mamasuellen-blog

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Spinning standee to let them dance for ever 💃🕺

You can get one here !

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Time to reveal one of the secret illustrations I made specially for Good Omens Artbook ✨

I love to imagine Crowley and Aziraphale looking from the clouds on the city that keeps so many of their shared memories 🤍🖤

Drawing the London view from above the clouds was challenging, but so much fun! All these little lanterns and windows shining in the twilight 🌟

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nanny ashtoreth’s beauty deserves flowers

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Let's remind the world that Good Omens is Terry's too. It's MOSTLY Terry's, even.

Terry was taken from us way too soon. Let's not allow his last wish and last story to suffer the consequences of one man's actions. Terry had nothing to do with them.

Let's finish this for Terry.

Tweet by the amazing @captainfantasticalright

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Do it for Terry 🤍

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Commissioned by @emanuelachan to sketch what happened next after this. The key word was gentle!

Thanks for commissioning me ❤️

Commissions still available! Message me to reserve your spot.

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Oo-oh

I am the sand in bottom half of the hourglass...

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Pqp que coisa lindaaaa

Creator of the concept of "Black Sheep" 🐍

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Running to catch the train (Dec. 2023)

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Idolaters

Take not mercy on the idolaters, Lord, for they are saints yet crave for Darkness, for they are devils yet worship Light.

Another double-composition experiment because they are fun to plan, said no sane person ever.

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Wow, this is amazing. It's really cool that more people in the fandom think like this. I love theories and last year I made a huge goal that still needs corrections about a theory that a single memory was taken from Aziraphale or Crowley or both together. This theory had subdivisions. the 1st is that a single memory was taken from Aziraphale, and Crowley could have done it or even Aziraphale, and the words to make him remember are Professor Holffman's magic words "banana, fish, gorilla, shoelace… " And Crowley almost spoke the correct sequence of words in 1x01. These words are repeated several times in the series and if I'm not mistaken, some of these words are also in the book. What do they hide? Aziraphale is a magician and magicians know how to make things disappear, right? If any memory was removed for their safety and stored somewhere, it could even be inside Professor Holffman's book, it could be inside a book in Aziraphale's library. The books are quite important in the series, right? In the s02 poster, we have Crowley behind a bookshelf full of books and this is precisely the pose he takes when saying goodbye to Aziraphale in 2x06. (why a bookcase behind Crowley?) Does Crowley have to look for something inside a book? It could be a hollow book (it could also be about the theory of the book of life) but it could also be to remember certain magical words that could hold a single special memory between Crowley and Aziraphale. Aziraphale may have done this to himself. What would be quite painful, but more painful than that, would be losing the love of your life, Crowley. We know that love does not go away, not even with memory removed, the love within Gabriel for Belzeebub did not go away. Crowley could have done this to Aziraphale, which would also be very painful, but even more painful would be losing Aziraphale. They need to protect themselves, they have kept secrets forever. Another subdivision of the theory is that Metatron himself did this against Crowley and Aziraphale in the past. Metatron said he was once on earth. It remains to be seen when he was on earth. Did he take away any memories of Aziraphale? Didn't he give severe punishments because God didn't allow it? Or he sent this task to some angel who failed in his mission and did not remove all of Aziraphale's memories, just a part of it at the time of 1941. Another subdivision of this theory is that Crowley and Aziraphale promised never to touch the subject again and never again come close to a kiss again, just to keep them safe and that's why it took Aziraphale so long to meet Crowley again (1978?) Aziraphale showed up because Crowley was putting his life in danger because of stealing the holy water from the church. If Crowley hadn't done it, Aziraphale might have taken longer to find him, just to keep his distance and try to forget something he knows he can't go against, his love for Crowley. Aziraphale would not allow Crowley to be disintegrated and appeared to deliver the holy water to safety.

Bullet Theory

Thesis: Crowley passed Aziraphale a bullet during the Final Fifteen kiss. This bullet contains his memories. He tucked it under his tongue, then began to access the memories during the ride up the elevator.

Proof:

Glint in the mouth

Inspo credit to this post by @somehow-a-human

Yeah so we were already paying way too much attention to that very special four-letter word we thought Aziraphale was going to say, but it so happens that during that cut-off phoneme is the only time you can see this shiny object in his mouth. (catching this on the right frame was emotionally painful and I’m sending Gavin Finney my therapy bills (actually no I’m not I love you very much sir)).

