#ft. elif karadaş

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected. For a moment, when she changed and stood on two legs again, her skin streaked with dirt but standing tall, he could see the rage in her eyes and felt hopeful. Defiance at least meant there was still some fight left in her. 

It still hurt, though. He felt like a bully, felt like the bad guy. Hearing her say the word trophy as though he'd meant it was true, as though he thought it was worth believing, he lost what little was left of his patience.

“Damien was WRONG,” he snapped back, voice lowered to a snarl. “And he’s dead. Believe that’s what you are, I’m sure his ghost will fucking love that.”

He stopped in front of her, meeting her furious gaze with his own, but found himself faltering. The anger released him, just slightly, and exhaustion swept in to fill the space. Every deep bruise left from the fight radiated beneath his skin, against his joints. He didn't feel healed, no matter what showed on the outside.

“But it’s not true. You aren’t a trophy, and you’re not the cause of all those bad things you think are your fault, Elif. You’re just a person, you’ve got the ability to do good and to help and to hurt—like me, like anyone.” 

Loyalty was a cop out. Nico knew that, he’d known it for a while. A cheap, easy way to keep from actually making choices. And he didn't want it, anymore, especially not from Elif. All the talk of family, of dedication, of pack. Maybe it had held them together out in the world where every day had felt like a risk, and that made the easy choice align with the right choice. But here, she had options. Better ones, probably. He didn't want anyone standing beside him through thick and thin, he wanted them to choose for themselves, not just follow his lead—especially if he was leading the wrong way. 

He didn’t want it—but he couldn’t bring himself to be the one to cut the ties between them. It would be easier if she did it, called him an asshole and said she never wanted to see him again, or better yet, made sure he was the bad guy. He wished he could lie to her face, just push them both over the edge and be done with it.

But he couldn't. Nico felt worn to the bone. It was too much. His voice lowered. “I’ll always be here to fight anyone who thinks you’re less than you are.” His shoulders dropped in resignation. “Even if that person is you.” 

He sat on the steps, heavily, and let himself continue speaking, almost to himself. "You aren’t just my family, you’re my hero. Always have been. I know you probably don’t see it.” For years, she’d been taking care of herself. Putting herself through classes, finding company and companionship when she wanted to, defying the odds and staying alive, living fully. Jumping when she had to jump, wearing a wild grin when she'd land, whether it was with people or out of bad situations, or just for the hell of it. And Nico had found courage in that. He didn’t think she needed protection, he thought—he knew—that given time, she’d find a way to protect herself. 

“You take care of yourself. You do. Or else why try to steal from Saskia? Why run from Damien, and try to arm yourself? Why come here, the second time? Not for me, I didn’t need you here in this death trap of a town with me—I didn’t even want to be here myself. You came here for you." He’d seen the scar on her arm, something a weapon would’ve left, probably silver, definitely a wound and one he didn't ask about, for all the guilt it brought raining down on him. "I will always be glad you came. Always. But I can't stand to see you acting like someone else has to lift you up or you'll die there, it's not right. That's not the you I know."

Looking up to her, from where he sat, he added, quietly, "I'm sorry I took your fight from you without asking. I was afraid of what he'd do if I didn't stop him right away. And he really should’ve killed me. I knew it, during the fight. He had me dead to rights, I was wounded, he was bigger, stronger. He didn’t have the distraction of worrying about his pack. He was going to win. Until I thought about who I was fighting for.” Nico felt another stab of grief, less potent and more bearable, the way he knew it’d feel for the rest of his life. An echo of loss. 

He shook his head. “You weren't the only reason I fought him. But you're a big part of the reason I won, and survived at all. You could pull joy from a stone, Elif, and I know you won’t give up on yourself, not because you're selfish, but because you're strong. I don't know what good a trophy would do. But you can do whatever you decide to."

Of all the ways she thought the world could wound her, she never thought it would be him. Each word landed like a killing blow. Her body visibly flinching as he actively sought out to hurt. His voice repeating in her head on a loop. You think everything that happened was because of you? You were a trophy for him, Elif. Not a reason, not a cause. Just a fucking object. How stupid was she to believe that she could be anything other than completely and utterly insignificant?

She told him she could never hate him and when she had said it, she truly had believed it and yet, in that moment all she could feel was an overwhelming and soul crushing surge of rage. A snarl coiled in her throat. Her muscles bunched as if she could tear him apart with her teeth alone. He had never been on the receiving end of her anger. He had never even had her raise her voice at him. Why would he? Her best friend. The only person in the entire world she could count on. It didn't matter if she would have handled things different or if she might have disagreed with a choice he made. Because he was Nico. Wrong or right? It didn't matter. She would go to the ends of the earth defending him and she thought he'd do the same for her. But, he didn't leave town for her. He left with her and, if she had never shown up, watch he would have left anyway. Because the truth was she was inconsequential. Not a cause, not a reason. Something to be taken, owned, passed between hands, fought over like a prize. Not a person. Not someone who mattered.

