#fuck suzaku step on ME

[ren-rambles-often]

I finally watched Code Geass but before I get to my short rant about the show and the ship you can pretty much guess this is about…. Let me just say….

This show peaked at the pseudo incest brocon subplot, I'm taking no arguments!

Fine, fine, that's definitely not entirely true but Rolo's death had me pausing the show and staring at the screen like for what reason?! Let the boy be hopelessly obsessed goddammit 😭😭😭

Now I've gotten that out of my system…

Guess who's the character I hate most?

shocker I know/sarc

I haven't hated one half of my otp ship in a piece of media this much since that one Episode Nagi panel of Reo's heart getting destroyed by Nagi's dumbass (Reo my love love I'd treat you so much better)

Suzaku's case is worse by several degrees because his idiocy and attitude only continued to stoke the flames of my annoyance for the whole two fucking seasons until like the three or two episodes at the end cause oh my fucking God I cried.

(That shit was a wild ride enough nothing is making me watch any spin offs or side stories I care that little)

From the first moment he entered that Lancelot suit and agreed to help the side that attempted to silence him by murder, I clocked his ass and marked him as the dumbest bitch to ever exist but we love a protective loyal dog Top don't we ladies?

"I want to change the system from the inside-" bitch shut up these are colonizers you ain't changing nothing 😭

Even after they they tried pining the murder on him to sentence him to death AGAIN!! BOY WENT BACK.

AND!

He refused Zero?!

HUH?!?

Now I'm not a particularly patriotic person (I hate my county so so much) but if we got neo colonized, No matter what merits I would never be friendly or cooperative with the other side.

Suzaku stopped his country fighting back (valid reason or not I don't remember, he killed his dad and that meant surrender ig) and proceeded to kiss up to brits, fall in love with one of them, and further hinder every attempt of his own people fighting back because 'Violence wrong' but it's okay when he does it because some made up ideal told him being subservient would make a change. And it did….just for him tho, all other 11s? no one cares.

And it didn't even matter because Lulu's methods were always the ones that brought things closer!

I know it's a kind of a commentary on something, I ain't stupid but I was still pissed.

Literally had me gritting my teeth almost every time he stepped on screen, especially when he went pseudo emo after becoming a knight of round or whatever.

Bottom line, he frustrated me as much as he did Lelouch but I still wanted to see them FUCK.

The last couple of episodes where genuinely the best things I've ever watched and a brilliant end to the series. I wouldn't say I grew to enjoy all the characters but God did the plot threads keep me going.

Trust I understood very little about the gate shit and the killing God aspect but when you're having a fun time everything just looks good.

To sum up SuzaLulu…

Giving me friends to enemies to lovers (correct me not I won't hear you) All mixed together with the palpable hatred and vitriol they held toward each other is just too much.

And Lelouch as a bottom is literally my type >.< psycho, pretty, and bad at sports (also having a natural inclination to dominate others)??? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!!!

His dramatic ass had me gripped and his personality contrasted so beautifully with Suzaku's dumbass that while I did want to be sad about that redhead he might have liked dying….girl bye 👋 make way for the gay 🏳️‍🌈

(Srsly tho, I was sad for a sec, it was a very shocking scene to say the least but Rolo pulled such a Brocon move I was laughing for a solid minute.)

I very much didn't want to be like most other yaoi shippers that watched this shit when they were ten and went for the very obvious but still delicious low hanging fruit yaoi but I see enemies to lovers mixed with tragic yaoi and an undeniably fun story and brain stops functioning lmaooo. Turns out I'm very much like other fujins ;p

Closing thoughts: Umm…If you're going to defend Suzaku in the replies…go for it I'm down to listen but he'll forever be my bitch. I love Lelouch but Light is better, Orange x Lelouch is underratedand C.C. and Kallen should have gotten married.

[teablogreal]

Code Geass: Roze of the Recapture Episode 1 thoughts

Okay so like, although I wasn't big on Akito the Exiled or the creative choices made with the compilation films, I was actually really looking forwards to this one. Unlike most people, I genuinely don't mind them doing more with Code Geass. Like we have the og anime just there, its out and people can watch it (except they cant because r2 is jailed on crunchyroll auughhhhh). They even made it clear that the new Code Geass stuff from Akito onwards are in their own continuity. Genuinely I don't mind them just expanding more on their already established concepts, though I do have a preference for when they do newer things with them. So like, yeah. Roze of the Recapture is my favorite thing to come from this series in a good while.

So for those who don't know, Roze of the Recapture is a sequel not to the original series, but instead the compilation films that recapped the original series with minor changes to the events that took place in there. It also follows up on the corresponding movie that conveyed what happened afterwards, but basically all you need to know is that after Resurrection, we have a 5 year timeskip. There is a new cast of characters who so far don't tread over where the original cast stood, however they do pay homage and parallel some of the characters from the original series. Honestly, I think this is the only part that has me worried, as I'd love to see them play around more with new concepts. However I feel like after the end of the first episode, those concerns are pretty much quelled.

Okay so I'm not gonna skirt around the spoilers any further beyond this point.

Okay. I want to talk about that fucking twist??? Because like??????????? I did not fucking see that one coming but its such a fucking great way differentiate your protagonist from just being lelouch again while also playing with parallels. We effectively have somebody who's a figure of importance who is thought to be dead, however lives on to take revenge on Britannia as they have wronged this person. Key difference is that our character kinda strays away from this idea. I know a lot of people here are referring to Roze/Sakuya as our first female protag for a code geass anime and I'm sure thats probably what they're going for. However my brain just sees Sakuya being legally declared dead and then proceeding to taking the identity of not an entirely different girl, but rather this whimsical boy twink named Roze. Idk, kinda transmasc swag but also I absolutely love how we've all been played for fools prior to release. Like all the marketing had led us to believe this was going to be a story about two brothers doing shit but WOW did they have everybody fooled (including me). A shame that the trailers for the later movies kinda spoil this twist but I will fight to keep this a secret as much as possible from my friends until I get them to watch this.

Roze as a whole is a lot of fun as a character, big twist aside. I love how he feels a lot more like a trickster compared to Lelouch. Even though Lelouch had a bit of emphasis on him playing with people (the orange incident comes to mind), Roze steps that up with his geass. I'm so glad that its not just Lelouch's geass again. They do something fun with it, like conceptually after thinking about it for a while its actually crueler than Lelouch's geass. Theoretically Roze could force you into doing something without brainwashing you, you could do those things while being entirely conscious. If you say no? Then whatever you're told to do otherwise happens no matter what. I think thats just insane, it really opens the doors for so many things to be done with it in the same way that we saw Lelouch's geass being used to torment Suzaku.

Anyways I think its really funny how people are realizing this one has Ichiro Okouchi coming back to write for it not through the writing returning to its unsubtle "no shits given" attitude from the original series, but by them having yet another chess game that failed to understand the rules of chess. Its a tradition at this point.

[thequeenofsarcaasm]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.

Whew. This one is going to be DIFFICULT

I’ll try to only name 10 (in no particular order)

If you asked me the same question tomorrow, my answer would be completely different.

C’est parti!

1- Edward Elric: FMAB single-handedly changed my life. I was 14 when I watched it for the first time and I was going through a very dark phase. To see how that boy went from self-hate and despair to someone strong enough to accept and embrace his limitations as a human being was exactly the type of media I needed. I needed to be humbled and FMAB did that for me.

2-Miria from Claymore: She might have been my bisexual awakening tbh (or maybe Olivier Mira Armstrong. I made my friends call me “General” at one point. Also, I covered my eye with my braids lol). Miria is the perfect blend of charisma, authority and kindness. She’s what I want to be.

3-Katniss Everdeen. The Hunger Games changed my life and gave me a better understanding of politics. Something that even my dad (a politician) couldn’t do. I love Katniss because she’s so human. She’s a mess, she’s a trailblazer but she’s just a girl. Her character is brilliant because she’s just a girl. Many authors tried to copy that but failed miserably cause they wouldn’t let their protagonist be just a girl.

4- Killua my son. I have so many things to say about that child but I’ll keep it short. I am moved by the amount of love he has in that little assassin heart but I was ever more moved by his ability to step away from his relationship with Gon and find himself. He inspired me to do the same.

5- Gon cause they’re a unit. Gon is extremely complex. So complex that most dudes don’t understand him. I love complex.

6-Akemi Homura cause she never did anything wrong in her entire life and she’s perfect.

7-Aisha from Winx Club. She’s Black, she’s a princess, she battled to save her people from Valtor’s destructive hands, she fought against her own anxieties and timidity to become a better version of herself, she’s a great dancer, she’s incredible in everything she does, she’s one the most interesting characters of the series thanks to her character development, her ideals, her strengths and vulnerabilities.

8-Geto cause he’s an idiot, a fucking loser, a monk, a fraud, a virgin, a whore, a single dad, a certified dickhead and everything to me. Also Gojo.

9-Makise Kurisu. She’s a girl, she’s a genius, she’s a pervert, she’s in love with a mad scientist (I loooooove the entire Steins gate cast)

10-Suzaku Kururugi. Many people hate him for siding with the colonisers and betraying his bf but to me he’s the most interesting character in the anime. He’s so full of regrets about killing his father that he tries to convince himself that peace really is the answer. It’s giving sunk cost mentality ft reaction formation. Freud would have a field day with him lol

Honorable mentions: Hinata Shouyo,Thorfinn, Ash Lynx, Peeta, Lelouch, Atsushi Nakajima, Satsuki Kiryuin, Simon from GL, Elektra from pose, Will from Hannibal and many others

[blackcatruse]

𝔣𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔞𝔰𝔥𝔢𝔰

«prev. ❃ next» ❃ first chapter ❃ m.list ❃ ao3 pairing: r. haitani/fem!reader  ↳ she/her, fem descriptors, nickname ❃ chapter synopsis: i want answers. what the hell is going on? is the information worth the price? word count: 2.4k chapter cw(s): swearing, possible ooc, mention and slight depiction of suicide a/n: as of the day i'm queuing this up (6.25.24) we have officially caught up to where ashes is on ao3! \-^o^-/ ao3 will still be updated first, and tumblr will hopefully be shortly after.

When you woke, the only thing you remembered dreaming about was your old apartment. Again, it was the day you found your mother’s body, but you weren’t reliving the day. The bathroom was all wrong, too. It was way bigger than the one from your childhood. There was light blue tile on the walls and floor. A shallow layer of water covered the whole floor, with hints of rusty orange that seemed to curl around your foot with each step you took.

At the far end of the room the porcelain tub and your mother’s limp arm dangled over the edge, dripping blood into the water. On her forearm you saw it—that endless knot. Was that what was on her arm when you found her? You remember that there was something, but it was the first you knew of it. You don’t remember your mother having any tattoos. But she always wore long sleeves, even in the sweltering heat of summer.

It was possible that all the information you and Shika had compiled was influencing what you dreamed. The endless knot tattoo was superimposed on your mother’s arm because your brain wanted to make sense of it. Everything was a clusterfuck and you wanted to hibernate until the end of the world.

Unfortunately, you were graced to live another day. You ambled into your living room and saw Shika in the kitchen. You sniffed to make sure nothing was burning. Whatever she was making smelled good, but you had no idea what was in it because you didn’t know what food you had on hand. The rumble of the dryer reminded you that you’d forgotten to move Shika’s clothes from the wash.

“Rise and shine,” Shika said, focusing on whatever was in the skillet.

“What did you find to make?”

“Nothing. Your cabinets are empty.”

“Ah, just like my soul.”

Shika glared at you and you stuck out your tongue. She rolled her eyes before saying, “I ran down to the convenience store and got one of those heat and eat things.”

“A classic,” you said, nodding. You flopped down onto your sofa and noticed the blanket neatly folded on the opposite end. Your coffee table was still littered with your conspiracy theory. There was something legible on the scraps of paper.

“Did you rewrite all my bullshit?” you asked.

“Woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep,” Shika admitted. “We should get a cork board, push pins, and red string. Everything is so fucked about this.”

You snorted, “You’re telling me! Ugh.”

There was a comfortable silence before you remembered something you wanted to gossip about that you didn’t mention last night.

“Did you know Kirin had a wife?” you asked.

Shika dropped the wooden spoon with a clatter. “What?! There’s no fucking way. Wait, you said had.”

You nodded, even though Shika wouldn’t see it. “Yeah, Miko told me that Kirin has a grudge against her because she could save his wife or lover.”

“There’s no way that man was ever married. Maybe an arranged marriage, I guess. Something about gang politics?”

“That would make the most sense,” you agreed. “I’m so confused about everything and the Four Symbols know more than they’re letting on.”

“Without a doubt.” Shika nodded in affirmation.

“I’m going to talk to Suzaku,” you said.

That caught Shika’s attention. She looked at you with wide eyes before her brow crumpled with concern. “After everything that’s gone down,” she started hesitantly.

“I appreciate your concern, truly, but I can’t stay cooped up here and in the dark. If they know something, I want to know it.”

“What will you barter with?” Shika asked. There were unspoken words between you two: Knowledge always came at a price. “Everything you told me involves the secret spy missions you’re going on with the Haitanis.”

