#fuck dude ive been working too much too. i probably worked over 30 hours last week. i dont even fuckign know anymore

[orcelito]

as someone with insomnia whose brain runs a mile a minute at all hours of the day every day always it's often hard for me to remember that i need sleep like everyone else does. like i see mentions of people sleeping and im like "lol couldnt be me" then i remember that i too must go unconscious every night, ideally for at least 8 hours a night, every single day, ad infinitum,

literally what is the point. i'd rather use my time for other things thanks

[kyber-kisses]

Sleep Demons

Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: sleep paralysis, nightmares, cursing. That good ol angst and fluff

Summary: Being a hunter, nightmares are just another part of the gig, the only problem? The readers are worst than most.

A/n: Once again, I’m throwing another Dean comfort!fic at you. (Try and stop me.) anyways, hope you guys enjoy and my SPN taglist is still open! I also based this off my own experience with sleep paralysis.

Nightmares were the bane of your existence.

You would think that being a hunter for so long that you wouldn’t be afraid of anything. You had seen everything from ghosts to the very devil himself. . . So what exactly was left to be afraid of? You would have thought the answer would be simple, but it wasn’t. It was about as long and complicated as the life itself.

As a life long hunter the days can easily blur together, and many times it can feel like you haven’t slept for days, but when sleep did come it was rarely ever relaxing. That was when the nightmares replaced the horrors of the waking hours, weaseling their way into every crack and crevice of your mind and paralyzing you with fear. . . Literally.

Your nightmares were worst than what most people had. They were twisted and warped and strong enough to partially make it into your conscious. Most of them were about people you had failed, people you had lost- and then there were the ones about people you were afraid to lose. Like Sam and Dean.

But the absolute worst ones were the sleep paralysis demons that came much too often. It was usually the same shadowy figure sitting at the edge of your bed when it happened. You had done some research on it when sleep didn’t come at all only to find out that it was the concoction of your body waking up but your brain still in dreaming mode, resulting in your nightmares being projected into the real world.

The end result was that the nightmares disrupted your sleep cycle and tried to jerk you out of it early, leaving your body in lock down mode while you were fully conscious. You had lost count of how many times you found yourself paralyzed in your bed. Sometimes you would even try to scream but nothing happened. The noise unable to escape your throat.

You of course didn’t tell the brothers of your problem. . . Especially Dean. He could usually read you like an open book but you tried hard to keep this hidden. You were a hunter. Hunters didn’t get scared. You didn’t need anyone’s judgment- so you suffered in silence.

And that’s the way it stayed for a very long time.

*. *. *. *. *. *.

“Y/N?. . . Y/N!” Dean sighed, his voice raising as he snapped his fingers in front of your face, snapping you out of your zoned out state. He had been talking to you for the past five minutes but only now noticed your lack of attention.

Blinking out of your thoughts, you looked across the table at Dean, finding his face screwed up in concern. “What?”

“I’ve been talking to you for the last five minutes- what the hell is going on with you?”

Shit. He was on to you. He knew something was up. Quick, feed him a lie.

“I’m fine! Just thinking about the case.”

At that you watched Deans face fall further, eyes filling up even more with concern. “Y/N we aren’t working a case. Now tell me the truth.”

In truth Dean had been concerned about you for awhile now. The bags under your eyes were there more often than not and this wasn’t the first time you had zoned out. He just didn’t know what was wrong specifically.

“Dean, I’m fine!”

The older Winchester let out a deep sigh, crossing his arms over the table as he leaned forward. “You’re sitting here drinking coffee at 11:30 at night. Sweetheart that ain’t fine.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “I’m just. . . So into this research. It’s a real attention grabber. Didn’t want to pass out.”

The hunter across from you rolled his eyes, clearly not taking the bait. “Well hate to burst your bubble there but that’s decaf.”

“Sam-“ you grumbled in annoyance, shoving the useless drink away from you along with your book. This whole conversation was turning into a train wreck. “I’m gonna kill him.”

The faint trances of a smile crossed Deans face, even if only for a moment. “Please don’t. Sure he’s annoying at times but he’s actually a decent brother.”

He was hoping to at least get a small smile out of you. . . But nothing came. Rolling your shoulders you gave him one last look before pushing yourself out of your seat. There was no point sitting here if you were eventually going to fall asleep. Plus, you really wanted to avoid telling Dean the truth. You didn’t need to burden him with more problems.

“I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” You yawned, already dreading the coming hours. “Good night, Dean.”

You didn’t even give him a chance to answer before you were stepping out of the library and down the dim hallway towards your room, leaving Dean in silence as he watched you go, expression still heavy with concern. He wanted to run after you, make sure you were okay- but he didn’t want to pester you, not when you looked so tired. He didn’t need to annoy you. . . Especially not at this hour.

It was maybe five minutes later that Sam strode in, claiming your now vacant seat as his own, only to find his brother staring off into the distance, deep in thought.

“Dude, you okay?” He paused, seeing he had yet to catch his attention. “Dean!”

“Hmm?”

“What the hell were you thinking about? You were totally zoned out.” Leaning back in the wooden chair, he folded his arms, waiting patiently for an answer.

“Has Y/N seemed off to you lately? Like not her normal self?

There was a pause from the younger Winchester before he answered. “I mean, she has seemed more tired lately, but that’s about it. Why?”

Dean chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to decipher the problem at hand. He missed the usual you. The vibrant and energetic you. Now that he had come to think of it, he hadn’t seen that part of you in a long time. You tried to act like your usual self but Dean suddenly realized there was a tint to it. What he and Sam had been seeing these past few months was just an act.

“God, I’m such an idiot-“ he sighed, head falling forward into his hands at the realization. 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Y/N! What else?” He half shouted, eyes darting back to the door to makes sure you weren’t listening in. “I mean, Ive been worrying about her for awhile now, but I just-.” he took a deep breath. “ Shes struggling with something.”

“Struggling with what?”

“Hell if I know!” Dean sighed, throwing his hands up. “I just tried asking her and she shut me down.”

“Then go talk to her.” Sam tried, seeing clearly that his brother wanted nothing more than to help you. Dean was always looking out for you, even if you didn’t always realize it.

“She went to bed. . . I’ll have to try talking to her in the morning.”

Sam tapped out around an hour later, going off to bed without a word, leaving Dean in a lonely silence. He was only half paying attention to the work he was doing, his eyes having gone over the same paragraph several times but not processing any of it.

It wasn’t until the clock on the opposite wall read 1:30 that he knew he had to surrender and give up. Maybe if he tried he could still squeeze in his average four hours of sleep before he had to get up and get back to work. Maybe it would help get his mind running again.

Peeling himself out of his seat and slightly stretching, Dean set off towards his own room, turning off the many lights that were still on as he went. The silence becoming almost deafening without the buzz of electricity.

It wasn’t until he was reaching for the handle of his own door that the silence was broken, a crash echoing down the hallway from the direction of your room and making him pause. Before he could register his own movements he was walking down the hall. He wasn’t sure if it was curiosity or worry that was pulling him along. Maybe it was both.

The hunter side of him wanted to throw open your door and burst in, but he kept himself calm, raising his hand to rap his knuckles against the door softly. “Y/N?” He paused, only twisting the knob a few seconds later when he didn’t get any sort of response.

He mostly expected to see you tucked under the covers and sound asleep, but instead he was met with a totally different sight.

You had your back pressed firmly into your headboard, knees tucked against you tightly while your hands were planted firmly against the headboard, almost like you had scrambled back in terror. Your eyes wide and glossed over with fear, tear stained cheeks a rosy red.

“Woah, hey. You okay?” His tone rushed as he stepped over the threshold, eyebrows knitting together in concern. He had never seen you like this and it made his stomach drop.

“Just-just a nightmare.” You panted, dragging a shaky hand down your face. “I’m sorry.”

You didn’t want to annoy him anymore than you probably already had. He needed his sleep too and now your stupid little problem had stopped him from that. You should have known this would happen sooner or later. If you had just put your damn laptop on your desk instead of leaving it on the bed, then you never would have kicked it off when you had snapped out of your paralysis.

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t need to apologize.” He breathed, “I get em too.” kneeling down, he picked your laptop up from the ground, setting it on your side table. Nightmares. He should have known. God, now he really did feel stupid.

“You- you can go back to bed. I’m fine.” You stuttered, looping your arms around your knees in hopes of finding some sort of comfort.

“Y/N, you’re shaking. That’s not fine. Now tell me what’s going on.”

Slowly he lowered himself to sit on the edge of your bed, watching you intently and giving all of his attention over to you. He wanted to help. He needed to help.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up. I didn’t mean to.”

“I wasn’t asleep. . . Plus I don’t sleep much as it is. Like I said, you’re not the only one who gets nightmares.”

“Oh.” You say in a lame response, looking down at your hands. You had been clenching them so hard that there were now crescent shaped divots in the skin of your palms. “I think mine can out beat yours though.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look up at him. He was probably giving you some sort of pitiful look. “Not really. But I know that if I don’t you’ll just keep worrying about me.”

“I’m always worrying about you.” He swallowed, “ain’t nothing new there.”

“As a hunter I thought I wasn’t supposed to be afraid of anything.” You explained, tugging your comforter back over your tucked in legs. “Yet somehow damn nightmares are the thing that is tearing me apart. I think mine are worst than most.”

“Why do you think that?”

Letting out another sigh, you finally looked up, eyes locking with his jade ones. He looked concerned. He looked sad. “The sleep demons. The paralysis. They used to be rare but now it happens almost nightly.”

“I’m sorry, sleep demons?” His tone slightly raising in surprise. He wasn’t expecting to hear that. Hell, he didn’t exactly know what you were talking about.

You let out a soft hum, nodding your head in defeat. “They’re hallucinations linked to sleep paralysis. It occurs when a person is jolted awake in the middle of dreaming.” You paused, trying to find the best way of explaining it. “Basically you wake up - but your brain is still dreaming, and it projects your nightmares into the real world.”

Dean was silent for a moment, taking in the information slowly. You had been dealing with this by yourself? Alone? Why didn’t you come to him or Sam?

 “Why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you sooner.”

“Didn’t want to bother you- plus, I hate even thinking about it, Dean. Everything about it is terrifying.”

Chewing on the inside of his lip, Dean dared to venture further into the conversation. If he wanted to help you, he needed more answers. “You could never bother me. I need you to know that.” He paused. “Now what is this sleep paralysis or whatever like?”

