best friend that takes place in my “Greater Forces” au, where Moon and River have taken in Ludo, and Moon, River and Toffee are in a poly relationship. No Studo, don’t dare tag as such.)

The sun was out, birds were chirping and it was the ideal day for the princess and prince to play outside--supervised of course by Toffee since both had wandered into a colossal wasp's nest. Moon wouldn't allow them outside without supervision until they could prove they couldn't wander into a giant cave of bees.

For Star that was just fine. Time with the monster additions of her family. One who she was currently climbing like the most annoying monkey ever, attached around his shoulder and neck. "Toffee, wanna see a cool trick?"

Toffee's arms rose to lift the book to his eyes to offset when her form would get in the way, barely batting an eye. "It doesn't involve throwing my book into another dimension, does it?"

"Nawwww, you got really mad when I did that. It involves...this!" Star bounced off the septarian's shoulders in an impressive flip, landing with a bounce in Toffee's lap. Toffee Trampoline!"

He grunted at the weight, finally putting his book down. His expression was less than impressed.

"It's a great way to damage more than just a good book," he drawled, "But thankfully, you avoided the biggest chapter."

 She hung upside down in his lap, hearts on her face seeming to be happier than usual. "At least you put the book down and paid attention to me! I'm so much more interesting than anything you'd find in a dumb book."

Toffee's smile was small but genuine. "Yes, there certainly are no words to truly describe you. Although a few come to mind in an attempt."

Well color her intrigued. She clapped. "Well don't keep me in suspense! What are they? Mom says they have to be 'child friendly.'" She could almost still taste the soap in her mouth.

He clicked his tongue in irritation; he could still taste the suds too. "Do you have any other tricks to show off?" he countered.

"I can hang upside down by a tree branch with my teeth," she beamed. "But I'd need something to cushion me if I fall. ...HEY LUDO!"

She cried out as she spotted the little monster, but as he zoomed past them, a screeching wail followed. Both princess and septerian watched him run off.

Toffee glanced at her and sighed.

"Go get him," he replied.

"You need to stop screaming when I just say your NAME, Bird Brain!" Star chased after him. "C'mon, look how big your head is! It's make a perfect cushiony landing!"

 His scream faded into a choking sob as he continued to run.

"GO AWAY!" he forced out. "HE'LL FIND ME!"

 Star skidded to a stop and although she was still smiling, it was tense and definitely alarmed. "Ehe......what?"

Ludo took a dive into a random shrub. The leaves quivered under the force of his own shaking.

"I s-saw him!" Frightened yellow orbs darted nervously around in the darkness, "L-Lord Brudo! My... My father!" the hushed whisper was nearly ear-piercing as the trembling increased, the sound like a thunderstorm. "He was... a-at the market! He never goes there! I d-d-didn't know... !"

And just like that, a hardness that had never been seen came to Star's eyes, a type of coldness she had adopted from her step-father when he was pissed.

Oh....someone gonna DIE today.

She bent down next to the bush. "You can't just stay out here. Come on, I'll take you back to Mom okay?" She reached into the bush.

Ludo's nervous whine echoed before his claws raked down her wrist, clinging to it.

She grunted at the pain, but the fact that Ludo was so desperate for safety that he'd cling to her.... Man, poor ugly little birdy.

"Kay, we're gonna get ya back to Mom." She held the bird against her and narrowed her eyes furiously around them, her wand out and glowing if needed to attack. Bumping into someone, she yelped and her wand blasted.

"BACK OFF YOU WRINKLY WORM EATING BAG!"

And the poor Lizard father was flat against the ground with pink leeches sucking on him.

Toffee sighed. "And I thought we were getting along so well."

 "Toffee, oh geez!" She dispelled the little leeches, which wormed off in search of their next victim and she pulled up the lizard. "I'm sorry, you're not the worm eating wrinkly bag I was trying to attack!"

She gestured down to the shaking Avarius child in her arm. "The....bad man is around." She didn't know if Brudo's name would set Ludo off.

Toffee looked at the trembling monster before he glanced back at Star. He offered a curt nod.

"It's a lovely day for one to stroll into a fist, isn't it?"

 "Yeah!" she cheered. "And, you know, a mace and a ball and chain, and hot lava cake!" She propped the chick up in her arm. "But first, I gotta get Tweety Bird back to Mom!"

Star bolted back to the palace, keeping on that calm happy look on her face to keep Ludo settled, while rage boiled deep within. Even if she didn't like Ludo she'd still roast this bird for ever hurting one of his own children. Despicable. No low life that stooped low enough to harm his own flesh and blood deserved to live.

"Mom!" She tapped on the door, face strained. "Pea Brain needs cuddles."

 The door swung open and her eyes fell on the small monster, mouth dropping open at his state. "Ludo?" she murmured.

Ludo couldn't stop the quiver in his beak as he reached out to her. "Please?" he begged.

No sooner did he say that than Star blinked to find her arms empty and Moon's full with the Avarius.

Star put a hand on her Mother’s shoulder and grit her teeth inwardly. The smile she gave her mom was nothing short of terrifying. "Toffee and I have something to do soooo we'll be right back!"

Moon sputtered as she managed the squirming, muffled little bird and managed to call out, "Star Glitter Butterfly!" in that authoritative tone.

Star stopped and clenched her fists as she looked back.

The queen pat Ludo's head. Her eyes were cold as she matched her daughter's ferocity.

"Make sure no one sees you."

 Star beamed viciously and nodded, feeling a deep well of respect for her mother. She ran up to join Toffee.

"Man, I have been dying for some monster butt kicking, but I didn't think it would be against an abusive deadbeat!" She shrugged. "Who's complaining though?"

Toffee offered a humorless smile. "A different kind of monster entirely."

She punched into her open palm. "Hey! So what do we do first? I'm thinking porcupines to his face?"

 "Too quick," Toffee hummed. His golden orbs idly trailed the clouds forming in the blue, blissful sky, at peace, "You want to damage the limbs first. If you were to go straight to the face, it affects his senses. The pain would be decreased significantly." A small chuckle left him. "We can't have that."

 "Ehe...." Star gave a nervous laugh. "You...are unsettlingly knowledgeable at knowing how to torture someone. How often have you--never mind."

 Toffee remained silent, that small smile lining his lips as he waltzed through the darkening forest.

Star spun her wand with an icy sneer, walking next to her stepfather. She scowled as she sighed a fat tub of nothing in the distance. "He's still in the market. ...Think we can just lure him away with a chicken leg on a string?"

 "No, Star. I'm afraid not." Toffee dusted off his suit and never faltered in his steps. He was a septerian with a plan. "The most we will leave him is as is a chicken leg on a string."

 Back at the palace, Moon was with Ludo, running comforting fingers through her little bird's feathers. "Do you want to talk about it?"

 Ludo looked at her and rubbed an eye. He hated how weak he felt, but when he saw the bane and creation of his existence...

"I can't!"

 "We don't have to." She held him close. "But it might help. Did he see you? Did...he hurt you?" She tilted his head up to look at him.

