#full of cheese

[midnightmoonbeams]

Sivelos drew Garchomp and Hydreigon! Awoomy is full of, well, woomy! Paperhats on the other hand, is full of SERVER ERROR. Epcot drew Chuck E. Cheese, full of Cheese. This Japanese player drew Jelonzo, saying, "Please don't disparage clientele. They're here to shop, not hear a fop roast them for not being fresh, Jel!"

From October 21st, 2022

[iceemoondemon]

full of cheese

hehe funni

[knitmeatardis]

[rumiracle]

i posted this to twitter and they liked it so maybe you will too

[cuppajj]

i love this audio and this needs to be them and YAAAAAA

(This is not a ship post)

[YT link]

[bet-on-me-13]

The Fentonworks Mega-Lab.

So! AU where the Fentonworks Labs actually stretch Miles upon Miles below the City of Amity Park.

It started when the Fentons wanted to add a simple addition to the original Lab when they ran out of space to store their more dangerous weapons. They didn't want their (at the time) young children getting their hands on their experimental Weaponry, it could blow up in their faces!

So they built a different Wing of the Lab to hold all those Inventions.

Then they ran out of space and added a few extra Storage Rooms. But then they decided it was a hassle to have to carefully transport their Dangerous Inventions all the way to the Storage Rooms, and built a Lab specifically for Dangerous Experiments near that same Section. Then that Lab was occupied for a while, and Jack wanted to start a different experiment as well, so they built a few more.

In the end they just never stopped building onto their Labs.

There are sections of the Mega-Lab that are entirely walled off because a few of their more unstable Experiments contaminated the area. Walking into them was not recommended, else you could walk out with an extra eye or 5.

In other sections, their Captured Ghosts had taken over a few Labs and created a sort of Mad Max style civilization using their discarded weapons and vehicles.

In another, all Ghosts became Humans and all Humans became Ghosts. That was a weird one, to this day they still didn't understand how they pulled that off.

In another, some type of Eldritch Time Ghost had been born, and now sort of always existed and never existed, and began experimenting with its powers. They nicknamed it Clocky because it liked to carry around a stopwatch.

And so many more. At one point a failed Portal Experiment messed with the internal Space of the entire thing. Now there was literally no way of Mapping it. The Fentons still somehow managed to navigate it perfectly.

When Jazz and Danny grew up, they too learned how to navigate the Labs, which is how Danny managed to show his friends the Portal Experimentation Wing in the first place.

Unfortunately, it wasn't safe for anyone aside from the Fentons to enter the Mega-Labs, so one day when the Fenton Family+friends left town on a Week Long Camping/Road Trip, they put up a few Ghost Shields to keep both Humans out and the Ghosts in.

This drew some unwanted attention after some tourists saw the giant Glowng Green Building in the middle of an Illinois Town, and rightfully called the Justice League.

Now, the Justice League had tried to call the owners of the house, but nobody picked up the phone. (An incident with Jack and a Canoe had knocked most of their phones into the lake. They weren't even at the lake yet.)

When nobody picked up, they decided to investigate personally.

After getting into the House, they quickly found a door labeled "Labs: Do Not Enter (unless it we are late for Dinner)" and went into ignoring all the warnings.

They quickly regretted it.

[gatoiberico]

link link link

[wilimia]

Snack for the road

[pouletpourri]

hatsune miku and the pines twins, but everyone's brazilian

[bread-wizards]

"We are leaderless, drifting, going on instinct and love."

[seventh-district]

Making Incorrect H:SR Quotes Until I Run Out of (hopefully) Original Ideas - Pt. 4 - Nuthin' but Boothill Edition

[Pt. 1] [Pt. 2] [Pt. 3] [Pt. 5] [Pt. 6]

[vladdyissues]

Do you think Vlad would trust any servant or groom to take care of Dani?

I think it depends on how true to canon one chooses to view Vlad’s character.

Since I prefer to ignore his canon attitude toward Danielle in favor of being an actual loving parent, I think he'd be completely and personally devoted to her care.