There was a stretch of silence from your end before you answered. “Awful. In every sense of the word. The first thing I usually see when I wake up is the same shadowy figure sitting on the end of my bed. I don’t know who or what it is, all I know is that it’s a concoction that my head made up. Maybe it’s how I envision fear, I don’t know.” You shrugged. “And when it happens I can’t move. I can’t blink. I sometimes try to scream but nothing comes out. Sometimes it lasts a few seconds. Sometimes a few minutes. And the whole time I just have fear coursing through me. It’s basically like starting a dream and waking up in the middle of it.”

“Y/N, you should have come to me! You shouldn’t have to suffer alone like that!” Dean let out a sigh, giving you one of his defeated looks that made your heart break in two.

He couldn’t imagine going through what you did on a nightly basis. Being awake and not being able to move? Not having anyone to help you? Sure, he had nightmares but those were nothing like this. They were usually about losing you or Sam. . . Or about the people he had failed to save.

“I’m sorry- I just-“ you panted, unable to form words as tears formed in your eyes. You were so tired, and still so scared. Your own mind would be the thing that killed you if this kept going.

“Hey, hey it’s okay.” Dean hurried, shifting so he could pull you into him, his arms wrapping around you to rub soothing circles on your back, almost instantly calming you. “It’s alright. I got you.”

You couldn’t help it that you were practically clinging to him like a life line. He radiated safety and comfort in way that nothing else did. Resting your forehead against his shoulder, you inhaled. He still smelled like cheap motel soap and something distinctly himself. It was calming. You almost didn’t notice that one of his hands had gone to cradle the back of your head, or that his cheek was pressed to your temple. he was just that gentle.

Dean Winchester. Both soft as cotton and tough as nails. That was one of the reasons why he was so dear to you. . . Along with everything else that made him him.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Y/N. I’ll always be here if you need me.” He muttered, pulling back just enough to press a kiss to your head.

“You can go to bed. I’ll be fine on my own.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” He gave you a soft grin as he toed off his shoes, taking up the empty portion of your bed, and hooking his arm around you, pulling you close. “I ain’t leavin you. Not now. Not ever. Sometimes even the monster hunter needs to feel safe.”

You should have resisted. Told the stubborn man to go back to his own room and leave this all in the past. . . But he felt so safe and warm. He was like a magnet and all you could do was let him pull you in, securing you in his hold.

“Also, just so you know- whenever I get a nightmare I’m coming and crawling into your bed.” Dean mused, nuzzling into your shoulder. “You just signed a contract.”

and that is exactly what happened. Because for almost every night after the first, You and Dean helped fend off each others nightmares. When you woke up frozen in fear, Dean was there besides you reminding you that you were safe until eventually the shadows slipped away. As for Dean, only reality was the woman held fast in his arms.

End.

Taglist:

@familybusinesswritingbro​​​​​​@a–1–1–3 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ @music-is-all-i-need @agusdoti​​​​​​ @callmekda​​​​​​ @jordangdelacruz​​​​​​ @orphiceseum​​​​​​ @andthatsmyworld​​​​​​ @marvelfangirllll​​​​​​ @fandomnerdespressourself​​​​​​ @gladiosamicitias​​​​​​ @castielsangelsx​​​​​​ @lxstgxrl-ck​​​​​​ @tis-i-the-wayward-idgit​​​​​​ @amendoise​​​​​​ @phoenixuprisingsstuff​​​​​​ @ericalynne007​ @kaitlaitlaitl​​​​​​ @neerness​​​​​​ @totallyluciferr​​​​​​ @supernaturalenchanted​​​​​​​ @dolanfivsosxox​​​​​@supernatural-ocs @emptycanvasposts​​ @akshi8278​ @defenderrosetyler​​ @heyyy-hey-babyyy​

[solskens]

ALL remaining questions lol

1. Are you enjoying yourself?

whenever i can, yes. rn im sitting outside n drinking ice tea n hanging out with my plants, thats nice!

2. Do you miss how life used to be?

no, not really - my life was overwhelming, and i appreciate the pause. however, i dont think there should have to be a pandemic for that, and i am terribly sorry for everyone who has to deal with all the negative consequenses of this. but i dont miss life before so much

4. What drinks do you have in the fridge right now?

in MY fridge theres like only garlic n butter, but im not home rn, but idk what my gfs family have in their fridge, omly drink there thats mine is some lemon ice tea, which im quite frankly addicted to 😬☕️🍋

5. What snacks do you have in your house right now?

like candy, lemon muffins and lentil chips i think? yet again, at my gfs house, not mine. at mine theres a bunch of shit bc i have a food box with Long Expiry Dates foods n snacks

9. How long do you think you can last like this?

i dont know, a few months. i’ll miss my friends and family too much after a while

10. What is the last thing you've read?

like, this question, but other than that i read the news earlier, or like an union article

11. What show are you catching up on?

catfish!!

12. Are you a "stay in pajamas all day kind"of person?

NOPE, gotta put real clothes on or ill get sad 👖🥰🌈

14. What time did you wake up today?

like 7:30? or something like that? my neighbours alarm went of n they really can sleep through their alarms for 2+ hours n only snoozing sometimes.

15. Are you staying active?

yup, we go on daily walks!! and i run while my gf works out at the gym, so today we went to the gym together n i ran home from there, through some woods n stuff 🏃‍♀️🌳💪

16. Are you staying hydrated?

yeah ive always drank a lot of water

17. How long do you think this quarantine will last?

not long enough dude n then well gotta be quarantined again bc ppl will get sick again

18. If you had to study one subject everyday for the rest of this quarantine, what would you study?

probably architechture, since thats my major n like, what i gotta Study. i dont, though. quarantine be ruining my focus etc. or french bc i like french n wanna mov to france or french speaking canada for a while

19. How much weight do you suppose you'll put on by the time this quarantine is over?

hah fuck this question dude

20. What's your favorite board game?

one where its like spies n shit n u lie, i think its called spyfall n me n my friends play it from time to time

21. What's your favorite card game?

seven!! bc me n my friends played it all through high school

23. What's your favorite tv show?

bbc:s version of les miserables Oh Lord am i gay for miss lily collins there dear madam👀🥰🤪😍

24. What's your favorite snack?

bread💛

26. What's your favorite beverage?

tea, or peach ice tea, or white wine ☀️

27. What do you like most about the quarantine?

not having to go to classes n just being home

28. What are you finding most challenging about the quarantine?

not seeing my friends or family and also official things taking a longer time bc other ppl r home

29. Do you think COVID-19 is as bad as the media says it is?

uh sure?

31. What have you learned so far from this experience?

i hate being alone 😍😍😍

32. Are you introverted, omniverted, or extroverted?

omni, probably, but idk yall maybe extroverted or introverted i dont know dude

34. Who are you most worried about?

everyone forced into harmful situations whether its abusive family or going without income or being isolated and elderly. 🥺

35. Who was the last person you texted, called, facetimed?

texted: my best friend ev, called: my gf to come pick me up from the woods, facetimed: my twin bc i just wanted to say hi 🥰🥺

36. What three emojis best describe your attitude towards what's going on right now?

😔😬👀

37. If you had to live in one item of clothing for the rest of this quarantine what would it be?

my pink hoodie!! 💕

38. What was the last meal you cooked and how did it taste?

beef n oven potato with tzatziki, it was good!! very garlic-y✨

39. What's your favorite restaurant? Is it closed?

a chinese one back home at in my parents town n idk, hopefully it is but idk 😬

40. What is your favorite store? Is it closed?

ahahaha the grocery store n nooo its not ❣️

41. How many things have you purchased online since being in quarantine?

only medicine, so like 1 package of things!!

42. What was the last thing you purchased online?

pain meeeds which my pharmacy had run out of

43. What's getting you through these tough times?

my gf n therapy n being in nature

44. Are you keeping up with the news?

sometimes i read the paper, sometimes not! it can be a lot n i think its completely okay to stay sort of uninformed, as long as you are informed enough to keep yourself n others safe 💛

45. Are you stressed?

yup, always am maam 😔🙏🤪

46. Tell me something positive.

the weather has been rly nice where i am lately so my plants are doing great! n im sure we all will thrive soon, too, just not my tomato plants 🌿❤️🍅

47. Give me some advice.

break up with ur partner if you constantly feel anxious bc of them. its not supposed to be like that honey 🍯💛

48. What's your favorite quote?

”And we love, as they loved on Lesbos long ago”, its renée vivien translated by some girl

49. What's your favorite book?

black iris

50. Tell me an interesting fact.

the first person i befriended at uni was also a lesbian, n we started talking totally by chance 🌈🌿

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[wirtdonut]

all the creepy shit, i dare you to answer all of it

MATT PLEASE omg ok 

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

idk who I said it to tbh??? probably @trenazlore and YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH !!

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

NO OH MY GOD IM JUST AN OLD GRANDMOTHER 

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

always ???? I mean like lately people have been really nice to me and Im happy because wow!! you like me!! also Im aggro because I hate me lol 

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah I smile at them all the time?? Its kind of something I got used to after working retail for so long 

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Im not dating anyone lol also who the fuck cares ??? 

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Heathens by 21p is ALWAYS on the radio and it reminds me of @bearlylocal because Josh Dunn is her boy 

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

omg my Yamaguchi Tadashi cosplay shorts and a Celty Sturluson t shirt with the neckline cut lower and the sleeves cut off 

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every day but its usually pandora or the radio in the car

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Im not a pants wearing girl but I wear jeans/nicer pants to work  

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

TWENTY THIRTEEN 

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Social! I used to be antisocial but working in retail has really helped me open up to people and now I wont SHUT. UP

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Nope 

13. What about ‘R’?

No lol 

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

NOOOO Scary

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah and no like ???? Ok if I dont know abot it then whatever I guess

16. Are you going out of town soon?

Going up to LA for an anime con in January!! 

17. When was the last time you cried?

I almost cried last night for no reason??? um probably a few days or weeks ago??? 

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah all the time!

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

I would LOVE green eyes omg

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

FATGUM Or Justin Tomimori OR my pet rabbit Quincy

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I bought a vacuum that was too small and now I have to take it back to the store ugh

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Sure!

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

NO Omg

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my bed which is currently unmade and naked (also theres a bunny in my lap!)

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Kristin and I say it to each other all the time ! Also Danni and most of my other friends 

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

YEAh

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

UUUuhhh tumblr user @fatyumm

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Maybe one or two bad ones a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I think I bought it at an anime con? 