So that’s the basis of this theory. Crowley passed Aziraphale a bullet that he then tucks under his tongue.

Add’l Evidence Post-Kiss

Aziraphale works his jaw after raising his fingers to his lips: [gif]

Then when the Metatron comes in, he turns his back on the Metatron and raises his hand. I originally thought he was wiping his eyes. Now I think he’s raising his hand to his mouth, maybe to spit out the bullet, maybe to make sure it’s secured under his tongue.

Credits Scene

Aziraphale has the craziest fucking look on his face through the credits, we can all agree. But towards the end, his eyes flicker back and forth, as if he is watching or reading something. Then he smiles. I hypothesize that he is still accessing his memories during this time, and getting the information he needs to [redacted].

Thematic Justification: The Bullet Catch

Aziraphale having a bullet in his mouth as part of a two-man act of deception is not a fresh concept by the time we get to The Final Fifteen.

Additionally, the use of surreptitious modes of communication, where messages are passed from person to person inaudabily, is introduced in this same magic trick. 

NB1: I wish I could credit the person who I first saw point this out (relatively recently). It wasn’t even tagged as meta, I don’t think. But the gist was there’s some parallelism between “aim for my mouth but shoot past my ear” and the “pin the lips on the lips” move that Crowley pulls in the Final Fifteen. If I find it I will properly cite.

NB2: One hypothesis that has circulated around, I think creditable to @sendarya, is that Aziraphale mouths “trust me” to Crowley just before he gets on the elevator. This isn’t necessary to the Bullet Theory but it would be thematically consistent.

Small objects carry memories

Why a bullet? Well, it’s a small object that has meaningful significance between the pair of people involved, much like:

Beelzebub introduces us to the idea that a small object like a fly can be used as a storage container for memories. We also see that the object entering the body of the person is a viable way for the memories to be delivered.

(btw Jon Hamm if you’re reading this, you have very pretty eyes)

“I keep a derringer in a hollowed out book”

K, so it’s not like Crowley is just carrying a bullet loaded with Aziraphale’s memories around with him at all times, is it? (I mean, it could be, but probably not. I’ll just point you to this meta for my theories on why, if Crowley had anything that needed to be kept safe, he would keep it in the bookshop.)

We learn in S2E4 that Aziraphale keeps a gun in a hollowed out book somewhere in the shop. A gun wouldn’t be any good without bullets, right? This may not be the reason the derringer was left as a Chekhov’s Gun for S3, but it’s a possibility. If Crowley wasn’t already in possession of a bullet, he knew that he could find one in the shop. Even more likely, the exact bullet used in the 1941 magic trick is a precious keepsake being kept somewhere in the bookshop, and Crowley chose to use that exact bullet because of the memories already directly attached to the object.

Why Aziraphale even has memories to be returned to him

We know that Aziraphale could have had his mind wiped because Heaven has done it before. Certainly once. Probably twice. We know this because when Metatron is announcing that Gabriel, alongside having his memories erased, is being demoted to 38th class, Muriel pipes up and reminds us that she is 37th class:

So this wasn’t a “just Gabriel” thing. Mind-wiping is a routine form of personnel management in Heaven. There is NO reason for us to believe that it didn’t happen to Aziraphale. But in case you need a reason to believe it, here goes:

We know from our interactions with Jim that the person whose memories are missing (1) doesn’t necessarily know and (2) isn’t necessarily distressed by that fact, even if they do. Muriel also fits this “cheerful empty shell” archetype. You know who else does? Ding ding ding. The one and only A. Z. “wiggles with delight” Fell.

I can already hear your very valid counter-argument. This guy is actually terrified out of his mind on any given day that his romance with a demon will be discovered. Yes. Because he’s involved in a romance with a demon. The other two angels we’ve met don’t have this issue. Beyond that, though, these three characters share more in common with each other disposition-wise than any of them do with the other angels we’ve met (Uriel, Michael, Sandolphon, etc.).

We also know that Aziraphale has been [demoted] at some point from Cherub to Principality. This is book canon: 

"Technically Aziraphale was a Principality, but people made jokes about that these days."

