#fuck I'm literally nauseous just from the thought of seeing her again but I don't wanna miss this huge event of my friend just bc of her

[nutelloona]

she got me so fucked up I'm here psychologically preparing for an event that's a month away bc of the high possibility of we bumping into each other, oh boy

[cloudyeventss]

I thought I try my hand at writing a little story about being 141's assistant. I'm not sure where I'm taking this or even if I should continue. Let me knoww but be sweet. This is literally my first attempt at writing anything

Warnings~ cussing, slightly anxious ? Idk

Y/n pov

He's staring right at me. Slouching slightly to his left, strands of blue dyed hair peeking out underneath his hat. He clearly hasn't been sleeping, I can see the dark circles under his eyes. I don't think I’ve seen him blink once. This is too much. Too fucking much I'm starting to fidget with the belt of my purse, shifting back n forth trying to ease my nerves. I'm overwhelmed and overestimated. This bus smells worse than a gas station bathroom, it doesn't help it’s hotter than the damn desert in here, my sweater is starting to itch and the constant sound of the buses bell going off is enough to make my head explode. GOD why did my car have to break down today? sweat is beading my forehead I feel nauseous. GOD DOES THIS MAN EVER BLINK?!? *ding* fuck finally my stop. I've never been more relieved in my life to leave somewhere... stepping outside I feel like I can breathe again not by much though, last night, laying in bed i got a call from my father's friend Laswell telling me to meet her at a Cafe not too far from my home. Usually, I wouldn't be so nervous to see her, being Laswell and my father worked together for the past 10 years. She’s been around quite a few times but this time She spoke about a potential job opportunity as an assistant overseas. I'm not even sure I heard her right, i was a bottle deep into Apothic red wine. Nothing special but drink enough it’ll knock you on your ass. I've been anxious ever since. After finishing my associates degree in mind and body psychology, I wasn't sure I wanted to continue with school. Maybe I just need a break, but I also need a job. I take one final deep breath to attempt to calm my nerves as I wipe my sweaty palms down my jeans. Okay now’s the time to be confident y/n don't freak out .....

There she is sitting with her back against the wall right in between both exits like always. I'd say she's paranoid but with the work she does it's more justifiable. Laswell stands to greet me "Y/n , it's great to see you!" She moves to sit, and I follow. " it's good to see you too Kate, it's been awhile" . Lunch goes by smoothly; it always was easy falling into conversation with her. A red headed waitress with long legs and black trim glasses drops us our check before walking off to tend to her other tables. My eyes follow her as she passes, she's one of those girls who are effortlessly beautiful. Laswell gains my attention again " so your father tells me you are looking for work"

" I am"

"I could use someone I trust"

"Tell me more"

.....

It'd been two weeks since I met with Laswell, and I accepted the job offer. She explained it mainly consist of filing paperwork and doing whatever task ask of me, running errands, and so on. Kate didn't really give me any details of who I'd work for, just that it was four men she trusted with her life and assured me I'd be in good hands. Today's the day I get on a plane and uproot my whole life. I spent every bit of yesterday taking care of last-minute arrangements. I sold my piece of shit Honda to some high school kid . I almost felt bad for taking his money, but I told him of its issues. In a way I'ma miss Johnny. I named my car after a porn star, Johnny Sins. Ha. It still makes me chuckle . My honda wasn't much, but it always got me where I needed to be hints the name. After taking care of my car I went to see my father. He graciously agreed to look after my apartment for me while I was gone. We spent the rest of the evening watching old westerns on TV and saying our goodbyes.

.....

It's only four hours into the flight, and I'm already regretting my decision. I've spent most of the time in the bathroom emptying my stomach while avoiding angry knocks on the door. The taste of bile in my mouth makes me a little less caring about the people outside. Deciding I can't spend the rest of the flight in the bathroom, I pick myself off the floor and do my best to rinse my mouth. Flying has never sat right with me. I like my feet on the ground instead of tempting God. Regardless, I have to tough it out, its not like I can get them to land now. I walk out the restroom, mumbling hushed, apologizes, and take my seat. Just six more hours.. you got this y/n.

[dallasurr]

i feel so hurt and upset about Simon he needed to heal too

i can't sleep at night sometimes

I know this is so random but i don't care i feel so hurt by the idea of everyone healing but him dead and bound to be forgetten. .. i want him feel good i want to get him out of there.

I've said this before but as much as I'd like to see the series to its planned end, I'm not that unhappy about not getting season 5. It would be really hard for me to see Amelia get a redemption or her exit when she went on the train as a fully mature adult in her 30s, and did wayyyy worse things than Simon did. Although she was mentally unstable at the time she got on the train, it doesn't seem like she had a history of mental illness before Alrick died.

What Simon did to Grace and Hazel was fucked up, I can wrap my head around his justification for killing Tuba and I'm not the person to debate about this bc I straight up didn't like Tuba. She went out of her way to kidnap and scare Grace and Simon, who would have probably found the exit to the car and went on their way the next day without her interference, and I'm of the opinion that she put both herself and Hazel in danger with her little prank. I know we wouldn't have a story without it, and it doesn't justify her death, but literally from their first interaction she showed Simon she can be hostile and dangerous. And while she warmed up to Grace (according to Grace lol I didn't see much friendly interaction between them at all, just Grace enjoying/admiring the way she interacted with Hazel), Simon always got attitude from her, I can't blame him for not warming up to her.

Simon might have been 18 at the time of his season but let's be honest, both he and Grace were very immature and justifiably so. They only had each other and their delusions for years and years before they became guardians themselves. The train has proven itself to be dangerous, and proved how high the stakes are when he died, but people act like he was a fucking monster for doing what he thought he needed to protect himself, grace and hazel from a perceived threat. He could have been a little more tactful with explaining what happened, or lied about it, but like tbh as a neurodivergent person myself who sees Simon as someone who is on the autism spectrum, I REALLY struggle with lying and deceiving people so I can understand why he just blurted out the truth without any thought.

I do think one of the most irredeemable things he did was dehumanize Grace and trap her in her memories, whether or not he knew it could kill her (I assume he didn't bc the Cat as usual didn't explain shit to him) the way he pushed her over and walks away makes me nauseous.

But I certainly don't think he deserved to die for that, and I think the series would have been a lot better if instead of kicking her off the train again (which at this point in the scene felt kind of slapstick i'm ngl), Simon finally broke out of his paranoid and delusional thought patterns and they were able to drag everyone back into the mall car for a heart to heart.

In my head in episodes 9 and 10 he's a lot like Catra in The Portal episodes, but instead of getting 2 more seasons after his fall from grace (lol) to recover and heal and fix his issues, he just got killed instead.

And it sucks because dude was clearly mentally ill and traumatized, and as someone who has mental illness and trauma that can make me act out sometimes too, who also struggles to read the room and understand what people want from me if they don't tell me directly, who ALSO had parents that didn't have my best interests as even a consideration to whatever they could gain from me, it kind of reinforces my anxiety which tells me that I deserve to suffer because of x y z stupid thing I did or said 5, 10, even 20 years ago.

(and before anyone says simon had all the chances to change and grow that grace did, please rewatch the season, he absolutely did not and all of the events that led to grace growing as a person happened when simon wasn't around, yes he was immature in a lot of moments but dude literally did not have a normal adolescence and to expect him to act like a fucking adult all the time after that is ridiculous)

[ghoulangerlee]

Ohhhhh my god I feel you on this whole bc shot thing. I've been on it for a little over two years because I'm trans and getting my period was so bad for my emotional wellbeing I had to do something. I didn't wand an IUD, and I forget to take my medication a lot so the pill wasn't ideal. I was told by two different obgyns that they wouldn't consider removing the uterus becsuse at the time I was only 21 and ""What if you chsnge your mind!!!"" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 so I really dint have a whole lot of options.

