#fruit punch clown is a bitch

[writingoddess1125]

Hockey AU Buggy

Hockey Buggy x GNReader

Fluffy Fluff Romance

Well Damn I come back with a writers block so bad not even a shotgun to the ass could blow it out! Anywho watched some TV and got this idea! Enjoy 💕

• Ah the Big Top Hockey Team- The best of the worse in Hockey.

• The Famed Center Clown Star of the Rink- Buggy.

• The Nickname coming from both his personality and the bright red nose he got from rosacea/cold

• Buggy is a notorious asshole to everyone- His long blue hair often poking out his helmet like little tuffs- often making him look ridiculous.

• He chews on his bright red mouth guard constantly and it looks like a permanent red smile shifting over his face when he sits out or is waiting.

• He and his team are lazy- but dirty players. Being the first to break out in fights and first to fuck up a play.

• Wouldn't be the first time Buggy punches someone in the back of the head and gets sat out for retaliation

• Missing a Tooth after a bad scuffle with the Red Hair Team a few years back so wears a clip in tooth to cover it.

• You were the journalist for the Hockey division- new and having to sit at almost every game in your area. This being no different as you sit with your laptop on your lap typing everything down. Not noticing you caught a certain centers eye-

• Buggy slows down right infront of you- Looking you up and down as he gave a wicked grin-

• "Ay! Haven't seen you here before gorgeous" Buggy chimes in, making you raise a brow at the man.

• "You're in a active game?-" You point out, gesturing to his team and the opposing team behind him currently fighting on the Rink while the poor ref tries to break it up.

• "They can wait- Your phone number however cant" He said with a grin- You laughing at his antics and shake your head.

• "Well, Seems like you're gonna have to wait- Cause you ain't getting it" You wink- Seeing his face freeze in both shock and interest at yohr rejection.

• Oh it Was On!

• Everytime you were at a game, so was Buggy. Either playing or not he would show up and shoot his shot at you.

• Each time you'd reject him. Some days he took it like a champ and others he would throw a bitch fit.

• However he didn't quit- even after a solid year he hadn't stopped. While you rejected him romantically it didn't mean you hadn't become good friends with him and his team.

• "I swear to God I'd be so good to you" He said, leaned against the wall. Dressed in his gear as his game was starting up soon. You smirk at this, not used to a more Eros form of remark.

• "Oh? Switching up the flirting Clown Boy?" You mused. However looking in his eyes you don't see lust like all the times before- No this was different.

• "I'd rub your feet good, Cook you dinner- make you fruit covered in chocolate. Just let me shoot my shot (Y/N) I promise"

• You stare at him surprised- A feeling of warmth hitting your face. "G-Go play. Your game is soon"

• He nods accepting what he felt was another rejection as he headed off to the rink.. Your heart seemingly skipping some beats.

• "I need your quote from the last game" You say, Seated in a Cafe so you could interview Buggy. However he was being difficult and turned facing away from you in the chair. "Which would be easier if you turned to face me"

• "Don't know about that- If I face you I may blow a hole through the table-" He deadpanned which made your eyes roll.

• "Well try-"

• "Alright but you look like that so don't be surprised if I look like I wanna be underneath you" He said with a smile, turning in his seat to take you in fully. A bright smile on his face-

• "Wow-" He said like he was blown away by you. "Quote- Now" You emphasize not wanting to fall into his new attempt at you.

• "I'll Honor you to the day I die- I Swear.. And you can quote that" He said with a bright smile, Winking at you and staring with only love in his eye.

• This continued for a week- And in truth your resolve was starting to break. It wasn't just flirting anymore but true interest in you and desire.

• It was getting harder and harder to reject him.. Maybe you liked his red nose, his blue hair or the way he giggled.

• However it wasn't till the first game of the new season that things changed. He had come to you with roses this time and his jersey.

• This was the most that people had ever showed up for a Big Top Game and it showed by how clean the team seemed for once. Including Buggy-

• His hair in a ponytail as he held the items out to you, stopping the flow of his team going on the Rink just for this.

• "Buggy what are you-" He cut you off with a desperate look in his eyes.

• "One chance- Give me a Moment and I swear, I'll make it last a lifetime"

• You stare at him, smiling as held put the jersey to you and flowers to you. A grin on his face as you shake your head with a chuckle, taking the gifts from him.

• His face lit up like you'd given him a million dollars and a blow job.

• "You get one moment- Make it count"

• That night you'd seen he had actually tried- putting out the best plays you'd ever seen and winning the game that night for the first time.

• The whole time he was staring at you as well

• Seemed all he really needed was that chance-

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

@fruit-punch-clown :3

Tw/Cw for mentions of abuse

《~~~~~》

He didn't remember the last time him and Kijo were in love. He didn't remember the first and last time Kijo ever said that he loved him back. All their relationship was was just Kijo wanted to fuck him, fuck him until Takaaki couldn't even think or form words.

That's all he was.

Not his loving husband who has loved and adored him until the ends of the Earth. Through all the misery. His pain. His abuse. He loved this man. But now he was tired. Takaaki was tired. He couldn't stand his face. His voice. How his hands felt against him. Those pretty words that were all lies.

Takaaki was tired.

And he left.

Takaaki left, no bags, no money, nothing. He just left. Out in the rain, storming off as his sons, Kijo and some of the staff of their home called after him. He could hear Kiyotaka crying for him to not leave, Byakuya's yells to return and Kijo's demands. They fell deaf upon his ears as he left. Cold and angry.

He felt tears in his eyes as he listened to his children scream for him to not leave. He couldn't go back to him. Not to Kijo. Not now. Not ever. He didn't know how far he'd gotten since he left. His entire uniform was wet, the cool breeze making him shiver.

God, he needed a cigarette. If only he didn't leave his lighter during his rush out the mansion. He couldn't call anyone. He was miles away from anyone he knew. It was a long walk. God, he was tired.

He could still hear, in his mind, the screams of his children. Them begging for him not to go.

He needed to go back.

For his boys.

His...his children.

Not right now. No. He couldn't go back now.

He needed to find someplace to stay for the night. He just needed to be by himself.

He found himself in the city, bustling with people. All having umbrellas and such while Takaaki didn't. Looking out of place. He looked so broken in the rain. He soon saw a fancy looking car drive behind him and a few people. His walking pace sped up. Not now you bitch. Not right now.

In a weird moment of habit, he put his hand inside his coat, feeling for his holster that still had his gun. What was he going to do with it? He didn't know.

He shouldn't be so around people. Too many people for his liking. Too many people to see him. What he was running from. Anyone with a brain could easily tell who he was just by seeing him. Kijo would also hate for anyone to see him around Takaaki. If Takaaki was going to be confronted by him, he'd want some place less crowded.

He walked faster.

He thought of what he'd even say if that really was Kijo. He really hoped not. He hoped for Aloysius. The man would be a better sight then his own husband.

By the time Takaaki couldn't see anymore people, he stopped walking. The rain was now at a light drizzle. He sighed when he heard the car stop. A door opening and footsteps. "Takaaki." Kijo started. Takaaki didn't know what made him even stop. He continued his walk. "Takaaki! Get in the car now!" Kijo demanded.

Takaaki didn't answer.

Kijo grabbed his wrist.

Takaaki pointed his gun. "I'm not going back, especially with you." Takaaki said, glaring at the man. "I need to have a moment to myself." Takaaki said, pulling away. "Jesus, Takaaki, at least be reasonable. Pulling a gun on me is idiotic for you." Kijo said as he tried to take it from him. Takaaki put both hands on it, holding it firmly in his grasp. "Don't touch it." He said as he gently tapped the trigger.

"You're acting irrationally!" Kijo said, anger in his tone.

"You followed me!" Takaaki countered.

"I followed you because I want you to go home! With me. To our kids." Kijo's tone softened. His hands were gently placed on Takaaki's. "I want you to come back to me. I am your husband, I'd fall apart without you."

"You...you don't need me. You never loved me. You've never said it. Not to me. Not to all those women you've fucked behind my back! I'm tired, Kijo." Takaaki's face was so full of hatred. "I'm tired of running back to you. I'm tired of being your play thing. I'm done." Takaaki sighed.

"Just...just leave me alone. Just for the night." Takaaki lowered his gun as he gently spoke. His voice shaking.

Kijo held his face, making him feel warm.

"Takaaki, please. Come back home." Kijo pleaded. Takaaki shook his head, leaning into the touch. "Not now." He whispered.

Kijo kissed him. "Please," another kiss, "Please."

"Why?"

"Because...I love you, Takaaki. You're my husband. I married you for that reason. Not just our children." Kijo kissed his nose. "Will you come home with me?" He asked.

Kijo was such a bad liar.

Yet Takaaki found himself back in his arms. Falling for him again with each delicate kiss. He was so tired. But he did want to go home. His husband was home. His children was home. They were his. Takaaki placed his head on Kijo's shoulder, hand to his chest. "I love you, too." He murmured.

Why did he love him so much? The man who's beaten, used him, cheated on him over and over, never once caring for their children. Yet he still found himself crawling right back. Back into his lover's tight hold on him. It was suffocating.

Takaaki loved him.

[quinloki]

Here is the last one of my ladies :3

Name: Anouk

Nickname(s): diamond, dove

Height: 7,5" / 2,26m

Age: 40 (after time-skip)

Infos:

- is a star accountant (and business woman)

- highly intelligent

- has either her resting bitch face or looks angry, rarely shows other emotions

- has a short fuse when dealing with idiots

- absolutely detests clowns

- doesn't eat fish and most seafood

- loves a good wine or cognac

Devil fruit (yes?/no?): [redacted]

-> Devil fruit type: [redacted]

-> extra infos about devil powers: [redacted]

(often stares at the ocean, lost in thought, but never goes swimming, it's suspicious)

Occupation: civilian but works for pirates / the Cross Guild

Bounty (yes?/no?): no

Bounty amount: no bounty

Fighting: doesn't fight, although very often inclined to punch buggy (once kicked him in his balls)

Shipping (yes?/no?): yes

-> Shipping with whom: Mihawk and Sir Crocodile

-> kind of ship: casual - superiors and subordinate with benefits

Backstory (bullet points):

- knows Sir Crocodile for around 6 - 7 years

- has worked for some underworld bosses, like Doflamingo and Gild Tesoro, she ended her business relationship with both of them on good terms, though both are too strange for her liking

- has also worked for Sir Crocodile for a few years, he's the only person she ever really liked to work for, because he listened to her input

- they parted ways around half a year before he got defeated by Luffy (she hated the heat of Alabasta and got a very good offer)

- Crocodile is the only one she offered to come back to work for

I don't have much to add, but I do like the vibes on this one XD

[anon-germany]

Number 9

Name: Anouk

Nickname(s): diamond, dove

Height: 7,5" / 2,26m

Age: 40 (after time-skip)

Infos:

- is a star accountant (and business woman)

- highly intelligent

- has either her resting bitch face or looks angry, rarely shows other emotions

- has a short fuse when dealing with idiots

- absolutely detests clowns

- doesn't eat fish and most seafood

- loves a good wine or cognac

Devil fruit (yes?/no?): [redacted]

-> Devil fruit type: [redacted]

-> extra infos about devil powers: [redacted]

(often stares at the ocean, lost in thought, but never goes swimming, it's suspicious)

Occupation: civilian but works for pirates / the Cross Guild

Bounty (yes?/no?): no

Bounty amount: no bounty

Fighting: doesn't fight, although very often inclined to punch Buggy (once kicked him in his balls)

Shipping (yes?/no?): yes

-> Shipping with whom: Mihawk and Sir Crocodile

-> kind of ship: casual - superiors and subordinate with benefits

Backstory (bullet points):

- knows Sir Crocodile for around 6 - 7 years

- has worked for some underworld bosses, like Doflamingo and Gild Tesoro, she ended her business relationship with both of them on good terms, though both are too strange for her liking

- has also worked for Sir Crocodile for a few years, he's the only person she ever really liked to work for, because he listened to her input

- they parted ways around half a year before he got defeated by Luffy (she hated the heat of Alabasta and got a very good offer)

- Crocodile is the only one she offered to come back to work for

"Special" outfits:

work and *showing her tattos*

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Okay, thoughts on the first few episodes—

First of all, the theme song slaps. I’d already listened to it before, but the visuals make it so much better.