 "No, no! I... I hid behind a goat-pig cluster and ran away..." he whined and covered his face, voice breaking, "l-like a little hatchling!"

 "Ludo." She held his face gently and tipped to look up at her again. "Ludo it isn't your fault, and you aren't weak, my little chick. That was a natural reaction."

 Ludo's face tensed with another round of tears. "But I'm not natural! I'm not normal! I'm abnormal!" he squawked out.

She gave a pensive frown and gently tapped his beak. "And what makes you think that, Ludo?"

A frustrated noise between a sob and a growl answered her before his arms flung out.

"Look at me!"

He squirmed out of her hold, an impressive feat, and stood at her kneecaps.

"I'm only a foot tall!"

His frantic tone only grew as he took a breath and started to hop. He leapt up and down, his silken sleeves flapping as he failed to fly.

"I c-can't fly! Oh, oh, and here's the real joke in this.. circus of a monster!"

Little feet stomped and tears lined the floor where he stood.

"I CAN'T STOP WETTING THE BED!"

It was true, Moon had learned that rather quickly when servants alerted her to wet bedsheets It seemed Ludo’s trauma went even deeper than she predicted, and it just made the enraged maternal side to her hope for whatever death Toffee had planned against the man would be very slow.

 "My Ludo...." She smiled sadly and knelt next to him.

"You know what else is a foot tall that everyone loves? Puppies. Just as precious as you."

"Ostriches can't fly," Moon pointed out. "They're birds. And Star likes ostriches, just as she likes you."

She stroked a hand softly very the little thing's cheek. "Everything you think about yourself is what you think, just what you think and nobody else. But it's still not your fault you're conditioned to think that way."

Her forehead bumped his softly. "I love you, chick sized, inability to fly, bed wetting and all. I don't see any of them as flaws."

Ludo stared at the soft face before him. Moon normally had this composed, regal look to her, the hardened, confident visage of a monarch who only focused on the best for her people. But when she looked at him... he felt like he was the only thing that mattered.

Tears streamed down his face and he didn't bother to hide them.

His chest grew tight and he clutched it, something rising up and constricting his throat as he shuddered out a breath.

She bit down on her lip. Perhaps she wasn't careful with her words. Ludo understandably was a curious sort. He didn't know how to handle love.

She didn't know what else to say that wouldn't freak him out. "Are you alright?" she asked softly, reaching down to pick him up. He did love to be held, much like a chick.

His form was tense and he seemed unable to gather his breath. He gasped, the world blurry around him. Watery eyes couldn't see, his pounding heart couldn't hear.

But he knew the grip of the queen's warm embrace and it was enough to make him speak. It exploded from him, a burst of emotion that bubbled in his chest. Uncertainty, fear, anxiety, doubt.

Love.

"I LOVE YOU, MAMA!"

He fell against her with a howl, fingers clutching her dress for dear life.

Did he just....? He finally did it. She had heard near slip ups before, ones that made her heart soar for a moment before he corrected himself. She'd never try to take a title she didn't deserve, or one he wasn't ready for.

Her arms enveloped him fully, fingers grazing through his feathers softly, knocking over the plastic little doll crown Star had given him until she could have one customly made.

"I love you too, My Ludo. I know you've been through more than anyone should...especially for a little one as young as you, but I hope...this has been home for you." She smiled as a tear dripped down.

The monster was unable to respond, but his tight grip on her arm was more than enough to tell her how deeply he had attached himself to her, to this castle, to this... family.

 Moon pressed kisses to the little bird's face and glanced over when she heard a rustling coming from the bushes. "I think the rest of our family is back." Probably with Brudo's head. Well....the castle could use more decoration.

Toffee emerged from the shrubbery, holding a branch so the princess could accompany him. He idly wiped off the last of the blood from his knuckles, tucking the formerly clean handkerchief, now red, into his pocket.

"Don't mind us."

Ah just a typical day for the Butterflies. Star gave a pleasant smile and tucked her wand into her pocket. "We stopped to get some fries and ketchup."

 Ludo sniffled, his head still against Moon's chest, but watching them in surprise. "You... did?"

"She wanted a calzone. I refused," Toffee responded idly. He seemed to realize something and he stepped forward. "Oh, yes, and before I forget, we found this and thought that you may want to keep it." The septerian shrugged. "Or toss it. I don't care."

Lord Brudo's hefty crown was placed on Ludo's head.

"Perfect fit," he hummed.

Ludo's wide eyes stared up at the crown, reaching up to touch it. He stared at the two, then back up at the crown.

He giggled.

Then laughed.

Then cackled.

Tears filled his eyes once again, and he gripped the crown on his head tightly, rolling in the queen's grip.

"This is the best day of my life!" he shrieked.

 Star crooned as she held her hands to her chest. "Aw, it's even got streaks of blood on it. For the memories," she chirped. "And now you don't have to worry about that assbird ever again!"

She blinked at Moon's glare. "What? Some situations call for a swear!"

Moon rolled her eyes. “I’ll let this one slide.”

Ludo suddenly squawked as he was yanked up into a heftier pair of arms, blinking up at River and pushing against his beard so it didn’t smother him and squawking again as their little group was crushed up against River’s side.

“Well, seems the crown finally came in, did it? Looks wonderful on you, boy! Might need some polishing though, it’s got some stains...”

[washingtonlaws-blog]

Delve, Episode 1: The New Hire

Epub File Here

Now a Fantasy World- your average, garden-variety, starter-kit Fantasy World and up- has to have one very vital thing to start it off right.  It needs one thing before it can fill up with heroes and spirits and mysteries and a complicated totally-unique magic system that your friends will love explaining to you in breathless detail.  It needs a failure.

Otherwise there’s nothing much to do.  For there to be ruins to explore, someone’s got to have ruined them.  Mines must go too deep so they can be properly abandoned and restocked with mysterious terror, past relationships must go sour so that secrets can boil beneath the surfaces of jilted lovers who simmer with frustrated sex appeal, a hero’s parents must die before or during their developmental stages to properly instill them with abandonment issues, and the Dark Lord must be almost vanquished but not quite so that he can come back with a literal vengeance.  

So for a Fantasy to be Fantastic, it needs to have a fantastic cock-up.

And then, the magic happens, and we discover what all these failures were, and the adventure lies therein to fix what went wrong, to stop the return of darkness for good this time, and to get everyone who’s been hiding their emotions from each other to either (A) tearily reveal them or (B) die dramatically and conveniently until the only people left have got their various love interests all good and sorted.  Then, the world continues apace, all the fantastic failures are done, and life can continue with ordinary failures.

That’s the general theme.  People learn from their mistakes, and don’t repeat the failures of history.

That’s why they call it fantasy.

And then, once the adventures are done with and the heroes have settled down and their magic swords have been turned to plowshares, we can leave a fantasy world behind.  It’s settled.  Everyone knows their place.