This has also been confirmed (insofar as Neil Gaiman ever confirms anything) by Word of God:

(marketing video screengrab clipped for brevity)

We don’t know for sure it was a demotion, but I think we have enough evidence to infer that with a high degree of confidence.

Anyways.

Summary: Aziraphale is a cheerful angel who was demoted and has a name that is not biblical canon. This evidence indicates that was probably mind-wiped. This is not the first time I’m proposing this. It won’t be the last.

How Crowley Did It

My meta on Continuity Errors gives the complete proof for why I believe that Crowley is able to stop time without Aziraphale knowing, and I propose in that meta that the kiss was a cover-up for the exertion of effort necessary to pull that off. I further proposed that during the pause, he retrieved something from the bookshop. At the time of writing, I didn’t know what. Now, I have an inkling that it was a bullet.

If you need a refresher on Clock Theory, here’s one. The idea is that the clock behind Aziraphale shifts by fifteen minutes from before the kiss to after the kiss. This is consistent with a theory that Crowley paused time (but the clock kept running) in order to retrieve the bullet, dump Aziraphale’s memories into it if he hadn’t already, and then return to transfer the bullet to Aziraphale.

Why Crowley Kept the Secret So Long

As with Continuity Errors, I am ending this meta with a very unsatisfactory “I don’t know.” The motivation for Crowley to keep Aziraphale’s memories from him until the very moment he’s about to leave must have been a strong one. I think it has something to do with why Crowley was so insistent on trying to get Aziraphale to run away with him, instead of dealing with whatever’s coming. But as with Continuity Errors, I suspect that the good omens meta hivemind (and the vast collection of people who are posting clues, you have no idea how important you are) will assemble yet more breadcrumbs that we can follow to some sort of hypothesis.

Until then,

iv

(here's my meta index if you would like to read more stuff like this)

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Sun and Moon: Union of harmony and balance. Yin-Yang ☯️

This scene makes me think of a Lunar Eclipse, which is the phenomenon when two Astros along with the Earth are millimetrically aligned, in balance and perfect complement between them. This is when the Earth is between the Sun and the full Moon. The Full Moon causes the phenomenon of the Lunar Eclipse to occur.

We also know that if the Sun did not exist, the Earth would go extinct in a short time and If the Moon did not exist, the conditions on Earth would be too drastic to survive.

Crowley and Aziraphale are the Astros who keep the earth safe, they are the ones who protect it from the danger of Armageddon.

Yin and Yang: Moon and Sun embrace.

They are two complementary and opposing forces that are found in all things and that interact with each other to maintain balance and harmony in the Universe.

Crowley and Aziraphale are also Yin-yang. Together they represent two complementary opposing forces, one cannot exist without the other and there is always a little of one in the other. And together in this relationship, they become involved in forming the Shades of Gray.

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At the dawn of time, in the primordial ether of the gestating Universe, two angels met for the first time. One of them, a celestial architect of light and wisdom, who was assigned a task, sought help in bringing order to the intertwined chaos around him. Until an angel full of compassion, radiant with pure light appears upon hearing the urgent call. He was the only angel who extended his hand in help, among several other angels who were passing by.

Together, the two angels, as big as the Universe at that moment, began the operation of the machine for the construction of all existing matter, energy, space and time.

They shared their infinite existences at the dawn of time, facing the immense vastness of the cosmos in their cradle, united by a grand, divine purpose, which united them in an eternal bond.

When Earth emerged as an oasis of life amidst the cosmos, they met again. One remained in his angelic nature radiating an aura of goodness, while the other, once an angel, had been cast into the depths of darkness, transformed into a demon by divine and until further notice, unjust whims.

Despite the differences that now separated them, the bond between them remained unbreakable and as time passed on Earth, a powerful and forbidden passion blossomed between the two beings, overcoming barriers, going against, defying prejudices, Celestial and Infernal laws.

When the Earth and the Universe faced imminent threat of destruction, this strong love between them that only expanded, like the expanding universe they started, this strong love became the driving force that drove them to fight. With courage and sacrifices, they became guardians destined to protect all that was sacred and precious. Their transcendent love not only saved the Earth, which is their home, but also saved the cosmic balance of the Universe. It's as if Aziraphale and Crowley were destined for this, destined to be together, destined for this powerful love, as if it was written in the stars from the beginning of time. And that is ineffable.