On one hand I like not having to worry about the whole thing for 10/11 weeks at a time but on the other hand I also really like not having feeble bones! I've been taking calcium supplements but the pills are huge and I worry it isn't covering the issue entirely. I don't get enough calcium to begin with becsuse I can't drink milk and stuff, so I worry that it's a bandage on a knife wound so to speak.

Last time I was at the clinic for my shot I raised the issue again and the doctor there was like "wait you're literally trans and have no plans for children why the hell don't we just get rid of it????" And I'm just sitting there like why the fuck did the last two people I see not give me this option!?

Anyways I need to discuss the idea more with her but oh oh to get this fucking thing out of me....oh to dream....

Sorry rambling in your asks but this sucks and I sure hope we both get the cool fun and fresh resolution :)

oh my god anon, i feel you. i've been on it for...almost 5 years now? I think around August 2019 is when I started it finally. It was unfortunately the only option we could find for me. I actually can't have any bc that has actual estrogen in it because of my high blood pressure and the family history of blood clots. And like, at first it was fine and dandy! I was okay with it because after 7 weeks of a heavy cycle I was so exhausted and just ready for it to be over. And it's been gone! pretty regularly for the last several years.

Sometimes if I'm incredibly stressed it will sneak up on me but it's like, leagues better than it was. Max 3 days and barely anything at all. So, very manageable for someone who y'know. had it much worse (to the point it would cause my iron to drop significantly all the time).

I hate obgyns who refuse to do things because "you might regret it later on" like, no actually I think I'll regret having this thing inside my body I don't intend to use and having to stay on the shot for the rest of my life. I'm in a same-sex relationship, I don't ever intend to physically carry a child, I just want the thing gone lmao. I've told obgyns that in the past and yet they still insisted on telling me that I might "regret" it.

So, my surgeon did mention that viactiv is a good supplement, which is apparently a chocolate calcium chew haha. My biggest concern is that I have osteoarthritis and being over 30 now, my bone density doesn't come back as fast as it does for someone in their 20s. My doctor is also concerned about it too. I mean like also the weight gain is terrible too, like holy shit it's been the worst (strong ass bc, strong ass side effects I GUESS)

THOUGH APPARENTLY there is a bone density therapy that they can do which will help with keeping your bones strong. I didn't know about it and no one ever thought to mention it to me when they started talking about my bone density lmao. Normal Calcium supplements make me extremely nauseous and I can't take them, so I just stopped lmao.

And I think from there, that's when I sort of decided I wanted to look into getting rid of my uterus for good. Like, I don't plan to have kids, I don't need it. Why should I continue this shot, why should I keep putting myself through this.

Also, idk if you've experienced it, or if its just because I been on it for so long or if it's something else entirely, but in place of the period I just get cramps :) really bad ones :) it's great and what I've always wanted from bc haha.

honestly that's a good doctor, why haven't they suggested it sooner? Literally the surgeon I'm seeing is, ironically, the first obgyn I saw when I switched insurances and go to where I go now, and from the beginning she was like "you're in a monogamous same-sex relationship whenever you want the surgery we can just take care of that" and idk I wasn't in the right place then, I think, to consider it.

yeah it's a long process from my understanding, we're building a case right now, as my surgeon called it, gonna have some imaging stuff done, a few more tests and then we'll set the date and just. remove it. thankfully, no early menopause for me (ironically the One Thing i was most worried about?? I don't know, I've got so much going on, I didn't want to even consider dealing with menopause bc guess what the treatment for that is-- the same damn shot I'm trying to escape lmao) ANON!!! I wish the best for both of us!!! Let me know how things go!! (if you're comfortable!!)

[nctzanne]

Your Last Name

♡ doctor!mark x fem!Reader.♡ smut, fluff if you use glasses

WARNINGS!: use of alcohol and drugs, explicit content, not sex but mentions of it.

𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦: I just want you to give it a try and read it AAAH

𝑅𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑡?: no, an idea i've had since i started stanning NCT

𝐴𝑛𝑛𝑒'𝑠 𝑡𝘩𝑜𝑢𝑔𝘩𝑡𝑠 & 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠: As i said above, this is an idea I've had for sOOOOOO many months, so I really wanted it to make it happen. It was on my drafts for a long time. Thank you so so much if you take the time to read this.

You noticed when your mind woke up suddenly, but without opening your eyes, slowly bringing you back to reality. You tasted your own mouth dry as a bone, with a metalic flavor on it, typical scenario when we talk about hangovers. The headache that invaded you so suddenly made you grab your forehead, almost if you brain was going to explode right there. The smell of fermentation on the room -or wherever you were- made you nauseous, so you stayed still to avoid vomiting everything you consumed the night before. A light breathing woke you up from your trance and inner speech, you could even feel the warmth of it on your shoulder. That's when you realize you were not alone, totally opposite of that, you were cornered by arms twice your size, avoiding you to move on the super duper comfortable position you were in. You still didn't want to open your eyes to notice who the lucky guy was, but you could smell the hints of tequila on his breath. When that hit your nose, you turned around abruptly by instinct, trying to avoid the smell. You opened my eyes a little, just to be able to locate yourself in space-time.

A room hotel, there's where you were. White walls reflected the light that came from outside of the giant windows, making you cover your eyes with the hand that wasn't under the grip of this unknown guy. Once your eyes get used to the light, you remembered that you were at Bora-Bora for vacations with your best friend. You can hear the eagles screaming way too loud for your irritable state, but just noticing where you were made you feel more calmed. "At least I'm here and they didn't kidnap me" You thought, finally grabbing the courage to turn around and see who exactly was the guy that had a night of passion with you.

"Sure, shit"

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

-Wait, repeat it to me, who did you meet? -You asked incredulously, looking at how your friend Rosé was overflowing with emotion and nervousness.

-Do you know this famous band?- She told you a name that you couldn't identify, you automatically shake your head-Anyways, while I was waiting for you on the beach I met with Jaehyun, the bass player, we talked a little and he invited us for a few drinks with his friends!- She talked so fast that you had a hard time processing all the information that was given to you.

-And that's it, a random guy talks to you and you say yes?. He could be a serial killer-

-Ah c'moooon, he's a superstar, it will be funn!!!-

So, a not so official date with guys from a band. Sure, excellent idea.

-Okay, are they handsome at least?- You asked with disinterest

-You can't imagine, y/n, so prepare yourself as well as possible, they will fall for you- she approached the small bridge that united your cabins in the middle of the sea, while she blowed you a flirtatious kiss.

You just laughed and walked towards the windows, admiring the sea. You were literally in paradise, your bedrooms floated above the ocean, the white sand was not so far from where you were staying in, and the horizon was clearer than ever. How lucky you were to have a friend who helped you get over your breakups with a very casual trip to Bora Bora at the Four Seasons hotel. Loneliness invaded you for a second and you decided to get ready for the long-awaited meeting that you would have with her friends.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

A white beach dress with pink heels and your tan is enough, with the right makeup obviously. It was already 7 pm and your nervous friend looked at her cell phone while texting with someone

-Is it him?- You ask, trying to peek behind her shoulder to see if you could figure out what they're talking about.

-Yes, he is telling me he's here at the bar but he doesn't see us-

-Of course, we are sitting, let me raise my hand- and so you did it.

-Here!!!!- Your friend screams in excitement when she sees 3 tall figures approaching to you. They seemed to walk on a slow pace, almost like the came out of a movie. And yes, your heart almost stopped for a good 10 seconds. Three guys, my gosh, models? What were they again?. God definitely had preferences for some human beings.