Unless, of course, you know, people forget, and settle into routines, and start to think the world around them is all there is, all there’s ever been, and the world outside is something that can just be ignored.  Until that world gets ignored so long it becomes something completely new.  Until rediscovery becomes such a forgotten skill, and yet so inevitable, that when it is practiced again it’s bound to result in a few mistakes.

Fantastic ones.

This story starts with an ordinary mistake, that will, of course, lead to discovering the bigger ones.

It starts with a bang.

 God, it’s a beautiful day, he thought.  Vode laid on his back and stared into the blue sky.  Blue, he thought.  So blue!  And clear!  Strange, though.  There should be clouds.

Now why did he think there should be clouds?  Also, why was he laying on his back?  He looked down his body and saw smoke rising off his boots.  Further down from his boots he saw a hole in a wall.  The hole looked very recent, and had smoking pouring out of it, too.  Smoke clouds, right.  Those were relevant, somehow.

He sat up, and saw the whole building that the wall was part of.  It was mildly on fire.  The last few seconds came back to him.

Ah, yes.  He had been blown up.

Well to be more accurate, he had been blown out, and to be more honest, he had blown himself up.  Vode patted himself down, found a few holes in his clothing but otherwise found himself intact, and wondered at what trick of physics had allowed the force of the explosion to demolish a wall while leaving him fairly whole.  But then, if he understood that, he would probably have understood enough to not have mixed those chemicals together in the first place.

Mr. Rensington stepped out of the hole in the wall, coughing and trying to wipe soot from his face with a smoldering rag.  He was a tall, ruddy man, with a curved posture that always made him loom over people like a bent tree.  He batted out small fires on the smock he wore over stained, heavy clothing.  He began to step slowly but deliberately towards Vode.

Vodelian laid back down again, trying to go still.  Predators can sense movement, and he assumed that extended to employers as well.

He had been apprenticed to the master alchemist for the better part of a week, which was a new record.  The time in stonemasonry had ended with shouts from a very angry man with a large brick on his toes, his term ended with the miners by a major accident, and even the ragpickers had decided not to pick him.  So he laid still, and tried to wait this one out.

“I’m sorry, Vode.” said Mr. Rensington without a trace of remorse in his voice, only with a trace of smoke.  “I just don’t think you’re going to work out here.  You’re a bright lad, really, but this requires someone more, well, methodical.  Consider my not charging you for the damages to be your severance pay.”

With that, the alchemist stepped back towards the smoking building, putting out a few last flickers of flame on his shoulders.  Vode stayed laying on the ground, trying to figure out if there was a point to standing up.  Maybe if he didn’t get up, his being fired would retroactively not happen.

Eventually, enough people were walking down the middle of the street that he was laying in that he decided to get up, if only to avoid having his head stepped on.

Vodelian Ragnajiit was short, dark, and sort of handsome in the nervous way some varieties of small dogs are.  He had close-cropped hair and was clean shaven, although it was getting towards the time where a five o’clock shadow was trying to show up against his dark skin.  Along with his clothing, he had all the signs of someone trying to look as clean-cut and proper as possible.  This was his interview clothing, and in fact was some of the only clothing he currently owned.

He was going to get more clothes, just as soon as any employment lasted long enough.  But this city, with its new towers springing up every month, with its fresh brick and surrounding old history, with all its opportunities open, had decided that those opportunities didn’t really apply to Vode.

His initial plan had been to join the great Ostwend Trading Company, which had its headquarters here. Now that was the life.  Go back and forth between exotic locales and watch numbers tick ever upwards on a ledger.  You also got to dress really nice.

But then Vode had actually gotten here and the Company had taken one look at his letter of recommendation and told him he’d have to wait for an opening, and with their current waiting list, they didn’t expect one for half a year.

Half a year.  With no backup plans, and the rent on his new room due, and most of his savings spent on interview clothes.

He had been a flurry of job applications after that, desperate, applying everywhere he could find.  His carefully laid plans for the future, if planning consisted of fantasizing and daydreaming, were suddenly mutable and changeable for any gig that would have him.  Vode would become anything, any walk of life, if it just meant not going back home!

Back home, where his family would be very kind, would nod at each other and welcome him back in, and then a day later would tell him they weren’t running a hotel and they heard that the neighbor’s kid had become a healer, why don’t you do that, it’s a respectable job.  Vode had heard healers had to deal with the sight of blood, so no thanks to that, and he also wanted the satisfaction of becoming something that his parents hadn’t suggested first.

Now he was wandering the streets and the day was passing by and the doors were all closing.  What was left?  Maybe he could join the town guard?  He’d have steady meals and a uniform, then, sure.  But Vode had seen the way the town guards looked at him, and he thought of all the times he’d drunkenly dealt with authority, and he wondered how they’d receive him.  He hadn’t seen too many foreigners in their ranks.

Can’t go back to the room without a promise of rent.  His mind was running in circles.  He started to look at alleyways and the eaves of buildings, thinking of where a good place to sleep might be.

Oh god, am I really thinking that? thought Vode.  Am I going to become destitute?  Homeless?  I don’t even know how to do that!  I’d probably get it all wrong and offend any other derelicts.

Then Vode stopped.  He found himself in front of a building, an old, old building, that looked like it had been passed over by the city’s shining growth.  It hunched its brick shoulders and slumped away into the background of the city, looking sullen at the new buildings and refusing to dance with them.  It had a heavy brass plaque next to its front gate that looked very official and spoke of a long history, but what Vode noticed was a cheap cardboard sign that read:  “HELP WANTED.”

He walked in without another moment’s thought.  He did not bother reading the words on the plaque, which quietly but definitively told the world that this was The Delver’s Guild, est. long ago, To Bring Light Where It Is Needed.

 The foyer Vode found himself standing in looked larger than it needed to be.  Walls of dark smoky wood stretched up to a vaulted ceiling with thick rafters.  There was a large fireplace set in one wall, full of ashy cobwebs.  There were several tables sized for variously sized crowds, but only one table in a corner was occupied by two old men who were either taking no notice of Vode or were quite possibly asleep.  There were some things hanging on the walls, shields, old posters, the head of a beast or two, all covered in dust.  It was a wasteland.

There was also a desk against the far wall with a clerk sitting at it.  She had her feet up and was reading a book.  A door behind her read OFFICIAL BUSINESS ONLY.

Vode walked right up to the desk and began to speak.

“Hello, I’m Vodelian Ragnajiit, and whatever it is, I can do it.  If I don’t know how to do it, I’ll start anyway and I’ll have learned it by the time I’m done.  I’m a hard worker, I work smarter, and I think my greatest flaw is a terror of wasps, but I will figure out how to get over it if you need me to remove a wasp’s nest.  I’m great at sales, purchasing, customer service, I can lift fifty pounds regularly, I can stand eight hours a day or eight hours a night, and I’m a motivated persevering initiative-taking extroverted people-oriented high-energy team-member with very nearly a food handler’s permit.”

He sat down.  He opened his mouth.  He realized didn’t have something else to say.