I KNOW IT’S HOW LUFFY IS INTRODUCED, BUT WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK WOULD YOU PUNCH A BARREL TO GET THE MEAD OR WHATEVER OUT INSTEAD OF, OH I DON’T KNOW, USING THE FUCKING CORK???

Also, pretty bold of them to wait until HALFWAY into the first episode to introduce the main character. But god, was it worth the wait.

And one of the first things he says after hearing Coby talk about the fact he was kidnapped into becoming an errand boy? (According to the dub) Saying he was STUPID, a WIMP, and that he HATED him, while stuffing his face with fantasy fruit number #12. Honestly, work.

I thought Alvida was the weirdest character design that I’d see for a while, but I was so, so wrong. Pretty much every pirate looks like they shopped at a T.J Maxx while colorblind, and that God made their bodies only to spite them.

The way they introduced Zorro is so badass, I can see why people are so into him. He ate an onigiri that a little girl made AFTER it had been stepped on. AND SAID IT WAS DELICIOUS.

Also, Luffy going from hating Coby’s whiny ass to helping him get into the navy is the character development of the century.

OH MY GOD WE’RE ABOUT TO SEE THE CLOWN.

OH CHRIST HE’S FUCKING HOT!!!!

They also did NOT have to tear out our hearts with the dog in front of his late owner’s shop. I pray he shows up again at some point. Fucking jacked and ready for revenge, I hope.

I get why the animal tamer looks weird, BUT WHY THE FUCK DOES THE MAYOR LOOK LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO GO TO WAR IN MONGOLIA????

God, I’m in for a fucking ride already and it’s not even the first ten episodes. Luffy has fucking smited three (and probably Buggy too) powerful villains, and he has gained two people for his crew. That bitch is on his way to becoming Pirate King.

Okay, I am taking on the great undertaking of watching One Piece despite the fact it has about a million episodes.

Wish me luck.

[archvillain]

Low hanging fruit! Low hanging fruit! Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Vexen Kingdomhearts and/or Fray FFXIV 👀

let's GET those fruits... with bonus fray! this is a long one haha

mayuri kurotsuchi is like crack cocaine to me

they are so cool looking!: i think this opinion is generally shared by mayuri likers everywhere. this guy is so fashion

everyone but me is wrong about them <3: reading mayuri fic is like drinking toxic slutch. i get irrationally angry when people make him a shrinking violet... there's a lot of weird takes in the world about this guy! the amount of fix-it-fic like "mayuri is a good father and cares about things" is enough to blow your liver clean out of your body... but even the more "on-canon" interps can be out of left field for me. it's like we're all taking different 5-second clips of this guy to expand on. never rp your blorbos, it makes it personal

wasted potential: i think mayuri would've been an excellent continuing villain. he's got his most punch right in the start, and then as he becomes the clown king of kubo's dreams, his edge softens up. i packbonded with him INSTANTLY when he just pulled a wallet-sized pic of this dude's DEAD GRANDPA out... like he just keeps that shit ON him like CONDOMS!!!

they're like a blorbo to me/im mentally ill about them: :0)

i like them enough to project my own issues onto them: TRANS MAYURI TRANS MAYURI TRANS MAYURI. what could be more trans than painting yourself head to toe in drag and having marilyn manson in a little red dress as your theme song

wow! they are a horrible person: this is such a non-take that i forgot to include it the first time and had to edit it back in -_-

didnt get enough screen time: this is a problem for me and me alone but i started watching bleach FOR mayuri at some point and boy was i disappointed when he stopped showing up. and like no interactions with kisuke after it's revealed they knew each other... for shame

they've never done anything wrong in their life <33: mayuri has never done an action i would not GO TO COURT to defend. permissible action only here, boys. this one's certifiable. jokes aside, i feel like even his scenery chewing is exciting and warranted... never did i ever go "damn this bitch annoying, get off the screen" im obsessed.

vexen is kind of a complicated one for me but i love him dearly

everyone but me is wrong about them/nothing i like about them is technically canon/they are a horrible person: SINCE i have been a vexen stan since i was a fucking baby, what he means to me is a little all over the place... times were different when chain of memories was the only canon data. i had interpreted him as this kind of researcher who had gone to the edge & beyond, risking the lives of everyone around him as he and his fellow researchers INTENTIONALLY took their own lives for the sake of the darkness machine by throwing themselves into it. this was a bomb ass interp! this was how the research logs of COM/1 made it sound!! i was obsessed!!!!... this was before ddd & 3 revealed Other Things To Be True. :/ honestly, i prefer the original interp. i think it makes him way more interesting than what he is in canon: a flaky masterless coward who believes strongly in almost nothing but his work, and even then, can you really say you believe in your work THAT strongly if you have to be forced to throw your heart away???

wasted potential/didn't get enough screen time: see above! SEE ABOVE! but also, i just think most of the org has wasted potential. i go between "let them die" and "give them their own stories" on the daily

they're like a blorbo to me: squeakietoywheeze.mp3 in spite of all that i still love him, i want to brush his hair like a my little pony doll

they got done DIRTY by fans: you could not pay me to read vexen fic <- this is a lie, i read omegaverse vexen fic to my loving husband on the regular. but forreal, interps of vexen range from chucklefucks going "let him die in a fire for the sin of being ugly" to the wildest shit on this green earth. i know he's kind of a blank slate as far as characterization goes but BLEASE

if they were real i would marry them/im mentally ill about them/i want to carry them in a handbag like a tiny dog: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH let fray propose to me in game let me marry him im going to KISS that CORPSE im fishing him out of the river to put him in a wedding dress!!!!!

they work better as part of a dynamic: wol/fray MAKES IT. AUGH. fray by himself is wonderful, but fray as a snark machine sexy ghost is (chef's kiss)

they've never done anything wrong in their life: the murders were justified, actually!

i don't really have much to say about them: it's pure love no hot takes for me. i love this guy. i haven't finished his story yet, also! which makes it hard to have srs opinions

[sinkix]

- What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Karasuno edition -

Obviously these aren’t meant to be taken too seriously lol. I’ll probably make this into a series at some point where I include the other teams idk this took me way too long to do JWIDJQENWKJQFN WE’LL SEE. ENJOY! <3

2D men are infinitely superior I said what I said.

Hinata: 

A sucker for motivational speeches or quotes and they always get you hyped up.

Very ambitious and positive despite frequently getting lost in life

Not as innocent as you seem but still a cinnamon roll lololol

You probably eat fruit as a regular snack n ppl judge you for it

Highkey a dumbass but in a very endearing way so people can’t help but like you

Summer is probs ur fave season

Definitely own several plushies and definitely get defensive about it

The friend people go to when they need cheering up.

You either go to bed at 8pm or 3am no in between.

Your texting style consists of several messages as opposed to one paragraph/sentence with the use of MANY emojis.

You 100% fuck with pineapple on pizza. 

Got your head stuck in a cat flap that one time.

Have a hella low alcohol tolerance or don’t drink at all.

Hella clueless when it comes to people flirting with you, they have to hold a neon sign in front of you for you to get the message

“Oh you were flirting with me?” “I was every day for 5 months but thanks for finally noticing”

Definition of a tab hoarder, your pc/laptop frequently crashes because it can’t handle that many but you refuse to get rid of any.

Always get toothpaste stains on your shirt no matter how careful you are.

“Wait we had homework???”

Nishinoya:

You often get random bursts of energy outta nowhere or at 2am and have no clue how to handle it 

You can’t help but head bang and scream the lyrics to your fav songs.

Probably have a hella diverse music taste.

Likely an active/outdoorsy person who either does sports or wants to.

Vvv loyal, type of friend you can call in the middle of the night and you’ll be there.

Chaotic good or Chaotic neutral.

You’re either one of the most responsible people in the room or one of the most fuckin chaotic and irresponsible lmao no in between it just depends on your mood.

Frequently pull all nighter’s and doesn’t even feel guilty about it

Chug soda like it’s water.

An extrovert or one of those introverts that are bat-shit once you actually get to know them.

You have zero shame, can and will run across the street stark naked for a cheeseburger and a can of sprite.

Like fuck yeah who wouldn’t for a burger and some sprite y’know??

Despite being a whirlwind you are actually a hella chill person to have as company.

You own a skateboard or want to.

Own at least one pair of converses or vans.

Probably have a bucket list or tons of future plans for travelling/adventures stored in your head.

You really want a dog and would call it something like Dexter or Human Destroyer 9000.

Likely have had several hair colour phases.

A slut for doritos.

You ate glue once as a kid and it was kinda okay and that fact still haunts you.

Tanaka:

Listen to rap more than any other genre and ur playlist is fire

Punched dry wall that one time

Probably have several piercings and plan on getting more

Prefer sports bras to regular ones.

Intimidates outsiders but your friends don’t take you seriously in the slightest lmaoaoaooa

Ppl find it hard to approach you but you’re actually super chill so you get sad 

Definition of that Kanye meme “before you talk to me” >:( “after you talk to me” :)

Probably don’t trust people easily

Type of person that once you’re challenged/dared to do something they WILL do it regardless of how stupid bc you hate being called a pussy.

Went through a phase where you only listened to Eminem.

Probably is/was the class clown or wished they were.

You have virtually no patience and a pretty short temper lmao.

You’re a go-getter and hate being told you can’t do something

Definitely snuck out the house several times as a teen.

Walks barefoot outside a lot bc fuck shoes lol

The pairs of shoes you do own are mostly worn down sneakers you refuse to swap out.

You’re that asshole that wears socks with holes in for the sport of it and it doesn’t phase you in the slightest. (dw I do too lmaooao)

Could probably bench press someone’s dad

Enjoy’s drinking coffee.

Kageyama:

Such a picky eater bitch god damn.

Usually hella hydrated and judge people that don’t drink enough water.

Eats spoonfuls of chocolate nesquik powder when no one is looking I said what I said

You like stoic and Tsundere guys who have the outer emotional capacity of a brick wall.

You’re probably the same in that sense and don’t enjoy letting people know what you’re thinking/feeling

Poker face 90% of the time

Type of person to pretend not to find a joke funny but then crumble and start crying with laughter.

Probs an introvert

Once when someone asked you what you wanted for Christmas you responded “to be left the fuck alone” and it still applies to this day.

like fr you just wanna be left alone man but ppl keep bothering you.

You HATE it when people tell you to smile and quite literally take it as an insult.

Your bedtime is 9pm and you stick by it religiously 

Always smell really good like damn what you got on??

The most you do with your hair if it’s long enough is throw it in a pony tail and call it a day.

Either have really nicely manicured nails or you’v chewed them down to the nub no in between.

You hate to admit it but you doubt yourself a lot and it really frustrates you.

Probably wet the bed a lot as a kid and you’re still salty about it.

lololol bed-wetter Kags lover

Audibly snorted typing that I’m sorry.

Probably had a ._. face reading that since ur usually hella unamused.

Cute awkward dork though behind that facade it’s just most people don’t see it.

So critical of yourself like chill

An earth sign or an Aquarius idc.

Do not know how to reciprocate a hug but desperately need one

When people flirt with you you somehow manage to make them intimidated with your responses and scare them off.

You called your teacher “mum/dad” once and you get Vietnam flashbacks to this day.

Daichi:

You probably have a daddy kink and lowkey daddy issues with it

Very supportive friend who has a lotta patience

Hella determined and humble.

Mostly wear black because it’s just much easier than colour coordinating and plus you just prefer the simplicity, but you’re pretty vibrant as a person.

The one who stays sober at parties to drive the others home.

Probably haven’t been in many relationships but still do enjoy romance.

seems stern but is actually very friendly and enjoy company bc you don’t like spending too much time by yourself.

Honestly just wants to chill out, go to bed and read a book.

A coffee connessieur but mostly just drinks instant bc ur too lazy to make it properly and just drink it black.

Very reliable.

Often get stuck with most of the work during group projects lololol

People frequently ask you for the answers to the homework/assignment and it really depends on your mood and how charitable you’re feeling as to whether you’ll lend it to them

Low-key a sadist.