The fact that they aere so handsome and well… structured made you blush. Jaehyun, Johnny and ...

-Mark, nice to meet you- the youngest of the 3 of them greeted me, with a dazzling smile that makes his dimples appear. You bit your lip and studied his entire face so that you would never forget him again. -y/n, nice to meet you too-

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

Nothing more and nothing less than Mark Lee himself. His makeup was completely smeared, traces of mascara under his closed eyes. His forehead and nose were reflecting the daylight a bit. It was a hot morning (or evening), and having you next to his body was obviously going to make him sweat. His open, broken lips gave off that smell of alcohol that made you sick. But despite of everything, your sight softened after a couple of seconds. He was sleeping so peacefully, and he was clinging to you like his life depended on it, so you couldn't help but smile.

-Mark... wake up- you whispered softly while you tried to get up.

-Hmmmh, what time is it?- his morning voice made my stomach tingle a bit, your sight never leaving his figure while he starts waking up.

He squinted while he sit up in bed slowly, ruffling his own hair. It was obvious that he was in the same blank state you were a few minutes ago, and you could tell by how he confusingly looked around at the room, until his eyes reached at you. His face expression softened, giving you a shy smile.

-Do you need some clothes?- he asked, blushing when he studied your naked torso with lazy eyes. You realized that you both were entirely naked, and you rushed to cover your breasts with your arms, just to earn a pure laugh from him, that made your head resonate in pain.

-We fucked, y/n, no need to hide- Mark put all his weight on his left elbow, getting closer to you while tilting his face flirtatiously. That made you cheeks go red as ever.

-Yes, but I don't remember anything so your point is automatically invalid- His body hovered yours so fast that you couldn't even process what was happening, until he pecked your lips.

-I remember everything, so I will refresh your memory-

You burst out laughing while he deposited soft pecks all over your face. The situation was so sweet, but it didn't make you feel uncomfortable at all. He interrumpted his love actions and looked at you hungrily.

-Mark, I barely can keep myself awake, i feel like I'm going to puke...-You warned him, reading his intentions.

-Okay okay- he looked down defeated- At least, can we cuddle a bit more? I promise I can make the hangover feel better- He tangled his legs and arms to your body, resting his face on your collarbones.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

Everything on that evening was talking about the mortality of a crab. Basics like where you were from, what do you do for a living and relationship status open the conversation.

Your attention was drawn to Mark when he started to introduce himself. As a Medicine student, he decided with his 2 best friends that were part of a band to go on a trip to relax due to the busy schedules that consumes their time. The three live together on a small apartment in Korea, where the rent is expensive so they can make it more affordable.

Bora-bora was the destination of their choice. It seems that the band called NCT 127 draw lot of attention from crazy fans who followed them EVERYWHERE, so an expensive place like so would be easier to have a time for them on their own.

Mark spoke always adding "like" between his words, he liked to lay back when he was sipping on his piña colada, but got closer to the table when you talked about your experience as a journalist.

He tried so hard to show interest on a topic he had no idea about, that his questions were kinda clueless, but it was obvious that it was his way to not cut the attraction and chat between you and him. It was a sexual tension you could feel by kilometers, every gaze you had was followed by a shy smile, and you felt tingles on your body everytime you had a bit of interaction.

-Do you guys do shots?- Rosé interrumpted the conversation, scanning the boys reaction.

-I mean, that's why we are here- Johnny combed his hair backwards, already feeling heated by the 2 gin tonics he drank in 15 minutes. I couldn't deny, him on a tight black shirt looked hot as fuck, I could notice how Rosé was drooling for him- Excuse me, maa'am- he raised his hand, calling the waitress- 3 rounds of shots please!-

-Man, we had 2 yesterday and you almost puked on the sea, go easyyyy- you could notice the tipsy state from Jaehyun as well. His eyes were almost closed on a thin line and his dorky smile betrayed him. Mark laughed out loud, first time in the night you heard him like that, with his cheeks tinted red. He took a big sip of his piña colada, looking at you directly at the eyes. Actually, you didnt noticed till that moment, but your legs started to feel a bit numb. Quite usual for you when the alcohol gets up on your head.

-I'm in!- you answer to Johnny's idea. Once the blue shots arrive, you quickly grab one.

-Cheers for this night to be special- he screams with a deep voice, and the other 2 guys howl as response while you burst out laughing.

When you decided that the amount of alcohol on your body was enough, you took a chance to go to the beach to sing and dance to the DJ placed randomly in there.

You felt bliss, the EDM music was filling your senses, but you tried to keep your eyes full opened so you could remember the beautiful but blurry view of the sunset.

Together with your new group of friends were a mess. Jumping, screaming, raising your hands like you could touch the sky, everything seemed possible at that moment. Even dancing and getting laid with Mark.

The music had nothing to do with your plan, but you got dangerously close to him, resting your arms on his shoulders. You could see that he chuckled, tilting his head back so he could see you fully. Both of you were drunk as hell, you thought you were killing it with the flirting skills, but probably you just looked like two fools trying not to fall for the obvious drunken state you were.

-Do you wanna kiss me?- you screamed while "Jenny" sounded on the speakers. What kind of question is that?

-Sure I do- his canadian accent made you bite your lip while smiling- Can I?- his voice tried to mimic yours, but you didnt answered, it wasnt necessary.

Your lips collided as you got close at the same time, and Mark wasted no time to open his mouth and let his tongue in your wet cavity. You moaned so loud, because you knew no one could hear it but him. A fierce fight between both of your tongues started, every graze of them would make yourself wetter and wetter. He squeezed your waist and tried to keep you closer to him if it was possible, in his drunk mind he was scared you could run away from him.

Nothing about the context was romantic at all. You both physically liked eachother and just wanted to make out. No love at first sight, no kiss with fireworks behind, just pure desire.

Adrenaline rushed your body when his hands cupped your ass, that was only covered by the thin dress you decided to wear. Nobody near you could care less about what you two were doing it, but for you, everyone was looking at the show you and Mark were offering, and that obviously turned you on.

You bit Mark's lower lip, sucked on it, while opening your eyes to look directly at him. Eyes closed, he was enjoying how you toyed his lips. The hard grip on your skin, and a bulge poking your stomach made you feel powerful, you were loving the effect you caused on him.

Suddenly, an arm made you break your kiss with Mark. You lose your balance so you hug the guy that was pulling you backwards. Johnny.

-Hey, pornstars, we have some nice shit here- he pointed his hand with his eyes. You could see a tiny bag with a white dust inside. You come to your senses and look around at the crowd to try find Rosé, but it was obvious she already was under the influence. She was on Jaehyun's shoulders, enjoying the music. You sigh, chuckling at the sight of her losing her mind.

-Its my first time though- you commented while you look at Johnny spreading the dust on top of his phone screen with one hand using a credit card. You could notice he was an expert at it, you peek to see Mark right by your side looking at the manouvers as hypnotized as you. Probably it was his first time too.

You both snorted the little substance, and it sucked at first. It was so uncomfortable, but it took minutes for you to get used to that weird sensation on your nose.

You didnt even noticed when everything started to amplify. You could feel the summer breeze making its way around you, the taste of Mark's saliva still on your tongue was strong, the colorful tins of the sky while it was dusking looked so enhanced.

A hand grabbed yours, taking you out of your trance, and almost felt like an orgasm. So warm and so soft, made you wanna scream. You turned to see a fucked out Mark, studying your face with dilated pupils, he was almost as horny as you by only grabbing hands.

He caressed yours with his thumb, and it felt like he was fucking you, your body shivered at it. Mark was enjoying it too, so he brought your fingers closer to his mouth and inserted the index one inside, and started to suck on it. You moaned and felt how your pussy clenched at nothing, the saliva coating your finger felt like caramel, if you could explain the feeling.