The clerk looked at him out of the corner of her eye.  She was pale, with brown hair tied back to control a riot of split ends.

“Alright.” she said.  “Well, we’ll consider your application, and then call you in for a followup interview.”

Vode’s face fell.  “Oh.  Right.  How long will that be?”

“Well.” she said. “Stand up.”

Vode stood up.

“Sit down.”

Vode sat down.

“Well Mr. Ragnajiit,” she said, and Vode was astounded she got his name right on the first try.  “We’ve looked over your application and would love to interview you.  Is now a good time?”

Vode blinked.  “Yes.” he said.

She opened up a drawer in the desk and pulled out a sheaf of dog-eared papers.

“Alright then.  Previous places of employment?”

Vode thought over the last few days.  “Alchemist, mason, miner, janitor, beekeeper-” he winced at that thought- “-carter, uh, barrel… making… person- what do you call that one?”

“A cooper, I think.” she said.

“Cooper, right.   Some other stuff.”

“I see.” she said.  She shuffled the papers, not looking at them.

“How fast can you run?”

Vode thought about this for a moment, and curled slightly in on himself as he tried to work out an answer that looked good. “Fairly… fast enough, I suppose?”

“That works.” she nodded.  “Does your family have any history of mental illness or plans to acquire one?”

“No and- ah, no.”

“Have you ever been shot in the face?”

Vode struggled for a moment, trying to decide if he should ask her to repeat that question.  Surely he misheard her.  But he didn’t want to appear inattentive.

“N-no.” he slowly said.

She glanced at the papers in front of her and muttered something that sounded like “Minimal Experience.”

“Alright.” she said.  “I’ll just go see the boss and I’ll be right back.”

She left the room through an old door, and Vode managed to count to just past ten before she came back out again.

“Well, we’ve considered your application very carefully and we’d like to welcome you to the company.  You can sleep above the kitchen, breakfast is in the morning as long as you help with the dishes, now come with me so you can meet the boss.”

“Oh.  Yes!  Wonderful.  Thank you very much, you won’t regret it.”  Vode felt the words coming out of him automatically, as his brain had a fit trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.  He stood up and began to follow the clerk, but managed to ask:  “Out of, well, curiosity, and just to help me get all ready and able, bring me up to speed and all that, uh... what company have I just joined?”

She smiled a tired smile.  “Welcome to the Delvers.”

 The offices of the Delver’s Guild were mostly quiet and sparsely populated.  The desks were barely separated by thin wooden partitions, which created a sense of division but still left everyone visible to everyone.  There was a sense that the room was built for busier times, to allow rushing bodies to bustle and push past each other, but now it resembled a theater after the audience has gone home and nothing’s been cleaned up yet.  There was an older woman knitting at one desk and looking quite at home, and a desk labelled CARTOGRAPHY DEPARTMENT had an ancient OUT sign on it with the requisite spiderweb hanging from its side*.  There were signs of life in the mailroom, which had been rented out as something of a proxy PO box by a distributor of mail-order catalogues and also occasionally hosted illicit dice games.

*In addition to the ability to sense vibrations, spiders also catch prey with a highly-focused sense of comedic timing.  If they did not have webs, they would have banana peels.  This also informs their mating habits.

A desk labelled HUMAN RESOURCES was occupied.

Nilnacular Torkwald had never been shot in the face.  He had a scar along his cheek that suggested otherwise, but the shot had only grazed along his face and never gotten directly in it.  A consummate opportunist, his aim in life was for District Manager, but the District Manager had ducked at the last minute and he'd hit a mailroom clerk instead.

He did not like his job.  Oh, he liked the title, but it required him to deal with people, and he considered people to be the least necessary part of a society.  Human Resources became a lot less exciting when you discovered it did not involve mining or chopping down anybody, and he’d disconsolately had to leave the pickaxe he’d bought at home.

Nil was lean, mean, and blonde.  He sat at his desk, which was piled high with papers to conceal a large number of small weapons, and he hunched over a random, disordered series of procurement reports like a predatory animal.  His eyes scanned over them without reading anything, while trying to hide his constant watchful glances at the District Manager's desk.

The front-desk clerk, what’s her name, Recca, she’d just come in and talked to the Manager.  Nil’s senses were on immediate alert.  Something was actually happening!  Things had been very dull as of late, which had been all feeding into Nil’s master plan to outlast everyone else, take a controlling share of the company, and mold it into his vision.  He wasn’t sure what that vision was yet, but with all the work he’d put into getting to it, he knew it was going to be a good one.

Then a young, dark man came walking in, looked fairly well dressed (if a bit rumpled), and Nil suddenly realized:  A new hire.

He gripped his desk, grabbed a random piece of paperwork, and tried to look like he was reading it as he watched.

 District Manager Dzerdzik Halffast had been shot in the face several times, as his eyepatch suggested.  However the eyepatch was due to an unrelated sports accident.  His chipped tooth, meanwhile, did in fact owe itself to being shot in the face:  He'd grinned at just the right moment and the arrow had been so discomfited by his disarming smile that it had decided "screw this", taken a bit of his incisor, and headed for the hills.

But now he was in management, and he hardly ever got shot in the face any more.

He regarded the new recruit, who was looking a bit nervous.  Dzerdzik gave a big gap-toothed grin, which only seemed to make the recruit more nervous.

“Well now, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Vodelian.” he said.  “Or Vode, if you don’t mind.”

Vode shook his head.

“And y’can call me Dzerd.”

“Um, thank you, mister, um, De-Zerd.”

“Ah, you’ll get the hang of it.” said the manager.  “I’d just like to first of all welcome you to the Delvers.  It’s been awhile since we had some new blood.  Or hell, any blood!”  He chuckled to himself.

“Really,” he continued.  “We could use someone to run some of our fresher errands.  I mean, some of the older staff- well, they’re not really get-up-and-go these days.  And the last I heard from our Senior Field Agent- Recca, just when did we last hear from Drawm?”

“The winter before last, sir.” said the clerk, who had lingered to assist the orientation.

Halffast sighed.  “I figure he’s lost again.  Or maybe he’s finally dead, for real this time.”

“You- you mentioned errands.” said Vode.  He hated to admit it, but he was a little intimidated.  The man in front of him had the build of a canvas sack full of tennis balls, and was at least a head shorter than Vode, but there was something big and tough and confident about him.  He wasn’t much to look at, but on the canvas of the world he sat like a stain, unsightly but ready to put up a fight before it’s gone.

“Just-” Vode gathered himself.  “I think I may be a little unclear on things, but just what do you do here?”

Halffast eyed Vode, and his grin was gone.  He didn’t look displeased or offended by the question.  He was just quiet, for a moment, and then he sighed and leaned back in his chair.  It was the sigh of someone taking a brief rest from a long, long trek.