Shika had a point, and you hated that she did. “Okay, you got me there. I guess I can try to lie my way through it. If he beats me up, it’ll be nothing new.” You shrugged. “I also heard from Nezumi that my regulars are getting antsy.”

“They are. I did some of his—well, yours, I guess—jobs last week. They’re not happy dealing with new faces, and they want to call bullshit on you being sick.”

“Everything is going to hell,” you concluded after a long, ruminating pause. “They’re gonna have to figure out if I’m worth more than the money they’re gonna lose out on if the deals expire.”

“Suzaku announced at the last division meeting that he was looking for your replacement. They’d take your regular route and form some kind of bond with them.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, Suzaku said something about someone promising to pull more money than you ever did.”

“Big words,” you muttered.

“We all thought so too. Aside from me, Hato, and Nezumi, people were furious that someone who they’ve never met was just going to step into the top spot. They were all clamoring about how they had been doing their jobs longer and they deserved a ‘promotion’.” Shika’s sarcasm combined with the air quotes drew a small laugh out of you. “It’s like they think this is some boring nine-to-five office job.”

“I think it would be good to go visit Suzaku,” you said. “I want answers. And I want to meet my replacement.”

You heard Shika sigh loudly. “Fine,” she said. “But eat breakfast first.”

Every day was a new opportunity to piss Suzaku off. You could see in his head that he was delivering you to hell himself, but you just smiled and waved. “I started getting lonely, you know,” you said. “And stir crazy. I don’t want to stay cooped up anymore.”

Suzaku leaned back in his oversized, cracked leather chair and looked at the ceiling. His lips moved in a quiet countdown then he took a deep breath and sat back up. “They’re Kirin’s direct commands,” he said.

“Does Kirin know you’re on the verge of losing some of the regulars I brought in?”

Suzaku sucked in a sharp breath. “You heard about that?”

“People talk,” you said. “And I have friends now, they tell me everything. Looks like your hands are tied. Who’s my replacement? Am I just going to play prisoner with my debts frozen for an indeterminate amount of time? Seems like a waste.”

“We’re waiting on more information,” Suzaku started carefully. You knew immediately he was talking out of his ass. No more orders had been given and Suzaku was hoping some vague excuse was enough to keep you from asking.

“You’re lying,” you said simply. “There’s been no other orders or information. Did Kirin even tell you the real reason I’m locked up?”

“He didn’t have to tell me,” Suzaku growled through gritted teeth. “We already have an idea of who’s after you. Genbu’s men have been busy lately, gathering intel so we can get you back on the street.”

“Who’s after me?” you asked boldly.

“You wouldn’t gain anything from knowing.” Suzaku’s eyes narrowed. “They’re not someone you’ve heard of.”

“If they’re after me, I deserve to know.”

“You don’t deserve shit!” Suzaku lunged so fast you flinched. His fist slammed down on his sturdy desk and he glared at you. Real, genuine anger burned behind his eyes and it knocked you down a few pegs. You took a subtle step back, but you weren’t leaving without answers.

“Who are they?” you asked again. You decided to push your luck with a white lie. “They’ve all got the same tattoo, the endless knot or whatever? I saw it on one of the guys in the fake deal.”

You watched Suzaku’s resolve falter. You almost thought about revealing what Miko told you, but you weren’t about to endanger her. Suzaku flopped back in his chair. He put his arm over his eyes. You took advantage of his silence and pushed on, “What do they want from me? How do they know about me?”

“Lotus,” Suzaku sounded tired. You would’ve pitied him had he not contributed to the downfall of your youth. “What benefit does that information give you?”

I can pass information on to the Haitanis, you thought. Out loud you said, “If they’re going to be a persistent problem, then I deserve to know before I get back out there. It’s been a while and I’m still being held hostage in my own apartment. You haven’t found out shit. You know I’m good about snooping around. I could—”

“Nobody else will be familiar with them,” Suzaku cut you off. “As far as anyone knows, they’re ghosts that haunt Kirin. Stray members who off themselves after they’ve said their piece.”

“They were trying to break me with Hifumi’s and Kichiro’s deaths. There was no reason to kill them. They communicated through a third party and would know nothing about the true culprits,” you pointed out. “I’m good at what I do, but I’m not that well known.”

“The boys were an unfortunate loss,” Suzaku said, almost sounding like he was sorry. “They got tangled up into something bigger than them, and it caught up. Don’t take it personally.”

“I don’t want Shika, Nezumi, or definitely-Hato harmed because of their involvement with me,” you said. “They’re your other top runners, so you can’t risk them as well.”

The four of you were at the top for a reason. You weren’t afraid to get your hands dirty. You did what was necessary to pull in money. Others in the division may covet your positions, but they didn’t have the wits, determination, or guts to be at the top. They wouldn’t be able to adapt as quickly as you four. Suzaku was already down to three of his top four, and his number one was in isolation. Wuxing was going to take a hit they couldn’t afford, literally and figuratively, if things kept up like this. You had to play this in your favor. How could you spin it so this information is going to help you? You could make a bargain. You were pretty good at that.

“Rumor has it you’ve found a replacement for me,” you said. Suzaku’s eyes narrowed, but you ignored him and went on, “I will personally train them and then stay cooped up as long as you need me to. Just tell me who’s after me and why, or at least, why you think they’re after me. They know about my family, and that’s not common knowledge.”

At least Suzaku had the decency to look torn about making a decision. “He has been running with Nezumi,” he started, keeping the name of your replacement to himself.

“But my regulars don’t like Nezumi. They made a deal with me, so they want to do business with me. If I personally endorse this newcomer, they’ll be more accepting. I pass the baton to the new guy and retire until further notice, and you tell me what the fuck you know.”

“Allow me to make a call,” Suzaku said, standing up and swiping his burner off his desk. He strode past you and out the heavy door, which slammed behind him.

The door cracked open and you saw Shika looking around the corner. You had asked her to stay outside because it made you feel better. She was also going to be back up if you and Suzaku got into one of your regular screaming matches. You were overdue for one.

“He looks like you’ve got him cornered,” Shika said. “Shit must be real bad if he’s actually considering your bargain.”

“Shika, please,” you whined. “I know how he ticks and what cards to play. I can gamble with confidence against the boss.”

“And how many black eyes did that give you?”

“Well, I’ve only got two eyes so—”

Your banter was cut off when you heard Suzaku greet Shika. She simply dipped her head respectfully and moved out of sight. Suzaku walked into his office and behind his desk. He pulled open a few drawers and tossed an envelope on the desk. He then took a cigarette and a lighter from another drawer. He lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply, before exhaling a cloud of smoke that made you cough.

“Take a seat,” he said, not looking at you. His hand gestured vaguely to the two straight-backed chairs in front of his desk. “I got clearance from Kirin to tell you very limited details. On top of your bargain, he wants you to add ten percent more to your debt.”

“Only ten percent?” That was news to you. You figured it’d be a higher percentage. You weren’t sure what you owed them anyway and it didn’t matter that much if you took on more. It would maybe cause problems when Kakucho tried to batter your freedom, but you doubted Wuxing would let you go so easily. Still, you had to hope or you’d find yourself splattered on the pavement.

With all the shit going on, the negotiation for your freedom would be pointless. But, if you passed along your duties and restored your business relationships, they wouldn’t really have a need for you. You figured they’d either shoot you in the head or let you walk free. If you had no gang affiliation, you wouldn’t be able to make new deals. It wasn’t like you were having any luck with them now.

Ten percent of your current, unknown but likely insurmountable, debt was a paltry sum to pay for information. Maybe Rokuhara could help you find some things out. They could help you put pieces together, but not without a price. What did you have to offer them? Maybe you should instead offer to work for Rokuhara instead of going for absolute freedom. It wasn’t easy to escape this life. And you’d take Kakucho over Suzaku any day. At the very least, you’d be free of Wuxing’s clutches. Nezumi and definitely-Hato were going to be released from their contracts soon, and Shika could leave any time she wanted as long as she tied up any loose ends. If you got out, you wanted to make sure they got out unscathed too.

“Fine,” you agreed. “What’s another drop in the bucket, eh?” You took a seat in the uncomfortable chair to your right and lazily crossed your legs. “So what can you tell me?”

Please do not reupload, translate, or steal my work! If it isn't here or on my ao3, it's not me! Likes & reblogs appreciated! <3 Dividers courtesy of @/cafekitsune & @/firefly-graphics

[virulentharlot]

"Then don't trust me. You shouldn't trust me at all, Lelouch. The fact I'm here in the first place and buying you to fuck you into the mattress each time should tell you I'm just as depraved as your other clients." Suzaku had let out a sigh. He was lying because his true reason to coming here was to see Lelouch. Seeing his face after being separated shifted something in him. Now he was dangerously dependent on Lelouch. Or he saw him as something more than a dear friend that was a great lay. He cared for him more than he wanted to admit. "I broke your rule and I'm sorry. But I am not sorry about how I feel. I'm probably becoming too dependent on you and need to step away."

That wasn't something he wanted to hear. A turn and his back was to Suzaku. He could pretend he didn't hear that, right? He could continue pretending he didn't feel the way he did.

But it was getting harder and harder every time he saw his face.

Every time he was in his bed.

"S--Stop talking! Just stop. You didn't need to tell me all of that, I didn't need to hear it...!"

[way-to-the-future]

#20: Rin - Petrichor

(cw: sexual content)

Do you want to know the best part? We thought we actually won.

               I don’t pretend to be a strategist. I was never working at the highest level. But when they called me back from the border that first time, told me to pack up because we’d beat the skeleton crew of tin suits back, I was more than ready to believe it. We all were. Whether Lord Kaien was a puppet or a true father of the resistance – and you’ll hear either side, depending on which tavern you sit in at which time of day – that day, we were all ready to sing his praises down the bombed-out streets. For the first time in most of our lives (and you have to remember, here, just how many fathers and mothers died in that first invasion), we had achieved something. We’d achieved not a boot in the face, a lash or a harsh word, but something real, precious, almost tangible for all the reality that it was a fleeting dream. More, it was the biggest fucking thing any of us could imagine. And what did we do?

               We partied. We, who couldn’t rub two grains of barley together if you rounded up all of our cousins along with us, we got loud and stupid and drunk on all the watered-down wine we could dig out of collapsed cellars. I was hungrier than a street dog when I wandered into the camp-turned-festival, and the first thing I did was pound so much grain liquor I thought my heart would stop then and there. Maybe, a little bit, I wanted it to. Maybe spending moons in the dark, on my own, and coming back to the crashing of cymbals and steel-plated heads shoved on pikes wasn’t the welcome I needed. But fuck me if I was going to kill the mood.

               Discipline bleeds away with the memory of the conflict. It’s catharsis, garish and uninhibited, and not one of us willing to be the one to step back in line. People wrestle wearing the guards and visors of the last centurions to get trapped in the garrison. Shooting contests spring up, all for using up all the ammo the three-eyes had left behind. Idiots. I have to stop looking at it – all of it. Not because I can’t take it; don’t you fucking think for a second that I don’t want to join in the pissing contest.

               I know it’s not over. I didn’t do my part.

               I find the courage, at least, to face the proxy. It’s close enough to the rainy season that some insightful souls have stretched lengths of silk and canvas between the shells of the ruined houses that host our celebration, and the one right above me is a brilliant forest green, embroidered in red-gold thread with the image of fucking Suzaku, of all things. I try to keep my eye on her, on my southern goddess, and show her I’m still ready to fight. I’ve got passion, spirit, fury enough to meet the next threat. I’m not tapped out. Instead, this lady keeps putting her tits in my face, blocking my view.

               More’s the fool me for trying to manage some sacred communion while her boyfriend is pulling me apart ilm by agonizing, maddened ilm. I don’t have the grace to ask myself if the Four Lords want to see me getting fucked, here on the shattered tile floor of some hovel which very likely serves as someone’s tomb. I’m done with it; really, truly done, and this I demand of myself when she dips forward and the ride gets another few degrees too severe, another step closer to the beating I deserve for spending the fight for freedom tucked in a blind in my other motherland. Here’s my fucking battle fury, oh Lords: here’s what your son can do when you put him to the test for his people. I can take it as hard as my brothers in arms like to give it to me, go as long as my sisters want. Hero of the liberation that I am, catching this punishing fuck while my comrades have at least the grace to be on their knees and not on their backs.

               I’ve got a great view, at least, to see the storm begin. The cloth shelters our heads, kami forfend, but I watch the whole while as Suzaku sags under the weight of the rain damping her tapestry. I’d laugh if I could catch my breath for a single fucking second. Good mother that she is, the Queen of the South shelters me all through it, even while she and her disappointment stare me in the eye.

               Needless to say, I don’t stick around for the celebrations the second time around.

[burnsopale]

So back in August I ensconced myself in a cabin on a mountain to do some writing, and I decided to do a take on the classic “Volkov returns from prison”-scenario.

I got five chapters and 35 000 words in and I will never ever finish it because I have no dicipline. So I figured I could at least share some of the readable bits with you.

Working title: Ashen Characters in this clip: BBA, Russian boys, PPB, mention of the Euro-team Setting: 7 years after season one, Russia, a beyblade park in the evening Summary: Volkov has escaped from prison, attacked PPB headquarters and taken back Black Dranzer. The Russian boys have been living with the PPB, and were used and hurt in the attack. Yuriy left with Volkov for unknown reasons. Daitenji Kogoro has gathered the troops and sent them to Russia to find out what Volkov is up to. Meanwhile, Kai’s grandfather is on his deathbed, and Kai is struggling to deal with it.