There's also the issue of Dani being a halfa—and/or an unstable clone, requiring special attention—which I think Vlad would be hesitant to pass off to a human nanny, even if there was an NDA or other special contract in place beforehand. She's far too precious, even for a $500-per-hour au pair with sterling credentials.

"Don't worry, pumpkin, Daddy will make sure everything is perfect!"

(Daddy is exhausted from having to do everything himself)

[whitegownsandflowercrowns]

Ok so I’m not trying to call anyone out or insinuate things but I really don’t like it when people have “oh my god poor helaena she doesn’t want to be at the funeral she doesn’t want to hurt team black her trauma is being exploited by her evil bitch mother and brother uwu” takes.

Because yes, Helaena is a much kinder and gentler person than most of the Greens. Yes, she was barely involved in the war. But, believe it or not, she is actually capable of independent thought and comprehension beyond being “the nice one.”

She watched her son be killed in front of her. Her daughter threatened with rape. Her other son told that she wants him dead. All because of her sister and uncle, people that have no war with her or her children, people that only two weeks ago were enjoying her company at dinner. You’re telling me that she feels no anger or resentment towards these people? At all? That nowhere, nowhere in the corner of her mind, nowhere does she want the people of King’s Landing to understand their brutality?

Look I know that people already think that autistic people are sweet little innocent uwu small beans who could never feel a negative emotion towards anyone in their life and who are incapable of comprehending anything as complex as politics and war, but this is getting ridiculous. And you know what? Maybe when the season comes out she will have been forced to go to the funeral, and I’ll eat my words. But for now, can we please not do this?

[the-friendly-entity]

[ ~"Creeme Public meets the human"~ ] - Cookie Run

You are a Human who found the Earthbread! Meeting cookies all around! how do the cookies react to seeing a human in their kingdom?

Part 1 | Part 2

What contains? Very long post, Odyssey Chapter Spoilers(?, Very Deep Topics, Metion of kill and dead

Can be visualized as? Friendship Relation Ship (stableshed to the last two Parts), Cookies meeting you!

Sinse you adventure arround the Earthbread, Cookies are start to get comfortable arround you, Mostly the Cookies who live in the Custard Cookie III Kingdom, Others who as been accept you due the Aprovals of the Acient Cookies, as you progress being arround the cookies helping them and conviven with them, slowly they start to not be afreid of you, rather love to be with you!

Of corse due this your preces is well know by now by the cookies of all the kingdoms, talking about you most of the time, all this voices slowly go to other parts of the Earthbread more far away, arriving to the Cremee Public

It was not normal a Human convived with Cookies, the last thing regristed appart of the Witchers was the Wizards who was the only close human thing who treat Cookies as equals, but was for decades ago until they desapear

Due you unexpected arrival of the Cookies earth, this caugth the attencion of one specific group of cookies, The Council of Heroes

It was just matter of the time the Council hear about you due the cookies who spear the voice to the Creeme Public, they could not belive about a human in they world, but this rumors as been souding more and more, related to Acients and Gingerbrave itself, making less hard to belive it just make out or Fake

They worries soon has start to been discusted about you, why are you here? what you want? and what was you real intencion? this was one of the only chance to investagate about the humans/Witchers an understand more behind Cookie History Itself

And soon a letter from the Council arrive at the Custard Cookie III Kingdom, Surprising your Cookie friends due was writed for you

GingerBrave Cookie: "Dear Witcher, we invite you to our Republic to meet face to face and knowing more about you, this invitacion will be and purely with pacifist intencions, if you accept, we will make sure to make a place so we can talk comfortable without cause any troble, Sinsery the Council", Why they want to Meet [Y/N] Out of knowere?

-Gingerbrave says confused, due he dint talk to anyone from the Council to even tell about your existence-

Wizard Cookie: It very Obvius GingerBrave, They alredy hear about [Y/N] becuse of the adventure we have to meet the rest of the kingdoms and the acient cookies! [Y/N] Is in the radar of everyone cookies and everyone wants to know what REALLY [Y/N] is

Strawberry Cookie: Oh no, does that mean [Y/N] is in troble? but dint do anything bad to be call, does they want to hurt or do something bad to [Y/N]?