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The love that Aziraphale feels for Crowley is infinite. It's like being surrounded by an aura of this strong feeling, a comforting warmth around you. It is a love so vast and powerful that it cannot be contained and invades every space, filling everything like a promise of an eternal bond. It is so potent within him to the point that Aziraphale's body acts deliberately, going in search of this intense and magnetic energy that emanates from the Center of the Universe that is Crowley. Aziraphale has within him a true cosmos, an entire universe that expands infinitely. They have a love that transcends the limits of human understanding and I believe even transcends the laws of the Universe. An ineffable love.

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Aziraphale's Diary in Crowley's hands

Aziraphale keeps a personal diary, in which he recounts his experiences, ideas, adventures, feelings and desires that he wants to fulfill with Crowley. A diary that also narrates her deepest pains, her questions, her religious guilt and, above all, her fear of losing Crowley to hell or heaven because of her love. This diary is a testament to how much Aziraphale loves Crowley and wants to protect him at all costs.

Aziraphale needs to write, he needs to remove the weight from his shoulders through writing. This is beneficial for him, as he is able to maintain emotional control, which helps him understand and organize his thoughts in relation to the events he has experienced.

I'm not saying that this is the only way Aziraphale expresses his emotions. Aziraphale is always expressing his emotions and this is quite extensive in the series. Aziraphale understands and consoles Crowley's pain, understands and accepts other opinions. He questions himself about what it means to be an angel, he shows concern for others, he is confident in what he believes, he has love for others, he has empathy, hope and he feels such an intense love for Crowley that it is impossible to control. That's why he narrates in his diary about his feelings, his love, as a way of dealing with it, as a way of calming him down.

Crowley knows that Aziraphale loves him, that he likes him, but sometimes I wonder if Crowley has doubts about this, about the strong love that Aziraphale has for him, because even Crowley has his fluctuations and this is due to his traumas, which prevent him from seeing things clearly, he has doubts whether he is worthy of love or not. There are examples of this in the series, such as in 1862, when Aziraphale is afraid of losing Crowley's existence because of holy water. Crowley, with his anxiety, ends up misinterpreting things and thinks it's all about heaven and not about Aziraphale being afraid of losing him. Furthermore, their conversation is not so clear, but the point is that Crowley did not realize Aziraphale's fear twice. Nina talked about them, which led Crowley to question about Aziraphale's love, about their love. Later, Nina and Maggie talked about it again, which motivated him to feel encouraged and speak out. Crowley and Aziraphale know that they talked about almost everything during their existence on earth, even if in codes due to a lack of adequate security for good communication, but they never spoke openly about their traumas and especially about their feelings, in a way that would make each other feel the other, in a visceral and organic way.

Aziraphale's diary has already appeared in the series and I have no doubt that it will return in season 3. I have a great interest in this diary being in Crowley's hands, but I'm not sure how that could happen in the series. Perhaps Crowley returns to the bookstore to look for something relevant that he forgot there and sees the diary on Aziraphale's bedside, arousing his curiosity.

Crowley misses Aziraphale and, therefore, will not resist the temptation to read the diary. Crowley will discover that Aziraphale is going through the same heartbreaking anguish as him, the fear that this love will bring them danger. I can imagine Crowley reading Aziraphale's pains, Azirpahle's desire to touch him, hug him and kiss him. The desire that, if he could, he would alleviate all of Crowley's pain and trauma.

I can imagine Crowley reading from Aziraphale's diary...