30. Does anyone hate you?

P sure my two ex besties lol 

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

AHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahHH YEAh

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I love scary movies omg!!! rec me some !

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No Im too much of a weenie for that 

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

GOD 

freshman year of college? I would want to never move away fro school tbh 

35. Did you have a dream last night?

YEAH it was almost sexy but I kept getting INTERRUPTED

then I had another one with my ex bestie in it 

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night!

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Doubful 

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

At least two tumblr anons I think 

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I hope so!

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I felt really sick when I first got to work and then later on before bed but other than that it was ok 

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

lol no try a whole year back 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I HOPE The cute sample girl is working at the store Im stationed at tomorrow 

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

not that I can think of off the top of my head

44. What’s the best part about school?

NOTHIng 

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

So many

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

I DID in like seventh grade lol 

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

YEA all the time 

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Think so, yeah!

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

nope! I dont go to school anymore and i dont work at a pet store so things are p different 

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

fuck idk??? Id LIKE to be writing fic

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

My dad ???? No but he IS a homophobe

52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try really hard to be !

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

YYEeeeaaaa

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Ive done it before and I know I can do it again 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Im SO good at pretending Im not crying 

56. Do you think you like someone?

Fatgum

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

NOoooo

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls and nb people

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Kristin had to deal with me crying all through the second half of RENT

60. Do you hate anyone?

No one I know personally but I wouldn’t be mad if something really terrible happene dto T/r/ump

61. How’s your heart?

It’s beatin

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

UUUMMM.....I just dont really like talking about what I was like in middle school I guess

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

YEAH64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the ex besties lol 

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

they arent painted at all lol

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

sure hope not!

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

FUck if I know! I mean, I would hate to see the person Im with crying 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

my pants are always falling down because my butt is small 

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mom 

70. How do you look right now?

probably.....tired

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

lots of people!

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes!

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

”Opposite” sexes dont exist but I only have one close guy friend and we havent talked in a while but! I feel like I can tell @adol everything

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

lol when your bestie gets a bf

75. Did you wake up cranky?

no, just exhausted

76. Are you a jealous person?

I like to think not

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

I like to think so but....havent really ever experienced one that was

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

HMMMmmmm

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Id kill to see any of my friends rn but they all live far and Im poor lol

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

go to work and sell some Indian food

81. Last person you cried in front of?

honestly, probably Kristin but if we’re counting non humans? my bunnies

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

most of my friends, I HOPE

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

god I hope Fatgum is protective of me 

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE so probably just staring at each other awkwardly 

(this is about both Fatgum and Justin)

85. Are you over your past?

who knows

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

WHATS AN OPPOSITE SEX LOL and no

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Kristin!! 

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I mean who says anyone Ive dated in the past has been a “true love” of mine 

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

IT WAS LITERALLY A RANDO AT SOME ANIME CON SO GOD NO 

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

UUUUUUmmmmmmm.......I dont think my friends or family were ever fond of some of my exes....

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

dang, sure hope so

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Ye, but we dont talk anymore

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nah

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No, I had just broken up with someone :/

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

IDK if I liked anyone in March??? I dont think I did

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

@hamsa-heart???? YES97. Who do you have texts from?

Kristin, Hazel, my mom, my boss, etc

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

sucks to suck but live your dreams dude

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

YEa

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

I dont think theres anyone else in any of my profile pics

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

GOD I WISH102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

YYEEEAaahhh

[rockinem777]

Is this isn't even 30% of my life's fucking tragity & I still have the heart to do good for people and love like y'all are bitch made fr

I have been through so much fucking bullshit and deception and straight betrayals are an understatement to everything I have been through. I've lost my best friend. I have walked away from people I loved. I have let a grown man take advantage of everything in me he could and leave me with nothing but hate for myself. My best friend in high school wrote the first statement on me. My fiance in West Virginia has given up on me. I have never met anyone as solid as me. My best friend Kat Lynn fucking dumb fake ass bitch. She's causes a world of problems. Never did I once say a bad thing about her. My parents know I'm dying. They don't give a fuck. My dog is dying. Like lemme make it real fucking clear for you who doesn't seem to know who the fuck I am and wtf I've been through. I got my TBI cause I jumped out of a car cause the mfer told me I wouldn't. Well let me make it more realistic. My first love and I were fighting and his dad made me go home. In the car I wanted to jump out. He said I wouldn't and long story short I opened the door and the brakes through me out the door 55Mph I landed on my skull. I was unconscious for 9 days. I had to learn how to talk again. Like all for that first love of mine to leave as soon as I got out the hospital. All I had to talk to was myself. And that's just the beginning. I was suicidal then I'm suicidal now. I've lost every friend on my way here because they're fake liars back stabbers ect. My only friend Melanie Wade is who I could talk to. I used to watch her son and talk to her for days. She really understand me. She got shot in the head years ago. She was like my second mom. I talked and seen her more than my real mom. I ain't been the same since. My GMA and GPA knew I was gonna be homeless or kicked out of something when I was 16. They didn't let me stay at their house. Neither did my brother. The amount of times I've been beaten and thrown out this fucking house is an ungodly sin. And I don't want your fucking pity. The only reason I get to stay here now is cause I gave my mom a 75 thousand dollar check which I get 100 dollars a week of which she Hates to come up off of. which if I would have kept I bet you money id be dead. Ive moved out on my own with bfs and to drug houses like 5 times. 7th Street. Port republic. 10th St shout out to that nigga that gave me this fucking MRSA Gary lmao (this was the first house I was 16) scottsville. Norfolk. Like my first bf that was a mess. 4 years down the drain. IDK EHAT LOVE IS. 2nd bf my best friend at the time for years the only reason I dated that mfer is cause he would beg me for years so I figured id try. He ended up abusive. He ended up crazy. I ended up running out his house bleeding from stepping on the broken glass omw out walking from 7th to 250 near step-n-out. No phone. I got home cause that mfer came and got me and took me home no let him cause he promised I could go home. He used to refuse to let me leave. Throw me back into the house into the bedroom. Me and his son ooo malakii used to sleep and cuddle and rainy nights were the best with that amazing 5year old boy. Not that I know him anymore but whatever. Then we got that last one lmao wtf happened with that. Like fuck my life he told me I would see that none ofbthose mfers gaf about me and I guess I wanted to prove him wrong about a couple months ago when I lost all hope and I've became manically depressed I got a lisence plate that said, "told ya" like thanks. Soooo let's begiin on me being claimed by the KKK and forever fucking slave to some one or guy idk how it works tbh. Better than being sex trafficed right? I guess so. Like Garrette bar was the funniest and most loyal friend you could ask for and its a damn fucking shame he took his life over that fucking dumb whore cause she's the definition of vindictive and spiteful and evil. Hell yeah I love live blah blah blah loves you dillan I miss you. I should've ditched and went to hburg that nughtbeih you. Instead I've been having my hair pulled and legit hit and smacked around and screamed at by this mistake of a ex boyfriend John micheal which this should have been awarded with best human pickier me. Cause obviously I know how to pick the worse fucking ones cause up until today. I thought he loved me. I thought I could make it work. And tbh it was my last hope. He was my last hope and here we fucking are and fr I took 50 sleeping pills the other night and novlie he walked out on me and was clueless until he was dragging me around me bed by my hair and head calling me a bitch 2 days later for asking him "what he problem was now" in my sleep but he legit says I deserve it. He's called me a bitch twice today and oh yeah he pushed me off my bed into my closet which I like flew but anyway I smacked my head on the closet. And he watched me lay there for about an hour holding my head not saying a word. While he just got rude and acted like a douche. But then he picked me up off the floor and left me on the bed to tell me he was gonna leave me. Then I was ignoring him of course idk what to say cause obviously after forcing my hands off my ears while he screamed hateful shit into my ears 2xs he still grabbed me by my head and hair on my bed after throwing me ect and called me a bitch and told me about how his cousin is gonna come get him. So long story short I'm not trying to fix shit and he's laying on my floor saying he don't want me and blah blah blah long story short I wish I never fucking met the guy he popped my cherry. I hate myself for letting him docthisnto me if I could go back in time and never meet him. I would. I hate him. Up until today I swear I loved this mfer so much. Like I thought it was meant to be. Like omg if you don't want to be here anymore 😭 but I wish I was dead. But yeah but fr the way I let him treat me is disgraceful and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for allowing it and like I'm not sure if that isn't the only reason I stayed this long like I was trying to vouch for myself for chasing after a man 2xs my age who was clearly just getting more abusive and mean and shamelessly more selfish by the day. Anyway I don't know what you think of me and I don't give a fuck honestly cause your fucking retarded if you don't know who the fuck has put in so much work and gave up so much fucking of my entire fucking life for the credit and adoration I receive. And no I don't ever remember the bad times. I have so many compressed memories. Like dude getting teeth taken out and getting brutally beat up and bitten and raped like and almost trafficed but I escaped. Like but fr I don't have a bone in my fucking body that has I'll intent for anyone. Always look for the helpful way. Always help who needs to be helped. Always there for people. I'm a good fucking person. Probably better than you. And I'm no longer interested in the position I think I had. I give people clothes and feed them and take care of who needs it. I'm a 100% spectacular human being and I'd be a jealous fucking asshole too if I had half the fucking mind to be as cruel hateful mean and selfish as almost everyone else around me seems to have.

[mochabeesnuts]

For the ting (go skkrrrrrat) thing. All of them

*yells* Da ting go skkkkrrrraaa, papakakaka Skivipipopop and a poopooturrrboom Skrra, tutukukututoom, poompoom

1. selfie

HNNNG OK UH. UGH. HRM. FINE. A;JKFG

hnnng asdfj;klad aNYWAYS

2. what would you name your future kids?

im not sure honestly, i feel like its one of those things where i have to meet them first. and honestly i dont think about it too much because i plan on adopting so chances are they’ll be old enough to already have a name. idk, im not picky about age. i feel like its going to be one of those things were i’ll just. know which kid needs me and that will be that.

3. do you miss anyone?

mm i miss my dogs at home. but i get to visit soon so!

