#ft. elif karadaş

[nicocastillo]

·✥· end.

Elif stood there, gaping over at the man who was supposed to be her best friend in complete and utter disbelief. I’m sure he wouldn’t say it out loud, especially if it was true. For the first time in her life, she found herself holding her tongue. Biting back a 'go fuck yourself' because honesty, who the hell did Nico think he was right now? He never knew Damien. He wasn't there when she had first triggered her curse. All of those months she thought she was going crazy, all of those years Damien had helped her. She would never pretend that Damien was a good guy by any means, but she had been with the man for almost four years before she agree to marry him and she almost married him. But all that time, all those years, everything she had given was apparently insignificant. She hadn't been a person, she had been a prop, and Nico could stand there and pretend that he didn't think of her that way too- that he was merely telling her a hard truth, but if honestly didn't think it even a little bit, would he really have said it?

"Yeah, what the fuck do you know?" She muttered under her breath. Her own eyes snapping up to his as she bite back. "Better than the past fifteen years of my life having not matter?! Are you fucking kidding me? If that asshole didn't give a shit about me at all, if I truly didn't matter like you're saying, then what was the fucking point of being on the run to begin with? So all of that fear and hurt and pain was for not, hm? But, oh I get it. It gets to be all your fault. The alpha who failed Kitty and me and likely everyone else. You get to live with your guilt, while you stand there and take mine from me? Fuck that and fuck you!" She swore under her breath. Her jaw remained clenched as she wiped at the tears streaming down her cheeks with the corner of her sleeve, shaking her head back and forth as he continued on.

"You know," Her gaze dropped as she tried to calm her shaky breaths to no avail. "That day, I thought you chose me. Yeah, we barely knew each other, but here was this incredible person who stuck by my side despite not having much of a reason to because he thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that was the kind of person I'd want to go to hell and back for, and I thought we did. I thought it was you and I against the fucking world. Except apparently I was just, what? An excuse to leave town when you already had one foot out the door? If I hadn't shown up, you likely would have left anyway whether it be on your own or with someone else? Did taking my side really have anything to do with your moral compass or was it just a way to rebel against your mom? Was I just some easy out?"

"That day meant everything to me and of course every day after did too, but if I wasn't a reason at all, if I was just convenient then... well, then, maybe you and Damien have more in common than either of us originally thought." The only two people who had ever defended her like that had been him and Damien. But unlike Damien, Nico had been different. He had been selfless. He had defended her to his own family and left town with her without an ulterior motive. She had been so sure of it and, yet, now- now she was wondering if she was just an idiot?

"You think I want to feel this way?" She asked from where she stood on the porch, her hand gripping tightly onto the handle of the front door. "I lost her too and I'm fucking devastated. I'm allowed to be. I didn't want to feel or be a person for one fucking day. I just wanted to stay a wolf and wallow. And yeah, I told you to go away, while you told me I was insignificant. So, maybe we're both just shitty ass friends, hm?"

She pushed past into the house and when she finally emerged, she slowly moved to slump into the seat beside him. "It looks like you," She whispered quietly back as her gaze fell to her knees. "I... I think this place is already yours. I think it has been since the day you decided to leave to come back. I knew it every time you called saying you'd be another week when we both knew you weren't coming back. I used to think you just couldn't bring yourself to admit the truth out loud yet and maybe you still can't because, yeah, it's a pretty fucked up and dangerous town you've got here, but... but you wouldn't have those friends or that wife if you hadn't stayed," She pointed quietly out. "You wouldn't have your house or your dog. And one day, who knows? You might even have little Nico's or Jasmine's running around too. It might not be where you wanted to lay down roots, but you have. And as for losing everything to this place the way your mom did, I think that's really up to you."

"I..." Her breath hitched in her throat as she slowly moved to stand up again, taking the duffle bag she had packed with her as she turned back to look at him once more. "The only thing I have left here, Nico, is you. I don't really have other friends. Not many I haven't hooked up with anyhow. And you're right. I'm not really much of a reason for them either. I thought maybe I had something with... um with Ronnie, but the moment I didn't put out, she went and found someone else, so... so I didn't grow up here. I don't have any roots and, the only reason I could think of staying, is because what I did have here was family. Was you. But if you're not a reason, then..." Then she didn't have anything. Not a job. Not a cause. Not a person. She didn't have a place to go. If there was a button she could press to erase herself from the face of the earth, she'd be fairly tempted to push it right about now. But instead, she merely tightened her hold on the strap of her bag as she told him, "Goodbye Nico."

END?

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

"Too late? Says who," he countered, stubbornly. "And as for changing my mind at the end—one, I don't agree that it is, and two, I'll do what I want. Or do we have to live as who we were, on our worst day, on our one argument, for the rest of our lives? That sounds pretty fucking boring to me, I don't accept it." He shook his head, not accepting the dismissal of his offer, either. "Thing is, this house will stay here for a while, with or without me. Dogs, portable. And I don't think my wife would take too kindly to being used as an excuse for letting my best friend go off on her own. She loves to travel, she lived out of an RV for years, I gotta believe there are harder sells." Nico folded his arms. He could feel, in his chest and breath, that he was picking this fight just to pick it. The kind thing to do would be to just let her go, but he wasn't feeling kind. A lifetime of hating to check the mail because it probably wouldn't have postcards or letters ninety-nine days out of a hundred, sounded like a fucked up nightmare, and he didn't want it. "I'm going, then. You wanna do this, we're doing it. You want to stop me, go ahead and try."