Almost as quickly as it came, the anger crumbled beneath the weight of something worse. A hollowed-out grief, raw and aching, like something inside her had been cut open and left to rot. Elif's ears flattened against her skull under the crushing realization of how truly unimportant she was. Here, she had eagerly given every piece of herself away, not bothering to leave anything for her own keeping and for what? For this? For the knowledge that even he, even the one person she held above all others, had seen right through her this whole time? That everyone probably saw it too?

She had always known deep down that all she was good at was being a pretty little thing. A source of entertainment. Good in bed and nothing else. She couldn't hold a job. It wasn't as if she had many passions of her own or hobbies outside of sports and she hadn't played, truly since college. Back when her entire team had been terrified of her. She didn't have lasting relationships. She didn't even really have friends outside of him. She had people she slept with, but from the stale bagels she'd receive in the morning as a form of 'payment' to the way she would be cut off with kisses the moment she started to talk about herself, she was fairly certain of her place in them. She was a nothing. A nobody. A laughing stock and an idiot who had no purpose in the world. And here she thought she had stuck around town because she was a coward who had been too afraid to face the world alone after being shot in the arm by a fucking hunter, but apparently being coward was just another thing on the long list of what she couldn't do right.

You left first.

Bad friend? check. Deserter? check. Selfish? check. What next?

And now you get to scream, and howl, and run away. And I get to pick up the bodies, and help the injured, and take my unconscious wife to the hospital.

So, that's what he saw this as. A tantrum she was throwing. An inconvenience. A burden.

If you really believe you're at fault for all of it, then why aren't you taking responsibility. Why aren't you doing something about it? You could help the people you think you've hurt, instead of just laying there in the dirt.

Elif’s chest rose and fell, too sharp, too fast. The growl had died in her throat, replaced by something silent, something shattered. Her body swayed, unsteady, her limbs trembling in a way that had nothing to do with exhaustion and everything to do with the way the world had just tilted beneath her feet. She had spent her whole life believing in him. And he had destroyed her with a few simple words.

The last thing she wanted to do was shift back. Every bone in her body screamed for her to stay as a wolf, to turn on her heels and leave Nico in the dust and keep running until her muscles burned and her lungs ached. Until she found the deepest and darkest part of the woods where no one would ever find her again. She wanted to stay a wolf until she forgot what it felt like to be anything else, until she got stuck this way and never had to bear the weight of being human again. But she forced herself to move. She pushed herself up from the dirt he had practically implied she had been lazily laying in and shifted.

The transition came in a rush of agony. Her bones snapped and twisted. Every nerve in her body caught with the familiar sensation of fire and yet the pain was oddly comforting, drowning out the deeper ache he had just carved into her chest and when she finally stood before him once more, as a human, her piercing gaze was unwavering. Her eyes, red-rimmed and raw from everything she had spilled in her grief, burned into him. She could barely see past the blur of her own exhaustion, could barely think past the numbness setting in, but she still found her voice—hoarse, broken, but sharp enough to cut.

If you really believe you're at fault for all of it, then why aren't you taking responsibility. Why aren't you doing something about it?

"What good would a trophy do?"

She threw his own words back at him, her voice an echo of everything he had just shattered.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

Nico wiped his own eyes, chuckling through the flurry of emotions that was circling around and through him. "Oh, well if tiktok says—" He swiftly raised his hands and pulled away from Elif, alarmed and defensive. "I'll cry on my own, I promise! Don't sauce me, you menace, I'm not a hot wing." But he returned the hug just as tightly when his friend buried herself in his arms again. "Hey—come here. Is this just from me getting married?" He drew back a little to fix Elif in his sights more firmly, chin tilted with concern. "You know you can tell me, if there's more to it than that. If the camera's confusing? I get it. It took me like five pictures of my shoes to figure it out, you're not alone." He was fairly sure that if there was anything else bothering her, it probably wasn't polaroid-related, but still.

