#fuck. I'm one casual conversation away from a panic attack

[boyapologist]

oh my good being here for 6 hours feels absolutely excruciating. I'd rather just fly instead

[anotherjheastan]

Another Complicated Love Story

A Jey Uso x Rhea Ripley FanFic

Chapter 3 | Masterlist

CW Panic attack

Chapter 4: Please, Please, Please

Please, please, please don't prove I'm right

And please, please, please

Don't bring me to tears when I just did my makeup so nice

Heartbreak is one thing, my ego's another

I beg you, don't embarrass me, motherfucker, oh

- Please Please Please by Sabrina Carpenter

December 23, 2024 - Monday Night Raw

Rhea and Jey still weren’t official, but she pulled up to Raw layered in her open black coat, showing off her pink Yeet hoodie. She didn’t have a planned match, but anything could happen. Liv had retained the Women’s World Championship at Saturday Night’s Main Event. And now that Rhea was officially the new number one contender, nothing would stop her from getting the title.

Things with Jey had been going well. She hadn’t said the L-word. But in some moments when they would just look into each other’s eyes, she swore that was their way of saying it without saying it. Rhea’s best friend, Jessica, was in town for Christmas so she and Jey would be spending it apart. She had a Playstation gift card, ugly Christmas sweaters, and cute Christmas pajamas for him. He didn’t give any hint for what his gift was. Only that she would like. She had grumbled and said I’d better. He went on to tickle her.

After filming a promo, she went to look for Jey. The show was about halfway over and she hadn’t seen him yet. She knew he was here. She was walking around the arena. And then she spotted him down the hall. She froze. He was talking to Liv.

She took a step forward then stopped. Something hitched in her chest. They were smiling and laughing. Liv tossed her hair over her shoulder and touched his arm. Rhea tried to take a step forward, but she couldn’t. Her chest felt heavy. Why was it so hard to breathe? And what the fuck were they talking about? She put her hand on her chest and swayed on the spot.

She heard someone ask her if she was okay. She tried to tell them she couldn’t breathe. She felt herself inhaling, but it was quick, short breaths. Her chest got tighter. Suddenly Jey was in front of her. She used the last of her strength to pull away from him.

“Rhea, you have to calm down,” he said, reaching for her again.

She stumbled back and fell on her butt. She shook her head.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“P-p-p…” Rhea said, feeling lightheaded.

“Get Damian,” Jey called to the staff that was scrambling to help Rhea.

He looked so scared. Was it because she had caught him? Since when did he have casual conversations with Liv Morgan? She couldn’t even remember them being in the same place together apart from the ring.

The last thing she saw before she blacked out was Damian reaching for her.

Rhea woke up in medical. She felt eerily calm. Something was on her face. What was it? Oh an oxygen mask. That’s right. She was having trouble breathing. She had caught Jey talking to Liv. She looked to her left, no one there. She looked to her right and saw Damian. He was scrolling on his phone. She touched his arm.

“Hi Rhea,” he said, smiling sweetly. “What’s going on?”

“She’s awake?” she heard Jey ask. He was far away. Closer to the door.

Her heart pounded in her chest. Her face twisted in anger.

“He was talking to Liv,” Rhea whispered.

Damian looked confused. “Okay? They said you had a panic attack.”

Great. She had a panic attack in front of her enemy.

“Yeah. Probably because the last guy I dated who was sneaking around talking to Liv left me for her.”

“It wasn’t like that, Rhea,” Jey said, walking over to them.

Rhea sat up and snatched off the oxygen mask. “Yeah. Where have I heard that before?”

“Are you serious?” Jey asked.

Rhea studied his face. His eyes were red like he’d been crying. A mix of anger and confusion on his face.

“Deadly. So why don’t you leave me the fuck alone?”

Jey’s eyes watered. He was hurt. “Forreal? You want me to leave?”

“I don’t understand why you’re still here. Go find Liv.”

“Who cares about Liv? I’ve been worried sick about you!”

“Please, spare me,” Rhea said, looking away from him. “Priest, get him outta here.”

“Rhea,” Jey said, his voice cracking with sadness.

Rhea felt a pain in her chest, but she didn’t look at him. She just shook her head and placed her hand on her chest.

Damian stood up. “I’m sorry, man. You gotta go.”

Rhea heard him walk off and tears started rolling down her face.

“Are you okay?” Damian asked, gently rubbing her back.

Rhea shook her head. As she began to cry harder, he pulled her into a hug.

“We’ll figure it out,” Damian said. “No matter what, it will always be you and me.”

I loved him, Rhea thought. And he left me too.

[vampcubus]

Hi! If your accepting requests would you mind Writing a thing with tanjiro, zentizu, Inosuke, and Kyoujuro (separate) with a reader who is blind? I have very limited vision, to the point with out my very thick glasses I cant cross a street lol. I'd think it be cute to see our favorite boys help my helpless ass lol.

𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐃!𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐂𝐒

:ఌ¨ ♱ 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 : tanjiro, zenitsu, inosuke, and kyojuro.

:ఌ¨ ♱ 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 : sfw, the boys being overprotective.

𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐉𝐈𝐑𝐎 𝐊𝐀𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐎

— Tanjiro has found the balance between being caring and being overprotective of you. He’ll never make you feel like you’re delicate or dependent. Always asks permission before guiding you around, but has mini-heart attacks when he sees you doing dangerous things without him.

— If you're a slayer in spite of your blindness, he is immensely impressed! Always complimenting your grace and swordsmanship. He wonders if your other senses have heightened to accommodate your lack of vision.

— Tanjiro is determined to make you as happy as possible, keeping tabs on scents, textures, and sounds that make you smile. And gods does he love your smile. He'll do anything to see it.

— His hand is practically glued to yours 24/7 because he doesn't want to lose track of you in crowds... and the warm weight of your palm in his is comforting. Gets a little panicky if he loses track of you, head jerking from left to right, hopping to see above the crowd in search of your familiar face.

— Tanjiro always finds you though, that boy can sniff you out no matter where you wander off to.

— It's kind of funny when he finally does find you, because you don't look concerned at all, just going about your business like nothing was amiss. He'll sigh deeply through his nose and smile, jogging to catch up to you and take your hand in his again.

"There you are, you sure slipped away from me haha..."

— Pls don't wander off like that.

𝐙𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐒𝐔 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐀

— Anxiety bf that panics when you're out of his sight for more than two seconds, running around like a madman in search of his "poor helpless partner" (even if you're far from helpless)

"Y/N?? SWEETIE, WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'm right here, Zenitsu -_-"

— Actually has a knack for predicting accidents and scouting potential hazards, so he'll casually weave you around dangers without missing a beat in conversation. He'll hear you trip and rush in to keep you from falling just in the knick of time. That super speed comes in handy!

— Definitely takes advantage of your blindness to stare lovingly at you 24/7. Being able to stare at his beautiful partner without consequence? It’s too good to pass up.

— Goes from "let me protect you" to "protect me pls" if he finds out that you're a slayer, clinging onto you whenever you have to hunt demons together. As Zenitsu hardens and becomes less cowardly, he's much easier to work with. You two become so in tune with one another's fighting styles that you often get sent on missions as a pair.

— Zenitsu throws sobbing fits when you get sent on different assignments, worrying the whole time you're apart. What if you tripped and he wasn't there to catch you? What if you got lost and couldn't find your way back to him? He'd die alone!

— Your reunions are always teary (mostly him crying and you stand there confused as to why he's so upset) and snuggle-filled.

"I thought you were dead, my love!" he sobs, and your brows raise. "Your faith in me is sooo inspiring," you sigh, unamused. You pet his hair anyways, letting him cry into your shoulder.

𝐈𝐍𝐎𝐒𝐔𝐊𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐀

— I don't think he'd realize you're blind at first, which I think is fucking hilarious. He's always so confused about why you're missing certain cues and showing no reaction to his body language. He's gotten all up in your face several times just for you to stare at him with a blank expression. Finds you intimidating because of it and backs off.

"(butchered name) is so cool... I CAN'T STAND IT!"

— And then when it clicks that you can't see, he's facepalming so hard. You're not cool you're just blind and can't tell when he's provoking you. No matter, he'll just have to spell it out for you next time.

— If you're a slayer, Inosuke has a great deal of respect for you being able to kick demon butt despite your handicap. Then he thinks you're cool again :)))

— You'll notice that Inosuke holds onto your clothes a lot. Clutches your sleeve and tugs you around, or hangs onto your haori/kimono when you're out and about. He might not seem like the type to be a worry wart, but he is aware that your blindness makes you more vulnerable than others and is determined to be your eyes for you as often as he can. It's an unspoken thing.

— Has some slip-ups where he points at things and says "WOAH LOOK AT THAT!" only to see the strained expression Tanjiro's giving him and your blank one. "Oh right sorry."

— Prepare to be yanked out of the way by the wrist/clothing when danger comes your way. He might not be the most gentle about it, but he doesn't want you to get hurt.

𝐊𝐘𝐎𝐉𝐔𝐑𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐆��𝐊𝐔

— Kyojuro is insanely protective of you. Always has an arm locked with yours at all times to guide you around safely, it's subconscious at this point.

— Obviously, he can't always be there to help you since his Hashira work keeps him away for long periods, something he regrets deeply. He reminds you to always be careful when you have to part ways, and makes you promise not to do anything too dangerous while he's away.

— Oftentimes entrusts you with Senjuro, who is more than happy to be your eyes when Kyojuro can't. Though sometimes even his father can be seen guiding you around the house, looking all soft-like, not that you can see the gentle expression on his face. Kyojuro's heart swells in his chest at the sight of his family taking such good care of his partner.

— He'll bite his tongue if you're a slayer, though even you can tell he wants to say something sometimes. It's not that he finds you to be weak, he's just terrified of losing you. Training loads with him will put his heart at ease a little, being able to see firsthand just how capable you are despite being sightless. He really shouldn't be surprised, Gyomei was blind just as you are, and is the strongest of the Hashira.

— Kyojuro is always placing your hands on his face and kissing your palms, grinning from ear to ear when he makes you giggle successfully.

[cambria-writes]

good day! been a little while since i updated this one too. honestly it's just because i forgot; the chapter was written and everything lol. the one after this is still in the work though, so that... might take a little bit. it starts to get spicy so i'm trying by best to not be a cowardly little ace and just get in there.

word count: 2,722 rating: M warning: people are shirtless and pantless/trouserless, mention of a panic attack, age gap but left up to interpretation, getting cockblocked by a phone call, swearing, so scarcely proofread it might as well be whiteclaw, let me know if there's anything else!

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𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕾𝖎𝖝𝖙𝖊𝖊𝖓: 𝔏𝔢𝔪𝔬𝔫 𝔚𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔯

Waking up is a slow process.

The first thing you notice is that the pillow is softer than what you normally have at home. Your face is half engulfed in it in the best of ways. Like your head is cradled by a temperature controlled cloud.

The second thing that you notice is that, though the air should still be cool from early morning, half of you is warm. Almost too hot to bear; you can feel sweat beading on your collarbone.

The third thing that registers is that you’re very much not wearing your own clothes. It feels different, and definitely isn’t a dress, or whatever oversized shirt you’d otherwise be wearing to bed. And everything smells different. In a pleasant way your brain is still trying to make sense of.

You crack open an eye to look at what you think is the nearest window and take a second. Patrick Jane’s face is mockingly close. And you’re well on your way to being half on top of him; one arm holding onto his left shoulder and your right leg thrown over his left thigh. It wouldn’t even have been that bad, really, if his hand wasn’t also on your thigh.

Not entirely the development you expected after getting entirely too-violent flashes of someone else’s traumatic experiences. But also, unfortunately, not the strangest thing that’s happened to you in recent history.

You’re halfway back to sleep–there’s no way you’re going to stay awake to chance a conversation about all of this when you still have a raging headache–when you feel the hand on your thigh give the slightest of squeezes. Well fuck.

“There’s Tylenol and water on the chair,” Jane says quietly. His eyes stay closed. For all anyone could tell he still looks like he’s asleep.

You make a sound between a grunt and scoff. Pull your arm and leg away and turn around in bed like it’s no big deal. There is, in fact, a metal water bottle and two Tylenol on the chair Jane had pulled up the night before. You pop the pills in your mouth, unscrew the bottle and–

“Oh my fucking god,” you say, approximately, around a mouthful of lemon water and pain killers. Swallowing is almost painful and you can’t help but gag as the pills go down entirely wrong. Immediately try to flush them down further with more water and sputter and cough once you swallow. “Lemon? God, do you hate me?”

“You mixed your drinks last night. You’re dehydrated.” Jane takes a deep breath, almost a yawn, and runs a hand through his hair. His eyes are still closed. “You’re dehydrated,” he repeats patiently. “You might hate it but it’ll help. Drink.”

Throw your legs over the side of the bed and eye the bottle in your hands with utmost contempt. There’s no sugar in there, it’s just straight lemon juice in water. Maybe some salt. You’re pretty sure you felt pulp in there too. You swallow your pride and personal preference with another gulp of citrus water.

“Good gi–”

“No, nuh uh,” you cough and turn around, point a very tired finger at the man next to you. “You don’t get to call me that. Stop that.”

Jane finally opens his eyes, one arm thrown casually over his head and the other resting across his chest. The look on his face could only be described as a shit eating grin.

“Funny, I got the impression you liked that.” You scoff and take another drag from the bottle. “Do you remember what happened last night?”

It takes a second for you to bring the bottle back down from your lips. Yes, actually, despite how apparently very drunk you were, you remember everything very clearly. A little bit too clearly.

“You’re going to have to be a lot more specific than that,” you reply slowly, bringing your legs back up to sit cross-legged on the bed. You stare at the wall in front of you; get the feeling that looking Jane in the face is going to make you lose whatever little nerve you still have left.

“The panic attack,” Jane says simply. “Can you tell me what caused it?”

“You wouldn’t believe me,” you mutter, fidgeting with the near-empty bottle before screwing the cap back on. “It’s not the kind of thing you’d take seriously.”

This is when Jane slides himself up the bed to rest against the headboard. Reaches out to brush hair behind your ear to see your face.

“You wouldn’t lie to me. And with what you’ve been seeing and doing lately...”

It’s rare that he trails off like that, but you still resist the urge to turn and look at him. Take a deep, measured breath, and lean over the side of the bed to put the water bottle down on the floor.

“When I touched your hand when I was on the couch, I... It’s like I saw what you did. Back then. When you came home to...” It’s your turn to trail off. Wring your hands in your lap and screw your eyes shut. “I remember what the note said–the one on the door. I remember the lamp, how they were–how he displayed them. I panicked cause I thought, I mean, it’s crazy, right? Like, I have to have heard about this in the news, right? Or something? I’ve never experienced that before. So I just kind of...”

“Panicked,” Jane finishes, and you don’t like his tone. You can’t pinpoint what, exactly, it carries, but none of the options available sound good. Pain? Anger? Disbelief? Offense? Christ, this is so messed up.

“Yeah. I panicked. And then I tried to see if I could, like. See more? And I saw you driving up here. Jane, I saw the fucking mail in your hands. I could tell you which bills had come in.” When your breathing starts to speed up again, you feel a warm hand at the back of your neck. Makes you flinch, at first, but you lean your head back into it.

“Okay,” Jane says after a while, digging his fingers into the muscles around your spine to try and loosen them up. “Alright. What was in the mail?”

You scoff and open your eyes to blink away tears.

“One of them was the license renewal for your car. There was a phone bill in there too, and a notice from one of the private schools you’d looked into. And something from a relative, I think,” you list, trying to remember the return addresses you saw. “And a letter from Europe. I remember there were like, twenty stamps on it.”