Her hands fell back to her sides as she slowly pulled away. Her eyes didn't lift from where they were pinned to the floor as if looking at him might break her more than she already was and gave him the smallest shake of her head. It was a movement so slight it could've been missed. "Can we not?" Elif mumbled out after a prolonged beat. "You can believe what you want." He could believe that out there was better for her if that was what would help him in the long run. He could convince herself that she'd find happiness or whatever other hopeful rhetoric people give themselves to cling onto. But, she knew there was nothing left for her anymore. It was why she was no longer scared to leave. She had no more hopes or ambitions. No more failed attempts at some sort of self-proclaimed path. No more wide-eyed and dreamy stares after souls who could give less of a damn about her. She no longer could bring herself to care about just about anything and maybe everyone else in town was right. Maybe the second she stepped over that border, she'd be shot down. Or maybe it would take a week or a month or a year. Or maybe it wouldn't happen at all. But, if it did, c'est la vie. She knew what she'd find out there would hardly be happiness, but without anyone or anything to tether herself to, she was in a weird and kind of fucked up way, free. Free to fade off into oblivion. Free to get lost in some random city in Europe. Free to be content in not mattering. Not making an impact. Not making a difference. And maybe that was okay.

"But, you're not coming with me. You have a life here. You have a wife and a dog and a house. And its too late," She admitted. Her shoulders lifting and falling into a small shrug as she finally brought herself to look at him. "You said it yourself, 'if you're going, go. If you're staying, then stay'. But, you wouldn't be my reason, so you don't get to come after me. You don't get to change your mind at the end," She shook her head back and forth. She wouldn't do that to Jas. She wouldn't ask that now that he had a family.

Elif let out a deep breath, the kind that trembled on the way out like it had gotten caught somewhere in her chest. She pushed through a smile anyway, as the tears welled around her eyes, threatening to fall. “This is it,” she said softly, like saying it aloud made it real. "I'm really going to miss you," Her voice didn’t crack, but it wavered just enough to betray her. “And I'll write. Send postcards and stuff." Little reminders that she was still out there. Still alive for now. "But, I'm not coming back and I know you're not leaving, so I just, I need you to know, you were the best friend I've ever had, okay? You've been the best friend I've ever had."

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

Nico wiped his own eyes, chuckling through the flurry of emotions that was circling around and through him. "Oh, well if tiktok says—" He swiftly raised his hands and pulled away from Elif, alarmed and defensive. "I'll cry on my own, I promise! Don't sauce me, you menace, I'm not a hot wing." But he returned the hug just as tightly when his friend buried herself in his arms again. "Hey—come here. Is this just from me getting married?" He drew back a little to fix Elif in his sights more firmly, chin tilted with concern. "You know you can tell me, if there's more to it than that. If the camera's confusing? I get it. It took me like five pictures of my shoes to figure it out, you're not alone." He was fairly sure that if there was anything else bothering her, it probably wasn't polaroid-related, but still.

"I can't help it," She choked up, trying to no avail to hold back her tears. "I'm just so happy for you," She sniffled. Pulling the hanky she had tucked away in her blazer pocket in an attempt to dress her suit up a bit, she full on blubbered into it. Blowing her nose, before she lifted her head back up to look at her best friend. "Too bad! She should know what she's getting herself into marrying into this family," She reasoned as she let out another little sniffle. "And you should cry. Brides apparently like it when you cry. If tiktok has anything to say about it, if you don't cry, she might turn right around and walk away until you do. You can tear up on your own, right? Because if not, I'm sure if we dab a little hot sauce into your eyes, you'll be bawling like a baby in no time. And you did drag me into a town death trap, didn't you?" She mumbled out. The corner of her lips tilting up all the same as she pulled him in for a tight hug. "You better not or Jas and I are going to have some words. Only a little, right?" She asked, not wanting to do a bad job at taking photos, but also knowing that she might get tears all over the polaroid when she tried. "Okay, okay. We've got this," She said, giving him a little nod, before she shook her head once more. "On second thought, we don't got this."

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

"Hey, hey, hey—" He caught Elif on reflex, returning the hug even as he picked up on the panic in her voice. Words spilled out in a rush and he focused on staying upright as she clung to him like a very distressed but extremely buff koala. "I thought I saw the Reeds when all hell broke loose, yeah," he murmured under her onslaught of information, feeling numb as fear constricted his heart. This was the first confirmation he'd gotten that Jas had fallen into whatever this was, too. Absorbing that, he almost missed the mention of an injured human, his brain skipping right to the next item before swiftly rewinding to catch it. Still locked in the hug, he nodded into her shoulder. He managed to get some air as she pulled back, and took a moment to hold her shoulders and look her in the eye. "I'm so damn proud of you, Eli. You're brilliant, and so brave, and I don't even need to know what happened to know that you've got nothing to be ashamed of, okay? And we will find Batman's toilet, I promise." He had no idea what she'd meant by that, but his conviction didn't waver. "After we're done saving lives." He reached for his med bag. "Lead the way."

