#fucking love triangle but one of them is a Literal Fucking Dead Corpse

[the-acid-pear]

Devil on my shoulder tells me to make more frog serial killers . I just want to make dudes who suck ass so bad . . .

[moki-dokie]

You know what I'm disappointed in Tumblr for not collectively being down tremendously bad for Nosferatu. It's the most Tumblr movie to hit theatres in years and y'all are sleeping on it. Fucking SHAME

It's got EVERYTHING!!!

The most respectful homage to daddy king of horror movies/silent films in general for the film nerds

Some of the most beautiful shots I have seen in literal decades for the limited color use and spooky fantastical light sources for all the camera/techy nerds

Extremely intricate and detailed and drop dead gorgeous costuming that I'm going to assume was like half the budget bc holy SHIT. Best period accuracy for that time and place maybe I've ever seen. Costume hos where you at on this??

PHENOMENAL practical effects and prosthetics.

RATS!!! LIKE FIVE THOUSAND RATS!!!!

Extremely homoerotic bloodsucking like you cannot even imagine. I could have watched sloppy bareback gay porn and it would not have been half as erotic as THAT scene was.

The most pathetic "I love my wife!!!!!" man to grace my eyeballs in such a long time. He's wet. He's traumatized. He's a poor damsel in distress. His only focus is to get back to his batshit wife. After meeting the most terrifying and creepy walking corpse he complains at the guy for taking the locket his wife gave him. He's so wet. So often. Just. Sad sad dripping wet blorboest blorbo. I love him.

Horror that is not just jump scares and gore. Horror that makes you profoundly uncomfortable. Horror that makes you think. Horror that's disgusting. Horror that's psychological. Horror that is an open interpretation for a lot of different things.

It's a fucked up love story. Seriously. The cast referred to it as a love triangle. A toxic one - even better.

That score??? Goddamn that was some majestic scoring.

Ride or die bff's!!!! Sapphic vibes even!!!

The most insane woman ever who could do 0 wrong. Her performances are so good and weird and intense. I wish she could have like burned down a village full of evil people or something she deserved it.

I frankly don't agree with the folks that feel like she got fridged. She took control of the narrative as soon as she realized what would kill him. She made the choice before any of them. She used the vile power that had haunted her so long to destroy it - for good

Willem Dafoe being a lovely unhinged madman, as usual.

Size difference like holy fuck size difference!!!!!! Nosferatu BIIIIIG!!!!

Nasty ugly gross creepy proper monster!!

MONSTER DICK. FULL FRONTAL MONSTER DICK!!!!!!

It has EVERYTHIIIIIIIING GO SEE IT!!!!!

[gutz-radio]

Stranger things spoilers below:

This season sucked BALLS. I shouldn't be but yet I am still amazed at how the Duffer Balls manage to have literal gold in their hands and chose to shit on it. Eddie's death was lazy writing. It was poor and just a quick and cheap way to wash away the whole 'Satanic Cult' bullshit. Also what is it with leaving his fucking CORPSE in the Upside Down for christ's sake. You couldn't even bring his fucking corpse back?? Nah fuck that. Disrespect to Eddie and a waste of a fucking brilliant actor like Joseph Quinn. And if that didn't make me angry enough, let me proceed with the rest of the mountains of bullshit. 1. This constant flip flop between Stancy and Jancy. Honest to fucking god I hate love triangles enough as a trope itself but for god's fucking sake this is basically taking a SEMI TRUCK INTO STEVE AND NANCY'S GODDAMN DEVELOPMENT. Steve's whole shit was learning to move from Nancy and Nancy finding a better connection with Jonathan. Oh, and Jonathan was treated like SHIT by the Duffers this season. Him being a stoner makes no fucking sense it was pulled out of goddamn fucking nowhere. 2. Whatever they were trying to pull with Will's sexuality flopped harder than Chrissy's corpse on the floor of the Munson's trailer. Like I don't even like Byler but A. it was vague as shit and B. They really used him just to push the Mileven agenda. Good job on completely fucking up Duffers. Brilliant

3. THE WHOLE FUCKING BULLSHIT WITH DEMONISING BILLY FOR THE 483TH TIME GOD'S SAKE. My man is dead. He has been fucking skewered like a fucking kebab and never got to live his fucking life and better himself and get away from his shit garbage father. I accepted that at the end that he's not coming back, but by god the Duffers can't just let my man die in fucking peace. No, instead they have to drag him through the goddamn mud again with Max's bullshit speech that I hate with all my might. That he 'didn't deserve to be saved'. Nice message there, telling people who have been in Billy's shoes that because they have been abused and mistreated and lash out because VICTIM'S AREN'T FUCKING PERFECT THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH SHIT NO PERSON SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH, may or may not deserve a change for a better life. Billy SACRIFICED HIMSELF and became a fucking MARTYR over a memory of when he was happy and the smallest show of tenderness and caring from a child he DOESN'T EVEN KNOW that made him overpower a GODDAMN MIND CONTROLLING ELDRITCH ABOMINATION MONSTER AND SAVE EVERYONE. And the thanks he gets is the Duffers pissing on his grave. I will forever be fucking pissed at this writing and the Duffers should NEVER try write a character in an abusive situation again because by GOD they did it POORLY.

4. The sympathy bullshit for Brenner and Henry/Vecna/One. So you are telling me they made Brenner sympathetic with this "I oNlY wAnTeD tO hElP yOu" bullshit, and did this whole melancholy music scene. No fuck that. This man stole CHILDREN from their mothers and fried Terry Ives' brains to the point she can't have a normal fucking life and is stuck in a vegetable state for the rest of her life. He also abused these fucking kids and tortured them. FUCK HIM. And sympathy because of Henry/Vecna/One because of what Brenner did? saying he's not a monster? After he fucking killed INNOCENT KIDS and his own goddamn family? Getting his dad thrown into a mental asylum for a crime he didn't commit? Basically having an ideology that would involve fucking murdering all of humanity? And we had glimpses of sympathy through Eleven telling him he didn't need to do this? FUCK THAT TOO.

The ONLY redeeming things in this hellfire garbage shit show was

Lucas beating Jason

Jopper and the Russia stuff

Mike's speech to Eleven because I'm a sucker for Mileven

The smallest fizzle of hope that Robin might get a romantic interest

This season was executed poorly. It was so bad it made me miss the dumpster fire of Season 3. That's how bad it was. And I have no hope for Season 5, the only reason I'll watch it because I hate not knowing how a story ends, even if in the end it sucks ass and I'm left forever disappointed at how what once was a good story with a good plot and characters I adored and cared for became a complete fucking mess of fanservice, 80s pop culture references, lazy writing, and shitty horror for the sake of 'edge' and 'shock'.

I said it once and I'll say it again: Stanger Things should have ended in Season fucking TWO.

[multsicorn]

book-and-show

My preferred mix of the two canons is basically ‘The Untamed, but Wei Wuxian lost control of his zombies by his own goddamned self, and also plot/logic holes are taped over by explanations from the book when needed and possible.  And we know that wangxian are together and will be married, but we're left with spaces to fill in the details.’  (One of the cool/interesting things about having multiple versions of a canon is that one can mix and match!)  But there are definitely things that I prefer, separately, about each.

[two very long lists.  all of which are all about personal opinions/preferences, and none of which are looking to start discourse!]

Eight Things I liked better about the show:

1. "Who am I to you?"  "I had thought, that you were the one who knew me for my whole life."  "Still, I am." is *twenty zillion times* more romantic than a stolen blindfold kiss, in a way that pretty much encapsulates why I so much prefer show to novel wangxian overall.  And in this TED talk - I mean, in another post, hopefully, in not too long, I will.

2. Lan Wangji's explicit questioning of and overturning his understanding of 'what is right, and what is wrong,' rather than simply being motivated by 'if loving Wei Wuxian is wrong, then screw everything else.'

3. Introducing so very many characters earlier in the chronological timeline, and showing us more about them and their relationships prior to Wei Wuxian's death - and outside of the key moments in which they're involved in the plot.  Wen Qing and Wen Ning, Jiang Yanli, Mianmian, Songxiao, Xue Yang, Meng Yao - this list could also be its own post.

4. More focus on the Sunshot Campaign and its aftermath, pre-death, specifically on the period when Wei Wuxian is the feared necromancer, and he and his loved ones are dealing with that, against a background of war and then possibly more war.  It's by far my favorite part of the narrative, just because of my preferences re: genres, so I appreciate it being foregrounded rather than just a backstory that's shown in flashbacks.

5. The successive confrontations between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji over 'leaving the right path'!  In the courtyard, when Lan Wangji pulls Bichen on Wei Wuxian to make him listen; in the sad umbrella rain, when Wei Wuxian holds Chenqing out in front of him, defying Lan Wangji's efforts to rein him in.  These things probably fall under the umbrella of the TED talk from the first point, but they're the beating heart of WHY I LOVE THIS STORY.  And they're not even in the novel...!  I thank the CQL team for my life.

6. Also, THE COMB STORY.  I'd never have thought either that 'how do we improve an m/m romance novel?  By adding a het romance subplot, of course,' but the fact is that I love the dimension it adds to both Jiang Cheng's and Wen Qing's stories.  Highlighting their shared loyalty to their clans - except not shared, because they're from different clans! - but their shared *understanding* of what righteousness, justice, etc., is, and the way it leads to their tragedies, and the way it's a counterpoint to Wei Wuxian's and Lan Wangji's different and ultimately shared understanding of 'what is right' and the way *that* brings *them* together is just... so good.  I am getting over it approximately never, and, again, it's show-original.

7. And I think the last big thing - other than, the acting's wonderful, imo, the visuals are great, (even the 'bad' special effects? I like 'em kinda ridiculous?), and when the prose-in-translation of all versions is iffy at best, (not judging MXTX's prose! or the scriptwriters'! but I unfortunately cannot read or understand it) it's REALLY NICE to have other major dimensions of the story that aren't lost or diminished in translation.  Honestly, I am only watching cdramas and not reading cnovels (I only read MDZS so I'd know what's in it) for that reason alone.  But in terms of *story* stuff -

8. I think that censoring wangxian's relationship down to the '(really really loud) subtext' level counterintuitively also makes the rest of the story seem considerably gayer.  If wangxian exists in hints and looks and narrative parallels etc., then likewise, so do the 3zun and Yi City triangles.  Not as much as wangxian, but they're more minor characters, and they're on the same continuum... to the extent that I legit thought that songxiao and xiyao would also be novel canon.  (They are not.)  If Wei Wuxian shocking Lan Wangji by showing him gay porn in the library, and commenting on Lan Wangji's beauty, is because he is actually into guys, then maybe Nie Huaisang lending Wei Wuxian that same porn, and also commenting on Lan Wangji's beauty, means the same thing, if that's all we have to go on. etc.

Nine Things I liked better about the book:

1. There's something about Wei Wuxian's narrative voice, the running commentary that he gives about others and most of all himself that is... funny?  Yes, it is, but that's not the part I love.  It's hard to pin down, but the pattern of the things he judges and the things he doesn't judge at all, even though maybe he should, but he really has so much empathy - in the literal sense, I mean, as well as the magical - is very specific and endearing?  He's exactly like that in the show, too, but we hear much less of it when he's not telling the story.

2. Getting to hear A-Qing in her Empathy fleshes out her cleverness and her bravery, again, in a way that's not easy to replicate seeing it from outside of her head.  (I think we may have more of all of the ducklings/juniors, actually, but I'm just not all that interested in their friendly banter.  Not when there's life-rending trauma in the OG of the same story!)

3. From the chronological start of the story, the Wens' domination and power-hunger is portrayed in a realpolitik way that's both more interesting and fits the rest of the story better, with the Jins later filling that same vacuum, and fearing Wei Wuxian's potential to do the same sort of thing to them, etc., as chronologically following and competing different takes on the struggle for power, without any need for the flat fantasy mcguffins of the Yin Iron or the 'spirit snatch.'

4. Wei Wuxian ~appreciating~ Nie Mingjue's dead body parts is hliarious. I love him hanging out with the corpse girls.  I love the Wens risingout of the blood pool for him ;___;.  Overall his relationship withthe corpses that he magics is such a cool weird fun part of the book,that is missing in the show except his friendship with Wen Ning for'let's make a show about necromancy but pretend it's not' reasons.

5. The fact that Wangxian don't split up and go their own ways at the end of the story, even temporarily!  I could go either way on 'Lan Wangji becomes Chief Cultivator' - I like the way that it moves into 'the future will be better than the past, and we'll work to make it that way', in the same way that 'the kids are alright' does, and the fact that Lan Wangji hates diplomacy and is bad at it can make for good amusing stories!  But I also approve of the fact that the personal win condition for so very many of these characters is to peace right the fuck out of sect politics, (like Mianmian our true hero does <3), and I believe in that as a happy ending.