Jane releases a rushed exhale. Like he genuinely can’t believe what you’ve said. Neither can you, honestly; it feels like it’s all just a big, surreal joke. Like someone’s going to bust through the guest bedroom door–which was left blessedly open–and say that you were actually hypnotized and that everything you think you saw was just a production of suggestion.

No one runs into the room. Jane scoot closer to you. The hand at the back of the neck moves to your shoulder.

“Skye. Look at me, please.” You keep your head tilted towards the ceiling and refuse to look down. “I’m not mad, I promise. Please just look at me.”

Though you don’t bring your head back down, you do tilt it to the side just enough to see his face. The calm smile on Jane’s face makes you want to scream. Turn the other way and wrap your arms around yourself.

“This is so fucked, I’m so sorry. Can we forget any of this happened? God, this is so fucked, this is so fucked.” You bite your lip and rock back and forth. This is absolutely another panic attack, god dammit. Try your best to keep your breathing steady.

When Jane tries to pry the arm closest to him away from your body, you put up a very cursory fight against it. Eventually, he just firmly takes a hold of your arm, puts a hand to the back of your neck again, and pulls you into him. It takes a few laboured breaths before you completely lose it. Grossly sobbing was not how you planned on spending your morning.

None of this is, actually, how you planned on spending any morning. But here you are.

Jane pets the back of your head and whispers things in your ear; you can’t hear much beyond the sound of your own sobbing and the blood flow roaring in your head. You vaguely, distantly realize that he’s not wearing a shirt when you ball your fists against his chest.

“That’s it, just keep breathing,” he says, eventually, a little bit louder, once you’ve been able to stop crying and at least try to breathe right. Feels like there are starbursts in your eyes. “You’ve been through a lot. This doesn’t help.” Puts his hands on your shoulders to pull you away just enough to look at you. “Have you talked to anyone at all?”

Shake your head and clear your throat. “N-no I–who would I have–no one would’ve understood. Who the fuck would I have talked to about any of it?” You try your best at a derisive laugh, but it sounds more like a sob. Before you can, Jane brings his hands up to your face to swipe at your tears with his thumbs.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you how you were doing,” he apologizes, frowning and pulling you back into his chest. “I should have checked in.”

Shake your head against him and sigh. “Not like anyone knew what was going to happen to me.”

“No, you’re right, which is exactly why someone should’ve stuck around to make sure you were alright.”

You don’t have anything to say to that. He’s not wrong. But, christ, how were you supposed to afford therapy in the first place? And even if you could, how were you supposed to explain to anyone what happened to you without having them wholesale minimize everything at best, and dismiss your experiences at worst? Even Jane probably only sideways believes you just because he was there for like, most of it. You honestly don’t think you could get some PhD having suit-and-tie asshole believe your wild fucking tales.

“You’re thinking too much,” Jane says, and the low tone he uses makes his chest rumble. You swallow thickly and try very desperately not to think about the states of undress you’re both in. Now is a very bad time to– “You’re still doing it.”

“Sorry.” It comes out almost as a whine. Your hands flatten against Jane’s chest. The feeling of his heart beating under his ribs is oddly... soothing.

He pets the back of your head one more time before disentangling himself and standing up. You feel too cold and a bit too untethered without someone next to you. Jane nudges his head at you and asks you to turn around. You sniffle and give your face one last pass–wipe your eyes on your forearm and your nose on your hand.

Once you’ve turned around, still cross-legged with your hands in front of you, Jane takes his place behind you. And it’s all you can do not to moan when you feel his fingers wrap around your shoulders and his thumbs gently dig into the tension in your neck.

“Holy fuck, how did you know?” You sigh, wincing as your muscles are forced to let go of each other and relax. Jane huffs in laughter and slowly moves up your neck.

“I don’t think anyone would’ve missed the way you carry everything in your shoulders,” he explains, slowing once he gets back down to the collar of your–his–shirt. “Do you mind if I...”

He pulls his hands away when you move, reaching over your head to pull at the shirt. Your heart is thrumming in your chest like a whole swarm of hummingbirds, but it’s whatever. It’s fine. This is fine. Honestly the only thing even remotely making you feel like you’re preserving your modesty is the fact that your bra is still blessedly on.

Jane whispers a quiet “thank you” before his hands return to your back. This time, his fingers maneuver around your shoulder blades and the feeling makes the breath stutter in your throat. It’s absolutely, definitely extremely nice to have someone work on your back after the weeks you’ve had.

“You’re tensing your shoulders. Relax,” Jane asks over your shoulder. The sly bastard has to know that it’s not at all funny to be speaking directly next to your ear like that. And there’s no way he can miss the gooseflesh that covers your entire torso when he does.

But, obediently, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. Your shoulders come down when you exhale, and you try to keep them as loose as possible.

It takes a second, but eventually you hear his say, “Good girl.”

You let out something akin to a frustrated growl and spin around, mouth open to say something. The words die on your tongue when you see the grin on Jane’s face, his hands still raised in front of him. Anyone else would’ve thought he was backing off.

“You kissed me last night,” is what you end up saying instead. “Wait, no, shit, that’s not what I–”

“I did.” Lowers his hands. Back to the calm and impassive face and voice again, god that’s frustrating. This time, though, you can see him clench his jaw.

Okay, that’s new.

“Why?” You can feel your ribs shaking and it’s taking everything you can muster to try and keep your voice steady.

“Because I wanted to.”

“Why?” you ask again, slowly sliding off the bed to stand next to Jane. He’s got one leg on the ground; you bump your knee into it.

For once, Jane is the one who has to look up at you, even if it’s not by much. Bite your lip nervously, and you can’t not notice the way his eyes follow the movement, just for a fraction of a second.

“Because you’re fascinating,” he replies, and the way he looks straight into your eyes makes it feel like you’re suffocating. You can see in your peripheral that he reaches a hand out. You expect to feel his hand in yours, but instead you feel the suggestion of a touch on your left thigh. Right over the graze.

“You’re at least a decade and a half older than me.”

This gives Jane pause. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious there wasn’t a sizeable age gap between you. He’d probably seen your date of birth back at the CBI when you were first there, and you’d definitely done your research on him weeks ago. The hand at your thigh retreats and Jane puts his other leg down, sits a bit straighter.

“If you feel like there’s a power imbalance and like I’m taking advantage of you, we don’t have to–”

“Ohmygod, no! No,” you rush to say, taking a step forward. “God, no, I don’t feel like that at all, Jesus. I’d be in a cab halfway home by now if I did.” Reach across yourself to grab your arm. “I just...”

Jane slowly grabs your arm and pulls it back down. You don’t miss the way his fingers stay at your wrist, over your pulse.

“Do you want me to take you home?” He’s speaking so quietly it’s he’s worried he’ll scare you if he speaks any louder.

“No.”

He waits for a second and hums.

“Tell me what you want, then.” The hand at your wrists pulls you forward. You’re standing between Jane’s legs. Can’t take another step forward.

“I–what I...”

Somewhere, a shrill ringtone goes off. Neither of you move until it rings for the third time, when it’s obvious it isn’t your phone ringing. Jane sighs and it looks almost painful. You step back to let him get up and grab his phone. It stops ringing when he flips it open, but as he’s going through his missed calls, the phone rings again.

“I’ll be right back. Sit,” he instructs, and his tone makes you sit down on the bed immediately.

You can’t hear what Jane says as he walks out of the room.

𝓣𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽

@fucklife-or-me @newavenger @yearningforsappho @mamacakeishereforfun @nastukee

[graviconscientia]

The second night, there is, as expected, panic.

Her Highness, Virago Netrak, First Princess, Promised Future of the Alternian Empire, has not slept a wink since someone broke into the palace. The captain of the palace guards has been trailing her every step for hours, apologizing one moment, offering ideas on how to bolster security the next, and while his intentions are good, his voice is driving her to madness. His attention has been on her the entire time, but so has everyone else's. Soldiers and staff and nobles and every person who has ever stepped foot inside the palace are seeking answers-- They cannot ask her mother, so they must ask her. There are many moments where she would love to raise her voice, and remind all of them that her mother did not choose an heir. There are five siblings, and here, they are a quinquevirate. The empire will not fall if there are ten hands to hold it up.

But it seems that in the commotion, everyone has lost their goddamn minds, as well as the recollection that she is not sole regent. So she is left to guide forces, to console servants who are nervous that there will be another attack very soon, to appease nobles who would love to see the House of Netrak lose their power in a day. Where are her brothers, her sister? Not offering their help, for certain. And there is a flash of irritation directed far beyond the grounds of the castle; because where the fuck is her mom?

She sweeps through the halls, greeting whoever she passes by, head held high and violet eyes kept forward as she hears the prattling behind her, and eventually, it strikes the right nerve, and she spins around, eyes closed with her middle finger pressed firmly between furrowed brows. Virago is not known to express frustration, but there are exceptions to every rule.

"Captain Zaldun, I appreciate your concern, I do." The princess speaks gently, with restraint and all the grace she is known to carry. "But perhaps we should continue this conversation with the entirety of the Crown. My brothers will have more to offer on the matter of guards than I do."

The oliveblooded captain leans forward, his eyes pleading to keep just a second more of her time. "But Your Highness, I just think that--"

Her other hand goes up to stop his speech, and she shakes her head, fins flaring from her cheeks. "Captain, please. I need a moment to compose myself. It's been a frightfully long day, and I am no longer interested in words. We will revisit this conversation tomorrow."

Of course, he wants to say more, but he cannot force her to listen, and with a sharp turn away, he is gone, the only sound he makes coming from his boots rapidly clicking down the hall. And for a moment, there is silence, a break. Good. Thank fucking god. A few more steps down the hall, and she is in front of a large door, that leads into a private, spacious common area for the Crown. A hideaway for a moment. Upon stepping through the door, though, she sees she is not alone.

There, spread out one of the chaises, is a young man dressed in loose, casual garments that sport magenta and gold, tossing a dense glass orb up in the air above his head, a leg lazily draped over the arm of the couch. He doesn't turn to face Virago, only smirks as the ball is launched upward, and caught effortlessly, once more.

"Zaldun finally leave you alone?"

The princess scowls at the young man, stomping over to him to yank his toy from him mid-air. "No thanks to you. No one can seem to find any of the other heirs! So instead of talking to you, they have to speak with me immediately!" She hurls the orb back to the man, glowering as she stands over him. "Where the fuck have YOU been? Where the fuck have any of you been?"

The tyrian troll does not catch his toy well, the wind knocked out of him as it hits his chest. Still, he smiles, infuriatingly. "Well, I can't speak for the other three, but me? I've been hiding. Turns out, I'm pretty good at it."

There's a groan from Virago as she sits on his lounging spot, flopping down but taking care to avoid his head. "Cyther Kaiser, I hate you so much."

"What are you gonna do, kill me about it?"

"No. If you died, Mom would be sad."

"Well…" The boy tosses the orb up once more, then carefully sets it on the low table in front of them. "Mom isn't here, is she?"

There's a glance shared between the two royals, a sorrow that carries through both of their hearts and into their eyes, and Virago sighs, resting a hand on his hair between his horns. "She would know what to do about all of this… We wouldn't even need to do anything ourselves."

"Yeah…" Cyther Kaiser rolls on his side, closing his eyes for a moment in the safety of his sister's presence. "And she'd probably tell Captain Zaldun to shove it up his ass. Which you could do too…"

The violetblooded woman laughs briefly, and her brother joins in. "You know, I just might. I'll get him next time."

There's a moment of silence, of rest for both of them, but it's gone in an instant as there is a knock at the door, with a muffled voice calling for the princess outside of it. And that voice is immediately recognizable to both heirs, earning the bearer double the rolled eyes, and raised hackles from the princess.

"There's your chance, Vira. Tell him to suck your bulge too, for good measure."

The princess whacks the top of her brother's head (which is answered with a loud ow! fuck! from the fuschia prince) and stands up, eyes intently staring down the door as she clicks back into royal mode, opening it without greeting. There's a race to speak first, and the captain wins:"Your Highness, forgive me, but I--"

"Captain Zaldun, unless this palace is in flames, or the moon is crashing into the planet, whatever you have to say can wait until next light. Do not dare to bother me again."

Virago is ready to slam the door in his face, but a smaller voice speaks up, belonging to a fresh-faced blueblooded guard that stands a few paces behind him. "Your Highness, I requested he speak to you. I wanted him to tell you something on my behalf."

Unfortunately, the princess cannot tell a young soldier in her care to evaporate immediately, and so she raises an eyebrow, a prompt for the guard to speak. Cyther Kaiser, brat that he is, has decided to join the conversation, resting his arm against the doorway, peering over his older sister's shoulder.

"Yeah? But now you've got us both here, so tell us what you need to. We don't need to hear Zaldun talk further."

The captain frowns at the prince, who only stupidly smiles back, deeply irritating the princess who is trying to hear the young lady in front of her speak. "Your Highnesses, I was sent into the library to stop the intruder from escaping, where my team and I were not successful…" There is disappointment in the blueblood troll's voice, but she continues on. "I was ordered upstairs, and I was lucky to find the intruder at their escape point, and I saw who they were."

The heirs look at each other for a split second. An identity will make this situation easier, certainly. An assassin will mean sleepless nights, but a spy will mean war. Thieves only matter as much as what they stole, and anyone else will be handled as deemed necessary. One more glance to Cyther Kaiser, and then Virago speaks. "Who was it? We need to start investigating at once."

The soldiers look between each other before the blueblood speaks once more. "Your Highness, it was your mother." >Previous? >Next?

[passerine-writes]

Symbols - Chapter 45

Warnings: EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON OUT THAT IS CANON IS MANGA BASED, THIS IS YOUR POTENTIAL SPOILER WARNING IF YOU ONLY WATCH IT! Komini. He’s his own warning. Word count: 2690

Masterlist

Chapter 44 | Chapter 46

I sat on the couch in the hotel, exhausted after the major anxiety spike earlier. Keiji sat on my left and Koutarou used my thighs as pillows. Most of the second and third years were in the common area, the majority of them holding a conversation. Even though Inarizaki was disqualified today, the hotels were paid until the end of the events, so they were staying through to the end of it and simply observing the rest of the matches. There was quite a bit of tension floating around due to Inarizaki's loss, which was understandable. Atsumu seemed to be taking it the hardest, his brother sulking right beside him. Konoha and Sakusa were also sulking due to this but tried their hardest to mask it.

I gave Sakusa a pleading look, knowing that out of anyone, he had the best chance of cheering up the faux blond. He rolled his eyes but moved and stood beside Atsumu. The blond looking up at him with puppy dog eyes while Sakusa sent him a curt nod.

"Hey Osamu, wanna go on a walk?" Konoha asked softly, hands tucked in his pockets. Osamu looked at him with wide eyes but quickly composed himself and nodded, following his soulmate to the door.

Komini poked his head in and awkwardly entered the common area, opting to stand in the corner again.

"Hey Suna, I almost forgot something." I called out to the middle blocker, the quiet boy raising a curious eyebrow at me. I waved him over and showed him the pictures I captured of him with his arms down the sides of his shorts. He glared at me in a nonthreatening way and crossed his arms.

"Delete it." I locked my phone and placed it by Kou.

"Never. Just be happy I'm not sending it in the group chat." I pushed back, knowing it was in good fun.

"I'm watching you, Kaara." He stated casually.

"That sounded a lot creepier than I think you intended." I told him, trying to stifle my laughter. He simply shrugged and returned to the chair he was sitting in. Komini just watched the whole interaction. It made me slightly uncomfortable, however Keiji decided to distract me by playing with my hair, the braids forgone after my shower earlier. I hummed in content and relaxed further into his body. I forced my eyes open so I wouldn't fall asleep and saw that Komini was still staring. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to say something but was met with him nodding his head towards the hall. I sighed loudly and stood up, gently moving Kou's head to Keiji's lap. "What?" I asked him softly, still completely drained after earlier. The two of us stood around the corner, still in sight of two of my soulmates.