@nicocastillo

"Nico-" Her voice choked up on his name. She barely got the word out as her feet carried her forwards. Flinging her arms around her best friend, she pulling the other wolf in, giving him the tightest squeeze imaginable as she felt herself breaking down. She had been doing as well of a job as she could holding it together after the night she had just had, but the moment she had caught sight of him and saw that he was safe, something took over her. She practically feel her eyes tearing up in relief as she refused to let him go from the hug. "Jas- Jas is under whatever the hell this is. All of the Reeds are and, and, I tried to help get as many people to safety as I could, but- I couldn't stop all of it. There's a human a few blocks away whose loosing a lot of blood and I lost the batman toilet seat and felt slut shamed and I'm just so glad you're okay. Today sucks. But," She cleared her throat, finally pulling back just enough to ask him, "Do you have your paramedic bag on hand, because if so I could really use your help. I can show you the way?"

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

Most of the time, Nico didn’t mind it if people misread him. He stayed firm in the conviction that his actions would clarify anything about him, in time. But most people also didn’t matter to him the way Elif did. It was harder to breathe, facing an unfamiliar rage in her eyes. And he knew what he’d meant by what he’d said. But that didn’t matter if it didn’t reach her. He may as well have been staring at a sheer cliff face, as insurmountable as getting his point across could be.

“He didn’t have to say it with words, he said it with what he did, with the way he treated you.” Nico said back. “I’m sure he wouldn’t say it out loud, especially if it was true.” It would have gone against the picture Damien tried to paint of himself, the suit he wore to lead people and make them believe him. “But what the fuck do I know? Maybe you were the most important thing in his life. Maybe he genuinely loved you, and he needed you.” Nico shook his head, a sharp swing, and he couldn't stop the anger in his voice. “Is that what you want? For it to all have been because of you? To be the reason some asshole hunted you down and terrified you and hurt you? Is that better?”

“You want credit for something?" Nico snapped. "How about— not my leaving home with you." He let out a scoff. "We barely knew each other then, Elif." He was literally shaking with adrenaline. "But what about every day we spent together, after that?" He jabbed a finger at her, overcome with the ache of it, the feeling like it was somehow less important, because she hadn't ruined his life. It wasn't fair. "I chose to stick with you, because of you. Every morning, for ten years, I woke up and actually wanted to live my life." Pulling back, he wished he had somewhere to retreat to, somewhere else that wasn't yelling at his best friend in front of his dead parent's house. "But maybe that doesn’t matter as much as some—some world-shattering horrible thing? Maybe it doesn't matter to you that I was happy and that it was your fault. But it matters to me.”

He collapsed back onto the steps. Bitter bile rose in his throat at the reminder of Kitty. He couldn’t deny that he felt responsible, any more than she could, he supposed. But there was a difference, not only in what he owed the wolves in his pack, but in the way he was trying his best to deal with that, even now. “I don’t want to feel that way. And I came here, to you, to ask for your help. I was trying to do better—” His voice broke. “You told me to go away.” Maybe he’d gotten too used to relying on her, especially when things got emotional. It wasn’t really fair, but it hurt to have that certainty pulled away.

She pushed past into the house and he sat on the steps, just listening to his own pulse in his ears. Gradually that faded, and he could hear the shuffling from inside, and the humming buzz of insects in the woods, birds and small animals uninterrupted in their daily work despite his own world crumbling nearby.

He rested his head on the wooden banister, one that he’d done his best to reconstruct after he’d destroyed it. It would never be as good as it was before.

Elif’s footsteps emerged from the house, and he felt her sit beside him, with a bag. Dully, he thought, good. It’d be better if they just let go. He’d never have to worry about her jumping into a fight for him, getting herself hurt or killed in some horrible way that he could've prevented, if she put some distance between them. At least it wouldn't be his fault. The cowardice in that stung, and felt truer than any bravado he could've put on in that moment.

As she spoke, he let the words wash over him. He knew that it was true, deep down. She’d always cared, so much more than he could bring himself to. After a moment, he reached out and lifted the small wolf carving from her palm, turning it over and looking at the lines of it’s face, made with more feeling than skill, maybe, but all the best things were. “It looks like us,” he said, quietly.

Nico sighed then, and couldn’t look at her, just holding the little wooden wolf in his palm, so tight his knuckles whitened around it. “I’ve been trying to love this town. For a really long time. Sometimes I think… I get close.” He gazed out at the blurred shapes of the trees in budding leaf, as familiar to him as the shoreline, the salt air and the bustle of people around the Town Green. “Someone will say something kind, or do something good they didn't have to, or I’ll have a moment to stop and rest, and it feels less like a cage? I wanted to make it better, for you, for the pack. That’s what I’ve been trying to do.” Nico glanced back at the house behind them, the new sign by the door he’d installed that read lone wolves welcome. “But... since I've come back, I’ve been kidnapped, tortured, beaten and electrocuted, orphaned... Had my friends die, my wife threatened and put under dark magic spells, almost been killed myself a few times..." His voice lowered, and grew bitter. "Making the best of it? Trying to make things better, pretending like there’s a way out of this? It all feels like a bad joke. I don’t want to fit in here, not the way it is now. I don’t want to lose everything to this place, the way my mother did. But it seems like that's what it takes, to feel like it's mine.”

He ran a hand over his face, pulling himself together. "If you're going, go. If you're staying, then stay. But don't let me be the reason for either. I don't want that." I'm not worth your life.

Elif’s jaw clenched, a muscle ticking beneath her dirt-streaked skin. The pained expression behind her eyes didn’t falter. If anything, it deepened and darkened as though his words continued to scrape at raw wounds that hadn't quite scabbed over. Her fiery gaze locked onto his, unflinching and unrelenting. And when she finally spoke, her voice was tight and poignant.