-Mark if you keep doing that i'm gonna cum- you told him with a warning tone, he was so inmersed on sucking your finger that he jumped when you talked. He was aroused by the situation too.

He smiled with your finger still inside of his mouth, took it out, holded you by your wrist and started to run towards...

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

-And we ended up here- Mark sumed up the night while you were laying on his chest, caressing it with the tip on your fingers. His, on the other hand, were playing with the locks of your hair.

-Yeah, i remember now, such a night- and then you snapped- Wait... where the fuck is...-

-Yeah, she was having a threesome with the boys. Dont worry, she was having a good time-Mark answered with a playful tone. Of course, that sounds like a very Rosé thing to do. You let out a breathy laugh.

-We could have joined...- you suggested, looking up at him. He took a few seconds to answer, while his eyes moved from one corner to the other of the ceiling, like he was evaluating that scenario.

-Yeah, and sharing? No thanks- he bit his lip and he looked at you with a greedy smile- I felt so lucky to have you screaming my name over and over-

You hit his shoulder with your fist playfully, and he took that as an answer to keep silent and just enjoy the company of the other.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

2 days went by, you get used to hang out with the boys. All kinds of crazy stuff you could imagine, you were doing it with them, and it felt like heaven. Mark couldnt keep his hands to himself and everytime he had the opportunity, he would make you cum on his fingers or mouth. And the same goes for you, too. Thanks to him, you noticed how good you are at giving blowjobs inside public restrooms.

But nothing lasts forever, sadly, and the last day of your summer vacation arrived. Rosé and you were ready to go back to Seoul, while they would be staying a little bit longer. It hurted, you got used to Mark's attention, and either him or you wanted to ask for eachothers contact. Not because of lack of interest, but because both of you thought that the other saw it as an adventure. You didn't even knew his last name.

His lips devours yours before you could get in the car that was waiting for you on the street -I wont forget you, thanks for this amazing 3 days- he smiled, a tint of sadness on his eyes. You caressed his cheek, pecking his nose, trying to hurry as much as you coulf so you wouldnt start to feel emotional.

-Y/l/n-

He looked at you clueless -What?-

-My last name is y/l/n- you smiled and without waiting for an answer, you close the door of the car.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

-Hey, hey, it's okay- typical of Rosé being so overdramatic. Sure, your finger almost got cut in half while you were trying to cook some carbonara, but it wasnt a big deal, something a few stitches couldn't fix. The only thing that kept your finger from gushing blood out was a piece of toilet paper.

-Please! My friend needs a doctor!!!!- She screamed at the top of her lungs inside the hospital.

-What happened?- a nurse hurried, worried eyes scanning you both.

-She is losing her finger!!!!- Rosé felt she was going to faint.

-Jesus, Rosé, calm down-

The nurse takes a quick look at your finger- Yeah it doesn't look that good, please follow me. You are lucky we don't have that many patients on New Years Eve-

You are guided to a tiny room full of medical stuff, probably where you are going to get your finger sticked together. It hurted as fuck, but you were trying to keep focused on something other than the pain. You looked at the desk with the computer on, and on a hidden corner you noticed a picture of 3 friends, on a place that seemed too familiar to you. Actually, the friends also seemed like an old ones you had... maybe in university? You can't quite remember.

The door opened up while you were trying to dig into your memories , and you looked at the door startled.

-So, Mrs y/n...- that voice, that motherfucking voice. A year has passed. But how the fuck you were supposed to forget it?. You felt your ears buzzing, face heating and heartbeat racing. You were losing your breath and suddenly the pain of your finger got worst and worst.

He didn't turn to look at you, just got inside by looking at his phone, and once he was sit in front of you, his facial expression dropped.

There were the both of you, looking at eachother like dumb teenagers, like your finger wasnt bleeding out, almost like you were backat that bar in Bora-bora again.

-I... uh... yeah, my finger- you stutter, pointing at it. Mark shakes his head, coming back at his professional senses.

Before the medical procedure he performed, he bandaged your finger, and wrote some medicine you had to take for the pain to go away.

-It should be okay on a few weeks, nothing to worry about- he smiled at you, trying to comfort you. You felt your heart drop when he grabbed the healthy of both of your hands and caressed your palm with his thumb, everything felt like a flashback. You looked at him with clueless eyes.

-I... uh... I should come back in a few weeks then- you stuttered, pressing your lips into a thin line while looking at him directly on his eyes. He nods.

-Lee-

You frowned -Huh?-

-My last name is Lee-

[dayslynthesix]

so last night i was reading a hbo spn fic and it got in my nerves, but also got me thinking about things that i wish i could have seen in cw spn, i would love watch dean have a mature and stable and healthy relationship, i think about cas and dean and i really like it, but ever since I'm the writer of my fics i have this headcanon that dean and sam grow up with kids, sons and daughters of hunters that john meet on the highway to hell (almost literally), and there this one that i think about after reading this fic that dean used to smoke and john found out and make dean smoke all the cigarettes that he have with him, or the car, the motel room... in resume: john being an awful person and father (flare gun by foolondahill17 ( @foolondahill17 on tumblr - https://archiveofourown.org/works/20887115), so here we go:

ps: i just inspired myself in flare gun, i like the representation of a terrible man john was and as i said, i really like the idea of a mature relationship between dean x someone

flashback, 14 years ago:

dean had smoke close to three packages of cigarettes, he was dizzy, his heartbeat was accelerate, he feel nauseous, after he finished the cigarettes and john thought that he has tought him a lesson he went hide in lexi's room, and lexi could read him so well that immediately she knew that something was wrong. dean lie down, his breath was heavy, he had this shaky voice:

"i just need to lie down a little bit and i coming back to my room."

"thats ok, what happened?" dean went silent, "dean? what happened?"

"dad found my cigarettes..." lexi raised an eyebrow, "and he make me smoke all of them." lexi stand up, infuriate, her blood boiling.

"john winchester did what? he lost his mind? what kinda of parent do something like that? agh, im gonna fucking kill him..."lexi was caught out of guard when her bedroom was open, and there it was the devil, john didn't look like he abused mentally his 16 years old kid, but that was the thing, he never look different after he screamed at sam, or hit dean, or was just being awful.

"dean, let's go." dean started to raise his body but lexi's hand pushed him back to the bed

"let's go where, exactly? because you son it's not in any condition to be on foot."

"dean, let's go." john said again, running out of patience

"when I talk to you, you answer to me." lexi said, a 16 years old kid, 5'2 on height, direct to john winchester

"alexia, I'm not gonna have this conversation with you, dean is my son and I'll do whatever i think is better, now dean, let's go."

"i don't think you got the memo, john. this is my house, my room, my family, I'm the one who is in charge here. what do you think my mom is gonna do if she knew about that? do you honestly think that the social service is not gonna take your kids, kids that you negligently look over ever since mary died, away from you? you are the only one who's leaving, get out of my room. i didn't invite you in." john take a step back, blink a couple of times, and the bastard smile

"you can't protect them forever, you know that, right?"

"do you wanna see me try?" then he leaves the room, dean let go a deeply breath:

"you're a little bit insane, people never said that to you?"

"all the time, trust me." dean never answered back, he sleep most part of the night, when he wasn't sleeping he's body was fighting and metabolizing the nicotine.

today:

dean and lexi were sitting on the floor, waiting for someone, anyone, show up and take them out of that place, some witch lock them up- again.

"you know what? last night i was remembering that night that you dad prove that he was an awful dad."