"I can't help it," She choked up, trying to no avail to hold back her tears. "I'm just so happy for you," She sniffled. Pulling the hanky she had tucked away in her blazer pocket in an attempt to dress her suit up a bit, she full on blubbered into it. Blowing her nose, before she lifted her head back up to look at her best friend. "Too bad! She should know what she's getting herself into marrying into this family," She reasoned as she let out another little sniffle. "And you should cry. Brides apparently like it when you cry. If tiktok has anything to say about it, if you don't cry, she might turn right around and walk away until you do. You can tear up on your own, right? Because if not, I'm sure if we dab a little hot sauce into your eyes, you'll be bawling like a baby in no time. And you did drag me into a town death trap, didn't you?" She mumbled out. The corner of her lips tilting up all the same as she pulled him in for a tight hug. "You better not or Jas and I are going to have some words. Only a little, right?" She asked, not wanting to do a bad job at taking photos, but also knowing that she might get tears all over the polaroid when she tried. "Okay, okay. We've got this," She said, giving him a little nod, before she shook her head once more. "On second thought, we don't got this."

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

"Hey, hey, hey—" He caught Elif on reflex, returning the hug even as he picked up on the panic in her voice. Words spilled out in a rush and he focused on staying upright as she clung to him like a very distressed but extremely buff koala. "I thought I saw the Reeds when all hell broke loose, yeah," he murmured under her onslaught of information, feeling numb as fear constricted his heart. This was the first confirmation he'd gotten that Jas had fallen into whatever this was, too. Absorbing that, he almost missed the mention of an injured human, his brain skipping right to the next item before swiftly rewinding to catch it. Still locked in the hug, he nodded into her shoulder. He managed to get some air as she pulled back, and took a moment to hold her shoulders and look her in the eye. "I'm so damn proud of you, Eli. You're brilliant, and so brave, and I don't even need to know what happened to know that you've got nothing to be ashamed of, okay? And we will find Batman's toilet, I promise." He had no idea what she'd meant by that, but his conviction didn't waver. "After we're done saving lives." He reached for his med bag. "Lead the way."

@nicocastillo

"Nico-" Her voice choked up on his name. She barely got the word out as her feet carried her forwards. Flinging her arms around her best friend, she pulling the other wolf in, giving him the tightest squeeze imaginable as she felt herself breaking down. She had been doing as well of a job as she could holding it together after the night she had just had, but the moment she had caught sight of him and saw that he was safe, something took over her. She practically feel her eyes tearing up in relief as she refused to let him go from the hug. "Jas- Jas is under whatever the hell this is. All of the Reeds are and, and, I tried to help get as many people to safety as I could, but- I couldn't stop all of it. There's a human a few blocks away whose loosing a lot of blood and I lost the batman toilet seat and felt slut shamed and I'm just so glad you're okay. Today sucks. But," She cleared her throat, finally pulling back just enough to ask him, "Do you have your paramedic bag on hand, because if so I could really use your help. I can show you the way?"

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

Nico could tell from looking at her that she'd probably gone without any proper care for herself since the dance. And that just threw it all into stark relief, every jagged detail hanging off her expression, coming at him as if to say, you let this happen. And we will never be alright again.

And he could see his own hypocrisy, could hear it in his thoughts, but he couldn't be anything but incredulous as she began to list off the things that she thought had been done for her, because of her. The reality, he knew, was that it was bigger than either of them, but that was too hard to reach.

"Are you serious?" He scoffed, and pushed himself up to his feet, looking down at the wolf on the ground. "You think everything that happened was because of you? Like Damien didn't show up with an entire pack, ready for the challenge and ready to cause as much damage as he could—you think that it was all for you?"

Something sparked, in his chest, like electricity from a worn down wire. And he could feel it run through him. "You were a trophy for him, Elif. Not a reason, not a cause. And when he had you, he was going to reach for the next thing he could take, and the next, and the next, until someone stopped him." She deserved so much better, and he would never regret killing Damien, for that alone. Trap or no trap, Nico would've done the same no matter the circumstance.

"I didn't leave town for you. I left with you. You didn't rope me into anything, I chose you—like Kitty chose. Because she cared." His composure broke, and he turned away from her small form collapsed in the front yard. "She cared, more than she should've—" His breath heaved and the world spun, gripping onto the banister of the porch until it splintered under his claws.

I miss you too—

He wanted to focus on that, to stay with that and ignore all the rest, but his head whipped around to face her when—

"You were right there?" He stared, unable to believe what he was hearing. "You walked out to go and meet him, Elif." Nico's voice shook. "He sent for you and you left to meet him. Alone. And you said nothing to me, or to anyone else—not even a heads up." Running out and seeing her there, trying to pull her hand from Damien's grip, was one of the most terrifying moment of his recent memory. And it had been completely fucking avoidable. "Don't talk to me about making decisions alone. You left first."