The crowd swelled, until there was no way that Takao was going to get any kind of private conversation with his friends. He gave up on the notion for the present, and threw himself into matches. He played the kids who wanted to, holding back as much as he could and leaving Seiryuu simmering in the blade, but eventually they called for a match between Takao and Kai.

Takao loved blading against Kai; somehow, he could never do less than his best against Dranzer, but when Kai now took his place on the other side of the small, grounded dish, something felt off to Takao. Kai looked dull, like he was going to the dentist and just had to get it over with. He fitted Dranzer into the shooter with a look like he was miles away.

“Hey,” Takao said, having to raise his voice a little to get past the crowd. “Are you there?”

 Kai looked up, a little surprised. “What sort of trash talk is that? Are you there?”

 “Just checking. I’ll be in your care.”

 “You’ll be under my heel,” Kai said darkly, and now Takao knew something was wrong, but a beybattle had always been Takao’s way to get through to people, so he just bent his knees and raised Dragoon in front of him.

 “Tri, dva, odin! Idi strelyay!”

 Out of the corner of his eye, Takao saw Emily startle, but he’d have to wonder about that some other time because Seiryuu would not be contained any longer and came out roaring.

Dranzer took Dragoon’s attack head on. Seiryuu bent over it like he was confused as to why Suzaku wasn’t joining him. For the longest moment, Kai just stood there, while Takao watched in disbelief.

 Then, as if he was lifting a great weight, Kai breathed in and cried, “Suzaku!”

 Even the vermillion bird herself didn’t so much soar out of the bit chip as climb laboriously out. Seiryuu hissed, offended by this poor showing, and the battle was over in less than a minute.

 Kai picked up Dranzer and went to stand next to Boris and Kyouju without even commenting on the results. The audience was, thankfully, satisfied, but Takao was not.

 He played Eddie and got a much better match out of him; Trypio was one of those tricky blades that you needed strategy and forward thinking to beat.

 Afterwards he got a chance to say two words to Emily about Kai.

 “He is going through a tough time,” she said.

 “Yeah, but he doesn’t usually let it hurt his blading.”

 “He can’t still be grumpy about the finals?” she wondered.

 Takao shook his head. “Nah, he agreed Ralf deserved that one.”

 Emily nodded, biting her lip in pleasure as she thought back. “Ralf was incredible. It was a team win, but he had the best individual result. The data output was like a laden buffet table.”

 “Ooh, buffet! ... Did he lose at all?” Takao didn’t think he had, but he hadn’t been able to catch every battle.

 “Hmm. Rai came close; lightning is good against such massive holy beasts, and it was close for Kai too of course, but no one can quite top the sheer mastery Ralf has over Griffolyon.”

 “It’s not mastery; it’s teamwork,” Takao insisted, frowning.

 “Call it synergy, then,” she said, shrugging. “Ralf knows his business, that’s all I’m saying. They all do, those European bladers.” She chuckled. “You know, Ivan calls them Earthquaker, Wingshaker and Heartbreaker, from back before he learned their names.”

 Takao matched the nicknames to their right bladers in his head. “... What does he call Johnny?”

 “The hedgehog.”

 “What about you?” he asked, nodding to the dish where Max was getting ready to battle Steve. “Are you going to play?”

 She shook her head, a look of pain crossing her sharp features. “Trygator is ... missing. He was taken in the attack. Volkov has it.”

 For a moment, Takao found nothing to say. Inside he was boiling. “We’ll get him back, Emily,” he vowed, clenching his fist. “I swear it.”

 She smiled a dangerous smile, not unlike a crocodile’s. “Yes, we will.”

 Eventually the group detangled themselves from the crowd and began to journey home. The world was growing dark, but the sky was still pale above. Long stretched of road lay without light, which came in handy when they had to escape from a few fans who apparently wanted to know where they were staying.

 They stopped on the lawn outside the hotel where Emily and company were staying, and Takao finally got to ask his question.

 “What happened?”

 The others looked at each other, except Boris who looked down, and Kai, who now said a brief goodnight, reminded them where to meet in the morning, and walked away. Max made a soft sound, but didn’t try to stop him. Kyouju seemed torn between not wanting to pry and dying to know.

 Emily made it easier by briefly telling them of her encounter with Peter Trotty. “Turns out his real name is Trotsky. He’s one of three Borg spies that have been undercover in the PPB for years. Or rather, one of the three we’ve found so far.”

 “What did he mean by that thing he said? Baba who?”

 The Russian boys shifted their feet. Sergei’s lips pulled back from his teeth in a silent snarl.

 Kyouju could, as usual, not help doing a bit of teaching. “Baba Yaga is the name of a witch in Russian fairy tales. She is an old woman who rides through the woods on a mortar, and lives in a house that stands on four chicken legs.”

 “Chicken legs?” Max echoed doubtfully.

 “She is sometimes an enemy, but can also help the hero or heroine, if they do the tasks she sets them.”

 “In this case,” Sergei said, “she is a real woman. She was in the abbey. She trained us, Ivan and me, and sometimes Yuriy.”

 “Don’t ask about her,” Ivan said, putting his hands over his ears. “I hear the creaking in my head all the time. I thought I was rid of it. I thought it was over!”

 “She is dead,” Sergei said with conviction. It sounded like something he needed to believe. “She was old when I came to the abbey; she must be dead. But they had her voice on a tape recorder and ... it’s hard to disobey.”

 “Fuck her!” Ivan exclaimed, and then grew suddenly pale as if he had said something dangerous. “No more,” he said, more lowly. “She’s a fairy tale now. Only fit for scaring children.”

 For a while they stood in silence, and then Kyouju asked the other question, the one that had been hanging over them all day. “Why did Yuriy go?”

 “Because he’s an idiot!” Boris said, holding up clawed hands like he would like to wrap them around Yuriy’s throat. He turned away and roared behind his teeth up at the darkening sky. “He’s a stupid mudak! Fuck!” He kicked a turf of grass so dirt sprayed up. “Fuck, fuck fuck!”

 They watched him stomp repeatedly on the uprooted bit of turf, and then move on to a flower that was unlucky enough to stand nearby.

 “What Borya said,” Sergei agreed.

 “But we’re to blame too,” Eddie added, pulling his jeans jacket around himself like he was cold. “We thought we were doing a good job making them feel at home.”

 “We thought Michael was taking care of Yuriy,” Steve said, stern with himself. “But Michael and Yuriy are nothing alike. It didn’t work out.”

 “And we didn’t notice,” Eddie finished.

 “Don’t talk like that,” Ivan hissed. “Like we were your homework!”

 “But you were,” Emily said in her factual, merciless way. “At first. Then you became our friends. Now you are ours, whether you like it or not. You won’t rest until Yuriy is liberated, but neither will we. He’s coming back home with us.”

 “We’re with you too,” Max said quickly.

 Takao and Kyouju nodded determinedly.

 “The first step is to figure out where Volkov is and what he is planning,” Kyouju said.

 “And that means getting to bed, so we are ready for tomorrow,” Emily added. “Come on, boys. I promised Judy I’d tuck you all in by ... well not this hour, but she doesn’t need to know that.”

 Takao, Max and Kyouju watched them go, Sergei grabbing Boris by the lapel and pulling him away from the flowers he was chewing up. Then they turned and headed for their own hotel and their beds.

 “What do you think we’ll find tomorrow?” Max wondered.

 “We’re going back to the abbey,” Takao answered. “We could find anything.” A feeling of foreboding was growing in his stomach.

 Takao surprised everyone by being the first to get up that morning. He was too keyed up to sleep any longer. He was digging into his second round of breakfast when the others arrived, but politely stuck around to keep them company until they too were finished. It gave him time for round three anyway.

 “You’d think I don’t feed you,” Dad said as he brought his plate to the table.

 “You’d think Grandpa doesn’t feed you,” Takao retorted, looking at the mountain of food on his dad’s plate.

 Kyouju sipped his tea, two slices of toast with honey lying neatly on a plate in front of him. “Like father like son, I suppose.”

 “They snore like father and son too,” Max said, yawning as he took a seat between Kyouju and Kai.

 Kai smiled. He had his own room.

 Their friends arrived from the other hotel a little before ten o’clock, and at ten precisely, two large black cars came to a halt in front of the hotel doors. A huge man stepped out of the first car. He had bushy moustaches and bushy eyebrows, and a great big belly, and he wore shorts, sneakers and a yellow Hawaii shirt that looked deeply out of place in the middle of the city. He shook hands with Takao’s dad, and with Kai and Emily.

 “Hello hello, everywan,” he said, sounding exactly as jolly as you’d expect, like a big Russian santa. “My name is Gregor Gregorovitsj. You can call me Gregor. I will be your guide today. I understand that some of you will be coming with me to look at the papers and other inventory that we cleared out of the abbey, while some others of you,” He looked to Takao’s dad. “Want to go see the abbey for yourself.”

 He looked at them expectantly. Then his eyes alighted on Sergei, and travelled to Boris, and down to Ivan.

 “Oh.” He said. He scratched his head. “... They didn’t tell me why you wanted to go there. Why would you want to?”

 “You haven’t heard about Vladimir Volkov escaping from prison?” Emily asked.

 Gregor looked surprised, and then a little embarrassed. “To be honest, nobody tells me anything. I am only archivist, but I speak English, so they sent me. I have never been guide before.” He frowned. “But if that man has escaped ... hmm ... that explains some things. I may not be told anything, but I do hear things.” He frowned a little more. Kai cleared his throat, startling him out of his thoughts. “But we should get going! Okay, those who want to go to abbey go in the first car; the driver knows way, and someone will meet you there to show you around. Everyone else, in second car with me.”

 “Who is going where?” Takao wondered. “I’m coming with you, Dad.”

 “As am I,” Kai said.

 “And me.” Boris took a step away from his own group towards theirs. “You won’t find anything without one of us going with you.”

 Kai turned to him. “Then it should be Ivan or Sergei.”

 “No,” Boris said simply. “It will be me.”

 Emily pushed her glasses up and surveyed her troops. “Sergei is taking point on the textual evidence, and Steve and I read enough Russian to aid him. Daitenji Kogoro mentioned a warehouse with inventory, so Eddie and Ivan are going there.”

 Kai rolled his eyes in disgust. “And how do we know you won’t have another episode?” he asked Boris bluntly. “You think going back to that place won’t trigger any memories?”

 Boris lifted his head stubbornly. “There will not be an episode. I am going.”

 “You are not safe,” Kai growled.

 “Stop it!” Takao placed himself between them, facing Kai. “If Boris says he will be fine, then he will be.”

 “Why?” Kai sneered. “Because you believe in him?”

 “Because I trust him,” Takao answered.

 Dad put a hand on Kai’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Kai; we’ll be together the whole time. If anything should happen, we can handle it, but I think Boris knows best if he will be alright or not.”

 Kai shrugged off the hand. “I agree,” he spat. “I just also think he would lie about it.”

 Emily, Eddie and Steve were looking on in confusion and shock, while Ivan and Sergei’s faces were growing dark.

 Boris said something in Russian that was clearly an offer to throw hands, and Kai turned back to him like he absolutely meant to take that offer and go through Takao if he had to, until Max suddenly stepped in front of Kai and drove him backwards.

 “That’s enough, Kai!”

 Takao exhaled in relief as he saw Kai’s attention snap to Max with the irresistible awareness that Max always commanded of him.

 “This isn’t about Boris,” Max said, putting his hands on his hips and leaning forward like he was at work and lecturing one of his kindergardeners. “It’s about you. If you don’t want to go to the abbey, then you don’t have to! But don’t take it out on Boris!”

 Kai’s face got all red and pinched.

 Max straightened up and exhaled. “Kai.” He shook his head. “I’ll come too, and like Kinomiya-san says, we’ll go together, and if you’re scared I can hold your hand and then it will be fine-”

 “Just get in the car,” Kai said in a strangled voice and immediately followed his own advice.

 “Guess I’m coming with you,” Max said, nodding to himself like he thought he had done a good job, and Takao thought so too.

 Max had a way of diffusing – or confusing – Kai that sometimes came in handy.

 Takao just wished they could get to the heart of the problem. This was not about the abbey, he didn’t think so, though it was about going together, and about being lonely even when you were surrounded by friends.

 “Well,” Gregor said, swinging his hands back and forth by his sides. “That was awkward. Would you like to go now?”

 Kyouju decided to go with Ivan and Eddie to the warehouse, and so the teams were agreed upon.

 Takao didn’t know what Daitenji-san wanted them to find in that black stone labyrinth, but as they left the city centre and began to near the desolate edges where Volkov had picked up so many of Moscow’s orphaned and abandoned boys, his feeling of foreboding grew stronger. Something was waiting for them. Something they were not prepared for.