"What happened earlier?" He asked, clearly trying to reign in his attitude.

"I had a panic attack and it made me throw up, it happens sometimes. What about it?" He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly giving it his all not to be a jerk.

"I meant, why did you have a panic attack over a dumb text? Seems weird." He gritted out, his nice guy act finally gone.

"Just more things you don't know and I don't feel like sharing. To put it into perspective, it would be the same thing if your soulmates mom decided to text your moms ex because she knew him and was still buddy buddy with him." He glared at the ground before directing the look to me.

"How the fuck do you know about that?" He took a step forward and I instinctively took one back but met the wall. My anxiety skyrocketed. I froze and held my breath, my body refusing to move or say anything.

In a matter of seconds, Komori was pushing Komini away while Keiji and Koutarou made a human barrier between us. My eyes darted around nervously, my hands clenched into fists by my sides.

"Kaara, look at us. Okay? You're safe. You're safe here." Keiji said softly. I took a shaking breath and nodded, trying to steady my remaining nerves. "It's okay." I tugged my lower lip between my teeth and wrapped my arms tightly around the two of them. "Do you wanna go upstairs? Or do you want to go back to the common area?" He asked gently, patiently waiting for my response. I mumbled a small 'upstairs' and followed the two up the stairs. "Is it okay if we call Kenma and Tetsurou? They texted the group chat asking if you were alright." My stomach twisted itself with guilt, feeling horrible for worrying everyone. "Hey," Keiji mumbled, slowly bringing his hand up to cup my cheek, angling my face up to look at him, "there's no need for any of that. We like knowing how you're feeling, even if it isn't always a nice feeling. Is it okay if we call them? If not, it's alright, we can always text them."

"I'm okay with calling them." I mumbled, frustrated with myself for how I reacted earlier. I'm stronger then that, I shouldn't have frozen. Koutarou placed a gentle kiss on my temple and wrapped a sturdy arm around my waist.

"Hey, is our little atom okay?" I heard Tetsurou ask through the phone, Keiji putting it on speaker.

"You're on speaker, Tets." The setter stated softly, sitting beside me on the bed.

"Hey, baby, are you okay?" I took in a shaky breath, still trying to find my voice.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you guys." I said meekly.

"Don't apologize, love." Kenma chimed in. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?" I licked my lips nervously, moving to pick at my fingers until Keiji stopped me by slipping his hand in between my own.

"Uh, Komini wanted to talk so we stepped off to the side. He wanted to know what happened earlier and I explained it briefly, he asked me why I had a panic attack over a dumb text so I compared it to if his soulmates mom decided to text his moms ex boyfriend who was horrible and he got upset and asked me how the fuck I knew about him. He stepped forward and when I backed up I hit the wall and I just froze." I stated blandly, silently disappointed in myself.

"Komori ended up pushing Komini away and Koutarou and I went to Kaara." Keiji finished for me.

"There's nothing wrong with freezing up, sometimes I freeze up when I get really anxious." Koutarou said, trying to help as best as he could.

"I'm just, I'm mad at myself for freezing. I taught myself when not to growing up but I still do sometimes." Keiji looked at the ground intensely, clearly upset that I had to teach myself not to freeze for certain situations.

"It happens sometimes, it might be happening more because you're not in the same environment. There isn't a constant need to protect yourself physically anymore." Tetsurou explained calmly, knowing it was a difficult subject for me to talk about.

"I guess that makes sense.." I mumbled, content to have even a potential answer. "I'm sorry." I whispered, leaning my head on the oldests shoulder.

"What're you apologizing for?" Kenma asked.

"We're all in a relationship now, and right after I confess and join the relationship, I'm already causing issues." I explained, my voice strained.

"You haven't caused any problems, little atom." Tetsurou said gently. I shook my head lightly in minor protest but he kept speaking. "People in your life have been causing problems and have been stressing you out. You didn't ask for that." I sniffled and nodded, melting a little more into Koutarou's warm body. "Do you wanna talk about anything else that happened today?" I knew he was asking about what happened with Kenma's parents so I obliged. I slowly explained a majority that happened earlier with the setter's parents. The four looked pissed and I could feel it flowing through our bond. "We're not mad at you, pretty." I relaxed hearing that, Koutarou's hand coming up to run through my hair. "Feeling better?" I nodded again and took a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled again. "I'm trying not to, but I still feel bad."

"You're trying and that's what counts." Keiji reassured me softly, leaning over to place a kiss on my temple.

"I wish we could come over and help more." Tets said softly, the man pouting on the other end of the electronic.

"It's okay, Tetsurou. It's not your fault." I said softly, watching as a coy smirk came on his face that made me roll my eyes. "Okay, you proved your point."

"Well, I'm sorry about my parents. They shouldn't have commented on anything and my mom shouldn't have texted yours." Kenma said gently while pulling some of his hair back in a low pony tail.

"It's okay, Ken Ken." I whispered, running a hand through my waves with disgust. "Keiji? Can you braid my hair again, please?" I asked him softly, starting to feel myself reach a new point of crashing.

"What did his mom say to you, pretty?" I tugged on my lower lip and tried to work up the courage to say it, knowing I would just be disappointing them again.

"She said I could use some work on my midsection and thighs." I sighed, already feeling guilty about all of their frustrations building up, but I bit my tongue despite what I wanted to say.

"Let it out, love." Kenma told me and it seemed that just let the flood gates snap.

"I don't understand what the hell she's seeing. Yeah, I've gained weight, so what? I am still healthy and then she's going to try and blame it on me quitting volleyball? Bullshit. If she's so close with my mother then she should know it's because I'm no longer only eating portions meant for an elementary schooler. Not my fault that I had to live with a fucking control freak for years who had a conniption fit if I gained a few pounds." Everyone stared at me in disbelief while I just deflated. "Sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice with any of you or misdirect my anger."

"You little firecracker, we know you weren't taking it out on us. You were just finally letting it out." I sighed, thankful for Tetsurou knowing exactly what I meant with my tangent. "And she had no right to comment on your body, plus she has no idea what she's talking about, your stomach and thighs are to die for." I blushed and rolled my eyes since I couldn't move my head while Keiji braided it.

"No, he's right. I want to take a nap on your thigh pillows after the tournaments are over." Kenma told me point blank.

"Fine, you can take a nap on them after nationals." He smiled lightly at the confirmation.

"Feeling better, cutie?" Koutarou asked me before placing a swift kiss on my cheek.

"A little." I whispered, giving him a tender smile. In turn, he gave me a bright, wide smile, easily making me smile a little more.

I sat there while the boys talked, basking in their presence. My hair was soon braided, Kenma and Tetsurou went to bed, and soon, Keiji, Kou and I did the same. I laid between Koutarou and Keiji, curling into the latter's chest while Koutarou spooned me. Sleep came quickly and all consuming, so much so, it was difficult to wake up in the morning.

I managed to drag myself out of bed, Koutarou jokingly pulling me off the mattress before him and Keiji got changed. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he would see me downstairs. I rifled through my bag and found a pair of thermal leggings and a cropped tank top with a small sweetheart neckline that went down just far enough to show the top of Koutarou’s owl while displaying most of Keiji’s books. But I couldn’t find anything to layer it with. On a whim, I wrapped my arms around my stomach and went downstairs in search of two of my boyfriends. Kou stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me, Keiji simply smirking softly.

“Damn, Kaara. Lookin’ good.” Atsumu said as he came around behind me, making me roll my eyes.

“Shut up, Atsumu.” Osamu said as he walked in after. I quickly walked up to my boyfriends, Koutarou’s eyes glued to my chest. More specifically, the small bit of an owl peaking out.

“Do either of you have a flannel I can borrow?” I asked softly in a hushed voice.

“I have one in my bag, do you want me to grab it for you or will you be able to find it?” Keiji asked calmly before sipping on his tea.

“I should be able to find it, thank you.” I said quickly, giving each of them a kiss on the cheek before rushing back upstairs.

It didn’t take me long to find the flannel Keiji was talking about, a classic red and black one that paired nicely with my slightly off white tank top. I put in all of my earrings, tamed a few of my fly aways and went back downstairs, Koutarou instantly coming to my side, picking me up and spinning me around, effectively making me laugh while I clung onto his shoulders.

“Good morning.” I said through a few subsiding laughs once he set me down.

“Good morning!” He replied cheerfully, a bright smile on his face. Keiji came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me back to his chest a little.

“Good morning.” I said to the raven haired boy, leaning my head back slightly to look at him.

“Good morning, little opus.” He said in a gravelly voice, lips brushing against the shell of my ear and sending chills down my spine. “I made you coffee, thought you might want a pick me up.”

“You both are amazing, thank you.” I said, happily making my way to my coffee and taking a sip, humming in delight at its perfection. “So who are you playing today?”

“We’re playing Matsuyama, Tets and Ken are playing Karasuno.” Keiji informed. 

“I’ll try and get a good spot between your courts again so I can watch all of you play.” I told them contently.

“We’ll sit with you, I wanna watch shrimpy play.” Atsumu chimed in while munching on his breakfast.

“Okay, I’ll find you guys when we get off the busses.” I told them, happily drinking my coffee.

Tetsurou stopped in his tracks before rushing over and scooping me up. Kenma dragged his feet behind him, clearly still exhausted after yesterday, so much so, his mask wasn’t even properly on his face. I gave Tetsurou a peck on the lips before moving to Kenma and giving him a tight hug.

“You look pretty, button.” He mumbled into my ear, relaxing a little in my hold.

“Thank you, love.” I whispered back to him, just loud enough for him to hear over the crowd in the stadium.

“We have to go warm up.” He told me, the others chiming in saying the same thing.

“Okay, I’m gonna go find a seat with the boys from Inarizaki.” I said, giving each of them a hug and kiss before finding Atsumu, Osamu, Suna, Aran and Kita.

“Ready to go find a spot, shorty?” Atsumu asked once I walked over, gesturing for me to lead the way. Full of excitement, I made my way through the crowd, the five following me closely as I rushed to the stairs.

“Kaara?” I heard someone ask, a voice all too familiar sending chills down my spine and tumbling in my stomach once I came face to face with what felt like a mirror.

“Mom?”

[stillalive19567]

Beneath The Surface | JenLisa | GxG | Chapter 18

As we step into the music classroom, my heart sinks a little when I spot Rosé sitting beside Lisa and Jisoo. She looks up just as Jungkook walks in, her expression shifting from surprise to annoyance in an instant.

“Jungkook?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. The tension in the room thickens, and I can’t help but feel a wave of embarrassment wash over me.

“Hey, Rosie,” he replies, waving casually. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

I can feel Rosé’s glare piercing through me. “What are you doing with her?” she demands, her tone sharp.

“Just hanging out,” he answers, glancing at me before turning back to her. “We have the same schedule.”

“Great. Just what we need,” Rosé mutters under her breath, shifting her gaze away from us.

Jisoo, sensing the growing tension, tries to diffuse the situation. “Come on, it’s just music class! Let’s focus on that instead,” she says, flashing a smile. But I can see that Rosé is not in the mood.

“Yeah, right. Let’s just get this over with,” Rosé snaps, her irritation palpable.

I feel a knot tighten in my stomach. I know this isn’t going to end well, and I dread the thought of a confrontation, especially in front of everyone.

As the teacher enters and begins to explain today’s lesson, I can’t shake the feeling of unease. I glance at Jungkook, who looks completely unfazed by the brewing storm. “Don’t worry about it, noona,” he whispers. “Just focus on your singing.”

“I can’t do this,” I mutter, my voice barely above a whisper, panic bubbling up inside me like a boiling pot.

Jungkook looks at me, concern etched across his features. “Why not? You love music, remember?”

I shake my head vehemently, my heart racing. “No, you don’t understand. I’m going to have a fucking panic attack.” My breath quickens as I glance around the room, my eyes inevitably landing on Rosé again. She’s leaning closer to Lisa, whispering something that makes them both giggle softly, and it stings more than I want to admit.

“Hey,” Jungkook says gently, nudging my arm to bring my attention back to him. “Breathe with me. In and out. Just focus on me, okay?”

I try to follow his instructions, but it’s hard to shake off the feeling of suffocation. The laughter from Rosé and Lisa echoes in my ears, mixing with the distant sounds of other students chatting. I can feel the walls closing in around me, the room spinning slightly as the panic tightens its grip.

“I don’t know if I can sing in front of everyone,” I confess, my voice trembling. “Especially not with her looking at me like that.”

“Then don’t think about her,” Jungkook encourages. “Think about the music. Think about what you love, not what’s happening around you.”

I take a deep breath, trying to channel the warmth in his words, but my eyes are still drawn to Rosé, who now appears to be engaged in an animated conversation with Lisa and Jisoo. The look on her face is one of ease and joy—something I wish I could feel.

“What if I mess up?” I whisper, glancing back at Jungkook, desperation creeping into my voice.

He offers a reassuring smile. “So what if you do? We’re all here to support you. Just be yourself. You’ve got this.”

But as the teacher calls on me to come up and take my turn, that reassurance feels like a fragile thread ready to snap. I glance back at Rosé one last time, searching for any sign of support, but instead, I see her whispering to Lisa again, both of them casting furtive glances in my direction.

I grab the guitar, the familiar weight of it grounding me momentarily as I practice a few chords. The strings feel rough against my fingers, but it’s a comfort that brings me back to a time when everything felt simpler. Taking a deep breath, I start to sing, letting the lyrics spill out, raw and unfiltered:

My love's so young, I'm young, at a sweet age

I can't only look at you,

Cold, I'm cold, a dark night

That even if it's beautiful, it's not warm

Maybe I'm just fine on the outside

Anyway, baby, I'm sorry for my young love

It's okay to not understand my complex attitude

It's okay to leave, it doesn't really matter

Even if I secretly cry when I'm on my own

It never changes, you'll never know

With only scars left, I'm falling apart, fallin'

I don't want to think about it, no, no, no

It's okay if you're bad at it, do it just for me

Listen carefully, you gotta know that

You act like you'll give me everything with just words

I'm not swayed by it (I'm strong)

You approach me clumsily and pretend to be in love

I won't be fooled again, you know I'm so bad

It's the first time, the first time I see if I can really go back

To my cold, cold heart cooling down

Don't you act like you don't know at all

As I finish the first song, I feel the tension in my chest ease slightly, and I shift into another melody, letting the lyrics flow through me like a balm for my troubled heart:

Her little whispers

"Love me, love me"

That's all I ask for

"Love me, love me"

I battered my tiny fists

To feel something

Wondered what it's like to touch

And feel something

Monster

How should I feel?

Creatures lie here

Looking through the windows

Stare long enough at the abyss and it seems to start to stare back at you

Lost inside my head, is a scary place I've adapted to

Stressed out, head down, can barely leave my bed now

I hate these fuckin' feelin's, they tell me to try these meds out

But doc, we've only talked for like ten minutes, I'm sketched out

Paranoid, can't tell if these people are foes or friends now

You know what it feels like to feel like nobody can help?

On top of that feel like you're losing yourself

I wouldn't even wish my enemies the hand I was dealt

My demons came to play, it feels like my brain may be haunted

Hate myself sometimes as much as they hate on me to be honest

I saw fentanyl take the life away from my cousin

I watched alcohol steal the life away from my dad

I came from nothing, now I'm scared that might be what I'm becomin'

Look in the mirror, barely recognize the one lookin' back, so

Monster

How should I feel?

Creatures lie here

Looking through the windows

That night he caged her

Bruised and broke her

He struggled closer

Then he stole her

Violate wrists and then her ankles

Silent pain

Then he slowly saw their nightmares

Were his dreams

Monster

How should I feel?

Creatures lie here

Looking through the windows

I will

Hear their voices

I'm a glass child

I am Hannah's regrets

Monster

How should I feel?

