#fuck i felt so bad about that for days. he was worse at math than me

[dramatic-dolphin]

re that last post: honorable mention goes to the time the laws of mathematics changed but only where i was sitting

we were doing some statistics in class or i honestly don't even know anymore, but there was a complicated little equation. and i punched it into my calculator and it was Not the correct answer (which was on the whiteboard already)

so i said "ugh i probably put in the wrong numbers somewhere because i am chronically inattetive" because this has been happening to me since the dawn of time and was the cause of 90% of my point losses on math tests in middle school

so i did it again. and got the exact same answer again. "hey did i copy the equation correctly?" i did. i tried doing most of it by hand except for the part where i needed a calculator because i can't do square roots in my head. same answer. "hey maybe my calculator is broken" did some random equations, everything else was correct.

"ummmm professor, it's. i can't get the answer. i mean i can, but i can't, i- uh, come over here?"

i punched in the equation again. same result. "SEE? i did it all right!" and then i did it again at her request.

"hmm" the teacher said "you DID copy it over correctly and that was the right equation." "RIGHT??" i said, vindicated.

"well, keep trying." she said, and left, because she was an asshole.

i never did get the correct answer.

[lovebugism]

✶ ┄ FIX IT !

summary: you thought you were over it, the whole steve-and-nancy thing. spoiler alert: you aren't. pairing: steve harrington / f!reader word count: 3.5k warning: angst. gut wrenching angst. with a sort of happy ending. a/n: i'm such a sucker for angst it's gotta be unhealthy at this point. anyway, shout out to all my angsty fic enjoyers. let's read this and cry together <3

Having four roommates and only two bathrooms was worth it if it meant getting out of Hawkins. The apartment was a quaint little thing just outside of Indianapolis — up four flights of stairs with no elevator, cracks in the walls, and a stellar view of an alleyway.

But it was nice to have a place all your own. Sharing it with all your best friends was even better. That was the dream after all, wasn’t it? And being with Steve — that was just the cherry on top of it all.

So you weren’t going to let your mean, green, and envious heart ruin the new life you and your friends were trying to build in this tiny apartment.

You didn’t even think yourself the jealous type. Not until you realized that Steve was going to live under the same roof as his ex-girlfriend. It was dumb and it was irrational and you just couldn’t shake it.

It was probably a whole lot harder for Steve than it was for you, really. Besides, it had been years since they were together. Both of them had moved on, both of them had new and blossoming relationships.

Jonathan was good to Nancy. And to you, Steve was… well he was perfect. More importantly, he was yours. 

So it really shouldn’t bother you.

And it didn’t. Not for a while. 

Not until Nancy and Jonathan broke up out of nowhere and he’d announced to all of you on movie night that he was moving out.

He said that he missed California too much, that Argyle was getting lonely all the way out there, and that he had a spare room at his place. You couldn’t tell if that was the truth or just some bullshit excuse.

Maybe both.

What made it worse is that Nancy hadn’t seemed all that upset about it. Hell, you were more sad about him leaving than she was.

She told you as much during your weekly designated wine night (the one where you and her and Robin got drunk on cheap wine, while the rest of the boys fucked off and got drunker on cheaper beer).

“It didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would,” she’d confessed with a shrug, only slightly tipsy and cheeks pink with it. “We… drifted apart, I guess. Just felt right to end it.”

You and Robin spent the rest of the night comforting her, anyway.

She loved Jonathan, everyone knew that. It sort of came with the whole shared trauma thing. She had to be at least a little bit sad that her person was gone, but she hid it away from the rest of you like it was her job.

But when the days got really bad, and she found herself missing Jonathan more than she liked, she sought refuge in Steve. Your Steve. 

And it made sense. He knew her better than the rest of you.

But it didn’t mean it hurt any less.

A sick feeling twists in your stomach when Steve accompanies the girl on a liquor store run without her having to ask. You watch with your heart in your throat when he leaves with her in the dead of night — a swirling bubble of jealousy in the pit of your chest with an ache so palpable you can taste it.

You spend the next several minutes trying not to look as sad as you feel while Eddie can’t stop debating on what the two of them might be talking about.

Nancy had been more reserved as of late, carrying a rain cloud over her as she wandered through the apartment like a ghost — he concludes they’re just going out to spill some hot goss. Robin makes him promise to never say those string of words ever again while you quietly dismiss yourself to your bedroom.

Nancy and Steve have been gone for an hour.

Lying in the dark and staring up at the textured, water-stained ceiling, you start to do the math. Fifteen minutes there, fifteen minutes back with traffic — but the streets are usually bare after nine o’clock. Either way, that leaves a half hour spent trying to choose what alcohol to splurge on.

You’ve seen Nancy try to pick out wine, she’s indecisive and a perfectionist to boot. She could spend hours dissecting each bottle to find the perfect one, if Robin wasn’t constantly over her shoulder rushing her.

Maybe that’s why Nancy had declined when the girl offered to tag along with them.

Or maybe she just wanted to be alone with Steve—

You have to physically shake that thought from your head. But even when you shut your eyes, it’s like the image of him and Nancy making out in the back of her Station Wagon is ingrained in the depths of your mind.

You curl into yourself and bathe in the depths of the dark abyss you’ve created in your bedroom, trying to see your way out of your handcrafted turmoil like a bad cold.

When Nancy and Steve return, they come cradling paper bags in their arms like babies.

Robin relieves the latter of the load in his hands and follows the darker-haired girl into the kitchen connected to the living room, no larger than a decent-sized closet.

Steve notices the lack of your presence as soon as he walks through the door. When he’d left, the three of you were pregaming — a feat that often led to Eddie breaking out his guitar and you and him singing terribly off-key to whatever was playing on the radio.

Now you’re nowhere to be found, and he feels it like a missed meal. He feels the ache of your absence like an empty stomach.

“Where’d she go?” Steve asks Eddie, who’s lounging on the couch and taking up the entire space — legs spread and arms thrown over the back.

The curly-haired boy takes a noisy sip of his nearly gone beer. Then exhales rather dramatically when he sits the can on his thigh. It leaves a damp ring on the denim. “Hey, buddy... Just blow in from stupid town?”

“…What?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, already annoyed and knowing more than he lets on. “She’s in her room, dingus.”

“She okay?” Steve wonders with furrowed brows, uncaring of the use of the stupid nickname because there’s bigger things to worry about apparently.

It wasn’t like you to miss a night of drinking. He gets momentarily fearful that you’d gotten sick while he was away, that he wasn’t around to help you if you had.

“Why don’t you ask her?” Eddie lilts with wide eyes, like it’s a bright idea that neither of them would’ve thought of otherwise.

His sarcasm makes Steve roll his eyes, but he heeds the boy’s words anyway.

Through the short hallway and the last door on the right, he finds you in the darkness of your shared bedroom, illuminated only by the orange streetlight that filters through the blinds. You're hid beneath the covers, a little lump on the mattress. 

He idles in the doorway and waits for you to react to his presence.

You don’t.

“Hey, babe,” he greets cautiously after concluding you just hadn’t heard the door squeak open upon his arrival. “You feel okay?”

You mumble something he can’t quite make out. He takes the raised infliction as an affirmative and shifts his weight on his feet because it’s unlike you to be so one-note with him.

“Well, I, uh— I bought some of that wine you like... I couldn’t remember if you liked the blackberry or blueberry, so I ended up just getting both, you know, just in case.”

“Okay,” you respond after several agonizing seconds. Your voice sounds so fragile in the still darkness. Like he didn’t already know something was wrong.

He so desperately wants to pry but chooses to err on the side of caution for now, out of fear of turning the bad, worse.

“You wanna come down and try it with me? If you don’t like it we can always go back—”

“I’m okay,” you interrupt gently, with a tone so soft and coated with so much emotion that it makes his heart sink. You’re anything but and he knows it.

“Okay,” he nods anyway with the hope that he can pull you from this funk you’d managed to fall into. “Do you, uh… Do you want me to stay in here with you?”

He hears your deep sigh and sees the way the wad of blankets rises and falls again. A telltale sign of your annoyance. He knows then that he’s overstayed his welcome.

Your voice remains quiet but loses its kindness when you tell him: “You can do whatever you want, Steve.”

He’s hurt by the way you’re so suddenly short with him, then angered because he didn’t do anything to deserve it in the first place.

“Okay, what’s wrong with you? What did I do?”

You don’t answer. You just sigh again, the same really big, dramatic one that’s more to showcase your irritation with him than anything else.

You’re more than keen to end the conversation right there, but Steve isn’t. Not when something’s eating you away from the inside out and he can’t do anything to help you because you won’t let him. 

“Babe, c’mon. I get it, alright? You’re mad at me. Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it.”

“You can’t fix it,” you monotone, stifled beneath the covers.

“I can’t fix it?” he repeats with furrowed brows. “What do you mean, I can’t fix it?”

You use your silence as an answer, as a weapon. It’s almost worse than any silver-tongued reply you could've given him. The quiet forces him to think for himself and imagine all the things he could’ve done wrong that he can’t take back. It feels like quicksand.

Did he forgot to kiss you good morning? Of course, he didn’t — actually, he gets mad at you for forgetting — and you were golden before he left. Eddie probably said something stupid, that was likely. Or maybe Robin made a joke that upset you, that was even more likely. 

He figures it’s something in between all those. Something silly that feels like the end of the world. He can make it better. He always makes it better.

Steve lifts the lump of covers you shield yourself with and crawls beneath them with the intention of pulling you out of the void you’ve sunken into.

It’s not so comfortable, lying in bed in socks and jeans and a collared shirt, but he doesn’t need to feel good right now — you do. He’ll be content if he can just hold you in his arms for a couple of hours, the rest of the night if that’s what you need.

But he can’t even do that.

He reaches for your arm, fingers just barely trailing across the warm skin there, and you jerk away from him like he’s shocked you.

It startles him, how quick you are to avoid him. It has him jerking back too, because you’ve never denied him the opportunity to touch you. He becomes the same sort of storm cloud that you are now, because he doesn’t know what he did to deserve this. Any of it.

“Why are you doing this?” he asks you, less soft than he’d been before.

You sniffle. “I told you I didn’t want you going out alone with Nancy anymore,” you mumble, face still shoved into your pillow. The words are slightly muffled but he can hear the tears that coat your voice. 

“That’s what this is about?” he wonders, not as empathetic as you’d hoped he might be, but genuinely confused. With your back to him, you don’t see the smile pulling at his lips while he shakes his head, like it’s funny to him. “Babe, we were just getting drinks. It’s no different than you going out with Robin.”

“It’s totally different! Because I was never in love with Robin. She was never in love with me—”

“Well, I beg to differ,” he murmurs in a soft laugh.

“It’s not funny, Steve,” you retort wetly and then sniffle again. When you turn to face him, he sees for the first time what he’s done to you.

The orange of the streetlight lamp outside bathes you in a sunset shade of neon — your eyes are glassy with tears that gather at your lashes. Emotions glow at the tip of your nose and your cheeks. Your skin would be hot to the touch if he felt you now.

“Do you know how weird it is for me? To watch my boyfriend and his ex go fuck around with me?” you ask him with a scrunched nose and brows, like your trying to keep yourself from falling apart in front of him.

“It’s not like that and you know it,” Steve scolds. “She just wanted to get alcohol for tonight and had some shit to get off her chest. I mean, she’s been having a really hard time lately—”

“It’s not your job to take care of her, Steve!” you shout before you even realize you’re shouting. You take in a shuddered breath and let it out in a trembling sigh, shining eyes flitted away from him and towards the ceiling as you calm yourself down.

When you start your lament again, you’re quieter.

“You can’t just be this, like, emotional crutch for her every single time something’s wrong. She’ll just get invested in you all over again and…”

Steve watches from beside you, propped up on his elbow, as you trail off. The frown between your eyebrows deepens, a great and inquisitive crevice, while your eyes widen and your mouth falls softly agape — like you’ve discovered something in the midst of your rant.

“Is— Is that what you want?” you ask him then. “Do you, like, need her attention to feed your ego or something?”

He’s too offended by your words to tell you all the ways they aren’t true. “What? No! Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s embarrassing, Steve.”

“What is?”

“Watching you and her together!” you admit through a tightening throat. You rise from where you’d been laying down and Steve follows you, settling in front of you as you wrap your arms around your knees. “When I have to sit here, by myself, while you guys spend time alone. When she always knows what you’re up to, and I don’t—”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes quietly, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

“—It’s not fair. She’s not your girlfriend, Steve, I am. It’s your job to take care of me, not her.”

Steve deflates like a popped balloon. His chin falls to his chest and his eyes squeeze shut at the weight of your words.

It’s like you’re reminding him that he’s supposed to be in love with you and not someone he cared for a long time ago. Like you felt the need to remind him because you thought he’d forgotten somewhere down the line.

It hurts him too. It feels like you’ve got his heart in your hands and you're wringing it in your grip.

“You’re right,” Steve concedes with a nod. “I just... I guess, I never thought about it like that.”

He feels the same way, too, sometimes. When you and Eddie go all buddy-buddy mode and want to spend time together.

When you’re out all night with him at band practice. When you’re attached at the hip and having sleepovers in his room to talk about everything and nothing for hours until you fall asleep when the sun rises. When you both come down at one in the afternoon the next day for breakfast, giggling about the thing you said the night before.

It makes him feel like he’s missing out. Like you’re sharing parts of yourself with someone else and he isn’t allowed to see it.

And sometimes he gets irrational — keeps himself up all night as he imagines you and Eddie making out on his floor after going through all his new tapes or fucking in his unmade bed while he keeps a hand on your mouth to keep you quiet.

Steve concocts waking nightmares for himself whenever you’re not beside him.