Custard Cookie III: Even if they try to do something with [Y/N], [Y/N] is under MY Kingdom protecion, if something happen to [Y/N] they have to deal with me!

-Custard Cookie III says a little angry and annoyed, after all you showed nothing but kindness and someone who there to help others, you win your place in Custard Coookie III Kingdom and as a reward you under his protecion-

As yourself you dint know what to think or say, you was worried all over again, what they want to do to you, does they want to hurt you? so many questions for you and the Cookies, but no much idea what to do

With this unknow circustances, letters as been send to the Acients to try to seek for anserws, the Acients dint like the Council start to intevied with all this situacion, mostly knowing they could do unmoral things to archive what they want or what they want to know

Due the circustances and knowing a "No" as a responde of the invitacion could cause problematic things in the future from part of the Council, they decide to the better decicion is accepting the invitacion, and mostly guard you to keep you safe and to keep eyes of what happen in the Republic

They never expect to have to deal with you sooner...or well, way sooner of they thougth, but they know you dint nothing wrong, you just attrack to many unwanted eyes, something start to also worried the Acients....

As with your small boat start to go to the cremet public with your cookie friends and acients on board, you head was full of questions, it was the same was with the acients yes but at the same time not, becuse the aceints was with you, feeling this was something way more heavy as was, wondering what happen once you arrive? the least you want is cause chaos or a drama, more and more thoughst was fully your mind was starting to hurt

Dark Cacao Cookie: I can see you worries Human, but think will not help your situacion, we wil make sure to keep everything in ease or for the woerse keep you protected

-Dark Cacao has noticed you expression of worried, something that caught you off guard due was focus in your thoguths-

Golden Cheese Cookie: Yea, what ever these guys want from you i will not let just take you for what ever they want

Pure Vanilla Cookie: What ever happens, you are safe with us [Y/N], we gonna make sure nothing bad happen to you

Thanks of the words of the acients, you feel a little better, what ever happens is right you not alone in this, just hoping things go out well..

After a long journy to the Creme Republic, you was surprised to find this huge city, you was expecting to be like the acients kingdoms, but this was other level, the place so white and clean and the water feel so clean so diferente of cand-ish water you was starting to get use to it

The firts one to "greeting" all of you was Capitan Carviar Cookie, who was waiting near the waters to scool you all where the concil is going to see you, he mostly was annoyed, he dint belive in the rumors, was too crazy to be real, a Witch in the cookie kingdom? it was too ridicolus, but the Council was too worried to be true he just follow them, so was a absotluly surprised seeing the rumors was true

even so, he let his surprised aside and soon you and the cookies was near, gides you where the Council is, a place was a little far away of the city, alredy your big size let the cokies of all the leves of the republic see you, was a little of panic and fear from all the cookies for this "giant monster", but the paladins make sure to keep everyone calm and go back of what they doing

Once there, it was justa improvise place the Council made to meet you, of corse was full of paladins, ready to charge the firts order was giving but a little away so not to scared you or treathing you

The Council itself was well, surprised, confused, and shoked and worried, they expected you was big, but not this big, seeing they faces of unconfrtable of you, not a big surrpsied...

Clotted Cream Cookie: welcome to the Creme Republic! i most apologuies for this aproche, we dint expect to meet you this way but due all the cookies was talking about you we wanted to meet you as soon as posible

-Clotted Cream Cookie was the firts one to spoke, even he show surrpised from your exitence he never show sing of unconfrotable or disgust from you-

Mulled Juice Cookie: so this is the witch everyone is talking about, i must confest, im impressed..

-says Mulled Juice Cookie, examinating you up and down with such interest, after all you just a alive legend it was only spook in books and old writings-

Sablé Cookie: i was expecting you know, the hat...the cat or crows...and a diferente style clothes

-remarks, as she see your clothes very....unapealing, unstilish, and to be true, is the only clothes you was wearing and cleaning all the time-

Capitan Caviar Cookie: i thougth you all was lose your mind when talk about the Witch, but now is insane its true, its just make it worse that it is

-Captian Caviar coment it with a rough voice, alredy his expression show nothing but unfriendly, seeing you as a danger itself-

For other hand Financier Cookie even dont show much her expression, she was full of worries inside, you was huge, and how you look it was clear it will be hard to put you down, but anything to keep Clotted Cream Cookie save even if have to risk her life

Vanilla Sugar Cookie: I Aaagreed! this Witch being in the Cookie Kingdom its dangerous!, We should put them down before do something horrendous to all our sweet cookies!