“Isn’t that a shame?” he said.  “You have to ask.  There was a time when everyone knew what we did.  This city is here because of us!”  He gestured around him, letting the office surroundings stand in for the world at large.  “The Delvers!  We delved.  Into dark places, strange places, alien places, all the places everyone else wanted to go but needed someone else to go first.  Ah!  The things we found, that made kings!  The secrets we learned, that burned old tyrannies to the ground!  With just your wits, a fire, and maybe a sharp object or two you’d go where everyone else feared to tread, see if it was a place worth being, drive out the dangers that lurked there, solve the riddles left as a last puzzling legacy by forgotten peoples, find the forgotten lores of magic, and maybe even get rich.”

He’s going to say those were the days, realized Vode.

“Those were the days.” said Halffast.  “And it was alright, you know?  People got hurt, maybe reading the wrong inscription or pulling the wrong lever gave us the odd earthquake or pillar of fire or two, but overall it was profitable, and it made a difference.  But I guess- well, I guess we ran out of secret places.  Or at least ones worth finding.  Makes sense.  Eventually all the treasure gets found, all the caverns get mapped, all the lost royalty gets saved.  It was all bound to run out.”

Then he just sat there silently, looking into the distance with his teeth showing.

“So now…” Vode prompted.

“Oh, we’re sort of odd-jobbers now.”  Halffast tapped his thick fingers on the desk.  “The set-up we’ve got left is pretty ideal on keeping tabs on lotsa places.  So we run errands, we do surveys, we go get news and reports from places and get paid for the information.  A lot of stuff for governments and… trading companies.”  His voice seemed to slow on that last phrase.  He looked like he didn’t like the taste of it.

“Anyway.” He pointed at Vode.  “I’m sure Recca told you about the benefits.  It’s getting late, your spare place to sleep is all ready, in the morning you can get your first assignment from Nil Torkwald, that fellow over there with the scar who’s been watching us this whole time.”

There was the sound of a panicked flurry of papers from the direction of the Human Resources desk.

“You didn’t ask me if I already had a place to sleep.” said Vode.

“No, I didn’t.”  There was a knowing look.

 Vode settled into a worn cot under old blankets.  There was a wooden footlocker at the end of it, a small lantern next to it, and otherwise the room was fairly unadorned.  It was at least warm from the kitchen below it, and it was a sight better than trying to deal with the rent on his last place.  Here, now, he let himself settle back, his nerves too shot to think about what he was going to do in the morning.

Adventurers, huh, he thought as his brain tried to wind down.  What a strange old curiosity to find.  Well, it would keep him fed for awhile, until he could get a Real Job.  Yes, he’d sleep here for a bit, build up a presence that could get put on a resume, and then an opening in the Trading Companies would surely arrive and he would be off to the world.

He slept.  The world outside waited.

Next:  A Rapture of Raptors

[readbookywooks]