But even then, it’s different. Because he used to do all that shit with Nancy. They fell in love, made out for hours because they didn’t want to stop feeling each other, had sex on a twin-sized bed and tried to keep from falling out of it while they did.

You’d never done that shit with Eddie — or with anyone you’re now sharing a home with. Besides Steve.

Because he’s yours now. And you’re his.

But you can’t stop thinking about how he used to be Nancy’s too.

“I don’t need you to tell me that I’m right,” you murmur with the childlike shake of your head, slow and lazy, as you wipe your wet cheek on your shoulder. “I need you to do something about it— I needed you to do something about it a long time ago.”

“I will, okay? I will. I promise. I’ll fix it,” Steve assures you quickly, with wide and hopeful eyes and a nodding head that makes his hair flop against his forehead.

He can see you losing hope in front of him, like a flame going slowly out. You’re slipping away. He keeps fighting to keep a hold of you.

“No.”

“…No?”

“You can’t,” you sniffle. “You can’t fix it.”

“Baby—”

“It’s not fair. To either of us,” you tell him, looking at him through clumped together lashes and heavy, sparkling eyes. “And it’s not your fault, okay? But I can’t keep feeling this like. It’s not healthy— this isn’t… this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. It shouldn’t feel like this.”

Steve blinks back stinging tears. He brings his hand to his face and rubs the back of it against his burning nose. He feels a bit like you do now, hopeless. You’re slipping away and he is too and you both just keep on slipping, just going going going.

“You’re not even—” he clears his throat when his voice breaks halfway through. “You’re not even gonna let me try?”

You shrug weakly. Tears burn as they gather at your waterline. You revel in the sting because it’s better than the hole ripping through your chest.

“I don’t know. I think… I think it’s too late.”

“Why would you say that?” Steve agonizes with the shake of his head, looking like a wounded puppy as he gaze at you with brown eyes full of hurt. “Don’t say that. Don’t.”

“Steve—”

“No,” he interjects firmly, stopping the spiral before it can start again.

He positions himself so he’s sitting further ahead of you and holds your arms in his numbing hands, ducking down to catch your gaze when you try to look away from him.

“I love you, okay? I’m an idiot and I’m sorry and I'm stupid, alright? I wasn’t thinking. But we can’t just… It’s not too late. I can fix this. I promise I can fix this.”

Your chest aches at his plea, at the way he still doesn’t understand.

It’s not his fault you feel this way, not entirely. It’s not anyone’s fault and that’s what’s so scary. There’s no one to blame the pain on, no root to cut out and put an end to it. You’re frightened that it’s always going to be there, constantly in the way, forbidding either of you from ever moving on.

“Steve...” you murmur through tears while the boy gathers you in his arms. You try to stop him but your voice gets caught in your throat halfway through. Because you don’t want him to stop. Not ever.

He nurses you into his velvet hold, wrapping a pair of strong arms around you to cage you against him. He presses his nose into your temple while he rocks you back and forth. “I promise. Everything’s okay. I’ll fix it.”

He repeats that like a mantra while you keep your head pressed against his chest — everything’s gonna be okay, I can fix it, I love you.

It’s a promise. One that he’d rather die than break. 

You stay there, curled against his chest, while dark feelings ebb and flow in a constant and bitter cycle.

You hope he’s right. That these big feelings are just big stupid feelings that'll pass come the pink and blue sunrise. That everything really is going to be okay and that he really can fix it. 

Because even now, all hopeless and full of doom and gloom, you feel soothed in his hold. You’ve never felt safer anywhere else. You’ve built a home in the peace of Steve’s arms and you want to keep on living in them.

“I’m gonna make it better,” he whispers against the crown of your head. If you’ll let me.

He feels you nod lazily against him. “Okay.”

[youcouldmakealife]

Outtake: Robbie, Saul, confessional

This didn't fit in with SAIT, because it cannot be Robbie&Saul Hour 24/7 (though why not???) but I kept at this scene even after I cut the beginnings of it. So!

Takes place right around part 43 of still always in tandem.

“Could I get all Catholic on you for a second?” Robbie says. “Feel free to say no.”

Saul smiles. “If you’d like,” he says.

“You’re not Catholic, are you,” Robbie says.

“No,” Saul says.

“Do you know how confession works?” Robbie asks.

“Everything I know has been gathered from television and film,” Saul says. “Which I imagine isn’t particularly accurate.”

“I mean, it’s not so different,” Robbie says with a shrug. “Some places have modernized, but if your church is old school, you get the stuffy box you see in all the movies.”

Robbie got the stuffy box. Could be worse, though — some of them, you have to sit right across from the priest, look him in the eye as you recite your sins. Give Robbie the confessional any day.

“So you sit in a box,” Robbie says. “and you tell a dude all your secrets, and then they give you homework to do.”

Saul smiles.

“I know,” Robbie says. “Sounds familiar, huh?”

“A little,” Saul says.

“But you know what happens after you do your homework?” Robbie asks. “You perform your acts of contrition, say all your Hail Marys and Our Fathers?”

“Tell me,” Saul says, even though TV and movies probably told him at least that much.

“Poof,” Robbie says. “You’re absolved of your sins. Just like that. As far as God’s concerned, it’s like you never sinned at all.”

“And how do you feel about that?” Saul asks, even though how Robbie felt about that probably leaked through loud and clear.

“Better that than the religions that tell you that you could live a perfect life and still go to hell just because you live somewhere too remote for their missionaries, I guess,” Robbie says. “But me and the Vatican have a bit of a different opinion on what’s a sin, you know? Fuck knows I’m not walking into my ma’s church like, ‘hi, me again, still gay as ever, lay them Hail Marys on me’. Wouldn’t even work, if I’m not repentant about it, and I’m not.”

“I always thought that it was all kind of a cop out,” Robbie continues. “Like, okay, you can do whatever bad shit you want, and you know you can go get rid of all of it, wipe the slate clean on Sunday. Kill a dude on Saturday and you and God are good on Monday morning because you recited some magic words. What’s the point of telling people not to sin if they can just get absolved right after they do? Okay, I cheat on my math test, I tell Father Brian about it, and he tells me to do ten Hail Marys, and I get an A. Pretty good deal all around, isn’t it?”

“I sense a ‘but’,” Saul says.

“I think I missed the point, a bit,” Robbie says.

“What point is that?” Saul asks.

“The part where the whole deal only works if you actually regret it,” Robbie says. “Like, I kind of did — even as a teenager I knew confessing about a crush on my science partner wasn’t going to do shit, and not just because Father Brian definitely knew it was me in there, and I sure as shit didn’t trust him not to tell my father, supposed seal of confession or not. And even if I did, I’d just be back there next week, confessing the exact same thing, and yeah, I couldn’t help it, but I wasn’t ashamed of it either, you know?”

“But I was sort of — if I can’t help it, how’s it supposed to be a sin, you know? Why’s God setting people up to fail like that?” Robbie asks.

Saul’s quiet.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, wouldn’t exactly be God’s first rodeo, would it?” Robbie says.

Saul smiles. "No," he says, then, “Why are you telling me about the confessional?”

Robbie shrugs. “Just something I was thinking about, I guess.”

“Do you have something to confess?” Saul asks.

“I mean, not really,” Robbie says. “At least no more than the usual shit.”

“Something you feel guilty about?” Saul asks.

Robbie looks down at his hands, rubbing a split knuckle, and thinks. “No more than the usual shit,” he repeats, and it rings a little false, but not false enough to make him feel like Saul struck true.

Saul’s quiet for a moment. “Are you the one in the confessional?”

“What?” Robbie scoffs. “As opposed to you?”

“I don’t mean here in this room,” Saul says. “Or even the confessional itself, necessarily.”

Robbie snorts. “What, the confessional’s a metaphor?”

“You’re the one who brought it up,” Saul says gently.

“I don’t know,” Robbie says, pressing his fingers together. “Just something I’ve been thinking about lately.”

“Since Cleveland?” Saul asks, and Robbie looks up from his hands.

“When was the last time you went to confession, Robbie?” Saul asks.

“High school,” Robbie says. “I haven’t since high school. I tell you that I went to a Catholic boy’s school? Shit’s practically part of the curriculum. Wouldn’t have even been surprised they had graded me on my sins too.”

“Since high school,” Saul echoes, and Robbie can practically hear the rest filled in, even without Saul saying it — you haven’t been in a confessional since high school, but you just happen to be thinking about it, half a lifetime later, as you get to round one-hundred and whatever of the unforgivable.

“A bit on the nose as far as metaphors go,” Robbie tells his hands, and when he looks up at Saul he’s smiling even more gently than before, so gently Robbie kind of hates him for it.

[ultrone]

✶ 𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 ꒱

synopsis. u steal ur girlfriend's sweatshirt

cw. no pronouns, just fluff & amber being moody

wc. 1.2k

Amber woke up to her alarm ringing, and as she rubbed her sleepy eyes, she realized it was Monday morning. She let out a deep sigh, knowing that it would be a long day at school. As she exited her bed, she glanced at her closet, searching for her favourite sweatshirt. But to her dismay, it wasn't there.

"Where the fuck is it?" Amber muttered to herself.

She had to find it, she just had to. It was the one that you had given her as a present, and ever since you told her how much you loved it on her, it had become her absolute favourite. She searched through her closet again, hoping that it would magically appear. She even checked her drawers, under her bed, and in her laundry basket, but still no luck. Amber felt a wave of frustration building inside her as she realized that she might have to go to school without it.

"Ugh, why does this always happen to me?" Amber groaned as she pulled out a plain black hoodie from her closet. It wasn't the end of the world, she reminded herself. It was just a sweatshirt. But it was the one you gave her, damn it, and she wanted to wear it.

She checked the time on her phone and realized that she was already running late. With a resigned sigh, Amber slipped on the black hoodie and headed out the door.

Amber found herself struggling to concentrate in class, feeling bored and disinterested. To make matters worse, she had already started her morning off on the wrong foot, and the only thing that could improve her mood was seeing you — though she knew she wouldn't be able to until third block. As she zoned out, she barely registered when Wes leaned over to talk to her.

"Hey, Amber, you look grumpier than usual today," Wes said, trying to be funny.

Amber snapped back, "Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Wes. Maybe if this class wasn't so mind-numbingly boring, I'd have a reason to smile."

Wes raised his hands in surrender, realizing he had touched a nerve. The class continued in silence until Amber's phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out to see a text from her girlfriend, causing a soft smile to spread across her face.

Seeing her sudden change in demeanour, Chad, who was sitting at the same table, piped up, "What got you so smiley, Amber? Did y/n text you?"

Wes and Chad chuckled, but it was clear they were just teasing her. Amber rolled her eyes and told them to shut up before she started typing a reply to her girlfriend.

y/n: can’t wait to see u later, i miss u :(

amber: i miss u too babe, can’t wait to get outta here and see ur beautiful face

y/n: awww ily ambs <33 i want it to be third block already

amber: i know, me too. i'm so bored in this stupid math class. wes is being annoying as usual.

y/n: lmaooo what's he doing now?

amber: just making dumb jokes with chad

y/n: well, just ignore them and think about how we're gonna have so much fun in PE later 😛

amber: oh yeah, so much fun in PE. just what i always look forward to, sweating my ass off and smelling like a gym locker.

amber: but hey, at least i get to stare at your tits, they bounce so nicely when you run ;)

y/n: LMAOO stfu ihy 😭

amber: 😙

As the minutes ticked by, both you and Amber continued to exchange messages, eagerly counting down the moments until you could be together again. Amber was so lost in conversation that she barely noticed the bell ringing, signalling the end of class. With a start, she realized that she needed to hurry to make it to the gym on time for PE. Quickly gathering her things, she rushed out of the classroom and made her way toward the gym, feeling her heart race with excitement at the thought of seeing you again.

As Amber made her way to the gym, her mind drifted back to the missing sweatshirt. She always wore it to PE, and now she was left without it. But worse than that, she knew that you would notice it was missing, and she felt bad for losing something that you had given her.

As she walked in, she saw her classmates getting ready for the class. They were all laughing and chatting, but Amber didn't feel like joining in. As Amber scanned the gym, she noticed that you were nowhere to be seen. Disappointed, she walked toward the lockers to get changed, hoping to see you there.

As Amber arrived at the lockers, she realized that you weren't there either. She quickly texted you asking where you were, but didn't receive a reply. She decided to get dressed and closed her locker, ready to head out to the gym.

Just as she was about to leave the locker room, you suddenly appeared from behind her and scared her.

"Jesus! What the fuck?" she exclaimed, jumping slightly. But as soon as she saw it was you, she relaxed and let out a laugh.

You immediately jumped into her arms, planting kisses all over her face, making her blush.

As Amber hugged you tightly, you continued to pepper her face with kisses, making her giggle uncontrollably. She then leaned in and gave you a quick kiss on the lips, savoring the feeling of your soft lips against hers.

But then, Amber's eyes fell on your sweatshirt, and she furrowed her brows in confusion. "Wait a minute," she said, mock-anger creeping into her voice. "Isn't that my sweatshirt?"

You looked down at the sweatshirt you were wearing and grinned sheepishly. "Uh, yeah. You left it at my place yesterday and I didn't want to say anything because it smells like you." You gave her your best puppy-dog eyes, hoping to win her over.

Amber looked at you with a mock stern expression before rolling her eyes and smiling. "I was looking for that all morning, you know," she teased. "But I guess now it'll smell like you too, so I'm okay with it." She leaned in to give you a sweet kiss on the lips. "But you better give it back to me after class or I’ll kill you," she said, her tone lighthearted and teasing. She didn't mind that you were wearing her hoodie; in fact, she found it endearing. But she couldn't resist a chance to tease you.

"Of course, of course," you said, grinning at her. "I wouldn't dare keep it from you. You know how much I value my life." You playfully crossed your heart with your fingers, pretending to be scared. "But can I at least wear it until the end of the day? It's so cozy, and it smells like you." You leaned in and nuzzled your nose against her neck, taking a deep breath to inhale the sweet scent of her hair.