"yeah, one of them. and yet, sammy was the only one who could get out of that violent cycle. dad got angry all the time, specially after he left." lexi hold a cough "you on all of you 5'2 tall make dad a little scared."

"do you want to know something that i never tell you about that night?" dean got closer to lexi on the way she was speaking

"sure, why not?"

"your heart stopped that night, i thought you were going to die in my arms." dean got out of breath "that day i realized that we could never be the significant other to each other, we could be used against each other so easily, your dad got a nerve that night, you nearly died, and years later you really died..."

"wait... what are you saying?" dean got really confused

"when lilith open that door, when the hellhounds got into that room and tear you apart, i couldn't stop them, i saw you green eyes got out of life, and i remembered that night, your heart stopped, dean, i had to pull you out of death, i cried so much while i was doing the chest compressions, my sister got into that room and she give you a full shot of epi, we don't even knew what we were doing, i just couldn't imagine a life without you messing around." lexi was really good at making dean wordless and she was just mumbling words that weren't making any sense

"i didn't know that..."

"i was never gonna tell you, because yes, i do have feelings for you, but i can't put you in the position of being used against me because i don't know if i can stand all that again, so if we died tonight, i hope i stay dead, because you can live in a world without me, my sister can live in a world without me, she's gonna suffer but eventually she'll move on, but im not sure if I can live in this world knowing that you're not here, and its not just because of feelings, its because your family, and after everything, the darkness, lucifer, everything damaged we've been through, i think if this is my last rodeo, I'm in piece. im in piece knowing that tory is alive, that sam is alive and thar you can stayin this earth a little bit longer." dean was pulled out of his mind, he hold lexi's face between his hands

"we're not gonna die today, trust me." lexi hold a tear, she was too damn proud to cry

"ok, if you're saying so."

the silence got back in place, it was like they never said a word.

"I've got feelings for you too, you know, ever since we're 17, that stupid car race, you needed stitches, and we went back to your mom, that night i knew what you meant to me, its just... as adults things got complicated, after sasha died i thought you wouldn't want something like that in you life, and our siblings are just the bargain coin to demons, ghosts, everything that's out there, so i never said anything, i didn't want you to have to carry that with you, but i do have feelings for you, as long asi can remember i have feelings for all of your stubbornness, little respect with your life and the reckless way you've earned all these years on the road."

"i miss sasha, i really wish her to be here, not here physically, but just alive." lexi rest her head in dean's shoulders "sasha was the closest thing I've got to true love, and unfortunately she was caught in the crossfire, im never gonna forget that night, lilith deserved to die for everything that bitch did to you and sash... but I've always wanted that sparkle again, the butterflies, that happiness... i thought after jo you were the one who didn't want anything with someone else again."

"jo and I... we're never was a thing actually, i liked her, she liked me and she was killed. i didn't want to loose anyone again, so i close myself in that cycle of self destruction, never allowing more than one night stand."

"i don't want things to change between us..." lexi said after awhile

it feels like hours latter, the door opened, sam was there, tory was there, they were all bleeding, carrying weapons and guns, but they went after dean and lexi. both of them got up, they leave that nightmare house behind and dean and lexi they never talked about what was said in that room, but things were slightly different between them, they were a little bit cautious around each other, they were touchy, they starved to physical touch, but they never got together in that way because as much as they liked each other they couldn't stant the idea of being held as bargain against each other.

[kaiparker-avengerssmut]

Their Doll 9

You Love Him

B.Barnes x Stark!Reader, S.Rogers x Stark!Reader

series synopsis:  y/n Stark, all records of her non existent, and yet Hydra still find her. When she is kidnapped by a certain super-soldier and no one believes her, she finds herself searching for unexpected familiarity in her not-so-distant past.

Series Warnings: smut, violence, torture, swearing

Chapter Summary: bucky is consolingly, y/n feels shit

Warnings: implied NON CON, smut (the whole chapter is basically smut, you’re welcome), feelings and shit, blood, death of unnamed character, swearing

A/n: The timeline in this has been altered, as there I things I wanted to include but I also wanted this fic to follow the storyline/timeline of Winter Soldier and Civil war.So for purposes of this fanfic, Peter Parker was discovered by Tony at a much younger age - when he was bitten - and has been an intern with him since, almost like a protégée.(For the purposes of this story Peter was bitten much younger too - more like when he was 9 or ten rather than 14/15)

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

I flinched as the blood sprayed, splattering across my face sickeningly as the dagger plunged into his neck. The body fell limp, collapsing to the floor with a hollow thud, a sound that barred me from ever going to heaven.

Of course, I wasn't the one who was holding the knife. In fact, the whole scene could be seen as rather comical if a man hadn't lost his life. The melodic tune I'd hummed as he'd lifted the knife to his own neck, the fear in his features as the jagged point pressed to his skin. But it was the sight of the life leaving his eyes, the splattered blood that made the whole thing so...sinister.

I stopped humming the little tune, checking over my make-shift scene before swiftly exiting the building through a back window - making sure not to remove my gloves until I reached my bike.

That was the true beauty of my power, or at least in HYDRA's eyes it was. The fact that I could simply stand by, and make my victims - their victims - do all the dirty work for me, and when all is said and done to everyone around them it looks like they'd killed themselves.

Id made the man scrawl a quick little note first, as to try and convince his family and friends it was a suicide and someone didn't hold him at gun point or something.

I can't live like this anymore

That's all the note said. Not too short, but also not so long it instantly because unconvincing and obviously forced. I mean let's be honest, if you were to off yourself would you really drag it out or would you be so desperate to go already that you'd find the quickest way out? I know what I'd do. It's not like I'd thought about it since joining HYDRA...but let's just say the thought hasn't entirely avoided me.

...

It was almost like my ritual, every time someone died at my hands. I would arrive back at the compound - where two guards would search me (arguably much too thoroughly to the point that every time it happened I seemed to feel nauseous after) and I'd be sent straight off the the shower room.

From there, I'd let the cold water wash over me, usually spiking my skin into goose bumps before my eyes would become shellacked with tears and my mind would start to numb. That's when I'd slowly sink to the floor, head held in my hands as sobs wracked my frame.

If we're still being honest, I never actually new how long this lasted. It could be minutes, that only seemed to stretch for hours, or it could in truth be hours that were just as long as they felt.

There is one thing I know, though. It's always the soldier who brings me out of it. The warm touch of his flesh hand against my shoulder, the shivering cold brush of his metal one before he's pulling me to my feet and engulfing me in his beefy, yet welcoming, arms. Again, I have no idea how long this lasts, but I sure hope it lasts for hours.

When he'd pull away, my eyes would remain glued to his plump lips, my tongue trailing along my own as my eyes would burn with a hunger. If I'd looked up into his eyes too, I'd find a similar hunger blazing there.

He initiated the kiss, as he always did, lips desperate and hard against mine, almost bruising as his teeth nipped at my bottom lip to beg for entrance. And I always grants it to him, moaning at the feeling of his tongue curling over mine, his hands tangling in my hair, roaming my body, playing me like an instrument he'd been practicing for years.

The soldier pushed me against the wall, lips sucking and kissing along my neck - sure to leave a mark but neither of us cared. In fact, I'm sure he rather liked it, having me marked as his.

I let out a long moan as his fingers - the metal ones - found their way to my core, tracing over my slit and up to my clit to collect some of the wetness there before they were plunging into my heat.

"Fuck! Soldier!" I cried, heat thrown back against the old tiled wall as he worked his fingers at a punishing pace inside me, working me open so I could take him. He was curling his fingers just right, hitting that one spot inside of me that sent shivers down my spine and made white spots form over my vision when I came apart. The soldier smirked at me, detaching his lips from my neck and bringing his digits to his lips before sucking my juices off them right in front of me.

