#fucking terrifies me im so srs

[bedforddanes75]

i dont like how many pop culture references matty healy understands it genuinely scares me

[yutamayo]

byeeee

[npdbenrey]

gyattspace tripmewing

phighting dni /hj

[jlheon]

penggg! have you listened to bea’s new album? i did and i’m obsessed with california and one time!!

which song was your fave? plus, thoughts on the release? <333

missing your works 💗 (but take your time!!)

hai!!! these are my thoughts!!! (this is how it went & a cruel affair & everything i want) — btw this is kinda long u don’t have to read it all 😭😭

take a bite — 10/10 wbk. i am taking a bite hell yeah i am!!!! this song is so hoonki coded i will not explain further u just have to understand by being on my intellectual level.

california — 9/10 i want to go to california… the whole song is so woah icl! the bridge is insane oh my gosh I LOVE BEABADOOBEE

one time — 10/10 HECK YEAH!!! this song is literally me winning the idgaf war at all times! awesome beat n song n lyrics FUCK YOU !!!!! the outro is actually insane bea the lyrical genius you are… i love her so much

real man — 10/10 U WILL NEVER BE A REAL MAN!!!! this song is also like FUCK U!!! i think i hate men guys freak this i need a gf! again the outro is insane LAWD!!!!

tie my shoes — 9/10 i will sob n throw up this song is so woah. THE ONE PART “lied to a girl u hardly knew but the world thought of you” THE WAY SHE DELIVERS THE LINE IS SO CRAZY BEAUTIFUL I LOVE BEA SO MUCH PLZ TIE MY SHOES

girl song — 10/10 this song is a real representation of me fighting my demons every couple days when i have one of my weekly crash outs woah. i will sob n cry again this is so me unfortunately

coming home — 9/10 it was a 10/10 my first listens but i overplayed it sobs. oh but this song made me cry even just the demo version becoz it makes me think of being married n not having time for each other and that is terrifying LONG DISTANCE I WILL NEVER DO THAT PROLLY.

ever seen — 8.5/10 i like but not as much as the other songs YK. its very happy n peppy tho i hope i have a meetcute one day. TO TELL MY KIDS ABT BRU. this song is jake coded becuz hes the prettiest ever..

a cruel affair — 100/10 me song again! love this instrumental for realz. this song is too short it should be 3 minutes at minimum poo… this song barely has any lyrics too. EXTENDED VERSION PLEASEEEE

post — 8/10 for some reason i don’t understand what this song is about like i was analyzing the lyrics and i rlly don’t know but the song is awesome regardless

beaches — 10/10 Yes! i really want to go on vacation to a tropical place so i can dissociate for a while n get my shit together ngl.. THE INSTRUMENTAL BREAK IS SO GOOD BRU WTF PLEEK I LOVE BEA SM

everything i want — 1000/10 NEED THIS AT MY WEDDING /SRS. no like actually this song makes me so happy n bittersweet plz im everything you want (jake) can we plz get married ill never settle for a regular man. ok but in seriousness its so cute w the lyrics and i hope i feel this way abt someone n vise versa one day when im older! i want to be in love so bad…!!! on REPEAT.

the man who left too soon — 7/10 but only becoz i don’t resonate w any of the lyrics but the song is good it just has to grow on me i reckon…

this is how it went — 1000/10 THIS IS MY SONG. i love the beat so bad it makes me wanna cry but also sway around my room! this song is literally me i love sleeping n not talking to anyone hashtag peng core song!