"Mmm, sure. I suppose I can allow that for now," Amber said with a playful smirk. "But don't get too comfortable, because I'm coming for my sweatshirt after school." She ran her fingers through your hair and gave you a gentle kiss on the forehead before taking your hand and leading you towards the gym.

[latinapoetbts]

It Was So Wrong It Was Right [PT 3] - KTH & Y/N (Latina)

Story Summary: Y/N loved her twin sister and brother-in-law (KTH) more than life. She would do anything for their happiness; they were all she had after losing her parents. When her twin sister and brother-in-law (KTH) dream of starting a family together comes crumbling down, she can't say no when they ask for her help, even in the most unorthodox way. She'd never tell them no, even if it ruined her in the process. Labels: KTH / Latina Reader Insert | Mini Series AU, Angst, Smut, 18 + Unrequited Love, Psychological Distress | No editing

Part one HERE | Master List | Part 2

Part 3: The After Math.

Hearing the phone ring repeatedly, I winced, then came the buzzing notifying me of the multiple text messages. I know I needed to answer, I just didn't want to. I need a break from the incessant calling and the every 3-day visits from my sister and her husband. I knew she was excited and eager to know the results; she wanted to be a mother so bad. But it was starting to chip away at my soul. I couldn't stand seeing Tae Hyung every 3 days. The tension and the awkwardness were too much. I thought I could be their surrogate. I thought I could compartmentalize, treat the sex as just a guy I knew who would fulfill my horny needs for the night. But no, that’s not what this was at all. It wasn’t just sex for me. I had the best sex of my life with my sister's husband, my high school crush, rekindling the feelings I had buried deep within all those years ago. 

What made everything worse the morning after; I woke up and he was gone. He left as if he had never been there leaving no trace of himself. The rejection I experienced was so personal and deep that I cried for hours. Then came the shame, the voice in my head of what a horrible slut of a sister I am. Next were feelings of anger and jealousy. Anger and jealousy, feelings I thought I had locked away and let go. I got to taste and have what I always wanted, what I had fantasized about more times than I care to admit. I had accepted he was out of reach and always would be since my sister started dating him. Yet, that night, it was as if I had tasted the forbidden fruit and was now addicted. I couldn't stop thinking about the way his mouth felt on my pussy, the way his lips devoured me. His voice was deep and thick with lust, claiming he wanted to fuck me forever. Each night I closed my eyes, I could visualize him hovering over me, eyes locked with mine in pure bliss as he trusted into my drenched pussy over and over again. I shamefully pleasured myself to the memory of fucking him, rutting against my fingers and my vibrator barely getting relief because my body wanted him and only him. The memories and flashbacks were tortuous. I wanted it to stop but I couldn't control myself.

It had been 7 weeks since I had fucked my sister's husband, and like clockwork, my sister and Tae would come over every three days for me to take a store-bought pregnancy test. She wanted to be there with Tae each time to be part of the experience of finding out they would have a baby. No matter the results from this test today, I was scheduled for my second blood test. Every two weeks, I was to take a blood test, and every three days, a home pregnancy test. The ringtone from my sister calling broke through my thoughts. I should answer; they are probably already outside. I answer the phone, forcing a smile on my lips.

“Hey, Y/N, I hope you drank a lot of water! We are here outside, I just wanted to ensure I didn’t barge in if you were sleeping or resting. I know you need your rest.” She set alarms on my phone so I could drink water during the hour, and I was well hydrated. I wasn’t even pregnant yet, and I felt like she was smothering me. She constantly asked me about my bedtime routine, my self-care, and whether I was getting enough sleep and eating well. She gave me frequent reminders to make sure I was not having sex with anyone else at this time because she wanted to ensure Tae Hyung was the father. I felt my humanity slowly dying. 

“Yes, Adri, I drank a lot of water; come on in.” I walked towards the door and saw my sister already walking in. I regretted giving her a key. I ensured I displayed a big, friendly, happy smile, hoping my eyes did not give away my true feelings of remorse, shame, guilt, and longing. I kept my eyes on her as I gave a weak “hello” to Tae Hyung, quickly moving to hug my sister and walking towards the kitchen, I felt my gut clench in sadness hearing his soft “hi” as I walked away, not giving him any type of eyes contact. 

“I’m so excited! I know not to get our hopes up! But Y/N I’m feeling really good about this one”, I kept my eyes low, my sister and Tae Hyung taking a seat on the coach.

“Guess we will find out soon enough..” I tried to sound pleasant as I busied myself to get water. 

“Does anyone want anything to drink?” I asked being polite.

“Do you have any whiskey?” I heard the slight distress in Tae’s voice. Something was up, even more than this fucked up situation. He needed this drink, I could tell in his voice. What did he know that I was going to soon find out. 

“I do…how do you want…”

“Give it to me straight”, he cut me off. Whatever I was going to find out today must be bad based on the way he wanted his whiskey. I knew Tae Hyung well, I knew depending on the way he asked for his whisky to be prepared was how bad the information was going to be. 

I prepared his drink, my ears picking up on the whispers between Tae and Adrianna. I watched, sipping water from my glass as she gently held his cheek in her hand, stroking him with her thumb, her gazing so loving, his eyes full of what I deemed as worry. I cleared my throat, entered the living room, and placed Tae’s drink on the coffee table. I ensured that I avoided eye contact, as I do every time he enters my space. Avoiding him was always the exact opposite of what my treacherous, moral-less body and soul wanted. I wanted to drown in his beautiful chocolate-colored almond-shaped eyes, melt into his pleasing touch, and feel his lips on my skin, but it was all so wrong. I grabbed the pregnancy test out of my sister's hand and went to do my business in the bathroom, bringing the pregnancy stick back to the table. My sister was already ready with the timer. We sit silently for a moment before my sister's voice breaks me out of my anxious thoughts, my eyes set on the coffee table. I hate the deafening silence. 

“How have you been feeling today?” 

“I’m fine Adri…” my voice cracking.

“Tae, do you have any questions for Y/N?”  I keep my eyes on the table not daring to look at him.

“No..” his voice sounded as weak as mine.

“You know what? You are both adults. You guys need to act like it and get over the awkwardness. We are bringing a little human into the world who is going to depend on us. We are family and always will be. Everything is going to be fine. We will get through this.” I lift my eyes to my sister, her eyes tender, her smile warm, her hand on Tae Hyungs knee. 

“Ok. Your right Adri…your right…” I lift my eyes to Tae Hyung, his eyes were already on mine with an unreadable distance expression and a weak smile on his lips. 

The timer rings demanding our attention. Adriana leaps into action. 

“Ok, guys, come close. Let's look!” She squeals with hope she stays so positive and hopeful is beyond me. Please, God, I beg, my eyes closed; I want, I just wanted it to be over be, pregnant give my sister and Tae what they wanted and move on with my life. 

“Negative.” I heard the sadness in her voice. I was frozen, not sure which empathic statement to draw from that would be sincere and not on repeat.

“That’s ok, we still have the blood test tomorrow!” She rises from the couch with the pregnancy test kit heading to the kitchen to clean it all up. I grab my cup heading to the kitchen to grab more water. 

“Yes, we do. Don’t worry I’ll call you as soon as the email results come in and I know not to open it till you get here. 

The Blood Test Results

I avoided checking my email for the next 24 hours knowing the lab we test at is very fast. But I knew my sister knew this as well. It’s 10 pm and I finally look, and it's there. I texted my sister and let her know I’d see her and Tae tomorrow at 6 pm after I get off of work. I barely make it through the day trying to focus on my work but the dread of opening the email took most of my attention. What if I am pregnant? Then this is really happening. What if I’m still not pregnant, maybe I can't have children either. Why does Tae look so distant and worried? I couldn't keep the thoughts at bay.

When I arrived home, Adriana and Tae were already parked outside my house, my sister with takeout in her hands. They were planning on staying I wondered. She was really feeling this one. 

“How…”, I cut her off before she could finish.

“I’m fine Adri, healthy and happy just like Yesterday.” I smile the best happiest fake smile at her.

“Let’s go inside.” I walk past smiling weakly at Tae Hyung, I had to at least try to be normal as much as I could hiding the fact I have not gone one single night without pleasuring myself to the memory of him fucking me. It was as if I was a horny teenage boy. 

After settling at the dinner table with food to distract us from small talk. “Well, let's get to it,” I stand to break the awkward silence, moving to grab my phone. We count to the number of three, and all of them see our emails at the same time. There was that moment of pause where we each looked at the pregnancy hormone count. The number was too low to. I was not pregnant. I let out a breath of relief. I felt a swirl of emotions. I wanted to be done with this process. I thought there was a part of me that was relieved I was not pregnant. There was also worry. This would be the 8th week since Tae Hyung and I had slept together. I knew this was where I needed to stand my ground and gently suggest adoption for them. 

“Adri, I’m sorry…” I wanted to show my sister empathy and help her accept the idea of adopting.

“No y/n,  It’s ok. I’m fine. We are fine. Y/N…” I watch with observant eyes. My sister grabs Tae Hyung's hand in hers, his head hung low, his eyes shielded. I imagined he must have felt devastated I know how much he too wants to be a father and wants to see my sister happy. After her eyes glance at Tae Hyung looking for his gaze she turns to me.

“....Tae and I already talked about this and I just need for you guys to try again. We will book for two nights…”

“What!? Adri…you can’t be serious…” I felt my heart beat increase and my body heat.

“Y/N. Please..he only came one time inside you. He told me. I need you guys to try 2 to 3 times, I know you both…”

“Tae! Say something!!” My eye started at him in wild, frantic bewilderment. No. I can’t believe he would agree to this again. Yet nothing. He says nothing and does not lift his eyes. Yet I can see how white his knuckles are from how tightly he clenches them. 

 Tae Hyung! Fucking Look at me! Are you actually fucking ok with this!?” I could feel my body trembling and the barely-kept rage in my voice. I was nearly shouting. He kept his eyes low and cleared his throat.

“This. will be. the last time…” his voice came out low and stern, the voice of a broken, angry man as he stood and stocked outside. I felt a deep need to run after him, console him, and have him console me. But I stood there in the living room, feet planted, my eyes fixed on the man, and my heart and soul were chained to walk away. 

“Adri, I can’t do this again…I’m sorry, I can’t…” I turn to walk to the kitchen tears brimming my eyes.

“Please, understand…”, I grip the kitchen countertop. Is this the day I lost everything because I couldn't give her all she asked of me? She was the only family I had left; she was half of me and all of me simultaneously. No one knows the bond of identical twins unless you are one. I thought I would do anything for her, and I have, but I just can’t do this again. It would utterly destroy me. I entered the world with her at my side, breathed into existence with her, and I will leave this world without her love, rejected by her. I felt a sob began to build in my gut. As I listened to her movement in the living room. I could not see her from this angle, but I could feel and hear her grabbing her belongings and putting on her shoes at the door. 

“I’m sorry Adri… I just can’t…” I let the words come out in a whisper as I listened to the door open and close. I knew she was gone.

[scarletsaphire]

Chapter 3 of EI for @pokkeshii and beta'd by @pricklenettle. No art for this chapter, but the next one...

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Trigger warnings for this chapter: Loss of control, implied/suspected drug use

Danny wasn't at school for the next three days.

Not that Dash paid any real attention to the comings and goings of that dweeb. The only reason he noticed was because he'd bombed a particularly important math test, and his resident stress reliever wasn't anywhere to be seen. Danny may have gotten better at flying under the radar since freshman year, but he wasn't that good. Dash had to make do with beating up some sophomore nerd he didn't even know the name of instead.

When Danny did finally show his face again, Dash nearly started laughing then and there. The boy looked rough. He'd never looked good, of course, but he looked especially bad now, even worse than he had before, which was bad. His hair was soaked with sweat, he kept his eyes firmly on the ground, and worst of all, he was shaking like a leaf.

Dash elbowed Kwan, who was busy chatting up some girl Dash didn't recognize. He looked over at where Dash gestured, before rolling his eyes. "You have fun with that, dude. I think I'm gonna keep enjoying myself over here."

The girl giggled.

Dash left Kwan to it, pushing his way through the crowd towards where Danny stood, hunched up against the lockers. 

"Ah, did the last ghost fight scare you that much?" 

Danny didn't reply. 

"What, you had to go run and hide from the big scary ghosts? And you still come back looking like you’re about to piss yourself!"

Still no reply.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, Fenturd," Dash said, grabbing Danny by the shoulder. He intended to turn Danny's face towards him, maybe get a good look at his sniveling face while he cried for some extra material. It shouldn't have been hard; Fenton had always been a pushover, at least physically. Dash had roughed Danny up plenty of times before.

Instead of being met with Danny's face, Dash was looking directly at the floor and his arm was screaming in pain. He couldn't see Fenton at all, but he could feel one cold hand on his head, forcing him down, and the other twisting his arm behind his back. It was more than just the pain; wherever Fenton touched Dash, his skin crawled in an assimilation of pins and needles. 

"Do you want to say that again, Dash?" Danny said. His voice was off somehow. He didn't sound different, but Dash knew there was something wrong. He could feel it in the way his heart started to pound in his chest and the blood rushed in his ears, how his thoughts seemed to scatter in a silent mantra of run run run run run run- "I said," Danny twisted his arm further, forcing Dash lower to the ground. "Do you want to say that again?"

"What the fuck, dude?" Dash hissed between gritted teeth. "I was just playing around!"

Danny twisted his arm further, and Dash did not start tearing up. He didn't. "Then it's only fair that I play back, right?"

