#fuck off tuchel

[sluttyvroomballs]

Tuchel have you ever heard of "Playing our most experienced player because the opposition team is also good"? Because I can definitely assure you, you haven't. And it might seem crazy what I am about to say, but that strategy is fire.

[sluttyvroomballs]

Literally me every milli milli milli second of my life 🥰

[ronsenthal]

im so fucking upset and sad lmao what a stupid idea it was to let 22 men chasing a fucking ball dictate my mood

[uniteds]

part 2 of stuff that happened in the 2022/2023 football season that should send us into a coma but we’re too desensitized:

for part one go here.

1. the bayern board deciding to sack nagelsmann before the most important game of their season because he showed up to work on a skateboard

2. related: nagelsmann finding out he was sacked through social media while he was away on a ski trip

3. also related: nagelsmann getting dumped the same weekend he lost his job. 

4. todd boehly getting advice on what to do with chelsea from james corden (known west ham fan) and hiring frank lampard

5. tuchel and conte fight

6. the ghana coach taking a selfie with heung min son while son is sobbing after losing in the World Cup

7. the five minutes where both spain and germany were out of the World Cup

8. mourinho being in (and being sampled in!) stormzy’s music video

9. psg’s director of football going down to the field to curse them out

10. aguero turning up to the world cup celebrations in a full kit 

11. the pope summoning atletico madrid’s physio all the way to the vatican to treat him

12. arsenal bottling the title (2023 version)

13. rebekah vardy tried to trademark the phrase wagatha christie

14. luis enrique saying ferran torres will never play football again if he did the pacifier celebration after scoring

15. jose saying the only club he doesn’t have any feelings for is tottenham hotspur

16. mason mount having a stalker

17. jack grealish discovered what a camel is

18. the saudi team getting new cars during the World Cup

19. cho gue sung telling ronaldo to fuck off and then getting flooded with marriage proposals 

20. the princess of spain having a crush on gavi

21. luton town promoted so now you have to walk through some guy’s garden to get to their stadium

22. the gio reyna and gregg berhalter usmnt saga

23. the pogba/mbappe witch doctor saga

24. ac milan sacked maldini and now the players all wanna leave

25. conte’s press conference where he basically said “it’s the history of the tottenham” 

26. barcelona winning the league at espanyol and then the espanyol fans chasing the barca players off the pitch

27. the one pitch invader who pushed eddie howe

28. ac milan having to answer to their ultras after a match

29. calum wilson and antonio laughing at richarlison for flopping

30. klopp doing his hamstring and adding to liverpool’s injury problems

[liesmyth]

@takiki16 tags on my post are too good not to be shared! The context is wild shit that legit happened in IRL football ⚽ that I need the Ted Lasso fandom to be aware of, because it'd make for excellent fic material:

the MANAGERS #the PERSONAL DRAMA#I KNOW that ted lasso is not designed to be an actual realistic show #I KNOW that this whole thing did in fact begin as a way to soft trap Americans into watching the Prem #to the point that JOSE FUCKING MOURINHO ACTUALLY HAD A PART IN THE ORIGINAL NBC AD #I do NOT want to change the vibe of the show at all #(but like…a dramedy about the EPL that REALLY wanted to roast some fuckers would perhaps…NOT look like ted lasso #if they wanted to start with the managers it would just be two middle aged idiots with BOILING beef #who had to be physically restrained from throwing hands every other game and have personally destroyed each others’ marriages

Okay WHO would Roy have managerial beef with. I vote Arteta. Actually as @elizabear suggests, it's funnier if it's one sided

He would also instinctively dislike Rob Edwards of Luton because Jamie once said he's the hottest manager in the EPL. Roy's annoyed and he doesn't know why. (Rob Edwards is very hot)

For an example of managers throwing hands... the Tuchel/Conte handshake

In fact here's a whole compilation of managers throwing hands.

Thank you for bringing up Mourinho! This is his ad, btw. "What do you WANT Ted?" lives in my mind rent-free

After much soul-searching I've decided Roy likes Mou a lot among all the managers he's played for. YES, he is a total cunt BUT

he's really fucking funny about it. Like, really.

he's never met a referee he didn't have beef with but most of all Anthony Taylor (as a Roma fan I have to agree with him on that)

the entire 2005 Chelsea team would've died for him. I've said this before, but there can't be a Frank Lampard in TL if Roy plays the box-to-box midfielder role, so this quote about Mourinho walking into Lampard naked in the shower to give him a pep talk? That's Roy. To me.