The sight was sinful, really, and all I could do was keep myself standing as my legs shook with arousal and the remnants of my previous orgasm.

"Delicious." Was all he said, before the soldier's lips were back on mine is a bruising kiss and him large hands were cupping my ass and pulling my legs up around his waist. I moaned against his mouth, tasting myself as his tongue swept its way into my own mouth before stroking over my tongue. There would surely be bruises decorating me whole body when this was done - not an unusual occurrence - from how hard the soldier was gripping me, but the pain only amounted to the pleasurable sparks setting my body alight at that very moment.

I reached down blindly, not wanting to break the searing kiss as I felt around for his aching cock. Of course, it wasn't very hard to find, and once I felt it I took ahold of it with a hand wrapped delicately around him. I pumped the soldier's length a few times, a long, low groan slipping into our kiss as I lined him up with my entrance. My head was once again thrown back when his tip nudged my clit, sending my eyes rolling back in my skull and forcing a scream from me when he plunged in in one thrust.

"S'tight." He grunted against my neck, pulling his hips back slowly before snapping them forwards with enough force to make me thick there could be cracks in the stone wall behind us. It was torturous, his pace, so slow yet so hard I felt as if the air was being punched from my lungs with every thrust.

"F-faster." I moaned, hands holding onto his muscly shoulders for dear life as he begun to fail into me. My cunt was stretched to its limit around the soldier's girth, yet the sinful burn just felt like more pleasure as the pace of his thrusts distracted me. My eyes were constantly rolled back into my skull, legs jelly around his waist and if it weren't for his hands holding me up my my ass I would be sprawled on the floor in that moment.

My brain turned to mush, and I could even remember my own name, let alone enough words to tell the soldier how good he was making me feel. So instead I opted for a long, drawn-out moan as his tip kissed my cervix with ever pump inside of me. The soldier looked down to see where our bodies were connected, his eyes glittering with lust at the slight of my wetness dripping from his cock and liger coating both our thighs and most probably the floor in my slick. What made him smirk even wider, though, was the bulge in my stomach every time he thrusted, his cock so deep in my you could see it.

The soldier pressed down on that point, a new wave of arousal flooding through me at the thought of taking something so big.

I could feel myself clenching down on him like a vice, my second realise so close I could almost feel it. From the way his hips faltered and his thrusts stuttered to the guttural, wanton string of moans that escaped his lips like a symphony, I could sense he was close too. I reached down, rubbing furious circles over my swollen clit, trying to push myself over the edge at the same time as the soldier.

I don't know who's orgasm triggered whose, but from the way they ripped through us, it was apparent that one caused the other.

...

I sat mindlessly in my cell, the only thing I was able to do was stare back into the blue eyes already trained on my own body. I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't admit it.

I shook my head, trying to shake the thoughts creeping through my mind, clawing at me and begging me to accept them. But the idea made me feel slightly sick, I think. Well, it could be more that it should make me feel sick, but try as I might, it wouldn't.

I couldn't stop that little voice, the one literally screaming the words at me every time my eyes slid over him, every time the soldier was in my sight: you love him.

[msmarvelwrites]

The Winter Ghost - Part 3

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn't and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x y/n

Warnings: PTSD, violence, swearing, anxiety. 

W/c: 2k 

A/n: Big thanks again to @cutie1365​ for editing this chaper. Girl is a hero, honestly. And thank you guys for all the love on the previosu chapter. Enjoy! 

   "Welcome back, мой ребенок " His breath drifted across your cheek and startled you awake. The sound of the lights above you buzzing, mixed with the musty smell of wet basement made you nauseous. You tried to move, but your arms were chained down to the table. Frantically you looked around the small room for some way out. That's when you saw him. A ghost of someone you couldn't quite remember. The way his crooked body twisted as he approached you made you squirm. 

   "Do you not remember me? Did I not leave a lasting impression? мое сердце разрывается." He chuckled and clutched his chest dramatically. You opened your mouth to scream, but nothing came out. Instead, you pulled on the chains violently trying and failing to free yourself. 

    "Please, do not hurt yourself. That's his job..." He trailed off looking in the direction you couldn't bend your neck to see. Suddenly there were two large bodies on either side of you, holding your arms tight against the bed. 

      "Where is the blueprint, мой ребенок ?" He questioned. You thrashed against the two zombie-like men but it was no use.

 "Fuck you!" You nearly spat. His only response was a sinister cackle that bounced off the walls of the room. 

"Fine. Have it your way... Tell me, Y/n. If I cut off your arm, do you think 2 more will grow back in its place?" He smiled a wicked grin. The two men next to you looked to him, awaiting his orders. 

   "Сломать это." He shrugged, casting his gaze to the floor. In seconds, the man on your right twisted your arm so it was stretched out, palm down. In one swift movement he brought his elbow down, colliding it against yours, shattering the bone. Your screams mixed with the sound of your bone cracking echoed all around you.

     "Fucking monster! I don't care what you do. You've already taken everything from me! I'm dead already." You all but shrieked. Purple and yellow bruising was already growing around your twisted arm.

   The lanky man took two wide steps toward you, now hovering over your head. A long deep scar ran from the top of his brow, down his nose and along his lip. His eyes bulged and he spoke.

"Not everything... However, that can be arranged. We cannot kill you, you have our blueprint..." He paused for a moment like he was thinking.

 "Это готово?" Is it ready? He asked the man to your left. He only nodded. A sickly grin spread across the ghost’s lips. 

"Perfect. Call me when you're done. We'll put her on ice, so to speak." He walked towards the steel door in the corner.

   "What do we do with her after?" One of the men by your side asked. You were surprised by how high pitched his voice sounded. Their leader grumbled and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

"Put her in a car and push her off a cliff for all I care. I don't need her remembering anything but the blueprint. Not yet anyways." With that, he left. The steel door slamming behind him. There was a horrible drilling noise as an excruciating pain ripped through your brain. Tears welled in your eyes as you passed out.

   Your eyes burst open, squinting as you adjusted to the bright lighting. You looked around panicked, realising this was not the coffee shop. The room was white and clean and bright. You noticed a quiet beeping from the machine beside you, echoing your heart beat. I.V's protruded from your forearms. Your eyes slowly fell to the man sitting in an arm chair across from you. 

     "Hey there, slugger. How'ya feelin'?" He chuckled. You recognised him as Captain Rogers. As you focused, you noticed he had a pink gash on the bridge of his nose and bruising under his eyes. You opened your mouth to speak, but a dry cough came out instead. You cleared your throat, and tried again.

 "I-I'm okay. What happened to your face?" Your voice only came out as a raspy whisper.

   "You." He spoke matter of fact. When you only stared at him he continued. "You can really pack a punch. Are you sure you're just a barista?" He scoffed, eyeing you carefully like at any moment you could attack. As if your body didn't ache at the thought of moving a finger. 

"I'm not sure of anything anymore." You signed, staring at the tiles on the ceiling. You looked back to Captain Rogers. "Where are we?" He smiled and stood crossing the room towards you.

 "You're safe. That's all that matters, Y/n. A friend of mine will come by later with the nurse. He's kind of an expert when it comes to your situation. Hang tight, get some rest. I'll come check on you later." And with that he exited the room. 

  About an hour later you began to feel your muscles relaxing. Slowly, you sat up on the bed, taking in your surroundings. ‘I'm never going to financially recover after staying in this hospital,’ you thought. 