[cheolhub]

hey hey heyy!! i have a question about your first impressions of your moots and anons?

i did a few of my mutuals and my active anons 🥹

@ncteez was literally going to pee myself when she followed me. the first time we talked, we were doing a pc trade and i was lit RALLY so fucking terrified of her but now i love her and i miss her and she makes me feel better when i have an issue with anything. my hon <3

@rubyreduji i rmbr one of our first convos was months after we became mutuals— i was really drunk at a party and i told him everything that was happening. he’s the only person im not terrified to talk to because i alrdy know he hates me 🤗. fun fact: jj has seen me in my truest form bc he follows my finsta (everyone keep him in ur thoughts)

@agustdiv1ne ashlee, aur my god. my first thought abt tumblr user agustdiv1ne was ‘wow, this theme is so cute’ and my second thought was ‘wow, ashlee is so kind and chill and i think i would like her to be my best friend’ and now i hit her up at least once a week on some bullshit and i make her pick my next read or i tell her abt this bitch that owes me $500 <3 she understands me bc we were cut from the same cloth

@etherealyoungk i thought skye’s account was so cute 🥹🥹 omfg i remember the first time we interacted was on our birthday (april 30th, nobody forget) and ever since then she’ll come into my inbox and check in on me and it’s so endearing and makes my whole day. i also love hearing abt how she’s doing T-T NOW me and skye are lowkey bffls. we just buddy read a book together and it was saurrrr much fun, i love her sm 🫶���🫶🏽🫶🏽

@majestyjun MILLIE WAS ONE OF MY FIRST TXT MOOTS. i love her so much omfg, i’ve always thought she was the coolest ever like 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i am kinda just her fan at this point like it’s so embarrassing. i get all blushy when she replies to my asks

@hwanghyunjinenthusiast i was kinda intimidated bc rj uses punctuation (which is literally fine and normal) and i thought she was mad every time i’d be in her ask box. now i think shes the funniest person alive and she’s my favorite person to annoy the shit out of.

@heesbaby MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF CINNA WAS THAT SHE WAS THE SWEETEST ANGEL EVER. i still think this by the way. i will literally get on one knee and propose and love her forever /srs.

@gyuswhore i think i thought em was really nice and quiet and i was so wrong. em is so fucking funny and unhinged in the best way possible. she’s probably the only person that will call me a bitch and an irresponsible spender (she’s never wrong)

@toruro my first thought of mika was adorable and i thought she was a really great writer. literally have her manhandling with chan tattooed on my brain. she is so nice to me and our brief biweekly interactions are very endearing to me <3

@homerunhansol J MY WORLD, i think ive always thought she was an angel in disguise and she’s ALWAYS been someone i want to be happy forever and ever and ever. i also think i thought her love for vernon was so cute bc i dont come across dolly’s very often and it’s just so endearing when i do bcos they are literally a gift from the gods. i love j ⭐️

@sunnylovespickles i thought sunny was so cute actually. i remember our first conversation and she was making me so nervous liejwheheb so cute and sweet like i’ll never get over the way she flattered me. (how to get to my heart: validate me the way sunny did)

@taekurai MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF MAX IS SO FRESH BC WE JUST BECAME MOOTS BUT OFNSHSBE I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER? love at first sight seriously. i thought she was so kind and i love the pink on her theme and i just love her sm fr.

🪴 dead plant nonnie T-T ive always been obsessed w them. they told me they liked my desk set up and ive been whipped ever since. no but fr, getting an ask from dead plant nonnie is the highlight of my day. they are someone i feel like i’d be really good friends with irl 🫂 dare i say bffs

🍀 lucky charm nonnie!!! i genuinely think they are my lucky charm bcos every time i’d get an ask from them, i’d literally get a boost of serotonin and my day would significantly improve :,( i love and miss them dearly and i will kill for them. (and make them tea whenever they lose their voice in rehearsal)

🛼 roller blade nonnie <333 I THOUGHT THEY WERE SO FUNNY (i still think theyre hilarious ofc) but they reminded me a lot of myself and i felt like every time i received an ask from them, id laugh to myself and be like “this is some shit i’d say” 😭 i enjoy they’re book reviews and im waiting for them to send an ask so i can talk about acotar with them 🤗 (cough cough, come home nonnie im on book three cough cough)