7 May 1967

Dear Diary, yesterday, I found Crowley in Soho. The reason for looking for him was an urgent situation, which threatened his existence. I discovered that he intended to steal holy water from a church. Even though so much time has passed, I'm still afraid of losing him to something that could completely destroy him, but I can't allow him to take risks alone, I never will. So I handed him an unopened bottle with the purest holy water in existence. After so many years, my opinion has not changed, but I trust him completely and am confident that he will not open the bottle. I won't forgive myself if something terrible happens to you, especially because of me. As thanks, Crowley offered me a ride, an escape to somewhere. I would have accepted immediately if we had security for it, a place where we could be together without fear. However, as much as my heart cried out for this connection, my mind was flooded with worries and fears from the past. I know that my feeling could put us in danger again, and the weight of the consequences is too overwhelming. Every time I see Crowley, it's like a constant reminder of an internal battle that seems to have no end. The objective of my desire, an unattainable mirage that torments me day and night throughout my existence. I'm afraid I'll lose Crowley forever if I dare express my feelings. The mere idea of losing the love of my life is enough to freeze my heart in a state of pure agony... It's so unbearably unbearable... It's like a cruel paradox, wanting something with all your strength and at the same time fear the consequences. It hurt me to see that Crowley had a sad smile on his lips because I hadn't accepted his ride. I felt a stab of pain deep in my chest. I knew I had made the right choice, but that didn't make the goodbye any less painful. As I write these words, I carry the weight of a decision that could have changed the course of our lives. But I also hope that, one day, when time and circumstances allow, we will be able to meet again and perhaps go to the Ritz like we always did. Sometimes I wonder if Crowley feels love for me, I mean, I know he likes me, but I wonder if he wants me as much as I do, if he wants to kiss me, hug me. Oh, Crowley, my love, I want this so much, but I'm afraid. I am plunged into a self-destructive maze, where every step towards that love is overshadowed by fears and insecurities. Oh God, I just wish I had the freedom to live something so pure with my love. I know that one day I won't be able to hold it anymore, I feel that sooner or later I might lose him again, and just the thought tears me up inside..., but I won't run away from the fight, even if I have to suffer . I promised myself to protect you forever, even if I have to sacrifice my existence, even if I have to fight against hell and heaven together.

11 April 2021

Dear diary, Today, finally, after a few years, I visited our Chalet again. When I opened the door, I was enveloped by a love that I can't even explain where it came from. A soft light came through the left window, welcoming me, hugging me warmly, almost as if you were there, I thought with a laugh. Whenever I go to the Chalet it's an indescribable emotion, realizing that that place, that wooden and stone Chalet, is much more than just a property; It's the home I always dreamed of for us. The place is quite dusty, but nothing that a miracle can't solve. As I watched the light dance across the floor, I felt such hope, I felt like I was witnessing destiny itself unfold before me. I vividly imagined the two of us dancing in the middle of the room, twirling and laughing like there was no tomorrow. The soft sound of birds in the garden will be our soundtrack as we lose ourselves in each other's arms. Ah, Crowley, I long for the day when I can tell you about the acquisition of that beautiful Cottage on the South Downs, and I hope that one day we can live there together. I may not have told you yet, but I imagined you being surprised by the news, but then immediately accepting it with a beautiful smile. I imagined you offering me a ride and I accepted with great satisfaction, because, on this day, we will be going home. I imagined the two of us in the kitchen preparing dumplings, I imagined you and me in our garden drinking wine in the moonlight. I imagined you in our bed, waking up to birdsong, in fact, I imagined you with messy hair and you looked beautiful. I hope all this imagination becomes our reality one day. I have faith in this, I have faith in you Crowley, in us.

​

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INSIDE THE TRAUMA OF CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE.

Feelings and emotions such as fear, self-blame, shame, helplessness, abandonment, anger, humiliation, impotence are fixed in painful memories after experiencing trauma. They are often exposed as adaptive defenses, there is a self-preservation that arises in the subconscious from negative experiences to defend oneself from the situation. This is a pattern that is always activated via a trigger.

This cycle affects others and especially individually. Their poor communication is caused by a lack of security, not knowing how to do this and, above all, past traumas. I know that this is not common among them, as they have already had good communication and a good connection at various times, in periods of security (or not) that they imagined they would have and, even with difficulties, they overcame them, because it was in those moments that they believed and placed trust in each other. This certainty made them stratospheric (levels), they resonated with each other, becoming one.

Metatron appears and this already arouses a certain fear in Crowley, especially after he leaves to talk to Aziraphale. Crowley must have wondered what that meant. Aziraphale comes back and wants to talk about Metatron, and that's when the trigger comes. Crowley tries to express himself, but is interrupted a few times by Aziraphale, who is anxious and tries to warn Crowley of the danger they are in. Crowley doesn't want to know about Metatron and everything else he and heaven represents.

AT THIS TIME, CROWLEY WAS ONLY FOCUSING ON AZIRAPHALE. IN DECLARING. TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH AZIRAPHALE MEANT TO HIM.