Damien was wrong. Believe that’s what you are, I’m sure his ghost will fucking love that. "Only, Damien and I weren't the ones who said it," She snarled back. He was. Her best friend was the only to point out how truly insignificant she was.

"So, I'm not a trophy. I just don't matter, is that it?" Her jaw tightened as she continued on. "Not a reason, not a cause. Just a person whose too insignificant for her own exe whose been tracking her down for years to give a shit about her. Too unimportant for anything to actually be my fault. You said it yourself. You didn't leave town for me. I wasn't a reason. I just, what? Showed up at the right place at the right time? How could I ever think anything in my life was because of me? I'm just a person of little to no value, hm?" Her eyes began to shimmer, the first sign of tears gathering despite the blaze still burning behind them. She didn’t blink, didn’t look away, even as the weight of everything she’d buried began to surface all at once. The rage held her upright, but it couldn’t stop the ache that twisted in her chest or the way her breath caught, just once, like her body was trying to hold back a dam already cracking.

And in a twisted way, a trophy seemed like it was almost better. At least a trophy was something sought after. Someone coveted and worthy to be shown off. While she was what? Not a cause. Not a reason. Simply there like the specs of dirt clinging to her bare skin. She stared him down, unmoving and unyielding, letting him see every ounce of pain and fury etched into her face as she turned the conversation back on him.

"Like you?" She scoffed. "You're the king of it's my burden to bare! You get to feel like you let Kitty down. Like you let me down and the pack. Like you weren't strong enough. Like you made the wrong calls. But, not me. Why? Oh wait, I know. It's because you're not 'just a person'. You're 'the alpha' whatever the fuck that means. Only if you actually acted like more of a person rather than some 'leader', let us help you and relied on us too, then maybe you wouldn't hate the job so much."

Loyalty wasn't a cop out. Loyalty was love. In life, no matter what happened, sometimes all you needed was someone to be there for you no matter what. To know that there would always be someone who had your back at the end of the day. That you'd never be alone. Loyalty was family. It was the thing that had kept her going when everything else had fallen apart. Elif had given it to Nico, not blindly because it was easy, but because something in her gut had always told her he was worth it. That he deserved it and she never needed a reason beyond that. But, now there was doubt crawling under her skin. She had always thought that they had been equally loyal to each other. That it was them against the world. He had given up everything to go with her, only now she knew that he already had one foot out the door and, if she had never come to Lunar Cove, Nico's story probably wouldn't have been all that different. So, what did that make her other than a fool?

I’ll always be here to fight anyone who thinks you’re less than you are.

"Then you should look in a mirror," She side stepped around him, pushing past him to make her way into the Wayward house. She made a beeline straight to the bedroom she had taken over. She yanked a tank top over her head, continuing to hastily tug on some clothes, buttoning up a pair of jeans, before she moved to begin shoving things into the empty duffle bag that had been sitting on the foot of her bed all this time. She had spent weeks staring at the empty bag, unable to bring herself to put one thing inside of it. Not that she really had much to begin with, but she had been a coward. Too afraid to leave or even make a move. How could she when the only family she felt like she had was here? Only, now, shoving what little belongings she had in felt uncomfortably easy. In a matter of minutes, she had packed up her entire life into essentially a gym bag.

Elif gave the room one last sweep, the final zip of her bag echoing louder than it should have. All that was left was the tiny wooden wolf on the windowsill, if it could even be called that. It was misshapen, barely resembling any creature at all, more blob than beast, with a crooked smile carved where its snout should be and the letters BFFL scratched unevenly into the bottom. She’d made it for Nico months ago, whittled it late one night with numb fingers and too many feelings, but she’d never given it to him. It was ugly in a way that made her once laugh. It was quirky and stupid and hers. Now, though, as she stepped onto the porch, the air cool against her skin, she dropped her bag with a soft thud beside the steps.

Wordless, she lowered herself beside him. "I used to say the same about you." Not just family, but her hero. She had raved about him to far over half the town. He was the best person in the world. The only person who had ever stayed. Her best friend. But, he was wrong about her. "I came here for you." She had been attacked by a hunter and she had been scared. She liked to pretend that she was strong enough to take on the world with her two fists alone, but that was a lie and she knew it. She couldn't protect herself from the hunters all on her own. So, she came here to the town she had been run out of, not because it was a so called 'safe haven' or because the hunters couldn't reach her, but because he was there. Her family and, when she had felt like she had no where else to turn to, she went looking for home. Not a place, but the one person who had always made her feel accepted and safe. "I could have gone anywhere. Anywhere in the whole world. But, I didn't, because you were here and I wanted to go home." She moved to whip at her eyes as her tears slowly began to fall. Her shoulders barely brushing his as held the little wolf out in her open palm. "Only I don't know if I belong here." She thought she belonged where ever he was, but what if she had been wrong?

"I don't think I do. Not with this town. Not with the pack. I only join because of you, but the butt of the joke is that I don't really have anywhere else to go." And not because she might be shot down by hunters the second she stepped over the mirage, but because she really didn't have anybody else out there to go to.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected. For a moment, when she changed and stood on two legs again, her skin streaked with dirt but standing tall, he could see the rage in her eyes and felt hopeful. Defiance at least meant there was still some fight left in her. 