4. what are you looking forward to?

im looking forward to january and seeing my friend. im also looking forward to next semester and getting a fresh start. also the possibility of getting a cat soon

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

heheh yeah there is

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

y.u.p. jesus fuck

7. what was your life like last year?

um. it was hard. and painful. but it was a learning experience and i think im stronger for it

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

yes

9. who did you last see in person?

uhh i saw my roomie like a half hour ago when i was walking home

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

i used to be a fucking master at it. cant tell if i miss that skill or not

11. are you listening to music right now?

yup! trying to find some new songs to listen to regularly

12. what is something you want right now?

i dont know actually

13. how do you feel right now?

i feel... mm i feel kinda peaceful. i feel like a lot of weight has been taken off of my shoulders but i still have so much on my plate. but i have a clearer mind to work on those things now so it’s a start

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

umm i got a hug from my dad on friday. if dad doesnt count then um.. hm... *squints* a long time

15. personality description

passionate. when i feel something i feel it strongly. whether its good or bad its fucking there and i almost always act on it. i dont hesitate but i try to be as considerate as possible. i try to be a people pleaser. and im also very determined. heheh, look at that i managed not to make that negative, kinda happy with that tbh.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't?

yes, just once i think. i told someone it was ok that they were leaving me and that it was ok they were breaking my heart instead of telling them how i actually felt. i wanted to say it, but i knew that making them feel worse for it wouldnt do either of us any good. so i kept my feelings to myself.

17. opinion on insecurities.

we all have them. a lot of them. and they overwhelm even the best of us at times. whether we choose to or not we wear them on our sleeves and theyre one of the hardest things to fight against because our greatest and strongest enemy is ourselves. being your own greatest friend is fucking hard, and insecurities play a large role in that.

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago?

no. i dont. i was sad and lonely. i didnt feel like i belonged anywhere. but thats not true anymore, and id never want to go back to that.

19. have you ever been to New York?

nope!

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

i have a few songs that i love a lot rn but mmm i can put down the one that i relate to a lot today? Machine by misterwives is a big mood for me rn and its nice the other hella big mood and this one has been putting the biggest smile on my face is salt by bad suns

21. age and birthday?

18 about to turn 19! my bday is november 30th :D

22. description of crush.

theyre human. they work hard and theyre passionate about what they love. a complete and utter dork that gets excited and can go on an on about what they find interesting and i can honestly listen to it all day. theyre sweet and silly and creative and smart as hell. theyve been there for me through so fucking much and we’ve both hit our low points and shown darker sides of ourselves but despite that we’re both still here yknow? and that, idk that means something to me. because anyone can stick around through the bright and beautiful stuff, the easy parts. but it takes someone special to be there and still just, want to be in your life even when shit hits rock bottom.

23. fear(s)

im honestly not sure. i never really have been.. i mean.. hm. idk. spiders maybe. but lately theyve bugged me less. usually instead of freaking out if i see spiders or bugs now i just help them get outside so i dont think that counts anymore.. idk. im sure im afraid of something, everyone is. i just.. dont really know what it is. one of my friends said i may be afraid of the unknown which is possible. *Shrugs*

24. height

5 ft 9 in!

25. role model

dont really have one

26. idol(s)

nani the fuck this is the same question

27. things i hate

i HATE people that treat customer services like shit. i hate lying and i hate high school drama(tm). i also hate eggplants.

28. i'll love you if...

you be yourself

29. favourite film(s)

the chronicles of naria, httyd 1 and 2, little mermaid, anastasia, inkheart

30. favourite tv show(s)

how i met your mother, stranger things, kekkai sensen, your lie in april, brooklyn 99, firefly, voltron

31. 3 random facts

1. ive jumped off a cliff

2. jellyfish can produce asexually as well as sexually. they can clone themselves!

3. mitochondria is still the powerhouse of the cell

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

girls

33. something you want to learn

i want to learn more about marine biology, i miss it

34. most embarrassing moment

mm wasnt the most embarrassing and it was actually kinda funny but its recent-ish so.

last year in instrumental rep class we were at the concert hall and this pianist was playing for us on stage, pro and fancy from out of country and everything. and i hadnt been getting much sleep so when she started playing all this slow and pretty music i passed tf out. problem was. i was sitting in front of my entire class/all my friends. and apparently just as she finished a song i started laughing in my sleep just like a mumbly “heheheh” but it was deadass quiet so EVERYONE heard it. and when someone nudged me awake like, everyone was looking at me but i didnt know why. and i went the entire fucking class not knowing it had happened and it wasnt until after the class ended and the performer got off stage that everyone burst out laughing and told me what happened. they fucking called me chuckles for a week lmao

35. favourite subject

music, photography, english, marine biology

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

1. i want to be successful enough that i can repay my parents for everything theyve done for me

2. i want to be the composer for a big name film

3. its.. dumb but i just really want to be in a happy relationship. a real one. its probably not the best thing to want as a dream but ill be real, ive been in love with the idea of love ever since i was a kid and that never really went away, just my chances in believing it’s something that will happen in my life.

37. favourite actor/actress

hmm i probably have one but its not coming to mind

38. favourite comedian(s)

kevin hart

39. favourite sport(s)

i love watching ice skating, love participating in swimming. used to do it competitively

40. favourite memory

ahh its hard to pick one plus this feels a bit personal!

41. relationship status

single as a pringle.. which doesnt make sense because pringles come in packs but it rhymes so fight me ok

42. favourite book(s)

inkheart, chronicles of narnia, my sister’s keeper

43. favourite song ever

what’s up by 4 non blondes, also 7 layers by dotan

44. age you get mistaken for

early 20s

45. how you found out about your idol

bruh

46. what my last text message says

hnnng its “Good night, I love you mom!” sdfj;lkgsd

47. turn ons

ive answered this a few times before

48. turn offs

ive answered this a few times before

49. where i want to be right now

mmm, im happy where i am for now i think.

50. favourite picture of your idol

ffs

51. starsign

Sagittarius 

52. something i'm talented at

music, photography

53. 5 things that make me happy

1. my friends

2. my plushie/soft things

3. music

4. rain

5. the fact that each new day is a chance for something new. idk why but that fact has just made me feel better a lot

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

my friends. theyre all going through a lot and i want to help but i can only do so much

55. tumblr friends

you know who you are bbs

56. favourite food(s)

this is always strangely hard for me to answer. theres an udon place back at home though that i can safely say is my fav.

57. favourite animal(s)

jellyfish, dolphins, dogs, cats, sea turtles, jorunna parva (sea bunnies), dragons

58. description of my best friend

i have a couple. both are kind and passionate as fuck. theyve been there for me through thick and thin and i wouldnt trade them for the world. theyre also going through so much fucking shit rn and i want to be there for them as much as i can

59. why i joined tumblr

because all my homestuck trash friends had one and convinced me to make one. i didnt know wtf to do on this hellsite for a solid 4 months

60. ask me anything you want

you gotta ask me anything you want my dude lmao, just pop into my inbox with whatever question you want to ask and i’ll answer it honestly

[moestavern]

My Boss is A Fucking Bitch and I Hate Him

I know other bosses are worse but im 18 and this is my second job and i hate this man so leave me alone while i list off every fucking reason i think my boss is a terrible human being. This will probably be a little all over the place and involve a lot of rambling. 

Okay. So im not gonna say what pizza place i work for but just know that i work for one and that all the names that i use are fake/

lets start off with the fact that my boss is a 30 year old man who were gonna call James for the sake of not using his real name or what ever. James is a fucking ass hole. Hes a terrible human in almost every way that i can think. His work ethic is the shittyest ive ever seen. 

Hes lazy. The hole damn night he sits behind the cut table on his phone. The only work that he fuckin does is when he pulls pizzas out of the oven and cuts and boxes them cuase were busy as hell and he has to do work and thats the easyest work that he can do. He’ll yell at Lars (a friend. also hates James but not like the rest of us) for letting me stay till 11-12 so i can get some extra hours when Lars is closing but when James is closing he’ll keep me and Kerry (my best friend and got me the job here. I love her and she hates James too) till 1130ish just so we can do the closing work that he dosent want to do. 

He goofs off and then forces others to deal with the consiquinces and he wont take responsability for jack shit. Just last night he threw parm cheese at Beth. Beth decided to throw a sauce cup back at James and it hit the wall that im supposed to clean every night before i leave. This resulted in 1) them getting yelled at by a coustamer that James proceded to ignore and 2) a huge splosh of sauce on the wall that im suposed to clean. James came up to me saying that i should be mad at Beth for the splash on the wall because he loves to try and stir shit up and i told him that i wasetnt mad at her cause he threw stuff first witch isnt out of the ordinary for him. and that i wasent cleaning it cause the reason i should be cleaning the wall is becuase some times the grease from the oven gets on the walls or something gets on the wall when people go to throw stuff away whatever. But he insisted that I was gonna be the one that cleaned that wall even thought i have fucking nothing to do with the situation. Marry ended up cleaning the wall becuase shes a fucking saint and i love her. When i told James that i really should thank Marry for doing that and taking care of his mess because shes a good person he said that shes not a good person and over all i just really hate james. 

He is really perverted and gross. I used to be friends with a girl that we’ll call Elvis. All the names are fake and im not good at coming up with names. Oh well. Elvis is 18 years old. Elvis and James hooked up 3 days after i took Elvis by my work place for 20 minuets (it would have been less if James and he hadent been so chatty) so that i could say hi to Mark and Kerry and tell them about the convention that we were coming home from and so that i could grab my work scedule for the next week. Not only is he hooking up with 18 year old emotionally fragile girls but he follows every semi-attractive female out of the store and will make really gross jokes to them. We have complaints on Google about him. Hes even going as far as to saying that he just knows that Beth (who is 16 btw) has a crush on him and how shes cute but only if she was a little older and ugggggg i hate him so much hes so fucking gross.

James is hypocritical as hell. He plays around too much then yells at people for playing around to much. He sparys me with the sanitizer spary going as far as to chase me out of the store with the bottle so that he could dump it on me. He dumps stuff like corn meal and oregono on Alex, Beth, and me. He held Lars down and tried to encourage me to throw a thing of paper at him. Hes a total ass hole. And is you get him back he HAS to get you back FAR worse. Hes to prideful to not get the last or biggest laugh. But he yelled at me for sticking a peice of ice down Alex’s shirt once. 

He argues with coustamers. and at fisrt it was entertaining somewhat. Now its really just plain annoying. He’ll follow them out of the store yelling at them and getting in there face. Its totally unprofessional. He never behaves professional in any way at all. 

Im done venting for right now but of trust me there will be more. fuck dude. 