I can't even pick a quote among all the shit he's said about all the managers he's played against, but I especially enjoy when he used to be a bitch about Pep and Pep was like "I don't know her." It was like a one-sided crush dating back from their Barca days

#if they wanted it to be about the players the literal sky is the limit. WHATEVER the writers room can come up with#it cannot come CLOSE to the batshit drama that real Sockckckckcer Playahs have amongst each other#also intricate rituals. NOT ENOUGH INTRICATE RITUALS#when Jamie scored that free kick after getting permission to be a prick Dani should have kissed him with tongue

Here's some homoeroticism:

#but TO COME BACK TO OP’S POINT ABOUT ACTUAL GAMEPLAY#I want to see Coach Roy get red carded and have to sit in the stands for the next game cursing and swearing

He'd get, like, 3 red cards a season MINIMUM. Mourinho who. Here's Klopp losing it a bit. Here's Pep being passive aggressive as fuck. Pochettino from 2 days ago. Also from last weekend: De Zerbi's "I don't like 80% of referees in England" he's so right for this.

Manager Roy would get himself red carded the week before Richmond play Chelsea away. Totally accidental. So he doesn't have to have a lil cry about it.

#I want to see what it would take to get Zoreaux sent off#and then they have to stick Bumbercatch in goal and it turns out he has some Hyper Specific Phobia about the situation#he manages to save the team but his coping mechanisms for dealing with Forcible Keeper Phobia make up the comedy B-plot of the episode#

I want CLUB RIVALRY. dunno where Richmond actually physically is but imagine if they had derbies#Ted has to be made to understand that no coach - for THIS game we will not stop till we see BLOOD#Richmond wins but bc they are playing away the home fans actively are tossing crap at them as they celebrate on the pitch#also the sprinklers come on and it’s a bus full of soaked greyhounds on the ride home

They're in West London! Maybe they just fucking hate Fulham. Or Brentford.

Actually, I've thought long and hard about Richmond's derby rivalries. Semi-canon sources say they have a bit of a West London rivalry with Brentford BUT to me it doesn't make much sense because Richmond are supposed to have been mid-table in the Prem for years, top-flight but mediocre. Brentford only made it to the Prem in 2021.

Actually, I've decided that Richmond kind of take the place of QPR for most of their history, except they didn't get relegated when QPR did. This is because 1) it'd be too many London-based clubs otherwise but, more importantly, 2) when Man City won their first title in 2012 with Agueeeeeero!!! that was against Richmond. It's funny, To Me.

Also you know Roy still fucking hates Newcastle from his Sunderland academy days. If his pundit career had lasted longer he'd be having top tier shithousery with Alan Shearer every week about it.

Anyway here's a whole youtube playlist about WILD derbies.

#ALSO BC SUAREZ IS COMING TO MIAMI - BITING INCIDENTS CAN THEY DO THAT

As an Italian I am legally obliged to SAY that if Suarez hadn't bitten Chiellini at the World Cup we would have gone past the group stage because Uruguay scored off a corner they won while Italy were all busy telling the ref that there was a fucking cannibal on the pitch. I don't forgive and I don't forget.

Anyway for context: cannibal Luis Suarez. He's a repeat offender. Someone at Richmond would think it was very funny

[leonsliga]

Don't worry, I understand perfectly that you get emotional when your favourite player who you have a special connection with isn't nominated. Euros at home is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity for players and it sucks to be left out.

I just think that Leon's strength nowadays is being box to box midfielder who plays best in a defensive set-up, but not when you need your midfielder to quickly progress the ball up the pitch. When you look at who Nagelsmann nominated, it's clear he wants to play in a double pivot with Kroos/Pavlovic as an attacking midfielder and Gross/Andrich as a defensive midfielder. Leon is in an unfortunate position because he's jack of all trades, master of none type of midfielder right now. Tuchel choosing to start Pavlovic instead of Leon against Real Madrid, our most important game of the season, must have been the final nail in the coffin.