6. Wei Wuxian's and Lan Wangji's complementary ~ravishment~ kinks.  I don't like the exact way they're written in the novel (and extras), but I *will* take and run with the existence of them, nevertheless.

7. The post-resurrection plot makes, um, sense?  Let's not forget the importance of that!  (But, honestly, 'must a plot make sense'?  It's not all that important to me, lol.)   Going from one place to another to collect the pieces of 'our dead friend's' body rather than seemingly at random makes the journey feel purposeful rather than direction-less, and gives an indication of progress that's not simply 'amount of the story read as per chapter count.'  Though it's still not clear to me why the juniors squad needs to be in Yi City!

8. It has more of Wei Wuxian's inventiveness.  Whether founding the Diabolic Path rather than 'just' inventing some tools and talismans within and also outside of it, or figuring out/explaining how some sort of magic works, whether lecturing to the juniors or working it out for himself, or something like that one night-hunting extra where he's being a supernatural consulting detective... it's fun to see more of his ~mind at work,~ in a way that doesn't fit as well either into an audiovisual medium or under the constraints of 'what is happening? definitely not corpse magic!' that censorship imposes.

9. The structure of revealing what happened in (what I can't help thinking of as) the main portion of the plot - who Wei Wuxian is, what his life story is, and Lan Wangji's part in it - through interleaved and not even necessarily in-order flashbacks is... so interesting?  Unfortunately I can't tell how well it would've worked for me in terms of changing my understandings of characters etc., because I watched the show before I read the book, so I came to it knowing the outlines of the story.  But it's a cool idea, and I wish that I could experience it properly!  (Though I would never have read the book without watching the show first, I would've failed out at the start due to translation issues and then if I'd persisted past that due to all the gay chicken stuff.)

[syntheticsoulmates]

Day 6-Everyday

Hello everyone! Extra thanks to @duplicitywrites for coming up with the idea of a Groundhog Day! 

***

The worst part is that Harry never remembers him.

***

Tom is holding Harry's guts in.  Harry's in so much pain his eyes aren't tracking, and a bubble of blood forms at his lips. It pops and droplets flick onto Tom’s face. It doesn't matter. What's a little more blood?

“Go,” Harry wheezes, and Tom's genuinely impressed he made actual sound, with the state his diaphragm isn’t in. He lackadaisically waves one hand, before he realizes that it's missing and just. Stops. “We both know this doesn't matter.”

Tom nods.  It doesn't matter, not really. But it also does, to Tom, so Tom stops applying pressure with his hands and waits for that glow in Harry's eyes to die before he moves on.

***

Tom used to be terrified of dying. He's not anymore. He's done it so many times, so many different ways. How can you be afraid of something that happens every day?

***

“How did you get it to stop?” Tom asks, desperate, the first time he meets Harry.

Harry takes a deep breath, caps an Inferi over Tom’s shoulder. The way he moves is unreal. His voice is casual. “I got injured, real bad, but not enough to die right away. I passed out and the field medics got me. They bled me out, until it was red again.” Another burst of fire, another dropped horde of Inferi. Tom isn’t sure if he’s full of envy or dread.

“It hurt so bad I thought I died for real,” Harry laughs, cheerfully, and shoots another one.  

***

“We should fuck,” Tom states. He’s staring at the nape of Harry's neck, at the line of clean-looking skin at Harry's hairline where his sweat has pushed away the grime. He wants to lick it. Or bite it. He's not picky.

Harry glares at him out of the corner of his eye, still maintaining good coverage with his gun. It's pointless. There aren't any Inferi until they hit the second outbuilding, and Tom will kill those three.

“I’m going to go with no, Riddle. And I'm not even flattered.” Harry's voice is dry, but Tom knows him so well he can tell he's amused despite himself.

Tom shrugs, like he doesn't want this almost as bad as he wants the morrow. “We have before,” he lies.

Harry shakes his head, obviously exasperated. There's a smile on the corners of his lips. Tom loves that smile. “I don't believe you.”

Tom shouldn't be surprised. Tom is new to Harry every day, but he still hasn't managed to successfully lie to him even once. Every day, Harry just looks up from where Tom blows the Inferi off of him, says a small, ‘Oh, you too?’, and follows him off the battlefield. Just like that. Still, Tom’s offended, more than he should be.

“What, you don't think you would ever condescend to bed me? You're straight?” Tom snarls. “I'm not ‘your type’?”

“No.” Harry's smiling outright now, and it takes the edge of Tom's anger, just like that. “I think I've been waiting. I’ll keep waiting. I'll wait until it will motivate you the most,” he says, sly, eyes gleaming.

***

“Good luck today, Tom,” Harry wishes him, voice soft. Tom can't feel his body, can't move his legs. The Inferi are screaming for flesh, and Tom can hear it getting closer. They have one bullet. Harry puts the barrel of his service pistol to Tom’s forehead and pulls the trigger.

***

Dumbledore twinkles at him, the rat bastard, and tells him he’s needed on the front lines, to boost morale. Tom declines. That's not what he does. He's handsome and he knows it. His father had abandoned him, left him only a face, but it's a damn good one, and he's used it to stay invaluable and thus invulnerable, in the war. Tom does recruitment and public relations and social media relations. He does not fight.

Dumbledore twinkles and twinkles until he stops. Tom ends up in the front lines anyway.

***

Tom vomits after he kills his first Inferi. It's not because it looks almost human, despite being over pale with a strange triangle circle amalgamation on its brow. He's killed humans before—father. grandfather. grandmother—and he didn't puke then. He'd felt high, as close to believing in God that he'd ever been. It had felt addictive and heady and right and he'd decided right then he’d never do it again because otherwise he'd never stop.

No, Tom vomits because the creature explodes into viscous black sludge, splattering his nose and mouth, squirting on his tongue. The fluid tastes like anise and motor oil and Tom knows the instant he tastes it everything is wrong. He dies for the first time, fifteen minutes later, teeth still stained black.

***

He and Harry are in a tiny cabin. Tom plucks a shotgun from inside the pantry and some buckshot from a drawer in the bathroom. He hands both to Harry.

Harry smiles at him, wan. He’s tired, and Tom knows he’s in pain all up his side from being thrown by the Inferi. “Thanks, Tom.”

Tom kisses him, brief, his mouth scorching hot against his own. He's been cold, so very cold, ever since he started dying. He's not sure if it's psychological or because there is black sludge to replace the blood in his chest.

Harry’s smile brightens, his cheeks the tiniest bit red. “Thanks for that too.”

***

Dumbledore doesn't believe them about the Deathly Hallows. He calls Harry his boy and fixes Tom tea and listens as Tom drags up his whole life history from Gellert and his baby Aryan group to his poor sister and the hospice incidents.

He doesn't and doesn't and doesn't and doesn't, until Tom presses a kiss to Harry’s brow and pushes Harry's gun down and asks him not to shoot, that doesn’t work, please love. He’s not sure if he even means it. He's so sick of Dumbledore’s twinkle.

Dumbledore hands over the Deathstick Harry had confiscated from the Inferi. After that Tom remembers the goddamned combination.

***

The Resurrection Stone Tom knows by now to pry out of the forehead of that first Inferi he killed, and still kills. He has to be quick about it, because every day Harry's nearly half the field away, every day Harry's got an Inferi poised over his neck for Tom to punt off of him.

He gets very fast.

***

“I just don't know where the Cloak is,” Tom whispers. He and Harry are playing hooky today, pretending the lights in the sky are fireworks instead of mortar and heavy artillery fire.

Harry's head is heavy on Tom’s shoulder. He's crying, silent with it, eyes so swollen Tom can only see slits of green. It's so painful for him to sit here, Tom doesn't think he'll ever ask Harry to do this again, no matter how many more years this stretches.

He folds his arm around Harry, squeezes him tight. He presses a kiss to Harry's hair. It smells good for once, from their selfish shower. His brain doesn’t quite know how to reconcile it as Harry.  

***

The Cloak is in the Inferi’s Spawn Maw. Tom and Harry scope it out over the course of three days, and his stomach flips when he sees the pattern, or lack of one.

The few Inferi he and Harry kill at the Maw don't recycle. For the first time, since this never ending day began, something different is happening.

It’s only at the Maw, but that's enough. Time doesn't reset there. A fear he thought long dead—ha! rekindles in his belly.  

Harry gets it a good while after he does, when they retreat, after Tom zips him into a shared sleeping bag and curls up beside him, breathing in the scent of his filthy hair. He’s exhausted, bone deep, but he fights the urge to sleep, choosing instead to savor these last moments with Harry, before Tom goes to shoot himself and they cycle back around. His mind has honed and honed and honed itself, but his body is still the same as that first day, fit but not hardened with it.

Harry goes perfectly still. He takes Tom’s hand in between his, grip tight. Tom knows if he looked, he'd see Harry's fingers dimpling hard enough to blanch Tom's skin even paler white. “Promise me, Tom. Promise me you won't do it alone.”

Tom nuzzles deep into Harry's hair. It smells awful, like blood and burnt gunpowder and Harry’s drying fear sweat. He breathes in deeper and doesn't reply.

Harry always knows when he's lying, after all.

***

They’re back at the cabin. Tom leaves the shotgun and the buckshot where they are. He takes a step towards Harry instead.

“Please,” Tom whispers. He gently pulls the gun from Harry’s hands, then hooks his fingers into the curls of Harry’s belt loops.  He pulls Harry to him, gentle. “Please,” he repeats. In another time, another life, he'd have never said that word, never could have meant it. But this one day has become a new lifetime, and he means it now.

Harry melts to him, body going soft, pliant. He holds Tom’s face in his hands. They're gritty and acrid-smelling from gunpowder. Tom rubs his cheeks against them, presses kisses against the calluses on the inside of his palms.  

“Please, Harry, let me have you.” He whispers into Harry's skin. “Let me remember this for the both of us,” he pleads. He pulls Harry closer, grinds his hips, slow. “Let me.”

“Okay,” Harry nods. “Okay.” He kisses Tom back.

***

In the end, the Spawn Maw’s is just as horrific as he never could have imagined.

He does end up taking Harry, if only because he can’t fucking shake him after punting that Inferi off his almost-corpse, and he refuses to fix a future where Harry dies. He can’t shake Harry, so he also ends up taking a ragtag bunch of deserters he quite literally stumbled across about five years in todays ago instead of just stealing their Semtex. They’re crazy, and it takes less than fifteen minutes of convincing before they’re game.

“Groundhog Day!” The crazy curly haired woman who runs the group gleefully crows. She shot and killed him the first time, and Tom literally just saw her put a blasting cap in her mouth and bite down, so he thinks it’s understandable he misses her name. Stranger, maybe?

There are more Inferi in this maw than Tom could ever imagined, and half of the deserters are gone before they even get inside.

Inside holds a huge pool of black liquid, like the sludge Tom holds in his veins. It’s still, still, until one of the deserters trips as one of the Inferi tries to rip off his arms falls in. Then Inferi come pouring out, more bodies than that slick black morass could possibly hold.

The Cloak doesn’t turn out to be an object in quite the way the Stone and the Deathstick are, but more like a thick fur-like thing grown into a giant Inferi’s skin. It’s marked with the same bastardized circle triangle as that very first Inferi he killed and kills. He and Harry end up kneeling on the shrieking Inferi’s too many jointed limbs as Stranger-maybe laughs madly and flays it.

She’s barely ripped the last stretch of the Cloak free in a burst of anise and motor oil when even more Inferi pour in. She’s still laughing and holding it triumphantly aloft as she dies. Harry pulls the Cloak from her hands, and there’s no time.

“Riddle,” Harry stares at him with wide eyes. Tom hasn’t kissed his lips once today and he feels the lack like a split in his soul. Harry passes him the Cloak. “There’s no time.”

There are neatly packed blocks of Semtex in the backpack Stranger-maybe was carrying. Tom has the Stone and the Deathstick in his own, and the thick morass of the Cloak dripping in his hands.

Tom ignores the startled look in Harry’s eyes when he takes Harry’s hand for the boom.

***

Tom wakes up. His body is not sore and the sun is shining. It’s not today. Tom looks around, and some distant dim recognition supposes it might be yesterday. He’s not certain if this is better or worse, until he notices the people sort of milling about, stunned and aimless.

“The Inferi just keeled over and stopped moving,” one woman tells him, somewhat stunned. Tom lets her go, stunned himself.

His hand bleeds red when he cuts it. Tom could laugh in sheer joy.

It takes an interminable three hours to find him.

“Harry Potter.” Tom calls out, knowing better than to startle Harry. He can’t stop smiling and it feels unnatural on his face.