[regular-lord-reckoner]

mmmkay, well i’m all settled back home 

i took a nap since this shit kicked off at 4:30 in the goddamn am (why is it always ass early in the morning or the middle of the night?) 

i can’t believe how fast this one happened like...last time it was an all-day thing where it came and went and i don’t think my urine ever changed colors, i just felt like i had to pee a lot but then i’d go and...nothin 

eventually in the middle of the night i threw up and finally went to the er but this time like...yeah, my back kinda hurt? it was sore and i just figured like...oh, been working out hard in the gym! 

when i went to bed i noticed it hurt a lot more and i tried popping my back and everything but it wasn’t so bad that i couldn’t fall asleep so i figured maybe just a pinched nerve or maybe i pulled something idk 

but then i woke up and it was a looooooooooooot worse 

like “can’t contain moans and groans” worse 

i broke out into a sweat and my face had gone really pale so i went downstairs and ended up waking both my parents up 

my dad drove me to the er. i couldn’t sit still. no position i was in helped anything. and i’m so pissed cause like...literally right before i had fallen asleep i thought, “If this is another fucking kidney stone i’m gonna be pissed” 

so anyway, we get to the er (which kudos to my normally slow-moving dad, he hauled ass and got us there in no time) 

got checked in and junk. my er copay didn’t end up being too bad (helps that i’m not on my mom’s insurance anymore) but i’m dreading what the actual bill is going to look like 

everyone was really nice, tho. the nurse who checked me in was super cool, she had gauges and tattoos and we joked around a bit 

the doctor that came in to see me was really cool too, but he ended up getting assigned to whoever was down the hall sobbing in pain so that’s fair 

my mom stopped by before going in to work to check on me and of course because she used to work there she saw some people she knew 

eventually my uncle who works there stopped in for a minute, along with my mom’s best friend (who, surprise! also works there) and i think they were able to kinda fast track my ct results so that was nice 

i got an iv and some fluids plus some morphine and toradol and even then like by the time i left i was still having bouts of pain 

oh, when i gave my urine sample it was like...brown. so that was cool 

fortunately the stone should be passable although the doctor said something about it possibly being infected i think? (idk i was kinda high by that point) so he gave me some antibiotics just in case 

by the time we left it was a little before nine so i probably spent like...~4 hours there? not too bad 

i had texted my supervisor before i even left for the hospital to let her know what was up and so i was able to take pto today and she said i can either do that tomorrow as well or work from home. i’d like to work from home ‘cause i really wanted to use my pto for like...actual vacation time (even if it’s just a staycation) not having to rest after this kinda bullshit. 

on the upside, i don’t really have very much pain right now and i haven’t even dipped into my medicine so that’s good. i know i probably still have pain medicine in my system, but if i’m not writhing in pain it’s a good day 

i keep checking every time i pee to see if i’ve passed anything (they forgot to give me a strainer which is fine really i didn’t want to fool with it) and this last time i think i saw two small somethings but it was kind of blurry i couldn’t really make it out. 

last time it was a distinct little black dot so i dunno 

but apparently (and i have the report and a cd of the ct scan for my mom to look over cause she understands this better than i do) i’ve still got more in me, like baby ones i guess which i’d known when i had the first one but like...goddamn dude, i don’t wanna go through this again 

i know my aunt has them pretty frequently and she’s so used to them like...she’ll be out in public and start sweating and be like, “looks like another kidney stone” and just...keep going about her way 

i don’t remember when my last one was, i feel like it’s been a year or two so i’m gonna do some research on shit i can hopefully do to maybe prevent or at least slow down the growth of these little fuckers 

you wouldn’t think something so small could hurt so goddamn much but just...oh my god. oh my fucking GOD. 

[cosmicats]

Answer all the questions

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? yessss2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? idk sure3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. The girls ran up to her, and Demeter followed; but as she crossed the threshold, she seemed taller to look at, and full of majesty, and Metaneira rose from her couch, and bade her to be seated.4: What’s something you really want right now? a reallyyy ybig hug from my girlfriend 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? slightly. i fell really really hard really quickly but it was mutual so it turned out perfectly.6: How can I win your heart? If you can be silly and make me laugh tbh 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Unsure, but i do know we’ve slept on the ground /next/ to a couch lmao8: What’s the background on your cell? my gorgeous baby and I9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? mine, my hotel bed, my brother’s hotel bed, my baby’s bed.10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I know she does.11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? I dunno, I never really had a plan to begin with so w/e, things are going great. (am learning to plan for the future tho.)12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? lmao the iowa state police13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? A Rottie 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional def15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo! i love animals16: Are you tired? always17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? SInce 8th grade18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I wouldn’t. 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? helllll fucking no. fuck that. 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? like two minutes ago21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Yes. (but i do have the right person)22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? A million times23: When was the last time you were disappointed? today when the pizza at the airport wasn’t v good :(24: Is there a certain quote you live by? You can do anything you set your mind to. No limits.25: What’s on your mind? my babyyyyy as alwayssss26: Do you have any tattoos? not yet but I will very soon27: What is your favorite color? It always changes tbh depending on the day. rn it’s the the sky on my flight today28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? tomorrow29: Who are you texting? my girl 30: Are you superstitious about anything? super about jinxing31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? YA WENT SHOOTING W MY FAMILY LAST YEAR AND IT WAS MY TURN TO GO AND IT WAS MY GREAT GRANDPA’S REVOLVER AND I HAD A BAD FEELING AND SO I PASSED AND THEN IT LIKE, EXPLODED ON MY DAD SO.

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? I have a whole group chat of guys i can talk to33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? lmao ya my girlfriend34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Jalyn35: What was the reason for your last breakup? lmao. too many to count. essentially though, it was very one sided36: Were you single on Valentines Day? no but it sure felt like it.37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. my hair, the rest of me 38: What do your friends call you? gay39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? probably40: Have you ever cried over a text? yeah41: Where’s your last bruise located? my stomach42: What is it from? lmao my girlfriend (not hitting..)43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? usually anytime im at my house44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? my babyyy45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? not really idk 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? i always wear hats tbh. idk, safety thing47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? no i dont really follow trends? idk48: Do you make supper for your family? sometimes49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year? ughhhhh too many. maybe picking what college to go to50: Top 3 web-pages? maaan i dunno51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? me52: Does anything on your body hurt? my heart bc it’s been like five days since ive seen my baby..53: Are goodbyes hard for you? i always cry. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? coffee55: How is your hair? dead, but colorful56: What do you usually do first in the morning? text my gf57: Do you think two people can last forever? yes yes58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? lmao yeah59: Green or purple grapes? either or60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? tomorrow61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? yessss62: What did your father teach you? how not to do things63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? asleep64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. packing65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yeaaaah66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes!67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? i hugged my brother68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i wish i was home with jalyn69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? 3 years, yeah70: How many windows are open on your computer? two lmao71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? ... savings bonds.. or a lifetime supply of mac for my baby72: What is your ringtone? parks and rec theme73: How old will you be in 5 months? still 18 lmao. almost 19 tho74: Where is your Mum right now? bed75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? because i learned i deserved more76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? no sadly77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? some78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? yeah lmao79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? yeah.80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yesss81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 182: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? no not three days. ive been 900 miles away ugh83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? yes84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? no one bc i wouldnt do that85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yeah, i want her safe yaknow.86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? THE SEATS WERE LEATHER RECLINERS AND YOU PRESSED A BUTTONON THE SEAT AND A WAITER CAME AND TOOK YOUR ORDER AND BROUGHT YOU FOOD, MY BROTHER GOT A BURGER DUDE87: Who was your last received call from? the most beautiful girl lemme tell you88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? maaaan tbh when i was little i put caterpillers in fire ant hills and watched them get eaten alive so yeah probably as awful as that is89: What is something you wish you had more of? time with my girl..90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? yes.91: Do you sleep with your window open? when it’s nice92: Do you get along with girls? i guess i dunno93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? nope. cleared that up a bit ago. went shitty tho94: Does sex mean love? sex means different things for everyone, and that’s okay. For me, yes. I would only have sex with someone that i really loved95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? hell no. more like a dream come true96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? nope97: Did you sleep alone this week? some days98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yesss99: Do you believe in love at first sight? I dunno. Sure. maybe not for me, but if it works for other people, I’m glad theyve found love100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? probably my baby

[sealedbeastnue]

early-mid season (brunch?) anime review time, featuring acclaimed hits such as Oreimo 2: Incest Divide By 0 Error, Re:Zero Sidequest: Furry Fuckers who Shit in the Woods, and my personal favorite, The Cube Show

oh god this is so long im officially otaku trash here we go

so lets start with the best show ever:

clockwork planet: wow this was weak. I really liked No Game No Life but this does not hold that standard (not that it’s a high standard to aspire to but this is just not as fun). This was absurdly slow cheap looking trash that uses a Potentially Interesting concept to do absolutely nothing. dropped. dropped right on its dumb head full of gears.

alice to zouroku: also looks pretty cheap but it has a lot of interesting stuff going on. I don’t know how to Feel. the show hasn’t really ramped up yet but it could go in a ton of directions and I’m ready to be totally blindsided by where this goes.