100% Old soul

Despite this you are a fuckin dork and have quite an immature but really funny sense of humour.

You have a thigh kink. 

Def grew up reading wattpad smut and most of ur sexual knowledge stems from that

probably prefer manga to animated versions

Absolute pro at winged eyeliner and looks v good in it.

Probably give lectures even without realising it.

Shamelessly watches the nature channel for hours on end and what of it.

Honestly just done with everyone’s shit lmao

Sugawara:

Either are the mom friend or the one the mom friend has to look after.

You vibe with pastel colours

Your fav season is either spring or autumn.

oversized hoodies and knitted sweaters are your vibe.

Enjoy drinking herbal tea

Likes the smell of rain and will purposely step outside after a storm and S N O R T the smell of damp concrete. (srry if ur from some dry ass place like nevada lmao it rains alot in the UK soooOOOoO)

Quiet but have a really creative imagination and has one HELL of a loud voice when they’re pissed off

like,, I wouldn’t dare get on ur nerves ion want my ear drums bursting damn.

Hoards flavoured chapsticks and scented lip gloss

Either did or still have your Harry Potter house in your bio and it was probably Hufflepuff.

Gives people advice that they are fully aware also applies to themselves but doesn’t follow it LMAO.

Listens to K-pop and several Korean and Japanese genres.

Played a dating sim once and you enjoyed it but ur still ashamed and refuse to ever talk about it.

Smells like lavender or something hella floral

Probably reads a lot of Yaoi and no one else knows but you.

Would 100% own a chinchilla

Read Killing Stalking and it messed you up for weeks.

Asahi:

The one who was trying to flirt for months and the other person never got the hint

Probably a really pretty crier and vibe with the mascara running aesthetic.

You tear up easily lol.

Probably a water sign.

Low-key a bad bitch though 

Looks really good in red lipstick

That one person who’s v attractive but completely unaware and v insecure.

That one friend who seems so soft and innocent but can turn into a banshee when need be.

Crying is your therapy.

You overthink a LOT and it often stops you from achieving what you want.

Actually have a lot of willpower despite ur sensitivity.

Was def a pushover as a kid and still have a chip on your shoulder about it.

Hella artsy and day dreams a lot.

You attract broken souls and often get turned to when people’s problems need fixing yet you’re a total mess yourself

Listens to Girl in red while questioning your sexuality

which you do a lot.

You hate being put in a box or labelled.

Gave up on that hobby that one time and you really wanna get back into it.

Always have at least one hair tie on your wrist that’s basically an accessory at this point.

Own a phat ass fish tank with hella pretty fishes bro it’s such a vibe say hi to Nemo for me.

Yamaguchi:

Too scared to ask for extra ketchup packets so you get your friend to ask instead.

Probably have anxiety.

The time you stuttered once when introducing yourself frequently gives you cringe attacks.

Major animal lover and prefers them to people.

Talked to a tree once and it was a pretty cool experience.

Wear a lot of pink or cute colours and radiate babi energy.

Likely wear skirts 

Wear those aesthetic planets necklaces and your tumblr is filled with space related art and themes.

Enjoy staring up at the clouds and figuring out what animal they are.

Has a lot of secrets that they probably tell to their cat.

dw ur cat isn’t a snitch they got you covered.

“meow”

yeah they definitely didn’t just try to reveal ur deepest traumas to your cousin.

If you don’t have a cat you probably would want one and would call it Mittens or sumn.

You’re whipped for freckles and anyone that has them instantly becomes 1000x more attractive to you

Either like 5′2″ or 5′10″ no middle ground

Definitely own a turtle or rabbit and if you don’t then you should.

Forgets your assignments but the professor lets you off because you’re so nervous they can’t scold you.

Oversleeps at least 2 times a week

Will not get up before 1pm on a weekend

Wall flower at parties but people still approach you bc you are so friendly and kind.

Social anxiety intensifies.

Always get’s called on in class when you haven’t been paying attention and it really troubles you.

Has a minimum of 3 blankets on your bed that you cocoon yourself in.

Tsukishima:

Your attracted to snarky assholes.

Sarcasm and insults are your form of flirtation and you get immediately turned off if they can’t take it or get upset.

Probably shy away from your feelings

Random flashbacks to embarrassing events frequently keep you up at night

Judge peoples fashion choices as they walk past you but actually have a really good eye for what works and what doesn’t.

You look like you have your shit together and you kinda do for the most part.

The quiet kid in class that’s listening to some loud ass screamo or rock n roll’ but ppl have no idea.

Definition of the glinting anime glasses pushed up your nose bridge cliche.

When you make a mistake you question all your knowledge and abilities but no one else knows that about you

Refuses to cry since you view your emotions as a personal weakness

If someone hugged you you’d get VERY uncomfortable.

Physical contact is not your forte

Probably a 5′0″ demon.

Would peg a man to assert dominance but you’re actually a lil bitch.

Knows the answer to the question they can’t solve.

Doesn’t study as much as they should but somehow still gets good grades.

Really likes french fries and the taste of strawberries.

Just wants to be left alone

Ennoshita:

The one friend that gets talked over and it really pisses you off but you’re too nice to say anything.

Seems really passive but can actually be hella confrontational when they wanna be

No tolerance for peoples bullshit 

Really stable and just an overall reliable person.

People often forget you’re in the room lmao but it’s okay you’d rather listen anyway.

Actually has a really interesting mind and a lot to say but mostly keep it to yourself unless they’re your friend

Answered for someone else in attendance a few years ago and it still bothers you.

People often come to you to vent and you’re chill with it

Don’t stand out much but honestly it doesn’t bother you

Can and will get through an entire book/series in a matter of 3 days.

Quite a minimalist and organised for the most part

You look like you have your shit together and you def do.

Have a controversial taste in pizza.

You have more acquaintances than friends but the ones you do are a v tight knit circle.

Will re take a quiz several times till you get the character you wanted

Radiate Virgo and Libra energy.

Kiyoko:

Type of person to say “step on me” as a way of complimenting and you mean it literally.

Both a sadist and masochist

When someone tells you their not interested it just makes you want them 100x more and it frustrates you why are you like this.

Doesn’t compliment often but when you do it’s really heartfelt.

Looks like your silently judging people but in reality you really couldn’t care.

Just kidding you low-key judge them anyway.

Very picky when it comes to partners.

Independent but has random hella clingy moments.

Despite being quiet, you are capable of roasting a bitch alive if they test your patience.

Like I would NOT wanna get on your bad side

You could deadass send them to therapy, their emotions fenna need some aloe vera for that burn.

Just really calm and relaxed tbh so people enjoy being in your company even though you don’t talk much.

When you do though it’s usually something really interesting or funny.

You just don’t see the point in talking if what your saying doesn’t hold any value??

You hate small talk and would rather slingshot yourself off a skyscraper than partake in it.

Your face is easy to read and you make no effort to hide it.

If your in a bad mood they WILL know.

Look like your plotting someones demise or questioning life’s theories but in reality you’re really just thinking bout what you want for dinner.

Honestly just a sweetheart tbh.

Low-key have a staring problem.

Has really neat and cursive handwriting like who tf taught you that.

Yachi:

Frequently says something then panics that it could be misinterpreted 

You overthink literally everything you have ever said and the actions you haven’t even committed yet

Really likes the taste of sherbet 

Could cut a bitch if they needed to

You spend most of your money at Urban Outfitters and don’t regret it.

have an assortment of colouring pencils that ppl always try and borrow and never give them back.

You highlight the shit outta your papers and never read them again.

Really like the smell of peaches

Probably have a v interesting earring collection.

Hoard water bottles in your room and you feel majorly guilty about it.

The taste of honey disgusts you but you eat it anyway for some reason.

Somehow managed to burn rice and solidify soup.

You shouldn’t be trusted in the kitchen but you try your best regardless.

I feel like that applies to most things in your life

Like yeah you fucked it up but like you’re trying your best lol cmon

V tolerant of people but have zero time for fuckboys and shut them down instantly.

You frequently get the shakes from caffeine or anxiety

Or both.

You give really encouraging hugs.

Have no clue what you wanna do in life but it’s ok bby it’ll work out.

Takeda:

You’re a very underappreciated and underrated person and I love u

Probably an English/languages major

Really kind and outgoing but high-key mysterious

Actually has a phat fucking temper like damn where did that come from.

Won’t take no for an answer when you want to achieve something.

That one person people don’t realise is there listening to your conversations but you definitely are and now know Becky’s deepest darkest secret.

Fuck you, becky.

Wore contacts once and forgot to take them out for 3 days.

You wondered why your eyes were so itchy.

Your music taste does not match your appearance.

Probably watch a lot of crime shows and imagine you’re an investigator

Aced physics and chemistry.

More than likely an introvert with extrovert tendencies when you feel like it.

Actually quite temperamental but it’s okay since you’re a v genuine person.

Often debate getting a sugar daddy bc that income looking real tempting rn.

Honest to a fault at times but it’s something people come to appreciate about you.

Just really wanna sleep for 15 hours and sit in front of your laptop with some hot coco.

Ukai:

You like older men

The smell of tobacco and coffee low-key comforts you for some reason.

Peed in a bottle that one time while on a road trip and forgot to throw it out until you found it a week later.

You’re a slut for dyed hair and dudes with piercings.

You once got drunk and passed out on a spinning round-a-bout in a park and your friend still has pictures that you refuse to acknowledge.

Bi-curious and just radiate big Bi energy

Would experiment but you’re too hesitant.

Hates the taste of beer but drinks it anyway.

Just wants to be loved man I stg is that too much to ask.

Often wonder if your friends actually like you then realise you don’t really care anyway lmao.

You still love them though.

Tired of working over time and just wanna catch a break.

Amazon Prime is your best friend.

Random ass parcels comin thru’ each day and it feels like Christmas.

A very lonely and one-man party Christmas.

Stop spending your fucking paycheck.

Have a pretty dark/cynical but really funny sense of humour and you often make people laugh.

Have a big ass temper and people KNOW it.

Often fantasised about dropping out and becoming a stripper bc your patience was being TESTED.

Really likes money but who doesn’t tbh.

You radiate Chaotic Evil but keep it under wraps.

[simpingragdollcat]

I saw some more One Piece episodes and, honestly, it's getting gooooood, can't wait to see more when I have the time. ♥️

So:

Buggy's more of an asshole than I thought. Destroying a city just because it's a pirate thing doesn't make you better than anyone, my guy.

But I got impressed when accepted Nami so easily in his crew and already wanted to throw her party for her. That was honestly very nice and makes me believe he cares more about his crew than he makes us believe.

Then he uses two men as human shields and I lost all fate.

I THOUGHT BUGGY AND SHANKS WERE STILL FRIENDS?? I GOT SO SAD WHEN BUGGY TOLD LUFFY HE DESPISED SHANKS?? BITCH WHY CAN'T THEM BE HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER AND GO FOR SOME DRINKS??

ALSO WHO THE FUCK HIDES A DEVIL FRUIT IN THEIR MOUTH

FUCKING IDIOT

...I also crushed on the clown

The fight between Luffy and Buggy was so good. Every punch Luffy threw cleaned my soul.

Smol Buggy brings me life. Why can't he just be a head, hands and feet for the rest of the anime?

Also there's the tamer and the swordsman. Those guys were nice too.

I GOT SAD BECAUSE OF CHOUCHOU

HE WILL BE GUARDING THE ONE THING HIS LATE OWNER CONSIDERED HIS TREASURE

THAT BRINGS ME TEARS ANY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT.

My boy Zoro got some balls for fighting with that wound in his side.

Mad respect for him, honestly. For both protecting his dream and helping his captain.

Oh poor Nami, "teaming up" she said. Doesn't even know what she's going into.

"We need a musician" I saw that foreshadowing there, Oda.

USOPP APPEARED AND I'M SO HAPPY

MY BABY LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL

Too bad his dad is a bitch

BUT MY BABY IS PERFECT

CHILDREN LOVE HIM AND I COULDN'T POSSIBLE BE HAPPIER.

AND OMG THINKING THAT HE TELLS INVENTED STORIES SO HE CAN MAKE THAT ONE GIRL LAUGH AND FEEL BETTER

PLS ODA MAKE THEM MARRY AND HAVE KIDS.