Dash knew what breaking a bone felt like. He'd broken several over his quarterback career. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was used to it, but he was familiar with it. This wasn't a broken bone. There was a popping sound, and then pain exploded down his arm, so much sharper than it had been only moments ago. Dash couldn't suppress the cry of pain as he tried to wrench himself free to no avail. Fenton's grip was cold and strong, holding him tight like a vice. Even as Dash's arm went limp, Fenton just pushed harder.

He didn't know how long Fenton held him there for. Long enough that he’d given up on convincing himself that he wasn’t crying. Fenton might’ve decided to keep Dash there forever, if Mr. Lancer hadn't stepped in, wrenching the two of them apart. Dash fell to the floor, trying to clutch his injured arm to his chest. It wouldn't cooperate. He couldn't move it, couldn't feel it outside of the electric pain shooting out from his shoulder. 

Sure, maybe Dash did cry. He could admit it to himself, if not to anyone else. It wasn't his fault though. Fenton was a thousand times more freaky than he'd ever imagined, even freakier than the ghosts. He couldn't blame himself for breaking down when getting so close to someone- no, some thing as unnatural as that.

---

Maddie tried to make a habit of not setting expectations for the day. She made plans and goals, of course, but she never set out with an expectation. It was a recipe for a bad day, in her opinion, and she tried to avoid those. Which is why saying she did not expect a call from the school did not come lightly.

She knew that Danny wasn't a good student. It would've been impossible for her to miss his less than stellar grades and positively horrendous attendance record. Jack and her had spent all of his freshman year and most of his sophomore trying to encourage him to try harder, but when it didn't work, they accepted it. He just wasn't as academically inclined as the rest of his family was, and there was nothing wrong with that. Or maybe it was just high school; Jack had been held back because he couldn't pay attention, so it wasn't out of the question.

The school had come to the same results for all the wrong reasons. Maddie knew they'd given up on Danny and were just funneling him through the system, and while she was incredibly disappointed, she did understand. Danny simply wasn't motivated, and there wasn't anything they could do to change that.

With all of that said, Danny had never been a bad kid. Even when he was little, he'd always been such a sweet child, always following her around in the lab to try and help, or carrying down plates of food bigger than he was whenever Maddie or Jack forgot to eat. He'd always been kind and caring and sweet and gentle. 

And yes, he'd been different lately, even more so than normal. He refused to talk about what had him so jumpy, but Jazz had told her that he'd gotten into a fight with his friends. It was unfortunate, and surprising. The three of them had been nearly inseparable since freshman year, maybe even before that. But he wasn't aggressive or lashing out, just quiet and drawn back. The past few days had been even worse, with him refusing to come out of his room at all.

He'd said he was sick, with a messy note passed under the door. Maddie didn't quite believe him, but he was clearly not feeling well, so she left trays of food outside the door for him and let him rest. She believed him a lot more when he'd finally emerged that morning, looking like he hadn't slept at all in his self inflicted quarantine, sweaty and shaking. She'd tried to convince him to stay home and keep resting, but he'd insisted that he needed to go to school.

All of that was why the call from the school, that he had not only gotten into but had started a fight? To say that it was a shock was to put it lightly.

Maddie expected for him to be even worse looking than he had been. Danny knew how to fight, or at least did when he was younger. She'd spent most of his elementary school years teaching him and Jazz what she knew. If he had been in good health, then she'd have more faith in him, but when he'd left the house this morning he'd nearly been blown over by the wind. Maddie doubted he'd be able to win a fight against a paperclip, let alone a football player.

Instead, when she ran into the school office she found him sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs, staring at the wall, sitting perfectly still. He didn't have any bruises on his face or skin that she could see, no blood or scratches or anything that indicated that he was any worse for wear. If anything, Danny looked better than he had this morning. 

His teacher, Mr. Lancer, stood next to him, his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. Maddie approached, but he didn't seem to notice her. He was standing next to Danny, tapping his foot on the ground rapidly.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Lancer," she said with a practiced smile on her face.

He visibly startled before clearing his throat and fixing his posture. "Oh, you're here," he said, wearing his own, clearly forced smile.

"I am," she said. She turned to face Danny. "Are you hurt?" Maddie asked softly. If what she had been told was true, she would lecture him later. It was more important to make sure he was okay. She continued when she didn't get a reply. "Mr. Lancer called and said you got into a fight...?"

Danny still didn't answer. He didn't so much as blink or turn his eyes to look at her. If Maddie didn't know any better, she'd say he wasn't breathing.

Mr. Lancer cleared his throat, and she looked up at him. "He isn't physically injured, as far as we could tell. Despite this, he hasn't been responding."

"And you took that to mean that he wasn't injured?" she asked, trying very hard to keep the anger out of her voice. "What if he'd been hit on the head? He should be in the hospital!"

"We did," Mr. Lancer replied drily. "It would've been nearly impossible for him to have been hit like that. There were a number of student witnesses, and Dash Baxter, the boy Danny instigated the fight with, was hardly given the chance to lift a finger. In contrast, Dash is currently in the hospital with a dislocated shoulder and a pinched nerve. I wonder where he learned to react in such a way." The last sentence was whispered, clearly intended to be for Mr. Lancer only.

Maddie pretended she didn't hear him. "Eye witness reports are all well and good, but did you at least have the school nurse look him over?"

"As much as we could," Mr. Lancer replied slowly.

"And what does that mean?" Maddie asked.

Mr. Lancer cleared his throat. "The nurse had some trouble getting close.”

"I'm sorry, I thought you said he wasn't responsive?" she asked incredulously.

"He isn’t," Mr. Lancer said. " Mostly. He didn’t react well when she tried to touch him. If you'd like to try and see for yourself, you're more than welcome to, but if I might be frank, I am up to here with your families escapades today. Daniel is going to be suspended for a week, and the Baxter's have decided to not press charges. Something that you should be very grateful for. Now, if you'll excuse me." Mr. Lancer walked briskly from the room, leaving Maddie and Danny more or less alone.

She turned back to him. He still sat just as he had before, as if he was part of the room's decoration. "I want you to know that you are in trouble," Maddie started. "But I want to make sure you're safe first, and then we can talk about punishment. Do you understand?"

She still got no response.

"Danny, I need you to talk to me. Or at least give me some kind of sign, it doesn't have to be words," she continued. "A head nod. Two blinks. A loud exhale."

Maddie got none of that. She sighed, and straightened. "Okay. I don't know what is wrong right now, but we're going to get you home, and then we are talking about this. Come on." She let her hand fall on his shoulder, intending to guide him out  the door to the car. She didn't have the GAV today; Jack was buys with some kind of ghost snakes report across town.

Half of her expected to get some reaction when she touched his shoulder. Mr. Lancer had certainly made it seem like she should, but the only thing that happened was Danny standing up,  and following her out to the car. He walked as if on autopilot, stumbling over the slight step down to the sidewalk below. If Maddie hadn't been there to catch him, it looked like he would have just face planted.

She pursed her lips. She didn't care what the teachers or nurses might say, something was wrong with her baby. That was clear as day. It was just going to have to fall to her to figure out what.

Maddie had to guide Danny into the backseat, had to buckle him in like she hadn't done since he was five. Her concern only grew as she went through the motions, having to raise his limp arm to get the seat belt under it. It took longer than she'd care to admit, and it wasn't for another good few minutes before she was climbing behind the driver's wheel. She let her eyes wander to Danny again in the rear view mirror before she started driving.

He was staring directly down at his lap, where his hands lay. She noticed then that they were clenched, the only part of his body that wasn't limp, gripped into fists so tight that she could see how his knuckles paled from the tension.

Maddie put the car in drive and tore her eyes away. She needed to get home, and she needed to think. She needed to figure out what was wrong. 

Her first instinct was, unsurprisingly, overshadowing. Or maybe some other kind of possession. It would've explained the sudden difference in attitude recently. If Danny was trying to fight against it, it may also explain his not quite catatonic state, focusing all his energy inward to try and kick the ghost out. It would explain a lot, and it would be an easy enough fix. Maddie hoped it was just that.

She forced herself to think of other possibilities too. While possession would've been nice, she also knew that it was wishful thinking. Possession would mean her baby boy was just as sweet and kind and unbothered as ever, and that he was nothing more than a victim. It would've been terrible, that she couldn't keep him safe, but it would've been an easy fix. Maddie couldn't let her wishful thinking get in the way if it ended up being something else.

He could be sick, like he said, but that wouldn't explain why he was better now. He could have just been acting out, as the school seemed to think he was, but that wouldn't explain the sickness. Unless...

Amity Park didn't have the most alive drug culture. Maddie knew more about that than she'd care to admit. It wasn’t unusual for either her or Jack to be called to plenty of peoples bad trips for false ghost reports before they opened the portal, and it was always to the same couple places. It had been annoying of course, but educational. After the portal had opened, the false reports dropped substantially. Maddie didn't know if it was because the people stopped using when the real world was crazier than any drug trip they might have, or because now they could differentiate between the ghosts they saw and the real ghosts.

Either way, just because it wasn't as thriving as it was in other areas, didn't mean it wasn't a possibility. And the more Maddie thought of it, the more it seemed to fit. The shaking and sweating, the sudden sickness, the insistence that he needed to go to school... If he had managed to take something, it could describe his current state too.

Maddie took a deep breath through her nose. She wasn't going to panic yet. She just needed to make a plan. They were going to get home, and she was going to run tests for a possible possession. If they came back positive, she'd know exactly how to get whatever sorry excuse for a spirit that’d decided to target her baby out. She would make sure that it never happened again. If it came back negative, well...

Her eyes drifted to the mirror again for just a second, just enough to see Danny in the backseat, exactly as he had been when she started this drive. If her tests came back negative she'd figure something else out. He was her son, and she wasn't going to let him face whatever this was alone, no matter what.

—

They came back negative. Every test that Maddie did was negative, or as negative as they always did for Danny. Possession, overshadowing, excess ectocontaimination that might interfere with brain activity, everything. Negative across the board. 

Maddie had hoped that it would be easy, but it was clear it wasn't. Danny still sat on the table in the lab, just as still as he had been for the past hour, his hands still clenched in his lap. He still wouldn't reply to anything. The good news was, if this was some kind of drug trip (and Maddie was almost certain it was at this point) he'd long since passed the risk of any kind of overdose. All that they could really do was wait it out.

Maddie hoisted herself up on the table and sat next to Danny. Even though he didn't look like he was going to do much of anything, she didn't feel comfortable leaving him unattended, especially in the lab. "You know that I love you, Danny," Maddie said, more to fill the silence than anything else. She wasn't even certain he was able to hear her, or would remember anything she said. "I'm always going to love you. But I'm worried."

She sighed, propping her hands on her knees and letting her face fall into them. "I don't know where I went wrong. You were such a bright young boy. You still are, in some ways. But in others, things like this happen, and... Sometimes I wonder what happened to my baby boy."

"I died." Maddie raised her head sharply, looking over to where Danny sat. He was looking at her with eyes the same color as the portal behind him. Her hand went to her waist instinctively to grab the blaster she always had, but nothing was there. She'd taken it off so it didn't disrupt the tests.

Whatever was pretending to be Danny didn't seem to care about her panic, even as she stumbled off the table to go get it. It just kept talking in an echoing bastardization of her son's voice. "But I decided to keep playing at human, to keep pretending that nothing was wrong, that everything was fine. For years."

It was laughing by the time Maddie's hand found the blaster, a laugh that sent shivers down her spine. "It's a miracle it took me this long to figure it out." Maddie raised the gun at the creature as it jumped down from the table, its feet never touching the ground. "But I'm done pretending." It a blink of the eye, her Danny was gone, replaced with the ghost she'd been hunting for as long as the portal had been opened. Phantom.

"I'll see you around, Mom," it said, its voice still not changing. Still Danny's. But it was Phantom's too, her mind connected. And it was Phantom's eyes on Danny's face, with a suit that matched the one on the wall behind him with the colors flipped.

He disappeared before she could decide whether to shoot or not. The blaster fell out of her hand as she fell to the floor, shaking.

[baelpenrose]

Project Praetorian 42: Adaptation

Jared learns about his new surroundings, Mia reads up on her situation. Beta read by @canyouhearthelight

Jared

As he was racking the rifle in the armory, Jared quietly reflected on what he’d seen during training. Tomorrow was supposed to be the much-dreaded “testing” - and he wasn’t excited, but was still interested to see how bad it was, see if all the hype was just some kind of hazing these pussies were talking up.

He had to quietly admit to himself, though, that the Jew who ran the show among the conscripts seemed to know what he was doing. He must have had advance training to take command, whatever everyone else said. He didn’t doubt Mark had been freely picked by the others, not anymore. It didn’t track with how controlled opposition worked, anyway. No. It made more sense that Mark had gotten some advance training as a tactician and a leader before ever arriving, been told to keep it secret, then his confidence and skill had won him the trust of the others.

He’d attempted to voice this to Jonathan and Vergil, who had both looked at him like he was insane. Vergil because Vergil was apparently a system brat who trusted everyone on this base who’d been here longer than him, and Jonathan because the giant had no concept of loyalty to anything higher than the people he was with. 

Even as he began taking off the body armor, starting to change into the day wear clothing underneath, he noticed the muscles on almost everyone else - he wasn’t embarrassed of his own strength, he’d had to be constantly working out with his cousins and his uncles, staying in shape. He’d been able to keep up with these guys, which had been something to be proud of. These guys had gotten military training and Jared had kept up with most of them.  Mark had a set of scars along his chest that had indicated some truly fucked up burns, and he’d seen the scars that the others had before.

He knew the stuff about superpowers wasn’t a joke when he saw the freak make the cripple start walking around, but…damn.

As they started walking out of the locker rooms, he waved at Casey and jogged closer to her, even as he saw Mark tense.

“Hey. What’s for dinner?”

“Don’t know, haven’t checked the mess board yet. Why?”

