#fuckandfable

[velvetporcelain]

Fable.

[velvetporcelain]

fuck. no need to problem solve, I am just venting-

Jesus fuck is my catch phrase. it used to be just the word "motherfucker," but that died with the old me-- so I created Jesus fuck. which I don't know is any better-- but its just what warns everyone so clearly, so intently, immediatly.

I am struggling a little today, but not really, maybe I am now with my anger but here I am releasing it into the darkness, my darkness. this is why it says don't read, this is the fucking cringe, unfiltered mind. --- however I am getting good at becoming smart about my word choices when I choose to release these truths into reality. an etiquette of some kind. the stupid fuck at the gym confirms my hypothesis about men. when you are pretty, they do not care about your brain, they only want sex. how disappointing, but not really because I was fucking right. disgusted. I want to slap him across the face, so-- im keeping his earrings cuz I want him to know that they are in my ears, way closer to my brain that he will ever get, and I will no longer engage, or feel pity for this man, I won't even acknowledge him. I know this will hurt, but good, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU DICK FUCK. god damned him, the minute he dropped a holy angel on the floor when she wouldn't fuck him. tisk tisk. now I am going to be the biggest cunt. so sick of being the nice bitch. it just gets me impatient and out of control and I do not like when I feel like that-- or do it? is this fem rage? how do I use it a weapon? my only fucking weapon-- how do I use it to protect myself and punish others?

I lost count of how many days it's been since a cigarette touched my lips and all the sudden I'm seducing myself. ---- kinda turned on from the thought of me smoking one. I want one and the sadistic part of me is saying, there are other things killing you in this world that you can't control so you might as well just do what you love. and it makes sense to me, but its also weak. yes the world is full of uncontrollable horrors, but that doesn't mean I have to turn into one consciously-- kill me silently if you have to---- I would be devastated if I died at my own hands.

I am tired of little miss sunshine. sunshine- has my nickname my whole life--- my brother's kids call me honey----- what does that say about me? it says that my fem rage is THE SOURCE of my creativity- I fucking love being angry. I am very two fold. not back stabbing, because I will tell you to your face-- and if I can't tell it to your face I will say that--- i.e. ----" would you call me selfish?" ----- me: "no, not to your face" ------ it is my muse, so I am my own bitch, no one else's. i didn't understand half of the shit he was saying to me at the time was an insult. yes the dreaded HIM--- the only who has ever truly shattered me,--- most of all my psyche. but do you know what happened when he shattered me? I WAS ALMOST SET FREE. he showed me the way out of his cage-- I was a bird and I could fly all along------, and I freed myself, and now I am afraid that I am the cage, looking for a bird.

-x