Harry jerks up from where he’s polishing his gun, looks Tom up and down. He smiles back. “Oh, you too?”

[dear-wormwoods]

Ch.2 reactions part three

Spoilers ahead for everything! I have a lot to say about the walking tours, especially Eddie’s.

Walking Tours

Beverly

- The lady playing Mrs. Kersh was SO good. Funny, creepy, weird. I’ve seen a lot of reviews complain that in general the movie wasn’t scary enough and the scars felt childish, and I’m sitting here like... that’s the point. IT isn’t supposed to be THAT scary in a traditional horror way. IT is supposed to be campy and funny. Mrs. Kersh was equal parts scary and funny, so it was good.

- Okay but what happened to Bev’s mom? What were they implying in that flashback? “what she did” “she was sick” “she did it because she was embarrassed” ... they talk as if she’s dead, so she probably didn’t just leave Alvin. Bev saying she’s sick could mean that she died from that illness, but Alvin makes it sound like it wasn’t an accident or natural. So what, did she kill herself? And Alvin blames Bev for some reason? I want clarification, Andy.

- Bev... why did you pocket those 27 year old stale as fuck cigarettes??

- I’ve always loved the visual of Beverly running out of the apartment and then turning around only to see that it was boarded up and abandoned all along. Both the novel and the miniseries do this moment really effectively, and Ch.2 didn’t let me down.

Richie

- Already wrote about the arcade scene in another post, but again, loved that they picked up on Richie’s fears being rooted in public humiliation and how he’s perceived by others. This scene portrayed that effectively. I think it would have been more effective if the other kid was Eddie, but I get why it couldn’t be, since the whole point of these flashbacks is to show them being alone. 

- I’m trying to think about the possible meaning behind the bats flying out of Paul Bunyan’s mouth? But I’m not coming up with anything good. So maybe it wasn’t meant to be symbolic, just spooky/gross. The only thing that comes to mind depends on Richie’s subtle identification with the statue - if the statue is Richie, then the bats flying out of the empty cavern-mouth could be symbolic that everything that comes out of Richie’s mouth is empty too? Since he’s always bullshitting? I dunno.

- Even the ‘dirty little secret’ taunt was more about public perception than the actual secret. The visuals there were so good - the high contrasting color shift, how everyone in the park stops and stares at Richie to emphasize the root of his fear... perfect.

- This has been talked about a lot already, but the upside down triangle of balloons was definitely a purposeful connection back to Pennywise using the upside down triangle on Eddie in Ch.1.

- Loved zombie Adrian appearing to Richie, because it draws such a strong connection to between Richie’s fear of public consequences and... the actual potential public consequences of being out. Don had the same fears as Richie and Adrian didn’t listen to him, then Adrian died. So Pennywise throwing Adrian’s corpse into the mix, showing Richie someone who looks and dresses like Eddie dead and decaying... it’s powerful. Richie has this visual of what could have happened to Eddie if he ever let his secret out, if they ever tried to be happy together, and the flyer Adrian hands him tells him it’s gonna happen to him too. On top of all of that, Adrian calling Richie handsome is Pennywise taunting Richie with someone who looks like Eddie, flirting with him the way he always hoped Eddie would.

Bill

- Bill and Stephen King interacting was so funny, and I loved King mocking his own damn self insert... he knows he drops the ball on endings a lot.

- Bill: “it could beat the devil”... cut to the bike falling apart while he attempts to ride it. So good.

- My one complaint/question about Bill’s walking tour is that I don’t understand how Bill got the paper boat? Like, how could he have gotten it unless Pennywise literally wanted to give it to him? Does that mean Pennywise knew all along what Mike was planning and wanted to aid them in collecting their trinkets JUST so IT could then later do the dramatic reveal that Mike lied? Probably. 

- I really love all of Bill’s interactions with Dean the skateboard kid. And you know... since most of Bill’s big scenes are with Dean, Georgie, and his own younger self, it really made James McAboy’s shortness largely a non-issue. No one can tell you’re short as hell if you only interact with children!

Ben

- Turtle sighting!

- The idea of Ben choosing to go to summer school because he has nothing better to do... relatable.

-  Pennywise manifesting as Beverly... what a good parallel to Pennywise manifesting as Eddie to Richie back in Ch.1. Interesting how Pennywise knows how to use loved ones to lure these two pining boys into a false sense of security and then freak them the fuck out. 

- “Beverly would never say that” was such a heartbreaking moment. He’s right! Bev would never say that! But even knowing that, it doesn’t stop him from hating his body. :(

- “Kiss me, fat boy!” = iconic.

- I really want to know more about Ben keeping the yearbook page in his wallet for 27 years. Did he keep it without really understanding why? He just knew he needed to? Or does it mean he really did remember Beverly the whole time? And if so, did he remember her vaguely or clearly?

Eddie

- Okay first of all, James Ransone has Eddie’s mannerisms and facial expressions down so well it’s uncanny. Like when he first went up to the pharmacy counter, he LITERALLY looked exactly like Jack did in Ch.1 when he was standing at the counter. And his eyes!!! Are so big!!! And beautiful!!!

- “...Cancer?”

- Loved the transition from older to younger here, and the CGI on Jack was waaaaaaayyyyy less noticeable in this scene. Way less. 

- “Thanks. For the inhaler... not for the... penis... thing.”

- The way Eddie says mommy... it’s so cute, every time.

- Eddie’s screech when he bumped into the plastic container. 

- MY THOUGHTS ON THE REST OF EDDIE’S WALKING TOUR GOT TOO LONG SO I’M MAKING IT A SEPARATE POST LMAO.

[catharticboredom]

I did not have fun playing this game. Like sure the gameplay itself was fun, but there was an underlying sense of dread. And no not bc I knew how it was gonna end, or that Joel died, but bc 1) for Ellie’s campaign it is a dumb revenge plot and the journey itself was so morbid, yet still tried to pull off a lighthearted tone, vs the first game which had a sense of hope and a reason to keep playing. And 2) we played as Abby waaaaay too much, and I did not give a shit about any of her friends and WLF members, except for Yara and Lev.

For Ellie, it’s like “oh teehee I love bantering with my girlfriend, teehee...also I want to avenge my surrogate father and will stop at nothing to do so...teehee I love playing the guitar and singing”. I am not saying Ellie needs to be miserable, bc in this world you have to move on from your grief to keep surviving, but everything like there is a lighthearted moment I am just reminded that Joel is dead and that we are on a dumb revenge mission. And the flashbacks with Joel felt...idk off? Like I know their relationship has been tumultuous since the fireflies, but it felt jarring to be like “Ellie is suspicious of Joel” in the first scene of them together (where he plays her that song) and then to “Ellie and Joel are on good terms and are bantering” for the museum scene (which happens chronologically after), to “there is tension between them again” for the segment where we are accompanied by Tommy for a bit.

For Abby, they tried to make us sympathetic towards her, Owen etc, but I found all of them so boring, and also like we already hate them for killing Joel. And though I love Yara and Lev, it is such a transparent attempt to make us like Abby. Also idk why they thought it would be a good idea to have dumb relationship drama in this game, bc I do not care about any of these characters, and even if I did, a love triangle where a guy is cheating on his pregnant gf is not really something I can get behind. And going back to Y+L, it was just more torture p*rn for 2 characters of colour, and even more so for the trans character, where: he is deadnamed and called an abomination; his mother tries to strangle/kill him bc he is trans and he kills her out of self-defence; his sister had her arm amputated and then she just dies unceremoniously; and the ppl he grew up with are out to kill him (also there was the graphic shot of him and Yara having gotten hanged with their guts spilling out).

Also, as I have mentioned, the tone was all over the fucking place. From “these two wlw just got brutally beaten up” to immediately “oh look at the cute baby, oh so cute, let’s herd some fucking sheep!” to sudden PTSD (by this I mean Ellie didn’t have it before on her trek with Dina). And again, the awkward tone with the banter and the fact that it’s a revenge plot. I could probably come up with more examples but those are just off the top of my head.

Oh yeah 6 out of 6 black characters died. Sure Isaac was a bad guy, but did they really need to make the ruthless f*scist black? Also Jesse and Yara died unceremoniously, and they even had a shot of Yara’s corpse being shot up a bit by Seraphites shooting at the WLF or whatever.

The ending of this game sucked—it did not feel earned (ie Abby didn’t die) and it was very tacked on (after the theatre brawl). By no means did I expect a happy ending, but not one where the lesbian main character ends up alone (which is her biggest fear) and unable to play the guitar (her only connection to her surrogate father). Like the final fisticuff fight felt so one bc Abby literally didn’t even wanna fight and only did so bc of Lev. I get that he is her moral compass or whatever, but the fight felt so stupid bc again, one of them wasn’t even into it, vs if idk Ellie taunted Abby by reminding A of her last words to E (“I better not see you again” or w/e) or that E killed A’s friends.

And as I have stated in various other posts, I KNOW that the message is “ViOLenCe BAD, fAmiLy GOOD”...but the game literally has this perverse feel to it in the way that the death animations are extremely graphic, they intentionally wanted to make the player feel worse by the enemies calling out their friends’ names or w/e, have you kill dogs with their whining death noises, have skill trees + weapon upgrades designed to improve your killing ability, and having to kill to get through the game (sneaking around and not killing at all is too difficult).

What I wanted was a game to give me a sense of hope like in the first game. Neil keeps sucking his own dick by saying this game is subversive, but a revenge plot with a sympathetic villain is anything but. The FIRST game was subversive bc, at the time at least, with all these other AAA games (not all of them ofc) being edgy and such, it was so refreshing to see a game about grief and found family and hope and a father-daughter relationship (which is NOT to say the first game is flawless). This game is tour run-of-the-mill edgelord game that has stuff in it for shock value in place of a good story.

Basically fuck this game and fuck Neil Druckmann

[moczothe1st]

Let’s Play Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy War, Part 26: The Julius Formerly Known as Prince

Part 25

Welcome back to Fire Emblem IV! Last week we had started our invasion of Grannvale, coming up to it through the southern Miletos district, and in so doing got to smack the crap out of Tinni’s crazy aunt, who unfortunately managed to get away.  These things happen.  This week, we have to start off by opening the gates that will allow us to proceed north to Miletos itself.  

I’m just gonna say, if you guys wanna stop now, I’m down for that. How about we just move in to Hilda’s old torture castle and set up there? Do we really need to beat the Empire?

Yes?

Shit.  

Ah, well.

Well, to start, we need to take Rados castle, which is thankfully unoccupied after we killed all its inhabitants last week. It’s cool, they were gross people.  Though first, I have Ced grab the village right north of it…

Behind the Times: Not so long ago, from what I hear, Emperor Arvis himself forbade ‘em. What the devil could’ve changed his mind? Please, I’m begging you, you’ve gotta save our children! Here, this magic ring oughta help you out.

Niiiiiiiiiiice. This pushes Ced’s magic above the 30-point cap, leaving him even more of a killing machine that he already is.  Dude doesn’t even have a holy weapon, he’s just raw badass. Cairpre also continues his path to minor godhood.  

This kid was level one on the last map, and he’s going to be promoted and breaking skulls right along with the rest of the kids next map. I’m so proud of him.  

Seliph, take the castle and set the story going, my man!

(Yeah, but he had to be a man named Morrigan, so who really suffered the most?)

Seliph: How could they… how could anyone be so savage…?

Lewyn: And that’s why we’ve got to fight this war to the end, Seliph. This is something you’ve got to understand.

(OKAY WE GET IT JEEZ STOP PESTERING ME DAD)

Lewyn: This is the way of the Loptyr Empire. There’s no place at all for the good-hearted… Now, it shouldn’t be too long before the gate to Miletos opens for us.  

(…. Why…?)

Lewyn: What’s your next move, Seliph?

Seliph: Needless to say, we must march on Miletos. We can’t afford to rest while those children are still at risk. Or Julia, for that matter.

Lewyn: Good. And after that, Grannvale awaits!

(OH FUCK IT’S ISHTAR)

(Oh, and also Arvis. Man, you have not aged well, buddy. I’d feel bad for you, but you know… the rape and murder and stuff.)

Arvis: Listen, Ishtar. Release the captive children.  I know you care no more for these foul deeds than I do.

Ishtar: My apologies, sir, but I’m on Prince Julius’s-

Arvis: Pay Julius no mind. I’ll be having a word with him soon.

(Funny story, bro, he said the same thing about you last week, and I’m a bit more scared of him at this point.)

Ishtar: But…

Arvis: This is an order from your emperor, Ishtar! Has Julius bent you such that you will no longer listen to the word of your liege?!