[lostfracturess]

hi nici i'm back

So I stumbled on, each day collapsing into the next.  Until the next semester started and I remembered I had an actual job.

lmaoooo wait he kinda relatable for that ngl

GASSPPP SHE'S IN THE CLASS HE'S TEACHIGN omg this is so crazy. w all their history. n it's just back to square one. teacher n student. also i cant believe it's been four weeks sighhh

"Have you ever thought about how I felt when I found you?" she snapped, her voice rising. "How terrified I was when you wouldn't respond? When you couldn't even recognize me? When I thought you'd die on me?" She took a shaky breath. "Fuck Satoru, I held your face in my hands while you were barely breathing!"

YES!! LIKE SRS I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW TERRIFYING THAT WAS. omg this argument scene i canttt i mean reader kinda spittin facts but also idk it's hard for him too :((

"And that," she leaned closer, almost brushing my lips, "is what makes you the most pathetic person I know."

GODD I'M LOVING THIS FUCKING ANGST RN IT'S SO GOOD. THE ANGER IS SO PALPABLE also i just love how consistently in character reader is

But I also wanted nothing more than to fuck that attitude out of her right then and there.

HELPSDKFJSHDKF i must love toxic bc this had me UHHHHHH HAD ME FEELIN LOTS

:(( omg reader saying she's been waiting for it to get easier n how he said it would (once again proposing the song loml by ts for s&c couple) also KSDJFHSDKL suguru always walking in on them damn. send HIM to therapy too LOL

man i am EXHAUSTED for satoru rn. every single day for him is like a living hell jesus. i mean it CANNOT feel good for him to live this way, obv he's an addict but i guess i always err on the side that it's not really addicts faults?? esp when you know what goes on biochemically when it comes to addictions, they are literally almost impossible to fight, and in a lot of cases, canonically for s&c gojo too, addicts didn't WANT to be come miserable n codependent on substances. a lot of times, it's just bad place/time or someone coercing or influencing them to begin. and then they're fucked for life. the fact he's managed to become a self sufficient professor and maintain surgerical prowess while fighting an addiction is incredible, but he neeeeeds to get clean. like, there's nothing more important rn than for him to just. literally put himself in rehab, in therapy, etc. idk. im word vomiting here but i just really hope he gets genuine professional help. ive always found it interesting how doctors are at times the most careless of their own health

DAMNNN he called her a bitch.

oh my godsshhh the hATE SEX. PLS.

"You're a fucking hypocrite, you know that?" I leaned closer, my mouth close to her ear. "You hate who I am, but you crave this, don't you? Giving up control, being at my mercy. Admit it."

sighhhh. yes.

I leaned down over her, my hand snaking into her hair. I grabbed it tightly, forcing her head up to meet mine. "I love you, first-year," I murmured against her ear. She trembled, but her defiance remained strong. "I hate you." I sighed — always so fierce, makes me wonder what it takes to fuck that stubborn attitude out of her.  "It's alright, I love you enough for both of us."

HEEELPPP IM DECEASED THIS IS SO SEXY AND SO TOXIC AT THE SAME TIME SFKJHSDKFJS

damn. this chapter was just pure angst. im ngl gojo's brain is an insane thing, and the way you WROTE THISSS NICI???? literal poetry. i cannot believe how you can make me feel sm emotions n im like exhauted rn. emotionally worn out. but in a good way lol idk if this makes sense, but in the sense that it hurts so good?? anyways yet another awesome chapter, thanks sm for your hard work :''')

hello in part two !!