The Buttler is shady as fuck. Don't trust him.

9/993

[lemonade-clown-official]

Grammar mistakes are intentional on this blog.

I will beat you with profusely a crowbar if you so much as mention Fruit Punch.

[infernobot]

TEETH?

Teeth?

By InfernoBot

I had just finished recording, and was carrying my dog in from the office, when my mom handed me an envelope. Once I had my sweet pupper nestled into a blanket, I joined her on the couch and slit open my mysterious delivery. Inside was no note, just a brochure to something called ‘Furnal Equinox’ and an accompanying plastic badge bearing the image of a anthropomorphic dog, (maybe it was a wolf), wearing a graduation cap and gown.

As my eyes scanned the glossy pages, my excitement grew; some lovely person had sent me a weekend pass to a furry convention! This was my big chance to make a video detailing my adventures through a mass gathering of one of the internet’s most maligned and misunderstood subcultures. Over the coming weeks, I studied the brochure, read up on the panelists online, noted every question about the furry fandom that popped into my head. My itinerary for the whole weekend was mapped out. 

Super chats and KoFi tips managed to cover the cost of a bottom-barrel airline ticket, and I got a great deal on an Air B&B from a charming indiginous woman named Semide, whose sisters had enrolled in college and left their rooms vacant. She was even kind enough to include meals as part of the deal. The weekend of the con finally rolled around; I threw my things in a bag and I was off to Toronto.

Eighteen hours and three layovers later, I was sitting at my host’s kitchen table with a warm towel draped over the back of my neck, sipping a cup of coffee. It turned out Semide was a naturopathic healer and knew some kickin’ remedies for aches, pains and jet lag. I don’t put much stock in essential oils, but damn if I didn’t wake up feeling fresh and ready to face the day the next morning. The convention was being held on the waterfront about nine blocks from Semide’s place, not too bad for a walk, and I reckoned I could make the trek each day. 

I left late in the morning, well after the con had opened. No sense waiting in line, I figured. It was three blocks from the Westin Harbor Castle, when I saw the first fursuit. 

There was no explaining the rush of exhilaration I felt. This was real. This was happening. I was gradually being surrounded by dozens of people decked out in bright, elaborate costumes. Some that couldn’t afford full suits wore just heads and gloves, giving a ghoulish Frankenstein’s monster appearance to their character. Or the wolf-man caught mid transformation after being bitten by a neon fox in a rainbow pride shirt. The less daring, or particularly destitute, settled for headbands with animal ears and strap-on tails. 

Waiting to cross the last street, I was elbow to elbow with a giant Sonic the Hedgehog and a seven-foot tall purple giraffe sporting a quadruple-XL adult diaper. Something told me before the weekend was over, that particular garment would get filled. Before I could contemplate the logistics further, the light changed and the extremely polite, if curiously dressed herd moved into the street and we sorted into a semblance of a line being steadily processed through the doors into the main convention hall. I was in.

The lead-up to the main event hadn’t prepared me for what lay inside. A teenage girl in a ‘volunteer’ shirt thrust an opaque plastic bag into my hands before Big The Cat shoved me aside and began professing his undying love for her beauty. I stumbled into the row of booths on the main floor, further progress blocked by an electric green armadillo strumming an acoustic guitar with a stuffed fish tucked in the strings. 

This was it, I weaved my way between con-goers and took it all in. Clip-on LED cat ears. A custom-fit fang booth. Stacks of comics focused on humanoid animals. Racks upon racks of faux-leather collars and leashes. The waifu pillows. I pulled my phone from my pocket and approached the nearest open booth.

Time for an interview, I thought.

Eight hours, two energy drinks and a box of granola bars later, I was dead on my feet. There was no way of knowing how many people I’d talked to as the day progressed. Or just how strange my conversations had become. I think I spoke at length with Cool Cat about the merits of various vape pens, despite the fact I don’t smoke. But it hadn’t all been nonsense. 

Before I had degenerated into a gibbering wreck, I had chanced to be standing beside a fountain near the food court and heard a familiar warbling voice behind me. To my great delight, when I turned around I found a young woman with jet black hair, a hawaiian shirt and a black & yellow long-Furby draped over her shoulders; I instantly recognized her as Teya from Strange Aeons. After she’d finished speaking to her friend, I politely tapped her on the arm and introduced myself. She turned out to be super cool, excited to meet another youtube creator, and talked to me for about ten minutes as her girlfriend went off to wait in line for the bathroom. 

While most of our conversation centered around videos and our special boy Greg, my eyes kept getting drawn back to Thursday Plurbonym Boyporridge. His black and yellow checkered belly, his luxurious black fur, those piercing green eyes; it was all so captivating. I couldn’t quit looking at the charm necklace below his little yellow beak spelling out his name; Thursday. Eventually, I complimented her on her videos and her handsome long-son one last time and we parted ways. It had been a pleasant break, but even here, the persistent strains of Insane Clown Posse that permeated the space were grating on my nerves. 

When the time had come for all the furry folk to close up shop and head home, I staggered out into the street with all the lingering con-goers. Despite the initial culture shock, most of the people I’d met had been great. I could stand here, elbow to elbow with ponies, foxskies, giant pomeranians and adorable cat girl maids on the steps of Westin Harbor Castle, and just enjoy the last moments of the sun setting over Toronto. That is until the moment was shattered by an obnoxious voice that sounded more like it belonged outside a Patriots game accompanied by the echo of shattering beer bottles. 

“Now that the party’s over, we can get down to the afterparty at my place; which of you bitches wants to come home with me?”

My head swiveled like a tank turret toward the source of the voice, my face bearing the expression which must have read did this motherfucker just?

A man-child wearing a My Little Pony t-shirt that had been stretched over his prodigious girth, a pair of denim jorts hanging past his knees and sweat-stained socks encased in mandles, slid his oily bulk up behind a group of teenage girls dressed as some kind of anime cat maids. He leaned his acne-studded face in close to them and said, “Since you’re dressed as maids, how about I take you home and make you change my cumm-y bedsheets after a night of passionate love-making.” 

The overly-polite locals may have been in shock, but I knew a neckbeard when I saw one and knew immediately what to do.

“How ‘bout you back the fuck off bro, they’re kids.”

Maybe he wasn’t expecting resistance, but he seemed genuinely taken aback by someone speaking up. Once he got a look at me, he re-adjusted his fedora and stared me down. I admit, I might not look terribly intimidating; bulky, but not muscular, with my hair dyed bright teal and swept to one side. At least I had on a Pink Floyd t-shirt, that felt a little like a layer of protection against his fed-aura. He drew in a snot-choked breath and continued,

“They’re dressed as the maids from Painappuru No Oshiri, they’re harem girls that’re totally thirsty for the main character. Each maid is eager to bend over and present their ripe ruby star-fruit to their master. They’re, like, practically advertising how much they want it in the ass.”

“Why don’t you leave them alone, fuckmuppet?” I retorted. “You look like you're forty and they’re a bunch of teen girls.”

He was not pleased with my argument. The group of cat-maidens had shaken off their surprise and closed ranks. But they weren’t ready when he lunged forward and grabbed at the petticoat of the red cat-maid on the outside, lifting her skirts up to expose the shorts underneath.

“It’s not even a chick, it’s a dude. Chill out.”

A glance at the cosplayer’s face revealed a mask of burning red embarrassment, fear and confusion. Their friends were moving to grab at the neckbeard’s hand, but I was quicker. I swatted his arm like I was chopping down the internet itself and pushed right up in his face. Practically nose-to-nose, I couldn’t avoid the stench of fermented funyuns rolling off his breath.

“Keep. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off of them.”

His chins quivered slightly. 

“Oh, you wanna start something, Rainbow Brite? I bet you like it in the ass, prancy-boy.”

“For a supposedly straight guy, you sure are obsessed with getting your dick in a guy’s butt.”

The flab of his cheeks reddened to match his acne.

“You’re gonna regret that. I’m a man with a very particular set of skills…”

I cut him off; I didn’t have the patience for a real-life copy pasta.

“Is one of your skills getting punched by me? Cause if you keep talking, you’re going to be teaching a master class.”

I could feel that neckbeardy-bravado wavering. Perhaps he could sense the crowd around us had turned against him, moving to shield the cat-maids and staring daggers into his lumpy flesh. With one last snotty huff, he turned and stormed away; the sound of his mandles slapping on the concrete echoed off the face of the convention center. 

A group of several of the more adulty-er people had ringed the victims and were doing their best to calm them down. I shuffled over and started to apologize for the beardo’s behavior, when the red cat-maid began thanking me profusely and asked for a hug. Apparently, this was not the first time their group had been approached at the convention. We stood around chatting for a while, and they promised to check Evangelion when they got home. Once the cat-maids were safely in their Lyft, I waved them goodbye and turned to make my journey home for the night.

I started back up the street I'd taken this morning, but as I approached the doorway to a grimey building, I became aware of a fully-suited Yogi Bear propositioning a man dressed like Linda-Carter-era Wonder Woman. I was pretty wiped out and didn’t have it in me to process an altercation like this if they noticed me and instead took an abrupt right turn down an alley, intending to zig-zag back to my Air B&B. 

I was nearly out the other side when my ears picked up the slapping of mandles on pavement rushing up behind me. A searing pain burst into existence in my lower back, like someone put a cigarette out on my spine. 

I went down, hard. 

The mylar swag bag I’d been swinging around all day splashed into a puddle off to one side. I was barely able to heave myself over onto my back to get a look at my attacker. It was him. The Neckbeard. He stood over me, grinning, his yellowed teeth visible in the night. The little black box in his hand flickered with a blue spark as he triggered the taser again.

“Heh heh. You like that, princess? I aimed a little high so I wouldn’t damage your sweet ass.”

“Fuck….you….” I gasped out through the pain. My muscles were cramping like someone had dug a burning fork into my lower back and twisted it up like a plate of spaghetti. 

“Heh. You’re the one taking it in the ass, rainbow bitch.” He stepped over me, squatting like a linebacker, bringing the taser close to my face. “Maybe I’ll push this in your eyeball and see if I can make it boil.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of movement between his legs. Something thin and dark darted up from the shadows, toward his exposed back. He let out a cry of surprise, and shot upright, swinging his arms wildly behind him, grabbing at something. He hopped wildly from foot-to-foot across the alley, the tail hanging from the back of his pants swaying wildly with the movement. I thought it was weird I hadn’t noticed the tail before, especially with how long it was, practically sweeping the ground. The fuzzy black appendage was moving...wrong. It kept curling up and twisting out of his hands as he grasped at it, almost as if it were...alive. 

“Oh Goddamnit!” He screamed. “What the fuck, dude?!” 

He dropped the taser and got a grip on the tail with both hands, tugging on it. A ripping sound echoed through the alley as the seat of his pants tore out. The thing was, the tail wasn’t attached to his pants, it was going in through his pants, nestled between his prodigious posterior cheeks like one of those fetish plugs. As he violently jerked it side-to-side, it was ripping at the fabric of his trousers, the same went for his less-than-tidey whiteys. 

“Get this fucking thing off of me!” He howled. 

He grunted as the tail slipped his fingers and wriggled another foot inside him. Tears were welling up in his eyes and he collapsed back against a green dumpster. Like a man who had gambled on a street taco truck and lost, he bit his knuckle and gripped his abdomen through his stained t-shirt. It might have been a trick of the light, but I swear I could see his belly distend and squirm; the words ‘Friendship Is Magic’ bulging as something rolled under them. 

His mandles dug into the alley grime as he feebly kicked his legs, and I could only watch in disgust as the rest of the fuzzy, black, thing slithered up inside him, forcibly dilating his leather cheerio. It was incredible. I could actually see its progress as it wormed its way through his body. He blubbered something about God and Jesus as his hand clawed frantically at his own belly, before his voice abruptly went silent. 

There was a long, drawn-out wheezing sound, like one of those novelty rubber chickens, as the bulk of the thing moved up his throat. I don’t know how his flesh distended and deformed without bursting, but it reached his mouth and his jaw opened wide. First one small black, fuzzy ear lined with black and yellow plaid popped up, then another, followed by the crown of this thing’s head, pushing his teeth outward like flower petals blooming. 