He shook his head, voice sharpening. He wasn't going to let her waste away in her guilt, not like this. Even if he had to say things he didn't want to say, if he had to drive the point home in a way that hurt, he would do that before he let her stay like this. "And now you get to scream, and howl, and run away. And I get to pick up the bodies, and help the injured, and take my unconscious wife to the hospital." His voice was too cold, it didn't sound like his, but it felt like it still. "If you really believe you're at fault for all of it, then why aren't you taking responsibility. Why aren't you doing something about it? You could help the people you think you've hurt, instead of just laying there in the dirt."

"I'm angry, too. I'm so angry I can't fucking breathe, I'm choking on it. But I need you." He strode down the steps, looking down at her, accusing and challenging and hurting. "And I need you to get up."

The wolf let out a small, exasperated huff, its ears twitching as it reluctantly shifted its head. Slowly, almost dramatically, it tilted its snout back around. Her bright unnaturally blue eyes flicked toward Nico before letting her head drop onto its folded paws with a soft thump. She lingered there for a beat, as if savoring the weight of her own sulk, before finally, with a sluggish sort of resignation, she dragged herself around to face them fully. Every movement screamed reluctance, yet there was a quiet softness in her gaze as her eyes met his.

No. I'm not going to freaking bite you.

A low, rumbling growl rolled from her chest. Her ears flattening as her sharp gaze locked onto the scar marring the human’s cheek. The wolf's lips curled ever so slightly, hackles bristling with barely restrained anger—not just at the sight of the wound but at the words that followed.

You're so dramatic. I could never hate you. But, I am mad at you. So go.

The wolf's tail flicked sharply, frustration evident in the way her claws scarped against the ground. She had never been mad at Nico in her entire life. Not once, until now, and it wasn't a feeling she liked. She didn't want to feel this way and, if he stayed, she had a feeling she'd only end up regretting what she'd say.

It wasn't your fight! He wasn't your problem. He was mine and now Kitty is dead because I didn't leave town and you were the one who had to finish him off. siktir (fuck!), She growled. Her eyes quickly adverted from his as she moved to scratch at the dirt some more, before she let out a low howl. You killed him because of me. Kitty's dead because of me. The witch got bite because of me. The human mauled because of me. Do you understand? Another visceral growl escaped her lips. Damien found me and I roped you in to it. I've been roping you into from the day we first met and, if we hadn't, you might not have ever left and- She tried her best to shove down her thoughts, but they both knew what the end of the statement was going to be. How his mother might still be alive.

It wasn't your fight and you didn't even talk to me before you accepted the challenge. What if you had been walking into a trap? What if he had fucking won?! She growled again. I get you're the alpha. But, you're my family! You're all I've got.

The wolf’s chest heaved, the fire of anger still burning hot in her veins, but it was quickly drowned by the sting of something deeper. Something raw. Her breath hitched, and despite the fury curling through her, her eyes began to well with unshed tears. She squeezed them shut, as if that alone could stop the ache clawing at her heart, but it was no use. A strangled whimper slipped past her throat before her legs buckled, sending her collapsing onto the ground in a trembling heap.

I miss you too, but you cut me out of my fight and-

Her claws dug into the dirt, shoulders shaking as she tried to swallow the storm inside her as she thought back to how she was dragged, kicking and screaming from Kitty's lifeless form.

Just because you're the alpha, doesn't mean you have to make every decision alone. I was right there.

Utterly helpless having to stick to the sidelines as the only person in the world she cared about had their face clawed at on her behalf and, now, every time she looked at Nico she'd know that how that scar should have been hers or how she could have stopped all of this, if she had only been a little less selfish.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

When he'd gone to look for her afterwards, he'd only caught stray scents around the Wayward house. Enough to confirm she'd been there, and, judging from the fact that she hadn't sought him out, enough to confirm she didn't want to see him.

But he still flinched away when he heard it in her thoughts, and sank down to sit on the front steps, several paces away from her. "Or what, Elif? You'll bite me?" he asked aloud, without much intonation. He kept his thoughts and feelings carefully masked from her on the Pack bond, not allowing his own emotions to intrude on her. "Go ahead." The bandages had been removed from the right side of his face earlier that week, but the scars there were still angry and red, healing slow enough that he had to wonder if there wasn't a psychological component to it, his body refusing to completely erase the evidence of what he'd done.

He folded his hands on his knees, staring at the sharp edges of his claws rather than at her. "Look, you can hate me. I deserve that. You can leave the Pack, you can leave the town if you want, shut everything out, run free. You deserve that, if it's what you want. But if you do..."