   "Well it's a good thing this isn't a hospital, doll. Not really." You looked up startled by the man leaning against the doorframe of your room. You weren't aware you had said that outloud. He noticed your surprise and chuckled deeply. He had a sort of lopsided grin and long, dark-brown hair that framed his stoic features. The deep red shirt he wore was pulled taut against his broad shoulders. And then you noticed a silver metal arm loosely tucked into the front pocket of his dark jeans. The man quite literally looked like he could tear you in half like a piece of paper, but his eyes gave him away. They were soft and kind and crinkled just slightly at the edges when he smiled. You stared at him, hypnotised for what felt like forever until he cleared his throat, knocking you back into reality. You felt the blood rush to your face and looked away, the floor suddenly becoming very interesting to you.  

     "It can be really overwhelming when you first get here. Trust me, I know." He spoke, asking with a nod if he could enter your room further. You smiled weakly and he took a step through the door. 

"Steve told me what happened. You really knocked him around good." He laughed, his ocean eyes sparkled as he did. 

"I don't remember," Your voice was much softer than his. He must have been referring to Captain Rogers. You didn't peg him as a Steve. Maybe a Brian, or Bruce... Or Grumpy. The nickname made you smile. 

    "Yeah, I know that feeling all too well." His smile faded but his eyes stayed locked to yours. The intensity of his stare made you blush. "It used to happen to me a lot. But, Steve helped me remember myself. He can help you, Y/n." The way he said your 'name' made you shiver. You couldn't tell if you really liked it or not.  

   "Who are you?" You blurted, sounding more direct than you meant it to. He smiled, "Everyone around here calls me Bucky." You looked around as he said that. 

"And where exactly is 'here'?" You fired again. He chuckled softly. 

"Welcome to Wakanda, doll."

      A little while later, after Bucky explained to you several times who the Avengers were, who Steve was and why you were here, one of the nurses entered. The nurse took a few tests, drawing blood from your arm. You winced and instinctually looked to Bucky. His eyes were soft and filled with concern.

   Steve took a seat beside Bucky on the windowsill and smiled half heartedly. "I'm sure you're very confused Y/n. My friends and I are going to do our best to try and help you remember everything Hydra made you forget." He disclosed. 

You looked to Bucky and he nodded reassuringly. "Piece of cake, doll." He offered, kindly. 

You smiled and looked back to Steve. "Okay... Fill me in."

   An hour and about 80 questions later Steve finished explaining and you finished asking. You didn't remember anything he spoke of, but you knew if you were here, there must be some truth to it. It helped that Bucky sat beside you the whole time. Steve explained that your father had worked for S.H.I.E.L.D for many years but when he realized they had been infiltrated by Hydra he left. Same as you. Hydra was behind your family's house fire. They  murdered them, just like they did Tommy. Steve explained what a good man he was. That he worked across the hall from you and would often leave you notes on your desk. You looked to Bucky who was staring at the floor, picking at his nails uncomfortably. 

     "They were working on a new type of brainwashing. One that would wipe a person's memory's completely leaving only fragments of the truth. It was a way to keep S.H.I.E.L.D agents who knew too much quiet." He continued. He looked to Bucky, whose eyes were still fixated on the floor. 

"Is that what they did to you?" You asked him. His head snapped up, empathy in his eyes. 

"Nah, doll. Not exactly." He explained. You waited for him to continue but he never did. 

     "What about my car crash? The doctors said-" Steve cut you off, "Hydra staged the whole thing. After they cleaned your slate they couldn't have you questioning where your memory had gone. It was easier to keep you thinking the crash had caused brain damage and that's why you had pieces missing." He finished. Suddenly the strange nightmares began to make sense. Maybe your memory was beginning to return?

   "Will I ever remember?" You asked, your voice small. You didn't know if you really wanted to. From what Steve had told you, your life sounded pretty fucked up. Maybe Hydra did you a service by wiping your memory. 

   "There is a way," Steve started, looking to Bucky who was gazing out the window now. "One of our friends, Shuri, has come up with a remedy. She helped Buck regain his memories, too. We can start the process today. We have to take it slow, though. A lot happened to you, Y/n. It may be really painful to re-live. But, you have the blueprints to a weapon that could quite literally end the game, so-"  

  "Ultimately, it's your decision Y/n. We're here to keep you safe. Not just from Hydra. I won't let anything bad happen to you." Bucky interjected suddenly, cutting Steve off before he could finish. His words were soft and kind. Steve looked to his friend and back to you, knowingly. 

"Thank you Bucky. But, these assholes took everything from me. I can't stand by when I know how to end this." He nodded in understanding. Part of him looked almost disappointed. But you quickly brushed it off. 

  "Then it's settled. I'll ask Shuri to start prepping. We'll get you a better room to keep you comfortable. Oh, and Y/n" he paused, getting up and heading to the door. 

You looked up and he smirked, "Welcome to Wakanda -" 

"I already said that." Bucky mumbled over Steve. The blonde gaped at him, taken aback by his sarcastic tone. 

"Fine whatever, I thought we agreed that it was my thing but okay."

.................................

A/N: ahhhh chapter three!! Im having so much fun with this you guys! thank you so much for reading. As always, any and all feeback in welcomed! Hope you have a great day! 

[catsbrew]

Hey! Don't wanna be rude (and if this question seems too personal, feel free to ignore). But you seem like quite a feminine person, why exactly do you feel like a genderless person if you could and want to explain. Again, not trying to be rude! I'm just curious :) love your art btw!

I'm sorry but Iwould like to ask how I seem feminine?  This is my art blog, so Idon't use it except for art. Unless you are assuming my art style ismore “feminine” I don't see how this is an ok question to ask onan art blog.

I'd let it slide ifyou came from my personal, but then if you knew my personal then youcould have asked there.

But for the sake ofsetting things straight I will answer your question.

I don't likegendered pronouns. I never have. This was my first indication that Imight be agender or something along the genderless line. Not only didI despise gendered pronouns but, and as cliche as it sounds, I neverfelt male/female or anything generally in between.

So I grew up withthis gross internal feeling of un-comfort whenever I was refereed toas a boy or girl (My legal name is Jordan, so many were confusedabout my sex, especially on paperwork.)

I always thought itwas some puberty thing, and it would eventually pass. But it neverdid. In fact, It got worse. Yes, at birth my doctor designated me asfemale. So when puberty hit, I got boobs and hips and my uterusdecided I deserve a little piece of hell every month.

That's when theproverbial shit hit the fan for me. I mean early in life, no onecould tell my gender, I was literally the definition of androgynous.But puberty fucked that up. All I heard after it was “Her” “She”“Daughter” any feminine word you can think of I was called it. Itmade me nauseous.

At some point I hadhad enough, I turned to google and found words to describe thisunknown feeling. I went through many names for it. Genderfluid,demi-boy, trandgendered (to male), and many more.

But non of them everfelt “right” until I decided on agender, and if felt… perfect.Well, perfect for me.

No gender, they/thempronouns, just a human doin human things.

So yeah, I'm agenderless human. Who feels genderless. Because I am. Blep.

[boofrp]

1 (more coming) I'm a little confused about your situation. I understand that you don't feel comfortable disclosing all the details with people online, although I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you're asking for donations. I realize mental health plays a big part in the reason why you're unwilling to get a job, but... If I were in your shoes, and I was stuck in a toxic environment, I would be doing whatever I could to ensure I was out of that situation.