“I thought you cooked?” 

“On special occasions, yes. I don’t have time to do it every day, and especially not on double-duty days when we train and then have school. Especially when we have testing the next day.” 

Jared took that in, mildly disappointed. “Gotcha. I just figured with the look and all…”

Casey snorted. “Not really the Leave it to Beaver deal you were hoping for?” 

“I gave up on that when I saw you with the shotgun. You’re still one of the few girls here who has any kind of traditional femininity and I know you’re the one who cooked last night, so I thought that’s what we did here.” 

“We, already?” Casey raised an eyebrow. “You seem quick to jump on the bandwagon of this team. Done bitching about the entire leadership structure?”

Jared bit his tongue. Not even close, but fighting her wasn’t going to get anywhere. He’d wait til he could expose the sham to the rest of the team and then help them break out of this shitshow. Hell, even Xavier didn’t even seem half bad, and Jared figured the blacks of the world could definitely do worse for a leader if Xavier wanted the job of leading them all back to Africa instead of this diversity bullshit of keeping them all in the same country with him.

“Sure. But I’m also just kinda…resigned to it? Not much point fighting it, not yet.” He threw a look over his shoulder, at Mark. “Hey, any interest in a date, sometime?”

Casey doubled over laughing. “No, not a chance. I’m with Mark, actually. Even if I wasn’t, I’d still say no. I’m really…not into the white nationalist thing. Don’t want to be a tradwife, in love with a Jew, bestie is a black girl, math adding up?” 

He felt a flash of anger. “Why’d you lead me on then? With the giggling, the flirting and the…” He took a step back as a point in the grass in front of him caught fire and for just a moment a static burst crackled through his belt and set his teeth on edge. 

Casey snarled. “I didn’t! That wasn’t flirting! I was asking a question! I thought it was weird how quickly you’d come around, and honestly I was hopeful that you’d gotten your shit together. I don’t think you realize how bad your situation is. I’m gonna tell you this now. We had to work really, really hard to get the housing we have now. To get any of the things we have now instead of being in the horrible situation we were in when we first came here. A part of it is that we have to be believed as a team that works together, cohesively. If you start contradicting Mark or Xavier or Echo in front of the adults on base, if you start showing friction, you are putting all of us in danger.” Her voice was quiet, desperate. He thought, for a moment, she was being vulnerable, then she added. “We’ll kill you. I don’t know you, and I don’t like you. But I’m not wild about seeing someone my age die - even less if I have to do it.” 

Jared grunted, thinking. That was actually good information - not worth using, though. At least, not yet. He figured he’d get through the testing and make his own judgments before he decided if he’d make agreements with the staff here over Mark. He didn’t have enough information to figure out, yet, if Mark was in with the staff or was some kind of defector from the globalist government or if something else was going on. If nothing else, Jared figured he should know what was going on before he made a play. 

Still, on the subject of dating, since Casey was taken and he’d only get hurt pushing it. “Any chance with the tall redhead with the rosary?” 

Casey glared at him and he felt the temperature around him elevate. 

“She’s thirteen. On the topic of things that will make me kill you.”

“Oh, fuck.” He back-pedaled rapidly. He hadn’t known that - he’d thought she was older, she looked older, she was almost as tall as he was. “Okay, okay. Never mind. Way too young for me. I can wait. FOR ANOTHER CONSERVATIVE WHITE GIRL TO BE CONSCRIPTED HERE, NOT FOR HER TO GET OLDER!” He rapidly added, hands raised. “Jesus, I’m not that bad. Swear, I thought she was older, and in my defense, she is tall and at that age where people do just kinda look anywhere from ten to our age depending on when the growth spurt comes in.”

Casey almost. Almost smiled at that. “I can believe that even you draw the line at that, sure. Side note, you find it pathetic that you’re hoping someone else winds up here?”

“Not really ‘hoping’ as much as ‘I know it’s gonna happen.’ And it’s the only way any of our dating pools expand, apparently.” Come on, no one could blame him for just rolling with THAT inevitability and being prepared to cope with the fact that no one outside the team would be close enough to their lives to date, right?  

Echo started approaching Casey, and Jared turned away from the conversation as the two hugged and started glaring at him. 

Mark looked at him, coldly, imperiously, as he rejoined the boys. “So, here’s the thing. Don’t like you. Really, don’t like you. Vergil was impressive - he eavesdropped that whole conversation and repeated it to me as it happened. Offhand - Casey wasn’t kidding. Our situation is delicate. I can’t have you causing problems, not now, not ever. You’ve been here a day and a half, and already, you’ve called Shiloh something you only survived because Jonathan didn’t hear it and you didn’t sign it.”

It had been during training, and only one person had heard what he’d said about the magic retard - Vergil, specifically, who must have relayed it to Mark. For that matter, what kind of a cuck was this guy that he wasn’t pissed Jared had made moves on his girl? Wait, no…that shock. Mark simply didn’t need to press the point when he had already demonstrated that he could do that without speaking.

Jared kept the irritation off his face at being alpha’d successfully. “Alright, long as I’m stuck here, can I have permission to be honest, oh Lieutenant?” The acid in his voice was obvious and Mark’s posture went stiff.

“Go for it.” 

“I know we’re up against aliens. I know this shit’s real. But come on. I got grabbed up by the deep state, who are running a super soldier program that makes use of child conscripts, and put at the command of a Jewish CO who just HAPPENS to have been selected by his peers for command AND who is collaborating with our captors, even if he swears its not by choice, AND that deep state organization has ties to the UN and may or may not be puppeteering things in the US and other governments. All things that people in my circles have been screaming about for years, and now I’m supposed to believe the rest of it is all bullshit?”

Mark blinked. Opened his mouth, then closed it. “You know. I’ll admit. From your perspective. This does look. Remarkably. Like a confirmation of what you believe, or would if Franklin, Stricken, Gideon, and all of the staff were not, to the best of my knowledge, goyim. I have no idea why you’re acting like this shit was my idea.” Mark sighed. 

Then Mark snapped up his gaze and glared at Jared. “Okay, since Imperator has decided to piss me off by making your arguments almost valid regarding every non-demographic element of your beliefs, tell you what. You watch me go into the tube tomorrow, then go in yourself. If you still believe I’m in on it after Koleth’s Wacky Sci-Fi Torture Special, or indeed that ANYONE would sign up for this, you and I can honor duel, no powers.” 

Jared blinked. The sheer confidence of that statement chilled him, just a little. As did the cavalier disdain behind the admission, the implication that Mark knew he had nothing to worry about. “What do they do?”

“I’ll leave that as a surprise. Hey, isn’t Leon supposed to be talking to the newbies after training?”

“No, after class.” 

“Fuck…”

****

Mia

She’d finally sat down and stopped crying in frustration when she’d managed to communicate to Echo that she needed some sort of explanation of everything that the team knew, in Spanish. Instead of speaking to her, Echo had plopped her down in front of a computer, opened a document that was titled something in English, and then pulled up a translation matrix - way better than Google Translate, like for government work - and ran it for Spanish.

The title read, “Fast Track Introduction for Newbie Praetorians. (We are adding as we go)”

Mia almost giggled as she saw it. Then she started reading. Experiments - mutations. She’d grabbed her rosary at that part. The organization that had done this was called Imperator, and was a Special Task Force for the UN Security Council, formed in reaction to a threat from some kind of alien empire. They’d recently learned more about the alien empire - it was called the Ascendency. She only had to read about it for a little while, the caste system, the brutality - to recognize aspects of history from her own country when the Spanish had arrived. 

The document took time to explain who everyone was: Dr. Leon, Sgt. Curtis, the deceased Volkov, every other Praetorian, Director Franklin, Financial Officer Stricken, Operations Officer Gideon, all of them. And then, at the bottom, a note. “Mia, and any other English-second-language Praetorian who reads this. English is harder to learn as a second language than ASL, and all of us ‘speak’ ASL - so learn ASL first if you’re going to learn one. You’ll pick it up much faster, and that way we can all communicate. Conveniently, none of the on-base opposition speak it. There’s a link here to a training video we found, one that Imperator doesn’t fuck with, to start teaching basics.” 

She clicked the link, set the subtitles to Spanish, and started thinking. Okay, okay. This was a lot less annoying to figure out than she remembered English being, back when she was in school. She couldn’t help but wonder, though, if this document was out there, was ASL really a secure way of talking? At least some of their opposition would probably have bothered picking it up.

Okay, working with these people wasn’t going to be terrible. The physical training hadn’t been bad, even if she’d mostly stuck to talking to Echo, she had a feeling most of these people would be pretty easy to talk to once she could actually fucking talk to them. If nothing else, the general tone of the document indicated they weren’t any happier with being here than she was, and their description of an escape indicated that they’d already fought and tried it only to be forced to come back. 

All of which endeared them more to her than she’d expected, even being stuck on that plane with the mostly-nice-but-incomprehensible Kimmy and Micah. 

Still. There were words in the document that didn’t have Spanish equivalents, and it noted that a lot of what Echo had learned hacking the Ascendency computer was probably incomplete because, as best anyone could tell, there were only very rough equivalents in any human language for the concepts involved.

Would she still speak anything that would be recognizable to anyone outside this little group by the time the war ended? If she even saw it end? 

[angelictwitch]

There were plenty of ups and downs in this story but that sure was one of the lowest of lows between me’s and my brother. It’s not like he wanted to do me’s harm or anything but there was simply no other way back there. I’s felt terrible being the reason for Will to always worry about SOMETHING, so my big brother tried to help me’s being able to help myself before it would be too late again.

It was a really early morning, so early that the sun had just begun to rise over the horizon. Twitch was sleeping rather peacefully in his king-sized bed in the church, he slept there alone and for the first time since months not under the influence of alcohol. Some days had passed since he almost switched sites, which was luckily canceled by Wilhelm in a rather brutal manner. Wilhelm hadn’t been angry at him, but he sure had an strong interest in changing the fragil psychic state of his blonde counterpart - and that sooner than later. “Gooooood morning! Ready for training?” - °…Go away…° the blonde one pulled the cover over himself, he never had been a real morning person, but being woken up with a task already? How annoying… The black head stepped closer to the bed before ripping the blanket away from it: “What was that??” - °FUCK! I’s don’t wanna… I’s need a drink first-° - “Forget it. Not until we get you to stabilize a lot more.” - °But Will… that's so cruuuel!° Twitch whined, he sure sounded like a school child not wanting to get up for their math test that day: °I’s a lost cause anyways…° he pulled a pillow over his face, which was quickly removed again by his brother with a smile that could have been out of a bad sitcom, it almost frightened the angel more than the demon form: “I won’t repeat myself. Get dressed and meet me outside.” - °Y-yes° the angel nodded and stood up stumbling to the bathroom to get ready and joined his brother soon after outside. Like people say ‘in a healthy body lives a healthy soul’ and it was a good start getting the blonde one back in shape, after years running solely on liquid food, other substances and maybe a little bit of candy. Twitch stood there in a black sweatpants and an old hoodie with a shirt under it, his face showing dark shadows under his eyes: “Man you look like shit.” - °…I’s know! That’s why I’s wear sunglasses all the time… Can we’s just get this over with for today?° The demon laughed, giving his brother a slight clap on the cheek: “Alright… to give you some motivation for today, we will have breakfast at your favorite diner after this session.” - °…the one with the waffles?° - “The one with the waffles, yes” - °What are we’s waiting for?° Twitch eyes had lightened up like someone had turned on some lightswitch, making Wilhelm laugh in response before both of them started running down the sidewalk and through town. Their way also led through the local park where the angel's motivation slightly started to fade into sheer will to survive, slowly falling behind his brother further and further away: “Tired already? Come on, it's not that far!” - °…f-fuck… I’s j-just… my’s chest…° the blonde ones face was red and covered in sweat, not like he never did that at his gigs but this time it was worse since he could feel all of it without the dulling effect of booze and pills: °just… gimme a sec… uuurgh…° Wilhelm stopped and waited until his brother finally joined him back at his spot: “I thought you had a liiiiittle bit more stamina in you - I mean hell - how did you survive until now doing all this shows and people in bed?” - °Mhm I’s… don’t know… madness? alcohol? probably both?° - “Ha! Still got a little humor in you - that’s a good sign.” the demon clapped on the angel's back, to give him a little praise for his effort so far but accidently pushed him over in the process: “Twitch! That wasnˋt even that hard! … Sorry.” The blonde one just stayed like this, laying face forward in the park's grass only to return a dry: °Waffles now?° to his brother still standing there a little shocked: “Fine… before I need to carry you all the way back…” with a sight he helped the angel back on his feet and than got them to the diner, where Twitch could at least satisfy his sweettooth with a big portion of waffles.

It was hard training for him getting back into shape, it’s not like he could just let himself look perfectly fine but in this case it was more a work for his inner health than getting a perfect beach body. We did that for some weeks before I decided to cheer him up a little more with a trip together a bit further away, to get a clear head again. He always had loved animals so the easiest way to get his inner child happy was a trip to the zoo.