It still hurt, though. He felt like a bully, felt like the bad guy. Hearing her say the word trophy as though he'd meant it was true, as though he thought it was worth believing, he lost what little was left of his patience.

“Damien was WRONG,” he snapped back, voice lowered to a snarl. “And he’s dead. Believe that’s what you are, I’m sure his ghost will fucking love that.”

He stopped in front of her, meeting her furious gaze with his own, but found himself faltering. The anger released him, just slightly, and exhaustion swept in to fill the space. Every deep bruise left from the fight radiated beneath his skin, against his joints. He didn't feel healed, no matter what showed on the outside.

“But it’s not true. You aren’t a trophy, and you’re not the cause of all those bad things you think are your fault, Elif. You’re just a person, you’ve got the ability to do good and to help and to hurt—like me, like anyone.” 

Loyalty was a cop out. Nico knew that, he’d known it for a while. A cheap, easy way to keep from actually making choices. And he didn't want it, anymore, especially not from Elif. All the talk of family, of dedication, of pack. Maybe it had held them together out in the world where every day had felt like a risk, and that made the easy choice align with the right choice. But here, she had options. Better ones, probably. He didn't want anyone standing beside him through thick and thin, he wanted them to choose for themselves, not just follow his lead—especially if he was leading the wrong way. 

He didn’t want it—but he couldn’t bring himself to be the one to cut the ties between them. It would be easier if she did it, called him an asshole and said she never wanted to see him again, or better yet, made sure he was the bad guy. He wished he could lie to her face, just push them both over the edge and be done with it.

But he couldn't. Nico felt worn to the bone. It was too much. His voice lowered. “I’ll always be here to fight anyone who thinks you’re less than you are.” His shoulders dropped in resignation. “Even if that person is you.” 

He sat on the steps, heavily, and let himself continue speaking, almost to himself. "You aren’t just my family, you’re my hero. Always have been. I know you probably don’t see it.” For years, she’d been taking care of herself. Putting herself through classes, finding company and companionship when she wanted to, defying the odds and staying alive, living fully. Jumping when she had to jump, wearing a wild grin when she'd land, whether it was with people or out of bad situations, or just for the hell of it. And Nico had found courage in that. He didn’t think she needed protection, he thought—he knew—that given time, she’d find a way to protect herself. 

“You take care of yourself. You do. Or else why try to steal from Saskia? Why run from Damien, and try to arm yourself? Why come here, the second time? Not for me, I didn’t need you here in this death trap of a town with me—I didn’t even want to be here myself. You came here for you." He’d seen the scar on her arm, something a weapon would’ve left, probably silver, definitely a wound and one he didn't ask about, for all the guilt it brought raining down on him. "I will always be glad you came. Always. But I can't stand to see you acting like someone else has to lift you up or you'll die there, it's not right. That's not the you I know."

Looking up to her, from where he sat, he added, quietly, "I'm sorry I took your fight from you without asking. I was afraid of what he'd do if I didn't stop him right away. And he really should’ve killed me. I knew it, during the fight. He had me dead to rights, I was wounded, he was bigger, stronger. He didn’t have the distraction of worrying about his pack. He was going to win. Until I thought about who I was fighting for.” Nico felt another stab of grief, less potent and more bearable, the way he knew it’d feel for the rest of his life. An echo of loss. 

He shook his head. “You weren't the only reason I fought him. But you're a big part of the reason I won, and survived at all. You could pull joy from a stone, Elif, and I know you won’t give up on yourself, not because you're selfish, but because you're strong. I don't know what good a trophy would do. But you can do whatever you decide to."

Of all the ways she thought the world could wound her, she never thought it would be him. Each word landed like a killing blow. Her body visibly flinching as he actively sought out to hurt. His voice repeating in her head on a loop. You think everything that happened was because of you? You were a trophy for him, Elif. Not a reason, not a cause. Just a fucking object. How stupid was she to believe that she could be anything other than completely and utterly insignificant?

She told him she could never hate him and when she had said it, she truly had believed it and yet, in that moment all she could feel was an overwhelming and soul crushing surge of rage. A snarl coiled in her throat. Her muscles bunched as if she could tear him apart with her teeth alone. He had never been on the receiving end of her anger. He had never even had her raise her voice at him. Why would he? Her best friend. The only person in the entire world she could count on. It didn't matter if she would have handled things different or if she might have disagreed with a choice he made. Because he was Nico. Wrong or right? It didn't matter. She would go to the ends of the earth defending him and she thought he'd do the same for her. But, he didn't leave town for her. He left with her and, if she had never shown up, watch he would have left anyway. Because the truth was she was inconsequential. Not a cause, not a reason. Something to be taken, owned, passed between hands, fought over like a prize. Not a person. Not someone who mattered.

Almost as quickly as it came, the anger crumbled beneath the weight of something worse. A hollowed-out grief, raw and aching, like something inside her had been cut open and left to rot. Elif's ears flattened against her skull under the crushing realization of how truly unimportant she was. Here, she had eagerly given every piece of herself away, not bothering to leave anything for her own keeping and for what? For this? For the knowledge that even he, even the one person she held above all others, had seen right through her this whole time? That everyone probably saw it too?