Turn the sheets down!

Murder ears with pillow laces

There's bathtubes

Full of glow flies

Bathe in kerosene

Their words tattooed in my veins, yeah

As I let the lyrics flow through me, I can feel the weight of my emotions pouring into each note. The melody resonates in the room, and for a moment, the tension and heartache fade away, replaced by the gentle reminder of self-acceptance:

All night, all night

You've been in your mind

We were supposed to be leaving

But you keep overthinking

Everything you try

Try, oh, it's not right

One doubt then another

Another something to cover

You're in the mirror, but you're not seeing yourself

Just seeing all the ways you could be someone else

I know you feel sometimes like you're not good enough

You're not the only one

All I'm tryna say is don't change

Every part of you is just right, don't change

Not a single curve or one line

So why cover up your flaws?

When they make you who you are

All I'm tryna say is don't change

Don't change

It's hard, it's hard

When you're in the dark

Tryna see things clearly

Yeah, I felt how you're feeling

All of the stress, pressure

All in pursuit of perfection

Wish we knew that imperfections

Make you an exception

You're in the mirror

But you're not seeing yourself

Just seeing all the ways you could be someone else

I know you feel sometimes like you're not good enough

I was 17 when you came around

Had to make some room for the new girl in town

Homecoming queen, didn't know my crown would be a hand-me-down

Kind of broke my heart moving out of state

Kind of made me scared I would be replaced

But I didn't know how much I would hate being far away

Growing up gets old, so I hope you always know

You can call your sister when it feels like no one understands

I'll be your secret keeper when you can't tell mom or trust your friends

I'll laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry

Drive eight hours through the night

If you ever need her or just miss her, you can call your sister (holler, holler)

Careful when you're driving on 49

There's always a cop car hiding by the exit sign

And if you ever wanna match mine

When Dad says he hates tattoos, he's lyin'

I've been where you are, so, I hope you always know

You can call your sister when it feels like no one understands

I'll be your secret keeper when you can't tell mom or trust your friends

I'll laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry

Drive eight hours through the night

If you ever need her or just miss her, you can call your sister

You can call your sister

Don't trust a boy who plays the guitar

Don't mix your wine with liquor

Yeah, I hate to watch you growin' up in pictures

You can call your sister when it feels like no one understands

I'll be your secret keeper when you can't tell mom or trust your friends

I'll laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry

Drive eight hours through the night

If you ever need her or just miss her, you can call your sister

Everyone’s eyes are glued to me, their expressions a mix of surprise and admiration. Jungkook lets out a low whistle, a teasing grin on his face as he leans back in his chair. “Not bad, superstar!” he calls out, his voice laced with playful sarcasm.

Before I can react, the teacher shoots him a sharp glance, shushing him. “Let’s show some respect, Jungkook! That was excellent!” she praises, her tone warm and encouraging. A smile creeps across my face at her words, but I feel a mix of embarrassment and exhilaration rushing through me.

Once I return to my seat beside Jungkook, I can’t help myself. I reach out and smack the back of his head lightly. “Shut up,” I mutter, though I’m unable to hide my smile.

He turns to me, feigning innocence. “What? I’m just appreciating your talent!”

“Yeah, right. More like trying to show off.” I nudge him playfully with my shoulder, feeling the tension of performance melt away in his company.

Jungkook chuckles, leaning in closer. “Well, you definitely show them. You’ve got skills, you know that?”

“Thanks,” I reply, still riding the high from my performance. “But I think you’re more impressed with my smack than the song.”

“Hey, can’t blame me. It’s a solid smack,” he teases, nudging me back as laughter fills the classroom.

[wonhosbuttflower]

Hurts Like Hell

Pairing: Demon Chan x Human Reader (fem)

Genre: Demon AU; Fluff; Light Angst; starts as Suggestive and ends with Smut; “Fuckbuddies/Friends with benefits to lovers”.

Words: 6,1k

Summary:  You (human) and Chan (demon) are “friends with benefits"/”fuck buddies” and you both have other casual sexual partners, but you only have a true emotional bond with each other. Admitting to it is a different story though...

Warnings/Details: open relationship (context/mention); promiscuity (mention); cursing/offensive language; possessiveness; dry humping and choking (blink and you’ll miss it); unprotected sex (please wrap it up, guys, this is NOT a good example, practice safe sex, use a condom); lots and lots of ‘I love you’; cringey moments.

Note: Chan is an incubus, a sex demon blessed with lust, one of the seven deadly sins. The reader is human, but she has been blessed by a demon at birth, in this case, Lucifer. He blessed her with pride, another deadly sin, corrupting her soul with it but making her stronger than “normal” humans. Unlike humans, demons don’t have souls, but they have “auras”, which are their demonic personal essences.

Y/N – your name / Y/M/N – your middle name (if you have one) / Y/L/N – your last name

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He sits comfortably on the black armchair in the bedroom while you're on top of him, sitting facing him with your legs swinging over the edge. The make out session had started out hot and heavy, but it was turning into a softer and tamer one as time went by. What had started passionate and impatient had turned into an intimate moment of pure affection between you two. Eventually, you rest your face on his shoulder, taking in his scent as he holds you firmly in a warm hug. You both close your eyes and enjoy the feeling of simply being together. After about a minute, which seems like hours, he breaks the silence in the room.

'Can we just stay like this forever?', he asks in a low voice as he plants a playful kiss on your nose, which makes you scrunch before showing him a smile.

'Hmm, excuse me, who are you and have you done to Chan?', you let out jokingly without opening your eyes.

'What? This is nice.', he defends himself. You look up at him.

'Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love doing fun things with you, baby… It’s my favorite activity.’, he smirks. ‘But we always do that… I’m just saying, it’s nice to have a moment like this every now and then, to relax and just… I don’t know, to just be with you, doing absolutely nothing.’, he adds, grabbing your hand that was touching him and intertwining his fingers with yours.

'Yeah, it is, actually. But wouldn't you rather do other things forever? Like, fun things… Because I can think of a few things for us to do.’, you say, suggestively, slipping your hand under the fabric of his t-shirt to feel his abs.

‘Okay, now I’m officially worried. Since when would you choose to “do absolutely nothing” rather than having sex with the hottest girl in town?’, you joke.

‘Well, I get to be with you either way, so I win.’, he smiles and gives you a soft kiss. ‘What’s wrong with just staying like this for a while? You like it too, don’t even try to deny it.’

‘Sure, I like it… But you’re acting weird today. Actually, scratch that… You’ve been acting weird lately. So, what’s that about, what’s going on?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, I don’t know, we just… You’ve just been really… hmm, nice, I guess. Like, you’ve been… sweet.’, you explain, making him chuckle.

‘Isn’t that a good thing? Why do you sound like you’re complaining? Do you not like it when I’m nice?’

‘I don’t know… I mean, I do, but it’s weird. I feel like something’s changing, and I don’t understand it. Sometimes I think you’re avoiding me or something. And now you’re passing on sex for a cute hug? You have to admit that’s kind of suspicious. Like, it’s fine, if you don’t want to do this, we…’

‘It’s not that, princess, I promise you.’, he cuts you off before you can finish.

‘Then, what’s the problem?’, you ask, letting go of his hand and rising up from where you laid against his chest to face him, hooking your arms around his neck for support.

‘I just… I have to be more cautious around you. You’re dangerous.’

‘What? What are you talking about? You’re a demon, for fuck’s sake. And I'm the dangerous one?’, you let out confused. He smiles, amused.

‘It’s too addicting… It’s like my own personal drug. And if I’m not careful, I might actually physically get hooked on it… I might get hooked on you.’, he says as he kisses your shoulder, then your neck, and finally, your lips. ‘Hell, I’m not entirely sure I am not already addicted. This is getting out of control, I’m starting to crave you… In a very literal way. And if this goes on much longer, that’s it, I’ll always keep coming back for more… and more… I won’t be able to stop myself. You won’t be able stop me.’, he finishes, looking at you with a mix of intense desire and deep fondness.

‘Your voice…’, he softly grabs your neck.

‘Your taste…’, he rubs his thumb through your lips, and you can’t help but gently suck on it for half a second before he continues.

‘Your scent…’, he leans forward to breathe in against your collar bone.

‘Your body…’, his hands travel from your shoulder blades down your back and stop to slap your ass playfully before resting on your hips.

You drink in his words as if you need them to survive. You have never felt so wanted, so adored, so… loved. You want to tell him you wouldn’t stop him, because the truth is that you’re already gone… You are already hooked on him, you need him. But the growing stinging inside you quickly lets you know you can’t simply say that, so you default to flirting to try distracting him.

‘You’re assuming I would want to stop you. But why would I want to do that? I’m fucking an incubus, I’m having way too much fun to end it.’, you tell him with a smirk but a pinch in your chest for not being able to tell him what he means to you.

‘I’m serious.’, he tells you, half confused, half frustrated.

‘So am I.’, you lie.

‘No, Y/N, I mean it. I feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do anymore… Or what to think. I never know what you feel, what you want.’, his eyes pleading.

‘You do know. You just want to hear it out loud.’, you say as you get off the armchair, feeling uneasy with the conversation.

‘Then why won’t you say it?’, he questions, his voice getting higher, letting his impatience and irritation show.

‘I can’t.’, you simply tell him, walking away from him and towards the bed.

‘Of course you can! You just don’t want to.’, he shoots, getting up himself and walking behind you.

‘That’s not it. I just… I can’t say it, Chan… Not yet.’, you turn to face him. ‘But you’re not an idiot, you know exactly how I feel about you.’

‘Why don’t you just admit it, then?’, he almost begs, grabbing your arms anxiously.

‘Because I’m scared! Okay?’, you shout nervously, getting out of his hold and taking a step back. ‘Because the thought of telling you how I truly feel only to have you play with my emotions is terrifying. Because you have way too much power over me, and I’ve never…’, you take a short pause, as is you’re trying to fight your own thoughts. ‘I’ve never felt so powerless in my life. So, I keep convincing myself that if I don’t actually say the words, then it isn’t real… As if it isn’t real, then it can’t hurt me.’, you stop again, looking visibly uncomfortable as you reach to touch the crook of your neck in a soothing way. ‘Because I don’t think I could take getting hurt by you, I think I’d feel… undone.’, you pause once more.

You reach down to your chest, then your stomach, then your chest again, your face scrunched up as if you’re in pain. Chan doesn’t know it yet, but you are actually hurting… He assumes you’re just being dramatic because you don’t want to look weak by being vulnerable with him, but the truth is you are in an ever-growing agony. You take a deep breath before continuing.

‘And mostly because you’re a demon of lust and sexual desire. So, what reason do I have to believe that this…’, you gesture with your hand between the two of you. ‘Us…’, a distressed groan escapes your lips at the mention of the word, but you press on. ‘That this is anything more than… argh… than your many… usual… conquests?’, you let out between gasps, holding your neck again, as if you’re having trouble breathing in the midst of a panic attack. But this is something else entirely, it’s not panic… it’s deeper and more intense, it’s despair.

‘And by the way, I know I’m not a demon, but I was still blessed by one… You seem to forget that.’, you add, a bit more composed now. ‘I am a literal embodiment of pride… So, admitting all of this shit I just said?… Yeah, this feels like literal torture to me.’, you genuinely explain, even though he assumes you mean the word “literal” as a figure of speech. You did not. Still, he has so much he wants to say.

‘Y/N… I could never hurt you like that.’, he lets out in almost a whisper, as if he’s disappointed that you would think he could do that to you.

He reaches for your hand and makes you let go of your own neck, which he notices is already marked by how desperately you tugged at the skin. Your hands drop down and because you don’t know what to do with them, you just start fidgeting around with your fingers and staring at them to avoid looking him in the eye. He keeps talking though, this time in a normal volume.

‘It’s just… You’re not the only one that’s scared, you know? This is all new to me. You said it yourself, I’m a lust demon, an incubus, all I’ve ever known is that… it’s desire and passion, fantasy and sex… It’s lust and infatuation. That’s what all of my relationships have ever been, it’s all I’ve ever felt.’, he explains. His hand moves to your jaw and he makes you look up at him. ‘But that changed when I met you.’, he tells you softly but with a serious expression. He gently let’s go of your face before he proceeds talking. ‘I think it’s different this time, you're different. You make me feel different. You’ve never been just another conquest, you’re so much more than that. This…Us…’, he takes one of your hands and presses it against his chest. ‘This is real… It’s very real. And it’s more than just sex, it’s more than infatuation. I actually care about you and that’s new to me.’, he softly kisses the back of your hand before letting go of it and taking a step back.

You miss the contact as he moves away. You miss the heat radiating from his body and you miss his sweet scent around you.

‘But seriously, I just tried to tell you how I feel, I opened myself up and you just teased me about it. So, like, can you really blame me for being hesitant?’, he asks. Your mouth opens slightly as if you’re about to say something, but no sound comes out, so he keeps going instead. Your mind is racing with everything you want to tell him. ‘I’m more afraid of losing you than anything else in this world, and that makes me feel powerless too. I’ve never felt like this and that’s scary. I… I think you like me too, but how can I not be insecure if I’m the only one confessing?’, he protests, growing exasperated.

He’s right, and you know he’s right. You want to speak but the raging sting in your chest warns you against it.

‘You keep refusing to tell me how you feel, so how should I feel confident to admit it myself? I need to know I’m not alone in this, because… I don’t think I can keep doing this if you don’t feel the same. It’s too much.’, he adds, his voice going lower than ever, as if all the torment in the world is dragging it down.

All you want is to respond to his plea, to tell him how much you want him, how much he means to you… But you can’t.

‘Please don’t do this right now.’, it’s your time to plead now, your voice nothing but a faint ghost as you look down at the ground to try to distract yourself from the pain. ‘Chan, please… Please don’t make me say it first.’, you beg, one hand moving to scratch your chest while the other carelessly tugs at the hair behind your ear. Your discomfort is too apparent, but his anger takes the best of him in the moment.

‘Why is it so hard for you to say it?!’, he shouts, frustrated. ‘I know you’re proud, but fuck, it’s not like it’s going to kill you to admit it! It’s hard for me to admit too, you know? But I’m still trying! I just need to hear it. I just need to know you feel the same. If you just admit it, then…’, he says, but you cut him off halfway as your own rage takes over.

‘You think I don't want to?!’, you yell angrily. Your eyes start tearing up as the pain inside grows exponentially stronger. ‘I want to, believe me! But I…’, your sentence gets cuts off by an uncomfortable groan. ‘It fucking hurts.’, you say, crouching slightly over yourself as you grab your stomach, clearly struggling with the pain. ‘I do- argh!… I like you!’, you manage to say before you reach for your own neck and almost try to claw your way inside the flesh, trying to get some kind of relief. It feels like you’re burning from the inside out.

‘Wha- What’s going on?’, he lets out in shock at the scene.

‘It hurts! It hurts!’, you cry out, feeling like your whole body is on fire, like your blood is literally boiling inside you, trying to burn its way out. You’re scratching yourself so hard that blood starts showing up all around your neck and chest and shoulders, making Chan finally understand you were serious when you said it felt like torture. He jumps to grab your hands, trying to stop you from clawing your way into your skin.

‘Stop! Y/N, please… What are you doing?! You’ll hurt yourself! Just stop!’, he begs as he tries to control your movements. After a few moments, you seem to calm down enough for him to loosen his grip around your hands, and you takes the opportunity to rub his cheek with your thumb. He leans into the touch.

‘Chan…’, you whisper, managing to show him a smile between the tears running freely down your face. ‘Chan, I lo- AAH!’, your confession gets cut off by a chilling scream and you collapse in his arms.

‘NO!’, he cries out immediately. ‘Y/N, please!’, he begs. Your eyes open after about half a minute and you try to regain your posture, but he quickly makes you sit down on the bed, worried that you’ll faint again.