-fastly accusing, not really waiting to keep you being arround anylonger just becuse you here-

Custard Cookie: agreed as well! your exitence is such danger to all cookie kind and kingdoms as equal, god knows what you ploting to do with each one of us!

-Joining to the Accusecions, as the situacion soon being more and more intense-

Oyster Cookie: Can you guys calm yourselfs? the Witch just arrive and alredy want to put them down, not even give the chance to let them talk, this is unprofesional for the Council itself

-Says Oyster Cookie visible annoyed and disapointed of how this is taking from the cookies of the Council-

for you part, you just looking down sad, this is what you expected to happen, they just want you gone and seeing you as a danger, you hold yourself for not to cry to not cause more drama in this tense situacion

Gingerbrave Cookie: Uh..can you guys stop saying Witch to [Y/N]? they dont like to be call like that, you guys can call them as....human? is [Y/N] is ok with that!

-Gingerbrave Cookie looks at you for a confirmation, giving a nob to him, is better that just called witch-

Vanilla Sugar Cookie: Human!? and why we should call them like that!? is a Witch!

Wizard Cookie: Well..tenecly no, [Y/N] doesnt know nothing about magic, nor even do something, and has it proivide to perform any magic

Dark Cacao Cookie: if you guys stop whining about, what you guys want from the human? why the invitacion as i see you guys want nothing but kill them

Custard Cookie: as far im awared, we dint invited you, only the Witch to come to our republic

Hollyberry Cookie: yes yes, we awared we not part of this boring invitacion, but as you guys has to know as well, [Y/N] is under the acient responsability, so we cant just let some cookies do whatever they want with them

Golden Cheese Cookie: You hear that, we cant just let them alone knowing you guys are unpredicted of what gonna do

Clotted Cream Cookie: i must apologuies for our behavor, this is the firts time we deal with something like this, please forgive us such way and if can understand us

-Clotted Cream Cookie look at the acients cookies and you, mostly noticed you are sad and unconfortable with all this happening, wanted to at least cheer you up a little-

Vanilla Sugar Cookie: Mhp! well then, if the Human is under the Acients Responsability, why is not DEAD? why are letting this human being arround the cookies knowing could be such DANGER to our kind!

Pure Vanilla Cookie: We awared of everyones worried and concer, we are too when we meet [Y/N] as well, but as provide to us is nothing but a sweet human, there to help others and dont want to cause danger to anyone! helping cookies of the kingdom with simple needs and much much more!

Espresso Cookie: Mhm, we see it in our firts hand, we dint trust at firts and keep our distance, but as more days as passed, the human call [Y/N] as show us be nothing but not a dangerous treath, at last, just a cry baby

Madeline Cookie: Indeed! [Y/N] is a sweet sweet human! is always there for the cookies who need help! always liseng to my wonderfull stories! and always admiring my aparence hohoho!

Custard Cookie: you put to much trust to that human, you dont see can easly fool you all! just pretending to be nice as long can to earn everyone trust to strike when have the chance to doom us all! how foolish can you guys be!?

Dark Cacao Cookie: we are awared of that posibility, we are not blinded of the human is pretending to have the chance to attack us, that why is awared if anything suspicus do, will be put that down, that right?

-Dark Cacao Cookie looks at you for you confirmation, you nod at him, you still remember his warnings and in your insides promise to not disapoint him, after all you dont want to cause hurt to anyone-

Oyster Cookie: as how we are sure to acomplish such thing? is the witch, not to judge the streight of the acients, but i dont think it wil be easy to simplity put them down

-You look confused Oyster Cookie, you dont see yourself hard to be kill, more when knowing cookies can do magic it just a piece of cake, Oyster Cookie just look you back confused as well becuse of your exprresion-

Capitan Caviar Cookie: i Agreed, i fight with huge sea monsters before, but this is out of my own level i ever been

Pure Vanilla Cookie: if ever happens we have to put down [Y/N] with the help of White lilly we can put them down, or at least retain them until we decide to do with them

Clotted Cream Cookie: about White Lilly Cookie, if im alowed to say this, where is she?