Leon isn't competing with Ilkay Gündogan for his spot. Gündogan will be playing in Thomas Müller's usual position as a #10.

I was surprised as well that Mats Hummels wasn't called up. I think the explanation was that Mats is too outspoken and wouldn't accept a back-up role. I've never played any sports professionally and I don't know how it is, but I think it it's possible that having too many leading players can be a bad thing. Too many cooks in the kitchen etc. Especially when a leading player is third choice in his position. Very unfortunate for Mats of course, he's had a very good season. And it must sting to watch Toni Kroos, Thomas Müller and Manuel Neuer from 2014 all getting a callup. Mats is better than Schlotterbeck on paper but I think Nagelsmann thought that Schlotti will accept his role in the squad more easily and Schlotti is a defender for the future. He needs big tournament experience for 2026. Plus Dortmund has played a low block and counter attacking football most of the season which plays to Mats' strengths, but Nagelsmann is going for more attacking based set-up where speed is more important.

As for Manu, he's simply the GOAT and improves any team he plays for. I don't think anyone would deny his incredible mental resilience. But I do think that it gets a little silly when people start saying that he should spurn the dfb and Nagelsmann for not worshipping the ground he walks on and that Nagelsmann doesn't rate him when he clearly does. Nags wouldn't have patched up their relationship and called him up otherwise. Nagelsmann has said many times that Manu is the clear starter even tho Manu missed the march games with an injury and hasn't played in the dfb since dec 2022. Nobody else in the squad has been given that much leeway. I doubt Nagelsmann would have taken Manu's armband away, but because Hansi Flick already did then it would have been silly to reverse the decision so soon and basically say fuck you to Gündogan.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’re the anon I sent an entire master’s dissertation to the other day 😂 if it’s you, welcome back! And thanks for reading all that omg 😅 I’m glad I didn’t scare you off too much lol.

You raise some excellent points as well. This is why I love footyblr, because we’ve all got different views and takes on news like this, and it’s interesting to hear everyone’s perspectives.

I definitely agree with you on Leon’s role these days. He functions best as he always has—as a box-to-box midfielder—but recently, thanks in large part to Bayern’s current structure under Tuchel, his duties lie more in assisting the defense and helping with the buildup than they do in the attacking third (though he still helps out there when needed). Personally, I think Nagelsmann’s aiming for a Kroos/Andrich midfield pivot with Groß and Pavlović in reserve, but we’ll have to keep an eye on what develops as the Euros draw nearer.

Personal emotions/vested interest aside, for as much as Leon’s greatest strength is his versatility, it’s also his biggest weakness right now, at least as far as Nagelsmann is concerned. After all, it can make him harder to pin down/lock into a role than most, as you suggested. When you can adapt to variety of positions, the issue becomes where you can play best, and I can definitely see how that’s become muddled to some extent recently.

With Leon’s jack-of-all-trades skill set, you could argue he was competing with a variety of players for his spot, depending on where and how Nagelsmann would’ve wanted to use him. That said, I think his stiffest competition was in Groß and Kroos (though I still disagree with excluding Leon, but I’m pretty sure you know that already lol 🤷‍♀️). I think when I discussed Gündogan recently on this blog with one of my mutuals, we were saying that it was impressive that Leon’s goal contributions rival his, considering that Leon operates more defensively these days, despite retaining his role as a CM.

Honestly, I’ve got no issues with Gündogan (I’m a little hung up on the captaincy thing, but I don’t blame him for that); I think my concern is with him assuming Thomas’s role as #10. I understand that Ilkay is the captain now and Thomas is getting older, but Thomas has proven, despite reduced playing time under Tuchel, that he’s still extremely valuable, especially when given the time and freedom to play his game. If I’m honest, it concerns me how quick Nagelsmann was to confirm he won’t be a starter, and it’s hard not to feel, at least to some extent, like he’s being paraded around as some sort of figurehead, even if he’ll still get some playing time. I don’t think that kind of treatment is fair to Thomas—not when he has so much left to offer the team on the pitch as well as off it.