‘I’m fine… I’m fine, it’s okay.’, you assure him. He stands in front of you as he holds you close, your legs on each side of him.

‘I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, babygirl! Just stop, okay? You don’t have to say anything.’, he tells you, letting go to look at your face. You just now notice the tears in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I know… I know how you feel. You don’t have to say it.’, he continues. You get up to clean away a single tear on his cheek with a soft kiss and then rest your forehead against his.

‘No… I’m sorry. You should get to hear it. I’m sorry I can’t say it.’, he shakes his head slightly as if he’s disagreeing with you, as if he’s saying you shouldn’t be apologizing, but you just ignore it and continue on. ‘I… I want to. I really do. I just… I can’t do it. It hurts too much.’, you confess.

‘Stop, don’t say anything… Don’t say it!’, he begs, kissing your forehead before resting his on it again. ‘Please, I just can’t stand to see you like this… I can’t see you in pain, I can’t take it.’, he declares.

‘I’m fine now, Chan. I promise.’, you smile and kiss his lips gently, without any urgency or passion, just with pure affection. You then take his hands in yours and kiss them too, before deciding to hook your arms around his neck while he comfortably does the same around your waist. ‘It only hurts when I try to tell you how I feel. It’s one of the downsides of Lucifer’s blessing… I can’t say it before you do, because it quite literally hurts my pride.’, you explain, almost entertained with how ridiculous the situation seems.

‘I… I didn’t realize it caused you that much pain. I thought it felt similar to what I feel when I want to sleep with someone but don’t… Like, it’s uncomfortable, it’s kind of this stingy feeling, but it’s nothing like what you seemed to experience. I mean, I know other demons who have been blessed by Lucifer, and they’ve also said that they feel some kind of discomfort, or even some pain when they’re ashamed or something like that… But I’ve never seen them hurting as much as you just did. I… I had no idea, I’m so sorry.’, he lets out, terrified by the idea that he’s the one that caused your suffering with his persistence.

‘Don’t be, it’s not your fault.’, you assure him, as if you can read his mind. ‘You couldn’t possibly know, I mean, even I didn’t know… I’d never experienced that before.’, you say, trying to make him feel better. It seems to work, as you can feel his muscles relaxing up a bit. ‘But yeah, I suppose it’s a bit worse for me because I’m not a demon. I’m human, and my soul is obviously more sensitive to the strain of the demonic burden than your auras are. But I’ve gotten used to it, I can handle it pretty well. And it’s not usually like this… It’s like you’re saying, the ache is usually more of an annoyance than an actual problem.’, you take a small pause to let him take in the information before proceeding.

‘But I guess the pain is proportional to how vulnerable my pride is in the situation. And… You know… I don’t think I’ve ever been in a position where the risk is quite so high. It’s just… It’s too important, it means too much. If I said it and you didn’t said it back, it would destroy my pride completely. It just comes down to that, I guess.’, you shrug your shoulders slightly, trying to look unbothered.

‘I… I never thought about that.’, he lets out, looking up as if he’s lost in his own thoughts. ‘But now that you’re saying it, I’ve never felt quite as terrible as I did the days after I first met you… Before that night when you came to my room… I felt like I was sick.’, he describes, referring to your first sexual encounter. ‘But now it makes sense… It’s because I wanted you, I wanted to take you right then and there, but couldn’t.’, he takes a small pause before looking down and gracing you with a lighthearted smile. ‘You’re crazy though.’, he adds.

‘Arguably true. I mean, at least partially.’, you joke, smiling back. ‘But why do you say that exactly?’

‘How could you ever think I would not say it back?’, he questions, planting a kiss on your lips, then your cheek and finally, your neck. ‘I told you, I can’t get enough of you, princess … I want you all the time, I hate to be away from you… When you leave to go somewhere, I count the hours until I can see you again, touch you again. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and I feel like a silly, weak, little teenage human girl when I’m around you, it’s embarrassing!’, he lets out happily, as if he’s mocking himself.

‘Oh, shut up.’, you tell him with a dry chuckle, amused, taking it as a joke.

‘I’m serious!’, he protests.

‘Sure, you are.’

‘Y/N, I mean it. I mean every word.’, he tells you, suddenly very serious.

‘You… Hmm, you’re actually serious right now?’, you wonder.

‘I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. And I’ve never been more sure about anyone before.’

‘Chan, stop… You don’t have to say this just because…’, you start, but he cuts you off.

‘No, I want to say it. I’ve had a lot of lovers over the years, but I’ve never been in love, Y/N. I always thought love was just an excuse humans invented to make themselves feel better over the guilt they have about their carnal sins. Hell, I was sure that shit was a myth…’, he takes a small pause as he rests his head against yours once more and closes his eyes, breathing in your scent. He keeps talking with his eyes still shut.

‘But then you came into my life and made me question everything I thought I knew. You made me believe in the myth. You made me feel… new, and excited, and just… happy. Happy like I’ve never felt before.’, he says, rolling his head a little before opening his eyes to look straight into yours, forehead still glued together. The knot in your stomach clenches more and more at every word coming out of his mouth. You just want to tell him he made you believe in love too. He’s the one still speaking though. ‘You’re my drug, and I can never stay away. Nor do I want to.’, he says.

‘Then don't…’, you let out in a whisper without even realizing you just spoke aloud. He moves his head back to take you all in and gives you the biggest, brightest smile you have ever seen on him, looking so warm, so beautiful, so… perfect.

‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N…’, you start laughing at the use of all the names, but deep down it’s just a nervous laugh.

‘Oh no, please don’t call me that ever again.’, you joke, trying to hide your excitement. He moves one hand from your hip to cup your face and rub your cheek before continuing. Your heart beats so fast that it feels like it’s about to burst out of your chest.

‘Y/N… I love you. I am desperately in love with you.’, he lets out just before pressing his soft, plump lips against yours. You kiss him back as if your life depended on it, your pain finally almost completely gone as a wave of relief crashes down on your whole being. ‘And I’m not even ashamed to shout it out from the rooftops for everyone to hear!’, he teases as your mouths break away, the happiest silly smile plastered on his face. You let out a snorted chuckle at the comment before holding him closer, until your noses are touching. You look up at him fervently.

‘Well, if I’m your drug, then you’re my medicine. I feel like I’m constantly burning from the inside and the only thing that stops the flames from taking over is… well, you. I only feel whole when I’m with you. You, Chan, as much as it hurts my pride to say it…’

‘Oh no, stop. Are you okay?’, he cuts you off, clearly worried that you might be in pain again, despite you showing no signs of it. You laugh fondly at his reaction as you cups his cheek.

‘I’m okay, don’t worry. You already said it, so it’s fine. It’s just a tiny little sting now, it doesn’t hurt, I promise… Because I know how you feel now.’, you explain.

‘Are you sure?’, he insists.

‘I’m sure!’, you reassure him. ‘You wanted to hear it so badly before and now you won’t let me say it?’, you tease him.

‘I’m sorry, I was just worried about you.’, he confesses, planting a quick kiss on your neck, just over one of the marks you gave yourself earlier.

‘Okay, now that you know I’m fine, will you just shut up and let me speak?’, you ask, poking fun at him. He nods eagerly with a shy smile. ‘Thank you. As I was saying, before you so rudely interrupted me… You, Chan, are the cure to my affliction. And I never thought I’d say this, but… I love you too.’, you finally admit with a warm smile.

It feels like a terrible weight that was crushing you down has lifted from your chest. You love him, and you can finally say it. And he loves you. Nothing has ever felt quite so in place. And now it’s his turn to kiss you passionately and ardently and yet, still tenderly. He’s the happiest he’s ever been hearing the words coming out of your mouth.

‘I’m pretty sure a part of me has always loved you, ever since we first met… I just couldn’t stop thinking about you.’, you say when the instant passes. ‘At first, I thought it was just sexual attraction, you know? But the more I was with you, the more I realized it was more than that.’, you tell him. A moan of pure bliss escapes him as he closes his eyes, enjoying the moment.

‘Hmm, say it again…’, he shamelessly begs. ‘I want to remember the way the words sound in your voice, it feels like music, it’s so beautiful.’, he adds without ever opening his eyes. You smile at the sight.

‘I really do.’, you say, rubbing your nose on his to make him open his eyes and look at you. ‘I love you, Chan.’, you let out on more time and he drinks it in.

‘I…’, you kiss his left cheek.

‘Love…’, you kiss his right cheek.

‘You…’, you softly kiss his lips. He’s still in his own world, taking in every small detail of what you’re saying.

‘I love you so much, baby.’, he lets out and kisses your neck, just where he knows you like it. ‘You’re never getting rid of me now, and I’m not even sorry.’, he teases as he comes back.

‘You won’t hear me complaining about that.’, you smirk, taking his hand and leading him to switch places with you before making him sit down on the bed with you standing between his legs. You take off your top, revealing the bra underneath and he kisses the skin between your breasts, and then your stomach. But then a stray thought pops up on his mind and he suddenly feels the urge to ask something.

‘Wait… so, are you like… my girlfriend, now?’, he lets out with an excited smile. You can’t help but laugh at his expression, thinking he looks like a kid waiting to receive a present on Christmas. ‘Are you?’, he repeats, sounding a little too eager.

‘No.’, with just one word, his smile quickly turns into a pout. It’s like taking candy from a baby.

‘Why not?’

‘Because I hate that word.’, you simply state, moving your legs around to sit on his lap, facing him while resting your own knees on the mattress with your feet under your thighs.

‘I don’t.’, he says with a playful smirk. ‘I never had a girlfriend, I’d like to see what all the fuss is about.’, he adds before licking the skin from your collarbone up to your ear. You close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of his tongue on your body. ‘See? You like me way too much not to be my girlfriend. Come on, just say “yes”…’, he whispers before naughtily biting your ear, teasing you.

‘Do you really care about that?’, you ask genuinely, making him look up at you. He shrugs his shoulders slightly, trying to look not too concerned.

‘I mean, I didn’t think I would, but now that you said “no”, I have to admit, it kind of sucks. I don’t know, it’s not like I’m expecting us to just magically stop fucking other people, I’m just saying… It’d be nice to let them know that, even if they are fucking you, at the end it doesn’t matter, because you’re still mine, and only mine.’, he confesses, his possessiveness coming through in his words. A satisfied smirk comes up to your face as you can tell by his speech and general demeanor that he’s becoming more sexually charged. You take the opportunity to taunt him.

‘So, you just want to claim me… Is that it? Because you don’t need to call me your “girlfriend” to do that, you know? Your dick has done that for you a long time ago, with a little help from your lips, and tongue, and hands too.’, you tease. He seems to not find it too funny though, so you try to be sweeter with your next words. You move a bit, grinding against his evident bulge, and getting closer to him to whisper to his ear. ‘Don’t you see? No matter who I fuck, I always end up coming back to you.’, you say before kissing his cheek softly. ‘You’ve already marked me, already claimed me.’, you add, now kissing his lips with a bit more passion and urgency. You, too, are getting excited.

‘Okay, that’s good and all, but…’, he starts before taking a long pause.

‘But what?’

‘Well, I want to claim your… urgh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, and I will deny it if you ever tell anyone! But… Oh, I hate myself… I want to claim your heart, not just your pussy.’, he lets out shyly. You can’t help yourself and you start laughing vigorously at his comment, so much so that you drop to the side, laying on the bed next to him, clutching your stomach. He turns to you, pouting.

‘Hey! Stop mocking me!’, he demands dramatically as he starts tickling you as revenge. You can barely breathe over his vicious attack.

‘Okay! Okay! I’m sorry! Stop! Please, stop!’, you let out between laughs, finally giving in.

‘Yeah, that’s what I thought, princess.’, he says, smugly, as you both sit back up on the bed.

‘Alright, so how about this: instead of “girlfriend”, you could just call me “your girl”…? What do you think?’

‘Oh, please!... Look at your face, you love it!’, you mock him, amused.

‘Wow, I really love my girl.’, he tries it out with a big smile.

‘Yeah, I guess that works.’, he tries to look unbothered.

‘Fine! You can call me whatever you want, just stop being a baby about it.’, you give up.

‘I like “girlfriend” too.’, he argues.

‘Hey, you punks better watch your mouth, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about!’, he lets out as an example. You roll your eyes at him overdramatically.

‘Oh, shut up, you love it too!’, he mocks you right back, grabbing your by the waist and bringing you close to him to kiss your neck playfully. You grab his hair, enjoying the moment. Your excitement soon becomes your main focus as you tug at it to make him look at you.

‘Okay, great. So, now that you’re done… (impersonating him) “claiming my heart”…’, you mock him, landing a slap on your butt as punishment, which you enjoy, as does he, feeling it up nicely afterwards. ‘Can we end all this emotional mush for now, and can you please come and claim my pussy?’, you tease, pulling yourself up to sit with your clothed core just over his ever-growing bulge and moving slightly to give him some satisfaction. The friction causes him to let out a moan and you take the opportunity to sensually bite his lower lip.

‘Hmm, you’re waking up the beast.’, he warns, making you smirk.

‘I’m counting on it.’, you respond, moving your hips back and forth as you pull his shirt off.

You take a second to take in the view. He’s so beautiful with his perfect body… his hands, his arms, his pecks, his abs, all his muscles tensing up with gratification as you ride him. His head tilts back as he enjoys the release your movement grants him, lewd sounds escaping him. You drink them all in as you carefully examine his stunning features, eyes closed and mouth agape with pleasure.

‘Just say it… Say it one more time.’, he lets out, finally opening his eyes to look fondly at you as you move steadily. His voice sounds low and intimidating, but you still welcome it. There is no pleading or begging in it… it’s not a request, it’s a clear and simple command.

‘Don't stop.’, he says, making you realize you had inadvertently slowed down the pace as you got lost drinking him in. ‘Just say it.’, he repeats as he takes off your bra and watches your boobs bouncing with the movement.

‘I love you, babe.’, you say in a seductive tone as you start moving faster, feeling how close he is.

‘Say my name.’, he orders before firmly planting his mouth on one of your nipples and sucking slightly, causing you to moan now.

‘Oh, Chan…’, another indecent sound comes out of your mouth as he licks your other nipple before sucking it. ‘Kiss me.’, you ask him as he pauses to take in a deep breath when you stop your hips. He obliges, giving you a wet and messy long kiss filled with desire and urgency. ‘Chan, I love you.’, you let out in almost a whisper as the two of you break apart, resting your forehead against his. ‘And I want you… I want you so badly right now, I need you inside me.’, you blatantly plead. He stares at you adoringly, as if he’s admiring a piece of fine art.

‘I love you, babygirl. And I can’t believe you’re mine. You’re so beautiful, so perfect, and you’re all mine.’, he lets out, his possessiveness coming out in his words, his tone, his demeanor. All of it just makes you more excited though, so you play into it.

‘You better believe it because I am. I’m yours, Chan, I’m all yours. You can do whatever you want with me, baby.’

‘I want to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk for a week, princess.’, he lets out seriously, his eyes glowing with a spark of pure lust.

‘Do it! Tie me up and fuck me like there’s no tomorrow.’, you let out a little too eagerly.

He roughly pushes you onto the bed, your back resting on the mattress as he gets on top of you, his instinct taking over, guided by the flames of desire. In a matter of seconds, he has already gotten you out of your shoes, jeans and underwear, and has stripped down himself to be completely naked. You both enjoy looking at each other for a moment before resuming the activity.

‘No one will ever touch you as delightfully as I do…’, he says as his hand trails from your thigh to your pussy, slightly rubbing over your clit before he moves on to your stomach, your breasts, chest, and finally, your neck, where he gently chokes you for a moment, sending a jolt of electricity down your body.