-You just put a hurtfull expression, you still remember so vivid White lily expression, that horroble expression of horror and pain and agony-

Pure Vanilla Cookie: she....could not be here with us, but she count as well for anything related with [Y/N]

the Council look at each other, thinking all this information and what to do, is confusing situacion had to afront, difente buts and what ifs put on the table, what to proceed and what will be the best if everyone agreeds

Mulled Juice Cookie: well, let the human be arround, we have a alive legend arrounds us, why not give the chance?

Vanilla Sugar Cookie: EXCUSE ME!? ARE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND!

Clotted Cream Cookie: i agreed with Mulled Juice Cookie, the Acients alredy is taking care of the human situacion and ready to take actions if antyhing ocurrs, even so, we have a army of palidins with magic pearls can help to put the human down, if happen the case

Oyster Cookie: We can observe as well if this human is good as want to show, can also do task to provide they trust and good intencions if really want the effort to be

Clotted Cream Cookie: and we can investigate as well the Human, after all we dont know much about the humans appart of the old writings we have, this is our good only chance to understan better the humans kinds

Dark Cacao Cookie: of corse you did have to say that....

-Dark Cacao Cookie looks angry at Clotted Cream Cookie as alredy expected to say something like that, while Vanilla Sugar Cookie and Custard Cookie dont agreed of the idea have you arround among us-

Sablé Cookie: well, i will not denied i abostluly curous to understand such creature

Pure Vanilla Cookie: We alowed you investigate about [Y/N] but we not tolerate if you do something to [Y/N] is againts any morals, or will be taking actions as well

Expresso Cookie: If im alowed, i will be very honored to take the investigation of the human, i did my own investigation just observing the human behavor in the kingdom, i will of corse, follow the morals and no cause anything againts it the desires

Clotted Cream Cookie: Look like we arrive to a conclucion it benefids everyone, to make sure, everyone agreeds to this last desicion?

-The concul nods in agreedment, even Vanilla Sugar Cookie and Custard Cookie but mostly becuse not have much choice due they out of numbers-

Oyster Cookie: before we finish, please human, there something you want to tell us here the concil?

You look surrpised, you get use to it others talk for you and keep quiet, so this was very diferent, now having the attencion of all cookies, Acients and Cookie friends as well, you take a deep breath, and decide to spooke

"I...[Y/N] i promise to show my trust to all cookie kind, to show i not here for any bad intencion what so ever, if i had to pay for the prise of my actions, i will without any resistance to be take my head off"

All cookies present was shoked, was not expected shut shoked words would you say, understanding you ok to take the responsibility to be put down if you do something is againts the morals

Clotted Cream Cookie: very well, i think this will be all for today, thank you for accept our invitacion, and i aploguies of how things as turn out, we hope our next time we see faces be less like happen today

The Acient cookies are glad this is finally over and things dint go out of hand, You too are glad this is over, you really just go back to the kingdom and rest from this tension, as Gingerbrave cookie celebrates everything utnr out well

The comeback home was at least better, Gingerbrave, Wizard and the Aceints helping you feel better after shut tense situacion, just hoping things in the furute be more brighter and be now becarefull, now that cookies eyes on you

For Espresso Cookie, now he have a huge investigation to do about your kind, he of corse will not rush things and take slow the investigation and not do nothing will make you unconfortable

And Madelin Cookie is sad could not meet his family, he would love to show you arround the Creme Republic and be in his sweet home, he know his family will love you not matter what you are

in the end, even if things go a little heavy, everything turn out ok

Mille-feuille Cookie: Our Gold.....is finally here

[nevertheless-moving]

unable to stop dwelling on the discworld trouser leg of time where, in the penultimate fight scene in Nightwatch, Carcer manages to kill teenage Sam Vimes.