14 My eyes follow the line of her finger up into the foliage above me. At first, I have no idea what she's pointing to, but then, about fifteen feet up, I make out the vague shape in the dimming light. But of. of what? Some sort of animal? It looks about the size of a raccoon, but it hangs from the bottom of a branch, swaying ever so slightly. There's something else. Among the familiar evening sounds of the woods, my ears register a low hum. Then I know. It's a wasp nest. Fear shoots through me, but I have enough sense to keep still. After all, I don't know what kind of wasp lives there. It could be the ordinary leave-us-alone-and-we'll-leave-you-alone type. But these are the Hunger Games, and ordinary isn't the norm. More likely they will be one of the Capitol's muttations, tracker jackers. Like the jabberjays, these killer wasps were spawned in a lab and strategically placed, like land mines, around the districts during the war. Larger than regular wasps, they have a distinctive solid gold body and a sting that raises a lump the size of a plum on contact. Most people can't tolerate more than a few stings. Some die at once. If you live, the hallucinations brought on by the venom have actually driven people to madness. And there's another thing, these wasps will hunt down anyone who disturbs their nest and attempt to kill them. That's where the tracker part of the name comes from. After the war, the Capitol destroyed all the nests surrounding their city, but the ones near the districts were left untouched. Another reminder of our weakness, I suppose, just like the Hunger Games. Another reason to keep inside the fence of District 12. When Gale and I come across a tracker jacker nest, we immediately head in the opposite direction. So is that what hangs above me? I look back to Rue for help, but she's melted into her tree. Given my circumstances, I guess it doesn't matter what type of wasp nest it is. I'm wounded and trapped. Darkness has given me a brief reprieve, but by the time the sun rises, the Careers will have formulated a plan to kill me. There's no way they could do otherwise after I've made them look so stupid. That nest may be the sole option I have left. If I can drop it down on them, I may be able to escape. But I'll risk my life in the process. Of course, I'll never be able to get in close enough to the actual nest to cut it free. I'll have to saw off the branch at the trunk and send the whole thing down. The serrated portion of my knife should be able to manage that. But can my hands? And will the vibration from the sawing raise the swarm? And what if the Careers figure out what I'm doing and move their camp? That would defeat the whole purpose. I realize that the best chance I'll have to do the sawing without drawing notice will be during the anthem. That could begin any time. I drag myself out of my bag, make sure my knife is secured in my belt, and begin to make my way up the tree. This in itself is dangerous since the branches are becoming precariously thin even for me, but I persevere. When I reach the limb that supports the nest, the humming becomes more distinctive. But it's still oddly subdued if these are tracker jackers. It's the smoke, I think. It's sedated them. This was the one defense the rebels found to battle the wasps. The seal of the Capitol shines above me and the anthem blares out. It's now or never, I think, and begin to saw. Blisters burst on my right hand as I awkwardly drag the knife back and forth. Once I've got a groove, the work requires less effort but is almost more than I can handle. I grit my teeth and saw away occasionally glancing at the sky to register that there were no deaths today. That's all right. The audience will be sated seeing me injured and treed and the pack below me. But the anthem's running out and I'm only three quarters of the way through the wood when the music ends, the sky goes dark, and I'm forced to stop. Now what? I could probably finish off the job by sense of feel but that may not be the smartest plan. If the wasps are too groggy, if the nest catches on its way down, if I try to escape, this could all be a deadly waste of time. Better, I think, to sneak up here at dawn and send the nest into my enemies. In the faint light of the Careers' torches, I inch back down to my fork to find the best surprise I've ever had. Sitting on my sleeping bag is a small plastic pot attached to a silver parachute. My first gift from a sponsor! Haymitch must have had it sent in during the anthem. The pot easily fits in the palm of my hand. What can it be? Not food surely. I unscrew the lid and I know by the scent that it's medicine. Cautiously, I probe the surface of the ointment. The throbbing in my fingertip vanishes. "Oh, Haymitch," I whisper. "Thank you." He has not abandoned me. Not left me to fend entirely for myself. The cost of this medicine must be astronomical. Probably not one but many sponsors have contributed to buy this one tiny pot. To me, it is priceless. I dip two fingers in the jar and gently spread the balm over my calf. The effect is almost magical, erasing the pain on contact, leaving a pleasant cooling sensation behind. This is no herbal concoction that my mother grinds up out of woodland plants, it's high-tech medicine brewed up in the Capitol's labs. When my calf is treated, I rub a thin layer into my hands. After wrapping the pot in the parachute, I nestle it safely away in my pack. Now that the pain has eased, it's all I can do to reposition myself in my bag before I plunge into sleep. A bird perched just a few feet from me alerts me that a new day is dawning. In the gray morning light, I examine my hands. The medicine has transformed all the angry red patches to a soft baby-skin pink. My leg still feels inflamed, but that burn was far deeper. I apply another coat of medicine and quietly pack up my gear. Whatever happens, I'm going to have to move and move fast. I also make myself eat a cracker and a strip of beef and drink a few cups of water. Almost nothing stayed in my stomach yesterday, and I'm already starting to feel the effects of hunger. Below me, I can see the Career pack and Peeta asleep on the ground. By her position, leaning up against the trunk of the tree, I'd guess Glimmer was supposed to be on guard, but fatigue overcame her. My eyes squint as they try to penetrate the tree next to me, but I can't make out Rue. Since she tipped me off, it only seems fair to warn her. Besides, if I'm going to die today, it's Rue I want to win. Even if it means a little extra food for my family, the idea of Peeta being crowned victor is unbearable. I call Rue's name in a hushed whisper and the eyes appear, wide and alert, at once. She points up to the nest again. I hold up my knife and make a sawing motion. She nods and disappears. There's a rustling in a nearby tree. Then the same noise again a bit farther off. I realize she's leaping from tree to tree. It's all I can do not to laugh out loud. Is this what she showed the Gamemakers? I imagine her flying around the training equipment never touching the floor. She should have gotten at least a ten. Rosy streaks are breaking through in the east. I can't afford to wait any longer. Compared to the agony of last night's climb, this one is a cinch. At the tree limb that holds the nest, I position the knife in the groove and I'm about to draw the teeth across the wood when I see something moving. There, on the nest. The bright gold gleam of a tracker jacker lazily making its way across the papery gray surface. No question, it's acting a little subdued, but the wasp is up and moving and that means the others will be out soon as well. Sweat breaks out on the palms of my hands, beading up through the ointment, and I do my best to pat them dry on my shirt. If I don't get through this branch in a matter of seconds, the entire swarm could emerge and attack me. There's no sense in putting it off. I take a deep breath, grip the knife handle and bear down as hard as I can. Back, forth, back, forth! The tracker jackers begin to buzz and I hear them coming out. Back, forth, back, forth! A stabbing pain shoots through my knee and I know one has found me and the others will be honing in. Back, forth, back, forth. And just as the knife cuts through, I shove the end of the branch as far away from me as I can. It crashes down through the lower branches, snagging temporarily on a few but then twisting free until it smashes with a thud on the ground. The nest bursts open like an egg, and a furious swarm of tracker jackers takes to the air. I feel a second sting on the cheek, a third on my neck, and their venom almost immediately makes me woozy. I cling to the tree with one arm while I rip the barbed stingers out of my flesh. Fortunately, only these three tracker jackers had identified me before the nest went down. The rest of the insects have targeted their enemies on the ground. It's mayhem. The Careers have woken to a full-scale tracker jacker attack. Peeta and a few others have the sense to drop everything and bolt. I can hear cries of "To the lake! To the lake!" and know they hope to evade the wasps by taking to the water. It must be close if they think they can outdistance the furious insects. Glimmer and another girl, the one from District 4, are not so lucky. They receive multiple stings before they're even out of my view. Glimmer appears to go completely mad, shrieking and trying to bat the wasps off with her bow, which is pointless. She calls to the others for help but, of course, no one returns. The girl from District 4 staggers out of sight, although I wouldn't bet on her making it to the lake. I watch Glimmer fall, twitch hysterically around on the ground for a few minutes, and then go still. The nest is nothing but an empty shell. The wasps have vanished in pursuit of the others. I don't think they'll return, but I don't want to risk it. I scamper down the tree and hit the ground running in the opposite direction of the lake. The poison from the stingers makes me wobbly, but I find my way back to my own little pool and submerge myself in the water, just in case any wasps are still on my trail. After about five minutes, I drag myself onto the rocks. People have not exaggerated the effects of the tracker jacker stings. Actually, the one on my knee is closer to an orange than a plum in size. A foul-smelling green liquid oozes from the places where I pulled out the stingers. The swelling. The pain. The ooze. Watching Glimmer twitching to death on the ground. It's a lot to handle before the sun has even cleared the horizon. I don't want to think about what Glimmer must look like now. Her body disfigured. Her swollen fingers stiffening around the bow. The bow! Somewhere in my befuddled mind one thought connects to another and I'm on my feet, teetering through the trees back to Glimmer. The bow. The arrows. I must get them. I haven't heard the cannons fire yet, so perhaps Glimmer is in some sort of coma, her heart still struggling against the wasp venom. But once it stops and the cannon signals her death, a hovercraft will move in and retrieve her body, taking the only bow and sheath of arrows I've seen out of the Games for good. And I refuse to let them slip through my fingers again! I reach Glimmer just as the cannon fires. The tracker jackers have vanished. This girl, so breathtakingly beautiful in her golden dress the night of the interviews, is unrecognizable. Her features eradicated, her limbs three times their normal size. The stinger lumps have begun to explode, spewing putrid green liquid around her. I have to break several of what used to be her fingers with a stone to free the bow. The sheath of arrows is pinned under her back. I try to roll over her body by pulling on one arm, but the flesh disintegrates in my hands and I fall back on the ground. Is this real? Or have the hallucinations begun? I squeeze my eyes tight and try to breathe through my mouth, ordering myself not to become sick. Breakfast must stay down, it might be days before I can hunt again. A second cannon fires and I'm guessing the girl from District 4 has just died. I hear the birds fall silent and then one give the warning call, which means a hovercraft is about to appear. Confused, I think it's for Glimmer, although this doesn't quite make sense because I'm still in the picture, still fighting for the arrows. I lurch back onto my knees and the trees around me begin to spin in circles. In the middle of the sky, I spot the hovercraft. I throw myself over Glimmer's body as if to protect it but then I see the girl from District 4 being lifted into the air and vanishing. "Do this!" I command myself. Clenching my jaw, I dig my hands under Glimmer's body, get a hold on what must be her rib cage, and force her onto her stomach. I can't help it, I'm hyperventilating now, the whole thing is so nightmarish and I'm losing my grasp on what's real. I tug on the silver sheath of arrows, but it's caught on something, her shoulder blade, something, and finally yank it free. I've just encircled the sheath with my arms when I hear the footsteps, several pairs, coming through the underbrush, and I realize the Careers have come back. They've come back to kill me or get their weapons or both. But it's too late to run. I pull a slimy arrow from the sheath and try to position it on the bowstring but instead of one string I see three and the stench from the stings is so repulsive I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm helpless as the first hunter crashes through the trees, spear lifted, poised to throw. The shock on Peeta's face makes no sense to me. I wait for the blow. Instead his arm drops to his side. "What are you still doing here?" he hisses at me. I stare uncomprehendingly as a trickle of water drips off a sting under his ear. His whole body starts sparkling as if he's been dipped in dew. "Are you mad?" He's prodding me with the shaft of the spear now. "Get up! Get up!" I rise, but he's still pushing at me. What? What is going on? He shoves me away from him hard. "Run!" he screams. "Run!" Behind him, Cato slashes his way through the brush. He's sparkling wet, too, and badly stung under one eye. I catch the gleam of sunlight on his sword and do as Peeta says. Holding tightly to my bow and arrows, banging into trees that appear out of nowhere, tripping and falling as I try to keep my balance. Back past my pool and into unfamiliar woods. The world begins to bend in alarming ways. A butterfly balloons to the size of a house then shatters into a million stars. Trees transform to blood and splash down over my boots. Ants begin to crawl out of the blisters on my hands and I can't shake them free. They're climbing up my arms, my neck. Someone's screaming, a long high pitched scream that never breaks for breath. I have a vague idea it might be me. I trip and fall into a small pit lined with tiny orange bubbles that hum like the tracker jacker nest. Tucking my knees up to my chin, I wait for death. Sick and disoriented, I'm able to form only one thought: Peeta Mellark just saved my life. Then the ants bore into my eyes and I black out.