ID-0: man this really is the Season of Baffling Concepts. tay keeps telling me this is a comedy but im not seein it. I think it’s a pretty decent space sci fi concept show that seems to be gearing up for... something philosophical? no clue. I like what we’re setting up and I want more. unfortunately this is the type of show where, like with gatchaman, I cannot physically focus my eyes on the mech designs long enough to realy appreciate them. probably just my problem though.

seikaisuru kado: the real standout of the SF offerings this season and my personal favorite this far. I don’t want to spoil too much but The Cube Show is not a show you should skip. looks and sounds fantastic, concept is great, writing is... really not fucking around at all, is it? slow, grindy high concept sci fi with very human characters (lol get it). this will be remembered even if it ends up being stupid (it wont). dont miss it

re:creators: I really dont know. every episode is an infodump but we’ve got a cool cast of characters, they’re likeable, and this has tons of potential. IIRC this is the team that did aldnoah:zero so it could go to shit instantly but for now it’s solid and has me wanting more. also gunpuku no himegimi <3 design <3

oushitsu kyoushi haine: had no expectations and was not planning to watch, turns out this is top 5 shows this season? it’s not fujobait. probably. has a fantastic OP/ED pair, looks consistently Really Good and everyone’s likeable. also if we’re going to bring back chibi this is the way to do it: sparingly, and with really strong visual gags. the one thing I REALLY WANT is more worldbuilding

uchouten kazoku S2: glorious so far. this is even more wild than season 1. if you haven’t heard of uchouten and you have even a passing interest in japanese mythology, comedy, or shapeshifting moms you really should go check it out - everyone is a FUCKER and everything Escalates Very Fast. tenmaya is best waifu of this season though... this fucking old guy... hes perfect

eromanga sensei: call me trash I dont give a shit. this show is pretty good. its definitely weird siscon bullshit but its pretty good regardless. I like to have fun. do you like to have fun?

sakura quest: more like Too Real Feels Quest. if you’re a person in your 20s-30s who has ever struggled with adult life in any way, this is for you. I have no idea how something like this got produced in the current industry climate but it’s fuckin great and painful and honest and real. I have a pet theory that Manoyama is Not On Earth as We Know It and that this town is fae folk btw lets see how that plays out

bastard akashic records magical instructor super dangerous dudessss better watch out boyz: likeable just because of how blatantly shitheaded MC is. these character designs... uh... those sure are garter belts... so far this is entertaining and not much else but that’s okay they dont all have to be miracles

soutai sekai: I have no idea why this exists or what can justify this show. Reol why did you get involved in this. you’re so far above trash like this. someone must have offered her serious fucking dosh to associate herself with this. im gonna complete it (its only 2 eps) but this is definitely garbage.

girl beats boys: ever wanted to watch cromartie highschool but with no comedy instead its kind of a weird documentary? turns out I did. this is kind of fun actually! it’s so odd I can’t help but admire it

maid dragon specials: ?????????????okay???? if we gotta

kabukibu: I’m a big fan of SHOUTING AWKWARDLY. dropped instantly. dont care if accurate, this is weird and dumb.

frame arms girl: this is where it becomes clear that I have desperately overextended this season and have become WAY too generous with my time when it comes to anime. this was a miscalculation I am regretting. also, this show isn’t good but I guess I can see the appeal. if anything should be an 8-minute-episodes show it’s this. probably dropped.

forest fairy five: I got bamboozled by the cover. I can’t make an excuse for my foolishness. It Will Not Happen Again.

high school fleet OVA: this needed to come like six months ago if you wanted to capitalize on this. I dont remember a single one of these characters. sorry lads, its not workin

mahoutsukai OVA 2/3: Yes. show coming in the fall is fucking hype

sin: nanatsu no taizai: I, too, like to get fucked by tentacles. also Miami

sekai no yami zukan:

also currently watching:

kekkai sensen: holy shit dude this is so good. I can’t believe the animation and music quality? how is this not legendary? maybe it gets fucked up down the line but on episode 3 this whole concept is such a solid package I cant see myself not loving it very strongly.

scrapped princess: I sscrappedddd (JOKES!!!) this show a few times bt now that I’m finally giving it a chance I can see that the fight scenes have a surprisingly good quality and end up in cool locations (crystal caves with actual foley work to back it up? and a complete tonal shift in the visuals? sign me the fuck up dude)

older stuff I finished recently:

did I mention girls und panzer last time? probably. this is still great though. I cant get over the fucking Finnish artillery gun scene in the movie jfc this is just soooo good

so ra no wo to: fantastic as a slice of life/military show with musical elements. if you see people comparing this to K-On tell them to fuck off because the only similarity is the time they were released. this isnt a light music club show. probably the best visual style of any show I’ve watched recently - really sets the tone of the show and adds a LOT of otherworldly and mysterious qualities... strong girls... let them be strongth... OP/ED is wonderful too

death parade: looked pretty cool. ended up making me kind of sad and the characters were a bit empty (no I’m not counting the fact that they’re Puppets as a valid reason for that). more than enough has been written about this show.

upotte: who told me to watch this? who the fuck? I’m gonna find them strangle them. dropped this is for weird gun otaku smeglords

kuzu no honkai: my dick was absolutely raw at the end of this. I was leaning to the side and hunching over slightly for the next 24 hours. people who dont like this have never been challenged by a horrible relationship and/or are repulsed by raw painful emotionally-charged human sexuality (both of these things are fine by the way)

rakugo lovers double suicide (season 1): on the other hand. with regard to human sexuality. time for probably my most controversial opinion ive ever had. this show is GARBAGE. VALUELESS GARBAGE. the characters are absurdly, laughably flat; the entire season is a bait and switch; it’s REALLY SLOW and drags for about 2/3 of the season because it only had about 4 episodes worth of actual content; every character motivation makes no sense especially the death scene near the end are you serious? did people really take that seriously? I was so irritated by the fact that this went down like this that I actually had to go away from my computer for a while. this show isn’t gay either, it’s the most painfully straight thing and it has no perspective other than that of a straight person who has never experienced anything outside of their sphere of comfort. also FUCK this hoe what is her PROBLEM? go ditch her stupid ass if she’s gonna be like that. she’s an abusive partner who abandoned her child repeatedly and it is absolutely ridiculous that they put up with her presence. they’re all pretty abusive though so whatever I guess that  makes this fine. people who enjoyed this, I’m sorry but you got fucking duped man. this was not written by a fully formed human mind. this was its season’s Yuri on Ice and is currently hideously overrated. please do not waste your time on this. or do, so you can see how awfully it’s written and understand that Most People Are Dumb Idiots With No Taste.

ao oni the animation: please explain why this franchise was ever popular. I do not fucking get it. I really tried. this show came about 6 years too late regardless I cannot justify its existence

gakuen handsome: 2deep4me zaaannkoku no tenshiii no these (evangelion playing in the background my third eye is opening)

yumekui merry: Painful. if this is actually a quality show, my bad but fuck these goddamn cats. I hate anthropomorphic cats with all of my being

[nodaudaboutitt]

for the get to know the blogger thing: even numbers in the 130 range

OH Boy, this is gunna be a long one

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?

I have a shirt of a lady wearing a panda mask, it looks really nice and im actually wearing it right now ahaha, also really like my star wars X-Wing hoodie :D4. What does your perfect room look like?

Im not really sure tbh, although it would be nice if there was a little more space and better lighting than my room has. Would love to get some small plants and stuff and some owl related cushions or something6. What fictional place would you like to visit?

Would be interesting to visit Dunwall from Dishonored or one of the many planets in Star Wars, would love to go see a Podrace or something!8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?

2014, its the same time i fell out of a tree and broke my collarbone ahaha10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have?

I check my phone way too much which is kinda annoying to me, although my dad gets really annoyed that i bounce my legs ahaha12. What skill would you like to master?

It would be rad to master a language (Although im on my way to that) or maybe my skating or art14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like?

Honestly i would probably just buy a cozy apartment and get a cat or something, ive never really thought about such before16. What state or country do you never want to go back to?Havent actually got anywhere i would never want to go back to yet 18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in?

As cool as the Metro games are, not that one ahaha. maybe the world of Star Trek or something :D20. Are you usually early or late?

Im usually quite early tbh 22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with?

Not really sure tbh, i cant remember, although people occasionally ask me about assignments or such so there that24. What do you wish you knew more about?

Well cos im finding programming a tad tricky at uni, i would say that, but tbh i would love to know more about astrophysics or anything related to rocketry and piloting !26. What are some small things that make your day better?

A cup of tea in my favourite mug, someone complimenting how i look, my dog saying hi when i get home 28. What’s the best way to start the day?

By slamming my face into the pillow and going back to sleep ahaha, nah i think a relaxed morning with some tea and a nice breakfast or something

30. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

Would be cool to have a channel for all the space exploration stuff, lunno if it would be widely popular or not but i would love to see such 32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently?

Im not really sure tbh 34. What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend?

My ideal weekend is to laze about at home and play videogames, bake some stuff or work on some art. I just feel really comfy at home so being able to relax at home all weekend sounds ideal to me36. What is your claim to fame?

Im not really sure if i have one?38. What’s your favorite book or movie genre?

I really dig science fiction, although with movies i also like the action genre :D40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of?

I couldnt think of anything people havent really heard of but i really enjoy reading about early nasa, so stuff like the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs44. What’s the best book series or TV series you’ve ever read or watched?

I think at the moment, the best Tv series for me is Band of Brothers46. What’s the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen?

Those videos of people meeting family or friends in the airport that live really far away, everyone is so happy in those and its really nice :D48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation?

I could probably give a presentation on ww2 or the moon missions, not 100% accurate or super detailed but yeah, well that or the Lore of various games and movies i like50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

Travel, just seeing somewhere new, the journey and exploration involved, its really cool :D52. What’s your dream car?absolutely no clue54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don’t get?

Game of Thrones, that new show on netflix56. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been?When i lived in England i went to the transport museum and also the various imperial war museums, those were absolutely fantastic. Over here in straya though? probably the top of sydney harbour bridge, that was pretty gnarly58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week?

Well i just got my grade back for my programming assignment and i got 70% :D60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have?

Im not sure, although at the moment im studying game design at uni so i would probably go for that anyway ahaAlthough if there was an opportunity it would be cool to become an astronaut or ww2 historian62. How different was your life 1 year ago?

Well i couldnt ice skate, i wasnt doing a degree, i think i was in  somewhat crappier state than i am now. But things have been improving over the last few years :)64. What would you rate 10/10?

Ahh im not good at rating or ranking anything, i guess the new star wars? (Rogue one)66. What is the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen?

Im not really sure, i dont think ive been to see art in ages, although i really like the art my friend @echey does! its super awesome stuff!68. What do you hope never changes?

My ability to find good in a bad situation70. What movie title best describes your life?I cant even think of one tbh72. What’s the best way a person can spend their time?Just do what you enjoy i guess74. Where is the most relaxing place you’ve ever been?

Botanical gardens in adelaide are really nice, dont go there too often but theyre relaxing as heck76. Where would you rather be from?

As much as i talk shit about england, i dont think id want to be from anywhere else78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?New alien movie, end of first semester, turn 20 next month, Dunkirk movie, lots of cool stuff :D80. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford?Either a trip overseas or all those games that i have on my wishlist rn82. Where would you spend all your time if you could?Im not sure tbh, i guess anywhere i feel comfortable?84. What age do you want to live to?ahh thats a tough one, i guess in my 20′s? 86. What are you absolutely determined to do?