Ishtar: N-no. Never, your majesty…

(Speak of the [Literal?] Devil.)

Arvis: Julius! How dare you-

Julius: Why, Father, it almost sounds as if you still don’t know any better! Old age must be dulling that once-brilliant mind of yours. Why not retire before it grows still feebler? Unless… ohohohoho! Don’t tell me you still seriously believe that you can banish me?

Arvis:  … No. I know better than to try something so futile again. I… have no further objection.

Julius: That’s better. Now, then. Begone! Return to your post and haunt my sight no more. Defending Chalphy is crucial, so don’t fail me for once in your sorry life, Father.  

(Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, son, you just got burned.  Or should that be Julienned?)

Arvis: Y-yes, Julius. At once…

(God, it’s like every creeper left in the game is all gathering in this one castle to see who can be most sleazy. If Hilda shows up, I’m going to need to stop to take a shower.)

Manfroy: Never would you think this wretch, now clinging only to the ghost of a crown, was once the most powerful man in Jugdral.  

Julius: Ah, Manfroy. Where’s Julia? Have you restored her memory yet?

Manfroy: Your dear little sister is in Chalphy, burdened once more by her old memories. Never have I seen such horror as when she recalled how you, her own brother, almost killed her! Or how her dearly departed mother spirited her clear of the castle and your clutches…

Julius: Indeed… near everyone puts up some defiance to death by my hand, yet Deirdre never so much as flinched in the end. She accepted her own demise, all to save Julia with what little strength she still had.  But Julia possesses the foul powers of that ghoul, Naga, just as Deirdre once did. Nothing is more crucial than killing her now, Manfroy, lest we lose the chance.

(………. Then… why did you need to restore her memories…?)

Manfroy: You overestimate her threat, milord. After all, the Book of Naga remains under the strictest lock and key in Belhalla. Without it, Naga’s soul could never come to dwell within that girl…

Julius: How many times must I explain, Manfroy?! Every last one of the avatars of Naga, the heirs of Heim, must be purged!

Manfroy: Understood, milord. I’ll have my men see to it that Julia is dead by sundown.

Julius: Do not fail me, Manfroy. Now, then, I suppose I’m needed in the capital.

Manfroy: I shall ensure that holding the Miletos territory is the Order’s highest priority. Before the week is done, Your Majesty, the corpse of Seliph shall lie before you.

Julius: Seliph? … Ah, of course. The one the peasants call ‘the scion of light’.  Just as they call me the ‘scion of darkness’.  The alleged eldest son of Deirdre and the alleged true heir to my throne. A fairy tale, told to inspire hope amongst fools.

Manfroy: He is still a threat, milord. The sooner we dispose of him, the better.                      

Julius: Surely he doesn’t truly bear the power of the Crusader Baldur. He couldn’t possibly. I don’t care about him, Manfroy, but you’re welcome to do with him as you will.  

Manfroy: Very good, milord.

Julius: … Actually, I have a better idea. I want to play a game.  

Julius: Rumor has it that a small army of fresh sacrifices are headed our way. Let’s see who can claim the life of a rebel first.

Ishtar: Yes, Lord Julius. I’d love to!

(Sympathetic anti-villain~)

And then the newly arrived enemies start screwing with me, thus ruining the drama of the moment. Anyhow. The army arrayed against us is arguably the worst in the entire game thus far, given they are almost all dark mages. Dark magic still has no disadvantages to anything in the weapon triangle, and a lot of them have status effect staves to fuck our advance over hard. And of course, standing near the castle…

At first glance, Ishtar actually looks worse than Obvious Final Boss Julius. She’s bulked up considerably since we last met her; her Magic has gone up by six points, speed by one, and resistance by a whopping twelve with the addition of a Barrier Ring to her inventory.  He, in contrast, has generally good stats at everything (and is a damn stone wall with 25 defense and 35 resistance) but he’s slower than her and his Loptyr tome is heavier than her Mjolnir.  Beyond being a stone wall, he appears to be less dangerous than her.

This is a filthy lie.

You see, Ishtar is stronger than her last fight with us, but we’ve leveled up far more than she has since then. She’s certainly still very dangerous thanks to her combo of Mjolnir and the Vantage ability meaning if you don’t kill her in one shot she’ll wreck your ass on all further battles, but that’s nothing new. It just means we’re playing the same damn game of Nuclear Rocket Tag that we were last time, and Arthur is carrying a much bigger nuke than before. Maybe he still only has like a 60% chance of pulling it off, but I honestly can’t believe I did it at all last time.  

And as for that heavy Loptyr tome? It has a little extra trick to it that you’ll quickly come to despise.  

See that little note, ‘cuts foe’s atk’ down in the bottom left corner? See, more specifically, it cuts the attack of anyone who gets into battle with Julius by a whopping 50%. So before hitting Julius’s again, stone-wall defenses, anyone who takes a swing at him will first have their attack cut in half, at which point he will swing right back with a Holy Weapon that has no weapon triangle disadvantage to anything and is backed up by his maxed out magic stat.  And in his ability list, he has Pursuit and Accost for maximum possible double-attacking potential to go with his very high natural speed, and Wrath to cause his critical hit rate to skyrocket if you do eventually get his HP down below half.  

His 80 HP.  

So yeah, this is the game’s subtle way of telling you ‘DON’T FIGHT JULIUS’. Indeed, the easiest thing to do here would be to let him or Ishtar kill one of our soldiers and then have Cairpre revive them with the Valkyria staff, because they will both leave if one of them manages to win their ‘game.’  Which, I mean, if I get really desperate, maybe, but for the sake of my pride I’d prefer to beat one of them, causing both to retreat. And by ‘one of them,’ I mean Ishtar. And by ‘beat’ I mean, ‘Arthur, it’s time to play another round of Holy Weapon Nuclear Death Tag with your cousin, please try to survive.’  

Oh, and just for fun:

That’s Julius’s Holy Blood screen. Just in case you didn’t have enough unhappiness in your life.

Now then. First thing we need to do is clear out at least some of the enemies in play here. There’s a whole mess of Dark Mages with some melee fighters scattered among them, and they’re operating with a variety of tools, but the worst, as poor Altena found out, are the ones with Sleep staves. Status effect staves in this game are the worst; they have perfect accuracy as long as the one using them has higher Magic than the target has Resistance. In our hands, they’re balanced by only having 2-3 charges before they break. In the enemy’s hands, they have infinite charges because Fuck You, that’s why. Sleep + Hel + Any Hit of Anything is a very bad situation.  So first step is to work out where they are:

There, we have a basic cross-reference of where only high-resistance units should go. The dark mages have 16 Magic each, which isn’t much for the purposes of combat but for the purposes of Sleep Staves it might as well be a trillion. Maybe a quarter of our army can go into that crossfire zone without being zapped, and one of them is Cairpre, who can’t fight. On the other hand, he’s also the only person who can wake people up, so his staying awake forever is useful, in its own way.

Back to full power! And now, we clear out the vanguard and move the team up, making sure to keep most people firmly to the east.  

There we go. First wave down; the only people in the current batch who can lure out enemies without getting a forced nap are Ares, Fee, Ced, Tinni and Cairpre; Seliph will be able to when he actually reaches the army, but he, Nanna, and Ulster are a bit further back. He had to take the castle and they needed to do some weapon repairs.

End turn!

Ah, yes, some of them have siege tomes too. Because, again, fuck you, that’s why.

Cairpre, you’re just getting silly.  But in any event, we’ve now gotten a situation where the only people in the Sleep range are people who cannot be Sleeped, and they should also be drawing in some of the enemies from the west so we can clear out at least one or two of the staff wielders and give us some more movement range. There’s two to the west, and two to the north; the western ones should start moving on this turn now that we’ve cleared out the enemies closer to us. With luck, I can kill them both right away. End turn…

Okay, not bad. With the positioning of the enemies, I thiiiiiiiiink three of the sleep staffs can be taken out this turn without much issue.  Let’s see…

That’s one!

And that’s two, and also all we’re going to get. But the remaining two are going to put some people to sleep, but they won’t be able to get anyone killed.  That’s worth Ares getting a shit level, I guess. What remains is to clear out the final village-burning bandit of the map…

And killing off this sniper so he can’t kill Fee and ruin everything.

Good times. All right, dark mages! Please don’t kill anyone. End turn.

Lame, but tolerable. We will be able to kill one more staff guy this turn; but the second one is being… troublesome.  

He’s one of those charming robed figures firmly in Julius’s combat range. That is not a fight I want to pick.  Instead, we’ll take this other dude with the physic staff…

And pull back, trying to lure them out further. Cairpre wakes up Lester to let him do the same, and gets his like seventieth level.

To the south, we need to clear a path without letting Patty get put to sleep preferably. So I have Tinni try to clear a path, which will let Ced get through to the third Sleep user.

….

She misses. On a 90% chance. Dammit. Seliph, please?

That’s why we’re putting you on the throne later, buddy.  And now Ced can get through and remove one more stumbling block.

Beautiful. Only one staff jackass left, and the only people in his range are Tinni and Seliph.  He’ll have to move, and with any luck at all he’ll do so out of Julius’s combat range where someone can take a swing at his dumb face. End turn!

Heeeeeeeeeey buuuuuuuddy.

Niiiiice. With that, there’s only seven enemies left total; one guy with a normal tome, three siege tomes, the boss in the castle, and the two far more dangerous bosses waiting for us to get all up in their business. This will be… tricky. But for the moment, we’re safe, so I have Seliph drop in to have a conversation with Tinni.

(In all this mess, you may have forgotten Lewyn is her dad. He certainly hasn’t been very fatherly.)

Seliph: If you need anything from me, I’ll be waiting over there.

(You see what I mean about her having a character arc, now? Imagine the Tinni we first recruited saying that. She was so broken down she was going to fight us just because she was too afraid not to. And look at her now, electrocuting her aunt! I’m so proud.)

Lewyn: She didn’t treat you well, did she?

(“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA…. Oh, you’re serious…? Wow. No. No.”)

Tinni: Day after day, again and again, she would beat and abuse us. She kept on accusing Mother of being a traitor…

Lewyn: Your mother… Taillte…

Tinni: Yes… after the Battle of Belhalla, she and my brother, Arthur, fled to Silesse. I was born there soon after. I never knew my father. I think he must have died long ago…

Lewyn: I see. Then you went to Alster, right?

Tinni: King Blume and his minions came to Silesse, one night. They dragged us away to Alster… Mother never left there alive…

Lewyn: I… you’ve had such a hard life…

Tinni: Mm… Hilda hated Mother so much. I’ve never seen anything like it. Mother coped with so much, trying to protect me from Hilda. She was always in tears, right till the end…

Lewyn: She… she did…?

Tinni: Lord Lewyn? Is… is everything okay, sir?

Lewyn: … Yeah. Why do you ask?

Tinni: It’s your eyes, sir. Are those… tears?

Lewyn: I… no, it’s nothing. This is just a bit of sweat. I’m fine… I… I’m okay…

I like this conversation for a few reasons. First, it gives Tinni a ridiculous +5 magic, which is wonderful for these conversation bonuses and pushes her to her magic cap of 27. But on a story front, you’ve probably noticed that Lewyn has become kind of a douche in the years since the first generation.  This is one of the very few moments where that attitude breaks and he really shows you just how much he’s hurting beneath it all. He manages to hold up the Jerk Attitude for most of his other daughter conversations (he can have one with Fee, Lene, or Tinni if he’s their dad) but this is the only one he breaks down on. Learning your wife was essentially tortured to death will do that, and it probably only hurts more because Tinni isn’t trying to guilt him over it. Just innocently sharing how awful her life has been.

It’s a good, solid, quiet little character moment. I really like those when they’re done well, and I think this one was.

End turn.

Way to kill the emotion, jerk.

After murdering that buzzkill, I have to consider the situation.  Ishtar is by far the weaker of the two enemies, but she’s not weak by any means. And unfortunately, anywhere that she can go, Julius can go too, thanks to the Leg Ring in his inventory. Getting them separate is hard.  So what I’m going to do is have Ares, with the Mystletainn in hand, stand on a forest tile in Julius’s range. I will also put Nanna, Seliph, and Dermott near him; with boosts from two Charisma skills, Seliph’s leadership stars, and a forest, he gets something like a 45% boost to his dodging, which even Julius should have some trouble with. And even if he takes one hit, his Resistance is high enough that he should be able to survive.  And from there, I have all of them run past him with Arthur, giving him a similar bonus to his offense and offsetting Julius’s own five leadership stars when he fights Ishtar. With luck, which I seem to be having lately with these big annoying bosses, Arthur will nuke the crap out of his cousin once again.

This might work. Maybe! Or I might die. End turn!