His voice dropped to a torn whisper, and he sunk his face into his shaking hands, mindless in pain as his emotions broke through. "I know it's not fair, it's... too much. But I... I need you here, I'm not asking you to do anything, or to be okay..." He'd let her down, let Kitty down. He hadn't been strong enough, he'd made the wrong calls. Jonah got hurt. Rohan got bitten. And Kitty had died. "It's just that... everything hurts, so much. And I miss you." But when he looked at the wolf across from him, it was like she wasn't even there.

@nicocastillo

The small wolf lay motionless in the grass outside of the Castillo house. Her snout pressed into the damp earth. The scent of grass and dirt doing nothing to ground her. The raw, aching howls that had torn through her throat for hours had long since faded into nothing but a thin, broken whimper. Even that felt like too much effort now. She had no more sound left to give, no more fight, no more grief that could be voiced. It was all hollowed out inside of her, leaving only this unbearable absence.

She hadn’t moved in hours. She hadn’t eaten in days. The hunger gnawed at her, but she barely felt it anymore. What did it matter? What did any of it matter? When the sound of approaching footsteps disturbed the quiet, she didn’t lift her head. She already knew who it was. Nico. He’d been here before, hovering at the edges of her misery, waiting for her to come back to herself. But she wasn’t going to. Not now. Maybe not ever.

As he got closer, she finally moved—not to greet him, not to acknowledge him, but to turn away. Slowly, stiffly, she pulled herself to her feet, every limb trembling beneath the weight of exhaustion. For a moment, it looked like she might run. Like some distant, instinctual part of her wanted to flee. But she didn’t. Instead, she took a single, faltering step before collapsing back down into the grass, this time with her back to him. A silent dismissal. A refusal. She didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to hear whatever words he might have. He was her best friend and, any other day of her life, she would have sworn to hell and back that he could do no wrong. He was perfect. He was always right. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her and, yet, for the first time in her life, she found herself mad at him. Mad that he got hurt because of her. Mad that he accepted the challenge before she can even tell him that he might be falling into a trap. Damien had been her mess. Her problem. Not his. And not Kitty was dead and it was her fault and the last thing she needed to was to hear that it wasn't.

Go away Nico. Please.

[nicocastillo]

·✥·

"Hey you," he returned, in the same tone but more breathless. As she smiled up at him and began to tear up, then pulled him in for a hug, he buried his face against her shirt with equal feeling. "Stop it, you gotta stop..." He shook his head, smushed into her shoulder as he felt his own eyes tear up. "You cry, I'll start crying, Jas will get disgusted with us for being sappy for the whole thing and call it off because we're too pathetic to continue... I'm so glad you're here with me, Eli, even if I dragged you into a small town death trap to do it," he whispered, and gave her another squeeze for good measure. "I'm never leaving Neverland, are you kidding? I'm not growing up if you don't, I refuse. It'll take more than fancy suits and me getting married to change us, got it?" Wiping his own eyes he did his best to try and straighten out her shirt, and her hair, patting her shoulders and then putting his own stiff jaw emphatically in the air to be more professional. "Come on, now, leaky face. You've got a job to do—actually more than me. All I gotta do is stay standing, say some words, and remember how to sign my own name. But you also have to take photos, and I expect them to be at least a little in focus." He reached over to the table where the old polaroid camera was waiting and slung the strap over Elif's shoulder like he was giving her the most serious of responsibilities. "We got this. I think." He nodded firmly, speaking his confidence into existence.

@nicocastillo

"Hey, you," Elif slide beside Nico, giving his sleeve the smallest of tugs as she beamed up at him. If someone had told her years ago, that the wolf who had caught her red handed would have become the closest thing she had to family, she likely wouldn't have believed it. But, here they were now. All grown up and her best friend in the whole wide world was getting married. The tears were already starting to brim around her eyes as she looked him up and down. Not a spec of dirt insight. While, she, herself, had spent way more money than she likely should have on a suit to not seem out of place as their court house witness. "Mmh," She blinked over at him, trying her best to blink back the tears as she told him, "I can't believe you're really doing it. You're about to be all grown up. You better not forget about me when you up and leave Neverland, got it buddy?" She warned him, narrowing her eyes over at the other wolf and giving his arm a small fist bump before she pulled him in for the biggest hug she could muster. "But, thank you. For letting me be the witness? I know you've always had a number of other people in your life, but you really are all I have and I don't know-" She found herself choking up as she took the smallest step back. Waiving her hands in front of her face as if fanning herself would stop the tears from running. "My face keeps leaking. But, I promise, I'm just really happy for you," She admitted, dabbing her cheeks with the hem of the white collared shirt she was wearing that likely wouldn't make it through the rest of the night.