Twitch seemed more excited about the idea, than Wilhelm did, but both could use some time off at least for a day: °Oh, oh! Will look at all this penguins!° - “Mhm looks like a bunch of dudes in suits…” the demon felt more like a parent trying to get his child not to steal one of the animals in excitement at times, but he sure was happy when his baby brother was. It reminded him of the times, when the angel was still in middle school and just had interest in innocent things like animals, sweets and comics. The day was going well until Wilhelm noticed that more and more attention was focused on his younger brother - sure he had fans everywhere - but that was a little much even for his taste: °L-ladies I’s… no I’s won’t sign your bra t-that’s…° Twitch was surrounded by a bunch of chattering fangirls with no way out: -oh god what to do… I’s can’t escape. If I’s only were smaller… wait.- the angel had an idea: °Okay! the first one to take is to keep it!° the blonde one took off his sunglasses tossing them upwards, so the mob of people was distracted, that was the chance to escape! The angel closed his eyes and made himself shrink into the form of his elementary schooler self to being small enough to squeeze through the people making his way to his brother standing there a little surprised: °Tadaaah~° - “...that sure is creative… do you even let your clothes change?” - °Uh-huh! Now we’s should have a little piece… Daaaad.° - “...we are doing that now?” Wilhelm sighed and picked up the even short version of his brother, placing him on his shoulders while the wild mob still fought over the sunglasses, not noticing their target was gone already. Of all things Twitch could have lost, but he would never lose his childish behavior, that was for certain: “How long are we doing this now?” - °Oh until we’s leave , no?° - “You just don't want to walk, to be honest?” - °Naaaah come on, that's fun!° the angel smiled as sweet as sugar at his brother, who slowly felt a little sick like getting diabetes from said sweetness. The demon sighed: “Fine… but just until we leave this place?” - °Okay! That’s a deal! … let’s go to the giraffes next pleeeease? Daaad~° - “Please don’t…”.

I’s will never forget this trip… it was really fun just not needing to care about a bunch of fans or grown up feelings for just a moment. After that I’s was nowhere close to changing sides again and living at least a bit more healthier at that point. I’s just hoped I’s could soon find the only thing that was still missing in my’s life - a person that loved me’s for myself and not only for being “the Reverend ''.

[palacholic]

✨My přijímačky story✨

or how NOT to face entrance exams

disclaimer: this is not a critique of the czech - or any other, for that matter - school system, of the concept of entrance exams or the way they're done at my university. it's not me complaining "school is hard boo hoo". don't let this scare you off, if you want to get somewhere, keep going and believe in yourself <3

trigger warning: mental health issues, implicit mentions of unaliving

so, here's the story

the main problem was exactly that: i didn't believe in myself. i did NOT believe that i would actually make it, get into my dream university. i had studied my chances, observed my rivals future classmates in the preparation course, calculated the probability based on the number of ppl trying to get in and the number of those admitted each year...the math was neither clearly in my favour or against me, it was all up to me...and i did NOT for the love of god see myself passing that exam. i had chickened out on the written part already, after seeing some tests from past years and the only question i could answer for sure being "kdo byl Jan Palach?" (yes fr, a question just about made for me, what a shame that it wouldn't be in this year's test). so i had decided on the preparatory course - if you complete it successfully, you don't have to do the written exam, only an oral test. my mother agreed, on the condition that i paid half of the fee myself. i did.

an oral exam. the thing i feared most in high school. i'm absolutely terrible at speaking, explaining things with my voice instead of writing them down. on the other hand, i'd always been good at writing. but now i had no choice. either i passed that exam or...i didn't even want to think of what would happen if i failed. there was NO WAY in the world i would go to university in my home city. and finding a job there is almost impossible. it's a beautiful city, tourists love it, but it just wasn't for me. every step along its streets made me more and more depressed. i didn't want to see those people anymore, speak the language i didn't consider my mother tongue anyway, go to another place i wouldn't fit in, no matter how hard i tried. i don't wanna go into detail about what my thoughts were, but in that moment i felt helpless and alone, and the only hope was getting into the uni i really wanted, leaving that place and the whole fucking country, starting a new life in the city i loved, the city i loved because of you, my dear, you, my only light in the never ending darkness, i knew i could never meet you, but at least feel closer to you, every day, go to the same uni you studied at, is that too much to ask? sometimes i feel like you were there that day, that some spirit protected me, you didn't want me to fail, you would want me to live a happy life.

so i carried on, each day, preparing for that exam. luckily someone helped me...not a ghost, a living person, let's call him V....someone i don't wanna be associated with anymore, i realized later how bad he was for me, but at that point i needed all the help i could get.

with the day of the exam approaching, i felt worse and more confused each day. i was studying every minute of my free time, sleeping less and less, in school i did the bare minimum to keep up my grades, but other than that i had no time for anything else. i prepared myself for possible questions, learned everything about the books i had read for the exam, memorized how to introduce myself and what to say about why i wanted to study there...that was the crucial part of it, the one that scared me the most. how would the teachers react when they found out that the reason why i taught myself Czech and wanted to study in Prague was...a dead guy? i tried to keep it factual, tell them about how he inspired me and how i tried to cherish life and not be indifferent towards what happened in the world around me because of him, how i wanted to become a historian and study him and his time, all of that...i wrote it down, tried to say it as fluently as possible. it was hard to not get emotional. what if they think i'm crazy? what if they rule me out because of that? it was all or nothing. i would play my card, the Palach card...and see what happened.

the day of the exam. i felt so nauseous and just wanted it to be over with. how did you feel, my dear, the day of your admission exams...or that day, in January? sometimes, I tried to tell myself that you also didn't get in on the first try...but i was NEVER going to find another uni and wait two years to try again. not if the alternative was being stuck in a country i didn't feel was home, with my parents and everyone around me knowing everything about me, my darkest secrets, the embarrassing things i had done as a kid before realising i could be neurodivergent, i was not going to put up with that any longer.

how did you feel, my dear, that day in January? i think you were still calmer than me, and what laid ahead of me was just an exam...a 15 minute talk with some teachers about books i had read and things i knew, and still i was a nervous wreck, couldn't get myself to eat my breakfast, the day before i had fallen asleep over my notes and then stayed up half of the night watching documentaries about you, feeling finally better...reading about you, seeing your face, hearing ppl talk about you, it always calmed me down, made me feel better, no matter how miserable i was. i can't logically explain that, but it worked that night too. whatever was going to happen, we'd do it together, i told myself. i don't really believe in the supernatural, don't know if there's life after death, but what if...what if there was at least a chance you could help me? together, my dear.

the exam itself was over so fast, at first i was sure it went badly. i didn't answer all the questions about literature correctly, then i hadn't had the time to explain my motivation thoroughly, getting emotional and not finishing the train of thought, eventually i almost broke down and told the teachers being admitted meant everything to me...but it wasn't that bad. they were pretty impressed by my Czech and my motivation had them sitting in silence shaking their heads...was that a good sign? or did it mean "we don't want that crazy kid here"? who knows.

it was okay, in the end. the day after, i got my score, and it was GOOD. more than that. it was basically impossible that i would not be admitted with a score that high. and finally, the confirmation came...i was so nervous opening that mail, told myself it was gonna be okay, i was safe...that word, přijat/a, it was such a relief after two years of hopes and fears. i had done it. all those dreams were going to come true. my future was in my hands...it was the happiest day of my life so far.

it's been exactly a year since that day. many things have changed. i might tell you about them another time, when i've figured out some stuff i'm still not fully understanding...about myself, and about the world around me. this new world i dived in head first, the place i can finally call my home. the first place where i actually feel at home in my whole life. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that i chose it, that i decided for myself i was going to live in Prague...many people stay were they happened to be born and don't feel the need to change anything about that, i'm not one of them. i can't imagine that kind of life for me. again, my home country isn't bad, my life could have been way worse, but it wasn't the best for me. things have improved so much since i moved to Prague. it feels right, in a way i can't really explain. i'm glad i'm here and i'm thankful too all the ppl - dead or alive - who accompanied me along the way. big shoutout to y'all. <3

[moon-megami]

New Neurologist

Today I had a very inconvenient auto-rescheduled neurologist follow up appointment. I've only seen the actual Neurologist once, but he didn't find anything 'wrong' with me other than "it's probably migranes", so I got shuffled off to one of his nurse practitioners. This time I got a new one since the old one was no longer there. If anything, the old NP was passionate and caring, which helped. But she was mostly making sure the headache that likes to shatter the base of my skull hasn't came back and that I'm using my CPAP. I've been using 500mg of Magnesium to keep that skull-shattering pain away, and it's working. No one is going to pry that supplement out of my cold dead hands.

She starts out with the broad question "How are you?". A loaded question for someone who has a thousand problems. How am I? For which part of me? I could only muster up that my POTS was acting up because I got a stomach bug last week and my body hasn't caught up. I could kinda tell she didn't really 'follow', not a great sign. I felt slightly dizzy when standing yesterday, I had to use the scooter at the store to get myself a birthday present. She looked at my BP and just said "It's normal". No shit shirlock.

She steers the conversation to my headaches. My regular GP gave me Topimax at the beginning of January to try, but I was really weary of the side effects. I had finally eluded to him the fact I was smelling and tasting cigarette smoke out my nose and it had gotten worse and worse since August (I experienced phantom smells for at least 7+ years), so he gave me a low dose of 25mg Topimax because it could be a migraine aura. Checks out I guess. I've always known I have painless headaches or at least non-conventional headaches. About a week ago I finally noticed the effects and the smell is mostly gone. But the brain fog is still there.

The brain fog. I've always had brain fog since I've been diagnosed with POTS and Dysautonomia 13 years ago. I was 22 when all my issues started. But recently, around August or so (along with the phantom smell), it has gotten so much worse. So much so, that I can barely do my job. I'm a web programmer, and I need my brain to work. I need to be able to write more than a few lines of code a day, and yet, lately, that's all I can muster. Following a few trains of thought has been hard for me the past few months. This is a different beast of brain fog. As I sit there pouring this out to my new NP, tears roll down my cheeks. She asks me if I'm "sure" it just didn't start happening with Topimax (because one of the side effects is cognitive decline and brain fog). I reiterated to her, no, definitely not. If only I could show her my git history, hah.

She says "Let's take a little test". She gets up and brings back a paper, saying it's a memory test or whatever. I thought to myself, ok, this is easy. I don't like being put on the spot but I put my best effort face on anyway. She gave me 5 words to remember at the start of the test. Easy. She put a timer on one minute and told me to list as many animals I can think of. Sure.

"Cat, fish, chicken, dog, ... bird ... lion .. giraffe ....... cat ....." before I knew it, the timer was going off and I was sitting there in a ball pulling my hair out practically. Ugh. Failed that one miserably. I've always been bad at pulling things out of my ass. Go ahead, ask me where anything is. I know exactly where it is, but don't get the word "dresser" out of me when I tell you "its on the thingy over there".

Next was a few math problems, took me longer to answer but I think i was still riled up from the last question. After that I had to repeat back numbers backwards in increasing length, easy.

Next, I had to put an X on the triangle. She hands me the paper. I go straight for the square and mark it and she's like "No... that's the square." FUCK. "oh.. uh.. oh yeah the triangle lol haha". She then tells me to draw the hands of the clock "ten til eleven". I re-read the sentence next to the clock to make sure I understood and drew the clock, perfect, yep.

Next she read me a short story at the bottom of a paper and I answer all the details she asked for after. At the end she asks me for the words at the begining of the test.

Oh yeah. Those.

2 of them I was certain of. Pen and Tie. 2 I wasn't sure but I tried to remember her gestures at the time, Ball and Shirt, surely. The other was a mystery.

She takes the paper and totals the score. She had a slight downturn in her smile as she looked at the answers and the score. She says to me "Perhaps we should refer you to a center for further evaluation.". I asked her what I scored, out of curiosity. She forced a smile and scooted her chair closer to me. I know a polite blow when I see one, and it was coming. "Well... I expected a little higher score for someone your age and education level". There is is. Boom.

I asked her what I scored and what I missed. She said I got a 20/30, which doesn't mean much to me. But apparently, I only remembered 2/5 words, and missed all the number backward questions except for the 2-digit one, she seemed to have forgiven me for the triangle mistake. I drew the clock wrong. WAIT. I DREW THE CLOCK WRONG? Damn, I'm really stupid. Yeah, I drew it as 11:55 and not 11:50. All I had to do was draw a straight line with 2 arrows. Ugh. At least I got all the details in the story right.

So she wrote up some labs I have to go get now, told me to stop taking Topimax, and wrote me a prescription for Qulipta, which, as you know, is a very expensive medication. CBC, TSH, Total T4, B1, B12, Folate, D 25 hydroxy. All will come back normal I'm sure, I've had most of them checked recently anyway. And that referral, which will probably also take months to hear back from. In the car, I was mad at myself and a little sad. What did the test mean for me? I have always had... difficulties in some departments. I know I had learning difficulties, but I've always conquered them. I have never let it define me or interfere with my successes.

As soon as I got home, I wrote my GP an email through my portal explaining that she wanted me to stop taking the Topimax and start Qulipta, and about my test result. I had mentioned the crippling brain fog to him on my last visit too.

He wrote back in the evening, I assume after all his patients for the day. The tone of his correspondence came off to me as slightly spiteful, and I don't know how I feel about it. I've been building up a great rapport with him for 4 years, trusting him with more and more of my symptoms as I went along, him listening to just about every one of them and offering is best knowledge.

"I only have experience with Topimax and not Qulipta, but it seems like they have convinced your insurance to cough up the money for the expensive drug by using your cognitive test to justify taking you off Topiramate."

So was I just... used? Was all that test for was to get a kickback for a drug? It didn't feel like it, surely she wouldn't have bothered with ordering all the labs and that referral for further testing to a completely unrelated center? Talk about knocking me down a few inches more, to how already diminished I was feeling earlier today after my appointment. I feel mad and betrayed, but did he really mean it the way I am taking it? Was he mad I went against his own recommendations?

Again my closest friend is no help, he tries to comfort saying he'd score the same as me. From my quick Google search, and I do mean quick, because I didn't want to scare myself, 'normal' educated people my age don't score that low, even if they try. I don't tell my husband because I don't want him to worry, he has anxiety and worries too much. I only tell him things I am certain about. I don't know what to do with myself but type what I feel here and cry.

I guess that's the point of a blog.