She had always known deep down that all she was good at was being a pretty little thing. A source of entertainment. Good in bed and nothing else. She couldn't hold a job. It wasn't as if she had many passions of her own or hobbies outside of sports and she hadn't played, truly since college. Back when her entire team had been terrified of her. She didn't have lasting relationships. She didn't even really have friends outside of him. She had people she slept with, but from the stale bagels she'd receive in the morning as a form of 'payment' to the way she would be cut off with kisses the moment she started to talk about herself, she was fairly certain of her place in them. She was a nothing. A nobody. A laughing stock and an idiot who had no purpose in the world. And here she thought she had stuck around town because she was a coward who had been too afraid to face the world alone after being shot in the arm by a fucking hunter, but apparently being coward was just another thing on the long list of what she couldn't do right.

You left first.

Bad friend? check. Deserter? check. Selfish? check. What next?

And now you get to scream, and howl, and run away. And I get to pick up the bodies, and help the injured, and take my unconscious wife to the hospital.

So, that's what he saw this as. A tantrum she was throwing. An inconvenience. A burden.

If you really believe you're at fault for all of it, then why aren't you taking responsibility. Why aren't you doing something about it? You could help the people you think you've hurt, instead of just laying there in the dirt.

Elif’s chest rose and fell, too sharp, too fast. The growl had died in her throat, replaced by something silent, something shattered. Her body swayed, unsteady, her limbs trembling in a way that had nothing to do with exhaustion and everything to do with the way the world had just tilted beneath her feet. She had spent her whole life believing in him. And he had destroyed her with a few simple words.

The last thing she wanted to do was shift back. Every bone in her body screamed for her to stay as a wolf, to turn on her heels and leave Nico in the dust and keep running until her muscles burned and her lungs ached. Until she found the deepest and darkest part of the woods where no one would ever find her again. She wanted to stay a wolf until she forgot what it felt like to be anything else, until she got stuck this way and never had to bear the weight of being human again. But she forced herself to move. She pushed herself up from the dirt he had practically implied she had been lazily laying in and shifted.

The transition came in a rush of agony. Her bones snapped and twisted. Every nerve in her body caught with the familiar sensation of fire and yet the pain was oddly comforting, drowning out the deeper ache he had just carved into her chest and when she finally stood before him once more, as a human, her piercing gaze was unwavering. Her eyes, red-rimmed and raw from everything she had spilled in her grief, burned into him. She could barely see past the blur of her own exhaustion, could barely think past the numbness setting in, but she still found her voice—hoarse, broken, but sharp enough to cut.

If you really believe you're at fault for all of it, then why aren't you taking responsibility. Why aren't you doing something about it?

"What good would a trophy do?"

She threw his own words back at him, her voice an echo of everything he had just shattered.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

He waited, and didn't let go. When he felt her relax and wrap her arms around him in return, he thought about asking her to stay. And then, as he caught the hesitant word, he decided against it. As much as he might want that, she'd never been happy here, not really. And it would be a lie, for him to want it for his own sake rather than for hers. He didn't let go, but said, into the quiet of the hug where no one could hear but the two of them, "It's out there. I know you don't believe me, but it is somewhere out there for you. And, you might not believe this either but..." Nico pulled back to look her in the eyes, with no hesitation in them. "If you want me to come with you, I will. I'd figure out how it works with the rest of my life along the way." He couldn't give her the past, his leaving town with her when they were younger would always be about a lot of things, but he could give her this, now, unequivocally. That he would leave behind his heart and his life to make it so she wasn't alone out there. He shook his head, and whispered. "I'll go with you. For no other reason. Just for you."

Elif stiffened at first, caught off guard by the sudden weight of his arms wrapping around her. She hadn’t expected the hug, not after their fight and the way he had avoided her during the basket auction. But after a second, she let herself lean into it, arms loosely coming up to return the embrace. The silence stretched between them, thick and a little too honest. It took her longer than it should have to find the word. When she finally did, it came out small, like it didn’t quite belong to her. “Yeah,” she murmured after a breath. “Happy.” But the word felt foreign on her tongue, like she was borrowing someone else's shoes, too tight in the wrong places, not made to fit her anymore. Still, she stayed pressed against her best friend for just a moment longer, hoping he wouldn’t hear the truth hiding in the quiet- that she didn’t really know what happy was supposed to feel like anymore, but she wanted him to think she did. For his sake, now that she was leaving.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

Nico could tell from looking at her that she'd probably gone without any proper care for herself since the dance. And that just threw it all into stark relief, every jagged detail hanging off her expression, coming at him as if to say, you let this happen. And we will never be alright again.

And he could see his own hypocrisy, could hear it in his thoughts, but he couldn't be anything but incredulous as she began to list off the things that she thought had been done for her, because of her. The reality, he knew, was that it was bigger than either of them, but that was too hard to reach.

"Are you serious?" He scoffed, and pushed himself up to his feet, looking down at the wolf on the ground. "You think everything that happened was because of you? Like Damien didn't show up with an entire pack, ready for the challenge and ready to cause as much damage as he could—you think that it was all for you?"

Something sparked, in his chest, like electricity from a worn down wire. And he could feel it run through him. "You were a trophy for him, Elif. Not a reason, not a cause. And when he had you, he was going to reach for the next thing he could take, and the next, and the next, until someone stopped him." She deserved so much better, and he would never regret killing Damien, for that alone. Trap or no trap, Nico would've done the same no matter the circumstance.

"I didn't leave town for you. I left with you. You didn't rope me into anything, I chose you—like Kitty chose. Because she cared." His composure broke, and he turned away from her small form collapsed in the front yard. "She cared, more than she should've—" His breath heaved and the world spun, gripping onto the banister of the porch until it splintered under his claws.