Get through my degree and get a job in my chosen field88. What do you wish you knew more about?theres so much i wish i knew more about ;-;90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person??? iunno dude92. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?iunno? any compliment is nice to me :D94. Who inspires you to be better?nothing comes to mind but im sure theres someone :/96. What haven’t you grown out of?my favourite tshirt ahaha 98. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that actually turned out pretty well?no bloody clue but im sure it was absolutely stupid aha100. What’s something you will never do again?climb a tree and break my collarbone102. What keeps you up at night?my messed up sleep schedule mainly, although those weird night time depressed moods get ya too 104. What is the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?probably underage drinking106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?a worthless shithead108. What do you look down on people for?being absolute wankers, although in my degree the thing i really look down on is those people that are like “How did you not get that? its easy!” or generally act like a know it all and give you shit over coding, like chill out lads and help each other110. What lie do you tell most often?im fine, im not tired, im used to it, ill be fine,  couldnt think of one so heres the top ones i can think off112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?Can buy what you want, but worst thing is that the older you get, the more youre looked down on for being unemployed114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?probably a kickass dragon!!116. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

Don’t procrastinate/ set your deadline a day or two early and start early so if you do procrastinate, it would fuck you up as bad118. What are you famous for among your friends & family?I think with friends im mostly famous for random history (Mainly ww2) facts and at home im mostly known for my shitty humour i think ahaha120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn’t have?122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?Don’t give a shit about what others might think, just do what makes you happy and be how you feel you should124. What’s the best thing about you?My terrible humour, my optimism 126. Have you ever saved someone’s life?Who knows?128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?Like a reverse image of me? nah ahaha probably a massive asshole, but at the same time theyre probably putting them self first and their happiness so iunno130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?Got a massive scar over my right collarbone, had to get surgery on it when i broke it and so now ive got a metal plate in my body aha

thank you for the ask!!

[chxrimoya]

ok i guess i’ll finally get around to typing this whole journal post i meant to for the past damn week lmao.

so it’s tuesday night and i’ve ditched class last wed, this past mon and figure drawing today. i just ain’t up for it. for some reason my sleep quality is so poor, even with a full night’s sleep, i can’t stop myself from napping for 3-4 hours. it’s getting in the way of me doing stuff honestly? i get home and want to clean up my room, play some persona, or draw or SOMETHING but sleep is obviously a priority. it sucks but i gotta do it, lacking sleep just makes it so much easier for me to get into a depressive episode. maybe it’s the irregularity of my sleep? for a long time i didn’t sleep past 2am but i slept at like 4am couple of times in the last two weeks or so.  

this past week or two i’ve slowly progressed from one thing bothering me to another and now i can’t even place my discontent. general malaise, as i’ve been telling other people. hopefully writing this helps me find some fkn way to articulate myself? lmao. honestly i don’t know why, talking to other people helps me cope but hasn’t helped me confront the feelings. they’re still there, bothering me, and i would like them to go away? but they won’t anytime soon i’m sure. and i, as usual, am invalidating myself and how i feel so megakek

so i’ll talk to my journal like i’m talking to someone. 

so recently, i introduced my friend, let’s call her Nu, to my regular group of friends who i usually play games with. i invited her to a bbq at J’s house, and it’s all good and stuff, day passes. I tell her before anything, these lot of men aren’t good at all as dating options but i wouldn’t judge her otherwise, because you can’t rly help who you pick. the only two dudes that day available were J and H and both are kinda shitty, but H is way more shitty than J is; J just got his issues to work out. but fast forward, H messages me about wanting to pursue Nu, and was convinced on trying to be a better person, bc one night on discord we were talking about art and things in general, and i just flat out said i don’t think he’s a good person and he has a lot to work on? so after he says to me on FB, hey thanks i needed someone to say that to me and seemed genuine, so my kind ass heart is like ok sure i’ll help you. he asks me genuinely if it’s ok for him to ask me for help so i say yeah, ofc. he realizes hes being selfish pursing this girl because he’s never had a gf, and that J was also interested but he values himself over J. this was mean of me, but i said frankly to H that i agreed, J is in no place to have a relationship because his life is a fucking mess at home; no school, no work, car’s not passing smog and his dad and mom are still shitty as always (his dad can die for all i care). later tho J agreed with me bc i brought it up with him. anyway, couple days later me and H talk and this guy, he’s probably the shittiest offender i know, because he says autistic, retarded, faggot, gook, all in jest and i HATE him for it. i’m not gonna pick a fight because his dumb conservative ass can choke now, for all i care. i have depression and triggers that send me into episodes, so he keeps using “triggered” all casually and it bothers me. it’s disrespectful. so i ask him if he could avoid using it around me, and i see the typing bubbles for like 4 minutes and this guy is typing an essay about how i’m wrong. deletes it, sends “Lol alright” but goes onto his stupid shpiel anyway even though i wanted to drop it. accuses me of “artificially killing the word” even though i just THINK it’s disrespectful, talking to me in a know-it-all fashion because fucking men always do this. so i remember, this entire time, why i didn’t like him, so i decide this bitch is on his fucking own. but me, being the soft-hearted individual i am, didn’t get mad till couple days later and indignant about the whole ordeal. before my anger, Nu and H and me went to eat and shop a little so fucc everything seemed fine and dandy!! and even now i still help this disrespectful child because i care for Nu, even though I don’t know her well enough to be super comfortable with her. I’m naturally an open person, but the comfort i’m talking about comes with time and i just haven’t known her that long. but Nu, she’s had a bad history that ended only recently, and i honestly would kill for her bc she deserves to be happy. not being pushed around by men who vy for her attention? she deserves someone who cares and validates her, but can still set her straight bc she’s a stubborn girl. the men in her life haven’t been good to her, and she hardly had friends before i met her at work? so i want to be someone she can rely on and talk to but i don’t want her withdrawing into the comfort of a man that can’t even comfort and face his own issues without his toxic pride getting in the way. because that what H is to me. 

he calls me saturday before mothers day, 9amish and tells me he accidentally stood Nu up. he obviously feels guilty. but maybe he’s only guilty because he’ll lose his chance with this girl if he fucks up. i’m tired, i comfort him telling him it’s not his fault, because apparently he overslept his alarm and didn’t wake up until Nu called him. Nu also told me that she had been waiting for an hour for him, showed up 30 minutes early to look nice and surprise him, but when she called 30 minutes after the meetup time, she just wanted to go home. she had limited time that day so she wanted to do breakfast at 8. he wants to make it up to her with a gift, but she doesn’t want a gift, so i tell him to draw something for her bc it’s more sentimental. after the call i talk to Nu about it and she seems pretty upset actually, and after everything, she just tells me she feels “jaded” but she’ll get over it.

i don’t approve. i really don’t. i hate this guy but i can’t really be consumed to even be marginally mean to him because Nu is interested, but even she acknowledges maybe she’s been starved of proper affection that she’s just reveling in it. if this guy can’t be bothered to do me a favor, when im trying to be his wingman and get him on good footing with this girl, i’ll fucking light the bridge on fire. but it’s not my choice to make, Nu’s happiness is what matters more. but it exhausts me? i’ve been there, done that with toxic guys and it’s so exhausting. i have issues i still carry and struggle with to this day because i was manipulated and did manipulate other people, for the sake of a guy. and it’s really not worth it. as i talked to her, the friday before, we hung out and spent a whole day with each other... she has a lot of baggage. stuff she doesn’t wanna bring into a relationship. and we shared a lot of similarities with the people we’ve dealt with. i tell her, friends are here to help you carry that baggage. she doesn’t have to carry it on her own. relationships should be always mutually beneficial to both parties. why invest yourself in something you’ll never get shit out of? you end up empty and pining, and anything will satisfy you. it’s not a good cycle to enter. ive been there!! and fuck man, im still recovering. my value is in myself, not in others. and i love to help people because... simply i wish people would have helped me when i needed it. so i help others because they need it. but i wont help people at the expense of myself, at the expense of people i care about. 

but also, i just... dunno if i feel right, being some sort of arbiter for their relationship. i don’t feel like i should have this power to judge, i keep telling myself i don’t know either of them that well so i really shouldn’t be doing the things that i’m doing now? like who am i to get in the way of their happiness, judge that someone isn’t good, and say yes or no to them entering a relationship? for all i know, it could turn out well. i doubt it, because H has never had a gf and i feel his selfishness extends beyond ignoring J, and more of “finally i can get a gf and not be lonely anymore” bc i want someone to value Nu for who she is. 

maybe i’ll write more when i get to to it but this is way too long already lolol

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[lookwhatilost]

i saw this valentines day ask meme earlier and i wanted to reblog it but i also dnt want people prying on gp and i know nobody will send me anything here bc i have like no followers, so im going to answer it under the cut and if you wanna b #nosy, then you’re at your liberty to do so

also im drunk answering these so theres that

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

lmfao

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

yes, sadly 😪

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?

unofficially we were on and off over the course of almost 4 years but officially the longest we were together was only a handful of months... but i generally tell people the unofficial version bc i feel like they’d downplay the significance of it otherwise

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

yeah but in the sense that i let good things inside me wither and die when i shouldnt have

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

he’s living with someone else but makes a point of letting me know that he’s still th*rsting over me... it’s rly embarrassing

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

idk for certain but most likely

7: Have you ever cheated?

no

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

if i was aware, no, but i feel like i’d be totally possible for me to start going out w someone like that without being aware of that reputation beforehand

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?

your heads need to b in the same place i think... what with priorities, values, etc. i know some people can happily ignore conflicts like that & jst know to never bring them up but i can’t ever picture myself doing that.

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

i’ve never had a “fling” in my life and i dnt intend to

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

if you need space from someone, then it is what it is, but i dnt think i would ever use the term “break” bc it’s too grey. i’ve seen friends. i know what’s up.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

harry’s the only person ive been with in any capacity

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

a lot but i think i would say, like, letting it go on for as long as it did bc i thought i didn’t have anything else going for me. granted, i didn’t, but sometimes it’s better to be invested in an ex that you aren’t speaking to, than be invested in a relationship that’s dragging you down

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

never tbh sex is dumb as shit

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

fuck no

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

i believe you can instantly recognize that you connect to another person but that’s not, like, love lmfao

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

yeah but i’ve no interest in that

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

in a relationship i dnt think i would interpret anything as an objective deal breaker aside from the Big Shit like cheating etc. but if i was considering dating someone i think the biggest deal breaker would be political differences.