GASSPPP SHE'S IN THE CLASS HE'S TEACHIGN omg this is so crazy. w all their history. n it's just back to square one. teacher n student. also i cant believe it's been four weeks sighhh

they really are back to the beginning, but still everything changed, i loved this idea that they have this kind of seeing each other for the first time again in class as like in the beginning of the story 🫠💔

HELPSDKFJSHDKF i must love toxic bc this had me UHHHHHH HAD ME FEELIN LOTS

lol you're not the only one haha

also KSDJFHSDKL suguru always walking in on them damn. send HIM to therapy too LOL

poor suguru – the man needs a break from walking in on this trainwreck of a relationship. and yeah, a good therapist wouldn't hurt him either 😂😂

& yes ur talk about addiction is spot on. it breaks my heart, too, because that ongoing internal struggle is a huge part of what makes gojo such a compelling character.

his addiction isn't just a simple choice, it's incredibly complex, especially when you factor in his history and the immense pressure he faces every day. and his self-hatred and guilt just fuel the cycle.

and yes gojo desperately needs help, but for him, there's that added layer of fear – the fear of vulnerability, the fear of failure, and the overwhelming belief that he doesn't deserve help. really tragic. shame the author for writing this pewww !!

DAMNNN he called her a bitch.

i found it hilarious ngl 😂😂

ahhh, thank you so so much for always reading, commenting, and sharing your thoughts so generously ellie. it truly means the world to me 😭😭❤️

[lucidmysteria]

soooooooooo, how we feeling about the new salmonid king guys?????

me personally? im utterly terrified, imagine that fucker on lowtide. your whole team is oh so royally as fucked you won't even see it coming dude. I wonder how those cool ass SR pros are gonna demolish this one.

Or have they finally met their match.

obligatory dni / info img hi

okok bye happy splatting every1

[irl-morros-account]

no i copy pasted that one sadly. And i was reading hamlet and happened to be at that bit which is in the first scene so i didnt go digging for it

(please send help if yiu know how to also 1989deluxed/tybalttruther would like you to know i am not her/srs because in her words “I DONT WANT THEM TO THINK ITS ME IM SCARED OF MORRO”)

Huh. You've surprised me.. who knew you could be ordinary.

(PFFFT. You guys have a whole community??? Yes morro is terrifying. can I just say that tybalt truther is an excellent fucking url. I read the play ONCE and tybalt was my favourite. )

[bitethebullets]

The 3rd party voters dont total enough to push harris over :( at least thats how it looks so far. If this changes in the future then disregard me lol. I'm scared 😀 as fuck (i voted harris . Btw just letting u kno we r same im not trying to instigate) America is headed in such a terrifying direction

no yea i get most states rn currently the 3rd party votes dont push her over enough to win but its just like are you even srs?? like my state its a 0.9% like who are you fooling??

anyways ive alr watched my state lose two important amendments and get a shitty one passed and electoral isnt looking good either so im scared with you

[traversety]

things my ocs have literally told me

im not even joking i will be sitting there and one of my ocs will just say some shit in my head. its fucking cool but also creepy

and i want to talk about it! so yalls get a list of what i can remember.

ROMAN

his name was originally keith but he came in very quietly one day and insisted his name was actually roman and that keith was his middle name. he's put me into a narrative dilemma but im not gonna keep misnaming him am i?! NO.

he likes to rollerskate

he does watercolor paintings of dark fairy tale-esque forests and other creepy nature stuff and is really good at it (he wants to go to art college but he cant, poor thing)

claims he's bisexual but has yet to prove it to me

LOGAN

ordered me out of bed one night when i was feeling sick but didnt want to get up bc i thought i wasnt sick. turns out i was sick! it's also the only time i've ever been able to ACTUALLY HEAR THE VOICE OF ANY OF MY CHARACTERS. especially for him because i havent even got a vague match for his voice (i've come close). i usually assign the voices of other people to my ocs and then they talk to me in my head using a slightly altered version of my voice. logan, though, COMPLETELY WHIPPED OUT A VOICE FROM THE BLUE and it was fucking terrifying. you can bet i got my ass out of bed!!! (this is one of my favorite stories to scare the shit out of people with and its a true story /srs)

went on an incredibly long rant broken up over multiple days about how he was NOT a ghost or a villain character but thought of himself to be an anti-hero. he was right.

had to inform he his sister wasn't dead, either

has confessed multiple times over about being gay and utterly terrified of starting a romantic relationship with anyone because he's scared someone will get hurt (and by someone i mean "not logan") so i would probably label him as a demiromantic asexual or something along those lines

revealed his last name to me in the middle of a car ride with no warning whatsoever. just. out of nowhere.