[cynthiaandsamus]

Custom Toonami Block Week 70 Rundown

Code Geass: So Lelouch is gonna go join Nunally’s ‘let’s all hold hands and get along’ area but literally no one wants to go after Euphy murdered everyone last time. You’d think there’d be at least one dumbass like “Maybe it won’t be a massacre.” But yeah Zero’s like “Oh well I just happen to have a million people I can give to the zone if you exile me and let me go scott free” and everyone’s like “that’s a super shitty thing to do but okay” so then Zero tells Suzaku that culture is stored in the titty and all the one million people do their I am Spartacus thing and wear Zero’s costume which had to be a logistical nightmare, like Zero’s outfit already is pretty expensive with the fancy clothes and the helmet and shit and some of them are randomly customized even though that defeats the purpose like how do you do this on a terrorist budget in a few days without anyone in the government finding out. Like “we received an order for a million pounds of the thing used in Zero’s helmet on the black market” seems like it’d stand out. But yeah, the million Zeros get away, partially because of the “dogs playing basketball” rule that they’re all Zero because their culture of being Zero is stored in their titty which wouldn’t hold up in court but also because if they just kill a million people who’re just trying to leave that’d be bad for the government, not that they’re not used to genocide and being hated as Imperialists but Suzaku specifically doesn’t want that on his and Nunally’s hands while they’re trying to actually do shit for Japan for once. Feel like there’s probably a good cause for peaceful detainment and not letting them just walk out but it’s not like they’d find Lelouch or whoever the supposed second Zero was anyway even if they strip-searched everyone since he was never there and if it isn’t Lelouch the only thing that makes him Zero sight-wise is the mask.

Inuyasha: So yeah we get the conclusion of Shiori’s story for Inuyasha and I just can’t help thinking about how nice it is that she went on to help a lot of other half-demons in Yashahime because of an act of kindness that Inuyasha showed her right here, really good ripple effect shit. But yeah Shiori gets pissed that her grandpa killed her dad and Kekkaishi YEETs him and his followers out of the barrier so Inuyasha can backlash wave the lot of them. We still got fifteen minutes left though so even after Inuyasha says he’s not going to murder a little girl for a powerup that’ll get power crept in a few seasons, Shiori offers him the blood coral crystal to break to give him the powerup instead as thanks for not fucking murdering her. We can’t have the climax of the episode just be Inuyasha smacking a crystal ball though so Taigokumaru’s spirit yeets itself out of the crystal and fights with Inuyasha and attacks Shiori but her dad makes a barrier to bounce him off of so Inuyasha can kill him a second time and get the Red Tessaiga. There’s some navelgazing about how life as a half demon is rough but how Inuyasha thinks that hardship will be good for Shiori and he’s rooting for her in his own way and in Yashahime we see he’s right and all in all that’s pretty nice. Anyway next time we have the Panther Demon filler arc which is honestly probably one of my favorite filler arcs in Inuyasha so that’ll be fun.

Yu Yu Hakusho: Yusuke continues his fight with Suzaku and Suzaku splits himself into seven, which this doesn’t seem to be the Multi-Form or Shadow Clones deal where it divides his energy, each one seems as strong as the original so that’s just kind of broken. Keiko pulls a bait and switch on the zombies which neither Suzaku nor Yusuke see coming despite watching the whole thing on Spirit TV, guess Suzaku had the camera point at the door instead of on Keiko for some reason even though the point is to make Yusuke watch her die. Anyway Yusuke flashes back to Genkai telling him he’s a little bitch that always doubts himself and splits his energy across multiple plans instead of having the confidence to go for something with everything he has and make it work instead of holding back in case it doesn’t. This and remembering his mom crying over his death and all the relationships he’s formed makes him go Super Saiyan in what I can only describe as a Fully Body Shotgun which I don’t think ever comes up again. He knocks down all the Suzakus but it’s just time to start the real fight since Yusuke’s lifted his limiter again like he does in every fight.

Fate Zero: So the clusterfuck in the middle of Saber and Lancer’s battle continues to grow as Iskandar just fucking dares everyone to come at him and five of the seven servants actually do. Gilgamesh is all like “Ugh, why do I have to do this shit, breathing sucks, I’m a king, someone breathe for me.” And tries to murder everyone with spears and shit but turns out Berserker is Darth Vader this time around and uses the force to steal his stolen weapons until Rin’s dad is all like “Dude you’re showing the whole world our fucking moveset, get the fuck out of there. Which given that Gilgamesh is an archer which are supposed to be independent and he’s a fucking snobby asshole, even with a Command Seal I’m surprised that worked. Also Waver’s racist teacher is all “hah wow, I was supposed to have Rider and the token teenager character stole it from me” and Iskandar’s like “I like this kid that’s ride or die with me even though he cries all the time way more than someone who doesn’t even step onto the battlefield you stuck up prick” and then Lancer and Berserker double-team Saber (giggity) and Lancer’s not happy about it because he was fighting Saber first and doesn’t wanna just jump her with Darth Vader but more Command Seals are thrown around until Iskander runs over Darth Vader with his fucking Lightning Chariot and that’s kind of shitty because Racist Teacher man wasted a Command Seal to have Lancer attack Saber for like five seconds before making him retreat. Bug Dude is also kinda freaked out that Berserker just kinda went for Saber meaning she must be pretty pissed at Saber about something anyway so basically everyone runs away and nothing is really accomplished, we didn’t even really need Kiritsugu’s sniper shit or Assassins’s Ninja Bullshit for this everyone’s just had enough and goes home. Also Caster is a creepy yandere simp for Saber but really who isn’t in this series.

Konosuba: So Aqua’s ready to sit in a lake for a few hours to make some money but for the first time in her live her divine booty is not enough to solve this problem. She gets traumatized by getting attacked by demon alligators and Kazuma and co. are honestly uncharacteristically worried about her and ready to try and help her. Meanwhile generic isekai protagonist has a crush on Aqua despite already having his own harem of bland girls and wants to steal Aqua back but basically the whole group is so totally anti-White Knight they can see right through his shit and turn him down. Kazuma beats him up in the most Kazuma way possible and steals his magic sword, proving that not only is he not doing anything to defeat the devil king but he’s actively sabotaging those that are. Aqua fucking decks the guy and blackmails him so she’s rich now and Kazuma’s rich from selling his OP Isekai Cheat Sword. Also the Dullahan dude is back for revenge about bombing his castle and Kazuma’s like “Wait were we still doing that? Thought we stopped, oh well everyone in this world’s problems are our fault somehow so it sounds about right.”

Sailor Moon Crystal: So this time we get Makoto’s story who’s probably my favorite thus far because her job is punching shit and making sure Usagi doesn’t die from the hundreds of things ready to hit her on a daily basis. I have sort of found a redeeming trait for Usaig in that she’s willing to reach out to anyone and everyone, like she’s not what I would call traditionally ‘nice’ but she is friendly and that ability to pull disparate people together does kind of make more sense for why she’d be the leader rather than the other girls who have useful but more specific talents. But yeah continuing with the trend of things teen girls like trying to destroy the world, haunted bridal shop that also reveals Makoto’s tragic backstory of being a more believable version of Tall Girl. Makoto transforms and beats up the Bride lady with a combination of Zenbonzakura Kageyoshi and Azula’s lightning bending, no fair that she gets two powers but I guess she is the tough one so it make sense. Now we’ve basically got the whole crew except for the one that we already know is active but hasn’t joined the group yet so we’ll see how this goes.

Durarara!!: So Mikado’s in deep shit after stealing the girl away that half the town is looking for, all because he has it hammered into his head that whenever a girl asks for his help he has to give it. There’s a bit of discussion about the nature of the Dollars that I’m sure won’t be important later but both Izaya and Celty show up outside Mikado’s school and he’s kind of in an awkward position since there’s nowhere he can really go but home and lead them to the girl. So he decides to find out about them, or at least Celty, Izaya’s just kinda along for the ride. He gets Celty’s backstory and agrees to take her to the other girl only to get jumped by Yagiri thugs and pull out some Death Note animation internet shit that has even Izaya stunned, Mikado about to actually become the main character of this anime for a bit.

[anoptimisticsnarker]

What an introduction to Cornelia we’ve gotten. Her first scene and she’s already brought Area 18 to its knees. She’s a step up from what we’ve from Britannia so far to be sure. Lelouch will be up a most considerable opponent.

And C.C. has revealed not only her name and that she was talking about her and Lelouch’s agreement. There’s an air of cheekiness to C.C. that I really like. She just shuts Lelouch down when he presses for questions. He can’t quite manipulate her like he’s down with others.

Fucking Pizza Hut is all over this anime. Oh my God. Also, a girl just fucking jumped into Suzaku’s arms. Wish that was me. And it looks like Viletta (don’t know or care if her name was officially revealed yet) is suspicious of Lelouch.

It looks like Suzaku and the girl, Euphie, are having a time roaming town. They seem to have hit it off between one another. I kind of like the look of them together. And why do I suddenly have a very bad feeling about this? She wants to go to Shinjuku. Dear Lord...

C.C. is so freaking playful. She knows she can get away with what she’s pulling because Lelouch needs her. It almost feels like a game to her. How far can she go before she goes too far. Lelouch is at least learning how his power works. He’s good.

Jeremiah really gotten team attacked by four other Britannians due to last episode. And Suzaku has stepped in to try and stop the in-fighting. How Britannia gets anything done is beyond me.

Euphemia really just will not tolerate anyone trying to harm Suzaku in any way. He brings out a fiery side that’s been contrasted by how gentle she has been outside of that. It seems she wants to help him though.

And Cornelia has made her way into Area 11. And she’s out for blood. She wants Zero. Oh yeah, Suzaku has joined Ashford Academy. That seems rather minor compared to everything else.

[that-yandere-shit-archive]

Day 5 Mirror- Lelouch

He used his geass so you obey every order he gives you. Fem s/o//

“Look at your reflection my love. I want you to watch as I ravage you” Lelouch commands me, my eyes suddenly glue themselves to the full length mirror.

“Good girl,” he nips at my ear his hands unbuttoning my Black Knight uniform. “I love when you’re a good girl for me. Do you like being the only one who has my love~?”

His smile turns sour and he grabs my neck and growls in my ear “it doesn’t seem like you share the sentiment love after all you were talking to Suzaku”

“I was asking him a question about the classwork, you know I only love you Lulouch” I tell him moving my hand to cup his cheek, hoping that it’ll calm him.

He starts kissing and biting my exposed neck. “If you love me so much then prove it to me. Watch yourself as I fuck you”

My eyes fixed on the mirror as he takes the rest of my clothes off, then stepping back from me to shed his own.

Once he was done Lelouch presses himself into my back, pushing me into the mirror.

[knighterrors]

@obligeas said:  He trusts Suzaku. Lelouch trusts Suzaku so much it hurts when his friend turns the gun on him and attempts to make him into his enemy. Why can't you see -- we're supposed to be on the same side, you pathetic fool. I hate that you fight for Britannia. For her. Lelouch is jealous of Suzaku's loyalty to the now-dead Euphemia; he's accepting that, slowly but surely. "Open your damn eyes, Suzaku! Do you want to be treated like a dog?!" (i guess end of R1) / who exactly are you to talk!

     Angry.

     Very motherfucking angry.

     It’s a feeling that still eats away at Suzaku, rots his insides like an acid. Corrosive. And in the anger, there’s something more tame. A bitter sadness and disappointment. The harsh sting of betrayal that feels like a knife twisting in his gut ( a feeling that makes him wince – he remembers his father and the knife in tiny hands, the blood that coated his fingers then and has remained with him for seven years ). It’s an amalgam of emotion that makes him nauseated, lips pulled in a hard frown as he keeps the barrel pointed in Lelouch’s direction. As he keeps emerald eyes narrowed, brows knitted together in the sorrow, the defeat he feels.

     It’s not a defeat in the sense that he’s losing this battle– no, he’s the one who will leave here unscathed. But it’s his own defeat for lying to himself for so long. For denying the possibility that Lelouch was Zero and opting to trust time and time again in his best friend. But he knew, deep down. He always knew. Since he was freed from his almost execution by the Black Knights. Since he was offered the chance to join them, turning the opportunity down because it wasn’t in line with his own agenda ( and he still had his court martial to attend ). But time and time again, he denied it. 

     ( There’s no way Lelouch could be Zero, right? Was he really that willing to kill his family? Why would he resort to such a method? Why is he lying to everyone– to me, to Nunnally? )

     But he couldn’t keep lying to himself anymore. He couldn’t keep telling himself over and over and over again that his best friend for the last seven years was the terrorist known as Zero- the infamous leader of the Black Knights. That he was the one that murdered Prince Clovis ( which he was framed for! ), that he is the reason for the increased number of rebellions that break out, the reason so many of his own blood has given their life and died for such a cause, that he killed Euphemia who wanted nothing more than to help them.

     He can feel his hands shaking despite how hard he’s trying to stand still and remain calm. He can feel the slight tremor in his shoulders, a result of the anger that threatens to consume him and eat him alive like a flame. But he’s trying to handle this as calmly as he can despite the raging inferno that is his emotions but he can feel himself tearing apart at the seams the further and further this goes on. The longer that Lelouch keeps trying to justify himself, the moment that calls for a truce.

     An offer Suzaku is quick to discard, striking a match to the idea.