I’m glad I’m not alone in being shocked Mats was left behind 😅 nothing against Koch, but I’m sorry; he’s not better than Hummels. Plain and simple. End of. I’m being a bit dramatic here, but Nagelsmann excluding Mats was genuinely one of the more questionable roster decisions I’ve seen in recent memory, even more baffling than Leon’s absence.

I see your point about Mats’s outspokenness; he certainly can be, but I feel like at least as far as the Euros have been concerned, he’s been fairly tight-lipped. I understand what you mean about the stubbornness as well, but I think at the end of the day, if it came down to him sacrificing a position in the starting XI for the benefit of the team, he would do it in a heartbeat. He’s a self-assured player, sure, but he’s not selfish. He’s a team player above everything.

As far as whether too many leading players can be a bad thing, like you, I haven’t played a sport professionally and can’t speak to that in any definitive way, but I’d imagine that while it can be a bad thing, it doesn’t have to be. In my mind, it comes down to the cohesion we spoke about in that previous ask. Take the 2014 World Cup, for example; the dfb had quite a few leading players at their disposal then, like Phillip Lahm, Miroslav Klose, Bastian Schweinsteiger, and Lukas Podolski (although his role was somewhat limited in the tournament itself, if I recall), to name a few. And that’s without even mentioning Manu, Mats, and Thomas, who, despite still being relatively young at the time, were already well-respected, well-established homegrown talents. I think, at the end of the day, it’s all about how everyone’s different leadership styles mesh with one another, along with how the players in their charge respond to them.

And ugh, it’s gotta feel like a gut punch for Mats, who can do little more than watch his 2014 teammates play in the Heim-EM without him. To some extent, I can put myself in Nagelsmann’s head on this one, even if I strongly disagree with him. As we’ve discussed, he values younger players and wants to develop them into replacements for some of Germany’s aging legends, which unfortunately includes our beloved Mats, despite him playing absolutely out of his mind lately. Do I completely agree with Nagelsmann’s decision to risk developing so many youth players during such a special, high-pressure Euros? No. Would I do things differently if I were in charge? Absolutely. But I’m not, and given that in most matches, Germany likely won’t be playing low like Dortmund and will operate more on the offensive, demanding a bit more speed in the process, I can understand to a degree why Nagelsmann made the calls he did—‘to a degree’ being the operative phrase here.

While speed isn’t exactly Mats’s strong suit, and his knack for long balls and well-timed tackles do favor a counter-attack, we’ve also seen the damage he can do in the attacking third, in spite of his comparatively slower speed—his magnificent header against PSG in the second leg of the UCL semifinal being the most recent example. It’s just that considering the form Mats is in, it seems foolish not to take him, even if he wouldn’t start under Nagelsmann’s current system. Practicing a degree of tactical flexibility and being willing to make adjustments based on the opposition you’re dealing with is important as a manager. With certain opponents, it’s better to lie in wait and go on the counterattack, and like you said, matches like these are right in Mats’s wheelhouse. Save him for them, and in all honesty, he and his body will probably thank you, given he is getting older.

Additionally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out how Nagelsmann decided to call four goalkeepers as opposed to fortifying what’s been a historically shaky defense (at least in recent years). Yes, he has a chance to fix this, as his current shortlist consists of 27 players as opposed to 26, but if the reports are to be believed (though I should note here I make it a rule of thumb to take bild’s reports with a grain of salt), all 4 goalkeeper spots are safe, which, when you have goalkeepers like Manu and Ter-Stegen in your ranks, seems completely excessive in my opinion.

And last but not least, since we’re now on the topic of goalkeepers, let’s talk Manu, because god knows I haven’t talked long enough at this point 😵😂

An anon of culture, I see! I totally agree that Manu’s the GOAT, but I think my opinions on him probably go without saying lmao. The fact that he’s been through as much as he has—Schalke turning its back on him, Bayern ultras initially rejecting him (see: the “koan neuer” incident), getting diagnosed with cancer, and enduring several potentially career-ending injuries, just to name a few—and has managed to rise above it all is truly inspiring.