Aziraphale exposes Metatron's proposal, which shakes Crowley. Azirapahle has good intentions in wanting to be with Crowley and believes that this Crowley, the demon Crowley, with whom he fell in love, would be happy again if he were close to his creations, nebulae and stars. Azirapahle requested a significant sum for Crowley...

AT THAT MOMENT, AZIRAPAHAEL WAS ONLY FOCUSING ON CROWLEY'S HAPPINESS, ON THE FREEDOM HE WANTS TO ACHIEVE FOR HIM AND THAT TOGETHER THEY ARE STRONGER.

Aziraphale knows about Crowley's traumas in relation to heaven, but forgot, in that small moment of the conversation between them. I do not attribute blame to Aziraphale, it is not wrong to want Crowley by his side and seeing him happy with him. In fact, Crowley was happy in his past with his stars and his creations and to this day Crowley remembers his creations with nostalgia. When Aziraphale says “but much better” he says how they are currently, so close and intimate, without needing to change their personalities, the two of them together in heaven, for eternity. Good communication and security were necessary for this, but they don't know how to communicate and don't have the security to do so.

Aziraphale felt a freedom between them throughout the Second Season, and that's why he called him to go to heaven together. Azirapahle thought that regardless of the place, if they are together there will always be a blue sky for them. Another very similar situation happened at the beginning of the season regarding Gabriel. Aziraphale knew Crowley's opinion in relation to heaven, yet with this freedom he felt, he decided to call him to help him, even without being sure that Crowley would help in relation to Gabriel.

​Returning… The proposal is announced and the imaginary barrier surrounding Crowley begins to rise. This wall does not allow you to see, to experience love. It's not the first time this has happened during an argument between them. Trauma makes his vision limited, only allowing him to see what he wants to see, which is not the truth. This distorted vision is the reason why Crowley is often always anxious for the worst, always thinking that everything is too late, always interpreting things in the wrong way, which prevents him from seeing Aziraphale, whose objective is to protect, give security and eternal love. And if it were to exchange a bookstore (being something material and not durable), Aziraphale would exchange it without thinking twice, just to be with Crowley forever.

Crowley is immediatist, he desperately wants to get out of this, without thinking carefully, without analyzing whether it is safe and, even if they were, what would be the guarantee of safety? And, if Armageddon occurs, everything will be destroyed, including Alpha Centuri. Crowley also loves Earth the same way as Aziraphale and the two are its Guardians. Although the idea of moving away was temporary, he would soon want to return to Earth, since they love it and running away would not solve their problem. I don't blame Crowley for being like this, he is like this because he has gone through great trauma and cannot wait, but it prevents him from seeing clearly.

Aziraphale also feels a lot of this pain, he also wants to get out of it. However, he can only see a solution if it is done gradually, going a long way, analyzing the possibilities, even if this may require sacrifices. He rarely prioritizes his wants, and the same thing happens with Crowley. If Crowley feels guilty for having the courage to declare himself and not receiving the desired response, even more so after the kiss that came as “Desperate measures lead to desperate actions”. Aziraphale also feels guilt for not having behaved the way Crowley deserved, for not being able to give in to the hug and kiss, since he also wanted that. The problem was Metatron, who already knew a lot of information between them and was there, meters away, he could hear them or see them through the window.

If Crowley is afraid of losing Aziraphale and that's why he wants so much to get away from there as quickly as possible, Aziraphale also has this feeling. And deep down he was aware that, sooner or later, their relationship could be damaged due to their partnership. They both have this perception, but without even communicating it, talking about this fear. That's why Aziraphale, in 1967, asked Crowley to slow down their relationship, and he wasn't referring to the car, but rather to his immediacy tendency. Aziraphale wanted to avoid being discovered, so as not to put Crowley in danger. In addition to Aziraphale, who was stolen again and separated against his will, Crowley attributed the separation between them… “No Nightingale” in the same way that Aziraphale did with Crowley in 1 × 06 “It's over!” During arguments, they end up hurting each other. They are the nuclear bomb of communication and the uranium that powers this bomb carries the traumas of heaven and hell. Even though they live on their side, the "us" since the end of 1x06 and away from the systems (heaven and hell) for the last 4 years, proper communication is something completely new and they have no knowledge of how to deal with it, where start, what to say... Wounded people hurt other people, even if they never intend to.