It rose before me, straight up from his mouth, its black and yellow belly slick, but not stained by his juices. His dislodged teeth clung to its matted fur like an obscene necklace. It swayed slightly in the moonlight, a pair of luminous green eyes fixed on mine, and its beak opened. With the rising inflection of someone asking a question, it uttered one word: 

Teeth?

[itsclownhours]

merlin as tumblr posts again because when i edited a typo in the original it fucked up the formatting

everyone: you have to make time for yourself

morgana: *stays up until 1 am every night crying* me time

.

morgana: ohhhh so the pain is forever and endless i get it now

.

young!mordred: once i learn how to read and write it’s over for you hoes

.

lancelot, in cursive: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: what does this say

elyan: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: bitch me neither that’s why i asked

.

arthur, to merlin, about lancelot: is he...y’know…*gestures downard to super hell*

.

uther, straight: hey what’s up guys do you want to go get some food

arthur and morgana, gay: ??????

uther: oh sorry i mean asgdhjdhs guys do you??? want some food??? lmao ashdjdjhs

arthur and morgana: oh! agshdjjshsj yeah lmao agshdj

.

morgana: do you ever associate the word “girlfriend” with wlw so much that you forget straight boys have girlfriends

.

gwen: am taking care of a tiny kitten. have given it an excellent name. dad thinks i’m calling her “minty” but this is actually short for The Government

gwen: The Government bit my finger and pooped on the floor

.

gwaine: peak art is when you were like six and you scribbled all over ms paint and then carefully paintbucketed in all the different shapes in the scribbles to make “stained glass”

.

morgause: forcing my car to commit sins so it goes to hell with me when i die

.

leon, after arthur gives the knights a pep talk: so motivational...time to drill a hole in my skull

.

morgana: i want to be a she really did that!! kind of girl but i don’t do anything

.

arthur: pros and cons of being my friend:

arthur: pro: you have a friend

arthur: con: it’s me

.

gwaine, to lancelot: bro let’s watch a horror movie together...bro you look scared do you wanna share a blanket dude? if you wanna hold hands it’s ok. if you wanna rest your head on my shoulder it’s alright bro...bro if you wanna kiss that’s understandable that was a scary movie...we can keep cuddling after the movie is over it’s alright dude…

.

lancelot: old town road but he just keeps listing all the places he has horses

gwaine: i got the horses in the back

gwaine: horses on the track

gwaine: horses in the shack and i got horses fetching snacks

gwaine: i got the horses in earth’s core

gwaine: down under the floor

gwaine: horses in the store and i got horses on the moor

.

gwaine: died and came back as a cowboy i call that reintarnation

.

morgana: *shows up at college* excuse me will someone please direct me to the leftist brainwashing class? i’m here for the leftist brainwashing class

.

merlin: finally found someone i was more disappointed in that myself: the entirety of america camelot

.

morgause: customer (derogatory)

.

arthur: business major (derogatory)

.

leon: leonardo dicaprio date a woman over 25 challenge

gwaine: thought that said “leonardo da vinci” and was confused since da vinci was gay and also since you were calling out someone who’s been dead for well over 7 years

leon: well. da vinci has been well over 7 years, i’ll give you that

.

morgana: the retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. i’ve had enough

.

gwaine: i’m fucking in luigi’s mansion

leon: who?

gwaine: some italian freak

gwaine: oh you meant who am i fucking. your mom

.

leon: stop setting things on fire because you’re curious about what will happen. what will happen is fire

gwaine: but what if...something else happens. just this 1 time

.

morgause: bored? burn an orphan. who’re they gonna tell? their parents?

.

morgana: due to personal reasons i will be a serial arsonist

.

mithian: fruit (affectionate)

.

arthur: going to the fruit (derogatory) store do you want anything

.

gwen: fruit (salad, yummy yummy)

.

morgana, to gwen: i’m allergic to hookup culture and too weird to participate anyway. die in my arms

.

kilgharrah: i am fast and full of teeth. i will die in a barn fire

.

morgana: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana: evil again

.

morgause: every day i put on my evil little clothes and do my evil little tasks

.

percival: megan thee stallion and timothee chalamet are the same age

gwaine: megan thee stallion 🤝 timo thee chalamet

.

morgana: hey how many swords do you have

morgause: sword of a lot

morgana: blocked

morgause: parried

.

morgana and gwen simultaneously in 1x10: *chanting* girls with swords girls with swords

.

morgana: the more knives you have the more valid you are

.

kilgharrah: blocked. blocked. blocked. you’re all blocked. none of you are free from sin.

.

morgana: seven deadly sins speedrun

.

gwaine: i want 6 pet sloths so i can name them after every sin except for sloth

.

merlin: the eighth deadly sin is networking

.

arthur: online school culture is constantly wondering if there’s a sneaky little assignment you missed...is it tucked under modules or assignments or heaven forbid, announcements? who’s to say?

.

gaius: asynchronous learning

merlin, a clown: mmmnaptime

.

arthur: have you ever just cried because you’re you

.

elyan, to percival: bro, we are teens . it’s ok to cry around me . i’m your best friend . i love you … bro we are kissing now … no don’t stop bro … bro …

.

morgana: mad bc i was told as the bride my wedding would be “my day” but actually where will be a whole other bride there and we will have to share it

.

leon: i’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s about a gender i already know about, what kind of reveal is that

.

leon: gender reveal party??? no, this is a gender repeal party. we out here revoking genders

.

gwaine: you’re laughing. i asked you who sings party rock anthem and you’re laughing

.

gwaine: make no mistake not only am i party rocking but i’m also in the house tonight

elyan: are you shuffling?

gwaine: everyday

.

morgana: lung extensions

morgana: with extended lungs you can: scream longer, breathe harder, brag about extended lungs

morgana: this procedure is not legal but i will do it for you

morgana: do not tell the police or morgause

.

morgana: i’m so sick of dna, i’m going to have all mine removed

morgause: good news! this is a real thing that can happen to you

morgana: perfect, sign me up

.

morgana: if YOU die because i poisoned you...how is that MY fault like i’m sorry you aren’t immune to my poisons i think that’s genuinely something you need to work on. fix yourself before blaming others

.

arthur: my body is NOT a “temple”...it is a CLOWN CAR and NONE OF THESE BITCHES KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

.

morgause: live

morgause: laugh

morgause: l u r k

.

mcdonald’s employee: please sir get off the table

gwaine: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES *dumping bag of fried out onto the floor* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKEN LITTLE ONES

.

merlin: i relate to vampires because i too must be clearly and specifically invited in before i have the audacity to try to participate in anything

.

gwaine: it can’t be september, just yesterday is was marchgustuary

lancelot: today’s date: [REDACTED]/[REDACTED]/20

.

gwaine: why are internet friends not normalized. it’s 2020 they’re probably making robots that will wipe your ass for you and i can’t text grace in the uk and tell her to have a good day? fuck you

.

percival: imagine if halsey was in beauty and the beast

elyan: are you insane like gaston. been in pain like gaston. bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like gaston

.

arthur: my dad is learning about pronouns/gender identity and he called me in the middle of the night to tell me he is cis

.

merlin: ough. those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. maybe the next one will be better

.

morgana: i’m at the dark candy store, buying sorrowful ranchers

.

merlin: i’m surprised no one has ever punched me in the face

.

gwen: i want a gf so i can send her memes about loving my gf

.

morgause: oh to cook with my wife and stand directly in front of cabinets and drawers she needs to open

.

morgause: decided i will no longer be paying taxes. what are they gonna do, tax me more? go ahead. i won’t pay those either. oh i’m going to prison? the one paid for by my tax dollars? sorry, didn’t pay em. now there is no prison. i am at least 3 steps ahead of the government at all times

.

merlin: lab safety but the teacher just wants to you die

merlin: lab safety: 1. drink whatever’s in that beaker. i know you fucking want to

.

morgause: my therapist is selling her house so i’m gonna find the listing online and make her living room my zoom backgrounds before our next session. you wanna get in my head? ok well i’m in your home babe. i’m in charge now

morgana: yeah i see why you’re in therapy

.

morgana: i hate it when people ask me to “explain my thought process” like hell if i know

morgana: what’s going on in that head of yours?” nothing i want to be a part of

.

mordred: hey girls what’s the hot gossip what’s new what’s the 411

morgana and morgause: everything is bad and getting worse by the day

.

morgause: common letter greetings from 1889

morgause: dearest my-soon-to-be-enemy

morgause: salutations and i hope you enjoy contact prison

morgause: i hope this letter finds you in a ditch

.

arthur: *highlights all the wrong and unimportant stuff with full confidence*

.

merlin: i’ve tried opening my mouth and saying words before and i’ve gotta say, i’m not a fan

.

morgana: a large group of humans is called a fuck that

.

website: synonyms for blood: juice

mithian: thank you thesaurus.com, that is absolutely not what i was looking for

.

gwaine: gen z humor was single-handedly cultivated by the zoo wee mama comic and you can’t convince me otherwise

.

morgana: screw this it’s halloween now *turns into a swarm of bats them consumes the moon*

.

morgana: i can’t believe the heterosexuals are gone. they’re gone

uther: we’re still here

arthur: who said that

.

gwaine: no more france

gwaine: society has progressed passed the need for france

.

morgause: girls night out (of body experience)

.

morgana, to morgause: what do you mean “what have i been up to”...i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch

.

merlin: stop complaining about your life. there are literally people living in camelot

.

arthur, trying to find new knights: oh so you’re a human? name three pictures with traffic lights in them

.

gwaine: we mcfreaking lost her doctor

.

morgause: looking for a wife in the walmart

.

morgause: arrested for visiting www.killing.com/murder

.

gwaine, to merlin: no bro this isn’t a date listen bro

gwaine: it’s bruhnch

.

morgause, to cenred: if you think i’m not interested, you’re right

.

gwen: put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe

.

morgana: idk what mad scientist needs to hear this today but your goggles and lab coat are incredibly flattering and all your experiments will block away the scientific community who called you a fool

.

morgause: i’m gonna fucking die disease

morgause: symptoms: back hurts a bit too much for a bit too long

.

arthur: if you think i’m annoying now wait until i get over my fear of being perceived as annoying

.

merlin: sorry if i’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

.

gwaine: home depot needs more small tunnels for me to crawl through tbh

.

percival: hot tip: soup is customizable! go wild but know your limits

.

morgana: brains say “i know a spot” and take you to a traumatic memory from 2011

.

mithian: “can you multitask” yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time

.

morgana: quarantine schedule to keep you on track

morgana: wake up

morgana: neglect online school

morgana: yearn (ongoing project)

morgana: again!

.

mithian: if cats don’t want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn’t be roughly the size and shape of little babies

.

morgause: fuck this pandemic i could’ve ruined 2020 on my own

.

morgana: a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

.

morgana: oh to wear a knife strapped against my thigh beneath a silk dress

.

morgana, running off with morgause at the end of season 2: i hate this place i want to go to build a bear

.

morgana, at work: i’m evil

morgana, 1 second after clocking out: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana, the next day at work: evil again

.

season 2 morgana: i am fine thank you for asking! though recently there has been a darkness growing within me

.

morgause: *thinks about love* okay well i am just losing my mind and being insane now

.

arthur: you think you can hurt my feelings? i’ve been the least favorite in every single friendship group i’ve had since i was 8

.

morgana, staring out the window at arthur and merlin: look at them plotting my downfall

.

mithian: i wanna buy clown noses in bulk and start sticking them on every person i see whose mask is pulled too low

.

mithian: oh to be a tiny cat whose biggest concern is the looming threat of being gently picked up and kissed on the head

.

morgana: i deserve to be kissed

.

morgana: did you have a homoerotic friendship with a girl in high school that ended in tragedy and you two are never talking again or are you normal?