Gotta admit, the man makes an impression! Ares takes the hit, but survives with 21 HP left, and Ishtar runs up behind Julius, but can’t reach anyone to blast. But we can reach her.  Deep breath. Moment of truth.  Everyone, get her! NUCLEAR ROCKET TAG GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’m hoping you don’t notice how many of my problems I have been solving with Forseti.  Like… all of them. Seriously, of the three hardest bosses in the game so far, Ishtar, Arion, and Ishtar again, Arthur has killed all three of them on his first move, doing the exact same thing.  I have dealt with every serious challenge the game has to offer by nuking it with a wind god.  

If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.  

Oh, and hey, why not.

This kid is going places. 

Now then, not much left on the map to deal with.  I have Lene dance Cairpre, so he can grab one of the two remaining villages.  

Captain… Nay, GENERAL Obvious: Just a single glance into those eyes of his and you’re gone. You lose yourself. So many of my friends and people my age have all left for Belhalla to serve him… I’ve heard nothing from any of ‘em since.

Oh-ho.  So, does this mean Julius can literally warp the minds of others? It can’t be limitless, mind you, since otherwise he could just mind-rape our army into joining him, but some ability to sway the weak-minded to his side would fit with how so few Imperial citizens are actually protesting the whole… you know. Hunting of children.

On the enemy phase, there isn’t a whole lot left. We have only three enemies left outside the boss, and they’re all carrying siege tomes.

And hahaha, they’re not super great at picking targets. That was fun.  Now, let’s destroy them!

Not bad at all! One guy remaining, we can get him on the next turn before Seliph takes that castle. Altena grabs the last village, as well.

Extremely Morbid Info Master: Hate t’say it, but sometimes, yeh need t’make sacrifices if yeh wanna keep going…

See, kids, this is why you don’t fuck with Info Master. He is willing to make those sacrifices.  End turn!

Dick.

… They can’t all be great, Cairpre. You’ve still grown far beyond anything I ever expected. Now, nothing left to do but send the team up north, preparing to go where the story will dictate after we take the next castle. Seliph, care to set things up?

Lewyn: I hate to admit it, but I doubt we could’ve gotten here soon enough either way. Now, then. It sounds like they’re just finishing up repairs on the Miletos Strait bridge. Ready to move in on Chalphy?

Seliph: Chalphy…. My father’s homeland….

Lewyn: So it is. I’m betting the citizens there will be even happier to see you than usual.  Let’s not make them wait any longer!

Seliph: Indeed! Everyone, move out! Onward, to Chalphy!  

(“We’re not forgetting anything, right? Eh, I’m sure Julia would remind us if we were.”)  

Well. There isn’t a whole lot of this chapter left, but it can take quite a bit of time to successfully pull off, so I do think I’ll stop here. See y’all next week when we head back home to Chalphy! The very first castle we ever had in the game, and now we get to go take it back from another blast to the past, good old Arvis! I sure did miss him.

But my aim is improving.  

See y’all next week!  

[yllucsanad]

14 and 15 from the x files asks 😊

14. Favorite episode(s)? Why?

ok you didnt ask for nearly this much but ive always wanted to make this list anyways so here ya go!!

1x01 Pilot: I mean,,,, does this even need an explanation? 

1x03 Squeeze: amazing MOTW, “do you think i’m spooky?”, “it seems you were acting very territorial” “of course i was” this is episode thREE PEOPLE, the gray/green alien conversation lmaoooo

1x24 The Erlenmeyer Flask: rip deep throat, iconic “trust no one”, the alien plot seriously begins the thicken here

2x01 Little Green Men: they have a secret meeting how cute, Mulder recording everything for Scully um hello someone is in love

2x08 One Breath: Mulder TEARING apart the hospital and screaming at people for Scully, coma hand holding and crying in his apartment, the return of her necklace, “mulder? i had the strengths of your beliefs” 

2x13 Irresistible: like obviously donnie pfaster makes me uncomf but the way mulder tips up scully’s chin and makes her look at him and then she breaks down and FINALLY lets mulder see her as something besides hard as a rock

2x17 End Game: Scully taking charge and saving Mulder’s life, Mulder trading “Samantha” for Scully

3x04 Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose: this episode is very funny and i appreciate that in this dark x files universe, QUEEQUEG, “how do i die?” “you don’t”, “autoerotic asphyxiation” 

3x13 Syzygy: “sure fine whatever”, jealous scully, cigarette smoking scully, “shut up mulder”

3x17 Pusher: this ep is simply amazing in every way and we all know it

3x22 Quagmire: mulder hating the dog for no reason, RIP queequeg, the conversation on the rock

4x03 Home: this episode is gory and cool, the conversation on the bench, scully making noises to try to get the sheep to move lmao, mulder playing with the baseball and the tv and being sad that elvis died, and im a sucker for kevlar 

4x13 Never Again: Iconic is all i need to say

4x14 Memento Mori: yeah the cancer arc sucks and all but the msr is soo good in this like i can never get over it, the flowers

4x20 Small Potatoes: a great light hearted episode in which scully and “mulder” almost KISS

4x22 Elegy: this episode makes my list because it is so raw and emotional, because mulder gives scully no personal space ever, the bowling scene. scully’s session with the therapist

5x01/02 Redux & Redux II: “keep going fbi woman”, mulder never ceasing to cry about scully, “one sorry son of a bitch speaking”, all the kisses, the hand holding, mulder coming back “from the dead” because he had to see scully, the smile when he tells skinner her cancer is in remission

5x04 Detour: “kill me now”, the wine and cheese (poor scully she really tried), “i dont wanna wrestle”, “maybe if i rains sleeping bags you’ll get lucky”

5x05 The Post-Modern Prometheus: a happy motw ep is always great, b&w, the humor in this one is just golden, the dancing scene of course

5x10 Chinga: mulder without scully lmaooo, “marry me”, the pencils lmao

5x12 Bad Blood: do i even need to explain my love for this one?

5x19 Folie a Deux: a lot of people dont like this ep for some reason but i do, mulders split lip is Hawt, “one in five billion”, “folie a deux. a madness shared by two”

5x20 The End: fuck diana BUT uh, pic of mulder and scully hanging in the office, gibson impressing the fuck outta everyone, gibson exposing mulder about diana and scully, mulder fuckin up spender, the way scully holds mulder after the office fire

6x03 Triangle: the filming is so beautifully done, i love a good irl AU, the KISS i could write ESSAYS about this kiss, “i love you”

6x06 How the Ghosts Stole Christmas: mulder literally steals scully’s keys so she cant leave, they LITERALLY kill each other and then go exchange gifts after they said they wouldnt get each other anything i mean CMON

6x08 The Rain King: everyone assuming mulder and scully are a couple, “i do not gaze at scully”, scully’s speech to sheils

6x14 Monday: i just really really like this episode for some odd reason i cant put my finger on

6x15 Arcadia: again, another episode that i don’t feel the need to explain why i love it lol

6x18 Milagro: scully being fascinated by this guy, mulder being possessive jealous and worrisome, the hug when scully doesnt die, scully grabbing mulders arm, “in my book I’ve written that agent scully falls in love. but that’s obviously impossible. agent scully is already in love.”

6x19 The Unnatural: the ice cream thing, the ripping of the document, i do enjoy the story, fuckin mulder and his baseball obsession, the Scene (you know the one) hips before hands OO baby

6x21 Field Trip: a very cool episode, mulder telling scully that he ends up being right like 98.9% of the time and shes like o fuck, she thinks mulder is dead :’(, they literally trip together, the hand hold at the end

7x06 The Goldberg Variation: lots of good ol flirting, i enjoy the case, the sink lmaoooo, “i like baseball too”

7x14 Theef: “i’ll always keep you guessing”, mulder saving scully by pulling the pins out of the eyes, 

7x16 Chimera: “do you have a significant other?” “not in the widely understand definition of that term”, “mulder when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up, staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting in the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you, and how i’d like to kill you” “i’m sorry who is this”, and also mulder just being really great at his job seriously turns me on

7x17 all things: must i explain?

7x19 Hollywood A.D.: a Classic, scully showing tea leoni how to run i heels, mulder packs it to the left, skinman, bubble baths, the laughing and the hand holding at the end i am DECEASED

7x21 Je Souhaite: i def like the case in this one, scully’s entrance to the office in the beginning (hmm someones suspiciously happy), scully and her invisible body lol, mulders wish was fantastic, the whole last scene as well as “well i’m fairly happy. that’s something” atths ya know

7x22 Requiem: ok like even though its depressing as fuck in end i love this ep, scully visibly turned on by the fact that mulder assaulted someone, “let’s go waste some money”, “we could start sharing rooms”, mulder holding scully when she faints in the woods, mulder watching scully with the baby, the whole bed scene, the HUG cause mulder couldnt live without her if something happened, PERGNANt

and as far as season 8 goes….. every episode besides the ones with mulder are meh and lets pretend 9 didnt happen except i guess The Truth was good considering the circumstances

and i aint gon get into the revival ho boy

15. Favorite MSR moments?

most of them are listed above but other than those:

in firewalker when mulder holds scully’s face

when scully puts herself in contempt of court for mulder and then the HUG

BBQ SAUCE

in die hand when mulder rolls himself over scully when shots are firing

all the comfort and care in end game

they way scully cares for mulder when his father and mother die

haha mulders reaction when scully identifies the plane at the bottom of the water

the lace thing, the china pattern thing

scullys concern for mulder in paper hearts and the hug

mulders memoization of scully’s senior thesis

mulder showing off athletically for scully, scully enjoying it

in pine bluff variant when scully recognizes mulder by his bandaged fingers

in dreamland when scully says she would kiss mulder if he wasnt so ugly and the exchange of the sunflower seeds, also mulder knows her breakfast

jealous scully in alpha

the touchstone conversation

the millennium kiss

everytime mulder calls scully dana (beyond the sea, lazarus, the field where i died, trust no 1)

in tooms the first and only time scully calls mulder fox (i know he doesnt really like it but i still wish they did it again because it carries a big weight)

the decontamination shower

when scully cares for mulder when he is in shock

when scully shoots mulder and tends to his wound later

and we musnt forget fight the future and i want to believe

[secretshinigami]

Red petals

Title: Red petals Author: @theredtint For: @thequietonesarethedarkestones Pairings/Characters: B/L/Naomi, more like B/L & B/Naomi(everyone is cool with everyone) Rating/Warnings: T, mild gore at first, language Prompt: AU where B and Naomi don’t die, and L calls both of them in to help investigate the Kira case. Bonus points for romance between the three of them. (Not a love triangle, polyamory)

Author’s notes: You also said for fanfic requests hanahaki disease and I love that so much, but my art is really bad so instead I tried to incorporate that into this fic. Naomi was really difficult to write into a relationship with these two idiots. I almost scrapped this because she is just so mature and these two just aren’t. With B it’s honestly like she is babysitting him. “Ryuzaki, please don’t do - or sure do that, not my fault if you die.” 

There is a range of dead and live roses on his bed when he opens the door to the attic. The dust is all around and closed case files line the wall, just like they used to. The dust bunnies dance in the ray of light from the window as he walks over to pick up a rose. B used to leave one for every day he was gone from The House when he was younger, when they were younger. When A was still alive. He told him of hanahaki disease once when L asked why roses. Told him how the flowers would crawl their way up his throat, ripping the inside with their thorns and dying white petals red. L told him to shut up and stop being stupid. The flowers were from the garden, Z would file in complains that someone would cut them down.

B is in the doorway, he looks older, scarred and burnt, bandages hanging off and the patches of skin that L can see have roses on them. Large, and beautiful, and red like blood. The hospital room is behind him, a medical gurney and a burnt body on it. His body. L never got enough courage to visit when he was awake. He sat by the bedside for two hours, leaving before B woke up and not looking back. So his brain tries to put an expression L used to know onto a new face. It looks wrong and out of place. He sees the mouth open, sees the petals fall.

He almost fails to catch himself when he wakes up with a jerk, nearly falling out of the armchair that he dozed off in. It takes a moment for the world to come into focus and he finds what woke him up.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up? We’ve talked about this, if you feel tired you should go to bed.” Watari carries in a file to set down on the coffee table in front of him. “Sleeping in that position is damaging for your spine.” 

He waves the old man off. “I didn’t feel tired.” There is a sigh but Watari doesn’t protest. 

“They should be here any minute now.”

B looks more animated than he expected. He grew into his limbs nicely L thinks, catches a small smile that threatens to show and locks it away. Three counts of  first degree murder. Arson. Assault. Breaking and entering. Desecration of a corpse. He recites the lengthily list that got B in prison, fading out the image of a young boy with a missing tooth and long lanky arms he hasn’t grown into yet.