Which means that the future that Duke Vimes came from can no longer exist, which means he can’t go home. Meanwhile you’ve got a bunch of history monks with stored up temporal energy, a prepared space outside of time, and the need to do some desperate damage control before the Auditors get involved. Death shows up, reality is unweaving, Sam is reading Carcer his discworld miranda rights because what else is he supposed to do.

and finally, with little other option, the monks de-age Sam so he fits the time period and send him back out into the fray.

(they didn't call it deageing of course. His memory is hazy, splintered during that terrible in between moment, They....took the time out of him? Sanded away the edges of his self for a terrible, workable fit? It...wasn't a good feeling.)

Just—damn. Sam Vimes having to live his whole crapsack life over again, but this time as his disillusioned-reillusioned, unwillingly-character-developed, noir-epic, Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes self. 

Younger (Older? He's never felt so Old, His steps so Childlike, reality twisting in his gut like one of Dibbler's pies) Sam Vimes walking around in a haze after the revolution. Desperate to go home, knowing he can’t. Wanting to drink. Knowing he can’t.

The whole precinct feels pity, he really took Keel’s death hard, hardly speaks except to do his job. Eventually he has to grit his teeth and start being present, because what else is there to do?

Resists the urge to drink until Colon takes the whole watch out to celebrate because -he’s going to be a father!

Come on Sammy, one drink won’t kill you— and after the first drink he’s cracking jokes and after the second hes smiling and after the third hes honestly the life of the party and sometime after that he’s crying about how he was going to be a father and my wife would be ashamed if she saw me drinking like this and— 

Oh shit, Did anyone else know he had a wife?? A PREGNANT wife??? What—aren’t you like 12—no you're 17 now aren't you but when did—

You guys n’ver met ’er—oh gods none if you ev’n know ‘er, is jus’ me...

What—when did you lose—

I lost her the same damn day I los’ ev’rythin else, whadya think...bleeding Carcer...the fuckin revolution...

So! That! Sam only vaguely remembers the night, but rumors travel faster than light on the disc, so by the next day the whole damn city knows about poor Sam brung low by the loss of his poor, tragic, pregnant wife, so young to be a widower, and the Seamstresses nod because they already knew, don’t ask them how, somethings you just have to know in that trade.

And his mother—I don’t know, sue me, I’m a time travel fiend but there’s something deeply intriguing about a man meeting his dead parent, who is somewhat younger than him, and stepping into the old relationship like a badly fitting thing that's supposed to fit well. She would know, right? How would she deal with her son’s impossible grief? Maybe she wouldn’t know—he spent most of the time out of the house, running with different street gangs, maybe he avoids her until she dies and lives with the guilt twice over. God, we don’t even know her name. There’s just so much narrative and emotional potential that I don’t even know where to start.

When he’s on duty, which is most time - it’s agonizing because at first he remembers cases, saves lives that would have been lost. But the more time passes, the hazier his memory because in the original timeline he was becoming an alcoholic. Fuck! A kid dies and he could have saved her if he hadn’t been such a drunk, if he had just remembered where the asshole lived, but it’s all a haze, and he wants to drown out his guilt, but that’s what caused this in the first place.

Good young Sammy, who spends his rare off-time in dusty libraries (and yes, the irony that he’s apparently Carrot now is not lost on him) reading gods-only-know.

It’s not like he can ask the wizards for help, cutthroat and vicious as they are now in the not-so-distant-past.

Good young Sam, who...talks to the Broken Drum’s pet Bouncer like he’s a real person and not a dumb rock? That’s a bit weird, but he’s a bit of a funny guy.

Good old Sam, who believed the testimony of the dwarf who said the humans were trying to rob him and let the dwarf go??

the PROBLEMS this man would cause, good grief. Can you imagine a moderately progressive middle aged man with some degree of begrudging diversity and equity training that he did, for all his sins, pay attention to, suddenly going back to like, 1990, going back just 30 years, and going...oh damn this is kind of fucked up, no man you can’t say that, holy shit.