'No one will ever…’, he continues as he pushes his dick inside you without much care as it easily slipped in with how wet you already were. ‘…fill you up as wonderfully as I do…’, he finishes as he bottoms out with your walls clenching against his member, pressing on the large vein that runs under it, with moans coming out of both of your mouths when you’re not busy taking in each other’s lips.

‘No one… will ever… pleasure… you… as perfectly… as I do.’, he lets out between hard thrusts that make your orgasm dangerously close as he hits your g-spot just right. ‘Hmm, I’m so close, babygirl… Cum with me, cum with me.’, he half begs, half orders.

‘Oh, Chan… Chan!’, you shout, and in a matter of seconds you’re both riding your high together.

‘I’m gonna fucking ruin you for everyone else in this world.’, he says as he keeps pounding into your now oversensitive core just for some extra pleasure. You grab the back of his neck, making him look straight into your eyes. You stare at each other lovingly for a second when he stops moving before you speak, his dick still inside you.

‘You already have.’, you simply say, genuinely, before planting an adoring kiss on his already abused lips. He smiles into the kiss, feeling happy and fulfilled. ‘I always come back to you, babe. I will always come back to you… Because we belong together. No matter how many people we sleep with, it will always be the two of us in the end.’, you tell him. His eyes shine bright listening to your words. You reach down to cup his face with your hand and he kisses the palm softly. ‘Because you’re the only one who really knows me... All of me. Because you're perfect, Chan… You're perfect for me.’, you finish, leaving him feeling as if his heart is about to blow up, in the best possible way.

[blake-belladonna-defence-force]

It's the ✨annoying little shit✨ again

The Gremlin anon😺

Here is the ✨update✨ with what happend ✨yesterday night✨ and also ✨today morning✨

So, after I wrote my roommates conversation with Miss oh honey, I started reading it and

MY GOD!!! GIVE ME A BREAK FROM THE GAY!!!

I'M NOT USED TO THIS KIND OF CONSERN FROM SOMEONE!!! IT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE!!!

I'M GONNA PASS OUT OF GAY OVERDOSE!!!

I wanna kiss my roommate so bad ;-;

BUT I'M TOO SHY FOR THAT!!!

But before I could panic even more, Miss oh honey gets in (I was in my roommates room because it's bigger than mine since we agreed to sleep together) and asks with big grin on her face "How ya doin?"

"Gay- Gay panic"

"Oh honey you need to make a move soon or roommates name won't handel it"

"What do you mean?"

"Honey you know that they are conserned about you and already doing that ugly sad kitten face"

"I don't think it's ugly"

"Of course you don't, you love roommates name! But now, take my advice and make a bloody move! I WANT PROGRESS IN MY SHIP"

Before I could say anything she got away and shortly after my roommate got back and didn't notice I was there

I was coverd in their blankets like a cotton ball with only my head slightly out, and for the face my roommate was doing they were in auto pilot mode

They literally started changing in front of me

And did I say anything? No cause PANIC

I COULDN'T STOP LOOKING!!!!

I TRIED TO OPEN MY MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT THERE WAS NO SOUND!!!! I COULDN'T AND I FELT LIKE A PERVERT FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO LOOK AWAY!!! I FELT SO BAD ABOUT MYSELF!!!

BUT THANKS TO JESUS AND HOLY MOTHER I GOT CONTROL OVER MY HANDS AND COVERD THE REST OF MY HEAD WITH BLANKETS BEFORE MY ROOMMATE TOOK OUT THEIR PANTS!!!

(I could only see their back since they were turned around BUT if they took their pants off... I don't want more panic and gay thoughts so I wont think about it)

As I evolved into a full white ball of blankets I felt a tap on the blankets. I got my head out and I saw my roommate only with a fucking top on, but with a really sofh expression that made me melt

IT WAS SO CUTE!!! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!

But while I panicked they started laughing and saying that I looked like a cute tiny fluff ball

I never blushed so must for a laugh and a compliment, that laugh was music, I want more ;-;/

FUCKING KISS ME ALREADY!!!

But as I keep staring without being able to say anything they grafmdualy stoped laughing and started looking conserned/sad (sad kitty face here we go again) and then they look down and finally notice they are only with a top on and then they say "oh- sorry" and put a shirt on

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE QUIET THIS TIME AND I WILL SAY SOMETHING

And what I said was "Nice"

Just that... WHY ON HELL DIDN'T I SAY SOMETHING ELSE!?!? WHY GOD??? WHYYYYY!!!!??

But before I died of embaressment they asked "Nice what?"

"You are nice- I mean- I just- You are nice to me! You always have been since the beggining and uuhh... I just- I don't want you to be sad or- or think you are a jerk just because I got embaressed in the kitchen and uuhh-"

"Wait, how do you know about me thinking that?"

"I- I could hear you two talking"

"shit"

And this when I finally notice how hard blushing!!! Were they that embaressed? But before I could jump into conclusions I rembered Miss oh honeys advice abd asked "Uh- glup Why are you so worried about me?"

Looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite read and said "It's cause- sigh You've already been through so much... You deserve to at least be confortable in your own house, to have a safe place to yourself... Don't you think?"

I just- Give me second I need to CRY MY EYES OUT!!! WHY ARE TOU SO CUTE!?!? WHY!!!?? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!???

*incoherent gay gremlin noises*

I didn't notice I was crying until my roommate, with a very conserned voice, asks "Are you ok!? Why are you crying!?"

I kept sobbing until the picked me up, with blankets and all, and hugged me tight

I NEVER FELT SO GAY WITH JUST A HUG!!! IT WAS SO SAFE AND WARM!!!

I MELTED!!! I'M NOW A GAY GREMLIN JELLY!!!

At a certant point they layed down with me and cuddled me. I felt so tiny but yet so loved, it was so good and safe ;w;

Is this what real actually good relationships feel like? Cause I love it ;w;

I'M GAYING SO MUCH OVER THIS!!!

And before we went to sleep, my roommate wiped my tears and said "Well, if it makes you feel better, I think you're hella strong"

"snif What do you mean?"

"I mean- I still about that time I saw you knocking out a guy, that was built like a greek god, twice your sise, in front of our door step!"

"Oh that- that was just-"

"Was just hella impressive!!! I ALMOST DROPED MY FOOD!!!"

THIS IDIOT MAKES ME CRY AND THEN LAUGH AND FEEL HELLA GAY ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! don't GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I NEED TO REST!!! And that's actually what I said to them, but more like this

"Jesus Crist- Look, let's sleep already before I pass out" AND MANAGE TO SOUND FUCKING CASUAL ABOUT IT!!!

It was because I was really tired

BUT STILL COUNTS AS A VICTORY!!!

So, after I said that, my roommate nods in aproval and fucking kisses me in the forehead

WHAT'S WITH YOU AND MY FOREHEAD!!!??

Anyway, we fell asleep and this morning when I woke up, first thing I do is check tumbler, and when I get there I see shitlords ask about gremlin-fever and the gremlin in back of my head is like pspspsps do iittt

After I send that ask about giving permition for you to use my story as a fanfic I put my phone back in the table, roll over, and PROCEED TO HAVE A FUCKING HEAR ATTACK!!!

THAT DORK ON HAS SHORT AND A TOP COVERING THEM!!! IT'S FUCKING FREEZING OUTSIDE THE BED BUT THEY ARE BOILING!!! LITERAL VOLCANO TEMPERATURE!!!

I'm starting to think that shitlord anon was right about the fevor in a literal way...

BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST!!!! THE FACT THAT I CAN FEEL EVERY INCH OF SKIN IN THEIR BODY!!!

But them I look down and see their arms around me AND FUCKING HELL HOW STRONG IS THIS BITCH!?!?!

I probably panicked for and hour or so before I realize... I CAN TOUCH IT

I now I'm the volcano!!! But when I start touching their belly OUT OF GAY CURIOSITY

THEY OPENED THEIR EYES AND ASK "What are you doing?"

WHAT DO I ANWSER TO THAT!!!??? I CANNOT JUST SAY I WAS TOUTCHING YOU OUT OF GAY PANIC

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A BETTER EXCUSE THAN THAT!!!

So, as an intellectual, I said "I- I was j-just c-curious to know how it f-feels to touch it"

"You were curious to know how it feels to touch other persons abs?"

"Well... Yeah b-but not- Not, like- I'm inocent I swear!!!"

They started laughing at me and got closer, and with their fucking casualty say "You can it I don't mind, you're inocent after all"

I WANNA DIG A HOLE AND HIDE!!! YE GODS ABOVE HELP ME!!!

But I remberem shitlords anon little tip, and actually got the courage to kiss their forehead. The moment I kiss tgeir forehead they stop laughing and blankly stare at me for a solid minute, BUT THIS TIME I'M GONNA BE THE ONE TEASING BITCH, so I said what shitlord anon said "I was just checking your temperature, you look like you might have a fever"

I MANAGED TO HAVE COURAGE TO SAY THAT WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A DYING SQUIRREL!!!!

IT'S REVENGE FOR MY ENDLESS PANICS!!!

They didn't even say anything anymore, they just nooded, IT WAS PRICELESS!!!

But then, Miss oh honey opens the door saying "GOOD MORNING LOVE BIR- Oh- Am I interupting something?"

We both just stare and since she cant se if we have clothes or not due to the blankets she does a shit-eating-grin and says "Oh- Sorry to interrupt your bonding time~ I will let you continue~ giggles"

I DIED RIGHT THERE!!!

But my roommate was FUCKING PISSED

They got out of bed and started chasing her, screaming her name in pure rage!!

And I stayed in the room... Looking at the ceiling... Thinking about my life choices...

BUT PLEASE CAN SOMEONE SEND HELP

I need it ;-;

IT'S TOO MUCH GAY PANICS!!!! HELP!!!

And also, Miss oh honey is gonna sleep here today, cause aparently one of her neighbors has covid, and his wife texted everyone that he is coming back from the hospital so he can rest home (cause the hospitals are all full and he is not having trouble with the desease), like, he got positive a month ago, and Miss oh honey went for test and got negative, she stayed at home for a while to make sure she was okay, and since her covid neighbor wasn't at home with is family cause ge stayed in the hospital (and none of is family has covid, fortunatly)

So, baisically shes gonna stay for while...

Hope ya'll have a nice day/afternoon/evening/night

- gay panic Gremlin anon

Holy shit— you go, Gremlin anon! I don’t think I’ve ever been this proud of a stranger before in my life 😂

Y’all are too cute and I’m dying. Good luck with your roommate and your wingwoman Miss “oh honey”, Gremlin anon xD

[maliby]

Diagnosis: Love (15)

You got on the elevator, pressed the button that would take you to Jaehyun's floor and went straight back to your phone. In fact, you were so focused on the conversation you were having with your friends that you didn't even notice the tall man in the white uniform standing right next to you.

"Hey," he casually said, making you jolt. As soon as you heard his voice you panicked. You hadn't seen Johnny since that last time in Jaehyun's office and although you knew the two friends had talked to each other about you you still felt weird about being in his presence.

"Oh, sorry I was so caught up with texting that I didn't notice you were there," you explained while pointing at your phone.

"It's alright."

For a moment it all got silent and the awkwardness was dialed up a notch. But, thankfully, Johnny asked you a question.

"How are things with Jae?"

Thinking about Jaehyun made you relax a bit, and you were glad he had acknowledged him. That meant that maybe everything was really fine between you three.

"Amazing. I'm actually-"

The elevator suddenly stopped, your heart along with it. You had a deep fear of getting stuck in elevators and immediately started to hyperventilate.

"Fuck," Johnny cursed.

"No, no, no, no, no..." You turned around and frantically pressed the alarm button hoping someone would quickly come and get you out of there.

"Hey! We're stuck inside!" Johnny shouted as he banged on the metal door.

"Hold on! I'm going to get help!" A voice responded from the other side, serving to calm you down a bit but not enough.

"Alright, now we just have to wait."

Johnny turned around and noticed the look of panic on your face. He quickly came to you and caringly placed a hand on your shoulder.

"Hey are you alright?"

"I hate being stuck in small places. I'm fine with riding the elevator, but actually getting stuck in it...."

"Okay Y/N, there's nothing to worry about. You're not alone, I'm right here next to you. Just breathe for me."

Little did he know that he was actually the one making you that anxious. Yes, you were terrified of getting stuck in an elevator, but the fact that the person who was keeping you company was him made it ten times worse.

You didn't really know why but all you could think about right now was that afternoon in Jaehyun's office. Johnny threw himself at you and, for some reason, you didn't really do anything about it. That thought scared you to your bones. Would you be able to say no if he threw himself at you right now? You'd like to think so. Johnny's a player who hits on every girl ever. He's the guy everyone has warned you about. And, on top of everything, he's Jaehyun's best friend, a man who you genuinely like.

"Focus on my voice," he calmly said, bringing you back to reality. "Take a deep breath and then slowly let it out."

You obeyed.

"That's it. Slowly. You're doing great Y/N." Suddenly his other hand glazed your thigh and you instinctively flinched.

"Get away from me!" You jumped to the other side of the elevator as if you were running from the plague itself. "I don't want to have sex with you!"

He was stunned. So stunned that he remained silent for a few moments.

"Is that who you think I am?"

You didn't say anything, so he just continued on. "Do you really think I would try and have sex with my best friend's girlfriend while she's having a panic attack?!"

"I-"

You felt so stupid. You just wanted to go back in time and stop yourself from ever saying that.

Both you and Johnny were about to say something at the same time, but the opening of the elevator door stopped you.

"Sorry about that, sometimes she does that," the technician said as if he was talking about a real person.

"Don't worry about it," Johnny responded, completely avoiding your eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to work."

-----------

Y/N is the new nurse at NCT Hospital - the best hospital in the country. She was expecting it to be a big step in her career, but 'Bad Boy' Doctor Johnny Suh and 'Valentine' Pediatrician Jeong Jaehyun take her by surprise.