I understand why it can seem silly at times when some of us Manu fan footyblrians say certain things about him and the dfb. But this is footyblr we’re talking about here; no one has ever accused us of being normal (and that goes for me too ofc; I’m certainly not normal, as I’m sure you can tell 😅). We’re all a little weird here (deeply affectionate). More often than not, it’s all stemming from a combination of frustration at the situation and feelings of protectiveness towards Manu. Hell, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve crossed the line between a simple parasocial relationship into hero worship a time or two. I think the important thing that we can all agree on is that it’s unequivocally good news that Manu and Nagelsmann have patched up their relationship and reconciled their differences. You make a good point about Hansi setting the precedent of Ilkay as captain as well, and you offer a good explanation of why Nagelsmann might be hesitant to reverse the decision so quickly. Still, I do think Manu’s got quite a bit of captain magic left in him, should he get the armband back one day 💫

If you read all this by the way, thanks 💜 I know it was a lot, and I appreciate it!

[thomas-mvller]

You know what? i support that blue card thing. Give it to tuchel so he fucks off from my sight for ten minutes

[ontargetmadders]

You know I actually kinda half agree with kane's comments. I haven't actually seen the interview so I don't know the full context tho. But of course if the players who have withdrawn are genuinely injured he shouldn't be calling them all out like that tbf. I think he should have targeted it more generally at the clubs that tell them to fake an injury when they are actually fit. Cause that definitely happens and that pisses me off. (Arsenal are the biggest culprits of that lol). But I still think the England squad should and deserve to be called out as a whole. Half of them never turn up for us and clearly prioritise their clubs and save their best performances for them. Especially the "big names". Maybe harry said it the wrong way but at least he seems to have a genuine passion to play for England and plays for the badge (despite not showing up in big games lol). I also think the big names think they're always gonna be called up regardless so they can play how they like even if it's half assed. I just hope that changes under tuchel. Cause I find myself frequently getting annoyed with how poorly they play for England and then seeing them play amazingly for their clubs a week later. But anyway these next few games should be interesting with all the new players (some of which getting their first call ups). Maybe they'll show a bit more hunger than the big names doing fuck all every england game lol

[everybodylovesmusiala]

here are my random thoughts I wrote down during todays friendly against monaco while at the stadium

Stadion speaker butchering names

Most fans in the stadium: gnabry, musiala

Sarr shirt on a fan lol

Serge very tiny

Leon's fall seemed painful, but it was kinda  his fault

Laimer leader, future captain (?)

Laimer verrrrryy defensive, but high work rat

Corners bad, GET BETTER

More shooting less passing in front of goal pls

Missed 4 mins because of la ola (stadium wave)

First 20 mins good, next 10 bad

the players are Very quiet, no talking except for ulle and serge (+ leroy), but pointing by laimer and jamal

Phonzy the stuntman lol

10 more second striker (jamal/serge)

Coman very fast

Leon not very captainy

Cute jamal/Paul wanner bromancy moment

Jamal off, attacking plan off.. serge and coman off, attacking plan back on (??)

Baby players more chemistry and more communication somehow

Why am i the only one actually knowing our youth players?

Mathys Tel is an angel child.. only one to come say thanks to the fans

People need to keep their damn children in check

Where the fuck was thomas tuchel, didn't see him coach once

[timoswerner]

Fuck off are the FA actually getting Tuchel in half of England fans personality is hating the Germans we can’t have one managing us hahahahaha

[sluttyvroomballs]

A few tips on how to have better mental health

Don't watch Bayern right now.

Be a Carlos Sainz fan.

Don't have a appendix.

Remove all your anger on Thomas Tuchel.

Be a CSK fan.

Or the best option, find that AK-47 in your backyard and shove it down your throat.

[miasanmuller]

Upa saw Tuchel intended to sub him off for Dier and literally said no fuck that I lived

[ikram1909]

Okay but rma was far more threatening in attack, and even I could sense the equalizer with just a few minutes of normal time to go. Is tuchel so stupid that he thought they would be safe for that time?? You’re only one goal up, why in the world would you take off Kane?!

I wouldn't be surprised if he did that just to fuck Bayern over 😭😭 no but who to does that???

[bavarianmillionaire]

i have to speak about the benji situation because i'm so pissed about it

worth clarifying that his attitude in these past couple of days has been bugging me A LOT, dude you're at bayern fucking munich, one of the biggest clubs in the world, i understand you want to leave but you're a big boy and you can't go around throwing tantrums, you're still under contract, be fucking professional.