Except Sam’s lived through even more rapidly shifting social moroes! There’s no seamstress guild, there’s no women allowed inside the university, there’s no black ribboner’s society. People hunted trolls for their teeth! But Sam can’t just unlearn everything, and he can’t shut up, and he has no real luck and anyway he would absolutely get himself (temporarily) fired.

FUCK. Sam has no idea what to do with that. None. Zero clue. Wanders around in a haze until that dwarf he saved from police brutality finds him and insists on repaying the debt. No, he insists, do you have any idea what debt means to a dwarf?

“Sort-of?” he replies hesitantly, and that honest admission of incomplete knowledge shows a hell of a lot more respect and understanding than any self proclaimed dwarf-expert ever did.

Gets a job as a surface man, hauling rocks into the city. It’s backbreaking work, but, in true Discworld fashion, it’s also one hell of a workout (again the irony of being Carrot is not lost him. he freezes for a minute while hauling a rock cart, when he remembers he's technically Lost Nobility too, in a strict sense, but someone curses at him in the street and he's comfortingly grounded)

And here is where this au slides into a SPECTACULAR romantic comedy, BEAR WITH ME. Because in his time on the Watch he’s already done noir, action adventure, war story, detective who dunnit, psychological horror, but guards guards only allowed him to be a romance protagonist in an extremely limited context.

Give me righteous, twenty-something-looking, can’t-say-he-doesn’t-have-style, young Sam Vimes, not an alcoholic,  being fed three square meals a day by his dwarven forced found family, hauling rocks. He is startled to find him bumping his head on a low hanging bar that he doesn’t think used to be there, eventually realizing that he’s an inch or two taller than he remembers. Huh. Guess all that bearhuggers really did stunt his growth.

Still doesn’t get what some of the looks from women he’s getting are about, sure, he’s dirty but so is everyone else. Fine, he took his shirt off, but it’s hot out, there’s far wrinklier than him hauling heavy loads, get a life. 

Happens to glance in the Ankh one day when it’s particularly slow and shiny and is startled to realize that he might be turning heads for a different reason. Oh. Right, not that he was ever a heartbreaker, but he did alright for himself... when he was a younger and his face hadn’t been broken so many times. Which...it isn't now.

Is mildly disturbed by the revelation.

Especially once things blow over at the precinct and what with high mortality rates, he ends up with getting hired again. The boys are delighted to have him back, nevermind that he’s an odd one, noone is ever quite in your corner like Vimsey, absence makes the heart fonder, no one else works that hard, and he’s not even competition for promotion. All around great guy, we should set him up with somebody and just, no.

It just keeps getting worse! He’s literate! He’s a feminist! He believes abuse victims! He’s got a tragic backstory! He’s unreasonably good in a fistfight! He’s kind to animals! Word gets around that there’s a good man on the watch and he’s just waiting for a good woman to come snap him up. The widower excuse doesn’t hold people off completely, and for some it’s its own sort-of appeal. 

Things REALLY become stressful after he rescues that carriage full of noblewoman.

What’s he supposed to do? Let them get robbed? Or worse? Chasing down and beating up 10 goons is as easy as beating up one, when they’re that stupid, getting separated like that, drunk and distracted, and he knows these streets better than anyone, really it’s nothing. And oh lord he’s Modest too.

I mean, they were genuinely greatful, as genuine as people like that are capable of being, the skill having grown rusty. And then there is something...magnetic about the man. An air of command.

So, soon enough you get Lady Marigold of Marigrave calling on Treckle Road for that gallant young officer who rescued them, she really needs to thank him. And Viscountess Elanor Thitzferal specifically requesting that he guard her at her next soiree. And Baroness Julieta van Shoeholten insisting that he come to her home while her husband’s away, for... manly protection.

Aaaah just zero sympathy from the guys. None. 'It’s become a competition, they’re just trying to see who can get me into bed first, it’s like I’m a piece of meat, you can’t send me sir, the Marquess greeted me in a nightee last time you made me go to—' and 'small gods Vimes are you even listening to yourself, shut the hell up'.