ALAN

politely and cheerfully informed me about being a catholic

gave a long-ass speech that boils down to "i am a sworn virgin but there is no such thing as a consecrated vigrin for guys in the church unless you're a priest or a monk"

despite this he refuses to call himself asexual, which is fine

still bitches about how he gets shot in the side and kidnapped for the plot despite me deciding this at least a year after the fact was decided (year and a half? two years? no more than two years though bc he was made in 2022)

JAZZ

declared himself to be a terrorist but i dont think he actually understands what calling yourself a terrorist means in america

constantly says stupid shit to me in his very perky voice

the first one to tell me about how long his hair ACTUALLY is + told me about the barcode tattoo on his neck

"I HAVE ADHD ACTUALLY!" thats not a surprise sweetie. "oh also my parents are dead not missing like you said they were" EXCUSE ME DARLING????????

ALTAIR

autistic, gay, mechanically-minded, and adopted. that is all he has bothered to tell me

STAR

"actually i'm nonbinary please get that down"

told me their species and how they got stuck with paris in very condensed detail and with a very pissed-off tone

aromantic but NOT asexual, apparently! this. uh. could be interesting.

[kil9]

.

[abstract-crossverse]

okay but I need to get smtg off my chest, you ppl who indulge in hardcore yandere stuff scare me, I don't know how yall handle it, cuz there's some people that write seriously messed up shit

the other day I was looking for some fics to indulge cuz shit day yknow, and there were only yandere fics, it was hard finding fluff, and if there were fluff, it was something I had already read or something I made. I looked at the TWs and I see fucking- AMPUTATION mention, GASLIGHTING, FUCKING PHYSICAL ABUSE and a lot more

Im sorry I have a serious case of putting myself in ppls shoes, so I feel even worse for the 's/o' whos going through that torture, tell me, please, enlighten my path, WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT BEING ABUSED AND TORTURED by a character whom you love and/or would want to kiss????? I genuinely don't get it. Im sorry but if you write madcom in this degree of yandere, Im terrified of you and I want distance pls

if you just indulge in it, I dont get it, Im still terrified of you but you're at least mildly better and I cant tell if you either have a kink for that or you need therapy(/lh /hj) . Im sorry but there's a line between "seriously fucked up" and "okay to a degree", the shit Ive seen has gone over the line and further

the only 'okay to a degree' content I have seen in here is Saltymongoose's writing, where while the boys are still a bit obsessive and would kill for you, they arent actively abusing you which is a great thing and actually take into the consideration the fact that killing people you like is going to make you upset, and its something I can actually read without being disturbed and uncomfortable. I dont actively consume this sort of content, but we need more content like this, where the yandere in question takes your feelings into consideration instead of blindly killing anyone who even glances at you.

thank you for coming to my ted talk, I really needed to get this out of my chest. and if someone who consumes the hardcore yandere stuff or writes it, can you please explain the appeal to me? I genuinely want to know /srs

much love to you all. I hope to post more fic's soon

[aroaceconfessions]

i met a person. we sarted talking. i really liked being his friend. i started feeling fuzzy and weird and anxious but in a not bad way when i see it texted me. this is new and i have not felt like this for literal years. i have identified as aroace for so long but i just. i want to be with this person and i dont understand how i want to or why i want to. i dont get it. its only been a few days.

this is new and overwhelming and im so scared. i tell him i love him and i cant tell if i mean it /p or something else. he keeps saying hes fallen in love with me and (i think) eluding (is that the ritght word) to being in love with me in a more than friends way. eveery time i ask if it's /srs or /j it just gets more confusing.

i just want to know why i feel like this. i want to know if he feels the same. i want to run away and cry and scream and punch a tree but at the same time i want to sit on my phone and talk to him about everything. i want to jot down every thought i have and tell him about things and listen to him talk about his day.

im really scared. i feel like ive been lying to myself. im fucking terrified, and i don't know what to do.