Crowley is now frozen at heart. He falls again and goes deeper into the trauma and in the dark he can't see anything.

Aziraphale is Crowley's LIGHT, just as Crowley is Aziraphale's LIGHT.

In the midst of darkness, Crowley will strive to protect himself, as he no longer wants to be hurt, he is stuck in the past and cannot focus on the present. He has no hope, no expectations and no faith in himself to believe in others. The fear of suffering keeps the heart closed. But that doesn't mean that the hope inside him has died, it's just dormant and will certainly be awakened when they're together and having a good talk about their traumas. I believe that Aziraphale will return to talk, explain better what happened, beg Crowley not to forget them, to have confidence in themselves again and try to listen to their own demons to understand them and learn to deal with them, and of course, request help in relation to Armageddon, but I also believe that Crowley will not want to know any of this, as he is tired of looking for the reason for all this, the reason for the Great Plan and Armageddon. He will turn away from Aziraphale and do everything he can to deny it, knowing that he will not be able to resist it for long, since, deep in the darkness, there is still a LIGHT, the LIGHT that is the part of Aziraphale that is inside him.

Aziraphale had to follow and is determined to win. He didn't want any of that, he didn't want to hurt Crowley, but he was threatened in the conversation with Metatron and that already raised an alarm in him. He chose freedom (since against death, preferring coffee would be the only option) “Give me Coffee or Give me Death”. Staying on Earth or fleeing would put his and Crowley's lives in extreme danger. His names would be taken from the book of life. Metatron wants to separate them, as they are both a threat against Armageddon, after all they are Guardians of humanity, the Earth, the Universe.

Aziraphale's nature is to love, especially to LOVE Crowley. Being a guardian is also part of his essence, he protects those he loves and even those who have done him harm and this is not a sign of weakness, but rather a matter of being kind to others and acting in accordance with what is right. Aziraphale returns to heaven hurt, heartbroken. He continues with the traumas of the past, his inner demons will manifest and he will need to learn to deal with them, with determination and courage. Aziraphale has to remain persistent to face the great difficulties that lie ahead. He believes he will get them the necessary freedom they need. Despite being far away, it is in his thoughts of Crowley, in the love he has for Crowley that the path will be illuminated, it is this LIGHT that Aziraphale will find to maintain his strength and overcome difficulties. He can't give up. It is because of having faith in their God Crowley that he will continue, it is for the Earth that is their home, it is for the protection of all Crowley's creations. If Armageddon happens, all of this will disappear and Aziraphale will never allow it.

I believe that Aziraphale will have to deal with his demons sooner than Crowley in season 3. He will realize that this cycle is self-destructive and, if Crowley remains in this situation, he will lose himself for good. They are each other's complement and if that doesn't exist, nothing will exist (and when I say that absolutely nothing would exist, I'm even referring to the universe that surrounds them, as they are part of the force of balance that maintains everything). Azi will understand his traumas and change the way he sees the past, reflecting on the present and having better perspectives for the future. Of course, he will also need to talk to Crowley and both will resolve many internal issues between them and Crowley will identify, learn about his traumas and how to deal with them. Aziraphale knows that Crowley has trauma from the fall, and if he could take that pain away, he would have already done so. Azirapahle will have a new perspective on his pain, even allowing a deeper understanding of Crowley's suffering, since Crowley is maximizing his traumas, with no prospects for improvement for himself, other than suffering and punishment.

Individually and together, they will grow, become aware of their pain, learn to deal with it and focus on the now, staying in the present and isolating the problems of the past, focusing only on the good things they deserve. The long-awaited hug between them will be the key point, one of the greatest moments of delivery “I feel you feeling me.” I feel every micromolecule in your body, I feel you. And you can feel me too. The barriers that prevent the perception of what we really deserve will not exist, there will only be space for love, for the “us” that has always been there, in happiness and pain, but that this time will resonate completely, because they are each other's key

[mamasuellen-blog]

On how Crowley and Aziraphale's dynamic shifted in s2:

Okay so I was inspired by this lovely post by @rebeccasteventaylor which I couldn't find the link to in order to reblog directly, but if anyone has a link to it pls I'd love to put it here:

Anyway, while I absolutely 100% agree with @rebeccasteventaylor 's meta, I have to point out that s2 shifted it a little. Especially for Aziraphale.