     ( If this all wasn’t some kind of... some kind of game to him, he would’ve joined with Euphie! None of this would be happening! None of this would have to happen and— )

     For a brief moment, it feels like Suzaku is being stabbed. A sharp pain in his gut, enough to steal the breath from his lungs– eyes wide as he stares hard at the unmasked terrorist before him. What... was he saying? What the fuck was he saying?! What could Lelouch possibly know about the time he’s spent in the military– Suzaku knows this! He knows how he’s treated, he’s dealt with it long enough! It isn’t any sort of news to him at all! He’s aware of how he’s used, he knows he almost died on Shikine Island and he would’ve gladly accepted that if it meant Zero went down with him too.

     But he didn’t. They’re both still living.

     Suzaku knows of the way he’s been reprimanded. Of the way he’s been treated because of who he is. He’s not that stupid that he doesn’t see it– since day one he was nothing but a tool, just another pawn on the chessboard. Laying it out clearly for him doesn’t change that fact.

     Yet there’s something, something in the way that Lelouch snaps at him that hurts to hear it. Like he doesn’t get it but Suzaku isn’t even given a chance to retort his claim. Not when it feels like that knife sunk deep in his belly is twisted sharp when Lelouch snaps again, claims it’s all in the past. The past? The past?

“You killed your father, didn’t you?”

     The trembling he’d felt in his shoulders feels like too much to keep control of now. His hands are shaking terribly now, lips quivering in the shock at such the exclamations, the question asked of him. The echo of Lelouch’s words ringing loud in his ears about finding time to regret later. To open his eyes, unless he wants to keep being treated like a dog. There’s a hiccup in the pilot’s breath, a shaky step in attempt to readjust his footing lest he want his knees to buckle beneath him.

     ( How could Lelouch say that? How could he–? What does he know? What does he know? What does he– )

     “What the fuck could you possibly know!?” He snaps. There’s nothing that can possibly keep him together now. Not the attempts that he’s tried to keep the rope holding him up from fraying. There’s no rational thought now– there’s no ‘think of all routes and outcomes then choose’ to be done here. He’s angry. He’s so fucking angry and there’s no way of calming him down, “You– Don’t try to fucking tell me you understand!”

     Hopeless! He’s hopeless!

     In his rage, he remembers the boy he knew. The cold look that was in his eyes the day he and Nunnally had been sent off, leaving him alone. He remembers how he looked, the anger in his voice and Suzaku remembers how he couldn’t say a word then– how he couldn’t agree with Lelouch because of his own grief and anger, the very war he started inside of himself. He’s not sure when he started crying, feeling the tear roll down his cheek as he tries to steady his trembling hand to aim his gun straight.

     The shaking is only making him angrier.

     Lelouch’s insistence in trying to get an answer out of him makes it worse.

     “Nothing that happens from now is any of your business!” The look on his best friend’s face hurts, the sheer disbelief that he would do this. But it’s been that way for months with Suzaku, telling himself time and time again that Lelouch couldn’t be because he believed in him. Yet here he is, in front of his own lie to himself and Suzaku knows what needs to happen.

     He can’t let Lelouch– no– he can’t let this demon live.

     The sound of his own name echoes in his ears when Lelouch pulls his own gun on him, desperation evident in the look on his face and Suzaku meets him in the middle of all this animosity with his own shout, “LELOUCH!”

     Punctuated with a single gunshot.

[restekova]

Lelouch and suzaku for the ask meme. Do it

as one of the relatively few white male protagonists in anime, considering that, generally speaking, most anime characters are japanese, lelouch, with his britannian ethnicity, manages to be the most White Male Protagonist in anything i have ever seen. i don’t mean that he’s bland or his emotions are dull. i mean the kind of White Male Protagonist where he’s super self-absorbed to the point of being unable to see beyond himself, projects his own desires and wishes onto other people, is super fucking pretentious all of the fucking time, hijacks legitimate causes to make them into stepping stones to satisfy his oedipus complex revenge quest, and reads hamlet for fun. and he thinks he’s so cool, but he’s not. he cosplays and he plays chess. he canonically based his political persona off a tokusatsu character. this bitch actually rides in his friend’s motorcycle sidecar. bitch????????

i legally am not allowed to insult suzaku because the rest of the code geass fandom already does that for me. (he truly is the gon of code geass.) however i suppose i can break the law just this once: why you gotta be spinning all the time when you jump and kick people? where the fuck is your center of gravity? does it add to momentum? what gives, motherfucker? also. your own personal self-hatred has become so severe and all-consuming that it affects every single aspect of your life down to your political beliefs, and as a result you’re dragging others down with you just because you believe you personally deserve to be treated like garbage. that’s not cute. go to therapy.

[maxfieldparrishes]

shake the bones

Part III. Having a new roommate requires some adjusting.

(nota bene: this is definitely set before pt. II)

(read on AO3)

Kallen hates mornings, and always has.

When her alarm beeps, she slams the snooze button and tries to curl herself into a ball, but the sunlight filtering in through her blinds naturally falls right into her eyes no matter how she squirms, so she grumbles and growls to herself and slides clumsily out of bed.

She’s tired. She hasn’t slept well, she has the oddest feeling that something important happened the previous day, but doesn’t remember what it is...

... until she spots the physical reminder making himself at home in her kitchen.

“Oh, Jesus!” she exclaims, and staggers against the wall in complete and utter shock, hand over her heart like a character from one of Milly’s soap operas.

“Not quite,” Lelouch answers. “We both came back from the dead, but I think that’s about where the similarities end.”

“Right. You’re alive now.” She sits down heavily at the table and starts to rub the sleep out of her eyes. “I haven’t compartmentalized yet. Or woken up. Sorry.”

“Still not a morning person, I see,” he says. “Here, I made some coffee.” He sets a steaming mug down before her drooping eyes, and takes a long, hard look at her. “How do you take it?”

“Black,” she says. Testing the white ceramic with the pad of her pointer finger, she rotates the cup in her hands, waiting for it to cool.

“Funny. So do I.” Lelouch sits down across from her at her little table with his own mug, and they sit in awkward, uneasy silence, not meeting each others’ eyes, until a hiss from the stove calls him away.

“Is that bacon?” She’d had some in her freezer for months, but hadn’t had the time (or the inclination) to make it. It smells amazing.

“Yes. I’d ask if you want cheese on your omelet but there isn’t any in your fridge.”

“No. I don’t really like cheese that well. I never ate it much growing up.”

Lelouch chuckles, turning the bacon over with a pair of tongs Kallen didn’t even know she had. “Strange to think how different our childhoods were. When I was... in Britannia, we had cheese in some form at every meal, every day.”

“Ugh.” It slips out before she can help herself, and she winces. “Sorry. You probably thought some of our food was gross too when you first got here.”

“I’m still not very fond of sazae, but you have managed to change my mind about most shellfish.”

Lelouch takes the bacon out of the pan and chops it up, before he sets it aside and starts chopping up the half an onion she left in a plastic bag, from the last time she attempted to cook something. He sets that aside too and then starts chopping up two large shiitake mushrooms, then dumps everything in a bowl and tosses it together with a spatula.

Kallen is amazed. She didn’t even know she owned a spatula.

In a second bowl, he cracks six eggs and adds a dash of water--in place of milk, he tells her, which is what makes the eggs fluffy. He adds a bit of vegetable oil to the pan used for the bacon--in place of butter, he tells her again, because the lipids provide a protective layer between the eggs and the heat, so they can cook without burning, and pours in half of the eggs too.

After the eggs have hardened, he delicately pours half of the bacon-onion-mushroom mix into the pan, flips half of the egg-patty over, and slides it out onto a plate, which he sets at her seat with a flourish.

“You like to cook, don’t you?” she asks as she digs around in a drawer for forks, and then in her tiniest, most awkward cabinet for the salt, pepper, and hot sauce.

“I didn’t really have a choice,” he replies. “I had my sister to take care of, and eventually Suzaku too, so I had to figure it out or we all would have starved.” Lelouch slides out the second omelet onto his own plate, and takes a glance at the cabinet she’s rummaging around in. “That’s where you keep your salt and pepper?”

“This cabinet isn’t good for much else,” she responds, groping around at the back of a shelf for a specific bottle, stiffening when she feels Lelouch appear close behind her.

“You have exactly three vegetables in your entire fridge, but two whole sacks of white rice and five different kinds of hot sauce,” he complains, peering over her head into the cabinet. “What are you looking for?”

“The sriracha.”

“Here,” he says, sliding his arm around her to push a bottle of curry powder out of the way, and grabs the sriracha before he hands it down. She takes it primly and sits down at the table with a thud, before sprinkling salt, pepper, and a torrential amount of sriracha over her omelet. Lelouch adds a much more moderate amount to his own before before they start eating, but not before asking Kallen what her weekly schedule is like.  

“I have classes starting at nine in the morning, until nine at night, Mondays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays are Black Knights stuff or Guren and Rakhshata stuff, and so on. Fridays I have two labs, then I usually spend the evening with Mom. Alternate Saturdays are also Black Knights, Guren, Rakhshata...”

“No wonder you don’t cook,” he grumbles. But then he smiles, and Kallen would be lying if she doesn’t notice the melancholy which sneaks, like a flash of lightning, across his face. “I’m glad you’re still in contact with your mother.”

“Well, of course,” she says, a little confused. “Why wouldn’t I be? Hey, that reminds me: how did you know I lived by myself?”

“I didn’t,” Lelouch answers, wincing a little as he wipes a bit of hot sauce off of what Kallen suddenly notices is a cracked lip, “but I figured you wouldn’t have agreed to come get me so quickly if you weren’t alone,” and she has to concede he has a fair point.

“Yeah, after a... year and a half or so, Mom said I’d sacrificed enough for her sake, that I had so much ahead of me, blah blah blah. She wanted me to live my own life and not worry so much about her, so she--very gently--told me that I should find my own place, and that I was welcome to visit her whenever I wanted.”

“So she evicted you.”

Kallen nods. “She kicked me out. In the absolute, nicest way possible, but still. She kicked me out.”

Lelouch laughs at that, and worries his lip with his tongue and teeth when his smile causes the crack to widen. Kallen looks to the side and begins to chuckle too, but starts in alarm when she notices that she should have been out the door about fifteen minutes ago. Pushing out of her chair, she races into her room, shimmies out of her pajamas and tosses them on the bed, pulls on her clothes, and races back out without washing her face or brushing her teeth.

“I didn’t realize it was so late,” Lelouch begins as she careens into the living room, grabs her backpack and throws on a sweatshirt, before he trails off, regarding her with a curious look, which puzzles her. Does she have hot sauce on her face or something?

Suddenly Kallen realizes that Lelouch is looking at her clothes, not her face, and remembers that he’s been dead for three fucking years and has no idea that she’s a medical student, as she pats down the pockets of her scrubs to double-check she has her keys even as she’s bolting towards the door.

“Okay, okay,” she says breathlessly, trying to organize her thoughts, as she’s fumbling at the doorknob. “Uh, I’ll be back, don’t go outside, help yourself to food, we can talk about my life choices later, I’ll see you and... goodbye?”

“We need to talk about the... situation...” he reminds her, stepping neatly to the side as she slips through the door and pulls it shut, shouting “Later!” and he isn’t sure if she means it as a farewell or a promise as the echo of her footsteps in the hall fade away. The sudden quiet that follows in her absence is deafening.

Kallen had been a tornado on the battlefield. She is, evidently, not so different off of it.

Lelouch shrugs, suddenly wishing he could turn on a radio or the television to break the silence, and starts to clean up the dishes.

He spends the day being nosy. Lelouch methodically goes through the entire kitchen, the bathroom, leaving Kallen’s room alone to respect her privacy (for the most part--he pokes his head in to note the location of the window and the vents), and makes mental notes of all the windows, doors, and vents. He hopes she doesn’t mind that he rearranges the furniture in the living room ever so slightly, just to make sure that a body lying down on the sofa won't immediately be seen from the front door.

He makes notes of what else he finds in her apartment: the unusual blend of artwork on her walls, the titles on her bookshelves, her textbooks. A keyboard in her (exceedingly crowded) coat closet. A record player on her bookshelves, the small contingent of records underneath serving as a bookend for a diverse collection, ranging from nonfiction to manga. He’s surprised, despite himself, and he takes a moment to self-chastise--why shouldn’t Kallen have an intellectual life, her own interests? Suddenly, the weight of his lost time is unbearable. Why should it hurt him, to think--to know--that Kallen had a life outside of and beyond him?

She’s her own person. But all of these things--her choices, her music, her art, her books, all her possessions--reveal somebody he isn’t sure he knows. However, that doesn’t mean he can’t start: Lelouch selects a thick volume (high fantasy, he judges from the cover) and sits down on the couch to read.

He’s still reading when the door to the apartment slams shut, well after dark. He looks down the hallway to see a pair of bloody scrubs stampeding towards him, and does a double take.

“Dissection,” Kallen says, kicking off her shoes in the hallway, “and I wouldn’t ask which part if I were you.”

“Nice to see you too,” he responds. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving. Did you actually have anything to work with?” Kallen looks around. “I thought the kitchen was pretty much empty. I haven’t been grocery shopping in ages.”

“I’m a master at making food stretch. You have the staples, even if you don’t know it, and I can deal with the rest.” Lelouch stands and makes his way to the kitchen, and Kallen follows him. “Time to eat.”