[goddessgardener]

Dig a Little, Dream a Lot

By Cynthia Brian

“Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, & let every New-Year find you a better Man.” Benjamin Franklin

Resolutions, goals, a fresh start. Does January bring out your best efforts in wishful thinking as you embark on a new year or do you have the stamina and mindfulness to actually fulfill your gardening dreams? The famous English gardener and writer, Vita Sackville-West, wrote: “The most noteworthy thing about gardeners is that they are always optimistic, always enterprising, and never satisfied. They always look forward to doing something better than they have ever done before.”  Although Vita died in 1962, her gardens at Sissinghurst survive as a national treasure, thriving with seasonal beauty and tender care from volunteers. I was fortunate enough to travel the grounds last year and marvel, even in the rain, at the expanse of her horticultural involvement. Vita’s quote definitely describes my personal gardening mantra as my motto has always been “Failure is fertilizer. Throw the mistake on the compost pile to grow a new garden.”  In other words, mistakes, or malfattis as we say in Italian are always an experiment in something new…and maybe even a better creation. I don’t rest on my bay laurels but keep on striving.

One of my favorite global excursions is to visit gardens everywhere I travel. Exploring gardens, great and small, is a wonderful way to expand one’s horticultural intelligence while gathering ideas for one’s own plot. At the top of my resolution list for 2017 I’ve designated garden hopping as a must-do. In the past few weeks, I’ve had numerous emails from readers of this column with questions, comments, and aspirations as well as ambitious dreams for gardening in 2017.  Here are ideas you may wish to employ this year as you dig a little and dream a lot!

⎫ Get your children and grandchildren engaged in gardening activities. Virtues, skills, and life itself are learned in the garden. ⎫ Be brave. Experiment more. Worry less. There are no brown thumbs. ⎫ Plant more seeds to watch the wonder of sprouting. ⎫ Grow more vegetables and herbs in your pots or potager for a healthier plant to plate palate. Consume, share, preserve to eliminate waste. ⎫ Photograph your garden often and keep records of what blooms when, what works where, and what you want to edit. ⎫ Install a water-saving irrigation system. ⎫ Donate extra produce to a food bank. ⎫ When time is limited, hire help. ⎫ Compost, compost, compost. (see composting recipe below) ⎫ Visit botanical gardens wherever you travel. ⎫ Encourage pollinators to take up residence by planting and offering habitat that attract them. Birds, bees, bats, hummingbirds, and butterflies are precious protectors. ⎫ Eliminate insecticides and pesticides. Research companion planting. ⎫ Mulch more to reduce weeds, keep the soil warm or cool depending on the weather, and stop soil erosion. ⎫ Take a class to expand your knowledge. ⎫ Be more realistic. ⎫ Find interesting outdoor accents to use in the landscape like vintage windows, doors, or Victorian gazing balls. ⎫ Add one or more water elements. ⎫ Start saving special seeds. ⎫ Propagate from cuttings. ⎫ Plant a garden or pots in a patio for the first time. ⎫ Add a new rosebush. ⎫ Plant a cutting garden for creating beautiful bouquets year round. ⎫ Sow a path of fragrance with lavender, jasmine, honeysuckle, or other sweet-smelling shrubs. ⎫ Become more aware of the natural world by paying attention to the sounds, smells, and sights. ⎫ Make your garden drought tolerant with succulents. ⎫ Resolve to utilize organic gardening methods. ⎫ Begin keeping a journal of your outdoor endeavors. ⎫ Use tropical plants indoors as air purifiers as well as décor focal points. ⎫ Enjoy your garden more, slave less. Spend at least 15 minutes every day admiring your beautiful handiwork in conjunction with nature.

Since getting in shape or losing weight is the number one New Year’s resolution that is rarely kept, remember that gardening provides an excellent workout with the digging, tilling, weeding, raking, mowing, moving, planting, and climbing. Plus gardening is great fun.  My hope for you is that you will adopt one or more of these tips as your gardening promise for the year. Be enterprising. Do things better than you ever did before. Be optimistic. Be the STAR you are.

As we take a moment to reflect on the past and look forward to the future, share your gardening dreams for 2017. Email me, Cynthia@GoddessGardener.com.

Cynthia Brian’s Garden Guidelines for January ⎫ Compost Recipe: Keep a bucket with a lid on it in the garage or other storage area to fill with your kitchen scraps, shredded newspaper, coffee grinds, tea bags, fish bones (no meat products), and egg shells. Dump daily in an outdoor bin or pile. Add leaves and other brown materials, grass and plant clippings, and garden waste. Keep moist. Turn often with a spade or pitchfork. When the material looks and feels like a damp chocolate cake mix with an aroma of the earth, spread in your beds. ⎫ With the flu and colds that seem to be ubiquitous, make sure to keep lots of citrus on hand, especially oranges and lemons which have a high concentration of vitamin C, citric acid, calcium, iron, fiber, and B complex vitamins. Squeeze lemon juice on salads, vegetables, meat, and, of course, in your water to keep you hydrated. Even cut flowers benefit from drops of lemon juice in the vase, helping the water to travel from the stems to the flowers. Scatter the peels on any acid loving plants in your garden including roses, azaleas, rhododendrons, and fuchsias as a natural fertilizer. ⎫ It’s time to do your heavy pruning on your roses. Cut out any dead wood. Prune roses to about knee height. Although many people assume that roses are fussy, they really are quite tolerant providing months of luscious blooms. ⎫ Buy and plant bare-root roses, berries, vines, and fruit trees now following the instructions on the packaging. ⎫ Spray an application of dormant spray on peaches and other fruit trees to kill overwintering insects. ⎫ Peruse catalogues for ideas for spring and summer flowers. ⎫ Make fragrant potpourri from cut flowers.