Simultaneous to this, (again this is several years into the timeline) swamp dragon accessories come into style. Which means abandoned swamp dragons scrounging on the street. Vimes takes one back to his apartment, blows his paycheck on dragon medicine, and eventually, heart in his chest, brings it to the Ramkin estate. The sunshine orphanage doesn’t even exist yet and he’s just standing outside the gates like an idiot, what is he thinking. Turns around, but her carriage is pulling up and—

well. they meet. it's cute. he's never felt so young. he's never felt so old, too old for her, too poor—

and certainly her thoughts linger too long on the awkward, kindly, handsome young commoner, but is it any wonder she doesn't quite connect it to the stern, dangerous, sexy young guard the ladies seem to be in some quiet, cuthroat competition over?

i have this gorgeous, absurd scene in my head in which Vimes is strong armed into standing guard at some high society soiree and one of the pushiest ladies insists he dance with here, or, if he prefers, if he's not confident about his skills, he can dance with her in-private at her home and he’s like [grinding teeth, looking for a way out, seeinf one] “I would be honored to dance with you.”

Steps right into some ultra-complex dance with multiple partner swaps (she never thought he'd pick this one, devilishly intimidating to one not strictly trained, and you barely spend anytime with your first partner).

But he does alright. Better than alright, for a common man, sometimes misstepping but his hands and feet always end up where they need to be. Raises several eyebrows part way into the song because he's throuwing in some slightly scandalous, no innovative, extra lifts and twirls that wouldn't become fashionable for another decade or two. Who even is that guy? Some out of towner? No, no he's in a guards uniform...how very strange.

Gets to Sybll and she's used to embarrassment during these dances, she tries to get out of them when she can... but can't always. Men awkwardly skipping the lifts, or worse, trying and failing. But him — oh it's him, the one who helped little Erold, and looked at her like—like—well like she was someone beautiful. And he's doing it again, and he's strong and there's a quiet moment where she's in the air, they lock eyes, and the rest of the room melts away.

And then the partners change again, the moment ended.

Just...living throught it all again. To the left, a dance he almost knows the steps to, throwing others off balance with erratic moves , honest mistakes, and delibrate stepping on toes. Improvising. Ruining. Improving. Getting far, far too much attention.

Hes almost excited when the first assassains start coming after him. It's like a hobby.

Everyone tells him he should get a hobby.

Interactions with young vetinari...I don't have the energy to write it all down, the slow circling in on each other, both burning with the need to fix the city, save it, their city.

needless to say he ends up fired again, life under real threat after offending some high lord.

Conveniently enough he has an employment opportunity- bodyguard to fucking Vetinari on his 'grand sneer.' The bastard knows vimes isn't what he seems, though sam is pretty sure that he doesnt know the exacts.

Vetinari hypothesis:(the ghost of keel? Keels son, with some hereditary curse? Or a larger spirit of justice possessing a string of unrelated souls? He knows things he shouldn't- mind reader? Fortune teller? Havelock once arranged for a wizard to bump into him on the street, the magical fool gave an odd double look and then muttered something about destiny looping in on itself giving him a headache. Destiny? Lost noble? And hes far too familiar with sybyl, one of the few bearable noblewomen in this city. And his thoughts on guilds, when havelock can trip him into speaking... Most of all, if hes reading him at all correctly (for all the mystery hes not that hard to read, unless thats a very clever cover) then it seems that behind those dark haunted eyes is Respect. Loyalty. For vetinari. What an interesting man. A puzzling asset. An intriguing threat. )

Did I mention the timeline is changing, healing slowly around the place where it was torn? Healing enough around scars to perhaps get some flexibility back, with some painful stretches and...massaging of said scar tissue?

And hes heading to unresting uberwald, a place where a werewolf pack still hunts humans and, truely unrelated but perhaps equally exhausting, an eldritch spirit of vengeance just might be looking to stretch its legs in a hapless vessel?

Opening drabble Vimes Vetinari Meta (Unwell) Scene from the Uberwald Grand Sneer

[cuppajj]

rough wippy of an animatic i want to do with shadow milk cookie! i wanted to make them shapeshift because messing with PV's mind is fun like that