“You mean you haven’t eaten?” she remarks, looking absolutely scandalized. “It’s almost eleven!”

“Not waiting is rude,” Lelouch responds. “And we can talk over dinner. It’s chicken and rice pilaf.”

He microwaves both the plates, sets them on the table, and Kallen wastes no time in digging in. Lelouch is surprised by his own appetite, as he attacks the food with a vehemence similar to Kallen’s own. 

She swallows a bite down. “So. You said we needed to talk, right? About... this?” 

“Mm,” he agrees. “I think both of us would like to know just what the hell is going on.” 

“And you think I can help find out?” 

“I think you’re well-placed to make some discreet inquiries. I can guide you with that. What we really need is C.C., but as she’s currently... in the wind, I think the best thing to do would be to have you try to find her, then go from there.” 

“There’s a break in two weeks or so,” Kallen says. “I’m not sure how much I can help when I have my exams coming up, but after that I can spend more time digging around.” 

“That’s fair. I don’t think I’m going anywhere,” Lelouch says, bringing another bite of food to his mouth, “which brings me to my next point--”

“You need a wig,” Kallen interrupts, on the tail end of a swallow. “And contacts. So you can go outside. I was thinking about that too, because you can’t be stuck in here all day. It’s not healthy. Or useful.”

“Yes.” He swallows a bite of chicken. “Seeing as I’m still legally dead, you’ll have to get them. I’m not fussy about the wig, but you’ll need to get the contacts made custom, because they have to block my Geass. I’ll give you the name of the company. They respond quickly and you can do the whole thing online. And once I have them I can be more useful. I may not be able to access the same spaces as you, but I can at least make myself useful in the domestic sphere.”

“The wig will be easy,” Kallen says. “I’ll just raid the drama department, no one will miss a wig. The contacts... would using a public library computer to order them be wise? They don’t save any information. Also, I don’t believe you when you say you won’t be fussy. You’ll absolutely be fussy. You are the definition of fussy.” 

“That’s a good idea. And I know what I like--that isn’t being fussy, it’s being precise.” He sets his fork down, having somehow beat Kallen at finishing a meal.

Kallen mutters “fussy” underneath her breath as she scrapes the last bit of rice from her plate. “You cooked. I’ll do the dishes.” She takes them to the sink, scrapes the food into a bin, and wrenches on the faucet, which gives a grating squeak. She removes her scrub top, revealing a tank top underneath, and tosses it on to her chair. 

“You didn’t have to do that. You could at least let me earn my keep.”

“You’re a guest,” she says brusquely. “The least we could do is trade off on it.” For some reason, a prickly feeling starts to move through his chest at her words. What could there possibly be in those sentences that hurts his feelings? 

“I suppose you’re right,” he says after a beat, “but we will be trading off. Mark my words.” 

“Sure.” Kallen dries the last plate and puts it in the cabinet with the others. “Hey, I’ve got an early morning tomorrow, so I’m going to turn in. Goodnight, okay?”

He watches her as she gathers her discarded shirt and heads into her bedroom without a backwards glance. The sound of her door closing reminds him of when she’d left earlier in the day, but while she’s only a room away, suddenly Kallen feels far more distant than she was during her actual absence. 

Lelouch finds himself irrationally bothered by it. He isn’t quite sure why. He grabs Kallen’s book from the table, not that she had noticed, and heads to the sofa to steel himself for a late night. 

[eachainn]

Author’s Note: Why not talk about Shirley in this? They let her live, might as well actually have her doing something instead of being pretty in the background, or on an orange farm in France. I’m just slamming together both versions of Shirley, from the series and the recap movie. Shirley was shot, it wasn’t fatal.

Shirley pulled her hair back, wrapping the hair tie around her ponytail a few times before tugging it secure. She reached over for her phone, turning off the speaker and hooking it over her ear again. “Sorry.”

She heard her mother laugh, something in her stomach unkotting a bit at the sound. It had been a long while she her mother had laughed. Years.

She swallowed, sitting back in her chair as her mother spoke. “I remember the summers well enough in Ar-Japan.” The word didn’t seem to sit right in her mother’s mouth because she cleared her throat and continued. “It was always so humid there.”

“That hasn’t changed.”

“No, I guess it wouldn’t. But it feels like it should.”

Shirley nodded, even though her mother couldn’t see her. It had only been a year, but it felt longer, it felt like ten. She wasn’t aware that something like that could happen, that so much could change so quickly. She traced her fingers over the armrest of the chair, looking around the locker room. “It does…How are you?”

“Me? I’m fine. I should be asking you that.” Her mother hesitated before lowering her voice. “I’m still not sure how comfortable I feel with you staying over there.”

“Mother.”

“Finishing high school was one thing, and your internship-”

“You said it was too good to turn down.”

“I know, and I stand by it. You’re lucky to have gotten in.”

Shirley hummed, dropping her gaze to the side. Her hard work had been part of it, but most of her luck had rested with the fact that she had known members of the Black Knights. They were the UFN’s defense force, and no one could say no to Captain Kozuki, not when Kallen was determined to be convincing. It had allowed her to get to know many of the heads of state, had gotten her into the program she was in now, had gotten her the job she had now. It was all a great honor, too great to leave Japan.

But, sometimes, she would walk down that street and she would have to stop and lean against the nearest building because she couldn’t breathe right, couldn’t see anything but Zero charging up to Lelouch and running him through.

Shirley clutched at the armrest, trying to keep her breathing steady. She knew what was coming next, and she didn’t want to hear it. Her mother had managed to slip it into every conversation, and she was running out of ways to put her off.

It started with her mother sighing, silence falling on the other end of the line for a moment before her mother spoke up again. “I just wish you weren’t so far from home…or still over there.”

Shirley tipped her head back. “Mother, it’s been quiet all year.”

“Not on mainland Asia.”

“That’s across the water.”

“It’s too close!” Shirley winced at the panic in her mother’s voice. “You lived through the Black Rebellion, so you know how quickly those things can spread. It started in Area 11 and jumped right to China.”

It was a testament to how agitated her mother was that she didn’t automatically correct herself. Shirley closed her eyes. She wished that there was something that she could tell her mother, but nothing seemed to calm her down. The only thing that Shirley could think of was saying that she was coming home, but she wasn’t ready for that. Japan had been the death of her father, and nearly the death of her, but she couldn’t leave, not when what she was doing felt right.

Shirley reached down to rub over the scar from her bullet wound. “I know, but I’m in the best place to hear about it.”

“Yes.” Her mother took a deep breath. “Yes, you are. And you’re safe behind the lines.”

“Yes.” It was a struggle not to draw out the word, but Shirley couldn’t stop herself from looking at where her flight suit hung. She hadn’t shut her locker to give it a chance to air out a bit. She bit her lip, filing her Knightmare pilot training as something to beg her mother’s forgiveness for later.

She had only done it on a whim, to try and get closer to her father, but she had come out of the simulation with a single thought. She wasn’t going to allow one more person to die or to suffer. Not one more.

Shirley reached back to play with her ponytail, wrapping her hair around her fingers. “Honestly, I’m mostly doing boring stuff. Talking with departments, making lists, making phone calls.”

“That’s good.” The relief in her mother’s voice just made her feel worse. In the year since the end of the Britannian empire she had become a consummate liar. The fact that it was to only one person didn’t make her feel any better. But the fact that her mother sounded so happy was almost enough to make it alright.

Almost.

She shifted in her chair, resisting the urge to sink further down in her chair. Shirley licked her lips, offering an olive branch, more to assuage her own conscious than excite her mother. “I do have my vacation coming up and I have some days off from work. So, I should be able to visit in a few months.”

“Really?”

“Uh-huh.” Shirley turned around in her chair to face the door to the locker room. “I’ll have to get back to you with exact dates, but would that be alright?”

“Of course! It’s been too long. Everyone over here wants to meet you! We can go to the little tea place down the street. Oh, and Andrea ‘s son will be home at the same time. The two of you should meet. You have a lot in common.”

Shirley swallowed, looking back over at her open locker and the pictures from her Ashford days that were taped there. “Sure, sounds good.”

Her mother dug into the subject then, Shirley feeling a lump growing in her throat the longer her mom went on. 

Her gaze lingered on one of the group pictures, when all of them were piled in the student council room. It was a captured moment of chaos. 

Shirley couldn’t remember what they had been working on, but there were papers flying as Kallen tripped over the chair that Shirley had pushed out in a bid to grab onto Arthur. Arthur had taken the chance to lunge across the table and bite down on Suzaku’s arm, and Suzaku had recoiled to knock into Rivalz, who was twisted to try and save Nina’s computer from falling off the desk with Nina. Oblivious to all of it were Milly and Lelouch who were in a middle of an argument.

She missed those times.

The sound of the door opening started her from her thoughts. Shirley turned to look at the door, nodding when she saw Kallen stepping in.

Kallen waved back with one hand, the other occupied with a towel that she was using to scrub at her hair. She turned to head over to her own locker, pulling it open and rummaging inside.

Shirley reached up, pressing one hand against her phone. “Mom? Mom.”

“And he’s so sweet with cats. What?”

“My ride just showed up, so I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Of course. I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

Shirley sighed when the other side of the line clicked. She shouldn’t feel relieved that the conversation was over, and yet she always did. It might be the talk about what she was doing in Britannia, a world away in more ways than one. Or it might have been the relentless way that her mother was trying to entice her with boys. It was an honest effort, something to ease what she thought was the loss and betrayal of everything that had happened with Lelouch. The problem was that Shirley wasn’t sure what she thought about it.

She loved him, that was the one thing that she was sure about. Everything was a confusing jumble of emotion that she didn’t quite know how to start to unpack. All she knew was that she wasn’t ready for anything.

Shirley took the phone from her ear with a sigh, glancing over at Kallen as there was a bang and a curse.

Kallen pulled back from her locker, rubbing her head. “Fucking locker.”

“You alright?”

“Yeah.” Kallen pulled her hand away, looking at it before shaking her head. “It’s got it out for me.”

“We could switch. Mine’s well behaved.”

“Nah, I’ll remember to stay low one day.” Kallen turned back around, nodding over at the phone. “Another check up with your mother?”

Shirley nodded. “Much of the same.”

“Come back to Britannia, it’s too dangerous?”

“Yes. And, come meet the new boy.”

Kallen sighed and shoved her locker shut. “Just tell her and get it over with.”

“I can’t. I can’t even tell her what I’m really doing here.”

Kallen turned to look at the flight suit, raising her eyebrow. “Telling her that you’re not looking for a boyfriend is easier.”

“Not really.” Shirley stood up with a groan, rubbing her back. “It’s hard enough telling her that I’m staying for the rest of the year. I haven’t even covered my next year in college.”

“That’s slightly more important.”

“I know but, she hates it here and hates that I’m here. And I can’t come up with a good reason that I’m staying. Anything I say makes it sound like I’m still hung up on-”

She motioned over at the pictures in her locker, watching as Kallen came around to look. The curiosity on her face softened, Kallen staring at the pictures with a familiar look longing before she shook her head. “I think we’re all hung up on that. Rivalz called me a few weeks ago to talk about how he ‘missed the days of our youth.’”

Shirley laughed, shaking her head. “We’re not that old yet, are we?”

“It feels like it sometimes.” Kallen stretched her arms above her head, groaning when her back popped. “That seat redesign is going to kill me.”

“Oh, I know.” Shirley walked over to close her locker, stopping a moment to press her fingers against one of the pictures before shutting it. She jiggled the lock to get it to shut securely. “I’m this close to turning in a report on the adverse effect on this position on pilot wellness and effectiveness.”

“Please do. I spent two years jury-rigging the Guren with pillows and the clothes I changed out of. I don’t want to do it again.”

“Consider it done.”

“Thank you.” Kallen reached out to open the door, holding it open as the two of them stepped out into the hallway. She fell into step beside Shirley, their shoulders bumping against each other. “For that, I owe you. Tamaki is opening his second café next week. It’s not tasteful at all,” Kallen rolled her eyes, “but the food and drinks are good, and it’s all free. I’ll hook you up with a ticket.”

Shirley glanced over at her, watching the way that Kallen stepped gingerly. “You’re going to owe me a bit more than that.”

Kallen shot her a quick look. “How so?”

“My college has a huge pool, and a hot tub. I’ve been going there after work to soak this out. As a first year sports medicine student, I’m going to prescribe you a long soak and sneak you in with my student ID.”

“Shirley, you are a life saver.”

She smiled. “It’s for the defense of the free world, right?”

Kallen laughed. “Yes. The free world needs us to spend an hour in a hot tub.”

“At least.”

“For our health.” Kallen leaned forward, laughing and ignoring the strange looks that the rest of the staff shot them. Shirley took the chance to wave at the people that she knew, pausing mid-wave when Kallen stood up, the smile on her face softening. “I’ll figure out something to pay you back.”

“We’ll grab dinner on the way back.”

Kallen nodded, slowing slightly. Shirley turned to look back at her, slowing to match her.

It took Kallen a moment to meet her gaze, Shirley bracing herself when she saw the girl take a deep breath, Kallen squaring her shoulders.

“Speaking of dinner, has Milly asked you about the…the thing next week?”