Naomi looks like she is running on three hours of sleep and two liters of coffee, and also vaguely like she’d rather not be here, but it might be jet lag. He gestures at the couch next to the armchair he is in.

“Go on, sit down. I hope the flight wasn’t too unpleasant. There is tea and some pastries on the table you can have whatever you want but those cupcakes, those are mine.” He points at a plate before deciding to just reach over and take it to where he is instead. “I’m assuming you both read the files provided to you on the -“ His words break off when B’s hand is in his hair. He noticed him moving yes, but somehow still hoped the movement would be to sit down on the couch and not come and assault him.

“What is this? What did you do to your hair? Did you fucking straighten it?” B’s hands aren’t aggressive, must like inspecting. Someone still hasn’t learnt the meaning of personal space. Naomi is dragging him off by the shirt collar before L has a chance to kick him off. 

“Ah, I see you decided to ignore a whole page.” L feels tense, but seeing Naomi shove B onto the couch and sit down next to him somehow calms his nerves back down.

“Don’t be dramatic, I ignored one rule.” He is waving the accusation off and L sees the same boy past the burns and missing finger. You can’t match me anymore. He isn’t sure how he feels about that. B doesn’t seem to be bothered by his appearance, or at least he doesn’t show it if he is. But B was always a brilliant actor, switching faces and voices at the drop of a hat. Sometimes L  still wonders if B remembers his real voice, or if he played parts for so long that his own got lost in that mix.

Naomi is pouring tea for herself and only speaks once she takes a sip. Poised, but looks natural and relaxed next to B’s erratic movements.

“We’ve read the memo. I’ve made him read the memo.” B’s lip twitches at the clarification and he looks like he is about to say something before Naomi shushes him. They spent at least four months with each other at this point and it shows. L was rather surprised at how well the arrangement worked. “He says it’s not normal. You are dealing with supernatural powers.”

“This case is going to fuck you over.” B states as he reaches for a brownie. “Absolutely and ut-“

Naomi punches him in the shoulder slightly. It looks like it could still sting. L hopes it stings. B looks pleased, L wishes he didn’t.

“If you get past all of his ranting, the verdict is supernatural powers used by someone who is in this region yes. Likely human he said.” She pauses to take a sip and there is an exasperated sign. “Two hours of ranting, L. He would not shut up.” Well that explains why she looks like she hasn’t slept. B still seems to have a tendency to go on a tangent. He used to like hearing him talk, now all it reminds him of is B’s voice breaking into sobs after A’s funeral. B is fidgeting around, he is either attempting to actually find a good position, or annoy her. “God, sit down.” By the look on B’s face it was the latter.

L doesn’t know how he feels about this pairing yet, they work well together, almost too well for who B is, for how B is. But as long as B is contained and pacified L doesn’t care how he got to that point, Naomi never requested to have him taken back behind bars despite periodic complains, and despite L giving her a clear option to do so. He sees this as beneficial to all parties, maybe eventually B will grow up and out of his obsessions.

They talk and B laughs more often than L finds necessary, but his insight is valuable, his eyes are valuable. It’s an asset that can edge him on in this race of death, or at least that’s what B calls it. “Race of Death.” Naomi drinks at least four cups of coffee during the briefing, inputs her couple of dimes, and even if L brought her in to keep B on the chain he find her ideas and theories fascinating. Something other than heart attacks. B is grinning when she speaks, like some sort of proud boyfriend- mentor, L corrects himself mentally. The image of B in a relationship is unfitting. He is all red petals and thorns, get too close and you will bleed.

The world doesn’t fit quite right when he walks into Naomi in B’s lap and his mouth on her throat. It looks…wrong. Misshapen and fascinates him like some sort of a crime scene. It’s not a crime scene however because Naomi’s hands are under B’s shirt, pulling him in. It’s a few minutes until L coughs and she jumps off, red faced and terrified, full of excuses at first, attempting to convince L of something he doesn’t need to be convinced of. Looks like B indeed did swing that way, he wouldn’t have guessed with his past. And B is grinning at him like a wolf across the room, all smug and L is sharply aware that he knew that he was there all along. You really didn’t mature at all. He tells Naomi what they do in their personal, off the work time is none of his business as long as it doesn’t impact work and leaves. B finds him in the HQ, sitting in front of the screens and staring at the recent death tolls.

B’s hands are still warm when they wrap around his shoulders, but there is a faint pink mark on his cheek when he leans over and L looks to the side, it’s pleasing to see. There are also hickeys over his neck, those are less pleasing to see. This is the first time since they arrived that he is alone with B. It’s unnerving and yet painfully familiar.

“Are you upset?”

“Why would I be?”

“That you are not the only one who has me now?”

“I never wanted to have you. You are like a weed.” It’s only half a lie. He might’ve found B annoying back then, but as years grew by that hole that was left with his departure continued to expand. Maybe B wasn’t a weed after all.

“That’s rather hurtful of you.” His hands are still over L’s chest and they are warm and calming. “Did you miss me?”

“No.” 

There is a chuckle next to his ear and L can feel B burying his face into his hair, a soft humming follows, familiar lullaby, L wants it to stop, B has no right to bring it up now. L wonders what this is leading to when B was just leaving marks over Naomi mere minutes before. “Shouldn’t you go back to your girlfriend? As I understand it women get upset if you leave them like this.”

“Did you miss me?” The thorns coil into the wound, pressing against the sensitive flesh, threatening to drag the truth out with blood if they have to.

“Are you dating or is this just a thing to pass time?”

“Dating. Did you miss me?” B is insistent, he didn’t change. The same teen who would bring roses to him day after day as a reminder that he still loved him, as if him not bringing a rose would hurt L in some way. 

“Is she upset?” L tilts his head back and B shifts, his face coming into view above L. The mark has faded, the hickeys haven’t. B’s face looks nice in the glow of the monitors despite the scars. He reaches out, compelled to touch the ridged flesh, L knows B won’t protest. 

“Did you miss me?”

“Yes.” He isn’t sure if he is pulling B down or if B is moving down himself, he knows that he sees a pair on black jeans in the doorway out of the corner of his eyes before B’s hair is covering his vision. His lips are still soft, surprisingly so, healed from the fire, they taste vaguely like coffee and he realizes that it must be Naomi’s, there is no sweetness to it. That’s a thing that he focuses on in this kiss. It’s gentle, like a lover’s long gone. 

“Ahem.” It takes a moment after that cough to push B away after that cough. He feels…hm, whats the word for this? Embarrassed? L thinks that he feels embarrassment. He isn’t sure, it’s a new feeling. L knows he doesn’t particularly enjoy it. His ears feel a bit hot.

“Oh, you did decide to join me.” B is still looking down at L with a grin before standing straight and turning around, spinning L’s chair with him to face Naomi.

“You are two days late. You owe me a hundred.” L expected anything but that smile, he expected tears, or anger, or whatever else women do when they catch their supposed partner making out with some other dude. He didn’t expect an amused smile. 

“It’s just two days.” B sounds vaguely upset. 

“Tsk tsk, a bet is a bet, Dear.” 

L has never been more confused in his life.

Naomi explains it over tea, their relationship is more open that normal ones are. And before coming over B proposed a bet that he could get a kiss out of L, and, like the child he is, got offended when Naomi said that he couldn’t, proposing another bet: That he could get a kiss in less than a week. He didn’t and now a hundred dollars are owed. L is still confused by the end of it, but B ends up all over his lap, it feels right and nostalgic, and Naomi doesn’t mind so L doesn’t see any point in pushing him off. 

Light runs when they try to arrest him, he remind L of younger B, only B now is grinning next to his chair  as Naomi apprehends Kira. He feels like this is too easy, this is not fair, this feels like it was handed to him on a silver platter by B. He doesn’t speak to Light before he is escorted out, the case is closed, not in a way he would’ve wished it to be, but it is closed and there is nothing more that he wants to say to Light. Watari will get all the necessary information. He has more interesting matters to attend to. B said Naomi likes roses, he’ll make sure to place an order for those.

[miss-m-calling]

Shipoween 2020 letter

Canons requested: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Starred Up, Witchblade (TV)

Dear writer,

Hello and thank you for writing for me. I’m very excited to read whatever you come up with.

Without further ado…

Lenny Bruce/Miriam “Midge” Maisel/Susie Myerson

Lenny Bruce & Miriam “Midge” Maisel & Susie Myerson

Lenny Bruce/Miriam “Midge” Maisel & Miriam “Midge” Maisel/Susie Myerson

I’m here for Midge’s adventures in the intoxicating, foul-mouthed, and often-frustrating world of comedy, so her dynamic with Susie and Lenny is where it’s at. I just love the interactions between these three, and between every pair combination among them: Midge and Susie bantering and swearing and tits-upping even when they irritate each other, Midge and Lenny bringing the pathos as well as the humor, and Lenny and Susie both being hardened old pros with still a little glimmer of starry eyes. I am good with either V-shaped triad/poly or hey, Susie (whom I absolutely read as gay) might find a way to be good with a full-on triangle… If you want to keep it platonic, True Companions all the way, always there for each other, even when they want to strangle each other. And as much as I like the comedy inherent in the characters, I also love that they’re all three, each in their own way, messed up people and dysfunctional to various degrees. So yeah, I just want Midge to hand the kids over to her parents, ditch Joel once and for all, marry (interpret that as literally or as loosely as you want) both Susie and Lenny, and for the three of them to ride off into the sunset to make comedy history. Canon-specific DNWs: anything above M rating, pairing any two as a / couple with the third as a & hanger-on, and while Lenny can still be his RL messed-up, drugged-up self – albeit the gentler version the show gives us – it would be good if he didn’t kick the bucket a handful of years down the line.

Most of these prompts are from before S3 dropped – feel free to work with canon or diverge however you see fit, I am all caught up now:

-Does Susie manage them both? Does Midge open for Lenny on tour? Does he open for her??? Or they become equal stars on the comedy circuit?

-Maybe Lenny joins Shy Baldwin’s tour, or they run into him while touring Europe or the US, or after Shy fires Midge, Midge and Susie cobble together a Midge-only tour of America and keep crossing Lenny’s own touring path, and they all tool around, and yes I would love as much period detail and geography porn as you can throw at me. And while Lenny and Midge have seen the world, Susie hasn’t – her reaction to different foods, languages, customs, landscapes would be spectacular to witness. Especially if “different” is someplace as close to New York as Jersey or Connecticut, or someplace as far away and different as, say, Japan.

-If they do go to Europe, somehow or other they also tour the Soviet Bloc. Cue culture clashes, getting followed (or thinking they’re being followed) by the secret police, getting hammered on vodka and herring and pickles, and then when they get back to the States, the Feds grill them. It’s all dead serious, and Midge and Lenny refuse to take it as seriously as they should, while Susie is trying but the whole thing is really pissing her off…

-Lenny’s burned out, and Midge is just getting started. This dissonance may or may not find some sort of resolution. One thing’s for sure: Susie has limited patience for both Lenny’s depression and Midge’s need to make everything pretty.

-Instead of going to Joel for a no-way-is-that-closure fling after the Steve Allen Show taping, Midge goes to have a drink or seven with the two people who have, in their own ways, always been there for her and never let her down.

-Midge goes on TV again, this time as the star: longer set, prime time slot, dressing room, the works. She’s dying of nerves. Lenny and Susie coach her through it.

-More radio work to make ends meet in between gigs: hilaribad period ads, hilaribad radio drama, running all over town to be on time, getting paid in all kinds of dubious merch…

-Midge and Susie head out west to make it big and stay with Lenny once they’re in Los Angeles, and it’s marvelous (ha ha) and disastrous in equal measure.

-More of Susie being the hypercompetent manager we saw especially in S3! (And please don’t dwell on her gambling problem, I was not a fan.)

-They all three get drunk, maybe with a hint of sadness if it’s the holidays (you can ignore my DNW about holidays, but please let that be just the background, not the lynchpin of the story) or someone’s birthday, and there’s a bar fight, running from the cops, eating greasy food at ass o’clock, and possibly kissing, not necessarily in that order.

-One or two or all three of them get arrested/have court appearances all over America and have to bail each other out, or find someone to bail them all out, or secure legal counsel – you get the drift. Or all three of them are trying to explain to a single lawyer what happened, talking over each other, the two pros not being able to resist landing zingers and Susie not being far behind, and the lawyer just getting more and more confused.

-They get in trouble some other way – offended patrons, surly management, shitty hotels, tour bus breaks down in the middle of Wyoming – and have to have each other’s backs because no one else will.