I miss you too—

He wanted to focus on that, to stay with that and ignore all the rest, but his head whipped around to face her when—

"You were right there?" He stared, unable to believe what he was hearing. "You walked out to go and meet him, Elif." Nico's voice shook. "He sent for you and you left to meet him. Alone. And you said nothing to me, or to anyone else—not even a heads up." Running out and seeing her there, trying to pull her hand from Damien's grip, was one of the most terrifying moment of his recent memory. And it had been completely fucking avoidable. "Don't talk to me about making decisions alone. You left first."

He shook his head, voice sharpening. He wasn't going to let her waste away in her guilt, not like this. Even if he had to say things he didn't want to say, if he had to drive the point home in a way that hurt, he would do that before he let her stay like this. "And now you get to scream, and howl, and run away. And I get to pick up the bodies, and help the injured, and take my unconscious wife to the hospital." His voice was too cold, it didn't sound like his, but it felt like it still. "If you really believe you're at fault for all of it, then why aren't you taking responsibility. Why aren't you doing something about it? You could help the people you think you've hurt, instead of just laying there in the dirt."

"I'm angry, too. I'm so angry I can't fucking breathe, I'm choking on it. But I need you." He strode down the steps, looking down at her, accusing and challenging and hurting. "And I need you to get up."

The wolf let out a small, exasperated huff, its ears twitching as it reluctantly shifted its head. Slowly, almost dramatically, it tilted its snout back around. Her bright unnaturally blue eyes flicked toward Nico before letting her head drop onto its folded paws with a soft thump. She lingered there for a beat, as if savoring the weight of her own sulk, before finally, with a sluggish sort of resignation, she dragged herself around to face them fully. Every movement screamed reluctance, yet there was a quiet softness in her gaze as her eyes met his.

No. I'm not going to freaking bite you.

A low, rumbling growl rolled from her chest. Her ears flattening as her sharp gaze locked onto the scar marring the human’s cheek. The wolf's lips curled ever so slightly, hackles bristling with barely restrained anger—not just at the sight of the wound but at the words that followed.

You're so dramatic. I could never hate you. But, I am mad at you. So go.

The wolf's tail flicked sharply, frustration evident in the way her claws scarped against the ground. She had never been mad at Nico in her entire life. Not once, until now, and it wasn't a feeling she liked. She didn't want to feel this way and, if he stayed, she had a feeling she'd only end up regretting what she'd say.

It wasn't your fight! He wasn't your problem. He was mine and now Kitty is dead because I didn't leave town and you were the one who had to finish him off. siktir (fuck!), She growled. Her eyes quickly adverted from his as she moved to scratch at the dirt some more, before she let out a low howl. You killed him because of me. Kitty's dead because of me. The witch got bite because of me. The human mauled because of me. Do you understand? Another visceral growl escaped her lips. Damien found me and I roped you in to it. I've been roping you into from the day we first met and, if we hadn't, you might not have ever left and- She tried her best to shove down her thoughts, but they both knew what the end of the statement was going to be. How his mother might still be alive.

It wasn't your fight and you didn't even talk to me before you accepted the challenge. What if you had been walking into a trap? What if he had fucking won?! She growled again. I get you're the alpha. But, you're my family! You're all I've got.

The wolf’s chest heaved, the fire of anger still burning hot in her veins, but it was quickly drowned by the sting of something deeper. Something raw. Her breath hitched, and despite the fury curling through her, her eyes began to well with unshed tears. She squeezed them shut, as if that alone could stop the ache clawing at her heart, but it was no use. A strangled whimper slipped past her throat before her legs buckled, sending her collapsing onto the ground in a trembling heap.

I miss you too, but you cut me out of my fight and-

Her claws dug into the dirt, shoulders shaking as she tried to swallow the storm inside her as she thought back to how she was dragged, kicking and screaming from Kitty's lifeless form.

Just because you're the alpha, doesn't mean you have to make every decision alone. I was right there.

Utterly helpless having to stick to the sidelines as the only person in the world she cared about had their face clawed at on her behalf and, now, every time she looked at Nico she'd know that how that scar should have been hers or how she could have stopped all of this, if she had only been a little less selfish.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

Nico stepped out onto the porch, a dishcloth slung over his shoulder as he wiped his soapy hands off on his jeans and looked at Elif with surprise. He listened, partly prepared and tensed for whatever came his way. After a quiet moment and her words sinking in, he shook his head, slowly. Then he pulled her into a tight hug. Whatever words he had expected, they hardly mattered anymore. " I'm sorry, for everything I said." He whispered, and squeezed her tight. "All I want is for you to be happy."

@nicocastillo

"Hey, I'll be quick," She promised. The words spilled abruptly out the moment the door swung open. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see about now, but, um, you were right. I don't have anything keeping me anymore. I tried to find a reason, but I couldn't and so, I'm on my way to the bus station right now. I just... it felt weird to go without at least saying goodbye. I know I already said goodbye, but a goodbye for real. So," She let out a shaky breath as she finally brought herself to lift her head. "Goodbye Nico. I hope get everything in the world you could possibly ever want and I really wish you, Jas and Thunder the best."

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

When he'd gone to look for her afterwards, he'd only caught stray scents around the Wayward house. Enough to confirm she'd been there, and, judging from the fact that she hadn't sought him out, enough to confirm she didn't want to see him.