THAT BEING SAID, what's also pissing me off is the club's (or board's) attitude. benji had already said around EARLY MAY that he wanted to leave. tuchel was already well installed here so he can't say he didn't know. and even if benji didn't receive offers from any club, you can't plan with someone who wants to leave and that CLEARLY won't extend his contract, he might get an offer in the last days of the transfer window or during the winter transfer window. yes, offers didn't come earlier but this month already manchester united was about to sign him if it hadn't been for harry maguire who ended up not leaving. as soon as manunited backed off from signing him, inter came with an offer. though what they offered wasn't enough, the board was clearly unwilling to negotiate or wait for another better offer, because as soon as they could, they sent stani to leverkusen on loan, knowing benji could perfectly leave at any moment and only nous would remain as the only right-back. might be good to mention tuchel didn't take stani into consideration and that apparently, the transfer committee was divided between loaning him to leverkusen and making him stay. and now inter has a reasonable offer for benji, benji wants to leave and they don't allow him to because they're left without a replacement for nous. they're totally insane. they handled the situation like shit. every single party here acts totally unserious, however you look at it.

[neyxmessi]

to the last anon i’m sorry but please shut up. there’s no way you’re a long time barca and MESSI fan saying that HE is the one who messed up psg’s dynamic when it had absolutely fucking nothing to do with him. psg got messed up because mbappe’s contract was so large that they had to sell and/or loan important players like parades and di maria, hence the bums currently on psg. it has nothing to do with leo and i’m sorry but that genuinely genuinely just pissed me off. and no, barca may be doing good right now but they actually have a glaring amount of issues specifically in attack. they’re 15 points ahead because of some lucky 1-0 wins GIFTED by pedri that were lucky. they’re immensely static creatively and offensively and that’s where leo would fit in. clearly you don’t know what you’re talking about but sorry i will not have anyone dare saying or insinuating it was leo that messed up fucked up psg. it had nothing to do with him. and i find it hard to believe that any MESSI fan would say this, must be an anti in disguise because huh?

yea kylian really knew what he was doing with his contract and wage demand bc he knew psg would literally die without him LOL 😭

but definitely. tuchel leaving after PSG’s almost CL win also played a huge role for that first season. and like you said, the loaning out of players like di maria and paredes (ugh i miss them sm) caused them to for whatever reason get a bunch of bums💀 also galtier just doesn’t know what he’s doing most of the time. so I agree (and i think i made that clear hopefully from my last post) that i don’t think leo is at fault for whats going on with psg rn

and that’s a fair point too. pedri really does make a HUGE difference w Barca.

and an aside: i have to be honest that im horrible when it comes to knowing tactics so that’s what im kinda neutral when it comes to ppl arguing ab whether leo would fit back into barca or not bc im still learning 😭i don’t want it to seem like im just agreeing with everyone to be a people pleaser. i learn every day from reading stuff online and what my moots/followers tell me since my family and friends don’t watch football, so that’s why I’ve always disclaimed that when it comes to that stuff I’m not fully sure of what I’m talking ab.

[bluesmason]

The thing with Potter is that he’s so fucking weak and nice. I remember when Tuchel was here, and if Mason had a bad game, he would literally turn into a beast in the next one, but now he’s just struggling over and over again, and I know there are other factors that play a part in it, but these players still need a manager who can actually be aggressive on and off the pitch. Potter is literally standing there like quiet fucking duck. I see all the other managers yell at their players on the pitch but Potter just fucking quiet. I say this without hesitation, if Tuchel was the manager now, he would never allow this to happen, if you put any of the top managers to manage this team, none of the would let Chelsea play this bad. Potter is not the man for this club. This club is about winning trophies and win games, since he came, the high standards have gotten so low that we’re literally accepting defeat. Saying that the players did everything they could just means that he has no fucking aggression inside of him. This club has high standards, they don’t have time for patience and process. Tell me how in the world Tuchel managed to turn Chelsea into the best team in the world full of average players, and potter can’t even manage this team, full of world class players, to win a single game. I know it’s just not Potter, but he needs to be aggressive. He can’t accept these performances. My dad could do a better job than him fr

!!!