-Three-person road trip or tour, and only Susie knows how to drive. So Midge decides to learn, right then and there. And Lenny… Lenny may or may not be too lazy/hungover/lying about not knowing how. There’s supposed to be a rotation so everyone gets to stretch out on the back seat for equal lengths of time, but you know the system doesn’t work too well in practice. Also, they play games in the car to while away the time, and they do it their own way of course: I spy, cows on my side, yellow car, never have I ever, 20 questions, or riffing on whatever’s playing on the radio…

-They sit down to watch the moon landing (you can move it up a bit so it’s not happening a whole decade after S2) – by which I mean, Midge is all gung-ho about the moon landing, and Lenny and Susie are like whatever – and things don’t quite go to plan, but a good time is eventually had by all.

-It’s Yom Kippur again, and Midge wants to do the whole production: synagogue, breaking fast, the lot. Lenny and Susie would rather eat glass. Midge gets her way, of course. Does she decide to bring Susie and Lenny home to meet – or meet properly – her parents??? I bet Abe and Rose’s reactions would be something to see. (This too is an exception to my DNW about holiday settings – I just want stuff to get as crazy as it did the two times we saw Yom Kippur celebrated on the show, and for everything to still somehow turn out relatively OK.)

-Midge and Lenny have cheered each other up when the going got extra rough. I want for Susie to be especially down in the dumps – maybe her boozehound of a mother died and Susie took it worse than she does in canon, maybe some asshole told her she’s a shit manager and got her right in her insecurities – and Midge to rope Lenny into trying to cheer her up. And for Susie to fight them every step of the way but still be glad they care enough to try.

-Inspired by Susie’s brother looking just like her, by which I mean she and he and their sister look nothing alike, and by Lenny’s “she’s my mother” quip about Midge at the TV studio and then his “let me introduce my wife or maybe my sister” in Miami – Midge, Susie, and Lenny pretend to all be blood relatives, or mafiosi, or spies, or something else they’re not, while out in public, say in a restaurant. Just to be assholes and see how long they can keep it going before they break character or people figure them out, or call the cops, or something. There’s totally a bet on who corpses and breaks character first. Or, nice hotels ca. 1960 weren’t very big on letting unmarried couples, let alone threesomes stay in rooms together – pretending to be family might make that easier; forgetting what they’re meant to be to each other, or mixing up their backstories might make it harder. Or they’re just trying to save money by only getting one room, there’s only one free room in the hotel, or any other screwball reason you can invent.

-Lenny and Midge do a (comeback) tour of the Borscht Belt, and all the Steiner Mountain Resort guests (especially the gossipy old hens from the beauty salon) and staff go to see them – and heckle.

-Stuff happens and they end up performing at some hole in the wall place where no one knows who they are (or no one believes it’s really those people they’ve seen on TV) – tough crowd, but a good workout for the two comics, and if Susie gets to threaten to rip off someone’s head, all the better.

-Lenny and Midge honing their routines – and maybe developing a double act – and Susie being all “oh my fucking god, what the fuck!!! … They’re actually good. I’m so proud.”

-Sharing a bed with two other people is an ongoing project: who sleeps (or refuses to sleep) in the middle? Who gets up during the night and why? Who starfishes across most of the bed? Who snores, and how does this get handled? If alcohol or pot have happened, how does that affect the sleeping arrangements? Also, Susie and Lenny witness and react to Midge’s beauty routine, ‘nuff said. Or, for various reasons one person after another ends up decamping to another room/bed/couch, but it doesn’t help them get much sleep or even stay there very long (this is inspired by my love of Shirley Jackson and her short story/humorous essay “The Night We All Had Grippe”). If you prefer to keep it platonic, most of this would work if they’re just sharing a double bedroom on tour (I leave the reason for why Lenny is bunking with the women up to you).

Starred Up (2013 movie)

Oliver Baumer/Eric Love

Yes I do ship it, I do, I do!

Ahem. Don’t get me wrong, I liked what the movie did with the father-son relationship and its influence on both men’s character development – but I really wish they hadn’t got Oliver out of the action before the story’s climax (not like that!). The final denouement with Love father and Love son was great, as was the hint at the end that Eric learned something in anger-management group and has a support network that will help him a lot. But. I would have wanted to see more of the intriguing dynamic between Eric the intelligent, semi-feral, yet not-incorrigible, young thug and Oliver the educated, dedicated, kind yet aware of his own potential for violence (what was he on about with “I need to be here”?), slightly older counselor. They had me at Oliver’s “I want him” and Eric later telling his father that Oliver’s a better man than Love Sr. Also the not-flirting and the push-pull in the scene when Oliver picks up Eric from his cell - yowza!

For this canon, my dubcon DNW does not apply.

Prompts:

-I would love to see Oliver return to holding his group in prison, so the two of them can interact more, either in the movie’s immediate aftermath or years down the line, as it’s implied that Eric will be serving a long sentence. Give me more scenes from anger management or the ribald, honest, free-flowing conversations in group, either with the other men present (I liked Hassan and Tyrone especially, among the group members) or a one-on-one session.

-An oblique or open-but-undramatic admission/declaration that they both know there’s something there, even if they don’t know what to do with it. Or, one or both of them knows exactly what to do with it, and the push-pull that would result from that.

-Dirty talk: used for arousal, as a defense mechanism, as a form of flirtation. Eric using slurs to assert dominance, and Oliver not letting him hide behind profanity, when he can use colorful language to express emotion and/or sexual interest. There could definitely be some verbal taunting/flirting about who wants/is eager to do what or is good at doing something. There may be some sniping comments about logistics and (lack of) condoms and barebacking and what men get up to in prison. There probably wouldn’t be deep discussions about sexual identity.

-An emergency in the prison requires a lock-down, so Oliver gets temporarily stuck in Eric’s cell or another room with only Eric for company. Things get porny and/or emotional.

-Eric is eventually released (you can handwave this so it happens soon after the movie or have it happen years later) and crashes with Oliver while he adjusts to the outside world. You guessed it: things get porny and/or emotional.

-How do they get to the point where both can cross that line from friends/whatever the hell they are and become, to lovers? (There’s Eric’s personal history and general discomfort with vulnerability, plus all the ways prison sex can be or make things complicated, and if it helps, I headcanon Oliver as either gay or bi and at least somewhat closeted, at work especially.) Who initiates and “directs traffic”? How does their always-contentious dynamic shift during and after sex? Is the sex an isolated (series of) occasion(s), or a progression/escalation over multiple encounters (how would I love especially an escalating series of encounters, let me count the ways)? Eric might seem like the logical initiator and/or dominant partner as well as using the possibility of sex to manipulate and exert control, but then Oliver might (or might not!) surprise him and is definitely the one more in touch with himself as well as aware of his custodial duty toward the men in the group.

-At some point in their intimate relationship (probably not right at the start, and probably not in prison, though if you can make it happen in prison, more power to you!), Oliver decides he’s going to take his sweet time and make Eric fall absolutely apart with pleasure, while using dirty talk to both arouse and empower Eric to own his desires – by that point, Eric is in a place where he can let that happen and enjoy it, even if he still talks tough.

-Role reversal: Oliver as the con (jittery, shut off, sticking out like a sore thumb in prison with all his fancy learning, yet no pushover) and Eric as the newbie counselor (kid from the wrong side of the tracks made good? Youthful hoodlum turned around his life, now trying to help others via tough love and lots of swearing and maybe a bit of manipulation when called for?)

Witchblade (TV) Sara Pezzini/Danny Woo

I used to love this show back in the day, and loved it again in all its hokey gloriousness when I rewatched it recently. Sara figuring things out and being a principled badass, but maybe out of her depth with the Witchblade, and her dynamic with Danny, whether he’s a ghost or alive, it’s all catnip to me. Sara is not extremely quippy, she has a job to do dammit! and don’t look at her vulnerable side, just don’t look at it!, and I love that about her (she’s much harsher in S1, after Danny’s death, than in S2); ditto that Danny is somewhat softer than she is, but still can hold his own thanksverymuch (well, when the plot doesn’t require him to get nabbed by bad guys) and has a bit of a deadpan snarker side too. I’d love something that plays around with their canon dynamic from either season, or uses canon as just a starting point. Some of my prompts lean dark or horror-y, so don’t be shy about going there; I’d also enjoy a story in which the Witchblade itself ends up not being very significant (say, they start to investigate a possibly mystical case and then nope, plain murder). Canon-specific DNW: Irons and any version of Nottingham appearing (you can mention them if you need to).

Prompts:

-The Witchblade is more parasitic than symbiotic, and instead of Sara learning to control it, its feeding on Sara affects her more and more over time. Or, the visions and dreams ramp up into full-blown paranoia and/or disassociation. The Witchblade’s POV, maybe (it is sentient)? Asking for help is the hardest thing for someone like Sara, but what are (more than) friends for? I’d also enjoy a dubcon scenario (exception to blanket DNW) where Sara really shouldn’t be having sex when her head is all messed up by the Witchblade’s influence, but… well… they do. The Witchblade canonically enjoys violence and bloodshed perpetrated by its wearers, so it stands to reason that it might lower other inhibitions too.

-Witchblade v. mythological monsters. In S1, even with everything else that’s going on, Sara absolutely scoffs at the possibility of vampires. So of course I want: Witchblade v. vampires! The scarier and more feral, the better. Or, it’s implied that the Witchblade was forged from a meteorite, so it’s basically an eldritch artefact from outer space. Yes, please lean all the way into the Lovecraftian tropes! (The moon is turning red, the Old Ones are back, it’s the end of the world as we know it, but Sara’s got her partner by her side.) Or something from Chinese mythology, so Danny can kick extra ass. Or, for a silly take on Chinese culture: Sara and Danny in the world of Big Trouble in Little China, another old fave of mine, the entire plot of which revolves around… a woman with green eyes and an unwanted connection to the supernatural.

-The Witchblade has a reputation for abandoning its wearers just when they need it the most. True to form, it slips off of Sara’s fist, leaving her and Danny to save themselves with good old-fashioned guns, fisticuffs, martial arts, and of course having each other’s back.

-More of the psychedelic-ness in many of Sara’s fight scenes, where now she’s a woman in a leather jacket with a gauntlet on her arm, now she’s a knight in armor! Now her opponent is human, now he’s a wolf-shaped spirit of evil and hatred! Playing around with the characters’ senses and perceptions – yes!

-Instead of seeing only Danny and needing him to play intermediary for Sara to talk to other ghosts, the Witchblade makes Sara see ghosts all over the place, and it’s getting to her. Ghost!Danny may or may not help with that. Or, ghost!Danny is basically always around, whether Sara can see him or not. He manifests when Sara is masturbating, and you can’t really feel guilty if the ghost of your dead partner whom you’ve always had a thing for helps you out, and anyway you’re probably going crazy and none of this is real, so it doesn’t count anyway… right?

-Case fic/stakeouts and banter. Flirting to pass the long and stressful days at work. Quick and guilty sex because Danny’s married. Slow and intense sex if handwave he’s not married but “oh noes we’re partners, we shouldn’t be doing this, but somehow we keep doing it anyway.” Hooking up in the car. I’ve always headcanoned that they had a thing pre-canon which ended for Reasons, but they both kinda wish it hadn’t, hence the hand kissing, and the “I can’t even touch you,” and the coffee bringing/stealing, etc. So feel free to play around with that.

-Undercover as married, undercover as a gangster and his moll (LOL at Sara as a moll, or have Sara as the gangster and Danny as her lieutenant/enforcer/arm candy), undercover as “they think we’re fucking, better fake it real good for the people listening in, oops shit got real fast, careful don’t say each other’s real name or you’ll blow your cover.”

-More timey-wimey shenanigans with the Witchblade. Maybe it allows Sara to manipulate time more than once. Maybe she starts doing it way too often, throwing the continuum out of whack (something non-linear would be very interesting). Maybe she and/or Danny remember some or all of what happened in S1. Something about all the multiverse versions of them, possibly splitting off from a dramatic moment. Time loops and feelings are a combustible mix.

-Apart from the super obvious shippiness, what I like about S1 especially is how Sara rolls with the weirdness the Witchblade has brought into her life, instead of reaching for rational explanations. More of that (I can’t think of a better way to put it), and double extra brownie points if alive!Danny figures out at least some of what’s going on with Sara’s bracelet and somehow gets in on the action. Maybe a Danny saves the day divergence? Or how about a loophole that allows a man close to the Witchblade’s wearer to wield it temporarily, but There Is a Price to Pay.

Likes:

I love pre-canon, canon, post-canon, canon-divergent, and missing-scene stories. I love character-driven and plot-driven stories equally, and I love fics which mix humor and angst/serious business when appropriate for the canon.

I love stories about characters at work and play, group dynamics, family dynamics (including constructed families), professional partnerships, friendships, alliances, rivalries, intimate couples (new lovers/first times as well as long-term/established couples), UST-ridden couples who are not just UST-ridden but connected in other ways too, etc.