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

i’ll let you know when i figure it out

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

no

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

under the right circumstances, sure

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

i would encourage them to. i personally wouldn’t want to get into a romantic relationship that didn’t already have the foundation of a strong platonic one

23: How many relationships have you had?

one

24: Do you think love can last forever?

no but i dnt think there’s anything wrong with that either

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

absolutely not

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

my parents are so out of touch w who i am that their approval or objection carries no weight beyond that so... no

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

all advice is useless. conclusions have no meaning unless you draw them yourself. if i could go back in time, i would kill hitler.

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

yes but personally ive no interest in one

29: What do you notice first about another person?

this is gnna sound dumb but whether they have a threatening vibe to them or not. for context: i work in service

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

i’m bisexual but i dnt see my attraction to men as anything more than begrudging & a nuisance

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

not in principle, but i have a lot of mental illnesses myself, and if i was in a position where my mental disorders and my partner’s were jst endlessly feeding off of one another... yeah that would definitely upset me

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

harry was definitely emotionally abusive to me at times but he was jst stupid tbh and retrospectively i dnt consider it to be abusive. jst, like, it was a very bad dynamic and it coaxed shitty things out of both of us

33: Do you want to get married one day?

not rly

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?

i wouldnt

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

easily

36: Are you still a virgin?

i wish

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?

personality obvi but physical attraction still needs to be there lmfao

38: Do you enjoy love films?

no they’re bad

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

ive gotten roses twice

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

what even is that

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?

i dnt have a specific vision but it would involve day drinking lmfao

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?

yeah. 3/10 tbh.

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?

it’s a balancing act! ive been guilty of putting my friendships on the back burner in favor of romantic relationships and i dnt want to do that again!

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?

not anymore

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

this is a loaded question bc all my friends follow this... if i say yes, it’s awkward. if i say no they’ll be like “well why the fuck not?”

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

have people i liked romantically not returned my feelings? yes. have i gotten all indignant and entitled abt it? i’d like to think not.

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?

literally i can’t even think of any

48: What's your favorite love song?

momentarily? knock you down by keri hilson. it’s cute & a throwback

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

doubt it

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?

lack of proximity to available people that i’m compatible with, the fact that i have standards

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?

poor & nice... no shit sherlock

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

all dating advice is a shout into the void. i dnt bother

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?

i think exposure to that kind of stuff hits on a very real insecurity that stems from a rly long pattern of being mistreated in my romantic endeavors, but it’s not jealousy lmfao it’s something much more insidious than that... like i feel like im being taunted for having extremely severe emotional trauma related to that and it’s rly not a can of worms i want to open

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

it’s not like important-important, but suffice to say, i would be suspicious of someone who was vehemently against it

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

i’m trying to learn there’s nothing shameful abt being attached to the people you care abt, so yes & no

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?

yeah but i dnt feel particularly bad abt it either

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

when you’re suicidal you dnt care much for what is or isnt silly, let’s be real

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

ideally my relationships dnt have a dynamic like that

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

i have a weird fixation on dates and remember significant ones from, like, 10 years ago. february 9th 2009 was a big one, actually. so no i generally dnt forget dates unless i didnt commit them to memory in the first place

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?

stupid

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?

my family isnt important to me

62: How do you define "cheating"?

doing anything #physical with someone other than yr partner, or like, carrying out any sort of emotional relationship w someone you aren’t dating (like you’re telling someone else that you love them & wanna get w them or whatever)... some of it is rly cut n dry but other times its very, well, grey

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

i mean it’s not but like... holy shit dude you’re not 15 anymore.

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?

who dznt?

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?

probably. who knows. i cant believe answering this ate up almost a whole hour

[asksansweredpdf]

65 questions youre not used to

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? not until now

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? hm like a 3? i talk to spirits so sometimes i worry that they’re around

3. The person you would never want to meet? someone i used to know who things are now awkward with

4. What is your favorite word? oblong or shenanigans 

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? idk like a mulberry tree

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? that my hair was sticking up from my sleep

7. What shirt are you wearing? pink &  blue stipy crop

8. What do you label yourself as? flamboyant & eccentric 

9. Bright room or dark room? dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? finishing infinity war or reading fanfic sjdfhjlkf

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 20

12. Who told you they loved you last? probably my old best friend dom

13. Your worst enemy? i dont really have any enemies. i try to get on with everyone or keep to myself if that’s not possible

14. What is your current desktop picture? a scene from kiki’s delivery service with a window near some greenery

15. Do you like someone? not romantically no. i only ever go to work and work romances are inappropriate

16. The last song you listened to? pussy is gof

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? id like to say someone like trump, but i think his death wouldn’t really lead to much positive change. maybe a billionaire with an heir who would do better with what they have? i’lll have to research this

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? nobody immediately springs to mind. 

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? technically i’d make someone like jeff bezos my slave and then force him to give his money to the homeless, or to pay his workers a higher wage, or something to that anti-capitalist extent. maybe i’d force major ceos to try and combat global warming if it isnt too late

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) everyone says my eyes - and i do like them, but im inclined to say my hair. i love my hair so much

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? id be super hot with colourings like zayn malik or rdj and id probably immediately jack off dsfjlkdsjfkl

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? no serious answers come to mind

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? asking people for a favour/for help. answering the phone when im not at work

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. my subway usual! white bread, chicken stips with melted cheese, cucumber, capsicum, olives, jalepenos, honey mustard sauce, salt and pepper

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? probably use it to save for a car, or to help fund dad’s trip to america/england that i got roped into having to pay for

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? i have work tomorrow :/ but i guess if i could get out of that i’d go to greece or something?

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? ive never had expensive alcohol so i’d probably get like a scotch whiskey or some usual vodka (but pre-mixed. i always puke when i mix vodka myself)

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? YEEEESSSS, um first rule would be that everyone gets food/shelter/water for free. regardless of who you are. 

29. What is your favorite expletive? used to be shit, now i think it’s just fuck.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? my phone

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? g o d. i think i’d erase either my 18th birthday or the day we first moved into the house im living in now

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! fuck yeah i’d go live with harry styles or someone in america or england or whatever. maybe canada. canada seems cool. 

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? my mum’s father! i’ve always wanted to meet him. we have a lot in common from what i’m told (i was 2 when he died so i dont even remember him). but we’re both leos! we both love dancing and we both love music and singing (he was a musician. and music is like.....all i have). we both like cigarettes and swearing. we both had shit mothers. he seems a cool dude. he had that leo generosity and gave my mum a car and money when she needed it and i never had a good person/parent like that around and i’d love to know him and now im getting sad so. did not see that coming round the corner

34. What was your last dream about? this is going to sound weird but it was about this gross old fat dude sitting in a car next to me (i think my family started driving people around for money in my dream) and he started feeling me up and i told him off. 

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? person? artist? singer? student? worker? nope. im not good at much. 

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yeah twice that i can recall atm. once when i was 9 months for having a cyst on my ovary, and once when i was 19 for having gastro and puking non-stop.

37. Have you ever built a snowman? nah i wish. it doesnt snow in australia

38. What is the color of your socks? im not wearing any atm but the last pair i wore were red and black deadpool ones

39. What type of music do you like? GOD okay my answer is any type of music. but it has to be good. upbeat music? 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunsets

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? vanilla or caramel

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) i dont give a shit about sports

43. Do you have any scars? yeah i have one on my lower stomach from the surgery i got for my ovary cyst, one on my right hand from opening a tin of tuna and slicing my hand immediately (i later got food poisoning), i have some embarrassing ass self harm scars on my thighs, and i think that’s it? 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? well i graduate uni in just over a week (next saturday) and i have no clue. at the moment i just want to get a job that has a set amount of hours and a set/steady pay and doesnt make me anxious. a desk job that i’m not terrible at. then i can move out. and once im moved out i wont be in survival mode, and maybe then i can start dreaming. but for now im desperate enough to not even have dreams or wants. 

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i would make me more assertive and less anxious. and a bit more funny. a bit more like an aries or a leo. i think i will be more like this when im moved out and secure with a consistent job and consistent living space. i havent had that for like 6 years.

46. Are you reliable? very

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? god what a question. where should i work? and should i get a motorbike or a car? and id just ask for general advice

48. Do you hold grudges? absolutely. to be fair, i consider myself a very understanding and fair person, so it takes a lot to get me mad. but once im there, it’s usually justified and hard to change my mind. 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? like maybe a bird and a lion. imagine a flying lion. that’d be sick

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? out of what immediately springs to mind i have 2 equally strong contenders: 1) me, introducing myself to a worker on the first day at my job - “hi, i’m ____ by the way. i don’t think i’ve introduced myself to you yet” “i know.” “oh! sorry haha im just really bad with names and faces haha” "yeah. we went to school together. *walks away*  2) coworker: so how many babies do you think we’ll have to sacrifice to get a bigger back room? me: ........at least 1 million coworker: 1 million? wow! i was thinking like 7! me: 7? wow i really went overboard there. but wait! what counts as a baby? are there age or weight restrictions or? coworker: hm i think it’s like anyone under the age of 4 me: oh under 4? so if you kill a 5 year old and sacrifice it, then you’ve just wasted a kill and it doesn’t count? coworker: yeah pretty much.....i’ve done that a few times, actually. their parents were not happy me: yeah i’d imagine just as much. imagine having to have that conversation with their parents like ‘uhh sorry about that’ coworker: yeah and it was all for nothing too

51. Are you a good liar? yes, when i know the people and situation well. i usually plan out my lies in advance, but for whatever reason im actually a better liar when im thinking on my feet and improvising the lies. have no idea how or why. 

52. How long could you go without talking? fucking forever. i’m great at talking, a very good conversationalist. but fuck i love not having to talk to people. it’s so much effort. 

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? my mum cut a fringe for me when i was 12. 

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? all the time! i love baking

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? nope

56. What do you like on your toast? vegemite, egg, honey & peanut butter, sometimes jam (mostly when im high)

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? captain phasma

58. What would be you dream car? a 59 cadillac, or most ferraris 

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i dont usually sing in the shower, but i do enjoy a good shower dance routine

60. Do you believe in aliens? for sure! our universe is too huge and constantly expanding for there to be just us

61. Do you often read your horoscope? god you dont even want to know how much i fucking love astrology. astrology is my mind. it occupies about 1/3 of all my thoughts and i immediately try to figure out people’s signs within the first .... maybe 5 seconds of meeting them.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? maybe p or r or v

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? dinosaurs

64. What do you think about babies? cute when they’re not mine and i can give them back to their mothers after 5 minutes

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.