[CONTINUED] Sure, offering resources for small fees can be helpful, but there are people out there giving them away for free - so how far can that really get you? Eventually, you’re either going to have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and do what’s best for you, so you can escape the toxicity, or you’re going to be stuck there forever. Personally, I think it’s time to grow up and realize you’re not going to make a living off of selling resources. I just think it’s very unfair to those of us who are working for our own money, and I believe you’re completely capable of going out and seeking employment. Yes, you have issues - but so does everyone else. There are people who are way worse off than you are, I’m sure. I’m not trying to be rude, but I’ll admit I’m a tad bit suspicious. A piece of me believes you’re just trying to get whatever you can out of the community, as if they owe you something. You’ve been known to lie before, therefore I just can’t trust your story and accusations. Sorry.

   i actually wrote a long ass reply to this but because my computer crashed right before i was about to post it, i lost everything and need to start again lmao. ANYWAY. i never once thought that in a community that is branded to be a “safe haven” and an “escape from life” that i would be thrown some bullshit like this at my feet, making me feel anything but safe or comfortable. honestly there are few messages i have received during my time on this account that made my stomach drop to my feet. this includes messages coming straight out and telling me to kill myself - that i can handle.

 but something like this, honestly made my stomach drop and i hope you’re happy because when i first read this last night i began gagging/feel nauseous and then had a full blown anxiety attack and breakdown. now i’ve had some sleep and i’m not reacting as badly as i did at first to this message but i’m still shaking and feeling incredibly sick because: fuck you. now i really hate explaining myself and trying to “prove” myself to people that really do not deserve the time of day from me, but i guess i should have expected this because there are some really fucking toxic people in this community. lets get to the fun part, my actual replies to the points made in these horrible messages !!

POINT A: “if i were in your shoes i would be doing anything to get out of your ~toxic~ situation” --- first of all, be fucking thankful you are not in my situation because it SUCKS. it really sucks and experiencing this level of pain on a daily basis whilst trying to remain positive is really fucking hard. and guess what? YOU’RE NOT IN MY SITUATION. therefore you have no right to sit back and play commentator on everything i have said and done. let’s get that straight. now i have fucking tried to get out of here. let me make you a nice fucking list because you probably won’t settle until you have all the information from me.

>>> i have applied for ten jobs in the space of two days, all of which i was qualified for or they offered training for if i wasn’t. all of the answers were the same: we have filled the spot or you’re not what we’re looking for. and i have to admit my resume is pretty fucking lit because of all the things i achieved before my mental health destroyed my life. >>> i have babysat for a woman who years ago traumatized the FUCK out of me one day and i don’t want to go into specifics but it was really hard to put aside the fact that she made me run home in tears to my mum when i was 12 for a stupid reason. >>> i have considered asking my sister if i could move in with her. get this, any other time i wouldn’t even think of it because: a) she lives in a small three bedroom house - by small i mean really fucking small. b) she has a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter as well as herself and her boyfriend so you can imagine how much space they have already taken up. OH and she’s having another baby so they would be struggling to even fine space for them. c) i know that if i live with her i will only be able to have a suitcase of my possessions and would have to sleep on the floor, yet i still consider it and am close to asking. d) i have practically lived with her for a month and had a complete breakdown at the end because i was treated like a babysitting machine instead of a human and being an introvert, when spending so much time with people i need time for myself to regenerate but because the house was so small and the children wouldn’t leave me alone - i broke down. >>> i have done things to get $5 that i do not want to talk about because i know that if i even told my family i would immediately be disowned and i am not proud at all about what i’ve done to EAT FOOD. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. >>> and lastly, i’m asking complete strangers for money - something that i have struggled with all my life is asking people for money, even asking my mother for $5 for school when i was younger invoked anxiety. but here i am.

POINT B: “sure you can offer resources for money but how far is that going to get you? people already make them for free” --- do you REALLY think i came into this thinking that selling resources was going to pay my rent? do you REALLY think i’m dumb enough to believe that i could actually live out on my own with just commissions from people online in exchange for pixels that will be meaningless in a few years? HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? you know what, $5 every now and again isn’t going to pay for my funeral insurance or my wedding in a few years, but $5 NOW is going to buy me a pretty decent fucking meal for once, it’s going to buy me a part of a ticket out of this small town. in the long run, $5 a week is going to add up and its going to HELP. also, there must be a reason more people are taking commissions each day - because there are actually people in this world who are fucking KIND and i like to believe in those people. paying commissions isn’t even buying my resources to me, because i know these people can get it anytime they want for free. no, it’s like a pat on the back or like paying someone a tip. IT’S JUST BEING FUCKING THANKFUL. if i had money i would be tipping my friends all the time. but i don’t.

POINT C: “it’s unfair for those of us who are working for our money” --- i’m,,, sorry. IS MY MENTAL ILLNESS A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO YOU? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY HALF OF Y O U R LIFE, MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY IN THE WORLD? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R FRIENDSHIPS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS TURN Y O U R CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENTS INTO APPOINTMENTS WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND FINDING WAYS TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOL LIFE MORE COMFORTABLE SINCE YOU WERE LITERALLY TWO STEPS AWAY FROM KILLING YOURSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MORE TIMES YOU CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U ATTEMPT SUICIDE TWICE BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN SIXTEEN? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS EFFECT Y O U IN YOUR WORKPLACE TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WERE CLOSE TO GRABBING THE NEAREST PLASTIC BAG AT YOUR REGISTER AND PULLING IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U BULIMIC AND ANOREXIC? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE IT HARD FOR Y O U TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT WANTING TO FUCKING DIE? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R BODY IMAGE? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

POINT D: “you’re capable for going out and looking for employment” --- please refer to my next answer to another anon who is a fucking dick too.

POINT E: “you’re just trying to get shit out of the community cause you think it owes you something” --- again... FUCK YOU. what the fuck have i done to make you believe i’m that shitty of a person? and if i was trying to scam this community out of money or whatever the fuck you think i’m doing, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THREE FUCKING YEARS IN THE MAKING, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW I COULD MAKE A FEW CENTS USING ADF.LY LINKS. i have lied about things in the past, but things that i a) owned up to and b) were NEVER about my mental health or my living situation. i’mm fucking SURE that if you go through my blog you will find me talking about how fucked i am in life. this isn’t some story that i shit out yesterday for money, for fucks sake. if it seems like i suddenly have all these problems - i’m fucking great at pretending i don’t want to be alive and that i hate myself.

POINT F: “i’m not trying to be rude” --- YES YOU FUCKING ARE. IF YOU WERE NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SELF AWARE OF IT AND PUT YOURSELF ON ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IF YOU KNEW THAT THIS WASN’T RUDE, YOU WOULD HAVE COME OFF OFF OF ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. but of course this isn’t fucking rude it’s just picking away at my life and trying to make it sound like i’m a fucking asshole because i am literally suffering in my own home :~)

     you know what? there is no way i can possibly come to a nice conclusion about this message in a sentence or to. so here is all i’m going to say: a) i’M NOT COMING TO YOUR DOORSTEP AND ASKING YOU SPECIFICALLY TO HAND ME OVER $2 SO I CAN BUY DRUGS OR WHATEVER THE FCUCK YOU’RE THINKING and b) YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING DESERVE AN EXPLANATION FROM ME BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. i don’t know what the fuck you want from me. my family is in $7k debt from my mum’s boyfriend’s mum’s funeral a month ago. do you want the fucking death certificate? do you want to see the flowers we got from her funeral insurance? DO YOU WANT A WHOLE FUCKING LIVESTREAM OF HER DEAD BODY BEING LOWERED INTO THE FUCKING GROUND? OH FUCKING HELL, DO YOU WANT TEXTS THAT GO BACK YEARS BETWEEN ME AND MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF ME CONSTANTLY TELLING THEM I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD WHAT I EAT IN A WEEK? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD MY MOTHER TELLING ME I’M BEING FAT AND TO STOP EATING? DO YOU WANT ME TO HANG MYSELF IN PUBLIC JUST SO YOU CAN FUCKING SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IT? i don’t know what the fuck you want from me and what your great plan was when sending these messages, but i hope you’re fucking happy.