I love irony, snark, humor as well as angst arising from the characters rather than the plot crowbaring it in, linear, non-linear, and 5+1 stories, hopeful endings, happy endings, bittersweet endings, worldbuilding, competence, spiky characters who keep their jagged edges and spikiness in adversity as well as when their lives are going well, square-peg-in-round-hole characters, characters who are their own worst enemies as well as those who can get over themselves when the occasion calls for it, characters with conflicting values which may or may not be reconciled/resolved, characters who treat each other with respect and as equals even if they hate/annoy/can’t stand/love to dislike each other.

I especially love workplace stories (this can mean anything from an actual workplace/casefic/procedural setting to anything that revolves around the canon world in which the characters live) in which the characters are competent and dedicated to the job, and while they may not be exactly friends and they may well irritate one another, they still manage to rub along to get the job done and maybe even grow to care about one another (much to their surprise and sometimes reluctance/discomfort). Or, if they can’t get along, show me why not and what’s preventing them from finding common ground.

In terms of ship dynamics, I love (where it fits the characters) banter, competitiveness or antagonism shading into attraction (this tension need not be resolved), oh-god-why-did-it-have-to-be-you-what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this, bickering yet loving couples, characters who are serious about their romantic interests, characters who think they are much better at flirtation than they actually are, characters forced to work together only to prove much more compatible than they initially assumed, fics which mix an exploration of characters’ professional and everyday lives with shipping. A dynamic I cannot resist is shipping a couple who are incompatible in some important way (they are ideological enemies, cop and criminal, spies from opposite sides, one betrayed the other or they betrayed each other), and while they love and want each other they’re also not willing to change sides or surrender/compromise their identity for the other’s benefit, and how they might (or not) make their relationship work anyway.

I don’t have any very specific likes for smut, other than smut fitting the characters – show me how their canon dynamics spill over into the bedroom (or other place of congress). I also like sexual scenarios that subvert expectations a little and surprise the characters themselves (e.g., the person who’s usually quiet or more passive taking charge, the more aggressive person goes with it possibly snarking or commenting on it as long as they can). And I like sexual scenarios that contain an element of competition, antagonism, oh-god-this-is-a-bad-idea-but-we’re-going-for-it-hammer-and-tongs, not wanting to admit feelings or show vulnerability except oops it happens anyway, whether the characters acknowledge it or not, or just people getting way more into it or being more affected by it than they thought they would. When it fits the characters and their canon dynamic, you also can’t go wrong with we-both-wanted-this-for-forever-and-now-we-both-know-it-so-here-we-go-diving-in-headfirst. For het and/or slash, oral, vaginal, anal incl. pegging, manual (ifyouknowwhatImean) – it’s all good. You can go as veiled or as explicit as you like, but please avoid excessive medical jargon – I don’t find a lot of mention of “penis” or “clit” sexy.

DNWs:

MPREG, A/B/O, knotting, D/s, kinks, incest, underage, genderswap/genderbent characters, xeno, non-/dub-con, torture and abuse (this and non-/dub-con can be mentioned if the story needs it, but please don’t dwell on it in loving detail or subject any of my requested characters to it), dwelling on bodily fluids (mentions of gore/blood and come are fine), toilet humor, character bashing, issuefic, gender/sexuality/race/ethnicity/religion/ability/identity headcanons, unrequested ships, soulmates and soul marks, major character death (meaning my requested characters being or staying dead by story’s end), serious illness or injury, pregnancy and children, holiday or wedding setting/theme, secondary characters shipping the main pair like it’s their job, reference to RL current events, 1st/2nd person POV, unrequested crossovers or fusions, AUs which have nothing to do with canon

[maximumsuckage]

Satan goes to the store

Word count: 1815 

 There are a lot of odd things that go on in the parking lot of the average Walmart.  Over there, in the back corner, you can see a couple of teenagers.  Look at them, all greasy, their faces covered in the red blemishes of puberty.  One of them is counting cash- he thinks he’s being surreptitious, but in reality, the way he glances around, his floppy hair flopping with every motion of his head like a black and red streaked flag, is a beacon to any cop that might be sitting around that something shady is about to go down.  Oh, look!  There’s the cop now!  He’s sitting a few parking spots away, noshing on a pastry he’d just bought, eyeballing the woman walking by with a look of disdain.  And no wonder- she’s walking down the parking lot, enormous hips swaying in the tight yoga pants she has pulled up to just under her sagging bosom.  She wears no bra- her nipples are currently fighting a winning battle to bust through the transparent fabric of the wife-beater she wears with the pride of a queen. 

Although, the cop can’t really judge her, considering that he’s missed the drug deal that just transpired in front of him.  Perhaps he’ll notice when one of the boys pulls a badly wrapped joint out of the paper bag?  No, he doesn’t notice. 

His attention, however, is turned to the sleek black car that speeds down the row of the lot.  It’s a beautiful car, something old and yet well cared for, with a trunk large enough to fit a dead body in.  There is no exhaust, no purr of engine.  It speeds, and yet it is silent.  Odd, I’m sure, but, like I said, a lot of shit goes down in a Walmart parking lot. 

The cop considers flagging the car down, but there’s a dark feeling in the pit of his stomach, an ancestral fear that borders on genetic, it’s so old.  Who is he to flag down such a glorious car?  Who is he to stop the king of the road, the lord of the highway, the sultan of the interstate?

The black car slows, and pulls into a handicap spot.

What a scumbag, honestly.  There is no handicap tag hanging in the windshield.  I hope the cop works up the courage to go and ticket that asshole with the silent cool old car. 

The door of the car opens, and out steps a man.

Well- I think he’s a man.  He’s certainly man shaped- what a man, oh, what a man.  His shoulders are rounded with deltoids of the gods; his white button-down clings to his pectorals.  His waist is as slim as a woman’s, no doubt with more abs than Captain America himself, and his face- his face looks as though it was carved by God himself, with perfect cheekbones and a strong chin and lips that could only be described as soft, yet firm, kissable, and yet untouchable. 

His eyes though- how can I describe those eyes?  They are like…

No.  I must refrain. 

The scumbag parked in the handicap, remember.  He is, somewhere beneath those muscles that any sane girl would love to run her hands slowly over as they glisten with sweat, the hole of an ass.

He reaches into the pockets of his jeans, which cling to his perfectly formed gluteus, and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.  Let’s zoom in a bit to see what it says-

No, too close.  Don’t let me get distracted by the perfume of sweetly burning incense that hangs around him like a fog of heavenly breath. 

Too far, now I can’t see the paper.

There we go.  Now let’s read together.

Eggs.  Bread.  Headphones.  Pencil sharpener.  Pens.  Party lights.  Chips.  Salsa.  Guac.  Greeting cards.  Knife sharpener.  Stain remover. Nail clippers.  Eyeliner.  Toothbrush/toothpaste.  Hair gel.

Wow, that’s a solid list.  Let’s watch him try to find all the items.  After all, there’s nothing more fun than watching a sexy beast of a man try to traverse through your average Walmart.

The greeter is an elderly woman who looks like she would be better off using the parking lot he stole.  “Hi, how’s it going?  Can we help you find anything?” 

He ignores her and attempts to walk past.  He’s not a very nice person, as we’ve already established.  Perhaps this would change if he were to meet a nice girl, in her early twenties, who works hard in college and enjoys writing on the side.  But, alas, that is not to be. 

The greeter follows him.  Her hair is like a wild white mane; her face is too wrinkled to even discern where her eyes once were.  “Sir, it’s a beautiful day out!  Let one of our friendly staff members help you find-”

“I know where everything is!”  He whips around, and there’s fire in his eyes.  Literal fire in his eyes… hmmm, that’s odd, wouldn’t you say?  Now that I think of it, are there horns curling from between his luscious locks of thick black hair?  Weird… but weird stuff happens at Walmart, so who are we to judge?

“Okay then.”  The old woman raises her hands innocently, but there’s a sassiness to the flick of her wrists that belies her enormous age.  “Just trying to help.  You didn’t need to go all crazy on me, but who am I to try to do my job?”

“Who are any of us to do our damn jobs?” He mutters to himself, stalking towards the toiletries section. 

What an odd thing to say?  Would it seem that the hunky piece of man candy is not satisfied in his current career path?  Let’s zoom in closer and see what else we can glean from his errand. 

He’s standing in front of the tooth paste selection now.  Apparently he can’t decide which one to choose.  That’s an understandable conundrum- there’s so many!  You can have whitening toothpaste, non-whitening tooth paste, toothpaste for sensitive teeth, generic toothpaste, toothpaste with baking powder, sensitive and whitening toothpaste…

He settles for regular Crest toothpaste.  A solid choice sir- I applaud you!  And then he moves to the toothbrushes.  This time, he doesn’t spend that much time, and simply grabs a package of four cheap ones.  That’s also a good choice.  I, personally, don’t see much difference between toothbrushes, but I know some people care a great amount. 

Now he checks his list and sighs, heading across the store to the food aisle.  He takes a little detour though, jogging his path to cut through the makeup aisle, thereby avoiding the greeter.  Hey, remember you need to buy eyeliner, you beautiful douchebag! 

Nope.  He forgot.  He’ll have to make another detour. 

He pauses to pick up a basket on his way to the bread, hanging it off his lean forearm so he can carry more items at once.  Clever boy! 

There’s a woman already at the bread.  Hey, it’s the woman from earlier- remember her?  Her nipples are like a second pair of eyeballs pressed against the fabric of her shirt.  She studies the bread, picking up every loaf and reading the labels carefully, like getting the wrong loaf might make her blow up. 

Our anti-hero walks up to the bread, his triangle-tipped tail flicking in irritation at being there.  Did you see the tail before?  I didn’t, but I was distracted by his pecs.  I know, I know.  It’s a weakness.  But I’m a reliable narrator.  I swear. 

It’s a nice tail.  It’s all feathered, with a sleek black that match his wings-

SHIT!  I forgot to tell you this guy has wings too! 

I’m just failing you here.  I’m sorry.  I’ll do better from here on out.  Really, it’s just such an odd thing to see, even in such a place as Walmart. 

He reaches around the woman for a loaf of whole wheat bread, and she turns so suddenly that her bosoms are set a-swinging.  One enormous breast hits the end of its swing, bounces back, and smacks our hero right in his perfectly sculpted arm. 

He freezes, and is that- it is!  His cheeks, pale and white as a corpse in a coffin, pink a little, like the setting sun tinting the sky with rose, when he feels the nipple touch the bare flesh exposed by his folded sleeve. 

“Excuse you?”  The woman puts her hands on her hips, drawing herself up to her full height, which, to be frank, isn’t that impressive.  “I was over here, trying to shop, and you just shove on through?”

He takes a half step back, taken by surprise, no doubt, by the suddenly irate woman. 

“The nerve of people!  You think that just because you’re a man, you can have whatever you want?  Well fuck you!"

Now he’s had a moment to regroup.  The blush vanishes and his feathers fluff up dramatically.  “Do you dare berate me, woman?  Be gone, foul slut!  Take your admonishments elsewhere!”

“Are you yelling at me now?”  She crosses her arms now, sticking her hip out like she’d seen somebody trendy do on the TV.  “How dare you.  How dare you?  You think you can just come into my store and yell at me when I have just as much a right to shop here as you?  Fuck you!  Fuck you and fuck your life!”

“I want to buy a loaf of bread!”  His eyes flared, and the woman suddenly gasped, bug eyed, clutching at her throat.  “I came here to buy a loaf of bread, and-”

“Hey, uh, Satan?”

What’s this?  Another person has entered the scene.  He’s not a large man, and he looks a bit awkward interrupting the encounter that has been going down.  Our delicious scumbag pauses, hand raised in the air, feathers fluffed in fight mode, and looks down at the newcomer, who happens to be wearing Walmart blue. 

“What do you want?”  His voice is a low growl, a sneer in vocal form.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to leave, man.  You can’t choke out any of our customers again.”

“She yelled at me!”

“I know she yelled at you, bud, but sometimes you just gotta take the hit and keep moving.”  The employee points.  “You can come back tomorrow.”

Satan glares at him, and then glares at the woman, who is floating about four feet above the ground and gasping as her cheeks turn blue. 

“Drop her, Satan.”

Still, he hesitates, as the woman clutches at her neck. 

“Satan.”

Finally, he drops her.  She falls to the floor, gasping, and then gets up.  “You think you can just choke me?  You pervert, I’ll have you know-”

But what she’ll have Satan know, he’ll never know, because he’s gone,leaving only the lingering stench of brimstone behind.  Oh, unhappy day.  I shall never see such beautiful musculature again.