We don't see him looking away trying to hide his heart eyes anymore as he used to do in s1 (we all remember the "smitten" scene, only to cite ONE). Compare the little breath of lust from the Bastille (when he looks away twice) to the "don't hesitate to ask me if you have any questions about love" one.

In s2, he touches Crowley like crazy. He touches his chest, his hand, his back, asks him to dance, gives him a whole ass cotillion ball.

He was deliberately and explicitly pursuing Crowley this season. If s1 was all Crowley pursuing Aziraphale, s2 was all Aziraphale pursuing Crowley.

And Crowley seemed to either not notice or not acknowledge that Aziraphale was doing that (the way he said Aziraphale only has 3 reasons to call him still drives me crazy. Crowley ffs those were ALL the reasons there is to call someone. He's ALWAYS thinking of calling YOU).

I think Crowley was afraid. Probably for the same reason he never told Aziraphale he was homeless. Which is sad and kinda doesn't make sense at first bc this is all Crowley has ever wanted, right?

Until we remember the last time Crowley let himself love and be loved freely, he was cast away (yes, the Fall). He lost everything bc he wasn't worthy according to some crazy criteria. Apparently he doesn't even know what he DID exactly.

I wonder if Crowley thinks he's not worthy of Aziraphale. I wonder if that's why he refused to see their love for centuries until Nina threw it at his face (Nina LITERALLY doing the Lord's work). I wonder if he's afraid of loving and letting himself be loved and then losing it again. Afraid of daring to ASK and losing everything. Again.

And Crowley wasn't *happy* this season, even with their freedom. I wonder if Aziraphale was mistakenly arriving at the conclusion that he was not enough to make Crowley happy. That him alone would never make Crowley smile the way he did when creating nebulae.

These 4 years were breathing space between the two "wars", according to Crowley himself in s1. And I think Crowley doesn't deal well with their relationship in a calm environment. He only knows how to make grand gestures, and heroic rescues, and go fast and act on impulse because then he doesn't have to THINK. Once he needs to sit down and make a commitment (telling Aziraphale he's homeless for ex), he just STOPS, he can't.

Aziraphale was the opposite. The calmness without any danger was giving him all the space he needed to act on his feelings, while the sense of danger always made him enter denial mode (which ironically seemed to be Crowley's mode in s2).

Of course they still need to put a name on what they are and stop pretending, Nina was absolutely right (and Crowley did catch up on that faster in those last 15min), maybe Aziraphale was still lacking this bit even if he was pursuing Crowley, but we can't deny that until those last 15min the "us" was coming from Aziraphale.

It's sad to realise that unconsciously, without even noticing, Crowley was rejecting Aziraphale almost the whole season.

UNTIL suddenly there's a huge problem, a desperate situation and he wants to abandon everything, take Aziraphale and run away again! (his original plan wasn't even to run away, it was to go to the Ritz). And who can blame him after what happened when he Fell? The Fall was totally unexpected, nobody even knew that could HAPPEN.

Crowley doesn't think himself worthy of Aziraphale (he's UNFORGIVABLE!), and Aziraphale doesn't think he's enough to make Crowley TRULY unashamedly happy and carefree.

And they're BOTH immensely WRONG ofc, we can all see it. They're each other's WORLD.

But they just assume stuff and never ASK, never TALK (bc well, it was literally dangerous before, I get it, their communication issues don't come from nowhere). That's why they have different perspectives on how to fix their situation in the end.

And btw I have to add we can't ignore Crowley was opening himself more too, always taking off his glasses when he was at the Bookshop for example. Ironically he was just a bit slower than Aziraphale for once. All that ofc until those last 15min, when they both change back to their old behaviours (makes me want to bang my forehead onto a wall).

I do believe they'd get there if the Metatron hadn't intervened (interesting that he chose this *exact* moment), especially after that little push from Maggie and Nina (for Crowley) and ofc brielzebub (for Aziraphale) that was gonna make them BOTH confess their feelings.

Anyway, bottom line, fuck the Metatron.

This is also a thread on Twitter :D