.

mithian: just diagnosed with forehead kiss deficiency :/

.

morgana: i think i’ll continue to wear a mask when this shit’s all over, and huge sunglasses. my face is none of your business

.

morgause: my therapist told me that sometimes when a person consumes the same piece of media over and over they may be unconsciously coping with a mental block so now i’m trying to figure out what the fuck i was going through that made me watch ratatouille 8 times a day for a solid month in middle school

.

morgause: opposite of depression nap. depression awakeness. refreshing the same three websites over and over. there’s nothing new on any of them. eight seconds have passed and it feels like a century

.

morgana: very homophobic that my head is not laying on the chest of my maidservant as i am drifting off to sleep

.

merlin: no no, it’s fine, i’ll text myself back

.

morgana: *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns*

.

arthur: i’d have to be a fool not to? being a fool and not doing things are my top two activities

.

gwaine: you think it’s easy to be me? you think it’s easy to get up every. single. day. and be an industrial grade dumbass? well it’s not. but that’s what i do. and i’ll never stop.

.

morgana: ah shit i’m sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked

sunday: yearn

monday: pine

tuesday: long

wednesday: ache

thursday: sigh

friday: lament

saturday: crave

.

morgana: talents include: being a public menace, denying God’s will, petting dogs, yearning, being dramatic, witchcraft, quoting classic literature when no one asked, napping, befriending a murder of crows, being gay, covering up my emotions by being “the funny friend” when in reality i’m really going through it, wistfully staring out the car window

.

merlin: *doesn’t even do the bare minimum* all in a day’s work

.

cenred: a “period” is not an excuse to have an attitude

morgause: i miss the times when men would go to war and die

.

morgana: the cheap halloween vampire fangs stay ON during sex

.

gwen: maybe i pspspspsp’ed you because i love you. did you think of that? huh?

.

morgana: mom said it’s my turn to hand out the ominous and vague warnings

arthur: that wasn’t mom

uther: she JUST SAID it was her turn

.

morgause: i’m a chill person but if my back doesn’t stop hurting i’m going to take out my spine and beat God with it

.

mithian: one of these days i’m going to say the f word

mithian: then you’ll all be sorry

.

morgause: 3 words every girl wants to hear

morgause: club penguin membership

.

morgana: hmm, yes.

morgana: time to s i p

morgana: some *~crispy~*

morgana: d i h y d r o g e n m o n o x i d e

.

morgause: roll call! raise your hand if you’re in the following fandoms:

morgause: 1. suffering 2. the pain of living

morgana: *raises both hands and a leg*

.

leon: it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

.

merlin: yeah bro hit me up and we’ll cancel some plans sometime

.

morgana: my brain, or as i like to call it, the suffer contraption

.

morgause: my circle so small i almost cut myself off

.

morgause hyping herself up before entering any public area: i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal

.

arthur: today in french we learned how to say “what’s in the bag” and i couldn’t stop laughing because

arthur: swaggity swag qu’est-ce qui dans le sac

.

merlin: even when i am not speaking, know that horrible sentences are raging within me

.

mithian in 5x04: sorry bro i can’t go out tonight. i’m stuck in an eternal state of melancholy

.

morgause: shower gel label: immerse yourself in this new “Me Time” luxury frooty tooty. abandon all sense of identity and dissolve your memories into this soothing chemical broth. one billion melons are in this tube...use them wisely

.

leon, writing a headline about the most recent knights’ mission: local dumbasses knew that what they were getting themselves into and did it anyways

.

morgana: *feels random pain in body*

morgana: kill me

.

mithian: *slowly inches closer to your pet*

.

morgause: *refuses to look at texts* i love conversation and communication

.

arthur: cute gender neutral things to call your partner

arthur: significant annoyance

.

leon: the most unrealistic fantasy trope is the one where half of the pair works in some sort of shop and one is a customer because i have literally never thought about a customer with anything other than contempt

.

gwaine: why is everyone talking about 1d all of a sudden did one of them die

elyan: they’re 10 years old now

gwaine: i wish them luck 4th grade is tough!!

.

gwaine: must i pursue a career? is it not enough to be passionate about tv shows and snack foods?

.

leon, aroace: cool date idea: me eating oatmeal by myself

.

morgana: i have no self of steam

.

gwaine: i hate wearing a mask. i miss being able to gently kiss my trader joe’s cashier on the lips after they ring up my $8 box of blueberries

.

morgana: committing acts of violence today…*pushes morgause’s glass of water off the counter*

.

gwaine: mario will do anything to put a smile on your face

.

morgana: haha we get along so well...our brains just work the same way

morgause, after changing her entire personality to match morgana’s after analyzing the way she talks and texts: haha yeah it’s incredible

.

gwaine: covered in sauce, trembling

.

arthur: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*

arthur: you know what i mean :/

.

[online]

morgana: *screenshots things her girlfriend said to her so she can read it again later* yeah i’m not gay

uther: dude no offence i don’t want to sound like an sjw or anything but if you have a girlfriend you’re straight. that’s just how it works

morgana: i’m a girl

uther: what the fuck

.

morgana: the second you say “family group chat” i know we are not the same

.

gwen: what if early in the morning after buying groceries we got caught in the rain and i used my jacket to cover your head ut we still got soaked and we made a fire at home and brewed tea and sat together watching the rain as our cats hid under our feets at each sound of thunder and we ate stew for dinner and watched tv until we fell asleep on the couch with your head resting on my shoulder

.

gwaine, to percival: hold my hand bro we’re crossing the street

.

percival: imageine if we all just started ignoring celebrities though

percival: i can’t stop thinking about how funny this would be. imagine kyie jenner posting a selfie and it gets 12 likes

.

morgana: this isn’t fun anymore i need a kiss

.

morgause at 1159 pm: life’s great lol

morgause at 1201 am: does anyone really know me? most importantly do i really know me? what if life doesn’t get better than this?

.

merlin: king i needbfjdjgnjfg qldkr snmsmdjgjt ….. .. i need--fjrjkrhgphpqn dd

arthur: huh *dunks merlin’s head back underwater*

.

morgana: i don’t go to therapy or take any pills i just rawdog life and let my brain turn into soup

.

mordred: dark emails

morgause: to whom it WILL concern

morgana: now that this email has found you

.

gwaine: hi waiter could i get the spaghetti i promise i’ll behave this time

.

merlin: the sexiest thing about me? everything hurts my feelings

.

gwaine: how is sex fun if i have to remove my crocs to have it

elyan: if he makes you remove your crocs for sex he isn’t the one

.

morgause: a motherfucker could use an embrace

.

morgana: every night after 10pm my feelings start crawling out, starved, as i beat them with a moderately large stick vigorously hissing “stay back” until i inevitably fall asleep

.

fanfiction: there’s only one room available…

morgause, who specifically chose a rated m and explicit story: oh my gosh there’s only one room they’re gonna share a bed what’s gonna happen next

.

morgana: i can have a little unrealistic romantic fantasy. as a treat

.

arthur: some of y’all weren’t asked out as a joke in middle school and it shows

.

morgana: how is everyone doing. i’ll go first i’m doing badly

.

morgana: being a kid was so fucking funny we’d just go around lying to each other’s faces constantly to impress each other one of the knights told me he was the first person to visit the sun and when i asked him what it was like to prove he was lying he said he didn’t remember because they sent him there when he was a baby and to this day the mental image of nasa launching an unsupervised baby into the sun still makes me crack up

.

elyan: do you wish you were seeing somebody

leon: a therapist

.

morgause: when you see someone from high school and they don’t recognize you that’s the exact opposite of the mortifying ordeal of being known. the gratifying relief of being forgotten

.

[texting]

morgana: you seem hard to kill

morgause: aw thank you

morgause: i haven’t been killed yet

morgana: to your knowledge

morgause: what

.

morgana: just truly bonkers how much i love lying down……..like being horizontal? Unparalleled

.

arthur: when i was younger i really thought that piranhas were going to be a bigger issue for me than they’ve turned out to be

.

morgause: filling out the depression and anxiety checkboxes at the doctors is always so sad but also very very funny

morgause: i am handed a piece of paper. i check off a box that says “every day i wish i were dead”. i hand back the paper. the paper and its contents are never again discussed.

.

morgana: unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, i cannot just “walk up and join the circle of people talking”, but it does sound lovely thank you

.

morgana: if california is so expensive why don’t you move to somewhere like ohio

morgause: full offense but i’d rather be dead in california than alive in ohio

morgause: ugly and uninspiring--review of ohio

.

morgana: staying up late not even fun anymore it’s just sad

.

morgause: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :)

morgause’s brain: except for you

morgause: except for me :)

.

mithian: please peer pressure me into finishing projects

merlin: do it or you’re straight

mithian: i said peer pressure not threaten

.

morgause: the year is 2030. bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. the uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. i go to hug my wife for comfort. she is cake.

morgause: i sob in despair as i eat my cake wife. she is delicious

.

gwen: do ladies love stupid men or do they just love men who don’t exhaust every opportunity to feel smart

gwen: “i used to think that melancholy was a vegetable” that’s incredible, let’s hang out more

.

morgause: basically i accidentally listened to a song a few years ago and it led to this

.

morgana: *desperately tries to romanticise her homework*

.

uther: do i have to be pretty? is it not enough to simply be the loudest person in the room with the worst opinions

.

morgana: oh i can’t possibly study, i have allotted the next six hours to yearning vaguely

.

morgause: allow me to de-introduce myself

morgause: my name is [redacted]

.

arthur: i have no good posts today i’m sorry guys

merlin: haha “today”

.

mordred: “do we perhaps use magic because we were bullied and needed blah blah special interest blah blah” shut the FUCK up i use magic to see my anime husband’s big fucking honkers. sorry you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: i came here to bully people

mordred: is it because you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: no it’s because i’m deranged

.

mithian: pretty sure seven deadly sins is a bit excessive

mithian: just combine wrath and gluttony and make hangry

mithian: sloth and pride make Bottoming

.

morgana: despicable me ruined the word minion whenever i become a supervillain i’m just going to have to call them my homies or whatever

.

gwen: as a bisexual i am attracted to lanky boys with dark hair, girls who look like they could kill me, and anyone wearing vampire teeth

.

morgana: if someone tried to assassinate me that would make me feel so important and valued and beloved

.

gwaine: turn down for whom?

.

mithian: fact: usage of the word “the” has begun to decline. this is because as more and more people become educated, usage of the word “thoum’st” has become more common.

.

morgana, kidnapping mithian in 5x04: truth or dare? uhhh i dare you to………………………………..fall in love with me. haha i’m just joking bro………………..unless…………………………?

.

gwaine: my thoughts are like a clearance sale

gwaine: once it’s gone it’s gone

.

morgana: *pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce” specifically to piss off morgause*

.

gwaine: do you prefer women or men?

leon: death

.

morgause: honestly no offense but i love falling asleep and sleeping. it’s like. ok goodnight

.

morgause: ngl it’s kinda difficult to be the moody and mysterious background character in everyone’s life when you’re quarantined at home

.

morgause: i need to get laid

morgause: --to rest. put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend

.

gwaine: it takes a lot of heart to be this stupid

gwaine: it takes real strength not to know shit about fuck

.

elyan: what’s your favorite anime?

leon: i’m a christian

.

arthur: just bought this tapeworm from etsy!

lancelot: where are you gonna keep it

arthur: :)

merlin: i don’t like this conversion very much

.

gwaine: i’m home alone with the tv repair man

gwaine: i’m no fool, there are only two possible outcomes of this scenario

gwaine: porn or murder

gwaine, an hour later: apparently there was an unforeseen third outcome where he fixes the tv and then leaves

.

morgause: well tomorrow fucking sucked

.

morgana: dark brunch

morgana: *mixes a mimosa with evil intent*

morgause: this is just what being gay is like

.

gwaine: movie idea: guy finds a stone tablet engraved with a mysterious alien language and gets caught up in a national treasure-esque adventure to decipher its meaning, only to learn that it’s just an alien “live laugh love” decoration

.

arthur: sorry i didn’t mean to open your ig story 20 seconds after you posted i’m just unemployed

.

arthur: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgana: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

OR

cenred: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgause: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

.

morgana: wow would you look at that. it’s already that time of the night where i move the stuff on my bed to my chair. can’t wait until tomorrow when i move the stuff from my chair back onto my bed

.

gwaine: hi i’m bethany with girl defined ministry and today we are going to be talking about how to stan my chemical romance in a God-honoring way

.

