#frozenmadonna

[mamasuellen-blog]

INSIDE THE TRAUMA OF CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE.

Feelings and emotions such as fear, self-blame, shame, helplessness, abandonment, anger, humiliation, impotence are fixed in painful memories after experiencing trauma. They are often exposed as adaptive defenses, there is a self-preservation that arises in the subconscious from negative experiences to defend oneself from the situation. This is a pattern that is always activated via a trigger.

This cycle affects others and especially individually. Their poor communication is caused by a lack of security, not knowing how to do this and, above all, past traumas. I know that this is not common among them, as they have already had good communication and a good connection at various times, in periods of security (or not) that they imagined they would have and, even with difficulties, they overcame them, because it was in those moments that they believed and placed trust in each other. This certainty made them stratospheric (levels), they resonated with each other, becoming one.

Metatron appears and this already arouses a certain fear in Crowley, especially after he leaves to talk to Aziraphale. Crowley must have wondered what that meant. Aziraphale comes back and wants to talk about Metatron, and that's when the trigger comes. Crowley tries to express himself, but is interrupted a few times by Aziraphale, who is anxious and tries to warn Crowley of the danger they are in. Crowley doesn't want to know about Metatron and everything else he and heaven represents.

AT THIS TIME, CROWLEY WAS ONLY FOCUSING ON AZIRAPHALE. IN DECLARING. TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH AZIRAPHALE MEANT TO HIM.

Aziraphale exposes Metatron's proposal, which shakes Crowley. Azirapahle has good intentions in wanting to be with Crowley and believes that this Crowley, the demon Crowley, with whom he fell in love, would be happy again if he were close to his creations, nebulae and stars. Azirapahle requested a significant sum for Crowley...

AT THAT MOMENT, AZIRAPAHAEL WAS ONLY FOCUSING ON CROWLEY'S HAPPINESS, ON THE FREEDOM HE WANTS TO ACHIEVE FOR HIM AND THAT TOGETHER THEY ARE STRONGER.

Aziraphale knows about Crowley's traumas in relation to heaven, but forgot, in that small moment of the conversation between them. I do not attribute blame to Aziraphale, it is not wrong to want Crowley by his side and seeing him happy with him. In fact, Crowley was happy in his past with his stars and his creations and to this day Crowley remembers his creations with nostalgia. When Aziraphale says “but much better” he says how they are currently, so close and intimate, without needing to change their personalities, the two of them together in heaven, for eternity. Good communication and security were necessary for this, but they don't know how to communicate and don't have the security to do so.

Aziraphale felt a freedom between them throughout the Second Season, and that's why he called him to go to heaven together. Azirapahle thought that regardless of the place, if they are together there will always be a blue sky for them. Another very similar situation happened at the beginning of the season regarding Gabriel. Aziraphale knew Crowley's opinion in relation to heaven, yet with this freedom he felt, he decided to call him to help him, even without being sure that Crowley would help in relation to Gabriel.

​Returning… The proposal is announced and the imaginary barrier surrounding Crowley begins to rise. This wall does not allow you to see, to experience love. It's not the first time this has happened during an argument between them. Trauma makes his vision limited, only allowing him to see what he wants to see, which is not the truth. This distorted vision is the reason why Crowley is often always anxious for the worst, always thinking that everything is too late, always interpreting things in the wrong way, which prevents him from seeing Aziraphale, whose objective is to protect, give security and eternal love. And if it were to exchange a bookstore (being something material and not durable), Aziraphale would exchange it without thinking twice, just to be with Crowley forever.

Crowley is immediatist, he desperately wants to get out of this, without thinking carefully, without analyzing whether it is safe and, even if they were, what would be the guarantee of safety? And, if Armageddon occurs, everything will be destroyed, including Alpha Centuri. Crowley also loves Earth the same way as Aziraphale and the two are its Guardians. Although the idea of moving away was temporary, he would soon want to return to Earth, since they love it and running away would not solve their problem. I don't blame Crowley for being like this, he is like this because he has gone through great trauma and cannot wait, but it prevents him from seeing clearly.

Aziraphale also feels a lot of this pain, he also wants to get out of it. However, he can only see a solution if it is done gradually, going a long way, analyzing the possibilities, even if this may require sacrifices. He rarely prioritizes his wants, and the same thing happens with Crowley. If Crowley feels guilty for having the courage to declare himself and not receiving the desired response, even more so after the kiss that came as “Desperate measures lead to desperate actions”. Aziraphale also feels guilt for not having behaved the way Crowley deserved, for not being able to give in to the hug and kiss, since he also wanted that. The problem was Metatron, who already knew a lot of information between them and was there, meters away, he could hear them or see them through the window.