But he still flinched away when he heard it in her thoughts, and sank down to sit on the front steps, several paces away from her. "Or what, Elif? You'll bite me?" he asked aloud, without much intonation. He kept his thoughts and feelings carefully masked from her on the Pack bond, not allowing his own emotions to intrude on her. "Go ahead." The bandages had been removed from the right side of his face earlier that week, but the scars there were still angry and red, healing slow enough that he had to wonder if there wasn't a psychological component to it, his body refusing to completely erase the evidence of what he'd done.

He folded his hands on his knees, staring at the sharp edges of his claws rather than at her. "Look, you can hate me. I deserve that. You can leave the Pack, you can leave the town if you want, shut everything out, run free. You deserve that, if it's what you want. But if you do..."

His voice dropped to a torn whisper, and he sunk his face into his shaking hands, mindless in pain as his emotions broke through. "I know it's not fair, it's... too much. But I... I need you here, I'm not asking you to do anything, or to be okay..." He'd let her down, let Kitty down. He hadn't been strong enough, he'd made the wrong calls. Jonah got hurt. Rohan got bitten. And Kitty had died. "It's just that... everything hurts, so much. And I miss you." But when he looked at the wolf across from him, it was like she wasn't even there.

@nicocastillo

The small wolf lay motionless in the grass outside of the Castillo house. Her snout pressed into the damp earth. The scent of grass and dirt doing nothing to ground her. The raw, aching howls that had torn through her throat for hours had long since faded into nothing but a thin, broken whimper. Even that felt like too much effort now. She had no more sound left to give, no more fight, no more grief that could be voiced. It was all hollowed out inside of her, leaving only this unbearable absence.

She hadn’t moved in hours. She hadn’t eaten in days. The hunger gnawed at her, but she barely felt it anymore. What did it matter? What did any of it matter? When the sound of approaching footsteps disturbed the quiet, she didn’t lift her head. She already knew who it was. Nico. He’d been here before, hovering at the edges of her misery, waiting for her to come back to herself. But she wasn’t going to. Not now. Maybe not ever.

As he got closer, she finally moved—not to greet him, not to acknowledge him, but to turn away. Slowly, stiffly, she pulled herself to her feet, every limb trembling beneath the weight of exhaustion. For a moment, it looked like she might run. Like some distant, instinctual part of her wanted to flee. But she didn’t. Instead, she took a single, faltering step before collapsing back down into the grass, this time with her back to him. A silent dismissal. A refusal. She didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to hear whatever words he might have. He was her best friend and, any other day of her life, she would have sworn to hell and back that he could do no wrong. He was perfect. He was always right. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her and, yet, for the first time in her life, she found herself mad at him. Mad that he got hurt because of her. Mad that he accepted the challenge before she can even tell him that he might be falling into a trap. Damien had been her mess. Her problem. Not his. And not Kitty was dead and it was her fault and the last thing she needed to was to hear that it wasn't.

Go away Nico. Please.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

"Hey you," he returned, in the same tone but more breathless. As she smiled up at him and began to tear up, then pulled him in for a hug, he buried his face against her shirt with equal feeling. "Stop it, you gotta stop..." He shook his head, smushed into her shoulder as he felt his own eyes tear up. "You cry, I'll start crying, Jas will get disgusted with us for being sappy for the whole thing and call it off because we're too pathetic to continue... I'm so glad you're here with me, Eli, even if I dragged you into a small town death trap to do it," he whispered, and gave her another squeeze for good measure. "I'm never leaving Neverland, are you kidding? I'm not growing up if you don't, I refuse. It'll take more than fancy suits and me getting married to change us, got it?" Wiping his own eyes he did his best to try and straighten out her shirt, and her hair, patting her shoulders and then putting his own stiff jaw emphatically in the air to be more professional. "Come on, now, leaky face. You've got a job to do—actually more than me. All I gotta do is stay standing, say some words, and remember how to sign my own name. But you also have to take photos, and I expect them to be at least a little in focus." He reached over to the table where the old polaroid camera was waiting and slung the strap over Elif's shoulder like he was giving her the most serious of responsibilities. "We got this. I think." He nodded firmly, speaking his confidence into existence.

@nicocastillo

"Hey, you," Elif slide beside Nico, giving his sleeve the smallest of tugs as she beamed up at him. If someone had told her years ago, that the wolf who had caught her red handed would have become the closest thing she had to family, she likely wouldn't have believed it. But, here they were now. All grown up and her best friend in the whole wide world was getting married. The tears were already starting to brim around her eyes as she looked him up and down. Not a spec of dirt insight. While, she, herself, had spent way more money than she likely should have on a suit to not seem out of place as their court house witness. "Mmh," She blinked over at him, trying her best to blink back the tears as she told him, "I can't believe you're really doing it. You're about to be all grown up. You better not forget about me when you up and leave Neverland, got it buddy?" She warned him, narrowing her eyes over at the other wolf and giving his arm a small fist bump before she pulled him in for the biggest hug she could muster. "But, thank you. For letting me be the witness? I know you've always had a number of other people in your life, but you really are all I have and I don't know-" She found herself choking up as she took the smallest step back. Waiving her hands in front of her face as if fanning herself would stop the tears from running. "My face keeps leaking. But, I promise, I'm just really happy for you," She admitted, dabbing her cheeks with the hem of the white collared shirt she was wearing that likely wouldn't make it through the rest of the night.