[punkscrunchies]

okay genuine question but is it bad if every time you go to a shopping centre you end up having a complete mental breakdown

[actualbird]

// spoilers for luke chara story, several luke sr card stories, and main story 5.1

so like. i can only assume that other people in the NSB must have the wildest frigging impression of luke “codename raven” pearce 

hear me out

“Tracking, sniping, combat, tactical driving, and wilderness survival...” rattles off the description of luke on the tot official website. he proves a bunch of these skills in game: he shows off his tracking and sniping skills in SR Timely Rescue, he shows off his combat skills in episode 2 of his character story, he shows off his general physical prowess in SR Moment of Danger when he scaled that rock climbing wall in 9 seconds, good god, we GET IT, LUKE!!! YOURE RIPPED!!!---on that note though, i do want to see him show off the tactical driving and wilderness survival, id get a real kick out of seeing luke go full on Baby Driver dir. Edgar Wright and then Bear Grylls-ing it up in the woods. but i digress---back on topic, he additionally has shown a proficiency in making and tinkering with gadgets: made an audio transmitter for mc in SSR Alluring Gaze, made a lipstick tranquilizer gun for mc in main story 5.1, and has these cool futuristic smart glasses as a card level up item which was described to be modded by luke himself, among many other passing instances he mentions making gadgets. i guessssss the tinkering thing makes sense, given his background in bio-engineering. but just to top it all off, hes also a hackerman (main story 5.1). because it’s go big or go home with this dude.

can you imagine being like, a newbie low level NSB employee hearing about the man the myth the legend, Raven. like, youve never met him, but his reputation is Off The Walls.

you head on over to tech/equipment dept and u look over this cool doodad like “who made this gadget? it’s...insanely good, what the hell.”

“oh, raven made that,” a resigned techie says

“...isnt raven an investigator? like, an agent? a really scary good one, at that?”

“yeah but he can make stuff too. drives us up the fucking wall, whenever he mods the stuff we make into something better. asshole...”

“yikes.”

so you go on with your day and bump into some people from the financial and technology crimes section, raven’s assigned section, and lo and behold, theyre complaining about him too

“i respect the guy, of course, but his thing is to be on the field. does he really have to one up us by showing off he’s better at us at hacking as well???”

and youre like. what. why is this dude good at so many things. 

and then those people keep on talking.

“a bit inappropriate to complain about him right now, he nearly died a few days ago.” (in reference to flashback in luke chara story ep2 last bit)

“what!”

“yeah raven’s in the hospital, after his last mission. got hit by that gas, you know the one. his partner, aaron, said he nearly didnt make it.”

“im glad hes alive, but how the fuck did he survive??? that toxic gas kills literally anybody that inhales it.”

“i heard aaron say that he managed to stay alive through sheer force of will.”

you scuttle away, absolutely terrified of raven now. 

and then maybe like a month later you see a crowd of people gathered by the window, looking down at the courtyard below

“whats going on?” you ask

“raven’s getting chased by a goose.”