Happy Gardening and Happy Growing! Happy, Healthy, Auspicious New Year!

Dig a little, dream a lot!

Read ore: https://www.lamorindaweekly.com/archive/issue1023/Digging-Deep-Dig-a-Little-Dream-A-Lot-in-2017.html

©2017 Cynthia Brian The Goddess Gardener StarStyle® Productions, llc Cynthia@GoddessGardener.com www.GoddessGardener.com 925-377-STAR Tune into Cynthia’s Radio show at www.StarStyleRadio.net I am available as a speaker, designer, and consultant.  

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TWITTER: It's cold, raining, snowing, and holiday season is coming to a close. What's happening in your garden? http://ow.ly/csEN307y3ES

Cynthia Brian’s Gardening Guide for January https://www.lamorindaweekly.com/archive/issue1022/January-Gardening-Guide-Season-Greenings-for-the-New-Year.html

Season’s Greenings By Cynthia Brian

“Winter is in my head, but eternal spring is in my heart!” Victor Hugo

The festivities of holidays are almost over, winter has arrived, and our hills are once again the lush emerald that we, and the cattle adore.  Congratulate yourself on a year well-spent growing your own food and tending to your plants. Now it is time to put your gardens to bed and give yourself a bit of respite. With the colder weather, we are fortunate that lemons, grapefruit, and tangelos are ripe to help us stay healthy.

There is still time to plant bulbs through the end of January for a late spring show. All bulbs need well-drained soil, full sun, or partial shade. Avoid planting in soggy soils where the bulbs will rot. Instead of lining bulbs up in a row, scatter them in clusters for a more natural look. Since deer, squirrels, raccoons, and rabbits enjoy eating many bulb flowers, experiment with planting narcissus cultivars, snowflakes, and snow drops (galanthus) as these repel the critters with their toxicity.

Speaking of critters, our readers enjoyed the article on keeping unwanted guests from taking refuge in homes. From the response, it is apparent that this season of green has indeed brought the rodents to our doorsteps in increasing numbers. Excellent advice came to me from Jenny Papka of Native Bird Connections. With her permission, I am printing her edited suggestions here: “What you term as "vermin" actually misleads people, since rodents, skunks, wasps and even mosquitoes are necessary in Nature. Yes they are annoying in many cases, but it is important to be respectful of why they can actually be good. Rodents are like chocolate for almost all young wild animals, and often are a life-long food source for many. The advice given about getting rid of ivy, etc is helpful, yet other animals will also be impacted. For example, Barn owls nest in palm trees, especially the dead frond areas just under the green crown. Barn owls are the BEST rodent controllers around and other than applauding their presence we do not have to do anything. Obviously we don't want rodents inside our houses or out buildings, yet annihilation is not ideal for anyone. The advice listed is excellent particularly about what we are responsible for doing around our houses.

In Contra Costa County, skunks are officially considered rabies vectors. This is NOT true in other counties. Obviously caution should always be utilized but seeing a skunk, even in the daytime, does not automatically indicate that it is sick. Skunks are omnivores and will eat many of the bothersome creatures we dislike, snails, slugs, rodents, fruit, and yellow jacket larvae. Skunks look for mates in early spring (Feb usually) otherwise they are solitary and crepuscular. So most of the year they are not obvious. This year is a "rebound year" as well, especially for rodents since last year was so dry. The rain this year promises more grass/food so rodents are producing large families. Information and education really increases tolerance and better, more humane choices. Thank you for a good article.”

Jenny also mentioned that it is illegal (and inhumane) to trap and relocate any wildlife. She also does not suggest acquiring cats as rodent control because cats are responsible for the deaths of millions of birds daily, another contentious subject.

Other ways to eliminate the rodents is to install barn owl boxes to encourage owls to your yard. Areas with heavy Great horned owl presence usually will not support barn owl populations (Great horned eat barn owls) but any owl is good for rodent control. Native Bird Connections has boxes available at Wild Birds Unlimited in Pleasant Hill for a $100 donation. Also of importance is to not use the sticky traps as they can entangle other animals creating suffering and a lingering death. Ninety percent of wildlife in the San Francisco Bay Area has rodenticides in their tissues including coyotes, bobcats, and foxes according to WildCare in Marin. This means that the use of poisons for all applications move through the food chain and should be avoided. My advice is to contact Vector Control at 925-771-6142 or visit www.ContraCostaMosquito.com when you have questions or concerns.

Enjoy the cold nights, the rainy days, and the season’s greening. Thanks for allowing me to be your gardening guide on the side. Get ready for great new year of horticultural joys.

Cynthia Brian’s January New Year Gardening Tips:

⎫ BRING health inside with power plants of ferns, palms, spider plants, and other air-cleansing specimens. Tropical houseplants absorb indoor toxins and add humidity to the air saving you dollars on heating. ⎫ BUY a copy of “Great Garden Quotes”, a coloring book with wit, wisdom, and heart from the editors of GreenPrints, the Weeders Digest. Pat Stone, the editor, was a co-author with me on Chicken Soup for the Gardener’s Soul. You’ll love this new coloring book with inspiring garden axioms. www.GreenPrints.com ⎫ ALLOW the organic matter of chopped leaves and lawn clippings to decompose on the soil during the dormant season. ⎫ ADD a cover crop to keep soil healthy, avoid erosion, and help with fertility. ⎫ PICK Meyer lemons and use for juicing, cooking, and baking. This rich citrus will help fend off colds. ⎫ PROTECT tender plants from frost by covering with burlap or cloth. Do not use plastic as it will maximize the freeze. ⎫ PRUNING for dormant fruit trees and shrubs begins this month. ⎫ TIDY your yard by cutting back your chrysanthemums to six inches above the ground, and removing dead foliage from plants. ⎫ SPRAY your peach trees with a concoction of fixed copper or lime sulfur after all the leaves have fallen from the tree to control peach leaf curl. Repeat this process in late January and February for best results. ⎫ PLANT bareroot stock such as grapes, berries, artichokes, roses, and several fruit trees. ⎫ PRUNE roses, vines, and berry bushes to encourage new growth. ⎫ CUT bouquets of geranium flowers for indoors and snip pieces to plant in other areas. ⎫ DONATE $100 to Native Bird Connections and receive an owl box for your garden. ⎫ REMOVE all ornaments, lights, and tinsel from your Christmas trees before placing on the curb for composting pick-up. ⎫ EXPRESS gratitude for all the green that nature is bestowing on us!

Happy Gardening and Happy Growing! Happy, Healthy, Auspicious New Year! See the photos and READ more: https://www.lamorindaweekly.com/archive/issue1022/January-Gardening-Guide-Season-Greenings-for-the-New-Year.html

©2017 Cynthia Brian The Goddess Gardener StarStyle® Productions, llc Cynthia@GoddessGardener.com www.GoddessGardener.com 925-377-STAR Tune into Cynthia’s Radio show at www.StarStyleRadio.net I am available as a speaker, designer, and consultant.