Shirley took a quick breath, feeling it catch somewhere in the back of her throat. Her phone felt like a stone in her pocket, her fingers twitching as she fought the urge to reach for it. The message was still there, read but not responded to.

She struggled for words for a moment before she nodded.

“Are you going?”

Shirley fixed her gaze ahead of them, watching as people streamed out of the building. It would be easy to pretend that she hadn’t heard the quiet question, but she couldn’t do that. There was only so much lying that she could do in a day. “I…I don’t know. I think we should.”

“I kind of thought we should to. I just don’t understand how we’re suppose to celebrate and remember when I was the one who-” Kallen cut herself off, her gaze going unfocused.

Shirley watched Kallen for a moment before reaching out to link their arms. Kallen startled a bit at the touch, but she was quick to hold on. Shirley glanced around before speaking, keeping her voice low. “It’s not about what they became. It’s about what we miss about them.”

Kallen glanced over at her. “I’ll go if you go.”

“I don’t think we have a choice. I think Milly might move it to wherever we are.”

“Didn’t anyone tell her that she can’t order us around anymore? She’s not Student Council President.”

“I don’t think anyone is brave enough to do it.”

Kallen huffed, the sound almost a laugh. “I’ve fought Britannia and I can’t do it.”

“It might be good just to go along with it then.”

“For our health?”

Shirley nodded. “For our health.”

Kallen didn’t say anything to that, but she did hold onto Shirley’s arm tighter. Shirley squeezed back, happy to have something to hold. It seemed to be what the two of them had been doing for the better part of the year, holding each other up. Shirley was glad for it. 

She didn’t know what would happen if she had tried to go through all of this alone. She would have crumbled so many times if Kallen hadn’t been there to drag her somewhere in Tokyo or even to the apartment that she and her mother shared. It was nice to know that she wasn’t the only one that was torn between mourning and anger at what Lelouch and Suzaku had done.

The world was a better place in the end, it was just her selfish heart that said she would have preferred it with the two of them there.

Shirley cleared her throat, pushing those thoughts away for the moment. She could unpack that later, maybe at Milly’s get together. The important thing at the moment was not to linger.

She tugged lightly on Kallen’s arm, getting her attention. “What did they keep you back so long for?”

Kallen stared at her for a moment before rolling her eyes, some of the life coming back into her eyes. “Some final tweaks to that new outer armor unit.”

Shirley frowned, trying to remember what that was. She had heard talk around the Knightmare unit, but she was still in training, so she got nowhere near where Kallen was. The bet she had were what Kallen had told her about. “Is that the thing that got you locked in the Guren for an hour?”

“Yes.” Kallen groaned. “Where were you and your offer of a hot tub then?”

“Does it work now?”

“Kind of.” Kallen took a deep breath before she launched into an explanation why the armor was generally a good idea, but why she personally hated it.

Shirley listened with a while, letting most of the technical stuff go over her head. Kallen sounded more like herself, and, in the end, that was all that mattered.

[stawscweam]

The Ultimate Persona Bang List-REDONE

Don’t act like you’re surprised I made a Persona bang list. It was only a matter of time before I became a Personasexual. I’m using the wiki as well, so they will be split up by their Arcana type. I’m including both 3 & 4 Personas since those are the two I’m familiar with. Let’s get to it~

EDIT: Same reason as my Stand Bang List, I deleted my Standalous blog, so this dumb shit was gone, so I’m reposting it. I’ll need to update it for Persona 5 tho!!!

Fool

Orpheus

Pros: He’s the cutest little thing oh my god I love Orphy so much

Bang?: Hell. Fucking. Yeah. Would bang

Slime

Cons: what even the fuck, i dont want no goop in my cooch fuck that

Bang?: Hell no, would not bang

Legion

Cons: *pukes*

Bang?: Would not bang

Black Frost

Pros: 500x cuter than Jack Frost, once you go black, you never go back

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Ose

Bang?: Yiff yiff motherfucker

Decarabia

Bang?: Banging a star ye, would bang

Loki

Pros: Mmmmmmmmmmm so fucking hot

Bang?: PLEASE. YES. Would bang

Susano-o

Bang?: Would bang

Orpheus Telos

Pros: The babe tho

Bang?: YES. Would bang

Izanagi

Pros: Everyone can go home the main bae is here, I am in LOVE with Iza DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED

Bang?: Is that even a question, YES, OBVIOUSLY WOULD BANG

Obariyon

Bang?: Would not bang

Shiki-Ouji

Pros: Whoa. Baller design

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Magician

Hermes

Pros: One of my favourite designs you don’t even know

Bang?: All night long, would bang

Trismegistus

Bang?: Would bang

Nekomata

Pros: She cute

Bang?: Yiff yiff motherfucker

Jack Frost

Pros: I mean, he’s cute but like Black Frost is where it’s at???

Bang?: Would bang

Pyro Jack

Bang?: Would bang

Hua Po

Pros: She is so tiny and beautiful oh my god

Bang?: Yeeeeeesssssss, would bang

Sati

Bang?: Yeah, I mean, I’ll probably get burned but worth it, would bang

Orobas

Bang?: NO. Would not bang

Rangda

Bang?: Uh. No. Would not bang

Surt

Pros: *fans self* well fuck me

Bang?: He can do whatever he wants to me, would bang

Jiraiya

Pros: Nice design

Bang?: Would bang

Takehaya Susano-o

Bang?: Would not bang

Dis

Bang?: Sure, would bang

Jinn

Pros: A genie named Jinn

Bang?: Would bang

Mada

Bang?: ????

Priestess

Lucia

Pros: She’s so cute!

Bang?: Would bang

Juno

Bang?: Would bang

Apsaras

Bang?: Would not bang

Unicorn

Bang?: WOULD NOT BANG

High Pixie

Bang?: Eh, why not, would bang

Sarasvati

Bang?: Would bang

Ganga

Bang?: NO, would not bang

Parvati

Pros: Be still my heart

Bang?: Would bang

Kikuri-hime

Pros: Persona chicks need to calm down and stop being beautiful

Bang?: Would bang

Scathach

Bang?: Would bang

Konohana Sakuya

Pros: HOLY, SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Bang?: Would bang

Sumeo-Okami

Pros: GODDESS

Bang?: Would bang

Tzitzimitl

Bang?: I am scared

Empress

Penthesilea

Pros: She is honestly so beautiful and she reminds me so much of Aqua, I’m weird I’m sorry

Bang?: Mmmmm oh yeah, would bang

Artemisia

Pros: MY QUEEN

Bang?: Would bang

Leanan Sidhe

Bang?: Would bang

Yaksini

Bang?: Would not bang

Lakshmi

Bang?: Would not bang

Hariti

Bang?: Would bang

Gabriel

Bang?: Sure, would bang

Mother Harlot

Bang?: No thank you.

Skadi

Pros: Bruh. Her design is amazing

Bang?: Yeah, would bang

Alilat

Bang?: ?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Senri

Bang?: Would not bang

Gorgon

Bang?: Would not bang

Emperor

Polydeuces

Bang?: One of those rare cases where I would rather bang the user than the Persona/Stand, but can you blame me????, Aki-senpai yes, Polydeuces nah, would not bang

Caesar

Pros: Huge improvement

Bang?: Would bang

Forneus

Bang?: …

Oberon

Pros: He’s so pretty!!!

Bang?: Would bang

Take-Mikazuchi

Bang?: *shrug* Would bang

King Frost

Pros: MY KING

Bang?: Uh yah, would bang

Raja Naga

Pros: He’s actually pretty hot tbh

Bang?: Would bang

Kingu

Bang?: what the fuck is that

Barong

Bang?: Mmm let’s not

Odin

Pros: I don’t know why but he reminds me of Meruem???

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Dairoku Tenmaou

Pros: That design is killer

Bang?: I have no idea how, but yes, would bang, our love will find a way

Takeji Zaiten

Pros: This is too much for me

Bang?: Yes, would bang

Pabilsag

Bang?: Begone foul demon

Hierophant

Castor

Bang?: Another one of those rare cases and I ask you again, DO YOU BLAME ME?, Shinji is my main man, Castor nah would not bang

Omoikane

Bang?: Esidisi making a cameo in P3 holy shit, would not bang

Berith

Bang?: I guess, would bang

Shisa

Bang?: no

Flauros

Bang?: *steps 500 feet away* Nope.

Thoth

Bang?: No.

Hokuto Seikun

Pros: He reminds me of Netero-san. I’m sorry, I don’t know why my brain is like this pls forgive me

Bang?: Would bang

Daisoujou

Bang?: Nah.

Kohryu

Pros: SICK. HOLY SHIT.

Bang?: Would not bang tho

Anzu

Bang?: what

Hachiman

Bang?: Would not bang

Lovers

Io

Pros: Cutie pie

Bang?: Mm sure, would bang

Isis

Bang?: Would bang

Pixie

Bang?: Would bang

Alp

Bang?: Would bang

Tam Lin

Bang?: Would bang

Narcissus

Pros: Beautiful men are my weakness

Bang?: Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaase, would bang

Queen Mab

Bang?: *shakes head* No.

Saki Mitama

Bang?: *sigh*

Titania

Pros: No seriously, why are Persona chicks so beautiful?

Bang?: Would bang

Raphael

Pros: Well hello there

Bang?: Would bang

Cybele

Pros: whoa. A+ Persona tiddies

Bang?: Hell yeah, would bang

Himiko

Bang?: Uhhhh. No…

Kanzeon

Bang?: Uh still gonna go with no

Kouzeon

Bang?: Yeah. Still no

Undine

Bang?: Would bang

Ishtar

Bang?: Would bang

Chariot

Palladion

Bang?: Nah

Pallas Athena

Bang?: Yah

Ara Mitama

Bang?: Enough.

Chimera

Bang?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NO.

Zouchouten

Bang?: Would not bang

Ares

Pros: I love his design so much

Bang?: Dominate me. Would bang

Oumitsunu

Bang?: Sure, I mean why not?, would bang

Nata Taishi

Bang?: No

Koumokuten

Bang?: Would not bang

Thor

Bang?: Loki is hotter, would not bang

Tomoe Gozen

Pros: Sick design

Bang?: Would bang

Suzuka Gongen

Bang?: Would bang

Haraedo-no-Okami

Bang?: Would bang

Triglav

Bang?: I’ll pass

Kin-Ki

Bang?: Mmmmm no.

Futsunushi

Bang?: Would not bang

Justice

Nemesis

Bang?: ????

Kala-Nemi

Bang?: !??!?!?!??!!?!?!!?!?

Angel

Bang?: Would bang

Archangel

Bang?: Would bang

Principality

Bang?: Would bang

Power

Bang?: Would bang

Virtue

Bang?: Would bang

Dominion

Bang?: Would bang

Throne

Bang?: Would not bang

Melchizedek

Bang?: It looks like something from Power Rangers, would not bang

Sraosha

Bang?: Nah

Hermit

Yomotsu Shikome

Pros: Hair game hella strong

Bang?: Would not bang

Naga

Bang?: Would not bang

Lamia

Bang?: Uhm. No?

Mothman

Bang?: No.

Taraka

Bang?: Would not bang

Kurama Tengu

Bang?: Would not bang

Nebiros

Bang?: Would not bang

Kumbhanda

Bang?: What. is that

Arahabaki

Bang?: *laughs*

Ippon-Datara

Bang?: He scares me, no, would not bang

Hitokoto-Nushi

Bang?: Pig looking motherfucker hell no, would not bang

Ongyo-Ki

Pros: He looks really cool

Bang?: Would bang

Fortune

Fortuna

Pros: Beautiful

Bang?: Would bang

Empusa

Bang?: Nooooooooooooooooooo.

Kusi Mitama

Bang?: No.

Clotho

Pros: MY GIRL THO

Bang?: YAAAAAAAAAAS, would bang

Lachesis

Pros: Beautiful Persona women will be the death of me

Bang?: PLEASE, would bang

Atropos

Pros: I can’t take this

Bang?: Ugh you don’t even know, would bang

Norn

Bang?: ?????????

Sukuna-Hikona

Bang?: Would not bang

Yamato-Takeru

Bang?: Would not bang

Yamato-Sumeragi

Pros: Yoooooo

Bang?: Would bang

Strength

Cerberus

Pros: Design is hella bitchin’

Bang?: But nah son, would not bang

Valkyrie

Bang?: Would bang

Rakshasa

Bang?: Mmmmm sure, would bang

Titan

Pros: Pretty attractive actually

Bang?: Would bang

Jikokuten

Bang?: Would not bang

Hanuman

Bang?: Would not bang

Narasimha

Bang?: Would not bang

Kali

Bang?: Would not bang

Siegfried

Bang?: Yas, would bang

Sandman

Bang?: *laughs*

Oni

Pros: Awww cutie

Bang?: Would bang

Zaou Gongen

Bang?: Would not bang

Hanged Man

Inugami

Bang?: Fuck no.

Take-Minakata

Pros: He’s pretty hot to be honest

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Orthrus

Bang?: no.

Vasuki

Bang?: WOULD NOT BANG

Ubelluris

Pros: I bet his abs are ROCK SOLID, I’ll be taking my leave now

Bang?: Would bang

Hecatoncheires

Bang?: Non.