If Crowley is afraid of losing Aziraphale and that's why he wants so much to get away from there as quickly as possible, Aziraphale also has this feeling. And deep down he was aware that, sooner or later, their relationship could be damaged due to their partnership. They both have this perception, but without even communicating it, talking about this fear. That's why Aziraphale, in 1967, asked Crowley to slow down their relationship, and he wasn't referring to the car, but rather to his immediacy tendency. Aziraphale wanted to avoid being discovered, so as not to put Crowley in danger. In addition to Aziraphale, who was stolen again and separated against his will, Crowley attributed the separation between them… “No Nightingale” in the same way that Aziraphale did with Crowley in 1 × 06 “It's over!” During arguments, they end up hurting each other. They are the nuclear bomb of communication and the uranium that powers this bomb carries the traumas of heaven and hell. Even though they live on their side, the "us" since the end of 1x06 and away from the systems (heaven and hell) for the last 4 years, proper communication is something completely new and they have no knowledge of how to deal with it, where start, what to say... Wounded people hurt other people, even if they never intend to.

Crowley is now frozen at heart. He falls again and goes deeper into the trauma and in the dark he can't see anything.

Aziraphale is Crowley's LIGHT, just as Crowley is Aziraphale's LIGHT.

In the midst of darkness, Crowley will strive to protect himself, as he no longer wants to be hurt, he is stuck in the past and cannot focus on the present. He has no hope, no expectations and no faith in himself to believe in others. The fear of suffering keeps the heart closed. But that doesn't mean that the hope inside him has died, it's just dormant and will certainly be awakened when they're together and having a good talk about their traumas. I believe that Aziraphale will return to talk, explain better what happened, beg Crowley not to forget them, to have confidence in themselves again and try to listen to their own demons to understand them and learn to deal with them, and of course, request help in relation to Armageddon, but I also believe that Crowley will not want to know any of this, as he is tired of looking for the reason for all this, the reason for the Great Plan and Armageddon. He will turn away from Aziraphale and do everything he can to deny it, knowing that he will not be able to resist it for long, since, deep in the darkness, there is still a LIGHT, the LIGHT that is the part of Aziraphale that is inside him.

Aziraphale had to follow and is determined to win. He didn't want any of that, he didn't want to hurt Crowley, but he was threatened in the conversation with Metatron and that already raised an alarm in him. He chose freedom (since against death, preferring coffee would be the only option) “Give me Coffee or Give me Death”. Staying on Earth or fleeing would put his and Crowley's lives in extreme danger. His names would be taken from the book of life. Metatron wants to separate them, as they are both a threat against Armageddon, after all they are Guardians of humanity, the Earth, the Universe.

Aziraphale's nature is to love, especially to LOVE Crowley. Being a guardian is also part of his essence, he protects those he loves and even those who have done him harm and this is not a sign of weakness, but rather a matter of being kind to others and acting in accordance with what is right. Aziraphale returns to heaven hurt, heartbroken. He continues with the traumas of the past, his inner demons will manifest and he will need to learn to deal with them, with determination and courage. Aziraphale has to remain persistent to face the great difficulties that lie ahead. He believes he will get them the necessary freedom they need. Despite being far away, it is in his thoughts of Crowley, in the love he has for Crowley that the path will be illuminated, it is this LIGHT that Aziraphale will find to maintain his strength and overcome difficulties. He can't give up. It is because of having faith in their God Crowley that he will continue, it is for the Earth that is their home, it is for the protection of all Crowley's creations. If Armageddon happens, all of this will disappear and Aziraphale will never allow it.

I believe that Aziraphale will have to deal with his demons sooner than Crowley in season 3. He will realize that this cycle is self-destructive and, if Crowley remains in this situation, he will lose himself for good. They are each other's complement and if that doesn't exist, nothing will exist (and when I say that absolutely nothing would exist, I'm even referring to the universe that surrounds them, as they are part of the force of balance that maintains everything). Azi will understand his traumas and change the way he sees the past, reflecting on the present and having better perspectives for the future. Of course, he will also need to talk to Crowley and both will resolve many internal issues between them and Crowley will identify, learn about his traumas and how to deal with them. Aziraphale knows that Crowley has trauma from the fall, and if he could take that pain away, he would have already done so. Azirapahle will have a new perspective on his pain, even allowing a deeper understanding of Crowley's suffering, since Crowley is maximizing his traumas, with no prospects for improvement for himself, other than suffering and punishment.

Individually and together, they will grow, become aware of their pain, learn to deal with it and focus on the now, staying in the present and isolating the problems of the past, focusing only on the good things they deserve. The long-awaited hug between them will be the key point, one of the greatest moments of delivery “I feel you feeling me.” I feel every micromolecule in your body, I feel you. And you can feel me too. The barriers that prevent the perception of what we really deserve will not exist, there will only be space for love, for the “us” that has always been there, in happiness and pain, but that this time will resonate completely, because they are each other's key

[theresacarmoneysworld]

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