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Tag list (ask to be added): @ncitybub @noisek @nuoyii @sleep-is-all-i-seek @chasingmarkles @sktbzc0re @erisxczenie @lauraneuuh

Everyday @ 11 PM GMT

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

the person talking abt how they have to hide being queer from their family just like same that hit home so hard, and also same to learning so much abt queer history I started learning from harry and louis (through the bears bc of course, duh) and I took up reading the books rbb and sbb hv had on them and hv been mentioned (judy garland!!) anyway so I learnt sooo much more than like I knew existed? idk if that makes sense and it also made me realise that i hv a lot of internalised homophobia and it does feel incredibly lonely sometimes, because I hv no friends that are out and proud and the group of ppl at my school who are, are so nice and friendly and polite and i love talking to them in the hallways or in class when we get paired up but im so scared of like actually integrating myself into their crowd (the one time i tired to attend a meeting I had a panic attack in the bathroom) and i dont know why im telling u all this

and I dont think ppl fully understand what its like everywhere else in the world because im never going to forget this one time at a party where a girl and her girlfriend got shouted and leered at by all those boys (and their girlfriends who just let it happen, I've literally heard one of those girls talk abt how amazing it is to have a gay best friend) and how when one of them responded back by telling them off for their disgusting behaviour the boys physically started approaching them in a threatening manner

theres also these rumours that circulate sometimes abt why some ppl arent coming to school for days at a time and when they do finally show up they're slightly bruised and its bc [insert person] did smth to them and so many ppl will just casually throw into the conversation their sexuality, like everyone will be talking abt what happened and what they heard and some random dumbass will quip "I heard they're gay" and they'll whisper it, like its forbidden or smth and everyone will nod their heads like yes I understand now, like it fucking makes sense that this happened and it makes me want to punch someone

and its so fucking scary to think abt how these things just happen and ppl pretend they dont see it and everytime someone tells me i can trust an adult i think of the 3 teachers who all passed by a student who was very rainbow (it was pride month) and watched some dude basically bang his shoulder into him and the dude laughed and walked away when the guy in rainbow tripped and they did nothing

and online I see so many ppl talk abt how its ok to be gay in all these big cities and how everyone so open now! and everythigns ok! and yay to gay! gay ppl are privileged! fucking bullshit I say

because all these memories of horrific things come to mind evertyime someone says that and I dont know where ppl are getting the idea its ok everywhere now

and the first time I heard a group of ppl talk abt harry styles in a dress on the cover of vogue i got so excited bc i had secretly gone out and bought my younger brother (he likes to wear dresses and nail polish) a copy and how I had done that so damn discreetly and how damn hard it was to get it to him through my parents to him, it was so exciting and we were !!! jumping for joy and the next day at school some girl by the lockers and she called him queer like it was an insult and that got so deep in my soul and its still there, the way she said it, the way she phrased it

and im sorry this is so long ik that persons post wasnt even abt how ppl say thats 'its cool to be gay now' and that it still very much isnt but it got that out of me and u dont hv to read all this im just having a bad day im sorry :((

i hope u hv a good day tho ella u're lovely and v kind nd u make me happier and i love reading ur thoughts and I'll stop typing now <3

kind anon!! i wanna hug you so tight!!!!!

i'm so sorry you're in a place rn where you don't feel safe, where you aren't safe, where people around you are actively hostile. truly truly sorry.

you're right, the world has not caught up at all, it's a nonexistent reality that being queer has been accepted, let alone embraced everywhere. hell, i live in brussels and if i hold a girl's hand we're gaped at. when i first wore my pride pin on my bag i was terrified. when i lived in my smaller town growing up it was very much like how you describe it (tho less violent, thankfully, which really breaks my heart to read about your situation).

it can be a lonely place to grow up, and really hateful, and you saying you have a lot of internalised homophobia also hits home for me. i'm still unlearning every day. it's all the hostility surrounding us that makes us conform so as not to be the target of it, yk. nothing to ever be ashamed of, bc it's not our fault we were raised to hate ourselves.

same with the queer ppl in your neighborhood, don't be ashamed of being afraid. take your time, go at your own pace, and slowly take some steps towards them. it'll be worth your while, but i know it can be scary. be kind to yourself above all <3

you sound like a wonderful sibling to your brother - goes to show how we'll always find a way to stick together and find our role models, despite the limits others put up!!

stay queer (laudatory), baby!!!

[fuzzyturtleflower]

Pete Davidson Date

Warnings:

Mild smut

Panic attack

Comfort fic

Weed

Swearing

You and Pete have known each other for awhile now. You met through your friend groups and regularly attend the same social events. You always look forward to seeing him partially because you find him really attractive and funny but also because you've only recently moved here and he's seems normal compared to alot of people. There had been several occasions that the two of you had gotten particularly close, whether it be sharing a joint and having deep conversations, you ending up on his lap sitting on the couch because there weren't enough seats, or that one time you drunkenly fell asleep on him. As a result you felt a sexual tension building for awhile but you didn't know if he felt the same so you were too shy to make any moves. That was until you had a little too much to drink one night at a party at one of your mutual friends houses. The two of you were out the back alone. He was smoking a blunt and you were feeling a little more confident than usual, he was telling you a story about work and explaining it incredibly as he always does but you couldn't help staring at his lips. He paused and leaned in to kiss you, it felt perfect like the two of you were made for each other you quickly intertwined. He put his thigh in between your legs and you had your fingers in his hair. It had been a few minutes when you swing your leg over to straddle him and you could feel how hard he was which turned you on even more. Then he pulled away, you looked at him confused and a little hurt. He said "aight don't get me wrong y/n you're hot as fuck, and I am so into this right now but I think we're both a little to fucked up". You were taken aback and felt self conscious that maybe he just didn't actually like you the same way but at the same time you really respected what he was saying. You timidly slid off his lap and back onto the porch where you were originally sitting. He took your hand and looked into your eyes. He could tell that you were worried and he said "how about I take you out tomorrow properly when we're both sober" you perked up and agreed to the plans.

The next morning you woke up hungover but excited remembering your arrangements from last night. You were kinda nervous that pete wouldn't remember but when you rolled over to check your phone you had a text from him already "hey, we still good for today?". You quickly tapped back "hi, yeah looking forward to it, let me know when". You had made yourself comfortable in an attempt to recover for later assuming pete would want to do something that night when your phone pings again "cool, pick you up at 12" you checked the time and it was currently 11:25. You launched out of bed assessing the situation in your mirror and decided you would need to shower and wash your hair. While you were waiting for the water to heat you tapped back "see you soon" not wanting to seem high maintenance you thought it best to go along with it.

You huredly showered, did your hair and makeup picked out an outfit and packed your bag miraculously just in time for pete to pull up outside. You saw him out your bedroom window and headed for the door. You opened it to discover pete standing there sheepishly. "Oh hey" you said, "hi, sorry I just think texting or beeping or whatever is kinda rude" you smiled up at him "yeah I think so too". The two of you were in his car driving out of your area and you asked him where you were going. " I don't know about you but I'm fucking dying so I think we need to get some takeout" normally you'd feel too shy to eat on a first date but you felt comfortable around pete. "Please, I have no sugar left in my blood" he chuckled and pulled into a drive through. You took your purse out and he casually took it from you and thew it in the back seat as he started ordering. You were pulling away with your food when he asked if there was anywhere you'd wanna go. "The pier" you responded.

You arrived, grabbed all your food (you both got a little carried away ordering might've had something to do with the weed you'd smoked). You found a spot with a nice view and pigged out. The two of you were chilling out in the sun just talking about everything. It was incredible you felt like you'd known him your whole life. He was just the right balance of sweet but also fully capable of making fun of you. It had been awhile since you'd got there so you decided to take a walk to the beach you walked for ages just smoking and talking it felt like you forgot all your responsibilities. At one point you decided to paddle together. Which somehow turned into you splashing each other and ending up soaked. You thought now would be a good time to head back to the car and on the walk was when pete suggested you come back to his to watch a movie. You happily agreed "what am I gonna do about the fact you soaked me" you questioned "that sounds suggestive" laughed pete, "nah don't worry about it I'll give you something dry".

Thankfully pete's car had leather seats as he drove you back to his place you both sang loudly along with the music not giving a fuck what you sounded like. You got back to his, as he unlocked the door and brought you down the stairs he said "Don't worry my mom and sister are away on vacation I'm not just ignoring their existence". You chuckled and followed him down to his basement which was set up like a separate apartment. You were very complimentary but pete was already set on his task of finding you something to wear. He held up a shirt and some sweatpants "these good?" You nodded and he pointed you towards the bathroom while he went to his bedroom to get changed. You quickly changed into his clothes which were huge on you. You had to use your hair tie to make sure the pants stayed up. You went back out to find Pete sitting on the couch he died laughing the second he saw you "fuck their big" you laughed with him " yeah but I think it'd be weirder if you had clothes that fit me" "true" he smirked "sit down make yourself at home, I'll make us a snack". "That sounds so good" you flopped down next to him as he scrolled through to pick a movie. You pretty quickly agreed on the wolf of wall street. You were both exhausted after all the walking but not long in you were getting pretty close, he had lit up a joint and as he went to hand it to you your eyes met and once again you were all over each other. It was so much more intense than it was last night. It still felt perfect as you put down the joint and straddled him once again. He started kissing down your neck as you pulled at his shirt before long all of your clothes were stripped off. He lifted you up and carried you into his room and layed you on his bed as he lay above you his hand reached down to your breast playing with your nipples in a way that left you breathless. You reached down to stoke his dick and we're slightly shocked by how big it was. His hands made there way down your body he started out rubbing your clit and the slowly put one finger inside you and started stroking just the right spot you could feel yourself getting wetter. You broke the kiss and could hear him moaning in your ear. Not wanting to make him wait any longer you used your other hand to pull his hips into you and guided his dick into your wet cunt. He hissed as he slowly slid into you. He took it slowly to make sure you were okay. This was the point you realised you had underestimated how big he was. It stung as soon as you felt his full length and you could feel your arousal becoming panic. This had happened to you before but you thought you'd gotten better since then. You decided to keep going thinking it would pass but the hotter you got and the more you thought about it the less you realised you were coping. Pete stopped and looked into your eyes which were welling up with tears, he looked concerned "are you okay?" He stopped straight away and pulled out. "Yeah, no I mean I'm sorry" you said and you started to cry. "Hey it's okay you don't have to apologize, are you okay did I do something?". He moved to your side pulling you into a hug. " No it's not you I promise", you realised you were having a panic attack and so did pete. "It's okay you just gotta breath with me okay?" He was just holding you and helping you breath. Eventually you calmed down enough to talk.

"Why don't we put our clothes on and talk hey?" He said. You were really worried you felt like you'd fucked this up entirely. Pete went and got the stuff he'd given you earlier and you both got dressed. He sat back down and said "see? It's way less awkward not naked" you couldn't help but laugh but then you started apologizing and getting flustered and self conscious. "It's okay dude don't worry you had a panic attack it happens to me too" said pete. "Yeah but probably not during sex" you responded. Pete proceeded to tell you several things he'd done during manic episodes making you feel a little better. "Why don't I make that snack and we'll watch the movie? We were just getting to the good part when you interupted" you laughed and you both headed into the living room. Pete brought his duvet and you cuddled up on the sofa while he made some food, the kitchen and living space was open plan so you could both watch the movie. He appeared with a selection of freezer snacks, pizza bagels, garlic bread, and ice cream. You both happily watched the film and ate away. When the movie was over pete said "do you want me to drive you home, I'd be happy for you to stay but I don't want tears on my couch" you laughed and offered to get an Uber you were so embarrassed and thought pete just wanted to get away from you as quickly as possible. He insisted on driving.

The two of you had a big chat in the car you expressed your worries to him and kind of explained the reason for what happened earlier because at this point you really thought you had nothing to loose. He pulled up to your house turned the car off and looked over at you and took your hands. "Don't think that what happened earlier put me off at all if anything I like you better because this means you might be able to handle some of my crazy, and don't think you're getting rid of me because I'm gonna text you tomorrow and make sure you're okay and we're gonna hang out again because I really enjoyed this". This made you so unbelievably happy that you couldn't think to do anything but kiss him the two of you stayed like that for a few minutes before you went inside and layed in bed replaying the whole situation in your head until you fell asleep.

[phdmama]

For the unique writing asks 👀

9. What scene was the hardest to write for you and why?

10. What scene was the most fun to write for you and why?

Thank you!!

9. What scene was the hardest to write for you and why?

In some ways, they're all hard because I feel like I can see it so clearly in my head, and I'm never quite sure if I've gotten it right or not! I actually got a draft of my Sudsfest finished yesterday, and that one's been tough for exactly that reason. I have a very strong sense of the scene in my head, and it's one with lots of FEELINGS, and I'm not entirely sure I've got the pacing down. Pacing in general is so hard to do well, and it's certainly one of my growing edges in writing!

I'm writing a Larry fic as well that starts out with them reallllly not liking each other, and that's a vibe that's tough for me too, because they're kinda dicks to each other and I don't enjoy people being dicks to each other!

In terms of things that are already out there, there's stuff in (We'll Call This Fixer-Upper) Home that were painful to engage with. This moment, where Draco is having a PTSD panic attack, this one really was hard to write, and to know if I'd done it justice:

Draco turns away, overwhelmed, his mind spinning. He’s flooded with memories. His mother looking away as his father slapped him for some small infraction. Harry’s smile as Draco sank into the heat of his body, two weeks ago. He can’t breathe. He can’t think. He’s frozen for a moment, unsure where to go, or what to do. His heart is racing, and he shudders as he fights to inhale.

He looks up, and as if drawn by a magnet, his gaze snaps to Harry, across the room with a drink in hand. He looks good, better than good. He’s wearing a smart suit that fits him perfectly and even from this distance, Draco can see the whimsical floral print of his tie. He’s had a haircut since they parted ways the day before, and he looks stylishly tousled and so handsome that suddenly Draco can’t breathe. He catches the exact moment that Harry spots him, because his whole face lights up and he takes a step towards Draco, clearly intent on abandoning his conversation partner mid-word.

Draco runs.

10. What scene was the most fun to write for you and why?

Oh, there are so many that were so fun to write. :-D I feel like my stuff trends either towards long and plotty/angsty, or just ridiculous. There are a lot of my short vignettes and microfics that really made me laugh.

This moment, from this could be real, which is a beginning of something that maybe I'll revisit someday (it's a trope mashup prompt!) honestly just made me snort out loud when I wrote it:

“I really should have worked harder to become an animagus,” he muses, sploshing after Draco. “I could have been a bird. Just fucking fly away at the first sign of trouble. Though,” and here his voice tightens in spite of his attempt to sound casual, “That’s really more your thing, isn’t it, Draco.”

“Fuck off,” Draco says irritably, and tripping over another root, disappears under the surface of the water.

Harry sighs deeply and mutters, “Such a fucking drama queen,” even as he forces his way over to where the water is roiling a bit, reaches down and hauls Draco to his feet.

Draco looks mutinous and pulls a vine from behind his ear. They continue on in silence.

Unique Writing Asks

[ashes-and-ashes]

Prompt: 55 -'I'm not jealous' + Wolfstar = 💜💜 P.S I really love your works 💖

Hey! So, after finishing That Fateful Night, I decided to do a story revolving around The Prank. This is sort of a practice, beta-test for an idea I have for the story, so I hope you like it!!

tw for depressing and sucidical thoughts

~

Hatred

He hated Sirius.

Hated him, with every inch, every fiber, every strand of his body.

He hated every lock of hair that escaped his tangled bun, those familiar grey eyes, the haughty face.

Yes, Remus hated Sirius. And for a damn good reason too.

He can barely remember that night, the night everything changed. He remembered that the transformation had been relatively easy, relatively painless. He can remember the last conscious thought that passed through his mind: Tonight may not be so bad after all.

Then he woke up, James’ blood covering his body, Sirius’ face pale above his as he pleaded for Remus to listen. Snape found out. I...told him.

And that was when Remus stopped caring. Started hating. 2 months later and the pain still hadn’t stopped.

He loathed himself, sometimes, after he saw the effects of what his hatred did to Sirius. He was withering away, a silent shell of what he once was, sunken cheeks and chapped skin and hollow eyes. There were new scars on his body, though he hadn’t returned home after he ran away, blood in his knuckles and on his lips, bruised ribs and necks and cheekbones. He was so quiet now, so silent, always slipping out of the room whenever James or Peter or Remus entered, not returning to his bed until long after the sun set.

Peter had asked him, 3 weeks after the Prank, when Remus was at his lowest point. Did he matter? That much, to you?

Remus had shrugged, tying to hide the misery he felt. I don’t know. We knew it couldn’t last forever. But... I loved him. I thought he did too. It was something, and then it was nothing and now... now I don’t know.

It was funny, the way the dynamics had shifted, had decayed. Sirius was a part of them, of all of them, and his absence felt like a hole, ripping through Remus. It was hard, sometimes, to ignore what they used to be, those old habits that they had grown up with.

He’s woken up too many times to stifled sobs, knows that if he pulled back the curtains, Sirius would be there, biting his lip to keep back the screams. The nightmares never ended, though Remus never came to comfort Sirius now. Neither did Sirius, when the panic attacks came, when all James and Peter could do was awkwardly pat Remus’ back and hope he didn’t choke. It had gone both ways, the desperation, opened up new wounds.

But at the same time, he knows Sirius, knows what he’s capable of. Knows that Sirius has always had his traumas, and that he was more then capable of ending it all one day. And though Remus hated Sirius, but he didn’t want him dead.