morgana: bottom: ,,, !!! ;;; vers: …. top: no punctuation whatsoever

morgause: tops are illiterate

.

morgause: i slept for almost 12 hours but i might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case

morgana: morgause that’s a coma

morgause: sounds festive

.

mithian: i am a simple woman. i enter the kitchen. i eat four servings of bread products. i leave.

gwaine: it’s one serving if you serve all of it to yourself

mithian: i like the way you think, friend

.

gwaine: spencer from icarly and rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid are on the opposite ends of the same spectrum

elyan: the gay older brother scale

.

merlin: i found a rock :)

merlin: my troubles will soon be over

gwaine: parasite (2019) dir. bong joon ho

percival: uncut gems (2019) dir. josh and benny safdie

elyan: cain

.

morgana: social distancing is okay for me bc i’ve been touch starved since the 15th century. i’m used to it

.

mithian: fanfiction hits different when you’re gay and yearning and haven’t experienced an ounce of romance in your life

.

morgause: callout for rude baby seen at grocery store

morgause: i’m calling out a baby (approximately 12-14 months old) from the grocery store due to its rudeness. i’m guessing its age based on appearance, motor skills (atrocious) and whatnot. anyway, i smiled at this baby and it just stared at me. as soon as i began to move on, though, the baby said “no!” and started giggling when i turned back around. this happened multiple times. the baby’s actions were toxic and manipulative. the baby was also manhandling a package of dried fruit which wasn’t yet paid for (quite minor) and was just generally sitting around and not helping

.

gwen: we need to melt down all the pennies and make the statue of liberty a girlfriend

.

morgause: had a realization in a dream i just had that this isn’t real and i can just do whatever i want and so i started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small i woke up sleep paralyzed

morgause: i was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing i did was use them to torment the nearest man

morgause: and the actual God woke me up and put be into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what i’ve done

.

morgana: does anyone else feel an awkward tension whenever you see another person your age in the grocery store

.

gwaine: the number 87 kinda looks like a plague doctor

percival: you’ve just changed the fucking game

elyan: [|87

.

morgana: a lonely bitch...a loner...i love isolation AND detachment

.

gwaine: i will not call the judges “your honor”. in america we don’t have titles of nobility. they will get a simple “yes dude” from me

gwaine: calling big bird just “bird” because i do not respect him

.

morgause: *photo of a pizza in a bad* caught the bae sleepin

mordred: now why would you waste a perfectly good pizza :(

morgause: that “waste” happens to be my wife getting her beauty sleep. think before you speak

.

gwaine: *finishes wedding vows* don’t forget to like and subscribe

.

morgana: *is bitter but is also right*

.

morgana: how dare you not notice me when i’m ignoring you

.

morgause, killing cenred: men be like i’m bilingual i speak english and over women

.

gwaine: after i move i really wanna get a used roomba

percival: i love that you’re adopting instead of buying from a breeder

.

mordred: joking about a kink is a gateway drug into developing said kink

morgana: my kink is mental, emotional, and financial stability

morgause: unrealistic, settle for choking like normal people

.

gaius: gay people use halloween props as home decor year round

morgana: shut up shut up this black jar with a raven painted on it is holiday-neutral

.

[texting]

morgause: can you come out?

morgana: yeah gimme a minute

morgana: morgause, i’m gay

morgause: i know that. come out to the car

morgana: car, i’m gay

.

morgause: God FUCKING damnit i’m such a hopeless romantic one day someone’s gonna say “i love you” and i’m just going to let out an agonized scream so horrible that they immediately change their mind

.

gaius: i’m not wearing glasses anymore i’ve seen enough

.

morgause: sorry my battery’s on 96% i gtg

.

morgause: you hate me? wow you think you’re hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so you can go grab a number and wait your turn

.

morgana: don’t ignore me ?? i despise being ignored ?? i mean i’m ignoring like 8 people right now but still ???

.

morgana: shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation

.

morgana: the concept of physical beauty is a scam unless you’re calling me cute in which case it is valid, actually

.

merlin: oh, so when other people go outside it’s “good for their health” and “highly recommended”, it’s only when i do it that it’s a “containment breach” and a “high-level threat to public safety and security”, huh?

.

gwaine: a charming photo of young john mulaney, seemingly celebrating the kennedy assassination

merlin: princess diana wasn’t john mulaney’s first kill

.

morgause: hate when i got out in public and the public is there

morgana: it seems the public is no longer in the public

morgause: i’ve won...but at what cost?

.

morgana: girls will see a chance to commit arson and be like “sorry, i have to take this”

morgause: girls will see a building that’s not on fire and say “is anyone gonna burn that” and not wait for an answer

[neverwatchedonepiece]

609-610: "Luffy Dies from Exposure?! The Spine Chilling Snow Woman Monet" and "Fists Collide! a Battle of the Two Vice Admirals!"

Surrounded by trash, unsure of location or direction. Too real, Luffy. Too real.

I feel like a broken record at the moment but Punk Hazard really is delivering.

Across 609 and 610, we had Law vs Vergo with a surprise interruption by Smoker. Caesar was the subject of unexpected character development. Even Luffy vs Monet had a twist, with Luffy falling into a trash compactor and meeting a tiny talking dragon.

I bet that’s Foxfire’s son. The little dragon had a kid’s voice.

I’m just glad the big dragon the Strawhats roasted wasn’t Momonosuke (@mrkashkiet, I am looking at you sternly. xD)

Law Just Cannot Quit Smoking

And does not want to.

The action picked up with Vergo hoofing it to the SAD Room. Speed lines ahoy!

Inside, Law slowly drew his sword in front of a vast tank of SAD Gas. Not sure what he was planning to do, but let’s not dwell on it, in case his plan was literally explosive.

Vergo appeared at the door. “I feel like my hand has been bitten by my own dog. This is too much even for a mischievous child. You were always too smart for your own good. People like you tend to die young.”

You know, I’m not keen on stoic villain types but I’ve got to admit that Vergo has some killer lines.

“It would be easiest to crush your heart but I won’t do that. I’ll torment you slowly as I please and warp your smart ass face with fear.”

Like I said, good lines.

He wailed on Law with grim purpose to the point I found myself shouting, “Come on, Law! ROOM YOURSELF OUT OF THERE!”  Law was not having a fun time. (Dare I say, he was SAD?)

But his instinct for shit-talking was irrepressible. “Are you guys frustrated because your scheme is coming crashing down? Is this thing that important to you?”

Well, yeah... If Caesar is *the only person* who can make whatever it is that Doflamingo wants, then SAD must be profitable. Profits before pals seems to be Doflamingo’s modus operandi, but I don’t get the feeling Law is all that surprised Vergo is trying to kill him.

Law did fight back. There was an attempt.  He tried to Room his heart back. But Vergo is fast and snatched Law’s heart from the air.

The worst thing, though? Vergo punched Law so hard he lost his hat. That is not cool. It must have riled Law enough for him to try his (awesome) Counter Shock attack. It was big, flashy and high voltage, but it only left Vergo lightly toasted.

Vergo must have decided to kill Law then because he said, “I have a message from Joker. He said, ‘What a shame.’”

Law was weirdly zen about the whole situation. “Oh, well. It didn’t work. I was pretty sure I could take my heart back from Caesar, but I didn’t expect you here, Vergo.”

The lack of -san honorific was the last straw for Vergo. He squeezed Law’s heart like a stress ball. Toei’s red filter descended. Soul-shredding pain was experienced. Law screamed a lot. As you would if your heart was being squeezed by a maniac.

Then, a shaft of light descended from the vaulted heavens.

Except not really because it was Smoker.

It’s almost the same thing.

Vergo was typically cool about the interruption. “I’m in the middle of something. Does it have to be now, Vice-Admiral Smoker?”

And I did a backflip. Yes. Excellent interruption. Great timing, Smoker! Now stop being so fixated on the Big Tanks That Go “Blort” and execute your glorious revenge!

Really, now I think about it, Vergo is almost as bad as Caesar. When Smoker called Vergo out on his deceit and told him not to tell the G5 Men as he was a father figure to them, Vergo said, “Don’t tell me you actually care about those guys? I’m a base commander. I can do whatever I want to my no-good subordinates.” Another one who treats other people as disposable pawns.

Unsurprisingly, Smoker and Vergo came to blows. Smoker seems to be having more luck than Law, but then Vergo does not have Smoker’s heart in a box. What I’d like to happen is Smoker retrieving Law’s heart and they tag-team Vergo into oblivion.

That sounded wrong. But you get what I mean.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Rubbery Hope

How did Luffy end up in the Death Star’s trash compactor? 

His battle with a bird woman from Hoth went south. Literally.

And I cannot believe I am about to say this, but I kind of wish Luffy’s fight with Monet was a little bit longer. Her powers are great. Her self-awareness and cunning are too.

She maintained those ten layer kamakura walls without breaking a sweat. When Luffy smashed one layer, she wrapped another around her frozen prison without missing a beat. Luffy knew she was stalling for time and said he’d just break every layer quicker than she could replace them.

“I bet,” she said. Then swept up behind Luffy and, in an oddly flirty manner, whispered in his ear, “I don’t think I’ll win if I fight you, but the strongest isn’t always the winner in a fight.”

Then she grabbed him and wrapped him, literally, in winter’s embrace. 

That hypothermia power was quite cool (no pun intended). Paired with those desolate, snowy vistas and her eerily calm voice urging Luffy to let go, to sleep, relax and let it be, Monet’s Devil Fruit seems pretty strong to me.

But just as Luffy was about to pass out, Zoro’s voice - the very warning he yelled at Luffy a couple of episodes ago - cut through the darkness. “THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE NEW WORLD!”

I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the blue filtered haki moments. When he sprang up and let loose that Jet Spear attack, I cheered.

Then he fell through the floor into a garbage chute and I laughed.

It was cool, though. He’s rubber. He’d bounce. And sure enough, it wasn’t long before he was raking through broken gadgets for food. At which point a tiny dragon spoke to him and that is where the story ended.

I am now 75% sure that tiny dragon is Momonosuke. It had a kid’s voice. Probably should be a higher percentage than that but I like to hedge my bets, haha.

Chopper Looks Like Every Harried Substitute Teacher Ever

While Luffy was readjusting to life in a trash compactor with a small talking dragon, Monet flapped away to tick off another box on the never ending to do list: securing the Addicted Experiment Kiddies.

Said kiddies were knocking lumps out of Chopper with their ferocious addict strength. He could not restrain them without hurting them. He tried to convince them not to eat the candy. “I know it’s hard but you have to endure it!”

The thing is, Chopper was dealing with a double helping of trouble here. Not only are they kids, who are naturally more self-centred due to their developing brains. They are also addicts who are so far down the rabbit hole of whatever drug Caesar was peddling they’ll do anything for a fix.

When Chopper’s rumble ball wore off, the kids trampled him and thundered straight for the Biscuit Room, where Mocha was waiting alone.

Luckily, he was picked up by Nami, Zoro, Usopp, Robin, Brook and Foxfire. (Do not remember Brownbeard hanging around. Did he leave or did he just not have any lines?) 

Robin tried to restrain the kids. That was interesting for two reasons: one, I didn’t know Robin could feel damage sustained by her extra hands, and two, she asked Usopp and Brook to try and find a pair of Sea Prism Stone cuffs because Luffy had asked her to. (I bet his plan is to cuff Caesar!)

The kids charged Mocha, who tried to tell them the candy was evil! Then Monet whirled into the room on a frosty zephyr. (The best part of this entrance was when Usopp shouted: “I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A BIRD WOMAN!” He was finally vindicated.) 

Yay, thought Mocha. It’s Monet-san. She’s lovely!

Nooooope. Monet told her, in a sweet, ever-so-reasonable voice that it wasn’t nice to keep all the candy for herself. Mocha should share it with the others, like always. Mocha’s little face when she sensed betrayal was just heart-wrenching. “Why?” she whispered.

Because Monet is a nasty piece of work just like Caesar? Just a thought.

Not sure what’s going to happen here. There are a *lot* of Strawhats in the room, so I’m guessing Monet will be defeated by them. Then they’ll push through, deliver the cuffs and - BAM - we have one angry, kidnapped scientist. 