“what.” and you look down and yep. that sure is a dude getting chased by a goose. 

a dude who is raven, the terrifyingly hypercompetent investigator, the man who shows off in fields he doesnt even need to be good at, and the guy who apparently socked Death in the jaw. 

and he looks like the personification of a golden retriever. a baby faced, messy haired young man booking it across the grass, evading a scorned waterfowl.

at that moment, you conclude that nothing in this world makes sense

[lovemars]

hm. time to psychoanalyze myself i think. cw traumadumping cw long ass post cw oversharing 😭

the srs cws are talk of sex and stuff but in a sad way not a horny way, sa, men on the internet being gross, bad coping mechanisms, etc

like. idk. i was thinking abt this last night and now im thinking abt it more and like. i feel like. the way i appear in headspace and stuff is just. completely based after. OH MY GOD SOFT BOY CAME OUT? um. sorry it just came on shuffle. ANYWAY. 😭. i feel like how i appear and everything is just based off of like our brain trying to be attractive to- well men mostly. other genders nd stuff but mostly men Specifically cis men. and like. literally none of us actively want to have cis (esp cishet) men attracted to us ❤️. but its like, i know Why like i know its cuz one of my roles is a sexual alter and our brain made us appear the way we do in headspace as part of it trying to keep us safe etcetc WHATEVER i dont care 🫶. like. i literally even- like for instance when we were dating our ex i remember trying to like. be attractive to her and make her like me/us even tho like. i was uncomfortable as fuck and like. i did the same with redacted from irl and just didnt set boundaries at all- no thats not true we definitely did set boundaries. i was just bad at enforcing them- i guess cuz i was like. idk completely lost in this mindset of like, not being able to say no and not feeling safe and feeling like it was my only purpose inguess?

and then like- i also feel like. imean i dont really get the love languages thing but if i had to pick one it would definitsly be words of affirmation and like- i feel like. okay 😭. im not a good person by. whoever the fuck uhh. pat the bunny i think? plays in the background. like for years and by for years i mean ever since 4 days after i turned 18. my thing had been like. posting on reddit . in various subreddits that like, Well the men in them are not very nice to me or to women . and like. i feel like that ties back to the words of affirmation thing cuz i was like intentionally seeking out people who would hurt me (<- which also ties into being a persecutor). and i dont do it anymore because months in the getalong shirt with nik made me feel bad abt it 😭 and then i started to realize that i like when people are nice to me actually. and then i was like Huh maybe tjats not super healthy for me probably. (it is not). well and thats the reason im banned (by nik) from reddit and sex with cis people forever.

but like. 😭 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. writing a damn novel here. ANYWAYYYY. the whole posting images on reddit dot com -> talk to creepy men on reddit dot com -> intense self hatred and shame -> nik fronts and freaks out and deletes everything -> i feel bad -> i do it again next time i feel like making myself feel terrible on purpose for fun Spiral. like. ive spent all this time gojng down that spiral and now its like. bro i jusr want someone to be nice to me. like i spent ages convincing myself that actually i didnt care abt the shit those men were sayinh & that i liked it and now im like. i literally dont. like. i dont wabt someone ive never spoken to who didnt even say hi or ask what im ok with to say like. waves hand. stuff im not repeating just make up something genuinely disgusting and a bit terrifying and ive probably heard it. and now i dont even KNOW like. what i want i guess. idek my sexuality cuz ive never bothered to think abt what i want cuz i was too focused on what people i dont like/am scared of/etc to think abt how i felt. which in retrospect. bad and scared and. etc.

anyway. idk its just dawned on me the other night how much of who i am is wrapped up in how much i want everyone to like me all thw time and also how much i dont like myself. and like im working on it. and if working on it means thinking about drm from minecraft youtube ******* ** ** ***** so be it i guess 😭. idk man if nik can read dr*amnotnap fic and call it coping i can thirstpost abt drm in my head. idk.

ig im just. now that im able to be more normal and rational and stuff im able to see like. damn i was really bad at dealing with my emotions and tried to do that in ways that were not healthy for me or anyone else. and now all my sense of. who i am is wrapped up in that i guess. which sucks. and im working on it . SLOWLY! but im working on it

tldr: damn this guy should probably talk to a therapist abt all this shouldnt he. well thats okay at least hes hot