So, he takes James’ cloak, follows Sirius out on those days he slipped off silently before dawn. He watches him, wandering aimlessly around the school, up to the astronomy towers and down to the lakes, an echoing, hopeless journey. He would trail him, silently, making sure that Sirius didn’t decide to throw himself off the tower or drown himself.

It’s one of those days, evening, when he catches Sirius slipping out of the common room. Normally, he would have ignored it, would have let him go wherever he wanted to, but there’s a look in Sirius’ eyes that makes Remus pause. It’s empty, fragile and broken, like shattered glass on a concrete floor and Remus is following him out the door almost instantly. Sirius is walking, in some large circle, passing windows and archways until finally, he arrives outside.

There’s a small corner there, a junction between two stone walls, and Sirius slumps down against it as Remus frantically finds somewhere to hide. He perches on some rock, out of sight in case someone brushed past him and watches Sirius.

He looks awful. His hair was limp, hanging around his face in a tangled mess. His lips were scabbed, bleeding slightly where he bit them and he was so thin now, thin enough that his collarbone stood out against the rest of his chest. A piece of rock, battered by the wind and water and sand, smoothing down the hard edges until there was only a small piece of curved stone. There was a frail look to him, like he could shatter any moment, and Remus’ heart aches.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there for. The night is warm, the wind cool on his face, and he lets himself lean against the pillar behind his back, stretching his legs out. It feels strange doing this, without Sirius’ comforting weight at his side, an absence like a missing limb. It’s almost painful, not having anyone to lean on, and Remus closes his eyes.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep when he hears the footsteps.

Light and casual, almost mocking, and Sirius’ eyes snap open as Snape rounds the corner. There’s a smirk on his face, arrogant and smug, and Sirius bares his teeth. “Fuck off.”

Snape shrugs. “Careful, Black. I clearly have the advantage here.”

Sirius glares at him. “What the fuck do you mean?”

“Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean.” Snape picks at his nails, his face a mask of calm. “One little slip and I could let your boyfriend’s little...secret out to all my friends.”

Sirius grits his teeth. “He’s not my boyfriend anymore. You saw to that.”

Snape laughs, mockingly. “Oh, well. If you tell anyone exactly how I saw to that...well. I suppose your ex’s little secret comes out then.”

“Fuck. Off.”

Snape just chuckles, leaning against the wall. “Language. Seeing as you basically have to do what I say for the next little bit.”

Sirius flips him off, seething as Snape smirks. “I wonder how your little friends would react,” he muses, “seeing as their closest friend is a filthy half-breed.”

Sirius flinches. “God, Snape. You’re just doing this because of Lily?”

For the first time, Snape flushes, his face turning an ugly crimson. “I never said that.”

There’s that little bit of the old Sirius coming back, the arrogance and the righteousness, the Sirius that Remus fell in love with so long ago. He leans against the wall, the cockiness filling his voice as he smirks. “You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face. You’re risking destroying someone else’s life, risking revealing his inner secrets to everyone just because you want to get Lily to go out with you?”

“Shut up!” Snape hisses, and Sirius throws back his head and laughs. “Well, regardless. She gave up on you a long time ago, Snivellus. James is....was one of my best mates - I heard her talk about you. Absolutely loathed your skinny guys for what you called her, what you did to others like her. And I don’t think she’s going to give a damn about Remus, not when there are shitballs like you around.”

Remus recognizes what Sirius is doing. He’s takin all of his hurt, those ugly, broken bits inside of him, projecting them outwards in an attempt to hurt Snape. It’s working - Snape growls, staking towards Sirius, who holds his ground. “Filthy half-breeds! Lily deserves to be associated with higher class members of society rather then some poor, Half-animal -“

“You’re just jealous.” Sirius’ voice is merciless. “Jealous, because she will never love you, because she is happy with James. And it kills you, because you are obsessed with her, you want to possess her because no one else can have her and - “

“I’m not jealous.” Snape spits the words out. “And besides, what do you know? Your boyfriend is a freak - you two belong together, deserve each other, the traitorous queer and the goddamn werewolf - “

“You’re wrong.” Sirius sounds defeated, the heartbreak in his voice so raw that Remus’ heart clenched. “I don’t deserve Remus. He’s...” Sirius shakes his head. “He deserves someone else. Someone better. Someone who’s a little less broken, a little stronger. Someone who doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night because their back aches from Crucio.” He lets out a merciless laugh. “So, you’re wrong. We don’t deserve each other. I don’t deserve Remus. He deserves a lot more then me.” He glances up, glaring into Snape’s eyes. “But I was trying. I tried, so damn hard, to be that person that Remus needed. And you took that way from me.” He spits on the ground in front of Snape. “So go. Keep lusting after Lily. She will never love you.”

Snape backs away, his face crimson. “You’re wrong. She will.”

Sirius just shrugs. “Don’t count on it, Snivellus.”

Remus follows him back, towards the dorms, his head spinning rapidly. A phrase keeps echoing in his mind, picked out from the rest of that conversation. “He’s not my boyfriend anymore. You saw to that.”

You saw to that. The words spin around in his head, an endless noise. You saw to that.

Remus just grits his teeth, racing up the stairs to the dormitory, shucking the cloak off and dumping it into James’ trunk. It could have been nothing. It could have been a misunderstanding.

But that night, when Remus heard the sobs, he didn’t turn away. He stood up, pulling his pajamas tighter around him and opened the curtains to Sirius’ bed.

[depressed-sock]

Reveal AU Part 11

A Fallen Hero Fanfic

This series will have spoilers! And Kiyo has the !!!suicidal scar!!!!

Tw: mentions of self-harm, self-destruction, and these next chapters are going heavily into Kiyo’s depression and suicidal tendencies!!! Kiyo also going to go into panic attacks

Insert Title Here

Kiyo:  It feels like hours before you feel like you can breathe again. Blinking hard to erase the tears that still wish to flow. His arms still wrapped around you, still talking, still telling you things you're too afraid to really hear. You push back, away from him but not out of his arms; one challenge down and more to come.  "Ummm, I.." your voice catches, brain failing to pick up where it needs to continue. He knows the truth and you're still so terrified of telling him more.  "There are other things you should know…"  "Take your time," whispered encouragement as he brings a hand to your face to gently cup it. You lean into it reluctantly seeking what little comfort you can find, fear still overwhelming every nerve even though the worst of it feels over.  "I..um wasn't… uhhh fuck," why does this feel so much harder to admit? If he had reacted badly to you being a Regen than this would be over, you wouldn't have to keep telling him truths. When would he say enough is enough and fully reject you? What truth is the one that will break everything?  You can feel the panic creeping back, the need to run competing with the need for him to finally know. Give you an excuse to live, give you an excuse to die. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," His thumb rubs softly against your cheek, but he wants to know. You can see it in his face as he waits… quietly. You almost wish he'd go back to talking about nonsense. "I'm… I'm... I guess you could say I'm transgender," you bite it out and you ready yourself to recoil away from him, just in case. But no biting remarks, no hint of danger in any way.  "Alright," almost calm acceptance if it hadn't been for the way he looks like gears are churning in his head. "So you're…"  "A guy," you swallow the lump in your throat, "I was..  umm.. this is.. I'm definitely not what they intended to create," you almost feel like laughing but it catches in your throat. You are definitely not something they had expected, in more ways than one.  "I'd say that makes you more human," he smirks but you frown at him.  "Stop it," you pull away from his hands backing up a space, "I'm not human... or at least not identifiable as one yet. That's the whole fucking point of all this." You look down not meeting his eyes, "I'm Heartbreak because I'm trying to get rid of the thing that clearly mark's me as other." Your hand reaching up, tracing the scars on your other arm, carefully avoiding the orange that mars your skin, "There's no way to get rid of them without leaving more scars…"  You can feel your mind asking why you even care, you've already done plenty of damage to yourself. Punishment? Probably not as much as they would want it to be, it's more a way to remind yourself that you can still feel, that no matter what they did to you, you still bleed red.  "Kiyo, what exactly was your plan?" He says it like you're going to give up said plan and find a better one. Chen thinks that too but you honestly don’t see any other options and you're so close to being done. A few more parts, maybe even a few more weeks and you can finally have a freedom you’ve never had before. So you tell him everything he wants to hear. …..

 Your feet pound against the roof, breath catching in your throat as you run to escape them. To escape him. There’s no armor to save you, to protect you from the fear that rushes through your veins. He knows, he knows and he hates you for the truth. You can feel pain running down your arm, the cut across your forehead bleeding into your eye.

 The Rangers are an overwhelming force when you have nothing to protect yourself, no way to find purchase in their minds. You got lucky with Herald knocking him unconscious with a lucky hit but it wasn’t enough. It’ll never be enough. You stand at the edge, looking down, footsteps behind you. You take the only choice you have.

You fall

 A nightmare come true as the wind rushes past you, nothing left to catch you. You hear Ortega’s screams at some point but you can’t bring yourself to care. It’s finally over. No more fighting with yourself, just a wave of peace in knowing that this time it was high enough. That even if you can still breathe around the blood and shattered body that no one can save you now. No one can ever hurt you more than you’ve hurt yourself. No more fear, everything had to come to an end and at least you got to chose this time.

 You close your eyes waiting for the impact, the memory of pain. But when you hit the ground you’re jarred back to reality. Blankets spill around you and your eyes refocus on your surroundings. A dream… just a dream. You can’t help the sob that makes its way out, head hitting the cold wooden floor. There was no hate, there was no attack. Everything is okay.

 It doesn’t feel like it though; he knows everything… almost everything. He knows you’re a regen, he knows you’re transgender... but you may have neglected a few other details. You didn’t tell him what they did to you after they got you back, his entire presence had already wreaked of guilt. You don’t think you could handle him being guilty for something neither of you could have prevented. You sigh when you hear a knock against the door, pushing off the floor to stand unsteadily next to the bed.

 “Kiyo?” Ortega’s muffled voice comes through the door and you wipe a hand down your face, trying to rid yourself of the remaining nightmare. Everything feels like it’s too much, already a low buzz in your head, with every sound and touch sticking to your skin like a gritty film you can’t get rid of.

 “I’m fine,” you say loud enough for him to hear and look around before grabbing a nearby jacket, it slides against your skin causing an invisible pain, too much, but you’d rather suffer it than have to show your tattoos again. You stumble a bit over the blankets but quickly find your balance as you open the door to find Ortega, a smile on his lips but concern in his eyes. It’s been day’s but he’s still afraid to leave your side… they both are. You glare at him and Chen who stands nearby arms crossed as he leans back against the hallway wall. “You guys realize you don’t have to keep constantly checking on me, right?”

 “Sure,” Ortega shrugs, a smirk making its way onto his face.

 “Seriously, you were the one in the hospital-”

 “And you didn’t have to have emergency surgery?” Chen comments, eyes narrowing on you. You glare back, you can’t exactly argue against it. Honestly, your mind has been so numb you’ve barely registered the pain in your stomach. It’s healing faster than expected but still has a ways to go before you can easily just jump out the window and run far away from these two idiots. They made the unanimous decision amongst themselves that you should stay here until you're better, both physically and mentally. Jokes on them, mentally you’re at the best state you can hope to achieve right now.

 “No, I had a planned surgery,” you roll your eyes and push forward past Ortega. Focus back on the present, “I’ve got somewhere to be today.” And nothing is going to stop you from being there, you had this planned for far too long and since the world hasn’t shattered around you, you may as well stick to your plans. You’ll need to stop by your apartment and grab a few things; hopefully being in your home will help everything feel less noisy and let you restabilize yourself.

 You can feel their frowns as they watch your back and follow after you, Ortega being the first to voice his thoughts, “You shouldn’t-”

 “Ortega you can’t keep me here forever,” you sigh and turning around to face him. “I do have a life that doesn’t revolve around being Heartbreak.” Chen snorts in disbelief and you lean around Ortega to glare at him, only to be met with a soft look in his eyes. “Cheater,” you try to glare harder but all it does is bring a small smile to his face. You turn with a huff, leaning down to grab your shoes, slipping them on easily.

 “I was trying to say you shouldn’t go alone,” Ortega sighs, concern finally making its way fully to his face.

 “I’ll be fine… Besides I think you and Chen should talk alone,” you say it casually fighting the smile that’s threatening to break across your face. They both look at you confused until Chen realizes exactly what you're getting at.

 “Kiyo,” he warns but you’ve been stuck with answering their questions for almost three days and it’s definitely someone else's turn. Ortega looks back at him confused, missing the grin that spreads across your face as you look Chen in the eyes.

 “Chen’s had a crush on you for years and he still does,” you turn booking it out of the door, barely hearing Ortega’s exclamation of absolute confusion. You had wanted to have been around for this conversation but you need them preoccupied so you could go out alone. And knowing Ortega, he was bound to make that entire conversation as dramatic as possible. You can't help the laugh that escapes as you rush down the stairs.

[ofhooksandswans]

Chapter 15

I think this is going to be tha last entry here. Thanks for going on this emotional journey with me. If a new chapter ever appears here you'll know that the world is ending and miracles happen.

So, we've been hanging out a lot and talking every day and you know life's been alright. And then yesterday he just casually told me he went on a date with the girl from chapter 7. Yup, the very same one. I was in a bit of a shock so I didn't react and we watched a movie after that, but through all of it I felt so sick I could barely hold my dinner down. He also brought me a cheesecake for dessert and eating it was an honest struggle. I had to go to the toilet to calm myself down cause I could feel that I was starting to have a panic attack. I just felt as if someone actually punched me in the stomach. When the time to leave finally came he suggested walking me home and I agreed bc I was scared of walking in the dark at 1am, but by the end I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told him that knowing he's dating this girl made me feel like i was just a rebound to him and that this thought sickens me. He got really angry at that suggestion and we had a proper argument in the middle of the street. He said one thing and I almost slapped him bc it was a fucking ridiculous lie, to which he later admitted and said that he only said that to piss me off. We parted ways really angry at each other but even then he turned around and asked me to message him when I got home to let him know I was safe. Like ffs, we just said some hurtful things yet you're still fucking worried about my safety. We then continued arguing for a bit over messenger and in the morning he messaged me to apologise for all of it. We had this deep conversation in which he admitted to everything that I assumed he was feeling/thinking but always denied. He said that it made him really angry that I'd think he could have used me because he could never do that to me. He said that he really liked me and he wanted a relationship with me but then as he got to know me better he realised we were kinda the same, both very headstrong and stubborn and based on a past experience he started fearing that if we were to officially become a couple we would be great together for a while and then we'd start arguing and it would fall apart and he was just too scared of the pain that this would inflict on him that he decided to not even give it a chance to happen. He also told me that he was really afraid of pushing me away so he started doing all these confusing stuff and he didn't realise just how much that would hurt me. He apologised for doing that to me and admitted that it must have been horrible for me and confusing af. He said he was sorry and that he now knows he did this shitty thing and messed me about in the process. He said he was sorry that he hurt me. He also said that the fear stopped him from ever considering that it's possible that this would not happen at all and he understands now that he kind of took away from me the chance to see for myself if it would or wouldn't work between us. Mostly he just said he was sorry and that he should have said all of this sooner. Oh yeah and that he really wants to keep me in his life.

When it comes to the girl he claims he only started liking her a few weeks ago cause apparently they've been having deep conversation throughout lockdown 🙄 I'm not sure if I believe that but for my own sake I hope it's true.

So yeah this is the end. Everything has been said and I don't think there's any way we could ever go back to the way we were. I did tell him that he denied both of us a lot of happiness by his cowardly decision. He didn't comment on that.

I don't really know how to go about my life now. Like I finally sort of got the closure that I wanted but also I still feel so hurt and I just can't believe the only person I have ever grown to love so much gave up on us bc he was scared of losing me in the long run. Did D&D write this, cause that's some stupid fucking shit.

Fuck guys, last night I realized that I’m living in a slow burn friends to lovers fanfic and I don’t know how to feel about it