Sanji Acquires Unexpected Fans

This was a short scene but the fact that Sanji has a cadre of devoted fans in the G5 is hilarious. Yeah, he claims he doesn’t want their approval. And he probably doesn’t.

But Sanji cannot stop himself running back to save the poor saps who can be saved.

This is the Sanji I like: surly on the outside with a golden heart on the inside. More, please!

And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to . . .

CAESAR CLOWN!

Seriously.

The yarns this guy can spin could crush the GDP of a small textile-dependent country.

Caesar should run for office somewhere. Then he could appoint himself head of the science department.

For that is exactly what has been bugging him for years, it seems. He wants Vegapunk’s job.

Well... maybe not the job. (He’s getting by just fine thanks to pirates. A Government job would ruin that). It’s the fame and kudos. That’s what he’s after.

Plus he has a weird goal: to achieve world peace by obliterating all sources of conflict - collateral damage be damned. Unless he’s lying about that. Given his oscar-winning performance, that would not surprise me.

The action picked up with Caesar caesaring through a pipe and landing outside the Secret Room (I laughed when I realised everyone on Punk Hazard literally calls it the Secret Room).

He was bitching about having to enter the room because it was Vegapunk’s old office. Still, he claimed it was the only place where he could “pull it off”. (I am unsure why he had to go to Vegapunk’s old office just to close some doors, but I’ll chalk it up to plot and say no more.)

He promised to make Luffy, the Strawhats, G5 and Trafalgar Law pay for ruining his plan. It was all their fault! The experiment could have been a great show - everything perfect and beautiful and befitting of the world’s greatest scientist (Vegapunk says hi!) But they screwed it up. He couldn’t let the Strawhats do as they liked. They’d pushed it a little too far and he has Joker on his back now.

He ordered a minion to close the gates to Buildings C and D. This would lure all survivors into one narrow room. His plan? Trap them in the bottleneck and pump the room full of his poison gas through the air vents. He would broadcast it as a snuff movie for the brokers. That would show them what he was really made of!

But the minions hang on his every word and they caught one small discrepancy.

“Um... did you say that *you* had created the poison gas, Master?”

Caesar’s haughty reply was, “Yes, I did.”

“But it’s like Vegapunk’s gas. It freaks us out.” Understandably, the minions probably have ptsd from four years ago.

The moment when Caesar realised he’d let his ego run away with him and opened his big mouth was glorious. How could he spin this? How? The animators did a great job here. You could see the evil, conniving cogs turning in his mind. 

Then he broke out his Oscar winning performance. 

“This is . . . an avenging battle of science. My people! That day, I tried to stop the mad scientist, Vegapunk. No! If such a weapon exploded, what would happen to the people on the island?” Caesar even threw in a melodramatic “YAMEROOOOO, VEGAPUNK!” for some extra emotional sparkle.

“But the accident happened. And he still lords if over us as the head of the science department of the Marines. and he’s considered the world’s greatest scientist. I cannot tolerate it! He’s the cruel man who hurt you all! Do you think it’s right that people still call him the number one scientist? That’s why I want to prove them all wrong. I didn’t want to make a weapon of mass destruction! But I want to show them that there is a greater scientist here. That I am the greatest scientist in the world! When the Marines acknowledge it and when I become head of the science department, my dream will come true. I can use my scientific knowledge to bring peace to the world!”

I honestly had to stop myself giving Caesar a standing ovation. What a performance that was.

You know, it’s weird. Every lie Caesar told there has a basis in truth. That’s the most dangerous liar right there because the lies they tell are more believable. Does the Gas-Gas Fruit confer gaslighting powers too? Because Caesar is a hellishly efficient manipulator.

And while Caesar was congratulating himself, a flashback happened!

Caesar is Prime Material for /r/IAmVerySmart

Caesar with a bob was weird. I’m guessing when he moved to Punk Hazard, there was a lack of stylists, so he just grew his hair out. That hair you see right now? That is four years of growth.

At any rate, Caesar was doing something a bit more important back in Vegapunk’s lab. He was debating morality with some other scientists. They begged him to stop his experiment. If it exploded, it would kill everyone on the island. 

Caesar was typically receptive to criticism. “STFU, boneheads! Where do you think you are? This is a Marine research facility. They want to kill as many pirates as the can. What they need is a weapon that will do it for them.”

“But they don’t want one that will also kill civilians!”

Caesar’s rebuttal? “It’s called collateral damage! If we blow away everything, we can bring peace to the world.” (Does he genuinely believe that? That’s a properly depressing view of the world he holds there, if true.)

“You’re so...”

Caesar had a, “I’m gonna stop you right there” moment. They wanted to say he was cruel? What a joke. They were using prisoners as guinea pigs as if they were trash. What was the difference? (Fair point, Caesar.) Moreover, Admiral Sengoku was too soft, but Akainu, if he was in charge, *he* would want a weapon Caesar made. (Also interesting. I hope Caesar never decides to change sides again. He would be dangerous in Akainu’s hands.)

He went off on one about how Vegapunk had failed to turn people into giants again. Caesar knows you can’t turn people into giants in a short period of time unless you use magic, so had suggested Vegapunk just kidnap some kids and feed them drugs until something worked. What a lovely idea, Caesar! xD

The flash forward revealed Caesar’s “William Birkin Moment”.

Just as he made a significant discovery, Marines burst in and cuffed him with sea prism stone. Vegapunk himself came to see off his old colleague. I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT HYPED for about half a second. But there was no face. 

Blue balled. Again. xD

Caesar was summarily dismissed from the Science Department. “Your eccentric behaviour is intolerable and I cannot protect you anymore, Caesar.”

Interesting that what the rest of the scientists did was viewed as fine and dandy, but Caesar taking it a step further was regarded as “eccentric”. First off, eccentric is a gross understatement. Secondly, what they’re doing is pretty evil too. Caesar is just overtly, unashamedly amoral. They hide it better.

Suffering such a humiliation, Caesar had his “SCREW YOU!” moment and pushed the big red button. Punk Hazard went up in a Mighty Kaboom-Boom Cloud. 

Still wondering how they all survived that, but I will chalk it up to plot and say no more.

Of course, after Caesar’s theatrics, his minions fell over themselves to apologise. Sorry, Master! You are the saviour, after all.

“Thank you... thank you all,” Caesar simpered, while inside he called them unintelligent fools. So easily manipulated. Dumb as bricks.

This guy needs taking down several pegs. Maybe an entire cloakroom rack.

Luffy, please oblige asap.

Caesar tells a rip-roaring, thigh-slapper of a yo momma joke. 

(No one laughed.)

[friedwizardwhispers]

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!

WHOO!!!

ANN wrote about it, stating that the Fruits Basket Another 4th Volume will be released on February 18th! 😊

[lemonade-clown-official]

Fuck you Michael, with your fruit punch drinking ass.

[robomoboto]

The Ballad of Gay Angels

When you panic, is it a jackrabbit? can’t hide it or fight it get caught up with flightless Internet webcaster call it a fever to fester causes non-sequiters and concern for the bastards needy begging pleading crying father drive faster the only place that can heal me is up this driveway shove aside your bylaws and drylaws and pityfuck lays gotta get that molecule so deep into my brain whether oxytocin hydrocodone weed or meth or being alone osmosis prognosis find it passed your membrane inside your game now not turning back now if this is what’ll heal me give me the effect now He's an impatient man feel better now or never something better gotta make me clever so He can graduate with no kevlar don’t need a thick skin when you’re halfway in Debt up to your knees begging god money please give him drugs give him love fuck it give him a hug He's so stressed it’s coming out his ears gave his mom a fear of God she thinks this will be his downfall But no way no how he's J**** fucking B***man God damn it he deserves better he ain’t no ragdoll heathen drown him or stab him bitch he’ll keep breathing He's dragging oxygen in his lungs cutting the rungs of the ladder below 'im you can blow him it’s all him now he's the free one now look at him up here he swear he higher than you up here umbrella keep him drier than you And he can’t drive and he can’t dive but he can keep going through the motions wish the doctor’d just give him a potion to cure all need something better that ain’t no Demerol man what’s wrong with him? where’s the honesty? lyin to your therapist is not the way to be Like you’re still here but where’s your allure what makes you happy if you’re full of sappy love and you’re spilling it all over him but he still looks done and the pasture ain’t green no more like he’s seen this side of you before Like he’s already seen your core like you’re still here but calling yourself a failure cos it gets late sometimes and the pasture ain’t green no more

Okay well think Ottowa, 2024, he's 24, mostly gay, trying to write screenplays to get laid but all he gets is laid off, bills aint paid off but smoke something cough cough and he's forgotten, he's lost and drifting, kissing meager mists pissing bedsheets washed but not dry now doesn't matter he'd die now lay down and cry now god it feels like he's dying now he knows that phone calls comes soon and when it does it'll fill his room sound bounces off every wall fills it full up better answer the call he says shit, better get this, picks up and shits bricks cos it's his mom, she's on her own now, broke down and clowning around she says can you come get me, son, I thinking it's here that I'm drowning I'm sitting here with this liquor I just keep on downing tried something else but this one I snort and it don't help and it don't get me to work I tell myself maybe I need just a car get myself away so so far but that won't help, keep me away from you more so please come see your mother she is awfully bored

he says mama of course lays a course due south heading out vaguely knows where he's going But to be honest he's decomposing long long ago he got his heart frozen another guy got chosen and there was no one else just a string of bad choices got locked up in a cell went away just 2 years, but boy that was enough come out and everyone sees what's about cos he's a man now, not a kid so sometimes he blows his lid and they hear it clear across town, that he's blown up and tearing it down where that temper come from? you know it's meager crumbs not enough love no one to fit like a glove or a puzzle piece or some shitty cliche but the truth is you feel some type of way feels like everythings gonna be okay and you know you can keep taking on days but he dont have that, not enough so on a whim follow a gust of wind taking him south find the one who set him rattling about tell her off, make her cough, maybe try something new try a different city different country stage a coup

few days later he's there, but it's the desert now used to be the beach but it's better now see the stars every night start a barfight it's new mexico baby who cares about lights? Tracks down an address, gets all nice and dressed up goes in all sweet smiles and fruit punch, but deep down inside he knows he's still a scorpion and she's no where near fast as lightning no poison coursin in so after a while he goes, but hes still smart enough he knows meant the world to her, to see her boy know he's still kicking, ticking big ol windup toy

he says shit, what now keeps going further south hits a border, runs, gets a few miles in then collapses of dry mouth fuck shit is this it? No dipshit hears a wail, a scream, a gunshot crack scrambles up and then back til his back hits the wall, takes a moment to breathe til something beautiful falls he sees the angel in front of him, Order of the goddamn nephilim, offers to change him in exchange for choppin off his wings Fuck it, I'm game, he sees a blinding flash then pain finds himself laid on on the ground no one else around, but when he stands he falls over looks down at his belly, finds a brand burnt flesh marking him the order of nephilim, so he flew heavensent, found his fucking breath again take a break from earthly death again til he finds himself alone, at the end of the world, called his memories pearls, watched the death of the old, carried himself all that way and then starts again yesterday

[gayspock]

2/?? He helps create the grand army of the republic (he knew what he was doing in this) creating a giant ass army. When Jar Jar tries to communicate with jungle natives and dials, they throw a fruit at 3pio and not jar jar because he is such a Dom and they know it that they can't mess with him. The creature in the earlier picture isn't the only one he tames. He gains the control of SEVERAL of those things and they become his bitches.

3/3 At some point in the story, Jar Jar RAMS into a group of pirates' power grid, taking the whole thing down and any attempts to kill him in story are failures (because doms are practically unkillable because of their raw power). This incident: "Binks then punched the trainer and retrieved the lightsaber with his tongue, and returned it to the Jedi Master". When exiled, he becomes a clown & street performer (and most clowns are doms). Jar jar binks is definitely a dom.

alright i can see what youre saying and i an see what youre trying to say . like it’s true jar jar does radiate an obscene power level, and it’s TRUE that he’s someone we should all fear, but that doesnt translate to “he’s a dom” and im gonna explain why with one Quick And Easy Mac and Cheesy Concept for you

Jar Jar Binks is a Powerbottom