Hell Biker

Pros: I didn’t know Ghost Rider was a Persona

Bang?: I want to bang Ghost Rider, yes, would bang

Attis

Pros: Bruuuuuuuh, he’s like a mummy holy fuck

Bang?: Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, would bang

Yomotsu-Ikusa

Bang?: NO.

Makami

Bang?: NO.

Yatsufusa

Bang?: NO.

Taown

Bang?: NO.

Death

Ghoul

Bang?: No thank you.

Pale Rider

Bang?: There’s a “I want to bone him” pun that I’m not clever enough to make better so yeah, would bone

Loa

Bang?: Who wouldn’t want to bang a skull head amirite?, would bang

Samael

Bang?: No

Mot

Bang?: ?????????

Alice

Pros: She’s adorable

Bang?: Uhhhhh, she’s a like a little girl so would not bang

Thanatos

Pros: *squirms* AHHHHHHHHH LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’M IN LOVE WITH THANATOS OKAY LIKE NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND OH MY FUCKING GOD I JUST WANT HIM TO KILL ME REALLY REALLY BADLY. ONE OF THE HOTTEST PERSONAS I’VE EVER SEEN. BLESS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM

Bang?: OF FUCKING COURSE WOULD BANG SHUT UP DONT LOOK AT ME

White Rider

Bang?: What makes you so better than Pale Rider

Matador

Pros: Best design.

Bang?: Yes. Would bang

Temperance

Nigi Mitama

Bang?: Uh no

Mithra

Bang?: HELL NO

Genbu

Bang?: no

Seiryuu

Pros: Sick ass dragon

Bang?: But would not bang

Okuninushi

Bang?: Would bang

Suzaku

Pros: It’s like a fucking phoenix holy shit

Bang?: But would not bang

Byakko

Bang?: Would not bang

Yurlungur

Bang?: ???????????? no

Sylph

Bang?: Would bang

Xiezhai

Bang?: It’s a sheep thing, would not bang

Devil

Lilim

Pros: What a cutie

Bang?: Would bang

Mokoi

Bang?: What even the fuck is it, would not bang

Vetala

Bang?: NOPE.

Incubus

Bang?: Nah, would not bang

Succubus

Bang?: Meh, would not bang

Pazuzu

Bang?: No

Lilith

Pros: *sweats*, oh wow

Bang?: Uh, duh, would bang

Abaddon

Bang?: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

Beelzebub

Bang?: What kinda bug looking thing, jesus, fuck no, would not bang

Ukobach

Bang?: what

Belphegor

Bang?: what

Belial

Bang?: uh

Tower

Eligor

Bang?: Mmmmmmmm sure, would bang

Cu Chulainn

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Bishamonten

Bang?: Nah, would not bang

Seiten Taisei

Bang?: Would not bang

Masakado

Bang?: Would not bang

Mara

Bang?: By far the most terrifying Persona in existence, if anyone fucking asks me if I want to bang Mara I’m kicking your ass, HELL NO. WOULD NOT BANG. DON’T EVEN PLAY WITH ME LIKE THAT

Shiva

Bang?: Yes pls, would bang

Chi You

Bang?: Would not bang

Tao Tie

Bang?: No

Yoshitsune

Bang?: Would bang

Star

Neko Shogun

Bang?: Would not bang

Setanta

Bang?: Would bang

Nandi

Bang?: NO

Kaiwan

Bang?: Jesus, what the hell is that, no, would not bang

Ganesha

Bang?: Would not bang

Garuda

Bang?: No.

Kartikeya

Bang?: Would not bang

Saturnus

Bang?: Hot Personas are great, would bang

Kintoki-Douji

Bang?: *laughs*

Kamui

Bang?: *LAUGHS LOUDER*

Kamui-Moshiri

Bang?: really.

Fuu-Ki

Bang?: Would not bang

Moon

Gurr

Bang?: No

Yamatano-Orochi

Bang?: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Girimehkala

Bang?: Would not bang

Dionysus

Pros: SWEET MOTHER OF GOD I LOVE HIS DESIGN SO MUCH

Bang?: OH MY GOD PLEASE, WOULD BANG

Chernobog

Bang?: No

Seth

Bang?: Uhm. Uhm. *sweats*

Sandalphon

Bang?: *shrug*, would bang

Andras

Bang?: no.

Nozuchi

Bang?: no.

Sui-Ki

Bang?: Would not bang

Alraune

Bang?: Would bang

Sun

Yatagarasu

Bang?: I’m not fucking a bird what the hell, would not bang

Quetzalcoatl

Bang?: Oh another bird thing, would not bang

Jatayu

Bang?: Another…bird, what the fuck, would not bang

Horus

Bang?: CAN WE STOP WITH THE BIRDS, WOULD NOT BANG

Suparna

Bang?: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Vishnu

Bang?: Oh. A pleasant surprise, would bang

Asura

Bang?: You know what, I’m desperate, would bang

Gdon:

Bang?: Would not bang

Jester (Hunger)

Baphomet

Bang?: Would not bang

Magatsu-Izanagi

Pros: *wheezes*

Bang?: *WHEEZES* PLEASE

Judgement

Anubis

Bang?: Ohhhhhhhh yeah, would bang

Trumpeter

Bang?: Would not bang

Michael

Bang?: Would bang

Satan

Bang?: JFC NO

Lucifer

Bang?: Would bang

Messiah

Pros: PRAISE

Bang?: Would bang

Aeon

Uriel

Bang?: Would bang

Nidhogg

Bang?: NO

Ananta

Bang?: NO

Atavaka

Bang?: Yeah sure, would bang

Metatron

Bang?: Would bang

Ame-no-Uzume

Bang?: Would bang

Kushinada-Hime

Bang?: Would bang

Lakshmi

Bang?: Would bang

Kaguya

Pros: HOLY. HER DESIGN IS UNREAL

Bang?: WOULD BANG

World

Izanagi-no-Okami

Pros: ASLK;DFJLKA;FJLKSJFLKJL WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT, HOW DID THE BAE GET HOTTER WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Bang?: PLEASE OHMY GOD PLEASE, WOULD BANG

[relationshipcrimes]

when i finish this current wip............. im going to reward myself by rewatching all of code geass and then finishing utena................ im just going to sit my ass down and bingewatch all that shit

im tired

i was looking thru code geass season 2 for the scene where suzaku straight up admits to being lelouch’s kismesis and tells CC to step up her moirail game and in the process i wound up watching a bunch of other scenes where schneizel is talking about how he let lelouch literally massacre half the world because he wanted public support to launch his own project, damocles, an orbital satellite that could remotely nuke anyone who opposed schneizel, and the entire finale is just two visionaries with their views of how the world should be playing on the biggest scale

i forgot how HARD this anime went and also how stupid it can be and i forgot how much of myself is wrapped up in this anime

the relentless sense of humor of this show both taking their characters seriously and also making relentless fun of them at other times, being unafraid to be absolutely campy and stupid at the most ridiculous times. like there’s a fucking ninja maid and also orenji-kun exists and look, man, when ur going thru hard shit, you need characters who can make you laugh, but i in particular needed and still do need characters that actually have substance, that actually suffer, because what’s the fucking point of the comedy if they can’t relate to you on the shitty levels either

relationships that were complicated powerplays and messy affairs and were weirdly really empowering because i got to see love stories that were genuinely equal in terms of power and cohesive despite anger and negative emotions. i’m talking about suzaku and lelouch

themes and abstract ideas that were put into really obvious, beat-you-over-the-head metaphors but i NEEDED that developmentally, i needed shit to be put into literal obvious terms like lelouch dressing up like a fucking chess piece, and i had a BLAST with taking all these concrete realizations of abstract themes and really letting all those concrete metaphors serve as a gateway to the abstract ideas. it literally served as the bridge from me being a concrete thinker to an abstract thinker

whole BUNCH of gender issues of being nonbinary and always feeling weird about being “cis” and really enjoying all the different ways that every character played their gender role but ultimately IDing with the most androgynous characters always always always. the longer lelouch’s/suzaku’s hair got and the more feminine their wardrobes became, the happier i was

i absolutely had a baby lesbian crush on cornelia and i did not realize. now i have an adult lesbian crush on cornelia

i am certain this show did not impact my body image well and it continues to be a terrible influence to this day and that’s that on that

i have all the art books because my ex bought them all on trips to japan, literally like 500+ dollars worth of merchandise of this fucking show because she kept trying to buy my attention to make up for her failing mental health and it was uncomfortable for everyone but what was i going to do ????? i was like 15, 16 when that started happening??? what did i know about how a depressed bisexual throws half a thousand dollars at you to buy your attention????? it makes me uncomfortable to this day, looking at those books full of all the characters and plotlines i used to figure out my own relationships and queer feelings and terrible tendencies as a person and as a relationship partner, and knowing that my fucking EX had given those things to me

the sheer unrepentant amorality of the show; the show is absolutely obsessed with the idea of good and evil and yet never manages to ever hit one or the other cleanly; everyone winds up some mixture of the two by the end and in high pressure performance schools and athletics??? where your entire worth is dependent on “did you do good or bad”--that grey space is everything, bitch; the grey space was the only breath of free air i had for years; the grey space defined my young teen thoughts on morality and opened me up to the complexities and nuances of adult life in a way that i could understand

how the characters in code geass are both great and terrible simultaneously and these things can co-exist!!!! how lelouch is a destructive person who eventually came to lean into his tendencies, to embrace them and bend them in a way that could be used for good, that the point isn’t to become some else entirely but to become someone who is even more distinctly you, a stronger flavor of you, a you that’s worth being instead of trying to be someone else entirely

more than any other fandom, code geass was a lawless place that gave no shits about any sort of purity culture because, weirdly enough, most fandom interactions for code geass happened on the kink meme, if any of yall still remember that--the livejournal comment forums where people anonymously prompted kinky ideas and writers anonymously filled the prompts and usually wound up telling absolutely insanely detailed AUs and genuinely good character divergence fics or even canon compliant fics and let me tell you a lot of those prompts were absolutely trigger warning MAYHEM from the get go and a lot of the fills made them even darker--or crackier, depending--and that was essentially the fandom culture where i was raised, yall lied about your age and yall lied about your identity and yall never brought that shit out into the daylight and oh also that was where all the terrible awful worst whump was, the whump that hurts real good

i learned how good fanfiction could be in the code geass fandom because the bones of code geass are good but so much of the execution is a fucking trashfire, and fanfiction authors picked what was good and made something better, newer, even something that made the show itself better and newer, things that connected thematically in ways that blew my 10th grade brain, and i still have fanfiction saved from the ff.n account mikomi’s pen because i had an actual religious experience reading the fool ascendant, watching the way that the author took the structural elements of code geass and made high fucking art out of it

even back in the day when people hated suzaku because “he’s wrong obviously!!!!!! he should have joined the revolution, he needs to shut up and stop being stupid” he meant a lot to me because, like, i was 14 or 15 and not in a great way and here was this guy on-screen who actively wanted to die and was going about it in the most roundabout way, and the whole show is full of characters who want to die but physically can’t, characters who want to die but are ashamed to admit it, characters who want to die but can’t let themselves; here’s this guy who was absolutely certain to his very core that there was something deeply wrong with him and the only way to eradicate it was to repent through a meaningful death--and then you contrast suzaku with someone like LELOUCH who has the FUCKING BALLS, THE ABSOLUTE NERVE to just start an entire revolution because he just DOESN’T LIKE THE WAY SHIT’S HAPPENING, he literally has no stake in japan tbh he’s a white guy with money HE’S JUST SO FUCKING ARROGANT THAT HIS TERRIBLE ASS DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO REDESIGN THE WHOLE WORLD LIKE IT’S HGTV, LIKE HE OWNS THE WORLD TO DO IT. THE CONFIDENCE. THE SWAGGER. THE ABSOLUTE CHARISMA. SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD AND LELOUCH WALKED INTO ANY ROOM LIKE HE OWNED THE PLACE AND HE DID BECAUSE HE SAID SO and his insane sheer amount of energy, motivation, his convictions, how much this guy wanted to be alive because he had shit to do, the confidence that blew straight past arrogance into megalomania, the way he handles power like he’s entitled to it--and having them come to understand each other and work together--look, man, the series literally ends with lelouch giving suzaku a reason to live and i think, personally, that’s what all of us were doing when we saw lelouch on screen, that was the essence of the charisma that lelouch had; you felt like you could soak up his vision and drive and furious energy and sheer will to live just by being around him, and, like, i needed to see that, i personally needed to soak up that will to live and lelouch’s confidence and absolute asshole disregard for what he might be “worthy” of or “deserving” of in the way that suzaku and CC did. i needed to see that connection between those two people, the person who wanted to die and the person who couldn’t live enough, and obviously i didn’t consciously know that it was possible for a single person to go from being one to being the other but that’s what code geass showed me and that’s what code geass made real because even if lelouch is not real, that vitality that you feel from watching his absolutely bonkers plans on screen is 100% real

this anime and the fandom around were the handholds i needed to drag myself through the process of becoming a person when so much of my life and my brain was on absolute fire, and i dont think i really hit a brainspace that i could consider good until about maybe 8 months ago but by god, i really dont know what i would have done with myself if i hadnt had code geass during the time of my life when i did. those characters were the tools and playsets i used to make myself. those characters kept me alive.