[lewmagoo]

Sorry if this is too personal but I remember you saying you went to a Christian college. What was the experience like? Only reason I ask is because I’m writing a paper about religious institutions. Ignore this if you want :)

i feel a rant coming on. forgive me for the oversharing that's about to happen.

so here's the thing. i grew up in church. a christian environment was all i'd ever known, so going to a christian college just felt like the right, and safest, decision for me. all things considered, the college i went to wasn't as bad as other, more strict christian colleges (e.g., hyles anderson college. look that one up, bc it's a damn doozy), but it was still extremely conservative and rule driven.

it's the place where i started questioning my beliefs for the first time. a lot of things felt very cult-y there, such as, having to go to chapel every single day and we would all stand at a bell tone that happened at the same time everyday, and sing a hymn called the doxology. there are very strict dress standards, which wasn't a problem for me because again, i was used to it after growing up in church. my problem was with the administration, and i'll tell you why.

during my first two semesters there, two very close family members died. i had to go home on two different instances for funerals. the first time i went home they were very accommodating and worked with me. the next one i had to leave for, they made me feel like i was an inconvenience for having to leave. the dean i talked to was more concerned about my studies and me staying on track for midterms than she was about me having to go home to mourn a literal death. it seemed like an annoyance to her to have to excuse all my absences, as if i had purposely arranged for someone to die so i could get out of school. i remember leaving that meeting in tears and calling my mom sobbing over it.

next was the way their counselors handled things. during my second year there i was deep in the throes of depression. worse than i'd ever been before. i had a professor who had, on several occasions, humiliated me in class. and it was math, my struggle subject, so the way he treated me made it 100x worse. and i couldn't drop it bc he was the only one who taught that specific section and it was a prereq for my major. and to top it all off, during that time, i was subjected to a very traumatic event that deeply fucked me up. so i decided to go to one of the campus counselors because i was at the end of my rope. it was a mistake, because she gave me no tools to help myself with. she basically told me i just needed to pray more, and she quoted bible verses and told me to read god's word. and that was one of my last straws.

i decided i was leaving the school after that semester. and it was the best decision i ever made. my mental health has greatly improved since then. i will never go back.

apologies if this wasn't the answer you were looking for. if you want a more streamlined answer please dm me lol

[new-squidbeak-gaytoon]

I saw...sanitized 3 recovery notes..post....... so I'm making one of my own

so....tuyen

initially, their healing process Wasn't Really. they just sort of ignored any pain they felt, any exhaustion they experienced, any General Discomfort about the goopy acid burning tjroigh their face

they couldn't turf, but it didn't bother them: with sanitation came a complete (albeit temporary) change in personality

they went from a traumatized but still happy, curious and spunky kid to just. very very very quiet. they always had struggles with verbal speech, this was different - they didn't stim anymore, for one,

that's just sort of a consequence of sudden having several billion consciousnesses thrown into your head I would think

their coordination after getting gooped was about as bad as you'd expect for someone who went from being the most powerful and in control of their body they've ever been to IMMEDIATELY getting knocked the fuck out and losing all that power

they didn't start actually resting or anything until about a year before Splatoon 3, when the other agents noticed they were pushing themself too far and practically forced them to stop being mean to themself

(they did take a break after OE but they didn't actually rest, they just trained themself to ignore the effects of sanitisation )

during their actual Healing they took up poetry (some of y'all who follow me may have seen some of it). initially it was hard, they couldn't think most of the time and they could only write digitally, but they ended up buying a notebook and using it to practice their handwriting again after a while

once they were forced into recovery, most of their time not spent sleeping was spent sorting out the thoughts in their head, slowly learning which were theirs and which belonged to the Goo. figuring out how to completely block out some of the more upsetting ones

a lot of his healing in the early parts was....solitary. completely alone in his room just thinking or trying to fix himself. it worked well, but after a while he crawled out of his room, did every chore in the house and then started asking the various agents for help

he obviously asked eights for help, considering they are a DID system and actually know abt that kind of stuff. he was a bit embarrassed of how proud they were of him asking for Assistance, though

once he started feeling a bit more like himself again, he started asking A4 about some of her interests. geology, geography, nutrition, and math mostly. learning about them helped him get his brain back into use, and talking to her was always nice anyway

sometimes when he just felt like everything had escaped him, he'd go to gramps or callie or marie and ask them to tell him stories. usually of the NSBS's early days, sometimes of missions he himself was on. he learned a lot

i dont know when tuyen and nera (8.2) broke up but I wanna say he broke up w her during his healing, maybe not before RotM just during healing. just a simple "we aren't good for each other" and a long, tight hug. this I promise you was a crucial part of the healing process;;;;

even after they block out or just lose most of the stray thoughts, they still have Tartarus.

as they heal, they start acting like themself again. they get back into music, have a lot more energy, actually have the capacity to feel emotions other than "deep fear" , "pain ow" and "blind obedience"...

their healing is shown physically as well; their sanitation scars slowly fade into nothing but two slightly teal colored marks under their right eye. there are a few jokes about how this might help them with their inability to make good outfits, they think the jokes are hilarious

they still aren't fully healed by RotM, thankfully minor injuries like the agonizing sprain they had didn't make that specific healing any worse. they did start carrying around a bamboozler everywhere though...

a lot of their downtime in Splatoon 3 was spent making up utterly bullshit quotes to feed to Lyca and Neo. mostly live laugh love type stuff but they would also be unabashedly transgender very frequently . this helped a lot w self acceptance and recognizing their place in the NSBS, surprisingly enough!

completely off topic I just realized a lot of my NSBS headcanons make them out to be like..super obviously mentally ill but they hide it from the obviously mentally ill new recruits as a sort of injoke. marie w/ schizophrenia and eights & tuyen w multiple dissociative disorders & Callie w. all she has. they're so fucking funny]

during work they would assume the persona of Captain and be sort of a nuisance by providing cryptid info or hints to their past, and when they weren't working the were Tuyen Sango, the best older brother maybe ever

from a standpoint of media there won't ever be "full healing"; doing something like that in their position is IMPOSSIBLE. what they do instead is learn how to cope with their problems, let themself rest, heal as much as possible and do whatever they can to stay functional.

their scars won't magically disappear, Tartarus won't leave, the pain won't stop, but they have things that make it less Awful and they have a life that's worth living.

that's all they could hope for. all they could ever want

[yanderelovlies]

✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

It’s great ugh the sadness turned into joy. Maybe you like pain…I don’t know how to feel about that.

Yup. That makes sense especially with Elon musk making up so many weird rules and sometimes the toxicity on the site. I wish I can commission or use patron. But my mom can’t know or I will be in big trouble.

Oh that makes it worse to me since if I don’t know the teacher and do it online causes me anxiety feeling like I’m bothering them. Oh that sucks since I’m a person who needs to be explained in more intricate detail or I mess up something up and feel like a failure. Yeah nope I will fail especially math since math is fucking hard like why is there letters in math? Why so many equations?! Why does science have to do with it all the sudden! I feel the memories resurfacing. Sorry to hear that it sucks. Wow that’s a lot of points and low B? Viví I would be lucky to have that grade in school especially math since dammit I almost failed a grade because of it.

At least your worried, lots of parents unfortunately don’t realize the dangers of the internet on children. At least your looking after them. Have you talked about it to them though? Some children maybe feel your harsh because since your there sibling and not actually the mom they feel you shouldn’t have that authority. I know I felt that way with my older sis when she was onto me. Maybe talking about why there so angry about it will help? Sorry if this sounds offensive and I definitely have no say in the matter just wanting to ask about it since maybe they feel this way to be cool with there peers or something. Kids should have limits and your right for that.

Good good because I don’t like the idea of you were alone with him. At least he lost interest. Me too or unfortunately you could’ve gotten hurt. I don’t want to assume he had bad intentions but from how the news is it’s better to be a bit paranoid then feel nothing can happen to you.

Also my god at work today I’m so glad I was so calm because this lady when I asked what she wanted to drink she said a alcholic drink and when she was about to pull her identification which was paper I said I couldn’t take it and she got mad and she threw the fucking menu on the ground and angrily said “ Of course!” And I still had to order and when she got her main dish when I asked if she wanted cheese she said no and when I was walking away she said she wanted cheese. Later on when asking if she needed anything else she wanted to pay but in such a rude tone. After the payment was done I had to get another table order but when I went back she rudely said “ I’m finished.” And shoved her dishes to me with aggression. Like bitch I know your finished get the hell out if you going to act like that. I was close to just telling her I wouldn’t deal with her and she acts like she never got disciplined in her life and little children act more civil than her. Like my god you mother be ashamed of you right now how stupid you look. Ugh it was humiliating .

Me when i read that:

Oh that doesn't sound good. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF IM OVER STEPPING BOUNDARIES but if it's a money thing I wouldn't mind paying for a commission for you 💕

Oh, don't get me started in math! I made sure that was an in-person class cause I struggle so hard! I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I had for tests! AND I HAVE TO TAKE MORE FOR MY PROFESSION AAAAAHHH. Also I'm always worried about my grade due to my Fasfa indont want lose it cause I can't pay for college on my own 😭😭

No need to apologize I do appreciate your input. The oldest understands and is even willing to show it to me when I get curious. (I only check in once a month I give them space unless I hear or see something in passing I don't like.) I have talked to the youngest but doesn't make it easier cause they just see it as being mean. I just hope one day they will understand better.

Trust me I know. I've had terrible experiences so I tend to be more on guard with men i don't know well. I feel guilty about it sometimes, but bad memories and what I hear tells me otherwise.

Holy shit that sounds God awful. She was being a dick for not getting her way, and you're right her momma would be ashamed. Acting like a spoiled child in public. Disgusting.

[thesickestgirl]

I have a normal relationship with food and my perception of myself

Ever since I was young my dad was weird about food. I mean, when I was really young he was in the army and not home so I don’t even know. But then as I got older he eventually got fired for not being fit enough (I think?). After that he lowkey went crazy. Well, no. This man was crazy from the start. But he went more crazy. This time it was about food.

I remember in elementary school coming home from what felt like a long day, but what was probably just a ‘long day’ of learning multiplication. Whatever. I had math hw to do and I knew it would end with my dad yelling at me and me crying. My thought was “I should eat a snack BEFORE hw so that when dad makes me cry I can just go to my room and go to bed.” It was a rule to ask for food before you ate anything. I always thought it was normal to have to ask before you ate anything. Honestly I’m still not convinced that it’s not normal. I mean it does kinda make sense. If ur kid wants to eat a bunch of junk, they should ask so if it’s around dinner or smth you can tell them no so they’ll have room for dinner. But I had to ask before literally anything. If I hadn’t eaten in 3 days and I was starving, and I went to get something without asking, my dad would freak out.

I remember one time in 9th grade after my parents broke up. I was alone at my dad’s. My dad’s car pulled into the driveway while I was cooking ramen. I hadn’t asked to eat the ramen. I immediately freaked out. Thankfully I didn’t put the noodles in yet. I had only boiled the water. I was so scared my dad would get pissed at me for making something without asking. I was doing online school at the time and he was at work. I hadn’t eaten anything yet that day. It was like 5 pm. I just wanted ramen but I got so scared that he was going to yell at me about it. I got scared I was going to make him mad, and I don’t like being around angry men. He is the reason for that. My first thought was to get rid of the water and put the pot away and take the noodles to my room to eat dry. I picked up the pot, but too fast apparently, because it splashed the boiling water on the side of my lower stomach. It hurt so bad. I was crying. I didn’t want my dad to know. I went to my room crying and put ointment on the burn. I ate the dry ramen noodles.

I guess that’s just some backstory of part of why my relationship with food is weird. Here’s another part of it- I’ve felt fat for my whole life, but I’ve only BEEN fat for a year or 2. When I was in middle school I weighed around 110 lbs. I felt so insecure and big. I wanted to be less than 100. I wanted to be skinny. I started restricting, counting calories, fasting, and purging. I was cutting myself a lot too. I was just doing really bad. I was heavy into sh and ed instagram. I was literally 12. That’s so sad. Thinking about it being me isn’t sad, but like if it was any other 12 year old I would feel awful for them. Whatever though. So my disordered eating behaviors started around 2018/2019.

It got worse again in 9th grade. I was dating a girl who would constantly talk about how she hadn’t eaten in days and how skinny she was getting. I was jealous. I was super skinny at the time, but not good enough. I weighed about the same until the end of 10th grade. Or like the start of 11th grade. I started meds and I gained weight. I’m genuinely convinced the meds are what made me gain weight because I didn’t change my eating habits. It makes me so sad to know that if I never started these stupid fucking meds that don’t even work, I would still be skinny. Maybe. I honestly don’t know. It’s a hunch. Whatever

I’m now 170 something and I hate myself. I have a tummy, which I even had when I was skinny, but obviously it’s bigger now. I hate it. I started going to the gym w my fwb but we stopped talking because I got back w my ex (I mean it’s a W bc I have the love of my life but an L because I lost gym buddy). But ig the perk is, I got boobs. I don’t really know if it’s completely a perk. I mean I kinda like them and they’re really soft. Also I got my nipples pierced and it’s sick asf. If I didn’t have boobs it would look more weird. Whatever. My point is, I used to have a really skinny waist. I’ve never had hips, but I at least was skinny. Now I have no hips, no ass, and I’m fat asf. I hate myself so much.

I’ve been eating so much less lately. I mean when I do eat, I usually eat more calories. But I don’t eat more than a meal a day. I’m trying to cut down to nothing. I’m fasting right now. I’ve decided to go until tomorrow, I mean basically the day after tomorrow. I got a cute little app. I hope that I don’t fold. I don’t have money to be ordering anything and there’s nothing I desperately want here at my house, so I will probably do fine. As long as I drink a lot of water it should be fine. I hardly get hungry anymore. Idk what it is, but I’m really glad. I love it. I’m not losing weight yet because this started fairly recently and I don’t have a scale to know how much I weigh. But I can definitely notice the difference in how much I’m eating and I’m really proud.

This isn’t like…. And Edtumblr account.. I just felt like since nobody will find my page this is an okay place to talk about it. Idk. I mean it went on forever lol nobody would read this all.

Something else that kind of contributes to my issues in this department is that the love of my life also had food problems. He used to/maybe still does, maybe fast and purge, and occasionally work out. It makes me really sad to think about it, but also it feels like competition ? I know that’s an awful thing to say, that you view your romantic partner as competition. But I just felt if he was going to lose weight then why wasn’t I going to? I felt fat. And then after him I did talk to a couple gym bros and they also made me more self conscious about eating and working out. Whatever. I just felt like that part was an important contributor.

I don’t really have much else to say and I don’t know how to end this. More recently I’ve been an observer on edtwt…I just look at thinspo and save weight loss tips. I don’t post anything, god no. Also more recently, as I previously mentioned, I’ve had less appetite lately. I don’t know the reason for that. Maybe it’s because I feel so fucking depressed and suicidal. Literally all I want is to fucking die. I try not to think about it but it’s bad right now. Ermmm LOL sorry for turning emo right there. Anyways, my point is that I have less appetite and GOD BLESS THAT….

Seeing my psychiatrist today! Wish me luck

[spesphire]

( tragedy)

It was nothing more than a dream.

But something felt so vividly real, it was hard to forget. Him holding me oh so tightly and saying, “you sure you want this? There is no turning back. Promise me you want this and you want me. Promise me you won’t let go and love me through my worse.” I didn’t let him go. I kept holding him tightly without any regrets. And then we kissed. I woke up to my bittersweet dream. In a dream where we were having conversations about stuff. Me knowing I fell for him first, but he fell harder. Oh wow, such a quirky drama that dream was. I woke up with a nauseating feeling. My roommate was awake the whole night studying. I feel fell asleep because I felt tired and, well, suicidal. SHE DIDN’T SLEEP THE WHOLE NIGHT AND I DIDN’T STUDY THAT WELL! My food had gone bad. Which I was technically saving up till December. I got seemingly bad grades in math test. Nothing is going in my way, so how the freak am I supposed to calm down and study. It’s a war in my head. It’s all too much for me. I failed my bio test and I told my parents for the third time I want to kill myself. I’m a God Awful daughter. Oh, yeah, I have the busiest lab of the semester today and a chem midterm tomorrow. Don’t know how that’ll go. 

Oh yeah, the labs. Where they expect me to know everything and where this bitch owing my name ends up putting me in disadvantages.

Oh life, my life.

Everything would be so much better if I killed myself. No money for my parents to spend, no uncertain future, no crying till you feel numb enough to fall asleep, no midterms, no being a disappointment and oh my what life.

I feel sick. Like my heart's about to burst out if I don’t do something with it. No one to heal me. Well, even if they do heal me, it just doesn’t do anything. Sometimes it’s best to lie about my miserable state. Lie that I’m fine and I can do this. A lie that I tell myself and my family pretty often. It hurts. Everything hurts. Like how having a crush hurts. Hurts to know that no one, including that silly crush, will ever love me like that.

Hurts to be all alone, even though my favorite people say you aren’t alone.

Well, I was born alone and most probably die alone. I want to ask for help, but I can’t. Even when I get the help, it ends up being a blob of nothing.

Sorry for this rant. Thought I was going to write a fictional book based on my dream but look what it leads to.

My roommate is like 5 years younger than me and achieving more than me. 

I mean, I wouldn’t feel bad about it, but it’s my mother who makes sure I don’t feel great about it. Something about success means so much to her. To the point, I see ‘successes’ as a successful elder sister my mom loves the most. And I’m abandoned and constantly compared with her.

My mother is a whole different character to study. Sometimes I see her as the good witch. Even if she’s good, she is still a witch. Manipulation, base-minded, offensive, abused, unhappy for the good days ‘cause there’s no point of it and lastly psychotic in nature (sometimes).

Maybe that’s just every mother.

Or maybe, just perhaps, it’s only my mother.

The pages of feels is about to end. I must go back to my studying. My excuses are too much, but they are still invalid somehow.

Saying that everyone feels the same. It’s really normal.

I remember how bluntly the student advisor told me to drop my course that day. How bluntly she said, “it’s all over for you, try again next time.” Well, she didn’t say these exact words, but that was the summary of it. Huh, guess that’s what happens when you pressure the girl to become what she doesn’t want to become. A microbiologist. In my dreams, possibly.

The thing is, I don’t hate studying. I freaking love studying and doing homework. But the exams and evaluation is where I fuck up. Very badly, actually. I’m a girl who doesn’t want to taste defeat but gets defeated every time.

It’s just the beginning, and I’m really not sure how can I go on.

Along with my thoughts to end it all is scary enough. 

Hey.

I just want to live with a peaceful mind. I just want to function and do my studies like a normal freaking person. Making my parents proud seems good enough.

[ducknotinarow]

[CC Rasey]

Raph was being annoying, and Casey couldn't tell if it was on purpose or not. What he did know, was it was a great inconvenience, and he needed them to stop - and out right telling them wasn't working. And then Casey got an idea, one that he knew was fucking stupid, but it might actually work,

"A'right, yer 'ave yee'd yer last haw pardner!"

And when Raph did stop, and laugh, because even Casey admitted he sounded ridiculous, he took his chance and grabbed at the turtle, attempting to wrestle them to the floor so they'd knock it off, unable to stop himself from laughing along, throwing out a small threat,

"Yer lucky I aint got any rope on me, or I'd hog tie yer an' leave yer like that all day."

| Muse interaction

Raph felt so well there was no better word for it because it was true. He felt so fucking pathetic after what happened. Staring down into the small pond of watch, where the 'little Raphs' That Casey sometimes liked to call the turtles that lived in it resided. Casey was off doing something he hadn't fully paid attention just followed. That's all he done since finding his way back. Like some stupid chump. All he saw was a stupid, pathetic, useless turtle. Hell he was worse than these none mutants ones! Least they could go about their days here in the lake. Knew to get up and swim around get food bask in the sun even. Raphael? Pft he barely did anything once the sun came up. Aimless, he just watched Casey roll out of bed. Because the second their heat wasn't in his own hold he struggled to sleep. Another thing he called himself pathetic over. He would go ahead and wake up as well not much spoken between them outside Casey saying he was heading to go somewhere. Feed the chickens, or whatever. Raphael just nodded and trailed after them. Normal sitting off by himself well Casey went about his chores for the day. Casey didn't invite him nor say he couldn't. Raph didn't feel like he had to either. Well he did but not for any reason Casey could give.

No being alone, was a bad idea. He thought as he felt over the wrappings he kept around his wrists. Well aware of the cuts that laid under them, fresh at that. Slightly pressing his thumb against the fabric of the wrappings, giving a dull pain as he added it over the cuts working to heal. He shouldn't be alone he knew that much. But following Casey around like this? Made him feel useless. Watching Casey go about their day, Carter happily following them around tail wagging as they kept in pace and even helped here and there.

Great a dog had more use then him even. Raphael turned and looked back to the water. Once they were done here they should be just about due to take a breather. Raphael be getting used to Casey's routine. Hard not to since he followed them around like the idiot he was lately. Hardly even remembers what he used to do before, or what he would do if he was back at the lair. Eye trailed over away from Casey and the horses. Raphael wasn't mentioning much of what been going through his head these days, no reason to drag Casey down too. He knew he could it's wasn't about that. Casey has enough on his hands he doesn't need to take care of Raphael too. And, Raphael doesn't want to be left alone with his thoughts. Or in general.

Fuck he hated that more, Casey was bound to figure out Raph needed to be around them right now, why else would he be following them around like this? It was one thing for it to just across as a want, but a need? Casey knowing he was so fragile right now? Knowing he needed him or he might..hurt himself more. Raph took a moment to drag his hand over his face. Trying to redirect his thoughts to anything but the knotted mess in his skull. Everything was all over the place. He just didn't want to think about what happened, about the after math even, how his family insisted he stay home, how he wanted to go back and give Bishop a taste of his own medicine. Raphael had played that night over and over in his head. Where did he screw up how did they find him? What if Casey figures out he's two second from breaking? Him Raphael? Casey's gonna be heading over to fill the horses trough here soon.

That last thought was random but it tuned the rest out as he paid a glace back to Casey, before looking over to the trough. Moving up to stand now he made his way towards the set up. Leaning over to the side here and there he's watched Casey go over to these barrel looking things. Walking around to the back of it he see the know on top some? Balloon or rubber ball maybe? The pipe seemed to go from them to the trough though? He moves to start turning it when he hears the first trickles of water come through he turns it all the way now. Just watching the water do its thing as it rush out into the metal container. Simply staring at it it was going to take a moment to fill up still. So he turned to the side and eyed the barn. He knew the grain was in there. Casey still seemed pretty tied up with the horses so well the water filled he made his way inside. To grab one of the bags, bring it back out as he tried to recall just how much he gave to the horses.

Eh Casey will say if he got the wrong amount he figures, shrugging his shoulders before he starts to scoop out the grain and sprinkle it out onto the ground. By the time he had finished he didn't have to worry about the water as Casey had just headed over to do what Raph had started on looking confused for a second.

"What youes run 'his farm, clearly an idiot can run it so everythin' simple to handle." Raphael remarks a bit brash. Raphael's mood wasn't excatly everyone's cup of tea. Casey being one of few who could handle it, but even Raphael could own up thst since we'll everything he'd been a bit more testy and just rude over all. Even if Casey might had gone to speak up and tell Raph he didn't have to do anything. Raphael just didn't want to hear it. He knew he was useless as is he just didn't need Casey to say they didn't need him either right now.

"Sometimes shocked you mange to be able to handle it all ya never got a thought in that thick skull afta all." The teasing was a tad harsh and even Raoh picked up on that. It had nothing to really do with Casey, he was just. Raphael didn't know in the pits he guesses. He liked when he had Casey's attetion so he just kept his beak moving.

"Might why it take ya all fuckin' day to do anythin' too busy thinkin' bout all your country songs. Or what next country duds ya should wear. Half bettin' you get a bolo tie and be starting up ya washing board at the local hoedown. I know ya live on a farm but ya sure take dedication to knew levels." Aimming more for annoyance now which he did seem to achieve. As Casey seemed to leave his horses by the trough at the moment making his way towards Raphael. There was a tiny bit of a nervous tinge though despite how Raphael stood and titled his head to look up at Casey.

"A'right, yer 'ave yee'd yer last haw pardner!"

And the turtle lost it he didn't even have time to take in what Casey said. As his beak trembled and he had to physically lean over and hold his sides from the way he started to laugh at that. He was picking on them for being mister country but he wasn't expecting Casey to sort of embrace it just then. Fuck it felt good to laugh though. So much he didn't notice Casey next move coming. He would blame it on being half blind but even if he had both eyes Casey easily would have caught him off graud.

In Casey's hold as they started to struggles and get a better hold on him. Raph tried his best to prevent from getting trapped but it was hard todo when he had tears haze over the only eye he had. The fit of laughter he was in, joined in by Casey's own. As they kept struggling to overpower him. The scuffle was enough to knock his mask down around his neck blinding him as it fell down so Casey finally got the better of Raphael in the moment. Raphael gave up in the end letting himself fall back on to his shell as Casey landed above him.

Arms laid back on the ground as he he just let the laugh work out of his system slowly growing softer as he needed to try and breath and relax it back. Loving the way Casey's own laugh seemed to wash over him, feeling how it worked out from Casey's chest. The little vibrations kind of tickled and made her own laugh contuie a few second more. It felt nice.

"Yer lucky I aint got any rope on me, or I'd hog tie yer an' leave yer like that all day."

That kind of got to him, Casey not playing into his pitty party, not thinking Raoh couldn't help mkre surpised he just did. Raphael knows Casey's just used to handling all this stuff alone and wouldn't really ask anyone for help. That Casey didn't treat Raph like he was any different from before. Raphael looked at Casey quite no remark to the threat as he slowly moved to sit up, hand reaching to brush back some of Casey's hair and simply just hold on to the side if thier face. Casey didn't look at him any different either. He could see it now. Only one green eye but they held the same look.

Suddenly Raph grabbed Casey by the collar of his shirt and roughly tugged him forward. Capturing thier lips in a deep sudden kiss. He could feel the last seconds of thier laugh work across his beak before they reliezed they were being kissed and then how they planted thier hands on the ground. Melting into to kiss. It wasn't a sudden surge of passion, or display of affection even a slient unspoken 'thank you' thst Raphael held for as long as he could. Just keeping Casey close, he's being an ass and he might contuine being a ass for awhile but. He's Casey's asshole of a boyfriend that they still wanted to be around after he disappeared. After he turned up missing an eye, nearly as banged up one could be without getting ready for a long term stay below the soil. Finally he parted from the kiss, letting go of Casey's shirt to instead brush back thier hair.

"I love ya." He nearly whispers to Casey, nit loke anyone one else was around. Idly tucking strand s of hair back behind thier ear just holding his gaze on blue eyes, with a soft gaze behind them. Raphael might thinks he's pathetic and useless but he's positive Casey won't see it that way. He's just his annoying pain in the ass turtle, that fought tooth and nail to be right here. Back on the farm away from it all. The soft smile drops as he chuckles his usual chuckle now.

"Kinky though, wantin' ta tie me up?" He startsnto tease "I mean ya go thw practice maybe be interesting to find out how could you tie up some knots?" And he knows he's gonna pay for the next remark "we could try out the stuff ya keep under ya bed to though? I mean ya really wanna embrace all that country life style 'ight?" He's okay if he lands up on the couch. He just greatful Casey treats him the same.

Even when he's broken.